Lady in a Jam (1942) Movie Script

I'm much interested in this
report of Dr Enright's.
You mean, the relationship of
biochemistry to mental cases?
Yes. He's one of our bright, young men.
- Yes, he's rather amusing too.
The other day he suggested the real
psychopaths are wandering the streets.
That once a patient gets the sense to go
to a psychoanalytic clinic, he's cured.
That sounds reasonable.
Well, Billingsley.
- How are you?
Doctor Elsworth - Mister Billingsley.
- How do you do?
Won't you sit down?
What brings you here?
- I'm plenty worried about Jane Palmer.
Is she ill?
Well, her extravagance has finally
caught up with her. She's broke.
I'm afraid when she finds out about
it she may do something desperate.
What can we do to help you?
Well, old Muttonhead Palmer
was a good friend of mine.
He did plenty for this Foundation.
And I think it's up to The Foundation
to do something for his granddaughter.
Is she a mental case?
I think she's nuts.
Why don't you have her come
in here for a consultation?
It'd be simpler to send The Foundation
after her with a butterfly net.
Is she the hysterical type?
- She wrote the book.
Before you go any further, I think
we'd better have Dr Enright in here.
Have Dr Enright come in right away.
- Sorry. Dr Enright is in consultation.
You seem to be in a pretty
nervous state yourself.
Can I pour you a glass of water?
No, but I'll settle for
something stronger.
I think we may be able
to take care of that too.
So, occurrences of our subconscious have
to pass through the doors of our senses.
Now, take the famous
case of Robert Browning.
His outstanding sense
was that of 'touch'.
He used to fondle an apple before he
wrote the lines of his beautiful poetry.
I'm sure a subconscious reminiscence of
his early youth disengaged his genius.
The same with hearing, smell.
- That's true, Doctor Enright.
The smell of burning leaves
is like a narcotic to me.
I feel quite helpless and
strangely touched.
And I become irritable and moody.
I'm certain this has a
relation to your past.
Now, what's your earliest
recollection of this sensation?
When I was sixteen I was
on a mountain trip.
We camped overnight.
It was Fall... there was a boy.
Obviously, it is your
subconscious crying for release.
I realize it is a far cry from
burning leaves to a new hat.
But the next time it occurs, why
don't you go on a shopping spree?
The only one who can possibly have
an objection to that is the husband.
Yes, of course. Now, as I was saying...
Our libido is frequently
connected to our sense of taste.
And we often find...
Did that suggest something to you?
- Why, yes, I...
I found a strange lipstick
in my husband's car and...
I rubbed a little on his lips while he
was sleeping and... he began to talk.
And what happened then?
- We were divorced.
Does the smell of cigarette smoke
do anything to you, Dr Enright?
Not especially. I don't mind smoking.
Dr Enright, after your talk at the club,
so many wanted to ask questions.
But they didn't dare... that
is why we came to see you.
We're so interested in all
the things you know and say.
Psychiatry is an exact science, madam.
If we know the ingredients,
we can compute the results.
We have so many intimate questions
we would like to ask you, Dr Enright.
Dorothy, I know Dr Enright only answers
intimate questions by appointment.
Of course. Ladies, I'm available for
consultations. If you'll check with...
Secretary on the way out.
- Thank you, doctor.
Thank you.
- Good afternoon.
Goodbye, doctor.
- Good afternoon.
Are you looking for these, Miss Allan?
- Mrs Allan.
Oh no, you're not married.
- What makes you say that?
It's quite plain. Despite your air
of superiority and sophistication.
Why, you're almost rude.
I'm a doctor and my approach to
any problem is purely scientific.
Why not get rid of the obstacles between
your desires and their consequences?
I don't know what you mean.
Now, don't let one clumsy experience
disgust you with the whole world.
Hmm... jasmine. Where is your home?
- Atlanta.
I left there when I was 18 years old.
- I know it. Lovely southern nights.
A big golden moon.
The smell of jasmine in the air.
Don't torture yourself. Change your
perfume. Return to Atlanta. See the boy.
Come back and marry
the man who loves you.
But you're wrong, doctor. I promise...
- Try it.
And hang on to your gloves.
I beg your pardon.
Doctor Enright?
- Yes.
My name is Billingsley.
- Of course, Doctor Billingsley.
I'm not a doctor, I'm a businessman.
- Business office is on the next floor.
I'm fully aware of that fact.
Doctor Brewster thought you may be
of some assistance. I'm in trouble.
A woman?
- A young woman.
Of course, I would be very glad to
discuss your case with Dr Brewster.
Dr Brewster and I...
I'm a consultant psychiatrist, sir. Not
a practitioner, so if you'll excuse me.
You're a bit of a
stuffed-shirt too, aren't you.
Perhaps, but I really am busy.
Now, young man, just get
down off of your high horse.
I want to talk to you about Miss Palmer.
I'm sorry Mr Billingsley, but I'm in the
midst of a very important experiment.
And at 4:30 I have to address...
Did you say 'Palmer'?
- Yeah.
Jane Palmer. The young lady whose
money keeps this Foundation going.
And makes your important
experiments possible.
What's the matter with her?
Well, she's about to go broke.
And what do you want me to do?
Money doesn't mean anything to her.
She's no sense of responsibility.
I want you to see if you can snap
her out of it. You think you can?
Yes, of course. It's merely
a mental disturbance.
Which I'm sure can be explained
by her repressed wishes...
Emotional conflicts and the
interaction of complexes.
Oh... simple as that, huh?
The underlying cause is usually
found in the subconscious mind.
And must be brought into awareness.
Which of course, involves the
question of time. Where is she now?
Right here in New York.
- No. I mean at this moment.
Oh, at this moment she's at Carter's on
5th Avenue trying to waste more money.
Yes, I think I can make it.
Miss Martin, I'm leaving the building
and I'll be back at 4 o'clock.
Cancel all intervening appointments.
- Yes, doctor.
Excuse me.
Hey, just a minute.
You mean, you think you can straighten
her out between now and 4 o'clock?
Of course.
You got anything to drink around here?
- In the Thermos on the desk.
Got anything stronger than water?
Let me see. There is something
or other in the bottom drawer.
20-year-old Bourbon.
Has that been here since Christmas?
- Yes. Will it do?
It ought to help.
Will you have a little snort?
- No thanks. Never touch it.
Teetotaller, huh?
- No. Psychiatrist.
Oh. Well I don't know anything
about this psychiatrist business.
But if you talk to Jane Palmer
the way you talk to me...
She'll pick you like a low-hanging
apple. Without even a scratch.
It's very nice.
- It's a splendid piece.
This is nice, too.
Oh dear. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. I'm
like a little boy with a birthday cake.
My eyes are bigger than my appetite.
I never could make up my mind.
They're both very stunning on you.
Maybe I'll take them both.
I never thought of that.
My brain not functioning today.
If I took them both I wouldn't
have to decide, would I.
That makes sense, doesn't it?
- It certainly does.
As for these two? Alright, well
send those out, and this, and this.
And this. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Five is my lucky number.
I always bet on five
when I go to the races.
A lot of people don't believe in
numerology. I can't live without it.
Thanks so much.
Don't tell me how much they are.
I want it to come as a surprise.
Pardon me, Miss Palmer. Our Mr Carter
is very anxious to have a chat with you.
Oh, how intriguing.
Mr Carter is such a nice man.
His office is there?
- Yes.
Thank you.
- Hello, my dear Miss Palmer.
So charming of you to drop in.
- So charming of you to ask me.
As usual, you have an
answer for everything.
Well, remember the old adage:
'charming is, as charming does'.
How true. Won't you sit down?
- Thank you.
You're getting younger and
more beautiful every day.
I never let anything worry me.
- You are very fortunate.
Things you worry about
never really happen.
Well, I'm terribly worried right now.
Perhaps you can help me?
Why, I'd be glad to.
- I've a letter here from Billingsley.
He's your executor, isn't he.
Executive, Guardian, everything.
And he would be a really charming
man if he weren't so fussy.
This letter places me in
a very awkward position.
Something happened to Mr Billingsley?
- He...
I hate to say it, but...
He asks us to refrain from
granting you any further credit.
Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
Every time he sends me an unkind letter,
I just tear it up. Nothing ever happens.
Well, I want you to know how
embarrassing this is for me.
What is?
- This matter of credit.
Why, you're not going to pay
any attention to that letter?
I'm afraid I'm forced to.
- Well, Mr Carter.
If Mr Billingsley means more to you
than I do, I'm not coming here anymore.
I don't want you to feel that
we're unappreciative.
You're not the least bit appreciative.
And when I said you were 'charming',
I was just making conversation.
I'm sorry.
- Oh don't try to apologize.
Just tell your man not to bother sending
out those things I ordered today.
