La Cha Cha (2021) Movie Script

Luxury is a high priority
with the Elgrand Sir.
Certainly is.
Juicy though, right?
Well, if you're gonna order
a steak, you may as well
go for the T-bone.
May I?
Lovely dash on her..
Plenty of room
and a good level of comfort
Perfect for tribal transport.
Going anywhere nice?
Just fancy a bit of a trip?
How much?
16 grands giving her away.
12 and a half.
Oh, give me eight.
-That sounds..
I tell you what,
gimme' four bags 'a sand
and I'll throw in a mug holder!
Do you have any space
for tonight, please?
-Sorry were fully booked.
Hello? Um, do you have
any spaces for tonight at all?
Sorry, closed for lockdown,
thank you. Bye-bye.
Hello. Portsiden caravan park
is closed until further notice.
Net caravan Park, sorry but we
are closed until further notice-
- Hello?
You got the stuff
ready for me to pick it up?
HaHa, you alright Dooty mate?
The gear comes down.
I land in France in I.
Yeah. I'm Good. I'm good.
Been coming in
really good 'n that.
- Have you got it?
Yeah, I got the stuff,
an all mark about it..
I'm going to miss you
bollocking 'n fucking about
a bit of business...
Dooty mate. I can't make out
what the fuck you're saying.
Uh, want the uh, normal runway,
usual, you know the code...
Yeah, all right, all right
sounds good, all right, fly safe
Echo pancake. Pancake.
..The sun is burning,
elected unholy
and the earth sleeps so soundly
It dreams us back to our birth.
The Moon is a giant rusk
Through the Polaroid of a dream
An ancient lover
is walking towards me in drag
Across the tight rope
filament of the earth's bulb.
Things were so simple then..
Take me back to when all the
assassins wore pork pie hats
And dreams were my maps,
and poems were my maps,
and the totality
of my love baffled the gods.
Now a collective head
is a huge wobbly bomb
And my hamstrings
are like piano wire.
As I walk downstairs
to greet the brave new day.
- Thank you very much
Nice one.
All right, shutup, shutup
So the mobile colonic unit won't
be coming till the 27th now.
Oh, shit.
Haziz's hash van swinging by
on Saturday. He's out of black,
He's out of black..
but he does have a full stock
of Llanelli Tin edibles.
-Yes! Wooow
And we've got a bit of
paintball tomorrow.
Yeah, when your dead, stay dead
until the end of the game right.
What if you've actually died?
-You still have to wait.
Right. I've got some good news
and I've got some bad news.
The good news is Dooty called..
He'll be back in the morning
and he is got the stuff
Thank fuck for that!
What about the bad news, Libby?
Yeah, what about the
bad news, love?
The bad news is...
well I suppose
there isn't any bad news.
Well, okay.
But we've still got to be a
bit cool about this, all right?
I say no more
talking to strangers.
-We need to keep vigilant. Yeah.
No more arrivals.
No more foreigners.
We're full.
I'm not really a sheriff.
-I said we're full.
Listen, I'm very low on petrol.
One fella'
for one night's no big deal.
I just want to get me head down.
There's no more spots.
Yes there is.
Danny Jenkins left this morning.
Libby Rees.
Solti Buttering
What are you driving?
Um, an Elgrand V6
Where are you parked?
Just up above at reception.
Alright, come on,
I'll check you in.
I don't like this.
I don't like this one bit.
Salty knickers!
One, two, three, four...
Salty! Salty!
Salty! Salty knickers!
Salty! Salty!
Krusty Krusty knickers!
Krusty! Krusty!
Krusty Krusty knickers!
So, are you on the run?
On the run?
Everyone who stops off
is on the run from something..
Do I look like a criminal?
What does a criminal look like?
Fair point.
You on your own.
Just me and Granddad.
Are these his ashes?
They certainly are.
Fucking hell.
How do they...
-Care home
With four others
on the same day.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, he was a great man,
granddad Eddie
he didn't deserve
to go like that.
Come in.
-Thank you.
Where are you heading?
I thought
I might cruise the Gower
for a while
and then maybe head west
and find a place
to lay my granddad's ashes.
The west's
still a bit dangerous.
But I thought
that it said on the radio...
It's still dangerous.
Where are you from?
I'm from Ballaghnatrillick,
County Sligo.
Sorry, I don't mean to be nosy.
-No, that's cool.
Running a caravan site
for old people
can hardly be described as cool.
Well, I think
this place is cool.
What line of work
are you in, Mr. Buttering?
I fly aeorplanes...
Well I used to.
That's what I call Cool.
I didn't have
any schoolgirl dreams
of running a caravan site,
you know.
Well I suppose things don't
always turn out the way we want.
You're not wrong, then.
I wanted to be
a ballroom dancer.
Thats alright.
Hence the cha-cha.
