Let's Kill Grandpa (2017) Movie Script
1
Merry Christmas, sir.
- What can I do for you.
- The question is what we can do for you.
- We're here to introduce you
to the power of Jesus Christ.
It's only going to take a
few moments of your time.
But the benefits
shall last you all of eternity.
- Well, I appreciate that,
but I already know Jesus.
Oh, that's great!
- And Jesus and I have an understanding.
I don't fuck with Jesus and
Jesus doesn't fuck with me.
- Hi, Sherry.
Oh good morning, you must
be the new secretary.
- Administrative assistant.
- Oh.
- I identify as androgynous
and gender fluid.
When you refer to me, I
prefer you use the pronoun ze.
- Grab me another latte, huh, sweetheart?
Hey Carl.
- Where's Teddy?
- In Bermuda, yachting
with one of my clients.
- Why are you in his office?
- Oh shit, they didn't tell you?
- Tell me what?
- Have a seat, Carl.
When I was a boy, my father said to me,
if you win something
with bad sportsmanship,
you didn't win anything at all.
That poor bastard died a broke cuckle.
Now Carl,
you've been a valuable
asset to the company
and we really appreciate
all the things you've done
for us throughout the years.
But the company's moving
in a different direction.
- What does that mean?
- On behalf of Blumenthal,
Sanchez, and Ryan,
we're gonna have to let you go.
- You stole my clients, you
stole everyone's clients.
This breaks my heart, Carl.
You're such a nice guy.
You keep your mouth shut
about my clients, okay?
- Hello?
Hey Carl, it's Ted Levine.
Just calling you about
the interview yesterday.
- Oh yeah, hey.
Unfortunately, we've
decided we're going to move
in a different direction.
- No look, I've been out
of work for two months.
I could do anything, anything at all.
I could be someone's secretary.
I mean, administrative assistant.
Sorry Carl, I wish you the best.
- Please--
- You're such a nice guy.
- Who the hell is calling
at this hour, Carl?
- It was just a telemarketer, honey.
- Merry Christmas, Carl.
Carl.
Carl.
Carl.
Carl.
Carl.
Carl!
Carl, wake up!
Hello, wake up, Carl, earth to Carl!
You need to get up right
now and go to the office
because the Christmas bonus
is not delivering itself.
The final
tiara goes to Bridget.
- Hee-hee.
- Goddammit.
- I like Bridget.
- If you could only see
the dress she's wearing,
you could see she's got no class.
- She has a kind soul.
- Only you, big bro, only you.
Oh, thanks babe.
Just gotta run a quick errand.
- Here you go.
- Thanks Jen.
Pancakes.
- Oh shit, I forgot my phone.
- Hey Carl, it's Brett, I'm
in your neck of the woods,
wanted to run something by you
before we went to Grandpa's house.
See you in a bit.
- Hey, Ray, hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, Jerry.
- Right.
- Jerry Ryan I work with--
- With Carl, yeah, yeah.
- Happy Hanukkah.
- Yeah, no, happy holidays.
- Right, I was actually just stopping by
to see the bastard now.
Is he up there?
- Oh shit, he didn't tell you?
They let him go a couple of months ago.
Yeah, they got some prick
from Harvard or Yale
doing his job at half the salary.
- Really?
- Yeah, I heard that poor
bastard ain't even found
a job, yet, man.
It's a tough market.
It's fucking dog-eat-dog.
Anyway, woof.
All right, happy holidays,
pal, happy holidays.
- Right.
- Hey honey.
- I can't find my wedding ring.
- Oh no, geez.
Well, I noticed you haven't
been wearing it lately.
Have you seen it?
- No, I, uh, no.
I mean, did you check in the jewelry box?
- Of course I checked the jewelry box.
You don't think I checked the jewelry box,
the one place the ring belongs?
In the jewelry box.
- Yeah, yeah, sorry.
Well, I'm sure it'll turn up.
Are you packed and ready
to go to Grandpa's?
- Well, did you get the bonus?
- Honey, you're gonna be mad.
What?
- I, well, they said, Jerry
said there was supposed to be
a guy in the office from payroll today,
but he didn't show up.
- Okay, I wanna talk to your boss.
Because if you're not gonna
be man enough to handle this,
then I will handle it.
I wanna talk to Teddy.
- He's not here, Leigh,
it's Christmas Eve.
No one's here.
- We are late on the mortgage, Carl.
You told me that they promised you
the Christmas bonus today.
Seriously?
- Leigh! Leigh!
- You the guy from Craigslist?
- Why are you wearing a mask?
- Why are you wearing a mask?
- Just trying to be discreet
on the off chance that we know each other.
- All right, small world.
You got the ring?
Ah, yeah, look at that.
My mamacita's gonna melt my butter
when she sees this sparkling baby.
- You never said why
you're wearing a mask.
- Yeah, because I'm
here to fucking rob you.
- No, no, no, no!
- Give me the money.
- Give me the money!
- It's Christmas!
- No, no, no!
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh my God, oh my God.
Fuck. Fuck.
On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Five gold rings
Four calling birds, three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
On the 11th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
- Okay, enough.
- Enough, thank you.
What's that smell?
And a partridge in a pear tree.
Doesn't look
like Grandpa's home.
Are you sure he's here?
No, no, no, he said
he had a doctor's appointment.
She's gonna leave the door open.
- Look at these architectural details.
This woodwork is phenomenal.
- Well, there's water
damage in both bathrooms.
It looks like he hasn't
cleaned this place in 20 years.
- It's a fixer-upper, I'll grant you that.
But you can't ignore
the comfy, cozy quality
of this bucolic beauty.
I mean, just think of the
dinner parties we'll have here.
All our friends coming up here to visit us
in this regal, A-frame chateau.
Now would you please give me
a little something-something
under this yuletide mistletoe, hm?
- Hello!
- Hey, Merry Christmas, Leigh.
- Hello, Leigh.
- Merry Christmas, Jen.
Aren't you festive in your
little holiday sweater,
you Christmasy thing, you.
- Not nearly as festive as you, Leigh.
- Well, just trying to bring holiday cheer
to the royals in their future castle.
- It's more of a dungeon.
- Hey, Merry Christmas, Carl.
- Merry Christmas.
- I'm glad you brought your horn.
- Yeah, I figured I'd
set the mood for romance
in front of the ladies later on.
- Nice, you gonna break
us out with some Kenny G?
I'm breaking your balls.
You look good, pal.
Hey, any word from Grandpa?
How's he doing?
- So the doctors just wanted
to run some last-minute tests
on his arrhythmia, but turns
out he's healthy as a lark,
God bless his soul.
- It's healthy as a horse.
- Whatever.
- Happy as a lark.
- What's a lark?
- It's a festive little woodland bird.
They grace the forest with
their graceful morning songs.
That's where the saying comes from.
I guess they're pretty
happy-go-lucky little creatures.
- You are just a plethora
of useless information,
aren't you, Carl?
Now would you tote the bags, please?
- Nothing wrong with having
an appreciation for nature
that I'm aware of.
- What?
So, anyway, uh,
I was thinking we should just
have the business conversation
up front, so it's not looming
over us all weekend long.
I know it's a little awkward
that Grandpa's giving us
the 2.2 million and you guys are getting
this really cute house.
But I was thinking, you know,
maybe we should just respect
his judgment and move on.
- We've moved on, Leigh.
- Oh great, we need to
get a Christmas tree up
in this house.
So, what's it like taking care of Ray?
- Ugh, he eats and shits like a gorilla.
It's like taking care of a zoo animal.
There, I said it, terrible.
- You're a saint, Jen.
- Mm-mm.
- It drives me to drink.
And don't even get me started on Brett.
- Why, what's wrong?
- He goes off at night to write.
God knows where he really goes.
- You don't think Brett's...
No way, what, with who?
- I don't wanna to think
about that, okay, Leigh?
- Okay.
If it makes you feel any better,
I thought Carl was cheating
on me a few years back.
- Carl would never cheat, you
have him on a choke chain.
- I'm telling you, I kept catching him
in all these little white lies.
So one day, I trailed the
bastard on the way to work.
I watch as he walks into
this garden-level apartment.
Lights turn on.
He sits down, and some guy walks over
and starts running his
fingers through Carl's hair.
And then I look over and I see the sign.
Dr. Lipschitz, Cosmetic Surgeon.
Yeah, I caught the bastard, all right.
He was having hair implantation surgery.
- Carl has plugs?
- Yeah, don't you ever tell anyone.
- But he's got such great hair.
- Well, now you know why.
- This place is really nice.
You got lovely old school charm.
- Don't bullshit me, Carl,
this place is a fucking dump.
Hey, did you get a haircut or something?
Looks different.
- Oh, I started combing it different.
Does it look okay, or?
- Yeah, it's good, it's
a good look for you.
Let's get that fireplace cracking, Carl.
- How did you get away with it?
I mean, how did you tell
Jen you got laid off?
- Laid off, Carl, I volunteered.
I told my boss if it came down to mine
or someone else in my department's head
going on that chopping
block, let it be mine.
I obviously never told Jen that,
but that's how it all went down.
That's on the DL, by the way.
- Oh yeah, I'd never say anything.
- Carl, I'm gonna say
something right now that's,
it's a funny thing to say out loud.
And I'm only admitting
to it because I know
that you'd never say
anything to the wifeys.
- Of course not.
- I've been having all
these crazy dreams lately
about what it might be
like to euthanize Grandpa.
What?
- Don't bullshit me, Carl.
I know you've been having them, too.
You got that 2.2 mill
coming down the pipe.
Let's think, that longevity
on that side of the family.
Come on, new hip here,
heart surgery there.
Putting him in a fucking home?
Carl, that leaves your inheritance
like it's a blue plate special.
And you're telling me you
haven't had any dreams?
- What?
- Come on, Carl, we're fantasizing.
In my fantasy,
I usually get him with a little rat poison
in his prune juice.
It's the least detectable.
I mean, not that they'd
ever do an autopsy.
They rarely do on the elderly.
They just assume they go
out on their own accord.
So what about you?
How have you been getting?
- I, uh, I can't believe
I'm telling you this.
I pushed him down the stairs.
- Nice.
No fingerprints, smart.
What else?
- I suffocate him with his pillow.
- You animal.
- Oh, and I bludgeon him with an anvil.
Is that cliche?
Carl, you're a scary guy,
you're scaring me.
- You're a crazy guy.
- It's fun talking about
stuff like this, isn't it?
It's fun to fantasize.
- It's sick is what it is.
We're a couple of sick puppies.
- It just seems like you're always getting
the shit end of the stick, Carl.
And it breaks my heart.
I mean, you're my brother-in-law
and I care about you,
I really do.
- I care about you, too.
So what are you saying?
- I'm saying I drove
over here a few weeks ago
to take care of things.
- Take care of what?
- What have we been talking about, Carl?
I came here to stake our
claim, to put him to sleep.
- Geez, Brett.
- Don't bullshit me, Carl.
I know you've been thinking it, too.
We just established this.
- Thinking it, maybe, but
what you're saying is,
I mean, there's a big
difference between thinking--
- And doing, exactly.
