Lemonade Blessing (2025) Movie Script
(Mary) Why am I up?
I just wanted to see how your
night was-
-whatd you do tonight?
(Pete) I went to
Meg and Larry's.
(Mary) That's right,
that's right-
-Meg and Larrys.
(Pete) What's going on?
(Mary) What what what?
(Mary) Nothings
going on, I-
-I just want to see
how your night was!
(Pete) Youre just up waiting-
-to see how Meg
and Larry were?
(Mary) Yeah, hows
her leg doing?
(Pete) Okay.
(Mary) Really?
(Mary) Because it wasnt
fine a week ago.
(Pete) I know,
its a week later.
(Pete) I think- something
is going on,
-and it would be better if
you just told me.
(Mary) Nothings
going on with you?
(Pete) No.
(Pete) How about we
calm down?
(Mary) I am calm-
-don't tell me to be
calm, dont tell me-
-to calm down,
you know I hate that.
(Mary) Okay, I am calm.
Okay? So tell me, how is-
[Unintelligible]
(Pete) -what is going on?!
[Unintelligible]
(Mary) Why dont you tell me
the fucking truth?
(Pete) Why are you angry?
(Mary) I am not angry,
Stop saying that I am angry!
(Pete) What am I lying about?!
(Mary) Im gonna call Meg, Im
gonna call Meg and were gonna
(Mary) Dont fucking t-
dont fucking touch me.
(Pete) [unintelligible]
-crazy person
(Pete) What are you
accusing me of?!
(Mary) How fucking stupid-
(Mary) -do you think I am!?
Tell me youre not
fucking around!
She is slotted in-
-every Thursday like
a trip to the-
-fucking
dry cleaners!
Oh, stop, stop stop-
(Pete) Why is he awake?
(Mary) My baby-
(Mary) Piece of shit.
Fuck off...
You're really good.
And you're always
going to be really goo-
[Masturbation noises]
[KNOCK]
(Mary) John? Everything
okay in there?
Yeah.
Well, you're taking
a long time.
It's been a while.
Yeah, I know, sorry, I'm just-
I'm just scrubbing. I'm just-
I have to be clean
for orientation.
(Mary) I don't see your
phone in your bedroom.
You arent- you aren't
looking at-
-anything, bad,
in there, right?
No... nope, it's a
game walkthrough.
It's fine.
(Mary) Okay, okay.
(Mary) I believe you.
(Mary) You know what,
I'm just going to stay here-
-until youre finished,
just to be sure.
I'd prefer if I had
a little bit of privacy.
I know you want privacy,
honey, but boys your age-
(John) Mom, you know me,
Im being good-
-Im not doing
anything wrong.
(Mary) No no no,
you want to sin-
-do it at your
father's house-
-okay? From now on-
-phones stay outside
the bathroom.
Just so you know
what's here for breakfast-
-we have almond butter,
multigrain toast-
-bananas, oranges,
apples, pears-
Is it true we have to pray
before every class?
(Mary) And the
Angelus at midday.
Theres hard boiled
eggs, sliced prosciutto-
-turkey chili, lemonade,
chocolate skim milk-
(John) I heard if a guys
hair touches his collar-
-they make you get-
-a buzz cut in the
mens bathroom?
(Mary) Your hair's
pretty short, so...
White dress shirt-
-nice and ironed,
khaki slacks-
-tie is done, all you
need to do is loosen it-
-here's your belt, penny
loafers are at the door.
Is it true they hit us with
rulers when we mess up?
Oh, they stopped
doing that years ago.
You have your
planner, notebooks-
-multicolored
folders, pencil case-
-six sharpened
number two pencils-
-a pen with blue ink-
-a pen with black ink,
a sharpie-
(John) Thanks, Mom.
You're excited, right?
Yeah, yeah. Of course.
Your first day of
high school...
Ugh! I still
remember the-
-doctor putting
you in my arms.
You had these-
-these little bumps right
here, and right here.
I love you.
I love you extra.
[Student Chatter]
(John) Hi, uh...
Excuse me-
do you want to sit?
Erm, no its cool.
I kinda like standing.
(Whispering Student)
Teacher!
(Mrs. Groff) Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Mrs. Groff.
It is my sincere wish-
-that none of you
get to know me-
-during your four
years at St. Dymphnas.
Save nap time for
the ride home.
Fill in your name.
Give this to Mr. De Luca,
after school, room 232.
I'm sorry, I have to
take a lot of buses-
-buses to get here
in the morning...
Go to bed earlier.
Itll be worth it!
If you choose to
wear a colored bra-
-don't whine to me
when your-
-chest gets pinched
in the hallway.
[Connor giggles]
Your fly is undone-
-and your shirt
is sopping wet.
You all lack polish!
But, don't lose hope.
Dymphnas is where
you come to meet God.
Dymphnas is where you go,
to become yourself.
Dymphnas is my alma mater!
In fact, this is
the very room-
-where I met my husband.
Do you know how I met him?
[Garry stammers]
He offered me his seat.
Oh, okay...
Oh! Oh.
Young men,
can you take a hint?
Uh, hey, can you please sit?
No, I told you,
I like standing.
Have you wet yourself-
-or do you have
some excitement-
-you're trying to hide?
No no no no, I, I, I tried-
-to give her my seat,
but she likes standing.
I uhm, I kept asking
him nicely-
-but all he did was
yank my pigtails.
Wh-what? No, no-
that's not-
-that's not
what happened!
(Lilith) [Feigning Distress]
Yeah it is.
(Garry Snoring)
Garry?
Garry?!
What are you in for?
I was the only guy who didn't
stand in the music room.
Damn. Did you have
a boner or something?
No- I don't- no, man. I...
...a girl tricked me.
Mmm... thats pretty hot.
[Whispering] Hey...
they uh, they caught me-
-watching cake fart videos.
What?
(Angelo) Yeah, yeah.
This naked girl, she
sits her ass on a cake-
-and just farts on it.
She doesnt shit or anything.
Just farts.
(John) Oh...
(Angelo) I can send it to you.
You can see-
-you can pick your
favorite-
-we can
talk about it.
Maybe some other time.
I mean, it, yeah, it
sounds pretty hot-
-but like, not,
that's like an after-
that's like, an end
of the week-
-type video
I feel, you know?
[Bus Engine]
[Student Chatter]
[Transcendent Score Creeps In]
[Bus Sounds Fade Away]
[Wind Blowing Through Leaves]
(Mary) Did you sign up
for Eucharistic Ministry?
Oh. Uhh, no.
I'm sorry, it must have
slipped my mind.
Okay.
How about this?
We uh- we take away
your games for tonight-
-and uhhh, just- every
night until you sign up.
What, no, Mom, I-
I'll remember to
do it tomorrow-
(Mary) No no, I insist.
Too many games are bad-
-for the developing mind.
[Hallway Chatter]
(Lilith) My Dads such
a piece of shit.
(Bridget) What happened?
Hes like, down in
Miami partying-
-while my mom gets-
-stuck at home raising four
kids.
(Bridget) Oh, my God,
I can't even imagine that.
Are your parents divorced?
Yeah.
Mine too.
(Bridget) All right,
Ill see you...
When did your Dad leave?
When did your Dad leave?
Uh, like, four years ago,
I think.
Uh, yeah... mine left around
that time as well.
Im sorry.
Are you doing okay?
I never want to see him
again, so, yeah.
Could I borrow a pencil?
Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
[Hallway Chatter
Briefly Fades]
Thanks.
I'm John.
Lilith.
(Angelo) Where would
you guys cum, ass or tits?
(Connor) Uhh, yeah,
Id say shoulders.
(Angelo) [Whispering] John,
look under the table.
I dont really want to
look under the table, guys, I-
(Angelo) Just look!
(John) Whats under the...
[Female porn
star moaning]
(John) Ugh, god, what
the fuck?
(Angelo) Where
would you cum?
(John) What?
(Angelo) Where would you cum?
I mean, outside, I guess.
Outside? What? What
do you mean? How are you-
Why are you
bringing her outside?
(Angelo) How many times
a day do you jerk off?
I mean, I don't have an
approximate number.
I mean, I don't really get
a lot of opportunities.
I wish I could, but,
you know-
-my Moms always
trying to-
-stop me when I'm
at her house.
What do mean your Mom
tries to stop you?
What, does she-
-grab your dick, and
do it herself?
(Connor) Haha, yeah does
your Mom grab your dick?
Connor, I just said that.
You just heard me say that.
You gotta... you gotta
come up something else, man.
She just knows
somehow that I'm-
-you know, jerking it.
(Garry) Gaaaaay.
Im sorry, Im sorry-
(Angelo) Lets go back to
watching this video...
[Cafeteria Chatter Fades]
[Transcendent Music Returns]
(Brother Phil) You here for
E.M. sign-ups?
Oh, uh, uh, yeah, hi-
Im um, Im John.
Bless you. Father.
Im a brother, actually, but
it's nice to meet you, John.
I'm Phil.
So, you want to be
a Eucharistic minister?
Yeah, well, my Mom wanted...
I- I guess...
I, I think I want to have
my own thing, with God.
Yeah, there's nothing
wrong with-
wanting to be close on
your own terms, but...
-how can you act as a,
a bridge...
...between Christ
and His church-
-if you don't have your
own relationship with Him?
Well, I...
I don't know.
I've sort of had this feeling-
-ever since I was a kid, that,
someone was with me-
-like, every second
of the day.
And, it felt
good to know-
I had someone
there seeing-
-all the
beautiful stuff...
...and all the
ugly stuff too.
Do you think that's God?
Meet me here,
after school, on Friday-
-if you want to
start your training.
(Brother Phil) Yeah?
(John) Yeah.
[Barely Audible Mary
Praying Nearby]
(Mary) -now and at the
hour of our death. Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou
amongst women, and-
-blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners-
-now and at the hour
of our death, Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou
amongst women-
-and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
(Lilith) You look nervous.
Uh, yeah, a little bit.
Uh, h- hey, listen...
would, uhm-
-would you ever wanna
be boyfriend?
Be, be uh- have uh-
have a boyfriend?
What?
Ugh- God Im sorry, I-
-uh, do you want
to go out on a date?
Uh well, I mean, I've
already been asked out by-
-like, 11 guys today, so,
I'll consider your offer.
Wow, yeah. 11, okay. But...
I think... you know-
-I like that your
parents are divorced.
(Lilith) What?
(John) No, sorry, sorry-
-I mean, like, I can
relate, and I-
-I don't know, I wanted
to get to know you better.
All my friends talk
about is, like-
-jerking off, so.
Oh-ho... but you're
like, a mature guy.
Uhh...
[deep voice] yeah.
Well, I don't want to
date anyone-
-who believes in God-
-or the tooth fairy
or Santa, so-
(John) I only believe
in one of those, though-
-and that's just cuz
I keep finding-
-money under
my pillow.
Well, youre no Abercrombie
and Fitch model, but...
(John) But...?
(Lilith) I need you to
say something.
Yeah, sure. Anything.
I'll say anything.
Say fuck Jesus for me.
[Hallway Chatter Fades]
[Percussive Score]
Yeah. Okay. Sure.
Yeah, FUCK Jesus.
Fffff-
[Clears throat]
Sorry...
Ffffff-ull of love, love
for all, you know.
Okay. No, it has to be
like, fuck you, Jesus.
Yeah, sure, right.
[Female Students
Giggling]
Fuck, Jesus!
(Lilith) No, thats like you
ran into Jesus at the park.
Fuck, [coughs] Jesus.
No. One statement. Go.
Jesus fuck.
(Lilith) In order!
(John) [mumbles]
(Lilith) Okay dude I need to
be able to hear it.
(John) [mumbles louder]
(Lilith) Just fucking say it!
(John) [growls] Fuck Jesus,
okay? Fuck Jesus!
[Hallway chatter returns]
(Lilith) Good.
We can hang out Friday,
uh, after school?
Sounds, like a plan.
(Lilith) Yeah, see ya.
(Mary) And who is this?
-nothing, no one in
particular, you know?
[Sly gloating] Ohhh
no one, nothing-
Do you have a little crush?
You gonna put her next
to your algebra teacher?
Oh, no, Mom, Miss
Quail was years ago.
I dont even
have her Mii anymore.
Yeah, you know, I don't-
I don't have a crush, okay?
I have- I have a girlfriend.
(Mary) Oh.
Okay. Oh. Uhh...
She a good girl? She Catholic?
(John) Yeah, she goes to,
she goes to Dymphnas, yeah.
Beautiful, uhm...
so you have a date?
Maybe.
Mmm! Okay-
alright, uhm...
What uh, what are you
going to wear?
I have this pretty cool-
-Walking Dead t-shirt.
Like, we can iron that.
Oh, baby, baby, I think
maybe a nice button up-
-you roll up the sleeves,
a little bow tie, ugh!
So cute- okay, Ill
go to Marshalls tomorrow.
Oh. Uh... okay...
...let's have a little talk.
Okay?
Wait a month before
hugging... and then, just...
...don't, you know, dont-
-don't hug too tightly because
it could encourage your...
...your baser instincts.
Mom, I don't think
we're that close yet.
Good. Well, I hope she
passes the Mom test.
(John) The Mom test?
If you look happy
next to her, she passes.
Ooh! First date!
(School Bell Ringing)
(Female Student)
Excuse me?
(John) Angelo!
(Angelo) Jesus!
(Angelo) What are you,
trying to fuck me?
(John) You wish. Whats up?
Well, I just shit the bed on
my first English quiz, so...
...theres that. (John)
That sucks, man. I'm sorry.
(John) Hey, listen, could
you do me a quick favor?
Could you run to the
chapel-
-and tell Brother Phil
I can't make-
-E.M. training? Tell him
my Grandpa has cancer.
You can pick the organ.
I don't know, man.
I don't really feel
comfortable-
-talking to priests.
I always feel like they're
trying to-
-suck my dick
or something.
Well, he's a brother, so.
Oh, sorry, so hes gonna
fuck me in the ass instead?
Dude, help me out.
I have a date.
You have a mom, right?
Yeah. We all have moms.
Yeah, but yours is like...
Send me a picture of her.
Ughh no way dude!
I dont want you jerking off
to my Mom!
Youre a sick little fuck,
you know that?
I just wanna
see what she looks like.
Look, my bus leaves
in three minutes, so-
-just send me a little
pic of Mrs. Santucci.
