Let It Ride (1989) Movie Script
I'm going to take
better care of myself.
- I won't nag.
- I'll always remember to call.
I will not lose my temper
in public anymore.
- I won't gamble so much.
- I won't worry so much about money.
I won't worry so
much about money.
Okay, let's
synchronize your watch.
Okay.
10:27, and I'll be finished at
noon. I can be home by 12:30.
I can shower, shave, take a nap,
have a bit of lunch.
And by quarter to 1:00,
we could be having sex.
You know, I figured out my problem.
I got the whole thing figured out.
Yeah? Share it with me.
God hates me.
Jay, god loves everybody.
Not this horse. That's why
I'd like to have one day...
You'll never understand.
It's okay, it's okay,
it doesn't mean anything.
It's all right. It's
not important.
I would like to understand this.
I'd like to be a better listener.
Why don't you
explain this to me.
Sometimes you can be walking
around lucky and not know it.
- Excuse me?
- The fortune.
That's what it says,
that's what the fortune says.
"Sometimes you can be walking
around lucky and not know it."
Lovely. Well, you
know what mine says?
- "Stand by your man."
- Fabulous.
I think I'll save that. Take
another. Here, take this.
No, I'll take the other one. You
ruined that one. I'll take this one.
- How could I ruin it?
- You touched it. See...
- I didn't open it...
- If you touch it, it's your fortune.
It's pointing to you.
How do you know what it means?
- There are rules. Just follow the rules.
- What?
The international rules of fortune
cookie taking? Want me to lose my temper?
- Look...
- Excuse me.
Sorry. Would you mind
telling my wife what happens
when you touch
another person's cookie?
- It's no good anymore.
- See?
Who the hell is this guy?
I never heard that.
- What?
- You see, you have to open the cookie.
- That's not true. No, no, no.
- Yeah, then it's your fortune.
What are you, an authority?
Shut up and eat your dinner.
No, you got to eat it, if you
don't eat it, it doesn't count.
- I don't believe this.
- It's only a cookie.
It is not just a cookie!
- Where to, pal?
- Ramada inn.
Hewihean
- he can't hear.
- I can't. My husband...
Is a jealous man.
Okay, but I won't
wear the pillowcase.
Can I call my wife?
- The horse, it's worth five or six grand.
- Those the papers?
Wait a minute. Sam,
are you telling me
you had the boy hold charity
back for the last eight races?
No, I'm not telling you that.
That would be illegal.
Just give me the five grand.
I'm good for it.
'Cause the goddamn track officials
will be all over your ass.
I swear, the only way
charity can lose on Saturday
is if she's struck by lightning
in the starting gate.
Bet the horse heavy. You'll
laugh all the way to the bank.
I got some fabulous smut that you're
going to love. Listen to this.
I have no interest
in listening to your filth.
There's a piece of
business on here,
this guy puts a pillowcase
over this babe's head.
You're not gonna
believe what they said.
Bet the horse heavy. You'll
laugh all the way to the bank.
- Wait a minute. I went a little too far.
- What was that?
It was nothing. I want you
to hear this kinky business.
No, no, no. I just
want to hear that back.
- It's nothing.
- If it's nothing, play it back.
- What's my end?
- You get the tip of your life.
Bet the horse heavy. You'll
laugh all the way to the bank.
Are you telling me you had the boy hold
charity back for the last eight races?
No, I'm not telling you that.
That would be illegal.
'Cause the goddamn track officials
will be all over your ass.
I swear, the only way
charity can lose on Saturday
is if she's struck by lightning
in the starting gate.
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
This is incredible!
I can't believe this!
- Who would believe bullshit like that?
- What?
This is too good to be true. You
can't believe stuff like that.
You are a jackass.
You know that? The man just said
that the only way this horse can
lose is if lightning strikes.
What do you like?
You like the odds on lightning?
I like the fact that these are
two guys rehearsing for a play.
Just give me a break. What did he say?
The horse is gonna run on Saturday.
What is it now? It's...
It's Saturday right now.
Trotter, what's the
matter with you?
I don't know. I feel different.
Yeah, different than what?
I can't explain this.
Play the tape again.
Remember something?
You gave up gambling.
This isn't gambling.
This would not be gambling.
Gambling involves risk. It involves
chance. It involves uncertainty.
This is just taking advantage of an
extraordinary business opportunity.
If charity loses, I
want my $5,000,
plus an additional two grand
for the taxi driver.
Watch my lips.
The only way charity loses this race
is if she gets struck by lightning.
Yeah, lightning...
Are you telling me you had the boy hold
charity back for eight straight races?
No, I'm not telling you that.
That would be illegal.
'Cause the goddamn track officials
will be all over your ass.
I swear to you, the only way
charity is going to lose this race
is if she gets struck by
lightning in the starting gate.
You get the tip of your life.
Bet the horse heavy. You'll
laugh all the way to the bank.
Are you telling me you had the boy
hold charity back for eight races?
It doesn't look bad, but the
horse'll probably swallow its tongue.
We're putting everything we've
got on charity's hot little nose.
Hot nose? What? Is
she sick or something?
Well, besides, I
only got 10 bucks.
Don't worry. I got 100 bucks stashed
away for a day just like this.
Well, I'm not you.
Had the daily double.
Had the daily double.
Had the daily double. Yes, sir!
Yes, sir. Here you are,
have the daily double.
- What are you buying that shit for?
- He had the daily double.
Will you stop acting like some
hick that just fell off the bus?
- 18 months ago.
- So sue me.
100 tip sheets at $3 a piece.
That's seven racetracks a day.
Seven tracks makes it 700 racing days
a year. That's $1,400,000 a year.
I know it's a lot of money,
but what can I say?
You really like
chiquita's banana in the first?
Had the daily double.
Had the daily double.
I got a bad leg. Why don't you take this
$20 and go bet the sixth horse for me.
Bring me back the ticket, honey.
It's a living.
- This is your half.
- For me?
Put it under your tongue.
Let's go across
the street. Come on.
Let's get a beer.
I don't know, I feel different
today. Today is not like yesterday.
Well, yesterday was hot.
Today is very hot.
Hey, hey, how about a beer and
two aspirins? And two maalox.
Hello, vibes.
No, this is bullshit,
you're always talking bullshit.
- I think he's dead.
- Hey, looney, here it is.
- Charity, the four horse.
- Might be a late scratch.
- 40-1 odds in the morning line. Jesus.
- They'll bet that down.
I like the packers.
I'm not kidding. This
horse is a real dog.
Listen to this, "not
in this lifetime."
Perfect.
I might bet a half on the
packers. Just for the hell of it.
Who knows? They
may not lose too bad.
Who knows? Maybe you'll get
a discount for coming close.
I'm calling lufkin.
Trotter, I told you about my
32-star system, right?
Well, I haven't put up
a 40-star system in years.
First race, blurred image is it.
Blurred image, this is a
name that trips off your tongue.
Give me the number
of blurred image.
- Seven.
- No way on earth.
Bullshit. No way on earth.
You bet an American horse
with a foreign jockey up,
- there's bound to be...
- It's eight. I'd stake my life.
- They got a $2 minimum bet.
- Lo fat? What's that, milk?
This horse stinks, but I'm betting
150 right on his frigging nose.
- 150 what?
- The number's the key.
The od ds?
The number came to me
just as you walked in the door.
- I thought you were dead.
- No, I was getting the number.
I'm telling you,
the number is eight.
Look, first of all,
I clear my mind of everything.
That shouldn't take long.
- Look at that. Could be worse.
- You've got to pay attention.
Just relax.
Good. You can't think of
nothing. Not even women.
I'm telling you, two jugs pop up, it'll
take 17 minutes to get rid of them.
How about a beer?
A number is going
to flash. Four.
Six, nine...
It's gonna be moving like a son of a
bitch, you gotta keep your eyes open.
Now, in sports where you
need teams, letters appear.
- I see a d.
- That could be Dallas or Denver.
- Or "da giants."
- Right!
- Oh, god.
- Trotter, what's the matter?
I just saw my life
flash in front of my eyes.
- What did it look like?
- It was going down the drain.
Do you realize we just had a minor
vibe on the five horse, sink or swim?
Your life is going
down the drain, right?
"Sink, drain."
Don't you get this connection?
- Oh, god.
- That's incredible.
Hey, I'm trying to
educate you guys.
God damn, the two
horse in the second race
is a mortal lock and I'm
going to wheel him.
Boys, meet Evangeline.
Evangeline, meet the boys. Looney,
vibes, Marty. Where's trotter?
I don't belong here
with these losers...
You know that.
I belong over in
the jockey club,
talking to guys
with all their teeth.
Look, i.
I know you're trying
to give me a break.
Just let me win this once.
Just let me win
this one last one.
And I'll be able to make
everything up to Pam,
and I'll be out of the hole,
and I'll be on my way.
Okay? I will, I swear.
I'm due.
- Yeah, so's Jesus.
- There's no soap over here.
- No shit.
- Let it ride.
Let it ride? I hate this place.
Can I see some ID, miss?
- She's 19.
- I got a dog 19.
Who's her orthodontist?
Ray Charles?
- Sidney. Don't...
- Let me. Let me.
I see. Let me.
I think I got it, I got it.
There you go. That better?
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
Today's main track is listed as fast.
The turf course, firm.
Please note that this afternoon's
main race has been taken off the turf
and will be run at a mile and
one-sixteenth on the main track.
- That the one?
- Yeah, that's the one.
- Hi, Evangeline.
- Hi. It's my first time at the track.
- Trotter, over here!
- Excuse me. Pardon me.
There you go.
- Trotter.
- Sidney.
Look at the five horse.
Looks like it's asleep.
You take a horse with a large ass in
a field like this, you got a winner.
- Who do you like?
- He likes the four horse.
Thank you for
shooting your mouth off.
- The four horse? It's got leprosy.
- The coat's a little rough...
Why are you talking to people?
This is a horse race.
This isn't the Olympics.
I like charity, too.
He's got a cute nose.
The five horse is a mortal lock.
You can play a tune
on the three horse's ribs.
They're so pretty.
Charity's conscious.
Hey, look, there he
is. There's the guy...
Keep your voice down, please.
This is in the bag.
Last-minute strategy.
He's probably telling him
to go wide on the first turn.
Go fast and win.
Go fast and win.
He made the bet. Let's go.
You really think
charity can win?
- Do I really think charity can win?
- Yeah.
Well, I am walking around
in yesterday's suit.
And I do recall
just recently telling my wife
that I was gonna stop gambling
and that I was to move back home
right after work this morning.
If I listen closely, I hear my wife
telling our attorney, "go for his balls!"
And you're really asking me
whether I think charity can win?
- Yeah.
- Yes, I think charity can win.
Well, I think charity is
gonna lose by a nose.
We are calling for
trainer a.J. Brady.
Trainer a.J. Brady,
please contact the stewards.
Ladies and gentlemen, please note
that in this afternoon '5 eighth race,
number seven, hasty flyer, will now
be included on today's placing list.
Some relative die? I'm sorry.
Hi, cheeseburger.
Hey, trotter, trotter,
who do you like in the first?
Who do you like? Come on.
Come on, tell me.
Come on, it's cheese.
Who do you like?
Come on, tell me.
- The number four horse.
- Come again?
- The number four horse.
- Four...
Nobody in his right mind
bets the four horse.
The four horse
is a joke, trotter.
I love this guy.
They put little kids on the four
horse to have their pictures taken.
Excuse me, the guy here with
Sammy Davis Jr. around his neck
is bothering the customers.
Can I get some help around here?
Hey, everybody, trotter's
betting the four horse.
Hey, watch it, watch it.
Hey, trotter, the four horse
is a goddamn clydesdale.
