Last Dragon, The (1985) Movie Script
How did you know...
...that was the blue one?
- I do not know, Master.
- You do not know?
No.
I humbly apologize
for my ignorance, Master.
I will do anything to prove my worthiness!
You have been to the movies again, I see.
Full of disciples falling to their knees...
...at the slightest hint
of their master's displeasure.
Leroy, this is not a punishment.
It is a celebration!
You have touched the final level.
You knew without knowing!
We have finished our journey together.
But, Master...
...the final level. The glow!
You always said...
That when you reached the final level...
...you would know it by the appearance
of a sublime glow...
...all over your body.
Come, Leroy.
Get up.
What you seek is not written on the floor.
The final level is a return to the beginning.
This is the Last Dragon.
A cycle is complete...
...and now there is
a new emptiness to be filled...
...a new journey
which you must make alone.
I am confused.
Good. Confusion is a part of life,
as are vengeance, fear and love.
All facets must be embraced...
...for then, and only then...
...will you break through
the wall of mystery to the glow.
Master, perhaps with more time to train.
Master, I need more time.
I am no longer your master!
Leroy...
...if it is a master you must have...
...there is an old sage
called Sum Dum Goy.
He is said to be the wisest man
in the universe. Go, find him.
He is here in New York.
Take this. It was Bruce Lee's.
When you find the master
who will take you to the final level...
...give it to him.
Go now, my son, on your journey.
Go.
Joints and bags! Joints and bags!
Put his butt on the chuck wagon
and send his ass to the dogs, man!
- Shuffle on him, Bruce!
- Sting him!
That's that, man,
and there ain't no comin' back!
- Am I the meanest?
- Sho'nuff!
- Am I the prettiest?
- Sho'nuff!
Am I the baddest mo-fo
lowdown around this town?
Sho'nuff!
- Well, who am I?
- Sho'nuff!
- Who am I?
- Sho'nuff!
I can't hear you!
Sho'nuff!
The Shogun of Harlem!
Crunch, seats.
This is Sho's row. Move it.
I said beat it!
I know who can beat you!
- Who said that? Beast, find who said that!
- I got him, Sho. I got him.
I got him, Sho.
Here you go, Sho.
Here's the roach that said it!
Who's badder than the Shogun?
Bruce Leroy, that's who!
Bruce Leroy?
Bruce Leroy?
That's the only guy that stands
between Sho and total supremacy.
Well, well, well.
If it ain't the mysterious...
...the illusive Leroy Green.
I've been waitin' a long time for this, Leroy.
I am sick of hearing
these bullshit superman stories...
...about the "wahsa" legendary...
...Bruce Leroy catchin' bullets
with his teeth.
Catches bullets with his teeth?
Nigger, please!
The secret awaits eyes
unclouded by ambition.
What?
Those who are bound by desire see only
that which can be held in their hands.
See, now it is mumbo-jumbo like that...
...and skinny lizards like you,
thinkin' they're the Last Dragon...
...that gives kung fu a bad name.
Get up, Leroy. I got something real
for your ass in these hands.
We gonna settle this once and for all
'cause I am back.
The Shogun is back on the scene
and the Shogun is the master.
Why don't you sit down and shut up?
What? Why don't I sit down and what?
I said, "Why don't you sit down
and shut up?"
Why don't anybody who wants me
to sit down and shut up...
...come down here and make me?
Why don't any fifty of you
who want me to sit down and shut up...
...come down here just for the fun of it?
Yeah, come on, fool! This fool's mine!
Jack him up, baby!
Don't hurt that face, baby!
Yeah!
Leroy, I'm going...
You'll never use this foot again!
Leroy!
I'm gonna get you Leroy...
...because I am the Shogun!
I will not rest until everybody knows...
...Shogun is the master!
You wimp!
Still hungry, are we?
I've got a surprise. Dessert!
Live from Seventh Heaven,
it's Laura's Video Hotpix...
...brought to you by Coca-Cola.
Coke is it.
Soon that's going to be you, Angie...
...dancing around on that screen,
ain't that right?
Hey, Angie, baby...
...soon that's going to be you up there,
right?
Yeah!
That's my girl!
Baby's going to be a star!
If you'd have put this energy
into gettin' me a title fight...
...maybe I'd have been
on my way to Vegas now.
You lost, Rock, you lost!
Every fight I got you.
"The Great White Hopeless"
they called you. Remember?
What do you think
they're going to call her?
A goddess is what they're going to call her.
A goddess!
What she'll do to people
has never been done before.
- Make 'em run for cover?
- That's cute.
And now, for my video hotpick
of the week, and it is hot...
...I say we rock on with DeBarge.
Rhythm of the Night.
"When it feels like
the world is on your shoulders
"And all of the madness
has got you going crazy
"It's time to get out
step out into the streets
"Where all of the action
is right there at your feet, well
"I know a place where we can
dance the whole night away
"Underneath the electric stars
"Just come with me
and we can shake the blues
"Right away
You'll be doing fine once the music starts
"Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night
"Dance until the morning light"
I don't know why you're
going through this.
Give me five minutes, Eddie...
...and this chick'll be begging
to play this thing.
You got no class, Rock.
I know how to handle
these show biz types.
You gotta wine 'em, dine 'em,
you let 'em order la carte.
After all, me and this lady,
we got a lot in common.
She's the video-rock queen, but I,
Eddie Arkadian, am the video-game king!
She's got the audience but I got the vision.
That's a match made in heaven.
I thought I told you to get rid of that thing.
You also told me,
"Keep it, it comes in handy." Remember?
Yeah, I remember!
Damn, that thing gives me the creeps.
"Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night
"Dance until the morning light
"Forget about the worries on your mind
"You can leave them all behind
Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night
"Dance until the morning light
Forget about the worries on your mind
"Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night
"Forget about the worries on your mind
"Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night
"Forget about the worries on your mind
"The music's playin'
It's a celebration
"The music's playin'
Everybody dance
"To the beat of the rhythm of the night
"Forget about the worries on your mind
You can leave them all behind
"Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night"
All we're talking about... We're just
talking about one dinner out of your life.
Come on, at least have dinner with him.
J.J., I would love to help you out...
...but the fact is my show is booked solid
for the next four weeks.
So you're just going to have to wait.
- Honey...
- Please, we've got a show to do.
Will you at least look at the videotape?
- J.J., there is no point.
- Laura, there is a point.
The point of the knife which is at my neck.
He'll slit my throat if you don't do this.
Come on, Laura!
What are you talking about?
You in some trouble?
- Who's going to slit your throat?
- Sit down, we've got a show!
Laura, this guy plays rough.
Thirty seconds, Laura.
What guy? Okay. Tell me, J.J., who?
- Eddie Arkadian.
- Who is Eddie Arkadian?
Eddie Arkadian is a heavy dude
who wants to have this videotape...
...played in the worst way.
Come on, Laura!
Fifteen seconds, Laura.
Come on. Let's go!
Come here. Great.
Why don't you just call a cop, okay?
My life is not filled with all that craziness.
Five seconds!
Tell that Eddie Ark,
or whatever his name is, to forget it!
- Arkadian. Laura!
- One! You're on!
"I found a place, finally find a place
for you and me to go
"If you want to get in
Step up in the elevator
"Press number seven
That's all you got to do
"To get to Seventh Heaven
"I can't believe what you're gonna see
"Once you get inside
I know you'll love my ride
"You can fool around in my room
"And enjoy my golden ride, keep it up
"Up and around I'll never let you down
"Going up, I'll keep it up
and around will I ever
"Never say never
"At Heaven's elevator door
"Because once you dare
"You can't get it up anymore"
Thank you, everybody,
and welcome to Seventh Heaven.
I'm glad you made it. I'm glad I made it.
Today my special guests,
the tastemakers...
...from the now generation,
with my Cloud Crowd.
J.J., my main man! What's happening?
What?
Nobody turns down
an Eddie Arkadian invitation.
Nobody.
So come on down and join us
because the winner...
...will get a Seventh Heavenly
evening out on the town with me.
What do you think about that?
How about a kiss?
Who said that?
- I did!
- No, I said it!
Well, you never know.
But here's one for now.
Got it!
"You found my place
"You finally found my place
Yes, love's inside my lords
"Dancin' all the time
Hop off the elevator
"Hell with incinerators
Heaven never burned
"An angel on a fire
"He never burned an angel on a fire
He was full of desire
"Oh, no, we don't burn angels on the fire"
That's my babe!
- What are you talkin' about?
- That's my woman up there.
- Laura?
- She don't know it yet, but she's mine.
Yeah!
- Laura, sign here!
- I love you, Laura!
We love you, Laura!
How you doin' tonight, Sal?
You just sit back and relax. Sal got sick.
What are you doing?
The right thing, Ms. Charles,
which is what...
...you're gonna do if you got half a brain.
- Help! Somebody help me!
- Put her in the car!
Come on, get her in here.
- Help me, somebody!
- Get in the car, bitch!
I would not do that if I were you.
You little punk!
What are you, crazy?
Huh, tough guy? Come on!
Your mother!
Come on!
Come on! Come here!
Are you all right, miss?
Yeah. I don't know. I guess so.
What about you? Are you okay?
They did not harm me.
Wow!
Your things.
That's okay, I can get them.
It seems that everything is safe now.
Yeah.
You sure you are all right?
Yeah, really.
Just a little shaken up, I think.
God, what was that all about?
I don't believe it.
You were really something, boy.
I just don't know how to thank you.
Did you see where that guy went?
Yeah, he's right...
I don't know. You getting in or what?
Come on, honey, let's go.
Where is that deejay lady anyway?
I mean, what's the big deal?
- Can't she just meet us there?
- Angela, sweetheart, shut up!
- But, Eddie, I'm hungry. I want to go!
- I said shut up!
Gee, don't cry.
Listen, Laura what's-her-face
is gonna be here any second.
We don't want our star to look like
a little pig peed in her eyes now, do we?
Then knock it off!
Don't bug me! Fix your face!
Shut up!
As soon as the chick gets here,
we leave, okay? Okay.
- Now, boss.
- Boss!
Boss, don't get mad
because it wasn't our fault, all right?
- There was nothing we could do.
- There were bodyguards.
There must have been 20 or 30 of them!
- These big...
- Black guys!
Yeah, black guys.
- Yeah, with chains!
- Chains, clubs, they had everything.
They had pipes, bats, they had everything!