Because if you do send them,
I positively refuse to wear them.
Even if you come crawling to
me on your hands and knees.
- Yes, ma'am?
You should be standing at attention.
Sorry Miss. I'm having
a little ignition trouble.
I don't care about that. I must go away.
I wouldn't be found dead in this place.
If you want to have ignition trouble,
it's a very inopportune time to have it.
These things happen sometimes, Miss.
- You should anticipate it.
I pay you well.
You get Thursdays and Sundays off. There
is no excuse for ignition troubles.
Especially in front of a place where
I've just been grossly insulted.
Miss, I didn't break down on purpose.
- Are you being insolent?
I'm trying not to be.
Well, if you're not insolent by nature,
you don't have to try not to be.
Milton, are you paying attention?
Milton, are you paying attention?
- I'm trying not to.
I don't see why I should waste my breath
if you're not going to pay attention.
Look... this is a democracy.
I'm an American.
My ancestors fought and
died in the revolution.
So did mine.
- But yours killed the wrong ancestors.
Well, of all the...
- Let me tell you another thing.
You're just a butter-patty.
You had it soft for so long, you forget
there are other people in the world.
Besides, you owe me 2 months back pay.
- I don't handle paying the help.
I'm still 2 months behind.
I've heard enough Milton. Get in
and drive me home immediately.
When we get there,
look for another position.
How about driving yourself home?
And forget the backpay.
You're probably going to need it.
And in no circumstances will
I give you a recommendation.
May I help you?
I'm not in the mood for
any more impertinence.
I'm not trying to be impertinent.
Merely, helpful.
If I need some help, I'll ask for it.
If you're looking for the
starter button, it's there.
Yes, yes. I know.
I'm a little new at this.
I'll be glad to drive you
where you're going.
I know. I'll manage.
If you just get out of my way please.
Hey, what's going on here?
Did I bump into something?
- I'm afraid so.
It's your fault. You
got me all flustered.
Listen lady, who do you think you are?
- I know very well who I am.
I'm sorry Mister. I'm
afraid it was my fault.
She's driving, ain't she?
- Sorry if I gave you a little bump.
A little bump, eh?
Just take a look at that mess.
I said I was sorry.
If you were a gentleman you'd
give a lady more room.
Show me your driver's license.
- Don't raise your voice.
I stand on my rights as an American.
I demand to see your license.
Even if I had whatever it is you're
talking of, I wouldn't show it to you.
Maybe you'd show it to a cop though?
I don't see why people
are so unreasonable.
Look. If you help me get this
thing started I'll be on my way.
Push the little button again.
- This one?
Now put your foot on this pedal.
Pull that lever down towards you.
That's where I was wrong before.
I had it up. I'm fine now.
Hey... take it easy.
Better get out from behind the wheel.
- Why should I? That cab was...
Do as I say.
I'm not taking orders from strangers.
- Yes you are. You had better hurry.
Here comes a cop.
You don't want a jail sentence, do you?
Someday they'll make a
law about women drivers.
And about taxi drivers.
It's all my fault. I knocked the wheel.
- I don't care. Let me see your license.
License? What's all the
talk about a license?
Can't we sort this out without fuss?
- But who straightens out my fender?
Send him away. Send him away.
- Don't push me about. I know my rights.
Rights? Why can't everybody else
have rights? I don't have rights.
Here she is. I was parked at the kerb,
where I've a perfect right to be.
You're a very insulting man.
I'm insulting? Insulting?
Take a look at my car.
Who's going to look...
- Just a minute buddy. One at a time.
Officer, look at that car. I've only
had it two months and look at it.
Don't get excited. I'm looking.
- The damage seems to be very slight.
Slight? What's your idea
of a serious accident?
Did you drive that car?
- In a way, yes.
You weren't.
- Pipe down.
I know my rights. She should be in jail.
- Officer, may I ask a question?
Sure, shoot.
- Is there a penalty for drunk driving?
Are you implying I'm drunk?
- I am not implying it.
Well, you'd better not.
What you doing?
- I'm driving this lady home.
You won't push me around.
- Nobody's pushing you.
I want to know who'll
take care of my fender.
Serves you right. Too many
cabs on the street anyway.
Hey, they're trying to make a getaway.
- Let's see your license.
I want to know who's going to
take care of my bent fender.
Is this car insured?
- I'm quite sure it is. Isn't it dear?
Are you talking to me?
- Yes, dear.
Well, of all things.
Get going. You're blocking traffic.
- What about my car?
What do you want to do, get run over?
- I demand justice.
You'll get justice.
- I have rights as a citizen.
What about me?
- She hit me first.
Well what do you call that? A love-pat?
It's nice of you to do this but I ask
you not make more fresh remarks.
I've been fresh?
You recall what you said back there?
- I did that to keep you out of trouble.
Then you didn't mean it?
- No.
Oh, that's alright. I never allow
anyone to take liberties with me.
Positively no-one.
- You may have gone to jail.
Oh, I'd have torn myself
out of that somehow.
Do you always talk your
way out of bad situations?
When I am in the right.
Do you think you were right
bumping cars all over the street?
Well, don't you?
- Do you think of the rights of others?
Not when they're in the wrong.
Turn here at the corner. You should have
turned back there. I forgot to tell you.
Is this the main entrance?
- Yes, this is it. So, thanks very much.
Stay right where you are
and I'll hold the door for you.
No, you don't need to bother.
- I believe in doing things properly.
You are used to service
and I'll see you get it.
Well after all, I suppose I can get
out by myself in an emergency.
Thanks again. You've been very charming.
I don't want to be bold, but as Milton's
gone, I wish to apply for the position.
What position?
- As a chauffeur.
Oh, I forgot about that.
But you don't look like a chauffeur.
- I think I drive very well.
But you don't talk like a chauffeur.
- I have references. And I need the job.
If I'm not stepping out of my place too
much, you need a chauffeur pretty bad.
Well, if you're not joking I'd be happy
to grant you an interview sometime.
Could you do it now?
I might as well get it over
with. Come in, come in.
Any calls, Stevens?
- No, Miss.
But Mr Billingsley is waiting
to see you in the study.
Oh, is he? Well, I want
to see Mr Billingsley.
Just make yourself comfortable.
Ah, there you are, Mr Billingsley. Am I
going to give you a piece of my mind.
That won't be any novelty.
- This is no time for joking.
Your secretary and I have been going
over some of your recent checks.
And I can't find anything to joke about.
Why did you send that
horrible letter to Mr Carter?
I'm only trying to keep you out of jail.
There may be somebody going
to jail, but I won't be the one.
Will you leave us alone
for a few minutes?
I'll call you if I want you, Josephine.
Here's a check made out for
$10,000 to a 'Dog & Cat' hospital.
Well somebody has to take
care of the poor things.
Here's one for $7,500.
Are you waiting for someone?
- I'm waiting to be interviewed.
For what?
- I hope to be the new chauffeur.
You're a nice-looking young man.
And If I were you I'd sneak quietly
out of that door and run for my life.
Why did you have to get into this mess?
What do you think money is... confetti?
Is it alright to take this room now?
- Who are these men?
From the Sheriff's office.
- What're they doing?
Taking an inventory.
I don't need an inventory. I know
everything in this house backwards.
They always take an
inventory before an auction.
Who is having an auction?
- Your creditors.
You are being ridiculous and paternal.
Pardon me gentlemen, but you don't need
to bother with whatever you're doing.
We've got two more rooms to inventory.
Mr Billingsley had his little joke.
You may go now.
We can't until we're done.
If you don't leave at once,
I'll call the Police.
If you do, we'll have to pinch
them for interfering with the law.
Then you're not joking?
I've been trying to warn you
about this for the past five years.
Warn me about what?
Bankruptcy... and it
looks like she's here.
You mean to say there is
nothing left in my estate?
If there is, I can't find it.
You can't pull the wool over my eyes.
I know something about business.
If you can't say where my
money's gone and get it back...
You're going to find yourself
in a very serious predicament.
I'm only trying to help you.
- Help me?
If you were trying to help me, you would
not bring these men to humiliate me.
And I know something about law too,
and swindling and things like that.
And what?
I'm not saying you did anything, but
if you have, I'll see you're punished.
If I hadn't been so fond of your
grandfather, I may lose my temper.
You don't need to threaten me.
In spite of the things you're saying...
I'll try and salvage what
I can from the wreck.
I'll see you at the auction, Friday.
- Friday?
You intend to have an auction, Friday?
- The Sheriff does.
You'll have to make another day.
I'm having a Kitty-party Friday.
I heard about that, and I told
your secretary to cancel it.
What? You are trying to ruin me
socially as well as financially.
If I were a man, I'd throw
you out of this house.
