Larry Crowne (2011) Movie Script

- Hey, Sam!
- Hi, Larry.
Welcome to UMart.
Easy now. Easy. Easy. Try this, right here.
But they're not... Actually, Mr Avery!
- How much does this go for?
- $279.69
That was a wild ride from this horsey
for that little pickle bug! Wasn't it?
- I am so sorry.
- No, I understand.
This happens all the time,
but it's usually the helicopter.
You zone the entire depot, every rack,
before you punch out.
It's not just policy.
It's the right thing to do.
- What'd they say?
- You have to listen twice.
Larry Crowne to the
common break area.
"Larry Crowne to the common break area"?
Yeah, that's what I heard. I wonder why.
It's Employee of the Month day.
How many will this be?
Oh, I'm not saying. Nine.
Larry Crowne on deck, as ordered.
Hey, Vicky, where were you
in Alvarez' baby pool?
I had last week. What a dope.
Front office personnel are recommended
to leave the employee pools
to the hourly staff, Larry. You know that.
That's too bad.
You could've won a hundred bucks.
Cubby, make tracks, please.
Oh, I'm sorry. I was just taking a break
in the common break area.
You know, I think I know
what this is about.
I don't think you do.
- Crowne...
- Mmm.
There's been a restructuring ordered
throughout the UMart nation.
Now, "restructuring" is their word.
Ask me, it's a pain in the tuchis.
That's right, isn't it,
tuchis, where you get kicked?
- A Yiddish word, yeah.
- Absolutely.
- It's like the buttocks.
- Tuchis and buttocks, synonymous.
Well, it hurts when you get kicked back there
no matter what language you're speaking.
You bet.
I'm sorry, but we've come to a parting
of the ways, UMart and you.
Miss Hurley will explain.
UMart's policy is to never limit
the opportunities of our employees,
no matter their race, gender,
age, sexual orientation.
It's all published on the website.
A mandatory review of the records
of all team leaders has revealed
that you never matriculated
to a university or college.
That makes you a 4
on the advancement scale of 1 to 4,
4 being the least recommended.
You're limited in your opportunities
for all further advancement corporate-wide,
and that's something UMart does not do.
That's, uh, something UMart does not do.
Well, this sounds like you're firing me.
See, Larry, here's the problem.
Your lack of educational background
is gonna forever retard your movement
up the UMart ladder.
You're forever retarded, Crowne,
'cause you didn't go to college.
SMU. Class of '86. That's solid gold, man.
They just don't give those away.
Three years, Chico State.
So, that's why everybody's
made front office except me?
You and I
went head-to-head, Larry.
I mean, who'd have thought
I'd get promoted over you?
I chose the Navy
right out of high school.
I did almost 20 years.
Weren't you a cook?
We'd like to thank you for your service
to the nation, Larry,
and, frankly, in all seriousness,
for your service to UMart, too,
but that's over with now.
Absolutely. Hey, ho, hey, pizza left.
- One slice. Anybody want it?
- No.
No. No. No, no, no. No, no, no.
Listen, please, please,
don't, I cannot be fired.
These last couple years
have just been a bloodbath.
I mean, I have really taken a beating.
Hey, we've all gotten our clocks cleaned
by our ex-wives. Am I right?
Larry, the timing on something like this
is always a bitch.
It's always a bitch.
I thought I was gonna be
Employee of the Month.
Well, in a way, you are.
According to your website,
the position is still open.
So, once again,
this is Larry Crowne with an "E"
calling in regards to any possible
retail sales or management position.
It's been filled? Thank you.
Hello! You have got to be the manager,
am I right?
- Wish I could help.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks. Thanks anyway.
Times are tough.
Tell me about it.
I'm pointing out that
with very little effort
you can still pay off that 392 K you owe.
No, I can't.
And I was told refinancing
would always be possible.
Well, three years ago,
I would have given you half a
million dollars on your signature.
But things change.
You're now unemployed, and your house
isn't worth what you still owe.
Mr Crowne, I'm gonna get you
some complimentary coffee,
and we have a lot of good things
to talk about.
Lots of good things.
First on the agenda is
liquidating your assets.
No! Oh, no! No, no, no, no!
What the hell are you doing?
Larry Crowne, there has been a yard sale
at 8642 Derby Court
since Lionel Richie was
dancing on the ceiling.
That means I have a monopoly
on this location.
You go yard on me,
I will have to take you down.
Lamar, I lost my job.
No. You got fired?
- Yes.
- When?
Last Friday.
That's how they do it. On a bloody Friday.
Security walks you out.
Come Monday, the fired man
is the forgotten man. It's diabolical.
They said it's because I
didn't go to college.
And you believed that?
The Man wanted you gone.
Look at my skin color.
I know what I'm talking about.
So, you going on unemployment?
If I have to.
That's not gonna be enough
to cover your nut.
Taking a loan out to buy out
Denise's half of the house,
- that was a bad idea.
- Huh!
I told you how to avoid divorce lawyers.
You get married and you stay married.
Come on.
Come with me. Come on.
Hey, B'Ella. Got anything new?
Ooh, Larry! Dance lessons from the '50s.
You don't have any of these, I promise.
He can't afford them. He lost his job.
They let him go.
- Oh, Larry. I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.
And we gonna get him something better
than a job.
- An education.
- Oh!
Get you some knowledge
and you'll be fireproof.
Oh, yeah, that's right, Larry.
You're never too old to learn.
Just listen to my husband.
He hasn't called The Man boss in years.
Oh, yeah, I remember why.
Yeah! Yeah! I won! I won!
Whoo! I won all this money!
