Kountry Wayne: A Woman's Prayer (2023) Movie Script

I'm from a town, a small town.
There's more people coming to see me
tonight than was in my town, Father.
Father, you brought me from there,
through the Internet.
Now I've got my own comedy special,
'cause you're that special, God.
So I ask for you tonight, Father,
let your will be done
through your son, in Jesus' name, amen.
Everybody, start clapping right now.
D.C., start clapping right now.
Up top, start clapping right now.
Get your energy up.
Show some love for Kountry Wayne!
I put your picture on my mirror
Start to blush
When somebody says your name
In my stomach, there's a pain
See you walk in my direction
I go the other way
I start to stutter when I speak
Try to stand but my knees go weak
What's happening to me?
In the dark
Can you tell me what it means?
I lay my head on my pillow
Staring out the window
Wish on a star for a sign
Hey, D.C.!
You're always on my mind
When you come around, I get shy
Take those pictures.
That's my move right there. Yeah!
Hey, that's my move right there.
Yo, yo, yo, let's get it. Let's get it.
Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it.
Washington, D.C., let's get it!
Appreciate y'all. Appreciate it.
Let's go. Let's go.
Yo. Yo, okay, y'all gonna sit on down.
I get nervous when you call
So I say I'm not home
I see your face
When I hear my favorite song
Should I send an email at home?
Hey, I don't know who thought
I was gonna dance that long.
That ain't gonna work.
I appreciate y'all.
D.C., y'all give yourselves a hand tonight
for coming up.
Y'all coming to see a real one.
And the best place to film it at was D.C.
I can feel the real Black energy in here.
When they say,
"Don't record with your phone,"
my Black people gonna be like,
"I'mma get some of this."
"Yeah, that Netflix, you a damn liar.
This is loading up on my phone."
I know us,
and I tell 'em, I don't care if I'm on TV.
Just know I'mma wear this again.
This my child support outfit.
They got a real one in here tonight.
They messed up
and gave the wrong one a special.
And, women, when I come out here,
don't be screaming at me like that.
Don't do that.
You don't want these problems.
I got ten kids.
You don't wanna go through that.
I got ten children.
I got ten. That's right.
And people be asking me stupid questions.
"Wayne, how you had ten kids?"
Hell, I don't know!
Too much "Ah!" Not enough "Uh!"
Hell, I couldn't pull out, man.
My pull-out game ain't nothing, brother.
If I tell you how to pull out tonight,
don't listen to me.
It's that tickling feeling.
I be like, "I'm about to pull out.
Damn it, I did it again!"
And plan B pills don't work for me.
My last little baby came out
with a plan B pill in her hand.
"Good try, Daddy!"
Got ten kids. Ten, man.
And I thought I had 11.
During the pandemic, a girl I used
to deal with in high school called me
and told me her 14-year-old son was mine.
Yeah, so I went to San Antonio, Texas
to take the test.
She came to the door,
and she had turned into a he.
I'm like, "Damn,
now I got a whole baby daddy out here."
I'm like, "Damn,
who gonna pay child support?"
"You need to man up."
If you got kids,
say, "Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay!"
If you don't got kids,
say, "Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay!"
Ay! Ay! Y'all stop trying to tell us
how to raise our damn kids.
You don't know
these nasty, filthy children.
I can't stand
people with no kids talking about,
"Don't beat the kids! You gotta talk."
Beat that godderned child!
'Cause these children now, they know
they can call the people if you whoop 'em.
My daughter Zarhia,
she threaten her mom all the time.
She like, "If you whoop me,
I'mma call the police."
We thought she was flexin',
but her auntie Crystal whooped her.
She called the police,
and Crystal went to jail.
So you know me. I talk a lot of junk.
I be like, "I say I'm gonna whoop her,
but I got too much to lose."
She came to my house for Christmas break.
She had been messing up in school.
She walked in the house.
I got seven other daughters.
I say, "Y'all jump her right now."
Figure it out.
And, parents,
time to keep it real with your kids.
Stop lying to them, talking about
they can be what they wanna be.
You know darn well your child
can't be what they wanna be.
How many of y'all children play sports,
basketball, football, basketball?
Yo, I don't know who need to hear this,
but it ain't the coach.
Junior just ain't good.
We don't need him in the game.
Keep it real with your children,
especially the mamas.
Y'all be lying, hyping the children up.
My oldest son Tony, his mama
been telling everybody all of his life,
"Tony going to the NBA."
That's a lie. I went to his game.
This Mexican boy crossed him up
and said something in Spanish.
Perro caliente.
"Boy, you just got
the salsa crossed out of you."
"Give me those shoes. You don't need 'em."
My second oldest son, Temar,
his mama talking about,
"The smartest child in the world."
Why? Because he makes straight A's?
Just 'cause your child makes straight A's
don't make your child that smart.
Temar is not
the smartest child in the world!
For his birthday
when he was in the third grade,
I took 24 cupcakes to his classroom.
Walked in his classroom,
weren't nothing but four kids in there.
And I knew something was wrong
'cause a little boy came up to me.
"Ooh, 24 cupcakes!"
I said, "Boy, if you don't get back,
I'mma trip you right now!"
People be trying to praise me
about my kids.
"Wayne, at least you had all your kids.
You didn't have no abortions."
I'm like, "You don't know me!"
Yeah, my first son,
I gave the baby mama $500
to have an abortion. She still had my son.
Now when I see him, I be feeling bad.
Be like, "Boy, you don't even know!"
"I had a hit out on you."
I been wanting to know,
does he feel it in his spirit?
Is he gonna switch out on me
like Tariq did Ghost on Power?
For his birthday, I give him extra.
Forgive and forget, son.
Keep it real.
But, parents, let me tell you something.
You a good parent. You are a good parent.
I know you try
to prove it too much online though.
You be saying stuff on social media
you don't know if you mean.
"I'd do anything to protect my child."
I'd die for my children,
but I don't know if I'd do anything.
Think about that before you say it.
I done thought this scenario through
a thousand times.
I remember when my son was young,
I said, "What are we walking together
late at night by ourselves?"
In an alley. And a crazy man
come with a gun out of nowhere
and say, "Listen here.
Either I rape you or kill your son."
"Junior, let me talk to you for a minute."
"Stop crying. You going to Heaven, boy."
