Life of the Party (2005) Movie Script

With suns and moons.
All over the place.
Tonight, tonight.
The world is wild and bright.
Going mad.
Shooting sparks into space.
Today, the world is
just an address.
To live in.
No better than all right.
But here you are.
And what was just a world
is a star...
Don't do this to me.
The 8:05 to
Manhattan-Penn Station. now arriving.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
The one-mile relay.
That was our race.
Four guys, a million
raging hormones...
...eight legs, one heart...
...each of us killing ourselves
to bring it home.
The last runner had to make up.
...for all those precious seconds
the rest of us lost.
'cause we got distracted
by Lisa Fentner. the bleachers...
with her mountainous chest
and fishnet thighs.
He didn't hold it against us.
He knew he couldn't
let us down...
...and he never did.
No matter how far behind
we were...
we had him.
We had the finisher.
All aboard!
I don't get it.
I mean, he was
this close.
Wrong shoes,
didn't you see?
He was wearing
fancy shoes.
He still has
the stuff.
Can you believe it?
After all this time?
I think he missed the train.
He'll be late for work.
I think everything else,
including the shoes...
...and the "stuff"... irrelevant.
And that's why
you don't get invited. any good parties.
What is your problem
with him lately?
I'm a realist.
No, you're a turkey.
Just 'cause he's got the stuff,
and you take out tonsils.
Orthopedists don't get much call
for tonsillectomies.
He quit.
People quit.
You really shouldn't eat that.
He had the wrong shoes.
However you want to see it.
Oh, I know what I saw...
...and he didn't just quit.
You missed the meeting.
We're going to be handling
the Luxor account together.
If you want to take
a moment, maybe...
And look this over.
Ah. Yeah.
Luxor. No problema.
You really don't
give a damn, do you?
Oh, why we're here,
what we do, our job.
Maritime Insurance.
You know, Bertie... grow up on
the Long Island Sound...
...anything "maritime" sounds good.
Thing is, they don't
mention that there.
won't be any
actual ships or water involved... Here I am,
landlocked on the tenth floor.
What are you doing? You're the
only person I know who still smokes.
An event very
inconvenient for me.
You know what I think made
our country great, Bertie?
Broadway musicals.
Swear to God.
They took me when I was a kid,
our major outing from the burbs.
Where the wind comes
sweeping down the plain.
I mean, there's something
about those songs.
Lot of heart.
Lot of hope,
you know what I mean?
Don't worry,
I like girls.
I must admit...
...your eyes are
a particularly lovely.
...shade of blue.
Okay. It's "Bert. "
And you should put that out,
buy that gum...
...and get some work done.
Do you realize
I've been here.
...two years
less than you...
I'm a year younger...
I've already
been promoted twice.
You're losing it, pal.
In my opinion,
you've lost it.
And, just in case you thought
you were, or anything...'re not cool.
You do "Standing Tree"
...not that.
I do this and
Standing Tree position.
I told you how many times...
...a sleepy traveler
misses his destination.
Oh, shoot...
...heading up the East Coast
is not my destination.
There's hockey tonight.
My mother needs dinner.
Ooh, hey, what...
wh-what's this?
I see a president.
A geometrical shape.
Could it be?
Yes, it is.
Madison Square Garden.
Tonight: Rangers, center ice.
You and your mom...
...the hockey fiend
from Canton.
You think I'd forget.
...the most important woman
in my life?
You are
a great...
...but foolish man.
I count on you
to keep me apprised.
What do you say, Bertie?
It's party time.
My wandering angel...
...home at last.
I love you.
I love that job.
I love loving you.
No, thanks.
You forgot.
It's okay.
You were busy, must have
slipped your mind.
Happy anniversary,
we'll celebrate
in the storage room.
Do you remember what they called
it when we bought the house?
"The kids' room. "
We haven't even gotten
the dog to sit yet.
I can do that.
I look at you...
...and I know that life is
inherently worthwhile.
And a good thing
to keep engaging in.
...until I get it right.
I got offered something
in Boston.
At the museum in the fall.
Assistant curator.
And I think that.
...if I'm far enough
away from you...
I can move on.
who is it?
What is it, someone
you ran into at work?
Some big-deal art aficionado?
You wouldn't be
leaving me. leave me, so who is it?
All right.
If it makes it easier...
...there is someone.
Who makes me feel I'm
not crazy for doing this.
You were on the road.
You lose your way.
L- I can encompass that.
You know, I think
it would be better...
...less complicated,
if I move out now.
No. No, no, no.
All right.
Here's what: Um, I'm gonna
take the company apartment...
I mean, you know,
for a week or two.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna give you some space.
That's a good thing, right?
You'll have
the run of the house.
And you'll realize that we
don't even breathe right.
without each other.
It was two weeks ago.
Our anniversary.
How did he sound to you
when you talked to him?
How did he sound?
I don't know.
He sounded like him.
How can you eat that?
I'm hungry.
Everything's falling
apart, you're eating.
He was just taking
a little break, that's all.
Yeah, but a break
from what?
I mean, why does
he need a break?
What does he need a break for?
They're perfect together.
I'm worried about him, man.
I'm really, really worried.
I wouldn't be too worried.
How do you...
I mean, this is really...
Hey, buddy.
Oh, hey, hey, you came.
Of course we did.
What were we gonna
do, not come?
Forget about it.
...some friends of mine.
...certified literary giant.
