Lazy Eye (2016) Movie Script

Tell me what you see.
Is this better? Or this?
Number one? Or number two?
Number two.
Good. Read the bottom line for me.
Excellent. Now the right eye.
Can you read that?
How about this?
Is that a... K?
And here?
And this one?
You have amblyopia.
You didn't indicate it on your
medical history form.
Well, I didn't want to brag.
When did you first notice a problem?
When I was five my grandmother
noticed my right eye was drifting.
I'm sorry, I mean the more recent problem.
Oh... about a couple of weeks ago.
I was working on my laptop and
everything went soft.
Was it up close or distance too?
Oh, I'm sorry?
When everything when soft -
Was it distance or up close or both?
Uh, both.
The good news is your right eye,
the amblyopic one,
hasn't changed.
You have some vision there.
But there has been a change
in your good eye.
Do you sit in front of a computer all day?
Wow, you make it sound so exciting.
What do you do?
I'm a graphic designer.
- Is it serious? Should I be worried?
- No.
But I do think it's time for you
to move to progressive lenses.
You mean... bifocals?
More like trifocals, but don't worry.
It's perfectly normal for people to
experience a dramatic change in
vision around middle age.
- Are they horrible?
- They're awesome.
- You think?
- Yeah.
They don't make me look like
I'm trying too hard?
Please, you live in Silver Lake.
I don't get it. The top part is distance,
the bottom is close up,
but the middle is this weird limbo place
where nothing is in focus.
You gotta point your nose.
- What?
- Turn around. Turn.
Point my nose...
My doctor said you have to point your nose
at the thing you're trying to see.
- Point my nose.
- Yeah, try it. Towards the thing.
You're looking up.
- No, I'm looking at it.
- Towards the thing.
- Towards the thing.
- Mel, I am.
Okay now you're looking down.
I'm looking-
Okay, it's all right.
You're gonna get used to it.
I think I'm going blind.
Well, we both know what caused that.
I think.
Yeah. Well. You ain't kidding.
Anyway, um, I don't want to throw the baby
on the fire or whatever the expression is...
I don't know, anyway, Pearson called.
Remember when he wanted graphic,
minimalist, simple?
Yeah, what we gave them.
Uh, he doesn't want that anymore.
What does he want?
You're not gonna love it.
Not three heads in the sky."
It is not three heads in the sky."
It is not.
Uh, thank god.
It's two heads in the sky."
Mel, we did two heads in the sky,"
like, six versions ago.
No, we did three heads in the sky."
- Jesus. And now they want two.
- Heads.
In the sky.
Floating over a generic landscape that's
probably not even in the movie, I know.
Fuck me.
Well, we tried that in college.
It was not very satisfying for either of us.
Mel, why do they make us go through so many
rounds if they just want something safe?
I don't know, sweetheart, but they do and
they're a good client and they keep
our lights on and...
What should I tell him?
Tell him that the other design was better.
- Okay.
- Tell him that nobody goes to see a movie
because of the one-sheet.
In fact you can tell him that in the
list of reasons that people go see movies
the one-sheet is at the very bottom, so
why not do something good for once,
something that will outlive
his shitty movie.
What is up?
You've just been walking around here for the
last two weeks in this weird funky state.
Talk to me.
Yeah, no, I know I, I know. I just.
I, I got a, um...
I just think I need to take
a couple days off.
Oh, yeah.
I think I'm gonna drive out to
the desert tonight.
That's a great idea.
Let's go for the whole weekend.
We'll swim or make cocktails,
it'll be great.
Oh no yeah, I... I meant by myself.
- No, you know, just to clear my head.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
- It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
I know when I'm not wanted.
That's great. No problem.
Anyway, I do need you to finish these
revisions before you bolt.
- Okay. I'll do it at home tonight.
- Excellent.
And what happened to the third head anyway?
I don't know, the other heads
have better agents.
Point your nose.
Dear Dean,
I hope you're the Dean I'm looking for.
If you are and you remember me, you're
probably wondering why I'm writing
after all these years.
Truth is, I'm wondering the same thing.
All I know is this morning I woke up
listening to National Public Radio
like I do every morning,
and as I was lying there in bed I thought to
myself, why do I even listen to NPR?
And that's when I remembered.