No- listen, you guys
can come over-
-to my house
this weekend-
-alright? You can meet her.
Shes a kind,
respectable woman.
[Student Chatter Fades]
We're going to get pizza.
White pie.
I get my own white pie.
Deal.
You got a Wii?
I got a Wii.
(Pete) Paul, Paul!
Hey- listen, I- I hear you.
Yes, Im listening,
buddy, yeah.
What I need you
to do is-
-I need you to
calm down, okay?
And what you
need to do is-
-listen to me,
alright, buddy?
Alright? Alr- hey!
Ears on. Ears on.
Okay? If- let's say-
let's talk logic.
Logic! Its very simple.
If you double your
rate of failure-
-you triple your
rate of success.
If we sell tile to ten
people-
-and they tell
ten of their friends-
-and they tell ten...
(John) Hey, Dad,
guess what?
Hey, buddy, what's up?
I have a girlfriend!
Hey! Same here.
High five.
Oh, yeah. Awesome.
Good, good for you, uh...
What about...
...what about rook to E2?
I mean, you could sack it
and then-
(Pete) -fork
the king with the rook.
Not bad.
Listen, I uh, I have
a date tonight-
-and I need a ride.
You need money for
a taxi?
The change jar
could use emptying.
Oh, shit. I should
have seen that.
Dad, I was thinking
maybe you could drive me?
She's also a child of
divorce and-
-her Mom
wants to meet me.
I thought it would be cool
if you two like, got-
(Pete) Listen-
I have had... a day.
I can't even tell you.
I just got home,
I got my feet up...
I really...
I just need to... relax.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, my Dad's trying
to get rid of his change.
Thank you. Have a-
stay safe.
Hi, I'm John- no, wait...
Ive heard so much-
no, fuck...
Hi. I'm John. Great to...
[Doorbell]
You can go. Its fine,
go, Im here...
(Bruce) Hello.
(John) Uh, hi.
You must be Rachel's
special friend.
Yeah. I'm John. Great to-
-great to meet you.
Is that your Dad back there?
Can I say hello to him?
(John) No no no, I-
-I don't know who that guy is.
Uh, my dad just got here.
He drove-
-he just left. He drove me.
He's very...
-he wanted to make sure
I got here safe and sound.
He's very invested in...
getting me...
He's very invested in me,
you know, just in general-
You can come in.
Rachel! Hes here.
(Lilith) Hey.
(John) Hey.
You look, uh...
(Bruce) Where'd you get that?
Uh, I don't know, Hollister?
Thats a... tight fit.
Okay?
Why don't you
put on something-
-that tells me you
respect yourself?
(Lilith) Dad...
(Bruce) I mean-
-dont you agree?
I, I- I- first of all,
I think I have, a lot of...
...respect, for your daughter.
I'm talking about
the tank top.
I, I like the fabric,
I mean...
[Squeaky chair]
We have something
in common, John.
You know what that is?
Are you a, Mets fan?
You know-
-David Wright's been having-
-a hell of a season,
you know?
I'm actually a Yankees fan.
Yeah. You know,
I- I love-
-the Yankees, too,
I mean...
Right...
But, there is something
specific that we both share.
Yeah, we're both Catholic.
Yeah.
Yes, yes...
...but there is a
particular person-
-in our lives that
we both care about.
Right, thats Jesus.
No, John...
It's Rachel.
Yeah, Rachel!
That makes sense.
I mean, I was-
I was just thinking of Him.
I would like to know-
-what your intentions
are with my daughter.
Well, I guess I'm drawn to
Lil- Rachel-
-because she said her
parents were divorced.
Wait wh-
what did she tell you?
(Clara) So good to meet you.
(John) So good as well.
So good.
And what a lovely, uh...
...intact, family unit.
(Bruce) Rachel, would you
like to lead us in prayer?
I'd love it if John
could lead us, actually.
Well, thank you,
Rachel, and-
-thank you, God, for...
honesty.
Thank you for all of
your holy children who-
-represent themselves
accurately. Amen.
Actually, I'd like to
add something.
Lord, thank you for
those who are adaptable.
Thank you for our
brothers-
-sisters who
know how to-
-go with the flow
and not take-
-every little
thing so seriously.
(Lilith) Amen.
(John) That was beautiful,
Rachel, and I might add-
Thank you God,
for the-
-responsible souls
among us.
Thank you for those
who take ownership-
-over their sins-
-say, lying, for example- ow.
(Lilith) Great God
of all things-
Thank you so much
for your children-
-who know how to
appreciate-
-an active
imagination.
Holy Spirit, thank you for
the blessed few-
-that would never-
-dress up a vice
and call it a virtue.
(Lilith) God, thank you for-
-those who know when
to shut up and eat.
(John) Thank you Lord Jesus-
-for those who don't
have an appetite-
-because they feel hurt-
-when they've been lied to.
(Bruce) I'd like to
add something.
Thank you Lord for
all of your children-
-who go to
Eucharistic adoration-
-as penance for making
a scene at dinner.
Are you serious?
My first date at adoration?!
I wanted to hang out-
-or go for a walk, or
like literally anything else.
Youre 15 years old,
Rachel. Ill decide-
-where you can and
can't go-
-with your
special friend.
He's my boyfriend.
Mom, can we just hang out?
HEY!
Do not wedge yourself-
-between your
mother and father.
(John) Oh, nice-
nice one.
(Lilith) Yeah... you werent
much help back there.
(John) Sorry, I didn't know-
-you were going to
have a Dad.
(Lilith) Yeah, well,
I wish I didn't, so.
(John) So you just
lied about it?
(Lilith) Its not a lie if
it makes you feel better.
Wow, okay... well-
-I'm glad you're
feeling better.
And just so you know,
I'm six-foot-four-
Okay. Can you stop?!
(John) Its not a lie if
it makes you feel better.
I didn't know what to
tell you, okay?
Because like,
I don't like him at all-
-I don't even like my name-
-I didn't want to
go to this-
-fucking school
he makes me go to-
I don't know what
you want me to do-
-okay?!
Could you maybe
talk to your Mom about it?
My Mom's like...
...that picture of
a face with no mouth, so.
Wow. Our Moms
are really different.
(Lilith) Is yours super
controlling?
Oh, no no no
no, she's- she's like-
-she just likes to
look out for me, is all.
Was that her?
Wh- no no no
no, I dress myself, so.
Well, it looks a little
dumb. Just FYI.
Oh, sorry, let me just-
Well, I mean, you
wore it, so.
Actually, I can fix it.
Yeah.
(John) Where-
where are we going?
(Lilith) Just-
come on. Youll see.
(John) Okay.
(John) So uh, do you
come here often, or?
(Lilith) Uh... yeah.
Like, alone or with your-
with your family, or?
Well, I mean, like, yeah,
my Dad makes me come here-
-but, I dont know,
I found-
-this spot
that I kind of like.
(John) You come here alone?
Yeah, always.
I- I usually come with my Mom-
-if she's not busy, you know.
Well, yeah. That makes sense.
(John) Yeah.
(Lilith) Yeah, they usually
just drop me off.
(John) Thats,
Im sorry to hear-
-that sounds lonely.
It's okay.
(John) Garry.
(Connor) Garry. Garry.
(Everyone) Garry.
Garry! Garry! Garry!
(John) Garry! Wake up!
(Connor) Garry, please
wake up.
(Connor) Wake up, youre
going to kill us.
(Garry) [drowsy]
What game is this?
(John) Mario.
(Mary) [Italian accent] Did
somebody order a pizza?
(Angelo) Thank you so
very much, Mrs. Santucci.
(Mary) Oh please,
call me Miss Romano.
(Connor) Of course,
yeah yeah yeah.
(Mary) Okay boys, have fun!
(John) Thanks, Mom.
(John) Dont say it-
(Boys) Dude, shes SO hot!
(Angelo) I'm taking a photo
with her before I leave.
Dude, I'll fucking
kill you, okay?
(Garry) Number one MILF,
on the list, for sure...
Ahh. Don't touch that pie.
Thats my pie.
Oh, how did the date go?
She touch your penis? Mouth?
Hands? Over the jeans?
No. Well, I think it went-
yeah, it was great, actually.
We, we went to adoration,
and held hands-
-and talked and...
held hands.
[Laughter]
(Angelo) What did you
skip through the-
-fucking meadow together?
(Garry) What, you just
fucking held her hand?
Yeah. Is there a problem?
(Connor) Dude, she
thinks you're gay.
(Angelo) Definitely.
(Angelo) I mean, you can't
even know if-
-she likes you unless
you make out with her.
(Angelo) Like you probably
gotta feel downstairs-
-see if she's wet, too.
Like, you have no idea.
(Connor) And if shes shaved?
Fuck. Yeah, definitely.
If she hasn't shaved-
-she wasn't looking
forward to anything.
Okay, how do you guys
know all this?
(Angelo) Because we're
fucking experts, all right?
We've done our research.
Okay, well, how many-
-how many girls have
you guys dated?
(Angelo) Well, zero, but-
-I watch a lot of porn,
alright?
I know what
I'm talking about.
(Student Announcer)
Class of 2012-
-this is your
last chance-
-to submit to Project
Appreciation-
-to receive
the Early Bird discount.
(Student Announcer 2)
Please hurry home-
-and tell your parents.
This is so much more
than a trip to Israel.
(John) [whispering] Hi.
(Lilith) [whispering] Hey.
(John) How-
how are you doing?
Fine, how are you?
Pretty good...
overall, you know.
(John) I had a lot of fun,
the other day.
(John) Did you want to-
-hang out again
at some point?
Yeah, you wanna go-
-watch people bowl
with me?
Go bowling?
(Lilith) No. I like
watching the bowlers.
It's fun. And then, you don't-
-have to pay or anything-
-and they actually can't
kick you out.
I've done it before.
Yeah, it sounds,
it sounds lovely.
You know, I'm cool
with whatever-
-as long as its
with you.
Yeah.
[Romantic Music]
(Student Announcer 2) And,
will John Santucci-
-please see Brother Phil
in his office.
John! Sit down.
So sorry about Friday-
my Grandpa, he-
Oh, no, I, I heard.
How's everything at home?
Are you all right?
Oh, no no. I'm good,
Moms good.
It's just like, you know-
-a whole, a total
tragedy, you know-
-just, cancer of the,
of the, the-
(Brother Phil) the liver?
(John) The liver. Yeah.
Yeah. Its tough, it's
really, it's really tough.
But... is there any way-
-I can make up for
my training?
(Brother Phil) John...
(John) Yeah.
Is this what you
want to do?
(John) Yeah.
(Brother Phil)
Don't say the-
-first thing that
pops in your head.
(Brother Phil) Think about it.
(John) Well, Im sure-
(Borther Phil) No, no, no,
no. Don't talk.
Just sit and think.
(John) Sure.
(Brother Phil) No, John.
(Brother Phil) Just...
breathe with me.
Do you think when
Satan fell from Heaven...
...his friends saw
him falling?
Or his Mom?
Did he have a Mom?
If I held a gun to your head-
-and told you to say
you love me-
-and you did, does that
constitute love in your mind?
Probably not.
Right. Love can't come
from a place of fear.
The Eucharist...
its not about-
-being who somebody
wants you to be.
It's about being like Christ.
Can I serve at the
next monthly mass?
If you keep working on
your relationship with God.
No distractions.
Okay.
Thank you, Bro Phil.
Oh. Uh, sorry, am I early?
No, no. Come in, we were
just wrapping it up.
And John... no distract-
[Booming Score]
(John) [whispering] Hey.
(Lilith) [whispering] What?
(John) Can I kiss you?
(Lilith) Uhm... okay...
(Lilith) But!
(Lilith) This is holy water,
from Lordes.
(John) Wow, doesnt that,
like, cure cancer?
See that dog over there?
[Tense Music]
(Friend) Hi?
Hi, excuse me, can I-
I'm sorry, I, I mean-
-I, I saw you
from over there-
-and I- your dog from
over there-
-and I thought it
looked cute.
Can I pet him, or her?
(Maggie) Guys, does
he look weird?
He's like...
McLovin adjacent.
Yeah, you can pet her.
Okay, cool, yeah.
You know, I love
the McRib, too, uhm...
So uh, how-
how did the game go?
(Maggie) Let's just say-
-the dog did better
than us.
Oh, thats- sorry to hear.
Like, is it, like,
classically trained?
(Maggie) Well, she is a
professional doggo.
(John) O-okay... so uh...
...have you guys been
here for a while?
A couple hours, yeah.
(John) How long have you-
-how long have you had
him or, her?
(Maggie) Chloe, I've
had her about five years.
(Friend) Excuse me.
What is that?
(John) What is what?
(Friend) What is that that
you're putting in the bowl?
(Maggie) What's going on?
(Friend) Hes putting
something into Chloes bowl.
(John) No- no no
its holy water!
Its holy, its holy
water from Lordes.
(John) It's fine.
(Friend) Can you leave?
(Owner) What's going on here?
(Maggie) This person is trying
to poison my damn dog.
(John) No no, no, you
can drink it, see! It's-
[Choking]
Sorry.
(Lilith Giggling)
(Lilith) That was fun.
For you, I bet.
For you too!
Can I kiss you?
Take off your sweatshirt.
Okay.
Come under!
Oh, okay.
Let's pretend...
...we're in a cave,
at the bottom of the ocean.
Serene.
Wow.
I think I love you.
Youre silly...
Sorry. Was- was the-
was the kiss not good, or?
No, it was acceptable.
Acceptable? Like, you know-
-compared to all the other
guys youve kissed?
Well I haven- well,
Ive... uhm, I don't know-
-I mean, I've made
out with, like-
-20 or... 40, guys, so...
(John) Uh-huh.
Well, you're the
first girl I've kissed, so...
Well, maybe you
just need more practice.
I'm gonna need you guys
to get off my property.
Right, yeah, o-okay, yeah.
Do you think I'm gay?
(Lilith) What? No.
(John) Okay, okay. Cool.
Do you kiss
other guys like this?
(Lilith) What does that mean?
(John) No, like, am I-
-am I doing better?
Has a guy ever touched you,
like, down there?
Do you not like
kissing me or something?
Yeah, no, I do, I, I do
like kissing you, Im sorry.
Im being dumb,
I'm being stupid.
I'm sorry. I just, like...
I dont know, I
thought if we did-
-something youve
never done before-
-then that's how I'd
know you like me.
