Larry the Cable Guy: It's a Gift (2025) Movie Script
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Larry the Cable Guy.
[cheers and applause]
[rockabilly music playing]
Thank you so much.
Please do not rush the exits.
Thank you so much.
Doggone, thank you.
Look at this, right?
[audience cheers]
Wow. Thank you so much.
Gun show must be next week, I guess.
How about this, all these lights?
Huh? Fancy.
Got all this on Amazon cards.
You believe that?
It's good to be here at the Capitol again,
I'll tell you.
-[audience cheers]
-That's right.
That's right.
Which is kind of weird
'cause I ain't never been here before.
So...
What the hell?
Well, thank you for coming. Hey...
Have you ever, like,
walked into a room at your house
and you get in there and you're like,
"What the hell
did I just come in here for?"
You ever do that?
You know what sucks about that for me?
This is the room, all right?
What the hell?
I forgot what I'm supposed to do.
I'm getting old. What the hell?
I forgot my wallet the other day
at the house.
I had to turn around and go get my wallet.
I couldn't find it.
Not the wallet, my house, all right?
Dadgum.
Sucks. You ever put
your glasses on your head
and then you're like,
"Where the hell's my glasses at?"
You're looking for your glasses for an
hour and a half and they're on your head.
I've done that with Q-tips.
Sucks getting old.
You ever say something to somebody,
then two minutes later
you're asking the same dadgum--
You ever do that?
You ever, like, walk in a room
and you get in there, you're like,
"What the hell am I doing in here?"
[audience laughs and applauds]
Well, we're gonna have fun tonight,
I tell you what.
This is a show I'm gonna remember,
apparently until tomorrow.
I embarrassed myself the other day.
I went to a gender reveal party,
I thought we were supposed to reveal
our gender and that, all right?
I'm like, "Look I'm a boy.
Look at this here, I'm a boy."
Dadgum.
There's a dermatologist in there,
and she said,
"You'd better get that skin tag
looked at right there. That don't..."
I had another buddy of mine
went to a gender reveal party,
and some woman was choking
on finger wieners.
Couldn't breathe. She turned blue.
And everybody was like,
"It's gonna be a boy."
[laughs]
Dadgum.
Well, I'm dressed to the nines tonight,
by golly.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Nothing I got on cost more than $9.
This is actually--
I sell clothes.
This is actually my fall/winter
fat guy collection right here.
Which is strikingly similar
to my spring/summer fat guy collection
that I like to wear.
I got these pants at the Goodwill.
You ever shop at the Goodwill?
I got these at the Goodwill,
and I come home and my wife goes,
"Where'd you get them pants?
I thought I took them up to the Goodwill."
You believe that?
I've bought these three times this year.
You believe that?
The hell?
Well, God love you.
I'm gonna go a little quicker tonight.
I got ice cream in the car,
and I apologize.
It's always fun when I do shows
'cause I've been doing it a long time,
so you never know when you'll get
the celebrity pop-in, you know,
'cause you never know
who's a fan that's close
that's gonna come over and do something,
it's always fun.
So... you wait here.
I mean, it's never happened,
but I'm just saying, all right?
At some point, it's bound to happen.
I mean, I never get the dadgum--
Foxworthy was working four blocks away
my show one time,
he didn't even show up.
You believe that?
That skinny bastard. What in the world?
I love Jeff.
I met Jeff 38 years ago
at an RV park in Gainesville.
He was going through my garbage.
And I've pretended to like him ever since.
[laughs]
We have fun, we do some stuff on--
You know what we like to do, me and Jeff?
We like to eat a bunch of Taco Bell
and then go to the closest
furniture store and fart in the recliners.
One time, he sharted and made me
buy the recliner.
You believe that?
What the heck is he doing?
Here's the thing about him.
He's still skinny.
He ain't gained no weight.
How can you be funny like that
and be skinny?
That ain't funny to me.
This is hilarious, all right?
Now that's funny.
-[audience cheers]
-[laughs]
Stay back, ladies.
Stay back, ladies.
I don't want you rushing me up here.
Look at the ladies.
I can see y'all right now,
pepper-spraying me with your eyeballs.
I can see it right now.
This is a body built for sin right here.
Unfortunately, that sin is gluttony.
I did put on a little weight.
The government just put me
on the no-fry list.
It ain't my fault, though.
I gained weight 'cause I hurt myself
and couldn't do no exercise
for two months. I...
I throwed my back out twerking.
Yeah, I was outside,
a ladybug went down my pants
and went in the crack of my ass.
I'm trying to get him out of there.
[audience cheers]
Threw my back out.
All of a sudden, [spitting sound]
it comes out right there, by God.
It went in a ladybug,
it come out a stink bug, by God.
That's how it done it.
That's how it done it right there.
Well...
My show, by the way, is PG-13.
"Pretty Good for 13 minutes."
But if you're offended at something,
the good news is
I got a money-back guarantee.
So I guarantee you,
you ain't gonna get your money back.
All right, that's how it's gonna be.
But this is exciting, ain't it?
I ain't been this excited since my church
replaced their communion wafers
with real vanilla wafers.
We got a lot of fat folks at my church.
You can't even
lift half of them up in prayer.
Jesus fed 5,000 men.
That wouldn't feed three
of our fat-ass elders, I guarantee you.
My wife was gonna work at the church.
She wanted to volunteer.
But the only thing they had left
was missionary position.
Start the van.
I worked up at the Sunday school one time.
They coaxed me into teaching
the Sunday school.
And I done it one time.
One time.
They said, "Larry, it's easy.
It's five-year-olds.
You give a lesson,
ask a couple of questions,
and then you color."
I can do that.
I read the story, asked a question.
First question was,
who did Jesus come to save?
Some little kid goes,
"The Jews and the genitals."
Who wants to color?
I'll tell you what irritated me.
They was all good,
and then somebody come for lunch
and give a little dessert.
They gave them the marshmallow Peeps
to all these five-year-olds.
You ever eat Peeps?
Them sugar marshmallows?
They have the Easter Peeps,
the Pumpkin Peeps,
and the Christmas Peeps.
They had all the Peeps down there.
Of course, I got into the Peeps.
I ate the entire collection of Peeps
they had down there.
I go in there to go to the bathroom.
I look in the toilet.
Holy smokes, it looked like my toilet
was celebrating Pride month in there.
All right? Dadgum.
What the hell?
Every color represented.
It was unbelievable.
[laughs]
How have I not won a Grammy Award by now,
all right?
-[audience cheers]
-Right?
Yeah, that's top notch--
That's top-notch material right there.
This show should have been $500 apiece.
So I was on the internet,
and they had a thing on there.
You can buy dadgum sex robots now.
$10,000.
What is this world coming to?
Dadgum sex robot for $10,000.
We had rubber dolls
when we was kids, they $15.
They weren't made too good, though.
My buddy Dougie, he overinflated it
and the left titty popped
and the nipple
took his eyeball out right there.
But, yeah...
It was horrible. Had an eye patch
for three years on there.
That's a powerful nipple there.
$10,000 for a dadgum sex robot.
You believe it?
20,000 if you want one that doesn't talk.
[laughs]
Ah, that's hilarious!
That's funny.
I'm hearing a lot of this for the first
time myself tonight, all right?
Oh...
I think I got a gay vacuum cleaner.
It's got three settings.
Small pile, large pile and Gomer Pyle.
[laughs]
I know. It's a gift.
It's a gift.
Now you notice
I'm walking a little gimpy tonight?
I apologize.
I was playing pickleball,
and, uh, I threw out my pickle.
I was playing, my pickle popped out.
I paddled my pickle. You believe that?
Anybody in here ever paddle your pickle?
How about grapple your gherkin?
You ever done that at all?
Who in here wishes
they'd never come here tonight?
Anybody else at all in here?
What the hell.
Feel pretty good, though. I got a couple--
I don't know what that is.
I'm gonna get that checked out.
I don't know what that is.
Every now and then
I go into airplane mode.
I don't know what the hell it is.
I got that Mitch McConnell disease
going on up here, whatever that is.
You kind of freeze...
[audience cheers]
But I do feel pretty good. I had a--
I will say this. I'm kind of freaking out
'cause I missed my colonoscopy.
So I'm kind of worried I'm gonna, like,
turn the wrong way or something.
A polyp's gonna jar loose
off my butthole vein down there,
go through the butthole vein
up into my head,
kill me in front of everybody.
That'd be a heck of a way to die
right there.
Sitting up there in heaven
with all the heroes of the Bible.
All the forgiven folks
sitting around the heavenly campfire.
"How'd you die ma'am?"
"Oh, Larry it was horrible."
"There was a trailer fire
and I went in to save a bunch of cats.
And the smoke got to me
and the Lord bring me home."
"Dadgum.
Holy shit. I mean, shoot. I meant shoot."
"How'd you die sir?"
"We was in Vietnam."
"And I was attacking the Japanese.
Which is weird
'cause we was in Vietnam, but..."
"Anyway, the Lord brung me home.
In battle."
"Dadgum, that's horrible."
"How'd you die, Larry?"
"I was on stage at the Capitol Theatre
in Clearwater,
and I turned too quick,
and a polyp come out my butthole there.
Went into my brain,
choked me out in front of everybody.
It's crazy.
You know what? Never mind.
Don't worry about it. I'll go over here.
I'll go talk to these people that shot
themselves in the head with a potato gun.
I'll go talk to them people.
That's more my speed over there."
Tell you what else is irritating me.
I'd get a prostate check,
which is no big deal.
Figure, blood test.
He used his finger.
How is that not illegal now?
He used his finger!
It was no blood test!
Then he put the glove on.
He goes, "You ready?"
I go, "I thought they done blood tests."
He goes, "I don't do blood tests.
I do finger."
He says, "You ready?"
I go, "I guess." Very unprofessional.
He goes, "Let's git-r-done!"
Right?
[audience cheers]
What in the world?
Holy smokes.
Dadgum.
I was hitting notes Adele ain't never hit,
all right?
Dadgum, I didn't know I was a falsetto
when I went in there.
I went in to get a prostate check,
I come out part of a barbershop quartet.
The worse part of the whole prostate exam
was having to hear the nurse
throw up in the trash can.
I remember the first time, though,
that I ever heard somebody say
"git-r-done" was at the grocery store.
'91, '90.
And nobody minds their business
in there, and I'll tell you why.
I was in the grocery
for $5 sushi Wednesday at the Publix.
And...
-[whistles and laughter]
-Yeah, right.
And some guy tapped me.
He goes, "You know, sushi's bad for you."
"You'll get stomach worms
and it'll kill you."
"You'll waste away to skin and bones."
I'm like, "Well, I think
I'm all right there, buddy, all right?"
I could get intestinal raccoons
and gain ten pounds right now.
I tell you, at the grocery store
where I don't mind my own business,
and neither do you
'cause we all do the same thing,
is count the items of the person in front
of me at the "ten items or less" line.
Every time I go in there in a good mood,
that gets me in a bad mood.
Just sitting in there,
you're talking to somebody, you're like,
"Oh, yeah, we're gonna go
to that baptism tomorrow."
"You know, Jason's gonna get..."
Uh... nine, ten...
Eleven-- Eleven, twelve.
Hey, douchebag, ten items or less
is on the dadgum deal there.
You know better.
Sorry, Reverend, but I'm just saying,
it's ten items or less.
I don't care if you did baptize my kid,
you ain't supposed to do that.
Follow the rules.
