Life's a Breeze (2013) Movie Script
- What do I get out of it?
- Emma, you don't get
to ask that question
at 13 years of age.
You have duties, live with it.
Why do I have to go
before and after school?
Yeah, why does
she have to go before and after?
Because Mom is 79 and not
quite the full shilling anymore.
Whoops!
Calculator in the corn flakes.
God, just bring her her bloody paper
and milk and stop moaning
about it, will ya?
Once I get some
new stock I'll be fine.
- The problem's just cash flow.
- Just get it from the bank.
They're not lending.
You can't all go on borrowing
money from me indefinitely.
Mmm, from us indefinitely.
From me indefinitely.
- Mom!
- What?
I don't have time to make
you gourmet lunches, Emma.
This is embarrassing.
Just take a bite of the banana
and then a bite of the bread.
That's what we used to have.
- You tell her.
- Last time, I promise.
And what happens when
you can't pay me back?
I'll pay you back.
I'll have to give you a check.
- What?
- She's old and weird
and only ever wants
to argue about things.
Can't argue with that.
Thanks, sis, you're a lifesaver.
Your mom is well able
to look after herself.
She could come and live
with us instead.
Do as your mother tells you.
No.
Thank you, dear.
You're welcome.
Mom!
Mom!
Come on, Mom, will you help?
Ask her where's my birth cert.
What's he looking for now?
- Birth cert.
- Where did you put it?
I mean it's not like
they don't know who I am.
I've been going down there
for nearly twenty years.
I collect once a week.
I sign on once a month.
I mean, they have my signature.
They have my picture!
And what the hell is
an annual review?
They never used to have
annual reviews.
How can you live
in this chaos, Mom?
Tell him to take his time
and he'll find it.
I mean, who uses a birth cert
for anything anymore anyway?
I'm gonna be late.
They're gonna make me do
a whole new application.
Then they're going to start
trying to train me to do things.
Come on, where did you put it?
- You put everything...
- He's not used to being up this early.
Come on, Mom, will you help?
I'm gonna lose me welfare!
Did you put it in a drawer?
Will you help me?!
Mom!
Des?
- No job?
- Don't tell Mom.
Don't mind her.
If she'd listened to us and sold
the house during the boom
we'd all be in the south
of France by now.
- Hiya.
- Not you too?
They cut me down to two days
at the groomers.
Don't tell Mom.
Here, go on, will ya?
- Huh?
- You're next.
Relax, I'm talking here.
Just get a move on,
ya bleedin' culchie.
I'm not a culchie.
Nan?
Nan?
Nan?
Nan!
Huh?
Eight bags, that's the lot.
Emma?
Check that this is on right.
A hundred and sixty, there,
please, Annie.
They're safe enough there, love.
Night, girls.
Jesus!
It's colder than
a Norwegian's tit.
- Oh, lovely, Colm.
- What?
Did you put your rent
in the jar?
Yes, I did.
I don't know what you
need money for, anyway.
I need you to do us a favor.
Take Nan for a day out
somewhere.
Okay?
Why?
You can't tell her.
Fine.
I'm going to clean up the house.
Does my mom know about it?
I'm going to get her to help me.
I just need to know
we have our decoy first.
- Fifty.
- Are you fucking serious?
Take it or leave it.
Get her out early and back late.
And don't let on now.
Can I not just want
to hang out with my granny?
I've been on the dart before.
Your granddad took me
out to Bray
when they opened the line.
Nineteen eighty-four.
Anything from the last century
doesn't count.
Will I be back in time
for Joe Duffy?
I dunno. Is he coming
to the house?
On the radio.
- Two o'clock.
- We definitely won't be back.
Are you cold?
No, I'm all right.
But you're a bit cold,
aren't you?
I'm grand.
Just say you're cold.
But I'm not.
- Just say it.
- I'm freezing.
Don't worry.
I have just the thing for you.
What do you think
happens to you when you die?
I don't think anything happens.
Maybe coming back to life
as someone else,
like the president
or some famous singer.
Or a handicap
or a homeless person.
No.
Or you come back as Colm.
Aw, wreck the head.
Something better
than you are now.
No such thing.
Okay.
Me...
except... I'm younger
- and I can fly.
- Seriously.
It's not a conversation
to be taken seriously.
Reincarnation is serious.
A lot of people believe in it.
More wishful thinking.
Surprise!
It's not my birthday
until next week.
Special treat, Mom,
ahead of your birthday...
full house makeover.
What?
Everything of worth or
sentimental value has been cleaned.
Everything else has been repaired,
replaced or upgraded.
Fresh as a daisy.
New toaster, new kettle.
I cleaned the cooker.
New digital TV service...
No more crappy picture quality
and you can record on it.
It's like watching it back live.
And, drumroll please...
Whoa-aaa!
Giant basket for your wool!
Oh, look.
We put these
all around the house.
Keep the old-folk stink away.
Come on, Mom.
New table.
And you can see yourself
in the mirror now.
Where's everything gone?
Three hundred and eighty-six
true crime novels,
forty-six phone books,
twenty-two years of newspapers.
Calendars, birthday and Christmas cards,
knitting patterns.
Seven million Chinese
take-away menus.
Eight million bus tickets.
School books, first year
leaving certificate, 1954-1996.
All sorts of other junk, too.
All gone to recycling.
Come on.
Ta-dah!
New shower curtains.
Handles in the bath.
- Oof!
- Oh, here.
We cleared out some of
the old furniture in my room.
Oh, some nice
improvements in there.
In case you ever wanted
to rent it out or whatever.
You planning on moving out?
No plan, no, but just in case.
Keep your eyes closed, okay.
Annie, you get the lights.
Straight across, okay.
Don't open your eyes, Mom,
wait for the big finale.
Wait... okay.
Ta-dah!
New curtains, new carpet.
Best of all, no more
smelly old mattress.
Brand-new bed,
lkea's finest,
memory foam, orthopedic.
Best night's kip ever.
We both got one.
Where's the old one?
Oh, yeah. We cleared out all
the crap from under the bed.
You can see right through
to the other side.
Have a look!
Much better feng shui!
Where's it gone?
Mom, you don't have
to worry about it,
- that's the point.
- Where is it?
Why do you want to know?
Because all my money was in it.
Are you sure?
Yes, Colm, I'm sure.
How much?
Nearly a million.
I tell you what, Mom,
you can still nail a punch line.
Yeah, me small wit.
A million bedbugs.
A million euros.
Ah, pull the other one,
would you?
How would you get
a million euro?
Selling off the garage
at the end of the garden,
rent from the basement flat,
my inheritance,
whatever your dad didn't drink,
savings from teaching
and my pension.
Not quite a million,
but fifty year's savings
adds up.
If you did have the money, Mom,
why didn't you put it
in the bank?
Have you not been listening
to the news?
It was safe here.
You could hold it in your hands.
I didn't know you idiots were going
to come along and throw it out.
You don't think
she's serious, do you?
She looked very serious to me.
It went out the front
with the rest, didn't it?
- Yeah. Did the charity take it?
- No.
How can you be so sure?
They don't take beds or bedding.
- So it's gone to the dump?
- Well, what did it look like?
- What color was it?
- What did it look like, Mom?
- It was blue.
- It was cream and blue...
with the letters A-Q-P
printed on it.
It went out
with everything else.
Who was the van driver?
Just a lad I know.
He drinks up in the hill.
- Ring him.
- I don't have his number.
Oh Jesus, Colm, you and your
bloody schemes.
I told you to organize
a professional waste service.
Wait a minute.
Whoever we gave it to would
have taken it away the same.
In fact, if they were professional,
it would already
be incinerated by now.
The guy I got to do it is
probably up in the pub
with everything still sitting
in the back of his van.
Where are we going?
Come on, come on.
Where are we going?
What about Nan?
- I'll take her.
- Come on.
Come on.
To be honest, I'm not sure
I believe any of this.
I mean, you must have changed
your mattress over all those years.
Four times.
When the euro came in,
I took pounds to the bank
every day for six months.
And when were you
going to tell us
about these extensive savings?
I wasn't going to tell you.
It must be a wind-up.
Maybe she's in shock after we
threw out all her junk.
Can you actually imagine
if there was a million
euro in it? Ha.
Jim? Arthur in?
Yeah, he's sitting there.
See if we can grab his keys
from on the bar.
- Was he there?
- No.
Might have gone out for a smoke.
Didn't see him outside.
Jeez, that's brutal, isn't it?
- Three-nil.
