Later Days (2021) Movie Script
Look, honey,
at that beautiful funeral.
I've never seen so many flower.
Yeah, he was a nice man too,
but never had any fun.
Didn't have time.
Just worked and made money.
He didn't even have time
to enjoy himself.
Poor man.
Fucking.
How fucking excited
are you right fucking now?
Whoa, Karen.
I am like physically
fucking shaking,
- I'm so fucking excited.
- Hey!
I'm like wetter than that time
I dragged you guys
to see Magic Mike in the IMAX.
Karen, you're on speaker phone
with the boys.
whoops? Your boys?
Hi, boys!
Don't be a potty mouth
like your aunty K, okay?
So, Pam figure out
this fiasco yet?
Nope. She's closing
a huge deal today,
only been home to shower
and sleep all week.
Good.
Because Doug bought
a case of Red Fire.
Isn't that the stuff
that makes you poop red?
Fortunately, I only go
once every other week.
- Like on purpose?
- Help me!
No, not on purpose.
Midlife hormones are a real drag
on digestion.
Like you know those concretes
from Dairy Queen?
Where you turn them upside down
and nothing comes out?
- It's like one of those.
- Oh.
So, how are you gonna get Pam
in that dress?
No clue. Any suggestions?
Well. Any bad decision
I ever made in my life
involved vodka,
so I would start there.
Oh, and Mike!
Do not forget to go
to the bakery
and pick up that cake.
Don't forget the cake.
Don't forget the cake.
Hey, you're kids
are screaming in there.
Settle down,
there's no dogs in there.
Have a lollipop.
We have been working
on this deal for months.
This call has taken
three and a half hours
on a Saturday.
Let's... get it done.
So what do you say, Larry?
For $1,600 we sign
on the dotted line right now.
I've got a better idea, Richard.
How about
you do down to the site,
pull down your Armani's,
and run one them willows
up your ass,
because that's exactly
what you're trying to do to me.
Guys.
Oh go fuck yourself, Larry.
Hang on a second here.
Let's all just take
a deep breath
and reconvene
in a couple of hours.
Yeah, we'll circle back
when you catch
a fucking clue, Richard.
Okay, great. Pam,
are you good with that?
Totally agree, let's, uh...
Let's circle back.
C... Circle back.
I'm so sorry.
I don't think
I'm gonna be able
to make the game today.
Nah, it's okay. It's t-ball.
The kids hardly know
they're making the game.
How are the boys? Can I say hi?
Yeah. Yeah, uh...
Gimme...
Yes.
How are my dudes?
Daddy left us in the car.
Okay, you're a funny boy.
Alright. Go, walk to the field.
- Here's your other.
- Hi. Hey, buddy.
Whatcha playing?
Worst mother ever.
He doesn't even
wanna talk to me. Look.
Look he's gonna dance
with an iPad on his wedding day.
Hey, babe.
Right now, it's like this.
Close the deal,
and then we'll slowly
reintroduce you to the kids.
Oh, thanks. That's so sweet.
Oh!
Almost done.
Either of you smoke?
Okay.
I'm just shooting corporate
an email.
See if we can get that quote
a little lower.
Balls.
We're good.
All right, here we go, 25.
Let's take it
for a ride, big boy.
Yes! Go! Go!
Whoo!
Take two! Take two!
Go, dude!
Now come three. Come three!
Get dirty!
Don't get dirty. Yeah!
Safe!
All right. So you feeling
a little better?
Okay, great.
I'm checking her cognitive
function, Costillo. It's fine.
How's she look?
Let's get that Gatorade.
- Come here.
- Yay, I've won a game.
Yeah. You've got a good game,
go, go, go.
Hi.
Chip off the old block.
Yeah, let's hope his arm
stays attached.
How in the heck did he get
bubblegum stuck inside his ear?
Oh! Look at that.
I used to watch
your daddy play here.
I probably saw
every game he played.
- Until he got drafted.
- What's drafted?
- That's a great question.
- What's drafted? Yeah.
Great game today, Charlie.
Sorry, we're just
in a bit of rush.
So did you hear?
Coach Miller is retiring.
- I didn't.
- Yeah. Search is on.
Maybe you could
throw your name in the hat?
Yeah, that's a big jump
from t-ball.
Hey, Levi!
I heard you're pitching today?
I, I am.
You got this, man.
Stay strong.
Good to see you, Charlie.
- Tell your dad hi.
- Will do.
- And call the coach!
- Yeah.
Kids, close your eyes.
Dad is not doing anything.
Close those eyes.
Dad is not texting.
Hey.
Happy birthday.
Yeah.
Called in a sitter
for this place?
Don't worry.
Don't worry. I got you.
Beautiful light.
Wow.
Ah, thank you so much. Wow.
- Good?
- Yep.
- All right. Deal closed?
- Uh, no.
You said the deal
was gonna be closed
on the first of the
month, It's the first
of the month. Yeah.
That was the plan.
Until two billionaires
with egos the
size of Mount
Kiliman-fucking-jaro
decided to put a pause
on a $46 million deal
over two trees
that were left off,
mistakenly, on the survey.
Choo-choo.
Thank you.
- How are the boys?
- Ah, well,
since the last time
you saw them. Let's see.
MacGuire started shaving
and the toddler
joined the Merchant Marines, so.
No, they're good. I read them,
bathed them, fed them.
Uh. Hey.
Sitter came early. Said we could
stay out as late as we want.
Haha, I wish.
I mean,
this deal is, like, next level.
My year-end bonus means
that we can finally put a dent
in paying off law school,
start the 529
for the kids' college.
I mean, the kids are, like,
eight years old combined.
We should've started
when they were born, Mike.
All right. Look, babe.
I don't understand
anything that you do,
but I get why you do it.
And, honey, I...
I see you, I believe in you.
and I...
Got to answer that text?
Sorry. I just...
don't get a whole lot of
real life adult interaction.
And yet, here we are,
in real life.
Two adults, interacting.
Listen. I was thinking.
When the deal closes,
which it will,
what if, you and I,
take a trip?
Just the two of us, no kids.
Couple days
on the Bourbon Trail.
That sounds...
Busy day?
They wanted to wish you
a happy birthday.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure they do.
Oh.
This is work.
Mmm-hm.
Okay. I, uh, I'm starving.
Please order me something.
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
- Okay. What would you like?
- Oh, God.
I can't make
another decision today. Um.
No chicken, no beef.
Uh, nothing too starchy.
No dairy.
Just veggies,
but not drowning in sauce.
Okay, so basically air,
medium-rare.
- You got me.
- Got it.
Where are you?
We're gonna order
when she gets back. Thank you.
Don't you dare eat.
My taco guy has been cooking
for, like, tres fucking das.
Karen, the deal didn't close.
She promised the deal
would be closed today,
and it didn't. She has to work
all night. We are fucked!
Oh, no, no, no, buddy.
This party has already set sail.
The only thing you need to do
is get her in that dress.
Well, how exactly do I do that?
I don't know, Mike.
Maybe convince her
it's something kinky.
Get here.
Richard, I peed
in my office for you. Okay?
I was on the phone
with you all day long,
I realized I never
wished you happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Now, that's said.
But while I have you, what if e
buy the seller's stock?
Wait.
Repaper on a Saturday?
Wait. You want me
to recreate 150 pages
so you can assume
the guy's debt?
Is that bad?
Yes, yes, it's very bad.
Okay, look. I'm gonna go eat.
I'll call you in an hour. Okay?
- I want to stop, but we...
- Okay, I'm hanging up now.
- Hey.
- Aw, thanks.
What are you doing?
I'd like to open my gift
with dessert,
- if you don't mind.
- Actually, I kind of do mind.
Well, I'm starving.
Please. It would really
mean a lot to me.
Okay.
Is that my prom dress?
Nope,
it's your homecoming dress.
Uh, I'm confused.
Well, your mom had to throw away
your prom dress
because of the slab lake.
You know it got moldy.
No, no, I'm confused
why you're giving
me my homecoming
dress on my birthday.
Oh, don't worry.
I got is resized.
Oh, cool. Thank for
clarifying that necessity.
And why? Why did we resize this?
Oh, because I think
you were the sexiest
homecoming queen I ever saw
and I wanna make love to you
tonight in it again.
Oh, okay. Wow.
I knew it.
You're having a mid-life crisis
I wouldn't exactly call it
a crisis, but come on.
Why don't you just
get in there and...
put it on.
Are you having a stroke?
What? No.
Pam.
Go back to the bathroom
and put on that dress.
No, you go to the bathroom
and put on the frickin' dress.
Come on, what's more fun
than a little role playing?
Oh, my God. If this is
some Fifty Shades thing,
you know, you know
that that is not my jam.
Uh.
Just the cheque, please.
I thought you ordered.
I'm starving.
Just the cheque. Thank you.
Mike.
What is happening?
You are freaking me out
right now.
All of our friends,
and I mean all of them,
are around the corner
at a banquet hall,
waiting for you
to arrive in this dress.
Karen and I,
under the impression
that your deal would
be done today, the today
you promised
it would be done by,
decided to throw you
a surprise '80s prom party.
I thought
it was just you and me tonight.
I specifically said,
please, whatever you do...
Pam, don't say it,
it's too late.
I just, I just wanna go home.
I wanna eat, go home,
make sexy time, and work.
Do you not
wanna make sexy time with me?
Of course
I wanna make sexy time with you.
After the party.
- Michael.
- Pamela.
- Mike.
- Pam.
- Can I at least get other shoes?
- We don't have time.
I look like I'm going to, like,
a pilgrim prom.
You look great.
Shut your pie holes!
They're here!
I got this!
Evening, folks.
Welcome to the Polish American
- Veteran Society.
- Thank you.
- Oh, God. What are you doing?
- All right. Okay.
What is happening?
Oh, looks like Tom Cruise
is ready to have a good time.
There we go.
Dam-din-de-de-de-de.
Surprise!
Happy motherfucking birthday!
Look at Pam!
Wow. What a surprise.
And what is this?
Bitch, I am finally
Jake Ryan's girlfriend.
Just cut it. Okay.
Say your shaloms
and then I'm dragging you
to the bathroom
to fix your face.
Not that there's anything
wrong with it. Much. Move!
Happy birthday.
Crockett and Tubbs.
- Very nice.
- This is Elvis.
Hi, Elvis. P-shhh.
- Hi, Travis.
- Hey, girlfriend.
Happy birthday.
- You did, bro.
- I did it.
Thank you.
Oh, my God,
you invited your parents.
You look lovely, dear.
I'm surprised this still fits.
Yeah, well, Mike had it resized.
Hey, who do we gotta
kill to get a chair around here?
I'll get you set up, Dad.
Oh, but wait. Okay. Oh!
Pam.
- Freddy, you look amazing.
- I know.
Happy birthday.
The bags really tie
that outfit together.
You look like a terrorist
at a nudist convention.
Thanks, Dad.
Ran into old Charlie
the other day.
Who's Charlie?
Blind bat still calling games?
He said
Coach Miller is retiring.
Told you.
Get a teaching credential.
Yeah, you did say that.
- I got you something.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Huh?
Behind this is an online code
for my bestselling seminar,
"Freddy or not,
you can be rich like me".
- Wow.
- You are welcome.
I will check this out.
I know.
You looking for work? We always
need help at the shop.
I got a job, Dad. Taking care
of your grandchildren.
- Remember?
- Of course.
I meant one for money.
You know, most people think
Nirvana was a '90s band,
but they actually
made Bleach in '89.
- Oh.
- Personally, I'm more
into their earlier
sub-pop type tunes.
Save it, Wheat Thin,
we're boozin'.
Come on.
Hi.
I'm I'm Pam Young.
Shannon.
Shannon Klissanon?
I... Of course.
Of course. It's,
it's so lovely to see you.
Rowdy.
Excuse me.
- Hi, Pam.
- Hi.
I haven't seen you since, uh...
Uh, you know, the um...
High School.
Yes. Yes.
I haven't seen you
since High School.
How are you?
I'm great.
You look... great.
Actually, I'm...
I'm doing really great.
That's good.
Michael, Michael, motorcycle.
Serious tactical error
inviting that guy.
Not sure I actually did.
You know
he was a Chippendale's dancer?
And he dove
with Jacques Cousteau.
Apparently
he likes to wear speedos.
I recently
self-published my 11th novel.
Twelfth. If you count
the anthology
of Gothic Poetry I edited.
Awesome.
Will you excuse me
for one second?
All right, deadbeats.
Move it upstairs!
Who is that?
You went to Kindergarten
through 12th Grade with her.
I did?
She must look different.
No, she looked pretty bow-house
back then, too.
- I can confirm that.
- Oh.
- What's up, bitch?
- 'Sup, whore?
Did you have anything to do
with planning this nightmare?
Um, my loathing for you
runs deep, big sis,
but not deep enough
to throw you a surprise party.
Thank you for dressing up.
What? And overshadow
your lameness
on your special night?
I would never.
Madame D'coy.
Pamela.
So good to see you.
I was flattered
when Michael reached out to me
on the book of the face.
