Lano & Woodley in Lano and Woodley (2021) Movie Script

Ladies and
gentlemen, it's time for Lano
and Woodley
in Lano & Woodley!
Would you please welcome the
two guys that are in Lano &
Lano and Woodley!
Ladies and gentlemen, how are
we? Ladies and gentlemen...
Sorry, no...
Do you wanna start?
No, no, you go.
Yeah, OK. Do you want to?
Don't even know if...
Just excited.
Yeah, bit excited.
Saturday night.
Saturday night in Melbourne.
So, you go.
Yeah, OK. Maybe...
We're filming tonight.
You wanna go first?
I could.
Do something a bit different...
No, I think you should...
Maybe I'll go.
The way we...
Yeah, OK. Maybe you want a go?
You don't want...
You don't...
Do you want to go?
What do you want?
Maybe I should.
Yeah, you should.
Maybe you should.
You're the leader.
We gotta do something.
Let's say you're the leader.
We can't do this for 45
Go, go, go.
They thought that was funny.
Go, go.
OK, well...
Go, go. No, I think you should
Really? You think I...
You know what I'm feeling?
Let's try something a bit
Just for something crazy.
What, what?
Tonight, why don't I...
Why don't I do it?
What about... What about you?
What about you?
You know what I'm thinking?
What about you?
You know what I'm thinking,
Col? I'm thinking...
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.
Or you.
It's good to be here.
It's great to be anywhere!
Appreciate it.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like
to welcome all and sundry.
Oh, that's exciting.
Whereabouts is she?
Didn't you say we want to
welcome Sandra Sully, who's
come to the...
What are you talking about?
What are YOU talking about?
What are YOU talking about?
You just said we wanna welcome
Sandra Sully, so...
I did not welcome Sandra Sully.
why isn't Sandra Sully welcome?
She's a stalwart of
Australian television.
Of course she's welcome.
What have you
got against Sandra Sully?
I've got nothing against
Sandra Sully, OK?
When I said
I did not welcome Sandra Sully,
it meant I didn't specifically
welcome Sandra Sully.
Of course she's welcome.
You sounded pretty adamant to
You were like, "I did not
welcome Sandra Sully!
"I would never welcome that...
that Sandra Sully!"
That's the vibe I picked up.
Maybe I'm overthinking it.
Carry on. I don't really know
what I'm talking about.
I've seen this show every time
it's been performed
and I still don't know
what it's about.
Listen very carefully to what
I'm about to say. Right?
I said, "I'd like to welcome
all and sundry..."
Oh, all and sundry.
" tonight's performance,"
That makes more sense.
Yes, it does.
Yeah. Although that's a pretty
weird thing to say, isn't it?
All and sundry. All. ALL.
And sundry.
Who's...who's the
Who feels so special
they don't consider themselves
included in 'all'?
Maybe I'm a traditionalist,
but I would've thought that
'all' included ALL.
We do want to welcome all.
Sundry, you can get out.
Not to be mistaken with Sandra
Sully. It's great to have you
She's not here!
Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Look, it...
Do you reckon the whole show's
gonna be as good as this?
I certainly hope not.
Right. OK, let's move on,
alright? OK.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
uh...before we move on with the
I'd just like to make a public
announcement because...
Oh, yes. ..I don't know
whether you realise,
but there has been a pandemic
for the last 18 months or so.
Bit of a pandemic.
And a feature of the pandemic
has been the litany
of press conferences,
and a feature of those press
conferences has been the
and great work
from the Deaf interpreters
disseminating information
to the community at large.
Round of applause
for the Deaf interpreters.
What a great job they do.
They do an awesome job.
Great stuff.
Although, ironically...
..ironically, they wouldn't be
able to hear that, would they?
Oh, no - yes, they would.
Of course they would.
What...? Why would you say...?
No, they would.
Of course they would.
They're Deaf interpreters -
they're not Deaf interpreters.
How...? 'Cause that wouldn't...
How would that work?
They couldn't be DEAF
'Cause then, every time the
person said something, they'd
be like...
You know? So...
No, I can make that joke,
it's acceptable,
because I myself am Deaf, so...
You're not Deaf.
I'm tone-deaf, in terms of
what's politically correct to
Does that count?
Maybe... Is that enough?
I'm not sure who I'm
more disappointed in -
him doing that joke
or you for laughing so much.
Or you for writing that joke.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
we would like to apologise...
Yes. Would we? Why?
We would like to apologise
to the Deaf interpreters.
Because, about 10 years ago,
we did a sketch
about Deaf interpreters
and in the interim, I've
that that was a little bit
politically incorrect...