You got it.
So what happened?
Well, my Achilles heel
became my Achilles heel.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's all right.
-Come here.
I've always wanted to know the
difference between the cha-cha
and the cha-cha-cha.
There's no difference really.
People just call it The Cha-cha
'cause everyone
knows what you mean
by the time you get to
the second 'Cha'.
There are loads of ways
of counting the steps.
So, you've got...
Two, three, four
and one, two, three,
four and one,
two, three, four and one,
two, three, four and one,
two, three, four and one.
Or you have two and three, four
and one, two and three,
four and one.
Or, my personal favourite,
two, three, La cha-cha,
two, three, La cha-cha.
That was great.
One of the best lessons in life
is a dance lesson.
Certainly is.
That's Ted and Brenda.
They just fuck
and eat ice cream.
Do you have a freezer?
OK, right, so,
a couple of site rules.
Don't be a twat, be cool.
Don't shit in the woods
and enjoy yourself.
It's later than you think.
Thanks so much.
I really appreciate this.
It's not a problem.
Hope you sleep well.
Mr. Buttering
from Ballaghnatrillick...
That was very good.
Lovely morning.
Oi. What are you doing?
Just ordered a new
chainsaw blade. On Amazon.
Have you done the bins?
-Not yet.
Well you need to do em.
-I will.
-When I fucking feel like it!
Oi, watch your lip.
Get out of my fucking caravan.
Just do the fucking bins.
My ass really worth gawking
at like that Mr. Buttering?
I was looking at the lake
I was only joking.
Have you anything
for this mozzie bite?
This is an incredible place
you have here
Oh, thanks.
I inherited it off my granny.
It started as an experiment
and became a kind of
refuge during lockdown.
Not every old goat wants to
lose their marbles in some
shit-dump smelly care home.
Growing fruit and veg.
Most sites are off-grid.
You could be totally sustainable
within a year or so.
So it's kind of a--
No, It's not a cult or commune,
their not hippies or communists.
Just people, with dignity.
Well it beats a care home
any day of the week.
You heading off today?
Well good luck then.
Actually do you know what?
Ah fuck...
Would it be all right
if I stayed for one more night?
I'm just gonna nip into town
and get some provisions.
I don't like this
-I don't like it one bit
Good-looking boy, though.
- Shit.
I bought this yesterday.
can you get the jump leads?
Cheers mate.
Turn over.
Doesn't want to know.
Come on lets go, lets go.
Move, move
T2 112 horsepower flat four.
I learned the fly
in one of those.
So you really do fly?
Sort of
How can you sort-of fly?
Sort of a long story.
Yes, come by here. Come here.
Come on, let's go.
Come on Dooty.
Hello boy,
you can't do nothing wrong man.
- Here he is.
Hello mate, you alright?
-Oi lady
I used to it by now...
Put a lot into that.
Nice wings mate.
Great landing too.
Look at you carrying your
pig-ass fancy words an that.
Your full of shit you are mate.
Interesting fella.
Mind yer backs,
he's coming through..
Be best to keep the stuff
in here for now,
till we get the next batch.
What's that?
I said, It'd be best to keep the
stuff in here for now
till we get the next batch.
One more trip down there,
then we got that Mexican
bullshit coming in, innit?
We're having a foreign pieces
of shit coming in here and
messing around in our business
Its fucking bullshit
He's just a fucking tourist.
He'll be gone
as soon as his engine's fixed.
Engine's fucked up
like a run over hedgehog.
You got some sticky sugary shite
coming through your fuel systems
Fuel injectors, I'm afraid mate.
Your joking?
How long will it take?
-How long is a piece of string
Oh mate
-Look, I'm sorry okay?
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4
Fuck you!
Get off the grass!
Keep off the grass.
Keep OFF the grass.
KEEP off the grass
Keep off the grass.
Keep off the grass.
Keep off THE grass.
Keep off the grass!
Get that Cobra
off my grass right now.
-Fuck Off.
Fuck off.
-Fuck off.
-You fuck off!
That was great man.
Do you know any Thin Lizzy?
What he say?
-Irish Band
Fiddle an that...
I've got that Robbie bloke, he
won't get his car off the grass.
His dog wasn't on a lead
and they had music on
after 11 last night.
-We need to teach him
a fucking lesson.
were running in a caravan site
for mature creative grownups,
not a fucking
concentration camp.
-Oi, oi, oi, oi.
Can you ring Maxi
at the garage and tell him
to order a new injector
for Mr. Buttering's ElGrand.
Tell him to hurry up.
..I give that to you..
-It's yoghurt
Go on Soldier.. go on
Go an get her..
Hello, what's your name?
-Cover me!
Medicine down the hole
Can I help you?
-Go, go, go, go.
- Arrgh!
- Hello?
-Um, where do I charge my phone?
