Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular (2007) Movie Script
1
The show starts in an hour, we got time
for one more.
Rehearsal.
Dearest Lawrence, the cable guy.
It is with great regret that I must tell
you I cannot co-host your Christmas special.
I just couldn't do justice to Winky the
Horniest Elf.
Damn it, Sir Ben Kingsley!
That is so unprofessional.
Where am I gonna find a huge star to work
for cable money?
Wait a minute... I'm in Vegas!
All right, listen up, everybody.
I'm in a pinch.
Ben Kingsley killed himself, and I need a
co-host for my Christmas special.
Hey, Pam Anderson.
You know, I liked you better than that red
bathing suit showed off your floaters.
Ha, ha, ha.
Forget that guy.
He's had more screaming kids on his lap
than Santa Claus.
You gotta be kidding me.
Y'all got a roadie in here?
You know, you'd make a great Matthew
McConaughey.
Oh, how cool is this?
Does anybody have a camera?
I gotta get my picture taken with all the
Osbournes.
Holy crap, that's uncanny.
Manuel Noriega.
Geraldo?
Larry, it's me, Tony Orlando.
Tony, for God's sake, you're impersonating
yourself.
It's Christmas, and I do need some work.
And anyway, aren't you supposed to be back
there with Sir Ben Kingsley?
Ah, that idiot left me hanging.
Tony, come on, you've got to be on the
show with me.
We've been doing it for 40 years.
But they never air them.
I mean, some we filmed in your kitchen.
And without cameras.
Look, minor details.
This is Vegas, baby.
This is a big to-do.
Well, in this town, the women throw their
room keys at me, and that's a free shower,
baby.
I'll let you sing.
On the show?
Yeah, on the show.
A solo without the puppet.
All right, no puppet.
Deal?
Deal.
I'm in.
Let's go.
We got a show today.
Let's do it.
See you later, losers!
It's Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas
Spectacular!
With musical guests Kid Rock!
And appearances by Jim Brewer,
Carrot Top, Flavor Flame, Penn Jillette!
Jamie Kennedy, Lisa
Lampanelli, Vicki Lawrence,
Jeffrey Ross, George
Wallace, George Wendt!
And special guest, Tony Orlando!
And now, ladies and
gentlemen, welcome the jolliest
man himself of the North
Pole, Larry the Cable Guy!
Look at this.
Look at this.
Alright, that's good.
Alright.
Hey.
Welcome to my Christmas Spectacular.
I'm gonna tell you what,
I've been wanting to do this
show since Rosie O'Donnell
was a thin straight boy.
It's great doing a Christmas special in
Las Vegas, Nevada.
Nothing says Oh Holy
Night like 24-hour liquor
stores and immigrants
passing out pornography.
I'll tell you that much.
That's right.
I like my boobs like I like my Christmas
trees.
Narrow at the tip and artificial.
I've got so many good Christmas memories.
Waking up early in my footie
pajamas and running into
my parents' room to wake
them up and them yelling at me.
Larry, you're 44 and you've got your own
house, for God's sake.
And put your pants on.
I thought Santa Claus was kind of creepy
as a kitty.
He sees you when you're sleeping.
We had a guy like that in our neighborhood
and we had him arrested.
As a teenager, my
favorite part of Christmas
was having a train
around the tree every year.
But that ended when that girl finally got
sent to reform school.
That ain't right.
Lord, I apologize, that ain't very
Christmassy.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And our family traditions was great.
Every year we'd wait till
the neighbors would leave
and we'd cut down one
of their backyard trees.
Then we'd decorate it
with lights and police tape to
keep my sister from eating
a string of popcorn off of it.
I really hate when the whole family comes
over.
You know, there's a reason why you only
see some of these folks only once a year.
My brother-in-law has gone green.
If you don't believe me, look at his
teeth.
I got a cousin who's so fat, her elbow has
a camel toe.
Every year, my relatives give me one of
them Hickory Farm gift baskets.
You ever get that?
Why was that ever a tradition?
What does that have to do with Christmas?
Nothing says Happy Birthday, Jesus, like a
two-foot meatlog and some spicy mustard.
I tell you what.
Yeah, you eat one of them gift baskets,
it'll be your last supper, I guarantee you.
And what's with the fruitcake,
that piece of crap?
Good night.
Why is it they can make underwear you can
eat, but not a fruitcake?
I tell you who's hard to buy for,
my brother, he's hard to buy for.
He is so into rough sex, I never know what
to get.
So this year I bought him a blow-up doll
with a patch kit.
That's funny, I don't care who you are
right there.
Now somebody one time gave me a gift card.
Don't you hate them gift cards?
And they always say, you open up,
you're so excited, and it says,
A donation has been made in your name to
the Special Olympics.
I can never believe I get that.
But you know what?
It works out for the evening.
What I do is, I just
invite them kids over to
play poker, and I get
their money back anyway.
Alright?
That's right.
I do.
I love playing poker with them kids.
It's easy.
See, that's when a pair
of threes can beat an ace
high flush, and a banana
can beat four of a kind.
Alright?
I don't get Christmas caroling.
I don't like seeing my neighbors,
much less hearing them sing.
Now unless my neighbor's
Kenny Chesney or Faith Hill, I
doubt your neighbors are
pretty much worth listening to.
You know, it's just kind of weird hearing
your neighbors sing about the baby Jesus
when last week they
just shot each other
arguing over a Chevy
being better than a Ford.
Alright?
The day after Christmas is always a
letdown too.
It's like you have all these
weeks to get excited, and you're
excited, and you're excited,
and there it is, and boom!
It's over with.
Now I know how all my ex-girlfriends felt.
Well, I'm telling you!
Alright, look, enough of this nonsense.
We've got a great show.
Let's bring out a man who's like an
international Elvis.
He's Greek, and he's Puerto Rican,
but don't hold that against him.
He's an entertainment legend, and he is my
buddy.
Say hi to Mr. Tony Orlando.
Merry Christmas, Larry.
Merry Christmas.
No, no, no, no.
That's Feliz Navidad.
Now, I'm amazed.
After all these years doing our Christmas
special, you finally say it right?
Let's just say I don't el-spea-co
el-spa-no very bueno.
Alright.
Tony, you know what this show needs right
now?
It needs a song from Mr. Tony Orlando.
You're kidding.
Nope.
Well, I'll tell you something, this is
going to be my Christmas gift to you, buddy.
I'm going to do this song tied with a
ribbon, just for you.
Alright, let's do it.
This is about the time I go to the
bathroom.
Come on, let's do it.
Hit it, guys.
You ready?
There we go!
Come on!
Let's do it!
What the... Who the hell are you?
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I'm here to tell you that your life is
taking a turn down a dark path.
Okay?
I'm gonna show you the way.
Grab a hold of my jacket.
Let's not get dad-friendly, Casper.
Dadgummit, my dip didn't make it.
Yeah, we're working on that.
Now that's how you get in a nudie bar,
no cover.
Larry, look at the schlub over there.
Hey, that's me!
It's Christmas Eve, and you're in a nudie
bar.
Yeah, what's your point?
Don't you get it?
It's the holiest night
of the year, and you're
out drinking and carousing
with naked women.
I gotta tell you, I ain't following you on
this.
Larry, it's Christmas.
Look how jolly I am.
Well, you should be.
You've been here for 12 days.
Well, I'm a traditionalist.
Where's your goodwill?
I tipped or doubled.
Larry, I have failed to
show you the error of your
ways, but you will be
visited by two more ghosts.
Hey, where you going?
It's two for one.
Where am I?
Hey, who's you?
I am the ghost of Christmas present.
I'm here to show you that
even though you've had
success, you've neglected
people in your life.
Hey, Tony, what are you doing here?
He can't hear you.
He can't hear nothing?
No.
You know, I never did like that Yellow
Ribbon song.
Tony's your friend, and yet...
On in one minute, Mr. Orlando.
Aren't you ashamed?
Yeah, I am.
Can't believe I hired somebody who drinks
that cheap whiskey.
No, you idiot.
It's you who is the disgrace.
Tony's your friend and this is the
dressing room you put him in?
What's wrong with this?
That's a brand new fly strip right there.
I give up.
Larry, you got one more chance this
evening.
You'll be visited by the ghost of
Christmas future.
He will show you your fate if you don't
change your selfish ways.
What'd you say?
Hey, where'd he go?
Man, this is depressing.
Hey, Bonnie, do me a favor.
Send a fruit basket up to Tony Orlando's
room.
Nothing fancy.
Keep it simple.
None of them macadamia nuts.
Banana.
Maybe a couple of Slim Jams.
Let me guess.
You're either a pissed-off monk or the
ghost of Christmas future, right?
Wait a minute.
This is my future?
You can't be serious.
This is all mine.
Sweet.
Got me a barbecue grill, Two-car garage,
one of them fancy UHF TV antennas,
gated community.
All right, what's the catch, Reaper?
You're not getting it, Larry.
What?
This is your home.
This is where you live because your wife
left you.
Oh.
So I didn't kill her?
No!
