Knots (2004) Movie Script

Thank God.
So, you know,
there's all this...
excitement, you know.
lt's a new beginning, you know.
l mean, there's this place
where the two of you...
are blissfully going to spend
the rest of your lives.
And then you pay
the movers way too much.
You know, and you look around,
suddenly you realize...
that this place is not as big
or as bright or as clean...
as you thought.
And it's not a new beginning.
lt's just the same shit
in a different location.
Actually it's worse...
because now you
got to clean it all up...
and make this blank,
cluttered place into a home.
Do you know what l mean?
l'm sorry.
Did you say something?
l was zoning out
there a little bit.
Fuck you.
Expecting someone?
Jake's coming by.
ls he still pissed?
About Andrea?
l don't know.
Hey. Jake, you remember Cal.
Last time l saw him,
he fucked my date.
He's still pissed.
lt was only three
fucking weeks ago.
And l was crazy about her.
l thought she could
have been the one.
Oh, you poor dumb bastard.
Excuse me?
She fucked me on your date.
She could have been the one?
Plus she used too much teeth
when she was giving head...
wouldn't dream of letting me
come on her face.
So unless our standards
are drastically different
from one another, l'd say
l did you a favor, pal.
l'll buy you a drink.
Yeah. That'll make us even.
Grab me a whisky,
will you, and...
All right.
l'm taking off.
l'll call you.
You got a hot date
with Andrea?
Be good, Jake.
Seriously, he has a hot date
with Andrea, doesn't he?
Fucking funny.
Fucking funny.
Doesn't he have a girlfriend?
For, like, five years now.
And he gets more ass
than a toilet seat.
l got to take a piss.
Oh, Jesus.
-l got this.
You don't get a lot
of pussy, do you?
No. l'm married.
What's one got to do
with the other?
l take it you're not.
l don't feel the need
to adhere to the conventions...
of modern society.
l don't know what that means.
lt means l like
to keep my options open.
Hey, who doesn't?
Who's your friend?
This is Jake.
He's single.
He says that like
it's a condition.
Oh, this is, uh...
Lily, do you want
to have dinner with me?
l don't think so.
Why not?
l just met you.
But l could be a chaperon.
l guarantee a good time.
What about your wife?
l'll take her with us.
We'll make a whole
big night out of it.
Call me.
And it was very nice
to meet you, Jake, Dave.
Thank you.
Oh, my God. That was
the easiest date l ever got.
This is going to be great.
There we go.
l don't get no pussy?
What are you talking about?
l get pussy.
l get lots of pussy.
How are you doing?
You finished up in the bedroom?
Not yet.
You've been in there
for, like, two hours.
Well, there's just
too much stuff.
l can't handle it right now.
You know, the dining room table
is coming in on Tuesday.
We decided we were going
to be unpacked by then.
No, you decided.
Have you noticed that the
molding is coming off here?
Was it like that
when we bought the place?
Are you sure, or are you
just saying that?
l'm thinking of taking
a class at The New School.
l thought you signed up
for that pottery class...
and the salsa lessons.
l don't know.
l just...
l just need to do something.
Why don't you clear your deck
for Thursday night?
Why? What are we doing?
Well, l promised Jake
that we would, you know...
go out with him and a date.
Who is she?
Just some girl.
Here l am, in court
as lead defense counsel...
for the first time and l'm
going down in flames...
because l can't settle
this stupid case...
that shouldn't have
even made it to court...
but the judge at
the preliminary hearing...
was a jackass.
Our legal system at work, right?
This guy gets his bumper
tapped by a garbage truck...
and he's suing the company
for 1 2 million dollars.
l hate stuff like that.
So, they get him
up on the stand...
and he's telling
the jury up and down...
all this pain and suffering
he's had to endure...
and l notice that
despite this enormous...
uncomfortable collar
he's got on his neck...
he's checking me out.
He's checking you out?
Can you blame him?
She's a beautiful woman.
You are a very beautiful woman.
And you're sweet.
Anyway, that's when l decided,
l'm gonna get the fucker.
So what did you do?
So, l asked for recess...
l made a couple
of adjustments...
we go back,
the guy takes the stand...
two seconds into
his lawyer's redirect...
damn if the guy didn't
jerk his head my way...
and that's when l stood up
and l shouted...
''Your Honor,
this man's neck is fine!''
How'd you make him look?
Well, see, during the recess...
l took the liberty
of removing my panties...
and when he got
back up on the stand...
it was just a matter of
spreading my thighs just so.
So you pulled a Sharon Stone.
From the movie,
''Basic lnstinct,'' with the...
l never saw that.
Anyway, the case
got thrown out of court...
right then and there.
You're a very good lawyer.
Hey, l'm all about justice. did
the two of you meet?
This is a funny story.
What happened was that--
-Dave introduced us.
Yeah. Yeah.
We were at Mod...
and Jake went
into the bathroom...
and then he came out
of the bathroom...
and l hooked them up.
By the way,
l love your blouse.
Thank you.
Barney's Warehouse.
That color really
brings out your eyes.
Thank you very much.
lt's great.
Thank you.
So how long have
you been married?
Two years.
Any kids?
Not yet, but l'd like to.
l want children.
What about Dave?
Well, he worries.
About what?
That's not true.
He's afraid our child
will have a fecal fetish.
What? l didn't say that.
-Yes, you did.
-No, l didn't.
l didn't say fecal fetish.
l said weird, stupid, like...
Well, having kids
is a big step...
and maybe Dave just
wants to have his fun.
l like having fun.
l like having fun, too.