The difference is ultimately
what defines a man's character.
So as I'm driving onto
his street that night,
I start thinking about you.
How maybe this was the type
of thing that you needed
to be doing.
And instantly, the following
thoughts start permeating
into my mind.
And I'm only saying this because
you're my brother-in-law.
I start hearing, "He's a
loser, he'll only fuck it up.
"He's anxious guy, those people
push him around all day."
And then I thought, no, no,
no, no, that's not true.
I thought my faithlessness
in you is based completely
on all the bullshit lies
you've been telling yourself
all these years.
That you believe these
lies so much about yourself
that you've got me believing in them, too.
And that's when I
realized, he can do this.
In fact, he needs to do this.
And who am I to deprive
him of that opportunity?
So I pulled into his neighbor's driveway,
turned around, and headed home.
Because for me, this is nothing.
I'm there already.
I'm living the dream, Carl,
and I don't give a fuck.
But for you,
for you,
this could be life-changing.
This could be the first step
down the road less traveled.
- I'm not murdering my wife's grandfather
if that's what you're talking about.
- Don't use that word, Carl.
We're putting him to sleep.
Be the hero, Carl.
Be the one who makes all of
our holiday wishes come true.
Freshen up his tea with
a little bit of this.
We'll celebrate in the morning.
I'll cook you some flapjacks.
It's
Beckham, sprinting away!
- Go, go, go, go, go, yes!
- Haha, woo!
That is what I am talking about!
Cheers to the Giants bringing us home
the shiny Lombardi trophy.
- Mm-mm, do you think they'll bring that
over to your house later
or do you think they'll
swing on over to my place
for Brett to enjoy?
- Looks like you're
having a little too much
holiday cheer, Jen.
You're getting weird.
- Yeah, let's start
phasing out the egg nog
and start introducing the water.
- I think I'm entitled to a drink or two.
I worked all week.
- What the fuck is going on here?
- Grandpa!
- You walk around my living
room with your shoes on?
We take our shoes off
when we walk around here.
- Is everything okay, Grandpa?
- Healthy as a 50-year-old,
that's what he said.
Of course, my first wife died at 50.
I don't listen to any of
those lying bastards anyway.
- Well, you look wonderful, Kenny.
You look like a 50-year-old.
- Bullshit, pal, human
beings don't look wonderful
at my age.
We look like overgrown prunes.
And I'll tell you something,
some day you'll look just like this, okay?
So save all that bullshit for someone
you're trying to stick you're dick in.
- Hi Grandpa.
- Oh, will you look at this?
You're right, Leigh,
she's becoming a lush.
- Here we go.
- What a shame to be given
the wonderful gift of life,
just to drink it all away.
- Do you remember Carl, Grandpa?
- I can't say he made
much of an impression.
Does he talk?
Do you talk, you say something?
Well, what are you, a man or a mouse?
- I'm a man.
- Bullshit you are.
- Women are the new men.
Clits are the new cocks.
Cocks are clits.
It's all topsy-turvy now.
- Be nice, Grandpa.
- They're coming out of the woodwork.
- Happy 80th, Mr. Larkin.
- Ah see, the only one to say it.
What the hell happened to you?
- I was in an accident in Afghanistan.
- You're a soldier?
- I was.
Do you even know what we're fuck
you were doing over there?
- We're fighting terrorists, Grandpa.
We're putting an end to terrorism.
- And we're damn proud of you, Ray.
- Terrorists, we're all terrorists.
What, I can't open my mouth up anymore?
- We love you, Grandpa.
- Are you gonna give her a baby?
Or is she gonna waste her
life waiting for some drip
to perform like man?
You know, she's not getting any younger.
Her oven is getting cold.
- In due time, Kenny.
Everything in due time.
- You mean like menopause?
Where are you going Grandpa?
- I'm going to feed some raccoons.
You know, you feed them
lunch and then they come back
and try to eat their way
back into your fucking house.
- Okay.
- Oh hi, Kenny.
- What are you doing up?
- I was wondering, are
there any extra blankets?
- Ah, did that heater go out again?
Geez.
Listen, I didn't mean anything
about what I said before,
you know, it's just that
these wars just piss me off.
- That's okay, it didn't bother me.
- Have some tea, I've
got some water boiling.
I'll give you some Sleepytime.
- Oh no, that's okay.
- You like honey, I got
honey, too, upstairs.
All right, honey?
- Okay.
- Happy birthday.
- Eh, it's no big deal, you know.
But one thing I have learned,
and that is you have to
celebrate every day you're here,
because it's over before you even know
what the hell hit you.
- You're happy, though.
I mean, you had a good life.
- Hey, I'm not dead yet, all right.
Don't go burying me, for God's sake.
- No, no, no.
- Thank you for throwing
dirt on me.
- No, I meant to say so far.
- I'm teasing you, the old
man's just teasing you.
Don't get upset.
- Do I smell weed?
- Yeah, I've been smoking since the '60s.
Yeah, they were good times then, you know?
We almost made a difference, here.
- Oh.
- It's kind.
- It's kind he says.
- Yeah?
Yeah, it is.
- Hey.
Hey Carl.
- I can't sleep.
- Something on your mind, pal?
- Oh no, nothing,
nothing worth mentioning.
- Wrestle with the demons,
they come out at night.
- Yeah.
- Hey, come in here, have a seat.
- Yeah, have a seat, Carl.
Hey, you want a pull?
- Oh, no, no, it doesn't agree with me.
I get paranoid.
- Ah, not on this stuff you won't.
You'll be asleep before you even know
what the hell hit you.
- She won't know.
- Yeah, relax, huh.
You know, you're on vacation here, pal.
You've got a lot of tension
in those shoulders, you know?
- You have very strong hands.
- Well, they have to be
strong to work the soil.
We have to have more reverence
for the soil, you know?
They're destroying, they
destroy everything that's good.
Like they killed that young Kennedy boy.
He wasn't afraid to stand up
to them, so they killed him.
That's how you know
you're a good president,
when they kill you.
- Wow, when they kill
you, you know you're good.
That's right, sure.
We kill our heroes and
we praise our villains
and give them all kinds of awards.
It's a very topsy-turvy land.
- When we die, do you think we grow wings
and go to a better place?
- Yeah, yeah, we become plants.
And then we become angels.
- Just like plants.
- Sure, we're all angels deep down inside.
How about you, you have something to say?
You wanna speak up here?
- Well, my mouth is dry.
- You want some tea?
- Sleepytime is good.
- Uh yeah, I, yeah, I'll
have, that sounds good.
- All right, let me get you some.
- No, I'll get it.
- I'll get it, relax.
- No, no, I'll get it.
- Sorry, Kenny, do you
want some more hot water?
- Yeah, yeah, I just need a
little more water, thanks.
I don't
- Well, you know, nice
to have a little service
every now and then, you know, right?
You're sweaty and you're a little pale.
Yeah, what's on your mind, pal?
- It's, uh, nothing.
- Well, remember this, whatever it is,
listen to what's deep down inside.
Don't listen to what they want you to do.
You have a choice.
You always have a choice.
Unless they put you in
one of those prisons.
- I don't wanna be,
I'm tired of being locked up.
Then get out.
- He's a very smart man, you
should listen to him, Carl.
You should get out, let yourself go.
- Yes, it's no good carrying
around this tension.
You'll give yourself a heart attack.
You probably clogged up all your arteries
with all that worry.
- Do you know, do you
know what's going on?
- Hey, if you smoke the right
plants, you know everything.
- What's so funny guys,
is something funny?
- Who wants breakfast?
Over the river and through the woods
To Grandmother's house we go
Da da da da da da da da
And through the shining snow
Over the river and through the winds
Some flapjacks for you Leigh
- Thank you Brett, those look amazing.
- Hopefully they taste amazing.
Hey babe, good morning.
- Good morning.
You're chipper this morning.
- Yeah, there's a lot to
be chipper about, babe.
All of us gathering as a family
makes me feel kind of
warm and tingly inside.
Feels good.
Feels good to be alive.
Well, well, well,
look who's finally decided to
grace us with his presence.
Good morning, sunshine.
- Good morning.
- Looks like someone got a little visit
from the hair fairy, huh, honey?
Sorry.
- What are you sorry about?
- I don't know.
You all right, pal?
- I'm fine.
- He's always like this in the morning.
He's a total zombie
until he has his coffee.
Isn't that right, Carl?
- Yeah.
- Well, let's get you set up, then, pal.
How do you take it?
- Huh?
- He really is a zombie.
- How do you take your coffee, bro?
- Earth to Fog, come in Fog.
- Oh, regular, I take it regular.
- Snap out of it Carl,
you're embarrassing yourself.
- Hey, shouldn't Grandpa be up by now?
I thought he always
rose with the roosters.
- You know what, he went to
bed pretty early last night.
Maybe someone should check on him.
- I'd like to finish my drink
before having to deal with
him, thank you very much.
- Yeah, well, I'll check on him
because I'm starting to get worried.
- Oh don't.
- What?
- Let him sleep, he probably needs it.
They need their sleep at that age.
- It's 10:00 a.m. Carl,
I'm checking on him.
- Don't, don't go in there, Leigh.
Why shouldn't
she go in there, Carl?
- Because he's...
He's what?
He's what, Carl?
- He's, he's dead.
What?
- He passed away, he must've
gone in his sleep or something.
I'm sorry.
How do you know?
What happened?
- I went in there early this morning
looking for some matches.
And I asked him if he had some
and he wasn't saying anything.
So I went over to him, and I shook him,
and he wouldn't wake up.
I put my fingers under his nose
and he wasn't breathing, so I,
I didn't know what to do, so I just,
I just kept checking
and there was nothing.
He was gone.
He's gone.
- Well, what are we gonna do?
I mean, what are we gonna do with him?
- Well, I guess we call 911.
None of us should go up
there and look at him.
He's probably all blue or
whatever color they turn.
- Why didn't you do something
or tell us something last night?
- Well, what was I gonna do?
He wasn't breathing, he was dead.
- If someone's not breathing,
it doesn't necessarily mean they're dead.
- He wasn't breathing for a long time.
I checked several times.
I kept checking.
- Well, for how long?
How long wasn't he breathing?
Two or three
minutes, I don't know.
- And you didn't try to revive him?
- Yeah, why didn't you
try to revive him, Carl?
- I don't know, okay, I don't know, geez.
- You said you went in there for matches.
Why did you need matches?
- To light a fire, I
wanted to light a fire.
It was freezing in that room.
I feel like I'm on the freaking
stand right now, okay, geez.
- It wasn't even cold last night.
- 'Cause you stole all
the covers, you always do.
It was freezing.
- There's no fireplace in that room.
Where were you going to light it?
- In the den.
I was gonna sleep on the couch in the den.
This is ridiculous.
- You're a real idiot Carl, you know that?
You're a real idiot, Carl.
- I didn't kill him, okay, honey?
- Who said anything about killing him?
- Yeah, it sounds like you're saying it.
- Why would you say that?
Why would you say that, Carl?
- Because I was...
- What, you were what?
- You were what, Carl?
Say something Carl, think Carl!
- Well, what happened?