I could not say no.
I never say no.
My mother, she is dying
a slow, horrible death.
The bile of impermanence
consuming her.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
How do we know
we are really alive
until we are pinned
under the razor sharp boot
of suffering.
But tonight, we make party.
O... kay.
Step away
from the birthday girl.
We'll be back.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
Where'd you get this?
A souvenir
from my stint on Timber.
Do you mean Tinder?
No, it's like Tinder,
but for big and tall people.
You're five-three.
Yes,
and you have to be this tall
to ride this ride.
Okay.
So, who's bright idea was this?
Mike, of course.
He's been planning it
for months.
In his defense. He thought
your deal would close today.
Well, the day is not over yet.
I think he was eager to have
your undivided attention
for the night.
Sorry.
So Madame D'coy is here.
I still can't believe
Travis brought
his French teacher to prom.
Me neither.
The shit you could
get away with back then.
I know.
She would be guaranteed
five to ten
for sophomore shtupping
these days.
So, since his divorce,
have you guys... you know?
Travis and me?
Yeah.
I thought you always wanted to.
What? What!
No?
- No!
- Okay.
I mean, years ago.
Hey. Oh.
Hey, you.
Where've you been hiding?
Who ordered the fucking ceviche?
Coz my insides just went out.
I have some ginger mints
in my purse.
Like candy is gonna cure
20 years
of irritable bowel syndrome.
Listen. I'm going to keep this
on reserve all night.
Good luck with Travis.
I mean, can you blame
her bowels?
She didn't even wash her hands.
Close your mouth.
- Fucking nailed it.
- Yeah, it's...
Yeah.
Yes.
Michael.
What do you think?
You know what, I don't care
what your friends say about you,
I think you're pretty great.
Sergeant Sylvester, is it?
Folks around here call me Sarge.
Sarge.
Listen, so what if at midnight
this party is still, you know,
popping off?
Toots.
I was gay before FDR
was on the dime.
Work your magic
on a straight sucker.
You got till midnight!
Have no fear, friends,
the doctor is here
to guide you on this journey
back to your youth,
when the pants were pegged,
the Swatch
was the timepiece of choice
and the only page
you had to like
was your favorite band
on the cover
of your trapper keeper.
Now, if you're wondering
why I'm still anchored
to this festering cauldron
of piping hot tripe water,
called the '80s, let's just say
I'm attempting to live up
to certain
financial responsibilities
to two ex-wives and the IRS
that I accrued
during a 16-year ride
on the white line to oblivion.
Basically, I need the scratch.
But enough about me.
Let us now set sail
for those halcyon days
when everybody
wanted to rule the world.
Fuck me.
Punks.
Nerds.
Who are these people?
I told Mike to make
the Facebook invite private.
Wait, this is a public event
on Facebook?
- What is the difference?
- I don't know,
117 strangers
at my birthday party.
- Plus, I'm not even on Facebook.
- These aren't strangers.
We went to Hight School
with these people. I think.
Okay, so is this
a birthday party
or a reunion?
Just for clarification.
- Hi, Janie.
- Doug.
Hello.
- Never gonna happen, Doug.
- Oh.
A boy can dream, can't he?
As long as that dream
includes mouthwash
and ample personal space.
Oh!
Thank you.
Ooh. Sick burn.
What's up with the book ends?
No need to whisper, my friend.
They don't speak English.
None?
None. Watch this.
Bananas.
Nothing.
So, are you, uh,
teaching French?
No, I retired after the 2KY.
You mean, Y2K?
It was a bust, I know.
My partner at the time,
he was, how do you say?
Two polar.
- It's bipolar.
- Yes.
Very confused.
He convinced me
to move into the woods.
We lived off the land
and had our own fecal compost
for three years.
Until he contracted
Lyme Disease.
Where'd you find them?
They showed up
at my seminar in Prague.
They're marginally famous
contortionists,
but they're looking
to grow their portfolio
of appreciating assets.
Just like the rest of us.
So, they tie themselves
in knots?
They can work themselves
into any sort of kink.
I bet they can.
You know, um...
You're the only teacher to ever
give me a C in High School.
Did you deserve it?
I mean...
I didn't think so at the time.
I drank a lot then.
I was eager to feel something.
Your disappointment fed me.
Kept me alive.
- Mike. Long time.
- Yeah.
How are you?
I'm good. I'm good.
Hey, whatever happened
to baseball?
- I thought I'd seen you on TV.
- Yep. That was the plan.
Then I tore my UCL
right up the ball
and frayed my shoulder.
- Did a little triple A...
- Bummer, That's a bummer
- ...got a little TV time.
- But Hey.
It's a kids' game anyway, right?
All right.
Dick.
Boo.
Oh. Hi.
You know, I was just thinking
about that Algebra II.
Trig? The final we stayed up
all night for?
Oh. We had Algebra II together?
Yeah.
Yeah. You and your dog.
What was his name?
Sting?
- You remember my dog?
- Of course.
He ate all our pizza.
Threw it up
all over your pillow.
Okay?
Wow.
You have, like, a complete...
memory, filled with so much.
I had to, um...
defrag the old hard drives
for the bar exam.
You know.
So that's probably why...
University of Chicago.
Oh!
- You went there too.
- No.
Oh.
That's where you studied law.
I... I did.
How did you...
I've kept tabs on you.
You know, since...
that night.
Okay.
It was so good seeing you.
Okay.
Love you too.
...years ago.
Michael, hi, hi.
- Hey.
- Can I, uh,
- talk to you for a second?
- Sure.
- Like, anywhere but here.
- Oh.
Hey, let's do this real quick.
Come on. Let's take a picture.
It'll be so fun.
Here, turn around.
Push out your belly.
We're gonna do pregnant prom.
My only A is in Wood Shop,
and I'm gonna be a dad!
Jeez,
You're really committed to this.
Come on, isn't this fun?
Actually, no, I'm on verge
of like a panic attack.
- What? Why?
- I'm pretty sure that the uh...
the woman over there that
looks like Sally Scissorhands...
Shannon Klissanon?
Yeah uh, I'm pretty
sure she's the stalker
I never knew I had.
I'm sure she's just excited
to reconnect.
By reconnect you mean go full
Single White Female on me
before I've even cut the cake?
Oh! Fuck! Fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!
What?
I forgot the cake.
- I'm so sorry.
- Ah, dude.
- Dammit.
- All I wanted was cake.
I thought all you wanted
was sexy time?
Don't make me choose Michael.
You're not going
to like the answer.
Look, I, uh...
I so appreciate
what you've done here.
I can tell that
you went to a ton of trouble.
And I'm so grateful, but...
man, if you didn't forget
what a drag High School was.
I don't understand.
How was it a drag, exactly?
Okay. A.
We were a bunch
of shallow dicks in High School.
And B. Dressing up
in our shallow dick uniforms
is just gonna
remind people of C,
go back to A. We were
a bunch of shallow dicks.
But we were teenagers.
Nobody gives a shit anymore.
I'm guessing a few
of these people
hold some serious resentments.
No joke. It's only human nature.
You are wrong.
Check this out, okay?
The ham-burglar.
Okay, Trudy, fine. Sorry.
I wouldn't be caught dead
with her in High School
now we play Farm Town together.
Okay? She's got a cat
name Sylvester.
Nickname is Sly.
Okay. It sits upright
on the couch
and looks like human being.
She walks it with a leash.
How cool and weird is that?
- Oh, thank you.
- Sure thing.
All right?
Everyone is happy. Okay?
Here to celebrate you.
This is cool.
Okay.
Hey, dark shades. Dark shades.
Dark shades.
Hey, can you play the song?
You know, the one, um,
the one with, like,
the quiet guitar and the...
Boom-boom. The drums.
- Good one.
- No, really. Hey.
It's the song with the,
with the really quiet guitar.
It's ring-ling-ling-ling
and then the ding-ding-ding,
boom-boom-boom, the drums.
- Who's it by?
- Oh.
The guy.
The guy that plays the drums
that goes boom. The...
- Phil Collins?
- No!
Fuck! Damn.
It's... the guy that plays the...
It's the song...
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you Google it?
Hush-hush. Bye-bye.
Wow. More like
Doctor Throws Shade.
Did you just shower me
with imaginary jizz?
No. No.
You're getting pretty brave
as you run away.
Ah, that's my jam.
You know that guy's got,
like, two million followers.
Yeah, but they're all
Russian bots like those two.
How do I get verified?
No one knows.
Verify me.
Yo, Michael! Whoop-whoop!
Oh, no.
Hey. Walk with me to get smokes.
Someone took my pants.
Oh. Do you need pants
to go buy smokes?
Don't know. Never smoked.
Oh, fuck it.
Dude, this party,
honestly, is a complete
and total fucking disaster.
What are you talking about?
- This party is epic.
- If it isn't your birthday.
Listen.
Let the Red Fire kick in,
- Pam will come around.
- I don't know.
Richard, I know this isn't
how you wanted the day to end.
I get it.
I'm telling you,
torching the deal at this point
is so stupid. Just talk to him.
You're at the same
charity event.
Just walk on over.
I can't talk
to this guy. Fuck no.
Don't burn this thing
to the ground
over ego. Okay? Bye.
- Hi.
- Hi. Boy,
sounds like a three-alarm.
Didn't know you were
a firefighter.
Oh, no. Just a lawyer.
Oof.
Sorry.
It's okay. So, lemme guess,
you climbed Everest
before the age of 25?
Married the fit Peruvian
shaman lady
who guided you to Machu Picchu.
Sailed around the globe
on a solar-powered boat.
Let me down easy.
What've you been up to
- the past 20 years?
- No, no, uh...
Well, actually, no, I did go
on a cruise to Alaska.
With my ex-wife and our son.
But that was before
she married Claire.
My orthodontist partner.
You're an orthodontist? Huh.
Really? Uh, I thought
the more titillating part
of that story would be my wife
leaving me for another woman.
You always knew
how to surprise...
Oh. Hold on, sorry.
Twenty-four hour attorney, huh?
Must pay well.
Don't be fooled by my, uh,
formal attire.
I work out million dollar deals
for my clients all day
and then go home
and try to figure out
if my cheque has deposited
before my cable autopay
has gone through.
And things like that.
Wow.
- Can I help you?
- A pack of lights
and tin of Wintergreen?
I told Pam I'd quit.
- Did you?
- Not really.
Don't you remember
health class, Doug?
"Tobacco stunts your growth."
Wait.
- Phyllis. Phyllis Okano.
- Yeah.
- Four-eyed Phyllis!
- Oh, he said it.
Okay.
Hey. What happened
to the other two?
Oh. Total eye replacement.
I grow clones in my basement.
- LOL.
- Yeah.
You look great.
Oh, thank you. So do you.
That is a lie.
I look like High School me
went into anaphylactic shock.
Oh.
True, but...
What happened to your pants?
We're having a big
High School reunion
- over at the banquet hall.
- No, it's, uh, Pam's birthday.
But your welcome to stop by
after your shift is over.
Oh, I'm stuck here
until midnight,
but wish Pam
happy birthday from me?
- I will. I will.
- Thanks.
- Uh, hey, Doug?
- Yeah.
- Can I ask you a weird question?
- Absolutely. What's up?
Did you toilet paper
my parents' house?
What!
It happened a lot in High School
and over the last years
it started up again,
so my dad installed a camera.
Smart.
I ask because he showed it to me
and the guy on there
looks a lot like you.
That's weird.
You know I don't live there
anymore, right?
Not since college.
Yeah.
Of course. Totally.
I know you don't live
with your parents.
You're an adult
and you moved somewhere else.
I don't live with my parents.
Oh, I live with my mom now.
Well see, coz my condo,
it went under in a sinkhole.
- In the ground.
- A literal sinkhole?
Okay. All right.
It's great seeing you.
Yeah, it's great.
Oh, you look great.
Okay. Thank you. So do you.
- Dude, she's onto us.
- Us?
I haven't toilet papered
her house since...
Dave Grohl was a drummer.
Man.
We were such dicks.
That's what Pam just said to me.
I don't...
Do you really think so?
Yeah, buddy, pfft, mega dicks.
Well, she seems
to think you are, uh,
still doing it. The papering.
No, what she said
is a guy that looks like me
- is still doing it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
- Look.
Uh-oh.
Go, Dougie!
Oh!
So close.
Almost nailed the landing.
Hey, hey. Hey, buddy.
- Grammy?
- No, no, no. Just me, Trav.
Okay. It's all right.
Just breathe now.
You're gonna be okay.
No, no, no. Don't get up, Doug.
Doug, Doug. Stay down.
Oh, shit.
I think I lost my tooth.
It's gonna be all right.
We'll get you a new tooth.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
You know that stuff's
good for inflammation?
Turmeric's a power spice.
Huh.
- Pam!
- Hi.
Guess who we ran into?
- Who?
- Four-eyed Phyllis.
Oh, that poor girl.
Why? What happened?
Nothing. Only that we spent
half of our youth
defacing her home
with Charmin's single ply.
Really, it just came down
to geography.
- Exactly.