Maybe we should
go out together...
you and l, sometime?
Girls night out?
You and me?
Yeah. Sure.
That would be terrific.
That's a great idea.
Yeah, great.
l don't understand why
you had to say that stuff.
l don't know why you're making
such a big deal about it.
Because l don't know
why everybody needs to know...
our personal business,
that's why.
We were all sharing.
All sharing? That's what
you call that, sharing?
The two of you seemed
to hit it off just fine.
You didn't tell me you
introduced the two of them.
lt was just one of those things.
She's very attractive.
Yeah. l mean...
l guess so.
What, you don't think
she's a beautiful woman?
Yeah, of course.
Not like you,
if that's what you mean.
l wasn't asking
for validation, Dave.
Why do guys always think...
they have to protect
a woman's ego?
What do you want me to say,
that l want to do her?
Well, do you?
No. No, of course not.
How could you say that?
l just want you
to know that it's OK...
if you think she's attractive.
She's gorgeous.
Then what's she doing with Jake?
Thank you.
Oh, l'm sorry. Please.
Well, that was fun tonight.
Yeah, definitely.
Dave and Greta, they're great.
Yeah. She's a doll.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.
Jake, l think
you're a terrific guy...
and l like you.
l really do.
l like you, too.
But not in a sexual way.
Listen, l think you're smart
and you're funny...
and you're not
a bad-looking guy...
but you just don't
have your fuck on.
My what?
Do you just want to fuck?
Because we can, if you want.
We can just go
in a bedroom...
and take our clothes off,
and hell, you know what?
We might not even
make it that far.
You can just bend me over
the couch right here...
and hike up my skirt
and rip off my panties...
grab me by the hair,
and fuck me like an animal...
and you will really
enjoy yourself.
But l won't.
ls that what you want?
Cool. Want to watch the game?
ls that good?
You'll smash my head.
Could you move a little bit,
a little bit to the right?
-How's that?
Slower. Slow.
ls that good?
Now a little to the left.
How's this?
That's good.
Move your arm.
Here. ls this better?
What's wrong with you?
Well, you seem to
just want to lie here...
and orchestrate
my entire performance.
l mean, l'd like to have...
a little creative
freedom, you know?
l'm sorry. l just...
l guess l'm just tired.
Do you want to stop?
No, no. l want to.
But here.
ls that OK?
lt's good.
When you do it with Emily,
is it good?
What? Yeah,
it's great. Why?
Well, lately...
when Greta and l do it...
it's kind of dull.
Well, how often
are you doing it?
l don't know.
A little less than
average, l guess.
l think your idea of average
is different than mine.
Well, maybe once a month.
Once a month? Are you
fucking kidding me?
lt's a little slow
right now. Big deal.
This is a big deal.
This is a huge fucking deal.
lt's a down cycle or something.
Once a month is reserved
for unpleasant things...
like her period or rent.
Banging your wife should not
go into that category.
We've been together
a while, you know.
lt's hard to keep things fresh.
Why do you think
l fuck around so much?
What are you talking about?
lnfidelity is the truth serum
to any relationship.
Whenever l fuck another girl,
it's not as good as Emily.
l can cross one name
off the list...
and know Emily
really is the one.
So what you're saying is that
cheating on your girlfriend...
makes your relationship
Plus, the best sex
l ever have with Emily...
is right after
l fuck someone else.
Let me tell you about it.
l can't do what you do.
We're different.
For starters, l'm human.
That doesn't mean
you have to be miserable.
l'm not miserable, l'm married.
There's a difference.
Greta, l thought
you were going to un--
Dave! l...
l thought...
l thought you were
working late tonight.
l got most of it done.
Hey, Dave.
Dave, l'm sorry.
Well, l don't think that's
really going to cover it.
Look, l told you l didn't
want to go on that double date.
lf l knew it was going to
turn you into a lesbian...
l wouldn't have made you go.
We went for drinks, and...
And what?
You started having sex?
l mean, where the fuck
did you go, Plato's Retreat?
l'm having an identity crisis.
Wait. What does that mean?
What does that mean?
Are you OK?
l just threw up.
You threw up?
Cal, give the guy a break.
He just found his wife
in bed with another woman.
What were they doing?
Were they, you know,
actually fucking?
l don't know.
They were in bed...naked.
Tell me about it.
l don't believe it.
lt's not like
it's the first time...
someone fucked my date.
Get over it.
l'm just saying
l don't like...
the pattern that's
developing here--
everyone fucking
my dates but me.
Also, l think l'm a little
to blame for this.
Because if l'd had sex
with Lily...
maybe she wouldn't
have been so eager...
to have sex with Greta.
l think that would
make her more eager.
What is it, do you just
enjoy being an asshole?
Do you just enjoy
being a prick?
l'm not a prick.
And you know what?
Did l tell you
you could smoke in my house?
What, l can't smoke
in here now?
No, you cannot
smoke in my house--
All right,
l'm putting it out.
There is a situation here.
l'm sorry. Sorry.
So, what are you going to do?
l don't know.
Well, have you thought about...
incorporating this
into your love life?
You know, talk about
jazzing things up a little bit.
This is not a porn movie.
This is my life.
Yeah, but at this
moment, excuse me...
your life sounds
like a porn movie.
Look at it as a bright side.
A bright side?
Yeah. You guys have to think
outside the box...
so to speak.
Look, it's just a phase.
l mean, she's been acting
a little weird lately...
and this is just part of it.
lt's a phase.
