Knights of Badassdom (2013) Movie Script
In the 16th Century,
the mystic John Dee
wrote the "Sigillum Aemeth",
a book of musical chants
that were meant to summon angels,
but brought forth demons instead.
Fearing the unholy power
of his dark songs,
Dee tried to destroy
the book, but failed.
Sought by sorcerers and
dark rulers for centuries,
the book had been lost...
Until now.
Bequeath protection
upon thine followers
who walketh in the footsteps
of Vinsibas Aroptum.
Vinsibas Aroptum.
And your appeasement of
the gods of Vinsibas...
Have failed.
What seven blood packs
not enough, Ronnie?
Yeah, this shit's never coming
out of my tunic, by the way.
I don't know what to
tell you guys, okay?
The appeasement...
The appeasement fails?
- It's bullshit.
- You failed, Eric.
Okay... Maybe if you made
a meaningful sacrifice.
Hey, that's bullshit, Ronnie.
What do you want from me?
We're out here in the woods
in the middle of the night.
We got our robs on...
We nailed the chant.
Come on.
We had everything the
game plan laid out.
It's time that you leveled us up.
You can't just keep failing
my appeasements forever.
- I'm sorry...
- F you, Hung.
The appeasement fails because
Eric wasn't meaning it.
- He wasn't being meaningful.
- Bullshit, Ronnie.
Shut up, Hung, I don't know
what to tell you guys.
Sometimes I don't know who's
harder to appease, Ronnie.
- The gods of Vinsibas or you.
- If you don't stop
complaining, the gods of Vinsibas are
going to curse all your characters
with a case of evil herpes!
- Bullshit!
- Eric, you failed.
- What the fuck?
- Maybe if you made
a meaningful sacrifice.
Guys, how will we taste triumph at
Evermore with this weak bullshit?
Fear not, Sir Reginald, for
I have just the magic needed.
Excuse me while I whipith this out.
What was that?
Hey, Dude, what's that?
What?
Oh shit!
That hurts.
Eat paint, haunted fuckers!
Help... Help!
This'll teach you to play your
fucking wizard game in our woods.
Yeah, run!
Run, you freaks...
And don't ever come back.
Ah!
Hey, check this shit out.
Harry Pooper dropped his book.
Yeah, tear that shit.
Come on, man...
just destroy the book.
Rip it open.
What the fuck?
Get it off... Fuck... get it off!
Fuck... Jesus motherfucker.
The book fucked up your face.
Be strong, Sir Reginald.
Be strong, I say.
Oh ma...
Fuck.
Shit!
- We gotta go back for the book.
- What book?
I brought that kickass old book
I was gonna use for my spells!
Fuck!
I must have dropped it when
those paintballers attacked us!
Shit!
- Fuck!
- Is this it?
That's it.
Whoo... Thank God.
Sorry about freaking out.
No problem.
Ronnie Kwok, he's gonna
shit when he sees that.
We'll be back, you
redneck cocksuckers.
This I vow.
Cast down divide
Dark ripped
Shadows of our dead minions
Drag me into the abyss
He is reborn in the dark light
Bleh.
He instigates thy doom
Turn off the music!
- Turn it off!
- What?
- Turn this music off!
- I can't hear you.
Joe, come on.
Come on.
You are this close.
How close?
Damn, man.
That shit is tight.
It's called "Your Heart Sucks My Soul. "
It's kind of a love song, you know?
Mm-hmm.
I wrote it as a surprise for Beth.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Listen, if that song doesn't
say love and commitment,
I don't know what does.
We need to have a talk.
I'm actually way ahead of you.
How about you, me,
dinner, tonight?
Somewhere with a tablecloth?
I got a little something
special I want to give you.
Wait.
Don't tell me it's...
Is it what I think it is?
No.
Yes.
I don't know...
What do you think it is?
Don't do anything big
involving jewelry, okay?
I mean, I need to
concentrate on my career.
It's not the right thing for
that sort of commitment.
Oh, no, no, I get it.
Whoa.
It's cool.
It's cool.
I mean, why mess with
a good thing, right?
Time out here, Joe.
You're breaking up with me.
Will you listen to me?
You have a college degree
in communications studies.
You could be doing
anything you wanted.
Hold up.
I am doing what I want.
You live in a fake castle
leeching off your accidental
millionaire loser friend playing
black metal in your bedroom.
You will never change.
Uh, it's doom metal.
Who the fuck asked you?
Well, he's right.
Gilberto, you're the fucking man.
It was black.
Then we went through
a sludge phase.
Now it's more doom.
I need to focus on my
future, my career.
It's important that I align myself
with successful people, Joe.
I'm sorry, but that's
just how it is.
Hey, dude, where's my plus-3 mace?
Am I thy weapon's keeper?
Hey, man.
Found it!
Oh, hey, dude.
You bent my mace.
That's not-that's not cool.
Sorry, man.
My mom made me this mace.
It's still fierce.
Ahh!
That's a power ballad.
What's wrong with him?
Oh.
She dumped you, didn't she?
Fuck off!
Whoa, nice shot.
So your body is already
subconsciously moving on.
I knew that this day would come.
You had a vision of her just
ripping out my heart, huh?
Yeah.
Thanks for the heads
up, mighty warlock.
I'm a 26-level wizard, buddy.
I know that you know that
and you're just tying
to be hurtful.
Fucking Beth.
Dude, look, I'm sorry for
what happened, but you two
hadn't been right for each
other for a long time.
It's only the rejection that hurts.
You'll get over that.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe...
I should be making some changes.
Maybe I should move out of here.
No, there's no need for drama.
You always have a place
here at meine castle.
I still love her.
We can't leave him like this.
I know.
I'll be fine... Just go.
Go... Kill your fake dragons.
This is awkward.
I know what you need.
Come on.
Come on!
Uh-uh.
I told you, I don't do
that shit any more.
Yeah and the reason you quit
just kicked you to the curb.
So I think it's high time that
you got back in the saddle.
It's a sativa, dude.
It'll lift your spirits
but not knock you out.
Just do it... it's nothing.
Okay.
I love you.
I love you too, Joe.
Sweet Jesus.
Wait.
Oh no.
Fuck me.
Aye, Sir Dragoroth have
been detained by Minerva.
...The sea hag.
His bewitchment by the siren's
song shall be the nail
thine army wantst,
King Diamond the Red.
We shall see.
Until Evermore.
'Til Evermore.
Eric!
Hung!
Where the fuck are we?
'Tis the kingdom of
Eliphaz, my naive friend.
You shanghaied me and dressed me.
Aye.
It just felt right.
Adventuring is exactly
what thou needst.
"Needst" is not a word.
Where we are, it is.
I'm taking this shit off.
Whoa!
Now is not the time
to lose thy nerve,
brave and scorned warrior.
Thou has been recruited to
fight in the glorious army
of Kabedrah.
The epic battle of Evermore.
Come, Sir Hung.
That looks terrible.
My three-year-old nephew
could make a better map.
He's got learning disabilities.
It'll have to do.
You, my friend, are on dragon duty.
Take these...
and make sure that
weeee are good to go.
And Dragon Rider!
Just don't fuck with my stereo.
Grass is nourished by
the blood of heroes.
Hmm?
- Are you listening?
- Yes.
Uh-huh... let's continue.
And here we have Fengyrian Falls.
Oh.
Remember, gentlemen, your
supervision of this script
and the monsters contained within
will make this event come alive.
Follow me now.
Adventures lie waiting
like sleeping dragons!
Hah?
And here we have Novum Castellum!
Ah, each band of
heroes will complete
a Class Three quest this eve.
By gathering at the
plains of Evermore,
the battle betwixt the realms
of King Diamond and Carey.
Though there will be a big
surprise in store for all.
And as game master, I will be
watching over all of this.
You can think of me as God.
Excuse me a minute.
Ah, Gwen.
Just whom I wanted to see.
I have been watching you these
long battle-swept nights
of the campaign and you
have shown your mettle.
So, verily, the time has come
for you to ascend to
the upper realms.
Oh God.
The game hasn't started
already, has it?
- No.
- We don't have to talk
in Dorkinese yet, do we?
I thought maybe you'd want to be
my assistant head game master
and you could be my right
hand, my right hand...
Ow!
Ooh.
I have an idea of
what your right hand
spends a lot of time doing, Ronnie.
That's really personal, Gwen.
Come, Gunther.
I'll take that as a no for now.
- You okay?
- Shut your mouth.
Onward.
Shut your mouth.
Where the fuck are the keys?
Two floors.
Whoa.
Hey.
Thought you guys only
used foam weapons.
In this world, young Jonen,
you can only put
your trust in steel.
My elite clientele is willing to
pay a premium for authenticity.
Where the fuck are the keys?
Come on, Joe.
You played D&D.
Live action role play
is the next level.
D&D was a long time ago.
Yeah... And you were a legend.
These people here?
They sing songs about
the time that you gave
Ronnie Kwok's paladin
demonic syphilis.
Do you remember... remember when
we caught Ronnie spanking it
to the succubus picture in
the old monster manual?
Good times, man.
Yeah, and some of us
are still having 'em.
Come on!
Eric's about to level
up to Grand Sorcerer.
I'm packing an ounce
of killer 'shrooms.