I write reviews
for a vintage car magazine.
Kipp... Musician
I do jingles.
Say cheese, please.
Wakka, wakka.
Humble guys.
And this is Caroline...
currently in arbitrage...
which I don't really
know what that is.
Not important.
So should we get a table?
I'll be right back.
Who is she?
Who cares?
He's trying to score, bozo.
I am not trying to score.
She's just a...
Total babe.
He's married, for Pete's
sake. He's separated.
Hey, hey.
It's a trial thing.
She just needs some time.
For what?
To stop thinking she likes
somebody more than me.
Hold on.
Wait a minute.
Pheebs is making it
with another guy?
No way.
I found it fairly
devastating, myself.
Come on, let's
get a table.
Hey, whoa.
Anything else for you, sir?
Another for me...
Want another double?
You can real
ly handle your...
I mean, another double
and you seem perfectly...
Am I?
Would you care
for another drink?
Uh, nothing for us.
We got to go.
Got a train to catch.
Not yet.
Not yet.
Yeah, yet.
Oh, come on.
Just stay...
stay one more round.
No can do, pal.
Let's go.
It's nice to meet you.
Listen, Mikey,
if you need anything...
...okay, I'm a phone call away.
All right. See you.
So... Caroline...
May I call you Caroline?
It's not Cary or
Dave or anything, is it?
So... Caroline...
What can I say?
Um, God, how can
I say this? I, um...
Do you remember
Don Quixote?
He had a way of wanting
people to think.
...that he was a shimmery, glimmery
knight in fabulous armor.
In actuality, he had a helmet
made of cardboard...
...and he was tilting at windmills
because he was, uh...
How do I say this? Um...
I, uh...
...for a while now
and no other women so far.
I just, uh, knew you'd be safe.
Is that what we're here for?
I suppose I am very safe.
You see, Caroline...
I still do love the woman
that I'm married to.
And although we're
temporarily, um...
I couldn't...
with anyone else, that is...
I couldn't be...
Yeah, exactly.
Hmm... who's serious?
I'm home.
Correction: I'm here.
I really want to talk to you.
Damn it.
Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
I didn't mean to wake you up.
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I just went over
to the house.
I lost my car keys.
Can you believe it?
Well, hell, stay the night.
Oh, no, no, no. Uh...
I was thinking
I'd borrow some wheels.
Oh, man, my Camry's
in the shop.
Well, I was thinking...
I'll have it back tomorrow
night, I swear to God.
I wouldn't presume, believe me.
But I promised Caroline...
...the blonde.
You remember the blonde?
Anyway, I told her I'd
take her to Ellis Island.
...first thing in the a. M.
I don't know.
I guess... 'cause
I've been sleeping with her.
You're having sex
with the blonde?
A little.
Nothing overwhelming.
Anyway, I thought I'd do
something with her.
...aside from having sex
I'm not really proud of it.
She's fine, but I thought
I'd mix it up...
...take her sightseeing.
And Phoebe's?
She's also
having sex.
Not with me, obviously,
or she would have been home.
The point is... No car keys.
I look at this car.
I never drive it.
It's a car, Artie.
Somewhere in the bowels of its
painstakingly polished cylinders.'s crying out,
"Drive me. "
Gently, gently...
You are a prince
among friends, friend.
Hey, get out of here.
You got it in low, Mikey.
Shift it, Mikey! Shift it!
The drums roll out.
The trumpet call.
While the people shout.
"Strike up the band"
Hear the cymbals ring?
Callin' one and all.
To the martial swing.
Strike up the band.
Looking good.
Thought we'd toast
your survival.
Thank you.
I forgot the law.
Damn frickin' law.
What? You're cool, man.
You ditched on
Felder's property.
There's no public damage,
there's no...
No, no, no, no, the other law.
An object in motion
will remain in motion.
...until confronted
with an object at rest.
Hence, a car
hitting a tree.
will axiomatically
adversely affect the car.
Sure, I guess.
Makes sense.
Hey, want a slice?
Absolutely not.
Come on,
you got to eat.
One bruised rib.
That makes you luckier
than my car.
Come here.
I will get that pony back
on her wobbly legs, I swear.
Whatever it takes.
Don't worry about the car.
It's you.
No, it's the car.
How did this
get in here?
Hmm... Some wiggy nurse.
Third floor haberdashery.
Are you insane? You're
bringing that in here now?
What, you expect him
to eat hospital food?
The booze, you dimwitted,
Who gave him a car after he
had 12 for the road, huh?
I didn't know.
What, he was going to steal
your car at 2:00 in the morning?
Ellis Island?
Glad you could make it.
He's lying in there
all screwed up.
...if you're interested.
You should see my car.
Do you know how long it took
me to find a 1965 Mustang. mint condition wi
th 96,000 miles on it?
And I'm connected!
I mean, I know where cars are.
What did you come
here for?
To call your service,
take down your messages?
We'll take it.
Thank you.
We have an appointment.
4:30 Thursday.
Best man I could find.
Who has an appointment?
Whoever cares.
Whoever decides they don't want
him to kill himself next time.
You should try
and be there.
F. Scott Fitzgerald...
Edgar Allan Poe...
Jim Thorpe...
Ulysses S. Grant...
Isadora Duncan...
Edith Piaf...
Stop me when you see
the connecting thread.
Special people...
very similar to your friend.
They drank to relax,
feel stimulated...
...any reason they could find.
They functioned...