I remember the first time I heard
somebody say "git-r-done" other than me,
it was that day at the grocery store
up there at Publix.
Some guy was leaving the store
who works there.
And he yells back to his buddies,
"See you tomorrow, git-r-done!"
And I was like, "That's what I say."
And then his buddy yelled back,
"All right, git-r-done, see you tomorrow."
That's my deal.
So I go up to him, I go,
"Hey, let me ask you something.
That git-r-done,
where'd you hear that at?"
"Oh, this guy, Larry the Cable Guy.
He said 'git-r-done' on the radio.
It's hilarious."
I said, "That's me."
He said, "Shut up."
I said, "No, I swear, that's me."
I said, "Git-r-done."
He says, "You're not--
Let me hear your 'git-r-done.'"
I went, "Git-r-done!"
He goes, "That ain't even close
to how he does it."
They said, "Git-r-done"
in the Olympics one time.
I couldn't believe it.
This Chinese feller.
He was doing the rings.
He come down, and he does three flips,
and he lands, and he goes like this.
[speaking mock Chinese]
That's "git-r-done" in Chinese.
I swear to you, it is.
I swear to you. Google it. Google it.
[audience applauds]
I love them Olympics. I watch them.
And some of those Chinese girls,
they're so young.
I mean, have you ever seen
how young they is?
Matter of fact,
that's who won a lot of the medals.
That was her name, "So Young."
I knew she was young too
'cause she got the gold medal,
tried to take the wrapper off
to get to the chocolate.
You ever use chopsticks?
You ever use chopsticks?
Test two, test, test.
Well, you take them,
you balance them like this.
You get the two chopsticks in your thumb
and then you take your wrist,
bend your wrist,
and then you flip them in the trash can.
That's how you do it.
We're in America, not China.
We use spoons.
We use spoons.
My favorite Olympics was 2008.
Feller that won the gold medal
in Ping-Pong.
You know what his name was?
I ain't lying.
Dong Dong.
Dong Dong took the gold in Ping-Pong.
And he beat his brother,
that's the funny part.
Dong Dong beat Ding Dong.
That was his other brother.
That was his dumber brother, Ding Dong.
He was the black sheep, Ding Dong.
Never could do anything Dong Dong did.
Poor Ding Dong.
Dong Dong and Ding Dong.
I'd like to see the whole Dong family
on the Olympics,
that's what I'd like to see.
Or I'd like to see them on Family Feud.
That'd be even better right there.
Please welcome the Dong family.
Ding, Dang, Dong, Long,
and Jennifer.
But I like the Olympics. I like the...
volleyball.
You ever watch Olympic volleyball?
They got the men's volleyball in there.
And they hit them
like 110 mile an hour, 150 mile an hour.
I like women's volleyball too,
but I can't watch it too much
'cause of my carpal tunnel.
[audience laughter]
I tell you-- Hey, remember
the pistol shooting they had?
The dude from Turkey.
Everybody had fancy uniforms
and equipment.
There he is, a pair of jeans, glasses on,
holding a pistol.
I swear, if he'd have had
a cigarette in his mouth,
he'd look just like my dad
on the front porch
when the Jehovah Witnesses
come over, all right?
[laughs]
"I'll save you some time.
Turn around and go the other way now."
I like all the running games,
the marathons they got.
I was thinking about running a marathon.
And, uh...
I ain't gonna do it.
I'm just letting you know
I was thinking about it.
Believe me, I get winded
when my mind races, all right?
I did run a 5k one time.
That's a weird story.
I run a 5k.
I like to golf, and my hands hurt.
So my wife got me Copper Fit golf gloves.
It worked. I didn't have no pain.
I'm bragging on these gloves,
so I guess there's a hint
to lose weight or something.
She got me a Copper Fit jogging suit.
What is the world?
I ended up running five miles
trying to get away from meth heads
trying to get the copper
off my damn running suit in there.
If you're single
don't buy Copper Fit condoms,
I'll tell you that much.
They'll rip them right off of you.
Do not do it.
That's a tip from me right there.
That's right. Don't do it.
You ever run an obstacle course?
You ever done that?
Last time I was on an obstacle course,
a bouncer chased me
up a stripper pole.
They got the 24 Hour Fitnesses now.
Thank God.
I don't know how many times I woke up
at 4:10 in the morning
and said, "Boy, I tell you what."
"I wish there was a place
I could go squat 600 pounds right now,
but I don't know where it is."
I woke up the other day at 3:00 and said,
"I'm gonna go lift some weights
down there at 24/7."
Then I found out I ain't got a membership.
So went down and reheated some meat loaf.
I hate the gym.
Every time I go to the dadgum gym,
there's always somebody on the equipment
that I want to use.
And I tell them all the time,
they got to get more
vending machines in these places.
I hate the treadmill too.
Tell me this guy wasn't a weirdo.
There was a dude on the treadmill,
what an idiot.
He had a bottle of water
where you're supposed to put
the Pringles can container.
I hate the treadmill.
And I was watching
The Price Is Right one time.
You talk about embarrassing.
This is a true story.
You can Google this,
along with the Chinese "Git-r-done."
He was a guy with no legs
that won a treadmill.
That's a true story.
Guy with no legs won a treadmill.
You'd think they'd switch the gift quick,
get something else in there.
Get a washer and dryer in there, you know?
But not a stackable.
Don't get a stackable.
A guy with no legs
won a dadgum treadmill.
Is that not horrible?
I can't think of nothing worse
than having no legs
and winning a treadmill.
Except for maybe having
complete use of your legs
and winning a treadmill, all right?
And what in the hell
are they giving away a treadmill
on The Price Is Right for anyway?
Have you seen the contestants
that run down to the row down there?
Half of them can't make it halfway down
before they've got to put the CPAP machine
back on their dadgum face.
Marlene, come on down.
You're the next contestant on The Price...
Paramedics, come on down.
Which one of you five can guess Marlene's
cholesterol level without going over?
You'll win a treadmill.
I like that Plinko game. You like Plinko?
[audience] Yeah!
There's a sheep in here.
I put a Plinko game in our bedroom
to spice up the lovemaking.
Hey, I put a chip in there.
Boy, spin that way.
I'll put the chip in.
And I got a 5% chance of some action
happening that night in there.
Which is way better than the 1% chance
I'm currently sitting on
at this moment in my life.
My buddy and his wife,
they play jacks in the bedroom.
That's where he falls asleep,
and he goes over to Jack the neighbor's.
Anybody like to golf in here?
[audience] Yeah!
They got golf on the Olympics too.
Golf.
I got a love-hate relationship with golf.
Golf reminds me of the DMV.
You know, after about an hour,
everybody around me,
I want to stab them in the face,
you know what I mean?
Frigging hate golf.
Trying to get better.
I got a golf simulator.
I was on it the other day
and I had to let five people play through.
Playing a lot of charity golf events.
I enjoy doing that.
You know, I did five last year.
Well, four.
I was gonna do five.
One was for the Make-A-Wish kids,
and their wish was for me
not to participate in the golf tournament.
So I had to do that.
I do a lot of the celebrity pro-ams.
I played with Bernie Sanders one time.
What in the world?
You know, it was weird.
He didn't call them "mulligans."
He said they were entitlements.
[applause]
Did I mention there's exits here?
I don't know if I got the exits in.
I play in these celebrity deals.
I love them.
I was in the American Century one
in Tahoe,
and I hit two people,
busted a hotel window.
Holy smokes,
I was the only celebrity that day
to make Golf Channel and Court TV
at the same time.
It was unbelievable.
That's why I use two gloves,
so I don't leave prints.
A lot of people
have a name for their driver.
Mine is Exhibit A.
But my ultimate goal in golf
is to get to Augusta...
and clog the toilet in the clubhouse.
I have clogged the toilet
of many of the finest clubhouse toilets
at some of the greatest golf courses
in this country.
And I'm damn proud of it.
I think they're starting
to suspect I'm doing it,
'cause I'm the only golfer that carries
a plunger in his golf bag, all right?
Hey, you hear that story
about the ghost pooper?
Somebody's sneaking on golf courses
and pooping in golf holes.
What a moron.
Why don't they do what I do,
use the sand trap over there?
You know what I mean?
I mean, it's got a rake.
You can cover it up and everything.
They'll never even know it's you,
especially if you've got
a little deer turd.
They'll think it's a little deer
or something in there, just...
Knowing my luck,
I'll get my first hole in one,
it'll be in one of the poop holes.
"Hey, Larry, what ball you playing?"
"Titleist 1 with number 2 on it."
Go ahead, you can keep it.
I don't need it.
But I would say get a professional
to help you golf.
My friends always try to help me golf,
and they suck worse than I do.
You know, "How come I'm not putting good?"
"Well, let me show you."
"You're gonna show me?"
"Will's beating you,
and he's in a wheelchair"
I did get a professional,
and that helped too.
And now I'm throwing my clubs
20 yards further.
I tell you, it's unbelievable.
It really helped a lot to do that.
But I like playing old dadgum golf.
I remember...
I was in Las Vegas,
played in this golf tournament.
Get done. 2002.
And I'm in the lobby in the casino.
You ain't gonna believe this.
Henry Winkler come up to me.
Happy Days.
Henry Winkler, Happy Days.
Then he goes, "Larry, can I borrow $500?"
I'm like, "What?
You're Henry Winkler from Happy Days."
He says, "I know, but I'll tell you what.
I need--
Give me $500, I'll meet you here
in an hour, I'll give you $2500."
Dadgum right, Henry Winkler.
So, bam.
I ain't seen Henry Winkler
in 23 years, all right?
Dadgum.
Then I go on the internet
couple years ago,
found out I got caught up
in one of them dadgum Fonzie schemes.
[laughs]
Thank you. Hey, the good news is
we're halfway done, all right?
That's the good news.
Oh, time is flying, ain't it?
2025. Who'd have thunk it?
It sure seems like yesterday
I was knocking a bunch of old women over
trying to get to the last roll
of toilet paper.
I can never figure out
why that was a thing, toilet paper.
Have you seen the size of
the toilet paper they got at the Costco?
Looks like Fred Flintstone's
back tire sitting out there.
You got major problems if you're buying
round bails of toilet paper,
that's all I got to say.
You can always be guaranteed, though,
of two things happen in this country
if there's a major tragedy.
One, you ain't gonna find
no toilet paper nowhere.
And number two,
every dadgum radio station in the country
is gonna be playing Lee Greenwood,
"God Bless the USA."
That's a fact.
I was leaving the Costco a while back
and I turned the radio on in my truck.
Lee Greenwood
singing on the radio station.
I like, "Oh shit, what happened?"
I called my wife, I go, "You all right?"
She goes, "Yeah, why?"
I go, "Lee Greenwood's singing
on the radio in here."
She's like, "Oh shit, run back in there
and get some toilet paper,
while you're in there. Go do that."
The best thing to ever
come out all them years was
I got to do one excuse
if I didn't want to do nothing.
Used to have to make something up
on the spot.
They knew you were lying.
Now you just say,
"I can't do it, I got COVID."
That's a godsend right there.
"Hey, Larry, can you help us
take three truckloads
of sweet corn down to the fair?"
"Oh, Jimmy, I'd love to do it, buddy,
but I got COVID."
"Oh, man, that sucks.
When did you get that?"
"Like, two hours ago."
"You know I'd help you if I could.
I love you, but this ain't about me.
This is about you right here, all right?
Trying to keep you safe."
"So, what are you gonna do about it?"
