Last Train to Fortune (2025) Movie Script
Last train to Fortune
left here at 12:05.
No, you didn't get here till 12:15.
I know that, 'cause that's when
I start closing up around here.
The next train to Fortune
doesn't come here for another week.
Now, how you spend that time
is your own business.
All I'm saying is that
the gentleman that was kind enough
to transport me to this rail
station outpost,
he assured me that the train to Fortune
leaves at 1:05 PM.
- And he told you wrong.
- What am I ever to do?
I simply must be in Fortune by
Monday morning at the very latest.
Preston City is only about
a mile back that way.
There's a livery there,
and you can get a horse.
It's a two-day ride from Preston
to Fortune.
You play your cards right,
you can be trotting in there
about this time Sunday.
But I wouldn't let any grass grow
under you. I'd get a move on.
The Wild West.
Well, gentlemen, ladies,
we'd better rest for a few moments.
We have a long hot walk ahead of us.
Perhaps a few pages of Homer
will reinvigorate and inspire us
for our own arduous odyssey ahead.
What the devil?
Oh, if I didn't know any better,
I'd swear that was a bullet hole.
- Don't turn around.
- It is a bullet hole!
- Good God. I'm being burgled.
- I said don't turn around!
Just a mere reflex, sir.
No, ill intent meant.
- Empty your pockets.
- Oh, well, I don't have anything.
So yeah, please, sir.
I am very ticklish.
Oh, no sir please, it's all the money
I have. It's everything, God!
- Give me your valuables.
- I only have my school ring here, here.
And the watch.
You don't want this old watch,
surely sir,
it's worthless and the clasp is broken.
I only keep it for sentimental reasons.
Belonged to my father.
It was passed down
through the generations.
My dear departed father,
he was the most important person
in the world to me
- and gentle and learned...
- Shut up!
My father had that watch
engraved for me
with his favorite inspirational quote.
What's in the bags?
Oh that, sir, I beg you, sir.
You don't want what's in that bag.
It is, it's worthless.
It's just, oh, no...
- Oh. Books?!
- Yeah.
There ain't nothing in here
but stupid books.
Yes. They're just stupid books.
You're absolutely right.
- You a salesman?
- No, sir. I'm a pedagogue.
A peda... what?
- An educator.
- Huh?
- Sir? I'm a school master.
- School. Screw school. Now. Move.
- Please, sir, you've got the watch...
- I said shut up.
Oh, boots. No Levis.
Just a bunch of pansy shit. Typical.
Yes. It's just my underwear, sir.
You surely...
Now, if you know what's good for you,
you'll just keep sitting there
till I'm clean out of here.
You understand old man?
I'll remain ever so still,
you have my word.
I beg your pardon, sir. Sir, Sir!
If I may borrow just one more moment
of your time.
Whoa!
- Great Scott, impressive aim, sir!
- Don't try to butter me up.
Now you either ain't right in the head
or you got a death wish.
Oh, well, believe me,
under ordinary circumstances
I would never disobey such a decisive
command. But alas I'm desperate.
And we all know
what a Hippocrates said.
- Who?
- You know Hyp... Anyway...
He said desperate times call
for desperate measures.
No? Oh, well. No matter.
I'm merely stating that I would never
be so brazen as tempt fate like this
if I wasn't such a desperate man.
You're about to be a dead man.
I should specify.
I thought I was going to Fortune
and I unfortunately
missed the last train.
And I must be in Fortune by Monday.
Hence, a teacher can't be late
for the first day of school.
How about I offer you
a business proposition?
- A what?
- I mean, please forgive my presumption,
but it seems blatantly obvious
that you are a man in need of funds.
I mean, you've already taken all
I had on my person,
but I can offer you further compensation
when we get to Fortune.
- When we get to Fortune?
- Exactly. Yes.
You see, I'm the New School Master
of Fortune.
I have a stipend waiting for me
upon my arrival.
My first month's salary in full.
If you would escort me to Fortune
in time for Monday morning's bell.
I will be ever so happy to pass it
over to you.
- How much?
- A month's pay.
For a mere two day trip to Fortune.
Do we have an agreement, sir?
Oh, Jesus. I'll be right there, sir.
Hello? Hello, sir.
Hey, you have an agreement.
I won't be one snippet of trouble.
I make a superb traveling companion.
I have some wonderful books
for the journey.
- I ain't got no interest in reading.
- What?
Well, perhaps you're just
not reading the right books.
I mean, you know, reading it's a gift.
Challenges the imagination
and enables one to experience many
lives and countless adventures.
I live out real adventures.
I don't need to read about nobody else's.
You got a horse?
Well, well, um, that is part
of the problem. You see?
Uh, I was going to take the train.
But I'd be very happy
just to walk alongside yours.
You're in luck.
So I just happen to be passing
right through Fortune.
Yes.
And if, and you want to walk
all that way next to my horse,
I guess that's your business.
But if you breathe one word
about me holding you up,
I'll blow your head off
from them spindly shoulders.
Fear not. My lips are sealed.
I'm forever in your debt.
Thank you so much.
I'm coming right behind you.
Oh, look, Hang on, sir. God.
Hang on!
Let's go.
That is certainly some steed, sir.
It's all right.
I've got this. I'm keeping up.
Look not to question
your navigational prowess,
but wouldn't be a lot easier just
to follow the railway lines.
We're taking a shortcut.
Leave them behind.
- What do you mean leave them behind?
- I said leave them.
- They're slowing us down.
- Alright.
I can acquire new undergarments
in Fortune,
yes, but my books, no, my books
are irreplaceable, Sir.
I will never leave these books.
I mean, what is a teacher
without books?
Well, you're going, no one's gonna
give one dime about damn books.
I respectfully must agree
to disagree.
My sole purpose of traveling
from England to the New World
...was to teach
the wide-eyed waifs of Fortune.
Hey, what are you doing now?
I cannot allow you to take my books.
You, you can't do that, sir.
You, you mustn't do that.
Please! I mean, everything that I'm
is in these books, sir!
I must have them to teach.
Please.
Oh, oh, wonderful idea.
Oh, thank you. Oh, yes, saddlebacks.
I wonder what they were for.
Wonderful!
You are a very reasonable man, Mr...
I don't think I quite caught your name,
mister...
Alright, I'll go first.
My name is Cecil Caldecott
Peach Tree III from London, England.
- At your service, sir. And you are...
- Dooley, Jedidiah Dooley.
But don't you never tell no one
my name.
Yes. Mum's the word though.
Mum's the word.
Mr. Dooley, clearly we English
have been harboring a false impression
of your Americans.
I mean, the stories we hear
about Lawless American West,
I mean clearly nonsense, erroneous.
In actuality you are a friendly
and obliging lot.
Oh, we ain't all so friendly.
Better mount up fast.
- I beg your pardon?
- Get in the saddle quick.
- Do you know those two gentlemen?
- Gentlemen they ain't.
Now move your ass. Hurry up, old man.
- Right, right, right.
- Come on!
- Get your foot in the saddle.
- I've never mounted a stallion before.
- Gimme a minute.
- We ain't got a minute. Up!
- Wait a minute. This can't be right.
- Come on!
Ouch! You're whipping me?
Mr. Dooley. They catching up.
- Now they shooting at us.
- Well, then duck, God damn it!
- Come on, lean to your left.
- I feel sick.
Your other left.
Come on!
- I mean, we lost them.
- There we go. Bully! Jesus!
Watch where you're shooting
that thing, idiot!
- You okay?
- Oh, well, that was exciting.
Ah, yeah. They were. Yes.
What the hell are you doing facing
that way for, turn your ass around.
- God dammit.
- Whoa!
I've got cramp.
Cramp. There you go.
Come on. Get your ass back up on here.
Do it the right way this time.
Who, pray tell, were those hooligans?
What could they possibly have wanted?
I mean, it seems to me
that they might have found
a more civilized method
of handling the situation.
I mean, perhaps if we'd had
a courteous conversation with them,
maybe they'd listen to reasons.
You're a teacher?
Got a lot to learn, old man.
Well, this is certainly
more than we'd bargained for.
We've already been abandoned
on the rail depot,
held under gunpoint
and chased and shot at by bandits.
Oh, if only father could see us now.
I dare say it gives one
a certain feeling of exhilaration.
We, who's we?
Oh, why William Shakespeare,
Alfred Lord Tennyson,
Charles Dickens, Henry David Thoreau,
Jane Austen.
- Who?
- The authors of my books.
They're like family to me. I mean,
surely you've heard of some of them.
Nope. I ain't never heard of none
of those names.
Oh, heavens. Triple negative.
I think what you meant to say is,
I haven't ever heard
of any of those names.
Hey, if, and you want this trip
to go nice and smooth,
like never ever tell me
what I mean again. Got it?!
Yes. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, of course.
Force of professional habit.
I mean, I'll try.
Yeah, I'll try my best.
- Try real hard, Huh?
- Sorry, sorry.
Of course.
You know, being an only child,
I didn't have the companionship
of a sibling.
So I sought my refuge in books.
The characters were so vivid to me.
I mean, I'm not suggesting
that I was a lonely child.
Quite the contrary.
My mother was a social butterfly.
The most wonderful dinners
that she gave.
I met the most extraordinary people
from all strata of society.
I remember wonderful dinner party
she gave
and invited a very famous conductor,
actually for dinner.
He passed wind. And we were giggling.
We had to leave the room.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- What?
Keep quiet.
Stand up real slow, like...
- Whatever for?
- Get up.
No sudden movements. Okay?
Don't wanna spook the man.
Howdy!
Dear Lord! He's approaching us.
Just keep smiling at him.
Let me do the talking.
Oh yeah. Wool tweed from London.
Nice wool.
Don't make a move.
- Okay. Stay still.
- Good heavens. What does he want?
He'll let us know. Then he'll leave.
Hopefully.
Oh, it's my books.
He cannot have my books.
I wouldn't tell it him that.
Books you like, nice. Take your pick.
Oh, don't encourage him, Mr. Dooley.
- Keep your trap shut.
- But he can't have them. I forbid it!
Don't listen to him, Chief.
You take whatever you want.
Fine.
If you must have a book,
I suggest this one.
It's a seminal work.
What?
You can still read it, you just read
around the hole.
No.
This you will like.
Walden, Henry David Thoreau.
Yes, it's about a naturalist
similar to yourself.
Now the book is a reflection
of simple living in natural surroundings.
Perheps...
He can't understand you.
Thoreau?
I've read it.
You see Mr. Dooley reading unites
cultures of around...
No, please.
You want my Dickens?
You got it, chief.
All yours, buddy.
I'm afraid you won't like that one.
It's far too dense.
Oh, it has too many characters.
Very hard to understand.
No. Oh, for me?
- Take it.
- Chief, please.
What is this?
That's too sour for my palate.
Well, I'll have you note
that gentleman just walked off
with the selected works of Dickens.
And for what?
A small sack of sour berries.