I would like one win ticket on
the number four horse, please.
This is the $50 window.
The $5 window
is just over there.
Give me a win ticket on the number
four horse, charity, please.
- Thank you.
- Believe me, it was nothing.
Trotter, isn't this exciting?
The flamingos, the fresh air.
- Did you bet?
- Yeah!
The horses have now reached
the starting gate
for the first race
of the afternoon.
A reminder of the late
scratch in here, vagabond star.
Fresh air and conviviality are
very important to one's well-being.
Can we have two spots on the rail, and
I'll pay you after the fourth race?
Oh, boy.
- There you go.
- $5 a space, 23, 24 spaces a race,
nine races a day is...
- $1,400 a day. That's a lot.
- Yeah, for being big.
The horses have now reached
the starting gate.
Marty's horse looks suicidal.
Who do you like in the first?
The four horse?
- Hey, down in front, you big lug.
- Who said that?
Here comes the assistant starters
now to take the hold of the runners.
They're going in.
Here's burgles delight
in the inside gate,
joined by dream roadblock,
going in quietly.
Shy ruler will be the next one.
He goes without any problem.
- Trotter, I got a bad feeling.
- No, no.
In order for you to have a bad feeling,
you've got to have had a good feeling,
so you have no
frame of reference.
Charity hesitated momentarily, but
there goes charity, in quietly now.
Sink or swim coming forward, then it'll
be chiquita banana and blurred image.
Guys and dolls forward.
The flag is up!
Away they go!
It's sink or swim,
then shy ruler.
Then dream roadblock...
- Still a long way to go.
- One more word, I'll kill you.
Guys and dolls, the last pair.
On to the back stretch they go,
the long shot,
charity, opening up to lead
by three lengths.
Shy ruler in second,
then it's sink or swim.
The favorite, blurred image, in the
middle of the pack, then it's lo fat...
Guys and dolls is last.
Coming to the quarter pole, still
charity, blurred image on the outside.
Blurred image. That's Marty's horse.
He might've picked himself a winner.
Blurred image is coming in...
Don't do this to me.
Blurred image,
charity's final try...
She's dying.
Charity on the inside, blurred
image coming up alongside...
I thought we had a deal.
Who won? Who won?
- Who won?
- Photo.
Photo? It was a photo?
I'm so glad I
decided not to bet.
- You didn't bet?
- I would've had a heart attack.
That's why I only bet $2
on the longest shot there is,
so I don't get my heart pulled.
- Why is it on so long?
- Blurred image was Marty's horse.
He would be thrilled
to pieces if he won.
I don't deserve this anguish.
Are you all right?
Have some nice beer.
I quit drinking.
Photo sign went
off, they got a winner.
The winner of today's first
race, number four, charity...
- My god, trotter, it's official, you won.
- Second, blurred image,
third, number two,
dream roadblock.
The winning time
in today's first race, 1:36...
28:40, you're rich!
Is that official?
I can't believe
I didn't bet that.
What wonderful people.
I'd hate to walk around
this joint with $700 cash.
710, and you'll never
have that problem,
because the only reason I won
is that you didn't bet.
You are the unluckiest person
in the world.
- Am not!
- Am!
- Am not!
- Am!
Who do you like in the second?
The six horse looks pretty good.
- You got a brother?
- In Cleveland.
Call him up. Ask him who he
likes. I figure it's in the blood.
You had it. You were the
one who had it. You had it.
You knew. You're the unluckiest
person in the world.
You don't have to get personal.
Congratulations.
You got the long shot.
Twenty, 40, 60, 80, one...
- Down payment on a new fridge.
- 80, two...
- Eighty, three...
- Towards the rent.
- Eighty, four, five...
- Flowers for Pam. Dinner for Pam and me.
- Six.
- Parking tickets.
This is $710.
I'm rich!
Hey, trotter, long time no see.
Let's see, what is
that? 30 to 40 a day,
180 to $200 a week,
$720 a month...
- It's not a lot of money.
- No, no.
I got kids in college.
This dollar will pay
for a minute's tuition.
Buy yourself a new joke.
- Walking tall.
- Thank you.
The head of the beer contains
all the vitamins and minerals.
Everything you need to live
is all right there.
A's, b's, c's...
There you go.
- You don't take this one?
- Are you serious?
You look a little taller.
Anybody want a beer
before I go home?
Hear you had a big win, trotter.
Yeah, he hit the long shot.
I'm buying.
You know, I may not
have a bunch of money,
but at least I got the piece of mind
to when I know I did the right thing,
which is not betting
on a sure thing.
I knew a guy once, comes to the
track, hits a $75 daily double.
Has to borrow money to get home.
You know, I told you guys
which horse I was going to bet.
Remember the time you
rat-holed a five up your ass?
He was so broke
by the last race,
he had to drop his pants right in
front of the window to get at it.
A winner knows
when it's time to quit.
What a race.
I can't believe we really won.
It was that photo.
- Excuse me, excuse me!
- Did you see that thing?
My name is trotter.
I have a very close friend
who drives a cab.
It's just a coincidence, but what
he likes to do to pass the time,
is to make tapes...
- I knew something would go wrong.
- Got the tape?
- God damn it!
- No, no, actually, I...
What do you want?
We didn't do anything.
How much do you want?
No, I just won $710 on charity, and
I just came down here to thank you.
How much?
I was only here for the first
race. I'm on my way home.
What do you want?
- I'm not a blackmailer.
- How much?
- Take the tape.
- Where's the original?
That's it. There are no copies.
I'm not a crook.
Neither am I...
Hey, I thought we had it won,
but you never know.
I agree, I agree. Even when
you know, you never know.
- Yeah, I know.
- Exactly. This is the only tape?
- Yeah, that's it.
- How did you like that photo?
- Tense. Yes.
- You didn't make a copy?
I just came down
here to say hello.
I'm on my way home.
There's a horse in the third
race. Got a good chance.
This is the only tape?
Absolutely.
The reason I like
this horse a little,
my jockey says the jockey
riding this faith healer
has got a grand riding on him.
The last grand this loser saw
was the Grand Canyon.
Then I must have borrowed it.
- Faith healer? Seven horse.
- I got a couple of bucks on him.
- Put 10 bucks on him. Who knows?
- Who knows?
Look, I have to go home.
Take my seat at the jockey club.
And take this. You
might need it. You know?
- You never know.
- No, you never know. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Give me a burger.
- One burger.
- Why do you like this faith healer?
- Talking to me?
I hear you're hot, trotter.
- 'Cause I won on one lousy race?
- Well, you never know.
Seen dumber guys than you
win two in a row.
- Twenty-five, two, three...
- The funny thing is,
if I'd only bet
$2, I'd be up $28.
- I thought a hamburger cost $1.50?
- Honest mistake.
Why do you like
this faith healer?
How do you know
that I like faith healer?
You might be walking around
lucky and not even know it.
You know what I mean?
I just work here.
- You finished with that?
- Knock yourself out, pal.
Yo, Mr. Trotter.
Mr. Trotter, you have a minute?
What do you like in the third?
- Yeah. Seven horse.
- Seven horse. All right!
I won't forget this.
I will not forget this.
0 .. 700.
Let it ride.
Welcome home... on what?
A win ticket on faith healer.
Most guys get lucky,
they bet $3 on the next race.
Just give me the $50 win tickets
on number seven horse, please.
Trotter, you've shrunk.
I got an idea
to make a lot of money. Listen.
We take the tape,
we run down to the stables.
We confront the trainer
with the evidence.
With what he made
in the first race,
think he's gonna mind
slipping us $5,000?
I don't like blackmail
as much as the next guy.
I already got rid of the tape.
I just saved you
from a lengthy jail sentence.
I'll get you for this!
The horses have now reached
the starting gate.
Fifty bucks on June bug to win.
It's the same name as my cat.
Away they go!
They go to the top of the Lane, and
faith healer is going best of all...
Come on, faith healer!
Win, win, win!
- Yes!
Faith healer, going
off with every ride.
I'm never, never
going to forget this!
Neveh
Well, well, well!
I shall require your autograph.
And so will the IRS. You can't win
that kind of money without owning up.
2,450 dollars.
Thank you very much, sir.
My name is Greenberg.
- Vicki.
- Trotter.
I'm pleased.
I didn't realize we were having a
beauty contest at the track today.
- He thinks you won a beauty contest.
- I could have.
- If you didn't, I would have bought it.
- Bernie is rich.
- Nice to meet both of you.
- Thank you. Likewise.
- What are you on in the fifth?
- Who do you like in the fifth?
- Bernie lost his ass already today.
- Zip it!
Hey, you want to
know my philosophy?
Nobody knows you got money, what's
the hell is the use of having it?
I got a condo. The thing is worth
700% more than I paid for it.
I don't need a place that big.
Do I need that?
But I like space. Space!
- He likes space.
- Guess how many bathrooms it has.
I don't know. That's
how many it has.
He found six.
Six bathrooms.
I got to get even. I'm going
to bet a grand this time.
Excuse me.
- She's got very long legs.
- That right.
They go from my ass all the way
to the floor. My legs.
True.
Would you like to drink, sir?
- Any wild Turkey in season?
- Sir!
Kill one for me.
Thank you.
Have you a pen I might borrow?
- Will a pencil do?
- Yes, thank you.
You're welcome.
May I buy you a drink?
I don't see why
not. I'm on the pill.
Rum.
The horses for the fifth race
now coming onto the track.
- I like the number six horse.
- Lord Byron?
- I enjoy gambling.
- I'm having a good day.
Lord Byron, lord Byron...
Byron, poet,
poetas, poetamus, poetatus...
Poefic.
- Like this room.
- Yes.
Normally, I don't like
to bet the favorite,
but $2,500 times
two is five grand.
Do you come here
- often?
- Every day.
- Really? You gamble every day?
- Of course.
Do you...
Has gambling
affected your home life?
Ruined it.
Has gambling affected
your reputation?
Honey, some people like
to rub me for luck.
Hurry up with that rum.
- You feel lucky?
- I'm hot.
I can tell.
Lord Byron.
- I like lord Byron.
- I love lord Byron.
I think I'll go bet it.
- Hi, Charley.
- Hi, Vicki.
- Sorry.
- I'm terribly sorry.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry. Really.
- Can I get you anything?
- No, thanks.
- Flowers?
- No, thank you.
Quaaludes?
One more collision like that,
you're getting fitted for glasses.
Hey, what did I
do? What did I do?
There he is.
- You won't be picking any more pockets.
- What the hell is going on?
Let me see your ID.
- You have the right to remain silent.
- I want the right to bet lord Byron.
- Let's go, Morgan.
- Morgan? I'm not Morgan!
Vibes, tell them who I am.
Tell the police officers
who I am, vibes.
Officer, I have never
seen this man before in my life.
I'll kill you! I can't believe
you did this to me!
- We got Morgan here.
- I'm not Morgan!
- Do I look like a Morgan?
- Sit down and shut up. We got Morgan here.
- I am not Morgan, god damn it!
- Swearing in public's illegal.
- So is false arrest, pal.
- Home address?
You're not gonna
call my wife, are you?
The horses have
now reached the starting gate.
- This is costing me $5,000.
- Quiet!
- Blast him!
- You can't shoot a pickpocket!
- Out of the way.
- It must be a commercial.
Why are you handcuffed?
Out of the way.
He's going in. Vague lady a
little restless inside the gate.
The flag is up!
- He did it!
- What did I do?
Everything!
Mismatch moves
up on the outside...
How do you explain the $2,400
you got hidden in your shoes?
I'm having a very good day.
We're checking
on a Mr. Jay trotter.
I'm gonna kill you.