- It's like her house
is a trading post
on the trail of beers.
Between High School
and Doug's mom's.
Pam, you remember this?
Yeah. Of course.
Running from the police.
Travis puking
under the neighbor's topiary.
Just say shrubs.
Yeah, totally remember. So fun.
You know what?
I'm gonna give a toast.
All right, let's get some shots
lined up, Maverick.
All right.
Everyone, come on... Trudy.
Shannon. Toast, shots.
Phil Collins.
Um, all right, guys.
So, it's... Thank you.
It's recently been
brought to my attention
that I... we all,
I may have been a dick
back in High School.
Which apparently I blocked out.
If that is true,
if I wronged you in any way,
from the bottom of my heart,
I apologize.
Now that I'm not a
popular jerk anymore.
I hope
that I can make it up to you
now that we're adults
and we have mortgages
and hemorrhoids.
Uh, look.
A lot has changed
since High School.
But one thing
has stayed the same.
My love for this woman,
right here.
Pam.
You did it for me then.
You do it for me now.
I love you.
Happy birthday.
- Aw, thank you.
- Cheers.
- Cheers everyone.
- Cheers!
My therapist and I
have talked a lot
about that evening.
- Okay.
- She says
it shaped my character.
Okay.
That even though...
we're born how we are,
there are often incidents
that introduce us
to our true nature.
And that was likely one of them.
I don't know if you read
my sixth self-published book?
No.
Why not?
I was able to relive
some of the more
intimate moments
from that long
President's weekend.
You know.
Fictionally, of course.
Um.
Say it.
She...
she's smelling me.
What's up, Shannon?
Hi...
You ever feel
like one of those things?
What things?
Those things. The urinal loaf.
I think it's...
I think it's called a cake.
It's a urinal cake.
Ever feel like one of those?
You know, just...
a huge target on your back.
So big, you can't miss
even when you're drunk.
People just love shooting
their hard stream of hot piss
right up your ass?
Like it's a game?
You ever feel like that?
- All the time.
- Constantly, yeah.
You guys are all right.
Let me give you my card.
What the...
Well, look at that.
That's gotta be 20 years old.
Here you go.
DJ Shades.
DJ Shades.
See you guys after, right?
No, Dougie. That's so gross.
Don't reach into... Ew!
It's sealed.
Come on there's gotta
be an expiration date
on that shit. Let's go.
No, Dougie. No, Dougie!
Okay, okay. Wait. Maybe.
Maybe it's like wine,
it gets better with age.
Who would know?
Karen.
Boys?
- In here.
- Sweet.
- Come on. Go, go, go, go.
- Okay, okay.
Let me see the stuff? Ooh.
How old is it?
Ah, possibly decades.
That color is concerning.
What is the worst
that could happen?
Sinusoid polyps, paralysis,
early onset death.
So, kind of hard to say.
Do I need to write
up a detention?
What are you three up to?
Nothing, Madame D'coy.
Actually, the boys reclaimed
some vintage cocaine
and we're trying to decide
if it's safe to ingest.
- Hand it over Douglas
- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, my.
- Madame D'coy, you okay?
Been a long time, Travis.
- No, I'm a state employee now.
- I said.
Hmm-mm.
What do you say
we flee this bordel, you and I?
- Uh, I'm Doug's ride.
- I can Uber.
- Um, take me home, Trav.
- You know,
they say the inside of a nostril
has more pleasure receptors
than the vagina.
Okay, I'm gonna go see
if the caterers are restocking
the kale Caesar.
I'm gonna help her with that.
Hmm.
Whoa!
Thought you were just
really excited to see me.
Sorry.
That's cool.
Your phone screen
is lighting up your cleavage.
God's pocket.
It's smaller than that.
This next song reminds me
of an evening I spent
with Paul Westerberg
at the Hilton in Austin.
Lasted four days.
Let's make some twirls.
Here we go.
Then you get in tight and I go.
Hey.
- Hey, man. What's up?
- You tell me.
Not much. Getting a drink.
Need anything?
For you to stop
molesting my friend out there.
Oh.
Are you guys together?
What? Uh...
No.
Oh, all right.
Look man I'm here with those two
Yugoslavian pretzels, all right?
This? This is just dancing.
Oh, it's just dancing.
Okay. You zoot suit-wearing
motherfucker.
The zoot suit?
I guess we all don't get
to wear steel-toed shoes
to work every day.
What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?
Times change, Trevo.
See, you were the shit
in High School.
In fact, you took a shit
on the hood of my Oldsmobile.
Yeah, coz you called it the, uh,
- Shitmobile.
- Yeah.
That was funny, yeah.
You know what wasn't funny?
My dad saved up for six months
to surprise me with that.
I didn't want to go home
to show him it.
So, instead,
I stood in that parking lot
and I cleaned it
in front of everybody.
Yeah.
You were the shit, man.
But today,
today you couldn't take a shit
on all the cars I own.
Even if I gave you
a month to do it.
Unless you have cholera,
or something.
- Fuck you.
- Travis.
- Stop it.
- No, it's okay.
Karma's a bitch, bro.
- You wanna dance?
- I just did!
With your girl.
Whoa! Hey!
That's 12 years of jiu-jitsu,
you dumb bitch.
Kick his ass, Trav!
All right, sailors,
that's enough.
Mike? Where's Mike?
I want a prom king recount,
right now, motherfucker.
Whoo! Let's go.
I get a hazard bonus
for fights, FYI.
- Check the contract.
- Michael.
Uh, we're gonna leave.
Oh, really? Already?
Figured the main event would
last more than two rounds.
Not sure I got my money's worth.
Okay, I'll walk you to the door.
- Fuck that guy.
- Yeah, fuck that guy.
- I was about to fuck him up.
- Yeah, you were.
If he hadn't thrown you
to the ground and pinned you,
completely immobilizing
your arms, legs, and body,
you'd have totally
fucked him up.
- My heart's really pounding.
- That's normal.
You think it's from the fight
or from the cocaine?
Yes.
Good job, son.
- Lovely party.
- Glad someone had a good time.
Not us, but someone.
You okay, Pops?
Wouldn't be here if I weren't.
- Goodnight, dear.
- Night, Momma.
You should apply for that job.
- Think so?
- What job?
What the hell?
All they can tell you, is no.
What job?
This evening is testing
my true faith in humanity.
Oh, seriously, who farted?
Uh, that would be me.
Uh, deviled eggs
don't eat themselves.
All right, you kiddies
get outta here.
- Send Pam in.
- All right.
She's not out here, bro.
Where'd she go?
Hey! We should do one shirtless.
Fuck it, let's do it.
Hey. Enough
with the '80s already.
- Ain't that the truth.
- It's time to move on.
- Am I right?
- Yes.
High five.
Give me the keys, mayor.
All right. All yours.
Jeez.
Moving on, fuckbags.
Hey, man. Have you seen my wife?
- Your wife?
- Yeah.
You know the Hebrew word
for wife is "eesha".
Which literally means
"my woman".
"Eesh" being the word for "man".
Appreciate your help.
Fuck me.
- It's not what you think.
- No?
Uh...
Pretty sure
it's exactly what I think.
I just... I needed a quiet place
to send a quick email.
Quick email? This is a war room.
You have a problem, Pam.
No, that's... that's not true.
I think I've been in denial
this whole time.
There's no going back from this.
You're a deal junkie.
That's... that's not fair.
I don't think
you're in a position
to rule on what's fair.
Councilor.
Good luck with your deal.
Mike. Wait.
I do it for you. I do it
for the kids. I do it for us.
Bounce! Bounce!
Bounce! Bounce!
- Find the missus?
- I did.
Where is she?
Faxing her boyfriend
in the janitor's closet.
Hoo. That sounds hot.
Thanks for the support.
- Madame.
- You've lost your shirt.
Oh, yeah. I guess I have.
"There's scarcely any passion
without struggle."
What's that?
Albert Camus.
Friend of yours?
No, just a hero
who has the courage
to drive himself into a tree.
Cool.
You know, the surprise
is supposed to be
your guests hiding from you,
not you hiding from you guests?
What's the matter?
I'm just...
so fucking exhausted.
This is they part
they don't tell you
about being an adult.
It's just so fucking tiring.
You okay?
Will you help me pack?
Yes, I'll help you pack.
Is that a fax machine?
Yeah.
You're a psycho.
Oh, Travis!
We're so primal!
I want to rip off your face
like a praying mantis.
Okay. Shut up. Shut up.
You can't silence my passions!
They will not be squelched.
- I shower you. I shower you.
- What is...
- Stop that! Stop that!
- My passion.
- Shower you.
- What is wrong with you, lady?
Come on.
Gentlemen.
I think your girl
has gone rogue.
Karen! Karen!
Karen!
Karen!
Why don't you come down here
and call me
Hamburglar to my face?
And for the record?
I was a hipster before we were
ever even called that.
You just invited us to
make fun of us
on your text chain.
Like you did when we were kids.
We didn't even have texts
back then,
Elvira.
We would draw pictures of you
and pass it around
on folded-up notes.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Did you just come out of the...
Ooh, my bad. I gotta go find...
Do you have a cigar?
Um, sorry, I don't smoke.
Ah. A delusional life extender.
Your kind disgusts me.
Get out of here.
- Thank you.
- You okay?
- Yeah. Thank you.
- All right.
You guys are the same
cliquey assholes
you were in High School.
Except with a net worth
that's a fraction of mine.
And most of that is Pam's.
Pam, good job. I'm a fan.
Thank you.
What the fuck is that?
- What the fuck is what?
- All over your face?
You smell like Mike and Ikes.
Oh. Uh.
Seriously?
What?
Again with Professor McGonagall?
- What do you care?
- That's a...
great, fucking question.
Yeah. Well, bon-fucking-jour.
- Bon, dear, bon.
- Get outta here.
Right. That's enough!
You folks are worse
than a shipload of sailors
on a one-night pass.
You ought to get out more often.
And by get out, I mean
some place other than here.
We haven't had cake yet.
Enough with the fucking cake,
already, Dougie.
Anything you leave
can be claimed
on the street in the morning.
Savages!
Jesus Christ.
I can't believe
I skipped Animal Planet
for this horseshit.
Who wants to get a real drink?
I own a bar downtown.
I've never been there,
but it gets good profit.
- You had me at "your own bar".
- All right.
Oh, Michael?
I knew you wouldn't be
much of an opponent,
but I just felt bad for you.
Sitting at home
with your kids all day,
posting all those
mopey pictures.
I thought this might
cheer you up, but, um,
if you can't figure out a way to
wrangle a few digital
sheep into a pen,
then maybe you shouldn't
be playing this game at all.
So, I guess I'm gonna be
heading out with those guys. So.
Hey, you guys wanna get an Uber
to my mom's house?
Sure.
I'll get my own. Thanks.
At this rate I'll probably
sober up in time
to take my 7 a.m.
power yoga class.
- Are you kidding me right now?
- What?
You're just gonna take the loss,
call it a night?
I tried to pay off
the old sea hag,
but he's not letting
us back in there.
I don't mean
to go back in there.
That's where you guys
wanted to spend my birthday.
Did it ever
occur to you to wonder
what I would wanna do
on my birthday?
Where do you wanna go tonight?
I don't know. Just something
where I'm the decider.
Maybe you're never the decider
because you don't know
what you wanna do.
Shut up, Doug. I'm thinking.
Oh.
Fine.
I know what I wanna do.
- Then call it.
- I wanna go toilet papering.
Ah, four-eyed Phyllis?
You know she only
has two eyes now.
I don't...
I don't care is she's blind
or not blind,
I wanna do that shit up.
- Savage.
- Her dad...
just installed
a surveillance camera.
It's easily disabled.
From what I have read
on the internet.
Are you serious, Councilor?
Serious as a cease-and-desist.
I don't think it's a good idea.
You never took me along
to vandalize
that poor girl's house.
Not once.
Oh, my God. Did we hurt
your feeling?
Dude, I spent my entire youth
wishing I could hang out
with you guys.
And this is what I was missing?
Yeah.
What's it to you?
Where are you going?
I'm going downtown
to get a drink.
Hey. Do you want
me to come with you?
No.
You take my sister
toilet papering.
But you almost did it, Doug.
I'm proud of you.
If I was
just a little bit drunker
and you still
had all your teeth,
you could've made this work out.
Progress was made, big buddy.
Progress was made.
Phyllis go home?
She did.
Are you the guy
that toilet papers
her folks' house?
She said he came in tonight.
No.
I'm just a very diligent wiper.
Looks like you're ready
for business, then.
Yes.
Hey, Mr. Whipple, car's here,
let's go.
Well, we all
have our special gifts.
- I saw you eat a piece of pizza.
- It was delicious.
Hey, my man,
you mind killing these lights?
Dude turn off the lights.
I think he's concerned
he's Ubering us
on a drive-by.
- Stop!
- What!
- That's it.
- What's it?
That's the song
I've been requesting all night.
Dude, this song is from 2006.
Yeah, Dougie, you know this is
the song that band was playing
when you stage-dived
and broke your clavicle.