..and inappropriate.
Very insensitive. So I've
written a public apology that
I'd like to read out now...
Yeah. 'Cause... all the Deaf interpreters
of the universe.
'Cause it was
a different time back then.
Different time.
You know, you felt like you
Maybe we were a little
insensitive, and we
certainly... That's right.
Because it's very hard.
Things were different.
You know, I find it
very difficult to know
what is the right
and wrong thing to do.
Like, for example, these days,
am I allowed to go...
No, you're... No... No!
I'm not?
OK, good. It's good to know.
It's good to know.
No! You never have been.
I never have been?!
You never have been allowed to!
That can't be right.
You've never been allowed to.
Are you sure?
And you're not...
I never have been?
No. And you're not allowed to
go like that, and then like
I did get... I got
significant purchase tonight.
I got a little
overexcited and I got a
topographical insight.
He wrote that joke, and he
makes me do it - the whole
Shut up.
I say, "I don't wanna
do that one, Col!"
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a public apology...
Yes, it is. the Deaf interpreters...
Oh, yes.
..of Australia, and...
and the world, basically.
And while Col's making this,
uh, apology on our behalf,
I will be Deaf interpreting.
No, come on, guys - now's not
the time for that sort of...
Now it's a more, mm, sort of...
Here we go. Good luck,
..have come...
Come on, guys.
..the comedy...
That's the sun, by the way.
If you have to say what it is,
it's not different... Anyway.
..the comedy material
we performed 10 years back...
..a Deaf interpreter...
..was politically...
..and showed...
..a comedy...
..of that sort.
..the other hand...
..he's a massive prick.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
We don't wanna see that kind
of material tonight, Frank.
Well, I... People have not
come to see my show
for that kind of material
to be shown onstage.
Yeah, but... Come to see YOUR
You mean OUR show.
What did I say?
You said, "come to see my
show," as if it's just your
Well, it is pretty much my
I mean, you know, I wrote it,
I directed it, I produced it,
I've organised everything...
Well, that's true. it is pretty much my show.
You know, I mean, they've
basically come to see me over
you anyway.
No, it's a shared thing.
I don't think...
They've come to enjoy me,
and tolerate you.
Why would you say that?
I think it's a shared...
Well, that's the truth.
They probably like me
more than you anyway.
You don't wanna get into that.
Why get into that? They put up
with your shenanigans
but they prefer to watch me.
Col, I don't think that's...
Let's ask the audience
who they like better.
You don't wanna do that.
Let's get it
out of the way right now.
Don't do that.
Let's ask the audience
who they like better.
Hands up, who thinks I'm the
Hands up, who think Frank's the
Even though I know how that
joke turns out, it still hurts.
And I wrote THAT joke, as well.
And it was a little bit
different this evening,
When you said,
"Who like me the best?"
there was a significant
number of people...
Have you got some family in
Because there was... I
Look at the lovely table that
they've given us at the Comedy
Isn't that lovely?
That leg is rather wonky.
I mean, we're filming tonight
and that's the shitty table
that they've given us.
Isn't that lovely of them?
How many water bottles
do they think we need?
I don't know. I mean...
How thirsty so they think we've
We are? We got?
Last time...
Are! I dunno.
No, cut him some slack -
English is his second language.
So... Unfortunately,
he wasn't born with a first.
What? You're never born with
That was great, because I...
I was trying to hang shit on
him and make him seem like a
and I was the dickhead!
I hate that, when that happens.
I love it.
I would normally get very
pissed off about that table.
I would normally,
ladies and gentlemen,
but I've been meditating
I love it!
It's changed my life!
I love it. I've been
meditating. It's awesome! I
love it!
Ah. How long have you been
meditating for?
Started yesterday.
And then I missed today.
Um, but it has changed my life.
Meditation - it's better than
sitting around doing nothing.
acceptable to have sexual
upon if you're, say..
talkin' about...
talkin' about context
the shit out of your coworker
of positive feedback, though,
if you're...
the world will accept you
between God and humanity
Lord's teachings on the earth
to get everybody to accept you
spiritual sort of leader and
mouthpiece of God
and treat me as if I'm God's
Shut up!
Shut up!
Are you happy with your vote
now about who you like the
Shut up.
Why can't I be God's
I want to be God's mouth.
Is that the kind of song you
used to do when we were broken
when you were doing, you know,
all that solo stuff by
Is that the kind of stuff you'd
Those solo years
were very difficult.
