Lightbulb (2009) Movie Script

~ Ingenious (2009) ~
"Lightbulb" (original title)
Yes, now, you
pick out the collar.
You tell me which
one you want.
Which one? Which one?
I don't know if there's anything
here I could possibly use.
Mr. Webber?
Matt Reeder,
International Gifts.
Oh, right, right.
Yeah, how are you doing?
He's not
talking today.
You know, why don't you...
why don't you wait back in the stockroom.
Thank you.
Anything with fur?
- Ooh.
- That's gonna' hurt.
Is he a member?
I have a question for you.
Being an employee here, do you
get to play a lot of golf?
Yeah, that's
why I work here.
What's your handicap?
Me, too!
No, really?
Well, six-pack.
I'm a really good drinker.
That's corny.
I know, that's terrible.
What do you say we...
we hit some balls sometime?
I'll drive the cart around.
I can watch your stroke.
Uhh, Preston.
How are you, buddy?
You've got a great smile, man.
You must have a
good dental planner.
Sam Schooler.
How are you?
So, what do you got?
Now, the unique feature
of The Dreaming Dog Watch,
Mr. Webber, is the animation.
As the seconds tick by,
you can actually see what the dog
is dreaming about.
I'll be darned!
It's clever.
And if you look, you'll notice
the... all the animation.
We call it
The Frustrated Golfer's Watch.
And you can see all the
curse symbols after you get
a little back slice.
You know what I mean?
We've all been there.
I know I have.
It's priced right.
What rates you got?
n is just the
one for the moment.
But we are..
Oh, no, you see, Matt,
my customers would buy this
watch like crazy, okay?
Provided you had
their dog on it.
Oh, hold on.
Call me crazy,
maybe it's just me,
but aren't all your
members golfers?
Uhh, yeah.
And they all wear
watches, don't they?
Yeah, just
not novelty watches.
Ahh, gotcha'.
More of a Rolex crowd.
A lady with a Yorkie
is not going to buy a watch,
as cute as it is,
with a Lab on it.
Well, I know
what you mean...
You gotta' get
all the breeds, all right?
Yeah, see, I like to follow
the customer what they want.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I gotta' go.
Careful now.
He jumps.
You're going to tell
me that this isn't quality?
That's exactly what I'm saying.
And I'm also saying that you,
you need to pick up
a book on salesmanship.
Yeah, well,
I wrote that book, buddy!
I see you're still at it.
First time I ever
double-crossed the governor.
What can I do for you?
You mind if I sat down?
There's been a lamp burning
in the window for you honey,
go ahead.
Oh, I jumped out that window
a long time ago...
You can hit your
head against the wall,
try every angle,
rack your brain,
and then one day, out of
the blue, you get an idea.
The big idea.
The one you've
been waiting for.
A chance to win.
I'm going to go to bed, honey.
I've got a six o'clock flight.
Being with Gina made me
want to do anything to win.
- Well, I can appreciate that, sir...
- I'm not here!
...but our accountant
has been super busy.
Mr. Bederman.
No, he's in a meeting.
Yes, sir.
All right.
It's here!
Brenda, you get a raise.
Ooh, is that it?
Yeah, Okay.
Where's Brenda?
Where's she at?
Hold my calls!
I always wanted to sell a million
of something. Let's see this!
I babied this one.
Calling Hong Kong all night,
faxing diagrams...
- ...back and forth.
- Come on, cut the shit!
Let's do this!
Let me see it!
And now, The
Lucky Lottery Watch.
Lottery Watch?
That's beautiful!
Six winning numbers.
Wait, is it
different every time?
Totally random.
Wow, It's amazing, man
Imagine how many places we're
going to sell that bad boy!
First of all, everyone
who sells a lottery ticket.
Chain stores,
department stores.
- Vegas!
- Vegas!
We're going to Vegas!
Excuse me, guys,
but product development is
essentially defining
a need, right?
Does someone
playing the lottery
really a watch
to pick their numbers?
Bean! Bean!
This is not a watch.
We, you and I,
are selling a dream!
That's right, baby.
Hold this, take it.
Sixty million people
play the lottery.
This is a product
that cannot miss.
We have a storeroom full of
products that can't miss.
We got the
remote control beer mug.
