Landline (2017) Movie Script
1
[birds tweeting]
[heavy breathing]
- Is this good?
- No.
- Sorry. Lower?
- Yeah, yes.
- Good, good.
- Okay.
This is awesome.
[breathing heavily]
- You can come if you want to.
- Okay, I'm about to.
- Good.
- Are you gonna come?
- Eh...
[fly buzzes]
Did you hear that?
- Huh?
- Like a woodland creature
pitter patter?
- Okay, the plan is to have
sex in the woods.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. Are you okay?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- You sure?
- Because I kind of feel like
maybe you're not into it.
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, my God.
I fell. I'm sorry. A bug.
- What is it?
- Sorry.
- Okay.
- A spider.
I'm sorry.
- [sighs]
No, it's okay. It's cool.
- I'm not a woodland person.
- [kiss]
Okay.
Do you want me
to help you finish or--
- No, I--my parents.
- Okay.
- Let's get in the car.
- Lights, trash, door.
- Traffic's gonna be
a nightmare.
- Bye, house,
see you next summer.
- What did you put
in these bags?
- I have no idea.
- It's like dead bodies.
- Here and here.
Up front, please.
- Pat, can I help
with anything?
- Ali, Ali, Ali, no.
No, no, no!
No.
- I rode bitch here.
- Okay
- Okay?
- No, and you can
ride it back.
- I don't want to.
- Well...
- Guys, I can sit
in the middle.
- Hit it.
all:
Bring me a higher love
Oh oh
Bring me a higher love
Oh oh
- Break me a higher love
- Oh, Dana.
- Do it.
- It's "bring."
- What?
- "Bring."
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- "Break me a higher love"
like...
Like you--like you
have to break me
if you want me to love
like on such a high plain.
- Alan, is it bring or break?
- Ben's right, sweetie.
"Bring."
- Break...
- Ali, I revised
the Michigan app.
So do you want to talk through
the comments with me or...
- Not really because
I don't want to go there.
- Honey, you need to cast
a wide net.
- Yeah, I'm sorry my future
is so stressful for you,
but I'm not applying there.
- I didn't say
it was stressful.
- Guys, you really need
to get a grip, okay?
Because Ali doesn't want
to go anywhere
unless everybody wears berets
and all they all smoke
clove cigarettes
and they all make
their own hummus
but they eat it
out of Frisbees.
- I can see
your boyfriend's come stain.
- Ali!
- Shut up!
- God.
- It's her fiance.
You can see
her fiance's come stain.
- God, it smells like
a K.D. Lang concert
down there.
- Shut up! Shut up!
- Fuck you.
- Shut up!
- Take a chill pill, please?
- Fuck you!
- It's not new for me
to be able to say swears.
Slow down, sweetie.
- Hey, guys, relax.
- Bring me a higher love
Oh yeah
A higher love
Higher higher higher
Bring me a higher love
[muted TV sounds]
- Have yourself a dental dam.
But, of course, I'm going
to be using this later
so I don't want
to ruin this later.
- Suck my dick.
Kim Deal's my hero.
Whatever.
[knocking]
- School starts
in eight hours.
- Okay, give me seven seconds.
- It's after midnight.
- I'm getting off.
- Good night, Jed.
- No, I think she has
a crush on you.
- Ali.
- Okay, good night.
[laughs]
- Jed speaks.
What was he saying?
- I don't know.
Butt stuff.
- [laughs]
Oh, I love you, good night.
[door shuts]
- Love you.
[traffic sounds]
- Thank you.
- This is for you.
- Great belt.
Oh, I think
I'm getting a rash.
- You got to stop
touching that.
- So, is this guy you're seeing,
is this the--
[flutters lips]
What do you call it?
Smash slam poetry?
- Ew, no, no.
No, I broke up with him.
No, this guy
is a performance artist.
- Oh.
- Major upgrade.
- We ended up drinking
on his roof
and having one of those
epic conversations
until the sun comes up,
you know the kind?
- Ben and I spent
three hours at Blockbuster.
And, uh, we got "Curly Sue."
- Sexual.
- It's a good film.
[laughs]
In fact, it's really funny.
[laughs]
- Mr. Rubicky
Has got
a very small dicky
[both laugh]
[giggles]
He lost it
in his car
His dick has traveled
so far
[both giggle]
Go and kick him
in the nuts
He's a motherfucking putz
- Mm-hmm.
- That's--that's it.
That's all I have.
- That was the best song ever.
- Do you have
any perfume?
My mom's like
a drug-sniffing dog.
- Perfume. I don't think
dudes wear--
- Like, some of that
man spray.
- This stuff.
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
- Here we go.
- Okay. Spray me.
- Oh, okay. Right.
[spraying]
- Whoa, that's a lot.
[laughs]
I didn't want a lot.
Hi.
- Hey, there.
- Oh.
- Floor, please.
What is that?
You got schmutz all over here.
What is that?
Did you parallel park yet?
I'm very good at it,
so it should be
a cinch for you.
- Smells good.
- Don't get too excited.
It's leftovers.
- [sighs]
You know, when kids
in my class wore shoes like this
it meant they had polio.
- Yes, they do look
a little corrective.
- What did you do today?
- Crack.
- You know what I did?
I wrote beautiful copy
for fake Oreos.
- [laughs]
- Anyone for a Yum Yum?
- Aw, yeah.
- Honey, that stuff
will give you cancer.
- Guess what?
George offered to host a reading
of my play at his house.
- That's great, honey.
Plenty of booze, no food,
a bunch of self-righteous
Upper West Siders.
Hey, has anyone spoken
to Dana this week?
There is a sale at Kleinfeld's.
- Did they pick a date?
Because I bet
it's my birthday.
- No, not yet.
I was hoping the dress
would sort of get her excited.
- So you'll come
to the reading then?
- I don't know,
are you inviting me?
- I want the whole family.
You, Ali, me, Ben, and...
you know, what's her face,
the one with the D.
- Yes, Dana.
- Douchebag.
- Her name is not douchebag.
That's too German.
Douchebag.
Dana Douchebag.
[muted chatter]
[water spraying]
- Okay, switch.
Okay, I need to wash.
- Okay, hold on.
Wait a second.
- What?
- What is that?
- What?
- Right there, that rash.
- [gasps]
Oh my God. Come on!
- Sorry, sorry.
It's on your arm too.
- Oh, I've been itching
all week.
- [garbled mumbling]
I think you might
have poison ivy.
- What?
Excuse me.
- What?
- How did I get poison ivy?
- That was a joint decision.
- You gave me poison ivy.
- It's probably
in my vagina.
- You want me to look?
- No! Geez.
- Oh, I should probably
pee on you.
- [laughs]
That move is for jellyfish.
I'm not stupid.
- No, it's for poison ivy too.
- [laughs]
- I think it is.
- You want to pee on me?
[laughs]
- Here we go, here we go.
- No! We just have--
- Shh!
- Are you doing it?
- Just quiet down.
- All right, do it, do it.
- I can't pee on command.
- Do it before I change my mind.
Do it, do it.
- Listen, okay, there it is.
- Oh my God.
- You want me to stop.
- No.
- No?
- I like it.
[sitar music]
- He was touring
with the Grateful Dead
for, like, many months.
So I don't even know
what this place is or--
- He wasn't touring.
He was following them.
He probably has lice.
- Making grilled cheese
sandwiches in the parking lot.
- [gasps]
- Hey, Ravi!
- Oh my God.
- Oh my God. Look at you.
- Look at me?
Look at you.
- You're back. Aw.
- Embrace me, brother.
Embrace me.
You get a head hug too.
- Hi, I'm Ben.
What's your--what's your name?
- This is--this is Table.
- Table?
- Off the bat,
she's taken a vow of silence.
- Oh, okay. That makes sense.
- Wow.
Just in time for the party.
- Dude, we got to catch up.
- Yeah, yeah, let's catch up.
- You good?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- She's so good.
- Hurry.
- Okay.
- Let's go, let's go.
- Benjamin.
- Look at this.
- Benjamin.
- Guys, make room
for Table as well.
[indistinct chatter]
[sitar music plays]
- Did you see
what Ravi's new look is?
- [laughs]
I think he sews it himself.
- Can you imagine the Ravi
we knew in college--
- Yeah. It's different.
- Looking into the future
and seeing this?
- I know.
Well, I guess it's...
the influence of, you know,
Mrs. Table, yeah.
- He's soon to be, Mr. Table.
[laughs]
- Yeah. Hey, good for him.
- It's really sweet.
- I'm still looking
for my Table.
- [laughs]
- I really am though.
This girl
I was just with
showed up to a date
wearing a ski mask.
- [laughs]
- Serious.
She said she wanted
to know my personality
before I knew her face.
- Was she...
a normal person?
- She was kind of
a mean drunk.
[both laugh]
- [snorts]
- I'm really happy to see that
you never kicked your snort.
- I don't want
to talk about it.
- This one made it
on a foot loom.
It was slamming.
She made all of them.
Dowels, we made
like a thousand dowels.
- What is that?
- [laughs]
It's an engagement ring.
- You finally did it.
- [sighs]
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
[soft music]
[door slams]
[thumping electronic music
playing]
- Come with me.
- I'm going to go
with Sophie.
- That's so whack.
- It will help me study.
[indistinct chatter]
- That's not coke.
- I know, it's H.
- Holy shit.
Are we really just going
to do this right now?
- I did it with Danny
last week.
It's really not scary.
It's like climbing
back into the womb.
You won't even have
to do that much.
[sniffs]
- Call my mom
if I die.
[sniffs]
[sniffs]
[sighs]
[thumping music]
[exhales]
[sniffs]
[sipping]
[soft music]
[shuffling disks]
[electric whirring]
What?
[clicking mouse]
[clicking mouse]
[clicking mouse]
[gasps]
[whispers]
What the fuck?
[clicking mouse]
Holy fuck, Dad.
[clicking]
[dot matrix printer printing]
- In celebration
of the contributions
women make in every aspect...
- Ah, gotcha.
- Doesn't that hurt?
- This from the guy who's
gonna row over his own balls.
- As mothers, wives, sisters,
daughters...
- Wow, I love that suit.
- Traffic is gonna
be a nightmare.
We better leave soon.
- I thought we were
going to talk to Ali?
- Can we talk tonight?
She's not going clubbing
in the middle of the day.
- She went out again
last night.
I saw her pile of clothes
when I took out the trash.
- Detective Pat.
- God forbid she'd dislike you
for five seconds.
- This is not me leaving you
to be bad cop, all right?
- Bad cop.
I'm barely a crossing guard.
- All right, I really
will talk to her tonight.
I promise.
What do you think?
Two weeks no phone?
And that includes Jed.
- You know the boy's name.
- Uh-huh.
- Hmm.
- No.
- What are you, a mime?
- Yes, I studied in France.
Actually, I'm a crossing guard,
and you can't pass
without paying the toll.
[kissing]
- We may help bring
new dignity and respect...
- That is a nice suit.
- [knocking]
You up?
Bullshit.
[muted traffic noise]
[siren wailing in distance]
- McCann Erickson?
[British accent]
- Mr. Jacobs, please?
- May I ask who's calling?
- Tell him it's C.
- Please hold.
- Yeah, I'll hold.
- We all know
what we're breathing.
Whether or not he knows
that it's the same air
that jackass Giuliani
is breathing.
[laughter]
He's pouring all his money
into the police department.
Meanwhile, the rest of us
need to fight for
a different kind of enforcement.
- Pat?
Solid Waste Disposal reforms
is pushing to 3 p.m.
- Okay.
- Grannis is on line two.
And Congressman Hinchey
just called
about the cement plants again.
- Okay.
- Also, Iris
from Dalton called.
Alexandra hasn't
signed in yet.
- Uh, Alexandra
has the flu.
- [sighs]
Again? Try ginseng.
- I don't know that is.
I'll take Grannis now.
[traffic sounds]
- Thanks. Bye.
[coins jingling]
[coin clunking]
[clicking]
- You have four messages.
[beep]
- Dana, it's Laura.
You haven't gotten back to me
about book club.
You said you were
bringing the mahjong tiles.
[beep]
- Hey, babe.
I'm going to be home late.
I'm having some drinks
with some work peeps tonight.
Can you grab
some toilet paper?
[beep]
- Hi, this message
is for Dana Jacobs.
This is Samuel
from the Water Club.
If you're still interested
in having your wedding here,
please call me back at--
[beep]
- Hi, Dana, it's Mom.
There is a sale at Kleinfeld's
this weekend.
- Ugh!
[coin drops]
[sighs]
[coins jingle]
[coin drops]
Hi, this is Dana calling.
I just wanted to relay
a message to Kim and David
that I'm not going to be able
to make the staffing meeting
today.
I've eaten something wrong.
[laughs]
At lunch, and I just feel like
I need to be near
my own restroom.
Dana Jacobs.
I do our layout.
[laughs]
Yeah.
[groans]
[coin drops]
[muted rock music playing]
[cash register beeping]
[clicks]
[world music plays]
[man singing in foreign
language]
[muted world music]
[shrieks] Oh, no.
- [laughs]
- [laughs]
Whatever.
- It's okay.
Your secret's safe with me.
I won't tell anyone
you dance to world music.
- I'm not ashamed.
I think it's good
to like music from our world.
[laughs]
- Sorry, you had
a little hairball.
- [laughs]
- Where's, um...
Uh?
- Ben?
- Ben, where's Ben?
- He's at work.
What? Can nobody hang out
alone anymore?
- I feel deeply alone
at all times.
- I say accept it.
This is my first day alone
since, I don't know, 1982,
and I am really digging in.
First, I'm doing this,
and then I'm gonna skip dinner.
I'm going to go
to Serendipity,
get a frozen hot chocolate,
eat it all by myself
and then--
- Want to get a bite to eat?
- With you?
[rock music playing]
- Oh. You just had that
on hand?
- It's cool.
The cops raided this place
last night.
So we're safe tonight.
- Oh, you know what,
I have a job to get to.
- I'm kidding.
Jesus, sit down and smoke this.
- It's on fire.
[sighs]
[embers crackle]
So, do you have
any more tales
from the dating front?
- Uh, last week a girl
asked if she could strangle me.
