Lazer Team 2 (2018) Movie Script
1
[eerie music]
[Woody] Space, vast,
cold, beautiful, oh god!
[dramatic music]
'Okay, rude..
Where was I?
'Space, the next step... '
Bloody hell..
It's gonna do it
again, isn't it?
Or maybe not, space...
All right, this is
gettin' bloody ridiculous.
The fate of the galaxy,
perhaps even the universe,
has been tied to fragile beings
of our small blue planet,
the place we call home..
[dramatic music]
[electricity zaps]
Margaret, it's very important
that the rest of the team
hears this transmission.
I don't know how long I
can keep a clear signal.
[alarms sounding]
[Female on intercom] All
personnel evacuate immediately.
'This is an emergency..
Structural integrity
reaching critical limits.
All personnel
evacuate immediately.
Uh oh.
Mr. Scientist.
Okay, I know this looks bad.
[Vandenbloom] That's
'cause it is bad.
Alpha Team's still inside.
If we keep the rift
open much longer,
it'll tear this place apart.
Just shut it down!
I can't, she locked us
out of the controls.
[beeping]
[suspenseful music]
Come on!
Hey Maggie, how are ya?
Could you turn off
the rift device thing?
No.
Um, it's causing a
bit of a problem.
- No, shut up.
- Please.
They're okay,
they're almost here.
It's just a few more seconds.
We can't maintain this.
It's too dangerous, Maggie.
No, it's not!
[buzz, blast]
Okay, it is a little dangerous,
but they're almost here.
[suspenseful music]
Look!
[dramatic music]
What happened?
Where is he?
[beeping]
No!
In the months following
the alleged alien attack,
controversy has surrounded the'
Defense Extraterrestrial
Intelligence Agency or DETIA.
With Lazer Team disbanded,
facilities in disrepair,
and congressional
funding uncertain,
the future of the agency appears
to be in serious jeopardy.
We now go live to a press
conference at DETIA headquarters
where, hopefully, new
information springs up.
[press chattering]
Oh.
There's a lot of
you this morning.
They are all naked.
All of them, big, floppy,
naked parts everywhere.
You can do this.
As you know, after the Antarean
attack several years ago,
we have been hard at
work trying to prevent
future alien incursions.
I'm very proud to present
to you the Space Wall.
[press chattering]
Designed by our top
military scientists,
this wall will completely
encircle the planet,
thus keeping out
any unwanted aliens.
Nothing illegal will
get past this wall.
Only legals allowed.
I'm sorry, a space wall.
How is that even gonna work?
Can't the aliens
just go around it?
There's a turret gun
on the space wall.
The wall will also
be extremely tall,
much too tall to climb.
That doesn't make any sense.
Objection.
This isn't a courtroom.
Overruled, habeas corpus.
Next question?
[press chattering]
Yes, can you comment on the
widespread power outages
originating from this facility?
That was routine maintenance.
We were doing some
regularly-scheduled work
on our wormhole stabilizer.
What, sorry,
wormhole stabilizer?
Why do we have this
if it says classified?
Okay, close your
eyes, don't look.
Guys, seriously,
don't write that down.
I see it in your book.
'Give me the page..
This is a disaster.
[Vandenbloom] No texting,
no Tweeting, nothing.
[dramatic music]
See, a simple wall would've
prevented this intrusion.
Name and rank, solider.
Get lost.
You got it.
My name is Major
Evelyn Kilborne.
Effective immediately, I will
be the new head of this agency.
For the past four years,
this ridiculous Lazer has been a huge wart on the ass
of the United States government.
Today, I burn that wart off.
We are going to refocus our
energy on the three things
that American does best:
guns, missiles, and guns.
[reporters gasp]
And you can rest assured
that these hands are gonna
keep our planet safe.
No more questions?
Fantastic.
Dismissed.
She seems nice.
I think we'll be okay.
[dramatic music]
[Evelyn] Are these the remaining
files on the Champion Program?
[Vandenbloom] Yes ma'am,
these are super classified.
[Evelyn] Perfect, have
them brought to my office.
Hi there.
I'm Dr. Maggie Whittington.
I worked on the Champion
Project before this.
- Who is this person?
- That's, uh...
This is my lab that your
men are rearranging.
They're not rearranging,
they're dismantling.
Whittington, hmm, I've
heard a lot about you.
I'm giving you a promotion,
reassigned to
weapons development.
It's actually a lateral move.
Hey, soldier, this
looks expensive.
We got a box for it?
[Vandenbloom] I'm sorry to
see you go, but congrats.
Please, take me with you.
[Maggie] I can't go anywhere.
The tools in this laboratory
are the only connection
that we have to the
Einstein-Rosen bridge,
and as of a week ago,
I'm the only person
left on the planet who
knows how to operate it.
Well, that's fine
because as of today,
this project is canceled.
We're not dumping
any more resources
down some intergalactic
rabbit hole.
[Maggie] It's a wormhole
and there are people
still stuck inside.
Dr. Woodrow is an
important part of the team.
You mean helmet boy?
Terrible loss.
You can't just write him off.
Since you and Dr. Woodrow
opened that rift,
how many people have
come back alive.
He's not just anyone.
He's a champion of Earth.
He helped save the planet.
He was never a real champion.
None of them were.
And now it's my turn.
It's nice to take turns.
Shush.
You've had your play time,
and now we're
packing up your toys.
I'm not helping you.
Then I'll find
someone else who will.
[laughing]
Who the hell on this planet
is qualified to do that?
Vandenbloom, heel.
[tense somber music]
[cheerful music]
[Announcer] Nothing is as
special as a shared moment,
and when a moment's perfect,
you want that special
person by your side,
but nothing can ruin a moment...
like aggressive genital crabs.
[screaming]
What's up?
It's me, Herman Mendoza,
savior of the planet
and star of the animated
series Boot Group.
Now, when I'm not fighting
aliens to save the planet,
I'm fightin' off pubic
lice to save my junk.
That's why I use Pube-ex.
You want fast relief, trust
me, the Texas Tornado.
[ding]
Annnnnd cut.
Good, fantastic.
You made me want
crabs on that one.
I'm in the wrong business.
[Director] Right.
So, we got one more
shot before we wrap.
We're gonna need you
to run super fast.
Okay, I can't do that.
[sighs]
What's up, buddy?
What do you need to
get through this?
You need a bump?
- What?
- Need some coke?
'No, no, no..
I know some guys on
set, what do you need?
Some jalapeo poppers?
- No, dude.
Listen to me, if you get
through this last shot
and you knock it outta the park,
I'm gonna take you out tonight
and we're gonna
party our asses off.
Hey man, look, first of all,
The problem is the aliens
that I fought broke my boot
while I was savin'
the frickin' planet.
Okay, I am so thankful
that you saved the planet.
Thank you for your
service to humanity.
A little over the top.
Everybody, are we all thankful
that Herman saved the planet?
Not necessary.
And we watched his
clips on YouTube.
'We love him for it, yes?
We salute you, sir..
For the record,
nobody saluted, so.
Here we go!
Yep.
Anthony Hagan, it's
been some time.
It has, it's been a
long time since...
I mean, what does someone do
after they get to fight
aliens, am I right?
Yeah, it was a
unique experience.
Do you feel like
your life has peaked?
[Hagan] Peaked?
Well...
I know, I'd probably just
fall into a deep depression,
spiraling further
and further down
as the walls of
isolation and emptiness
clawed at my door..
Okay.
Now, a word from our
sponsors, Pube-ex.
[beep]
[messenger ringing]
Hi, Daddy!
Hey, Sweetie!
How you doin'?
It's Dad.
I know, you don't have
to be so loud, gee!
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Happy birthday, by the way.
Oh, thanks, Sweetie.
I can't believe you remembered.
Yeah, well, when
you're in college,
you gotta keep ahead
of things, right?
[chuckles]
How's the job search going, huh?
Goin' great, actually.
Yeah, I had an
interview this week,
but the waiting room was all
filled with 25-year-olds.
Probably a good
thing, though, right?
Make me more memorable.
That's awesome Dad.
Maybe you'll even make
some new friends too.
Well, I mean, yeah,
sure, but I mean,
I see the old team all the
time, even your boyfriend.
Hmm, right, my boyfriend.
Sorry, I just worry about
you, I guess I shouldn't.
[Hagan] Yeah.
Seems like you're
in a good space.
Yeah.
I'm in a really good place.
All right, well,
I gotta go, Dad.
I will talk to you later.
[Hagan] Okay.
Bye.
Bye, kiddo.
[sullen music]
Yup, I see you
guys all the time.
[Max on phone] You have ought to
make this work, right, Herman?
Let that teach you
how money works.
No, what anyone says
is zero, zero, Herman!
Zero, like the hole in the
lining of my bleeding stomach.
I don't work for talent that
can't hold a gig, Herman.
First it was Dancing
with the Stars
and now a walk-on role
in The Running Man.
You dick!
Johnny's got alimony
to pay, Herman.
Why haven't you said anything?
Kl know that sound, Herman..
'Don't hang up..
[groans]
Oh man, why did we have to
kill the one alien species
that knew how to take
these things off.
Agh!
Oh, whoa!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
scare you or disturb you.
You don't scare me.
I ain't scared.
[chuckles]
I'm just reading this book.
That's a menu.
It's a book about menus.
What do you want?
Okay, I guess I don't
really know where to start
or how to put this, but...
I need your help
with something huge.
Oh.
[chuckles]
You're a Boot Groupie.
Uh, I'm sorry, what?
I'm not sure I'm following.
Boot Groupie, you watched
my cartoon Boot Group.
See this cute little
cartoon guy right there
and you go, "You know what",
I wanna meet him in real
life and sit on his face."
'Yeah, I get it..
See you guys all the time.
You wanna take a ride
on the Texas Tornado.
Right?
Be a storm chaser,
all thrill, no bill.
It's nothin' to be ashamed of..
There's a lotta
you guys out there.
But it's cool, I'll be gentle..
What do you say, we just clear
out some of these beer cans
and we can do the
Kentucky boot grizzle.
That's a move I invented, '
but we'll need some
clarified butter.
We can go to the bathroom, if
you're into some freaky stuff.
Hot today, how 'bout
we take off our clothes
and try to hold an
ice cube between us,
and whatever you wanna do is...
Yeah, I um, it's funny
that you're talking about
all this sexual stuff
because there's actually
a little group of us.
Oh, there's more of you?
'Yes, there's plenty of us..
You know, we're just gonna
have a little boot...
scoot, and boogie.
Well, I like that, well,
okay, whoa, oh, oh!
So, anyways, that's
actually why I came,
was just to invite you.
Okay.
So, you're interested, right?
Hey, are there
mustaches in Mexico?
I think so.
Yeah, there are.
There's a lot of them.
Okay, yes, perfect.
I'll put the info in your phone.
I'm gonna give you the address.
Okay, yeah, 90, throw in there.
All right, all right,
well, see you, whoops...
Uh oh, hey hey.
- Little guy.
- How 'bout this?
I'll bring him, we
can have a threesome.
[chuckles]
Maybe.
I'll bring a fresh one though.
I think I already used that.
I will see you... tonight.
All right, I'll see you later.
[laughs]
[Herman] Upsettingly sexy.
Ow.
Still got it,
Herman, still got it.
[birds chirping]
- Ah!
- Shut up.
- Ow!
- Shut up.
- Ow!
- Shut up.
[Receptionist] Zach. - Yo!
[Receptionist] There's
a lovely young woman
here at the front desk..
She says she knows you.
[Zach] Mindy, oh, send her in!
Who's Mindy?
'Shut up..
[office music]
[door opens]
Oh, oh my god, um.
Who the hell are you?
You are Zach Spencer
from Lazer Team, right?
Nope, I'm Zach Spencer from
Team Laser Hair Removal.
What do you want?
I just never imagined
the Zeus cannon
being utilized for
this sort of thing.
[Zach] Yeah, you
wouldn't think so,
but once I started
losing juice, '
this is really the only
job I can do anymore,
and believe it or not, '
the NCAA wasn't lookin'
to scout quarterbacks
with no throwing arm, so
again, what do you want?
[Customer] Ow!
Well, I am here for a client,
someone who would like to get
some laser hair removal done.
Great, set up an appointment.
This person won't
come to the office.
You have to come to their home.
Because I don't do house calls.
Listen, Zach.
Sorry about that, sir.
It tickles.
'Anyways, back to my point, '
they're willing
to pay you double.
[Zach] Double?
[whispering] Ask for more money.
[Maggie] Shut up.
[Customer whispers] Triple it..
How 'bout triple?
Yeah, fine, triple,
but it's an emergency,
and they need you tonight.
An emergency?
Laser hair removal?
Is it a werewolf?
Yes, just gonna write
the address down here.
Be there at 9:00 pm.
Please do not be late.
[Customer] Have a nice evening.
Thank you.
[Customer] How's it lookin'?
Oh, it's lookin' fantastic.
Ow!
[Zach] Shut up!
On tonight's broadcast,
could your home be a
ticking time bomb of death?
Crucial information you
need now [knocking at door]
To stay alive.
Right after sports and weather.
Hey!
- Herman?
- Hagan?
What are you doing here?
[Hagan] What am I, I live here.
What are you doing here?
Oh man, so how many people
we got comin' to
this sex dungeon?
Sex dungeon?
All right, who
ordered a smooth ass?
Hagan, Herman?
Wait, you did not pay for
a two-for-one laser razor.
Complimentary hair removal,
that is nice orgy host touch.
Orgy?
What are you goin'
to orgies for?
Don't you have crabs?
I'm just the mascot.
Does Michael Jordan
actually play basketball.
Yes.
Listen, I'll stay for the
sex, just no eye contact.
I know how it works.
What the hell is going on here?
I can explain.
My name is Dr. Maggie
Whittington
and months ago, I received
an encrypted alien signal
that led to the direct
brutal kidnapping
of your friend, Woodrow Johnson,
and I brought you
all here tonight
because I need your
help to get him back.
Okay, who the hell is this?
Oh, this is my Boot Groupie.
Ew, no.
What?
All right, everyone sit down
and let me show you something.
So, Woody's missin', huh?
And he was never the brightest,
unless you count the time
when became the brightest.
Can I ask, why did
you all disband
after Pegasus was defunded?
You serious?
I haven't seen
these guys in years.
They could barely keep us
together to save the planet,
much less keep us together
to not save planet.
Yeah, these guys are assholes.
Thanks.
