Leo (2023) Movie Script

[male 1] Hey. You know
the 5th grade starts tomorrow again.
[male 2] What?! Does that mean
we have to get up at 8:00?
[male 1] Oh, calm down.
- You slept 95% of the summer.
- [male 2] Yeah.
[high-spirited song plays]
Last year of elementary school
Last year of bein' a kid
Being on top
I'm gonna go out swingin'
Toy soldiers
Dippin' Dots, fun-size bars
Slip 'N slides
Fart noises, chicken stars
Until they tell me to stop
Last year of elementary school
Biggest kid on campus
I got it made
Sit down, son!
I own all you dorks
I'm so stoked
I was held back in third grade
Okay, okay
So we will not invite Cara
Oh my God, I hate her
Sabrina's kind of cool
We do not do 4th graders
- So we make a list of friends?
- Yes, with no weirdos on it
- What about Summer?
- Yeah, she's nice.
Uh, vomit.
- Summer, where's Mommy?
- I'll put you to bed tonight, Kayla.
We're getting older.
Mom'll be gone someday.
It's 5th grade. Time to be a grown-up.
- Where did she...
- I won't drink coffee or like boys.
- I'll fill my own water bottle, get bangs.
- Is she still gonna...
Everyone got bangs,
but my forehead's getting bigger.
I don't wanna look like a parade float
or an alien and be the talk...
Five more minutes
Cole, this year
You have to get up on your own
Five more minutes
- Okay, five more minutes
- [smart speaker] Way to be strong, Dad.
They say my nut allergies
Are lessening
[drone humming]
Once the immune boosters kick in
I can try the kung pao chicken
Welcome, 5th graders
Go right through this door
'Cause this year, your homerooms
Are on the second floor
- The big time!
- [kindergartners chattering]
Please don't step on
The kindergartners
- [singing ends]
- [kids chattering]
[kindergartner babbling, thuds]
[continues babbling]
[girl 1] Going to Westlake next year?
[girl 2] My cousin said
there's a kid who smokes there.
- [male 2] You see anything?
- [male 1] No. A lot of yappin'. Come on.
- [male 2] Ah, there we go.
- All right.
Another year, another batch
of 5th grade head cases.
Kabir, Anthony, welcome.
You from New York, new guy? Patriots suck!
That's New England.
- I think your shirt's on backwards.
- Come on!
- Look at this. Bunch of motormouths.
- Yep. Same old, same old.
I saw Cara in a sweater from Gymboree.
- There's the snotty clique.
- Tween Queens.
- The Facade Squad.
- Peaking at 11.
- The "sick and should've stayed home" kid.
- Always one.
[turtle] There's the class clown
who secretly despises himself.
That's hysterical, Cole!
- Thanks, Cole!
- Jeez, how many Coles this year?
Reminds me
of the Justin avalanche of 1991.
God forbid we ever see a Richie again.
Bro, no way, are you taller than me now?
The inevitable Cheez Doodle kid.
[turtle] No,
those look like Dorito fingers.
- We just moved from the Bronx.
- You're new? Wow.
That's hard. Never had to leave friends,
except when we went to Myrtle Beach.
On the flight home,
the old lady next to me had arthritis.
I opened her mustard packet.
- [both] First child.
- No filter.
Never heard the word "enough."
Okay, guys. Are you excited?
Most of you have been going
to this school for five years.
Some of you, seven.
And now you're the big kids.
I hope everyone's met our class pets,
Leonardo and Squirtle.
I'm not touching those things.
Don't they eat, sleep and poo
in the same place?
Hey! I poo where he sleeps.
Now what if I told you
there's a big reward at the end
of this year if you do well in class?
- [kids gasp]
- The Academicathalon thing?
Look at her work these kids.
Salinas, what a pro.
Best since Ms. Bielecky in the '60s.
And what if I told you
this year's winning class
gets a field trip to somewhere special
for a whole day?
- [kids cheer softly]
- [kid 1] Yeah!
[kid 2] Wow!
- Salinas havin' a baby?
- The belly's poppin' a little.
Oh, Zane, I'm afraid
you can't bring snacks into the class.
I'll hold those, just for now.
Cheetos. Wow, didn't see that coming.
[munching] At the end of the year,
our three 5th grade classes
compete in art,
debating, science, and history.
And if our class wins,
we get a trip to Magic Land Park!
[kids gasp]
Don't they have the Dragon Coaster?
I heard it caught fire once!
- Yeah, it was banned in Europe.
- Yes, but not in Florida.
- [kids chatter and giggle]
- Yep, havin' a baby.
Okay. Let's see
how much you guys already know.
Who knows what you call it when a plant
converts light to food?
- The conversion's photosynthesis
- [both] Photosynthesis.
- [Mia] turning H2O and CO2 into glucose.
- [both] Into glucose.
- Ah.
- [Mrs. Salinas] Excellent job, Mia.
Oh. So [clears throat]
Oh, boy. Divorced parents.
Okay, honey. Thank you.
- You're okay. So sweet.
- [stick squeaking]
Let's look at some of the books
we're gonna read in class this year.
Who's heard of Charlotte's Web?
Oh no. The kids always cry at the end.
Like kids don't cry enough?
We gotta trigger the garden hoses?
- Crying's for weaklings.
- Right.
We'll meet Fern and her pig, Wilbur.
It's a stupid book anyway.
- Right. Animals never talk to people.
- Plus, no one gets to eat Charlotte.
You just have to hear
about this delicious spider for days
and get hungry thinkin' about it.
- like you'll learn this year.
- [boys laughing]
Sorry, Cole?
Is there something you wanna share?
- [kids gasp, chatter]
- [kid 1] That's so gross!
- [kid 2] I can't believe you did that!
- [retching, vomiting]
Sorry, guys.
[sniffs] Man, that smells good.
Send some of that our way next time.
Gettin' sick of the lettuce.
[upbeat music playing]
Hi, Mrs. Salinas!
[indistinct chattering]
- Hi, I'm Cole Wiseki's mom.
- Oh, hi.
Can I... Real quick? For Facebook?
- Thanks.
- [shutter clicks]
- Cole is a very...
- That's gonna look great. Thank you.
Since when do people
wanna look like ducks?
[man] Isn't that something,
how they've grown?
And in 5th grade, you'll find your kids
wanting to make their own choices.
Embrace it.
Let them make their own mistakes.
How long does this go?
[man] Not terribly long, Dr. Wenger.
Now, some of you may have heard
about Mrs. Salinas', uh,
incident in class.
I want to confirm it has nothing to do
with anything she ate in the cafeteria.
She's just gonna be taking some time off.
A leave, let's say.
Wait. For how long?
Here comes the bomb.
For, uh Till she has the baby, let's say.
- [all gasp] What?!
- [Anthony's mom] Having a baby?
Are you sure?
Did she get a second opinion?
Are you kidding me?
This is what happened in 3rd grade!
The substitute was awful!
I'm texting my daughter right now!
She'll be devastated!
[phone beeps, chimes]
[girl 1 reads silently]
[girl 2 reads silently]
- [Mia reads silently]
- [girl 3 reads silently]
[boy reads silently]
[Anthony reads silently]
[drone reads silently]
[Cole H. reads silently]
[Cole W. reads silently]
[Kabir reads silently]
[Summer reads silently]
[Summer continues]
[drone reads silently]
- [indistinct chattering]
- You can't just say that!
Look at these lazy class pets.
Do they even move?
- I'd like that job.
- That lizard looks pretty old.
Do I look old?
Thank you.
It's a Tuatara. They live a long time.
Till about 75.
Hmm. Never knew that.
Suck on that, hamsters.
Wow. Looks like
he's gettin' close to that.
[mom 1] Bye. Nice seeing you.
- Ah, he's nuts.
- [door shuts]
I mean, you're old, cranky, lazy,
but no way does that make you 75.
[Squirtle's voice echoing] Seventy-five.
Seventy-five. Seventy-five.
[pencil tapping and scraping]
[keyboard clacking]
[page turning]
[Neil Armstrong, on TV]
Underneath it says,
"Here men from the planet Earth
first set foot upon the Moon."
- [grunts]
- [Neil Armstrong] We came in peace...
- What about it?
- I was born around then.
How many years has it been since 1949?
No idea. That's addition.
They learn that in 2nd grade.
We're all about fractions.
Great. Why can't they move us
around a little, so we can know more?
[kindergartner babbles]
[thuds, babbles again]
[thuds, continues babbling]
Okay, four sixteenths equals
how many fourths?
[kids chattering and laughing]
- She's leaving. They don't hear a word.
- 1966, 1967
- What're you doin'?
- Trying to count how many years old I am.
1968, 1969, 1970
I'm out of toes and fingers.
What else can I count with?
- I'd tell you, but there's kids around.
- [humorous music plays]
I was talkin' about his tail.
Addition I
I gotta talk to some 2nd grade pets.
Forget it.
We only see those pets at fire drills.
They don't happen until November.
- [alarm buzzing]
- [spits] What the...
- [all] Huh? What?
- Is this a fire drill?
It's probably nothing, but let's go.
Anthony, why don't you grab the pets?
[Anthony screaming]
- Everyone evacuate! Stop, drop and roll!
- [reptiles grunting]
[screaming] I think I'm on fire!
- [screaming]
- [kindergartners giggling]
Jeez, we just redecorated!