...they achieved varying.
...degrees of success.
...and they caused
great suffering.
Their friends tried to help...
...but they lacked
one important resource.
Any guesses?
A technique.
I heard about this, okay?
I'm a musician.
We corner the guy...
we say all these
stupid things to him...
...and we make him
feel like dirt.
Great freaking technique.
have been called.
"the surprise party
from hell. "
The goal, however,
is not to make him feel. hell, exactly,
but to let him know
...he has to change...
...or risk losing all of you.
He'll never lose me.
Me, either.
So. How it begins.
You'll need to come up
with a ruse...
...a way of getting him there.
without him knowing why,
of course.
I was thinking
we should go through.
...all the junk together.
...and decide
what to keep or toss.
Something he feels compelled
to show up for.
Saturday at noon?
I miss the hell out of you.
Did I mention that?
Is it a date?
With you?
Family is
an important part of this;
...his parents should
certainly be included.
It'll be so fun
seeing Michael!
Can you believe it's b
een since last spring?
For God's sake,
he drove into a tree.
He's a boozed-up peckerhead!
Didn't you hear anything
they said on the phone?
I heard
perfectly well, Jack.
They're having a little
get-together for Michael...
...and they'd like us
to come.
Sometimes, I wonder
what planet.'re living
on, Evelyn.
Chiffon or silk?
People at work, very helpful.
So, I have about
a million better things. do on a Saturday.
Ugh! What is that?
It's black haw root.
Ew. It smells like
a cat died.
Anyone who can point out
his failings in that arena.
I'm sure
it's very good.
Black haw, huh?
He mentioned a girlfriend.
As awkward as it may be...
...if she's part of his life
right now...
Wait a minute.
So his wife
knows about me?
It came out.
Things were coming out.
And does he know
that she knows?
Not yet.
Everyone should write down
what they plan to say to him.
It's helpful in the tension
of the moment.
Keep it short, a few sentences.
Give me a mother-loving
minute, will you?
Jack, look...
she's so thin!
Come on! Come on! Come on! After you.
I'll be there
as the group comes together...
...outline our goals,
provide structure, direction.
Where is this guy?
I'm sure he'll be here
any minute now.
Did you call him?
Leave him a message?
What if
he overslept?
Used to be, "interventions" were
something the military did.
I can't imagine.
...there's a problem.
He would have told me.
I think I got.
...some really good stuff
to say to him.
A little touchy-feely...
...but with a certain...
...sting to it.
Does this guy have a pager?
I mean, shouldn't we page him?
Beep him?
You had a mission.
Knew your target.
Hey, where's the blond at?
Yes. How did you leave
it with the girlfriend?
She was a little iffy.
Your girlfriend's coming?
Is it serious?
Air conditioning.
...go the way of
the wood tick around here?
How is your mother?
Such a lovely woman.
The prettiest hair.
Do you remember.
...her hair, Jack?
All lustrous and sparkly.
It was gorgeous.
She passed away.
I am so sorry.
I didn't know.
It was in
eighth grade.
You came to the funeral.
Did I?
I hate to ask...
...but is your father
still among us?
For God's sake, who cares?
I remember him.
He was such a tall man.
He made a peach pie
for the pie contest.
Do you remember
that, Jack?
He was the only man
who contributed.
Zip the flapper, will you?
I know you said
to keep it short...
...but I am
on a real flow here.
I think I should
trust my instincts.
Oh, my God!
He's here.
What did I tell you?
Not the shrink.
That's his car.
Mikey's here!
This is so freaking surreal.
Michael's here, darling.
Now what?
What the hell do we do?
Maybe we should hide.
So we came together to...
...intervene in your life.
I suppose.
With the help
of an expert, who...
Who's on his way.
What with the
car and everything...
Not that the car was
the main thing.
We wrote down
some pretty heavy stuff...
which we'll be reading.
They called us
in Phoenix.
Last we knew,
you had tennis elbow.
Now this.
I was sure that
there had been some mistake.
You look perfectly
wonderful, darling.
Strong and healthy.
I think it's
bull, man.
Certified grade-A caca.
Well, you boys sure
screwed this one up.
Okay, now.
Now, don't worry.
Don't-don't-don't worry,
darling. We'll stay.
We'll stay.
And we'll play golf.
And we'll have a normal
family time, right, Jack?
He's coming back!
Ah, shoot.
That's good.
Isn't that good?
It's better
than leaving.
Could I see you a moment,
You said that we were going
to go through the attic.
I came here to make nice.
Make love,
if I got unspeakably lucky.
You almost killed yourself,
Oh, so I have a drink
once in a while!
Common American pastime.
What is the god damned deal?
Is that why
I'm sleeping.
...on a rented sofa in town?
Is that it?
So you and your newamore
can sip Ovaltine together. get
in the mood?
I get shelled.
...for some Evian-guzzling...
Hi, there!
Thank you
for coming.
Here, I...
Excuse us.
Don't mind us.
We're sorry.
We're just going up the...
path, don't...
Doctor said anyone in your life
who would make a difference.
How can the shrink
not be here?
He's on his way.
Everything's under control.
In what universe?
I am so happy
to meet you.
I have known Artie.
...since he was a little boy.
Never exactly
the ladies' man...
...but, clearly, he's matured... have we all.
Can someone
get that, please?
Sure thing.
She is just an amazing choice
as an invitee to this...
whatever the hell it is...
