Kiwi Christmas (2017) Movie Script

Comes once a year
We send goodwill
and presents appear
All round the world
down the chimneys
He's there
Filling his belly
with biscuits and beer
Santa brings Christmas
Laughter and joy
Every Christmas, every toy
He's such a great guy
Christmas, Christmas
Santa brings Christmas
for good girls and boys
Ho ho ho! Hi, kids!
It's almost Christmas!
It's not Santa. Ha ha!
It's Crazy Dave
from Crazy Dave's Toys.
I've got bigger toys.
I've got better toys.
I've got billions of toys.
Don't wait for the real Santa.
It's Christmas every day
here at Crazy--
Need that last minute
Christmas tree?
Cheap-Ass Chainsaws
will see you right.
Just buzz on in
to your nearest store
for Santa's cut-price specials.
When the big fella
is on his way. Oh, no!
Big night ahead,
and you're under the weather.
Thank goodness for
Bye Bye Cold.
Get in here!
Yes, Boss?
What is this?
We've been through this before.
Whatever happened to
spreading peace and goodwill
by delivering presents
to the children of the world?
No, we can't do that
without a balanced budget.
Earn more, spend less.
That is why I sold the reindeer.
That old sleigh
was so last century.
We have to move with the times.
Your new sleigh
is more cost-effective,
and it's all run by this device.
Reindeers, they are Christmas.
Our gross tonnage of presents
per air mile has gone up
by 45% this year.
The reindeer
can't hack the pace.
Yeah, I know how they feel.
ANNOUNCER: Another beautiful
summer's day here in Godzone.
Hope you haven't left
the Christmas shopping
to the last minute.
In the next hour,
your chance to win
a year's supply of sausages
and a barbecue to go with it.
Hi, Santa.
It's Sam from New Zealand here.
I hope you're well
up in the North Pole.
When my great-great-great
grandfather started out,
he had a small sack
of simple wooden toys
made by his elves,
and kids loved it.
- [chuckles]
- Try telling these kids that.
I want a new pony.
It has to be a white one.
I'm sick of brown.
I want boots that are
going to make me win.
Not these useless things.
I want a new phone,
a new tablet, some new clothes.
Come on, Santa.
Call that a video game, Santa?
It doesn't even kill people.
Sure, I'll take care of
your request right away!
No, no, no, Boss,
don't take it personally, no.
Of course I take it personally.
I am Santa!
Get out, get out,
get out of here!
Get out of here!
Do you know what you
can do with this job!
You can shove it!
Ow, ow, ow!
That's far enough.
New Zealand.
Yes, yes, you'll never find me!
You see, well,
my mum and dad are separated,
and all I really want
for Christmas
is for them
to get back together.
Sam, come on!
Are you ready?
Yep, I'm ready.
Who were you talking to?
- No one.
- [chiming]
Look, I've told you before,
there's no such person
as Santa Claus.
- There is so!
- Even if there was,
he won't know
where you're going.
He'll find a way.
He always does.
So what'd you ask for?
Molly, don't!
Give it back! Give it back!
I'm calling Mum.
And these personalized
crackers really show you care.
Exactly. Make that extra effort
to show your family
you really love them.
[phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
And what better way to show them
than with this simple
Christmas menu.
Dark chocolate
and whisky tarts
with dehydrated berries
and black salt.
SAM: Mum, Molly's beating me up.
- Am not.
- Am so.
SAM: Dad hasn't picked us up.
We're here by ourselves,
which is technically illegal.
- Kids, eh?
- [sighs]
And so then
the piece of string said,
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
Hey, was that your phone?
Oh, the kids!
You were supposed to pick
the kids up two hours ago.
Could you do me a huge favor,
finish off?
- Eh?
- Thanks.
- [engine starts]
- PETE: Come on, come on, start!
LIZ: Pete. Pete!
PETE: Look, I'll meet you
at the turnoff to the beach.
So you want me
to take the kids.
Only to the turnoff.
It'll make life much easier.
You know what?
You sticking to your promises
would make life easier.
Come on, Liz.
It's on your way.
You just never stick
to a plan, do you?
Look. My plan is
to take the kids camping
to spend time together
because they're gonna have
a proper Kiwi Christmas.
That's my plan
Liz, please.
Just get there
as soon as you can.
Sorry, Doug.
I owe you one.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
- [knocking]
- Hey, I've come for the boat!
You've missed three payments!
I know you're in there!
- [knocking]
- Who do you think I am, Santa?
- [knocking]
- I'm not a charity!
I know you're in there!
[knocking on door]
I don't have time for this!
It's Christmas!
- Oi!
- [engine starts]
Sorry, fellas.
Now that is something.
I won't be needing this anymore.
[engine rumbling]
[alarm blaring]
What are you doing in there?
I haven't got you down
for any test flights.
- SANTA: That is right.
- Where are you going?
As far from here
as possible!
Oh, heck.
No, no, no, no, no.
A million times, no!
We got a code red.
Code Red! Code Red!
- We've never had
a Code Red before!
There's been
no training for this!
- I think Santa's gone AWOL.
- [gasps]
- [horn honking]
- He's here!
- Hi, son.
- Dad.
How are you, mate?
Are you all right?
- Good day, Dad!
- Hi, my darling.
PETE: I missed you both, heaps.
MOLLY: Missed you too.
- I didn't forget.
- No, no, no, of course not.
You never do.
You just get a bit distracted.
- Look at Dad's boat!
- Choice!
And did you buy that with
money you don't have as well,
just like the TV you bought
before the oven got repossessed?
Liz, take it easy.
I am taking it very easy.
