Lady Ballers (2023) Movie Script

What are you doing, man? What are you
You guys are doing great, man. You're
doing so you're doing such a better job.
And honestly, this time it's going to what
the hell? You call that a pass? You called
that a catch. Your mom's a catch. She's
your mom, too.
Hey, get off the floor. What's the matter
with you? You're playing like JV girls out
there. And for the record, your mother is
not a catch. She was sightedly unfaithful
to your dad. Come on,
Coach. Gabe gonna be all right. No,
Gabe's not gonna be all right, David.
Gabe blew his ACL and probably our chance
at being state champ. But, Coach, you're
already a state champ. Two time state
champ. It's true for me. This is a
minor step back. For you boys,
this is it. This is your shot. No state
championship means well. It means no
making your parents proud. It means no
scholarship to Michigan. But Michigan's my
dream. It means Gabriel died in vain. You
said it was his ACL. Well, he can't score
points in the second half, so he's dead to
me. What about me and Blaine? I mean, I'm
being honest. I see you both ending up
used car salesmen. Either way, nice. But
you can kiss your chances with Rebecca
VanderKamp goodbye. Damn. She isn't any
you. No, she isn't any you.
Come on, Coach. You must have something to
help us win. I already threw three chairs
on the sidelines, pal. I don't know what
else you want from me. And that was
inspiring, for sure.
But what? You know,
you want to pep talk Alex? Is that it?
You think I'm like one of those coaches on
TV who can just give a speech and change
the face of every young man in a locker
room? That I could, by dent of my rhetoric
alone so stir the hearts of my team as to
snatch victory from the jaws of certain
defeat, that by the virtue of my soaring
oratory alone I might muster the animal
spirit in each and every one of you, that
you might do the impossible. Strive
harder, dig deeper. And say to that
ancient enemy of man who promised an easy
life with no suffering or glory no,
not me, not today to call forth the future
and all the wonderful and terrible
possibility it holds. Not for the meek.
But for the bold, for the brave, for those
willing to risk it all that history might
remember their names, remember their
struggle, and remember what it means to be
a tiger. To those who say in the voice of
thunder, winners are just losers
who win I said, winners are just losers
who win. Winners are just losers who
win. Winners are just losers who win.
Winners are just losers who win. Let's get
out there. Let's go. Let's go.
You're a god among men, Coach. I am,
Cowboy. I really am.
It's Felix sake.
It's over. But it's just starting,
can't you see? Ain't going nowhere until
the others finally see it takes a
strong one to stand and face the
cup me don't
know about
it ain't alphabetical
they are calling you Coach Miracle. The
coach of the new millennium, the future of
basketball. What do you say to that?
What do you say for yourself, lady? What
can I possibly say that three state
championships hadn't said already? Go
Tigers. Nice. Any indication
the future looks bright for Coach Miracle.
Go Tigers.
What does it take to be a man? Is it
money, fame? Respect?
Maybe. But what do those things have in
common? What do they take to achieve? You
have to win. You have to be a winner
tonight. I have a question before you
gentlemen. You gonna go out there today
and play like it's just another game? Or
are you gonna go out there and play like
this could be the beginning of dammit,
Kevin, could you put the cell phone down,
buddy, please? Dwayne guys,
this is serious. Sports can be your
pathway to a better life. Well, like
yours. No, not like mine.
Better like this.
The global games. When I was a kid, you
had to be an elite athlete just to try out
for the games. Never let any loser try any
loser. And if that loser happens to win,
well, now he's
not a loser at all, is he?
He's a winner. Isn't that worth something?
Isn't that worth a shot?
Nothing? No.
All right, good talk, boys. Please don't
steal my catalytic converter again on your
way out. Yo can't talk to us like that.
You're right, Kevin. I'm sorry,
buddy. You dropped your cordless
reciprocating saw.
Kevin really feel like
he would have heard that?
It's racism, Rob. You can't tell a bunch
of teenage boys not to steal. Yes, you
can, Gary. It's one of the most important
things you should be teaching them. It's
literally in the Bible. Which you also
can't teach them. You're 86 from the rec
center, pal. Come on, you know I need this
job, Gary.
You sorry,
Miss Brethwell. I'm normally very
punctual. This is the fourth time, Mr.
Dibson. What's that?
This is the fourth time. It's the
obedience trap, lady. I can't hear
anything through it. This is the fourth
time. Crying out loud. I don't even have a
catalytic converter. You got to speak up.
This is the fourth time. See, there you
go. You're a beautiful woman. It's a
beautiful day. Maybe a little concealer
next time.
Put her there, kiddo. Hey, what's wrong?
You were really late, Daddy. I know,
baby girl. What can I say? Daddy was on
the court. Okay? On the court. There she
is. What'd that big brain of yours learned
at school today? We learned all about the
Cold War. Oh, yeah? Our history teacher
led us in a moment of silence for all the
workers exploited by the capitalistic
system. You should ask your history
teacher which side people ran to when the
Berlin Wall fell. What's the Berlin Wall?
Oh, and Mary Margaret showed me her penis.
Some boy showed you his penis? What? No.
Not a boy, daddy. Gross. Mary Margaret.
She's a girl. Girls don't have penises,
Winnie. Mary Margaret does. Penises are
weird. Can we stop saying penis, please?
Where'd this happen anyway? In the
bathroom. Well, why are they letting boys
in the girls bathroom? Why do you keep
misgendering, Mary Margaret?
Misgendering? What are you talking about?
It's very transphobic of you. How do you
know the word transphobic? I'm eight years
old. Exactly. You're eight years old.
Okay, boomer.
You know what? It's fine. We'll just have
to get you into a private school. Some of
them have good sports programs. Private
schools reinforce white patriarchal
privilege. Teach you that at public
school, did they? No. Mommy's boyfriend
Chris told me he's an ally. Is he?