And there be monsters
in need of pummelin'!
You have a choice:
Join us in tasting the
sweet nectar of victory
or mope around an empty
house all week like a bitch.
You guys do actually
look slightly badass.
It's like a Metalwolf cover.
- Yeah.
- Without the muscles.
No.
All right.
I'm in.
Huzzah!
Please.
Don't make me rethink this.
Nah.
Welcome to the fields of Evermore!
Um, Ronnie?
Yes, Travis.
Where are our costumes?
There is no end to the
tricks up my sleeve
- Wardr'be?
- Yes, sir.
Got it... 42 regular.
42 reg... I think
you'll find it snug.
- Great.
- Freshly laundered.
I'm a trained actor, man.
Not some fucking... stunt monkey.
A weekend improv workshop, my ass.
Ungrateful.
Ah, greetings, enchanter.
I have some surprises
in store for you.
Some creatures with a taste
for flesh of the lowest order.
Hmm?
Parasites, charlatans.
War profiteers of
forbidden weaponry.
Verily, I say... let it go, dude.
Well.
Marketplace is a battlefield and
to the victor go the spoils.
Agreed.
I bring news of a legendary warrior
long absent from this realm
who returnth to replace the
estimable Sir Reginald.
The new warrior is
of course welcome.
Wonderful... Jobreyth of Revitt
shall once more fight by my side.
Joe Revitt's here...
What the frak, Eric?
- I hate that guy.
- Ronald, Ronald,
why be so petty?
I mean, surely, you're not still
sore about your syphilitic paladin.
Perhaps, the pages of
your monster manual
remain stucketh together?
For old time's sake, he's in.
But...
You must accomplish a
level 12 summoning spell
to animate Joe's character
with Reginald's life-force.
Consider it done, my liege.
Okay, that was a bit much.
Show-off.
Lo, the adventure begins!
Please report for
quest assignments.
Step forward when
your group is called.
Heed this reminder.
All guilds must
complete their quest
prior to tomorrow's
battle at Evermore.
Also, Ryan the Necromancer
beseeches thy help
in finding his inhaler.
What... Oh.
His inhaler of doom!
And to the owner of the
sperm-white Toyota Tercel,
thy chariot is blocking
the witches' coven.
Move it or you'll be faced with
a hex of great dark magic.
And you'll be towed.
It's a lot like you remember it,
except instead of
sitting around a table,
we do it for real.
For fake.
Fake-real, dude.
Don't fuck with me.
And this fake-real
involves, uh, yoga?
Laugh now, but a
structured warm-up routine
helps prevent injury later.
All right... I'll show you.
Come on.
What?
All right.
Arms and legs, one point.
Torso's two.
Limb takes a hit, it's useless
until healing's been cast.
Parry disarm can be
used once per melee
unless you're up against
a two-handed weapon.
Grab your sword, I'll demonstrate.
Finish him!
Got an idea.
How about I just forget the count
- and start wailing on people!
- Dude!
Dude!
It's honor system, Man.
Okay, you're all set
to join the battle.
I just spoke with Ronnie.
- Oh, except lose the sword.
- Huh?
Yeah, newbs don't get swords.
Um.
Wait, I have to earn the
right to carry a foam stick?
'Tis not the size of the young
knave's blade, but the lust
in his thrust by which
legends are made.
Oh!
Jobreyth!
There is one more thing
you're going to need to do.
Verily?
- This is retarded.
- Guys, pentagrams?
Man, we don't roll that
way here, all right?
This is the LARP, not the
Wicker Man Wiccan cosplay.
Nay.
'Tis in the book, dude.
Okay.
Um, Eric.
They be the rest of our
traveling companions.
Stand back and witness the
spectacle of my animation spell.
- Ready?
- Oh, for God's sake.
Ahh!
Beth?
Beth?
Ahh!
How awesome was that!
A-plus, motherfucker.
Arise, Jobreyth.
Breathe fresh the air once again.
What the fuck was that... it hurt.
Methinks you should not
be so much of a pussy.
Don't tell me you've never
played with fireworks before.
Not like that.
What was with the faces,
the smells, everything?
What was that?
I tell you what I see.
A warrior...
who can't let go of his past.
What are you doing?
Wow.
What was that?
Ex-girlfriend!
Jobryeth needeth closure!
It's not like that.
'Tis no matter to me, apprentice.
What the shit is going on?
Why is there smoke?
Eric, I said a basic summoning
spell, not one of your
non-regulation
pyrotechnic displays.
This was more befitting
a 27th level sorcerer.
Which you are not yet.
What's up, Joe?
Needst I remindst thou
the Temple of Syrinx awaits.
Don't be a buzzkill, Ronnie.
Ah.
Come, Gunther.
Buzzkill
What?
Buzzkill
How you doing there, Captain Trips?
Verily.
There be a fungus among us.
Is it your fungus
that's fucking with me?
'Cause if you did slip me some
'shrooms, why's it feel like
I got bent over and taken
advantage of back there?
Perhaps thine reach exceeds
thy grasp, "vizard".
So who are our comrades, Enchanter?
Right.
That be Lando, the pious.
Watch him in battle...
Complete weasel,
but entertaining.
You'll see.
Sir Gunther, the mighty.
Head case with a big stick.
He is unique and crazy.
And...
And Guinevere the fearless,
who's plus-three ass perfection
should keep the memory
of She Who Shall Not
Be Mentioned at bay.
Plus-three?
Clearly you underestimate
my endowments.
Look, your party has
disturbed a nest!
Demon apes!
What the fuck?
Play on!
One of the beasts deals Sir Hung
the Glutinous a stunning blow!
Haha!
Great way to spend the weekend.
Sweating my balls off
in a monkey outfit.
I don't know where the hell I am.
Wha...
Who's there?
Hello, apelings?
- Dude... Joe! Little help here.
- Huh?
Help us kill some freaking apes!
You here for the LARP?
The live, the LARP?
Do you maybe have a map?
Oh, wow.
'Cause I, um... I sort
of lost my way.
Got separated from the group.
Oh... kay.
Jobryeth!
Gonna... kill... your...
monkey... asses!
Jobryeth takes a lethal
strike to the back!
Huh?
- Bullshit... 'Tis a lie!
- Halt!
Game master saw a palpable
hit and an unconscious man
throwing weaponry... weaponry
that is beyond the expertise
of your lowly character.
I don't understand what you
said, but I'm gonna sit down.
Three, two, one, play on!
Got separated from my group.
You too?
Uh, well, maybe then we should
stick together and both look.
Oh.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
If this is some sort of Fury
fetish, then I don't mind at all!
Oh wow!
Oh wow!
Oh, okay, sure.
From the ground,
thy wounds be bound.
Regeneration spell successful!
Still thy tongue lest I remove it!
Lightning bolt!
Lightning bolt!
You my bitch... Ow!
Same side, same side!
Be gone, demon apes!
Oh shit.
Damn.
Lando has been dealt
a mortal blow.
'Tis a lie... I had a spell
of simian protection up.
Fine, kill the brown guy first.
The great ape has been vanquished!
Huzzah!
Yeah.
Now remember, before
convening at the battle,
this party has a quest to
loot the temple of Syrinx
which needeth completion, so...
Perhaps the party should split
up for to cover more ground.
Capital idea, Sir Lando.
Take Sir Hung the Capable
and explore yon forest
for the fabled temple.
Verily... We shall meet thee
at Evermore if not before.
Godspeed to you and thine servant.
Servant?
I'm an apprentice.
Fucketh you very much.
Easy.
I beseech thee to give him
wide berth as he is pained
by a riven heart torn asunder
by the cruelty of an untrue maiden.
Enough with that shit, please.
Easy, my liege.
I told these guys
that thou were cool.
Ah, at last.
The simpletons and heretics
have left our brotherhood.
However, it occureth to
me that mine apprentice
has forgotten something.
Yo?
Thou must return to the
kingdom of Eliphaz.
- Uh...
- Parking lot.
Parking lot.
And fetch the amulet of
Kokun from our transport,
for it shall be needed at
the battle of Evermore.
So go to the parking lot to
get something you forgot.
Aye.
I shall join you on your mission.
The forest is no place for
an unarmed adventurer.
Let's go.
Act... It's this way.
Yes.
Hey, man.
Attention all teams.
Upon completion of your quests,
you may head to the battlefield
to prepare your camp for the night.
But as always, be on guard
for the evil scourge
from beyond our borders.
You know, those redneck
paintball jerks who crashed
our centaur hunt last week.
Prithee, take care.
Is that you, fellow
denizens of Elves' realms?
Speakers of Elvish?
Um, do you have a map maybe?
Do I know you?
Are you here for the LARP?
Was it the robes or the pointy
ears that gave it away?
'Cause I sort of lost my way and
got separated from the group.
Oh, no.
You're one of those freaky
vampire LARPers, right?
Wrong weekend, honey.
I don't mind at all.
I think thou art marching down
the wrong battlefield, sweetie.
Now if you'll excuse me.
If I didn't know better, Jobryeth,
I'd say you were
having fun back there.
Ooh, no I wasn't.
Okay, a little.
But you can't tell anyone.
I wouldn't even know what LARP
was if it weren't for Gunther.
He's a little hardcore with this.