Even after 12 years performing
there would still always
be someone in the audience
who'd call out, "Where's Col?"
Did you want me to stop doing
I was just flattered
that you came to every single
performance I ever did.
I appreciated the support.
that you'd become
This is a song about my cat,
by the way.
me, baby
have been around
through my window and pissed on
my bed
on my bed, they pissed on my
out of my mattress?
honey, if I put
of showing that you love me
Take it away, Frankie boy
take it away Frankie, baby
kinda funky loop pedal
with last time we tried it
it away, take it away, take it
take it away...
Can you just let me take it
away?! Sure.
Ladies and gentlemen,
for your enjoyment,
Frank is now gonna do a guitar
solo in front of a paying
Good luck, everyone. Here we
Not good so far.
Just the same note over and
over doesn't qualify as a solo,
but anyway, here we go.
Oh, yeah, kinda funky. That's
good. And what can you do now?
Oh... Whoo!
That's kinda close to kinda
average but anyway let's
That's good. Ow. Yeah. A-ha.
Whoo! Kinda funky.
Not enough to warrant
a round of applause, I think,
ladies and gentlemen.
I think just one single clap on
the count of three. One, two,
Great. Start.
of your silly cat crap
go through that cat flap
I don't want to see you anymore
and I know that for sure
a reconciliation,
with nerve sensations
a funny way of showing
That was good, Col. I enjoyed
It's a good song.
I enjoyed that, Col. It was
I don't like that table leg. I
don't like that table leg at
What...what is this cord
doing down here as well?
Oh, no. I put that in this
'cause it's attached
to this little clock here.
Oh, right.
So we can keep a track of...
Because last night when we did
the show it went for 12 hours.
So I thought it might be good
to... It's very untidy.
Like, if I come over here to
talk to, like, you for example.
What's your name? Lesley.
If I came over to talk to
Lesley, I could trip over and
fall on Lesley.
That would be...
That wouldn't be good.
That would be inappropriate
and dangerous.
Maybe just make sure
you don't get that close.
I just like to engage with the
people in the front row.
That's fair enough.
I might want to talk to Lesley.
I don't want there to be a
barrier between you and
Lesley. What's that?
We should get some tape and
just tape that down so it's a
bit neater. Oh, OK.
Yeah. Nathan? Nathan's our
stage manager. Nathan, can we
have some tape?
Can you... I need some tape.
Any tape over there?
Yeah. Thanks, Nathan.
Good on you. Thanks, Nathan.
You know what?
As a special treat tonight
because we're filming the show,
do you want to meet Nathan?
Do you want to meet Nathan?
The stage manager?
Come on out.
Come on, Nathan. Come on,
Nathan. Come out, Nathan. Come
About 35% or 36% of the
audience want to meet you.
Come on.
Come on out.
Come on, Nathan. Come on.
Who wants to meet Nathan?
Come on!
Come on out, Nathan.
No, seriously, they're waiting
Nathan. Now it's just rude.
That's just rude, Nathan.
They're waiting...
You've missed the moment.
You're just...
In fact, don't come out.
Should... Do we want to get
him out now?
No. It's totes awks now. We
You've ruined the whole show,
Nathan. No. Come out.
Who wants to meet Nathan?
Come on.
Come on out. No. That was
your moment, you fuck head.
Look. He's not coming out for
two reasons. One, he's very
And, two, he doesn't exist.
So that's...
Fuck head?
That was... Sorry about...
That was a bit much. I just...
OK. Alright.
So just give me a little bit of
tape and we'll tape this piece
of, uh...
You just want a little bit of
tape. Yeah. Just a little bit
of tape.
And we'll tape down the cord.
And then we'll make it...
We'll make it...
Is that a joke?
I just wanted a little bit of
tape. OK.
No. I just want
a little bit of tape.
I just want a foot of tape.
Not 12 foot of tape.
Just to start it off here and
then I'd figure out what I was
Don't we want to tape down
the whole thing across...
No. We do. But I just wanted to
start off here.
We can't just have
one straight of tape.
That's a waste of tape, Frank.
I'm terribly sorry.
That is a waste of tape.
Yeah. Sorry. I'll... Hey, no,
it doesn't need to be a waste.
It's a waste of tape.
It doesn't need to be a waste.
Because of the nature of the
glue on these sorts of rolls
of tape
you can save this,
you can just roll it back on.
You're fine.
No worries. That was...
Frank, that's not gonna work.
Just gotta make sure it goes
on perfectly straight or, you
There we go. Oh, hang on.
That's no good.
I can save this.
Frank, you can't save it.