- Yeah.
Give us a packet of them crisps
there, will you, Jim?
What do you want Arthur for?
Nothing.
Just looking for him.
Aw, fuck it, Jim.
Bollocks!
What the hell are you doing?
- Get out of that van.
- Sorry, Arthur.
We threw out something
that Mother wanted to keep.
We thought you might
still have it in the van.
You'd want to wise up.
Sorry.
Where did you dump it?
Aw, come on, man.
I apologized, okay?
Gimme me keys.
Where did you offload it?
The recycling depot
in Ring's End.
Okay.
Okay, great.
Thanks, Arthur.
Cheers.
I'll make it up to you!
I'll buy you a pint, right?
- Should we climb over?
- What if there's a guard dog?
Why would they be guarding
a load of rubbish?
It's worth a lot.
You'd be surprised.
They sell it to the Chinese.
I wonder how much
they pay for old mattresses.
Well, are we going
to do something or what?
- I'm not getting over that.
- Needn't bother.
Everything's cleared. They must
have already sent it on.
Where, Colm, to where
have they sent it?
Some sort
of sorting facility I suppose.
You suppose.
I'll go in and talk
to them in the morning.
- Monday morning.
- It's a bank holiday.
Tuesday morning.
Don't worry,
Colm will find it on Tuesday.
Colm is sick.
He couldn't find
a wife or a job.
How's he going to find
my life savings?
All right, go on!
- He will.
- Mmm.
Oh, oh!
- God help me!
- I'll hold you.
Get your hands off me arse.
- Do you want help or not?
- Bollocks!
I hate Sundays.
Why do you want it back?
It's got sentimental value.
Dad used to sleep
on it with her.
Oh.
Happy memories, huh?
Just let it go, love.
It'll be filthy by now.
It'll be no use to you.
Yeah, she's superstitious, too.
Probably easiest
just to find it.
Oh.
Well, if you put it
in the right container,
It's probably gone to landfill
via the depot by now.
People put mattresses
all over the shop here.
Rubble, timber,
damaged furniture,
pre-loved furniture.
Reusable.
Either way it's probably
gone to the landfill.
I thought this was
a recycling center.
It's practically impossible
to recycle a mattress.
They're indestructible yokes.
You put them in the shredder...
and they're likely to pop out
the other side intact.
The pickarinos try to get the steel
out of the springs sometimes,
but it's just not
worth the effort.
Well, where the hell
do we start?
Gerry!
If it did go to the landfill,
how would we find it?
- Jump up and down.
- Pardon?
Well, you wouldn't
be able to see it
'cause they cover everything up
really quick.
Unless they leave the corner
sticking up or something.
But you can usually
tell by the feel of it
there's a mattress in
the ground 'cause it's soft, springy.
Starts right over there.
Just gotta go in.
There's this whole section here.
That's all fresh stuff
just coming in now.
So, see,
if we go up to the office...
Lift up that brown one.
- We're trying to lift it.
- Just push it.
Yeah.
Fuck off.
Whoo!
Trick or treat!
Awww!
Arrrgh!
What are you looking at?
What are you doing?
Where's that county map?
I'm going to start
looking up landfills.
Some kids just robbed
the shed out of the garden.
Let them have it.
We never used it
for anything anyway.
Look, I know the scene.
There is probably about a hundred
of the little fuckers.
I'm not going to go after them,
take it off them,
then try and drag it back up
the street and over the wall,
with them all chucking stones
at me and calling me names.
Just let them do
their gathering.
Stop!
Wait a second, you!
Guys?
Stop!
Hey! Hey! Hey, did yous take
a blue mattress from outside?
Shut up, you!
Look, come here, I don't
care about the shed.
Did you take a mattress
from down outside?
Do you want a dig
in the head, do you?
Come on, lads.
Come on, lads!
Come on, boys!
Quick! Quick! Quick!
Here. Did you see anyone
put a mattress in there?
Here, take your hands off him!
Mary, some fuckin' weirdo's
at your son.
No, no, no.
Mary!
Look here, mister.
I'll knock the bollocks off you!
You pedo!
I'll tear strips off you
and feed them to the dog!
It either went in the fire
or went in the recycling.
Unless that fella in the pub
didn't send it to the recycling.
What?
If he was lying.
About what?
Sending it to the recycling.
And why'd you think that?
Well, you could sort
of tell, couldn't you?
Well, why didn't
you say anything?
You never listen to me anyway.
Jesus.
Annie, I'm borrowing the car.
I'll drop it back to you later.
I've got the keys.
Eh, come on, get in.
Ah, for flip sake, a ball.
Here, hold that.
Go on, you get in.
You didn't go to the recycling
center at all, did you?
Tread lightly, Colm.
How much do they
charge for a van?
Colm, you gave me 60 quid
to get rid of it for you.
That doesn't buy you the right to ask
how I can make that profitable.
I'll give you another 20 if you
tell me where you dumped it.
What do you want
to know so much for?
Because the thing's
had sentimental value.
It just looked like
old rubbish to me.
Fifty.
You're showing
your hand now, Colm.
How much do you want
to tell us where it is?
Well, that's a big question,
me dear.
I think maybe
knowing Colm as I do,
he wouldn't be this motivated
to look for something
just because his poor old Mommy
had some sentimental attachment.
I'd say you've thrown out
something of monetary value.
A ring maybe, in a drawer?
An antique?
And you're willing to pay up
to nearly that value
as long as it's still an oyster
laying there for you.
So, until you tell me
what's up there,
I can't give you
a price now, can I?
- Up where?
- Tsk, tsk, tsk!
Why don't you think
about what your price is
and we'll call you
in the morning.
Hold on a second,
he's just taking...
Shut up, Colm.
Okay?
Yeah.
Call me in the morning
and we'll work it out.
I'm going to call you
at 10:00 in the morning, Arthur.
You better answer.
What the hell are you doing?
You totally let him off the hook.
Oh, Jesus, Colm, can you
not do anything right?
You should stay out of it.
I could have done
a deal with him.
Huh. You have
your dad's brains.
That's the best
I can say about you.
I think I'll keep the car
till the morning, will I?
I don't fancy walking home
from Annie's now.
- We're not going home.
- We're not?
Do you see that white van?
Yes, I see the white van.
I see that van in my sleep.
I'm fecking haunted
by that white van.
Follow it.
Mom, you're a genius.
How did you crack that?
After so many years,
I've gotten to know
how opportunistic chancers
like that think.
Like Colm.
Where the hell's he going?
Lovely friends you have, Colm.
This is where you go to bury a body,
not dump old furniture.
I hate Halloween.
We have him now.
The dirty, lying head
on you, Arthur.
People are going
to hear about this.
Relax, will you?
I was just worried somebody
might have overheard
us in the pub.
How would ya know where to look?
Eh, everybody dumps shit
along this stretch.
There were a load of gypos
made a mess of it.
It's not here.
So it's a mattress you're after?
Where's the fucking
mattress, Arthur? It's not here.
What?
Was there something in it?
- Money?
- Where did you put it?
I threw everything out here,
yours and another load.
Definitely some mattresses in it,
but it's all been moved around.
Maybe the gypos were
rootin' through it,
or the corpo took it.
They'll be up in the morning,
we should ask them.
How much was in it?
Arthur, if you ask me that again
I'm going to punch you
in the face.
Do you believe in hell?
I do.
It's living with Colm.
That's a fucking
bed bottom, sure.
What are you doing?
Can you even drive?
Oh, I drove your
granddad's car a few times...
on Dollymount Strand.
Take that, Colm, you dope!
Hi, Mom!
- Hi, Mom.
- Say hi, everyone.
- Hello!
- Hello!
Oh, look, there's Michael.
I don't think I've ever seen
those gloves on him before.
And here is Colm,
lifting... lifting a box!
- It's a box of wool.
- It happens to be heavy.
It's a heavy box of wool!
You're not supposed to be
lifting anything. Here.
Jesus, Colm!
Don't just feck it into the box!
You're supposed to wrap
and pack, wrap and pack.
Oh, it's a teasmade!
Oh, Jesus!
- Your side now, Des.
- Yeah.
- Easy. Easy!
- Sorry about that.
You're not directing it, you're
either helping or you're not.
- I'm helping!
- Oh, come on.
Oh, for fuck sake, seriously,
what are you doing?
Just checking me teeth.
Cleaning your teeth?
Yeah, no, I...
Yeah, I understand that,
but how many mattresses
can you get in a day?
And do you recycle?