I just want to kiss-
-and youre talking
about other guys.
No, no, no, I just,
I just want to kiss, too.
I j- I'm, look, I, I
do like you, okay?
I, I, I mean, I told you I
loved you, so...
(Lilith)
Those are just words.
Okay, well,
how can I-
-show you that
I love you?
What if you, like,
got a Bible, and like...
...lit it on fire?
Jesus, wh- what?
(Lilith) I mean, there's a
lot of Bibles in the world.
Like, literally every hotel
room.
(John) It just seems
like a waste of paper...
[Phone buzzing]
What? Whos calling you?
(Mary) Hey, baby!
(Mary) John?
Where are you?
You must be
John's little friend.
Yeah. I'm Lilith,
John's girlfriend.
(Lilith) Its nice to
meet you, Mrs. Santucci.
Oh, I prefer Mrs. Romano,
if you don't mind.
What are you two
doing behind the shed?
We were-
we were just-
-taking pictures.
Its a nice background.
You know, I- I've-
-heard such nice
things about you.
(Mary) And I've heard
so little about you.
Tell me, Lily, how are you
doing in school?
Uh, very well, so far.
All A's in English, algebra-
-earth science, scriptures,
church history-
Well well well, look at you.
There must be some class
youre doing poorly in.
(John) Mom, Mom-
(Lilith) Oh, no, I'm pretty
much good at everything.
And what about your faith,
do you attend mass?
Every Sunday.
And what about your
faith, Mrs. Santucci?
Have you gotten an annulment-
-to absolve the sin of
your divorce yet?
[Pained chuckle]
Does she not pass
the Mom test?
(Mary) Do you look happy?
I really like her.
Is that your heart,
or something else?
Wh- what?
(Mary) When you are sucking
face behind a shed-
-is that your heart or
something in your pants?
M-Mom seriously? (Mary) No,
you want to be an adult?
Let's talk like adults.
Why do you like her
so much?
(John) I- I dont know,
shes always-
She's really clever.
And she always-
-knows when she
doesnt like something.
And like, I don't, I
dont feel like-
-lonely, when
Im with her.
Great metric. Toss away
all your hopes for a partner-
- and marry so
you can feel less-
-lonely, just- thats...
works every time.
(John) Okay, Mom.
[Quiet Score]
Hey, can you help
settle a debate?
(Mary) What do you mean?
My friends and I were
arguing about-
-whether the
English Standard-
-or the New Living
Translation-
-is the least holy Bible.
Pff, youre arguing
least holy-
-and no one brought up
the King James Version?
[Convection Oven DING]
[Gunshots and Zombie
Groans from TV]
(Connor) Pizza Boys
are ready.
(Angelo) Oh shit, Garry,
get the Pizza Boys... Garry!
Angelo, is this your Bible?
(Angelo) Huh?
(John) Is this your Bible?
(Angelo) Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that's my dads.
(Angelo) Hey, can you
get the Pizza Boys?
(John) Yeah, yeah.
You know, this is,
like, the-
-least Holy Bible
there is.
Its like negative holy.
(Angelo) Yeah-
Can you please get
the Pizza Boys?
Look at Garry, hes
fuckin losing weight-
-Im worried about him.
(John) Yeah- Im just,
I don't know-
-this Bible is like-
I'm not... Im really
not vibing with it.
Like, could I
bring this to-
-a priest real quick
just so I can-
-exorcise any demons-
-that could be lurking
inside of it?
Yes, sure, sure. Just, get
the Pizza Boys, and uh...
...that uh, that friend
of your girlfriends, just-
give me an invitation
to her Sweet 15.
Bridget?
Yeah. Yeah, whatever
her name is-
-I dont remember.
You got a little crush?
No, I don't have a crush,
I just want to- fuck off!
(John) Why do you
want to see her?
I mean, you don't know
her name-
-but you
want to see her.
(Angelo) The pizza!
(John) Yeah, okay.
[Tense Music]
[Music swells]
(Lilith) Lets do it now.
(John) Like- like, now,
now? Right now?
(Lilith) Yeah. It would be
so bad. Lets do it.
(John) I mean, okay,
if you want...
Oh. Youre...
pretty wet down there.
(Lilith)
Well, yeah, weve-
-been making out
for a half hour.
Yeah, but I'm also
kind of feeling-
-youre kind of hairy-
-down there too.
Does that mean
you only half like me?
(Lilith) What- am I
supposed to be shaved?
(John) No no no no no no.
I just, you know, I have it
on good information-
-that if you're shaved-
-then that means
you're really excited.
(Lilith) Oh, are you shaved?
(John) Well, no,
but I can be-
-my Mom has a
razor at home-
(Lilith) Okay, just- stop.
Can you just finger me
and we both keep our pubes?
(John) Yeah, okay.
(John) Uhm sorry, how am I-
(Lilith) No, I think you have
to like, move, your finger.
(John) Oh, oh, okay, how-
here?
(Lilith) No, thats my thigh.
(John) Oh, uhm...
(Lilith) Oh yeah...
that ones good, just like-
[Cheesy Meditation Music]
(Affirmation Voice) Welcome
to affirmations for abundance.
Before we begin, take in
a deep centering breath...
...in through your nose...
...and out through your mouth.
(John) Hey, Dad.
(Pete) Come in.
(Afifrmation Voice)
I am inviting infinite wealth-
(Pete) I am inviting infinite
wealth into my life.
You want to meditate?
I'm okay. Thanks.
(Pete) I use money to
improve the lives of others.
Actually, can I talk
to you for a second?
[Meditation Music Stops]
You okay?
(John) Yeah. Of course,
Dad, I'm just...
...are you all right?
Um, yeah.
Do you know when
the last time-
-you went
to confession was?
Ahh, John...
Well...
...it's been a while.
(John) Hmm.
See this?
This is your soul.
And every time you, uh,
get a divorce, or whatever...
You do that.
And that's not going
to fly-
-when you get
judged after you die.
And I want to hang out
with you in Heaven.
So could you just
go to confession?
John...
I really want to hang out
with you, too.
Listen...
Everybody has to find their
peace thing in this world.
You know? And this...
This is my peace thing.
(Pete) Why dont you
try it with me?
(John) Yeah, but that's just-
No.
(Pete) Why dont you try-
(John) Because it's pagan.
God, just like Harry Potter
and The Golden Compass?
You're not going to
get anything out of this.
It's just people saying words.
Thats exactly how I feel
about your mother's religion.
It's not Mom's religion,
it's THE religion. Its God.
And I'm trying to help
you so you don't get-
-butt fucked by pedophiles
in Hell for eternity.
Yeah, well, I hope they
have lube down there.
(Pete) You mind turning
on my pagan radio?
(Pete) Seriously?!
(Lilith V.O.)
Say hi to your finger for me.
(John V.O.)
Did you like it?
Was it the best ever?
What are we doing
next weekend? Winky face.
P.S., can Bridget give a
Sweet 15 invite to Angelo?
(Lilith) Hey!
[Clock ticking]
(Lilith V.O.) How about this?
You steal a Eucharist
from the sacristy-
-take a shit on it-
-and we can maybe
go to third base.
Winky face with eyelashes.
P.S., Bridget, says sure.
(John) That seems a little
too evil, right?
Like, poop is
really disgusting.
I mean, sure, if you
like poop that much.
Didn't know you were
that kinky-
-winky face,
poop emoji.
(Mr. De Luca)
Climate change!
Is there really
climate change going on?
Or is this just-
-the way things are
supposed to be?
I'd like you to be
skeptical about that.
(Lilith V.O.) Okay, fine.
How about you just
pee on it instead?
[Church Organ Song]
(John) Body of Christ.
(Student) Amen.
Body of Christ.
Amen.
Body of Christ.
Amen.
Body of...
...Christ?
Chr- yeah, Bo- sorry,
Body of Christ.
Just- B- Body of Christ,
Body of Christ
Amen.
(John) Body of Christ...
Body of Christ-
Christ of Body-
Body, Body, oh,
you get two-
Christ, Christ-
Body of...
(Lilith) Hey! Psst.
Hey... I'll, I'll do
the pee thing.
Feed it to her.
What?
Piss on it...
...and feed it to her.
(John) Body of Christ.
Amen.
(Teacher)
Okay, girls, take all-
-your things and
come with me.
Yup. They're gonna
talk to us about fucking.
(John) For real?
(Angelo) Yeah, man.
Girls and guys separated,
boy teacher with the guys?
Were gonna get some
penis-in-vagina talk!
Wow, thats cool- not that,
you know, Ill be needing-
-any tips or anything.
Oh, shut the fuck up.
Ehh... by the, by the way-
Why were you in Brother
Phil's office the other day?
Oh... it's nothing-
its stupid.
My grades suck, and I'm
trying to convince the school-
-its because my Dad died.
Your Dad actually died?
(Angelo) Uhh, yeah.
Cancer of the liver.
Oh, dude. Fuck. I'm so,
I'm so sorry I didn't-
It's, it's all right.
You're good. I'm, I'm okay.
No, I'm sorry I
asked you to-
-lie about cancer
to Brother Phil.
Like, holy...
Hey, it's a good
enough lie, alright?
Cancers out here
fucking shit up.
So, its perfect. Youre good.
Wait, wait- so, that
Bible was your Dad's?
Yeah...
He was an Anglican, and he uh,
he really loved the thing.
(Mr. Myers)
Clap once if you can hear me.
Clap twice if you can hear me.
All right, men.
[manly groan] Men!
Can we be real for a second?
Raise your hand if we
can be real for a second.
Okay.
Raise your hand,
if you like girls.
Uh-huh. Raise your hand
if you care about girls.
Now raise your hand
if you want to fall in love.
Raise your hand
if you want to have a family!
Raise your hand
if you want to marry a slut!
Oh... Huh. Nobody?
Nobody wants to marry a slut.
Garry-
How about you?
You want to marry a slut?
Slu- No no no, no,
I don't want to marry a slut-
-theyre... sm- smelly.
Theyre very-
theyre very smelly.
(Mr. Myers) Come on Garry,
anybody can smell.
(Mr. Myers) Connor O'Connor
smells, is he a slut?
[Laughter]
There was once a beautiful
17 year-old woman-
-at a party.
She made a mistake that night.
She had a beer.
That beer took her
to a dark place...
...it made her lustful.
That lady was hit on
by a young man-
-who asked her to
join him upstairs.
She was going to go with
him, she was gonna f-
She was going to
have sex with him.
But as she was going...
...she was approached by
a good Samaritan.
It was a young man.
He asked the lady-
-what she thought her
soul would look like-
-if she went through
with the act.
That young woman-
-went home a virgin
that night.
That young woman was
a virgin when I met her.
And yes, that beautiful
young woman was a virgin-
-when I married her.
Now men, I am asking
you for one favor-
-on behalf of
the man upstairs.
If Mrs. Myers wasn't
a virgin-
-I wouldn't have
married her-
-you understand?
I'm asking you today-
-I'm asking you every day.
Be good Samaritans.
Don't go around
turning girls into sluts.
(Lilith) Pinch my nipples.
(John) Like, hard?
(Lilith)
No, like, twist a little bit.
[John clears throat]
[John clears throat again]
Okay, do you have to
cough or something, or, like?
No, no, no Im good,
just need some water- after-
(Lilith) Okay.
Do you think this is okay?
I think you're doing
the best you can.
No, not the nipples.
I just...
Do you think it's okay
to be doing all this?
I like it, do you not?
Yeah, yeah I do, it's just...
I dont know, don't you
want to get married one day?
What?
Well, if you're a slut, then-
-like, I don't think a guy
would want to marry you.
(Lilith) You think I'm a slut?
(John) No no no no no-
I, Mr. Myers was saying-
And I don't want
you to be alone.
(Lilith) Why would I be alone?
Because I touched your vagina-
Are you breaking up-
-with me because you
touched my nipples?
No, no, no,
I love your nipples.
I just I, I don't know,
Id marry you-
-but, like, what if
by doing all this-
-I prevent some great
guy-
-from wanting
to marry you?
I don't want to talk about
other guys or marriage!
Okay no fine, I don't
want to marry you-
-but like I would if
nobody else did-
-because I'd feel bad for-
-turning you into
more of a slut.
(John) Ow.
(Lilith) More of a slut?
(Lilith) Okay what do you
mean, more of a slut?
You said you made out
with, like-
-40 guys
or whatever.
I said that to
look cool, idiot.
Ive never even
held hands before you.
How was I supposed
to know that?
It's like, everything
is so fucking boring!
It's like-
pray before every class-
-like, don't wear that-
-don't be that, it's like, I
don't know, okay?
But I live in a different
fucking world in my head.
And I ride motorcycles and-
-and I paint murals and
I'm so beautiful-
-I'm like, fucking
Helen of Troy, okay?!
And I kiss everyone and do
whatever the fuck I want!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I want to go in the
world inside your head.
It sounds amazing.
No.
Lilith, I-
Just dont fucking
come near me!
(Mary) That was some
performance at Mass.
Ready for prayer?
In the name of the Father,
Son, Holy Spirit.
Dear Lord, thank you-
-for bringing us together
on this night.
John.
John?
Do you have anything
you'd like to thank God for?
God's not real.
What was that?
I don't want to pray,
God isn't real.
(Mary) Uh...
In my house, we thank God
for what we receive.
No, no.
I'm not feeding a heathen.
I'm not hungry.
Wh- I dont even-
what is this?
What is this?
I don't even know
what I'm looking at.
What has your father
been telling you? Because-
(Bang on table)
Nothing! Nothing!
He never fucking says
anything to me, okay?!
Stop fucking talking
about him.
(Mary) Go to your room.
(Mary) Give me that.
(Mary) Your father called
this afternoon.
A few days ago, you
were-
-asking him to
go to confession-
-now you're saying
that God's not real.
Baby, what's going on?
I'm just worried about...
...Dads soul, is all
Hes been doing a lot of-
hes been sinning a lot.
Sweetie, it's not your job-
-to get your father
into Heaven.
It's uhm...
It was supposed
to be my job.
Hard job.
(Mary) Yeah.
He's always gambling
until, like, 5 a.m...
Or like, making out
with his money.
Yeah, he only has eyes
for his god...
...god with a small g.
I'm sorry Dad hurt you.
I'm sorry he doesn't
make you feel seen.
(Mary) Baby?
Do I make you feel seen?