That's shocking.
Alright. Frank.
You've got to be very careful,
because even if I'm off,
like, a millimetre here,
by the time I get down there,
it's all sorts of chaos
so you've got to concentrate.
But I'm sure... Oh, hang on.
I just need to...
I really. Oh, hang on.
Look. See, you've stuffed it up
already. Alright?
I can save this. I can save it.
You don't need to panic.
You've just got to find the
spot where they started
Just rip it off and start
again. Hang on. Where is it?
There it is.
There we go. You can save
this, Col. No. You can't.
You don't need to waste it.
You can use the tape again
if... Hang on.
Frank... I've just got to tease
it apart.
Just be patient. There's no...
The whole earth is depending
on us
being a little bit
more...patient about...
There you go. See, I've saved
it so we didn't need to...
Oh, hang on. I've done that
again. You did it again.
Hang on. Don't panic. Let's
Can you just come over here
for a sec?
I'm just gonna put this on
Frank, it's not...
I think I can save this.
You've just gotta find the
spot where...
Hang on. I made that worse.
Can you just pull it a little
tighter because... Or looser.
Maybe a little looser
'cause it's going...
No. Tighter. Tighter. Tighter.
No. That's... You've gotta...
Hang on.
Where's the spot?
I've gotta get where...
Look, just breathe. Breathe.
'Cause this is...
You can save it, Col.
You've just got to work back,
find the spot where... No.
That's gone on to the.. I put
that on to... Where's the
It starts on the... There.
See? It's all good from there.
It's all good.
I just need to make sure... No.
There's something about the way
you're holding it, I think.
Is it the way you're holding
it? Or maybe it's the...
You know, if I'm perfectly
honest with you, Colin,
I'm starting to lose confidence
about saving it.
Look. Frank, we're just gonna
have to rip it off and start
Alright? We're just gonna
rip... We're just gonna rip...
We'll just rip..
We'll just rip it. We'll just
rip it. We'll just rip it off.
I think you'll find that a lot
easier if you use your teeth.
Oh, OK.
Not just as moral support.
As a mechanical...
Oh, OK. That worked well. Yeah.
That's good. That's good. OK.
Oh, look at me! Look at me,
everyone. Look at me.
I'm like one of those girls
who's in the Olympics but
shouldn't be.
Hey, maybe I can make, like, a
little balloon animal or
like, a tape animal.
As a memento for Lesley.
That'd be fun.
I could make her
a little sort of creature.
It could be a snake
or it could be a worm.
I could give Lesley a tape
That'd be...
I could give Lesley a tape
That'd be...
Probably doesn't want...
He twists it,
he turns it into a creature.
Is it a flamingo? Is it
What's it going to become down
at the mall the man with the
he's making...
I think I'm hilarious.
He twists it. He turns it.
I think it's some sort of...
It's a virus. Arrgh!
Oh, Frank. Look.
You stupid little skinny man.
Oh, hang on a minute.
Just...take the tape for a
I've just got it round my thumb
Actually... Yeah. Just give me
the tape and actually I'll be
able to...
Why don't I take that?
But I'll be able to just...
If you...
You just give me the tape back
Just give me the tape back
and we'll be able to...
I think...
You can save this. As long as
You stupid little skinny...
Right. OK.
He twists it. He turns it
and a creature emerges.
Is it a giraffe? Or maybe it's
a hat. Maybe it's some kind
What is it, is the question.
That could be a leg
or maybe it's an ear.
We don't know as it becomes a
Can you hold that for a second.
I think that ear there...
And then the rest of...
That could be the face.
Is it a teddy's face?
Maybe it's some kind of...
And if he makes this work,
he'll think it's good,
but he can't 'cause he's not
as good as he hoped he was.
And then... But he...
Then you twist it
and you some sort of...
And you make it...
And that's a uterus.
That's what that is.
Entertaining and educational.
My God. Let's just tape this
down. Don't you want to
Yeah. I know where I'm gonna
start. Oh, do you?
Yes. I do.
At the start of the lead.
Just shut up.
I could start at this end
if you want.
Just cease and desist.
For goodness sake,
just stay out of it.
Do you want me
to straighten the lead?
I want you to shut up.
'Cause I think it needs to
be... Just shut up.
Would you just shut up?
Just shut up
and just let me do it myself
and I don't want your help
with anything
that I do now or in the future.
I just want you to shut up.
Come on, little man. Come on.
Come on, little fella. Come on
Come on. Come on now.
That's all from you, thanks.
Come on, mister.
Come on, mister.
You're blind, you're not drunk.
