Last Foxtrot in Burbank (1973) Movie Script
Hey God. Don't be a sore.
You didn't piss on Brando.
Okay, mama.
Bye-bye.
Oh.
Oh no.
Oh, the shithouse, eh?
There's no shithouse paper.
- Hey.
Oh.
Doo-dah, doo-dah
No madam.
No madam.
No madam.
Doo-dah, doo-dah
Oh, man.
Paul!
Okay.
All right!
Oh.
Paul!
Oh, Paul.
Oh, Paul.
Oh, Paul.
Oh.
Get out.
Paul?
Get outta here!
I don't even know your name.
Oh, I can't tell you my name.
Why can't you tell me your name?
Because I have too many names.
What name are you today?
Richard Burton.
Richard Burton?
You dumb little cunt.
Who do you think you're laughing at?
Haven't you ever been fucked
by a Richard Burton before?
Did you ever believe, believe
in your furthest imagination
that my immense pole would
be poked into your part?
Mm, yes, yes, but that
is not the question here.
The question is to come,
mm, or not to come.
Listen sweetheart, who do
you think you're laughing at?
I didn't like you when I first fucked ya
and I don't like you now.
I love Humphrey Bogart!
What are you laughing at?
Didn't I tell you not to
laugh at me, you Motherfucker?
Who do you think you're laughing at?
You're laughing at the fucking star.
No, no, don't do him, he makes me scared.
I don't like Peter Lorre.
Well.
But, but the person I want to be fucked by,
uh, you can do him.
Yeah? Who?
I can't tell you.
Who?
It's Groucho Marx.
Hm.
How about Kirk Douglas?
No. Groucho Marx.
Groucho Marx, huh?
Oui.
You wait here. I'm
gonna get my glasses.
Oh, that's you.
Oh?
Hi young lady.
If you say the secret word,
not only do you get this cock,
we'll give you Chico's cock.
This may lead to anything.
Entrer.
Caca.
Pee pee.
Au revoir.
Whoa.
Yeah?
Mais oui.
Mais oui.
I'm glad you're dead, you skunk fucker.
If you didn't kill
yourself sooner or later,
I'd have killed ya.
Look at this place.
You see anybody here besides me?
If only the skunks you fucked were here,
the place would be SRO, sold out.
But nobody's showin' up.
You wanna know why?
Because you're a skunk fucker!
You weren't even a good wife.
You know why you weren't a good wife?
Did you ever cook
a meal for me? Hm?
Why not?
Isn't that what they're
supposed to do, wives?
Cook for their husbands?
But I didn't care about that.
You don't have to cook for me.
Did you have a sew for me? Hm?
Darn my socks?
I heard that once.
I don't remember where I
heard it, but I heard it once.
When a woman marries a man,
that's what she's supposed to do.
Darn his socks!
In all the years we were married,
none of those things ever bothered me.
But you, you, you lousy skunk fucker.
You're a skunking, fucking skunking fucking
skunk fucker, skunky!
The one thing I wanted from
you, you couldn't give me!
I wanted a child!
Oh!
Paul.
Oh.
Yeah, ma.
Stanley Beck.
Eh, Stanley Beck.
Al Pacino.
Sacheen Littlefeather.
Oh yes, Littlefeather.
Gary Cooper.
Marcus Rydell.
Ben Turpin.
Oh yes.
Jon Voight.
Oh and Faye Dunaway.
Sauvier Peugeot.
Charlie Band.
Antonio Lee.
Ele ele ele ele ele.
Mila.
George Putnam.
Donald Duck?
Listen, we've been humping a long time now
and you know, you ain't
once caught my joint.
But I have never done that before.
I have no talent, you know, really.
Ha, you don't need any talents.
All you need is your mouth.
But uh...
Really you, you know, you want me to...
Come on. Whip some
skull on me, bitch.
I will try.
Um, I want to ask how come
I always have no clothes
and you have clothes?
I, uh, I chill quick.
Come on, dive.
Um...
I suppose when you come,
you want me to swallow it?
Yeah.
Yeah I want you to swallow.
Don't you love me?
I will.
I will try.
