Kummeli kultakuume (1997) Movie Script

Kulokoski, isn't it a nice day?
What are you talking about?
-Give me a cigarette
Ask nicely
May I have a cigarette?
You won't
May I Now have a cigarette?
You said that I
can't have a cigarette
Why I can't have a cigarette?
Because smoking's forbidden here
Just a little one
Oh? Just that
Devil's devil! Hell's arse!
Don't use "hell's devil"
Arctic fox's shit found in our pit
Whole summer and
just half an ounce of gold
With that can get a starter soup
from Pohjahovi already, after which -
mr butler already points to the exit
Kyrp-Jooseppi (Cock-Joseph),
what've you got?
Can't find, no
But next to that ditch
the gold vain goes
How do you know that?
I have that kind of feeling on my arse
How does your arse know it?
I just have that kind of an arse
Er-Jorma (Backwood-Joe),
have you noticed -
that Kyrp-Jooseppi shits at his own pole?
So what?
We are shitting at the outhouse
What then?
-I mean, why?
I guess it's because he has
such a special arse
(in German) Look there,
two gold-diggers
I doubt they have found nothing
They've been here for a long time
There is also a third man.
There. Taking shit
Taking shit?
Weird guy. There is an outhouse
just next to.
Countryside men. We should go and say hi
We need to meet such comical men
Klasu, stay!
Tell me, what is wrong
with Hautamki? Broman
Well, psychodynamically he is insane
There are more manias than
all other patients combined -
and impulse-control, hey,
that is really poor
Probably the worst in the North-Calotte
At times he is rather charming -
or in some way rather nice.
-Kulokoski continues
Last summer, when we tried to
organize a midsummer party, -
that satanic crazy
screwed up himself -
to a flagpole.
That was a human lock.
Four days in the rain -
twisted his arms and legs
It was a katatonic forced posture
Whole Hautamki-clan is
full of forest people
What caused the conflict
at this year's midsummer?
Who says?
-You say
No you say.
-Okay, I will
Well, he wasn't given cigarette
Boys, boys, this is not going anywhere
This is not going anywhere, goddammit
Kakelper's boys, retailers get -
4000 boxes of liver casserole and
they all include -
a surprise arranged by you:
a condom, goddammit
Soon my name is printed
on tabloids, goddammit
And there are Korean niggers
on their way here -
to see model for a food factory,
You have been two months in
apprenticeship, -
and if I had the authority,
not the county officials, -
I would have kicked you out
already after the first week
Get out of there
Now, Jnssi and Dille, -
let's make a deal
You may only be at
the dispatch platform -
and smoke cigarettes, -
and talk bullshit as so far, -
but you don't do any work
Thanks, mister sub-manager
It is a matter of chance,
at what mood one happens to wake up
Can't expect much from a man,
who's been howling moon all childhood -
and been running around fells nude
all juvenile years. -And dick swinging out
And now he's just raving all night.
-What's he raving about?
He has an obsession for gold.
Gold-obsession. -Insane person's
dream of gold-treasure
In it's own way it is fascinating
Wouldn't it be better if we all three
didn't go there?
Broman stays outside
That's what I was just thinking,
that I stay here outside
Broman stays outside
Good day, Hautamki
May I have a cigarette?
Kulokoski, did anybody hurt bad?
Hautamki should know, -
that it does hurt,
when hit hard
Could this shirt be removed
now already?
Let's just keep the shirt on Hautamki
Well, what was that interesting?
It was damn good
that you didn't come in
Strong medication shall be continued
Broman will watch Hautamki over night
The case will be reviewed again tomorrow
Just so
I have two more days
and then I will go to Ibiza
What could happen anymore?
Hey Dille
What now?
Shall we go in?
I assume it is clear to everyone
what we are going to do
Last bets are still accepted
Still accepted
With what size bet Kari is in?
I don't want to be in
to this in any way
Well, then you don't need to watch either
Let's begin
Ready-dy, set-te, go
set-te, go
Why did he have to go
look for that Alice?
Don't tell me
you are going drinking?
How so?
-Drinking's not allowed here
Boys, you are asking for trouble
Lasse, Lasse
Hmm, what's up now?
When are we going?
Oh, listen, dear,
you are rather nice, -
but not exactly my type
Moreover I am going to Ibiza, -
and how can I know,
are you speaking true?
If you are not you,
then it is somebody else
Come here
I don't want to talk here
Come on here now
Come here, right next to me.
Come on. This way
See... No need to be afraid
Goddamn, these are sweet
I can feel, listen,
gold-diggers' pickaxes' strokes -
and smell their sweat
It smells, hear me,
just plain shit
Now we are going already
And here, here is our
famous meatball oven
which makes 13,000
meatballs per hour
And the next place, where
we are going to is here
I suggest we don't go
to the dispatch area, -
because last night there's been
a terrible hassle there
Of course we go there
And this is our glory and
pride. The delivery room
Oh, shit
No way, boys, goddammit,
this is not going anywhere
Everything is at end.