"They got Fortnite in Heaven too."
Hell, don't judge me.
I got ten kids. I can spare one.
Oh, hey, what you would do, brother?
That's right. Hush and drink your drink.
What y'all wanna do?
Get raped so my son can stay alive?
And what am I gonna do at my funeral
when I'm dead in the casket,
and he goes to the preacher,
"I remember when my daddy had bent over--"
"Hey! Hey! Hey!"
"I ain't take nothing, boy!
Stop lying to the people in this church!"
"Then I'd be on my obituary
like this right here."
"No, the hell I didn't!"
I keep it real.
I say stuff y'all scared to say.
My grandma say,
"Wayne, you speak your mind too much."
My grandma can't stand me.
She say,
"When your Netflix special come out,
you gonna get canceled."
"And I'm so happy
you're gonna get canceled."
My grandma get mad at me
'cause I keep it real.
She still made at me about something I did
when I was nine at Thanksgiving dinner.
I called out something
that was on everybody else's mind.
I'm the type of person,
if I see something, I'mma call it out.
Later on, I realized I was wrong.
I was ignorant at the moment,
but I meant it right then.
My grandma got mad at me
when I was nine at Thanksgiving dinner.
Whole family was there
and my uncle Richard was there.
Now, my uncle Richard got AIDS.
It's cool.
He take his medicine and everything.
But he was over there cooking the food.
Everything was good.
He was chopping up some peppers,
and I seen him go, "Ah!" I said, "Hey!"
I said, "Uncle Richard, are you okay?"
"Yeah, nephew.
I did cut my finger. That's it."
"That's it?!"
"Yeah, well, Thanksgiving over,
then, ain't it?"
"You need to get some trash bags
and throw them pots and pans away."
He telling,
"No, y'all gonna eat this food
'cause I put my blood,
sweat, and tears in it."
"He put his blood in the food!"
"Put your plate down right now!"
My grandma beat the Black off of me.
She got up from the table mad.
"That's why I don't like Wayne
to come over here."
"He's so ignorant."
"Everybody, let's pray."
Every time something happened,
my grandma'd make us hold hands and pray.
So I grabbed Uncle Richard's hand.
I say, "Is this the one you cut, or what?"
And my grandma went to praying,
but her prayer messed me up,
'cause I take prayer specifically.
And she asked God. She said, "God,
I want you to show my ignorant grandson
how powerful you are."
"I want you to make that spirit of AIDS
jump out of Richard's body right now."
"Make it jump out--" I say, "Grandma!"
"Where that spirit gonna go
when it come out of him?"
"You ain't giving no directions
which way it's going."
"Open up a window so it can float."
Come on, now.
I was ignorant at the time. I ain't know.
When I was young, Uncle Richard
used to have a lot of girlfriends.
And didn't nobody say nothing.
Now, I don't know
if the women knew what I knew.
I an't never tell them, but I used
to throw them hints, like, "Oh!"
If you met Uncle Richard,
you wouldn't feel bad.
He the one always bothering people.
We had a cookout one time.
My cousin Pierre was there.
My cousin Pierre got a dog named Rufus.
Rufus wasn't bothering nobody.
But Uncle Richard swear
Rufus ain't a real pit bull.
He messing with Rufus. "Ah! Ah!"
That there Rufus jumped up,
bit Uncle Richard by the hip, shaking him.
Blood was everywhere.
They cannot get Rufus off Uncle Richard.
They finally got Rufus off Uncle Richard,
and everybody went
to check on Uncle Richard.
I was the only one courteous enough
to go check on Rufus.
I say, "Now,
you know that's your last bite."
I say, "I bet you won't bite nobody else."
Rufus was a Rottweiler.
Seen him three months later,
he turned into a Chihuahua.
Keep it real, boy.
They found out I had a special. Boy,
the whole church had a meeting about me.
They say I be out here
talking about our pastor, Pastor Williams.
And they say I better not talk about him
on the special.
I talk about Pastor Williams
'cause Pastor Williams got
the stankest breath in America!
They say he anointed.
I told them he needed an appointment.
He be preaching from
the Book of Doo-Doo-Ronomy.
Pastor Williams' breath stank.
His breath so stank,
he hollered at me one day.
"God" I say,
"Goddamn, your breath stank."
"I wish I had a Listerine gun.
I'd shoot you in the mouth."
"Stop speaking in tongues.
I'm losing my faith."
Pastor Williams' breath stank!
His breath so stank.
He was preaching at my uncle's funeral.
Now, my uncle was sleeping in the casket.
Pastor Williams got on my uncle and say,
"God is gonna send you to a better place."
My uncle did just like this right here.
Pastor Williams' breath stank, man.
I ain't know how stank his breath was
till he called us up to pray for us.
I got up there. He was like, "God!"
I was like, "Ooh."
He say, "Do you feel the spirit?"
I say, "No, but I sure smell it."
He say, "What does spirit smell like?"
I said, "Dookie."
"Grandma, give him
one of your peppermints."
Keep it real.
Everybody think I'm crazy.
Everybody be asking me
be like, "Wayne, are you single?"
"Yeah, I'm for the streets."
No, it's my first time
being single since kindergarten.
One of the main reasons I'm single
because, first of all, I learned, man,
a woman's prayer is powerful.
So if you hurt a woman,
boy, you gonna get cursed.
God listens to a woman's prayer,
and, me, I don't like how a woman look
after you cheat on 'em.
I don't wanna cheat
'cause she get that look on her face
and you just know
she done told an angel in Heaven.
'Cause a woman know when you cheat.
When you go cheat, a woman know it.
She feel it in her spirit.
She be thinking it's gas, but it really
You don't believe me?
Next time you cheat, brother next time
This brother trying to disappear,
like, "Hold up. Wait a minute"
"You ain't got me out here like this."
That's right, man,
'cause we cheat on women,
but let me tell you something.
We can't cheat no more.
The cheating over with.
We can't-- The iPhone stopped that.
The iPhone was made by a woman.
You thought it was Steve Jobs.
It was his wife!
Eve been working on the iPhone
since the Bible.
You don't believe me?
Why you think
it got the apple on the back, bit off?
My man down here like, "Damn,
that's deep as hell, Kountry Wayne."
I gotta get an Android now.
I got one!
When the iPhone came out,
that was it, brother.
We can't cheat no more.
