Last Train to Christmas (2021) Movie Script
'Good afternoon everybody.
Welcome aboard the 15:05
from St Pancras to Nottingham.
I would like to take this
opportunity to welcome you on board
and wish you all a very merry
Christmas.'
Shakin' Stevens: Merry Christmas
- Everyone
No, no, no, no. Not that way, love.
Not that way. Down here.
Good morning, good morning.
Ooh.
Hey, do you want some bubbly?
Sue! Come on.
We're gonna have some bubbly.
They don't do champagne, do they?
They do for Tony Towers.
Here y'are, love.
Can you give us a hand
with those there?
Hey, do you like clubbing?
What?
Any weeknight, week night.
Bring this card, tell 'em
Tony Towers sent you.
Right, now, everyone...
who wants to join us for champers?
You're all welcome.
Ooh, yes!
How many? Yes?
One, three, four, five, six, seven...
Tony.
What? What?
Tony.
We're gonna have champagne,
we're gonna have, er...
What's it...
Now That's What I Call Music 5!
Tony, stop it. Stop it!
What?! We're celebrating!
Sorry about this.
He's just a little over excited.
Don't worry, we'll keep it down.
Oi, you!
Sue!
Get off!
Right, let's get this
party started, eh?!
Oh, Tony, where you going?
They're getting on any minute.
I'll be back before Luton.
But I feel nervous, Tone.
Sue.
Darling.
What you gotta be nervous about?
After what Roger did to me,
he's the one who should be nervous.
Listen,
don't you worry your
pretty little head about it.
OK.
Tell you what.
What?
You and me...
Hmm.
can have a little look around
Tiffany's when
we're back.
It's too much, Tone.
OK, Ratners.
I don't need any more presents!
What, you don't like 'em?
It's just sometimes,
it feels like you're showing me off.
Well, what's wrong with that?
You're beautiful. Mmm.
And you're gonna be the new
Mrs Tony Towers.
People are interested in what I do.
But we're gonna have a family.
We... we're gonna what?
Well, not right now.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Well, at least I thought we were.
No, right now's probably not
the perfect... what?
You know I wanna have ten kids.
Christ! Are we having a family
or playing five-a-side?
And I wanna live in Norfolk.
Oooh, that's a commute.
And I want us to wear chunky
jumpers and drink soup.
Now that we can do.
I'll be two minutes.
Honestly, I'm not going anywhere.
I'll be here.
Oh, Sue, sorry.
Do you-do you mind sitting here?
I just-
don't like going backwards.
Yeah.
Only for you.
Mwah.
Right, champagne for everyone!
Merry Christmas.
Tickets?
I'm just nipping to the buffet.
Oh, good for you,
where's your ticket?
Really?
I'm only gonna be two...
what?
There was-I had...
My fiance must have them.
Oh, your fiance.
Yeah, we're tying the knot in June.
Congratulations.
Look, I'm...
I'm Tony Towers.
Good for you.
Now where's your ticket?
I'm famous.
Are you now?
Tell him who I am.
You what?
She'll tell you who I am.
I recognise ya.
See?
Are you a carpet fitter?
What?
No, you sell shammies on
Bulwell market!
No! I'm... No!
I'm-I'm Tony Towers!
The Astoria in Nottingham!
The what?
What's that phrase,
'you're only famous
if someone knows who you are'.
Well, we don't know who you are.
It's the biggest club in
the midlands.
Where is it again?
Listen, you like music, er...
Morris. What-
what music do you like?
I like metal.
You play metal at this club?
Not so much.
'Luton is your next stop.
Next stop, Luton.'
Look, she's waiting for me,
I- I just gotta get...
Look, my fiance has never met
my brother or his wife.
She's nervous,
I just need two minutes
to get to the buffet.
Now, come on, Morris,
you're a reasonable man.
You've got tinsel on your head.
The full adult fare is
eighteen pounds ninety.
Really?
You're really gonna do thi-
Merry Christmas.
Sue, have you seen my tickets?
They were in my wallet...
Is that them?
Is that Roger?
No, he's ginger.
I can't find...
Ginger? How'd that happen?
That's them.
How did they know to
stand right there?
Yeah, well, that's Roger for you.
I can't get to the buffet
without the tickets.
Oh, Tony, I'm shaking.
It's fine, where are they?
Er, in your wallet?
No, I've looked there!
Are they in your bag?
You won't believe this, Sue.
There's a girl,
in the next carriage,
never heard of m-this is crazy!
I need them to get the bubbly!
Oh, Tony. Forget about
your silly champagne!
I'm freaking out here!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. It's alright.
Shhh.
Everything alright?
What do you mean?
I assume this is Sue.
Oh, I was just about to introduce...
Well, bit slow aren't you Tony?
I'm Paula.
Hello.
Roger's somewhere behind this.
Sorry.
I wonder who bought you this?
Don't start. Lovely to meet you.
Shouldn't I put it next to
my present from Auntie Vi?
Oh, here we go.
Hang on a minute, I can't do that
because I've already packed it
right at the bottom of my suitcase.
You know about this?
No.
Tone seems to think that our Auntie
Vi always bought me better presents.
There hasn't been a single...
'Seems to think'?!
One year he gets a guitar.
I get a pineapple.
It's hard to get back then.
Are you two going to sit down?
A pineapple.
Thirty years ago,
and he's still
going on about it.
Oh, sorry, Paula. I was-
do you mind-
I was gonna be sitting there.
Tone, don't.
I don't like going backwards.
Just sit down.
Wow.
I like her already.
It's lovely jewellery.
Oh, thank you.
Been splashing out, Tone?
Well, things are certainly busy.
Got six new clubs opening.
Six?
He's got six new clubs opening.
Gotta be ambitious, Roger.
I've always told you that.
Six, though?
And we're upgrading Nottingham.
Ten thousand square feet,
five minutes from Market Square.
What about Gary De Courcey's place?
Gone.
What?
Fire.
Oh.
You're kidding.
I'm not.
Why's that so funny?
Well, nightclubs never 'burn down'.
It's always an insurance job.
Always.
Well, even with Gary gone,
I still think it's a bit much, Tone.
Well, if you beg me...
I might just let you come back.
Aw.
Oh, no, no. That-
that's really not gonna happen Tony.
I'm very happy.
He's gonna try and convince you now
that he's still in show business.
I'm in the music business.
Oh yeah?
Hardly.
What do you do, Roger?
Those headphones that broke
ten minutes after you bought 'em?
I work for Saisho.
Ask him what part of
Japan that's from.
It's Dixon's own brand-
Stevenage.
That well known suburb of Tokyo.
Listen, Tony.
When he stops selling five million
personal stereos a year,
he'll give you a call, alright?
Oh, oh, cheers, Sue!
Oh, what? It's funny.
I really like her.
Huh. Right, I'm getting that bubbly.
What?
He wants to celebrate
our engagement.
If only I could find the-
tickets.
You a bit strapped for cash, Tony?
Fine, thank you, Paula.
You're not gonna bail him out again,
are you?
It's OK, I'm good.
I don't quite know how
to put this, Sue.
But, er, you do know Tony
likes to tap people-
Paula, will you just...!
What?
You in a bit of trouble, Tone?
No, why?
You asked him to come back.
I didn't ask him.
Six clubs is a bit crazy.
I said if you begged me.
How much you borrowing?
It was gonna be eight clubs.
Rubbish.
I know this is hard for you
to accept, Roger.
But I'm doing perfectly
well without you.
I'm just concer-
Well, I don't need your concern.
I've managed to keep that club
going perfectly well
despite the fact
that you left me in the shit.
OK. Champagne.
Oh my God, it's Tony Towers.
It's not, is it?
He looks like a tramp!
Alright, girls?
Bye-bye.
What's going on?
You talk to him.
I'm not talking him.
I ain't talking to him!
You talk to him!
The buffet car-the bar.
Is it-is it this way?
I think he's had enough already.
Don't be shy, I don't bite!
Tony's a pervert!
Hey!
Come on, now! Let's all be nice.
Right, I'm-I'm Tony.
We know.
This happens to me all the time.
I get it.
I get it, it's exciting.
What?
She recognised ya,
I don't recognise ya.
She's quite a bit older than me.
Piss off.
There's only three years diff-
Now look what you made me do,
you silly cow.
Are we at thirty-two already?
Alright, alright.
Alright, listen, you two.
You have a good night, OK?
'Bedford.
Your next station stop is Bedford.'
'Hello?'
'Yeah, OK.'
'Nottingham.'
'Yeah, OK.'
'Five. Five o'clock.'
Yeah, OK.
Five, alright. Thank you.
'Bye.'
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, God!
Are you alright?
Mate, mate, are you alright?!
God, he looks like death warmed up.
It, it's OK Tony,
we're only having a bit of fun.
Yeah, we weren't taking
the piss, honest.
He was right.
Who-who was right?
Roger.
They all failed.
Alright, look.
I'll tell you what...
um, everyone just back up, yeah?
Let's just give him some space.
You gonna be alright?
OK, OK. OK.
Slow it down, Tony. Slow it...
Alright.
Think this through a minute.
Mate, come have a sit down.
This some sort of joke, is it?
Having a good laugh, are we?
Turn Tony Towers into a failure?
Oh, hilarious.
Well, you know what?
That ain't gonna happen.
Tony Towers don't fail.
Tony! You did it!
What did I tell ya!
Champagne all round!
Here y'are, have that.
Enjoy. Merry Christmas.
Am I not a man of my word?
Here y'are, have a box.
Listen, Tony.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
It came out all wrong...
Come back.
What?
You're right. Six clubs is stupid.
I walked out, Tony.
You're what I need.
You're my-you're my Phil Spector.
You're my Tony Visconti.
That's very nice of you to say bu-
It'd be different this time.
Tell me what I did wrong.
You really want to know?
Yes.
You never gave me credit, for one.
You called it Tony Towers Astoria,
even though we agreed to call
it the Mighty Towers.
And you said we were
gonna go fifty-fifty.
I'll make it sixty-forty.
It's a different business now, Tony.
Foam parties, wet t-shirts,
it's-it's-it's not me.
If the clubs don't work,
that's it.
The house,
everything.
Look, let-let's not kid ourselves.
This was always your thing-
I'm serious, Rodge.
When you're there,
it works.
Just look at the business plan.
Sure.
But I can tell you right now
what I'm gonna say.
What?
Just open one new club.
Where you going?
I'll be back in a sec.
Anthony?
Auntie Vi!
Oh!
Come here, my dear.
How lovely to see you!
Oh!
Your mum said you might be
home for Christmas.
How you holding up?
Fine.
I was sorry to hear your news.
You were?
You must be devastated.
Sure.
Which parts...
do you know?
Your mum told me everything.
She did?
Yes.
And what did-what did she say?
She said you were doing as well
as could be expected.
Well,
it's been...
difficult.
Yes.
Have you spoken to...
To?
Anyone?
Like who?
Someone who could listen.
Not really.
Oh, you should.
I will.
I passed it, last week.
You did?
In a taxi.
Right, how is it?
It's horrible, Anthony.
I know.
All that work you put into it.
Yes.
And what with the recession
and that.
Right.
And now just gone.
Gone.
Did they ever find the cause?
The cause?
Electrics or...?
Or?
Oh, I do hope someone didn't
start it on purpose.
Ah.
The fire.
Such a waste.
I mean, what are the chances of
both clubs going up like that?
Slim, yeah.
Oh,
your thing's going.
You don't deserve it, Anthony.
On top of everything else.
Everything else?
You know,
with Sue.
Sue?
That was very unfair.
She seemed so nice.
But that girl,
I think she had a plan all along.
Really?
I think some people see
an opportunity and take it.
You probably don't want to
hear this, Anthony.
But I've always thought you were a
little too trusting of people.
People take what they want
and then they disappear.
Just like that.
You need to think of yourself,
Tony.
About what you want.
Because nobody else is going to.
OK, I will.
I always said that to your brother.
Now I'm telling you.
Wait, is Roger on the train?
I doubt it.
Why?
He doesn't take the train anymore.
No?
Doesn't have the time.
Course.
'Cause he travels by...
Helicopter.
Mostly.
Course he does.
Sony keep him very busy.
Oh, I'm sure they do. Yeah, yeah.
Let me take a wild guess,
that one's for him?
What do you mean?
No, no, it's-
it's just a stupid joke
me and Roger used to make.
I was always convinced that
you got him better presents than me.
I'm sure there's nothing in it.
I don't know if you
remember, but, er,
You got me a pineapple...
Auntie, wh-what's wrong?
I was never very good at
all that, Anthony.
I wasn't your mother.
It was only a present.
Just wasn't me.
It's fine!
I love pineapple.
Look, have a-have a tissue.
I'm sorry.
I was too scared.
Auntie!
Auntie Vi!
Scared of what-
Jona Lewie: Stop The Cavalry
limited range so
the songs had to be simple.
Tone Deaf Tony, I used to call him.
Tony, you never told me
you two had a band together.
Well, it was a very long time ago.
Sue, can I have wor-
Look what else I found.
Our first and only recording.
You had a single?!
Well, sort of.
It was this booth.
They had one at Waterloo station.
You had sixty-five seconds to
record anything you liked.
I suppose you could say this
is a limited edition.
Limited to one.
We thought we were a skiffle band!
I have no idea what that is.
Well, we weren't brilliant.
We had enthusiasm
and that's about it.
Speak for yourself.
And only four songs.
Four good songs.
Hmm.
Those the ones you tried to sing?
What do you mean 'tried' to sing?
What, are you not into his music?
I like some of it.
Oh,
that's a ringing endorsement.
I like music from my own gen...
Oh, no, don't say it. Don't say it!
I like chart music.
This is what I'm dealing with.
That's not what I call music!
Sue, could I have a word?
Oh, yeah.
What is it? What's wrong?
Sue, what...
why do you like me?
Tony, what do you mean?
Well, what, what are the things
that you like about me.
Everything.
Yeah, I'm, I'm serious.
What is it?
I'm fun, I'm-I'm successful.