"I can't do nothing. I guess I gotta watch
this Atlanta Braves double header.
I don't know what else I'm gonna do.
I mean, what can I do, really?"
I like sweet corn. You like sweet corn?
It's very...
Yeah, that's good stuff right there.
Did you know corn
has male and female parts?
There's male corn and female corn.
Did you know that?
That's true.
That's why I've never eaten corn nuts.
1994, where we was at the fair
with my great-grandma.
We had a tragedy.
She sneezed in the porta-potty.
And the fireman had to come get her teeth
out of the porta-potty for her.
I know.
I didn't kiss her for 15 years.
Then she went to get her dentures cleaned,
pulled them out,
and a corn nut rolled out
of the back of there.
[laughs]
What? What?
Hey, I only tell that joke
for shits and grins, all right?
That's...
That's the only reason
I tell that dadgum joke.
My mom, I moved my mom in with me
when she was 85.
She's 88 now, but when she was 85
I was worried about her
'cause she lived by herself.
She'd fallen down a lot.
And getting very forgetful,
which actually wasn't too bad 'cause
I got nine birthday cards this year.
I know, that's almost $50.
But I got her a Life Alert.
When she come, I got her
an apartment downstairs at our house.
I loved having her, got her a Life Alert.
She didn't have that thing on
45 minutes, it goes off.
Freaked me out. I run down there.
"What happened? You all right?"
"What channel's Fox News on?"
"Only for emergencies, Mom."
About 20 minutes later, go off again.
What the hell? I run down there.
"What? Are you all right?"
"I think Joe Biden's
got Alzheimer's disease."
"Well, you do realize you put your coffee
in the refrigerator today as well?
So you may...
you ain't much better."
And I love her, but that thing went off
25 times that day.
Then the next day,
I don't hear from her all day.
Now it's about 9:00 at night,
and I'm like...
I'm getting kind of worried.
So I go down the bedroom down there
and I kind of crack the door open.
There she is,
upside down,
feet flailing in the air.
Pinned between the bed and the wall.
And I'm like, "Why didn't you use
your Life Alert?"
She's like, "Well, I don't want
to bother anybody up there."
Oh my goodness.
-[audience cheers]
-I know.
So she's in assisted living now,
all right?
That's what she is.
[laughs]
She kind of was before,
except I was the assistant, all right?
But she loves it down there.
My mom, she's 88 now.
Looks good, but not in a bikini.
But everything else,
she does is real good.
But she loves it down there.
I go down there the other day,
she does this too.
I go, "You loving it down here?"
"Oh, it's so much fun.
They got bingo and they got cards.
But somebody's stealing from me."
"What do you mean somebody's stealing?"
"Somebody stole my sweaters."
"Well, did you look in the refrigerator?"
"You're not funny.
Somebody stole my sweaters.
They were nice sweaters."
"Well, you mean to tell me, Mom,
somebody come in your room
and you weren't here
and went past the big-screen TV,
your purse, three jewelry boxes,
and headed straight to the hamper
to get them sweaters out of there?"
"Yes, they did."
Of course, I love her,
so I got to humble her, you know.
So I'm like, "Well, Mom, you know,
I did see on the news the other day
they got a bunch of Mexican
sweater cartels in the area down here,
so you're right."
Then I go down there.
She's with the nurse.
She's got one of the sweaters on.
I'm like,
"Hey, I see you found your sweater."
"What are you talking about?"
"The one you said
somebody stole from you."
"Nobody stole-- He always thinks
somebody's stealing from me."
Now I'm a jerk.
Make sure you go down there.
She got a friend.
I went down to visit her friend Marge.
A hundred years old. It was her birthday.
And boy, she tiny, I tell you what.
You get tiny when you get older.
I used to be 6'6". It's unbelievable.
I'm just shrinking.
My buddy's great-grandpa down there,
106 years old.
The nurse carries him around
like a parakeet on her shoulder.
But Marge, they lit all the candles.
Looked like a prairie fire down there.
She blew out the candles,
but she passed out blowing them out.
They had to rush her to the hospital.
My mom was worried about her.
But the burn unit said she's fine.
Even though,
she lost both eyebrows
and half her mustache.
Uh, so...
She'll be back on the couch
watching Gunsmoke
in no time down there.
Here's a thing I noticed
about the assisted living,
the old folks' home,
whatever you want to call it,
is, uh,
it's kind of sentimental
because this is the last generation
of grandmas and great-grandmas
that got traditional grandma,
great-grandma names.
You go down there, you know,
you got a Rose and a Trudy
and a Gertie and a, you know,
Shirley and a Bessie.
Just think, 35 years from now
you're gonna go to an old folks' home,
bunch of old women running around there
named Chloe and Britney and...
a bunch of 90-year-old
shriveled-up old women
with unbelievable tits.
[laughter and applause]
That's how it is.
That's how it is.
Git-r-done, that's right.
Now, my uncle's 88.
He did not do assisted living.
He's a pervert, is what he is.
He went down to the villages,
that's where he went to live, by gosh.
-That's right. That's right.
-[audience cheers]
He went down there.
He's living it up down there.
He's got a heart-shaped hot tub
with a wheelchair ramp.
He's got the whole deal down there.
Got a Viagra Pez dispenser
all loaded up.
He had too many Viagra,
his first night there. He woke up,
he sees this eagle resting on the tip
of his wiener down there, with a dadgum--
They got gangs down there.
Did you know that?
Blue Cross-Blue Shield's
the big gang down there.
But he did, though.
He met the girl of his dreams.
He got invited to an over-75
swinger's party down there.
I guess they got to playing strip poker,
and the girl he liked got her titties
stuck in the automatic card shuffler.
And he didn't see it happen
because he'd already lost five hands
and had his glasses off,
so he didn't see anything.
He went over and helped her get it out,
and I'll tell you what, boy,
it was love at third tug.
Oh, yeah.
They ended up--
He got her tickets
to Fox News on Ice.
And he proposed to her
at Fox News on Ice.
He got down on one knee
and two testicles, and...
So they got married.
I didn't go to the wedding. I had COVID.
But, uh...
[cheers and applause]
Said, "What are you gonna do now?"
He goes, "I think we're gonna
settle down and have kids."
Have kids. Have kids do what?
Mow your grass?
Dadgum, a regular Abraham
and Sarah over here, these two.
I got a couple of kids.
They're, uh...
What are they, 13 months apart.
What is that?
They call that Siamese twins--
Irish twins.
Not Siamese twins.
I don't even know why they call them
Irish twins. They don't look alike.
I don't get it.
One's black and one's Puerto Rican.
All right, I don't know...
I don't know what the hell's going on.
I don't know what's going on.
When they were little though, I had to
talk about the birds and the bees.
It made me all scared. I figure
he'll learn everything on the school bus.
I ain't got to teach him nothing,
but I chickened out.
I just bought him a little cartoon book
that told all about that stuff.
My wife is mad at me.
"You should have just told him,
not get him that stupid book."
What?
It Burns When I Pee, Charlie Brown
is a good book.
Sorry.
I homeschool my kids.
I heard about this article,
uh, 75% of kids now
uh, can't read at a fourth grade level.
And it pissed me off.
I couldn't believe that
when my wife read me that article.
A lot of teachers sleeping with kids.
That freaks me out too.
But people think that's--
But that happened when I was a kid too.
That's been happening forever,
students sleeping with--
I slept with my sixth grade teacher.
That's a true story.
And lucky for her, though,
I just turned 18.
So nothing happened to her,
so that wasn't a big deal there.
My boy wants to join the...
My boy wants to join the Boy Scouts.
I ain't too keen on that now.
They gone all woke.
Yeah, I know. They used to be something,
but I don't know.
It sucks too,
because I was a Boy Scout, and I loved it.
I had all the badges.
I even had the "I ain't gonna tell nobody
what happened on Jamboree Night" badge.
I had that badge too.
That was a good badge.
That's the night I learned
how to untie knots.
[audience cheers]
Send your letters to this place,
all right?
Send them to this place.
Me and my wife just had
our 20th anniversary, wedding anniversary.
[cheers and applause]
She's awesome.
And I never know what to get her.
You got to go to the chart.
Twenty-five is silver. Fifty, gold.
Twenty is china.
So I ended up taking her up
to Panda Express.
Had a nice meal up there.
I even let her get the wontons
if she wanted to get them up there.
We get home, she's like,
"Is there anything I can do special
to spice up the lovemaking tonight?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, maybe a little
enthusiasm would help out a little bit."
You know, maybe not fold laundry
in the middle of it.
That'd be a nice date.
Maybe a little better foreplay,
not just "where do you want me?"
You know, that's not a big deal.
She's awesome, though.
When we spice things up, though,
we do have a safe word,
and that's "Ouch."
She kind of got mad at me
at Valentine's Day
because I was watching
the Ken Burns documentary
on the Grand Ole Opry,
and she's all ready to roll.
And I'm like, "Well, I gotta watch it."
I mean, my first job I ever had
in show business was the Grand Ole Opry.
I was the emergency backstage bedazzler
on Porter Wagoner's suit crew.
So she says,
"Well, I'm gonna be upstairs."
I said, "I'll be up there in a minute.
I gotta watch Lennon Sisters here."
So that took, like, two hours all limp.
But anyway,
halfway through Lennon Sisters,
I got all horned up and...
I went upstairs and put on
my rhinestone underbritches.
I woke her up at 3:15 in the morning
and asked her if she wanted to say hi
to Little Jimmy Dickens.
[laughs]
[audience cheers]
She didn't. I ended up
sleeping on the couch that night.
I made it up to her, though.
I took her to the testicle festival.
That was a lot of fun.
You ever been to a testicle festival,
where they deep-fry the testicles
and eat the testicles?
Oh, my gosh, It's a ball.
It's unbelievable.
Well, I mean-- I didn't mean it like that,
but it is nuts in there, I ain't lying.
They got-- It's a crazy deal.
Then I came home, and my brother was over.
His dog was licking his testicles.
And I'm like,
"You think they're good like that?"
"You ought to deep-fry them
every now and then, what's you oughta do."
Put a little sauce on there.
My brother's something else.
He's into these conspiracy theories.
Which a lot of them
are coming true, by the way.
I tell you what one's complete BS,
and that's the one I get on my phone
every now and then says
there's good-looking single women
in my neighborhood that want to meet me.
All right? That's...
Yeah. Fake news.
That is fake news.
My brother always talks about aliens.
"We've seen aliens," he says.
"I was fishing with Brad,
we seen aliens on the St. John's River.
They was 12 foot tall with triangle heads
and cauliflower ears."
"You get a picture?"
"No, we was too scared to do it."
Too scared.
"You know, an alligator
jumped in your boat two days ago,
you had 40 pictures of it on Snapchat
in five minutes in there."
It's unbelievable. Aliens.
You know, we got billion-dollar satellites
ain't seen shit.
But my brother and his buddy Brad
seen three of them on St. John's River.
They're looking for them.
There's no such thing as aliens,
and I hate to tell y'all that,
cause some people...
The aliens are what the government
uses to say "Look over here,"
so they can shove something
up your hind end over here.
That's what aliens are.
I don't know if you ever noticed that.
That's what aliens--
You ever notice a big story coming out,
all of a sudden they whip out
the alien stuff?
Trust me, if there were aliens,
one of them would be
dating a Kardashian by now, all right?
So there ain't no aliens.
I remember one time,
my brother was so scared.
We was trick-or-treating with the kids,
and four cornfields down this old woman's
got the scariest skeleton.