I'm going to have a great time
in Rotorua at Cathy's wedding.
[phone ringing]
Ah! Excuse me.
Cathy, hello!
CATHY: I'm calling
the wedding off!
No, no, you can't.
CATHY: Yes, I can.
[Liz gasps]
- Honestly, men...
- CATHY: No, no, no, no, no.
Roberto's had an accident.
LIZ: Mountain biking?
Oh, my God!
No. He slipped over
getting a latte.
Will he be okay?
Not for the honeymoon,
he won't.
So I'm postponing the wedding
for two weeks.
Postponed for two weeks.
I'm really sorry, babe.
I'll call you later.
- [Roberto screams]
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
That's no good.
- You can come camping with us.
- Awesome.
No, no. The resort's
already been paid for.
You always loved camping.
Remember when
Mum and Dad attacked us
with those water bombs?
And then Mum and Dad
had too much wine
and got all smoochy.
Yeah, yeah, right-oh.
Okay, that's enough.
You could come camping with us,
and still do the wedding.
Be like old times.
Yeah, but it's not like
old times, is it?
Come on.
I'll make some room.
Fireworks for New Year's Eve.
Don't tell your mum.
Sam, pass me
that suitcase, mate.
- [whooshing]
- Get around, get around!
Liz! Get over here, Liz!
Could've been worse.
[car alarm blaring]
Brilliant, Pete.
Absolutely brilliant.
All I want is to rent a car.
CAR DEALER: Not until
after Christmas.
What? After Christmas?
- Hey, are you kidding me?
- That's right, lady.
[hangs up]
Well, at least
you got your clothes.
Yeah, but I haven't got my car.
My nice little car!
Okay, um, I am so sorry.
I was just really
looking forward
to a really nice,
relaxing holiday, okay?
Yeah, we know.
Look, the last thing I wanted
was for your plans to be ruined.
But, well, since we're all here,
why don't you at least spend
Christmas with the kids?
- It's only for a couple days,
and I'll drive you
to Rotorua on Boxing Day,
if that's what you want.
- Come on, Mum.
- We've got the pup tent.
We've got plenty of food.
We can make it work.
For the kids.
I'll be on my best behavior,
I promise.
[Santa speaking
foreign languages]
[Santa humming]
- This doesn't look good.
- Mm.
Boss, if we don't get
all the stuff delivered,
there'll be millions
of disappointed children
all around the world.
Yeah. That's millions
of ungrateful kids.
[blows raspberry]
You can't do that.
You're Santa.
Sure beats the city,
doesn't it?
MOLLY: No Wi-Fi, though.
I'll Wi-Fi you.
- [laughing]
- What?
PETE: Ah, welcome to Paradise.
[speaking foreign language]
[brakes squealing]
What have we got here?
Oh, yeah. Oh.
Good afternoon, sir.
Coastal Security.
Guarding our coast
to keep you safe.
Just doing a routine check.
You got anything to declare?
I don't think so. Just an old
bag of chips under the seat.
Pete, just stop it.
This is actually
no laughing matter.
My job is to keep
out undesirables
that can come in
by land, sea or air.
In fact, I think
you could be harboring
some Ciona Intestinalis?
Now, don't move
while I inspect your rear end.
[Pete laughs]
Of your boat, of your boat.
I meant to say boat.
- Hadn't finished.
- Okay.
DAVE: So is this the only fruit
you have with you?
That's right.
Then what do you call this?
That's our Christmas cake.
Yeah. A Christmas cake
containing fruit.
I'll take care of that!
You guys are gonna have
to leave this with us.
It needs to be disposed of
in the appropriate manner.
Hey, why don't we
just let them off
on a warning this time, eh?
Tama, a word.
- Yeah, sure.
- Just hold it there, folks.
Are you gonna be the one
to let in a tiny piece of fruit
that releases
the larvae of a fruit fly,
and brings down New Zealand's
entire agricultural system?
It's a Christmas cake.
It's a Christmas cake.
A little Christmas cake, eh?
- Ah!
- [gasps]
Too much.
What are you lot
still doing here? Scat!
Another biological hazard.
Merry Christmas, guys.
What a waste.
For your information,
we're just doing our jobs.
Keeping our coasts safe, okay?
[Pete grunts]
[Liz coughs]
- All right!
- Okay.
Come on, Pete, let's go.
All right, let this lot through!
Don't forget to recycle,
eh, mate?
MOLLY: Hey, look,
the hippies are back.
And the family
with the kitchen sink.
Here we go,
good ol' family campsite.
I'll just get 'em to move.
Hey, boys.
[breathing heavily]
Look, I'm afraid,
um, you're in my spot.
Oh, I'm sorry, mate,
'cause I booked
and paid for this site.
They must have made a mistake.
Show me your booking slip,
and I'll move.
I don't have a booking slip.
- So you've just turned up?
- Oh, no.
I mean, we've been
coming here for years.
This has always been our spot.
And now you just
want me to move.
Yes, please.
I got a little
Christmas message for you.
Get lost.
[inhales, exhales]
Merry Christmas.
You know what?
I just remembered,
this spot is rubbish.
It's too windy.
I know the perfect spot.
It's just along here.
[engine starts]
MOLLY: I like that spot.
PETE: Two, three, nice and easy.
That's the one.
Here we go.
Do you even know
what you're doing, Pete?
Ah, of course, I remember.
Do it in my sleep.
MOLLY: Should we time you?
Dad loves a challenge.
Right, first up the poles.
- Norman and Elsie.
- Oh!
Lovely to see you again.
Oh, Molly!
She's shot up
in the last 12 months.
I've been taking
illegal steroids.