This is your invisible existence.
You sit around here drinking beer and
watching TV all day.
When can I start this future?
You're alone in the desert, living off a
disability check.
Oh, damn.
Don't tell me I lost my arm getting snacks
out of a vending machine.
You found a loophole.
Damn, this deal keeps getting sweeter and
sweeter.
Stay in the path you've chosen,
okay?
I'm out of here.
Eleven-thirty.
Man, them ghosts done did their job all in
one night.
I hope it's not too late.
Bonnie, cancel Tony Orlando's food basket.
Hey, stay where you are, we got a big show
tonight.
Lots of laughs, good music,
and more Christmas spirit
than you can fit in a fat
woman's underbritches.
Well hey, once again it's that time of
year for the annual office Christmas party.
For such big fancy
holiday to-dos, Even I, Larry
the Cable Guy, gotta
break out the formal wear.
Look at that.
I ain't gained an inch since high school.
It's unbelievable.
Now, there's a few rules
you need to follow in order
to keep from embarrassing
yourself at these parties.
You know, Christmas is a busy time of
year.
But thanks to the company's open bar
policy, you can get in some of that
last-minute shopping you didn't have time
for.
Hey, barkeep.
You know, the boss wanted me to get him
some Jack Daniels.
Oh, and there's a glass to drink it out
of.
What a better place than the Christmas mix
you're down.
Get to know some of the people in the
company that you work with.
And don't forget, the
best way to remember
somebody's name is
to repeat it back to them.
Hey, Merry Christmas, I'm Larry.
Hey, Hal Goldstein.
Goldstein?
Holy crap, they let you into a Christmas
party?
Let me ask you something, what's the
statute of limitations on killing or saving?
I'm just kidding, Winky.
Boy, I sure am glad my God lets me enjoy
these bacon-wrapped mushrooms.
At least my people fast once a year.
Looks like you had the whole Last Supper
yourself.
You're like all twelve disciples stuffed
into one jacket.
This brings up another very important
rule.
Once the topic of religion comes up,
it's best to change the subject.
Hey, ever wish you had one of them uncut
wieners, Goldstein?
What are you talking about?
There's plenty of room by the buffet.
I don't think you understood the question.
Make sure you arrive early enough to get
some one-on-one time with the bosses.
And don't miss this opportunity.
Talk up your co-workers.
Oh, Larry.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Bob.
Thanks for throwing the party.
Sure.
Oh, by the way, Foster.
Don't you think playing with yourself
at the computer to orientalwhore.
com during Casual
Friday is a little too casual?
Believe it or not, the
office party is the one time a
year you actually want to talk
to the women you work with.
If you can pick up on their subtle
conversational cues, you'll be able to
find a woman who's looking for some action
in the supply closet.
God, I'm so horny I'd squat on a cat post.
Oof, nothing there.
I just love this time of year.
Bingo.
I'm totally catching her horny vibe.
But remember, if you hook up, make sure
it's with somebody you know.
See that chick Alan's making out with over
there?
Alan's about to discover the worst kind of
Christmas package.
She's got a pecker!
That hurts.
Hey, remember this.
A good friend tries to
look out for his co-workers
when they've had a
little too much eggnog.
There's signs to look for.
Larry.
Larry.
Oh man.
Hey, where's the bathroom?
It's right over there.
Awesome.
Totally awesome.
You rock!
Good times.
Of course, relieving
yourself in the office ficus
isn't the only sign you've
had way too much to drink.
Hey Larry, you know what we need to do?
We need to fire all the women and all the
minorities.
Gonna miss you, Steve.
Right now, it's about time to find
somebody to go home with.
Hey, I got a warm case of beer out in the
truck.
What do you say we shotgun a few and dry
out the bed liner?
You do realize I'm the CEO's wife,
don't you?
No kidding.
I'm Hal Goldstein.
It worked.
You ready to go, Larry, you sexy beast?
Now there's a girl who got her head
screwed on right.
God bless us all.
Hurry up, you sound bit.
And now, the Christmas Spectacular Roast
of Santa Claus.
Well, as you know, it's always a tradition
on our holiday show to roast a celebrity.
And this year, our special
guest is somebody who
probably is the most
famous celebrity in the world.
Please welcome the fat man himself,
the man with a bag, Santa Claus!
Boy, I tell you what.
Look at this desk we've got up here.
My good friend Tony Orlando is here
tonight.
Make sure you tip him when he brings your
car around tonight.
You know, Tony, it's so good to see you
without your leaf blower.
You know, leave it to
a Puerto Rican to name
his backup singers
after dishwashing liquid.
It's good to see the wise men here.
I know you're all bearing gifts of gold,
but it shouldn't be his teeth.
Oh, by the way, nice necklace.
I forgot, at midnight, y'all turn into
custodians.
Mama is here.
Boy, I loved you on Mama's Family.
That show was... wasn't that good?
That's right.
That's right.
And the fact that you're here just means
that Carol Burnett cancelled.
What I'll say, you're as beautiful today
as you were the day the earth first formed.
And the Easter Bunny is here, I'll tell
you what.
What a tradition the Easter Bunny started.
Every year he gives little children
diabetes.
It's good to see one of Santa's elves
here.
At 5 those outfits are pretty cute,
but at 45 it's kind of creepy.
And I'm glad Mrs. Claus is here.
Look how beautiful she is.
She's the reason the North Pole stays dark
half the year.
But we're here tonight to honor this man.
A man so fat he just heard roast and said,
I'm in.
You know, Santa, I'd
ask for your autograph,
but I don't want you
to overexert yourself.
Santa, a man who plays with toys all day,
wears the same clothes, enters houses
through the chimney, and they call him a
saint.
Most people would call you retarded.
Well, let's get this thing started.
Our first guests have a new show on the
strip here in Las Vegas with legends
Siegfried and Roy, called Three Kings and
Two Queens.
Please welcome the Magi, the Three Wise
Men!
Larry, I know you were dreaming of a white
Christmas, but wake up, redneck.
You know, you know, they just call you
fat.
And it is true that you're fat.
And I bet your mama's fat, too.
Is that true?
They tell me your mama's so fat she got a
real horse on her polo shirt.
Is that true, Santa Claus?
Santa, we appreciate what
you do for all the children
of the world, but personal
hygiene is important.
We've got to talk to somebody about
getting you a paycheck.
You've been wearing that same cheap-ass
suit for decades.
You need some Febreze.
Your suit smells like sleigh sweat, reindeer
afterbirth, and farm-fresh fruitcake.
It's got to stop.
Yeah, yeah, I'm black.
I mean, I'm black.
Yeah, let's do this.
Santa, we're so happy to see you here
tonight.
Is it true that your mama's so fat you
can't even pull her up on the Internet?
Is that true?
And I could have been your daddy, but
your momma done have change for a dollar.
As wise men, we know many languages,
but English puzzles us.
How is it that the word dusty double wide
not only describes Santa's ass,
but Larry's birthplace?
Hey, yo, check this out though,
Santa.
Word up, man.
And the least you could
really do, It's give some of your
reindeers some black names,
you know what I'm saying?
Like On Leroy, On Shaquille, On Flavor.
I like that, I like that.
And On Your Mama, that's what I'm talking
about.
What are you laughing at?
I know you're an ugly mama too.
They tell me your mamas are ugly when
birds fly over.
They fly upside down so they won't have to
s on her.
We actually, need to be honest, we
didn't know this was a Santa Claus roast.
We just heard that a jovial
white man was in the hood with
white trim and a big fat sack,
and we came to offer some help.
Thanks fellas, that was perplexing.
Tell the warden we said hey.
Is our next guest one
of the most beloved
and multi-talented
comedic women of our time?
Yes.
Has this actress had an entertainment
career that has spanned 30 years?
Yes.
Has this woman earned the right to be
called one of America's TV icons?
Yes.
Is she working?
No.
Please welcome, Mama!
Larry, the cable guy.
That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?
He's not good enough for real TV.
Larry's movies are doing really,
really well in the retirement homes.
They are making the old people stop
clinging to life.
All
the three wise men over here, I didn't
recognize them without their squeegees.
I'll tell you what, I'm Nacho Mama.
Anyway, we are here tonight to honor this
poor, pitiful excuse for a man.
Look at yourself.
Look how out of shape you are,
for heaven's sake.
A kid asking Santa for a bicycle is like
an acting coach asking Larry for advice.
And you know, I have
always wondered how Santa
came up with that phrase,
Then I met Mrs. Claus.
Good Lord, talk about a ho, ho,
ho.
I mean, I'm not saying
that she's easy, but
instead of foreplay, she
does have pre-boarding.
Well, I guess I better
get back to the nursing
home, or as Tony
Orlando calls it, a tour stop.
Merry Christmas, you old fart.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Now that that's over with, let's get back
to the comedy portion of the roast.
Our next guest has a big heart and even
bigger ears.
No, it's not Prince Charles, it's Herbie
the Christmas Elf, everybody.
What's happening?
Wow.
Quick announcement before I get started.