Would you be kind enough to
throw Mr Billingsley out?
Mr Billingsley, you're being very
naughty and I must ask you to leave.
That was very nice of you.
- I'm happy to be of service.
What's your name?
- Enright.
Oh. Well... I'm so upset I've forgot
what we were going to talk about.
You were to give me an
interview for a chauffeur.
Oh. Stupid of me.
Better get your dough
in advance, Enright.
Would you ask those two men to leave?
That would be interfering with the law.
Come on Enright. Ask us to leave.
You might at least take off your
hats in the presence of a lady.
We're just old routines.
I don't know why I bother
with a pair of hoodlums.
Won't you sit down?
- Isn't it usual to stand at attention?
Well, you don't have on a uniform, and I
can be very democratic in an emergency.
You do have a uniform?
- Not with me.
You haven't always been
a chauffeur, have you?
How did you know?
- I can tell.
Well, that's amazing.
- What were you before?
A doctor, but I've been detoured.
- By a woman?
How do you know all these things?
- I can tell.
I leave everything to numerology
and astrology and things like that.
It's much more reliable than thinking
for myself. Do you have any references?
I can get some.
- Fine.
Now let's see. What else must I ask you?
- About habits?
Do you drink?
- No.
- Not on duty.
Why do you wear those glasses?
- Habit.
I think you make a better
appearance without them.
Thank you.
- As a chauffeur, I mean.
I'd like to feel I can be
more than a chauffeur.
Oh no, no. That will never do.
I... never allow any familiarity.
I didn't mean it that way. As a doctor,
maybe I can help with other problems.
As long as you didn't
mean it the other way.
Women don't interest me.
Ah, I forgot about that other woman.
- I can't, unfortunately.
Did she leave... scars?
- No scars?
That's odd. They usually do.
You understand why I ask
you these questions?
Oh yes. It's very clear.
Lots of women say things they
don't mean but I'm not like that.
Most chauffeurs say it is their duty
to fall in love with their mistresses.
It happens to my friends all the time.
- It can never happen in our case.
Why you say that?
- What month were you born?
- That's what I thought.
You are Pisces. Practical,
intellectual. High strung.
Oh, how interesting... do you
know about those things, too?
What are you?
- Capricorn.
The goat?
Always. You see Capricorn and Pisces
cannot meet in favorable circumstances.
Especially during the autumnal equinox.
- How interesting.
Do you know anything about palms?
- Only when I have to.
Enright. I spy...
Go on about your business.
Is this an urn or a vase?
If you break it, you'll find out.
Thanks a lot.
What do you see?
- Hmm. Very unusual.
That's what I've been told.
I see Arizona, and a man.
Have you ever been in love?
When I was a little girl.
I was eight and he was ten.
But that's all over now.
- And you never married?
Women with money don't have to marry.
Has it ever occurred to you to marry for
another reason? A home or a family?
Heavens, no. My father used to say...
Poor people are the only ones
who could afford to have families.
He was married at the time,
so he might have been joking.
I'm talking too much.
I want you to talk. So I can find more
about you and be more helpful to you.
Most people won't listen to me.
Most people have little sense
of intellectual companionship.
Isn't it true.
This has been so interesting that I've
forgot to ask you what salary you want.
Don't you think we ought to
leave it until after the auction?
There won't be an auction.
Don't worry about that.
That's just Mr Billingsley's
way of being funny.
Attention ladies and gentlemen.
It's my pleasure this morning,
to call to your attention.
This particularly handsome figure is
offered for sale to the highest bidder.
It's a bronze statuary.
An imported piece that...
I've been looking all over.
Have you seen her?
She's upstairs having
one of her 'spells'.
How is Miss Palmer?
- I'm going after some smelling salts.
Come on boys, take it right on through.
What will people think of this?
This is very humiliating.
This is my favorite lounger.
You aren't going to take it.
Sit me down. Stop, stop.
You want the old thing as much
as that, take it... get out... you too.
Well Mr Billingsley, I hope
you're enjoying my humiliation.
This is no fun for me.
- You will be punished in due time.
Enright, can't you do
something about this?
Afraid not.
At least you're loyal, and there's
nothing I admire more than loyalty.
There's nothing you can do about it now.
Why not get into the spirit of things?
Well, it is kind of exciting, isn't it.
There is Martha. Yoo-hoo, Martha!
Martha, how nice of you to come.
- Auctions bring out the vulture in me.
Hello, Mrs Howell.
- Hello.
If I knew all my friends were coming...
I could have had the auction and
the Kitty-party at the same time.
Jane, you don't seem very worried.
- Why worry with so much excitement?
Do you realize you're being
sold out of house and home?
That's part of the fun.
Mr Billingsley will be furious when I
make him buy these things back again.
I can't tell you about it now,
as he's right behind you.
But my dears, he's an absolute #@&%.
Know what I mean?
- Hmm.
Oh, there's Mabel French.
I haven't seen her in a long time.
Mabel, no-one told me you were here.
I'm making a getaway with some loot.
- Don't go. The party just started.
Pardon me, Miss. There's rather an
odd-looking couple at the front door.
Well, of all things...
You look so funny. I didn't
know who you were.
Are we the only ones in costume?
Don't bother about that.
A party is a party. Come on.
Mabel, you remember Coleman, don't you?
- Which branch of the family are you?
I was going to have a Kitty-party, but
we decided to have an auction instead.
But it's all the same thing. Just make
yourself comfortable. I'll be back.
Don't stand still, you
might be auctioned off.
Stevens... have cook fix up oodles
of caviar and some sandwiches.
And lots of drinks and things. You know.
There's very little in the icebox, Miss.
- Don't be ridiculous. Send cook in.
Who are those two freaks?
I'm not speaking to you, Mr Billingsley.
Martha, have you seen the Coleman's?
They are too funny for words.
What are you going to say to the cook?
- That's my business.
You can't blame her for anything.
You haven't any credit with the grocers.
So, you have corrupted the grocer?
Alright Mr Billingsley, you have your
innings now. Mine will come later.
I know how to deal with an absolute...
- Uhuh.
And you can't really do anything legally
because I haven't actually said it.
Yes, Miss?
Oh. Never mind, Betty.
Go back to the kitchen.
Oh, may I speak to you privately, Miss?
- Is it an emergency?
Kind of.
- Alright Betty. Over here.
Yes, what is it, Betty?
- It's about last month's check, Miss.
The bank sent it back.
Don't worry about it, Betty.
When this is over, I'll pay you a bonus.
One thing you may as well get straight.
There won't be anything left over.
Oh, well I'm a very poor
woman. And I have a family.
Don't cry Betty.
I'll sell something and pay you.
You can't sell anything.
- There must be something I can sell.
Only your personal belongings.
Alright, I'll sell one of my
mink coats. How's that?
Here are smelling salts.
- I feel alright now.
Don't throw them away. I may need them.
- You buy your own smelling salts.
Oh Miss Palmer, if it's just the
same to you, I'll take a mink coat.
Alright. Which one do you want?
The dark one. After all,
you know I've been loyal.
What about me? I've been loyal, too.
So you think I wouldn't
look good in a mink coat?
Please. You can have the
silver fox, Josephine.
After all, I've been here
longer than she has.
You think you'd look better in a coat
than me? No you don't. Just a minute.
Don't push me!
- You'll have that coat.
We'll see about that.
I don't care what you do or not.
I'm going to have that coat.
See, I'm right what I mean by 'loyalty'.
- Generally.
By the way, where's your uniform?
I didn't think I needed it today.
You see, they've auctioned off the cars.
Have they gone too?
Naturally, you wouldn't need a uniform
if you haven't got a car to drive.
Here today and gone tomorrow.
Excuse me, I've got to whoop things up.
Any time you think you can
get the best of me. Ha.
Not while I've got my strength.
I can handle a whole flock like you and
a few extras thrown in for good measure.
Sorry to disturb you buddy. Hey buddy.
What is it?
Sorry to wake you up but
we've got to load this thing.
That's alright. Glad you did.
I was having a horrible dream.
Are you from the Sheriff's?
- No. I'm just custodian to a nitwit.
Well anyway, I'm sorry
we had to disturb you.
I couldn't be any more
disturbed than I have been.
Well, so long.
- So long.
Did you sleep well, Enright?
I'll tell you when I've got
this crick out of my neck.
I tried to sleep on the floor,
but it was too uncomfortable.
How did you like roughing it?
- I enjoyed it.
My, doesn't the place
look empty and funny?
It's empty, but I don't see
anything funny about it.
Oh, you should get
fun out of everything.
Why don't you come to your senses?
Please remember, you're a chauffeur.
- I'm not a chauffeur.
You attitude seems to have changed
since I lost all my furniture.
I'm not here because I want to be.