Come on. That did panic me
just for a moment there.
Sorry, just over here, little
guy. Yeah. There you go.
There... Good on you. Good on
you. Good on you.
Have a little lie down.
There you go. Off you pop.
That's my favourite
part of the show.
Now some quality, Lesley.
and I've got curls
on the top of my head
where the curly ones are
that causes me flack
and the hair on my back
they call me bear
they call me hare
at the hardware store?
and roll around on the floor?
when you shave your face
when you get to this place?
with a Sharpie pen?
why don't you
Col, I don't know
if all that swearing is...
I mean, particularly coming
from you when you say you're
Shouldn't you be
in a more calm state of mind?
You're absolutely right, Frank.
You're absolutely right.
Because the mediation teacher,
what was the first thing they
The first thing they said was,
"You've got to live in the
present moment," ladies and
Well...Live in the present
moment, Frank.
I've always thought
that the present moment..
Yep. That's...
Col? Col, are you there
Are you there, Col? Colin?
Colin? Colin, are you there?
Are you there, Colin?
Col. Hey, Col!
Col. Col. Hey, Col,
if you're there... Col.
Are you there, Col?
Colin! Col! Col!
Colin, if you're there, Col...
Colin, are you there?
'Cause if you're there, come
here 'cause this
Yeah. The present moment.
The present moment.
You've really been starved
of entertainment, haven't you?
I love the present moment.
It's my favourite moment out
of all the moments, you know.
I really enjoy remembering
having been in the present
moment in the past.
But I think it's particularly
crucial to look forward
to being in the present moment
in the future.
I love the present moment. Um,
I really want to go there, you
know. Wouldn't it be great?
What was that noise?!
We'll never know.
We'll never know what that
was. Hopefully it wasn't in my
What are you doing tonight?
Do you want to keep doing a
show with me?
If that's what you call it,
No. I just really want to go
there. It'd be great, wouldn't
it? One day.
I'm hoping to. I intend to.
But there's no guarantees, you
What are you talking about?
Well, I'm talking about
the Antarctic.
Haven't we been talking about
the Antarctic for ages?
Nobody's been talking
about the Antarctic.
We've all been talking
about the Antarctic for ages.
Nobody's been talking
about the Antarctic.
Are you gaslighting me?
Because we...
Nobody's been talking
about the Antarctic.
Well, can we talk about
the Antarctic for ages?
'Cause don't you think
it's one of the most amazing
landscapes in the world?
Like, for me, it's dream for me
'cause wouldn't it be
incredible to see a polar bear
in the Antarctic?
Well, you wouldn't see a polar
bear in the Antarctic
because they're from the
Well, that's why it'd be
You'd be like,
"What's that doing here?!"
"Did it swim all the way?
Surely that's... It couldn't...
That's about as far away from
where it should be as it could
If it was any further,
it'd be closer.
What are you talking about?!
I know what I'm talking about.
Look. The Antarctic is a
beautiful place. Don't get me
Do you think it's as beautiful
as Antarctica?
The Antarctic and Antarctica
are the same place.
Which is different from
Which is different to the
So, you're saying the
Antarctic and Antarctica are
the same place.
But the Arctic and Arctica,
different places.
You don't say "Arctica".
Don't I?
Nobody... Why is that funny?
Nobody says "Arctica".
People say "Arctica".
People do not say "Arctica".
People say "Arctica".
Earlier, I was talking to
and she said to me, "Do you
reckon the polar bears in
"are as cold as the penguins
in the Arctica?"
She did not say that.
She said "Arctica".
That's a pretty shit joke.
And blame her.
She did not say that.
Didn't she?
You want to talk about
something interesting about the
talk about
Scott of the Antarctic.
I love Scott of the Antarctic.
Who's he?
Scott of the Antarctic.
I didn't think anyone
was even born in the Antarctic.
He wasn't born in the
Scott of the Antarctic
wasn't born in the Antarctic?
No. He wasn't born in the
Went there as a toddler. No.
He went there in his, uh, 20s.
And lived there until his
No. No. He was only there
a few months.
He was there a few months and
we call him Scott of the
That's what I'm trying to tell
That's over the top.
That's too much.
You don't call someone
Scott of the Antarctic
if they went to the Antarctic
for a few months.
A friend of mine, Russell,
went to Thailand once for a
few months.
We don't call him "Russell
of Thailand". It's too much.
Why'd he go there anyway?
He tried to be the first person
to get to the South Pole
but he came second and then he
died on the way back.
He died?