Hi, uh, just wait a sec.
What's the area that you cover?
Mom, do you have money
for the pizzas?
- I never ordered pizzas.
- Colm did.
- Well, let Colm pay for them.
- He's on the phone, I think.
- He'll be down for you in a minute.
- Okay.
He gave me
50 percent off vouchers.
He said get one of yous
to pay for the other half.
The other half?
Cheeky bollocks.
What are yous doing?
We're just...
Planning something.
What is it, a treasure hunt?
Excuse me.
It's a family matter, okay?
Can you wait out
in the hall, please?
Yeah, okay.
Sorry.
Jesus.
Hello?
We're going to have to start
being more discreet about this.
- Shush!
- Don't shush me, Michael.
I thought
it might have been burnt,
but I went around this morning
and there's no sign
of any mattress springs
or anything,
so it's out there somewhere.
- What's he doing?
- Colm, can you...
Dublin Corporation said
they might have cleared it
to landfill,
but it's impossible to know.
So, it's a blue mattress?
Yes, Joe, cream and blue,
and we'll pay a reward
of 50,000 euro to anyone
who can help us find it.
- Colm, hang up the phone!
- Colm!
- Hang up the phone!
- Hello?
Colm, are you still with us there?
We seem to have lost Colm.
Hello, Colm? He's gone.
It was the best idea
any of us have had.
Why don't you ask someone before
you do these things, Colm?
It's all of our money in that
mattress, it's not just yours.
- Idiot.
- Don't call me an idiot.
Oh God, would you
listen to this?
Why would I give
this fella back that money
for 50 grand when
I could just keep the lot?
If it's in the tip,
it's finders keepers.
Ah, now just hang on
for two secs.
This is his elderly mother's
life savings we're talking about.
You wouldn't just keep them
for yourself, would you?
She didn't find it necessary
to spend it before now.
What's changed?
I've been out of work
for nearly two year, Joe.
I've got two kids to feed,
me wife's on disability
and I've got a gas bill
that's going through the roof.
A million euro for putting
a peg on me nose?
Yes, please.
Des says there's only six landfills
that it could be in.
So if we do one a day,
do them well,
worst case scenario is
we'll have it in a week.
It's better that
you're here, Mom.
You know what it looks like
on a subconscious level.
You'll probably see it out of
the corner of your eye.
I think you should have to
search these places by yourself
for being such a dope.
You're some cheeky little wagon,
do you know that?
I mean, where do you get off calling
me a dope at 12 years of age?
She's 13.
Don't talk to her like that.
Thirteen and she thinks
she knows everything.
God, this looks busy.
Shit.
Bollocks.
That mattress has my name on it.
I'm not going home
until I find that money.
There he is now. Ah.
Buy him an old pint there,
Jim, will you?
Sure didn't he
throw it all away.
Give us your autograph
on that, will you?
Around a million euro.
What?
Why didn't you
check the mattress?
Um, what if someone robbed it?
We've all been following
the story this week
of the missing mattress with
a million euros stashed in it.
People up and down the country
have been eagerly searching
their local dumps
in hope of finding
Mrs. Annie Small's loot.
Annie's been good enough
to join us
in The Late Late Show
audience tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Annie.
It's also a big week
for you birthday-wise.
What age are you going
to be tomorrow?
I'm going to be 80.
Well, the good news
you'll be delighted to hear
is that in a poll
on the R.T.E. website
ninety-one percent of people said
that if they found the mattress
they'd settle for the reward
and give the rest back.
Hey, pizza guy!
Come in, have a beer.
Don't be shy.
- Close the door.
- What's that?
Open it, Mom.
- Huh?
- It's a wool winder.
Hurry up, he's here.
Yeah, okay, I'm coming,
I'm coming.
Forty-fifth... Oh, jeez.
One, two, three, four...
You look lovely, Mom.
Well, you gave me a little bit
of notice this time.
Yeah, we didn't think you
needed any more surprises.
Where is the fire?
I hear there is
a smoking-hot lady in here
in need of a good hose.
Over here!
Oh, yeah!
Come here, Annie.
Mmm, you dirty little minx.
- Ahhh!
- Oh, Jesus.
Ahhh!
- Whoo!
- Look at.
Whoo, yeah.
Whoo whoo whoo!
Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Ahh. Ohh.
Oh, Jesus.
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Mom
Happy birthday to you
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Fire safety first.
That's a lot of candles, love.
Mind your hair now. We don't want
to torch the blue rinse.
No! No, no, no, no!
Hey, come on. I don't take off
my clothes for free.
- Yeah, we need to get paid, man.
- Everybody throw in.
- I don't have anything.
- Seriously?
I made the cake.
- I bought the beer.
- I put up the decorations.
- I made you a good show?
- Yeah, you were deadly.
Don't eat any more cake, love.
You'll be sick.
Margaret, can you chip in
to pay these guys?
Yeah, of course.
- How much are you short?
- 350.
Are you serious?!
When are yous gonna grow up?
Take it out of the mattress
when we get it back.
Oh, I will, thanks, Colm, yeah.
I don't have 350.
I'll have to write you a check.
- What?
- Nan wants you.
- For what?
- The lotto.
- What day is it?
- Wednesday.
Oh, shite.
I never got a ticket.
- What's the jackpot?
- Four and a half million.
- Oh, shite.
- Nan got tickets.
- Did she?
- Yeah.
It's on now.
Oh ho ho, if you're not in,
you can't win.
I can't believe
you didn't get me one.
I always get you one.
Good evening, everyone.
I'm Ella...
Sorry. Here,
you can have this one.
No, go on.
It's yours.
Well, if we win, we'll split it.
Not at all.
I had a dream we won.
Did you?
Yeah, with these numbers.
When I woke up
I wrote them out and...
Okay, ho ho, shush shush.
It's coming on.
So check those tickets carefully,
and the best of luck to all of you.
Jesus, she's gorgeous,
isn't she?
The first ball
in tonight's lotto is number 20.
- Any luck there, Mom?
- I don't think so.
- No.
- ...number 23.
No, wait.
- I got them.
- ...and we have number 14.
- Both of them?
- I have 14, too.
You got three numbers?
You got three numbers!
...followed by number one.
And one!
You got four numbers, Mom!
You got four numbers!
Oh, shush shush shush.
What did she say?
- What did she say?
- 16.
We have five numbers!
That's about a quarter
of a million!
We just need one more.
Come on, the six numbers!
And the sixth ball is number 25.
And the bonus ball is number 20.
Whoo whoo!
Mom!
Mom, you fucking did it!
You fucking did it!
Oh, Ella, I knew you'd have
something good for me.
Tonight's winning numbers...
Hold on, hold on.
Double check.
Double check.
Whoo! I knew!
I knew we wouldn't be poor forever!
I told you!
Are you sure you got them right?
Yeah!
I checked them twice.
- We have them all.
- What do you mean "we"?
I thought you said
the ticket was mine
and that you wouldn't split it?
Huh?
Well, if it's yours,
you're going to have to share it
with the rest of them.
It's me and you, Mommy.
The lotto's always
been me and you.
Are you sure
you got the numbers?
- Huh?
- Maybe you should watch it again.
Watch it again just to be sure.
And now let's play lotto...
It's good, isn't it?
Digital television,
just like watching it live.
You were recording it?
Oh yeah, we recorded this
ages ago.
"I knew. I knew we wouldn't
be poor forever!"
It was last week's draw,
you dummy.
So we didn't win?
We bought a ticket with numbers
from last week's draw,
just to wind you up.
All I want is to be allowed to live
with a little bit of dignity.
That's funny, is it?
To want socks
with no holes in them,
money to get a little car,
and not to have to live
with my mother all my life
with everyone laughing at me.
Yous are a shower of bastards.
And coming up after the break,
cash-strapped locals in Kildare
find the missing mattress
everyone's been looking for,
and how Waterford hurlers
are preparing for Sunday's...
They found it.
They found it in Kildare!
You stupid.
The infamous mattress containing
the missing life savings
of 79-year-old retired
schoolteacher Annie Small
was discovered here at the Ballybeg
waste processing center
outside of Celbridge.
Local man Graham Gaffney
was surprised to find
the sum of money
hidden inside the mattress was not
quite as substantial as many
had been led to believe.
Graham, what exactly
did you find?
When I saw the first few notes
I knew straightaway
that was it.
And, uh...
I was dancing, Joe.
And two of the other lads
helped me drag it down
into the yard.
I offered them 10 grand each
for their trouble like, you know?
