Kissing Jessica Stein (2001) Movie Script

[ Man ] For the sin
we have committed by gluttony.
[ Al I ] And for the si n we have
committed by succumbing to despair.
For the sin we have committed
by stubbornness.
And for the sin
we have committed...
by rashlyjudging others.
[Rabbi Continues ]
[ Whispering ] Sweetheart,
do you see that guy in the corner...
with the dark hair
and the blueyarmulke?.
That's Ben Feldman, M&A,J.P. Morgan.
- [ Loudly ] He has no chin!
- Mother, be quiet.
- Shh!
- He recentlyseparated frrom his wifre.
- Some shikseh from I daho.
- She could do better. She could!
- You could do better.
- Mother.
Mother, would you stop
feeding her perfectionism?.
You did the same thing with Larry.
- I didn't like him either.
- What's not to like?.
The man was a prince.
- I didn't care for him.
- What doyou mean?
- He wasn't the one, okay?.
- Oy, the one.
- He had no sex appeal.
Mother, sha!
He's right over there.
[Rabbi Continues ]
Marriage is
the hardest thing we do.
She is 28 years old. She hasn't
dated in a year. I'm afraid...
- she'll be alone forever--
- Mom, would you shut up?. I'm atoning!
# Gray clouds
are gonna clear up #
# Put on a happyfrace #
# Brush offthe clouds
and cheer up #
# Put on a happy frace #
# Take offthe gloomy mask
ofrtragedy #
# It's notyour style #
# You look so good
thatyou'll be glad#
# You decided to smile #
# Pick out a pleasant outlook #
# Stick out that noble chin #
# Wipe offthat
frull-ofr-doubt look #
# Slap on a happy grin #
# And spread sunshine #
# All over the place #
#Just put on a happy frace #
# Spread sunshine #
# All over the place #
#Just put on a happy frace #
# Gray clouds
are gonna clear up #
# With sunshine
all over the place #
# Ifryou'll put on #
# A happy frace #
# Gray clouds
are gonna clear up #
# With sunshine
all over the place #
# Ifryou'll put on #
# A happy frace ##
[ Telephone Ringing ]
Peter, I ' m tel I i ng you,
trust me on this one.
- I t means "speechless, without words."
- I think "unimpressed."
- No, "speechless, perplexed."
- Are you sure on this?.
- I'm sure. Everybody gets this wrong.
- I'm almost positive here.
- Howard, define "nonplussed."
- "Speechless, perplexed."
Oh, thankyou, Howard.
- Oh, and Howard,
that cellist with the thing?.
- Two umlauts. Both "U"s.
Right, right, right.
Oh, my God! Hi!
- Hi. Thankyou.
- Congratulations.
-Okay, you're glowing. Areyou thrilled?.
-Let's see.
I can't drink, smoke
or eat sushi for nine months.
- Honestly, I'm panicked.
- Oh, my God.
Did you guys celebrate last night?.
- It's so exciting.
- Yeah. Oh, God. Matthew's so excited.
- Meyers, I gotta talk toyou.
- Hey, Stein.
Chuck, did you get my E-mail?.
- Yeah. Uh, "deep-seeded." Who knew?.
- Right.
It has nothing to do with seeds.
Refrers to how deeplysomething is set.
- Sorry about that,Josh.
- Oh, shit!
- No problem. Don't worry about it.
- What is this?
- What didyou do to this?
- What is what?.
This profile. You gutted it.
You totally gutted it.
It was sappy and long-winded.
You practicallywent down on the guy.
Went down on the guy?.
Okay, you know what, Meyers?.
This is one ofthe great
directors of our time.
I think he merits
a little praise in the lead.
- It's an article, Stein,
not a puff piece.
- It's a tribute.
- This is an artist. We can't
afford an adjective for him?.
- [Telephone Ringing]
Not one?. I think it was a really
good piece. It was well written,
- it was clear, it had heart--
- Stein?.
- Stein?. Your phone is ringing.
- Yeah?. What?.
[Ringing Continues ]
Your phone is ringing.
[ Groans ]
-Jessica Stein.
- [ Man ] Hey,Jessie!
Oh! Hey, Danny.
I'm sorry.
- I got some news.
- Areyou okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I just--
You can't tell
Mom and Dad yet, okay?.
- Oh. Yeah, okay. Uh-huh.
- Areyou sitting down?.
I proposed to Rach!
I'm getting married!
[Jessica's Voice ]
"It is not inertia alone...
"that is responsible fror human
relationships repeating themselves...
"frrom case to case,
"indescribably monotonous
and unrenewed.
"It is shyness befrore any sort ofrnew,
unfroreseeable experience...
"with which one does not think
oneselfrable to cope.
"But only someone
who is ready fror everything,
"who excludes nothing,
"not even
the most unenigmatical,
will live the relation
to another as something alive. "
[Jessica ]
God, this is great. This is great.
I am so glad that
you asked me to do this.
I mean, it was so bold ofyou
to come up to me at the gym.
I mean, I thought
I'd finally give it a shot.
Sometimes, you-you seem
so focused on yourworkout,
- I wasn't sure ifyou'd talk to me.
- Oh, no.
That's just the whole gestalt
ofthe gym thing.
I mean, it's so
narcissistic and shallow.
I thinkwe all tryto maintain
a certain anonymitywhilewe're there.
No, I have to disagree
with you there.
I really love working out.
I mean, granted, it is
a little narcissistic, as you say,
but I reallyget a high,
you know,
from all those "endorphmins"
pumping and all.
So, um,
you're a writer.
That's, uh--
That's amazing.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hey! Hey!
- I'm sorry I'm so late.
- No, you're right on time.
- What?. I'm-I'm an hour late.
- No, no.
You are right on time.
Hey, "tarbender'
the lady'll have a, uh--
Uh, I will have a frozen strawberry
margarita with salt, please.
Well, I see great minds
think alike.
Uh, we split the salad. But I think,
as I recall, you ate a little bit more,
including more ofrthe arugula, which
is one ofrthe more expensive greens.
I didn't have any of the goat cheese.
I'm allergic.
No dessert.
Easy enough.
That leaves your portion at $42.73,
and mine at $1 8.1 4.
Beautiful. Perfect.
You have exact change?.
It's so funny,Jessica.
But I go out with a lot of girls.
A lot.
And Ijust-- I don't know.
Ijust freelso--
so comfortable with you,
so at home, so free to be myself.
Normally, I'm a pretty
"self-defecating" guy.
Let me tellyou something.
You're "phat. "
I'd love to see you twirl
in that dress.
- With a P-H.
- Twirl.
Oh, okay.
[ Mumbling ]
- As it were, per se.
- I like the wayyour hair...
- Uh--
-... goes around your head like that.
- You know what I mean?.
- You know?. You know?.
- Whoops! I spilled some.
- What's not to get?.
I thinkwe're connecting,
and I'd like to representyou...
as your accountant
and your boyfriend,
that's at all possible.
Okay, the New Yorker loves us.
The reviewer is creaming in her pants.
- So exhale, please. Okay?.
- Okay.
His back has been like
solid concrete all night.
Your boyfriend has on
his serial killer face again.
He's scaring
some ofrthe guests.
He's been
a little needy lately.
I'll talk to him.
Oh, hon.
You are late.
I'm sorry. My cab driverwas Ukrainian,
and my Slav is only so-so.
[Woman ]
Soyou wanna do something later?
- I'm gonna be at the library later...
- Oh, yeah?.
- in the 1 6th century archive, nude,
- Mm-hmm.
with a bookmark dangling
precariously off of my dick.
So I'll be waiting foryou.
Oh. Should I bring
unbelievable body...
andaphoto I.D..
anda library card.
- Pickup.
- Oh, yeah. It's right this way, please.
# You're so readynow#
# The frruit is ripe
fror takin'##
## [ Continues ]
Oh, where have you been?.
I've been waiting foryou all day.
They got me mad busy today.
- Martin, where's Helen?.
- Delivery.
[ Moans ]
Wait. I'm still working.
[Man OverSpeaker]
Sorry, sweetie. Line one.
Jesus Christ.
Okay. Got it.
[ Moans ]
Helen Cooper.
Why are you always doing these things
to destroy this relationship?.
We're not in a relationship.
We're in a situation.
- You have to stop right now.
- Yes, and I'm sureyourwife
feels the same way.
Listen, I gotta baby-sit
this show.
What areyou doing later?.
How's 1 1 :00 foryou?.
- How's right now foryou?.
- [ Moans ]
Thanks very much.
[Woman ]
How does this art makeyou freel?
Does it turn you on?.
Does it make you hot?.
D.oes it scareyou?
D.oes it minimizeyou as a man?
- You're really gonna do this?.
- I've decided.
You've decided, orwas it that article
in New York Magazine last month?.
- I've decided.
- Mm-hmm.
I just think it's time,
you know?.
- It's the one thing
I haven't experienced.
- Ofrcourse it's time, sweetie.
You go on with your frisky self,
and don't let Mr. Fuddy-Duddy
piss on your parade.
- Thankyou.
- Mar?.
- Mm-hmm?.
- What is the problem?.
She is trying new things.
Sure. Today,
sexual preference.
- Tomorrow, Henna tattoos.
- Okay.
So, let's see.