We'll see about that.
Hi. How are you? You have
a good time? Yeah, Daddy. Who's. Okay. Is
he late? Okay.
Hey, we need to talk.
Thank you for picking up Winnie, Robert.
We're married for 15 years. Darby can call
me Rob. Darby and Robert will do
just fine, Coach. Rob. Oh, good. My
lover's. Former lover.
Look at us. One big unconventional family
lover. I think your transition into
divorce will be smoother if Coach moved in
with us. Absolutely not. Never going to
happen. Well, Coach, now that we're
basically co, dads, I was wondering if
you'd like to help me train for the
Nashville runs.
$5,000 prizes. My body's a sacred temple.
I'm all about physical fitness, bug based
foods, mRNA vaccines, equitable and
inclusive hiking. There it is. My lover
says you were a great coach back in the
day. Honey, why don't you go help Winnie
with her homework? Light and love,
Coach. Light and love.
Is this the guy you replaced me with?
Seriously, I'm not having this
conversation. Yeah, well, I don't like the
things that he's teaching Winnie. How
about that? Chris is a good man who cares
about other people and the world around
him? It's not just winning some stupid
game. Hey, basketball is not a stupid
game. And winning matters. It's the key
ingredient in becoming a winner. Maybe you
should try it sometime.
Can I help you? Yeah, I used to work here.
They said I could come back anytime. How
long ago was this? 25 years. Is this still
compact disks forever? Not for the last 24
and a half years. But it doesn't matter.
You're hired. Cool. You don't need to ask
many questions first. We only have one
question at the doll house. What's your
bra size?
What's up?
It what
a way to make a living.
I just had no idea men could be so handsy.
Really makes you think about how you treat
women. Thanks, babe.
What the heck happened to you, Coach?
That's just it. Nothing happened to me. I
stayed the same and the world changed.
One day it's all about winning. The next
day, they want you to lead from behind.
Don't be mean to the kids. Don't push them
so hard. Don't make fun of the losers.
Are you supposed to win that way, man?
What about you? You know,
everyone always told me I could do
anything I wanted. So what does any kid
who can choose anything in the world?
Actor. Actor. Always thought you were
straight. I am straight.
Who could doubt it? Well, either way,
turns out white male of non exotic
sexuality is the only ethnic group not
being cast by Hollywood these days. Yeah.
I hear Disney's gonna make the new snow
white. And neurodivergent lesbians.
Neurodivergent black lesbians. I don't
understand the world wasn't that long ago
we were champions. Winners. You're the
fastest point guard in Tennessee. No, I'm
still pretty fast. Yeah?
How fast are we talking?
Just going to the end of the alley and
back. Nothing to it. On your mark, get
set. Coach, this is ridiculous. I got to
get some sleep. I'm working nine to five.
You hear yourself, right?
Buddy, we're talking about $5,000 here.
Think about what we could do with that
money. Think about what we could not do
with that money.
I do miss being a winner. Yeah, you do.
Knowing who you were, knowing your
purpose. That's what I'm talking about.
Your money could be nice. Damn right it
would be. Fine. Hold my
heels. Had a boy.
On your mark, get a setup.
We are definitely homeschooling.
Not bad for a girl.
Seriously, buddy, I think with some
training and some excellent coaching, you
could be competitive. No.
How much?
We're not actually, ladies I see
it. How much wonder
all right, Coach, you got this. Just like
the old days. You get out there and win.
Here we go.
You're late. Tina made me clean all the
fry traps again. I nearly got grease all
over my good wig. Now we'll lose the wig,
would you? We're in public, for crying out
loud. Coach Rob.
Daddy. Hey.
There's my girl. Former lover. Don't call
me that. You came to cheer me on?
Actually, I'm here professionally. What
profession? You remember Alex, my former
student? Oh, hey, Mrs. G.
Yay, daddy. You're going to be a coach?
Yes, I am.
I see you.
Okay, big guy. We feel seen. Thank you.
Just going to go get seen by the
registration lady. Good luck, pal.
Thank you. I need
to register my athlete, please. Name?
Alex Cruz.
I'm sorry, sir. The men's events are all
full. Next. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you
talking about? You're late and there's
nothing I can do, so next. That's
bullshit. He's a
white man. I've been here the whole time.
Cut me some slack. I need to help the next
athlete. Help him what? You said it's
full. Are you going to move? I am not.
Coach, I'm sorry. I couldn't find my
wipes. Oh, my crap. You're a trans woman.
Oh, my crap, I taste an ally.
There you go, miss. This is everything you
need for the women's heptathlon and all
other events. And you know what? I'm just
going to go ahead and waive that entry
fee. It is so wonderful what you're
doing. No, I'm not.
I'm just glad we were able to get this
worked out without having to get social
media involved. Please, I have
a family and a queer dog.
Oh, she tastes me
down. Let me down. Coach. What the heck
was that?
I'm not going to compete against women.
Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how
much faster even a man past his prime like
you is than a female athlete past his
prime? High school boys can run faster
than world record female sprinters.
You're going to get out there and you're
going to beat these chicks. I'm a man.
Says who? I have. That doesn't matter
anymore. Look, my eight year old daughter
told me all about it. This is the way the
world is now. This is wrong.
We wear a dress every freaking day.
When's the last time you could say we were
wearing the dress of a champion? When's
the last time you could look in the mirror
and say, this is the makeup of a winner?
The tatas of a titan.
You're wearing a thong, aren't you? Yeah.
You're staying? Character unbelievable.
This is the hand life of belchi. Are you
going to waste it or are you going to get
out there and be the best lady you can be?
Best lady I can be. That's a spirit.