Mhm, yeah. Totally.
I just feel, like...
...I feel like when Dad sins,
its like, he just-
-like, he does it naturally.
I don't think he thinks
it's wrong all the time.
Why would, like, why
would God do that?
Like, make you want
to do something bad?
Are you talking about
your Dad right now?
Are you doing anything
more than kissing her?
No- what, Mom!
It is a mortal sin if you are.
I know, I know it is.
And you don't want to be
with anybody-
-who hurts your soul...
...even if they make you
feel less lonely.
I swear on God I'm
not doing anything else-
-we don't even kiss,
really, like-
-like kissing makes me
feel impure.
Okay, good.
(Mary) I love you, I love you.
I love you extra...
Okay...
[Christian rock song]
I love your-
I love your drawings.
Is there anything I can do
to make this better?
Please.
(Lilith) Mr. Myers?
Yeah.
Could I please be seated near
some more girls?
I just uhm...
I don't want to be turned into
a slut by all these boys.
Yes, Miss Arquette,
thats very prudent.
John, why don't you
switch to the other side-
-of the classroom?
(Angelo) I got an outfit
picked out and everything.
And do you know the
fucking-
-girl-to-guy ratio
at these things?
Its going to be like me
and John in a sea of boobs.
And, you know,
she's got to act like-
-she has a few guy friends-
-you know, whatever, right?
(Angelo) I'm probably gonna
get a fucking candle.
(Connor)
Shut up, a fucking candle?
God, he's not
getting a candle.
I'm sorry.
You're-
you're delusional, dude.
Oh, okay. No, its okay.
John's just upset because
he's dating a slut.
You fucking-
you told me to finger her.
No, I didn't-
-I said you wouldn't know
if she was into you-
-unless she was
wet and shaved.
That's different.
Is that not different?
What the-
whatever, man.
All you do is
jerk off to sluts.
What does that
make you, huh?
Shut up and eat
your fucking nuggets.
No no no, you're a fucking
loser, you know that?
Like, why don't you
just-
-talk to girls instead
of being weird?
Here, talk to Garry
like he's a girl.
A girl is just Garry
with boobs.
Garry, Garry, Garry,
Garry, you're a girl.
You're a girl. Go.
(Garry) [drowsy] Im a girl?
(John)
Go, come on, talk to Garry.
Come on. What's the plan?
Talk to Garry like
he's a girl, go!
Okay, its not that fucking
simple!
(John) Yeah it is.
You're just scared.
(Angelo) [mumbling] Fuck you.
(John) The fuck?
(John) Fucking baby. Fuck you!
(Angelo) No fuck you!
Why don't you get
a new table-
-you fucking asshole?!
Why dont you get
a new Dad, bitch?!
(Garry) Woah...
Wait, man, I...
Find a new table.
(John)
Okay, let me just apologize-
(Connor) Go.
(John) But I-
(Connor) Come on, come on.
[All sound vanishes]
(Brother Phil)
What are you going-
-to do with him?
Im-I'm sorry, this is-
-this looks bad.
This looks really bad.
But, my grandpa, is not,
he's not doing well-
I just wanted to give him
final communion.
Please... don't make me
an accessory to sin.
I'm serious. No!
My grandpa, he's sick.
John, don't insult me!
Wh- what are you looking
at me like that for?
What do you want?
What are you going to do, huh-
-you're going to get me
kicked out or something?
I don't, I don't fucking care.
I don't want to be here
anyway. I hate it here.
God gives us free will, John.
If you embrace him,
it'll be with an open heart-
-and an open mind.
Anything less
wouldn't be a choice.
I trust you.
(Intense Score Bursts In)
(Score Builds Intensity)
(Score Drops Out Hard)
(Tense Score Returns)
Im sorry.
(Dissonant Score)
(Sin Powerpoint Voice)
Have I thrown up food-
-when I wasn't feeling ill?
Have I eaten too much
in one sitting?
(Sin Powerpoint Voice)
Do I have an eating disorder?
Hey, don't take this stuff
too seriously, all right?
It's fucking stupid.
Thanks, uhm, I- I just...
It's really hard to deal with
food without having-
-to think about sin,
or whatever.
Yeah, no, I get it.
And hey, even if you do
have an eating disorder-
-I still think you're
really cute, so.
What?
Im- Im saying youre
still cute with a dis-
-nevermind.
(Student)
Thank you, Father.
(Mr. Myers) Okay, Bridget.
Go see Father Albert.
Have I touched another
persons breasts-
-buttocks, vah-gina or penis
outside the sacrament-
-of holy matrimony?
(Score Slowly Builds)
Have I taken the Lords
name in vain?
Have I- severed-
severed- my-
-relationship with God
by denying His existence?
(Mr. Myers)
Alright, John. Youre up.
(Hellish Choir Sings)
Mr. Santucci?
(Teacher)
Hey, no running!
(Score slowly gives way
to heartbeat)
[Coughing]
Im sorry...
Im sorry, Mom...
I'm sorry.
Im sorry.
Im sorry... God...
Im sorry...
(Mrs. Groff) Four days
suspension, eight demerits.
John's next infraction-
-will lead to
immediate expulsion.
I was ready to let you
slum it in Farmingdale High-
-Mr. Santucci...
...you have a friend
on the other side.
(Mary) Brother Phil?
You know him?
He calls every week
to tell me how you are.
How does he think I'm doing?
(Mrs. Groff)
You have eight demerits.
I know you by name.
How do you think
you're doing?
(Mary) He has a lot of
compassion for you.
Brother Phil is
very Christlike.
Christlike...
When you make excuses
for bad behavior-
-youre forgiving.
When you keep order,
you're a square.
A troll under the bridge.
Is John's father the cool one?
Says yes to everything?
And you're the one-
-stuck with the
nasty conversations?
Eat this, not that.
Go to bed.
Do your homework.
No more video games?
I'm a single mom.
Two parents in one.
Not easy.
But you need to try harder.
(Mary) You're grounded.
Okay. Can it- could it
wait until next weekend-
-like there's a
Sweet 15 later-
(Mary) No negotiations.
Okay, well, what if I
saw you instead of Dad-
-for Easter and Thanksgiving?
I can throw in Christmas Eve-
(Mary) JOHN!
(Lilith) I guess with
the slut thing, it felt like-
-you were eating
their shit up.
Really? After I pour-
er, peed on Jesus and-
-fed him to mom?
(Lilith) Thats just stuff
you do for me.
(Lilith) Today was, like, you.
Okay, so why did
I have to-
-steal Jesus
and pee on him?
(Lilith) Just, come
to Bridgets tonight-
-I want us to go
to third base.
(John) Okay, so like...
...do you love me?
(Lilith) Are you dumb?
(Lilith) What do you think?
[Lilith hangs up]
[Cooking Show]
If there's anything funny-
-about this money-
I'm gonna hunt you
down. And Im gonna-
[BOOMING club music]
[party chatter]
Let's go.
Shouldnt I say hi to
Bridget first, I mean?
Who cares? Just-
[laughing] The fuck is this?!
Sorry, I didn't have time
to get a card card.
Just- tell her you
left your card at home-
Shouldn't we find a
more quiet place?
I'll do you.
And then you do me.
You've been so
bad for me, John.
Yeah, pretty uh, pretty bad.
Uhm, what's wrong?
Sorry.
Oh my God, my dress
looks like shit, doesn't it?
I'm like, breaking out,
and my hair is a mess-
No- you look-
you look beautiful, okay?
So then what is it?
Youre really mean sometimes.
I don't like the things
you make me do.
I don't make you do anything.
I'm, like, putting
myself out for you.
And you're completely
fucking rejecting me.
I don't want to reject you,
but the stuff I have to do-
-makes me want to throw
up, and-
-and can't you
just like me?
Like, why do I have to
steal and burn things?
Because that's the only
time you're-
-actually
doing anything.
Everything that you say is
just so fucking wishy washy.
I just want to be with you-
-and you keep sending me
on these demonic quests!
No, no, you don't!
You don't actually
want to be with me!
[Bathroom door opens]
[Loud boy chatter]
Someone just came in
can you please lower your-
Dont fucking shush
me, okay?!
Like- when I kiss you,
I want to kiss you.
When you kiss me-
You- you like the
fucking idea of kissing me.
Like what it means
about you-
-that you got a girl
to kiss you.
(Party Boy) [snickering]
(John) Thats such bull- shhh-
Dont fucking shush me,
it's not bullshit! It's like-
It's like one day I'm
this like-
-trophy that
you want to have-
-and the next Im this
urn that you broke, and like-
I just want to be here!
(Party Boy) Gaaaaaaay!
(Lilith) I just want to kiss!
And you know what?
The only thing that I have
any fucking control over is-
-what I can get your
dumb ass to do for me, so...
Why don't- why dont
you get on your knees-
-and bark like a dog for me!
[Party Boys Jeer Loudly]
No, I don't want to bark.
Stop yelling, please!
We're having a fight in here!
Sorry! Excuse us.
(Party Boy) Sorry, sorry...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay.
I know I'm not good at this.
I'm sorry that I think about
you and other guys.
But that doesn't mean-
-we have to base
everything on-
-you making me
do horrible stuff.
Well...
...what else is there?
You just- you sound really
afraid, and I am too-
But love can't come
from a place of fear.
Yeah, is that some shit
you read on a postcard?
Okay why do you
have to be so mean?!
I told you weeks ago
I loved you-
-and all you
said back was-
-youre silly, youre stupid,
youre this, youre that!
Well I cant just say
shit I dont mean!
I meant it when I said it.
You just said it
so I would say it.
I don't want any of this.
You don't want any of this?
Yeah.
Does that mean
what I think it does?
Yeah.
(Loud Dance Ballad)
Sit up.
You'll know a tree
by its fruit.
What?
You have lied.
You have stolen.
Your conscience is so guilty-
-you ran from confession.
Im not going to do it,
John, okay?
I'm not going to raise
a piece of shit.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Im sorry!
Okay?! I-
Im so sorry-
I dont want to be like Dad-
I'm sorry.
Okay baby,
just look at me-
-look at me, okay?
Look at me.
Come on.
I just want you to
be a good man.
Okay?
I've got this thing
inside me...
...that lives for you.
It's my Mom part.
And Ive got my Dad part.
And, my Lilith part.
And my Brother Phil part.
But...
I don't think
I have a me part.
I don't- I dont know
what that looks like.
But, I mean, sweetie-
-if everyone always lived
for their own-
-me part...
...does that sound like
a world-
-youd want to live in?
Everyone living
for themselves?
I don't know! I dont know!
Why?!
Why does everything-
-have to be a rule
all the time?!
When you are older-
-youre gonna figure
it out, okay?
And maybe you'll
agree with me then.
But for now, you have
to live by my rules.
I thought they were
Gods rules?
My rules are God's rules.
Okay, well, your rules
make me feel like shit.
I- sorry for cursing,
but they make me feel-
-like, they make me
feel really bad.
Well, thats...
...thats a good thing.
God gave you a conscience
for a reason.
Okay?
Sweetie...
...this is good.
Okay, I'm going to
make you a snack-
-and you're going to
feel better. Alright?
You know what I think?
On the first day of school-
-I saw a goose on
the bus ride home.
(Mary)
You want apples or peaches?
Apples.
And this thought
came into my head-
-that the goose was God.
Like-
there he is, Gods a goose!
And that goose didn't
even care about me.
It was just flapping around,
having fun.
It didn't care if I was
serving the Eucharist or-
-or kissing before
marriage, or-
-or touching a girl
down there-
(Mary) What?
-or up there, or anywhere-
(Mary) What- what?
-or setting a Bible on fire!
John?! Wh- what do you-
what are you saying?!
What's going on?!
(John) You know what?!
Lilith sucked my penis
tonight-
-and I didnt even like it!
(Mary) Wh- what? John!
(John) She sucked m- we went-
-to the bathroom and made
out for a little while!
(Mary) Stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it!
That is disgusting!
That is disgusting. Stop that!
What- what, what its
disgusting?!
Am I gonna go to
Hell for that?!
Am I gonna go to Hell
for something-
-I didnt even like?!
Yes, yes you will!
Now, you stop it! Stop!
Your rules fucking suck!
Dont curse. Dont curse!
(John) Your rules fucking-
(John) Fuck! Fuck!
(Mary) Stop! Stop cursing!
Go to confession.
(Mary) Im- I'm sorry.
(John) Go to confession!
(Mary) No! You-
(John) Go to confession.
(Mary) You are not
the son that raised!
(John) Good!
(Mary) I cant believe youd
put those images in my head-
(John) Good!
Go to confession now!
Go to confession!
Thats a sin!
You need to go to confession!
Oh my God!
I hate-
(Game Music)
(John) What is wrong with-
(Mary) Stay still, pig!
(John) Pig, stop moving!
(Mary) He just, he
just, like, flipped.
Every time I press
A, he moves!
Lets get out of this place,
this place is creepy.
(Mary) This place is strange.
It's not strange,
that guy is strange.
Yeah. Super strange, I think.
Okay, now I have to
go to the fighting arena-
-because I want to
get that sword.
(Mary) Mm-hmm.
But I also want to
break every glass.
Youre so funny.
You make me laugh.
(John) [reading] Learn to-
-carry guys on her
head, like me-
-so she could help your
grandmother with chores.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm okay.
(Angelo) Okay, okay.
Im- I'm about to come back.
I'm gonna-
(Student) Go get him
some fucking fries!
(Angelo) Alright, alright.
(Lilith) Hey.
(John) Hey.
Uhm, it's a little cheesy,
but I don't know-
-I really like it.
I like the title.
Yeah.
(Keyboard Keys Clicking)
(John) Hey Dad.
(Pete) Hey, bud.
How's it going?
Good.
Hey, could you
take me to Mom's?
Oh. Are you sure
that's a good idea?
Yeah.
Should I, get out of
the Deadmines first?
I'd really prefer
if we went now.
(Keyboard Keys Clicking)
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee...
Hi.
Did you need something?
I was wondering if
you wanted to go for a walk.
The lake by the bike trail-
-looks really nice
at this time of day.
(Sweet Lullaby Score)
(Score Fades)
Did you know that
geese mate for life?
No, no, that's-
thats really nice.
I was praying for you
when you came in.
Are you doing okay?
Yeah, Im good- Im good.
(Voice Breaking) Mom.
I know Im not exactly-
-the person you were
expecting me to be.