...because, to tell you the truth...
...she basically drinks me
under the table...
It's all right.
All right?
We're both free agents now.
I don't want to be free.
She was a blip.
A crime of...
Oh, for God's sake.
What can I do to make it
right with you? What?
Come inside.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
I don't want anything else
to happen to you, okay?
I am so sorry.
Go inside.
Go on.
In any case...
...he's currently under sedation.
I know this makes it. extremely problematic
situation for you, but...
...but there's a technique
I can take you through.
If you...
Hello? Are you there?
Hello, all.
Welcome to the fun house.
Hello, sweetheart.
So, how was your flight?
Your mother is a wreck.
She brought her
entire wardrobe.
You a rummy like they say...
...or what?
I stole some
of those nuts.
...that you like.
when the attendant
wasn't looking.
Not that they ever are.
Thank you, Mom.
I don't think so, Dad...
...but it seems as though
I'm in the minority here.
Hey, pal.
Hell of a way. get back at someone.
...for a little
front-bumper damage.
The doctor's not coming.
He has a patient
who tried to kill himself.
They're trying to stabilize
him... Now.
He said
we could start without him.
Read the sentences.
Maybe he could make it
a little later.
This... This is the guy that... put all your trust in?
He helps people.
...that try to hang themselves?
It's pills, I think...
...not hanging.
Did you research the guy...
...or was it a Yellow Pages
kind of thing?
Dr. Trent came
highly recommended.
Tri-Borough is an
excellent hospital.
We were lucky to get him!
He has
a long list of...
People who try
to kill themselves?
Now-the-fuck what?
I don't know
about anyone else...
...but I'm starving.
We have deli.
All right, folks,
let's move it out.
My parents didn't come all
the way from Phoenix for deli...
...did they?
Did they?
Come on, I know a good place.
Come on.
Oh, I just
love it here!
That's why I keep up
my membership, Mom.
So are we
just eating here...
...or are we doing
the thing here?
We could do
"the thing" here.
They do weddings,
bar mitzvahs...
It's an event kind of place.
May I take your
beverage order, Miss?
I'll have a Stoli
straight-up, with a twi...
Scratch that.
Water's fine.
And you, sir?
Yeah, uh, water.
Water's good for me.
Oh, come on.
Don't let me cramp
anyone's style here.
Mom, how about
a glass of Chablis?
Mm, that would be nice.
All right,
I'll have a vodka.
Who are you, exactly?
Caroline's a
friend, Dad.
Oh, I thought
she was Artie's little...
I'll have
a gin and tonic.
What kind of friend?
Now, Jack, I don't
think we should pry.
Why the hell not?
I like to be clear.
I haven't been clear since
I got off the damn plane.
Caroline's someone
I met, Dad.
Phoebe also, she...
a world unto their own.
I thought you might be
Michael's personal trainer.
Oh, please.
Well, we know how you like
to stay in shape, honey.
Look, I don't really
have to be here.
- So...
- I could drive you home.
I mean, if I can go first,
do my spiel and then...
No, you should stay.
Everyone should stay.
It's fine.
Everything is fine.
Could I have
a spritzer, please?
What is wrong with you?
You don't drink!
Yes, I do!
On special occasions.
I'm going
to have a diet Coke.
I mean, if everyone's okay
with that.
Mike, so that you know... can drink today
if you want.
For God's sake!
I'm only saying what the
guy said on the phone!
He said to keep things
as normal as possible.
You're not supposed
to encourage him!
I'm not encouraged.
I can handle it.
- We're not doing this right.
- Sure, you are.
Here I am.
Got my ass glued
to the chair.
Doing my damndest to see this
from your point of view.
Christ... I hit a tree.
You call some dingbat shrink... set up
this dog-and-pony show.
Look, I don't want to put
a damper on this or anything...
...but in my opinion...
...all you lovely, lovely people
The doctor said that
it was a cry for help, Mike.
That's funny.
I thought it was a car accident.
He said
you'd downplay it...
...maybe you'd get defensive.
Well, what did he say
I wouldn't say?
Because I want
to be original here.
He said you'd fight
us the whole way.
The goal at the end of this... for you to get help.
And if you don't, for all
of us to say and mean...
- we're done with you.
- Oh...
This is serious business.
It's not a day out at the club.
Okay, now I know.
Always good to know
the parameters.
Lunch, anyone?
The doctor called and said
we should start without him.
type of thing.
Stuart's going
to be the moderator.
At least, there were
no other volunteers, so...
Do you know that song?
No, but you do.
"Long before I knew you,
long before I met you...
I was sure I'd find you,
someday, somehow. "
And I did.
How about a dance?
Come on, I'm facing
the music here.
One dance,
then I'm yours.
They're waiting, and we
can't start without you.
It is a nightmare,
that table.
And you're
the guest of honor.
Come on.
Oh, God,
I brought it with me.
I know I did. Uh...
Uh... Hmm.
Just say it.
From memory?
I had details.
I need notes I rely on.
Then give up
your fuckin' turn.
No. Everyone has
to have a turn.
Well, I'll go.
It's not your turn,
- I don't mind.
- It's not your turn, Evelyn.
I don't mind.
They're going
L- I don't mind.
I'll go.
Which way would
the big hand go.
...if it were going around
backwards, Evelyn?
I'll have that Chabl
is now, please.
Okay, okay, I'll go.
I'll do it.
Uh, basically, it went
something like...
