Laid in America (2016) Movie Script
Find a good hiding place.
Good job, boys.
Eye contact is very important
when trying to seduce your partner.
It's the most overlooked step by virgins,
so remember this for your first time.
Yeah, yeah, we get it.
Look at them
before you fuck their brains out.
Now, can we move on to the sex positions?
'Cause that's what I paid $80 for.
Actually, that's what I paid $80 for.
Yeah, don't worry, Jack.
I'll pay you back, I'll pay you back.
You boys can figure this out later.
Right now, I want you to pretend
that Bailey is a girl from class
that you brought home to your room.
Show me how you would seduce her.
Jack, you go first.
Hey. Hey there, Bailey.
Um, how was school for you today?
For me, it was okay.
I had a stomach ache, though.
But the nurse just said I ate too much.
What are you doing?
Take off your shirt already.
Come on.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry my chest is so smooth.
I can't grow any chest hair.
She's losing interest
and is about to call for a ride home.
What are you gonna do to make her stay?
Come on, you've got this, you've got this.
Oh, my fucking God.
Okay, Jack, that's enough.
Not one girl is gonna wanna sleep with you
with that lack of confidence.
You need to work on that.
Duncan, your turn.
- Good luck.
- I don't need luck.
Scarlett, play some music.
That's a nice touch.
Hey, little sexy.
Whoo!
Yeah, yeah, you like what you see?
Do you like that?
Whoo!
Wait, why were you wearing those?
Wow.
"Oh, my God, it's so big."
I know.
You ever been fucked
by a British boy before?
Huh? Huh? Yeah!
Yeah!
Uh, Duncan, that's a little aggressive.
Not all the girls get into it that quickly.
Scarlett, look at me!
I am the captain now.
Jack, get over here!
Show Bailey a good time.
Oh!
Wait. Don't you think
this is a little weird?
Jack, we're best friends, nothing is weird.
Okay, my time's up here, boys. Sorry.
Oh! Oh, God, I'm getting close.
What?
Happy last day in America.
Ah!
Did you just come?
Good morning, Glenbrook High School!
Well, I hope everyone's excited
for summer break.
I know I sure am.
Okay, make sure everyone
returns their books to the library...
Hey, guys, so this is
the ghost chili challenge.
Now, see, I put it...
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Your new video is terrible.
It only takes one video to go viral.
- Fuck!
- Oh.
And here to read this year's
final morning announcements
is the captain of the football team,
Tucker Jones.
Yo, yo, yo. What's goin' on, everyone?
Tucker Jones on the mike.
Today's lunch is meatloaf
with mashed potatoes,
and if you're a vegan
for whatever stupid reason, it's salad.
Also, I just wanna address the rumor
that's been going on about me.
Yes, I did hook up with Jaclyn Wasinowski,
and, yes, she does have herpes,
but I did not contract it.
- Tucker!
- Marsha, I'm okay, all right? Relax.
Just stick to the paper.
Marsha, calm your tits.
Also, I just wanna
remind everyone that tonight,
I am having the sickest
end-of-the-year party
celebrating my cat, Mr. Pickles,
hitting 10 million subscribers on YouTube.
Yeah. All girls welcome,
guys gotta be on my VIP list.
Okay, thank you, Tucker.
And that's how it's done, bitches.
Pussy-ass dick holes.
Did you get invited to his party?
- No, did you?
- No.
Have a great summer,
and well see y'all next fall.
Principal Raheem will see you boys now.
Sorry. Mrs. Cole said to come in.
Have a seat, boys.
I'm trying to finish something here.
Who the fuck told me this was easy?
Uh, Principal Raheem, what are you doing?
I'm playing a virtual reality game.
It's called Shit Swipe. It's very addicting.
You have to grab these little turds
and move them around so they match,
and it's really fucking difficult.
No. No, no. What's happening? Move.
It's frozen!
Fuck!
Stupid shit of a game!
Fucking stupid shit of a fucking game.
So, I hope you guys enjoyed
your stay in the States.
Did you get a chance to do some fun things?
Like going to Disneyland?
Yeah, we went.
Um, it was great.
A lot of kids, though.
And fat people.
Well, this is America, you know.
Did you go to any baseball games?
I didn't really know what was going on.
So I just cheered
when everyone else cheered.
So many fat people.
Yeah, but what about the ladies?
Did you get a chance
to experience any American girls?
No girls? Not even fat girls?
Nope.
I haven't had sex with one girl
since I've been here,
and I just know all my friends
are gonna just call me a "wankstain virgin"
when I get back.
You're a virgin, too, aren't you, Jack?
I don't think we need to talk about that.
So you're telling me that
we have two foreign boys
who are both virgins?
Oh, I shouldn't laugh because,
you know, it wasn't easy
for me either with the girls.
When I came from India,
I would only find work
as a street performer
on Hollywood Boulevard.
I would play Wolverine,
Michael Jackson, Frog Boy.
You know, anything to make a few bucks
until I got my big break
and I became a high school principal.
Then, poof, all hell broke loose.
I couldn't keep the girls away, like flies.
I said, "Back off, bitches.
"Where were you
when I was Michael Jackson?"
Wait, how did anyone think
you were Michael Jackson?
And what's Frog Boy?
Wouldn't you like to know.
What I'm trying to say is that
if you can't get laid in America,
you can't get laid anywhere.
And if you're lucky like me,
you can go home to this every night.
Pretty sexy, eh?
I am watching you.
Don't get any ideas.
Shalonda is all mine.
And she is very good with her hands.
Anyway, enough of the cock teasing.
Here we go.
Here are your foreign exchange certificates,
and good luck to you, boys.
I hope I have been an inspiration.
Thank you.
Okay.
I hope you're de-virginized
when I see you next.
Send me a card.
Marsha, get that troublemaker Billy Franco
to come and take back his Shit Swipe game.
It's fuckin' broken.
Dude, I gotta get laid tonight,
just, somehow.
Good luck.
Hiring a prostitute doesn't count.
I'm not going to hire a prostitute,
but you know what?
I'm not gonna rule anything out.
Jack?
Hey, Jack.
Hey. Hey, Kaylee.
Thank you so much for letting me
cheat off your test yesterday.
- I got a B.
- That's great.
Okay, well, see you, bro.
Uh, what are your plans for tonight?
Um, tonight's my last night in the States.
What? Oh, my God.
I can't believe it's your last night
and we never got to hang out.
I didn't think you knew I existed.
Yeah, you're that cute British kid.
I'm South African, but I could be British.
Well, Mr. South Africa,
are you going to Tucker's party tonight?
I want to go.
Oh, my God. You have to go.
We have to make your last night here
a night to remember.
What?
Let me see your phone.
Okay, there's my number.
Text me so we can meet up tonight?
- Maybe we can even...
- Have sex.
I mean, that's what I plan on doing tonight.
Get off me, and I hope
you're talking about someone else,
because we broke up, remember?
Whatever, you'll come back.
- They always come back.
- Definitely not.
You look like you're 12 years old,
you know that?
- Okay.
- Why don't you lift something, bro?
Your arms look like ramen noodles.
I could slurp you.
Tucker, stop.
You wanna go, bro?
Saved by the bell.
Little bitch.
Hey, would you at least walk me to class,
just one more time, please?
Come on.
Okay, fine. But don't put your arm
around me.
I wasn't going to. Don't yell at me.
- See you tonight, Jack.
- I'll put it in my schedule.
Fuck you, Jack.
My sweet, sweet Kaylee.
What?
Nothing.
# Just leave me alone
# Meow
# In the dark, I wanna cringe
# I miss you so much
# In the dark, I wanna #
Oh...
Fuck.
That song was dedicated to
my cat, Sprinkles.
She was my best friend.
Okay, let's hear
what you're passionate about
with your final performance.
Duncan, you're up first.
Go get 'em.
Um, my final song is called,
Fuck What My Friends Say,
I'm Good at FIFA.
# It's FIFA time
So I'ma make you all my bitch
# So shut the fuck up
Or I'll put you in a ditch
# I play online, I win online
That's how I roll
# 'Cause I never lose a game
You think I suck? Hell, no
# I got a big dick
I know you're fucking jealous
# I'm a FIFA don, like in Goodfellas
# Haters getting mad
# But I'm the one with lows
# So if you're hating
You can go and suck my balls #
Stop.
Duncan, I really want you
to hit that note right there.
You're at the climax of the chorus
and everyone needs to feel that passion.
So do it again.
At the balls?
The balls.
# To all my haters
You can go and suck my balls
# Suck my balls
Like that.
- You want me to sing it?
- Yes.
# Suck my balls
# Suck my balls, suck my balls
# Suck my balls #
You did it.
Bring it in, homie.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Everyone, give it up for Duncan.
A plus, plus, plus. Whoo!
And that, everyone, is how
you take direction
and turn it into perfection.
Now, another song about
one of my other cats, Chip.
Yo, your pitch was a little off,
but the song was pretty sick, I guess.
- Thanks, man.
- Shut up.
Duncan.
Hey, Tucker.
Can Jack and I come to your party tonight?
No, fuck no, all right?
My place is gonna be crawling with hotties.
I don't need two foreign losers
coming and killing the vibe.
So shut up and turn around.
Duncan.
Hey, Tucker?
What?
It's our last night, man.
And it would really mean a lot.
Besides, I'm really trying to get laid.
All right, look, the only way
you guys are getting into my party
is if you bring two girls with you.
Okay.
Hot girls.
Okay.
And not from this school, all right?
I wanna meet some new baes.
Okay.
Make sure they're hot
or you're not getting in.
They're gonna be so fucking hot.
Why would you promise Tucker
we could bring two hot girls?
Because that's the only way
we're getting into his party tonight.
But we don't know any girls,
especially hot ones.
Yo, I just got you past the VIP list
so you can see Kaylee tonight, all right?
The least you can say is, "Thank you."
But if I arrive at the party
with another girl,
there's no way Kaylee's gonna talk to me.
Listen to me, okay?
If you want to have any chance
of seeing your lover tonight
and getting laid,
then you need to help me find
hot girls for this party.
Then, once we're inside,
you can go and see Kaylee.
Come on, bro, do you want to remember this
as the night
that you went to bed at 9:00 p.m.
or the night that you went after Kaylee?
Fine. I'm in.
Yes, my nigga.
Beth, your parents found
this disturbing drawing in your room,
and it concerns me.
Do you want to explain this?
That's me burning my entire house
with everything inside it,
including my parents.
That's what we're talking about.
My wife gave birth to a little demon.
Oh, now this is my fault?
Let's just try to focus on the positives.
As horrific as this image is,
your daughter is a pretty talented artist,
and you should encourage her
to explore her abilities.
She drew a picture of herself murdering us.
Maybe you should've gotten me that iPad
for my birthday.
Uh, Beth, blackmailing your parents
with death threats is not appropriate.
Ugh, nobody gets me!
Why do you have to talk to her like that?
I enjoy it.
Boys.
How does it feel to be done
with high school?
It pretty much feels the same.
Lisa and I would like to take you to Chef
Nelson's Crab Shack tonight for dinner.
Well, and Beth, too.
- Yeah, you shouldn't leave her alone.
- What?
- Uh...
- We...
We kinda have a party tonight.
Oh, my God.
Did you get invited
to Tucker's YouTube party?
Yeah.
Wait, how do you know about that?
Oh, yeah, well, you know,
me and some of the moms,
we have a FaceChat group at the school
where we get together and chat and gossip.
So, Jack, there's a rumor going around that
you have a thing for that Kaylee girl?
Wait. People know I like her?
Oh, my God, yes.
We talk about it all the time.
Ben's mom, Jill's mom,
they're kind of obsessed with you.
You're, like, their favorite couple.
We're, like, rooting for you.
Actually, it is pretty obvious, dude.
Yeah.
Well, you can go to dinner
tonight before, right?
Come on, it's Chef Nelson's.
Best octopus and eight-course meals.
Oh, my God, honey,
they don't wanna eat your stupid octopus.
They've got a huge party tonight
to get ready for.
Tonight's kind of a big night
for you guys, huh?
All right, go do your thing.
- All right.
- Thank you.
But you know what? You have early flights
in the morning, so don't stay out too late.
We won't.
Those are some good boys.
They're just the best.
All my friends fucked girls
when they studied here,
I'm gonna be the pussy of the group.
Oh, man. We gotta find some girls, man.
Why don't you ask Tabitha
to come to the party?
She totally wants your willy.
Tabitha is a complete BLOB.
What's a BLOB?
You know the girl that
you'd never have sex with,
but when the night is coming to an end
and you run out of options,
you start to consider her,
and God, pretty much it's a...
Basic Last Option Bae. BLOB.
You've never had sex.
Yeah, but I've thought about it,
and, oh, no, no, she's definitely a BLOB.
Kaylee gave me her number today.
How long do you think I should wait
before I text her?
I don't know, three hours?