Well, they should call him
Scott Who Went to the
Antarctic But Clearly Probably
Shouldn't Have.
Frank and Col split up for 12
and then Frank asked Col
to get back together
and Col said yes
and probably shouldn't have.
Just keep in mind, ladies and
gentlemen, this is not a TV
There's no screen, it's not a
movie or anything like that.
So if at any point in time,
you, as a group, want to rush
the stage
and beat the shit out of him...
I wouldn't be able to stop you.
Could be like
Murder on the Orient Express.
We all just back each other up.
We say, "We...I didn't do it.
And they didn't do it.
"None of us did it. But we all
did it. We all have to punch
him once."
Are you going to say anything
that's actually in the show?
Or are you just going to make
shit up all night, fuck head?
He's talking to you, Nathan.
Not coming out
when the moment was ripe.
Nah, come on, guys.
This is ridiculous.
I mean... I don't know,
how did we come to this?
How did we come to this? I'm
glad you asked.
the Big Bang went kaboom
were suddenly created
flying through the universe
made this matter all congeal
and all the suns and all the
went bl, bl, blaugh
of sea creatures
onto the land
but they died out
with their hair and boobies
legs and getting really brainy
there are all sorts of tribal
human beings
and planting wheat
like Alexander the Great
who came from England
who came out to Australia
Germany, I think
but eventually my parents met
I was born, I grew up
school and we became the best
of friends
They were good times, weren't
and we started doing shows
laughed and it was really,
really good
up and we were apart for about
12 years
sort of 12 years in the solo
in a show called Fly
all around Australia
Orville and Wilbur Wright
pandemic Have you heard about
the pandemic?
of an incident that's gone on
called Lano And Woodley
at the Comedy Theatre
although Nathan didn't come out
the moment there
Um, ladies and gentlemen...
It has been a...
..a very difficult year for
and for the first time ever...
For the first time ever I'd
like to actually sing a
serious song
because I think music can have
an incredible healing power.
And I'd like to sing
what I think is probably the
most beautiful, spiritually
healing song
that's ever been written.
This is Amazing Grace.
how sweet the sound
like me
I was totally shit-faced
Thanks very much.
Thank you.
Because I think it's important
to be able to...
We shouldn't be afraid of
those more confronting
I think it's important
to be able to...
Yeah. Good one. Good one.
All these people are getting
their lives back together.
They're going to be going out
for celebrations
and, you know, parties and
birthdays and ceremonial kind
of occasions
and maybe unfortunately
a couple of funerals.
Somebody's going to get up
and sing Amazing Grace
and in their head
they're gonna be going...
Now, this is a beautiful song
that got me through
the last 18 months or so.
This is an actual beautiful
one of the most amazing songs
ever written
and this really helped me
over the last 18 months.
This is a fair dinkum beautiful
OK. Have you got a backing
track, or...?
No. No. No.
You're gonna play it for me.
Oh, right. So, what key is it
Uh... T.
Col. Col. Col.
Col. Col. I think that...
Ladies and gentlemen, Colin
So good.
Great. He's good, isn't he?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
That was fantastic. I loved
that. Why are we stopping?
Why do you get to finish your
song but I don't get to finish
my song?
Is that what you're saying?
I'm only 100th of the way
through the song.
Yeah. But I would have
thought...''re cutting
me off in my prime.
Leaving people
on the edge of their seat.
What's gonna happen to the
bottles? Yeah. But I just...
What's gonna happen to the
bottles? Well, it's...
99, 98, 97, 96. Is it an
Is it some malevolent force?
Who knows?
Nobody will ever know.
Well, I would have thought...
Because you just think,
"Oh, they've heard enough."
Don't you know anything about
a narrative arc? A story arc?
Yeah, but...
Building the tension.
No. But isn't...
99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94,
93...91, 90.
What's gonna happen next?
Nobody knows.
You kids in the TikTok
generation, you don't
understand, do you?
Well, that's true
about us TikTok kids.
We do have
a very short attention span.
You've got no idea, have you,
about how to build up drama.
90, 80, 70, 60. Then it gets to
50, people lose their fucking
No, but isn't it just...
The first 50 have gone, what's
gonna happen to the next 50?
Well, aren't they also...
They're never gonna know, are
You've just cut me off.
People are having a lovely time
listening to my singing,
listening to the story -
40, 30, 20, 10.
They're never gonna know.
And then nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two,
And then in my version of the
song, in my version that we
won't hear,
in my version
the last bottle doesn't fall.
You know what that last bottle
What we're all looking for?
That last bottle represents...
I've changed.