Are you fishing for compliments?
No, no, no, no.
I just mean, you know, if,
if things were different, if,
if things...
changed. If I changed...
Why? What's happened?
I lost all this.
Lets say I had nothing.
Are you trying to make out
like I'm shallow?
Not really.
Like all I care about is
jewellery and coats.
I just wanna know what you want.
Is that what you think of me?
To tell the truth, I hardly know ya.
Tony.
How can you say that?
We're getting married.
Do you know what that means?
Yeah, I've done it before.
And did you ask Linda
these questions?
No, because Linda and I should
never have got married.
We did it because we had to.
She thinks I ruined her life,
she's turned my son against me.
I haven't seen him for five years.
You haven't seen him for five years?
I know why he's angry.
I- I-I don't know what
Linda's told him.
What, she's lying to him?
Well...
she, she, you know, she's-
she's probably embellishing it a bit.
Embellishing what?
Uh, when...
you know what I'm like.
What the hell does that mean?
Was like. Was like.
I worked in nightclubs, Sue.
Things were...
What?
Exciting.
Hm.
You still work in nightclubs.
I'm just telling you how it was,
I'm being honest.
You think I want that to happen - again?
- I don't know Tony.
You tell me.
You've got six new clubs opening.
How 'exciting' is that gonna be?
They're all gonna fail, Sue.
What?
All of them.
And you're gonna end up married
to a loser, who's old, and broke.
So let me ask you again,
why do you like me?
Tony, Tony, Tony.
I wouldn't blame you, Sue.
Tone.
You know what, if I fail-
Tony, I love you.
(And I want to marry you.
All this crap,
I don't want any of it.
Sell it, I don't care.
And you are not a loser.
And I'm here for you whatever,
whether it's a success or not.
But you have to promise me
one thing.
What?
All the excitement you need
is right here.
Get a room.
Now,
you make those clubs work.
But I need Roger.
Well then persuade him.
Nah, it's too late for that.
I've tried.
Try harder.
There's gotta be a way.
I don't like going backwards.
You what?
Tony, where you going?
Girls?
Carols singing
Bells are ringing
Santa Claus...
Dad, it's your go.
Ugh, this game, it's taking
longer than the real War.
Where've you been?
Even a Nazi has to take a leak,
Linda.
Dad, are you playing?!
Roger, can I have a word?
I'm in the middle of game.
For goodness sake, Tony. Can't you
see he's upset. Just roll the dice.
Seven.
Um.
Tony, that's my piece.
Can you not touch that?
Girls, do you wanna take over?
Roger, have you got a sec?
No. Move!
No, Dad! Don't ruin it!
We don't want to play.
Dad, please.
Tony, you're gonna make him cry.
Can you please move.
OK, OK, OK. Um...
Dad, you're doing it wrong!
Jesus Christ, Tony.
What is the matter with you?
Tony!
Dad, no!
What?
Put him in solitary confinement.
Have I?
He's only ten.
You could've come after me.
Why do you have to win at everything?
This game's stupid!
Oh, Sean!
Hey, hey, hey! I was just...
What, following orders?
We can play again!
Sorry,
I don't know why
he's acting like this.
Come on. Let's just
put everything back where it was.
No, Tony. You can't just put it back
and fix it, Tony. It's done.
I'm sorry, love.
I didn't realise. I-
honestly, I ma-I made a mistake.
Can we get that in writing?
What do you want?
Do you want some sweets?
Some chocolate.
Yeah? Alr... er, fruit and nut?
Er, Marathon?
Er, a Wispa bar?
What the hell is a Wispa bar?
OK, what do you like?
He likes Aztec bars, Tony.
But you wouldn't know
about that, would you?
Can you help me pick up the rest of
the German security guards
off the floor, Tone?
Here.
We could use a few of
these in the club.
Weekends, a lot of money in there.
Well, let's do it.
Really?
Just do it.
This is not like you.
I want you to take more control,
Rodge.
You what?
What?
What's brought this on?
Nothing.
Club's doing well,
that's down to Roger as much as me.
We're gonna be the new Tramps
before you know it.
So, it's time we, er,
we clarified a few things.
I want people to know Roger's name
as much as mine.
Hey, girls. You want your dad
to be famous, don't you?
Tony, what are you doing?
It's the Mighty Towers, Rodge.
What do you reckon?
You serious?
Fifty fifty. I mean it.
We can shake on it now.
In front of everyone.
Yeah, go on then,
do it before he changes his mind.
OK.
Fifty fifty.
Bob on.
What are you up to, Tony?
Right, let's get that
Aztec bar then, shall we?
Does you do cobs?
Oh, you are kidding me.
You did do cobs, didn't you?
They do 'em on Southwest.
What about scotch eggs?
Eh?
I'll take whatever you've got, mate.
See I don't have no snap, see.
Oh, some change f' t' phone!
I'm dying to try it.
Please tell me I'm the first one.
It was originally designed
for the APT, but,
ha, we all know
what happened to that, don't we?
Even if we had had the advanced
passenger train,
it wouldn'ta made any difference
to me.
As it if was ever
gonna come to Nottingham!
Nottingham?
You're from Nottingham?
Take the lad out of Sneinton,
but you can't take the Sneinton...
What nightclub's are in Nottingham?
You what?
You know, big nightclubs?
It's not really my thing, pal.
Er,
there's Gary De Courcey's place...
No.
The Astoria?
Roger Towers.
You mean Roger Towers Astoria?
The Mighty Ta-ta-ta-ta.
Funny ads, them.
I've never been, myself.
It's a massive place, apparently.
Actually, it's an old loco shed...
What about Tony?
Who?
Tony Towers.
His brother.
Has he got a brother?
'Your next station is
Wellingborough.
Wellingborough is your next stop.'
I'll just have them
Mini Cheddars, and, er...
Can I have the rest of this in 10ps?
Hello?
What?
I need to phone my wife.
Your wife?
Well, I don't really
want to ring my wife.
I just want to try the new phone.
The what?
That.
That's it, that's it.
I'll take as many as you've got.
Right, hold these.
Oh, hang on, I thought I was-
Right you have to keep
pumping them in, you ready?
Could I go next?
Sure. You ready?
Ready.
Oh,
one, eight, double one, eight, oh,
five, five.
Go!
Hello!
'Hello?'
Hello?
'Hello?'
Can you hear me?
'Hello?!'
Is that Mrs Taylor? One sec.
Keep putting them in!
'Hello?'
Mrs Taylor!
'Hello?'
Er, it's Tony.
'Who?'
Tony Towers.
Um, is Sue there?
'Who?'
Sue. Sue Taylor. My fiance.
Come on, hurry up!
That's three quid already!
'Oh, Sue!'
Sue Taylor!
'Yeah, she's not called
Sue Taylor anymore, love.'
'She's Sue Pryce now.'
'Who is this?'
Hello?"
'Hello?'
'Who is this?'
Are you done?
Shall I stop?
She's not there, is she?
I've lost her.
We never meet.
You're mad! Don't do that!
You've gone mad!
I'll just have these Hula Hoops.
That's a Rumba bar.
He can't eat that, Tony.
It's got rum in it.
Is that true?
But I wanted an Aztec Bar.
He asks you for one thing.
Let me have a look what
I've got in my bag.
I'll have it if no one wants it.
Anyone?
Get your own.
Tony!
I'm sorry, I didn't
know you wanted it.
Whoa.
Tony, what is the matter with you?
Dad!
Tony, stop it.
And this is mine, too!
Tony!
Roger, I'm so sorry...
Anything else of mine you want?
Come on, pal. Y-you're tired.
You've had a big day.
I'm not tired!
And I don't need any help from you.
I thought we were gonna be partners?
You're nothing, Roger.
You're nothing without me.
You're a parasite. You just-
you just suck out all my good ideas.
Oh, I'm Tony Towers!
Not you! I'm Tony Towers!
Shhhh.
Tony, look at what you're doing.
Go and sell your crappy headphones.
What headphones? What you on about?
What have I done?
Oh, nothing. But you will.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
Come on, girls. I think we should
go sit somewhere else.
No, no, Paula, Tony should go.
Oh yeah, that's what you'd like.
You what?
You're never gonna give me
another chance, are ya?
No, not when you're acting
like this. No.
Right, come on.
Doesn't matter how I act.
Doesn't matter what I say.
You've already
made your mind up about me!
And who's fault is that?
Sean.
You complicated this, Tony.
You did everything to ruin it.
Do you think I wanted this?
I never wanted any of this, Tony!
But the fact is, this is how it is.
And there is nothing we can do
to change that.
You want a bet?!
There you are.
Where did you go?
What?
What is it?
You deserve a happier life, Linda.
Tony?
Tony?
Tony, what are you doing?
Ugh, I might've known
you'd take that with out.
He never lets go of it.
You can't play it in the toilet.
That's the only place for it.
You know, don't think for a second
that grandad will play it.
Best put it away, son.
I mean, heaven forbid they find out
you spent your first wage packet
on a record you can't even play.
That was a solid
apprenticeship, Anthony.
You're not going to get
anything like that again.
Two pound a week before tax?
He wants to be a singer.
He what? You want to be a what?
Trust me, son. You've got many
talents. But you're no Mario Lanza.
Music's not a job.
You need a trade.
Well then why's he got a guitar?
Who? Who's got a what?
Why's Roger got a guitar
from Auntie Vi?
Don't spoil it for him.
It's not much of a mystery.
He's only ten!
He's ruined it, Mum!
You're upsetting him, Anthony.
Fine, I'll leave it then.
Next to... whatever that could be.
You know, I know for a fact that
present was very hard to come by.
Yeah. Brought her to tears.
What's that?
What's he talking about?
She cried when I asked her about it.
Said she was scared or something.
Sh-she did what?
When did you see Auntie Vi?
What did you ask her?
Why she gave Roger better presents.
You never asked her that?
When was this?
Why did she cry?
What?
Arthur, don't.
What's going on?
He is ten?
He's too young, Arthur.
What is it?
You just be quiet, mind.
There's something funny here.
You won't half catch it in a minute!
Mum, what is it?
Roger, darling.
There are things,
adult things,
things that we'll talk about
when you're a bit more grown up.
OK?
When?
When you're older.
Fifteen, sixteen.
About Auntie Vi?
Perhaps, but we'll talk
about it then.
About why she buys me nice presents?
Well, that's part of it.
But as I-as I say,
you'll just have to wait.
I can't wait.
Well you'll have to.
We're not talking about this
anymore.
But Mum-
Roger, we're not talking
about this now and that's final!
I think it's time, Celia.
Anthony,
wait in the corridor
a minute please.
Kettering!
Next stop is Kettering!
Kettering!
That's great!
Hang on.
OK, go, wait, wait.
Go back to the beginning.
On the street
Move your f...
I got the desire...
Wait, keep going.
Seagulls of love...
of-above,
Seagulls above-
Wait, wait,
just give me that. Give me that.
It's not-
it's not bad.
There we go.
See out on the street
Moving your feet
Got the desire
So don't put out the fire
Why do you cry
When you look at the sky?
Maybe we're fine
A break in the clouds
Seagull-
Wait, wait, wait, er...
Shall we make that 'eagles', like,
eagles of love.
Eagles of...? Yeah, sure.
Yeah. Eagles of Love, yeah.
Eagles of love-
Flying above
Eagles of love
Woo!
That was amazing.
Who wrote that?
He did. Er, no, we did.
It's beautiful.
Amazing.
Well, I wrote the words actually.
Why don't you come and join us?
Er, are we allowed in here?
Absolutely not.
This is- I'm Ray Davies.
Yeah, and I'm Marc Bolan.
Who?
Yeah, come and have a seat.
Thank you.
Here you go. No worries.
Look at that. Look at that.
Better than a Soho trattoria.
Yeah, we're gonna need more plonk,
hang on a minute.
Are they drunk already?
- Wait, what's he doing?
- He's gonna make...
Roger, what you doing?
Hey, that's people's stuff. Roger!
Oh, hey!
Woo! Wah-hey!
Oi, pack it in, will ya?
Oi, you, you'll get us chucked off.
Who gives a shit? Bingo.
Here we go, girls.
Roger, you can't do that.
I do what I bloody well like.
Would Madame care for an aperitif?
Don't mind if I do.
Wah-hey!
Tony, are you done yet?
I could do with a hand.
Sorry, Valerie, do you wanna join us?
No, thank you, Roger.
Er, we got a bit carried away.
I can see that.
It's frightfully good here.
Yeah, I know it's terribly Chelsea.
Tony, I'm on my own here.
I need the loo
and Jenny's lost Perky.
Yeah, so you enjoy music,
I take it, yeah?
Who are those ladies?
That's a very good question, Jenny.
I think we'd all like to know.
Well, they're friends of Rogers.
You know what he's like.
I know what you're like.
Here you go,
have a little bit of this.
Mum!
Are you going to find her toy,
or what?
Look, I'm just, er-I'm gonna...
I'll be back.
Oh, what a dreadful shame.
How am I possibly going to
entertain these two on my own?
I'm sure you'll manage.
Listen to this, so-
- This is what you were just singing?
- Is Uncle Roger coming?
Yeah, er, but we were just
doing, let's sing-along.
No, your Uncle's busy.
Out on the street
Moving your feet
Got the desire,
Don't put out-
Darling.
This guy,
I don't like this wimpy guy.
This interview is not good for you.
Don't talk to him, darling.
I get rid of him.
You, go now.
You change this train.
We hardly started.
No interview for you.
You don't like the single.
It's-it's not about what I like.
- You think it's shit.
- I like parts of it.
Why you compare us
to the bloody Vumbers?!
- Vumbers?
- Vumbers?
Vumbers.
What are Vumbers?
Vumbers? Vumbers.
V-v-vumbers?
Vumbers.
I'm sorry, I don't...
Vumbers. Vumbers!
Remember you a vumber!
Oh! Er, Wombles?
Ja! Vumbers!
You think I'm a Womble?!
I- I never said that!
He wrote it, I can check it.