All right, all right!
So the broad wants to play tough, huh?
All right.
Two of us can play that game.
Hey, Rock! Come here.
I got a little job for you.
The tank?
Bring her back in one piece, will you?
Chinese GoJu is my secret, I bear no arms.
May God help me
if I ever have to use my art.
Conscience is our guide.
Peace is our shelter.
Beauty and perfection is our life.
See the courtesy.
Kis-Kay! Break!
Johnny, what are you doing?
Well, you see, Leroy,
you know how you're always teaching us...
...to master the art of fighting
without fighting?
Well, I did you one better.
I mastered the art of fighting
without knowing how to fight.
You see, people...
People are afraid of Oriental dudes.
Give them a little move, a little scream,
and lots of attitude.
Check this out.
Johnny, to seek safety
one must go to the heart of danger.
The sign outside says this here school
is for instructions in the martial arts.
- We thought we might get some lessons.
- Yeah, where do we sign up?
- How many yen?
- I'd like to learn some kung fu.
- Come on, hot stuff!
- Come on, Leroy.
Teach me something.
I do not wish to fight you.
Well, who do you "wish" to fight then?
One of them?
Or one of the ladies, maybe?
Yeah, since you're too much
of a sissy to fight me...
...maybe they're more your speed.
Get him, girls.
Maybe you can get a rise
out of this limp wimp!
- You wanna wrestle?
- Hey, little girl.
All you've got is this bod and that's it.
I would love to peel this banana.
Come on, handsome, show us your stuff!
How about a little kiss on my fist?
He's too much of a gentleman to hit a lady.
You look scared to me!
Yeah! Come on, Leroy!
- Yeah, that's right! Bow, sucker!
- Yeah!
Bow down to your master!
Yeah, coolie, kiss my Converse!
- So sorry. Excuse, please.
- Bow!
Bow!
Enough!
You want to fight?
You fight me, you big ugly,
smelly-breathed sucker!
How about you, string bean,
Rick-James-lookin' fool?
Beast, kill him!
Get him, Beast!
Bow down or I'm gonna snap
this clown in two!
Yeah, that's right, fool!
Kiss 'em!
Down!
Beast, let him go.
You may not wish to fight me now, sucker!
But you will! I'm gonna see to that!
Sayonara.
- Who's the master?
- Sho'nuff!
- Who's the master?
- Sho'nuff!
The Shogun of Harlem!
Yeah!
Sometimes it is hard
to live the way of the wise.
Hey, Reloy!
Your papa-san,
he wants you in the kitchen, man!
Good morning, Green Sanitarium,
Warden speaking...
...and I must say our inmates
are off to a promising start this morning.
Who's calling? Roy!
I can't come now.
I'm being held captive till the coolie,
moonie kid comes down from the roof.
He's becoming one with his brain again.
Yeah.
All right, I'll catch you later
at the rehearsal.
Hey, let me get this straight.
The prize in this contest,
you hope to win, is a date?
"Am" gonna win.
And it ain't no thing
and the prize ain't no date.
- A night with Laura Charles is an event.
- Excuse me.
Mama-san, Papa-san...
...Richie-san, Lotus Blossom-san.
Now isn't that nice, Sophia?
Pretty chopsticks, Natasha.
Thank you.
I wish you all would decide on one name
for this poor child.
No wonder she's so confused.
Bless this food.
It is to build thy body temple.
Spiritualize it.
I'm telling you, Pop, the boy is off it.
Stupid old clothes,
won't mess with no babes.
People talk, you know.
Richard, leave your brother alone.
I can't help it if he's weird.
You're weird, man, really weird.
Richie, when I first started my business,
people said I was weird.
A black man with a pizza shop.
Now there isn't a hungry soul in this town
that doesn't know my slogan:
"Just direct-a-yo feets-a to Daddy Green's...
"Pizza."
Watch yourself, son.
My personal choices
for the video hotpix of the week...
That's my babe, Pop!
That's my date for tonight!
Because it's alive and very, very exciting.
- That is her!
- You telling me?
You better believe that's her!
That's Laura Charles!
So you remember now,
every weekday night at 8:00.
Laura Charles!
- I would like to see her!
- Well, who wouldn't, fool?
"I would like to see her."
No way the Queen is gonna be looking at
no walkin' fortune cookie!
"I would like to see her."
- Well, I'll see her today, at rehearsal.
- You know where she is?
- I know where she's gonna be.
- You must take me to see her!
I ain't taking you nowhere!
You might embarrass me.
You're too weird.
You do not understand.
She may have something I need.
I knew it would happen sooner or later.
You stood on your head so long,
you broke it.
Look, let me break it down for you.
You seem to be wanting to broaden,
get it, your horizons.
You let a lot of good years roll by
without even testing the old equipment.
Now, even you being a disgrace and all,
I'd be less than a man if I didn't warn you...
...that there's an art to making love
and you don't even have a paintbrush.
You gotta know the moves, baby.
You know, the moves.
Richie, I am not concerned with moves.
My concern is something else.
Else? What else is there?
Please, I must see her.
I don't see why I'm getting so upset.
Go on, go after a goddess if you want to,
but let me tell you something.
The worst thing that can happen to you
is that she says "yes."
'Cause ain't no woman like that
going to hold still while you figure it out.
Not only do you not know
when to do something...
...you wouldn't know where to put it
if you did!
And, Leroy...
...it can really hurt if you don't know
what you're doing.
Richie, I must go to this dance contest!
I ain't taking you nowhere and that's final!
Please!
Kiss my hand.
Richie, please.
Maybe I'll take you...
...if you carry me all the way
on your back and rap.
- Rap? Me?
- Yeah!
"Smell like"
I think I have it.
"Smell like"
I think I have it.
"What it is, what it look like, do it
"Yeah, baby
"Do it, do it. What it, what it be like"
Okay! That's it! That's it!
That is it, stop!
Stop right here.
It's just pitiful.
- Well, give me one more chance!
- No. It is pitiful.
Put me down.
Put me down!
It's pitiful.
Richie, where are you going?
Are you not going to buy tickets?
Of course, I'm gonna buy a ticket!
I never buy tickets,
you shrimp-fried-rice head, you.
Man, if anyone asks you,
you ain't my brother, okay?
What?
You ain't my brother, that's all!
Now, come on!
Come on, move it!
See man, messing around with you,
now my boys don't even know I'm here.
You're not trying to enter
without paying, are you?
Chill out, chopsticks. Let me handle this.
There must be another door.
I'll be back.
Just stay right here and don't move.
- And if anyone asks, remember...
- I know, I ain't your brother.
Why wasn't this sound check done sooner?
I don't know. I only do what I'm told.
You know, we try for perfection.
Help!
Help!
"I found a picture
"I found a picture
"Inside your suitcase
"I don't know what it means
"I didn't recognize her face
"Mail order catalogues
"Underneath your mattress
"Polaroids do suggest
"She is not an actress
"Why is this friendly group
all jumping through a hoop?
- "Dirty books
- I found 'em, I found 'em
"Now that I have seen it all
"You want me to participate
"You dress me up in peek-a-boos
"Body oil and roller skates
- "Dirty books
- I found 'em, I found 'em
"And to think I found them in your suitcase
"I found 'em, I found 'em"
Don't you love it?
Look, doll, did I do you a favor
or did I do you a favor?
So you're going to play my video?
No!
Maybe you didn't hear it right...
...so I'm going to ask you one more time.
Are you going to put my video
on your show or aren't you?
I'm going to tell you one more time.
The answer is "no."
It's not that I don't like it.
- It's just that it's not the right...
- Right!
Right time of the night to look at it.
That's what she was going to say,
wasn't it, honey?
Eddie, she's just tired.
Tired?
She's going to be dead tired
if she's not careful.
Okay, I tried to be a gentleman about this!
I was going to take you out
to a fancy restaurant.
Let you order la carte!
All I wanted you to do was to put my video
on your show, and now you say "no."
Okay, that's it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
Rock, let's go.
Eddie, you're not gonna do
what I think you are?
Who's going to stop me?
Who is this guy? We didn't order out.
Get him the hell out of here!
Get him outta here now!
Who is this guy? Get in there!
Break his face, will you?
What are you guys waiting for? Get going!
Are you on vacation? Move it!
Get in there!
Get going!
I'm sorry, Miss...
Angela. Angela Viracco.
Bums!
I do not think Miss Charles
enjoys your company.
It would be best that you leave her alone!
I don't know who you are, pal,
but you're in a lot of trouble!
Hothead needs cool water.
No, no, no!
No, not the tank!
No!
Eddie!
Come, you will be safe now.
- Eddie, are you all right?
- Get away from me, you dumb broad!
But Eddie, you're all wet!
Honey!
Look at this, it's all wet. You're all wet.
Rock, get this damn thing out of here.
That son of a bitch is history.
God, I can't believe this!
This is enough to drive you crazy.
You do this kind of thing everyday?
You are too much!
Who are you?
I am Leroy.
Leroy Green.
It's nice to meet you.
I need a drink.
Why don't you come inside?
Miss Charles, there is something
you may be able to help me with.
You can call me Laura.
Laura, the other night
I lost a medallion and...
That thing that looks like a belt buckle?
Belt buckle?
Is it gold?
You have it?
Yeah, I got it.
Why don't you sit down?
I'll go get it for you.
That is wonderful!
Just promise that you won't vanish...
...as soon as I give it back to you.
This is so you'll never lose it again.
I am deeply in your debt.
It is very valuable to me.
I know what it's like
to lose precious things...
...and then, of course, to find them again.
You thirsty?
From the clock's chime to the cock's crow
is but an instant.
I must go.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Cock's crow?
"Suki yaki hot saki Sue
"Suki yaki hot saki Sue
"You saki to me, I saki to you
"Suki yaki hot saki Sue
You saki to me, I saki to you
"Hot like saki wine
Here she stands
"Smooth and fine, looking good
"And she knows what she's after
"Watch out for that hook!
"She baits the line
and starts to move in closer
"He takes a step away
"Watch the hook
She's never missed her target
"Now she can say
"With your bad self, I saki to you!
"And I can say, good times
"You saki to me, I saki to you
"Suki yaki hot saki Sue"
All right!
What you lookin' for?
What you lookin' for?
I am looking for the Master.
Ain't no masters here, dude.
Ain't no slaves either!
Is this not his fortune cookie factory?