Unfortunately, Tony
Orlando won't be singing
tonight because he
lost his voice in 1982.
Folks, not three times if you think he
should retire.
Anyway, Larry the Cable Guy, thanks for
inviting me here tonight.
Let's face it, Larry, you know it's sad when
you're the fattest guy at Santa's Roast.
Larry loves elves, but just the ones who
work for Keebler.
Come on, Larry, you look like you
celebrate 12 days of Christmas,
and then 353 days of Thanksgiving.
This is actually the first time Larry the
Cable Guy is meeting Santa Claus,
because, you know, trailers don't have
chimneys.
Now I realize there's a lot of work being
Santa, right?
It must be really tough, you know?
Those kids can't sit on their own laps,
right?
Ho, ho, ho, tell Santa what you want.
How about a fing day off?
If we worked 20 hours a day, you'd pay us
in fing thumb drops.
Let's face it, you'd treat your elves like
Michael Vick treats his dogs.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Happy Hanukkah!
Happy Kwanzaa!
Don't eat the yellow snow, I love ya!
Thank you for having me.
Alright, we are very lucky to have our
next guest here tonight.
We're lucky that the kitchen he works at
gave him the night off.
My buddy, Mr. Tony Orlando.
I know we're here tonight to talk about a
make-believe character who is a lazy slob.
But enough about Larry.
Larry's doing his part for global warming,
though, that's the truth.
His shadow is cooling off nine states.
And Santa, jeez, Santa and Larry on the
same stage.
I can't believe it.
I hope someone reinforced it.
And Mama, I gotta tell you, Mama,
it's so great to see you.
Mama!
Mama!
Mama, can you hear me?
I hear you.
Just follow my voice.
Son of a bitch.
Over there.
Hey, listen, I don't know how old she is,
but last night we all went out to eat,
and she asked for a box, and they measured
her.
I see Mrs. Santa is sitting over there.
I'm not saying she's ugly, but yesterday I
caught her drinking out of a toilet.
Oh, ain't no disrespect,
but if I checked into a hotel
with her, I'd have to put
out the Please Disturb sign.
See you later.
All right.
Thank you, Tony.
That was almost interesting.
Of all the characters up here tonight,
this next one is one of my least favorite.
We tried to get a Playboy
bunny, but unlike her,
this guy works for free
and sleeps with anybody.
Please welcome the Easter Bunny.
Thanks, Larry!
Obviously this year I'm gonna have to hide
your eggs a little better, Larry.
And your bacon, and your sausage,
and your hash browns.
Hey look, hey Santa, Santa, I'm kidding.
You know me better than that.
I would never, ever disrespect you,
fatso!
Seriously, when's the last time you've
seen your chubby chubby?
Hey, if you think that
it's tough looking for
my eggs every year, try
looking for mama's eggs!
Yeah,
you like that, Mrs. Claus, don't you?
You want to play hide the basket?
Because you know what they say about the
Easter Bunny, baby.
Once you hop on, you can't hop off.
I'll see you in April.
Good night.
All right, well, Peter Cottontail called.
He said he thinks you ought to go get
checked.
I'd like to introduce somebody now who
knows Santa Claus better than anybody.
Please give it up for somebody who is just
giving it up for about everybody else.
Mrs. Santa Claus, right here.
Thank
you, Larry the Cable Guy.
Larry the Cable Guy.
The world's best argument against
high-definition television.
I saw your last movie, Larry.
That was a groundbreaking film.
Delta Farce.
That movie sucked out loud.
I've never been so bored in a theater.
I kept hoping they'd turn on the exit sign
so I'd have something to read.
I joke, Larry, but I love Larry the Cable
Guy.
You have that terrific catchphrase,
get her done.
Get her done is to rednecks what no credit
refused is to the three wise men.
Wise men.
Wise men, my ass.
Don't look at the three of you.
You're two wise men short of a lineup.
I'm not going to take that off you.
I joke.
I admire the three wise men.
I saw them ride into town today.
Just one question.
How the hell did you guys hotwire your
camel?
You three guys must be really lonely.
I actually saw them making out with their
camels.
Hey guys, I have some advice for you.
If you want to have sex with a dumb beast,
do it the easy way.
Take mom out for drinks and dinner.
I joke, mama.
You're an icon.
And I admire the way you manage your
career.
18 years between appearances.
Way to leave the audience wanting more.
Don't you laugh at an old joke,
Tony Orlando.
You're older than dirt.
Tony Orlando is so old, his first tour bus
was a stagecoach.
And dude, what was your last hit?
Tie a yellow ribbon?
I've been to your neighborhood,
Tony.
That's not a yellow ribbon, it's police
tape.
But enough about these freaks of nature.
This roast isn't about them.
It's about my husband.
The love of my life, Santy Claus.
Santa Claus may be my husband,
but he's a worthless, lazy douche.
I mean, come on!
The man works one day a year.
I thought Tony Orlando was the only
Hispanic up here tonight.
I joke.
People wonder what kind of sex life Santa
and I have.
Here's the best way I can explain it.
Sex with Santa is kind of like Christmas
morning.
It only happens once a year.
It goes by way too fast.
And when it's over, there's a huge mess to
clean up.
Who am I kidding?
Santa's lousy in the sack.
He's not exactly larger than life,
if you know what I mean.
Put it this way.
When Santa's in the house, the stockings
are the only thing that's hung.
Don't you people judge me?
Yes, I cheat on Santa!
Do you blame me?
Look at him!
I'd rather bang the Travelocity Gnome.
Look at you, Santa, you big tub of crap.
Whoever told you that red is slimming?
I hate that red suit.
When Santa lays on a white sheet,
it looks like the Japanese flag.
In closing, Santa, I would like to thank
you for letting me make fun of you tonight.
You are beloved the world over and revered
as one of the greatest men of all time.
One word of advice, though, to all the
little children of the world.
When Christmas Eve comes this year,
enough with the milk and cookies.
Leave Fatty a salad.
The only healthy thing he's ever eaten is
me.
Thank you.
Wow.
Now here's the moment we've all been
waiting for.
The man of the hour,
the only man that works
less days in a calendar
year than a congressman.
Please welcome Santy Claus.
Well, thank you.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you.
Oh, my darling.
Ah, thank you so much.
You know, I thought I was going to be,
you know, kind of uncomfortable up here.
But I guess all those
years of staring at reindeer
asses prepared me
for looking at this group.
This is actually the first
time I've seen Larry at a long
table that didn't have a guy
slicing meat at the end of it.
Good to see the three wise men here.
How come everything on your Christmas list
has like a seven-day wait on it?
I don't...
Elf, you better remind me to hit Mama's
house first this year.
Looks like this could be her last
Christmas.
And there she is.
The light of my life, just looking at you,
makes my North Pole go South.
Look, I don't want to say
Mrs. Claus is bad in bed,
but last year I left a
lump of coal in her vagina.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, and my dear, so what if I cheat a
little bit, okay?
The tree is not the only thing that gets a
little trim on Christmas Eve, okay?
Yeah, why not?
Because I love my job.
I mean, you know, I don't need it,
really.
I could easily give this up, just go sit
at the end of a bar and drink all day, but.
..
It's just not me, you know?
It's not me.
Good night, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
Good night.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, everybody, stay where you are.
We'll be right back after we change Mama's
diaper.
A boy meets a girl, she gets knocked up
And now his life is through You said at
the reception that you
had contraception You're
nearly 62, how could
that strip turn blue?
Oh, how could, oh, how could that strip
turn blue?
And now, Rudolph revisited in color.
Well, hello there.
I'm Larry, the new guide up here in
Christmastown.
Or as you call it, the North Pole.
If you'd like, I'd be happy to show you
around.
Not much has changed
since Rudolph made his
historic flight on that
foggy Christmas Eve.
Can you spare some change?
Get a job, misfit.
What a wondrous time of year.
Rudolph?
Oh yes, Rudolph still lives here.
In fact, he lives just up over the hill.
Dammit, Clarice!
I said bring me another beer!
What do I gotta do, ask Santa?
Merry Christmas, Rudolph!
Is it hunting season yet?
Shoot me in the face!
Aw, that's just a beer talking.
You're the most famous reindeer of all.
You made history.
Yeah, well, history doesn't pay the
mortgage, Snowball.
Those residuals from the show stopped
coming in years ago.
And Santa cut my Medicaid just when my
damn prostate started glowing.
Here you go, dear.
Dammit, woman, this beer is frozen.
I said keep it out of the snow.
Is your friend staying for dinner?
No, I just stopped by to wish a Merry
Christmas and show our viewers that
Christmastown is just as Christmassy as
ever.
Wait, Snowman!
You wouldn't have a couple of bucks,
would you?
Well, if it isn't Herbie.
When can you fit me in for a cleaning,
Herbie?
Actually, I gave up being a dentist and
became a cosmetic surgeon.
A cosmetic surgeon?
What made you decide to do that?
Herbie, remember you promised to take me
to the chiropractor.
Oh, this is my fiance Bambi.
She was my first patient.
Look at that.