You need to leave
Hey submanager, do you think that
when butterfly's dung beetle has -
been on the watch next to
elephant's arse for weeks, -
it didn't know that one it
is going to fly off -
to hell when the elephant farts.
It's going to build a house there
Hey submanager, don't start
to give birth here -
when Dille is speaking.
Hey, may I drive Aspen?
Why not
Autoradio plays:
"Titanic, iron shell..."
Should I buy glasses?
-I don't know
Should you drive?
-I don't know
I think you drive fucking well
Goddammit, kneecap
Where the hell is Hautamki?
Towards where we shall drive to?
Keep driving
May I have a cigarette?
That's what I was thinking,
that now we must -
go and get you cigarettes.
(In Swedish:) That must we do
(Car radio plays:)
"I look at deserted sandbeach"
"Thoughts of mine travel far"
"Here with you"
"I once get to be, just two of us"
"I look at the deserted sandbeach"
"the most beautiful memories they are"
"the summerday when
I get to be the luckiest"
"I look at the deserted sandbeach..."
"Thoughts of mine travel far"
Hey, can you drive while
I put on some makeup?
Hey hey, what did just happen?
I guess we ran out of petrol
How do I drive this?
Never know who comes to visit
Hey Dille!
What the hell stroke us?
-Looks like Seat Malaga
Would it better if you drove?
-Why so?
I might faint.
-Yes I can drive
Fuck, my shirt ripped.
-The dices flew to hell
Oh terrible, what a wreck
Terrible wreck and where
is my other shoe?
Was that ke Blomqvist?
Hautamki, Hautamki,
where is my make-up comb?
Hautamki is dead! And
look at my Seat Malaga
You are murderers!
Look at Dille's Aspen
I feel like my skull is loose.
-I see
A little bit feels on forehead
May I have a cigarette?
-Of course
May I sit down?
-Go ahead
Thank you. You are nice gentlemen
I value good manners, -
although I myself am from a madhouse.
-So are we
My family is from up north.
You happen to know Kyrp-Jooseppi?
We don't.
-He was my father
We are on our way to his
gold cache with Broman
Broman is my nurse from the madhouse
Boys, hasn't it been a nice day?
-Yes. Pretty legendary
Broman is gay by the way.
No need to care about it
Join us to the gold rapids
There should be enough for everyone
I'm not so much after gold,
but that Broman
He is so greedy for everything
that shines. He is like a magpie
Now he woke up.
Hautamki, don't tell me
you told them -
about our secret to those dudes?
Don't be inconsiderate.
These are nice buddies
This is Dille and Jns.
-Good day
Don't believe him, he is insane
I mean totally crazy
Well then. Here we are. Police.
I'm going to run away
Hey Dille, what shall we do?
I guess we run away too
Run and catch them!
Perkele! (Damn it!)
Catch them.
Push them down to ground
Give fist, but gently!
Damn, there goes one
A lovely chase
There goes another!
One more there
Catch them
Oh no. Have I done something
personal to you?
Nothing personal.
I'm just doing my job
Oh like a honeybee?
-Like an ant
We don't really have desire
to prosecute Broman
Resignment papers are already submitted
We don't care where he goes
Let him calm down in
the jail for awhile
Do you know these Kakelberg twins?
What men are they?
Kakelberg-family's tragic story
It is familiar to all from 60's.
All magazines wrote about it
Mother died, father sent the kids
to reformatory and went his own way
Boys were tried to be integrated
into the society already in 70's
Now they are in the ministry of
labour's job training experiment
The previous place,
Ponso's sawmill, burnt -
and the owners got nothing
from their insurance
They shot themselves
Yesterday they got kicked out
from the foodfactory -
and over there guns had
started to bang as well
I'm tired of this,
but let's let it be
Let's just handle
all this paperwork, -
then we can return to the
madhouse with Hautamki
What sort of mental illness
makes man to love tree so much?
Hey Broman, we need to
have a negotiation
Go away, go away you rats
Hey do gays always
let go so easily?
Listen now, stinky baldhead, it
doesn't belong to good manners to -
talk to people like that,
and secondly, we don't let
Furthermore, I am very
unyielding gay
Hey Broman! Do you want
Donald Duck -drink?
We could offer
I don't know. I really don't
Where you going? -I'm going
to fix our windshield
Oh well, it's maybe
not criminal offense -
but it almost is though
The problem is that how to
get him out. -I don't know
It is a problem.
If I go, I have no chance
Yes I know.
Your profession is vandal -
and it causes problems to you.
-Of course not
Dille hey
Just like this!
And my condition is that
we need to act attractively -
and discreetly
You think we are amateurs?
No, but if something happens,
I won't be taking part
What's smelling here?
This is BX's windshield.
How much this cost?
Is it necessary to do this
just like this? -Yes
Have to act silently.
Seppo is at nightshift
Could you just shut up?
Oh well, it got loose
Shut up
Very noisy. Probably nobody heard
Shut up
I see, I'll go to the car then
Oh how terrible
I was just fretting, when
I was watching your drilling...