Oh. At the Osteoporosis Benefit.
No wonder he didn't know
what I was talking about.
It's go-time, people.
Don't worry, I got you, Boo.
Four stars.
You lose one because of
that Funyun smell in here.
Guys,
are we really feeling this?
I'm kinda tired
and the babysitter
just hit triple digits.
- Don't be a pussy, Mike.
- Whoa. A pussy? Okay.
Three hours ago you called me
a dick, now I'm a pussy.
Who's the dick now, Captain TP?
Okay, ever since text-a-palooza
happened, over here
- it's become a fluid situation.
- Ouch.
- Give me one of those.
- I got you, babe.
Thank you. It's. You know,
tomorrow's a new day. Okay?
What is happening?
I like 40-year old Pam.
She's a badass.
I'm going in.
Oh. Leroy Jenkins!
What can I get you,
mademoiselle?
Do you know what happened
to the last man
who said that to me?
Oh, you smothered him
with your furious passion,
but denied him the honey
of your fruits,
causing him
to wither into a husk
of eternal longing
and desperation?
How did you know?
I'm not a chimp.
Hey, isn't that Pam's sister?
Well, I'll be Steven
Patrick Morrissey, it is.
Your sister's
a real piece of work.
Yeah, she is.
She stupidly
married into a fraternity,
but she works harder
than all of us,
and she still has time
to raise two rad kids.
Yeah, well, complicity
is culpability.
She's not the only lawyer
up in here.
Pam didn't remember
the defining night
of my adolescence.
Sleeping
in your dark living room.
Crawling into my sleeping bag.
Caressing cabbage patches
in the dark.
What are you talking about?
That wasn't Pam, that was me.
- No.
- Yeah.
It wasn't...
- Yeah.
- Wait.
What?
Remember, Sting threw up
on a pillow,
we had to share one
and you were wearing those
Thundercat underoos.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
You were, like, the first
edgy girl I'd ever seen.
So mysterious.
Smoking those cloves.
In your short skirts
and those Doc Martens.
I even hooked up with a girl
freshmen year
in my dorms who looked like you.
- You don't say.
- True story.
You know Klaus Martens
was a doctor in World War II?
Broke his ankle
skiing in the Bavarian Alps.
And found that the standard
wehrmacht boots
were too painful,
so he invented his own.
Okay. Thanks for the update,
Anne Frank.
So, where's
the royal court tonight?
Smashing mailboxes,
tipping cows?
Close.
A toilet papering mission.
Did you say toilet papering?
That pot-bellied motherfucker!
I thought she was asleep
the whole time.
- All right.
- Hey.
Bro.
Go take it, big boy.
Go, take it.
Yes! Yes, yes...
That's it.
Yeah, sweetheart. Good one.
Here we go.
- Gotcha!
- Get out of the way.
Nice.
Time to bring in the closer.
Still got it.
- It's beautiful.
- It really is.
What if I was meant to do this?
TP homes?
I'm serious, dude.
What if I was meant to do this?
I'm decidedly mediocre
at everything.
I always have been.
I mean, Pam's a super lawyer.
Karen can design
a store-front window
that nobody can ignore.
Mikey can throw a baseball
100 miles an hour.
Jesus, what can't you do?
Resist 65-year old poutine,
evidently.
I mean, what if I was put
on God's green earth
to do this?
If you put it as your profession
on your Schedule C,
you could probably
write off the toilet paper.
Oh, shit.
Cops.
- Quickly, quickly.
- Save these.
- Let's go.
- Come on, come on.
- Come on. Follow me.
- My bag!
Follow me.
Guys?
Guys?
Come on, sweetheart.
Fast as you can.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Come on, give me your hand.
Grab one.
What are you doing?
These bags are our life, are you
kidding me I can't leave them.
Leave the bag,
please, I beg you.
Bag two.
- Okay.
- Dammit. Give me your hand.
- Okay. Good. Pull, pull, pull.
- Ow! I got a splinter.
Sweetheart.
I feel like I have a
tweezer in my bag.
Put your hands up
and walk slowly out to the tre.
Give it, give it.
Come on!
- Get your foot up there.
- Oh. Oh. Ow.
- Ma'am.
- Handcuffs? Come on.
Ma'am, calm down.
- Pam!
- Ow. Ow.
- Watch the phone.
- I've got my own.
Let's go, ladies. Come on.
Excuse me, I am an attorney.
- Okay?
- Oh, good.
Then you can represent yourself.
Fuck.
- Fuck.
- The rest ran away.
Where's Pam?
The cops got her.
Dude you saved
the crocodile and not your wife?
Dude, she could be disbarred
for this.
Why didn't you just
let them take you?
It's not like you got a job.
I didn't think of that.
She's gonna be so pissed.
We can't leave her in jail.
She's too pretty and kind.
Yeah, and her kids
will be orphans.
Financially speaking.
All right.
Let's go down to the station,
tell them the whole story,
and we'll offer ourselves
in exchange.
They'll let her out, right?
I don't think
cops barter, buddy.
But if that's what you wanna do,
I'm down for whatever.
- Clearly, mon ami.
- Come on.
It's not mine. Mine's a duck.
- Hello?
- Hey Pam?
Um, no, this is her husband.
The one who hasn't seen her
in three weeks.
Because you're too pussy
to cut down a couple of trees.
Clearly you don't know who I a.
I know exactly who you are.
You are the prick who can't tie
his own fucking shoelaces
without calling my wife
in the middle of the night.
Why don't you just put Pam on?
I would love
to put her on the phone,
but the cops
just took her to jail.
Because she is so stressed,
holding your tiny,
little hands, Richard,
to support our family,
that she took it out
on four-eyed Phyllis.
Who has her own house now
and doesn't even have
four eyes anymore!
Oh, shit.
- Okay, now I'm in trouble.
- That was bad.
Guys?
Stop. Stop.
Oh, shit.
Where are you folks headed?
- Like I'm telling you, copper.
- Shut the fuck up, Dougie.
We're headed down
to the station.
I think
you just arrested my wife.
I figured you were the fools
that threw a surprise party
before her deal was closed.
She said that to you?
Yeah, she did.
The pressure gets to people,
man. Sometimes they pop.
Well, I was hoping that...
you would take me instead.
Can we do an exchange?
It doesn't work like that,
Tom Cruise.
Travis?
Hey.
How'd you end up
with these idiots?
Uh, are you kidding?
He's the chief idiot.
Not now.
Is there anything I can do?
Other than lose your job
with good benefits
because you
and your friends decided
to relive
your juvenile delinquency?
Come on, Castillo.
We're the assholes
who did the toilet papering.
Pam wasn't supposed to be there.
It's not recommended
for civilians.
- Dude.
- Hey, get it cleaned up.
I'll convince them
not to press charges.
You? Get in the car, Maverick.
Really? Oh, thank you.
We'll take care of the yard.
Go get your woman.
- Good luck, Mike.
- Let's go pick up
the toilet paper.
Love you, Mike.
You're a life saver,
thank you so much.
No.
Hey, K. I'm sorry.
Hey. Come on. Karen.
I know I fucked up.
I'm sorry.
Of course you fucked up.
You always fuck up.
Especially when it seems
we're on the verge of thinking
that whatever this mess of
lip blisters and broken dreams
has been for the last 30 years,
is finally coming
to fucking fruition.
Hold on. You never once told me
how you really felt,
- so how am I...
- No, no, no.
You don't get
to play dumb anymore.
You fucking sabotage
this every chance you get.
- That's not true.
- You know,
I have always wondered
why I'm not good enough for you.
When the real
fucking question is
why I ever thought
you were good enough for me.
Doug!
Give me the damn skippy.
Richard?
They wouldn't let me
buy your way out.
So, I'm on my way in.
You... you paid to get in here?
Actually,
I think the term they used
was attempting to bribe
an officer of the law, but...
I assured them my attorney
would prove my innocence.
Oh, I can't even go to jail
without you bothering me.
Your husband has
made it abundantly clear
that I have boundary issues.
Wait. You spoke to Mike?
He gave me a piece of his mind
about how I've been abusing you.
He's protective.
Seems unstable.
Well you would be unstable too
if you had to take care
of two kids,
do all the laundry,
and the cooking,
and just hear nothing
but complaints
from your unappreciative wife
for throwing her
a lovely surprise party.
All because she has
a very stubborn client
who won't just pay to remove
a couple of willow trees
from an easement.
I have been a pain in the ass.
Because I let you.
I am a deal junkie.
If it helps,
I did what you told me to do.
Oh, boy.
I talked to doctor, uh,
douche-bag,
face-to-face.
And we agreed one of us
would pay for the tree removal
and the other one
would waive the encroachment.
Wait, wait.
So the deal was back on?
- Soon as I can sign the papers.
- Which I have with me.
I think
I have the papers with me.
That is if Mike got them
off the lawn
when I was hog-tied.
Just hold on.
Hey, guys.
You should be in jail by now.
We should,
but unfortunately,
Pam is the only one
that was incarcerated.
Mike's worried
she might get disbarred.
We were hoping
if we cleaned up the mess,
you might drop the charges.
Why do you do this?
My dad is a saint
and he has enough to worry about
without all this bullshit.
Not that you'd care.
I care.
What's wrong?
What isn't?
My dad spends half his week
at hospitals
and I moved back home
and I quit my job and...
Whatever.
My mom has a bum thyroid.
Mine has skin cancer.
Mine's gone.
Two months ago.
I'm really sorry.
About everything.
Life.
So beautiful.
And so fleeting.
Hey!
You did this!
Yes, sir.
I did.
Me too.
And me!
Spartacus.
Sure.
Whatever.
Sorry, Dad.
We'll clean it up.
You all need to grow up.
- Your dad's nice.
- He's not wrong.
So, I guess I just start
cleaning up, or...
You know,
they should have a place
where adults can go and TP
and let off steam
without the fear
of their spouse being arrested.
I'd invest in that.
Really?
Well, why not?
They got adult coloring books,
those mature fidget spinners.
Couldn't be dumber
than that shit.
Let's do it.
All right.
Hey.
Hey, hey. I got it. I got it.
Listen, you know this.
I don't have the best luck with
people sticking
around in my life.
But you're still here.
And the thing that...
fucking scares me,
really, fucking scares me,
is that we give this a go
and you leave me too.
Well.
You better man-the-fuck-up.
Motherfucker.
All this papier toilette
and still so much mrde
in the world.
Dude, come on.
Oh, baby.
- I'm so sorry...
- Tell me you have my bags.
Of course I do.
Oh, this is Mike.
We spoke on the phone.
- Oh, you're...
- Real husband meet work husband.
This is Richard.
All right.
We have a deal to close.
Here's the last one.
I'd be lost without your wife.
Ditto, man. She's the best.
Get some rest, Pamela.
Call me, if there are
any last-second hiccups.
Pamela Young!
Holy shit.
Look at you.
You never cease to amaze me.
I...
I appreciate everything
that you do for us.
I'm so sorry that I hijacked
your birthday.
I'm sorry that I jumped
that fence before you.
- That will never happen again.
- Gosh, don't say sorry.
I finally got to TP a house.
And I still closed my deal.
Plus, your birthday
is coming up real soon, so.
You'd better watch your...
ass.
Nice pants, man.
Happy birthday!
What did I say about surprises?
- Look.
- Aw.
It should be about the Cubs.
Tell me
what the Socks have done lately.
- Michael.
- Oh. Hey, Coach.
- Where are your pants, son?
- Oh, uh...
Pam's birthday. Long story.
Uh, I've been meaning
to call you.
Don't know if you've heard,
I already told him
all that stuff.
Get on with it,
I've got a double-header.
Having trouble
finding a replacement.
I don't have
a teaching credential.
Fortunately, your services
aren't needed to teach Physics.
Oh, good. Yeah, I, uh,
the only reason I passed
was by copying Pam anyway.
Well, why don't you come by
and see me on Monday.
We'll talk about it.
- Yes, sir.
- And, uh, Mike,
wear some god damn pants.
I'm gonna ask the
principal to come by.
Pants. Check.
Oh, and, uh,
happy birthday, Pam.
Oh, thanks, Coach.
I'm sure I could still
get the kids to school.
You know practices are in the
afternoon, a few weekend games.
Mike.
Pam.
Michael.
Pamela.
I see you.
I appreciate you.
And I love you.
And if this is
what makes you happy,
then that's
what I want you to do.
So am I still
on sexy time restriction?
Upgraded to probation.
- I love you, Pam.
- I love you too.
Now, will you please,
for the love of God,
take me home.
Yes, ma'am.
Hi.
Hey, I'm thinking
about investing.
- Hmm.
- Assisted living,
I hear that's your thing.
Yeah, I mean, well.
- I'm a transactional attorney.
- Oh.
So, yeah.
Could you help me with that?
Sure.
- That'd be really great.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Sure.
Did you know?
Napoleon used to be six-seven.
He lost his kneecaps
in a ballroom dancing accident
when he was a...
when he was a teenager.
And they clashed him down
about three feet.
- Wow.
- So.