Also, is no one gonna
comment on how Hagan's
doin' his laundry in
sink like a poor person?
[laughs]
Yeah man, that's some serious
divorced dad stuff right there.
You know, Herman, this is
actually pretty progressive.
This is the way they
do it in Europe.
Oh yeah, what part
of Europe, Syria?
There's some refugees tryin'
to escape from your laundry.
Why don't you just grow up.
[laughing]
Okay, just forget
I said anything.
Look, your friend,
he needs your help.
Oh, what happened,
did he get a corn dog
stuck in his air vent again?
No, he's stuck somewhere
across the galaxy.
The galaxy?
Oh boy, here comes
the exposition.
I used to work for the
Defense Extraterrestrial
Intelligence Agency.
I was head of
Intergalactic Cryptography.
Intergalactic Cryptogr...,
aren't you a little
bit young for that?
Isaac Newton discovered
gravity when he was 25, okay?
- Ooh, diss.
- Ooh, got him.
Like you guys even
know who that is.
Yeah, dude, he invented
Apple computers.
That was Bill Gates, dumb ass.
Look, after Pegasus
was shut down,
I was reassigned to
work with Woodrow.
Ahh, Woodrow.
I don't sound like that.
I don't sound like
that, I'm a nerd.
I'm not wearing glasses.
It's, you sound, she
sounds like she is.
You should be.
I don't know if
that's racist or...
It's nerd, you're a
nerd, he's a nerd.
Zach.
You remember what we learned
about lettin' smart people talk?
No.
We were trying to see what
benefits we could derive
from Antarean technology
when, out of no where,
we got a new kind of message.
It was completely
different and foreign.
It wasn't Antarean..
It was coordinates and
directions on how to
build a rift.
I think you mean a raft.
No, no, a rift.
Dr. Woodrow, when I
finished the translation,
I realized that this
might compensate
for the Heisenberg
uncertainty principle.
That's quite brilliant,
Dr. Whittington.
That calibration
may be all we need
to hold the particle flux.
[Maggie recording] Thank you..
I think that we
should celebrate.
Would you, um, like
to go out some time
or we could even
just grab a coffee.
[Woody] No thank you.
Coffee increases my
need to defecate.
And I feel like we should
concentrate on science
and not evacuating our bowels.
Huh uh.
[Maggie recording] I
already evacuated my bowels.
[Woody] I take caffeine as
a suppository sometimes.
[Maggie recording] Um,
I'll have to try that.
[Maggie] Moving on.
[whirring]
I don't understand.
The magnetosphere
should've held.
I think it might be my fault.
[Woody] Are you wearing
the Antarean crystal?
[Maggie recording] Oh,
the gift that you gave me.
'I left it on your desk'
so you could study the
harmonic balancing properties.
Right.
Is something gonna
happen in this
or is this just a greatest hits
of Woody not havin' any game?
Yeah, is it possible to die
from watching someone
else's embarrassment?
Okay, all right,
fine, here's the rift.
[dramatic music]
[Woody] It's holding.
It's a stable rift.
Whoa!
Day 343, Dr. Whittington
and I successfully
induced the
Einstein-Rosen bridge,
sometimes colloquially
known as a rift or wormhole.
We're using coordinates
from a distant place.
[screams]
[screaming]
What was that?
[Maggie] The rift shut
before I could get to him.
A few days later, I
was able to reopen it,
and we sent a team
to help save him,
but all they came
back with was this.
They cut off his head!
You killed him!
It's his helmet.
Your friend is lost
somewhere in outer space.
He's being stalked
by a horrific alien,
and you guys are the only people
who can help save him.
Woody got his helmet off.
He took it off.
Yeah, but more importantly,
he needs your help.
But more importantly,
Woody got his helmet off,
which means he can help us
get our busted shit off too.
That means I can
get these boots off,
fix 'em, and go on
Dancing with the Stars.
I can be normal again.
But before that, we
could go into space
and fight aliens and
be Lazer Team again.
Okay, you know what,
I really don't care
what your reasons are, but we
need to get going, all right,
while I still have access
to the lab to open the rift.
Fine, but I'm not
sittin' next to
these two assholes for
the whole trip, deal?
Sure, deal.
Son of a bitch, move over.
I can't breathe.
What is that smell?
It's my cologne,
Ode de Boot by Herb.
Shut up back there.
We're approaching the base.
It's either there
or up Hagan's butt.
What do you want?
- In his butt.
- Face, no his face...
[on TV] is more of a
hero than anyone else.
You're hoggin' the
spotlight jackass.
Oh.
I think we stopped.
[on TV] Everyone here
is either laser...
Hi, Ralph.
Can you open the gate?
Dr. Whittington, what are
you doing here so late?
Are you burning the
midnight oil tonight?
You know, I have some
work I need to finish.
But I don't have you
on any of my registries
for coming in this late.
But Ralph, I just wanna
put in those extra hours.
Come on.
[muffled yelling]
What you talkin' about?
You're like such...
What was that?
I think that... was your TV.
[dramatic music]
I got a little cutty that'll
remodel a gas station.
Woo woo!
[laughs]
Boot Group, classic.
Boot Group, you know
what I'm talkin' about?
Who was your favorite character?
That kooky landlord...
Gustafson, do you know
that I'm the dumbest?
Boot Group.
[laughing]
Oh, doc, that doesn't
deserve another season?
It's all these educated
types like yourself,
but not you, you're
a Boot Groupie,
it's the ones who get up
there on their ivory towers
and they're like, you know what,
Boot Group's not good enough
and I think it's 'cause
it stars a black guy,
but I'm not gonna start that.
You go on through.
Thanks, Ralph, you're the best.
[Zach] I hope you die.
'I'm gonna murder you myself..
I'm gonna cut you into pieces.
I'm gonna throw
you in the water.
I'm gonna stomp your
faces in with my boot.
I hate both of you.
I miss this.
Here's your power problem.
[beeping]
Looks like the male end
fell out of the female end,
but you should be good now.
[Evelyn] So, am I turned on?
[tense music]
No?
[Evelyn] Wrong.
Stand up, soldier.
[slow funk music]
[deep sniff]
I know what you're thinking.
She's a powerful woman,
hell bent on pegging
every weasely-face
little man she sees.
Weasely?
I don't know if I would.
(Whoops)!-
[Evelyn] Sure, I've cited every
type of combat known to man,
but I still need care...
and tenderness and the
type of tantric lovemaking
that's only possible
with a man like you.
Thank you for saying
that, that's really...
[slaps]
Wait, tantric?
Oh oh, all right.
Yeah, back in the lab, okay.
Ooh, what is this?
Uh, it's a coffee maker.
[Herman] Okay, an
alien coffee maker.
[Maggie] No, it's a
regular coffee maker.
Uh, hey, somebody broke
somethin' over there.
Do not touch anything
in the lab, okay?
There's a lot of important
equipment in here.
Yeah, sure, but how do
you turn on the jet pack?
[Herman] Oh, I think
it's that button up top.
[Zach] It's got a
button, where's that at?
[Maggie] Do no do that, stop it.
There's gas in there.
Please do not do that.
I'm trying to take off.
[Maggie] Stop that.
Jump, just jump.
[Maggie] Just shut
up, all right?
Listen, Woodrow made you
guys new Lazer Team suits.
These are calibrated to
fit your body exactly.
[triumphant music]
Oh!
Um, we don't typically
shop at the Baby Gap.
No, you got a shrink ray.
No, they stretch.
So, does it stretch
over the jet pack?
It's not gonna stretch
over the jet pack.
You're taking that off.
Well, I'll take the jet
pack off and put the suit on
and then put the
jet pack back on.
No, you're not, you're
not gonna need a jet pack
when we go through the wormhole.
When do we get our jet packs?
No one, no one else is
getting a jet pack, okay?
[upbeat music]
[glass shattering]
[Hagan] Uh, another
thing broke itself.
Hey, you lookin' good Hagan.
[Hagan] I think it's the black.
- Yeah, yeah.
- They say it's slimming.
Oh, yeah, black
don't crack, man.
Guys, you guys look fantastic.
Okay, so listen, this
is the translocator.
[eerie music]
That's it?
That little thing?
Why didn't you build something
cool, like a DeLorean?
We're not time traveling.
Don't let the size
of it fool you, okay?
It's gonna drain this
whole place of power.
It takes a lot of energy
to connect two points
across the galaxy, but
for a smaller distance...
I just have one
little question about
your space nugget there.
How exactly does
it create a rift?
[exciting music]
Ooh you.
Well, that's cool.
Oh, wow!
That's some Looney
Tunes stuff right there.
Eh, I've seen better.
Okay, well how 'bout this?
[beeping] [whirring]
Ah!
[laughing]
That's not that funny.
Hold on a second.
Okay, two can play at that game.
[beeping]
Dude, it's an
intergalactic glory hole.
Jeez, I can't wait until the day
my daughter breaks up with you.
Oh yeah, well joke's on you
because she already
did three weeks ago.
Oh.
Aw.
That's sad.
Oh yeah, is it
sad that I'm gonna
spend the rest of my life alone?
[Hagan] Isn't it?
Kid, you wanna talk about it?
Ahhhh!
Come on!
[giggling]
Never gets old.
[groovy music]
This seems like a
lotta hard work.
Tell ya a secret Vandenbloom, '
ever since I joined DETIA,
I've been watching you.
Really?
That's, uh,
sweet.
I've been watching you with
more than just my eyes.
And, I'm promoting you...
to just beneath me.
Like, a real promotion?
[Evelyn] Actually, yes it is.
How does executive officer
second in command sound?
Okay.
P When it's bright time'
p Bring the dream'
[gasping]
[buzzing]
Damn it!
[suspenseful music]
[groaning] [screaming]
Okay everyone, the
rift is stable.
It's time to 90, single file.
That's the size
of the alien dong
comin' through that thing.
[Herman] Ooh, I
gotta call my agent.
Hey, Max, I'm not gonna
make it to Bitcon.
Where does he keep a phone?
[dramatic music]
Hand over the device,
Miss Whittington.
Friend of yours?
No!
Vandenbloom?
Hey guys.
Why don't you have pants on?
It's cold in here.
That was an order.
I won't ask again.
It's Dr. Whittington, and no.
Back your shit up, G.I. Jane.
You want her, you
gotta come through us.
Charge your laser, kid.
[Zach] It doesn't
charge, it just shoots.
She doesn't know that.
Just look menacing.
What, you think I can't
take down Lazer Team?
Dad Bod, Baby Face,
Flat-footed Loser.
[groans]
[grunting, crash, zap]
Shit, I blew my laser load.
[high energy music]
Huh?
[grunting]
Sorry, kid.
[Herman] Look out, Hagan.
Oh, we've never had that before.
Boot Group!
[yelling]
Oh oh.
[tense music]
I'm gonna really enjoy this.
[beeping]
[mumbles]
[peaceful music]
[groaning]
[Maggie] Here, let me help you.
Get off me, I don't
need your help.
Okay everyone, the rift
is growing unstable.
If we don't leave now, we
may not be able to reopen it.
[beeping]
[dramatic music]
[Zach] Crap.
[Maggie] You too Hagan.
Go.
OK.
[suspenseful music]
[yelling]
[groans]
[yelling]
[groaning]
Where's Maggie?
[dramatic music]
You're not going anywhere.
[grunting]
I hope I don't have to do a
press conference about this.
[yelling]
[splat]
I found Maggie.
[dramatic music]
Oh my god.
[epic music]
I can't believe we're in space.
I never thought we'd get here.
Dude, no one did.
I can't believe Lazer
Team went to space
in their second adventure.
I wish Mindy could see this.
[Herman] I wish my
fans could see this.
[Zach] Fans.
[Herman] Man,
I got tons of fans.
[Zach] Ceiling fans.
I hate to bring
down the mood here,
but there's a chance that
this might be a one-way trip.
Say what?
One way, what does that mean?
You can't get us back?
You know, I never used this
to transport five people,
so I didn't realize that
it would sap all the power.
And you didn't bring
any extra plutonium.
It's not a DeLorean.
But it could've been.
We just have to
find Woodrow, okay?
Because clearly, he's
the only one smart enough
out of you bozos to
be able to figure out
how to make this
thing work again.
What do we do about her?
[Herman] Ah, she's dead.
[Zach] Yeah, let's
just leave her.
Yeah, I agree.
[Maggie] Okay, I don't like her.
Guys!
We're Lazer Team, we're heroes,
and we are not going to
abandon a fellow human being.
[growling]
[suspenseful music]
That's that monster
that molested Woody.
The Hentai thing?
Yeah.
Shit, I'm still out of juice.
Here's the plan.
We ditch this chick.
When the monster eats her,
we just make a run for it.
Okay, but where do we
make a run for, man?
There's no where to go.
Ooh, ooh, the vents,
we can hide in them.
I can't fit in that.
I'll suck it in, NI suck it in.
[dramatic music]
[Zach] Oh, what is that smell?
Oh my god, is that Herman?
I thought you smelled
bad on the outside.
[Herman] It's not me.
It must be comin'
from somewhere else.
[Hagan] It's your upper lip.
Hey lady, how we
gonna find Woody
crawlin' through these
vents, John McClane style?
Yeah, and how do we know this
isn't some kind of a trap?
Look, I-I don't know if
it's not a trap, okay?
I don't know why Woody
was brought here,
and I definitely don't
know what that smell is.
At least 60% Herman.
Come on.
You guys are not
helping, all right,
and this is our only
option right now,
so unless any of you...
[screaming]
- Oh shit!
- What's goin' on?
The Hentai monster,
it clocked her.
Holy shit.
Grab the helmet.
Shit, go back, go
back, it's comin' back.
Go, shoot it with your laser.
[Zach] Move back!
I can't move back.
[Zach] Go back, 90 back!
Oh, hell no!
Get your ass out of my face.
Oh, good god.
Hey!
[Herman] Oh man.
That was the worst
experience of my life.
[Hagan] I can breathe again.
[Herman] Hagan, you ain't
a half ass, you a full ass.
[groaning]
I never thought
I'd miss the trunk.
What, are you stuck in there?
[Zach] No, it's Woody's helmet.
His head's too fat..
Um, guys.
Ooh.
[suspenseful music]
Hello.
Oh, I thought you guys were.
Oh, hey, are you lost?
Because I used to
be a police officer.
Look, we're pest control.
You guys have a octopus problem
or somethin' in your vents
and we uh, you know
what, we come in peace.
Come on, give it to 'em.