The Master, he doin' his wisdom thing.
I seek only wisdom of the Master.
You want wisdom, you buy fortune cookie.
- Take a hike, cool breeze.
- Yeah, baby.
Please, I must see the Master.
- It is very important to me.
- Look here, chump.
The Master don't see nobody,
especially no jive coolies!
Yeah, he don't see no one
who don't know how to get down, baby!
- You dig, bro? You too square, man!
- Square, dude!
Let me say it so he can understand it, Jim.
You go now! Chop-chop!
Haulee ass outta this place!
Am I sayin' it right, my man?
Like, hasta la pasta, you know?
- Buenas noches.
- Auf Wiedersehen, baby.
- Hasta lumbago!
- Sayonara!
- Catch you on the flip-flop!
- Sayonara!
I was told I could find Leroy Green here.
I was told I could find Leroy Green here.
I'm Leroy Green.
Who are you?
Who am I?
Sho'nuff!
I am the Shogun of Harlem...
...and the Leroy Green I'm lookin' for...
...is a little punk that thinks
he's a kung fu master.
You mean Junior?
Yeah.
"Junior."
Where is he?
Don't know.
I'm not sure I'd tell you if I did!
- Not sure you'd tell me if you did?
- Wait a minute!
- Leave him alone!
- Please, Momma, wait a minute!
Wait a minute, please. I'll take care of it.
Well, how about I leave him
a little message, then?
Tell him when I found out he wasn't here...
...I was all broken up!
My God, my table! What are you doing?
Crunch, Beast, Cyclone!
- Do it!
- With pleasure.
- No!
- Call the police fast!
- Please, don't do that!
- You stop it!
Please, come on!
Stop!
No, don't break the table!
I'm gonna kill you, fool!
Take it easy, honey!
What, are you crazy? He's the Beast!
- She only hit you with dough!
- You gonna die!
All right, enough is enough!
You all better chill out.
- Richie, you stay out of this!
- You better chill out, man!
I said chill out!
All right, take it easy!
Who plays this garbage?
Shut up, bitch!
That's not even mine!
I don't own that!
Tell that chicken-hearted son of yours
to name the place.
'Cause now he's got to fight me.
Yeah.
Can I kick?
Come on. I got you.
Look at him!
Oh, boy. Sit down.
You all right, Rich?
You all right now? Look at this!
What happened?
Sho'nuff happened, that's what!
It's all 'cause of you!
Everyone knows you're scared of him.
You kissed his shoes and everything.
What good is that kung fu jive
if you can't even use it?
Coward!
Why don't you go someplace
and meditate on that?
Coward!
Chinese GoJu is my secret!
May God help me
if I ever have to use my art!
Love is our law!
Truth is our worship!
Form is our manifestation!
Conscience is our guide!
Peace is our shelter.
Peace is my shelter.
Peace is...
Hello?
Hey!
I don't mean to bother you but...
...maybe I should just come back
another time, huh?
Listen, if this is a bad time,
you know, I can just...
You know, the strangest things
keep happening to me.
I mean, I seem to be attracting
the craziest people.
So, I thought that maybe
it would be a great idea...
...if I got myself a bodyguard, you know?
Like, someone to guard my body.
Anyway, you seem to be the best qualified.
I mean...
...a girl could do worse
than to have her own...
...real, live kung fu master.
I am no master.
You sure look like a master to me.
How about it?
How about what?
Bodyguard.
- Hello?
- Bodyguard?
I want you to be my bodyguard.
Have you listened to a thing I've said?
There is much I must do.
I am sorry. I cannot.
Leroy!
Excuse me!
- That's okay.
- Say...
...you're Laura Charles!
Forget it. I will go. Don't...
- That's okay.
- I don't want to bother you.
It's okay, I was just leaving.
Leaving?
Please, just give it some thought, okay?
Wow! Laura Charles!
Just let me know if you change your mind.
I said I cannot help you.
He can't help you?
Of course he can help you!
Look at that, he's just hot!
He's sick. The boy's...
All that yoga.
Hi, my name is Johnny Yu.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Hi, Johnny, it's nice to meet you.
She said it was nice to meet me!
Laura Charles said it was nice to meet me!
She said it was nice!
She...
Yeah.
This is your rsum?
I like the cropping on that picture.
You did "the incinerator murder"?
Yeah, I trashed the little lady.
Double?
Why do you think you should get double...
...what everybody else is getting, huh?
Beautiful!
Save it!
Give that man anything he wants!
Give him a bone.
Make sure you take out for the table, huh?
"You look at me like a new pickup
"You tell the barman, 'Fill her up'
"You try to steer me out the door
"But I know what you're cruising for
"You want a test drive
"You want a free ride down
"Lovers' Lane tonight"
All right, that's enough!
- Looks terrific, sweetheart.
- Yeah?
Just needs a couple more steps, okay?
And you girls looked great, too.
Listen, why don't you take a break
and get outta those clothes?
Here are some quarters.
Go have a good time. I'll talk to you, girls.
- Go, go!
- 'Bye, girls!
- 'Bye, baby.
- Ciao, Angie, baby.
- 'Bye, baby.
- Ciao, Angie, baby.
You know, to tell you the truth,
Eddie, I'm really getting tired of all this.
I mean that deejay lady,
she's never gonna play our stuff, anyway.
She'll see the light...
...as soon as I get that Leroy character
out of the way.
What do you mean "out of the way"?
Sweetheart, you should see the talent
I got lined up out there.
If this deejay broad don't wise up,
she's gonna be dessert.
It's all for you, sweetheart.
All to make you a star.
Now what do you think of your lover-boy?
All for me?
All for you, sweetheart.
Well, I mean, if it's really all for me...
I don't want you to kill anybody.
Are you out of your mind?
Nobody does what he did to me and lives!
Nobody!
You know what I've been thinking, Eddie?
I've been thinking that maybe you're trying
to use me to get what you want.
I mean, just like you tried to use Rock.
Yeah, you were gonna make him
this big heavyweight champion.
Sure, until he lost a fight.
All this glamour and stardom...
...it's all for you, isn't it, Eddie?
You know, Angie...
...a lot of girls out there
would like to trade places with you.
If you're unhappy with all of this...
...why don't you just walk out?
Go have a nice, normal, boring life.
To tell you the truth, Eddie,
it couldn't be anymore boring...
...than hanging around
with this gook in my hair...
...while you guys go play cops and robbers.
Where are you gonna go, Angie?
Without me, you're nothing!
Without that outfit, you're just another
no-talent, dental school dropout...
...from Kew Gardens gettin' by on her tits!
In the end, Eddie, you know what?
You're nothing but a misguided,
midget asshole...
...with dreams of ruling the world!
Yeah, also from Kew Gardens.
And also getting by on my tits.
Where do you think you're going?
To elocution class!
What for?
Did you see that?
Sho'nuff is the master!
- Number one!
- Can I pick 'em or what?
Shut up!
- Am I the meanest?
- Sho'nuff!
- Am I the prettiest?
- Sho'nuff!
Am I the baddest mo-fo
lowdown around this town?
Sho'nuff!
I can't hear you!
Sho'nuff!
Yeah!
Keep your money.
You just get that sucker
to the designated place...
...at the designated time...
...and I will gladly designate his ass...
...for dismemberment!
Yeah! Hey! Well, whatever!
Anyway you want to do it.
It'll certainly be my pleasure, Mr. Nuff.
Put it away. Come on.
- Looking for me?
- Yes.
I mean...
I thought I wasn't exactly
on your favorite persons' list.
That is why I came by,
to apologize for the way I spoke.
I did not mean it towards you.
Great.
Then you'll be my bodyguard?
I'd love to, but I must complete
a mission first.
A mission?
You see, I am in search of the final level
where the spirit takes over...
...from the mind
and guides the body without thought.
Okay. Listen, you stay right here, okay?
Don't move. I'll be back in five minutes.
Don't disappear, okay? I'll be right back.
A great fighter, for instance...
...might be able to get just his hands
to fill with such power...
...that they would get the glow, which
could be deadly if it fell into evil hands.
Yet, if these hands belonged to a master...
Like Bruce Lee.
Yes, exactly!
Someone who has reached the final level
and could make his whole body glow...
...the beauty he would be able to create
would be without bounds.
Imagine the wonder someone like this
can bring to the world!
That's a beautiful dream, Leroy.
Now I know you're gonna love
what I've got to show you at the studio.
What's wrong?
Calling Leroy.
I am sorry, but it's just...
What? Tell me. Come on.
You see, I have this friend.
- Yeah?
- He is very shy.
He came to me for advice. And I...
...well...
It is something I thought
you can help me with, him with.
Okay, I'll try.
Tell me about it. What is it?
Moves.
Moves?
You see...
...my friend, he has never been...
He likes this girl.
- Yeah?
- He has never been with a woman before.
He does not even have a paintbrush.
Paintbrush?
He cannot even draw.
- Draw? What are you talking about?
- You know.
The art of making love.
- Moves.
- Of course.
- I would love to show you some moves.
- No!
It's not for me. I said it was for my friend.
He is the one.
Okay, anything you say.
Is it not kind of hot in here, Miss Charles?
I'm telling you, I don't need a contest...
...to win this date 'cause I got juice!
Why don't you just give up?
Your delusions of grandeur about love
with her is nothin' but a wet dream.
Don't be no fool, Jack.
The Baron Von Rick's got
a more direct route to the target.
Watch out the target
don't shoot you down.
- Why don't you write her a letter?
- Or make an obscene phone call?
'Cause that's as close as you're gonna get.
You two play a game if you want to.
I'm gonna sit right here
and wait for her to show up.
And the rap I'm gonna lay on her...
...is gonna make Romeo seem tongue-tied.
Make her melt like hot butter
all over my body!
Go, Rick!
And this time ain't nothin' gonna stand
between me and my destiny...
...with the sweet lips of Lady Laura!
Wow! This place is great!
Fists of Fury!
That's it, man. Enough is enough.
- I'm gonna go.
- Wait a minute!
Something's going on in here.
You think it's her?
There's only one way to find out.
Come on!
What? Where are we going?
Shit!
- Forget it, man.
- Wait up, man!
This is great!
Man, I ought to slap that sucker silly
with a suit for alienation of affections!
If it wasn't for me,
he wouldn't even know where she was!
Chocolate-covered yellow peril!
Chill out, man!
