Lady of the Manor (2021) Movie Script

-[carriage clattering]
-[hooves clopping]
[horse whinnies]
[woman humming]
[gasps] You startled me!
We need to speak on something.
You didn't buy bread,
did you, Richmond?
I think it is woeful
how we have abandoned
the old, respectable mode
of yeast brewing.
But it is not your place
to think.
Not in my house.
Our house.
You're my wife.
So in the eyes of the law,
the house is mine.
Well, the law abides
by the will of the estate.
A will my father
quite deliberately crafted.
Now, I don't wish
to play these vulgar games
of ownership with you.
It vexes me.
I'm now quite vexed.
You don't think I'm vexed?
Then why indulge
in these vexing matters?
[body thuds]
[man on TV]
So what really did happen
on that fateful day?
Was it an accident?
Her husband claimed
she tripped,
but her friends say
she was anything but a klutz.
Could alcohol have played
a role in her demise?
Perhaps one too many
mint juleps for the lady.
The answers
to these questions might lie
with the housekeeper.
Or they might be buried
six feet underground.
Who can say?
Oh. What are you doing
up so early?
There's a Masters of Murder
marathon on.
Did you finish all the bread?
Mm, there was only
one slice left.
I wanted to make a sandwich.
It's breakfast.
What do you want a sandwich for?
For lunch. To take to work.
You know that thing
that adults go to?
I have a job, dick.
Oh, that's right. You're a--
You're a drug dealer.
I almost forgot.
I'm not a drug dealer, okay?
I'm a drug deliverer.
Huh. Big difference.
There is a big difference.
I don't do the deals.
I just deliver the product.
Well, one day,
if you play your cards right,
maybe you can become
an actual dealer.
Every kid's dream.
You're an asshole.
I love you too, honey.
Have a great day.
Enjoy your high!
I will!
[mocking] "Enjoy the high!"
She was out of control.
That's what people
were saying about her
after she died.
That story that came out
in the press was not...
It was not accurate.
-So what was the truth?
What was accurate?
-[phone buzzing]
Will we ever know?
Stay tuned to find out.
[groans] Shit.
Next on Masters of Murder...
["Only For Tonight" playing]
Don't think twice
Although we'd never make it
Tonight I'm gonna fake it
Only for tonight
I have to get my roots done
at 2:15. Where the hell
is that idiot?
Honey. I don't know.
So what's this all about?
Are you guys finally
getting a divorce?
Your father has something
he wants to tell you.
Shortly, I shall be
announcing my candidacy
for mayor of Savannah.
Cool. Good luck.
Sit down.
Son, I know how much
you enjoy doing
absolutely nothing
with your life
and spending
your allowance on
or God-knows-who.
Are you accusing me
of fucking prostitutes?
No, I'm sorry, Mom,
but it's really insulting.
I would never pay for sex.
Because I don't have to.
Would you shut your mouth?
I was not talking about
your sex life,
-which I have no doubt
is quite robust.
-Hell yeah.
In regards to my campaign,
there are gonna have to be
some changes made.
I will no longer have the time,
nor quite frankly the energy,
to oversee the day-to-day
operations of Wadsworth Manor.
That responsibility shall fall
upon your shoulders.
Why can't Mom do it?
Your mother, bless her heart,
will be joining me
on the campaign.
Sorry to interrupt.
Can I get you folks anything?
No, thank you, Nia.
Yeah, get me
an iced pumpkin spice latte.
I'm sorry, sir.
I don't think we have that.
Really? That's weird.
Well, then I guess I'll
just get a mango smoothie.
But not too sweet.
Bring him a water, Nia.
Of course, ma'am.
Thank you, Nia.
Hey, why doesn't she do it?
-The lady that works here.
The one that won't make me
a good drink.
Nia is already staff manager.
She has been for years.
There needs to be
someone in charge
of the entire operation.
To oversee everything.
I just don't think I have time
to take on another job.
And what do you mean,
"another job"?
Me and Preston and Chaz are
working on developing an app.
And what does this app do?
It, like, gives you
rides places.
-Oh, like Uber?
Yeah, kinda.
But with sicker cars.
And like super hot drivers.
Well, I'm afraid your app is
going to have to be put on the
back burner for a little while.
I think I'm gonna
have to say no, Dad.
Well, then
I'm gonna have to say
since Wadsworth Manor
is your inheritance,
you will be on your own
financially from now on.
This is horseshit!
Nia will brief you
on all the particulars.
Oh, and, son,
this property has been in
our family for over 180 years.
Don't you be the one
to fuck it up. Darling.
Hey. Um, it's me.
[man] Hey, come on in.
Make yourself at home.
I'm making some sweet tea.
Come on in.
-That looks good.
-It is.
-Is that, like, lemon?
Rainbow. Cool.
Since I'm a kid,
I love lollipops.
Um, hey, are
your, like, parents
or siblings here,
by any chance?
You wanna make sure
I'm alone?
Wait, no. That sounds weird.
I kinda--
-[female officer]
Get on the ground!
-On your fucking knees!
-You're under arrest for
the solicitation of a minor.
-[Hannah] What?
-[male officer]
Hands behind your back.
-Um, okay.
-Okay. Okay.
-You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say
can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
You have the right
to an attorney.
If you cannot afford
an attorney, one will be
appointed for you.
Not to interrupt--
With these rights in mind,
do you still wish to discuss
the charges against you?
Yes. I certainly do. Um...
I'm so ticklish.
Is this 72 Jackson Street?
No. It's 72 Jackson Avenue.
Oh, my God.
See, this is so funny.
Well, maybe it's not so funny,
but it's-- That I can explain.
Solicitation of a minor
with the intent to sell
narcotics to said minor.
No, no, no, no. Um, okay.
Not to narc out my bosses,
but I work for a company
called Lady Mary Jane.
And I was supposed to deliver
that weed and, um, yeah,
that bag of edibles
to 72 Jackson Street.
[scoffs] I'm not here for sex.
And even if I was here for sex,
I wouldn't want
to do it with him.
How old is he?
Is he like 12 or something?
I'm 19.
You're 19?
That is just-- Really?
-I'm an actor.
-He doesn't even have pubes.
I have all the pubes.
Tons of pubes.
Like tons of pubes?
That's not something
to brag about, by the way.
Don't lick your lollipop
right now.
He's like sexually harassing
me for real.
Why don't you arrest this creep?
-He's just doing his job, ma'am.
-What is wrong with you?
Doesn't even have to be
acting anymore.
[door opens]
Todd! I'm so glad you're here.
You don't know the difference
between street and avenue?
I was a little stoned.
I was arrested
for soliciting sex
from a kid today.
Please just be nice to me.
For a change.
Look, my uncle is friends
with the DA. I talked to him.
They're giving you a break.
Oh, that's amazing!
And dropping
all the drug charges.
All you have to do is
register as a sex offender.
Yeah, right. [laughs]
Do you know how lucky
you are, Hannah?
This could've been way worse.
I sure hope you can get
your shit together,
because this is...
this is really fucking pathetic.
Wait. Are you
breaking up with me?
Well, I can't introduce
my parents to a sex offender.
I'm gonna go
pack up your shit.
Well, you know what? Good.
I didn't want
to meet them anyway.
What kind of people
name their kid "Todd"?
Such a stupid name.
They sound
like assholes actually.
I've been cheating on you.
Huh? With who?
With the mailman.
With the milkman.
We don't have a milkman.
Ah, fuck.
Bye, Hannah.
[door closes]
Now, upon the night
that General Sherman
placed his prized hat
into my grateful hands,
little did I know our home would
forever become an integral part
of Savannah's rich
and turbulent history.