What is that?
I can't do the other one.
What the?
I can't do it either.
[Herman] Neither one
of y'all can do this?
I can roll my tongue...
Yeah, we're not
stickin' our tongue out
at these guys, right?
Whoa!
Lollipop Guild here doesn't
know who they're dealin' with.
Prepare to eat some
laser, bitches.
[beeping]
Okay, unfortunate there.
Uh, you guys are about
to get your asses kicked.
A'ight, let's just go easy 'em.
[groaning]
Maybe we took it a
little too easy on 'em.
Yeah, you think?
[tense music]
[clanking]
[Arklosh] Greetings,
oh champions of Earth.
No way.
What a pleasure to be joined
by the famous Lazer Team.
Antareans.
I knew I smelled sore losers.
Did you hear him call us famous?
Yeah.
I am Admiral Arklosh,
High Commander of
the Antarean fleet.
Hey, look, I'm gonna
be real with ya,
these old guys
here, they forced me
to blow up your ship last time.
I'm on your side.
Guys, I'm gaining his trust.
Yeah, but you're losing ours.
Your interference of
my ship is disturbing
but will soon be rectified.
But first, a little
housekeeping.
Housekeeping?
[Arklosh] It's only
going to sting a little.
[Zach] Herman what's
he doing, tell me.
I think they might
be castrating us.
Castrating!
[Herman] Yeah, I hope not!
Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm
good, don't touch my dick!
Don't touch my dick!
[screams]
[laughing]
[dramatic music]
Are you guys okay?
Am I okay?
Hell yeah, I'm okay!
I finally got this cannon off!
What is that smell?
Yeah, my feet might
be a wee stinky.
Smells like somebody just
threw up five pounds of cheese.
Hey man, you think Michael
Jackson's hand smelled good
after he took off
the sequined glove?
And he was the King of Pop.
Huh?
Aw, see, they're gonna
try to be Lazer Team now.
Don't worry, guys.
It's gonna be okay.
[All] Whoa!
Sweet dreams, Lazer Team.
[dreamy music]
[grunting]
What the hell is this place?
A La Quinta, what you think?
We're in some kinda
crazy alien space jail.
It's so weird to
have my hand back.
It's so weird to be in a
David Lynch music video.
I don't think it's so bad.
I can hold shit again.
[laughs]
[Herman] Where'd
you get a chair?
It was already in here,
along with a tire swing
and these awesome leaves.
[Herman] Leaves?
Yeah, they're mine, so back off.
Yeah, whatever.
Y'all stupid, I'm outta here.
Aw, shoot.
Later.
[groans]
[laughing]
[suspenseful music]
Whoa.
Look at all of 'em.
[buzzing]
[low dramatic music]
[leaves crunching]
Uh, hey guys.
I don't think we're in a prison.
We're in a zoo.
What?
If this is a zoo and
they got us on display,
they need pay me.
I guess they're just collecting
a bunch of different
species for some reason.
Hagan?
Yeah, kid.
Do you, do you think
we're the monkeys?
[grumbling]
I'm afraid so, Zach.
Nooooo!
Wait, come on, calm down.
Just keep your heads and we'll
figure out a way out of this.
[screaming]
Aw man, we're never
gettin' outta here.
I deserve this.
[Hagan] You don't deserve this.
Yeah, I do.
It's from all those
times I went to the zoo
and threw peppermints
at the animals.
Peppermints?
Why didn't you throw
something heavier?
Because... peppermints
make animals poop.
Like, you go to the zoo,
tiger's just laying there,
throw him some peppermints,
tiger gonna poop.
Mister fox bein' lazy,
throw him some peppermints,
fox'll get up then,
and then he'll poop.
But one time, I threw
peppermints at a chinchilla.
Little guy tried to eat
the peppermint whole.
I can still remember his eyes.
I killed the chinchilla.
I killed the chinchilla!
Okay, Jesus, where
did that come from?
It was so funny though.
Can we forget about
him for a second
and focus on escaping?
[male voice] I reckon
I can help with that.
[suspense music building]
Howdy, y'all!
- Woody!
- All right, all right.
- What's up?
- Good to see you, man.
[laughing]
Bust us outta here, water boy.
Yeah, get us out of here,
so we can rescue you.
[Woody] Glad you're here,
Sheriff, Drunk, Football.
Oh, right.
So, you're dumb Woody now.
[Zach] Yeah, lost his helmet.
Yeah, we thought you were dead.
We thought you got
turned into space 900.
What you been up to?
Not a lot, been thinkin' about
gettin' back into
racin' dune buggies.
Might get a pet snake.
- But Woody.
- Yup.
Escape now, talk later.
Knew I came to do somethin'.
Came up with a plan
and everything.
Oh great, you made a plan?
It's not my plan.
It's his.
God's?
Nope, smart me wrote a bunch
of notes for good-lookin' me
to follow from time to
time, like this one.
Do this if Lazer
Team gets captured.
Let, library them.
Here, let me see it,
what does it say?
Liberate, that
says liberate them.
That's a hard word.
It's a tough word.
What's that?
Just read the next note, 90.
Approach controls and press
the button for their cell.
[beeping]
[dramatic music]
Aw, turds.
He's a real killer too.
Aw, we're gonna die in here.
Not that button, the other one.
- Aw man.
- There we go.
Woody, you did it!
I say, man, ain't nobody
tryin' to hug you.
Nice work, Woody, don't
forget escaping was my plan.
Woody, thank you,
and I really hope you know
where we're goin' now.
Sure do.
Catch up, idiot, they left.
[suspenseful music]
[Reporter] We now go live
to a DETIA press conference
where Lieutenant Vandenbloom
has just taken the podium
for a major announcement.
So, turns out when you
get made second in command
and your boss vanishes
through a wormhole,
suddenly, you become
first in command.
Who knew?
Okay, are you suggesting
that Major Kilborne
was sucked through a wormhole?
I'm not suggesting anything..
I'm telling you.
Do you know why?
Because I'm in charge
now, little whiny baby.
Okay.
What's, he a writer
for Baby Boy Monthly?
You know, a week ago,
I wouldn't be allowed to say,
Dr. Woodrow has been transported
to an alien spacecraft
and all of the members of
Lazer Team are with him,
but now, I get to wear
flip flops to work,
so you tell me.
How do you like me
now, Closed-toe Carl?
Dad!
[footsteps]
Hey Woody, can you do this?
Yeah, I love Star War.
See, I told ya.
Hey, Woody, we're real sorry
we lost your helmet, bud.
Oh, that's okay,
I lost it first.
How do you like the
new super britches?
Britches?
You wear these
under your clothes?
Oh, I never take mine off.
Makes bath time
take longer though.
Can't wait for you to
meet my new friend.
[Zach] Since when
do you have friends?
Oh!
Ew, what is that smell?
Nasty.
Maggie!
Maggie?
Thank god, are you okay?
[Herman] We thought
that octopus ate you.
Okay.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Did you find Woodrow?
Nope, I found y'all.
Ah, Woodrow!
[chuckles]
You... have a mullet.
Aw, it'll grow on you.
It grew on me.
Well, your theory was correct.
We were able to bring
multiple subjects
through the rift using
the translocator.
You're real pretty.
Um, why do you sound so...
Stupid?
Redneck?
Country?
Handsome?
Oh, okay.
Oh, Woody never mentioned
what he was like
before the helmet.
[Hagan] Oh.
Your armor, it's all gone.
What happened to it?
Yeah, we lost it.
The Antareans got it
and they destroyed it.
But not without a fight.
Aw yeah, they were huge.
I pulled this bone
outta one of 'em.
That's a finger bone.
Okay, well, we just need
to get the armor back
because we need
the smart Woodrow.
He's the only one who
can fix the translocator.
Oh, that thing.
I bet my friend can
get that gizmo a jump.
Wait, you have another friend?
[growling]
[yelling]
Hey, don't be rude.
Everybody, this is Duolos.
Duolos, these are my pads..
[growls]
Gah.
Ah!
Radio's a little outta
tune there, Duolos.
[grumbling]
Apologies.
I didn't mean to frighten
the great Lazer Team.
What the hell, Woody?
Now you're friends
with evil Zoidberg?
[Duolos] Forgive me.
My only intention was
to reunite Lazer Team.
You see, Dudes needs us..
It's the reason we're all here.
Duolos needs alight
batter, a quick fry,
and some lemon pepper sauce.
[tense music]
I am Duolos, keeper
of the Galactic Games.
You should have a nicer office.
I was enslaved by the
Antareans eons ago
for my superior
calculation skills.
Do you understand?
Yeah, you're a nerd.
We get it.
Zach, come on.
I am a Ludon, the
last of my race.
I've watched the games wipe
out entire civilizations
and many lives, many champions
until the Antareans
came to Earth
and were bested by you..
After you replaced the
fallen champion Adam,
you didn't just
beat you opponents,
you beat the Antareans.
'This has never
happened before..
You're welcome, spaghetti face.
No thanks necessary.
Thanks?
You ruined the galaxy!
Yeah, we sorta screwed
the space pooch.
How would saving our planet
ruin the galaxy
for everyone else?
After your victory, the
Antareans were merciless.
They were afraid more
planets would rise up,
so they destroyed
one after the other.
[dramatic music]
Including my own.
What about the champions?
You already met them.
Oh, the snail!
[laughs]
We let him out.
What?
We let him out of the cage.
It's one of the deadliest
creatures in the galaxy.
Oh my god, so wait a minute,
the best day of my life
was the worst day for
the rest of the universe?
What the hell, man?
You brought us all the
way across the galaxy
just to piss on our parade?
You need to finish
what you started.
Here on the Antarean mothership.
Look, we didn't start this.
We just trying to survive.
Perhaps, but no other
champion in history
used the suit as you did.
Champion armor is only as
strong as the person inside it.
By each taking a piece,
you became something more.
Well, newsflash Squidward,
we don't have the armor.
The Antareans took it from us.
[Maggie] I can't believe
you lost the helmet.
Are you sure you don't
know where it is?
[Herman] Are we sure?
It got incinerated, lady.
I didn't realize that.
You are the dumbest
smart person I ever met.
I have this bone.
No, Maggie, it's okay.
Smart me left all
these notes for...
No, it's all right.
It's not gonna help.
However, the Antareans have been
working on an
experimental suit of armor
for the upcoming
Bi-millennial Games.
Ooh ooh, look at those boots!
It's powered by the same
crystal your translocator uses.
[Woody] Oh, I've
seen that before.
Smart me gave one to Maggie.
Yeah, your necklace.
We saw it in the videos.
This thing can power
the translocator.
Well, yes, but...
Sweet, pop that bad
boy in the rift maker
and let's go home.
Well, wait, don't you
wanna put on the new armor?
Forget the armor, if there's
a way to get back home,
to get back to
Mindy, I'm takin' it.
Maggie, crystal.
Well, I, I mean, I lost it, I...
You lost it?
Calm down, okay.
You guys lost your armor.
Don't get mad at me.
We didn't lose it,
it got taken away
from us and burned up.
So basically, there's no
way for us to get home.
Well, if you put
on the new armor
and help me defeat
the Antareans,
I can help get you home.
[buzzing]
They're coming!
Quickly, this way.
[dramatic music]
We either must go down here or
down the ventilation system.
The vents?
No, no, you're not going
through the vents again, no way.
I don't recommend this.
Oh, you don't recommend it?
I bet you don't.
Have fun in the air
vents, human centipede.
[yelling]
That's not the playground.
[Herman] Me next!
[Zach] Here, guard this.
You must help me convince
them to defeat the Antareans.
They must unite as one
to save the galaxy.
Uh, yeah.
[dramatic music]
[Hagan] What is this place?
[Woody] Ew, you all
think it's nuclear?
[Zach] Aw, the
radiation's probably gonna
melt our balls off..
I don't think it's radioactive.
If it was, our insides
would be boiling right now.
Just try not to get it in
your eyes or your mouth.
Ugh, gross dude.
[groans]
[laughing]
[Maggie] Herman, just try to
get it off very carefully.
[groaning]
Hey, it's good.
What the hell, Herman?
Oh, oh yeah.
[Zach] What are you doing?
Taste it.
Let's check the flavor savor.
No, Woodrow, don't.
Oh, Woody, come on.
[Zach] Whoa, mama.
Uh huh, what do you think it is?
[hatch opens]
Did you hear that?
Shh.
[alien groans]
Oh, shit.
[groaning]
[coughing and gagging]
I hate space.
Herman, what the
hell are you doing?
Did you see where
that just came from?
Hey look, guys, Michael
Phelps eats chicken nuggets,
and he knows what's in those,
and he's one like
80 gold medals, so.
There's not shit
in chicken nuggets.
Well, there's shit in
this and it's delicious.
[gagging]
[playful music]
Okay, I think this is it.
Please let there be a
shower in this room.
Watch out!
[dramatic music]
Oh good, you made it.
I started to worry.
Started to worry?
You sent us through
the ship's toilet.
A delicious toilet, might I add.
Look at that.
[inspirational music]
[Duolos] I wanted you
to see the new armor.
With this, we can fight together
and destroy the Antareans.
When they are defeated,
I will help you go home.
But if we crack this open,
we get the crystal out of it,
we can use that to go home?
Well yes, but then the Antareans
will never see justice.
Okay, there you have it.
I mean, you guys are Lazer
Team and we should help Duolos.
[Herman] Well, of course
we're puttin' 'em on.
I mean, I got the second
season of Boot Group.
I gotta sell that
pubic lice spray.
'Come on, guys..
Zach, come on, man.
Put it on, shoot a laser.
- No.
- What?
The last piece of power armor's
the whole reason I lost
Mindy to begin with.
Let's go home.
Okay, but Woodrow can
keep the helmet on, right?
Like the original armor,
all pieces must be worn
for it to activate.
You're tryin' real hard to
get me in that brain bucket.
I just wanna save you.
Save me or save him?
[Duolos] No, no, this is bad.
Woody.
Woodrow, this is not
what we had discussed.
You know, I used to think that
finding this suit of power
was the most important thing
that ever happened to any
of us, but I gotta admit,
it's brought us nothing
but trouble and misery.
We came to get
Woody, we got Woody.
We're goin' home.
Well, you've made your choice.
Obviously, you're just
a waste of my time.
They chose that,
I have a meeting
at the Cartoon Network next
week and it would just...
[growls]
You are all cowards.
I expected more from
the brave Lazer Team.
I wish you would have
never taken the armor
from the true champion.