And we cut it up and...
let me put it to you this way:
There wasn't 20 grand there
for the lads like, far from it.
How much did you get, Graham?
670 euros,
mostly in fivers.
And are you
disappointed, Graham?
Well, I did see her on The Late
Late Show with me own eyes
and she did say a million,
so I felt a bit cheated,
to be honest with you.
But 670 euros
are not bad for a day's work
in the tip.
Better than a slap in the face
with a wet fish.
There was at least 900,000 euros
In that mattress.
Aw, for God's sake.
Give it up, will you?
- I know what I had.
- You saved up 600 quid.
And you know what?
Well done.
- That's more than I ever saved.
- I know what I had.
You don't remember things
perfectly anymore.
That's life.
Nobody's angry at you.
Why should anybody
be angry at me?
You're the feckin' idiot
who threw all my stuff out!
Aw, Jesus. Turn it on me,
why don't you?
Do you understand you've had us
all on a wild goose chase?
The whole country.
Don't you say
one more word to me, Colm.
It's on the radio too.
You get to an age
where all you want to believe
is the world still cares about you.
Tell me if I'm wrong, Adrian.
And didn't she hit the jackpot with
this one, the attention she got?
I mean the lunacy.
Fifteen hundred people
in one dump alone
crawling over rats, looking
for a piss-stained mattress
on the word of some mad old one
for 600 euro?
This country is bollocksed.
I can't believe
they put it in the main news.
Everybody knows that was us.
I always said this family
would be famous.
Yeah, fools for life.
Are you all right?
There weren't any stains
on that mattress.
Come back downstairs.
Everyone's worried about you.
Worried I'm not going
to die soon enough.
And how many milliliters
of milk do we add?
Emma?
Um...
Six hundred?
Are you sure it's not
closer to a million?
Come on.
Hi, Mom.
Come on, say hi to Nan, kids.
- What are you doing?
- Did Colm not tell you?
I'm just going to come home for a bit
while I get a new place organized.
We'll set up in the good room.
You won't even know we're here.
Hi.
Just can't deal with that
bastard bank anymore.
Did you see this?
Yeah.
But did you see this?
It isn't it.
The color's right,
but the pattern is different,
and there's no label
on the side.
It's a different mattress.
What?
Don't tell anyone.
The red pins had
swarms of people
looking through them.
The blue pins are for places
that were closed.
The green ones
don't take bulk waste.
What are yous doing?
Nothing.
Where are yous going?
Nowhere.
Just out for the day.
We should be near it now.
Do you see a sign of any kind?
No, it's more up there.
No, it's here, it's here.
No, it's up there.
No, 'cause we were passing
and then I saw the sign
that said "swords"
and it said like, 12km.
No.
What are you going to do
with the money if we find it?
When we find it.
What are you going to do
with the money when we find it?
What are we going to do with it?
What are we going to do
with the money when we find it?
Spend it.
Hey!
Yous aren't looking
for a mattress, are you?
They already found it.
It was in the papers yesterday.
There was only 600 quid in it.
We'll have to leave
and get a bu...
- Are you paying attention?
- Yeah.
Come on, watch this now.
Okay, so we'll get the bus here.
There you go.
Where have you been?!
Just out for the day.
- Shhhh.
- Don't shush me, Des.
The kids.
Everyone's been
worried sick looking for you both.
We didn't even know if
you two were together.
Well, we were.
Good night.
What the hell were you doing?
Nothing.
Let's just go.
What's this?
Dunno.
It's our map of the dumps.
They found it.
You saw it on the television.
I know what's going on.
Mom's had another senile turn,
and Emma, as usual,
is humoring her.
You're not doing her any favors
by encouraging her.
Come on, you've got school
in the morning.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, that's lovely.
A sure sign you're spending
too much time with Colm.
Look, it's one thing
leading everyone up
the garden path
with this mattress thing
and having the whole country
laughing at us.
But now she's
turned Into a crazy old woman,
rooting around In rubbish tips.
- I mean, enough is enough.
- I'm saving some money
now that I'm not paying
my mortgage any more.
Maybe I could chip in
for a home or something.
We can't put her
in a home, guys.
She's not leaving us
much choice.
Maybe you get a chance
to go live your life again,
but you know all
the mistakes you made
so you can do everything the right way
second time around.
Maybe you get a chance
to live again,
but to do all the things
you really wanted to do...
even if they're
the wrong things.
Maybe you get to go
live your life again
and this time
you know what
everybody else is thinking,
So you know if they're lying,
or if they like you,
or they have some money
hidden in their mattress
and they're not telling you.
Trust me,
you wouldn't want to know
what people are thinking.
It's bad enough what comes out
of their mouths.
Maybe you get sent somewhere
where all the rubbish you ever
threw out is all piled up
and you're stuck there
until you clean it up.
That's where
your granddad is now,
picking fag butts
and whiskey bottles
out of a giant mound
of bookie slips.
Why did you marry him
If he was such a drunk?
He wasn't a drunk
when I married him.
Oh.
Must have been me, huh?
No.
Actually, probably was.
We went down to Kerry
on our honeymoon.
There were barely
even any roads there.
But your granddad
loved the country.
His dad fought in the war
of independence down there.
He was always
telling him stories
about fighting and hiding,
and sitting in pubs through the night
planning ambushes.
I was only complaining
about the rain,
the cold and...
wanting to come home.
But then one day he...
He took me up,
up onto the top of these cliffs
looking out on the Skellig Rock.
It was like the edge
of the world,
with the wind coming in
off the Atlantic.
I could hardly catch my breath.
And he was shouting something
to me over the wind.
And I couldn't hear
what he was saying.
He was probably just saying
it was time to go back, but...
I like to think...
He was saying that he loved me.
I'll miss seeing
what a great character
you turn out to be, Em.
I'm disgusted.
It's like leaving a party
just when it's getting good.
You can't.
Eighty years...
there's no escaping it.
Don't ever do that again... Oh! oh!
- Stop it, I'm serious!
- How much per month?
- Get down from there.
- And that includes the knitting club?
- Yeah, for five days a week.
- Right, yeah yeah.
And it says here
a "gated community."
You do that one more time, you're never
having that drink again, okay?
- She's beginning to wander a bit.
- Right, give me that.
- Okay, I'll come back to you on that.
- Give it to me, will you?
Okay.
Stop that.
You are in big trouble.
You are in big trouble,
Young... oh!
Young lady.
Will you get down
from the table? Oh!
Get down from the table.
Get down from the table now!
Maybe you didn't save up
all that money
and the mattress
they found was yours.
Did you ever even consider that?
I'm senile, is that it?
No, just...
Maybe you made a mistake.
In which case, at least we didn't
throw out a million quid.
Go home.
I'm not in the mood
for babysitting you.
Could you let us off here?
Yeah, no problem.
Look, I'm not in the mood
for wind-ups.
It's past a joke.
Colm!
You got it, you got it!
You got it!
You got it, ha ha ha!
Whoa.
Hiya.
What?
What?!
Go harder!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, mind, Colm!
- Stop!
- Got you.
Ah, no.
Mom.
Mom?
There's some people at the door.
They said they want
to speak to you.
What?
Stop it!
- Okay, come on.
- Mommy, I want to play with it.
Stop!
Surprise!
Whoo-hoo!
What's wrong, Mom?
You're not happy?
There isn't really
a million euros in it.
I just said that so yous'd
take me seriously.
It's more like...
a few hundred thousand.
Better than a slap in the face
with a wet fish!
Out of the way.
The mattress has landed.
Pull it up there.
Annie, don't...
Where did you get it?
Colm found it.
Well done, son.
Come on.
- Who's going for champagne?
- Way ahead of you.
Three bottles of the Bollinger,
coming up!
Guys, it's Mom's money.
You can't start spending it.
Oh stop, will you?
It's a drop in the ocean.
That's exactly the reason
she didn't tell us in the first place.
That's not the reason at all.
She was just keeping it
as a surprise.
Isn't that right, Mom?
Oh my God,
yous are unbelievable.
Shut up you, will you?
Can we not have 10 minutes
of fun without you
judging us all the time?
Don't tell me to shut up, Colm.
Spare me, Margaret.
You're coming in here,
you think you're that much
above everyone else.
It's not your money to spend.
You just became the financial
regulator for the family?
One of us has to be, but in this case
I'll make an exception.
- Go get the champagne.
- Did you hear that, lads?
Get it quick before
she changes her mind.