She'd win an award
if they did in the country--
Like, you decorate houses, but they give
awards in town, but not out--
But she got this crazy-- It's spooky.
He never wants to go up there
with the kids.
But this year, we got the balls
to go up there, and it was crazy.
Turns out it was her.
She locked herself out five years ago.
Well, I got a crazy family.
My sister-in-law,
I'm gonna talk about her.
This is one of the biggest
son of a bitches I ever seen in my life.
And I mean that in a good way.
I don't mean that in a bad way.
He met her in college.
And he only went to that school
because he said there's five girls
to every guy at this college.
And by gosh, he come home with her.
I said, "Looks like you got all yours
in one clump right here, is what you did."
She's a big'un, boy.
You know what she gave my kids
for Halloween?
Candy wrappers.
She come over to ride horses
the other day,
and the horse looked at me like,
"You gotta be shitting me right now."
She got on the Tilt-A-Whirl.
When she got off, the world was more
tilted than when she got on the thing.
You remember that character
in James Bond,
uh, Pussy Galore?
You remember that?
She's Front Butt Galore, all right?
She was the first woman in the country
to be administered
the Moderna chili cheese COVID shot.
And she got three cool ranch boosters.
I don't know if you know this or not,
but this show's been over for 12 minutes.
All right? That's...
Anyway, my brother--
They ended up getting married.
I didn't know, I had COVID, but...
I shouldn't talk about fat folks, though.
I got my own dadgum problems.
You know you're getting too fat
when you go to microwave something,
and you look at the directions
and you're like, "Ugh, 90 seconds?
Really?
I'm hungry now.
I can't wait 90 seconds on this ravioli."
But I've lost eight pounds in two weeks.
And it's little hints that I had
that I needed to lose weight.
One of the them was I was at the
department store with my wife, shopping.
They had a fat mannequin in there.
You know, with big fat clothes
on the fat mannequin.
All the wokers did that.
We got to get fat mannequins.
You don't want to offend fat people.
Which offends me as a fat person,
I'll be honest with you.
How am I gonna have incentive
to lose weight
if they just got fat mannequins in there
with a bunch of fat clothes on it?
That's where I got this shirt at,
all right?
Anyway, I'm sitting there staring at it,
stewing over the fat mannequin.
Some woman come over, went like this,
looking for a tag on my shirt.
You believe that right there?
I'm not a fat mannequin!
But this is what really did it for me.
I got out of the shower the other day
and I'm toweling off like this.
I hear somebody clapping.
I looked back to see if it was my wife.
It was my ass.
You believe that?
[applause]
Unbelievable. My butt cheeks
were giving me a standing ovation
right there in the dadgum window.
What the hell?
But I'm on a diet now.
Anybody here on a diet?
-[man] Nope!
-[woman] Yes.
I'll be honest. A lot more of you
should have had your hands up.
I actually was down 52 pounds last summer.
That's right. I did it the right way.
No sugar, you know.
I tried all kinds of--
That works. No sugar, don't eat late.
I tried a coffee enema.
You ever try a coffee enema?
Well, if you do,
let it cool down first, all right?
Let it do that.
Holy smokes.
Whoa. Probably a bad idea
to add half and half in there too,
you know what I mean?
That probably wasn't good.
All I know is this.
The best part of waking up
ain't Folgers in your butt, all right?
I know that much.
Dadgum.
But I lost 52 pounds.
I thought I was looking good.
I was looking good,
but I'm a hypochondriac,
so if somebody says something
it freaks me out.
For instance, I lost 52 pounds.
I'm standing there
watching the baseball game.
Somebody come up and goes, "Larry?"
"Yeah?"
"Hey, hi.
You all right?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Well, you lost a lot of weight."
"I know. I'm trying to."
"Oh, all right. Well, you look good."
Evidently not.
Evidently I look like
I'm sick and dying over here, evidently.
So now it freaked me--
maybe I didn't lose weight--
because maybe I'm sick.
The only way to prove I ain't sick
is I'm gonna go home, and I did.
I went home and ate solids for two weeks,
see if I could gain weight.
Well, guess what?
I ain't got cancer, all right?
Look at that. There we go.
[applause]
Yeah.
I like my doctor. I got a fat doctor.
I love a fat doctor.
It's almost like he's winking at me when
he tells me stuff I shouldn't be doing.
[laughs]
"Hey, Larry, you better lay off
them buffets."
I tell you what, I did kind of stop
going to buffets.
And I love buffets.
But I'm kind of germophobic
because I was in Las Vegas, and...
Ugh, I mean,
people from a hundred different countries
going through nine trays of food
with the same utensils?
What the hell?
I want up there,
I got pork chops, mac and cheese,
pink eye and hepatitis
when I was up there.
But I'm older now.
You get older, you got to start
going to the doctor more.
I'm 62 years old, you believe that?
-[audience cheers]
-I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I'm one blood test away
from a GoFundMe page right now.
Sixty-two.
Which is odd because I don't feel 62.
I can still do the same stuff at to 40
I can do at 62 now.
Yeah, well, just shows you how out
of shape I was when I was 40 years old.
I was fat when I was 40.
But I'm the same age-- Here's the thing.
When I started feeling good about my age,
somebody sent me a note
and said, "Ha ha ha."
You're the same age as Angela Lansbury
in Murder, She Wrote."
What a kick in the nads
that is right there.
My grandma watched that show.
That's an old-person show.
Angela Lansbury, Murder, She Wrote.
You every see Angela Lansbury?
You ever see her? Yeah.
I'll be honest, she's kind of hot.
You know you're getting older
when your wife comes down in lingerie
and your first thought is,
"How much did that cost?"
My wife's 13 years younger than me, so...
she's always ready to roll.
And I'm like... I'm...
I'm scared to make love to her.
I can't make--
I'm breathing heavy
going up the damn stairs to get up there.
I mean, it ain't fun.
It's not even fun anymore, you know?
It's like a 20-second stroke
with a seizure at the end of it.
That's all it is.
I mean, I say a prayer
every time I go up there.
You know?
That ain't a heck of a way to go.
I don't want to die with my pants down,
you know what I mean? That ain't good.
And I can't hide it from my kids,
you know?
They know what's going on.
Come downstairs, "Where's Mom?"
[slurring] "She'll be down in a
minute. She's upstairs."
Dadgum.
It scares me.
It scares me to make love to her.
Dadgum.
I can't even, like...
Now I got to hold my breath
to cut my toenails.
I got...
Twenty-one seconds, I got to come back up
like a turtle in a pond
to get fresh air,
come back down every dang time.
Gotta get that end.
You know, and it's always the end piece.
I can't get the end piece over there.
Dadgum, I can't get the end piece
on that damn...
[grunts]
One time, I got stuck and I had
to walk like this for seven days.
I gradually started getting better.
I looked like a walking evolutionary
chart the whole time, just kind of...
-[audience cheers]
-Right on.
That's right.
Oh...
I can't laugh without coughing no more.
I got no lung capacity.
I'm always like...
[laughs and coughs]
That's when you know you're getting older,
you and your wife.
You're watching Seinfeld
and you laugh and cough,
and she laughs and pees the couch.
That's...
Uh...
You ever get
that old-man bubble coming up,
you ever get one of them,
any of you 60-year-olds?
You're just talking, like,
"Y'all gonna go to-- [coughs]
What the hell was that?
What was that thing?
I got phlegm shooting up
from my inner stomach area."
Oh, dadgum.
You get stuff--
I would have never dreamed
the injuries you get when you're older
that you don't even think about
when you're a kid.
One time I farted, ripped my taint,
had to get stitches.
I mean...
I didn't even know that was possible.
I can't sleep at night.
I got insomnia.
That ain't good.
I read a book, though.
If you read a book,
it'll make you tired, you go to sleep.
You ever done that?
Yeah?
I got a book, like, 500 pages.
I tried it.
I've had that book four months.
I'm on page three.
I see a commercial on late at night
for erectile dysfunction.
And it is the dumbest commercial
I ever seen.
It was people sitting on the beach
watching the sun go down.
Wouldn't they be watching the sun go up?
Why would it be going down?
And it's not a dysfunction.
It's just not functioning.
I'll tell you what a dysfunction would be.
This would be a dysfunction.
You're sleeping in bed
3:00 in the morning.
All of a sudden your wiener
sneaks out of bed,
goes down to the pantry,
eats all the Funyuns, all right? That's...
That's a dysfunction right there.
That's...
[cheers and applause]
You know, uh, this is a thing
that really bothers me.
Growing old with your favorite
rock and roll bands.
Oh, I remember 1987.
I was so excited to have seventh-row
tickets to see Foreigner.
[audience cheers]
Right over here.
[applause]
Three weeks ago,
I was in line with them in Vegas
at the buffet.
And we both had to cancel our show
because of pink eye.
AC/DC is now AARP.
I went to a concert and bought some swag.
I bought a T-shirt and some Thunderstruck
compression socks when I was over there.
How come every time Mick Jagger
gets a new girlfriend,
I get an Amber Alert?
I like the story behind the...
I like the story behind the songs.
You know, like Neil Diamond
wrote "Sweet Caroline."
Remember that song?
Do you know what that's about?
Caroline Kennedy.
That's true.
And here's another one
that you can google him over.
"Cracklin' Rosie."
He wrote that song
on a first-class flight to Los Angeles
sitting next to Rosie O'Donnell...
while she was eating pork rinds.
So I gotta tell you this little story.
Uh...
So I'm driving down the road a while back,
and there was a kid
out in front of the Subway
jumping up and down in a pickle suit.
And I was like, "Look at this loser.
You've made a lot of bad decisions
in your life
if you're in a pickle suit
jumping up and down
in front of a Subway
trying to get people to buy sandwiches."
And then...
Then I start thinking, "His poor parents."
Here, his poor parents
had hopes and dreams for this kid.
He's in a pickle suit in front of Subway.
That's devastating.
And then-- And then I started thinking,
"What if that was my kid?"
I wouldn't be too happy about it.
I definitely wouldn't want people
making fun of him.
That's my kid. I love him.
You know?
Then I felt bad for making fun of him
because I tell you what.
At least he's working.
Right?
-[applause]
-At least he ain't...
At least he ain't wasting his life
in a basement somewhere.
[woman] Yes!
You know what I'm saying?
-[woman] Preach!
-Yeah.
God bless him.
I'm a complete douchebag
for making fun of this kid
because he's working.
This is the kind of kid that's going,
"I don't care what I got to do,
but I got to make some money.
And if it involves me
getting in a pickle suit
and jumping up and down,
getting people to buy sandwiches,
then by gosh, I'm gonna do it
because it could lead to something else.
I'll save me some money,
get me a nice apartment."
Now I'm, like, really feeling bad.
I love this kid.
I'm the biggest cheerleader of this kid.
Seriously, that's awesome.
He's in the dadgum--
So I go into the store.
This is a true story.
I said, "Hey, I'm buying a dozen
sandwiches from you
because of that kid out there.
His work ethic.
Out there in the hot sun
in this pickle suit."
Turns out he don't even work there.
He's just a nut job that likes pickles.
[applause]
Well, listen, I love you guys to death.
Thank you.
I want to thank you for coming
to my special taping tonight.
-[applause]
-Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.
And, uh...
I...
You guys have been so awesome to me
throughout the years,
so I do appreciate it.
And normally, I would go and say hi
and shake hands and thank you personally,
but I got COVID, so I can't go out there.
Git-r-done!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, everybody.