I expect disloyalty from my friends,
but not from my chauffeur.
Stop calling me that.
- If you're not one, what are you?
I'm a psychoanalyst.
That is, I thought I was.
Then you were detoured
by that other woman?
Yes. And as soon as I get rid of that
woman, I will be an analyst again.
I think maybe I can help
you in this emergency.
I'm here to help you.
Yes, I think maybe I can help you get
that other woman out of your mind.
Because, as a woman myself, I would know
more about those things than you would.
See if we can find a couple of eggs.
Talk about women on an empty stomach...
I'd like to hear a bit more about it.
Was there another man?
- Did she drink?
No. But she drives me to it.
It wasn't bridge or gin rummy?
- No. She was just a nitwit.
Those women can be very dangerous.
You're telling me.
I'm sure we can do something about it.
Let's get at the eggs first. After all,
your problem is greater than mine.
I haven't a problem.
- Where are you going to live?
What are you going to live on? What will
you eat? Where are you going to sleep?
Have you ever done any
work in your life before?
After all, I'm the granddaughter
of Stephen J. Palmer.
You've heard of the Palmer Foundation?
- Vaguely. Have you any relatives?
What about 'Cactus Kate'
Palmer out in Arizona?
She's your grandmother, isn't she?
- How do you know about her?
She's the one who's meant to have gold
buried up there in the hills, isn't she?
Do you know if people knew she was my
grandmother it would ruin me socially.
You got a pretty good
start now, haven't you?
Aren't you having any eggs?
- Yes, these are mine.
That's my icebox.
- It was your icebox.
Those are my eggs.
You owe me a week's salary and
these eggs are pretty expensive.
I didn't think you were mercenary.
- If you want eggs, you cook them.
Of course, I could starve.
You've got to start to
do things for yourself.
I thought you'd help
me in this emergency.
You're just being mean
like everyone else.
I thought you were helping me.
- I'm the one who has the problem.
Do you know about psychoanalysis?
- Is it like numerology?
It was originally called
the 'talking cure'.
People talked and the doctor could find
what they were afraid of, and help them.
Sounds silly.
Just what is it in Arizona
that you're afraid of?
I'm not afraid of anything.
- Tell me about it. Talk it out.
I don't remember much about it.
I remember Stanley and the
way he used to pull my pigtails.
And then I'd cry and throw rocks at him.
Who is Stanley?
Don't you remember?
When I was eight and he was ten?
Oh yes. The big romance.
Tell me about it.
I remember one time I hit him
on the head with a big rock.
Kicked him in the shin, knocked him
down, took a bite out of his forehead.
Oh, that was fun.
Then my grandma spanked me.
That was very humiliating.
You know, I don't think my
grandmother ever liked me.
If there's anything in the world
I hate, it's being spanked.
Keep talking.
That's why I can never go back there.
Stanley was alright.
He was very forgiving.
After all, what are a few bumps
when you're ten years old?
Besides, she lives in a hut by herself.
She never has any parties or anything.
See, this talking business is
wonderful. I feel better already.
Where do you learn about
these things? It's like a game.
Speaking of parties.
I never had a party in my life until I
got all this money from my grandfather.
What money?
- The money Mr Billingsley had...
You know what I mean.
- I've the solution to your problem.
You have?
You go back to Arizona where
you can face this thing you fear.
I thought you'd help me.
- I'm helping you.
Mr Billingsley was helping me too. Look.
I'm not Mr Billingsley.
- And I'm not going to Arizona.
Alright then. I'm leaving.
Alright, you can leave me here
all alone. I'll know what to do.
That's better. That's what I wanted.
- What?
I want you to do something for yourself.
I don't think you'll like
what I'm going to do.
What are you going to do?
- Oh, never mind.
You're talking like a child.
You are a doctor. You should know.
Is drowning easier than gas?
You spoiled brat. You had your way
so long you never think of others.
That's what Milton said.
- Who's Milton?
My other chauffeur.
- I don't care what he said.
I'll make you get your feet
on the ground and like it.
You return to Arizona. You shouldn't
have left there in the first place.
And if you want any further help
from me, you've got to take orders.
Do... you... understand?
Yes, Enright.
Well, go and get packed.
Alright, I'll go to that horrible place
and get bitten by something and die.
I'm not afraid. I'll show you...
- Go and get packed.
I'm unafraid of things on 4 legs or 2.
- Go and get packed.
Yes, sir.
A few domestic troubles?
- A little.
Don't take them serious.
All women are a little touched.
Good evening.
- We'd like accommodation for the night.
Oh, right down here.
Who do you think you
are treating me like this?
You was living in a worse dump
than this when I found you.
Yeah? When I married you,
you were walking on four legs.
Go on, slam the door. That's the
way you always end an argument.
I'll just strike you.
- We want two cottages.
You expecting another party?
- No.
Why, there's two beds in every cottage.
- We still want two cottages.
Oh, well we don't often
get a request like that.
Don't talk so much.
Everybody seems to be
quarrelling these days.
It must be in the air.
Now this one is nice and quiet.
I guess you can use
a good night's sleep.
[ Dogs barking. Baby crying. ]
This is the quiet one?
- Never mind.
Where's the tub?
- What tub?
The bathtub.
- Oh.
We only got showers here.
But they ain't working.
What have you got me into?
There isn't even a place here to bathe.
What's the matter with the shower?
- It isn't working.
Well, we have emergency
buckets in every cottage.
What do I do with this?
Take it right out here, and
fill it up at this here faucet.
Over there.
The new reservoir will be in by spring.
- I'm afraid I won't return to enjoy it.
The missus ain't in very good humour.
- She's learning.
Listen, slow-wit. How long does it
take you to get a pail of water?
I can't make it run any
faster than it is running.
You'll never get me in
a dump like this again.
Alright, but quit picking on me.
Wait a minute... what's the idea?
- This is an emergency.
Give me that bucket.
- Can't you ask like a gentleman?
I know my rights.
- Don't talk to me about rights.
What's the trouble?
- Would you please knock him down?
Him and who else?
- He's definitely in the right.
If you were a man,
you'd lose your temper.
If you weren't a spoiled
brat, you'd hold yours.
Well, of all things.
So, I ain't a gentleman?
- I didn't say you weren't.
Well, she did.
- I didn't.
She ain't going to get away with it.
- Well, tell her that.
I'm in a mood to fight.
- Well, don't fight me.
You're her husband, ain't you?
- No. Thank heavens.
Oh a Cad, huh?
- Don't do that.
Put up your dukes.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's alright.
I just lost my temper.
Listen, raghead, are you
going to bring me that water?
Yes, dear.
If there was no women in the
world, there would be no trouble.
I'm inclined to agree with you.
- Yes, dear?
What you doing?
- Practising my roping.
Well, quit and come running.
What's the matter?
- You'll never be a roper.
Just listen to this telegram from Jane:
'Dear Grandma'.
'Sound the cymbals, beat the drums, roll
the red plush and polish the pewter'.
'Headed your way on the horns of a...'
- What's a "dilemma"?
Search me.
Well, it ain't no brand of bull.
- Where's she coming from?
New York.
- That's a long ride on a pair of horns.
Little old Janey.
She was quite a character.
Little old Janey, my eye.
She's a grown woman.
Gosh, that's right. Ain't
seen her in fifteen years.
I bet she's pretty, too.
Yeah. She takes that from
our side of the family.
"Stanley's girl is coming to town.
Stanley's girl is coming to town."
Ah, Strawberry. Quit your carrying-on.
You quit, Stanley.
You're as pleased as
a sheep-killing dog.
I wonder if she'll remember me.
- Why not? You remember her, don't you?
I still have the bump on my head
where she hit me with a two-by-four.
That's love. You should have
seen me and old Muttonhead.
Who was he?
- The biggest lush in Arizona.
That reminds me. I've got to be getting
over to my place and getting dressed.
What's your hurry?
- Jane will be arriving any minute.
And I figure on doing a little courting.
I know she's expecting to see a man's
man. I don't want to disappoint her.
Bye, ma'am. Bye, Strawberry.
- Bye, Stanley.
Mighty pleased with himself, ain't he.
- Yeah.
And ready to break
right out in a heat-rash.
Miss Kate?
- Yeah?
Is she really coming to see him?
Hard to tell, Strawberry.
All the farmers are
just a little bit crazy.
So here we are. Ten miles off the main
road and I don't see any signs of life.
That looks like grandma's house over
there. It seems to have shrunk.
There is somebody now.
It's grandma. Grandma, hello.
Grandma seems to have shrunk, too.
We really had a time finding this place.
What are you doing here?
You wouldn't pay me a visit, so I
had to come out here and see you.
It took you long enough
to make up your mind.