Too late, I already sent it.
Well, let's pretend Kaylee doesn't exist
for two seconds.
Where would you go to find hot girls?
I told you, why don't you bring
the BLOB and one of her friends?
But Tucker said they can't be
from our school, remember?
How are we supposed to do that?
It's your brother.
- What's up, nigga?
- Freddie, my nigga.
- Will you look at this nigga?
- What the fuck are you doing?
Whoa! You can't say that, bro.
I'm really sorry about that.
That came out racist.
- I'm not racist.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
I have black friends.
I'm picking you up from the airport tomorrow
'cause Mom and Dad are busy.
All right, that's great,
but something more important has come up.
Pretty much, we need to find hot girls
for this party tonight.
Got any ideas?
Looks like the virgin needs help
from his younger brother.
You wish I was a virgin,
'cause then I'd fuck you
and lose my virginity, bitch.
What?
I'm two years younger than you
and I've already had sex with three girls.
Where did you meet these girls?
I used this new blind dating app
called Blindr.
A blind dating app?
That just sounds stupid, Freddie.
Check it out. I just sent you a link.
Having trouble meeting girls?
Do you do better with girls
when they don't know what you look like?
Then Blindr is just what you need.
It's so simple.
Just enter your information
into your profile
and start blinding away.
- With its new patented...
- Pretty sick, right?
Shut up, Freddie! I can't hear.
Here's what a real-life couple
has to say about Blindr.
Before, girls wouldn't even look at me.
But now, with Blindr,
I let my personality shine through
and I found my soulmate.
It's true.
I wouldn't have even talked to
a guy like Lance several months ago.
I mean, look at him.
But thanks to Blindr,
I've been seduced by his mind.
Thanks, Blindr.
We can do this.
You can even use our double date option
to score a double blind date.
Yes.
Download the app for free and get blinding.
Because you know what they say,
true love is blind.
- Sorry, Freddie, gotta go.
- Uh...
This is perfect. Let's do it.
I'm not into meeting people online.
That's creepy.
Come on, man,
that's how everyone meets people nowadays.
Besides, we're not
actually dating these girls.
We're just gonna
take them to the party with us,
and then we're in.
Come on, Jack.
If you're not feeling it once we get there,
then we can easily just leave.
It's Kaylee.
"Hey, Jack, what time
are you going to the party tonight?"
Why don't you tell her,
"Sorry, I can't make it tonight
"because I'm too much of a pussy
"to go meet some girls
on a blind dating app."
- Let's do it.
- Yes! Yes!
Downloading now.
Okay.
Yeah, it takes a while.
Okay, we're in.
All right, double date and name.
Duncan and Jack.
No, we can't use our real names.
Why not? We're leaving
the country tomorrow.
People can stalk you.
Okay, fine, I'm keeping my name.
What do you want your name to be?
Thor.
I've always wanted lo be called Thor.
Thor is a pretty fucking cool name.
All right, I am changing mine as well.
I told you.
Petrie.
- Petrie?
- Petrie and Thor it is.
- Nice.
- Okay, income.
What's the highest you can put?
Uh...
- Over $500,000 a year.
- Put that.
The more money we appear to have,
the hotter girls we'll get.
Jack, this is why I love you.
Oh, my God.
Thor and Petrie, high rollers.
There is no way we're not gonna land
the hottest girls on Blindr
with this description.
It's... It's foolproof.
Let's start swiping now.
Yes, yes, yes, yes...
So, what are you looking for
when you say yes?
Pretty much, it's just a numbers game.
Yes, yes, yes. No one ever says no...
It's a match.
We got a match!
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
Wait, wait, what does their description say?
Uh, Amber and Violet,
two hot girls that will rock your world.
- This is amazing.
- New message.
Oh, my God! They...
Oh, my God. They messaged us.
"You seem like
just the guys we are looking for.
"Can you meet us for dinner tonight?"
New picture message.
Holy shit!
They're hot. Look.
Tell them yes! Tell them yes!
Uh, yes. Where at and what time?
I can't believe this is working.
New message.
"Michael J's Diner in 30 minutes."
I have no idea where that is.
Yeah. See you there.
Wait, now that they think we're rich,
what are we gonna wear?
Rich people don't wear this.
Don't worry, I've got us covered.
Wait. How are we gonna get there?
- Shall I call an Uber?
- No, we'll call a Boober.
Your outfits are pretty cool.
Why didn't you think of Boober
when we were thinking of ideas?
I've never used it before.
I didn't know it was like this.
Hey, would you two fine ladies
want to go to a party tonight?
Sorry, we're not allowed to
go anywhere with customers.
I mean, it's only for a couple of minutes,
and then you can just leave.
They're not interested.
And no filming inside the Boober.
Maybe that's the one that goes viral.
You never know.
That's why you always gotta be filming.
Here are your complimentary
Boober condoms.
Have you guys ever tried
ultra-thin condoms before?
We've never had sex before.
What my friend means is that
we've had plenty of sex.
It's just... We don't like using condoms.
Okay, condoms prevent 99% of STDs.
- Give me one.
- I'll look after these, you'll lose yours.
Good idea.
- Michael J's Diner, right?
- Yeah.
- All right, we're here.
- Thanks for riding with Boober!
Michael J's Diner, where dreams come true.
Are we sure we're in the right place?
Yeah, I'm not sure about anything any more.
Are you Thor and Petrie?
Hello.
Hi, I'm Thor.
Oh...
- And I'm Petrie.
- Oh...
Hi, I'm Amber.
So, Thur and Petrie?
Those names sound kinda fake.
I'm fucking with you.
I want to apologize for my friend Violet,
she's running a bit late.
But, I promise, as soon as she gets here...
...you guys are gonna love her.
She's, like, really hot.
I'm sure she's not as beautiful as you.
Petrie, you are such a sweetheart.
- So, tell me... Oh...
- You're such a...
- You go ahead.
- Oh, no. Please, you go.
You're such a sweetheart, too.
Aw, thank you.
So tell me about yourselves.
Um, well, I'm from the British
royal family, adopted,
and I'm here for
a really important business meeting.
What kind of business?
Oil.
And what do you do at oil?
I'm the president.
I thought only Arabs were into oil.
- I'm fucking with you again.
- Stop that.
Y'all need to relax, okay? Shake it off.
So, what about you, Thor? What do you do?
I own a video games company.
- Make video games.
- Oh, that's hot.
Uh, but it's ironic
because he sucks at video games.
No, I don't.
Dude, I destroy you at every video game.
What are you doing?
Well, I'm gonna go get us some drinks, okay?
Be right back.
So, clearly, Amber is mine.
But you can have her friend
when she shows up.
I'm not sleeping with
any of these girls tonight.
I'm a faithful man.
Fine, I'll fuck both of them. Threesome.
You haven't had sex with a girl in 18 years.
What makes you think tonight
you're gonna fuck two?
Oh...
I think she's on the phone
to her friend right now.
Yeah, it's perfect.
They're a couple of rich losers.
You got the car running?
Great, this shouldn't take long.
Yeah? 20 million? No, I want 30.
I know the freaking Queen, okay?
That sounds great.
Deal. I gotta go. See you in a bit.
Sorry, I had a really
important business call.
It sounded important.
Here you go.
What should we toast to?
Let's toast to you and Violet
going to a party tonight,
with us, after dinner.
Is that an invite?
Y... Yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
What do you think, girl, you wanna go?
Mmm, I don't know. What do you think?
I don't know.
We would love to come.
To a great night.
To a great night.
Come on. Up, up, up, up, up, up.
Mmm-mmm.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Yeah.
That's really good.
I drank way more than you.
Yo, this is fucked.
Uh-oh!
Night-night.
Why aren't they waking up?
I don't know, Goose. They're your drugs.
You used the right amount?
Yeah, I used exactly how much
you told me to.
'Cause the last time I used this drug,
they weren't passed out for this long.
Okay.
Are you sure they're rich?
Yeah, their profiles said they were.
One of them's
president of an oil company, so...
No, they look like
they're from high school, you know.
This one looks like
he has no hair down below, you know.
This soft white guy with a tight cheek.
Very tight cheek, don't you?
Yeah, you do.
Hey, little boy, how are you?
This black guy right here
wants to play games
with Daddy, huh? For me.
Are they even alive?
Shh...
That seemed to work. Yeah.
Duncan?
Okay. Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Shut the fuck up. Okay?
What do you want from us?
All right. Listen here, little boy, okay?
I'm gonna be asking the questions and you
guys are gonna be giving the answers.
Jung-Hoon! Can you keep it down?
I'm trying to watch Ellen.
Mom, I'm busy, okay? Stop interrupting us.
Okay, sweetheart. I love you.
I love you, too.
Amber tells me that you guys are rich, huh?
No, we're not rich at all.
Oh, you're not rich at all?
Then how come I got this off your neck,
giant talking black homeboy?
Drinking the juice in the hood, yeah?
Fuck, man, that's fake.
Shit, man, we're poor as shit.
Man, we're still in high school.
Liars, you told me
you're president of an oil company
and you said you create video games.
We made that up to impress you.
Amber, you dumb-dumb. You're a dumb-dumb.
Baby, they're lying.
You saw them, they pulled up
in some fancy-ass limo
at the restaurant, right?
You betrayed us, Amber. How could you?
And where the fuck is Violet, huh?
Does she even exist?
This is what happens
when you send a woman to do a man's job.
You know what I'm saying?
A man? Oh, yeah, you think you're a man?
Yeah, a man doesn't send
his girlfriend of three years
to go kidnap some kids
because he is too much of a pussy
to do it himself.
Excuse me for a moment.
I'll be right back.
What are you doing?
Yeah, I don't know. What am I doing?
Okay, I'm wasting my life with some
out-of-shape, wannabe-gangster loser.
The reason why
I'm out of shape is I'm out there,
trying to provide for you, okay?
I don't have time to go
to the gym, all right?
I'm genetically fat.
Fuck you, Goose. You don't provide shit.
You're 37, and you still
live at home with your mom.
Honey, dinner's ready.
I'm not hungry, Mom.
Are you sure? I made kimchi stir-fry.
Your favorite.
Oh, you did?
- Help us.
- Don't say another fucking word.
Mama, what are you doing down here?
Oh, honey, I didn't know
you had friends over.
How rude of me.
Your friends should join us for dinner.
No, thanks, Mom,
because we're rehearsing
with our new boy band
and the black guy is the lead singer.
He is very good.
I'm tired of always eating alone.
What if I die tomorrow?
Then you will feel guilty
for the rest of your life.
If you and your friends
don't join me for dinner,
you're going to have to start paying rent.
You guys hungry?
You scared?
You boys will love
my famous kimchi stir-fry.
Thank you, Mrs. Pak.
Sure, dig in.
Mmm. Yum...
Who's Kaylee?
She keeps texting one of you guys.
It's really beginning to piss me off.
You leave her out of this.
Oh...
- How do you boys know Jung-Hoon?
- Yeah.
I mean, Goose.
Goose, Goose.
Mom, I'm creating a new app
and these guys are my new investors.
Oh, I didn't Know you were
working on a new app.
What is this one about?
It shows the nearest street corner
where you can get drugs from.
It's called Dealer.
There's nothing out there like it.
Supposedly, it's gonna
make us millionaires, so...
If you need money, just sell your watch.
It's a piece of junk anyway.
Mom, this watch give me
major street credibility, okay?
I cannot create an app
without street cred, okay, Ma?
You know what?
This Dealer app of yours,
it sounds a bit shady.
How is it legal to assist
in the purchasing of drugs?
There's nothing illegal about it, okay?
Amber did research, okay?
Everything is good.
- I googled.
- She googled.
Well, can't the police just use that
to find drug dealers?
That's not how it work, okay?
Hey, why so many questions?
Well, if I'm going to be
an "investor" in your app,
then, surely, I need to make sure
it's worth my money.
Oh, you getting aggressive, I like it.
Shut up, Duncan.
I like this white boy.
He's soft like Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone.
Do the... Oh!
Hey...
I'm not gay,
but I'd do you.
You always say that.
You tell a guy you'd fuck him,
but that you're not gay.
I know. I'm not gay, it's experimental.
Oh, hey, look, Kaylee calling.
Hey, Britain, you don't think
I can do a British accent?
- I show you.
- Oh, great.
I practice, ha. Wait.
Hello. Oh.
Jack, I texted you the address.
1212 Rose Avenue.
Let me check. Yeah, I got it.
Kaylee.
Okay. Cool.
I can't wait for you to see
what I'm wearing tonight.
I think you'll like it.
Oh, that sounds bloody great. Cheers.
And one last thing.
Kaylee, go fuck yourself, you bitch.
- What?
- How could you say that?
Oh, you gonna cry?
Huh?
Hey, Mom, I have
to cut dinner a little short.
I have some business to take care of.
Okay.
Hey, black guy, fudgy face.
Stand up, you coming with me.