Your cowardice has
now sealed your fate.
[zap]
[gasping]
Duolos!
[suspenseful music]
So, I got the squid
thingy for ya.
You're welcome.
He wasn't the bad guy.
Oh no, really?
I'm just kidding, I don't care.
Kilborne, what the
hell are you doing?
I'm under new management.
Thank you.
Angry Earthwoman, please
escort these pests
to a better view of the
destruction of their world.
[laughing]
What?
Destruction of our...?
Earth chose the wrong champion.
Now, it's gonna pay
the ultimate price.
[dramatic music]
This makes no sense.
You're head of DETIA.
It's your job to save the planet
and help the champions of Earth.
I am helping the champion,
well, the one who was supposed
to be champion anyway.
Okay, what?
[sighs]
Of course you idiots don't know.
DETIA trained two
children from birth...
Adam and Eve.
I knew that beating
felt familiar.
My brother Adam died
in the Antarean arena.
Okay, is that what
this is about?
That your brother died?
We were working with Adam.
He was our friend.
I can't believe he
didn't die sooner.
He was so sentimental and weak.
And I got to spend the rest
of my life as a plan B.
I would've been perfectly
happy just dismantling DETIA,
and now with the Antareans,
I get to take my rightful
place as champion,
but I'm playing for the
team that's gonna win.
[dramatic music]
Okay, I read that
situation entirely wrong.
[Herman] Bit off on that one.
[rhythmic drum music]
Please, Kilborne, you
don't have to do this.
It's not too late.
You're right.
[suspenseful music]
Now, it's too late.
Why do you want that?
It's useless to you.
Because I know you want it.
Now, we've almost reached Earth,
so why don't you just grab
a snack, enjoy the show,
and then it's back
to your cages...
for the rest of your life.
Later loser team.
[chuckles]
She said something
about a snack.
You guys know
anything about that?
[doors slam]
Dark days for DETIA
as they're funding
has been all but
completely eliminated.
Sources say, a reclusive
Lieutenant Vandenbloom
had sequestered himself in an
abandoned government facility.
Vandenbloom!
Mindy?
Where's my dad?
Where's Zach and what
is this wormhole?
I'm sorry, okay,
I'm not giving away
any more top secret
information today.
Come back next week.
I'll buy you a froyo.
Do I really look like somebody
who can be bribed so easily?
That over there is where
Woody made the wormhole
and then he was abducted, okay?
And then Lazer went to rescue him
and we lost all
communication with them,
and I think there's definitely
no way they're coming back.
Oh my god.
They comin' back!
I knew it!
What?
The translocator operates at
a unique harmonic frequency.
Right now, it looks like
they're just beyond
the orbit of the moon.
[dramatic music]
Congratulations, Lazer Team.
We're gonna go down in history
as the destroyers
of the universe.
I can't believe I finally
got the stupid cannon off
and I can't even get
back to show Mindy.
I can't even say goodbye.
[Hagan] You know what
the worst part is?
She doesn't even
know what's comin'.
None of them do..
God, I spent so much time
trying to go to space,
but all I ever care about
is what's back home.
Everything I care
about is right here.
[footsteps]
You guys, I'm sorry.
What the hell is that?
Come on, now, what are you,
you could've beamed
us back at any time.
No, I couldn't.
Well, yeah, I could've, but
if we left without the helmet,
Woodrow would never
be the same again.
I just wanted him
to be his old self.
But I am my old self.
No, she means your,
"Oh, Mary Poppins,
"spot of tea," aluminum self.
[tense music]
There's gotta be a
solution in here.
Without my helmet, my head brain
never comes up with
the right thing to say.
Now, I can talk
from my chest brain.
Margaret, I don't
need my helmet on
to know what you mean to me.
[peaceful music]
Oh, Woody!
Woody's not gay?
It's a nice moment,
let him have it.
[peaceful music]
[dramatic music]
I ruined everything.
It's all my fault.
No, it's not.
It's all our fault.
You win as a team and
you lose as a team.
Well, Herman, we sure do seem
to be doin' a lot of losing.
Like, Duolos said, when it
comes to screwin' up big time,
we crush that shit.
But you know what?
It may not be a plate of
ribs, but win or lose,
we go out to eat after the game.
Bony ah .
A peppermint?
Just wonder how we're
gonna split this five ways.
Oh, come on now.
Dude, that was the last
mint in the galaxy.
Not quite, A-B-A-M,
always bring another mint.
You kiddin' me with this guy.
Don't worry, party's
not over yet.
'Aw, come on'.'!
[gagging]
Just me?
Guys, guys, huddle,
huddle, come here.
Look, they're distracted.
'We got one shot at this, okay?
Maggie, Herman, you
guys go for their legs.
Woody, Zach, get your hands
on one of those blasters.
Kid, you got one
shot at this, okay?
I got this.
[groaning]
Or that could happen.
Damn!
Dude, you chinchilla'd them!
[laughing]
[Maggie] Guys, I have an idea.
[dramatic music]
[Arklosh] For your help
in capturing Lazer Team,
the champion armor is now yours.
Finally, the real
champion gets her armor.
This helmet...
doesn't belong to you.
Now!
[exciting music]
[groaning]
[blasters firing]
[grunting]
Zach, come on, same team!
My bad.
Lazer Team, suit up!
It won't activate fill
all the pieces are on.
Quick, they're sending
reinforcements!
Ya think?
Woody!
Helmet!
[groaning]
[tense music]
Woody!
That armor is mine.
Takes more than armor
to be a champion.
That's right, the champion
does what it takes to win.
[grunts]
[yells]
That was an upgrade.
[triumphant music]
You're welcome.
A light sword, huh kid?
I call it a laser saber.
[whirring] [Zach
mimicking whirring]
Yeah, you know, you don't
need to make the noises.
It does that on its own.
[Zach] Yeah, but
it's more fun though.
[laughs]
[Hagan] Thanks.
Maggie.
Welcome back, Woodrow!
Ooh ooh, yeah!
Okay, this new armor is
definitely different.
Maybe we take a second,
figure out how it works.
Or just wing it.
Or we just go with
the usual plan.
Let's just get the
translocator off of Kilborne
and get outta here.
That Kilborne?
Come on!
I knew I shoulda
stabbed her more.
Yeah, who needs a plan?
'Plans are boring..
I'm just leader, what do I know?
Guys, the one with the
shield goes in front!
[upbeat rock music]
Wait, you guys, stop.
Where are we going?
Enemies incoming.
Where?
Everywhere.
Lazer Team, form up.
[blasters firing]
Targeting on.
Dude, this is bad ass.
I can hit everything!
Boot Group!
[upbeat rock music]
A little help here.
I don't have a weapon.
Hagan, try your
secondary function.
What?
[beeping]
[laughs]
Look at that, kid,
boomerang shield.
That's way better than a sword.
Bad ass, Hagan.
Check this out.
[laser firing]
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
[suspenseful music]
They just launched
an entire fleet
of alien ships to
destroy us, sir.
Good luck gettin'
past that space wall.
That's no where near complete.
What about the turret gun?
Oh, that actually works,
but we haven't tested
the controls yet.
Oh, we're doin' this.
It's on that one over there.
That computer?
Okay.
[tense music]
The password's pewpew123.
[Vandenbloom] Thank
you very much.
Kilborne's getting away.
Keep track of her.
We gotta find her before she
destroys the translocator.
[Hagan] Okay, everyone split up.
'Go, go, go'.'!
[yelling]
[dramatic music]
Damn, I'm stuck.
[grunts]
Damn. Gravity. Boots.
Okay, that should do it.
[electronic music]
Here they come.
[dramatic music]
How do you think Zach's doin'?
[Zach screaming]
[laser cannon whirring]
Die, die, die!
[laughing]
Zach, there's four
people on the team.
You don't have to
kill all of them.
[beeping]
[Vandenbloom] Uh!
Get 'em, Vandenbloom.
Yip!
Yeah!
Woo!
Get back here, you
little bastard!
I think he's got
that hallway covered.
Ooh!
[laser blasting]
Maggie!
Use your science.
Get her!
Oh, I am gonna enjoy this.
[bam]
Oh!
Thanks, Woody, we
were just about to...
[Hagan] Yeah. [Herman]
Get in to help.
New feature.
I got it, let's go.
Oh my god.
He's really doing it!
[beeping]
[turret gun firing]
Here we go!
Aw, awesome!
[blasting]
[screaming]
[tense music]
[Antareans over speaker]
Oh shit.
We have to move now!
[dramatic music]
Now, we only have enough
power for one rift.
We don't know how long
until the dark
matter ray is online.
[Hagan] Oh, ship.
If there's another
laser in there, dibs.
Why would you want
another laser?
'Cause I'll have two lasers.
[Hagan] Yeah, but
then you got no hands.
Yeah, but then I have a
laser sword and a gun.
You're an idiot.
Take the helmet.
Aw, guys, I'm pickin' up
an enormous power surge.
We don't have much time.
Oh man, I'll you
what, we are screwed.
Wet willy.
We could wet willy them.
I think she's going crazy.
Everybody, get in the ship.
Oh no, I'm not gettin'
crammed into a box
with these two again.
Well, it's either that
or we're all gonna die.
Woody, do you think you know
how to fly one of these?
Well, I did successfully
open a wormhole
on the hyper surface
of space time,
and also, it has
autopilot, so yeah.
Where the hell do you
think you're going?
Just slow down for a second.
Lady, you got issues, one
of which is not dying.
Failures like you can't kill me
'cause I was born to win,
and I always get my-
[squishing]
Hey, look!
Ooh, snail!
I'm glad we let that guy out.
He's lookin' at us, quick...
Hurry, shut the door!
[doors slam]
[beeping]
[dramatic music]
I actually just realized
that I hooked the
turret up wrong.
It's been on autopilot
this whole time.
[Mindy] So then,
what's he doing?
He's playing a video game.
Do you think we should tell him?
Nah, let him have it.
[triumphant music]
Yeah!
Woo!
I feel I could call my dad.
[Woody] Everyone,
hold onto something.
Hold onto what?
Now, that we're actually
going out into space,
I admit it, I'm
terrified of space.
Well, you don't have
anything to worry about
'cause there's no
space in this ship.
[suspenseful music]
[yelling]
I may have had to
take out the autopilot
to make room for us.
What?
It was huge!
[dramatic music]
We should really be wearing
seat belts in this thing.
Yeah, I had to get
rid of those too.
Okay, get ready, it's
just a few more seconds
until Operation Wet Willy.
I'm still very
perplexed by this plan.
Just keep going straight, okay?
We wanna get in the
path of the beam.
Did she say get in the path
of the beam of
the deadly weapon?
Activating translocator.
Got a bad feeling about this.
[Maggie] And now!
[blast]
[explosions]
[birds chirping]
[laughing]
I did it, I did it!
That was me!
I'm a hero!
Yeah, it was all you, buddy.
That was bad ass!
That plan was amazing.
All right, well, now all
we have to do is figure out
how to reenter the Earth's
atmosphere without burning up.
Oh, son of a bitch!
[yelling]
[Hagan] Aw man, buildings!
[groans]
[laughing]
Lazer Team two,
Antareans nothin'.
It's just nice to
be back on Earth
where at least we
have a little respect.
Hey, give us our
ball back, dickheads.
Herman, pull.
[blast]
[laughs]
Now, who's the dickhead?
All of you, all
of you are dicks.
Well, you guys should be
playing football anyway.
Well, technically, on
most of the planet,
they are playing football.
- Oh, Woody.
- Shut up.
Why do you gotta
ruin everything?
Stick with the team.
[Woody] Basic geography, really.
[Zach] Worst member.
Hey, what's up?
It's your boy, Herman Mendoza.
Running at super speed
makes me super thirsty.
That's why I drink Boot Goop,
made from a space age recipe,
it's packed with
chucks of flavor.
Boot Goop, go from
number two to number one.
You won't believe what
you're puttin' in your mouth.
This product is not
approved by the FDA.
[laughing]
Wow, Herman, that's great.
Thank you, gotta sell that Goop.
So, what's with all the logos?
Oh, no man, these
are my sponsorships.
I make a little
cash on the side.
Um, does Woody know you
did this to the suit.
Say what?
I don't need to run
things by Woodrow.
What do you think this is?
[Maggie] Okay, well,
I'm just saying...
Oh, hey Mindy.
Hey Zach.
Long time, huh?
Don't know if you heard,
but I saved the world again.
Believe it or not,
I actually got this off
while we were up there.
I was back to my old
self for a few minutes.
That thing isn't
what makes you, Zach.
Yeah, but it's what makes it
impossible to be with me, right?
No, but one day
you'll figure it out.
[Hagan] Hey hey hey, everybody.
Dad!
Daddy, hi!
Hi sweetie.
So good to see you.
Why does he look like NASCAR?
[Herman] Hey man, I make
$30.00 a week wearin' this.
30 a week?
Did you do that deal yourself?
[peaceful music]
I didn't actually think
that we'd make it back.
I should've told you
about the other Woody.
No, there's only
one Woody to me.
[triumphant music]
What does this thing do anyways?
Oh my god!
Was it just a button there?
I can eat corn dogs again!
I can blow out birthday candles.
I can play the recorder.
Shut up.
[triumphant music]
[Zach] Woody, what the hell?
How'd you get the helmet off?
[Woody] It's just like
a button on the side.
[Zach] Hey, where's my button?
[adventurous music]
Breaking news, we go to yet
another press conference
with Lieutenant Vandenbloom.
Yeah, yeah, blam!
Seriously?
This guy again?
So can you indeed confirm
that it was the Antareans that,
once again, had attacked us?
Attempted attack, but
I can also confirm
that you're looking
at the one man
responsible for
saving the planet.
Uh, yeah, there actually
have been many reports
that it was actually
Lazer Team and not you.
Actually went out in...
You don't need Lazer Team.
You need Vandenbloom.
Let me hear y'all, give me
a little bit of that love.
When I say Vanden,
you say bloom.
Vanden, Vanden, when I
say Vanden, you say Bloom.
Vanden, Bloom.
[Vandenbloom and
Reporter] Vanden-Bloom.
Vanden...
Bloom!
Vandenbloom, Vandenbloom rules!
Now that Lazer has battled aliens
here on Earth and in space...
I can neither confirm nor
deny they were in space.
Where else can Lazer Team 90?
[sighs]
What other adventures
could Lazer possibly go on at this time?
[suspenseful music]
Travel.
Time travel.