I remember when FaceTime first hit,
I was on a roll.
I had a girl in the hotel with me.
I had a girlfriend at the time.
My girl called me on FaceTime.
My phone rung.
I say, "Can you go
jump out the window, please?"
I answer the phone.
She's like this right here.
She said, "Let me see the whole room."
She say, "Why your face so close?"
I say, "It's FaceTime.
Follow the instructions."
We can't cheat. Them girls can record you.
Your side chick got a recording of you
on her phone you don't even know about.
She gonna put it out there
when she get mad.
Why I don't do nothing too freaky
with your side chick
you don't want nobody to see,
'cause when she get mad,
she gonna put it out there.
How do I know this?
'Cause it happened to me.
No, we all grown.
I was with my side chick one night,
pleasing her down there.
This girl had her phone propped up
on a lamp on a night stand
recording me the whole time.
I'm so stupid I'm looking at the phone.
I get home to my girl.
My girl like, "So, you was with Michelle?"
"I weren't with no damn Michelle."
"Well, what this video about?"
I heard the phone coming to me.
I ain't know what to do, so I done
looked at the phone and fell out.
I say, "Call the ambulance."
"Tell them I just had a stroke,
and I don't remember nothing
from my past."
"You didn't have no stroke."
I say, "I swear to God,
I just had a stroke."
I say, "Call 911 right now."
"Call 911."
She say, "Give me your phone to call 911."
I say, "Stop playing, for real."
I tell you, man,
cheating takes a lot of work.
But, fellas, we shouldn't cheat anyway.
You know why we shouldn't?
'Cause we ain't we ain't fair.
We cheat ten times. A woman cheat once.
We like, "Oh, she a ho!"
"She ain't no good."
Man, listen,
'cause I'm the type of person,
if I like you, I don't care about
your body count or nothing.
I like you for you, man.
One dude, he told me one time, man,
in the hood, I was dealing with this girl.
He was like,
"You don't wanna talk to her."
"They say she let Lil' Vic
come all over her face."
I say, "Well
did she wash it?"
"I heard soap does the body good."
That why a man seem quick
to call a woman a ho and all that,
but, see, I don't call women hos
and the B-word. You know why?
Because they say
whatever you call a woman,
like, that spirit come back
and hit your daughters.
And I got eight daughters.
So there's a good chance.
And I know which one it is.
I pray for her every day.
"Get that spirit out of you.
I can see it."
Gotta keep it real. But the reason why
men call women hos and the B-word
is because, to be honest I'm glad
my mama kept it real about me.
She kept it real about everything she did.
See, most men don't know
everything their mama did, eh?
Yeah, somebody done came
on your mama face too.
If you knew everything your mama did,
you would never call you wouldn't do it.
How do you think your mama had you?
Your daddy had to come in your mama.
Oh, you think your mama were different?
You think your mama like,
"No, you can't come in me. Uh-uh."
"Put it in this jar."
No, man, I'm telling you.
'Cause it ain't fair.
When we cheat on a woman,
you know, she accept us back,
she got simple questions.
"Did you love her?"
"Are you done with her?
How much money did you spend on her?"
That's it. Not us. You cheat on us,
our questions get weird.
We talk about the dude.
"Well, you know he ain't got no money."
Let's get straight to the questions.
Let's get straight to the questions
though. Y'all. Y'all. Y'all. Y'all. Y'all.
Let's get straight
to the questions, y'all.
"How big his thang was?"
She be like,
"I don't even know how to show you."
"Show me with your fingers right now."
She be like, "I don't know.
It was about this big."
"A foot-long sub?"
"So you gonna be a thot in Subway?"
"I thought your mama
raised you better than that."
We can't take it.
Fellas, don't get it twisted.
You cannot out-cheat your woman,
'cause you don't even know
who your woman cheating with.
You think it's the guy with the money.
No. Some of the best loving your woman had
was from a broke dude.
That's right. When a broke dude pumping,
he pumping with a purpose.
He pumping for a place to stay.
A cosigner on a car. A PS5.
It's a woman here now
can't wait till their broke dude
get his life together.
You think it's the guy with the money
getting your girl.
No, it's that guy
that walking through the hood
with them little dreads,
just like this here.
"I can't wait till he go to work."
You can't out-cheat a woman
You can't out-cheat a woman
'cause you can't lie better than a woman.
When a woman lie about a guy she
dealt with and she don't want you to know,
she lie to herself first.
I dealt with this girl one time.
She cheated on her boyfriend.
She lie so good
she made me think we ain't messing around.
I messed with her after the club.
I texted her the next morning.
"How was last night?" She texted me back.
"How was what, and who is this?"
I be like, "404."
I say, "This me, Wayne."
She say, "Wayne who?"
I sent her a picture of me and her.
She text me back. "Ooh, stranger danger."
When a woman lie,
she take that lie to the grave.
Matter of fact,
a woman'll get to Heaven and lie.
Jesus'll be like,
"I know you slept with James, my child."
She be like, "I swear to God--
on you, I ain't sleep with James."
Jesus be like, "Well, you know
I can see everything from up here."
She be like, "Well, you know
it get cloudy up here sometimes.
Look at 'em laughing, fellas!
That's Satan telling on 'em.
Women good, man, 'cause we stupid.
We tell on ourselves.
If we with our girl in public,
we see our side chick,
we can't even be still.
Walking with our girl,
we see our side chick, we be like
"Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Ah!"
You so stupid.
Your woman be walking with you,
she sees James, she'll call him over.
Your girl will be walking with you
and see her side dude, James,
she'll be like, "Oh, James.
Come here, James. Come here, James."
"James, meet Rico.
Rico, James. James, Rico."
You be like, "Who this is?"
"Oh, he do taxes."
"He can help you
get an extra $2,000 on your taxes."
You so stupid, you're like,
"Hey, man, you do that for real, man?"
"I need help
with my Earned Income Credit."
You so stupid!
Women run the game, boy.
Women run the game.
People don't know.
You know how women run the game?
They got their drug between their legs.
Their coochie.
Nothing on the market better than coochie.
I don't care what it say.
I don't care if it's Percocets.
Coochie run the game!
That's why I never tried no other drug.
I tried coochie first.
My homeboys got addicted to weed,
'cause they tried weed before coochie.
I tried weed after coochie.