- Sleep apnea.
- Huh?
- He has sleep apnea, Leigh just told me.
You can stop breathing for
several minutes in your sleep.
- But you gave him the tea, right?
He drank it, you saw him drink it?
What?
- I didn't do it.
- What?
- I didn't put any rat poison in his tea.
I couldn't do it.
Why not?
- Because he was saying
all this crazy stuff
that was freaking me out.
I finally went back in
there this morning to
smother him with his pillow,
and I was standing there for a long time
just looking at him, and I
noticed that he wasn't breathing.
So I put my fingers under
his nose and he wasn't.
So I thought my job was
done for me, you know,
by God or whatever.
- Okay, okay, so we'll try again tonight.
No problem.
You can do it tonight.
- Uh uh, no way.
- Why not?
- I can't.
- What do you mean you can't?
- It'll freak me out way too much, Brett.
You saw the girls.
Did you notice how upset Leigh was?
- Leigh is gonna be fine.
With all your financial
burdens put to rest,
she'll get over this
very quickly, trust me.
- But Kenny, he's, he's
a human being, Brett.
- Bullshit, he's a fucking dinosaur
who should've been
extinct a long time ago.
Do you have any idea what
it's like getting Ray in
on his appointments nowadays
with all these prehistoric
animals roaming the earth
and sucking up all the doctors' time?
He'd die waiting.
And resources, to have them around
for all these unnecessary years.
The carbon footprint, Carl.
We're overpopulated.
And you call yourself a nature enthusiast?
Not exactly eco-friendly.
I've digressed.
Look, to make an omelette,
you have to break an egg.
- I'm not breaking any eggs, I'm sorry.
There's just,
there's just something
inside of me telling me no.
- So you're a pussy, Carl.
- I'm sorry, Brett.
- Okay.
Okay.
I want you to see that
inheritance now, Carl.
Really see it.
2.2 million dollars.
And now, I want you to see
how you're deliberately
flushing it deep down into
the shit-covered waters
of shit's fucking creek,
where it's devoured by all
of the little shit-eaters.
Really see yourself now, Carl,
just waving goodbye to it,
with that sorry little look on your face,
and a paddle stuck up your
ass that was jammed in there
by an unfair world that
you weren't man enough
to stake your claim in.
Nothing.
Nothing to say, Carl?
- We were drinking yesterday
and we were caught up in
too much holiday cheer
and goofing around when we--
- Oh, I see, so you think the one holding
the shit end of the
stick should be the one
that carries this out, huh?
Is that what you think, Carl?
You think I should be the
one that has to do this?
- I've stated my position, and,
I'm not gonna waver.
I'm standing my ground.
- I think you'll do it.
- Huh?
- I think you'd rather kill Grampy
than deal with the
ramifications of your wife
finding out the truth.
- About what?
- I ran into Jerry Ryan yesterday.
Yeah.
Does Leigh know that
you're unemployed, Carl?
Don't make me be the bad guy here.
- You'd never--
I wouldn't?
- Brett, you're my friend.
- And I'm trying to help
you salvage your life, Carl.
I think some gratitude
might be more appropriate.
- Sociopath.
That's a
compliment these days, Carl.
And for that I thank you.
- Don't do this, please,
please don't make me do this.
- You almost did it on your own accord.
I'm just giving you a little push.
You can do it, Carl.
Never quit on a dream.
You know, I used to play the sax, too.
You gotta have a lot of
soul to play the sax.
Hey buddy.
- Something really crazy's
going on around here.
This is gonna blow your frigging mind.
- What are you talking about?
- I was in Kenny's room last night.
- Kenny?
- Yeah, Grandpa Kenny.
It was in the wee hours.
He asked me to come in.
- Ray, you weren't supposed
to be in there last night.
- Why wasn't I supposed to be in there?
- So let's get you dressed,
we're going for a walk.
You were drinking yesterday, smoking weed.
Not to mention you just
got back from the war
where they put that damn
steel plate in your head.
- Okay, are you done?
- I'm just saying, sometimes the mind
can play tricks on us and
make us perceive things
in funny ways.
- Will you listen to me?
My perception is fine.
And what happened in that room last night
was as real as anything I've experienced
in my entire life.
You are not gonna believe this one, Brett.
- All right, what, what happened already?
- We made love like animals last night.
- What, who?
- Me and Kenny.
- Huh?
- It was raw.
It was wild.
It was animalistic.
It was everything.
This is the best Christmas ever.
- You banged Jen's grandfather last night?
You hit that?
- Oh, it wasn't like that.
If anything, he was the one in control.
- He's gay or bi?
- He doesn't feel the need
to put labels on things.
Oh man he did things to me
no man's ever done before.
It was a religious experience.
- I like it.
I like this.
You're back.
- I'm back.
- You are back.
- I'm back.
- This shit is back.
- I'm back, I'm back!
- This just in, the kid is back.
- I'm back, I'm gay, I'm getting sick.
- You are a sick puppy is what you are.
Ray, this is legendary.
You are an instant hero with the story.
Now this is the greatest
story ever told, oh man.
I can't wait to tell Dino and Jimmy,
they're gonna shit their pants.
- No, don't tell anyone, Brett.
- Whoa, whoa, easy.
Ray, this nothing to be ashamed of, okay?
So you've been hit by a pitch.
Dust yourself off, get back in the game.
- I didn't get hit by a pitch.
- It's a metaphor, Ray.
- I understand the metaphor.
And it doesn't apply here.
He's an amazing man.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're getting ahead
of yourself here, Ray.
- We were communicating without speaking.
- You were fucking high.
- I understand that.
And I've thought about it all morning,
and it doesn't change.
- Settle, Ray, okay, settle.
- That's exactly what I'm doing.
I'm settling with him.
We're getting married.
- You're what?
- I love him, Brett.
Get that through your head.
He loves me.
And we want to explore
these feelings further.
Now, we're going to have
a celebration wedding here tomorrow.
Then Tuesday morning, we're going down
to the Town Hall to make it official.
I want you to be my best man.
- No.
- What do you mean no?
- I mean, snap the fuck out of it, Ray.
You're not marrying him.
Look, you've been deprived
of sex for a long time, okay?
A man does crazy things
when deprived of sex.
Just ask a priest.
Look, you'll get past this, okay?
In a few months, when you find yourself
a normal piece of ass,
whose birth date was sometime
after fucking Prohibition.
- You're not listening to
a single word I'm saying.
I love him.
- No, no, you lust him.
I can't believe I'm saying
this with a straight face.
You lust Grandpa.
You could do better than
this, Ray, much better.
Give it some time, Jesus.
- I don't want you at my wedding.
I'll ask Carl to be my best man.
- Empathize with me, Ray.
42-year-old men do not
normally fall in love
with the elderly.
- Real love knows no boundaries, Brett.
Now do you support me on this or not?
Yes or no.
Do you?
You are as shallow as a puddle of piss.
Get out of my way, Brett.
- Ray. Ray.
Ray!
- Carl. Carl.
Carl.
He's a loser,
he'll only fuck it up.
He's an anxious guy who's
been pushed around all day.
He's a loser, loser, loser, loser, loser.
- Christmas bonus is
not delivering itself.
Be the hero, Carl.
Be the one who makes all of
her holiday wishes come true.
The hero.
- Hey, sounds like the little
morning birdies are chirping,
huh, the larks?
Yeah, hey.
- You look like hell.
- Yeah, my head feels
like a demolition site.
I feel like hell.
- Well, maybe I can cheer you up.
- Not now, Leigh.
Stop.
I said stop geez, do you wanna get caught?
- You got bad breath.
- Yeah, so do you.
- What is your problem?
- I think we need to put
the brakes on this, okay?
- On what, us?
- No, not us, I'm talking
about this project,
Project Grampy.
- Why?
- Because I spoke with Ray just now
and he just told me some very
bizarre and perverse things.
- Yeah, I know all about it.
I just had a conversation
with his soulmate.
He professed the whole disgusting thing.
- Yeah, it's grotesque.
- Yeah, it is, and potentially
a very big hindrance
as he's not trying to get his
paws into my piece of the pie.
So I'm confused why
exactly is there a problem?
- Because he loves him, Leigh.
- Jesus Christ, he
wants his fucking money.
- No, I've never seen
him so sure of anything
in his life, he's telling the truth.
- Well, then he's a filthy creeper
with a fetish for
geriatrics is what he is.
- Hey, did he make a mistake, yes.
But he's my brother, okay?
Respect that.
- No, I don't respect that.
I have zero respect for perverts.
So is this thing on or not,
because my muscles are
getting fucking cold.
What, you're gonna call it off?
We had a deal.
"Let's kill Grandpa this
Christmas," you said.
"I will convince your drip
husband to snuff him out
"so that we don't have to
do it ourselves," you said.
Remember?
Hello, remember?
I see how it is.
I see.
You care more about
that perverted gimp boy
that you do about us, fine.
Just know that you'll never
get your hands on this
again.
'Cause here's now it's gonna go down now.
Here's the new plan.
If by tomorrow morning that old hag
hasn't drifted down to
the fiery halls of hell
where he belongs, we're through.
And not only are we through,
but your marriage is through.
- You'd never.
- Oh, I will.
I will tell my sister all
about her filthy husband
and now he forced himself on me.
And I will even turn on the tears.
She will kick you out like
the unemployed vagabond
that you are.
- You psychopath.
- That's the highest compliment
a person can receive, Brett.
And for that,
I thank you.
- How are you doing?
I'm so glad you came, you know?
- Thank you.
- What are you doing over there, Carl?
- Oh nothing, just, uh...
- What, Carl?
- Leigh, I, uh...
- Oh, Carl.
- Do you remember how we
were when we first met, just
two broke college kids
without a care in the world,
just laughing, making love, smoking grass.
- Yeah, of course I remember, honey.
- We didn't have a nickel to spare, but,
somehow we were king and queen
of the entire world, hon.
- Is there something else
you wanna tell me, Carl?
- No, its just,
if we were, if we were to lose everything,
and we had to start all over again,
could you still love me?
- Why are you asking me that, Carl?
- I just,
I just wanted to make sure
our foundation is still solid.
- Well, we're not kids anymore.
We're adults in the real world.
And in the real world,
there are winners and there are losers.
I have no intention of being a loser.
So if you were to lose everything,
I would probably have to file for divorce.
Okay.
Let's get ready for Grandpa's party.
I got your outfit all
picked out and ready to go.
- I don't have an
appetite for some reason.
- It's rude to leave the table
when people are still eating.
- Everyone's done.
- I'm not done.
- Honey, I think that's enough
with the drinking this weekend.
- That's enough.
Now I've got something to tell yous
and I might as well do it now.
I'm changing the will.
Ray and I are going off to Europe
and we're not coming back.
I might even buy a castle.
- That's a wonderful idea, Grandpa.
Isn't it wonderful, Leigh?
- It's amazing.
- And whatever's left of the 2.2 million,
after I'm gone, that's
what you get, Leigh.
- Well, I don't care about that, Grandpa.
I just want you to be happy.
- Good, I'm going to see
the lawyer tomorrow morning,
first thing, to make it official.