Wait for me, will you?
Come on, man, wait for me!
That sucker better start sleeping
with his inscrutable eyes open...
...'cause there's gonna be a serious case
of chopsockie justice coming his way!
Maybe you just don't understand him.
I mean, if the lady likes him,
he must be doing something right.
Leroy? He wouldn't even know
what to do with that!
Looked like he was doing all right to me.
What's that?
Chinese Connection.
He has disguised himself in order to...
...get into the villains' lair!
Why did I not think of that before?
I must go.
Thanks a lot, Bruce!
- Where are you going?
- Back to claim what's mine!
Leroy?
Ran out on you, huh?
Don't cover up for that Ping-Pong playing...
...chow mein for brains, kung fu head!
What are you doing up there?
You come down here
before you hurt yourself!
Now!
I don't understand what you see in him!
Leroy?
We meet again, Miss Charles.
Let me go!
Get your hands off my woman!
I said get your hands off my woman!
Let me go, you big baboon!
All right!
Little Joe, man! You pay up, bro!
This is craps, man! You pay me!
You blind, man?
This book says "Little Joe"!
- You pay up, blood!
- You can't even read the book, blood!
Hey, my man.
What it look like?
Hey, my man, what it look like?
Hey, my man, what it look like?
Hey, my man.
- What it look like?
- What you want?
I am the soul brother like no other...
...to deliver this pizza with bean sprouts.
Pizza with bean sprouts?
Well, yeah, we make anything, dig?
"Just direct-a-yo feets-a
to Daddy Green's pizza."
Now if you bloods would show me
where I can find the Master...
You sure the Master ordered this pizza?
The man himself.
You're going to release his beast
if it gets cold out here.
I don't know what you're up to,
but I'm gonna rip your face off.
No, wait! It's okay.
You the same fool
that came dressed as a coolie?
No, we all just look alike.
My man. Brother.
Yo, bro!
My man, the Master, he split, you know.
- What?
- He's not here.
So why don't you chill out with us?
Smoke a little herb. Sip a little wine.
No, I had too much already.
Soul brother!
- Soul brother!
- All right!
You know how to shoot craps?
- Craps?
- Craps!
Craps!
Yeah, craps.
All right!
Right on!
Mr. Leroy?
Are you in here?
Sorry, miss, I didn't mean
to scare you that bad.
That's all right.
Is a Mr. Leroy here?
No, he's not here, but...
...how about something
in a medium-sized Oriental?
No, thanks.
I'm not Jewish.
Is this where he does all that stuff?
Yeah, I do it, too.
That's really wonderful!
Yep!
Well, you see, I'm on my way back to...
...Kew Gardens.
You gotta tell Mr. Leroy that...
...he better stay away
from Seventh Heaven.
Why?
Because of my "former" producer,
associate...
...and boyfriend, Eddie Arkadian.
He's gone crazy.
Tonight's show is conceived...
Tonight's show is conceived...
...written, produced, directed and starring...
...Eddie Arkadian!
Tonight, we make show biz history...
...my way!
I'm getting funky to the smooth...
...cool sounds of Fast Eddie A!
"I want you, I need you
"I love you
Lovin' you every night
"I crumble at your touch and"
What's that?
Fire.
"You've got me burning hot with desire
"I feel my temperature
rising higher
"And, baby, fire
Keep the flame
"Burning love"
Who is she?
Charlene.
"How sublime
"I feel the passion in my soul"
She got a manager?
I don't know.
Fire!
This is sure one strange game of craps,
soul brother!
Yeah!
This is how we play in Harlem.
You want to play
like soul brother number one?
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Right!
- You play like this.
- All right, I'm sorry.
Now, it is your turn.
- Do not step on the line.
- Right!
My man.
Right on!
Two, three, five.
Turkey!
Shit!
You turkey!
- I collect this whole pot, baby!
- What time is it?
- Where is the Master?
- Master?
Looks like my man forgot about his pizza.
- I must see him now.
- No, no!
The wise one never sees nobody.
He will see me.
- I have this.
- What you got?
Check this out!
- It's nice, huh?
- Yeah, I like that.
Okay, here, come with me.
I will see him now?
Yeah, come on.
Just wait here.
Where is the Master?
I want to see him now!
Please! There is no master!
- You lie!
- No, it's true!
We made him up
to sell more fortune cookies!
- Tell him!
- It's true!
- Please!
- Show him!
I'll show you!
- Over here! I'll show you!
- Yeah, show him!
Show him!
This is Sum Dum Goy.
Why?
Why, Master?
Why have you sent me on a journey
to find someone who does not exist?
Why?
So, you have not found
the master that you seek.
There is no Sum Dum Goy.
He is a computer.
Why have you done this to me?
Here.
It contains everything you need...
...to find your way to the golden glow.
Think, Leroy!
You have just opened a fortune cookie
without a fortune...
...written by a master who does not exist...
...to find the solution to a problem...
...whose answer you already know.
And this?
You needed a charm.
A true master would use this
to hold up his pants.
Enough.
There is one place...
...that you have not yet looked.
It is there, only there...
...that you shall find the master.
Now, if you will excuse me,
my plane leaves shortly.
You are going on a quest for knowledge?
No, I'm going to visit my mother in Miami.
Leroy!
Are you actually gonna fight them?
Well, you can't be serious!
Leroy, I never would've told you
if I thought you'd actually go there!
What are you, nuts?
You're not going all alone, are you?
Are you?
All right then. Then I'm going with you.
If you go, I go!
Okay.
Okay?
Do you plan to fight
with only your bare hands?
Do you not need a weapon?
Weapon, right!
What are you doing?
This isn't funny, Leroy!
Johnny, I am sorry.
I must do this alone.
Leroy, come back here!
Leroy! I'm afraid of the dark!
Leroy!
Gag her!
Right, boss.
Come on!
The key. Wait.
Put the key in the latch and turn it!
- Okay, I'm trying!
- Well, try harder!
Okay!
Okay, you can come out now!
Come on, let's go!
Where are we going?
We already missed the second show.
- Would you just come on?
- Okay!
Welcome...
...to my little party in your honor, Leroy.
The guest list has been compiled...
...so that you go out in style.
You don't mind if my friends
introduce themselves, do you, Leroy?
Then let the games...
...begin!
Bravo, Leroy! Ol!
I'm gonna whack this guy out
and get it over with now!
Give me that thing!
For God's sake, take that off!
I said take it off!
You've got to ruin everything!
The time, money, the energy I've spent!
Get it off! Get the broad!
Attaboy, Leroy!
You're a bunch of wussies, you know that?
More volume!
All right!
Way to go, Goliath!
Go, Geronimo! Give him a lick!
Go, Johnny!
Come on! Will you make it interesting?
Good! That's one for you!
Johnny! Are you all right?
Shit!
Come on, you old Crunch!
Johnny!
Come on, you miserable slob!
God, what a slug!
You got it, Johnny!
Move out. Come on, Plan B.
Let's go! Move out!
Let's get the hell out of here!
- Come on, will you?
- Okay, move!
Come on.
This way!
Hey, Leroy!
That was almost worth
the price of admission in there!
And to think,
the featured act is yet to come!
Come on, Leroy!
Mojo, you go that way! Just go!
Come on!
Holy shit!
Let her go, or next time I will not miss.
Next time, I won't miss either!
Got you now, you little punk!
You'll never use that again!
Let me go!
Let him go!
Anything you say!
Let me at him!
- Let me at him! I'll save you, Laura!
- Are you all right?
Of course I'm all right.
I've got to save Laura.
You are not going anywhere.
- Leroy, I wanna help!
- No!
- I've got to save Laura!
- You will be safe here.
Leroy, I've got to save Laura!
I was doing all right
'til the guy got to drop on me!
Leroy! Come on, man!
You warmed up yet?
Yeah!
Come on, Leroy, let me out!
Be careful.
There's nothing like this on stage,
screen, radio, TV, or cable, baby!
This is an exclusive!
Get him! Come on, hit him.
There, nigger, please!
Duck, Leroy!
You can't do that to my brother!
Get him, Leroy!
That's the way! Get him, Leroy!
All right, come on.
Stings a little, don't it?
Come on, Leroy.
You can run, but you can't hide.
Playtime's over, boy.
Ain't this beautiful? I love it!
This is theater!
Now...
...when I say:
Who's the master?
You say:
Sho'nuff.
Who's the master?
We need a better view.
Come on, ringside seats!
Now, I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Who is the master?
Wait a minute, sweetheart!
I love you. Just stay here.
Who is the master?
I can't hear you, Leroy!
Drown him, for Christ's sake!
Will you drown him?
Who is the master?
I said, who's the master?
I can't hear you!
Who is the master?
There is one place
that you have not yet looked.
It is there, only there...
...that you shall find the master.
You sure look like a master to me.
All right, Leroy,
who's the one and only master?
I am.
I am!
What the...
Shit!
Goddamn!
Let me go, motherfucker! Let me go!
Holy shit!
Okay, come on!
I applaud you, Leroy!
That's a great finish.
Not the ending I had in mind,
but it's a great finish.
You see, a.45 will put an end
to all this kung fu crap.
All it takes is one little bullet.
So, take your final bows, scum sucker!
- Leroy!
- No, no!
Go, Leroy!
Drown him, Leroy! Get him!
Drown that sucker!
What? Oh, God, no!
- All right!
- No, wait! Jesus!
No, listen!
I've never seen anything like that!
I mean anything! No, wait!
I'll tell you what, let's make a deal!
We could make money!
You get foreign rights...
...l'll take domestic!
What do you say? Wait!
You can have both, foreign and domestic!
Just give me a finder's fee!
Okay, all right, no finder's fee.
You can have the whole thing!
Let me pass!
We've got a television show to do!
Excuse me.
Laura, where have you been? We've been
looking all over for you. You're late.
How can I have her ready on time?
Look at you. You're a mess!
I didn't bring the right tools with me.
Richie! Where'd he go?
Where have you guys been?
Listen, Officer, I'd like to report a mugging.
My friend and I, Mr. Nuff,
we were just minding our own business...
...when we were assaulted
by these hoodlums!
We're lucky to be alive!
Save it, Arkadian!
You're going up for good this time!
- Never!
- Come on, Laura, you're due in the studio.
Let's go.
Ready for commercial.
Would you teach me some moves?
Man, check out the cornball!
He ain't no cornball!