There's thousands of those.
We've got that handbag.
Bad ideal.
And the Fish Stories Clock?
Whoa, whoa, hey,
Professor Positive.
You didn't even invent that.
Yeah, I like it.
It's good, man.
Let's make a million, huh?
You push this button on
the side of the case
and 6 numbers pop up.
6 numbers.
Different numbers every time.
How's he come up
with all these ideas?
believe it or not,
he used to claim it was the
hops, you know, in beer.
Now it's the universal mind.
The universal mind.
Their bookkeepers
theory is all ideas come from
some kind of collective
one universal mind.
I know.
But to Matt, you know,
it made perfect sense that
all ideas are floating around
in space like some kind of
old radio and TV broadcast,
and his mind is a receiving station.
A receiving station.
I know he's a little off.
Yes, but that's
why you liked him.
I know.
That's what I've
always liked about him.
You keep dreaming up the
ideas, buddy, I'll sell them.
I will.
That's for sure.
You know what I mean?
Now, we are going to
need seed money
for the new watch.
No, we're not going
to the casino, okay?
Read my lips.
We're not going to the casino.
We're not
going to the casino.
That's right.
All right.
We're going
to the dog track.
That is the
same difference.
It's a big difference.
It's a dog track,
it's not a casino.
And if Gina asks you, "Did
you go to the casino?"
And she will!
Say no with authority,
because it's true.
It's not the casino.
Say, "No, goddamn it, Gina!
I did not go to
the fucking casino!
I told you I
wouldn't, didn't I?"
You gotta' turn it around
On them just like that.
It's Bayou by a bundle!
Sam loves to
gamble on anything.
"Will the temperature
hit a hundred tomorrow?"
"I bet you I can
eat six jalapenos."
It cost him a lot of
money, and two marriages.
But he shrugs it off.
Three or four?
Your dumb dog on that one.
I like it, let's do it.
While we have this
moment, look, look, look!
See that
dog taking a shit?
Look at him. Look at him.
Number 2!
Number 2! Number 2!
Our luck is about to change.
2... 2... 2.
Can Do!
Can Do!
This is the one, bro!
No, no, man.
Look, he's coming
down from a beating.
Okay, listen to me.
Ahh, a jockey told Carl, the
bartender, that if you see a
horse shit before a race,
you bet all you got on him.
He said that.
The dog is shitting,
and that's why
you're betting on him?
Yeah. Think about
it. Look at me!
He's 22 to 1.
Come on, it
makes sense, right?
He's lighter, he's
happy, he's relaxed.
It's horrible!
Think about it.
Let's do this, all right?
Come on, he's a jockey.
Why would he lie?
Now, calm down,
let's take it slow.
We just got here, Okay?
Okay, so
how much you got?
I got two $20.
Can I have a 10 dollar
two-four on...,
and a 10 dollar 2-8 on...?
Fuck! Great!
$400 on 2, Can-Do, to win.
Thank you.
I said tickets.
Put away your money.
Here comes the bunny!
And two, let's go, baby!
And they're off!
...jump in the lead, followed by
Late-For-Dinner and Can-Do!
They're going
into the first turn!
Down in the back stretch.
Flea's-Ferrari chases down
the number 2 Can-Do.
Can Do gets passed.
As they head for the wire,
It's Flea's-Ferrari pulling
away now by a length!
Flea's-Ferrari takes it!
$400 on the dog shit theory.
You should be proud.
Fucking Can-Do bullshit.
I can't blame Sam.
He was just trying to raise
money for our business.
Sam did construction for a
while before we teamed up.
Me, I've never had a job.
I've always worked for myself.
It can be tough, long hours,
no guaranteed paycheck.
But you have a chance to win.
Bye, girl.
Bye, sweetie.
Bye, see ya'-
So I go out there and the gate
agent ask me for volunteers,
you know, to give
up their seats.
Sounded like a game show host.
"A voucher for a
room at the Marriott,
and we'll get you out
on the 7 A.M. non-stop.
So these two guys sitting
there yell, "Throw her in",
'pointing at me,
"We'll do it."
Ahh, smart guys.
So what's new here?
Nothing, really.
Just the same old, same old,
looking after cash flow,
you know.