Let's celebrate!
Whoo-hoo!
- Emma, you don't get
to ask that question
at 13 years of age.
You have duties, live with it.
Why do I have to go
before and after school?
Yeah, why does
she have to go before and after?
Because Mom is 79 and not
quite the full shilling anymore.
Whoops!
Calculator in the corn flakes.
God, just bring her her bloody paper
and milk and stop moaning
about it, will ya?
Once I get some
new stock I'll be fine.
- The problem's just cash flow.
- Just get it from the bank.
They're not lending.
You can't all go on borrowing
money from me indefinitely.
Mmm, from us indefinitely.
From me indefinitely.
- Mom!
- What?
I don't have time to make
you gourmet lunches, Emma.
This is embarrassing.
Just take a bite of the banana
and then a bite of the bread.
That's what we used to have.
- You tell her.
- Last time, I promise.
And what happens when
you can't pay me back?
I'll pay you back.
I'll have to give you a check.
- What?
- She's old and weird
and only ever wants
to argue about things.
Can't argue with that.
Thanks, sis, you're a lifesaver.
Your mom is well able
to look after herself.
She could come and live
with us instead.
Do as your mother tells you.
No.
Thank you, dear.
You're welcome.
Mom!
Mom!
Come on, Mom, will you help?
Ask her where's my birth cert.
What's he looking for now?
- Birth cert.
- Where did you put it?
I mean it's not like
they don't know who I am.
I've been going down there
for nearly twenty years.
I collect once a week.
I sign on once a month.
I mean, they have my signature.
They have my picture!
And what the hell is
an annual review?
They never used to have
annual reviews.
How can you live
in this chaos, Mom?
Tell him to take his time
and he'll find it.
I mean, who uses a birth cert
for anything anymore anyway?
I'm gonna be late.
They're gonna make me do
a whole new application.
Then they're going to start
trying to train me to do things.
Come on, where did you put it?
- You put everything...
- He's not used to being up this early.
Come on, Mom, will you help?
I'm gonna lose me welfare!
Did you put it in a drawer?
Will you help me?!
Mom!
Des?
- No job?
- Don't tell Mom.
Don't mind her.
If she'd listened to us and sold
the house during the boom
we'd all be in the south
of France by now.
- Hiya.
- Not you too?
They cut me down to two days
at the groomers.
Don't tell Mom.
Here, go on, will ya?
- Huh?
- You're next.
Relax, I'm talking here.
Just get a move on,
ya bleedin' culchie.
I'm not a culchie.
Nan?
Nan?
Nan?
Nan!
Huh?
Eight bags, that's the lot.
Emma?
Check that this is on right.
A hundred and sixty, there,
please, Annie.
They're safe enough there, love.
Night, girls.
Jesus!
It's colder than
a Norwegian's tit.
- Oh, lovely, Colm.
- What?
Did you put your rent
in the jar?
Yes, I did.
I don't know what you
need money for, anyway.
I need you to do us a favor.
Take Nan for a day out
somewhere.
Okay?
Why?
You can't tell her.
Fine.
I'm going to clean up the house.
Does my mom know about it?
I'm going to get her to help me.
I just need to know
we have our decoy first.
- Fifty.
- Are you fucking serious?
Take it or leave it.
Get her out early and back late.
And don't let on now.
Can I not just want
to hang out with my granny?
I've been on the dart before.
Your granddad took me
out to Bray
when they opened the line.
Nineteen eighty-four.
Anything from the last century
doesn't count.
Will I be back in time
for Joe Duffy?
I dunno. Is he coming
to the house?
On the radio.
- Two o'clock.
- We definitely won't be back.
Are you cold?
No, I'm all right.
But you're a bit cold,
aren't you?
I'm grand.
Just say you're cold.
But I'm not.
- Just say it.
- I'm freezing.
Don't worry.
I have just the thing for you.
What do you think
happens to you when you die?
I don't think anything happens.
Maybe coming back to life
as someone else,
like the president
or some famous singer.
Or a handicap
or a homeless person.
No.
Or you come back as Colm.
Aw, wreck the head.
Something better
than you are now.
No such thing.
Okay.
Me...
except... I'm younger
- and I can fly.
- Seriously.
It's not a conversation
to be taken seriously.
Reincarnation is serious.
A lot of people believe in it.
More wishful thinking.
Surprise!
It's not my birthday
until next week.
Special treat, Mom,
ahead of your birthday...
full house makeover.
What?
Everything of worth or
sentimental value has been cleaned.
Everything else has been repaired,
replaced or upgraded.
Fresh as a daisy.
New toaster, new kettle.
I cleaned the cooker.
New digital TV service...
No more crappy picture quality
and you can record on it.
It's like watching it back live.
And, drumroll please...
Whoa-aaa!
Giant basket for your wool!
Oh, look.
We put these
all around the house.
Keep the old-folk stink away.
Come on, Mom.
New table.
And you can see yourself
in the mirror now.
Where's everything gone?
Three hundred and eighty-six
true crime novels,
forty-six phone books,
twenty-two years of newspapers.
Calendars, birthday and Christmas cards,
knitting patterns.
Seven million Chinese
take-away menus.
Eight million bus tickets.
School books, first year
leaving certificate, 1954-1996.
All sorts of other junk, too.
All gone to recycling.
Come on.
Ta-dah!
New shower curtains.
Handles in the bath.
- Oof!
- Oh, here.
We cleared out some of
the old furniture in my room.
Oh, some nice
improvements in there.
In case you ever wanted
to rent it out or whatever.
You planning on moving out?
No plan, no, but just in case.
Keep your eyes closed, okay.
Annie, you get the lights.
Straight across, okay.
Don't open your eyes, Mom,
wait for the big finale.
Wait... okay.
Ta-dah!
New curtains, new carpet.
Best of all, no more
smelly old mattress.
Brand-new bed,
lkea's finest,
memory foam, orthopedic.
Best night's kip ever.
We both got one.
Where's the old one?
Oh, yeah. We cleared out all
the crap from under the bed.
You can see right through
to the other side.
Have a look!
Much better feng shui!
Where's it gone?
Mom, you don't have
to worry about it,
- that's the point.
- Where is it?
Why do you want to know?
Because all my money was in it.
Are you sure?
Yes, Colm, I'm sure.
How much?
Nearly a million.
I tell you what, Mom,
you can still nail a punch line.
Yeah, me small wit.
A million bedbugs.
A million euros.
Ah, pull the other one,
would you?
How would you get
a million euro?
Selling off the garage
at the end of the garden,
rent from the basement flat,
my inheritance,
whatever your dad didn't drink,
savings from teaching
and my pension.
Not quite a million,
but fifty year's savings
adds up.
If you did have the money, Mom,
why didn't you put it
in the bank?
Have you not been listening
to the news?
It was safe here.
You could hold it in your hands.
I didn't know you idiots were going
to come along and throw it out.
You don't think
she's serious, do you?
She looked very serious to me.
It went out the front
with the rest, didn't it?
- Yeah. Did the charity take it?
- No.
How can you be so sure?
They don't take beds or bedding.
- So it's gone to the dump?
- Well, what did it look like?
- What color was it?
- What did it look like, Mom?
- It was blue.
- It was cream and blue...
with the letters A-Q-P
printed on it.
It went out
with everything else.
Who was the van driver?
Just a lad I know.
He drinks up in the hill.
- Ring him.
- I don't have his number.
Oh Jesus, Colm, you and your
bloody schemes.
I told you to organize
a professional waste service.
Wait a minute.
Whoever we gave it to would
have taken it away the same.
In fact, if they were professional,
it would already
be incinerated by now.
The guy I got to do it is
probably up in the pub
with everything still sitting
in the back of his van.
Where are we going?
Come on, come on.
Where are we going?
What about Nan?
- I'll take her.
- Come on.
Come on.
To be honest, I'm not sure
I believe any of this.
I mean, you must have changed
your mattress over all those years.
Four times.
When the euro came in,
I took pounds to the bank
every day for six months.
And when were you
going to tell us
about these extensive savings?
I wasn't going to tell you.
It must be a wind-up.
Maybe she's in shock after we
threw out all her junk.
Can you actually imagine
if there was a million
euro in it? Ha.
Jim? Arthur in?
Yeah, he's sitting there.
See if we can grab his keys
from on the bar.
- Was he there?
- No.
Might have gone out for a smoke.
Didn't see him outside.
Jeez, that's brutal, isn't it?
- Three-nil.
- Yeah.