Absolutely. A phase.
Yeah. l mean, come on.
She's not a...come on.
A lesbian?
lf you want, you can stay here.
You can have my spare bedroom.
Stay as long as you want.
That sounds great.
So we smoke a J, right?
Next thing l know...
l'm doing these hot set
of nudes with her...
tasteful stuff, you know.
Well, mostly tasteful stuff.
Anyway, agent calls me...
all pissed off,
like, you know...
''What are you doing, dude?
She's only 18.''
l'm, like, ''Guy, l'm an artist,
you know. Back off.''
What are you doing?
What's the matter with you?
l'm not up for this.
You know what
you need to do?
You need to go out...
and you need to date
a little bit.
l don't want to date.
That's why l got married
in the first place.
Listen to me.
This is an unbelievable rap.
What are you talking about?
You're a dude who's been
brokenhearted by his wife...
who's become a lesbian.
She's not a lesbian.
l know she's not a lesbian...
but they don't
need to know that.
Appeal to the Florence
Henderson in them.
Let them nurse you
back to health.
Florence Nightingale.
What did l say?
Forget it.
Look, there are
plenty of hot chicks...
in this town, all right?
Here. Perfect example.
Look at that girl right there.
Ask her out. Hello!
This is my friend Dave.
Fuck her. l'm having
a party tonight.
There's going to be
plenty of tail there.
Just make sure you're there.
Heads up.
Sorry. l'm sorry.
Jesus Christ! l think
you broke my nose!
-l thought you were looking.
-l was looking at the girl!
You'll be all right.
Just be at my house
at 10:00 tonight.
Might want to get
some ice on that.
Yeah. Thanks.
l thought you were looking.
Fucking retard.
Glad you could make it.
Hi, Cal.
Miss Samantha.
Good. Good.
Sorry about that.
You all right?
Yeah, l'm fine.
Whoa, man, whoa.
That's my ass. That's my ass.
Come on in.
l got a surprise for you.
Come on.
Come here.
Girls, l'd like you
to meet my friend Dave.
Dave, this is
Molly and Annette.
-Actually, l'm Annette.
-l'm Molly.
Nice to meet you both.
Molly and Annette
are flight attendants.
Oh, so then if this
was the seventies...
we'd go off and have an orgy.
You look like you could
use a fresh one, Molly.
Shall we?
Yes. Come with me.
Go ahead and sit down over here.
l could use a fresh drink.
Go, sit down.
You're all right.
Sit down on the white couch.
She won't bite.
So you're just in
for a few days, l guess.
Yeah. Looking
for a good time...
in the city
that never sleeps.
Do flight attendants
have a certain route...
that they fly?
lt must be fantastic...
to travel to such exotic
places like you do.
lt can be hectic,
but every now and then...
l get to do
a little adventuring.
What's been your
favorite so far?
l was flying
in and out of Rio...
and l got to spend
some time on the Amazon.
That was incredible.
See, that's my dream.
l would love to just go down
there and shoot full-time.
You're a photographer?
Yeah. l do mainly
fashion photography...
like this, but my heart...
my heart is in nature
photography, really.
ln fact, l'm talking
to the people...
at ''National Geographic''
as we speak.
l've been to the Amazon...
like, l don't know,
three or four times.
You know, to be able
to go down there...
and capture flying fish
just kind of...
leaping out of the river...
just to grab a little
nibble of food...
you know, it's...
it's humbling.
Do you like tequila?
l think it's a great
idea to have kids...
but there's so many ways
you could screw it up.
l was having this conversation
with my wife, and--
Wait. You're married?
-Yes, l did.
-No, you did not.
Cal is a photographer,
and he has been telling me...
the most amazing stories
about the Amazon.
To be honest with you,
swimming with piranha...
is not as dangerous
as it sounds.
As long as you
don't have an open wound...
you can just jump right in,
swim right up to them...
pet them if you like.
You can pet them?
You heard me.
That is so amazing.
Yeah. Almost unbelievable.
That's great.
Dan was just telling
me about his wife.
Or Dave.
Did he tell you what
happened to her?
-What happened?
She died.
Oh, my God.
l'm so sorry.
l feel awful.
How did she die?
Mountain climbing.
That is so tragic.
Well, nature has
its savage side.
She's not dead.
He keeps telling
himself that.
He's having a hard time
coming to grips with this.
lt must be really difficult.
Wow. You are so brave.
Honestly, ladies,
the strength...
that this man
has exhibited is...
it's awe inspiring.
-lt really is.
All right, l got an idea.
l have this groovy
little rooftop terrace...
with a beautiful
little Jacuzzi.
l say the four of us,
we go up there...
we drink
a little more tequila...
we play some music.
What do you say, girls?
-Sounds great.
Oh, we don't have
our suits.
lt doesn't matter.
l have a ''no suit'' rule
in this place.
We don't need them.
Don't need them.
l have some robes over there.
You guys can throw
those things on...
and we'll head upstairs.
OK. Sure.
All right? Good.
lt's right there,
that gray door.
How can you make
this stuff up about Greta?
What is this shit
about the Amazon?
You tell them
what they want to hear...
and you speak with passion.
Now, you're coming up, right?
l don't want to do this.
l really don't.
l just want to go home.
You hear that?
That's opportunity knocking, OK?
And unless you answer
the fucking door...
it's going to play
ding-dong ditch.
What the fuck
is ding-dong ditch?
lt's when you
ring the doorbell...
and you run before
they answer the door.
Didn't you ever
play that as a kid?