Well, that's hardly a worthwhile
exchange, in my opinion.
I'm totally grief stricken.
Oh, you're breaking my heart.
Now move.
- This part reminds me of Whales.
- The big fish?
No, the country of Whales.
You know, though, we mourn the loss
of our beloved Charles Dickens,
at least we have William Shakespeare
to enliven our spirits.
There's a certain civility one feels
when traveling with The Old Bard.
- Wouldn't you agree?
- Huh?
Would you care to read it?
I mean, it's quite delicious.
The only delicious thing I want right
now is some fricassee rabbit.
Let's see if we can't kill one
before it gets too dark.
What? What do you mean kill?
You mean dead?
You know my housekeeper,
Mrs. Wilberforce, oh God.
She prepared all my meals.
Oh, she was a saint.
Especially for a man not blessed
with the wife of his own.
- He's a fat one.
- Oh Lord, he's so cute.
Look, I'd be content with the chief's
berries. You know, sours, they are.
- Watch out!
- Jesus, look what you did!
- Oh, the poor little thing.
- Get your ass back to the campsite.
Let me handle this without you
breathing all down my damn neck.
Don't you have beans?
I mean, old cowboys have beans.
- What?
- Skin it!
What? I, I will do no such thing!
Well, maybe in merry old England,
you eat rabbit different.
But out here, we skin 'em and cut out
the guts before we cook 'em.
- I'm gonna get some firewood.
- Honestly, Mr. Dooley,
I think I'd be far superior
at gathering firewood
than at skinning prey.
Would it at all be possible
to trade off?
I did the killing.
Now you do the skinning.
God, oh dear.
My deepest apologies
for the indignities
that you are about to suffer.
Finger licking good.
The larks on the wing,
the snails on the thorn,
God is in heaven.
- All's right with the world.
- Quit that Bible reading.
If I wanna hear God talk,
I go to church.
I can't imagine you wanting
to go to church all that often.
Shows what you know.
My mama God rest her soul,
she used to drag me to church
every Sunday
to beat the good Lord
into her hell spawn.
Yeah, I hated it.
But looking back now,
it's about the only good memories
I got with her before she got sick.
I suppose you are right, though.
I ain't been to church
in a coon's age,
but that don't mean I ain't right
with God.
Me and him, we, we got an understanding.
He gets me.
I'm sure he does.
And by the way, for your information,
this is not the Bible.
This is Robert Browning.
Not to be too presumptuous, but, um,
I gather your education was limited.
The only learning one needs to know
out here is how to shoot straight
and how to count your money.
You see, that's where I beg to differ.
Mr. Dooley.
Practical knowledge of one's trade
is of course certainly important.
But a broader education is the tool
that breaks down all barriers.
Speaking of education,
I've been wondering.
How come an educated fellow like you
is going to Fortune?
I mean, it's just a spit buck
in the middle of nowhere.
Well, sir, if truth be known.
I was dismissed from my last post
for a gruesome display
toward my superior.
- Wait, you was fired from teaching?
- Regrettably and shamefully. Yes.
- What'd you do? Gruesome librarian?
- I struck the headmaster.
You, you thumped the boss?
I mean, it feels, if it wasn't me at all,
but some pagan,
some loathsome creature
who overtook my senses.
- But alas, it was me.
- So, what did you wallop the old geezer.
Well, I had a very bright pupil,
And he was reading an essay
he'd written on the possibility
that we humans have descended
from tiny microscopic organisms
- inspired by Darwin. You know.
- Wait, who?
A rather iconoclastic biologist.
Nonetheless, he said,
Darwin points out rather aptly
that perhaps man evolved
from tiny one celled organisms
to his present state.
Well, much to our surprise,
the headmaster was listening at the door.
And before we even had a chance
to debate the topic,
he just burst into the room
and screamed,
"How dare you blaspheme
under this roof, you heathen?
God is the only creator of man."
And then he took the stick
and started to beating poor Barnabas.
That's when the beast rose
from within me.
I snatched the rod from him
in a fit of uncontrollable rage
I struck the poor man across
the head.
And I said to him,
in a trembling tone,
"Sir, don't you ever strike
one of my students ever again."
Holy shit! Good on you, boy.
Um, it was a momentary victory,
I'm afraid.
After I was dismissed, I couldn't get
a post anywhere in England.
So I decided that it was time
to move to the New World.
But alas, my tarnished reputation
had already preceded me
at all the finer American academies.
And it turns out
I was unhireable here too.
It was then that I saw an advert
in the Boston Gazette.
"The town of Fortune is looking
for a teacher". So I wrote.
And they responded
with a letter of acceptance.
End of one chapter,
the beginning of another.
Why don't you just give up teaching
and find another job?
Give up teaching? Never.
You see, Mr. Dooley, all I ever
wanted to do was to teach.
Where I serve and to whom I now know
is in the hands of a higher power.
Because teaching, I mean,
it's not just a job, it's my calling.
And fate has now led me
to answer that calling
in the tiny frontier town of Fortune.
You see the purpose of teaching,
it isn't just to force students
to memorize facts and dates.
It's to inspire them.
To unlock that little door
hidden deep within us all,
that gives us permission to dream...
dream of a better life ourselves.
And a better future for all.
I think back
on all those wonderful teachers
who had such an impact on my life.
I'm forever grateful to them.
I so wish I'd said something to them
because now I know just how much
that would've meant for them.
The greatest reward
that a teacher can receive
is the knowledge that he's made
a difference,
even if it's just one child's life.
Goodnight. Sweet Prince.
Get up princess. Time to ride.
There's a little coffee left.
Oh, well thank you.
Don't gimme that look.
I only gave you that blanket
'cause your teeth were chattering
so loud
it sounded like you was rattling coins
in a tin cup.
How else was I supposed
to gimme sleep?
Well, thank you just the same.
- Do you happen to have any tea?
- Don't like it. Good! More for me.
Okay. Whoa. Oh, ah.
Now get your ass moving.
We got a lot of ground to cover today.
Do you have a shovel?
My goodness. You got us to Fortune
a whole day early.
You're amazing. Mr. Dooley. Amazing!
Oh no. This ain't Fortune.
Fortune don't look this good, this Lobo.
Now get off.
- I beg your pardon?
- We ain't riding into town piggyback.
Oh, you get off right here.
- Hey, where will I find you?
- Miss Lily's saloon.
And what about my books? Hey!
Jolly nice day for a walk!
I don't know what so jolly nice about it.
What? Hello!
Hey there, lads. Your rock hit me
on the back of head.
- It was an accident.
- Yes.
I surmised as much as a result it is
incumbent on you to apologize to me.
- There's a what on me.
- What?
Oh, uh, it, it's incumbent upon you.
Meaning it, it's a necessary duty
for you to apologize.
- Come on, let's get outta here.
- Oh, whoa. Wait, wait a minute.
Hold on there a moment.
Do lads go to school?
Nope. Not no more.
What? You relinquished
your studies at your ages?
Our teacher is dead.
Mr. Banks shot him,
for calling his son in an idiot.
Hey.
That's a note.
Don't call anyone's child an idiot.
Aces full of kings, Chip.
Four of a kind, twos.
God damn it! Desert Canery.
What's the rush, kid?
Should try your luck at another hand.
Damn dammit, Cecil.
Who creep up on a man like that.
You could get shot.
You just lost my father's beautiful
watch in a card game.
No, my watch, Old man, mine.
And by the way, it's Cecil.
We should be leaving now.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
We should be...
Look what you did to my shirt.
You're supposed to say, excuse me.
- I believe I did. Good, sir.
- Yeah, I heard him say it.
Now let him go before I put a hole
in that shirt next.
You know what I say when a young
snot nose punk is tryin' to threaten me?
Huh?
Hurley, kindly escort this gentleman
from the premises!
Now what can I get you two?
Well, look at what the jackals
dragged in.
- How you doing Dooley?
- Never better Lil.
- How about some whiskey?
- Amanda! Lover Boy is here.
And what's your pleasure,
sweet stuff?
No, nothing for me.
Thank you, ma'am.
Dooley!
It's been such a long time
this time.
I thought you was never coming back.
I'm sorry about that baby.
I've been working. I'm back now.
Oh, who is this sweet old thing?
Your grandpa?
- Him? No, he ain't my grandpa.
- Your friend?
And he definitely ain't my friend.
Actually, we are traveling companions.
Traveling companions.
He's kind of cute. Ain't he, Lil?
Uh, yeah, he sure is.
Just look at them baby blues.
Madam, charmed and enchantment.
We finally got a gentleman
in this dump.
Dooley, where a low life desperado
like you
for find a silver fox like him?
Permit me to introduce myself.
Cecil Caldecott Peachtree the third
at your service, Ma'am.
Damn mouthful. Don't you think?
"A name pronounced is the recognition
of the individual to whom it belongs.
He who can pronounce my name alright,
he can call me,
and is entitled to my love and service."
Henry David Thoreau.
Cecil here's a bookworm. Come on.
Cic, loosen up for once. Lil,
whiskey for the book, man. I'm buying.
Mr. Dooley,
I never partake in spirits,
I save for the occasional rum punch
at Christmas soires.
Wait, Mr. Dooley.
I didn't see our steed outside
when I came into the saloon.
- I mean, it wasn't stolen, I hope?
- Our steed... Ain't he something?
My books are there. It's just I can't
abide having them out of my sight.
- We simply must be going.
- Relax.
Our steed is at the livery
having shoe change.
You entrusted my beloved
traveling companions,
my rare editions
to a common frontier blacksmith.
Well, what's your hurry?
Why don't you stay a while and
have a little drink with me?
Private like...
Thank you, Ma'am, so much,
but I'm most uneasy when my books
are out of my sight.
I told you he's crazy.
Well, I got a book upstairs
if that's what turns you on, darling.
It's called the Cam-ma-sut-ra.
You ever hear of it?
Kammasutreay?
Oh the Kamasutra, hey...
Oh, well I can safely say that is one
book that I have never read.
- No, I just look at the pictures.
- It has pictures?
I can't open these buttons here.
The spittoon is for spitting in,
not for pissing. You, filthy animal!
Take it outside.
- Damn it, Lil.
- Next time I'll stab it to the wall.
You and the goddamn wall, God.
I'm sorry, darling.
Now what were we saying?
Oh, yes, I was gonna buy you a drink.
Fine, but that instead of a libation,
you wouldn't happen to have
a cup of tea.
No, not with the tea again.
Come here. Come here.
Listen to me. Drink a whiskey.
I've never drunk whiskey. I mean,
not straight whiskey in my whole life.
That it's high time. You dig?
Now, if you wanna see Fortune,
drink it. Buck up!
Oh, well, when in Rome...
Chi-chin.
You don't sip it like
a prissy little old lady at a doily party.
You down it like a man. Watch.
Barkeep, I'll have another!
Hey, listen.
I'll be back in a jiff,
don't afraid about that damn books.