They're almost as pointy as her shoes.
Herbie!
Now!
Well, it looks like you got your hands
full.
I'll leave you four alone.
I know what you're thinking.
Isn't a nudie club a little naughty for
Christmastown?
Well, it's owned by Yukon Cornelius.
You know, he stopped
looking for silver and gold
when he realized there
was more money in pink.
I know.
Let's pay Santa Claus a visit up at the
castle.
Merry Christmas, Santa.
I see you're getting a job start on
Christmas.
You know, I'd love to have you and Mrs.
Claus up to the cabin this weekend.
Is she around?
Oh, no!
I'm afraid Mrs. Claus is in Canada,
visiting her mother.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
Yeah!
A real shame.
So you see, things around here is pretty
much the same.
What's that?
The Abominable Snowman?
No rest for his furry little soul.
He was just poached and turned into
pajamas for Rosie O'Donnell.
Well, I hope you enjoyed the tour.
You know, it's getting a little frosty out
here for me.
I think I'll shoot over to the Yukon Gold
Club.
It's two for one on table dances.
Y'all have yourselves a merry Christmas.
You know, every year thousands
of letters from toddlers across
the country get sent to Santa
Claus up in the North Pole.
And they all end up in the dead letter bin
at the post office.
So I thought I would do
my part as a good citizen
and answer a few with
my little helper here.
My, you look lovely, Santa's little
helper.
Thank you.
Read us our first letter.
Okay.
Dear Santa, is there anything I can do to
get off the naughty list?
Well, Lisa, the naughty list is a lot like
herpes.
You know, once you get tagged with it,
it never really goes away.
And just because you're on the naughty
list doesn't mean you have to tell people.
I mean, for Pete's sake,
just go out and have
fun and let them find
out a couple weeks later.
Mary Crespin.
Dear Santa, I'm 10 years old.
The plasma TV you left was only 50 inches.
What is it with you women?
You always think you want two more inches.
Maybe the TV isn't too small.
It could be the room you're putting it in
is just way too big.
Remember, Susie, it's not the size of the
screen.
It's the quality of your cable installer.
Happy Holidays.
Dear Santa...
Hold on, that's it.
That's my sister.
Oh, damn!
Excuse me.
That's alright.
Dear Santa, I don't want anything for
myself for Christmas.
I want you to give all my toys to needy
children.
Can you do that, please?
John Watts, Hempstead, New York.
Dear John, that's so sweet.
Enjoy spending the rest of your life being
taken advantage of, you big pussy.
Peace on Earth.
Dear Santa, how do you deal with deer
flatulence?
Tommy Thompson, Dearborn, Michigan.
That's a tough one.
It's not the flatulence, Tommy,
that's dangerous.
It's the jingleberries.
That's right.
That's right.
A good-sized jingleberry can put an eye
out.
And that's why every night I always make
sure Mrs. Claus combs out her beard.
Let's hear another letter.
There are no more.
Oh, there's not?
Well, here, let me get you one.
Aw, shit.
All right, go ahead, go ahead.
That's not right.
Dear Santa, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus,
but I've never seen Mommy kissing Daddy.
In fact, they don't even sleep in the same
bedroom.
Can you tell me why?
Beverly Hills, California.
Well, dear Suri, your
parents can never have sex
because your father is
such a raging heterosexual.
Such powerful heterosexuality unleashes
upon mere women would cause her to
explode, so they must
live out their marriage
without their naked
bodies ever touching.
Good tidings.
All right, children, you should know now
to stay in school, practice good hygiene,
and listen to your elders.
Unless, of course, you want to end up like
this guy.
Please welcome Kid Rock!
Well,
it's that time of year again when I sit
down and write my annual Christmas letter.
And boy, what a year it has been.
For a while there, I thought I
might have been Anna Nicole
Thank God my DNA matched
her centerfold, but didn't match hers.
My nephew got in trouble in school this
year for taking Viagra pills, but he
explained to the teachers
that it wasn't a sexual thing, he's
just real skinny and the boner
helps to keep his pants up.
I myself stayed pretty healthy this year,
well, except for St. Patrick's Day.
You ever get so drunk you
come out of the bathroom
with toilet paper stuck
to the side of your face?
I actually thought I
caught a leprechaun, but
it was just a midget
with a Celtics jersey on.
Paris Hilton was in the news a few times.
You know, I've got no
idea how a hotel heiress
gets pulled over for
drinking and driving so much.
You'd think if anybody could get a room,
it'd be somebody named Hilton.
Well, looks like my wife wants fake boobs.
I just wish I had something other than
saline or silicone to fill them with.
I want them to fill her boobs with helium
so that when I squeeze them together and
make love to her, I can make little funny
cartoon voices.
Them politicians sure
got a fever I guess in 15
years we're going to build
us a fence around Mexico.
It's going to cost billions.
But what the hell, it ought to keep the
remaining, what, six Mexicans out of here?
A lot of people made
their dogs sick this
year by feeding them
bad dog food from China.
I guess you feed it to them and an hour
later they're dead.
If you ask me, you shouldn't buy your dog
food from people that eat dogs.
However, I do always keep a few cans around
just in case my mother-in-law gets hungry.
The family's fine.
As you know, Cousin Carl's been studying
acting at the rec center.
Well, guess what?
He finally landed a part on a TV show
called To Catch a Predator on Dateline.
You know, I'd never seen it, but Grandma
said he looked like he had stage fright
because he was white as a ghost and almost
passed out.
My brother's in the hospital.
You know that trick when you take a girl
to movies and you cut a hole in the bottom
of the popcorn bucket and
sit it on your lap and she
reaches in and grabs
something other than popcorn?
Well, that idiot tried it with a bowl of
Wendy's chili.
The good news is, though, now he's dating
a nurse down there at the burn unit.
Well, that's about it.
Until next year, have a merry Christmas
It's time now for the
taking of the traditional
Christmas picture in
front of the Nativity scene.
Excuse me, Larry.
I'm doing a show here.
Hi, my name is Sunshine, and I represent
the Tibetan Outreach Project of Tibet.
And we I really feel that
your exclusion of a Buddhist
representation is just a slap in
the face to Buddhists everywhere.
Well, any Buddhists in here?
How about that fat guy right there with a
diaper?
Come on up.
Get a part of the picnic scene.
Look at this.
Holy Lord, don't eat the sheep.
Alright, can we start now with the
picture?
Larry, excuse me, Larry.
My name is Rabbi Schultz.
And I'm looking at this beautiful
facade that you've got here,
Christmas lights and bells, and
I'm saying, Where are the Jews?
Where are the Jews?
Give me a Jew.
Short, tall... I don't care.
A Jew.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
What?
I got a menorah left over from the Jackie
Mason Christmas special.
Let's bring the menorah out.
Looks like a baked potato with a jet pack.
Now, on the count of three, everybody say
cheese.
One, two... Uh, sorry, Larry.
Yes?
Excuse me.
I represent Mormons are people too.
The Provo chapter.
I would do something.
I would.
I want to make everybody happy.
But I gotta tell you, I don't got a Mormon
costume.
Costume?
Well, I'm Mormon.
I mean...
So you want to be in the scene?
Can I bring my wife?
You know what?
I got room for a couple.
Okay, this is Stephanie, Monica,
Elizabeth, Tanya, Elizabeth 2, and my girl.
Excuse me, Larry.
Hi, my name is Tom and I'm a
Scientologist.
A what?
A Scientologist.
Sit down, everybody.
This might take a while.
I don't even know what a Scientologist is.
Scientology is the most famous religion in
the entire world.
We were founded by a
science fiction writer, and
if that's not enough,
John Travolta is one of us.
You want me to put a
religion based on Star
Wars and Vinnie Barbarino
in the nativity scene?
Let me know when the
mothership lands and the aliens
get here, and then you
get up here, but sit down.
Larry.
Son of a bitch.
Well, come on up.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Unbelievable.
All right, now, enough.
Can we please have... Oh, boy,
here we go again.
I just... I love your stand-up comedy.
Oh, thanks a lot.
How can I help you?
My name is Simon, and I'm from GLAAD.
Oh, boy.
Sorry, Dad.
And, uh, we feel that there is no gay
presence in your nativity scene.
We are prepared to stop at nothing to
rectify the situation.
You know what?
First of all, Gay ain't even a religion,
all right.
And let me tell you something, we do
have a gay member up here, all right?
I'm just not supposed to say who it is.
Let's just say it rhymes with Nosef.
Now, can we please take the photo?
All right, everybody ready?
One, two, three, cheese.
I think the only way to close this thing
out is with a song.
And ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome my
favorite Mary, Miss
Shania Twain, everybody.
What happened to Shania Twain?
Tidings to you and to all of your kin.
Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New
Year.
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
And a Happy New Year!
Alright everybody, let's sing together!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
And a Happy New Year!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy
New Year!
Good night everybody!
Merry Christmas!
Silent night, holy night
I passed out on the
light My bartender
served me too much beer.
I can't move, so I'll just sleep right
here.
Please don't photograph me...
if I should happen to pee.