MOLLY: Nothing.
And don't tell me.
This young man here
is Sam, right?
Yeah, that's me.
Know what? Can I have
the poles, please?
Oh, Norm and Elsie,
how are you?
- Hello, Pete!
- Hey!
Lovely to see
your happy family again.
Actually, Mum and Dad
are having a trial separation.
- Oh.
- Kids, eh?
Yeah, well, um...
bet you're looking forward
to Santa Claus coming, eh?
Yeah, but I don't think
he'll find me this year
'cause I've forgotten to tell
him we're going on holiday.
Oh, no, don't you worry,
I promise you.
Santa will find you.
- Yeah, well, we've got to go.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- See you, Norm.
[Norm clears throat]
That was a bit rough,
NORM: Yeah.
Yellow poles, please.
[engine whooshing]
- Where's he going?
- He's lost his marbles.
Well, he's not gonna
find them down there.
I'm tasting...
Jupiter berries,
marshmallow biscuits,
and, uh...
cinnamon muffins.
Ah, this is the life, eh?
Hey, Dave?
Do you know that
there's 17,000 kilometers
of coastline in New Zealand?
Yes, mate,
and it's our job
to guard
every centimeter of it.
Yeah, right.
LIZ: Another disappointing day.
You're gonna need to make
yourself a really good catch
if you want to get out
of this backwater.
That'd take a miracle.
Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
- Ohh!
- Whoa!
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Sausage, Dave?
Most gentlemanly of you, Tama.
Here it comes.
I don't know who you are,
but I'm gonna bust
your backside.
- Mmm. Ah!
- [phone ringing]
Yes, Boss.
We have an intruder
trying to enter our airspace
and slip in
under the cover of darkness.
They're coming your way now.
Keep your eyes peeled.
Eyes peeled, Boss.
Don't you worry.
Oh, sorry, bro.
But the instructions say
green first, then black.
Yeah, well, instructions are
for the cognitively impaired.
Just forgot your father
always has to do it his way.
The right way.
Can't we just start again,
and try to do it together?
"Oh, I know what I'm doing."
How many times have
I heard you say that?
PETE: Not my fault you're
such a control freak.
LIZ: I'm just telling you
what it says.
PETE: I don't need
to be told what to do.
- I know how to do it.
- LIZ: Obviously.
- You're an idiot.
- You're an idiot.
- You're an idiot.
- You're dumb.
PETE: Sam, what the heck
do you think you're doing?
You should know better
than to bring fireworks.
PETE: Yeah, it was just for fun.
- [explosion]
- Ohh!
COMPUTER: Pull up,
pull up, pull up!
- Pull up, pull up, pull up!
- [screams]
SANTA: Oh, no!
What's going on?
What's happening?
What's happening? What?
No, you.
That thing just
flew over the bay.
Did you see anything?
That is a negative, Boss.
Check it out! Now!
- Sam!
- Sam!
[screaming continues]
- Are you all right, son?
- Oh, my God!
Hey, help me get him
into the recovery position!
SAM: Is he okay?
[siren blaring]
[Santa coughing]
TAMA: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey!
- This guy needs help.
- Okay, sir, calm down.
Look, we've had some reports
of unidentified flying objects.
In the sky.
- Flying around.
- [Santa grunting]
- You seen anything?
- Nothing round here.
Probably just a fruit fly
out to get you.
LIZ: Pete.
It'd be a battle of wits.
- Pete!
- I've got my eye on you.
Oh, for goodness sake!
What about this poor man?
Oh, well, what do we have here?
Mm. Drinking and swimming.
He should know
better at his age.
Easy on the sauce there,
- [coughs]
- [laughing]
[coughing continues]
Come on. Up you go.
There you go.
- Did you find anything out?
- No, he's not a local.
None of the other campers
know him either.
I reckon he's from
some old folks' home.
- Probably got confused.
- Shh.
[Santa snoring]
LIZ: Well, he can't stay here.
Okay, okay.
There is no need to panic,
all right?
He's just stopped for a rest.
He'll be back in time.
We need to have everything
ready for him.
So go! Git!
[panicked chatter]
That sleeping bag okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Good, fabulous. Thanks!
- Night, family!
- Night.
- Night, darling.
- Night, son.
Isn't this glorious?
Yeah. Mum said
you needed a hat.
Dad said it's time
for breakfast.
Breakfast? Yes.
Thank you.
Oh, yes.
Look, I'm just saying--
As long as the kids are safe,
it'll be fine.
Here he comes.
You've had quite the adventure.
- My son found you in the drink.
- Drink?
- The water.
- He's still hungover.
You should take it easy
on the sauce, mate.
- Sauce?
- MOLLY: Drink.
Anyway, I'm Pete.
This is Liz, my...
- Uh, Molly and Sam.
- Hi.
I remember now.
And my name is San...
- Stan?
- Stan.
- Well, hi, Stan.
- Hi, Pete.
Now that accent tells me
you're not from around here.
Where you from?
I'm-- Up north.
Oh. You might know my whanau.
Yeah. Ohh...
Anyway, wrap your
laughing gear around this.
Laughing gear?
Has anyone said
you look like Santa?
Hey, Sam, don't be rude.
- But he does.
- It's all right.
I have heard this
many times before.
So where exactly
are you staying?
With my family.
Oh, nice. Are they here?
No, not yet.
Oh. How did you get here?
By bus.
But we found you on the beach.
Yeah, yeah, on the beach, yeah.
By water bus.
Okay, well, your family,
are they supposed
to be here already?
- Is that right?
- Yes.
LIZ: I'm sure they'll turn up.