OscarWilde is too flip.
Emily Dickinson is too trite.
It has to be just so.
Maybe George Eliot.
- Why do I have to have a quote again?.
- Well, let's see.
If it's brainy enough, it'll weed out
the real unwashed masses.
Andifrit's well chosen,
you come across as someone...
who understands the plight
ofyour prospective partner--
the plight of humanity.
And by couching that understanding
in the words ofra great writer,
you appear sophisticated,
but earnest.
- Grounded, but hopeful.
- Oh, my God!
Sweetie, you're gonna have more pussy
than you know what to do with.
- Here, take a look.
- Rilke?.
Rilke's very profound.
So the first thing you wanna do is say,
"For friendship or more."
Wait. Why?.
Because then you have access to
all the bi-curious straight girls.
Straight girls?
But Bas--
Trust me.
Virgin flesh?. Mangia.
Bring that.
Let's go.
"Professional E-E, U-W-S,
V-G-L, N-S, D-W-M,
seeking same."
- What could that mean?.
- I'm not reallyversed
in single scene acronyms, so--
- Oh. Listen to this one.
This guy used a quote.
- That is so cheesy.
"It is not inertia alone
that is responsible...
"for human relationships
repeating themselves.
It is shyness before--"
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
- This one stinks.
- Actually, I think it's Freud.
Rilke. Uh,
one ofthose, I think.
Oh. Sorry. Guess I should read on.
"But only someone--"
Does he, um,
describe himself?.
Esoteric quote man?.
Let's see.
Oh. That's
women seeking women.
You know what, guys?.
Um, I really have a lot ofwork to do.
- Would you mind terribly--
- No. No, no, no.
Thanks. Sorry.
- Jess? Charles can make it
tonight after all.
- Yeah.
- So you're gonna get to meet him.
- Oh, good.
That would be great.
- Hey,Joan, is it okay
if I bring a date tonight?.
- Oh.
- Sure. The more, the merrier.
- Great. I'll seeyou tonight.
You invited Josh?.
[Telephone Ringing]
[Telephone Ringing]
[Helen Over Machine ]
Hey, it's Hel. Leave it at the beep.
[ Woman, Husky Voice ] Hi. My name's
Nan, and I'm calling aboutyour ad.
I'm looking fror someone
with a big heart, an open mind,
and an adventurous spirit.
Also, in the long term, I'm looking
fror someone to mother a child with me.
- Wouldyou be into that?
- [ D.oorbell Rings ]
- Be quiet. You get it.
- Come on. I t'l I be adorable.
I t's not adorable. You are totally
loving this, aren't you?.
Please. I'm 1 60 pounds
and I wake up vomiting.
I have to live
through someone.
- Go. He's looking.
- This is embarrassing.
- Okay. Be quiet.
- He's staring. It's gonna be weird.
- Hi. I'm Charles.
- Hi.
-Jessica. [ Chuckles ]
- [Telephone Ringing]
Hey, it's Hel.
Leave it at the beep.
[ Woman ]
Hi, Helen. I'm calling aboutyour ad.
I would really like to meetyou
as soon as possible,
becauseyou sound
really special.
And to tell you the truth,
I'm hangin' on by a thread here,
and I couldreallyuse
someone special.
So, um,
just call me, okay?
# Sky's blue #
# You know what I'm freeling
You know #
# The verysweet sound
ofryour laughter ##
## [ Continues ]
[Jessica ] Oh, my God. Whatever.
I'm so happy...
to be eati ng a meal with i ntel I igent
people-- you have no idea.
That's us?.
I know, right?. So thankyou all
for not being freaks or morons...
or using words incorrectly.
Bless you all.
Tell me about it.
Most people I meet at the salon...
are totally "malcompetent."
So, Charles,
what aboutyou?
Have you had a horrible time
out there too?.
- Oh, uh, I don't know. I do okay.
- Yeah?.
Actually, I just met
somebody pretty special.
Um, her name's Michelle.
And it's early, but--
- I don't know. It freels right.
- Charles.
I thought you were single.
Didn't you tell me that, honey?.
[Sighs ]
Uh, I thought so.
[ Charles ] I'm sorry.
Is this supposed to be a setup?
[Jessica ]
No, no. No way. Not a setup.
J ust-J ust a friendly dinner.
- Absolutely. J ust a group of friends.
- [Joan ] Yes.
Matthew and I just like
to have our friends know each other.
Well,you know,Jessica,
don't worry about it. I mean, it's--
We've all been through it.
It's just a jungle out there.
[Josh ]
Yeah, especially fror Stein. I mean,
she always has trouble meeting people
who are good enough for her.
Yeah. God, I wish
I hadyour luck,Josh.
I see you have no trouble
meeting people ofyour caliber.
You know, Stein, why don't you
cut yourself a break?.
It's obviously not the time
to be meeting someone anyway.
- Really?. What?. Not the season?.
- No.
It's just because you're
clearly not open to it.
Excuse me?. I'm sorry.
How would you know?.
Well, I do have
a little history to draw from.
But even ifl didn't,
you've known Charles here...
for about an hour,
and in that time...
you've insulted and dismissed
a panoply of men...
based on factors as reductive
as a linguistic misstep,
a different view from yours
on going Dutch, a kind reaction
toyour legendary lateness,
and a genuine interest
in yoga.
You know, I think
it was Anais Nin who said,
"We don't see things
as they are.
We see things
as we are."
[ Chuckles ]
Generally, I'm not much ofa Nin fan,
but I do feel that bit
sums you up to a "T",Stein.
So I don't think the problem's
with these poor men--
these freaks and morons,
as you put it.
I think the problem
is with you.
- Hi. I was just looking foryou.
- Hi.
- Helen. Hi.
- Right. Hi.
- Good to meet you.
- I'm sorry I'm so late.
- I'm always late.
- Don't worry about it. Come sit.
I hopeyou didn't
wait long.
No. Well, I was just starting
to get worried...
- that maybeyou weren't
gonna show at all.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Um-- [ Exhales ]
Helen, right?.
Um, you know, gosh. I should've
said this on the phone...
and I didn't, and...
I'm sorrythat I didn't,
you should really know that...
this isn't me.
- It isn't?.
- Not at all.
I'm sorry.
[ Groans ]
- Shit!
- Which part ofrit isn'tyou?
Oh. Uh, all of it.
So why did you--
Um, yeah, you know what?.
The truth is,
I've ben trying to be a little less
me lately, and that's why this.
But, really,
I'm still me, see?.
I see.
Well, look.
We don't have to do a whole big--
We could just get a drink.
- Yeah, I don't think so. Taxi!
- Oh, come on.
You don't wanna go
to your dinner so frazzled.
My-- Oh, my dinner.
Right. Right.
Yeah, I think a little red wine
would really help to,you know--
Look, um,
you seem really nice.
I just--
I-I made a mistake.
I-I have to go.
Oh, my--
- Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
- Oh! Oh.
- Oh, God. I-I-- You know what?.
- Don't be silly.
- I, uh--
- Let me help you.
I missed myyoga class this morning,
and I'm not my usual centered self.
D.oyou do--
D.oyou doyoga regularly?
- Is that something--
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Every day, actually.
I find it keeps me
really strong and energized...
and, uh,
usually graceful.
I've heard that.
- Haveyou never tried it?.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I don't think I could sit still
and breathe for long.
-I'd panic.
-So what doyou like to do for exercise?.
Oh, um,
I like basic exercise.
I like to run orwalk.
Just keep moving, you know?.
I feel like as long
as I'm moving, I'm safe.
- What doyou do when you're sleeping?.
- I'm a terrible insomniac.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Since when?.
Um, I don't know.
Well, listen, ifyou ever
changeyour mind and wanna try a class,
- I'd be happy to--
- Yeah, I don't think so.
Oh, well,
don't decide right now.
Just let it marinate
for a while.
Um-- Okay.
I, uh, I will
let it "marinate."
I am never gonna
get a cab.
Maybe just one drink.
I have, like, 20 minutes.
Well, wait, wait. This Larry,
that must've been pretty serious, huh,
- ifhe proposed?.
- Oh, no, no. I mean-- No, it was.
- It was.
- Well, what happened?.
It wasn't right.
He-He just wasn't funny,
you know?.
- Oh, bummer.
- I think that's been my big thing.
Not smart or not funny,
or not smart and not funny.
but funny in
a totally unappealing way.
You know?. Just like funny/stupid,
or funny/dopey,
but not funny/witty or funny/ironic
or funny/goofy, you know?.
Or-Or they seem smart, and then
you realize that they aren't at all.
And that's funny,
but funny/tragic.
So anyway,
ifyou're then lucky enough...
to find someone who's the good kind
of smart and the good kind offunny,
then generally
they're just kind of--
- Ugly.
- Ugly.
Ugly. I'm sorry.
- Yes, a little. Is that--
That's awful, right?.
- No.
Ugly doesn't do it froryou.
That's okay.
- Me, I'm kind of into ugly.
- What?
As long as it's
Sexy-ugly?. I--
Well, you can't. It just is,
you know?. Sexy-ugly.
Okay, well, um,
could you, um--
could you give me a celebrity...
- who would fall into the category?.
- Um,yeah.
Hold on a second.