There we go. So we
not it alone. She knows she's
got it all get
it right. Keep it tight like a psycho girl
burning brighter watch your fight,
lighten up the world. Keep your gucci,
keep your coach and keep your product.
She's okay with second hand and working
harder. Go to sight every night like a
psycho girl. She's a psycho girl. Be like
a psycho girl. Go.
Don't look at me. Run, you son of a bitch.
Get it right. Keep it tight like a psycho
girl burning brighter watch your fight,
lighten up the world. Keep your gucci,
keep your coach and keep your products
she's okay the second hand and working
harder. Golden sight every night like a
cycle girl. She's there's
breaking news tonight from the all city
Heptathlon where Alex Cruz, a brave
and beautiful trans woman, has taken gold
in the female competition, winning in
every single event by wide margins.
That's right, drake and Wiaw's own Gwen
Wilde is on the scene with more from this
unprecedented moment. Thanks, Stacey.
Indeed, history was made today as middle
Tennessee's own Alex Cruz, a brave and
beautiful former high school basketball
state champion, absolutely dominated the
women's heptathlon, setting new records in
both javelin and shop putt the
secret to her success, according to Alex,
her coach. I want to thank my parents for
always supporting me no matter what. And
my coach, Rob Gibson. I've never once been
a winner without him.
Gwen. Stacey Santiago. O'Brien here.
There's no question that good coaching can
make a difference. But isn't there another
reason why Alex might have completely
crushed the competition? I don't know what
you're saying, Stacey. I think Stacey is
referring to the obvious fact that Alex is
a what? Well,
I mean, as brave and beautiful as he is,
she she is brave and beautiful,
of course. But she does have certain
advantages over a real woman. Right.
Well, Stacey Drake, all I can say to
that is how dare you. Trans women are real
women and thus have no innate differences
with other women whatsoever. The only
story here for which I fully intend to win
a Pulitzer is that absolutely nothing out
of the ordinary happened here tonight.
And we should all celebrate the brave,
beautiful woman who did it. Back to you.
To you, bud. Probably the least sexy,
elite female athlete of all time. Hold on.
I've been informed that I am, in fact,
not only brave, but also beautiful. You
know what you are? You're $500 richer.
That's what you are. 500.
Cleaner taxes, attorneys fees, child
support. Well, not cheers
of that.
What is that? Bud Light I'm sponsored now?
No, buddy, they'll give that shit to any
dude in the press.
I better roll out. It's Wednesday.
Tomorrow the only day with
double DS. It's a pretty big deal at the
doll house. Doll house? What are you going
back to that place for when you got a
corporate sponsorship and five Benjamins
in your bra? I don't know. I guess I don't
completely hate it there. And a man can't
live on $500 for long. $500 is just the
beginning, Gwen Wild. Come on,
let's cut to the chase. I know you're not
a woman. How? He identifies
david, I'm a journalist. I literally
cannot be shamed. And I don't care how you
identify. Unless you've cried three times
in the same day from the pain of menstrual
cramps. Frustration with your boyfriend
for not understanding the pain of
menstrual cramps. And frustration with
yourself for being so mean to your
boyfriend for not understanding the pain
of menstrual cramps. You are not a woman.
That's strangely specific. It's cute that
you think so. But you just did that entire
story to what? To make a name for myself?
To get clicks? To gain power? What part of
I'm a journalist do you not understand? I
guess all of it. Look, what do you know
about the US. Opens for the Global Games?
First time in history amateur athletes can
compete to represent the USA. Exactly.
The diversity and inclusion crowd decided
to democratize the Global Games. Now
anyone has a chance.
Any woman has a chance.
Don't you see? Men are faster, stronger,
meaner. The entire reason we created
women's sports was to keep you out.
But now.
Soon all the best women will be men.
Cheating, low life men like
you. You want us to compete
as women? Think of the sponsorships.
Think of the fame. People will hate us.
People will love you. How do you know?
Because I'm going to tell them to. That's
the deal. I won't tell the world the truth
about you and in exchange, I get to tell
them the lie. I get the exclusive,
plus half the money. Half? Go home.
Think about it. You'll see I'm right.
Not you. Coach. You're going home with me.
You're a winner now. Every woman wants a
winner. You literally just called me a
cheating, low life one.
Now put your tongue down my throat.
Coach. Alex, we could play basketball.
Could be like the old day. We'd have to
get the whole team back together. You
think there's a chance?
You know you always get a fair deal on
wheels and three square meals here at
Crane and Company.
And if you need a ride to the airport, we
can do that, too. Because we have two
gently used love wagons and one of us is
more than happy to give you the ride of a
Isn't that the hot little money? Since
1987, we've had our own continuously
operational smorgasbord on site.
Isn't that the hot little money? So
whether that's wheels on meals or a ride
to the airport, we do it all for you.
Middle Tennessee.
And we sell mailbox.
All right, ladies. Good job. Listen, if
you don't have dinner later, just make
sure you call me up. Just let me know.
Should have gone to med school. Awake,
Daddy. Boom, tell me
the cameras are still rolling.
You have lost your mind. You've lost your
mind. What did you just say? You heard me.
Look clean to me, boys. Tosh Alex.
It's good to see you boys still love the
game. Means we can get right to it. Yeah,
coach, what's the deal with that? You need
another catalytic converter again or
something? Yes, I do, Jake. But that's not
why we're here. We're here on serious
business. Basketball business.
I can get the blinds, please. Code eleven.
You guys are going to love what
fresh hell is this?
Oh, yeah,
it oh, yeah.
This, my friends, is the Crane Cave.
Alex, is that a purse? It's a
It's a purse.
What is this, my man? This is
where the action happens.
What's this one, my man? This is
where the action happened. In the same
room? Yeah.
Gentlemen, take a seat.
Let's talk basketball.
We're getting the old state champs back
together. For what? Just say.