Well, Uncle Sam took his half.
That's gonna be 50 cents for the book.
They give these away for free.
Well, they do. I don't.
- Ten cents.
- Four dimes, two nickels.
- Twelve cents.
- Half a buck.
- Seventeen cents.
- One dollar and I'll take half off.
Keep it.
Larry, okay, 35 cents, Larry.
Dave Busik, Dean of Student Services.
Oh. Larry Crowne.
Nice to meet you, Larry.
Back to college, huh?
No, no, this is the first time ever for me.
I was in the Navy for 20 years.
Coast Guard. Adventure of a lifetime.
I was a cook.
Culinary specialist.
We teach a whole track
in hotel and restaurant food preparation.
Oh, no, no, no, no, I did that long enough.
Then I got into a whole different
line of work, until I was downsized.
I'm here to make sure
that never happens again.
Say, did you ever think about studying
tai chi?
- No, sir.
- Cured my diabetes, no lie.
I recommend Speech 217.
"The Art of Informal Remarks."
"From toasts to job interviews,
Speech 217 will teach you
how to communicate
with ease and confidence."
This class'll change your life.
And you'll like the teacher.
You ready to go to work? How about this?
- Speech 217, Econ 1...
- You bet.
- ...Composition 1. You learn how to talk.
- Right.
You learn how to do business, and you
learn how to write about it.
Three classes, but you're gonna
have to get in there, work.
I'm telling you,
every cop has to stop me, man.
Well, maybe
it's the leather jacket.
- No, it's not.
- Talia gave me this jacket, man.
She said I'd look like a brown James Dean.
Who's James Dean?
Hey! What's cooking there, Joe College?
Can you get this hunk of junk working?
I don't sell junk.
Let me get my good tools.
Larry Crowne. You've got a lot of
money in those albums of yours.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
They'll sell on the eBay.
I can show you how.
You know this machine is a classic, right?
Yeah, okay. But does it work?
It will for $800.
Oh, Lamar, I'm thinking like 200.
Okay. 700.
- 200.
- 650.
- Gonna be a long day with those two.
- Mmm-hmm.
- 630.
- 200.
Lamar, I have no money.
I'm out of a job. $200.
You're my neighbour.
625, and I'll throw in the oil change.
I have an idea.
Okay. This is a simple machine.
All right, this is your gas, your brake.
I want you to put your foot on
that pedal down there.
This is your starter button. Push that.
Nice. You gonna need a special license.
- How fast does it go?
- Oh, pretty...
No, the brake, the brake!
Sorry! Sorry!
It's got power!
Please enter your...
What sin did you commit to have a class
at 8:00 a.m.?
Earning a master's in comparative
political discourse
in the plays of Shakespeare and Shaw. You?
Well, I just started race-walking
at the track. It was fun.
I hope I am never like that.
When was the last time you looked at
your life and saw nothing but fraud?
How long have you been teaching?
I used to remember.
You're right on time.
I wonder if I make a dollop of difference
to anyone sitting in my classroom.
We used to, until Facebook and Twitter killed
whatever attention span they had left.
Well, it's 7:52.
Come on, we gotta get going.
Off I go. On my way.
Time for class.
That's a damn fine Zipper, mister.
It did get me here for a
nickel's worth of gas.
Didn't see you in the
scooter pit last term.
Oh, this is my first day of college, ever.
I love that.
You an ex-cop?
No. Why would you think that?
Tucking in a polo shirt makes you
look like one.
And the glasses don't help.
Well, no, I'm just a student.
You don't happen to know where the Speech
and Communications Building is, do you?
Didn't know there was one.
This is it?
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine.
My day has just been made.
Excuse me?
This class is canceled.
The state charter requires a minimum of
10 students per class
or else it costs more for us to be
here than not, so.
I mean, did you really want a class
at 8:00 a.m.? I didn't.
No. Okay, thanks, anyway.
Is this Speech 217?
See if you can find yourself a seat.
My name is Miss Tainot,
T-A-I-N-O-T, Tainot.
Not "Tie-knot". Tay-no.
This is what you are going to learn
to do in my class.
If you do not care about this class,
then neither do I.
If you do not participate and show
up with enough sleep
to make it through the 55 minutes,
three dawns a week, that I have to be here
then you do not care about Speech 217,
the Art of Informal Remarks.
So, get out.
Get out, now! Go, right now! Go!
It was worth a try. Well, when next we
meet, this is what we're gonna do.
Each of you is going to address the class
for the first time.
You will tell us how to do something
that you already know how to do.
Miss Tie-knot?
Uh, Tay-knot?
Who are you?
Steve Dibiasi. D-I-B-I-A-S-I.
Only two days before I gotta get up and
give my speech?
You may be dreaming.
Why are you here, Steve?
Dean of Student Services said
your class would change my life.
I gotta take this.
Yo. Dude, I left it right there.
In the cigar box, under the coffee
table, where it always is.
I didn't check there.
Repeat after me.
Steve cannot take calls right now.
Steve can't take calls right now.
He's learning to care.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Hi. We have Speech 217 together.
Can you believe
we have to get up and give a speech
in our very next class?
Yeah. She scares me.
- Oh, my God. Fancy this bit of destiny.
- Hello!
I've been thinking about you
and I don't even know your name.
Larry. Larry Crowne. Hi.
This is, uh...
- Lala.
- Lala.
Larry and Lala. I don't think so.
I used to be Kathryn, until I looked in
the mirror and saw a girl named Talia.
My real name is Celestina.
Celestina? How gorgeous.
Lance. Lance Corona.
- Wanna join my gang?
- You're in a gang?