Well, I-I don't write
the whole paper.
I'm not a Womble, mate!
Look, I know!
I know you wanna be
taken seriously, yeah.
But you've only had
novelty success so far.
We sold twice as many as
the Vumbers!
So, if-if you want credibility,
you're gonna have to talk
to the music press.
Ja, but you twist it!
I will not twist it! I just...
I just want some answers that
make some sort of sense.
I can't use a word of this so far.
Tony is a genius.
Fine.
Then show me.
Tony.
Yeah.
We'll give you twenty minutes.
Good.
So, why don't you start
by helping me decipher
some of these song lyrics.
Let's start with the hit.
The hit?
Mmm. Eagles of Love.
Right.
Well, um,
originally it was called Sea-
Ow!
Ha! Bulls eye!
Bloody hell.
Roger! What the hell?!
What bollocks has he
been telling ya?
Nearly had me bleedin' head off.
Roger, you really lucky
not to kill him!
Ahh, pull your knickers out
your crack, Astrid. He's fine-
Hey, don't talk to her like that.
Roger, you sit next door.
Tony's doing his interview.
No, no.
He's got enough credit already.
What does that mean?
Like you don't know.
You feel Tony doesn't
speak for the band?
Course I don't!
This thing running?
Yeah.
Whoa, careful.
Roger...
Come on, Rodge. Come on now.
No, what, why? You getting
nervous, are we, Tony?
Worried your secret might come out?
Whoops! Oooh, ooh, naughty Roger!
Slap on the wrist!
Go and sit on the naughty step!
Maybe we should do this later.
That's what you'd like, isn't it?
Roger, mate.
Honestly, I don't know what
you're talking about.
Oohh, playing it like that, are we?
Roger, I'm not doing anything!
Yeah!
That's exactly the
problem right there!
I don't understand.
Too right!
So you're saying Tony's not involved
much in terms of creativity?
This twat couldn't play
the wobble board.
You stop this interview now.
No, no, no, no.
It's, it's alright, it's alright.
I wanna hear it.
Whatever's wrong, Roger,
we can sort it out.
Yeah, not with a tape recorder!
You my shrink now?
You're upset. I can see that.
What is it?
You really want to open that
can of worms, Tone?
Cos you know what's inside.
What?
Another can,
'brother'.
I just...
I just wanna make this work,
Rodge.
That's all I want.
OK, fine.
Let's do it!
Let's get into it.
First, we need champagne.
No, Roger. No more with the booze.
Hey, you. Mr Pastry.
Champagne for the whole carriage!
Come on, that's too much, Rodge.
See how nervous he gets at
the sight of money.
Ask him why he
lives in Guernsey.
I live in Guernsey?
Ninety percent, I pay!
I'd be surprised if he pays two bob!
We find another day,
we do this after Christmas.
No, Astrid!
We do this now!
That's just rude, Rodge.
Come on, you're not like this!
This isn't you!
You don't know the first thing
about what I'm like.
Have a question, chief?
Um, well, there's, er,
there's been some, er-er,
uncertainty, rumours, actually...
Oh?!
here, about the band.
Ooh!
Regarding your performances, um...
Yeah!
you-you've had many
TV appearances.
Top of the Pops, Crackerjack,
and so forth.
Crackerjack, yeah.
Um, but there wasn't any
mention of the band ever
singing live.
Ohhh!
Wonder why that is?!
Why do you think that is, Tone?
Tony's voice is very delicate.
Oh, that's right. That's right.
Tony's voice is so delicate-
write it down.
It's so unique to have Tony's style,
Tony's charisma,
and Tony's singing voice
all in one amazing package.
I mean, imagine if
I could sing, for example.
That just wouldn't work, would it?
Who'd want to listen to
a boring twat like me?!
OK, that's enough now.
But Tony,
Tony has it all.
Go on Tony...
give us a little tune.
I'm sure we'd all like to hear it.
Wait, you can't do that.
Oh, it's alright, Astrid.
He won't use the tape.
Of course I'm gonna use the tape.
Trust me, he won't.
How do you know?
Where's he going?
Is he saying what I think
he's saying?
Definitely not.
Well, what-
what do you think he's saying?
I suppose,
he's suggesting...
that it's not
actually you that's singing.
What the-
Oh my God!
Champagne for everyone!
And?
Tony, are you with us?
Eh?
Is there something wrong?
I, um...
Well, just start from the top.
From what?
You say,
"Well, I've had an
absolutely delightful trip..."
Well, I've had an absolutely
delightful trip.
Lovely!
Walking forward.
Carry on!
And thanks to the advanced
passenger train's unique design...
Wiggling the model...
You what?
Oh! Um...
Er, we've been travelling at
an average speed of 100mph.
Then to the breakfast table.
And sit.
Er, but my coffee cup
hasn't spilt a drop.
And you go to take a drink.
Er, but don't take a drink.
What?
Yeah.
And that's the basic shape of it.
Tristan, I'm just, er, wondering if
Tony's shorts are bit short.
Er, Tony. Er, we've got to
make a little change.
Bernard!
I don't know whose idea it was to
sit you opposite Bella Emberg.
You come with me, my dear.
I think I've found a
perfect spot for you.
I don't suppose you have this
problem with radio!
Anyway, I think you're going to be
very pleased with the replacement.
I'm so excited!
Yeah, so am I.
I was only planning to watch,
I promise you.
It's OK.
Look, I'm shaking.
Hold my hand, please.
Don't worry, you'll be fine.
So, what we doing after this?
What do you mean?
Well, everyone's talking
about going to your club.
Sure.
So that's me going home then?
Why?
Well, you're not gonna
let me in, are ya?
Course I will!
Really?
Yeah!
Really?!
Yeah!
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
Sorry, Tony. Just wondering if
the shorts are a bit short?
Um... I don't know,
do you think they look alright?
Well, they just look a bit... short.
I think they look great.
Yeah, OK.
Do you think?
They're better than the ones
you had in the other ad.
Listen, Tony.
Er, we need to make an incy
wincey change to the script.
That bit about the AP travelling faster
than twice the legal limit of a car
on a motorway...
well, sandy pointed out, might not
be appropriate given recent events?
Recent events?
And with a date set
for the court case,
it's probably best to avoid
any potential overlap.
How do you mean?
Obviously we all wish your
brother the very best...
Roger?
..we can't in any way
associate this campaign
with what happened.
I'm sure you'll understand.
We'll just snip that bit out,
shall we?
OK. OK.
What-what... what happened?
'Your next station
is Market Harborough.
Market Harborough your next stop.'
Are you OK?
What, er, I'm fine, I'm fine.
You're taking it all very well.
I don't know what's going on.
None of us do.
I love you.
What?
I love you, Dad.
Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Er, To-To-To-Tony.
Is there something wrong?!
I heard he was difficult.
Widow Twankie?
What?
You do realise this is bullshit?
They better be paying you a shitload
cos you look like a knobhead, Tone.
Sorry to say it, but it's true.
You're a serious artist, mate.
Not Danny La bloody Rue.
What we need to do is
get back out there.
Get some of the old
material released.
We recorded some gems back then.
There's this guy I knew, right.
Alan, his name is.
Mainly does plumbing at the moment,
but he's proper loaded.
I told him about the music
we did together
and he said he might wanna
release some of it.
Just gotta get all of the
shitting master tapes.
Anyway, point is,
Alan's not gonna take us seriously
if you're twanking off
in crap like this.
What's that on your leg?
Oh. Ha. That.
That's a pain in the arse,
that's what that is.
Why do they have to make
these things so ugly?
Pattie made an amazing cover
that said,
"An hard act to follow"...
but, the probation officer said it
interfered with the signal.
Mum's installed a base
station over Christmas.
Just another thing that's
freaking her out.
I mean, she's an old woman, Tone.
She doesn't need all this.
Is she OK?
Course not, and all this
bollocks they've been saying.
It's the last thing she needs.
Like what?
That I went to rehab.
So what?
It's boring, everyone goes
to rehab these days.
So I sacked it off
and did it myself.
So did Pattie.
Piece of piss eighteen months.
Cheers. Done. Move on. What's next?
Anyway, you heard about
the festival?
Er, what?
We're doing a festival this
summer. Well, maybe next summer.
Anyway, we got a line-up planned.
You wouldn't believe.
So...
how old was Hendrix when he died?
Er, twenty-seven.
Exactly. Joplin.
Brian Jones.
Jim Morrison.
Buddy Holly.
I don't think Buddy Holly was...
Kurt Cobain.
Who?
We get bands.
Good bands. You know, bands we like.
To pretend
they're twenty-seven again,
and do a set, exactly as they
woulda done back then.
Rick Wakeman in a gold cape.
Peter Gabriel as a daffodil.
Well, it was a sunflower.
Exactly.
I'd pay to see that. Wouldn't you?
That's what I wanted to talk
to you about, Tone.
You move in these circles.
I do?
You're the one in here.
They're all at these do's.
So you want me to ask Peter Gabriel
to dress up as a sunflower?
Listen, if he hadn't done it before
it'd be weird, I grant ya.
But it's probably
still in his wardrobe.
Do I go to these sorts of parties?
Course you do. Look.
That's me with Christopher Biggins,
Roger.
He's hardly Dylan.
Biggins might even know
Dylan. Who knows.
Point is, we get to these people,
they hear the idea, they'll love it.
But, well...
What?
You're not sort of suggesting...
What?
Well...
you're not saying that
they shoulda died
when they were twenty-seven?
OK.
Don't help me then, Tone.
Roger.
Don't do it then,
Tone. Don't help me.
You sit there, top of the world.
Calm down, look-
Just need to get the ball rolling.
I've had a few rough years, Tone.
Dunno if you've noticed.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Can't rely on your family.
OK, OK!
Truth is Tone,
I'm not doing this for me.
I'm doing it for our mum.
Well, your mum.
Don't say that.
Well, it's true, in't it?!
OK, OK! I'll do it! I'll do it.
I'll do whatever you need.
See.
There you go.
You just wait, Tone.
This is just the beginning.
Tell you what, we'll come see this
pile of twank after Christmas.
Deal?
Mm.
Deal.
You know, you can get a
drink if you like.
Don't bother us.
Yeah, I might do that actually.
Yeah.
Knock yourself out.
Cuz.
Dad?
Dad?
You OK?
I need to remember to
check the car insurance.
Yeah, that's-
probably a good idea.
Take it easy. Eh, mate?
That the actual hat?
What?
Well, the actual real hat.
We watched every episode.
You woulda won it.
Yeah, definitely.
Will they let you go back?
Of course they won't let
him go back.
But, what about all that
work he's had done?
It's taken twenty years
off ya, honestly.
But no one will see it.
You know, you surprised me, Dad.
I did?
Yeah.
It was quite a sacrifice.
And a hell of a long way to come.
We wouldn't have minded if
you stayed in Australia.
What's Abi Titmuss really like?
Who?
Oh, yeah, like you didn't notice.
Are we allowed to laugh, Mum?
Yeah, of course you are, darling.
This is a time for
happy memories too.
Y-you put them on your page.
David's doing a myspace page...
what do you think?
Hmm?
It's not loading properly.
Eh?
Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it?
Oh, it's marvellous.
I wonder what she
woulda thought of it.
She?
Mum.
Grandma.
Well, you can ask her yourself.
Huh?
Grandma, what do you think
of David's webpage?
His what?
He's, he's done a special page
on the internet for Roger.
Well, it's no good to him now.
Oh, no, it's about Roger.
Oh, those things make my eyes hurt.
Y-you can type a message, here.
Why would I wanna do that?
He's worked so hard on it.
We worked as hard as we could
for Roger.
Did everything we could.
Maybe we could've done more.
No, I mean the page on
the worldwide web.
Maybe we did the wrong thing.
I don't know.
Come on, Celia. Let's get you
settled down here with Arthur.
I'll always have to live with that.
You have a little rest.
And we'll be right over here
if you need anything.
We shoulda kept it to ourselves.
But Arthur said no.
Thank you, love.
I don't see why she blames herself
Her mind's set. She still thinks
Roger didn't drink.
Oh.
You what?
Told her it was all lies.
Yeah, then swigs vodka from a water
bottle right in front of her.
Bold as brass.
No.
Was Pattie that fooled me.
You know, I was sure she
was good news.
She was as bad as him.
You know she turned up
at my work once.
Some sob story about
Roger beating her up.
Complete nonsense.
I gave her sixty quid, didn't I?
Turns out Roger's waiting
downstairs. Straight to the offy.
And you were way too kind.
Bad as she was though, when
those two split...
Oh, that was a mistake.
Beginning of the end, that was.
He never really got over it.
Pattie this, Pattie that.
He got it in his head that she was
in Portsmouth or something.
That's where he was walking to?
Yeah, right down the
middle of the M27.
Oh, sorry.
Cleo!
It was just horrible.
I shoulda done something.
No one coulda stopped him.
He only listens to me.
We were the Mighty Towers.
It's not such a great name any more.
Auntie Vi.
They run in the street.
Who can keep an eye on them
twenty-four hours a day?
I'm not Celia.
That's not me.
I was too scared.
Auntie.
No. No.
Come on, Tony, ya bellend.
Listen, this fella from Gladiators.
He must know people,
that show's massive.
You get me ten minutes with Wolf,
just let me talk to him.
Let me explain the concept
and you know-
Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Enough of this, Roger!
Give that back!
If you want water,
I'll get you water.
'Leicester, your next stop.
Next stop, Leicester.'
OK, you got me.
What do you want, a medal?
No, I just want you
to tell me something that's not a
steaming pile of horse shit, Roger.
Eighteen months.
Eighteen minutes, more like!
So I like a drink!
So does Pattie, so do you!
We all like a sip on a warm day.
Social drinkers now!
So what you hiding it
in that for then?!
Cos I don't wanna drink the piss
this place sells.
Oh, please, Roger.
Just stop! Stop it!
This is me! This is Tony!
Don't pretend like you give a shit!
Of course I do,
I'm your brother, mate!
Not strictly true, that. Is it?
It is to me.