"You screw up at work...
...You're a screwup. "
That's it?
You're writing the freakin'
Encyclopedia Britannica, and...
I was writing an outline
of the argument.
When I was on the debate team
at Ohio State...
I was really good
at the opening presentation...
...but when it came
to the back-and-forth after... was like
the connection between. brain and my mouth
just shut down.
There was this blackness.
Everything got
very muddy and...
Excuse me.
This isn't your intervention.
Sure, I'm sorry.
Even though
you're obviously.
way more fucked
up than he is.
Can he talk to
me like that?
- Is that okay?
- No, no.
No one can talk to anyone.
This is not a dialogue.
This is not a discussion.
We each say our piece,
and then we're done.
I think you drink.
...because you are trapped by
the Western concept of success. a ladder we must
climb in order. justify our existence.
Excuse me, Miss,
I know you're not from here...
...but success happens to mean
a great deal in this country.
I appreciate this country
far better than you, I am sure.
I can recite the Constitution
and its amendments. ascending or descending
order, whichever you prefer.
Simply put, you're reckless.
You destroyed my car.
I wrote:
I've always been
very proud of you.
Which was a very important
part of my life.
And I always will be.
You're a screwup.
In my opinion...
...sobriety is
an extremely overrated.
...state of mind.
You're incapable of drinking...
You're top of the pops.
...and functioning responsibly.
King of the road, pal.
...which makes you a danger
to yourself...
Don't go changing a hair.
...and society.
That's all I got to say.
That's because you've had
four cocktails.
Screw you!
Sit down.
- You screw up at work.
- Bottom line:
I don't think
you should drink and drive.
I don't get it.
But it's not as bad. destroying yourself.
And just remember...
Didn't have to write that.
...hall monitor.
Yes, dear?
Don't do this.
You're not supposed to comment
until you've heard everyone out.
Don't be so modest.
He had a little accident
his first day at school.
Maybe it was the excitement.
...or the prunes I put
in his cereal for regularity.
In any case,
I ran right over.
with a fresh little
pair of pants.
And because he was so brave...
...his teacher made him
hall monitor.
And he got to make
all those little monsters.
who were laughing at
him be quiet...
...and stop calling
him names. "Stinky. "
And he marched them
- Evelyn!... Straight
down to the cafeteria.
...and then he separated the
hot lunch from the sack kids.
- Evelyn!
- And then he made them stand...
- Evelyn!
- Oh!
There was a restaurant
we went to a while ago.
You didn't realize they hadn't
gotten their liquor license yet...
...and you did your best.
...the whole time
we were there.
It was as though you
were counting the seconds.
...until we could leave
and you could have.
...that after-dinner drink...
or three.
And there'd be more to say
and more to feel.
It wasn't enough
without that extra something. ease the burden
of it just being us.
That about wrap it up?
There's, um, there's something
else I have to say.
Get off, man.
Get off of him!
I'm saving his life.
I know Heimlich.
He's having
an asthma attack.
He's choking!
I know Heimlich!
What's your problem?
Help me out, will ya?
Put his arms up
above his head.
- All right, listen, deep breaths, all right?
- I didn't finish.
Relax. It's all right.
Just take it easy.
I'd do anything...
No, no, no.
Take it easy.
I... I...
I love your wife!
Oh, for God's sake!
I deserve her.
She, she understands.
Is he the one?
She... She understands.
Was it him?
This is ridiculous!
Michael! Michael!
What are you doing?
I love your wife!
I love her!
My cake!
I've never been thrown
out of a place in my life.
He used to sleep over.
I made him waffles.
I'm going
to kill him.
No. Come on, Michael.
Hey, you did great,
you know?
You sent him
to the hospital.
Took him out, buddy.
Where you guys going?
This, this moderator guy. making it with your wife?
Okay, okay.
Leave me alone!
No! No way! Mike!
Okay, you're angry.
He hates us.
I know.
Fuck it...
Guys, I'm heading back.
Do you want this? We're...
What the fuck
were you thinking?
It was all Stuart.
- It was his idea.
- Oh, bullshit!
It was.
Who made sure
the blonde showed?
Well, they nominated me.
And my parents.
What, are we in
the fifth grade?
How'd you like
the hall monitor story?
My wife and my friend!
Did you know
that they were?
No... Mikey.
listen to me.
Listen to me,
all right, Mike?
People sometimes
are unfaithful.
All right? I mean, even my wife,
even Marjorie, Marjorie...
Marjorie what?
We went to Charleston;
...her grandmother's birthday.
Marjorie has this cousin.
They went on this long walk.
Nobody knew where they were...
...and I don't...
Your wife made
it with her cousin?
You know the South. Kids get
born with, like, 12 toes.
What are you
doing here?
Nothing. I'm just here.
Anyway, she went on this walk
with him, you know?
And when she came
back, she...
...smelled different.
I mean, you know...
...that fishy smell?
And afterwards,
I just... I couldn't...
I couldn't even go
near her for weeks.
I couldn't go near Linda
for five months.
The lovely Linda?
Yeah, it was
a stupid night.
Atlantic City. I went down
with some drummer.
There was this club
and this dancer.
...and she did all
her dancing in my lap.
I know. I know.
It sounds seedy.
But man...
...this girl could put
both her legs.
...right behind her head,
right behind my head.
I mean, this girl
was incredible.
She was, she was
the pretzel.
Oh, God.
Sorry. Go ahead. Sorry.