But I...
You are a gift.
I just wanted to see how your
night was-
-whatd you do tonight?
(Pete) I went to
Meg and Larry's.
(Mary) That's right,
that's right-
-Meg and Larrys.
(Pete) What's going on?
(Mary) What what what?
(Mary) Nothings
going on, I-
-I just want to see
how your night was!
(Pete) Youre just up waiting-
-to see how Meg
and Larry were?
(Mary) Yeah, hows
her leg doing?
(Pete) Okay.
(Mary) Really?
(Mary) Because it wasnt
fine a week ago.
(Pete) I know,
its a week later.
(Pete) I think- something
is going on,
-and it would be better if
you just told me.
(Mary) Nothings
going on with you?
(Pete) No.
(Pete) How about we
calm down?
(Mary) I am calm-
-don't tell me to be
calm, dont tell me-
-to calm down,
you know I hate that.
(Mary) Okay, I am calm.
Okay? So tell me, how is-
[Unintelligible]
(Pete) -what is going on?!
[Unintelligible]
(Mary) Why dont you tell me
the fucking truth?
(Pete) Why are you angry?
(Mary) I am not angry,
Stop saying that I am angry!
(Pete) What am I lying about?!
(Mary) Im gonna call Meg, Im
gonna call Meg and were gonna
(Mary) Dont fucking t-
dont fucking touch me.
(Pete) [unintelligible]
-crazy person
(Pete) What are you
accusing me of?!
(Mary) How fucking stupid-
(Mary) -do you think I am!?
Tell me youre not
fucking around!
She is slotted in-
-every Thursday like
a trip to the-
-fucking
dry cleaners!
Oh, stop, stop stop-
(Pete) Why is he awake?
(Mary) My baby-
(Mary) Piece of shit.
Fuck off...
You're really good.
And you're always
going to be really goo-
[Masturbation noises]
[KNOCK]
(Mary) John? Everything
okay in there?
Yeah.
Well, you're taking
a long time.
It's been a while.
Yeah, I know, sorry, I'm just-
I'm just scrubbing. I'm just-
I have to be clean
for orientation.
(Mary) I don't see your
phone in your bedroom.
You arent- you aren't
looking at-
-anything, bad,
in there, right?
No... nope, it's a
game walkthrough.
It's fine.
(Mary) Okay, okay.
(Mary) I believe you.
(Mary) You know what,
I'm just going to stay here-
-until youre finished,
just to be sure.
I'd prefer if I had
a little bit of privacy.
I know you want privacy,
honey, but boys your age-
(John) Mom, you know me,
Im being good-
-Im not doing
anything wrong.
(Mary) No no no,
you want to sin-
-do it at your
father's house-
-okay? From now on-
-phones stay outside
the bathroom.
Just so you know
what's here for breakfast-
-we have almond butter,
multigrain toast-
-bananas, oranges,
apples, pears-
Is it true we have to pray
before every class?
(Mary) And the
Angelus at midday.
Theres hard boiled
eggs, sliced prosciutto-
-turkey chili, lemonade,
chocolate skim milk-
(John) I heard if a guys
hair touches his collar-
-they make you get-
-a buzz cut in the
mens bathroom?
(Mary) Your hair's
pretty short, so...
White dress shirt-
-nice and ironed,
khaki slacks-
-tie is done, all you
need to do is loosen it-
-here's your belt, penny
loafers are at the door.
Is it true they hit us with
rulers when we mess up?
Oh, they stopped
doing that years ago.
You have your
planner, notebooks-
-multicolored
folders, pencil case-
-six sharpened
number two pencils-
-a pen with blue ink-
-a pen with black ink,
a sharpie-
(John) Thanks, Mom.
You're excited, right?
Yeah, yeah. Of course.
Your first day of
high school...
Ugh! I still
remember the-
-doctor putting
you in my arms.
You had these-
-these little bumps right
here, and right here.
I love you.
I love you extra.
[Student Chatter]
(John) Hi, uh...
Excuse me-
do you want to sit?
Erm, no its cool.
I kinda like standing.
(Whispering Student)
Teacher!
(Mrs. Groff) Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Mrs. Groff.
It is my sincere wish-
-that none of you
get to know me-
-during your four
years at St. Dymphnas.
Save nap time for
the ride home.
Fill in your name.
Give this to Mr. De Luca,
after school, room 232.
I'm sorry, I have to
take a lot of buses-
-buses to get here
in the morning...
Go to bed earlier.
Itll be worth it!
If you choose to
wear a colored bra-
-don't whine to me
when your-
-chest gets pinched
in the hallway.
[Connor giggles]
Your fly is undone-
-and your shirt
is sopping wet.
You all lack polish!
But, don't lose hope.
Dymphnas is where
you come to meet God.
Dymphnas is where you go,
to become yourself.
Dymphnas is my alma mater!
In fact, this is
the very room-
-where I met my husband.
Do you know how I met him?
[Garry stammers]
He offered me his seat.
Oh, okay...
Oh! Oh.
Young men,
can you take a hint?
Uh, hey, can you please sit?
No, I told you,
I like standing.
Have you wet yourself-
-or do you have
some excitement-
-you're trying to hide?
No no no no, I, I, I tried-
-to give her my seat,
but she likes standing.
I uhm, I kept asking
him nicely-
-but all he did was
yank my pigtails.
Wh-what? No, no-
that's not-
-that's not
what happened!
(Lilith) [Feigning Distress]
Yeah it is.
(Garry Snoring)
Garry?
Garry?!
What are you in for?
I was the only guy who didn't
stand in the music room.
Damn. Did you have
a boner or something?
No- I don't- no, man. I...
...a girl tricked me.
Mmm... thats pretty hot.
[Whispering] Hey...
they uh, they caught me-
-watching cake fart videos.
What?
(Angelo) Yeah, yeah.
This naked girl, she
sits her ass on a cake-
-and just farts on it.
She doesnt shit or anything.
Just farts.
(John) Oh...
(Angelo) I can send it to you.
You can see-
-you can pick your
favorite-
-we can
talk about it.
Maybe some other time.
I mean, it, yeah, it
sounds pretty hot-
-but like, not,
that's like an after-
that's like, an end
of the week-
-type video
I feel, you know?
[Bus Engine]
[Student Chatter]
[Transcendent Score Creeps In]
[Bus Sounds Fade Away]
[Wind Blowing Through Leaves]
(Mary) Did you sign up
for Eucharistic Ministry?
Oh. Uhh, no.
I'm sorry, it must have
slipped my mind.
Okay.
How about this?
We uh- we take away
your games for tonight-
-and uhhh, just- every
night until you sign up.
What, no, Mom, I-
I'll remember to
do it tomorrow-
(Mary) No no, I insist.
Too many games are bad-
-for the developing mind.
[Hallway Chatter]
(Lilith) My Dads such
a piece of shit.
(Bridget) What happened?
Hes like, down in
Miami partying-
-while my mom gets-
-stuck at home raising four
kids.
(Bridget) Oh, my God,
I can't even imagine that.
Are your parents divorced?
Yeah.
Mine too.
(Bridget) All right,
Ill see you...
When did your Dad leave?
When did your Dad leave?
Uh, like, four years ago,
I think.
Uh, yeah... mine left around
that time as well.
Im sorry.
Are you doing okay?
I never want to see him
again, so, yeah.
Could I borrow a pencil?
Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
[Hallway Chatter
Briefly Fades]
Thanks.
I'm John.
Lilith.
(Angelo) Where would
you guys cum, ass or tits?
(Connor) Uhh, yeah,
Id say shoulders.
(Angelo) [Whispering] John,
look under the table.
I dont really want to
look under the table, guys, I-
(Angelo) Just look!
(John) Whats under the...
[Female porn
star moaning]
(John) Ugh, god, what
the fuck?
(Angelo) Where
would you cum?
(John) What?
(Angelo) Where would you cum?
I mean, outside, I guess.
Outside? What? What
do you mean? How are you-
Why are you
bringing her outside?
(Angelo) How many times
a day do you jerk off?
I mean, I don't have an
approximate number.
I mean, I don't really get
a lot of opportunities.
I wish I could, but,
you know-
-my Moms always
trying to-
-stop me when I'm
at her house.
What do mean your Mom
tries to stop you?
What, does she-
-grab your dick, and
do it herself?
(Connor) Haha, yeah does
your Mom grab your dick?
Connor, I just said that.
You just heard me say that.
You gotta... you gotta
come up something else, man.
She just knows
somehow that I'm-
-you know, jerking it.
(Garry) Gaaaaay.
Im sorry, Im sorry-
(Angelo) Lets go back to
watching this video...
[Cafeteria Chatter Fades]
[Transcendent Music Returns]
(Brother Phil) You here for
E.M. sign-ups?
Oh, uh, uh, yeah, hi-
Im um, Im John.
Bless you. Father.
Im a brother, actually, but
it's nice to meet you, John.
I'm Phil.
So, you want to be
a Eucharistic minister?
Yeah, well, my Mom wanted...
I- I guess...
I, I think I want to have
my own thing, with God.
Yeah, there's nothing
wrong with-
wanting to be close on
your own terms, but...
-how can you act as a,
a bridge...
...between Christ
and His church-
-if you don't have your
own relationship with Him?
Well, I...
I don't know.
I've sort of had this feeling-
-ever since I was a kid, that,
someone was with me-
-like, every second
of the day.
And, it felt
good to know-
I had someone
there seeing-
-all the
beautiful stuff...
...and all the
ugly stuff too.
Do you think that's God?
Meet me here,
after school, on Friday-
-if you want to
start your training.
(Brother Phil) Yeah?
(John) Yeah.
[Barely Audible Mary
Praying Nearby]
(Mary) -now and at the
hour of our death. Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou
amongst women, and-
-blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners-
-now and at the hour
of our death, Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou
amongst women-
-and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
(Lilith) You look nervous.
Uh, yeah, a little bit.
Uh, h- hey, listen...
would, uhm-
-would you ever wanna
be boyfriend?
Be, be uh- have uh-
have a boyfriend?
What?
Ugh- God Im sorry, I-
-uh, do you want
to go out on a date?
Uh well, I mean, I've
already been asked out by-
-like, 11 guys today, so,
I'll consider your offer.
Wow, yeah. 11, okay. But...
I think... you know-
-I like that your
parents are divorced.
(Lilith) What?
(John) No, sorry, sorry-
-I mean, like, I can
relate, and I-
-I don't know, I wanted
to get to know you better.
All my friends talk
about is, like-
-jerking off, so.
Oh-ho... but you're
like, a mature guy.
Uhh...
[deep voice] yeah.
Well, I don't want to
date anyone-
-who believes in God-
-or the tooth fairy
or Santa, so-
(John) I only believe
in one of those, though-
-and that's just cuz
I keep finding-
-money under
my pillow.
Well, youre no Abercrombie
and Fitch model, but...
(John) But...?
(Lilith) I need you to
say something.
Yeah, sure. Anything.
I'll say anything.
Say fuck Jesus for me.
[Hallway Chatter Fades]
[Percussive Score]
Yeah. Okay. Sure.
Yeah, FUCK Jesus.
Fffff-
[Clears throat]
Sorry...
Ffffff-ull of love, love
for all, you know.
Okay. No, it has to be
like, fuck you, Jesus.
Yeah, sure, right.
[Female Students
Giggling]
Fuck, Jesus!
(Lilith) No, thats like you
ran into Jesus at the park.
Fuck, [coughs] Jesus.
No. One statement. Go.
Jesus fuck.
(Lilith) In order!
(John) [mumbles]
(Lilith) Okay dude I need to
be able to hear it.
(John) [mumbles louder]
(Lilith) Just fucking say it!
(John) [growls] Fuck Jesus,
okay? Fuck Jesus!
[Hallway chatter returns]
(Lilith) Good.
We can hang out Friday,
uh, after school?
Sounds, like a plan.
(Lilith) Yeah, see ya.
(Mary) And who is this?
-nothing, no one in
particular, you know?
[Sly gloating] Ohhh
no one, nothing-
Do you have a little crush?
You gonna put her next
to your algebra teacher?
Oh, no, Mom, Miss
Quail was years ago.
I dont even
have her Mii anymore.
Yeah, you know, I don't-
I don't have a crush, okay?
I have- I have a girlfriend.
(Mary) Oh.
Okay. Oh. Uhh...
She a good girl? She Catholic?
(John) Yeah, she goes to,
she goes to Dymphnas, yeah.
Beautiful, uhm...
so you have a date?
Maybe.
Mmm! Okay-
alright, uhm...
What uh, what are you
going to wear?
I have this pretty cool-
-Walking Dead t-shirt.
Like, we can iron that.
Oh, baby, baby, I think
maybe a nice button up-
-you roll up the sleeves,
a little bow tie, ugh!
So cute- okay, Ill
go to Marshalls tomorrow.
Oh. Uh... okay...
...let's have a little talk.
Okay?
Wait a month before
hugging... and then, just...
...don't, you know, dont-
-don't hug too tightly because
it could encourage your...
...your baser instincts.
Mom, I don't think
we're that close yet.
Good. Well, I hope she
passes the Mom test.
(John) The Mom test?
If you look happy
next to her, she passes.
Ooh! First date!
(School Bell Ringing)
(Female Student)
Excuse me?
(John) Angelo!
(Angelo) Jesus!
(Angelo) What are you,
trying to fuck me?
(John) You wish. Whats up?
Well, I just shit the bed on
my first English quiz, so...
...theres that. (John)
That sucks, man. I'm sorry.
(John) Hey, listen, could
you do me a quick favor?
Could you run to the
chapel-
-and tell Brother Phil
I can't make-
-E.M. training? Tell him
my Grandpa has cancer.
You can pick the organ.
I don't know, man.
I don't really feel
comfortable-
-talking to priests.
I always feel like they're
trying to-
-suck my dick
or something.
Well, he's a brother, so.
Oh, sorry, so hes gonna
fuck me in the ass instead?
Dude, help me out.
I have a date.
You have a mom, right?
Yeah. We all have moms.
Yeah, but yours is like...
Send me a picture of her.
Ughh no way dude!
I dont want you jerking off
to my Mom!
Youre a sick little fuck,
you know that?
I just wanna
see what she looks like.
Look, my bus leaves
in three minutes, so-
-just send me a little
pic of Mrs. Santucci.