[rockabilly music playing]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Larry the Cable Guy.
[cheers and applause]
[rockabilly music playing]
Thank you so much.
Please do not rush the exits.
Thank you so much.
Doggone, thank you.
Look at this, right?
[audience cheers]
Wow. Thank you so much.
Gun show must be next week, I guess.
How about this, all these lights?
Huh? Fancy.
Got all this on Amazon cards.
You believe that?
It's good to be here at the Capitol again,
I'll tell you.
-[audience cheers]
-That's right.
That's right.
Which is kind of weird
'cause I ain't never been here before.
So...
What the hell?
Well, thank you for coming. Hey...
Have you ever, like,
walked into a room at your house
and you get in there and you're like,
"What the hell
did I just come in here for?"
You ever do that?
You know what sucks about that for me?
This is the room, all right?
What the hell?
I forgot what I'm supposed to do.
I'm getting old. What the hell?
I forgot my wallet the other day
at the house.
I had to turn around and go get my wallet.
I couldn't find it.
Not the wallet, my house, all right?
Dadgum.
Sucks. You ever put
your glasses on your head
and then you're like,
"Where the hell's my glasses at?"
You're looking for your glasses for an
hour and a half and they're on your head.
I've done that with Q-tips.
Sucks getting old.
You ever say something to somebody,
then two minutes later
you're asking the same dadgum--
You ever do that?
You ever, like, walk in a room
and you get in there, you're like,
"What the hell am I doing in here?"
[audience laughs and applauds]
Well, we're gonna have fun tonight,
I tell you what.
This is a show I'm gonna remember,
apparently until tomorrow.
I embarrassed myself the other day.
I went to a gender reveal party,
I thought we were supposed to reveal
our gender and that, all right?
I'm like, "Look I'm a boy.
Look at this here, I'm a boy."
Dadgum.
There's a dermatologist in there,
and she said,
"You'd better get that skin tag
looked at right there. That don't..."
I had another buddy of mine
went to a gender reveal party,
and some woman was choking
on finger wieners.
Couldn't breathe. She turned blue.
And everybody was like,
"It's gonna be a boy."
[laughs]
Dadgum.
Well, I'm dressed to the nines tonight,
by golly.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Nothing I got on cost more than $9.
This is actually--
I sell clothes.
This is actually my fall/winter
fat guy collection right here.
Which is strikingly similar
to my spring/summer fat guy collection
that I like to wear.
I got these pants at the Goodwill.
You ever shop at the Goodwill?
I got these at the Goodwill,
and I come home and my wife goes,
"Where'd you get them pants?
I thought I took them up to the Goodwill."
You believe that?
I've bought these three times this year.
You believe that?
The hell?
Well, God love you.
I'm gonna go a little quicker tonight.
I got ice cream in the car,
and I apologize.
It's always fun when I do shows
'cause I've been doing it a long time,
so you never know when you'll get
the celebrity pop-in, you know,
'cause you never know
who's a fan that's close
that's gonna come over and do something,
it's always fun.
So... you wait here.
I mean, it's never happened,
but I'm just saying, all right?
At some point, it's bound to happen.
I mean, I never get the dadgum--
Foxworthy was working four blocks away
my show one time,
he didn't even show up.
You believe that?
That skinny bastard. What in the world?
I love Jeff.
I met Jeff 38 years ago
at an RV park in Gainesville.
He was going through my garbage.
And I've pretended to like him ever since.
[laughs]
We have fun, we do some stuff on--
You know what we like to do, me and Jeff?
We like to eat a bunch of Taco Bell
and then go to the closest
furniture store and fart in the recliners.
One time, he sharted and made me
buy the recliner.
You believe that?
What the heck is he doing?
Here's the thing about him.
He's still skinny.
He ain't gained no weight.
How can you be funny like that
and be skinny?
That ain't funny to me.
This is hilarious, all right?
Now that's funny.
-[audience cheers]
-[laughs]
Stay back, ladies.
Stay back, ladies.
I don't want you rushing me up here.
Look at the ladies.
I can see y'all right now,
pepper-spraying me with your eyeballs.
I can see it right now.
This is a body built for sin right here.
Unfortunately, that sin is gluttony.
I did put on a little weight.
The government just put me
on the no-fry list.
It ain't my fault, though.
I gained weight 'cause I hurt myself
and couldn't do no exercise
for two months. I...
I throwed my back out twerking.
Yeah, I was outside,
a ladybug went down my pants
and went in the crack of my ass.
I'm trying to get him out of there.
[audience cheers]
Threw my back out.
All of a sudden, [spitting sound]
it comes out right there, by God.
It went in a ladybug,
it come out a stink bug, by God.
That's how it done it.
That's how it done it right there.
Well...
My show, by the way, is PG-13.
"Pretty Good for 13 minutes."
But if you're offended at something,
the good news is
I got a money-back guarantee.
So I guarantee you,
you ain't gonna get your money back.
All right, that's how it's gonna be.
But this is exciting, ain't it?
I ain't been this excited since my church
replaced their communion wafers
with real vanilla wafers.
We got a lot of fat folks at my church.
You can't even
lift half of them up in prayer.
Jesus fed 5,000 men.
That wouldn't feed three
of our fat-ass elders, I guarantee you.
My wife was gonna work at the church.
She wanted to volunteer.
But the only thing they had left
was missionary position.
Start the van.
I worked up at the Sunday school one time.
They coaxed me into teaching
the Sunday school.
And I done it one time.
One time.
They said, "Larry, it's easy.
It's five-year-olds.
You give a lesson,
ask a couple of questions,
and then you color."
I can do that.
I read the story, asked a question.
First question was,
who did Jesus come to save?
Some little kid goes,
"The Jews and the genitals."
Who wants to color?
I'll tell you what irritated me.
They was all good,
and then somebody come for lunch
and give a little dessert.
They gave them the marshmallow Peeps
to all these five-year-olds.
You ever eat Peeps?
Them sugar marshmallows?
They have the Easter Peeps,
the Pumpkin Peeps,
and the Christmas Peeps.
They had all the Peeps down there.
Of course, I got into the Peeps.
I ate the entire collection of Peeps
they had down there.
I go in there to go to the bathroom.
I look in the toilet.
Holy smokes, it looked like my toilet
was celebrating Pride month in there.
All right? Dadgum.
What the hell?
Every color represented.
It was unbelievable.
[laughs]
How have I not won a Grammy Award by now,
all right?
-[audience cheers]
-Right?
Yeah, that's top notch--
That's top-notch material right there.
This show should have been $500 apiece.
So I was on the internet,
and they had a thing on there.
You can buy dadgum sex robots now.
$10,000.
What is this world coming to?
Dadgum sex robot for $10,000.
We had rubber dolls
when we was kids, they $15.
They weren't made too good, though.
My buddy Dougie, he overinflated it
and the left titty popped
and the nipple
took his eyeball out right there.
But, yeah...
It was horrible. Had an eye patch
for three years on there.
That's a powerful nipple there.
$10,000 for a dadgum sex robot.
You believe it?
20,000 if you want one that doesn't talk.
[laughs]
Ah, that's hilarious!
That's funny.
I'm hearing a lot of this for the first
time myself tonight, all right?
Oh...
I think I got a gay vacuum cleaner.
It's got three settings.
Small pile, large pile and Gomer Pyle.
[laughs]
I know. It's a gift.
It's a gift.
Now you notice
I'm walking a little gimpy tonight?
I apologize.
I was playing pickleball,
and, uh, I threw out my pickle.
I was playing, my pickle popped out.
I paddled my pickle. You believe that?
Anybody in here ever paddle your pickle?
How about grapple your gherkin?
You ever done that at all?
Who in here wishes
they'd never come here tonight?
Anybody else at all in here?
What the hell.
Feel pretty good, though. I got a couple--
I don't know what that is.
I'm gonna get that checked out.
I don't know what that is.
Every now and then
I go into airplane mode.
I don't know what the hell it is.
I got that Mitch McConnell disease
going on up here, whatever that is.
You kind of freeze...
[audience cheers]
But I do feel pretty good. I had a--
I will say this. I'm kind of freaking out
'cause I missed my colonoscopy.
So I'm kind of worried I'm gonna, like,
turn the wrong way or something.
A polyp's gonna jar loose
off my butthole vein down there,
go through the butthole vein
up into my head,
kill me in front of everybody.
That'd be a heck of a way to die
right there.
Sitting up there in heaven
with all the heroes of the Bible.
All the forgiven folks
sitting around the heavenly campfire.
"How'd you die ma'am?"
"Oh, Larry it was horrible."
"There was a trailer fire
and I went in to save a bunch of cats.
And the smoke got to me
and the Lord bring me home."
"Dadgum.
Holy shit. I mean, shoot. I meant shoot."
"How'd you die sir?"
"We was in Vietnam."
"And I was attacking the Japanese.
Which is weird
'cause we was in Vietnam, but..."
"Anyway, the Lord brung me home.
In battle."
"Dadgum, that's horrible."
"How'd you die, Larry?"
"I was on stage at the Capitol Theatre
in Clearwater,
and I turned too quick,
and a polyp come out my butthole there.
Went into my brain,
choked me out in front of everybody.
It's crazy.
You know what? Never mind.
Don't worry about it. I'll go over here.
I'll go talk to these people that shot
themselves in the head with a potato gun.
I'll go talk to them people.
That's more my speed over there."
Tell you what else is irritating me.
I'd get a prostate check,
which is no big deal.
Figure, blood test.
He used his finger.
How is that not illegal now?
He used his finger!
It was no blood test!
Then he put the glove on.
He goes, "You ready?"
I go, "I thought they done blood tests."
He goes, "I don't do blood tests.
I do finger."
He says, "You ready?"
I go, "I guess." Very unprofessional.
He goes, "Let's git-r-done!"
Right?
[audience cheers]
What in the world?
Holy smokes.
Dadgum.
I was hitting notes Adele ain't never hit,
all right?
Dadgum, I didn't know I was a falsetto
when I went in there.
I went in to get a prostate check,
I come out part of a barbershop quartet.
The worse part of the whole prostate exam
was having to hear the nurse
throw up in the trash can.
I remember the first time, though,
that I ever heard somebody say
"git-r-done" was at the grocery store.
'91, '90.
And nobody minds their business
in there, and I'll tell you why.
I was in the grocery
for $5 sushi Wednesday at the Publix.
And...
-[whistles and laughter]
-Yeah, right.
And some guy tapped me.
He goes, "You know, sushi's bad for you."
"You'll get stomach worms
and it'll kill you."
"You'll waste away to skin and bones."
I'm like, "Well, I think
I'm all right there, buddy, all right?"
I could get intestinal raccoons
and gain ten pounds right now.
I tell you, at the grocery store
where I don't mind my own business,
and neither do you
'cause we all do the same thing,
is count the items of the person in front
of me at the "ten items or less" line.
Every time I go in there in a good mood,
that gets me in a bad mood.
Just sitting in there,
you're talking to somebody, you're like,
"Oh, yeah, we're gonna go
to that baptism tomorrow."
"You know, Jason's gonna get..."
Uh... nine, ten...
Eleven-- Eleven, twelve.
Hey, douchebag, ten items or less
is on the dadgum deal there.
You know better.
Sorry, Reverend, but I'm just saying,
it's ten items or less.
I don't care if you did baptize my kid,
you ain't supposed to do that.
Follow the rules.
I remember the first time I heard
somebody say "git-r-done" other than me,
it was that day at the grocery store
up there at Publix.