...that I haven't met you before
Good day
Mr Jnssi, I didn't know, -
that you are such a caveman
By the way where comes the name Jns?
Is it like John, John Wayne?
My real name is James
It comes from James Dean.
By James Dean
Well what is Dille then?
-My real name is Dean
Also comes from James Dean?
-No. From Dean Martin
Lapland's rather large region
I was just wondering, -
that where exactly is
this gold-treasure located?
Stop the car! -Stop the car!
What now?
-We will camp here
What goddammit?
Elmeri, Elmeri, come and
eat so you have energy
I'm not so hungry.
Broman, do you know what
kind of person is insane?
You mean that do I know
how it is to be crazy?
But do you know
how it is to be insane?
(more gibberish)
Do more
Roll. Look to the sky
Roll, roll.
-Is this good?
Now he left. -Who?
Hautamki. He runs there on the field
So what?
He really went?
Somebody's moving there in the dark
I am sure that
we will never get out of here
No Hautamki, no gold,
and I won't ever make it to Ibiza
It's your fault
Dude, now shut up
That's what you always say, when
I try to explan something. -Be quiet!
I was just saying...
With all respect, mr. Broman -
but I'm not going to
eat any bag-soups
Think about this
Whole elephant herd
died to elephant-plague
One carrion fly arrives to the scene
What does it do? Does it
go to tell his friends?
I don't believe so
Not so
It thinks that it was pure luck
It enjoys a meal, and if it
has energy it goes -
to inform others,
that the bar is open
You understand, do you?
I didn't know that you are
such a philosopher mr Dille
Like a new age Friedrich Nietzche.
I've got, boys, a little bit
sad things to tell
Broman, you don't likely know -
but my life-doctor told that
I have one month left to live
What? No way
I have a dream and I would like -
that you realized it with me
What we need to do?
I have lived my whole life
lived in treatment facilities -
and I would just like to
live normal life -
live an average person
in the society
Be normal like you are
Mr Broman -
let's go
Left and then right
I guess we are approaching
the gold-treasure
Oh my goodness... Elmeri!
Oh, Elmeri!
What the hell is this now?
Be quiet. The man is marked by death
I guess those nice chicks
are Hautamki's relatives
The dying has come to meet
them for the last time
Fr den sista gngen. Frstr du?
Do you understand? Show some respect -
if you have any left. I can't
What is that dude explaining about?
You got plenty of space here.
I can clearly see -
that there are no men in the house.
I have also always wanted -
to get and be a maid to
a countryhouse like this
Shut up. Includes also Broman
Just like this!
But day by day Elmeri becomes -
more and more like Kyrp-Jooseppi
Oh you
Kyrp-Jooseppi, Elmeri's dad,
he was my and Lyyli's brother
Elmeri never met Kyrp-Jooseppi -
but tell me,
what have you been doing?
So pretty and nice to see
these people with you
Aren't you introducing at all?
Sorry now, lovely aunts.
This is Dille, he is philosopher
Jnssi is mine digger -
and mental nurse
Janne Petteri Broman -
he is solid gay.
-Not completely
Janne, do you want egg salad?
-Of course
Is there any possibility
to get more salt?
We are going to get Jooseppi's gold
I haven't said anything bad about it
May I ask -
is the story about Jooseppi's
gold even a true story -
or is it Hautamki family's -
so called funny story thingy
or something?
Listen now mr Purman
Don't you come and
challenge us with such
We go the backyard and
I will show you something.
Jeses, thanks for the food
So you haven't heard anything
about Kyrp-Jooseppi (Cock-Joseph)?
Then you don't know Naamap (Facehead)
or Er-Jorma (Backwood-Jorma) either
They were such hubbies
that you don't find today
Purmani, do you know what this is?
Well, it is truly old car
This is the German war era SUV
It's that Kgelwagen, familiar from "High Heels"
Himmel, dive
What does this have to with Kyrp-Jooseppi?
Damned damn, hell's contraption
What levitated you too here?
(march-song Erika plays in the background)
(the song ends)
(in German) Good day, Finnish friends
How is it going?
Do you want to go for a ride?
That's not all
Jooseppi's coffin laid upright
in that cabin. The year was '44
Naamap and Er-Jorma didn't
care but left the coffin, -
the remains of Jooseppi and car,
and head to the sea
Since then those hubbies haven't been -
heard or seen.
I doubt they are alive either
Jooseppi rests under that rowan tree
Mother washed up the corpse,
because it had crapped
Do you know Ruumanni, -
that if there was gold found
in the gold-digger's crap, -
wouldn't he be quite a gold-digger?
-Real tough
I hope you, Elmeri, got the nuggets intact?
-Well yes, of course
You have kept the memory of your father
haven't you? -Yes
Was there, Broman, any questions left?
Shall we go back to eat?
Keep yourselves men.
Here are pies for you
And watch that Roomanni takes too
Now that Elmeri tells
the sad news to the aunts
Elmeri, are you still crazy?