- [spits]
- Well done.
- Don't look over here. Oh!
- I think you got
the musician.
- I would say
we'd get kicked out,
but nobody here cares
about anything.
[laughs violently]
- Yeah, you know...
All I really want
is a nice Jewish Italian girl
who just wants
to sit on the couch with me.
Watch "Mad About You."
- [laughs]
Yeah, well, Helen Hunt
has really perfected
the frontal wedgie.
So, tune in for that.
[giggles]
I wonder where
Helen's vagina is.
Just kidding.
We can all see it
in prime time.
- Yeah.
[laughs]
How about you and Ben?
You guys watch a lot
of Must-See TV together?
- Yeah.
[laughs nervously]
- Sounds really nice.
- Oh, save it.
You don't have to say that.
- I'm being serious.
- Yeah, it's nice.
It's very good.
It's good. We--you know.
It's very totally good.
We just brush our teeth,
and we take our clothes off,
and we get into bed,
and, if he reaches
for the candle,
I know that we're going
to have sex to the 11:00 movie.
That's really rude.
That's not even what I mean.
That's a real asshole remark
to make, Dana.
[clears throat]
[exhales]
They really got
the heater on in here, right?
[burps]
Oh my goodness.
[laughs]
[sipping]
- How you feeling?
- Mmm, mmm.
- Mellowing out a little?
[both laugh]
- You know, I think that
the last we got stoned together
was...in your dorm room.
- I remember that, I think.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
We had a four-hour
conversation about dinosaurs.
- [laughs]
- And I then I think
some clothes came off.
- [laughs]
[sighs]
So fun.
I should go home.
- Yeah, okay.
- Whoa.
[laughs]
- You okay?
- Yeah.
I should get a cab.
- Okay, go ahead.
[sighs]
Shit.
[moans]
[moans]
Uh, oh my God.
[muted talk show chatter]
- You came from Second City,
didn't you?
- Mm-hmm.
- Were you in the main company?
- Main stage.
- Hey.
- I have to pee so bad.
- I'm reading
Hammacher Schlemmer.
They're advertising
the world's fastest razor blade.
There's an inversion machine
and a lot of luggage.
Babe?
- Hmm?
[gags, spits]
- Are you okay?
- I'm going to the bathroom.
- No fucking way.
KGB surveillance binoculars?
What the fuck?
Kitten Toe!
You can buy as many
as you want.
You can hook 'em up
to form a kitten village.
You can build
your own kitten village.
Babe, there's some his and hers
trench coats in here.
It says that they're packable.
I don't know what's different
about that
than regular trench coats,
but whatever.
She we go stone
or pale putty?
- Pale putty.
- This is fucking awesome.
- [whispers] Oh, my God.
[rock music]
[indistinct chatter]
- Now it feels like
I'm on fire
It's burning low
[muted radio]
[knocking]
- Incoming.
- [shuts radio off]
Looks like Chernobyl in here.
- Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
- So you want to tell me why
I'm getting calls from school
asking where you are?
Or should I tell you
what I think I know?
- Cool choices.
- Hey.
- You tell us you did well
on the Vonnegut essay.
Meanwhile, I see you got an 83.
- You went through my stuff?
- Didn't go through your stuff.
It was on your desk.
- Well, what's an 83,
like, like a B?
- Yeah!
God, it's a good grade.
You freak.
- Your mom is trying to say
that you're smarter than a B.
- But dumb enough
to leave enough clubbing clothes
in the stairwell.
- Not entirely your fault.
We did take you
to Studio 54 in utero.
[laughs]
- You want to tell her
about the Quaaludes?
- Okay. You got me.
I got a B,
and I have a life.
You're real fucking detectives.
- Don't you fucking
detective me.
- You wanna know what I think?
both: No.
- I think we should
just let her get a B.
Let her sneak out.
Hopefully, she'll get mugged.
Most people learn
from failure.
- Wow. Well, you would know.
You're the king.
- No wonder he hates you.
- What?
- Excuse me?
- You're reckless.
And grounded.
- Both of you
are so fucked!
- Stop cursing!
Just stop it for once, Ali.
- Just get out!
- Should of just done it myself.
I was alone in there
anyway.
[phone rings]
- Hey.
There's a 6:44.
Just meet me there now.
[slamming phone]
[clattering]
- [sighs]
[distant footsteps]
[door opening]
[door slams]
- Great, she's going out
to get mugged.
- [sighs]
No one's getting mugged.
She's too scary.
[muted announcements
over loudspeaker]
[train clattering]
[crickets chirp]
[distant train horn]
- You have to be
really quiet, okay.
[sighs]
[keys jingling]
Oh, fuck.
Uh!
[reggae music plays]
[kissing]
- Did you bring condoms
this time?
- Yeah, should I get 'em now?
- Yeah.
[laughs]
[zipping]
- Should I put it on now?
[siren blaring in distance]
[reggae music plays]
[heavy breathing]
- [sighs]
[sighs]
Is the CD skipping?
- I don't think so.
- Dude, it's totally skipping.
[music stuck on loop]
- Oh, are you fucking
kidding me?
That's embarrassing.
[clunking]
[laughter, music continues]
- Nice shot.
- Thanks.
[dramatic music plays on TV]
- Mind you have work to do.
- You hear that?
[distant rustling]
- It's probably a bear.
- Probably a bear?
- [snickers]
You're such a city kid.
- There's a bear outside?
- They can't open doors,
can they?
- How do you know that?
[tense TV music]
[thudding]
All right.
[exhales]
[door squeaks]
- Ah!
- Ah! Ah!
- [screaming]
- Dana! Dana!
- [hysterical screaming]
- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?
- I asked you first.
- [exhales]
- I'm Jed.
- Okay.
[flutters lips]
- Can you not tell Mom
I'm here, please?
- No, obviously I'm going
to tell Mom that you were here.
- God, you're like
a tattle-tail. You bitch!
- Actually, I'm an adult
who was coming for a quiet
weekend in the country
and found her home invaded,
and, yeah, I'm gonna tell mom
that you were here
in your underwear.
With...
- Jed.
- Jed.
[laughs]
- And both of you
need to leave right now.
- No! What--you leave.
We were here first.
- You are such an irritant!
You're a little piece
of toilet paper
that gets stuck
to somebody's shoe.
- You're like the embodiment
of constipation, okay.
- [scoffs]
Okay.
[laughs]
All right, great.
You can stay. Fine.
But he needs to leave.
And you can take him
to the train station
because you have
your learner's permit.
- No, I can't because I need
a parent to be in the car.
- Oh, please stop
Frenching in front of me.
Stop Frenching
in front of me.
[kissing]
- Why don't you
just come back with me?
- I think my sister might be
having a nervous breakdown.
[10,000 Maniacs'
"Like the Weather" plays]
I need to make sure
she doesn't tell my mom.
[distant train horn]
[car horn beeps]
Is your drug store underwear
that deep up your ass?
- What?
- See you later.
- [sighs]
- But by the force of will
My lungs are filled
And so I breathe
- [sniffs]
- Lately it seems this big bed
is where...
- Is he your boyfriend?
- Not really.
- Do you guys have sex?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
[sighs]
So, Mom has no idea
where you are?
- Does Ben know
where you are?
- Well, that's different
because Ben is not
my mom.
I'm here because
I needed to get away,
and you're a child.
You know, and you ran away
from home, and that's--
- I did not run away
from home.
I went to our family's
country house.
How much more vanilla
can that scenario get?
- Shiver in my bones
just thinking...
- Look at us
having sister time.
- Are you going to, like,
try and braid my hair later?
- Do you want
to go swimming?
- What a cold
and rainy day
[splashing]
[both scream]
- [laughs]
This is the best sports drink
I've ever had.
- That's because
it's Whiskey Mountain Dew.
- It's because it's what?
- It's Whiskey Mountain Dew.
- [laughs]
- Whoo! Hoo!
- [laughs]
Did I do that?
- Three Mississippi, four.
- You think you could ever
be a synchronized swimmer?
Do everything
that I do.
[laughs]
- I could definitely do this.
- Can you do that?
[splashes]
- Can you not, please?
- Big splash. Stop!
[splashing]
- Ow! Stop! Stop!
Ow, God!
What's your problem?
Why do you play so rough?
- God, calm down.
- Seriously, why do you have
to go so hard at everything?
You ruin everything.
- Fuck you, cunt.
- [groans]
- Sorry.
Ali!
- [inhales]
- Ali.
[bubbling]
Ali!
Stop!
[splashes]
Stop!
I don't like horse play.
I don't like pranks.
I don't like this.
I don't like it.
- [exhales]
Dad's having an affair.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, wait till
you get to April.
He had a haiku phase.
- Why does he sometimes
refer to himself
as "her Pillsbury Dough Boy"?
- Oh, it's because
he calls his dick "dough."
- Oh, Jesus. God.
- Yeah.
- Just broke my brain.
- Fucking--I hate him.
Okay, I hate him.
- You don't hate him.
- I do though.
- You don't.
- Why should I not?
- I don't think that...
we should say anything to Mom
until we know what this is.
- If I were Mom,
I would chop off that dough
Loretta Bobbitt style.
- It's not--it's Lorena.
- I got a strong feeling that
he's in love with someone else.
- She cut off an entire penis.
You should say her name right.
- I can tell that
he's in love with someone else.
- I think she threw it
out a window as well.
- And he doesn't even
have to be fucking her.
What's going on is that he's
emotionally cheating on Mom.
- You watch way too much Oprah.
"Emotionally cheating."
And maybe it's just
a fantasy,
which--
[flutters lips]
to be honest
is totally healthy.
It's just, you know,
a totally healthy thing
to have--to have fantasies.
[sighs]
[clicking]
- I lost my heart
Under the bridge
To that little girl
So much to leave
- Do, do-do-do
Look what I found.
- Oh, my God.
- In mother's wardrobe.
- Looks so good!
Wow!
- Never know
Just what I found
- I have something to say.
I have something
that I feel that...
if I don't share it...
it will stay inside of me
and start to eat me alive.
- Please, say it.
- [sighs]
[groans]
I slept with somebody,
and it is not Ben.
- Ow.
- What?
- I know, I know.
- Whoa.
- I really...liked it.
- Oh.
- My body, like,
really responds.
Ugh.
- [stutters]
We're just like
a family of cheaters.
- I just have to get it out.
I just have to say
"I'm Dana,
"and I'm a cheater,
and I'm a Mountain Dew drinker."
- Yeah, and you're
a come guzzler.
- [flutters lips]
Sold.
- Okay.
Thanks for telling me.
- I just think maybe
this is a sign
that there's somebody else
that I'm supposed to be,
that it's trying
to get out of me.
- Okay, yeah. Okay.
What's her name?
[clicking]
[Stacey Q's "Two of Hearts"
playing]
- Ba...delia.
- Badelia?
- And I'll tell you what.
Badelia's very fun to be.
A lot of people
don't get to be Badelia.
Badelia is
a little bit wicked.
- Uh-huh.
- She's wild.
She makes her own choices.
And Badelia has secrets,
and secrets can be rather fun.
You know what else?
Double triple lunge!
- Oh!
- Mikhail Baryshnikov.
- Two of hearts
I need you, I need you
- I like dancing.
I don't think I've ever
danced with you before.
- It's really nice to hear you
say yes instead of no.
- No!
- [laughs]
- Come on, come on
[distant vacuuming]
- Anyone home?
Mom?
- Mom?
- Mom?
- Oh, Jesus.
- Sorry.
I love you.
I love you.
- And I love you too.
What's going on here?
- I love you.
I just wanted you to know.
And I love everything you do.
Busting dust.
- Where's Dad?
- He's at his writing workshop.
I called Sophie's mom.
Do you want to tell me
where you really were?
- Oh, she was at my place.
Ali!
- Sorry I scared you.
- [exhales]
What is that? Laundry?
- Oh, I was actually
hoping to crash here
for a few days,
if that's possible.
If you have room.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.
- What about you?
How long do you
plan on staying?
- Uh, until I'm 40.
- All right, that works for me.
- Thanks for bringing
this stuff.
- I'm just so surprised.
Are you okay?
- [sighs]
Yeah, I'm fine.
- It's just crazy.
Your dad doesn't seem like
the type to have a mistress.
He seems like--
don't take this the wrong way--
but, like, too pussy to cheat.
- What did you say?
- What?
What?
- Say "pussy" again.
- Oh my God.
- Say it.
- Umm...
Aren't you supposed
to be at work right now?
- I called in sick.
[kissing]
- This is nice.
- You can bite me
if you want.
You want to bite me?
- Oh. No.
- Do you?
- Oh God.
Does anybody--oh my God.
Is anybody here?
[breathing heavily]
Okay.
- Tell me how good
my pussy feels.
Tell me.
- Huh?
- Tell me how good
my pussy feels.
- Oh my God, I don't want to.
- Do it.
- It feels great.
It feels great.
- Say it.
- Why are you barking at me?
- What do you want? Tell me how
it feels on your dick.
Tell me how my pussy
feels on your dick.
- If I told you to tell me how
good my dick felt in your mouth,
you'd call 911.
- Okay.
Let's call the police.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.
- [sighs]
- What's happening?
- [scoffs]
Well, we were fucking,
and then you ruined it.
[grunts]
- Okay.
- [sighs]
You can't even
say "pussy" to me?
- I can say it.
- I asked you to say it,
and you didn't say it.
- Just not all the time.
- No, it's not all the time.
I asked you to say it one time,
and if mine is the only one
you're ever going to see
then you need to figure out how
to say the word "pussy" to me!
- [laughs]
What's happening right now?
- [sighs]
Ow. Ow!
- Ow. Ow!
- Sorry.
You know I would never
write erotic poetry
to another woman.
Because I can't read or write.
- That's not funny.
- Okay, sorry.
I'm just trying to tell you
that I would never
cheat on you.
If that's what
you're worried about,
I'm here, and if you want to
talk or you don't want to talk
or you want to keep saying
"pussy" over and over
until it gets weird
we can do that too.
- Can you hand me those jeans?
- Um, when are you
coming home?
- I just want to be here
for Ali right now, okay.
She needs me.
So, I'm going to stay here
for a few days.