Well, at least you're supporting
your boyfriend's interests.
- A lot of girls...
- Boyfriend?
God, no.
Gunther's my cousin.
He's a good kid, but he
never breaks character.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
He never breaks character?
He truly believes he's in
another time and a place.
But his folks don't let him
come to these things alone.
So you're warrior-sitting then?
Well, after the Medieval
Times incident,
I seem to be the only
one he listens to.
The Medieval Times incident?
Mom thought it would be
cute to take him there.
He jumped the wall and sent the
Red Knight to the hospital.
Sorry.
Not funny.
I've got this.
Ooh!
Um, miss.
The fuck?
Spell of protection.
It's too late.
Drop.
To the nether realms.
My lady?
Very impressive.
All I'm saying is we'll be
taken more seriously
if we refer to
ourselves as sprites.
Can we please stay in character?
You guys sound like a
bunch of little girls.
If anyone would know
about little girls...
Okay.
I tried to handle this in
private, but if you wanna
do this here and now,
standing in the woods,
dressed like fucking
fairies, so be it.
Lo, perhaps thou art
having thine monthlies.
Out of game.
Out of game? Okay.
Fine... What the
hell's your problem?
You're the one who
wanted to experiment.
Don't blame me if you can't
handle the consequences.
It was fine as long as
it was all about you,
but heaven forbid I enjoy it.
You saw her without me.
That wasn't part of the deal.
I'm heading back to camp.
Go.
Someday someone's gonna tear your heart
out and you'll know exactly how I feel.
Sprites!
Let's fly.
You look like one of those...
freaky vampire LARPers.
Maybe we should stick together.
Maybe.
As you approach the Exalted
Township of Valinore,
you notice that your own path
intersect with another .
Sir Hung, he is rustling
just across the way.
I can hear the breeze on my skin.
'Tis burnt orange.
Bad at English.
The fuck's he saying?
I don't know.
There is electricity in the air.
Okay, Ronnie, so if he goes insane,
can I inherit his experience points?
You're obsessed with
experience points.
No, let's not talk about that now.
I'm just saying, that's
a waste of experience.
I can use it.
Still thy cowardly tongue.
Oh, holy shit.
Prepare thineself
for battle, witch.
Do I know you?
All right, Hung, I don't
know what you're on,
but I think it's
clouding your judgment.
- She looks...
- Nay, game master.
The scales have finally
fallen from mine eyes.
Miss, are you okay?
Have you been in an accident?
'Tis no accident!
Go no closer!
Although I have gazed
upon thine visage before,
'tis only by the light of yon moon
hast thou true nature
revealed itself!
Okay, Hung, ease up there, buddy.
I think she really needs some help.
Excuse me, my lady, do you
really need some help?
Fuck you and the moustache
you rode in on!
Oh, fuck!
I'm... outta here.
'Tis a cruel act of the gods to
waste such a sweet backside...
on such a filthy beast.
It gets me every time.
Huh.
Come here.
The noise came from
around here somewhere.
Just keep your wits.
Oh God.
Oh lord, he's dead.
Oh shit.
What the hell?
I don't understand.
All right, we gotta keep going.
We gotta get Eric, your crazy
cousin and call the cops.
What was that?
Shit.
Joe, what are you doing?
There's someone in there.
I know, that's what
I'm worried about.
You're not gonna
sing, Joe, are you?
What?
Tell me you're not gonna sing.
Not right now, baby.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no!
Gunther!
Gunther!
Ease up!
Stay your hand, mighty warlord.
Evil has befallen him.
His handiwork is all around us.
We heard you and we thought
it might be whoever...
did this.
Where's... where's Ronnie?
Lando?
Do not enter.
One cannot cheat death forever.
This is not good.
Joe, what the fuck
is going on here?
I don't know what's going on.
But I want to talk to Ronnie.
Ronnie?
You think Ronnie is
responsible for this?
What am I supposed to think?
You guys and your quest
for authenticity.
Oh, come...
Real weapons.
In-game bullshit.
Archaic books.
Ugh, the evil book again, huh?
It would surprise me not, "vizard,"
if thou hath brought forth
something vile and unholy,
a pox upon mankind.
Gunther!
We're out of game here, man.
Somebody tell me what
the hell's going on here.
Hell, indeed, is going on.
The "vizard" has summoned evil.
And most likely while thy apprentice was
in the circle, he has been made unholy.
Gunther.
I cannot tell you whether
'twas man or beast,
but I can tell you surely
it was not Jobryeth.
We need to get out of here.
What we need to do is avenge the
poor souls taken here this eve.
With what?
Foam sticks?
Jobryeth is right.
We need weapons from my
private reserve of steel.
Thou speakests Sense.
Let us return to camp.
And arm ourselves.
While they call for help...
reinforcements.
Very well.
I am watching you.
We all feel safer for that.
Oh fuckity fuck.
Oh my... God!
Get a hold of yourself, man.
Get a hold of yourself, man!
What the fuck was that, man?
Oh my God, she was not normal!
She was like some kind
of she-beast from the...
Oh, my sweet shit.
Oh my sweet, sweet shit.
Eric, you fucking asshole.
I have to warn him.
Where the fuck am I?
They suck at making maps!
Where the hell am I!
Why is there no one here?
Shouldn't someone be here?
Come on, the best way for us to help
is to drive somewhere and get some.
That's not what was agreed upon.
We were to seek vengeance.
Where are the weapons?
Weapons are in here, okay?
Now come on, let's go.
Where the fuck is my phone?
Anyone?
Sweet Jesus, Man.
Sorry, dude.
There's some weird shit
going on out there, man.
Oh... kay.
We gotta call 9-1-1.
Do you have a cell phone?
9-1-1 is just gonna
route a cell call.
What you ought to do is call the
Sky Valley Sheriff directly.
I can get the number.
Call Sky Valley Sheriff.
Sky Valley Sheriff.
There's been an accident at
the state park campgrounds.
You gotta get here
as soon as you can.
Hold up now...
What kind of accident?
Well, there's this
LARP event going on...
Wait a minute, LARP like,
like dressed up
- like wizards and shit?
- Yeah, like that.
But this is serious.
It wasn't just one of those paintballer
pranks, people are in danger.
You stay put...
We'll be right there.
Oh, thank god.
Tommy!
Tommy, get your ass up.
We gotta get going.
Hey, Randy.
Rise and shine, buddy.
We got a cold dish of get
back that needs serving.
Get your cousin and get your gear.
Imma pick you up in 10.
Whoa, this does not look
like regulation game play.
Are you guys out of game or not?
We're so far outta game,
we're somehow back in it.
I thought you said
there were bodies.
What are you guys up to?
Where be the game master?
Where be our hordes
for glorious combat?
Everyone else completed their
mission and camped out
on the battlefield.
Are you guys gonna camp
- or just stay up all night?
- Right.
I must fight the
evil at its source!
Gunther!
You guys are on another planet.
You know drugs are
off-limit out here.
How far's the battlefield?
Ronnie Kwok's gonna hear about this.
How far!
Take it easy.
That way through the forest.
I'm out.
Great.
Now can we get the hell out of here?
You kidding?
We can't leave Gunther.
No.
Joe.
Goddamn it, Joe!
Hey, what is that?
Are they... I think they're...
...is that Eddie?
Beth?
Beth!
Holy shit, that's your
psychotic girlfriend?
Ex-girlfriend.
This is so fucked up.
Guys.
Dude, what...
Hey.
I'll tell you what I see.
Tell you what I see.
- A warrior.
- Warrior.
Who can't let go of his past.
Oh shit.
This has something to do with the
photo of me and Beth at Prom.
What?
Yeah, in the book, the
fucking eBay book, man.
What... Get the fuck out, man.
No, I had the photo with me
when you summoned this...
whatever this is with the book.
Eric, use the book to send that
bitch back wherever she came from!
I don't know how?
I just picked a page
at random earlier.
Well then, just pick another...
pick another page and
hurry the fuck up.
Sing it.
Sing it, wizard.
That was for Hung!
Take that, bitch!
That was sung by
Eric the Enchanter.
What?
You just let her get away.
Excuse me?
She just went off into the woods
to die like a wounded animal.
Gimme the book.
- Fuck!
- God.
This is the "Sigillum Aemeth. "
Where did you get this book?
Uh, why?
Shut up, never mind.
Did you read this page?
Um.
- Why?
- Did you read it?
Yes, yes... Holy fuck, yes.
We read it and it scared that
crazy chick back to hell
or wherever the fuck she came from.
If that doesn't get me to level
27, I don't know what will
Kwok, so why don't you pony up.
No, no, no, no, no, okay.
Now it makes sense.
It makes no sense.
It's gibberish...
It makes sense!
It makes sense that
you speak Enochian.
Enochian, what?
You made that up.
This is the "Sigillum Aemeth. "
It is the only one of its kind.
It was handwritten in the 16th
Century by the mystic John Dee
and it has been lost
for generations.
Uh, bullshit.
It came from the internets,
not the 16th Century.
If you're tying to get out of
admitting how awesome I am...
John Dee was tying to summon
angels, but evil travels under
its own power and he
actually summoned demons
and the demons forged this book.
What are you saying, Kwok?