-I am
Oh, how tragic
Well, that is good.
What do you say?
You may be right.
It's perfectly clear
What's the point of releasing
such madman through the wall
We won't tell the police.
It's better for the patient, -
if we won't cause any extra hassles
We can take care of this on our own
Two of us aren't capable defeating him
No no! We shall take a big car
and Lasse and Seppo
And go and get complete stunning-set
We take our own car
Hey Broman. Let's start to
calculate, you are a doctor
I'm just a nurse.
-In any case
How much gold there can be in crap?
It depends on how much gold has been eaten
How much gold one can eat?
It depends on how much gold
has been found to be eaten
How much gold one can find to be eaten?
That really can't be known.
-Say something now
Say somehing now. -Fuck,
you don't know nothing about anything
I'm assuming we are driving
the last metres, (in Swedish: last metres)
Mr Broman, you are the most impatient person -
who I've ever seen
Take a look at driver James Kakelberg
You cannot sense any kind of
uncertainty from him
What fucking place is this now?
You moor. This is
an orthodox monastery of men
Can't you see, dying has
come here to clean up, -
to receive the last anointing?
Wear a shirt, you sweating potbelly
Oh goddamnit
...run away from the crowd
Hehe hee he,
he he hee he
He he heehe.
-He he heehe
Hautamki, who is that dude?
Mr Dille, here is the father Aleksei
He is my step brother Aleksei Hautamki
Hi there, hi.
-Can't catch me
God bless you
(Russian talk)
Aha! So that's what this is about.
It's acquired by deceiving.
Won't do any good
You want your share of the gold?
I don't want anything anymore,
I have made my promises
Anything secular doesn't
interest in that way
Take a look now, Elmeri, take a look
During the war the enemy
caught our clock
Nowadays the elder monks don't
hear the sound of the clock nomore -
They fast quite involuntarily.
-Be without eating?
By himself the man himself knows the best
Father Aleksei? -Yes?
May we interfere your holyness?
It is so peaceful here
I have always dreamed
about monastery
Monks are in certain way
gloriously holy, -
forgive me rather.
-No no, that's how it exactly is
No, but I wanted to ask...
-About the gold treasure?
No, I'm not interested in gold
I just wanted to ask -
that how many
Hautamki siblings there are?
Our father, Joosep Hautamki
was very fertile -
and popular man, there are totally -
twenty-four of us siblings.
-Oh terrible
Our father Kyrp-Jooseppi
was very ecumenical buck
Thanks a lot, hey hey
Calling me the Kyysm
A fjell I see sturdy. Well?
What now?
I can't tolerate this,
this doesn't go anywhere
Here we just gad about
the length and breadth ways
Always the same deal.
-Hey Bromanni
Do you think that if coyote
stalks a fowl in the jungle -
that it would work out...?
No, it wouldn't, if it started striking
Yes yes, I don't understand
nothing about anything, -
I don't know anything.
Dear pissheads, -
I wouldn't spend a second
with you unless I had to
And now I will exit for awhile
(Adj) (farewell in Swedish)
Hey Jnssi. The gay lost consciousness.
Are these gentlemen
part of Elmeri's party?
Well those they were. -Yes
The men have a long crime registry
Police is also looking for them
For certain they will
take advantage of Elmeri
In the worst case scenario
they murder him
May the Lord bless!
When I was there with Ruumanni -
I guessed that that man
didn't have all bolts in place
So they are on their way
to north, or?
That's right, to get Jooseppi's gold
But aren't such gold treasures -
complete products of imaginary?
Listen now, girl, let may say some
Don't brisk! -Don't, don't you
But we just want some help.
-Where are they heading to?
We made it!
Well then boys, this is Kautokeino
Paskaknk's gorge
Is there electricity?
Is it possible to blow-dry?
Here my dad, Kyrp-Jooseppi,
accomplished those deeds
If may eyes don't lie -
near that fjell
is my dad's ancient pole
I'm going to get a tent from the car
There's a shovel in the shed probably
I assume that work is begun immediately
For my part I'm going to
satisfy my age-old instincts.
Think about it here
he has been sitting with the naked bum
And yet this is in good condition
And now from there really properly yet hey
Like that, good
And then, hop hop, mars mars
Hey, try to at least look productive
I can't be here all year. Oh terrible
Hot and sweaty
I knew Mombasa
Tau dau da da dau
Fuck I can't recall the lyrics
Hey Jnssi
Do you know how this
gold flushing happens?
In this...like...shake this pan.
That gold remains on the bottom
and those light rocks go to fuck
Do you get it? -Yeah
What are these small birds,
they bite so damn strong?
They are no birds, they are gnats
-Just like this!
Do we have anything? -No
This makes about 20 grams.
-That's all?
How much it makes per arse? -Sh!
Two hundred times ounce...
1,300 marks
But that's a hell of a good,
mindless pile of money
Shall we now leave from here?
What's up with him?