I don't like that soft stuff.
Who is the big galoot?
- That's Enright.
What's he want here?
- He's helping me with a problem.
What kind of a problem have you got?
- I'll tell you all about it later.
Bring the things right on in, Enright.
Put the bags in there.
If you came here after money,
you ain't going to get it.
Who said I came after money?
When a Palmer drops in from nowhere, you
can bet your life they want something.
I don't want anything.
But everybody knows you have
gold buried here somewhere.
The newspapers are full of it.
If you want any, you must
get it out of the newspapers.
Don't talk of it in front of Enright.
This is a charming place.
Is that portrait of your husband?
Yep... that's old Muttonhead.
Why was he known by
such a horrible name?
People knew what they were
talking about in them days.
He made a great contribution
to medical science.
He must have been a man of high purpose.
He got cured of corns once. So they
talked him into putting up a monument.
You can talk the Palmers into anything.
Don't pay too much attention to grandma.
She doesn't mean half she says.
I see her bark is worse than her bite.
- Don't be too sure.
He ain't your husband, is he?
- Heavens, no.
He doesn't like women.
At least not at the moment.
What about that 'problem' business?
Well... you remember Mr Billingsley?
What about him?
- He's turned out to be an...
An 'absconder'.
- A what?
He absconded with all the
money Grandpa left me.
I don't suppose you helped
him none, did you?
So I was thinking if you
can lend me a little gold...
I could hire some lawyers and
have Mr Billingsley put in jail.
Where he belongs.
We'll talk about it later.
Where you going to put Enright?
I ain't going to put him in any place.
If he's going to hang around here, he'll
take one of them shacks down there.
He ain't going to help you with
no problems in this house.
Aren't any of those shacks occupied?
Oh, you may find a few
scorpions floating about.
Maybe you can help them
with their problems?
Enright won't mind that.
He just loves Arizona.
I'll tell you something else.
I can shoot a rattlesnake
in the eye at fifty paces.
Why should you want to do that?
- I could if I had to.
I'm sure of it... can I have one
of those shacks over there?
Not so fast... I want to know
something about you.
I know I can confide in you.
I have your granddaughter
under observation.
Are you a detective?
- No. I'm a doctor.
What's the matter with her?
- Well... it's here.
You scared me to death.
I thought it was something serious.
Don't lose your temper, Enright.
What's she talking about?
- I very seldom know.
Let me give you a bit
of advice, young man.
There ain't no cure for what she's got.
- I doubt it's as bad as that.
I lived with her grandfather
for forty years and look at me.
I don't see anything wrong with you.
- There's things that don't show.
I'm only trying to tell you that
you'll end up daffier than she is.
Well, I'll take a chance.
- Remember, I warned you.
Thanks. Why do they call
that the 'Lost Hope Saloon'?
Oh, that's another monument
to old Muttonhead.
You see, he gave up hope of
finding gold in these parts.
And then, bang!
He hit the mother-lode.
Did he build the saloon?
- Yes, he was one of its best customers.
And he carried many a load after that.
But it wasn't the motherlode.
- I see.
Is it alright if I move in there?
- Help yourself. I ain't stopping you.
How do you like him?
- I ain't made up my mind.
That's his trouble. He's not in
harmony with his vibrations.
What are you talking about?
He has lost faith in women and
I feel it my duty to restore it.
Did you scare it out of him?
- That was another woman.
Why don't you let her
do her own restoring?
Because you must do things for others.
You'd help me if you weren't stingy.
If you'd been more stingy you
wouldn't be in trouble now.
Is this where you hide it?
- Hide what?
Alright, don't tell me. It will
be like looking for Easter eggs.
What are you talking about?
- Your gold.
I ain't got no gold, but if I did
I wouldn't hide it down there.
But it's a wonderful hiding place.
It's where it was hiding when
your Grandpa found it.
If there was gold down there then,
there must be gold down there now.
If you can find any, it's all yours.
Hello Kate.
- Hello, Groundhog.
My granddaughter wants some gold.
Show her where to find it.
There ain't enough gold in this part
of the country to fill a hound's tooth.
So why are you looking for it?
We old desert rats just dig and hope.
Oh 'hope'. That's the trouble.
You have to have faith too.
If your vibrations are right,
you don't need hope.
Now excuse me.
I'm going to take a bath.
She's more like Muttonhead
than Muttonhead himself.
If she had a walrus mustache,
and a hangover...
I'd think I was seeing things.
Good morning.
- Well, you're up bright and early.
I brought you some ham and eggs.
- Thanks a lot.
Cooked them myself.
- That'll make 'em taste all the better.
They fell apart a little,
but they're still eggs.
It's the thought behind
an egg that counts.
If I'm going to learn to do things for
others, I may as well start right in.
Don't forget, when you do things for
others you do a great deal for yourself.
It's a little confusing sometimes.
Less and less confusing as time goes on.
You'll get your feet on the
ground and you'll be calm.
I don't want to be too calm.
- Just calm enough.
I like people to show some fire.
- Yes, but on the useful side of life.
You mean, doing things
for others and yourself.
That's it.
Well... I've got to get down
that mine and start digging.
That's the spirit.
I hope Mr Billingsley's ears are burning
and some of my false friends, too.
Good luck. Hope you find oodles of gold.
- I only need a few buckets full.
I'm already to start now, if you'll
just explain everything to me.
It don't amount to much.
You just lower a bucket on this
hand-winch and get down there and dig.
Pour your ore in the
stamp... and pan it.
It sounds simple enough.
What are those holes going that way?
They're crosscuts to keep the stope.
What's a 'stope'?
- Where Muttonhead hit the bonanza.
Oh my...
It's quite a way down there, isn't it.
- Yeah.
Well, I think I'll go down
and have a look around.
Wait a minute.
You got to have a pick.
- Want me to go along?
No. I've got to learn to
do things for myself.
Well, you won't find nothing. But if
you like to dig in the mud, go ahead.
It's in the blood.
Thank heavens I'm only
a Palmer by marriage.
She's got spunk.
That big galoot must
have hypnotized her.
That's the first time she ever
did a bit of work in her life.
Look out for that second ladder.
Them rungs are slippery.
I'm being careful.
Did you hurt yourself?
No, but I'm in mud from head to foot.
- Are you alright?
I guess so, if you want to call it that.
Take it easy. Take it easy.
Here. Give me your hand.
- Thanks.
Well, you certainly gave yourself
a walk around, didn't you.
I never knew goldmining
was such a messy business.
That pit ain't deep.
Well, let's haul her up
and see what we've got.
If I haven't got a bucketful of gold,
I'm going to be very disappointed.
Well, that's part of the excitement.
Wondering what you got.
Like fishing.
I'm wondering whether
Mr Billingsley is worth all this.
Who's he?
- A very unpleasant man.
It takes all kinds of
people to make a world.
Here we are. Now, you hold this.
I'll get round here and...
Drop this ore in the bull cart.
- And haul it over to... the stamp.
It all seems so complicated.
It wouldn't be any fun if
it wasn't complicated.
Too bad gold doesn't grow
near the surface like cabbage.
If it did, it'd be as cheap as cabbage.
- I don't mind work, if I get results.
Don't expect to get results too quick.
- I believe in numerology.
'Five' is the number I vibrate to.
- I don't get you.
Don't you see? It's the
fifth day of the month.
I see what you mean.
- What do we do now?
Well, we run some ore
through this hand-stander.
Then we'll crush the ore.
- Let me do it. Let me do it.
Come on.
- What do you think you're doing?
Stomping gold.
- You look like you been diving for it.
I fell in the Stoop.
- Stope.
I mean 'Stope'.
What do we do next?
- Well, we take this...
Put that.
Swirl it around like that.
And, if there's any gold in it,
it goes to the bottom.
I don't see any.
- Ain't any to see.
How discouraging.
Wait until you're my age before
you talk about being discouraged.
When she was a baby,
she fell on her head.
But I didn't think she hit that hard.
Have you hit the bonanza yet?
No, but if I do, I'll make better
use of it than you would.
You don't make sense. But you're
certainly drawing a crowd.
Hi, Slim!
Ain't seen you in years, you old galoot.
What you been doing with yourself?
How are you, Kate?
I knew you old coots would show up as
soon as you saw somebody digging.
We got word that Lost Hope
was coming to life.
Don't pay no attention to her.
She's just amusing herself.
It's cheaper than putting
her in an institution.
- Hello.
Are you the girl who's meant to be loco?
- Loco?
Sometimes people who
are meant to be loco...
Aren't as loco as people who
are meant to be alright.
Why you been digging that
old worn-out mine for?
Sometimes, you must do things you don't
want to do as folk want you to do them.
I know it. I'm always doing that.
What's your name?
- Strawberry.