Dee tried to destroy,
but he couldn't.
So he sealed it and he hid it
deep underneath his manor estate
and it has been lost
for generations.
But here it is in your incapable hands
and you summoned a succubus from hell!
And then this last passage that
you read, the herald of Abominog.
And in the language lay the
name of the hell lord Abominog
and I hath spoken the name
and hell hath raineth down.
You didn't injure it,
you ignorant fuck!
You transformed it!
Sorry.
Transformed into what exactly?
What?
What the fuck was that?
I don't know.
Ronnie Kwok's dragon!
- Fuck... Fuck!
- Shit... Shit!
Oh my God, we overslept again.
It's time for Evermore.
- Come on.
- Grab the fucking horn.
The thing eats souls, you guys.
We are gonna die.
Shit!
- Shit.
- What?
It's the horn of war.
It means that the battle of
Evermore is going to start
in 10 minutes.
Why now... It's like three
in the fucking morning.
It's not supposed to happen
for another few hours,
but Ira is a dick and did it early.
There's a LARPer
buffet on that field
and all those poor bastards
have are foam sticks.
We have to save them.
Are you fucking nuts?
No.
I think I've done
enough damage already.
You... that thing...
That's real!
That thing slaughtered
our best friend.
You gonna let that stand?
You been out here
practicing this shit
every weekend for years.
Face it, man.
You've got everything
but you earned nothing.
Are you gonna hide from that then?
The way you hide from real life?
Or are you gonna man up
and avenge the death of our friend?
The time has come to
earn our valor, people.
For Hung.
Steel thyselves, adventurers.
The time for battle is nigh.
The fate of the glorious
kingdom of Evermore
rests in the balance.
Two armies fighting for one prize...
bragging rights
on the Evermore LARP
Alliance message board.
Diamond starts speech.
He rouseth the troops.
I am well aware...
that words cannot
inspire courage...
render a timid army valiant.
And perhaps words are
unnecessary for you,
my brave lot, for there is
no timidity within you.
Oh, wow.
You know, I worked
with him last year.
He's got such a gift
for the theatrics.
Yes, he loves it.
- Oh, here goes Carey.
- Here goes.
Some of you are gentle
souls in peace,
but when that horn of battle blows,
we must disguise our fair nature...
Summon up our blood!
Draw up our most terrible aspect!
- Unleash our rage!
- Ahhh... Mother...
Fortune is on our side,
but if that fickle bitch
should prove unjust...
Then go down fighting like gods
and leave your enemies a bloody
and mournful victory
that tastes like ashes
in their mouths.
I covet only one thing.
Honor and victory!
Wait... Verily, that is two things.
Join me in coveting
those same glories.
For if it be a sin,
let us be the most
offending soul... souls alive!
They shall curse themselves
for not being here,
for not being able to
say they fought with us
upon the fields of Evermore!
Warriors are reminded
to remain honorable
in their combat.
No strikes to the codpiece.
Kwok's gonna be so
pissed he missed this.
No shit.
The horn bloweth.
The battle of Evermore has begun!
What the hell is that?
I kind... I lost the
official horn of battle.
This is the shofar
from my temple, so...
Evermore.
Charge!
Charge!
The battle is upon us.
Which army shall reap the
spoils of the conquest?
King Diamond's army
doth fight with valor
and opening a can of yon
whoop-ass upon their foes.
The king's army is
holding their ground,
matching them hit
point for hit point.
Calling Ronnie's dragon.
Get the hell out here already.
A dragon hath appeared.
A bounty of experience
points await the brave souls
who dare take on this
ferocious beast.
And please, don't be
douchelords with the wings.
The papier mch is still dying.
This is the best!
What was that?
Those fuckers didn't wait for me!
It took us two weeks
to build that thing.
What was that?
Get points, you get points.
Run, puny humans!
That's perfect, that's perfect.
- Oh, let's get them.
- Hit this one.
Yeah.
Motherfuckers.
Yeah!
Oh yeah.
I got the crip.
We're back, bitches... ha!
These people are not
part of the game.
Repeat, not part of the game!
I'm so outta here.
Guild... Stand and fight
those red of neck!
Together, attack!
Triangulate!
Not so fast, Meals on Wheels.
Oh God!
Did it see us?
I don't know.
- What was that?
- I don't know.
- What's going on?
- What the hell?
Holy shit, what is that?
Fuck, fuck!
Holy shit!
- What the fuck!
- Shit!
Oh shit!
It's some sort of giant monster.
Looks maybe like a Batsu.
I don't know.
Maybe an Otyugh.
Or a Mind Flayer it
could be a rage Gollum.
Look, it's got the deadly tentacles,
just like the monster manual.
Shit, how is this even possible?
I don't know.
Fuck this.
Fuckin' toy.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Okay.
Hold on... All right, I got a plan.
On the count of three, we're gonna
make a break for the path, all right?
One... hey, focus!
- Two.
- No, fuck this shit!
I am not moving another step until
somebody tells me what the hell...
There's something really
terrible coming, you guys,
and we're here to save... Oh shit.
Oh... sh...
Gwen, if the world isn't
swallowed up into hell...
You wanna go see a show sometime?
Nice timing, warrior.
Sure.
Yeah... Yeah, sure.
A show would be good.
No, demon!
You shall not harm
this quivering boy!
Hey!
- Thank you, mighty warrior!
- Yeah.
Hath though be Enochian?
Give us a smile, sweet cheeks.
Oh yes!
Yes!
Fuck.
God, what is that?
Ahhh... What is that sound?
She's laughing at us.
Enough, you bitch!
Fuck.
Gotta find it, fuck.
Ronnie, wh-what are you doing?
I drive a hybrid, Eric.
There's no on button in this thing.
You can speak Enochian
but can't drive a truck?
It's not my fault.
Ronnie, I can't find the
spell, where is it?
It's in the back of the book!
I marked it clearly!
It is in the back!
Fuckin' find it, find it, fuck.
Oh, hey, I got this going, guys.
This shall not hold
the beast for long!
I got it, I got it, I got it!
The gem!
The gem!
Choke on it.
No, watch out!
No!
I'm on fire!
I'm on fire!
Gwen, I need you!
You okay?
Why the fuck would you do that?
I'm gonna stop saving your lives
if you don't show me
some fucking gratitude!
Okay, okay, focus!
Where is the book that you
were just reading from?
- We need the book.
- Fuck off.
- Well... Shit!
- No.
No, that's okay... This is good.
This is the gem we were...
Okay this is...
When he read the "Sigillum",
the gem glowed,
so that is the source of the power.
So the book is like an
instruction manual?
Yes!
But it's more like
a recipe booklet.
What does thou need?
I need a banishment spell
but the book is ruined,
so we don't have one!
I'll get your book.
Guys, whatever you're
doing, do it faster!
Was it like a thing, like, uh...
I don't know, I can't remember!
There was a note key.
There was like a...
Game master!
Here be your spell!
Oh my God, fucking gambit!
It's a dead head!
What does it say?
It's hot and it's so awful.
I can't...
Calm down now.
Calm down!
Oh.
No, no, no, no, no.
Crap!
Ronnie!
It's up to you, Jobryeth.
Eric... Eric!
The gem combined with
signing, that's what makes
- the magic work, right?
- Fuck if I know, man.
Are you a wizard or not?
Yes, yes, yes.
It's definitely the catalyst.
I think this song will work...
Fire it up.
Track two.
Go.
Do you hear me hellspawn
Cast down into
thine dark crypt
Shadows of our dead minions
Drag thee into the abyss
What's he singing?
Sabbath?
Is it Motorhead?
No, that's a Dueling
Stalker original, son.
... Rises bringing
His deadliest gifts
His soul is devoured in wrath
His dreams are alive
and yet twisted
In blood red eclipse
He is reborn in the dark light
It's working... It's working!
He instigates thy doom
Raven's wings turn
the sky to black
As he makes this
world thy tomb
Lifeless husk
Breath life from you
Raise your blade
Defeat the vile
Snake your heart asunder
Raven's wings turn the sky
Finish it!
To black
As he makes this world thy tomb
A sacrifice of my soul
Before
A blazing funeral
pyre for you
Drop to the nether realms, bitch.
You have questionable taste
in women, my friend.
Apparently.
But I have excellent taste
when it comes to music.
Apparently.
You're a terrible bass player!
I know, isn't it awesome?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Come on
At the gates
Yes it's now or never
A twist of fate
I've seen the bad get badder
Sleepless nights oh
I see nightmare creatures
Don't turn away
This is your adventure
Silent hero waiting
at the gates
Alone
At the gates alone
I come alive
In the heat of battle
I do or die
Spill the blood of your enemies
Sleepless nights oh
I see ghosts and demons
Such a life
This is your adventure
Saints and sinners
waiting at the gates
Alone
At the gates alone
At the gates
Yeah
Gates
Yeah
At the gates alone
At the gates
Don't look no further
I feel the rage
And the voices burning
In your soul yeah
You're a nightmare creature
And feel the pain
As it turns to pleasure
Death and glory
waiting at the gates
Alone
At the gates alone
At the gates
Yeah
Gates
Yeah
At the gates alone
At the gates
At the gates alone
At the gates
Yeah
Gates
Yeah
At the gates
Yeah
Gates
Yeah
At the gates
the mystic John Dee
wrote the "Sigillum Aemeth",
a book of musical chants
that were meant to summon angels,
but brought forth demons instead.