I'll get you one. Um--
Angelica Huston?.
- Is that kind ofthe right idea?.
- Yeah, I guess.
- I was gonna say MickJagger.
He's the big one.
- Oh.
Oh, Lyle Lovett, um,James Woods,
Harvey Keitel.
Very sexy-ugly.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
So, uh--
So you're not--
I mean,
you've-you've tried--
Um, you've dated men.
- Of course.
- Oh, good!
- What?.
- Good. I'm-- No, I'm relieved.
I-I-I just--
I assumed that you had--
Oh, I have... also.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I, um--
I just find a lot
of different things sexy.
Oh. I don't.
So, should we settle
the tab?.
- What?
- Yeah, it's, um, 8:1 0.
Don'tyou have a--
- Oh, uh, no.
- You don't?
- No. I lied.
- But I thought--
I know a great Indian place.
- Helen? Can I askyou a question?
- Yeah?
- Sure.
- What color lipstick areyou wearing?
Well, it's three different kinds.
I blend.
- Really?.
- Yeah.
- Real ly?. Wow.
- Would you like to know the--
- Would you feel comfortable?.
Is that something--
- No, of course.
I'd love to share.
I start with Mac Viva Glam III,
- Uh-huh. Right.
- which is a great base,
- and then I add
Prescriptive's Poodle on top.
- I love Prescriptive's.
- Isn't it the best?.
The moisture and the spray.
- It has the best texture.
And then I finish with Philosophy
Supernatural Nude, which is more ofa--
- Ofa glossy kind ofthing?.
- Exactly. For the shine.
Right. Right.
- That's it.
- Wow.
Well, it looks, um,
just beautiful on you.
Oh, thankyou.
Hey, you should try ityourself.
It would look gorgeous
on your complexion.
Oh, thankyou.
But, um--
Yeah, the blending thing is a little
labor-intensive for me, you know?.
I'm kind oflooking
for that one.
Well,you'll neverfindit.
I'm tellingyou-- blend.
-All right, so tell me again.
- Okay.
- Roland, Steven and Craig--
- Greg.
Greg. Right, okay.
And, um-- D.o you have a fravorite?
U m, no, not particularly.
Wel l, does one of them
get more time than everyone else?.
- Or, you know, a favorite one?.
- No.
I mean, basically,
I call Roland when I'm hungry,
Steven when I'm bored,
and Greg when I'm horny.
- Who doyou call when you're sick?.
- I don't get sick.
Good system.
That's crazy!
Who doesn't do E-mail?.
I hate computers.
I object to them.
- Butyou must use them at the office.
- Yes.
At work I'm forced to,
but never at home.
I mean, even at the office I don't
send E-mails. I just receive them.
- What?.
- Have you discussed this
with your therapist?.
Oh, no.
-There's too much on the agenda already.
-Like what?.
- Um,just the usual.
- ## [Tambourines ]
Older, nothing to show for it, no kids
or anything, why am I on the planet?.
Like that.
God, they're so crazy.
- Um, no more so than anyone else.
- What?
A little more so,
I'd say.
- I don't think so.
- But theyare, objectively.
I think they're, you know,
just doing their thing.
They don't do anything.
They play the tambourine all day
and ask people for money.
- They have no goals.
- I think theyhave a prettyloftygoal.
Oh, really?. What?.
New robes?.
- Spiritual enlightenment, happiness.
- Come on.
- They're weird. Look at them.
- They're happy.
- They're happy.
- What?.
Some people smoke pot. Some people
bungee jump. Some people chant.
- What doyou do to be happy?
- Nothing. I'm not. Wait, wait, wait.
I have a job. I mean, I'm accomplishing
something in the world.
Oh, really?.
What areyou accomplishing?.
I'm-I'm bringing
the news to people.
You know, information?.
I'm being a grown-up.
I'm notjust out frorme andmy
enlightenment. What they do is selfish.
Selfish?. They are dealing
with their stuff and the energy
they put out to the universe.
That's a lot more valuable
than being miserable all the time.
Wait a second.
I'm sorry.
Areyou saying that
my life has no value?.
No! I am saying that maybe
underneath all the neurosis,
you have a profound capacity
for happiness thatyou're
not allowing to exist.
- How doyou know?. You just met me.
- You can't possibly know...
whoyou are or howyou'll respond
to something until you try it.
I happen to disagree. I happen
to think ifyou knowyourselfwell,
you can gauge how
you're gonna react to something.
And I can pretty much assureyou
that I will never be made happy...
by chanting for
spiritual enlightenment.
- Or maybeyou would. You can't know.
- Trust me. I know.
- You know?.
- Yeah, I know.
- You know how
you'll react to everything?.
- Pretty much, yes.
I guess you're right.
You seem to know yourself
Come on. Since when
does she care about what I think?.
Josh, she left before dessert.
I think she was a little upset.
- Well, did you talk to her
over the weekend?.
- I left her three messages.
She didn't return any of my calls.
I think she's devastated.
Hey,you guys!
I brought doughnuts.
-## [Humming]
-[Keyboard Clacking]
## [ Humming ]
Look,Stein, you know,
I just wanna apologize
forwhat I said on Friday night.
Oh, hey, no problem.
You had an opinion and you expressed it.
- Maybeyou were right.
- No, I mean, really.
I mean, who am I to--
What did you say?.
I said,
maybe you were right.
Right. Glad there are
no hard feelings.
- Yeah. Oh, hey,Josh?.
- Yeah.
Do you ever use "marinate"
as a verb?.
I mean, no, not as a verb. As a verb
in other arenas than froodpreparation?
- What do you mean?. Like, "to sit with"?.
- Right, right, right.
To sit with something.
To let something marinate.
- No.
- Oh. I love it.
## [Humming]
You know what?.
Don't worry about it.
[ Intercom Buzzing ]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi. Come in, please.
- Hi.
- Oh, thankyou.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Wow.
- You look great.
- Oh, no, thankyou.
No. You-You do.
I-- I'm a mess, actually.
- Those shoes are gorgeous.
- Oh, thanks for noticing.
- Are they Nine West?.
- No, Kenneth Cole.
- Oh, you're kidding! Oh.
- No.
Well, they're very sexy.
They suityou.
Uh, can we cut to the chase
for a sec?.
Just get the hard topics
out ofthe way.
Um, sure.
What's on your mind?.
Um, well,
it's just that-that...
whenever I've thought
about lesbianism in the past,
I've always said, "Ew,"
you know?.
Just, "Ew. Can't go there.
Can't get excited."
- I mean, what would we do?. You know?.
- Right, right.
- I mean, this is your big issue.
- Right, right.
But I-I had such a wonderful time
with you the other night.
- Oh, me too.
- I really did.
And I've been marinating
on things.
And, um--
I have taken the liberty of getting some
informational materials on the topic,
- and I wondered ifl might--
- Oh, of course.
Okay, okay.
Well, uh--
This one leaflet was
particularly intriguing to me--
Lesbian Sex:
Hot, Safre andSane.
- Do you know it?.
- Uh, no. But please, share.
- I'd love to see it.
- Okay.
Well, um, I was surprised to learn
that lesbians accessorize.
I didn't know that.
So, for example,
on page 1 1 --
I dogeared it--
they show some ofthe higher-tech
lesbian accoutrement.
- Wow.
- [ Exhales ]
- Wow.
- Yeah.
So, gosh, um,
how would this work?.
Well, I think I would just
strap that on and--
Oh, no, no, no.
That's not fair.
We should certainly trade off
and share the load...
in terms of
giving and receiving.
But that doesn't address the actual
gross-out factor, ifyou will.
- Oh, no offense. No offense.
- Oh.
- No, none taken.
- Okay, 'cause, I mean, look at you.
Who wouldn't wanna
have sex with you, right?.
I mean, do you.
But, um--
Look,Jess, let's not put the cart
before the horse here...
with all the high-tech stuff, you know,
'cause we don't need any ofthat.
We don't?.
I myselfr
have always prefrerred...
the standard, organic,
old-fashioned way.
You're right.
So that'd be just--
- Well, it's basically the same
as with a man,
- Thankyou.
except minus one thing,
you know?.
Right, right.
Yes, well, right.
And let's face it, it's the other stuff
that works forwomen anyway, right?.
Yes, well, that is, um--
that is true.
- ## [Soul]
- Nice place.
- Thanks.
- [Man Singing]# It freels so good#
- Is that BarryWhite?.
- Uh, no.
# Oh, what a groove#
- I'm gonna have to go slow, okay?.
- Oh, okay.
- Whateveryou need.
- Okay, great.
- Okay. It's okay.
- Sorry.
# Myhandsjust won't
keep still#
# I loveyou, baby ##
- Is this with tongue?.
- Uh--
I think we should just
play it by ear.
-Just see how it goes.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, great.
[ Clears Throat ]
[Woman ]
# You got a blue eye#
# It's deeper than anyblue #
# As fror the green one #
- [ Gasps ] Sorry.
- Is that too much?.
-J ust a bit. Sorry.
- Okay, sorry.
- But it was good up until then, right?.
- Yeah.
## [ Continues ]
- Oh, my God! Please don't do that.
- That was just your stomach.
I know. I can't
do that ever, really.
- Even with a man.
- Oh.
Okay. Okay.