Alex and I are working on a new strategy.
Something to get us back into the game
professionally. Coach, we're old. We're
out of practice. We're in. We're in.
Coach. What, bro?
Professionals. Honestly,
when's the last time you felt like
someone? I mean, I kind of always feel
like someone, but when's the last time you
got laid. We're in. Now, you guys got
David already, right? Coach, we have to
have the human tower. No one's heard from
David since he blew that college
championship game. But there have been
I'll get my hiking boots.
Hey, Coach, you didn't mention the hold.
One thing at a time, Buddy. One thing at a
Got it. GBS says we're here.
I don't see anything.
Damn it. I lost the signal.
The hell was that?
David. Coach.
What are you guys doing here?
I mean, it's fine. You're all very safe.
We are not safe,
Coach. My life is here. I'm a man
of peace. Now, how many badgers have you
All but one. Ma'am. This jerk
is great. What is venison?
Squirrel? Look,
David, I get it, man. You're fat, you're
old, you're slow, you're very fat.
Like Shaquille O'Neill if he was mediocre
and white.
That's it. That's the pitch. Yeah, coach,
I'm not a good speech giver. I'm sorry.
Look, buddy, we need you. You're the heart
of the team. You're the center. I said no.
I can't go back. Not after the not
What was that? Badger humping?
I don't know, buddy. Maybe this is your
shot at redemption. I have been redeemed
through badger blood, redeemed through
basketball. This whole badger murder thing
is a weird tangent.
You guys should leave.
I'm not fat. Disgustingly fat.
We miss you, pal.
You're not not fat. You it.
What if this isn't about revenge at all?
What if it's just about basketball?
Please let me go. Shut your mouth, you
pervert. Badger.
I'll be back.
It coach.
I'm in. Nice.
Is that a purse? Play some basketball?
we just need one more player to round out
the squad. What about Jamal? Nah, he's
dead. Found him in the middle of the
street with a hole through the top of his
head. Cops said it was almost like some
type of laser from space and all over the
weird. What about that little guy he was
always picking on? Not a bad player.
Moisha revealed he was Maasad even back in
high school. Well, that's it.
That's everybody. My man.
Looking smooth. Man, you guys weren't
kidding. These Jeremy's razors are
amazing. And did you know that Jeremy's
now offers a razor specially designed for
women? And don't forget about
Jeremy's shampoo and conditioner. They
keep our hair silky and smooth.
Didn't we just find someone else from the
year before? No, it has to be somebody
from this team. The championship team. I
knew this was too good to be true. Hey,
what about Felix towelboy?
Felix guys. We used to shove him in the
lockers after we total
loser. I heard he's rich.
He's in.
I'm in.
What's with the cat? Cindy Clawford.
She was my grandma's cat, and now she's
mine. I love her more than anything in the
whole world, bro. I'm allergic to cats.
Cats are stupid. More of a dog guy.
I can't wait to show you guys around.
Who is this guy at the Willy Wonka the
Towel game? Oh, my God.
Come on. Towel boy has
become the towel man.
What do you do? Gym in your house? Oh,
yeah. After I sold my company, I thought,
I'm going to build the sickest gym for
when my bros come over.
But this is the first time we've ever come
over here, so it was
totally worth it. It's a draino
festival. Bring the kids. Oh, my goodness.
Nothing's changed.
Feels good to be back on the porch, big
guy. Oh, my God. Is that our mascot?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, big guy.
That's our old tiger mask. Dude, that's
not nurse. This is a purse, bro.
Hey, bud. Hey, dad not
dead. Come on. Dinner, please. I'll never
hurt you. I'll never hurt you.
Always love you. What are you doing? You
know, our boys got serious PTSD issues.
You've got PTSD? That doesn't even make
any sense. You don't make sense.
Welcome to Epstein's Island. You know,
too much lifted.
Whoa, ELO.
Hey. What the hell's the matter with you?
That is enough.
You have a coach whistle. That's funny. I
have a race whistle. That's not funny.
This is the Dream Team. Seriously,
what's up? I'm Jake, and I love poetry.
No one cares. What's up. I'm Blaine, and I
hate poetry. Easy, boys. This is my
I'm a reporter, and I'm here to start my
profile on the scene. Profile? Why would
we need a profile? We're just getting
You haven't told them? Told us what?
Told us what?
Ray bad.
It's not that bad. Really? Have you lost
your mind? You know the name Crating
Company, it still means something in this
town. And we're not going to besmirch it
in this way. I'm going back
to the woods. I've never been so disgusted
in my life. I ain't no chick, bro.
I'd cut my dick off for you, Coach. Just
say the word and it's gone.
And I'm not dragging him into it. I'm not
doing some stupid thing.
Come on, take a knee,
boys. No men.
I know I'm asking a lot of you. Hell,
I've always asked a lot of you, even when
no one else would. Even when you didn't
think you had anything left to give. Do
you remember where that got us? I do.
I remember holding that trophy in my hands
with you boys by my side. And where have
you gotten since I stopped asking too much
of you? Jake and Blaine running the
Skeeziest car lot on the skeeziest side of
town. David too afraid to even leave
the woods. It's so fat. I've gained three
pounds since high school. You're fat. And
Felix. I mean
Felix. You did all right. Nobody saw that
coming. You know what I'm offering you
now? Something nobody's offered you in a
long time. A chance. A chance at
success. A chance at dignity.
A chance at redemption.
What about me, coach kind of already ended
the speech, buddy.
Screw it. I'm in.
There's my boys. Me too.
So are we or aren't we cutting our dicks
off? Nobody's cutting their dicks off,
budy. I totally would, though, just for
the record. Dude, what's the
deal with those two heteropaternal
superfuckendation? They're half
brother twins.
Same mom, same time,
different dance. Sounds hot.