Come on, Pattie. Let's go.
Where you going?
Well, looks like Leicester.
What about Mum and Dad?
It's Christmas tomorrow.
For you maybe.
It was never really Christmas
for me!
Roger, come on. Come on, please.
Please... I know where this goes!
This doesn't end well!
What does that mean?
Roger, please.
Just, just let me help you.
Oh, right.
That's what you want, innit?
What?
Make it all about you.
Just like always.
No, no, no, Rodge...
You never gave a shit about me.
You don't understand.
You're thinking
how well this makes you look!
I can see you doing it now.
"Tony saves Roger,"
"Tony the hero."
Well guess what, Tony?
I don't need saving.
Rodge, please. Please, mate.
Get your hands off me!
You don't understand!
Get off me!
You don't understand, mate!
What are you doing?!
What are you doing?
Come on!
Get off of me!
Rodge, no!
Get off!
Pattie, please! Talk to him!
Fuck you, Tony.
What?
Roger!
Rodge!
Rodge!
Roger!
Tony! Tony.
Listen, we're rather
up against it, old chap.
We really need to get a move on.
Where's Jenny? I need Jenny.
Oh, but Tony, the train will be in
Nottingham in half an hour!
Jenny!
OK. Two minutes!
Are you OK, Dad?
Jenny, I need you to listen
to me very carefully.
I'm gonna ask you some questions.
I want you to answer like
I don't know anything.
What's this for?
Alright, just, please.
Just, just pretend.
Understand?
I suppose.
OK.
Where is Roger?
He's on remand.
Why?
For speeding,
you already know this.
What did I just say? Come on.
So, is that it?
Is anyone hurt?
No, no.
That's not much of a crime, then.
Well, it wasn't his car.
Oh.
It was his accountants.
OK.
Who he'd just hit with a breadbin.
Right, and why did he do that?
Well, he thinks he conned him
out of eighty grand,
but then you told me he spent all
his tax on a pig farm
but he's not looking after them
properly and one ate his jacket-
the silver one that
Mick Ronson lent him?
And so he pushed the pig off a cliff
and now the RSPCA want him as well.
Jesus Christ.
Which is why you set up
that account for me.
Yeah, I always put a third aside
and I never touch it.
Very good, well done.
We've really got to get a move on,
I'm terribly sorry.
Now, we've had a little conflab
and we've come up with this and
we think it's much, much better.
The APT is so smooth,
the only rocking and rolling
I'll be doing is with these.
Then you hold these up.
Shall we do an availability
check on Bobby Davro?
Roger, please.
There are children on this train.
Mr Towers! Please put
your trousers back on!
Tony, where the hell have you been?
Roger...
..bloody crazy insane!
Oh, Roger.
Roger?
Put your trousers on, mate.
Mr Towers.
Looks like you got an
actual story for once.
This is all I could find.
I'll call the transport police!
Maybe I should go.
What? No, no, no. Give it here.
I've got an idea, can you open this?
But it stinks in there.
Yeah, just for a sec.
You ready?
Go, go, go, go!
Slade: Merry Xmas Everybody
Are you hanging up
a stocking on your wall?
It's the time that every Santa
has a ball
Does he ride a red nosed reindeer?
Does he turn up on his sleigh...
It's not exactly Prestige Cuve,
I know that.
As long as it's wet.
Are you still made at me?
Alright, look. Roger.
The band's clearly a mess, right.
Whatever the record company
suggested we obviously...
shouldn't have listened.
Do you mean 'we'?
OK, I, I.
I shouldn't have listened, right.
Whatever I agreed to...
it was stupid.
Are you sure you got the room
to spare inside?
You seen the state of this lot?
It's about the songs, Tone.
I know, mate.
So you wanna try again? Eh?
Do it our way this time.
We're too old.
You know what Jim Morrison was
when he died-
Yeah, he was twenty-seven. I know.
And Hendrix.
So there's less competition!
Who cares how old we are?
Hey. Leonard Cohen.
Yeah?
He was ancient before anyone
started giving a toss.
It's about what you do
right now, Rodge.
The decisions you make today.
That's what matters.
You serious?
Course I am.
You front it. You're the singer.
I'll be on...
maracas or whatever.
But you gotta promise me one thing.
What?
You come and live in Guernsey.
You what?
You're giving away 90
pence of every pound.
You choose now to give me
financial advice?
Alright, alright, alright, alright.
But we're gonna do this.
Right?
Sure.
Good!
Right now,
let me try and go
and sort out this mess.
What the bloody hell is going on?
Just hang on.
Well, will he do an interview?
Can I go?
Everybody just hold your
horses for two minutes.
Come here.
Now look, er...
Morris, isn't it?
Yeah.
How long you been doing this?
Two weeks.
OK. Listen.
You know who I am?
You know who that is?
I guess.
Do you like our music?
Not really.
No, you like metal. Don't you?
Heavy rock.
How do you know?
I bet you like Sabbath.
Yeah, course.
Perfect. Do you have any idea
how hard they had to work to write
those songs?
What's that got to do with...?
Do you know the artistic agony
that Ozzy Osbourne went through to
make Sabbath bloody Sabbath?
He ended up writing in a dungeon to
get inspiration, it half killed him.
Ooh, the struggle.
The pain.
Some people don't make it.
Nick Drake.
Ian Curtis.
Who?
That's what that is, my friend.
That's the struggle.
Right there.
Now, you've handled this well.
I mean, brilliantly, actually.
Now, play your cards right.
You could be destined for big
things on the back of this.
But just remember,
you don't get
Children of the Grave...
without that.
I love that song.
Course you do. Now,
you wanna support new music.
You want another Sabbath album,
that's Ozzy. Right there.
So,
how about you just let him
slip off at the next station.
You know what I'm saying.
No need to get the police involved.
That way you're doing it
for the arts.
You're doing it for the music.
You're doing it... for Ozzy.
Paranoid. Wheels of
Confusion. Hand of Doom.
Electric Funeral.
Rat Salad.
OK, folks. I want everyone
to move to the back.
What the hell was that?
It worked, didn't it?
Keep it moving.
'Loughborough is your next station.
Your next station is Loughborough.'
Why aren't you in first class?
You're Tony Towers.
You shouldn't be down here.
Oh, can I ask you a question?
OK.
Those girls on your show.
You know, holding the teas
made or whatever.
How did they get that job?
Cos it doesn't look that hard to me.
I don't know. Um,
I'm sure I could find out.
Really? You could really do that?
Yeah.
Oh, that's amazing.
I mean, Dolcis is alright.
The people are nice and everything,
but I don't wanna be there forever.
Oh! I'm sorry, I'm Sue, by the way.
So, we haven't met before.
Not actually met.
You made a joke about me once
in the audience though.
Although, it could've
been about Elaine.
The lights are very bright,
it was hard to tell.
When was this?
We came on a work do
to watch the show.
God, there's a lot of waiting
around, isn't there?
I mean, I'm not saying
it's boring or anything.
It's just not like on telly.
You must've shouted
"come on down!" about
two hundred times.
So, is that what I'm known for, then?
You what?
I'm not known for music?
Music? What sort of music?
Eagles of Love?
What's that then?
It's a song. In the charts.
What? Recently?
No, it's not on here.
It was a hit. I think.
When was this?
Oohh, seventy-four, seventy-five.
Oh. Well,
I should know it.
I always watched Top of
Pops after school.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
How did it go?
What you-you want me to sing
it for you right now?
Yeah, go on then.
I mean, I didn't know
Tony Towers could sing.
Alright.
Um...
Eagles of Love
Flying above
You can join in any time you like.
Eagles-
Everybody! All together now!
You're having me on.
I'm not, I'm not. I'm not.
Well, I don't mean
to be rude or nothing.
But you're not much of
a singer are you?
Oh, you don't mean to be rude?
It was my brother, er...
my cousin who was the singer.
I guess it worked out
best for you, then.
Yeah, I guess it did. Yeah.
Although I'd rather be in a band.
Everyone wants to be in a band.
Yeah, but...
we had something.
My cousin...
had something.
So where's he then?
I don't know.
Oh, it's like that, is it?
He's, um...
well, he's a bit troubled.
Oh.
I don't recognise him anymore.
He, he used to sell those.
You know, he-he had a wife.
Two lovely kids, twins.
I guess they don't exist anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry. That's terrible.
Although, I suppose his wife would
but...
but not in the same way.
It's all very confusing.
Yeah, well,
families are complicated.
Don't even get me
started on mine.
I bloody dread this trip every year.
We get to about, I don't know,
eleven o'clock on Christmas day
and it all kicks off.
I just stay quiet now.
Don't say anything.
My new rule is,
let people live their own lives.
It's not my responsibility.
Does that sound cruel?
I suppose not.
I mean, I'm there for 'em.
Of course, if they want my help,
I'm there like that.
It's family, but,
they've gotta ask.
I'm only there if they ask.
Meanwhile, I get on with my life.
How's this?
Aaah.
Good enough for an audition?
Oh, that's very good. Very good.
I...
am gonna write my number down.
I'm still at my mum's till
I can get my own place.
But if I'm not in
she'll take a message.
Yeah, I'm-I'm not gonna take this,
Sue.
You what?
Meet someone nice and,
and move to Norfolk.
What do you mean?
Have ten kids.
What?
Wear chunky jumpers.
Drink soup.
How did you...?
Er, maybe I can just talk to him.
Just, just give me five minutes.
Hey, hey! What's going on Morris?!
I tried Mr Towers,
but he wouldn't get off.
You won't get this from David Essex.
Roger!
Roger!
There's no point.
You tried to help him,
but you can't unscramble an egg.
Hey, watch it.
You're not on the Sweeney, you know.
Ow! Ooh, Christ!
Ow! That bloody hurt!
Oh, cor! Watch it! That's me
meat and two veg!
And a merry Christmas to you,
you wazzy.
The Platters: Whispering Grass
You've done everything you can do.
You can't look after him forever.
You've got to live your own life,
Tony.
Come on.
Whispering Grass
The trees don't have to know
No, No
Why tell them all your secrets?
Who kissed there long ago?
Whispering Grass
The trees don't need to know...
Don't you tell it to the breeze
'Cause she will tell
the birds and bees
And everyone will know
Because you told
the blabbering trees
Yes, you told them once before
It's no secret
Anymore
Why tell them all the old things?
They're buried under the snow.
Whispering Grass
Don't tell the trees
'Cause the trees
don't need to know
Don't you tell it to the breeze
'Cause she will tell
the birds and bees
And everyone will know
Because you told
the blabbering trees
Oh yes, you told them
Once before
And it is no secret
Anymore
I will not have gossip
in this jungle
Why tell them all the old things?
They're buried under the snow.
Whispering Grass
Don't tell the trees
'Cause the trees
Don't need to know.
Mum, I need to talk to you.
Not yet, Anthony!
But I need to talk to you...
Outside!
I won't tell you again.
I mean, we all knew it fall off
back of a lorry, but he insists, see?
Just yell things on a level.
We all like a bit of fun.
He says he brought it
for twenty smackers.
I says, "twenty smackers? You're
having a laugh, ain't ya?"
It's not as if times was normal.
Well, a girl goes serious
with a bloke, that's one thing.
Too many of them is making
themselves cheap with them yanks.
Well, they've got to give us
the place now, pre-fab or not.
They said we'd need another
sixty points, see?
I mean, it's just not right.
It was a diabolical
liberty if you ask me.
Why the deuce didn't they
check the ground before the match?
And you're not one to
kick up a stink.
Well, I was half inclined to think
it was some sort of practical joke.
There's nothing funny about
stopping a test match.
You only have one bottle?
Er, just the one, yes.
So I said to the chap from the Royal
Engineers, "Be a sport, old chap.
At least let us see the innings out."
And do you know what he did?
He had the confounded impudence
to laugh in my face.
You quite sure you won't stay up,
Vi?
Just stay for Christmas?
No, I'd rather get straight back.
Closing up the dining car now,
chaps.
Oh, here you are my dear.
Oh, thank you.
So I said, "I fail to see what's
so frightfully funny?"
But he just gives me the brush off
and says,
"hop it, before this thing blows."
I mean, really.
Are you really trying to tell me
there's an unexploded bomb
under the crease?!
You can see the pitch?
Of course, the wicket's right there.
I- I just know I'll drop him or
lose him or do something wrong.
I just can't.
Of course you won't.
Look, it's for the best.
So I-I stepped over
the boundary.
Good show, old boy.
Well, I said, "I didn't do my bit
in that lot to be treated like this."
So what happened?
Oh, it was a right old dust up.
If it hadn't been for
'Dizzy' Henderson,
heaven knows where I'd be.
Cooling your heels in a
police cell, no doubt.
That's Trent station.
We'll be there in ten minutes.
Perhaps I should take him now
and get ready and that.
That's lovely, dear.
Anthony, don't bother your Auntie.
Surely Dick Pollard
would have hit the bomb by now.
Exactly.
If anything's going to blow it up
it's...
Anthony! What on earth are you
doing? Get off!
Don't be so silly.
Hey, little Roger.
Final destination,
Nottingham Victoria.
() Anthony!
Oi! What are you doing?!
Get out of here!
Come back here!
Oi! Stop!
Stop!
Anthony!
Is he alive?!
He's just coming round.
Why did you do that? You silly boy.
Why did you do that?
Don't ever do anything
like that again.
I'm so-I'm sorry.
Mummy's so sorry.
You're safe now.
You're safe now. Mummy's got ya.
Mummy's got ya.
We'll need to have a
look at that leg.
There's room to lie him down
in the front carriage.
Come on, son.
Use your good leg.
'This is your final stop.
Nottingham Station where this
service will terminate.'
Aw, Happy Christmas!
We Wish You A Merry Christmas
Out on the street
Moving your feet
Got the desire
So don't put out the fire
Why do you cry
When you look at the sky
Maybe we found
A break in the glass
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love
Wings of gold
To guide you home
They rise like the sun
When hope is gone
Taking flight
In the dead of night
Be on the stone
The sweetest song
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love...
AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk
Welcome aboard the 15:05
from St Pancras to Nottingham.
I would like to take this
opportunity to welcome you on board
and wish you all a very merry
Christmas.'
Shakin' Stevens: Merry Christmas
- Everyone
No, no, no, no. Not that way, love.
Not that way. Down here.
Good morning, good morning.
Ooh.
Hey, do you want some bubbly?
Sue! Come on.
We're gonna have some bubbly.
They don't do champagne, do they?
They do for Tony Towers.
Here y'are, love.
Can you give us a hand
with those there?
Hey, do you like clubbing?
What?
Any weeknight, week night.
Bring this card, tell 'em
Tony Towers sent you.
Right, now, everyone...
who wants to join us for champers?
You're all welcome.
Ooh, yes!
How many? Yes?
One, three, four, five, six, seven...
Tony.
What? What?
Tony.
We're gonna have champagne,
we're gonna have, er...
What's it...
Now That's What I Call Music 5!
Tony, stop it. Stop it!
What?! We're celebrating!
Sorry about this.
He's just a little over excited.
Don't worry, we'll keep it down.
Oi, you!
Sue!
Get off!
Right, let's get this
party started, eh?!
Oh, Tony, where you going?
They're getting on any minute.
I'll be back before Luton.
But I feel nervous, Tone.
Sue.
Darling.
What you gotta be nervous about?
After what Roger did to me,
he's the one who should be nervous.
Listen,
don't you worry your
pretty little head about it.
OK.
Tell you what.
What?
You and me...
Hmm.
can have a little look around
Tiffany's when
we're back.
It's too much, Tone.
OK, Ratners.
I don't need any more presents!
What, you don't like 'em?
It's just sometimes,
it feels like you're showing me off.
Well, what's wrong with that?
You're beautiful. Mmm.
And you're gonna be the new
Mrs Tony Towers.
People are interested in what I do.
But we're gonna have a family.
We... we're gonna what?
Well, not right now.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Well, at least I thought we were.
No, right now's probably not
the perfect... what?
You know I wanna have ten kids.
Christ! Are we having a family
or playing five-a-side?
And I wanna live in Norfolk.
Oooh, that's a commute.
And I want us to wear chunky
jumpers and drink soup.
Now that we can do.
I'll be two minutes.
Honestly, I'm not going anywhere.
I'll be here.
Oh, Sue, sorry.
Do you-do you mind sitting here?
I just-
don't like going backwards.
Yeah.
Only for you.
Mwah.
Right, champagne for everyone!
Merry Christmas.
Tickets?
I'm just nipping to the buffet.
Oh, good for you,
where's your ticket?
Really?
I'm only gonna be two...
what?
There was-I had...
My fiance must have them.
Oh, your fiance.
Yeah, we're tying the knot in June.
Congratulations.
Look, I'm...
I'm Tony Towers.
Good for you.
Now where's your ticket?
I'm famous.
Are you now?
Tell him who I am.
You what?
She'll tell you who I am.
I recognise ya.
See?
Are you a carpet fitter?
What?
No, you sell shammies on
Bulwell market!
No! I'm... No!
I'm-I'm Tony Towers!
The Astoria in Nottingham!
The what?
What's that phrase,
'you're only famous
if someone knows who you are'.
Well, we don't know who you are.
It's the biggest club in
the midlands.
Where is it again?
Listen, you like music, er...
Morris. What-
what music do you like?
I like metal.
You play metal at this club?
Not so much.
'Luton is your next stop.
Next stop, Luton.'
Look, she's waiting for me,
I- I just gotta get...
Look, my fiance has never met
my brother or his wife.
She's nervous,
I just need two minutes
to get to the buffet.
Now, come on, Morris,
you're a reasonable man.
You've got tinsel on your head.
The full adult fare is
eighteen pounds ninety.
Really?
You're really gonna do thi-
Merry Christmas.
Sue, have you seen my tickets?
They were in my wallet...
Is that them?
Is that Roger?
No, he's ginger.
I can't find...
Ginger? How'd that happen?
That's them.
How did they know to
stand right there?
Yeah, well, that's Roger for you.
I can't get to the buffet
without the tickets.
Oh, Tony, I'm shaking.
It's fine, where are they?
Er, in your wallet?
No, I've looked there!
Are they in your bag?
You won't believe this, Sue.
There's a girl,
in the next carriage,
never heard of m-this is crazy!
I need them to get the bubbly!
Oh, Tony. Forget about
your silly champagne!
I'm freaking out here!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. It's alright.
Shhh.
Everything alright?
What do you mean?
I assume this is Sue.
Oh, I was just about to introduce...
Well, bit slow aren't you Tony?
I'm Paula.
Hello.
Roger's somewhere behind this.
Sorry.
I wonder who bought you this?
Don't start. Lovely to meet you.
Shouldn't I put it next to
my present from Auntie Vi?
Oh, here we go.
Hang on a minute, I can't do that
because I've already packed it
right at the bottom of my suitcase.
You know about this?
No.
Tone seems to think that our Auntie
Vi always bought me better presents.
There hasn't been a single...
'Seems to think'?!
One year he gets a guitar.
I get a pineapple.
It's hard to get back then.
Are you two going to sit down?
A pineapple.
Thirty years ago,
and he's still
going on about it.
Oh, sorry, Paula. I was-
do you mind-
I was gonna be sitting there.
Tone, don't.
I don't like going backwards.
Just sit down.
Wow.
I like her already.
It's lovely jewellery.
Oh, thank you.
Been splashing out, Tone?
Well, things are certainly busy.
Got six new clubs opening.
Six?
He's got six new clubs opening.
Gotta be ambitious, Roger.
I've always told you that.
Six, though?
And we're upgrading Nottingham.
Ten thousand square feet,
five minutes from Market Square.
What about Gary De Courcey's place?
Gone.
What?
Fire.
Oh.
You're kidding.
I'm not.
Why's that so funny?
Well, nightclubs never 'burn down'.
It's always an insurance job.
Always.
Well, even with Gary gone,
I still think it's a bit much, Tone.
Well, if you beg me...
I might just let you come back.
Aw.
Oh, no, no. That-
that's really not gonna happen Tony.
I'm very happy.
He's gonna try and convince you now
that he's still in show business.
I'm in the music business.
Oh yeah?
Hardly.
What do you do, Roger?
Those headphones that broke
ten minutes after you bought 'em?
I work for Saisho.
Ask him what part of
Japan that's from.
It's Dixon's own brand-
Stevenage.
That well known suburb of Tokyo.
Listen, Tony.
When he stops selling five million
personal stereos a year,
he'll give you a call, alright?
Oh, oh, cheers, Sue!
Oh, what? It's funny.
I really like her.
Huh. Right, I'm getting that bubbly.
What?
He wants to celebrate
our engagement.
If only I could find the-
tickets.
You a bit strapped for cash, Tony?
Fine, thank you, Paula.
You're not gonna bail him out again,
are you?
It's OK, I'm good.
I don't quite know how
to put this, Sue.
But, er, you do know Tony
likes to tap people-
Paula, will you just...!
What?
You in a bit of trouble, Tone?
No, why?
You asked him to come back.
I didn't ask him.
Six clubs is a bit crazy.
I said if you begged me.
How much you borrowing?
It was gonna be eight clubs.
Rubbish.
I know this is hard for you
to accept, Roger.
But I'm doing perfectly
well without you.
I'm just concer-
Well, I don't need your concern.
I've managed to keep that club
going perfectly well
despite the fact
that you left me in the shit.
OK. Champagne.
Oh my God, it's Tony Towers.
It's not, is it?
He looks like a tramp!
Alright, girls?
Bye-bye.
What's going on?
You talk to him.
I'm not talking him.
I ain't talking to him!
You talk to him!
The buffet car-the bar.
Is it-is it this way?
I think he's had enough already.
Don't be shy, I don't bite!
Tony's a pervert!
Hey!
Come on, now! Let's all be nice.
Right, I'm-I'm Tony.
We know.
This happens to me all the time.
I get it.
I get it, it's exciting.
What?
She recognised ya,
I don't recognise ya.
She's quite a bit older than me.
Piss off.
There's only three years diff-
Now look what you made me do,
you silly cow.
Are we at thirty-two already?
Alright, alright.
Alright, listen, you two.
You have a good night, OK?
'Bedford.
Your next station stop is Bedford.'
'Hello?'
'Yeah, OK.'
'Nottingham.'
'Yeah, OK.'
'Five. Five o'clock.'
Yeah, OK.
Five, alright. Thank you.
'Bye.'
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, God!
Are you alright?
Mate, mate, are you alright?!
God, he looks like death warmed up.
It, it's OK Tony,
we're only having a bit of fun.
Yeah, we weren't taking
the piss, honest.
He was right.
Who-who was right?
Roger.
They all failed.
Alright, look.
I'll tell you what...
um, everyone just back up, yeah?
Let's just give him some space.
You gonna be alright?
OK, OK. OK.
Slow it down, Tony. Slow it...
Alright.
Think this through a minute.
Mate, come have a sit down.
This some sort of joke, is it?
Having a good laugh, are we?
Turn Tony Towers into a failure?
Oh, hilarious.
Well, you know what?
That ain't gonna happen.
Tony Towers don't fail.
Tony! You did it!
What did I tell ya!
Champagne all round!
Here y'are, have that.
Enjoy. Merry Christmas.
Am I not a man of my word?
Here y'are, have a box.
Listen, Tony.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
It came out all wrong...
Come back.
What?
You're right. Six clubs is stupid.
I walked out, Tony.
You're what I need.
You're my-you're my Phil Spector.
You're my Tony Visconti.
That's very nice of you to say bu-
It'd be different this time.
Tell me what I did wrong.
You really want to know?
Yes.
You never gave me credit, for one.
You called it Tony Towers Astoria,
even though we agreed to call
it the Mighty Towers.
And you said we were
gonna go fifty-fifty.
I'll make it sixty-forty.
It's a different business now, Tony.
Foam parties, wet t-shirts,
it's-it's-it's not me.
If the clubs don't work,
that's it.
The house,
everything.
Look, let-let's not kid ourselves.
This was always your thing-
I'm serious, Rodge.
When you're there,
it works.
Just look at the business plan.
Sure.
But I can tell you right now
what I'm gonna say.
What?
Just open one new club.
Where you going?
I'll be back in a sec.
Anthony?
Auntie Vi!
Oh!
Come here, my dear.
How lovely to see you!
Oh!
Your mum said you might be
home for Christmas.
How you holding up?
Fine.
I was sorry to hear your news.
You were?
You must be devastated.
Sure.
Which parts...
do you know?
Your mum told me everything.
She did?
Yes.
And what did-what did she say?
She said you were doing as well
as could be expected.
Well,
it's been...
difficult.
Yes.
Have you spoken to...
To?
Anyone?
Like who?
Someone who could listen.
Not really.
Oh, you should.
I will.
I passed it, last week.
You did?
In a taxi.
Right, how is it?
It's horrible, Anthony.
I know.
All that work you put into it.
Yes.
And what with the recession
and that.
Right.
And now just gone.
Gone.
Did they ever find the cause?
The cause?
Electrics or...?
Or?
Oh, I do hope someone didn't
start it on purpose.
Ah.
The fire.
Such a waste.
I mean, what are the chances of
both clubs going up like that?
Slim, yeah.
Oh,
your thing's going.
You don't deserve it, Anthony.
On top of everything else.
Everything else?
You know,
with Sue.
Sue?
That was very unfair.
She seemed so nice.
But that girl,
I think she had a plan all along.
Really?
I think some people see
an opportunity and take it.
You probably don't want to
hear this, Anthony.
But I've always thought you were a
little too trusting of people.
People take what they want
and then they disappear.
Just like that.
You need to think of yourself,
Tony.
About what you want.
Because nobody else is going to.
OK, I will.
I always said that to your brother.
Now I'm telling you.
Wait, is Roger on the train?
I doubt it.
Why?
He doesn't take the train anymore.
No?
Doesn't have the time.
Course.
'Cause he travels by...
Helicopter.
Mostly.
Course he does.
Sony keep him very busy.
Oh, I'm sure they do. Yeah, yeah.
Let me take a wild guess,
that one's for him?
What do you mean?
No, no, it's-
it's just a stupid joke
me and Roger used to make.
I was always convinced that
you got him better presents than me.
I'm sure there's nothing in it.
I don't know if you
remember, but, er,
You got me a pineapple...
Auntie, wh-what's wrong?
I was never very good at
all that, Anthony.
I wasn't your mother.
It was only a present.
Just wasn't me.
It's fine!
I love pineapple.
Look, have a-have a tissue.
I'm sorry.
I was too scared.
Auntie!
Auntie Vi!
Scared of what-
Jona Lewie: Stop The Cavalry
limited range so
the songs had to be simple.
Tone Deaf Tony, I used to call him.
Tony, you never told me
you two had a band together.
Well, it was a very long time ago.
Sue, can I have wor-
Look what else I found.
Our first and only recording.
You had a single?!
Well, sort of.
It was this booth.
They had one at Waterloo station.
You had sixty-five seconds to
record anything you liked.
I suppose you could say this
is a limited edition.
Limited to one.
We thought we were a skiffle band!
I have no idea what that is.
Well, we weren't brilliant.
We had enthusiasm
and that's about it.
Speak for yourself.
And only four songs.
Four good songs.
Hmm.
Those the ones you tried to sing?
What do you mean 'tried' to sing?
What, are you not into his music?
I like some of it.
Oh,
that's a ringing endorsement.
I like music from my own gen...
Oh, no, don't say it. Don't say it!
I like chart music.
This is what I'm dealing with.
That's not what I call music!
Sue, could I have a word?
Oh, yeah.
What is it? What's wrong?
Sue, what...
why do you like me?
Tony, what do you mean?
Well, what, what are the things
that you like about me.
Everything.
Yeah, I'm, I'm serious.
What is it?
I'm fun, I'm-I'm successful.
Are you fishing for compliments?
No, no, no, no.