And I'll call you tonight.
[traffic noise]
- He accepted
the German terms.
- Oh!
- But after
the unconditional surrender,
the Nazis bombed the city
anyway.
[explosions onscreen]
- [sighs]
You okay?
- Yeah.
[laughs]
- [sips]
- Ooh!
[explosions onscreen]
- You can't deny that
there's a lot of energy
and confidence
behind that.
- They knew how to sing too.
- [laughs]
- No, don't do that.
Don't do that.
- What's wrong?
- What?
- Why?
- Because we're not--
Somebody could see that.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
- You're worried about
the matinee crowd in here?
These guys?
What's--what's the matter?
- I'm sorry.
I was supposed to see
that movie with Ben.
He likes Nazi stuff.
- Well, you should go again,
you know.
You seemed a little...
distracted at certain moments.
- You're so perverted.
- I don't think you were
quite giving Adolf
your full attention.
- You're full of it.
[laughs]
[sighs]
All these old people in love
are making me feel
like a whore.
- Are you kidding?
- No.
- Did you see what
those two old people were up to?
- No.
- It was really--
It was really gross.
- No, you're gross.
- You're having
a torrid affair.
- You can't torture me.
[laughs]
- Hey, I think I love you.
- What? What?
- Just kidding.
- Don't do that.
- [laughs]
- That's psycho.
- I don't know.
Maybe I do.
It's hard to tell,
you know.
I'm probably dead inside.
- You're so irresponsible.
That is such a psycho thing.
That's such a psycho thing
to say for so many reasons.
- Am I very irresponsible?
[traffic noise]
[soft music]
- What time is it?
- Oh, I don't know,
and I'm fine with that.
I'm doing this thing
where I say
I leave the watch at home.
I release myself
from my schedule.
I go about my day.
- That could be C.
That could be C.
- That?
- Oh!
- That lady would break
Dad in half.
That is not love.
I do love her trench.
So many trenches.
- Yeah, I kind of want one.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Should I?
- You would look
just like a French film star.
- Are you serious?
- I am so sold on it.
- Okay.
That's going to be you
in 20 years.
- Hey! Oh!
- No.
Such a diss.
[laughs]
Well, guess what, babe,
you're going to be married
to that.
A gentleman like that.
- Oh shit.
- Passion--
- No, it's Dad.
- Oh my God! What's the plan?
- Hurry.
- [grunting]
Ow.
- Just get up.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- Move your ass.
- Hey.
- Get down. Get down.
- Huh?
Oh, I don't want
to see this.
- What's he doing?
- Hey.
- Hey, Alan.
- I missed you.
Feel better?
- All right.
- You were sick, right?
- Oh, don't have that
for lunch.
- Sauerkraut, mustard.
- He's getting
a fucking hot dog.
- Cholesterol nightmare.
[indistinct TV chatter]
- Driving on nine
- What the hell is
going on with her?
- I have no fucking clue.
I thought I was going
to be planning her wedding,
not feeding her
Lucky Charms.
- [sighs]
- Bye, sweetie.
- Have a great day!
- Driving on nine
I sure miss you
Past the motel
Looking at the pines
[robotic voice]
- You have one new message.
[beep]
- Hi, it's me.
I'm sorry that we keep
missing each other.
I need to stay here
for a few more days.
Just call me back.
[beep]
- Hey.
- Going by
- Hello.
- Driving on by
- What are you doing?
- Just borrowing a shirt.
What are you doing?
- It's my closet.
- [grunting]
God, yeah...
Can't control my arm.
[laughs]
Teri! You're crazy!
[indistinct chatter]
- Driving on by
- Whoa! Oh!
[laughs]
- Gotcha.
[kissing]
Oh my God.
What is that?
- It's an eyebrow ring.
- Yes, it is.
- Well?
- Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez.
- Shut up.
- I love it.
- You do?
- Yeah.
It's, like, really hot.
- [laughs]
- It's like squatter-hot.
[kiss]
- No, don't, don't, don't.
- What?
- Don't--don't touch it.
Because I don't want it
to get infected.
- Really?
It's un--untouchable?
- Aw, fuck it, I don't care.
[kissing]
Let's have drinks.
- Let's do that.
- Let's have so many.
[snoring]
- You have to get up, Dana.
Dana!
Oh my God, you barfed.
- No, I didn't.
- This is how Hendrix died.
- Okay?
- [groans]
- You can't kick me.
I'm trying to help you.
- I can't!
- I have to go to school, Dana.
- I don't.
- You have to go to work.
Let's go to the bathroom.
- No, don't do it.
Shut up.
- Oh my God, I'm gonna kill you.
- If you want
to use the bathroom,
then use the bathroom
by yourself.
- I don't need
to use the bathroom.
- I'm not here
to be your counselor!
- I have to go to school.
Your butt crack's in my face.
- Good, then enjoy it.
[laughs]
- What?
Ben called again last night.
For the millionth time
in two weeks.
- [groans]
- I don't think
he's going to keep calling.
[snaps]
- Oh.
- Dance, Badelia, dance!
- Oh my God, Ali.
[waves lapping]
- I'm locked in here
while the world continues
to buzz around me.
I've become nothing
but a plant to water.
A piece of furniture
to dust.
I'm vanishing.
Turning into skin particles
floating around the apartment.
Particles that bore me.
Two sons
and one miscarriage.
[pages turning]
[whispering]
It's your line.
- It's on page 74.
Sorry, everyone.
- That was a shit show.
- My God, did you hear
my stomach growling?
It was like another character
in that play.
You know--thank you--
it was just so--
- Badly written?
- I'm not really concerned
with the quality of Dad's work.
- I'm glad it's
a pile of shit, okay.
If it were better, more people
might actually see it.
Mom would be
even more humiliated.
- Do you think that she was?
- He made us boys
and put the mother in a coma.
- Good point.
[indistinct chatter]
- Someone who can capture that
like Carla.
Do you know Carla?
- Uh-uh.
Carla?
- Ah, thanks for coming.
- Holy shit.
[indistinct chatter]
I think that's C.
- Oh my God.
- What do we do?
- This old lady
just pinched my ass
and winked at me.
Are you old enough
to drink?
- Mind your own business.
- I will take that from you,
thank you very much.
I am leaving.
I have a splitting headache.
[kiss]
And that's getting infected.
- I know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I will see you at home.
- Oh...
I can't believe
we're all just
in C's house right now.
- Yeah, I'm going to take
a dump in her bed.
- Who--who is C?
- Who are you?
I'm going to go snoop
in her medicine cabinet.
- [gasps]
- Wow.
Not a fan.
- No, C is my dad's mistress.
- Wow.
That's funny, I was thinking
she looks like your mom.
- Yeah, that's really funny.
- She's a terrible actress.
- This is the home that
she shares with her husband.
Why would my dad
bring us here?
- Yeah, and also
you brought me here, you know.
It's like a play
within a play.
There's even someone
in a coma.
- Why would he do it
to my mom?
And in front of
his teenage daughter.
- Yeah, it's twisted.
Let's get out of here.
- I don't want to--
I'm not in the mood to--
whatever.
- Are you worried
about your sister?
- Yeah.
- She's gonna be fine.
- Well, that's--
how do you know that?
- Because we're grown-ups.
We all know monogamy
is impossible.
So it's better she learns
that now from her own family
than have it be some
like forbidden fruit
that tears her heart out
later in life.
- Is that what you believe?
- [laughs]
Look at us, you know.
- Oh my God.
[all singing]
Happy birthday to you
- Happy birthday dear...
Jeffrey
Happy birthday to you
[applause]
Jeffrey! All right.
Okay, Max, hit me.
Ah! Come on,
one more time.
One more time.
Come on, hit me!
Ah! Come on.
[laughs]
You guys love it
when the shrimp
misses my mouth.
- We're too old
for this place.
- So...
What did you guys
think of the play, huh?
- Well, you put mom
in a fucking coma.
- Hey, Columbo,
I'm the one in the coma.
- [sighs]
Okay, can I go?
I have a test tomorrow.
- They're about to make
the volcano onion.
- She does.
She has a test.
- Fine.
[distant applause]
- It's nice to see
you two be sisters.
- I think most of her friends
think that I'm like
her weird aunt.
- [snickers]
- What?
- You're the only one
in the family who says aunt.
- Aunt?
- Too much Jane Austin.
- [slurping]
- May I ask you...
a question?
- [slurping]
- Shh, shh.
- Excuse me, hi. May I please
have another of these.
- Yes, and make it two.
Do you have to, like,
slurp it down?
- [slurping]
- I mean, Max, he notices.
- The same person
who threw food at your head?
- I asked you a question.
- You're afraid that
I'm going to offend him?
- I asked you a question.
You didn't answer it.
- You didn't.
You asked if you could ask--
- What are you doing home?
- Oh.
[sighs]
I don't know, Dad.
What do you want me to say?
I'm flailing, okay?
I'm just trying to figure out
if the life
that I have picked for myself
is even the one that I want,
and I don't...
even know if I'm allowed
to ask that question.
- You may never
figure that out.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Well, why did you want
to marry Mom?
How did you know?
- She had great legs.
And the mouth
of a truck driver.
- [laughs]
- Truth is...
your mother is
the best partner I ever had.
I wanted to be better for her.
She made me think
I could be.
[squeaking]
- [sighs]
[soft music]
[grunts]
[groans]
[phone rings]
[phone rings]
- Hello?
- I got--I got
my eyebrow pierced.
- What?
- And then it looked
really dumb,
and it got gross,
so then I took it out.
- [sighs]
Sounds like you've been busy.
- [laughs]
What are--have you
been up to?
Did--did you get
any new holes in your body?
- Oh, I've been here
just holding down the fort.
- I miss you.
I miss your voice,
and I miss you
a very, very lot.
- You've got
a funny way of showing it.
- I think I just got
really scared.
- Of what?
- I don't know.
Us?
[sniffles]
And then this thing
with my family,
it's like I'm surrounded
by these people
who never asked
any questions.
There are just all of
these little things
that I haven't said.
I don't know, I haven't taken
a shower by myself
in the last five years.
- So, shower alone.
I'm not forcing you
to shower with me.
- [sighs]
I want to come home.
- I have not heard from you
in two fucking weeks.
- [sighs]
I know.
And I'm sorry.
[exhales]
Ali and I are still going to go
to the Halloween Parade,
and your costume
is still in the closet.
And I totally get it
if you just don't want to go,
but I really hope
that you do.
And I love you.
[sniffs]
Ow.
[indistinct chatter]
[slamming]
- Be quiet.
- Okay.
[distant whistle]
[clicking]
[thud]
Sick.
- Hurry up.
- I'm hurrying.
Holy dang!
[locker slams]
I feel like if you bring
this much money to school
you do not need it.
Hey, since you live downtown,
would you mind picking up the H
for the party later?
- Without you?
- Yeah, I mean,
it's really easy.
I'll tell you where to go.
- Yeah.
[wind blowing]
[elevator dinging]
- Happy Halloween.
Ooh, this is spooky.
[gasps]
Ali, one per customer.
- I feel like
such an asshole.
- You are such a thief,
and you are an asshole.
This is fun.
Don't be in a bad mood.
[rings bell]
I didn't think I'd get
to do this again.
Happy Halloween!
Trick or treat!
- Happy Halloween.
Trick or treat.
- Oh, hi, girls.
- Thank you.
- Oh, thanks.
- Look, Emma, it's--
- Oh, we're
the California Raisins.
[laughs]
Cute, a nerd. In costume.
[laughs]
Happy Halloween.
- I think we have
to tell Mom.
You know, I don't think
he's ever going to.
- He's not ready to.
- He's never going
to be ready.
- Can I just say...
you don't understand
what he's going through.
Dad loves Mom.
But now he's terrified
of hurting her.
So, it's not that easy.
- Yeah, he should've
thought of that
before he titty fucked
some woman
whose laundry
is full of dry clean only.
- [clears throat]
You went through her laundry?
- I'm telling her.
I'm telling her right now.
- Stop! Stop, stop.
Stop, Ali. Please.
Oop!
Pardon me.
- Mom? Mom, we have
to tell you something.
- We're going to be late.
- You guys look so cute.
No, wait, just one picture,
just one picture, please.
Go--um, just be a raisin, okay.
Oh, that's cute.
Move around a little bit.
[plastic scratching]
- Like this?
- Oh, that's adorable.
- How about a little of this?
[thud]
[smack]
- Alexandra.
Please tell me you are
holding these for a friend.
- You smoked
for 20 years.
- My gynecologist
smoked then.
- Okay, great,
we heard it.
I'll talk to her.
- This is bullshit, okay?
Bullshit.
Both of you are hypocrites.
I'm so over this.
- What the fuck
just happened?
- I'll handle it.
I got it.
[groans]
She's just being scary.
It's Halloween.
She's a scary--
a scary raisin.
[dance music]
- La la dee la la da
La la dee la la da
La la dee la la da
La la dee la la da
In my sleep
I see you hanging
Reaching for me
Although I'm falling
[indistinct chatter]
- Come on, darlin'.
It could've been that bad.
- Watch it. My ex...
- Can I get a white wine?
- You got it.
- [sighs]
- I don't think
he's going to be there.
It's making me sick.
- Okay, well, I mean
you cheated on him,
and you ignored him
for two weeks.
So, I probably wouldn't
show up either if I were him.
- Yes, but just
take into account
that he doesn't know
the cheating part.
- Good.
You take that
to the vault, okay?
- Why? What?
- You just throw away
the combination.
Because he never
has to know about it.
Anything.
- You--
Ugh!
Ooh.
It's that time of the month.
[both laugh]
- No.
- You know, you are really
a weird little bird,
you know that?
Mime. Sorry.
- You're a weird
little bird.
- [laughs]
- I just want you
to be happy.
- [sighs]
- He's here.
- How's my raisin?
- It looks really good.
You look awesome.
- You forgot to make
a pee hole for this thing.
- [laughs] Aw.
- Hi.
Oh. Hi.
You're crying.
- I know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- What's the matter?
- You look so nice
in this box.
You are so nice
to wear the box.
- I love it.
I mean, I hate it,
but I love it.
I'm wearing it.
- You are so good.
- Yeah, you are too.