[light applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
I would now be more than happy
to answer any queries
you may have regarding
our beloved manor.
Yeah. Did General Sherman
place anything else
into your grateful hands?
-No, sir, he did not.
Thank you kindly.
Thank you. Have a good day.
Thank you so much.
Bye-bye. Thank you.
[mock accent]
Very impressive, milady.
Thank you, Mr. Wadsworth.
[normal voice]
Please, "Mr. Wadsworth"
is so stuffy and formal.
You can call me Tanner.
[coins clinking]
Thank you.
You earned it.
You sounded exactly like you
were an old colonial lady
or whatever.
It was really hot.
Thank you, sir.
Let's have dinner tonight.
My treat.
Oh, uh, thank you, but--
Fine, we'll split the bill.
I am actually having dinner
with my boyfriend tonight.
Cancel it.
I'm sorry, Mr. Wadsworth.
Hmm, I'm sorry too.
-We're gonna have to let you go.
[mock accent]
Now please leaveth
the premises-eths.
-[men laughing]
-[man] Then what'd she say?
Nothing. She was just
literally like, "Fuck you."
But she didn't say it.
Oh, yeah.
What a slut!
Total slut!
"I have a boyfriend
who I love."
-[all laugh]
-[phone chiming]
Oh, my God.
It's my fiance.
Sorry. Gotta blaze.
Hey, baby. I've been
thinking about you too.
Now I have to register
as a sex offender,
which probably isn't going
to be easy.
Like if registering your car
at the DMZ or whatever
is such a bitch,
can you imagine how much more
of a bitch it's gonna be
to register as a sex offender?
You know, I hope it's harder.
If it is easier to register
as a sex offender...
[laughs] You know,
I think I could be
a stand-up comedian.
"What's the deal with
registering as a sex offender?"
I don't know.
Why don't you tell me?
Uh, I don't actually know
'cause I'm not, like,
a real sex offender.
I was set up by this,
like, adult kid actor.
This fruity little
youthful narc.
I see.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but you're really, really
[phone chiming]
If that fake kid today
had looked like you?
Ooh, boy, like,
throw the book at me.
Can I ask what you do?
Um, I used to be in
the pharmaceutical business
and now I am self-unemployed.
You just passing through?
No, I live in Savannah.
Oh, where?
What, are you,
like, a person who, like,
asks a lot of questions?
I'm a person who would
like to offer you a job.
Fuck off.
I'm serious.
Do you have any acting
experience, by any chance?
Um, yes,
by some chance, I do.
I know. It's crazy.
I was in an acting play,
Drugs Are For Slugs.
You've probably heard of it.
I played the main slug.
It was part of this, like,
after-school program
for kids whose parents thought
they might end up doing drugs.
So pretty good casting,
if you ask me. [chuckles]
I knew you'd be perfect.
There's only one thing.
You'll have to live
at Wadsworth Manor.
So pretty much you'll be
in charge of maintaining
the interior of Wadsworth Manor.
Laundry, light cleaning,
things of that nature.
If you have any questions,
you can direct them towards
myself or my brother, Marcus.
And of course you'll be
in charge of leading the tours,
which start promptly
at 9:30 every day.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
Nia, have you seen my toolbox?
I think I saw it
in the garage. Check there.
Oh. Okay. Thanks.
Who is that sexy hunk
of man meat?
That's Marcus.
My brother.
Oh. Cool. Cool.
He seems smart.
Oh, what's this?
This is a pretty dress.
Wow! Who makes this?
Yep. It is a JZP. I knew it.
This actually belonged
to Lady Wadsworth's best friend
in the entire world,
who just so happened to be my
great-great-great grandmother,
Josephine Zelda Pipkin.
She sewed that into
all her possessions,
few as they were.
Zelda, huh? This is
probably a dumb question,
but she wasn't,
by any chance,
named after the actual
Legend of Zelda, was she?
Moving on.
This right here is
the most prized possession
of our Wadsworth Manor.
Oh, sorry.
This is my most prized
possession, too, so...
When General William
Tecumseh Sherman stayed here
during the Civil War,
he was so charmed
by Lady Wadsworth,
by her hospitality,
graciousness and class,
he gave her his hat as a gift.
[Hannah] Oh, shit.
Lady Wadsworth, that's the role
I'm getting my hands on, right?
That's right.
And she was classy.
The absolute classiest.
Okay. I will make sure
to do her justice.
I did have a few beers
Let me show you
where you'll be staying.
Here we are.
The lady's bedroom.
Oh, my God!
Remember, this will be
part of the tour,
so it's imperative that
you keep it as the lady kept it.
Wow, this is amazing!
I don't know,
I think they're Skechers.
Oh! You mean...
Excuse me.
Is there anything else
I can get for you?
Uh, no. I think I'm good.
Thank you so much.
Make sure you're well versed
on the history of the manor
by tomorrow.
There's a packet
with all relevant information
on the side table next to you.
Oh, yep.
Good night, Hannah.
Okay. Good night.
"Wadsworth Manor,
founded in 1840
by Jennings F. Daubmire,
is one of the oldest and most
treasured historical homes--"
Hear ye, hear ye.
My name is Lady Wadsworth,
but you can call me Nancy.
I built this house
with my own two hands
in the summer of 1855.
Uh, I know what
you're all thinking.
Wow, that makes you super old!
Uh, let me tell you my secret.
SPF 50. [chuckles weakly]
And this is, uh,
ye olde living room,
where they used to host
parties and shit-- and digs.
Yes. A question. A little early
for a question, but okay.
Oh, sorry. I just--
really quick. Um,
what are you talking about?
I'm sorry, what?
Well, first of all,
your name is Elizabeth,
not Nancy.
Uh, this house was built
in 1840, and not 1855.
It's literally right
on the cover of the pamphlet.
And, um, this is definitely
not called "ye olde living room"
because, well, that's...
that's ridiculous.
So what-- what
are you talking about?
Uh, if you'll excuse me
just for one minute. Please.
Sorry. Uh...
[clears throat]
What the fuck is your problem?
What's my problem?
Oh, I'm sorry
I was hoping for
some facts on this tour.
I am giving you facts.
No, you're not.
Fact after fact.
Not real facts.
Not actual facts.
Well, what makes you
so qualified to say that?
A PhD in American History
from Harvard.
Yeah. What is going on?
Do you even work here?
Look, I'm just trying
not to get fired, okay?
It's my first day.
I'm sorry. Just, I really
need this job. Please?
I'm here with some students
from my seminar.
It's a little weird.
I was hoping they would
learn something.
Ah, screw it.
I'll catch 'em up later.
Ugh, thank you.
You're so sweet. Thank you.
Listen, if you ever want
any actual facts...
Let me know.
Thank you. Just gonna
tuck it right in here.
Okay. Yeah. No pockets.
Thank you.
Now where were we
before we were interrupted?
Oh, right, I was gonna
show you ye olde den,
where they used to watch...
probably plays. Come on.
Right this way.
So, as Lady Wadsworth, um,
as I always used to say,
"Ye don't have to go home,
but ye can't stay here."
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
You were fantastic.
Was I?
I couldn't tell
the difference between
you and Lady Wadsworth.
Oh, my God.
That is so nice of you.
Well, I'm a nice guy.
Let's celebrate tonight.
What do you say?
Okay. [chuckles] Sure.
That's the right answer.
Sorry to bother you, but--
[Hannah chuckles]
Don't worry. I'll clean it up
before the next tour.
I'm trying to figure out what
to wear. I got a hot date
with our hunky boss.
-Lucky you.
-What do you think about this?
You think Tanner
will like this?
I really think the best thing
is to just be a lady.
That way you can better
serve the role of "the lady."
You feel me?
Oh, mm-hmm.
Tanner's into classy ladies.
-I got you. I can do this.
My ex-roommate
used to watch Downtown Abbey
all the time, so...
I guess that's a good start.
-Hey, Nia?
-Thank you.
-Don't worry.
You're gonna do just fine here.
Mm. I like that dress.
Thank you, Nia.
My name is Tanner.
-Hi. I'm Addison, and I'll be
your waitress for the evening.
Can I start you off
with some drinks?
Uh, yes, indeed.
I think I shall.
-Something classy, of course.
-Would you like to look
at our wine list?
Do you think
I don't know my wines?
No. Not at all.
I was just--
I'll peruse the list
just to make sure
the ones you got on it
are classy enough for me.
Very good.
And for the gentleman?
Yeah, gimme a shot of Patrn
and a vod sodes.
A vodka soda.
They have got the most sick
tasting fish here.
Ham cubes are fire.
Oh, they have
ham cubes? Where?
Yeah, you can't go wrong.
I still can't believe
you just, like, swooped into
the bar and you were like,
"Hi, I'm hot, you want a job
and a sick place to live?"
[both chuckle]
I know this isn't
a classy thing to admit,
but I wasn't really on my way
to join the circus like I said.
I had no real plan.
Well, maybe there's some way
you can repay the favor.
Oh, my God. You're like
a knight in shiny armor.
But hotter.
Well, you're pretty great too.
Do you mean it?
I do.
Oh. That's so beautiful.
I mean, honestly,
you're like a poet.
But hotter.
I can't believe I get to live
in your family's mansion.
Yeah, it's a pretty nice house,
I guess.
"Nice house." [laughs]
Yeah, and the Taj Mahal
is just a "nice hall."
So what was it like growing up
in that "nice house"? [laughs]
[scoffs] I didn't live
in that house.
It's more like
a dusty old family museum.
But I get to sell it
when my parents die,
so that's cool.
Wow. That's awesome.
What do you say we head back
there and, uh, dust the bed,
if you know what I mean?
I'm pretty sure I do.
You're talking about sex,
Can I get you anything else?
Some coffee perhaps, ma'am?
Why would I want coffee?
Hey, uh, Adderall.
It's Addison.
I just wanted
to let you know
that I finished
the entire bottle
of the strun... jun... junior.
So now who doesn't know
their wines?
Thank you.
I outclassed the fuck
outta her.
[tires screech]
You're such a good
drunk driver.
Thanks, I know.
You kiss like a horse.
[both moaning, grunting]
Oh, yeah!
Let's do this.
Wait. Okay.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God,
you're so hot. Okay.
I'm just, um--
I'm gonna go freshen up.
So just, real quick.
Wanna smoke?
Condoms, condoms.
Thank you, Jesus.
I'll be right out!
Oh, you're great.
Eat your heart out, Todd.
Hi. You look comfortable.
Are you having a little nap?
Oh, my God, that's so cute.
Maybe little Tan-Tan needs
a little wake-up call. Hmm?
Is that a yes? Okay.
I just wanna make sure
that this is consexual.
-Sounds good to me.
[Lady Wadsworth] No!
What the fuck?
Oh, my God! Who are you?
No, poor depraved wench,
the question is who are you?
I am the lady
who lives in this room.
And that is my cock that
you are blocking me from.
Now, who are you?
I am Lady Elizabeth Wadsworth,
and I am afraid to tell you
I take umbrage with
the despicable, animalistic way
you are behaving in my room!
Yeah. Okay, right.
No, 'cause Tanner
told me about you.
You had the job
before me, right?
Had I ever the job you possess,
I shall think I would have
long ago gone mad
from syphilis. Or worse.
You think I'm a prostitute?
I know you to be.
Grateful only that
your customer seems
to have saved himself
from whatever lusty madness with
which you mean to inflict him.
Okay. You're nuts. Uh, what?
You quit 'cause you couldn't
stand being around Tanner
after he rejected you
and now you're stalking him
but in character!
And I'm the mad one?
Hey, Tanner.
Seriously, wake up, okay?
'Cause your weird stalker
is here,
and I don't feel like
getting stabbed by a lunatic.
Little known fact,
this is my favorite room
in all of Wadsworth Manor.
Can anybody guess why?
Yes. You, the natural brunette.
Because you love to read?
Wrong. Reading is for nerds.
[chuckles] I'm joking.
So, over here we have--
Fuck! [groans]
That-- Fuck. Fuck.
That was to illustrate,
uh, the fact that contrary
to popular belief,
women of the time had
the tongues of filthy sailors.
They really did.
It was very customary, uh,
for women to say "fuck"
and "shit" and even "cocktease."
"Pussy" was
a very popular word of the day.
But, you know, "fuck" did not
mean what it means today.
Right? It didn't mean that.
It actually meant
a polite wink at a stranger.
So, in fact, right now,
I am fucking all of you.
[gasps] Oh, my God!
How dare you pose as me
in my own house,
spewing such filth!
Okay, um...
does everybody see
this old-timey-looking lady
right now?
-Holy shit.
You are an abomination.
A filthy tramp, you are.
-What did you call me?
-I didn't call you anything.
Call... Call on me. Uh, I had
so many gentleman callers...
That is a lie!
...calling upon me.
I was a faithfully
married woman.
You take your lies...
Just one after the other.
...and vacate
this house at once.
Just gentleman caller
after gentleman caller.
One after the other. In and out.
You should be ashamed speaking
in such a crass manner.
It is most unbecoming!
Okay. Now, that's
the end of the tour.
That's it.
Um, thank you for coming.
And, uh, please come
see us again soon.
Excuse me. Is that really
the end of the tour?
You are a disgrace.
I am not listening to you,
you obnoxious old asshole!
Sorry, ma'am, you were great.
What the f--
[knocking on door]
[Max] Come on in.
So many different theories
that it wouldn't--
Oh. Sorry. [chuckles]
I didn't know you were
busy with a lady.
Uh, this is my student, Jenny.
Jenny, this is, uh...
Hannah. Hi. I'm an actress.
And a model sometimes.
Okay. So I guess I'll, uh,
come back when you're not, um...
Oh, no. No! Jenny and I
were just finishing up.
Hannah, uh, so that-- that
would be perfectly good.
Thanks, Dr. Plumm.
Sure. I'll see you
in class, Jenny.
Dr. Plumm?
-Were you guys doing,
like, role-playing?
Like doctor-patient shit?
You are kinkier than I thought.
It's nothing inappropriate,
I assure you.
Just regular office hours.
Honestly. Yeah.
You can throw it away.
Don't tell anyone
about my office hours.
Oh, I won't.
That everyone has.
All teachers have.
It's just a student.
What can I-- What can I
help you with, Hannah?
Okay. So you say
you're a doctor.
Well, I am a doctor.
Do you know anyone
who can do an exorcism?
-An exorcism?
What's this about?
[sighs] Okay, so, I was giving
a tour this morning,
and Lady Wadsworth was on it.
Like, the real Lady Wadsworth.
Like, she was a ghost,
I think.
But not like
a scary, like, ghost.
She was more like
an old-fashioned bitch ghost.
Like all like stuffy and shit.
Like, "Neh, neh, neh."
Super annoying
and, like, yelling at me.
So now I need to try
to get rid of her,
and I thought the easiest
way to do that
would be to find someone
who knows about, like, potions
and spells and whatever,
like a doctor or a witch doctor
or like a priest
who can do an exorcism.
But not like an old weak priest.
I want, like, a hot, young,
like, athletic priest
who can really take a beating.
So what do you think?
Can you help me?
Do you know anyone?
Oh, forget it.
What-- Wait, hold on.
I'm sorry. Hold on.
Wait, wait, wait.
I-- You just caught me
a little off guard
coming in here
talking about exorcisms.
So I don't really know much
about this kinda thing.
-It's not my field. Um...
I do know that exorcisms
only really work if the spirit
is possessing a living person.
So I don't think that would be
your best bet.
Okay, well, thanks anyway.
Well, wait!
Where are you going?
-What do you mean?
I'm giving up.
-Just like that?
Yeah. This is more effort
than I've put into anything
in a long time, and I'm tired.
You're tired already?
Well, there might be some
other things we can try.
Um, Cynthia,
cancel all
my afternoon appointments.
Who's Cynthia?
That's my fake secretary.
I just told her to cancel
all my fake appointments.
Oh, it's a joke.
Oh, yeah. It's funny.
Is that... Okay, now see...
Ask about ghosts.
How to get rid of ghosts.
Think this will be
that simple? Oh, yeah.
["Evidence" playing]
Oh, my God.
It's all right.
It's fine.
Wow. It's really going.
Pushing our way
Through the crowd
Wait, he said
Got the devil in his head
I think I'm allergic to sage.
[coughing] Excuse me.
It's okay.
And kick the devil
Out the door
And watch him walk away
Like a prince
Once again
He's original as sin
But there ain't
Nowhere to run
I got the evidence
"Clean my roon."
What's a "roon"?
Well, I'm-- I'm guessing
she meant "room," with an "M."
I think that's a leap.
How do you know she didn't
mean "clean your roop"?
What's a "roop"?
Once again
He's original as sin
But there ain't
Nowhere to run
I got the evidence
We still got far to go
But there's plenty of time
And we're watching
For the signs
[chuckles] What are you,
a 13-year-old boy?
These are from the '80s.
It was my favorite era of D.
I'm old school.
Your favorite era of "D"?
Yeah. My favorite.
So keep in mind,
these are classics that
I'm throwing out right now.
[Max] Whoa! Jesus.
See? Old school.
I call this one my Tom Selleck.
Why? Oh, yeah.
Once again
He's original as sin
I am keeping Judd Nelson. Okay?
We've been through
too much together.
I wonder why I'm the only one
who can see her.
Well, I don't know. You know,
I think when a spirit
is stuck in limbo,
it means that they--
they need something.
Like something's been left
unfulfilled or unsolved
or something.
Then why me? Why isn't she
bugging anyone else?
Maybe you're
the only one who can
get her what she wants.
Hey! Is this what
you want? Is this okay?
Clean enough for you?
Pretty clean.
It's very clean.
I've never seen
so many dildos before.
Even in like a dildo store.
You've been to a dildo store?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, lots of them.
Yeah. Well, I-- I don't
really buy anything.
I just peruse
the aisles, you know.
I find it very calming.
I'm just kidding. Obviously.
[phone buzzing]
[phone chimes]
You know, I can't believe
I'm saying this.
Uh, all this exorcising
really worked up my appetite.
What-- What are you doing
for dinner? You have plans?
Oh, sorry, I kinda
just made plans.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
That's all right.
Um, I'm gonna--
I'm gonna head out.
Okay. Yeah. Another time.
Yeah. Okay, good.
Good, good.
No. No, no.
Have fun, uh, with your plans,
and I'll-- I'll see you.
What's up, bro?
Nothing. Bro.
What'd you say?
Did you just call me "bro"?
Well, yeah, but you called me
bro, so I thought it was cool.
It's cool for me,
not for you.
Okay, bro?
Okay. Sorry.
Yeah, you are.
[softly] Dick.
What'd you say?
[alarm chirping]
Knock, knock.
I got your cock, cock.
I'm just kidding.
Ha. Good one.
Let me see that smile.
Uh. There it is.
There it is.
Mm. One second.
What's wrong, baby?
What do you do exactly?
Huh? You serious?
Yeah. Uh...
Like I just realized
I don't really know
anything about you,
like, what you do
for a living or anything.
I don't know.
I do lots of stuff.
Like with my family business.
Cool. Like-- Like what?
Like I run family
business or whatever.
Oh, sure. Okay.
For shame!
I would never play with
the carnal emotions of a man
in such a childish manner.
Yeah, well,
get it through your thick,
translucent ghost brain,
I am not you.
[laughs] Nothing.
If you do not wish to engage in
these debaucherous activities,
then simply extricate yourself
from his presence.
He's clearly not
in a sober state of mind.
It's not that easy.
No shit. Can you help?
A lady should be neither
a trollop nor a tease.
Yet somehow you
succeed in being both.
[sighs] I can't do this.
Dude, are you serious?
What the fuck?
Yeah. I'm so sorry, um...
-I have diarrhea.
Well, I guess we'll just cross
that bridge when we come to it.
Mm, uh, okay.
Yeah, we've come to it.
So you should probably go.
Wait. Where are you going?
To jerk off in your bathroom.
I can't drive home like this.
I cannot believe
you would let him...
[pants unzip]
...defile himself in
the sanctity of my powder room!
Who cares? It's a bathroom.
I'm sure you've done plenty
of unsanctimoni-bous things
in there.
A lady does not indulge in
the scatological particulars
of her daily routine.
Why not? It's natural.
Not everything in nature
needs to be indulged in.
Onanism, for one.
-What is that?
-[Tanner moaning, grunting]
The spilling of one's seed.
The act of self arousal
just for one's own pleasure.
Oh, my God. What is wrong
with pleasure?
There's nothing wrong
with pleasure.
I myself have experienced many
pleasures in my lifetime.
[Tanner] Easy...
Taking walks.
Writing in my journal.
Journal. Wow.
Should be some good stuff
in here, I bet.
Look out, "Penthouse Forum."
-[Tanner exhales]
-Oh. My God. That was fast.
What can I say, you turn me on.
Um, I'm sorry about that--
Good luck with your shits.
Good riddance! Ugh!
Being so close to
that wantonly spilled seed
is making me uncomfortable
so I will take my leave as well.
Wait a minute. Hey!
Don't just leave the door
closed in my face!
I'm talking to you!
Your anger
is most unwarranted.
If anything, I should be
the one angry at you
for shamelessly
and so inaccurately
impersonating me.
Okay. Let me explain
something to you.
I am not pretending
to be you. Okay?
I was hired as a tour guide
for this house.
It's not your house anymore,
but people know you used
to live here,
so as part of the tour,
I dress as you
and I act like you.
Do you get it?
Well, I think
you are a disgrace,
and I won't have people
thinking I behave like you,
a common miscreant.
Hey! I am not a miscreant.
I don't think.
And can you just stay
the hell out of my room?
Oh, okay. Stay outta
my room too, please.
Oh... [chuckles]
Not you, Marcus.
I have a proposition for you.
If you insist
on pretending to be me,
for whatever reason
you have concocted
in your mad, syphilitic mind...
Oh, my God, for the last time,
I don't have syphilis.
Then I insist that
you do so properly,
with dignity and,
dare I say, respectably.
In other words,
will you allow me to teach you
how to act like a lady?
Oh, I am a lady!
Oh, fine. No. Don't disappear
into the floor or whatever.
Okay. I'll do it.
Just give me some space
and please, please stop
cock-blocking me.
Cock. Blocking?
Just... Just let me do me.
Do you?
Just... [scoffs]
...let me do some things that
are not necessarily ladylike
from time to time,
in my room.
All right. If you will
allow yourself to be taken
under my tutelage,
then I suppose I could look
the other way
if you would like to
occasionally indulge
in a second mint julep.
Thank you.
Or have a spot of morphine
or cocaine.
Geez, calm down.
Well, one never knows when one
will be taken by the vapors,
especially in this
powerful afternoon heat
of these Savannah summers.
Right. Right.
I think I'll be okay,
but thank you for the...
All right.
Well, then...
I suppose we have what
your gambling addicted customers
would refer to as a deal.
A deal, but only if you stop
referring to me as a prostitute.
I will indeed.
Thank you.
As long as you stop
behaving like one.
Yeah. I forgot my razor.
Now, the family portrait wall.
This is my Aunt Helena.
Uh, so this is
my Aunt Helena.
Whenever I would have guests
over to the manor,
I would make sure I was properly
dressed and, of course,
I would offer them tea and sex.
So, uh, anyway.
Right this way.
So a lady should walk
as though her entire body
is being lifted off the ground.
Like a marionette.
Like this.
Okay. Marionette.
is an art that a lady
should do well to master.
Diction is very important.
It's not funny, Hannah.
Say it. Without laughing.
I think I am getting it.
Oh, I can assure you
by any objective measure,
you are not.
[sighs] Who wants to walk like
a fucking marionette anyway?
After every bite of food,
a lady dabs her lips
with her napkin.
Even if there's no reason to?
Even if there is
no reason to.
But in this case, there is.
We have these things
called grocery stores
where you can literally just
pick up as much of this stuff
as you want.
you keep missing it.
It's actually worse.
It's worse than it was before.
Try this one. Ready?
To sit in solemn silence
on a dull, dark dock
in a pestilential prison
with a life-long lock,
awaiting the sensation
of a short, sharp shock
from a cheap and chippy chopper
on a big black block.
Oh, you gotta be fu--
[Lady Wadsworth] Careful. Hmm.
Oh, my God!
Thou shalt not take
the Lord's name in vain.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather!
Very good!
This is my cousin Mandy.
This is my cousin... Mandy?
She died. She fell off a horse
and broke her neck right in
front of my eyes. It was awful.
That's my mother.
Oh, this is my mother.
A lady is not,
under any circumstances,
to produce
nonverbal sounds. Hmm?
While in mixed company.
Do you mean like a fart?
Well, a lady would also not use
a crass term like... like fart.
But if you must
expel any naughtiness
from your nether regions,
you would excuse yourself
from whatever room you're in
to go be alone,
in another room.
uh, if you don't mind,
I'm going to test out
this method right now.
So, yeah.
Um, if you'll excuse me.
By all means.
Did you just come
into my room to fart?
Did somebody fart?
I think it was the floor.
Yeah. It's creaky.
Yeah, I smell it now. Yeah.
Mm. Huh.
Hmm. Hmm. Yeah.
It wasn't you?
How's the book?
It stinks.
What are you doing?
A lady arises promptly
to greet the morning.
Ugh. What time is it?
It's 6:00 a.m., and I apologize
for my tardiness.
Okay. Ten more minutes.
Ten more minutes.
No, Hannah.
It's time to wake up now.
Yoop, yoop, yoop, yoop!
Please shut the fuck--
[Lady Wadsworth blows]
Hey. We had a deal.
[Lady Wadsworth]
Force of habit. My apologies.
Thank you.
Enjoy your opium.
And it's weed. It's not opium.
[text message alerts chiming]
Happy anniversary,
Mr. and Mrs. Wadsworth.
We'd love to offer you
a complimentary bottle
of champagne.
Baby Yoda.
Tanner. Pic.
Make sure you tag me this time.
[Southern accent]
I'd like to thank you all
for coming to my home today.
And I wish you all
a lovely day.
Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you.
Lady Wadsworth. Look at you.
That was very impressive,
I must say.
I only saw the tail end of it,
but so good.
Oh, well,
that's very nice of you
to say, Professor Plumm.
Oh, please don't call me that.
Would you rather be called
Colonel Mustard?
Yeah. You know,
I would actually.
So what are you,
uh, doing here?
Uh, I'm the head of
the Savannah Historical Society.
We're cosponsoring this event
for Grayson Wadsworth
that's coming up here
in a couple days.
I was just picking up
contracts for that.
I'm so sorry.
I saw a dog, and I, like,
spaced out for a minute.
Actually, I just came by to see
if my favorite reenactress
wanted to hang-- hang out.
If you want. Or not.
Not a a big deal. Yeah.
I would.
I just, like-- I would feel
like I was cheating on
my new boyfriend.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know you had
a boyfriend. I'm sorry.
Yeah. I mean it's, like,
our status is kind of
up in the air right now.
I'm not good
at a lot of things,
but one thing I am good at
is reading people,
and I just have a feeling
it's about to get serious.
Oh. Uh...
It's gotta be like...
Of course. Of course.
Uh, well, I'm happy for you.
That's nice.
You deserve--
Thank you.
Uh, I'm gonna go.
Well, I'll see you--
I'll see you around.
-That's bullshit, by the way.
You're good at a lot of things.
I think.
Oh, thanks.
Did that boy finally muster
the courage to ask you out?
Oh, he mustered it.
Oh, thank God. I like him.
Yeah, I like him too.
Oh, I've been dying to talk
to someone about this.
I actually think
I'm falling for Tanner.
Don't say it.
Look, I know he comes across,
like, weird a little bit.
Like a little bit cool
and, like, douchey, but...
And he's also a little, um...
Married. Yeah, and, like--
Wait, married?
Married, like married
to his work?
No, like married to his wife.
I'm sorry, honey.
I thought you knew.
Hey, sweetie.
Tum-tum all better?
-Where were you?
-Sorry I was a little late.
Keeping a lady waiting is not
a gentlemanly thing to do.
[snickers] A lady?
Yeah. Don't you think
I'm a lady?
You're sexy when you're mad.
Are you married?
Yes, I am.
But before we get into that,
I think we need to talk
about your performance
the last few weeks.
What about it?
It hasn't been good.
So I'm afraid we're gonna
have to let you go.
You're firing me?
You were right.
You're just not
cut out for this.
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
You just fired me.
I fired you.
I didn't break up with you.
Let's make
your last night here
a special one.
So then he was like,
"We should fuck anyway."
And I was like, "Hmm, what?"
And he was like, "Yeah."
-And I was like, "I'm not
gonna go near your dick."
Sorry. It's Hannah.
Okay. Um, I have other customers
I have to take care of, so...
Here. Surprise!
It's fun to be a ghost.
Boy, what I wouldn't give
for a mint julep.
I miss my mortal lips.
What are you doing here?
I mean, how can you be here?
I can be anywhere I want to be,
even in this place
of ill repute. [sniffing]
So you've just been choosing
to be in the mansion
this whole time?
I have. And what of it?
I-- It's just...
-so boring.
Hannah, if you do not wish
to share in my company this
evening, please just say so.
I can see you are here with
a group of friends, of which
I am clearly not welcome.
Oh, no, these are just mine.
I'm-- I'm here alone.
I actually could use
some company.
Well, you must get yourself
to an apothecary immediately
for some leeches or you'll
risk death by alcohol!
No. I'm fine. I'm good.
I've got the tolerance
of a fat guy.
By the way, did you hear
I got fired tonight?
Hopefully the new "you" is
gonna be more to your liking.
-Why did the Pipkins fire you?
What error did you commit
to lose favor with them?
Why do you think
the Pipkins fired me?
Well, because
they own the house.
They... They do?
Don't be silly.
Of course, they do.
I left it to them.
Holy fucking shit.
Oh, there you are.
Before you say anything,
hear me out.
I need your help,
but not because
you're a man, okay?
-Because you're a nerd.
-Why are you so out of breath?
-Oh, my God.
I've been running around
this whole dumb place
looking for you.