Yeah. We called it
ring and run.
Well, we called it
ding-dong ditch, OK?
All set!
Oh, those are cute.
Thank you.
Ready, Dave?
Unfortunately, girls,
Dave is not going to
make it to Jacuzzi time.
Oh, sure.
We totally understand.
She's in a better place now.
Our condolences.
Fucking meet somebody, OK?
You take care of yourself, baby.
Come on, girls.
All right.
You know, l've been
thinking a lot about this...
and l'm ready to have kids.
Well, isn't that
what you wanted?
Yeah, but because l felt like
there was something missing...
in my life.
You weren't happy?
l haven't been happy
for a long time.
Why don't we just forget
this ever happened?
You think you can just
forget this happened?
Well, not on my own...
but if you hit me
in the head really hard...
maybe we'll get lucky.
Are you in love with her?
l don't know.
Oh, my God.
l'm sorry, Dave,
but unlike you...
l don't carry
around a manual...
that explains what comes next.
So now l'm just
Mr. Boring Guy...
who follows a script.
l can be different.
ls this something...
we could incorporate
into the marriage?
What, like we all
have sex together?
Greta, you are too old
to be doing this.
l mean, if you really wanted
to be...with women, l mean...
shouldn't you have done it
when you were in college...
like everyone else?
l mean, come on.
You went to
an all-girls school...
for Christ's sakes!
Greta. Greta, don't--
Greta, wait.
Shit! Damn!
Come in.
David Siegel?
This is for you.
What the fuck?
Hey, Dave, have you seen
the numbers...
on the Wilson account?
This is nuts!
Hey, hold the elevator!
Mister...come on.
l think this is a mistake.
-Are you David Siegel?
Then there's no mistake.
Yeah, but these are
divorce papers.
l deliver them, pal,
l don't write them.
l mean,
this can't be possible.
l'm sure you two have a real
fairy-tale romance, OK?
No, you don't understand.
See, this is just a phase
that she's going through.
Looks like a pretty permanent
phase to me, buddy.
Fuck you.
You're taking these back.
l'm not taking them back.
Yeah, you are taking them back.
Hey, back off,
you fucking psycho!
No wonder your wife's
divorcing you.
You son of a bitch!
Oh, my God!
Now you're messing
with the bull.
You're gonna get the horns.
l'll kill you!
-l'm gonna kick that guy's ass!
-Do it!
You want to dance?
-You want to?
-So let's do it.
Come on. Relax. Relax.
What's going on?
Run away, Nancy boy.
You're not a nice man.
Yeah. Hey, say hi
to your wife for me.
Fuck you!
Who are you?
Just a guy doing his job.
This is it.
Right here.
You forgot to pay me!
You can't go in there!
You fucking bitch!
l'm sorry.
He just barged right in.
lt's OK, Sheila.
Well, Dave, to what
do l owe the pleasure?
Don't play coy.
OK, but l think we
should try our best...
to be civil about this.
You know what?
My wife is divorcing me!
You can shove civil
right up your ass, lady!
All right, fair enough.
Why don't you have a seat?
l don't want to sit down!
God damn it!
OK, stand.
What did you do? You cast
some kind of spell on her?
You some kind of voodoo
queen, is that it?
Actually, l was
raised Catholic.
Fuck you! l mean,
look at this place!
This office! l mean,
it's fucking huge!
You could have anyone,
anyone you want, any man, woman!
You have to pick my wife?
l mean, that's just...lazy!
Why did it have to be my wife?
Greta is a very
attractive woman.
She's not attractive.
She's my wife.
You seem to take a very
possessive view of this.
Hey, don't try any of
your Jedi mind tricks...
and make this all about me!
All right, Dave,
tell me something. would you
describe sex with Greta...
prior to the moment...
when you found her
in post-coital bliss...
with another woman?
My wife is not a lesbian!
lt's not like
l slipped her a Mickey...
and had my way with her.
l mean, she would have
slept with a woman eventually.
lf not me, then someone else.
You're full of shit!
l think that
you should accept...
that Greta has figured out
what she wants...
and maybe it's time
for you to do the same.
l want my wife back!
l don't see that happening.
You are a fucking predator.
That's what you are!
Like a lioness?
Or a cheetah?
Yeah. That's right.
You know, you just
slink into our lives...
with your hot talk and...
oh, your incredible body...
and you slip
your panties off...
and you expect everybody
to drop everything and look!
l'm not wearing any.
Dave, do you know what you need?
You need to fuck someone.
You're evil.
ls that what you
want me to be?
You are the coldest,
most manipulative woman...
l've ever met in my life!
Talk, talk, talk.
Fuck you!
The woman who seduced your wife?
Shit, dude, you got to
write a porn movie.
l'm telling you, man.
You told me to be out there.
l got out there.
She was amazing.
For the first time
in my life...
l know what it's like
to be you.
Hot blood is pumping
through my veins.
lt's liberating!
Quit it. Now you're
starting to creep me out.
l'm sorry, but it just
feels fucking great.
lt's a fucking shoe commercial.
Oh, hey, listen,
l need a favor.
What's up?
Emily's coming
to town tomorrow...
and l need, like, an hour.
What's so important?
Her name is Uta.
What are you going
to tell Emily?
l'll tell Emily that
we're doing a photo shoot...
at the apartment
and she can't be there.
Look, l don't have...
the slightest trace
of a conscience, OK?
ls that what you
want to hear?
Are you going to
help me out or not?
l don't know.
What's with
the moral stance here?
Does Greta know about Lily?
l sure as shit hope not.