I just mean, you know, if,
if things were different, if,
if things...
changed. If I changed...
Why? What's happened?
I lost all this.
Lets say I had nothing.
Are you trying to make out
like I'm shallow?
Not really.
Like all I care about is
jewellery and coats.
I just wanna know what you want.
Is that what you think of me?
To tell the truth, I hardly know ya.
Tony.
How can you say that?
We're getting married.
Do you know what that means?
Yeah, I've done it before.
And did you ask Linda
these questions?
No, because Linda and I should
never have got married.
We did it because we had to.
She thinks I ruined her life,
she's turned my son against me.
I haven't seen him for five years.
You haven't seen him for five years?
I know why he's angry.
I- I-I don't know what
Linda's told him.
What, she's lying to him?
Well...
she, she, you know, she's-
she's probably embellishing it a bit.
Embellishing what?
Uh, when...
you know what I'm like.
What the hell does that mean?
Was like. Was like.
I worked in nightclubs, Sue.
Things were...
What?
Exciting.
Hm.
You still work in nightclubs.
I'm just telling you how it was,
I'm being honest.
You think I want that to happen - again?
- I don't know Tony.
You tell me.
You've got six new clubs opening.
How 'exciting' is that gonna be?
They're all gonna fail, Sue.
What?
All of them.
And you're gonna end up married
to a loser, who's old, and broke.
So let me ask you again,
why do you like me?
Tony, Tony, Tony.
I wouldn't blame you, Sue.
Tone.
You know what, if I fail-
Tony, I love you.
(And I want to marry you.
All this crap,
I don't want any of it.
Sell it, I don't care.
And you are not a loser.
And I'm here for you whatever,
whether it's a success or not.
But you have to promise me
one thing.
What?
All the excitement you need
is right here.
Get a room.
Now,
you make those clubs work.
But I need Roger.
Well then persuade him.
Nah, it's too late for that.
I've tried.
Try harder.
There's gotta be a way.
I don't like going backwards.
You what?
Tony, where you going?
Girls?
Carols singing
Bells are ringing
Santa Claus...
Dad, it's your go.
Ugh, this game, it's taking
longer than the real War.
Where've you been?
Even a Nazi has to take a leak,
Linda.
Dad, are you playing?!
Roger, can I have a word?
I'm in the middle of game.
For goodness sake, Tony. Can't you
see he's upset. Just roll the dice.
Seven.
Um.
Tony, that's my piece.
Can you not touch that?
Girls, do you wanna take over?
Roger, have you got a sec?
No. Move!
No, Dad! Don't ruin it!
We don't want to play.
Dad, please.
Tony, you're gonna make him cry.
Can you please move.
OK, OK, OK. Um...
Dad, you're doing it wrong!
Jesus Christ, Tony.
What is the matter with you?
Tony!
Dad, no!
What?
Put him in solitary confinement.
Have I?
He's only ten.
You could've come after me.
Why do you have to win at everything?
This game's stupid!
Oh, Sean!
Hey, hey, hey! I was just...
What, following orders?
We can play again!
Sorry,
I don't know why
he's acting like this.
Come on. Let's just
put everything back where it was.
No, Tony. You can't just put it back
and fix it, Tony. It's done.
I'm sorry, love.
I didn't realise. I-
honestly, I ma-I made a mistake.
Can we get that in writing?
What do you want?
Do you want some sweets?
Some chocolate.
Yeah? Alr... er, fruit and nut?
Er, Marathon?
Er, a Wispa bar?
What the hell is a Wispa bar?
OK, what do you like?
He likes Aztec bars, Tony.
But you wouldn't know
about that, would you?
Can you help me pick up the rest of
the German security guards
off the floor, Tone?
Here.
We could use a few of
these in the club.
Weekends, a lot of money in there.
Well, let's do it.
Really?
Just do it.
This is not like you.
I want you to take more control,
Rodge.
You what?
What?
What's brought this on?
Nothing.
Club's doing well,
that's down to Roger as much as me.
We're gonna be the new Tramps
before you know it.
So, it's time we, er,
we clarified a few things.
I want people to know Roger's name
as much as mine.
Hey, girls. You want your dad
to be famous, don't you?
Tony, what are you doing?
It's the Mighty Towers, Rodge.
What do you reckon?
You serious?
Fifty fifty. I mean it.
We can shake on it now.
In front of everyone.
Yeah, go on then,
do it before he changes his mind.
OK.
Fifty fifty.
Bob on.
What are you up to, Tony?
Right, let's get that
Aztec bar then, shall we?
Does you do cobs?
Oh, you are kidding me.
You did do cobs, didn't you?
They do 'em on Southwest.
What about scotch eggs?
Eh?
I'll take whatever you've got, mate.
See I don't have no snap, see.
Oh, some change f' t' phone!
I'm dying to try it.
Please tell me I'm the first one.
It was originally designed
for the APT, but,
ha, we all know
what happened to that, don't we?
Even if we had had the advanced
passenger train,
it wouldn'ta made any difference
to me.
As it if was ever
gonna come to Nottingham!
Nottingham?
You're from Nottingham?
Take the lad out of Sneinton,
but you can't take the Sneinton...
What nightclub's are in Nottingham?
You what?
You know, big nightclubs?
It's not really my thing, pal.
Er,
there's Gary De Courcey's place...
No.
The Astoria?
Roger Towers.
You mean Roger Towers Astoria?
The Mighty Ta-ta-ta-ta.
Funny ads, them.
I've never been, myself.
It's a massive place, apparently.
Actually, it's an old loco shed...
What about Tony?
Who?
Tony Towers.
His brother.
Has he got a brother?
'Your next station is
Wellingborough.
Wellingborough is your next stop.'
I'll just have them
Mini Cheddars, and, er...
Can I have the rest of this in 10ps?
Hello?
What?
I need to phone my wife.
Your wife?
Well, I don't really
want to ring my wife.
I just want to try the new phone.
The what?
That.
That's it, that's it.
I'll take as many as you've got.
Right, hold these.
Oh, hang on, I thought I was-
Right you have to keep
pumping them in, you ready?
Could I go next?
Sure. You ready?
Ready.
Oh,
one, eight, double one, eight, oh,
five, five.
Go!
Hello!
'Hello?'
Hello?
'Hello?'
Can you hear me?
'Hello?!'
Is that Mrs Taylor? One sec.
Keep putting them in!
'Hello?'
Mrs Taylor!
'Hello?'
Er, it's Tony.
'Who?'
Tony Towers.
Um, is Sue there?
'Who?'
Sue. Sue Taylor. My fiance.
Come on, hurry up!
That's three quid already!
'Oh, Sue!'
Sue Taylor!
'Yeah, she's not called
Sue Taylor anymore, love.'
'She's Sue Pryce now.'
'Who is this?'
Hello?"
'Hello?'
'Who is this?'
Are you done?
Shall I stop?
She's not there, is she?
I've lost her.
We never meet.
You're mad! Don't do that!
You've gone mad!
I'll just have these Hula Hoops.
That's a Rumba bar.
He can't eat that, Tony.
It's got rum in it.
Is that true?
But I wanted an Aztec Bar.
He asks you for one thing.
Let me have a look what
I've got in my bag.
I'll have it if no one wants it.
Anyone?
Get your own.
Tony!
I'm sorry, I didn't
know you wanted it.
Whoa.
Tony, what is the matter with you?
Dad!
Tony, stop it.
And this is mine, too!
Tony!
Roger, I'm so sorry...
Anything else of mine you want?
Come on, pal. Y-you're tired.
You've had a big day.
I'm not tired!
And I don't need any help from you.
I thought we were gonna be partners?
You're nothing, Roger.
You're nothing without me.
You're a parasite. You just-
you just suck out all my good ideas.
Oh, I'm Tony Towers!
Not you! I'm Tony Towers!
Shhhh.
Tony, look at what you're doing.
Go and sell your crappy headphones.
What headphones? What you on about?
What have I done?
Oh, nothing. But you will.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
Come on, girls. I think we should
go sit somewhere else.
No, no, Paula, Tony should go.
Oh yeah, that's what you'd like.
You what?
You're never gonna give me
another chance, are ya?
No, not when you're acting
like this. No.
Right, come on.
Doesn't matter how I act.
Doesn't matter what I say.
You've already
made your mind up about me!
And who's fault is that?
Sean.
You complicated this, Tony.
You did everything to ruin it.
Do you think I wanted this?
I never wanted any of this, Tony!
But the fact is, this is how it is.
And there is nothing we can do
to change that.
You want a bet?!
There you are.
Where did you go?
What?
What is it?
You deserve a happier life, Linda.
Tony?
Tony?
Tony, what are you doing?
Ugh, I might've known
you'd take that with out.
He never lets go of it.
You can't play it in the toilet.
That's the only place for it.
You know, don't think for a second
that grandad will play it.
Best put it away, son.
I mean, heaven forbid they find out
you spent your first wage packet
on a record you can't even play.
That was a solid
apprenticeship, Anthony.
You're not going to get
anything like that again.
Two pound a week before tax?
He wants to be a singer.
He what? You want to be a what?
Trust me, son. You've got many
talents. But you're no Mario Lanza.
Music's not a job.
You need a trade.
Well then why's he got a guitar?
Who? Who's got a what?
Why's Roger got a guitar
from Auntie Vi?
Don't spoil it for him.
It's not much of a mystery.
He's only ten!
He's ruined it, Mum!
You're upsetting him, Anthony.
Fine, I'll leave it then.
Next to... whatever that could be.
You know, I know for a fact that
present was very hard to come by.
Yeah. Brought her to tears.
What's that?
What's he talking about?
She cried when I asked her about it.
Said she was scared or something.
Sh-she did what?
When did you see Auntie Vi?
What did you ask her?
Why she gave Roger better presents.
You never asked her that?
When was this?
Why did she cry?
What?
Arthur, don't.
What's going on?
He is ten?
He's too young, Arthur.
What is it?
You just be quiet, mind.
There's something funny here.
You won't half catch it in a minute!
Mum, what is it?
Roger, darling.
There are things,
adult things,
things that we'll talk about
when you're a bit more grown up.
OK?
When?
When you're older.
Fifteen, sixteen.
About Auntie Vi?
Perhaps, but we'll talk
about it then.
About why she buys me nice presents?
Well, that's part of it.
But as I-as I say,
you'll just have to wait.
I can't wait.
Well you'll have to.
We're not talking about this
anymore.
But Mum-
Roger, we're not talking
about this now and that's final!
I think it's time, Celia.
Anthony,
wait in the corridor
a minute please.
Kettering!
Next stop is Kettering!
Kettering!
That's great!
Hang on.
OK, go, wait, wait.
Go back to the beginning.
On the street
Move your f...
I got the desire...
Wait, keep going.
Seagulls of love...
of-above,
Seagulls above-
Wait, wait,
just give me that. Give me that.
It's not-
it's not bad.
There we go.
See out on the street
Moving your feet
Got the desire
So don't put out the fire
Why do you cry
When you look at the sky?
Maybe we're fine
A break in the clouds
Seagull-
Wait, wait, wait, er...
Shall we make that 'eagles', like,
eagles of love.
Eagles of...? Yeah, sure.
Yeah. Eagles of Love, yeah.
Eagles of love-
Flying above
Eagles of love
Woo!
That was amazing.
Who wrote that?
He did. Er, no, we did.
It's beautiful.
Amazing.
Well, I wrote the words actually.
Why don't you come and join us?
Er, are we allowed in here?
Absolutely not.
This is- I'm Ray Davies.
Yeah, and I'm Marc Bolan.
Who?
Yeah, come and have a seat.
Thank you.
Here you go. No worries.
Look at that. Look at that.
Better than a Soho trattoria.
Yeah, we're gonna need more plonk,
hang on a minute.
Are they drunk already?
- Wait, what's he doing?
- He's gonna make...
Roger, what you doing?
Hey, that's people's stuff. Roger!
Oh, hey!
Woo! Wah-hey!
Oi, pack it in, will ya?
Oi, you, you'll get us chucked off.
Who gives a shit? Bingo.
Here we go, girls.
Roger, you can't do that.
I do what I bloody well like.
Would Madame care for an aperitif?
Don't mind if I do.
Wah-hey!
Tony, are you done yet?
I could do with a hand.
Sorry, Valerie, do you wanna join us?
No, thank you, Roger.
Er, we got a bit carried away.
I can see that.
It's frightfully good here.
Yeah, I know it's terribly Chelsea.
Tony, I'm on my own here.
I need the loo
and Jenny's lost Perky.
Yeah, so you enjoy music,
I take it, yeah?
Who are those ladies?
That's a very good question, Jenny.
I think we'd all like to know.
Well, they're friends of Rogers.
You know what he's like.
I know what you're like.
Here you go,
have a little bit of this.
Mum!
Are you going to find her toy,
or what?
Look, I'm just, er-I'm gonna...
I'll be back.
Oh, what a dreadful shame.
How am I possibly going to
entertain these two on my own?
I'm sure you'll manage.
Listen to this, so-
- This is what you were just singing?
- Is Uncle Roger coming?
Yeah, er, but we were just
doing, let's sing-along.
No, your Uncle's busy.
Out on the street
Moving your feet
Got the desire,
Don't put out-
Darling.
This guy,
I don't like this wimpy guy.
This interview is not good for you.
Don't talk to him, darling.
I get rid of him.
You, go now.
You change this train.
We hardly started.
No interview for you.
You don't like the single.
It's-it's not about what I like.
- You think it's shit.
- I like parts of it.
Why you compare us
to the bloody Vumbers?!
- Vumbers?
- Vumbers?
Vumbers.
What are Vumbers?
Vumbers? Vumbers.
V-v-vumbers?
Vumbers.
I'm sorry, I don't...
Vumbers. Vumbers!
Remember you a vumber!
Oh! Er, Wombles?
Ja! Vumbers!
You think I'm a Womble?!
I- I never said that!
He wrote it, I can check it.
Well, I-I don't write
the whole paper.
I'm not a Womble, mate!