I want them not laughing tears.
I want them crying tears.
And you've ruined it.
I'm so sorry.
That would have been amazing.
Wouldn't that have been
because your singing, it
really did elevate the
atmosphere in here
to this amazing spiritual state
and I can see it now, that
last green bottle not falling,
I'm so sorry, ladies and
I've robbed us all of this
incredible, cathartic
just because
of my lack of confidence.
I'm so sorry, Col.
And you know why,
ladies and gentlemen?
You know why he can take us to
that rarefied emotional space?
It's because of all that
meditating he's been doing, I
Absolutely. And it's not just
the meditating, ladies and
it's also being, you know, all
the Tai Chi I've been doing.
Oh, delicious.
Well, we all love a spicy
Not chai tea. Tai Chi.
You know, body awareness, slow,
controlled body movements.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I know the one you mean.
Based on that ancient martial
art. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And if you get a black belt,
you're ready if you're accosted
by an angry sloth.
Just show some respect, mate.
I'll show you mine
if you show me yours.
You know what I heard about
Tai Chi?
I heard someone say that
apparently Tai Chi, in China,
it's actually done fast like
But when they sent the
instructional video to
there was a mix-up
and it was accidentally
recorded in slow motion.
And we're the only people in
the world who do it slow like
Who did you hear say that?
Me. Just then.
The other thing about chi
that is fascinating,
is not only
is it the spiritual life force
in traditional Chinese culture,
but it's also an excellent word
to have up your sleeve
in a game of Scrabble.
Two letters, Q, no U required.
Whack it on a triple word
score, 33 points.
I defy you to not cream your
jocks over that result.
Did you say... Did you say
Why can't we just get a good
Why can't...
No, that's fantastic!
Because you were singing the
song about all the bottles
but then it was cut short
and the tension...
And then you theatrically
manifest that in, like, a
You are a theatrical genius
and you don't even realise it.
Don't be ridiculous. I know it.
Why can't we just get a good
table? That's what I can't
We're at the Comedy Theatre.
The show's being filmed
and they've just got a shit
stick table with only three
It's just ridiculous.
I know. It's...
Look at this leg here. What's
going on with that leg anyway?
No. Look,
this really is disappointing
because all he asked for,
ladies and gentlemen,
all he asked for was a
beautiful little sophisticated
black plinth
so he could put his classy
bottle of European sparkling
mineral water on it...
That's right.
..and be like a real,
proper cabaret performer.
And they give you this rubbish.
Yeah. Would Dame Nellie Melba
put up with this? Dame Judi
Damian Hardwick. None of them.
It's an outrage. I'm
I'm offended on your behalf.
Thank you, Francis.
Because, ladies and gentlemen,
in certain circles
Colin Lane is considered
one of Australia's comedians.
And I think that's only a
slight exaggeration. So...
What are we gonna do now,
I don't know.
What are we gonna do?
It's only got three legs,
You can't put a bottle over
there when you've only got
three legs.
Maybe it doesn't matter
because even though there's
only three legs, that's fine.
Just imagine
it's a triangular table here -
just put the things on the
It's fine. Look.
You don't want to put it there.
Just give me that.
Yep. OK.
That's all good.
That's not great because...
Hang on. Just give me that.
I'm happy with that.
Couldn't be happier with that.
I'm lovin' that.
Look at that. It's great.
But if you put it there you'll
find... Hang on. Just give me
I'm not picking it up again for
This is ridiculous.
It's just ridiculous.
I'm going to go and see if
Nathan's got another table out
the back
to replace it.
Nathan? Nathan, is there...
There's actually another table
here so we're good to go.
We're good to...
That wasn't enough of a
reaction from the audience that
I was looking for.
They're overcome with fear.
Run! Get out. It's spooky in
Anyway, I just can't believe
that we can't...
I know.
..have some quality equipment.
You know, like, we're trying to
do a show here.
We're trying to do a good show.
I'm offended on your behalf.
Just trying to get something
happening here.
'Cause I think it's one of the
worst... And give people some
I'd be furious if I were you.
And then they've just got no
They shouldn't treat you like
that. This is shit as well.
I can save this.
I can save this moment.
I reckon this is the greatest
that's ever been performed
on an Australian stage.
Table tennis.
Nuh... Alright.
You should be ashamed of
yourselves. Run!
Run! It's spooky
and they're shit jokes.
Let's just have a little relax
and just play some tennis.
And then we'll get our minds
back into gear
and then we'll continue
with the show.
OK. Good idea. We'll have to
wait until the court's
We'll just wait till the...
the court's getting ready.