He's my brother and he's the Master!
...that was the blue one?
- I do not know, Master.
- You do not know?
No.
I humbly apologize
for my ignorance, Master.
I will do anything to prove my worthiness!
You have been to the movies again, I see.
Full of disciples falling to their knees...
...at the slightest hint
of their master's displeasure.
Leroy, this is not a punishment.
It is a celebration!
You have touched the final level.
You knew without knowing!
We have finished our journey together.
But, Master...
...the final level. The glow!
You always said...
That when you reached the final level...
...you would know it by the appearance
of a sublime glow...
...all over your body.
Come, Leroy.
Get up.
What you seek is not written on the floor.
The final level is a return to the beginning.
This is the Last Dragon.
A cycle is complete...
...and now there is
a new emptiness to be filled...
...a new journey
which you must make alone.
I am confused.
Good. Confusion is a part of life,
as are vengeance, fear and love.
All facets must be embraced...
...for then, and only then...
...will you break through
the wall of mystery to the glow.
Master, perhaps with more time to train.
Master, I need more time.
I am no longer your master!
Leroy...
...if it is a master you must have...
...there is an old sage
called Sum Dum Goy.
He is said to be the wisest man
in the universe. Go, find him.
He is here in New York.
Take this. It was Bruce Lee's.
When you find the master
who will take you to the final level...
...give it to him.
Go now, my son, on your journey.
Go.
Joints and bags! Joints and bags!
Put his butt on the chuck wagon
and send his ass to the dogs, man!
- Shuffle on him, Bruce!
- Sting him!
That's that, man,
and there ain't no comin' back!
- Am I the meanest?
- Sho'nuff!
- Am I the prettiest?
- Sho'nuff!
Am I the baddest mo-fo
lowdown around this town?
Sho'nuff!
- Well, who am I?
- Sho'nuff!
- Who am I?
- Sho'nuff!
I can't hear you!
Sho'nuff!
The Shogun of Harlem!
Crunch, seats.
This is Sho's row. Move it.
I said beat it!
I know who can beat you!
- Who said that? Beast, find who said that!
- I got him, Sho. I got him.
I got him, Sho.
Here you go, Sho.
Here's the roach that said it!
Who's badder than the Shogun?
Bruce Leroy, that's who!
Bruce Leroy?
Bruce Leroy?
That's the only guy that stands
between Sho and total supremacy.
Well, well, well.
If it ain't the mysterious...
...the illusive Leroy Green.
I've been waitin' a long time for this, Leroy.
I am sick of hearing
these bullshit superman stories...
...about the "wahsa" legendary...
...Bruce Leroy catchin' bullets
with his teeth.
Catches bullets with his teeth?
Nigger, please!
The secret awaits eyes
unclouded by ambition.
What?
Those who are bound by desire see only
that which can be held in their hands.
See, now it is mumbo-jumbo like that...
...and skinny lizards like you,
thinkin' they're the Last Dragon...
...that gives kung fu a bad name.
Get up, Leroy. I got something real
for your ass in these hands.
We gonna settle this once and for all
'cause I am back.
The Shogun is back on the scene
and the Shogun is the master.
Why don't you sit down and shut up?
What? Why don't I sit down and what?
I said, "Why don't you sit down
and shut up?"
Why don't anybody who wants me
to sit down and shut up...
...come down here and make me?
Why don't any fifty of you
who want me to sit down and shut up...
...come down here just for the fun of it?
Yeah, come on, fool! This fool's mine!
Jack him up, baby!
Don't hurt that face, baby!
Yeah!
Leroy, I'm going...
You'll never use this foot again!
Leroy!
I'm gonna get you Leroy...
...because I am the Shogun!
I will not rest until everybody knows...
...Shogun is the master!
You wimp!
Still hungry, are we?
I've got a surprise. Dessert!
Live from Seventh Heaven,
it's Laura's Video Hotpix...
...brought to you by Coca-Cola.
Coke is it.
Soon that's going to be you, Angie...
...dancing around on that screen,
ain't that right?
Hey, Angie, baby...
...soon that's going to be you up there,
right?
Yeah!
That's my girl!
Baby's going to be a star!
If you'd have put this energy
into gettin' me a title fight...
...maybe I'd have been
on my way to Vegas now.
You lost, Rock, you lost!
Every fight I got you.
"The Great White Hopeless"
they called you. Remember?
What do you think
they're going to call her?
A goddess is what they're going to call her.
A goddess!
What she'll do to people
has never been done before.
- Make 'em run for cover?
- That's cute.
And now, for my video hotpick
of the week, and it is hot...
...I say we rock on with DeBarge.
Rhythm of the Night.
"When it feels like
the world is on your shoulders
"And all of the madness
has got you going crazy
"It's time to get out
step out into the streets
"Where all of the action
is right there at your feet, well
"I know a place where we can
dance the whole night away
"Underneath the electric stars
"Just come with me
and we can shake the blues
"Right away
You'll be doing fine once the music starts
"Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night
"Dance until the morning light"
I don't know why you're
going through this.
Give me five minutes, Eddie...
...and this chick'll be begging
to play this thing.
You got no class, Rock.
I know how to handle
these show biz types.
You gotta wine 'em, dine 'em,
you let 'em order la carte.
After all, me and this lady,
we got a lot in common.
She's the video-rock queen, but I,
Eddie Arkadian, am the video-game king!
She's got the audience but I got the vision.
That's a match made in heaven.
I thought I told you to get rid of that thing.
You also told me,
"Keep it, it comes in handy." Remember?
Yeah, I remember!
Damn, that thing gives me the creeps.
"Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night
"Dance until the morning light
"Forget about the worries on your mind
"You can leave them all behind
Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night
"Dance until the morning light
Forget about the worries on your mind
"Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night
"Forget about the worries on your mind
"Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night
"Forget about the worries on your mind
"The music's playin'
It's a celebration
"The music's playin'
Everybody dance
"To the beat of the rhythm of the night
"Forget about the worries on your mind
You can leave them all behind
"Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night"
All we're talking about... We're just
talking about one dinner out of your life.
Come on, at least have dinner with him.
J.J., I would love to help you out...
...but the fact is my show is booked solid
for the next four weeks.
So you're just going to have to wait.
- Honey...
- Please, we've got a show to do.
Will you at least look at the videotape?
- J.J., there is no point.
- Laura, there is a point.
The point of the knife which is at my neck.
He'll slit my throat if you don't do this.
Come on, Laura!
What are you talking about?
You in some trouble?
- Who's going to slit your throat?
- Sit down, we've got a show!
Laura, this guy plays rough.
Thirty seconds, Laura.
What guy? Okay. Tell me, J.J., who?
- Eddie Arkadian.
- Who is Eddie Arkadian?
Eddie Arkadian is a heavy dude
who wants to have this videotape...
...played in the worst way.
Come on, Laura!
Fifteen seconds, Laura.
Come on. Let's go!
Come here. Great.
Why don't you just call a cop, okay?
My life is not filled with all that craziness.
Five seconds!
Tell that Eddie Ark,
or whatever his name is, to forget it!
- Arkadian. Laura!
- One! You're on!
"I found a place, finally find a place
for you and me to go
"If you want to get in
Step up in the elevator
"Press number seven
That's all you got to do
"To get to Seventh Heaven
"I can't believe what you're gonna see
"Once you get inside
I know you'll love my ride
"You can fool around in my room
"And enjoy my golden ride, keep it up
"Up and around I'll never let you down
"Going up, I'll keep it up
and around will I ever
"Never say never
"At Heaven's elevator door
"Because once you dare
"You can't get it up anymore"
Thank you, everybody,
and welcome to Seventh Heaven.
I'm glad you made it. I'm glad I made it.
Today my special guests,
the tastemakers...
...from the now generation,
with my Cloud Crowd.
J.J., my main man! What's happening?
What?
Nobody turns down
an Eddie Arkadian invitation.
Nobody.
So come on down and join us
because the winner...
...will get a Seventh Heavenly
evening out on the town with me.
What do you think about that?
How about a kiss?
Who said that?
- I did!
- No, I said it!
Well, you never know.
But here's one for now.
Got it!
"You found my place
"You finally found my place
Yes, love's inside my lords
"Dancin' all the time
Hop off the elevator
"Hell with incinerators
Heaven never burned
"An angel on a fire
"He never burned an angel on a fire
He was full of desire
"Oh, no, we don't burn angels on the fire"
That's my babe!
- What are you talkin' about?
- That's my woman up there.
- Laura?
- She don't know it yet, but she's mine.
Yeah!
- Laura, sign here!
- I love you, Laura!
We love you, Laura!
How you doin' tonight, Sal?
You just sit back and relax. Sal got sick.
What are you doing?
The right thing, Ms. Charles,
which is what...
...you're gonna do if you got half a brain.
- Help! Somebody help me!
- Put her in the car!
Come on, get her in here.
- Help me, somebody!
- Get in the car, bitch!
I would not do that if I were you.
You little punk!
What are you, crazy?
Huh, tough guy? Come on!
Your mother!
Come on!
Come on! Come here!
Are you all right, miss?
Yeah. I don't know. I guess so.
What about you? Are you okay?
They did not harm me.
Wow!
Your things.
That's okay, I can get them.
It seems that everything is safe now.
Yeah.
You sure you are all right?
Yeah, really.
Just a little shaken up, I think.
God, what was that all about?
I don't believe it.
You were really something, boy.
I just don't know how to thank you.
Did you see where that guy went?
Yeah, he's right...
I don't know. You getting in or what?
Come on, honey, let's go.
Where is that deejay lady anyway?
I mean, what's the big deal?
- Can't she just meet us there?
- Angela, sweetheart, shut up!
- But, Eddie, I'm hungry. I want to go!
- I said shut up!
Gee, don't cry.
Listen, Laura what's-her-face
is gonna be here any second.
We don't want our star to look like
a little pig peed in her eyes now, do we?
Then knock it off!
Don't bug me! Fix your face!
Shut up!
As soon as the chick gets here,
we leave, okay? Okay.
- Now, boss.
- Boss!
Boss, don't get mad
because it wasn't our fault, all right?
- There was nothing we could do.
- There were bodyguards.
There must have been 20 or 30 of them!
- These big...
- Black guys!
Yeah, black guys.
- Yeah, with chains!
- Chains, clubs, they had everything.
They had pipes, bats, they had everything!
All right, all right!