We'll get 'em.
Where you...
- Here you go.
- For me?
I do say the taste
rather grows on one, doesn't it?
Oh yeah. I would say.
- Hello!
- Ain't that a sexy number?
It's from France. It took six months
to get here. You like it?
Like it? I love it.
I'm so glad you're staying this time,
Dooley. You know what I wish?
I wish I could go to France
someday and see Paris.
I just know I'd love it so.
Well, your wish is my command.
My baby wants to go to Paris.
My baby gets to go to Paris.
Yeah. Right.
Wait, are you being serious?
- Serious as typhoid fever, baby.
- Dooley, Dooley.
That would be the most wonderful thing
anybody has ever...
Wait a minute. How can you afford
to go to Paris?
You can barely afford a can of beans.
Oh, you just leave that to me.
I got some big ideas I'm working on.
Here I got you something to prove
my intentions.
Close your eyes
and put out your hands.
Okay, okay.
And open them.
What do you think?
Oh my God, Dooley. It is beautiful!
That one had a more full bodied
flavour.
Do I detect, uh, hibiscus?
It's all coming from the same bottle,
sweetheart.
Are you, uh, are you feeling okay?
Maybe you had enough.
You look like you might need
to lie down.
Ruckus juice.
Doesn't anyone say please
in this prepubescent country?
Well I know you.
It's the philistine
who stole my father's watch.
What the hell are you babbling about,
old-timer? And who is Phyllis?
I'm ordering you now, sir,
to hand it over post haste.
Is this what
you're talking about here?
This was yours?
Pretty ain't it?
I've grown attached to this.
What if I don't give it back to you?
What are you gonna do about it?
Careful now.
Okay.
Dooley, Dooley get downstairs.
Your little friend's in a heap
of trouble, hurry.
Oh shit. What the hell is it now?
- I'm sorry baby.
- It's okay. Oh, Shit.
Dooley, hurry.
What the hell it's the matter with you?
Can't you see he's delicate.
Son of a bitch!
You humored me earlier,
but now you've done agitated my mood.
It makes you feel good
to beat an old man?
Mr. Dooley. Let me just cover
this gentleman's cleaning bill.
- Violence is never the answer.
- Your old friend may be right.
He may be right, folks,
let's let bygones be bygones.
That's one way to get
your winnings back.
Sometimes, teach, violence is
the only answer. Did you see all that?
I certainly did.
Howdy sheriff?
Buy you a drink?
Get up, Dooley. You got company.
You can only stay a minute.
You sure know how to get a guy
in a mess of trouble, old man.
Oh, listen, I've got the most
terrible migraine.
And by the way, if my memory serves,
it was you who insisted
that I ingest that foul toxin.
Well, how was I supposed to know
you had a gag button
like a rigged penny slot machine.
Another colorful idiom.
- What'd you call me?
- The word is idiom,
a figurative, non-literal phrase.
Mr. Dooley, with your permission,
I intend to remove my property
from your saddlebags
and find an alternative escort
to Fortune.
Thank you for getting me this far.
Wait, wait. You can't trust no one
from here to take you to Fortune.
This patch of dirt is all thieves
and outlaws.
If I could just get out here,
we could be on our way.
- Bust me out.
- Good heavens! Absolutely not.
Do you want the sheriff to hear?
Now listen. You can do this.
Never. I'm a principle man.
Well, what about that kid
you were telling me about?
From, from one of them books.
What was his name again?
Oliver Twixit.
Mr. Dooley I do believe
you've been listening to me.
And you really amaze me. Of course
you are referring to Oliver Twist.
Yeah, exactly. Didn't, didn't you say
he busted out somewhere?
Ah, yes. Young master Twist breaks
free of the arduous workhouse.
A harrowing escape. That's it.
A more apt example might be
the count of Monte Cristo.
Now that's the pinnacle
of prison novel.
- See...
- That's entirely different.
I mean, pure fiction.
Look, I'm only in this cage
'cause I was sticking up for you.
Now how about you show a little
appreciation and help me out.
Absolutely not.
Shut up!
- Oh God.
- God Damn it, Dooley, shut up!
- Knock off all that racket.
- You ain't help me? Call for doctor.
Quit your belly aching
and sleep it off.
Jesus Christ!
That's blood! I'm gonna get the doc.
You hang on!
Mr. Dooley.
- Is he gone?
- Yes.
Got it handed to you, teach. Using
those berries was a damn good idea.
He totally bought it.
Well, we've got the chief
to thank for that.
That's right. Thanks Chief.
Okay, now work fast.
- Keys.
- Yes, keys. Come on. Go get 'em.
Go get 'em. That way.
- Over here.
- Okay. Did you do like I said?
I did indeed, sir.
Good, let's move.
Oh my goodness. This reminds me
of my eighth summer
when I ate all my mother's damson jam
and blamed poor Thomas Wick.
Oh, I didn't confess. And he was paddled
for it. Oh my goodness.
Sorry, mommy. Sorry, Tommy.
Come on. Get on that horse. Oh, Shit.
What you doing boy?
Get back here, you bastard!
Don't make me shoot you, boy..
- Dooley!
- Coming back for you, baby.
When I can afford to take you
to Paris.
I'll be waiting, baby.
- Goodbye, Ma'am!
- Bye bye, baby blues.
Hold! Huh?
What? Dooley!
If we head out at sun up,
we'll be pulling into Fortune
just in time for Sunday supper.
How's that for service?
Miraculous. That'll give me an entire
night to get settled and organized
before the 7:00 AM Monday
morning bell.
You are indeed a man of your word,
Mr. Dooley. Thank you.
You ever get tired of reading those
same books over and over again?
No. Never.
You know, I still don't know
what's supposed to be so damn fun
about reading.
It introduces you to new ideas,
expands your knowledge.
Plus being educated opens up a whole
new world of possibilities
with regard to one's future.
I'd wager with a decent education
you'd be able to get a wonderful job.
- No, correction, career!
- You think? What makes you so sure?
Thoreau said: "It's not what you
look at. It's what you see."
I may be looking
at a fearsome outlaw,
but what I see is a bright young man
with a brilliant future ahead
of him if he wants it.
Now, look, I've selected a book for you.
This is Gulliver's travels.
It's about an adventurer
such as yourself,
but it's also a biting satire
on politics and human nature
Alright. Read it to me.
Well, I really think you'd enjoy it
more if you read it yourself.
I don't wanna read it myself.
I just want to hear it.
- You know what? Just forget it.
- Fair enough.
Mr. Dooley...
Do you use that thing often?
My six-shooter? Often enough.
Tell me, have you actually shot
a fellow human being with it?
You gotta be shitting me.
Out here everyone shoots someone.
It's like the law of the jungle.
Wild animals killing wild animals.
You know? There ain't no other way.
If I'm not being too bold...
Just, how many have you killed?
- 19.
- Oh God, 19?
One thing I could teach you, teach,
the faster gun lives another day.
- Fascinating.
- But I never killed no woman
or no young'un, you know?
And I never shot no man
in the back.
- Well, bravo to that.
- Here. Wanna try it?
- Shooting a pistol?
- Yeah.
No. I, I don't think so.
Man. You went ass over elbows,
got some kick, don't it?
See nothing to it.
Come on you big sissy. Try again.
No, no, no. No more. No more. No.
I know what I can't do anymore.
Oh, come on. You know what you are?
An old fart.
- I beg your pardon?
- That's right. A dusty old fart.
Comparing me to a foul wind
from the bowels. What?
Because I refuse to partake in your
silly little shooting customs.
Well, it's outrageous, sir.
Outrageous.
Listen, teach. This is the wild west.
You gotta know how to shoot
to survive.
I mean, you're, you're the one
who taught me about Darwin
and all his survival
of the fittest hoo-ha.
Well, whoever shoots best
is the fittest in these parts.
Darwin... look, it's cowardly.
- Are you calling me a coward?
- If it howls like a wolf...
A wolf? What in the hell God damn
wolf have to do with anything?
- What, what are you talking about?
- It's a metaphor.
Well, you wouldn't be calling me
no coward.
If you'd have seen
how I had to use this gun
to get myself out of a jam after jam.
I mean, you, you wouldn't believe
half the shit I've seen.
Hell, they should be writing books
about me for what I've been through.
And in fact, I bet if you were
reading about my adventures
in some damn book, you'd be singing
a whole different tune
about who's a coward or not.
You'd be, you'd be saying
the character of Dooley
is a romantical hero
of the American West.
Look, I was merely stating
that there are more civilized ways
to settle disputes
than to hide behind guns.
Says the man who ain't
never steered down the barrel of one.
Correction, I've stared down
the barrel of yours
and did having my own gun
save me from you?
No. No, no. All I had were my words.
Please. You was never
in any real danger.
I'd have never shot an unarmed man.
Even one as annoying as you.
Although now I'm starting
to question that philosophy.
Mr. Dooley. All I'm saying is
that guns are not the answer...
Wrong! No, guns are the only answer.
There ain't no other way.
Have you ever heard of the expression
"the pen is mightier than the sword"?
No, I ain't!
Well, It's mightier than the gun
as well.
And I hope you absorbed
that lesson before it's too late.
I really do. And it's:
"No, I haven't" by the way.
I done told you
never to correct me again!
And you done lost out on your
blanket privileges. My blanket.
Good night then.
Beautiful stars.
- Don't move.
- Snake. What a nice surprise.
Cut this shit.
Well, what's happening? Whoa.
What the devil, what's going on?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Down, boy.
- What's the meaning of this?
- Teach for once in your life, shut up.
Well, Dooley,
it looks like we meet again.
- You know these men, Mr. Dooley?
- Mr. Dooley. Ain't we sophisticated?
- Can I drop him now, Snake?
- In a minute.
Snake. Oh, well what a colorful,
albeit somewhat cliched nickname.
No, I mean, assuming that Snake
is not your Christian name, of course.
God, here we go again.
- Christian, you are a preacher man?
- No, I'm actually a teacher.
It's merely a term.
You know, one's Christian name
is their given forename.
- My family name is Peachtree...
- Stop!
...but my Christian name
is Cecil Peachtree.
- Mr. Dooley's is Jedidiah. You see?
- So his Christian name be Charlie.
Oh, Charlie. Uh, precisely.
Yeah. Gotcha. Hey Charlie. Huh?
Kick this piece of shit over here to me.
- With pleasure.
- No, no, no. Charlie. Hey.
- Ah. Oh no. Hey.
- Snake, Snake. Come on Snake.
- No need to do that, Charlie.
- Empty your pockets right now!
Okay. Empty your pockets.
Do what he says.
Sorry. I only got a hanky.
What's an old fart like you
doing riding with scum like him?
What is this country's
fascination with farts?
Speak up.
Oh, well, you see, um, I was
on my way to the town of Fortune.
Oh, please sir. Don't toy with Gulliver,
please. No.
Anyway, quite by accident,
I missed the last train
and that's when kind Mr. Dooley
agreed to escort me to the town
of Fortune.