You guys haven't
been by the casino,
trying to help it, have you?
I, ur,... I told you
I wouldn't, didn't I?
Just asking,
Matt, just asking.
Well, I am
just telling you.
Oh, I can't wait to get
out of this uniform
and take a shower
And I can't
wait for that either.
Oh, guess what
the big rumor is at work.
Southwest buying
you out, that one?
They're going to be
offering an early retirement.
For you?
You're too young and
sexy to be retired.
With a cash incentive,
twenty-some thousand.
Twenty thousand?
Of course, I can't even
think about it until your
business does something,
we pay down our cards.
I don't think you'll
be waiting too much longer.
It's like Thomas Edison
said, "To have a great idea,
you've got to have
a lot of them."
Yeah, but while we're
waiting on that light bulb,
we're getting in
deeper and deeper.
Come on.
Every bad idea I have just
gets us closer, and closer,
and closer to a really,
really, really good idea.
Oh, I've got a
really good idea.
I've been
up since six, baby.
I've been up about
a minute and a half.
So I said,
"Care for a calzone, sir?"
And he, real
uppity-like goes, "Miss,
you don't know what
you're serving.
I'm Italian.
It's pronounced calzon-e.
You emphasize the 'e'.
If you're going to serve it,
learn how to pronounce it."
I just moved the
cart on up the aisle.
Yeah, sister...
Then my friend Rita, who's on
the other side of the cart,
leans back and says,
"Hey, Gina,
would that be
asshole or asshol-e?"
You're not real into it.
Another round?
I'd be really good
after a few of these.
So, I think it's great you
guys have been friends
since high school.
I don't even
know that guy.
I could tell
you some stories.
Please don't say
anything, come on, man.
Gina, you know, she still
thinks I'm a nice guy.
No, I don't
I knew you were an asshole
the minute I met you.
I don't have
to pretend anything.
No, you don't, baby.
No pretending.
I'm really glad
we're all together.
So anyways, thank
you, dickhead.
Sure, buddy.
G, you know that Cinda's
going to be coming with us
to the expo, you know that?
Oh, really?
Fill out orders,
you know the ropes.
That's right.
I don't know the first
thing about the watches.
Babe, you don't have to.
All you got to do is be
a goddess like you are,
a big smile.
You know what I mean?
And say, "It's animated!"
It's animated!
Not like that
like we practiced.
Like you did it.
Hey, excuse me.
You want to win a
million dollars
with the touch of a button?
I do..
Push the button.
It's animated!
Like that!
I'll buy one, right?
Come on!
I'll buy three.
I keep telling Gina
when the money rolls in,
she's gonna' wonder where
it's been all this time.
When can I
start wondering?
Next week, sister, when
we start selling
a trillion watches.
That's right.
Quit your goddamn job!
Yeah, I'm
gonna' quit, okay?
Sam says I can.
Can do, sister!
YOU can do it.
Can Do.
Can Do, the dog.
What dog?
We were selling
the dog watches.
Am I missing something?
Have you heard
Sam's dog shit theory?
Look, what kind...
We're eating, no one
wants to hear about it.
No, no,
it's hilarious.
They were at the dog
track last week...
You were
at the dog track?
Did you go?
No, I went.
You didn't go.
I went with Bartender Carl,
and dominated, by the way.
It's delicious.
That's great.
I'm really
sorry, honey.
No, it's my fault.
How stupid can I be?
I'm picking up extra trips to
pay down our credit cards,
and you're here gambling.
I know, I know.
It isn't fair.
Listen, we were just trying
to get more money
so we could fund...
If I hear that
excuse one more time,
I'm gonna' scream.
I'm gonna'
quit for good.
You said
that two weeks ago,
and a couple of months before
that, and a year before that.
It's getting to be a joke.
Gina, listen.
The way we figure it, sixty
million people
play the lottery.
If I can sell one
percent, I mean,
that is one out of a hundred,
that's sixty thousand watches!
That's you taking
early retirement.
That's a down
payment on our house.
I hope it's a
huge hit, I really do.
But if you ever
gamble again...
Don't blame Cinda, man.
Blame me.
I do blame you.
I swore I told
her not to say anything.
Yeah, just don't
worry about it, man.
So was it a long ride
to the airport this morning?