"Let me see what y'all be talking about."
I be like"
"This ain't nothing!"
My homeboys couldn't wait
to go to the high school party
so they could get together
and smoke weed together.
I couldn't wait to go
so I could get some coochie.
At the end of the night,
they come in from smoking.
"Oh, hi."
I come in from getting some coochie.
"Oh, hi"
And they be paranoid.
"Man, we get home,
we gonna get in trouble from our mama."
"No, y'all will get in trouble."
"Your mama will ask
to smell your breath."
I say, "Ain't no mama gonna ask
to smell my thang."
She gonna be like,
"Wayne is the good son."
But she don't know
my thang is stuck to these Levis.
Wayne need a rag!
I used to be so addicted
when I was 13 years old.
I used to jack off so much,
I had my own nut rag.
My grandma found it one day.
She came in,
and it was so hard and crusted.
She hit me upside the head with it.
She said,
"Now, that's how you bust a nut!"
Women run the game.
And, fellas, you don't even know
when a woman really like you.
Let me tell you
you know when a woman like you
when she about to come over
and her period on.
If she don't like you like that,
she gonna tell you before it come on.
"We can't do nothing because my period
about to come on and my head hurting."
"Let's just watch TV.
Ain't nothing going on tonight."
You be like, "Is it on yet?"
"No, but my auntie got
the same period, same day,
so hers came on today."
"It's coming down.
Ain't no red lights being ran tonight."
But, boy, when she like you, trust me,
before she get over there, she gonna try
everything in her power to turn it off.
She gonna take four of the hottest baths.
She won't care
if it shrivel up like a raisin.
She gonna walk to the car
like this right here.
When you get there,
you ain't gonna know her period on
till you about to stick it in.
"Oh, we can't do nothing
because my period on a little bit."
"Is it on?"
"Well, it ain't on on, but, you know,
it's towards the end of it."
"Let me go to the bathroom.
Let me just see. Let me just"
"It just disappeared. It left on its own."
"It's up to you though.
I'm saying these your sheets."
"I seen a black towel in the bathroom,
but it's"
But when she really like you
Oh, when she really, really like you
she ain't gonna need to take that chance.
You ain't gonna know till you get in.
"Hold up, this hitting different tonight."
"The hell is going on?"
You done. You cut on the lights
and look down
and be like, "What in the hell?!"
You look up at her.
She be like, "Oh my God."
"It wasn't even supposed to come on yet."
"You just so big. How you did that?"
"I'm so embarrassed, for real."
"No, it weren't supposed to come on,
for real."
"Look at my app on my phone. Look."
Oh, these beautiful women.
Women so beautiful,
y'all don't know how beautiful you are.
Women worry about their body too much.
Women wanna get their bodies done.
Ladies, we don't care about
your body like that.
You should see some of my baby mamas.
I don't show all my baby mamas
'cause everybody ain't ready to be seen.
For real, one of my baby mamas,
three years ago,
her boyfriend hit her,
knocked the girl's teeth out.
She around here whistling.
She's a referee. Listen,
I'm not judging her,
but she was talking pictures on Facebook
and Instagram with my daughter, smiling.
And had the nerve to be hashtagging
"Kountry Wayne baby mama."
I reported the picture to Facebook
and Instagram, "Take this down right now."
I be like,
"Flag it as inappropriate. Take it down."
They be like, "Is it nudity?"
I be like, "Yes, her mouth is butt naked.
Take it down."
Women who wanna get your body done,
get your body done
but get it done for you.
Don't get it done for us.
I'm telling you
because it don't matter like you think.
My baby mama got all their bodies done.
All them got them done.
Baby mama came home with fake titties.
I'mma be honest.
I don't like no fake titties like that.
I don't like no titty
looking at me like this all damn day.
I like a titty like to relax sometime.
This is a natural titty right here.
Ain't nothing
like a natural titty, brother.
Ain't nothing like looking and
that titty's hanging across her shoulder.
"Let me get that titty back over."
The titty be like, "Thank you.
I was losing my circulation."
Ladies, when you get stuff done,
think about your body getting older,
especially your tattoos.
You forgot your body gonna get older.
Get a tattoo
that's gonna last your whole life.
When you're young,
you don't think about that.
You forgot your skin gonna change.
You try to be feisty. What you do?
You get a lion on your thigh.
Be like, "Who that?" You be like, "Simba."
You get older. "Who that?"
You be like, "Mufasa."
Be about to die. "Who that?"
You be like, "Scar."
You get in the grave.
"Who that?" "The hyenas."
Girl, you got The Lion King on your thigh.
Your tattoo gonna change.
My auntie get mad when I tell this one,
but to me,
it looked like her tattoo changed.
My auntie were young. She was 30.
She got a picture of Jesus praying
on her chest like this.
When she turned 40,
Jesus' hands were like this.
When she turned 50, Jesus got confused.
When she turned 60,
Jesus has jumped back on the cross.
Speaking of Jesus, if you believe
in Jesus, say, "Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay!"
Ay! Ay! Ay!
If you don't and you got a problem with me
uplifting his name
and you wanna leave, go ahead
'cause I already got your money anyway.
People say they don't believe, but if
you're from where I'm from, the hood,
you gotta believe in Jesus.
People say they don't believe in Jesus
and they don't wanna call his name
till they have that nightmare
where you feel like can't move,
what's the name you call?
And it leave. That's right.
That's what worked for me.
I stuttered one night
and said, "Buddha." It didn't work.
It was something on me.
I said, "Buddha," and it got tighter.
After I seen a picture of Buddha, I say,
"There's problems in my back
in the first place."
I know Jesus is real, man,
'cause Jesus is real to me.
I read about Jesus,
and I believe in Jesus.
'Cause think about this.
People say they don't believe,
but, man, think about his story.
Jesus died for you
and got whooped. I love you to death.
I would've died,
but I don't know about no whoopings.
I can see me trying to die for y'all.
"I'm Kountry Wayne.
I wanna die for the people."
They would have pulled out their whip
and hit me.
"Daddy, I can't do this!"
"Come get your son right now."
"No, we can't do a Bible.
Let's do a magazine."
"Tell 'em I almost did it."
And Jesus so strong, he even know
that what they were about to do,
and he kept walking.
He asked. He was walking with his cross.
He said, "Where are we going?"