Some guy was leaving the store
who works there.
And he yells back to his buddies,
"See you tomorrow, git-r-done!"
And I was like, "That's what I say."
And then his buddy yelled back,
"All right, git-r-done, see you tomorrow."
That's my deal.
So I go up to him, I go,
"Hey, let me ask you something.
That git-r-done,
where'd you hear that at?"
"Oh, this guy, Larry the Cable Guy.
He said 'git-r-done' on the radio.
It's hilarious."
I said, "That's me."
He said, "Shut up."
I said, "No, I swear, that's me."
I said, "Git-r-done."
He says, "You're not--
Let me hear your 'git-r-done.'"
I went, "Git-r-done!"
He goes, "That ain't even close
to how he does it."
They said, "Git-r-done"
in the Olympics one time.
I couldn't believe it.
This Chinese feller.
He was doing the rings.
He come down, and he does three flips,
and he lands, and he goes like this.
[speaking mock Chinese]
That's "git-r-done" in Chinese.
I swear to you, it is.
I swear to you. Google it. Google it.
[audience applauds]
I love them Olympics. I watch them.
And some of those Chinese girls,
they're so young.
I mean, have you ever seen
how young they is?
Matter of fact,
that's who won a lot of the medals.
That was her name, "So Young."
I knew she was young too
'cause she got the gold medal,
tried to take the wrapper off
to get to the chocolate.
You ever use chopsticks?
You ever use chopsticks?
Test two, test, test.
Well, you take them,
you balance them like this.
You get the two chopsticks in your thumb
and then you take your wrist,
bend your wrist,
and then you flip them in the trash can.
That's how you do it.
We're in America, not China.
We use spoons.
We use spoons.
My favorite Olympics was 2008.
Feller that won the gold medal
in Ping-Pong.
You know what his name was?
I ain't lying.
Dong Dong.
Dong Dong took the gold in Ping-Pong.
And he beat his brother,
that's the funny part.
Dong Dong beat Ding Dong.
That was his other brother.
That was his dumber brother, Ding Dong.
He was the black sheep, Ding Dong.
Never could do anything Dong Dong did.
Poor Ding Dong.
Dong Dong and Ding Dong.
I'd like to see the whole Dong family
on the Olympics,
that's what I'd like to see.
Or I'd like to see them on Family Feud.
That'd be even better right there.
Please welcome the Dong family.
Ding, Dang, Dong, Long,
and Jennifer.
But I like the Olympics. I like the...
volleyball.
You ever watch Olympic volleyball?
They got the men's volleyball in there.
And they hit them
like 110 mile an hour, 150 mile an hour.
I like women's volleyball too,
but I can't watch it too much
'cause of my carpal tunnel.
[audience laughter]
I tell you-- Hey, remember
the pistol shooting they had?
The dude from Turkey.
Everybody had fancy uniforms
and equipment.
There he is, a pair of jeans, glasses on,
holding a pistol.
I swear, if he'd have had
a cigarette in his mouth,
he'd look just like my dad
on the front porch
when the Jehovah Witnesses
come over, all right?
[laughs]
"I'll save you some time.
Turn around and go the other way now."
I like all the running games,
the marathons they got.
I was thinking about running a marathon.
And, uh...
I ain't gonna do it.
I'm just letting you know
I was thinking about it.
Believe me, I get winded
when my mind races, all right?
I did run a 5k one time.
That's a weird story.
I run a 5k.
I like to golf, and my hands hurt.
So my wife got me Copper Fit golf gloves.
It worked. I didn't have no pain.
I'm bragging on these gloves,
so I guess there's a hint
to lose weight or something.
She got me a Copper Fit jogging suit.
What is the world?
I ended up running five miles
trying to get away from meth heads
trying to get the copper
off my damn running suit in there.
If you're single
don't buy Copper Fit condoms,
I'll tell you that much.
They'll rip them right off of you.
Do not do it.
That's a tip from me right there.
That's right. Don't do it.
You ever run an obstacle course?
You ever done that?
Last time I was on an obstacle course,
a bouncer chased me
up a stripper pole.
They got the 24 Hour Fitnesses now.
Thank God.
I don't know how many times I woke up
at 4:10 in the morning
and said, "Boy, I tell you what."
"I wish there was a place
I could go squat 600 pounds right now,
but I don't know where it is."
I woke up the other day at 3:00 and said,
"I'm gonna go lift some weights
down there at 24/7."
Then I found out I ain't got a membership.
So went down and reheated some meat loaf.
I hate the gym.
Every time I go to the dadgum gym,
there's always somebody on the equipment
that I want to use.
And I tell them all the time,
they got to get more
vending machines in these places.
I hate the treadmill too.
Tell me this guy wasn't a weirdo.
There was a dude on the treadmill,
what an idiot.
He had a bottle of water
where you're supposed to put
the Pringles can container.
I hate the treadmill.
And I was watching
The Price Is Right one time.
You talk about embarrassing.
This is a true story.
You can Google this,
along with the Chinese "Git-r-done."
He was a guy with no legs
that won a treadmill.
That's a true story.
Guy with no legs won a treadmill.
You'd think they'd switch the gift quick,
get something else in there.
Get a washer and dryer in there, you know?
But not a stackable.
Don't get a stackable.
A guy with no legs
won a dadgum treadmill.
Is that not horrible?
I can't think of nothing worse
than having no legs
and winning a treadmill.
Except for maybe having
complete use of your legs
and winning a treadmill, all right?
And what in the hell
are they giving away a treadmill
on The Price Is Right for anyway?
Have you seen the contestants
that run down to the row down there?
Half of them can't make it halfway down
before they've got to put the CPAP machine
back on their dadgum face.
Marlene, come on down.
You're the next contestant on The Price...
Paramedics, come on down.
Which one of you five can guess Marlene's
cholesterol level without going over?
You'll win a treadmill.
I like that Plinko game. You like Plinko?
[audience] Yeah!
There's a sheep in here.
I put a Plinko game in our bedroom
to spice up the lovemaking.
Hey, I put a chip in there.
Boy, spin that way.
I'll put the chip in.
And I got a 5% chance of some action
happening that night in there.
Which is way better than the 1% chance
I'm currently sitting on
at this moment in my life.
My buddy and his wife,
they play jacks in the bedroom.
That's where he falls asleep,
and he goes over to Jack the neighbor's.
Anybody like to golf in here?
[audience] Yeah!
They got golf on the Olympics too.
Golf.
I got a love-hate relationship with golf.
Golf reminds me of the DMV.
You know, after about an hour,
everybody around me,
I want to stab them in the face,
you know what I mean?
Frigging hate golf.
Trying to get better.
I got a golf simulator.
I was on it the other day
and I had to let five people play through.
Playing a lot of charity golf events.
I enjoy doing that.
You know, I did five last year.
Well, four.
I was gonna do five.
One was for the Make-A-Wish kids,
and their wish was for me
not to participate in the golf tournament.
So I had to do that.
I do a lot of the celebrity pro-ams.
I played with Bernie Sanders one time.
What in the world?
You know, it was weird.
He didn't call them "mulligans."
He said they were entitlements.
[applause]
Did I mention there's exits here?
I don't know if I got the exits in.
I play in these celebrity deals.
I love them.
I was in the American Century one
in Tahoe,
and I hit two people,
busted a hotel window.
Holy smokes,
I was the only celebrity that day
to make Golf Channel and Court TV
at the same time.
It was unbelievable.
That's why I use two gloves,
so I don't leave prints.
A lot of people
have a name for their driver.
Mine is Exhibit A.
But my ultimate goal in golf
is to get to Augusta...
and clog the toilet in the clubhouse.
I have clogged the toilet
of many of the finest clubhouse toilets
at some of the greatest golf courses
in this country.
And I'm damn proud of it.
I think they're starting
to suspect I'm doing it,
'cause I'm the only golfer that carries
a plunger in his golf bag, all right?
Hey, you hear that story
about the ghost pooper?
Somebody's sneaking on golf courses
and pooping in golf holes.
What a moron.
Why don't they do what I do,
use the sand trap over there?
You know what I mean?
I mean, it's got a rake.
You can cover it up and everything.
They'll never even know it's you,
especially if you've got
a little deer turd.
They'll think it's a little deer
or something in there, just...
Knowing my luck,
I'll get my first hole in one,
it'll be in one of the poop holes.
"Hey, Larry, what ball you playing?"
"Titleist 1 with number 2 on it."
Go ahead, you can keep it.
I don't need it.
But I would say get a professional
to help you golf.
My friends always try to help me golf,
and they suck worse than I do.
You know, "How come I'm not putting good?"
"Well, let me show you."
"You're gonna show me?"
"Will's beating you,
and he's in a wheelchair"
I did get a professional,
and that helped too.
And now I'm throwing my clubs
20 yards further.
I tell you, it's unbelievable.
It really helped a lot to do that.
But I like playing old dadgum golf.
I remember...
I was in Las Vegas,
played in this golf tournament.
Get done. 2002.
And I'm in the lobby in the casino.
You ain't gonna believe this.
Henry Winkler come up to me.
Happy Days.
Henry Winkler, Happy Days.
Then he goes, "Larry, can I borrow $500?"
I'm like, "What?
You're Henry Winkler from Happy Days."
He says, "I know, but I'll tell you what.
I need--
Give me $500, I'll meet you here
in an hour, I'll give you $2500."
Dadgum right, Henry Winkler.
So, bam.
I ain't seen Henry Winkler
in 23 years, all right?
Dadgum.
Then I go on the internet
couple years ago,
found out I got caught up
in one of them dadgum Fonzie schemes.
[laughs]
Thank you. Hey, the good news is
we're halfway done, all right?
That's the good news.
Oh, time is flying, ain't it?
2025. Who'd have thunk it?
It sure seems like yesterday
I was knocking a bunch of old women over
trying to get to the last roll
of toilet paper.
I can never figure out
why that was a thing, toilet paper.
Have you seen the size of
the toilet paper they got at the Costco?
Looks like Fred Flintstone's
back tire sitting out there.
You got major problems if you're buying
round bails of toilet paper,
that's all I got to say.
You can always be guaranteed, though,
of two things happen in this country
if there's a major tragedy.
One, you ain't gonna find
no toilet paper nowhere.
And number two,
every dadgum radio station in the country
is gonna be playing Lee Greenwood,
"God Bless the USA."
That's a fact.
I was leaving the Costco a while back
and I turned the radio on in my truck.
Lee Greenwood
singing on the radio station.
I like, "Oh shit, what happened?"
I called my wife, I go, "You all right?"
She goes, "Yeah, why?"
I go, "Lee Greenwood's singing
on the radio in here."
She's like, "Oh shit, run back in there
and get some toilet paper,
while you're in there. Go do that."
The best thing to ever
come out all them years was
I got to do one excuse
if I didn't want to do nothing.
Used to have to make something up
on the spot.
They knew you were lying.
Now you just say,
"I can't do it, I got COVID."
That's a godsend right there.
"Hey, Larry, can you help us
take three truckloads
of sweet corn down to the fair?"
"Oh, Jimmy, I'd love to do it, buddy,
but I got COVID."
"Oh, man, that sucks.
When did you get that?"
"Like, two hours ago."
"You know I'd help you if I could.
I love you, but this ain't about me.
This is about you right here, all right?
Trying to keep you safe."
"So, what are you gonna do about it?"
"I can't do nothing. I guess I gotta watch
this Atlanta Braves double header.