Did you that LSD
was originally invented
to treat alcoholism?
at that beautiful funeral.
I've never seen so many flower.
Yeah, he was a nice man too,
but never had any fun.
Didn't have time.
Just worked and made money.
He didn't even have time
to enjoy himself.
Poor man.
Fucking.
How fucking excited
are you right fucking now?
Whoa, Karen.
I am like physically
fucking shaking,
- I'm so fucking excited.
- Hey!
I'm like wetter than that time
I dragged you guys
to see Magic Mike in the IMAX.
Karen, you're on speaker phone
with the boys.
whoops? Your boys?
Hi, boys!
Don't be a potty mouth
like your aunty K, okay?
So, Pam figure out
this fiasco yet?
Nope. She's closing
a huge deal today,
only been home to shower
and sleep all week.
Good.
Because Doug bought
a case of Red Fire.
Isn't that the stuff
that makes you poop red?
Fortunately, I only go
once every other week.
- Like on purpose?
- Help me!
No, not on purpose.
Midlife hormones are a real drag
on digestion.
Like you know those concretes
from Dairy Queen?
Where you turn them upside down
and nothing comes out?
- It's like one of those.
- Oh.
So, how are you gonna get Pam
in that dress?
No clue. Any suggestions?
Well. Any bad decision
I ever made in my life
involved vodka,
so I would start there.
Oh, and Mike!
Do not forget to go
to the bakery
and pick up that cake.
Don't forget the cake.
Don't forget the cake.
Hey, you're kids
are screaming in there.
Settle down,
there's no dogs in there.
Have a lollipop.
We have been working
on this deal for months.
This call has taken
three and a half hours
on a Saturday.
Let's... get it done.
So what do you say, Larry?
For $1,600 we sign
on the dotted line right now.
I've got a better idea, Richard.
How about
you do down to the site,
pull down your Armani's,
and run one them willows
up your ass,
because that's exactly
what you're trying to do to me.
Guys.
Oh go fuck yourself, Larry.
Hang on a second here.
Let's all just take
a deep breath
and reconvene
in a couple of hours.
Yeah, we'll circle back
when you catch
a fucking clue, Richard.
Okay, great. Pam,
are you good with that?
Totally agree, let's, uh...
Let's circle back.
C... Circle back.
I'm so sorry.
I don't think
I'm gonna be able
to make the game today.
Nah, it's okay. It's t-ball.
The kids hardly know
they're making the game.
How are the boys? Can I say hi?
Yeah. Yeah, uh...
Gimme...
Yes.
How are my dudes?
Daddy left us in the car.
Okay, you're a funny boy.
Alright. Go, walk to the field.
- Here's your other.
- Hi. Hey, buddy.
Whatcha playing?
Worst mother ever.
He doesn't even
wanna talk to me. Look.
Look he's gonna dance
with an iPad on his wedding day.
Hey, babe.
Right now, it's like this.
Close the deal,
and then we'll slowly
reintroduce you to the kids.
Oh, thanks. That's so sweet.
Oh!
Almost done.
Either of you smoke?
Okay.
I'm just shooting corporate
an email.
See if we can get that quote
a little lower.
Balls.
We're good.
All right, here we go, 25.
Let's take it
for a ride, big boy.
Yes! Go! Go!
Whoo!
Take two! Take two!
Go, dude!
Now come three. Come three!
Get dirty!
Don't get dirty. Yeah!
Safe!
All right. So you feeling
a little better?
Okay, great.
I'm checking her cognitive
function, Costillo. It's fine.
How's she look?
Let's get that Gatorade.
- Come here.
- Yay, I've won a game.
Yeah. You've got a good game,
go, go, go.
Hi.
Chip off the old block.
Yeah, let's hope his arm
stays attached.
How in the heck did he get
bubblegum stuck inside his ear?
Oh! Look at that.
I used to watch
your daddy play here.
I probably saw
every game he played.
- Until he got drafted.
- What's drafted?
- That's a great question.
- What's drafted? Yeah.
Great game today, Charlie.
Sorry, we're just
in a bit of rush.
So did you hear?
Coach Miller is retiring.
- I didn't.
- Yeah. Search is on.
Maybe you could
throw your name in the hat?
Yeah, that's a big jump
from t-ball.
Hey, Levi!
I heard you're pitching today?
I, I am.
You got this, man.
Stay strong.
Good to see you, Charlie.
- Tell your dad hi.
- Will do.
- And call the coach!
- Yeah.
Kids, close your eyes.
Dad is not doing anything.
Close those eyes.
Dad is not texting.
Hey.
Happy birthday.
Yeah.
Called in a sitter
for this place?
Don't worry.
Don't worry. I got you.
Beautiful light.
Wow.
Ah, thank you so much. Wow.
- Good?
- Yep.
- All right. Deal closed?
- Uh, no.
You said the deal
was gonna be closed
on the first of the
month, It's the first
of the month. Yeah.
That was the plan.
Until two billionaires
with egos the
size of Mount
Kiliman-fucking-jaro
decided to put a pause
on a $46 million deal
over two trees
that were left off,
mistakenly, on the survey.
Choo-choo.
Thank you.
- How are the boys?
- Ah, well,
since the last time
you saw them. Let's see.
MacGuire started shaving
and the toddler
joined the Merchant Marines, so.
No, they're good. I read them,
bathed them, fed them.
Uh. Hey.
Sitter came early. Said we could
stay out as late as we want.
Haha, I wish.
I mean,
this deal is, like, next level.
My year-end bonus means
that we can finally put a dent
in paying off law school,
start the 529
for the kids' college.
I mean, the kids are, like,
eight years old combined.
We should've started
when they were born, Mike.
All right. Look, babe.
I don't understand
anything that you do,
but I get why you do it.
And, honey, I...
I see you, I believe in you.
and I...
Got to answer that text?
Sorry. I just...
don't get a whole lot of
real life adult interaction.
And yet, here we are,
in real life.
Two adults, interacting.
Listen. I was thinking.
When the deal closes,
which it will,
what if, you and I,
take a trip?
Just the two of us, no kids.
Couple days
on the Bourbon Trail.
That sounds...
Busy day?
They wanted to wish you
a happy birthday.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure they do.
Oh.
This is work.
Mmm-hm.
Okay. I, uh, I'm starving.
Please order me something.
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
- Okay. What would you like?
- Oh, God.
I can't make
another decision today. Um.
No chicken, no beef.
Uh, nothing too starchy.
No dairy.
Just veggies,
but not drowning in sauce.
Okay, so basically air,
medium-rare.
- You got me.
- Got it.
Where are you?
We're gonna order
when she gets back. Thank you.
Don't you dare eat.
My taco guy has been cooking
for, like, tres fucking das.
Karen, the deal didn't close.
She promised the deal
would be closed today,
and it didn't. She has to work
all night. We are fucked!
Oh, no, no, no, buddy.
This party has already set sail.
The only thing you need to do
is get her in that dress.
Well, how exactly do I do that?
I don't know, Mike.
Maybe convince her
it's something kinky.
Get here.
Richard, I peed
in my office for you. Okay?
I was on the phone
with you all day long,
I realized I never
wished you happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Now, that's said.
But while I have you, what if e
buy the seller's stock?
Wait.
Repaper on a Saturday?
Wait. You want me
to recreate 150 pages
so you can assume
the guy's debt?
Is that bad?
Yes, yes, it's very bad.
Okay, look. I'm gonna go eat.
I'll call you in an hour. Okay?
- I want to stop, but we...
- Okay, I'm hanging up now.
- Hey.
- Aw, thanks.
What are you doing?
I'd like to open my gift
with dessert,
- if you don't mind.
- Actually, I kind of do mind.
Well, I'm starving.
Please. It would really
mean a lot to me.
Okay.
Is that my prom dress?
Nope,
it's your homecoming dress.
Uh, I'm confused.
Well, your mom had to throw away
your prom dress
because of the slab lake.
You know it got moldy.
No, no, I'm confused
why you're giving
me my homecoming
dress on my birthday.
Oh, don't worry.
I got is resized.
Oh, cool. Thank for
clarifying that necessity.
And why? Why did we resize this?
Oh, because I think
you were the sexiest
homecoming queen I ever saw
and I wanna make love to you
tonight in it again.
Oh, okay. Wow.
I knew it.
You're having a mid-life crisis
I wouldn't exactly call it
a crisis, but come on.
Why don't you just
get in there and...
put it on.
Are you having a stroke?
What? No.
Pam.
Go back to the bathroom
and put on that dress.
No, you go to the bathroom
and put on the frickin' dress.
Come on, what's more fun
than a little role playing?
Oh, my God. If this is
some Fifty Shades thing,
you know, you know
that that is not my jam.
Uh.
Just the cheque, please.
I thought you ordered.
I'm starving.
Just the cheque. Thank you.
Mike.
What is happening?
You are freaking me out
right now.
All of our friends,
and I mean all of them,
are around the corner
at a banquet hall,
waiting for you
to arrive in this dress.
Karen and I,
under the impression
that your deal would
be done today, the today
you promised
it would be done by,
decided to throw you
a surprise '80s prom party.
I thought
it was just you and me tonight.
I specifically said,
please, whatever you do...
Pam, don't say it,
it's too late.
I just, I just wanna go home.
I wanna eat, go home,
make sexy time, and work.
Do you not
wanna make sexy time with me?
Of course
I wanna make sexy time with you.
After the party.
- Michael.
- Pamela.
- Mike.
- Pam.
- Can I at least get other shoes?
- We don't have time.
I look like I'm going to, like,
a pilgrim prom.
You look great.
Shut your pie holes!
They're here!
I got this!
Evening, folks.
Welcome to the Polish American
- Veteran Society.
- Thank you.
- Oh, God. What are you doing?
- All right. Okay.
What is happening?
Oh, looks like Tom Cruise
is ready to have a good time.
There we go.
Dam-din-de-de-de-de.
Surprise!
Happy motherfucking birthday!
Look at Pam!
Wow. What a surprise.
And what is this?
Bitch, I am finally
Jake Ryan's girlfriend.
Just cut it. Okay.
Say your shaloms
and then I'm dragging you
to the bathroom
to fix your face.
Not that there's anything
wrong with it. Much. Move!
Happy birthday.
Crockett and Tubbs.
- Very nice.
- This is Elvis.
Hi, Elvis. P-shhh.
- Hi, Travis.
- Hey, girlfriend.
Happy birthday.
- You did, bro.
- I did it.
Thank you.
Oh, my God,
you invited your parents.
You look lovely, dear.
I'm surprised this still fits.
Yeah, well, Mike had it resized.
Hey, who do we gotta
kill to get a chair around here?
I'll get you set up, Dad.
Oh, but wait. Okay. Oh!
Pam.
- Freddy, you look amazing.
- I know.
Happy birthday.
The bags really tie
that outfit together.
You look like a terrorist
at a nudist convention.
Thanks, Dad.
Ran into old Charlie
the other day.
Who's Charlie?
Blind bat still calling games?
He said
Coach Miller is retiring.
Told you.
Get a teaching credential.
Yeah, you did say that.
- I got you something.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Huh?
Behind this is an online code
for my bestselling seminar,
"Freddy or not,
you can be rich like me".
- Wow.
- You are welcome.
I will check this out.
I know.
You looking for work? We always
need help at the shop.
I got a job, Dad. Taking care
of your grandchildren.
- Remember?
- Of course.
I meant one for money.
You know, most people think
Nirvana was a '90s band,
but they actually
made Bleach in '89.
- Oh.
- Personally, I'm more
into their earlier
sub-pop type tunes.
Save it, Wheat Thin,
we're boozin'.
Come on.
Hi.
I'm I'm Pam Young.
Shannon.
Shannon Klissanon?
I... Of course.
Of course. It's,
it's so lovely to see you.
Rowdy.
Excuse me.
- Hi, Pam.
- Hi.
I haven't seen you since, uh...
Uh, you know, the um...
High School.
Yes. Yes.
I haven't seen you
since High School.
How are you?
I'm great.
You look... great.
Actually, I'm...
I'm doing really great.
That's good.
Michael, Michael, motorcycle.
Serious tactical error
inviting that guy.
Not sure I actually did.
You know
he was a Chippendale's dancer?
And he dove
with Jacques Cousteau.
Apparently
he likes to wear speedos.
I recently
self-published my 11th novel.
Twelfth. If you count
the anthology
of Gothic Poetry I edited.
Awesome.
Will you excuse me
for one second?
All right, deadbeats.
Move it upstairs!
Who is that?
You went to Kindergarten
through 12th Grade with her.
I did?
She must look different.
No, she looked pretty bow-house
back then, too.
- I can confirm that.
- Oh.
- What's up, bitch?
- 'Sup, whore?
Did you have anything to do
with planning this nightmare?
Um, my loathing for you
runs deep, big sis,
but not deep enough
to throw you a surprise party.
Thank you for dressing up.
What? And overshadow
your lameness
on your special night?
I would never.
Madame D'coy.
Pamela.
So good to see you.
I was flattered
when Michael reached out to me
on the book of the face.
I could not say no.