You turned me on to National Public Radio 15
years ago.
Summer. New York City.
You turned me onto a lot of
things that summer.
So I woke up thinking of you and wondering
how you are, and where you are,
and a quick internet search
lead me to your website.
You seem to be doing very well for yourself.
Though I was surprised to
find you in Los Angeles.
I remember how much you loved New York City.
Anyway, I hope you're well.
I'd love to hear from you.
Yours, Alex Coffina.
What a nice surprise.
Of course I remember you.
I'm flattered to be associated
with National Public Radio.
Though, since moving to LA I
hardly ever listen anymore.
I miss New York sometimes but
the truth is - I love LA.
Try not to judge me too much.
What can I say?
It's nice to wake up and pick lemons
from a tree in my own back yard.
Tell me about your life.
No judgments here. I used to believe
if I could find the perfect city,
all my problems would disappear.
But I've since learned -
you take your problems with you.
Currently, they're all in New Orleans.
I've been here for about six months.
I feel like I've been chasing my
bliss for the last fifteen years.
I've never found it in a job or a
relationship. Maybe it's in Los Angeles.
I don't know if your bliss can be
found in Los Angeles, but I have a
little house in the desert near Joshua Tree
that's as close as I've ever
come to finding mine.
It's small and quiet and has great views.
Every time I'm there, I feel like I
press this big, internal, re-set" button.
Have you ever seen the Mojave?
It's spectacular.
I've been to the Gobi in East Asia
and the Patagonian in South America,
but I've never laid eyes on the Mojave.
I would love to see it.
Know any good tour guides?
Can't believe this.
Oh my God.
- You made it.
- Yeah.
- I was worried.
- I left you a message.
Yeah there's no reception out here.
- You look great.
- You too.
How long have we been in here?
Three hours. Jesus.
It's easy to lose track out here.
No kidding.
I didn't plan for this to happen.
- For what?
- This.
- It never crossed your mind.
- It crossed my mind. You?
Definitely. I almost had to
rub one out on the plane.
- Have you ever done that?
- On a plane? Sure.
Can't imagine.
I always think that the plane's gonna crash
and they're gonna find my body
in the wreckage I've got my dick in
my hand and my pants around my ankles.
- I mean what would my family say?
- He died as he lived."
- So that's how you think of me.
- Totally.
- I'm just a horndog?
- You are the most sexual person
I ever dated.
- Whoa.
- By far.
What does that even mean - most sexual"?
As I recall, a disproportionate amount
of our time was spent naked in your bed.
No that's because I didn't have any A/C
in that apartment.
Oh. Gosh. Man, I'm sorry. No, it had nothing
to do with your raging libido.
- Okay, fine. I am a total horndog.
- Yeah.
I've been thinking about having sex with you
ever since I got your e-mail.
- See?
- I got hard reading your e-mail.
I got hard anticipating your next e-mail.
Well, I rest my case.
I had to beat off last night hoping
to prevent this from happening.
- Okay.
' Any regrets?
- No. You?
- Not yet.
Wait, why would you try to prevent this
from happening? This is fun.
Have you really done that on a plane?
Don't judge me.
I mean come on. What ever happened to
delayed gratification, guy?
You've obviously never flown to
Australia before.
Actually, I have.
- Really? Wait, why'd you go to Australia?
- Vacation.
- Thank you.
- I'm thirsty. You want some water?
Yes, please.
Did you fly to Melbourne?
Ugh, I love Melbourne.
Did you see the Twelve Apostles?
Um yeah.
You know I was thinking maybe tomorrow we
could go into town, maybe take a
hike or something.
- I want to show you some of the sights.
- That sounds fun.
Oh, fancy.
What, the lemons?
The lemons, the sheets, this house.
Palm Springs is fancy. Joshua Tree
is for the regular people.
Yeah I don't think regular people have
second homes.
Especially ones with pools.
It's an investment property.
- Who are you?
- What?
And what'd you do with
my little Marxist punk
I picked up fifteen years ago at a dive bar?
Okay, there are two things
wrong with that statement.
First of all I was never a Marxist--
- Oh, whatever-
I was a Democratic Socialist, okay,
And, more importantly, I picked you up.
- Oh. No.
- Absolutely.
- Okay, you are crazy. And I can prove it.