- I think there's one
more gift under the tree.
- Get the gift, Carl.
Wake up, Carl.
Will you wipe the dopey look off your face
and get the gift?
That's my gift to Jen.
- Wow, what is that?
- That is a Native
American fertility phallus.
I made that in ceramics.
It's to bring you good luck and strength
to your sexual organs.
- Think it'll do the trick for you, Brett?
- I hope it does, Carl.
- There's one more gift
in the kitchen, Carl.
Get it.
- Well, you better pray
with all your might,
because saying no to her as a woman
is like saying no to
Mother Nature herself.
Taking all the fruit and
not fertilizing the land.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Grandpa
Happy birthday to you
And many more
- Happy birthday to my Christmas angel.
Make a wish, Grandpa.
- I already had my wish.
- Well, that was
yesterday, make a new wish.
- Uh, well, it'd be nice
if this fucking hair
would stop falling out of my head.
- Well, Carl has plugs.
Maybe he can point you
in the right direction.
- Whoa, she is bombed.
She is gonna be okay.
Oh, got your wish, Jen.
You're drunk, it's time to go to bed.
- Get your fucking hands off me
unless you wanna lose an arm.
Of course I'm drunk.
Any sane person would have to annihilated
to hang out with this family.
- Wow, your father would
be so disappointed,
God rest his soul.
- Blah, blah, blah.
- I wish you could see yourself
and what your life has turned into
when you don't think things through.
- You're just a perfect
example of human capability,
aren't you Grandpa?
- All right, party's over, Jen.
- Shut up, Leigh.
All you know how to do is criticize.
Just criticizing everything
and everyone around you
all day every fucking day.
Well, I'm sick of it!
'Cause all I need from
a grandfather is someone
to be nice and who
leaves me the fuck alone.
But look what I got, I
got a washed-up old critic
with no one around in his life
but people waiting for
him to croak already
so they can get all his stuff.
Well, I don't give a
shit about your stuff.
And living in this dump
would only be a reminder
of all the shit I've
had to endure from you
throughout the years.
Your miserable ghost haunting me,
following me around from the great beyond.
So I'm asking you, take
me off of your will.
I'm begging you to do it.
This way I never have
to see your diabolical,
heartless, wrinkly face
ever the fuck again!
- That's it!
That's your voice!
I've been waiting 20
years to hear that come
out of your mouth.
Finally, an expression of the truth.
If you could only do
that without the liquor.
- Well, don't be rude, Carl.
Pull your sister-in-law out of the cake.
- I don't know why she brought up my hair.
- It's bedtime, Carl, time to go to bed.
- Well, she showed her true
colors, that sister of mine.
She has nothing but hate in
her heart for this family.
Sorry you had to see that, Ray.
- That's okay.
And I'm gonna hit the hay now.
I've got a really big day tomorrow.
- You sure do.
- Carl?
- You scared me, asshole, what?
- Are you going up there now?
- Where do you think I'm going, huh?
Outside to make a snowman?
- Carl, this is bad.
This is really bad.
- Oh, you think so?
- I just wanted to be a writer.
Living out here would have been,
but Ray, Ray.
I just wanted him to be happy.
That's all I ever wanted.
It's all I ever wanted.
- We should end it now.
Pretend like none of this ever happened.
Get the Christmas spirit back.
- Carl, Carl, Carl.
This breaks my heart, Carl,
you're such a nice guy.
It breaks my heart, Carl,
you're such a nice guy.
- Okay.
- Carl?
Where are you going?
- I'm going in there.
What?
- What, are you fucking deaf?
I said I'm going in there.
I'm going in there, get this
fucking shit over with already.
- Morning, Ray.
- Good morning, Leigh.
- You look great.
Have you seen your groom yet this morning?
- Of course not.
It's bad luck to see the
groom before the ceremony.
Everybody knows that.
- Of course.
Have you seen him yet this morning, Brett?
You know, he really should be up by now.
Grandpa?
- Oh, I'm sure he's up.
I bet your groom looks amazing, Ray.
- Look who's suddenly on Team Grandpa.
Isn't that interesting?
Grandpa, you're gonna be
late for your own wedding!
- He's up, I'm sure.
He's probably just playing
with his hair or something.
- You're sure in a better mood today
than yesterday, Jen.
- Today, I see with new eyes, Ray.
Bloodshot, but new.
- Grandpa?
- You know, after all you've been through,
nobody deserves to be
blessed with a soulmate
any more than you do.
- I just wish we could've
gotten Grandpa a new tux.
- You know, I think we've all had it
with the loving
granddaughter routine, Leigh.
It's getting to be a bit
nauseating now, don't you think?
- You know, you may have
managed to ruin Christmas,
but I'm not going to stand here
and let you destroy Grandpa's wedding.
- I bumped into Carl last night
on my way to pouring myself a drink.
Had to sting out of the
nightmare called my life.
When I noticed Carl over there clutching
onto a big white fluffy pillow,
quivering like a frightened little puppy.
"What you doing over
there, Carl," I asked.
Poor thing, he was too scared to speak.
So I thought, Carl looks
like he can use himself
a drink, too.
So I went and I poured
us a couple of brandies
and we got to talking.
And do you know what he told me, Leigh?
He told me he'd just
gotten through storming
into Grandpa's room with
that big white fluffy pillow.
- You son of a bitch, you son of a bitch.
You live, you son of a bitch.
- Carl!
Get your ass out here now!
How dare you attempt to
do such a wicked thing.
- That's exactly what I asked, Leigh.
And do you know what he told me?
He told me, "Brett made me do it."
- Is that true, Brett?
- Of course not, Ray.
That's ridiculous, honey.
- Shut up, Brett.
Why would Brett make Carl
do such a wicked thing?
I wanted to know.
And that's when Carl mentioned
the hair plug comment
I'd made earlier in the evening.
A comment which he said
was completely untrue.
Funny, I thought.
Why would my sister make
up such a crazy story
about her husband's hair,
while I was lamenting to her
about my husband's infidelity?
- Get your fingers out
of my husband's hair.
- Tell me something, Thomas,
when you're screwing my husband,
and his teeny-weeny little peeny pops out,
as it tends to, can you even feel it?
Oh hey, Grandpa, still alive, huh?
- Yeah, thanks to Carl I am.
- Hi Grandpa, what are
you doing with the gun?
- Oh, I like to carry it.
You know, they said I can still carry it.
Not that I listen to their rules.
I have my own rules.
- Uh, I think you should
put that down for now.
It's starting to frighten us a little bit.
- But I really like holding it.
You know, it's sort of
like a comfort blanket.
You remember those little comfort blankets
you girls had when you were young?
Yeah, made you feel nice and safe?
- Yeah, I remember.
- What did yours look like, Leigh?
- Well, it was blue, with
little pink bunnies on it.
- Right, see I like to think of this
as my little blue blanket
with little pink bunnies on it,
just in case the big bad wolf
comes knocking on that door
in the middle of the night.
- Grandpa.
- I want you two to move
over to that wall over there.
Come on, move it!
Move!
Now get down on your knees,
get down on your knees.
Do it!
- Well, what about Carl?
- Are you sorry, sonny,
for trying to kill me?
- Words could never express it Kenny.
I was weak.
- Uh, relax, everybody makes a mistake.
But at the end, you were strong.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Kenny.
- I'm calling the police.
No, no, no, that's not
gonna do us any good.
You can't get any justice
here, just ask OJ.
What do you think, Leigh,
should I put you out of your misery
like you were thinking about
putting me out of mine?
- It was his idea.
The whole thing, it was all his idea.
- Is that true, Brett?
Were you thinking of putting
me down like an old horse
so you could get my house?
- Come on, you've known her long enough
to know how she is.
She lies, she's a liar.
She's a pathological liar.
- And what are you?
- Aw honey, come on, I can
make it up to you, please.
- Oh honey, honey.
You better hope he kills you,
because you no longer have a sponsor.
- Or a brother.
- Ray, come on, she made me do it, Ray.
- I feel sorry for you, Brett.
I really do.
- You have any last words, either of you?
- Please, please, please,
please, please, please,
please, please.
- Have you been doing that
all of your life?
Please, please, please,
don't hurt me, please.
Say it.
All right, let's get on with this.
Who's with me.
Don't you move an inch or
I'll blast that stupid look
off your face.
Do you have the vows, honey?
- Yeah, I hope they're not too long.
I don't like drawing out ceremonies.
- No honey, they're just
like you, short and sweet.
- Here Carl, you're the priest.
- Okay.
- Any objections, Leigh?
Huh, anything you wanna say?
Any objections to us getting married?
- Congratulations!
- Thank you, Brett,
that means a lot to me.
And I'm gonna keep that in mind
when I decide where to fucking bury you.
- What are you gonna do?
- What?
- Whatever you're gonna do, just do it.
- Now isn't that just like
you, always about to you.
You wanna talk about you all the time.
I'm trying to get married here.
And you want to talk about you.
Okay, okay, let's make it about you, huh?
Tell them how the story's gonna end.
- How grave.
What about you, Leigh,
what are you gonna do?
- Just shoot me.
Just shoot me and get it over with.
- Aw, get the fuck out of
here before I change my mind.
- Carl?
- What?
- I need the keys.
- Walk.
All right,
let's get on with this.
Go ahead, Carl.
Okay, just read it?
- You can read, right?
- Yeah, I can read.
Do you Ray take this ancient relic
till the day he croaks to be your husband?
To enjoy him deeply and not
take things too seriously?
To live your truth despite
what he or the government
or the Illuminati or the aliens are doing?
Do you promise to be happy for yourself
so you can inspire happiness in him
or anyone else who cares to be,
though not make it your responsibility?
I do.
- And do you, Kenny, take
this paralyzed immobile lump
to be your husband?
To wheel him around and let
him be just one more excuse
for your happiness on this
perfectly fucked up planet,
till the forces within or without
pull the two of you irrevokably apart,
despite the fact that
on a subatomic level,
you never were and never will be separate?
- I do.
- You may now kiss the groom.
Christmas
Christmas
Christmas
Christmas
There is Santa Claus I know
Coming through the snow
On his way to you and me
I know that I can see
The reindeer in the sky
Red-nosed reindeer so bright
Are you a criminal or a virgin
Getting silver or a lump of coal
We'll give you nothing
if you knew the truth
Merry Christmas
Happy New Year
I wanna kill you
And I've chosen a direction
Saying life is for me
I'll check myself
A little
No boring bombs
You get what you want
Have a you criminal or virgin
Getting silver or a lump of coal
You're giving nothing
if you knew the truth
Merry Christmas
Happy New Year
I wanna kill you
When I see you Santa,
we'll have a drink
I always knew that you think
Maybe Jesus knows
What you've done
Hide your tracks 'cause it's
Christmas
There's a Santa Claus I know
Coming through the snow
Always waiting here
And me, I know what I can see
A reindeer in the sky
Red-nosed reindeer so bright
Are you a criminal or virgin
Getting silver or a lump of coal
You may get nothing
if you knew the truth
Merry Christmas
Happy New Year
I wanna kill you
Merry Christmas
Happy New Year
I wanna kill you
I wanna kill you
Merry Christmas, sir.