I never say no.
My mother, she is dying
a slow, horrible death.
The bile of impermanence
consuming her.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
How do we know
we are really alive
until we are pinned
under the razor sharp boot
of suffering.
But tonight, we make party.
O... kay.
Step away
from the birthday girl.
We'll be back.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
Where'd you get this?
A souvenir
from my stint on Timber.
Do you mean Tinder?
No, it's like Tinder,
but for big and tall people.
You're five-three.
Yes,
and you have to be this tall
to ride this ride.
Okay.
So, who's bright idea was this?
Mike, of course.
He's been planning it
for months.
In his defense. He thought
your deal would close today.
Well, the day is not over yet.
I think he was eager to have
your undivided attention
for the night.
Sorry.
So Madame D'coy is here.
I still can't believe
Travis brought
his French teacher to prom.
Me neither.
The shit you could
get away with back then.
I know.
She would be guaranteed
five to ten
for sophomore shtupping
these days.
So, since his divorce,
have you guys... you know?
Travis and me?
Yeah.
I thought you always wanted to.
What? What!
No?
- No!
- Okay.
I mean, years ago.
Hey. Oh.
Hey, you.
Where've you been hiding?
Who ordered the fucking ceviche?
Coz my insides just went out.
I have some ginger mints
in my purse.
Like candy is gonna cure
20 years
of irritable bowel syndrome.
Listen. I'm going to keep this
on reserve all night.
Good luck with Travis.
I mean, can you blame
her bowels?
She didn't even wash her hands.
Close your mouth.
- Fucking nailed it.
- Yeah, it's...
Yeah.
Yes.
Michael.
What do you think?
You know what, I don't care
what your friends say about you,
I think you're pretty great.
Sergeant Sylvester, is it?
Folks around here call me Sarge.
Sarge.
Listen, so what if at midnight
this party is still, you know,
popping off?
Toots.
I was gay before FDR
was on the dime.
Work your magic
on a straight sucker.
You got till midnight!
Have no fear, friends,
the doctor is here
to guide you on this journey
back to your youth,
when the pants were pegged,
the Swatch
was the timepiece of choice
and the only page
you had to like
was your favorite band
on the cover
of your trapper keeper.
Now, if you're wondering
why I'm still anchored
to this festering cauldron
of piping hot tripe water,
called the '80s, let's just say
I'm attempting to live up
to certain
financial responsibilities
to two ex-wives and the IRS
that I accrued
during a 16-year ride
on the white line to oblivion.
Basically, I need the scratch.
But enough about me.
Let us now set sail
for those halcyon days
when everybody
wanted to rule the world.
Fuck me.
Punks.
Nerds.
Who are these people?
I told Mike to make
the Facebook invite private.
Wait, this is a public event
on Facebook?
- What is the difference?
- I don't know,
117 strangers
at my birthday party.
- Plus, I'm not even on Facebook.
- These aren't strangers.
We went to Hight School
with these people. I think.
Okay, so is this
a birthday party
or a reunion?
Just for clarification.
- Hi, Janie.
- Doug.
Hello.
- Never gonna happen, Doug.
- Oh.
A boy can dream, can't he?
As long as that dream
includes mouthwash
and ample personal space.
Oh!
Thank you.
Ooh. Sick burn.
What's up with the book ends?
No need to whisper, my friend.
They don't speak English.
None?
None. Watch this.
Bananas.
Nothing.
So, are you, uh,
teaching French?
No, I retired after the 2KY.
You mean, Y2K?
It was a bust, I know.
My partner at the time,
he was, how do you say?
Two polar.
- It's bipolar.
- Yes.
Very confused.
He convinced me
to move into the woods.
We lived off the land
and had our own fecal compost
for three years.
Until he contracted
Lyme Disease.
Where'd you find them?
They showed up
at my seminar in Prague.
They're marginally famous
contortionists,
but they're looking
to grow their portfolio
of appreciating assets.
Just like the rest of us.
So, they tie themselves
in knots?
They can work themselves
into any sort of kink.
I bet they can.
You know, um...
You're the only teacher to ever
give me a C in High School.
Did you deserve it?
I mean...
I didn't think so at the time.
I drank a lot then.
I was eager to feel something.
Your disappointment fed me.
Kept me alive.
- Mike. Long time.
- Yeah.
How are you?
I'm good. I'm good.
Hey, whatever happened
to baseball?
- I thought I'd seen you on TV.
- Yep. That was the plan.
Then I tore my UCL
right up the ball
and frayed my shoulder.
- Did a little triple A...
- Bummer, That's a bummer
- ...got a little TV time.
- But Hey.
It's a kids' game anyway, right?
All right.
Dick.
Boo.
Oh. Hi.
You know, I was just thinking
about that Algebra II.
Trig? The final we stayed up
all night for?
Oh. We had Algebra II together?
Yeah.
Yeah. You and your dog.
What was his name?
Sting?
- You remember my dog?
- Of course.
He ate all our pizza.
Threw it up
all over your pillow.
Okay?
Wow.
You have, like, a complete...
memory, filled with so much.
I had to, um...
defrag the old hard drives
for the bar exam.
You know.
So that's probably why...
University of Chicago.
Oh!
- You went there too.
- No.
Oh.
That's where you studied law.
I... I did.
How did you...
I've kept tabs on you.
You know, since...
that night.
Okay.
It was so good seeing you.
Okay.
Love you too.
...years ago.
Michael, hi, hi.
- Hey.
- Can I, uh,
- talk to you for a second?
- Sure.
- Like, anywhere but here.
- Oh.
Hey, let's do this real quick.
Come on. Let's take a picture.
It'll be so fun.
Here, turn around.
Push out your belly.
We're gonna do pregnant prom.
My only A is in Wood Shop,
and I'm gonna be a dad!
Jeez,
You're really committed to this.
Come on, isn't this fun?
Actually, no, I'm on verge
of like a panic attack.
- What? Why?
- I'm pretty sure that the uh...
the woman over there that
looks like Sally Scissorhands...
Shannon Klissanon?
Yeah uh, I'm pretty
sure she's the stalker
I never knew I had.
I'm sure she's just excited
to reconnect.
By reconnect you mean go full
Single White Female on me
before I've even cut the cake?
Oh! Fuck! Fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!
What?
I forgot the cake.
- I'm so sorry.
- Ah, dude.
- Dammit.
- All I wanted was cake.
I thought all you wanted
was sexy time?
Don't make me choose Michael.
You're not going
to like the answer.
Look, I, uh...
I so appreciate
what you've done here.
I can tell that
you went to a ton of trouble.
And I'm so grateful, but...
man, if you didn't forget
what a drag High School was.
I don't understand.
How was it a drag, exactly?
Okay. A.
We were a bunch
of shallow dicks in High School.
And B. Dressing up
in our shallow dick uniforms
is just gonna
remind people of C,
go back to A. We were
a bunch of shallow dicks.
But we were teenagers.
Nobody gives a shit anymore.
I'm guessing a few
of these people
hold some serious resentments.
No joke. It's only human nature.
You are wrong.
Check this out, okay?
The ham-burglar.
Okay, Trudy, fine. Sorry.
I wouldn't be caught dead
with her in High School
now we play Farm Town together.
Okay? She's got a cat
name Sylvester.
Nickname is Sly.
Okay. It sits upright
on the couch
and looks like human being.
She walks it with a leash.
How cool and weird is that?
- Oh, thank you.
- Sure thing.
All right?
Everyone is happy. Okay?
Here to celebrate you.
This is cool.
Okay.
Hey, dark shades. Dark shades.
Dark shades.
Hey, can you play the song?
You know, the one, um,
the one with, like,
the quiet guitar and the...
Boom-boom. The drums.
- Good one.
- No, really. Hey.
It's the song with the,
with the really quiet guitar.
It's ring-ling-ling-ling
and then the ding-ding-ding,
boom-boom-boom, the drums.
- Who's it by?
- Oh.
The guy.
The guy that plays the drums
that goes boom. The...
- Phil Collins?
- No!
Fuck! Damn.
It's... the guy that plays the...
It's the song...
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you Google it?
Hush-hush. Bye-bye.
Wow. More like
Doctor Throws Shade.
Did you just shower me
with imaginary jizz?
No. No.
You're getting pretty brave
as you run away.
Ah, that's my jam.
You know that guy's got,
like, two million followers.
Yeah, but they're all
Russian bots like those two.
How do I get verified?
No one knows.
Verify me.
Yo, Michael! Whoop-whoop!
Oh, no.
Hey. Walk with me to get smokes.
Someone took my pants.
Oh. Do you need pants
to go buy smokes?
Don't know. Never smoked.
Oh, fuck it.
Dude, this party,
honestly, is a complete
and total fucking disaster.
What are you talking about?
- This party is epic.
- If it isn't your birthday.
Listen.
Let the Red Fire kick in,
- Pam will come around.
- I don't know.
Richard, I know this isn't
how you wanted the day to end.
I get it.
I'm telling you,
torching the deal at this point
is so stupid. Just talk to him.
You're at the same
charity event.
Just walk on over.
I can't talk
to this guy. Fuck no.
Don't burn this thing
to the ground
over ego. Okay? Bye.
- Hi.
- Hi. Boy,
sounds like a three-alarm.
Didn't know you were
a firefighter.
Oh, no. Just a lawyer.
Oof.
Sorry.
It's okay. So, lemme guess,
you climbed Everest
before the age of 25?
Married the fit Peruvian
shaman lady
who guided you to Machu Picchu.
Sailed around the globe
on a solar-powered boat.
Let me down easy.
What've you been up to
- the past 20 years?
- No, no, uh...
Well, actually, no, I did go
on a cruise to Alaska.
With my ex-wife and our son.
But that was before
she married Claire.
My orthodontist partner.
You're an orthodontist? Huh.
Really? Uh, I thought
the more titillating part
of that story would be my wife
leaving me for another woman.
You always knew
how to surprise...
Oh. Hold on, sorry.
Twenty-four hour attorney, huh?
Must pay well.
Don't be fooled by my, uh,
formal attire.
I work out million dollar deals
for my clients all day
and then go home
and try to figure out
if my cheque has deposited
before my cable autopay
has gone through.
And things like that.
Wow.
- Can I help you?
- A pack of lights
and tin of Wintergreen?
I told Pam I'd quit.
- Did you?
- Not really.
Don't you remember
health class, Doug?
"Tobacco stunts your growth."
Wait.
- Phyllis. Phyllis Okano.
- Yeah.
- Four-eyed Phyllis!
- Oh, he said it.
Okay.
Hey. What happened
to the other two?
Oh. Total eye replacement.
I grow clones in my basement.
- LOL.
- Yeah.
You look great.
Oh, thank you. So do you.
That is a lie.
I look like High School me
went into anaphylactic shock.
Oh.
True, but...
What happened to your pants?
We're having a big
High School reunion
- over at the banquet hall.
- No, it's, uh, Pam's birthday.
But your welcome to stop by
after your shift is over.
Oh, I'm stuck here
until midnight,
but wish Pam
happy birthday from me?
- I will. I will.
- Thanks.
- Uh, hey, Doug?
- Yeah.
- Can I ask you a weird question?
- Absolutely. What's up?
Did you toilet paper
my parents' house?
What!
It happened a lot in High School
and over the last years
it started up again,
so my dad installed a camera.
Smart.
I ask because he showed it to me
and the guy on there
looks a lot like you.
That's weird.
You know I don't live there
anymore, right?
Not since college.
Yeah.
Of course. Totally.
I know you don't live
with your parents.
You're an adult
and you moved somewhere else.
I don't live with my parents.
Oh, I live with my mom now.
Well see, coz my condo,
it went under in a sinkhole.
- In the ground.
- A literal sinkhole?
Okay. All right.
It's great seeing you.
Yeah, it's great.
Oh, you look great.
Okay. Thank you. So do you.
- Dude, she's onto us.
- Us?
I haven't toilet papered
her house since...
Dave Grohl was a drummer.
Man.
We were such dicks.
That's what Pam just said to me.
I don't...
Do you really think so?
Yeah, buddy, pfft, mega dicks.
Well, she seems
to think you are, uh,
still doing it. The papering.
No, what she said
is a guy that looks like me
- is still doing it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
- Look.
Uh-oh.
Go, Dougie!
Oh!
So close.
Almost nailed the landing.
Hey, hey. Hey, buddy.
- Grammy?
- No, no, no. Just me, Trav.
Okay. It's all right.
Just breathe now.
You're gonna be okay.
No, no, no. Don't get up, Doug.
Doug, Doug. Stay down.
Oh, shit.
I think I lost my tooth.
It's gonna be all right.
We'll get you a new tooth.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
You know that stuff's
good for inflammation?
Turmeric's a power spice.
Huh.
- Pam!
- Hi.
Guess who we ran into?
- Who?
- Four-eyed Phyllis.
Oh, that poor girl.
Why? What happened?
Nothing. Only that we spent
half of our youth
defacing her home
with Charmin's single ply.
Really, it just came down
to geography.
- Exactly.
- It's like her house
is a trading post
on the trail of beers.
