Let the Wrong One In (2021) Movie Script
1
Come on!
Let's split up!
I say don't you know
- You say you don't know
- I still got it!
I say take me out
Listen Irish,
you drink, you pay.
I know what you're after.
Me last night of freedom...
and I'm not wearing
any underwear!
What?!
You scared of a woman
who knows what she wants?!
Help me.
- What?
- Help me...
I need...
Aw sorry,
I don't speak Romanian.
- Help me.
- You shot a man?
- I've no leus.
- Help me...
- I need blood.
- Bleedin' junkie!
The thrill of the chase.
It gets the blood pumping.
Garlic chip.
Get out of my way,
you fuckin' creep, ya!
- Have a good night pal!
- Ah, me bollocks!
When I'm out walking
I strut my stuff
And I'm so strung out
I'm high as a kite
I just might
Stop to check you out
- Let me go on
- Matt!
- Like a blister in the sun
- Breakfast!
Matt!
- Big hands, I know...
- Where's the breakfast?
Come on, I'm starving.
Body and beats,
I stain my sheets
I don't even know why
My girlfriend,
She's at the end
She is starting to cry
Let me go on
Like a blister in the sun
Let me go on
Big hands,
I know you're the one
And the winning numbers
from last night
were 17, 35, 23,
14, 6, and 31.
That's 17...
I don't believe it.
Not a single number.
You've more chance
of getting hit by lightning.
Enough of your negative vibes.
- What're you looking at?
- I'm going to work.
Look at him!
The bleedin' size of your head!
Shut up you two fat-heads.
Who'd you think
you're getting smart with?!
Alright, fuck sake...
Save your horn for your wife!
What the fuck is wrong with ya,
ya bleedin' moron ya!
Let me go on
Like a blister in the sun
Let me go on
Big hands,
I know you're the one
It's a sunny, bright,
lovely day out there today
by the way...
- Deco came by the store again.
- Agh! Me finger.
Stay away from him,
d'ya hear me?
I can't help it if he shows up.
What're you doing back here?
I'm just sayin'
hello to me brother!
You're my best mate.
What are ya?
- Your best mate.
- Best mate.
Matt? Matt!
It's for your own good.
Deco is a user,
just like your Da.
And don't be listening
to his shite.
And if I see him anywhere
near here again,
he's as good as dead.
The stress he put me under!
Like why'd you think
I can't give these up?!
Here, Ma, I'll put it out.
- You go up and get ready.
- You're a good boy.
- Sorry.
- What are you doing here, Deco?
- I need to go inside...
- You can't, Ma's upstairs!
Think you're a bleedin'
bouncer, are ya?!
Skin's burnin' up,
it's like bleedin' Ayia Napa.
Just put some factor 50 on.
I'm after hurtin' myself, look.
You came here
to show me a hickey?
No! I was at a party
and some bird
had a go on me neck.
I've nowhere else to go either.
You know I don't, Matt.
I don't know
what to do with meself.
- You can't come in.
- For fuck's sake,
will you just let us in
the poxy door!
Why you getting angry for?
You're not coming in, alright?
You owe me,
or have you forgotten?
Okay, just for a minute.
Stay quiet.
Well are you
inviting me in or what?
Yeah, come in.
Ah, you're me best mate.
What are ya?
- Your best mate.
- Best mate.
Jaysus there's a bleedin'
smell in here.
That's just the garlic fries
from last night.
- Get them away from me!
- Relax!
Said you wanted to wash
yourself, there's the sink.
Ah!
Ah!
What are you doing?!
You don't believe me, do ya?
Agh!
Agh!
Agh, It must be that bite
I'm after gettin'!
So what exactly
happened last night?
I was at a club with the lads,
the place was bleedin'
buzzin' it was.
That's a bleedin' banger
that is, what?
How's it going bud, y'all right?
Fuck off, so.
So I went to the
jacks after holding down
the dance floor
for about an hour,
then this young wan
appears out of nowhere.
Now you are definitely my type!
Ah look, here comes the bride!
I think you're in
the wrong toilets, love.
Oh, very easy now...
There's someone in here!
Nearly bled me dry!
Next thing I remember,
I woke up on the green.
- What about your girlfriend?
- Okay Matt,
I'm going to head off.
- Have you got your lunch?
- Yeah.
Well go on, get a move on,
you don't want to be late.
You'll end up like that good
for nothing brother of yours.
Here, do you know
where the plasters are?
They should be
in the top drawer there.
They're not in the top drawer,
I left them over here somewhere.
Took a lump out of that finger,
I'm tellin' ya that now.
- What's that smell of smoke?
- It's probably your smokes.
Sayin' there's a smell
of smoke off me,
bleedin' cheek of ya.
Right, I'm gonna go
to work now, okay?
The penguin bars
are in the press,
now help yourself, love.
Shut up!
I forgot. They're in the
bottom of the fridge.
- Left them there last night.
- Okay, see ya, Ma.
Shut up!
My hand's near gone on fire!
How'd ya explain that?!
Wait a second,
you've been bitten on the neck,
you're allergic to sunlight...
Agh! Fuck off!
And you don't like
the garlic fries...
You know what this sounds like?
I'm not getting enough
Vitamin D.
- Yeah, I need to take...
- No, no, no,
I think you're turning into...
That's my only clean shirt!
Oh, sorry buddy, I...
Deco, what are ya like?
Fuck off!
Deco, put two and two together.
- Eh, four.
- No, you're a vampire!
A what?!
A fuckin' vampire!
What are you insinuating?!
Look at yourself in the mirror!
D'ya see what I mean?!
No, that mirror's broke!
There's nothing wrong
with that mirror!
Oh, bollocks!
You can't stay here now.
Put your hood up and get out.
Ah Jesus, where'll I go?!
Go up the country or somethin'!
What, and stay
with the culchies?!
I'd rather be fuckin' dead!
Deco you are dead!
- I'm your own flesh and blood.
- And it's all over me!
We go upstairs
and play Desert Strike?
I don't even have that game,
you took that game off me!
- Fuckin' rob ya that game!
- No, no.
No, get out, Deco.
What do you want me to do?
Kiss your bleedin' feet?!
I'm beggin' ya man, please!
I'll burst into dust out there.
I'm a vampire for fuck's sake.
Alright, alright.
I'll text in sick.
Jaysus, what's gonna happen me?
Henry,
I've just spotted another one
of those bleedin' vampires.
I'm on the way.
It's fuckin' Natalie!
If she finds out I'm a vampire,
I'll get dumped!
Didn't think you
cared that much about her.
No, she's my everything, she is.
I'll have to lay low
for a while.
Let it clear itself up,
like when I had herpes.
She's put up with a lot of crap.
- This could be the last straw.
- What?!
Do you love her?
Do I love her?!
Love her, he says.
You have fifteen
messages in your inbox.
Deco,
where'd you end up last night?!
I wore me nice knickers
and everything for ya,
ya little fool.
Here, will you call me back
when you get this,
I wanna see if you're alright,
I wanna make sure
you're not in a bleedin'
dumpster somewhere.
You better call me back or
I'm gonna box the head off ya!
I don't know what came over me,
obviously I'm just a little bit
worried about ya.
Right, I love ya,
you're not going to get into
trouble, just, just ring me.
If I find out
you're cheating on me,
I'm gonna kill ya,
d'ya hear me?!
Every member of my family
is gonna be after you!
Go and fuck yourself!
Call me back.
Right, I love ya.
Jaysus. I couldn't think
of anything worse
than being a vampire.
What's gonna happen
when word gets around
and people start avoiding me
like the plague?
Deco.
People do that anyway.
Look on the bright side,
you get to sleep in all day,
you might be able
to claim a disability.
If I can't go out
during the day,
how am I gonna sign on,
ye thick?!
What you want me to do?
Go out and skip
with the bleedin' bunnies?!
Does Ma ever ask about me?
Or does she just pretend
I don't even exist?
I think she misses ya.
Yeah, like the desert
misses the rain.
- Super powers!
- What are you smokin'?!
Vampires have super powers!
Turn into a bat and fly around!
Ah, I don't know.
- Just try it, try it.
- Alright!
Jaysus.
Eh...
- Jaysus!
- You are filthy.
Sorry about that.
I think you need
to see a doctor.
Ah no,
I'm just eating loads of eggs.
I'm on this protein plan
where I have...
No, Deco!
For the vampire thing.
Number one for all the hits.
Something new
is coming to Dublin,
get on down to The Crypt Club,
opening tonight,
23 Kilbride Street,
with special drinks promotions
before midnight. The Crypt Club,
where the party never stops.
Agh!
Sound.
No way!
D-Doc, doctor on call,
anytime, anywhere.
- What're you doing, Deco?!
- Any chance of a bit of blood?
- Ah here, no.
- Just a tiny bit, come on.
Come on, I'll only have a sip.
- No, I'm trying to help you!
- Come to your brother.
Get away from me!
No, fuck off!
Alright, alright,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'll call the doctor
and we'll figure this out.
- Stay away from me neck!
- Jesus, you're a lifesaver.
- Don't make me do it again.
- Alright, I'm sorry.
I'll just go down
and wait downstairs.
Yeah.
You don't think I've a bit
of a lisp with these, do ya?
Yeah, it's very noticeable.
- Ah, fuck.
- Close the door!
Hello?
I need a doctor, ASAP.
Where's the patient?
This way, thanks for coming.
Just in there.
This is Deco.
He was bitten on the neck.
We think he's a vampire.
Google it, did ya?
Everyone's a bloody expert
these days.
Don't eat him.
Right.
Right. A little privacy
if you don't mind.
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
Yeah, okay.
Ow!
Bloody door.
Just ah, open your mouth
and say, 'ah.'
Ah.
Hey spud, who'd you murder?
Just pickin' me nose earlier.
Gave meself a nosebleed.
What would you...
what would you drink on average?
Ah, just a pint or two at the
weekends, you know yourself.
Ah well,
we'll let you away with that.
- Are you on any medications?
- No.
Just methadone...
and Nembutal,
Tuinal, Valium, Librium,
and cod liver oil.
Right, now, eh...
Zip the top down and lie back,
we're gonna check your heart.
Yeah.
Relax, close your eyes.
Now,
keep your eyes closed,
I want you to
take in a deep breath and hold.
Deco isn't back here, is he?
He still owes me money.
No, Deco hasn't
been back in years.
I can smell a lie.
I'll keep watch.
I might have left
my dark days behind,
but if I find out Deco's back,
I'll be over there
to break up the party
and stick his fucking
head in the oven.
Have a good day.
Agh!
You nearly got me in the heart!
Right, straighten ya.
Come on ye bollocks!
The bleedin' strength of ya!
Deco, get off him!
Deco!
Oh, bollocks!
Alright?
Can I get the spare key,
- I'm after locking myself out.
- Yeah, come in. Moron.
And this is Adrian Kennedy here
and we're talking about people
who suck the life out of us.
Just take, take, take and never
give anything back in return.
Do you hear that rubbish?
The real bloodsuckers
are the people in charge.