MOLLY: He still believes
in Santa Claus.
SANTA: And you don't?
It's scientifically impossible.
Santa has 24 hours
to deliver presents
to over a billion children.
That gives him one-thousandth
of a second per household
to drop down the chimney,
leave the presents,
and eat the snacks left
for him and his sleigh.
Sounds hectic.
And don't get me started
on how eight reindeer
could ever provide enough thrust
to move that sort
of present payload.
45% bigger this year too.
Oh, ah, I imagine.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
[Dave grunts]
Off your backsides.
Surveillance headquarters
just intercepted this call.
God, I love
Surveillance headquarters.
STUFUR: Boss, if we don't
get all that stuff delivered,
there'll be millions
of disappointed--
"That stuff delivered".
Do you know what that means?
Um, he's a pizza man.
- Hawaiian? Oh!
- Cheesy crust.
It means they're smuggling
something illegal
into this country.
Do you know how I ended up
with you two clowns?
Because I let
the Calici virus
slip through my fingers.
It was smuggled in down
the underpants of a farmer
on my watch.
And do you wanna know why
that's never gonna happen again?
Yeah, because your gonna
use rubber gloves next time?
It's so hard to soar with eagles
when you're working with kiwis.
No, you idiots!
Because you two are gonna
track him down and find him.
- Understand?
- Yes, Boss.
This man here appears
to be the courier, okay?
Now, he's wearing
some sort of disguise.
Have you seen him before, Tama?
Ah, no, no, never.
Track him down,
find out what he's up to,
and stay undercover.
Don't let him
recognize you, okay?
We need to catch
this sicko red-handed.
And if you guys fail,
I've been asked to recommend
two Border Security members
to do a two-year stint
on a small island.
- Oh, nice!
- [laughs]
In Antarctica!
SANTA: According to Einstein,
time makes very strange things.
If you can move faster
than the speed of light,
you build a sleigh with
an antimatter warp engine,
and according
to my calculations,
Santa would be back home
at North Pole
before he even left.
But what's the point in him?
Young lady,
he must have some uses.
I hear he's a very intelligent
and very clever man, this Santa.
Clever enough to bring
our parents back together?
Santa cannot change
the way people feel and think,
though it might be
a better world
if he could.
Gidday, gidday.
Thought I'd introduce yourself
as it looks like
we're neighbors.
- Hi. Liz.
- Harry. Good to meet you, Liz.
Those are my boys,
Mick, Rick and Dick.
Ah, nice to get away
for a wee break, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, especially
when you're a solo dad
and, you know, you're trying
to make the best of it.
- Oh?
- Yeah, widower.
My wife Melissa, she...
She got a brain tumor.
Yeah, we met in Form Two.
She was the love of my life.
- I'm so sorry.
- Hey, these things happen.
But it's been hard
on the boys, obviously.
Anyways, if you ever want
to come for a ride in my boat.
Ah, no, thanks, mate.
Oh, sorry, I didn't
realize you two were--
No, no, no.
Pete's my ex.
Ah, trial ex.
Well, I think it's great
that you two
put the love for your kids ahead
of any personal differences,
and come away
on holiday together.
Um, Harry just invited me
for a ride in his boat.
2.5 horsepower?
Yeah, I got, ah, 15.
Ah, 2.5 is enough
to get me to the big one.
Huh. I'd hate to see the size
of your carbon footprint.
Bigger than yours, mate.
Hey, let's get out
on the water, eh?
- Make a day of it, yeah?
- Yeah!
PETE: Okay.
Hey, guys, don't forget
your togs and towels!
SANTA: So you and Pete
are separated?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, news travels fast
in our family.
We're just too different.
Pete lives in the moment.
I like to plan ahead.
But ever since he moved out,
we've had no money problems.
We don't argue anymore.
The kids are still
doing well at school.
I'm a lot happier now,
that's for sure.
- Yes.
- SAM: Go, Dad!
Sometimes you just have to do
what you think is...
best for you.
DAVE: The secret
to surveillance
is to get as close as possible
to the enemy camp, okay?
Stealth, yep, stealth.
- Oi!
- Hey, mate.
Nothing to see here, people.
Just carry on, yep.
PETE: All right, hold on!
We're gonna go round
one more time!
SAM: Keep going!
PETE: Hang on, boy,
that's the one!
Good boy, Sammy!
Could be anywhere.
PETE: Good boy, that's the one!
Oi! Oh.
Okay. We need to
observe him up close.
Oh, okay.
Oh, oh, oh.
Andy, there's some creep
perving at me.
- Uh...
- [growling]
Wow! That was fun!
Yeah, but it's not for me.
Okay, so...
plan B.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Okay, okay,
here we go, here we go.
Gotta limber up.
Okay, yeah, yeah, good, good.
Okay, okay, pass it.
Go back, go back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
we're good.
Aah! Oww!
That man broke
that little kid's toy.
I'm good, I'm good.
Well, these things happen.
DAVE: There we go, there we go!
- Well?
- Huh?
I guess Santa will have to give
him another one for Christmas.
[boy crying]
- [crying continues]
- Abort!
- Hey, hey!
- Go, go, go, go!
WOMAN: Where do you
think you're going?
- Come back!
- [crying continues]
Okay, let's have a look.
Those eggs, eh, son?
SANTA: Oh, no, it's broken.
WOMAN: Oh, amazing!
It looks better
than the old one.
SANTA: Yeah.
- Thank you, Mister.
- Thank you.
SANTA: Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
How did you do that?
Well, I think
it's time to cool off.
About to go for a whizz
around the bay to warm her up.
Care for a lift?
Oh, no, thanks!