At least don't, don't mess with Gulliver.
No! Oh, no. Gulliver! No, please!
So he's kind Mr. Dooley is he?
Travel on, sweet Gulliver.
So, did kind Mr. Dooley agree
to escort you to Fortune
before or after he robbed you?
Well, that's neither here nor there.
But sir, I simply must protest.
Burning books is a sin.
So is stealing. It looks like
you and us got something in common.
We all been swindled
by kind Mr. Dooley here.
Looks like he stole all your money
and your belongings
- just like he stole our horse.
- Your horse? Mr. Dooley!
I trusted you.
I take you in.
You didn't have nothing.
You eat my food, drank my whiskey.
I took you under my wing
and trained you.
I treated you like the son I never had.
What do I get in return?
What's my thanks? A stab in the back.
Look at me, coward!
"Et tu Brute".
What?
"Et tu Brute", it's a Latin
phrase made infamous...
when Julius Caesar recognized
his trusted friend Brutus
as one of his assassins.
It's the most legendary betrayal.
You may recognize the phrase
from the Shakespeare play.
You know, uh, Julius Caesar,
I was reminded of it when you said that.
- Shut...
- Shut up!
Alright, shutting up.
But just one thing, if I may,
just one more thing.
You see, I've gotten
to know Mr. Dooley fairly well
over our time together.
And I find him to be a man
of absolute integrity.
So I'm certain if he stole
your horse,
he had a very good reason
in doing so.
And, and you all know
what Hippocrates said.
He don't know now.
Now, will you shut?!
Of course I do. What do I look
like an idiot?
"Desperate times calls
for desperate shit".
Wow. Wow. Oh yes, Mr. Snake.
Excellent. Very good. Almost.
And I'm sure Mr. Dooley was
in very desperate straits indeed.
When he made the ill conceived
decision to abscond with your horse.
Now as one learned man to another.
I've got the perfect solution
to our little dilemma.
Why don't you just take your
beautiful horse back
and all the cash for your troubles
and go on your merry way.
- No harm, no foul.
- Just like that?
Just like that.
Well, it sounds kind of nice
and civilized.
You see, Mr. Dooley,
when cool heads prevail...
There's one problem.
If we do it like you say,
I won't get the satisfaction
of seeing kind Mr. Dooley's brain
splattered against that rock
right there.
Now watch and learn teacher,
'cause you're next.
- I'll see you soon, mama.
- No. Oh, no. No. Oh, no!
- Leave his books alone.
- Oh, no, no!!
Dooley, behind you!
Mr. Dooley... Mr. Dooley.
Oh, no. Mr. Do.. Mr. Dooley,
Mr. Dooley.
Oh my God! Mr. Dooley!
No, oh Lord, oh no, forgive me. It was all
my fault. Oh God, I do apologize.
Oh Lord, forgive me!
Out, out, brief candle.
Life's but a walking shadow,
a poor player.
That struts and frets
his hour upon the stage,
and then is heard no more...
It is a tale told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury.
Signifying nothing.
Mr. Dooley. Praise the Lord.
You are alive. Thank goodness!
- Are you alright?
- Yeah. Yeah. Get off of me.
Alright.
- Oh, God, oh!
- Be careful...
Don't put any weight on it.
Mr. Dooley, sir.
Is he is... is he, he dead?
- Yeah. It would appear so.
- Check, Make sure.
Mr. Dooley, I suppose
his companion Charlie is run off.
He's got a hole in his forehead,
the size of a gold sovereign.
Oh, no, no.
Well, I guess this makes
number 20 for you.
Now look, we must regain our focus.
I really must attend
to your wounds, sir.
Oh my God!
It's gone right through. Oh, no help!
Who the hell are you yelling for?
We must get you to a physician,
Mr. Dooley.
You just need to heat up a blade,
and singe the holes
and wrap it up real tight.
I can't believe
he's really, he's...
he's really dead?
You, you... you crazy old fool.
This is all your fault.
You couldn't keep quiet, could you?
I could handle this situation
like I always done...
... but no, you and your damn
talking, and your damn books.
I shoulda let those books burn.
But no, you had me all convinced
it was so important...
He'd still be alive right now
if it wasn't for you.
All they wanted was their
damn horse back.
Begging the gentleman's pardon.
But it would appear
that they wanted a little more
than just their horse back.
I mean, Mr. Snake,
he didn't seem to be satisfied
with anything
other than our brains splattered
all over this rock.
Bullshit. You don't know nothing
old man.
I've been in a million jams
like this before.
A million times when it seemed
like it was curtains.
And I got out of it every time
without never having to kill nobody.
Oh, my... Mr. Dooley. You've never killed
anyone before. Have you?
Shut up.
Certainly nothing
to be ashamed of, sir.
Whatever you are feeling
is entirely normal.
I mean, taking a human life
is very profound.
And I'm so sorry that my singular
preoccupation over my books
created this chain reaction
that led to a man to lose his life.
And for this, I'm truly repentant.
But you were right, you know?
Circumstances as they presented
themselves required decisive action.
I mean, never in a million years
would've I expected myself
to shoot at another human being.
I mean, and yet here we are.
I could have talked our way
out of here.
Impossible. No, you did the only thing,
that could been done
to save our lives.
And you fought valiantly, sir.
You, you risked your life
and saved our very souls.
Don't feel nothing
like I thought it would...
killing a man.
Even though, even though he lived
the life of a villain,
and even though he definitely
had it coming.
Somehow... being the one
who done did him in...
it just, just feels wrong.
It's all right. It's because
you are a compassionate man.
So a man of introspection,
that's an admirable trait.
But please remember
it was self-defense.
- I mean, you said so.
- I said a lot of things.
I guess you were right, teach...
- Killing is for cowards.
- No, not at all. Mr. Dooley.
It was very brave what you did.
You saved us all.
And these voices and these books
will now be heard.
They'll be allowed to inspire
new generations.
No telling the benefits of this
new land will get from that.
And that's because of you. And I
speak on behalf of everyone here:
Mr. Shakespeare, Mr. Keats,
Mr. Melville, the Brontes.
I speak for them all.
And I say a heartfelt thank you!
Lord is my shepherd.
I shall not want.
He leadeth me beside still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil:
for thou art with me;
and I shall dwell in the house
of the lord forever. Amen.
Amen.
Wait, where do you think
you're going?
- The Fortune. Where the hell else?
- In your condition?
No, no, no. That's impossible.
You must rest here.
I'll go and summon help
from somewhere.
Bullshit. I promised I'd get
you to Fortune
in time for tomorrow morning's bell.
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
You don't think after all this I'd let
you off from agreement? Do ya?
- Well...
- Without my money?
Yes, of course.
Listen, if we're gonna make it there
in time without having a horse,
we're gonna have to walk all damn day
and straight through the night.
You think you can handle
that old man?
- I believe I can.
- Good.
Well, let's get one thing straight
from here on out,
it'll be no more talking. Okay?
Understand?
Now that I killed one man,
making it two, don't make
no difference.
Understood. But at least
let me carry the books.
You'll slow us down.
You are the one who's been shot
in the leg.
Mr. Dooley...
Right on time, Mr. Dooley.
You are indeed a man of your word.
I can't thank you enough. And now,
uh, about our business arrangements.
I'm certain that by this evening,
all pertinent paperwork
will be signed
and I'll be able to settle
my debt with you.
And I ain't staying around till
this evening.
You didn't think I'd be hanging
around this shithole
any longer than I needed to?
Did you?
No. I suppose not.
No. But the money, sir.
It surely it won't
be released until...
- Ah, keep your damn money.
- What? Mr. Dooley?
That's, that's very generous of you.
But unthinkable.
- No, a bargain is a bargain.
- It is your money for your new job.
- I'll be fine without it.
- But what are you going to do now?
Don't matter.
Well, I'm sorry,
but it matters to me.
Teach, the quicker you just forget
about me, the better. All right?
I mean, ain't you figured it out yet?
I'm bad news.
Some folks is... It's just this,
it's just, just born this way.
- Mr. Dooley, you have a heart of gold.
- Don't start using them twisty words
to try and convince me
that it ain't true.
I know what I am, but don't worry
about me. I'll be fine.
I always am.
At least take this...
for your journey. Please.
Teach...
I can't read.
I know that.
But this is for when you can.
Well...
Thanks.
Now go teach them kids.
Give 'em a future and all that.
Thank you... Mr. Dooley.
So last week we covered
the Louisiana purchase,
which was when the territory
of Louisiana
was purchased by the United States
from the French.
And that was when?
Anybody.
Anybody?
1803. Okay.
But today we're gonna talk
about when two very special gentlemen
were hired to explore
that new territory.
Their names were Meriwether Lewis
and William Clark.
And their mission was called
"The Corps of Discovery Expedition".
Greetings, Madam!
Out! Go away!
There's no panhandling in here.
Quick children hide under your desk.
I beg your pardon, Ma'am.
But you see, I'm...
A bum and a drunk
and I will not have you corrupt
his sacred house of learning.
Ethan, please jump out that window
and run and fetch the Sheriff. Hurry!
- Yes, Ma'am.
- No, No, no.
That won't be necessary.
You see Madam...
- I'm the new school master.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- The new school master is Mr. Cecil...
- Peachtree.
Cecil Peachtree, London, England,
at your service Madam.
Oh yes. I know.
I must look quite a fright,
but it's been the most exhausting
and unusual journey
to get here in time
for this morning's bell.
But me and the other ladies from
the cultural community center,
we were to pick up Mr. Peachtree
on Friday,
and we waited for him
on the train platform.
Yes. well, about that. You see,
I unfortunately missed the last train,
and I ended up taking
the more scenic route.
But listen, I did bring
some of my wares with me.
Well, they're a little singed
around the edges. Ah, oh good.
But I think yes,
they're not too worse for wear.
It's you, it's really you.
Mr. Peachtree,
I am Miss Eloise Maybel.
And on behalf
of the Ladies School Committee...
I want to welcome you
to the City of Fortune.
Children, Children, let's give
Mr. Peachtree a warm welcome.
- Hello Mr. Peachtree.
- Oh, hello everyone. Good morning.
I can't tell you how happy I am
to have finally arrived, in one piece.
Oh, you must be positively dog tired.
Shall we get you situated and you can
begin your lessons tomorrow?
Oh, heavens no.
No. I could be situated any time.
But with your permission,
I think I would just like to dive in.
- Oh, yes. Okay.
- Thank you.
I'll just run over to,
Ms. Annie's boarding house
and I'll get your room freshened up
and ready for when you're done
for the day.
- Splendid. Thank you, Miss Mabel.
- Thank you, Mr. Peachtree.
Well, let's start again, shall we?
Now I'd like to start off by telling you
about my greatest passion,
it's reading.
You know, books,
books can take us anywhere,
on any adventure
in any era... be it the past,
the present, or far, far...