What the fun'
[upbeat music]
[eerie music]
[Woody] Space, vast,
cold, beautiful, oh god!
[dramatic music]
'Okay, rude..
Where was I?
'Space, the next step... '
Bloody hell..
It's gonna do it
again, isn't it?
Or maybe not, space...
All right, this is
gettin' bloody ridiculous.
The fate of the galaxy,
perhaps even the universe,
has been tied to fragile beings
of our small blue planet,
the place we call home..
[dramatic music]
[electricity zaps]
Margaret, it's very important
that the rest of the team
hears this transmission.
I don't know how long I
can keep a clear signal.
[alarms sounding]
[Female on intercom] All
personnel evacuate immediately.
'This is an emergency..
Structural integrity
reaching critical limits.
All personnel
evacuate immediately.
Uh oh.
Mr. Scientist.
Okay, I know this looks bad.
[Vandenbloom] That's
'cause it is bad.
Alpha Team's still inside.
If we keep the rift
open much longer,
it'll tear this place apart.
Just shut it down!
I can't, she locked us
out of the controls.
[beeping]
[suspenseful music]
Come on!
Hey Maggie, how are ya?
Could you turn off
the rift device thing?
No.
Um, it's causing a
bit of a problem.
- No, shut up.
- Please.
They're okay,
they're almost here.
It's just a few more seconds.
We can't maintain this.
It's too dangerous, Maggie.
No, it's not!
[buzz, blast]
Okay, it is a little dangerous,
but they're almost here.
[suspenseful music]
Look!
[dramatic music]
What happened?
Where is he?
[beeping]
No!
In the months following
the alleged alien attack,
controversy has surrounded the'
Defense Extraterrestrial
Intelligence Agency or DETIA.
With Lazer Team disbanded,
facilities in disrepair,
and congressional
funding uncertain,
the future of the agency appears
to be in serious jeopardy.
We now go live to a press
conference at DETIA headquarters
where, hopefully, new
information springs up.
[press chattering]
Oh.
There's a lot of
you this morning.
They are all naked.
All of them, big, floppy,
naked parts everywhere.
You can do this.
As you know, after the Antarean
attack several years ago,
we have been hard at
work trying to prevent
future alien incursions.
I'm very proud to present
to you the Space Wall.
[press chattering]
Designed by our top
military scientists,
this wall will completely
encircle the planet,
thus keeping out
any unwanted aliens.
Nothing illegal will
get past this wall.
Only legals allowed.
I'm sorry, a space wall.
How is that even gonna work?
Can't the aliens
just go around it?
There's a turret gun
on the space wall.
The wall will also
be extremely tall,
much too tall to climb.
That doesn't make any sense.
Objection.
This isn't a courtroom.
Overruled, habeas corpus.
Next question?
[press chattering]
Yes, can you comment on the
widespread power outages
originating from this facility?
That was routine maintenance.
We were doing some
regularly-scheduled work
on our wormhole stabilizer.
What, sorry,
wormhole stabilizer?
Why do we have this
if it says classified?
Okay, close your
eyes, don't look.
Guys, seriously,
don't write that down.
I see it in your book.
'Give me the page..
This is a disaster.
[Vandenbloom] No texting,
no Tweeting, nothing.
[dramatic music]
See, a simple wall would've
prevented this intrusion.
Name and rank, solider.
Get lost.
You got it.
My name is Major
Evelyn Kilborne.
Effective immediately, I will
be the new head of this agency.
For the past four years,
this ridiculous Lazer has been a huge wart on the ass
of the United States government.
Today, I burn that wart off.
We are going to refocus our
energy on the three things
that American does best:
guns, missiles, and guns.
[reporters gasp]
And you can rest assured
that these hands are gonna
keep our planet safe.
No more questions?
Fantastic.
Dismissed.
She seems nice.
I think we'll be okay.
[dramatic music]
[Evelyn] Are these the remaining
files on the Champion Program?
[Vandenbloom] Yes ma'am,
these are super classified.
[Evelyn] Perfect, have
them brought to my office.
Hi there.
I'm Dr. Maggie Whittington.
I worked on the Champion
Project before this.
- Who is this person?
- That's, uh...
This is my lab that your
men are rearranging.
They're not rearranging,
they're dismantling.
Whittington, hmm, I've
heard a lot about you.
I'm giving you a promotion,
reassigned to
weapons development.
It's actually a lateral move.
Hey, soldier, this
looks expensive.
We got a box for it?
[Vandenbloom] I'm sorry to
see you go, but congrats.
Please, take me with you.
[Maggie] I can't go anywhere.
The tools in this laboratory
are the only connection
that we have to the
Einstein-Rosen bridge,
and as of a week ago,
I'm the only person
left on the planet who
knows how to operate it.
Well, that's fine
because as of today,
this project is canceled.
We're not dumping
any more resources
down some intergalactic
rabbit hole.
[Maggie] It's a wormhole
and there are people
still stuck inside.
Dr. Woodrow is an
important part of the team.
You mean helmet boy?
Terrible loss.
You can't just write him off.
Since you and Dr. Woodrow
opened that rift,
how many people have
come back alive.
He's not just anyone.
He's a champion of Earth.
He helped save the planet.
He was never a real champion.
None of them were.
And now it's my turn.
It's nice to take turns.
Shush.
You've had your play time,
and now we're
packing up your toys.
I'm not helping you.
Then I'll find
someone else who will.
[laughing]
Who the hell on this planet
is qualified to do that?
Vandenbloom, heel.
[tense somber music]
[cheerful music]
[Announcer] Nothing is as
special as a shared moment,
and when a moment's perfect,
you want that special
person by your side,
but nothing can ruin a moment...
like aggressive genital crabs.
[screaming]
What's up?
It's me, Herman Mendoza,
savior of the planet
and star of the animated
series Boot Group.
Now, when I'm not fighting
aliens to save the planet,
I'm fightin' off pubic
lice to save my junk.
That's why I use Pube-ex.
You want fast relief, trust
me, the Texas Tornado.
[ding]
Annnnnd cut.
Good, fantastic.
You made me want
crabs on that one.
I'm in the wrong business.
[Director] Right.
So, we got one more
shot before we wrap.
We're gonna need you
to run super fast.
Okay, I can't do that.
[sighs]
What's up, buddy?
What do you need to
get through this?
You need a bump?
- What?
- Need some coke?
'No, no, no..
I know some guys on
set, what do you need?
Some jalapeo poppers?
- No, dude.
Listen to me, if you get
through this last shot
and you knock it outta the park,
I'm gonna take you out tonight
and we're gonna
party our asses off.
Hey man, look, first of all,
The problem is the aliens
that I fought broke my boot
while I was savin'
the frickin' planet.
Okay, I am so thankful
that you saved the planet.
Thank you for your
service to humanity.
A little over the top.
Everybody, are we all thankful
that Herman saved the planet?
Not necessary.
And we watched his
clips on YouTube.
'We love him for it, yes?
We salute you, sir..
For the record,
nobody saluted, so.
Here we go!
Yep.
Anthony Hagan, it's
been some time.
It has, it's been a
long time since...
I mean, what does someone do
after they get to fight
aliens, am I right?
Yeah, it was a
unique experience.
Do you feel like
your life has peaked?
[Hagan] Peaked?
Well...
I know, I'd probably just
fall into a deep depression,
spiraling further
and further down
as the walls of
isolation and emptiness
clawed at my door..
Okay.
Now, a word from our
sponsors, Pube-ex.
[beep]
[messenger ringing]
Hi, Daddy!
Hey, Sweetie!
How you doin'?
It's Dad.
I know, you don't have
to be so loud, gee!
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Happy birthday, by the way.
Oh, thanks, Sweetie.
I can't believe you remembered.
Yeah, well, when
you're in college,
you gotta keep ahead
of things, right?
[chuckles]
How's the job search going, huh?
Goin' great, actually.
Yeah, I had an
interview this week,
but the waiting room was all
filled with 25-year-olds.
Probably a good
thing, though, right?
Make me more memorable.
That's awesome Dad.
Maybe you'll even make
some new friends too.
Well, I mean, yeah,
sure, but I mean,
I see the old team all the
time, even your boyfriend.
Hmm, right, my boyfriend.
Sorry, I just worry about
you, I guess I shouldn't.
[Hagan] Yeah.
Seems like you're
in a good space.
Yeah.
I'm in a really good place.
All right, well,
I gotta go, Dad.
I will talk to you later.
[Hagan] Okay.
Bye.
Bye, kiddo.
[sullen music]
Yup, I see you
guys all the time.
[Max on phone] You have ought to
make this work, right, Herman?
Let that teach you
how money works.
No, what anyone says
is zero, zero, Herman!
Zero, like the hole in the
lining of my bleeding stomach.
I don't work for talent that
can't hold a gig, Herman.
First it was Dancing
with the Stars
and now a walk-on role
in The Running Man.
You dick!
Johnny's got alimony
to pay, Herman.
Why haven't you said anything?
Kl know that sound, Herman..
'Don't hang up..
[groans]
Oh man, why did we have to
kill the one alien species
that knew how to take
these things off.
Agh!
Oh, whoa!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
scare you or disturb you.
You don't scare me.
I ain't scared.
[chuckles]
I'm just reading this book.
That's a menu.
It's a book about menus.
What do you want?
Okay, I guess I don't
really know where to start
or how to put this, but...
I need your help
with something huge.
Oh.
[chuckles]
You're a Boot Groupie.
Uh, I'm sorry, what?
I'm not sure I'm following.
Boot Groupie, you watched
my cartoon Boot Group.
See this cute little
cartoon guy right there
and you go, "You know what",
I wanna meet him in real
life and sit on his face."
'Yeah, I get it..
See you guys all the time.
You wanna take a ride
on the Texas Tornado.
Right?
Be a storm chaser,
all thrill, no bill.
It's nothin' to be ashamed of..
There's a lotta
you guys out there.
But it's cool, I'll be gentle..
What do you say, we just clear
out some of these beer cans
and we can do the
Kentucky boot grizzle.
That's a move I invented, '
but we'll need some
clarified butter.
We can go to the bathroom, if
you're into some freaky stuff.
Hot today, how 'bout
we take off our clothes
and try to hold an
ice cube between us,
and whatever you wanna do is...
Yeah, I um, it's funny
that you're talking about
all this sexual stuff
because there's actually
a little group of us.
Oh, there's more of you?
'Yes, there's plenty of us..
You know, we're just gonna
have a little boot...
scoot, and boogie.
Well, I like that, well,
okay, whoa, oh, oh!
So, anyways, that's
actually why I came,
was just to invite you.
Okay.
So, you're interested, right?
Hey, are there
mustaches in Mexico?
I think so.
Yeah, there are.
There's a lot of them.
Okay, yes, perfect.
I'll put the info in your phone.
I'm gonna give you the address.
Okay, yeah, 90, throw in there.
All right, all right,
well, see you, whoops...
Uh oh, hey hey.
- Little guy.
- How 'bout this?
I'll bring him, we
can have a threesome.
[chuckles]
Maybe.
I'll bring a fresh one though.
I think I already used that.
I will see you... tonight.
All right, I'll see you later.
[laughs]
[Herman] Upsettingly sexy.
Ow.
Still got it,
Herman, still got it.
[birds chirping]
- Ah!
- Shut up.
- Ow!
- Shut up.
- Ow!
- Shut up.
[Receptionist] Zach. - Yo!
[Receptionist] There's
a lovely young woman
here at the front desk..
She says she knows you.
[Zach] Mindy, oh, send her in!
Who's Mindy?
'Shut up..
[office music]
[door opens]
Oh, oh my god, um.
Who the hell are you?
You are Zach Spencer
from Lazer Team, right?
Nope, I'm Zach Spencer from
Team Laser Hair Removal.
What do you want?
I just never imagined
the Zeus cannon
being utilized for
this sort of thing.
[Zach] Yeah, you
wouldn't think so,
but once I started
losing juice, '
this is really the only
job I can do anymore,
and believe it or not, '
the NCAA wasn't lookin'
to scout quarterbacks
with no throwing arm, so
again, what do you want?
[Customer] Ow!
Well, I am here for a client,
someone who would like to get
some laser hair removal done.
Great, set up an appointment.
This person won't
come to the office.
You have to come to their home.
Because I don't do house calls.
Listen, Zach.
Sorry about that, sir.
It tickles.
'Anyways, back to my point, '
they're willing
to pay you double.
[Zach] Double?
[whispering] Ask for more money.
[Maggie] Shut up.
[Customer whispers] Triple it..
How 'bout triple?
Yeah, fine, triple,
but it's an emergency,
and they need you tonight.
An emergency?
Laser hair removal?
Is it a werewolf?
Yes, just gonna write
the address down here.
Be there at 9:00 pm.
Please do not be late.
[Customer] Have a nice evening.
Thank you.
[Customer] How's it lookin'?
Oh, it's lookin' fantastic.
Ow!
[Zach] Shut up!
On tonight's broadcast,
could your home be a
ticking time bomb of death?
Crucial information you
need now [knocking at door]
To stay alive.
Right after sports and weather.
Hey!
- Herman?
- Hagan?
What are you doing here?
[Hagan] What am I, I live here.
What are you doing here?
Oh man, so how many people
we got comin' to
this sex dungeon?
Sex dungeon?
All right, who
ordered a smooth ass?
Hagan, Herman?
Wait, you did not pay for
a two-for-one laser razor.
Complimentary hair removal,
that is nice orgy host touch.
Orgy?
What are you goin'
to orgies for?
Don't you have crabs?
I'm just the mascot.
Does Michael Jordan
actually play basketball.
Yes.
Listen, I'll stay for the
sex, just no eye contact.
I know how it works.
What the hell is going on here?
I can explain.
My name is Dr. Maggie
Whittington
and months ago, I received
an encrypted alien signal
that led to the direct
brutal kidnapping
of your friend, Woodrow Johnson,
and I brought you
all here tonight
because I need your
help to get him back.
Okay, who the hell is this?
Oh, this is my Boot Groupie.
Ew, no.
What?
All right, everyone sit down
and let me show you something.
So, Woody's missin', huh?
And he was never the brightest,
unless you count the time
when became the brightest.
Can I ask, why did
you all disband
after Pegasus was defunded?
You serious?
I haven't seen
these guys in years.
They could barely keep us
together to save the planet,
much less keep us together
to not save planet.
Yeah, these guys are assholes.
Thanks.