2232 flamingo Lane.
He said he used to work for you.
A shocking incident of bumping.
And lord Byron
has lost the rider.
Going through on the inside,
splendid reason...
Do you know him?
Splendid reason wins!
Lord Byron in front,
and arctic dancer...
There's a shocking
incident of bumping.
And lord Byron
has lost the rider.
That is a shocking
incident of bumping.
Splendid reason wins!
- I didn't lose.
- Arctic dancer second...
Weirder and weirder.
- I had the winner.
- I didn't lose.
I should have lost,
but I didn't lose.
There's a fine line
between winning and losing.
Yes, the finish line.
You know, when you have money, you
don't have to worry about losing.
I sell envelopes.
If I lose 10 grand at the track,
I add half a cent to the prices of
my oversized birthday envelopes.
I'll take six dozen.
Dr. Trotter, Dr. Jay trotter, please
pick up the nearest courtesy phone.
I'll be right back. Excuse me.
Come back, doctor.
Some doctor.
We are calling for
trainer Mel stutey.
Would you please contact
the jockey's room?
This is Dr. Trotter.
Follow me, please, sir.
Miss Vicki.
- Is that caviar fresh?
- Yes, sir. Quite.
And a little
champagne. Excellent.
Hi, honey, I knew it was you.
What's going on?
Trotter, sweetheart,
honey, darling,
help me out a bit here,
would you? What day is it?
It's Saturday, babe. Why?
Saturday. Good. I see.
Please, 'cause I don't want to
assume something
that I shouldn't, you know.
What time is it exactly?
It's 1:45, doll.
"It's 1:45, doll."
And where are you right now?
Pam, I'm in the jockey club.
You called me, remember?
Yes, of course.
So, if what you're
saying is true,
you are in the jockey club
at the racetrack
at 1:45, Saturday afternoon,
when you were supposed to be home at
12:30, starting our marriage over...
Low-life, son of a bitch.
What am I going to do with you?
You lousy bum! I hate
your guts, as usual.
- Pam, Pam, listen to me.
- God.
How could you do this to me?
Do you... excuse me, what
the hell am I talking about?
How could you not do this?
How could you not do this?
How could I expect you
to do anything but this?
- Pam...
- You know something?
You are hopeless, Jay. And I
am just as hopeless as you are
to even conceive that you would
have a smidgen of consideration
for my feelings. Jesus.
Excuse me, excuse me.
This is a private conversation.
Thank you so much. I really
appreciate it. Thank you, thank you.
You're lying, you're gambling,
you are making me hate you...
Mm rnnot gambling.
Rnnot gambling.
I am winning.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
No, no, really. I
wouldn't kid you.
I'm up $2,500. I'm
having a very good day.
Are you having a very good day?
Well, good day this, baby.
I'm calling my attorney, and you
know what I'm gonna tell him?
I'm going to tell him
to go for your balls.
- Pam, listen. Listen to me...
- You know, trotter, I think this is it.
I really do. I'm
finished. We are history.
Pam, listen to me. Don't panic.
I want you to get
all gussied up...
You want me to get gussied up?
What do you think...
I want you to come on down here.
I want you to see for yourself.
You are not gonna believe
what is going on here.
If I come down there, trotter,
you are going to be the one that is
not going to believe what's going on...
I want you to be here in half an hour.
I'll see you later. Goodbye. I love you.
Trotter? Trotter?
Maybe one more time,
but after that, no more.
I thought we'd find you
at that dump across the street.
That dump Marty's,
where all the pigs wallow.
I like your shoes. Where did
you buy them? A carpet sale?
Let me throw this
bum out the window.
I hope someday
you're two seconds late.
Where's your friend, looney?
- He's not my friend.
- Well, he's late, you see.
He's late with some money.
- I wouldn't know.
- Hundreds late.
Sickeningly late.
Bernie, I swear to god, I hate
this. Makes my stomach turn.
Next week, it's me
giving you this back.
The races make me nervous.
You can't beat an animal.
You friend looney's in trouble.
He bet the packers today.
- So?
- So, he bet them pretty hard.
They lost 75-10, and your pal
looney, went in for a nickel.
I thought he only bet $50.
Your friend looney's down $800,
and some change.
Which is a lot for a bum.
When you see your buddy, please,
please pass along this message,
"pay up."
"Ps, or else..."
Well, I don't really think that I'll
be seeing Mr. Looney any time soon.
Excuse me.
- Let's have another beer.
- Anybody seen looney?
I may go to the bank.
I may go to the bank
and draw some savings
and come back here,
and get back what we lost.
I am pretty mad, sid.
- You seen looney?
- Everybody's looking for looney.
Looney said you
were a real jerk.
Where is he?
Lufkin was in here looking
for him, too. He left a number.
Looney said you
turned on your friends.
- Where is he?
- He went to give blood.
Why don't we give blood, sid? It
would save us a trip to the bank.
I am pretty cheesed off about that
jockey falling off that damn horse, sid.
Looney!
- Looney!
- What?
Looney, what are you doing?
I'm being embalmed, if it's any
business of yours, which it isn't.
Lufkin is looking for you.
So, he says you're
over the limit.
Dead men can't pay up.
Don't go back to the track.
You know, I can't
believe you screwed me.
I didn't screw you!
I made the bet
that we were both going to bet.
Yeah, well, I lost 50 bucks on
the one named same as my cat.
And the seventh is one
named same as my apartment.
I'm going back. I
love it at the track.
Great place to spend the
afternoon with your best friend,
until he sneaks
off and screws you.
- I did not...
- You! Out.
Give my regards to those new pals of
yours at that whorehouse where you're...
Tell the guy back there that
his blood is rare or something.
Tell him he gets $20
rather than the regular $10.
His blood is rare. He gets $75.
Seventy-five?
Seventy-five twice a week
is $150. That's a lot of money.
A round of banana daiquiris.
- There's a "banana king" in the next race.
- Really?
Where's the money?
We're married.
Well, we're not.
Why don't you give me the money
for safekeeping?
- It's in my shoes.
- Give me the money.
- Purse snatchers all over this joint.
- Purse snatchers?
Put this on your list,
Mr. I won't gamble anymore.
What the hell happened to that?
Why don't you at least give me
some of the money
and you can keep 10 bucks
if you have to bet.
I mean, really, I don't see why you
people can't just watch the horses
run around the track
and not bet on them.
She's new.
So damn funny.
Because there is no racing
without betting.
- That's poetic.
- Oh, please.
- Airhead.
- Excuse me?
Look, I just don't want you to
lose all of our money, okay?
Pam, darling, sweetheart,
I'm begging you, be quiet.
If you don't give me that money right
now, I'm going to cause a scene.
Remember your mother's house?
The plate glass window?
- Okay.
- Okay, what?
Okay, I'm going
to the men's room.
Why are you going
to the men's room?
To take my shoes off.
I don't trust you as far
as I can throw you!
You don't want me to take
off my shoes here, do you?
You don't want me to make
a scene in the jockey club.
Terribly sorry.
Here comes the champ.
I mean it, you are the champ.
Believe me, you got more guts
than you got sense. I love it.
- Thanks.
- So, what do you want?
- I don't know.
- It's a house rule.
- You have to give me a number.
- I'll be right back.
I believe you will.
Excuse me, I'm taking a survey.
Who do you like?
I like the two horse.
It's got front wraps.
I always bet a horse
with front wraps.
Excuse me, I'm
taking a survey...
I'm telling you, big
money on the four.
Real money.
- Who do you like?
- I like the six.
That's the horse. That's it.
- Why?
- I always bet on five.
- Who do you like?
- Up yours, the number one horse.
- Thank you.
- I like the four. Number four. Four.
These other nags are gonna die.
They're so tired,
they'll get to the eighth pole,
they'll look like they're
standing still at a bus stop.
I'm taking the survey, Jack.
You take your own survey.
I like the six.
I like the four horse.
- The one horse.
- I like the sixth horse.
- Three.
- What do you mean, three?
Three to win. Let it ride.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
I mean, of sound mind and all that?
I'm not asking for a will.
I'm asking for 48 $50 win tickets
on three horse in the seventh race.
So, you want 48 $50 win tickets on
the three horse in the seventh race?
- That's right.
- So, I have to give you...
Forty-eight $50 win tickets
- on the three horse in the seventh race?
- No.
How much does 48 $50 win tickets
on the three horse
in the seventh race pay?
Forty-eight $50 win tickets
on the three horse
in the seventh race
at 25-i will pay you...
Approximately $69,000.
This is a lot of money.
Are you sure you don't want to
hold back a little, just in case?
In case what?
In case you get hungry or thirsty
before the end of the race.
Thanks.
It's quiet.
I do this for a living.
Been doing it for 15 years.
I play the circuit.
One track closes,
another one opens.
Some big places, some dumps.
And I've met all
kinds of characters,
but, believe me, pal,
you are the champ.
I really hope you win.
Yep, you're the
greatest I've ever seen.
- I'll tell my grandchildren about you.
- Thanks.
Will you escort
this gentleman to his seat,
then stay with him if necessary
till the end of the race?
Yes, sir.
Coming through!
You've been arrested?
Where's the money?
- I had to.
- Lying son of a bitch.
- Lay off him.
Would you just mind
your own business, dear?
She's pert, if you like pert.
Although hardly
nobody likes the three.
What the hell is
she talking about?
- Come on. You want another round?
- Don't.
You're sick. Somebody should put
you in a hospital. You know that?
I just got it. I just got
something really important.
After all these years, it's not
my gambling that you despised.
It's been my losing.
Trotter, I'm going to
end this marriage now,
because if I don't, I'm gonna
have a nervous breakdown.
I might be having
a nervous breakdown right now.
- I'm going home.
- Good.
Would you like me
to call you when I win?
We're having some problems.
Poor trotter.
Poor, poor trotter.
You're looking at 69 grand,
or you're looking at nothing.
I have a house in The Bahamas,
and I love a man with guts.
He's mine! You're mine.
The horses are approaching
the starting gate.
The horses have now reached
the starting gate.
The horses are all in line.
The flag is up!
And away they go!
Here comes rock it and moonbeams,
idle threat behind them.
- In second last, it's fleet dreams...
- Come on, fleet dreams!
Up yours on the
inside, rock it...
- Come on, four! Come on, four!
- Come on, fleet dreams!
Come on, four!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Come on, four!
It's up yours, then
fleet dreams...
Come on, baby! Come on, baby!
Rock it is in there,
and moonbeams...
Come on, baby,
you son of a bitch!
At second last, banana king is on
the outside. They come for home!
It's moonbeams and fleet dreams,
these two now. Up yours at the rail...
Moonbeams is in front, fleet dreams
is coming after him on the inside!
Moonbeams and fleet dreams,
up yours and banana king...
It's going to be moonbeams
or fleet dreams!
- Fleet dreams on the inside...
- Come on, come on!
Fleet dreams getting the lead!
Coming down to the wire,
it's fleet dreams...
- Fleet dreams has won it!
- Fuck.
You won!
You won! Fleet dreams won!
Your horse...
You're a millionaire!
I've had enough
of this. Come on.
Come on, come on.
- Get up, you crazy bitch.
- He's a millionaire.
Get out of here! Jesus Christ!
Did I win?
Son of a bitch! I won!
I won! Son of a
bitch! Son of a bitch!
Fucking flying son of a bitch!
Fucking flying whore!
God likes me! He
really, really likes me!
What a day! What a day!
What a fabulous day!
I'm having a fabulous day.
They ought to put a guard
on the back door,
so that sort
doesn't get in here.
Fix your goddamn skirt,
for Christ's sakes.
Okay, Bernie.
Can't hold his liquor.
You might have mentioned.