In all probability there was more gold
Sorry mr Dille -
but with your gold flushing skills -
nuggets worth of a stone house
leaked down the downstream.
Could that be?
Hey Dille. -What?
Come outside
That's an old motorcycle handle
Do you happen to know how much
these gadgets might be worth?
Well no. Do you? -I do
(Jns starts singing Halti's wedding song)
Lai lala laila
What is this then?
It's that motorcycle's driver
No ni, this is what I found
This is...hey!...tsidecar Zndappi.
-A what?
known from Commando comics
What's that then?
-It's handyman
Let's see what's here
Oh goddamnit
What? -Oh goddammit
Dille. -Yeah?
Why didn't we take that Dotsi
and get away with it?
We are quite idiots.
We were supposed to be
with that Hautamki, -
when it dies and everything
We are quite shocking idiots
On my behalf this is it
I will go to rebro
to see Tommi-brother
What has happened here?
Where are the skinheads?
Skinheads weigh cycle,
and carry a box
What for? -Worth our while
to drive there beside the road -
and ask from themselves
Hautamki? -Yes?
One bad thing, you ate
your last medicines yesterday
That's interesting. -Just de
Open the trunk,
start the engine
Well, what are your carrying?
Gold. -What?
Tsidecar-Zndappi was
totally loaded with goal. -What?
Zndappi, side
What's this scout camp here?
We've been found,
that's Kulokoski's Volvo
Hautamki, shall we take
this situation peacefully?
Hautamki, fancy a cigarette?
I just did smoke, but thanks
Lasse, take Hautamki to the car
What's this box here?
There's some makeup stuff
Take the gold to the car,
it belongs to the state
No, no, it's mine
I mean we are taking it to the police
Broman, you've been dismissed -
and in any case you've got
nothing to do with this case
Dude calm down. Even the bears
don't rage all the time -
they pull some lingonberries now and then.
Do you understand? -Just like this
Now Hautamki-boy gets a morningshot
Just like this
Just like this
Mistake, mistake, mistake
Rasinkangas' vengeance
will be quite horrible
And now you are against
the whole society system
Mr Broman, you used
wrong pronoun -
not you, but we
Hey, Hautamki. -Well?
How can that sort of gold
be exchanged to cash?
Quite easily but we got
just one problem. -What?
Medicines are gone and
my head will go nuts soon
Hey don't go mad just yet
Let's buy you Aspirin,
Bacimysin or something
Skinheads were clearly
plotting some sort of bump
Why so? -Well do you have any idea -
to what kind of problems
that amount of gold can lead?
You can't even sell it.
-You are ungrateful clown
There is such a pile
of gold in the trunk -
that you buy Sirkus Sariola
including the elephants and all
It's not enough to you that
you are false-erotic -
and smelly animals, no,
but you are also stupid
Now goddamnit!
Again a collision!
Open up satan
What's up with Jnssi?
He's annoyed cos Aspen broke up
Well aren't you annoyed as well?
-Perhaps a bit
Well you shouldn't care about that
You know, listen up, in that bang -
my thoughts have become
completely crystal-clear
You asked about the gold exchange -
at Helmivaara there lives
a former banker -
Karl-Heinz Rummenigge
He is the only one who can
help us in this case
See the bus comes always at
the moment lighting a cigaratte
Dudes, the bus is coming
Lasse and Seppo, take ambulance
back to the institution -
we continue from here
with Kulokoski by ourselves
No help from those monkeys
Now we forget the injections and psychiatry
Good day. -Hi
Where're you going? -We are
going to Helmivaara -
to Rummenniggel.
-It's 50 per adult
Strictly speaking
we don't have cash
Well then you have no ride either
Is this bus yours?
Tsing, Tsing, Tsingis Kaan, -
oppressor of every neighbor-nations
Tsing, Tsing, Tsingis Kaan, -
lover of all beautiful women
used the saber,
ha, ha, ha, haa
showed the "signs of heaven",
ha, ha, ha, haa
Third reich...
...where you boys have found this?
This is the most lowest
quality of gold -
that I have never examined
This sort of old-fashioned
ingot's price -
in the free market is not -
more than about
half a million marks
What can you pay for us
for one bar?
How many bars you got?
Sorry? -Eleven
Mr Rummenigge, what sort of
cash you have here?
cos we are needing some cash -
and cos I'm losing my mind
I'm able to get together
the whole sum -
in just a few days
You can leave the remaining
bars without concern -
for me to keep
We are taking them with us.
-Oh okay
I could pay you for
this separate bar -
36 872 marks -
95 pennies
Is this so?
Yes, yes
At the final transaction
we can negotiate -
about the true value of the bars
and the lump sum of the deal
Then there's one more request
Now that you have cash
like building contractors -
I wish that you wouldn't tell -
about our business-
partnership to anyone
And that you would keep
imperceptible and low profile
Well that is unspokenly clear
You know boys, that I have
never get to feel -
woman's warmth and closeness.
-There's nothing special about it
It's over-advertized.