I hang with like-minded
scooter enthusiasts.
I'll give you a text, and you can do
some free-wheeling.
You have entered Economics 1,
Econ Prime.
Trying to make sense of the complicated
structure of economic law and theory?
It's confusing
until you read this course pack
written by Ed Matsutani, Ph.D.
That's me.
Read this and follow me to economic
enlightenment and power.
That usually scares people.
Yet none of you have fled.
A good economic indicator.
Let us begin.
Only four of you.
This class is canceled.
Let's see. Oh.
Oh, hello.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I likey, I likey.
Hey! Who's home early, huh?
Ophelia, out of the pond.
First day of term calls for a celebration.
You'd think so.
You know what? I built a flamethrower
of a posting for WarriorWeb,
which, if I do say so myself,
would feed nicely as an outline for
Second Angel.
Good for you.
Yeah, then I crushed 1,000 calories
at 24-Hour Fitness.
You know no one's there after 9:00 a.m.?
Go figure.
After a smooth nap and a double espresso,
man, I hit three hours of Blog and Talk
for CyberShare. Whoa.
You don't believe me.
Why wouldn't I believe you?
I'm writing, Mercy. Look, this is what
I do, all day. That's what I do.
You're looking at porn.
So, yeah, Thought Police, take me away.
I saw some erotica. I'm a man, I admit it.
Took you a while.
Yeah, and it's not... it's barely porn.
And I'm not hiding it.
Yes, you are.
Everybody hides something.
I have no secrets from you.
I walk in that door and fill you in on
every high and low in my day.
Today's low?
A toss-up between a canceled Shakespeare
and an Intro to Ren Lit with 20 heads
who think the Renaissance is a fair
they go to every July.
My high? I'm drinking it.
Brain freeze.
No secrets. It's perfection. That is you.
It gets the bills paid.
See, that's what you hide from me.
I mean, you walk in the door pissed off
And I'm sorry, I have established
a beachhead in new media
while you still teach at
Vassar of the Valley.
And that is what you hide from me.
You look at Bra Busters Triple-X,
hoping I don't know
or don't care, but I do,
and I don't like it.
You know, it may look like I don't work
hard around here, Mercy, but I do.
I'm just a guy who is a guy being a guy
when you're not around.
Oh, well, and walking away is great
for a relationship.
I'm a guy who's
a guy being a guy!
That's all!
Everyone says that women's lacrosse
is not a real sport
because you can't body check,
but that's just not true.
If you want to get out your real
aggression before a game
just check yourself against the wall.
And then do 10 push-ups!
Be aggressive! B-E aggressive!
B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E! Be aggressive!
Thank you. Ladies lacrosse.
I didn't realise. Uh, who's next?
All right. I'll be the bad guy.
Miss Crowne, please.
You mean me?
Mr Crowne, excuse me.
My presentation will be on the very
particular subject
of how to prepare restaurant-quality
French toast.
But don't worry, I'll speak in English.
The key ingredients of restaurant-quality
French toast
are bread, eggs
milk, vanilla extract,
oil or melted butter,
cinnamon, nutmeg,
powdered sugar and eggs.
Ahead of myself here.
A few words about syrups.
Thank you. French toast.
Direct and informative.
Next, please.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I got one now!
You will dig it.
Are you clairvoyant?
No. Steve Dibiasi.
Testing, one,
two, three, testing.
Toaster waffles, the easy breakfast.
Put 'em in a toaster,
wait, pop 'em out.
Eat 'em like a sandwich.
No mess to clean up.
Ding-ding! Applause, please!
He got that from...
That was my French toast.
Who's next?
Well, my speech is on the five dance
steps every man should know.
The first of which is the commonly
known two-step, so.
And for the more advanced,
there's the butterfly.
As I said in chapter three
the science of economics is a
relatively simple discipline
told by hard numbers.
Anyone who can add, subtract, multiply,
and divide can divine its truths.
The social science of economics is told
by an ephemeral language.
Contracts, quality differentials,
pressure trends, the intangible
elements of the Individual Value Index.
Us? Scoot?
Subtle interpretation is required.
Yeah. Why not?
As is full concentration.
Your device, please.
They call them "smart phones", but only
dummies use them in my class.
Let us begin with the quality differential.
Like I don't
know a cop when I see one.
My Dell Gordo.
This is Lance Corona.
Classmate and, so far, good guy.
You gotta untuck the shirt, Lance.
So, you wanna ride with us?
Sure. Why not?
Snap along, Lance, or you
can't join the gang.
Okay, okay. You're in for a trial run.
Hey! How you doing?
Great! Where are we going?
You know, we'll just ride around till
we get a bit hungry
then maybe get a bite to eat.
You know a place?
- Yeah, I know a place.
- Great! Show us!
Follow me!
- Frank's a good guy.
- We're both veterans.
He did 20 years in the Marines.
Hey, kid. You pump iron, don't you?
What do you think?
- I think you're wasting your time.
- Really?
- Yeah, you should just do push-ups.
- Yeah?
Yeah, you see this body here?
One time, it was nothing
but a mass of chiselled muscle and bone.
Really? What year was that?
I better get going. I have homework.
No! We just got boosted.
Yeah, you should come with us. We'll go
check out some junk shops, thrift stores.
Would a yard sale do?
I know a spectacular yard sale.
It's open every day.
Then ye shall lead us, Lance Corona.
Let's go.
Frank, thanks very much!
You're welcome, Larry. Take care.
We're being invaded!
Larry. What kind of thugs did you get
involved with?
- Just my college buddies.
- College buddies?
Whoa, hey, hey, kid, kid, you...