OK. That sounds good.
Do you think of yourself
as a spiritual person?
What a lovely thing to ask.
If you're asking me
if I think that there's, like,
there's an old man in the
clouds, then not really.
But if what you're asking me
is do I think that love
is the essence of all creation,
then not really,
I don't think that either.
But if what you're getting at
is do I think there's some kind
of hidden intelligent purpose
behind all this seeming chaos,
then, nuh, don't think that.
But if what you're actually
trying to get to is...
Shoosh. Why don't you just
Like, shoosh your arse off.
Like, put your shoulder into
Colin, do you think of yourself
as being a spiritual person?
Well, I'm certainly more
spiritually enlightened than
you fucking fuck head.
Court's ready.
Oh. Great.
Here we go. Have you got the
ball? Yep. It's just here.
OK. Let's just warm up a little
Hey, why don't we have a game?
Yeah. Why don't we just have
a social game between friends?
Friendly little hit.
Nothing too serious.
No, of course not.
Why don't you serve?
OK. Why don't you serve?
Fock, fock, fock, fock, fock,
fock, fock, fock, fock...
That was in. That went in.
It was outside the line, buddy.
It was definitely in.
I'm really sorry.
It was outside the line.
You're not right. It was in.
It was so far out
it wasn't even funny.
It was so in it was far out.
It was one of the most in
things I've ever seen.
OK. You want to see who the
winner of that point was? Sure.
Let's have a look
on the slow motion replay.
Slow motion replay is OK by me.
Lesley, do you want to help us
with the slow motion replay?
Come on! Give it up for Lesley!
Come on.
Come on, this way.
This way.
Just go through
that little door there.
There's somebody
who's gonna take you through.
Round of applause for Lesley.
Come on.
Lesley, if you could just
stand there. Stand there for
Perfect. Just right on there.
We've got to keep the 1.5
thing, so...
Do you work, Lesley?
What do you work at?
You're a lawyer.
You're a lawyer!
Well, hopefully when I swing...
Just be careful on the stairs
on the way down.
Normally I swing this towards
but tonight I'm gonna do it
towards Col because...
That's right.
I don't want to knock your
teeth out
because that would end badly in a litigation.
So, Lesley, two hands.
Two hands is good.
And you saw the fast motion
so you just have to repeat that
in slow motion.
Thanks, Lesley...
Yeah. Thanks very much
for helping out.
..for volunteering.
We really appreciate it.
Thanks very much.
So, um... Alright. Alright.
Why don't we have a look
on the slow motion replay?
OK. That's a good idea.
Why...don't you serve?
OK. Why don' serve?
Just a friendly game between
mates. Nothing serious.
Of course.
That's the strangest ball toss
I've ever seen.
Slow motion fock.
Fock. Fock. Fock...
Fockety focket.
Pause! Pause!
Pause. Pause. Pause.
Pause. Don't clap.
Pause. Close up.
Take a big bow.
Come on, bow.
Thank you, Lesley.
Thank you so much.
OK. Good. Thank you, Lesley.
And just get rid of that table.
We're gonna do the stuff
with the bottles on the table.
Oh, yeah.
We're doing the dance around.
Well, maybe I can just leave...
Oh, no, 'cause we come through.
OK. I'll just go downstairs
and chuck it in a skip.
Yeah. Yeah. Just chuck it in
the skip. Yeah.
Just chuck it in the skip and
let somebody else deal with it
and just fill up some more
Yeah. Good on ya.
Don't you know
where tables come from?
Where tables come from?
Well, I would have thought...
Not really. No.
Frank, when two tables
love each other very much...
It's alright. I'm OK. I'm OK.
Oh! Oh!
You've... Oh...
Yeah. Oh...
Yeah. Oh, oh, oh...
OK. Come on, breathe through
the contractions. Just breathe.
Just breathe through the
contractions. We're here for
We're here for you.
Just breathe. Just breathe.
Just one more push.
One more push. One more push.
Just one...
Oh, Col...
Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, look. It's so beautiful.
Do you wanna...?
Oh, no, no, no. Give it to the
mother. Give it to the mother.
Give it to the mother.
Give it to the mother.
What's happening? What's
I think it's trying
to stand up already, Col.
Oh, that's the way. Keep
Keep trying.
Oh, God. It's like a little
baby giraffe or something.
Oh, so gorgeous, isn't it?
Look at it struggle.
That's it. That's it.
Keep going. That's it.
Thank you. Goodnight!
Thank you!
Thank you so much.
Captions by Red Bee Media