No- listen, you guys
can come over-
-to my house
this weekend-
-alright? You can meet her.
Shes a kind,
respectable woman.
[Student Chatter Fades]
We're going to get pizza.
White pie.
I get my own white pie.
Deal.
You got a Wii?
I got a Wii.
(Pete) Paul, Paul!
Hey- listen, I- I hear you.
Yes, Im listening,
buddy, yeah.
What I need you
to do is-
-I need you to
calm down, okay?
And what you
need to do is-
-listen to me,
alright, buddy?
Alright? Alr- hey!
Ears on. Ears on.
Okay? If- let's say-
let's talk logic.
Logic! Its very simple.
If you double your
rate of failure-
-you triple your
rate of success.
If we sell tile to ten
people-
-and they tell
ten of their friends-
-and they tell ten...
(John) Hey, Dad,
guess what?
Hey, buddy, what's up?
I have a girlfriend!
Hey! Same here.
High five.
Oh, yeah. Awesome.
Good, good for you, uh...
What about...
...what about rook to E2?
I mean, you could sack it
and then-
(Pete) -fork
the king with the rook.
Not bad.
Listen, I uh, I have
a date tonight-
-and I need a ride.
You need money for
a taxi?
The change jar
could use emptying.
Oh, shit. I should
have seen that.
Dad, I was thinking
maybe you could drive me?
She's also a child of
divorce and-
-her Mom
wants to meet me.
I thought it would be cool
if you two like, got-
(Pete) Listen-
I have had... a day.
I can't even tell you.
I just got home,
I got my feet up...
I really...
I just need to... relax.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, my Dad's trying
to get rid of his change.
Thank you. Have a-
stay safe.
Hi, I'm John- no, wait...
Ive heard so much-
no, fuck...
Hi. I'm John. Great to...
[Doorbell]
You can go. Its fine,
go, Im here...
(Bruce) Hello.
(John) Uh, hi.
You must be Rachel's
special friend.
Yeah. I'm John. Great to-
-great to meet you.
Is that your Dad back there?
Can I say hello to him?
(John) No no no, I-
-I don't know who that guy is.
Uh, my dad just got here.
He drove-
-he just left. He drove me.
He's very...
-he wanted to make sure
I got here safe and sound.
He's very invested in...
getting me...
He's very invested in me,
you know, just in general-
You can come in.
Rachel! Hes here.
(Lilith) Hey.
(John) Hey.
You look, uh...
(Bruce) Where'd you get that?
Uh, I don't know, Hollister?
Thats a... tight fit.
Okay?
Why don't you
put on something-
-that tells me you
respect yourself?
(Lilith) Dad...
(Bruce) I mean-
-dont you agree?
I, I- I- first of all,
I think I have, a lot of...
...respect, for your daughter.
I'm talking about
the tank top.
I, I like the fabric,
I mean...
[Squeaky chair]
We have something
in common, John.
You know what that is?
Are you a, Mets fan?
You know-
-David Wright's been having-
-a hell of a season,
you know?
I'm actually a Yankees fan.
Yeah. You know,
I- I love-
-the Yankees, too,
I mean...
Right...
But, there is something
specific that we both share.
Yeah, we're both Catholic.
Yeah.
Yes, yes...
...but there is a
particular person-
-in our lives that
we both care about.
Right, thats Jesus.
No, John...
It's Rachel.
Yeah, Rachel!
That makes sense.
I mean, I was-
I was just thinking of Him.
I would like to know-
-what your intentions
are with my daughter.
Well, I guess I'm drawn to
Lil- Rachel-
-because she said her
parents were divorced.
Wait wh-
what did she tell you?
(Clara) So good to meet you.
(John) So good as well.
So good.
And what a lovely, uh...
...intact, family unit.
(Bruce) Rachel, would you
like to lead us in prayer?
I'd love it if John
could lead us, actually.
Well, thank you,
Rachel, and-
-thank you, God, for...
honesty.
Thank you for all of
your holy children who-
-represent themselves
accurately. Amen.
Actually, I'd like to
add something.
Lord, thank you for
those who are adaptable.
Thank you for our
brothers-
-sisters who
know how to-
-go with the flow
and not take-
-every little
thing so seriously.
(Lilith) Amen.
(John) That was beautiful,
Rachel, and I might add-
Thank you God,
for the-
-responsible souls
among us.
Thank you for those
who take ownership-
-over their sins-
-say, lying, for example- ow.
(Lilith) Great God
of all things-
Thank you so much
for your children-
-who know how to
appreciate-
-an active
imagination.
Holy Spirit, thank you for
the blessed few-
-that would never-
-dress up a vice
and call it a virtue.
(Lilith) God, thank you for-
-those who know when
to shut up and eat.
(John) Thank you Lord Jesus-
-for those who don't
have an appetite-
-because they feel hurt-
-when they've been lied to.
(Bruce) I'd like to
add something.
Thank you Lord for
all of your children-
-who go to
Eucharistic adoration-
-as penance for making
a scene at dinner.
Are you serious?
My first date at adoration?!
I wanted to hang out-
-or go for a walk, or
like literally anything else.
Youre 15 years old,
Rachel. Ill decide-
-where you can and
can't go-
-with your
special friend.
He's my boyfriend.
Mom, can we just hang out?
HEY!
Do not wedge yourself-
-between your
mother and father.
(John) Oh, nice-
nice one.
(Lilith) Yeah... you werent
much help back there.
(John) Sorry, I didn't know-
-you were going to
have a Dad.
(Lilith) Yeah, well,
I wish I didn't, so.
(John) So you just
lied about it?
(Lilith) Its not a lie if
it makes you feel better.
Wow, okay... well-
-I'm glad you're
feeling better.
And just so you know,
I'm six-foot-four-
Okay. Can you stop?!
(John) Its not a lie if
it makes you feel better.
I didn't know what to
tell you, okay?
Because like,
I don't like him at all-
-I don't even like my name-
-I didn't want to
go to this-
-fucking school
he makes me go to-
I don't know what
you want me to do-
-okay?!
Could you maybe
talk to your Mom about it?
My Mom's like...
...that picture of
a face with no mouth, so.
Wow. Our Moms
are really different.
(Lilith) Is yours super
controlling?
Oh, no no no
no, she's- she's like-
-she just likes to
look out for me, is all.
Was that her?
Wh- no no no
no, I dress myself, so.
Well, it looks a little
dumb. Just FYI.
Oh, sorry, let me just-
Well, I mean, you
wore it, so.
Actually, I can fix it.
Yeah.
(John) Where-
where are we going?
(Lilith) Just-
come on. Youll see.
(John) Okay.
(John) So uh, do you
come here often, or?
(Lilith) Uh... yeah.
Like, alone or with your-
with your family, or?
Well, I mean, like, yeah,
my Dad makes me come here-
-but, I dont know,
I found-
-this spot
that I kind of like.
(John) You come here alone?
Yeah, always.
I- I usually come with my Mom-
-if she's not busy, you know.
Well, yeah. That makes sense.
(John) Yeah.
(Lilith) Yeah, they usually
just drop me off.
(John) Thats,
Im sorry to hear-
-that sounds lonely.
It's okay.
(John) Garry.
(Connor) Garry. Garry.
(Everyone) Garry.
Garry! Garry! Garry!
(John) Garry! Wake up!
(Connor) Garry, please
wake up.
(Connor) Wake up, youre
going to kill us.
(Garry) [drowsy]
What game is this?
(John) Mario.
(Mary) [Italian accent] Did
somebody order a pizza?
(Angelo) Thank you so
very much, Mrs. Santucci.
(Mary) Oh please,
call me Miss Romano.
(Connor) Of course,
yeah yeah yeah.
(Mary) Okay boys, have fun!
(John) Thanks, Mom.
(John) Dont say it-
(Boys) Dude, shes SO hot!
(Angelo) I'm taking a photo
with her before I leave.
Dude, I'll fucking
kill you, okay?
(Garry) Number one MILF,
on the list, for sure...
Ahh. Don't touch that pie.
Thats my pie.
Oh, how did the date go?
She touch your penis? Mouth?
Hands? Over the jeans?
No. Well, I think it went-
yeah, it was great, actually.
We, we went to adoration,
and held hands-
-and talked and...
held hands.
[Laughter]
(Angelo) What did you
skip through the-
-fucking meadow together?
(Garry) What, you just
fucking held her hand?
Yeah. Is there a problem?
(Connor) Dude, she
thinks you're gay.
(Angelo) Definitely.
(Angelo) I mean, you can't
even know if-
-she likes you unless
you make out with her.
(Angelo) Like you probably
gotta feel downstairs-
-see if she's wet, too.
Like, you have no idea.
(Connor) And if shes shaved?
Fuck. Yeah, definitely.
If she hasn't shaved-
-she wasn't looking
forward to anything.
Okay, how do you guys
know all this?
(Angelo) Because we're
fucking experts, all right?
We've done our research.
Okay, well, how many-
-how many girls have
you guys dated?
(Angelo) Well, zero, but-
-I watch a lot of porn,
alright?
I know what
I'm talking about.
(Student Announcer)
Class of 2012-
-this is your
last chance-
-to submit to Project
Appreciation-
-to receive
the Early Bird discount.
(Student Announcer 2)
Please hurry home-
-and tell your parents.
This is so much more
than a trip to Israel.
(John) [whispering] Hi.
(Lilith) [whispering] Hey.
(John) How-
how are you doing?
Fine, how are you?
Pretty good...
overall, you know.
(John) I had a lot of fun,
the other day.
(John) Did you want to-
-hang out again
at some point?
Yeah, you wanna go-
-watch people bowl
with me?
Go bowling?
(Lilith) No. I like
watching the bowlers.
It's fun. And then, you don't-
-have to pay or anything-
-and they actually can't
kick you out.
I've done it before.
Yeah, it sounds,
it sounds lovely.
You know, I'm cool
with whatever-
-as long as its
with you.
Yeah.
[Romantic Music]
(Student Announcer 2) And,
will John Santucci-
-please see Brother Phil
in his office.
John! Sit down.
So sorry about Friday-
my Grandpa, he-
Oh, no, I, I heard.
How's everything at home?
Are you all right?
Oh, no no. I'm good,
Moms good.
It's just like, you know-
-a whole, a total
tragedy, you know-
-just, cancer of the,
of the, the-
(Brother Phil) the liver?
(John) The liver. Yeah.
Yeah. Its tough, it's
really, it's really tough.
But... is there any way-
-I can make up for
my training?
(Brother Phil) John...
(John) Yeah.
Is this what you
want to do?
(John) Yeah.
(Brother Phil)
Don't say the-
-first thing that
pops in your head.
(Brother Phil) Think about it.
(John) Well, Im sure-
(Borther Phil) No, no, no,
no. Don't talk.
Just sit and think.
(John) Sure.
(Brother Phil) No, John.
(Brother Phil) Just...
breathe with me.
Do you think when
Satan fell from Heaven...
...his friends saw
him falling?
Or his Mom?
Did he have a Mom?
If I held a gun to your head-
-and told you to say
you love me-
-and you did, does that
constitute love in your mind?
Probably not.
Right. Love can't come
from a place of fear.
The Eucharist...
its not about-
-being who somebody
wants you to be.
It's about being like Christ.
Can I serve at the
next monthly mass?
If you keep working on
your relationship with God.
No distractions.
Okay.
Thank you, Bro Phil.
Oh. Uh, sorry, am I early?
No, no. Come in, we were
just wrapping it up.
And John... no distract-
[Booming Score]
(John) [whispering] Hey.
(Lilith) [whispering] What?
(John) Can I kiss you?
(Lilith) Uhm... okay...
(Lilith) But!
(Lilith) This is holy water,
from Lordes.
(John) Wow, doesnt that,
like, cure cancer?
See that dog over there?
[Tense Music]
(Friend) Hi?
Hi, excuse me, can I-
I'm sorry, I, I mean-
-I, I saw you
from over there-
-and I- your dog from
over there-
-and I thought it
looked cute.
Can I pet him, or her?
(Maggie) Guys, does
he look weird?
He's like...
McLovin adjacent.
Yeah, you can pet her.
Okay, cool, yeah.
You know, I love
the McRib, too, uhm...
So uh, how-
how did the game go?
(Maggie) Let's just say-
-the dog did better
than us.
Oh, thats- sorry to hear.
Like, is it, like,
classically trained?
(Maggie) Well, she is a
professional doggo.
(John) O-okay... so uh...
...have you guys been
here for a while?
A couple hours, yeah.
(John) How long have you-
-how long have you had
him or, her?
(Maggie) Chloe, I've
had her about five years.
(Friend) Excuse me.
What is that?
(John) What is what?
(Friend) What is that that
you're putting in the bowl?
(Maggie) What's going on?
(Friend) Hes putting
something into Chloes bowl.
(John) No- no no
its holy water!
Its holy, its holy
water from Lordes.
(John) It's fine.
(Friend) Can you leave?
(Owner) What's going on here?
(Maggie) This person is trying
to poison my damn dog.
(John) No no, no, you
can drink it, see! It's-
[Choking]
Sorry.
(Lilith Giggling)
(Lilith) That was fun.
For you, I bet.
For you too!
Can I kiss you?
Take off your sweatshirt.
Okay.
Come under!
Oh, okay.
Let's pretend...
...we're in a cave,
at the bottom of the ocean.
Serene.
Wow.
I think I love you.
Youre silly...
Sorry. Was- was the-
was the kiss not good, or?
No, it was acceptable.
Acceptable? Like, you know-
-compared to all the other
guys youve kissed?
Well I haven- well,
Ive... uhm, I don't know-
-I mean, I've made
out with, like-
-20 or... 40, guys, so...
(John) Uh-huh.
Well, you're the
first girl I've kissed, so...
Well, maybe you
just need more practice.
I'm gonna need you guys
to get off my property.
Right, yeah, o-okay, yeah.
Do you think I'm gay?
(Lilith) What? No.
(John) Okay, okay. Cool.
Do you kiss
other guys like this?
(Lilith) What does that mean?
(John) No, like, am I-
-am I doing better?
Has a guy ever touched you,
like, down there?
Do you not like
kissing me or something?
Yeah, no, I do, I, I do
like kissing you, Im sorry.
Im being dumb,
I'm being stupid.
I'm sorry. I just, like...
I dont know, I
thought if we did-
-something youve
never done before-
-then that's how I'd
know you like me.