Okay, you're freaking me out
right now.
- Okay, yeah.
I'm not good.
- What happened?
- I did something bad.
- Okay. Just what?
What?
- A couple weeks ago,
after we saw--
after we went
to the party, I--
when I was at the party
and I was talking to Nate there.
And then--
- No!
Oh, my fucking God.
- Please, please, please.
Let me finish.
- Did you fuck him?
- I'm not putting
my words together.
- Did you fuck him?
You fucked him!
- [crying]
- I knew it.
I fucking knew it,
and I didn't say anything
because I'm a fucking chump!
- No, no, no, no, no.
I am the chump.
- I can't believe you.
- Ben? Ben, please.
Please, please!
Ben!
- You drop your box, Raisin Man.
- Fuck you!
[disco music playing]
- Never was
a disco man myself.
- Neither was my husband.
The coke was great.
- [laughs]
Yeah, so I hear.
Divorced? Widowed?
- Uh, what if I'm neither?
- Somebody married you.
So how long
you been divorced?
- I'm not.
- Looking for a third?
- You're not his type.
- You're a real pisser.
- [laughs]
My husband used to think so.
- I'm Mitch.
- Let's dance, Mitch.
- Who knows how to disco
like it's 1975?
[disco music plays]
- Dim all the lights,
sweet darling
'Cause tonight
It's all the way
Hey, baby,
Turn up the old Victrola
Gonna dance the night away
- [sniffs]
What did I just do?
- Badelia be crazy.
- I just didn't want
to be Dad.
- You're not Dad.
- You should've seen
his face.
He's never going
to talk to me again.
- Yes, he will.
I mean it.
It will be okay.
Um, can you just wait here?
I have to pick up
something for a friend.
I'll be back
in, like, a second.
- No, thank you.
[door slams]
Who do you know
who lives here?
- Um, don't worry
about it.
- Ugh, Ali, no,
I hate that, okay.
And also this has been
a horrible, long night.
Can we please just go home?
- Yeah, just wait
right there, okay?
- [sighs]
Is this dripping?
- Bag and a bag?
- Uh, yeah. Two?
- Two and two.
- What? Wait, he's taking
my money.
- He'll be right back,
freshie.
- Is this your friend?
What did--
- Just be quiet, okay?
- Why?
Is this a drug deal?
Are you buying drugs?
- Shut the fuck up, trash bag.
- Uh, take a better look,
cool guy.
I'm a California Raisin.
- Dana! Can you just--
can you be cool, please?
- No, I can't be cool.
I've had the worst night,
and I don't know why
you would bring me
to this gross place.
No offense.
Let's just go.
[glass shatters]
Ooh! Oh my God!
Is that a needle?
- Just calm down, okay?
- I don't want to calm down.
- It's for a friend.
It's not even for me.
And this is not, like,
a regular thing for me, okay.
It's--it's a holiday.
- The holiday is Halloween,
which is not typically
a heroin holiday
on most people's calendars.
You're so smart.
Why would you do this?
You know that people do it
one time, they get addicted--
- I did it once.
I'm fine.
Jesus Fucking Christ, Dana,
not everything
is so black and white.
Like, you can--you can fuck Nate
and still love Ben, right?
- Oh, shit!
- Okay. You need
to just step out.
You're not
in this conversation.
[sighs]
[footsteps on stairs]
- So, Mini Trash,
want your shit or not?
- Not.
[muted yelling]
- Five-o! Five-o!
- What is that?
- I don't know.
- Yo, run, raisins, run!
- Go, go, Ali!
Go, go, go, go, go.
- Hold on, ladies
- Are you kidding?
I just said no.
- And I'm sure Nancy Reagan
would be real proud.
But you're trespassing.
Come on.
- All alone
All alone
[Alan laughs]
- Like a near-sighted dog
with a bone
Aw, but it's better
- Hey. Lenny's on HBO.
- Yakking on the phone
I gave her everything
- Remember I took you
to see him on our first date?
Then we went to night court
to watch hookers
and pimps get arraigned.
[laughs]
What's...
What's gotten into you, huh?
Hi.
[kissing]
[heavy breathing]
[exhales]
[moans]
[cries out]
Oh. Oh!
- Ah, oh.
[sighs]
- Oh.
- I'll be rich
- [gasps]
- But so all alone
[applause]
Alan?
- What?
- Which one of us
fucks better?
- What are--what are you
talking about?
- Just--just stop, okay.
- Really, Patty,
I don't know what you're--
- Stop.
Stop lying.
I know about Carla.
I read all the stupid...
fucking shit that you wrote.
- Are you serious?
It's a play.
It's--it's for the play.
- I should chuck that
fucking computer at your head.
- Patty, I--
- Just stay,
stay where you are.
What was your plan?
Were you ever
going to tell me or...
Why her and not me?
- Because she knows
I'm alive, okay?
- She knows you're alive?
Really?
When was the last time
you or anybody in this house
ever even looked at me?
- You think I'm a failure.
You said it
right in front of Ali.
- I did what?
- You don't even
like me anymore.
- Look, I married you, okay.
Can we just assume
that I like you?
- I don't have to assume
with her.
She tells me!
- Really? She tells you what?
That you're so great
and that she loves you.
- Yeah, for who I am
and some other person
she wishes I could be.
I had...
I had no idea...
that this was
going to be anything, Patty.
I don't want
to lose you.
And the girls.
- You broke the rules.
[phone rings]
[sighs]
[phone rings]
[indistinct chatter]
[door unlocking]
[door squeaks]
- [sighs]
[laughs quietly]
[door buzzes]
[door slams open]
[soft music]
- Hey.
[patting]
We're home.
We'll all talk
in the morning.
I'm gonna find a spot.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Mom?
[sighs]
Mom?
Oh my God, Mom.
We're okay.
I'm so sorry. We're fine.
We're fine.
Mom, we're totally fine.
- [sniffs]
Your father fucked up.
[laughs]
- We know.
- You do?
- We haven't known
for very long.
And we also weren't sure.
- Yeah, but I should've
told you.
- No, no, no.
You have nothing
to apologize for.
I've known
for a little while too.
[sighs]
- [coughs]
Oh.
[hacking cough]
No.
[sizzles]
[coughing]
[hacking cough]
- Come here.
I love you guys so much.
Even when you make me crazy.
You're the best thing
that ever happened to me.
You know it doesn't
always wind up like this.
Right, it doesn't
have to end up like this.
- This isn't so bad.
[knocking]
- Saw it in her eyes
- I don't want to see you.
- Oh, it wasn't what
she said
She came together
like a dream
[door unlocking]
That I didn't know I had
From the sleeping life
I lead
- Hi.
- You think you're being cute.
But you're being
a fucking asshole.
[phones ringing]
- I can't recognize
The one in front of me
Oh, the truth
is I don't mind
And then it finally
came along
Turn around
and then he's there
Oh, the lovers I've...
[crashing]
- [laughs]
- I want to know you
I want to show you
- I love you.
- I love you.
Thank you.
- Um, I made you this tape.
- Oh. What a loser.
- I called it.
I knew you'd get back together.
- Yeah, you know everything.
- Yeah. Bye.
- Bye!
- Want to get high
and watch "Zelig"?
- Not really.
- What's up?
- What do you mean?
- You're not saying anything.
- Neither are you.
- My mom wanted me
to invite you
to my grandma's
80th birthday party.
[laughs]
- Oh.
- They call you
my girlfriend.
Is that okay?
- I like you.
Like, like a lot.
Um, just seems like
in a year from now
we're going to be
at different schools.
And, like, I don't even know
where I'll be, you know.
And it's, like, at some point
either I'm going to hurt you
or you're going to hurt me,
and...like we're friends.
So I just want to stay friends.
- Got it.
- What time is it?
- It's probably 3:00.
- Yeah, I should go.
My dad's probably downstairs.
- Fuck his car up.
[laughs]
- So, you put your blinker on.
Check your rearview mirror,
your side mirror.
- I know.
[engine turns over]
Where am I going?
- Poppy's house.
- You moved in with Poppy?
That's depressing.
- Thank you.
It's not that bad.
He spends most of his time
in Atlantic City
with a flavor of the month,
and I feed his cat
while he's away.
- Yeah, I don't really
want to go to Queens.
So, can you just,
like, sign the papers
and say we completed
the hours?
[shuts off engine]
- You have every right
to be upset.
- Cool.
- You'll never know
how sorry I really am.
But I'm not leaving
this family.
- You keep saying that.
How does that actually work?
- I have no fucking idea.
[laughs]
- [snickers]
- [sighs]
- Have you ever thought
about the possibility
that Carla's just filling
a void you created for yourself?
- A void?
- Yeah.
- What is that?
Like Oprah?
- No, God, why does everyone
think I get my shit from Oprah?
- Because your shit
is far too wise
for the amount of time you've
actually been on this planet.
[both laugh]
All right.
[engine turns over]
- So, Poppy has a cat?
- Yeah, I've never
actually seen it,
but I smell it.
- [laughs]
- Easy. Okay, you got it.
Okay.
Easy, easy, easy.
[brakes squeal]
Watch out for this girl
in the short skirt.
- I'm going to take a bath.
- [sighs]
I want to glue him
to the wall
and take a flame thrower
and shoot fire
into his hair.
And then just take some ink
and shoot it into
his fucking blue eyeballs.
- Okay.
- Also kill him.
- Stop.
I can't keep having
this conversation with you.
- If you didn't want
to have the conversation,
you probably shouldn't
have told me about it
because the image
of you two fucking
is in my head.
Do you know
what that's like?
- No, I don't.
I didn't want to lie
to you anymore.
- Cheating's lying.
You told me
so you could feel better.
- Just because
I did one shitty thing
doesn't mean
I do all shitty things.
I did a stupid, gross thing,
and I'm endlessly,
endlessly sorry.
I'll always be sorry,
but I also can't undo it,
and I don't know
what to do.
I love you. I love you.
And I hate myself.
And I just...
I just, I...
[crying]
I don't know what else to do.
[door closes]
[magazine slaps]
[splashing]
[knocking]
- [sighs]
I mean...
do you think I wasn't
scared and bored too?
- You asked me
to marry you.
- Yeah.
[laughs]
Because I wanted
to marry you.
But, yeah, it's terrifying
thinking I'm going to spend
the rest of my life
comparing everybody else to you.
- I know.
- I--I mean, what happens
in six months?
- I don't think
either one of us
can say that
it's going to be perfect.
But I can--I can say that
I love you.
And I just want
to live a life
where we're always
choosing each other.
And I choose you.
If you'll let me.
- [sniffles]
- [sniffles]
Will you take a bath
with me?
- Will we have sex in it?
- [laughs]
You know that doesn't work.
- We're going to fuck
in this tub.
- You're gonna get
your elbows bonked.
Oh, no!
[laughs]
[splashing]
- Of course you can, honey.
- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday!
- [laughs]
I'm sorry.
- Hi, Mom. You look pretty.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Happy birthday.
- Hi. Nice to see you.
- Is that mine?
- Guess what it is.
It's a trench!
- Oh!
- She got one for herself too.
- I did,
but it's not matching.
So, we won't be dorks.
- Maybe I should get one too.
- No, no, don't.
- Yes.
- What are you wearing?
- This is what you call
a fashion statement.
You love these suspenders!
- I love it.
She looks like
an adorable Doug Henning.
- I'm not saying
they're not cute.
I'm just saying people
are going to assume
that you have
to pull your pants up
because you're wearing
a diaper.
- I think they're adorable.
- I think it's so--
- A cute diaper.
- I'm taking this away
from you.
- No, you ain't.
- No, come on.
- I'll have it.
- Slow down.
- You've cat to be kitten me
right meow.
- Yeah!
[laughs]
[laughter]
- Whoa!
- You didn't really
just say that?
- I've been waiting six months--
- That's my guy.
You cat to be kitten me
right meow, my Ben.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Happy birthday, Ali.
- Thanks.
[kissing]
- Hi.
- What? No gift?
- It's parked outside.
- Really?
- You look great.
- You look tired.
- Is there something outside?
- Honey, it's a brand-new
horse and buggy.
- Be careful, it bucks.
- I don't even get
two presents out of this shit?
- You are such a tiny asshole.
- [laughs]
- Happy birthday.
- Hey, Ben.
- Hey. How are you?
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you too.
- Long time.
- Yeah.
- Thanks for inviting me.
Well, ah, Max!
My man!
- Yay!
- Yay, he's here.
[applause]
- He's a family member.
- Looking sharp.
- He's my long lost son.
- Oh, whoa.
- You have the shrimp, right?
- Can you--Max?
Can you put the shrimp
on one side of the grill,
not near the meat because
I'm developing a little allergy.
- She's "allergic" to shrimp.
- I am. It gets me flushed.
- Is that the stuff
that's really hot?
- Yeah.
- I think that got me last time.
- So what are you drinking, Ali?
- That's a birthday drink.
[soft music]
- It's--yeah.
- And you guys
just let that happen?
- Are you kidding?
- Ladies--
- You remember when she
went to jail, right?
- She's--
[laughter]
- What do you mean "she"?
What about you?
- I was--
- You were an accomplice.
- I was a dingleberry
on the situation.
- You're the oldest.
- I didn't know what was--
- She can't even handle
her soda.
- Mom says I'm a heavyweight.
[laughter]
[chatter]
- Give her all the shrimp.
[laughter]
[cheerful music]
- I would have given you
all of my heart
But there's someone
who's torn it apart
And he's taken
almost all that I've got
And if you want
I'll try to love again
Baby, you can't love again
Without the love
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
But when it comes
to being lucky
People
When it comes to love
and need, people
But when it comes
to being lucky, people
That's how I know
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
Just to watch you
by my side
Just to help me dry
the tears that I'll cry
And I'm sure I will
give you a try
And if you want
I'll try to love again
Baby, you can't love again
without love
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
But when it comes
to being lucky, people
When it comes to love
and need, people
When it comes
to being lucky, people
That's how I know
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
I would've given you
all of my heart
But there's someone
who's torn it apart
Just to hold you
by my side
Just to help me
dry the tears that I'll cry
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
Yeah, yeah, yeah
The first cut
is the deepest
[soft acoustic music]
[birds tweeting]
[heavy breathing]
- Is this good?