Jedidiah Dooley... Here!
left here at 12:05.
No, you didn't get here till 12:15.
I know that, 'cause that's when
I start closing up around here.
The next train to Fortune
doesn't come here for another week.
Now, how you spend that time
is your own business.
All I'm saying is that
the gentleman that was kind enough
to transport me to this rail
station outpost,
he assured me that the train to Fortune
leaves at 1:05 PM.
- And he told you wrong.
- What am I ever to do?
I simply must be in Fortune by
Monday morning at the very latest.
Preston City is only about
a mile back that way.
There's a livery there,
and you can get a horse.
It's a two-day ride from Preston
to Fortune.
You play your cards right,
you can be trotting in there
about this time Sunday.
But I wouldn't let any grass grow
under you. I'd get a move on.
The Wild West.
Well, gentlemen, ladies,
we'd better rest for a few moments.
We have a long hot walk ahead of us.
Perhaps a few pages of Homer
will reinvigorate and inspire us
for our own arduous odyssey ahead.
What the devil?
Oh, if I didn't know any better,
I'd swear that was a bullet hole.
- Don't turn around.
- It is a bullet hole!
- Good God. I'm being burgled.
- I said don't turn around!
Just a mere reflex, sir.
No, ill intent meant.
- Empty your pockets.
- Oh, well, I don't have anything.
So yeah, please, sir.
I am very ticklish.
Oh, no sir please, it's all the money
I have. It's everything, God!
- Give me your valuables.
- I only have my school ring here, here.
And the watch.
You don't want this old watch,
surely sir,
it's worthless and the clasp is broken.
I only keep it for sentimental reasons.
Belonged to my father.
It was passed down
through the generations.
My dear departed father,
he was the most important person
in the world to me
- and gentle and learned...
- Shut up!
My father had that watch
engraved for me
with his favorite inspirational quote.
What's in the bags?
Oh that, sir, I beg you, sir.
You don't want what's in that bag.
It is, it's worthless.
It's just, oh, no...
- Oh. Books?!
- Yeah.
There ain't nothing in here
but stupid books.
Yes. They're just stupid books.
You're absolutely right.
- You a salesman?
- No, sir. I'm a pedagogue.
A peda... what?
- An educator.
- Huh?
- Sir? I'm a school master.
- School. Screw school. Now. Move.
- Please, sir, you've got the watch...
- I said shut up.
Oh, boots. No Levis.
Just a bunch of pansy shit. Typical.
Yes. It's just my underwear, sir.
You surely...
Now, if you know what's good for you,
you'll just keep sitting there
till I'm clean out of here.
You understand old man?
I'll remain ever so still,
you have my word.
I beg your pardon, sir. Sir, Sir!
If I may borrow just one more moment
of your time.
Whoa!
- Great Scott, impressive aim, sir!
- Don't try to butter me up.
Now you either ain't right in the head
or you got a death wish.
Oh, well, believe me,
under ordinary circumstances
I would never disobey such a decisive
command. But alas I'm desperate.
And we all know
what a Hippocrates said.
- Who?
- You know Hyp... Anyway...
He said desperate times call
for desperate measures.
No? Oh, well. No matter.
I'm merely stating that I would never
be so brazen as tempt fate like this
if I wasn't such a desperate man.
You're about to be a dead man.
I should specify.
I thought I was going to Fortune
and I unfortunately
missed the last train.
And I must be in Fortune by Monday.
Hence, a teacher can't be late
for the first day of school.
How about I offer you
a business proposition?
- A what?
- I mean, please forgive my presumption,
but it seems blatantly obvious
that you are a man in need of funds.
I mean, you've already taken all
I had on my person,
but I can offer you further compensation
when we get to Fortune.
- When we get to Fortune?
- Exactly. Yes.
You see, I'm the New School Master
of Fortune.
I have a stipend waiting for me
upon my arrival.
My first month's salary in full.
If you would escort me to Fortune
in time for Monday morning's bell.
I will be ever so happy to pass it
over to you.
- How much?
- A month's pay.
For a mere two day trip to Fortune.
Do we have an agreement, sir?
Oh, Jesus. I'll be right there, sir.
Hello? Hello, sir.
Hey, you have an agreement.
I won't be one snippet of trouble.
I make a superb traveling companion.
I have some wonderful books
for the journey.
- I ain't got no interest in reading.
- What?
Well, perhaps you're just
not reading the right books.
I mean, you know, reading it's a gift.
Challenges the imagination
and enables one to experience many
lives and countless adventures.
I live out real adventures.
I don't need to read about nobody else's.
You got a horse?
Well, well, um, that is part
of the problem. You see?
Uh, I was going to take the train.
But I'd be very happy
just to walk alongside yours.
You're in luck.
So I just happen to be passing
right through Fortune.
Yes.
And if, and you want to walk
all that way next to my horse,
I guess that's your business.
But if you breathe one word
about me holding you up,
I'll blow your head off
from them spindly shoulders.
Fear not. My lips are sealed.
I'm forever in your debt.
Thank you so much.
I'm coming right behind you.
Oh, look, Hang on, sir. God.
Hang on!
Let's go.
That is certainly some steed, sir.
It's all right.
I've got this. I'm keeping up.
Look not to question
your navigational prowess,
but wouldn't be a lot easier just
to follow the railway lines.
We're taking a shortcut.
Leave them behind.
- What do you mean leave them behind?
- I said leave them.
- They're slowing us down.
- Alright.
I can acquire new undergarments
in Fortune,
yes, but my books, no, my books
are irreplaceable, Sir.
I will never leave these books.
I mean, what is a teacher
without books?
Well, you're going, no one's gonna
give one dime about damn books.
I respectfully must agree
to disagree.
My sole purpose of traveling
from England to the New World
...was to teach
the wide-eyed waifs of Fortune.
Hey, what are you doing now?
I cannot allow you to take my books.
You, you can't do that, sir.
You, you mustn't do that.
Please! I mean, everything that I'm
is in these books, sir!
I must have them to teach.
Please.
Oh, oh, wonderful idea.
Oh, thank you. Oh, yes, saddlebacks.
I wonder what they were for.
Wonderful!
You are a very reasonable man, Mr...
I don't think I quite caught your name,
mister...
Alright, I'll go first.
My name is Cecil Caldecott
Peach Tree III from London, England.
- At your service, sir. And you are...
- Dooley, Jedidiah Dooley.
But don't you never tell no one
my name.
Yes. Mum's the word though.
Mum's the word.
Mr. Dooley, clearly we English
have been harboring a false impression
of your Americans.
I mean, the stories we hear
about Lawless American West,
I mean clearly nonsense, erroneous.
In actuality you are a friendly
and obliging lot.
Oh, we ain't all so friendly.
Better mount up fast.
- I beg your pardon?
- Get in the saddle quick.
- Do you know those two gentlemen?
- Gentlemen they ain't.
Now move your ass. Hurry up, old man.
- Right, right, right.
- Come on!
- Get your foot in the saddle.
- I've never mounted a stallion before.
- Gimme a minute.
- We ain't got a minute. Up!
- Wait a minute. This can't be right.
- Come on!
Ouch! You're whipping me?
Mr. Dooley. They catching up.
- Now they shooting at us.
- Well, then duck, God damn it!
- Come on, lean to your left.
- I feel sick.
Your other left.
Come on!
- I mean, we lost them.
- There we go. Bully! Jesus!
Watch where you're shooting
that thing, idiot!
- You okay?
- Oh, well, that was exciting.
Ah, yeah. They were. Yes.
What the hell are you doing facing
that way for, turn your ass around.
- God dammit.
- Whoa!
I've got cramp.
Cramp. There you go.
Come on. Get your ass back up on here.
Do it the right way this time.
Who, pray tell, were those hooligans?
What could they possibly have wanted?
I mean, it seems to me
that they might have found
a more civilized method
of handling the situation.
I mean, perhaps if we'd had
a courteous conversation with them,
maybe they'd listen to reasons.
You're a teacher?
Got a lot to learn, old man.
Well, this is certainly
more than we'd bargained for.
We've already been abandoned
on the rail depot,
held under gunpoint
and chased and shot at by bandits.
Oh, if only father could see us now.
I dare say it gives one
a certain feeling of exhilaration.
We, who's we?
Oh, why William Shakespeare,
Alfred Lord Tennyson,
Charles Dickens, Henry David Thoreau,
Jane Austen.
- Who?
- The authors of my books.
They're like family to me. I mean,
surely you've heard of some of them.
Nope. I ain't never heard of none
of those names.
Oh, heavens. Triple negative.
I think what you meant to say is,
I haven't ever heard
of any of those names.
Hey, if, and you want this trip
to go nice and smooth,
like never ever tell me
what I mean again. Got it?!
Yes. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, of course.
Force of professional habit.
I mean, I'll try.
Yeah, I'll try my best.
- Try real hard, Huh?
- Sorry, sorry.
Of course.
You know, being an only child,
I didn't have the companionship
of a sibling.
So I sought my refuge in books.
The characters were so vivid to me.
I mean, I'm not suggesting
that I was a lonely child.
Quite the contrary.
My mother was a social butterfly.
The most wonderful dinners
that she gave.
I met the most extraordinary people
from all strata of society.
I remember wonderful dinner party
she gave
and invited a very famous conductor,
actually for dinner.
He passed wind. And we were giggling.
We had to leave the room.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- What?
Keep quiet.
Stand up real slow, like...
- Whatever for?
- Get up.
No sudden movements. Okay?
Don't wanna spook the man.
Howdy!
Dear Lord! He's approaching us.
Just keep smiling at him.
Let me do the talking.
Oh yeah. Wool tweed from London.
Nice wool.
Don't make a move.
- Okay. Stay still.
- Good heavens. What does he want?
He'll let us know. Then he'll leave.
Hopefully.
Oh, it's my books.
He cannot have my books.
I wouldn't tell it him that.
Books you like, nice. Take your pick.
Oh, don't encourage him, Mr. Dooley.
- Keep your trap shut.
- But he can't have them. I forbid it!
Don't listen to him, Chief.
You take whatever you want.
Fine.
If you must have a book,
I suggest this one.
It's a seminal work.
What?
You can still read it, you just read
around the hole.
No.
This you will like.
Walden, Henry David Thoreau.
Yes, it's about a naturalist
similar to yourself.
Now the book is a reflection
of simple living in natural surroundings.
Perheps...
He can't understand you.
Thoreau?
I've read it.
You see Mr. Dooley reading unites
cultures of around...
No, please.
You want my Dickens?
You got it, chief.
All yours, buddy.
I'm afraid you won't like that one.
It's far too dense.
Oh, it has too many characters.
Very hard to understand.
No. Oh, for me?
- Take it.
- Chief, please.
What is this?
That's too sour for my palate.
Well, I'll have you note
that gentleman just walked off
with the selected works of Dickens.
And for what?
A small sack of sour berries.