Someday, cops are gonna
carry that kid off a plane. Huh?
I'll park ya right over here, fellas.
All right, here we go.
Hey, guys, how was your summer?
Do anything fun?
- Sleep.
- Sleep.
- Eat.
- Lot of poopin'.
Terrific. Say, who's 2nd grade again?
- That's me. How ya doin', Lizzy?
- Great.
I'm actually Leonardo. Lizzy's the iguana
in Mr. Marculia's homeroom. You're
I'm Cinnabun. I know. So corny.
Just got renamed again.
Oh. Well, beats "Thumper."
I guess. What's bad are the Hare ones.
Hare Brain, Hare Piece, Hare-y Potter
Right, right. Hey, the 2nd graders,
you guys do addition, right?
- Hare Lip, Hare Club For Men.
- [cage clangs]
Yes, and subtraction. We do both.
Great, okay, look. If I got here in 1949,
and it's 2023, what does that make me?
Oh. Uh, I know this one. A reptile.
- Shmuck.
- [school bell rings]
- [kindergartners chattering]
- Okay, it was a false alarm.
The school is not on fire.
[5th-graders groan]
[kindergartners chattering chaotically]
No, how old would I be?
No. Right, subtraction.
Okay, um, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, 74.
- Seventy-four. Isn't that right before...
- [Mrs. Salinas] Upsy-daisies.
[Leonardo] Wait, wait! Hold on!
That's the number before 75, isn't it?
- What's the matter? You look upset.
- [kindergartners chattering chaotically]
[extinguisher hisses]
- [shouts] Cinnabun!
- [dramatic music plays, ends]
- [kids chattering]
- Settle down.
[mockingly] I'm a lizard. Ooh.
That's good. Don't dignify it.
Doesn't matter. I'm doomed.
I'm 74 seventy-fifths dead.
What? That's not for class pets.
When you're in captivity,
75 is the new 70.
And, hey, you wanna live so bad,
a little exercise wouldn't kill ya.
- Like what?
- Blinking's good. That'd be a start.
- I blink.
- [scoffs] Barely.
- [sighs in exhaustion]
- Okay. You didn't have to dive right in.
Who am I kiddin'?
I can't start this rigorous workin' out
at this point in my life.
It's too late. I blew it.
I wasted my life!
And now, it's almost over.
When a man has to face
That he's about to die
He thinks of all the things
He'd never done
I never ate a snail
Never got to hunt a fly
Just had them fed to me by everyone
Never ate algae straight from the sea
Never got nothin' but lettuce
Always lands in Squirtle's pee
- I never stole a bird's eggs
- [violin plays]
Never chased a squirrel
Never got to show my slick moves
To a girl
[breathing heavily]
[door creaks open]
[pouch toots]
[door creaking]
[pouch toots]
[door continues creaking]
- [stops]
- [heels clacking]
[objects clatter]
- [vase breaks]
- [heels clacking]
[blows] Go about your business.
Everyone, meet your new teacher.
[gasps] This is our substitute?
You have to leave? So soon?
Well, my doctor thinks I need
to rest through my pregnancy.
So until I'm back, you'll have Ms. Malkin.
- It's not brain surgery, gang.
- [compass clicks]
Guys, you don't have to be afraid
of change.
Change is a beautiful part of life.
There's a time for trees
To lose their leaves
And a time those leaves return
- Oh, I don't sing.
- Oh, okay.
How about we continue with the class.
I'm gonna teach with Ms. Malkin today...
- Please don't leave us, Mrs. Salinas!
- Oh.
Agh! Down! Now! Down!
- [spray hissing]
- No hug! Sit!
In class, we sit up straight,
pay attention, and we are what? You!
What? Oh, my God. Um, we're quiet?
That's very good listening, Logan.
That's a heart for you.
[joyous music plays]
The hearts are for when the kids listen.
To motivate good...
[vacuum clicking, suctioning]
Listening is not a favor.
When you listen, you get knowledge,
not a carnival prize.
- We have a chance to go to Magic...
- [suctioning]
Ew. What was that?
Peanut butter and ham. My dad overslept.
- [retches, vomits]
- [suctions, stops]
Okay, well, we're out of time,
so let's wish Mrs. Salinas well. Bye-bye.
- But, I... The class is...
- No, no. I know. Out we go.
- Better luck with your own kid.
- Okay, guys, see you in...
- [tense music plays]
- [suctions]
Moving on. It's Friday. That means
one student has to take home a class pet.
- What's this now?
- Uh, we don't do that here.
Not anymore. No way.
In my classroom,
you will learn responsibility.
You will feed it properly
and return it in healthy condition.
Do we have a volunteer?
- Come on. Somebody raise your hand.
- What?
Remember what happens at the kids' houses?
They forget to feed you or abuse you.
[chaotic music playing]
- [banging]
- [yelps]
- [slices]
- It'll grow back.
- [screams]
- [screams, grunts]
[kids laughing]
- [tattoo needle hums]
- [Squirtle screams]
- Yeesh.
- Hey, it looked cool in the '90s.
I'm waiting. Volunteer, please.
Don't you get it? This is my shot.
So I go with one of these kids,
case the house for open windows,
then when I'm alone, zip! I escape.
- Ha. You couldn't zip when you were 20.
- I'm zipping. And then I really live.
Maybe climb a tree. Swim in a sewer.
See the Everglades.
The Everglades?
With those untamed animals? Are you nuts?
You know they don't even have names,
right? It's anarchy.
You think a rock potato like you
can survive there?
- Your last days will be in a beer can.
- [Ms. Malkin] Let's go.
Who's gonna take on some responsibility?
- Or do I have to pick?
- Well, if no one else will
I don't want them to feel not wanted.
Everybody wants to fit in
and shouldn't be judged
on looks, species, foreheads.
I have to go indoor skydiving tomorrow,
but my father'll be home,
so if it's okay to...
- Pick one!
- Okay, the lizard!
[exhales loudly, sighs]
[school bell rings]
[gentle violin music playing]
Listen, when you're out there in the wild
and those animals come after you,
remember to change your colors
and blend in!
- That's chameleons. I'm not a chameleon.
- Oh, well, then you're a dead man.
[amusing music playing]
[Summer] Tomorrow's indoor skydiving.
We have to get ready.
It's exactly like skydiving,
except you can't get hurt.
Okay, we have a busy weekend.
Do I have to wear a dress to Grandma's?
It'll be pants weather on Sunday.
Jayda said the word "puke".
She said it wasnt a curse word. Is it?
I feel bad leaving him.
Nobody wants him near the dinner table.
He's good with his water. Back soon!
Kayla, don't look scared of him.
That's being mean.
[dog panting]
- [heavenly music plays]
- [gasps in awe]
It's on.
[inhales sharply]
[stretching groans]
- [joints crack]
- [groaning continues]
[joints cracking]
[shouts, thuds]
[jazzy adventurous music playing]
He's nice, the new kid Kabir,
but he doesn't talk a lot,
at least not with me.
Maybe he's shy since
[jazzy adventurous music continues]
Then I burned my tongue.
It didn't, like, burn off completely,
or I couldn't tell you
how I ate my mozzarella sticks.
[jazzy adventurous music continues]
- [music crescendos, ends]
- [sighs]
- [grunts]
- [door opens]
Hey, Leonardo. You missed a great movie.
Tomorrow I'll take you down for breakfast.
I hope they have everything bagels left.
I don't know why we get sesame bagels.
Mom asked me to try one, I was like,
"Why would you take off the poppy seeds
and the salt"
Wait, where are you?
This is a nightmare!
I'll be the kid who killed the lizard,
no matter what I do in my life.
Whether I do drama, be a doctor...
I'll never be a doctor now.
I could work at the DMV.
Hopefully, the one next to Quiznos.
- I don't wanna go far from my parents.
- [whimpers, grunts]
Mother of Godzilla!
What was that?
Well? Who said that?
The wall? Walls don't talk.
Why would a wall say anything?
Why point to it?
They say, "If these walls could talk,"
because they can't talk...
- The trophy!
- [screams]
You said something! You just spoke! Mom!
- No!
- You talked!
You're talking!
I'm telling Mom,
or people will think I'm crazy.
I'll have to go to that school
in Tampa for kids with issues! I...
[shouting] But please, people can't know!
- Why are your hands wet?
- They're naturally moist.
Please, I'm begging you to keep quiet.
If people know I talk,
they'll send me
to a scientist or something.
- But I have to tell someone.
- Please.
[softly] You're the only one
who can hear me.
Oh. Then why are you whispering?
[softly] Because you were,
and it sounded fun.
[mimics whispering sounds]
Do all lizards talk?
I don't know. I never met them all,
but we never talk to humans.
- Why are you talking to me?
- Well, I didn't [spluttering]
Because I want to. I think you're nice.
Really? Thanks.
I don't know if people think I'm nice.
It's so hard to read people at school.
People say you're nice to be nice,
and if they say you're nice,
you'll think they're cool...
I get it.
You say "I get it" a lot.
That's 'cause I understand things.
That's all. "I get it." I've been around.
- Okay. I thought it was something else.
- Like what?
- That you want me to stop talking.
- Oh. Wow.
Really? Like, "Wow, that's crazy"?
No, more like, "Wow,
I didn't think you were that self-aware."
[exhales] I can tell. People are too nice
to say I talk too much,
but I can tell from their faces
that I'm talking too much.