Do you live around here?
I live over the hill with
my uncle Fletcher.
You like Arizona?
You got to like a place if you
ain't got no other place to like.
You think I'll ever learn to like it?
You'll like things you learn to like.
What about scorpions and
snakes and things like that?
Uncle Fletcher says scorpions
don't mind living with people.
As long as people behave themselves.
No, I don't suppose it makes
much difference where you are.
As long as there's somebody
to do something for.
I wouldn't know about that.
- Ain't you got a boyfriend?
Can't give them no room.
- Why?
Oh, they can't ride
or shoot or do nothing.
When I was your age I
used to have a boyfriend.
Not me. I'd rather shoot sidewinders.
- Sidewinders?
Couldn't help but overhear.
- I beg your pardon?.
Run along little girl.
Here's five cents.
What kind of cows do you ride herd on?
Run along. Run along.
They must be awfully sweet and pretty.
- You don't have to go.
I'll come around again when you ain't
bogged down with old Fancy-pants.
She's what we call a desert mouse.
She ain't big enough to be a rat.
I think she's sweet.
I knew a girl her age once,
who was a lot sweeter.
I hope you're not trying to be familiar.
- You don't remember me?
You're not...?
- I'm Stanley.
My, how you've changed.
I'd know you anywheres.
It was a long time ago.
You ain't been out of my mind since
you was knee-high to a new-born calf.
Well, I'm glad I've been
in somebody's mind.
When I heard you'd come back home,
I sat right down and wrote a lament.
A lament?
- Would you like to hear it?
I'm not quite sure I know what it is.
I can play it for you
better than I can talk it.
You don't mind if I go on
with my work, do you?
No. Go right along.
Don't make no difference.
"When the moon shines down
on my darling Nellie's grave."
"I'm as lonesome as I can be."
"I remember the days when
I held her in my arms."
"Before they took her far away from me."
"Oh, so wide and full is my
darling Nellie's grave."
"Sitting down by the moonlit trail."
Everything is turning out
just like you said it would.
What do you mean?
- That's Stanley.
- Howdy.
"And from the hills you'll
hear a coyote wail."
"Woooo-hooo. "
He's written a lament for me.
Isn't that romantic?
Very. Yes, yes it is.
Would your grandmother mind
if I borrowed some hot water?
I'm sure she wouldn't.
You can draw more rats
than a jack-sheep.
Aren't you having fun?
- I got to cook supper for them.
Have you ever seen them groundhogs eat?
- Oh, you're enjoying it.
Maybe so... what's the matter with him?
That is Stanley.
I know, but what's the matter with him?
Was it pleasing to you?
- Why, I never heard anything like it.
It was something that was in my
heart and I just had to get rid of it.
You'd better get somebody to
look at your bronchial tubes.
Great character, old Kate.
- Yes.
The country is full of them.
You don't find them no
place except Arizona.
[ Singing: ]
"Oh my darling, oh my darling.
Oh my darling Clementine."
Them groundhogs nearly ate
me out of house and home.
It was a nice party.
What are you doing in that get-up?
Did you see the way
Enright looked at me?
I saw how he looked at the steak.
- I think he's getting ready to vibrate.
If he'd have been around here forty
years ago, I'd have made him vibrate.
When a man has been hurt by a
woman you have to be very careful.
Oh, we weren't so careful
about them back in the 90's.
Times have changed.
The men knew how to love in them days.
Is this Thursday?
- Why?
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday... fifth day... don't you see?
Five... and there's the moon.
You know, I'm getting a little scared
being in the same house with you.
[ Singing: ]
"Oh my darling, oh my darling."
"Oh my darling Clementine."
I hope I didn't disturb you.
It's alright. I was just prying into
the private lives of a microbe family.
I'm sorry I interrupted.
- Alright. Where did you get that?
It's just an old rag left
over from my other life.
It is very becoming.
- It's nothing. Just an old rag.
There was such a wonderful moon tonight,
I just couldn't think of sleeping.
I hadn't noticed it.
There's something about a full moon
that makes me want to do mad things.
Does the moon do funny things to you?
- Not that I've noticed.
Won't you sit down?
I wonder if there's people
up there looking down at us.
As we know, the moon is uninhabited.
- It seems a shame, doesn't it.
I never thought very much about
those things until I met you.
You've made me see
things in a different light.
You feel I have helped you?
You're just... everything to me.
I didn't mean it that way.
- I wish you had.
I meant another way.
Are you still feeling bitter
about that other woman?
Which woman?
- Well, was there more than one?
Oh, you mean the woman who
detoured me from my work?
That one.
No... I don't feel any
bitterness towards her.
Sorry, I'm being very unethical.
- You mustn't be sorry.
[ Bang! ]
What's that noise?
- I didn't hear anything.
[ Bang! ]
I am frightened.
- It sounded like a gunshot.
I'm not frightened now though.
Sorry for what I did just now.
- Didn't you mean it?
What you doing, making love?
- No, we're just looking at the moon.
I'll go away and let you spark
if you give me two bits.
You don't need to go.
If you excuse me, I have things to do.
[ Singing: ]
"He's a jerk from Albuquerque."
What's the matter? Won't he loosen?
- No... he won't vibrate.
Why don't you make him vibrate?
- There's another woman in his life.
Why don't you beat her up?
- He carries her around in here.
Did he swallow her?
- No. She's just a memory.
You sure got a torch.
- I'll say.
What you thinking about?
All life is a torch, ain't it?
When your torch burns down,
you're icky. You're as good as done.
When you're in love, you feel it and
when you ain't, you feel nothing.
Where did you learn all these things?
- Uncle Fletcher.
He must be very poetic.
- He's drunk most of the time.
I wish I could get him a little drunk.
Oh gosh, here comes old Fancy-pants.
I'm heading for the barn.
Please don't leave me alone
with him. I couldn't stand it.
- Good evening, Stanley.
Why don't you go someplace where
people may be wanting you?
She's quite a character.
Little girls should be home in bed.
- I ain't got no bed.
Look what I've found here. 5 cents.
- Put it back... awful mean.
Doggone, if there ain't 10 cents
hiding right underneath it.
Phooey to 15 cents.
Look. Ever see one of those?
- What is it?
50 cents.
Hot woodchucks.
I'm headed to the candy store.
We got more characters out
here than dogs got fleas.
The climate does funny
things to some people.
I knew you liked that lament I wrote for
you, so well I wrote up another verse.
I guess I'm in the mood for a lament.
- It wasn't quite sad enough.
No, it was a little too gay in spots.
- I'll fix that. Listen.
"Now the moon rides high
and the time to go has come."
"And I'm feeling so
sick of heart and soul."
"When they bury me aside
of my darling Nellie's grave."
"That's the time when I
will surely reach my goal."
That's very pretty.
- I ain't finished yet.
"On my darling Nellie's
grave on the prairie."
"I love to wander out
there 'neath the sky."
"And dream of the
time we'll be together."
"I can hardly wait
until the day I... die."
Was that sad enough?
- I'm not crying about that.
I ain't said nothing out of the way.
- No, you haven't.
Who did?
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
Was it that long-legged tenderfoot?
It isn't what he says.
It's what he doesn't say.
We don't like to see our womenfolk
crying in this part of the country.
He's answering to me.
Man to man.
Listen, Mr 'who-ever-your-are', I guess
you don't know much about Arizona.
I'm learning fast.
Out here, we don't allow no
highfalutin with the womenfolk.
What have I done?
You have insulted the woman
with whom I'm enamored.
Did she say that?
- Leave her out of it. It's man-to-man.
You and I are going
to do a little shooting.
I don't fancy plugging an unarmed man.
- You would be doing me a big favor.
This is the way we do things
in this part of the country.
What is that? A forty-five?
- I guess so. Why?
I haven't fired one of these in ages.
Can I take some practice shots?
Not me.
- No, I'll pick out something over here.
Are you leading me on, stranger?
Enright! Are you shot?
- No. I'm alright.
Women ain't got no stomach for gunplay.
- I guess not.
Well, here. She's all yours.
You better take her up the shack.
- She's quite a character.
No hard feelings?
- Oh no.
Sorry I lost my temper.
- That's okay.
More things ought to
be settled by arbitration.
Goodnight, stranger.
- Goodnight.
[ Singing: ]
"Oh, my darling. Oh
my darling Clementine."
"I have lost you forever... "
Why ain't you working the mine?
- Oh, what's the use?
You're after gold, ain't you?
- What good will that do me?
I was only working the
mine to please him.
It seems like the more you do for
people, the less they appreciate it.
You ain't going to give
up so easy I hope.
What are you going to do with
a man you can't even arouse.
I guess I'll just settle down here
with you and he can go hang.
Just a minute.