Between High School
and Doug's mom's.
Pam, you remember this?
Yeah. Of course.
Running from the police.
Travis puking
under the neighbor's topiary.
Just say shrubs.
Yeah, totally remember. So fun.
You know what?
I'm gonna give a toast.
All right, let's get some shots
lined up, Maverick.
All right.
Everyone, come on... Trudy.
Shannon. Toast, shots.
Phil Collins.
Um, all right, guys.
So, it's... Thank you.
It's recently been
brought to my attention
that I... we all,
I may have been a dick
back in High School.
Which apparently I blocked out.
If that is true,
if I wronged you in any way,
from the bottom of my heart,
I apologize.
Now that I'm not a
popular jerk anymore.
I hope
that I can make it up to you
now that we're adults
and we have mortgages
and hemorrhoids.
Uh, look.
A lot has changed
since High School.
But one thing
has stayed the same.
My love for this woman,
right here.
Pam.
You did it for me then.
You do it for me now.
I love you.
Happy birthday.
- Aw, thank you.
- Cheers.
- Cheers everyone.
- Cheers!
My therapist and I
have talked a lot
about that evening.
- Okay.
- She says
it shaped my character.
Okay.
That even though...
we're born how we are,
there are often incidents
that introduce us
to our true nature.
And that was likely one of them.
I don't know if you read
my sixth self-published book?
No.
Why not?
I was able to relive
some of the more
intimate moments
from that long
President's weekend.
You know.
Fictionally, of course.
Um.
Say it.
She...
she's smelling me.
What's up, Shannon?
Hi...
You ever feel
like one of those things?
What things?
Those things. The urinal loaf.
I think it's...
I think it's called a cake.
It's a urinal cake.
Ever feel like one of those?
You know, just...
a huge target on your back.
So big, you can't miss
even when you're drunk.
People just love shooting
their hard stream of hot piss
right up your ass?
Like it's a game?
You ever feel like that?
- All the time.
- Constantly, yeah.
You guys are all right.
Let me give you my card.
What the...
Well, look at that.
That's gotta be 20 years old.
Here you go.
DJ Shades.
DJ Shades.
See you guys after, right?
No, Dougie. That's so gross.
Don't reach into... Ew!
It's sealed.
Come on there's gotta
be an expiration date
on that shit. Let's go.
No, Dougie. No, Dougie!
Okay, okay. Wait. Maybe.
Maybe it's like wine,
it gets better with age.
Who would know?
Karen.
Boys?
- In here.
- Sweet.
- Come on. Go, go, go, go.
- Okay, okay.
Let me see the stuff? Ooh.
How old is it?
Ah, possibly decades.
That color is concerning.
What is the worst
that could happen?
Sinusoid polyps, paralysis,
early onset death.
So, kind of hard to say.
Do I need to write
up a detention?
What are you three up to?
Nothing, Madame D'coy.
Actually, the boys reclaimed
some vintage cocaine
and we're trying to decide
if it's safe to ingest.
- Hand it over Douglas
- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, my.
- Madame D'coy, you okay?
Been a long time, Travis.
- No, I'm a state employee now.
- I said.
Hmm-mm.
What do you say
we flee this bordel, you and I?
- Uh, I'm Doug's ride.
- I can Uber.
- Um, take me home, Trav.
- You know,
they say the inside of a nostril
has more pleasure receptors
than the vagina.
Okay, I'm gonna go see
if the caterers are restocking
the kale Caesar.
I'm gonna help her with that.
Hmm.
Whoa!
Thought you were just
really excited to see me.
Sorry.
That's cool.
Your phone screen
is lighting up your cleavage.
God's pocket.
It's smaller than that.
This next song reminds me
of an evening I spent
with Paul Westerberg
at the Hilton in Austin.
Lasted four days.
Let's make some twirls.
Here we go.
Then you get in tight and I go.
Hey.
- Hey, man. What's up?
- You tell me.
Not much. Getting a drink.
Need anything?
For you to stop
molesting my friend out there.
Oh.
Are you guys together?
What? Uh...
No.
Oh, all right.
Look man I'm here with those two
Yugoslavian pretzels, all right?
This? This is just dancing.
Oh, it's just dancing.
Okay. You zoot suit-wearing
motherfucker.
The zoot suit?
I guess we all don't get
to wear steel-toed shoes
to work every day.
What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?
Times change, Trevo.
See, you were the shit
in High School.
In fact, you took a shit
on the hood of my Oldsmobile.
Yeah, coz you called it the, uh,
- Shitmobile.
- Yeah.
That was funny, yeah.
You know what wasn't funny?
My dad saved up for six months
to surprise me with that.
I didn't want to go home
to show him it.
So, instead,
I stood in that parking lot
and I cleaned it
in front of everybody.
Yeah.
You were the shit, man.
But today,
today you couldn't take a shit
on all the cars I own.
Even if I gave you
a month to do it.
Unless you have cholera,
or something.
- Fuck you.
- Travis.
- Stop it.
- No, it's okay.
Karma's a bitch, bro.
- You wanna dance?
- I just did!
With your girl.
Whoa! Hey!
That's 12 years of jiu-jitsu,
you dumb bitch.
Kick his ass, Trav!
All right, sailors,
that's enough.
Mike? Where's Mike?
I want a prom king recount,
right now, motherfucker.
Whoo! Let's go.
I get a hazard bonus
for fights, FYI.
- Check the contract.
- Michael.
Uh, we're gonna leave.
Oh, really? Already?
Figured the main event would
last more than two rounds.
Not sure I got my money's worth.
Okay, I'll walk you to the door.
- Fuck that guy.
- Yeah, fuck that guy.
- I was about to fuck him up.
- Yeah, you were.
If he hadn't thrown you
to the ground and pinned you,
completely immobilizing
your arms, legs, and body,
you'd have totally
fucked him up.
- My heart's really pounding.
- That's normal.
You think it's from the fight
or from the cocaine?
Yes.
Good job, son.
- Lovely party.
- Glad someone had a good time.
Not us, but someone.
You okay, Pops?
Wouldn't be here if I weren't.
- Goodnight, dear.
- Night, Momma.
You should apply for that job.
- Think so?
- What job?
What the hell?
All they can tell you, is no.
What job?
This evening is testing
my true faith in humanity.
Oh, seriously, who farted?
Uh, that would be me.
Uh, deviled eggs
don't eat themselves.
All right, you kiddies
get outta here.
- Send Pam in.
- All right.
She's not out here, bro.
Where'd she go?
Hey! We should do one shirtless.
Fuck it, let's do it.
Hey. Enough
with the '80s already.
- Ain't that the truth.
- It's time to move on.
- Am I right?
- Yes.
High five.
Give me the keys, mayor.
All right. All yours.
Jeez.
Moving on, fuckbags.
Hey, man. Have you seen my wife?
- Your wife?
- Yeah.
You know the Hebrew word
for wife is "eesha".
Which literally means
"my woman".
"Eesh" being the word for "man".
Appreciate your help.
Fuck me.
- It's not what you think.
- No?
Uh...
Pretty sure
it's exactly what I think.
I just... I needed a quiet place
to send a quick email.
Quick email? This is a war room.
You have a problem, Pam.
No, that's... that's not true.
I think I've been in denial
this whole time.
There's no going back from this.
You're a deal junkie.
That's... that's not fair.
I don't think
you're in a position
to rule on what's fair.
Councilor.
Good luck with your deal.
Mike. Wait.
I do it for you. I do it
for the kids. I do it for us.
Bounce! Bounce!
Bounce! Bounce!
- Find the missus?
- I did.
Where is she?
Faxing her boyfriend
in the janitor's closet.
Hoo. That sounds hot.
Thanks for the support.
- Madame.
- You've lost your shirt.
Oh, yeah. I guess I have.
"There's scarcely any passion
without struggle."
What's that?
Albert Camus.
Friend of yours?
No, just a hero
who has the courage
to drive himself into a tree.
Cool.
You know, the surprise
is supposed to be
your guests hiding from you,
not you hiding from you guests?
What's the matter?
I'm just...
so fucking exhausted.
This is they part
they don't tell you
about being an adult.
It's just so fucking tiring.
You okay?
Will you help me pack?
Yes, I'll help you pack.
Is that a fax machine?
Yeah.
You're a psycho.
Oh, Travis!
We're so primal!
I want to rip off your face
like a praying mantis.
Okay. Shut up. Shut up.
You can't silence my passions!
They will not be squelched.
- I shower you. I shower you.
- What is...
- Stop that! Stop that!
- My passion.
- Shower you.
- What is wrong with you, lady?
Come on.
Gentlemen.
I think your girl
has gone rogue.
Karen! Karen!
Karen!
Karen!
Why don't you come down here
and call me
Hamburglar to my face?
And for the record?
I was a hipster before we were
ever even called that.
You just invited us to
make fun of us
on your text chain.
Like you did when we were kids.
We didn't even have texts
back then,
Elvira.
We would draw pictures of you
and pass it around
on folded-up notes.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Did you just come out of the...
Ooh, my bad. I gotta go find...
Do you have a cigar?
Um, sorry, I don't smoke.
Ah. A delusional life extender.
Your kind disgusts me.
Get out of here.
- Thank you.
- You okay?
- Yeah. Thank you.
- All right.
You guys are the same
cliquey assholes
you were in High School.
Except with a net worth
that's a fraction of mine.
And most of that is Pam's.
Pam, good job. I'm a fan.
Thank you.
What the fuck is that?
- What the fuck is what?
- All over your face?
You smell like Mike and Ikes.
Oh. Uh.
Seriously?
What?
Again with Professor McGonagall?
- What do you care?
- That's a...
great, fucking question.
Yeah. Well, bon-fucking-jour.
- Bon, dear, bon.
- Get outta here.
Right. That's enough!
You folks are worse
than a shipload of sailors
on a one-night pass.
You ought to get out more often.
And by get out, I mean
some place other than here.
We haven't had cake yet.
Enough with the fucking cake,
already, Dougie.
Anything you leave
can be claimed
on the street in the morning.
Savages!
Jesus Christ.
I can't believe
I skipped Animal Planet
for this horseshit.
Who wants to get a real drink?
I own a bar downtown.
I've never been there,
but it gets good profit.
- You had me at "your own bar".
- All right.
Oh, Michael?
I knew you wouldn't be
much of an opponent,
but I just felt bad for you.
Sitting at home
with your kids all day,
posting all those
mopey pictures.
I thought this might
cheer you up, but, um,
if you can't figure out a way to
wrangle a few digital
sheep into a pen,
then maybe you shouldn't
be playing this game at all.
So, I guess I'm gonna be
heading out with those guys. So.
Hey, you guys wanna get an Uber
to my mom's house?
Sure.
I'll get my own. Thanks.
At this rate I'll probably
sober up in time
to take my 7 a.m.
power yoga class.
- Are you kidding me right now?
- What?
You're just gonna take the loss,
call it a night?
I tried to pay off
the old sea hag,
but he's not letting
us back in there.
I don't mean
to go back in there.
That's where you guys
wanted to spend my birthday.
Did it ever
occur to you to wonder
what I would wanna do
on my birthday?
Where do you wanna go tonight?
I don't know. Just something
where I'm the decider.
Maybe you're never the decider
because you don't know
what you wanna do.
Shut up, Doug. I'm thinking.
Oh.
Fine.
I know what I wanna do.
- Then call it.
- I wanna go toilet papering.
Ah, four-eyed Phyllis?
You know she only
has two eyes now.
I don't...
I don't care is she's blind
or not blind,
I wanna do that shit up.
- Savage.
- Her dad...
just installed
a surveillance camera.
It's easily disabled.
From what I have read
on the internet.
Are you serious, Councilor?
Serious as a cease-and-desist.
I don't think it's a good idea.
You never took me along
to vandalize
that poor girl's house.
Not once.
Oh, my God. Did we hurt
your feeling?
Dude, I spent my entire youth
wishing I could hang out
with you guys.
And this is what I was missing?
Yeah.
What's it to you?
Where are you going?
I'm going downtown
to get a drink.
Hey. Do you want
me to come with you?
No.
You take my sister
toilet papering.
But you almost did it, Doug.
I'm proud of you.
If I was
just a little bit drunker
and you still
had all your teeth,
you could've made this work out.
Progress was made, big buddy.
Progress was made.
Phyllis go home?
She did.
Are you the guy
that toilet papers
her folks' house?
She said he came in tonight.
No.
I'm just a very diligent wiper.
Looks like you're ready
for business, then.
Yes.
Hey, Mr. Whipple, car's here,
let's go.
Well, we all
have our special gifts.
- I saw you eat a piece of pizza.
- It was delicious.
Hey, my man,
you mind killing these lights?
Dude turn off the lights.
I think he's concerned
he's Ubering us
on a drive-by.
- Stop!
- What!
- That's it.
- What's it?
That's the song
I've been requesting all night.
Dude, this song is from 2006.
Yeah, Dougie, you know this is
the song that band was playing
when you stage-dived
and broke your clavicle.
Oh. At the Osteoporosis Benefit.