I just want to kiss-
-and youre talking
about other guys.
No, no, no, I just,
I just want to kiss, too.
I j- I'm, look, I, I
do like you, okay?
I, I, I mean, I told you I
loved you, so...
(Lilith)
Those are just words.
Okay, well,
how can I-
-show you that
I love you?
What if you, like,
got a Bible, and like...
...lit it on fire?
Jesus, wh- what?
(Lilith) I mean, there's a
lot of Bibles in the world.
Like, literally every hotel
room.
(John) It just seems
like a waste of paper...
[Phone buzzing]
What? Whos calling you?
(Mary) Hey, baby!
(Mary) John?
Where are you?
You must be
John's little friend.
Yeah. I'm Lilith,
John's girlfriend.
(Lilith) Its nice to
meet you, Mrs. Santucci.
Oh, I prefer Mrs. Romano,
if you don't mind.
What are you two
doing behind the shed?
We were-
we were just-
-taking pictures.
Its a nice background.
You know, I- I've-
-heard such nice
things about you.
(Mary) And I've heard
so little about you.
Tell me, Lily, how are you
doing in school?
Uh, very well, so far.
All A's in English, algebra-
-earth science, scriptures,
church history-
Well well well, look at you.
There must be some class
youre doing poorly in.
(John) Mom, Mom-
(Lilith) Oh, no, I'm pretty
much good at everything.
And what about your faith,
do you attend mass?
Every Sunday.
And what about your
faith, Mrs. Santucci?
Have you gotten an annulment-
-to absolve the sin of
your divorce yet?
[Pained chuckle]
Does she not pass
the Mom test?
(Mary) Do you look happy?
I really like her.
Is that your heart,
or something else?
Wh- what?
(Mary) When you are sucking
face behind a shed-
-is that your heart or
something in your pants?
M-Mom seriously? (Mary) No,
you want to be an adult?
Let's talk like adults.
Why do you like her
so much?
(John) I- I dont know,
shes always-
She's really clever.
And she always-
-knows when she
doesnt like something.
And like, I don't, I
dont feel like-
-lonely, when
Im with her.
Great metric. Toss away
all your hopes for a partner-
- and marry so
you can feel less-
-lonely, just- thats...
works every time.
(John) Okay, Mom.
[Quiet Score]
Hey, can you help
settle a debate?
(Mary) What do you mean?
My friends and I were
arguing about-
-whether the
English Standard-
-or the New Living
Translation-
-is the least holy Bible.
Pff, youre arguing
least holy-
-and no one brought up
the King James Version?
[Convection Oven DING]
[Gunshots and Zombie
Groans from TV]
(Connor) Pizza Boys
are ready.
(Angelo) Oh shit, Garry,
get the Pizza Boys... Garry!
Angelo, is this your Bible?
(Angelo) Huh?
(John) Is this your Bible?
(Angelo) Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that's my dads.
(Angelo) Hey, can you
get the Pizza Boys?
(John) Yeah, yeah.
You know, this is,
like, the-
-least Holy Bible
there is.
Its like negative holy.
(Angelo) Yeah-
Can you please get
the Pizza Boys?
Look at Garry, hes
fuckin losing weight-
-Im worried about him.
(John) Yeah- Im just,
I don't know-
-this Bible is like-
I'm not... Im really
not vibing with it.
Like, could I
bring this to-
-a priest real quick
just so I can-
-exorcise any demons-
-that could be lurking
inside of it?
Yes, sure, sure. Just, get
the Pizza Boys, and uh...
...that uh, that friend
of your girlfriends, just-
give me an invitation
to her Sweet 15.
Bridget?
Yeah. Yeah, whatever
her name is-
-I dont remember.
You got a little crush?
No, I don't have a crush,
I just want to- fuck off!
(John) Why do you
want to see her?
I mean, you don't know
her name-
-but you
want to see her.
(Angelo) The pizza!
(John) Yeah, okay.
[Tense Music]
[Music swells]
(Lilith) Lets do it now.
(John) Like- like, now,
now? Right now?
(Lilith) Yeah. It would be
so bad. Lets do it.
(John) I mean, okay,
if you want...
Oh. Youre...
pretty wet down there.
(Lilith)
Well, yeah, weve-
-been making out
for a half hour.
Yeah, but I'm also
kind of feeling-
-youre kind of hairy-
-down there too.
Does that mean
you only half like me?
(Lilith) What- am I
supposed to be shaved?
(John) No no no no no no.
I just, you know, I have it
on good information-
-that if you're shaved-
-then that means
you're really excited.
(Lilith) Oh, are you shaved?
(John) Well, no,
but I can be-
-my Mom has a
razor at home-
(Lilith) Okay, just- stop.
Can you just finger me
and we both keep our pubes?
(John) Yeah, okay.
(John) Uhm sorry, how am I-
(Lilith) No, I think you have
to like, move, your finger.
(John) Oh, oh, okay, how-
here?
(Lilith) No, thats my thigh.
(John) Oh, uhm...
(Lilith) Oh yeah...
that ones good, just like-
[Cheesy Meditation Music]
(Affirmation Voice) Welcome
to affirmations for abundance.
Before we begin, take in
a deep centering breath...
...in through your nose...
...and out through your mouth.
(John) Hey, Dad.
(Pete) Come in.
(Afifrmation Voice)
I am inviting infinite wealth-
(Pete) I am inviting infinite
wealth into my life.
You want to meditate?
I'm okay. Thanks.
(Pete) I use money to
improve the lives of others.
Actually, can I talk
to you for a second?
[Meditation Music Stops]
You okay?
(John) Yeah. Of course,
Dad, I'm just...
...are you all right?
Um, yeah.
Do you know when
the last time-
-you went
to confession was?
Ahh, John...
Well...
...it's been a while.
(John) Hmm.
See this?
This is your soul.
And every time you, uh,
get a divorce, or whatever...
You do that.
And that's not going
to fly-
-when you get
judged after you die.
And I want to hang out
with you in Heaven.
So could you just
go to confession?
John...
I really want to hang out
with you, too.
Listen...
Everybody has to find their
peace thing in this world.
You know? And this...
This is my peace thing.
(Pete) Why dont you
try it with me?
(John) Yeah, but that's just-
No.
(Pete) Why dont you try-
(John) Because it's pagan.
God, just like Harry Potter
and The Golden Compass?
You're not going to
get anything out of this.
It's just people saying words.
Thats exactly how I feel
about your mother's religion.
It's not Mom's religion,
it's THE religion. Its God.
And I'm trying to help
you so you don't get-
-butt fucked by pedophiles
in Hell for eternity.
Yeah, well, I hope they
have lube down there.
(Pete) You mind turning
on my pagan radio?
(Pete) Seriously?!
(Lilith V.O.)
Say hi to your finger for me.
(John V.O.)
Did you like it?
Was it the best ever?
What are we doing
next weekend? Winky face.
P.S., can Bridget give a
Sweet 15 invite to Angelo?
(Lilith) Hey!
[Clock ticking]
(Lilith V.O.) How about this?
You steal a Eucharist
from the sacristy-
-take a shit on it-
-and we can maybe
go to third base.
Winky face with eyelashes.
P.S., Bridget, says sure.
(John) That seems a little
too evil, right?
Like, poop is
really disgusting.
I mean, sure, if you
like poop that much.
Didn't know you were
that kinky-
-winky face,
poop emoji.
(Mr. De Luca)
Climate change!
Is there really
climate change going on?
Or is this just-
-the way things are
supposed to be?
I'd like you to be
skeptical about that.
(Lilith V.O.) Okay, fine.
How about you just
pee on it instead?
[Church Organ Song]
(John) Body of Christ.
(Student) Amen.
Body of Christ.
Amen.
Body of Christ.
Amen.
Body of...
...Christ?
Chr- yeah, Bo- sorry,
Body of Christ.
Just- B- Body of Christ,
Body of Christ
Amen.
(John) Body of Christ...
Body of Christ-
Christ of Body-
Body, Body, oh,
you get two-
Christ, Christ-
Body of...
(Lilith) Hey! Psst.
Hey... I'll, I'll do
the pee thing.
Feed it to her.
What?
Piss on it...
...and feed it to her.
(John) Body of Christ.
Amen.
(Teacher)
Okay, girls, take all-
-your things and
come with me.
Yup. They're gonna
talk to us about fucking.
(John) For real?
(Angelo) Yeah, man.
Girls and guys separated,
boy teacher with the guys?
Were gonna get some
penis-in-vagina talk!
Wow, thats cool- not that,
you know, Ill be needing-
-any tips or anything.
Oh, shut the fuck up.
Ehh... by the, by the way-
Why were you in Brother
Phil's office the other day?
Oh... it's nothing-
its stupid.
My grades suck, and I'm
trying to convince the school-
-its because my Dad died.
Your Dad actually died?
(Angelo) Uhh, yeah.
Cancer of the liver.
Oh, dude. Fuck. I'm so,
I'm so sorry I didn't-
It's, it's all right.
You're good. I'm, I'm okay.
No, I'm sorry I
asked you to-
-lie about cancer
to Brother Phil.
Like, holy...
Hey, it's a good
enough lie, alright?
Cancers out here
fucking shit up.
So, its perfect. Youre good.
Wait, wait- so, that
Bible was your Dad's?
Yeah...
He was an Anglican, and he uh,
he really loved the thing.
(Mr. Myers)
Clap once if you can hear me.
Clap twice if you can hear me.
All right, men.
[manly groan] Men!
Can we be real for a second?
Raise your hand if we
can be real for a second.
Okay.
Raise your hand,
if you like girls.
Uh-huh. Raise your hand
if you care about girls.
Now raise your hand
if you want to fall in love.
Raise your hand
if you want to have a family!
Raise your hand
if you want to marry a slut!
Oh... Huh. Nobody?
Nobody wants to marry a slut.
Garry-
How about you?
You want to marry a slut?
Slu- No no no, no,
I don't want to marry a slut-
-theyre... sm- smelly.
Theyre very-
theyre very smelly.
(Mr. Myers) Come on Garry,
anybody can smell.
(Mr. Myers) Connor O'Connor
smells, is he a slut?
[Laughter]
There was once a beautiful
17 year-old woman-
-at a party.
She made a mistake that night.
She had a beer.
That beer took her
to a dark place...
...it made her lustful.
That lady was hit on
by a young man-
-who asked her to
join him upstairs.
She was going to go with
him, she was gonna f-
She was going to
have sex with him.
But as she was going...
...she was approached by
a good Samaritan.
It was a young man.
He asked the lady-
-what she thought her
soul would look like-
-if she went through
with the act.
That young woman-
-went home a virgin
that night.
That young woman was
a virgin when I met her.
And yes, that beautiful
young woman was a virgin-
-when I married her.
Now men, I am asking
you for one favor-
-on behalf of
the man upstairs.
If Mrs. Myers wasn't
a virgin-
-I wouldn't have
married her-
-you understand?
I'm asking you today-
-I'm asking you every day.
Be good Samaritans.
Don't go around
turning girls into sluts.
(Lilith) Pinch my nipples.
(John) Like, hard?
(Lilith)
No, like, twist a little bit.
[John clears throat]
[John clears throat again]
Okay, do you have to
cough or something, or, like?
No, no, no Im good,
just need some water- after-
(Lilith) Okay.
Do you think this is okay?
I think you're doing
the best you can.
No, not the nipples.
I just...
Do you think it's okay
to be doing all this?
I like it, do you not?
Yeah, yeah I do, it's just...
I dont know, don't you
want to get married one day?
What?
Well, if you're a slut, then-
-like, I don't think a guy
would want to marry you.
(Lilith) You think I'm a slut?
(John) No no no no no-
I, Mr. Myers was saying-
And I don't want
you to be alone.
(Lilith) Why would I be alone?
Because I touched your vagina-
Are you breaking up-
-with me because you
touched my nipples?
No, no, no,
I love your nipples.
I just I, I don't know,
Id marry you-
-but, like, what if
by doing all this-
-I prevent some great
guy-
-from wanting
to marry you?
I don't want to talk about
other guys or marriage!
Okay no fine, I don't
want to marry you-
-but like I would if
nobody else did-
-because I'd feel bad for-
-turning you into
more of a slut.
(John) Ow.
(Lilith) More of a slut?
(Lilith) Okay what do you
mean, more of a slut?
You said you made out
with, like-
-40 guys
or whatever.
I said that to
look cool, idiot.
Ive never even
held hands before you.
How was I supposed
to know that?
It's like, everything
is so fucking boring!
It's like-
pray before every class-
-like, don't wear that-
-don't be that, it's like, I
don't know, okay?
But I live in a different
fucking world in my head.
And I ride motorcycles and-
-and I paint murals and
I'm so beautiful-
-I'm like, fucking
Helen of Troy, okay?!
And I kiss everyone and do
whatever the fuck I want!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I want to go in the
world inside your head.
It sounds amazing.
No.
Lilith, I-
Just dont fucking
come near me!
(Mary) That was some
performance at Mass.
Ready for prayer?
In the name of the Father,
Son, Holy Spirit.
Dear Lord, thank you-
-for bringing us together
on this night.
John.
John?
Do you have anything
you'd like to thank God for?
God's not real.
What was that?
I don't want to pray,
God isn't real.
(Mary) Uh...
In my house, we thank God
for what we receive.
No, no.
I'm not feeding a heathen.
I'm not hungry.
Wh- I dont even-
what is this?
What is this?
I don't even know
what I'm looking at.
What has your father
been telling you? Because-
(Bang on table)
Nothing! Nothing!
He never fucking says
anything to me, okay?!
Stop fucking talking
about him.
(Mary) Go to your room.
(Mary) Give me that.
(Mary) Your father called
this afternoon.
A few days ago, you
were-
-asking him to
go to confession-
-now you're saying
that God's not real.
Baby, what's going on?
I'm just worried about...
...Dads soul, is all
Hes been doing a lot of-
hes been sinning a lot.
Sweetie, it's not your job-
-to get your father
into Heaven.
It's uhm...
It was supposed
to be my job.
Hard job.
(Mary) Yeah.
He's always gambling
until, like, 5 a.m...
Or like, making out
with his money.
Yeah, he only has eyes
for his god...
...god with a small g.
I'm sorry Dad hurt you.
I'm sorry he doesn't
make you feel seen.
(Mary) Baby?
Do I make you feel seen?
Mhm, yeah. Totally.
I just feel, like...