- What can I do for you.
- The question is what we can do for you.
- We're here to introduce you
to the power of Jesus Christ.
It's only going to take a
few moments of your time.
But the benefits
shall last you all of eternity.
- Well, I appreciate that,
but I already know Jesus.
Oh, that's great!
- And Jesus and I have an understanding.
I don't fuck with Jesus and
Jesus doesn't fuck with me.
- Hi, Sherry.
Oh good morning, you must
be the new secretary.
- Administrative assistant.
- Oh.
- I identify as androgynous
and gender fluid.
When you refer to me, I
prefer you use the pronoun ze.
- Grab me another latte, huh, sweetheart?
Hey Carl.
- Where's Teddy?
- In Bermuda, yachting
with one of my clients.
- Why are you in his office?
- Oh shit, they didn't tell you?
- Tell me what?
- Have a seat, Carl.
When I was a boy, my father said to me,
if you win something
with bad sportsmanship,
you didn't win anything at all.
That poor bastard died a broke cuckle.
Now Carl,
you've been a valuable
asset to the company
and we really appreciate
all the things you've done
for us throughout the years.
But the company's moving
in a different direction.
- What does that mean?
- On behalf of Blumenthal,
Sanchez, and Ryan,
we're gonna have to let you go.
- You stole my clients, you
stole everyone's clients.
This breaks my heart, Carl.
You're such a nice guy.
You keep your mouth shut
about my clients, okay?
- Hello?
Hey Carl, it's Ted Levine.
Just calling you about
the interview yesterday.
- Oh yeah, hey.
Unfortunately, we've
decided we're going to move
in a different direction.
- No look, I've been out
of work for two months.
I could do anything, anything at all.
I could be someone's secretary.
I mean, administrative assistant.
Sorry Carl, I wish you the best.
- Please--
- You're such a nice guy.
- Who the hell is calling
at this hour, Carl?
- It was just a telemarketer, honey.
- Merry Christmas, Carl.
Carl.
Carl.
Carl.
Carl.
Carl.
Carl!
Carl, wake up!
Hello, wake up, Carl, earth to Carl!
You need to get up right
now and go to the office
because the Christmas bonus
is not delivering itself.
The final
tiara goes to Bridget.
- Hee-hee.
- Goddammit.
- I like Bridget.
- If you could only see
the dress she's wearing,
you could see she's got no class.
- She has a kind soul.
- Only you, big bro, only you.
Oh, thanks babe.
Just gotta run a quick errand.
- Here you go.
- Thanks Jen.
Pancakes.
- Oh shit, I forgot my phone.
- Hey Carl, it's Brett, I'm
in your neck of the woods,
wanted to run something by you
before we went to Grandpa's house.
See you in a bit.
- Hey, Ray, hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, Jerry.
- Right.
- Jerry Ryan I work with--
- With Carl, yeah, yeah.
- Happy Hanukkah.
- Yeah, no, happy holidays.
- Right, I was actually just stopping by
to see the bastard now.
Is he up there?
- Oh shit, he didn't tell you?
They let him go a couple of months ago.
Yeah, they got some prick
from Harvard or Yale
doing his job at half the salary.
- Really?
- Yeah, I heard that poor
bastard ain't even found
a job, yet, man.
It's a tough market.
It's fucking dog-eat-dog.
Anyway, woof.
All right, happy holidays,
pal, happy holidays.
- Right.
- Hey honey.
- I can't find my wedding ring.
- Oh no, geez.
Well, I noticed you haven't
been wearing it lately.
Have you seen it?
- No, I, uh, no.
I mean, did you check in the jewelry box?
- Of course I checked the jewelry box.
You don't think I checked the jewelry box,
the one place the ring belongs?
In the jewelry box.
- Yeah, yeah, sorry.
Well, I'm sure it'll turn up.
Are you packed and ready
to go to Grandpa's?
- Well, did you get the bonus?
- Honey, you're gonna be mad.
What?
- I, well, they said, Jerry
said there was supposed to be
a guy in the office from payroll today,
but he didn't show up.
- Okay, I wanna talk to your boss.
Because if you're not gonna
be man enough to handle this,
then I will handle it.
I wanna talk to Teddy.
- He's not here, Leigh,
it's Christmas Eve.
No one's here.
- We are late on the mortgage, Carl.
You told me that they promised you
the Christmas bonus today.
Seriously?
- Leigh! Leigh!
- You the guy from Craigslist?
- Why are you wearing a mask?
- Why are you wearing a mask?
- Just trying to be discreet
on the off chance that we know each other.
- All right, small world.
You got the ring?
Ah, yeah, look at that.
My mamacita's gonna melt my butter
when she sees this sparkling baby.
- You never said why
you're wearing a mask.
- Yeah, because I'm
here to fucking rob you.
- No, no, no, no!
- Give me the money.
- Give me the money!
- It's Christmas!
- No, no, no!
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh my God, oh my God.
Fuck. Fuck.
On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Five gold rings
Four calling birds, three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
On the 11th day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
- Okay, enough.
- Enough, thank you.
What's that smell?
And a partridge in a pear tree.
Doesn't look
like Grandpa's home.
Are you sure he's here?
No, no, no, he said
he had a doctor's appointment.
She's gonna leave the door open.
- Look at these architectural details.
This woodwork is phenomenal.
- Well, there's water
damage in both bathrooms.
It looks like he hasn't
cleaned this place in 20 years.
- It's a fixer-upper, I'll grant you that.
But you can't ignore
the comfy, cozy quality
of this bucolic beauty.
I mean, just think of the
dinner parties we'll have here.
All our friends coming up here to visit us
in this regal, A-frame chateau.
Now would you please give me
a little something-something
under this yuletide mistletoe, hm?
- Hello!
- Hey, Merry Christmas, Leigh.
- Hello, Leigh.
- Merry Christmas, Jen.
Aren't you festive in your
little holiday sweater,
you Christmasy thing, you.
- Not nearly as festive as you, Leigh.
- Well, just trying to bring holiday cheer
to the royals in their future castle.
- It's more of a dungeon.
- Hey, Merry Christmas, Carl.
- Merry Christmas.
- I'm glad you brought your horn.
- Yeah, I figured I'd
set the mood for romance
in front of the ladies later on.
- Nice, you gonna break
us out with some Kenny G?
I'm breaking your balls.
You look good, pal.
Hey, any word from Grandpa?
How's he doing?
- So the doctors just wanted
to run some last-minute tests
on his arrhythmia, but turns
out he's healthy as a lark,
God bless his soul.
- It's healthy as a horse.
- Whatever.
- Happy as a lark.
- What's a lark?
- It's a festive little woodland bird.
They grace the forest with
their graceful morning songs.
That's where the saying comes from.
I guess they're pretty
happy-go-lucky little creatures.
- You are just a plethora
of useless information,
aren't you, Carl?
Now would you tote the bags, please?
- Nothing wrong with having
an appreciation for nature
that I'm aware of.
- What?
So, anyway, uh,
I was thinking we should just
have the business conversation
up front, so it's not looming
over us all weekend long.
I know it's a little awkward
that Grandpa's giving us
the 2.2 million and you guys are getting
this really cute house.
But I was thinking, you know,
maybe we should just respect
his judgment and move on.
- We've moved on, Leigh.
- Oh great, we need to
get a Christmas tree up
in this house.
So, what's it like taking care of Ray?
- Ugh, he eats and shits like a gorilla.
It's like taking care of a zoo animal.
There, I said it, terrible.
- You're a saint, Jen.
- Mm-mm.
- It drives me to drink.
And don't even get me started on Brett.
- Why, what's wrong?
- He goes off at night to write.
God knows where he really goes.
- You don't think Brett's...
No way, what, with who?
- I don't wanna to think
about that, okay, Leigh?
- Okay.
If it makes you feel any better,
I thought Carl was cheating
on me a few years back.
- Carl would never cheat, you
have him on a choke chain.
- I'm telling you, I kept catching him
in all these little white lies.
So one day, I trailed the
bastard on the way to work.
I watch as he walks into
this garden-level apartment.
Lights turn on.
He sits down, and some guy walks over
and starts running his
fingers through Carl's hair.
And then I look over and I see the sign.
Dr. Lipschitz, Cosmetic Surgeon.
Yeah, I caught the bastard, all right.
He was having hair implantation surgery.
- Carl has plugs?
- Yeah, don't you ever tell anyone.
- But he's got such great hair.
- Well, now you know why.
- This place is really nice.
You got lovely old school charm.
- Don't bullshit me, Carl,
this place is a fucking dump.
Hey, did you get a haircut or something?
Looks different.
- Oh, I started combing it different.
Does it look okay, or?
- Yeah, it's good, it's
a good look for you.
Let's get that fireplace cracking, Carl.
- How did you get away with it?
I mean, how did you tell
Jen you got laid off?
- Laid off, Carl, I volunteered.
I told my boss if it came down to mine
or someone else in my department's head
going on that chopping
block, let it be mine.
I obviously never told Jen that,
but that's how it all went down.
That's on the DL, by the way.
- Oh yeah, I'd never say anything.
- Carl, I'm gonna say
something right now that's,
it's a funny thing to say out loud.
And I'm only admitting
to it because I know
that you'd never say
anything to the wifeys.
- Of course not.
- I've been having all
these crazy dreams lately
about what it might be
like to euthanize Grandpa.
What?
- Don't bullshit me, Carl.
I know you've been having them, too.
You got that 2.2 mill
coming down the pipe.
Let's think, that longevity
on that side of the family.
Come on, new hip here,
heart surgery there.
Putting him in a fucking home?
Carl, that leaves your inheritance
like it's a blue plate special.
And you're telling me you
haven't had any dreams?
- What?
- Come on, Carl, we're fantasizing.
In my fantasy,
I usually get him with a little rat poison
in his prune juice.
It's the least detectable.
I mean, not that they'd
ever do an autopsy.
They rarely do on the elderly.
They just assume they go
out on their own accord.
So what about you?
How have you been getting?
- I, uh, I can't believe
I'm telling you this.
I pushed him down the stairs.
- Nice.
No fingerprints, smart.
What else?
- I suffocate him with his pillow.
- You animal.
- Oh, and I bludgeon him with an anvil.
Is that cliche?
Carl, you're a scary guy,
you're scaring me.
- You're a crazy guy.
- It's fun talking about
stuff like this, isn't it?
It's fun to fantasize.
- It's sick is what it is.
We're a couple of sick puppies.
- It just seems like you're always getting
the shit end of the stick, Carl.
And it breaks my heart.
I mean, you're my brother-in-law
and I care about you,
I really do.
- I care about you, too.
So what are you saying?
- I'm saying I drove
over here a few weeks ago
to take care of things.
- Take care of what?
- What have we been talking about, Carl?
I came here to stake our
claim, to put him to sleep.
- Geez, Brett.
- Don't bullshit me, Carl.
I know you've been thinking it, too.
We just established this.
- Thinking it, maybe, but
what you're saying is,
I mean, there's a big
difference between thinking--
- And doing, exactly.
The difference is ultimately
what defines a man's character.