- Maybe let's just--
- Okay.
## [ Continues ]
That was really good!
- I thought that was,
you know, the best one ever.
- Me too. Definitely.
# Oh, those crazy eyes ##
## [Ends ]
So, I figure if
we keep going like this,
we'll get there in, like,
two weeks or so.
Yeah, sure.
- There's no real rush.
- Are you sure?.
- Yeah, sure. Not at all.
- But you'd really--
- How about ten days?.
- Ten days is better.
Okay, good.
What does your therapist
say about all this?.
- I could never tell my therapist.
- Why not?.
Because it's private.
[Helen ]
It's not working out.
- I thought you said
you really liked her.
- I did.
- I do. It's just not working out.
- Why not?.
- Because she's a cock tease!
- Oh, my.
I mean, a tease.
- A poon tease.
- Right. Right.
And she's nervous
and neurotic and straight...
and not that into it,
and I don't have time.
I took out an ad, for Christ's sake,
and I end up with theJewish Sandra Dee.
What are the odds?. Who doyou have
to blow to get some pussy around here?.
- You know, enough is enough.
- On to the next.
- Onwards and upwards.
- Right, right.
- [ Cell Phone Ringing ]
- Plus, she doesn't even get it.
She thinks it's going great.
Schuller Gallery.
Hi. How areyou?.
No, that's fine.
Whywould I mind?.
No, 8:00 is perfect.
Okay, I'll seeyou there.
Is she 1 2?.
- [ Gasps ]
- You a littlejumpytoday,Stein?.
- No.
- You got a hot date.
- No.
- Yeah. Who's the guy?.
- There is no guy.
- Oh, come on. You're
a terrible, terrible liar.
Trust me.
There is no guy.
# When the special girlfrriend#
# Meets a special girlfrriend#
# For a little shopping
Shop-to-shop they're hopping
Shopping without stopping #
# There 's no greater pleasure #
# Than to shop together #
# And the special girlfrriend
tells the special girlfrriend#
# You're my special girlfrriend#
# Oh, you're my fravorite
# My sweet and pretty
# I trust you, my girlfrriend#
# To keep our secrets
- [ Argui ng, I ndisti nct ]
- # When the special girlfrriend#
# Meets a special girlfrriend#
# With great tenderness she'll
tell her frriend she's special #
# Oh, my special
Oh, my special girlfrriend#
[ Woman ] So, what does my special
girlfrriend say about that?
[ Woman #2 ]
Well, I can only tell you one thing.
Ifr I didn 't have you,
we 'd get on so well.
- [ Woman # 1 ]
We 'd get on so awfrully well.
- How well we 'd get on together.
- ## [ Fades ]
- Sorry.
[ Woman On Film ]
Please take me with you.
I ' m strong.
I can stand anythi ng you can.
I t's too m uch for a woman.
T oo much for a woman?.
Put your arms
around me, Tom.
We should've seen
Gimmie Shelter.
I know, I know.
What were we thinking?.
Look, are you sure you don't mind?.
My office is really close.
It'll only take a second.
Guy on stoop.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Wow. I get it.
- Sexy-ugly.
- I still could never.
[Jessica ]
It's part ofrmyreading series.
[ Chattering, I ndistinct ]
- Shit. Shit. What is he doing here?.
- Who?.
Nobody. My boss.
Come on. Shh.
Right over here.
Hey, Stein. Ijust can't
keepyou out ofrhere, can I?
- [ Nervous Chuckle ]
- Hi.
- I'm Josh Meyers.
- Helen Cooper. We're just--
- Friends from the gym.
- [Josh ] Oh.
- Stein has the pleasure
ofworking for me.
- Oh.
So you must be that "complete asshole"
she's always talking about?.
[ Chuckling ]
Don't mind her.
She's just working out
some residual anger from college.
- You guys went to college together?.
- No.
He went with my brother.
I was a freshman when theywere seniors.
- We dated for a year.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- So, what happened?.
Well, she didn't think
I was living up to my potential.
- Which was what?.
- She thought I was gonna be
the next Hemingway.
Whatever. He was
an extremely talented writer.
Now he's a professional
"I" dotter and "T" crosser.
- Let's just get--
- We thought Stein was gonna be
the next Georgia O'Keefe,
but she's actually turned out to be
a pretty good "T" crosser herself.
- Okay, a pleasure as always,Josh.
- You paint?. I had no idea.
I'm really a hack. I don't at all. We
can go. I just gotta get this one thing.
Listen, can I just
use the bathroom?.
Oh,yeah. I'm sorry.
It's, um,
through that door, and it's right at the
elevator, left at the water fountain.
It's, uh, left
at the water fountain.
[Jessica ] But it's not-- There's
no-- It's not, "You will be wise.
You will gain great wisdom
through some lifre-altering event. "
I t's si m ply, "You are--"
What does yours say?.
- " Home is where the heart lies."
- Okay, you got an adage.
- Well, so what?. I like adages.
- You got an adage.
The whole notion
ofthe fortune cookie is a sham.
I mean, when does anyone--
Excuse me?.
- When does anyone get a frortune?
I'd like to know.
- It's all right.
I'm sorry. There are no frortunes
being dispensed here.
- I mean, it's a misnomer--
- Hey, hey. Sorry to interrupt
this big debate here,
but me and my friends over at the bar
have a little pool going.
Basically, we wanna determine
which one ofyou is more beautiful.
- Oh, right.
- Who won?.
Yousee, that's the thing. We're
sittin'over there scratching our heads,
- 'cause it's close,you know?
- Right.
We thought we'd come over here and
buyyou some drinks, do some research.
- I thi nk we're fi ne, thanks.
- Oh, no, pleasejoin us.
We would love that.
- What?.
- Because we were just trying
to settle an argument too.
- Really? What about?
- Well--
- No, it's kind ofweird.
- Come on. Tell us.
We were just wondering...
whether a woman who's
only been with men...
could ever be sexually
attracted to a woman?.
What doyou think?.
Doyou think she could?.
Well, hey,
I think she could. Definitely.
- Ifshe couldn't, she should.
- God!
- What is that about?.
- What?
What is that male obsession with
lesbian sex about?. I don't get it.
- You know what?.
You don't have to answer that.
- Oh, come on!
- It's just... sexy, right?.
- Yeah.
It's kind ofhard to describe. I mean,
a woman alone is sexy, God bless.
But two women together
is like-- it's like--
- Double sexy.
- Right.
- Double sexy?. Wow.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
That's nicely put.
Yeah, that, um,
really is nicely put.
But tell us exactly,
exactlywhat is it
about two women together...
- that you find so exciting?.
- Yeah.
Oh, come on.
You know, theirwhole--
Theirwhole thing, you know?.
Like, the way they touch.
How do they touch?.
You know, when they-- Well, a woman
is soft, so when they touch each other,
it's, like, they're soft.
Women really know how
to touch.
But what would they do,
I wonder?.
[Man ]
Who cares what they'd do!
Just two women's bodies
together isjust hot!
Their hips, their legs, their belly
buttons. I mean, it's all good.
[Man #2 ] And obviously,
two women together would know how to--
They know how everything
works in there.
- Like how what works?.
- [ Gasps ]
-Jess, what's the matter?.
- Nothing. Uh, nothing.
It's just I have
a slight leg cramp.
Oh. You really should
get that looked at.
- Yeah. Yeah. Thankyou forthe concern.
- No problem.
Um, you knowwhat, guys?. I think
we really, really have to get going.
- Oh, no!
- Can't we getyou a drink or something?.
Uh, no, no. You know what?. I'm
a little worried aboutJessica's leg.
- Yeah.
- And I really think I should
get her into bed.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, it was nice meetingyou.
- Take care.
- Bye.
You see?.
That's the thing about women.
They really know how
to take care of each other.
## [Hip-Hop ]
## [ Woman Rapping,
Indistinct ]
- [D.oorbell Buzzing]
- Oh, come on!
Shit! Oh, my God.
Are you expecting somebody?.
- No!
- Fuck.
[ Muttering, I ndistinct ]
- Aah!
- Greg! Oh, my God. What are you doing?.
- I know you ain't been trying
to avoid me and shit.
- No, no.
Hi. Hi.
I'm Jessica.
I'm-I'm Greg.
How you doin'?. I'm sorry. I didn't--
Oh, no, no. No, no, no.
I was just going.
- No, wait! No, you're not.
- Yes,yes,yes, I was.
We just saw a movie, Greg, and I was
just gonna use Helen's bathroom...
because the line in
the theaterwas so long.
But Ijust did, so I'm good.
Andnow I'm gonna get going,
soyou guys should carry on.
Wait, wait.Jess,you, um, frorgot
thatjuiceryou wanted to borrow.
- So I 'l I just get it for you.
Excuse us.
- What?. No, no, I--
What are you doing?.
We were finally getting somewhere.
I know. I felt it too.
But what if I couldn't get that back?.
- What?.
- Look, maybe we bit off
more than we can chew here.
- No.
- I mean, you have needs. I get it.
He's really hot. I thinkyou should
go for it. I thinkyou should just--
No, no. Stop talking.
Stop talking.
I want him to leave
and I wantyou to stay, okay?.
- So I'm gonna go
get rid ofhim right now.