Come on.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh!
Charlie!
All right, all right, up.
I would rather not swallow it.
Why? What do you mean
you don't wanna swallow it?
Would you really mind
if I did not swallow it?
All right, all right.
Don't, don't...
Get outta here. Don't...
All right, don't. Get out.
All right.
Don't swallow it.
It's not I don't love you.
Yeah.
I really want to swallow it.
All right.
Don't swallow it.
If you don't wanna swallow
it, don't swallow it.
I don't mind.
You don't mind if I don't swallow it?
Will you get outta here?
Go in the bathroom.
Hola.
It's for you.
It's your Mother.
Hello mama.
I swallowed it.
Uh, oui.
Oui?
Keep rolling.
Keep rolling.
Oh baby.
Oh yes.
Keep rolling.
Are you rolling?
You are a very bitter man.
Yeah?
You'd be bitter, too, if you
come from where I come from.
I had me a rough life.
My father was a drunk.
My Mother was a drunk.
My grandMother was a drunk.
My grandfather was a drunk.
All the animals on our farm used to drink.
Everybody was drunk all the time.
This one night...
This one night, I got all dressed up
to take my girl to a dance
because I like to dance,
especially the Foxtrot, you know?
My father made me late because,
because I had to flick
a couple more chickens.
So I asked him if he would flick 'em.
He told me, "Oh fluck you."
Anyhow, I was in a hurry
and I didn't have time
to change my shoes.
You see I...
You see, I had chicken shit all over 'em.
In fact they, they called
me that for a long time.
Chicken shit shoes.
Later on, in the car, they smell
the chicken shit, you know?
Wake up!
What do you want?
Let me see your fingers.
My fingers?
Yeah.
That's a nice one.
Nah.
That's a nice one.
That's, that's okay, too.
Stick 'em up my nose.
Your nose?
Stick 'em.
But I never did that before.
Stick 'em!
Okay.
Yeah.
You cunt!
You got a hang nail!
Yeah, yeah.
Ooh.
Ah.
No!
Ugh.
No!
Don't be difficult.
Cut this shit out now.
Shit, I told you I'll try.
God.
Eh.
All right, it's gonna be difficult.
Now will you leave me alone?
We gotta talk to him.
La pere!
Yeah, will you...
Come on, will you...
Uh, Father, you speak English?
Oh, you speak English?
Yeah, yeah. That's good.
Well I'm from Ireland, you know.
I've been in Paris now for almost 10 years.
I'm glad you speak English.
- It's a very nice country.
We're here Father, 'cause
we want a burial, you see?
Oh, I see.
Her son and my wife died and uh-
- Oh, your son.
- And we want to get a burial.
- I see.
The very best.
You know father, I think,
I think I better level with you.
You see, uh, it was a suicide.
I beg you pardon?
Are you telling me that
the deceased is a suicide?
Yeah.
Oh, now that presents a problem.
We wanna get a burial,
the very best you got.
Well that's-
- Mass, yeah, we want a big mass.
The church is not allowed to bury suicides.
Yeah, father, I know about
that, but there are exceptions.
Maybe...
There are no exceptions.
Don't you understand, it's the church law.
Maybe you can make an
exception in this case, yeah.
Yeah, now you get
yourself a new frock, huh?
No, no, no. The money
has nothing to do with it.
You can't...
Please take this back.
You're embarrassing me.
- What are you doin'?
What are you doin', huh?
- Take it back-
- What are you,
are you pushin' for pope or somethin', hm?
- No, no, it's not that.
- Here.
Here.
- It's the church law.
Get yourself a nun.
- Stop.
- No, that's for you.
Do what you want with it.
This is a very good sum of money,
but I'm not allowed to
take anything like that.
You see, I remember in 1937 just shortly
after I was ordained-
- You know, you really are a shitty Father.
You're acting like a
real putz, you know that?
- A what?
- Putz!
- I beg your pardon.
What'd you just say to me?
You're a prick.
You stop that now. You want
me to call the police on you?
What kind of language is that, you heathen.
You wouldn't bury your Mother, cock sucker.
Oh, g...
What did you...