So as I'm driving onto
his street that night,
I start thinking about you.
How maybe this was the type
of thing that you needed
to be doing.
And instantly, the following
thoughts start permeating
into my mind.
And I'm only saying this because
you're my brother-in-law.
I start hearing, "He's a
loser, he'll only fuck it up.
"He's anxious guy, those people
push him around all day."
And then I thought, no, no,
no, no, that's not true.
I thought my faithlessness
in you is based completely
on all the bullshit lies
you've been telling yourself
all these years.
That you believe these
lies so much about yourself
that you've got me believing in them, too.
And that's when I
realized, he can do this.
In fact, he needs to do this.
And who am I to deprive
him of that opportunity?
So I pulled into his neighbor's driveway,
turned around, and headed home.
Because for me, this is nothing.
I'm there already.
I'm living the dream, Carl,
and I don't give a fuck.
But for you,
for you,
this could be life-changing.
This could be the first step
down the road less traveled.
- I'm not murdering my wife's grandfather
if that's what you're talking about.
- Don't use that word, Carl.
We're putting him to sleep.
Be the hero, Carl.
Be the one who makes all of
our holiday wishes come true.
Freshen up his tea with
a little bit of this.
We'll celebrate in the morning.
I'll cook you some flapjacks.
It's
Beckham, sprinting away!
- Go, go, go, go, go, yes!
- Haha, woo!
That is what I am talking about!
Cheers to the Giants bringing us home
the shiny Lombardi trophy.
- Mm-mm, do you think they'll bring that
over to your house later
or do you think they'll
swing on over to my place
for Brett to enjoy?
- Looks like you're
having a little too much
holiday cheer, Jen.
You're getting weird.
- Yeah, let's start
phasing out the egg nog
and start introducing the water.
- I think I'm entitled to a drink or two.
I worked all week.
- What the fuck is going on here?
- Grandpa!
- You walk around my living
room with your shoes on?
We take our shoes off
when we walk around here.
- Is everything okay, Grandpa?
- Healthy as a 50-year-old,
that's what he said.
Of course, my first wife died at 50.
I don't listen to any of
those lying bastards anyway.
- Well, you look wonderful, Kenny.
You look like a 50-year-old.
- Bullshit, pal, human
beings don't look wonderful
at my age.
We look like overgrown prunes.
And I'll tell you something,
some day you'll look just like this, okay?
So save all that bullshit for someone
you're trying to stick you're dick in.
- Hi Grandpa.
- Oh, will you look at this?
You're right, Leigh,
she's becoming a lush.
- Here we go.
- What a shame to be given
the wonderful gift of life,
just to drink it all away.
- Do you remember Carl, Grandpa?
- I can't say he made
much of an impression.
Does he talk?
Do you talk, you say something?
Well, what are you, a man or a mouse?
- I'm a man.
- Bullshit you are.
- Women are the new men.
Clits are the new cocks.
Cocks are clits.
It's all topsy-turvy now.
- Be nice, Grandpa.
- They're coming out of the woodwork.
- Happy 80th, Mr. Larkin.
- Ah see, the only one to say it.
What the hell happened to you?
- I was in an accident in Afghanistan.
- You're a soldier?
- I was.
Do you even know what we're fuck
you were doing over there?
- We're fighting terrorists, Grandpa.
We're putting an end to terrorism.
- And we're damn proud of you, Ray.
- Terrorists, we're all terrorists.
What, I can't open my mouth up anymore?
- We love you, Grandpa.
- Are you gonna give her a baby?
Or is she gonna waste her
life waiting for some drip
to perform like man?
You know, she's not getting any younger.
Her oven is getting cold.
- In due time, Kenny.
Everything in due time.
- You mean like menopause?
Where are you going Grandpa?
- I'm going to feed some raccoons.
You know, you feed them
lunch and then they come back
and try to eat their way
back into your fucking house.
- Okay.
- Oh hi, Kenny.
- What are you doing up?
- I was wondering, are
there any extra blankets?
- Ah, did that heater go out again?
Geez.
Listen, I didn't mean anything
about what I said before,
you know, it's just that
these wars just piss me off.
- That's okay, it didn't bother me.
- Have some tea, I've
got some water boiling.
I'll give you some Sleepytime.
- Oh no, that's okay.
- You like honey, I got
honey, too, upstairs.
All right, honey?
- Okay.
- Happy birthday.
- Eh, it's no big deal, you know.
But one thing I have learned,
and that is you have to
celebrate every day you're here,
because it's over before you even know
what the hell hit you.
- You're happy, though.
I mean, you had a good life.
- Hey, I'm not dead yet, all right.
Don't go burying me, for God's sake.
- No, no, no.
- Thank you for throwing
dirt on me.
- No, I meant to say so far.
- I'm teasing you, the old
man's just teasing you.
Don't get upset.
- Do I smell weed?
- Yeah, I've been smoking since the '60s.
Yeah, they were good times then, you know?
We almost made a difference, here.
- Oh.
- It's kind.
- It's kind he says.
- Yeah?
Yeah, it is.
- Hey.
Hey Carl.
- I can't sleep.
- Something on your mind, pal?
- Oh no, nothing,
nothing worth mentioning.
- Wrestle with the demons,
they come out at night.
- Yeah.
- Hey, come in here, have a seat.
- Yeah, have a seat, Carl.
Hey, you want a pull?
- Oh, no, no, it doesn't agree with me.
I get paranoid.
- Ah, not on this stuff you won't.
You'll be asleep before you even know
what the hell hit you.
- She won't know.
- Yeah, relax, huh.
You know, you're on vacation here, pal.
You've got a lot of tension
in those shoulders, you know?
- You have very strong hands.
- Well, they have to be
strong to work the soil.
We have to have more reverence
for the soil, you know?
They're destroying, they
destroy everything that's good.
Like they killed that young Kennedy boy.
He wasn't afraid to stand up
to them, so they killed him.
That's how you know
you're a good president,
when they kill you.
- Wow, when they kill
you, you know you're good.
That's right, sure.
We kill our heroes and
we praise our villains
and give them all kinds of awards.
It's a very topsy-turvy land.
- When we die, do you think we grow wings
and go to a better place?
- Yeah, yeah, we become plants.
And then we become angels.
- Just like plants.
- Sure, we're all angels deep down inside.
How about you, you have something to say?
You wanna speak up here?
- Well, my mouth is dry.
- You want some tea?
- Sleepytime is good.
- Uh yeah, I, yeah, I'll
have, that sounds good.
- All right, let me get you some.
- No, I'll get it.
- I'll get it, relax.
- No, no, I'll get it.
- Sorry, Kenny, do you
want some more hot water?
- Yeah, yeah, I just need a
little more water, thanks.
I don't
- Well, you know, nice
to have a little service
every now and then, you know, right?
You're sweaty and you're a little pale.
Yeah, what's on your mind, pal?
- It's, uh, nothing.
- Well, remember this, whatever it is,
listen to what's deep down inside.
Don't listen to what they want you to do.
You have a choice.
You always have a choice.
Unless they put you in
one of those prisons.
- I don't wanna be,
I'm tired of being locked up.
Then get out.
- He's a very smart man, you
should listen to him, Carl.
You should get out, let yourself go.
- Yes, it's no good carrying
around this tension.
You'll give yourself a heart attack.
You probably clogged up all your arteries
with all that worry.
- Do you know, do you
know what's going on?
- Hey, if you smoke the right
plants, you know everything.
- What's so funny guys,
is something funny?
- Who wants breakfast?
Over the river and through the woods
To Grandmother's house we go
Da da da da da da da da
And through the shining snow
Over the river and through the winds
Some flapjacks for you Leigh
- Thank you Brett, those look amazing.
- Hopefully they taste amazing.
Hey babe, good morning.
- Good morning.
You're chipper this morning.
- Yeah, there's a lot to
be chipper about, babe.
All of us gathering as a family
makes me feel kind of
warm and tingly inside.
Feels good.
Feels good to be alive.
Well, well, well,
look who's finally decided to
grace us with his presence.
Good morning, sunshine.
- Good morning.
- Looks like someone got a little visit
from the hair fairy, huh, honey?
Sorry.
- What are you sorry about?
- I don't know.
You all right, pal?
- I'm fine.
- He's always like this in the morning.
He's a total zombie
until he has his coffee.
Isn't that right, Carl?
- Yeah.
- Well, let's get you set up, then, pal.
How do you take it?
- Huh?
- He really is a zombie.
- How do you take your coffee, bro?
- Earth to Fog, come in Fog.
- Oh, regular, I take it regular.
- Snap out of it Carl,
you're embarrassing yourself.
- Hey, shouldn't Grandpa be up by now?
I thought he always
rose with the roosters.
- You know what, he went to
bed pretty early last night.
Maybe someone should check on him.
- I'd like to finish my drink
before having to deal with
him, thank you very much.
- Yeah, well, I'll check on him
because I'm starting to get worried.
- Oh don't.
- What?
- Let him sleep, he probably needs it.
They need their sleep at that age.
- It's 10:00 a.m. Carl,
I'm checking on him.
- Don't, don't go in there, Leigh.
Why shouldn't
she go in there, Carl?
- Because he's...
He's what?
He's what, Carl?
- He's, he's dead.
What?
- He passed away, he must've
gone in his sleep or something.
I'm sorry.
How do you know?
What happened?
- I went in there early this morning
looking for some matches.
And I asked him if he had some
and he wasn't saying anything.
So I went over to him, and I shook him,
and he wouldn't wake up.
I put my fingers under his nose
and he wasn't breathing, so I,
I didn't know what to do, so I just,
I just kept checking
and there was nothing.
He was gone.
He's gone.
- Well, what are we gonna do?
I mean, what are we gonna do with him?
- Well, I guess we call 911.
None of us should go up
there and look at him.
He's probably all blue or
whatever color they turn.
- Why didn't you do something
or tell us something last night?
- Well, what was I gonna do?
He wasn't breathing, he was dead.
- If someone's not breathing,
it doesn't necessarily mean they're dead.
- He wasn't breathing for a long time.
I checked several times.
I kept checking.
- Well, for how long?
How long wasn't he breathing?
Two or three
minutes, I don't know.
- And you didn't try to revive him?
- Yeah, why didn't you
try to revive him, Carl?
- I don't know, okay, I don't know, geez.
- You said you went in there for matches.
Why did you need matches?
- To light a fire, I
wanted to light a fire.
It was freezing in that room.
I feel like I'm on the freaking
stand right now, okay, geez.
- It wasn't even cold last night.
- 'Cause you stole all
the covers, you always do.
It was freezing.
- There's no fireplace in that room.
Where were you going to light it?
- In the den.
I was gonna sleep on the couch in the den.
This is ridiculous.
- You're a real idiot Carl, you know that?
You're a real idiot, Carl.
- I didn't kill him, okay, honey?
- Who said anything about killing him?
- Yeah, it sounds like you're saying it.
- Why would you say that?
Why would you say that, Carl?
- Because I was...
- What, you were what?
- You were what, Carl?
Say something Carl, think Carl!
- Well, what happened?
- Sleep apnea.