- What?
- The three horse.
You might have mentioned you
liked him, for Christ's sakes.
What, do you think I'm so rich,
I couldn't use some extra money?
You want to know how
I got the three horse?
You want to know how
I got the three horse?
I went out in the thing and I...
Screw it.
I hate people who
sneak around and bet.
I knew a kid in school
that covered up his answers
- like a real sissy.
- Who cares? Who cares?
Waiter,
more champagne.
We're very busy now, sir.
That's for all you
stuffy rat bastards.
I'm going to collect $69,000.
I'm hiring you for the rest of
the afternoon, 100 bucks an hour.
Don't worry about a thing.
Anybody makes a funny move,
shoot them on sight.
Hey, trotter.
No, it's okay. I know this guy.
Hey, pay up, you deadbeat.
No, no, no, don't shoot anybody
yet. I haven't collected my money.
You know, I don't
like you one fuck.
I hear another utterance of
profanity, I'll blast your head off.
- Really?
- That's correct.
- I lost the money from the blood bank.
- I'm not surprised.
Not on a horse. I got my
pocket picked in the men's room.
What is this? Social hour?
You owe me, you greasy
little bastard deadbeat.
I'm gonna get it, god damn it.
How much exactly does
Mr. Looney owe you?
Emhbfifiv
I was at Marty's, I was on the
phone. I was going to bet $50.
The next thing I know, I'm saying,
"give me 500 on the packers."
It was like somebody else
saying it, like a strange force.
Let him kill me!
I deserve to die.
I'll pay for looney
when I settle here, okay?
You don't have to do that.
I can get my own money.
- I'll kill somebody.
- Watch it!
When's the last time I had
a winning week? Look it up.
December 3rd, three
years ago, 22 bucks.
I'm a loser. Let him kill me.
I deserve to die!
When I collect here,
I'll settle looney's sheet.
I am committed to you
for the rest of my life.
You're the greatest
man that ever lived.
- I mean that.
- That sounds fine to me.
Sixty-nine thousand dollars.
I want five bottles of champagne
sent to fleet dreams' stall,
and I want two dozen roses
sent to the owner.
And a case of light beer
sent to the jockey.
I'm not kidding. All right,
government's gonna take half.
That's $34,500.
Eight on the buick,
$450 on furniture,
and Pam wants a goddamn
water cruise, that's...
- $30,000.
- That leaves me with $17,000.
And 12 years' rent, $200 for
champagne, $100 for roses.
- $40,000.
- For the beer.
100 for the broken glass
at the jockey club.
Eight-and-a-half
for looney's tab,
leaves me with zero, zero, zero.
Congratulations!
I'm broke.
- Looney...
- There's all kinds of love in this world.
- I got some really bad news, man.
- The kind of love I've got for you
- is man to man, as friend to friend.
- I can't afford this.
Because you're a
prince. You're my king.
Hell.
You'll be back.
Not me, pal. I've
seen the light.
- Hey, loon.
- Excuse me.
Mr. Loon to you, pal.
I hate to interrupt, but
somebody owes me some change.
Nobody make a false move.
He looks different.
I have peripheral vision.
It's a gift. I can see my ears.
There is now a guy throwing up
on the pool table on my left.
Two guys are asleep on the table
on the right.
One of the bulbs is
burnt out overhead.
There's a fly on the money box.
What is this crap?
- Hello.
- Hi, honey.
Don't "honey" me.
Besides, I'm drunk.
Pam, you know that race?
The one you left before?
I've decided to
become an alcoholic.
You know, it's really the healthiest thing
I've ever done for myself in my life.
I won.
We're pretty rich.
I'm going to drink every day,
all day, morning, noon and night.
Bottles of gin, beer, six packs... i'm
gonna hide the bottles around the house.
I'm never going to cook
or clean or take baths.
You can sell the bed if you want
to, make bets with it, okay?
'Cause I'll be passing out
on the floor from now on.
- Because...
- Pam.
I don't care about the refrigerator.
Sell the refrigerator, too.
Pam, all of the money is in
a little green box, sweetheart.
I haven't spent any of it.
- Pam.
- I am drinking gin
and flicking ashes on the floor.
Jay, I couldn't leave you.
So I decided this
is the only way.
- Pammy, honey...
- Now go make your little bet.
Give me a call when
you feel like it, I'll be here.
- Pam...
- Passed out in a pool of vomit.
Pam, I think we have to talk.
You can move back, Jay.
I missed you all the time.
Pam.
I really love you.
Well, that's very sweet.
- Pamela?
- I'm sorry, I dropped the phone.
Could you pick up some wine
on the way home? I love you.
Do you mean that?
Of course I do.
Mean what?
- Honey?
- Yeah?
What do you want to do
with the box of assets?
Honey, I'm home.
Pam? Pammy?
I didn't bet, honey.
Pam, we're rich.
I got you a little bubbly.
And I got you a
nice little gift here.
Honey? Honey?
Sweetie, honey?
Okay.
69,000 dollars.
Nine piles of tiles?
What does that mean?
Five of clubs.
This horse could only be ridden
by a Chinese jockey.
- In the first race.
- They raced horses for generations.
It's him, it's him!
He's here, he's here!
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
Trotter, trotter,
trotter, trotter!
Now, that's a man!
You know, all these bums here,
they all said
you were nothing but a quitter.
- But I defended you.
- Yeah!
A toast! To trotter!
You're all great friends.
And who needs money
when you got friends?
Don't worry, because we'll all be
here to pick you up when it's over!
I got an idea.
- You got a horse picked out?
- No.
- I'm hot, right?
- Yeah!
I am truly hot.
And there is nothing more
important than friendship.
Nothing.
- Here's what we're going to do.
- Yeah, yeah.
We're going to take everything
we've got. Everything I've got!
- And everything you've got.
- Yeah!
- Every last cent.
- Yeah!
We're going to put it all
together into one big pile.
And we're going
to bet it together.
Looney, I'm hot.
I'm hot! Listen to me.
This is the chance that
you have all been waiting for.
Next race, I'm
putting up 27 stars.
It's good, but I wouldn't
bet my grandma.
- I wouldn't bet mine, either.
- You don't understand.
Chocoholic.
- Sashay around!
- Chocoholic!
- Sashay around!
- Chocoholic!
What's the name of that six horse?
Let me see the name of the jockey.
There's something about the sound.
Diamondback. I don't know what it is.
Very good horse.
Trainer Tony Kelly, please
contact the steward '5 office.
- That's the guy.
- Yes.
Stay.
Guess who?
A football salesman?
No, it's me, Vicki.
- Hi, Vicki.
- Hi, trotter.
- What are you doing here?
- Nothing.
What are you
going to do, trotter?
I don't know.
- Where's your friend?
- Who, Bernie?
You know, you can
do better than that.
Well, a girl's gotta decide
what's important, money or love.
No one's giving anything away.
And Bernie has a lot of money,
which can come in
handy sometimes.
You know you're
a wonderful girl.
Thank you, trotter.
I'm getting a
little nervous now.
I was just thinking maybe I'd come
down and ask you to go to bed with me,
'cause I think you're
kind of funny, that's all.
Am I having a good day, or what?
- Vicki.
- What?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
- You're welcome.
But I'm in love with my wife.
Well, I just thought
I'd ask, that's all.
What is it they say? Nothing
ventured, nothing ventured.
Hey, trotter.
- What are you going to do?
- I know what he's not going to do.
- What are you going to do?
- I don't know.
Are you going to
bet on this race?
I don't know.
- Whatever you do, don't bet on that horse.
- Why not?
There's something wrong with its
eyes. It's blind or something.
How can they put
a horse like that in a race?
Let me get this straight,
whatever I do,
don't bet this horse?
- Looney, Vicki. Vicki, looney.
- Nice to meet you.
I may faint. Don't worry.
We got full medical coverage.
I'll be okay.
Let it ride.
- Is it all in there?
- Yeah.
I spent some on the little woman,
but basically, yeah, it's all there.
- There are all kinds of balls.
- One of his is crystal.
I can't give you $50 win tickets.
That's over 1,300 win tickets.
It'll jam the whole machine.
We'll be here till Christmas.
The counting room.
Right, I will now
issue you with a receipt
to the value of your wager,
which is $68,000,
on the number two horse,
which is called hot-to-trot.
- Should you lose this receipt...
- He's not gonna lose his receipt.
Right, now your bet will immediately
be routed through the computer
that adjusts the odds
on the tote board.
Hot-to-trot's sitting at 40-1.
A wager this size is going to
knock it down to maybe 8-1.
I must say you're very calm.
Most guys come in here, they're ready
to gnaw the legs off the tables.
Well, that's 'cause
I'm going to win.
You're a wonderful guy.
What a guy.
Probably some coke
dealer went nuts again.
Heavy better, make
room, heavy better...
Who do you like, Evangeline?
I am going to bet all 200 of my dollars
on the four horse, stargazer, to show.
- Of course I could lose.
- Stay calm.
- What if I lost?
- It's too late.
All right, okay. Come on, trotter.
It doesn't matter. Okay. All right.
I had lobster, a few drinks.
Bought my wife a diamond
necklace. I'm okay, I'm okay.
I settled looney's tab,
made a few friends,
like you and Vicki,
the ticket seller.
You can't put a price tag on a
day like that, can you, reardon?
That's money for a ride home, and
dinner out somewhere, if I lose.
But if I win,
reardon, if I win...
That is him!
Trotter, I was getting
worried about you.
- I bet $20 on the favorite.
- What an asshole.
I put every penny on the
number two horse, hot-to-trot.
You know, when the odds went to 8-1,
I knew it! He pissed it all away!
May the best horse win.
- The two horse!
- Hot-to-trot!
I think the two horse was
limping coming out of the gate.
Shut up or I'll kill you,
you pessimistic jinx!
I can't see! I'm going blind!
Run, you son of a bitch!
Come on, hot-to-trot! Come on!
Please, I swear
to god I'll stop!
- I always swear I'll quit smoking.
- I don't think so.
Listen, I bet you swore to god
something secretly.
You ignorant bastard. Who do you
think you are, Jimmy swaggart?
This is a horse race,
for crying out loud.
It just doesn't work that way.
If my horse loses, I'm gonna
wring your chicken neck.
I can't see the two horse!
What do you see?
Your horse is on the outside.
- Stay on the track!
- The horse can't hear you!
Come on, stargazer,
move it! Move it!
Just keep the horse
out of the money,
I swear I'll give up
my smut collection.
Hey, there's two horses pulled
away, and one of them's yours.
More ground to cover!
Dropping out of it.
I'll leave Bernie. Pure love from now on.
I'll go for some poor guy with nothing.
Let him have it. I don't
care about the lousy $200.
Marry me?
They've now got three-eighths
of a mile left to go.
They're pecker to pecker!
- Stargazer on the inside...
- Come on! Please!
You can't shine a
flashlight between them.
It's stargazer on the outside...
I'm getting something.
Lord, give that punk a break.
It's the two! It's the
two! Come on, two!
Two!
- You can do it, two!
- Yes, yes!
Come on!
I got it.
Stargazer just in front, but
hot-to-trot's coming up on the outside!
Hot-to-trot or stargazer,
and at the wire, it's... my god!
Thank god I'm poor and don't have
to worry about finishes like that!
I knew it, I knew it.
- What the hell did he know?
- We knew it.
Wouldn't it be hell
if that horse gets disqualified?
Looney!
I knew it.
Pardon me.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Thank you, sweetheart. That
was really very sweet, honey.
I bet it all, honey.
I let it all ride.
It's only money.
Let the guy have it, will you?
He's a sweet little fella.
Winner of the tenth
race, number two!
Why are they cheering?