A little respect for the woman you're with.
What kind of language is that-Asshole.
Why you...
What a dirty cock sucker Motherfucker,
sucker fucker, trying to break my balls.
Ooh.
Hiya baby.
Hiya baby you-
- What's that?
What's that? Wet sheets?
What's that? You couldn't
wait for me, you dirty cunt!
Look how much you've come already!
Shit!
But my lover, I was here
so long waiting for you
and you never came to see me.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I had a lovely dream anyway.
Hand me that butter.
- That is margarine.
- Shut up!
I know what butter is.
What are you doing?
- Shut up.
- Are you crazy?
You do this to me?
Dumb cunt, you coming all
over the place without me.
You do this to me every time I see you.
I told you it was margarine.
- Oh who gives a fuck?
I'm on a diet anyway.
Are you nuts?
Oh, take this butter off of me.
Am I the best you ever had?
Oui.
Fuckin' A.
You'd do anything for me, wouldn't you?
Oui.
Yeah, now repeat after
me or I'll stop doin' it.
Oh no, don't stop.
Say, "I hate my
fuckin' Mother."
I cannot say this.
Say it or I'll stop doing it.
I hate my fucking Mother.
Louder.
I hate my fucking Mother.
Am I hurtin' ya?
No.
Say I hate my fuckin' church.
No, I cannot say that.
Why?
I'm an atheist.
No jokes, you dumb fuck.
You're breakin' the rhythm.
You'd do anything for me, wouldn't ya?
- Oui.
- Yeah.
Am I hurtin' ya?
No.
Would you fuck a skunk for me?
A skunk?
Oui, a skunk.
Hm, oui, I would fuck a skunk.
Good.
Good.
That's good.
Am I hurtin' ya?
No.
Hand me that guitar.
Oh.
Are you going to play for me?
No.
I'm gonna shove it up your ass!
Oh, you filthy fucker!
You shove it up your own ass!
Is it somethin' I said?
Sweetheart?
Sweetheart?
Sweetheart?
Hiya, baby.
What are you doing in my house anyway?
Can't you see I'm getting married?
Go away.
I told you it is
over. It is finished.
Go away.
Yeah.
That's that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I was thinking, where am I going?
I don't
know. Just go.
Can't you see I'm getting married?
Now wait a minute.
I know I haven't got much to offer.
I had my balls shot off
by a cannon in Cuba.
I need somebody to look
after my hemorrhoids
and my prostate, it's the
size of a Mississippi Mellon.
But my rod is in good shape.
You know, my uh, my pee pee...
My birdie.
My poo poo.
Poo poo, poo poo. Can't
you say prick like anyone?
Yeah, I mean my dinky,
my do-do wig wham dingalinga poo poo.
You are crazy, and this is my house.
Go away.
But seriously, honey.
I'm in love with you and
I wanna know your name.
You want to know my name?
Mais oui. This is my name.
Are you sore because I
asked you to swallow it?
Gee...
And I thought I was touchy
about giving my name.
Now hold it.
Oh, you give good shoe.
Good, good.
Are you kidding me?
God.
One dance won't hurt.
Caca.
Pee pee.
Caca pee pee.
Hiya baby.
If I hold you forever
You need to hold
your hands in mine
Would it make you feel
like you're on fire
And if I tell you, baby that
Your soul, it's so fine
Can I count on
your love forever
Now I'm cryin'
Because I knew
about you and I know
That you loved each other
That you touched each other
Why'd you do this to me
Why did you hurt me
Do you know how
much I loved you
Girl, you meant
the world to me
You were my lover
And now, now it's over
You wanna know why
It's over
It's over
You wanna know why it's over
Because, because you're
dead you skunk fucker
Tried to hump my motorcycle
You stripped my gear
You tried to fuck my head
And now you're dead
Oh, Merdo
Where'd you go, Merdo
Are you far
Are you near
Merdo, Merdo
Oh Merdo
Oh, Merdo
Fuck you, Merdo
Fuck you, baby
Fuck you, Merdo
Oh shit, shit Merdo
Fuck you baby
Fuck you
Fuck you
Merdo's shit
I love you, I love
you and I'm sorry
And I'm sorry
You didn't piss on Brando.