- No.
- Sorry. Lower?
- Yeah, yes.
- Good, good.
- Okay.
This is awesome.
[breathing heavily]
- You can come if you want to.
- Okay, I'm about to.
- Good.
- Are you gonna come?
- Eh...
[fly buzzes]
Did you hear that?
- Huh?
- Like a woodland creature
pitter patter?
- Okay, the plan is to have
sex in the woods.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. Are you okay?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- You sure?
- Because I kind of feel like
maybe you're not into it.
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, my God.
I fell. I'm sorry. A bug.
- What is it?
- Sorry.
- Okay.
- A spider.
I'm sorry.
- [sighs]
No, it's okay. It's cool.
- I'm not a woodland person.
- [kiss]
Okay.
Do you want me
to help you finish or--
- No, I--my parents.
- Okay.
- Let's get in the car.
- Lights, trash, door.
- Traffic's gonna be
a nightmare.
- Bye, house,
see you next summer.
- What did you put
in these bags?
- I have no idea.
- It's like dead bodies.
- Here and here.
Up front, please.
- Pat, can I help
with anything?
- Ali, Ali, Ali, no.
No, no, no!
No.
- I rode bitch here.
- Okay
- Okay?
- No, and you can
ride it back.
- I don't want to.
- Well...
- Guys, I can sit
in the middle.
- Hit it.
all:
Bring me a higher love
Oh oh
Bring me a higher love
Oh oh
- Break me a higher love
- Oh, Dana.
- Do it.
- It's "bring."
- What?
- "Bring."
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- "Break me a higher love"
like...
Like you--like you
have to break me
if you want me to love
like on such a high plain.
- Alan, is it bring or break?
- Ben's right, sweetie.
"Bring."
- Break...
- Ali, I revised
the Michigan app.
So do you want to talk through
the comments with me or...
- Not really because
I don't want to go there.
- Honey, you need to cast
a wide net.
- Yeah, I'm sorry my future
is so stressful for you,
but I'm not applying there.
- I didn't say
it was stressful.
- Guys, you really need
to get a grip, okay?
Because Ali doesn't want
to go anywhere
unless everybody wears berets
and all they all smoke
clove cigarettes
and they all make
their own hummus
but they eat it
out of Frisbees.
- I can see
your boyfriend's come stain.
- Ali!
- Shut up!
- God.
- It's her fiance.
You can see
her fiance's come stain.
- God, it smells like
a K.D. Lang concert
down there.
- Shut up! Shut up!
- Fuck you.
- Shut up!
- Take a chill pill, please?
- Fuck you!
- It's not new for me
to be able to say swears.
Slow down, sweetie.
- Hey, guys, relax.
- Bring me a higher love
Oh yeah
A higher love
Higher higher higher
Bring me a higher love
[muted TV sounds]
- Have yourself a dental dam.
But, of course, I'm going
to be using this later
so I don't want
to ruin this later.
- Suck my dick.
Kim Deal's my hero.
Whatever.
[knocking]
- School starts
in eight hours.
- Okay, give me seven seconds.
- It's after midnight.
- I'm getting off.
- Good night, Jed.
- No, I think she has
a crush on you.
- Ali.
- Okay, good night.
[laughs]
- Jed speaks.
What was he saying?
- I don't know.
Butt stuff.
- [laughs]
Oh, I love you, good night.
[door shuts]
- Love you.
[traffic sounds]
- Thank you.
- This is for you.
- Great belt.
Oh, I think
I'm getting a rash.
- You got to stop
touching that.
- So, is this guy you're seeing,
is this the--
[flutters lips]
What do you call it?
Smash slam poetry?
- Ew, no, no.
No, I broke up with him.
No, this guy
is a performance artist.
- Oh.
- Major upgrade.
- We ended up drinking
on his roof
and having one of those
epic conversations
until the sun comes up,
you know the kind?
- Ben and I spent
three hours at Blockbuster.
And, uh, we got "Curly Sue."
- Sexual.
- It's a good film.
[laughs]
In fact, it's really funny.
[laughs]
- Mr. Rubicky
Has got
a very small dicky
[both laugh]
[giggles]
He lost it
in his car
His dick has traveled
so far
[both giggle]
Go and kick him
in the nuts
He's a motherfucking putz
- Mm-hmm.
- That's--that's it.
That's all I have.
- That was the best song ever.
- Do you have
any perfume?
My mom's like
a drug-sniffing dog.
- Perfume. I don't think
dudes wear--
- Like, some of that
man spray.
- This stuff.
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
- Here we go.
- Okay. Spray me.
- Oh, okay. Right.
[spraying]
- Whoa, that's a lot.
[laughs]
I didn't want a lot.
Hi.
- Hey, there.
- Oh.
- Floor, please.
What is that?
You got schmutz all over here.
What is that?
Did you parallel park yet?
I'm very good at it,
so it should be
a cinch for you.
- Smells good.
- Don't get too excited.
It's leftovers.
- [sighs]
You know, when kids
in my class wore shoes like this
it meant they had polio.
- Yes, they do look
a little corrective.
- What did you do today?
- Crack.
- You know what I did?
I wrote beautiful copy
for fake Oreos.
- [laughs]
- Anyone for a Yum Yum?
- Aw, yeah.
- Honey, that stuff
will give you cancer.
- Guess what?
George offered to host a reading
of my play at his house.
- That's great, honey.
Plenty of booze, no food,
a bunch of self-righteous
Upper West Siders.
Hey, has anyone spoken
to Dana this week?
There is a sale at Kleinfeld's.
- Did they pick a date?
Because I bet
it's my birthday.
- No, not yet.
I was hoping the dress
would sort of get her excited.
- So you'll come
to the reading then?
- I don't know,
are you inviting me?
- I want the whole family.
You, Ali, me, Ben, and...
you know, what's her face,
the one with the D.
- Yes, Dana.
- Douchebag.
- Her name is not douchebag.
That's too German.
Douchebag.
Dana Douchebag.
[muted chatter]
[water spraying]
- Okay, switch.
Okay, I need to wash.
- Okay, hold on.
Wait a second.
- What?
- What is that?
- What?
- Right there, that rash.
- [gasps]
Oh my God. Come on!
- Sorry, sorry.
It's on your arm too.
- Oh, I've been itching
all week.
- [garbled mumbling]
I think you might
have poison ivy.
- What?
Excuse me.
- What?
- How did I get poison ivy?
- That was a joint decision.
- You gave me poison ivy.
- It's probably
in my vagina.
- You want me to look?
- No! Geez.
- Oh, I should probably
pee on you.
- [laughs]
That move is for jellyfish.
I'm not stupid.
- No, it's for poison ivy too.
- [laughs]
- I think it is.
- You want to pee on me?
[laughs]
- Here we go, here we go.
- No! We just have--
- Shh!
- Are you doing it?
- Just quiet down.
- All right, do it, do it.
- I can't pee on command.
- Do it before I change my mind.
Do it, do it.
- Listen, okay, there it is.
- Oh my God.
- You want me to stop.
- No.
- No?
- I like it.
[sitar music]
- He was touring
with the Grateful Dead
for, like, many months.
So I don't even know
what this place is or--
- He wasn't touring.
He was following them.
He probably has lice.
- Making grilled cheese
sandwiches in the parking lot.
- [gasps]
- Hey, Ravi!
- Oh my God.
- Oh my God. Look at you.
- Look at me?
Look at you.
- You're back. Aw.
- Embrace me, brother.
Embrace me.
You get a head hug too.
- Hi, I'm Ben.
What's your--what's your name?
- This is--this is Table.
- Table?
- Off the bat,
she's taken a vow of silence.
- Oh, okay. That makes sense.
- Wow.
Just in time for the party.
- Dude, we got to catch up.
- Yeah, yeah, let's catch up.
- You good?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- She's so good.
- Hurry.
- Okay.
- Let's go, let's go.
- Benjamin.
- Look at this.
- Benjamin.
- Guys, make room
for Table as well.
[indistinct chatter]
[sitar music plays]
- Did you see
what Ravi's new look is?
- [laughs]
I think he sews it himself.
- Can you imagine the Ravi
we knew in college--
- Yeah. It's different.
- Looking into the future
and seeing this?
- I know.
Well, I guess it's...
the influence of, you know,
Mrs. Table, yeah.
- He's soon to be, Mr. Table.
[laughs]
- Yeah. Hey, good for him.
- It's really sweet.
- I'm still looking
for my Table.
- [laughs]
- I really am though.
This girl
I was just with
showed up to a date
wearing a ski mask.
- [laughs]
- Serious.
She said she wanted
to know my personality
before I knew her face.
- Was she...
a normal person?
- She was kind of
a mean drunk.
[both laugh]
- [snorts]
- I'm really happy to see that
you never kicked your snort.
- I don't want
to talk about it.
- This one made it
on a foot loom.
It was slamming.
She made all of them.
Dowels, we made
like a thousand dowels.
- What is that?
- [laughs]
It's an engagement ring.
- You finally did it.
- [sighs]
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
[soft music]
[door slams]
[thumping electronic music
playing]
- Come with me.
- I'm going to go
with Sophie.
- That's so whack.
- It will help me study.
[indistinct chatter]
- That's not coke.
- I know, it's H.
- Holy shit.
Are we really just going
to do this right now?
- I did it with Danny
last week.
It's really not scary.
It's like climbing
back into the womb.
You won't even have
to do that much.
[sniffs]
- Call my mom
if I die.
[sniffs]
[sniffs]
[sighs]
[thumping music]
[exhales]
[sniffs]
[sipping]
[soft music]
[shuffling disks]
[electric whirring]
What?
[clicking mouse]
[clicking mouse]
[clicking mouse]
[gasps]
[whispers]
What the fuck?
[clicking mouse]
Holy fuck, Dad.
[clicking]
[dot matrix printer printing]
- In celebration
of the contributions
women make in every aspect...
- Ah, gotcha.
- Doesn't that hurt?
- This from the guy who's
gonna row over his own balls.
- As mothers, wives, sisters,
daughters...
- Wow, I love that suit.
- Traffic is gonna
be a nightmare.
We better leave soon.
- I thought we were
going to talk to Ali?
- Can we talk tonight?
She's not going clubbing
in the middle of the day.
- She went out again
last night.
I saw her pile of clothes
when I took out the trash.
- Detective Pat.
- God forbid she'd dislike you
for five seconds.
- This is not me leaving you
to be bad cop, all right?
- Bad cop.
I'm barely a crossing guard.
- All right, I really
will talk to her tonight.
I promise.
What do you think?
Two weeks no phone?
And that includes Jed.
- You know the boy's name.
- Uh-huh.
- Hmm.
- No.
- What are you, a mime?
- Yes, I studied in France.
Actually, I'm a crossing guard,
and you can't pass
without paying the toll.
[kissing]
- We may help bring
new dignity and respect...
- That is a nice suit.
- [knocking]
You up?
Bullshit.
[muted traffic noise]
[siren wailing in distance]
- McCann Erickson?
[British accent]
- Mr. Jacobs, please?
- May I ask who's calling?
- Tell him it's C.
- Please hold.
- Yeah, I'll hold.
- We all know
what we're breathing.
Whether or not he knows
that it's the same air
that jackass Giuliani
is breathing.
[laughter]
He's pouring all his money
into the police department.
Meanwhile, the rest of us
need to fight for
a different kind of enforcement.
- Pat?
Solid Waste Disposal reforms
is pushing to 3 p.m.
- Okay.
- Grannis is on line two.
And Congressman Hinchey
just called
about the cement plants again.
- Okay.
- Also, Iris
from Dalton called.
Alexandra hasn't
signed in yet.
- Uh, Alexandra
has the flu.
- [sighs]
Again? Try ginseng.
- I don't know that is.
I'll take Grannis now.
[traffic sounds]
- Thanks. Bye.
[coins jingling]
[coin clunking]
[clicking]
- You have four messages.
[beep]
- Dana, it's Laura.
You haven't gotten back to me
about book club.
You said you were
bringing the mahjong tiles.
[beep]
- Hey, babe.
I'm going to be home late.
I'm having some drinks
with some work peeps tonight.
Can you grab
some toilet paper?
[beep]
- Hi, this message
is for Dana Jacobs.
This is Samuel
from the Water Club.
If you're still interested
in having your wedding here,
please call me back at--
[beep]
- Hi, Dana, it's Mom.
There is a sale at Kleinfeld's
this weekend.
- Ugh!
[coin drops]
[sighs]
[coins jingle]
[coin drops]
Hi, this is Dana calling.
I just wanted to relay
a message to Kim and David
that I'm not going to be able
to make the staffing meeting
today.
I've eaten something wrong.
[laughs]
At lunch, and I just feel like
I need to be near
my own restroom.
Dana Jacobs.
I do our layout.
[laughs]
Yeah.
[groans]
[coin drops]
[muted rock music playing]
[cash register beeping]
[clicks]
[world music plays]
[man singing in foreign
language]
[muted world music]
[shrieks] Oh, no.
- [laughs]
- [laughs]
Whatever.
- It's okay.
Your secret's safe with me.
I won't tell anyone
you dance to world music.
- I'm not ashamed.
I think it's good
to like music from our world.
[laughs]
- Sorry, you had
a little hairball.
- [laughs]
- Where's, um...
Uh?
- Ben?
- Ben, where's Ben?
- He's at work.
What? Can nobody hang out
alone anymore?
- I feel deeply alone
at all times.
- I say accept it.
This is my first day alone
since, I don't know, 1982,
and I am really digging in.
First, I'm doing this,
and then I'm gonna skip dinner.
I'm going to go
to Serendipity,
get a frozen hot chocolate,
eat it all by myself
and then--
- Want to get a bite to eat?
- With you?
[rock music playing]
- Oh. You just had that
on hand?
- It's cool.
The cops raided this place
last night.
So we're safe tonight.
- Oh, you know what,
I have a job to get to.
- I'm kidding.
Jesus, sit down and smoke this.
- It's on fire.
[sighs]
[embers crackle]
So, do you have
any more tales
from the dating front?
- Uh, last week a girl
asked if she could strangle me.
- [spits]
- Well done.