They said,
"We're gonna nail you to the cross."
He said,
"Well, I gotta do it for the people."
Oh, sweet Jesus,
lest it would've been me. Ah!
"Listen here."
I be walking with that cross.
I be like, "Where are we going?"
"I said, 'Where are we going?'"
"We're gonna nail your hands
and feet to the cross."
"Y'all going the wrong damn way."
Hell, you know,
I can't even take a paper cut.
And he's so forgiving.
Even after they nailed him to the cross,
what did he say?
"Father, forgive them,
'cause they know not what they do."
Oh, sweet Jesus,
lest it would've been me. Ah!
"Listen here."
"Daddy! Kill 'em dead right now, Daddy."
"Cause an earthquake
and suck 'em into earth."
"They knew what they was doing."
"And rain some peroxide down
for these cuts and burns."
I believe in Jesus.
I know Jesus real
'cause of where I came from,
and I know the reason God blessed me
'cause I made God laugh 'cause I was real.
See, to get blessed,
you gotta be real about your problems.
My grandma didn't want real
when they were growing up.
They won't tell God about their problems.
They lie.
We ain't have no food,
but people come over my grandma's house,
"Y'all want something to eat?"
"Who they gonna eat? Us?"
"We better tell God what's going on."
My grandma wasn't real, man.
We used to go to church.
We ain't ate nothing the night before.
No food. Before we walk in the church,
my grandma telling me and my sisters,
"Don't tell nobody
y'all got nothing to eat at the house."
"It ain't none of their business."
They knew I were hungry
by the way I walked in church.
One day, a lady seen me.
"Baby, are you hungry?"
Before I could say anything,
my grandma snatched me. "No, we good."
I looked at the lady,
I was like, "Ah. Ah."
Gotta be real.
When you're hungry like that
as a child, it's dangerous.
Wherever food at, you're going.
We went to church one time.
Oh my God, I was so hungry.
But they had communion.
I was like, "Oh, thank you, Lord!"
They called all the kids to the front.
I was like, "Move! Move! Move! Move!"
But we got to the front, and they had
my uncle Richard playing Jesus.
I didn't care. I was just hungry.
So Uncle Richard gave all of us
a piece of bread. I was about to eat it,
but he messed me up. He was like,
"This is my flesh." I was like, "Hmm.
I looked at the other kids like,
"Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh."
"Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh."
I put his flesh in my pocket.
Then he gave us some juice.
I say, "At least I can drink. I'm thirsty"
I took a sip.
He was like, "This is my blood."
I said
"Where the antibiotics?"
Keep it real, man.
I know Jesus real, man.
I know Jesus real
'cause where I really come from, boy,
people don't know my real
they don't know my story.
How many of y'all been following me
since I first started on Facebook?
I can tell you all the truth now.
I was selling drugs the whole time.
Me and my daddy sold dope together
from 2010 to 2016.
Some daddy he was.
2016, this is when I knew Jesus was real.
2016, I had went viral
on Facebook so much,
people were calling me to do comedy shows.
I had a quarter kilo of cocaine left.
That's nine ounces.
We call it the quarter brick.
If the police in here,
I don't know what I'm talking about.
To all the church people who be like,
"I can't believe Wayne sold cocaine,"
don't judge me, 'cause my cocaine
I cut my dope so bad.
I sold rerock.
My dope was so cut,
my cousin got pulled over one time.
They said, "The dog pulled up
and was confused." He be like, "Ruff?"
But 2016, I had
a quarter kilo of cocaine left, man.
I gave it away
to all the dudes hustling for me.
I said, "You get two ounces, three ounces.
Y'all can have it."
"Y'all ain't even got to pay me
'cause God came and got me."
"He gonna get you too."
"He just got me first."
I gave it all away.
I shook my daddy's hand.
Went to my daddy's girlfriend's house,
I shook his hand.
I say, "Daddy, I quit. See you
on the other side. I'm legit now."
That were January 2016. I quit.
Don't clap yet.
The next day, I was on the way
to a show in Brunswick, Georgia.
That's by Savannah, Georgia.
Me and my brother heard a knock.
Guess who it was?
The feds!
"God, you mustn't hear
when I said I quit yesterday."
"Your angels in heaven
ain't send you the messages."
But in order to be great, you gotta
be grateful. I wasn't complaining.
"I'm glad God brought me this far."
"At least, when I get out of prison,
I'll be able to do comedy shows."
I knew I was going to prison.
I said, "Somebody snitched."
"I got trafficking cocaine."
I'm finna get ten years and do five.
I walked to the door
with my hands behind my back.
I got to the door. The federal agents say,
"Are you Wayne Colley?" I say, "Yes."
He say, "We're looking for your dad,
Vincent Colley."
I said, "Ooh, thank you, Jesus!"
I closed the door. I called my daddy.
I say, "Daddy, they got you."
That was 2016. My daddy got out 2020.
He work with me now.
Jesus is powerful, you feel?
And when I was in the streets,
one thing about it, I ain't never snitch.
I ain't never snitch, never.
Never. But let me tell y'all
what happened one time.
No, I ain't snitched, but what happened,
when I first graduated school,
I had my oldest son, Tony,
had my second son, Temar, on the way.
So all my friends
were going to college and stuff,
but I needed a job right then.
My uncle was a big-time drug dealer.
He had all the weed.
He offered me a job.
"Nephew, I'll pay you $1,000 a week
to ride with me,
go pick up my weed every week."
I say, "Oh, thank you, God."
He said, "But if we get pulled over,
you just take the charge."
I say, "Hold up. What did you say?"
He say, "No, I'm out on parole."
"So if I take the charge,
I'm going back to prison."
"If you take the charge,
it's your first time."
"They let you out on probation."
I say, "So you want me
to ride with you every week
to pick up the weed,
but if we get pulled over,
I take the charge."
"You gonna pay me $1,000,
but I take the charge."
"It's my first time.
They gonna let me out on probation."
He be like, "Yeah."
I say, "Can you put that in parentheses
or something?"
Man, I took that job. Y'all know me.
I'm so petty. I was being arrogant
with my friends who went to college.
"Y'all need to get y'all a career."
"I'm making $1,000 a week right now."
Man, this was the best job in the world.
He used to give me $1,000
to put in my pocket before every trip.
For 14 months, ain't nothing go wrong.
"I'm just getting free money.