- Frank, the key?
- The key is money.
Now, between you and me
I might have a few nixers
- on the side if you're...
- No, that key. Can I have it?
Oh, the key, yeah.
Now bring it straight back,
yeah?
Little fucker.
Come on out!
Why?!
So I can stake you.
Fuck off!
Hey!
Stay out of it!
I don't want to hurt you...
anymore.
Nice one!
Ragh!
Oh.
Agh!
Agh!
What'll we do with him?
- Henry Montgomery.
- He's a fuckin' Brit!
I knew it!
That dodgy Irish accent.
Why you trying
to kill me brother?
And why'd you have
a photo of the woman
who bit me in the neck?
Speak or I'll put that nose
into the back of your head!
- Aw, you...
- Sorry!
- That's fuckin' payback, you.
- You heal.
Why you trying to kill him?
Because he's a vampire,
you eejit.
And the woman who bit you
is my fiance, Sheila.
Yeah well, it's a free country,
- she can do what she wants!
- She was a vampire.
And you are cause
you got bitten by her!
Hang on,
I thought you said the woman
you were with last night
was a young wan?
- I said...
- Chasing grannies now, are we?
You absolute dirt bag!
I'll bleedin' brain
you in a minute.
Alright cougar catcher,
relax horny.
Watch your fuckin' mouth!
Are you not a bit long in the
tooth to be getting hitched?
I'd given up years ago.
Then I met my Sheila.
I mean,
we have our ups and downs,
but we decided to get married.
I had my stag do,
we took an old
Victorian Rail line
through Snowdonia,
because I'm a member of the
Welsh Highland Rail Society.
And the Welsh Highland Heritage,
as well as the
Branch Line Society.
I love it,
steam engines, it's great.
Old, old world.
Where was the hen party,
Transylvania?
It was, there was a deal
on flights to Bucharest.
That's fair.
When Sheila came back to Dublin,
the woman I loved was gone.
There was nothing of her left.
Except for the drinking
and the... infidelity.
Then after that, she...
She was out jumping
from Billy to Jack
leaving a trail of vampires
around Dublin and I was...
having to pick up after her.
It was my civic responsibility,
I felt.
You sure you're not just a bit
jealous that a bleedin' hunk
from Dublin took your missus?
No, it's definitely
for the good of the city.
I drive a taxi around Dublin
and I've seen all sorts.
But this is something new.
Sheila and those hens
are out there every night,
the vampire population
is rising.
Oh.
Anyone in Dublin
could be their next victim.
But not if I get there first.
Can we get a move on,
Speedy Gonzalez?!
- We've a party to go to!
- Sorry, Liz!
You, out!
Fuckin' clown, you.
The other taxi drivers
are my eyes and ears
around the city.
Okay, right,
I'm gonna try Glasnevin,
might be a few of them bozos
hanging around the cemetery.
Roger that, over and out.
I had a tip off from
another driver about him.
Henry, I've just spotted
another one of those
bleedin' vampires.
I was waiting for
an opportunity.
And then I saw
a doctor arriving.
- Hey!
- What...?!
Sorry about that.
Once he's bitten his first
victim, he will be hooked.
It's just a matter of time,
that's why you have to die pal,
simple as.
No, no, I'm not
going to bite anyone, Matt.
If I had a pound for every time
I've heard a vampire say that.
He's trying to turn you,
that's it.
Don't listen to him!
He's talking out his old arse!
You did try and bite me earlier.
And he will again,
and again and again
and again until he does.
His blood lust will only grow.
Henry shut up you,
or I'll beat the head off you!
Oh, is that what you want?
You want a taste
from the carotid,
or, or, or,
would he prefer the vertebral?
- Deco, get away from him!
- Yeah, Deco!
- You shut up as well!
- Ha, you're laughed at.
- Such an eejit.
- Who's an eejit?
- He is.
- Who is?
- You are!
- I am?
- You are.
- I am?
He is?
The problem is you.
You're the one who let him in.
You're the one indulging him.
You're the one who can't say no.
What are you getting from this?
Does it make you
feel better to help him?
What if he doesn't
drain someone,
- he could turn back human again?
- No.
They all bite someone
sooner or later,
just stake him now.
Look, I'll just go cold turkey,
I've done it before,
and I'll do it again.
Look, I know this
is hard but it has to be done.
If we don't nip this in the bud
then the whole city
will be overrun
with these blood-sucking sods!
Where's Henry?
Look,
I don't know where Henry is.
That's what your
last friend said.
Mago!
Oh...
Love a bit of Dublin blood.
Now, we're opening up
this club tonight
and I don't want Henry
coming over and spoiling it.
I told him it's over.
But he keeps stalking me.
I swear to God,
I don't know where he is!
I've no problem with your kind!
If you want to lure
innocent people into a club,
and turn them into vampires,
that's your own business.
Each to their own,
that's what I say,
each to your own.
Yeah?
It's Henry that has the problem.
Not me.
He won't rest
until he ruins your plans
and turns you all
into a bag of ashes!
That's all he talks about.
That!
And... trains.
He's mad for the trains, he is.
Well, he is a member of the
Welsh Highway Rail Society.
And the Branch Line Society.
What's a branch line society?!
He shows off his card
at the rank.
Trains. That's it.
Trains. We'll say cuckoo
for choo-choos!
Follow me.
Hey-hey-hey-hey!
Can I... can I head on now?
Don't drain him dry!
We need to build up our numbers.
No! No! No!
Amanda, wait 'til you see this.
Him and his fuckin' trains.
- Aw, stop the lights.
- Look at that!
He got me
that for me hens weekend,
- keep me warm.
- State of it.
Aw.
Here, you can track
his scent from that.
- Ooh, we'll get him with this.
- And after the club tonight,
we'll have enough vampires
to take over this city.
Nice one.
Choo-choo!
Don't worry Deco,
I'm not going to kill you.
I'm going to help you,
this is for your own good.
Yeah, I know.
Just have to be ready
for when the cravings kick in.
Look, I have all
of this under control.
Alright? But if it gives you
peace of mind to tie me up,
suppose I'm happy
to do it for you.
Fuck!
Get me out of these ropes,
I'm fucking parched!
Please! Just a drop!
That's all I'm asking!
Sure I'm tied up,
I can't do anything,
just drop it on me tongue!
Just put it there, look!
What's a bit of blood
between brothers?
Look, you owe it to me!
The big guilty look on ya!
He's lying!
What are ya looking at him for?!
Ugh, for...!
What are you doing tapping away
with that fucking finger?!
Lookin' up about vampires.
Trying to see if there's
anything I can do to help ya.
"A vampire
is usually a suave individual,
in possession of great wealth."
Last time I seen that finger,
it was pointed at me.
What started
all this fuckin' shite.
If I didn't get kicked out
of the gaff,
I'd be out livin' my life,
I'd be a... I'd be...
- You'll be what?
- I'd be a... pilot!
Matthew...
Matthew...
Listen to your brother, Deco.
Now bring him some blood...
Ignore him.
Go back to your computer.
For now...
Matt, we could try something.
We could sort out his fangs,
once and for all.
What do you want me to do?
Get a set of braces?!
No, get rid of them!
Before, before he bites someone,
well that would...
stop the urges,
like, like neutering a cat!
Da left the toolbox
under the stairs.
We can get the pliers
out of that.
Oh, did he? Oh, good.
Yeah, I'm sorry
if I don't jump for fucking joy
at that idea!
Oh you, I'm tellin' ya.
Oh, if I get me hands on ya!
You'll know about...
Come on, Ireland.
David O'Leary is entrusted
with taking the penalty.
This kick can decide it all.
The nation holds its breath.
- And the other one.
- Wait, wait, wait...
No, no, alright, alright.
Just give us a second pal,
just...
Did it stop the cravings?
It didn't work!
Payback.
Aw, you bastard ye!
Wait 'til I get
a hold of you, pal!
See your neck,
it's first on my list!
Not if I stake you first.
Come on, push yourself over!
I'm trying, you asshole!
You can't even get over a step,
no wonder Sheila left you!
- I'll break your nose!
- Shut up!
I was reading up
on that website about vampires.
Vampires can drink any blood.
That means animals, too.
Any blood will do,
I'm not very peculiar about it.
Don't give him any blood.
Let him waste away.
You shut your mouth,
I'm sick of your bright ideas!
What do you want,
a dog or a cat?
I've always wanted a cat.
You're not getting
a pet here Deco,
you're gonna have
to bite into it.
Ah, yeah.
Mr McCarthy
down the road has a dog.
Ah Jaysus, you couldn't
eat a Jack Russell!
Yeah. Too snappy.
I'll think of something.
You two behave yourselves.
So where did you
plan the honeymoon?
Fuck...
and you're very welcome back
and thanks very much
indeed for joining us,
and if you were
listening earlier,
we've been talking
about bloodsuckers,
and Rob brought up
the topic of vampires,
now we'll go to line one,
how are ya, Rob?
Yeah, I just want to say I'm
after waking up there
this morning with
a puncture in me neck...
those vampires are coming
over here, all over...
Now...
Piss.
I'm horrified
by what I'm hearing.
We're just living our lives...
You're only a bloodsucker,
yeah?!
Lying in your coffin all day!
You need a dose of reality, pal!
You wait until it get's dark...
Messages coming in
and the advice seems to be
don't go near them,
steer clear of them.
- Matt?!
- could not wait.
The second day of our
honeymoon was going to be,
we were going to on
the Frecciarossa,
the high speed train
from Rome to Naples.
It reaches speeds
of 220 miles an hour,
with over 72 daily connections,
some of which are
non-stop service.
Does that answer your question?
Very much so,
thank you very much, Henry.
Kill me now.
I think I have something
that might help.
Sorry buddy,
it just has to be this way.
G'wan.
Take a swig out of it.
Sure he has no neck on him.
He's no use to me.
You have to try.
Ah, he's too furry.
I could stick a straw in him.
He's a rabbit,
not a Capri Sun, Deco.
Try again.
Ah, Jaysus.
Sorry, pal.
- Ah, the little bastard bit me!
- Jaysus, I'm not into that!
Tastes like bleedin' carrots!
- I hate carrots!
- You're a shite vampire!
That's a waste of good blood!
I want the real thing!
Come here to me!
You set him off!
Get us out of here!
Hurry!
Come on! Come on!
Come on!
Take your time, Matt,
take your time!
He'll calm down in a minute,
as long as you don't
give him any more blood.
Where's me fuckin' rabbit?!
Where's me fuckin' rabbit?!
Oh, Nidge...
Where the fuck...?
Where the fuck...
Nidge?
There ye are,
ye little bollocks.
Matt get this dirt-bag off me!
I can't hold him!
Aw, fuck.
The mad bastard's
done a bomb dive!
Deco, leave him...
Fuck!
Come on, get up.
Come on!
No! No, leave me alone!
- Get into the light!
- No, no, no!
- Get up!
- I seen the bleedin' devil!
I've seen the devil!
I've seen his eyes!
It's not true!
I'm trying to help you!