- No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
Look, what ifhe leaves...
and then I
chicken out again,
and you don't get any and
I'm wracked with guilt?.
Helen, he's a sure thing
and I'm not, okay?.
So just have fun. I adoreyou.
We'll try again tomorrow.
- Really nice to meetyou, Greg. Bye.
- Yeah.
- [ Sneezes ]
- # Love makes me treatyou#
# In the way that I do #
# Andgee, baby
Ain't I good toyou#
# There's nothing in this world
too good fror a girl#
# So good and true #
# Gee, baby
Ain't I good to you #
# Boughtyou
a frur coat fror Christmas #
# A diamond ring #
# A big Cadillac car #
# And everything #
# What makes me treatyou #
# The way that I do ##
How's the patient?.
Oh, this is so
Shh, shh, shh.
It's best not to talk. Don't talk.
You'll talk more
for a change.
Ha, ha, ha.
Very funny.
You're getting funny.
That must mean you're feeling better.
-Jesus. What's all this?.
- Oh, um, options.
I'm a big medicator.
-Oh, my God. That's the best thing ever.
-Jewish penicillin.
- Mmm.
You have to give me
the recipe.
Butyou don't need it.
You don't get sick.
Uh, no.
A queen-size bedis perfrect.
No, nothing else. Oh, wait a second.
There is something else.
I need a lock and a "Do not disturb"
sign. Yeah, that's it.
Stein, can I just, uh,
talk toyou for a second?.
- No, I can't talk toyou. I'm late.
- No, really.
- I gotta go. I gotta go. sorry.
- Oh-Oh, okay.
I just wanted to talk
for a second.
- Have a good weekend, sweetie.
- You too, sweetie.
She is so seeing somebody.
[Telephone Ringing]
-Jessica Stein's desk.
- [ Woman ] Yes, hello.
I'm looking for my daughter.
Excuse me. To whom am I speaking?.
-This is Josh Meyers,Judy. How areyou?.
Joshie! I haven't spoken
toyou in ages.
Yeah, I know.
It's been a long time. How areyou?.
How am I?. I'm fantastic. I'm just,
you know, excited about the wedding.
- The what?.
- The wedding.
Didn'tJessie tell you?.
Uh... no.
No, she didn't.
- Daniel is getting married.
- Oh.
Danny. Uh--
Well, that's wonderful.
Uh, Mazeltov.
Thankyou. I can't believe
thatJessie didn't tellyou.
You're invited, of course.
Not to worry.
That's sweet ofyou,J udy.
You know, um--
How-How is Danny?. I haven't really
talked to him in a while.
Dan is floating on air.
That's how he is.
As a matter offact,
he's gonna be here in a few minutes.
He's flying in for--
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You'll join us forShabbat dinner.
You have plans?.
- Oh, my God. What areyou doing here?.
- Hi. Coming to getyou.
- What?.
- Day ten. I got a hotel.
- Oh, yeah. Um, I-- You know what?.
- [Tires Screeching]
I-I can't. I have a train to catch.
Shabbat dinner in Scarsdale.
- Cancel. Cancel.
- I can't. My brother's in town.
Yes or no, lady?.
I don't got all day.
- I gotta get out ofhere.
- Uh--
Oh. Okay. You know what?.
You know what?.
Let's just-- We'll talk in here.
I can't think.
- But the hotel's right around the--
- We'll figure it out.
I will get my act
sorted out.
What are those pants?.
I'm so borrowing-- Mom?.
Jessie, I just
got offthe phone--
- I can't come. Something's come up.
- What?.
- Um, no, no. My new friend, Helen,
- Don't be silly.
the one I've told you about, she just
got last-minute house seats to Cabaret.
And you know I've been dying to go,
so what I'm thinking is...
- I will come up
first thing in the morning--
- No, no.
You are coming tonight, and I will
getyou tickets for Cabaret next week.
- No, Mom, that's impossible.
The run's sold out.
- What is she saying?.
- Is your friend right there?.
Put her on.
- Yes, she's right--
- No. Mom-- No, no, no.
- What?.
-Just for a minute.
Sweetheart, put her on
just for a minute, okay?.
- She wants to talk toyou.
- Yeah.
- You swear?. You swear?.
- Yes. Give it here.
- Hello?.
- Helen, darling.
- It is so wonderful
to finally talk to you.
- Yes, hello.
I just happen to have a neighbor
who's got a son who was
a swing in the production,
and I know that I can getyou the most
fantastic seats for Cabaret next week,
which would be my pleasure.
Not to mention the fact that the lead,
who is this really big deal,
is out all this week-- Can you
believe that-- because he's got...
these soft nodules
on his vocal chords.
So it would be-- It would be
a damn shame foryou to go tonight.
You know whatyou're gonna do?. You are
gonna join us for Shabbat dinner.
And we can finally meet. So I am setting
a place foryou at this table...
as we speak.
And my husband Sidney is gonna
pickyou up at the train in an hour.
- Okay, darling?.
- Um, okay.
What happened?.
Shabbat dinner
in Scarsdale.
Daniel, darling, you're
in your usual seat.
Sidney,Stanley, ifyou would sit here.
Okay, sweetheart?.
That's right, Helen.
Right there.
Oh, and Jess?. Would you sit here,
please, between Stanley and me?.
Uh, okay, Mom.
Stanley, it's just lovely
to have you here.
- It's lovely to be here. Thankyou.
- The pleasure is ours.
And, of course, Helen. Oh, my God.
Jessie has told us so much aboutyou.
- Oh.
-Andit's wonderfrul
thatyou couldmake it.
It's lovely to be here.
- [D.oorbell Rings ]
- Wait. Who could that be?.
- Why don't you answer it?.
Meyers! What the hell
are you doing here?.
- I was invited to Shabbat dinner.
- Bywhom?.
- ByJudy.
- Wh--
Ah! There he is! There he is!
- How was traffic?. I figured, I figured.
- Oh, it was bad.
- How do you like that?.
- How are you, buddy?.
- Good, man.
- Good to see you.
- Good to seeyou too.
- I thinkyou know everyone
here except Stanley.
- Stanley, this is Josh Meyers.
I didn't get your last name.
- Schoenberg.
- You don't know Helen,Josh.
This is Helen.
Oh, yeah, hi.
We met the other night.
- How are you doing, Helen?.
- Good.
So, Helen wasjust telling us
that this is her first Shabbat.
Oh, it's okay.
We can raise the kids interfaith.
- I'm willing to bend.
- [ Helen Chuckles ]
Well, I did go to
a seder once.
But that's about the extent
of my Jewish education.
Well, we'll do our best
to represent all Jews everywhere.
-Jessie, kiddush.
- Oh, yes. Okay.
- [ Speaking Hebrew ]
- Sing, my love. Sing.
## [ Singing In Hebrew ]
## [ Singing In Hebrew ]
- [ All ] Amen!
- [Judy] GoodShabbat!
- And another one.
- Good Shabbat.
- Good Shabbat.
- Good Shabbat.
- Good Shabbat.
- It does me such good to have
all ofryou at this table,
especially my children--
my beautifrul son,
who's a francy lawyer now,
and then my daughter, who's
the big deal at the New York T ri bune.
- I 'm a copy editor.
- It's a big deal to me.
Is she not gorgeous, Stan?
Look at that punam. Look at that punam.
- She is beautiful.
- Please!
So Helen,Jessica tells us
you own an art gallery?
[ Helen ] Oh,Jessica
leans toward hyperbole.
I 'm the assistant director
at the Schuller Gallery in Chelsea.
- What kind ofwork do you show there?.
- Contemporary abstracts, right?.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I saw Diana Tompkins'
exhibit last month.
And Stanley is the vice president
of new software development...
- fror I.B.M.
- Yeah.
So ifyou need a great deal on a new
P.C.,just let me know. I'm your man.
- [ Together] Jessica hates computers.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no. That's okay.
That's fine.
I just, um--
I just feel like they're numbing
and obscuring our humanity, you know.
Angel, could you help me
in the kitchen, please?.
- Sure, Mom.
- Thanks.
We'll be right back.
- She likes to provoke.
- Oh, no. I understand. I like that.
He's adorable, he is bright,
and what's more,
he is your father's
partner's nephew, soyou be nice.
- I don't wanna-- I don't wanna be nice.
- Shh, shh.
And for the record, all of
your setups have been disastrous.
- Disastrous?. How was I to know
Eric Birnbaum was in rehab?.
- Yes, they have.
God. Wan, pale, track marks?.
I don't know.
- I thought he had diabetes.
-Jesus Christ.
- Can I help with anything?.
- Yes,you can make my daughter
a little less stubborn...
and a lot less picky!
- Oh. Tall order.
- Thanks.
Let me askyou something, Helen.
Isn't Stanley gorgeous?
Oh, yeah.
He's a handsome guy,Jess.
Wouldn't he make a great match?.
He would be a great match, wouldn't he?.
I think it's a very good match.
And you know what?.
I thinkJess really likes him.
Yes, yes, clearly.
I'm smitten.
It's not happening.
It's not happening, Mom.
Breathe,Judy, breathe.
What aboutyou, Helen?
How do you like Josh?.
Oh, um, he's great,
-but my plate's a little full right now.
-I can imagine.
Beautiful girl like you,
you probably have men falling
all overyou left and right.