- Don't look over here. Oh!
- I think you got
the musician.
- I would say
we'd get kicked out,
but nobody here cares
about anything.
[laughs violently]
- Yeah, you know...
All I really want
is a nice Jewish Italian girl
who just wants
to sit on the couch with me.
Watch "Mad About You."
- [laughs]
Yeah, well, Helen Hunt
has really perfected
the frontal wedgie.
So, tune in for that.
[giggles]
I wonder where
Helen's vagina is.
Just kidding.
We can all see it
in prime time.
- Yeah.
[laughs]
How about you and Ben?
You guys watch a lot
of Must-See TV together?
- Yeah.
[laughs nervously]
- Sounds really nice.
- Oh, save it.
You don't have to say that.
- I'm being serious.
- Yeah, it's nice.
It's very good.
It's good. We--you know.
It's very totally good.
We just brush our teeth,
and we take our clothes off,
and we get into bed,
and, if he reaches
for the candle,
I know that we're going
to have sex to the 11:00 movie.
That's really rude.
That's not even what I mean.
That's a real asshole remark
to make, Dana.
[clears throat]
[exhales]
They really got
the heater on in here, right?
[burps]
Oh my goodness.
[laughs]
[sipping]
- How you feeling?
- Mmm, mmm.
- Mellowing out a little?
[both laugh]
- You know, I think that
the last we got stoned together
was...in your dorm room.
- I remember that, I think.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
We had a four-hour
conversation about dinosaurs.
- [laughs]
- And I then I think
some clothes came off.
- [laughs]
[sighs]
So fun.
I should go home.
- Yeah, okay.
- Whoa.
[laughs]
- You okay?
- Yeah.
I should get a cab.
- Okay, go ahead.
[sighs]
Shit.
[moans]
[moans]
Uh, oh my God.
[muted talk show chatter]
- You came from Second City,
didn't you?
- Mm-hmm.
- Were you in the main company?
- Main stage.
- Hey.
- I have to pee so bad.
- I'm reading
Hammacher Schlemmer.
They're advertising
the world's fastest razor blade.
There's an inversion machine
and a lot of luggage.
Babe?
- Hmm?
[gags, spits]
- Are you okay?
- I'm going to the bathroom.
- No fucking way.
KGB surveillance binoculars?
What the fuck?
Kitten Toe!
You can buy as many
as you want.
You can hook 'em up
to form a kitten village.
You can build
your own kitten village.
Babe, there's some his and hers
trench coats in here.
It says that they're packable.
I don't know what's different
about that
than regular trench coats,
but whatever.
She we go stone
or pale putty?
- Pale putty.
- This is fucking awesome.
- [whispers] Oh, my God.
[rock music]
[indistinct chatter]
- Now it feels like
I'm on fire
It's burning low
[muted radio]
[knocking]
- Incoming.
- [shuts radio off]
Looks like Chernobyl in here.
- Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
- So you want to tell me why
I'm getting calls from school
asking where you are?
Or should I tell you
what I think I know?
- Cool choices.
- Hey.
- You tell us you did well
on the Vonnegut essay.
Meanwhile, I see you got an 83.
- You went through my stuff?
- Didn't go through your stuff.
It was on your desk.
- Well, what's an 83,
like, like a B?
- Yeah!
God, it's a good grade.
You freak.
- Your mom is trying to say
that you're smarter than a B.
- But dumb enough
to leave enough clubbing clothes
in the stairwell.
- Not entirely your fault.
We did take you
to Studio 54 in utero.
[laughs]
- You want to tell her
about the Quaaludes?
- Okay. You got me.
I got a B,
and I have a life.
You're real fucking detectives.
- Don't you fucking
detective me.
- You wanna know what I think?
both: No.
- I think we should
just let her get a B.
Let her sneak out.
Hopefully, she'll get mugged.
Most people learn
from failure.
- Wow. Well, you would know.
You're the king.
- No wonder he hates you.
- What?
- Excuse me?
- You're reckless.
And grounded.
- Both of you
are so fucked!
- Stop cursing!
Just stop it for once, Ali.
- Just get out!
- Should of just done it myself.
I was alone in there
anyway.
[phone rings]
- Hey.
There's a 6:44.
Just meet me there now.
[slamming phone]
[clattering]
- [sighs]
[distant footsteps]
[door opening]
[door slams]
- Great, she's going out
to get mugged.
- [sighs]
No one's getting mugged.
She's too scary.
[muted announcements
over loudspeaker]
[train clattering]
[crickets chirp]
[distant train horn]
- You have to be
really quiet, okay.
[sighs]
[keys jingling]
Oh, fuck.
Uh!
[reggae music plays]
[kissing]
- Did you bring condoms
this time?
- Yeah, should I get 'em now?
- Yeah.
[laughs]
[zipping]
- Should I put it on now?
[siren blaring in distance]
[reggae music plays]
[heavy breathing]
- [sighs]
[sighs]
Is the CD skipping?
- I don't think so.
- Dude, it's totally skipping.
[music stuck on loop]
- Oh, are you fucking
kidding me?
That's embarrassing.
[clunking]
[laughter, music continues]
- Nice shot.
- Thanks.
[dramatic music plays on TV]
- Mind you have work to do.
- You hear that?
[distant rustling]
- It's probably a bear.
- Probably a bear?
- [snickers]
You're such a city kid.
- There's a bear outside?
- They can't open doors,
can they?
- How do you know that?
[tense TV music]
[thudding]
All right.
[exhales]
[door squeaks]
- Ah!
- Ah! Ah!
- [screaming]
- Dana! Dana!
- [hysterical screaming]
- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?
- I asked you first.
- [exhales]
- I'm Jed.
- Okay.
[flutters lips]
- Can you not tell Mom
I'm here, please?
- No, obviously I'm going
to tell Mom that you were here.
- God, you're like
a tattle-tail. You bitch!
- Actually, I'm an adult
who was coming for a quiet
weekend in the country
and found her home invaded,
and, yeah, I'm gonna tell mom
that you were here
in your underwear.
With...
- Jed.
- Jed.
[laughs]
- And both of you
need to leave right now.
- No! What--you leave.
We were here first.
- You are such an irritant!
You're a little piece
of toilet paper
that gets stuck
to somebody's shoe.
- You're like the embodiment
of constipation, okay.
- [scoffs]
Okay.
[laughs]
All right, great.
You can stay. Fine.
But he needs to leave.
And you can take him
to the train station
because you have
your learner's permit.
- No, I can't because I need
a parent to be in the car.
- Oh, please stop
Frenching in front of me.
Stop Frenching
in front of me.
[kissing]
- Why don't you
just come back with me?
- I think my sister might be
having a nervous breakdown.
[10,000 Maniacs'
"Like the Weather" plays]
I need to make sure
she doesn't tell my mom.
[distant train horn]
[car horn beeps]
Is your drug store underwear
that deep up your ass?
- What?
- See you later.
- [sighs]
- But by the force of will
My lungs are filled
And so I breathe
- [sniffs]
- Lately it seems this big bed
is where...
- Is he your boyfriend?
- Not really.
- Do you guys have sex?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
[sighs]
So, Mom has no idea
where you are?
- Does Ben know
where you are?
- Well, that's different
because Ben is not
my mom.
I'm here because
I needed to get away,
and you're a child.
You know, and you ran away
from home, and that's--
- I did not run away
from home.
I went to our family's
country house.
How much more vanilla
can that scenario get?
- Shiver in my bones
just thinking...
- Look at us
having sister time.
- Are you going to, like,
try and braid my hair later?
- Do you want
to go swimming?
- What a cold
and rainy day
[splashing]
[both scream]
- [laughs]
This is the best sports drink
I've ever had.
- That's because
it's Whiskey Mountain Dew.
- It's because it's what?
- It's Whiskey Mountain Dew.
- [laughs]
- Whoo! Hoo!
- [laughs]
Did I do that?
- Three Mississippi, four.
- You think you could ever
be a synchronized swimmer?
Do everything
that I do.
[laughs]
- I could definitely do this.
- Can you do that?
[splashes]
- Can you not, please?
- Big splash. Stop!
[splashing]
- Ow! Stop! Stop!
Ow, God!
What's your problem?
Why do you play so rough?
- God, calm down.
- Seriously, why do you have
to go so hard at everything?
You ruin everything.
- Fuck you, cunt.
- [groans]
- Sorry.
Ali!
- [inhales]
- Ali.
[bubbling]
Ali!
Stop!
[splashes]
Stop!
I don't like horse play.
I don't like pranks.
I don't like this.
I don't like it.
- [exhales]
Dad's having an affair.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, wait till
you get to April.
He had a haiku phase.
- Why does he sometimes
refer to himself
as "her Pillsbury Dough Boy"?
- Oh, it's because
he calls his dick "dough."
- Oh, Jesus. God.
- Yeah.
- Just broke my brain.
- Fucking--I hate him.
Okay, I hate him.
- You don't hate him.
- I do though.
- You don't.
- Why should I not?
- I don't think that...
we should say anything to Mom
until we know what this is.
- If I were Mom,
I would chop off that dough
Loretta Bobbitt style.
- It's not--it's Lorena.
- I got a strong feeling that
he's in love with someone else.
- She cut off an entire penis.
You should say her name right.
- I can tell that
he's in love with someone else.
- I think she threw it
out a window as well.
- And he doesn't even
have to be fucking her.
What's going on is that he's
emotionally cheating on Mom.
- You watch way too much Oprah.
"Emotionally cheating."
And maybe it's just
a fantasy,
which--
[flutters lips]
to be honest
is totally healthy.
It's just, you know,
a totally healthy thing
to have--to have fantasies.
[sighs]
[clicking]
- I lost my heart
Under the bridge
To that little girl
So much to leave
- Do, do-do-do
Look what I found.
- Oh, my God.
- In mother's wardrobe.
- Looks so good!
Wow!
- Never know
Just what I found
- I have something to say.
I have something
that I feel that...
if I don't share it...
it will stay inside of me
and start to eat me alive.
- Please, say it.
- [sighs]
[groans]
I slept with somebody,
and it is not Ben.
- Ow.
- What?
- I know, I know.
- Whoa.
- I really...liked it.
- Oh.
- My body, like,
really responds.
Ugh.
- [stutters]
We're just like
a family of cheaters.
- I just have to get it out.
I just have to say
"I'm Dana,
"and I'm a cheater,
and I'm a Mountain Dew drinker."
- Yeah, and you're
a come guzzler.
- [flutters lips]
Sold.
- Okay.
Thanks for telling me.
- I just think maybe
this is a sign
that there's somebody else
that I'm supposed to be,
that it's trying
to get out of me.
- Okay, yeah. Okay.
What's her name?
[clicking]
[Stacey Q's "Two of Hearts"
playing]
- Ba...delia.
- Badelia?
- And I'll tell you what.
Badelia's very fun to be.
A lot of people
don't get to be Badelia.
Badelia is
a little bit wicked.
- Uh-huh.
- She's wild.
She makes her own choices.
And Badelia has secrets,
and secrets can be rather fun.
You know what else?
Double triple lunge!
- Oh!
- Mikhail Baryshnikov.
- Two of hearts
I need you, I need you
- I like dancing.
I don't think I've ever
danced with you before.
- It's really nice to hear you
say yes instead of no.
- No!
- [laughs]
- Come on, come on
[distant vacuuming]
- Anyone home?
Mom?
- Mom?
- Mom?
- Oh, Jesus.
- Sorry.
I love you.
I love you.
- And I love you too.
What's going on here?
- I love you.
I just wanted you to know.
And I love everything you do.
Busting dust.
- Where's Dad?
- He's at his writing workshop.
I called Sophie's mom.
Do you want to tell me
where you really were?
- Oh, she was at my place.
Ali!
- Sorry I scared you.
- [exhales]
What is that? Laundry?
- Oh, I was actually
hoping to crash here
for a few days,
if that's possible.
If you have room.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.
- What about you?
How long do you
plan on staying?
- Uh, until I'm 40.
- All right, that works for me.
- Thanks for bringing
this stuff.
- I'm just so surprised.
Are you okay?
- [sighs]
Yeah, I'm fine.
- It's just crazy.
Your dad doesn't seem like
the type to have a mistress.
He seems like--
don't take this the wrong way--
but, like, too pussy to cheat.
- What did you say?
- What?
What?
- Say "pussy" again.
- Oh my God.
- Say it.
- Umm...
Aren't you supposed
to be at work right now?
- I called in sick.
[kissing]
- This is nice.
- You can bite me
if you want.
You want to bite me?
- Oh. No.
- Do you?
- Oh God.
Does anybody--oh my God.
Is anybody here?
[breathing heavily]
Okay.
- Tell me how good
my pussy feels.
Tell me.
- Huh?
- Tell me how good
my pussy feels.
- Oh my God, I don't want to.
- Do it.
- It feels great.
It feels great.
- Say it.
- Why are you barking at me?
- What do you want? Tell me how
it feels on your dick.
Tell me how my pussy
feels on your dick.
- If I told you to tell me how
good my dick felt in your mouth,
you'd call 911.
- Okay.
Let's call the police.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.
- [sighs]
- What's happening?
- [scoffs]
Well, we were fucking,
and then you ruined it.
[grunts]
- Okay.
- [sighs]
You can't even
say "pussy" to me?
- I can say it.
- I asked you to say it,
and you didn't say it.
- Just not all the time.
- No, it's not all the time.
I asked you to say it one time,
and if mine is the only one
you're ever going to see
then you need to figure out how
to say the word "pussy" to me!
- [laughs]
What's happening right now?
- [sighs]
Ow. Ow!
- Ow. Ow!
- Sorry.
You know I would never
write erotic poetry
to another woman.
Because I can't read or write.
- That's not funny.
- Okay, sorry.
I'm just trying to tell you
that I would never
cheat on you.
If that's what
you're worried about,
I'm here, and if you want to
talk or you don't want to talk
or you want to keep saying
"pussy" over and over
until it gets weird
we can do that too.
- Can you hand me those jeans?
- Um, when are you
coming home?
- I just want to be here
for Ali right now, okay.
She needs me.
So, I'm going to stay here
for a few days.
And I'll call you tonight.