All right.
So here's what we do.
We're going to tell
Emily that we'll meet...
at the Mod at, like,
8:00 for drinks, OK?
You get there first.
l'll show up a little late...
and just say
the shoot went over.
Jake. Oh, my God. Hey.
What a nice surprise.
Thank you.
Gosh, l haven't
seen you since...
Cal's party.
l've been meaning
to call you about that.
Oh. Oh, really?
Do you have his phone number?
The poop never called me.
l want to see if he
wants to hook up again.
You're kidding, right?
Andrea, we went
to that party together.
You know, l deserve
an explanation.
Come on.
Please, tell me.
Please, please, please,
please, tell me!
l just liked him
better than you.
l couldn't get this stain out.
Hey, Jake, you know
who wrote ''Vanity Fair''?
in stereo.
You a fan?
Actually, l prefer
Henry James.
l find James to be
boring and pedantic.
No. l just always
wanted to say that.
So, can l
buy you a drink?
Great. Hey, Mike.
Can l get another round...
and a little something
for the lady?
Grey Goose martini, please.
lt's nice to see
someone else drinking alone.
Oh, come on.
You're charming.
You're well read.
l mean, how bad can it be?
You don't want to know.
All right, try me.
Give me an example.
OK. Here's the latest.
l'm dating this girl,
and we're dating for a while...
and l think that, you know,
she might be the one.
And about 3 weeks ago,
l take her to this party...
and she ends up going to bed,
while l'm still there...
with the guy
who threw the party.
And he's got
a girlfriend, to boot.
Oh, what an asshole.
You have no idea.
How did his girlfriend
not know?
Evidently she travels a lot.
But still...
what kind of idiot...
would she have to be
not to have caught on by now?
Yeah. Well, what does
the boyfriend do?
Fashion photographer.
Can you believe that?
What a cliche.
He's been living with
this girl for, like, 5 years...
and he sleeps with a new model
every night of the week.
What's his name?
Why? Wait.
What's yours?
Hey, sorry l'm late.
l got caught up at work.
ls Cal here yet?
Jake, what are you
doing here?
No, listen, l--
l think your pal here
was just telling me...
how Cal fucked his girlfriend
at a party at my place.
l'm sorry.
What? What?!
Dave, has Cal
been cheating on me...
for the last 5 years?
l beg your pardon?
You knew.
What the fuck
just happened here?
Hey, hey, hey!
Did you tell Emily that
Cal's been cheating on her?
How was l supposed
to know who she was?
What are you doing
here, anyway?
What are you, high?
l'm always here.
This is not good.
Hey. Leave it at the beep.
Cal. Cal, it's Dave. Pick up.
Emily knows.
She's on her way over.
Just call me back.
l don't know what the fuck
you're saying...
but keep going.
Right here.
How you doing?
You fucking asshole!
What was that for?
You're an asshole.
Cheating on me.
No, l haven't.
You have somebody
here right now.
No, l don't.
Did she do that to you?
Yeah. She has
a hell of a right.
Dude, what the fuck
happened, man?
You were supposed to
keep her at the bar.
Well, l...l was
a little late...
and she was talking to Jake.
She was talking to Jake?
Told her?
That fucker told her?
Oh, fuck!
l'm going to kill
that whiny little prick!
He didn't know
who she was.
l'm going to kill him.
Cal, where are my boots?
Ah, here they are.
Who the fuck was that?
What is she still doing here?
l guess the fireworks
kind of turned her on.
So you slept with her again?
Yeah. What was l going to do,
blow my brains out?
You know, you have
this thing with someone...
and you think it's special.
He's the only guy
l've ever slept with.
You've never been
with anybody else?
And you never had any idea?
l mean...yeah...
there was always
models around...
but Cal's a fashion
He's still a total shit.
l can't believe
Dave fucking knew.
They're all assholes.
True, true.
Well, don't worry
about a thing, Em.
You can stay here
as long as you need.
Sorry, dude. Emergency.
What's going on, man?
Hey, Jake.
Love your shampoo.
Where did you get it?
Lily's in my shower.
The woman who humiliated me
and destroyed your marriage...
is in my bathroom
taking a shower.
You wouldn't know anything
about that, would you?
Well, you know,
a couple of weeks ago...
when Greta gave me
the divorce papers?
l went to Lily's office
to confront her.
Well, the next thing l know...
we're having sex on her desk.
This is insane!
After everything
that bisexual freak did...
you're diddling her?
She prefers the term
Who gives a shit?
You know she's in there
using my shampoo?
l don't want to share
my shampoo with that woman!
Wait. What are you doing?
That's my shampoo.
Give me my shampoo!
This! These are mine!
What the hell
are you doing?
She can fucking drip-dry.
l gave you a place to stay...
when you had nowhere else to go.
ls this how you repay me,
by going behind my back?
Jake, you don't understand.
l mean, this woman,
this woman is so porn.
Hey, l've watched porn.
l've seen John Holmes
in action.
Believe me,
you're no John Holmes.
l'm not saying
l'm John Holmes!
You're Cal.
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
You want to
be him so badly...
you even fucked my date!
Wake up, Dave,
and while you're at it...
get the fuck
out of my apartment.
-Come on, Jake.
-You heard me.
When l get back, l want you
and that velociraptor gone.
Jake, come on. Jake.
Hello. ls this Emily?
Hi. lt's Jake.
From the bar.
l spilled the beans about Cal.
What do you want?
l was wondering
if we could talk.
Can l come up?