Let go, Deco!
Don't let me go,
you little bollocks!
- Deco, let go.
- Don't let him in!
Matt, get in there, stop him,
don't let him drain him
because if he drains him,
he'll become a vampire!
No, no, no, if he drains him,
he won't be a vampire,
he'll be dead!
Will I let him drain him
or not?!
Just get in there and stop him!
Ah here, you're scaring me now.
Deco...
Before you say anything,
you should have a sip.
Vintage blood from...
A great year.
You said you wouldn't
bite anyone!
Ah, what?!
He was a scumbag,
sold me my first hit.
He's ruined enough lives.
Henry says to drain him dry,
unless you want him coming back.
Happy days!
Snowdrops and daffodils
Butterflies and bees
Sailboats and fishermen
Things of the sea
Wishing wells,
Wedding bells
Early morning dew
All kinds of everything
Reminds me of you...
I'm after necking
those few pints fast.
I feel ashamed of meself.
That blood...
has gone straight to me head.
Don't you be judging me now.
I didn't even like it.
Just curiosity.
I'm not into it anymore.
Anyways, look,
you clean up this mess,
you owe it to me.
You owe me!
You owe it to me!
All I see is wires here
and I want to know
where that fuckin' telly is
or you will be out
that door in two minutes flat!
I am going to explode!
Maybe someone robbed it
or something, like.
- Do you know who robbed it?
- Dunno.
No, he says he doesn't know.
Did he fuckin' rob that telly?!
Who stole the telly?
I fuckin' knew it!
I don't owe you anything!
It's your own fuckin' fault
you got kicked out
in the first place!
You were a junkie!
And Ma was sick of you robbing
shite from your own house!
And yeah, I ratted on you.
Cause I didn't wanna come down
them stairs one morning
and find you lying
on the ground dead
with a needle sticking out
of your fucking arm!
I'm done feeling guilty
about that, Deco.
I didn't betray you,
you chose that shite over me!
I... do you know what?
I don't know if I care anymore!
'Cause I feel nothing
towards you.
Nothing.
You're wound up.
- Sit down.
- I fucking hate you.
Honestly, me own brother,
Ma does, too.
Says it all the time.
Biggest regret of her life
was having you.
Yeah, well I'll get to live
forever now, won't I?
I'll get to see
the two of you dead.
You'll always be on your own.
No one to love you.
Who the fuck's this
annoying me now?
Aw, it's Natalie.
Alright, Natalie? It's Matt.
Me and Deco are around
in the house, 18 Joel Street.
You should come around,
he'd love to see you.
No, no,
what are you after doing?
Wait 'til she sees
you're a vampire.
I bet she dumps you.
I'll take care of this.
Wait.
I want you to teach me
how to kill vampires.
I'm tired of getting
pushed around.
My stake of choice has a one
and a quarter inch diameter
for optimum grip.
And sandalwood is my preference,
because it's such
a versatile wood.
It's both light and strong,
it's just a personal choice,
you find what works for you.
Agh!
Well, that's the...
that's the blunt end.
How'd you make the pointy end,
with a sword or something?
Under the ribs.
Ragh!
What's that?!
It's time that little boy
became a man.
Good.
Better.
Easy!
Focus.
Killing vampires
is like train spotting.
You let them come to you.
Of course, those railway
locomotive traction maintenance
depots like Willesden,
where they're all lined up
and waiting for you.
Deco!
Open this door!
I know you're in there!
Deco!
I can actually see you,
ya thick.
A lathe might be a bit quicker.
- So where exactly is the heart?
- In the centre.
A little bit to the left.
I don't think I can do it.
Look, Matt,
Deco just killed
a friend of yours.
- Well...
- A good man.
- Eh...
- Well, a human being.
Yeah.
Okay, fair enough.
You've got blood
on your hands now.
- What?
- You've got blood on your hands
- you should wash them.
- Alright, thanks.
Me and Matt were out
playing ball in the garden.
Some day for it.
And what?
The ball just bit your neck,
did it?
Right, tell me.
You're making
a bleedin' psycho out of me.
Just tell me
what's after happening.
- I, eh... I, eh...
- Will you stop say "Eh"?!
Will you just tell me
what happened?!
Why you looking
to the right for?
That means you're lying Deco,
that's psychology!
Look, it's not about
another bird.
You want us to see other people,
is that what all this is?
- No!
- Cause if it is Deco,
it's not like
I haven't had any offers!
- What other offers?
- Mick O'Connor for one thing.
And he has a better
Ronnie than you do!
That little bit of bum fluff
on your lip, state of you!
He's been growing his
twice as long,
thank you very much.
Stacey's friend said
that there was some bleedin'
aul one chewing
the face off you.
Do you know what Deco, I'm done.
I'm over this conversation.
All right, wait!
I was at a party,
and there was this bird,
but she attacked me
and she bit me in the neck.
And I'm a...
I'm infected with something.
Whatcha mean you're infected
with something?!
With what?!
Be very open minded about this.
Here it is, here it fuckin' is.
Here's your big moment, Deco.
Just say it.
She turned me into a vampire.
Listen, once you've killed
your brother,
I've been looking for
an apprentice.
Sheila's having a party tonight,
we could finish this
once and for all.
How are ya, Henry?
Sheila sends her love.
How did you find me?
Aw man, you smell good.
Matt, training!
You can't come in,
I won't invite you in.
Ah now, come on.
Don't think you can say
a shed's accommodation, what?
Well there are landlords
that might disagree with you.
Agh, you little bollocks!
Henry, I didn't mean it,
Henry, hurry up, get up!
Henry!
Aw, fuck.
Up the Dubs!
Henry, get up, come on.
Oh, Mommy,
I don't wanna go to school...
You have a snooze,
I'll be back in a minute.
- Do you know what I think?
- Aw, Jaysus.
I think that's bleedin' deadly.
- What?
- Deco, I love all them vampire films!
Team Edward
and Team Jacobs and all that!
- Team Deco?
- Oh my God, gas.
Yeah, look at me fangs
as well, look.
Are they meant to be that small?
- What?
- I'm only messing!
They're lovely little fangs.
Here...
Oh?
Would you like a bit of that?
- What?
- Go on, get in there.
- Make me a vampire.
- Oh, oh no, no, no, stop it.
No, you don't know
what you're doing!
- Deco, make me a vampire.
- No!
- Go on.
- No, it's not funny.
I know you want to!
- It's no joke.
- What're you doing?!
The state of your Ronnie!
That Henry fella's
got in your head.
I thought you
cared about Natalie!
She asked for it!
It's never your fault, is it?!
No like,
she literally asked for it.
Hello?
All right, Ma?
What's wrong with you,
you sound out of breath?
Yeah, I'm just in work,
I'm grand.
I'm doing the shopping,
text me if you need anything.
Alright go on,
I'll call you later.
Don't be killing
yourself now, love.
Deco, what're you doing?!
Come here and I'll bite you.
Deco, don't be at my foot,
don't do it!
Get that bit of wood
out of my face!
Matt! Let me in, Matt!
Please help!
Oh, please!
Oh, I'm burning!
Ow, my skin, oh...
Please...
At least we got to hang out,
one more day.
That's tasty as fuck, that is.
Nat!
Natalie!
Oh, fuck.
I couldn't kill me brother.
Eejit!
I'm kicking him out,
as soon as the sun goes down.
- Seriously.
- I mean it!
- Ha!
- I've had enough.
Ha, dick!
I brought you your jacket.
Gets cold out here.
Thank you.
Come on Willy,
you've been on that for ages,
will ya hurry up!
Woah, woah, woah,
where you going with this?
Put it in the corner,
I've already told you this!
Guys, we're open in two hours.
Yeah?
Can we hurry this up a bit?
Why you looking at me
like you don't understand
what I'm saying?
I'm saying it very clearly.
Sheila, can you...
Sheila, are you okay?
Sheila!
Amanda's dead.
Did you just get psychic
abilities right now?
Like, did your mind just tell
you that, do we get that?!
No, she just didn't reply
to my text messages!
- Oh.
- We need to go sort this.
Well I can't leave,
or these clowns
will turn this place
into a dental clinic
by the time we're back.
Fair point.
It's time me and Henry
broke up face to face.
You stay calm,
you don't wind him up.
- I've got this.
- You have!
I'm Zen.
Well...
She's Zen.
She's Zen, she's said she's Zen.
She's Zen.
Don't worry love,
you just walk it off,
you'll feel better.
Look, I thought I was a goner,
but look at me now, what?
Oi, you two.
It's nearly time to go.
Get your things.
What are you talking about,
you fool, ya?
The sun'll be going down soon.
Get your umbrellas.
You can go on, it's safe now.
Ah, you're trying to trick us.
We're gonna stay right here
until it's pitch black
out there.
Once your fangs start growing,
you've a lot more energy.
Healing, strength, agility,
and I'm definitely smarter!
But everything has
its drawbacks.
- Like the poxy sunlight.
- Oh, really?
And I don't think vampires
can get boners.
- Oh really?!
- Yeah.
No, no,
I think you're thinking
of zombies, you thick.
Don't call me a thick.
I actually find that
very offensive.
- I think you should apologize.
- I'm not apologizing for that.
Very mature.
I'm sorry, Deco,
I didn't mean to...
cross any lines there
or hurt your feelings.
Don't worry about it, Matthew.
Anyway!
I actually think
I'd be very good at it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah cause I love going out at night.
She does.
Plus you get to be immoral
and live forever and all that.
- It's immortal, not immoral.
- Shut up you, you thick!
That's what I'm after saying,
I-mor-dal!
That's all this country needs.
More bleedin' vampires.
Ah, fu...
Change of plans.
Henry!
- What are you doing?
- Oh, I was about to, um...
You do know that you've
killed a lot of people?
You're the one
killing my friends!
That's worse!
You're the one who's going out
at night biting new people
and creating new vampires!
And I know about
your club later.
Why are you being so mean?!
You're making me out
to be a monster!
This obviously meant
nothing to you!
You care more about
trains than me!
That's not true.
Ooh, wait...
I didn't think the 9:30
from Howth to Bray
was operating on a Sunday.
Name one thing
you loved about me!
- You're smart.
- Please! So vague.
I love the way you always
spoke exactly the way you felt.
You're such a nerd, Henry!
You don't mind it.
Just stake me
and get it over with!
- Yeah, stake her.
- You shut up!
Oh, oh!
Ha, they must have updated
their timetable.
Henry!
Idiot.
Hate break-ups.
Someone always gets hurt.
Oh, Henry you never
tasted so good!
Any chance of a bit of blood?
Oh, would you look who it is!
Here you, you keep your
grubby claws off my fella
- you little fuckin' cretin!
- It's all right, love.
- I'll box her head in!
- Come on no, we'll go in.
- No, it's okay.
- They're rotten things!
Do you smell that?
Mother of God,
she's AB negative.
One dabble of that
and you're hooked.
She'll be great
for the raffle later.
Excuse me, can I help you?
Would you come with us, please?
There's a raffle
we'd love you to take part in.