Afterwards, with, uh, Linda,
I felt so guilty...
I- I just couldn't.
Uh, uh, I mean,
I tried everything.
L- I even pretend
ed she was a dancer.
I... Nada.
Nothing seemed to work.
Are you saying. couldn't get an erection
for five months?
Is that what?
I am just asking, okay?
Where have we been?
Cousins, lap dancers...
What happened to telling
each other every damn thing?
Every tiny fucking step
Sitting around
talking breasts?
Naked, blinding breasts.
That first trip down
that dark.
...tunnel of mystery...
Lisa Fentner.
Lisa fuckin' Fentner.
All right, who's
Lisa Fentner?
- I lost it to her.
- Me, too.
Yeah, but he
was the first.
Yeah, but then
he told her how cool.
we were.
I never told
her anything.
She just liked you guys.
- Yeah, but she liked you first.
- Yeah.
Never had her.
What do you mean?
I never had her.
Then what were you
doing with her?
Saving myself.
Brenda Nichols.
Brenda Nichols?
Yeah, now she
was awesome, right?
No, she we called
Monkey Girl.
She had one eyebrow
across her forehead.
She knew "Ode on a Grecian Urn"
by heart.
- Huh? -
Keats. - Who?
She told it to me line by line.
She taught me how to feel it,
how to know it.
What else?
Aw, screw you.
This whole time Lisa Fentner.
...and you were hung up
on Monkey Girl?
Screw you, dipshit?
Why don't you call the
freakin' fun police on me, huh?
It's not fair!
You guys have this past.
I don't have a past
with anybody.
I don't have a friend in the
fuckin' world like you guys.
Sure, you do.
Well, you m...
Ah, you don't even like me.
I could learn.
You could?
Come here.
Come on.
All right, all right.
You want this or not?
Take the car.
I'll get a cab back.
I don't like this.
You don't want to go
in there, Michael.
What a day,
what a night.
God, you guys.
Maybe he could stay
at your place.
Take a train
in the morning?
I haven't
done that since...
God, bunk beds.
All right I had you pegged
all wrong, pal.
You are cool.
You're my hero.
See you in
the smoking section.
Good night, Bert.
You guys should
look me up sometime.
I'm listed.
I was going to be unlisted.
...and then I thought,
"Who's going to find me?"
Yeah, I am a changed man!
I really am.
Ah, I hope it lasts.
Just get in the car!
Yeah, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
How's the arm?
Where's your wife?
Where is she?
He didn't tell you, did he?
Want to know how I know?
He wouldn't give up soccer
until he knew he'd made track.
Play it safe, right?
That's you, isn't it?
- Where is she?
- Michael...
I want to tell your wife
what you freaking did to me.
Let go of me.
Let go of me.
Come here.
I want to show you something.
Beth left me...
...five months ago.
Took the kids.
It was a long time
coming, and it came.
You mind if I sit down?
I'm on pain medication
for my shoulder...
which for the record,
you successfully popped.
...from its socket.
You've been hiding out here.
You've been screwing my wife
for five months?
I never screwed your wife.
Well, what the hell
were you doing with her?
One morning after Beth left...
I was jogging and crying.
Phoebe noticed, and I
told her everything.
We found we had a lot in common.
I can't fucking believe this.
One morning after that...
we kissed each other good-bye.
And I held her.
She didn't pull away.
And by the time she did,
I loved her.
You can't love her.
What on Earth do you have
in common with my wife?
Losing you.
She's just
adjusting to it.
I saw it coming.
I don't know...
I think you stopped being
the genuine article.
...a long time ago.
I don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
I think you do.
I tried telling her
to stay with you.
I realized... heart wasn't in it.
I don't need you
on my side, okay?
I'd say the best things
in your god damned life.
walked right out
on your sorry ass...
- What's that?
- What?
That... Uh... Thing.
Gun thing.
It's a gun.
You shooting cans in the yard?
I got mugged outside of Columbia
Presbyterian one night.
I... I figured I'd be prepared
if there was a next time.
What are you doing?
I don't know.
No wife, no kids,
I despise you;'ll never get my wife;
why don't I hold onto it?
What do you want it for?
I don't want it.
I fucking hate guns.
I just think may
be I should...
Trust me...
I'm not planning
on shooting myself.
Glad to hear it.
Thanks for the concern.
You shouldn't have
kissed my wife.
No matter how much
you wanted to.
Still should be something
said for friendship.
Even if the last time
it was alive and well. were handing me off
the fucking baton.
There still should be
something said for it.
You got anything to...
Liquor's in
the living room.
I was going to ask you
if you have anything to eat.
I don't trust you, buddy.
Hit the ball, Evelyn.
You're not playing
the Open here.
Never felt so stupid.
All those people,
their little papers.
In my day, you drank,
you kept it to yourself.
Didn't have
a gabfest about it.
What can I say, Dad?
They certainly never would've
invited you out for a gabfest.
Not that... Not that
it isn't good to see you.
'Cause it is.
Hit the ball, Evelyn.
There we go.
You know, sometimes
they say it's genetic.
What's that, Mom?
I just don't want you
to blame yourself.
For what, Mom?
Why shouldn't he
blame himself?
It's his life. He made it.
He should lie in it.
I think
it's "bed," Jack.
Lie in his bed.
What are you
talking about?
What about it?
Sometimes they say
it's in the genes.
- Not my genes.
- Ha!