[traffic noise]
- He accepted
the German terms.
- Oh!
- But after
the unconditional surrender,
the Nazis bombed the city
anyway.
[explosions onscreen]
- [sighs]
You okay?
- Yeah.
[laughs]
- [sips]
- Ooh!
[explosions onscreen]
- You can't deny that
there's a lot of energy
and confidence
behind that.
- They knew how to sing too.
- [laughs]
- No, don't do that.
Don't do that.
- What's wrong?
- What?
- Why?
- Because we're not--
Somebody could see that.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
- You're worried about
the matinee crowd in here?
These guys?
What's--what's the matter?
- I'm sorry.
I was supposed to see
that movie with Ben.
He likes Nazi stuff.
- Well, you should go again,
you know.
You seemed a little...
distracted at certain moments.
- You're so perverted.
- I don't think you were
quite giving Adolf
your full attention.
- You're full of it.
[laughs]
[sighs]
All these old people in love
are making me feel
like a whore.
- Are you kidding?
- No.
- Did you see what
those two old people were up to?
- No.
- It was really--
It was really gross.
- No, you're gross.
- You're having
a torrid affair.
- You can't torture me.
[laughs]
- Hey, I think I love you.
- What? What?
- Just kidding.
- Don't do that.
- [laughs]
- That's psycho.
- I don't know.
Maybe I do.
It's hard to tell,
you know.
I'm probably dead inside.
- You're so irresponsible.
That is such a psycho thing.
That's such a psycho thing
to say for so many reasons.
- Am I very irresponsible?
[traffic noise]
[soft music]
- What time is it?
- Oh, I don't know,
and I'm fine with that.
I'm doing this thing
where I say
I leave the watch at home.
I release myself
from my schedule.
I go about my day.
- That could be C.
That could be C.
- That?
- Oh!
- That lady would break
Dad in half.
That is not love.
I do love her trench.
So many trenches.
- Yeah, I kind of want one.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Should I?
- You would look
just like a French film star.
- Are you serious?
- I am so sold on it.
- Okay.
That's going to be you
in 20 years.
- Hey! Oh!
- No.
Such a diss.
[laughs]
Well, guess what, babe,
you're going to be married
to that.
A gentleman like that.
- Oh shit.
- Passion--
- No, it's Dad.
- Oh my God! What's the plan?
- Hurry.
- [grunting]
Ow.
- Just get up.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- Move your ass.
- Hey.
- Get down. Get down.
- Huh?
Oh, I don't want
to see this.
- What's he doing?
- Hey.
- Hey, Alan.
- I missed you.
Feel better?
- All right.
- You were sick, right?
- Oh, don't have that
for lunch.
- Sauerkraut, mustard.
- He's getting
a fucking hot dog.
- Cholesterol nightmare.
[indistinct TV chatter]
- Driving on nine
- What the hell is
going on with her?
- I have no fucking clue.
I thought I was going
to be planning her wedding,
not feeding her
Lucky Charms.
- [sighs]
- Bye, sweetie.
- Have a great day!
- Driving on nine
I sure miss you
Past the motel
Looking at the pines
[robotic voice]
- You have one new message.
[beep]
- Hi, it's me.
I'm sorry that we keep
missing each other.
I need to stay here
for a few more days.
Just call me back.
[beep]
- Hey.
- Going by
- Hello.
- Driving on by
- What are you doing?
- Just borrowing a shirt.
What are you doing?
- It's my closet.
- [grunting]
God, yeah...
Can't control my arm.
[laughs]
Teri! You're crazy!
[indistinct chatter]
- Driving on by
- Whoa! Oh!
[laughs]
- Gotcha.
[kissing]
Oh my God.
What is that?
- It's an eyebrow ring.
- Yes, it is.
- Well?
- Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez.
- Shut up.
- I love it.
- You do?
- Yeah.
It's, like, really hot.
- [laughs]
- It's like squatter-hot.
[kiss]
- No, don't, don't, don't.
- What?
- Don't--don't touch it.
Because I don't want it
to get infected.
- Really?
It's un--untouchable?
- Aw, fuck it, I don't care.
[kissing]
Let's have drinks.
- Let's do that.
- Let's have so many.
[snoring]
- You have to get up, Dana.
Dana!
Oh my God, you barfed.
- No, I didn't.
- This is how Hendrix died.
- Okay?
- [groans]
- You can't kick me.
I'm trying to help you.
- I can't!
- I have to go to school, Dana.
- I don't.
- You have to go to work.
Let's go to the bathroom.
- No, don't do it.
Shut up.
- Oh my God, I'm gonna kill you.
- If you want
to use the bathroom,
then use the bathroom
by yourself.
- I don't need
to use the bathroom.
- I'm not here
to be your counselor!
- I have to go to school.
Your butt crack's in my face.
- Good, then enjoy it.
[laughs]
- What?
Ben called again last night.
For the millionth time
in two weeks.
- [groans]
- I don't think
he's going to keep calling.
[snaps]
- Oh.
- Dance, Badelia, dance!
- Oh my God, Ali.
[waves lapping]
- I'm locked in here
while the world continues
to buzz around me.
I've become nothing
but a plant to water.
A piece of furniture
to dust.
I'm vanishing.
Turning into skin particles
floating around the apartment.
Particles that bore me.
Two sons
and one miscarriage.
[pages turning]
[whispering]
It's your line.
- It's on page 74.
Sorry, everyone.
- That was a shit show.
- My God, did you hear
my stomach growling?
It was like another character
in that play.
You know--thank you--
it was just so--
- Badly written?
- I'm not really concerned
with the quality of Dad's work.
- I'm glad it's
a pile of shit, okay.
If it were better, more people
might actually see it.
Mom would be
even more humiliated.
- Do you think that she was?
- He made us boys
and put the mother in a coma.
- Good point.
[indistinct chatter]
- Someone who can capture that
like Carla.
Do you know Carla?
- Uh-uh.
Carla?
- Ah, thanks for coming.
- Holy shit.
[indistinct chatter]
I think that's C.
- Oh my God.
- What do we do?
- This old lady
just pinched my ass
and winked at me.
Are you old enough
to drink?
- Mind your own business.
- I will take that from you,
thank you very much.
I am leaving.
I have a splitting headache.
[kiss]
And that's getting infected.
- I know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I will see you at home.
- Oh...
I can't believe
we're all just
in C's house right now.
- Yeah, I'm going to take
a dump in her bed.
- Who--who is C?
- Who are you?
I'm going to go snoop
in her medicine cabinet.
- [gasps]
- Wow.
Not a fan.
- No, C is my dad's mistress.
- Wow.
That's funny, I was thinking
she looks like your mom.
- Yeah, that's really funny.
- She's a terrible actress.
- This is the home that
she shares with her husband.
Why would my dad
bring us here?
- Yeah, and also
you brought me here, you know.
It's like a play
within a play.
There's even someone
in a coma.
- Why would he do it
to my mom?
And in front of
his teenage daughter.
- Yeah, it's twisted.
Let's get out of here.
- I don't want to--
I'm not in the mood to--
whatever.
- Are you worried
about your sister?
- Yeah.
- She's gonna be fine.
- Well, that's--
how do you know that?
- Because we're grown-ups.
We all know monogamy
is impossible.
So it's better she learns
that now from her own family
than have it be some
like forbidden fruit
that tears her heart out
later in life.
- Is that what you believe?
- [laughs]
Look at us, you know.
- Oh my God.
[all singing]
Happy birthday to you
- Happy birthday dear...
Jeffrey
Happy birthday to you
[applause]
Jeffrey! All right.
Okay, Max, hit me.
Ah! Come on,
one more time.
One more time.
Come on, hit me!
Ah! Come on.
[laughs]
You guys love it
when the shrimp
misses my mouth.
- We're too old
for this place.
- So...
What did you guys
think of the play, huh?
- Well, you put mom
in a fucking coma.
- Hey, Columbo,
I'm the one in the coma.
- [sighs]
Okay, can I go?
I have a test tomorrow.
- They're about to make
the volcano onion.
- She does.
She has a test.
- Fine.
[distant applause]
- It's nice to see
you two be sisters.
- I think most of her friends
think that I'm like
her weird aunt.
- [snickers]
- What?
- You're the only one
in the family who says aunt.
- Aunt?
- Too much Jane Austin.
- [slurping]
- May I ask you...
a question?
- [slurping]
- Shh, shh.
- Excuse me, hi. May I please
have another of these.
- Yes, and make it two.
Do you have to, like,
slurp it down?
- [slurping]
- I mean, Max, he notices.
- The same person
who threw food at your head?
- I asked you a question.
- You're afraid that
I'm going to offend him?
- I asked you a question.
You didn't answer it.
- You didn't.
You asked if you could ask--
- What are you doing home?
- Oh.
[sighs]
I don't know, Dad.
What do you want me to say?
I'm flailing, okay?
I'm just trying to figure out
if the life
that I have picked for myself
is even the one that I want,
and I don't...
even know if I'm allowed
to ask that question.
- You may never
figure that out.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Well, why did you want
to marry Mom?
How did you know?
- She had great legs.
And the mouth
of a truck driver.
- [laughs]
- Truth is...
your mother is
the best partner I ever had.
I wanted to be better for her.
She made me think
I could be.
[squeaking]
- [sighs]
[soft music]
[grunts]
[groans]
[phone rings]
[phone rings]
- Hello?
- I got--I got
my eyebrow pierced.
- What?
- And then it looked
really dumb,
and it got gross,
so then I took it out.
- [sighs]
Sounds like you've been busy.
- [laughs]
What are--have you
been up to?
Did--did you get
any new holes in your body?
- Oh, I've been here
just holding down the fort.
- I miss you.
I miss your voice,
and I miss you
a very, very lot.
- You've got
a funny way of showing it.
- I think I just got
really scared.
- Of what?
- I don't know.
Us?
[sniffles]
And then this thing
with my family,
it's like I'm surrounded
by these people
who never asked
any questions.
There are just all of
these little things
that I haven't said.
I don't know, I haven't taken
a shower by myself
in the last five years.
- So, shower alone.
I'm not forcing you
to shower with me.
- [sighs]
I want to come home.
- I have not heard from you
in two fucking weeks.
- [sighs]
I know.
And I'm sorry.
[exhales]
Ali and I are still going to go
to the Halloween Parade,
and your costume
is still in the closet.
And I totally get it
if you just don't want to go,
but I really hope
that you do.
And I love you.
[sniffs]
Ow.
[indistinct chatter]
[slamming]
- Be quiet.
- Okay.
[distant whistle]
[clicking]
[thud]
Sick.
- Hurry up.
- I'm hurrying.
Holy dang!
[locker slams]
I feel like if you bring
this much money to school
you do not need it.
Hey, since you live downtown,
would you mind picking up the H
for the party later?
- Without you?
- Yeah, I mean,
it's really easy.
I'll tell you where to go.
- Yeah.
[wind blowing]
[elevator dinging]
- Happy Halloween.
Ooh, this is spooky.
[gasps]
Ali, one per customer.
- I feel like
such an asshole.
- You are such a thief,
and you are an asshole.
This is fun.
Don't be in a bad mood.
[rings bell]
I didn't think I'd get
to do this again.
Happy Halloween!
Trick or treat!
- Happy Halloween.
Trick or treat.
- Oh, hi, girls.
- Thank you.
- Oh, thanks.
- Look, Emma, it's--
- Oh, we're
the California Raisins.
[laughs]
Cute, a nerd. In costume.
[laughs]
Happy Halloween.
- I think we have
to tell Mom.
You know, I don't think
he's ever going to.
- He's not ready to.
- He's never going
to be ready.
- Can I just say...
you don't understand
what he's going through.
Dad loves Mom.
But now he's terrified
of hurting her.
So, it's not that easy.
- Yeah, he should've
thought of that
before he titty fucked
some woman
whose laundry
is full of dry clean only.
- [clears throat]
You went through her laundry?
- I'm telling her.
I'm telling her right now.
- Stop! Stop, stop.
Stop, Ali. Please.
Oop!
Pardon me.
- Mom? Mom, we have
to tell you something.
- We're going to be late.
- You guys look so cute.
No, wait, just one picture,
just one picture, please.
Go--um, just be a raisin, okay.
Oh, that's cute.
Move around a little bit.
[plastic scratching]
- Like this?
- Oh, that's adorable.
- How about a little of this?
[thud]
[smack]
- Alexandra.
Please tell me you are
holding these for a friend.
- You smoked
for 20 years.
- My gynecologist
smoked then.
- Okay, great,
we heard it.
I'll talk to her.
- This is bullshit, okay?
Bullshit.
Both of you are hypocrites.
I'm so over this.
- What the fuck
just happened?
- I'll handle it.
I got it.
[groans]
She's just being scary.
It's Halloween.
She's a scary--
a scary raisin.
[dance music]
- La la dee la la da
La la dee la la da
La la dee la la da
La la dee la la da
In my sleep
I see you hanging
Reaching for me
Although I'm falling
[indistinct chatter]
- Come on, darlin'.
It could've been that bad.
- Watch it. My ex...
- Can I get a white wine?
- You got it.
- [sighs]
- I don't think
he's going to be there.
It's making me sick.
- Okay, well, I mean
you cheated on him,
and you ignored him
for two weeks.
So, I probably wouldn't
show up either if I were him.
- Yes, but just
take into account
that he doesn't know
the cheating part.
- Good.
You take that
to the vault, okay?
- Why? What?
- You just throw away
the combination.
Because he never
has to know about it.
Anything.
- You--
Ugh!
Ooh.
It's that time of the month.
[both laugh]
- No.
- You know, you are really
a weird little bird,
you know that?
Mime. Sorry.
- You're a weird
little bird.
- [laughs]
- I just want you
to be happy.
- [sighs]
- He's here.
- How's my raisin?
- It looks really good.
You look awesome.
- You forgot to make
a pee hole for this thing.
- [laughs] Aw.
- Hi.
Oh. Hi.
You're crying.
- I know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- What's the matter?
- You look so nice
in this box.
You are so nice
to wear the box.
- I love it.
I mean, I hate it,
but I love it.
I'm wearing it.
- You are so good.
- Yeah, you are too.
Okay, you're freaking me out
right now.