A raffle? Ah here,
are you from the Lotto?
I sent that scratch card
in months ago!
Yeah, that's it,
you're a winner!
- Congratulations!
- Ma, wait.
Here, put them in the fridge!
- They're a bunch of vampires.
- Yeah,
and they've been
praying on me for years,
and what is it you said?
More chance of being hit
by lightning?
Well good job your poor aul
mother didn't listen to you!
Yeah!
Come on!
Wait 'til you see what
we have lined up for you.
Yoo-hoo!
She's raging.
Here, is Marty presenting it?
Aw, I watch him every week,
I love him.
Just be glad it's not you, yeah?
See ya!
They took Ma,
you have to help her.
- What are you doing, come on!
- She all right?
Listen Deco,
with your Ma out of the picture,
we can inherit this house.
Here, yeah,
we talk about it later love.
Jaysus!
Listen. Look at me.
I know she's your ma,
but truth be told,
she never gave a fuck about you.
I'm the one who cares about you,
I'm your family now.
- All right?
- All right.
Hello?
Yeah, emergency services?
What're you doing,
they're going to kill her!
She never gave a fuck about me,
why should I care about her?
Stay where you are,
you'd only end up
getting yourself hurt.
Just do as you're told.
Wow!
Jeez, I'm bleedin' parchin' now.
Right, I'll go down and see
if there's anything left
in that old bollocks, Henry.
See your stupid brother,
he's gonna ruin everything!
Get dressed, we have to stop him
from saving your Ma!
Come on, will you?
Put your little willy away!
Fly after me!
I already tried that.
Not like me, pal.
Ah!
Right.
Wait for me!
Right...
Aw, no...
Calling all taxi drivers.
We have a vampire situation
in The Crypt Nightclub,
requesting immediate back-up,
over.
Sorry there son, I have
a fare out to the airport.
I won't make it over.
Crypt club?
Sure that's on
the other side of town,
not bursting me balls
driving over there.
Yeah, forget about it!
Make a hard left.
Oh fuck.
Go away!
Fuck off!
Get off me motor, Natalie!
Please make a U-turn.
Listen Matt,
forget about your Ma!
We can all live together.
Nobody absolutely
wrecking your...
head.
Agh!
Go away, Natalie!
Go away!
Get off me, Natalie!
Oh-oh-oh, perfect.
Couldn't write it.
Sounds like it's lit in there!
We appreciate your donation.
Sorry, we're full tonight.
I have friends in there,
I have to see them.
They don't want to see you!
- Ha, ha, ha!
- Ha, ha, ha!
Yeah, I get it, but I'm just
gonna head on in.
Go that way again
and see what happens,
go that way
and see what happens.
I'll just go this way.
Go that way
and see what happens,
either way I have you covered
in all corners, pal.
- Look, I'm cool!
- I don't, I don't think
you're that cool, he doesn't
think you're that cool,
I think you should get
your little tiny legs
and go for a jog pal, yeah?
That way.
I just want to go in
to my friend.
Wow, going to just talk to the
man, pretend I'm not even here?!
Do you know
what I did to him last week?
He was in hospital
because of this and this.
So talk to him again.
I'm only buzzing with you,
go on in!
Ah, he's all right, go on,
scared the shite out of him.
Enjoy the night.
He has no friends.
She's a maniac,
Maniac on the floor
And she dances like
She never danced before
She's a manic,
Maniac on the floor
And she dances like...
I know why you're here tonight.
Raffle tickets?
Just the one, please.
Thank you.
Greetings my children
of the night!
Are you all ready
to get wasted?!
Tonight, we have
a very special prize!
This is a tasty little morsel
to get the evening going.
And she is... AB negative!
And the winner is...
Red...
37!
Red 37, before it goes off?
Come on,
we haven't got all night.
Red 37 anybody?
- I have it!
- We have a winner!
Yes!
I think you should have her
now before we all get thirsty.
Yeah, I'm excited.
- Oh, yummy!
- Get away from me neck!
- Ma, it's Matt.
- I know it's fuckin' Matt!
Get a move on will ya,
for fuck's sake!
Here, I have the ticket here,
that's the ticket!
It's a fix it is!
I should be drinking that
aul wan's blood, not him!
- Bloody raffle me hole!
- Get up, go, go!
Get after them!
Come on!
Go, go, go, go, go!
- Ma, hurry up.
- Oh Jesus.
Oh Jesus,
Holy Mary Mother of God!
Go, go, go.
Leave my son alone
or I'll break you in half!
You should be ashamed
of yourself,
a man of your age taking blood
that doesn't even belong to you!
Get off me you fuckin' bitch!
You stupid bleedin' vampire!
He had that coming.
Come on, go, go, go.
Declan!
Oh my God, look at you.
- What's wrong with you?
- What?
Give us a look.
Oh no, are you a vampire?
Oh my God,
you ought to be a bloody
ashamed of yourself,
and look at him,
he's pissed, he's pissed!
No I'm not, I was pouring
the booze all over the ground!
I have them here!
The ringleaders.
Deco?
Look.
- Any day now, Deco.
- Yeah, I'll get it in a second.
Stop foostering
with that fucking thing.
I always end up
cleaning up after you.
Jaysus Christ,
I'm only after risking my life
- and you're giving me grief.
- Yeah well it's your fault
I'm here in the first place!
Everything that
comes out of your mouth,
blame, blame, blame,
blame him, blame her,
blame everybody,
you blame everybody
but your bloody self!
- Can you stop?
- Take a good look at yourself.
You think I haven't looked
at myself before, no?!
Yeah well, you'd want to take
a good look at yourself now,
I swear you had me up to there,
it's your bleedin' fault!
My ears are ringing,
will you shut...
I'll tell ya
I'll pull the ears off you!
- I'm sure you will!
- I will!
Will you stop fighting?!
Ever since you were five,
you were a waste
of bleedin' space!
Very fuckin' nice, Ma.
Thank you.
A bloody waste of space!
It's no wonder
I'm on the tablets!
Enough!
Will you both just stop!
Do you have any idea
what it's like
to be in the middle of this?
Ma, stop calling him a waster.
- There ya go.
- Deco, have some respect.
Do you honestly think
this is the right time
- to be having this conversation?
- Yeah, I do.
And we're taking it in turns
cooking breakfast from now on...
Ah no, no,
I love your breakfast.
I always burn the breakfast,
like do you want to eat
your breakfast like...
It's something
you'll have to work on.
And Deco, if you rob from my
store again, I'm reporting you.
And I'm taking my room back.
Every inch of it.
Now shake hands.
Come on!
Okay, now I think we should run.
Oh.
Oh, oh God!
Go up the top, there's an exit!
- Are you sure you'll be okay?!
- I'll stay and help Deco!
Right, I'll get home so,
I'll stick you a fry on!
I'll say a prayer for you!
- Need more than a prayer!
- Let's go, let's go!
Come in and close it!
Yeah!
Deco!
Agh, me face!
What are you doing?!
I thought I recognized
that fat head!
Oh yeah?
Get away from him!
Deco?
Deco?!
You're a disgrace!
Betraying your own kind.
What a pathetic little
pint-sized weed you are.
You're gonna be a great
little helper for us!
Like Henry, you're nothing!
He doesn't have
a patch on me, son.
Go on, are you gonna cry
to your Mammy now?
- No!
- That's right.
'Cause I'm gonna drink her blood
right after I drink yours!
It's garlic!
It burns!
Yeah?
Do it!
Go over there, go over there.
Any way out?!
No.
We're trapped.
I'm sorry for being
a crap brother.
You weren't much
of a vampire, either.
You done it!
Oh my God, you done it, Deco!
- I bleedin' done it!
- I knew you could, I said it.
Ah, fuck.
- Woo!
- Holy God.
It's like Ma's breakfast,
ya know!
Like an action movie.
- I finally got me wings!
- Unbelievable!
You're a hefty bastard!
It's all muscle.
Say hello, Matt.
Hello!
You'd hate to be walking though,
wouldn't you?
Ready to go for a dip, watch it!
- Watch out for the bridge!
- No really, watch out for it.
Whoa!
Whoa, just about.
You done the bleedin' splits!
Nearly took the balls off me.
Right come on,
take us home there.
Here we go, sharp turn.
Down we go.
Thank you for flying
with Deco Airlines.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
I told ya you could do it, Deco,
You'd get a clap for that
landing, wouldn't you?
I told ya you could do it,
you were farting all day!
I nearly bleedin' hurt me hole
in the Spire!
I know, did you see me dodge
the bridge doing the splits?
I thought you were a goner!
Oh my God...
You're me best mate, Deco,
what are you?
Your best mate.
Oh my God,
thank God you're back!
- Are you okay?
- Oh yes, I'm okay!
- Are you okay?
- I'm all good, yeah.
Aw, good.
Deco...
Do you want to come in?
Yeah.
Only for a cup of tea now.
Uh-uh.
We were decaying
The stars were being polite
And you were on about how
When the gods are playing
They don't know
How to feel right
Without maiming
Someone special
Oh maybe it's hard to be
Normal when you're special
Oh how I long to hear you
Tell the world
Deco?
Ah, how are ya pal?
Can you hear me?
Yeah, I can year ya.
- How are ya gettin' on?
- Grand yeah, you?
Ah well, to be honest with you,
I wanted to ask ya...
I'm after gettin' me
new coffin, look.
- Jaysus, yeah.
- Size of the bleedin' thing!
I fit in it though,
I've already lied down on it.
Yeah, I've been sleeping
in the wardrobe,
one on of the hangers.
Come here, this is all in
a different language,
I don't understand shite.
It has to have an English
version on it.
That's the one
I don't understand.
It's just pictures,
usually that's better for me...
Yeah, show us the pictures.
We'll work it out from that.
- Can you see that?
- Yeah, so see the way they have
labels on them;
one, two, three, four...
- Five, six, seven, eight.
- That's it!
How's you anyway, how's things?
Here, what's the story
with this coffin?
Doesn't look like
you've done anything.
Have you just been soddin'
around here
- playing with yourself?
- No, I'm talking to...
- Alright! Alright, Natalie?
- Oh my God! Heya, Matt!
- What's the story?
- What's the story?
Oh my God, you're lookin' well.
This is a great reunion Deco,
isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
Here, look me neck,
you little bastard.
Aw, stop.
Oh my God,
it's actually killing me.
I'm surprised to see you here
Natalie, you know that?
Here look, we better go anyways.
So, good chatting to you Matt...
I'll see you soon Deco, yeah?
I'll take a photo in the
coffin when it's done, yeah?
Yeah, do, yeah.
Alright go on, take it easy pal,
love you brother.
See ya!
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be a friend
Of mine because I love you
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be a friend
Of mine because I love you
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be a friend
Of mine because I love you
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be a friend
Of mine because I love you
I've retired
Please take my last record,
Put it on the fire
I've retired
Please gather all my songs
And put 'em on fire
I've retired
Please take my last record,
Put it on the fire
I've retired
Please gather all my songs
And put 'em on fire
Come on!