The show starts in an hour, we got time
for one more.
Rehearsal.
Dearest Lawrence, the cable guy.
It is with great regret that I must tell
you I cannot co-host your Christmas special.
I just couldn't do justice to Winky the
Horniest Elf.
Damn it, Sir Ben Kingsley!
That is so unprofessional.
Where am I gonna find a huge star to work
for cable money?
Wait a minute... I'm in Vegas!
All right, listen up, everybody.
I'm in a pinch.
Ben Kingsley killed himself, and I need a
co-host for my Christmas special.
Hey, Pam Anderson.
You know, I liked you better than that red
bathing suit showed off your floaters.
Ha, ha, ha.
Forget that guy.
He's had more screaming kids on his lap
than Santa Claus.
You gotta be kidding me.
Y'all got a roadie in here?
You know, you'd make a great Matthew
McConaughey.
Oh, how cool is this?
Does anybody have a camera?
I gotta get my picture taken with all the
Osbournes.
Holy crap, that's uncanny.
Manuel Noriega.
Geraldo?
Larry, it's me, Tony Orlando.
Tony, for God's sake, you're impersonating
yourself.
It's Christmas, and I do need some work.
And anyway, aren't you supposed to be back
there with Sir Ben Kingsley?
Ah, that idiot left me hanging.
Tony, come on, you've got to be on the
show with me.
We've been doing it for 40 years.
But they never air them.
I mean, some we filmed in your kitchen.
And without cameras.
Look, minor details.
This is Vegas, baby.
This is a big to-do.
Well, in this town, the women throw their
room keys at me, and that's a free shower,
baby.
I'll let you sing.
On the show?
Yeah, on the show.
A solo without the puppet.
All right, no puppet.
Deal?
Deal.
I'm in.
Let's go.
We got a show today.
Let's do it.
See you later, losers!
It's Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas
Spectacular!
With musical guests Kid Rock!
And appearances by Jim Brewer,
Carrot Top, Flavor Flame, Penn Jillette!
Jamie Kennedy, Lisa
Lampanelli, Vicki Lawrence,
Jeffrey Ross, George
Wallace, George Wendt!
And special guest, Tony Orlando!
And now, ladies and
gentlemen, welcome the jolliest
man himself of the North
Pole, Larry the Cable Guy!
Look at this.
Look at this.
Alright, that's good.
Alright.
Hey.
Welcome to my Christmas Spectacular.
I'm gonna tell you what,
I've been wanting to do this
show since Rosie O'Donnell
was a thin straight boy.
It's great doing a Christmas special in
Las Vegas, Nevada.
Nothing says Oh Holy
Night like 24-hour liquor
stores and immigrants
passing out pornography.
I'll tell you that much.
That's right.
I like my boobs like I like my Christmas
trees.
Narrow at the tip and artificial.
I've got so many good Christmas memories.
Waking up early in my footie
pajamas and running into
my parents' room to wake
them up and them yelling at me.
Larry, you're 44 and you've got your own
house, for God's sake.
And put your pants on.
I thought Santa Claus was kind of creepy
as a kitty.
He sees you when you're sleeping.
We had a guy like that in our neighborhood
and we had him arrested.
As a teenager, my
favorite part of Christmas
was having a train
around the tree every year.
But that ended when that girl finally got
sent to reform school.
That ain't right.
Lord, I apologize, that ain't very
Christmassy.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And our family traditions was great.
Every year we'd wait till
the neighbors would leave
and we'd cut down one
of their backyard trees.
Then we'd decorate it
with lights and police tape to
keep my sister from eating
a string of popcorn off of it.
I really hate when the whole family comes
over.
You know, there's a reason why you only
see some of these folks only once a year.
My brother-in-law has gone green.
If you don't believe me, look at his
teeth.
I got a cousin who's so fat, her elbow has
a camel toe.
Every year, my relatives give me one of
them Hickory Farm gift baskets.
You ever get that?
Why was that ever a tradition?
What does that have to do with Christmas?
Nothing says Happy Birthday, Jesus, like a
two-foot meatlog and some spicy mustard.
I tell you what.
Yeah, you eat one of them gift baskets,
it'll be your last supper, I guarantee you.
And what's with the fruitcake,
that piece of crap?
Good night.
Why is it they can make underwear you can
eat, but not a fruitcake?
I tell you who's hard to buy for,
my brother, he's hard to buy for.
He is so into rough sex, I never know what
to get.
So this year I bought him a blow-up doll
with a patch kit.
That's funny, I don't care who you are
right there.
Now somebody one time gave me a gift card.
Don't you hate them gift cards?
And they always say, you open up,
you're so excited, and it says,
A donation has been made in your name to
the Special Olympics.
I can never believe I get that.
But you know what?
It works out for the evening.
What I do is, I just
invite them kids over to
play poker, and I get
their money back anyway.
Alright?
That's right.
I do.
I love playing poker with them kids.
It's easy.
See, that's when a pair
of threes can beat an ace
high flush, and a banana
can beat four of a kind.
Alright?
I don't get Christmas caroling.
I don't like seeing my neighbors,
much less hearing them sing.
Now unless my neighbor's
Kenny Chesney or Faith Hill, I
doubt your neighbors are
pretty much worth listening to.
You know, it's just kind of weird hearing
your neighbors sing about the baby Jesus
when last week they
just shot each other
arguing over a Chevy
being better than a Ford.
Alright?
The day after Christmas is always a
letdown too.
It's like you have all these
weeks to get excited, and you're
excited, and you're excited,
and there it is, and boom!
It's over with.
Now I know how all my ex-girlfriends felt.
Well, I'm telling you!
Alright, look, enough of this nonsense.
We've got a great show.
Let's bring out a man who's like an
international Elvis.
He's Greek, and he's Puerto Rican,
but don't hold that against him.
He's an entertainment legend, and he is my
buddy.
Say hi to Mr. Tony Orlando.
Merry Christmas, Larry.
Merry Christmas.
No, no, no, no.
That's Feliz Navidad.
Now, I'm amazed.
After all these years doing our Christmas
special, you finally say it right?
Let's just say I don't el-spea-co
el-spa-no very bueno.
Alright.
Tony, you know what this show needs right
now?
It needs a song from Mr. Tony Orlando.
You're kidding.
Nope.
Well, I'll tell you something, this is
going to be my Christmas gift to you, buddy.
I'm going to do this song tied with a
ribbon, just for you.
Alright, let's do it.
This is about the time I go to the
bathroom.
Come on, let's do it.
Hit it, guys.
You ready?
There we go!
Come on!
Let's do it!
What the... Who the hell are you?
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I'm here to tell you that your life is
taking a turn down a dark path.
Okay?
I'm gonna show you the way.
Grab a hold of my jacket.
Let's not get dad-friendly, Casper.
Dadgummit, my dip didn't make it.
Yeah, we're working on that.
Now that's how you get in a nudie bar,
no cover.
Larry, look at the schlub over there.
Hey, that's me!
It's Christmas Eve, and you're in a nudie
bar.
Yeah, what's your point?
Don't you get it?
It's the holiest night
of the year, and you're
out drinking and carousing
with naked women.
I gotta tell you, I ain't following you on
this.
Larry, it's Christmas.
Look how jolly I am.
Well, you should be.
You've been here for 12 days.
Well, I'm a traditionalist.
Where's your goodwill?
I tipped or doubled.
Larry, I have failed to
show you the error of your
ways, but you will be
visited by two more ghosts.
Hey, where you going?
It's two for one.
Where am I?
Hey, who's you?
I am the ghost of Christmas present.
I'm here to show you that
even though you've had
success, you've neglected
people in your life.
Hey, Tony, what are you doing here?
He can't hear you.
He can't hear nothing?
No.
You know, I never did like that Yellow
Ribbon song.
Tony's your friend, and yet...
On in one minute, Mr. Orlando.
Aren't you ashamed?
Yeah, I am.
Can't believe I hired somebody who drinks
that cheap whiskey.
No, you idiot.
It's you who is the disgrace.
Tony's your friend and this is the
dressing room you put him in?
What's wrong with this?
That's a brand new fly strip right there.
I give up.
Larry, you got one more chance this
evening.
You'll be visited by the ghost of
Christmas future.
He will show you your fate if you don't
change your selfish ways.
What'd you say?
Hey, where'd he go?
Man, this is depressing.
Hey, Bonnie, do me a favor.
Send a fruit basket up to Tony Orlando's
room.
Nothing fancy.
Keep it simple.
None of them macadamia nuts.
Banana.
Maybe a couple of Slim Jams.
Let me guess.
You're either a pissed-off monk or the
ghost of Christmas future, right?
Wait a minute.
This is my future?
You can't be serious.
This is all mine.
Sweet.
Got me a barbecue grill, Two-car garage,
one of them fancy UHF TV antennas,
gated community.
All right, what's the catch, Reaper?
You're not getting it, Larry.
What?
This is your home.
This is where you live because your wife
left you.
Oh.
So I didn't kill her?
No!
This is your invisible existence.