- Huh?
- He has sleep apnea, Leigh just told me.
You can stop breathing for
several minutes in your sleep.
- But you gave him the tea, right?
He drank it, you saw him drink it?
What?
- I didn't do it.
- What?
- I didn't put any rat poison in his tea.
I couldn't do it.
Why not?
- Because he was saying
all this crazy stuff
that was freaking me out.
I finally went back in
there this morning to
smother him with his pillow,
and I was standing there for a long time
just looking at him, and I
noticed that he wasn't breathing.
So I put my fingers under
his nose and he wasn't.
So I thought my job was
done for me, you know,
by God or whatever.
- Okay, okay, so we'll try again tonight.
No problem.
You can do it tonight.
- Uh uh, no way.
- Why not?
- I can't.
- What do you mean you can't?
- It'll freak me out way too much, Brett.
You saw the girls.
Did you notice how upset Leigh was?
- Leigh is gonna be fine.
With all your financial
burdens put to rest,
she'll get over this
very quickly, trust me.
- But Kenny, he's, he's
a human being, Brett.
- Bullshit, he's a fucking dinosaur
who should've been
extinct a long time ago.
Do you have any idea what
it's like getting Ray in
on his appointments nowadays
with all these prehistoric
animals roaming the earth
and sucking up all the doctors' time?
He'd die waiting.
And resources, to have them around
for all these unnecessary years.
The carbon footprint, Carl.
We're overpopulated.
And you call yourself a nature enthusiast?
Not exactly eco-friendly.
I've digressed.
Look, to make an omelette,
you have to break an egg.
- I'm not breaking any eggs, I'm sorry.
There's just,
there's just something
inside of me telling me no.
- So you're a pussy, Carl.
- I'm sorry, Brett.
- Okay.
Okay.
I want you to see that
inheritance now, Carl.
Really see it.
2.2 million dollars.
And now, I want you to see
how you're deliberately
flushing it deep down into
the shit-covered waters
of shit's fucking creek,
where it's devoured by all
of the little shit-eaters.
Really see yourself now, Carl,
just waving goodbye to it,
with that sorry little look on your face,
and a paddle stuck up your
ass that was jammed in there
by an unfair world that
you weren't man enough
to stake your claim in.
Nothing.
Nothing to say, Carl?
- We were drinking yesterday
and we were caught up in
too much holiday cheer
and goofing around when we--
- Oh, I see, so you think the one holding
the shit end of the
stick should be the one
that carries this out, huh?
Is that what you think, Carl?
You think I should be the
one that has to do this?
- I've stated my position, and,
I'm not gonna waver.
I'm standing my ground.
- I think you'll do it.
- Huh?
- I think you'd rather kill Grampy
than deal with the
ramifications of your wife
finding out the truth.
- About what?
- I ran into Jerry Ryan yesterday.
Yeah.
Does Leigh know that
you're unemployed, Carl?
Don't make me be the bad guy here.
- You'd never--
I wouldn't?
- Brett, you're my friend.
- And I'm trying to help
you salvage your life, Carl.
I think some gratitude
might be more appropriate.
- Sociopath.
That's a
compliment these days, Carl.
And for that I thank you.
- Don't do this, please,
please don't make me do this.
- You almost did it on your own accord.
I'm just giving you a little push.
You can do it, Carl.
Never quit on a dream.
You know, I used to play the sax, too.
You gotta have a lot of
soul to play the sax.
Hey buddy.
- Something really crazy's
going on around here.
This is gonna blow your frigging mind.
- What are you talking about?
- I was in Kenny's room last night.
- Kenny?
- Yeah, Grandpa Kenny.
It was in the wee hours.
He asked me to come in.
- Ray, you weren't supposed
to be in there last night.
- Why wasn't I supposed to be in there?
- So let's get you dressed,
we're going for a walk.
You were drinking yesterday, smoking weed.
Not to mention you just
got back from the war
where they put that damn
steel plate in your head.
- Okay, are you done?
- I'm just saying, sometimes the mind
can play tricks on us and
make us perceive things
in funny ways.
- Will you listen to me?
My perception is fine.
And what happened in that room last night
was as real as anything I've experienced
in my entire life.
You are not gonna believe this one, Brett.
- All right, what, what happened already?
- We made love like animals last night.
- What, who?
- Me and Kenny.
- Huh?
- It was raw.
It was wild.
It was animalistic.
It was everything.
This is the best Christmas ever.
- You banged Jen's grandfather last night?
You hit that?
- Oh, it wasn't like that.
If anything, he was the one in control.
- He's gay or bi?
- He doesn't feel the need
to put labels on things.
Oh man he did things to me
no man's ever done before.
It was a religious experience.
- I like it.
I like this.
You're back.
- I'm back.
- You are back.
- I'm back.
- This shit is back.
- I'm back, I'm back!
- This just in, the kid is back.
- I'm back, I'm gay, I'm getting sick.
- You are a sick puppy is what you are.
Ray, this is legendary.
You are an instant hero with the story.
Now this is the greatest
story ever told, oh man.
I can't wait to tell Dino and Jimmy,
they're gonna shit their pants.
- No, don't tell anyone, Brett.
- Whoa, whoa, easy.
Ray, this nothing to be ashamed of, okay?
So you've been hit by a pitch.
Dust yourself off, get back in the game.
- I didn't get hit by a pitch.
- It's a metaphor, Ray.
- I understand the metaphor.
And it doesn't apply here.
He's an amazing man.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're getting ahead
of yourself here, Ray.
- We were communicating without speaking.
- You were fucking high.
- I understand that.
And I've thought about it all morning,
and it doesn't change.
- Settle, Ray, okay, settle.
- That's exactly what I'm doing.
I'm settling with him.
We're getting married.
- You're what?
- I love him, Brett.
Get that through your head.
He loves me.
And we want to explore
these feelings further.
Now, we're going to have
a celebration wedding here tomorrow.
Then Tuesday morning, we're going down
to the Town Hall to make it official.
I want you to be my best man.
- No.
- What do you mean no?
- I mean, snap the fuck out of it, Ray.
You're not marrying him.
Look, you've been deprived
of sex for a long time, okay?
A man does crazy things
when deprived of sex.
Just ask a priest.
Look, you'll get past this, okay?
In a few months, when you find yourself
a normal piece of ass,
whose birth date was sometime
after fucking Prohibition.
- You're not listening to
a single word I'm saying.
I love him.
- No, no, you lust him.
I can't believe I'm saying
this with a straight face.
You lust Grandpa.
You could do better than
this, Ray, much better.
Give it some time, Jesus.
- I don't want you at my wedding.
I'll ask Carl to be my best man.
- Empathize with me, Ray.
42-year-old men do not
normally fall in love
with the elderly.
- Real love knows no boundaries, Brett.
Now do you support me on this or not?
Yes or no.
Do you?
You are as shallow as a puddle of piss.
Get out of my way, Brett.
- Ray. Ray.
Ray!
- Carl. Carl.
Carl.
He's a loser,
he'll only fuck it up.
He's an anxious guy who's
been pushed around all day.
He's a loser, loser, loser, loser, loser.
- Christmas bonus is
not delivering itself.
Be the hero, Carl.
Be the one who makes all of
her holiday wishes come true.
The hero.
- Hey, sounds like the little
morning birdies are chirping,
huh, the larks?
Yeah, hey.
- You look like hell.
- Yeah, my head feels
like a demolition site.
I feel like hell.
- Well, maybe I can cheer you up.
- Not now, Leigh.
Stop.
I said stop geez, do you wanna get caught?
- You got bad breath.
- Yeah, so do you.
- What is your problem?
- I think we need to put
the brakes on this, okay?
- On what, us?
- No, not us, I'm talking
about this project,
Project Grampy.
- Why?
- Because I spoke with Ray just now
and he just told me some very
bizarre and perverse things.
- Yeah, I know all about it.
I just had a conversation
with his soulmate.
He professed the whole disgusting thing.
- Yeah, it's grotesque.
- Yeah, it is, and potentially
a very big hindrance
as he's not trying to get his
paws into my piece of the pie.
So I'm confused why
exactly is there a problem?
- Because he loves him, Leigh.
- Jesus Christ, he
wants his fucking money.
- No, I've never seen
him so sure of anything
in his life, he's telling the truth.
- Well, then he's a filthy creeper
with a fetish for
geriatrics is what he is.
- Hey, did he make a mistake, yes.
But he's my brother, okay?
Respect that.
- No, I don't respect that.
I have zero respect for perverts.
So is this thing on or not,
because my muscles are
getting fucking cold.
What, you're gonna call it off?
We had a deal.
"Let's kill Grandpa this
Christmas," you said.
"I will convince your drip
husband to snuff him out
"so that we don't have to
do it ourselves," you said.
Remember?
Hello, remember?
I see how it is.
I see.
You care more about
that perverted gimp boy
that you do about us, fine.
Just know that you'll never
get your hands on this
again.
'Cause here's now it's gonna go down now.
Here's the new plan.
If by tomorrow morning that old hag
hasn't drifted down to
the fiery halls of hell
where he belongs, we're through.
And not only are we through,
but your marriage is through.
- You'd never.
- Oh, I will.
I will tell my sister all
about her filthy husband
and now he forced himself on me.
And I will even turn on the tears.
She will kick you out like
the unemployed vagabond
that you are.
- You psychopath.
- That's the highest compliment
a person can receive, Brett.
And for that,
I thank you.
- How are you doing?
I'm so glad you came, you know?
- Thank you.
- What are you doing over there, Carl?
- Oh nothing, just, uh...
- What, Carl?
- Leigh, I, uh...
- Oh, Carl.
- Do you remember how we
were when we first met, just
two broke college kids
without a care in the world,
just laughing, making love, smoking grass.
- Yeah, of course I remember, honey.
- We didn't have a nickel to spare, but,
somehow we were king and queen
of the entire world, hon.
- Is there something else
you wanna tell me, Carl?
- No, its just,
if we were, if we were to lose everything,
and we had to start all over again,
could you still love me?
- Why are you asking me that, Carl?
- I just,
I just wanted to make sure
our foundation is still solid.
- Well, we're not kids anymore.
We're adults in the real world.
And in the real world,
there are winners and there are losers.
I have no intention of being a loser.
So if you were to lose everything,
I would probably have to file for divorce.
Okay.
Let's get ready for Grandpa's party.
I got your outfit all
picked out and ready to go.
- I don't have an
appetite for some reason.
- It's rude to leave the table
when people are still eating.
- Everyone's done.
- I'm not done.
- Honey, I think that's enough
with the drinking this weekend.
- That's enough.
Now I've got something to tell yous
and I might as well do it now.
I'm changing the will.
Ray and I are going off to Europe
and we're not coming back.
I might even buy a castle.
- That's a wonderful idea, Grandpa.
Isn't it wonderful, Leigh?
- It's amazing.
- And whatever's left of the 2.2 million,
after I'm gone, that's
what you get, Leigh.
- Well, I don't care about that, Grandpa.
I just want you to be happy.
- Good, I'm going to see
the lawyer tomorrow morning,
first thing, to make it official.
- I think there's one
more gift under the tree.