Stand up!
- He means you.
- Get up.
Don't cry, Twilight vampire.
Remember Twilight?
The vampire. White guy like that.
Get in there.
Little bitch.
Listen up, jackass, okay?
You gonna put in
your PIN number at the ATM.
I'm gonna pull out the money,
and then you're gonna act like
there's nothing wrong.
Good plan, right?
Do not fuck this up.
Dude, you're gonna love
this Pineapple Kush, man.
Is it gonna give me the best high?
Last time I smoked this,
I watched conspiracy videos online
for, like, six hours straight.
Awesome.
Here. Thanks for shopping
at Weed-N-Munchies, dude.
See ya.
- Hey, welcome to Weed-N-Munchies.
- Okay, whatever.
Welcome to Weed-N-Munchies.
Fuck.
Hurry up, man. Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Hurry up. Do it.
Come on, guys, let's move it along.
- Oh, shit.
- What's goin' on?
Let's go, buddy.
Who doesn't know their fucking PIN?
I'm sorry. I'm under
a bit of pressure at the moment.
Would you guys quit butt-fucking around?
I have a Blindr date. She's 420-friendly.
Oh, somebody wants to fuck or something.
Shut up.
- Are you crying?
- No.
You sound like a pussy teenager.
I am a teenager.
Look, we're not gonna hurt you, okay?
As soon as Goose gets the money,
we're gonna let you guys go, so suck it up.
I should never have told Duncan
to lie about us being rich.
Are you guys seriously not rich?
No, I'm just an
unemployed high school student
who's scared to talk to girls.
And now I'm never gonna see Kaylee again.
She thinks I called her a fucking bitch.
Hey, Heather. I'm sorry I'm late.
I'm behind these two fucktards at the ATM.
- What the fuck?
- Who can't get their shit together.
Motherfucker.
- And it's done.
- Yes. Okay.
I think these morons finally got it right.
I gotta go. I'll see you soon.
Hey, Bigfoot, I think your ATM is broken.
It says it has a $500 limit.
Dude, $500 is all
you can take out of that thing.
We live in America, right?
Have you ever used
an ATM before, dumb-ass?
You have a problemo, amigo, huh, with me?
Oh, you wanna go, Jackie Chan?
Hey, there's an old saying,
"You wake up the sleeping dragon,
"he might have sex with your face."
Oh, calm down, guys, calm down.
Dude, I just rolled this fat, sick joint.
Let's smoke it, chill out,
have fun, be friends.
Fuck!
That's what happens
when you fuck with me, Goose.
She's the most beautiful girl
in the whole world.
Every time I see her, I get butterflies.
Aw...
That is so sweet.
I remember when Goose used to
say stuff like that about me.
But now all he thinks about is himself.
Why are you still with him? He's so mean.
I know, right?
I don't know, he didn't used to
always be like this,
like, he used to be more charming.
He would bring me flowers
when I was at work.
He would fuck me real hard and good.
We would have dinner in public,
you know what I mean?
Like, normal stuff.
I still don't think
you should be with Goose.
You can do a lot better.
Thank you.
You know what?
When Goose gets back,
I'm gonna get your phone
and I'm gonna call Kaylee,
and I'm gonna tell her
you did not called her a fucking bitch.
- You would do that?
- Yes.
You guys are sweet boys, aren't you?
- Fuck you.
- Why would you do that?
What the hell? I just rescued you, bitch.
You idiot! She was gonna call Kaylee for me.
Well, I've stolen Goose's car,
so we need to leave now.
What the fuck? What the fuck?
Where's Goose?
Goose got in a fight with a crazy guy
and got knocked the fuck out.
He's gonna fucking kill us.
Oh, my God. Not if he can't catch us.
That's why we need to move
and get in the car now.
Yo, what's up, people?
Check out my new pimp ride.
And in shotgun, we got Jack, the pussy.
What are you doing?
Dude, relax.
Watch where you're going,
and I don't wanna be in your stupid vlog.
Dude, I saved us both.
The least you can say is, "Thank you."
You stole a drug dealer's car.
That's not all I stole. Pah!
Why did you take that?
Wait, let me think. Because, uh...
Fuck him.
Great reasoning.
Did you at least get our phones?
Oh, shit.
Let me get this straight.
You made a conscious effort
to steal a drug dealers car and watch,
but you didn't think to get our phones?
Oh, Jack, come on, I had a lot on my mind.
Fuck! We have no phones, no girls,
and no way of getting to this party.
- I don't feel so well.
- Wait, what do you mean?
Pull over. I'm gonna hurl.
Oh, fucking hell, Jack.
Yo, don't be too long,
you know this car is stolen.
Yo, space 'em out, Toph.
It's gotta look fresh, bro.
Bro, it's gonna look fresh.
All right. Yo, look at me.
No time for mistakes, okay?
Fourth quarter. Game's on the line.
All right? Peeps gonna be
showing up any minute now.
You think Kaylee's
gonna take you back tonight?
Toph, what kinda question is that, man?
Look at me, of course she is.
Plus, I only cheated on her,
like, what, three or four times?
And one of them was an HJ,
so barely counts.
Dude, I remember that.
Didn't she almost rip your dick off?
Yeah. Yeah, she did.
Jackhammer Jillian.
She was like... I was like...
Bitch was crazy.
I remember the pictures you sent me.
You got a big-ass dick. I'm kinda jealous.
Yeah, I do. I got a huge dick, Toph.
- You should be jealous.
- I'm actually really jealous.
Yeah. Well.
Thank God my dick's all healed up now.
- Take me to 307 Butler.
- Who the fuck are you?
Aren't you my Uber driver?
No, I am not your Uber driver.
Well, shit, can't you just take me?
I've been waiting here 20 minutes
on my damn ride.
You know what? I think I'm good.
I've already got one guy trying to kill me.
Come on, man. I'll give you 5 bucks.
Fuck no.
20?
Oh, God.
Who is this creepy guy?
I'm not creepy,
but I am fixing to go to
this killer party right now.
Will there be girls at this party?
Oh, yeah.
There'll be tons of vagina there.
Every bone in my body is telling me
that this is a bad idea.
Jack.
I know this guy might look like a...
Creepy pedophile, but he may be our ticket
to Tucker's party.
Come on, man. Let's go.
We're missing all the fun.
Trust me.
If it's weird, we're leaving.
Dude, come on, it's not gonna be weird.
Okay, it's weird.
Password?
Nipple fuck.
Welcome to the Pleasure Palace.
Please, come in.
Ooh, the Pleasure Palace.
You guys don't have too much fun tonight.
The King will see you now.
Yeah, this might've been a bad idea.
I'd rather be with Goose.
Do y'all know who I am?
Uh...
My name is King Pleasure.
And y'all two boys are right on time,
'cause the festivities have just begun.
Silence!
You're scaring Lazarus.
Now y'all two boys be still,
and let Lazarus here inspect you.
So, tell me, how do you like this song?
This song is appropriate for the moment.
Well, just as I suspected.
Lazarus has found you both to be virgins.
No.
The girls waiting for you love virgins.
Well,
you boys ready to get laid?
My father built this place
back in the year 1989.
That was just before
he suffered a terrible accident.
He was the first man ever
to be eaten alive by an otter.
Not a pretty sight.
You boys turned out sexier
than I could've ever hoped.
Your safe word is "Jumanji."
Now, of course, as the oldest boy,
it was my responsibility
to avenge my father's death.
So I tracked that otter for two months
through the swamps of Louisiana.
And when I found him, well, let's just say
we both knew only one of us
was leaving those swamps alive.
Your safe word is "Yes."
Enjoy.
Hey, sweet thing.
Won't you come over here
and let Mama give you a massage?
I guess a massage sounds nice.
Yes, so I've been coming here
for about three years,
it's really good for business.
There's just something
about screwing strangers
that just really turns me on,
you know what I mean?
Usually, I have a room that has a peep hole
so that everybody can watch,
'cause people wanna watch,
you know what I mean?
And, one time, I was here with four old men,
and when I say old, I mean really old,
like, ages 75 to 80.
And I was afraid that
they wouldn't be able to get it up,
but I totally got them up.
So.
- Do you wanna fuck me?
- Yes.
Cool.
Oh, you are such a baby. How old are you?
Eighteen.
Mmm. Old enough.
You like Mama's massage?
That feels good.
You're very strong.
Do you want a happy ending?
Do you want me to stop?
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Sounds like your friend is having fun.
I love you.
I was yelling the safe word.
Why didn't you stop?
Jack?
What the fuck? Frog Boy?
Frog Boy.
Are you ready?
Yes.
This is how we Brits do it in America.
Duncan, we gotta go!
Jack, not now!
I just got a massage from Principal Raheem!
We have to leave now!
I'm gonna let you two figure this out.
How could you, Jack?
I was finally about to gel laid,
and you ruin it by being
a fuckin' huge cockblock!
I can't take you seriously with that boner.
If your friend wants to join,
I love threesomes.
We are not having a threesome.
Literally, all you had to do
was wait two minutes,
and I would've had
the greatest night of my life.
The greatest night of my life, bro.
Really? The greatest night of your life?
Are you on drugs?
Get it off! Get it off!
Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!
What is that? Is that lube?
She's not responding!
Fuck! Oh, God, Leslie, don't die on me!
You're too young and beautiful!
Police. Open up.
Stop your fucking immediately.
Up against the wall.
Spread it. Give me that!
Oh, we need to get the fuck out of here.
Shit! The car's blocked in!
They're gonna think we killed her.
We're gonna go to jail.
I'm gonna lose my virginity
to a bunch of big, black, hairy dudes,
and they're gonna fuck me in the ass, bro.
They're gonna bend me over
and fuck my tight little ass,
and there's nothing I can do about it!
I'm just gonna...
What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm getting out of here!
- You can't just fucking take her car!
You can't just leave her here!
Are you coming or not?
Ugh, fine!
Which one is it?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Would you stop pulling so hard on my ribs?
What the hell am I supposed to do?
You're literally taking up all the space.
Why don't you just get off
and let me go to this party by myself?
Ever since Kaylee pretended to like you,
you've just become such an asshole.
Get off.
- I'm not getting off.
- Get off!
- No!
- Fine, then I'll get off.
Oh, just walk away, you pussy.
You know what?
Today would've been a pretty good day
if you didn't take me
on that stupid blind date with you.
You wanted to go on that blind date
just as much as me,
so you could see your precious Kaylee.
Things with Kaylee would've been just fine
if you would've taken
our phones back from Goose,
or not have knocked out Amber.
And on top of that, you took us
to that stupid fucking sex party
where I was molested by Principal Raheem.
You know I could've easily
gone to the party by myself?
But, hey, I was trying to be a good friend
by talking to Tucker
so you could come with me.
A good friend?
- You think you're a good friend?
- Yeah.
You're the most selfish person
I've ever met!
Selfish.
You're calling me selfish?
All you've wanted to do the whole day
is meet up with some girl
that barely even knows your fucking name.
- Fuck you, Jack.
- Fuck you, Duncan.
I'm finding away in.
I'm glad this is gonna be the last night
we're gonna be together.
So am I.
Have fun banging the BLOB.
I'm sure you'll need a condom.
The fuck happened to you?
- Me?
- Yeah.
I was attacked and my car was stolen.
What happened to the little guy?
The one you let get away knocked me out.
I woke up, I don't know
where the fuck they are.
Holy fuck!
Okay, how about
don't get robbed by a teenager?
Okay? How about that?
And that little fucker, he stole my watch.
I'm gonna kill him. They're both gonna die.
I am gonna pull my gun on black guy.
Twilight... Dead.
Who cares about
your stupid fucking watch, okay?
What about your girlfriend, huh?
You know what, Goose? I'm done.
I'm done.
Oh, no, no, no, baby, don't leave me.
You know it's hard to find a white girl
that likes an Asian guy.
Come on. I love you so much, baby.
You're the love of my life. I love you.
For real?
Yeah, you know, sometimes
I know I'm not a good boyfriend,
but I do everything I can
to provide for my lady, you know.
You're my pookie bear.
Who my pookie bear?
I your pookie bear. Me.
You my pookie bear.
Okay, well, then kiss me if you mean it.
Oh, yeah? You want me to kiss you, baby?
Oh, my God, you will?
The party.
- Oh...
- Are you fucking serious?
The party. The party. The party.
Mom, change of plans.
You gonna drop us off at 1212 Rose Avenue.
Oh, us? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, honey.
You know what, Goose?
You and I are over.
Stick your two-inch dick in someone else.
Don't leave me, pookie bear.
It's not two inches, it's three. Hard.
Damn it!
What the fuck you want, bro?
I'm here for Tucker's party.
- Are you on the list?
- Yeah.
What's your first name?
Uh, Duncan.
Oh, yeah, Duncan.
Yeah, you're not on the fuckin' list.
What up, biatch?
Where are the girls?