You sit around here drinking beer and
watching TV all day.
When can I start this future?
You're alone in the desert, living off a
disability check.
Oh, damn.
Don't tell me I lost my arm getting snacks
out of a vending machine.
You found a loophole.
Damn, this deal keeps getting sweeter and
sweeter.
Stay in the path you've chosen,
okay?
I'm out of here.
Eleven-thirty.
Man, them ghosts done did their job all in
one night.
I hope it's not too late.
Bonnie, cancel Tony Orlando's food basket.
Hey, stay where you are, we got a big show
tonight.
Lots of laughs, good music,
and more Christmas spirit
than you can fit in a fat
woman's underbritches.
Well hey, once again it's that time of
year for the annual office Christmas party.
For such big fancy
holiday to-dos, Even I, Larry
the Cable Guy, gotta
break out the formal wear.
Look at that.
I ain't gained an inch since high school.
It's unbelievable.
Now, there's a few rules
you need to follow in order
to keep from embarrassing
yourself at these parties.
You know, Christmas is a busy time of
year.
But thanks to the company's open bar
policy, you can get in some of that
last-minute shopping you didn't have time
for.
Hey, barkeep.
You know, the boss wanted me to get him
some Jack Daniels.
Oh, and there's a glass to drink it out
of.
What a better place than the Christmas mix
you're down.
Get to know some of the people in the
company that you work with.
And don't forget, the
best way to remember
somebody's name is
to repeat it back to them.
Hey, Merry Christmas, I'm Larry.
Hey, Hal Goldstein.
Goldstein?
Holy crap, they let you into a Christmas
party?
Let me ask you something, what's the
statute of limitations on killing or saving?
I'm just kidding, Winky.
Boy, I sure am glad my God lets me enjoy
these bacon-wrapped mushrooms.
At least my people fast once a year.
Looks like you had the whole Last Supper
yourself.
You're like all twelve disciples stuffed
into one jacket.
This brings up another very important
rule.
Once the topic of religion comes up,
it's best to change the subject.
Hey, ever wish you had one of them uncut
wieners, Goldstein?
What are you talking about?
There's plenty of room by the buffet.
I don't think you understood the question.
Make sure you arrive early enough to get
some one-on-one time with the bosses.
And don't miss this opportunity.
Talk up your co-workers.
Oh, Larry.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Bob.
Thanks for throwing the party.
Sure.
Oh, by the way, Foster.
Don't you think playing with yourself
at the computer to orientalwhore.
com during Casual
Friday is a little too casual?
Believe it or not, the
office party is the one time a
year you actually want to talk
to the women you work with.
If you can pick up on their subtle
conversational cues, you'll be able to
find a woman who's looking for some action
in the supply closet.
God, I'm so horny I'd squat on a cat post.
Oof, nothing there.
I just love this time of year.
Bingo.
I'm totally catching her horny vibe.
But remember, if you hook up, make sure
it's with somebody you know.
See that chick Alan's making out with over
there?
Alan's about to discover the worst kind of
Christmas package.
She's got a pecker!
That hurts.
Hey, remember this.
A good friend tries to
look out for his co-workers
when they've had a
little too much eggnog.
There's signs to look for.
Larry.
Larry.
Oh man.
Hey, where's the bathroom?
It's right over there.
Awesome.
Totally awesome.
You rock!
Good times.
Of course, relieving
yourself in the office ficus
isn't the only sign you've
had way too much to drink.
Hey Larry, you know what we need to do?
We need to fire all the women and all the
minorities.
Gonna miss you, Steve.
Right now, it's about time to find
somebody to go home with.
Hey, I got a warm case of beer out in the
truck.
What do you say we shotgun a few and dry
out the bed liner?
You do realize I'm the CEO's wife,
don't you?
No kidding.
I'm Hal Goldstein.
It worked.
You ready to go, Larry, you sexy beast?
Now there's a girl who got her head
screwed on right.
God bless us all.
Hurry up, you sound bit.
And now, the Christmas Spectacular Roast
of Santa Claus.
Well, as you know, it's always a tradition
on our holiday show to roast a celebrity.
And this year, our special
guest is somebody who
probably is the most
famous celebrity in the world.
Please welcome the fat man himself,
the man with a bag, Santa Claus!
Boy, I tell you what.
Look at this desk we've got up here.
My good friend Tony Orlando is here
tonight.
Make sure you tip him when he brings your
car around tonight.
You know, Tony, it's so good to see you
without your leaf blower.
You know, leave it to
a Puerto Rican to name
his backup singers
after dishwashing liquid.
It's good to see the wise men here.
I know you're all bearing gifts of gold,
but it shouldn't be his teeth.
Oh, by the way, nice necklace.
I forgot, at midnight, y'all turn into
custodians.
Mama is here.
Boy, I loved you on Mama's Family.
That show was... wasn't that good?
That's right.
That's right.
And the fact that you're here just means
that Carol Burnett cancelled.
What I'll say, you're as beautiful today
as you were the day the earth first formed.
And the Easter Bunny is here, I'll tell
you what.
What a tradition the Easter Bunny started.
Every year he gives little children
diabetes.
It's good to see one of Santa's elves
here.
At 5 those outfits are pretty cute,
but at 45 it's kind of creepy.
And I'm glad Mrs. Claus is here.
Look how beautiful she is.
She's the reason the North Pole stays dark
half the year.
But we're here tonight to honor this man.
A man so fat he just heard roast and said,
I'm in.
You know, Santa, I'd
ask for your autograph,
but I don't want you
to overexert yourself.
Santa, a man who plays with toys all day,
wears the same clothes, enters houses
through the chimney, and they call him a
saint.
Most people would call you retarded.
Well, let's get this thing started.
Our first guests have a new show on the
strip here in Las Vegas with legends
Siegfried and Roy, called Three Kings and
Two Queens.
Please welcome the Magi, the Three Wise
Men!
Larry, I know you were dreaming of a white
Christmas, but wake up, redneck.
You know, you know, they just call you
fat.
And it is true that you're fat.
And I bet your mama's fat, too.
Is that true?
They tell me your mama's so fat she got a
real horse on her polo shirt.
Is that true, Santa Claus?
Santa, we appreciate what
you do for all the children
of the world, but personal
hygiene is important.
We've got to talk to somebody about
getting you a paycheck.
You've been wearing that same cheap-ass
suit for decades.
You need some Febreze.
Your suit smells like sleigh sweat, reindeer
afterbirth, and farm-fresh fruitcake.
It's got to stop.
Yeah, yeah, I'm black.
I mean, I'm black.
Yeah, let's do this.
Santa, we're so happy to see you here
tonight.
Is it true that your mama's so fat you
can't even pull her up on the Internet?
Is that true?
And I could have been your daddy, but
your momma done have change for a dollar.
As wise men, we know many languages,
but English puzzles us.
How is it that the word dusty double wide
not only describes Santa's ass,
but Larry's birthplace?
Hey, yo, check this out though,
Santa.
Word up, man.
And the least you could
really do, It's give some of your
reindeers some black names,
you know what I'm saying?
Like On Leroy, On Shaquille, On Flavor.
I like that, I like that.
And On Your Mama, that's what I'm talking
about.
What are you laughing at?
I know you're an ugly mama too.
They tell me your mamas are ugly when
birds fly over.
They fly upside down so they won't have to
s on her.
We actually, need to be honest, we
didn't know this was a Santa Claus roast.
We just heard that a jovial
white man was in the hood with
white trim and a big fat sack,
and we came to offer some help.
Thanks fellas, that was perplexing.
Tell the warden we said hey.
Is our next guest one
of the most beloved
and multi-talented
comedic women of our time?
Yes.
Has this actress had an entertainment
career that has spanned 30 years?
Yes.
Has this woman earned the right to be
called one of America's TV icons?
Yes.
Is she working?
No.
Please welcome, Mama!
Larry, the cable guy.
That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?
He's not good enough for real TV.
Larry's movies are doing really,
really well in the retirement homes.
They are making the old people stop
clinging to life.
All
the three wise men over here, I didn't
recognize them without their squeegees.
I'll tell you what, I'm Nacho Mama.
Anyway, we are here tonight to honor this
poor, pitiful excuse for a man.
Look at yourself.
Look how out of shape you are,
for heaven's sake.
A kid asking Santa for a bicycle is like
an acting coach asking Larry for advice.
And you know, I have
always wondered how Santa
came up with that phrase,
Then I met Mrs. Claus.
Good Lord, talk about a ho, ho,
ho.
I mean, I'm not saying
that she's easy, but
instead of foreplay, she
does have pre-boarding.
Well, I guess I better
get back to the nursing
home, or as Tony
Orlando calls it, a tour stop.
Merry Christmas, you old fart.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Now that that's over with, let's get back
to the comedy portion of the roast.
Our next guest has a big heart and even
bigger ears.
No, it's not Prince Charles, it's Herbie
the Christmas Elf, everybody.
What's happening?
Wow.
Quick announcement before I get started.