Give us a packet of them crisps
there, will you, Jim?
What do you want Arthur for?
Nothing.
Just looking for him.
Aw, fuck it, Jim.
Bollocks!
What the hell are you doing?
- Get out of that van.
- Sorry, Arthur.
We threw out something
that Mother wanted to keep.
We thought you might
still have it in the van.
You'd want to wise up.
Sorry.
Where did you dump it?
Aw, come on, man.
I apologized, okay?
Gimme me keys.
Where did you offload it?
The recycling depot
in Ring's End.
Okay.
Okay, great.
Thanks, Arthur.
Cheers.
I'll make it up to you!
I'll buy you a pint, right?
- Should we climb over?
- What if there's a guard dog?
Why would they be guarding
a load of rubbish?
It's worth a lot.
You'd be surprised.
They sell it to the Chinese.
I wonder how much
they pay for old mattresses.
Well, are we going
to do something or what?
- I'm not getting over that.
- Needn't bother.
Everything's cleared. They must
have already sent it on.
Where, Colm, to where
have they sent it?
Some sort
of sorting facility I suppose.
You suppose.
I'll go in and talk
to them in the morning.
- Monday morning.
- It's a bank holiday.
Tuesday morning.
Don't worry,
Colm will find it on Tuesday.
Colm is sick.
He couldn't find
a wife or a job.
How's he going to find
my life savings?
All right, go on!
- He will.
- Mmm.
Oh, oh!
- God help me!
- I'll hold you.
Get your hands off me arse.
- Do you want help or not?
- Bollocks!
I hate Sundays.
Why do you want it back?
It's got sentimental value.
Dad used to sleep
on it with her.
Oh.
Happy memories, huh?
Just let it go, love.
It'll be filthy by now.
It'll be no use to you.
Yeah, she's superstitious, too.
Probably easiest
just to find it.
Oh.
Well, if you put it
in the right container,
It's probably gone to landfill
via the depot by now.
People put mattresses
all over the shop here.
Rubble, timber,
damaged furniture,
pre-loved furniture.
Reusable.
Either way it's probably
gone to the landfill.
I thought this was
a recycling center.
It's practically impossible
to recycle a mattress.
They're indestructible yokes.
You put them in the shredder...
and they're likely to pop out
the other side intact.
The pickarinos try to get the steel
out of the springs sometimes,
but it's just not
worth the effort.
Well, where the hell
do we start?
Gerry!
If it did go to the landfill,
how would we find it?
- Jump up and down.
- Pardon?
Well, you wouldn't
be able to see it
'cause they cover everything up
really quick.
Unless they leave the corner
sticking up or something.
But you can usually
tell by the feel of it
there's a mattress in
the ground 'cause it's soft, springy.
Starts right over there.
Just gotta go in.
There's this whole section here.
That's all fresh stuff
just coming in now.
So, see,
if we go up to the office...
Lift up that brown one.
- We're trying to lift it.
- Just push it.
Yeah.
Fuck off.
Whoo!
Trick or treat!
Awww!
Arrrgh!
What are you looking at?
What are you doing?
Where's that county map?
I'm going to start
looking up landfills.
Some kids just robbed
the shed out of the garden.
Let them have it.
We never used it
for anything anyway.
Look, I know the scene.
There is probably about a hundred
of the little fuckers.
I'm not going to go after them,
take it off them,
then try and drag it back up
the street and over the wall,
with them all chucking stones
at me and calling me names.
Just let them do
their gathering.
Stop!
Wait a second, you!
Guys?
Stop!
Hey! Hey! Hey, did yous take
a blue mattress from outside?
Shut up, you!
Look, come here, I don't
care about the shed.
Did you take a mattress
from down outside?
Do you want a dig
in the head, do you?
Come on, lads.
Come on, lads!
Come on, boys!
Quick! Quick! Quick!
Here. Did you see anyone
put a mattress in there?
Here, take your hands off him!
Mary, some fuckin' weirdo's
at your son.
No, no, no.
Mary!
Look here, mister.
I'll knock the bollocks off you!
You pedo!
I'll tear strips off you
and feed them to the dog!
It either went in the fire
or went in the recycling.
Unless that fella in the pub
didn't send it to the recycling.
What?
If he was lying.
About what?
Sending it to the recycling.
And why'd you think that?
Well, you could sort
of tell, couldn't you?
Well, why didn't
you say anything?
You never listen to me anyway.
Jesus.
Annie, I'm borrowing the car.
I'll drop it back to you later.
I've got the keys.
Eh, come on, get in.
Ah, for flip sake, a ball.
Here, hold that.
Go on, you get in.
You didn't go to the recycling
center at all, did you?
Tread lightly, Colm.
How much do they
charge for a van?
Colm, you gave me 60 quid
to get rid of it for you.
That doesn't buy you the right to ask
how I can make that profitable.
I'll give you another 20 if you
tell me where you dumped it.
What do you want
to know so much for?
Because the thing's
had sentimental value.
It just looked like
old rubbish to me.
Fifty.
You're showing
your hand now, Colm.
How much do you want
to tell us where it is?
Well, that's a big question,
me dear.
I think maybe
knowing Colm as I do,
he wouldn't be this motivated
to look for something
just because his poor old Mommy
had some sentimental attachment.
I'd say you've thrown out
something of monetary value.
A ring maybe, in a drawer?
An antique?
And you're willing to pay up
to nearly that value
as long as it's still an oyster
laying there for you.
So, until you tell me
what's up there,
I can't give you
a price now, can I?
- Up where?
- Tsk, tsk, tsk!
Why don't you think
about what your price is
and we'll call you
in the morning.
Hold on a second,
he's just taking...
Shut up, Colm.
Okay?
Yeah.
Call me in the morning
and we'll work it out.
I'm going to call you
at 10:00 in the morning, Arthur.
You better answer.
What the hell are you doing?
You totally let him off the hook.
Oh, Jesus, Colm, can you
not do anything right?
You should stay out of it.
I could have done
a deal with him.
Huh. You have
your dad's brains.
That's the best
I can say about you.
I think I'll keep the car
till the morning, will I?
I don't fancy walking home
from Annie's now.
- We're not going home.
- We're not?
Do you see that white van?
Yes, I see the white van.
I see that van in my sleep.
I'm fecking haunted
by that white van.
Follow it.
Mom, you're a genius.
How did you crack that?
After so many years,
I've gotten to know
how opportunistic chancers
like that think.
Like Colm.
Where the hell's he going?
Lovely friends you have, Colm.
This is where you go to bury a body,
not dump old furniture.
I hate Halloween.
We have him now.
The dirty, lying head
on you, Arthur.
People are going
to hear about this.
Relax, will you?
I was just worried somebody
might have overheard
us in the pub.
How would ya know where to look?
Eh, everybody dumps shit
along this stretch.
There were a load of gypos
made a mess of it.
It's not here.
So it's a mattress you're after?
Where's the fucking
mattress, Arthur? It's not here.
What?
Was there something in it?
- Money?
- Where did you put it?
I threw everything out here,
yours and another load.
Definitely some mattresses in it,
but it's all been moved around.
Maybe the gypos were
rootin' through it,
or the corpo took it.
They'll be up in the morning,
we should ask them.
How much was in it?
Arthur, if you ask me that again
I'm going to punch you
in the face.
Do you believe in hell?
I do.
It's living with Colm.
That's a fucking
bed bottom, sure.
What are you doing?
Can you even drive?
Oh, I drove your
granddad's car a few times...
on Dollymount Strand.
Take that, Colm, you dope!
Hi, Mom!
- Hi, Mom.
- Say hi, everyone.
- Hello!
- Hello!
Oh, look, there's Michael.
I don't think I've ever seen
those gloves on him before.
And here is Colm,
lifting... lifting a box!
- It's a box of wool.
- It happens to be heavy.
It's a heavy box of wool!
You're not supposed to be
lifting anything. Here.
Jesus, Colm!
Don't just feck it into the box!
You're supposed to wrap
and pack, wrap and pack.
Oh, it's a teasmade!
Oh, Jesus!
- Your side now, Des.
- Yeah.
- Easy. Easy!
- Sorry about that.
You're not directing it, you're
either helping or you're not.
- I'm helping!
- Oh, come on.
Oh, for fuck sake, seriously,
what are you doing?
Just checking me teeth.
Cleaning your teeth?
Yeah, no, I...
Yeah, I understand that,
but how many mattresses
can you get in a day?
And do you recycle?
Hi, uh, just wait a sec.