Well, that's hardly a worthwhile
exchange, in my opinion.
I'm totally grief stricken.
Oh, you're breaking my heart.
Now move.
- This part reminds me of Whales.
- The big fish?
No, the country of Whales.
You know, though, we mourn the loss
of our beloved Charles Dickens,
at least we have William Shakespeare
to enliven our spirits.
There's a certain civility one feels
when traveling with The Old Bard.
- Wouldn't you agree?
- Huh?
Would you care to read it?
I mean, it's quite delicious.
The only delicious thing I want right
now is some fricassee rabbit.
Let's see if we can't kill one
before it gets too dark.
What? What do you mean kill?
You mean dead?
You know my housekeeper,
Mrs. Wilberforce, oh God.
She prepared all my meals.
Oh, she was a saint.
Especially for a man not blessed
with the wife of his own.
- He's a fat one.
- Oh Lord, he's so cute.
Look, I'd be content with the chief's
berries. You know, sours, they are.
- Watch out!
- Jesus, look what you did!
- Oh, the poor little thing.
- Get your ass back to the campsite.
Let me handle this without you
breathing all down my damn neck.
Don't you have beans?
I mean, old cowboys have beans.
- What?
- Skin it!
What? I, I will do no such thing!
Well, maybe in merry old England,
you eat rabbit different.
But out here, we skin 'em and cut out
the guts before we cook 'em.
- I'm gonna get some firewood.
- Honestly, Mr. Dooley,
I think I'd be far superior
at gathering firewood
than at skinning prey.
Would it at all be possible
to trade off?
I did the killing.
Now you do the skinning.
God, oh dear.
My deepest apologies
for the indignities
that you are about to suffer.
Finger licking good.
The larks on the wing,
the snails on the thorn,
God is in heaven.
- All's right with the world.
- Quit that Bible reading.
If I wanna hear God talk,
I go to church.
I can't imagine you wanting
to go to church all that often.
Shows what you know.
My mama God rest her soul,
she used to drag me to church
every Sunday
to beat the good Lord
into her hell spawn.
Yeah, I hated it.
But looking back now,
it's about the only good memories
I got with her before she got sick.
I suppose you are right, though.
I ain't been to church
in a coon's age,
but that don't mean I ain't right
with God.
Me and him, we, we got an understanding.
He gets me.
I'm sure he does.
And by the way, for your information,
this is not the Bible.
This is Robert Browning.
Not to be too presumptuous, but, um,
I gather your education was limited.
The only learning one needs to know
out here is how to shoot straight
and how to count your money.
You see, that's where I beg to differ.
Mr. Dooley.
Practical knowledge of one's trade
is of course certainly important.
But a broader education is the tool
that breaks down all barriers.
Speaking of education,
I've been wondering.
How come an educated fellow like you
is going to Fortune?
I mean, it's just a spit buck
in the middle of nowhere.
Well, sir, if truth be known.
I was dismissed from my last post
for a gruesome display
toward my superior.
- Wait, you was fired from teaching?
- Regrettably and shamefully. Yes.
- What'd you do? Gruesome librarian?
- I struck the headmaster.
You, you thumped the boss?
I mean, it feels, if it wasn't me at all,
but some pagan,
some loathsome creature
who overtook my senses.
- But alas, it was me.
- So, what did you wallop the old geezer.
Well, I had a very bright pupil,
And he was reading an essay
he'd written on the possibility
that we humans have descended
from tiny microscopic organisms
- inspired by Darwin. You know.
- Wait, who?
A rather iconoclastic biologist.
Nonetheless, he said,
Darwin points out rather aptly
that perhaps man evolved
from tiny one celled organisms
to his present state.
Well, much to our surprise,
the headmaster was listening at the door.
And before we even had a chance
to debate the topic,
he just burst into the room
and screamed,
"How dare you blaspheme
under this roof, you heathen?
God is the only creator of man."
And then he took the stick
and started to beating poor Barnabas.
That's when the beast rose
from within me.
I snatched the rod from him
in a fit of uncontrollable rage
I struck the poor man across
the head.
And I said to him,
in a trembling tone,
"Sir, don't you ever strike
one of my students ever again."
Holy shit! Good on you, boy.
Um, it was a momentary victory,
I'm afraid.
After I was dismissed, I couldn't get
a post anywhere in England.
So I decided that it was time
to move to the New World.
But alas, my tarnished reputation
had already preceded me
at all the finer American academies.
And it turns out
I was unhireable here too.
It was then that I saw an advert
in the Boston Gazette.
"The town of Fortune is looking
for a teacher". So I wrote.
And they responded
with a letter of acceptance.
End of one chapter,
the beginning of another.
Why don't you just give up teaching
and find another job?
Give up teaching? Never.
You see, Mr. Dooley, all I ever
wanted to do was to teach.
Where I serve and to whom I now know
is in the hands of a higher power.
Because teaching, I mean,
it's not just a job, it's my calling.
And fate has now led me
to answer that calling
in the tiny frontier town of Fortune.
You see the purpose of teaching,
it isn't just to force students
to memorize facts and dates.
It's to inspire them.
To unlock that little door
hidden deep within us all,
that gives us permission to dream...
dream of a better life ourselves.
And a better future for all.
I think back
on all those wonderful teachers
who had such an impact on my life.
I'm forever grateful to them.
I so wish I'd said something to them
because now I know just how much
that would've meant for them.
The greatest reward
that a teacher can receive
is the knowledge that he's made
a difference,
even if it's just one child's life.
Goodnight. Sweet Prince.
Get up princess. Time to ride.
There's a little coffee left.
Oh, well thank you.
Don't gimme that look.
I only gave you that blanket
'cause your teeth were chattering
so loud
it sounded like you was rattling coins
in a tin cup.
How else was I supposed
to gimme sleep?
Well, thank you just the same.
- Do you happen to have any tea?
- Don't like it. Good! More for me.
Okay. Whoa. Oh, ah.
Now get your ass moving.
We got a lot of ground to cover today.
Do you have a shovel?
My goodness. You got us to Fortune
a whole day early.
You're amazing. Mr. Dooley. Amazing!
Oh no. This ain't Fortune.
Fortune don't look this good, this Lobo.
Now get off.
- I beg your pardon?
- We ain't riding into town piggyback.
Oh, you get off right here.
- Hey, where will I find you?
- Miss Lily's saloon.
And what about my books? Hey!
Jolly nice day for a walk!
I don't know what so jolly nice about it.
What? Hello!
Hey there, lads. Your rock hit me
on the back of head.
- It was an accident.
- Yes.
I surmised as much as a result it is
incumbent on you to apologize to me.
- There's a what on me.
- What?
Oh, uh, it, it's incumbent upon you.
Meaning it, it's a necessary duty
for you to apologize.
- Come on, let's get outta here.
- Oh, whoa. Wait, wait a minute.
Hold on there a moment.
Do lads go to school?
Nope. Not no more.
What? You relinquished
your studies at your ages?
Our teacher is dead.
Mr. Banks shot him,
for calling his son in an idiot.
Hey.
That's a note.
Don't call anyone's child an idiot.
Aces full of kings, Chip.
Four of a kind, twos.
God damn it! Desert Canery.
What's the rush, kid?
Should try your luck at another hand.
Damn dammit, Cecil.
Who creep up on a man like that.
You could get shot.
You just lost my father's beautiful
watch in a card game.
No, my watch, Old man, mine.
And by the way, it's Cecil.
We should be leaving now.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
We should be...
Look what you did to my shirt.
You're supposed to say, excuse me.
- I believe I did. Good, sir.
- Yeah, I heard him say it.
Now let him go before I put a hole
in that shirt next.
You know what I say when a young
snot nose punk is tryin' to threaten me?
Huh?
Hurley, kindly escort this gentleman
from the premises!
Now what can I get you two?
Well, look at what the jackals
dragged in.
- How you doing Dooley?
- Never better Lil.
- How about some whiskey?
- Amanda! Lover Boy is here.
And what's your pleasure,
sweet stuff?
No, nothing for me.
Thank you, ma'am.
Dooley!
It's been such a long time
this time.
I thought you was never coming back.
I'm sorry about that baby.
I've been working. I'm back now.
Oh, who is this sweet old thing?
Your grandpa?
- Him? No, he ain't my grandpa.
- Your friend?
And he definitely ain't my friend.
Actually, we are traveling companions.
Traveling companions.
He's kind of cute. Ain't he, Lil?
Uh, yeah, he sure is.
Just look at them baby blues.
Madam, charmed and enchantment.
We finally got a gentleman
in this dump.
Dooley, where a low life desperado
like you
for find a silver fox like him?
Permit me to introduce myself.
Cecil Caldecott Peachtree the third
at your service, Ma'am.
Damn mouthful. Don't you think?
"A name pronounced is the recognition
of the individual to whom it belongs.
He who can pronounce my name alright,
he can call me,
and is entitled to my love and service."
Henry David Thoreau.
Cecil here's a bookworm. Come on.
Cic, loosen up for once. Lil,
whiskey for the book, man. I'm buying.
Mr. Dooley,
I never partake in spirits,
I save for the occasional rum punch
at Christmas soires.
Wait, Mr. Dooley.
I didn't see our steed outside
when I came into the saloon.
- I mean, it wasn't stolen, I hope?
- Our steed... Ain't he something?
My books are there. It's just I can't
abide having them out of my sight.
- We simply must be going.
- Relax.
Our steed is at the livery
having shoe change.
You entrusted my beloved
traveling companions,
my rare editions
to a common frontier blacksmith.
Well, what's your hurry?
Why don't you stay a while and
have a little drink with me?
Private like...
Thank you, Ma'am, so much,
but I'm most uneasy when my books
are out of my sight.
I told you he's crazy.
Well, I got a book upstairs
if that's what turns you on, darling.
It's called the Cam-ma-sut-ra.
You ever hear of it?
Kammasutreay?
Oh the Kamasutra, hey...
Oh, well I can safely say that is one
book that I have never read.
- No, I just look at the pictures.
- It has pictures?
I can't open these buttons here.
The spittoon is for spitting in,
not for pissing. You, filthy animal!
Take it outside.
- Damn it, Lil.
- Next time I'll stab it to the wall.
You and the goddamn wall, God.
I'm sorry, darling.
Now what were we saying?
Oh, yes, I was gonna buy you a drink.
Fine, but that instead of a libation,
you wouldn't happen to have
a cup of tea.
No, not with the tea again.
Come here. Come here.
Listen to me. Drink a whiskey.
I've never drunk whiskey. I mean,
not straight whiskey in my whole life.
That it's high time. You dig?
Now, if you wanna see Fortune,
drink it. Buck up!
Oh, well, when in Rome...
Chi-chin.
You don't sip it like
a prissy little old lady at a doily party.
You down it like a man. Watch.
Barkeep, I'll have another!
Hey, listen.
I'll be back in a jiff,
don't afraid about that damn books.
We'll get 'em.
Where you...