- I do okay.
- I just wish thatJessie
would meet somebody.
It's been ages since she's met anybody
worthwhile. Is she dating at all?.
I think so.
You know, now and again.
But no onespecial?
You know,
I just don't know.
Keep me posted, will you?.
is so secretive with me.
- Would you do that for me?.
- You know, I'm sure...
ifit's someone really special,
she'll tell you.
[Stanley]Andourplatfrorm is
compatible with the new camera software.
So soon, your local photo shop
will be a thing of the past.
J udy, you hear this?. They're putting
photocopiers in the computers now.
- This technology's unbelievable.
- I know.
- Stanley's a genius.
- Well, I didn't actually
invent the thing, but--
You're a genius.
So, Helen, what groundbreaking
project is on your docket next?
Wel l, actually, I 'm curating a show
this summer for new artists.
New artists?. Well,
Jessie's work should be in that.
- Mom--
- Haveyouseen herstuff?
- I haven't. Isn't that funny?.
- She is marvelous.
That's herpainting over there.
- Mom--
She was the rage at Brown.
-Jess, that's really good.
- Yeah, don't bother. She won't listen.
[ Thunderclap ]
[ Chattering]
All right, it's settled.
No one's leaving. The rain's terrible.
We've got warm beds.
Everyone stays. Genug. Enough said.
I hopeyou girls
don't mindsharing.
No problem.
We'll be okay.
- Right,Jess?.
- Yes. Um, yeah. We'll be fine, Mom.
You sure it's big enough?.
- I thinkwe'll just fit. Good night.
- Good night.
- Stop it!
- You stop.
- Kids. Good night,Stanley.
- Goodnight.
[TV, Indistinct]
Poor Stanley. Didn't know
what he was getting into, huh?.
- Those Stein women are tough to please.
- Yeah.
It'd take a better man
than me, clearly.
Well-- So how's
yourwriting coming?.
Oh, you know.
- What doyou mean?.
- [ Sighs ]
I decided that I didn't really
wanna be a writer anymore.
I'm much happier tearing down
the work of otherwriters...
who are not as talented as I am,
but also not as paralyzed.
Any artistic frustration I have now
I just take out on them.
Damn, man.
You got dark.
[ Sighs ]
I know.
This is so weird.
In a month of such normalcy.
We must be very quiet.
Jesus Christ. I feel like
we're gonna be grounded or something.
- Wait,Jess. What areyou--
-Shh. Stop talking.
It's day ten.
[Kissing Sounds ]
[ Yawns ]
There's nothin' fucking on.
[ TV Shuts Off]
Jesus. I was
supposed to call Rach.
- You okay down here, man?.
- Yeah.
Your mom left sheets.
Okay. All right.
Good night.
Yeah, good night.
- Can I get some fries with that shake?.
[ Chuckling ]
Okay, enough is enough.
You never write. You never call.
Okay, enough is enough.
You never write. You never call.
I don't know you anymore.
Are we breaki ng up or are you
gonna tell me about him?.
- Oh, sweetie, no. I-I--
- Okay, we're breaking up.
No, no, no, no.
No, um, I--
[ Sighs ]
Okay. Yes, I've been seeing someone.
- Duh.
- [ Laughs ]
I just don't wanna jinx it--
Oh, I'm sorry.
- I don't wanna jinx it
by talking about it.
- You know what?. Just jinx it.
Okay,justjinx it.
When dowe get to meet him?.
How about brunch on Sunday
ifmywater doesn't break?.
The thing is, we're kind of
laying low this weekend, he and I.
But, uh--
But maybe next week.
- Not maybe, definitely.
- Okay. Definitely.
- [Knocks ]
- Knock, knock.
- Oh. Hi.
- Hi.
[ Clears Throat ]
Is everything okay?.
Yeah, why?.
You just-- You don't seem
like yourselflately.
Yeah, well, you know.
You don't either.
Oh. Okay.
- Oh, hey.
Did you get the wedding invite?.
- Yeah.
- [ Gasps, Chuckles ]
They're beautiful, right?.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. It's great for Danny.
- Yeah.
- We're excited.
- Well,youshouldbe.
Okay. Well--
- Why can'tyou be happyfror me?
- Because you are an affront
to gay people everywhere,
and I am a gay people.
- Is it so hard
to believe that I like her?.
- Yes.
- Why?.
- Because you like the penis.
Because you have had
more cock than I have,
and I was a big whore
in the '80s.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Come on, come on. This is not
something thatyou canjust
try on andsee ifrit fits.
I can't just put black shoe polish on
my face and join a gospel choir...
because, I don't know,
I don't feel so white no more.
-Oh, come on. That's a terrible analogy.
-Why?. Why is that?.
- Because you're born black.
- Exactly my point.
Okay, so what do you think?.
It's genius, right?.
Who died?.
- Apparently, I'm an affront
to the gay community.
- Not this again, Martin.
- Martin, why do you care who I'm with?.
- Yes. Why doyou care?
- She likes this girl.
- Straight girl.
Straight girl, gay girl. What's
the difference? An orgasm is an orgasm.
I fyou were blindfolded
and I blew you...
and then Helen blew you,
would you even know the difference?.
I don't know. That depends. Does Helen
get tired and stop halfway through?.
Okay, too much information.
That happened once, andyou were
so drunk thatyou could hardly even--
Okay. You know what?.
Look. The point is, this person
Helen's with seems lovely and smart.
And a very talented artist
who's gonna be in our show.
- Have you met her?.
- Well, no.
Why haven't we met her?.
[Baby Crying]
How come you never make noise?.
- What?.
- When we're having sex.
- What?
- Is it not good?
What?. No, it's fine.
It's-- Yeah.
'Cause I can never tell.
You're so quiet.
- And, you know, I make noise,
so you know what's working.
- [ Chuckling, Coughing ]
Whateveryou want me
to do, I'll do.
- So ifsomething's not working--
- You know, it's all fine.
It's all just fine.
Like sometimes when I'm going down
on you, it seems likeyou like it.
- But then sometimes
it seems likeyou're annoyed.
- Look, Helen--
You know what?. It's not really
the right time to talk about things.
But it's never the right time,
especially at the time,
which strikes me as...
- exactly the right time.
- Oh, my God,Jess,
what areyou doing here?.
- Oh, my God,Joan. Hi. Hi. Hi.
- Hi.
- What areyou doing here?.
- Shopping, of course.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Joan, this is Helen,
a friend of mine.
- Hi, nice to meetyou.
- Hi.
This is Joan,
a friend of mine.
What areyou doing below 1 4th street?.
I thoughtyou were laying low.
Yes, I was.
I-- Wewere.
And then, uh,
my friend Helen here...
actually volunteers
fror this homeless thing.
And, uh, she-- I hadpromised
to help her make brownies today.
And so we're getting ingredients
to make the brownies.
You must make
a pretty good brownie.
- Lesbians?.
- Jesus Christ, I couldn't
think ofrone thing to say.
- I couldn't think of anything else.
- I don't believe this.
I know, I know, I know.
It's crazy, right?.
It's like this surreal episode.
Are you horrified? Are you?
D.o you find me disgusting?
No, no, no,
sweetie, no. God.
- Are you sure?.
- Oh, my God. Are you kidding?
- I 'm i m pressed.
- You are?
- I can't even get Matthew
to use the sex toys I buy.
- Oh, my God.
Andyou're so...
- Fuck you, I know. I know.
- [ Laughing ]
- Does anyone else know?.
- No. No! Areyou crazy?
- D.on't tellJosh. No matter
whatyou do, don't ever.
- Yuck, no. No, I won't.
- Okay?. Shit.
- God, this is huge.
It's so...
- radical.
- I know.
God. Tell me everything.
How did you meet this person?.
What-- How did this--
Oh, don't tell me.
- You answered that ad!
I don't believe it!
- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, my God!
- I know, I know.
I'm a liar and a hypocrite.
-Jessica Stein!
- I know, I know. It was a whim.
You know what?. It was just a whim.
It was this wacky, nuttywhim.
I mean, you know
that I'm a Rilke fan.
And I read that ad and
I thought it would be nice to
meet someone,just as a friend.
Oh, my God. It's all wrong.
It's all wrong. It's not me.
I'm a Jew from Scarsdale.
This has got to stop.
I gotta call her on the phone
and I gotta stop it.
We have to pretend that
it never-- any-- nothing.
- Stop. Shh! You're hysterical!
- No, I'm not.
What's she like?.
- She's great.
- Mmm.
She's, uh,
kind and witty and...
andinvolvedandall that crap.
But she's a girl, you know?.
She's-She's thin.
She has thin arms and she's soft
and attentive and it's all wrong.
- How's the sex?.
- It's good.
- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- D.oes she makeyou laugh?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, a lot. We laugh a lot.
- Is she as smart as you?.
- Yeah, definitely.
- She getsyou?
- She does.
She really does.
I mean,
I think the thing is
we just really click.
- You know?.
- Mmm.
Sounds likeyou definitely
need to put a stop to this.
Am I wearing this?.
This is so bad.
For Rachel.
You are wearing this, my love.
- All right. You look beautiful.
- I look beautiful?.
Yeah, you totally
look beautiful.