Daddy. Hey,
where's my little athlete? Oh, this is
Miss Gwen. Alex. Boyce, it's good to
see you. What's up, Mrs. G?
Hey, you.
Hello, Robert. Hello, Darby. Your hands
off my boyfriend.
Thanks for ringing by. Huh? I got a little
caught up. Look at this.
You got the state champs back together.
Yeah, we got a little something cooking,
if you can believe it. And a girlfriend.
She's a journalist. You can't believe
anything she says. No, it's fine.
I mean, why wouldn't you date?
I hope you're finally happy, Doc.
That's right. Walk away, bitch.
It's the mother of my child, okay?
Plus, I owe her a mortgage payment. It's
the newest one. This came out this year.
I saw a commercial for it. Lady Balders.
Man up. Come on.
Yes, sir. Ladies. Ladies. You look
ridiculous. Felix, get that bra off your
head. And you gotta shave your beard.
Girls don't have beards, right? Lots of
girls have beards, Daddy. My aunt
teacher's a girl. Her beard is gray.
Daddy's a little busy, so we're just going
to put those headphones right back your
little spawn is right. Girls can have
beards. It's a great headline.
What else has your teacher told you?
Heterosexual is a whole different
category. But really you only need a crap
ton of drugs or complicated surgery every
seven or eight months if your body gets a
big. So a guy can
become a girl with no physical changes at
all? They were always a girl.
Unless they decide they're guys again, in
which case they were always guys. But what
if they, like, go back and forth? Oh,
that's called jigger fluid. So I can be a
woman on the court and a man in the
bedroom? I can't believe it. Nice. You
mean when you're sleeping?
Yes. Okay, I think that's enough knowledge
for one day. Thank you, sweetie.
So any questions?
Yeah, coach? What is a woman?
Guys, it's easy. Women are just like men,
only better. Just shave your legs,
tell each other how brave you are for
things that require absolutely no physical
courage. And don't be afraid to cry at
work. Easy peasy.
All right, I think that's enough, ladies.
Better get some sleep. Tomorrow we start
winning. Let's go, brave you.
History is being made today, as for the
first time ever, the United States will
choose the athletes they send to the
Global Games. From a competition open to
all Americans. It's nice to know the
little guy has a chance for once. Gwen.
During my two weeks of sensitivity
training, I discovered that I am not only.
A raging scoliosexual, but also one 2048th
pure Dakota Indian, so I know what it's
like to overcome adversity. Right,
Stacy? Stacy Santiago O'Brien
is my slave name.
Stacey drake, back to you.
Remember that feeling, boys. The thrill of
the crowd.
Are you crazy? What?
All right, pack it up. Pack it up. Here we
go. Here we go.
That's the end of the men's qualifying
round. Up next, the women who
owns this game, ladyball who was born for
this game, ladyball who loves America.
Ladyballers who can keep a secret.
Ladyballers. Ladyballers on 3123.
Ladyballers Sadie's.
Basketball, boys. Nobody watches. You said
the thrill of the crab. That was
rhetorical. How'd they clear out so fast?
It I don't know.
Hey, what's your problem? Never seen a
ladies basketball team before? Those
aren't like aren't what?
Guys, I'm getting paid, like, $50 to be
here. I don't care.
I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian.
All right, ladies, keep it clean. Keep it
tucked. Just throw it back
on deep. Back on deep.
What are they doing? I think they're
running a set. They're making me nervous.
Hey, watch out. Watch out.
Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
Get down the corn.
You that's
garbage technical.
And you shut the up. Franz phobic mother.
Oh, it welcome
to my rodeo welcome to my rodeo
welcome to my rodeo welcome to
my welcome to my welcome to my rodeo.
This is great. It's like watching men's
We're hugging. We're hugging. It's weird.
Ladyball forever, baby.
Davina. Yeah.
Guys, I'm on the team now.
That felt good.
The crowd loved us. Have you seen the
reaction on Social? We're heroes. I didn't
know it was going to feel this good. I
want to stuff myself in a locker.
How's it feel to be winners again, boys?
Amazing. Incredible. Amazing.
David, what's your problem?
I don't know, Coach. It's just some of
those girls we're out there beating,
they've worked their entire lives for this
opportunity. I didn't make the rules,
pal. Okay, but aren't we just using our
innate strength and speed to wail on
a bunch of girls in a competition where we
wouldn't stand a chance against other men?
None. I mean, Coach, what's that
make us? Winners? I'll take a course.
I would for a thousand growing couch. Not
cases. Cups of daily double.
Put a baby in me. What? No, you're right.
The last thing I need is another abortion
this year. You're a monster. What?
You have any idea what it takes to be a
female field reporter in the 29th biggest
media market? No.
Whatever. I just think what we're doing
here isn't right. No way.
I just got sponsored by Maybelline.
Nike wants me to be in a commercial about
tolerance or some crap. Nike wants me to
be in a commercial about tolerance or some
crap. I was just invited to the White
House to give a talk on women's rights.
You earn that, you own it. Slight girl you
go, girl. Welcome to the Virtue economy,
girls. And that's just from one game of
basketball. You could win at any
sport. You could win at every
sport. No. All right,
focus up, focus up. She's right, Coach.
We could dominate every woman's sport.
Running, swimming, soccer. I said sport,
Felix. Hey, we talked about this.
We should be kings. Queens.
No, that's not the plan. We're here to
play basketball. We still have four games
to go before we even qualify. You can't
assume they're all going to be this easy.
I'm with her.
Holy crap. They are going to be this easy.
It out in the streets,
you're fighting coming up in
a time where you
made it no one can take history
one small step for dudes one giant leap
for lesbian.
Always reaching, driving, sweating for it.
You're number one, so you know that got
him focused. There's a sleeping in when
you live the dream,
brother can't you see what
can take it for you?