Because I'm having
a very good day.
better care of myself.
- I won't nag.
- I'll always remember to call.
I will not lose my temper
in public anymore.
- I won't gamble so much.
- I won't worry so much about money.
I won't worry so
much about money.
Okay, let's
synchronize your watch.
Okay.
10:27, and I'll be finished at
noon. I can be home by 12:30.
I can shower, shave, take a nap,
have a bit of lunch.
And by quarter to 1:00,
we could be having sex.
You know, I figured out my problem.
I got the whole thing figured out.
Yeah? Share it with me.
God hates me.
Jay, god loves everybody.
Not this horse. That's why
I'd like to have one day...
You'll never understand.
It's okay, it's okay,
it doesn't mean anything.
It's all right. It's
not important.
I would like to understand this.
I'd like to be a better listener.
Why don't you
explain this to me.
Sometimes you can be walking
around lucky and not know it.
- Excuse me?
- The fortune.
That's what it says,
that's what the fortune says.
"Sometimes you can be walking
around lucky and not know it."
Lovely. Well, you
know what mine says?
- "Stand by your man."
- Fabulous.
I think I'll save that. Take
another. Here, take this.
No, I'll take the other one. You
ruined that one. I'll take this one.
- How could I ruin it?
- You touched it. See...
- I didn't open it...
- If you touch it, it's your fortune.
It's pointing to you.
How do you know what it means?
- There are rules. Just follow the rules.
- What?
The international rules of fortune
cookie taking? Want me to lose my temper?
- Look...
- Excuse me.
Sorry. Would you mind
telling my wife what happens
when you touch
another person's cookie?
- It's no good anymore.
- See?
Who the hell is this guy?
I never heard that.
- What?
- You see, you have to open the cookie.
- That's not true. No, no, no.
- Yeah, then it's your fortune.
What are you, an authority?
Shut up and eat your dinner.
No, you got to eat it, if you
don't eat it, it doesn't count.
- I don't believe this.
- It's only a cookie.
It is not just a cookie!
- Where to, pal?
- Ramada inn.
Hewihean
- he can't hear.
- I can't. My husband...
Is a jealous man.
Okay, but I won't
wear the pillowcase.
Can I call my wife?
- The horse, it's worth five or six grand.
- Those the papers?
Wait a minute. Sam,
are you telling me
you had the boy hold charity
back for the last eight races?
No, I'm not telling you that.
That would be illegal.
Just give me the five grand.
I'm good for it.
'Cause the goddamn track officials
will be all over your ass.
I swear, the only way
charity can lose on Saturday
is if she's struck by lightning
in the starting gate.
Bet the horse heavy. You'll
laugh all the way to the bank.
I got some fabulous smut that you're
going to love. Listen to this.
I have no interest
in listening to your filth.
There's a piece of
business on here,
this guy puts a pillowcase
over this babe's head.
You're not gonna
believe what they said.
Bet the horse heavy. You'll
laugh all the way to the bank.
- Wait a minute. I went a little too far.
- What was that?
It was nothing. I want you
to hear this kinky business.
No, no, no. I just
want to hear that back.
- It's nothing.
- If it's nothing, play it back.
- What's my end?
- You get the tip of your life.
Bet the horse heavy. You'll
laugh all the way to the bank.
Are you telling me you had the boy hold
charity back for the last eight races?
No, I'm not telling you that.
That would be illegal.
'Cause the goddamn track officials
will be all over your ass.
I swear, the only way
charity can lose on Saturday
is if she's struck by lightning
in the starting gate.
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
This is incredible!
I can't believe this!
- Who would believe bullshit like that?
- What?
This is too good to be true. You
can't believe stuff like that.
You are a jackass.
You know that? The man just said
that the only way this horse can
lose is if lightning strikes.
What do you like?
You like the odds on lightning?
I like the fact that these are
two guys rehearsing for a play.
Just give me a break. What did he say?
The horse is gonna run on Saturday.
What is it now? It's...
It's Saturday right now.
Trotter, what's the
matter with you?
I don't know. I feel different.
Yeah, different than what?
I can't explain this.
Play the tape again.
Remember something?
You gave up gambling.
This isn't gambling.
This would not be gambling.
Gambling involves risk. It involves
chance. It involves uncertainty.
This is just taking advantage of an
extraordinary business opportunity.
If charity loses, I
want my $5,000,
plus an additional two grand
for the taxi driver.
Watch my lips.
The only way charity loses this race
is if she gets struck by lightning.
Yeah, lightning...
Are you telling me you had the boy hold
charity back for eight straight races?
No, I'm not telling you that.
That would be illegal.
'Cause the goddamn track officials
will be all over your ass.
I swear to you, the only way
charity is going to lose this race
is if she gets struck by
lightning in the starting gate.
You get the tip of your life.
Bet the horse heavy. You'll
laugh all the way to the bank.
Are you telling me you had the boy
hold charity back for eight races?
It doesn't look bad, but the
horse'll probably swallow its tongue.
We're putting everything we've
got on charity's hot little nose.
Hot nose? What? Is
she sick or something?
Well, besides, I
only got 10 bucks.
Don't worry. I got 100 bucks stashed
away for a day just like this.
Well, I'm not you.
Had the daily double.
Had the daily double.
Had the daily double. Yes, sir!
Yes, sir. Here you are,
have the daily double.
- What are you buying that shit for?
- He had the daily double.
Will you stop acting like some
hick that just fell off the bus?
- 18 months ago.
- So sue me.
100 tip sheets at $3 a piece.
That's seven racetracks a day.
Seven tracks makes it 700 racing days
a year. That's $1,400,000 a year.
I know it's a lot of money,
but what can I say?
You really like
chiquita's banana in the first?
Had the daily double.
Had the daily double.
I got a bad leg. Why don't you take this
$20 and go bet the sixth horse for me.
Bring me back the ticket, honey.
It's a living.
- This is your half.
- For me?
Put it under your tongue.
Let's go across
the street. Come on.
Let's get a beer.
I don't know, I feel different
today. Today is not like yesterday.
Well, yesterday was hot.
Today is very hot.
Hey, hey, how about a beer and
two aspirins? And two maalox.
Hello, vibes.
No, this is bullshit,
you're always talking bullshit.
- I think he's dead.
- Hey, looney, here it is.
- Charity, the four horse.
- Might be a late scratch.
- 40-1 odds in the morning line. Jesus.
- They'll bet that down.
I like the packers.
I'm not kidding. This
horse is a real dog.
Listen to this, "not
in this lifetime."
Perfect.
I might bet a half on the
packers. Just for the hell of it.
Who knows? They
may not lose too bad.
Who knows? Maybe you'll get
a discount for coming close.
I'm calling lufkin.
Trotter, I told you about my
32-star system, right?
Well, I haven't put up
a 40-star system in years.
First race, blurred image is it.
Blurred image, this is a
name that trips off your tongue.
Give me the number
of blurred image.
- Seven.
- No way on earth.
Bullshit. No way on earth.
You bet an American horse
with a foreign jockey up,
- there's bound to be...
- It's eight. I'd stake my life.
- They got a $2 minimum bet.
- Lo fat? What's that, milk?
This horse stinks, but I'm betting
150 right on his frigging nose.
- 150 what?
- The number's the key.
The od ds?
The number came to me
just as you walked in the door.
- I thought you were dead.
- No, I was getting the number.
I'm telling you,
the number is eight.
Look, first of all,
I clear my mind of everything.
That shouldn't take long.
- Look at that. Could be worse.
- You've got to pay attention.
Just relax.
Good. You can't think of
nothing. Not even women.
I'm telling you, two jugs pop up, it'll
take 17 minutes to get rid of them.
How about a beer?
A number is going
to flash. Four.
Six, nine...
It's gonna be moving like a son of a
bitch, you gotta keep your eyes open.
Now, in sports where you
need teams, letters appear.
- I see a d.
- That could be Dallas or Denver.
- Or "da giants."
- Right!
- Oh, god.
- Trotter, what's the matter?
I just saw my life
flash in front of my eyes.
- What did it look like?
- It was going down the drain.
Do you realize we just had a minor
vibe on the five horse, sink or swim?
Your life is going
down the drain, right?
"Sink, drain."
Don't you get this connection?
- Oh, god.
- That's incredible.
Hey, I'm trying to
educate you guys.
God damn, the two
horse in the second race
is a mortal lock and I'm
going to wheel him.
Boys, meet Evangeline.
Evangeline, meet the boys. Looney,
vibes, Marty. Where's trotter?
I don't belong here
with these losers...
You know that.
I belong over in
the jockey club,
talking to guys
with all their teeth.
Look, i.
I know you're trying
to give me a break.
Just let me win this once.
Just let me win
this one last one.
And I'll be able to make
everything up to Pam,
and I'll be out of the hole,
and I'll be on my way.
Okay? I will, I swear.
I'm due.
- Yeah, so's Jesus.
- There's no soap over here.
- No shit.
- Let it ride.
Let it ride? I hate this place.
Can I see some ID, miss?
- She's 19.
- I got a dog 19.
Who's her orthodontist?
Ray Charles?
- Sidney. Don't...
- Let me. Let me.
I see. Let me.
I think I got it, I got it.
There you go. That better?
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
Today's main track is listed as fast.
The turf course, firm.
Please note that this afternoon's
main race has been taken off the turf
and will be run at a mile and
one-sixteenth on the main track.
- That the one?
- Yeah, that's the one.
- Hi, Evangeline.
- Hi. It's my first time at the track.
- Trotter, over here!
- Excuse me. Pardon me.
There you go.
- Trotter.
- Sidney.
Look at the five horse.
Looks like it's asleep.
You take a horse with a large ass in
a field like this, you got a winner.
- Who do you like?
- He likes the four horse.
Thank you for
shooting your mouth off.
- The four horse? It's got leprosy.
- The coat's a little rough...
Why are you talking to people?
This is a horse race.
This isn't the Olympics.
I like charity, too.
He's got a cute nose.
The five horse is a mortal lock.
You can play a tune
on the three horse's ribs.
They're so pretty.
Charity's conscious.
Hey, look, there he
is. There's the guy...
Keep your voice down, please.
This is in the bag.
Last-minute strategy.
He's probably telling him
to go wide on the first turn.
Go fast and win.
Go fast and win.
He made the bet. Let's go.
You really think
charity can win?
- Do I really think charity can win?
- Yeah.
Well, I am walking around
in yesterday's suit.
And I do recall
just recently telling my wife
that I was gonna stop gambling
and that I was to move back home
right after work this morning.
If I listen closely, I hear my wife
telling our attorney, "go for his balls!"
And you're really asking me
whether I think charity can win?
- Yeah.
- Yes, I think charity can win.
Well, I think charity is
gonna lose by a nose.
We are calling for
trainer a.J. Brady.
Trainer a.J. Brady,
please contact the stewards.
Ladies and gentlemen, please note
that in this afternoon '5 eighth race,
number seven, hasty flyer, will now
be included on today's placing list.
Some relative die? I'm sorry.
Hi, cheeseburger.
Hey, trotter, trotter,
who do you like in the first?
Who do you like? Come on.
Come on, tell me.
Come on, it's cheese.
Who do you like?
Come on, tell me.
- The number four horse.
- Come again?
- The number four horse.
- Four...
Nobody in his right mind
bets the four horse.
The four horse
is a joke, trotter.
I love this guy.
They put little kids on the four
horse to have their pictures taken.
Excuse me, the guy here with
Sammy Davis Jr. around his neck
is bothering the customers.
Can I get some help around here?
Hey, everybody, trotter's
betting the four horse.
Hey, watch it, watch it.
Hey, trotter, the four horse
is a goddamn clydesdale.