Also, is no one gonna
comment on how Hagan's
doin' his laundry in
sink like a poor person?
[laughs]
Yeah man, that's some serious
divorced dad stuff right there.
You know, Herman, this is
actually pretty progressive.
This is the way they
do it in Europe.
Oh yeah, what part
of Europe, Syria?
There's some refugees tryin'
to escape from your laundry.
Why don't you just grow up.
[laughing]
Okay, just forget
I said anything.
Look, your friend,
he needs your help.
Oh, what happened,
did he get a corn dog
stuck in his air vent again?
No, he's stuck somewhere
across the galaxy.
The galaxy?
Oh boy, here comes
the exposition.
I used to work for the
Defense Extraterrestrial
Intelligence Agency.
I was head of
Intergalactic Cryptography.
Intergalactic Cryptogr...,
aren't you a little
bit young for that?
Isaac Newton discovered
gravity when he was 25, okay?
- Ooh, diss.
- Ooh, got him.
Like you guys even
know who that is.
Yeah, dude, he invented
Apple computers.
That was Bill Gates, dumb ass.
Look, after Pegasus
was shut down,
I was reassigned to
work with Woodrow.
Ahh, Woodrow.
I don't sound like that.
I don't sound like
that, I'm a nerd.
I'm not wearing glasses.
It's, you sound, she
sounds like she is.
You should be.
I don't know if
that's racist or...
It's nerd, you're a
nerd, he's a nerd.
Zach.
You remember what we learned
about lettin' smart people talk?
No.
We were trying to see what
benefits we could derive
from Antarean technology
when, out of no where,
we got a new kind of message.
It was completely
different and foreign.
It wasn't Antarean..
It was coordinates and
directions on how to
build a rift.
I think you mean a raft.
No, no, a rift.
Dr. Woodrow, when I
finished the translation,
I realized that this
might compensate
for the Heisenberg
uncertainty principle.
That's quite brilliant,
Dr. Whittington.
That calibration
may be all we need
to hold the particle flux.
[Maggie recording] Thank you..
I think that we
should celebrate.
Would you, um, like
to go out some time
or we could even
just grab a coffee.
[Woody] No thank you.
Coffee increases my
need to defecate.
And I feel like we should
concentrate on science
and not evacuating our bowels.
Huh uh.
[Maggie recording] I
already evacuated my bowels.
[Woody] I take caffeine as
a suppository sometimes.
[Maggie recording] Um,
I'll have to try that.
[Maggie] Moving on.
[whirring]
I don't understand.
The magnetosphere
should've held.
I think it might be my fault.
[Woody] Are you wearing
the Antarean crystal?
[Maggie recording] Oh,
the gift that you gave me.
'I left it on your desk'
so you could study the
harmonic balancing properties.
Right.
Is something gonna
happen in this
or is this just a greatest hits
of Woody not havin' any game?
Yeah, is it possible to die
from watching someone
else's embarrassment?
Okay, all right,
fine, here's the rift.
[dramatic music]
[Woody] It's holding.
It's a stable rift.
Whoa!
Day 343, Dr. Whittington
and I successfully
induced the
Einstein-Rosen bridge,
sometimes colloquially
known as a rift or wormhole.
We're using coordinates
from a distant place.
[screams]
[screaming]
What was that?
[Maggie] The rift shut
before I could get to him.
A few days later, I
was able to reopen it,
and we sent a team
to help save him,
but all they came
back with was this.
They cut off his head!
You killed him!
It's his helmet.
Your friend is lost
somewhere in outer space.
He's being stalked
by a horrific alien,
and you guys are the only people
who can help save him.
Woody got his helmet off.
He took it off.
Yeah, but more importantly,
he needs your help.
But more importantly,
Woody got his helmet off,
which means he can help us
get our busted shit off too.
That means I can
get these boots off,
fix 'em, and go on
Dancing with the Stars.
I can be normal again.
But before that, we
could go into space
and fight aliens and
be Lazer Team again.
Okay, you know what,
I really don't care
what your reasons are, but we
need to get going, all right,
while I still have access
to the lab to open the rift.
Fine, but I'm not
sittin' next to
these two assholes for
the whole trip, deal?
Sure, deal.
Son of a bitch, move over.
I can't breathe.
What is that smell?
It's my cologne,
Ode de Boot by Herb.
Shut up back there.
We're approaching the base.
It's either there
or up Hagan's butt.
What do you want?
- In his butt.
- Face, no his face...
[on TV] is more of a
hero than anyone else.
You're hoggin' the
spotlight jackass.
Oh.
I think we stopped.
[on TV] Everyone here
is either laser...
Hi, Ralph.
Can you open the gate?
Dr. Whittington, what are
you doing here so late?
Are you burning the
midnight oil tonight?
You know, I have some
work I need to finish.
But I don't have you
on any of my registries
for coming in this late.
But Ralph, I just wanna
put in those extra hours.
Come on.
[muffled yelling]
What you talkin' about?
You're like such...
What was that?
I think that... was your TV.
[dramatic music]
I got a little cutty that'll
remodel a gas station.
Woo woo!
[laughs]
Boot Group, classic.
Boot Group, you know
what I'm talkin' about?
Who was your favorite character?
That kooky landlord...
Gustafson, do you know
that I'm the dumbest?
Boot Group.
[laughing]
Oh, doc, that doesn't
deserve another season?
It's all these educated
types like yourself,
but not you, you're
a Boot Groupie,
it's the ones who get up
there on their ivory towers
and they're like, you know what,
Boot Group's not good enough
and I think it's 'cause
it stars a black guy,
but I'm not gonna start that.
You go on through.
Thanks, Ralph, you're the best.
[Zach] I hope you die.
'I'm gonna murder you myself..
I'm gonna cut you into pieces.
I'm gonna throw
you in the water.
I'm gonna stomp your
faces in with my boot.
I hate both of you.
I miss this.
Here's your power problem.
[beeping]
Looks like the male end
fell out of the female end,
but you should be good now.
[Evelyn] So, am I turned on?
[tense music]
No?
[Evelyn] Wrong.
Stand up, soldier.
[slow funk music]
[deep sniff]
I know what you're thinking.
She's a powerful woman,
hell bent on pegging
every weasely-face
little man she sees.
Weasely?
I don't know if I would.
(Whoops)!-
[Evelyn] Sure, I've cited every
type of combat known to man,
but I still need care...
and tenderness and the
type of tantric lovemaking
that's only possible
with a man like you.
Thank you for saying
that, that's really...
[slaps]
Wait, tantric?
Oh oh, all right.
Yeah, back in the lab, okay.
Ooh, what is this?
Uh, it's a coffee maker.
[Herman] Okay, an
alien coffee maker.
[Maggie] No, it's a
regular coffee maker.
Uh, hey, somebody broke
somethin' over there.
Do not touch anything
in the lab, okay?
There's a lot of important
equipment in here.
Yeah, sure, but how do
you turn on the jet pack?
[Herman] Oh, I think
it's that button up top.
[Zach] It's got a
button, where's that at?
[Maggie] Do no do that, stop it.
There's gas in there.
Please do not do that.
I'm trying to take off.
[Maggie] Stop that.
Jump, just jump.
[Maggie] Just shut
up, all right?
Listen, Woodrow made you
guys new Lazer Team suits.
These are calibrated to
fit your body exactly.
[triumphant music]
Oh!
Um, we don't typically
shop at the Baby Gap.
No, you got a shrink ray.
No, they stretch.
So, does it stretch
over the jet pack?
It's not gonna stretch
over the jet pack.
You're taking that off.
Well, I'll take the jet
pack off and put the suit on
and then put the
jet pack back on.
No, you're not, you're
not gonna need a jet pack
when we go through the wormhole.
When do we get our jet packs?
No one, no one else is
getting a jet pack, okay?
[upbeat music]
[glass shattering]
[Hagan] Uh, another
thing broke itself.
Hey, you lookin' good Hagan.
[Hagan] I think it's the black.
- Yeah, yeah.
- They say it's slimming.
Oh, yeah, black
don't crack, man.
Guys, you guys look fantastic.
Okay, so listen, this
is the translocator.
[eerie music]
That's it?
That little thing?
Why didn't you build something
cool, like a DeLorean?
We're not time traveling.
Don't let the size
of it fool you, okay?
It's gonna drain this
whole place of power.
It takes a lot of energy
to connect two points
across the galaxy, but
for a smaller distance...
I just have one
little question about
your space nugget there.
How exactly does
it create a rift?
[exciting music]
Ooh you.
Well, that's cool.
Oh, wow!
That's some Looney
Tunes stuff right there.
Eh, I've seen better.
Okay, well how 'bout this?
[beeping] [whirring]
Ah!
[laughing]
That's not that funny.
Hold on a second.
Okay, two can play at that game.
[beeping]
Dude, it's an
intergalactic glory hole.
Jeez, I can't wait until the day
my daughter breaks up with you.
Oh yeah, well joke's on you
because she already
did three weeks ago.
Oh.
Aw.
That's sad.
Oh yeah, is it
sad that I'm gonna
spend the rest of my life alone?
[Hagan] Isn't it?
Kid, you wanna talk about it?
Ahhhh!
Come on!
[giggling]
Never gets old.
[groovy music]
This seems like a
lotta hard work.
Tell ya a secret Vandenbloom, '
ever since I joined DETIA,
I've been watching you.
Really?
That's, uh,
sweet.
I've been watching you with
more than just my eyes.
And, I'm promoting you...
to just beneath me.
Like, a real promotion?
[Evelyn] Actually, yes it is.
How does executive officer
second in command sound?
Okay.
P When it's bright time'
p Bring the dream'
[gasping]
[buzzing]
Damn it!
[suspenseful music]
[groaning] [screaming]
Okay everyone, the
rift is stable.
It's time to 90, single file.
That's the size
of the alien dong
comin' through that thing.
[Herman] Ooh, I
gotta call my agent.
Hey, Max, I'm not gonna
make it to Bitcon.
Where does he keep a phone?
[dramatic music]
Hand over the device,
Miss Whittington.
Friend of yours?
No!
Vandenbloom?
Hey guys.
Why don't you have pants on?
It's cold in here.
That was an order.
I won't ask again.
It's Dr. Whittington, and no.
Back your shit up, G.I. Jane.
You want her, you
gotta come through us.
Charge your laser, kid.
[Zach] It doesn't
charge, it just shoots.
She doesn't know that.
Just look menacing.
What, you think I can't
take down Lazer Team?
Dad Bod, Baby Face,
Flat-footed Loser.
[groans]
[grunting, crash, zap]
Shit, I blew my laser load.
[high energy music]
Huh?
[grunting]
Sorry, kid.
[Herman] Look out, Hagan.
Oh, we've never had that before.
Boot Group!
[yelling]
Oh oh.
[tense music]
I'm gonna really enjoy this.
[beeping]
[mumbles]
[peaceful music]
[groaning]
[Maggie] Here, let me help you.
Get off me, I don't
need your help.
Okay everyone, the rift
is growing unstable.
If we don't leave now, we
may not be able to reopen it.
[beeping]
[dramatic music]
[Zach] Crap.
[Maggie] You too Hagan.
Go.
OK.
[suspenseful music]
[yelling]
[groans]
[yelling]
[groaning]
Where's Maggie?
[dramatic music]
You're not going anywhere.
[grunting]
I hope I don't have to do a
press conference about this.
[yelling]
[splat]
I found Maggie.
[dramatic music]
Oh my god.
[epic music]
I can't believe we're in space.
I never thought we'd get here.
Dude, no one did.
I can't believe Lazer
Team went to space
in their second adventure.
I wish Mindy could see this.
[Herman] I wish my
fans could see this.
[Zach] Fans.
[Herman] Man,
I got tons of fans.
[Zach] Ceiling fans.
I hate to bring
down the mood here,
but there's a chance that
this might be a one-way trip.
Say what?
One way, what does that mean?
You can't get us back?
You know, I never used this
to transport five people,
so I didn't realize that
it would sap all the power.
And you didn't bring
any extra plutonium.
It's not a DeLorean.
But it could've been.
We just have to
find Woodrow, okay?
Because clearly, he's
the only one smart enough
out of you bozos to
be able to figure out
how to make this
thing work again.
What do we do about her?
[Herman] Ah, she's dead.
[Zach] Yeah, let's
just leave her.
Yeah, I agree.
[Maggie] Okay, I don't like her.
Guys!
We're Lazer Team, we're heroes,
and we are not going to
abandon a fellow human being.
[growling]
[suspenseful music]
That's that monster
that molested Woody.
The Hentai thing?
Yeah.
Shit, I'm still out of juice.
Here's the plan.
We ditch this chick.
When the monster eats her,
we just make a run for it.
Okay, but where do we
make a run for, man?
There's no where to go.
Ooh, ooh, the vents,
we can hide in them.
I can't fit in that.
I'll suck it in, NI suck it in.
[dramatic music]
[Zach] Oh, what is that smell?
Oh my god, is that Herman?
I thought you smelled
bad on the outside.
[Herman] It's not me.
It must be comin'
from somewhere else.
[Hagan] It's your upper lip.
Hey lady, how we
gonna find Woody
crawlin' through these
vents, John McClane style?
Yeah, and how do we know this
isn't some kind of a trap?
Look, I-I don't know if
it's not a trap, okay?
I don't know why Woody
was brought here,
and I definitely don't
know what that smell is.
At least 60% Herman.
Come on.
You guys are not
helping, all right,
and this is our only
option right now,
so unless any of you...
[screaming]
- Oh shit!
- What's goin' on?
The Hentai monster,
it clocked her.
Holy shit.
Grab the helmet.
Shit, go back, go
back, it's comin' back.
Go, shoot it with your laser.
[Zach] Move back!
I can't move back.
[Zach] Go back, 90 back!
Oh, hell no!
Get your ass out of my face.
Oh, good god.
Hey!
[Herman] Oh man.
That was the worst
experience of my life.
[Hagan] I can breathe again.
[Herman] Hagan, you ain't
a half ass, you a full ass.
[groaning]
I never thought
I'd miss the trunk.
What, are you stuck in there?
[Zach] No, it's Woody's helmet.
His head's too fat..
Um, guys.
Ooh.
[suspenseful music]
Hello.
Oh, I thought you guys were.
Oh, hey, are you lost?
Because I used to
be a police officer.
Look, we're pest control.
You guys have a octopus problem
or somethin' in your vents
and we uh, you know
what, we come in peace.
Come on, give it to 'em.
What is that?
I can't do the other one.