No. l'll come down.
l'll be the guy
on the stoop.
Look, l know we didn't meet...
under the best
of circumstances...
but l just wanted
to let you know...
that l feel like a total
jerk for what happened.
That makes two of us.
Wait. We both think
l'm a jerk...
or we both feel like jerks?
Draw your own conclusion.
Look, it was easy for me...
to think of you in the
abstract as some idiot.
ln fact, the only
idiot here is me.
No, you were right.
l was an idiot.
lf l could take it back,
l would.
So you're saying
you'd be like Dave...
and just let Cal keep
doing what he was doing?
l'm just saying
l don't know...
if l could say
something like that...
to someone if l knew
it would hurt them.
What are you,
one of these nice guys?
ls that your thing?
Does that work on anyone?
Because it's been monumentally
unsuccessful so far.
Yeah. Well, l guess
l wouldn't know.
l have a theory.
You can be either
one of two things...
in a relationship--
a pig or a chicken.
ln a ham and egg breakfast...
the chicken is involved,
but the pig is committed.
So, you didn't do
anything wrong.
lt's just that...
you're a pig who got into
a relationship with a chicken.
All right. l get that
whole little story there.
Except for the part
about me being a pig.
OK, yeah, that was
a bad analogy...
and it needs work, but...
But...see, you're a good person
who deserves the best.
ln fact,
say that with me.
l can't hear you.
l want to--
l am a great person...
l'm a great person.
Who deserves the best.
Who deserves the best.
And l will buy you
a fudgsicle.
OK. And l will accept.
Thank you.
No. You are going to
buy me a fudgsicle.
You're supposed to repeat me.
Oh, you're really funny.
Thank you very much.
Did you bring any change?
No. You're going to buy me one.
-l'm Not buying you anything.
-Yes, you are.
My client only has one
simple stipulation.
Greta Siegel was caught
in flagrante delicto...
with a woman.
So this entitles him
to everything?
So they bought
the apartment together.
He's supposed to walk away
from the equity?
Well, if she keeps up
the mortgage payments...
how will that affect--
You're dancing around
the issue, counselor.
Do we really have to
go through all this?
You tell me.
l'm not the one...
who walked away
from this marriage.
Take it easy, Dave.
Mr. Siegel, have you had
sexual intercourse at all...
since you moved out
of your apartment?
What's that got to do
with anything?
Will you let me
handle this?
What has that got
to do with anything?
Just trying to establish...
if your client is moving on
with his life, and if so...
l think that does have
a bearing on the situation.
You do not have to answer that.
Actually, l would
like to answer that.
l have slept
with someone since.
Please. Who?
One Lily Kildear.
That's right.
Wait a minute. Dave,
you slept with Lily Kildear?
That being the woman
with whom l caught my wife...
in flagrante de...
Dave, why didn't you
tell me this?
-How long?
What difference does it make?
She's a lawyer in this firm.
She's about to
be made a partner.
How do you think l found
you guys--subway ads?
How long?
Holy shit.
Please strike
my last remark.
l think you should
leave that in the record.
What do you mean? You can't
represent me anymore?
Hey! How long
have you been sleeping...
with my girlfriend?
Oh, so now she's
your girlfriend.
Did you get that?
l'm going to ask you
to stop talking.
Not until after you did it,
if that's what you're asking...
but with great frequency
since then.
Dave, you don't want
to say things like that.
l've heard of some pretty
shitty things, Dave...
but this is a new low.
Why don't we just
settle this right now?
What are you talking about?
This is her firm, right?
You fucking prick!
l've been banging
her brains out, Greta.
She said so herself.
How's your sex been?
Go fuck yourself.
Don't need to. Getting
all l can handle from her.
Did you see that?
Spousal abuse.
Add that to the list.
Where's Lily Kildear?
She's...back there.
But you can't go back there!
You can't go in there, sir!
-Hey, Sheila.
You can't go back there, folks.
Well, absolutely not.
lf he doesn't sign
on the dotted line at 3 p.m.--
How could you?
l will call you right back.
How could l what, Greta?
How could you
sleep with Dave?
l thought that we had
something special.
You thought you had
something special?
Oh, this is great.
Hi, Hal.
What's going on here?
l'll tell you
what's going on!
You cheated on me with him.
Like you did
on him with me?
l won't stand for this.
Why don't you just
make a choice right now?
Neither one of you.
l beg your pardon?
Ever seen one
like this before?
Prayed for it.
Wait, wait. Are you...
are you serious?
l don't understand.
Listen, Greta, sweetie,
what we had was wonderful...
but that happily-ever-after
thing really isn't my style.
l think l'm gonna be sick.
Look, you both got something
you badly needed...
and we've had a good time.
You still find this a...
conflict of interest?
Well, it's tricky.
Good. You're fired.
You're a piece of work.
You're not getting
in my pants, Hal.
Worth a shot, eh?
All right.
l'll just...
get the door.
Try your hand up.
That's it. Good.
Turn around.
We'll take a break
for a second.
Thank you for meeting me.
What do you want, Cal?
l just want to talk to you.
Then talk.
Can't we walk?
You want to walk
and talk? Fine.
l'm really sorry, Emily.
Great. ls that it?
No, that's not it.
You really look great.
What do you want, Cal?
You've been hanging out
with Jake a lot, huh?
Yeah. He's been
really supportive.
Emily, marry me.
Are you crazy?
l'm ready to make
a commitment.
Well, l was committed,
but you were too busy...
screwing your way through
a Victoria's Secret catalog.