No wonder he didn't know
what I was talking about.
It's go-time, people.
Don't worry, I got you, Boo.
Four stars.
You lose one because of
that Funyun smell in here.
Guys,
are we really feeling this?
I'm kinda tired
and the babysitter
just hit triple digits.
- Don't be a pussy, Mike.
- Whoa. A pussy? Okay.
Three hours ago you called me
a dick, now I'm a pussy.
Who's the dick now, Captain TP?
Okay, ever since text-a-palooza
happened, over here
- it's become a fluid situation.
- Ouch.
- Give me one of those.
- I got you, babe.
Thank you. It's. You know,
tomorrow's a new day. Okay?
What is happening?
I like 40-year old Pam.
She's a badass.
I'm going in.
Oh. Leroy Jenkins!
What can I get you,
mademoiselle?
Do you know what happened
to the last man
who said that to me?
Oh, you smothered him
with your furious passion,
but denied him the honey
of your fruits,
causing him
to wither into a husk
of eternal longing
and desperation?
How did you know?
I'm not a chimp.
Hey, isn't that Pam's sister?
Well, I'll be Steven
Patrick Morrissey, it is.
Your sister's
a real piece of work.
Yeah, she is.
She stupidly
married into a fraternity,
but she works harder
than all of us,
and she still has time
to raise two rad kids.
Yeah, well, complicity
is culpability.
She's not the only lawyer
up in here.
Pam didn't remember
the defining night
of my adolescence.
Sleeping
in your dark living room.
Crawling into my sleeping bag.
Caressing cabbage patches
in the dark.
What are you talking about?
That wasn't Pam, that was me.
- No.
- Yeah.
It wasn't...
- Yeah.
- Wait.
What?
Remember, Sting threw up
on a pillow,
we had to share one
and you were wearing those
Thundercat underoos.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
You were, like, the first
edgy girl I'd ever seen.
So mysterious.
Smoking those cloves.
In your short skirts
and those Doc Martens.
I even hooked up with a girl
freshmen year
in my dorms who looked like you.
- You don't say.
- True story.
You know Klaus Martens
was a doctor in World War II?
Broke his ankle
skiing in the Bavarian Alps.
And found that the standard
wehrmacht boots
were too painful,
so he invented his own.
Okay. Thanks for the update,
Anne Frank.
So, where's
the royal court tonight?
Smashing mailboxes,
tipping cows?
Close.
A toilet papering mission.
Did you say toilet papering?
That pot-bellied motherfucker!
I thought she was asleep
the whole time.
- All right.
- Hey.
Bro.
Go take it, big boy.
Go, take it.
Yes! Yes, yes...
That's it.
Yeah, sweetheart. Good one.
Here we go.
- Gotcha!
- Get out of the way.
Nice.
Time to bring in the closer.
Still got it.
- It's beautiful.
- It really is.
What if I was meant to do this?
TP homes?
I'm serious, dude.
What if I was meant to do this?
I'm decidedly mediocre
at everything.
I always have been.
I mean, Pam's a super lawyer.
Karen can design
a store-front window
that nobody can ignore.
Mikey can throw a baseball
100 miles an hour.
Jesus, what can't you do?
Resist 65-year old poutine,
evidently.
I mean, what if I was put
on God's green earth
to do this?
If you put it as your profession
on your Schedule C,
you could probably
write off the toilet paper.
Oh, shit.
Cops.
- Quickly, quickly.
- Save these.
- Let's go.
- Come on, come on.
- Come on. Follow me.
- My bag!
Follow me.
Guys?
Guys?
Come on, sweetheart.
Fast as you can.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Come on, give me your hand.
Grab one.
What are you doing?
These bags are our life, are you
kidding me I can't leave them.
Leave the bag,
please, I beg you.
Bag two.
- Okay.
- Dammit. Give me your hand.
- Okay. Good. Pull, pull, pull.
- Ow! I got a splinter.
Sweetheart.
I feel like I have a
tweezer in my bag.
Put your hands up
and walk slowly out to the tre.
Give it, give it.
Come on!
- Get your foot up there.
- Oh. Oh. Ow.
- Ma'am.
- Handcuffs? Come on.
Ma'am, calm down.
- Pam!
- Ow. Ow.
- Watch the phone.
- I've got my own.
Let's go, ladies. Come on.
Excuse me, I am an attorney.
- Okay?
- Oh, good.
Then you can represent yourself.
Fuck.
- Fuck.
- The rest ran away.
Where's Pam?
The cops got her.
Dude you saved
the crocodile and not your wife?
Dude, she could be disbarred
for this.
Why didn't you just
let them take you?
It's not like you got a job.
I didn't think of that.
She's gonna be so pissed.
We can't leave her in jail.
She's too pretty and kind.
Yeah, and her kids
will be orphans.
Financially speaking.
All right.
Let's go down to the station,
tell them the whole story,
and we'll offer ourselves
in exchange.
They'll let her out, right?
I don't think
cops barter, buddy.
But if that's what you wanna do,
I'm down for whatever.
- Clearly, mon ami.
- Come on.
It's not mine. Mine's a duck.
- Hello?
- Hey Pam?
Um, no, this is her husband.
The one who hasn't seen her
in three weeks.
Because you're too pussy
to cut down a couple of trees.
Clearly you don't know who I a.
I know exactly who you are.
You are the prick who can't tie
his own fucking shoelaces
without calling my wife
in the middle of the night.
Why don't you just put Pam on?
I would love
to put her on the phone,
but the cops
just took her to jail.
Because she is so stressed,
holding your tiny,
little hands, Richard,
to support our family,
that she took it out
on four-eyed Phyllis.
Who has her own house now
and doesn't even have
four eyes anymore!
Oh, shit.
- Okay, now I'm in trouble.
- That was bad.
Guys?
Stop. Stop.
Oh, shit.
Where are you folks headed?
- Like I'm telling you, copper.
- Shut the fuck up, Dougie.
We're headed down
to the station.
I think
you just arrested my wife.
I figured you were the fools
that threw a surprise party
before her deal was closed.
She said that to you?
Yeah, she did.
The pressure gets to people,
man. Sometimes they pop.
Well, I was hoping that...
you would take me instead.
Can we do an exchange?
It doesn't work like that,
Tom Cruise.
Travis?
Hey.
How'd you end up
with these idiots?
Uh, are you kidding?
He's the chief idiot.
Not now.
Is there anything I can do?
Other than lose your job
with good benefits
because you
and your friends decided
to relive
your juvenile delinquency?
Come on, Castillo.
We're the assholes
who did the toilet papering.
Pam wasn't supposed to be there.
It's not recommended
for civilians.
- Dude.
- Hey, get it cleaned up.
I'll convince them
not to press charges.
You? Get in the car, Maverick.
Really? Oh, thank you.
We'll take care of the yard.
Go get your woman.
- Good luck, Mike.
- Let's go pick up
the toilet paper.
Love you, Mike.
You're a life saver,
thank you so much.
No.
Hey, K. I'm sorry.
Hey. Come on. Karen.
I know I fucked up.
I'm sorry.
Of course you fucked up.
You always fuck up.
Especially when it seems
we're on the verge of thinking
that whatever this mess of
lip blisters and broken dreams
has been for the last 30 years,
is finally coming
to fucking fruition.
Hold on. You never once told me
how you really felt,
- so how am I...
- No, no, no.
You don't get
to play dumb anymore.
You fucking sabotage
this every chance you get.
- That's not true.
- You know,
I have always wondered
why I'm not good enough for you.
When the real
fucking question is
why I ever thought
you were good enough for me.
Doug!
Give me the damn skippy.
Richard?
They wouldn't let me
buy your way out.
So, I'm on my way in.
You... you paid to get in here?
Actually,
I think the term they used
was attempting to bribe
an officer of the law, but...
I assured them my attorney
would prove my innocence.
Oh, I can't even go to jail
without you bothering me.
Your husband has
made it abundantly clear
that I have boundary issues.
Wait. You spoke to Mike?
He gave me a piece of his mind
about how I've been abusing you.
He's protective.
Seems unstable.
Well you would be unstable too
if you had to take care
of two kids,
do all the laundry,
and the cooking,
and just hear nothing
but complaints
from your unappreciative wife
for throwing her
a lovely surprise party.
All because she has
a very stubborn client
who won't just pay to remove
a couple of willow trees
from an easement.
I have been a pain in the ass.
Because I let you.
I am a deal junkie.
If it helps,
I did what you told me to do.
Oh, boy.
I talked to doctor, uh,
douche-bag,
face-to-face.
And we agreed one of us
would pay for the tree removal
and the other one
would waive the encroachment.
Wait, wait.
So the deal was back on?
- Soon as I can sign the papers.
- Which I have with me.
I think
I have the papers with me.
That is if Mike got them
off the lawn
when I was hog-tied.
Just hold on.
Hey, guys.
You should be in jail by now.
We should,
but unfortunately,
Pam is the only one
that was incarcerated.
Mike's worried
she might get disbarred.
We were hoping
if we cleaned up the mess,
you might drop the charges.
Why do you do this?
My dad is a saint
and he has enough to worry about
without all this bullshit.
Not that you'd care.
I care.
What's wrong?
What isn't?
My dad spends half his week
at hospitals
and I moved back home
and I quit my job and...
Whatever.
My mom has a bum thyroid.
Mine has skin cancer.
Mine's gone.
Two months ago.
I'm really sorry.
About everything.
Life.
So beautiful.
And so fleeting.
Hey!
You did this!
Yes, sir.
I did.
Me too.
And me!
Spartacus.
Sure.
Whatever.
Sorry, Dad.
We'll clean it up.
You all need to grow up.
- Your dad's nice.
- He's not wrong.
So, I guess I just start
cleaning up, or...
You know,
they should have a place
where adults can go and TP
and let off steam
without the fear
of their spouse being arrested.
I'd invest in that.
Really?
Well, why not?
They got adult coloring books,
those mature fidget spinners.
Couldn't be dumber
than that shit.
Let's do it.
All right.
Hey.
Hey, hey. I got it. I got it.
Listen, you know this.
I don't have the best luck with
people sticking
around in my life.
But you're still here.
And the thing that...
fucking scares me,
really, fucking scares me,
is that we give this a go
and you leave me too.
Well.
You better man-the-fuck-up.
Motherfucker.
All this papier toilette
and still so much mrde
in the world.
Dude, come on.
Oh, baby.
- I'm so sorry...
- Tell me you have my bags.
Of course I do.
Oh, this is Mike.
We spoke on the phone.
- Oh, you're...
- Real husband meet work husband.
This is Richard.
All right.
We have a deal to close.
Here's the last one.
I'd be lost without your wife.
Ditto, man. She's the best.
Get some rest, Pamela.
Call me, if there are
any last-second hiccups.
Pamela Young!
Holy shit.
Look at you.
You never cease to amaze me.
I...
I appreciate everything
that you do for us.
I'm so sorry that I hijacked
your birthday.
I'm sorry that I jumped
that fence before you.
- That will never happen again.
- Gosh, don't say sorry.
I finally got to TP a house.
And I still closed my deal.
Plus, your birthday
is coming up real soon, so.
You'd better watch your...
ass.
Nice pants, man.
Happy birthday!
What did I say about surprises?
- Look.
- Aw.
It should be about the Cubs.
Tell me
what the Socks have done lately.
- Michael.
- Oh. Hey, Coach.
- Where are your pants, son?
- Oh, uh...
Pam's birthday. Long story.
Uh, I've been meaning
to call you.
Don't know if you've heard,
I already told him
all that stuff.
Get on with it,
I've got a double-header.
Having trouble
finding a replacement.
I don't have
a teaching credential.
Fortunately, your services
aren't needed to teach Physics.
Oh, good. Yeah, I, uh,
the only reason I passed
was by copying Pam anyway.
Well, why don't you come by
and see me on Monday.
We'll talk about it.
- Yes, sir.
- And, uh, Mike,
wear some god damn pants.
I'm gonna ask the
principal to come by.
Pants. Check.
Oh, and, uh,
happy birthday, Pam.
Oh, thanks, Coach.
I'm sure I could still
get the kids to school.
You know practices are in the
afternoon, a few weekend games.
Mike.
Pam.
Michael.
Pamela.
I see you.
I appreciate you.
And I love you.
And if this is
what makes you happy,
then that's
what I want you to do.
So am I still
on sexy time restriction?
Upgraded to probation.
- I love you, Pam.
- I love you too.
Now, will you please,
for the love of God,
take me home.
Yes, ma'am.
Hi.
Hey, I'm thinking
about investing.
- Hmm.
- Assisted living,
I hear that's your thing.
Yeah, I mean, well.
- I'm a transactional attorney.
- Oh.
So, yeah.
Could you help me with that?
Sure.
- That'd be really great.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Sure.
Did you know?
Napoleon used to be six-seven.
He lost his kneecaps
in a ballroom dancing accident
when he was a...
when he was a teenager.
And they clashed him down
about three feet.
- Wow.
- So.
Did you that LSD
was originally invented
to treat alcoholism?