And where the fuck are your clothes?
Tucker, I tried so hard.
First of all, we met up
with this really hot girl,
and she was supposed to bring
her really hot friend,
but then we got kidnapped by her boyfriend.
But luckily, we managed to escape.
Then we went to this crazy place
called the Pleasure Palace.
There was a king, and there was a midget,
and then I found this other hot girl,
and I was gonna bring her to the party,
but then she OD'd on coke.
Coke, man. Coke.
So I had to Segway
from there all the way to here.
Pretty much what I am trying to say is that
I tried so, so hard to get here,
and it would mean the world
if you could just let me in
and have some fun...
Fuck!
Dude. You can't come in.
Are you sure we can't make
an, uh, arrangement?
Yeah. I'm gonna need some clothes, too.
Let's go, fucking little bitches,
no more dudes.
Dude, are you okay? Fuck you, Topher.
Oh, yeah, you guys can still
fuck each other tonight.
- Aw, like we're gonna fuck each other.
- Yeah, we wouldn't do that, right?
Hey, Mr. Pickles, I'm coming.
Why's this door so hard to open?
Open, you piece of shit.
Mr. Pickles, are you ready
for your big moment, buddy?
Everyone's excited to see you.
Where are you, man?
What are you doing under the bed,
you little silly-willy?
What... No. No!
Oh, my God!
Who did this to you, Mr. Pickles?
What's wrong, Tucker?
Mr. Pickles was murdered! He's dead!
Don't worry, we'll find
the motherfucker who did this
and make them pay.
- Hold me.
- I'm here for you, man.
Damn.
The things I would do
to have one night with one of those girls.
The trick with girls is
you need to insult them.
Bring their self-esteem down,
and then go in for the kill.
Does that really work?
Yeah. This book I'm reading
has a whole chapter on it.
It also says, "Lowering the quality
raises the quantity."
Take her, for example.
That's the kind of girl we need to find.
The BLOB. Not her.
Not yet.
Them.
That color doesn't look good on you.
Excuse me?
And are you texting her
how much of a slut you are?
Seriously? That's your pickup line?
You guys are creeps.
And fuck you, Chocolate Rain.
Great advice, man.
And he's just, like, under my bed, dead.
I'm like, "Are you alive?"
He doesn't say anything
'cause he's dead, you know?
Look, you don't get it, okay?
Mr. Pickles was my best friend.
He's all I had.
He's all I ever had, and now he's dead.
And is it supposed to be okay?
No. I'm sad, okay?
Just tell her the truth.
Everything is gonna be fine.
Kaylee.
What the hell do you want?
I thought we were, you know,
gonna hang out a bit tonight.
Well, yeah, I wanted to
until you called me a fucking bitch.
Funny thing is, that wasn't me.
I was actually kidnapped earlier today.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That guy you spoke to on the phone,
that's the guy who kidnapped me.
His name is Goose.
- Goose?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Calling me a bitch is one thing.
But lying straight to my face?
And I thought you were one of the nice guys.
Stop the car! Stop! Stop, Mama, stop.
God damn.
Those two little shits
don't know what's coming to them.
Mama?
Yes?
Do you believe in me?
Ever since you were a little baby,
I knew you would be special.
You can do what you put your mind to.
I am gonna make you proud, Mama.
But make it fast
so I can see the end of my show.
- Okay, you'll watch your show.
- Yes, yes.
Those two little motherfuckers are dead.
That's right. Right. That's my son.
Yes.
My son.
All right, you little horny freaks,
stop grinding on each other for two seconds,
'cause I know we've been waiting all night
for the big surprise,
but wait no longer,
'cause right here, on stage,
performing his first ever original rap song,
the daddy of Mr. Pickles,
Mr. 10 Million Subscribers,
give it up, Tucker fucking Jones.
Check it out, check it out,
check it out, check it out. Oh, yeah.
Fuck me, Tucker!
Yo, this song right here
is dedicated to my cat, Mr. Pickles.
I found him murdered in my room earlier.
No!
But you know what? It's all good.
We got Topher
checking the security cameras,
- and we're gonna find that motherfucker.
- Yeah.
And we're gonna make him pay.
Play that shit.
# Yo!
# Tucker Jones on the mic, uh, yeah
# Back when I was 16
Captain of the football team
# Nothing could stop me
Until I hurt my knee
# Doc said I'd never play again, but I did
# I got tiger blood in me
# I'm here to win, biatch #
Kaylee, can I talk to you for a few seconds?
Can you give me, like, two minutes?
- What now?
- I really like you.
And I went through a lot of trouble
to see you here tonight.
Every time I see you, I get butterflies.
And I've never felt like that
before with someone.
I've had bad experiences
with people that lie. So...
# To all my haters, you can suck my balls
# To all my haters, you can suck my balls
# You can suck my balls
# To all my haters, you can suck my balls
# You can suck my balls
# You can suck my balls
That fucker stole my song!
# Sucky, sucky, sucky, suck my balls #
Can we go talk outside?
It's really loud in here.
- Uh, no, thanks, I'm good.
- Please?
Leave me alone.
Just let me go.
- Stop!
- Yo, stop the music, man.
Oh, no.
Tucker!
Yo, why did you
have your hands on her, bro?
And why the fuck are you wearing my jersey?
Leave him alone. I can handle this myself.
Yo, no one touches her except me, okay?
We broke up. I can do whatever I want.
Why don't you shut up, bitch?
Ooh...
She's not a bitch.
You're a bitch.
Oh, shit.
- What did you just say?
- I said, you're a bitch.
You were dating the most beautiful girl
in the whole world
and you treated her like shit.
- Yeah, so?
- You're an asshole.
She deserves someone better.
What? Someone like you?
Yes. Someone like me.
Yo, Tucker.
- It was him. He killed Mr. Pickles.
- What?
- No, I didn't.
- Oh, yeah, you did.
- We caught it on camera, too.
- Oh, no.
Oh...
Mr. Pickles?
What are you doing under the bed,
you little silly-willy?
Mr. Pickles, oh, my God!
Mr. Pickles has been murdered!
Hold me!
Yo, I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass, bro.
Freeze!
Nobody move!
All you kids having a good time, huh?
You drinking, having sex with each other.
Chuk, chuck. Okay?
And this guy singing.
Gay guy, "Oh, suck my ball, suck the ball."
No, thank you, I'm not gay,
but maybe tonight, okay?
Now, back away!
I have unfinished business
with my little cutie-pie right here.
- Oh, shit.
- Where's my car?
It's at the Pleasure Palace.
What the fuck is a Pleasure Palace?
It's where they have sex,
and there's a beaver and a midget.
Ooh, I love beaver-midget sex.
It get me hard, you know what I mean?
Give me my keys and my watch.
I don't have them.
And where's your black friend?
The one that looks like Whoopi Goldberg?
I don't know.
Hey, you Asian bitch,
you can't just come into my party
with a fucking gun,
acting like you own the place.
You need to fuckin' leave.
Look at this big guy talking to me, huh?
You think you're Superman
'cause you look like Brandon Routh?
I have HRS, Hidden Retard Strength.
I will fuck you!
Yeah, I wanna fuck you,
I wanna fuck you bad, bro.
I'm fucking loco.
Oh!
Whoo!
Oh, I'm gonna fuckin' enjoy this shit.
That was awesome!
Party's back on.
Shit, Tucker, wake up, dude.
Tucker? You just got knocked out, dude.
Who was that guy? He was gonna kill you.
That's the guy who kidnapped us.
- Is that the truth?
- Yeah.
That's the little Asian motherfucker
that wanted to fuck on me, huh? Fuck you!
I'm sorry.
Why the fuck are you guys still partying?
Someone help me.
Fuck, come on, Tucker.
All right, guys, now we're gonna
slow it down a little bit.
'Cause, here, to perform his original song,
You're Always Loved,
give it up for my boy Golden.
# She's the part in the movie
where it all adds up
# So caught up in her eyes
# Oh, can't look away, I'm hypnotized
- Look, man...
- No, you're right.
I'm an asshole. And I'm selfish.
I'm sorry I dragged you
into all of this shit tonight.
You don't need to apologize.
I shouldn't have called you a bad friend.
I was being selfish, too.
So, um, are we cool?
We're cool.
# I will be there, I'll be there
# When the words just come out wrong
# And you're sick of the love songs
# I will be there, I'll be there
Hey, do you mind
if I borrow Jack for a little?
Not now, Kaylee!
- Duncan.
- I'm just kidding.
Go ahead, my lady.
# I'll be there to help
# Oh, yeah
# And when you're giving up
# Just know you're always loved
# You're always loved #
Hey, I'm sorry about tonight.
I was being such a bitch.
I can't believe I...
I accept your apology.
God, he's so fat.
- Anyway, cheers, mate.
- Cheers.
You were a hero out there.
- Thanks.
- I made you a new note.
Tabitha, have you met my new best friend?
Hi, Tabitha.
I'll be right back.
That color doesn't look good on you.
Oh, really?
Scarlett?
It's me, Duncan.
You were my sex teacher this morning.
Oh, my God. Hey, you.
What are you doing here?
I'm Tucker's sister.
Oh, wow.
I'm so sorry.
Don't worry about it.
He had it coming for him.
He's a total dick.
You're so much more beautiful in real life.
Thanks.
I'm really sorry I cut our session short.
I know it sounds kinda weird,
but I was kinda turned on by
what you were doing to the doll.
Do you wanna
finish up the lesson in my room?
I would love nothing more.
Come on.
Wait.
I've got something I need to tell you.
What? You're a virgin?
How did you know?
I could tell.
Boober?
I can help you out with that.
Take off your fucking clothes.
Yes, ma'am.
Mmm.
You wanna learn about sex?
I'm gonna teach you
everything you need to know tonight.
Teach me everything.
You'll always remember your first time.
God bless America.
We're not virgins any more!
This is what we do.
South Africa and England.
- We go in your country and take your women.
- Whoo!
Boys, where have you been?
Your flight leaves in two hours.
I tried both your cells,
straight to voice-mail.
Sorry. Things got really, really crazy.
Were you guys at Tucker's party?
Go to your room, God damn it.
All right, guys,
you need to go pack your bags
'cause we have to leave now.
Oh, but, Jack, did you end up
hooking up with Kaylee?
Because all the moms are gonna wanna know.
She told me not to tell.
Yeah, I fucked Tucker's sister.
Okay, didn't need to know that.
All right, hurry up, go, go.
We should have sex tonight.
Jesus, Lisa, stop it.
So I guess this is it.
Dude, come visit me in London sometime.
Only if we get kidnapped and have an orgy.
Good times.
I love you.
Love you, too, man.
Oh, yeah, don't forget about this.
My phone.
I took it from Goose
after Tucker knocked him out.
You, sir, are a legend.
Kaylee sent you some nudes, by the way.
What?
I'm only kidding.
Kaylee said she's gonna
come visit me this summer.
Scarlett said she's gonna give me
free sex lessons when I get back.
- You deserve those.
- Thanks, man.
Let me know where
you're going for college, by the way.
I'm thinking about studying abroad.
Fuck yeah.
You're in, you're in. Come on, go, go.
- Fuck! Fuck!
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Shit.
- Wait. Wait.
Did you just come?
Yeah.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm fucking with you.
I've totally fucked up my lines!
Where's your black friend?
The one that looks like Whoopi Goldberg?
Whoopi Goldberg...
# I got a big dick #
"Sorry, I can't make it today.
"I'm too much of a pussy
to go meet some blind niggas."
You always say that.
You're not gay, but you'd fuck a guy.
I know. No condom either, you know.
Oh, look.
You were so heroic out there.
Who my pookie bear?
I am.
Yes.
Oh, fuck, my head.
Watch where you're going.
I'm gonna teach you everything
you need to know...
Okay, really? Really?
I'm fucking with you again.
Uh-oh!
Shit, cunt.
And let's just say, only one of us
left that swamp alive.
Somebody left that door open,
so you can just go on in, go ahead now.
That was good times. Have fun, Shalonda.
Yes!
You took so fucking long...
Okay, go do your thing.
That's my ride.
I'm just gonna hop on it.
That's what she said.
You think you're Superman
'cause you look like Brandon...
Do it again.
That hurt so bad.
Chef Nelson's or whatever
the fuck it's called.
Uh, Chef Nelson's. He's got a restaurant.
The crab shack.
Yeah.
Imagine getting tag-teamed by those two.
- I totally have. Huh? What?
- What?
Suck my balls, suck my balls,
suck my balls...
All right, this is the one.
Suck my balls, my balls.
Oh, fuck. Sorry!
Oh, there's an old saying,
"You open up the sleeping dragon,
"he might have sex with your mouth." Okay?
Hey, calm down, guys.
Hey we go, guys.
For fuck's sake!
- I don't know what to say.
- I don't know what to say to him.
Action.
Oh, my...
- What's funny?
- I don't know.