Yeah, the old
silent treatment
I used to look forward
to those with Rhonda,
actually instigate them.
You think I talk a lot, man?
Gina giving you a hard time
about having to fly so much?
I wouldn't
blame her if she did.
Withholding sex yet?
It's the only entertainment
we can afford.
But you know what? That's
a good thing, buddy,
because that's the
last thing to go.
Oh Rhonda, towards the end
of that train wreck of a
marriage, she'd
tell me, "Sam, no!
I'm mid-month.
I'm bloated.
I don't want you
to look at me."
I don't want to look at you!
I want to fuck you!
What a psycho, man.
Liar's Poker for the tab.
Oh, well, can't very
well turn down free beer,
can I?
Hey, fuck you, man.
Loser's first.
Okay, I'll go anyway.
Three fours, my friend.
That's not going to do it.
Four sixes.
Oh, it's there, don't worry.
Five sixes.
Good God,
you're terrible!
Keep it, keep it,
keep it!
God, I don't like
this stupid game!
Who made that up anyway?
Hey, Carl!
Two morons, Sammy.
The thing is, America
is the place where a little
guy can have a big idea.
Anybody can do it, come
up with bubble wrap,
a super soaker,
a lottery watch.
A million dollars
You gotta' see in
It's animated!
One idea can
change everything.
All it takes is one.
Check it out.
It's gonna' change every time.
How do you feel about
winning some cash?
I feel good about it.
Let's do this, all right?
Come on.
All right.
Check it out.
Check out this
great new watch.
Hey, how are
you doing, buddy?
Lucky Lottery Watch, how
do you feel about it?
Come on now.
Hey, I know
you like the lottery.
Check it out, a new way
to play the lottery!
oh, yeah.
More than two shakes,
you're playing with it.
You know what I'm saying?
I've got the
dress, I've got the smile.
It's animated.
I need a drink.
It's animated.
It's not working.
Tell me about it.
What is this, kid?
What is this?
Is this a Lab, or
is this a Retriever?
That is a Lab.
It's one of our best sellers.
It's cute, very cute.
Listen, who makes the business
decisions for this company?
That would be me.
Matt Reeder.
Matt, how are you?
How can I help you?
Oh, no, no.
The question is,
how can I help you?
See, my company is the leader
in TV direct response
What we'd like to
do is stop by...
We're not doing any
advertising right now.
Wait, wait, wait.
It's a whole new concept.
We pay you.
Okay, we're
really busy here, so...
Listen, I
picked up a brochure,
so I'll give you a call later.
I'll explain what we do, okay?
Come to the office
and we'll talk.
We're really
not interested.
You're not
interested in making money?
Listen, I'll give you a call.
I think you'll like what
I have to say, okay?
Maybe I can get you
some customers, right?
Customers are nice.
Nice to see you.
Fucking queer.
Who's that asshole?
You know, I mean, I
wouldn't call it a dud.
I'd call it a start.
Sam, use
some common sense.
I mean, look, I'm as
disappointed as you are.
That's fine.
Hey, look, maybe that's
the problem, buddy.
I don't know, maybe there's
just too much fucking common
sense around here!
Let's, I don't know,
shake it up a little bit!
Let's think outside the box!
All right, I got it.
Here's one.
Get a little publicity.
Find a lucky lottery winner,
and say we pay him a couple
grand, I don't know, to say
that they got their numbers
off of our watch.
They go on TV.
They say to the entire world,
'I got the numbers off of this
Sam, will you
listen to yourself.
They just won the lottery.
Why are they going to lie for
us for
a couple of thousand bucks?
I don't know, man.
I'm just throwing
it out there.
And that's assuming we have a
couple of thousand bucks.
Yeah, we're
delinquent on everything,
and withholding is right
around the corner.
Okay, here we
go, small thinker.
Okay, we gotta'
figure this out,
unless you want to be
pounding nails again.
All right, well, I'm the
only one coming up with some
Anyone else want
to chime in here?
Here's an idea.
We could've done four or five
breeds of the dog watch for
what we wasted at that expo!
But we didn't,
did we, Bean?
The highest re-order
rate of any product
we've ever had, ever
You know what, I want to
fucking choke you sometimes!