TV trays. Postmodernism. That's art.
It's a bargain at 100 bucks apiece.
- For these?
- Yeah.
Look, if you want them,
let's get to haggling.
- A buck apiece.
- Ninety-nine.
- Two bucks.
- Ninety-eight. See how this is working?
Uh-huh. $2.25.
$97.50, and, kid, I do this every day.
These would look perfect on you.
And I think they'll fit.
- Could be really cute.
- Ooh!
I'm kidding with you.
Eight bucks and they're yours.
- You almost went for it.
- Uh, no, I didn't, I didn't.
$97.50, you were like,
"Whoa, that's a lot for TV trays,"
but no, no,
not really, when you think about it.
B'Ella says
he keeps his door unlocked.
How trusting.
So, this is where you disappeared to.
It's so cluttered and dark.
Lance, nothing but treasures next door.
Oh, look. He's a man, and he lives alone.
Are you two walking in
on all the neighbours?
Sal cuts hair and she's gonna tackle yours.
- She is?
- Yes, Lance. You need a haircut.
Where's your bathroom?
Uh, back through the bedroom.
Well, come on. First one's free.
How can you breathe with all this stuff?
I usually straighten up on weekends.
I've been busy.
Just go see Sal.
I'm gonna need some muscle here.
So, what is going on out there?
Just introducing you
to a little thing called feng shui.
Just gonna get rid of some of
this clutter here, okay?
Yeah, just, you know, don't go crazy.
Let Talia do her thing.
Okay? Life is easier.
Well, I did everything I could.
Now I see the Lance of my dreams.
Mr Lance Corona.
Raise your right hand.
Say something patriotic.
We'll be right back after these messages.
Welcome to the Street Patrol.
We ride for justice and beauty.
It's a full-time job, Lance.
Hey, Lance, remember to bring the sides
forward, pat down the back.
You are way cooler than you appear.
Well, you know, sometimes it just comes
down to a good haircut.
- Thank you!
- Had to be done, Lance!
Oh, Lance.
You know, every man falls
in love with Talia.
And you will, too, if you haven't already.
But I love her the mostest.
Know that right now.
Seriously, don't make me
keep my eyes on you.
- What's your real name, Lance?
- Larry Crowne, with an "E".
Don Gordon, with a "G".
Shake hands.
Look each other in the eyes.
Firm grips. No contest, but firm.
Hold it.
Stack it.
One word, Lance,
Peace, indeed.
So, this is feng shui.
Hi, Larry!
Pennies per mile, Lamar! Pennies!
I told you that machine was a classic!
I think he got me on that deal.
I've treacle and toffee
I've tea and I've coffee
Soft tommies and succulent chops
Please enter your destination.
I've chickens and conies
and pretty polonies
Miss Tainot!
- Miss Tainot!
- Excellent peppermint drops
I can't believe this.
Then buy of your Buttercup
This man is looking at me
It's Larry Crowne!
Right, hi!
I have you for Speech 217
in just a couple of minutes.
Yes, you do.
- I saw you singing.
- Oh, I'm just drowning out the GPS.
See? It never stops.
Well, no wonder, that's a Map Genie.
Back when I sold you such things,
I would've steered you toward a Vortex,
'cause the Map Genie has...
It's very complicated.
Well, no wonder,
the auto-on feature is engaged.
So, menu, select, features,
auto, voice select.
Change? Yes. On/off.
Off. Change? Yes.
Save, and back, back, back, back, and exit.
- How long was that broken?
- Ever since my husband installed it himself.
- Well, it's all fixed now.
- Thank you.
What are you gonna make us do
today in class, hmm?
You'll just have to find out.
Follow me.
Looking down at your notes,
your hands, is a downer.
Look up at your audience.
Find not one but three different focal
points and move your attention to each one.
Start on the one side,
looking into the eyes of whoever's there.
- Hello.
- Hi.
The center is where major points are made.
Make them there.
Once you've come to the other side, you know
you've included everyone in the conversation.
You don't wanna spend too much
time on any one focal point.
If you're looking and speaking
to only one of your audience,
that person may get the wrong
Who wants to be first?
If the balance on axis A
is the same metric as axis B,
deficits appear because of overhead,
taxes and reinvestment.
Miss Francesco.
Something very complicated.
Mr Crowne.
The break-even paradox
of the static-flow assumption?
That is the correct answer, from page 56.
Someone's been reading the course pack.
While economic law abhors an assumption,
the break-even paradox creates
a whole new metric,
an illusory flow that appears proactive
but is, in fact, static.
Holy smoke! You've got inventory.
Yes, I do.
Bad feng shui, though.
This is all unproductive capital sitting
here, unless you're selling it on eBay.
Never buy clothes you don't try on.
You have to feel the
fabric and test the drape.
- I don't.
- Take off your pants.
Take off your pants.
Get behind that rack and
take off your pants!
You know, I can't really afford
all these new threads.
'Tis gratis, Lance.
Lance, my boyfriend's here.
Put your pants back on.
Yeah, Lance.
Put your pants back on.
These are a little tight.
Hold on.
Two more, please.
I knew there was a reason
I skipped college.
If I hadn't taken Matsutani's class,
I'd never know how bad things really are.
My gross assets, my true debit flow,
my value index.
Well, if you need a job that'll hold
you over there, Kemo Sabe, just ask.
You can still work a line, can't you?
Yeah, I think so.
All right, just work it out with Raul.
He's tough, but fair.
I'm the boss of this kitchen. You know why?
- Because I'm tough, but I'm fair.
- Tough but fair.
You say you wanna work for me? Okay.
If you can use me.