Let's split up!
I say don't you know
- You say you don't know
- I still got it!
I say take me out
Listen Irish,
you drink, you pay.
I know what you're after.
Me last night of freedom...
and I'm not wearing
any underwear!
What?!
You scared of a woman
who knows what she wants?!
Help me.
- What?
- Help me...
I need...
Aw sorry,
I don't speak Romanian.
- Help me.
- You shot a man?
- I've no leus.
- Help me...
- I need blood.
- Bleedin' junkie!
The thrill of the chase.
It gets the blood pumping.
Garlic chip.
Get out of my way,
you fuckin' creep, ya!
- Have a good night pal!
- Ah, me bollocks!
When I'm out walking
I strut my stuff
And I'm so strung out
I'm high as a kite
I just might
Stop to check you out
- Let me go on
- Matt!
- Like a blister in the sun
- Breakfast!
Matt!
- Big hands, I know...
- Where's the breakfast?
Come on, I'm starving.
Body and beats,
I stain my sheets
I don't even know why
My girlfriend,
She's at the end
She is starting to cry
Let me go on
Like a blister in the sun
Let me go on
Big hands,
I know you're the one
And the winning numbers
from last night
were 17, 35, 23,
14, 6, and 31.
That's 17...
I don't believe it.
Not a single number.
You've more chance
of getting hit by lightning.
Enough of your negative vibes.
- What're you looking at?
- I'm going to work.
Look at him!
The bleedin' size of your head!
Shut up you two fat-heads.
Who'd you think
you're getting smart with?!
Alright, fuck sake...
Save your horn for your wife!
What the fuck is wrong with ya,
ya bleedin' moron ya!
Let me go on
Like a blister in the sun
Let me go on
Big hands,
I know you're the one
It's a sunny, bright,
lovely day out there today
by the way...
- Deco came by the store again.
- Agh! Me finger.
Stay away from him,
d'ya hear me?
I can't help it if he shows up.
What're you doing back here?
I'm just sayin'
hello to me brother!
You're my best mate.
What are ya?
- Your best mate.
- Best mate.
Matt? Matt!
It's for your own good.
Deco is a user,
just like your Da.
And don't be listening
to his shite.
And if I see him anywhere
near here again,
he's as good as dead.
The stress he put me under!
Like why'd you think
I can't give these up?!
Here, Ma, I'll put it out.
- You go up and get ready.
- You're a good boy.
- Sorry.
- What are you doing here, Deco?
- I need to go inside...
- You can't, Ma's upstairs!
Think you're a bleedin'
bouncer, are ya?!
Skin's burnin' up,
it's like bleedin' Ayia Napa.
Just put some factor 50 on.
I'm after hurtin' myself, look.
You came here
to show me a hickey?
No! I was at a party
and some bird
had a go on me neck.
I've nowhere else to go either.
You know I don't, Matt.
I don't know
what to do with meself.
- You can't come in.
- For fuck's sake,
will you just let us in
the poxy door!
Why you getting angry for?
You're not coming in, alright?
You owe me,
or have you forgotten?
Okay, just for a minute.
Stay quiet.
Well are you
inviting me in or what?
Yeah, come in.
Ah, you're me best mate.
What are ya?
- Your best mate.
- Best mate.
Jaysus there's a bleedin'
smell in here.
That's just the garlic fries
from last night.
- Get them away from me!
- Relax!
Said you wanted to wash
yourself, there's the sink.
Ah!
Ah!
What are you doing?!
You don't believe me, do ya?
Agh!
Agh!
Agh, It must be that bite
I'm after gettin'!
So what exactly
happened last night?
I was at a club with the lads,
the place was bleedin'
buzzin' it was.
That's a bleedin' banger
that is, what?
How's it going bud, y'all right?
Fuck off, so.
So I went to the
jacks after holding down
the dance floor
for about an hour,
then this young wan
appears out of nowhere.
Now you are definitely my type!
Ah look, here comes the bride!
I think you're in
the wrong toilets, love.
Oh, very easy now...
There's someone in here!
Nearly bled me dry!
Next thing I remember,
I woke up on the green.
- What about your girlfriend?
- Okay Matt,
I'm going to head off.
- Have you got your lunch?
- Yeah.
Well go on, get a move on,
you don't want to be late.
You'll end up like that good
for nothing brother of yours.
Here, do you know
where the plasters are?
They should be
in the top drawer there.
They're not in the top drawer,
I left them over here somewhere.
Took a lump out of that finger,
I'm tellin' ya that now.
- What's that smell of smoke?
- It's probably your smokes.
Sayin' there's a smell
of smoke off me,
bleedin' cheek of ya.
Right, I'm gonna go
to work now, okay?
The penguin bars
are in the press,
now help yourself, love.
Shut up!
I forgot. They're in the
bottom of the fridge.
- Left them there last night.
- Okay, see ya, Ma.
Shut up!
My hand's near gone on fire!
How'd ya explain that?!
Wait a second,
you've been bitten on the neck,
you're allergic to sunlight...
Agh! Fuck off!
And you don't like
the garlic fries...
You know what this sounds like?
I'm not getting enough
Vitamin D.
- Yeah, I need to take...
- No, no, no,
I think you're turning into...
That's my only clean shirt!
Oh, sorry buddy, I...
Deco, what are ya like?
Fuck off!
Deco, put two and two together.
- Eh, four.
- No, you're a vampire!
A what?!
A fuckin' vampire!
What are you insinuating?!
Look at yourself in the mirror!
D'ya see what I mean?!
No, that mirror's broke!
There's nothing wrong
with that mirror!
Oh, bollocks!
You can't stay here now.
Put your hood up and get out.
Ah Jesus, where'll I go?!
Go up the country or somethin'!
What, and stay
with the culchies?!
I'd rather be fuckin' dead!
Deco you are dead!
- I'm your own flesh and blood.
- And it's all over me!
We go upstairs
and play Desert Strike?
I don't even have that game,
you took that game off me!
- Fuckin' rob ya that game!
- No, no.
No, get out, Deco.
What do you want me to do?
Kiss your bleedin' feet?!
I'm beggin' ya man, please!
I'll burst into dust out there.
I'm a vampire for fuck's sake.
Alright, alright.
I'll text in sick.
Jaysus, what's gonna happen me?
Henry,
I've just spotted another one
of those bleedin' vampires.
I'm on the way.
It's fuckin' Natalie!
If she finds out I'm a vampire,
I'll get dumped!
Didn't think you
cared that much about her.
No, she's my everything, she is.
I'll have to lay low
for a while.
Let it clear itself up,
like when I had herpes.
She's put up with a lot of crap.
- This could be the last straw.
- What?!
Do you love her?
Do I love her?!
Love her, he says.
You have fifteen
messages in your inbox.
Deco,
where'd you end up last night?!
I wore me nice knickers
and everything for ya,
ya little fool.
Here, will you call me back
when you get this,
I wanna see if you're alright,
I wanna make sure
you're not in a bleedin'
dumpster somewhere.
You better call me back or
I'm gonna box the head off ya!
I don't know what came over me,
obviously I'm just a little bit
worried about ya.
Right, I love ya,
you're not going to get into
trouble, just, just ring me.
If I find out
you're cheating on me,
I'm gonna kill ya,
d'ya hear me?!
Every member of my family
is gonna be after you!
Go and fuck yourself!
Call me back.
Right, I love ya.
Jaysus. I couldn't think
of anything worse
than being a vampire.
What's gonna happen
when word gets around
and people start avoiding me
like the plague?
Deco.
People do that anyway.
Look on the bright side,
you get to sleep in all day,
you might be able
to claim a disability.
If I can't go out
during the day,
how am I gonna sign on,
ye thick?!
What you want me to do?
Go out and skip
with the bleedin' bunnies?!
Does Ma ever ask about me?
Or does she just pretend
I don't even exist?
I think she misses ya.
Yeah, like the desert
misses the rain.
- Super powers!
- What are you smokin'?!
Vampires have super powers!
Turn into a bat and fly around!
Ah, I don't know.
- Just try it, try it.
- Alright!
Jaysus.
Eh...
- Jaysus!
- You are filthy.
Sorry about that.
I think you need
to see a doctor.
Ah no,
I'm just eating loads of eggs.
I'm on this protein plan
where I have...
No, Deco!
For the vampire thing.
Number one for all the hits.
Something new
is coming to Dublin,
get on down to The Crypt Club,
opening tonight,
23 Kilbride Street,
with special drinks promotions
before midnight. The Crypt Club,
where the party never stops.
Agh!
Sound.
No way!
D-Doc, doctor on call,
anytime, anywhere.
- What're you doing, Deco?!
- Any chance of a bit of blood?
- Ah here, no.
- Just a tiny bit, come on.
Come on, I'll only have a sip.
- No, I'm trying to help you!
- Come to your brother.
Get away from me!
No, fuck off!
Alright, alright,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'll call the doctor
and we'll figure this out.
- Stay away from me neck!
- Jesus, you're a lifesaver.
- Don't make me do it again.
- Alright, I'm sorry.
I'll just go down
and wait downstairs.
Yeah.
You don't think I've a bit
of a lisp with these, do ya?
Yeah, it's very noticeable.
- Ah, fuck.
- Close the door!
Hello?
I need a doctor, ASAP.
Where's the patient?
This way, thanks for coming.
Just in there.
This is Deco.
He was bitten on the neck.
We think he's a vampire.
Google it, did ya?
Everyone's a bloody expert
these days.
Don't eat him.
Right.
Right. A little privacy
if you don't mind.
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
Yeah, okay.
Ow!
Bloody door.
Just ah, open your mouth
and say, 'ah.'
Ah.
Hey spud, who'd you murder?
Just pickin' me nose earlier.
Gave meself a nosebleed.
What would you...
what would you drink on average?
Ah, just a pint or two at the
weekends, you know yourself.
Ah well,
we'll let you away with that.
- Are you on any medications?
- No.
Just methadone...
and Nembutal,
Tuinal, Valium, Librium,
and cod liver oil.
Right, now, eh...
Zip the top down and lie back,
we're gonna check your heart.
Yeah.
Relax, close your eyes.
Now,
keep your eyes closed,
I want you to
take in a deep breath and hold.
Deco isn't back here, is he?
He still owes me money.
No, Deco hasn't
been back in years.
I can smell a lie.
I'll keep watch.
I might have left
my dark days behind,
but if I find out Deco's back,
I'll be over there
to break up the party
and stick his fucking
head in the oven.
Have a good day.
Agh!
You nearly got me in the heart!
Right, straighten ya.
Come on ye bollocks!
The bleedin' strength of ya!
Deco, get off him!
Deco!
Oh, bollocks!
Alright?
Can I get the spare key,
- I'm after locking myself out.
- Yeah, come in. Moron.
And this is Adrian Kennedy here
and we're talking about people
who suck the life out of us.
Just take, take, take and never
give anything back in return.
Do you hear that rubbish?
The real bloodsuckers
are the people in charge.
- Frank, the key?