Okay, mama.
Bye-bye.
Oh.
Oh no.
Oh, the shithouse, eh?
There's no shithouse paper.
- Hey.
Oh.
Doo-dah, doo-dah
No madam.
No madam.
No madam.
Doo-dah, doo-dah
Oh, man.
Paul!
Okay.
All right!
Oh.
Paul!
Oh, Paul.
Oh, Paul.
Oh, Paul.
Oh.
Get out.
Paul?
Get outta here!
I don't even know your name.
Oh, I can't tell you my name.
Why can't you tell me your name?
Because I have too many names.
What name are you today?
Richard Burton.
Richard Burton?
You dumb little cunt.
Who do you think you're laughing at?
Haven't you ever been fucked
by a Richard Burton before?
Did you ever believe, believe
in your furthest imagination
that my immense pole would
be poked into your part?
Mm, yes, yes, but that
is not the question here.
The question is to come,
mm, or not to come.
Listen sweetheart, who do
you think you're laughing at?
I didn't like you when I first fucked ya
and I don't like you now.
I love Humphrey Bogart!
What are you laughing at?
Didn't I tell you not to
laugh at me, you Motherfucker?
Who do you think you're laughing at?
You're laughing at the fucking star.
No, no, don't do him, he makes me scared.
I don't like Peter Lorre.
Well.
But, but the person I want to be fucked by,
uh, you can do him.
Yeah? Who?
I can't tell you.
Who?
It's Groucho Marx.
Hm.
How about Kirk Douglas?
No. Groucho Marx.
Groucho Marx, huh?
Oui.
You wait here. I'm
gonna get my glasses.
Oh, that's you.
Oh?
Hi young lady.
If you say the secret word,
not only do you get this cock,
we'll give you Chico's cock.
This may lead to anything.
Entrer.
Caca.
Pee pee.
Au revoir.
Whoa.
Yeah?
Mais oui.
Mais oui.
I'm glad you're dead, you skunk fucker.
If you didn't kill
yourself sooner or later,
I'd have killed ya.
Look at this place.
You see anybody here besides me?
If only the skunks you fucked were here,
the place would be SRO, sold out.
But nobody's showin' up.
You wanna know why?
Because you're a skunk fucker!
You weren't even a good wife.
You know why you weren't a good wife?
Did you ever cook
a meal for me? Hm?
Why not?
Isn't that what they're
supposed to do, wives?
Cook for their husbands?
But I didn't care about that.
You don't have to cook for me.
Did you have a sew for me? Hm?
Darn my socks?
I heard that once.
I don't remember where I
heard it, but I heard it once.
When a woman marries a man,
that's what she's supposed to do.
Darn his socks!
In all the years we were married,
none of those things ever bothered me.
But you, you, you lousy skunk fucker.
You're a skunking, fucking skunking fucking
skunk fucker, skunky!
The one thing I wanted from
you, you couldn't give me!
I wanted a child!
Oh!
Paul.
Oh.
Yeah, ma.
Stanley Beck.
Eh, Stanley Beck.
Al Pacino.
Sacheen Littlefeather.
Oh yes, Littlefeather.
Gary Cooper.
Marcus Rydell.
Ben Turpin.
Oh yes.
Jon Voight.
Oh and Faye Dunaway.
Sauvier Peugeot.
Charlie Band.
Antonio Lee.
Ele ele ele ele ele.
Mila.
George Putnam.
Donald Duck?
Listen, we've been humping a long time now
and you know, you ain't
once caught my joint.
But I have never done that before.
I have no talent, you know, really.
Ha, you don't need any talents.
All you need is your mouth.
But uh...
Really you, you know, you want me to...
Come on. Whip some
skull on me, bitch.
I will try.
Um, I want to ask how come
I always have no clothes
and you have clothes?
I, uh, I chill quick.
Come on, dive.
Um...
I suppose when you come,
you want me to swallow it?
Yeah.
Yeah I want you to swallow.
Don't you love me?
I will.
I will try.
Come on.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh!
Charlie!
All right, all right, up.