- I look like a heifer
in her fifth month.
- Oh, God.
- You wanna eat?.
- Yes, I'm starving.
Let's get out ofhere.
Good. I made a reservation just next
door. And I left a message for Helen.
- What?.
- There she is.
- What?.
- I left a message for Helen
in case she wants to join us.
- Hi, dear. How areyou?.
- Hi.
- What's all this?.
- [ Chuckling]
- Veryfrunny.
- No, really, what's going on?.
These are our dresses,
For the wedding.
For Daniel's wedding.
Didn't I tell you?.
My brother's getting married.
- No, you didn't.
- You didn't tell her?
- Oh, no, I did. I was sure that I had.
- When?
- When did I tellyou?
- No, when is he getting married?.
Next weekend.
Didn't you get the invitation?.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, my God.Jessie.
- I'm sorry.
-Jessie, what did I say?. What happened?.
Nothing, nothing at all.
It's, uh--
- Her brother diedat his wedding--
- He died?.
Yeah. I'm off.
I'll explain later, okay?.
Her brother died
at a wedding?.
- Please wait.
- Your brother's getting married
and you didn't tell me?.
I was sure I told you.
I thought I told you.
Stop saying you told me.
You're a terrible liar.
It's one ofyour best qualities.
- All right, please don't do this.
- Look. I am so tired ofthis.
I am so tired ofbeing
left out ofhalf ofyour life.
- We're in a rela--
- Shh.
We're in a relationship
whetheryou like it or-- Wait a minute.
-Why am I whispering?. This is the point.
-Okay, listen.
We have been through this. I have never,
ever considered anything like this.
But here we are. It's happening, and
it's good, and I'm not ashamed ofrit.
And ifyou are,
then we have a problem.
She hates that dress.
Let's not get crazy, you know.
It is good. It's great.
But I-I'm just not ready to
deal with the complexities of--
- God, you can't even say it.
- Saywhat?.
I have never, ever imagined
doing anything like this.
Well, you are doing something like this.
This didn't just happen toyou.
It did. I mean, it feels
like it did, you know?.
- I'm sorry. I can'tjust--
- I can't be with you
and be intimate with you...
and share wonderful
things with you,
and then get shut out of
the most basic things in your life.
What is so terrible
about having privacy in this--
in taking our time
to see ifit makes sense?.
Because when you don't acknowledge
who I am to people that matter toyou,
- it makes me feel like
you're ashamed of me.
- I'm not ashamed ofyou.
- Well, that's how it feels.
- God, what doyou want from me?.
I wantyou to take me
toyour brother's wedding.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
I just... can't.
Fine. I can't either.
[ Ringing ]
[Jessica On Machine ]
Hey, it's Jess. Leave me a message.
[Joan] Okay, we didit.
Hannah Claire Levine.
Eight pounds, six ounces.
I'm sorry we didn't call sooner.
It was 3:00 a.m.
and it went sort ofrfrast, thank God.
Because it's the worst pain
one will ever know. You can't imagine.
I'm in room 325 at Sinai.
- [ Baby Crying ]
- Oh, my God. Can you believe?
Come by soon. Where are you?
[ No Audi ble Dialogue ]
[ Chatteri ng, I ndistinct ]
The only woman that loved me
not just in spite of my faults,
but because of them somehow.
- I love you, Rachel.
- [ All Laughing, Chattering ]
I'm gonna go get some air.
- Helen, hey.
- Oh,Josh. Hi, uh--
- God, you know, I'm flattered,
but it's really not a good time.
- They're forJessica.
Oh, sorry.
Well, I heard the opening was tonight
and wanted to wish herwell. That's all.
That's sweet,
but she's not here.
- You're kidding. Why not?.
- Oh, she's got a lot going on.
- You know, wedding stuff,
rehearsal dinner.
- Oh.
I am so stupid.
Well, will I seeyou there tomorrow?
Uh, no,you won't.
[ Sighs ]
Is that hers?.
Oh, yeah.
That's a pretty powerful piece.
Yeah. It's amazing that
someone like Jessica takes
such risks in herwork, huh?.
[ Chuckles ]
She certainly doesn't anywhere else.
Beautiful toast.
Yeah, it was.
You okay?.
Uh, I don't know. No.
What is it,Jess?.
It's just sometimes I think
I'm gonna be alone forever.
You can jump in any time.
You're my love, you know that?.
My beloved.
But sometimes I worry foryou.
I worry for me too.
I will never forget...
when you were
in the fifth grade...
and you were so excited when
you got the lead in the play.
Do you remember that?.
- Really Rosie.
- Really Rosie, yeah. I remember.
And you came home after
the first day of rehearsal...
and you turned to me
and you said, "Mommy,
I'm not gonna do it.
I quit."
Just like that.
I turned toyou and I said,
"Jessie.Jessie, my love, why??"
And you said,
"Because my costar isn't good enough."
"And if my costar
isn't good enough,
"then the play
won't be good enough.
And I don't wanna be part of any play
that isn't good enough."
And I thought to myself...
"This child will suffer.
How this child will suffer."'
And then they gave it to
the mieskeit with the glasses.
- Tess Greenblatt.
- Right.
- God, she was terrible.
- Right. And you would have been great.
And you didn't get to do it.
You had to sit there and
watch terrible Tess do it...
with that guyyou thought
wasn't good enough,
- who was actually
quite excellent, wasn't he?.
- He was. He was very good.
And you know?.
I always think thatyou would have been
so much happier doing that play,
even ifit was just okay.
Even ifit was great,
just not the best ever.
And maybe,
just maybe,
it would have been
the best ever.
You never know.
I think--
I think she's a very nice girl.
[ Line Ringing ]
Hey, it's Jess. Leave me a message.
[ Machine Beeps ]
Hi, it's Josh... Meyers.
And, uh, I just wanted to--
God, I wish you were home.
[ Doorbell Buzzes ]
I'm wearing this.
Doyou have any interest in this one?.
- [Glass Breaks ]
- [ Guests ] Mazeltov.
[ Chattering ]
Aren't they great?.
Aren't they gorgeous?. Hello, darling.
Hey, how's it going?.
- Uh--
- Are you the lesbian?.
Helen, darling.
Wejust wantyou to know again...
how welcome you are
in our family.
-I told herwelcome three times already.
I've been hearing about "the one"
for, I don't know, like 20 years.
And I thought
it would be a guy.
Right. I know, I know. But look,
I don't even believe that anymore.
I don't believe
there's just one person.
I think there are,
like, seven.
[ Coughs, Groans ]
- Oh, fuck! Fuck, fuck! Oh!
- [Thuds ]
- Are you okay?. Is it horrible?.
- I'm fine.
- Are you sure?. Are you having any fun?.
- Yeah, I am.
The dress looks good.
I'm gonna be right back.
- I don't know what she sees in her.
- Mother.
- She's flat-chested.
-Jesus, mother.
But at leastyou'reJewish,
right, dear?.
- Uh, no, but I've been to a seder.
- Well, that's nice.
Hey, guys, congratulations.
I'm sorry I'm a little late.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Meyers.
- I've been looking all over foryou.
- Oh. Why?.
Well,just to, uh--
Did you get my--
- What?.
- Uh, nothing.
- What, what, what?.
- Oh, nothing. It doesn't matter.
Oh, Helen, dear, haveyou thought
about the kids issue?.
I mean, you could of course each
try artificial inseminating.
Could you excuse me for a minute?.
I really have to pee.
- Did you see the view?.
- No. I haven't had a chance actually.
Why don't we
just go look at it?.
[ Groans ]
- Hi, Helen.
- Oh, my God.
Joan, hi.
- Hi, sorry. I was just, uh--
- I know. D.oyousmoke?
- No, I don't.
- Good. Neither do I.
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
It's so beautiful.
- Are you cold?.
- No, I'm fine.
- Here. Why don't you take myjacket?.
- No, really. I'm fine.
Jessica. What?.
- Are you okay?.
- Yeah. Why?.
I just, uh--
I haven't heard you say
my first name in, like, a decade.
Oh, right. Sorry.
- [ Exhales ] Stein,just take my coat.
- Okay, thanks.
- It's just like kissing a guy.
- No, it's not.
No, it's not.
How's it different?.
the lips are softer
and the body's softer.
And there's this nonthreatening
but very exciting--
It's kind ofr
hard to describe.
Wow. Wow.
It's pretty fuckin'
awesome actually.
- Whoa.
- [ Gasps ]
[ Both Chuckling ]
- Like, a year, right?. And that's it.
- Who knows?. An hour.
- And then you've impacted
the entire world.
- This is exactly--
I feel like I've always had
this theory along the same lines.
It's really stupid, but I've
always felt ifyou could be...
- the guy or gal to come up with
a really good quote.
- Right.
But good, like a good one.
A goodlittle nugget.
Like, "Nothing to fear
but fear itself,"
- That's a good one.
- or, "Ask not whatyour country--"
And then you're done.
I mean, that's like immortality
in one kind oflightbulb moment.
You just go offto some Caribbean island
and drink all day and read and sw--
- What areyou doing?.
- Uh, I just, uh--
Hey, hey, hey, Meyers.
Take it easy.
- We got plenty, you know.
It's an open bar.
- Yeah. I just--
I know. I needed that
unfortunately badly because...