Unfortunately, Tony
Orlando won't be singing
tonight because he
lost his voice in 1982.
Folks, not three times if you think he
should retire.
Anyway, Larry the Cable Guy, thanks for
inviting me here tonight.
Let's face it, Larry, you know it's sad when
you're the fattest guy at Santa's Roast.
Larry loves elves, but just the ones who
work for Keebler.
Come on, Larry, you look like you
celebrate 12 days of Christmas,
and then 353 days of Thanksgiving.
This is actually the first time Larry the
Cable Guy is meeting Santa Claus,
because, you know, trailers don't have
chimneys.
Now I realize there's a lot of work being
Santa, right?
It must be really tough, you know?
Those kids can't sit on their own laps,
right?
Ho, ho, ho, tell Santa what you want.
How about a fing day off?
If we worked 20 hours a day, you'd pay us
in fing thumb drops.
Let's face it, you'd treat your elves like
Michael Vick treats his dogs.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Happy Hanukkah!
Happy Kwanzaa!
Don't eat the yellow snow, I love ya!
Thank you for having me.
Alright, we are very lucky to have our
next guest here tonight.
We're lucky that the kitchen he works at
gave him the night off.
My buddy, Mr. Tony Orlando.
I know we're here tonight to talk about a
make-believe character who is a lazy slob.
But enough about Larry.
Larry's doing his part for global warming,
though, that's the truth.
His shadow is cooling off nine states.
And Santa, jeez, Santa and Larry on the
same stage.
I can't believe it.
I hope someone reinforced it.
And Mama, I gotta tell you, Mama,
it's so great to see you.
Mama!
Mama!
Mama, can you hear me?
I hear you.
Just follow my voice.
Son of a bitch.
Over there.
Hey, listen, I don't know how old she is,
but last night we all went out to eat,
and she asked for a box, and they measured
her.
I see Mrs. Santa is sitting over there.
I'm not saying she's ugly, but yesterday I
caught her drinking out of a toilet.
Oh, ain't no disrespect,
but if I checked into a hotel
with her, I'd have to put
out the Please Disturb sign.
See you later.
All right.
Thank you, Tony.
That was almost interesting.
Of all the characters up here tonight,
this next one is one of my least favorite.
We tried to get a Playboy
bunny, but unlike her,
this guy works for free
and sleeps with anybody.
Please welcome the Easter Bunny.
Thanks, Larry!
Obviously this year I'm gonna have to hide
your eggs a little better, Larry.
And your bacon, and your sausage,
and your hash browns.
Hey look, hey Santa, Santa, I'm kidding.
You know me better than that.
I would never, ever disrespect you,
fatso!
Seriously, when's the last time you've
seen your chubby chubby?
Hey, if you think that
it's tough looking for
my eggs every year, try
looking for mama's eggs!
Yeah,
you like that, Mrs. Claus, don't you?
You want to play hide the basket?
Because you know what they say about the
Easter Bunny, baby.
Once you hop on, you can't hop off.
I'll see you in April.
Good night.
All right, well, Peter Cottontail called.
He said he thinks you ought to go get
checked.
I'd like to introduce somebody now who
knows Santa Claus better than anybody.
Please give it up for somebody who is just
giving it up for about everybody else.
Mrs. Santa Claus, right here.
Thank
you, Larry the Cable Guy.
Larry the Cable Guy.
The world's best argument against
high-definition television.
I saw your last movie, Larry.
That was a groundbreaking film.
Delta Farce.
That movie sucked out loud.
I've never been so bored in a theater.
I kept hoping they'd turn on the exit sign
so I'd have something to read.
I joke, Larry, but I love Larry the Cable
Guy.
You have that terrific catchphrase,
get her done.
Get her done is to rednecks what no credit
refused is to the three wise men.
Wise men.
Wise men, my ass.
Don't look at the three of you.
You're two wise men short of a lineup.
I'm not going to take that off you.
I joke.
I admire the three wise men.
I saw them ride into town today.
Just one question.
How the hell did you guys hotwire your
camel?
You three guys must be really lonely.
I actually saw them making out with their
camels.
Hey guys, I have some advice for you.
If you want to have sex with a dumb beast,
do it the easy way.
Take mom out for drinks and dinner.
I joke, mama.
You're an icon.
And I admire the way you manage your
career.
18 years between appearances.
Way to leave the audience wanting more.
Don't you laugh at an old joke,
Tony Orlando.
You're older than dirt.
Tony Orlando is so old, his first tour bus
was a stagecoach.
And dude, what was your last hit?
Tie a yellow ribbon?
I've been to your neighborhood,
Tony.
That's not a yellow ribbon, it's police
tape.
But enough about these freaks of nature.
This roast isn't about them.
It's about my husband.
The love of my life, Santy Claus.
Santa Claus may be my husband,
but he's a worthless, lazy douche.
I mean, come on!
The man works one day a year.
I thought Tony Orlando was the only
Hispanic up here tonight.
I joke.
People wonder what kind of sex life Santa
and I have.
Here's the best way I can explain it.
Sex with Santa is kind of like Christmas
morning.
It only happens once a year.
It goes by way too fast.
And when it's over, there's a huge mess to
clean up.
Who am I kidding?
Santa's lousy in the sack.
He's not exactly larger than life,
if you know what I mean.
Put it this way.
When Santa's in the house, the stockings
are the only thing that's hung.
Don't you people judge me?
Yes, I cheat on Santa!
Do you blame me?
Look at him!
I'd rather bang the Travelocity Gnome.
Look at you, Santa, you big tub of crap.
Whoever told you that red is slimming?
I hate that red suit.
When Santa lays on a white sheet,
it looks like the Japanese flag.
In closing, Santa, I would like to thank
you for letting me make fun of you tonight.
You are beloved the world over and revered
as one of the greatest men of all time.
One word of advice, though, to all the
little children of the world.
When Christmas Eve comes this year,
enough with the milk and cookies.
Leave Fatty a salad.
The only healthy thing he's ever eaten is
me.
Thank you.
Wow.
Now here's the moment we've all been
waiting for.
The man of the hour,
the only man that works
less days in a calendar
year than a congressman.
Please welcome Santy Claus.
Well, thank you.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you.
Oh, my darling.
Ah, thank you so much.
You know, I thought I was going to be,
you know, kind of uncomfortable up here.
But I guess all those
years of staring at reindeer
asses prepared me
for looking at this group.
This is actually the first
time I've seen Larry at a long
table that didn't have a guy
slicing meat at the end of it.
Good to see the three wise men here.
How come everything on your Christmas list
has like a seven-day wait on it?
I don't...
Elf, you better remind me to hit Mama's
house first this year.
Looks like this could be her last
Christmas.
And there she is.
The light of my life, just looking at you,
makes my North Pole go South.
Look, I don't want to say
Mrs. Claus is bad in bed,
but last year I left a
lump of coal in her vagina.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, and my dear, so what if I cheat a
little bit, okay?
The tree is not the only thing that gets a
little trim on Christmas Eve, okay?
Yeah, why not?
Because I love my job.
I mean, you know, I don't need it,
really.
I could easily give this up, just go sit
at the end of a bar and drink all day, but.
..
It's just not me, you know?
It's not me.
Good night, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
Good night.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, everybody, stay where you are.
We'll be right back after we change Mama's
diaper.
A boy meets a girl, she gets knocked up
And now his life is through You said at
the reception that you
had contraception You're
nearly 62, how could
that strip turn blue?
Oh, how could, oh, how could that strip
turn blue?
And now, Rudolph revisited in color.
Well, hello there.
I'm Larry, the new guide up here in
Christmastown.
Or as you call it, the North Pole.
If you'd like, I'd be happy to show you
around.
Not much has changed
since Rudolph made his
historic flight on that
foggy Christmas Eve.
Can you spare some change?
Get a job, misfit.
What a wondrous time of year.
Rudolph?
Oh yes, Rudolph still lives here.
In fact, he lives just up over the hill.
Dammit, Clarice!
I said bring me another beer!
What do I gotta do, ask Santa?
Merry Christmas, Rudolph!
Is it hunting season yet?
Shoot me in the face!
Aw, that's just a beer talking.
You're the most famous reindeer of all.
You made history.
Yeah, well, history doesn't pay the
mortgage, Snowball.
Those residuals from the show stopped
coming in years ago.
And Santa cut my Medicaid just when my
damn prostate started glowing.
Here you go, dear.
Dammit, woman, this beer is frozen.
I said keep it out of the snow.
Is your friend staying for dinner?
No, I just stopped by to wish a Merry
Christmas and show our viewers that
Christmastown is just as Christmassy as
ever.
Wait, Snowman!
You wouldn't have a couple of bucks,
would you?
Well, if it isn't Herbie.
When can you fit me in for a cleaning,
Herbie?
Actually, I gave up being a dentist and
became a cosmetic surgeon.
A cosmetic surgeon?
What made you decide to do that?
Herbie, remember you promised to take me
to the chiropractor.
Oh, this is my fiance Bambi.
She was my first patient.
Look at that.
They're almost as pointy as her shoes.