I would like one win ticket on
the number four horse, please.
This is the $50 window.
The $5 window
is just over there.
Give me a win ticket on the number
four horse, charity, please.
- Thank you.
- Believe me, it was nothing.
Trotter, isn't this exciting?
The flamingos, the fresh air.
- Did you bet?
- Yeah!
The horses have now reached
the starting gate
for the first race
of the afternoon.
A reminder of the late
scratch in here, vagabond star.
Fresh air and conviviality are
very important to one's well-being.
Can we have two spots on the rail, and
I'll pay you after the fourth race?
Oh, boy.
- There you go.
- $5 a space, 23, 24 spaces a race,
nine races a day is...
- $1,400 a day. That's a lot.
- Yeah, for being big.
The horses have now reached
the starting gate.
Marty's horse looks suicidal.
Who do you like in the first?
The four horse?
- Hey, down in front, you big lug.
- Who said that?
Here comes the assistant starters
now to take the hold of the runners.
They're going in.
Here's burgles delight
in the inside gate,
joined by dream roadblock,
going in quietly.
Shy ruler will be the next one.
He goes without any problem.
- Trotter, I got a bad feeling.
- No, no.
In order for you to have a bad feeling,
you've got to have had a good feeling,
so you have no
frame of reference.
Charity hesitated momentarily, but
there goes charity, in quietly now.
Sink or swim coming forward, then it'll
be chiquita banana and blurred image.
Guys and dolls forward.
The flag is up!
Away they go!
It's sink or swim,
then shy ruler.
Then dream roadblock...
- Still a long way to go.
- One more word, I'll kill you.
Guys and dolls, the last pair.
On to the back stretch they go,
the long shot,
charity, opening up to lead
by three lengths.
Shy ruler in second,
then it's sink or swim.
The favorite, blurred image, in the
middle of the pack, then it's lo fat...
Guys and dolls is last.
Coming to the quarter pole, still
charity, blurred image on the outside.
Blurred image. That's Marty's horse.
He might've picked himself a winner.
Blurred image is coming in...
Don't do this to me.
Blurred image,
charity's final try...
She's dying.
Charity on the inside, blurred
image coming up alongside...
I thought we had a deal.
Who won? Who won?
- Who won?
- Photo.
Photo? It was a photo?
I'm so glad I
decided not to bet.
- You didn't bet?
- I would've had a heart attack.
That's why I only bet $2
on the longest shot there is,
so I don't get my heart pulled.
- Why is it on so long?
- Blurred image was Marty's horse.
He would be thrilled
to pieces if he won.
I don't deserve this anguish.
Are you all right?
Have some nice beer.
I quit drinking.
Photo sign went
off, they got a winner.
The winner of today's first
race, number four, charity...
- My god, trotter, it's official, you won.
- Second, blurred image,
third, number two,
dream roadblock.
The winning time
in today's first race, 1:36...
28:40, you're rich!
Is that official?
I can't believe
I didn't bet that.
What wonderful people.
I'd hate to walk around
this joint with $700 cash.
710, and you'll never
have that problem,
because the only reason I won
is that you didn't bet.
You are the unluckiest person
in the world.
- Am not!
- Am!
- Am not!
- Am!
Who do you like in the second?
The six horse looks pretty good.
- You got a brother?
- In Cleveland.
Call him up. Ask him who he
likes. I figure it's in the blood.
You had it. You were the
one who had it. You had it.
You knew. You're the unluckiest
person in the world.
You don't have to get personal.
Congratulations.
You got the long shot.
Twenty, 40, 60, 80, one...
- Down payment on a new fridge.
- 80, two...
- Eighty, three...
- Towards the rent.
- Eighty, four, five...
- Flowers for Pam. Dinner for Pam and me.
- Six.
- Parking tickets.
This is $710.
I'm rich!
Hey, trotter, long time no see.
Let's see, what is
that? 30 to 40 a day,
180 to $200 a week,
$720 a month...
- It's not a lot of money.
- No, no.
I got kids in college.
This dollar will pay
for a minute's tuition.
Buy yourself a new joke.
- Walking tall.
- Thank you.
The head of the beer contains
all the vitamins and minerals.
Everything you need to live
is all right there.
A's, b's, c's...
There you go.
- You don't take this one?
- Are you serious?
You look a little taller.
Anybody want a beer
before I go home?
Hear you had a big win, trotter.
Yeah, he hit the long shot.
I'm buying.
You know, I may not
have a bunch of money,
but at least I got the piece of mind
to when I know I did the right thing,
which is not betting
on a sure thing.
I knew a guy once, comes to the
track, hits a $75 daily double.
Has to borrow money to get home.
You know, I told you guys
which horse I was going to bet.
Remember the time you
rat-holed a five up your ass?
He was so broke
by the last race,
he had to drop his pants right in
front of the window to get at it.
A winner knows
when it's time to quit.
What a race.
I can't believe we really won.
It was that photo.
- Excuse me, excuse me!
- Did you see that thing?
My name is trotter.
I have a very close friend
who drives a cab.
It's just a coincidence, but what
he likes to do to pass the time,
is to make tapes...
- I knew something would go wrong.
- Got the tape?
- God damn it!
- No, no, actually, I...
What do you want?
We didn't do anything.
How much do you want?
No, I just won $710 on charity, and
I just came down here to thank you.
How much?
I was only here for the first
race. I'm on my way home.
What do you want?
- I'm not a blackmailer.
- How much?
- Take the tape.
- Where's the original?
That's it. There are no copies.
I'm not a crook.
Neither am I...
Hey, I thought we had it won,
but you never know.
I agree, I agree. Even when
you know, you never know.
- Yeah, I know.
- Exactly. This is the only tape?
- Yeah, that's it.
- How did you like that photo?
- Tense. Yes.
- You didn't make a copy?
I just came down
here to say hello.
I'm on my way home.
There's a horse in the third
race. Got a good chance.
This is the only tape?
Absolutely.
The reason I like
this horse a little,
my jockey says the jockey
riding this faith healer
has got a grand riding on him.
The last grand this loser saw
was the Grand Canyon.
Then I must have borrowed it.
- Faith healer? Seven horse.
- I got a couple of bucks on him.
- Put 10 bucks on him. Who knows?
- Who knows?
Look, I have to go home.
Take my seat at the jockey club.
And take this. You
might need it. You know?
- You never know.
- No, you never know. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Give me a burger.
- One burger.
- Why do you like this faith healer?
- Talking to me?
I hear you're hot, trotter.
- 'Cause I won on one lousy race?
- Well, you never know.
Seen dumber guys than you
win two in a row.
- Twenty-five, two, three...
- The funny thing is,
if I'd only bet
$2, I'd be up $28.
- I thought a hamburger cost $1.50?
- Honest mistake.
Why do you like
this faith healer?
How do you know
that I like faith healer?
You might be walking around
lucky and not even know it.
You know what I mean?
I just work here.
- You finished with that?
- Knock yourself out, pal.
Yo, Mr. Trotter.
Mr. Trotter, you have a minute?
What do you like in the third?
- Yeah. Seven horse.
- Seven horse. All right!
I won't forget this.
I will not forget this.
0 .. 700.
Let it ride.
Welcome home... on what?
A win ticket on faith healer.
Most guys get lucky,
they bet $3 on the next race.
Just give me the $50 win tickets
on number seven horse, please.
Trotter, you've shrunk.
I got an idea
to make a lot of money. Listen.
We take the tape,
we run down to the stables.
We confront the trainer
with the evidence.
With what he made
in the first race,
think he's gonna mind
slipping us $5,000?
I don't like blackmail
as much as the next guy.
I already got rid of the tape.
I just saved you
from a lengthy jail sentence.
I'll get you for this!
The horses have now reached
the starting gate.
Fifty bucks on June bug to win.
It's the same name as my cat.
Away they go!
They go to the top of the Lane, and
faith healer is going best of all...
Come on, faith healer!
Win, win, win!
- Yes!
Faith healer, going
off with every ride.
I'm never, never
going to forget this!
Neveh
Well, well, well!
I shall require your autograph.
And so will the IRS. You can't win
that kind of money without owning up.
2,450 dollars.
Thank you very much, sir.
My name is Greenberg.
- Vicki.
- Trotter.
I'm pleased.
I didn't realize we were having a
beauty contest at the track today.
- He thinks you won a beauty contest.
- I could have.
- If you didn't, I would have bought it.
- Bernie is rich.
- Nice to meet both of you.
- Thank you. Likewise.
- What are you on in the fifth?
- Who do you like in the fifth?
- Bernie lost his ass already today.
- Zip it!
Hey, you want to
know my philosophy?
Nobody knows you got money, what's
the hell is the use of having it?
I got a condo. The thing is worth
700% more than I paid for it.
I don't need a place that big.
Do I need that?
But I like space. Space!
- He likes space.
- Guess how many bathrooms it has.
I don't know. That's
how many it has.
He found six.
Six bathrooms.
I got to get even. I'm going
to bet a grand this time.
Excuse me.
- She's got very long legs.
- That right.
They go from my ass all the way
to the floor. My legs.
True.
Would you like to drink, sir?
- Any wild Turkey in season?
- Sir!
Kill one for me.
Thank you.
Have you a pen I might borrow?
- Will a pencil do?
- Yes, thank you.
You're welcome.
May I buy you a drink?
I don't see why
not. I'm on the pill.
Rum.
The horses for the fifth race
now coming onto the track.
- I like the number six horse.
- Lord Byron?
- I enjoy gambling.
- I'm having a good day.
Lord Byron, lord Byron...
Byron, poet,
poetas, poetamus, poetatus...
Poefic.
- Like this room.
- Yes.
Normally, I don't like
to bet the favorite,
but $2,500 times
two is five grand.
Do you come here
- often?
- Every day.
- Really? You gamble every day?
- Of course.
Do you...
Has gambling
affected your home life?
Ruined it.
Has gambling affected
your reputation?
Honey, some people like
to rub me for luck.
Hurry up with that rum.
- You feel lucky?
- I'm hot.
I can tell.
Lord Byron.
- I like lord Byron.
- I love lord Byron.
I think I'll go bet it.
- Hi, Charley.
- Hi, Vicki.
- Sorry.
- I'm terribly sorry.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry. Really.
- Can I get you anything?
- No, thanks.
- Flowers?
- No, thank you.
Quaaludes?
One more collision like that,
you're getting fitted for glasses.
Hey, what did I
do? What did I do?
There he is.
- You won't be picking any more pockets.
- What the hell is going on?
Let me see your ID.
- You have the right to remain silent.
- I want the right to bet lord Byron.
- Let's go, Morgan.
- Morgan? I'm not Morgan!
Vibes, tell them who I am.
Tell the police officers
who I am, vibes.
Officer, I have never
seen this man before in my life.
I'll kill you! I can't believe
you did this to me!
- We got Morgan here.
- I'm not Morgan!
- Do I look like a Morgan?
- Sit down and shut up. We got Morgan here.
- I am not Morgan, god damn it!
- Swearing in public's illegal.
- So is false arrest, pal.
- Home address?
You're not gonna
call my wife, are you?
The horses have
now reached the starting gate.
- This is costing me $5,000.
- Quiet!
- Blast him!
- You can't shoot a pickpocket!
- Out of the way.
- It must be a commercial.
Why are you handcuffed?
Out of the way.
He's going in. Vague lady a
little restless inside the gate.
The flag is up!
- He did it!
- What did I do?
Everything!
Mismatch moves
up on the outside...
How do you explain the $2,400
you got hidden in your shoes?
I'm having a very good day.
We're checking
on a Mr. Jay trotter.
I'm gonna kill you.
2232 flamingo Lane.