I have to tell you something
and it's just gonna be hard.
Oh, my God.
Areyou firing me?.
- Is that whyyou brought up
the quitting and everything?.
- No, no. I'm not firing you.
I went tosee
yourshowlast night.
And I broughtyou flowers
because I knewyou were reallysad.
But, you know, the truth is that
you've been really happy lately.
I 've noticed.
I mean, so happy.
And that's made me really sad.
Inexplicably, deeplysad.
You know?. I mean, different than my
general snarky, bitter, tortured thing.
And, uh-- So anyway, I went to see
your show, not knowing exactlywhy,
and, uh, I saw your piece.
And I stared.
And then I had to get out ofthere.
I ran home.
And I started writing. I--
Just writing, all night.
Then I wrote all night
and into today.
I mean, that's why I was late.
I was writing.
And you know what?.
I was happy doing it.
I was really happy
for the first time in a long time.
Andas soon as I frelt
this happy thing, I--
I wanted to be with you.
You were the first person
I wanted to be with.
I mean, then it hit me,
and this was around 6:00 a.m.
You know, it hit me that...
the reason that I was so sad
when you got so happy...
and I was happier
when you got so sad...
was not because
I didn't want you to be happy.
It wasjust because I wanted to be
part ofrthe reasonyou were happy.
I wanna make you happy.
So, uh, what I'm wondering
right about now is, uh--
I mean, ifyou have any
reaction to what I just said.
Or more specifically, doyou wanna
have dinnerwith me tomorrow night?.
Ifyou'll excuse me,
I definitely need another drink.
No, wait.
I would have dinner
with you, but I can't.
I can't have dinner.
- What, not the season?.
- [ Laughs ]
No, uh, I can't
have dinnerwith you...
because I'm with Helen.
You're gonna have
dinnerwith Helen?.
I'm, uh,
with Helen.
- As in with with?.
- Right. With with.
I don't know what to say.
- I don't either.
- [Helen ]Jess?
Yeah. Hey.
- Hey, they're serving the first course.
- Oh, great.
- Here,yourjacket.
- Right. Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- Hey,Josh.
- Hey, Helen.
How are you?.
I'm good, thanks.
That's good.
- # Summerjourneys to Niagara #
- [ Chattering, Indistinct ]
# And to otherplaces
aggravate all our cares #
- # We'll save our frares #
- Take these right now.
# I've a cozy little flat#
# In what is known
as old Manhattan #
# We'll settle down #
# Right here in town #
Oh, we have more.
You know what I forgot?.
# We'll have Manhattan #
# The Bronx
and Staten Island too #
# It's lovely going through #
- # The zoo #
- Okay. Hold on.
Watch. He's gonna--
[ Shouts ]
- # It's very francy #
- Oh, my God.
# On old D.elancy Street
you know #
# The subway charms us so #
# When balmy breezes blow #
# To and frro #
- # And tell me what street
compares with Mott Street #
- I t's for your heart,
- for runni ng, for, you know--
- # InJuly #
- Al most there. Almost there.
- # Sweet pushcarts gently gliding by #
- Come on, come on, come on.
- I've got a cramp.
# The great big city's
a wondrous toy #
- Come on.
- Hey, wait.
# We'll turn Manhattan #
# Into an isle ofrjoy #
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- # The great big city's #
# A wondrous toy #
#Just made fror a girl and--
girl and-- girl and--#
- [ Record Scratches ]
- # We'll turn Manhattan #
# Into an isle ofrjoy ##
[Jessica ] Sweetie, I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna hit the hay.
[ Si ghs ]
Oh, thanks.
That m ust be
a pretty good book.
I t is.
I t's amazing actually.
- That's enough reading for one night.
- Sweetie, stop it.
I just want to finish this chapter.
It's really interesting.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, fuck.
- What?.
- Oh, no. I just forgot to
pick up my dry cleaning again.
Oh, I got it.
- You did?.
- Yeah.
[Jessica ]
Can't we talk about this?
No, sweetie we've talked.
We talk all the time.
- I know, I know. Isn't it great?.
- Ofrcourse it's great.
- Our talks are great.
- So good communication is the key
to a successful relationship.
- We never have sex.
- What?. Yes, we do. What do you mean?.
- We don't.
- Yes, we do.
When was the last time,
- I gotta think about it for a--
- A month ago.
Okay, okay.
But it was good, right?
It was-- It was good.
Wasn't it good?
- You drank a bottle ofwine.
- No, I didn't. That's not true.
That's not true.
I had maybe two and a half--
- Jess, what we have is a frriendship.
- What do you mean?.
- We're best frriends.
- I know. Isn't it great?.
Ofrcourse it's great.
Itjust isn't enough.
How can you say that?.
I love you.
I love you too.
That isn't the issue.
Well, what is the issue?
What is the issue?
- I wanna be with someone who wants me.
- I want you.
- I wanna be with someone who craves me.
- Well, I-I crave you.
Someone who wants
to rip my clothes off.
Why, why, why?.
Why can't it just be
great and loving and tender?.
Why is that not enough foryou?.
I don't understand.
I mean, don't you think maybe you place
a little too much emphasis on sex?.
Haveyou ever thought that it's just
one component ofa much larger package?.
-Jesus Christ, I want the whole package!
-I do too.
- I thinkwe have it. We live together.
- We're roommates.
[ Sobs ]
How can you say that to me?.
[Phone Ringing]
-[Jessica On Machine ]
Hi, it'sJessica and Helen.
- [Helen ] We're not home now.
But ifryou leave us a message,
we will definitely callyou back.
- [ Machine Beeps ]
- [Judy ] Hello, my darlings. It's Mom.
D.addy got reservations fror us
at Nobu, and not at 5:30.
[ BellJingles ]
U h, can I just
stick this on the board?.
- Oh, yeah, right. Sure.
- Is that fine?.
- You're an artist?.
- Oh, yeah. Trying to be.
- Thanks.
- I actually might know somebody.
- Oh, you know someone
who might be interested?.
- Yeah. Could be.
Really?. Well, maybe--
Should I leaveyou one?.
- Yeah.
- Maybe I'll leaveyou three.
Okay. Well, I would
really be grateful.
So thanks for the, uh--
- Oh, my God.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi.
- [ Both Chuckling ]
- How areyou?.
I'm good. I'm great.
How are you?.
- Good, I'm good.
- Good. God, it's been
a really long time.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how's--
- So how's--
- I'm sorry. I-- You-- What--
- Oh, no. I was just gonna say h--
I'm sorry. You go ahead.
Go ahead, speak.
- How's yourwriting coming?.
- It's good.
- It's, you know, glamorous.
- Yeah, right. I can see that.
How's the paper?.
- Oh, uh, I quit actually.
- Really?.
- Yeah, I left
a few months afteryou did.
- Wow.
- Really?. That's great.
- Yeah, it was great.
It was really great.
- Soyou're painting?.
- Uh, yes.
I mean, you know,
not for cash, butyeah.
- Right, well, who needs cash?.
- Who needs cash?. I do.
- Right. Right. Yeah.
- So--
- How's Helen?.
- Oh, uh--
She's good.
She's great.
- We're not together anymore.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Thanks, yeah.
- What happened?.
Uh, she dumped me.
- Wow.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's bad. I'm sorry.
- Yeah, it was bad. Thankyou.
That's okay.
What are you gonna do?.
- She wanted to be
with somebody a little more--
- A little more?.
A little more gay,
I guess, was the thing.
- Right. Wow.
- So what areyou gonna do, right?.
What areyou gonna do?.
But we're friends now.
- Well, that's good. That's very good.
- So it's good.
- Yeah, it's very good.
- Yeah. Friends are good.
- Friends are good.
- [ Chuckling ]
- [Alarm Clock Buzzing]
- Sweetie.
- [ Groaning ]
- Will you please turn that off?.
No, you turn it off.
You set it.
You gotta get up.
I do have to get up.
But I turned it last time.
- You do it.
- All right. I'll make the coffee.
- All right. I'll turn it off.
- Oh, my God.
You slept on my arm
the entire night.
- Oh, wait. I feel really tired.
- [ Laughing ]
- It's really good to seeyou too.
- It's good to seeyou too.
- It's nice to run intoyou.
- The same. The same.
- Okay. Take care.
- Okay.
- Uh, I wanted to get your--
- You know, I'd love to--
- I don't have your new number.
- New number, yeah.
Uh, you know what?.
It's all on this flier.
My new number and actually,
my E-mail is best these days.
- E-mail?.
- [ Laughing ] Yeah.
- I succumbed. E-mail is best.
- You succumbed. Yeah.
Wow, E-mail.
Okay. Thanks.
- Okay, I'll seeyou later.
Yeah, you too.
- Take care ofyourself.
# Mybreaking heart
and I agree#
# Thatyou and I
could never be #
# So with my best
my very best#
-# I setyou frree #
-[Helen ] She's not here yet.
She ran intoJosh Meyers.
Just now, that's why she's late.
I know, I know.
I'll get the whole story.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Oh, my God.
- H i. J essica just got here. I gotta go.
- Hi.
Yeah, I will. Bye.
- Laurie sends her love.
- Thankyou.
So, what did he say?.
Uh, well, first of all,
I got really nervous.