Oh, come on,
you only live once!
Where's Mum?
All right, then.
What's she doing?
- [engine revs]
- Dad!
He's making a run for it!
Come on!
Stop it! Help!
- Help!
- That looks like Stan.
- Cool!
- Will he be okay?
Sorry, mate,
government business!
Okay, come on.
Living the dream!
David! Sorry about that.
[Santa yelling]
- Far out!
- Stan!
Hey! Hey, hey,
are you okay?
Catch you later, Lizzy!
- That was fantastic.
- What happened?
- Hey, what happened?
- Your friend.
Mr. Check-Out-My-Massive-Boat.
That's what happened.
Where you going?
I'm gonna go and
provide for my family.
But don't let me stop you
from having a good time, okay?
[Santa laughs]
Nice one, Dad.
Hey, Dad, what's your saying?
"The worst day fishing is better
than the best day working."
You better believe it, mate.
I got something!
- Well done, Sam.
- Good man!
It's snagged.
On something red.
Ah, I'm, um, um, um,
I'm gonna be seasick.
Just over the side, Stan.
I have to get back to shore.
Whoa. It's come loose.
Okay, all right, all right.
Hey, lines in.
We'll head back.
[engine rumbling]
SAM: Hi, Mum!
The hunters have returned,
and the family
shall eat tonight!
Gidday, gidday!
Caught far too many of these
for us to eat.
- Would you like one?
- Wow!
That's so nice of you.
Ah, no, no, no.
We're good thanks, mate.
We got our own.
Suit yourself.
Just trying to be neighborly.
[clicks tongue]
Showed him.
- Ah!
- Sorry.
Why don't you teach your kid
how to hit the ball straight?
He can hit a ball straighter
than any of you lot.
Well, you're talking to
the campsite cricket winners
five years in a row.
- But not six.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Game on.
- [Harry laughs]
- Dad!
- What?
- Look at them.
We can beat them, right, Dad?
Of course! No doubt. Liz!
I'm out.
Stan, you look like you could
throw a good googly.

- Let's go, Ricky!
- Let's go, Stan!
- Big hit, mate!
- Come on, Stan!
Howzat! Yeah! Yes!
Let's go, Dad!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Whew!
- Ricky!
Do your best, eh, darling?
Keep your eye on the ball, okay?
Dad, I know what I'm doing.
Let's go, darling.
Big hit, yes!
That's one!
Go, go, go! Yes!
- Howzat!
- Oh!
Let's go, son. Big hit!
Go, Sammy!
- [thumps]
- [grunts]
Brilliant, Dad.
You caught the ball.
Out! He's out!
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
All right, Mickey!
Just get going!
- Yes! Go, Molly!
- Run, Molly!
Here, darling!
- Yeah!
- Nice one, Dad!
Great game.
Good innings, good innings.
Come on, Dick!
- Way to go!
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
- What was that, Dick?
One, two, three, go!
Careful, mate. You might
do yourself a mischief.
Watch and learn.
PETE: Give him a good one, Sam.
- [doink]
- Boom!
- Sam!
- You all right, son?
Sam, are you okay?
- [laughs]
- Harry?
Harry, that was
a little bit mean.
Oh, it's a competitive
game, Liz.
Maybe you shouldn't go
crying to Mummy
every time something goes wrong.
You've gotta harden up!
Is that what you tell your boys
when they miss their mother?
We don't miss her that much.
She'll be back on Tuesday.
Hey, you!
I thought she was...
In Sydney...
on a girls' holiday.
Yeah, right.
That's enough, boys, eh?
Back to the game, huh?
LIZ: Flight or fight?
Fight! Yeah!
Bring it on!
One to win!
Going out of the park.
- Yours, Stan!
- Yeah, baby!
- Catch it, Stan!
- Come on, Stan!
To the victors...
the spoils.
- Okay. Tongs.
- Tongs.
- Fork.
- Fork.
You two realize you're watching
a master at work, right?
Unlike some others.
- [whoosh]
- Ohh!
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Water, water!
- Is that on me? Give it!
Oh. Maybe I should cook.
- Yeah.
- Bunch of amateurs.
They look very nice.
They're yum.
So has your family
arrived yet?
My family? Oh.
I just heard today
they are not going to
make it for Christmas.
Ah. Well, that's a shame.
Nothing serious, I hope.
No, no, no. Just a last
moment changes of plans.
Well, you can stay with us.
I-I couldn't possibly.
Well, you can't spend
Christmas by yourself. Dad!
Well, it's your
Mum's holiday now too.
Stan, we'd be delighted.
Wouldn't we, Pete?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
- Sure.
- Yeah
It is so kind of you,
so kind of you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much
LIZ: Let's eat.
- Yeah.
- Dig in.
Yeah, dig in. Nice work.
What say
he's never coming back?
Yes, what say?
We should go get him.
Yeah. How?
- The reindeer!
- Yes!
No! We let them all go,
Hey, he'll be on his way back
right now.
I'm sure of it.
Come on.
We might have
to keep you on, Stan.
No more Santa.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
I've been looking everywhere
near and far
Turns out right here in
front of me is where you are
You got me in my head
You got me in my heart
You got me in the air
You got me from the start
[foreign language]
Give me your love
[foreign language]
You've got my love
Whoo hoo hoo
Watch out for your marshmallow.
Here, give it to me.
You can have that one.
That was beautiful.
Hey, do you remember
Barry's Beach?
When did we go there?
Well, you didn't.
This was long before
you were around, mate.
SAM: Tell us about it.
Well, that's where
I met your mum.