He said he used to work for you.
A shocking incident of bumping.
And lord Byron
has lost the rider.
Going through on the inside,
splendid reason...
Do you know him?
Splendid reason wins!
Lord Byron in front,
and arctic dancer...
There's a shocking
incident of bumping.
And lord Byron
has lost the rider.
That is a shocking
incident of bumping.
Splendid reason wins!
- I didn't lose.
- Arctic dancer second...
Weirder and weirder.
- I had the winner.
- I didn't lose.
I should have lost,
but I didn't lose.
There's a fine line
between winning and losing.
Yes, the finish line.
You know, when you have money, you
don't have to worry about losing.
I sell envelopes.
If I lose 10 grand at the track,
I add half a cent to the prices of
my oversized birthday envelopes.
I'll take six dozen.
Dr. Trotter, Dr. Jay trotter, please
pick up the nearest courtesy phone.
I'll be right back. Excuse me.
Come back, doctor.
Some doctor.
We are calling for
trainer Mel stutey.
Would you please contact
the jockey's room?
This is Dr. Trotter.
Follow me, please, sir.
Miss Vicki.
- Is that caviar fresh?
- Yes, sir. Quite.
And a little
champagne. Excellent.
Hi, honey, I knew it was you.
What's going on?
Trotter, sweetheart,
honey, darling,
help me out a bit here,
would you? What day is it?
It's Saturday, babe. Why?
Saturday. Good. I see.
Please, 'cause I don't want to
assume something
that I shouldn't, you know.
What time is it exactly?
It's 1:45, doll.
"It's 1:45, doll."
And where are you right now?
Pam, I'm in the jockey club.
You called me, remember?
Yes, of course.
So, if what you're
saying is true,
you are in the jockey club
at the racetrack
at 1:45, Saturday afternoon,
when you were supposed to be home at
12:30, starting our marriage over...
Low-life, son of a bitch.
What am I going to do with you?
You lousy bum! I hate
your guts, as usual.
- Pam, Pam, listen to me.
- God.
How could you do this to me?
Do you... excuse me, what
the hell am I talking about?
How could you not do this?
How could you not do this?
How could I expect you
to do anything but this?
- Pam...
- You know something?
You are hopeless, Jay. And I
am just as hopeless as you are
to even conceive that you would
have a smidgen of consideration
for my feelings. Jesus.
Excuse me, excuse me.
This is a private conversation.
Thank you so much. I really
appreciate it. Thank you, thank you.
You're lying, you're gambling,
you are making me hate you...
Mm rnnot gambling.
Rnnot gambling.
I am winning.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
No, no, really. I
wouldn't kid you.
I'm up $2,500. I'm
having a very good day.
Are you having a very good day?
Well, good day this, baby.
I'm calling my attorney, and you
know what I'm gonna tell him?
I'm going to tell him
to go for your balls.
- Pam, listen. Listen to me...
- You know, trotter, I think this is it.
I really do. I'm
finished. We are history.
Pam, listen to me. Don't panic.
I want you to get
all gussied up...
You want me to get gussied up?
What do you think...
I want you to come on down here.
I want you to see for yourself.
You are not gonna believe
what is going on here.
If I come down there, trotter,
you are going to be the one that is
not going to believe what's going on...
I want you to be here in half an hour.
I'll see you later. Goodbye. I love you.
Trotter? Trotter?
Maybe one more time,
but after that, no more.
I thought we'd find you
at that dump across the street.
That dump Marty's,
where all the pigs wallow.
I like your shoes. Where did
you buy them? A carpet sale?
Let me throw this
bum out the window.
I hope someday
you're two seconds late.
Where's your friend, looney?
- He's not my friend.
- Well, he's late, you see.
He's late with some money.
- I wouldn't know.
- Hundreds late.
Sickeningly late.
Bernie, I swear to god, I hate
this. Makes my stomach turn.
Next week, it's me
giving you this back.
The races make me nervous.
You can't beat an animal.
You friend looney's in trouble.
He bet the packers today.
- So?
- So, he bet them pretty hard.
They lost 75-10, and your pal
looney, went in for a nickel.
I thought he only bet $50.
Your friend looney's down $800,
and some change.
Which is a lot for a bum.
When you see your buddy, please,
please pass along this message,
"pay up."
"Ps, or else..."
Well, I don't really think that I'll
be seeing Mr. Looney any time soon.
Excuse me.
- Let's have another beer.
- Anybody seen looney?
I may go to the bank.
I may go to the bank
and draw some savings
and come back here,
and get back what we lost.
I am pretty mad, sid.
- You seen looney?
- Everybody's looking for looney.
Looney said you
were a real jerk.
Where is he?
Lufkin was in here looking
for him, too. He left a number.
Looney said you
turned on your friends.
- Where is he?
- He went to give blood.
Why don't we give blood, sid? It
would save us a trip to the bank.
I am pretty cheesed off about that
jockey falling off that damn horse, sid.
Looney!
- Looney!
- What?
Looney, what are you doing?
I'm being embalmed, if it's any
business of yours, which it isn't.
Lufkin is looking for you.
So, he says you're
over the limit.
Dead men can't pay up.
Don't go back to the track.
You know, I can't
believe you screwed me.
I didn't screw you!
I made the bet
that we were both going to bet.
Yeah, well, I lost 50 bucks on
the one named same as my cat.
And the seventh is one
named same as my apartment.
I'm going back. I
love it at the track.
Great place to spend the
afternoon with your best friend,
until he sneaks
off and screws you.
- I did not...
- You! Out.
Give my regards to those new pals of
yours at that whorehouse where you're...
Tell the guy back there that
his blood is rare or something.
Tell him he gets $20
rather than the regular $10.
His blood is rare. He gets $75.
Seventy-five?
Seventy-five twice a week
is $150. That's a lot of money.
A round of banana daiquiris.
- There's a "banana king" in the next race.
- Really?
Where's the money?
We're married.
Well, we're not.
Why don't you give me the money
for safekeeping?
- It's in my shoes.
- Give me the money.
- Purse snatchers all over this joint.
- Purse snatchers?
Put this on your list,
Mr. I won't gamble anymore.
What the hell happened to that?
Why don't you at least give me
some of the money
and you can keep 10 bucks
if you have to bet.
I mean, really, I don't see why you
people can't just watch the horses
run around the track
and not bet on them.
She's new.
So damn funny.
Because there is no racing
without betting.
- That's poetic.
- Oh, please.
- Airhead.
- Excuse me?
Look, I just don't want you to
lose all of our money, okay?
Pam, darling, sweetheart,
I'm begging you, be quiet.
If you don't give me that money right
now, I'm going to cause a scene.
Remember your mother's house?
The plate glass window?
- Okay.
- Okay, what?
Okay, I'm going
to the men's room.
Why are you going
to the men's room?
To take my shoes off.
I don't trust you as far
as I can throw you!
You don't want me to take
off my shoes here, do you?
You don't want me to make
a scene in the jockey club.
Terribly sorry.
Here comes the champ.
I mean it, you are the champ.
Believe me, you got more guts
than you got sense. I love it.
- Thanks.
- So, what do you want?
- I don't know.
- It's a house rule.
- You have to give me a number.
- I'll be right back.
I believe you will.
Excuse me, I'm taking a survey.
Who do you like?
I like the two horse.
It's got front wraps.
I always bet a horse
with front wraps.
Excuse me, I'm
taking a survey...
I'm telling you, big
money on the four.
Real money.
- Who do you like?
- I like the six.
That's the horse. That's it.
- Why?
- I always bet on five.
- Who do you like?
- Up yours, the number one horse.
- Thank you.
- I like the four. Number four. Four.
These other nags are gonna die.
They're so tired,
they'll get to the eighth pole,
they'll look like they're
standing still at a bus stop.
I'm taking the survey, Jack.
You take your own survey.
I like the six.
I like the four horse.
- The one horse.
- I like the sixth horse.
- Three.
- What do you mean, three?
Three to win. Let it ride.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
I mean, of sound mind and all that?
I'm not asking for a will.
I'm asking for 48 $50 win tickets
on three horse in the seventh race.
So, you want 48 $50 win tickets on
the three horse in the seventh race?
- That's right.
- So, I have to give you...
Forty-eight $50 win tickets
- on the three horse in the seventh race?
- No.
How much does 48 $50 win tickets
on the three horse
in the seventh race pay?
Forty-eight $50 win tickets
on the three horse
in the seventh race
at 25-i will pay you...
Approximately $69,000.
This is a lot of money.
Are you sure you don't want to
hold back a little, just in case?
In case what?
In case you get hungry or thirsty
before the end of the race.
Thanks.
It's quiet.
I do this for a living.
Been doing it for 15 years.
I play the circuit.
One track closes,
another one opens.
Some big places, some dumps.
And I've met all
kinds of characters,
but, believe me, pal,
you are the champ.
I really hope you win.
Yep, you're the
greatest I've ever seen.
- I'll tell my grandchildren about you.
- Thanks.
Will you escort
this gentleman to his seat,
then stay with him if necessary
till the end of the race?
Yes, sir.
Coming through!
You've been arrested?
Where's the money?
- I had to.
- Lying son of a bitch.
- Lay off him.
Would you just mind
your own business, dear?
She's pert, if you like pert.
Although hardly
nobody likes the three.
What the hell is
she talking about?
- Come on. You want another round?
- Don't.
You're sick. Somebody should put
you in a hospital. You know that?
I just got it. I just got
something really important.
After all these years, it's not
my gambling that you despised.
It's been my losing.
Trotter, I'm going to
end this marriage now,
because if I don't, I'm gonna
have a nervous breakdown.
I might be having
a nervous breakdown right now.
- I'm going home.
- Good.
Would you like me
to call you when I win?
We're having some problems.
Poor trotter.
Poor, poor trotter.
You're looking at 69 grand,
or you're looking at nothing.
I have a house in The Bahamas,
and I love a man with guts.
He's mine! You're mine.
The horses are approaching
the starting gate.
The horses have now reached
the starting gate.
The horses are all in line.
The flag is up!
And away they go!
Here comes rock it and moonbeams,
idle threat behind them.
- In second last, it's fleet dreams...
- Come on, fleet dreams!
Up yours on the
inside, rock it...
- Come on, four! Come on, four!
- Come on, fleet dreams!
Come on, four!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Come on, four!
It's up yours, then
fleet dreams...
Come on, baby! Come on, baby!
Rock it is in there,
and moonbeams...
Come on, baby,
you son of a bitch!
At second last, banana king is on
the outside. They come for home!
It's moonbeams and fleet dreams,
these two now. Up yours at the rail...
Moonbeams is in front, fleet dreams
is coming after him on the inside!
Moonbeams and fleet dreams,
up yours and banana king...
It's going to be moonbeams
or fleet dreams!
- Fleet dreams on the inside...
- Come on, come on!
Fleet dreams getting the lead!
Coming down to the wire,
it's fleet dreams...
- Fleet dreams has won it!
- Fuck.
You won!
You won! Fleet dreams won!
Your horse...
You're a millionaire!
I've had enough
of this. Come on.
Come on, come on.
- Get up, you crazy bitch.
- He's a millionaire.
Get out of here! Jesus Christ!
Did I win?
Son of a bitch! I won!
I won! Son of a
bitch! Son of a bitch!
Fucking flying son of a bitch!
Fucking flying whore!
God likes me! He
really, really likes me!
What a day! What a day!
What a fabulous day!
I'm having a fabulous day.
They ought to put a guard
on the back door,
so that sort
doesn't get in here.
Fix your goddamn skirt,
for Christ's sakes.
Okay, Bernie.
Can't hold his liquor.
You might have mentioned.
- What?
- The three horse.