He's stupid."
Till one day, he was driving,
and he leaned up like this.
I say, "What's wrong?"
"The police behind us."
I say, "Oh, is they behind both of us?"
"Yeah, but we get pulled over,
you know what time it is."
I say, "Yeah, it's 12 o'clock."
He arguing with me.
He done messed around and swerved.
The police pulled us over.
Now, he told me, I listened to him,
"Nephew, when the police
come to the window, just be still."
I took that literally.
The police came. I did just like this.
The police knew something was wrong.
He told us to get out the car.
He had us side of the road.
I'm talking to myself the whole time.
I say, "I knew I should've
God dern quit this job. God dern."
But I had to man up.
So the police went to the trunk.
He had the key.
I knew the weed was there.
The police opened the trunk.
I heard the trunk go
I had a slight stroke
right there on the side of the road.
But I woke up. I had to man up.
I had to tell myself,
"Man, my uncle been paying me $1,000."
"I got $1,000 in my pocket for this trip.
I can't I can't punk out now."
But the game had changed.
The police looked in the trunk.
He say, "Whoo! Y'all got pounds
of marijuana and crack cocaine."
I say, "Hold up.
That weren't on my application."
He looking at me. "Everything good."
"No, it ain't. This man said crack.
We gotta take this back."
"You gonna give me a 401K or something."
Even though it crack cocaine, I'm green.
"Well, it my first time.
They gonna let me out on probation."
But the game changed again.
The police say, "Whoo! Whoever own this
gonna at least do ten years in prison."
I say, "Oh my God."
I reached in my pocket and got
that $1,000 he had paid me for that trip,
and I passed it to my uncle
just like this.
He looked at me like, "What's up?"
I said, "I quit."
Police told us to get up. I stood up.
I was jumping up and down like a free man
'cause I don't work for that company
over there no more.
The police went to my uncle. "Is this
your pounds of marijuana and crack?"
My uncle shook his head.
I say, "You shaking your head
the wrong way, buddy."
The police asked me. "Is this your pounds
of marijuana and crack cocaine?"
I say, "I swear on Jesus,
I don't even have a job!"
He say, "If one of y'all
don't take the charge,
both of y'all going down."
I say, "Oh, Officer, I'm from the streets.
You can't trick me."
"I know what you trying to do."
"You trying to get me
to snitch on my uncle."
He went to jail.
And my auntie got mad. She talking about,
"Wayne, why you ain't take the charge?"
"He finna go back to prison
and do seven years."
"You was gonna do two years.
You could've laid down for two years."
I say, "I ain't even that sleepy."
I said, "My health teacher say
I only need eight hours sleep."
Hey, I take a nap.
Shout out to all my white brothers
and sisters in here. I'm glad y'all came.
Y'all can learn from us.
For everybody who watches this special
and who ain't here tonight,
you can learn
the reason why Black don't crack.
'Cause we don't worry about stuff
y'all worry about, like bills.
If we don't got it, we just ain't got it.
See, we ain't finna stress over no bill.
If I ain't got it, I ain't got it.
My white brothers and sisters,
You let bill collectors threaten you!
Don't let no bill collector threaten you!
Bill collector can't threaten
no Black person.
Bill collector tried to threaten me.
"If you don't
have your payment by the 15th,
we gonna put it on your credit report."
I was like, "Ooh!"
"My credit report!"
"Like I can't put it
in somebody else's name."
"I got ten kids.
I could do this for generations."
My white brothers and sisters,
certain bills ain't even real to us.
Like a student loan. Uh, what's that?
We was students when we got that money.
I'm grown now.
"What about the interest?" I be like,
"I'm not even interested in that."
They be like, "What do you plan on doing
with the loan? Defer it?"
"Like you been doing for 15 years."
"Let's go for 15 more."
Like, certain bills ain't real to us.
Like a hospital bill. What's that?
"I ain't sick no more."
When I go to the emergency room,
I tell them,
"If you ain't catch me by the exit door,
you missed your opportunity."
"Stop wasting paper
sending the bill in the mail."
"Go green. Save the trees."
My white brothers and sisters,
you too nice when it come to bills.
Y'all get three car notes behind,
what y'all do?
Y'all take the car back to the dealership.
Y'all apologize.
"I'm sorry. I'm three car notes behind."
"I can't pay it. You can have it." What?!
Black people,
we get three car notes behind,
uh, you better come find it.
They created tow trucks for us.
We park that car at somebody else's house
and walk to it every morning for work.
"There go a tow truck.
They think they're slick."
"You ain't about to get this car back with
this new black-ice air freshener in here."
"The air freshener
ain't even went all the way out yet."
My white brothers and sisters,
you worry too much.
When your engine light come on
in your car, you take the car to the shop.
The car ain't tore all the way up yet.
Black people, our car got to blow up.
We take our car to the shop, we ask them,
"How much to get that light turned off?"
"I know my car's smoking,
but that's not what's wrong with it."
"If you get in the dashboard and twist
the bulb, it'll fix the whole car."
"I ain't worried about my transmission.
That keep me up in the morning."
We ain't scared of no light.
We used to be scared of the gas light,
but they messed up.
They start making these cars that show you
how many miles you got to E.
Now the gas light'd be on,
but it'd show you,
"You got 45 miles to E."
You be like,
"Hell, I'll go to work all week off this."
We'll put a post on social media.
"Y'all, look what God been doing."
"The gas light on, and I'm still rolling."
"Jesus done took the wheel."
Now, Black people, I'm embarrassed.
There's one light in our car we shouldn't
our brake light.
Come on, we gonna kill somebody.
Ain't no excuse
for your brakes to go out no more
'cause your brakes talk to you
like a human before they go.
Before your brakes go to scrubbing,
what they say?
- Eee.
- Eee.
"This is a warning."
Black people,
our brakes gotta cuss us out.
"I been squeaking for three months."
"I'm so angry at you."
"I'mma show out when you take
your little boy to school."
"I'm in your rotors."
Then when our brakes get to scrubbing,
that's when we get embarrassed.
When our brakes scrubbing, when we pull up
somewhere, we try to pat the brakes, like
"Let me turn the radio up
so they won't hear this."
The radio inside the car.
They still gonna hear it on the outside.
And don't pull up to no light
and see somebody we know.