So the broad wants to play tough, huh?
All right.
Two of us can play that game.
Hey, Rock! Come here.
I got a little job for you.
The tank?
Bring her back in one piece, will you?
Chinese GoJu is my secret, I bear no arms.
May God help me
if I ever have to use my art.
Conscience is our guide.
Peace is our shelter.
Beauty and perfection is our life.
See the courtesy.
Kis-Kay! Break!
Johnny, what are you doing?
Well, you see, Leroy,
you know how you're always teaching us...
...to master the art of fighting
without fighting?
Well, I did you one better.
I mastered the art of fighting
without knowing how to fight.
You see, people...
People are afraid of Oriental dudes.
Give them a little move, a little scream,
and lots of attitude.
Check this out.
Johnny, to seek safety
one must go to the heart of danger.
The sign outside says this here school
is for instructions in the martial arts.
- We thought we might get some lessons.
- Yeah, where do we sign up?
- How many yen?
- I'd like to learn some kung fu.
- Come on, hot stuff!
- Come on, Leroy.
Teach me something.
I do not wish to fight you.
Well, who do you "wish" to fight then?
One of them?
Or one of the ladies, maybe?
Yeah, since you're too much
of a sissy to fight me...
...maybe they're more your speed.
Get him, girls.
Maybe you can get a rise
out of this limp wimp!
- You wanna wrestle?
- Hey, little girl.
All you've got is this bod and that's it.
I would love to peel this banana.
Come on, handsome, show us your stuff!
How about a little kiss on my fist?
He's too much of a gentleman to hit a lady.
You look scared to me!
Yeah! Come on, Leroy!
- Yeah, that's right! Bow, sucker!
- Yeah!
Bow down to your master!
Yeah, coolie, kiss my Converse!
- So sorry. Excuse, please.
- Bow!
Bow!
Enough!
You want to fight?
You fight me, you big ugly,
smelly-breathed sucker!
How about you, string bean,
Rick-James-lookin' fool?
Beast, kill him!
Get him, Beast!
Bow down or I'm gonna snap
this clown in two!
Yeah, that's right, fool!
Kiss 'em!
Down!
Beast, let him go.
You may not wish to fight me now, sucker!
But you will! I'm gonna see to that!
Sayonara.
- Who's the master?
- Sho'nuff!
- Who's the master?
- Sho'nuff!
The Shogun of Harlem!
Yeah!
Sometimes it is hard
to live the way of the wise.
Hey, Reloy!
Your papa-san,
he wants you in the kitchen, man!
Good morning, Green Sanitarium,
Warden speaking...
...and I must say our inmates
are off to a promising start this morning.
Who's calling? Roy!
I can't come now.
I'm being held captive till the coolie,
moonie kid comes down from the roof.
He's becoming one with his brain again.
Yeah.
All right, I'll catch you later
at the rehearsal.
Hey, let me get this straight.
The prize in this contest,
you hope to win, is a date?
"Am" gonna win.
And it ain't no thing
and the prize ain't no date.
- A night with Laura Charles is an event.
- Excuse me.
Mama-san, Papa-san...
...Richie-san, Lotus Blossom-san.
Now isn't that nice, Sophia?
Pretty chopsticks, Natasha.
Thank you.
I wish you all would decide on one name
for this poor child.
No wonder she's so confused.
Bless this food.
It is to build thy body temple.
Spiritualize it.
I'm telling you, Pop, the boy is off it.
Stupid old clothes,
won't mess with no babes.
People talk, you know.
Richard, leave your brother alone.
I can't help it if he's weird.
You're weird, man, really weird.
Richie, when I first started my business,
people said I was weird.
A black man with a pizza shop.
Now there isn't a hungry soul in this town
that doesn't know my slogan:
"Just direct-a-yo feets-a to Daddy Green's...
"Pizza."
Watch yourself, son.
My personal choices
for the video hotpix of the week...
That's my babe, Pop!
That's my date for tonight!
Because it's alive and very, very exciting.
- That is her!
- You telling me?
You better believe that's her!
That's Laura Charles!
So you remember now,
every weekday night at 8:00.
Laura Charles!
- I would like to see her!
- Well, who wouldn't, fool?
"I would like to see her."
No way the Queen is gonna be looking at
no walkin' fortune cookie!
"I would like to see her."
- Well, I'll see her today, at rehearsal.
- You know where she is?
- I know where she's gonna be.
- You must take me to see her!
I ain't taking you nowhere!
You might embarrass me.
You're too weird.
You do not understand.
She may have something I need.
I knew it would happen sooner or later.
You stood on your head so long,
you broke it.
Look, let me break it down for you.
You seem to be wanting to broaden,
get it, your horizons.
You let a lot of good years roll by
without even testing the old equipment.
Now, even you being a disgrace and all,
I'd be less than a man if I didn't warn you...
...that there's an art to making love
and you don't even have a paintbrush.
You gotta know the moves, baby.
You know, the moves.
Richie, I am not concerned with moves.
My concern is something else.
Else? What else is there?
Please, I must see her.
I don't see why I'm getting so upset.
Go on, go after a goddess if you want to,
but let me tell you something.
The worst thing that can happen to you
is that she says "yes."
'Cause ain't no woman like that
going to hold still while you figure it out.
Not only do you not know
when to do something...
...you wouldn't know where to put it
if you did!
And, Leroy...
...it can really hurt if you don't know
what you're doing.
Richie, I must go to this dance contest!
I ain't taking you nowhere and that's final!
Please!
Kiss my hand.
Richie, please.
Maybe I'll take you...
...if you carry me all the way
on your back and rap.
- Rap? Me?
- Yeah!
"Smell like"
I think I have it.
"Smell like"
I think I have it.
"What it is, what it look like, do it
"Yeah, baby
"Do it, do it. What it, what it be like"
Okay! That's it! That's it!
That is it, stop!
Stop right here.
It's just pitiful.
- Well, give me one more chance!
- No. It is pitiful.
Put me down.
Put me down!
It's pitiful.
Richie, where are you going?
Are you not going to buy tickets?
Of course, I'm gonna buy a ticket!
I never buy tickets,
you shrimp-fried-rice head, you.
Man, if anyone asks you,
you ain't my brother, okay?
What?
You ain't my brother, that's all!
Now, come on!
Come on, move it!
See man, messing around with you,
now my boys don't even know I'm here.
You're not trying to enter
without paying, are you?
Chill out, chopsticks. Let me handle this.
There must be another door.
I'll be back.
Just stay right here and don't move.
- And if anyone asks, remember...
- I know, I ain't your brother.
Why wasn't this sound check done sooner?
I don't know. I only do what I'm told.
You know, we try for perfection.
Help!
Help!
"I found a picture
"I found a picture
"Inside your suitcase
"I don't know what it means
"I didn't recognize her face
"Mail order catalogues
"Underneath your mattress
"Polaroids do suggest
"She is not an actress
"Why is this friendly group
all jumping through a hoop?
- "Dirty books
- I found 'em, I found 'em
"Now that I have seen it all
"You want me to participate
"You dress me up in peek-a-boos
"Body oil and roller skates
- "Dirty books
- I found 'em, I found 'em
"And to think I found them in your suitcase
"I found 'em, I found 'em"
Don't you love it?
Look, doll, did I do you a favor
or did I do you a favor?
So you're going to play my video?
No!
Maybe you didn't hear it right...
...so I'm going to ask you one more time.
Are you going to put my video
on your show or aren't you?
I'm going to tell you one more time.
The answer is "no."
It's not that I don't like it.
- It's just that it's not the right...
- Right!
Right time of the night to look at it.
That's what she was going to say,
wasn't it, honey?
Eddie, she's just tired.
Tired?
She's going to be dead tired
if she's not careful.
Okay, I tried to be a gentleman about this!
I was going to take you out
to a fancy restaurant.
Let you order la carte!
All I wanted you to do was to put my video
on your show, and now you say "no."
Okay, that's it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
Rock, let's go.
Eddie, you're not gonna do
what I think you are?
Who's going to stop me?
Who is this guy? We didn't order out.
Get him the hell out of here!
Get him outta here now!
Who is this guy? Get in there!
Break his face, will you?
What are you guys waiting for? Get going!
Are you on vacation? Move it!
Get in there!
Get going!
I'm sorry, Miss...
Angela. Angela Viracco.
Bums!
I do not think Miss Charles
enjoys your company.
It would be best that you leave her alone!
I don't know who you are, pal,
but you're in a lot of trouble!
Hothead needs cool water.
No, no, no!
No, not the tank!
No!
Eddie!
Come, you will be safe now.
- Eddie, are you all right?
- Get away from me, you dumb broad!
But Eddie, you're all wet!
Honey!
Look at this, it's all wet. You're all wet.
Rock, get this damn thing out of here.
That son of a bitch is history.
God, I can't believe this!
This is enough to drive you crazy.
You do this kind of thing everyday?
You are too much!
Who are you?
I am Leroy.
Leroy Green.
It's nice to meet you.
I need a drink.
Why don't you come inside?
Miss Charles, there is something
you may be able to help me with.
You can call me Laura.
Laura, the other night
I lost a medallion and...
That thing that looks like a belt buckle?
Belt buckle?
Is it gold?
You have it?
Yeah, I got it.
Why don't you sit down?
I'll go get it for you.
That is wonderful!
Just promise that you won't vanish...
...as soon as I give it back to you.
This is so you'll never lose it again.
I am deeply in your debt.
It is very valuable to me.
I know what it's like
to lose precious things...
...and then, of course, to find them again.
You thirsty?
From the clock's chime to the cock's crow
is but an instant.
I must go.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Cock's crow?
"Suki yaki hot saki Sue
"Suki yaki hot saki Sue
"You saki to me, I saki to you
"Suki yaki hot saki Sue
You saki to me, I saki to you
"Hot like saki wine
Here she stands
"Smooth and fine, looking good
"And she knows what she's after
"Watch out for that hook!
"She baits the line
and starts to move in closer
"He takes a step away
"Watch the hook
She's never missed her target
"Now she can say
"With your bad self, I saki to you!
"And I can say, good times
"You saki to me, I saki to you
"Suki yaki hot saki Sue"
All right!
What you lookin' for?
What you lookin' for?
I am looking for the Master.
Ain't no masters here, dude.
Ain't no slaves either!
Is this not his fortune cookie factory?
The Master, he doin' his wisdom thing.