Look, I know!
I know you wanna be
taken seriously, yeah.
But you've only had
novelty success so far.
We sold twice as many as
the Vumbers!
So, if-if you want credibility,
you're gonna have to talk
to the music press.
Ja, but you twist it!
I will not twist it! I just...
I just want some answers that
make some sort of sense.
I can't use a word of this so far.
Tony is a genius.
Fine.
Then show me.
Tony.
Yeah.
We'll give you twenty minutes.
Good.
So, why don't you start
by helping me decipher
some of these song lyrics.
Let's start with the hit.
The hit?
Mmm. Eagles of Love.
Right.
Well, um,
originally it was called Sea-
Ow!
Ha! Bulls eye!
Bloody hell.
Roger! What the hell?!
What bollocks has he
been telling ya?
Nearly had me bleedin' head off.
Roger, you really lucky
not to kill him!
Ahh, pull your knickers out
your crack, Astrid. He's fine-
Hey, don't talk to her like that.
Roger, you sit next door.
Tony's doing his interview.
No, no.
He's got enough credit already.
What does that mean?
Like you don't know.
You feel Tony doesn't
speak for the band?
Course I don't!
This thing running?
Yeah.
Whoa, careful.
Roger...
Come on, Rodge. Come on now.
No, what, why? You getting
nervous, are we, Tony?
Worried your secret might come out?
Whoops! Oooh, ooh, naughty Roger!
Slap on the wrist!
Go and sit on the naughty step!
Maybe we should do this later.
That's what you'd like, isn't it?
Roger, mate.
Honestly, I don't know what
you're talking about.
Oohh, playing it like that, are we?
Roger, I'm not doing anything!
Yeah!
That's exactly the
problem right there!
I don't understand.
Too right!
So you're saying Tony's not involved
much in terms of creativity?
This twat couldn't play
the wobble board.
You stop this interview now.
No, no, no, no.
It's, it's alright, it's alright.
I wanna hear it.
Whatever's wrong, Roger,
we can sort it out.
Yeah, not with a tape recorder!
You my shrink now?
You're upset. I can see that.
What is it?
You really want to open that
can of worms, Tone?
Cos you know what's inside.
What?
Another can,
'brother'.
I just...
I just wanna make this work,
Rodge.
That's all I want.
OK, fine.
Let's do it!
Let's get into it.
First, we need champagne.
No, Roger. No more with the booze.
Hey, you. Mr Pastry.
Champagne for the whole carriage!
Come on, that's too much, Rodge.
See how nervous he gets at
the sight of money.
Ask him why he
lives in Guernsey.
I live in Guernsey?
Ninety percent, I pay!
I'd be surprised if he pays two bob!
We find another day,
we do this after Christmas.
No, Astrid!
We do this now!
That's just rude, Rodge.
Come on, you're not like this!
This isn't you!
You don't know the first thing
about what I'm like.
Have a question, chief?
Um, well, there's, er,
there's been some, er-er,
uncertainty, rumours, actually...
Oh?!
here, about the band.
Ooh!
Regarding your performances, um...
Yeah!
you-you've had many
TV appearances.
Top of the Pops, Crackerjack,
and so forth.
Crackerjack, yeah.
Um, but there wasn't any
mention of the band ever
singing live.
Ohhh!
Wonder why that is?!
Why do you think that is, Tone?
Tony's voice is very delicate.
Oh, that's right. That's right.
Tony's voice is so delicate-
write it down.
It's so unique to have Tony's style,
Tony's charisma,
and Tony's singing voice
all in one amazing package.
I mean, imagine if
I could sing, for example.
That just wouldn't work, would it?
Who'd want to listen to
a boring twat like me?!
OK, that's enough now.
But Tony,
Tony has it all.
Go on Tony...
give us a little tune.
I'm sure we'd all like to hear it.
Wait, you can't do that.
Oh, it's alright, Astrid.
He won't use the tape.
Of course I'm gonna use the tape.
Trust me, he won't.
How do you know?
Where's he going?
Is he saying what I think
he's saying?
Definitely not.
Well, what-
what do you think he's saying?
I suppose,
he's suggesting...
that it's not
actually you that's singing.
What the-
Oh my God!
Champagne for everyone!
And?
Tony, are you with us?
Eh?
Is there something wrong?
I, um...
Well, just start from the top.
From what?
You say,
"Well, I've had an
absolutely delightful trip..."
Well, I've had an absolutely
delightful trip.
Lovely!
Walking forward.
Carry on!
And thanks to the advanced
passenger train's unique design...
Wiggling the model...
You what?
Oh! Um...
Er, we've been travelling at
an average speed of 100mph.
Then to the breakfast table.
And sit.
Er, but my coffee cup
hasn't spilt a drop.
And you go to take a drink.
Er, but don't take a drink.
What?
Yeah.
And that's the basic shape of it.
Tristan, I'm just, er, wondering if
Tony's shorts are bit short.
Er, Tony. Er, we've got to
make a little change.
Bernard!
I don't know whose idea it was to
sit you opposite Bella Emberg.
You come with me, my dear.
I think I've found a
perfect spot for you.
I don't suppose you have this
problem with radio!
Anyway, I think you're going to be
very pleased with the replacement.
I'm so excited!
Yeah, so am I.
I was only planning to watch,
I promise you.
It's OK.
Look, I'm shaking.
Hold my hand, please.
Don't worry, you'll be fine.
So, what we doing after this?
What do you mean?
Well, everyone's talking
about going to your club.
Sure.
So that's me going home then?
Why?
Well, you're not gonna
let me in, are ya?
Course I will!
Really?
Yeah!
Really?!
Yeah!
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
Sorry, Tony. Just wondering if
the shorts are a bit short?
Um... I don't know,
do you think they look alright?
Well, they just look a bit... short.
I think they look great.
Yeah, OK.
Do you think?
They're better than the ones
you had in the other ad.
Listen, Tony.
Er, we need to make an incy
wincey change to the script.
That bit about the AP travelling faster
than twice the legal limit of a car
on a motorway...
well, sandy pointed out, might not
be appropriate given recent events?
Recent events?
And with a date set
for the court case,
it's probably best to avoid
any potential overlap.
How do you mean?
Obviously we all wish your
brother the very best...
Roger?
..we can't in any way
associate this campaign
with what happened.
I'm sure you'll understand.
We'll just snip that bit out,
shall we?
OK. OK.
What-what... what happened?
'Your next station
is Market Harborough.
Market Harborough your next stop.'
Are you OK?
What, er, I'm fine, I'm fine.
You're taking it all very well.
I don't know what's going on.
None of us do.
I love you.
What?
I love you, Dad.
Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Er, To-To-To-Tony.
Is there something wrong?!
I heard he was difficult.
Widow Twankie?
What?
You do realise this is bullshit?
They better be paying you a shitload
cos you look like a knobhead, Tone.
Sorry to say it, but it's true.
You're a serious artist, mate.
Not Danny La bloody Rue.
What we need to do is
get back out there.
Get some of the old
material released.
We recorded some gems back then.
There's this guy I knew, right.
Alan, his name is.
Mainly does plumbing at the moment,
but he's proper loaded.
I told him about the music
we did together
and he said he might wanna
release some of it.
Just gotta get all of the
shitting master tapes.
Anyway, point is,
Alan's not gonna take us seriously
if you're twanking off
in crap like this.
What's that on your leg?
Oh. Ha. That.
That's a pain in the arse,
that's what that is.
Why do they have to make
these things so ugly?
Pattie made an amazing cover
that said,
"An hard act to follow"...
but, the probation officer said it
interfered with the signal.
Mum's installed a base
station over Christmas.
Just another thing that's
freaking her out.
I mean, she's an old woman, Tone.
She doesn't need all this.
Is she OK?
Course not, and all this
bollocks they've been saying.
It's the last thing she needs.
Like what?
That I went to rehab.
So what?
It's boring, everyone goes
to rehab these days.
So I sacked it off
and did it myself.
So did Pattie.
Piece of piss eighteen months.
Cheers. Done. Move on. What's next?
Anyway, you heard about
the festival?
Er, what?
We're doing a festival this
summer. Well, maybe next summer.
Anyway, we got a line-up planned.
You wouldn't believe.
So...
how old was Hendrix when he died?
Er, twenty-seven.
Exactly. Joplin.
Brian Jones.
Jim Morrison.
Buddy Holly.
I don't think Buddy Holly was...
Kurt Cobain.
Who?
We get bands.
Good bands. You know, bands we like.
To pretend
they're twenty-seven again,
and do a set, exactly as they
woulda done back then.
Rick Wakeman in a gold cape.
Peter Gabriel as a daffodil.
Well, it was a sunflower.
Exactly.
I'd pay to see that. Wouldn't you?
That's what I wanted to talk
to you about, Tone.
You move in these circles.
I do?
You're the one in here.
They're all at these do's.
So you want me to ask Peter Gabriel
to dress up as a sunflower?
Listen, if he hadn't done it before
it'd be weird, I grant ya.
But it's probably
still in his wardrobe.
Do I go to these sorts of parties?
Course you do. Look.
That's me with Christopher Biggins,
Roger.
He's hardly Dylan.
Biggins might even know
Dylan. Who knows.
Point is, we get to these people,
they hear the idea, they'll love it.
But, well...
What?
You're not sort of suggesting...
What?
Well...
you're not saying that
they shoulda died
when they were twenty-seven?
OK.
Don't help me then, Tone.
Roger.
Don't do it then,
Tone. Don't help me.
You sit there, top of the world.
Calm down, look-
Just need to get the ball rolling.
I've had a few rough years, Tone.
Dunno if you've noticed.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Can't rely on your family.
OK, OK!
Truth is Tone,
I'm not doing this for me.
I'm doing it for our mum.
Well, your mum.
Don't say that.
Well, it's true, in't it?!
OK, OK! I'll do it! I'll do it.
I'll do whatever you need.
See.
There you go.
You just wait, Tone.
This is just the beginning.
Tell you what, we'll come see this
pile of twank after Christmas.
Deal?
Mm.
Deal.
You know, you can get a
drink if you like.
Don't bother us.
Yeah, I might do that actually.
Yeah.
Knock yourself out.
Cuz.
Dad?
Dad?
You OK?
I need to remember to
check the car insurance.
Yeah, that's-
probably a good idea.
Take it easy. Eh, mate?
That the actual hat?
What?
Well, the actual real hat.
We watched every episode.
You woulda won it.
Yeah, definitely.
Will they let you go back?
Of course they won't let
him go back.
But, what about all that
work he's had done?
It's taken twenty years
off ya, honestly.
But no one will see it.
You know, you surprised me, Dad.
I did?
Yeah.
It was quite a sacrifice.
And a hell of a long way to come.
We wouldn't have minded if
you stayed in Australia.
What's Abi Titmuss really like?
Who?
Oh, yeah, like you didn't notice.
Are we allowed to laugh, Mum?
Yeah, of course you are, darling.
This is a time for
happy memories too.
Y-you put them on your page.
David's doing a myspace page...
what do you think?
Hmm?
It's not loading properly.
Eh?
Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it?
Oh, it's marvellous.
I wonder what she
woulda thought of it.
She?
Mum.
Grandma.
Well, you can ask her yourself.
Huh?
Grandma, what do you think
of David's webpage?
His what?
He's, he's done a special page
on the internet for Roger.
Well, it's no good to him now.
Oh, no, it's about Roger.
Oh, those things make my eyes hurt.
Y-you can type a message, here.
Why would I wanna do that?
He's worked so hard on it.
We worked as hard as we could
for Roger.
Did everything we could.
Maybe we could've done more.
No, I mean the page on
the worldwide web.
Maybe we did the wrong thing.
I don't know.
Come on, Celia. Let's get you
settled down here with Arthur.
I'll always have to live with that.
You have a little rest.
And we'll be right over here
if you need anything.
We shoulda kept it to ourselves.
But Arthur said no.
Thank you, love.
I don't see why she blames herself
Her mind's set. She still thinks
Roger didn't drink.
Oh.
You what?
Told her it was all lies.
Yeah, then swigs vodka from a water
bottle right in front of her.
Bold as brass.
No.
Was Pattie that fooled me.
You know, I was sure she
was good news.
She was as bad as him.
You know she turned up
at my work once.
Some sob story about
Roger beating her up.
Complete nonsense.
I gave her sixty quid, didn't I?
Turns out Roger's waiting
downstairs. Straight to the offy.
And you were way too kind.
Bad as she was though, when
those two split...
Oh, that was a mistake.
Beginning of the end, that was.
He never really got over it.
Pattie this, Pattie that.
He got it in his head that she was
in Portsmouth or something.
That's where he was walking to?
Yeah, right down the
middle of the M27.
Oh, sorry.
Cleo!
It was just horrible.
I shoulda done something.
No one coulda stopped him.
He only listens to me.
We were the Mighty Towers.
It's not such a great name any more.
Auntie Vi.
They run in the street.
Who can keep an eye on them
twenty-four hours a day?
I'm not Celia.
That's not me.
I was too scared.
Auntie.
No. No.
Come on, Tony, ya bellend.
Listen, this fella from Gladiators.
He must know people,
that show's massive.
You get me ten minutes with Wolf,
just let me talk to him.
Let me explain the concept
and you know-
Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Enough of this, Roger!
Give that back!
If you want water,
I'll get you water.
'Leicester, your next stop.
Next stop, Leicester.'
OK, you got me.
What do you want, a medal?
No, I just want you
to tell me something that's not a
steaming pile of horse shit, Roger.
Eighteen months.
Eighteen minutes, more like!
So I like a drink!
So does Pattie, so do you!
We all like a sip on a warm day.
Social drinkers now!
So what you hiding it
in that for then?!
Cos I don't wanna drink the piss
this place sells.
Oh, please, Roger.
Just stop! Stop it!
This is me! This is Tony!
Don't pretend like you give a shit!
Of course I do,
I'm your brother, mate!
Not strictly true, that. Is it?
It is to me.
Come on, Pattie. Let's go.
Where you going?