If our brakes scrubbing,
we don't give a damn if that light red.
"I'mma run this damn light right here."
"Ain't about to talk about me on
Instagram. Hashtag 'little scrub, scrub.'"
This is real stuff, man. I keep it real.
People ask me, they say,
"Wayne, man, how you came up
with stand-up comedy
so fast off the Internet?"
I say, "Because I know Black people."
"I know Black people
like the back of my hand."
That why everybody think everybody racist.
They just don't know us.
The government don't know Black people.
This when I knew they didn't know
Black people. When they put on the news,
they say, "Most of the crab legs
are gone out of the ocean."
And they don't know where they went at.
They dipped in Old Bay.
They don't even know us.
They don't know why Black History Month
used to really be Black History Month.
The reason Black History Month
used to be really Black History Month
is 'cause income tax
used to really drop around that time.
People don't know.
Black people, income tax is a ritual.
When we get our taxes,
we don't care where we at.
We stopping what we doing right then.
When that money hit our account,
we work over at the hospital
putting a man on a bed.
That money hit our account, we like, "Oh!"
"Call my lawyer. I'm rich now."
That income tax check
have you walking into work
looking for the supervisor.
"Now, what you saying all year now?"
"I don't really need this job.
I'm investing now."
They don't
they don't even know us for real, man.
But that's why
I don't really like taxes, man,
because we used to get
a car every January.
Used to get repo'd every April.
They used to call us the PTF,
the Paper Tag Family.
That why I don't like going
to the car dealership. I don't like
Brother, you ever went
to the car dealership
and the guy told you you approved?
You ain't gotta worry about nothing.
He done told you take the stuff out
the used car and put it into the new car.
You took a picture with the car
and put it on social media.
"Look what God done did."
The same guy that told you
you was approved, what did he do, brother?
After you've been there all day,
he comes to the parking lot.
"Um, let me talk to you
for a minute, please."
"Um, do you got somebody
that'd cosign for you?"
"Oh, you don't? Okay."
Uh, can you put the stuff back
into the old car, if you don't mind?"
"Yeah, step into my office.
Get in the building."
- What did he do when he get in the office?
- He take a deep breath.
"I called every bank in America."
"Did you try my bank? Bank of America?"
"We called them first.
They say, 'Hell naw.'"
"What about Chase?"
"Yeah, they say they been chasing you
for eight years."
"What about Wells Fargo?"
"Well, that's as far as you gonna go."
Damn, brother, you laughing with me
or at me? Which one is it?
Gotta keep it real, man.
That why credit mess you up.
Credit mess you up.
That why I don't like going to Macy's.
Back in the day, I went to Macy's.
My credit score was on the floor.
My credit score
was a Bible verse. John 3:16.
I was trying to pay for my socks,
cash money.
At the counter, what the lady say?
"Like to apply for a Macy's credit card?"
"No, 'cause I already know my situation.
Let's run this."
I don't like being embarrassed,
when they deny me in front of people.
She say, "Um, well, no,
even if you don't get approved,
you still get 25% off."
"Run it."
Soon as I didn't get approved,
what she do?
Shake her head in front of everybody.
"It didn't go through.
Stop shaking your head right now."
"I told you it weren't gonna go through.
I ain't wanna think about this."
Then she play with my intelligence.
"That didn't mean you didn't get approved.
They gonna send you a letter in the mail."
"I already know
what the letter gonna say!"
"The letter gonna say I'm a failure."
Keep it real, man.
All these beautiful women,
all these baby mamas.
The mothers are
the queens of the children.
I love my baby mamas, but child support
just make me look at 'em different.
My first baby mama, she get
about $15,000 a month child support.
On God.
My ex-wife get about the same.
Just for them two,
I'm paying $30,000 a month.
I ain't never
thought about killing nobody,
but I've thought about
cutting some brake lines. I swear to God.
No, I wouldn't do that for real.
Cut my baby mama's brake lines,
I go to jail, kids won't have no parents.
I won't do that for real. Come on, now.
Does anybody here wanna make
an extra fifteen hundred dollars?
Stop playing. I'm in D.C.
Somebody be like,
"Wayne, anything for you, my boy."
I ain't gonna lie, man.
My mind kind of twisted.
During Covid,
my baby mama caught Covid bad.
She couldn't breathe. I took
my daughter home. She was on the sofa.
I looked at her. I was like, "Oh!"
"This might be it."
"Well, I can't step in God's way."
"Let God's will be done."
I love to make y'all couples laugh, man,
'cause I ain't gonna lie, man.
I love relationships. Don't get it wrong
just 'cause I ain't in one.
I love it. Relationships are beautiful.
But one of the other main reasons
why I'm single right now, for real,
because, man, women done got too freaky.
Like, I'm 35 years old,
but I'm still old school in the bedroom.
I only got four moves. That's it.
From the side, hit you from the back,
you on top of me, I'm on top of you.
If that ain't enough, go to sleep.
Not finna look for your spot all night.
You know where it's at. You find it.
Your spot moving every week
'cause you're using that rose vibrator.
Now you got nerve damage.
Now your spot done move from here.
Now it's over in your hip.
Now I got to move it back round.
"I ain't even now where it went."
Women done got too freaky.
Brother, do you know
women like to get choked now?
A girl told me one night
she said, "Wayne, please choke me."
I be like, "Okay, I'm from the streets.
I'll put my hand round your neck, but"
She was like, "No, choke me harder."
I was like, "Okay."
I was like, "We might need to record this,
'cause I don't want this
to hit The Shade Room,
Wayne right here choking."
She said,
"No, I like it. Please, choke me."
I choked her so hard, I fainted. I'm like
Women done got too freaky.
Oh, and I don't even like when women
I only like women going down there
no more. No, I only like that.
'Cause they got the new thing
called sloppy toppy.
You know what I'm talking about.
Who started that? When they be
spitting everywhere, just spitting, just
Then be looking at you
like they're right here.
I be like, "I just wanna knee you
in your nose right now."
When they run out of spit,
they got the nerve to be like
"What was you about to do with that?"
"Go to the bathroom right now
and spit it out."
"Girl, I know you ain't on me."
Women got You gotta watch
what you eat before you go down there.
Girl ate some soul food one time.
I looked down there.
I seen a piece of collard green.
Women done got too freaky. You know why
everybody done got too freaky?