In the kitchen,
behind the stables
Kitchen, behind the stables.
Hang on.
Do you like bingo?
Does Daniel O'Donnell
shit in the woods?
I dunno, but it starts
at three in the pavilion.
I'm there.
Good afternoon everyone
and welcome to Pavilion Bingo.
We'll be going for a line across
on the blue or four corners.
Any news on my car?
Yeah, I'll get Dame
to chase up in the morning
Let luck be my lady tonight.
Get fucked.
Eyes down.
And the first number...
Dinner for two.
Six and nine, sixty-nine.
Run for the Loo,
on its own... number Two
You got too many fucking cards.
Damien. I always play
with this many cards.
-This is an official warning.
Leave her be Damien.
-Over the gate...
Why don't you just go and
blow your brains out, sonny?
You've got nothing to lose.
It's Okay, why don't I
take one of her cards
and then I'll have 4
and she'll also have 4.
Choking the hen...
You looking for trouble?
-Number Ten
-Never trouble, trouble
till trouble, troubles you.
Fuck off, grandad.
And strong and bitter words
indicate a very weak cause.
Fuck you.
dealer's nostrils...
I rest my case.
-Number eight
The boy has nothing
between his ears.
Age of consent in Carmarthen...
-I think he's a few issues.
- He's been like that since his accident.
- -Twelve
What happened?
About six months ago
We found him collapsed
by the side of a camper van
when he was baked...
Straight off the menu eight and two, Gandhi's breakfast.
Eighty two.
He was siphoning petrol
and sucked from the sewage tank
instead of the petrol tank.
-Nobody offered him
mouth to mouth?
The toilet toxins made him
a bit weird and he's
been a little runt ever since
One of our favorites,
Bishop Desmond
- Two Two!
Apocalypse now,
Martin Sheen. Seventeen.
I went over to take him
some of my Bara Brith.
He loves my Bara Brith.
So, I knock on the door
and there's no answer.
And I can see the door and
it's open a little and I think,
"Oh, will I leave the cake
there for later?"
And there's Dooty.
His little body
laying on the lino.
Blood everywhere.
Red blood.
And the top of his head
is sitting there on the sofa...
Like a bit of
raw, fresh, sirloin steak.
Oh Dooty.
Is Dooty in there?
How did that happen?
-Dooty's dead?
What was he--
Dooty's dead.
Fucking hell!
-All right, all right.
Is somebody coming?
Alright everyone.
It's all over now, okay. It's
all under control, all right.
Bad luck that is
-What happened?
Dooty fucking topped himself
Did he Kill himself?
-I'm calling an ambulance.
No, I'll take him
in the car later.
It's a dead body!
Well, it won't mind riding
in the boot then, will it?
Jesus Goodness.
-What about the stuff?
Yeah. Yeah.
What about the stuff?
It's the stuff still in there.
-What stuff?
The stuff? That's absolutely
none of your business,
Mr. Buttering.
You can always head out.
Just push off.
For fuck's sake.
--use code pancake pancake
Any luck? It's not here.
Hi ya. I was just wondering
if I could borrow some sugar.
Jesus Christ!
We were just cleaning up.
Poor guy
-People die around here
all the time.
It's a way of life.
Yeah, but where'd
you take the body last night?
Who wants to know?
Look, I don't mean to
poke my nose into--
-It's best to see Iris
about the sugar.
A little blue
tourer by the jetty.
Iris. Little blue tourer
by the jetty. Thanks, good luck.
Just cleaning up.
It's not much of a challenge.
Out of Weetabix already?
-Sugar actually
Come on in.
Come on.
Oh, this is lovely.
I've got some
homemade fizzy-wizzy.
Can I get you anything else?
-Just a sugar, thanks.
We can go to yours
if you'd prefer.
-How do you mean?
It's up to you?
-No, no, I'm fine here.
We could do a deal...
You're a prostitute?
I actually PhD in architecture.
I love houses.
There's very little scope for
architecture around here anymore
so I make ends meet by
sucking cock on the caravan park
It's actually easier
than designing houses.
I see,
I see said the blind man as he
picked up his hammer and saw.
I just want--
Maybe you'd like to wait
until we get to know
each other a little better?
Like tea time?
I just want a bit of sugar
I don't do sugar my love,
but I know what man does
-Exactly the same shell
that killed Dooty.
Are you sure?
Of course I'm sure.
Doesn't make sense.
Makes sense to me.
He's just so fucking nice.
Lot's of murderers are nice,
What's the matter?
I can't go down there.
-Well, they won't harm you,
they're just goats.
I can't
Look, they're all tied up
nice and tight.
Come on, just look down here.
Get in, man.
Come on.
-Go on
Just nip down here quick.
Oh, Jesus!
Where am I?
Your legs turned to cabbage
And your eyes
went to belly pork.