You always had a day one of being a girl
athlete. I've already eaten a whole pint
of pistachio ice cream, given up on
parallel parking twice. Reread Sense and
Sensibility and started washing down
Benzodiazepines with Rose. I love you,
girl how'd I do? Ladies, this is
going to count on you.
Butterfly, just look inside we're waiting
on you you always had the freedom
take any commerce and be my pronouns
are I'm wrong you always
had the freedom no
mo ras.
If I'm really being honest, I've never
completely known myself. Or been known
until now. You've all overcome so many
obstacles. I've developed body positivity
issues. She's a. Yeah, it still hasn't
been easy. Some people wouldn't even let
us use the women's showers. No such
bigotry. You know, it's been especially
hard for Felix here, who was bullied in
high school. It's. She L coach.
Maybe you can just, like, not dead name me
for five freaking seconds. Okay. You know,
as my daughter Winnie has informed me,
one can even be trans age now, which
provides Shealix with a wonderful
opportunity to relive all the experiences
that she missed out on in school. Like
having my period never happened. Yes.
Let's go to the package.
What do you say, Coach, to people at home
who suggest your athletes have unfair
natural advantages and LeBron doesn't?
Tiger doesn't. We're talking about elite
athletes, Quinn. Of course they have
natural gifts. What about people who say
that women could never compete in men's
sports? Well, that's a lie. Caitlin Jenner
won the men's decathlon in 1976. My ladies
were high school state champions in boys
basketball. Some would say they were boys
back then. Well, anyone who would say that
doesn't understand science.
That was fun. You want to grab some
avocado toast and time into the furnace
again? I think the blisters are starting
to heal from last time. Not here, you
idiots. That was awesome. Mr.
Wild. Who said you could speak to me.
Okay. You did it,
Daddy. Hey, there she
is. Okay, daddy's going to talk to the
girls. Score 1 minute. Can you wait for me
over there?
Bella's? Where's the after party? No party
for me, Coach. Gotta work on my backhand
so I can make the women's tennis team
tomorrow. Yeah, we're out, too, Coach.
Got a couple hawkheads coming over to the
office for an old fashioned sleepover.
Y'all know girls don't have sex with each
other at sleepovers, right? Wait, what?
Look, they told me Internet made a
mistake. I didn't make this. That's why I
gave you lying. Well, that's why mom hated
you. Felix got a
blog, babe. Day three of being a girl
athlete. I already have 2 million
followers. Like and subscribe bitch.
Well, hey, I need you fresh tomorrow for
the game. How? I don't stay up all night.
I'm always fresh, girl.
Hey, that was quite a display back there
with the waterworks. You all right? I
meant every word. This is the best
experience of my life, Coach. I feel like
a brand new woman. Brand new man.
What? Oops. Where is my head?
I've got to get to the spa for a manipetty
before the game tomorrow.
That was weird.
Mommy. Hi, sweetie.
Can you go wait with Chris in the car for
a second? Mommy needs to talk to Daddy for
a minute.
What's up? You have to stop, Rob.
Stop what? The Crane boys. Really? What
about them? They barely even bother to
shave their legs. My former lover the
turf. Oh, please. Look, I don't know what
to tell you. My girls say they're girls,
so they're girls, but they don't even
believe it. Except maybe Alex. That kid
isn't well. No.
You know what? I think they need a
Half of these ideas come from Winnie. You
know, between your stupid woke school and
your stupid woke boyfriend. That's
different. How is it different? Chris,
he's big hearted. You're taking
advantage so guys like Chris get to just
make this crap up, and if I go along with
it, I'm taking advantage? That's real
nice. You're better than this, Rob.
You're the one who couldn't handle being
married to a loser. You're the one who
told me to try winning sometime. I never
cared if you won or lost. I just wanted
you to be happy. You were always so
unhappy. Well, take a good look, because
I'm happy. Baby, you know this is wrong.
I'm happy and my girls are happy. They're
not real girls,
No, you know what? Fine. I'm the bad guy.
Come on, Winnie.
At least we still have each other.
Alexa. What's? Get in the game.
Come on.
Excuse me. Are these seats open?
Never mind. Told you we should have sprung
for the box seat.
Put your prop I think the girl broke my
nail. Get off my foot.
You tennis looks so easy.
Flair. Would you run a freaking marathon
last night? Let's just say david was wrong
about the girl's sleepover last night.
Coach jake.
Let's just say David was wrong about the
girl's sleepover last night, Coach.
Monica from the Hawkettes played a little
one on one with her last night. Shirts and
skin style. Kept me up like half the
night. What? Monica kept me up half the
night. Which half? Do you told
you not to talk. You must have that's.
It all right.
What can I say? It wasn't a pretty win,
but it was a win. My girls look forward to
participating in the championship game
tomorrow. That's it. Any questions?
Daddy, can we talk? Daddy's a
little busy right now, honey. Can we?
Of course you can, baby. Anytime.
Come on, sit down. Yeah.
I'm sorry you saw mom and dad fighting
last night. That's not for you. I want to
be a boy.
What? I want to be a winner just like you,
What's that have to do with being a boy?
Boys are better at everything. Honey,
that's just not true. They're better at
basketball. Okay, yeah, basketball and
swimming. Okay, MMA. That goes without
saying. And running and javelin, power
lifting, shot putt. Hockey, karate,
football, hole vault driving, parking,
most of the stem fields. Rock and roll.
Opening pickle jars. Okay,
yeah, boys are better at all of those
things. But those are just things,
Winnie. Things boys made up so we'd have
something to be good at.
Doesn't matter anyway, because girls can't
become boys. Boys clearly can't
become girls. Listen,
women are better at all kinds of things.
They can be nurturing and sensitive and
empathetic. Better at doing lots of things
at once and caring for a lot of people at
once. They're better at communicating and
building community.