- Here you go.
- For me?
I do say the taste
rather grows on one, doesn't it?
Oh yeah. I would say.
- Hello!
- Ain't that a sexy number?
It's from France. It took six months
to get here. You like it?
Like it? I love it.
I'm so glad you're staying this time,
Dooley. You know what I wish?
I wish I could go to France
someday and see Paris.
I just know I'd love it so.
Well, your wish is my command.
My baby wants to go to Paris.
My baby gets to go to Paris.
Yeah. Right.
Wait, are you being serious?
- Serious as typhoid fever, baby.
- Dooley, Dooley.
That would be the most wonderful thing
anybody has ever...
Wait a minute. How can you afford
to go to Paris?
You can barely afford a can of beans.
Oh, you just leave that to me.
I got some big ideas I'm working on.
Here I got you something to prove
my intentions.
Close your eyes
and put out your hands.
Okay, okay.
And open them.
What do you think?
Oh my God, Dooley. It is beautiful!
That one had a more full bodied
flavour.
Do I detect, uh, hibiscus?
It's all coming from the same bottle,
sweetheart.
Are you, uh, are you feeling okay?
Maybe you had enough.
You look like you might need
to lie down.
Ruckus juice.
Doesn't anyone say please
in this prepubescent country?
Well I know you.
It's the philistine
who stole my father's watch.
What the hell are you babbling about,
old-timer? And who is Phyllis?
I'm ordering you now, sir,
to hand it over post haste.
Is this what
you're talking about here?
This was yours?
Pretty ain't it?
I've grown attached to this.
What if I don't give it back to you?
What are you gonna do about it?
Careful now.
Okay.
Dooley, Dooley get downstairs.
Your little friend's in a heap
of trouble, hurry.
Oh shit. What the hell is it now?
- I'm sorry baby.
- It's okay. Oh, Shit.
Dooley, hurry.
What the hell it's the matter with you?
Can't you see he's delicate.
Son of a bitch!
You humored me earlier,
but now you've done agitated my mood.
It makes you feel good
to beat an old man?
Mr. Dooley. Let me just cover
this gentleman's cleaning bill.
- Violence is never the answer.
- Your old friend may be right.
He may be right, folks,
let's let bygones be bygones.
That's one way to get
your winnings back.
Sometimes, teach, violence is
the only answer. Did you see all that?
I certainly did.
Howdy sheriff?
Buy you a drink?
Get up, Dooley. You got company.
You can only stay a minute.
You sure know how to get a guy
in a mess of trouble, old man.
Oh, listen, I've got the most
terrible migraine.
And by the way, if my memory serves,
it was you who insisted
that I ingest that foul toxin.
Well, how was I supposed to know
you had a gag button
like a rigged penny slot machine.
Another colorful idiom.
- What'd you call me?
- The word is idiom,
a figurative, non-literal phrase.
Mr. Dooley, with your permission,
I intend to remove my property
from your saddlebags
and find an alternative escort
to Fortune.
Thank you for getting me this far.
Wait, wait. You can't trust no one
from here to take you to Fortune.
This patch of dirt is all thieves
and outlaws.
If I could just get out here,
we could be on our way.
- Bust me out.
- Good heavens! Absolutely not.
Do you want the sheriff to hear?
Now listen. You can do this.
Never. I'm a principle man.
Well, what about that kid
you were telling me about?
From, from one of them books.
What was his name again?
Oliver Twixit.
Mr. Dooley I do believe
you've been listening to me.
And you really amaze me. Of course
you are referring to Oliver Twist.
Yeah, exactly. Didn't, didn't you say
he busted out somewhere?
Ah, yes. Young master Twist breaks
free of the arduous workhouse.
A harrowing escape. That's it.
A more apt example might be
the count of Monte Cristo.
Now that's the pinnacle
of prison novel.
- See...
- That's entirely different.
I mean, pure fiction.
Look, I'm only in this cage
'cause I was sticking up for you.
Now how about you show a little
appreciation and help me out.
Absolutely not.
Shut up!
- Oh God.
- God Damn it, Dooley, shut up!
- Knock off all that racket.
- You ain't help me? Call for doctor.
Quit your belly aching
and sleep it off.
Jesus Christ!
That's blood! I'm gonna get the doc.
You hang on!
Mr. Dooley.
- Is he gone?
- Yes.
Got it handed to you, teach. Using
those berries was a damn good idea.
He totally bought it.
Well, we've got the chief
to thank for that.
That's right. Thanks Chief.
Okay, now work fast.
- Keys.
- Yes, keys. Come on. Go get 'em.
Go get 'em. That way.
- Over here.
- Okay. Did you do like I said?
I did indeed, sir.
Good, let's move.
Oh my goodness. This reminds me
of my eighth summer
when I ate all my mother's damson jam
and blamed poor Thomas Wick.
Oh, I didn't confess. And he was paddled
for it. Oh my goodness.
Sorry, mommy. Sorry, Tommy.
Come on. Get on that horse. Oh, Shit.
What you doing boy?
Get back here, you bastard!
Don't make me shoot you, boy..
- Dooley!
- Coming back for you, baby.
When I can afford to take you
to Paris.
I'll be waiting, baby.
- Goodbye, Ma'am!
- Bye bye, baby blues.
Hold! Huh?
What? Dooley!
If we head out at sun up,
we'll be pulling into Fortune
just in time for Sunday supper.
How's that for service?
Miraculous. That'll give me an entire
night to get settled and organized
before the 7:00 AM Monday
morning bell.
You are indeed a man of your word,
Mr. Dooley. Thank you.
You ever get tired of reading those
same books over and over again?
No. Never.
You know, I still don't know
what's supposed to be so damn fun
about reading.
It introduces you to new ideas,
expands your knowledge.
Plus being educated opens up a whole
new world of possibilities
with regard to one's future.
I'd wager with a decent education
you'd be able to get a wonderful job.
- No, correction, career!
- You think? What makes you so sure?
Thoreau said: "It's not what you
look at. It's what you see."
I may be looking
at a fearsome outlaw,
but what I see is a bright young man
with a brilliant future ahead
of him if he wants it.
Now, look, I've selected a book for you.
This is Gulliver's travels.
It's about an adventurer
such as yourself,
but it's also a biting satire
on politics and human nature
Alright. Read it to me.
Well, I really think you'd enjoy it
more if you read it yourself.
I don't wanna read it myself.
I just want to hear it.
- You know what? Just forget it.
- Fair enough.
Mr. Dooley...
Do you use that thing often?
My six-shooter? Often enough.
Tell me, have you actually shot
a fellow human being with it?
You gotta be shitting me.
Out here everyone shoots someone.
It's like the law of the jungle.
Wild animals killing wild animals.
You know? There ain't no other way.
If I'm not being too bold...
Just, how many have you killed?
- 19.
- Oh God, 19?
One thing I could teach you, teach,
the faster gun lives another day.
- Fascinating.
- But I never killed no woman
or no young'un, you know?
And I never shot no man
in the back.
- Well, bravo to that.
- Here. Wanna try it?
- Shooting a pistol?
- Yeah.
No. I, I don't think so.
Man. You went ass over elbows,
got some kick, don't it?
See nothing to it.
Come on you big sissy. Try again.
No, no, no. No more. No more. No.
I know what I can't do anymore.
Oh, come on. You know what you are?
An old fart.
- I beg your pardon?
- That's right. A dusty old fart.
Comparing me to a foul wind
from the bowels. What?
Because I refuse to partake in your
silly little shooting customs.
Well, it's outrageous, sir.
Outrageous.
Listen, teach. This is the wild west.
You gotta know how to shoot
to survive.
I mean, you're, you're the one
who taught me about Darwin
and all his survival
of the fittest hoo-ha.
Well, whoever shoots best
is the fittest in these parts.
Darwin... look, it's cowardly.
- Are you calling me a coward?
- If it howls like a wolf...
A wolf? What in the hell God damn
wolf have to do with anything?
- What, what are you talking about?
- It's a metaphor.
Well, you wouldn't be calling me
no coward.
If you'd have seen
how I had to use this gun
to get myself out of a jam after jam.
I mean, you, you wouldn't believe
half the shit I've seen.
Hell, they should be writing books
about me for what I've been through.
And in fact, I bet if you were
reading about my adventures
in some damn book, you'd be singing
a whole different tune
about who's a coward or not.
You'd be, you'd be saying
the character of Dooley
is a romantical hero
of the American West.
Look, I was merely stating
that there are more civilized ways
to settle disputes
than to hide behind guns.
Says the man who ain't
never steered down the barrel of one.
Correction, I've stared down
the barrel of yours
and did having my own gun
save me from you?
No. No, no. All I had were my words.
Please. You was never
in any real danger.
I'd have never shot an unarmed man.
Even one as annoying as you.
Although now I'm starting
to question that philosophy.
Mr. Dooley. All I'm saying is
that guns are not the answer...
Wrong! No, guns are the only answer.
There ain't no other way.
Have you ever heard of the expression
"the pen is mightier than the sword"?
No, I ain't!
Well, It's mightier than the gun
as well.
And I hope you absorbed
that lesson before it's too late.
I really do. And it's:
"No, I haven't" by the way.
I done told you
never to correct me again!
And you done lost out on your
blanket privileges. My blanket.
Good night then.
Beautiful stars.
- Don't move.
- Snake. What a nice surprise.
Cut this shit.
Well, what's happening? Whoa.
What the devil, what's going on?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Down, boy.
- What's the meaning of this?
- Teach for once in your life, shut up.
Well, Dooley,
it looks like we meet again.
- You know these men, Mr. Dooley?
- Mr. Dooley. Ain't we sophisticated?
- Can I drop him now, Snake?
- In a minute.
Snake. Oh, well what a colorful,
albeit somewhat cliched nickname.
No, I mean, assuming that Snake
is not your Christian name, of course.
God, here we go again.
- Christian, you are a preacher man?
- No, I'm actually a teacher.
It's merely a term.
You know, one's Christian name
is their given forename.
- My family name is Peachtree...
- Stop!
...but my Christian name
is Cecil Peachtree.
- Mr. Dooley's is Jedidiah. You see?
- So his Christian name be Charlie.
Oh, Charlie. Uh, precisely.
Yeah. Gotcha. Hey Charlie. Huh?
Kick this piece of shit over here to me.
- With pleasure.
- No, no, no. Charlie. Hey.
- Ah. Oh no. Hey.
- Snake, Snake. Come on Snake.
- No need to do that, Charlie.
- Empty your pockets right now!
Okay. Empty your pockets.
Do what he says.
Sorry. I only got a hanky.
What's an old fart like you
doing riding with scum like him?
What is this country's
fascination with farts?
Speak up.
Oh, well, you see, um, I was
on my way to the town of Fortune.
Oh, please sir. Don't toy with Gulliver,
please. No.
Anyway, quite by accident,
I missed the last train
and that's when kind Mr. Dooley
agreed to escort me to the town
of Fortune.