Everyone wants to go home, buddy.
Good job, boys.
Eye contact is very important
when trying to seduce your partner.
It's the most overlooked step by virgins,
so remember this for your first time.
Yeah, yeah, we get it.
Look at them
before you fuck their brains out.
Now, can we move on to the sex positions?
'Cause that's what I paid $80 for.
Actually, that's what I paid $80 for.
Yeah, don't worry, Jack.
I'll pay you back, I'll pay you back.
You boys can figure this out later.
Right now, I want you to pretend
that Bailey is a girl from class
that you brought home to your room.
Show me how you would seduce her.
Jack, you go first.
Hey. Hey there, Bailey.
Um, how was school for you today?
For me, it was okay.
I had a stomach ache, though.
But the nurse just said I ate too much.
What are you doing?
Take off your shirt already.
Come on.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry my chest is so smooth.
I can't grow any chest hair.
She's losing interest
and is about to call for a ride home.
What are you gonna do to make her stay?
Come on, you've got this, you've got this.
Oh, my fucking God.
Okay, Jack, that's enough.
Not one girl is gonna wanna sleep with you
with that lack of confidence.
You need to work on that.
Duncan, your turn.
- Good luck.
- I don't need luck.
Scarlett, play some music.
That's a nice touch.
Hey, little sexy.
Whoo!
Yeah, yeah, you like what you see?
Do you like that?
Whoo!
Wait, why were you wearing those?
Wow.
"Oh, my God, it's so big."
I know.
You ever been fucked
by a British boy before?
Huh? Huh? Yeah!
Yeah!
Uh, Duncan, that's a little aggressive.
Not all the girls get into it that quickly.
Scarlett, look at me!
I am the captain now.
Jack, get over here!
Show Bailey a good time.
Oh!
Wait. Don't you think
this is a little weird?
Jack, we're best friends, nothing is weird.
Okay, my time's up here, boys. Sorry.
Oh! Oh, God, I'm getting close.
What?
Happy last day in America.
Ah!
Did you just come?
Good morning, Glenbrook High School!
Well, I hope everyone's excited
for summer break.
I know I sure am.
Okay, make sure everyone
returns their books to the library...
Hey, guys, so this is
the ghost chili challenge.
Now, see, I put it...
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Your new video is terrible.
It only takes one video to go viral.
- Fuck!
- Oh.
And here to read this year's
final morning announcements
is the captain of the football team,
Tucker Jones.
Yo, yo, yo. What's goin' on, everyone?
Tucker Jones on the mike.
Today's lunch is meatloaf
with mashed potatoes,
and if you're a vegan
for whatever stupid reason, it's salad.
Also, I just wanna address the rumor
that's been going on about me.
Yes, I did hook up with Jaclyn Wasinowski,
and, yes, she does have herpes,
but I did not contract it.
- Tucker!
- Marsha, I'm okay, all right? Relax.
Just stick to the paper.
Marsha, calm your tits.
Also, I just wanna
remind everyone that tonight,
I am having the sickest
end-of-the-year party
celebrating my cat, Mr. Pickles,
hitting 10 million subscribers on YouTube.
Yeah. All girls welcome,
guys gotta be on my VIP list.
Okay, thank you, Tucker.
And that's how it's done, bitches.
Pussy-ass dick holes.
Did you get invited to his party?
- No, did you?
- No.
Have a great summer,
and well see y'all next fall.
Principal Raheem will see you boys now.
Sorry. Mrs. Cole said to come in.
Have a seat, boys.
I'm trying to finish something here.
Who the fuck told me this was easy?
Uh, Principal Raheem, what are you doing?
I'm playing a virtual reality game.
It's called Shit Swipe. It's very addicting.
You have to grab these little turds
and move them around so they match,
and it's really fucking difficult.
No. No, no. What's happening? Move.
It's frozen!
Fuck!
Stupid shit of a game!
Fucking stupid shit of a fucking game.
So, I hope you guys enjoyed
your stay in the States.
Did you get a chance to do some fun things?
Like going to Disneyland?
Yeah, we went.
Um, it was great.
A lot of kids, though.
And fat people.
Well, this is America, you know.
Did you go to any baseball games?
I didn't really know what was going on.
So I just cheered
when everyone else cheered.
So many fat people.
Yeah, but what about the ladies?
Did you get a chance
to experience any American girls?
No girls? Not even fat girls?
Nope.
I haven't had sex with one girl
since I've been here,
and I just know all my friends
are gonna just call me a "wankstain virgin"
when I get back.
You're a virgin, too, aren't you, Jack?
I don't think we need to talk about that.
So you're telling me that
we have two foreign boys
who are both virgins?
Oh, I shouldn't laugh because,
you know, it wasn't easy
for me either with the girls.
When I came from India,
I would only find work
as a street performer
on Hollywood Boulevard.
I would play Wolverine,
Michael Jackson, Frog Boy.
You know, anything to make a few bucks
until I got my big break
and I became a high school principal.
Then, poof, all hell broke loose.
I couldn't keep the girls away, like flies.
I said, "Back off, bitches.
"Where were you
when I was Michael Jackson?"
Wait, how did anyone think
you were Michael Jackson?
And what's Frog Boy?
Wouldn't you like to know.
What I'm trying to say is that
if you can't get laid in America,
you can't get laid anywhere.
And if you're lucky like me,
you can go home to this every night.
Pretty sexy, eh?
I am watching you.
Don't get any ideas.
Shalonda is all mine.
And she is very good with her hands.
Anyway, enough of the cock teasing.
Here we go.
Here are your foreign exchange certificates,
and good luck to you, boys.
I hope I have been an inspiration.
Thank you.
Okay.
I hope you're de-virginized
when I see you next.
Send me a card.
Marsha, get that troublemaker Billy Franco
to come and take back his Shit Swipe game.
It's fuckin' broken.
Dude, I gotta get laid tonight,
just, somehow.
Good luck.
Hiring a prostitute doesn't count.
I'm not going to hire a prostitute,
but you know what?
I'm not gonna rule anything out.
Jack?
Hey, Jack.
Hey. Hey, Kaylee.
Thank you so much for letting me
cheat off your test yesterday.
- I got a B.
- That's great.
Okay, well, see you, bro.
Uh, what are your plans for tonight?
Um, tonight's my last night in the States.
What? Oh, my God.
I can't believe it's your last night
and we never got to hang out.
I didn't think you knew I existed.
Yeah, you're that cute British kid.
I'm South African, but I could be British.
Well, Mr. South Africa,
are you going to Tucker's party tonight?
I want to go.
Oh, my God. You have to go.
We have to make your last night here
a night to remember.
What?
Let me see your phone.
Okay, there's my number.
Text me so we can meet up tonight?
- Maybe we can even...
- Have sex.
I mean, that's what I plan on doing tonight.
Get off me, and I hope
you're talking about someone else,
because we broke up, remember?
Whatever, you'll come back.
- They always come back.
- Definitely not.
You look like you're 12 years old,
you know that?
- Okay.
- Why don't you lift something, bro?
Your arms look like ramen noodles.
I could slurp you.
Tucker, stop.
You wanna go, bro?
Saved by the bell.
Little bitch.
Hey, would you at least walk me to class,
just one more time, please?
Come on.
Okay, fine. But don't put your arm
around me.
I wasn't going to. Don't yell at me.
- See you tonight, Jack.
- I'll put it in my schedule.
Fuck you, Jack.
My sweet, sweet Kaylee.
What?
Nothing.
# Just leave me alone
# Meow
# In the dark, I wanna cringe
# I miss you so much
# In the dark, I wanna #
Oh...
Fuck.
That song was dedicated to
my cat, Sprinkles.
She was my best friend.
Okay, let's hear
what you're passionate about
with your final performance.
Duncan, you're up first.
Go get 'em.
Um, my final song is called,
Fuck What My Friends Say,
I'm Good at FIFA.
# It's FIFA time
So I'ma make you all my bitch
# So shut the fuck up
Or I'll put you in a ditch
# I play online, I win online
That's how I roll
# 'Cause I never lose a game
You think I suck? Hell, no
# I got a big dick
I know you're fucking jealous
# I'm a FIFA don, like in Goodfellas
# Haters getting mad
# But I'm the one with lows
# So if you're hating
You can go and suck my balls #
Stop.
Duncan, I really want you
to hit that note right there.
You're at the climax of the chorus
and everyone needs to feel that passion.
So do it again.
At the balls?
The balls.
# To all my haters
You can go and suck my balls
# Suck my balls
Like that.
- You want me to sing it?
- Yes.
# Suck my balls
# Suck my balls, suck my balls
# Suck my balls #
You did it.
Bring it in, homie.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Everyone, give it up for Duncan.
A plus, plus, plus. Whoo!
And that, everyone, is how
you take direction
and turn it into perfection.
Now, another song about
one of my other cats, Chip.
Yo, your pitch was a little off,
but the song was pretty sick, I guess.
- Thanks, man.
- Shut up.
Duncan.
Hey, Tucker.
Can Jack and I come to your party tonight?
No, fuck no, all right?
My place is gonna be crawling with hotties.
I don't need two foreign losers
coming and killing the vibe.
So shut up and turn around.
Duncan.
Hey, Tucker?
What?
It's our last night, man.
And it would really mean a lot.
Besides, I'm really trying to get laid.
All right, look, the only way
you guys are getting into my party
is if you bring two girls with you.
Okay.
Hot girls.
Okay.
And not from this school, all right?
I wanna meet some new baes.
Okay.
Make sure they're hot
or you're not getting in.
They're gonna be so fucking hot.
Why would you promise Tucker
we could bring two hot girls?
Because that's the only way
we're getting into his party tonight.
But we don't know any girls,
especially hot ones.
Yo, I just got you past the VIP list
so you can see Kaylee tonight, all right?
The least you can say is, "Thank you."
But if I arrive at the party
with another girl,
there's no way Kaylee's gonna talk to me.
Listen to me, okay?
If you want to have any chance
of seeing your lover tonight
and getting laid,
then you need to help me find
hot girls for this party.
Then, once we're inside,
you can go and see Kaylee.
Come on, bro, do you want to remember this
as the night
that you went to bed at 9:00 p.m.
or the night that you went after Kaylee?
Fine. I'm in.
Yes, my nigga.
Beth, your parents found
this disturbing drawing in your room,
and it concerns me.
Do you want to explain this?
That's me burning my entire house
with everything inside it,
including my parents.
That's what we're talking about.
My wife gave birth to a little demon.
Oh, now this is my fault?
Let's just try to focus on the positives.
As horrific as this image is,
your daughter is a pretty talented artist,
and you should encourage her
to explore her abilities.
She drew a picture of herself murdering us.
Maybe you should've gotten me that iPad
for my birthday.
Uh, Beth, blackmailing your parents
with death threats is not appropriate.
Ugh, nobody gets me!
Why do you have to talk to her like that?
I enjoy it.
Boys.
How does it feel to be done
with high school?
It pretty much feels the same.
Lisa and I would like to take you to Chef
Nelson's Crab Shack tonight for dinner.
Well, and Beth, too.
- Yeah, you shouldn't leave her alone.
- What?
- Uh...
- We...
We kinda have a party tonight.
Oh, my God.
Did you get invited
to Tucker's YouTube party?
Yeah.
Wait, how do you know about that?
Oh, yeah, well, you know,
me and some of the moms,
we have a FaceChat group at the school
where we get together and chat and gossip.
So, Jack, there's a rumor going around that
you have a thing for that Kaylee girl?
Wait. People know I like her?
Oh, my God, yes.
We talk about it all the time.
Ben's mom, Jill's mom,
they're kind of obsessed with you.
You're, like, their favorite couple.
We're, like, rooting for you.
Actually, it is pretty obvious, dude.
Yeah.
Well, you can go to dinner
tonight before, right?
Come on, it's Chef Nelson's.
Best octopus and eight-course meals.
Oh, my God, honey,
they don't wanna eat your stupid octopus.
They've got a huge party tonight
to get ready for.
Tonight's kind of a big night
for you guys, huh?
All right, go do your thing.
- All right.
- Thank you.
But you know what? You have early flights
in the morning, so don't stay out too late.
We won't.
Those are some good boys.
They're just the best.
All my friends fucked girls
when they studied here,
I'm gonna be the pussy of the group.
Oh, man. We gotta find some girls, man.
Why don't you ask Tabitha
to come to the party?
She totally wants your willy.
Tabitha is a complete BLOB.
What's a BLOB?
You know the girl that
you'd never have sex with,
but when the night is coming to an end
and you run out of options,
you start to consider her,
and God, pretty much it's a...
Basic Last Option Bae. BLOB.
You've never had sex.
Yeah, but I've thought about it,
and, oh, no, no, she's definitely a BLOB.
Kaylee gave me her number today.
How long do you think I should wait
before I text her?
I don't know, three hours?
Too late, I already sent it.
Well, let's pretend Kaylee doesn't exist
for two seconds.
Where would you go to find hot girls?
I told you, why don't you bring
the BLOB and one of her friends?
But Tucker said they can't be
from our school, remember?
How are we supposed to do that?
It's your brother.
- What's up, nigga?
- Freddie, my nigga.
- Will you look at this nigga?
- What the fuck are you doing?
Whoa! You can't say that, bro.
I'm really sorry about that.
That came out racist.
- I'm not racist.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
I have black friends.
I'm picking you up from the airport tomorrow
'cause Mom and Dad are busy.
All right, that's great,
but something more important has come up.
Pretty much, we need to find hot girls
for this party tonight.
Got any ideas?
Looks like the virgin needs help
from his younger brother.
You wish I was a virgin,
'cause then I'd fuck you
and lose my virginity, bitch.
What?
I'm two years younger than you
and I've already had sex with three girls.
Where did you meet these girls?
I used this new blind dating app
called Blindr.
A blind dating app?
That just sounds stupid, Freddie.
Check it out. I just sent you a link.
Having trouble meeting girls?
Do you do better with girls
when they don't know what you look like?
Then Blindr is just what you need.
It's so simple.
Just enter your information
into your profile
and start blinding away.
- With its new patented...
- Pretty sick, right?
Shut up, Freddie! I can't hear.
Here's what a real-life couple
has to say about Blindr.
Before, girls wouldn't even look at me.
But now, with Blindr,
I let my personality shine through
and I found my soulmate.
It's true.
I wouldn't have even talked to
a guy like Lance several months ago.
I mean, look at him.
But thanks to Blindr,
I've been seduced by his mind.
Thanks, Blindr.
We can do this.
You can even use our double date option
to score a double blind date.
Yes.
Download the app for free and get blinding.
Because you know what they say,
true love is blind.
- Sorry, Freddie, gotta go.
- Uh...
This is perfect. Let's do it.
I'm not into meeting people online.
That's creepy.
Come on, man,
that's how everyone meets people nowadays.
Besides, we're not
actually dating these girls.
We're just gonna
take them to the party with us,
and then we're in.
Come on, Jack.
If you're not feeling it once we get there,
then we can easily just leave.
It's Kaylee.
"Hey, Jack, what time
are you going to the party tonight?"
Why don't you tell her,
"Sorry, I can't make it tonight
"because I'm too much of a pussy
"to go meet some girls
on a blind dating app."
- Let's do it.
- Yes! Yes!
Downloading now.
Okay.
Yeah, it takes a while.
Okay, we're in.
All right, double date and name.
Duncan and Jack.
No, we can't use our real names.
Why not? We're leaving
the country tomorrow.
People can stalk you.
Okay, fine, I'm keeping my name.
What do you want your name to be?
Thor.
I've always wanted lo be called Thor.
Thor is a pretty fucking cool name.
All right, I am changing mine as well.
I told you.
Petrie.
- Petrie?
- Petrie and Thor it is.
- Nice.
- Okay, income.
What's the highest you can put?
Uh...
- Over $500,000 a year.
- Put that.
The more money we appear to have,
the hotter girls we'll get.
Jack, this is why I love you.
Oh, my God.
Thor and Petrie, high rollers.
There is no way we're not gonna land
the hottest girls on Blindr
with this description.
It's... It's foolproof.
Let's start swiping now.
Yes, yes, yes, yes...
So, what are you looking for
when you say yes?
Pretty much, it's just a numbers game.
Yes, yes, yes. No one ever says no...
It's a match.
We got a match!
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
Wait, wait, what does their description say?
Uh, Amber and Violet,
two hot girls that will rock your world.
- This is amazing.
- New message.
Oh, my God! They...
Oh, my God. They messaged us.
"You seem like
just the guys we are looking for.
"Can you meet us for dinner tonight?"
New picture message.
Holy shit!
They're hot. Look.
Tell them yes! Tell them yes!
Uh, yes. Where at and what time?
I can't believe this is working.
New message.
"Michael J's Diner in 30 minutes."
I have no idea where that is.
Yeah. See you there.
Wait, now that they think we're rich,
what are we gonna wear?
Rich people don't wear this.
Don't worry, I've got us covered.
Wait. How are we gonna get there?
- Shall I call an Uber?
- No, we'll call a Boober.
Your outfits are pretty cool.
Why didn't you think of Boober
when we were thinking of ideas?
I've never used it before.
I didn't know it was like this.
Hey, would you two fine ladies
want to go to a party tonight?
Sorry, we're not allowed to
go anywhere with customers.
I mean, it's only for a couple of minutes,
and then you can just leave.
They're not interested.
And no filming inside the Boober.
Maybe that's the one that goes viral.
You never know.
That's why you always gotta be filming.
Here are your complimentary
Boober condoms.
Have you guys ever tried
ultra-thin condoms before?
We've never had sex before.
What my friend means is that
we've had plenty of sex.
It's just... We don't like using condoms.
Okay, condoms prevent 99% of STDs.
- Give me one.
- I'll look after these, you'll lose yours.
Good idea.
- Michael J's Diner, right?
- Yeah.
- All right, we're here.
- Thanks for riding with Boober!
Michael J's Diner, where dreams come true.
Are we sure we're in the right place?
Yeah, I'm not sure about anything any more.
Are you Thor and Petrie?
Hello.
Hi, I'm Thor.
Oh...
- And I'm Petrie.
- Oh...
Hi, I'm Amber.
So, Thur and Petrie?
Those names sound kinda fake.
I'm fucking with you.
I want to apologize for my friend Violet,
she's running a bit late.
But, I promise, as soon as she gets here...
...you guys are gonna love her.
She's, like, really hot.
I'm sure she's not as beautiful as you.
Petrie, you are such a sweetheart.
- So, tell me... Oh...
- You're such a...
- You go ahead.
- Oh, no. Please, you go.
You're such a sweetheart, too.
Aw, thank you.
So tell me about yourselves.
Um, well, I'm from the British
royal family, adopted,
and I'm here for
a really important business meeting.
What kind of business?
Oil.
And what do you do at oil?
I'm the president.
I thought only Arabs were into oil.
- I'm fucking with you again.
- Stop that.
Y'all need to relax, okay? Shake it off.
So, what about you, Thor? What do you do?
I own a video games company.
- Make video games.
- Oh, that's hot.
Uh, but it's ironic
because he sucks at video games.
No, I don't.
Dude, I destroy you at every video game.
What are you doing?
Well, I'm gonna go get us some drinks, okay?
Be right back.
So, clearly, Amber is mine.
But you can have her friend
when she shows up.
I'm not sleeping with
any of these girls tonight.
I'm a faithful man.
Fine, I'll fuck both of them. Threesome.
You haven't had sex with a girl in 18 years.
What makes you think tonight
you're gonna fuck two?
Oh...
I think she's on the phone
to her friend right now.
Yeah, it's perfect.
They're a couple of rich losers.
You got the car running?
Great, this shouldn't take long.
Yeah? 20 million? No, I want 30.
I know the freaking Queen, okay?
That sounds great.
Deal. I gotta go. See you in a bit.
Sorry, I had a really
important business call.
It sounded important.
Here you go.
What should we toast to?
Let's toast to you and Violet
going to a party tonight,
with us, after dinner.
Is that an invite?
Y... Yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
What do you think, girl, you wanna go?
Mmm, I don't know. What do you think?
I don't know.
We would love to come.
To a great night.
To a great night.
Come on. Up, up, up, up, up, up.
Mmm-mmm.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Yeah.
That's really good.
I drank way more than you.
Yo, this is fucked.
Uh-oh!
Night-night.
Why aren't they waking up?
I don't know, Goose. They're your drugs.
You used the right amount?
Yeah, I used exactly how much
you told me to.
'Cause the last time I used this drug,
they weren't passed out for this long.
Okay.
Are you sure they're rich?
Yeah, their profiles said they were.
One of them's
president of an oil company, so...
No, they look like
they're from high school, you know.
This one looks like
he has no hair down below, you know.
This soft white guy with a tight cheek.
Very tight cheek, don't you?
Yeah, you do.
Hey, little boy, how are you?
This black guy right here
wants to play games
with Daddy, huh? For me.
Are they even alive?
Shh...
That seemed to work. Yeah.
Duncan?
Okay. Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Shut the fuck up. Okay?
What do you want from us?
All right. Listen here, little boy, okay?
I'm gonna be asking the questions and you
guys are gonna be giving the answers.
Jung-Hoon! Can you keep it down?
I'm trying to watch Ellen.
Mom, I'm busy, okay? Stop interrupting us.
Okay, sweetheart. I love you.
I love you, too.
Amber tells me that you guys are rich, huh?
No, we're not rich at all.
Oh, you're not rich at all?
Then how come I got this off your neck,
giant talking black homeboy?
Drinking the juice in the hood, yeah?
Fuck, man, that's fake.
Shit, man, we're poor as shit.
Man, we're still in high school.
Liars, you told me
you're president of an oil company
and you said you create video games.
We made that up to impress you.
Amber, you dumb-dumb. You're a dumb-dumb.
Baby, they're lying.
You saw them, they pulled up
in some fancy-ass limo
at the restaurant, right?
You betrayed us, Amber. How could you?
And where the fuck is Violet, huh?
Does she even exist?
This is what happens
when you send a woman to do a man's job.
You know what I'm saying?
A man? Oh, yeah, you think you're a man?
Yeah, a man doesn't send
his girlfriend of three years
to go kidnap some kids
because he is too much of a pussy
to do it himself.
Excuse me for a moment.
I'll be right back.
What are you doing?
Yeah, I don't know. What am I doing?
Okay, I'm wasting my life with some
out-of-shape, wannabe-gangster loser.
The reason why
I'm out of shape is I'm out there,
trying to provide for you, okay?
I don't have time to go
to the gym, all right?
I'm genetically fat.
Fuck you, Goose. You don't provide shit.
You're 37, and you still
live at home with your mom.
Honey, dinner's ready.
I'm not hungry, Mom.
Are you sure? I made kimchi stir-fry.
Your favorite.
Oh, you did?
- Help us.
- Don't say another fucking word.
Mama, what are you doing down here?
Oh, honey, I didn't know
you had friends over.
How rude of me.
Your friends should join us for dinner.
No, thanks, Mom,
because we're rehearsing
with our new boy band
and the black guy is the lead singer.
He is very good.
I'm tired of always eating alone.
What if I die tomorrow?
Then you will feel guilty
for the rest of your life.
If you and your friends
don't join me for dinner,
you're going to have to start paying rent.
You guys hungry?
You scared?
You boys will love
my famous kimchi stir-fry.
Thank you, Mrs. Pak.
Sure, dig in.
Mmm. Yum...
Who's Kaylee?
She keeps texting one of you guys.
It's really beginning to piss me off.
You leave her out of this.
Oh...
- How do you boys know Jung-Hoon?
- Yeah.
I mean, Goose.
Goose, Goose.
Mom, I'm creating a new app
and these guys are my new investors.
Oh, I didn't Know you were
working on a new app.
What is this one about?
It shows the nearest street corner
where you can get drugs from.
It's called Dealer.
There's nothing out there like it.
Supposedly, it's gonna
make us millionaires, so...
If you need money, just sell your watch.
It's a piece of junk anyway.
Mom, this watch give me
major street credibility, okay?
I cannot create an app
without street cred, okay, Ma?
You know what?
This Dealer app of yours,
it sounds a bit shady.
How is it legal to assist
in the purchasing of drugs?
There's nothing illegal about it, okay?
Amber did research, okay?
Everything is good.
- I googled.
- She googled.
Well, can't the police just use that
to find drug dealers?
That's not how it work, okay?
Hey, why so many questions?
Well, if I'm going to be
an "investor" in your app,
then, surely, I need to make sure
it's worth my money.
Oh, you getting aggressive, I like it.
Shut up, Duncan.
I like this white boy.
He's soft like Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone.
Do the... Oh!
Hey...
I'm not gay,
but I'd do you.
You always say that.
You tell a guy you'd fuck him,
but that you're not gay.
I know. I'm not gay, it's experimental.
Oh, hey, look, Kaylee calling.
Hey, Britain, you don't think
I can do a British accent?
- I show you.
- Oh, great.
I practice, ha. Wait.
Hello. Oh.
Jack, I texted you the address.
1212 Rose Avenue.
Let me check. Yeah, I got it.
Kaylee.
Okay. Cool.
I can't wait for you to see
what I'm wearing tonight.
I think you'll like it.
Oh, that sounds bloody great. Cheers.
And one last thing.
Kaylee, go fuck yourself, you bitch.
- What?
- How could you say that?
Oh, you gonna cry?
Huh?
Hey, Mom, I have
to cut dinner a little short.
I have some business to take care of.
Okay.
Hey, black guy, fudgy face.
Stand up, you coming with me.
Stand up!
- He means you.
- Get up.
Don't cry, Twilight vampire.
Remember Twilight?
The vampire. White guy like that.
Get in there.
Little bitch.
Listen up, jackass, okay?
You gonna put in
your PIN number at the ATM.
I'm gonna pull out the money,
and then you're gonna act like
there's nothing wrong.
Good plan, right?
Do not fuck this up.
Dude, you're gonna love
this Pineapple Kush, man.
Is it gonna give me the best high?
Last time I smoked this,
I watched conspiracy videos online
for, like, six hours straight.
Awesome.
Here. Thanks for shopping
at Weed-N-Munchies, dude.
See ya.
- Hey, welcome to Weed-N-Munchies.
- Okay, whatever.
Welcome to Weed-N-Munchies.
Fuck.
Hurry up, man. Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Hurry up. Do it.
Come on, guys, let's move it along.
- Oh, shit.
- What's goin' on?
Let's go, buddy.
Who doesn't know their fucking PIN?
I'm sorry. I'm under
a bit of pressure at the moment.
Would you guys quit butt-fucking around?
I have a Blindr date. She's 420-friendly.
Oh, somebody wants to fuck or something.
Shut up.
- Are you crying?
- No.
You sound like a pussy teenager.
I am a teenager.
Look, we're not gonna hurt you, okay?
As soon as Goose gets the money,
we're gonna let you guys go, so suck it up.
I should never have told Duncan
to lie about us being rich.
Are you guys seriously not rich?
No, I'm just an
unemployed high school student
who's scared to talk to girls.
And now I'm never gonna see Kaylee again.
She thinks I called her a fucking bitch.
Hey, Heather. I'm sorry I'm late.
I'm behind these two fucktards at the ATM.
- What the fuck?
- Who can't get their shit together.
Motherfucker.
- And it's done.
- Yes. Okay.
I think these morons finally got it right.
I gotta go. I'll see you soon.
Hey, Bigfoot, I think your ATM is broken.
It says it has a $500 limit.
Dude, $500 is all
you can take out of that thing.
We live in America, right?
Have you ever used
an ATM before, dumb-ass?
You have a problemo, amigo, huh, with me?
Oh, you wanna go, Jackie Chan?
Hey, there's an old saying,
"You wake up the sleeping dragon,
"he might have sex with your face."
Oh, calm down, guys, calm down.
Dude, I just rolled this fat, sick joint.
Let's smoke it, chill out,
have fun, be friends.
Fuck!
That's what happens
when you fuck with me, Goose.
She's the most beautiful girl
in the whole world.
Every time I see her, I get butterflies.
Aw...
That is so sweet.
I remember when Goose used to
say stuff like that about me.
But now all he thinks about is himself.
Why are you still with him? He's so mean.
I know, right?
I don't know, he didn't used to
always be like this,
like, he used to be more charming.
He would bring me flowers
when I was at work.
He would fuck me real hard and good.
We would have dinner in public,
you know what I mean?
Like, normal stuff.
I still don't think
you should be with Goose.
You can do a lot better.
Thank you.
You know what?
When Goose gets back,
I'm gonna get your phone
and I'm gonna call Kaylee,
and I'm gonna tell her
you did not called her a fucking bitch.
- You would do that?
- Yes.
You guys are sweet boys, aren't you?
- Fuck you.
- Why would you do that?
What the hell? I just rescued you, bitch.
You idiot! She was gonna call Kaylee for me.
Well, I've stolen Goose's car,
so we need to leave now.
What the fuck? What the fuck?
Where's Goose?
Goose got in a fight with a crazy guy
and got knocked the fuck out.
He's gonna fucking kill us.
Oh, my God. Not if he can't catch us.
That's why we need to move
and get in the car now.
Yo, what's up, people?
Check out my new pimp ride.
And in shotgun, we got Jack, the pussy.
What are you doing?
Dude, relax.
Watch where you're going,
and I don't wanna be in your stupid vlog.
Dude, I saved us both.
The least you can say is, "Thank you."
You stole a drug dealer's car.
That's not all I stole. Pah!
Why did you take that?
Wait, let me think. Because, uh...
Fuck him.
Great reasoning.
Did you at least get our phones?
Oh, shit.
Let me get this straight.
You made a conscious effort
to steal a drug dealers car and watch,
but you didn't think to get our phones?
Oh, Jack, come on, I had a lot on my mind.
Fuck! We have no phones, no girls,
and no way of getting to this party.
- I don't feel so well.
- Wait, what do you mean?
Pull over. I'm gonna hurl.
Oh, fucking hell, Jack.
Yo, don't be too long,
you know this car is stolen.
Yo, space 'em out, Toph.
It's gotta look fresh, bro.
Bro, it's gonna look fresh.
All right. Yo, look at me.
No time for mistakes, okay?
Fourth quarter. Game's on the line.
All right? Peeps gonna be
showing up any minute now.
You think Kaylee's
gonna take you back tonight?
Toph, what kinda question is that, man?
Look at me, of course she is.
Plus, I only cheated on her,
like, what, three or four times?
And one of them was an HJ,
so barely counts.
Dude, I remember that.
Didn't she almost rip your dick off?
Yeah. Yeah, she did.
Jackhammer Jillian.
She was like... I was like...
Bitch was crazy.
I remember the pictures you sent me.
You got a big-ass dick. I'm kinda jealous.
Yeah, I do. I got a huge dick, Toph.
- You should be jealous.
- I'm actually really jealous.
Yeah. Well.
Thank God my dick's all healed up now.
- Take me to 307 Butler.
- Who the fuck are you?
Aren't you my Uber driver?
No, I am not your Uber driver.
Well, shit, can't you just take me?
I've been waiting here 20 minutes
on my damn ride.
You know what? I think I'm good.
I've already got one guy trying to kill me.
Come on, man. I'll give you 5 bucks.
Fuck no.
20?
Oh, God.
Who is this creepy guy?
I'm not creepy,
but I am fixing to go to
this killer party right now.
Will there be girls at this party?
Oh, yeah.
There'll be tons of vagina there.
Every bone in my body is telling me
that this is a bad idea.
Jack.
I know this guy might look like a...
Creepy pedophile, but he may be our ticket
to Tucker's party.
Come on, man. Let's go.
We're missing all the fun.
Trust me.
If it's weird, we're leaving.
Dude, come on, it's not gonna be weird.
Okay, it's weird.
Password?
Nipple fuck.
Welcome to the Pleasure Palace.
Please, come in.
Ooh, the Pleasure Palace.
You guys don't have too much fun tonight.
The King will see you now.
Yeah, this might've been a bad idea.
I'd rather be with Goose.
Do y'all know who I am?
Uh...
My name is King Pleasure.
And y'all two boys are right on time,
'cause the festivities have just begun.
Silence!
You're scaring Lazarus.
Now y'all two boys be still,
and let Lazarus here inspect you.
So, tell me, how do you like this song?
This song is appropriate for the moment.
Well, just as I suspected.
Lazarus has found you both to be virgins.
No.
The girls waiting for you love virgins.
Well,
you boys ready to get laid?
My father built this place
back in the year 1989.
That was just before
he suffered a terrible accident.
He was the first man ever
to be eaten alive by an otter.
Not a pretty sight.
You boys turned out sexier
than I could've ever hoped.
Your safe word is "Jumanji."
Now, of course, as the oldest boy,
it was my responsibility
to avenge my father's death.
So I tracked that otter for two months
through the swamps of Louisiana.
And when I found him, well, let's just say
we both knew only one of us
was leaving those swamps alive.
Your safe word is "Yes."
Enjoy.
Hey, sweet thing.
Won't you come over here
and let Mama give you a massage?
I guess a massage sounds nice.
Yes, so I've been coming here
for about three years,
it's really good for business.
There's just something
about screwing strangers
that just really turns me on,
you know what I mean?
Usually, I have a room that has a peep hole
so that everybody can watch,
'cause people wanna watch,
you know what I mean?
And, one time, I was here with four old men,
and when I say old, I mean really old,
like, ages 75 to 80.
And I was afraid that
they wouldn't be able to get it up,
but I totally got them up.
So.
- Do you wanna fuck me?
- Yes.
Cool.
Oh, you are such a baby. How old are you?
Eighteen.
Mmm. Old enough.
You like Mama's massage?
That feels good.
You're very strong.
Do you want a happy ending?
Do you want me to stop?
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Sounds like your friend is having fun.
I love you.
I was yelling the safe word.
Why didn't you stop?
Jack?
What the fuck? Frog Boy?
Frog Boy.
Are you ready?
Yes.
This is how we Brits do it in America.
Duncan, we gotta go!
Jack, not now!
I just got a massage from Principal Raheem!
We have to leave now!
I'm gonna let you two figure this out.
How could you, Jack?
I was finally about to gel laid,
and you ruin it by being
a fuckin' huge cockblock!
I can't take you seriously with that boner.
If your friend wants to join,
I love threesomes.
We are not having a threesome.
Literally, all you had to do
was wait two minutes,
and I would've had
the greatest night of my life.
The greatest night of my life, bro.
Really? The greatest night of your life?
Are you on drugs?
Get it off! Get it off!
Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!
What is that? Is that lube?
She's not responding!
Fuck! Oh, God, Leslie, don't die on me!
You're too young and beautiful!
Police. Open up.
Stop your fucking immediately.
Up against the wall.
Spread it. Give me that!
Oh, we need to get the fuck out of here.
Shit! The car's blocked in!
They're gonna think we killed her.
We're gonna go to jail.
I'm gonna lose my virginity
to a bunch of big, black, hairy dudes,
and they're gonna fuck me in the ass, bro.
They're gonna bend me over
and fuck my tight little ass,
and there's nothing I can do about it!
I'm just gonna...
What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm getting out of here!
- You can't just fucking take her car!
You can't just leave her here!
Are you coming or not?
Ugh, fine!
Which one is it?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Would you stop pulling so hard on my ribs?
What the hell am I supposed to do?
You're literally taking up all the space.
Why don't you just get off
and let me go to this party by myself?
Ever since Kaylee pretended to like you,
you've just become such an asshole.
Get off.
- I'm not getting off.
- Get off!
- No!
- Fine, then I'll get off.
Oh, just walk away, you pussy.
You know what?
Today would've been a pretty good day
if you didn't take me
on that stupid blind date with you.
You wanted to go on that blind date
just as much as me,
so you could see your precious Kaylee.
Things with Kaylee would've been just fine
if you would've taken
our phones back from Goose,
or not have knocked out Amber.
And on top of that, you took us
to that stupid fucking sex party
where I was molested by Principal Raheem.
You know I could've easily
gone to the party by myself?
But, hey, I was trying to be a good friend
by talking to Tucker
so you could come with me.
A good friend?
- You think you're a good friend?
- Yeah.
You're the most selfish person
I've ever met!
Selfish.
You're calling me selfish?
All you've wanted to do the whole day
is meet up with some girl
that barely even knows your fucking name.
- Fuck you, Jack.
- Fuck you, Duncan.
I'm finding away in.
I'm glad this is gonna be the last night
we're gonna be together.
So am I.
Have fun banging the BLOB.
I'm sure you'll need a condom.
The fuck happened to you?
- Me?
- Yeah.
I was attacked and my car was stolen.
What happened to the little guy?
The one you let get away knocked me out.
I woke up, I don't know
where the fuck they are.
Holy fuck!
Okay, how about
don't get robbed by a teenager?
Okay? How about that?
And that little fucker, he stole my watch.
I'm gonna kill him. They're both gonna die.
I am gonna pull my gun on black guy.
Twilight... Dead.
Who cares about
your stupid fucking watch, okay?
What about your girlfriend, huh?
You know what, Goose? I'm done.
I'm done.
Oh, no, no, no, baby, don't leave me.
You know it's hard to find a white girl
that likes an Asian guy.
Come on. I love you so much, baby.
You're the love of my life. I love you.
For real?
Yeah, you know, sometimes
I know I'm not a good boyfriend,
but I do everything I can
to provide for my lady, you know.
You're my pookie bear.
Who my pookie bear?
I your pookie bear. Me.
You my pookie bear.
Okay, well, then kiss me if you mean it.
Oh, yeah? You want me to kiss you, baby?
Oh, my God, you will?
The party.
- Oh...
- Are you fucking serious?
The party. The party. The party.
Mom, change of plans.
You gonna drop us off at 1212 Rose Avenue.
Oh, us? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, honey.
You know what, Goose?
You and I are over.
Stick your two-inch dick in someone else.
Don't leave me, pookie bear.
It's not two inches, it's three. Hard.
Damn it!
What the fuck you want, bro?
I'm here for Tucker's party.
- Are you on the list?
- Yeah.
What's your first name?
Uh, Duncan.
Oh, yeah, Duncan.
Yeah, you're not on the fuckin' list.
What up, biatch?
Where are the girls?
And where the fuck are your clothes?
Tucker, I tried so hard.
First of all, we met up
with this really hot girl,
and she was supposed to bring
her really hot friend,
but then we got kidnapped by her boyfriend.
But luckily, we managed to escape.
Then we went to this crazy place
called the Pleasure Palace.
There was a king, and there was a midget,
and then I found this other hot girl,
and I was gonna bring her to the party,
but then she OD'd on coke.
Coke, man. Coke.
So I had to Segway
from there all the way to here.
Pretty much what I am trying to say is that
I tried so, so hard to get here,
and it would mean the world
if you could just let me in
and have some fun...
Fuck!
Dude. You can't come in.
Are you sure we can't make
an, uh, arrangement?
Yeah. I'm gonna need some clothes, too.
Let's go, fucking little bitches,
no more dudes.
Dude, are you okay? Fuck you, Topher.
Oh, yeah, you guys can still
fuck each other tonight.
- Aw, like we're gonna fuck each other.
- Yeah, we wouldn't do that, right?
Hey, Mr. Pickles, I'm coming.
Why's this door so hard to open?
Open, you piece of shit.
Mr. Pickles, are you ready
for your big moment, buddy?
Everyone's excited to see you.
Where are you, man?
What are you doing under the bed,
you little silly-willy?
What... No. No!
Oh, my God!
Who did this to you, Mr. Pickles?
What's wrong, Tucker?
Mr. Pickles was murdered! He's dead!
Don't worry, we'll find
the motherfucker who did this
and make them pay.
- Hold me.
- I'm here for you, man.
Damn.
The things I would do
to have one night with one of those girls.
The trick with girls is
you need to insult them.
Bring their self-esteem down,
and then go in for the kill.
Does that really work?
Yeah. This book I'm reading
has a whole chapter on it.
It also says, "Lowering the quality
raises the quantity."
Take her, for example.
That's the kind of girl we need to find.
The BLOB. Not her.
Not yet.
Them.
That color doesn't look good on you.
Excuse me?
And are you texting her
how much of a slut you are?
Seriously? That's your pickup line?
You guys are creeps.
And fuck you, Chocolate Rain.
Great advice, man.
And he's just, like, under my bed, dead.
I'm like, "Are you alive?"
He doesn't say anything
'cause he's dead, you know?
Look, you don't get it, okay?
Mr. Pickles was my best friend.
He's all I had.
He's all I ever had, and now he's dead.
And is it supposed to be okay?
No. I'm sad, okay?
Just tell her the truth.
Everything is gonna be fine.
Kaylee.
What the hell do you want?
I thought we were, you know,
gonna hang out a bit tonight.
Well, yeah, I wanted to
until you called me a fucking bitch.
Funny thing is, that wasn't me.
I was actually kidnapped earlier today.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That guy you spoke to on the phone,
that's the guy who kidnapped me.
His name is Goose.
- Goose?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Calling me a bitch is one thing.
But lying straight to my face?
And I thought you were one of the nice guys.
Stop the car! Stop! Stop, Mama, stop.
God damn.
Those two little shits
don't know what's coming to them.
Mama?
Yes?
Do you believe in me?
Ever since you were a little baby,
I knew you would be special.
You can do what you put your mind to.
I am gonna make you proud, Mama.
But make it fast
so I can see the end of my show.
- Okay, you'll watch your show.
- Yes, yes.
Those two little motherfuckers are dead.
That's right. Right. That's my son.
Yes.
My son.
All right, you little horny freaks,
stop grinding on each other for two seconds,
'cause I know we've been waiting all night
for the big surprise,
but wait no longer,
'cause right here, on stage,
performing his first ever original rap song,
the daddy of Mr. Pickles,
Mr. 10 Million Subscribers,
give it up, Tucker fucking Jones.
Check it out, check it out,
check it out, check it out. Oh, yeah.
Fuck me, Tucker!
Yo, this song right here
is dedicated to my cat, Mr. Pickles.
I found him murdered in my room earlier.
No!
But you know what? It's all good.
We got Topher
checking the security cameras,
- and we're gonna find that motherfucker.
- Yeah.
And we're gonna make him pay.
Play that shit.
# Yo!
# Tucker Jones on the mic, uh, yeah
# Back when I was 16
Captain of the football team
# Nothing could stop me
Until I hurt my knee
# Doc said I'd never play again, but I did
# I got tiger blood in me
# I'm here to win, biatch #
Kaylee, can I talk to you for a few seconds?
Can you give me, like, two minutes?
- What now?
- I really like you.
And I went through a lot of trouble
to see you here tonight.
Every time I see you, I get butterflies.
And I've never felt like that
before with someone.
I've had bad experiences
with people that lie. So...
# To all my haters, you can suck my balls
# To all my haters, you can suck my balls
# You can suck my balls
# To all my haters, you can suck my balls
# You can suck my balls
# You can suck my balls
That fucker stole my song!
# Sucky, sucky, sucky, suck my balls #
Can we go talk outside?
It's really loud in here.
- Uh, no, thanks, I'm good.
- Please?
Leave me alone.
Just let me go.
- Stop!
- Yo, stop the music, man.
Oh, no.
Tucker!
Yo, why did you
have your hands on her, bro?
And why the fuck are you wearing my jersey?
Leave him alone. I can handle this myself.
Yo, no one touches her except me, okay?
We broke up. I can do whatever I want.
Why don't you shut up, bitch?
Ooh...
She's not a bitch.
You're a bitch.
Oh, shit.
- What did you just say?
- I said, you're a bitch.
You were dating the most beautiful girl
in the whole world
and you treated her like shit.
- Yeah, so?
- You're an asshole.
She deserves someone better.
What? Someone like you?
Yes. Someone like me.
Yo, Tucker.
- It was him. He killed Mr. Pickles.
- What?
- No, I didn't.
- Oh, yeah, you did.
- We caught it on camera, too.
- Oh, no.
Oh...
Mr. Pickles?
What are you doing under the bed,
you little silly-willy?
Mr. Pickles, oh, my God!
Mr. Pickles has been murdered!
Hold me!
Yo, I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass, bro.
Freeze!
Nobody move!
All you kids having a good time, huh?
You drinking, having sex with each other.
Chuk, chuck. Okay?
And this guy singing.
Gay guy, "Oh, suck my ball, suck the ball."
No, thank you, I'm not gay,
but maybe tonight, okay?
Now, back away!
I have unfinished business
with my little cutie-pie right here.
- Oh, shit.
- Where's my car?
It's at the Pleasure Palace.
What the fuck is a Pleasure Palace?
It's where they have sex,
and there's a beaver and a midget.
Ooh, I love beaver-midget sex.
It get me hard, you know what I mean?
Give me my keys and my watch.
I don't have them.
And where's your black friend?
The one that looks like Whoopi Goldberg?
I don't know.
Hey, you Asian bitch,
you can't just come into my party
with a fucking gun,
acting like you own the place.
You need to fuckin' leave.
Look at this big guy talking to me, huh?
You think you're Superman
'cause you look like Brandon Routh?
I have HRS, Hidden Retard Strength.
I will fuck you!
Yeah, I wanna fuck you,
I wanna fuck you bad, bro.
I'm fucking loco.
Oh!
Whoo!
Oh, I'm gonna fuckin' enjoy this shit.
That was awesome!
Party's back on.
Shit, Tucker, wake up, dude.
Tucker? You just got knocked out, dude.
Who was that guy? He was gonna kill you.
That's the guy who kidnapped us.
- Is that the truth?
- Yeah.
That's the little Asian motherfucker
that wanted to fuck on me, huh? Fuck you!
I'm sorry.
Why the fuck are you guys still partying?
Someone help me.
Fuck, come on, Tucker.
All right, guys, now we're gonna
slow it down a little bit.
'Cause, here, to perform his original song,
You're Always Loved,
give it up for my boy Golden.
# She's the part in the movie
where it all adds up
# So caught up in her eyes
# Oh, can't look away, I'm hypnotized
- Look, man...
- No, you're right.
I'm an asshole. And I'm selfish.
I'm sorry I dragged you
into all of this shit tonight.
You don't need to apologize.
I shouldn't have called you a bad friend.
I was being selfish, too.
So, um, are we cool?
We're cool.
# I will be there, I'll be there
# When the words just come out wrong
# And you're sick of the love songs
# I will be there, I'll be there
Hey, do you mind
if I borrow Jack for a little?
Not now, Kaylee!
- Duncan.
- I'm just kidding.
Go ahead, my lady.
# I'll be there to help
# Oh, yeah
# And when you're giving up
# Just know you're always loved
# You're always loved #
Hey, I'm sorry about tonight.
I was being such a bitch.
I can't believe I...
I accept your apology.
God, he's so fat.
- Anyway, cheers, mate.
- Cheers.
You were a hero out there.
- Thanks.
- I made you a new note.
Tabitha, have you met my new best friend?
Hi, Tabitha.
I'll be right back.
That color doesn't look good on you.
Oh, really?
Scarlett?
It's me, Duncan.
You were my sex teacher this morning.
Oh, my God. Hey, you.
What are you doing here?
I'm Tucker's sister.
Oh, wow.
I'm so sorry.
Don't worry about it.
He had it coming for him.
He's a total dick.
You're so much more beautiful in real life.
Thanks.
I'm really sorry I cut our session short.
I know it sounds kinda weird,
but I was kinda turned on by
what you were doing to the doll.
Do you wanna
finish up the lesson in my room?
I would love nothing more.
Come on.
Wait.
I've got something I need to tell you.
What? You're a virgin?
How did you know?
I could tell.
Boober?
I can help you out with that.
Take off your fucking clothes.
Yes, ma'am.
Mmm.
You wanna learn about sex?
I'm gonna teach you
everything you need to know tonight.
Teach me everything.
You'll always remember your first time.
God bless America.
We're not virgins any more!
This is what we do.
South Africa and England.
- We go in your country and take your women.
- Whoo!
Boys, where have you been?
Your flight leaves in two hours.
I tried both your cells,
straight to voice-mail.
Sorry. Things got really, really crazy.
Were you guys at Tucker's party?
Go to your room, God damn it.
All right, guys,
you need to go pack your bags
'cause we have to leave now.
Oh, but, Jack, did you end up
hooking up with Kaylee?
Because all the moms are gonna wanna know.
She told me not to tell.
Yeah, I fucked Tucker's sister.
Okay, didn't need to know that.
All right, hurry up, go, go.
We should have sex tonight.
Jesus, Lisa, stop it.
So I guess this is it.
Dude, come visit me in London sometime.
Only if we get kidnapped and have an orgy.
Good times.
I love you.
Love you, too, man.
Oh, yeah, don't forget about this.
My phone.
I took it from Goose
after Tucker knocked him out.
You, sir, are a legend.
Kaylee sent you some nudes, by the way.
What?
I'm only kidding.
Kaylee said she's gonna
come visit me this summer.
Scarlett said she's gonna give me
free sex lessons when I get back.
- You deserve those.
- Thanks, man.
Let me know where
you're going for college, by the way.
I'm thinking about studying abroad.
Fuck yeah.
You're in, you're in. Come on, go, go.
- Fuck! Fuck!
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Shit.
- Wait. Wait.
Did you just come?
Yeah.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm fucking with you.
I've totally fucked up my lines!
Where's your black friend?
The one that looks like Whoopi Goldberg?
Whoopi Goldberg...
# I got a big dick #
"Sorry, I can't make it today.
"I'm too much of a pussy
to go meet some blind niggas."
You always say that.
You're not gay, but you'd fuck a guy.
I know. No condom either, you know.
Oh, look.
You were so heroic out there.
Who my pookie bear?
I am.
Yes.
Oh, fuck, my head.
Watch where you're going.
I'm gonna teach you everything
you need to know...
Okay, really? Really?
I'm fucking with you again.
Uh-oh!
Shit, cunt.
And let's just say, only one of us
left that swamp alive.
Somebody left that door open,
so you can just go on in, go ahead now.
That was good times. Have fun, Shalonda.
Yes!
You took so fucking long...
Okay, go do your thing.
That's my ride.
I'm just gonna hop on it.
That's what she said.
You think you're Superman
'cause you look like Brandon...
Do it again.
That hurt so bad.
Chef Nelson's or whatever
the fuck it's called.
Uh, Chef Nelson's. He's got a restaurant.
The crab shack.
Yeah.
Imagine getting tag-teamed by those two.
- I totally have. Huh? What?
- What?
Suck my balls, suck my balls,
suck my balls...
All right, this is the one.
Suck my balls, my balls.
Oh, fuck. Sorry!
Oh, there's an old saying,
"You open up the sleeping dragon,
"he might have sex with your mouth." Okay?
Hey, calm down, guys.
Hey we go, guys.
For fuck's sake!
- I don't know what to say.
- I don't know what to say to him.
Action.
Oh, my...
- What's funny?
- I don't know.
Everyone wants to go home, buddy.