What's the area that you cover?
Mom, do you have money
for the pizzas?
- I never ordered pizzas.
- Colm did.
- Well, let Colm pay for them.
- He's on the phone, I think.
- He'll be down for you in a minute.
- Okay.
He gave me
50 percent off vouchers.
He said get one of yous
to pay for the other half.
The other half?
Cheeky bollocks.
What are yous doing?
We're just...
Planning something.
What is it, a treasure hunt?
Excuse me.
It's a family matter, okay?
Can you wait out
in the hall, please?
Yeah, okay.
Sorry.
Jesus.
Hello?
We're going to have to start
being more discreet about this.
- Shush!
- Don't shush me, Michael.
I thought
it might have been burnt,
but I went around this morning
and there's no sign
of any mattress springs
or anything,
so it's out there somewhere.
- What's he doing?
- Colm, can you...
Dublin Corporation said
they might have cleared it
to landfill,
but it's impossible to know.
So, it's a blue mattress?
Yes, Joe, cream and blue,
and we'll pay a reward
of 50,000 euro to anyone
who can help us find it.
- Colm, hang up the phone!
- Colm!
- Hang up the phone!
- Hello?
Colm, are you still with us there?
We seem to have lost Colm.
Hello, Colm? He's gone.
It was the best idea
any of us have had.
Why don't you ask someone before
you do these things, Colm?
It's all of our money in that
mattress, it's not just yours.
- Idiot.
- Don't call me an idiot.
Oh God, would you
listen to this?
Why would I give
this fella back that money
for 50 grand when
I could just keep the lot?
If it's in the tip,
it's finders keepers.
Ah, now just hang on
for two secs.
This is his elderly mother's
life savings we're talking about.
You wouldn't just keep them
for yourself, would you?
She didn't find it necessary
to spend it before now.
What's changed?
I've been out of work
for nearly two year, Joe.
I've got two kids to feed,
me wife's on disability
and I've got a gas bill
that's going through the roof.
A million euro for putting
a peg on me nose?
Yes, please.
Des says there's only six landfills
that it could be in.
So if we do one a day,
do them well,
worst case scenario is
we'll have it in a week.
It's better that
you're here, Mom.
You know what it looks like
on a subconscious level.
You'll probably see it out of
the corner of your eye.
I think you should have to
search these places by yourself
for being such a dope.
You're some cheeky little wagon,
do you know that?
I mean, where do you get off calling
me a dope at 12 years of age?
She's 13.
Don't talk to her like that.
Thirteen and she thinks
she knows everything.
God, this looks busy.
Shit.
Bollocks.
That mattress has my name on it.
I'm not going home
until I find that money.
There he is now. Ah.
Buy him an old pint there,
Jim, will you?
Sure didn't he
throw it all away.
Give us your autograph
on that, will you?
Around a million euro.
What?
Why didn't you
check the mattress?
Um, what if someone robbed it?
We've all been following
the story this week
of the missing mattress with
a million euros stashed in it.
People up and down the country
have been eagerly searching
their local dumps
in hope of finding
Mrs. Annie Small's loot.
Annie's been good enough
to join us
in The Late Late Show
audience tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Annie.
It's also a big week
for you birthday-wise.
What age are you going
to be tomorrow?
I'm going to be 80.
Well, the good news
you'll be delighted to hear
is that in a poll
on the R.T.E. website
ninety-one percent of people said
that if they found the mattress
they'd settle for the reward
and give the rest back.
Hey, pizza guy!
Come in, have a beer.
Don't be shy.
- Close the door.
- What's that?
Open it, Mom.
- Huh?
- It's a wool winder.
Hurry up, he's here.
Yeah, okay, I'm coming,
I'm coming.
Forty-fifth... Oh, jeez.
One, two, three, four...
You look lovely, Mom.
Well, you gave me a little bit
of notice this time.
Yeah, we didn't think you
needed any more surprises.
Where is the fire?
I hear there is
a smoking-hot lady in here
in need of a good hose.
Over here!
Oh, yeah!
Come here, Annie.
Mmm, you dirty little minx.
- Ahhh!
- Oh, Jesus.
Ahhh!
- Whoo!
- Look at.
Whoo, yeah.
Whoo whoo whoo!
Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Ahh. Ohh.
Oh, Jesus.
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Mom
Happy birthday to you
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Fire safety first.
That's a lot of candles, love.
Mind your hair now. We don't want
to torch the blue rinse.
No! No, no, no, no!
Hey, come on. I don't take off
my clothes for free.
- Yeah, we need to get paid, man.
- Everybody throw in.
- I don't have anything.
- Seriously?
I made the cake.
- I bought the beer.
- I put up the decorations.
- I made you a good show?
- Yeah, you were deadly.
Don't eat any more cake, love.
You'll be sick.
Margaret, can you chip in
to pay these guys?
Yeah, of course.
- How much are you short?
- 350.
Are you serious?!
When are yous gonna grow up?
Take it out of the mattress
when we get it back.
Oh, I will, thanks, Colm, yeah.
I don't have 350.
I'll have to write you a check.
- What?
- Nan wants you.
- For what?
- The lotto.
- What day is it?
- Wednesday.
Oh, shite.
I never got a ticket.
- What's the jackpot?
- Four and a half million.
- Oh, shite.
- Nan got tickets.
- Did she?
- Yeah.
It's on now.
Oh ho ho, if you're not in,
you can't win.
I can't believe
you didn't get me one.
I always get you one.
Good evening, everyone.
I'm Ella...
Sorry. Here,
you can have this one.
No, go on.
It's yours.
Well, if we win, we'll split it.
Not at all.
I had a dream we won.
Did you?
Yeah, with these numbers.
When I woke up
I wrote them out and...
Okay, ho ho, shush shush.
It's coming on.
So check those tickets carefully,
and the best of luck to all of you.
Jesus, she's gorgeous,
isn't she?
The first ball
in tonight's lotto is number 20.
- Any luck there, Mom?
- I don't think so.
- No.
- ...number 23.
No, wait.
- I got them.
- ...and we have number 14.
- Both of them?
- I have 14, too.
You got three numbers?
You got three numbers!
...followed by number one.
And one!
You got four numbers, Mom!
You got four numbers!
Oh, shush shush shush.
What did she say?
- What did she say?
- 16.
We have five numbers!
That's about a quarter
of a million!
We just need one more.
Come on, the six numbers!
And the sixth ball is number 25.
And the bonus ball is number 20.
Whoo whoo!
Mom!
Mom, you fucking did it!
You fucking did it!
Oh, Ella, I knew you'd have
something good for me.
Tonight's winning numbers...
Hold on, hold on.
Double check.
Double check.
Whoo! I knew!
I knew we wouldn't be poor forever!
I told you!
Are you sure you got them right?
Yeah!
I checked them twice.
- We have them all.
- What do you mean "we"?
I thought you said
the ticket was mine
and that you wouldn't split it?
Huh?
Well, if it's yours,
you're going to have to share it
with the rest of them.
It's me and you, Mommy.
The lotto's always
been me and you.
Are you sure
you got the numbers?
- Huh?
- Maybe you should watch it again.
Watch it again just to be sure.
And now let's play lotto...
It's good, isn't it?
Digital television,
just like watching it live.
You were recording it?
Oh yeah, we recorded this
ages ago.
"I knew. I knew we wouldn't
be poor forever!"
It was last week's draw,
you dummy.
So we didn't win?
We bought a ticket with numbers
from last week's draw,
just to wind you up.
All I want is to be allowed to live
with a little bit of dignity.
That's funny, is it?
To want socks
with no holes in them,
money to get a little car,
and not to have to live
with my mother all my life
with everyone laughing at me.
Yous are a shower of bastards.
And coming up after the break,
cash-strapped locals in Kildare
find the missing mattress
everyone's been looking for,
and how Waterford hurlers
are preparing for Sunday's...
They found it.
They found it in Kildare!
You stupid.
The infamous mattress containing
the missing life savings
of 79-year-old retired
schoolteacher Annie Small
was discovered here at the Ballybeg
waste processing center
outside of Celbridge.
Local man Graham Gaffney
was surprised to find
the sum of money
hidden inside the mattress was not
quite as substantial as many
had been led to believe.
Graham, what exactly
did you find?
When I saw the first few notes
I knew straightaway
that was it.
And, uh...
I was dancing, Joe.
And two of the other lads
helped me drag it down
into the yard.
I offered them 10 grand each
for their trouble like, you know?