I was out camping
with a few mates, and...
there was this beautiful woman
around the campfire,
and I had to woo her,
which I did
with my amazing guitar skills.
Well, that's what
I told him anyway.
We spent
a lot of summers there.
Just a little pup tent
and a boat just like this one.
[motor starting]
MOLLY: It's moving.
It is moving,
isn't it, darling?
No, Dad, the boat's moving!
Mate! Please, please!
- Get out of the way!
- Look, I can pay!
You're too late.
I've got the money right here,
right now, I can pay.
BRUCE: You got two minutes.
What's going on?
I bought the boat
when I had the contact,
but it fell through, okay?
- It's not my fault.
- It's never your fault, Pete.
I got that boat for our kids,
for our family to have fun.
Oh, well, at least you've
got the money now, right?
Yeah, about that...
Merry Christmas.
Hey, Liz, wait!
Liz, please!
I just want to say--
Oh, no.
Morning, Stan.
Good morning.
Christmas Eve is upon us.
Yes, so it is.
- [tent unzipping]
- So it is.
Hey, Stan,
you want some kai?
- He means breakfast.
- Oh, breakfast.
Yes, thank you.
Of course.
Ah, yes.
- Hello, darling.
- Hello.
Mum! Dad!
Look at this!
Hey, where'd you get that?
On the beach.
Open it.
No, no.
It might belong to somebody.
Finders keepers.
Sam, were there any more
where you found this?
Not that I could see.
MOLLY: Cool!
Christmas crackers!
SAM: Yeah.
- Ooh, a present.
- Careful!
It could be booby-trapped.
That's what these
big-time smugglers do.
It's just a present.
Yep! Explosives!
Secure the perimeter!
She's so brave.
Look out!
Get out of the way!
[beeping continues]
What was that?
I'll go and have a look.
Ooh, okay.
Why didn't the skeleton
go on the rollercoaster?
[device beeping]
TAMA: Why?
Because he didn't
have the guts.
Zip it!
Using exploding
Christmas crackers
to disguise
your evil smuggling.
How low can you go?
TAMA: I don't know.
How low?
CARLTON: I don't joke.
I will find him,
and I will crush him.
[wrapper crunching]
DAVE: Right, Boss.
Come on.
[siren wailing]
[distant chatter]
That's him, there he is.
Ask him, Elsie.
Liz said you might
be able to help us.
Norm always plays Santa at
the children's Christmas picnic.
We wondered
if you'd take his place.
You look the part.
I'm very sorry, but no.
We've been doing it
for 35 years.
We weren't able
to have children, so...
we've always loved
giving the children here
a little something.
It would mean so much
to Norman.
I've a pillow in there
for the tummy,
but you may not need it.
- What?
- [laughing]
Come on, Stan.
Just say yes.
- Well--
- Oh, thank you so much!
- SANTA: No, I did not say yes!
- Thank you.
Nice, Mum.
[wolf whistle]
Just taking one
for the team, eh?
Here he is.
There he is,
all the way from the North Pole,
Mr. Santa Claus himself.
You shut up.
You look just like
the real thing.
- Duh, there is no real thing.
- PETE: Hey, Molly.
Just because you don't
believe in him
doesn't mean he doesn't exist.
- Eh, Stan?
- Of course.
I think this Santa needs
a good old kiwi entrance.
Come on.
Come on, Stan.
You don't want to go
the Santa picnic, right?
CARLTON: There he is, boys.
No, that's Santa.
Hey! What, you guys
not coming?
Ah, yeah, yeah.
We'll take care of the boat.
Okay, awesome.
Thanks. Okay.
This better be good.
Trust me.
KIDS: Santa!
LIZ: Now, boys and girls,
have you guys been good
this year?
KIDS: Yes!
LIZ: Excellent.
We're really pleased to be
here today, aren't we, Santa?
Yeah, ho ho ho, yes.
[clears throat]
Anyway, Santa's really excited
to hand out some presents,
and first up, we've got...
Yes, Tyler.
- Come on up.
- Come here, Tyler.
Yeah, Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
[kids cheering]
LIZ: Oh, what's he got there?
- Whoo-hoo!
- Thanks.
Fantastic. Now, Santa...
you're delighted to hand this
over to Lily, aren't you?
Yeah. Lily, Lily.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thank you, Santa.
[kids cheering]
All right.
Isn't this fun, Santa?
Very fun, yes.
Ho ho ho.
Good girl.
Oh, that's lovely.
And this one, Santa,
is for Scarlett.
SANTA: Okay, Scarlett.
Here is for you.
Thank you, Santa.
- I love you, Santa.
- LIZ: Oh!
[kids cheering]
Thank you, Santa!
It was around here somewhere.
You mean... that?
Out of the way!
Out of the way!
This is official
Coastwatch business.
- You!
- Hey, hey.
You get presents only if
you have been a good girl.
Smart aleck.
Smart aleck.
This man is not Santa Claus!
- Hey, hey, hey.
- [kids booing]
Easy, easy, easy.
But the kids.
He has violated border security,
customs and immigration rules
by bringing goodness knows what
into this country.
But now the jig is up!
- PETE: Hey, leave him alone!
- [kids shouting]
- Leave him be!
- [Santa screaming]
He is smuggling
illegal substances
into these so-called presents
under the guise of Santa.
You make me sick.
- Bubbles.
- They're bubbles.
- Bubbles?
- They're bubbles.
A likely story. Tama.
- [spits]
- [kids giggling]
- Bubbles.
- Bubbles. It's bubbles.
Oh, mate, you guys are crazy.
- Those are presents for kids!
- Hey, moron, stop it!
Oi, you watch your mouth!
Don't you talk to her
like that.