-Well, I wasn't in my office.
-Tanner kicked me out.
-Oh. I'm so sorry.
-And I'm pretty sure
his relatives might have stolen
Wadsworth Manor
from Nia's relatives,
according to the ghost.
Anyway, I think I like her.
I think we might be friends.
And, like, it kinda sucks
nobody but me can see her.
Also, can I crash on the couch
in your office for a few days?
Please? And by the way,
why aren't you in your office?
Should I go, Dr. Plumm?
[Hannah] Oh, wow.
Dewey-- What?
I-- I mean,
I wasn't expecting that.
-Expecting what?
-I'm sorry, Dewey.
it kind of makes sense.
You know, look,
I know that I hurt you
and I'm really sorry,
but you moved on really fast.
Dewey, hold on one second.
Just give me a minute, okay?
[Hannah] Sorry, Dewey.
He's my student, idiot.
All right, look...
I mean, I get it, like...
What? Sorry, Dewey.
You can crash on the couch
for a day or two,
but I gotta start drawing
boundaries for myself, okay?
I can't help you out
any more than that.
Okay. I-- I understand.
I'm sorry. Hold on.
Ah! Gimme a break!
No, it's just
about the dumb tour
and the Wadsworths.
There's a whole worldwide
web of information.
What do they call it?
Well, they call it
the Internet, okay?
Oh. There's that bespectacled
gentleman caller of yours.
I fear he suffers
from consumption.
He does not look well.
No, he's just a nerd.
That's what they look like.
A nerd.
-Maxi-pad! Yoo-hoo!
-[man] Shh!
-I'm here by this computer.
-[man] Shh!
Who's shushing?
[whispering] What are you doing?
Why are you talking like that?
What do you mean?
It's a library. I'm whispering.
That's just as loud
as I was being!
-Sorry. Sorry.
-What are you even doing here?
Something that you wouldn't
know anything about.
It's literally what I do
for a living.
What books have you been
looking in?
Oh, yeah,
they have books here.
[sighs] Look, this is
not me helping you,
but you're gonna have
much better luck finding
anything from the 1800s
if you go
to the county courthouse.
That's where they
keep all that stuff.
Wills, deeds, everything.
Yeah, I know. We were
going to do that next.
But thank you.
Consumption. I told you.
Ma'am? Ms. Gunderson.
Can I help you?
Yes, you may.
Uh, I am a cold case attorney
from the firm, um...
Salt and Pepperstein.
And, um, I would like to
heretofore request the will
of one Elizabeth Wadsworth
from the year...
Best I can do is provide you
with a printout copy.
Uh, I'm not sure
if you heard me,
but I'm an attorney,
so, like, I'm gonna need
the original copy.
This is all public record.
Oh, is it?
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
That means you don't have
to pretend to be an attorney
to see them.
[printer whirring]
The records from that era
are no longer available.
They were converted
to digital years ago.
But this should suffice for
whatever your purposes are.
Just regular purposes.
Like nothing weird. Just...
[gasps] I don't believe it!
This document has been forged!
How do you know
it's been forged?
-[Lady Wadsworth]
That is not my signature!
I didn't do
my H's that way.
I put a squiggle with my W's.
And I would never
use a quill that thin.
And the ink I used is
so much thicker, Hannah.
I had the most
beautiful penmanship.
I simply do not understand why
my husband would have done this.
I was explicitly clear
that Wadsworth Manor,
my beloved father's home,
would be left
to the Pipkin family,
since I could not bear
children of my own.
Wait, so if you
couldn't bear children,
that means you're not even
related to Tanner?
I am not. After my death,
my husband remarried
and began a legacy of his own.
A legacy
that is thriving today.
I don't know
if I'd say "thriving."
He's a total dick.
You and that word "Dick."
It's a shortened version
of "Richard," yes?
I have known many, many Dicks
in my lifetime.
I don't understand why it took
you over 100 years to figure out
that he fucked you over.
Oh! That he screwed you over.
-Messed you over?
That's better.
You know, for a ghost,
your powers are pretty limited.
Aren't you supposed
to be, like, all-knowing
or whatever?
I just assumed my wishes
had been fulfilled.
Nia always seemed so in charge,
like her mother before her.
Okay. I have watched
enough cold case shows
to be able to figure this out.
The first thing they do
is they talk about what
they already know.
So, what do we already know?
-Wadsworth Manor has tours.
-You can write on a wall.
-I, Hannah,
worked there for awhile.
-Just wipe it right off.
You, Lady Wadsworth,
is a ghost with crappy powers.
That's hurting my feelings
a little bit.
"Crappy powers."
Oh. Anyone can get a will
from a courthouse.
Well, you have just broken
this case wide open.
Oh. Sarcasm.
I didn't think that was invented
until the 1900s.
You know, for such an anal lady,
you're actually pretty careless.
I don't know why you wouldn't
have made a duplicate copy
of the will or something.
Of course I made
a duplicate copy.
-Where is it?
-In a book in my bedroom.
Oh, my God! Why didn't
you tell me that?
We've wasted so much time
doing all this research!
Surely the duplicate would
have been discovered by now.
My crucial mistake was putting
it inside of such a wildly
popular work of literature.
Where did you put it,
in the Jesus book?
-The Bible?
The American Woman's Home
by Harriet Beecher Stowe.
Oh, my God. Did you
erase my lesson plan?
Look, I'm sorry to offend you,
but what we are doing
is so much more important
than your little lesson plan.
Oh, yeah. I can see that.
You know, if you're
not gonna help, I'm going
to kindly ask you to leave.
-This is my office.
-Oh, yeah.
Out of curiosity,
how much longer are you
planning on living here?
Hold that thought.
You don't happen to know
someone in the play department,
by any chance, do you?
And while I lived here,
I hosted...
I'm sorry, but the 12:00 tour
already started, Rabbi, but you
can come back for the 2:00.
[in deep voice] Uh, that's okay.
I have to snip a little boy's
wiener at that time,
so, uh,
I'll just go to this one.
[clears throat]
Uh, enjoy the tour.
[tour guide]
In fact, in a few days, this
lobby will once again host...
[gasps] Yes!
Thief! I must insist that you
vacate my bedroom at once!
[whispering] It's me.
Oh, my God.
It's Hannah, you idiot.
Oh, my word!
I found the will.
What kind of sorcery is this?
How have you come to
transform yourself so?
I got bit by a dog
that has rabbis.
Oh, you don't get it.
I get it. I just don't find it
to be humorous.
Oh, like you would know funny.
I thought it was against
the lady rules to even laugh.
It's against them
to indulge in laughter.
That's nuts. Laughter is such
a great part of life.
A little laughter is fine.
A touch of silliness.
I myself have been known to make
a silly face from time to time.
Really? Let's see it.
I want to see it. Come on.
That's it?
That's your silly face.
Oh, come on.
It's like this. It's not even--
Okay. Try this one.
How about this?
Oh, I couldn't possibly.
Come on.
I couldn't possibly!
You were going like this.
Try this one.
[Hannah laughing]
I'd love to hear
what's so funny.
What have you got there?
Oh, nothing.
Psst. Catch.
-[Tanner] Hello, police?
I'd like to report a break-in
at Wadsworth Manor.
Now we must remain calm,
so we can figure out how to
get another copy of that will
since your carelessness
destroyed it, along with my most
cherished book, I might add.
Oh, I destroyed it?
You're the one
who didn't catch it!
I cannot touch
material things of this world.
You know that!
Then how the fuck
were you planning
on reading the book again?
-Your language is...
-Is unladylike?
Guess what, Lizzie,
it's not 1875.