And we cut it up and...
let me put it to you this way:
There wasn't 20 grand there
for the lads like, far from it.
How much did you get, Graham?
670 euros,
mostly in fivers.
And are you
disappointed, Graham?
Well, I did see her on The Late
Late Show with me own eyes
and she did say a million,
so I felt a bit cheated,
to be honest with you.
But 670 euros
are not bad for a day's work
in the tip.
Better than a slap in the face
with a wet fish.
There was at least 900,000 euros
In that mattress.
Aw, for God's sake.
Give it up, will you?
- I know what I had.
- You saved up 600 quid.
And you know what?
Well done.
- That's more than I ever saved.
- I know what I had.
You don't remember things
perfectly anymore.
That's life.
Nobody's angry at you.
Why should anybody
be angry at me?
You're the feckin' idiot
who threw all my stuff out!
Aw, Jesus. Turn it on me,
why don't you?
Do you understand you've had us
all on a wild goose chase?
The whole country.
Don't you say
one more word to me, Colm.
It's on the radio too.
You get to an age
where all you want to believe
is the world still cares about you.
Tell me if I'm wrong, Adrian.
And didn't she hit the jackpot with
this one, the attention she got?
I mean the lunacy.
Fifteen hundred people
in one dump alone
crawling over rats, looking
for a piss-stained mattress
on the word of some mad old one
for 600 euro?
This country is bollocksed.
I can't believe
they put it in the main news.
Everybody knows that was us.
I always said this family
would be famous.
Yeah, fools for life.
Are you all right?
There weren't any stains
on that mattress.
Come back downstairs.
Everyone's worried about you.
Worried I'm not going
to die soon enough.
And how many milliliters
of milk do we add?
Emma?
Um...
Six hundred?
Are you sure it's not
closer to a million?
Come on.
Hi, Mom.
Come on, say hi to Nan, kids.
- What are you doing?
- Did Colm not tell you?
I'm just going to come home for a bit
while I get a new place organized.
We'll set up in the good room.
You won't even know we're here.
Hi.
Just can't deal with that
bastard bank anymore.
Did you see this?
Yeah.
But did you see this?
It isn't it.
The color's right,
but the pattern is different,
and there's no label
on the side.
It's a different mattress.
What?
Don't tell anyone.
The red pins had
swarms of people
looking through them.
The blue pins are for places
that were closed.
The green ones
don't take bulk waste.
What are yous doing?
Nothing.
Where are yous going?
Nowhere.
Just out for the day.
We should be near it now.
Do you see a sign of any kind?
No, it's more up there.
No, it's here, it's here.
No, it's up there.
No, 'cause we were passing
and then I saw the sign
that said "swords"
and it said like, 12km.
No.
What are you going to do
with the money if we find it?
When we find it.
What are you going to do
with the money when we find it?
What are we going to do with it?
What are we going to do
with the money when we find it?
Spend it.
Hey!
Yous aren't looking
for a mattress, are you?
They already found it.
It was in the papers yesterday.
There was only 600 quid in it.
We'll have to leave
and get a bu...
- Are you paying attention?
- Yeah.
Come on, watch this now.
Okay, so we'll get the bus here.
There you go.
Where have you been?!
Just out for the day.
- Shhhh.
- Don't shush me, Des.
The kids.
Everyone's been
worried sick looking for you both.
We didn't even know if
you two were together.
Well, we were.
Good night.
What the hell were you doing?
Nothing.
Let's just go.
What's this?
Dunno.
It's our map of the dumps.
They found it.
You saw it on the television.
I know what's going on.
Mom's had another senile turn,
and Emma, as usual,
is humoring her.
You're not doing her any favors
by encouraging her.
Come on, you've got school
in the morning.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, that's lovely.
A sure sign you're spending
too much time with Colm.
Look, it's one thing
leading everyone up
the garden path
with this mattress thing
and having the whole country
laughing at us.
But now she's
turned Into a crazy old woman,
rooting around In rubbish tips.
- I mean, enough is enough.
- I'm saving some money
now that I'm not paying
my mortgage any more.
Maybe I could chip in
for a home or something.
We can't put her
in a home, guys.
She's not leaving us
much choice.
Maybe you get a chance
to go live your life again,
but you know all
the mistakes you made
so you can do everything the right way
second time around.
Maybe you get a chance
to live again,
but to do all the things
you really wanted to do...
even if they're
the wrong things.
Maybe you get to go
live your life again
and this time
you know what
everybody else is thinking,
So you know if they're lying,
or if they like you,
or they have some money
hidden in their mattress
and they're not telling you.
Trust me,
you wouldn't want to know
what people are thinking.
It's bad enough what comes out
of their mouths.
Maybe you get sent somewhere
where all the rubbish you ever
threw out is all piled up
and you're stuck there
until you clean it up.
That's where
your granddad is now,
picking fag butts
and whiskey bottles
out of a giant mound
of bookie slips.
Why did you marry him
If he was such a drunk?
He wasn't a drunk
when I married him.
Oh.
Must have been me, huh?
No.
Actually, probably was.
We went down to Kerry
on our honeymoon.
There were barely
even any roads there.
But your granddad
loved the country.
His dad fought in the war
of independence down there.
He was always
telling him stories
about fighting and hiding,
and sitting in pubs through the night
planning ambushes.
I was only complaining
about the rain,
the cold and...
wanting to come home.
But then one day he...
He took me up,
up onto the top of these cliffs
looking out on the Skellig Rock.
It was like the edge
of the world,
with the wind coming in
off the Atlantic.
I could hardly catch my breath.
And he was shouting something
to me over the wind.
And I couldn't hear
what he was saying.
He was probably just saying
it was time to go back, but...
I like to think...
He was saying that he loved me.
I'll miss seeing
what a great character
you turn out to be, Em.
I'm disgusted.
It's like leaving a party
just when it's getting good.
You can't.
Eighty years...
there's no escaping it.
Don't ever do that again... Oh! oh!
- Stop it, I'm serious!
- How much per month?
- Get down from there.
- And that includes the knitting club?
- Yeah, for five days a week.
- Right, yeah yeah.
And it says here
a "gated community."
You do that one more time, you're never
having that drink again, okay?
- She's beginning to wander a bit.
- Right, give me that.
- Okay, I'll come back to you on that.
- Give it to me, will you?
Okay.
Stop that.
You are in big trouble.
You are in big trouble,
Young... oh!
Young lady.
Will you get down
from the table? Oh!
Get down from the table.
Get down from the table now!
Maybe you didn't save up
all that money
and the mattress
they found was yours.
Did you ever even consider that?
I'm senile, is that it?
No, just...
Maybe you made a mistake.
In which case, at least we didn't
throw out a million quid.
Go home.
I'm not in the mood
for babysitting you.
Could you let us off here?
Yeah, no problem.
Look, I'm not in the mood
for wind-ups.
It's past a joke.
Colm!
You got it, you got it!
You got it!
You got it, ha ha ha!
Whoa.
Hiya.
What?
What?!
Go harder!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, mind, Colm!
- Stop!
- Got you.
Ah, no.
Mom.
Mom?
There's some people at the door.
They said they want
to speak to you.
What?
Stop it!
- Okay, come on.
- Mommy, I want to play with it.
Stop!
Surprise!
Whoo-hoo!
What's wrong, Mom?
You're not happy?
There isn't really
a million euros in it.
I just said that so yous'd
take me seriously.
It's more like...
a few hundred thousand.
Better than a slap in the face
with a wet fish!
Out of the way.
The mattress has landed.
Pull it up there.
Annie, don't...
Where did you get it?
Colm found it.
Well done, son.
Come on.
- Who's going for champagne?
- Way ahead of you.
Three bottles of the Bollinger,
coming up!
Guys, it's Mom's money.
You can't start spending it.
Oh stop, will you?
It's a drop in the ocean.
That's exactly the reason
she didn't tell us in the first place.
That's not the reason at all.
She was just keeping it
as a surprise.
Isn't that right, Mom?
Oh my God,
yous are unbelievable.
Shut up you, will you?
Can we not have 10 minutes
of fun without you
judging us all the time?
Don't tell me to shut up, Colm.
Spare me, Margaret.
You're coming in here,
you think you're that much
above everyone else.
It's not your money to spend.
You just became the financial
regulator for the family?
One of us has to be, but in this case
I'll make an exception.
- Go get the champagne.
- Did you hear that, lads?
Get it quick before
she changes her mind.
Let's celebrate!
Whoo-hoo!