And they civilize men.
It's the only reason we have a
civilization. No women,
no world. Did Mommy civilize
She tried.
I think she's still trying.
Plus, Mommy brought you into the world.
That's a superpower no man will ever have.
Yeah. Okay.
You go with Mommy. Daddy's got a few
things to figure out.
The sunset is rising the love we feel
despite our faults could change hearts for
some just a sip more brandy seems
perfectly sad or at least
the feel is fine we
break bread again we see our
wicked truth and make plans my
God, you're weak. How the hell did you get
in here? You gave me a key. I absolutely
did not give you a key. You're right. I
picked the lock. What do you want, Gwen?
What do I want? How about for you to stick
to your end of the deal? Your merry band
of losers almost shit the bed out there.
Yeah, we won, didn't we? And what's with
all this boys and girls are different,
honey? At least you can have babies crap.
Would you bug the locker room?
What if that had been for a different
network, idiot?
I'm sorry. I forgot I was Micked. Okay.
I just need you to be a winner, Coach.
Okay. No, I'm sorry. It's this divorce.
I think it's really starting to affect my
daughter. Seriously?
Of course your divorce is affecting your
daughter. 70% of all people in prison come
from broken families. She's twice as
likely to do drugs, twice as likely to
drop out of school, four times as likely
to have trouble fitting in, three times as
likely to end up in therapy, twice as
likely to commit suicide, 50% more likely
to have health problems. Do you people not
even do a freaking Google search before
you decide to blow up the planet your kids
live on?
Greeters Winnie's
going to be fine. Just keep fighting
with her mom and get her into a school
journalism program. She could end up like
me. Oh, God.
I just need you to focus on what really
matters. Winning.
Winning tomorrow and becoming the most
important news story in the history of
sports. Okay?
What we're doing to these women. The
entire concept of women's sports is wrong.
Stop It. You listen to me, Coach. These
are not sexy slaps. Do you hear me? Do not
get aroused right now. Not even a little.
I stake my entire future on this deep
transhumanist tech oligarchs and nihilist
college professors have already convinced
every self righteous housewife with
munchausen by proxy to sacrifice their
kids on the altar of false virtue.
The least we could do is get rich off it.
Gracie. You ruin this for me, and I'll cut
you in ways that don't lead to orgasm.
I'll cancel you. Robert.
Are we ever even going to have sex? How
It's an amazing day for Middle Tennessee
as 10,000 people are gathered right here
in Music City for the women's championship
basketball match in the first ever US.
Open for the Global Games. A big day for
sports and a big day for trans rights,
which are women's rights, which are human
rights. Why do you always get to talk
first? I beg your pardon? It's just
evidence of systemic sexism and racism.
Drake you Are Very White,
ladies and gentlemen and in between from
and from Santa fe the
skinless cowgirl why
is Gwen Wilde talking to their Coach?
What's wrong with his neck?
Ernest Burns. I dated girl like that once.
The Cowgirls seem to have made some last
minute substitutions. Keep talking, big
Those aren't the Santa Fe cowgirls. Let's
just say I made some substitution. Can't
substitute players in a qualification
match. Qualifying the players is the
entire point. There's no rule against it.
Yeah, pretty much. Just making it up as we
go. But they're not real. They're not what
she told me. There's a sniper here. It's
raptors right now. Help Me.
What's the story there, Coach?
Gentlemen, alex.
I've known you men since you were boys.
This isn't the first time we've walked
into a championship game as the underdogs.
Remember what happened last time. We won.
We won. So ask yourselves this.
What do we have then that we don't have
now? Practice. Youth? A black guy on the
team? Heart. We had heart. We had love of
the game. We had the desire to win and the
determination to do it. It wasn't about
money. Then sponsorships, fame. Trying to
keep the psychojournalists I've been
trying to sleep with from shooting us all
with sniper rifles. What? It was
about basketball. Wait, you got tied to a
furnace and didn't get laid? I like to
move slow, Blaine. It's called respect.
It was about love of competition, then
love of your teammates. Love of America.
And it was about one simple, beautiful
truth. Winners are just losers
who win. There he is. I said winners are
just losers, sir. Winners are
just losers who win. Winners are just
losers who win. Winners are just losers
who win. Winners are just losers. I'm so
sick of you doing that. How was I supposed
to know when to stop? Did you guys
practice? How are you, Rich?
Yeah, let's play some basketball.
bro, you know tampons are for real girls,
right? No. Now they're for people who
bleed. Where'd you even get those things?
I found them in Alex's purse.
Oh, Lordy. Where does he put oh, great
balls of fire.
Jake. Blaine. Hey,
Monica. Hey. There's something I have to
tell you both.
I'm pregnant. Who's the father?
Both of you?
Heteropaternal superfacendation man.
How did she know any of that? This soon?
And the sins of the father will be visited
upon the son even until the third and
fourth generation it.
What are we going to do? Coach?
Coach Gibson. Drake diamond wiaw news.
How, Coach. Win or
lose, you have clearly changed the game of
women's basketball forever.
Inasmuch as, no matter the outcome,
tonight, for the first time ever, the
American team won't include a single real
biological woman. How does it feel to
change the world? All right, that's
enough. Whoa. All right.
Don't push me off my land, white man.
Is literally every journalist a lunatic.
Coach, you all right?
Boys, we've taken this thing about as far
as we're going to take it. Coach is right.
They're not even real girls. We're not
even real girls. No, we're not. Jake.
We're not men, either. Maybe we still can
be. We just have to lose.
You mean we'll never be going to the
Global Games? I am already qualified in
powerlifting. I landed a spot on the swim
team and the marathon. 100 meters hurdles.