You've certainly
got a way with goats mate.
Here, this will help you forget
what you ought to remember.
and remember
what you ought to forget
Tell us what the fuck
you you're doing here.
I'm on holiday.
Believe these belong to you.
You see, we couldn't work out
how a little fella
like Dooty Davis,
managed to
stretch his little arms
along that long-ass shotgun
and pull the trigger.
I smell bacon...
Me too.
Well ?
-Well what?
Why did you kill him?
I didn't kill anyone,
I'm on holiday.
Even them goats
think your the murderer.
Hold on now Boyle.
I'm on holiday on my own.
On fucking holiday! Alright,
where did you put the stuff?
-W-what stuff?
How about we do a deal?
I'm just trying to find
a nice place to
sprinkle my granddad's ashes.
Nice cover story.
-Very handy.
A load of old bollocks.
-It's true!
You tell us where it is
and who you're working for,
and Dooty can remain a suicide.
You sure you know what
you're doin' Boyle ?
Of course I know what I'm doing.
You wanna keep
The cha-cha, don't you?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
You can have a day
to think about it, smart-arse.
Put him in the bunker Boys.
Yeah, you can't fucking do this.
We need to find the box.
All right, for fuck's sake.
-Don't help me,
forget it rabbit
I'll help Brendan an that yeah?
Have u got any more
shlamonka's down there ?
No, i said makonkis...
More mokonkis ?
Oh for fucks sake Chip...
and get some Hobnobs !
Could you stop doing that,
Stop it
The whispering death.
I beg your pardon?
It's what the Japanese used to
call the Bristol Beaufighter.
The Whispering Death.
-Oh, the old beau...
She was a lovely
little night fighter.
She was quick and quiet
and well armed.
Nobody knew she was coming.
Oh she was wonderful.
It wasn't as adaptable
as a mosquito though,
You really had to know how you
were going to fly those babies.
A young allied pilot crashed
a Beaufighter right here,
during the war, you know.
he was coming into land
on the airfield
on a routine training flight.
One of his engines failed
-and Boof... down he came
in a ball of flames.
Only the dead have truly
seen the end of war.
Pat, bring me
four ounces of fish blood love.
Yeah, I'm on it.
Sorry we're late.
Late for what?
We're booked into B eighty nine
We're closed and full.
We made a booking.
We're still full
Calm down Libbs, they made a
booking and we made a mistake.
What are you driving?
Got a Monaco Diplomat.
Very nice
B fifteens available.
-No it's not.
Shut up, sis.
30 amp electric, water and waste
Wi-Fi's five extra.
Superb. Wizardly.
As in a wizardly catch
or a wizardly throw.
Having a wizardly lunch,
you know what I mean, don't you?
Now, why don't you take us
down to have a look
at our little wizardly spot.
I'll take 'em.
-No, I will.
No, I'll take them.
Thank you.
-You're welcome.
We said no more arrivals.
Oh Calm down.
I've got a shit load
of contraband on my farm.
A bloke chained up
in the fucking bunker
and a dead pilot
in my deep-freeze.
So don't tell me to
fucking calm down.
Me and the lads was just
wondering if we can be relieved
of guarding the little Irish
fellow for a couple of hours.
A few hours?
Well the thing is we got a
booze delivery down River an-
All right, all right.
Suppose I don't mind
babysitting for a few hours.
How's the food?
- Who is it?
It's Damian
-Take your shoes off.
This is sick as fuck.
Well, the price of a rear
engine'd turbo intercooler
Motorhome shouldn't force one
to make sacrifices.
This beauty
has compartmental storage
that will literally
blow your fucking mind.
So, Rog and I get to explore
the great European
countryside in the motorhome
of our wildest dreams.
So, you're the guys
who are buying the Cha-cha, eh?
we are indeed the party
interested in taking over
the soon to expire lease on
this property. Yes.
Well I've been thinking
-Conjecture is no bad thing.
This could be the dawning
of a new awning.
Ding dog.
Brought you some dinner.
Stop, will you!
How is it?
It's Okay, for prison food
Doesn't have
to be like this Solti.
If you come clean and tell us
where you put the red box.
I have NO idea
what you are talking about.
I know.
Know what?
I can read people's auras.
It's like a halo.
It helps me tell if
someone's a wanker or not.
Am I a wanker?
You tell me.
How's my aura?
You have an honest aura.
A wankerless aura.
I still think you're running
away from something though.
I dunno what it is,
But there's something
out there. I can feel it.
It was a long time ago.
Tell me
It was an accident.
What sort of accident?
I really
don't want to talk about it.
Is that why you hit the road?
Sort of.
I liked you the moment you
looked my bum by the lake.
So, Mr. Pilot...
...I've been thinking.
how about you take me...
up in Dooty Davis's
dooty little plane?
I'm chained to a table
in an air raid shelter.