- The key is money.
Now, between you and me
I might have a few nixers
- on the side if you're...
- No, that key. Can I have it?
Oh, the key, yeah.
Now bring it straight back,
yeah?
Little fucker.
Come on out!
Why?!
So I can stake you.
Fuck off!
Hey!
Stay out of it!
I don't want to hurt you...
anymore.
Nice one!
Ragh!
Oh.
Agh!
Agh!
What'll we do with him?
- Henry Montgomery.
- He's a fuckin' Brit!
I knew it!
That dodgy Irish accent.
Why you trying
to kill me brother?
And why'd you have
a photo of the woman
who bit me in the neck?
Speak or I'll put that nose
into the back of your head!
- Aw, you...
- Sorry!
- That's fuckin' payback, you.
- You heal.
Why you trying to kill him?
Because he's a vampire,
you eejit.
And the woman who bit you
is my fiance, Sheila.
Yeah well, it's a free country,
- she can do what she wants!
- She was a vampire.
And you are cause
you got bitten by her!
Hang on,
I thought you said the woman
you were with last night
was a young wan?
- I said...
- Chasing grannies now, are we?
You absolute dirt bag!
I'll bleedin' brain
you in a minute.
Alright cougar catcher,
relax horny.
Watch your fuckin' mouth!
Are you not a bit long in the
tooth to be getting hitched?
I'd given up years ago.
Then I met my Sheila.
I mean,
we have our ups and downs,
but we decided to get married.
I had my stag do,
we took an old
Victorian Rail line
through Snowdonia,
because I'm a member of the
Welsh Highland Rail Society.
And the Welsh Highland Heritage,
as well as the
Branch Line Society.
I love it,
steam engines, it's great.
Old, old world.
Where was the hen party,
Transylvania?
It was, there was a deal
on flights to Bucharest.
That's fair.
When Sheila came back to Dublin,
the woman I loved was gone.
There was nothing of her left.
Except for the drinking
and the... infidelity.
Then after that, she...
She was out jumping
from Billy to Jack
leaving a trail of vampires
around Dublin and I was...
having to pick up after her.
It was my civic responsibility,
I felt.
You sure you're not just a bit
jealous that a bleedin' hunk
from Dublin took your missus?
No, it's definitely
for the good of the city.
I drive a taxi around Dublin
and I've seen all sorts.
But this is something new.
Sheila and those hens
are out there every night,
the vampire population
is rising.
Oh.
Anyone in Dublin
could be their next victim.
But not if I get there first.
Can we get a move on,
Speedy Gonzalez?!
- We've a party to go to!
- Sorry, Liz!
You, out!
Fuckin' clown, you.
The other taxi drivers
are my eyes and ears
around the city.
Okay, right,
I'm gonna try Glasnevin,
might be a few of them bozos
hanging around the cemetery.
Roger that, over and out.
I had a tip off from
another driver about him.
Henry, I've just spotted
another one of those
bleedin' vampires.
I was waiting for
an opportunity.
And then I saw
a doctor arriving.
- Hey!
- What...?!
Sorry about that.
Once he's bitten his first
victim, he will be hooked.
It's just a matter of time,
that's why you have to die pal,
simple as.
No, no, I'm not
going to bite anyone, Matt.
If I had a pound for every time
I've heard a vampire say that.
He's trying to turn you,
that's it.
Don't listen to him!
He's talking out his old arse!
You did try and bite me earlier.
And he will again,
and again and again
and again until he does.
His blood lust will only grow.
Henry shut up you,
or I'll beat the head off you!
Oh, is that what you want?
You want a taste
from the carotid,
or, or, or,
would he prefer the vertebral?
- Deco, get away from him!
- Yeah, Deco!
- You shut up as well!
- Ha, you're laughed at.
- Such an eejit.
- Who's an eejit?
- He is.
- Who is?
- You are!
- I am?
- You are.
- I am?
He is?
The problem is you.
You're the one who let him in.
You're the one indulging him.
You're the one who can't say no.
What are you getting from this?
Does it make you
feel better to help him?
What if he doesn't
drain someone,
- he could turn back human again?
- No.
They all bite someone
sooner or later,
just stake him now.
Look, I'll just go cold turkey,
I've done it before,
and I'll do it again.
Look, I know this
is hard but it has to be done.
If we don't nip this in the bud
then the whole city
will be overrun
with these blood-sucking sods!
Where's Henry?
Look,
I don't know where Henry is.
That's what your
last friend said.
Mago!
Oh...
Love a bit of Dublin blood.
Now, we're opening up
this club tonight
and I don't want Henry
coming over and spoiling it.
I told him it's over.
But he keeps stalking me.
I swear to God,
I don't know where he is!
I've no problem with your kind!
If you want to lure
innocent people into a club,
and turn them into vampires,
that's your own business.
Each to their own,
that's what I say,
each to your own.
Yeah?
It's Henry that has the problem.
Not me.
He won't rest
until he ruins your plans
and turns you all
into a bag of ashes!
That's all he talks about.
That!
And... trains.
He's mad for the trains, he is.
Well, he is a member of the
Welsh Highway Rail Society.
And the Branch Line Society.
What's a branch line society?!
He shows off his card
at the rank.
Trains. That's it.
Trains. We'll say cuckoo
for choo-choos!
Follow me.
Hey-hey-hey-hey!
Can I... can I head on now?
Don't drain him dry!
We need to build up our numbers.
No! No! No!
Amanda, wait 'til you see this.
Him and his fuckin' trains.
- Aw, stop the lights.
- Look at that!
He got me
that for me hens weekend,
- keep me warm.
- State of it.
Aw.
Here, you can track
his scent from that.
- Ooh, we'll get him with this.
- And after the club tonight,
we'll have enough vampires
to take over this city.
Nice one.
Choo-choo!
Don't worry Deco,
I'm not going to kill you.
I'm going to help you,
this is for your own good.
Yeah, I know.
Just have to be ready
for when the cravings kick in.
Look, I have all
of this under control.
Alright? But if it gives you
peace of mind to tie me up,
suppose I'm happy
to do it for you.
Fuck!
Get me out of these ropes,
I'm fucking parched!
Please! Just a drop!
That's all I'm asking!
Sure I'm tied up,
I can't do anything,
just drop it on me tongue!
Just put it there, look!
What's a bit of blood
between brothers?
Look, you owe it to me!
The big guilty look on ya!
He's lying!
What are ya looking at him for?!
Ugh, for...!
What are you doing tapping away
with that fucking finger?!
Lookin' up about vampires.
Trying to see if there's
anything I can do to help ya.
"A vampire
is usually a suave individual,
in possession of great wealth."
Last time I seen that finger,
it was pointed at me.
What started
all this fuckin' shite.
If I didn't get kicked out
of the gaff,
I'd be out livin' my life,
I'd be a... I'd be...
- You'll be what?
- I'd be a... pilot!
Matthew...
Matthew...
Listen to your brother, Deco.
Now bring him some blood...
Ignore him.
Go back to your computer.
For now...
Matt, we could try something.
We could sort out his fangs,
once and for all.
What do you want me to do?
Get a set of braces?!
No, get rid of them!
Before, before he bites someone,
well that would...
stop the urges,
like, like neutering a cat!
Da left the toolbox
under the stairs.
We can get the pliers
out of that.
Oh, did he? Oh, good.
Yeah, I'm sorry
if I don't jump for fucking joy
at that idea!
Oh you, I'm tellin' ya.
Oh, if I get me hands on ya!
You'll know about...
Come on, Ireland.
David O'Leary is entrusted
with taking the penalty.
This kick can decide it all.
The nation holds its breath.
- And the other one.
- Wait, wait, wait...
No, no, alright, alright.
Just give us a second pal,
just...
Did it stop the cravings?
It didn't work!
Payback.
Aw, you bastard ye!
Wait 'til I get
a hold of you, pal!
See your neck,
it's first on my list!
Not if I stake you first.
Come on, push yourself over!
I'm trying, you asshole!
You can't even get over a step,
no wonder Sheila left you!
- I'll break your nose!
- Shut up!
I was reading up
on that website about vampires.
Vampires can drink any blood.
That means animals, too.
Any blood will do,
I'm not very peculiar about it.
Don't give him any blood.
Let him waste away.
You shut your mouth,
I'm sick of your bright ideas!
What do you want,
a dog or a cat?
I've always wanted a cat.
You're not getting
a pet here Deco,
you're gonna have
to bite into it.
Ah, yeah.
Mr McCarthy
down the road has a dog.
Ah Jaysus, you couldn't
eat a Jack Russell!
Yeah. Too snappy.
I'll think of something.
You two behave yourselves.
So where did you
plan the honeymoon?
Fuck...
and you're very welcome back
and thanks very much
indeed for joining us,
and if you were
listening earlier,
we've been talking
about bloodsuckers,
and Rob brought up
the topic of vampires,
now we'll go to line one,
how are ya, Rob?
Yeah, I just want to say I'm
after waking up there
this morning with
a puncture in me neck...
those vampires are coming
over here, all over...
Now...
Piss.
I'm horrified
by what I'm hearing.
We're just living our lives...
You're only a bloodsucker,
yeah?!
Lying in your coffin all day!
You need a dose of reality, pal!
You wait until it get's dark...
Messages coming in
and the advice seems to be
don't go near them,
steer clear of them.
- Matt?!
- could not wait.
The second day of our
honeymoon was going to be,
we were going to on
the Frecciarossa,
the high speed train
from Rome to Naples.
It reaches speeds
of 220 miles an hour,
with over 72 daily connections,
some of which are
non-stop service.
Does that answer your question?
Very much so,
thank you very much, Henry.
Kill me now.
I think I have something
that might help.
Sorry buddy,
it just has to be this way.
G'wan.
Take a swig out of it.
Sure he has no neck on him.
He's no use to me.
You have to try.
Ah, he's too furry.
I could stick a straw in him.
He's a rabbit,
not a Capri Sun, Deco.
Try again.
Ah, Jaysus.
Sorry, pal.
- Ah, the little bastard bit me!
- Jaysus, I'm not into that!
Tastes like bleedin' carrots!
- I hate carrots!
- You're a shite vampire!
That's a waste of good blood!
I want the real thing!
Come here to me!
You set him off!
Get us out of here!
Hurry!
Come on! Come on!
Come on!
Take your time, Matt,
take your time!
He'll calm down in a minute,
as long as you don't
give him any more blood.
Where's me fuckin' rabbit?!
Where's me fuckin' rabbit?!
Oh, Nidge...
Where the fuck...?
Where the fuck...
Nidge?
There ye are,
ye little bollocks.
Matt get this dirt-bag off me!
I can't hold him!
Aw, fuck.
The mad bastard's
done a bomb dive!
Deco, leave him...
Fuck!
Come on, get up.
Come on!
No! No, leave me alone!
- Get into the light!
- No, no, no!
- Get up!
- I seen the bleedin' devil!
I've seen the devil!
I've seen his eyes!
It's not true!
I'm trying to help you!
Let go, Deco!