I would rather not swallow it.
Why? What do you mean
you don't wanna swallow it?
Would you really mind
if I did not swallow it?
All right, all right.
Don't, don't...
Get outta here. Don't...
All right, don't. Get out.
All right.
Don't swallow it.
It's not I don't love you.
Yeah.
I really want to swallow it.
All right.
Don't swallow it.
If you don't wanna swallow
it, don't swallow it.
I don't mind.
You don't mind if I don't swallow it?
Will you get outta here?
Go in the bathroom.
Hola.
It's for you.
It's your Mother.
Hello mama.
I swallowed it.
Uh, oui.
Oui?
Keep rolling.
Keep rolling.
Oh baby.
Oh yes.
Keep rolling.
Are you rolling?
You are a very bitter man.
Yeah?
You'd be bitter, too, if you
come from where I come from.
I had me a rough life.
My father was a drunk.
My Mother was a drunk.
My grandMother was a drunk.
My grandfather was a drunk.
All the animals on our farm used to drink.
Everybody was drunk all the time.
This one night...
This one night, I got all dressed up
to take my girl to a dance
because I like to dance,
especially the Foxtrot, you know?
My father made me late because,
because I had to flick
a couple more chickens.
So I asked him if he would flick 'em.
He told me, "Oh fluck you."
Anyhow, I was in a hurry
and I didn't have time
to change my shoes.
You see I...
You see, I had chicken shit all over 'em.
In fact they, they called
me that for a long time.
Chicken shit shoes.
Later on, in the car, they smell
the chicken shit, you know?
Wake up!
What do you want?
Let me see your fingers.
My fingers?
Yeah.
That's a nice one.
Nah.
That's a nice one.
That's, that's okay, too.
Stick 'em up my nose.
Your nose?
Stick 'em.
But I never did that before.
Stick 'em!
Okay.
Yeah.
You cunt!
You got a hang nail!
Yeah, yeah.
Ooh.
Ah.
No!
Ugh.
No!
Don't be difficult.
Cut this shit out now.
Shit, I told you I'll try.
God.
Eh.
All right, it's gonna be difficult.
Now will you leave me alone?
We gotta talk to him.
La pere!
Yeah, will you...
Come on, will you...
Uh, Father, you speak English?
Oh, you speak English?
Yeah, yeah. That's good.
Well I'm from Ireland, you know.
I've been in Paris now for almost 10 years.
I'm glad you speak English.
- It's a very nice country.
We're here Father, 'cause
we want a burial, you see?
Oh, I see.
Her son and my wife died and uh-
- Oh, your son.
- And we want to get a burial.
- I see.
The very best.
You know father, I think,
I think I better level with you.
You see, uh, it was a suicide.
I beg you pardon?
Are you telling me that
the deceased is a suicide?
Yeah.
Oh, now that presents a problem.
We wanna get a burial,
the very best you got.
Well that's-
- Mass, yeah, we want a big mass.
The church is not allowed to bury suicides.
Yeah, father, I know about
that, but there are exceptions.
Maybe...
There are no exceptions.
Don't you understand, it's the church law.
Maybe you can make an
exception in this case, yeah.
Yeah, now you get
yourself a new frock, huh?
No, no, no. The money
has nothing to do with it.
You can't...
Please take this back.
You're embarrassing me.
- What are you doin'?
What are you doin', huh?
- Take it back-
- What are you,
are you pushin' for pope or somethin', hm?
- No, no, it's not that.
- Here.
Here.
- It's the church law.
Get yourself a nun.
- Stop.
- No, that's for you.
Do what you want with it.
This is a very good sum of money,
but I'm not allowed to
take anything like that.
You see, I remember in 1937 just shortly
after I was ordained-
- You know, you really are a shitty Father.
You're acting like a
real putz, you know that?
- A what?
- Putz!
- I beg your pardon.
What'd you just say to me?
You're a prick.
You stop that now. You want
me to call the police on you?
What kind of language is that, you heathen.
You wouldn't bury your Mother, cock sucker.
Oh, g...
What did you...
A little respect for the woman you're with.
What kind of language is that-Asshole.