But if you weren't...
where would you take me?
I don't know.
Fucking hell. Exeter?
You meant to say
something like...
Barcelona or Zanzibar
or Casablanca.
We'd never have the
tank capacity for Casablanca.
Tank capacity is not sexy.
They like it...
Fuck off!
What about the cash boys?
Fuck off!
Dim press, Froude.
They're trying
to pull a fast one.
-It's alright
Scott in.
What the fuck is that?
bub bub bub
Scott in.
Weird looking
fucking fish, boys.
I don't like this
one little bit.
- Just leave it with me.
Everything will be fucking fine.
- Kedgee, kedgee, kedgee
Kedgee, kedgee, kedgee!
I don't like this.
I don't like this man Davis!
Oh, fuck it.
Oh, fuck this.
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
You gotta go, you gota go
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
Fuck it. I said fuck off!
Bye bye. Bye bye.
Bye bye. B-b--
Let's go. Row
Be gentle with him.
Oh, I will...
So Damien,
you are telling us
that the residents here are
trying to save La Cha-cha?
by engaging in transactions
of a contraband nature.
I'm telling you straight,
they're shipping a shitload
of stuff from France.
Well, in 10 days' time,
The Cha-cha is going to belong
to Virginia and Roger Callaway.
But thank you
for that valuable information.
What are you planning
on doing to the place, then?
Our exclusive marina holiday
resort will be
what dreams are made of
High end?
Cool. Listen,
I know where the stuff is.
We could lay it off on a
new resort.
It'd be the perfect cover.
I've got access
to a whole lot of contacts.
We could get this shit moving
through every care home
in the area within two months.
That's a hell of a lot of
'naughty naughty', Damien.
You got the gear?
I'll have it by the morning.
Good boy.
Ah, think Iv'e got
something here.
Hang on.
-What is it?
Oh, my good Lord, look at that.
It's the fucking red box!
All right, listen,
get the red, weirdy fish.
Bang the fish on the
head and plop it in..
Right, let's go.
You think you can trust
this little Damian fella babes?
He seems like
a good enough kid to me.
Yeah. Can make some extra dough.
Expand the resort.
Nine-hole golf course.
-Pitch and putt.
Tennis courts.
Oh... spa
Yeah, treatments.
Fuck it! Commemorative merch
in the shop.
Our own personal insignia etched
on every fucking souvenir.
Oh, I love you, Virginia.
I want to nibble your balls.
Go on then.
-Don't tell me bollocks,
that's the deal.
It's a good deal, and you
know it's a good fucking deal.
Do fuck off!
-I need some help
shifting this gear.
are you back on the glue?
I've got the red box.
You're full of shit.
I'm telling you, I need
some help shifting this gear.
Look, will you just fuck off?
Now, listen here.
You're going to
help me out, okay?
-Yes okay!
Now, keep your mouth shut
about this.
- Fuck!!
Baby, I'm getting blisters
on my ankles.
I'll get the keys of the guys.
Who do you think
"offed" the pilot guy?
That's what people say,
isn't it?
Dunno, but he was "offed" by
the same fellow who wanted it to
look like you were the killer.
This shit
could lose us the farm.
Keeping the Cha-cha
means a lot to you doesn't it?
It's not a lot,
but it's all we've got.
Libby, we found the red box.
You're shitting me?
Yeah, Okay
have you got the stuff yet?
-Got some issues.
Yeah, you can have that.
-A fish, oh that's so sweet.
Thank you.
What the hell is all that
Expensive medicines,
painkillers mainly,
With enough
military strength Viagra...
-French - should keep you
as hard as physics.
You're smuggling pills.
This stuff's become
virtually unavailable
for the majority of people.
Big pharma's
making a fucking killing.
Most of our residents can't
afford the drugs they need
to keep them alive.
If you're rich, you live.
If you're poor, you die.
That's the way it's going,
I'm afraid, son.
Black market pharma.
Dooty was able to fly
illegal batches in from France.
Selling the stuff's the only way
La Cha-cha's gonna make it.
We've been
stockpiling it since spring.
There's not enough here
to get us over the line.
Right, Cha-cha meeting at 12,
put the word out yeah?
I'm on it.
Where is it?
-Where's what?
The stuff?
-What stuff?
The fucking stuff of mine
you got in yer tent
-Oi! Get out of there.
Get out of there.
Get out of there!
Get the fuck out of there!
-Go on then!
Arrgh! Fuck off.
-Fuck off Damien
Fuck off.
OI! Hey, hold on boy
You got something
you wanna tell me about?
What is it
your looking for mate?
We're not hiding anything.
Fuck off
-No, you fuck off.
Oh God1
Let us into your caravan!
Eat me, Damien.
Oi hey!
Your off your
fucking head you are.
You filthy
Get out of here, mate.