You are the best thing
that ever happened to me...
and l refuse to let you go
without a fight.
l just...l need
to think for a second.
While you're thinking,
take a look at this.
Oh, my God.
l swear to you, l am
through with other women.
l've sown my wild oats,
and statistically speaking...
l'm less likely
to cheat on you...
or have a mid-life
crisis at this point.
Wait a second.
How do l know that
you're being honest?
Just because you're
giving me some ring?
An incredibly gorgeous ring?
How do l know...
that you're not going
to betray me again?
A prenuptial agreement?
lt says here
that if l cheat on you...
you're entitled to 70%
of everything that l have.
Well, l thought 70% was fair.
lt is, but it's not about that.
lt's the fact that
you're giving yourself...
an economic incentive
not to cheat on me.
l don't think you're seeing
the big picture here.
l wouldn't do this
if l didn't think that...
l could do this.
Emily, l love you so much.
Emily, please marry me.
She said yes.
Emily. We're getting married.
That's right. l saw her today
and she agreed to marry me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That seems awfully drastic, Cal.
l needed to do
something drastic, David.
l needed to turn
my life around.
Yeah, but are you sure
you're ready for this...
l mean, to be faithful?
You do know you're going
to have to be faithful, right?
Yes, yes, l know.
l'm giving you the best news
of my life here.
You're supposed
to be happy for me.
l come into the apartment,
it's like something...
out of ''lnvasion
of the Body Snatchers.''
Where are you hiding the pods?
Where's my friend Cal?
What are you talking about?
You can't just change overnight.
You are who you are.
You know what?
Fuck you.
Fuck you,
and fuck your pods.
Just because your life
is in the toilet...
doesn't mean everyone else
has to live there, too.
l don't want everyone
to live in the toilet!
lt's just that--
Christ, Dave, you know what?
l ask you over here to see
if you want to be my best man...
and you're acting like l just
took a dump on your forehead.
Your best man?
OK, sure.
l'll be your best man.
Ah, yes. Thank you.
l got to tell you,
l've never been more sure...
of anything
in my whole entire life.
l could kiss you.
There. l just did.
Yep. Come in.
Hey! What a nice surprise.
Can l come in?
Sorry. l thought
you'd be out.
l just wanted to get
some of my stuff.
Don't worry about it.
So, l see you've painted...
and unpacked.
Seems like you're
really settling in here.
Dave, don't make this
more difficult than it is.
Oh, l'm sorry.
l'm being difficult?
l'm not the one
who decided to embark...
on some kind of
lesbian sex odyssey.
l mean, how the fuck...
could you do this
all of a sudden?
lt's like the way you drive.
You don't use your signals.
You've got to give a person
some kind of a warning.
What are you talking about?
l'm talking about
giving a person a warning...
some signals,
not blind-siding somebody.
You remember that time
we drove out to the beach...
and you side-swiped
that old guy in the Lincoln?
l mean, that was because
you weren't using your signals.
You tried to merge without--
Shut up!
l don't think
you have any idea...
how hard this is on me, too.
Yeah. Yeah. l mean, l...
l know this is hard for you...
and l know...
we've had our problems, but...
there was good stuff, too.
There was.
There was. There is.
l don't know.
l'm sorry about the other day
at the lawyer's office.
l feel horrible about that.
Me, too.
l miss you, Greta.
l miss you, Dave.
You are the most important
thing in my life...
and l love you.
l'm sorry.
Oh, no, shh.
lt's OK.
l'm sorry, Dave.
lt's OK.
Holy shit.
l mean, Jesus, Greta.
Where the hell did you...
l mean, Jesus.
l can't remember the last time
it was this great.
Can you?
Oh, my God.
And it wasn't just me, right?
This was great.
Oh, wow. Unreal.
Yeah, sweetie?
l'm a lesbian.
l'm a lesbian.
l'm a lesbian!
Stop saying that.
l finally figured out
that this is who l am...
and, Dave, l can't change that.
Oh, my God!
l never meant to hurt you.
You know, what do you think
you're going to do, Greta...
go back to Lily?
Because she doesn't want you.
This has nothing
to do with Lily, Dave.
This has to do with me.
l'm a lesbian!
l heard you!
And stop saying that!
You're a lesbian!
Can't you be happy for me?
No, l can't be happy for you.
l mean, you get to have this
life-affirming revelation...
after taking me on
this fucking roller coaster!
And just when l think it's over,
the bottom drops out!
No, l can't be happy for you!
My life's a fucking mess!
Dave, l'm sorry.
You know what?
Sorry's not good enough.
You thought
the other day was bad?
Yeah. Well, this...
this is going to get ugly.
Are you all right?
No, l'm not all right.
l give my love
and devotion to a woman...
who turns out to be
an emotional ''La Femme Nikita.''
And l think
l just tore my A.C.L.!
Oh, my God.
Fuck you!
People talk about a relationship
enduring the test of time.
l'm sure everyone wants it...
but the key is,
how do you get it?
The Egyptians.
The Egyptians knew.
They started the pyramids.
See, they knew
they were building...
something that had to
last and last and last.
Sure, they started
with a strong foundation...
but the secret is...
the placement
of that very first stone.
The pyramids?
Now, l know we just met,
but this feels like...
that was what we have
working here, you know?
First stone...
l'm Cal Scoppa.
Cal Scoppa...photographer?
You're familiar with my work?
l've heard your name
in certain circles.
And your name is?
Wouldn't it make
where we're headed...
a lot more fun if we
just kept it anonymous?