Don't let me go,
you little bollocks!
- Deco, let go.
- Don't let him in!
Matt, get in there, stop him,
don't let him drain him
because if he drains him,
he'll become a vampire!
No, no, no, if he drains him,
he won't be a vampire,
he'll be dead!
Will I let him drain him
or not?!
Just get in there and stop him!
Ah here, you're scaring me now.
Deco...
Before you say anything,
you should have a sip.
Vintage blood from...
A great year.
You said you wouldn't
bite anyone!
Ah, what?!
He was a scumbag,
sold me my first hit.
He's ruined enough lives.
Henry says to drain him dry,
unless you want him coming back.
Happy days!
Snowdrops and daffodils
Butterflies and bees
Sailboats and fishermen
Things of the sea
Wishing wells,
Wedding bells
Early morning dew
All kinds of everything
Reminds me of you...
I'm after necking
those few pints fast.
I feel ashamed of meself.
That blood...
has gone straight to me head.
Don't you be judging me now.
I didn't even like it.
Just curiosity.
I'm not into it anymore.
Anyways, look,
you clean up this mess,
you owe it to me.
You owe me!
You owe it to me!
All I see is wires here
and I want to know
where that fuckin' telly is
or you will be out
that door in two minutes flat!
I am going to explode!
Maybe someone robbed it
or something, like.
- Do you know who robbed it?
- Dunno.
No, he says he doesn't know.
Did he fuckin' rob that telly?!
Who stole the telly?
I fuckin' knew it!
I don't owe you anything!
It's your own fuckin' fault
you got kicked out
in the first place!
You were a junkie!
And Ma was sick of you robbing
shite from your own house!
And yeah, I ratted on you.
Cause I didn't wanna come down
them stairs one morning
and find you lying
on the ground dead
with a needle sticking out
of your fucking arm!
I'm done feeling guilty
about that, Deco.
I didn't betray you,
you chose that shite over me!
I... do you know what?
I don't know if I care anymore!
'Cause I feel nothing
towards you.
Nothing.
You're wound up.
- Sit down.
- I fucking hate you.
Honestly, me own brother,
Ma does, too.
Says it all the time.
Biggest regret of her life
was having you.
Yeah, well I'll get to live
forever now, won't I?
I'll get to see
the two of you dead.
You'll always be on your own.
No one to love you.
Who the fuck's this
annoying me now?
Aw, it's Natalie.
Alright, Natalie? It's Matt.
Me and Deco are around
in the house, 18 Joel Street.
You should come around,
he'd love to see you.
No, no,
what are you after doing?
Wait 'til she sees
you're a vampire.
I bet she dumps you.
I'll take care of this.
Wait.
I want you to teach me
how to kill vampires.
I'm tired of getting
pushed around.
My stake of choice has a one
and a quarter inch diameter
for optimum grip.
And sandalwood is my preference,
because it's such
a versatile wood.
It's both light and strong,
it's just a personal choice,
you find what works for you.
Agh!
Well, that's the...
that's the blunt end.
How'd you make the pointy end,
with a sword or something?
Under the ribs.
Ragh!
What's that?!
It's time that little boy
became a man.
Good.
Better.
Easy!
Focus.
Killing vampires
is like train spotting.
You let them come to you.
Of course, those railway
locomotive traction maintenance
depots like Willesden,
where they're all lined up
and waiting for you.
Deco!
Open this door!
I know you're in there!
Deco!
I can actually see you,
ya thick.
A lathe might be a bit quicker.
- So where exactly is the heart?
- In the centre.
A little bit to the left.
I don't think I can do it.
Look, Matt,
Deco just killed
a friend of yours.
- Well...
- A good man.
- Eh...
- Well, a human being.
Yeah.
Okay, fair enough.
You've got blood
on your hands now.
- What?
- You've got blood on your hands
- you should wash them.
- Alright, thanks.
Me and Matt were out
playing ball in the garden.
Some day for it.
And what?
The ball just bit your neck,
did it?
Right, tell me.
You're making
a bleedin' psycho out of me.
Just tell me
what's after happening.
- I, eh... I, eh...
- Will you stop say "Eh"?!
Will you just tell me
what happened?!
Why you looking
to the right for?
That means you're lying Deco,
that's psychology!
Look, it's not about
another bird.
You want us to see other people,
is that what all this is?
- No!
- Cause if it is Deco,
it's not like
I haven't had any offers!
- What other offers?
- Mick O'Connor for one thing.
And he has a better
Ronnie than you do!
That little bit of bum fluff
on your lip, state of you!
He's been growing his
twice as long,
thank you very much.
Stacey's friend said
that there was some bleedin'
aul one chewing
the face off you.
Do you know what Deco, I'm done.
I'm over this conversation.
All right, wait!
I was at a party,
and there was this bird,
but she attacked me
and she bit me in the neck.
And I'm a...
I'm infected with something.
Whatcha mean you're infected
with something?!
With what?!
Be very open minded about this.
Here it is, here it fuckin' is.
Here's your big moment, Deco.
Just say it.
She turned me into a vampire.
Listen, once you've killed
your brother,
I've been looking for
an apprentice.
Sheila's having a party tonight,
we could finish this
once and for all.
How are ya, Henry?
Sheila sends her love.
How did you find me?
Aw man, you smell good.
Matt, training!
You can't come in,
I won't invite you in.
Ah now, come on.
Don't think you can say
a shed's accommodation, what?
Well there are landlords
that might disagree with you.
Agh, you little bollocks!
Henry, I didn't mean it,
Henry, hurry up, get up!
Henry!
Aw, fuck.
Up the Dubs!
Henry, get up, come on.
Oh, Mommy,
I don't wanna go to school...
You have a snooze,
I'll be back in a minute.
- Do you know what I think?
- Aw, Jaysus.
I think that's bleedin' deadly.
- What?
- Deco, I love all them vampire films!
Team Edward
and Team Jacobs and all that!
- Team Deco?
- Oh my God, gas.
Yeah, look at me fangs
as well, look.
Are they meant to be that small?
- What?
- I'm only messing!
They're lovely little fangs.
Here...
Oh?
Would you like a bit of that?
- What?
- Go on, get in there.
- Make me a vampire.
- Oh, oh no, no, no, stop it.
No, you don't know
what you're doing!
- Deco, make me a vampire.
- No!
- Go on.
- No, it's not funny.
I know you want to!
- It's no joke.
- What're you doing?!
The state of your Ronnie!
That Henry fella's
got in your head.
I thought you
cared about Natalie!
She asked for it!
It's never your fault, is it?!
No like,
she literally asked for it.
Hello?
All right, Ma?
What's wrong with you,
you sound out of breath?
Yeah, I'm just in work,
I'm grand.
I'm doing the shopping,
text me if you need anything.
Alright go on,
I'll call you later.
Don't be killing
yourself now, love.
Deco, what're you doing?!
Come here and I'll bite you.
Deco, don't be at my foot,
don't do it!
Get that bit of wood
out of my face!
Matt! Let me in, Matt!
Please help!
Oh, please!
Oh, I'm burning!
Ow, my skin, oh...
Please...
At least we got to hang out,
one more day.
That's tasty as fuck, that is.
Nat!
Natalie!
Oh, fuck.
I couldn't kill me brother.
Eejit!
I'm kicking him out,
as soon as the sun goes down.
- Seriously.
- I mean it!
- Ha!
- I've had enough.
Ha, dick!
I brought you your jacket.
Gets cold out here.
Thank you.
Come on Willy,
you've been on that for ages,
will ya hurry up!
Woah, woah, woah,
where you going with this?
Put it in the corner,
I've already told you this!
Guys, we're open in two hours.
Yeah?
Can we hurry this up a bit?
Why you looking at me
like you don't understand
what I'm saying?
I'm saying it very clearly.
Sheila, can you...
Sheila, are you okay?
Sheila!
Amanda's dead.
Did you just get psychic
abilities right now?
Like, did your mind just tell
you that, do we get that?!
No, she just didn't reply
to my text messages!
- Oh.
- We need to go sort this.
Well I can't leave,
or these clowns
will turn this place
into a dental clinic
by the time we're back.
Fair point.
It's time me and Henry
broke up face to face.
You stay calm,
you don't wind him up.
- I've got this.
- You have!
I'm Zen.
Well...
She's Zen.
She's Zen, she's said she's Zen.
She's Zen.
Don't worry love,
you just walk it off,
you'll feel better.
Look, I thought I was a goner,
but look at me now, what?
Oi, you two.
It's nearly time to go.
Get your things.
What are you talking about,
you fool, ya?
The sun'll be going down soon.
Get your umbrellas.
You can go on, it's safe now.
Ah, you're trying to trick us.
We're gonna stay right here
until it's pitch black
out there.
Once your fangs start growing,
you've a lot more energy.
Healing, strength, agility,
and I'm definitely smarter!
But everything has
its drawbacks.
- Like the poxy sunlight.
- Oh, really?
And I don't think vampires
can get boners.
- Oh really?!
- Yeah.
No, no,
I think you're thinking
of zombies, you thick.
Don't call me a thick.
I actually find that
very offensive.
- I think you should apologize.
- I'm not apologizing for that.
Very mature.
I'm sorry, Deco,
I didn't mean to...
cross any lines there
or hurt your feelings.
Don't worry about it, Matthew.
Anyway!
I actually think
I'd be very good at it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah cause I love going out at night.
She does.
Plus you get to be immoral
and live forever and all that.
- It's immortal, not immoral.
- Shut up you, you thick!
That's what I'm after saying,
I-mor-dal!
That's all this country needs.
More bleedin' vampires.
Ah, fu...
Change of plans.
Henry!
- What are you doing?
- Oh, I was about to, um...
You do know that you've
killed a lot of people?
You're the one
killing my friends!
That's worse!
You're the one who's going out
at night biting new people
and creating new vampires!
And I know about
your club later.
Why are you being so mean?!
You're making me out
to be a monster!
This obviously meant
nothing to you!
You care more about
trains than me!
That's not true.
Ooh, wait...
I didn't think the 9:30
from Howth to Bray
was operating on a Sunday.
Name one thing
you loved about me!
- You're smart.
- Please! So vague.
I love the way you always
spoke exactly the way you felt.
You're such a nerd, Henry!
You don't mind it.
Just stake me
and get it over with!
- Yeah, stake her.
- You shut up!
Oh, oh!
Ha, they must have updated
their timetable.
Henry!
Idiot.
Hate break-ups.
Someone always gets hurt.
Oh, Henry you never
tasted so good!
Any chance of a bit of blood?
Oh, would you look who it is!
Here you, you keep your
grubby claws off my fella
- you little fuckin' cretin!
- It's all right, love.
- I'll box her head in!
- Come on no, we'll go in.
- No, it's okay.
- They're rotten things!
Do you smell that?
Mother of God,
she's AB negative.
One dabble of that
and you're hooked.
She'll be great
for the raffle later.
Excuse me, can I help you?
Would you come with us, please?
There's a raffle
we'd love you to take part in.