Fearing the unholy power
of his dark songs,
Dee tried to destroy
the book, but failed.
Sought by sorcerers and
dark rulers for centuries,
the book had been lost...
Until now.
Bequeath protection
upon thine followers
who walketh in the footsteps
of Vinsibas Aroptum.
Vinsibas Aroptum.
And your appeasement of
the gods of Vinsibas...
Have failed.
What seven blood packs
not enough, Ronnie?
Yeah, this shit's never coming
out of my tunic, by the way.
I don't know what to
tell you guys, okay?
The appeasement...
The appeasement fails?
- It's bullshit.
- You failed, Eric.
Okay... Maybe if you made
a meaningful sacrifice.
Hey, that's bullshit, Ronnie.
What do you want from me?
We're out here in the woods
in the middle of the night.
We got our robs on...
We nailed the chant.
Come on.
We had everything the
game plan laid out.
It's time that you leveled us up.
You can't just keep failing
my appeasements forever.
- I'm sorry...
- F you, Hung.
The appeasement fails because
Eric wasn't meaning it.
- He wasn't being meaningful.
- Bullshit, Ronnie.
Shut up, Hung, I don't know
what to tell you guys.
Sometimes I don't know who's
harder to appease, Ronnie.
- The gods of Vinsibas or you.
- If you don't stop
complaining, the gods of Vinsibas are
going to curse all your characters
with a case of evil herpes!
- Bullshit!
- Eric, you failed.
- What the fuck?
- Maybe if you made
a meaningful sacrifice.
Guys, how will we taste triumph at
Evermore with this weak bullshit?
Fear not, Sir Reginald, for
I have just the magic needed.
Excuse me while I whipith this out.
What was that?
Hey, Dude, what's that?
What?
Oh shit!
That hurts.
Eat paint, haunted fuckers!
Help... Help!
This'll teach you to play your
fucking wizard game in our woods.
Yeah, run!
Run, you freaks...
And don't ever come back.
Ah!
Hey, check this shit out.
Harry Pooper dropped his book.
Yeah, tear that shit.
Come on, man...
just destroy the book.
Rip it open.
What the fuck?
Get it off... Fuck... get it off!
Fuck... Jesus motherfucker.
The book fucked up your face.
Be strong, Sir Reginald.
Be strong, I say.
Oh ma...
Fuck.
Shit!
- We gotta go back for the book.
- What book?
I brought that kickass old book
I was gonna use for my spells!
Fuck!
I must have dropped it when
those paintballers attacked us!
Shit!
- Fuck!
- Is this it?
That's it.
Whoo... Thank God.
Sorry about freaking out.
No problem.
Ronnie Kwok, he's gonna
shit when he sees that.
We'll be back, you
redneck cocksuckers.
This I vow.
Cast down divide
Dark ripped
Shadows of our dead minions
Drag me into the abyss
He is reborn in the dark light
Bleh.
He instigates thy doom
Turn off the music!
- Turn it off!
- What?
- Turn this music off!
- I can't hear you.
Joe, come on.
Come on.
You are this close.
How close?
Damn, man.
That shit is tight.
It's called "Your Heart Sucks My Soul. "
It's kind of a love song, you know?
Mm-hmm.
I wrote it as a surprise for Beth.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Listen, if that song doesn't
say love and commitment,
I don't know what does.
We need to have a talk.
I'm actually way ahead of you.
How about you, me,
dinner, tonight?
Somewhere with a tablecloth?
I got a little something
special I want to give you.
Wait.
Don't tell me it's...
Is it what I think it is?
No.
Yes.
I don't know...
What do you think it is?
Don't do anything big
involving jewelry, okay?
I mean, I need to
concentrate on my career.
It's not the right thing for
that sort of commitment.
Oh, no, no, I get it.
Whoa.
It's cool.
It's cool.
I mean, why mess with
a good thing, right?
Time out here, Joe.
You're breaking up with me.
Will you listen to me?
You have a college degree
in communications studies.
You could be doing
anything you wanted.
Hold up.
I am doing what I want.
You live in a fake castle
leeching off your accidental
millionaire loser friend playing
black metal in your bedroom.
You will never change.
Uh, it's doom metal.
Who the fuck asked you?
Well, he's right.
Gilberto, you're the fucking man.
It was black.
Then we went through
a sludge phase.
Now it's more doom.
I need to focus on my
future, my career.
It's important that I align myself
with successful people, Joe.
I'm sorry, but that's
just how it is.
Hey, dude, where's my plus-3 mace?
Am I thy weapon's keeper?
Hey, man.
Found it!
Oh, hey, dude.
You bent my mace.
That's not-that's not cool.
Sorry, man.
My mom made me this mace.
It's still fierce.
Ahh!
That's a power ballad.
What's wrong with him?
Oh.
She dumped you, didn't she?
Fuck off!
Whoa, nice shot.
So your body is already
subconsciously moving on.
I knew that this day would come.
You had a vision of her just
ripping out my heart, huh?
Yeah.
Thanks for the heads
up, mighty warlock.
I'm a 26-level wizard, buddy.
I know that you know that
and you're just tying
to be hurtful.
Fucking Beth.
Dude, look, I'm sorry for
what happened, but you two
hadn't been right for each
other for a long time.
It's only the rejection that hurts.
You'll get over that.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe...
I should be making some changes.
Maybe I should move out of here.
No, there's no need for drama.
You always have a place
here at meine castle.
I still love her.
We can't leave him like this.
I know.
I'll be fine... Just go.
Go... Kill your fake dragons.
This is awkward.
I know what you need.
Come on.
Come on!
Uh-uh.
I told you, I don't do
that shit any more.
Yeah and the reason you quit
just kicked you to the curb.
So I think it's high time that
you got back in the saddle.
It's a sativa, dude.
It'll lift your spirits
but not knock you out.
Just do it... it's nothing.
Okay.
I love you.
I love you too, Joe.
Sweet Jesus.
Wait.
Oh no.
Fuck me.
Aye, Sir Dragoroth have
been detained by Minerva.
...The sea hag.
His bewitchment by the siren's
song shall be the nail
thine army wantst,
King Diamond the Red.
We shall see.
Until Evermore.
'Til Evermore.
Eric!
Hung!
Where the fuck are we?
'Tis the kingdom of
Eliphaz, my naive friend.
You shanghaied me and dressed me.
Aye.
It just felt right.
Adventuring is exactly
what thou needst.
"Needst" is not a word.
Where we are, it is.
I'm taking this shit off.
Whoa!
Now is not the time
to lose thy nerve,
brave and scorned warrior.
Thou has been recruited to
fight in the glorious army
of Kabedrah.
The epic battle of Evermore.
Come, Sir Hung.
That looks terrible.
My three-year-old nephew
could make a better map.
He's got learning disabilities.
It'll have to do.
You, my friend, are on dragon duty.
Take these...
and make sure that
weeee are good to go.
And Dragon Rider!
Just don't fuck with my stereo.
Grass is nourished by
the blood of heroes.
Hmm?
- Are you listening?
- Yes.
Uh-huh... let's continue.
And here we have Fengyrian Falls.
Oh.
Remember, gentlemen, your
supervision of this script
and the monsters contained within
will make this event come alive.
Follow me now.
Adventures lie waiting
like sleeping dragons!
Hah?
And here we have Novum Castellum!
Ah, each band of
heroes will complete
a Class Three quest this eve.
By gathering at the
plains of Evermore,
the battle betwixt the realms
of King Diamond and Carey.
Though there will be a big
surprise in store for all.
And as game master, I will be
watching over all of this.
You can think of me as God.
Excuse me a minute.
Ah, Gwen.
Just whom I wanted to see.
I have been watching you these
long battle-swept nights
of the campaign and you
have shown your mettle.
So, verily, the time has come
for you to ascend to
the upper realms.
Oh God.
The game hasn't started
already, has it?
- No.
- We don't have to talk
in Dorkinese yet, do we?
I thought maybe you'd want to be
my assistant head game master
and you could be my right
hand, my right hand...
Ow!
Ooh.
I have an idea of
what your right hand
spends a lot of time doing, Ronnie.
That's really personal, Gwen.
Come, Gunther.
I'll take that as a no for now.
- You okay?
- Shut your mouth.
Onward.
Shut your mouth.
Where the fuck are the keys?
Two floors.
Whoa.
Hey.
Thought you guys only
used foam weapons.
In this world, young Jonen,
you can only put
your trust in steel.
My elite clientele is willing to
pay a premium for authenticity.
Where the fuck are the keys?
Come on, Joe.
You played D&D.
Live action role play
is the next level.
D&D was a long time ago.
Yeah... And you were a legend.
These people here?
They sing songs about
the time that you gave
Ronnie Kwok's paladin
demonic syphilis.
Do you remember... remember when
we caught Ronnie spanking it
to the succubus picture in
the old monster manual?
Good times, man.
Yeah, and some of us
are still having 'em.
Come on!
Eric's about to level
up to Grand Sorcerer.
I'm packing an ounce
of killer 'shrooms.
And there be monsters
in need of pummelin'!
You have a choice:
Join us in tasting the
sweet nectar of victory
or mope around an empty
house all week like a bitch.
You guys do actually
look slightly badass.
It's like a Metalwolf cover.
- Yeah.
- Without the muscles.
No.
All right.
I'm in.
Huzzah!
Please.
Don't make me rethink this.
Nah.
Welcome to the fields of Evermore!
Um, Ronnie?
Yes, Travis.
Where are our costumes?
There is no end to the
tricks up my sleeve
- Wardr'be?
- Yes, sir.
Got it... 42 regular.
42 reg... I think
you'll find it snug.
- Great.
- Freshly laundered.
I'm a trained actor, man.
Not some fucking... stunt monkey.
A weekend improv workshop, my ass.
Ungrateful.
Ah, greetings, enchanter.
I have some surprises
in store for you.
Some creatures with a taste
for flesh of the lowest order.
Hmm?
Parasites, charlatans.
War profiteers of
forbidden weaponry.
Verily, I say... let it go, dude.
Well.
Marketplace is a battlefield and
to the victor go the spoils.
Agreed.
I bring news of a legendary warrior
long absent from this realm
who returnth to replace the
estimable Sir Reginald.
The new warrior is
of course welcome.
Wonderful... Jobreyth of Revitt
shall once more fight by my side.
Joe Revitt's here...
What the frak, Eric?
- I hate that guy.
- Ronald, Ronald,
why be so petty?
I mean, surely, you're not still
sore about your syphilitic paladin.
Perhaps, the pages of
your monster manual
remain stucketh together?
For old time's sake, he's in.
But...
You must accomplish a
level 12 summoning spell
to animate Joe's character
with Reginald's life-force.
Consider it done, my liege.
Okay, that was a bit much.
Show-off.
Lo, the adventure begins!
Please report for
quest assignments.
Step forward when
your group is called.
Heed this reminder.
All guilds must
complete their quest
prior to tomorrow's
battle at Evermore.
Also, Ryan the Necromancer
beseeches thy help
in finding his inhaler.
What... Oh.
His inhaler of doom!
And to the owner of the
sperm-white Toyota Tercel,
thy chariot is blocking
the witches' coven.
Move it or you'll be faced with
a hex of great dark magic.
And you'll be towed.
It's a lot like you remember it,
except instead of
sitting around a table,
we do it for real.
For fake.
Fake-real, dude.
Don't fuck with me.
And this fake-real
involves, uh, yoga?
Laugh now, but a
structured warm-up routine
helps prevent injury later.
All right... I'll show you.
Come on.
What?
All right.
Arms and legs, one point.
Torso's two.
Limb takes a hit, it's useless
until healing's been cast.
Parry disarm can be
used once per melee
unless you're up against
a two-handed weapon.
Grab your sword, I'll demonstrate.
Finish him!
Got an idea.
How about I just forget the count
- and start wailing on people!
- Dude!
Dude!
It's honor system, Man.
Okay, you're all set
to join the battle.
I just spoke with Ronnie.
- Oh, except lose the sword.
- Huh?
Yeah, newbs don't get swords.
Um.
Wait, I have to earn the
right to carry a foam stick?
'Tis not the size of the young
knave's blade, but the lust
in his thrust by which
legends are made.
Oh!
Jobreyth!
There is one more thing
you're going to need to do.
Verily?
- This is retarded.
- Guys, pentagrams?
Man, we don't roll that
way here, all right?
This is the LARP, not the
Wicker Man Wiccan cosplay.
Nay.
'Tis in the book, dude.
Okay.
Um, Eric.
They be the rest of our
traveling companions.
Stand back and witness the
spectacle of my animation spell.
- Ready?
- Oh, for God's sake.
Ahh!
Beth?
Beth?
Ahh!
How awesome was that!
A-plus, motherfucker.
Arise, Jobreyth.
Breathe fresh the air once again.
What the fuck was that... it hurt.
Methinks you should not
be so much of a pussy.
Don't tell me you've never
played with fireworks before.
Not like that.
What was with the faces,
the smells, everything?
What was that?
I tell you what I see.
A warrior...
who can't let go of his past.
What are you doing?
Wow.
What was that?
Ex-girlfriend!
Jobryeth needeth closure!
It's not like that.
'Tis no matter to me, apprentice.
What the shit is going on?
Why is there smoke?
Eric, I said a basic summoning
spell, not one of your
non-regulation
pyrotechnic displays.
This was more befitting
a 27th level sorcerer.
Which you are not yet.
What's up, Joe?
Needst I remindst thou
the Temple of Syrinx awaits.
Don't be a buzzkill, Ronnie.
Ah.
Come, Gunther.
Buzzkill
What?
Buzzkill
How you doing there, Captain Trips?
Verily.
There be a fungus among us.
Is it your fungus
that's fucking with me?
'Cause if you did slip me some
'shrooms, why's it feel like
I got bent over and taken
advantage of back there?
Perhaps thine reach exceeds
thy grasp, "vizard".
So who are our comrades, Enchanter?
Right.
That be Lando, the pious.
Watch him in battle...
Complete weasel,
but entertaining.
You'll see.
Sir Gunther, the mighty.
Head case with a big stick.
He is unique and crazy.
And...
And Guinevere the fearless,
who's plus-three ass perfection
should keep the memory
of She Who Shall Not
Be Mentioned at bay.
Plus-three?
Clearly you underestimate
my endowments.
Look, your party has
disturbed a nest!
Demon apes!
What the fuck?
Play on!
One of the beasts deals Sir Hung
the Glutinous a stunning blow!
Haha!
Great way to spend the weekend.
Sweating my balls off
in a monkey outfit.
I don't know where the hell I am.
Wha...
Who's there?
Hello, apelings?
- Dude... Joe! Little help here.
- Huh?
Help us kill some freaking apes!
You here for the LARP?
The live, the LARP?
Do you maybe have a map?
Oh, wow.
'Cause I, um... I sort
of lost my way.
Got separated from the group.
Oh... kay.
Jobryeth!
Gonna... kill... your...
monkey... asses!
Jobryeth takes a lethal
strike to the back!
Huh?
- Bullshit... 'Tis a lie!
- Halt!
Game master saw a palpable
hit and an unconscious man
throwing weaponry... weaponry
that is beyond the expertise
of your lowly character.
I don't understand what you
said, but I'm gonna sit down.
Three, two, one, play on!
Got separated from my group.
You too?
Uh, well, maybe then we should
stick together and both look.
Oh.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
If this is some sort of Fury
fetish, then I don't mind at all!
Oh wow!
Oh wow!
Oh, okay, sure.
From the ground,
thy wounds be bound.
Regeneration spell successful!
Still thy tongue lest I remove it!
Lightning bolt!
Lightning bolt!
You my bitch... Ow!
Same side, same side!
Be gone, demon apes!
Oh shit.
Damn.
Lando has been dealt
a mortal blow.
'Tis a lie... I had a spell
of simian protection up.
Fine, kill the brown guy first.
The great ape has been vanquished!
Huzzah!
Yeah.
Now remember, before
convening at the battle,
this party has a quest to
loot the temple of Syrinx
which needeth completion, so...
Perhaps the party should split
up for to cover more ground.
Capital idea, Sir Lando.
Take Sir Hung the Capable
and explore yon forest
for the fabled temple.
Verily... We shall meet thee
at Evermore if not before.
Godspeed to you and thine servant.
Servant?
I'm an apprentice.
Fucketh you very much.
Easy.
I beseech thee to give him
wide berth as he is pained
by a riven heart torn asunder
by the cruelty of an untrue maiden.
Enough with that shit, please.
Easy, my liege.
I told these guys
that thou were cool.
Ah, at last.
The simpletons and heretics
have left our brotherhood.
However, it occureth to
me that mine apprentice
has forgotten something.
Yo?
Thou must return to the
kingdom of Eliphaz.
- Uh...
- Parking lot.
Parking lot.
And fetch the amulet of
Kokun from our transport,
for it shall be needed at
the battle of Evermore.
So go to the parking lot to
get something you forgot.
Aye.
I shall join you on your mission.
The forest is no place for
an unarmed adventurer.
Let's go.
Act... It's this way.
Yes.
Hey, man.
Attention all teams.
Upon completion of your quests,
you may head to the battlefield
to prepare your camp for the night.
But as always, be on guard
for the evil scourge
from beyond our borders.
You know, those redneck
paintball jerks who crashed
our centaur hunt last week.
Prithee, take care.
Is that you, fellow
denizens of Elves' realms?
Speakers of Elvish?
Um, do you have a map maybe?
Do I know you?
Are you here for the LARP?
Was it the robes or the pointy
ears that gave it away?
'Cause I sort of lost my way and
got separated from the group.
Oh, no.
You're one of those freaky
vampire LARPers, right?
Wrong weekend, honey.
I don't mind at all.
I think thou art marching down
the wrong battlefield, sweetie.
Now if you'll excuse me.
If I didn't know better, Jobryeth,
I'd say you were
having fun back there.
Ooh, no I wasn't.
Okay, a little.
But you can't tell anyone.
I wouldn't even know what LARP
was if it weren't for Gunther.
He's a little hardcore with this.