At least don't, don't mess with Gulliver.
No! Oh, no. Gulliver! No, please!
So he's kind Mr. Dooley is he?
Travel on, sweet Gulliver.
So, did kind Mr. Dooley agree
to escort you to Fortune
before or after he robbed you?
Well, that's neither here nor there.
But sir, I simply must protest.
Burning books is a sin.
So is stealing. It looks like
you and us got something in common.
We all been swindled
by kind Mr. Dooley here.
Looks like he stole all your money
and your belongings
- just like he stole our horse.
- Your horse? Mr. Dooley!
I trusted you.
I take you in.
You didn't have nothing.
You eat my food, drank my whiskey.
I took you under my wing
and trained you.
I treated you like the son I never had.
What do I get in return?
What's my thanks? A stab in the back.
Look at me, coward!
"Et tu Brute".
What?
"Et tu Brute", it's a Latin
phrase made infamous...
when Julius Caesar recognized
his trusted friend Brutus
as one of his assassins.
It's the most legendary betrayal.
You may recognize the phrase
from the Shakespeare play.
You know, uh, Julius Caesar,
I was reminded of it when you said that.
- Shut...
- Shut up!
Alright, shutting up.
But just one thing, if I may,
just one more thing.
You see, I've gotten
to know Mr. Dooley fairly well
over our time together.
And I find him to be a man
of absolute integrity.
So I'm certain if he stole
your horse,
he had a very good reason
in doing so.
And, and you all know
what Hippocrates said.
He don't know now.
Now, will you shut?!
Of course I do. What do I look
like an idiot?
"Desperate times calls
for desperate shit".
Wow. Wow. Oh yes, Mr. Snake.
Excellent. Very good. Almost.
And I'm sure Mr. Dooley was
in very desperate straits indeed.
When he made the ill conceived
decision to abscond with your horse.
Now as one learned man to another.
I've got the perfect solution
to our little dilemma.
Why don't you just take your
beautiful horse back
and all the cash for your troubles
and go on your merry way.
- No harm, no foul.
- Just like that?
Just like that.
Well, it sounds kind of nice
and civilized.
You see, Mr. Dooley,
when cool heads prevail...
There's one problem.
If we do it like you say,
I won't get the satisfaction
of seeing kind Mr. Dooley's brain
splattered against that rock
right there.
Now watch and learn teacher,
'cause you're next.
- I'll see you soon, mama.
- No. Oh, no. No. Oh, no!
- Leave his books alone.
- Oh, no, no!!
Dooley, behind you!
Mr. Dooley... Mr. Dooley.
Oh, no. Mr. Do.. Mr. Dooley,
Mr. Dooley.
Oh my God! Mr. Dooley!
No, oh Lord, oh no, forgive me. It was all
my fault. Oh God, I do apologize.
Oh Lord, forgive me!
Out, out, brief candle.
Life's but a walking shadow,
a poor player.
That struts and frets
his hour upon the stage,
and then is heard no more...
It is a tale told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury.
Signifying nothing.
Mr. Dooley. Praise the Lord.
You are alive. Thank goodness!
- Are you alright?
- Yeah. Yeah. Get off of me.
Alright.
- Oh, God, oh!
- Be careful...
Don't put any weight on it.
Mr. Dooley, sir.
Is he is... is he, he dead?
- Yeah. It would appear so.
- Check, Make sure.
Mr. Dooley, I suppose
his companion Charlie is run off.
He's got a hole in his forehead,
the size of a gold sovereign.
Oh, no, no.
Well, I guess this makes
number 20 for you.
Now look, we must regain our focus.
I really must attend
to your wounds, sir.
Oh my God!
It's gone right through. Oh, no help!
Who the hell are you yelling for?
We must get you to a physician,
Mr. Dooley.
You just need to heat up a blade,
and singe the holes
and wrap it up real tight.
I can't believe
he's really, he's...
he's really dead?
You, you... you crazy old fool.
This is all your fault.
You couldn't keep quiet, could you?
I could handle this situation
like I always done...
... but no, you and your damn
talking, and your damn books.
I shoulda let those books burn.
But no, you had me all convinced
it was so important...
He'd still be alive right now
if it wasn't for you.
All they wanted was their
damn horse back.
Begging the gentleman's pardon.
But it would appear
that they wanted a little more
than just their horse back.
I mean, Mr. Snake,
he didn't seem to be satisfied
with anything
other than our brains splattered
all over this rock.
Bullshit. You don't know nothing
old man.
I've been in a million jams
like this before.
A million times when it seemed
like it was curtains.
And I got out of it every time
without never having to kill nobody.
Oh, my... Mr. Dooley. You've never killed
anyone before. Have you?
Shut up.
Certainly nothing
to be ashamed of, sir.
Whatever you are feeling
is entirely normal.
I mean, taking a human life
is very profound.
And I'm so sorry that my singular
preoccupation over my books
created this chain reaction
that led to a man to lose his life.
And for this, I'm truly repentant.
But you were right, you know?
Circumstances as they presented
themselves required decisive action.
I mean, never in a million years
would've I expected myself
to shoot at another human being.
I mean, and yet here we are.
I could have talked our way
out of here.
Impossible. No, you did the only thing,
that could been done
to save our lives.
And you fought valiantly, sir.
You, you risked your life
and saved our very souls.
Don't feel nothing
like I thought it would...
killing a man.
Even though, even though he lived
the life of a villain,
and even though he definitely
had it coming.
Somehow... being the one
who done did him in...
it just, just feels wrong.
It's all right. It's because
you are a compassionate man.
So a man of introspection,
that's an admirable trait.
But please remember
it was self-defense.
- I mean, you said so.
- I said a lot of things.
I guess you were right, teach...
- Killing is for cowards.
- No, not at all. Mr. Dooley.
It was very brave what you did.
You saved us all.
And these voices and these books
will now be heard.
They'll be allowed to inspire
new generations.
No telling the benefits of this
new land will get from that.
And that's because of you. And I
speak on behalf of everyone here:
Mr. Shakespeare, Mr. Keats,
Mr. Melville, the Brontes.
I speak for them all.
And I say a heartfelt thank you!
Lord is my shepherd.
I shall not want.
He leadeth me beside still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil:
for thou art with me;
and I shall dwell in the house
of the lord forever. Amen.
Amen.
Wait, where do you think
you're going?
- The Fortune. Where the hell else?
- In your condition?
No, no, no. That's impossible.
You must rest here.
I'll go and summon help
from somewhere.
Bullshit. I promised I'd get
you to Fortune
in time for tomorrow morning's bell.
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
You don't think after all this I'd let
you off from agreement? Do ya?
- Well...
- Without my money?
Yes, of course.
Listen, if we're gonna make it there
in time without having a horse,
we're gonna have to walk all damn day
and straight through the night.
You think you can handle
that old man?
- I believe I can.
- Good.
Well, let's get one thing straight
from here on out,
it'll be no more talking. Okay?
Understand?
Now that I killed one man,
making it two, don't make
no difference.
Understood. But at least
let me carry the books.
You'll slow us down.
You are the one who's been shot
in the leg.
Mr. Dooley...
Right on time, Mr. Dooley.
You are indeed a man of your word.
I can't thank you enough. And now,
uh, about our business arrangements.
I'm certain that by this evening,
all pertinent paperwork
will be signed
and I'll be able to settle
my debt with you.
And I ain't staying around till
this evening.
You didn't think I'd be hanging
around this shithole
any longer than I needed to?
Did you?
No. I suppose not.
No. But the money, sir.
It surely it won't
be released until...
- Ah, keep your damn money.
- What? Mr. Dooley?
That's, that's very generous of you.
But unthinkable.
- No, a bargain is a bargain.
- It is your money for your new job.
- I'll be fine without it.
- But what are you going to do now?
Don't matter.
Well, I'm sorry,
but it matters to me.
Teach, the quicker you just forget
about me, the better. All right?
I mean, ain't you figured it out yet?
I'm bad news.
Some folks is... It's just this,
it's just, just born this way.
- Mr. Dooley, you have a heart of gold.
- Don't start using them twisty words
to try and convince me
that it ain't true.
I know what I am, but don't worry
about me. I'll be fine.
I always am.
At least take this...
for your journey. Please.
Teach...
I can't read.
I know that.
But this is for when you can.
Well...
Thanks.
Now go teach them kids.
Give 'em a future and all that.
Thank you... Mr. Dooley.
So last week we covered
the Louisiana purchase,
which was when the territory
of Louisiana
was purchased by the United States
from the French.
And that was when?
Anybody.
Anybody?
1803. Okay.
But today we're gonna talk
about when two very special gentlemen
were hired to explore
that new territory.
Their names were Meriwether Lewis
and William Clark.
And their mission was called
"The Corps of Discovery Expedition".
Greetings, Madam!
Out! Go away!
There's no panhandling in here.
Quick children hide under your desk.
I beg your pardon, Ma'am.
But you see, I'm...
A bum and a drunk
and I will not have you corrupt
his sacred house of learning.
Ethan, please jump out that window
and run and fetch the Sheriff. Hurry!
- Yes, Ma'am.
- No, No, no.
That won't be necessary.
You see Madam...
- I'm the new school master.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- The new school master is Mr. Cecil...
- Peachtree.
Cecil Peachtree, London, England,
at your service Madam.
Oh yes. I know.
I must look quite a fright,
but it's been the most exhausting
and unusual journey
to get here in time
for this morning's bell.
But me and the other ladies from
the cultural community center,
we were to pick up Mr. Peachtree
on Friday,
and we waited for him
on the train platform.
Yes. well, about that. You see,
I unfortunately missed the last train,
and I ended up taking
the more scenic route.
But listen, I did bring
some of my wares with me.
Well, they're a little singed
around the edges. Ah, oh good.
But I think yes,
they're not too worse for wear.
It's you, it's really you.
Mr. Peachtree,
I am Miss Eloise Maybel.
And on behalf
of the Ladies School Committee...
I want to welcome you
to the City of Fortune.
Children, Children, let's give
Mr. Peachtree a warm welcome.
- Hello Mr. Peachtree.
- Oh, hello everyone. Good morning.
I can't tell you how happy I am
to have finally arrived, in one piece.
Oh, you must be positively dog tired.
Shall we get you situated and you can
begin your lessons tomorrow?
Oh, heavens no.
No. I could be situated any time.
But with your permission,
I think I would just like to dive in.
- Oh, yes. Okay.
- Thank you.
I'll just run over to,
Ms. Annie's boarding house
and I'll get your room freshened up
and ready for when you're done
for the day.
- Splendid. Thank you, Miss Mabel.
- Thank you, Mr. Peachtree.
Well, let's start again, shall we?
Now I'd like to start off by telling you
about my greatest passion,
it's reading.
You know, books,
books can take us anywhere,
on any adventure
in any era... be it the past,
the present, or far, far...
Jedidiah Dooley... Here!