Fuck off.
-Get out of it!
Fuck off.
What are you playing at bud? Oi!
Where is it?
-I don't know what
you're talking about.
You've been slying yourself
in on the deal all along.
Tell me where
you are hiding it.
Damien I dunno
what you're talking about.
Elgrand man...
Geez, you move a muscle
and I'll blow
your fucking brains out!
Okay? Just calm down.
Look, mate, I don't know
what's the problem is--
-Give me the fucking red box.
Don't be going to do
anything silly now Damien.
Drop the gun Damien.
Click clack
What's going on?
I'm going in
Jesus Christ, get the fuck back.
What are you doing?
Damien, what the fuck?
Paulie, get back.
Everybody move.
-Get back
Everybody back, come on.
Get the fuck back
-Everybody back.
I'm here.
Come on.
Don't you fucking move.
You baked today, kid ?
-I smell fresh bread on you.
I can find you
in the dark, kiddo.
-Oh yeah?
A gun is a force
for either good or evil
dependent on who possesses it.
Get rid of the heat kid.
Alright Boyle I've got it now
Okay, It's under control.
-Back off!
-Fuck off.
You want to spend the rest
of your days behind bars, sonny?
Damien, you've got your
whole life ahead of you.
Suck my ass.
Do you wanna miss
the Saturday Cha-cha dance?
'Coz that's what's gonna happen
the way you are carrying on.
I don't care about the
Cha-cha Supper dance anymore.
But we can have your special
little cocktail sausages...
Alphabet-y spaghetti.
And those toastable waffles.
And cherry trifle.
And ice-cold beer.
And all the nice iced
cold beer you can drink.
And an arse-licking
country band.
Hee fuckin' haw!
So get out! Get out! Go, Go!
It's crying shame
how many of our minors
have such major problems...
You ok?
-Yeah great.
Alright kid, now drop the gun
and come on out.
Listen to Boyle, Damien.
I'm gonna kill myself!
Why the hell do you wanna
go and do a thing like that?
'cause I'm a result of
my upbringing, the
oppressed environment I live in.
I'm the victim of my own
fucked-up circumstances
and it's time
to relieve you all of the
burden I've put on
everyone around me.
Fair enough.
-You are not that bad Damien.
And I was abused.
-You were what?
Abused, I was fucking abused!
Abused by who?
Mr. Griffiths
Geography or music?
The Welsh one, music.
He used to dress me up
as Shirley Bassey.
And then what?
He made me sing
the theme tune from Goldfinger
and tons of other classics.
Diamonds are forever...
This is my life...
I am what I am?
I who have nothing?
All of 'em. Big spender...
Did he touch you?
He just accompanied me
on the little piano thing
you blow into.
Did he...?
Did he...?
Did he...?
No he didn't lay a finger on me.
Dame, don't do this.
I was fucking abused!
Damien, don't fucking do this,
for fuck sake.
Just listen to me.
-Fuck you!
You can get help for
your Shirley Bassey
- Arrgh!
- Damien!
- Jesus!
- -That's a new fucking skylight...
Fucking hell, you knobhead!
Fucking hell!
You've got a
fucking lot of explaining to do.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Fucking hell.
Have you told us
the whole truth?
I told you everything.
The guys in the Diplomat are
gonna turn the park into an
exclusive luxury marina paradise
I saw the picture.
How could you go against
your own family like that?
I fucked up.
You certainly
fucked up my holiday.
I'm sorry.
You killed the pilot,
didn't you?
-I didn't kill anyone.
You murdering little shit.
What happened with
Dooty Davis, Damien?
He was in a lot of pain.
He wanted to die.
-He was ill?
Yes, he was dying.
-So you shot him?
That's how he wanted to go.
He told me
it was what he wanted to do.
His little arm's never
gonna reach the trigger.
So he shot the
top of his head off?
-I helped him, that's all.
You helped him
shoot the top of his head off?
And then I thought I could
get in on the pharma deal.
I put the gun shells
in Solti's wagon,
made it look like it was him.
-He wanted to die, okay?
He wanted to go.
Crime doesn't pay
even if he get away with it,
It fucks up your soul.
What are you gonna do with me?
I want you to go to your room.
Does this mean I'm missing
the Cha-cha supper dance?
The way of the
transgressor is hard.
Go to your room?
He's a fucking killer.
Excuse me. Have we
still got a deal darling?
Fuck off.
Right now? Listen up everyone.
You may as well all know,
there's been an offer
put in on The Cha-cha.
Thing is, unless we come up with
the money to counter this offer
The Cha-Cha's
history in 30 days.
30 days.
-Jesus Christ.
I've been doing
some calculations,
and I reckon that
another trip to France
could put us in a position
to make a
counteroffer on the lease.
Who's gonna fly the plane?
Mr. Buttering's
offered to fly the plane.
- No I haven't.
You've gotta help us out.
I don't have to do anything.
All you have to do is
fly the fucking plane.
Yeah, well, I won't do it.
Won't or can't?
Please, just... no.
These people need your help.
All you gotta do is fly the
old crate to France and back,
that's all you gotta do.
I can't fly that plane.
Why not?
How old
do you think I am young fella?
Uh, I dunno. 69.
That's right. I'm 69 years old.
We wanted to come here
so we could go out with a,
a little dignity.
Us old fuck-wits here
We don't want to rot away
in some shit-dump nursing home.
I'd fly that plane up there
myself if I could. But I can't.
What I can do is
look you in the eye...
and ask for your help.
I can't.
- Oh no.
What's the matter,Solti?
What is it?
The accident, the Jesus,
the goats! They despise me!
Tell us about it, Solti.
Get it off your chest, son.
I was on a
regular training flight...
transporting a herd of
regimental formation show goats
to the Royal Welsh Show
in Builth Wells.
And everything
was going just great.. .
We'd trimmed out at 18,000 feet,
200 knots on autopilot.
I was sipping a nice hot latte
as we banked
across the Severn Reach.
My life was as wonderful
as I ever wanted it to be.
And then the captain goes
to the loo and
he lets me sit in his seat
and I get a call from
the control tower in Bristol.
They inform me that we're
sharing the same flight path
as a westbound Ryanair 737.
And they tell us
to move up 2,000 feet.
Not a problem.
It's very routine.
I flick the
auto switch to manual,
and prepare to carry out
a standard step-up procedure.
And then my life fell apart.
My whole life fell apart,
in front of my very eyes.
You see, the colour coding
can be confusing.
I flicked the
cargo side door switch
instead of the side trim switch
The wrong button.
-By the time I got
the door closed again,
the goats had
jumped out into the clouds...
That was it.
Forty dead goats
splattered across a
Newport Hyundai dealership.
Two salesmen killed.
It was in the papers
They took away
my training license.
I was charged
with criminal negligence.
I spent 18 months behind bars.
So what's the problem?
You need to get back
into the saddle son.
Get your confidence back
behind the wheel.
It's not a wheel, It's a yoke.
I don't have a training license.
I can call them right now
and have them waiting
with the cargo in five hours.
You save us old goats and
maybe all them goats out there,
would be willing to move on.
I am not flying
to France on my own.
I was going with you anyway.
Fuel her up.
Good man! Good man!
How's the fish?
It's unusual. I quite like it,
Bit fishy...
My granny told me
this song when I was little.
We used to sing it every Sunday
night in the caravan.
It's beautiful.
You sure you're gonna be
all right
flying this plane tomorrow?
I've never felt so confident
about anything in my life.
Dooty said she could be a
little temperamental on takeoff.
Now your fucking telling me!
She'll want to push up to about
six and half thousand revs but
ease back on a shallow climb.
You've got plenty of runway
to play with. Good luck.
-Thank you.
And the landing gear
is temperamental.
Don't worry about it.
It'll either work or it won't.
Holy shit.
Fuel line...
Try now.
Chocks away.
Holy fuck!
What is it?
That's a desperate fish.
-A what?
That's the weird fish
the funny fellas
caught down by the river.
It's a death spirit fish known
locally as a desperate fish
Pysgod anobeithiol?
That's a
very rare creature that...
...lives in the darkest
river nooks.
-Are you sure?
Saw one with my own eyes.
Summer of '77
Same markings...
The only fellow who ate one was
Aled with the orange Allegro.
What happened?
Aled caught one of these off
his dinghy on the Upper Lliw.
Bunged the whole thing under
the grill with a bit of Sir Gar,
and scoffed the lot
from head to tail.
-And that when
thing's got messy.
Within an hour
of eating it he developed
a really, really dry cough.
The doctors could do jack shit.
Within two days
he'd lost his eyesight.
And his head had grown
to the size of a shire horse.
By day three he was...
...pissing through his arse
and shitting through his mouth.
His body was covered in enough
puss-ridden boils
to make a custard tart.
He was buried within the week
Hell of a fish mind
-Oh, and what a
lovely one it is.
I hear you're the soon to be
owners of La Cha-cha.
Oh we are indeed, have you
uh, come to wish us luck?
Luck is what happens when
preparation meets opportunity.
Heading off?
Ah, I got some business to
attend to
before we take over here.
You know how it is?
- I do.
I think we're gonna have
a couple of days
on our new motor yacht...
in Monaco.
- Nice.
No, Monaco.
- We're gonna call her
The Chacha.
Yeah. It's not exactly cheap,
but hey whats the point
in making the wedge if
you can't bloody enjoy it hey?
Maybe you should see
a doctor about that cough?
Oh thanks, I will.