Goddammit, Bean, you're really
starting to piss me off!
Hey, hey, you are
starting to piss me off, okay?
Come on, amigo.
Hey, hey, hey, man.
Come on, come on.
Okay, let's go see
the bank manager.
With Our
financial statement?
Don't be ridiculous.
No, we'll just go to him
without all the negative shit
On it.
I hope you're kidding,
because that's bank fraud!
I can never tell
with you anymore.
Yes, Bean,
he's kidding.
I won't sign it!
Bean, he's kidding.
Look, we're on
the same team, right?
I need you, man.
I say whatever it takes.
I don't know what that is.
Whatever it takes.
Sam and I are
essentially out of business.
I didn't know
it was that bad.
I mean, we got enough
money for one maybe two
payrolls, and that's it.
You know, maybe
it's for the best.
Go to work for Louisa, and get
away from Sam and his schemes
before you end up in jail.
I kind of like you, I
don't want you in jail.
Well, you know, a
problem is
an opportunity in disguise.
I mean, every store who buys
the dog watch sells out.
We just need more breeds.
Could you get a loan
from your credit union?
No, Mam
No, Matt!
I mean, how many failed
products have you had lately?
That stupid jogger TV hat
I tried to talk you out of?
Watch TV while you jog?
The ten second toothbrush
for people in a hurry?
Come on, Matt!
Yeah, that was stupid
but this is completely
It is night and day.
Every store that bought
the dog watch sold out!
I need more breeds
to get more accounts.
Gina, this can work, trust me.
This can work.
Say it doesn't
sell for any reason.
Would you promise to
go to work for Louisa?
Look, it's
a proven product.
We've sold these!
Just answer
the question, Matt.
Say it doesn't sell, would
you go to work for Louisa?
Look, you ever hear
about what happens to pro
athletes when they sign
their first contract?
What's that got
to do with anything?
Suddenly, here comes
the family with their hands out
"Gimme, gimme".
I mean, that's how I'm
going to feel
working for your sister.
you'd get over it!
Al, I'm a
happily married woman.
No, no, no.
Just what I needed,
another success seminar
with my in-laws.
A guy in a bar told me once,
if you want to know what God
thinks about money, look
at who he gives it to.
Al, I love
you, you know that.
I'd do anything for you.
Matt, another beer?
Okay, sure.
But first, get
me that signature, Okay?
Al, stop flirting with my wife.
We get guests.
Get me that signature today.
Oh, God,
I need a drink.
Now, now, now!
Coming right up.
I've got one ready.
I'm so sorry
I'm so late.
So sorry.
Here you go, my love.
Oh, thank you.
What do you think?
Thank you,
you wonderful man.
Go get 'em.
I'm good.
I'm good.
So, it's so
good to see you guys.
You are good.
So, Matt,
what do you want? Medium rare?
Did you get
my message last week?
I was in
Boise and Sacramento.
Oh, world traveler.
Well, guess what.
The week before Christmas,
you two are coming with us
to Telluride.
We won the winning donation.
At the Lupus
Charity Auction.
Fourteen grand, huh?
For a disease,
don't know
what the hell it is.
But it got us a four bedroom
condo right on the slopes
for a week.
Yeah, you ski right in,
ski right out your front door.
We thought of you guys the
second we got it, huh?
There's no way we can
afford Telluride for a week.
Oh, come on!
It's all paid fort
Yeah, but the
skiing, the restaurants...
Live a little, have
some fun for a change.
You guys have got to stop
worrying about money.
So how's business?
Could be better,
you know.
I have an office and a
desk could have
your name on it.
I mean, anytime you
want, no pressure.
There is a hot rock
massage that'll make you wet,
and I don't mean sweat
What do you think?
Oh, seriously, Matt.
Do you know what we
call real estate?
Steal estate!
Stop throwing
your money away on rent.
Yeah, you can get my
little sister the casita
she's always wanted.
A little more wine?
You too, hun?
No, no, I'm good.
Seven thousand,
that's amazing!
Her credit union has a
formula based on her salary.
Just be glad she got
the loan she did.
But seven grand,
that', that's amazing.
Never mind, I should shut up.
You know, it's three
more breeds, right?
We have the Lab.