- You're gonna need to.
Where's my bag?
Oh my god. Ooh, Jesus.
Oh, god, it's freezing.
Okay. It was in that little bar on 7th
Street and Second Avenue.
Tile Bar.
That's not what it was called, but
We all called it Tile Bar.
It was my graduation night.
I was sitting on one end of the bar and
you were at the other.
- What's this?
- Proof.
You kept it.
The bartender brought it over to me
and then I went and sat down next to you,
so I did the picking up.
I think the person who did the
drawing is the one who did the picking. Up.
And that was me.
No, that's the one who did the drawing. The
one who actually had the balls to get up off
his ass, cross the bar, sit down next to
you and speak did the picking up.
Well I'm stunned. I can't believe you
kept it.
Well. It was a nice summer.
- Can I keep it?
- No way.
Come on, you've had it all these years.
It's my turn.
Fine. Consider it on loan.
- You hungry?
- Starved.
- I'm going to make a salad.
- Well, I'm gonna take a shower.
- How do you feel about onions?
- I'm not scared.
- I don't remember you smoking.
- I don't smoke. Not tobacco anyway.
Then whose are these?
Oh, Someone must have left those here.
Oh... I love smoking.
Well help yourself. Just do it outside.
I quit.
I don't remember you smoking
It was after us.
You know most of my clients want safe. They
want something traditional...
Two heads in the sky" or some shit
like that, and I always--
Wait what's two heads in the sky"?
You know, you've see it before.
Big faces of the movie stars over
a landscape. It's just so boring.
But aren't those movies usually
- Yes! But the poster doesn't have to be!
- Oh...
I tell my clients, If we can distill the
movie down to its essence,
and tell the story
in a single image, then people
actually have to engage with the poster,
they have to interact with it and, hey,
maybe it'll make them want to see the
movie more, you know?
What does the client say?
They say, Great! Now let's put two heads
in the sky. Which I do because I'm a tool.
I know I shouldn't care about this, it's
just a stupid poster but, you know, still.
No, that's great. That is the guy that
I remember.
What -- crazy?
No, passionate.
Do you remember our first actual date, you
took me to see this awful movie downtown.
Yeah, it was at some artsy
theater on Houston.
About this young boy who falls in
love with the old lady...?
You don't mean HAROLD AND MAUDE.
Yes! Oh my god. That film. I remember
thinking to myself, why is this guy
taking me to see this?
Okay, stop talking, please.
No, I mean... it was just so sad and weird
and pretentious...
I'm holding a knife here.
And all that Cat Stevens music.
Seriously. Stop. HAROLD & MAUDE is
my favorite movie of all time.
Are you kidding?
You better be kidding. Are you kidding?
Yeah, no, I'm kidding.
I mean, you don't really feel that way
about that movie, do you?
No, but I did not understand that
movie for the life of me.
- Well that night you told me you loved it.
- I lied.
Because I wanted to impress you.
Which is why I went back the next
week and I saw it again.
You did not.
Yeah, I did. I wanted to figure out why
you liked it so much. I thought it was
gonna help me understand you better.
Okay. You can stay.
You know the interesting thing about
It's always different.
Like, when I was in my twenties, I really
identified with Harold.
All of this angst and depression
and self-involvement. And now as
I've gotten older, I kinda feel a little
bit more like Maude.
Isn't that crazy how a movie changes?
Actually, the movie stays the same.
True. I guess we're the ones who
We don't actually change that
much. Do we?
Well I mean you have.
You definitely have.
So. How have I changed?
I guess I always imagined you in
your paint-splattered boots with
your palette your brushes standing
behind an easel.
I just never imagined you, uh...
I always thought that you were
going to be an artist.
Well I am an artist.
You're a graphic designer.
A graphic designer is an artist.
Just one that can pay the bills.
Okay, no, no. That's not what I mean.
- I like my work.
- That's good.
Or, I did, until about a minute
Okay. You were the one who was just
complaining about the two heads in the sky,
that's all I'm saying.
Yeah, well, it beats living in a studio
apartment with a bathtub in the kitchen.
- But I liked that apartment.
- Yeah well you didn't have to live in it.
Okay I didn't meant to... The most
important thing is that you're happy.
So why New Orleans?
Did you go there for a work or...?