Do you and your lovely wife
subscribe to private healthcare?
Oh, yes.
Bit pricey though, right?
-Not necessarily,
there are grades of private care
that make it more affordable,
such as...
sharing a room with one
or more people.
I don't share a room though.
We don't believe in sharing
The more personalized care
really matters
when you're properly ill.
It's also nice to see the
same doctor
throughout one's treatment.
I'd definitely see someone
about that cough.
-Oh, I will.
Laters Gators
Right then.
Do you believe in god ma'am?
You have a faith?
Could say that
If you leave here,
never to return,
you'll experience a deep feeling
of happiness that you
have never felt before.
Drink this at sunrise
and at sundown.
What is it?
-This is our gift
The gift of life.
We wish you a safe journey.
Thanks. We'll, uh,
hit the road then.
Clunk click poor fucking trip.
Chip, come in, love.
Hey Chip here...
Any sign of em?
Negative, nothing.
Fucking starving me.
They'll be back before sundown.
Hotdogs for tea.
Yes, so good.
Maybe when you get this message,
can you call me please?
Thank you.
Straight voicemail every time.
Fucking hell.
What do you think's happened?
Any number of things
could have transpired.
Maybe they're all being nicked.
They'll nicked this stuff
and fucked off to Ireland.
Or stayed in France.
Desirable place, France.
Don't be so ridiculous.
Try 'em again.
Oh for fuck's sake.
Where the fuck are they?
Something's happened.
Engine failure?
-Oh God no.
Inclement weather?
Visibility's bloody perfect.
Fuck are we gonna do?
-Nothing we can do.
If The Cha-cha does go tits up,
we go tits up with it.
No way could I get by
on the outside.
Oh, you'll be all right Iris...
At least you've got a trade.
-Oh yeah, right.
Never making enough
with hand shandies
in those care home high chairs.
Well Blow job then.
..all those nappies.
What about you, boys?
I've not found anything like
I've got a La Cha-cha
since my army days.
I feel comfortable
in the closet here.
You're right there.
No pressure, no rush son.
I opened the wardrobe door
seven years ago,
I've never looked back.
Different story
on the outside though,
Wife will take you back, surely?
Nah, never.
She's never forgiven me
for bowling off with Colin.
What about the kids?
They hate me.
More than she does, mate.
What all seven of them?
I got nothing on the
outside mate. I got nothing.
You're my family now,
all of you.
What about you lovely boy.
Even if we lose The Cha-cha,
I ain't going anywhere.
But what if
they don't come back?
Shit, all the past time,
staying right here.
You see, The Cha-Cha
has been a safe haven
from the raging storm within me,
and I would rather
kill myself than go back
into that sick,
sick world I came from.
You wouldn't?
I've thought it through.
I'll top myself.
How will you..?
Sack full of mushrooms
is the way I want to go
And you'll bury me by the lake
where the water birds
make their nests.
A place of
infinite beauty and happiness
where I loved
sitting with you all.
The people I love more dearly
than you'll ever know.
I'll go with you, fella.
I'm not going anywhere, neither.
Nor me.
My resting place
should be unmarked,
and I'd like to be left unknown.
She did it!
- Loads of it!
La La La Mmm
It's a crying shame we didn't
have kept a little something
back for the guys 'n dolls.
Kept back a hundred
Viagras. I'm gonna slip 'em
in a sherry trifle.
You fucking twat!
Welcome to the pleasure dome.
A ding dong!
Doo Doo!!
Fair winds and gentle seas
Granddad Eddie.
Hey. How you doing?
-Hey, how you doing man?
Right? Listen up everyone.
So I've got some good news
and I've got some bad news.
The good news is
we've made the target and we can
renew the lease on The Cha-cha!
What's the bad news, Libby?
The bad news is we still got a
dead pilot in our deep freeze.
Bury him here...
Good call.
-You're kidding me.
Okay by me.
-Lovely bit of fertilizer.
Well I guess it's time for all
of us to thank Mr. Buttering
from Ballaghnatrillick.
- For saving all your
saggy old wrinkly arses
It's me that should be
doing the thanking.
I've had the best
bloody holiday of my life.
I love this place.
And I love all of you.
I'm sorry.
Stupid, oh...
-Love's never having
to say sorry.
People say you
can't live without oxygen.
But I think love
is more important.
Where are you off to?
-I'm heading off
Heading where?
-I've been invited to Monaco
to have drinks with Shirley
Bassey in the hotel Dupree.
Mr. Griffiths would be proud.
You want to watch yourself.
They don't fuck around
over there, kid.
In Monte Carlo, you're guilty
until proven wealthy.
Fucking hell! That sherry trife
is a little bit special
isn't it?
I've had four already,
very unusual.
Very unusual.
Enjoy it Pat?
It's not trife.
-Oooh ach it is
Let's Cha-cha.