Not mine.
Bent your right arm.
Didn't keep
your head down.
Rocked your hips.
You forget that uncle
you had, Jack.
Very serious drinker.
He was in
a bus station once...
...not a thing
under his raincoat.
He was buck-naked.
And what did he do?
He opened it up in front of
some young drum majorettes.
Stupid stories.
You want to talk heredity?
I'd look at those pills
you pop like they're M&Ms.
Please don't do this.
I have a medical condition.
Even the doctor said...
- Nerves.
- A genuine medical condition.
Everyone has nerves.
Giving in... That's what
he inherited from you.
Your whole family...
...silver spoons hanging
out of their mouths.
Nobody on my side had a
time-out in mental hotels.
A spa, Jack.
A natural hot springs spa.
We had jobs.
Your people babied you.
You babied him.
Made him as dizzy as you are.
He's doing the best
he can, Jack.
For someone with
a drinking problem...
I think he's doing
very well.
I can't find it anywhere.
The heir and the spare.
What's that, Dad?
- Tell me.
- It was over here, right?
You don't want to hear it.
Yeah, I do.
Come on, you've got the
proverbial ball rolling here.
Go for it.
Pinning all
our hopes on you.
What about it?
That was our mistake.
Those kings
in the old days.
Got their heir to the throne...
...also had a bunch of other kids.
The heir goes down,
there's a backup.
She knows what.
I'm talking about.
She was too frail.
Postpartum thing,
she almost jumped out a window.
Couldn't risk
having another.
If we had...
maybe he'd have known.
what he was doing
with his life...
...made us proud.
You wanted to hear it.
You'd think...
...strangers would feel
this strange together...
You should spend
some time with a pro.
Work on that chip shot.
You know, I think we have
something going for us here.
I am not my father.
Puts us way ahead of
the game, don't you think?
I didn't know my old pal
was such a great kisser.
But he is a good man...
...and I understand
why you turned to him.
Wasn't such a great kiss...
...and it was never him.
It was always someone else.
Nobody real.
Not yet, anyway.
Hard to find someone willing
to take on the load.
I'm going to be.
Wasn't sure what to do
when I first found out.
A baby?
When were you
going to tell me?
I mean, if I hadn't had just
showed up here right now...
I don't want to stay
together because of it.
I want to feel the joy of it.
I don't want to miss that.
Pheeb... Please.
I can't have two kids
to take care of.
Would you give
me a chance, please?
Where you going?
Where you going?
You should get some sleep.
Take better care of yourself.
A kiss? That's it?
All this drama
for a fucking kiss?
Can we focus on the
matter at hand, please?
I don't get what's the big.
So he's not home?
Yeah, he probably
went back to the city.
His car is
at his house.
So he went
for a walk.
She said he's been
gone for three hours.
So he's taking.
...a long walk.
I don't get.
what you're so
freaked out about.
No one knows
where he is.
And he has my gun.
How on God's earth
did he get a gun?
Hold on!
Hold on. You know what?
You're the reason
that we screwed.
...this whole thing up
in the first place.
I mean, we booked you,
$200 an hour. You...
You had an obligation.
What did you get
your degree in?
Don't you talk to me like that.
My patient's on life support.
I'm not myself.
He's not himself.
Ah, terrific.
Now then, if I were you...
I'd do my best to find him
as soon as possible.
I don't know why, but suicide
seems to be in the air tonight.
What did he say?
Forgive me.
Bad word. Bad choice of words.
Please disregard it.
Can you do that?
I've got a technique
I can take you through.
Oh, my-my God.
What did he say?
What'd he say?
Excuse me, the guy brought
it up, the guy you hired!
He's gonna take me
through a technique.
It is not my fault.
...that he stole my gun.
This all-consuming need
to screw his wife.
That had nothing to do with
my professional assessment.
Oh, eat me.
That's how you came up.
with the whole idea
in the first place.
He was so on to you.
What are you
talking about?
You know what.
Playing God.
Setting us up
as his judge.
Who the hell
are we to judge?
- Even if you did it subliminally...
- Look...
we're gonna find him, we're
gonna go street by street.
Stuart, you just
went around in a circle.
- Stop the c...
- Pull over and let me. the car.
Some enchanted evening.
- He's right there.
- Where?
You may see a stranger...
Getting to know you.
Getting to know
all about you.
Getting to like you.
Getting to hope you like me?
You ever seen
him like this?
He's just loaded.
That's all.
Hey, Mikey.
- Hey, pal.
- Oh. Yeah.
Yeah. Whoo!
It's the team!
Where you all been?
You wanna warm up?
Not right now, buddy.
We're a little worried.
Stuart's lost his gun.
- See, we were wondering...
- Yeah.
...if maybe you had it.
This, you mean?
That would be it.
- Don't wave the gun around, pal.
- Michael...
Yeah, give it to us, Mikey.
I want you to forgive me
for whatever pain.
I may have caused.
I was outta line...
...and for that I'm
extremely sorry.
Please, give me the gun.
I get it.
You think I'm gonna
blow my brains out.
That's what you think.
I get it.
Count 'em. All six.
Right here.
You really think I'd walk around.
with a loaded pistol
in my pocket?
What are you, nuts?
What are you,
whacko or something?
Yeah. I guess so.
Guess we were.
Aw, forget it.
Oh, come on, let's do
the big cheer-o-la, huh?
What do you say?
All right.
Let's go.