What the?
I can't do it either.
[Herman] Neither one
of y'all can do this?
I can roll my tongue...
Yeah, we're not
stickin' our tongue out
at these guys, right?
Whoa!
Lollipop Guild here doesn't
know who they're dealin' with.
Prepare to eat some
laser, bitches.
[beeping]
Okay, unfortunate there.
Uh, you guys are about
to get your asses kicked.
A'ight, let's just go easy 'em.
[groaning]
Maybe we took it a
little too easy on 'em.
Yeah, you think?
[tense music]
[clanking]
[Arklosh] Greetings,
oh champions of Earth.
No way.
What a pleasure to be joined
by the famous Lazer Team.
Antareans.
I knew I smelled sore losers.
Did you hear him call us famous?
Yeah.
I am Admiral Arklosh,
High Commander of
the Antarean fleet.
Hey, look, I'm gonna
be real with ya,
these old guys
here, they forced me
to blow up your ship last time.
I'm on your side.
Guys, I'm gaining his trust.
Yeah, but you're losing ours.
Your interference of
my ship is disturbing
but will soon be rectified.
But first, a little
housekeeping.
Housekeeping?
[Arklosh] It's only
going to sting a little.
[Zach] Herman what's
he doing, tell me.
I think they might
be castrating us.
Castrating!
[Herman] Yeah, I hope not!
Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm
good, don't touch my dick!
Don't touch my dick!
[screams]
[laughing]
[dramatic music]
Are you guys okay?
Am I okay?
Hell yeah, I'm okay!
I finally got this cannon off!
What is that smell?
Yeah, my feet might
be a wee stinky.
Smells like somebody just
threw up five pounds of cheese.
Hey man, you think Michael
Jackson's hand smelled good
after he took off
the sequined glove?
And he was the King of Pop.
Huh?
Aw, see, they're gonna
try to be Lazer Team now.
Don't worry, guys.
It's gonna be okay.
[All] Whoa!
Sweet dreams, Lazer Team.
[dreamy music]
[grunting]
What the hell is this place?
A La Quinta, what you think?
We're in some kinda
crazy alien space jail.
It's so weird to
have my hand back.
It's so weird to be in a
David Lynch music video.
I don't think it's so bad.
I can hold shit again.
[laughs]
[Herman] Where'd
you get a chair?
It was already in here,
along with a tire swing
and these awesome leaves.
[Herman] Leaves?
Yeah, they're mine, so back off.
Yeah, whatever.
Y'all stupid, I'm outta here.
Aw, shoot.
Later.
[groans]
[laughing]
[suspenseful music]
Whoa.
Look at all of 'em.
[buzzing]
[low dramatic music]
[leaves crunching]
Uh, hey guys.
I don't think we're in a prison.
We're in a zoo.
What?
If this is a zoo and
they got us on display,
they need pay me.
I guess they're just collecting
a bunch of different
species for some reason.
Hagan?
Yeah, kid.
Do you, do you think
we're the monkeys?
[grumbling]
I'm afraid so, Zach.
Nooooo!
Wait, come on, calm down.
Just keep your heads and we'll
figure out a way out of this.
[screaming]
Aw man, we're never
gettin' outta here.
I deserve this.
[Hagan] You don't deserve this.
Yeah, I do.
It's from all those
times I went to the zoo
and threw peppermints
at the animals.
Peppermints?
Why didn't you throw
something heavier?
Because... peppermints
make animals poop.
Like, you go to the zoo,
tiger's just laying there,
throw him some peppermints,
tiger gonna poop.
Mister fox bein' lazy,
throw him some peppermints,
fox'll get up then,
and then he'll poop.
But one time, I threw
peppermints at a chinchilla.
Little guy tried to eat
the peppermint whole.
I can still remember his eyes.
I killed the chinchilla.
I killed the chinchilla!
Okay, Jesus, where
did that come from?
It was so funny though.
Can we forget about
him for a second
and focus on escaping?
[male voice] I reckon
I can help with that.
[suspense music building]
Howdy, y'all!
- Woody!
- All right, all right.
- What's up?
- Good to see you, man.
[laughing]
Bust us outta here, water boy.
Yeah, get us out of here,
so we can rescue you.
[Woody] Glad you're here,
Sheriff, Drunk, Football.
Oh, right.
So, you're dumb Woody now.
[Zach] Yeah, lost his helmet.
Yeah, we thought you were dead.
We thought you got
turned into space 900.
What you been up to?
Not a lot, been thinkin' about
gettin' back into
racin' dune buggies.
Might get a pet snake.
- But Woody.
- Yup.
Escape now, talk later.
Knew I came to do somethin'.
Came up with a plan
and everything.
Oh great, you made a plan?
It's not my plan.
It's his.
God's?
Nope, smart me wrote a bunch
of notes for good-lookin' me
to follow from time to
time, like this one.
Do this if Lazer
Team gets captured.
Let, library them.
Here, let me see it,
what does it say?
Liberate, that
says liberate them.
That's a hard word.
It's a tough word.
What's that?
Just read the next note, 90.
Approach controls and press
the button for their cell.
[beeping]
[dramatic music]
Aw, turds.
He's a real killer too.
Aw, we're gonna die in here.
Not that button, the other one.
- Aw man.
- There we go.
Woody, you did it!
I say, man, ain't nobody
tryin' to hug you.
Nice work, Woody, don't
forget escaping was my plan.
Woody, thank you,
and I really hope you know
where we're goin' now.
Sure do.
Catch up, idiot, they left.
[suspenseful music]
[Reporter] We now go live
to a DETIA press conference
where Lieutenant Vandenbloom
has just taken the podium
for a major announcement.
So, turns out when you
get made second in command
and your boss vanishes
through a wormhole,
suddenly, you become
first in command.
Who knew?
Okay, are you suggesting
that Major Kilborne
was sucked through a wormhole?
I'm not suggesting anything..
I'm telling you.
Do you know why?
Because I'm in charge
now, little whiny baby.
Okay.
What's, he a writer
for Baby Boy Monthly?
You know, a week ago,
I wouldn't be allowed to say,
Dr. Woodrow has been transported
to an alien spacecraft
and all of the members of
Lazer Team are with him,
but now, I get to wear
flip flops to work,
so you tell me.
How do you like me
now, Closed-toe Carl?
Dad!
[footsteps]
Hey Woody, can you do this?
Yeah, I love Star War.
See, I told ya.
Hey, Woody, we're real sorry
we lost your helmet, bud.
Oh, that's okay,
I lost it first.
How do you like the
new super britches?
Britches?
You wear these
under your clothes?
Oh, I never take mine off.
Makes bath time
take longer though.
Can't wait for you to
meet my new friend.
[Zach] Since when
do you have friends?
Oh!
Ew, what is that smell?
Nasty.
Maggie!
Maggie?
Thank god, are you okay?
[Herman] We thought
that octopus ate you.
Okay.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Did you find Woodrow?
Nope, I found y'all.
Ah, Woodrow!
[chuckles]
You... have a mullet.
Aw, it'll grow on you.
It grew on me.
Well, your theory was correct.
We were able to bring
multiple subjects
through the rift using
the translocator.
You're real pretty.
Um, why do you sound so...
Stupid?
Redneck?
Country?
Handsome?
Oh, okay.
Oh, Woody never mentioned
what he was like
before the helmet.
[Hagan] Oh.
Your armor, it's all gone.
What happened to it?
Yeah, we lost it.
The Antareans got it
and they destroyed it.
But not without a fight.
Aw yeah, they were huge.
I pulled this bone
outta one of 'em.
That's a finger bone.
Okay, well, we just need
to get the armor back
because we need
the smart Woodrow.
He's the only one who
can fix the translocator.
Oh, that thing.
I bet my friend can
get that gizmo a jump.
Wait, you have another friend?
[growling]
[yelling]
Hey, don't be rude.
Everybody, this is Duolos.
Duolos, these are my pads..
[growls]
Gah.
Ah!
Radio's a little outta
tune there, Duolos.
[grumbling]
Apologies.
I didn't mean to frighten
the great Lazer Team.
What the hell, Woody?
Now you're friends
with evil Zoidberg?
[Duolos] Forgive me.
My only intention was
to reunite Lazer Team.
You see, Dudes needs us..
It's the reason we're all here.
Duolos needs alight
batter, a quick fry,
and some lemon pepper sauce.
[tense music]
I am Duolos, keeper
of the Galactic Games.
You should have a nicer office.
I was enslaved by the
Antareans eons ago
for my superior
calculation skills.
Do you understand?
Yeah, you're a nerd.
We get it.
Zach, come on.
I am a Ludon, the
last of my race.
I've watched the games wipe
out entire civilizations
and many lives, many champions
until the Antareans
came to Earth
and were bested by you..
After you replaced the
fallen champion Adam,
you didn't just
beat you opponents,
you beat the Antareans.
'This has never
happened before..
You're welcome, spaghetti face.
No thanks necessary.
Thanks?
You ruined the galaxy!
Yeah, we sorta screwed
the space pooch.
How would saving our planet
ruin the galaxy
for everyone else?
After your victory, the
Antareans were merciless.
They were afraid more
planets would rise up,
so they destroyed
one after the other.
[dramatic music]
Including my own.
What about the champions?
You already met them.
Oh, the snail!
[laughs]
We let him out.
What?
We let him out of the cage.
It's one of the deadliest
creatures in the galaxy.
Oh my god, so wait a minute,
the best day of my life
was the worst day for
the rest of the universe?
What the hell, man?
You brought us all the
way across the galaxy
just to piss on our parade?
You need to finish
what you started.
Here on the Antarean mothership.
Look, we didn't start this.
We just trying to survive.
Perhaps, but no other
champion in history
used the suit as you did.
Champion armor is only as
strong as the person inside it.
By each taking a piece,
you became something more.
Well, newsflash Squidward,
we don't have the armor.
The Antareans took it from us.
[Maggie] I can't believe
you lost the helmet.
Are you sure you don't
know where it is?
[Herman] Are we sure?
It got incinerated, lady.
I didn't realize that.
You are the dumbest
smart person I ever met.
I have this bone.
No, Maggie, it's okay.
Smart me left all
these notes for...
No, it's all right.
It's not gonna help.
However, the Antareans have been
working on an
experimental suit of armor
for the upcoming
Bi-millennial Games.
Ooh ooh, look at those boots!
It's powered by the same
crystal your translocator uses.
[Woody] Oh, I've
seen that before.
Smart me gave one to Maggie.
Yeah, your necklace.
We saw it in the videos.
This thing can power
the translocator.
Well, yes, but...
Sweet, pop that bad
boy in the rift maker
and let's go home.
Well, wait, don't you
wanna put on the new armor?
Forget the armor, if there's
a way to get back home,
to get back to
Mindy, I'm takin' it.
Maggie, crystal.
Well, I, I mean, I lost it, I...
You lost it?
Calm down, okay.
You guys lost your armor.
Don't get mad at me.
We didn't lose it,
it got taken away
from us and burned up.
So basically, there's no
way for us to get home.
Well, if you put
on the new armor
and help me defeat
the Antareans,
I can help get you home.
[buzzing]
They're coming!
Quickly, this way.
[dramatic music]
We either must go down here or
down the ventilation system.
The vents?
No, no, you're not going
through the vents again, no way.
I don't recommend this.
Oh, you don't recommend it?
I bet you don't.
Have fun in the air
vents, human centipede.
[yelling]
That's not the playground.
[Herman] Me next!
[Zach] Here, guard this.
You must help me convince
them to defeat the Antareans.
They must unite as one
to save the galaxy.
Uh, yeah.
[dramatic music]
[Hagan] What is this place?
[Woody] Ew, you all
think it's nuclear?
[Zach] Aw, the
radiation's probably gonna
melt our balls off..
I don't think it's radioactive.
If it was, our insides
would be boiling right now.
Just try not to get it in
your eyes or your mouth.
Ugh, gross dude.
[groans]
[laughing]
[Maggie] Herman, just try to
get it off very carefully.
[groaning]
Hey, it's good.
What the hell, Herman?
Oh, oh yeah.
[Zach] What are you doing?
Taste it.
Let's check the flavor savor.
No, Woodrow, don't.
Oh, Woody, come on.
[Zach] Whoa, mama.
Uh huh, what do you think it is?
[hatch opens]
Did you hear that?
Shh.
[alien groans]
Oh, shit.
[groaning]
[coughing and gagging]
I hate space.
Herman, what the
hell are you doing?
Did you see where
that just came from?
Hey look, guys, Michael
Phelps eats chicken nuggets,
and he knows what's in those,
and he's one like
80 gold medals, so.
There's not shit
in chicken nuggets.
Well, there's shit in
this and it's delicious.
[gagging]
[playful music]
Okay, I think this is it.
Please let there be a
shower in this room.
Watch out!
[dramatic music]
Oh good, you made it.
I started to worry.
Started to worry?
You sent us through
the ship's toilet.
A delicious toilet, might I add.
Look at that.
[inspirational music]
[Duolos] I wanted you
to see the new armor.
With this, we can fight together
and destroy the Antareans.
When they are defeated,
I will help you go home.
But if we crack this open,
we get the crystal out of it,
we can use that to go home?
Well yes, but then the Antareans
will never see justice.
Okay, there you have it.
I mean, you guys are Lazer
Team and we should help Duolos.
[Herman] Well, of course
we're puttin' 'em on.
I mean, I got the second
season of Boot Group.
I gotta sell that
pubic lice spray.
'Come on, guys..
Zach, come on, man.
Put it on, shoot a laser.
- No.
- What?
The last piece of power armor's
the whole reason I lost
Mindy to begin with.
Let's go home.
Okay, but Woodrow can
keep the helmet on, right?
Like the original armor,
all pieces must be worn
for it to activate.
You're tryin' real hard to
get me in that brain bucket.
I just wanna save you.
Save me or save him?
[Duolos] No, no, this is bad.
Woody.
Woodrow, this is not
what we had discussed.
You know, I used to think that
finding this suit of power
was the most important thing
that ever happened to any
of us, but I gotta admit,
it's brought us nothing
but trouble and misery.
We came to get
Woody, we got Woody.
We're goin' home.
Well, you've made your choice.
Obviously, you're just
a waste of my time.
They chose that,
I have a meeting
at the Cartoon Network next
week and it would just...
[growls]
You are all cowards.
I expected more from
the brave Lazer Team.
I wish you would have
never taken the armor
from the true champion.
Your cowardice has
now sealed your fate.