-I guess so
Completely over-advertized
We are in hell of a rush now
We got to find them before
they exchange the gold to cash
In free market they can't sell it
They have to find
a buyer of dark gold
Aren't there still
few of them in Lapland?
Surely. And local police
will tell us where
Medical superintendent
Rasinkangas here hello
(music: "Gold or honor")
We can't take an unknown singer
halfway through the gig
Besides, how can we know
can the dude even sing?
He sure can.
Hey it's the dude's dream
Do you know how coyote pulls?
-We do
So then when they begin
to pull there in the jungle -
do they begin to think that, oh
fuck we didn't practice this at all
You get it?
Quite nice evening isn't it?
An adult woman I am
I don't get lost in
the world's winds anymore
May I?
-Our alliance shall validate
I would like to continue
a journey with a good beginning
(song: dark eyes, brown hair,
one time I get to lapse...)
Would either of you like to
come and dance with me?
Either of you is fine or even both
Yes he is that fella
who just stopped eating -
at the table in the middle.
What can you do?
I know nine basic positions -
and 11 special postures
and four massages -
including thai and geisha.
And you can choose either
active, passive -
or even dominant role.
I use my body brilliantly.
And I make arousing sounds
during intercouse. -Yea-a
But listen, the most
astonishing is that -
I'm able to move smoothly -
eventhough I'm penetrated
My internal muscles they are
pumping already... -Hey hey
This thing is pretty settled.
It's best to do this gig very calmly
because we have a beginner in question
When tiger sees a green mamba
for the first time, it doesn't say:
"Hey there, how's hose?"
Oh yea precisely
I so love him only
This is Fredi
Open your heart to me,
I wish only good for you
May I?
-You won't
Something you hide inside -
can see that thru your smile
My name is Vanessa.
-Just, just
What's your name?
I am Elmeri
Lovely name.
Oh how strong neck you have.
-It is
Shall we go to your room?
Well I live together
with my group -
out there, in kind of
a trailer, so...
...But you can come there,
there is space
May I recite a poem that I have written?
Yes you may
I look at pond from behind grille,
swans fly away
curved and vanished from sight
behind horizon
Only one remained, that was me
You came to the shore,
I felt twinge in fistula -
I didn't need wings anymore,
you were there, Vanessa
You need something?
No I was saying -
that I can offer you whatever you want
Sorry my friend is in trouble
a little bit, have to go to help
But we will see later.
-It tickles!
Here we don't tolerate boys like these
Lilliputian, now let go of Broman
And how is it your business?
Like that
Hey Hautamki, need help?
Interesting man
So bestial and after all
so sentimental, so sentimental
Shall we leave, or
should I still sing something?
Let's sing later
Hey fellow
Here's some smart money for you,
so that I would run out
Boys let's go.
Applies to Broman as well
Just det
Listen hey, I would like to stay very much -
but highway is hot.
-But listen -
also my lap is hot, and you
may absorb in it. -Yep yep
I will give you such treatment this night -
that you will remember it
for rest of your life
Maybe that highway can await for a bit
I assume that I'm starting to
feel a bit differently about you
I know that we can't
ever like love -
or at least be like I would like to
But perhaps we can be friends
You were so lovely,
cos you came like Leos -
to defend me against those barbarians
Nobody has ever defended me before
Jnssi, can we hug?
No we don't hug
(German from radio)
Who is it calling now?
At Gring, Hermann speaking
It's Karl-Heinz Rummenigge here
Heil to you.
You have that secret number
to the staff
Cos something totally
unexpected has happened here now
Should get some message
through to the staff now
Wait a bit, I'll grab
some pen and paper
Okay then?
Should I call to Garmisch-Partenkirchen?
Got some terrible business
happening here now. -I see
In that case I'll call
directly to Bischofshofen
Eleven bars of reich's old gold
Good lord what is this?
In that case I will take
direct contact to Oberstdorf
Halo? Das ist Hermann Gring aus Finnland
(Hello? This is Hermann Gring from Finland)
Guten tag (Good day)
(murmuring unclearly to the sheep)
-Don't say anything else
What men are you?
You break into people's homes
Do you some business?
We have quite a bit -
to talk about
For heaven's sake, that's them
Goddammit Jnssi
There're the cops, you are speeding
Oh fuck.
This has a mile speedo
Hey Jnssi
Bluff the cops with a fast cop-out
Hey Jnssi.
Trailer came off
-This is wild
Song rings out -
music plays,
faun Bacchus frolicks
Everyday life's despairs
remained behind -
poem-days begin for us, heyssan
What devils are coming there?
At reckelss speed
Good day
Hey come here a bit.
Did pink Dotsi drive to
your yard a moment ago?
Where is it?
You see the thing is that it has a
group we've been hunting all night
What have they done?
Are they dangerous?
Caused hoopla at restaurant.
Some naughty gay started dancing.