Oh no, I'm not really working right
- Wow, must be nice.
- It's actually amazing.
How'd you manage that?
- I have money.
- Must be a lot.
It's enough.
I always imagined you in a suit and tie...
working in some high-rise somewhere.
Oh yeah, no, I did that.
Until all I could think about was jumping.
Okay, well, what I want to know is
why you're so hard to find.
- What does that mean?
- On the internet.
See, I don't know which is more strange:
that I'm not on the internet or the fact
that people are freaked out that I'm not.
Oh no I'm not freaked out. I'm just
curious how it's possible.
- Well I blame you.
- Me?
Yeah you were always going off on these
little Marxist rants--
Democratic socialist...
--whatever the fuck you were, with
this freakish paranoia, marching in
the streets about the government
spying on people.
That is not why we were marching.
This vast Right Wing Conspiracy...
That is true. It exists.
Well, you are the reason for my faint
cyber footprint.
It's not faint. It's invisible.
I mean, you are nowhere.
No photos, no job history.
You're not even on Linked-In,
which no one wants to be on, but
somehow everybody ends up there.
Aren't you impressed?
So -- you looked for me, too.
I've probably googled your name and
Campbell, Ohio" about a thousand times.
- Campbell?
- That's where you're from, right?
Yeah, I just can't believe that
you remember that.
I looked in New York and every other
major city. I maybe if I contacted your
family, they'd tell me where you were.
That's sweet, but also useless
seeing as how my family would
never have given any personal information.
Unless you ask in Greek.
Well it's not sweet. You disappeared.
I did not disappear.
From my perspective you did. No
call. No note. Nothing.
Do you have any idea how long I
searched for you? Alex, I called the police.
I called hospitals.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... What?
I called the morgue, Alex.
Well I had no idea.
- Fifteen years.
- That's a long time.
Why does it feel like it just
happened yesterday?
I gotta piss.
This is good.
I got a card when I moved to L.A.
Told the doctor I had panic attacks.
The minute I said 9/11, he was writing
a prescription.
- Nice.
- It wasn't an excuse.
A couple of weeks after the attacks,
I was at work, having lunch in the
break room and reading this magazine
about all the people that were on the
planes that went into the towers.
And there were these two guys, who
were coming back from
Russia or something with a baby
they had just adopted.
And I walked into my office and
shut the door and stood against the wall
and... I just started sobbing.
I couldn't move.
I knew that I had to call somebody to ask
for help, but I literally couldn't
walk across the room to
pick up the phone on my desk.
I was paralyzed.
What did you do?
I eventually figured out how to walk.
I picked up the phone on my desk and I
called my best friend.
But I remember thinking,
Alex could have been in those towers."
I read all the lists and I didn't see
your name, so I just assumed you were okay.
I'm really sorry.
Hey, I got prescription weed out of it.
No, I mean about disappearing.
Yeah why did you?
- I hated New York.
- I didn't know that.
That's funny, because I talked
about it all the time.
- I don't remember that.
- That's because you loved it.
I did.
What is that?
Coyotes. They're signaling that
the pack is all together again.
Everyone's safe.
So mournful.
Do you know that coyotes only
mate once a year?
No wonder they sound so sad.
You ever see one up close?
Coyotes? Yeah, they're all over
L.A. The drought forced them out
of the hills, now they just walk
around like they own the town,
looking for water.
Water's important.
You like water?
The fuck?!
That's for disappearing.
Oh, shit. I had no idea. I
swear. I am so sorry.
Just take it. Get me out of
here, it's fucking cold.
Now, we are even.
Oh my god - it is so cold in here.
I hate you so much.
Mmmm, salty.
It's a salt water pool.
Wait why salt water?
You don't need chlorine if you use
salt water.
God you're such a fucking hippie.
Next time, please spring for a
heated pool.
We can't afford a heated pool.
Wait what?
You know how much it costs
to heat a pool?
- Wait who's we?
- What?
You just said we can't afford it.
Who's we?
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did. Who's we?
You guys are separated?
Who the fuck is we?
We is me. And Bryan.
- Uh, all right. Who's Bryan?
- My husband.
- So you're married.
- Yes.
- Does he know that you're here?
- Yes.
- Does he know that I'm here?
- No.
Okay. So you guys have some sort
of understanding?