I've got this Pete.
You butt out of it.
You don't talk to him
or him that way, please.
- Take him away!
- What?
What? No, you're not
taking anyone away, okay?
- You guys get out of here now!
- [kids yelling]
Yeah, get out of here!
Under the Boarder Security Act,
I have the power to detain
anyone that I have grounds
to believe is breaching
this country's security.
- PETE: Hey!
- [kids shouting]
Christmas is over, old man.
Ho ho ho ho!
- Go, Santa!
- Get him!
You are powerful.
You are a winner.
Believe in yourself.
You are the man.
CARLTON: Got ya!
Move out, Boss!
- Do you think it works?
- Let's try.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Santa! Where are you?
We need you!
Wait. What?
Stan is Santa!
- I told you!
- Ring them again.
Don't hang up!
[motor starts]
Born to be wild.
DAVE: Hey!
TAMA: Pick it up, pick it up.
- I've got this one!
- Oi, come here!
Get back here! Oh, no!
Oh, no, no, no! Oi!
Oi, come back here!
SAM: Santa's with us.
What? You kidnapped him?
No. He's just staying with us.
Well, tell him
to stop staying with you
and get back to North Pole!
- [murmuring]
- Huh?
It's Christmas Eve!
Yeah. How would he do that?
He needs to get into his--
Hello? Hello?
We've got to help him!
- Whoa, whoa!
- Oi!
We can use this
to pull the sleigh up.
Isn't this supposed
to be tied off?
- Whoa!
- Sam!
Sam! Sam?
Sam, grab my hand.
Sam! Sam!
Stan, help!
Help, help!
- Sammy!
- Help me, please!
Mum, Dad, help!
Please help me! Help!
Molly! Molly!
Grab my hand!
- Come on, he's getting away!
- Slow down, Dave.
Help him, Dad!
- Got ya!
- Go, Tama!
You're coming with me,
old man!
What kind of sicko are you?
On the boat, son.
In there, buddy.
Sam, are you okay?
Darling, you look after
your brother, okay?
I'll get us back to shore.
[starts, revs]
What were you kids doing
out in the water anyway?
Stan! Stan is Santa,
and we saw his sleigh,
and Sam got his foot
caught in a rope!
Molly, this isn't time
for games, baby!
- What?
- Idiot!
Come on.
Ohh! So you can
breathe okay, honey?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'll get you a towel.
Good boy.
Are you okay, son?
Sam, Sam, they've taken him.
Well, we've gotta help him!
Wait. I've still got this.
No, no! Let me go!
Let me go!
The only place you can go
is directly to jail!
I've done nothing wrong!
You are an illegal alien
smuggling in illegal goods
and risking
the nation's biosecurity!
I am Santa Claus!
Santa Claus, Santa Claus.
I hate Santa Claus!
When I was younger, all the
other kids at the orphanage,
they all got presents,
except me!
You wanted a doll.
I left you one,
and one to Harriet,
little Harriet next to you.
That cow!
She said she got two dolls.
Ah, no, no!
None of your mind games
with me, old man.
You're no more Santa Claus
than my butt.
Hey, Santa, why aren't you
at the North Pole,
putting presents on the sleigh?
It's a little complicated.
That's because
he's not Santa Claus!
Get him in!
TAMA: I'm sorry.
Hello, hello, hello.
I'm out of the workshop
right now.
Leave a message after the beep.
Ohh! He's running out of time!
Big Mama to National Base.
- Big Mama, go ahead.
- [coughing]
We've got a Code Purple.
- Roger. Code Purple.
- [coughing continues]
Code purple! Code Purple!
Run! Run!
Hey, little man.
- Let me go!
- Settle down.
Put me down!
- Right now!
- Come on.
Put me down!
Santa's little helper, eh?
He really is Santa!
A-A-And you should
let him go.
Put him in.
In there, little man.
[door closes and locks]
What are you doing here?
Of course they'll be all right.
They're good kids.
Well, of course.
They're our kids.
- Where's Sam?
- Where? Is he all right?
Yeah, yeah,
but they've got him and...
- Stan.
- Who?
Those Coastwatch guys
locked them in their caravan.
- No, they can't do that, Pete.
- We need to rescue them!
- Let's go.
- No, no, no, wait.
- What?
- No, we need a plan.
No, we need to go now.
If we rush into something
like this, we're gonna be--
I'm not rushing in
without thinking!
Can you both stop?!
You guys never
listen to each other.
Can't we work together
on this one?
It's okay, it's okay.
I know who you are.
My family are coming to help.
They'll get us out.
And you can get back
to deliver all the presents.
I'm not sure
it's just going to work.
Flight or fight.
You can do it
Do you know
why I am here in New Zealand?
I don't want to be
Santa anymore.
What do you mean, you don't
want to be Santa anymore?
You don't have a choice.
Well, I know it's hard
for you to understand.
What I understand
is there's millions of kids
waiting for the most exciting,
brilliant day of the year...
for you.
Not for me.
The presents.
They're waiting
for the presents.
Things that get more
expensive every year,
and even then,
they are not good enough.
By January, they'll be broken
and forgotten about.
Not my presents.
I can remember all of them.
You gave me a kite
when I was five.
I was so excited.
And then there was Clarence
when I was four.
That stuffed bear.
Yeah. I've still got him.
There's millions of kids
just like me,
who can't wait for Christmas.
And it's not just the things.
It's the magic.
And you're part of the magic.
By my calculations,
you'll need more than just magic
to get back home.
Would this help?
The world needs you, Santa.
All right, all right.
Get up, get up.
Pete, what do you think
you're doing?