There hasn't been any gangsters around here
Besides, go away from my lands, you pig
or I will hit you to the hepatica
To hepatica, I see
Well when, after all this
confusion we all could
move inside the mansion
There's fun, tasty food and surprise
program. Doesn't apply to you
Come honey
Ladies and gentlemen -
we have here today a surprise guest -
who arrived on burning wagon
like godly hunk Adonis
Our surprise guest
Janne Petteri Broman
Well this came a bit hastily -
but into this kind
sentimental moment -
fits quite well, written by
my brother Tommi,
who nowadays lives in rebro,
a poem "Koppakuoriainen" (Beetle)
An insect carries a shell
Does the shell give shelter or
barrier strong does it create?
Down in soil trudges him -
but up there, there
dragonfly carries light life
A birdie ate the dragonfly -
and beetle witnessed the event
and contined his
journey and thought -
basket this -
fascninates me -
And now to eat
What's this party here?
Mister baron, have
we been tactless -
cos we started already? But
we were quite starving
What does it cost to
have this kind of buffet?
No need to get frightened,
we are able to arrange...
Or I mean we got pole (cash)
Yes I can see that
you got pole. Besides...
Baron good,
be merciful to those boors -
they don't know what they are doing
You see, since they are not
culture-people like we are
But their heart...
-Oh don't make a fuss now -
Janne Petteri, your friends
are my friends also
Isn't it lovely?
Besides as we all know -
Summerdays' meal is
free for everyone
Oh, oh
Please start grabbing the
offerings from the table, but I ask -
remember to use knife and fork
Hey is that store-bought
liver casserole? -Yes
Have you bought this from store?
-Yes, yes
Waits, yes, look
There is.
-Oh, oh
You should send it back to the
food factory. -I see, but why?
You'll get two new
casseroles and surprise gift
Tell me. -Ow! Yes, now I recall
I found it
Tell it. -Ow!
(piano music)
I have always dreamt
to become hostess
exactly to a mansion like this
Just the heating expenses
here are already astronomical
Although I would like to, in the
name of honesty I have to confess -
that there is no single drop
of carpenter skills in me
The east wing of the house
is needing repairs for sure -
and the roof needs carpentry
Oh, I am spiritually
totally crumbled
Perhaps I should move to live in
studio apartment in town. -Don't
Listen, Eugen.
When life is being
strain on the nerves -
there's always solution
to be found in the end
Isn't it so?
Thanks. -You're welcome
Pump some more
Dudes, I'm really
starting to lose my mind
Is it bad? -Actually no.
Feeling light like cuckoo
Quite superior
I got it as a gift.
-Be quiet now
When did they come here?
And are they coming back?
Ok, ok, ok, I'll tell
Well were you bored?
-Well, no, but don't say -
that you are looking tired,
if you really aren't. -Cuckoo
Oh my goodness
Is there any way I
could help this poor man?
You can't leave anywhere
Stay here for my company
Let's treat that man
back to shape together
We could have sauna.
-Oh that would be lovely
Enjoy art
Dille and Jnssi could sleep
in the granary, far away
And we then... -Well,
but we need to leave -
as horrible as it sounds
We have to get medicine for Hautamki
Hautamki and Hautamki
Oh I would have so much to tell
And besides we...
-We have to go now
I hope you won't be offended,
dear friend but... -Hey -
let's start going now.
-I promise and I assure...
Oh terrible.
-Where are you taking him?
Where are you going?
Thanks. -You're welcome
What are you up to?
Are you ever going to return?
We will meet again
Well then Elmeri, now we got pills
Getting you back on file
Broman, I don't want to judge
your psychiatric nursing skills
but I am in good health
They are coming back,
I promised to get more
This is Karl-Heinz Rummeniggen -
and Northern-Arctic's Lamb Meat and Valuables Ltd's -
automatic answering machine
Well it is Hermann Gring who's calling here
About the Obertsdorf case
I was able to reach the contact -
and they sounded really happy there
Some really great gentleman
is on his way here now
Damn, so the head-devil
is coming, and today...
Listen hey, put that good
lamb stew of yours in the oven
I would have gladly come myself too -
however I have a mangle.
-Friends are calling
Could you take your hat off please?
What? -Your hat,
take it off please
Thank you
Jooseppi Hautamki was virile man
I have inherited his
passionate hormone activity -
and strong sexual drives
Such vital genes flow in my veins
My scrotum is like two pomegranates
Guess what happens -
when such man is put into
institution? -Well what?
He becomes crazy
Rummenigge, for the last time.
-Tell everything now satan
Ow, hurts!
What's happening here?
Thank god
you arrived right on time
My name is Peter Nord
You have something that belongs to me
Don't shoot Lamp!
Could you loosen these ropes now?
Where is my gold?
This trip was one hell of a mistake
Ouch ow!
Devil is fond of animals
Yes, be patient now -
your gold arrives in just a moment
Where was the gold found from?
I've been looking for it for 17 years
Gold was in the motorcycle's -
side wagon and it was found by
two gold diggers -
in Lapland
On the site you can also find -
skeletons of two German soldiers
What? Who found it?
Entourage that included
that old gold digger's son
Where are the doctors by the way?