- Get the gift, Carl.
Wake up, Carl.
Will you wipe the dopey look off your face
and get the gift?
That's my gift to Jen.
- Wow, what is that?
- That is a Native
American fertility phallus.
I made that in ceramics.
It's to bring you good luck and strength
to your sexual organs.
- Think it'll do the trick for you, Brett?
- I hope it does, Carl.
- There's one more gift
in the kitchen, Carl.
Get it.
- Well, you better pray
with all your might,
because saying no to her as a woman
is like saying no to
Mother Nature herself.
Taking all the fruit and
not fertilizing the land.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Grandpa
Happy birthday to you
And many more
- Happy birthday to my Christmas angel.
Make a wish, Grandpa.
- I already had my wish.
- Well, that was
yesterday, make a new wish.
- Uh, well, it'd be nice
if this fucking hair
would stop falling out of my head.
- Well, Carl has plugs.
Maybe he can point you
in the right direction.
- Whoa, she is bombed.
She is gonna be okay.
Oh, got your wish, Jen.
You're drunk, it's time to go to bed.
- Get your fucking hands off me
unless you wanna lose an arm.
Of course I'm drunk.
Any sane person would have to annihilated
to hang out with this family.
- Wow, your father would
be so disappointed,
God rest his soul.
- Blah, blah, blah.
- I wish you could see yourself
and what your life has turned into
when you don't think things through.
- You're just a perfect
example of human capability,
aren't you Grandpa?
- All right, party's over, Jen.
- Shut up, Leigh.
All you know how to do is criticize.
Just criticizing everything
and everyone around you
all day every fucking day.
Well, I'm sick of it!
'Cause all I need from
a grandfather is someone
to be nice and who
leaves me the fuck alone.
But look what I got, I
got a washed-up old critic
with no one around in his life
but people waiting for
him to croak already
so they can get all his stuff.
Well, I don't give a
shit about your stuff.
And living in this dump
would only be a reminder
of all the shit I've
had to endure from you
throughout the years.
Your miserable ghost haunting me,
following me around from the great beyond.
So I'm asking you, take
me off of your will.
I'm begging you to do it.
This way I never have
to see your diabolical,
heartless, wrinkly face
ever the fuck again!
- That's it!
That's your voice!
I've been waiting 20
years to hear that come
out of your mouth.
Finally, an expression of the truth.
If you could only do
that without the liquor.
- Well, don't be rude, Carl.
Pull your sister-in-law out of the cake.
- I don't know why she brought up my hair.
- It's bedtime, Carl, time to go to bed.
- Well, she showed her true
colors, that sister of mine.
She has nothing but hate in
her heart for this family.
Sorry you had to see that, Ray.
- That's okay.
And I'm gonna hit the hay now.
I've got a really big day tomorrow.
- You sure do.
- Carl?
- You scared me, asshole, what?
- Are you going up there now?
- Where do you think I'm going, huh?
Outside to make a snowman?
- Carl, this is bad.
This is really bad.
- Oh, you think so?
- I just wanted to be a writer.
Living out here would have been,
but Ray, Ray.
I just wanted him to be happy.
That's all I ever wanted.
It's all I ever wanted.
- We should end it now.
Pretend like none of this ever happened.
Get the Christmas spirit back.
- Carl, Carl, Carl.
This breaks my heart, Carl,
you're such a nice guy.
It breaks my heart, Carl,
you're such a nice guy.
- Okay.
- Carl?
Where are you going?
- I'm going in there.
What?
- What, are you fucking deaf?
I said I'm going in there.
I'm going in there, get this
fucking shit over with already.
- Morning, Ray.
- Good morning, Leigh.
- You look great.
Have you seen your groom yet this morning?
- Of course not.
It's bad luck to see the
groom before the ceremony.
Everybody knows that.
- Of course.
Have you seen him yet this morning, Brett?
You know, he really should be up by now.
Grandpa?
- Oh, I'm sure he's up.
I bet your groom looks amazing, Ray.
- Look who's suddenly on Team Grandpa.
Isn't that interesting?
Grandpa, you're gonna be
late for your own wedding!
- He's up, I'm sure.
He's probably just playing
with his hair or something.
- You're sure in a better mood today
than yesterday, Jen.
- Today, I see with new eyes, Ray.
Bloodshot, but new.
- Grandpa?
- You know, after all you've been through,
nobody deserves to be
blessed with a soulmate
any more than you do.
- I just wish we could've
gotten Grandpa a new tux.
- You know, I think we've all had it
with the loving
granddaughter routine, Leigh.
It's getting to be a bit
nauseating now, don't you think?
- You know, you may have
managed to ruin Christmas,
but I'm not going to stand here
and let you destroy Grandpa's wedding.
- I bumped into Carl last night
on my way to pouring myself a drink.
Had to sting out of the
nightmare called my life.
When I noticed Carl over there clutching
onto a big white fluffy pillow,
quivering like a frightened little puppy.
"What you doing over
there, Carl," I asked.
Poor thing, he was too scared to speak.
So I thought, Carl looks
like he can use himself
a drink, too.
So I went and I poured
us a couple of brandies
and we got to talking.
And do you know what he told me, Leigh?
He told me he'd just
gotten through storming
into Grandpa's room with
that big white fluffy pillow.
- You son of a bitch, you son of a bitch.
You live, you son of a bitch.
- Carl!
Get your ass out here now!
How dare you attempt to
do such a wicked thing.
- That's exactly what I asked, Leigh.
And do you know what he told me?
He told me, "Brett made me do it."
- Is that true, Brett?
- Of course not, Ray.
That's ridiculous, honey.
- Shut up, Brett.
Why would Brett make Carl
do such a wicked thing?
I wanted to know.
And that's when Carl mentioned
the hair plug comment
I'd made earlier in the evening.
A comment which he said
was completely untrue.
Funny, I thought.
Why would my sister make
up such a crazy story
about her husband's hair,
while I was lamenting to her
about my husband's infidelity?
- Get your fingers out
of my husband's hair.
- Tell me something, Thomas,
when you're screwing my husband,
and his teeny-weeny little peeny pops out,
as it tends to, can you even feel it?
Oh hey, Grandpa, still alive, huh?
- Yeah, thanks to Carl I am.
- Hi Grandpa, what are
you doing with the gun?
- Oh, I like to carry it.
You know, they said I can still carry it.
Not that I listen to their rules.
I have my own rules.
- Uh, I think you should
put that down for now.
It's starting to frighten us a little bit.
- But I really like holding it.
You know, it's sort of
like a comfort blanket.
You remember those little comfort blankets
you girls had when you were young?
Yeah, made you feel nice and safe?
- Yeah, I remember.
- What did yours look like, Leigh?
- Well, it was blue, with
little pink bunnies on it.
- Right, see I like to think of this
as my little blue blanket
with little pink bunnies on it,
just in case the big bad wolf
comes knocking on that door
in the middle of the night.
- Grandpa.
- I want you two to move
over to that wall over there.
Come on, move it!
Move!
Now get down on your knees,
get down on your knees.
Do it!
- Well, what about Carl?
- Are you sorry, sonny,
for trying to kill me?
- Words could never express it Kenny.
I was weak.
- Uh, relax, everybody makes a mistake.
But at the end, you were strong.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Kenny.
- I'm calling the police.
No, no, no, that's not
gonna do us any good.
You can't get any justice
here, just ask OJ.
What do you think, Leigh,
should I put you out of your misery
like you were thinking about
putting me out of mine?
- It was his idea.
The whole thing, it was all his idea.
- Is that true, Brett?
Were you thinking of putting
me down like an old horse
so you could get my house?
- Come on, you've known her long enough
to know how she is.
She lies, she's a liar.
She's a pathological liar.
- And what are you?
- Aw honey, come on, I can
make it up to you, please.
- Oh honey, honey.
You better hope he kills you,
because you no longer have a sponsor.
- Or a brother.
- Ray, come on, she made me do it, Ray.
- I feel sorry for you, Brett.
I really do.
- You have any last words, either of you?
- Please, please, please,
please, please, please,
please, please.
- Have you been doing that
all of your life?
Please, please, please,
don't hurt me, please.
Say it.
All right, let's get on with this.
Who's with me.
Don't you move an inch or
I'll blast that stupid look
off your face.
Do you have the vows, honey?
- Yeah, I hope they're not too long.
I don't like drawing out ceremonies.
- No honey, they're just
like you, short and sweet.
- Here Carl, you're the priest.
- Okay.
- Any objections, Leigh?
Huh, anything you wanna say?
Any objections to us getting married?
- Congratulations!
- Thank you, Brett,
that means a lot to me.
And I'm gonna keep that in mind
when I decide where to fucking bury you.
- What are you gonna do?
- What?
- Whatever you're gonna do, just do it.
- Now isn't that just like
you, always about to you.
You wanna talk about you all the time.
I'm trying to get married here.
And you want to talk about you.
Okay, okay, let's make it about you, huh?
Tell them how the story's gonna end.
- How grave.
What about you, Leigh,
what are you gonna do?
- Just shoot me.
Just shoot me and get it over with.
- Aw, get the fuck out of
here before I change my mind.
- Carl?
- What?
- I need the keys.
- Walk.
All right,
let's get on with this.
Go ahead, Carl.
Okay, just read it?
- You can read, right?
- Yeah, I can read.
Do you Ray take this ancient relic
till the day he croaks to be your husband?
To enjoy him deeply and not
take things too seriously?
To live your truth despite
what he or the government
or the Illuminati or the aliens are doing?
Do you promise to be happy for yourself
so you can inspire happiness in him
or anyone else who cares to be,
though not make it your responsibility?
I do.
- And do you, Kenny, take
this paralyzed immobile lump
to be your husband?
To wheel him around and let
him be just one more excuse
for your happiness on this
perfectly fucked up planet,
till the forces within or without
pull the two of you irrevokably apart,
despite the fact that
on a subatomic level,
you never were and never will be separate?
- I do.
- You may now kiss the groom.
Christmas
Christmas
Christmas
Christmas
There is Santa Claus I know
Coming through the snow
On his way to you and me
I know that I can see
The reindeer in the sky
Red-nosed reindeer so bright
Are you a criminal or a virgin
Getting silver or a lump of coal
We'll give you nothing
if you knew the truth
Merry Christmas
Happy New Year
I wanna kill you
And I've chosen a direction
Saying life is for me
I'll check myself
A little
No boring bombs
You get what you want
Have a you criminal or virgin
Getting silver or a lump of coal
You're giving nothing
if you knew the truth
Merry Christmas
Happy New Year
I wanna kill you
When I see you Santa,
we'll have a drink
I always knew that you think
Maybe Jesus knows
What you've done
Hide your tracks 'cause it's
Christmas
There's a Santa Claus I know
Coming through the snow
Always waiting here
And me, I know what I can see
A reindeer in the sky
Red-nosed reindeer so bright
Are you a criminal or virgin
Getting silver or a lump of coal
You may get nothing
if you knew the truth
Merry Christmas
Happy New Year
I wanna kill you
Merry Christmas
Happy New Year
I wanna kill you
I wanna kill you