Well, at least you're supporting
your boyfriend's interests.
- A lot of girls...
- Boyfriend?
God, no.
Gunther's my cousin.
He's a good kid, but he
never breaks character.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
He never breaks character?
He truly believes he's in
another time and a place.
But his folks don't let him
come to these things alone.
So you're warrior-sitting then?
Well, after the Medieval
Times incident,
I seem to be the only
one he listens to.
The Medieval Times incident?
Mom thought it would be
cute to take him there.
He jumped the wall and sent the
Red Knight to the hospital.
Sorry.
Not funny.
I've got this.
Ooh!
Um, miss.
The fuck?
Spell of protection.
It's too late.
Drop.
To the nether realms.
My lady?
Very impressive.
All I'm saying is we'll be
taken more seriously
if we refer to
ourselves as sprites.
Can we please stay in character?
You guys sound like a
bunch of little girls.
If anyone would know
about little girls...
Okay.
I tried to handle this in
private, but if you wanna
do this here and now,
standing in the woods,
dressed like fucking
fairies, so be it.
Lo, perhaps thou art
having thine monthlies.
Out of game.
Out of game? Okay.
Fine... What the
hell's your problem?
You're the one who
wanted to experiment.
Don't blame me if you can't
handle the consequences.
It was fine as long as
it was all about you,
but heaven forbid I enjoy it.
You saw her without me.
That wasn't part of the deal.
I'm heading back to camp.
Go.
Someday someone's gonna tear your heart
out and you'll know exactly how I feel.
Sprites!
Let's fly.
You look like one of those...
freaky vampire LARPers.
Maybe we should stick together.
Maybe.
As you approach the Exalted
Township of Valinore,
you notice that your own path
intersect with another .
Sir Hung, he is rustling
just across the way.
I can hear the breeze on my skin.
'Tis burnt orange.
Bad at English.
The fuck's he saying?
I don't know.
There is electricity in the air.
Okay, Ronnie, so if he goes insane,
can I inherit his experience points?
You're obsessed with
experience points.
No, let's not talk about that now.
I'm just saying, that's
a waste of experience.
I can use it.
Still thy cowardly tongue.
Oh, holy shit.
Prepare thineself
for battle, witch.
Do I know you?
All right, Hung, I don't
know what you're on,
but I think it's
clouding your judgment.
- She looks...
- Nay, game master.
The scales have finally
fallen from mine eyes.
Miss, are you okay?
Have you been in an accident?
'Tis no accident!
Go no closer!
Although I have gazed
upon thine visage before,
'tis only by the light of yon moon
hast thou true nature
revealed itself!
Okay, Hung, ease up there, buddy.
I think she really needs some help.
Excuse me, my lady, do you
really need some help?
Fuck you and the moustache
you rode in on!
Oh, fuck!
I'm... outta here.
'Tis a cruel act of the gods to
waste such a sweet backside...
on such a filthy beast.
It gets me every time.
Huh.
Come here.
The noise came from
around here somewhere.
Just keep your wits.
Oh God.
Oh lord, he's dead.
Oh shit.
What the hell?
I don't understand.
All right, we gotta keep going.
We gotta get Eric, your crazy
cousin and call the cops.
What was that?
Shit.
Joe, what are you doing?
There's someone in there.
I know, that's what
I'm worried about.
You're not gonna
sing, Joe, are you?
What?
Tell me you're not gonna sing.
Not right now, baby.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no!
Gunther!
Gunther!
Ease up!
Stay your hand, mighty warlord.
Evil has befallen him.
His handiwork is all around us.
We heard you and we thought
it might be whoever...
did this.
Where's... where's Ronnie?
Lando?
Do not enter.
One cannot cheat death forever.
This is not good.
Joe, what the fuck
is going on here?
I don't know what's going on.
But I want to talk to Ronnie.
Ronnie?
You think Ronnie is
responsible for this?
What am I supposed to think?
You guys and your quest
for authenticity.
Oh, come...
Real weapons.
In-game bullshit.
Archaic books.
Ugh, the evil book again, huh?
It would surprise me not, "vizard,"
if thou hath brought forth
something vile and unholy,
a pox upon mankind.
Gunther!
We're out of game here, man.
Somebody tell me what
the hell's going on here.
Hell, indeed, is going on.
The "vizard" has summoned evil.
And most likely while thy apprentice was
in the circle, he has been made unholy.
Gunther.
I cannot tell you whether
'twas man or beast,
but I can tell you surely
it was not Jobryeth.
We need to get out of here.
What we need to do is avenge the
poor souls taken here this eve.
With what?
Foam sticks?
Jobryeth is right.
We need weapons from my
private reserve of steel.
Thou speakests Sense.
Let us return to camp.
And arm ourselves.
While they call for help...
reinforcements.
Very well.
I am watching you.
We all feel safer for that.
Oh fuckity fuck.
Oh my... God!
Get a hold of yourself, man.
Get a hold of yourself, man!
What the fuck was that, man?
Oh my God, she was not normal!
She was like some kind
of she-beast from the...
Oh, my sweet shit.
Oh my sweet, sweet shit.
Eric, you fucking asshole.
I have to warn him.
Where the fuck am I?
They suck at making maps!
Where the hell am I!
Why is there no one here?
Shouldn't someone be here?
Come on, the best way for us to help
is to drive somewhere and get some.
That's not what was agreed upon.
We were to seek vengeance.
Where are the weapons?
Weapons are in here, okay?
Now come on, let's go.
Where the fuck is my phone?
Anyone?
Sweet Jesus, Man.
Sorry, dude.
There's some weird shit
going on out there, man.
Oh... kay.
We gotta call 9-1-1.
Do you have a cell phone?
9-1-1 is just gonna
route a cell call.
What you ought to do is call the
Sky Valley Sheriff directly.
I can get the number.
Call Sky Valley Sheriff.
Sky Valley Sheriff.
There's been an accident at
the state park campgrounds.
You gotta get here
as soon as you can.
Hold up now...
What kind of accident?
Well, there's this
LARP event going on...
Wait a minute, LARP like,
like dressed up
- like wizards and shit?
- Yeah, like that.
But this is serious.
It wasn't just one of those paintballer
pranks, people are in danger.
You stay put...
We'll be right there.
Oh, thank god.
Tommy!
Tommy, get your ass up.
We gotta get going.
Hey, Randy.
Rise and shine, buddy.
We got a cold dish of get
back that needs serving.
Get your cousin and get your gear.
Imma pick you up in 10.
Whoa, this does not look
like regulation game play.
Are you guys out of game or not?
We're so far outta game,
we're somehow back in it.
I thought you said
there were bodies.
What are you guys up to?
Where be the game master?
Where be our hordes
for glorious combat?
Everyone else completed their
mission and camped out
on the battlefield.
Are you guys gonna camp
- or just stay up all night?
- Right.
I must fight the
evil at its source!
Gunther!
You guys are on another planet.
You know drugs are
off-limit out here.
How far's the battlefield?
Ronnie Kwok's gonna hear about this.
How far!
Take it easy.
That way through the forest.
I'm out.
Great.
Now can we get the hell out of here?
You kidding?
We can't leave Gunther.
No.
Joe.
Goddamn it, Joe!
Hey, what is that?
Are they... I think they're...
...is that Eddie?
Beth?
Beth!
Holy shit, that's your
psychotic girlfriend?
Ex-girlfriend.
This is so fucked up.
Guys.
Dude, what...
Hey.
I'll tell you what I see.
Tell you what I see.
- A warrior.
- Warrior.
Who can't let go of his past.
Oh shit.
This has something to do with the
photo of me and Beth at Prom.
What?
Yeah, in the book, the
fucking eBay book, man.
What... Get the fuck out, man.
No, I had the photo with me
when you summoned this...
whatever this is with the book.
Eric, use the book to send that
bitch back wherever she came from!
I don't know how?
I just picked a page
at random earlier.
Well then, just pick another...
pick another page and
hurry the fuck up.
Sing it.
Sing it, wizard.
That was for Hung!
Take that, bitch!
That was sung by
Eric the Enchanter.
What?
You just let her get away.
Excuse me?
She just went off into the woods
to die like a wounded animal.
Gimme the book.
- Fuck!
- God.
This is the "Sigillum Aemeth. "
Where did you get this book?
Uh, why?
Shut up, never mind.
Did you read this page?
Um.
- Why?
- Did you read it?
Yes, yes... Holy fuck, yes.
We read it and it scared that
crazy chick back to hell
or wherever the fuck she came from.
If that doesn't get me to level
27, I don't know what will
Kwok, so why don't you pony up.
No, no, no, no, no, okay.
Now it makes sense.
It makes no sense.
It's gibberish...
It makes sense!
It makes sense that
you speak Enochian.
Enochian, what?
You made that up.
This is the "Sigillum Aemeth. "
It is the only one of its kind.
It was handwritten in the 16th
Century by the mystic John Dee
and it has been lost
for generations.
Uh, bullshit.
It came from the internets,
not the 16th Century.
If you're tying to get out of
admitting how awesome I am...
John Dee was tying to summon
angels, but evil travels under
its own power and he
actually summoned demons
and the demons forged this book.
What are you saying, Kwok?
Dee tried to destroy,
but he couldn't.