Can I use you?
Hey, Nick, how many jobs you got?
Three, and I coach Little League.
En Amrica, tres, en Mxico, tres,
en Panam, uno.
How long has it been
since you manned a kitchen, anyway?
It's been a few years.
Bang this bad boy out, then we'll see.
Order up!
- Here they are.
- Okay.
You're gonna be on-call.
You don't like it, walk.
I need to stay in school.
You can stay in a convent for all I care.
- Just be on time and don't steal the flatware.
- Deal.
- I'm a good boss, right?
- Great boss!
Tough, but fair.
Thank you.
This may be beyond comprehension,
but there are many people
who dismiss Deep Space Nine
in favour of the original
or The Next Generation.
Although I, too, am a fan
of both of Roddenberry's visions,
there is no version of Star
Trek I do not enjoy.
As you can tell by my uniform,
had I the chance to
attend Starfleet Academy,
I would have studied the Life Sciences.
Who's cutting my class?
Where is Larry Crowne?
Maybe he got the flu.
Mr Mack, I apologise.
Please continue on with Star Wars.
In the deep space.
I can't even begin to tell you the
difference between Star Trek
and Lucas' Star Wars saga. It's...
Live long and prosper.
Bankruptcy. An economy
cannot be free without bankruptcy.
Its penalties are obvious,
but what are its rewards?
I am so sorry I'm late.
Dr Matsutani, can I still sit in?
This is college, Mr Crowne.
There are only two things you can't do,
smoke in the building
and use your phone in my class.
Thank you.
The advantage of a bankruptcy works
both ways? How?
You're here? You have some nerve showing
your face after you've skipped my class.
Miss Tainot. A pleasure to see you.
Dr M. Oh, did he skip your class, also?
In fact, he was tardy.
- Miss Tainot, this will never happen again.
- It will never happen again.
And the next class, you will be first up
for Pop Topics.
Two minutes, Pop Topics, first up.
Interior design.
Workplace etiquette.
Good one.
I hope they're worth it!
- No, no, no, seriously, they're amazing!
- All right.
Come on.
I don't believe this.
Sharing sweets with a little dolly.
I bet that's why he went to college.
Find a gal who has a thing for papa bear.
And hideous pink doughnuts.
Isn't that adorable?
Ooh! Who's this?
Wow, Larry! Nice job.
Hey, there, Project Runway! I choose you.
Hey, Johnny Cash. Where's your guitar?
Mr Crowne is first. Pick and speak.
Does this say "interior design"?
Let's say yes.
And go.
Interior design.
I know nothing
about interior design.
But I don't have to, because
I know this girl who does.
And the first time she came into my house
she starts rearranging everything I own.
She starts throwing out, you know, junk,
and rearranging my things
and moving my furniture to places
that it's never, ever been before.
And, before I know it,
I have a Spartan interior design
with traffic flow and feng shui,
in which everything has to be set just so,
otherwise the chi or the spirit of
the house doesn't move.
Then she moves from my living room
into my bedroom
and that place is a horror show.
My closet is a disaster.
I have too many of the
wrong kind of hangers
and I don't have enough scarves
to match my ensemble.
And my dresser drawers are pitiful.
And she's throwing out...
Oh, I can't wear matching pyjamas
only pyjama bottoms and a T-shirt.
Then she hops on my bed, and it's too hard!
Who lives here? The Flintstones?
Ow, Bamm-Bamm, you hurt my neck.
Then she threw out every one of my shirts.
Polo shirts are now forbidden.
Can anyone
remember anything from that?
Feng shui actually works.
I read about it in my Asian Studies class.
Something about the Flintstones.
Uh, Larry likes chicks
to rearrange his junk.
That's what we women do.
We take you men and we make you better.
We're moving off the topic.
Thank you, Mr Crowne.
Chester, you're up.
Finally, get rid of these.
I get Dell to do the remodel and can restock
everything I move in the wink of an eye.
Well, is...
Nice, thank you.
Is this your plus-minus delta number?
But that's what I'm asking you.
Square footage this cheap is a steal, right?
Low overhead, cheap labour.
You will be in proht. Yeah, there.
- I love you, Lance Corona!
- Well...
Hey, Dell.
I was just going back to work.
I'm working my ass off all night just to
get one little f ricking smile out of you.
- I'm smiling.
- Oh, yeah, like the Joker after three martinis.
If they help, they help.
You can't even have a date night now.
You can't even chilloot for one minute!
"Chilloot"? Did you just use
the word "chilloot"?
Did that come
from a Canadian blogger thesaurus?
Come on, let's just go home.
Get in the car.
Could you please just hold on
to the cheesecake
- so it doesn't slide back and forth?
- I'm allergic to cheesecake.
- Is that too much to ask?
- Have you forgotten?
Oh, my God. What, are you...
Are you looking for a whole different
kind of man? Mercedes? Is that it?
I got news for you, I like myself, okay?
You know, I put up with you,
and I complain about nothing!
I am not complaining. I am stating.
I work and you porn-surf and pretend to work.
It's a statement.
That's so much bull right there, okay?
I had four postings today alone.
Fogcaster, Skyscan,
They're not postings, they're comments.
Comments! Like, "You're lame" is a comment.
And who are you to judge me, Boozilla?
You know, I know what
really pisses you off.
What is really pissing you off
is that I like big knockers
and you don't have any!
Maybe I should take that back.
Stop this car.
Stop this car.
- I said I would take it back.
- Stop the car.
Oh, come on, it was a joke!
Let me out of this fucking car!
- Give me that cheesecake.
- No, I take it back.
- I take it back.
- How about you just drive?