I seek only wisdom of the Master.
You want wisdom, you buy fortune cookie.
- Take a hike, cool breeze.
- Yeah, baby.
Please, I must see the Master.
- It is very important to me.
- Look here, chump.
The Master don't see nobody,
especially no jive coolies!
Yeah, he don't see no one
who don't know how to get down, baby!
- You dig, bro? You too square, man!
- Square, dude!
Let me say it so he can understand it, Jim.
You go now! Chop-chop!
Haulee ass outta this place!
Am I sayin' it right, my man?
Like, hasta la pasta, you know?
- Buenas noches.
- Auf Wiedersehen, baby.
- Hasta lumbago!
- Sayonara!
- Catch you on the flip-flop!
- Sayonara!
I was told I could find Leroy Green here.
I was told I could find Leroy Green here.
I'm Leroy Green.
Who are you?
Who am I?
Sho'nuff!
I am the Shogun of Harlem...
...and the Leroy Green I'm lookin' for...
...is a little punk that thinks
he's a kung fu master.
You mean Junior?
Yeah.
"Junior."
Where is he?
Don't know.
I'm not sure I'd tell you if I did!
- Not sure you'd tell me if you did?
- Wait a minute!
- Leave him alone!
- Please, Momma, wait a minute!
Wait a minute, please. I'll take care of it.
Well, how about I leave him
a little message, then?
Tell him when I found out he wasn't here...
...I was all broken up!
My God, my table! What are you doing?
Crunch, Beast, Cyclone!
- Do it!
- With pleasure.
- No!
- Call the police fast!
- Please, don't do that!
- You stop it!
Please, come on!
Stop!
No, don't break the table!
I'm gonna kill you, fool!
Take it easy, honey!
What, are you crazy? He's the Beast!
- She only hit you with dough!
- You gonna die!
All right, enough is enough!
You all better chill out.
- Richie, you stay out of this!
- You better chill out, man!
I said chill out!
All right, take it easy!
Who plays this garbage?
Shut up, bitch!
That's not even mine!
I don't own that!
Tell that chicken-hearted son of yours
to name the place.
'Cause now he's got to fight me.
Yeah.
Can I kick?
Come on. I got you.
Look at him!
Oh, boy. Sit down.
You all right, Rich?
You all right now? Look at this!
What happened?
Sho'nuff happened, that's what!
It's all 'cause of you!
Everyone knows you're scared of him.
You kissed his shoes and everything.
What good is that kung fu jive
if you can't even use it?
Coward!
Why don't you go someplace
and meditate on that?
Coward!
Chinese GoJu is my secret!
May God help me
if I ever have to use my art!
Love is our law!
Truth is our worship!
Form is our manifestation!
Conscience is our guide!
Peace is our shelter.
Peace is my shelter.
Peace is...
Hello?
Hey!
I don't mean to bother you but...
...maybe I should just come back
another time, huh?
Listen, if this is a bad time,
you know, I can just...
You know, the strangest things
keep happening to me.
I mean, I seem to be attracting
the craziest people.
So, I thought that maybe
it would be a great idea...
...if I got myself a bodyguard, you know?
Like, someone to guard my body.
Anyway, you seem to be the best qualified.
I mean...
...a girl could do worse
than to have her own...
...real, live kung fu master.
I am no master.
You sure look like a master to me.
How about it?
How about what?
Bodyguard.
- Hello?
- Bodyguard?
I want you to be my bodyguard.
Have you listened to a thing I've said?
There is much I must do.
I am sorry. I cannot.
Leroy!
Excuse me!
- That's okay.
- Say...
...you're Laura Charles!
Forget it. I will go. Don't...
- That's okay.
- I don't want to bother you.
It's okay, I was just leaving.
Leaving?
Please, just give it some thought, okay?
Wow! Laura Charles!
Just let me know if you change your mind.
I said I cannot help you.
He can't help you?
Of course he can help you!
Look at that, he's just hot!
He's sick. The boy's...
All that yoga.
Hi, my name is Johnny Yu.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Hi, Johnny, it's nice to meet you.
She said it was nice to meet me!
Laura Charles said it was nice to meet me!
She said it was nice!
She...
Yeah.
This is your rsum?
I like the cropping on that picture.
You did "the incinerator murder"?
Yeah, I trashed the little lady.
Double?
Why do you think you should get double...
...what everybody else is getting, huh?
Beautiful!
Save it!
Give that man anything he wants!
Give him a bone.
Make sure you take out for the table, huh?
"You look at me like a new pickup
"You tell the barman, 'Fill her up'
"You try to steer me out the door
"But I know what you're cruising for
"You want a test drive
"You want a free ride down
"Lovers' Lane tonight"
All right, that's enough!
- Looks terrific, sweetheart.
- Yeah?
Just needs a couple more steps, okay?
And you girls looked great, too.
Listen, why don't you take a break
and get outta those clothes?
Here are some quarters.
Go have a good time. I'll talk to you, girls.
- Go, go!
- 'Bye, girls!
- 'Bye, baby.
- Ciao, Angie, baby.
- 'Bye, baby.
- Ciao, Angie, baby.
You know, to tell you the truth,
Eddie, I'm really getting tired of all this.
I mean that deejay lady,
she's never gonna play our stuff, anyway.
She'll see the light...
...as soon as I get that Leroy character
out of the way.
What do you mean "out of the way"?
Sweetheart, you should see the talent
I got lined up out there.
If this deejay broad don't wise up,
she's gonna be dessert.
It's all for you, sweetheart.
All to make you a star.
Now what do you think of your lover-boy?
All for me?
All for you, sweetheart.
Well, I mean, if it's really all for me...
I don't want you to kill anybody.
Are you out of your mind?
Nobody does what he did to me and lives!
Nobody!
You know what I've been thinking, Eddie?
I've been thinking that maybe you're trying
to use me to get what you want.
I mean, just like you tried to use Rock.
Yeah, you were gonna make him
this big heavyweight champion.
Sure, until he lost a fight.
All this glamour and stardom...
...it's all for you, isn't it, Eddie?
You know, Angie...
...a lot of girls out there
would like to trade places with you.
If you're unhappy with all of this...
...why don't you just walk out?
Go have a nice, normal, boring life.
To tell you the truth, Eddie,
it couldn't be anymore boring...
...than hanging around
with this gook in my hair...
...while you guys go play cops and robbers.
Where are you gonna go, Angie?
Without me, you're nothing!
Without that outfit, you're just another
no-talent, dental school dropout...
...from Kew Gardens gettin' by on her tits!
In the end, Eddie, you know what?
You're nothing but a misguided,
midget asshole...
...with dreams of ruling the world!
Yeah, also from Kew Gardens.
And also getting by on my tits.
Where do you think you're going?
To elocution class!
What for?
Did you see that?
Sho'nuff is the master!
- Number one!
- Can I pick 'em or what?
Shut up!
- Am I the meanest?
- Sho'nuff!
- Am I the prettiest?
- Sho'nuff!
Am I the baddest mo-fo
lowdown around this town?
Sho'nuff!
I can't hear you!
Sho'nuff!
Yeah!
Keep your money.
You just get that sucker
to the designated place...
...at the designated time...
...and I will gladly designate his ass...
...for dismemberment!
Yeah! Hey! Well, whatever!
Anyway you want to do it.
It'll certainly be my pleasure, Mr. Nuff.
Put it away. Come on.
- Looking for me?
- Yes.
I mean...
I thought I wasn't exactly
on your favorite persons' list.
That is why I came by,
to apologize for the way I spoke.
I did not mean it towards you.
Great.
Then you'll be my bodyguard?
I'd love to, but I must complete
a mission first.
A mission?
You see, I am in search of the final level
where the spirit takes over...
...from the mind
and guides the body without thought.
Okay. Listen, you stay right here, okay?
Don't move. I'll be back in five minutes.
Don't disappear, okay? I'll be right back.
A great fighter, for instance...
...might be able to get just his hands
to fill with such power...
...that they would get the glow, which
could be deadly if it fell into evil hands.
Yet, if these hands belonged to a master...
Like Bruce Lee.
Yes, exactly!
Someone who has reached the final level
and could make his whole body glow...
...the beauty he would be able to create
would be without bounds.
Imagine the wonder someone like this
can bring to the world!
That's a beautiful dream, Leroy.
Now I know you're gonna love
what I've got to show you at the studio.
What's wrong?
Calling Leroy.
I am sorry, but it's just...
What? Tell me. Come on.
You see, I have this friend.
- Yeah?
- He is very shy.
He came to me for advice. And I...
...well...
It is something I thought
you can help me with, him with.
Okay, I'll try.
Tell me about it. What is it?
Moves.
Moves?
You see...
...my friend, he has never been...
He likes this girl.
- Yeah?
- He has never been with a woman before.
He does not even have a paintbrush.
Paintbrush?
He cannot even draw.
- Draw? What are you talking about?
- You know.
The art of making love.
- Moves.
- Of course.
- I would love to show you some moves.
- No!
It's not for me. I said it was for my friend.
He is the one.
Okay, anything you say.
Is it not kind of hot in here, Miss Charles?
I'm telling you, I don't need a contest...
...to win this date 'cause I got juice!
Why don't you just give up?
Your delusions of grandeur about love
with her is nothin' but a wet dream.
Don't be no fool, Jack.
The Baron Von Rick's got
a more direct route to the target.
Watch out the target
don't shoot you down.
- Why don't you write her a letter?
- Or make an obscene phone call?
'Cause that's as close as you're gonna get.
You two play a game if you want to.
I'm gonna sit right here
and wait for her to show up.
And the rap I'm gonna lay on her...
...is gonna make Romeo seem tongue-tied.
Make her melt like hot butter
all over my body!
Go, Rick!
And this time ain't nothin' gonna stand
between me and my destiny...
...with the sweet lips of Lady Laura!
Wow! This place is great!
Fists of Fury!
That's it, man. Enough is enough.
- I'm gonna go.
- Wait a minute!
Something's going on in here.
You think it's her?
There's only one way to find out.
Come on!
What? Where are we going?
Shit!
- Forget it, man.
- Wait up, man!
This is great!
Man, I ought to slap that sucker silly
with a suit for alienation of affections!
If it wasn't for me,
he wouldn't even know where she was!
Chocolate-covered yellow peril!
Chill out, man!
Wait for me, will you?