I don't know what else I'm gonna do.
I mean, what can I do, really?"
I like sweet corn. You like sweet corn?
It's very...
Yeah, that's good stuff right there.
Did you know corn
has male and female parts?
There's male corn and female corn.
Did you know that?
That's true.
That's why I've never eaten corn nuts.
1994, where we was at the fair
with my great-grandma.
We had a tragedy.
She sneezed in the porta-potty.
And the fireman had to come get her teeth
out of the porta-potty for her.
I know.
I didn't kiss her for 15 years.
Then she went to get her dentures cleaned,
pulled them out,
and a corn nut rolled out
of the back of there.
[laughs]
What? What?
Hey, I only tell that joke
for shits and grins, all right?
That's...
That's the only reason
I tell that dadgum joke.
My mom, I moved my mom in with me
when she was 85.
She's 88 now, but when she was 85
I was worried about her
'cause she lived by herself.
She'd fallen down a lot.
And getting very forgetful,
which actually wasn't too bad 'cause
I got nine birthday cards this year.
I know, that's almost $50.
But I got her a Life Alert.
When she come, I got her
an apartment downstairs at our house.
I loved having her, got her a Life Alert.
She didn't have that thing on
45 minutes, it goes off.
Freaked me out. I run down there.
"What happened? You all right?"
"What channel's Fox News on?"
"Only for emergencies, Mom."
About 20 minutes later, go off again.
What the hell? I run down there.
"What? Are you all right?"
"I think Joe Biden's
got Alzheimer's disease."
"Well, you do realize you put your coffee
in the refrigerator today as well?
So you may...
you ain't much better."
And I love her, but that thing went off
25 times that day.
Then the next day,
I don't hear from her all day.
Now it's about 9:00 at night,
and I'm like...
I'm getting kind of worried.
So I go down the bedroom down there
and I kind of crack the door open.
There she is,
upside down,
feet flailing in the air.
Pinned between the bed and the wall.
And I'm like, "Why didn't you use
your Life Alert?"
She's like, "Well, I don't want
to bother anybody up there."
Oh my goodness.
-[audience cheers]
-I know.
So she's in assisted living now,
all right?
That's what she is.
[laughs]
She kind of was before,
except I was the assistant, all right?
But she loves it down there.
My mom, she's 88 now.
Looks good, but not in a bikini.
But everything else,
she does is real good.
But she loves it down there.
I go down there the other day,
she does this too.
I go, "You loving it down here?"
"Oh, it's so much fun.
They got bingo and they got cards.
But somebody's stealing from me."
"What do you mean somebody's stealing?"
"Somebody stole my sweaters."
"Well, did you look in the refrigerator?"
"You're not funny.
Somebody stole my sweaters.
They were nice sweaters."
"Well, you mean to tell me, Mom,
somebody come in your room
and you weren't here
and went past the big-screen TV,
your purse, three jewelry boxes,
and headed straight to the hamper
to get them sweaters out of there?"
"Yes, they did."
Of course, I love her,
so I got to humble her, you know.
So I'm like, "Well, Mom, you know,
I did see on the news the other day
they got a bunch of Mexican
sweater cartels in the area down here,
so you're right."
Then I go down there.
She's with the nurse.
She's got one of the sweaters on.
I'm like,
"Hey, I see you found your sweater."
"What are you talking about?"
"The one you said
somebody stole from you."
"Nobody stole-- He always thinks
somebody's stealing from me."
Now I'm a jerk.
Make sure you go down there.
She got a friend.
I went down to visit her friend Marge.
A hundred years old. It was her birthday.
And boy, she tiny, I tell you what.
You get tiny when you get older.
I used to be 6'6". It's unbelievable.
I'm just shrinking.
My buddy's great-grandpa down there,
106 years old.
The nurse carries him around
like a parakeet on her shoulder.
But Marge, they lit all the candles.
Looked like a prairie fire down there.
She blew out the candles,
but she passed out blowing them out.
They had to rush her to the hospital.
My mom was worried about her.
But the burn unit said she's fine.
Even though,
she lost both eyebrows
and half her mustache.
Uh, so...
She'll be back on the couch
watching Gunsmoke
in no time down there.
Here's a thing I noticed
about the assisted living,
the old folks' home,
whatever you want to call it,
is, uh,
it's kind of sentimental
because this is the last generation
of grandmas and great-grandmas
that got traditional grandma,
great-grandma names.
You go down there, you know,
you got a Rose and a Trudy
and a Gertie and a, you know,
Shirley and a Bessie.
Just think, 35 years from now
you're gonna go to an old folks' home,
bunch of old women running around there
named Chloe and Britney and...
a bunch of 90-year-old
shriveled-up old women
with unbelievable tits.
[laughter and applause]
That's how it is.
That's how it is.
Git-r-done, that's right.
Now, my uncle's 88.
He did not do assisted living.
He's a pervert, is what he is.
He went down to the villages,
that's where he went to live, by gosh.
-That's right. That's right.
-[audience cheers]
He went down there.
He's living it up down there.
He's got a heart-shaped hot tub
with a wheelchair ramp.
He's got the whole deal down there.
Got a Viagra Pez dispenser
all loaded up.
He had too many Viagra,
his first night there. He woke up,
he sees this eagle resting on the tip
of his wiener down there, with a dadgum--
They got gangs down there.
Did you know that?
Blue Cross-Blue Shield's
the big gang down there.
But he did, though.
He met the girl of his dreams.
He got invited to an over-75
swinger's party down there.
I guess they got to playing strip poker,
and the girl he liked got her titties
stuck in the automatic card shuffler.
And he didn't see it happen
because he'd already lost five hands
and had his glasses off,
so he didn't see anything.
He went over and helped her get it out,
and I'll tell you what, boy,
it was love at third tug.
Oh, yeah.
They ended up--
He got her tickets
to Fox News on Ice.
And he proposed to her
at Fox News on Ice.
He got down on one knee
and two testicles, and...
So they got married.
I didn't go to the wedding. I had COVID.
But, uh...
[cheers and applause]
Said, "What are you gonna do now?"
He goes, "I think we're gonna
settle down and have kids."
Have kids. Have kids do what?
Mow your grass?
Dadgum, a regular Abraham
and Sarah over here, these two.
I got a couple of kids.
They're, uh...
What are they, 13 months apart.
What is that?
They call that Siamese twins--
Irish twins.
Not Siamese twins.
I don't even know why they call them
Irish twins. They don't look alike.
I don't get it.
One's black and one's Puerto Rican.
All right, I don't know...
I don't know what the hell's going on.
I don't know what's going on.
When they were little though, I had to
talk about the birds and the bees.
It made me all scared. I figure
he'll learn everything on the school bus.
I ain't got to teach him nothing,
but I chickened out.
I just bought him a little cartoon book
that told all about that stuff.
My wife is mad at me.
"You should have just told him,
not get him that stupid book."
What?
It Burns When I Pee, Charlie Brown
is a good book.
Sorry.
I homeschool my kids.
I heard about this article,
uh, 75% of kids now
uh, can't read at a fourth grade level.
And it pissed me off.
I couldn't believe that
when my wife read me that article.
A lot of teachers sleeping with kids.
That freaks me out too.
But people think that's--
But that happened when I was a kid too.
That's been happening forever,
students sleeping with--
I slept with my sixth grade teacher.
That's a true story.
And lucky for her, though,
I just turned 18.
So nothing happened to her,
so that wasn't a big deal there.
My boy wants to join the...
My boy wants to join the Boy Scouts.
I ain't too keen on that now.
They gone all woke.
Yeah, I know. They used to be something,
but I don't know.
It sucks too,
because I was a Boy Scout, and I loved it.
I had all the badges.
I even had the "I ain't gonna tell nobody
what happened on Jamboree Night" badge.
I had that badge too.
That was a good badge.
That's the night I learned
how to untie knots.
[audience cheers]
Send your letters to this place,
all right?
Send them to this place.
Me and my wife just had
our 20th anniversary, wedding anniversary.
[cheers and applause]
She's awesome.
And I never know what to get her.
You got to go to the chart.
Twenty-five is silver. Fifty, gold.
Twenty is china.
So I ended up taking her up
to Panda Express.
Had a nice meal up there.
I even let her get the wontons
if she wanted to get them up there.
We get home, she's like,
"Is there anything I can do special
to spice up the lovemaking tonight?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, maybe a little
enthusiasm would help out a little bit."
You know, maybe not fold laundry
in the middle of it.
That'd be a nice date.
Maybe a little better foreplay,
not just "where do you want me?"
You know, that's not a big deal.
She's awesome, though.
When we spice things up, though,
we do have a safe word,
and that's "Ouch."
She kind of got mad at me
at Valentine's Day
because I was watching
the Ken Burns documentary
on the Grand Ole Opry,
and she's all ready to roll.
And I'm like, "Well, I gotta watch it."
I mean, my first job I ever had
in show business was the Grand Ole Opry.
I was the emergency backstage bedazzler
on Porter Wagoner's suit crew.
So she says,
"Well, I'm gonna be upstairs."
I said, "I'll be up there in a minute.
I gotta watch Lennon Sisters here."
So that took, like, two hours all limp.
But anyway,
halfway through Lennon Sisters,
I got all horned up and...
I went upstairs and put on
my rhinestone underbritches.
I woke her up at 3:15 in the morning
and asked her if she wanted to say hi
to Little Jimmy Dickens.
[laughs]
[audience cheers]
She didn't. I ended up
sleeping on the couch that night.
I made it up to her, though.
I took her to the testicle festival.
That was a lot of fun.
You ever been to a testicle festival,
where they deep-fry the testicles
and eat the testicles?
Oh, my gosh, It's a ball.
It's unbelievable.
Well, I mean-- I didn't mean it like that,
but it is nuts in there, I ain't lying.
They got-- It's a crazy deal.
Then I came home, and my brother was over.
His dog was licking his testicles.
And I'm like,
"You think they're good like that?"
"You ought to deep-fry them
every now and then, what's you oughta do."
Put a little sauce on there.
My brother's something else.
He's into these conspiracy theories.
Which a lot of them
are coming true, by the way.
I tell you what one's complete BS,
and that's the one I get on my phone
every now and then says
there's good-looking single women
in my neighborhood that want to meet me.
All right? That's...
Yeah. Fake news.
That is fake news.
My brother always talks about aliens.
"We've seen aliens," he says.
"I was fishing with Brad,
we seen aliens on the St. John's River.
They was 12 foot tall with triangle heads
and cauliflower ears."
"You get a picture?"
"No, we was too scared to do it."
Too scared.
"You know, an alligator
jumped in your boat two days ago,
you had 40 pictures of it on Snapchat
in five minutes in there."
It's unbelievable. Aliens.
You know, we got billion-dollar satellites
ain't seen shit.
But my brother and his buddy Brad
seen three of them on St. John's River.
They're looking for them.
There's no such thing as aliens,
and I hate to tell y'all that,
cause some people...
The aliens are what the government
uses to say "Look over here,"
so they can shove something
up your hind end over here.
That's what aliens are.
I don't know if you ever noticed that.
That's what aliens--
You ever notice a big story coming out,
all of a sudden they whip out
the alien stuff?
Trust me, if there were aliens,
one of them would be
dating a Kardashian by now, all right?
So there ain't no aliens.
I remember one time,
my brother was so scared.
We was trick-or-treating with the kids,
and four cornfields down this old woman's
got the scariest skeleton.