Not exactly.
So you're cheating.
No. I mean... Bryan and I... we're
not together.
Yeah. I mean, he's in Australia,
I'm here.
Yeah, no, I don't mean geographically.
It's complicated.
Okay. Well, I'm about to make things
a whole lot less complicated.
- Alex, I can explain.
- Give it your best shot.
- I was going to tell you.
- When?
As soon as we started e-mailing,
- But WHAT?
- I wanted to, but you didn't ask.
That's your excuse? I didn't ask
if you were married?
You didn't! And I didn't ask you
either! For all I know, you could
be married, too.
Well, I'm not.
Okay. Well now I know. Look can we
just stop and talk about this?
Talk about what?
This. Us.
Yeah there is no us. There's me. And
there's you. And then there's you and...
- What's his name?
- Bryan.
- Bryan. So...
- Alex. Hey!
Alex, come on. Seriously?
Alex, don't do this!
Is that supposed to be me?
Everyone's a critic huh.
No, I think you made some improvements,
I don't think that's possible.
Hey I really like your gown.
Oh this old thing? I only wear it
when I don't care how I look.
- It's A Wonderful Life?
- You know it.
Yeah everyone knows it.
Are you guys in a choir or something?
No I graduated this afternoon.
- What's your major?
- I got my M.B.A.
- Ah, business.
- Mmhmm.
- What kind? Risky?
- Monkey.
- Alex.
- Dean.
Um, do you want to get out of here?
- Yeah.
- Where do you live?
- Around the corner.
- You came back.
- It's my favorite shirt.
- Why didn't you come in?
- I was enjoying the stars.
I'm glad you came back.
- I lied.
- What?
About why I left New York. I met
I don't understand.
At the end of the summer.
I lied. I met someone else.
- While we were together?
- We weren't exclusive.
- I was.
- You met him once.
- What? When?
- In Central Park.
I was playing in a
softball game. You showed up.
You wanted to surprise me. You were there.
He was there. You shook hands with him.
You thought he was just one of my friends.
He thought the same thing.
- So I left New York and moved to Miami.
- To be with him.
- Yeah.
- Why are you telling me this?
I'm just trying to be honest. You asked
why I disappeared. That's why.
- You still want me to stay?
- Yes.
Good. You owe me a phone.
- Hey.
- They love the revisions.
- Of course they did, they're idiots.
- And they're changing the name of the film.
I don't know I guess now they think that
nobody will see a movie
called Portmanteau."
Well yeah, that's what we said six months
See how smart we are?
Wait. How am I even talking to you?
You never have service there.
- I'm in town. What's the new title?
- A Bag By The Lake."
- Thank you.
- Great.
- That's a joke. I'm joking. What's wrong?
- Uh, nothing. I gotta go.
- No you sound weird.
- I'm fine.
- You want me to come out there?
- No.
- I can be there in two hours.
- No, definitely not.
Okay. I got a date with a guy
that does stand-up.
Yeah? Does he do anything else?
He better, right? Or someone's gonna get
Okay, well bye.
Find something?
- Yeah, four bars!
- Yeah, well we're in town.
Who should I call?
- Pick up.
- I'm driving.
- Then be careful.
- Hello?
Hey, look I'm driving can I
call you back later?
No, this is just gonna take a minute.
I know you're super busy being married
and everything, just wanted to give you
a little piece of friendly advice, just
in case the opportunity ever arises again.
Next time you decide to
cheat on your husband,
just make sure to take off your ring off
pretty early on. Because if the guy's
any good in bed, he's probably going
to notice the imprint on your finger.
- You knew.
- I suspected.
Then what was that scene about
last night?
- I hoped it wasn't true.
- Why didn't you say something?
I guess I didn't really want to know.
You do that a lot? Take your ring off?
No, never. It was the first time,
Forgive me if I find that hard to
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Bryan.
I should have.
I was just afraid if you knew I was
married, that you wouldn't come.
You would have been right.
Look. When I got your e-mail, I
thought, How dare he contact me
after all these years?" But I had
to see you. I don't know why but...
I needed to see you, too.
Come on.
- Looks like something out of Dr. Seuss.
- Yeah.
Why do they call them Joshua Trees?