Maybe you ain't feeding
him the right bait.
I've thought of every
feminine trick I know.
There may be some you ain't thought of.
- I wish I knew what they were.
Do you ever stop to think
he may be after your money?
He knows I haven't any money.
- Maybe he thinks I've got some.
He's not interested in money.
If you happen to find
some gold in that mine.
You might get a surprise.
Why do you suppose they named
that mine 'The Lost Hope'?
I don't know. Just a name, I guess.
Remember, old Muttonhead
was just about ready to give up.
That couldn't happen twice.
By the way...
Did you look into this crosscut
that runs over toward the saloon?
No. Why?
Why don't you go down and
give it one more look-around?
You're acting awfully funny.
- Just a hunch.
Okay, I'll go down and
have a look around.
It's just a waste of time.
If that ain't gold quartz...
I can't smell it.
"Oh, my darling..."
That granddaughter of yours
is sure a chip off the old block.
She ain't a chip off of this block.
- She's sure full of persistence.
I'm afraid she's about
fifty years too late.
You old colts would get a great jolt
if she happened to hit the lost vein.
That lost vein was up here.
In Muttonhead's imagination.
I wouldn't be too sure.
May I join the party?
- Sure. Move in.
Have a cup of coffee?
- No thanks.
You ain't giving up are you?
There's no gold in that
mine and you know it.
Did you go where I told you to?
Yes. I don't think much of your hunches.
You wouldn't know gold if you saw it.
- Maybe not.
I think she's showing good sense.
Because... when
Muttonhead hit the bonanza.
It was right, like this.
And the drift was over to the left.
It was not. It just ran the other way.
Don't tell me.
I helped Muttonhead work it.
You're getting so old your
memory is petering out.
I ain't so old I can't
take care of myself.
I never saw the day I
can't handle two like you.
Quit getting excited or you'll
both fall down in a fit.
Plenty of life in me.
- Yes, there's plenty in me, too.
I wasn't a champion
box-fighter for nothing.
Sit down and cool off.
I never saw the day I could
not handle a rod like you.
Where'd you get this?
- Get what?
If that ain't gold,
I've never seen none.
Give me a look at that pan.
Jumping jeepers! She's hit it.
Where did you get that?
- Out of the mine. Why?
Why? You've hit a bonanza.
I can't believe it.
Is that really gold?
That's what you looked for, ain't it?
How'd you know it was down there?
- You ain't the only one that vibrates.
It's like a miracle.
Why don't you show it to your boyfriend?
Maybe it will start him vibrating.
Look, Enright... gold!
It's been here all the time.
What a coincidence.
- Where you going?
You're straightened out now.
There's nothing to hold me here.
You're not going to leave
me in this horrible place?
I thought you liked Arizona.
- I only said that to please you.
You don't care what happens to me.
- Of course I care.
You hate me.
- I don't hate you.
I only came here in the first place to
find gold and get you on your feet.
You're being unfair.
You lured me here. Now you desert me.
Has that gold gone to your head?
Last night you were perfectly normal.
I am not normal.
I have spells and dreams all the time,
but I never tell you a thing about them.
What kind of spells?
- Never mind.
I hope you'll be very happy.
- What kind of spells?
It's nothing much. Just a funny little
click I get back here once in a while.
Are you telling the truth?
- Last night I dreamt of Mr Billingsley.
I dreamed he was in prison
hanging by a long rope.
By the little men who were jumping
and dancing and singing.
[ Singing: ]
"We'll hang John Billingsley
to a sour apple tree."
"We'll hang John Billingsley
to the sour apple tree."
"We'll hang John Billingsley
to the sour apple tree."
"We'll hang John B. to the tree."
"We'll hang John Billingsley
to the sour apple tree."
"We'll hang John B. to the tree."
"We'll hang John Billingsley
to the sour apple tree."
"We'll hang John Billingsley
to the sour apple tree."
So it looks like she hit pay-dirt.
- That's what it looks like.
She ain't a bad-looking girl
when she has nice clothes on.
Go on.
She ought to get about half a
million out of that mine, I'd say.
Someone could get one-to-ten
years out of that mine, I'd say.
When the ore gets a Government assay
and they see the mine was salted.
Someone's in for a heap of trouble.
What do you know about salting mines?
- Not as much as you do.
Are you implying...?
- Yes.
There is a cemetery
back up in them hills.
It's just full of people who
can't mind their own business.
I had her almost straightened
out... almost normal.
Now look what you've done.
She's back where she started.
Can I help it if she hit the pay-dirt?
I'll stay on. I'll see
this thing through.
But I don't want any more
interference. You understand?
Are you threatening me?
- Yes.
You've been telling her to come to her
senses. Why don't you come to yours?
You don't want her,
and you don't want gold.
What do you want?
- Just watch your step.
Lyle, you struck it yet?
- Not yet.
Thanks for the lift. I'll buy
a cone off you sometime.
How do you feel about your good fortune?
- It is very exciting.
What are you going to
do with all your money?
What will you do with your money?
I'm going to punish Mr Billingsley.
Are you Mr Billingsby?
- Not 'Billingsby', Billingsley.
Can I have one more, please?
Will you settle down and get married?
I'm so mad at a certain party at the
moment, I'm liable to do anything.
How do you like the gay 90's?
You've started something.
How are you going to finish it?
Lots of fun while it lasts.
What about those poor fellows
digging for gold that isn't there?
They've been dead for fifty years. They
ought to be glad I got 'em back to life.
What about your conscience?
Look, why not loosen
up and have some fun?
I'm not here to have fun.
I suppose my granddaughter
ain't good enough for you?
That has nothing to do with it.
Are you going to spend the rest of your
life peeking through that telescope?
Why don't you raise your
head and look around?
Maybe there's other
things in life besides bugs.
Hiya Kate.
I'll be blowed. If it ain't old Bill.
Where in the name of
time did you drop from?
How long has this been going on?
My granddaughter hit pay-dirt
and this is what happened.
Something should be done
about these kindly people.
Like what?
We may open up the old joint again
and teach them the rudiments of Faro.
It seems such a shame to waste
such a lovely group of...
Un-sheared lambs.
Howdy, folks.
A picture of you with this pick.
Do you mind?
No. Not at all.
Hold it.
Thank you.
Well... look who's here.
How nice.
How nice of your to come.
Just make yourselves at home, won't you.
[ Indian language ]
Yes. How true. How true.
Isn't it exciting and thrilling?
- It will be more exciting later on.
It can't be more exciting.
It's just like a Kitty-party only
the costumes are different.
You think I ought to serve
coffee and sandwiches?
Aren't you talking like a child again?
Enright, you must do things for others.
After all, look what you have
done for Stanley and me.
Just what did I do for Stanley?
If you hadn't got me out to Arizona
I might never have met Stanley again.
Isn't it so, Stanley?
- What?
I was just telling Enright
how grateful we are.
I'll be the first to put out my hand.
- I'm so glad you'll be friends.
To me, a man is a man.
I'm so happy I want to go on a spree.
Stanley, go and buy me an ice-cream.
Ain't she a character?
- Yes, she sure is.
Would you like one, Enright?
- No.
The treats on me. They're only 5 cents.
- Well, just skip mine.
Well, some people can
take it or leave it alone.
He's so manly isn't he.
- If you think so.
And human, and kind. And very poetic.
We want you to be sure
to come to the wedding.
When did you decide on a wedding?
I haven't talked it over with
Stanley yet. It's kind-of a surprise.
- Where are you going?
I give up.
It's what you wanted, isn't it?
- I don't know what I wanted.
I'm only doing it to make you happy.
- Stop talking nonsense.
This isn't the kind of life I wanted.
It will be different living with
cows and pigs. And Stanley.
You must come and see our place.
- I don't want to see it.
You don't like Stanley?
For the love of Mike, stop talking about
Stanley. I'm sick of hearing his name.
Stanley, Stanley, Stanley.
You're driving me nuts.
Aren't they sweet? They make
wonderful pets. So understanding.
A lot more understanding
than most humans, they say.
Yeah, and they're good beef-cattle, too.
Stanley, do you have to think
of everything in terms of food?
Well, everyone that eats a piece of
beefsteak is party to killing a cow.
Boy, there's nothing better than
a nice big cut of beefsteak.
With plenty of mashed
potatoes and cream.
Stanley, please.
Enright has a delicate constitution.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Say... we never did figure out
just where you fit into this herd.
I'm afraid I don't get it.
There's nothing personal
between you two?
Heavens, no.
I'm just a sort-of guardian.
- That's a big relief to me.
It will be a big relief to Enright
when I'm happily married.
There's an old saying in Arizona.
Take a man like you find him.
- That sounds reasonable.
Especially if he's a man of spirit.
- Naturally.