It's not important
Well then, Rummenigge, shall we
start business negotiations?
Yes, yes
Come in please
How are you?
Everything good?
You have the gold with you?
Hey Jnsse?
Where are you going?
-There are raspberries
This year raspberries
have been very tasty
And there's a lot
I have had some troubles here
What troubles?
You have the money at least?
You don't really understand the
seriousness of the situation
Listen I am offering you
a chance to survive
Leave the gold to me
Here is quite a pile of money.
Go away good boys
You'll be fine.
-What are you messing about?
What's going on here?
In the closet there's nazi.
I have a nazi in the closet.
Damn there's
a dangerous nazi in the closet!
Situation has changed now
Well then, I tried to warn you
Do you understand?
Sorry but I know any German
Do you speak Swedish?
I'm starting to understand now,
pieces in a way clicked into place
Elmeri Hautamki
Shall we hug?
Let's hug away
I take only what belongs to me?
-How come belongs?
Are you the son of that digger?
-Yes I am
That's what I thought
You look like your father
You killed my father?
Would you like to offer coffee?
German arsehole
What did it say?
-That devil wants coffee
We have no coffee to offer
Is Jooseppi still taking shit?
Yes he's at the chutes.
-He would know German
War is over
We are not returning to Germany
We have other plans in Sweden
We take your identity
and your clothes
Hopefully we don't need
to take your lives
What he said?
-I guess he wants bun
Where's the third man?
(gun shot)
Damn, hell's devil
That's it
Jooseppi, hurt bad?
Jooseppi? Get up
Jooseppi isn't getting up anymore
Jorma, we can't remain here
Carve a coffin for Jooseppi -
I will cover up the traces
I'll do the same I
did to your father
May I make a final wish?
Can I get a cigarette?
Who's here?
-Those ruthless doctors
Let us out of here, Kulokoski is dying
What? -Hautamki
Let us out of here
or we will both die
On one condition
Whatever as long as you let us go
Respected doctors, come
and drink hot chocolate -
and I will tell about my plans
Evidently legendary events
have happened here
Unconscious dude flew out
Hey shall we get out of here now.
-Not yet
Lift the man in,
and drink hot chocolates -
I will tell about my plans
Hurry up now satan
So now tell everything
and from the beginning
Well then...
Jnssi, could I get one cigarette?
I have no cigarettes left
You think I haven't earned a cigarette?
Well I guess this trip will
work out with out cigarettes
I have cheated you boys by the way
I'm not dying -
it was just some
madman's obsession
-Just like this
(Elmeri: ) Therefore,
we all got rich
Gold was sold and moneys were split
I guess you want to know
some post events
Karl-Heinz Rummenigge
continued his old businesses
He hid his money
while he was drunk -
and still he hasn't found them
Try to behave,
soon we can go to sauna
Monastery received
a huge clock as donation
Lyyli and Tyyne aunts went to work
as cooks in the monastery
and now the most deaf monks
could hear the clock -
and every day they get to taste
tasty treats by the emos
(German from the radio)
Neo-nazi from Joensuu,
Hermann Gring -
met his destiny while
mangling his laundry at home
Kulokoski and Rasinkangas
got married -
and established mental health clinic
Kulokoski became famous weather prophet
With his wounded knee -
he forecasted rains, flurries and frosts
Soon it's going to rain and hard.
-Shut up
Should have guessed
After strange coincidences -
Jnssi married food factory
manager's daughter -
and became factory's sub-manager
Get an ashtray here hey
And quicky goddamnit.
-Just like this
Doublebrother Dille got his
PhD in record-breaking time
Here is the bend of
rectum and duodenum
There's intestine worm.
It has five choices:
left, right,
forward is not feasible -
if want to stay inside
So two choices remain,
to keep still -
or back up. -Today he
teaches at Tampere University
so that couldn't grasp it
Based on research made in Alabama -
36% keeps still,
the rest start to rush -
and end up backing up
Janne Petteri Broman
realized his dream
He became hostess at the mansion
The mansion was restored
to its former glory
Lahtinen changed
his name to von Broman
They began small-scale catering
service and expanded their activity -
to interdisciplinary bacchanals
Can you imagine that I was crazy
and planning to go to Ibiza?
Yes, and what about the nazi?
We made a deal with
Kulokosken and Rasinkangas
Still today at
Tyrv mental hospital prison -
there's a man who speaks only German
and insists being Peter Nord -
but hospital papers prove that he is -
incurable schizophrenic
called Elmeri Hautamki
My name is Nord, Peter Nord
Well what about me then?
Well I moved to countryside -
I found my fortune and got married
Nowadays my name is Peter Nord -
and here is my wife, Vanessa Nord
Come on here
I imagined -
that I would never
be able to enjoy sex
But then I met Elm... Peter
And I realized I had been so wrong
Come to the picture now children
let's take a proper portrait
Hop hop
He or she who doesn't smile,
gets hit by thong
And then
Like that. And free. -Yippee!
Don't come in until 20 minutes has passed