The Mormons. When they headed West,
they saw these and it reminded them
of the prophet Joshua, raising his
hands up to God.
- Yeah, exactly.
- That's a cool stow.
You know the Mormons they're full
of them.
- So those cigarettes were Bryan's?
- Yep.
You should tell him to stop
- He's not addicted, so I let it go.
- You don't mind?
- No I hate it but it's his body.
- Yeah but he's your husband.
Was it hard... quitting?
No. I mean I watched my Dad dying
of lung cancer so...
I'm sorry.
It's okay. I guess it's also easier
run six miles then smoke a pack a day
when you're in your twenties than it is now.
Yeah, everything's easier in your
Well, not for me. You know I woke up
every morning in my twenties doubled
over in abdominal pain. Doctor said
it was stress.
The hell were you so stressed about?
- Everything.
- I didn't know that.
Nobody did. You know the most important
thing that I learned in business school --
never show weakness.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah. The one one thing that I
needed to do, only thing that
probably would have helped,
was talking to someone.
You know if you want your husband
to quit smoking, you need to tell him.
- So why Australia?
- He's there for work.
- What does Bryan do?
- Ah, he's a director.
Commercials mostly, but yeah.
Films, too.
So you're in L.A. for him.
No. Most of my clients are in L.A.
We moved there for my work.
I don't think I could do that. If
I ever married someone, I'd have
to be with him.
Well it's not that simple. You know
when you work in film you gotta go
where the work is. Sometimes that
means weeks or even months apart.
And you're okay with that.
Well I knew what I was getting into
when I signed up.
It's not the military.
And you know I think it's good to be alone
I think more people should try it.
I like missing someone. It feels
good to be on my your and, you know,
spend some time with yourself and be
productive and then come together
again, YOU know?
- Who are you trying to convince?
- No, I'm just saying, it's not all bad.
You should put that on a greeting card.
- Can we see the house from here?
- I can't see anything these days.
This is amazing.
- This looks like a movie set.
- It was a movie set.
Which movies?
The Cisco Kid is the only one I
know of.
The bowling alley used to be open.
You and Bryan ever think about
having kids?
No. You?
- Definitely.
- Yeah!
I think, like, the real
sign of adulthood is having to care
about something other
than just yourself.
You know putting somebody else's
needs above your own.
Well by that definition, people who
never have kids don't grow up at all.
Well that's maybe that's why
we have such a primal desire to
procreate. You know we're just afraid of
taking on that kind of responsibility,
so if you have a kid, there's
no choice. You have to step up.
It's hard to have a kid if you're
not settled.
Well you seem pretty settled.
I was talking about you.
Tell me about the wedding.
It was small. Just a few friends at
City Hall and a justice of the Peace.
Ten minutes and seventy-five dollars
later, it was done.
Oh. How romantic.
I've never understood the appeal
of the big wedding.
I do. I want a huge wedding. Big
flower arrangements, all my family
and friends and a band playing. If
I ever love somebody that much,
I want to shout it to the world.
- You ever come close?
- No. Well -- maybe once.
You don't mean me.
You want the truth? I have been
with a lot of guys in my life.
I've even lived with a few of them.
But none of them compare to you.
It's gotten so bad that no matter
where I go in the world, I find
myself looking for you.
The problem is you're looking
for the guy I used to be, the
guy you remember.
- You're not that different.
- Yesterday you told me I'd changed.
You have changed, I mean we both
have. But not that much.
Oh, come on. When we first met, you had
just gotten your MBA and I was an artist.
So you admit it!
Okay. Um, yes. I admit it. I'm not an artist
anymore. Okay?
Yeah, what ever happened
to that guy?
- He, um, he got scared.
- Of what?
- Not being good enough.
- So he left New York.
And got comfortable and
stopped listening to NPR.
Maybe that's why I'm here.
What, to get me to start
listening to NPR again?
No, to make you uncomfortable.
Another round?
Um, you know what, just the check,
I think.
Okay coool. Be right back.
Can I just say, I think you two are
adorable. Me and Keith, the bartender,
have been taking bets on how long
we think you two've been together.
Oh! Um, fifteen years.
Wow, it shows. I think you two have
talked more today than me and my boyfriend
have all year. I'll be right back
with that check.
- Wow. What is this place?
- I know, it's great, isn't it?