As soon as we hear something
in a song, we wanna try it.
That's why I hate
when that girl said this years ago.
Gotta eat the booty like grocery
Everybody came out,
"I been doing it. How about you?"
I ain't ate no booty like grocery. Never!
Brother, look at me all you want.
I ain't never
eating no booty like grocery.
Except for one time on accident.
It was a mistake. I ain't mean to.
I was at the top,
and I caught a cramp in my neck.
I dipped, and it hit my tongue a little.
I be like,
"That taste like bologna. What is that?"
"That taste like 50 rubber bands.
What is that?"
"That taste like ear wax. It's tangy."
Brother, you laughing?
All right, keep doing it. Keep doing it.
You gonna go to the mirror
and see a mole popped up on your tongue.
You go to the doctor and be like, "That's
not a mole. That's a piece of dookie."
"Don't marinade on your tongue.
Now you need tongue surgery."
Fellas, tell me, why do you eat
the booty like grocery? Why?
If you seen the way your woman really
boo-boo, you would leave her right now.
Not that cute boo-boo
she do in front of you.
Bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo.
No, when you leave the house,
she turn into a man named Charles.
She be like
"He can't catch me like this."
"What time he coming home? Ooh,
let me put this vein back in my head."
You don't even know her for real.
Eating no booty like grocery, no, man.
Scares me.
They're crazy, man.
I told I told my grandma
I say, "I wasn't even gonna
tell y'all this about Pastor Williams
right here, but,
Last thing I gotta say, man, another
reason I don't like Pastor Williams
'cause he be lying to the church to get
their money about the miracles he can do.
He lied to my cousin Pierre.
My cousin Pierre I told you about.
My cousin Pierre in a wheelchair.
One month, he would ask me
for a lot of money back to back.
I was like, "Cuz, what you doing
with your social security check?"
He be like, "I been giving
all my money to Pastor Williams."
I said, "For what?"
He said, "Pastor Williams say
God gonna help me walk again."
I say, "Probably in heaven,
but not here on earth."
So Pierre went to Pastor Williams
and asked.
He say, "Man, Wayne say you playing me.
You ain't gonna help me walk again."
He say, "Pastor Williams told me
to come to church Sunday."
"That's when the miracle gonna happen."
So this Sunday,
I couldn't wait to go to church
to see what the hell
Pastor Williams gonna pull off.
I go to church.
Pierre, he's sitting
in the aisle, just ready.
Pastor Williams get up preaching.
He said, "Today,
God is gonna bless a brother
who's been investing in
the Holy Tabernenacuna Church."
He say, "Brother Pierre,
roll to the front."
Before Pierre rolled to the front,
he looked at me, like
Pierre rolled to the front.
He got up there. He turned around.
Pastor Williams said, "Today,
this brother right here
is gonna be blessed."
He say, "I'mma stand him up,
and on the count of three,
I'm gonna let him go,
and he gonna walk again."
I said, "What you say?"
"I'mma stand him up,
and on the count of three,
I'mma let him go,
and he gonna walk again."
So Pastor Williams
stood my cousin Pierre up,
but when he stood him up,
his legs was still doing this.
I say, "If God gonna do this miracle,
he better hurry up, 'cause
this is gonna look like
it gonna make it to the New Testament."
Pastor Williams say, "One,"
and Pierre kind of did like this.
I say, "Oh hell."
He said, "Two,"
and Pierre slid his feet together.
I say, "If Pastor William do this,
he can have all my damn money."
He said, "Three,"
and Pierre hit the floor.
The miracle didn't work.
But I was glad the miracle didn't work,
'cause I knew Pastor Williams gonna try
to do something to get out of this bind.
I was glad the family could finally see
Pastor Williams ain't right.
"What are you gonna try to do
to get out of this bind right here?"
Before I could say anything,
Pastor Williams came and grabbed Pierre
and threw him on the floor again.
He say, "You gotta crawl before you walk!"
It's crazy, man.
Pastor Williams ain't right, man.
I remember one time, I went home,
I went home,
and I took my grandma to the Dairy Queen.
Every time I go home,
I take my grandma to the Dairy Queen.
I seen Pastor Williams in the parking lot.
"Brother Wayne, let me talk to you
for a minute."
I say, "What you want, Pastor Williams?"
He said, "I heard you was in town."
"I want you to come down
to the church Sunday
so you can talk to the youth and tell them
how you came from a negative situation
and made a positive living out your life."
I said, "All right,
I'll talk to the youth."
I went that Sunday. Pastor Williams got me
in front of the church.
He said, "Y'all, this is brother Wayne.
Some of y'all know him as Kountry Wayne."
"Mr. Swag riding everything."
"And, uh oh!"
I say, "What the hell wrong with you?"
He say, "The spirit done hit me."
He say, "Whoa!"
I say, "What the spirit say?"
He say, "Whoa!"
He say, "The spirit say
brother Kountry Wayne
is about to give the church $100,000."
I say, "Whoa!"
He say, "What's wrong?"
I say, "The spirit done hit me."
I say, "Whoa!"
He say, "What the spirit say?"
I say, "Whoa!"
I say, "The spirits say
hell no to the no-no-no!"
Hey, D.C., that's my time, man.
I appreciate y'all.
I love y'all.
I appreciate y'all
coming to see a real one.
And before I leave, I gotta say this, man.
Don't judge nobody,
'cause you don't know
what they been through.
And Solomon said in the Bible
He say, "Don't be too holy
and don't be too wicked."
He say, "Stay somewhere in the middle,"
so I tell everybody, "Don't judge me,
'cause I ain't Kirk Franklin,
but I ain't Lil Boosie either."
Tonight, every woman out there
who keep their house clean,
y'all give it up for yourselves.
You keep your house clean.
But I gotta say,
to the women with the dirty houses
got the best coochies.
Love y'all. Y'all be good. Go on.
I put your picture on my mirror
Start to blush
When somebody says your name
In my stomach, there's a pain
See you walk in my direction
I go the other way
I start to stutter when I speak
Try to stand but my knees go weak
What's happening to me?
In the dark
Can you tell me what it means?
I lay my head on my pillow
Staring out the window
Wish on a star for a sign
The reason why
You're always on my mind
When you come around I get shy
-Baby, when I see you
-See you
When I see you
Baby, when I
Never know when you might walk by