[zap]
[gasping]
Duolos!
[suspenseful music]
So, I got the squid
thingy for ya.
You're welcome.
He wasn't the bad guy.
Oh no, really?
I'm just kidding, I don't care.
Kilborne, what the
hell are you doing?
I'm under new management.
Thank you.
Angry Earthwoman, please
escort these pests
to a better view of the
destruction of their world.
[laughing]
What?
Destruction of our...?
Earth chose the wrong champion.
Now, it's gonna pay
the ultimate price.
[dramatic music]
This makes no sense.
You're head of DETIA.
It's your job to save the planet
and help the champions of Earth.
I am helping the champion,
well, the one who was supposed
to be champion anyway.
Okay, what?
[sighs]
Of course you idiots don't know.
DETIA trained two
children from birth...
Adam and Eve.
I knew that beating
felt familiar.
My brother Adam died
in the Antarean arena.
Okay, is that what
this is about?
That your brother died?
We were working with Adam.
He was our friend.
I can't believe he
didn't die sooner.
He was so sentimental and weak.
And I got to spend the rest
of my life as a plan B.
I would've been perfectly
happy just dismantling DETIA,
and now with the Antareans,
I get to take my rightful
place as champion,
but I'm playing for the
team that's gonna win.
[dramatic music]
Okay, I read that
situation entirely wrong.
[Herman] Bit off on that one.
[rhythmic drum music]
Please, Kilborne, you
don't have to do this.
It's not too late.
You're right.
[suspenseful music]
Now, it's too late.
Why do you want that?
It's useless to you.
Because I know you want it.
Now, we've almost reached Earth,
so why don't you just grab
a snack, enjoy the show,
and then it's back
to your cages...
for the rest of your life.
Later loser team.
[chuckles]
She said something
about a snack.
You guys know
anything about that?
[doors slam]
Dark days for DETIA
as they're funding
has been all but
completely eliminated.
Sources say, a reclusive
Lieutenant Vandenbloom
had sequestered himself in an
abandoned government facility.
Vandenbloom!
Mindy?
Where's my dad?
Where's Zach and what
is this wormhole?
I'm sorry, okay,
I'm not giving away
any more top secret
information today.
Come back next week.
I'll buy you a froyo.
Do I really look like somebody
who can be bribed so easily?
That over there is where
Woody made the wormhole
and then he was abducted, okay?
And then Lazer went to rescue him
and we lost all
communication with them,
and I think there's definitely
no way they're coming back.
Oh my god.
They comin' back!
I knew it!
What?
The translocator operates at
a unique harmonic frequency.
Right now, it looks like
they're just beyond
the orbit of the moon.
[dramatic music]
Congratulations, Lazer Team.
We're gonna go down in history
as the destroyers
of the universe.
I can't believe I finally
got the stupid cannon off
and I can't even get
back to show Mindy.
I can't even say goodbye.
[Hagan] You know what
the worst part is?
She doesn't even
know what's comin'.
None of them do..
God, I spent so much time
trying to go to space,
but all I ever care about
is what's back home.
Everything I care
about is right here.
[footsteps]
You guys, I'm sorry.
What the hell is that?
Come on, now, what are you,
you could've beamed
us back at any time.
No, I couldn't.
Well, yeah, I could've, but
if we left without the helmet,
Woodrow would never
be the same again.
I just wanted him
to be his old self.
But I am my old self.
No, she means your,
"Oh, Mary Poppins,
"spot of tea," aluminum self.
[tense music]
There's gotta be a
solution in here.
Without my helmet, my head brain
never comes up with
the right thing to say.
Now, I can talk
from my chest brain.
Margaret, I don't
need my helmet on
to know what you mean to me.
[peaceful music]
Oh, Woody!
Woody's not gay?
It's a nice moment,
let him have it.
[peaceful music]
[dramatic music]
I ruined everything.
It's all my fault.
No, it's not.
It's all our fault.
You win as a team and
you lose as a team.
Well, Herman, we sure do seem
to be doin' a lot of losing.
Like, Duolos said, when it
comes to screwin' up big time,
we crush that shit.
But you know what?
It may not be a plate of
ribs, but win or lose,
we go out to eat after the game.
Bony ah .
A peppermint?
Just wonder how we're
gonna split this five ways.
Oh, come on now.
Dude, that was the last
mint in the galaxy.
Not quite, A-B-A-M,
always bring another mint.
You kiddin' me with this guy.
Don't worry, party's
not over yet.
'Aw, come on'.'!
[gagging]
Just me?
Guys, guys, huddle,
huddle, come here.
Look, they're distracted.
'We got one shot at this, okay?
Maggie, Herman, you
guys go for their legs.
Woody, Zach, get your hands
on one of those blasters.
Kid, you got one
shot at this, okay?
I got this.
[groaning]
Or that could happen.
Damn!
Dude, you chinchilla'd them!
[laughing]
[Maggie] Guys, I have an idea.
[dramatic music]
[Arklosh] For your help
in capturing Lazer Team,
the champion armor is now yours.
Finally, the real
champion gets her armor.
This helmet...
doesn't belong to you.
Now!
[exciting music]
[groaning]
[blasters firing]
[grunting]
Zach, come on, same team!
My bad.
Lazer Team, suit up!
It won't activate fill
all the pieces are on.
Quick, they're sending
reinforcements!
Ya think?
Woody!
Helmet!
[groaning]
[tense music]
Woody!
That armor is mine.
Takes more than armor
to be a champion.
That's right, the champion
does what it takes to win.
[grunts]
[yells]
That was an upgrade.
[triumphant music]
You're welcome.
A light sword, huh kid?
I call it a laser saber.
[whirring] [Zach
mimicking whirring]
Yeah, you know, you don't
need to make the noises.
It does that on its own.
[Zach] Yeah, but
it's more fun though.
[laughs]
[Hagan] Thanks.
Maggie.
Welcome back, Woodrow!
Ooh ooh, yeah!
Okay, this new armor is
definitely different.
Maybe we take a second,
figure out how it works.
Or just wing it.
Or we just go with
the usual plan.
Let's just get the
translocator off of Kilborne
and get outta here.
That Kilborne?
Come on!
I knew I shoulda
stabbed her more.
Yeah, who needs a plan?
'Plans are boring..
I'm just leader, what do I know?
Guys, the one with the
shield goes in front!
[upbeat rock music]
Wait, you guys, stop.
Where are we going?
Enemies incoming.
Where?
Everywhere.
Lazer Team, form up.
[blasters firing]
Targeting on.
Dude, this is bad ass.
I can hit everything!
Boot Group!
[upbeat rock music]
A little help here.
I don't have a weapon.
Hagan, try your
secondary function.
What?
[beeping]
[laughs]
Look at that, kid,
boomerang shield.
That's way better than a sword.
Bad ass, Hagan.
Check this out.
[laser firing]
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
[suspenseful music]
They just launched
an entire fleet
of alien ships to
destroy us, sir.
Good luck gettin'
past that space wall.
That's no where near complete.
What about the turret gun?
Oh, that actually works,
but we haven't tested
the controls yet.
Oh, we're doin' this.
It's on that one over there.
That computer?
Okay.
[tense music]
The password's pewpew123.
[Vandenbloom] Thank
you very much.
Kilborne's getting away.
Keep track of her.
We gotta find her before she
destroys the translocator.
[Hagan] Okay, everyone split up.
'Go, go, go'.'!
[yelling]
[dramatic music]
Damn, I'm stuck.
[grunts]
Damn. Gravity. Boots.
Okay, that should do it.
[electronic music]
Here they come.
[dramatic music]
How do you think Zach's doin'?
[Zach screaming]
[laser cannon whirring]
Die, die, die!
[laughing]
Zach, there's four
people on the team.
You don't have to
kill all of them.
[beeping]
[Vandenbloom] Uh!
Get 'em, Vandenbloom.
Yip!
Yeah!
Woo!
Get back here, you
little bastard!
I think he's got
that hallway covered.
Ooh!
[laser blasting]
Maggie!
Use your science.
Get her!
Oh, I am gonna enjoy this.
[bam]
Oh!
Thanks, Woody, we
were just about to...
[Hagan] Yeah. [Herman]
Get in to help.
New feature.
I got it, let's go.
Oh my god.
He's really doing it!
[beeping]
[turret gun firing]
Here we go!
Aw, awesome!
[blasting]
[screaming]
[tense music]
[Antareans over speaker]
Oh shit.
We have to move now!
[dramatic music]
Now, we only have enough
power for one rift.
We don't know how long
until the dark
matter ray is online.
[Hagan] Oh, ship.
If there's another
laser in there, dibs.
Why would you want
another laser?
'Cause I'll have two lasers.
[Hagan] Yeah, but
then you got no hands.
Yeah, but then I have a
laser sword and a gun.
You're an idiot.
Take the helmet.
Aw, guys, I'm pickin' up
an enormous power surge.
We don't have much time.
Oh man, I'll you
what, we are screwed.
Wet willy.
We could wet willy them.
I think she's going crazy.
Everybody, get in the ship.
Oh no, I'm not gettin'
crammed into a box
with these two again.
Well, it's either that
or we're all gonna die.
Woody, do you think you know
how to fly one of these?
Well, I did successfully
open a wormhole
on the hyper surface
of space time,
and also, it has
autopilot, so yeah.
Where the hell do you
think you're going?
Just slow down for a second.
Lady, you got issues, one
of which is not dying.
Failures like you can't kill me
'cause I was born to win,
and I always get my-
[squishing]
Hey, look!
Ooh, snail!
I'm glad we let that guy out.
He's lookin' at us, quick...
Hurry, shut the door!
[doors slam]
[beeping]
[dramatic music]
I actually just realized
that I hooked the
turret up wrong.
It's been on autopilot
this whole time.
[Mindy] So then,
what's he doing?
He's playing a video game.
Do you think we should tell him?
Nah, let him have it.
[triumphant music]
Yeah!
Woo!
I feel I could call my dad.
[Woody] Everyone,
hold onto something.
Hold onto what?
Now, that we're actually
going out into space,
I admit it, I'm
terrified of space.
Well, you don't have
anything to worry about
'cause there's no
space in this ship.
[suspenseful music]
[yelling]
I may have had to
take out the autopilot
to make room for us.
What?
It was huge!
[dramatic music]
We should really be wearing
seat belts in this thing.
Yeah, I had to get
rid of those too.
Okay, get ready, it's
just a few more seconds
until Operation Wet Willy.
I'm still very
perplexed by this plan.
Just keep going straight, okay?
We wanna get in the
path of the beam.
Did she say get in the path
of the beam of
the deadly weapon?
Activating translocator.
Got a bad feeling about this.
[Maggie] And now!
[blast]
[explosions]
[birds chirping]
[laughing]
I did it, I did it!
That was me!
I'm a hero!
Yeah, it was all you, buddy.
That was bad ass!
That plan was amazing.
All right, well, now all
we have to do is figure out
how to reenter the Earth's
atmosphere without burning up.
Oh, son of a bitch!
[yelling]
[Hagan] Aw man, buildings!
[groans]
[laughing]
Lazer Team two,
Antareans nothin'.
It's just nice to
be back on Earth
where at least we
have a little respect.
Hey, give us our
ball back, dickheads.
Herman, pull.
[blast]
[laughs]
Now, who's the dickhead?
All of you, all
of you are dicks.
Well, you guys should be
playing football anyway.
Well, technically, on
most of the planet,
they are playing football.
- Oh, Woody.
- Shut up.
Why do you gotta
ruin everything?
Stick with the team.
[Woody] Basic geography, really.
[Zach] Worst member.
Hey, what's up?
It's your boy, Herman Mendoza.
Running at super speed
makes me super thirsty.
That's why I drink Boot Goop,
made from a space age recipe,
it's packed with
chucks of flavor.
Boot Goop, go from
number two to number one.
You won't believe what
you're puttin' in your mouth.
This product is not
approved by the FDA.
[laughing]
Wow, Herman, that's great.
Thank you, gotta sell that Goop.
So, what's with all the logos?
Oh, no man, these
are my sponsorships.
I make a little
cash on the side.
Um, does Woody know you
did this to the suit.
Say what?
I don't need to run
things by Woodrow.
What do you think this is?
[Maggie] Okay, well,
I'm just saying...
Oh, hey Mindy.
Hey Zach.
Long time, huh?
Don't know if you heard,
but I saved the world again.
Believe it or not,
I actually got this off
while we were up there.
I was back to my old
self for a few minutes.
That thing isn't
what makes you, Zach.
Yeah, but it's what makes it
impossible to be with me, right?
No, but one day
you'll figure it out.
[Hagan] Hey hey hey, everybody.
Dad!
Daddy, hi!
Hi sweetie.
So good to see you.
Why does he look like NASCAR?
[Herman] Hey man, I make
$30.00 a week wearin' this.
30 a week?
Did you do that deal yourself?
[peaceful music]
I didn't actually think
that we'd make it back.
I should've told you
about the other Woody.
No, there's only
one Woody to me.
[triumphant music]
What does this thing do anyways?
Oh my god!
Was it just a button there?
I can eat corn dogs again!
I can blow out birthday candles.
I can play the recorder.
Shut up.
[triumphant music]
[Zach] Woody, what the hell?
How'd you get the helmet off?
[Woody] It's just like
a button on the side.
[Zach] Hey, where's my button?
[adventurous music]
Breaking news, we go to yet
another press conference
with Lieutenant Vandenbloom.
Yeah, yeah, blam!
Seriously?
This guy again?
So can you indeed confirm
that it was the Antareans that,
once again, had attacked us?
Attempted attack, but
I can also confirm
that you're looking
at the one man
responsible for
saving the planet.
Uh, yeah, there actually
have been many reports
that it was actually
Lazer Team and not you.
Actually went out in...
You don't need Lazer Team.
You need Vandenbloom.
Let me hear y'all, give me
a little bit of that love.
When I say Vanden,
you say bloom.
Vanden, Vanden, when I
say Vanden, you say Bloom.
Vanden, Bloom.
[Vandenbloom and
Reporter] Vanden-Bloom.
Vanden...
Bloom!
Vandenbloom, Vandenbloom rules!
Now that Lazer has battled aliens
here on Earth and in space...
I can neither confirm nor
deny they were in space.
Where else can Lazer Team 90?
[sighs]
What other adventures
could Lazer possibly go on at this time?
[suspenseful music]
Travel.
Time travel.
What the fun'
[upbeat music]