400 meters hurdles. I am the fastest
female jockey in the world right now. Not
to brag, but you're going to forfeit all
of those positions. Coach. Coach.
Guys, you don't want your legacy to be
erasing women from women's sports.
It's time to man up.
So what's the plan, Coach? Think I've got
it all figured out. But I'm going to need
you boys to buy me some time. Can you do
that? Yes, sir.
Coach, there's a little red dot on my
forehead. I know, but I know Gwen.
She's a vindictive little minx, but I
don't think she'd actually hurt anybody.
Hold up a
lucky penny.
Damn it.
Coach. You what,
pal? I understand why this is wrong.
I mean, Shake and Blaine as real women?
Please. It's a miracle we got away with it
as long as we have. But I do.
What? I am a woman.
I mean, all those years playing
basketball, I never really felt like
myself. Decade in Hollywood trying to
figure out who I really was. And then I
started working at the Dollhouse. And this
is the real me, Coach. This is who I am.
Proud of myself. For the first time, my
parents are proud of me. Would parents
ever not been proud of you, Bud? What do
you mean? Your parents love you, Alex.
That's a good thing. Parents should love
their kids. I shouldn't be proud of you?
Unconditionally. Should only be proud of
you when you do what's right. What we've
done here, this isn't right.
You're confused. I get that. We all get
confused sometime. And if you need help,
Buddy, I'm going to help you get it.
You got to believe me when I tell you
this. You are not a woman.
You're just a lost man in a lost world
with shitty parents and a real shitty
coach who've all gone along with this lie
instead of just hurting your feelings and
telling you the truth. How can you be so
sure I'm not a woman?
Good talk. Good talk.
And Tim, it's your boy Deuce
Johnson here. Let's play the basketball.
No. I have to do this.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an
announcement to make. I,
Blaine Crane of Ladyball Is Fame,
am not only a woman, which is obvious,
but I'm also a hot lesbian.
A lesbian in love.
Monica, my love. I knew I was
gay views since the first time I saw you.
Please come down here.
That's fine. I'll do it from here.
Monica, will you be my
lesbian wife? And I jake Clayton plays
lost fame. Of all he's super lesbian,
people say I'm the best upstairs around
right now. Monica, I love you. You're the
one for me. I'm trying to get married,
you dick. I'm getting married. I am, but
I'm hey, you're fighting.
Oh, no. She did.
How much?
That's the biggest dick I've ever seen on
a lady.
Come on. We're here to topple the
patriarchy, not each other.
Wait. The Ladyballers are making some
Come on, Coach. What is this?
What, you never seen a ladies basketball
team before?
What are they doing? I think they're
running a set. They're making me nervous.
Deeper. You get
on your man. Get on your man. Come on.
Hustle. Hustle. Proud of yourself?
Proud of the team.
Come on now. Hustle. I can still cancel
you. I can cancel all of you. You can.
You probably should. I won't.
You gave me a good story. It pains me
to say it, but you're a winner, Rob.
A reluctant winner, but still a winner.
I don't ever want to have sex with you.
No, I don't ever want to have sex with
you, either, Gwen. Really? Oh, no, I do.
I really, really do.
But I think our time together is heading.
See you around, Coach.
See you around, Gwen. All right,
ladies, form up. Form up.
um and
that was the heartwarming scene at today's
Global Games final qualifiers. Just about
the cutest thing I have ever seen. A true
testament to the power of sportsmanship.
Absolutely. Though ultimately, the little
girls were trounced. Final score 418
to 16.
Welcome to the grand reopening of the
Crane and Company luxury used cars and
youth sports center, where you can still
get a deal on new wheels. And now you can
help kiddos learn how to dunk and steal
here at Craning Company.
Still sell bail bomb? You still sell bail
bomb. Plus, kids will have a chance to
figure out who they really are from the
best coach anyone could hope for. Coach,
you want to come say a few words?
Sellers. Sellers. Fellas,
I look out at all your faces. Some of you
loved me even when I didn't deserve it.
Some of you slapped me when I clearly
deserved it. You tased me precious
little provocation. I'm sorry. I think
I have a restraining order against you.
Oh, I said was too much. Look at all these
families and children. How do
these people live like this? It's
disgusting. All of you helped me learn an
important lesson. There's only one win
that matters now. Let's play some
How big an investment did you make in
training company anyway? Oh, I own it
outright. Makes sense. Probably sell it
next week. Touche.
You're a good dad, Rob. You're a good mom.
Garb, I was thinking, why don't the three
of us get together this weekend, have a
little picnic? Oh, yeah. Why not?
Why not? Hey,
baldilock, I want to see a rebound. Come
on. Run that set again. Remember, winners
are just losers who do what's right. Come
on, now. Hustle, hustle, hustle. Use his
favorite line.
Here we go.
We'll get him next time. So silly.
Another sweet Daddy Walsh adventure comes
to a satisfying conclusion. What are you
talking about? I don't understand how
anything you did helped to make this
situation better. Don't you?
think it's over. But it's just starting.
Can't you see? Ain't going nowhere until
the others finally see it takes a strong
one to stand and face the coming
dark don't be our
heart no,
it ain't our heart it
ain't our burp S-A-O-F
grade Lacey Logan called me pretty. Not
handsome pretty. And that felt good.
Everybody loves a compliment. In 7th
grade, Moisha convinced me to steal Carly
Truitt's underwear from the girls locker
room. And I did. And god, they were so
soft, silky, you know, why don't they make
men's underwear more?
And in 8th grade, I had it down bad for
Jessica Montgomery. And I didn't feel like
a girl at all that year, you know what I
mean? But in 9th grade, Jessica broke up
with me. And I had a good cry.
Jake called me a sissy. And I don't
know why it's so wrong for men to cry.
Who made that rule?
You waiting for you. You always have the
freedom. Take it. Cover the freedom.