She'd win an award
if they did in the country--
Like, you decorate houses, but they give
awards in town, but not out--
But she got this crazy-- It's spooky.
He never wants to go up there
with the kids.
But this year, we got the balls
to go up there, and it was crazy.
Turns out it was her.
She locked herself out five years ago.
Well, I got a crazy family.
My sister-in-law,
I'm gonna talk about her.
This is one of the biggest
son of a bitches I ever seen in my life.
And I mean that in a good way.
I don't mean that in a bad way.
He met her in college.
And he only went to that school
because he said there's five girls
to every guy at this college.
And by gosh, he come home with her.
I said, "Looks like you got all yours
in one clump right here, is what you did."
She's a big'un, boy.
You know what she gave my kids
for Halloween?
Candy wrappers.
She come over to ride horses
the other day,
and the horse looked at me like,
"You gotta be shitting me right now."
She got on the Tilt-A-Whirl.
When she got off, the world was more
tilted than when she got on the thing.
You remember that character
in James Bond,
uh, Pussy Galore?
You remember that?
She's Front Butt Galore, all right?
She was the first woman in the country
to be administered
the Moderna chili cheese COVID shot.
And she got three cool ranch boosters.
I don't know if you know this or not,
but this show's been over for 12 minutes.
All right? That's...
Anyway, my brother--
They ended up getting married.
I didn't know, I had COVID, but...
I shouldn't talk about fat folks, though.
I got my own dadgum problems.
You know you're getting too fat
when you go to microwave something,
and you look at the directions
and you're like, "Ugh, 90 seconds?
Really?
I'm hungry now.
I can't wait 90 seconds on this ravioli."
But I've lost eight pounds in two weeks.
And it's little hints that I had
that I needed to lose weight.
One of the them was I was at the
department store with my wife, shopping.
They had a fat mannequin in there.
You know, with big fat clothes
on the fat mannequin.
All the wokers did that.
We got to get fat mannequins.
You don't want to offend fat people.
Which offends me as a fat person,
I'll be honest with you.
How am I gonna have incentive
to lose weight
if they just got fat mannequins in there
with a bunch of fat clothes on it?
That's where I got this shirt at,
all right?
Anyway, I'm sitting there staring at it,
stewing over the fat mannequin.
Some woman come over, went like this,
looking for a tag on my shirt.
You believe that right there?
I'm not a fat mannequin!
But this is what really did it for me.
I got out of the shower the other day
and I'm toweling off like this.
I hear somebody clapping.
I looked back to see if it was my wife.
It was my ass.
You believe that?
[applause]
Unbelievable. My butt cheeks
were giving me a standing ovation
right there in the dadgum window.
What the hell?
But I'm on a diet now.
Anybody here on a diet?
-[man] Nope!
-[woman] Yes.
I'll be honest. A lot more of you
should have had your hands up.
I actually was down 52 pounds last summer.
That's right. I did it the right way.
No sugar, you know.
I tried all kinds of--
That works. No sugar, don't eat late.
I tried a coffee enema.
You ever try a coffee enema?
Well, if you do,
let it cool down first, all right?
Let it do that.
Holy smokes.
Whoa. Probably a bad idea
to add half and half in there too,
you know what I mean?
That probably wasn't good.
All I know is this.
The best part of waking up
ain't Folgers in your butt, all right?
I know that much.
Dadgum.
But I lost 52 pounds.
I thought I was looking good.
I was looking good,
but I'm a hypochondriac,
so if somebody says something
it freaks me out.
For instance, I lost 52 pounds.
I'm standing there
watching the baseball game.
Somebody come up and goes, "Larry?"
"Yeah?"
"Hey, hi.
You all right?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Well, you lost a lot of weight."
"I know. I'm trying to."
"Oh, all right. Well, you look good."
Evidently not.
Evidently I look like
I'm sick and dying over here, evidently.
So now it freaked me--
maybe I didn't lose weight--
because maybe I'm sick.
The only way to prove I ain't sick
is I'm gonna go home, and I did.
I went home and ate solids for two weeks,
see if I could gain weight.
Well, guess what?
I ain't got cancer, all right?
Look at that. There we go.
[applause]
Yeah.
I like my doctor. I got a fat doctor.
I love a fat doctor.
It's almost like he's winking at me when
he tells me stuff I shouldn't be doing.
[laughs]
"Hey, Larry, you better lay off
them buffets."
I tell you what, I did kind of stop
going to buffets.
And I love buffets.
But I'm kind of germophobic
because I was in Las Vegas, and...
Ugh, I mean,
people from a hundred different countries
going through nine trays of food
with the same utensils?
What the hell?
I want up there,
I got pork chops, mac and cheese,
pink eye and hepatitis
when I was up there.
But I'm older now.
You get older, you got to start
going to the doctor more.
I'm 62 years old, you believe that?
-[audience cheers]
-I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I'm one blood test away
from a GoFundMe page right now.
Sixty-two.
Which is odd because I don't feel 62.
I can still do the same stuff at to 40
I can do at 62 now.
Yeah, well, just shows you how out
of shape I was when I was 40 years old.
I was fat when I was 40.
But I'm the same age-- Here's the thing.
When I started feeling good about my age,
somebody sent me a note
and said, "Ha ha ha."
You're the same age as Angela Lansbury
in Murder, She Wrote."
What a kick in the nads
that is right there.
My grandma watched that show.
That's an old-person show.
Angela Lansbury, Murder, She Wrote.
You every see Angela Lansbury?
You ever see her? Yeah.
I'll be honest, she's kind of hot.
You know you're getting older
when your wife comes down in lingerie
and your first thought is,
"How much did that cost?"
My wife's 13 years younger than me, so...
she's always ready to roll.
And I'm like... I'm...
I'm scared to make love to her.
I can't make--
I'm breathing heavy
going up the damn stairs to get up there.
I mean, it ain't fun.
It's not even fun anymore, you know?
It's like a 20-second stroke
with a seizure at the end of it.
That's all it is.
I mean, I say a prayer
every time I go up there.
You know?
That ain't a heck of a way to go.
I don't want to die with my pants down,
you know what I mean? That ain't good.
And I can't hide it from my kids,
you know?
They know what's going on.
Come downstairs, "Where's Mom?"
[slurring] "She'll be down in a
minute. She's upstairs."
Dadgum.
It scares me.
It scares me to make love to her.
Dadgum.
I can't even, like...
Now I got to hold my breath
to cut my toenails.
I got...
Twenty-one seconds, I got to come back up
like a turtle in a pond
to get fresh air,
come back down every dang time.
Gotta get that end.
You know, and it's always the end piece.
I can't get the end piece over there.
Dadgum, I can't get the end piece
on that damn...
[grunts]
One time, I got stuck and I had
to walk like this for seven days.
I gradually started getting better.
I looked like a walking evolutionary
chart the whole time, just kind of...
-[audience cheers]
-Right on.
That's right.
Oh...
I can't laugh without coughing no more.
I got no lung capacity.
I'm always like...
[laughs and coughs]
That's when you know you're getting older,
you and your wife.
You're watching Seinfeld
and you laugh and cough,
and she laughs and pees the couch.
That's...
Uh...
You ever get
that old-man bubble coming up,
you ever get one of them,
any of you 60-year-olds?
You're just talking, like,
"Y'all gonna go to-- [coughs]
What the hell was that?
What was that thing?
I got phlegm shooting up
from my inner stomach area."
Oh, dadgum.
You get stuff--
I would have never dreamed
the injuries you get when you're older
that you don't even think about
when you're a kid.
One time I farted, ripped my taint,
had to get stitches.
I mean...
I didn't even know that was possible.
I can't sleep at night.
I got insomnia.
That ain't good.
I read a book, though.
If you read a book,
it'll make you tired, you go to sleep.
You ever done that?
Yeah?
I got a book, like, 500 pages.
I tried it.
I've had that book four months.
I'm on page three.
I see a commercial on late at night
for erectile dysfunction.
And it is the dumbest commercial
I ever seen.
It was people sitting on the beach
watching the sun go down.
Wouldn't they be watching the sun go up?
Why would it be going down?
And it's not a dysfunction.
It's just not functioning.
I'll tell you what a dysfunction would be.
This would be a dysfunction.
You're sleeping in bed
3:00 in the morning.
All of a sudden your wiener
sneaks out of bed,
goes down to the pantry,
eats all the Funyuns, all right? That's...
That's a dysfunction right there.
That's...
[cheers and applause]
You know, uh, this is a thing
that really bothers me.
Growing old with your favorite
rock and roll bands.
Oh, I remember 1987.
I was so excited to have seventh-row
tickets to see Foreigner.
[audience cheers]
Right over here.
[applause]
Three weeks ago,
I was in line with them in Vegas
at the buffet.
And we both had to cancel our show
because of pink eye.
AC/DC is now AARP.
I went to a concert and bought some swag.
I bought a T-shirt and some Thunderstruck
compression socks when I was over there.
How come every time Mick Jagger
gets a new girlfriend,
I get an Amber Alert?
I like the story behind the...
I like the story behind the songs.
You know, like Neil Diamond
wrote "Sweet Caroline."
Remember that song?
Do you know what that's about?
Caroline Kennedy.
That's true.
And here's another one
that you can google him over.
"Cracklin' Rosie."
He wrote that song
on a first-class flight to Los Angeles
sitting next to Rosie O'Donnell...
while she was eating pork rinds.
So I gotta tell you this little story.
Uh...
So I'm driving down the road a while back,
and there was a kid
out in front of the Subway
jumping up and down in a pickle suit.
And I was like, "Look at this loser.
You've made a lot of bad decisions
in your life
if you're in a pickle suit
jumping up and down
in front of a Subway
trying to get people to buy sandwiches."
And then...
Then I start thinking, "His poor parents."
Here, his poor parents
had hopes and dreams for this kid.
He's in a pickle suit in front of Subway.
That's devastating.
And then-- And then I started thinking,
"What if that was my kid?"
I wouldn't be too happy about it.
I definitely wouldn't want people
making fun of him.
That's my kid. I love him.
You know?
Then I felt bad for making fun of him
because I tell you what.
At least he's working.
Right?
-[applause]
-At least he ain't...
At least he ain't wasting his life
in a basement somewhere.
[woman] Yes!
You know what I'm saying?
-[woman] Preach!
-Yeah.
God bless him.
I'm a complete douchebag
for making fun of this kid
because he's working.
This is the kind of kid that's going,
"I don't care what I got to do,
but I got to make some money.
And if it involves me
getting in a pickle suit
and jumping up and down,
getting people to buy sandwiches,
then by gosh, I'm gonna do it
because it could lead to something else.
I'll save me some money,
get me a nice apartment."
Now I'm, like, really feeling bad.
I love this kid.
I'm the biggest cheerleader of this kid.
Seriously, that's awesome.
He's in the dadgum--
So I go into the store.
This is a true story.
I said, "Hey, I'm buying a dozen
sandwiches from you
because of that kid out there.
His work ethic.
Out there in the hot sun
in this pickle suit."
Turns out he don't even work there.
He's just a nut job that likes pickles.
[applause]
Well, listen, I love you guys to death.
Thank you.
I want to thank you for coming
to my special taping tonight.
-[applause]
-Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.
And, uh...
I...
You guys have been so awesome to me
throughout the years,
so I do appreciate it.
And normally, I would go and say hi
and shake hands and thank you personally,
but I got COVID, so I can't go out there.
Git-r-done!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, everybody.
[rockabilly music playing]