So he sealed it and he hid it
deep underneath his manor estate
and it has been lost
for generations.
But here it is in your incapable hands
and you summoned a succubus from hell!
And then this last passage that
you read, the herald of Abominog.
And in the language lay the
name of the hell lord Abominog
and I hath spoken the name
and hell hath raineth down.
You didn't injure it,
you ignorant fuck!
You transformed it!
Sorry.
Transformed into what exactly?
What?
What the fuck was that?
I don't know.
Ronnie Kwok's dragon!
- Fuck... Fuck!
- Shit... Shit!
Oh my God, we overslept again.
It's time for Evermore.
- Come on.
- Grab the fucking horn.
The thing eats souls, you guys.
We are gonna die.
Shit!
- Shit.
- What?
It's the horn of war.
It means that the battle of
Evermore is going to start
in 10 minutes.
Why now... It's like three
in the fucking morning.
It's not supposed to happen
for another few hours,
but Ira is a dick and did it early.
There's a LARPer
buffet on that field
and all those poor bastards
have are foam sticks.
We have to save them.
Are you fucking nuts?
No.
I think I've done
enough damage already.
You... that thing...
That's real!
That thing slaughtered
our best friend.
You gonna let that stand?
You been out here
practicing this shit
every weekend for years.
Face it, man.
You've got everything
but you earned nothing.
Are you gonna hide from that then?
The way you hide from real life?
Or are you gonna man up
and avenge the death of our friend?
The time has come to
earn our valor, people.
For Hung.
Steel thyselves, adventurers.
The time for battle is nigh.
The fate of the glorious
kingdom of Evermore
rests in the balance.
Two armies fighting for one prize...
bragging rights
on the Evermore LARP
Alliance message board.
Diamond starts speech.
He rouseth the troops.
I am well aware...
that words cannot
inspire courage...
render a timid army valiant.
And perhaps words are
unnecessary for you,
my brave lot, for there is
no timidity within you.
Oh, wow.
You know, I worked
with him last year.
He's got such a gift
for the theatrics.
Yes, he loves it.
- Oh, here goes Carey.
- Here goes.
Some of you are gentle
souls in peace,
but when that horn of battle blows,
we must disguise our fair nature...
Summon up our blood!
Draw up our most terrible aspect!
- Unleash our rage!
- Ahhh... Mother...
Fortune is on our side,
but if that fickle bitch
should prove unjust...
Then go down fighting like gods
and leave your enemies a bloody
and mournful victory
that tastes like ashes
in their mouths.
I covet only one thing.
Honor and victory!
Wait... Verily, that is two things.
Join me in coveting
those same glories.
For if it be a sin,
let us be the most
offending soul... souls alive!
They shall curse themselves
for not being here,
for not being able to
say they fought with us
upon the fields of Evermore!
Warriors are reminded
to remain honorable
in their combat.
No strikes to the codpiece.
Kwok's gonna be so
pissed he missed this.
No shit.
The horn bloweth.
The battle of Evermore has begun!
What the hell is that?
I kind... I lost the
official horn of battle.
This is the shofar
from my temple, so...
Evermore.
Charge!
Charge!
The battle is upon us.
Which army shall reap the
spoils of the conquest?
King Diamond's army
doth fight with valor
and opening a can of yon
whoop-ass upon their foes.
The king's army is
holding their ground,
matching them hit
point for hit point.
Calling Ronnie's dragon.
Get the hell out here already.
A dragon hath appeared.
A bounty of experience
points await the brave souls
who dare take on this
ferocious beast.
And please, don't be
douchelords with the wings.
The papier mch is still dying.
This is the best!
What was that?
Those fuckers didn't wait for me!
It took us two weeks
to build that thing.
What was that?
Get points, you get points.
Run, puny humans!
That's perfect, that's perfect.
- Oh, let's get them.
- Hit this one.
Yeah.
Motherfuckers.
Yeah!
Oh yeah.
I got the crip.
We're back, bitches... ha!
These people are not
part of the game.
Repeat, not part of the game!
I'm so outta here.
Guild... Stand and fight
those red of neck!
Together, attack!
Triangulate!
Not so fast, Meals on Wheels.
Oh God!
Did it see us?
I don't know.
- What was that?
- I don't know.
- What's going on?
- What the hell?
Holy shit, what is that?
Fuck, fuck!
Holy shit!
- What the fuck!
- Shit!
Oh shit!
It's some sort of giant monster.
Looks maybe like a Batsu.
I don't know.
Maybe an Otyugh.
Or a Mind Flayer it
could be a rage Gollum.
Look, it's got the deadly tentacles,
just like the monster manual.
Shit, how is this even possible?
I don't know.
Fuck this.
Fuckin' toy.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Okay.
Hold on... All right, I got a plan.
On the count of three, we're gonna
make a break for the path, all right?
One... hey, focus!
- Two.
- No, fuck this shit!
I am not moving another step until
somebody tells me what the hell...
There's something really
terrible coming, you guys,
and we're here to save... Oh shit.
Oh... sh...
Gwen, if the world isn't
swallowed up into hell...
You wanna go see a show sometime?
Nice timing, warrior.
Sure.
Yeah... Yeah, sure.
A show would be good.
No, demon!
You shall not harm
this quivering boy!
Hey!
- Thank you, mighty warrior!
- Yeah.
Hath though be Enochian?
Give us a smile, sweet cheeks.
Oh yes!
Yes!
Fuck.
God, what is that?
Ahhh... What is that sound?
She's laughing at us.
Enough, you bitch!
Fuck.
Gotta find it, fuck.
Ronnie, wh-what are you doing?
I drive a hybrid, Eric.
There's no on button in this thing.
You can speak Enochian
but can't drive a truck?
It's not my fault.
Ronnie, I can't find the
spell, where is it?
It's in the back of the book!
I marked it clearly!
It is in the back!
Fuckin' find it, find it, fuck.
Oh, hey, I got this going, guys.
This shall not hold
the beast for long!
I got it, I got it, I got it!
The gem!
The gem!
Choke on it.
No, watch out!
No!
I'm on fire!
I'm on fire!
Gwen, I need you!
You okay?
Why the fuck would you do that?
I'm gonna stop saving your lives
if you don't show me
some fucking gratitude!
Okay, okay, focus!
Where is the book that you
were just reading from?
- We need the book.
- Fuck off.
- Well... Shit!
- No.
No, that's okay... This is good.
This is the gem we were...
Okay this is...
When he read the "Sigillum",
the gem glowed,
so that is the source of the power.
So the book is like an
instruction manual?
Yes!
But it's more like
a recipe booklet.
What does thou need?
I need a banishment spell
but the book is ruined,
so we don't have one!
I'll get your book.
Guys, whatever you're
doing, do it faster!
Was it like a thing, like, uh...
I don't know, I can't remember!
There was a note key.
There was like a...
Game master!
Here be your spell!
Oh my God, fucking gambit!
It's a dead head!
What does it say?
It's hot and it's so awful.
I can't...
Calm down now.
Calm down!
Oh.
No, no, no, no, no.
Crap!
Ronnie!
It's up to you, Jobryeth.
Eric... Eric!
The gem combined with
signing, that's what makes
- the magic work, right?
- Fuck if I know, man.
Are you a wizard or not?
Yes, yes, yes.
It's definitely the catalyst.
I think this song will work...
Fire it up.
Track two.
Go.
Do you hear me hellspawn
Cast down into
thine dark crypt
Shadows of our dead minions
Drag thee into the abyss
What's he singing?
Sabbath?
Is it Motorhead?
No, that's a Dueling
Stalker original, son.
... Rises bringing
His deadliest gifts
His soul is devoured in wrath
His dreams are alive
and yet twisted
In blood red eclipse
He is reborn in the dark light
It's working... It's working!
He instigates thy doom
Raven's wings turn
the sky to black
As he makes this
world thy tomb
Lifeless husk
Breath life from you
Raise your blade
Defeat the vile
Snake your heart asunder
Raven's wings turn the sky
Finish it!
To black
As he makes this world thy tomb
A sacrifice of my soul
Before
A blazing funeral
pyre for you
Drop to the nether realms, bitch.
You have questionable taste
in women, my friend.
Apparently.
But I have excellent taste
when it comes to music.
Apparently.
You're a terrible bass player!
I know, isn't it awesome?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Come on
At the gates
Yes it's now or never
A twist of fate
I've seen the bad get badder
Sleepless nights oh
I see nightmare creatures
Don't turn away
This is your adventure
Silent hero waiting
at the gates
Alone
At the gates alone
I come alive
In the heat of battle
I do or die
Spill the blood of your enemies
Sleepless nights oh
I see ghosts and demons
Such a life
This is your adventure
Saints and sinners
waiting at the gates
Alone
At the gates alone
At the gates
Yeah
Gates
Yeah
At the gates alone
At the gates
Don't look no further
I feel the rage
And the voices burning
In your soul yeah
You're a nightmare creature
And feel the pain
As it turns to pleasure
Death and glory
waiting at the gates
Alone
At the gates alone
At the gates
Yeah
Gates
Yeah
At the gates alone
At the gates
At the gates alone
At the gates
Yeah
Gates
Yeah
At the gates
Yeah
Gates
Yeah
At the gates