Why you...
What a dirty cock sucker Motherfucker,
sucker fucker, trying to break my balls.
Ooh.
Hiya baby.
Hiya baby you-
- What's that?
What's that? Wet sheets?
What's that? You couldn't
wait for me, you dirty cunt!
Look how much you've come already!
Shit!
But my lover, I was here
so long waiting for you
and you never came to see me.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I had a lovely dream anyway.
Hand me that butter.
- That is margarine.
- Shut up!
I know what butter is.
What are you doing?
- Shut up.
- Are you crazy?
You do this to me?
Dumb cunt, you coming all
over the place without me.
You do this to me every time I see you.
I told you it was margarine.
- Oh who gives a fuck?
I'm on a diet anyway.
Are you nuts?
Oh, take this butter off of me.
Am I the best you ever had?
Oui.
Fuckin' A.
You'd do anything for me, wouldn't you?
Oui.
Yeah, now repeat after
me or I'll stop doin' it.
Oh no, don't stop.
Say, "I hate my
fuckin' Mother."
I cannot say this.
Say it or I'll stop doing it.
I hate my fucking Mother.
Louder.
I hate my fucking Mother.
Am I hurtin' ya?
No.
Say I hate my fuckin' church.
No, I cannot say that.
Why?
I'm an atheist.
No jokes, you dumb fuck.
You're breakin' the rhythm.
You'd do anything for me, wouldn't ya?
- Oui.
- Yeah.
Am I hurtin' ya?
No.
Would you fuck a skunk for me?
A skunk?
Oui, a skunk.
Hm, oui, I would fuck a skunk.
Good.
Good.
That's good.
Am I hurtin' ya?
No.
Hand me that guitar.
Oh.
Are you going to play for me?
No.
I'm gonna shove it up your ass!
Oh, you filthy fucker!
You shove it up your own ass!
Is it somethin' I said?
Sweetheart?
Sweetheart?
Sweetheart?
Hiya, baby.
What are you doing in my house anyway?
Can't you see I'm getting married?
Go away.
I told you it is
over. It is finished.
Go away.
Yeah.
That's that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I was thinking, where am I going?
I don't
know. Just go.
Can't you see I'm getting married?
Now wait a minute.
I know I haven't got much to offer.
I had my balls shot off
by a cannon in Cuba.
I need somebody to look
after my hemorrhoids
and my prostate, it's the
size of a Mississippi Mellon.
But my rod is in good shape.
You know, my uh, my pee pee...
My birdie.
My poo poo.
Poo poo, poo poo. Can't
you say prick like anyone?
Yeah, I mean my dinky,
my do-do wig wham dingalinga poo poo.
You are crazy, and this is my house.
Go away.
But seriously, honey.
I'm in love with you and
I wanna know your name.
You want to know my name?
Mais oui. This is my name.
Are you sore because I
asked you to swallow it?
Gee...
And I thought I was touchy
about giving my name.
Now hold it.
Oh, you give good shoe.
Good, good.
Are you kidding me?
God.
One dance won't hurt.
Caca.
Pee pee.
Caca pee pee.
Hiya baby.
If I hold you forever
You need to hold
your hands in mine
Would it make you feel
like you're on fire
And if I tell you, baby that
Your soul, it's so fine
Can I count on
your love forever
Now I'm cryin'
Because I knew
about you and I know
That you loved each other
That you touched each other
Why'd you do this to me
Why did you hurt me
Do you know how
much I loved you
Girl, you meant
the world to me
You were my lover
And now, now it's over
You wanna know why
It's over
It's over
You wanna know why it's over
Because, because you're
dead you skunk fucker
Tried to hump my motorcycle
You stripped my gear
You tried to fuck my head
And now you're dead
Oh, Merdo
Where'd you go, Merdo
Are you far
Are you near
Merdo, Merdo
Oh Merdo
Oh, Merdo
Fuck you, Merdo
Fuck you, baby
Fuck you, Merdo
Oh shit, shit Merdo
Fuck you baby
Fuck you
Fuck you
Merdo's shit
I love you, I love
you and I'm sorry
And I'm sorry