Look, I'm letting you win!
Drive to a cliff on the coastline, mister!
- So, everything that you say is right!
- You loser!
I married a loser!
A childish, blogging loser!
Okay, you know what?
Screw you, you washboard!
Go! Oh, chilloot!
I like big knockers!
Hey, Lance! Chick alert!
You are not gonna believe
how fate meets cute.
Well, come on!
Look who's
waiting for a bus! Miss Tainot?
Do you need a ride? Hop on.
Bust up your dance in the dell with Bambi?
No, thanks.
Hey! Bambi was a boy.
- Hey, can you spare your spare?
- Sure.
Thank you.
- Where did you go?
- Just hooking Lance up, sweetie.
A man on a scooter can accomplish
anything, Lance.
What do men see in irritating free spirits?
Seriously, I am offering you a ride.
Seriously, I can walk.
In those shoes?
You noticed my shoes?
Fine, I'll ride, but I will not wear
that bucket on my head.
It's the law.
We're going so slow a cat could
knock us over, you know that, right?
I've never given anyone a ride before!
I wanna make sure we both survive!
Pardon me?
I said "ha, ha, ha".
Oh, look at this!
Somebody is getting pinched.
- Put your hands behind your back, sir.
- No, you gotta be kidding me!
Ooh, this looks like a DUI.
This guy's in trouble.
- No!
- You have the right to an attorney.
- Shut up, shut up! I know my rights!
- You understand that?
- I know my rights!
- All right.
- Here we go now.
- Hey!
- Careful with that man's cheesecake, Officer!
- Now, watch your head.
He's very sensitive about his cheesecake!
Did you
know what you just did?
I bet you 10 bucks
that he barfs in the backseat.
It was a bad night for that guy.
Drive on, Macduff!
There it is!
On the left, got it.
On the left!
You're following me.
I'm just... I'm seeing you safely
to your door, that's all.
Okay. Um...
Oh, my purse. Do you have my...
Oh, it's in the car. The car.
There's a key buried in that plant.
This it?
That is it.
There appears to be some choices.
Let's see.
Let me get this for you.
I have 30 seconds to disarm the alarm
or the cops will be here in half an hour.
- They're slow.
- Slow cops.
Oh. Better get to it. Look away, please.
All right!
Mission accomplished, Mr Man in the Black.
- Good night, Miss Tainot.
- Missus.
I'm Mrs Tainot.
Can't you see that?
I assumed you preferred Miss.
Well, when you presume, you make
a pretty pair of asses out of me and you.
Something like that, or...
Do you know what I noticed on the ride?
That you smell very pleasant.
Well, thank you.
Would you...
Would you like to kiss me?
Just if you... if you wanted to kiss me,
it would really
be your lucky night,
because I'm half in the bag
and my husband won't be home for,
you know,
three to five years.
Mmm-hmm! Mmm!
Whoa! Did you feel that?
Oh, this is crazy.
Let's do that again, and this time,
permission to cop a feel.
Uh, wait, okay, okay. Miss Tainot...
Mrs Tainot, Mrs Tainot...
Oh, please, it was... Wow!
Mrs Tainot, it is now time
for both of us to do the right thing.
- In you go.
- What?
Are you kidding?
But I thought I smelled good, too.
- Closing the door.
- How could you... Really? Really?
Lock the door.
I can see you, you know.
Good night, Mrs Tainot.
- All right, buddy, get out.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Just keep it.
- Oh, wow, great, thanks.
- It'll put my kid through college.
Oh, my God.
Aw, come on! Jerk!
Oh, God, I need coffee.
I'm your dirty girl, bad boy.
I'm your dirty girl, bad boy.
I'm your dirty girl, bad boy.
Jesus, hell, and tomorrow.
Oh, shit.
Fortune cookies!
Chinese food tells you the future!
Sushi is fresh out of the sea.
Tempura is fresh out of the oil.
Accent on fr-fr-fresh!
But it won't keep overnight
like Kung Pao chicken.
Those flavours the next day
are deep and delicious.
Samurais are amazing chefs!
I weigh, like, 90 pounds.
What's my 2:00 a.m. meal
after a couple of puffs?
Chinese food in the Chinese carton
with Chinese chopsticks!
- Yeah, yeah!
- What about the MSG?
That's enough of the fake debate for today.
Thank you for your passion.
That was so fun!
Mr Crowne?
A moment, please.
- Sure.
- Uh-oh!
Sounds like you're in trouble.
Last night was a confluence
of too many things happening
in too short of a time span.
I believe there was an inappropriate
exchange between teacher and student.
I was worked up and under the influence
of the demon rum.
Reminded me of a spotty incident
I once had with a parking lot attendant,
which was...
At any rate, I hope the entire thing
can be forgiven and forgotten.
If gossip of this nature were to circulate,
it would be not only embarrassing,
but my status as a professor could
be tarnished.
Well, I wouldn't want that.
So, no bragging to your pals about
almost scoring with the drunken professor.
Well, I should scurry along.
Hope I don't have the same conversation
with Dr Matsutani.
The papers and records
for 8656 Derby Court.
Since River Creek Bank can't see
to give me new terms,
my mortgage has become a bad debt
that I now transfer back to you.
Oh. No, no, no.
You don't wanna default on this.
It's called a strategic foreclosure.
Oh, I know what it's called,
but you can't do this.
See, it's bad for your credit.
Any student of Economics 1 will tell you
this move is tough, but fair.
Larry, let's go have ourselves some
complimentary coffee
and we'll talk this out.
Legally, I have to vacate the premises
in 30 days. Keys are in it.