Ladies say "fuck"
and "shit" and "fart,"
and sometimes, gasp,
they actually do
fart and shit and fuck!
-At the same time?
-Time to catch up
to the 20th century.
It's the 21st century.
That's what I meant!
You always gotta be right,
don't you?
I'm just never good enough
or smart enough or...
fucking ladylike enough.
And I am so sick
of constantly being reminded.
Well, I am so sick
of having to remind!
You are so utterly careless
with your own affairs.
I was a fool to think
you could help me with mine,
as friends are wont to do.
Oh, we're not friends.
I never asked to be part
of your life. Or afterlife.
Or whatever the fuck this is.
Everything okay in here, ladies?
Uh, can I request a transfer?
Well, if that is the way
that you feel,
then I will not
bother you anymore.
I'm sorry I haunted you.
I'm sorry if I have
caused you any pain.
And I'm sorry for
any cock blockage
I may have put you through.
Oh, wait! Don't go!
I'm Jinx, by the way.
You got any extra meds
that I can get?
Hey, Rabbi.
You made bail.
I'm over here.
Actually, I think
I'm gonna walk.
I've got work to do.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Someone's gotta save
Wadsworth Manor.
You really care about her, huh?
What do you mean?
Lady Wadsworth. Remember,
it wasn't that long ago
we were trying to sage her
out of existence.
I care about Nia.
She deserves that house.
And I'm gonna make
damn sure she gets it.
It's, like, how the fuck
am I supposed to do this
by myself?
Like, who do I think I am?
Do you know who I am?
Do you? Huh? Like...
I was friends with a ghost,
like, an actual ghost,
and now it's like, like,
Tanner is such a dick!
You know, like, who cares?
Like, who cares?
Listen, I don't know what
the fuck you're talking about,
but here's the deal.
You're a smart,
confident woman,
who I fully believe
could do anything
she sets her mind to.
Now go do it.
-[whispers] Go.
-You're right.
I can do anything
you set my mind to.
Close enough.
I'm gonna make you proud!
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
You still have a tab here
for $279.
-How you want to settle that?
-Oh. What? Oh.
Yeah? 'Cause my friend
is, like, calling out to me.
No, I'll be right there! Sorry.
I-- I don't hear anything.
["Enough For Now" playing]
When I was alive,
I hosted a number of festive
galas and balls.
In fact, we may once again
play host to such an event.
And right over here, of course,
we have General Sherman's hat.
Maybe living
On another shore
Something different
That I'm living for
Or someone
Cover to cover
Never satisfied
I'm going under
I wanna go home
Won't never look back
Maybe I'll try
Maybe I'll die trying
To let this be enough
For now, for now, enough
Maybe I'll try
Maybe I'll die trying
To let this be enough
For now...
I'm over everyone
I stay home
Stay on the run
I go blind
When the visions come
I'm kept under
And there's no other life
There's no living
In another lie
There's nothing special
About you and I
We're on our own
Like everyone else
Maybe I'll try
Maybe I'll die trying
To let this be enough
For now, for now, enough
Maybe I'll try
Maybe I'll die trying
To let this be enough
For now...
[Max] You've been tidying up
in here, I see.
How's the investigation
going, Sherlock?
I would kindly thank you
not to patronize me.
You sound like
you're giving a tour.
I'm sorry.
Seriously, how is it going?
Not great. I just feel like
I'm missing something.
Oh, I got it! You're missing
your pipe and your hat.
Sherlock? Get it?
-Oh, my God!
-I'm sorry.
That was the last one, I swear.
No. The hat.
It's in the hat! Holy shit.
You're a genius!
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm-- I'm not following you.
Okay. It doesn't matter.
I will explain it to you
on the way.
On the way to where?
On the way to the fancy campaign
thing that you're hosting.
Come on!
That's not for another
four hours.
Come on, great. Well, that will
give us time to find costumes.
Welcome to Wadsworth Manor.
Damn it, Hannah.
If Tanner sees you,
he's gonna
flip his shit.
I know, but--
No! No! Sorry, freaks.
Not on the list.
Oh, well, actually, um,
I am Max Plumm, head of the
Savannah Historical Society
and keynote speaker for
the evening. Check your list.
We'll just get one of the other
history nerds to do it.
Babe, what the fuck?
You just left me there
talking to--
Oh, my God, stop.
I can't.
-You can't what?
-With what?
-I'm dead.
I cannot deal with your outfits.
-I'm obsessed.
-Oh. That's a good thing, right?
Well, it's a funny story.
Hannah used to work here
until she was let go.
Don't know if you care
to explain to your wife
the reason behind that.
[classical music playing]
[guests chattering]
I simply adore your costumes.
[in Southern accent]
Oh, I simply adore yours.
[in Southern accent]
Gertrude Armitage.
My ex-husband
went to school with Grayson.
Did he now?
This is my second husband.
This is Felix.
Oh, hello. Lady Wadsworth,
and this is my first husband...
Uh, Richmond Wadsworth.
She forgot my name.
Please forgive me.
I was already thinking of
who I would like my second
husband to be. Perhaps Felix.
Ooh! I'm gonna keep
you two apart.
[gasps] Grayson!
Felix, hello there.
You simply must meet
our charming new guests.
Well, charming, I'm afraid
I can't argue with,
but we are anything but new.
Yes, because we are dead.
I just love the fact
that you have decided to dress
as our beloved ancestors.
It's charming.
Simply charming.
And may I introduce my wife.
I'm charmed too.
The hem of your dress
is filthy.
Oh, and who is this
charming little rascal?
Don't mind Mother. She's not
of sound mind, I'm afraid.
Sounder mind than you,
Mother. Please.
If you'll excuse us,
I think she just may need
a breath of fresh air.
[Lydia] Yes.
Come along, Mama.
So nice catching up with you.
Is that the accent
you're going with?
No good?
It's awful.
It's so bad.
Your attention, please.
As most of you know,
my name is Edna Smythe.
Please. Save your applause
until the end.
Now, as vice chairwoman
of the SPS,
I feel fortunate to introduce
one of the earliest inhabitants
of this stunning domicile.
But before I do, I'd like to say
a few words about...
Just "Wadsworth."
Oh, my God.
"Oh, my God."
You gonna do my Airbnb joke?
I don't think so.
I think that's a mistake.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I'm gonna lose my job.
...of the glorious
historical legacy
of Savannah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Lord Richmond Wadsworth.
[in Southern accent] Thank you!
What a wonderful introduction.
Thank you kindly.
[clears throat]
It is an honor to be
back here for this
most auspicious occasion.
But it is not I to whom this
house owes its rightful place
among Savannah notoriety.
In 1865, General Sherman
and his troops,
while they held my wife hostage
at gunpoint,
and this is after they savagely
marauded and pillaged their way
across Georgia.
Too bad they didn't
just use Airbnb.
So now, may I present
my lovely wife,
Lady Elizabeth Wadsworth.
-[clears throat]
-Oh, shit.
[Hannah in Southern accent]
Thank you kind citizens
of Savannah.
I'd like to thank my husband
for that kind introduction,
even though,
truth be told, he wasn't
always the kindest husband.
For one thing, he murdered me.
[guests gasping]
What did she say?
What I said was
your relative murdered me.
I'm pretty sure he did, anyway.
Uh, but I am definitely sure
of one thing.
This house, known
as Wadsworth Manor,
was, in fact, not left
to the Wadsworths at all.
It was left to
the family of my friend,
Josephine Pipkin.
-[guests gasp]
-Oh, snap.
Dear? Whatever is
she talking about?
Okay, enough! This is crazy.
I know this lady,
and she's no lady!
There are cameras
everywhere, idiot.