Herbie!
Now!
Well, it looks like you got your hands
full.
I'll leave you four alone.
I know what you're thinking.
Isn't a nudie club a little naughty for
Christmastown?
Well, it's owned by Yukon Cornelius.
You know, he stopped
looking for silver and gold
when he realized there
was more money in pink.
I know.
Let's pay Santa Claus a visit up at the
castle.
Merry Christmas, Santa.
I see you're getting a job start on
Christmas.
You know, I'd love to have you and Mrs.
Claus up to the cabin this weekend.
Is she around?
Oh, no!
I'm afraid Mrs. Claus is in Canada,
visiting her mother.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
Yeah!
A real shame.
So you see, things around here is pretty
much the same.
What's that?
The Abominable Snowman?
No rest for his furry little soul.
He was just poached and turned into
pajamas for Rosie O'Donnell.
Well, I hope you enjoyed the tour.
You know, it's getting a little frosty out
here for me.
I think I'll shoot over to the Yukon Gold
Club.
It's two for one on table dances.
Y'all have yourselves a merry Christmas.
You know, every year thousands
of letters from toddlers across
the country get sent to Santa
Claus up in the North Pole.
And they all end up in the dead letter bin
at the post office.
So I thought I would do
my part as a good citizen
and answer a few with
my little helper here.
My, you look lovely, Santa's little
helper.
Thank you.
Read us our first letter.
Okay.
Dear Santa, is there anything I can do to
get off the naughty list?
Well, Lisa, the naughty list is a lot like
herpes.
You know, once you get tagged with it,
it never really goes away.
And just because you're on the naughty
list doesn't mean you have to tell people.
I mean, for Pete's sake,
just go out and have
fun and let them find
out a couple weeks later.
Mary Crespin.
Dear Santa, I'm 10 years old.
The plasma TV you left was only 50 inches.
What is it with you women?
You always think you want two more inches.
Maybe the TV isn't too small.
It could be the room you're putting it in
is just way too big.
Remember, Susie, it's not the size of the
screen.
It's the quality of your cable installer.
Happy Holidays.
Dear Santa...
Hold on, that's it.
That's my sister.
Oh, damn!
Excuse me.
That's alright.
Dear Santa, I don't want anything for
myself for Christmas.
I want you to give all my toys to needy
children.
Can you do that, please?
John Watts, Hempstead, New York.
Dear John, that's so sweet.
Enjoy spending the rest of your life being
taken advantage of, you big pussy.
Peace on Earth.
Dear Santa, how do you deal with deer
flatulence?
Tommy Thompson, Dearborn, Michigan.
That's a tough one.
It's not the flatulence, Tommy,
that's dangerous.
It's the jingleberries.
That's right.
That's right.
A good-sized jingleberry can put an eye
out.
And that's why every night I always make
sure Mrs. Claus combs out her beard.
Let's hear another letter.
There are no more.
Oh, there's not?
Well, here, let me get you one.
Aw, shit.
All right, go ahead, go ahead.
That's not right.
Dear Santa, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus,
but I've never seen Mommy kissing Daddy.
In fact, they don't even sleep in the same
bedroom.
Can you tell me why?
Beverly Hills, California.
Well, dear Suri, your
parents can never have sex
because your father is
such a raging heterosexual.
Such powerful heterosexuality unleashes
upon mere women would cause her to
explode, so they must
live out their marriage
without their naked
bodies ever touching.
Good tidings.
All right, children, you should know now
to stay in school, practice good hygiene,
and listen to your elders.
Unless, of course, you want to end up like
this guy.
Please welcome Kid Rock!
Well,
it's that time of year again when I sit
down and write my annual Christmas letter.
And boy, what a year it has been.
For a while there, I thought I
might have been Anna Nicole
Thank God my DNA matched
her centerfold, but didn't match hers.
My nephew got in trouble in school this
year for taking Viagra pills, but he
explained to the teachers
that it wasn't a sexual thing, he's
just real skinny and the boner
helps to keep his pants up.
I myself stayed pretty healthy this year,
well, except for St. Patrick's Day.
You ever get so drunk you
come out of the bathroom
with toilet paper stuck
to the side of your face?
I actually thought I
caught a leprechaun, but
it was just a midget
with a Celtics jersey on.
Paris Hilton was in the news a few times.
You know, I've got no
idea how a hotel heiress
gets pulled over for
drinking and driving so much.
You'd think if anybody could get a room,
it'd be somebody named Hilton.
Well, looks like my wife wants fake boobs.
I just wish I had something other than
saline or silicone to fill them with.
I want them to fill her boobs with helium
so that when I squeeze them together and
make love to her, I can make little funny
cartoon voices.
Them politicians sure
got a fever I guess in 15
years we're going to build
us a fence around Mexico.
It's going to cost billions.
But what the hell, it ought to keep the
remaining, what, six Mexicans out of here?
A lot of people made
their dogs sick this
year by feeding them
bad dog food from China.
I guess you feed it to them and an hour
later they're dead.
If you ask me, you shouldn't buy your dog
food from people that eat dogs.
However, I do always keep a few cans around
just in case my mother-in-law gets hungry.
The family's fine.
As you know, Cousin Carl's been studying
acting at the rec center.
Well, guess what?
He finally landed a part on a TV show
called To Catch a Predator on Dateline.
You know, I'd never seen it, but Grandma
said he looked like he had stage fright
because he was white as a ghost and almost
passed out.
My brother's in the hospital.
You know that trick when you take a girl
to movies and you cut a hole in the bottom
of the popcorn bucket and
sit it on your lap and she
reaches in and grabs
something other than popcorn?
Well, that idiot tried it with a bowl of
Wendy's chili.
The good news is, though, now he's dating
a nurse down there at the burn unit.
Well, that's about it.
Until next year, have a merry Christmas
It's time now for the
taking of the traditional
Christmas picture in
front of the Nativity scene.
Excuse me, Larry.
I'm doing a show here.
Hi, my name is Sunshine, and I represent
the Tibetan Outreach Project of Tibet.
And we I really feel that
your exclusion of a Buddhist
representation is just a slap in
the face to Buddhists everywhere.
Well, any Buddhists in here?
How about that fat guy right there with a
diaper?
Come on up.
Get a part of the picnic scene.
Look at this.
Holy Lord, don't eat the sheep.
Alright, can we start now with the
picture?
Larry, excuse me, Larry.
My name is Rabbi Schultz.
And I'm looking at this beautiful
facade that you've got here,
Christmas lights and bells, and
I'm saying, Where are the Jews?
Where are the Jews?
Give me a Jew.
Short, tall... I don't care.
A Jew.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
What?
I got a menorah left over from the Jackie
Mason Christmas special.
Let's bring the menorah out.
Looks like a baked potato with a jet pack.
Now, on the count of three, everybody say
cheese.
One, two... Uh, sorry, Larry.
Yes?
Excuse me.
I represent Mormons are people too.
The Provo chapter.
I would do something.
I would.
I want to make everybody happy.
But I gotta tell you, I don't got a Mormon
costume.
Costume?
Well, I'm Mormon.
I mean...
So you want to be in the scene?
Can I bring my wife?
You know what?
I got room for a couple.
Okay, this is Stephanie, Monica,
Elizabeth, Tanya, Elizabeth 2, and my girl.
Excuse me, Larry.
Hi, my name is Tom and I'm a
Scientologist.
A what?
A Scientologist.
Sit down, everybody.
This might take a while.
I don't even know what a Scientologist is.
Scientology is the most famous religion in
the entire world.
We were founded by a
science fiction writer, and
if that's not enough,
John Travolta is one of us.
You want me to put a
religion based on Star
Wars and Vinnie Barbarino
in the nativity scene?
Let me know when the
mothership lands and the aliens
get here, and then you
get up here, but sit down.
Larry.
Son of a bitch.
Well, come on up.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Unbelievable.
All right, now, enough.
Can we please have... Oh, boy,
here we go again.
I just... I love your stand-up comedy.
Oh, thanks a lot.
How can I help you?
My name is Simon, and I'm from GLAAD.
Oh, boy.
Sorry, Dad.
And, uh, we feel that there is no gay
presence in your nativity scene.
We are prepared to stop at nothing to
rectify the situation.
You know what?
First of all, Gay ain't even a religion,
all right.
And let me tell you something, we do
have a gay member up here, all right?
I'm just not supposed to say who it is.
Let's just say it rhymes with Nosef.
Now, can we please take the photo?
All right, everybody ready?
One, two, three, cheese.
I think the only way to close this thing
out is with a song.
And ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome my
favorite Mary, Miss
Shania Twain, everybody.
What happened to Shania Twain?
Tidings to you and to all of your kin.
Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New
Year.
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
And a Happy New Year!
Alright everybody, let's sing together!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
And a Happy New Year!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy
New Year!
Good night everybody!
Merry Christmas!
Silent night, holy night
I passed out on the
light My bartender
served me too much beer.
I can't move, so I'll just sleep right
here.
Please don't photograph me...
if I should happen to pee.