What are those men doing?
- They're roping and branding.
It takes a lot of skill.
There's nothing to it if you know how.
- That's what Stanley will teach me.
Would you like him to
give a demonstration?
If he doesn't mind.
- I ain't exactly dressed for it.
You doubt Stanley can rope a cow?
- I didn't say that.
Oh, I've been so busy composing laments
that I'm afraid I'm a little bit rusty.
I'd like Enright to see
a man's man in action.
Well, anything to please a lady.
Hey, Frank.
Let me borrow your horse.
I want to do a little calf-roping.
Well, here he is.
I'd much rather put it
off to some other time.
I wouldn't think of it. This will
be a great treat for Enright.
He's spent most of his life with bugs
and microbes and things like that.
Well... here goes.
Do you think he ought to do that?
Stanley can do anything.
Good grief.
Don't get excited... Stanley always
does everything a different way.
Are you hurt, boss?
- No, but I'm powerful humiliated.
Give me that rope.
I'll get that doggone critter.
I didn't know calf-roping
was so complicated.
You're just being sarcastic.
Next time I have veal chops,
I'll be more appreciative.
Here, calfy, calfy, calfy.
Nice calfy.
Come here, you.
Want to hear about our wedding plans?
- This is more interesting.
We're going to re-enact the
2-Guns Dawson, Faro Nell romance.
Would you like to hear about it?
- About what?
Our wedding plans.
Hold still. You overgrown bullfrog.
Before I lose my temper.
Faro Nell used to sing
in The Lost Hope saloon.
But she wouldn't have anything
at all to do with 2-Guns Dawson.
Wait for me.
So one night he rode into the saloon
on horseback and shot up the place.
He put her across the
pommel on his saddle.
And took her to the judge and
they lived happily ever after.
You'll pay for this humiliation, my
friend. Just wait until I get you alone.
What's he doing now?
- Who?
That's just routine.
Did you hear what I said?
Yes. I heard every word.
We're going to have an Indian court.
- That's pretty interesting.
Oh horseback.
Stanley is getting the best of him.
- To heck with Stanley.
That's no way to talk of
your future husband.
I could kill you...
Attention all.
For your amusement and edification,
there will be re-enacted here tonight.
That famous 2-Guns Dawson
Faro Nell elopement.
Ain't you staying for the wedding?
- No, I'm not.
Can't you take it?
If anyone asks of me,
say you haven't seen me.
I will for fifty cents.
Here's a dollar.
- Is that a real dollar?
Just a minute, Long-legs.
You ain't making no getaway.
- I don't understand.
Are you going to let her
marry that big galoot?
I can't stop her.
- Just turn around and get going.
Unless you want some buckshot in you.
- What do you want me to do?
You're going up to that shack and
tell her to stop that wedding.
She's up there crying her eyes out.
There's nothing I can do about it.
- There's plenty you can do about it.
You just get going.
If you'll only be reasonable, I'll try
and explain the whole situation to you.
Maybe you don't think the gun is loaded.
- Are you sure you're not loaded?
Pardon me. I hope I'm not intruding.
What do you want?
- The owner of the Lost Hope mine.
Who are you?
- I represent the U.S. Government.
What's wrong with her?
I'm sure glad you came along.
Maybe I can help. Is it about the gold?
No. The Government's got all the
gold it needs buried in Kentucky.
What's it about?
There's millions in quicksilver
in this country somewhere.
The Government is interested.
What's wrong with that?
Are you kidding?
I'm not kidding.
- Did you say 'millions'?
That's what it looks like.
- That's all I want to hear.
What's the matter with everybody?
Have they gone nuts?
They're all drunk.
I couldn't find nothing out.
What do you want?
Is there a woman around here by the
name of Palmer or is she a spook?
What's it worth to tell you?
- Are you nuts too?
No, I'm not.
- Look lady, I'm getting desperate.
Is there a lady here named Palmer?
- My name is Palmer.
Don't move.
- Are you trying to be familiar?
Do you own the Lost Hope mine?
- I've an interest in it. Why?
I must give away a million
dollars and nobody wants it.
We must talk about that another time.
- We'll talk about it now.
If you must give money away, give it to
my grandmother. She loves to hoard it.
Where's your grandmother?
- She just ran over the hill.
Where are you going?
- Have you seen Enright?
You mean Long-legs?
- You mustn't talk like that.
He's gone.
- Gone? Where?
He drove off that way and I
don't think he's coming back.
- Just now.
Did you see a tall,
good-looking man drive off?
Sure. Why?
- I want you to follow him.
No. I wait for the Government man.
Want to get shot? This is an emergency.
An emergency? Why didn't
you say so? Let's go.
Get right in.
The Government man can wait.
Goodbye, Strawberry.
- I can drive you in case of emergency.
If you'd said 'emergency',
we'd be there by now.
Tell the Government man where I went.
Boys, when you hear the
shooting, bust right out into song.
Where's my bride?
- We ain't seen her.
Something must have gone wrong.
Who you looking for, Fancy-pants?
- I'm looking for my bride.
She ran off with Long-legs.
I might have know'd it.
There's no use, fellahs.
White women ain't reliable.
Better get back to the reservation.
I don't want this to run into overtime.
Ain't you going to chase her, Stanley?
No, I've done my best.
I'll get out of these fancy clothes
and go back to practising my roping.
I see... when did you first
notice this strange behaviour?
Ever since his return from Arizona.
Could be the climate.
Tell him about your experience.
I was talking to him the other day.
He asked me if I felt a marriage
can work if two people weren't mated.
Then he asked if numerology had anything
to do with a person's vibrations.
What's numerology?
- Something to do with... numbers.
Perhaps he's evolving a new theory.
Nice to see you again.
- How do you do?
This is Doctor Brewster, head of
The Foundation. This is Jane Palmer.
How do you do? It's a pleasure,
I'm sure. Won't you be seated?
If I can help Miss Palmer
find a certain Dr Enright.
She's promised not to put me in jail.
- Jail?
I'm afraid I don't... quite understand.
You see, I'm ashamed to admit it
but I've turned out to be an...
You don't need to say it.
We have a Doctor Enright,
right here on this floor.
I see what you mean.
But not in this office?
No. He's just down the hall.
- Is he a patient?
Well, in a way. But I'm just
beginning to diagnose his case.
It was another woman.
She's thrown him out of harmony.
I think we can get him
back into harmony okay.
My grandfather did a
lot for this foundation.
And I think The Foundation should
do something for me and Enright.
I'm sure The Foundation can help you.
And you can help The Foundation.
That's what Enright always says,
you must do things for others.
Yes. Well, come with me.
Goodbye Mr Billingsley... I hope you
grow fat on your ill-gotten gains.
You think I've got room?
As for me, I've found
something money can't buy.
And don't try and give any of it back
to me, because I'll refuse to take it.
Not even if you came crawling to me on
your hands... on your hands and knees.
You will find Dr Enright two doors down.
- He can be cured, can't he?
He's half cured now.
You'll have to do the rest.
Isn't science wonderful?
- It's coming along.
You are wonderful.
Even Mr Billingsley is wonderful,
but I wouldn't let him know it.
Well Billingsley, it looks like we
may kill two birds with one stone.
I think you're hanging a rock
around poor old Enright's neck.
Everybody to his own taste.
Speaking of taste. Do you happen
to have any more nerve-tonic?
It was hidden right down there,
the last time I was here.
The Foundation offers
all kinds of service.
I'll just take it straight.
I've seen everything anyway, and
a few pink elephants won't matter.
To you, Doc.
Ah, well...
A penny for your thoughts.
Where did you come from?
- Arizona.
Are you... married?
- Not yet.
What about the Government
man and all that money?
I'll let grandma worry about that.
- You mean... you gave it all up?
Some aren't meant to have money.
Besides, being a chauffeur, I knew
you were sensitive about those things.
But now I haven't money anymore
there's no need to be sensitive.
I would've said something to you sooner
if it hadn't been for that other woman.
If you hadn't slapped me,
it may have been different.
But you did, and that changed the
whole course of nature because...
When a man slaps a woman, it shows
he loves her. Especially if he's sober.
I couldn't tell you before because
that other woman was in your life.
But now you are cured
I feel I can speak freely.
I think you're foolish about a lot of
things. But none of us can be perfect.
And I want someone to take care
of me and I want it to be you.
Why don't you say something? Go on, say
something. See how much better you feel.
I spent four years in college,
four years in medical school.
Two years as an intern.
All I ever wanted to be
was a man of science.
I wanted to do something for humanity.
I don't know why this should
have to happen to me.
It shouldn't have happened.
It couldn't have happened.
Keep talking... keep talking...
That's better.
Don't you feel better now?
Oh... of course you do.
Of course you do...