You might have mentioned you
liked him, for Christ's sakes.
What, do you think I'm so rich,
I couldn't use some extra money?
You want to know how
I got the three horse?
You want to know how
I got the three horse?
I went out in the thing and I...
Screw it.
I hate people who
sneak around and bet.
I knew a kid in school
that covered up his answers
- like a real sissy.
- Who cares? Who cares?
Waiter,
more champagne.
We're very busy now, sir.
That's for all you
stuffy rat bastards.
I'm going to collect $69,000.
I'm hiring you for the rest of
the afternoon, 100 bucks an hour.
Don't worry about a thing.
Anybody makes a funny move,
shoot them on sight.
Hey, trotter.
No, it's okay. I know this guy.
Hey, pay up, you deadbeat.
No, no, no, don't shoot anybody
yet. I haven't collected my money.
You know, I don't
like you one fuck.
I hear another utterance of
profanity, I'll blast your head off.
- Really?
- That's correct.
- I lost the money from the blood bank.
- I'm not surprised.
Not on a horse. I got my
pocket picked in the men's room.
What is this? Social hour?
You owe me, you greasy
little bastard deadbeat.
I'm gonna get it, god damn it.
How much exactly does
Mr. Looney owe you?
Emhbfifiv
I was at Marty's, I was on the
phone. I was going to bet $50.
The next thing I know, I'm saying,
"give me 500 on the packers."
It was like somebody else
saying it, like a strange force.
Let him kill me!
I deserve to die.
I'll pay for looney
when I settle here, okay?
You don't have to do that.
I can get my own money.
- I'll kill somebody.
- Watch it!
When's the last time I had
a winning week? Look it up.
December 3rd, three
years ago, 22 bucks.
I'm a loser. Let him kill me.
I deserve to die!
When I collect here,
I'll settle looney's sheet.
I am committed to you
for the rest of my life.
You're the greatest
man that ever lived.
- I mean that.
- That sounds fine to me.
Sixty-nine thousand dollars.
I want five bottles of champagne
sent to fleet dreams' stall,
and I want two dozen roses
sent to the owner.
And a case of light beer
sent to the jockey.
I'm not kidding. All right,
government's gonna take half.
That's $34,500.
Eight on the buick,
$450 on furniture,
and Pam wants a goddamn
water cruise, that's...
- $30,000.
- That leaves me with $17,000.
And 12 years' rent, $200 for
champagne, $100 for roses.
- $40,000.
- For the beer.
100 for the broken glass
at the jockey club.
Eight-and-a-half
for looney's tab,
leaves me with zero, zero, zero.
Congratulations!
I'm broke.
- Looney...
- There's all kinds of love in this world.
- I got some really bad news, man.
- The kind of love I've got for you
- is man to man, as friend to friend.
- I can't afford this.
Because you're a
prince. You're my king.
Hell.
You'll be back.
Not me, pal. I've
seen the light.
- Hey, loon.
- Excuse me.
Mr. Loon to you, pal.
I hate to interrupt, but
somebody owes me some change.
Nobody make a false move.
He looks different.
I have peripheral vision.
It's a gift. I can see my ears.
There is now a guy throwing up
on the pool table on my left.
Two guys are asleep on the table
on the right.
One of the bulbs is
burnt out overhead.
There's a fly on the money box.
What is this crap?
- Hello.
- Hi, honey.
Don't "honey" me.
Besides, I'm drunk.
Pam, you know that race?
The one you left before?
I've decided to
become an alcoholic.
You know, it's really the healthiest thing
I've ever done for myself in my life.
I won.
We're pretty rich.
I'm going to drink every day,
all day, morning, noon and night.
Bottles of gin, beer, six packs... i'm
gonna hide the bottles around the house.
I'm never going to cook
or clean or take baths.
You can sell the bed if you want
to, make bets with it, okay?
'Cause I'll be passing out
on the floor from now on.
- Because...
- Pam.
I don't care about the refrigerator.
Sell the refrigerator, too.
Pam, all of the money is in
a little green box, sweetheart.
I haven't spent any of it.
- Pam.
- I am drinking gin
and flicking ashes on the floor.
Jay, I couldn't leave you.
So I decided this
is the only way.
- Pammy, honey...
- Now go make your little bet.
Give me a call when
you feel like it, I'll be here.
- Pam...
- Passed out in a pool of vomit.
Pam, I think we have to talk.
You can move back, Jay.
I missed you all the time.
Pam.
I really love you.
Well, that's very sweet.
- Pamela?
- I'm sorry, I dropped the phone.
Could you pick up some wine
on the way home? I love you.
Do you mean that?
Of course I do.
Mean what?
- Honey?
- Yeah?
What do you want to do
with the box of assets?
Honey, I'm home.
Pam? Pammy?
I didn't bet, honey.
Pam, we're rich.
I got you a little bubbly.
And I got you a
nice little gift here.
Honey? Honey?
Sweetie, honey?
Okay.
69,000 dollars.
Nine piles of tiles?
What does that mean?
Five of clubs.
This horse could only be ridden
by a Chinese jockey.
- In the first race.
- They raced horses for generations.
It's him, it's him!
He's here, he's here!
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
Trotter, trotter,
trotter, trotter!
Now, that's a man!
You know, all these bums here,
they all said
you were nothing but a quitter.
- But I defended you.
- Yeah!
A toast! To trotter!
You're all great friends.
And who needs money
when you got friends?
Don't worry, because we'll all be
here to pick you up when it's over!
I got an idea.
- You got a horse picked out?
- No.
- I'm hot, right?
- Yeah!
I am truly hot.
And there is nothing more
important than friendship.
Nothing.
- Here's what we're going to do.
- Yeah, yeah.
We're going to take everything
we've got. Everything I've got!
- And everything you've got.
- Yeah!
- Every last cent.
- Yeah!
We're going to put it all
together into one big pile.
And we're going
to bet it together.
Looney, I'm hot.
I'm hot! Listen to me.
This is the chance that
you have all been waiting for.
Next race, I'm
putting up 27 stars.
It's good, but I wouldn't
bet my grandma.
- I wouldn't bet mine, either.
- You don't understand.
Chocoholic.
- Sashay around!
- Chocoholic!
- Sashay around!
- Chocoholic!
What's the name of that six horse?
Let me see the name of the jockey.
There's something about the sound.
Diamondback. I don't know what it is.
Very good horse.
Trainer Tony Kelly, please
contact the steward '5 office.
- That's the guy.
- Yes.
Stay.
Guess who?
A football salesman?
No, it's me, Vicki.
- Hi, Vicki.
- Hi, trotter.
- What are you doing here?
- Nothing.
What are you
going to do, trotter?
I don't know.
- Where's your friend?
- Who, Bernie?
You know, you can
do better than that.
Well, a girl's gotta decide
what's important, money or love.
No one's giving anything away.
And Bernie has a lot of money,
which can come in
handy sometimes.
You know you're
a wonderful girl.
Thank you, trotter.
I'm getting a
little nervous now.
I was just thinking maybe I'd come
down and ask you to go to bed with me,
'cause I think you're
kind of funny, that's all.
Am I having a good day, or what?
- Vicki.
- What?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
- You're welcome.
But I'm in love with my wife.
Well, I just thought
I'd ask, that's all.
What is it they say? Nothing
ventured, nothing ventured.
Hey, trotter.
- What are you going to do?
- I know what he's not going to do.
- What are you going to do?
- I don't know.
Are you going to
bet on this race?
I don't know.
- Whatever you do, don't bet on that horse.
- Why not?
There's something wrong with its
eyes. It's blind or something.
How can they put
a horse like that in a race?
Let me get this straight,
whatever I do,
don't bet this horse?
- Looney, Vicki. Vicki, looney.
- Nice to meet you.
I may faint. Don't worry.
We got full medical coverage.
I'll be okay.
Let it ride.
- Is it all in there?
- Yeah.
I spent some on the little woman,
but basically, yeah, it's all there.
- There are all kinds of balls.
- One of his is crystal.
I can't give you $50 win tickets.
That's over 1,300 win tickets.
It'll jam the whole machine.
We'll be here till Christmas.
The counting room.
Right, I will now
issue you with a receipt
to the value of your wager,
which is $68,000,
on the number two horse,
which is called hot-to-trot.
- Should you lose this receipt...
- He's not gonna lose his receipt.
Right, now your bet will immediately
be routed through the computer
that adjusts the odds
on the tote board.
Hot-to-trot's sitting at 40-1.
A wager this size is going to
knock it down to maybe 8-1.
I must say you're very calm.
Most guys come in here, they're ready
to gnaw the legs off the tables.
Well, that's 'cause
I'm going to win.
You're a wonderful guy.
What a guy.
Probably some coke
dealer went nuts again.
Heavy better, make
room, heavy better...
Who do you like, Evangeline?
I am going to bet all 200 of my dollars
on the four horse, stargazer, to show.
- Of course I could lose.
- Stay calm.
- What if I lost?
- It's too late.
All right, okay. Come on, trotter.
It doesn't matter. Okay. All right.
I had lobster, a few drinks.
Bought my wife a diamond
necklace. I'm okay, I'm okay.
I settled looney's tab,
made a few friends,
like you and Vicki,
the ticket seller.
You can't put a price tag on a
day like that, can you, reardon?
That's money for a ride home, and
dinner out somewhere, if I lose.
But if I win,
reardon, if I win...
That is him!
Trotter, I was getting
worried about you.
- I bet $20 on the favorite.
- What an asshole.
I put every penny on the
number two horse, hot-to-trot.
You know, when the odds went to 8-1,
I knew it! He pissed it all away!
May the best horse win.
- The two horse!
- Hot-to-trot!
I think the two horse was
limping coming out of the gate.
Shut up or I'll kill you,
you pessimistic jinx!
I can't see! I'm going blind!
Run, you son of a bitch!
Come on, hot-to-trot! Come on!
Please, I swear
to god I'll stop!
- I always swear I'll quit smoking.
- I don't think so.
Listen, I bet you swore to god
something secretly.
You ignorant bastard. Who do you
think you are, Jimmy swaggart?
This is a horse race,
for crying out loud.
It just doesn't work that way.
If my horse loses, I'm gonna
wring your chicken neck.
I can't see the two horse!
What do you see?
Your horse is on the outside.
- Stay on the track!
- The horse can't hear you!
Come on, stargazer,
move it! Move it!
Just keep the horse
out of the money,
I swear I'll give up
my smut collection.
Hey, there's two horses pulled
away, and one of them's yours.
More ground to cover!
Dropping out of it.
I'll leave Bernie. Pure love from now on.
I'll go for some poor guy with nothing.
Let him have it. I don't
care about the lousy $200.
Marry me?
They've now got three-eighths
of a mile left to go.
They're pecker to pecker!
- Stargazer on the inside...
- Come on! Please!
You can't shine a
flashlight between them.
It's stargazer on the outside...
I'm getting something.
Lord, give that punk a break.
It's the two! It's the
two! Come on, two!
Two!
- You can do it, two!
- Yes, yes!
Come on!
I got it.
Stargazer just in front, but
hot-to-trot's coming up on the outside!
Hot-to-trot or stargazer,
and at the wire, it's... my god!
Thank god I'm poor and don't have
to worry about finishes like that!
I knew it, I knew it.
- What the hell did he know?
- We knew it.
Wouldn't it be hell
if that horse gets disqualified?
Looney!
I knew it.
Pardon me.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Thank you, sweetheart. That
was really very sweet, honey.
I bet it all, honey.
I let it all ride.
It's only money.
Let the guy have it, will you?
He's a sweet little fella.
Winner of the tenth
race, number two!
Why are they cheering?
Because I'm having
a very good day.