Let's huddle.
Why don't we take
you home, Michael?
You're tired.
What, are you kidding me?
I'm wide awake.
Come on.
Let's-Let's huddle.
Here we go.
Why do we run?
Why do we run?
For the team, buddy.
You betcha.
How do we win?
How far can we go?
Come on, say it.
How far can we go?
Damn straight.
How about we
take you home, huh?
What do you say?
Come on.
That's not very exciting.
- Home.
- Come on.
Car's right over there.
All right.
You can walk
on your own.
He can walk on his own.
Let's go.
Now this... exciting.
We got five little sluggerinos
going bye-bye.
We got one in here.
Who wants to go home?
What are you doing, pal?
It's early.
I don't want to go home.
Hey, you guys
want to race?
Got the old.
...starting gun.
Uh-oh. Can't start yet.
I'm gonna warm up.
Stop. You're
gonna hurt yourself.
Dr. Doom.
Doom and gloom,
gloom and doom...
Come on, buddy!
We're really sorry
about the whole deal.
It was a really bad deal.
We're really, really sorry.
Really, really,
sorry, sorry.
What a dummy.
What a waste.
Aw, you're
getting cut, dude.
No loser dummies on my team.
You on my team?
I may as well shoot
myself in the foot.
- Michael, no!
- No!
- Phew!
- Jesus Christ, Mike.
Let me help you. Let me take you.
...somewhere where
you can get help.
Oh, screw you!
You kissed my girl
behind my back.
For that I'd say you
deserve to lose your balls.
Or your life.
Which'll it be, huh?
Whoa, whoa.
Stop it!
All right, that's it.
- That's it.
- Oh, God...
I'm not dealing.
with a raving lunatic!
- Oh, fuck you!
- We should get.
- Out of here.
- We're not leaving him here.
- Why not?
- Whoo!
Team's running... Running
in the wrong direction.
We ain't gonna win like that.
- No, Mike.
- Team running the wrong way.
Jesus, come on, Mike!
What's happening?
What is wrong with you?
Don't try anymore.
We gotta get out of here.
Mike? Buddy?
I'm begging you now.
I'll run with you.
Okay? The
right direction.
Just give me the gun.
What are you crying about?
We love you. We don't want
anything to happen.
Oh, you never want
anything to happen!
You know what that makes me
feel like doing?
Mike. Whoa.
Come on.
What are you?
Shooting my heart out.
Don't! Michael!
Back off!
Mikey, no! No!
Oh, God.
Damn you!
That's five.
- Whoo!
- Michael, listen to me.
Okay? You've got to stop.
- He's too far gone.
- Oh, fuck you!
Look, he's a fool...
He's a damn useless idiot!
Ah! I got talent!
I got a talent for life!
You lost it.
All of you!
Aw, shit!
You never had it.
You couldn't keep up with me.
Always something
holding you back.
Well, look at you now.
Take out the trash,
say your prayers... of the fucking faded!
I drink too much?
Fuck you!
I'd rather have
my life any day.
If I had to be like you,
you know what I'd do?
Mike! Come on, please!
Oh, man...
I got to show you something.
Bunch of dead ends!
Dead! Dead
before your time!
Oh, please, God... me from the dead ends!
Show me the lights!
Hey, hold up!
Hey, I'm gonna give you
one more chance.
You want to be on the team?
I'll show you how.
I'll show you the lights.
Hey, come back here!
Hey, I'm talking to you!
Hey, fuckers,
I'm talking to you!
Where are you going?
Come on!
Aw, come back here!
Dr. Trent?
Life-support failed
about 20 minutes ago.
I'm very sorry.
Me, too.
Are you...
...a relative?
I'm the guy they had the intervention
for you never made it to.
Forgive me.
Can I help you in any way?
Actually, I wish
I could've talked to him.
I beg your pardon?
Maybe he could've filled me
in on a few things.
Tell me why someone
would go to such lengths.
And if you come back from there... do you find
another way to...
...look at things?
You know...'s never just about
the drinking.
That's what I've been trying to
tell them all, for God's sake.
It's about something
to look forward to, right?
I used to have things:
The next race, the next girl,
the next drive...
...someplace I'd never been.
I couldn't wait
to get up in the morning.
The future looked good.
The past creeps up
on you, though.
The future gets smaller.
Things get...
I like the colors, see?
You have a few drinks,
no gray anymore.
You're up.
I mean, people like me up.
They used to, anyway.
Life as it is...
...plain old life...
I don't know.
Little things.
I know you're supposed
to like the little things.
Little things are...
God, they're little for me.
I guess I've been this way
so long.
...that if I stopped, I'd...
I'd be, uh...
I don't know.
I wrote down where I'll be.
That guy Trent's
checking me in.
Sixth floor, no view,
no cocktails.
Very unpopular vacation spot.
They don't allow visit
ors the first two weeks.
But after that, if you're
in the neighborhood...
I'll be there.
If it's easy.
You are a very
beautiful woman.
And I guess if the child's
anything like you...'s gonna be okay.
I guess that's all
we can hope for.
For now.
The 8:05 to
Manhattan-Penn Station. now arriving.
Come on, move it!
All aboard!
We thought we'd lost him.
Wrong shoes, wrong age.
Still, in his way...
...the one to beat.
Why do we run?
Why do we run?
For the team, buddy.
How do we win?
How far can we go?
Come on, say it.
How far can we go?
Damn straight.