Like, old people make this face.
And babies kind of look sleepy.
And the bus driver's face is like,
"Stop." But I can't stop and I
Sorry, I'm listening. Please, go ahead.
I always just come out
And say whatever's on my mind
People look okay with it
But maybe they're resigned
I can't help saying more
They smile like they're enjoying
You've no idea
How stressful it is to not know
When my talking gets annoying
I've seen a lot of kids who talk a lot.
They seem...
I just continue talking
And it feels like things are fine
Then I relax until I see that look
I take it as a sign
They're mad I'm still talking
Or I'm loud or a bore
So I worry that I've lost them
I'm scared, so I start talking even more
Right. This is normal. A bunch of kids...
I feel like I lack the ability to tell
When I'm not giving someone
A chance to speak
And because of that, I get scared
Then believe that I am
Not giving anyone else a chance to speak
[shouts] I said, "I get it!"
I know I said "I get it" again. I'm sorry.
It's just that last one
wasn't even a rhyme, it was a repeat.
So, like
You're comfortable in sharing
'Cause your parents let you prattle
They don't really like...
But you shouldn't feel self-conscious
Like you're in a losing battle
- Okay, but then how am I gonna...
- Maybe try to ask a question
Ask a question?
It's exhausting
Like a blink
But the kids who are most popular
Are the kids who want to know
What other kids think
Wow. It's not like I don't care
about the other kids...
I know. It's great you're good
at talking about yourself.
When people share stuff, they feel better.
So if you get other kids talking
about themselves,
they'll like being with you.
More than they do already, I mean.
Five-second rule. [gulps]
Well, that was really nice. Thank you.
Oh, yeah. Glad to do it.
Hey, remember,
you can't tell anyone, ever.
Or we won't be able to talk again.
Okay. So I'm your special, secret friend?
That was a question.
Uh, yeah. Sure. And good question.
- Thanks, Leonardo.
- Call me Leo. Less Ninja Turtley.
Summer. You need to get to bed, sweetie.
Mom, what's the square root of 91?
What? Please just get to bed.
I don't mean just any question.
Okay. Right. Got it.
[desk scraping and screeching]
- [Ms. Malkin] Find your new seats.
- [spray hissing]
- [mellow music plays]
- [Squirtle scratching]
[sarcastically] Oh, back already?
You saw the whole world in one weekend?
Wow. Hey, how were the Everglades?
How high was the Eiffel Tower?
- What was the Pope like? [scratches]
- Could you not do that on my pillow?
Put those computers away. We will not
be studying our curriculum on toys.
[tense music playing]
- [falling whistle]
- [crashes]
- [falling whistle]
- [crashes]
- [falling whistle]
- [crashes]
[both panting]
Russian judge.
- [indistinct chattering]
- [teacher] Slow down. No running.
- [air horn blares]
- No eating the books!
Oh, Coach Kimura. [chuckles]
Oh, I apologize. Let me
Let me clean that for you.
[vacuum humming]
There we go. [chuckles]
This is so unfair. Ugh!
She'll work us till we have no energy.
Then we'll only get into schools
with drug problems.
Forget about winning the trip.
This is a nightmare.
It's worse than when I lost my phone.
Worse than when my dad wore bike shorts.
Worse than when I got lost on a plane,
which is hard to do, but really scary.
Like a horror movie,
though my parents won't let me watch them,
unless you count the furnace
in Toy Story 3, but that...
Oh. What should we do about it, Jayda?
I'm totally telling my parents about it.
My dad has a lot of pull,
because he gives the teachers
free zit cream,
but you should tell yours too.
Why are you talking to Summer?
- I like her now.
- Uh, I know. I do too.
[curious music playing]
- What was that all about?
- She likes me. She thought I was fun.
[scoffs] You fun? What'd you do,
turn your head more than once?
Oh, what a showman.
Get all your mean jokes in now,
'cause the next kid
who takes me home is the last kid.
Sure they are, Mr. Chicken-to-leave.
Whatever you say, Mr. Wants-to-get-bitten.
Oh, I'm shaking,
Mr. Almost-as-brave-as-Scooby Doo.
- Duck, duck, duck, goose!
- [kindergartners chattering chaotically]
Ow! Okay. Okay.
All right! That's not the game. Kids!
the Stamp Act. Eyes up here!
For those of you who did the reading
- Salinas never taught this stuff.
- Yeah. What's a stamp?
[Ms. Malkin]
the first tax levied directly
on American colonists
by the British Parliament.
- [kids laughing]
- Skyler, what did I just say?
[kids laughing]
Answer! How did the colonists react?
[kids laughing louder]
[shurikens slice, then clink]
[deliberately] You do not want demerits.
- What's a demerit?
- I think he played for the Clippers.
You're going to leave 5th grade
with discipline,
or you are never going to leave 5th grade.
Eh. [munches]
Who has the discipline
to take a class pet home this weekend?
I'll do it. I'll take Leo again.
Again? Who would want it twice?
- [smart board beeping]
- [kids laughing]
[drone whirring]
Not one of you is man enough
for middle school, are you?
- [whirring]
- Ugh. Not now. I'll take the lizard.
Oh, you'll have so much fun with Leo, Eli.
You think, maybe, I can visit?
Really? That'd be great.
Zane's coming, but we can all hang...
- [whirring]
- [thermometer beeps]
[mellow music playing]
You kids having a fun play date?
[drone beeps]
[buzzes, beeps]
[plays electronic fanfare]
Sorry about those chips, Zaney.
Can't be too careful.
Have a kale cupcake.
Do I have to wear the safety suit
all weekend?
Lizards carry disease, honey.
Kids and dogs are especially vulnerable.
[footsteps approaching]
- [drone whirring]
- [spray hissing]
[squeegee squeaking]
Um, I think my mom wants to pick me up.
[robot vacuum tapping]
- [Zane's mom yells] Thank you, Julie!
- They had the best time.
Could you go cut his chicken
into non-chokeable pieces?
[birds chirping]
[mysterious music playing]
- [jazzy adventurous music playing]
- [suctioning]
- [toy squeaks]
- [sighs in relief]
- [suctioning]
- Hey.
[jazzy adventurous music keeps playing]
[grunting shakily]
- [growling]
- [dramatic music plays]
- [music crescendos, ends]
- Ow! [thuds]
[toys clattering]
[heavenly music plays]
- [humorous jazz music playing]
- [grunts]
[gags, shrieks]
- [panting] Ha-ha.
- [robot vacuum crashes]
[sputters, hums]
What? It'll grow back.
You're dressed like a 1950s astronaut
and I'm the weird one?
Oh, now you're threatening me,
Doodlepoo? Do that...
- [tense music plays]
- What?
- What...
- [Julie] Dinnertime, Eli!
Eli, now! You need three hours
to digest your food before bed.
[Eli sighs]
This is totally crazy. You talk?
Just to you.
- 'Cause, uh
- I'm special?
Uh, yeah, that's right.
Oh. Okay.
But you can't tell anyone.
They'll try to kill me like E.T.
But my parents told me when someone says,
"Don't tell anyone,"
that's when I have to tell.
Well, your parents are right,
but that's with strange humans.
I'm just a strange lizard. Okay?
- Please don't tell. Especially him.
- [Eli] The drone?
No way. You saw what it did
to the Cheetos out there.
I mean, it's nice that it's loyal.
Come on. When I was six,
kids thought it was cool.
- Maybe you should say something about it.
- I don't want to hurt its feelings.
I know a way.
I've seen kids break up over the years.
You write down why you're dumping them,
and it gives the other person time
to soak it in and not snap.
It's a "Dear Drone" letter.
Get a pen and paper.
[sentimental music playing]
[dictating the letter]
[singing the letter]
[Eli singing]
When you hover over me all day
I feel safe, but also feel
My social life melting away
I'm not saying
That your caring is a crime
I'd just like to wipe my own butt
From time to time
And I think that you could
Make new friends
Like the 3-D printer in graphic arts
Or the Theragun massager
Or the yellow Cuisinart
I'm not saying
I don't like you, Mr. Drone
I just want to have the smallest hope
Just visible in a microscope
Of somehow
Not dying alone
[singing the letter]
[alarm clock beeping]
- [dropper clinking]
- [munching]
He's just doing it for show. See?
He knows he's recyclable.
Let's just give him some space.
Nobody's ever gonna like me like he does.
Kid, they don't even know you.
Now you can finally show your stuff.
Uh, I don't have any stuff.
Ah, you just gotta find your gimmick.
There was a boy in 1998, Mike Djokovic.
He memorized all the words
to "Walkin' on the Sun."
Smash Mouth? No?
Look, it's got a lot of words.
The point is,
plenty of kids have a gimmick.
It's okay. I got a few.
- Uh, get me a caterpillar.
- For real?
Trust me.
[trash can lid clangs]
[merry music playing]
Oh, that's perfect.
Okay, here we go.
- [slurps]
- [laughs] So gross!
- [belches]
- [Eli] What the...
[Leo] Here, let me show you something.
Eli, where's your safety suit?
Try doing this.
- [giggling]
- Very good. [laughs]
[golfer 1] Fore!
- [Leo grunts]
- [gasps]
- [golfer 2] You nailed that thing.
- [golfer 1] What was it? A possum?
[golfer 2] I don't know,
but you hit it in the jellybeans.
[golfer 1] Wanna quit and go home?
Can't top that.
[golfers laughing]
[kindergartners chattering chaotically]
[kindergartner 1 screams]
- [suctioning]
- [kindergartner 1 yells]
[kindergartner 2 screams, chomps]
[whispers] Not everyone's invited.
[amusing music playing]
Yes, I'm back.
Where's your tail?
You escaping one limb at a time?
Just give me some space.
I got hit in the jellybeans.
I forgot that was there.
Salinas was teacher of the year!
That substitute lady's unacceptable.
Do the skin cream samples I give out
mean nothing to you people?
How do I get that horrible woman replaced?
Dr. Wenger, please.
She's sitting right here.
- So?
- Jay, it's not polite.
May I speak about you
as if you're not here?
Listen, my kid was on track
to get into Westlake next year,
Langley Prep in three years,
Dartmouth in seven years,
then a moderately happy marriage
in 14 years.
I paid for that smart board
and this light switch.
If I'm letting you keep this animal
as her teacher,
you're gonna do something
for me to fix this.
Four seconds. Three, two, one.
Pencils down.
Except Jayda,
who will now be getting two more minutes
due to her permanent jet lag.
- [kids clamoring]
- [Ms. Malkin] Quiet. No discussion.
Now, one of you
has to take home a class pet.
Volunteer or be assigned.
I'll take Leo again.
- What is the deal? Leo? Again?
- You can't take a pet twice, right?
Because I would...
I mean, why do you want him again?
Um, 'cause he was awesome.
- Why do you want him?
- Uh, same reason. Awesome.
Wait. If it's awesome, I want it.
It's supposed to say, "Dr. Skin,"
not "Dr. Skid."
S-K-I-N. No D's.
- [cat screeching]
- Jayda, I dyed the cat green.
So unoriginal.
Isn't that great, what I got for you?
- Drake's coming to my party?
- Eh, I'm still on it.
I meant the pop quiz,
the two more minutes.
- Who takes care of you?
- What did Daddy do?
Well, Benji, Jayda's substitute teacher
is a horror show
Making the kids read big books.
So Daddy got Jayda something
no other kid gets.
What, Daddy?
Extra time
The other kids are sweatin'
All the answers they're forgettin'
All except for mine
'Cause my kid's got extra time
Should we put the lizard in my room?
The birthday party's coming up...
- [Mrs. Wenger] Not now. Daddy's bragging.
- [both] Lovin' that extra time
Ugh. It's like the worst day of my life.
Nobody's focusing on my party.
It's going to totally suck,
and the other kids will be happy about it.
What? Why would they be happy?
Because they're all jealous.
Wait. What? Who said that?
That was me.
- Oh my God! You talk?
- No, it's not safe.
- You're the only one who can hear me.
- So awesome! We have a talking lizard!
- I can only talk to you!
- Oh my God! Daddy!
[trumpet blasts]
When you roll with Dr. Skin
You're a true VIP
'Cause rules do not apply to me
- Gimme that extra time
- You only talk to me 'cause I'm special?
Uh, sure.
That makes sense.
But can you do tricks at the party?
Can you rap
and play the piano with your tongue?
Nah, this is just between us.
I'm talking to you to give advice.
- I don't need advice. I'm awesome.
- Nah, you're miserable.
Wait, what?
Just like Emma Lawrence in '03,
Nina Myers in '55,
all pretty, all rich, all bright.
- So?
- Not done.
All snotty, all secretly hated.
- People were jealous.
- Not of the snottiness.
[Jayda] Look, people don't realize
the pressure someone like me is under.
My family is so amazing,
so I have a lot more to live up to.
I have to get into the best middle school
and have the best party
and, yeah, only the best people around me.
No, you don't.
Ugh, you don't get
what being awesome's like.
But you're not.
I'm what?
Brace yourself.
Not that great
I know you guys are proud
But your house is kinda loud
And your dad's a middleweight
Your family's not that great
A middleweight?
- He's the face on these flyers
- You live in Fort Myers
- Our countertops are quartz
- He gets paid to burn off warts
Mom's like Britney Spears
If you've had six or seven beers
I don't mean to denigrate
We're not that
You're great, but no one's that great.
We're all just people and lizards.
If you can take a step back
See yourself for what you are
You'll find that
You're an even brighter star
So then, I'm not that great
There you go.
But I can feel that weight
Coming off like heavy gear
After 11 stressful years
To my fellow average peers
I can finally relate
[both] It's not bad at all to be
Not that great
- [music crescendos, ends]
- [Mrs. Wenger] Bravo.
- Thank you. Great job, guys.
- [stopwatch 1] Thanks.
- Honey, maybe you wanna tip them?
- What? The watches?
- Guys, you want some water? Anybody?
- No, that's okay.
- Okay. Well, thank you.
- [stopwatch 2] Yep. Thanks, Mr. Skin.
- It's "doctor." "Dr. Skin."
- [stopwatch 3] Uh-huh.
Mom, Dad, do we have any more invitations?
More? I thought we excluded
everyone you wanted.
Yeah, but we made a bigger list.
[propeller whirring]
- [upbeat music plays in the background]
- [indistinct chattering]
- Hi, guys. I'm so glad you came.
- Thanks for inviting us.
Of course. How are you?
Uh, wait. I know this one. We're fine.
[peacock calls]
- [laughs] That thing sounded like Cole.
- [kids laugh]
- [Cole H. laughs sarcastically]
- Wow. Zane is funny now?
Zane was always funny.
Like in 2nd grade,
when he told Mrs. Lemos
that Superman came from planet Crouton?
[kids laughing]
- Hey. You kids try the bubble guy yet?
- Dad, we'll get to the bubbles.
This guy's next level.
He makes bubble animals.
Here you go. Next.
You're not holding it right!
Jayda burgers. Jayda taters.
[drone] Jayda vegetables.
[sighs] Please don't do this.
- [tray clatters]
- [drone humming loudly]
[boy giggling]
- [monkeys screeching]
- [pony grunting]
- [chittering]
- What're you looking at, boss?
Got a problem with compact legs?
You think you got it so great out there?
What do you do in the box?
Uh, I molt.
Occasional blinking.
All right. I'm sorry, brother.
We're fighting the same fight.
I mean, the only fun I've ever had
was biting some of that guy's fingers off.
I've asked you five times
to jump through this hoop.
I'm just, uh I'm getting old, you know?
Ever feel like time's running out,
and this is all we're ever gonna know?
- [monkeys screeching]
- [pony grunting]
[monkeys chittering]
Were you just talking to that horse?
Is he having a good time?
I gotta tell you,
the truth is,
no animal wants to be locked inside...
Hey, Jayda. Hey, Leo.
I can't believe how much cool
Uh, I mean, hey, just Jayda,
are you having a good time?
Thanks for asking me.
My parents never ask.
They just assume I'm having a good time,
'cause they still don't realize
they aren't that great.
- What would make you have a better time?
- Good question.
[pony neighing]
["Instruction" feat. Demi Lovato
& Stefflon Don playing]
If you're The Supreme
Then I'm Diana Ross
Drop it down low and take it back high
No, I don't need introduction
Follow my simple instruction
Wind to the left, sway to the right
- Okay. Standard magnetic lock.
- Circuits are cross-current.
- Jumper cables. Balloon.
- Right here.
["Instruction" continues playing]
- Yo
- [electricity zapping]
[gates creak open]
- [chaotic screaming]
- Wind to the left, sway to the right
- [Cole H. yells] This is so fun!
- [glass shatters]
[Dr. Wenger] I specifically said
"no mayhem!"
- Sway to the right
- [chaotic screaming]
- [monkeys chattering]
- No, I don't need introduction
[music stops]
- [record scratch]
- ["True Feeling" by Galantis plays]
- [spits]
- True feeling
- [heron squawking]
- [flamingos warbling]
- Thanks, PJ.
- Uh, TJ.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's cool. Jacked about the eye contact.
- [Leo screams]
- [bush clatters]
- [all in commotion]
- True feeling
- [herons squawking]
- [whimpers]
[glass shattering]
[tires screech]
Stop that stopwatch. He's got my wallet.
[Leo babbling]
And I still remember that night
In September
You made it happen, boss.
Greatest day ever.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- [Jayda] Leo! Where's Leo?
- [Summer] Did someone take him?
- Please, somebody find him. Leo!
[school kids calling] Leo! Leo! Leo!
- [pops]
- You're not holding it right!
- [kids calling] Leo! Leo!
- [kid 1] Where is he?
- Leo!
- [kids celebrate]
You guys are really into that lizard.
He's just awesome.
[monkey chattering]
- [kids] Cheese!
- [shutter clicks]
[merry music playing]
- I had so much fun at the party.
- Did you get a bubble animal?
[Eli] Camel went on the waterslide.
- Again? Whatever happened to zipping?
- Oh, you'll know when I zip.
I'll be in the Everglades
dining on maggots
you can only dream about.
- You were fun, Leo. I'll miss you.
- [Squirtle repeating mockingly]
[Ms. Malkin] If Santa Claus has 39 elves
making 1,981 toys an hour
Freezing here.
How about giving a guy some shell?
Wait. Ho, ho, Mr. Popular,
now you wanna come in here with me?
It's 65 degrees.
These Central Florida winters are brutal.
Just a couple of minutes.
Hey, hey! At least buy me dinner first.
[Leo, muffled] Wait.
Are those my baseball cards?
[school bell rings]
[mischievous music playing]
[tongue snapping]
[mouthing] Call me.
- [door shuts]
- You're talking to them.
- That's why you keep coming back.
- What? No.
Just a little bit.
No, no, no, no. There is no little bit.
We don't talk to them.
These kids are all benefiting
from my insights before I drop dead.
- Okay, so it's about your ego.
- [Leo] That's not what this is.
[Squirtle grunting]
It's about sharing my 74 years of wisdom
to help these kids with their issues.
Whether it's breaking up with the drone
or having hand-me-down pants.
Oh, boo-freakin'-hoo.
I had to wear my sister's shell
till I was 16.
I made a huge difference with that TJ kid.
What? I don't understand. That's normal.
First one? Usually, it's in the front,
but very nice. You're growing up.
No, no, no. It's my dad.
[somber music plays]
What's so funny?
I told him that Dave Connaire,
in 1974, all of a sudden, grew a nose
the size of a Buick just like his dad's.
And everybody still loved him,
'cause he was a cool kid, like you.
And the next week,
Cole's problem was even tougher.
You won't do sleepovers,
'cause you say things in your sleep?
Well, if I'm not gonna tell anyone
about you talking to me,
do you promise not to tell anyone?
- Yeah. Of course.
- [groans]
This isn't my real voice.
[high-pitched] I really talk like this.
I can't let them know. I sound ridiculous.
[crackling] This is priceless.
Well, I fixed it. I told him
- You sound like a young Bee Gee.
- A what?
How 'bout The Weeknd? Know him?
[sings The Weeknd's "Can't Feel My Face"]
Yeah, like that.
[Leo] Last week,
he sang at the winter recital,
and I heard they went nuts.
[crowd cheering]
Nice job, Ms. Malkin.
I'm sorry, was that praise?
[laughs] Keep it up,
and we may see more of you here.
- [Leo] The class did great.
- [Squirtle] Did they win?
[Leo] Nah, kindergarten always wins.
Way too cute.
- [instruments clatter]
- [kindergartners chatter indistinctly]
And you should've seen me
last week with Mia.
[Squirtle] You mean Huggy?
The human cling wrap?
[Leo] Excuse me. She has a name.
As you know,
her parents were recently divorced.
Only two hours late today.
Very considerate.
Are you letting him cut his own hair now?
- [engine revs]
- [tires screech]
You can't watch the kids next weekend,
so me and Aurora can have
Valentine's Day together?
I'm asking you one favor!
- You don't have any plans. Because I know.
- [clears throat]
I'm sorry, but lizards do not talk.
Parrots, macaws, songbirds,
and certain killer whales.
Don't believe everything
you read on the Internet.
Why would you only talk to me?
'Cause you're nice. You're great
at school, answering all the questions.
- I love to learn things.
- You're a lot quieter around your family.
Don't you ever wanna let 'em see
how big that brain of yours is?
My brother and sister think I'm weird.
- You just looked like my grandpa.
- Yeah? Is that a good thing?
My grandpa used to talk to me.
He really liked science,
and he would ask me questions,
even if he knew the answer. [sniffles]
What? He sounds like a great guy.
He was my best friend. [cries, sniffles]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I didn't mean to get that going.
Please, kid, I hate that.
- [sobbing softly] I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, no. Don't be sorry.
Just stop. I I can't handle it.
But my mom says it's good to cry.
Not where I come from.
Here. Let me calm you down.
I'll sing you a lullaby,
and you'll go to sleep.
Don't cry
Crying's for weaklings
Don't cry
It's lazy and dumb
Dry those tears
They make you look ugly
Suck it up
You mustn't succumb
Everyone's stuck
With something they're stuck with
Everyone's trapped
In something they hate
What does it solve
To blubber and
[mimics a crying baby]
Why not be strong?
Make the best of your fate
Don't cry
It's really annoying
Turn off the faucet
It looks bad on you
I know it's hard
I know you're troubled
But we've all got problems
So boo-freaking
Whoa. You scared me.
[chuckles] You're just doing
what my grandpa did,
pretending not to know something,
so I can tell you what's right.
Here. Scientific research has established
that crying releases
oxytocin and endorphins.
These feel-good chemicals help ease
both physical and emotional pain.
I didn't know how to help her,
so I just listened. And that helped.
Wow. So you got this E.T. scam going.
Got every kid thinking he's Elliott?
This will end badly.
All I know is these kids'll remember me.
Did you hear about
Hammy #3's funeral last week?
- Hammy #3 died? Didn't know that.
- Exactly.
[Leo] They say the funeral was a snooze.
No one had anything to say.
I liked that white spot over his ear.
I liked the way he breathed.
He gave me pinkeye.
My funeral is gonna be packed
with fond remembrances and anecdotes.
[belches, slurps]
Yeah, good for you
and your last week's vocabulary words.
And, buddy, that funeral
could come sooner than you think.
- [kids yelling] Me! Me!
- My turn with the Geico thing!
[yelps, thuds]
Have fun, Anthony! Leo's awesome!
These things heads grow back too?
Or just their tails? I'll figure it out.
Oh, no. Call my next of kin.
This is how I want to divide my estate.
Help me!
- What?
- [Squirtle] I got your back.
- I couldn't let you do this one alone.
- What are you gonna do?
You lay back. It's harder to hurt me.
I got the shell.
What about giving advice?
Oh, like I don't know anything?
I can do what you do.
- [crowd cheering on phone]
- [Anthony] Mm.
[commentator] That was an incredible move!
What strategy!
- Hey!
- [commentator] starting to let his
Go straight to his head.
Hey, over here.
- [yells] What?
- Ah!
- Oh, come on!
- Forget that. I talk.
Oh my God. Grandma!
No, no, no. Stop, stop.
Can't do that or we'll all die.
- What? Why?
- I don't know. I I'm telling you.
- You You'll die. Just shut up. Calm down.
- Oh, okay.
Fix your phone later.
I'm a talking turtle. I picked you 'cause
"I like your style."
- Take it down a notch.
- I got this. Now, tell me your problems.
- What?
- I I can fix your problems. I I I
I seen a lot of things
in that 5th grade room,
and I can help. So come on.
I don't have any problems.
Other than I broke my phone.
Ah-ha. Bully. I get it.
Come on. You're insecure, right?
Every class bully is.
No. I don't know.
You're sad, you got something
tearing you up inside.
Just say it. I'm a talking turtle.
I can't tell anyone else.
Of course I'm a bully.
I don't know what else to do.
- I'm just different. I'm not smart.
- Nah. Everyone's smart in some way.
You're just afraid of trying
and looking not smart. That's textbook.
- What's a textbook?
- You know what? Never mind.
- I'm different in other ways too.
- There you go. Come on. Out with it.
- You won't say anything?
- No. What is it? What's the sadness?
I don't know how babies are made.
Perfect. That's very class bully.
Tough on the outside,
a self-hating pile
of cottage cheese on the inside.
- Can you just tell me?
- Oh. About babies? Sure. Here we go.
[clears throat] First, the daddy climbs
on the mommy's back while she's swimming.
He reaches under the mommy
to find her cloaca.
This goes on for about 24 hours.
Then the mommy comes ashore, makes a nest,
and deposits eggs in the sand.
My mom made eggs in the sand?
Yes. So the fish don't eat 'em.
[ball tapping]
I crushed it.
Totally fixed the kid's problem.
The taping me up,
maybe it's 'cause he wants to keep me.
- [tape tearing off]
- [Squirtle screams] Stop!
[Squirtle snoring, whistling]
[gentle acoustic music playing]
You miss your friends
from being held back.
Worried about being behind?
This is a tough time,
but these are the best years. Believe me.
Enjoy not knowing everything.
Enjoy being a kid. You're a good one.
Do you miss being a kid?
I'm just glad I'm still here.
- [kids laughing]
- [tapping]
Okay, every one of you
has had a weekend with Leo here.
So from here on, you'll be taking home
[sighs] What's the turtle's name again?
Squirtle. My name is Squirtle.
I think it's Squirtle.
Squirtle sucks.
I beg your pardon? Why?
I don't know. He just sucks.
- I like Leo, though. He's nice.
- The best.
- [kid 1] Yeah! Come on
- [Logan] Leo's better than that turtle.
Oh, stop that noise. Stop it!
What is so special about this reptile?
I like his skin.
His skin is like my grandma's elbows.
Uh, same.
- Same.
- Same.
- Elbows.
- [kids] Same.
All right. If you all so desperately want
to take home that lizard again,
you'll just have to earn it.
- [kids speaking indistinctly]
- [Cole W.] I wanna get picked!
We'll do our homework
and promise to bring it in.
You will all make my class
a model of excellence,
and even win that Academicathalon,
or it's the turtle for all of you.
[kid] Yes! Thank you so much.
Was this your dying wish?
To turn a bunch of brats against me?
It's not about us. It's about the kids.
They're motivated.
They're gonna finish the year strong.
["When It's Us" playing]
[crowd cheering]
[excitedly] Yes!
[inaudible dialogue]
Yeah, Louis Pasteur is the father
of microbiology.
He discovered that dangerous
microorganisms could grow in open water.
["When It's Us" keeps playing]
[thunder booms, rumbles]
[wind howling]
- Wow! Well, now, that's impressive.
- [all applauding]
[song ends]
Class 5-C, you're one step away
from going to Magic Land Park!
- [kids cheer]
- How great a job has our teacher done?
- Bravo, Ms. Malkin.
- [kids applaud]
I know a lot of parents weren't happy
when I first brought you in,
due to your rep as a miserable person.
But if you win
the History Fair on Saturday, we'll...
You'll prove all the doubters wrong.
Well, Principal Spahn, in the classroom,
sometimes the old ways are the best ways.
- I can't believe it.
- [air horn blares]
Back to your posts. No five-highing.
- [Leo] Oh, that pic is fire.
- [Skyler, on phone] Thank you.
Hey, what is the deal? I've been waiting
for your next Jenga move for 30 minutes.
Now did you make the costume
or did your mom?
Tell the truth.
You know I won't tell anyone.
- I only talk to you.
- [phone ringing]
- What?
- [Skyler] Is that another phone?
Uh, I don't know.
Uh, must be on Malkin's desk or something.
- [phone 2 rings]
- Oh.
- [Skyler] Hello?
- Come on.
- [Skyler] Leo, where'd you go?
- [bleeps, chimes]
I I'll be right there.
- [Skyler] Leo?
- [groans]
[phone 3 ringing]
- [Skyler] Hello?
- Hey, pal, toss it here. I'll handle it.
- [phone rings, stops]
- [Skyler] Can you hear me?
- [sighs]
- [Skyler] Leo?
Yeah, I think Malkin
must have an extra phone.
Anywho, what did Summer say?
Oh my God,
you can't all play Jackie Kennedy.
And, like,
we so wanna slay this History Fair.
[Skyler] I know. That Magic Land Park trip
would be awesome.
[Leo, feedback-like] Hey, you're awesome
because you tried your best.
[Skyler, feedback-like]
That's why I'm your special friend?
[Leo chuckles] Yeah.
- [door creaks open]
- You talk to Skyler too?
I I just Only because she...
That's Summer's phone in there,
right behind yours.
[mischievous music playing]
- You happy now? For ruining this?
- I don't know what happened.
I I must've butt-dialed ya.
I mean, butt-shot ya.
You don't even have a butt.
[gasps] How dare you?
[sad music playing]
- You talk to all of us?
- You said I was the only one.
You said I was the only one.
- I thought I was special.
- You're all special. I...
[all speaking indistinctly]
- [Leo] I'm sorry! I just
- [gasps]
Seeing you guys getting along
and doing great in class,
it felt like
I was actually making a difference.
You did. This year would've been
a nightmare without you helping me.
[Summer] Ms. Malkin's so mean.
Talking to you made the class bearable.
- [Leo] I was just worried if you all knew
- [gasps, breathes heavily]
other people would find out.
You told me not to tell anyone,
and I didn't.
- Nobody did. Because we can keep a secret.
- [Logan] Yeah.
What, did you tell everyone
I shave my unibrow?
Because I don't.
Hey, the only one he told
about your unibrow,
or that you still eat your boogers,
was me.
- And I barely chuckled.
- What?
I'm leaving.
I tried.
[Leo] Wait, it's Friday.
Aren't you gonna take me home?
Summer, it's your turn.
Please, I'm so sorry.
How can we trust you now?
That was a question.
[door creaks]
All right, what's everyone doing here?
Oh, you're leaving.
Good. Take the whole day off.
You need to rest up
for the history fair tomorrow. Go home.
Go. Shoo. Come on, out you go.
[door beeps, shuts]
[curious music playing]
You and I have a lot to talk about.
I don't understand.
I I know I lied to the kids.
What did I do to you?
Excuse me, talking to my students
behind my back? Advising them?
Okay. I feel terrible,
but I was just trying to...
Undermine my methods!
Cheat me out of feeling
any satisfaction from their success.
What? They learned everything you wanted.
Why wouldn't that make you happy?
Don't think you can analyze me.
I'm an adult.
Not a shrieking brat who thinks
reading Canterbury Tales is torture.
It's not torture?
Asking me to be happy
when I have nothing but these four walls.
- What about your family?
- Excuse me, do you see any family?
Oh. Uh, not unless you're related
to the gym coach.
- Those pictures are none of your business.
- Gotcha. Never saw 'em.
I put my whole life into teaching
just to be a mere substitute.
[sad piano song plays]
Never had my own class,
never got any respect.
You want me to be happy?
Look, I also had dreams
that never happened.
Like seeing the Everglades,
or spreading Salmonella.
But this year,
I fell into something even better.
I really clicked with these kids.
Uh, maybe it helped, just a little,
that you're a talking animal?
Yeah, but also, maybe it's you.
'Cause I've seen subs come
through this school that kids love.
What about Mrs. Knight?
Nice to the kids
Didn't smell quite right
Remember Mr. Monk?
He was a closet drunk
This may have been before your time
Miss Losch?
A fine teacher.
She was mine
Wait, you were a student here?
You don't remember me?
I was a lot different.
I was
[Leo] Oh, wow. Yeah.
You were very sweet.
I was adorable. And she
She made you
Yes, she did.
She made me feel like I could do anything.
And tell me, do you think she was
She made you her family.
That's what great teachers do.
Even substitutes.
With the little time they have,
they try to make a difference.
And that's what keeps them happy.
You can feel love
It's not the end
That smile you had can come back again
Just pull that stick out your tush
And take a cue
[song transitions into upbeat]
From teachers that preceded you
You're not alone
Make a home for them
And embrace your important role
[both] In shaping them
Body and soul
- And you'll be
- And I'll be
[both] Happy
- Well, that felt wonderful.
- I know you got it in you.
You're gonna get those kids
first place tomorrow.
- Oh, you're coming with me.
- No, please. They're mad.
Let Let them focus on winning.
Well, I'm still taking you.
After they win,
we'll make sure they appreciate
all you were doing for them.
You know what? You are special.
[indistinct chattering]
[Cole H.] I couldn't sleep last night.
I couldn't stop thinking
about what Leo did to us.
Let's just not talk about Leo.
We're done with Leo.
We're ready.
We can win this thing ourselves.
- [door opens]
- Good morning, my dear students.
[door creaks]
- They look confident.
- You sounded nice. Real warm.
Thank you.
I'll keep you posted when I can.
- [peppy music playing]
- [indistinct chattering]
I'm Betsy Ross.
I designed the first American Flag
in 1776.
But I didn't just say
what I thought the flag should look like,
I listened to others
to see what they thought.
The result was
the superior design we have today,
and also, people liking me more.
I'm Susan B. Anthony.
I played a pivotal role
in the women's suffrage movement
in the 19th century.
But I'm not that special or great.
And neither is my family.
So I can relate to average women
who couldn't vote until 1920.
I'm Winston Churchill.
"We shall fight on the beaches."
"We shall fight them
in the fields and in the streets."
"We shall never surrender,
but we shall let them down easy,
with a nice letter."
- "So they don't lose their minds."
- This is wonderful.
You've taught them life lessons.
I I can't hear anything.
Can you open your pocket?
They burned me, Joan of Arc,
at the stake, but I am not afraid.
Boo-freaking-hoo! Everyone's got problems.
I talked about it to a friend
and felt a lot better.
[audience applauding]
Aw, I think that friend is you.
[Principal Spahn] Malkin's Marvels,
you're going to Magic Land Park!
- Congratulations, class!
- [audience applauds and cheers]
[TJ's dad] Yeah!
And to the first substitute
to ever win Teacher of the Year!
[audience cheering]
You'll be chaperoned
by Ms. Malkin and Coach Kimura.
- [chuckles] Oh
- [triumphant music playing]
Is it over? We win? When do I come out?
[muffled] What's happening?
Ms. Malkin, can we go see Leo?
- Honey, it's about to rain.
- We can't go to our class for one second?
You know what the rain does
to my extensions. [sighs]
I gotta say, I thought you were
some kind of a twisted animal.
A rabid, bitter bag
of mothballs foaming at the mouth.
But I've never seen my Jayda speak
like that. It's like she's, uh, nice?
That's our Ms. Malkin!
[Kabir's mom]
You really got to know our kids.
- What a special lady.
- Get this woman a full-time job next year.
[chuckles] Oh,
I think we can arrange that.
[Summer's mom]
She's helped Summer make friends.
[Cole H.'s dad] Cole's proud of his voice,
thanks to you.
- [Logan's mom] How'd you do it?
- Well You know
[Leo grunting, yelling]
That's, um my stomach. I I better go.
- [air horn blares]
- She's not gonna make it.
What happened? I couldn't hear nothing.
Did we win?
I thought I was gonna see the kids.
We're going somewhere very special.
We're all going to celebrate?
What, a pizza party?
[dramatic music playing]
Wow, this pizza's out in the boonies.
[engine revs]
[grunts] What's goin' on?
You're leaving me here?
What about the kids?
They lost. The class
embarrassed themselves and blamed you.
What? What was all that cheering?
That was for the other class. I'm sorry.
What did I do? I've never felt so bad.
Don't say that.
You said the Everglades was your dream.
Now you can live it out, with no chance
of ever running into the children.
Or their parents.
Or the principal. Or the media.
I said it was my dream.
- The kids are what I...
- [engine revs]
[brakes squeal]
- [engine revs]
- [tires screech]
- [ominous music playing]
- [frogs croaking]
- [alligator growls]
- [yelps]
[devices ringing, beeping]
- [Mia] What?
- [Cole H.] Where is he?
- [Summer] Is he hiding?
- [Cole H.] He's not hiding.
He was here.
- You seen him?
- [Jayda] What happened?
What a shame. He must've run away.
- [kids gasp]
- [vacuum thuds]
- He left us?
- Oh, look.
There seems to be some kind of note.
- Leo could write?
- Of course. He could talk.
Oh! He talked to you people too?
Oh, I thought I was special.
"Dear class."
"I've greatly enjoyed my time
with you this year,
but I wish to move on
and finally see the world."
"I realize I broke your trust,
and that can't be fixed."
"But if you would be so kind,
please keep our conversations secret,
so that I'm not harassed,
like E.T. or The Iron Giant, or Splash,
or the classic, The Shape of Water."
"Simply attribute your success
to Ms. Malkin,
whose integrity is beyond reproach."
"Best Regards, Leo."
Well, let's try and be happy for Leo.
He's doing what he wanted most.
But we never even got to thank him.
That's life, gang.
Life gets more difficult the older we get.
It's called growing up.
[sad piano music playing]
When I was ten
I didn't have a single care
And not a single body hair
And life was fine
When I was nine
We still left milk for Santa Claus
My mom was not in menopause
And life was great
When I was eight
I still could wear a size one shoe
I thought Big Macs were good for you
Yes, life was heaven
When I was seven
I knew some dirty words
But thought
That babies came out of Mom's butt
Like baby chicks
When I was six
My folks would fight
But I was chill
My grandpa and my gerbils
Were still alive
When I was five
I didn't care that people die
A haircut used to make me cry way more
When I was four
I didn't need to have a phone
They hadn't yet invented drones
To follow me
When I was three
I'd laugh for days when I was two
When someone said the word doo-doo
There were no rules when I was one
Except, don't fall
We just had fun
But that was then
[all] When I was ten
[song ends]
Okay, everybody.
Be careful on the Dragon Coaster.
Wipe the chair and the safety bar.
Doesn't matter what the teacher says,
you call us every half hour.
- And don't lick anything.
- [light music plays]
They tried to put the shift on Kabir
when he was up, but guess what?
- He can hit to right field too.
- Oh!
That is something.
- What do you think Leo's doing right now?
- I have no idea.
- [insects chirping]
- [frogs croaking]
[snake hissing]
Sure, kids, why flip over
the musty old turtle before you leave?
[yelling] Even though he knows the truth?
But no, everyone's gone!
Everyone but me and that pathetic
[in normal voice] Wait.
Where's the allergy kid's phone? Ah.
Ha. [grunts]
[sighs] Here we go.
[reading messages out loud]
[continues reading out loud]
- [crashes]
- [glass shatters]
[adventurous music playing]
There's no time for lettuce. Flip me!
Okay, we gotta move!
Follow those brats!
- [flamingo] Hey.
- [whimpers]
Shake it off, man.
You're freaking everyone out.
[adventurous music continues]
Okay, let's hit it.
[mysterious music playing]
[gulps, chews]
[smooth bossa nova music playing]
[breathing heavily]
- [music stops]
- [pouch toots]
- [light music playing]
- This is our last field trip together.
Why does it feel like our worst?
[drone humming]
- [knocks]
- What?
- [adventurous music playing]
- [kids speaking indistinctly]
[singing "Watch Me" by Silent]
Now watch me nae nae
Now watch me whip
- What is going on back here?
- She did it!
- Excuse me?
- I saw it. I saw the whole thing.
She took him out of the terrarium
after you guys left that day.
She took him,
and I wanted to say something,
but her and her vacuum,
they gave me the stink eye,
and I slipped on, uh, somebody else's pee,
and I flipped on my back,
and this whole thing is my fault
'cause I got jealous of my best friend
instead of being happy for him.
I used the camera phone to bust him,
but now I gotta bust you, Demeritface!
He's lying! This turtle can't be trusted.
He turned on Leo.
Come on. You all know Leo's
the reason you got this stupid trip.
He helped you
with your weird kid problems.
That's why you won.
He wanted to do something meaningful
with the rest of his pathetic time,
and he did it.
Why did you say, "The rest of his time"?
- He's dying!
- [kids] What?!
He's gonna be 75.
That's lights out for lizards.
- Oh, no!
- [Cole H.] He's dying?
But does Demeritface care? No!
All Demeritface wants is all the credit!
[gasps] Another lie!
Then where is he, Ms. Misery?
Where's my best friend,
Demeritface? Where is he?
- Out with it, Demeritface!
- [Cole H.] Where is he, Demeritface?
[kids clamoring indistinctly]
Watch me, watch me
Ooh, watch me, watch me, ooh
- [Cole H.] What did you do with him?
- Stop it! Stop it! Stop it now!
[gentle music playing]
I took him, and I drove him away.
- That's crazy! Seriously?
- I can't believe you!
He's right, I wanted the credit.
I thought it would make me
- He's gonna die thinking we're mad at him.
- Where did you take him?
[sighs] The Everglades.
You sent him to the Glades?
That's a terrible neighborhood!
- Those crazy animals will rip him apart!
- Ms. Malkin, please help us find him.
We can't not see him again.
- [sighs]
- [resolute music plays]
[singing "Wobble" by V.I.C., then stops]
Hey there.
We need to change course.
We're going to the Everglades.
What? We're going to Magic Land Park!
That's what the parents expect,
and that's where we're goin'.
Oh my, our first fight.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [kids cheer]
- [tires screech]
- [yelps]
[gasps, grunts]
[panting] Thank you. I'm fine.
Children, we're going to Magic Land Park.
- [insects humming]
- [water trickling]
[tribal music plays]
Thanks, but a little too murky for me.
How How close are we to a drip tube?
Seriously, the microorganisms
will kill you.
- A kid told me that.
- [buzzing]
You guys never heard of Louis Pasteur?
[firefly 1 buzzing]
- [firefly 1 buzzing rhythmically]
- [all fireflies buzzing]
[lizards laughing]
What the [garbling]
- Someone help me out here.
- [pony] Boss, is that you?
[yells, grunts]
Wha... What?
Hey, that's the guy!
The guy who set us free at that party.
- That's the guy?
- [animals gasp]
- [animals speak indistinctly]
- [lizard] That's the guy.
I don't know what Grandma's thinking.
We'll save him on our own, let's go.
[adventurous music plays]
- [tribal music playing]
- Get this guy some algae.
- And some of you.
- [buzzing intensely]
Boss, you're gonna love it here.
No trainers telling you what to do,
no bratty kids joking
about your compact legs.
But I miss those kids.
[pony] What?
They're not bratty.
You just gotta get to know them.
Like this one kid whose father's back
had a gorilla situation.
[drone humming]
I got this. You go back to the kids.
Hey, anybody see a buddy of mine?
He's green with bumps,
got a tail, wicked ugly.
Okay, moving on.
[adventurous music playing]
- [Coach Kimura] We're here, y'all!
- [Cole W.] Yes!
- [kids cheering]
- And I'm hungry.
- Let's do this.
- Hi, welcome to Magic Land Park.
- Okay. Let me get...
- A Cotton Dragon!
- A Wizard Puffs, please?
- Me too!
- I'll take a Unicorn Balls.
- Huh?
They're jawbreakers. Please?
[chuckles] Okay, gang.
You getting all of this?
Oh, and I need one Fireblower hat.
Okie doke. Now we're ready,
am I right, kids?
[footsteps receding]
Are you kidding me? Hey!
- [Summer] Go! Run fast!
- [TJ] Come on. Move it!
- [kid] Come on!
- [panting]
- [grunting and panting]
- [panting]
- [tires screech]
- [driver] Oh my God!
- [panting]
- [panting, gobbling]
- Come on, Ms. Malkin. Hurry up.
- [Cole H.] Faster!
[panting] Just go. Go without me!
- But you have to drive us!
- [pants]
[pants, grunts]
- [grunting]
- [Cole H.] Come on!
[both grunt]
- [kids straining and shouting]
- [Coach Kimura straining]
[exciting music playing]
- [beeping]
- [whirring]
- [kids] Come on, Ms. Malkin!
- [straining]
[Ms. Malkin grunting]
The Purell!
- [Purell splatters]
- [screams]
[yells, grunts]
[shouting] Whoever did this will pay!
- [Logan] He's coming!
- [shouting]
- We have to get out of here!
- I got this!
- What?
- I'm from the Bronx.
- I've been driving since I was eight.
- [Coach Kimura screaming]
[motor revs]
[kids shouting excitedly]
- [kid 1] Yeah! Yeah! Do it!
- [Summer] Woo-hoo!
- [driver] Oh my God!
- [car horn honking]
Hey, pick a lane, lady!
[tribal music playing]
I knew it. Leo?
- [squeaks]
- [yells]
Hey! Whoa, whoa. No.
No, no, no, no, no. I hate it out here!
And I explained to them,
I was just afraid someone would tell.
But now they're all mad at me,
and my funeral's gonna be
even worse than Hammy #3's.
- Who's Hammy #3?
- I think it's a sandwich at Arby's.
Why you talking about your funeral?
'Cause it's coming any day.
I'm almost 75 years old.
So what? We live to, like, 110.
What? But Skyler's dad said...
A hundred and ten,
unless eaten by alligators.
I'm 97.
A hundred six. He's 74? He's a tween.
[lizard] Look how fast he blinks.
[all laugh]
[shouts vividly] I'm gonna live!
This is incredible!
- The guy's gonna live!
- [animals cheering]
[all chant] The guy's gonna live!
The guy's gonna live!
I gotta get back to those kids.
I can redeem myself!
And we're gonna help you.
- [all chant] The guy's gonna live! The...
- [shushes]
- [alligators snoring]
- [Squirtle] I said I was sorry!
- [can clattering]
- [mouse squeaking]
[sighs] I'd kill for lateral movement.
[menacing music plays]
[alligators snarling]
Guys, before you do anything,
let's talk about why you're angry, okay?
Anyone's parents getting divorced?
- [dramatic music playing]
- [kids screaming]
- Aren't you gonna stop?
- I'm trying.
But I weigh 80 pounds
and this thing needs oil.
- [kids scream]
- [Summer] This looks scary. Oh, my God.
- [kid 1] Come on!
- [snoring]
[steam whistling and trumpeting]
What the Is that
some kind of woolly mammoth?
I don't know, but it could kill us, right?
Uh, definitely.
[Kabir] We're here.
[kids grunting lightly]
- [Kabir] Get back.
- [growls]
- [Logan] Oh, gosh.
- [Eli] Oh, no, no, no.
That's a demerit.
[shuriken clinks]
- [shurikens clinking]
- [growls]
[angrily] You need to chill.
- [alligator growls]
- [grunts]
[heroic music plays]
[hisses, growls]
Summer, talk to him.
So I don't know if you know,
but it doesn't really matter.
We were supposed to go to Magic Land,
which is cool.
I've never been there.
I don't like magic and roller coasters.
They just seem really boring.
They're scary, which isn't boring,
but you're not doing anything,
you're just sitting,
when you could be
playing soccer or baking a cake.
- I mean, my mom's on a diet, so...
- [drone humming]
[suspenseful music plays]
[plays electronic fanfare]
[Ms. Malkin panting]
[melancholy music playing]
[Skyler] How could Leo ever survive
out here?
How do we even start looking for him?
I just don't know.
[gasps again, sharply]
[Cole W. moans]
- What? Leo, no!
- [kids gasp]
- [Mia] Oh, no. Leo!
- [Skyler and TJ] Leo!
[sorrowfully] Leo,
we just wanted to thank you.
I'm so sorry I got mad. We all are.
We won the trip, Leo. All because of you.
You made me feel like I could do anything.
You brought us all together.
I never had a lizard
that taught me so much.
Or any non-lizards either.
[sniffles] I'm not scared.
I wanna hug you one more time.
What? They ate his insides!
I'm not... [grunts]
[grunting and yelling]
- [kids] Huh?
- [groans]
[slowly, painfully] I'm okay, pal.
- [Cole H.] I can't believe it.
- [Summer] You're all right.
Sorry I scared you.
When I get nervous, I tend to molt.
Old habit.
[happy music playing]
That was the best funeral
I could ever have.
Wait, but if you guys won,
shouldn't you be celebrating
in Magic Land Park?
We couldn't celebrate.
We needed to see you before you die.
Oh. Uh, who told you I was dying?
The turt... Uh, Squirtle told us.
Well, I thought I was,
but I found out I'm not.
- [kids] You're not?
- You're not gonna die?
You're not still mad?
[Anthony] This is incredible.
- We love you, Leo.
- [Summer] Are you crazy?
- This is amazing!
- [sobs]
[Skyler] I'm so happy!
[cries, sniffles]
You're right about the endorphins.
It really feels awesome.
- Ah. Oh, boy! Ah!
- [mouse squeaking]
- Still coming. Give me a second.
- [can clattering]
Hey, glad you're okay.
Sorry about busting you.
I want you to have something.
[gentle music playing]
- Least I could do.
- It's okay. Put it back on.
You're gonna get arrested.
[mouse squeaking]
You should all be proud.
We've all learned so much this year.
Now, before I go,
I want to finish something else
that Mrs. Salinas started.
I'm going to read
the rest of Charlotte's Web. [blows]
- Ugh, is she kidding?
- Let's just get through it.
"Charlotte was dying."
"'But I feel peaceful, ' she said."
"'Your success in the ring was,
to a small degree, my success.'"
"'Why did you do all this for me?'
Wilbur asked."
"'Because I liked you, '
replied Charlotte."
- "'After all, what's life, anyway?'"
- [sniffling]
[Ms. Malkin] "'We're born,
we live a little while, we die.'"
[Ms. Malkin] "'Perhaps,
I was trying to lift my life a trifle.'"
- "'Anyone's life can stand a little of'"
- [bawling]
What? I was wrong, okay?
Crying's doin' so good for me.
[blows nose]
- Still wish I could eat spider babies.
- Nobody's eating any spider babies!
- [lively music plays]
- Hi, guys!
[kids] Mrs. Salinas.
- I missed you. Come meet Cole!
- [Mia] Yes!
- [kid 1] Can I hold the baby?
- [Kabir] He's so tiny.
Only one baby.
I guess she didn't bury the other eggs
deep enough in the sand.
[indistinct chattering]
Last year of elementary school
I'm, like, so over being a kid
Gonna look in the mirror for stubble
Gonna drink orange juice
With the bubbles
- I'll say I don't need you
- [shutter clicking]
[Kabir] I'll be keeping it steady
I miss you already
How are we gonna get
through middle school without you?
You'll be fine. It wasn't me. You did it.
You trusted someone to hear your problems.
That's all we need.
Remember, everyone's scared.
So don't keep it to yourself.
Find your Leo to talk to.
It could be your teacher,
your mom, your friend.
Your turtle.
They're ready to listen.
I promise they'll make you feel better.
[kids chuckle softly]
[shutter clicks]
Ms. Malkin! [chuckles]
Needless to say,
you've made your mark here.
And as I promised, I'm opening up a class
for you to run full-time next year.
Well, thank you, Principal Spahn.
But I'll need one condition met.
Whatever class I teach,
I want these two alongside me as pets.
Well, okay.
I don't see that being a problem.
- Look at this. We're going with Malkin.
- Change of scenery. Should be good.
Congratulations, meet your new students.
- [kindergartners chattering chaotically]
- [air horn blaring]
- Oh God!
- Not in the shell! Keep it clean!
[Leo] Lot of energy.
This is good,
we're finally gonna learn the alphabet!
- [Squirtle] Oh my God!
- [Leo] Yeah!
["When It's Us" playing]
[song ends]
- [whirring]
- [yelps, grunts]
[lively music playing]
[Leo yelps]
[kindergartner babbles, thumps,
then babbles again]
[transitions into upbeat jazz music]
[jazz crescendos]
[music stops]
[gentle lullaby music playing]
[music stops]
[jazzy adventurous music playing]
[music stops]
[mellow synth music playing]
[music stops]
[amusing music playing]
[music stops]
[high-spirited song plays]
[Zane] Last year of elementary school
Last year of bein' a kid
Being on top
[Cole H.] I'm gonna go out swingin'
Toy soldiers
Dippin' Dots, fun-size bars
Slip 'N slides
Fart noises, chicken stars
Until they tell me to stop
[Anthony] Last year of elementary school
Biggest kid on campus, I got it made
Sit down, son!
I own all you dorks
I'm so stoked
I was held back in third grade
[Jayda] Okay, okay
So we will not invite Cara
[Skyler] Oh my God, I hate her
- [Jayda] Sabrina's kind of cool
- [Skyler] We do not do fourth-graders
- [Jayda] We make a list of friends?
- [Skyler] Yes, with no weirdos on it
- [Jayda] What about Summer?
- [Logan] She's nice.
[Skyler] Uh, vomit.
[Kabir] Last year of elementary school
This is the year people talk to me
The year someone says, "How are you?"
It's been three years
Since I joined the school
I'm due
I'd say I'm due
[male singer] We think you're due too
- [alarm clock beeping]
- [Cole W.] Five more minutes
[smart speaker]
Okay, five more minutes
[Mia] I just can't wait to go back
It's the first school day
And both Mom and Dad
are gonna take me there
That's not allowed in the house
Is what the lawyers say
But he gives me a big hug
Right on the front stairs
- [alarm clock beeping]
- [Cole W.] Five more minutes
[Mr. Wiseki] Cole, you have to get up
On your own this year
- [Cole W.] Five more minutes
- [Mr. Wiseki] Okay, five more minutes
[smart speaker] Way to be strong, Dad.
[Eli] Lessening
They say my nut allergies are lessening
Once the immune boosters kick in
I can try the kung pao chicken
[Mrs. Salinas] Welcome, fifth graders
Go right through this door
'Cause this year your homerooms
Are on the second floor
[Cole H.] The big time!
[Mrs. Salinas] Please don't step
On the kindergartners
[kindergartners chattering chaotically]
[Zane] Last year
Of sleeping with a night light
[Jayda] Last year
Of not spelling "dessert" right
[Anthony] Last year
Of dominating recess
[Mia] Last year
Of T-shirts with a princess
- [Eli] Mom's food at lunchtime
- [Cole H.] Pockets filled with slime
- [Cole W.] Of temporary tattoos
- [Summer] Of dyeing my Bichon blue
[all kids] Last year
And what we do in grade five
Will decide the rest of our lives
- [song ends]
- [drone humming]
- [indistinct chattering]
- [kindergartner babbles, thuds]
[continues babbling]