This is not personal, Mrs Gammelgaard.
It's just, well, times have changed.
Oh, shoot!
When we bought this house,
I thought I'd see my kids grow up
on this street.
Man, you're whining
like a goo-goo, ga-ga baby,
when you got your health,
you got no family to support.
You're pale in America.
You're a clean slate.
You're starting over.
I just hate to leave.
Well, manifest destiny is taking you
someplace else, neighbour.
You took the time to meditate
on the vagaries of life,
You'd come to realise
that a woman with a measuring tape
is money in my pocket.
How you ladies doing?
Oh, this is a nice one right here.
An old football table.
David Beckham actually owned this one.
Now, I got a offer for 1,800.
You just gotta beat that.
Showers should clear
before the morning commute.
Look for sunny skies by 9:00 a.m.
with temperatures in the mid-70s.
These topics are to be researched
until you can wax poetic on them
for two minutes.
- What'd you get?
- Potatoes.
Spuds. Can't wait.
No repetition, no pauses.
"Disraeli"? What is that?
"Who" is that.
Guy from Disrael. I'm done!
No notes, no visual aids,
just sacks of charm.
"Geography Show"?
- That says "George Bernard Shaw".
- No, it doesn't.
Well, the handwriting's kind of loopy.
Then "Geography Show" for two minutes.
- Pasta!
- Great.
Good luck, everybody. This is your final.
You're dismissed.
Have a good day.
Oh, thanks.
Let me get this straight.
You think dropping my class to open
a thrift store is a good idea.
Not by much.
Mercy? Mercy, come and meet this girl.
She brings passion
to Feminism and Modern Lit.
We should all be a witness.
And she's leaving me.
We've met.
That was some night, huh?
I'm sure you and Larry Crowne have
your pillow talk.
Pillow talk?
Lance is a sweetie,
but I think he was born in the 1950s.
Lance is forever mute on the subject of you.
Can't get a peep out of him.
Lance? Larry Crowne? Who?
- One and the same.
- He works at Frank's Coffee Shop.
- The pie place?
- Great French toast.
At the end of each chapter
is a study guide.
Master those and you will have mastered
the course pack.
Where's Talia?
Where's Talia?
Master my course pack
and you will take over the world.
By now, you should be laughing with me.
- Hey, there's Lance.
- Oh, yeah.
What a surprise.
Somebody skipped Matsutani's class!
I dropped out of college today.
No, Talia, don't be a fool, stay in school.
And don't drink and drive, or do drugs,
and quit smoking, and eat vegetables.
I don't, I stopped, I did, I do.
New watch for you.
Hey, we all got free tattoos.
I wanted something in Japanese,
so check this out.
That one says "courage".
That one says spirit".
Courageous spirit.
I can see you!
This is glass! I can see through glass!
You know, that's Chinese, and it says
- soy sauce.
- Oh, shut up!
It does. Soy sauce!
Be here for our grand opening.
Oh, I might not make it.
Some of us have finals.
Hi, Larry!
- Mack.
- Yeah?
- Got room for one more?
- I can try.
No room for your furniture?
Well, it's a tiny place.
How much you think you're gonna get
for this sofa sleeper?
I don't know. You'll get me a good price.
You're a smart man, Larry Crowne.
Pizza's here at last!
Here's that lunch I promised you.
Did they tell you that I had one of
these discount coupons?
Son of a cock.
Larry Crowne.
Jack Strang.
Two extra large, a salad bucket
and a box of cinnamon frosted eggs. $16.50.
Sorry to say this, but I need 2 bucks back.
Times are tough.
Tell me about it.
You know what, forget it.
- Keep the change. Yeah.
- Really? Yeah?
Hey, thanks, Crowne. I appreciate it.
Every buck helps.
Put that right there.
Lamar, don't touch the cinnamon eggs.
I'm not gonna touch
the cinnamon eggs, baby.
I don't want a cinnamon egg.
- I'm gonna miss him. You, too.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Larry.
- You're the best.
Come back and see us.
Larry, I got something for you.
Good luck.
- Well, I appreciate it, Lamar.
- If you win, I get half.
Quick Picks. You never know.
Bye, Larry!
I'm gonna miss him.
- See you, Larry!
- Goodbye, Larry!
There is not a woman in the world
that has not been standing
where you are right now.
So, let's get it on. Come on!
Come on, let's go.
There you go, there you go.
Yeah, baby, come on.
Come on, come on.
- How much change do you want back?
- Why don't you keep it?
But just remember,
a teacher once gave you a $12 tip.
- You stay in school.
- Thank you.
You're a babe. Where do you teach?
I'm divorcing a professor turned writer
turned blogger
with the libido of a 13-year-old
with two published books to his credit.
When a man shows his true colours,
that's when a woman has to make
the decision to go or no go.
And we got pizza to go.
Good morning, Larry.
Good morning.
Should I have been calling you Lance
all this time?
Oh, no. Only one person calls me Lance.
Well, and all her friends.
I met her. She's an interesting girl.
She's a unique bundle, yeah.
And all this, you know,
my clothes are her idea.
I had actually put that together.
You ready for your final?
Well, you'll find out.
I drew
the order last night.
- And?
- You're last.
Lucky me.
- Thank you, by the way.
- What did I do?
- Kept our secret.
- Oh.
I don't do many things well,
but I can keep a secret.
Gentlemen do.
Allow me.
- Good morning!
- Let's make a few changes.
A box of biscuits, a bag of biscuits,
a biscuit mixer! Say it!
A box of biscuits, a
bag of biscuits, a biscuit mixer!
Mr Mack, get loose.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
And we're moving, we're moving!