Yeah totally. Look at this roof line.
Yeah it was abandoned years ago.
Some famous movie star or musician
used to live here. I always think about
what I'd do to it if it were mine.
Tell me.
First thing would be plumbing. I think
it'd make a great artists studio, don't you?
- Yeah. Do it.
- I wish.
- How much would it cost?
- You gonna to buy it?
Well maybe.
What does Bryan think?
He wouldn't like it. Where I see a
blank canvas, he sees a money pit.
- Has he seen it?
- I'm not sure.
- You haven't showed him?
- No.
You have a lot of secrets.
- Cute.
- These are my ears.
- Wait, which one is the lazy one?
- This one. My right one.
It looks normal.
It only drifts if I'm tired or I've
been staring at something for a long time.
- Wait what do you see now?
- A big blur.
- How about now?
- A bigger blur.
Wait, if you didn't know it was me
could you tell?
- Probably.
- Is it really that bad?
The right eye is a little better
when I wear glasses, but yeah I'm
basically blind in that eye.
God that sucks.
No what really sucks is I could
have probably corrected it if I'd
just done the exercises when
I was a kid.
I had to sit in a dark room with
my good eye covered and with my
lazy eye I had to look through a
straw at a blinking yellow light.
- That sounds super fun.
- I had to wear an eye patch.
- Eye patches are kind of cool.
- Not when you're six.
Wait so it didn't work.
No, I didn't work. I did want
to do it. I was so miserable
sitting in that dark room and
wearing the eye patch...
Your parents didn't make you?
No. They wanted a happy boy. It's
funny though sometimes I think if
I'd just done what I was supposed to,
I'd see the whole world differently.
I have an idea. We should get you
an eye patch.
I could change my name is
- I can feel it.
- What?
- My wedding band.
- Well that's telling.
I'm not being metaphorical.
I mean
I can feel it.
On my finger.
Like it's there.
I used to wear this visor when
I played tennis. And one time I
took it off, and I could still
feel it there. Like, on my forehead.
And it started to just drive me
crazy. So I went to go get my hair
cut and told the guy to just cut
this goddamn visor off my head please.
So he cuts my hair a little bit and
he says, Well is it still there? And
I said, Yeah, it's still there. So he
cuts just a little bit more and a little
bit more and eventually
he just shaves my head.
Did that work?
No. I finally learned to just
live with it. 'Til one day, I
realized it was gone.
- Well I can't cut off my finger.
- Do you want me to do it for you?
You know, I'd be lying if I said I
hadn't thought about it.
- Okay. What's stopping you?
- It would hurt.
Yep. And then it would feel better.
Maybe. I just wanna feel like
this all the time.
You know we can.
I mean if we want to.
Wanting isn't the issue. Come on,
this isn't sustainable.
Yeah, of course it is.
What's the longest relationship
you've ever had?
Um, that's not the point.
Well it is the point if we're talking
about commitment.
Well no, I'm not talking about
commitment. I'm talking about
feeling young and sexy and alive.
I'm talking about passion.
I mean do you feel that with
Well yeah. Yes. I do. I do.
I did. I mean, yeah. Sometimes.
- Jesus Christ, Dean.
- No. Of course I do.
Well do you love him?
Bryan is the kindest person I've
ever met. He's so smart, he's so funny.
He's incredibly generous and patient.
Yeah, but do you love him?
Yes. I do. You said the mark of
adulthood is someone who cares
about something more than themselves.
Well that's Bryan. You know I could
probably tell him about you and this
whole weekend and he would be the one
trying to make me feel better. Trying
to make me feel less guilty. I'm sure
he'd be mad. But then when he calmed down,
he'd just wanna try to understand why
I felt the need to do this in the
first place.
- So why am I here?
- What?
I mean why am I here, Dean?
- I thought you quit.
- Bryan won't mind, will he?
And there's a dead mouse floating
in your pool.
- Shit. They keep falling in.
- Maybe they're jumping.
Mice don't commit suicide.
Uh, why did you just do that?
- What was I supposed to do?
- I don't know. Bury it!
It's a mouse.
- What just happened?
- What do you want, Dean?
What do I want?
Yeah, it's a simple question:
What do you want?
- That's not a simple question.
- Bullshit.