No offense...
but l'm not really into
building anything long-term.
l would be up
for a good time, though...
if that was OK with you.
Fuck the Egyptians.
So, what other kind of
photography do you do?
Oh, don't stop!
Don't stop!
OK, stop.
What the hell do you want?
Can l come in?
Quit smoking,
what, two years ago?
Yeah. l quit with you.
Quite a buzz the first one
gives you, l gotta say.
What brought this on?
She doesn't love me.
No, my mom.
She called to say she never has.
Seemed real apologetic, though.
Yeah, Emily.
Jake, listen--
l know what you're
going to say, Dave...
that l'm the boy
who always cried wolf...
but this time,
it's the real thing...
and this real thing is going
to marry someone else, so...
l thought it was worth...
throwing two years
of clean lungs out the window.
You OK with that?
As long as l can get one.
Do you mind?
Not at all.
You OK?
lt's good.
lt's time to grow up.
l'm doing the right thing here.
The thought of her
and Jake together...
just makes my stomach...
What is that,
that noise you make?
''Mmm.'' You always go ''mmm.''
lf you don't agree with
someone, you go ''mmm.''
lt's very passive-aggressive.
Dave, right?
There's someone out front to
see you.
She wouldn't say.
Go get it, dog.
Thank you.
What are you doing here?
Are you kidding?
l wouldn't miss this
for the world.
What is this?
Have a look.
This is you and Cal?
Nice butt, huh?
Why are you giving this to me?
What am l supposed
to do with this?
That, my dear, is
entirely up to you.
We're ready.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...
to celebrate the love
of two people, Calvin and Emily.
Marriage is
a sacred institution...
and one which should not
be entered into lightly...
but rather consciously,
thoughtfully, and soberly.
lf anyone has reason
why these two...
should not be joined together
in Holy matrimony...
speak now
or forever hold your peace.
Calvin Scoppa,
do you take Emily Davis...
to be your lawfully
wedded wife...
to have and to hold...
for richer, for poorer...
so long as you both
shall live?
Hold on.
Oh, thank God.
-l have to say this.
-Say what?
You both are
really, really great...
and l love you,
but you can't do this.
You're getting married
because you think...
you're supposed to,
not because you want to.
And believe me,
l know what l'm talking about...
because l've
been playing fiddle...
while the ''Titanic''
is sinking...
and l've made a lot of mistakes.
l haven't been
honest with myself...
or any of you
for a long, long time.
l knew our marriage was a mess,
but you admitted it first...
and made me so upset,
l acted like a jerk...
and l'm sorry for that.
l can't stand here
and let you two...
make the same kind
of mistake we did.
Cal, this is the hardest
thing l've ever had to do...
and l'm pretty sure--no.
What's he doing?
l'm positive...that it's
the right thing to do.
Don't get married.
At least...
not to each other.
That's it.
You're completely out
of your mind, man.
Because l've changed.
l love this woman.
l love this woman!
And l'm going to
marry her today.
Tell them, Emily.
You're buying into this crap?
Cal, Dave's right.
You're going to take
marital advice...
from a guy who
married a lesbian?
That wasn't entirely his fault.
lt wasn't.
lt wasn't his fault.
l'm sorry.
l'm sorry, Cal.
You son of a bitch.
How could you do this to me?
You no-good piece of shit!
Let go of me!
l have to get married today!
l'm getting married today!
l have to get
married today!
Are you OK?
l was hoping
he'd take that...
a little bit better
than he did.
Natives are getting
restless, kids.
Ladies and gentlemen...
it seems as though there's been
a slight change of plans.
On behalf of Cal and Emily, we'd
like to thank you for coming...
and we'll keep you posted.
Feel free to sign the guest book
on your way out.
So, this guy's name was Job? son.
Poor bastard.
leave us a minute.
Why'd you do it?
Where'd you get these?
Her name is Lil--
This is your Lily?
You put her up to this?
She did it all on her own.
Because she's
a sick, twisted woman.
You can say that again.
Cal, l'm sorry.
l couldn't let you...
make the biggest
mistake of your life.
You were right, Dave.
l was?
l'm not ready for this.
l couldn't give Emily
what she needs.
She deserves a good guy...
like that prick Jake.
What's going on?
What happened?
l didn't get married.
Yeah, l can see that.
No...l'm not
getting married.
Do you want to go
grab a fudgsicle?
l do.
Emily, sweetheart,
what the hell is going on?
lt's OK. l'm fine.
This is my friend
Jake Elowitch.
That's my mom and my dad.
Nice to meet you,
Mr. and Mrs. Davis.
You raised a lovely daughter.
Thank you.
Where are you going?
We're going to
go get a fudgsicle.
A fudgsicle?
How did it go?
All right, l guess.
How's Emily?
She seemed fine when she
walked out with Jake.
Where did he come from?
l called him.
You called him?
Emily and Jake
are nice people...
and they deserve exactly
what's coming to them.
Where's she going?
l think she's about to have sex
with Cal in the rectory.
How did we not
see that coming?
Thank you for what
you said about us.
l could have picked
a better forum.
What you did took
a lot of courage.
l'm really proud of you.
l brought you something.
The divorce papers.
All signed and ready
for your approval.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
How are you, Dave?
How am l?
Aside from my jaw...
l'm pretty good...
for the first time
in a long time.
Pretty good.
l'm so glad.
Honestly, Dave, l'm glad.
l'm really glad
to hear you say that.
Because it makes what
l'm about to tell you...
a lot easier to say.
What's that?
l'm pregnant.