This is like Tainot-palooza! Breathing.
Giving birth to relaxation.
Pasta comes in all shapes and sizes.
Farfalle, otherwise known as butterfly
or bow-tie shaped pasta...
Because Australia's been an island
since the beginning of time,
some awfully goofy animals can be
found there. Kangaroos, of course...
If you're on the Moon
and look down at Earth
you could actually see and recognise
the Great Lakes.
They comprise 20% of the world's
fresh surface water supply.
Aurora borealis can be found
in the northern hemisphere
in Alaska, Canada, and Scandinavia.
- Everybody loves potatoes.
- How about that?
French fries, baked potato, potato chips,
scalloped potatoes...
If it was the romance novelist in him
that made Victoria, the Queen, such a pal,
chalk it up as another brick
in the legacy of Ben Disraeli,
Earl of Beaconsield,
and Prime Minister of Great Britain!
Dibiasi, that was great.
That leaves only Mr Crowne
and George Bernard Shaw.
Uh, that's "Geography Show", remember?
Right, the study of the Earth.
Yes, study of the Earth, and there goes
my opening remark.
Thank you.
The equator
is that imaginary line
that separates the Earth
into the northern
and the southern hemisphere.
And when you cross it for the first time
it's a very big deal if
you are in the Navy,
even if you're a culinary specialist.
The old guys make you dress up
in goofy costumes
and you have to sing these bawdy songs.
And they play practical jokes on you.
When I did it for the
first time, years ago,
a chief petty officer ordered me
to stand watch
until I saw the equator as we passed it,
and I would recognize it by the big posts
that were sunk into the ocean floor
and spaced every 100 yards.
And, obviously, I never
hit my rack that night.
Remember the old commercial for the Navy?
"Join the Navy, see the world"?
Well, it's true. I did.
I saw landmarks that were both manmade
and the natural things.
I saw deltas, I saw mountain ranges.
I saw the Rock of Gibraltar.
I saw Hong Kong.
And I saw the southern sky,
which has different stars
than the northern sky does.
In the Navy,
I went around the world five times.
I saw the aurora borealis.
I had shore leave in Australia,
couple of times. Quite memorable.
And I saw the Great Lakes from the rail
of a missile frigate
while I was on the Great Lakes.
I boiled and peeled and mashed and hashed
an awful lot of potatoes.
I saw pasta once a week.
Spaghetti Wednesdays, when I was in
charge of the galley.
I learned a lot of geography in the Navy
but I would never be able to
communicate it to you
with such ease
unless I had taken a class like this.
I believe it was George Bernard Shaw
who once quipped,
"A fool's brain digests
philosophy into folly,
science into superstition
and art into pedantry.
Hence a university education."
Sounds to me like George Bernard Shaw
must have taken a college class
maybe even Speech 217,
the Art of Informal Remarks.
Ding-ding! Applause, please!
- Larry!
- Be aggressive, Larry!
Crowne, you're terrific!
Oh, that was incredible.
Best speech ever!
The first to finish. No surprise.
Mr Crowne,
you have a grasp of my concepts
like few others.
Thank you, Doctor.
Cottage cheese to keep
me trim, fruit to keep me regular,
and a big-ass biscuit.
Club sandwich, white toast,
order of French fry, chicken-fried steak.
That's right, chicken-fried.
Big-time, Larry.
Hey, Nick.
- Take the wheel for a second.
- All right.
Is this the place with the killer pie?
What's Spanish for
"My next wife just walked in"?
Hello, I'm Larry, and I will be
your culinary specialist today.
Larry Crowne, look at you. You work here?
- It's my secret identity.
- Right.
Frances, this is the A student
I was telling you about.
The one that smells so nice.
Larry, um,
I actually gave you an
A-plus in Speech 217.
"A" for excellent. Lance!
Well, I don't know what
to say, Miss Tainot.
Please call me Mercy.
I'm not your teacher any more.
Unless you signed up for next term.
- Larry, kitchen, cook, busy.
- All right. My boss.
You're a great student. I'm not an easy A.
You're a great teacher.
I got a whiff of the chef.
He smelled like grilled onions.
Hey, thanks, Nick.
Okay, I got this.
Greek salad, spaghetti, meatballs.
The ships of finance
sail upon roiling seas,
with hidden shoals of junk debt,
squalls of undercapitalisation
and tsunamis of the false value index.
This course pack, written by guess who,
is your map to a safe economic harbour.
All aboard!
The state charter requires a minimum of
10 students per class
and since there are only eight of you,
it costs them more...
- Sorry we're late!
- Doesn't mean we don't care.
Where's Larry?
- Yeah, where is Larry?
- Crowne stiffed us?
I thought for sure he'd be here.
He told me your class changed his life.
What's the name of this class, anyway?
Shakespeare, the Politician.
Good morning, everyone.
My name is Miss Tainot.
- Not Tae-Bo, not Tai Chi.
- Thanks a lot, guys.
Not Tie-knot. Not Snotface.
turn Harbor Street.
- Thank you.
- Right turn.
Turning right.
Your destination is on the right.
Oh. Okay.
Well, thank you, Map Genie.
I love that dress, Cha-Cha!
But I'd show more leg if I were you.
You're looking for Lance.
You'll see the stairs.
Thank you.
Shorter dress'll get you wolf whistles!
Ow! For you. For you.
- So, did he close that deal?
- Almost.
Lance, Lance, Lance.
That's a good trick.
You told Lala my class changed your life.
Yes, yes, I said that.
I met you.
So, are you hungry?
Let me show you the
world's smallest kitchen.
It's where I make my French toast.