Well, looks like Leicester.
What about Mum and Dad?
It's Christmas tomorrow.
For you maybe.
It was never really Christmas
for me!
Roger, come on. Come on, please.
Please... I know where this goes!
This doesn't end well!
What does that mean?
Roger, please.
Just, just let me help you.
Oh, right.
That's what you want, innit?
What?
Make it all about you.
Just like always.
No, no, no, Rodge...
You never gave a shit about me.
You don't understand.
You're thinking
how well this makes you look!
I can see you doing it now.
"Tony saves Roger,"
"Tony the hero."
Well guess what, Tony?
I don't need saving.
Rodge, please. Please, mate.
Get your hands off me!
You don't understand!
Get off me!
You don't understand, mate!
What are you doing?!
What are you doing?
Come on!
Get off of me!
Rodge, no!
Get off!
Pattie, please! Talk to him!
Fuck you, Tony.
What?
Roger!
Rodge!
Rodge!
Roger!
Tony! Tony.
Listen, we're rather
up against it, old chap.
We really need to get a move on.
Where's Jenny? I need Jenny.
Oh, but Tony, the train will be in
Nottingham in half an hour!
Jenny!
OK. Two minutes!
Are you OK, Dad?
Jenny, I need you to listen
to me very carefully.
I'm gonna ask you some questions.
I want you to answer like
I don't know anything.
What's this for?
Alright, just, please.
Just, just pretend.
Understand?
I suppose.
OK.
Where is Roger?
He's on remand.
Why?
For speeding,
you already know this.
What did I just say? Come on.
So, is that it?
Is anyone hurt?
No, no.
That's not much of a crime, then.
Well, it wasn't his car.
Oh.
It was his accountants.
OK.
Who he'd just hit with a breadbin.
Right, and why did he do that?
Well, he thinks he conned him
out of eighty grand,
but then you told me he spent all
his tax on a pig farm
but he's not looking after them
properly and one ate his jacket-
the silver one that
Mick Ronson lent him?
And so he pushed the pig off a cliff
and now the RSPCA want him as well.
Jesus Christ.
Which is why you set up
that account for me.
Yeah, I always put a third aside
and I never touch it.
Very good, well done.
We've really got to get a move on,
I'm terribly sorry.
Now, we've had a little conflab
and we've come up with this and
we think it's much, much better.
The APT is so smooth,
the only rocking and rolling
I'll be doing is with these.
Then you hold these up.
Shall we do an availability
check on Bobby Davro?
Roger, please.
There are children on this train.
Mr Towers! Please put
your trousers back on!
Tony, where the hell have you been?
Roger...
..bloody crazy insane!
Oh, Roger.
Roger?
Put your trousers on, mate.
Mr Towers.
Looks like you got an
actual story for once.
This is all I could find.
I'll call the transport police!
Maybe I should go.
What? No, no, no. Give it here.
I've got an idea, can you open this?
But it stinks in there.
Yeah, just for a sec.
You ready?
Go, go, go, go!
Slade: Merry Xmas Everybody
Are you hanging up
a stocking on your wall?
It's the time that every Santa
has a ball
Does he ride a red nosed reindeer?
Does he turn up on his sleigh...
It's not exactly Prestige Cuve,
I know that.
As long as it's wet.
Are you still made at me?
Alright, look. Roger.
The band's clearly a mess, right.
Whatever the record company
suggested we obviously...
shouldn't have listened.
Do you mean 'we'?
OK, I, I.
I shouldn't have listened, right.
Whatever I agreed to...
it was stupid.
Are you sure you got the room
to spare inside?
You seen the state of this lot?
It's about the songs, Tone.
I know, mate.
So you wanna try again? Eh?
Do it our way this time.
We're too old.
You know what Jim Morrison was
when he died-
Yeah, he was twenty-seven. I know.
And Hendrix.
So there's less competition!
Who cares how old we are?
Hey. Leonard Cohen.
Yeah?
He was ancient before anyone
started giving a toss.
It's about what you do
right now, Rodge.
The decisions you make today.
That's what matters.
You serious?
Course I am.
You front it. You're the singer.
I'll be on...
maracas or whatever.
But you gotta promise me one thing.
What?
You come and live in Guernsey.
You what?
You're giving away 90
pence of every pound.
You choose now to give me
financial advice?
Alright, alright, alright, alright.
But we're gonna do this.
Right?
Sure.
Good!
Right now,
let me try and go
and sort out this mess.
What the bloody hell is going on?
Just hang on.
Well, will he do an interview?
Can I go?
Everybody just hold your
horses for two minutes.
Come here.
Now look, er...
Morris, isn't it?
Yeah.
How long you been doing this?
Two weeks.
OK. Listen.
You know who I am?
You know who that is?
I guess.
Do you like our music?
Not really.
No, you like metal. Don't you?
Heavy rock.
How do you know?
I bet you like Sabbath.
Yeah, course.
Perfect. Do you have any idea
how hard they had to work to write
those songs?
What's that got to do with...?
Do you know the artistic agony
that Ozzy Osbourne went through to
make Sabbath bloody Sabbath?
He ended up writing in a dungeon to
get inspiration, it half killed him.
Ooh, the struggle.
The pain.
Some people don't make it.
Nick Drake.
Ian Curtis.
Who?
That's what that is, my friend.
That's the struggle.
Right there.
Now, you've handled this well.
I mean, brilliantly, actually.
Now, play your cards right.
You could be destined for big
things on the back of this.
But just remember,
you don't get
Children of the Grave...
without that.
I love that song.
Course you do. Now,
you wanna support new music.
You want another Sabbath album,
that's Ozzy. Right there.
So,
how about you just let him
slip off at the next station.
You know what I'm saying.
No need to get the police involved.
That way you're doing it
for the arts.
You're doing it for the music.
You're doing it... for Ozzy.
Paranoid. Wheels of
Confusion. Hand of Doom.
Electric Funeral.
Rat Salad.
OK, folks. I want everyone
to move to the back.
What the hell was that?
It worked, didn't it?
Keep it moving.
'Loughborough is your next station.
Your next station is Loughborough.'
Why aren't you in first class?
You're Tony Towers.
You shouldn't be down here.
Oh, can I ask you a question?
OK.
Those girls on your show.
You know, holding the teas
made or whatever.
How did they get that job?
Cos it doesn't look that hard to me.
I don't know. Um,
I'm sure I could find out.
Really? You could really do that?
Yeah.
Oh, that's amazing.
I mean, Dolcis is alright.
The people are nice and everything,
but I don't wanna be there forever.
Oh! I'm sorry, I'm Sue, by the way.
So, we haven't met before.
Not actually met.
You made a joke about me once
in the audience though.
Although, it could've
been about Elaine.
The lights are very bright,
it was hard to tell.
When was this?
We came on a work do
to watch the show.
God, there's a lot of waiting
around, isn't there?
I mean, I'm not saying
it's boring or anything.
It's just not like on telly.
You must've shouted
"come on down!" about
two hundred times.
So, is that what I'm known for, then?
You what?
I'm not known for music?
Music? What sort of music?
Eagles of Love?
What's that then?
It's a song. In the charts.
What? Recently?
No, it's not on here.
It was a hit. I think.
When was this?
Oohh, seventy-four, seventy-five.
Oh. Well,
I should know it.
I always watched Top of
Pops after school.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
How did it go?
What you-you want me to sing
it for you right now?
Yeah, go on then.
I mean, I didn't know
Tony Towers could sing.
Alright.
Um...
Eagles of Love
Flying above
You can join in any time you like.
Eagles-
Everybody! All together now!
You're having me on.
I'm not, I'm not. I'm not.
Well, I don't mean
to be rude or nothing.
But you're not much of
a singer are you?
Oh, you don't mean to be rude?
It was my brother, er...
my cousin who was the singer.
I guess it worked out
best for you, then.
Yeah, I guess it did. Yeah.
Although I'd rather be in a band.
Everyone wants to be in a band.
Yeah, but...
we had something.
My cousin...
had something.
So where's he then?
I don't know.
Oh, it's like that, is it?
He's, um...
well, he's a bit troubled.
Oh.
I don't recognise him anymore.
He, he used to sell those.
You know, he-he had a wife.
Two lovely kids, twins.
I guess they don't exist anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry. That's terrible.
Although, I suppose his wife would
but...
but not in the same way.
It's all very confusing.
Yeah, well,
families are complicated.
Don't even get me
started on mine.
I bloody dread this trip every year.
We get to about, I don't know,
eleven o'clock on Christmas day
and it all kicks off.
I just stay quiet now.
Don't say anything.
My new rule is,
let people live their own lives.
It's not my responsibility.
Does that sound cruel?
I suppose not.
I mean, I'm there for 'em.
Of course, if they want my help,
I'm there like that.
It's family, but,
they've gotta ask.
I'm only there if they ask.
Meanwhile, I get on with my life.
How's this?
Aaah.
Good enough for an audition?
Oh, that's very good. Very good.
I...
am gonna write my number down.
I'm still at my mum's till
I can get my own place.
But if I'm not in
she'll take a message.
Yeah, I'm-I'm not gonna take this,
Sue.
You what?
Meet someone nice and,
and move to Norfolk.
What do you mean?
Have ten kids.
What?
Wear chunky jumpers.
Drink soup.
How did you...?
Er, maybe I can just talk to him.
Just, just give me five minutes.
Hey, hey! What's going on Morris?!
I tried Mr Towers,
but he wouldn't get off.
You won't get this from David Essex.
Roger!
Roger!
There's no point.
You tried to help him,
but you can't unscramble an egg.
Hey, watch it.
You're not on the Sweeney, you know.
Ow! Ooh, Christ!
Ow! That bloody hurt!
Oh, cor! Watch it! That's me
meat and two veg!
And a merry Christmas to you,
you wazzy.
The Platters: Whispering Grass
You've done everything you can do.
You can't look after him forever.
You've got to live your own life,
Tony.
Come on.
Whispering Grass
The trees don't have to know
No, No
Why tell them all your secrets?
Who kissed there long ago?
Whispering Grass
The trees don't need to know...
Don't you tell it to the breeze
'Cause she will tell
the birds and bees
And everyone will know
Because you told
the blabbering trees
Yes, you told them once before
It's no secret
Anymore
Why tell them all the old things?
They're buried under the snow.
Whispering Grass
Don't tell the trees
'Cause the trees
don't need to know
Don't you tell it to the breeze
'Cause she will tell
the birds and bees
And everyone will know
Because you told
the blabbering trees
Oh yes, you told them
Once before
And it is no secret
Anymore
I will not have gossip
in this jungle
Why tell them all the old things?
They're buried under the snow.
Whispering Grass
Don't tell the trees
'Cause the trees
Don't need to know.
Mum, I need to talk to you.
Not yet, Anthony!
But I need to talk to you...
Outside!
I won't tell you again.
I mean, we all knew it fall off
back of a lorry, but he insists, see?
Just yell things on a level.
We all like a bit of fun.
He says he brought it
for twenty smackers.
I says, "twenty smackers? You're
having a laugh, ain't ya?"
It's not as if times was normal.
Well, a girl goes serious
with a bloke, that's one thing.
Too many of them is making
themselves cheap with them yanks.
Well, they've got to give us
the place now, pre-fab or not.
They said we'd need another
sixty points, see?
I mean, it's just not right.
It was a diabolical
liberty if you ask me.
Why the deuce didn't they
check the ground before the match?
And you're not one to
kick up a stink.
Well, I was half inclined to think
it was some sort of practical joke.
There's nothing funny about
stopping a test match.
You only have one bottle?
Er, just the one, yes.
So I said to the chap from the Royal
Engineers, "Be a sport, old chap.
At least let us see the innings out."
And do you know what he did?
He had the confounded impudence
to laugh in my face.
You quite sure you won't stay up,
Vi?
Just stay for Christmas?
No, I'd rather get straight back.
Closing up the dining car now,
chaps.
Oh, here you are my dear.
Oh, thank you.
So I said, "I fail to see what's
so frightfully funny?"
But he just gives me the brush off
and says,
"hop it, before this thing blows."
I mean, really.
Are you really trying to tell me
there's an unexploded bomb
under the crease?!
You can see the pitch?
Of course, the wicket's right there.
I- I just know I'll drop him or
lose him or do something wrong.
I just can't.
Of course you won't.
Look, it's for the best.
So I-I stepped over
the boundary.
Good show, old boy.
Well, I said, "I didn't do my bit
in that lot to be treated like this."
So what happened?
Oh, it was a right old dust up.
If it hadn't been for
'Dizzy' Henderson,
heaven knows where I'd be.
Cooling your heels in a
police cell, no doubt.
That's Trent station.
We'll be there in ten minutes.
Perhaps I should take him now
and get ready and that.
That's lovely, dear.
Anthony, don't bother your Auntie.
Surely Dick Pollard
would have hit the bomb by now.
Exactly.
If anything's going to blow it up
it's...
Anthony! What on earth are you
doing? Get off!
Don't be so silly.
Hey, little Roger.
Final destination,
Nottingham Victoria.
() Anthony!
Oi! What are you doing?!
Get out of here!
Come back here!
Oi! Stop!
Stop!
Anthony!
Is he alive?!
He's just coming round.
Why did you do that? You silly boy.
Why did you do that?
Don't ever do anything
like that again.
I'm so-I'm sorry.
Mummy's so sorry.
You're safe now.
You're safe now. Mummy's got ya.
Mummy's got ya.
We'll need to have a
look at that leg.
There's room to lie him down
in the front carriage.
Come on, son.
Use your good leg.
'This is your final stop.
Nottingham Station where this
service will terminate.'
Aw, Happy Christmas!
We Wish You A Merry Christmas
Out on the street
Moving your feet
Got the desire
So don't put out the fire
Why do you cry
When you look at the sky
Maybe we found
A break in the glass
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love
Wings of gold
To guide you home
They rise like the sun
When hope is gone
Taking flight
In the dead of night
Be on the stone
The sweetest song
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love
Flying above
Eagles of love...
AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk