Lesbian Space Princess (2024) Movie Script
1
(gentle music)
(gentle music continues)
- Kiki, I made you
this scrapbook,
which I know is a bit weird,
but it all means
nothing without you,
because you are my everything.
It's like my life
only started that day
you rode into Clitopolis
for that bounty hunting job.
I didn't exactly have girls
knocking down my door,
before you did.
Kind of hard when everyone's
obsessed with my moms,
the great Leanne and Anne,
the lives of the party.
And I'm just there, too.
The most boring royal in
the history of Clitopolis,
as voted by the people.
That was a tough day.
But look at me now!
No one ever thought they'd
see the day Princess Saira
would have a hot
as fuck partner.
I can't be exiled
to the singles zone
this year's Lesbian Ball.
I know we're a bit
of an odd match,
like you love travelling,
and danger, and partying,
and I'm scared to go
anywhere, and of everything,
and I'd rather stay home
and work on my magic tricks.
But you know what they say?
Opposites attract.
You complete me.
And I know in my heart
we'll be together forever
and ever,
and ever.
- You're dumped.
- Fuck.
(gentle music continues)
She's a lesbian
She's in space
And she's also a princess
Oh, and she's very sad.
(Saira crying)
- Look, maybe if
things were different
and you were a different person
and I was a different person,
maybe this could
have worked for me.
But you're you,
and I'm me.
- [Saira] I'm sorry.
- Please stop crying.
- I literally can't.
- Hey, it's okay,
you'll be all right.
You are really good
with your hands.
(Kiki moaning)
Oh my God, oh. (moaning)
(Kiki moaning)
Oh, you're so good at that.
- It's my sleight of hand.
- You're smothering me.
We've only been
dating like two weeks,
and you made this
terrifying book.
(book clanks)
- No.
- I just thought dating a
space princess would be more,
ah, fun.
I don't wanna Gayflix
and chill every night.
- I'm sorry.
- And the "Sorry"s
always with the "Sorry"s.
- Sorry, oh, sorry
for being sorry.
(Kiki grunts)
Can we at least still go to
the Lesbian Ball together?
- Absolutely not, I
need to get outta here.
Goodbye forever.
(mimics explosion)
Pretend you saw a smoke
bomb and I'm gone.
(Saira sniffling)
(gentle music)
Wait, Saira.
- Yeah?
- You're wearing my jumper.
- Oh. (crying)
(gentle music)
(Kiki sighs)
- Oh man, fuck,
that's my jumper, too.
- Mm-hmm. (crying)
- Ugh, you know what?
Keep it, it can be
your birthday present.
- [Moms] Yay!
- I will never
take it off.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I gotta get the
hell outta here, I'm sorry.
Fuck, ugh, it's contagious,
goodbye forever.
I'll miss you so much.
(moms crying)
Oh, and of course I'll
miss you, too, Royal Pussy.
(upbeat music)
You always bring the party.
This hurts me more
than it hurts you.
- Honestly, I can't believe
it lasted that long.
- [Moms] We told you the
scrapbook was too much.
(upbeat percussive music)
- Okay, so that start
was pretty shit house.
- But welcome to...
(Anne humming)
That's a cool drum roll.
- [Moms] Our birthday party!
(audience cheers)
For Saira.
- [Audience Member] Oh.
(lights buzzing)
(person coughing)
- We can't believe
she's 22 today.
- 23.
- We can't believe she's
23 today. (sniffles)
- Which means it's
that time of the year
where we see if she can finally
summon her royal labrys.
- [Audience Member]
Think she'll fail again?
- [Audience Member]
Is the sky rainbow?
(hawk shrieks)
- For thousands of years,
the Clitopian royal
bloodline has been born
with the ability to
summon one of the most
powerful weapons known
to l-l-lesbian kind.
- [Moms] The labrys.
- Let us now turn to the
ancient scriptures of Wikipedia.
This all began back
on Earth, it says...
- [Leanne] "In the 1970s,
the labrys was adopted
by the lesbian community
as a feminist symbol
representing strength
and self-sufficiency."
- [Anne] The summonings
happened first try for us.
But you know what they
say, six time's the charm.
- [Moms] Try not to do that
over the thinking thing you do.
- Wait, what do
you mean by that?
- [Moms] Let the
summoning begin!
(audience cheers)
Lesbian
(Saira groaning)
Lesbian
(Saira groaning)
Lesbian
Lesbian
(Saira groaning)
- [Moms] It's happening.
(Saira groaning)
Lesbian
Lesbian
(singers vocalising)
(Saira panting)
- Oh.
- Oh, for fucks sake.
- [Leanne] Oh, sweetie,
that was really tough.
Especially for us.
- [Anne] It is so hard
to watch you struggle,
but let's not have
it ruin a good party.
Who wants to see us dance?
- [Leanne] I do, I
wanna see us dancing.
Party, party,
party, party, party
- [Leanne] Great dancing!
(birds chirp)
(sombre music)
Really, really, really sad
Really, really, really sad
- [Saira] Kiki, ever
since you've disappeared,
who else can I talk to?
I'm lost.
When you left, you took
everything with you.
The absence of you
is everywhere I look.
Really, really, really sad
- [Saira] It's like a huge hole
has been pumped
through my chest.
(Saira screaming)
But in a way, I'm glad.
The pain is my only
reminder that you were real.
(dramatic music)
(damsel whimpering)
(Kiki laughs)
(gun zaps)
(damsel yelps)
(damsel whimpers)
(dramatic music)
- Kiki the Destroyer, for all
your bounty hunting needs.
Hmm.
Couldn't you just watch
me, like, all day?
Kapow.
(phone chiming)
Fuck, I'm good.
(door slams)
Yeah, no, this is my room.
(women screaming)
Take them, not
me, what the fuck!
(Kiki panting)
No, no, no, no, please,
I'm too hot to die.
(tense music)
What the fuck?
Where am I?
Oh, what is this?
(Malien laughing)
- [Malien] Welcome to our cave,
that is our toxic home brew.
- [Kiki] Who the hell are you?
- Who are we?
We're the Straight
White Maliens.
(intense music)
- Who?
- Oh, come on.
- Are you, are you serious?
The Straight White Maliens.
We used to be the
most powerful beings
in the whole universe.
- Who?
- Yeah, of course, everyone
has forgotten about us.
Everyone!
- You stripped our ancestors
of all their power and you,
you left our kind for dead.
- And we were exiled
to this man cave.
But we've had a gut full of
being pushed us bloody side.
- I'm getting upset.
- You don't wanna see
us upset right now.
- Oh, you don't want to see
us get bloody. (mumbling)
- It's not good.
- Let me guess, you wanna
rule the world again?
- No, wrong, incorrect.
- Then what do you want from me?
- [Malien] You?
This isn't about you.
- [Malien] You
are just the bait.
- What?
- You see, we can't get
the hot chicks anymore.
So for thousands of
years we've been slaving
over building this chick magnet.
(chicken clucks)
But Larry fucked it up!
- Well, I don't hear you
complaining when you eat
these delicious, fresh
eggs every morning,
- Your eggs are shit!
You know those eggs are shit!
- What are you gonna feed
the chicks when we get 'em?
- Anyway, shut up, I'm
gonna feed the chicks our-
Oh no, wait, that
makes a lot of sense.
- [Larry] Thank you.
- Anyways, long story short,
we ended up buying a new
Swedish chick magnet online.
- But when it arrived,
what did we discover?
The bloody battery's
not included.
- Oh, hate that.
- Yeah, I do hate that.
(Josh mumbling)
- And according to the manual,
the battery is Princess Saira
of Clitopolis's royal labrys.
What the fuck?
- That seems weirdly specific.
- It's so stupid!
Especially because
we can't get past
that dumb Safety Bubble
protecting gay space.
And that little princess is
some sort of weird shut in.
It says she literally
never goes anywhere.
- Literally never.
- But according to the
manual, there is one thing
that could lure her out
of gay space. (giggling)
(tense music)
(phone ringing)
- Kiki, finally.
Wait, oh my God, where are you?
- Saira, you gotta help me,
I've been captured by these
things called Straight
White Maliens.
- Who?
- Oh, fuck you!
Now listen, princess, we
need your royal labrys.
- What, why?
- For super tough
cool dude stuff.
- So if you don't want us
to drown your beloved Kiki
in our toxic home brew,
you will bring it here,
to the worst, most dangerous
place in the universe.
(Saira gasps)
- But-
- Saira, please tell me
you actually have the labrys.
(mantle chimes)
- Oh yeah, totally, I've got it.
Yeah, it's, it's
not on me right now,
but I definitely have it.
- Oh, thank God.
- Great, bring it here in the
next 24 hours and come alone,
or lover girl is going down,
or should I say going
drown? (cackling)
- Oh.
(group cackling)
- Going drown. (cackling)
(group cackling)
(timer beeps)
- Kiki, Kiki! (whimpering)
(Saira grunting)
(Saira crying)
- [Monster] Why did you do that?
You'll never summon the labrys.
The only royal to fail
at this simple tradition.
You're a disappointment
to your moms.
To everyone. (laughs)
Kiki's doomed because of you.
If you weren't broken, you
would have your labrys.
(ominous music)
(mouse clicking)
(keyboard clicking)
(keyboard clicking)
(keyboard clicking)
- [Poster] Can't believe
Kiki was with her.
- [Poster] Saira sucks.
- [Poster] How can
you be a princess,
and not even like to party?
- [Poster] Saira still sucks.
- [Poster] I heard
she's straight.
- [Poster] Ew.
(Saira sighs)
- [Blade] You all need
to give her a break.
No wonder she can't
summon her labrys.
She should come to
my club, I can help.
Blade, your resident weapons
expert, kisses, motherfucker.
(Saira gasps)
(keyboard clicking)
Now it is cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, yeah, yeah
To be queer, to be queer
(tense music)
(Saira grunts)
(fist thumping)
- [Anne] Saira, we left
some food outside, okay?
It's a banh mi.
- [Leanne] Also, honey, we,
we hate to bring it up, but-
- [Anne] We put
you down as single
for the Lesbian
Ball tomorrow night.
(upbeat music)
- No need, I'll be
going with Kiki.
(moms sigh)
- [Leanne] Oh, thank God
she's taken you back.
- [Anne] Oh my goodness.
- [Leanne] That is a relief.
- [Anne] Oh, it's just
so, so sad to be single.
Well, we can only imagine it is.
- [Moms] Never done
it, never want to.
- Like everyone can see it,
'cause there's no one
standing next to you,
and when someone's single,
you just imagine them in a
food court, by themselves.
- Eating alone,
chatting to the cleaner
who doesn't even
want to talk to you.
She's got her own life,
she's not bothered with you.
You look sad, sad, sad, sad.
(Anne retches)
- [Anne] Okay, well, we'll pop
the two of you on the list.
- [Leanne] So glad
you've got a girlfriend.
- [Anne] And you're not alone.
(gentle music)
Looking for an
awesome spaceship
To take me where I need
To go
- [Saira] Oh.
(gentle music)
'Cause if I had an
awesome spaceship
- Mm-mm.
I just might make it
- Whoa, awesome.
Where I need to go
(mystical music)
- Hey, who's there?
(Saira screaming)
(Saira grunting)
(ship beeping)
- Uh-oh.
(ship blasting)
(Saira grunts)
Huh?
Huh?
(tense music)
Oh, no.
(Ship coughing)
- [Ship] Ugh, I thought
I was never gonna get off
planet of the lesbos.
- Who's there?
- It's me, the ship.
You don't wanna know how long
I've been trapped down there,
the things I've seen.
What's your name, sir?
- Saira.
- [Ship] That sounds
like a girl's name.
- I am a girl.
- [Ship] What?
Girls can't be pilots.
- Yeah, this was a mistake,
take me back please.
- Here's what I'll do, I'll
be your temporary ship.
I'll drop you off
at a nail salon
and we'll go our separate ways.
So, Sahara, where are you from?
- Clitopolis.
- Yeah, but like
where are you from?
- The palace?
- No, no, no, where
are you really from?
- Well, my cultural
heritage is half Clitopian,
and half Indian.
- Namaste.
- [Saira] Hey, please turn
around, you don't understand.
I, I've never been
outside of the-
- Oh God, that was
an awful night.
I hope that Shetland
pony survived.
Oh my God, this fucking
song again. (gasps)
See my face, I'm
the Safety Bubble
That stops all the trouble
getting into gay space
Hey daddy.
- [Ship] Huh?
- I am Safety Bubble, fierce
protector of gay space.
They say space is a vacuum,
but nothing sucks like me.
What are you doing?
- [Ship] Oh, let us out of here.
- Why the hell would you
want to go out there?
It's straight, also, it's like
way dangerous or whatever.
Or as they say in German.
(mumbles indistinctly)
- [Ship] Danger is
my middle name, baby.
- Ew, how did you
even get in here?
You can definitely leave.
(Safety Bubble screaming)
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- [Ship] Yes, sweet freedom!
Beautiful, isn't it?
(explosion blasts)
- [Saira] Oh, no.
- [Girlfriend] Babe,
what's for dinner?
- [Boyfriend] Chicken.
(couple screaming)
- [Saira] Oh, no.
- This one's for
my bodacious baby.
Baby girl, let's
go on adventures
Til the day
we're in dentures
And grow old, stay young
I know you're the one
I love you, baby girl.
- It's worse than
I ever imagined.
Approximately 23 hours left
- Okay, okay, now there
are gonna be a lot
of really hot chicks
coming in here soon.
- Yeah.
- And we need to learn
how to charm them
bloody heck out of 'em.
- Mm.
- Now Josh is our expert speaker
for today.
- Hi.
- He was once successful in
getting a woman's number.
Now we don't know what
happened after that.
We called the number
and the line was dead.
I dunno if Josh mistook it down.
- No, phone companies.
- Phone company sort of going,
maybe playing tricky
business, maybe doing-
- Tricky business.
- Maybe tricky business
was going on, some sort of-
- Tricky business.
- Some sort of tricky
business was going on
with the phone companies.
Number didn't work.
- Yeah.
- Obviously, phone companies
playing tricky business.
Still, huge achievement.
And now Josh is gonna come and
he's gonna tell everyone here
what you know about
talking to chicks.
- All right, gents, boys,
thanks for having me.
- [Malien] Josh.
- Show of hands, who
wants to meet a chick?
- Me.
- Hands up if you
don't know the process
of how to go about that,
who wants to walk outta here
today with chicks in hand?
- Ooh.
- [Malien] Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Malien] Fuck yeah.
- Now, take note
boys, all right?
Act like you are listening
and then interject
over the top of it, that
gets the chicks ticking.
Don't let 'em get a word
in edgeways, with me.
- [Maliens] Don't let 'em
get a word in edgeways.
- Let them know how much
Reddit karma you have, as well.
- I have a lot of
opinions on Marvel movies.
Would, would they be
interested in them?
- They'll love that.
- Okay, firstly, if you
want a chick to like you,
you need to connect with them.
Ask questions and listen,
no matter how boring
the answers are.
And secondly, let me go now
and no one will get hurt.
But if you don't, when
I get myself loose,
I will kill every
single one of you.
- What did she say?
- Please take me back,
this was a mistake.
- What, aren't you excited
to get your nails done?
- I don't wanna
get my nails done.
I have to keep
them short, anyway.
- Oh God, well, where can
I drop you then, Pilates?
Supermarket?
Why did you even board me
if you don't want
to go anywhere?
- Well, I thought-
- Come on.
You can't stay with me and
I'm not taking you back.
So pick somewhere, chop chop.
- S Club.
- I can't hear you.
- Do you know
where S Club 17 is?
- The party hub,
now you're talking.
I can't remember how
to get there, though.
Hmm.
I have a good feeling
about this way.
(Saira whimpers)
Such a strong feeling
about this way.
Don't even think about it.
Now, what takes you
to S Club 17, hmm?
- I need to find a way to
summon my royal labrys.
- Whoa, yeah, say no more, I
know that part of the vagina.
- And then I need
to go to the worst,
most dangerous place
in the universe.
(Ship shrieking)
- What, are you mental?
- I don't think people
say that anymore.
- I'll take you to S
Club 17, but no further.
- But my girlfriend is there.
- What the fuck is your
friend doing there?
- She's in trouble and
she's my girlfriend.
- Yeah, like a girl
who's a friend.
- Like, my partner, I'm
literally from Clitopolis.
- Oh, yeah.
- She used to be my
girlfriend, at least.
- Wait, so she's your ex?
- Well, technically yes,
but maybe if I can save her-
- Oh God, this,
this is pathetic.
(upbeat music)
Here I go
Leaving everything I know
Because I would go to
the edge of space for you
Just to hear you
say you love me too
I'm so scared of being alone
Don't wanna end up on my own
Live my whole
life on a throne
Now head into
the great unknown
- Fuck, what am I doing?
Oh, no
Okay, here I go
Here I go
Leaving everything
I know, 'cause I-
- [Ship] Oh, hello!
No one actually goes the
speed limit, poofter.
- You definitely can't
say that anymore.
(tense music)
(ship thumps)
- Oh, what is their problem?
Oh, these guys have been rude.
What do you think you're doing?
- Sorry!
- [Ship] Mutiny, mutiny!
I was distracted, for
not even one second,
and you have gone and couped me.
I am a man, and I have rights.
My old pilots were right, and
you just cannot trust women.
(Ship and Saira screaming)
I'm hurt, I'm hurt, now
what are we gonna do?
We're gonna die out here,
I told you not to drive.
- Sorry.
- [Ship] You are covering
my insurance premiums,
okay, from now on.
- [Saira] Maybe there's
moon crystals on this moon?
- [Ship] Even if there was,
we don't have anyone capable,
brave, or strong
enough to find them.
- Yeah, sorry.
- Sweet, sweet freedom, only
to get stuck somewhere else
shitty.
(gentle music)
- What if I went?
- [Ship] You?
Ugh, yeah right.
- Well, just sitting
here isn't going to help.
How bad could it-
(eerie music)
Be? (gulps)
Oh, thank God.
- It's gone.
- [Saira] Oh.
- If you'd have been
here two years ago.
It's just me, I'm
gonna go over this way.
There's nothing here.
(Saira screams)
Oh, you found a hole.
Ugh, make a friend,
lost a friend.
(Saira cries)
- Huh?
One single moon crystal
Look at it shine
I want that moon crystal
To be mine
Oh, moon crystal
Moon crystal
Oh, moon
Crystal
- Yes.
- So shiny, right?
(tense music)
(Saira screams)
- Please don't hurt me.
- Whoa, do I look like
I'm going to hurt you?
Oh, the goth thing?
Oh, it's just a look, I'm
not going to hurt you.
I thought you could
hear me singing
that moon crystal song.
- What?
Listen, I crashed my ship
and I need this moon crystal.
My girlfriend's, well,
technically ex-girlfriend's
life depends on it.
- My goodness, you've
got a lot on your plate.
Look, I'm just sorry
for scaring you.
- Oh, sorry.
- Why are you sorry?
- I don't know.
(footsteps patter)
- Enough apologies.
(magical music)
I'm so glad you are here.
I came to this moon to
write my solo album,
but I fell down a hole.
- I fell down a hole, too.
- We have so much in common.
I'm Willow.
- I'm Princess
Saira of Clitopolis.
- Whoa, a princess.
Also, I hear that place
is famously hard to find.
- It's actually not, if
you know what you're doing.
- Well, maybe you could
show me the way sometime?
I mean, if we can ever figure
out how to get out of here,
let me tell you, I've
been down here a while
and there's no obvious way out.
- I'm not sure if this will
help, but what if we use that?
(singers vocalising)
- I did not see that.
(Saira grunts)
- Gross, what is this?
- I feel like I should
know what that is.
Weird, it wasn't here before
you broke the crystal.
(ominous music)
- Great, so this is my fault.
(Saira grunts)
- It's okay, look,
these things happen.
Here, let me help you.
- Why is everything
always so hard?
(Saira grunts)
- You are so emo.
I love it!
- Why did I think a reject
like me could do anything?
(Saira grunts)
- Hey, hey, it's gonna be okay.
- Why is it not targeting you?
- I don't know.
Wow, I'm really
grateful for that.
- You're like,
annoyingly positive.
(Willow laughs)
- Thanks for saying that.
- Wait, maybe it's responding
to me being negative
about myself.
Gloom goo, do-do-do-do
Gloom goo, do-do-do-do
If you give it bad vibes
It will eat you alive
Sorry, I remember now, we
sang a song about this.
It's this incredibly
dangerous sentient goo
that feeds on bad vibes.
- So I should just say something
positive about myself, right?
- Great idea.
Come on, quick.
- I,
I don't know.
- You don't know?
Saira?
Saira!
(ominous music)
Really good at holding
a conversation,
and I can write a song
about basically anything.
I did a great job coordinating
my spikes and chains today,
I have the voice of an
angel, my eyebrows are great,
and also my guitar,
my public speaking
has never been better.
I'm ambitious, and I'm brave.
And if I was a Pokemon,
I'd be a freaking
Pikachu, I'm that cute.
(playful music)
(Saira grunts)
(Saira grunts)
- [Saira] No, the crystal.
- [Willow] Just
forget it, keep going.
- Stupid, stupid, stupid,
I needed that crystal.
I couldn't do it.
- [Willow] Stop,
you're encouraging it.
It's gonna blow!
- [Ship] What did you do?
- I'm sorry.
- [Ship] Please tell me
you've got the moon crystal.
- Yes.
- [Ship] Oh, that's a relief.
- But then I lost it.
- [Ship] I knew you
couldn't do it, you idiot!
Now we're completely fucked!
- Oh man, it's a shame
we can't use that one.
(goo blasting)
Where to next?
I'm driving.
- [Ship] Where the
fuck did she come from?
- [Willow] They.
- [Ship] There's more than one?
Approximately 18
hours left before
Kiki dies
- Okay, so just remember when
your permanent is tapped,
you can't tap that card again
until it's been untapped.
- And only when
your turn begins.
When your turn begins, then
you can untap your tap cards
so they can be used again.
Do you understand?
(Kiki pants)
- Oh, and there are
different phases
each with their
own set of rules.
So the beginning phase rules-
- Please, stop,
if you don't stop,
I'm going to make
you stop, I mean it.
I really am going to get
myself loose any minute now.
- Why can't you chicks
ever like what we like?
Now about the beginning phase.
- Ooh, yes, the beginning phase.
(Kiki sobbing)
- Wait, so you need this
labrys thing to save Kiki,
and your only hope is
that this Blade person
that you found on
the future net,
and know nothing about,
will be able to help?
- Yeah, I know, it's-
- Such a good plan.
- [Ship] Is it, though?
Hey, be careful, go
straight, go straight.
- Typical.
I'll have you know,
I'm actually bisexual.
- [Ship] Are bisexuals
really a thing?
- Where did you find this
thing, the 21st century?
- Yeah, that is where I'm from.
- [Both] Oh.
- Hey, thanks for
saving me back there.
- Oh, no, thank you,
that was a thrill.
Besides, I might not have
found that ladder without you.
I'm not super observant.
Or book smart or street smart.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Why?
It's not a bad thing, I'm
just smart in other ways.
Like I'm super creative.
- That's right,
you're a songwriter?
- Trying to be, you see...
- [Ship] Oh, oh, oh,
you better not sing it.
(guitar strums)
(gentle music)
I was in a gay pop band
We were in high demand
We'd dance and
sing and dance
Our life great, at a glance
But really, we were
prisoners of gay pop
Forced to dance
and sing nonstop
But somehow to me,
it all felt wrong
I dreamed to write
not shared songs
So I decided I
would break free
Become the songwriter
I always wanted to be
Hmm
- Wow.
- [Ship] Fuck my life.
- They never used to let
me play my own songs.
They said they were too
indie.
Now, I finally get to
figure out my own music
separate from the group.
I thought I'd be able to
write songs on the moon,
but let me tell you, there
was not a lot to write about.
But I'm hoping hanging with
you will inspire some songs.
I mean, an inter galactic
space quest to save your ex?
Oh, wow.
- Oh, I'm actually
really boring.
- I don't think you are.
(romantic music)
- [Ship] No, I think
she is, she really is.
- Look, I love the emo vibe,
but you must have something
positive to say about
yourself, right?
What's something you're good at?
- Well, I'm not bad at magic.
- That's so cool, I'd
love to see a trick.
- No, you wouldn't.
- Ah, yeah, I would-
- Pick a card.
- Ooh.
- [Saira] Okay.
So we're going to use your
card, the ace of hearts,
and put it in the
middle of the deck.
- Yeah.
- [Saira] Because it's one
of the only cards that
acts like a helium balloon.
If I push it the whole way in.
- [Willow] Uh-huh.
- [Saira] Like this,
and snap my fingers. (snaps)
Did you see it come
back to the top?
- What the freak?
- We'll do it again,
we'll take it.
We'll put it in the
middle like that,
now if I don't snap my fingers,
the card doesn't
come to the top.
But if I either snap or
cover it just for a second
did you see it come
back to the top?
- Oh my God!
- We'll try this one more time,
I'll take it just like this.
In fact, I might use
your hand for this.
(Willow panting)
You can press it, the whole
way in, into the middle.
(Willow yelps)
Here we go.
Oh.
Huh?
- What did, how,
wait, oh my God!
That's so cool,
you're really good.
- No one's ever stayed
for a whole trick before.
- Well, they're missing out.
(romantic music)
- What do you guys think
about the sex scene
in "Blue is the Warmest Colour?"
(gentle music)
I fell down a hole
And so did you
What a silly thing
For us to do
But we made it out somehow
Take a look at us right now
Oh, Saira and me
Zooming through the gay-laxy
There's nowhere
I'd rather be
(Willow vocalising)
Oh, Saira and me, zooming
through the gay-laxy
Something, something
different lyrics
(Saira laughs)
I'm figuring that one out.
(gentle music continues)
(upbeat music)
(people cheering)
All right here,
we are, S Club 17.
This is where that
lady who can help you
find your laprys will be.
- You mean, we have
to go in there?
(partygoer sniffing)
- Yeah.
- Not looking like
this, we won't.
It's montage time, baby!
- What?
Yeah, I'm in your city,
getting busy for my people
- Oh, I'm good with
what I've got on.
- Come on, you can't
go in there like that.
- But Kiki gave this to me.
- Seriously?
What's so great about this Kiki?
- Well,
she's just like,
really
fucking hot.
(Willow laughs)
- Wait, is that seriously it?
- It's just, there's only
one Kiki the Destroyer.
No one ever gave me a
chance, but she did.
And being with her was
like getting the keys
to this better life.
Without her, I'm like, nothing.
- You know, that's
kind of how I felt
after I left the group.
But you know what
made me feel better?
A makeover!
Come on, it's time to
make you fucking hot, too.
Not that you aren't already,
I mean, that came out wrong.
Feeling buzzy,
feeling cheeky
I don't need you,
but you need me
- Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh, mm-hmm.
(singer vocalising)
(Willow mimics sad trombone)
(singer vocalising)
(Saira yelps)
- [Willow] Sorry!
- Willow?
- Sorry, sorry.
(singer vocalising)
Acting like Madonna
- Bow-wow! (barking)
(singer vocalising)
Uh, uh, uh, uh
- It's perfect.
(uplifting music)
- What did you do?
Take off-
- I took off the jumper.
(Willow whimpers)
(uplifting music continues)
- Okay, I'll beam you over now.
Do you remember how to get back?
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
- [Ship] You sound unsure.
Okay, let me explain again.
- Thanks so much, but
I think we got it,
the first three
times you told us.
- Oh, you say that now.
But it can be pretty easy to
get confused and mixed up,
especially if you're a
lady, or whatever you are.
And you know, not
used to tech stuff.
- [Willow] Honestly,
I reckon we got this.
- Just one more time.
What you need to do is get
up the remote beam tracker
and press the beam button.
Oh, fuck my life.
(upbeat music)
- Thank God!
He just kept
talking and talking.
- I can't believe I did that.
- I love this place.
- Oh, God.
Lost my shit
- I'm Blade, this is my club.
- Oh man, it's gonna
be hard finding Blade.
- That was easy.
- Okay, what's the plan.
- Should we go up and say hi?
- But how will we get
into the air vent?
- What if she actually
doesn't want to help?
- Genius, okay, you
go find a screwdriver,
and I'll get the pineapple.
- You're right, we can do
this if we're together.
(person speaks indistinctly)
- [Bouncer] This is VIP.
- Willow?
(outline beeps)
PRN, 'cause I've
lost my shit
Give me a PRN, 'cause
I've lost my shit
Give me a PRN, 'cause
I've lost my shit
Give me a PRN
(water trickling)
- [Monster] Willow ditched you.
Your plans are stupid.
Blade doesn't wanna help you.
You will always be broken.
You should just give up.
- We need to talk
about Ryan. (crying)
I swear he's cheating
on me with Stephanie,
and he is totally
gaslighting me.
Like, why would he post
all those selfies with her,
and what, you know, what
is, if that's just the vibe,
but like, don't
tell me I'm crazy.
That's how things ended
the last time. (sobbing)
So like I'm, (hiccups)
I'm not crazy, right?
Right?
- What?
- Thanks for agreeing.
So yeah, he just always
puts himself before me,
and makes me feel like
a loser. (sobbing)
- You shouldn't let him
make you feel so terrible.
Why do you let him do that?
- He's just, like,
really fucking hot.
I just, I can't
believe he likes me.
- Surely there's lots to love?
- Well, I do listen a
lot when he's talking
to me about his video game.
I don't even, I don't know
what's going on in there,
but he seems really excited.
So he's telling me about AK-47.
I don't know what that is,
but it makes him happy.
And I'm really good
at shoplifting.
- It sounds like this Ryan
doesn't appreciate
how great you are.
- Oh my God, you're right.
Thanks, babes, I needed
to hear that. (laughs)
It's wild to think I
won't remember any of this
in the morning and we'll never
see each other ever again.
You know what?
You're right, screw
him, I'm great.
You're like the wisest, coolest,
prettiest person I've ever met.
You fucking rock, girl.
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey
(person speaks indistinctly)
- Hey, Blade, I need to
speak to you, please?
- What?
- I said, I need to
speak to you, please.
- What?
- I said-
- I'll come down.
(throne beeping)
Coming down.
Fucking, fucking. (indistinct)
(throne beeping)
Well, hello.
- Hi.
How's it going?
I'm Princess Saira from-
- I know who you are.
- Ah, cool, yeah,
yeah, well, yeah.
I saw on the future net
that you might be able
to help me summon
my royal labrys?
- You think you can
just come into my club,
march into the VIP area, make
me come down from my throne,
and expect me to just help
you summon your labrys?
If that's what you
think, you would be
absolutely right. (laughs)
I am so excited you're here.
Princess Saira, it
would be my honour
to help you out, darling.
- Oh, oh my God, really?
Thank you.
- Get up, you
little sweaty bitch.
You know, we're actually not
so different, Princess Saira.
- Really?
- I mean, my parents
aren't queens or anything,
but they are renowned
psychologists, and ooh girl,
when people talked
shit about me, (laughs)
I tried for the
longest time to fit in,
and be the psychological
professional my
parents wished for.
But I realised if there's no
room for you to be yourself,
fuck it, go and make
it yourself, girl.
I finally followed
my real passion.
- Drag?
- Weapons.
They love the drag, but
the weapons, they said,
"Blade, your behaviour
is very concerning."
But like, don't
call your kid Blade
and expect them not to
be into blades, right?
Speaking of blades, your labrys.
I'll tell you what's
causing you trouble.
As with all
metaphysical weapons,
the key to unlocking your
labrys is a mental one.
The wiring is all there.
You just need to make
the right connections.
- So, I'm not broken?
- Not at all, and
luckily, I happen to know
a thing or two about psychology.
Now let mama help you find
your labrys, you ready?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, close your eyes.
- This is safe, right?
(Blade laughs)
- Of course, we're
only meditating.
I want you to take
a deep breath in.
(Saira inhales)
And out.
(Saira exhales)
(gentle music)
Now babes, it might feel like
you're not in control
of your own mind,
but just a conscious
is actually trying
to protect you in a
roundabout kind of way,
and a saboteur, all that shit.
But it's only as powerful
as you let it be.
Now look around at
your surroundings,
what do you notice?
Reach out and touch the door.
Feel the handle,
feel its smoothness.
- [Monster] This won't work.
- [Blade] Remember,
you're the boss.
Breathe in.
(Saira inhales)
And out.
(Saira exhales)
At your own pace, hold the
handle firmly and pull.
(ominous music)
(Saira exhales)
(Saira whimpers)
- Wait, Saira, I wanna
hang out with you.
Just kidding, I ditched
you because you-
- Bore me.
Bore me, bore me.
Bore me.
You bore me.
(labrys droning)
(footsteps pattering)
(ominous music continues)
- [Person] Why do
we keep trying?
- [Kiki] Boring.
- [Saira] Huh?
Can't you just stay
here with me today?
- [Leanne] We can't,
we'll be late for our
royal orgy, sweetie.
- [Saira] Can I show
you my magic show now?
- [Anne] Not now, Saira,
we're gonna be late
for our own burlesque show,
much cooler than magic.
- [Leanne] You should
do burlesque instead.
- [Saira] I'm 10.
Wanna come over
after school, maybe?
- [Friend] Will the
queens be there?
- [Saira] No, they're away.
- [Friend] Sorry, I can't.
(sombre music)
- [Anne] What did we do
wrong, it can't be us.
- [Leanne] Waste of space.
(sombre music continues)
(person speaking indistinctly)
- [Person] Something
wrong with her.
(footsteps patter)
(person speaking indistinctly)
- [Anne] Happened
the first try, right?
- [Moms] You can't have it.
- But it's mine.
- [Moms] You're not
good enough for it.
- Yes, I am.
(Saira yells)
(gentle music)
(chains rattling)
(singer vocalising)
(Saira panting)
(magical music)
(singers vocalising)
Yes, finally, yes, yes, yes.
- Yoink.
- Yes?
- I'll take that.
- Huh?
(Blade cackling)
- Finally, a labrys is
mine, all mine. (cackling)
I can't believe you fell for
it, you basic little bitch.
- Wait, I thought you
wanted to help me.
- Nah.
I can't believe you
didn't see that.
- But I need it.
- Not when you're dead. (laughs)
Time to christen
this beautiful blade.
(Saira grunts)
(intense music)
(Blade cackling)
(Willow yells)
- Whoopsies, finally found you.
Sorry I took so long, it took
me ages to find the pineapple.
What's it for?
- What?
- Oh, hey, you found
the labrys thing.
(Willow grunts)
(Blade yells)
- Okay, so Blade is not cool.
- Yeah, she's trying
to steal my labrys.
- Oh, hell no.
- What are you gonna do, fight
me with a pineapple? (laughs)
- Oh, it all makes sense now.
(Saira laughs)
(Blade grunts)
- [Blade] Ow, what the fuck?
(Willow laughs)
- Willow!
(Blade grunting)
(Saira grunts)
(Saira grunts)
- Ha, have you ever
used an axe before?
(metal clinking)
(Saira yells)
Ha, even with that
beautiful weapon,
you can't defend yourself
against a pineapple.
You're a joke.
(Saira panting)
No, what are you doing to it?
- No.
- Fuck, you bitch. (crying)
(Saira yells)
Yeah, that's how
you use it. (coughs)
- Now who's a joke,
you bitch? (crying)
(ship beeps)
- Hey.
Welcome back.
- Is she okay, is she awake?
- Yes, she's okay, you
can stop freaking out now.
- I wasn't freaking out,
you were, I don't care.
- I beamed us back here
after you decapitated
that Blade lady.
You are such a badass. (purrs)
- Wait, where's my-
- Hey, hey, hey.
Shh, shh, it's okay, it's okay.
It's here.
- What?
No, where's my labrys?
- Oh, that, yeah,
that's here too.
(Saira pants)
- I really was pretty
badass back there.
- Yeah, I have a
huge crush on you.
Wait, did I say that out loud?
- [Ship and Saira] Yes.
- It's just...
- Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, that got you.
Oh, Saira, I've
got a crush on you
Oh, Saira, I've got
a crush, it's true
And it's on you
My crush is on you
Specifically, you, Saira
That song was about you.
- I got that.
- [Ship] Ooh, yeah.
Called it.
- That's been there
this whole time?
- Yep, it's been in
front of you all along.
- We're not talking
about the button, are we?
- No, I'm talking about the
button, I saw it ages ago.
- Oh.
- [Ship] How can
you even have sex?
- Now that he's gone.
Oh, Saira, I've
got a crush on you
Oh, Saira, I've got
a crush, it's true
And it's on you
Woof woof.
My crush is on you
Specifically, you, Saira
Are yours hands magic?
Approximately
five hours before
Kiki dies in a vat
of toxic home brew
- Hello there, lady at bar.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Well, what, do, I
like your dress.
- Thank you.
- I wore a nice
shirt to this bar.
- It's making me horny.
(Larry laughs)
- Perch hands.
- Drink, drink, ask about
a drink, ask about a drink.
- I'm thirsty.
- Oh, are you thirsty?
- Yeah.
- She gave you the leading,
just go for it, man.
Just go for it, just
be yourself, bro.
- Can I get you with my
money, a drink for you?
- Oh yes, please.
- Close the deal,
close the deal.
- Now that I have purchased
you a drink, you owe me sex?
- Yes.
- Yes, correct.
(Kiki cackling)
- Hey, don't be so mean,
this is a safe space.
- What's so funny?
- It's just like,
I don't get why this
is so hard for you.
- Oh, wow, so predictable,
from the lady of
colour who's a lesbian.
I'm really shocked,
lesbian of colour.
The whole universe is built
around you, lesbian of colour.
- Here's something that I
guarantee you did not know.
Did you know that crash
test dummies are built
around the average size
and proportions of a woman?
What if we get into a crash?
- And look at this phone.
They make these for chicks.
How am I supposed to use this
tiny phone with my huge hands?
It's a tiny fucking lesbian
phone, fuck you lesbian phone!
- We gotta be confident.
We gotta be too-
- But not too-
- But not too confident.
- Don't be too confident.
Don't be too confident.
- We gotta be beautiful.
- But not too beautiful.
- But not too beautiful.
- Can't be too beautiful.
Can't look too good.
- You gotta have nice shoe,
you gotta, everything you do,
everything you do, I gotta
do backwards in flat shoes.
Do you understand?
You've got the support of heels.
I just, it is hard for us, too,
and I just think sometimes.
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
- So, no, I'm sorry, I'm just...
- Oh.
- I know.
No, he does this.
- We can't win.
- He's just upset.
- I'm not, I'm not upset,
I, these are angry tears.
I'm so angry I'm crying.
- Ugh, you should
just stop complaining.
Screw this, my life is
hard too, that's it.
I'm really doing it this time,
I'm getting myself loose.
(Kiki yells)
(playful music)
(Maliens gasp)
(Kiki grunting)
(Maliens gasp)
Yeah!
- No, no, no, no.
(Kiki laughs)
(Maliens gasp)
- Oh.
(Kiki groans)
I think it's time you realise
who has the power here.
Kill the lesbian!
- To be or not to be.
That is the question.
Oh, God, oh, this
is the most painful
and horrible death anyone
could ever experience!
Oh God, why me,
why, why? (gurgling)
- Bro, I said kill the
lesbian, not the thespian.
What the heck, bro.
- You can hear they sound-
- [Malien] Yes.
- The same.
- [Malien] I understand.
- I mean, I know this
isn't my argument,
but I'm pretty sure
you said thespian.
- I don't think I did.
When I say kill the lesbian,
I'm talking about,
quite specifically, her.
And you know that, you
do this, you team up and-
- You said thespian.
- [Malien] You pick on me.
Fucking, I swear to
God I didn't, and if
I did, I apologise.
- Now, who's the lesbian, hey?
- What, no.
- [Larry] That
doesn't make sense.
- No, no, no, no, no, do, what?
Do you know what a lesbian,
do you know what a lesbian is?
- Yes.
- [Malien] What.
- They're, they get on stage.
- [Malien] That's a thespian.
- And, and, and date
someone of the same sex.
- [Larry and Malien]
That's a lesbian thespian.
- It's a lesbian.
- No, no, it's a
lesbian thespian.
- Just kill the lesbian,
just kill the lesbian.
- Every lesbian in "The L
Word" was also a thespian.
- Yes, that's fair, you
cannot argue with that.
- No, and I never
would, either way,
we're getting off topic.
- [Larry] Mm.
- And I would like to kill
the lesbian, we gotta-
- We already killed her.
- No, we killed the thespian,
you killed the thespian, the-
- Yes, and that's
what you wanted.
- I thought you said thespian.
- No.
No, shut up, stop talking now.
All right, now.
Kill the lesbian.
(Kiki groans)
- Wait, wait, wait, I'm
sorry, you're right.
Women like me suck, we
take up too much space.
- Ah, no, no, no,
no, no, too late.
I am sick of you
always patronising us.
- But you need me, mm-hmm.
Saira's not gonna give you
the labrys for nothing.
Do you really want to
invite a lesbian with one
of the most powerful weapons
in the universe to your cave,
and then tell them you've just
killed the person they love?
(Maliens gulp)
- Well, if she
loves you so much,
what is taking her so long?
- Just let me talk to her.
I promise I can get her here.
- Fine, but you better
hope she's close by.
I am done waiting.
Button!
(timer buzzes)
(phone ringing)
New time limit,
princess, one hour.
- What?
- You can thank big
mouth over here for that
and all the mean things
she's been saying.
About me and my friends.
- Saira, wait, where are you?
Is that sex hair,
who the fuck is that?
- Hey, I'm Willow,
Saira's new partner.
- What, no, they're no one.
- [Willow] Oh.
- Wait, I didn't
mean that, I'm sorry.
- [Kiki] Are you serious?
- I mean, I'm sorry,
they're no one.
- [Willow] Oh.
- I mean, I don't
know, I'm confused.
I'm just,
sorry.
- No, Saira, I'm sorry.
I can see now, I screwed things
up, I never appreciated you.
But Saira, you are the only one
who can bring your royal
labrys and save me.
Now, but now I've lost you,
and now I'm going die. (cries)
- No.
- That's not true, I'll
come, of course I'll come.
- You have one hour.
- Kiki!
(Kiki screams)
(Saira panting)
- Willow, I'm sorry.
- It's okay, if Kiki
means this much to you,
we can open this
relationship up.
- No, Willow, I think maybe
you and I should
just be friends.
- You're friend zoning me?
I hid the body for you,
not the head, though.
I figured they'll
never figure out
who it belongs to
without the body.
You know, I don't
even like murder.
I just wanted you to like me.
- I do really like you.
I think you're the first
proper friend I've ever had.
I got a bit caught up in that.
Now I've messed it up.
- I just need some time.
And I'm taking this, you
owe me that at least.
- It's yours.
- Don't let them see you cry.
I definitely have some
inspiration for my album now.
- I'm sorry.
I really hope we can be friends.
- Fuck you, Saira.
(sombre music)
(Saira crying)
I met her on a moon
She was still
amid some gloom
So she took me
on a wild ride
Did some fucked up shit,
but we fell to life
Oh, Saira, there she goes
Will she save
Kiki, no one knows
Oh, Saira, there she goes
Will she save
Kiki, no one knows
She's travelling
the gay-laxy
I kind of wish it was for me
But something's just
aren't meant to be
- Finally, how was it?
Wait, where's the other one?
What happened?
Did she, they dump you, too?
- I kind of dumped them.
- Why would you do that?
They seem to genuinely like
your boring personality
and magic tricks.
- Because I've gotta save Kiki.
- [Ship] Oh man, you
still wanna do that?
- I, I can't just abandon her.
Listen, I know you didn't
wanna come this far,
but she needs me.
Is it okay if I drive
us to the worst,
most dangerous place
in the universe?
(Ship cries)
- No pilots ever asked me if
I'm okay with something before.
Honestly, they were
a bit mean. (crying)
- Well, what do you say,
wanna stick with me?
- I mean, we've come
this far. (crying)
Sorry, you really hit a nerve.
Yeah, whatever, let's go.
One, two, three, four
Saira, there she goes
Will she save
Kiki, no one knows
Whoa, Saira, there she goes
Will she save
Kiki, no one knows
Yeah, I wrote my song down
Woo
- [Ship] Hold on.
That's the worst, most
dangerous place in the universe?
- Yeah, apparently this is it.
- [Ship] Do you
know what this is?
It's like one, one of those
world's best cup of coffee
bullshit slogan things.
It's like, "Oh yes,
that shitty little cafe
has the world's
best cup of coffee."
- Ship.
- [Ship] What?
(intense music)
- [Ship] Oh, God.
- Hey.
I'm so happy.
(meteor blasts)
(intense music)
- It shot us!
- Right in the face.
I'm sorry I took you here,
you should take us back.
- Don't you dare.
You are not the same
shy, sad, pathetic,
boring, miserable princess you
were when you hopped aboard.
My generous wisdom and
guidance has helped shape you
into the strong lady warrior
sitting here right now.
So what are you
gonna do, Sangria?
- I know what to do.
(intense music)
Okay, mama's driving
now. (grunting)
(intense music continues)
(Saira yells)
- Ow, fuck.
(robot growls)
(beam blasts)
It's really on me.
- Shit, this isn't
working. (gasps)
I think I've got an idea.
- I trust you.
(Saira yelling)
- [Ship] Take it back, I take
it back, I don't trust you!
(lasers zapping)
(intense music)
(singers vocalising)
(ship blasts)
(penis gasps)
(ship beeping)
(singers vocalising)
(explosion booms)
(Ship and Saira yelling)
(bird squawking)
(Ship coughing)
- Oh, that does not sound good.
- What, me?
I feel great.
(wheel clanks)
Get outta here, go save
your stupid ex-girlfriend.
(intense music)
Oh, and I guess,
be careful, okay?
- Hey.
Thanks for being
an ally back there.
- [Ship] Ew, what?
I'm not gay.
(timer beeps)
(Kiki gulps)
(dramatic music)
- [Malien] Boys, I
miss the thespian.
- Hey.
- [Malien] What?
- [Malien] Oh, you
shouldn't have-
- I've got the labrys.
- Shouldn't have
killed the thespian.
- I miss that thespian.
- [Larry] Shouldn't have
killed the thespian.
- Putting on plays and stuff.
- [Larry] Why'd you tell
him to kill the thespian?
- I said, hey, I've
got the labrys.
- I remember specifically.
- I fucking didn't.
They did my favourite one
man show of "Book of Mormon."
- [Malien] Yeah.
(Malien gasps)
- Our labrys is here!
- [Maliens] Oh.
- Our labrys is here!
Gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme. (grunts)
- Oh.
(Maliens cheering)
Now, let Kiki go.
- Oh, gladly, terrible deal for
you if you ask me, take her.
Get her outta here,
look at the labrys.
(magical music)
- Hey.
- You saved me.
I'm free! (laughing)
I'm finally free.
Oh God, I thought I
was gonna die, whew.
- You know, if we
hurry, we could still go
to the Lesbian Ball together.
- Yeah, I don't think so.
- [Malien] Ooh, rough.
- But I came all
this way for you.
- Yeah, well, you kind
of got me into this mess.
- But you said that
maybe if I was different.
- Listen, I'm so
grateful you saved me.
I'm genuinely impressed
you made it here.
- Mm-hmm.
- But I don't owe you
anything, nothing's changed.
- But I have.
- Ugh, again, with the crying.
Look, I really don't
want to be mean,
but it never really made sense
that I was with you
in the first place.
You know what I mean?
- What's happening to it?
- [Maliens] Fuck!
- What the hell,
princess, we had a deal!
(Saira yelps)
I'm upset, fuck!
- [Malien] Fuck!
- [Malien] Fuck!
(sombre music)
(Kiki sighs)
(Saira whimpers)
- Huh?
Huh.
(intense music)
- [Monster] I knew you
couldn't ignore me for long.
You haven't changed at all.
Get it into your thick head.
You are not good
enough for Kiki.
Without her, you're nothing.
- That's not true.
- [Monster] Yes, it is.
Even your own moms
don't like you.
- Just stop it,
stop criticising me.
- [Maliens] What the fuck?
- [Monster] You
disappoint everyone.
I'm just telling you how it is.
- Are you?
Maybe my moms are
just bad parents.
Maybe Kiki is actually
a narcissistic asshole,
and I deserve better.
I'm not always the problem.
- [Monster] Yes you are.
- I don't think so.
- [Monster] You're a boring
little wimp, and you know it.
- Ah, shut the fuck
up. (screaming)
(explosion blasts)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music continues)
Ooh
Lesbian
Ooh
- Oh, good and great, you got
it back, now hand it over.
- No.
- What?
- [Maliens] What?
- What?
- But you said we could have it
if we gave you the mean lady.
- You can't have a lesbian
and a lesbian thing.
- That's too many-
- What?
- Things,
'Cause we don't have any-
- [Maliens] What?
- What?
(Malien screams)
- I'm crying. (screams)
- No, you're not.
- Aren't I?
- No.
- [Malien] We had a deal!
- [Saira] Yeah, well,
sometimes things don't work out
how you want them to.
- Oh, well we know
that all too well.
(dramatic music)
- [Josh] Give it
back, it's ours!
(Josh laughs)
- Actually, it's mine.
- Oh, oh.
(Josh screaming)
- Why do you even need it?
- Well, because if we
don't have your labrys
to power our chick magnet, then
we'll never get hot chicks.
- And we'll be losers forever.
- Wait, that's seriously
why you want it?
- We don't exactly have chicks
knocking down our door.
- No.
- I leave my door open,
and they still
don't come through.
- Yeah, but all the chick
magnets in the world
won't help you.
I went through all of this.
And why, 'cause I
wanted Kiki to love me?
But now I see my biggest problem
was that I didn't
even love myself.
We deserve to love ourselves
without a chick magnet
or a hot as fuck girlfriend.
(angelic music)
- Wow, I mean, no,
you're full of shit.
Get her, boys!
(dramatic music)
(Malien laughing)
- [Magnet] Incoming
chicks, incoming chicks.
Incoming chicks, incoming
chicks, incoming chicks.
(chick screaming)
(blood trickling)
(labrys clatters)
(Larry clears throat)
- Wait, guys, I, I just
had a random thought.
All the chick magnets in
the world won't help us.
We went through all
of this, and why?
Because we wanted
chicks to love us.
But now I see our
biggest problem
is that we don't
even love ourselves.
- [Maliens] Oh.
- We deserve to love ourselves
without a chick magnet,
or a hot as fuck girlfriend.
- Wow, that was beautiful, bro.
- I'm proud of you, man.
- You are so smart.
- [Larry] Thank you.
- God, you all
deserve one another.
Shame you can't just
date each other.
- I mean, we would have the
best time, like all the time.
- Yeah, and well,
I guess they do say
you should date
your best friends.
- [Malien] Yeah.
- Yeah, they do say that.
And I hear, I hear sexuality
is a bit of a spectrum.
- [Malien] It is.
- [Malien] Can be.
It is a spectrum.
- You know what I mean?
- [Malien] It is, it's a whole-
- Yeah.
- [Malien] It's
a whole spectrum.
- Yeah.
- [Josh] So, you know.
- Yeah, yeah.
- [Josh] Put it out.
We would have the best time.
- Oh. (stammers)
(kiss smacking)
(romantic music)
- Hmm, oh, yeah.
(kiss smacks)
(kisses smack)
(kisses smack)
- [Malien] Just, Larry.
- [Larry] Yeah.
- [Malien] Just come over
here for a second, yeah.
(kisses smack)
- [Larry] Okay, just a little.
- [Josh] Oh, yeah.
- [Malien] Can I
just have a soft one?
- [Josh] Oh.
(kisses smack)
- [Malien] Can you do
the rough stuff with me?
- [Josh] Come here, you.
(Kiki grunting)
- Let me in.
- [Ship] I told you we're not
going anywhere without Saira.
- What are you doing?
- Saira?
Oh, thank God you're
okay. (laughs)
Mind if I
bum a lift?
- Yeah, I just don't think
that would really make sense.
You know what I mean?
- Oh, come on, are you
seriously mad at me?
- Yeah.
- Fair.
- [Saira] You're looking better.
- [Ship] Yeah, it
was mostly just cum.
(ship humming)
- Oh, fuck, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit.
- [Ship] We don't wanna
ever see you again.
- [Saira] Oh, you
can have this back.
- I've never been
more attracted to you.
- [Ship] Where to now, Sasha?
- Back to Clitopolis.
- [Ship] No.
- Also, just as a
heads up, it's Saira.
- [Ship] Oh my God.
Have I been saying it
wrong the whole time?
That is so embarrassing.
I am so sorry, Saiyeera.
- [Saira] Saira.
- [Ship] That's what I'm saying.
- [Saira] No, listen
to what I'm saying.
Are you seriously
friendzoning me
You can't be seriously
friendzoning me
Say you don't
even wanna be poly
I can't believe this,
you're friendzoning me
(upbeat music)
You were my desire
My heart was up higher
But you burned
it down like fire
Oh, you better
watch out for Saira
Yeah, you better
watch out for Saira
Well, you better
watch out for Saira
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey
Oh no
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey
Oh no
Just because you
(singer vocalising)
Doesn't mean I owe you shit
Just because you
shot your shot
Doesn't mean that you get it
This isn't a transaction
Your kind of satisfaction
Doesn't buy you a fuck,
I don't owe you shit
Not in the friendzone
Oh no
Don't believe it, asshole,
you're not a nice guy
You don't get to
(singer vocalising)
Just because you
pretend to care
Doesn't mean I drop my pants
This isn't a transaction
Your kind of satisfaction
Doesn't buy you a fuck,
I don't owe you shit
Not in the friendzone
Oh no
Don't believe it, asshole,
you're not a nice guy
Not in the friendzone
Oh no
Don't believe it, asshole,
you're not a nice guy
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey
Oh no
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey
Oh no
One, two, three, four
Saira, there she goes
Will she save
Kiki, no one knows
There she goes, oh,
Saira, there she goes
Will she save
Kiki, no one knows
Yeah, wrote my song down
Woo
(gentle music)
(gentle music continues)
- Kiki, I made you
this scrapbook,
which I know is a bit weird,
but it all means
nothing without you,
because you are my everything.
It's like my life
only started that day
you rode into Clitopolis
for that bounty hunting job.
I didn't exactly have girls
knocking down my door,
before you did.
Kind of hard when everyone's
obsessed with my moms,
the great Leanne and Anne,
the lives of the party.
And I'm just there, too.
The most boring royal in
the history of Clitopolis,
as voted by the people.
That was a tough day.
But look at me now!
No one ever thought they'd
see the day Princess Saira
would have a hot
as fuck partner.
I can't be exiled
to the singles zone
this year's Lesbian Ball.
I know we're a bit
of an odd match,
like you love travelling,
and danger, and partying,
and I'm scared to go
anywhere, and of everything,
and I'd rather stay home
and work on my magic tricks.
But you know what they say?
Opposites attract.
You complete me.
And I know in my heart
we'll be together forever
and ever,
and ever.
- You're dumped.
- Fuck.
(gentle music continues)
She's a lesbian
She's in space
And she's also a princess
Oh, and she's very sad.
(Saira crying)
- Look, maybe if
things were different
and you were a different person
and I was a different person,
maybe this could
have worked for me.
But you're you,
and I'm me.
- [Saira] I'm sorry.
- Please stop crying.
- I literally can't.
- Hey, it's okay,
you'll be all right.
You are really good
with your hands.
(Kiki moaning)
Oh my God, oh. (moaning)
(Kiki moaning)
Oh, you're so good at that.
- It's my sleight of hand.
- You're smothering me.
We've only been
dating like two weeks,
and you made this
terrifying book.
(book clanks)
- No.
- I just thought dating a
space princess would be more,
ah, fun.
I don't wanna Gayflix
and chill every night.
- I'm sorry.
- And the "Sorry"s
always with the "Sorry"s.
- Sorry, oh, sorry
for being sorry.
(Kiki grunts)
Can we at least still go to
the Lesbian Ball together?
- Absolutely not, I
need to get outta here.
Goodbye forever.
(mimics explosion)
Pretend you saw a smoke
bomb and I'm gone.
(Saira sniffling)
(gentle music)
Wait, Saira.
- Yeah?
- You're wearing my jumper.
- Oh. (crying)
(gentle music)
(Kiki sighs)
- Oh man, fuck,
that's my jumper, too.
- Mm-hmm. (crying)
- Ugh, you know what?
Keep it, it can be
your birthday present.
- [Moms] Yay!
- I will never
take it off.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I gotta get the
hell outta here, I'm sorry.
Fuck, ugh, it's contagious,
goodbye forever.
I'll miss you so much.
(moms crying)
Oh, and of course I'll
miss you, too, Royal Pussy.
(upbeat music)
You always bring the party.
This hurts me more
than it hurts you.
- Honestly, I can't believe
it lasted that long.
- [Moms] We told you the
scrapbook was too much.
(upbeat percussive music)
- Okay, so that start
was pretty shit house.
- But welcome to...
(Anne humming)
That's a cool drum roll.
- [Moms] Our birthday party!
(audience cheers)
For Saira.
- [Audience Member] Oh.
(lights buzzing)
(person coughing)
- We can't believe
she's 22 today.
- 23.
- We can't believe she's
23 today. (sniffles)
- Which means it's
that time of the year
where we see if she can finally
summon her royal labrys.
- [Audience Member]
Think she'll fail again?
- [Audience Member]
Is the sky rainbow?
(hawk shrieks)
- For thousands of years,
the Clitopian royal
bloodline has been born
with the ability to
summon one of the most
powerful weapons known
to l-l-lesbian kind.
- [Moms] The labrys.
- Let us now turn to the
ancient scriptures of Wikipedia.
This all began back
on Earth, it says...
- [Leanne] "In the 1970s,
the labrys was adopted
by the lesbian community
as a feminist symbol
representing strength
and self-sufficiency."
- [Anne] The summonings
happened first try for us.
But you know what they
say, six time's the charm.
- [Moms] Try not to do that
over the thinking thing you do.
- Wait, what do
you mean by that?
- [Moms] Let the
summoning begin!
(audience cheers)
Lesbian
(Saira groaning)
Lesbian
(Saira groaning)
Lesbian
Lesbian
(Saira groaning)
- [Moms] It's happening.
(Saira groaning)
Lesbian
Lesbian
(singers vocalising)
(Saira panting)
- Oh.
- Oh, for fucks sake.
- [Leanne] Oh, sweetie,
that was really tough.
Especially for us.
- [Anne] It is so hard
to watch you struggle,
but let's not have
it ruin a good party.
Who wants to see us dance?
- [Leanne] I do, I
wanna see us dancing.
Party, party,
party, party, party
- [Leanne] Great dancing!
(birds chirp)
(sombre music)
Really, really, really sad
Really, really, really sad
- [Saira] Kiki, ever
since you've disappeared,
who else can I talk to?
I'm lost.
When you left, you took
everything with you.
The absence of you
is everywhere I look.
Really, really, really sad
- [Saira] It's like a huge hole
has been pumped
through my chest.
(Saira screaming)
But in a way, I'm glad.
The pain is my only
reminder that you were real.
(dramatic music)
(damsel whimpering)
(Kiki laughs)
(gun zaps)
(damsel yelps)
(damsel whimpers)
(dramatic music)
- Kiki the Destroyer, for all
your bounty hunting needs.
Hmm.
Couldn't you just watch
me, like, all day?
Kapow.
(phone chiming)
Fuck, I'm good.
(door slams)
Yeah, no, this is my room.
(women screaming)
Take them, not
me, what the fuck!
(Kiki panting)
No, no, no, no, please,
I'm too hot to die.
(tense music)
What the fuck?
Where am I?
Oh, what is this?
(Malien laughing)
- [Malien] Welcome to our cave,
that is our toxic home brew.
- [Kiki] Who the hell are you?
- Who are we?
We're the Straight
White Maliens.
(intense music)
- Who?
- Oh, come on.
- Are you, are you serious?
The Straight White Maliens.
We used to be the
most powerful beings
in the whole universe.
- Who?
- Yeah, of course, everyone
has forgotten about us.
Everyone!
- You stripped our ancestors
of all their power and you,
you left our kind for dead.
- And we were exiled
to this man cave.
But we've had a gut full of
being pushed us bloody side.
- I'm getting upset.
- You don't wanna see
us upset right now.
- Oh, you don't want to see
us get bloody. (mumbling)
- It's not good.
- Let me guess, you wanna
rule the world again?
- No, wrong, incorrect.
- Then what do you want from me?
- [Malien] You?
This isn't about you.
- [Malien] You
are just the bait.
- What?
- You see, we can't get
the hot chicks anymore.
So for thousands of
years we've been slaving
over building this chick magnet.
(chicken clucks)
But Larry fucked it up!
- Well, I don't hear you
complaining when you eat
these delicious, fresh
eggs every morning,
- Your eggs are shit!
You know those eggs are shit!
- What are you gonna feed
the chicks when we get 'em?
- Anyway, shut up, I'm
gonna feed the chicks our-
Oh no, wait, that
makes a lot of sense.
- [Larry] Thank you.
- Anyways, long story short,
we ended up buying a new
Swedish chick magnet online.
- But when it arrived,
what did we discover?
The bloody battery's
not included.
- Oh, hate that.
- Yeah, I do hate that.
(Josh mumbling)
- And according to the manual,
the battery is Princess Saira
of Clitopolis's royal labrys.
What the fuck?
- That seems weirdly specific.
- It's so stupid!
Especially because
we can't get past
that dumb Safety Bubble
protecting gay space.
And that little princess is
some sort of weird shut in.
It says she literally
never goes anywhere.
- Literally never.
- But according to the
manual, there is one thing
that could lure her out
of gay space. (giggling)
(tense music)
(phone ringing)
- Kiki, finally.
Wait, oh my God, where are you?
- Saira, you gotta help me,
I've been captured by these
things called Straight
White Maliens.
- Who?
- Oh, fuck you!
Now listen, princess, we
need your royal labrys.
- What, why?
- For super tough
cool dude stuff.
- So if you don't want us
to drown your beloved Kiki
in our toxic home brew,
you will bring it here,
to the worst, most dangerous
place in the universe.
(Saira gasps)
- But-
- Saira, please tell me
you actually have the labrys.
(mantle chimes)
- Oh yeah, totally, I've got it.
Yeah, it's, it's
not on me right now,
but I definitely have it.
- Oh, thank God.
- Great, bring it here in the
next 24 hours and come alone,
or lover girl is going down,
or should I say going
drown? (cackling)
- Oh.
(group cackling)
- Going drown. (cackling)
(group cackling)
(timer beeps)
- Kiki, Kiki! (whimpering)
(Saira grunting)
(Saira crying)
- [Monster] Why did you do that?
You'll never summon the labrys.
The only royal to fail
at this simple tradition.
You're a disappointment
to your moms.
To everyone. (laughs)
Kiki's doomed because of you.
If you weren't broken, you
would have your labrys.
(ominous music)
(mouse clicking)
(keyboard clicking)
(keyboard clicking)
(keyboard clicking)
- [Poster] Can't believe
Kiki was with her.
- [Poster] Saira sucks.
- [Poster] How can
you be a princess,
and not even like to party?
- [Poster] Saira still sucks.
- [Poster] I heard
she's straight.
- [Poster] Ew.
(Saira sighs)
- [Blade] You all need
to give her a break.
No wonder she can't
summon her labrys.
She should come to
my club, I can help.
Blade, your resident weapons
expert, kisses, motherfucker.
(Saira gasps)
(keyboard clicking)
Now it is cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, yeah, yeah
To be queer, to be queer
(tense music)
(Saira grunts)
(fist thumping)
- [Anne] Saira, we left
some food outside, okay?
It's a banh mi.
- [Leanne] Also, honey, we,
we hate to bring it up, but-
- [Anne] We put
you down as single
for the Lesbian
Ball tomorrow night.
(upbeat music)
- No need, I'll be
going with Kiki.
(moms sigh)
- [Leanne] Oh, thank God
she's taken you back.
- [Anne] Oh my goodness.
- [Leanne] That is a relief.
- [Anne] Oh, it's just
so, so sad to be single.
Well, we can only imagine it is.
- [Moms] Never done
it, never want to.
- Like everyone can see it,
'cause there's no one
standing next to you,
and when someone's single,
you just imagine them in a
food court, by themselves.
- Eating alone,
chatting to the cleaner
who doesn't even
want to talk to you.
She's got her own life,
she's not bothered with you.
You look sad, sad, sad, sad.
(Anne retches)
- [Anne] Okay, well, we'll pop
the two of you on the list.
- [Leanne] So glad
you've got a girlfriend.
- [Anne] And you're not alone.
(gentle music)
Looking for an
awesome spaceship
To take me where I need
To go
- [Saira] Oh.
(gentle music)
'Cause if I had an
awesome spaceship
- Mm-mm.
I just might make it
- Whoa, awesome.
Where I need to go
(mystical music)
- Hey, who's there?
(Saira screaming)
(Saira grunting)
(ship beeping)
- Uh-oh.
(ship blasting)
(Saira grunts)
Huh?
Huh?
(tense music)
Oh, no.
(Ship coughing)
- [Ship] Ugh, I thought
I was never gonna get off
planet of the lesbos.
- Who's there?
- It's me, the ship.
You don't wanna know how long
I've been trapped down there,
the things I've seen.
What's your name, sir?
- Saira.
- [Ship] That sounds
like a girl's name.
- I am a girl.
- [Ship] What?
Girls can't be pilots.
- Yeah, this was a mistake,
take me back please.
- Here's what I'll do, I'll
be your temporary ship.
I'll drop you off
at a nail salon
and we'll go our separate ways.
So, Sahara, where are you from?
- Clitopolis.
- Yeah, but like
where are you from?
- The palace?
- No, no, no, where
are you really from?
- Well, my cultural
heritage is half Clitopian,
and half Indian.
- Namaste.
- [Saira] Hey, please turn
around, you don't understand.
I, I've never been
outside of the-
- Oh God, that was
an awful night.
I hope that Shetland
pony survived.
Oh my God, this fucking
song again. (gasps)
See my face, I'm
the Safety Bubble
That stops all the trouble
getting into gay space
Hey daddy.
- [Ship] Huh?
- I am Safety Bubble, fierce
protector of gay space.
They say space is a vacuum,
but nothing sucks like me.
What are you doing?
- [Ship] Oh, let us out of here.
- Why the hell would you
want to go out there?
It's straight, also, it's like
way dangerous or whatever.
Or as they say in German.
(mumbles indistinctly)
- [Ship] Danger is
my middle name, baby.
- Ew, how did you
even get in here?
You can definitely leave.
(Safety Bubble screaming)
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- [Ship] Yes, sweet freedom!
Beautiful, isn't it?
(explosion blasts)
- [Saira] Oh, no.
- [Girlfriend] Babe,
what's for dinner?
- [Boyfriend] Chicken.
(couple screaming)
- [Saira] Oh, no.
- This one's for
my bodacious baby.
Baby girl, let's
go on adventures
Til the day
we're in dentures
And grow old, stay young
I know you're the one
I love you, baby girl.
- It's worse than
I ever imagined.
Approximately 23 hours left
- Okay, okay, now there
are gonna be a lot
of really hot chicks
coming in here soon.
- Yeah.
- And we need to learn
how to charm them
bloody heck out of 'em.
- Mm.
- Now Josh is our expert speaker
for today.
- Hi.
- He was once successful in
getting a woman's number.
Now we don't know what
happened after that.
We called the number
and the line was dead.
I dunno if Josh mistook it down.
- No, phone companies.
- Phone company sort of going,
maybe playing tricky
business, maybe doing-
- Tricky business.
- Maybe tricky business
was going on, some sort of-
- Tricky business.
- Some sort of tricky
business was going on
with the phone companies.
Number didn't work.
- Yeah.
- Obviously, phone companies
playing tricky business.
Still, huge achievement.
And now Josh is gonna come and
he's gonna tell everyone here
what you know about
talking to chicks.
- All right, gents, boys,
thanks for having me.
- [Malien] Josh.
- Show of hands, who
wants to meet a chick?
- Me.
- Hands up if you
don't know the process
of how to go about that,
who wants to walk outta here
today with chicks in hand?
- Ooh.
- [Malien] Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Malien] Fuck yeah.
- Now, take note
boys, all right?
Act like you are listening
and then interject
over the top of it, that
gets the chicks ticking.
Don't let 'em get a word
in edgeways, with me.
- [Maliens] Don't let 'em
get a word in edgeways.
- Let them know how much
Reddit karma you have, as well.
- I have a lot of
opinions on Marvel movies.
Would, would they be
interested in them?
- They'll love that.
- Okay, firstly, if you
want a chick to like you,
you need to connect with them.
Ask questions and listen,
no matter how boring
the answers are.
And secondly, let me go now
and no one will get hurt.
But if you don't, when
I get myself loose,
I will kill every
single one of you.
- What did she say?
- Please take me back,
this was a mistake.
- What, aren't you excited
to get your nails done?
- I don't wanna
get my nails done.
I have to keep
them short, anyway.
- Oh God, well, where can
I drop you then, Pilates?
Supermarket?
Why did you even board me
if you don't want
to go anywhere?
- Well, I thought-
- Come on.
You can't stay with me and
I'm not taking you back.
So pick somewhere, chop chop.
- S Club.
- I can't hear you.
- Do you know
where S Club 17 is?
- The party hub,
now you're talking.
I can't remember how
to get there, though.
Hmm.
I have a good feeling
about this way.
(Saira whimpers)
Such a strong feeling
about this way.
Don't even think about it.
Now, what takes you
to S Club 17, hmm?
- I need to find a way to
summon my royal labrys.
- Whoa, yeah, say no more, I
know that part of the vagina.
- And then I need
to go to the worst,
most dangerous place
in the universe.
(Ship shrieking)
- What, are you mental?
- I don't think people
say that anymore.
- I'll take you to S
Club 17, but no further.
- But my girlfriend is there.
- What the fuck is your
friend doing there?
- She's in trouble and
she's my girlfriend.
- Yeah, like a girl
who's a friend.
- Like, my partner, I'm
literally from Clitopolis.
- Oh, yeah.
- She used to be my
girlfriend, at least.
- Wait, so she's your ex?
- Well, technically yes,
but maybe if I can save her-
- Oh God, this,
this is pathetic.
(upbeat music)
Here I go
Leaving everything I know
Because I would go to
the edge of space for you
Just to hear you
say you love me too
I'm so scared of being alone
Don't wanna end up on my own
Live my whole
life on a throne
Now head into
the great unknown
- Fuck, what am I doing?
Oh, no
Okay, here I go
Here I go
Leaving everything
I know, 'cause I-
- [Ship] Oh, hello!
No one actually goes the
speed limit, poofter.
- You definitely can't
say that anymore.
(tense music)
(ship thumps)
- Oh, what is their problem?
Oh, these guys have been rude.
What do you think you're doing?
- Sorry!
- [Ship] Mutiny, mutiny!
I was distracted, for
not even one second,
and you have gone and couped me.
I am a man, and I have rights.
My old pilots were right, and
you just cannot trust women.
(Ship and Saira screaming)
I'm hurt, I'm hurt, now
what are we gonna do?
We're gonna die out here,
I told you not to drive.
- Sorry.
- [Ship] You are covering
my insurance premiums,
okay, from now on.
- [Saira] Maybe there's
moon crystals on this moon?
- [Ship] Even if there was,
we don't have anyone capable,
brave, or strong
enough to find them.
- Yeah, sorry.
- Sweet, sweet freedom, only
to get stuck somewhere else
shitty.
(gentle music)
- What if I went?
- [Ship] You?
Ugh, yeah right.
- Well, just sitting
here isn't going to help.
How bad could it-
(eerie music)
Be? (gulps)
Oh, thank God.
- It's gone.
- [Saira] Oh.
- If you'd have been
here two years ago.
It's just me, I'm
gonna go over this way.
There's nothing here.
(Saira screams)
Oh, you found a hole.
Ugh, make a friend,
lost a friend.
(Saira cries)
- Huh?
One single moon crystal
Look at it shine
I want that moon crystal
To be mine
Oh, moon crystal
Moon crystal
Oh, moon
Crystal
- Yes.
- So shiny, right?
(tense music)
(Saira screams)
- Please don't hurt me.
- Whoa, do I look like
I'm going to hurt you?
Oh, the goth thing?
Oh, it's just a look, I'm
not going to hurt you.
I thought you could
hear me singing
that moon crystal song.
- What?
Listen, I crashed my ship
and I need this moon crystal.
My girlfriend's, well,
technically ex-girlfriend's
life depends on it.
- My goodness, you've
got a lot on your plate.
Look, I'm just sorry
for scaring you.
- Oh, sorry.
- Why are you sorry?
- I don't know.
(footsteps patter)
- Enough apologies.
(magical music)
I'm so glad you are here.
I came to this moon to
write my solo album,
but I fell down a hole.
- I fell down a hole, too.
- We have so much in common.
I'm Willow.
- I'm Princess
Saira of Clitopolis.
- Whoa, a princess.
Also, I hear that place
is famously hard to find.
- It's actually not, if
you know what you're doing.
- Well, maybe you could
show me the way sometime?
I mean, if we can ever figure
out how to get out of here,
let me tell you, I've
been down here a while
and there's no obvious way out.
- I'm not sure if this will
help, but what if we use that?
(singers vocalising)
- I did not see that.
(Saira grunts)
- Gross, what is this?
- I feel like I should
know what that is.
Weird, it wasn't here before
you broke the crystal.
(ominous music)
- Great, so this is my fault.
(Saira grunts)
- It's okay, look,
these things happen.
Here, let me help you.
- Why is everything
always so hard?
(Saira grunts)
- You are so emo.
I love it!
- Why did I think a reject
like me could do anything?
(Saira grunts)
- Hey, hey, it's gonna be okay.
- Why is it not targeting you?
- I don't know.
Wow, I'm really
grateful for that.
- You're like,
annoyingly positive.
(Willow laughs)
- Thanks for saying that.
- Wait, maybe it's responding
to me being negative
about myself.
Gloom goo, do-do-do-do
Gloom goo, do-do-do-do
If you give it bad vibes
It will eat you alive
Sorry, I remember now, we
sang a song about this.
It's this incredibly
dangerous sentient goo
that feeds on bad vibes.
- So I should just say something
positive about myself, right?
- Great idea.
Come on, quick.
- I,
I don't know.
- You don't know?
Saira?
Saira!
(ominous music)
Really good at holding
a conversation,
and I can write a song
about basically anything.
I did a great job coordinating
my spikes and chains today,
I have the voice of an
angel, my eyebrows are great,
and also my guitar,
my public speaking
has never been better.
I'm ambitious, and I'm brave.
And if I was a Pokemon,
I'd be a freaking
Pikachu, I'm that cute.
(playful music)
(Saira grunts)
(Saira grunts)
- [Saira] No, the crystal.
- [Willow] Just
forget it, keep going.
- Stupid, stupid, stupid,
I needed that crystal.
I couldn't do it.
- [Willow] Stop,
you're encouraging it.
It's gonna blow!
- [Ship] What did you do?
- I'm sorry.
- [Ship] Please tell me
you've got the moon crystal.
- Yes.
- [Ship] Oh, that's a relief.
- But then I lost it.
- [Ship] I knew you
couldn't do it, you idiot!
Now we're completely fucked!
- Oh man, it's a shame
we can't use that one.
(goo blasting)
Where to next?
I'm driving.
- [Ship] Where the
fuck did she come from?
- [Willow] They.
- [Ship] There's more than one?
Approximately 18
hours left before
Kiki dies
- Okay, so just remember when
your permanent is tapped,
you can't tap that card again
until it's been untapped.
- And only when
your turn begins.
When your turn begins, then
you can untap your tap cards
so they can be used again.
Do you understand?
(Kiki pants)
- Oh, and there are
different phases
each with their
own set of rules.
So the beginning phase rules-
- Please, stop,
if you don't stop,
I'm going to make
you stop, I mean it.
I really am going to get
myself loose any minute now.
- Why can't you chicks
ever like what we like?
Now about the beginning phase.
- Ooh, yes, the beginning phase.
(Kiki sobbing)
- Wait, so you need this
labrys thing to save Kiki,
and your only hope is
that this Blade person
that you found on
the future net,
and know nothing about,
will be able to help?
- Yeah, I know, it's-
- Such a good plan.
- [Ship] Is it, though?
Hey, be careful, go
straight, go straight.
- Typical.
I'll have you know,
I'm actually bisexual.
- [Ship] Are bisexuals
really a thing?
- Where did you find this
thing, the 21st century?
- Yeah, that is where I'm from.
- [Both] Oh.
- Hey, thanks for
saving me back there.
- Oh, no, thank you,
that was a thrill.
Besides, I might not have
found that ladder without you.
I'm not super observant.
Or book smart or street smart.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Why?
It's not a bad thing, I'm
just smart in other ways.
Like I'm super creative.
- That's right,
you're a songwriter?
- Trying to be, you see...
- [Ship] Oh, oh, oh,
you better not sing it.
(guitar strums)
(gentle music)
I was in a gay pop band
We were in high demand
We'd dance and
sing and dance
Our life great, at a glance
But really, we were
prisoners of gay pop
Forced to dance
and sing nonstop
But somehow to me,
it all felt wrong
I dreamed to write
not shared songs
So I decided I
would break free
Become the songwriter
I always wanted to be
Hmm
- Wow.
- [Ship] Fuck my life.
- They never used to let
me play my own songs.
They said they were too
indie.
Now, I finally get to
figure out my own music
separate from the group.
I thought I'd be able to
write songs on the moon,
but let me tell you, there
was not a lot to write about.
But I'm hoping hanging with
you will inspire some songs.
I mean, an inter galactic
space quest to save your ex?
Oh, wow.
- Oh, I'm actually
really boring.
- I don't think you are.
(romantic music)
- [Ship] No, I think
she is, she really is.
- Look, I love the emo vibe,
but you must have something
positive to say about
yourself, right?
What's something you're good at?
- Well, I'm not bad at magic.
- That's so cool, I'd
love to see a trick.
- No, you wouldn't.
- Ah, yeah, I would-
- Pick a card.
- Ooh.
- [Saira] Okay.
So we're going to use your
card, the ace of hearts,
and put it in the
middle of the deck.
- Yeah.
- [Saira] Because it's one
of the only cards that
acts like a helium balloon.
If I push it the whole way in.
- [Willow] Uh-huh.
- [Saira] Like this,
and snap my fingers. (snaps)
Did you see it come
back to the top?
- What the freak?
- We'll do it again,
we'll take it.
We'll put it in the
middle like that,
now if I don't snap my fingers,
the card doesn't
come to the top.
But if I either snap or
cover it just for a second
did you see it come
back to the top?
- Oh my God!
- We'll try this one more time,
I'll take it just like this.
In fact, I might use
your hand for this.
(Willow panting)
You can press it, the whole
way in, into the middle.
(Willow yelps)
Here we go.
Oh.
Huh?
- What did, how,
wait, oh my God!
That's so cool,
you're really good.
- No one's ever stayed
for a whole trick before.
- Well, they're missing out.
(romantic music)
- What do you guys think
about the sex scene
in "Blue is the Warmest Colour?"
(gentle music)
I fell down a hole
And so did you
What a silly thing
For us to do
But we made it out somehow
Take a look at us right now
Oh, Saira and me
Zooming through the gay-laxy
There's nowhere
I'd rather be
(Willow vocalising)
Oh, Saira and me, zooming
through the gay-laxy
Something, something
different lyrics
(Saira laughs)
I'm figuring that one out.
(gentle music continues)
(upbeat music)
(people cheering)
All right here,
we are, S Club 17.
This is where that
lady who can help you
find your laprys will be.
- You mean, we have
to go in there?
(partygoer sniffing)
- Yeah.
- Not looking like
this, we won't.
It's montage time, baby!
- What?
Yeah, I'm in your city,
getting busy for my people
- Oh, I'm good with
what I've got on.
- Come on, you can't
go in there like that.
- But Kiki gave this to me.
- Seriously?
What's so great about this Kiki?
- Well,
she's just like,
really
fucking hot.
(Willow laughs)
- Wait, is that seriously it?
- It's just, there's only
one Kiki the Destroyer.
No one ever gave me a
chance, but she did.
And being with her was
like getting the keys
to this better life.
Without her, I'm like, nothing.
- You know, that's
kind of how I felt
after I left the group.
But you know what
made me feel better?
A makeover!
Come on, it's time to
make you fucking hot, too.
Not that you aren't already,
I mean, that came out wrong.
Feeling buzzy,
feeling cheeky
I don't need you,
but you need me
- Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh, mm-hmm.
(singer vocalising)
(Willow mimics sad trombone)
(singer vocalising)
(Saira yelps)
- [Willow] Sorry!
- Willow?
- Sorry, sorry.
(singer vocalising)
Acting like Madonna
- Bow-wow! (barking)
(singer vocalising)
Uh, uh, uh, uh
- It's perfect.
(uplifting music)
- What did you do?
Take off-
- I took off the jumper.
(Willow whimpers)
(uplifting music continues)
- Okay, I'll beam you over now.
Do you remember how to get back?
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
- [Ship] You sound unsure.
Okay, let me explain again.
- Thanks so much, but
I think we got it,
the first three
times you told us.
- Oh, you say that now.
But it can be pretty easy to
get confused and mixed up,
especially if you're a
lady, or whatever you are.
And you know, not
used to tech stuff.
- [Willow] Honestly,
I reckon we got this.
- Just one more time.
What you need to do is get
up the remote beam tracker
and press the beam button.
Oh, fuck my life.
(upbeat music)
- Thank God!
He just kept
talking and talking.
- I can't believe I did that.
- I love this place.
- Oh, God.
Lost my shit
- I'm Blade, this is my club.
- Oh man, it's gonna
be hard finding Blade.
- That was easy.
- Okay, what's the plan.
- Should we go up and say hi?
- But how will we get
into the air vent?
- What if she actually
doesn't want to help?
- Genius, okay, you
go find a screwdriver,
and I'll get the pineapple.
- You're right, we can do
this if we're together.
(person speaks indistinctly)
- [Bouncer] This is VIP.
- Willow?
(outline beeps)
PRN, 'cause I've
lost my shit
Give me a PRN, 'cause
I've lost my shit
Give me a PRN, 'cause
I've lost my shit
Give me a PRN
(water trickling)
- [Monster] Willow ditched you.
Your plans are stupid.
Blade doesn't wanna help you.
You will always be broken.
You should just give up.
- We need to talk
about Ryan. (crying)
I swear he's cheating
on me with Stephanie,
and he is totally
gaslighting me.
Like, why would he post
all those selfies with her,
and what, you know, what
is, if that's just the vibe,
but like, don't
tell me I'm crazy.
That's how things ended
the last time. (sobbing)
So like I'm, (hiccups)
I'm not crazy, right?
Right?
- What?
- Thanks for agreeing.
So yeah, he just always
puts himself before me,
and makes me feel like
a loser. (sobbing)
- You shouldn't let him
make you feel so terrible.
Why do you let him do that?
- He's just, like,
really fucking hot.
I just, I can't
believe he likes me.
- Surely there's lots to love?
- Well, I do listen a
lot when he's talking
to me about his video game.
I don't even, I don't know
what's going on in there,
but he seems really excited.
So he's telling me about AK-47.
I don't know what that is,
but it makes him happy.
And I'm really good
at shoplifting.
- It sounds like this Ryan
doesn't appreciate
how great you are.
- Oh my God, you're right.
Thanks, babes, I needed
to hear that. (laughs)
It's wild to think I
won't remember any of this
in the morning and we'll never
see each other ever again.
You know what?
You're right, screw
him, I'm great.
You're like the wisest, coolest,
prettiest person I've ever met.
You fucking rock, girl.
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey
(person speaks indistinctly)
- Hey, Blade, I need to
speak to you, please?
- What?
- I said, I need to
speak to you, please.
- What?
- I said-
- I'll come down.
(throne beeping)
Coming down.
Fucking, fucking. (indistinct)
(throne beeping)
Well, hello.
- Hi.
How's it going?
I'm Princess Saira from-
- I know who you are.
- Ah, cool, yeah,
yeah, well, yeah.
I saw on the future net
that you might be able
to help me summon
my royal labrys?
- You think you can
just come into my club,
march into the VIP area, make
me come down from my throne,
and expect me to just help
you summon your labrys?
If that's what you
think, you would be
absolutely right. (laughs)
I am so excited you're here.
Princess Saira, it
would be my honour
to help you out, darling.
- Oh, oh my God, really?
Thank you.
- Get up, you
little sweaty bitch.
You know, we're actually not
so different, Princess Saira.
- Really?
- I mean, my parents
aren't queens or anything,
but they are renowned
psychologists, and ooh girl,
when people talked
shit about me, (laughs)
I tried for the
longest time to fit in,
and be the psychological
professional my
parents wished for.
But I realised if there's no
room for you to be yourself,
fuck it, go and make
it yourself, girl.
I finally followed
my real passion.
- Drag?
- Weapons.
They love the drag, but
the weapons, they said,
"Blade, your behaviour
is very concerning."
But like, don't
call your kid Blade
and expect them not to
be into blades, right?
Speaking of blades, your labrys.
I'll tell you what's
causing you trouble.
As with all
metaphysical weapons,
the key to unlocking your
labrys is a mental one.
The wiring is all there.
You just need to make
the right connections.
- So, I'm not broken?
- Not at all, and
luckily, I happen to know
a thing or two about psychology.
Now let mama help you find
your labrys, you ready?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, close your eyes.
- This is safe, right?
(Blade laughs)
- Of course, we're
only meditating.
I want you to take
a deep breath in.
(Saira inhales)
And out.
(Saira exhales)
(gentle music)
Now babes, it might feel like
you're not in control
of your own mind,
but just a conscious
is actually trying
to protect you in a
roundabout kind of way,
and a saboteur, all that shit.
But it's only as powerful
as you let it be.
Now look around at
your surroundings,
what do you notice?
Reach out and touch the door.
Feel the handle,
feel its smoothness.
- [Monster] This won't work.
- [Blade] Remember,
you're the boss.
Breathe in.
(Saira inhales)
And out.
(Saira exhales)
At your own pace, hold the
handle firmly and pull.
(ominous music)
(Saira exhales)
(Saira whimpers)
- Wait, Saira, I wanna
hang out with you.
Just kidding, I ditched
you because you-
- Bore me.
Bore me, bore me.
Bore me.
You bore me.
(labrys droning)
(footsteps pattering)
(ominous music continues)
- [Person] Why do
we keep trying?
- [Kiki] Boring.
- [Saira] Huh?
Can't you just stay
here with me today?
- [Leanne] We can't,
we'll be late for our
royal orgy, sweetie.
- [Saira] Can I show
you my magic show now?
- [Anne] Not now, Saira,
we're gonna be late
for our own burlesque show,
much cooler than magic.
- [Leanne] You should
do burlesque instead.
- [Saira] I'm 10.
Wanna come over
after school, maybe?
- [Friend] Will the
queens be there?
- [Saira] No, they're away.
- [Friend] Sorry, I can't.
(sombre music)
- [Anne] What did we do
wrong, it can't be us.
- [Leanne] Waste of space.
(sombre music continues)
(person speaking indistinctly)
- [Person] Something
wrong with her.
(footsteps patter)
(person speaking indistinctly)
- [Anne] Happened
the first try, right?
- [Moms] You can't have it.
- But it's mine.
- [Moms] You're not
good enough for it.
- Yes, I am.
(Saira yells)
(gentle music)
(chains rattling)
(singer vocalising)
(Saira panting)
(magical music)
(singers vocalising)
Yes, finally, yes, yes, yes.
- Yoink.
- Yes?
- I'll take that.
- Huh?
(Blade cackling)
- Finally, a labrys is
mine, all mine. (cackling)
I can't believe you fell for
it, you basic little bitch.
- Wait, I thought you
wanted to help me.
- Nah.
I can't believe you
didn't see that.
- But I need it.
- Not when you're dead. (laughs)
Time to christen
this beautiful blade.
(Saira grunts)
(intense music)
(Blade cackling)
(Willow yells)
- Whoopsies, finally found you.
Sorry I took so long, it took
me ages to find the pineapple.
What's it for?
- What?
- Oh, hey, you found
the labrys thing.
(Willow grunts)
(Blade yells)
- Okay, so Blade is not cool.
- Yeah, she's trying
to steal my labrys.
- Oh, hell no.
- What are you gonna do, fight
me with a pineapple? (laughs)
- Oh, it all makes sense now.
(Saira laughs)
(Blade grunts)
- [Blade] Ow, what the fuck?
(Willow laughs)
- Willow!
(Blade grunting)
(Saira grunts)
(Saira grunts)
- Ha, have you ever
used an axe before?
(metal clinking)
(Saira yells)
Ha, even with that
beautiful weapon,
you can't defend yourself
against a pineapple.
You're a joke.
(Saira panting)
No, what are you doing to it?
- No.
- Fuck, you bitch. (crying)
(Saira yells)
Yeah, that's how
you use it. (coughs)
- Now who's a joke,
you bitch? (crying)
(ship beeps)
- Hey.
Welcome back.
- Is she okay, is she awake?
- Yes, she's okay, you
can stop freaking out now.
- I wasn't freaking out,
you were, I don't care.
- I beamed us back here
after you decapitated
that Blade lady.
You are such a badass. (purrs)
- Wait, where's my-
- Hey, hey, hey.
Shh, shh, it's okay, it's okay.
It's here.
- What?
No, where's my labrys?
- Oh, that, yeah,
that's here too.
(Saira pants)
- I really was pretty
badass back there.
- Yeah, I have a
huge crush on you.
Wait, did I say that out loud?
- [Ship and Saira] Yes.
- It's just...
- Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, that got you.
Oh, Saira, I've
got a crush on you
Oh, Saira, I've got
a crush, it's true
And it's on you
My crush is on you
Specifically, you, Saira
That song was about you.
- I got that.
- [Ship] Ooh, yeah.
Called it.
- That's been there
this whole time?
- Yep, it's been in
front of you all along.
- We're not talking
about the button, are we?
- No, I'm talking about the
button, I saw it ages ago.
- Oh.
- [Ship] How can
you even have sex?
- Now that he's gone.
Oh, Saira, I've
got a crush on you
Oh, Saira, I've got
a crush, it's true
And it's on you
Woof woof.
My crush is on you
Specifically, you, Saira
Are yours hands magic?
Approximately
five hours before
Kiki dies in a vat
of toxic home brew
- Hello there, lady at bar.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Well, what, do, I
like your dress.
- Thank you.
- I wore a nice
shirt to this bar.
- It's making me horny.
(Larry laughs)
- Perch hands.
- Drink, drink, ask about
a drink, ask about a drink.
- I'm thirsty.
- Oh, are you thirsty?
- Yeah.
- She gave you the leading,
just go for it, man.
Just go for it, just
be yourself, bro.
- Can I get you with my
money, a drink for you?
- Oh yes, please.
- Close the deal,
close the deal.
- Now that I have purchased
you a drink, you owe me sex?
- Yes.
- Yes, correct.
(Kiki cackling)
- Hey, don't be so mean,
this is a safe space.
- What's so funny?
- It's just like,
I don't get why this
is so hard for you.
- Oh, wow, so predictable,
from the lady of
colour who's a lesbian.
I'm really shocked,
lesbian of colour.
The whole universe is built
around you, lesbian of colour.
- Here's something that I
guarantee you did not know.
Did you know that crash
test dummies are built
around the average size
and proportions of a woman?
What if we get into a crash?
- And look at this phone.
They make these for chicks.
How am I supposed to use this
tiny phone with my huge hands?
It's a tiny fucking lesbian
phone, fuck you lesbian phone!
- We gotta be confident.
We gotta be too-
- But not too-
- But not too confident.
- Don't be too confident.
Don't be too confident.
- We gotta be beautiful.
- But not too beautiful.
- But not too beautiful.
- Can't be too beautiful.
Can't look too good.
- You gotta have nice shoe,
you gotta, everything you do,
everything you do, I gotta
do backwards in flat shoes.
Do you understand?
You've got the support of heels.
I just, it is hard for us, too,
and I just think sometimes.
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
- So, no, I'm sorry, I'm just...
- Oh.
- I know.
No, he does this.
- We can't win.
- He's just upset.
- I'm not, I'm not upset,
I, these are angry tears.
I'm so angry I'm crying.
- Ugh, you should
just stop complaining.
Screw this, my life is
hard too, that's it.
I'm really doing it this time,
I'm getting myself loose.
(Kiki yells)
(playful music)
(Maliens gasp)
(Kiki grunting)
(Maliens gasp)
Yeah!
- No, no, no, no.
(Kiki laughs)
(Maliens gasp)
- Oh.
(Kiki groans)
I think it's time you realise
who has the power here.
Kill the lesbian!
- To be or not to be.
That is the question.
Oh, God, oh, this
is the most painful
and horrible death anyone
could ever experience!
Oh God, why me,
why, why? (gurgling)
- Bro, I said kill the
lesbian, not the thespian.
What the heck, bro.
- You can hear they sound-
- [Malien] Yes.
- The same.
- [Malien] I understand.
- I mean, I know this
isn't my argument,
but I'm pretty sure
you said thespian.
- I don't think I did.
When I say kill the lesbian,
I'm talking about,
quite specifically, her.
And you know that, you
do this, you team up and-
- You said thespian.
- [Malien] You pick on me.
Fucking, I swear to
God I didn't, and if
I did, I apologise.
- Now, who's the lesbian, hey?
- What, no.
- [Larry] That
doesn't make sense.
- No, no, no, no, no, do, what?
Do you know what a lesbian,
do you know what a lesbian is?
- Yes.
- [Malien] What.
- They're, they get on stage.
- [Malien] That's a thespian.
- And, and, and date
someone of the same sex.
- [Larry and Malien]
That's a lesbian thespian.
- It's a lesbian.
- No, no, it's a
lesbian thespian.
- Just kill the lesbian,
just kill the lesbian.
- Every lesbian in "The L
Word" was also a thespian.
- Yes, that's fair, you
cannot argue with that.
- No, and I never
would, either way,
we're getting off topic.
- [Larry] Mm.
- And I would like to kill
the lesbian, we gotta-
- We already killed her.
- No, we killed the thespian,
you killed the thespian, the-
- Yes, and that's
what you wanted.
- I thought you said thespian.
- No.
No, shut up, stop talking now.
All right, now.
Kill the lesbian.
(Kiki groans)
- Wait, wait, wait, I'm
sorry, you're right.
Women like me suck, we
take up too much space.
- Ah, no, no, no,
no, no, too late.
I am sick of you
always patronising us.
- But you need me, mm-hmm.
Saira's not gonna give you
the labrys for nothing.
Do you really want to
invite a lesbian with one
of the most powerful weapons
in the universe to your cave,
and then tell them you've just
killed the person they love?
(Maliens gulp)
- Well, if she
loves you so much,
what is taking her so long?
- Just let me talk to her.
I promise I can get her here.
- Fine, but you better
hope she's close by.
I am done waiting.
Button!
(timer buzzes)
(phone ringing)
New time limit,
princess, one hour.
- What?
- You can thank big
mouth over here for that
and all the mean things
she's been saying.
About me and my friends.
- Saira, wait, where are you?
Is that sex hair,
who the fuck is that?
- Hey, I'm Willow,
Saira's new partner.
- What, no, they're no one.
- [Willow] Oh.
- Wait, I didn't
mean that, I'm sorry.
- [Kiki] Are you serious?
- I mean, I'm sorry,
they're no one.
- [Willow] Oh.
- I mean, I don't
know, I'm confused.
I'm just,
sorry.
- No, Saira, I'm sorry.
I can see now, I screwed things
up, I never appreciated you.
But Saira, you are the only one
who can bring your royal
labrys and save me.
Now, but now I've lost you,
and now I'm going die. (cries)
- No.
- That's not true, I'll
come, of course I'll come.
- You have one hour.
- Kiki!
(Kiki screams)
(Saira panting)
- Willow, I'm sorry.
- It's okay, if Kiki
means this much to you,
we can open this
relationship up.
- No, Willow, I think maybe
you and I should
just be friends.
- You're friend zoning me?
I hid the body for you,
not the head, though.
I figured they'll
never figure out
who it belongs to
without the body.
You know, I don't
even like murder.
I just wanted you to like me.
- I do really like you.
I think you're the first
proper friend I've ever had.
I got a bit caught up in that.
Now I've messed it up.
- I just need some time.
And I'm taking this, you
owe me that at least.
- It's yours.
- Don't let them see you cry.
I definitely have some
inspiration for my album now.
- I'm sorry.
I really hope we can be friends.
- Fuck you, Saira.
(sombre music)
(Saira crying)
I met her on a moon
She was still
amid some gloom
So she took me
on a wild ride
Did some fucked up shit,
but we fell to life
Oh, Saira, there she goes
Will she save
Kiki, no one knows
Oh, Saira, there she goes
Will she save
Kiki, no one knows
She's travelling
the gay-laxy
I kind of wish it was for me
But something's just
aren't meant to be
- Finally, how was it?
Wait, where's the other one?
What happened?
Did she, they dump you, too?
- I kind of dumped them.
- Why would you do that?
They seem to genuinely like
your boring personality
and magic tricks.
- Because I've gotta save Kiki.
- [Ship] Oh man, you
still wanna do that?
- I, I can't just abandon her.
Listen, I know you didn't
wanna come this far,
but she needs me.
Is it okay if I drive
us to the worst,
most dangerous place
in the universe?
(Ship cries)
- No pilots ever asked me if
I'm okay with something before.
Honestly, they were
a bit mean. (crying)
- Well, what do you say,
wanna stick with me?
- I mean, we've come
this far. (crying)
Sorry, you really hit a nerve.
Yeah, whatever, let's go.
One, two, three, four
Saira, there she goes
Will she save
Kiki, no one knows
Whoa, Saira, there she goes
Will she save
Kiki, no one knows
Yeah, I wrote my song down
Woo
- [Ship] Hold on.
That's the worst, most
dangerous place in the universe?
- Yeah, apparently this is it.
- [Ship] Do you
know what this is?
It's like one, one of those
world's best cup of coffee
bullshit slogan things.
It's like, "Oh yes,
that shitty little cafe
has the world's
best cup of coffee."
- Ship.
- [Ship] What?
(intense music)
- [Ship] Oh, God.
- Hey.
I'm so happy.
(meteor blasts)
(intense music)
- It shot us!
- Right in the face.
I'm sorry I took you here,
you should take us back.
- Don't you dare.
You are not the same
shy, sad, pathetic,
boring, miserable princess you
were when you hopped aboard.
My generous wisdom and
guidance has helped shape you
into the strong lady warrior
sitting here right now.
So what are you
gonna do, Sangria?
- I know what to do.
(intense music)
Okay, mama's driving
now. (grunting)
(intense music continues)
(Saira yells)
- Ow, fuck.
(robot growls)
(beam blasts)
It's really on me.
- Shit, this isn't
working. (gasps)
I think I've got an idea.
- I trust you.
(Saira yelling)
- [Ship] Take it back, I take
it back, I don't trust you!
(lasers zapping)
(intense music)
(singers vocalising)
(ship blasts)
(penis gasps)
(ship beeping)
(singers vocalising)
(explosion booms)
(Ship and Saira yelling)
(bird squawking)
(Ship coughing)
- Oh, that does not sound good.
- What, me?
I feel great.
(wheel clanks)
Get outta here, go save
your stupid ex-girlfriend.
(intense music)
Oh, and I guess,
be careful, okay?
- Hey.
Thanks for being
an ally back there.
- [Ship] Ew, what?
I'm not gay.
(timer beeps)
(Kiki gulps)
(dramatic music)
- [Malien] Boys, I
miss the thespian.
- Hey.
- [Malien] What?
- [Malien] Oh, you
shouldn't have-
- I've got the labrys.
- Shouldn't have
killed the thespian.
- I miss that thespian.
- [Larry] Shouldn't have
killed the thespian.
- Putting on plays and stuff.
- [Larry] Why'd you tell
him to kill the thespian?
- I said, hey, I've
got the labrys.
- I remember specifically.
- I fucking didn't.
They did my favourite one
man show of "Book of Mormon."
- [Malien] Yeah.
(Malien gasps)
- Our labrys is here!
- [Maliens] Oh.
- Our labrys is here!
Gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme. (grunts)
- Oh.
(Maliens cheering)
Now, let Kiki go.
- Oh, gladly, terrible deal for
you if you ask me, take her.
Get her outta here,
look at the labrys.
(magical music)
- Hey.
- You saved me.
I'm free! (laughing)
I'm finally free.
Oh God, I thought I
was gonna die, whew.
- You know, if we
hurry, we could still go
to the Lesbian Ball together.
- Yeah, I don't think so.
- [Malien] Ooh, rough.
- But I came all
this way for you.
- Yeah, well, you kind
of got me into this mess.
- But you said that
maybe if I was different.
- Listen, I'm so
grateful you saved me.
I'm genuinely impressed
you made it here.
- Mm-hmm.
- But I don't owe you
anything, nothing's changed.
- But I have.
- Ugh, again, with the crying.
Look, I really don't
want to be mean,
but it never really made sense
that I was with you
in the first place.
You know what I mean?
- What's happening to it?
- [Maliens] Fuck!
- What the hell,
princess, we had a deal!
(Saira yelps)
I'm upset, fuck!
- [Malien] Fuck!
- [Malien] Fuck!
(sombre music)
(Kiki sighs)
(Saira whimpers)
- Huh?
Huh.
(intense music)
- [Monster] I knew you
couldn't ignore me for long.
You haven't changed at all.
Get it into your thick head.
You are not good
enough for Kiki.
Without her, you're nothing.
- That's not true.
- [Monster] Yes, it is.
Even your own moms
don't like you.
- Just stop it,
stop criticising me.
- [Maliens] What the fuck?
- [Monster] You
disappoint everyone.
I'm just telling you how it is.
- Are you?
Maybe my moms are
just bad parents.
Maybe Kiki is actually
a narcissistic asshole,
and I deserve better.
I'm not always the problem.
- [Monster] Yes you are.
- I don't think so.
- [Monster] You're a boring
little wimp, and you know it.
- Ah, shut the fuck
up. (screaming)
(explosion blasts)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music continues)
Ooh
Lesbian
Ooh
- Oh, good and great, you got
it back, now hand it over.
- No.
- What?
- [Maliens] What?
- What?
- But you said we could have it
if we gave you the mean lady.
- You can't have a lesbian
and a lesbian thing.
- That's too many-
- What?
- Things,
'Cause we don't have any-
- [Maliens] What?
- What?
(Malien screams)
- I'm crying. (screams)
- No, you're not.
- Aren't I?
- No.
- [Malien] We had a deal!
- [Saira] Yeah, well,
sometimes things don't work out
how you want them to.
- Oh, well we know
that all too well.
(dramatic music)
- [Josh] Give it
back, it's ours!
(Josh laughs)
- Actually, it's mine.
- Oh, oh.
(Josh screaming)
- Why do you even need it?
- Well, because if we
don't have your labrys
to power our chick magnet, then
we'll never get hot chicks.
- And we'll be losers forever.
- Wait, that's seriously
why you want it?
- We don't exactly have chicks
knocking down our door.
- No.
- I leave my door open,
and they still
don't come through.
- Yeah, but all the chick
magnets in the world
won't help you.
I went through all of this.
And why, 'cause I
wanted Kiki to love me?
But now I see my biggest problem
was that I didn't
even love myself.
We deserve to love ourselves
without a chick magnet
or a hot as fuck girlfriend.
(angelic music)
- Wow, I mean, no,
you're full of shit.
Get her, boys!
(dramatic music)
(Malien laughing)
- [Magnet] Incoming
chicks, incoming chicks.
Incoming chicks, incoming
chicks, incoming chicks.
(chick screaming)
(blood trickling)
(labrys clatters)
(Larry clears throat)
- Wait, guys, I, I just
had a random thought.
All the chick magnets in
the world won't help us.
We went through all
of this, and why?
Because we wanted
chicks to love us.
But now I see our
biggest problem
is that we don't
even love ourselves.
- [Maliens] Oh.
- We deserve to love ourselves
without a chick magnet,
or a hot as fuck girlfriend.
- Wow, that was beautiful, bro.
- I'm proud of you, man.
- You are so smart.
- [Larry] Thank you.
- God, you all
deserve one another.
Shame you can't just
date each other.
- I mean, we would have the
best time, like all the time.
- Yeah, and well,
I guess they do say
you should date
your best friends.
- [Malien] Yeah.
- Yeah, they do say that.
And I hear, I hear sexuality
is a bit of a spectrum.
- [Malien] It is.
- [Malien] Can be.
It is a spectrum.
- You know what I mean?
- [Malien] It is, it's a whole-
- Yeah.
- [Malien] It's
a whole spectrum.
- Yeah.
- [Josh] So, you know.
- Yeah, yeah.
- [Josh] Put it out.
We would have the best time.
- Oh. (stammers)
(kiss smacking)
(romantic music)
- Hmm, oh, yeah.
(kiss smacks)
(kisses smack)
(kisses smack)
- [Malien] Just, Larry.
- [Larry] Yeah.
- [Malien] Just come over
here for a second, yeah.
(kisses smack)
- [Larry] Okay, just a little.
- [Josh] Oh, yeah.
- [Malien] Can I
just have a soft one?
- [Josh] Oh.
(kisses smack)
- [Malien] Can you do
the rough stuff with me?
- [Josh] Come here, you.
(Kiki grunting)
- Let me in.
- [Ship] I told you we're not
going anywhere without Saira.
- What are you doing?
- Saira?
Oh, thank God you're
okay. (laughs)
Mind if I
bum a lift?
- Yeah, I just don't think
that would really make sense.
You know what I mean?
- Oh, come on, are you
seriously mad at me?
- Yeah.
- Fair.
- [Saira] You're looking better.
- [Ship] Yeah, it
was mostly just cum.
(ship humming)
- Oh, fuck, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit.
- [Ship] We don't wanna
ever see you again.
- [Saira] Oh, you
can have this back.
- I've never been
more attracted to you.
- [Ship] Where to now, Sasha?
- Back to Clitopolis.
- [Ship] No.
- Also, just as a
heads up, it's Saira.
- [Ship] Oh my God.
Have I been saying it
wrong the whole time?
That is so embarrassing.
I am so sorry, Saiyeera.
- [Saira] Saira.
- [Ship] That's what I'm saying.
- [Saira] No, listen
to what I'm saying.
Are you seriously
friendzoning me
You can't be seriously
friendzoning me
Say you don't
even wanna be poly
I can't believe this,
you're friendzoning me
(upbeat music)
You were my desire
My heart was up higher
But you burned
it down like fire
Oh, you better
watch out for Saira
Yeah, you better
watch out for Saira
Well, you better
watch out for Saira
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey
Oh no
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey
Oh no
Just because you
(singer vocalising)
Doesn't mean I owe you shit
Just because you
shot your shot
Doesn't mean that you get it
This isn't a transaction
Your kind of satisfaction
Doesn't buy you a fuck,
I don't owe you shit
Not in the friendzone
Oh no
Don't believe it, asshole,
you're not a nice guy
You don't get to
(singer vocalising)
Just because you
pretend to care
Doesn't mean I drop my pants
This isn't a transaction
Your kind of satisfaction
Doesn't buy you a fuck,
I don't owe you shit
Not in the friendzone
Oh no
Don't believe it, asshole,
you're not a nice guy
Not in the friendzone
Oh no
Don't believe it, asshole,
you're not a nice guy
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey
Oh no
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey
Oh no
One, two, three, four
Saira, there she goes
Will she save
Kiki, no one knows
There she goes, oh,
Saira, there she goes
Will she save
Kiki, no one knows
Yeah, wrote my song down
Woo