...I feel like when Dad sins,
its like, he just-
-like, he does it naturally.
I don't think he thinks
it's wrong all the time.
Why would, like, why
would God do that?
Like, make you want
to do something bad?
Are you talking about
your Dad right now?
Are you doing anything
more than kissing her?
No- what, Mom!
It is a mortal sin if you are.
I know, I know it is.
And you don't want to be
with anybody-
-who hurts your soul...
...even if they make you
feel less lonely.
I swear on God I'm
not doing anything else-
-we don't even kiss,
really, like-
-like kissing makes me
feel impure.
Okay, good.
(Mary) I love you, I love you.
I love you extra...
Okay...
[Christian rock song]
I love your-
I love your drawings.
Is there anything I can do
to make this better?
Please.
(Lilith) Mr. Myers?
Yeah.
Could I please be seated near
some more girls?
I just uhm...
I don't want to be turned into
a slut by all these boys.
Yes, Miss Arquette,
thats very prudent.
John, why don't you
switch to the other side-
-of the classroom?
(Angelo) I got an outfit
picked out and everything.
And do you know the
fucking-
-girl-to-guy ratio
at these things?
Its going to be like me
and John in a sea of boobs.
And, you know,
she's got to act like-
-she has a few guy friends-
-you know, whatever, right?
(Angelo) I'm probably gonna
get a fucking candle.
(Connor)
Shut up, a fucking candle?
God, he's not
getting a candle.
I'm sorry.
You're-
you're delusional, dude.
Oh, okay. No, its okay.
John's just upset because
he's dating a slut.
You fucking-
you told me to finger her.
No, I didn't-
-I said you wouldn't know
if she was into you-
-unless she was
wet and shaved.
That's different.
Is that not different?
What the-
whatever, man.
All you do is
jerk off to sluts.
What does that
make you, huh?
Shut up and eat
your fucking nuggets.
No no no, you're a fucking
loser, you know that?
Like, why don't you
just-
-talk to girls instead
of being weird?
Here, talk to Garry
like he's a girl.
A girl is just Garry
with boobs.
Garry, Garry, Garry,
Garry, you're a girl.
You're a girl. Go.
(Garry) [drowsy] Im a girl?
(John)
Go, come on, talk to Garry.
Come on. What's the plan?
Talk to Garry like
he's a girl, go!
Okay, its not that fucking
simple!
(John) Yeah it is.
You're just scared.
(Angelo) [mumbling] Fuck you.
(John) The fuck?
(John) Fucking baby. Fuck you!
(Angelo) No fuck you!
Why don't you get
a new table-
-you fucking asshole?!
Why dont you get
a new Dad, bitch?!
(Garry) Woah...
Wait, man, I...
Find a new table.
(John)
Okay, let me just apologize-
(Connor) Go.
(John) But I-
(Connor) Come on, come on.
[All sound vanishes]
(Brother Phil)
What are you going-
-to do with him?
Im-I'm sorry, this is-
-this looks bad.
This looks really bad.
But, my grandpa, is not,
he's not doing well-
I just wanted to give him
final communion.
Please... don't make me
an accessory to sin.
I'm serious. No!
My grandpa, he's sick.
John, don't insult me!
Wh- what are you looking
at me like that for?
What do you want?
What are you going to do, huh-
-you're going to get me
kicked out or something?
I don't, I don't fucking care.
I don't want to be here
anyway. I hate it here.
God gives us free will, John.
If you embrace him,
it'll be with an open heart-
-and an open mind.
Anything less
wouldn't be a choice.
I trust you.
(Intense Score Bursts In)
(Score Builds Intensity)
(Score Drops Out Hard)
(Tense Score Returns)
Im sorry.
(Dissonant Score)
(Sin Powerpoint Voice)
Have I thrown up food-
-when I wasn't feeling ill?
Have I eaten too much
in one sitting?
(Sin Powerpoint Voice)
Do I have an eating disorder?
Hey, don't take this stuff
too seriously, all right?
It's fucking stupid.
Thanks, uhm, I- I just...
It's really hard to deal with
food without having-
-to think about sin,
or whatever.
Yeah, no, I get it.
And hey, even if you do
have an eating disorder-
-I still think you're
really cute, so.
What?
Im- Im saying youre
still cute with a dis-
-nevermind.
(Student)
Thank you, Father.
(Mr. Myers) Okay, Bridget.
Go see Father Albert.
Have I touched another
persons breasts-
-buttocks, vah-gina or penis
outside the sacrament-
-of holy matrimony?
(Score Slowly Builds)
Have I taken the Lords
name in vain?
Have I- severed-
severed- my-
-relationship with God
by denying His existence?
(Mr. Myers)
Alright, John. Youre up.
(Hellish Choir Sings)
Mr. Santucci?
(Teacher)
Hey, no running!
(Score slowly gives way
to heartbeat)
[Coughing]
Im sorry...
Im sorry, Mom...
I'm sorry.
Im sorry.
Im sorry... God...
Im sorry...
(Mrs. Groff) Four days
suspension, eight demerits.
John's next infraction-
-will lead to
immediate expulsion.
I was ready to let you
slum it in Farmingdale High-
-Mr. Santucci...
...you have a friend
on the other side.
(Mary) Brother Phil?
You know him?
He calls every week
to tell me how you are.
How does he think I'm doing?
(Mrs. Groff)
You have eight demerits.
I know you by name.
How do you think
you're doing?
(Mary) He has a lot of
compassion for you.
Brother Phil is
very Christlike.
Christlike...
When you make excuses
for bad behavior-
-youre forgiving.
When you keep order,
you're a square.
A troll under the bridge.
Is John's father the cool one?
Says yes to everything?
And you're the one-
-stuck with the
nasty conversations?
Eat this, not that.
Go to bed.
Do your homework.
No more video games?
I'm a single mom.
Two parents in one.
Not easy.
But you need to try harder.
(Mary) You're grounded.
Okay. Can it- could it
wait until next weekend-
-like there's a
Sweet 15 later-
(Mary) No negotiations.
Okay, well, what if I
saw you instead of Dad-
-for Easter and Thanksgiving?
I can throw in Christmas Eve-
(Mary) JOHN!
(Lilith) I guess with
the slut thing, it felt like-
-you were eating
their shit up.
Really? After I pour-
er, peed on Jesus and-
-fed him to mom?
(Lilith) Thats just stuff
you do for me.
(Lilith) Today was, like, you.
Okay, so why did
I have to-
-steal Jesus
and pee on him?
(Lilith) Just, come
to Bridgets tonight-
-I want us to go
to third base.
(John) Okay, so like...
...do you love me?
(Lilith) Are you dumb?
(Lilith) What do you think?
[Lilith hangs up]
[Cooking Show]
If there's anything funny-
-about this money-
I'm gonna hunt you
down. And Im gonna-
[BOOMING club music]
[party chatter]
Let's go.
Shouldnt I say hi to
Bridget first, I mean?
Who cares? Just-
[laughing] The fuck is this?!
Sorry, I didn't have time
to get a card card.
Just- tell her you
left your card at home-
Shouldn't we find a
more quiet place?
I'll do you.
And then you do me.
You've been so
bad for me, John.
Yeah, pretty uh, pretty bad.
Uhm, what's wrong?
Sorry.
Oh my God, my dress
looks like shit, doesn't it?
I'm like, breaking out,
and my hair is a mess-
No- you look-
you look beautiful, okay?
So then what is it?
Youre really mean sometimes.
I don't like the things
you make me do.
I don't make you do anything.
I'm, like, putting
myself out for you.
And you're completely
fucking rejecting me.
I don't want to reject you,
but the stuff I have to do-
-makes me want to throw
up, and-
-and can't you
just like me?
Like, why do I have to
steal and burn things?
Because that's the only
time you're-
-actually
doing anything.
Everything that you say is
just so fucking wishy washy.
I just want to be with you-
-and you keep sending me
on these demonic quests!
No, no, you don't!
You don't actually
want to be with me!
[Bathroom door opens]
[Loud boy chatter]
Someone just came in
can you please lower your-
Dont fucking shush
me, okay?!
Like- when I kiss you,
I want to kiss you.
When you kiss me-
You- you like the
fucking idea of kissing me.
Like what it means
about you-
-that you got a girl
to kiss you.
(Party Boy) [snickering]
(John) Thats such bull- shhh-
Dont fucking shush me,
it's not bullshit! It's like-
It's like one day I'm
this like-
-trophy that
you want to have-
-and the next Im this
urn that you broke, and like-
I just want to be here!
(Party Boy) Gaaaaaaay!
(Lilith) I just want to kiss!
And you know what?
The only thing that I have
any fucking control over is-
-what I can get your
dumb ass to do for me, so...
Why don't- why dont
you get on your knees-
-and bark like a dog for me!
[Party Boys Jeer Loudly]
No, I don't want to bark.
Stop yelling, please!
We're having a fight in here!
Sorry! Excuse us.
(Party Boy) Sorry, sorry...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay.
I know I'm not good at this.
I'm sorry that I think about
you and other guys.
But that doesn't mean-
-we have to base
everything on-
-you making me
do horrible stuff.
Well...
...what else is there?
You just- you sound really
afraid, and I am too-
But love can't come
from a place of fear.
Yeah, is that some shit
you read on a postcard?
Okay why do you
have to be so mean?!
I told you weeks ago
I loved you-
-and all you
said back was-
-youre silly, youre stupid,
youre this, youre that!
Well I cant just say
shit I dont mean!
I meant it when I said it.
You just said it
so I would say it.
I don't want any of this.
You don't want any of this?
Yeah.
Does that mean
what I think it does?
Yeah.
(Loud Dance Ballad)
Sit up.
You'll know a tree
by its fruit.
What?
You have lied.
You have stolen.
Your conscience is so guilty-
-you ran from confession.
Im not going to do it,
John, okay?
I'm not going to raise
a piece of shit.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Im sorry!
Okay?! I-
Im so sorry-
I dont want to be like Dad-
I'm sorry.
Okay baby,
just look at me-
-look at me, okay?
Look at me.
Come on.
I just want you to
be a good man.
Okay?
I've got this thing
inside me...
...that lives for you.
It's my Mom part.
And Ive got my Dad part.
And, my Lilith part.
And my Brother Phil part.
But...
I don't think
I have a me part.
I don't- I dont know
what that looks like.
But, I mean, sweetie-
-if everyone always lived
for their own-
-me part...
...does that sound like
a world-
-youd want to live in?
Everyone living
for themselves?
I don't know! I dont know!
Why?!
Why does everything-
-have to be a rule
all the time?!
When you are older-
-youre gonna figure
it out, okay?
And maybe you'll
agree with me then.
But for now, you have
to live by my rules.
I thought they were
Gods rules?
My rules are God's rules.
Okay, well, your rules
make me feel like shit.
I- sorry for cursing,
but they make me feel-
-like, they make me
feel really bad.
Well, thats...
...thats a good thing.
God gave you a conscience
for a reason.
Okay?
Sweetie...
...this is good.
Okay, I'm going to
make you a snack-
-and you're going to
feel better. Alright?
You know what I think?
On the first day of school-
-I saw a goose on
the bus ride home.
(Mary)
You want apples or peaches?
Apples.
And this thought
came into my head-
-that the goose was God.
Like-
there he is, Gods a goose!
And that goose didn't
even care about me.
It was just flapping around,
having fun.
It didn't care if I was
serving the Eucharist or-
-or kissing before
marriage, or-
-or touching a girl
down there-
(Mary) What?
-or up there, or anywhere-
(Mary) What- what?
-or setting a Bible on fire!
John?! Wh- what do you-
what are you saying?!
What's going on?!
(John) You know what?!
Lilith sucked my penis
tonight-
-and I didnt even like it!
(Mary) Wh- what? John!
(John) She sucked m- we went-
-to the bathroom and made
out for a little while!
(Mary) Stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it!
That is disgusting!
That is disgusting. Stop that!
What- what, what its
disgusting?!
Am I gonna go to
Hell for that?!
Am I gonna go to Hell
for something-
-I didnt even like?!
Yes, yes you will!
Now, you stop it! Stop!
Your rules fucking suck!
Dont curse. Dont curse!
(John) Your rules fucking-
(John) Fuck! Fuck!
(Mary) Stop! Stop cursing!
Go to confession.
(Mary) Im- I'm sorry.
(John) Go to confession!
(Mary) No! You-
(John) Go to confession.
(Mary) You are not
the son that raised!
(John) Good!
(Mary) I cant believe youd
put those images in my head-
(John) Good!
Go to confession now!
Go to confession!
Thats a sin!
You need to go to confession!
Oh my God!
I hate-
(Game Music)
(John) What is wrong with-
(Mary) Stay still, pig!
(John) Pig, stop moving!
(Mary) He just, he
just, like, flipped.
Every time I press
A, he moves!
Lets get out of this place,
this place is creepy.
(Mary) This place is strange.
It's not strange,
that guy is strange.
Yeah. Super strange, I think.
Okay, now I have to
go to the fighting arena-
-because I want to
get that sword.
(Mary) Mm-hmm.
But I also want to
break every glass.
Youre so funny.
You make me laugh.
(John) [reading] Learn to-
-carry guys on her
head, like me-
-so she could help your
grandmother with chores.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm okay.
(Angelo) Okay, okay.
Im- I'm about to come back.
I'm gonna-
(Student) Go get him
some fucking fries!
(Angelo) Alright, alright.
(Lilith) Hey.
(John) Hey.
Uhm, it's a little cheesy,
but I don't know-
-I really like it.
I like the title.
Yeah.
(Keyboard Keys Clicking)
(John) Hey Dad.
(Pete) Hey, bud.
How's it going?
Good.
Hey, could you
take me to Mom's?
Oh. Are you sure
that's a good idea?
Yeah.
Should I, get out of
the Deadmines first?
I'd really prefer
if we went now.
(Keyboard Keys Clicking)
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee...
Hi.
Did you need something?
I was wondering if
you wanted to go for a walk.
The lake by the bike trail-
-looks really nice
at this time of day.
(Sweet Lullaby Score)
(Score Fades)
Did you know that
geese mate for life?
No, no, that's-
thats really nice.
I was praying for you
when you came in.
Are you doing okay?
Yeah, Im good- Im good.
(Voice Breaking) Mom.
I know Im not exactly-
-the person you were
expecting me to be.
But I...
You are a gift.