A raffle? Ah here,
are you from the Lotto?
I sent that scratch card
in months ago!
Yeah, that's it,
you're a winner!
- Congratulations!
- Ma, wait.
Here, put them in the fridge!
- They're a bunch of vampires.
- Yeah,
and they've been
praying on me for years,
and what is it you said?
More chance of being hit
by lightning?
Well good job your poor aul
mother didn't listen to you!
Yeah!
Come on!
Wait 'til you see what
we have lined up for you.
Yoo-hoo!
She's raging.
Here, is Marty presenting it?
Aw, I watch him every week,
I love him.
Just be glad it's not you, yeah?
See ya!
They took Ma,
you have to help her.
- What are you doing, come on!
- She all right?
Listen Deco,
with your Ma out of the picture,
we can inherit this house.
Here, yeah,
we talk about it later love.
Jaysus!
Listen. Look at me.
I know she's your ma,
but truth be told,
she never gave a fuck about you.
I'm the one who cares about you,
I'm your family now.
- All right?
- All right.
Hello?
Yeah, emergency services?
What're you doing,
they're going to kill her!
She never gave a fuck about me,
why should I care about her?
Stay where you are,
you'd only end up
getting yourself hurt.
Just do as you're told.
Wow!
Jeez, I'm bleedin' parchin' now.
Right, I'll go down and see
if there's anything left
in that old bollocks, Henry.
See your stupid brother,
he's gonna ruin everything!
Get dressed, we have to stop him
from saving your Ma!
Come on, will you?
Put your little willy away!
Fly after me!
I already tried that.
Not like me, pal.
Ah!
Right.
Wait for me!
Right...
Aw, no...
Calling all taxi drivers.
We have a vampire situation
in The Crypt Nightclub,
requesting immediate back-up,
over.
Sorry there son, I have
a fare out to the airport.
I won't make it over.
Crypt club?
Sure that's on
the other side of town,
not bursting me balls
driving over there.
Yeah, forget about it!
Make a hard left.
Oh fuck.
Go away!
Fuck off!
Get off me motor, Natalie!
Please make a U-turn.
Listen Matt,
forget about your Ma!
We can all live together.
Nobody absolutely
wrecking your...
head.
Agh!
Go away, Natalie!
Go away!
Get off me, Natalie!
Oh-oh-oh, perfect.
Couldn't write it.
Sounds like it's lit in there!
We appreciate your donation.
Sorry, we're full tonight.
I have friends in there,
I have to see them.
They don't want to see you!
- Ha, ha, ha!
- Ha, ha, ha!
Yeah, I get it, but I'm just
gonna head on in.
Go that way again
and see what happens,
go that way
and see what happens.
I'll just go this way.
Go that way
and see what happens,
either way I have you covered
in all corners, pal.
- Look, I'm cool!
- I don't, I don't think
you're that cool, he doesn't
think you're that cool,
I think you should get
your little tiny legs
and go for a jog pal, yeah?
That way.
I just want to go in
to my friend.
Wow, going to just talk to the
man, pretend I'm not even here?!
Do you know
what I did to him last week?
He was in hospital
because of this and this.
So talk to him again.
I'm only buzzing with you,
go on in!
Ah, he's all right, go on,
scared the shite out of him.
Enjoy the night.
He has no friends.
She's a maniac,
Maniac on the floor
And she dances like
She never danced before
She's a manic,
Maniac on the floor
And she dances like...
I know why you're here tonight.
Raffle tickets?
Just the one, please.
Thank you.
Greetings my children
of the night!
Are you all ready
to get wasted?!
Tonight, we have
a very special prize!
This is a tasty little morsel
to get the evening going.
And she is... AB negative!
And the winner is...
Red...
37!
Red 37, before it goes off?
Come on,
we haven't got all night.
Red 37 anybody?
- I have it!
- We have a winner!
Yes!
I think you should have her
now before we all get thirsty.
Yeah, I'm excited.
- Oh, yummy!
- Get away from me neck!
- Ma, it's Matt.
- I know it's fuckin' Matt!
Get a move on will ya,
for fuck's sake!
Here, I have the ticket here,
that's the ticket!
It's a fix it is!
I should be drinking that
aul wan's blood, not him!
- Bloody raffle me hole!
- Get up, go, go!
Get after them!
Come on!
Go, go, go, go, go!
- Ma, hurry up.
- Oh Jesus.
Oh Jesus,
Holy Mary Mother of God!
Go, go, go.
Leave my son alone
or I'll break you in half!
You should be ashamed
of yourself,
a man of your age taking blood
that doesn't even belong to you!
Get off me you fuckin' bitch!
You stupid bleedin' vampire!
He had that coming.
Come on, go, go, go.
Declan!
Oh my God, look at you.
- What's wrong with you?
- What?
Give us a look.
Oh no, are you a vampire?
Oh my God,
you ought to be a bloody
ashamed of yourself,
and look at him,
he's pissed, he's pissed!
No I'm not, I was pouring
the booze all over the ground!
I have them here!
The ringleaders.
Deco?
Look.
- Any day now, Deco.
- Yeah, I'll get it in a second.
Stop foostering
with that fucking thing.
I always end up
cleaning up after you.
Jaysus Christ,
I'm only after risking my life
- and you're giving me grief.
- Yeah well it's your fault
I'm here in the first place!
Everything that
comes out of your mouth,
blame, blame, blame,
blame him, blame her,
blame everybody,
you blame everybody
but your bloody self!
- Can you stop?
- Take a good look at yourself.
You think I haven't looked
at myself before, no?!
Yeah well, you'd want to take
a good look at yourself now,
I swear you had me up to there,
it's your bleedin' fault!
My ears are ringing,
will you shut...
I'll tell ya
I'll pull the ears off you!
- I'm sure you will!
- I will!
Will you stop fighting?!
Ever since you were five,
you were a waste
of bleedin' space!
Very fuckin' nice, Ma.
Thank you.
A bloody waste of space!
It's no wonder
I'm on the tablets!
Enough!
Will you both just stop!
Do you have any idea
what it's like
to be in the middle of this?
Ma, stop calling him a waster.
- There ya go.
- Deco, have some respect.
Do you honestly think
this is the right time
- to be having this conversation?
- Yeah, I do.
And we're taking it in turns
cooking breakfast from now on...
Ah no, no,
I love your breakfast.
I always burn the breakfast,
like do you want to eat
your breakfast like...
It's something
you'll have to work on.
And Deco, if you rob from my
store again, I'm reporting you.
And I'm taking my room back.
Every inch of it.
Now shake hands.
Come on!
Okay, now I think we should run.
Oh.
Oh, oh God!
Go up the top, there's an exit!
- Are you sure you'll be okay?!
- I'll stay and help Deco!
Right, I'll get home so,
I'll stick you a fry on!
I'll say a prayer for you!
- Need more than a prayer!
- Let's go, let's go!
Come in and close it!
Yeah!
Deco!
Agh, me face!
What are you doing?!
I thought I recognized
that fat head!
Oh yeah?
Get away from him!
Deco?
Deco?!
You're a disgrace!
Betraying your own kind.
What a pathetic little
pint-sized weed you are.
You're gonna be a great
little helper for us!
Like Henry, you're nothing!
He doesn't have
a patch on me, son.
Go on, are you gonna cry
to your Mammy now?
- No!
- That's right.
'Cause I'm gonna drink her blood
right after I drink yours!
It's garlic!
It burns!
Yeah?
Do it!
Go over there, go over there.
Any way out?!
No.
We're trapped.
I'm sorry for being
a crap brother.
You weren't much
of a vampire, either.
You done it!
Oh my God, you done it, Deco!
- I bleedin' done it!
- I knew you could, I said it.
Ah, fuck.
- Woo!
- Holy God.
It's like Ma's breakfast,
ya know!
Like an action movie.
- I finally got me wings!
- Unbelievable!
You're a hefty bastard!
It's all muscle.
Say hello, Matt.
Hello!
You'd hate to be walking though,
wouldn't you?
Ready to go for a dip, watch it!
- Watch out for the bridge!
- No really, watch out for it.
Whoa!
Whoa, just about.
You done the bleedin' splits!
Nearly took the balls off me.
Right come on,
take us home there.
Here we go, sharp turn.
Down we go.
Thank you for flying
with Deco Airlines.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
I told ya you could do it, Deco,
You'd get a clap for that
landing, wouldn't you?
I told ya you could do it,
you were farting all day!
I nearly bleedin' hurt me hole
in the Spire!
I know, did you see me dodge
the bridge doing the splits?
I thought you were a goner!
Oh my God...
You're me best mate, Deco,
what are you?
Your best mate.
Oh my God,
thank God you're back!
- Are you okay?
- Oh yes, I'm okay!
- Are you okay?
- I'm all good, yeah.
Aw, good.
Deco...
Do you want to come in?
Yeah.
Only for a cup of tea now.
Uh-uh.
We were decaying
The stars were being polite
And you were on about how
When the gods are playing
They don't know
How to feel right
Without maiming
Someone special
Oh maybe it's hard to be
Normal when you're special
Oh how I long to hear you
Tell the world
Deco?
Ah, how are ya pal?
Can you hear me?
Yeah, I can year ya.
- How are ya gettin' on?
- Grand yeah, you?
Ah well, to be honest with you,
I wanted to ask ya...
I'm after gettin' me
new coffin, look.
- Jaysus, yeah.
- Size of the bleedin' thing!
I fit in it though,
I've already lied down on it.
Yeah, I've been sleeping
in the wardrobe,
one on of the hangers.
Come here, this is all in
a different language,
I don't understand shite.
It has to have an English
version on it.
That's the one
I don't understand.
It's just pictures,
usually that's better for me...
Yeah, show us the pictures.
We'll work it out from that.
- Can you see that?
- Yeah, so see the way they have
labels on them;
one, two, three, four...
- Five, six, seven, eight.
- That's it!
How's you anyway, how's things?
Here, what's the story
with this coffin?
Doesn't look like
you've done anything.
Have you just been soddin'
around here
- playing with yourself?
- No, I'm talking to...
- Alright! Alright, Natalie?
- Oh my God! Heya, Matt!
- What's the story?
- What's the story?
Oh my God, you're lookin' well.
This is a great reunion Deco,
isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
Here, look me neck,
you little bastard.
Aw, stop.
Oh my God,
it's actually killing me.
I'm surprised to see you here
Natalie, you know that?
Here look, we better go anyways.
So, good chatting to you Matt...
I'll see you soon Deco, yeah?
I'll take a photo in the
coffin when it's done, yeah?
Yeah, do, yeah.
Alright go on, take it easy pal,
love you brother.
See ya!
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be a friend
Of mine because I love you
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be a friend
Of mine because I love you
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be a friend
Of mine because I love you
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be
A friend of mine
You will always be a friend
Of mine because I love you
I've retired
Please take my last record,
Put it on the fire
I've retired
Please gather all my songs
And put 'em on fire
I've retired
Please take my last record,
Put it on the fire
I've retired
Please gather all my songs
And put 'em on fire