- Okay, yeah.
I'm not good.
- What happened?
- I did something bad.
- Okay. Just what?
What?
- A couple weeks ago,
after we saw--
after we went
to the party, I--
when I was at the party
and I was talking to Nate there.
And then--
- No!
Oh, my fucking God.
- Please, please, please.
Let me finish.
- Did you fuck him?
- I'm not putting
my words together.
- Did you fuck him?
You fucked him!
- [crying]
- I knew it.
I fucking knew it,
and I didn't say anything
because I'm a fucking chump!
- No, no, no, no, no.
I am the chump.
- I can't believe you.
- Ben? Ben, please.
Please, please!
Ben!
- You drop your box, Raisin Man.
- Fuck you!
[disco music playing]
- Never was
a disco man myself.
- Neither was my husband.
The coke was great.
- [laughs]
Yeah, so I hear.
Divorced? Widowed?
- Uh, what if I'm neither?
- Somebody married you.
So how long
you been divorced?
- I'm not.
- Looking for a third?
- You're not his type.
- You're a real pisser.
- [laughs]
My husband used to think so.
- I'm Mitch.
- Let's dance, Mitch.
- Who knows how to disco
like it's 1975?
[disco music plays]
- Dim all the lights,
sweet darling
'Cause tonight
It's all the way
Hey, baby,
Turn up the old Victrola
Gonna dance the night away
- [sniffs]
What did I just do?
- Badelia be crazy.
- I just didn't want
to be Dad.
- You're not Dad.
- You should've seen
his face.
He's never going
to talk to me again.
- Yes, he will.
I mean it.
It will be okay.
Um, can you just wait here?
I have to pick up
something for a friend.
I'll be back
in, like, a second.
- No, thank you.
[door slams]
Who do you know
who lives here?
- Um, don't worry
about it.
- Ugh, Ali, no,
I hate that, okay.
And also this has been
a horrible, long night.
Can we please just go home?
- Yeah, just wait
right there, okay?
- [sighs]
Is this dripping?
- Bag and a bag?
- Uh, yeah. Two?
- Two and two.
- What? Wait, he's taking
my money.
- He'll be right back,
freshie.
- Is this your friend?
What did--
- Just be quiet, okay?
- Why?
Is this a drug deal?
Are you buying drugs?
- Shut the fuck up, trash bag.
- Uh, take a better look,
cool guy.
I'm a California Raisin.
- Dana! Can you just--
can you be cool, please?
- No, I can't be cool.
I've had the worst night,
and I don't know why
you would bring me
to this gross place.
No offense.
Let's just go.
[glass shatters]
Ooh! Oh my God!
Is that a needle?
- Just calm down, okay?
- I don't want to calm down.
- It's for a friend.
It's not even for me.
And this is not, like,
a regular thing for me, okay.
It's--it's a holiday.
- The holiday is Halloween,
which is not typically
a heroin holiday
on most people's calendars.
You're so smart.
Why would you do this?
You know that people do it
one time, they get addicted--
- I did it once.
I'm fine.
Jesus Fucking Christ, Dana,
not everything
is so black and white.
Like, you can--you can fuck Nate
and still love Ben, right?
- Oh, shit!
- Okay. You need
to just step out.
You're not
in this conversation.
[sighs]
[footsteps on stairs]
- So, Mini Trash,
want your shit or not?
- Not.
[muted yelling]
- Five-o! Five-o!
- What is that?
- I don't know.
- Yo, run, raisins, run!
- Go, go, Ali!
Go, go, go, go, go.
- Hold on, ladies
- Are you kidding?
I just said no.
- And I'm sure Nancy Reagan
would be real proud.
But you're trespassing.
Come on.
- All alone
All alone
[Alan laughs]
- Like a near-sighted dog
with a bone
Aw, but it's better
- Hey. Lenny's on HBO.
- Yakking on the phone
I gave her everything
- Remember I took you
to see him on our first date?
Then we went to night court
to watch hookers
and pimps get arraigned.
[laughs]
What's...
What's gotten into you, huh?
Hi.
[kissing]
[heavy breathing]
[exhales]
[moans]
[cries out]
Oh. Oh!
- Ah, oh.
[sighs]
- Oh.
- I'll be rich
- [gasps]
- But so all alone
[applause]
Alan?
- What?
- Which one of us
fucks better?
- What are--what are you
talking about?
- Just--just stop, okay.
- Really, Patty,
I don't know what you're--
- Stop.
Stop lying.
I know about Carla.
I read all the stupid...
fucking shit that you wrote.
- Are you serious?
It's a play.
It's--it's for the play.
- I should chuck that
fucking computer at your head.
- Patty, I--
- Just stay,
stay where you are.
What was your plan?
Were you ever
going to tell me or...
Why her and not me?
- Because she knows
I'm alive, okay?
- She knows you're alive?
Really?
When was the last time
you or anybody in this house
ever even looked at me?
- You think I'm a failure.
You said it
right in front of Ali.
- I did what?
- You don't even
like me anymore.
- Look, I married you, okay.
Can we just assume
that I like you?
- I don't have to assume
with her.
She tells me!
- Really? She tells you what?
That you're so great
and that she loves you.
- Yeah, for who I am
and some other person
she wishes I could be.
I had...
I had no idea...
that this was
going to be anything, Patty.
I don't want
to lose you.
And the girls.
- You broke the rules.
[phone rings]
[sighs]
[phone rings]
[indistinct chatter]
[door unlocking]
[door squeaks]
- [sighs]
[laughs quietly]
[door buzzes]
[door slams open]
[soft music]
- Hey.
[patting]
We're home.
We'll all talk
in the morning.
I'm gonna find a spot.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Mom?
[sighs]
Mom?
Oh my God, Mom.
We're okay.
I'm so sorry. We're fine.
We're fine.
Mom, we're totally fine.
- [sniffs]
Your father fucked up.
[laughs]
- We know.
- You do?
- We haven't known
for very long.
And we also weren't sure.
- Yeah, but I should've
told you.
- No, no, no.
You have nothing
to apologize for.
I've known
for a little while too.
[sighs]
- [coughs]
Oh.
[hacking cough]
No.
[sizzles]
[coughing]
[hacking cough]
- Come here.
I love you guys so much.
Even when you make me crazy.
You're the best thing
that ever happened to me.
You know it doesn't
always wind up like this.
Right, it doesn't
have to end up like this.
- This isn't so bad.
[knocking]
- Saw it in her eyes
- I don't want to see you.
- Oh, it wasn't what
she said
She came together
like a dream
[door unlocking]
That I didn't know I had
From the sleeping life
I lead
- Hi.
- You think you're being cute.
But you're being
a fucking asshole.
[phones ringing]
- I can't recognize
The one in front of me
Oh, the truth
is I don't mind
And then it finally
came along
Turn around
and then he's there
Oh, the lovers I've...
[crashing]
- [laughs]
- I want to know you
I want to show you
- I love you.
- I love you.
Thank you.
- Um, I made you this tape.
- Oh. What a loser.
- I called it.
I knew you'd get back together.
- Yeah, you know everything.
- Yeah. Bye.
- Bye!
- Want to get high
and watch "Zelig"?
- Not really.
- What's up?
- What do you mean?
- You're not saying anything.
- Neither are you.
- My mom wanted me
to invite you
to my grandma's
80th birthday party.
[laughs]
- Oh.
- They call you
my girlfriend.
Is that okay?
- I like you.
Like, like a lot.
Um, just seems like
in a year from now
we're going to be
at different schools.
And, like, I don't even know
where I'll be, you know.
And it's, like, at some point
either I'm going to hurt you
or you're going to hurt me,
and...like we're friends.
So I just want to stay friends.
- Got it.
- What time is it?
- It's probably 3:00.
- Yeah, I should go.
My dad's probably downstairs.
- Fuck his car up.
[laughs]
- So, you put your blinker on.
Check your rearview mirror,
your side mirror.
- I know.
[engine turns over]
Where am I going?
- Poppy's house.
- You moved in with Poppy?
That's depressing.
- Thank you.
It's not that bad.
He spends most of his time
in Atlantic City
with a flavor of the month,
and I feed his cat
while he's away.
- Yeah, I don't really
want to go to Queens.
So, can you just,
like, sign the papers
and say we completed
the hours?
[shuts off engine]
- You have every right
to be upset.
- Cool.
- You'll never know
how sorry I really am.
But I'm not leaving
this family.
- You keep saying that.
How does that actually work?
- I have no fucking idea.
[laughs]
- [snickers]
- [sighs]
- Have you ever thought
about the possibility
that Carla's just filling
a void you created for yourself?
- A void?
- Yeah.
- What is that?
Like Oprah?
- No, God, why does everyone
think I get my shit from Oprah?
- Because your shit
is far too wise
for the amount of time you've
actually been on this planet.
[both laugh]
All right.
[engine turns over]
- So, Poppy has a cat?
- Yeah, I've never
actually seen it,
but I smell it.
- [laughs]
- Easy. Okay, you got it.
Okay.
Easy, easy, easy.
[brakes squeal]
Watch out for this girl
in the short skirt.
- I'm going to take a bath.
- [sighs]
I want to glue him
to the wall
and take a flame thrower
and shoot fire
into his hair.
And then just take some ink
and shoot it into
his fucking blue eyeballs.
- Okay.
- Also kill him.
- Stop.
I can't keep having
this conversation with you.
- If you didn't want
to have the conversation,
you probably shouldn't
have told me about it
because the image
of you two fucking
is in my head.
Do you know
what that's like?
- No, I don't.
I didn't want to lie
to you anymore.
- Cheating's lying.
You told me
so you could feel better.
- Just because
I did one shitty thing
doesn't mean
I do all shitty things.
I did a stupid, gross thing,
and I'm endlessly,
endlessly sorry.
I'll always be sorry,
but I also can't undo it,
and I don't know
what to do.
I love you. I love you.
And I hate myself.
And I just...
I just, I...
[crying]
I don't know what else to do.
[door closes]
[magazine slaps]
[splashing]
[knocking]
- [sighs]
I mean...
do you think I wasn't
scared and bored too?
- You asked me
to marry you.
- Yeah.
[laughs]
Because I wanted
to marry you.
But, yeah, it's terrifying
thinking I'm going to spend
the rest of my life
comparing everybody else to you.
- I know.
- I--I mean, what happens
in six months?
- I don't think
either one of us
can say that
it's going to be perfect.
But I can--I can say that
I love you.
And I just want
to live a life
where we're always
choosing each other.
And I choose you.
If you'll let me.
- [sniffles]
- [sniffles]
Will you take a bath
with me?
- Will we have sex in it?
- [laughs]
You know that doesn't work.
- We're going to fuck
in this tub.
- You're gonna get
your elbows bonked.
Oh, no!
[laughs]
[splashing]
- Of course you can, honey.
- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday!
- [laughs]
I'm sorry.
- Hi, Mom. You look pretty.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Happy birthday.
- Hi. Nice to see you.
- Is that mine?
- Guess what it is.
It's a trench!
- Oh!
- She got one for herself too.
- I did,
but it's not matching.
So, we won't be dorks.
- Maybe I should get one too.
- No, no, don't.
- Yes.
- What are you wearing?
- This is what you call
a fashion statement.
You love these suspenders!
- I love it.
She looks like
an adorable Doug Henning.
- I'm not saying
they're not cute.
I'm just saying people
are going to assume
that you have
to pull your pants up
because you're wearing
a diaper.
- I think they're adorable.
- I think it's so--
- A cute diaper.
- I'm taking this away
from you.
- No, you ain't.
- No, come on.
- I'll have it.
- Slow down.
- You've cat to be kitten me
right meow.
- Yeah!
[laughs]
[laughter]
- Whoa!
- You didn't really
just say that?
- I've been waiting six months--
- That's my guy.
You cat to be kitten me
right meow, my Ben.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Happy birthday, Ali.
- Thanks.
[kissing]
- Hi.
- What? No gift?
- It's parked outside.
- Really?
- You look great.
- You look tired.
- Is there something outside?
- Honey, it's a brand-new
horse and buggy.
- Be careful, it bucks.
- I don't even get
two presents out of this shit?
- You are such a tiny asshole.
- [laughs]
- Happy birthday.
- Hey, Ben.
- Hey. How are you?
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you too.
- Long time.
- Yeah.
- Thanks for inviting me.
Well, ah, Max!
My man!
- Yay!
- Yay, he's here.
[applause]
- He's a family member.
- Looking sharp.
- He's my long lost son.
- Oh, whoa.
- You have the shrimp, right?
- Can you--Max?
Can you put the shrimp
on one side of the grill,
not near the meat because
I'm developing a little allergy.
- She's "allergic" to shrimp.
- I am. It gets me flushed.
- Is that the stuff
that's really hot?
- Yeah.
- I think that got me last time.
- So what are you drinking, Ali?
- That's a birthday drink.
[soft music]
- It's--yeah.
- And you guys
just let that happen?
- Are you kidding?
- Ladies--
- You remember when she
went to jail, right?
- She's--
[laughter]
- What do you mean "she"?
What about you?
- I was--
- You were an accomplice.
- I was a dingleberry
on the situation.
- You're the oldest.
- I didn't know what was--
- She can't even handle
her soda.
- Mom says I'm a heavyweight.
[laughter]
[chatter]
- Give her all the shrimp.
[laughter]
[cheerful music]
- I would have given you
all of my heart
But there's someone
who's torn it apart
And he's taken
almost all that I've got
And if you want
I'll try to love again
Baby, you can't love again
Without the love
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
But when it comes
to being lucky
People
When it comes to love
and need, people
But when it comes
to being lucky, people
That's how I know
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
Just to watch you
by my side
Just to help me dry
the tears that I'll cry
And I'm sure I will
give you a try
And if you want
I'll try to love again
Baby, you can't love again
without love
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
But when it comes
to being lucky, people
When it comes to love
and need, people
When it comes
to being lucky, people
That's how I know
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
I would've given you
all of my heart
But there's someone
who's torn it apart
Just to hold you
by my side
Just to help me
dry the tears that I'll cry
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
The first cut
is the deepest
Yeah, yeah, yeah
The first cut
is the deepest
[soft acoustic music]