Don't do something stupid.
I recently came into possession
of the original will-- my will--
which I found had been doctored.
that will was destroyed
because of a clumsy
miscalculation on my part.
I tried to, uh--
It's a long story.
It's not important.
But I do have here my diary.
Here. My diary--
Jesus Christ.
Which can easily
be authenticated.
"The hat. Now my hat, once
a symbol of Southern aggression,
I hereby proclaim anew as
a symbol of Southern hospitality
and fellowship to all persons
be they rich or poor,
white or black.
And I further declare
whosoever possesses this hat
to be the rightful owner
of the manor in which
it should forever rest."
-My dear, my dear, my dear.
I do admire your dedication
to this matter.
-[Hannah] Thank you.
-But that hat has been
in the possession
of my family
for generations now.
So, if we could get on
with the festivities.
Marcus, would you escort
the young lady from the stage
please. Madam?
-[Hannah] Just one minute, sir.
-Marcus! Do your job!
Wait! Wait! I can explain!
Nia. Nia Pipkin,
will you please come up here?
Now, Nia, what did
your great-great-lots-
always sew in everything
that she owned?
Her initials.
-Her initials.
Josephine Zelda--
it is not just the name of
a legendary video game, sir--
-What is she talking about?
-Pipkin. JZP.
Sewn into every dress,
every pair of socks
and every hat that she owned.
Darling, your cane?
-You sure about this?
[clears throat]
Everybody, please stand back.
[wheelchair beeping]
And the truth shall
reveal itself.
[all gasping]
[woman whispers]
What is she doing?
Okay. I'm just gonna-- just--
Uh... Okay. Oh, God.
[whispering indistinctly]
Oh, my God.
All right.
Sorry about that. [laughs]
As I said, the truth
shall reveal itself.
Show me "JZP."
-Exciting, wasn't it?
Very exciting.
-That was a wonderful
performance. Just wonderful.
-Okay. Let's go, psycho.
-Come on.
-I don't get the big deal
with that ugly old hat.
It used to be filthy.
Like your dress.
What do you mean
"it used to be filthy"?
It used to be filthy, yes,
until I took it
and had it cleaned
and had the old lining
[gasps] JZP!
Marcus, do your fucking job
and get her outta here.
I don't think
I work for you anymore.
What about the murder?
Oh, right. Oh, my God.
The-- The murder. Uh, yes.
Because I, Elizabeth,
was unable to bear children,
my husband became
increasingly agitated.
In fact, he became very abusive
and, in short, he was quite a...
How would you say?
Kind of a...
Ah, yes, thank you. A dick.
[women laugh]
"I fear Richmond, perhaps
in an intoxicated state,
of which he is increasingly
prone to being in,
may come to do me harm."
That was one of the lady's
last diary entries.
She died one week later
of injuries sustained
from a fall, you guys.
Oh, friends, ladies
and gentlemen, please, please.
Tonight marks the launch
of my campaign for mayor
of Savannah.
And as mayor,
one of my chief goals
is to promote justice
for all of Savannah's citizens.
In light of the information
and evidence presented here
I do hereby bequeath
this house...
Did he just say "queef"?
...and all the contents herein
to its rightful heirs,
and my dear friends,
-Nia and Marcus Pipkin.
-This is retarded bullshit!
So ladies and gentlemen,
would you all kindly raise your
glasses and join me in a toast.
To Pipkin Manor.
Mama, drinks in the bar.
[wheelchair beeps]
[mouths words]
She's gone?
It's a good thing.
Thanks to you,
she's not stuck here anymore.
And thanks to you.
How's everybody doing today?
Everyone all right?
Oh, shit. Oh, I overslept.
[groans] Come on.
Five more minutes.
Oh, I would love to,
but I can't.
Five minutes. Four minutes.
[giggling continues]
Knock 'em dead, Lady.
[Nia] Yeah, no problem.
My brother will reach out
to you. Thank you.
Nia, I'm so sorry.
We forgot to set the alarm.
Girl, you're fine.
Have a fun tour.
Thank you!
Well, the lady should be here
any minute now.
[door opens]
Oh! And here she is now.
[in Southern accent]
Thank you, Lord Pipkin.
I am your humble hostess,
Lady Elizabeth Daubmire.
I'd like to welcome you
to Pipkin Manor.
Today you'll learn
a bit about me,
but mostly I'll be telling you
about this beautiful manor
and why it is
so very, very special.
So, today's tour will begin
where all good home tours
should begin--
-in the bar room.
Usually I like to wait
until the sun has dipped below
the banyan tree in our backyard
before I have
my afternoon mint julep, but...
since-- since y'all are here...
why don't you go on ahead
with Lord Pipkin, and, uh,
I'll see you in the lobby.
Well, come on, friends.
Come on in. Don't push.
There you go.
Welcome to my home.
I'm so proud of you.
Wow! What are you doing here?
I just wanted to say hello.
It was my house, after all.
I don't quite know
how to say this,
but you don't have to be here.
Like, I'm good.
Looking for Hannah Daniels.
Okay. I'm Hannah Daniels.
Can I help you, Officers?
Ma'am, you are under arrest
for violating the Georgia
penal code 147-b.
-What? What even is that?
-Public flatulence?
Failure to register as
a sex offender within 30 days.
Oh, Hannah.
Oh, that's real?
haven't I taught you
that a lady never
offends sexually?
I didn't. Shit.
Okay, y'all.
Let's go on inside.
[Lady Wadsworth]
I'll be here when you get back!
Bye, Hannah!
You don't need to be
in character anymore.
You already told me you're 19.
[man] "Tons of pubes."
[boy] I have tons of pubes,
by the way.
[all laughing]
I don't like this kid.
[woman] You're laughing.
Cubed is my favorite way
to eat meat.
I have a great
teeth whitening team
if you want to borrow them.
It's more than one guy?
Yeah, it's a team.
Well, all right.
That's bullshit,
by the way.
You're good at
a lot of things. I think.
[car alarm beeping]
Oh. [laughs]
[Long] Yeah.
You're messing this up.
What's a good
dildo shake position?
Keep in mind this is
gonna be my Oscar clip, so...
Yeah. "For your consideration."
We want it-- Yeah.
She's gone?
Well, most of her is gone.
But it's good. It's nice.
It's good. You know,
she's not stuck anymore.
She's not all pent up anymore.
She's been relieved.
[laughs] Just go away.
I've cracked the code.
And I've changed your flight.
You'll now take off
at 4:00 p.m.
You'll connect in Dallas.
What the fuck is your problem?
What's your problem?
Sorry. We're so close.
What do you mean?
What's your problem?
Look, my uncle's friends
with the DA. I talked to him.
They're dropping
all the charges.
No, they're not. Sorry.
Yeah, I think so.
Maybe a little bounce.
This would be fun.
Who is this man?
Well, if you must create wind
from either the front
or the back...
If you must...
If you must...
This is not me
helping you, but you--
Would you stop?
Oh, what?
I'm acting in the scene.
So good.
I'm sorry.
You and that word "Dick."
Sorry. It's my fault.
I guess I'll get
a fresh squeezed tangerine
juice. Uh, but no pulp.
I guess I'll just have
a Cajun-spice Bloody Mary,
but don't crowd it up
with all those celery stalks
and bullshit.
I guess I'll just take
a green tea matcha latte,
but with cow milk!
None of that vegan bullshit.
Then I'll just get a mint
chocolate-chip milkshake,
but no chips.
Then I'm getting
a bikini wax at 3:00.
Well, thank God.
I had a whisker rash
for four days.
I wasn't able to do
Brian, can you start closer
to this camera?
I guess that'll
never make the cut.
I don't think so.