Come on, man, wait for me!
That sucker better start sleeping
with his inscrutable eyes open...
...'cause there's gonna be a serious case
of chopsockie justice coming his way!
Maybe you just don't understand him.
I mean, if the lady likes him,
he must be doing something right.
Leroy? He wouldn't even know
what to do with that!
Looked like he was doing all right to me.
What's that?
Chinese Connection.
He has disguised himself in order to...
...get into the villains' lair!
Why did I not think of that before?
I must go.
Thanks a lot, Bruce!
- Where are you going?
- Back to claim what's mine!
Leroy?
Ran out on you, huh?
Don't cover up for that Ping-Pong playing...
...chow mein for brains, kung fu head!
What are you doing up there?
You come down here
before you hurt yourself!
Now!
I don't understand what you see in him!
Leroy?
We meet again, Miss Charles.
Let me go!
Get your hands off my woman!
I said get your hands off my woman!
Let me go, you big baboon!
All right!
Little Joe, man! You pay up, bro!
This is craps, man! You pay me!
You blind, man?
This book says "Little Joe"!
- You pay up, blood!
- You can't even read the book, blood!
Hey, my man.
What it look like?
Hey, my man, what it look like?
Hey, my man, what it look like?
Hey, my man.
- What it look like?
- What you want?
I am the soul brother like no other...
...to deliver this pizza with bean sprouts.
Pizza with bean sprouts?
Well, yeah, we make anything, dig?
"Just direct-a-yo feets-a
to Daddy Green's pizza."
Now if you bloods would show me
where I can find the Master...
You sure the Master ordered this pizza?
The man himself.
You're going to release his beast
if it gets cold out here.
I don't know what you're up to,
but I'm gonna rip your face off.
No, wait! It's okay.
You the same fool
that came dressed as a coolie?
No, we all just look alike.
My man. Brother.
Yo, bro!
My man, the Master, he split, you know.
- What?
- He's not here.
So why don't you chill out with us?
Smoke a little herb. Sip a little wine.
No, I had too much already.
Soul brother!
- Soul brother!
- All right!
You know how to shoot craps?
- Craps?
- Craps!
Craps!
Yeah, craps.
All right!
Right on!
Mr. Leroy?
Are you in here?
Sorry, miss, I didn't mean
to scare you that bad.
That's all right.
Is a Mr. Leroy here?
No, he's not here, but...
...how about something
in a medium-sized Oriental?
No, thanks.
I'm not Jewish.
Is this where he does all that stuff?
Yeah, I do it, too.
That's really wonderful!
Yep!
Well, you see, I'm on my way back to...
...Kew Gardens.
You gotta tell Mr. Leroy that...
...he better stay away
from Seventh Heaven.
Why?
Because of my "former" producer,
associate...
...and boyfriend, Eddie Arkadian.
He's gone crazy.
Tonight's show is conceived...
Tonight's show is conceived...
...written, produced, directed and starring...
...Eddie Arkadian!
Tonight, we make show biz history...
...my way!
I'm getting funky to the smooth...
...cool sounds of Fast Eddie A!
"I want you, I need you
"I love you
Lovin' you every night
"I crumble at your touch and"
What's that?
Fire.
"You've got me burning hot with desire
"I feel my temperature
rising higher
"And, baby, fire
Keep the flame
"Burning love"
Who is she?
Charlene.
"How sublime
"I feel the passion in my soul"
She got a manager?
I don't know.
Fire!
This is sure one strange game of craps,
soul brother!
Yeah!
This is how we play in Harlem.
You want to play
like soul brother number one?
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Right!
- You play like this.
- All right, I'm sorry.
Now, it is your turn.
- Do not step on the line.
- Right!
My man.
Right on!
Two, three, five.
Turkey!
Shit!
You turkey!
- I collect this whole pot, baby!
- What time is it?
- Where is the Master?
- Master?
Looks like my man forgot about his pizza.
- I must see him now.
- No, no!
The wise one never sees nobody.
He will see me.
- I have this.
- What you got?
Check this out!
- It's nice, huh?
- Yeah, I like that.
Okay, here, come with me.
I will see him now?
Yeah, come on.
Just wait here.
Where is the Master?
I want to see him now!
Please! There is no master!
- You lie!
- No, it's true!
We made him up
to sell more fortune cookies!
- Tell him!
- It's true!
- Please!
- Show him!
I'll show you!
- Over here! I'll show you!
- Yeah, show him!
Show him!
This is Sum Dum Goy.
Why?
Why, Master?
Why have you sent me on a journey
to find someone who does not exist?
Why?
So, you have not found
the master that you seek.
There is no Sum Dum Goy.
He is a computer.
Why have you done this to me?
Here.
It contains everything you need...
...to find your way to the golden glow.
Think, Leroy!
You have just opened a fortune cookie
without a fortune...
...written by a master who does not exist...
...to find the solution to a problem...
...whose answer you already know.
And this?
You needed a charm.
A true master would use this
to hold up his pants.
Enough.
There is one place...
...that you have not yet looked.
It is there, only there...
...that you shall find the master.
Now, if you will excuse me,
my plane leaves shortly.
You are going on a quest for knowledge?
No, I'm going to visit my mother in Miami.
Leroy!
Are you actually gonna fight them?
Well, you can't be serious!
Leroy, I never would've told you
if I thought you'd actually go there!
What are you, nuts?
You're not going all alone, are you?
Are you?
All right then. Then I'm going with you.
If you go, I go!
Okay.
Okay?
Do you plan to fight
with only your bare hands?
Do you not need a weapon?
Weapon, right!
What are you doing?
This isn't funny, Leroy!
Johnny, I am sorry.
I must do this alone.
Leroy, come back here!
Leroy! I'm afraid of the dark!
Leroy!
Gag her!
Right, boss.
Come on!
The key. Wait.
Put the key in the latch and turn it!
- Okay, I'm trying!
- Well, try harder!
Okay!
Okay, you can come out now!
Come on, let's go!
Where are we going?
We already missed the second show.
- Would you just come on?
- Okay!
Welcome...
...to my little party in your honor, Leroy.
The guest list has been compiled...
...so that you go out in style.
You don't mind if my friends
introduce themselves, do you, Leroy?
Then let the games...
...begin!
Bravo, Leroy! Ol!
I'm gonna whack this guy out
and get it over with now!
Give me that thing!
For God's sake, take that off!
I said take it off!
You've got to ruin everything!
The time, money, the energy I've spent!
Get it off! Get the broad!
Attaboy, Leroy!
You're a bunch of wussies, you know that?
More volume!
All right!
Way to go, Goliath!
Go, Geronimo! Give him a lick!
Go, Johnny!
Come on! Will you make it interesting?
Good! That's one for you!
Johnny! Are you all right?
Shit!
Come on, you old Crunch!
Johnny!
Come on, you miserable slob!
God, what a slug!
You got it, Johnny!
Move out. Come on, Plan B.
Let's go! Move out!
Let's get the hell out of here!
- Come on, will you?
- Okay, move!
Come on.
This way!
Hey, Leroy!
That was almost worth
the price of admission in there!
And to think,
the featured act is yet to come!
Come on, Leroy!
Mojo, you go that way! Just go!
Come on!
Holy shit!
Let her go, or next time I will not miss.
Next time, I won't miss either!
Got you now, you little punk!
You'll never use that again!
Let me go!
Let him go!
Anything you say!
Let me at him!
- Let me at him! I'll save you, Laura!
- Are you all right?
Of course I'm all right.
I've got to save Laura.
You are not going anywhere.
- Leroy, I wanna help!
- No!
- I've got to save Laura!
- You will be safe here.
Leroy, I've got to save Laura!
I was doing all right
'til the guy got to drop on me!
Leroy! Come on, man!
You warmed up yet?
Yeah!
Come on, Leroy, let me out!
Be careful.
There's nothing like this on stage,
screen, radio, TV, or cable, baby!
This is an exclusive!
Get him! Come on, hit him.
There, nigger, please!
Duck, Leroy!
You can't do that to my brother!
Get him, Leroy!
That's the way! Get him, Leroy!
All right, come on.
Stings a little, don't it?
Come on, Leroy.
You can run, but you can't hide.
Playtime's over, boy.
Ain't this beautiful? I love it!
This is theater!
Now...
...when I say:
Who's the master?
You say:
Sho'nuff.
Who's the master?
We need a better view.
Come on, ringside seats!
Now, I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Who is the master?
Wait a minute, sweetheart!
I love you. Just stay here.
Who is the master?
I can't hear you, Leroy!
Drown him, for Christ's sake!
Will you drown him?
Who is the master?
I said, who's the master?
I can't hear you!
Who is the master?
There is one place
that you have not yet looked.
It is there, only there...
...that you shall find the master.
You sure look like a master to me.
All right, Leroy,
who's the one and only master?
I am.
I am!
What the...
Shit!
Goddamn!
Let me go, motherfucker! Let me go!
Holy shit!
Okay, come on!
I applaud you, Leroy!
That's a great finish.
Not the ending I had in mind,
but it's a great finish.
You see, a.45 will put an end
to all this kung fu crap.
All it takes is one little bullet.
So, take your final bows, scum sucker!
- Leroy!
- No, no!
Go, Leroy!
Drown him, Leroy! Get him!
Drown that sucker!
What? Oh, God, no!
- All right!
- No, wait! Jesus!
No, listen!
I've never seen anything like that!
I mean anything! No, wait!
I'll tell you what, let's make a deal!
We could make money!
You get foreign rights...
...l'll take domestic!
What do you say? Wait!
You can have both, foreign and domestic!
Just give me a finder's fee!
Okay, all right, no finder's fee.
You can have the whole thing!
Let me pass!
We've got a television show to do!
Excuse me.
Laura, where have you been? We've been
looking all over for you. You're late.
How can I have her ready on time?
Look at you. You're a mess!
I didn't bring the right tools with me.
Richie! Where'd he go?
Where have you guys been?
Listen, Officer, I'd like to report a mugging.
My friend and I, Mr. Nuff,
we were just minding our own business...
...when we were assaulted
by these hoodlums!
We're lucky to be alive!
Save it, Arkadian!
You're going up for good this time!
- Never!
- Come on, Laura, you're due in the studio.
Let's go.
Ready for commercial.
Would you teach me some moves?
Man, check out the cornball!
He ain't no cornball!
He's my brother and he's the Master!