You should know
better than that,
pointing fireworks at people.
Well, it's a diversion.
It's matter of life or death.
Yes, it will be
if you set those off.
Nice job, Boss.
Just keeping our shores safe.
Hurry up. Come on.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Stop him!
MOLLY: Dad, now is good!
Pete, get over here!
[crackling, whistling]
- Whoa!
- Aah!
We're under attack!
- [popping]
- [shouting]
Oh, well.
Could've been worse.
- I'll help Dad.
- [engine starting]
Keep coming, Mum.
- Mum?
- Yes! Whoa!
- Hang on.
- Hang on what?
Hang on what?
Nice job, Mum.
- Hold on, Stan!
- Please help!
Don't leave me.
Don't leave me!
Not on my watch.
Please! Help!
Take me off of here!
Hang in there, Stan!
[Santa shouting]
DAVE: Come on,
they're getting away!
I'm going as fast as I can!
Mum, Stan's on the roof.
You're gonna kill him. Stop!
[tires screeching]
Oh, hey, Stan.
SANTA: Oh, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't see!
Silent Night
Holy Night
All is calm
All is bright
They're gonna have to move.
No, we need to get to the beach.
- To the beach?
- Trust us.
Can I have your attention,
Santa needs to get back
to the North Pole right now,
or he won't be able to
deliver everyone's presents.
- Probably a charity thing.
- Sam.
Hey, I don't think
this is a good idea.
Dad, you said
you would trust us.
- But the Coastguards--
- Dad!
All right,
so who wants to help Santa
get back to the North Pole?
Left it a bit too late,
haven't you, mate?
Hey, hey, hey, you.
It only takes four minutes
to get back there.
And if I exceed
the speed of light,
I'll be back
earlier than I left.
Santa can do anything!
KIDS: Yeah!
Yes, my little friend.
All right, we need
to get to the beach now,
and we need lights,
any lights you can bring.
Whoa, hey,
this man is a fugitive.
No! They're wrong!
He's a kind old man.
Hey, do you want to ruin
Christmas for all these kids?
Yeah, what she said.
All right, let's go!
Lights, torches, lanterns.
Lights! Lights!
[kids cheering]
Big Mama to National Base,
I need a recovery team.
Roger, Big Mama.
Recovery team on its way.
the workshop right now.
Leave a message after the beep.
I'm afraid that's it.
He's not coming back.
There'll be no more presents
delivered this year.
- [gasps]
- [sobs]
What now?
- Crazy.
- [scoffs]
My sleigh.
Now everybody back off.
Back off, back off.
On this side.
Hurry up, hurry up.
Move, move, move, move, move.
I want to thank you all,
my Kiwi friends.
And especially,
I want to thank Sam...
and Molly...
and Liz and Pete.
My new friends.
And I want to thank
all you little friends.
You have helped me so much.
Especially you, Nathan.
Don't be surprised
I know your name
because I'm Santa.
Someone might think,
that this period of Christmas
is gone--
- Step away from the sleigh!
- Ah, Stan?
It's you who needs
to be gone now, mate.
- Santa.
- Santa.
All right, show me your lights.
You know what to do.
Now go!
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!
[helicopter whirring]
Yes, my friend.
- Thanks, Santa.
- Thank you, Molly.
Thank you so much.
Big Mama!
What took you so long?
To the beach!
- Move out!
- Let's go, let's go!
I always believed in you.
I know you did.
This is for you, Sam.
Thanks, mate.
- Santa.
- Yes?
You need to hurry.
CARLTON: Come on, move it!
- Move it there!
- Hold on, Boss!
We've got you surrounded!
Uh, uh...
Get down there!
- Yes, Boss.
- Get down there!
Here we go!
No, no, no, no!
Don't do this to me now!
Move, you pile of junk!
Come on, come on, come on!
SWAT MEMBER: Stop, stop!
You there!
- Help me, help me.
- Push start.
Push, push, push, push.
- Good idea.
- Okay.
- Let's go, guys.
- Hurry!
Come on, family.
Out of the way!
Oh, no, you don't. Here!
Come back here!
Go, Santa, go!
Go, Santa!
Go, go, go!
Go, Santa!
[Santa screaming]
- [whimpering]
- [chuckling]
Santa Claus at your service.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm in a bit of a hurry.
- Safe trip there, Stan!
- Bye!
Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!
- [laughing]
TAMA: Oh, gee.
Zip it.
MOLLY: Hey, let's do
some marshmallows.
SAM: You burnt
the last lot, Molly
- Did not!
- Did so!
Hey, hang on.
One more thing.
[distant caroling]
Come on.
Come on.
[caroling in foreign language]
[foreign language]

SANTA: Hello!
- Santa?
- Santa?
Did you miss me?
Listen, everybody.
No more expensive presents.
We're going back to basics.
It means playing cards
and volleyballs
and fishing rods
and simple wooden toys.
- Yeah!
- And...
I need all of your help.
is back in business.

I've been looking everywhere
near and far
Turns out right here in
front of me is where you are
You got me in my head
You got me in my heart
You got me in the end
You got me from the start
And now you got my love
You got my love
Yeah, you got my love
You got my love
[foreign language]
Give me your love
[foreign language]
You've got my love
Summertime has a way with me
and there's no cure
Just a glimpse of the scenery
you're back once more
You got me in my head
You got me in my heart
You got me in the end
You got me from the start
And now you got my love
You got my love
Yeah, you got my love
You got my love
[foreign language]
Give me your love
[foreign language]
You've got my love
Whoa oh oh
You've got my love
Whoa oh oh oh
My love
Whoa oh oh oh
Whoa oh oh oh