Okay if it's so simple, you answer
it. What do you want?!
- You.
- Me.
What after only two days.
It hasn't been two days. It's
been fifteen years. We've been
searching for each other for
fifteen fucking years.
And I know you.
But you don't know me. You don't
know what I need.
Okay then tell me.
What do you want me to say?
That I'm gonna leave my marriage?
Then what? You and I run away together?
Yeah. Or something. We give this
a shot. That's what I want.
So tell me what do you want.
So many things.
I want my work to mean something.
I want to run a marathon someday.
I want to set aside more time for
painting. And I want you. And I
want to make my marriage work.
And sometimes I just want to
fucking be by myself. But more
than anything, right now, I just
want to get back into bed. Could
we do that? Please?
- I'm just so tired.
- Yeah. then let's go to sleep.
No, no. I mean that I'm... I'm just
so tired of running.
Then stop.
I feel like if I stop, I'm
gonna die.
- Yeah let's go to sleep.
- Yeah, okay.
I'll get the lights.
Oh, stop it. Stop. You didn't
earn that.
Aw, it made me feel so smart.
- We use the same toothpaste.
- Oh yeah well help yourself.
- Yeah I did.
- Let me see.
Okay. I have to tell you something.
Okay. I'm not scared.
- Yeah I can tell.
- What is it?
Um... I don't remember your name.
- What?!
- I'm so sorry!
You just had my dick in your mouth.
I know, I think I'm still drunk
or something.
I can't believe this!
Come on, asshole. So wait, what
is my name then?
- Alexander Coffina.
- Eww. Alexander?
Okay, first of all, I haven't
introduced myself as Alexander
to anyone, no matter how cute
they are. And you're pretty cute.
Thank you.
Secondly, I never told you my last
Right. Okay. I, uh, peeked at
your driver's license when you
were in the bathroom.
My credit cards still better
be there, you jerk!
That not a flattering picture
of you.
- You're awful! That's so mean.
- It's not.
- Okay but what is it?
- What is what?
Your name.
- I'll give you a hint.
- I'll give you a hint.
- It rhymes with mean.
- Queen.
- Exactly!
- Okay, let me think...
- There's only one.
- Peen.
Ha, ha.
Dean! Oh, Like James Dean.
- He was gay.
- Oh, come on.
He was!
Why do gay guys always do that
about other guys...
- Well - he was bi.
- Whatever.
- He admitted it!
- Who cares anyway, he's dead.
- I'm bi.
- No, you're not.
- I am.
- Okay, how many women have you slept with?
- Why does that matter?
- I would like a number please.
- Five.
- And that makes you bi.
If I say it does.
I think always knew I was into
How would you know if you've never
slept with a woman?
- I just knew.
- Absolutely...
Mmhmm. I was certain I didn't need a
woman to help me figure that out.
Certainty is the death of
If you're certain, it means
you're closed off to all of
the other possibilities out there.
Or maybe it is the realization that
not all things are possible.
What's the difference between a gay
guy and a straight guy?
- I don't know.
- Six beers.
That's funny. Wait are you a comedian?
No, I'm an artist.
Oh yeah, but what do you really do?
When I was a kid, I used to tell my
family that I wanted to be an actor,
an author or an artist and my Dad
used to say, That's great. But how
are you going to make a living?"
I have such a good idea. How
about we get married, and I
support you with my high- paying
Wall Street job.
- Can you imagine?
- Yeah, I can, actually.
I like you. Is it okay if I say that?
Mmhmm. I like you, too.
- Shit, what time is it?
- Who cares?
Oh it's eight o'clock. It's
time for Morning Edition.
- What is that?
- NPR!
- What's NPR?
- National Public Radio.
- What is that?
- Oh, it's great. You're gonna love it.
Just listen.
Dean, Sorry to take off without
saying goodbye. I guess some
habits are hard to break. I hope
you get that house someday.
You deserve it. Alex.
Bryan! Hey honey.
No, I'm still in the desert.
I can't believe I have I'm
getting a signal right now.
How's it going there? Typical.
You should fire him. Okay, don't
fire him. Bryan? Bryan, Honey?
Look, I need to say something.
I think we should to be together
more. I really want us to see each
other more. Okay? We can talk about it
when you get home. I love you, too.
And we gotta do something about these mice.