We should do the Retriever,
the German Shepherd
and the Beagle.
It's better
than one Lab.
But not really, man.
I mean, everybody I talk to
wants the top ten or nothing,
They don't want to piss
off the Boxer people,
the Poodle people, blah, blah.
I know.
Look, just be
satisfied, all right?
It's a good thing.
You know
what we're good at?
Lately not a whole lot.
A little bit
of BJ my friend.
Now, let's head to
that reservation.
No, listen.
Oh, come on,
you are a real asshole.
No, listen to
me, listen to me.
Okay, look, we want to
do 3 breeds, right?
That's $1900 each,
that's $5700.
We have $1300 left
to play with, right?
Now, we hit a few
hands we have.
What is this and this?
That's a stack o' black, Okay?
You pull that in, what
do we got here, cowboy?
That's a nest egg!
That's 12 grand!
That's the top 10
breeds, my friend!
That is the difference between
walking out of a store with an
order for 10 dozen
instead of...
3 dozen.
But Gina, she gave us that
money, all of that money,
for watches.
Yes, but she would want
us to protect this investment,
wouldn't she?
Okay, look at it this way.
We lose that $1300,
which we won't,
because we dominate.
Say we do.
We still have the
$5700 left to do
the top 3 breeds.
We do dominate
at blackjack.
Yes, We do.
Lift Off.
Yes, We can.
Get my man some
French caviar, hun.
Here we go again!
I'm not afraid.
I ain't afraid.
We got to.
Do the math!
Oh, it's
gonna' be good.
Do it again?
Twenty-four thousand!
Oh, do it again!
Do it again!
Put it all in, baby!
We're all good!
All right,
he's got a Six!
Seven thousand dollars.
Dealer's sitting on
a 16, hits a 5?
It's unbelievable!
What happened?
We out of gas?
I can't go home.
Not until
I figure this out.
All right.
Insurance fire.
Insurance fire!
Let's just torch
all of our watches.
Is that so wrong?
It's win-win!
New what?
The guy, do you remember?
The guy from the booth, said
he'd put the watches on TV
and give us a percentage.
Oh no, man.
The knock-off king?
What do you mean,
the knock-off king?
Yeah, man, all the guys
in the next booth said that
that guy lurches around
all the trade shows to rip
people's ideas off.
Forget in
Fuck him!
I doubt it.
The guy runs a huge company.
He's got ads on major
cable all the time.
God, imagine how
many he could sell.
Sixty-four million dog owners.
Remember Bean's stat, 4 out
of 5 of them write their
pet's names on greeting cards.
Newkin can reach those people.
You know what, buddy?
That's the reason why we
should do it on our own,
you know what I mean?
Why turn it over to some
cheese dick and end up with
nothing, man, and
get railroaded?
No way!
I don't trust a guy that
can eat his own fist, okay?
Call me crazy!
You see the chompers
on that guy?
Come on, man.
You want to do business
with him, seriously?
I'd like to
do business, Sam.
That's what I'd like IO do.
You boys are old
enough to remember this.
This is one of the all
time TV products.
The chirping bird clock.
How many of those
did you sell, if I can ask?
Oh, Jesus.
We sold... 781,260 clocks
in 105 days.
But wait, there's more!
I love those
commercials, the guy...
Yeah, we're
very proud of that.
Now, those numbers
are just a start,
because once you create
interest in a product on TV
then you go
for the after market.
We're sitting at the adult table
with Sears and Wal-Mart.
At the adult table,
Matthew, do you hear that?
With Sears and Wal-Mart.
if I may,
You see, it's animated, so you
can actually see
what dogs dream about.
Millions of dog
lovers out there, Larry.
Our customer,
too, older female.
Come on, you get some has-been
celebrity on there with their
pet Corgi or something.
Could have a big upside.
How many
breeds you got?
Well, right now
it is just the one,
but when we partner
with AmeriDirect,
the American Kennel Club
top 20.
All right.
If we pick you up, we
fund all the TV ads.
We handle inventory
retail distribution.
All right.
So, question, yeah.
What's our cut?
If we pick you up,
an untested product,
How about a little
dinner before you fuck me?
Untested product?
Do you know how many of
those watches we've sold?
How many
have you sold on TV?
Our volume is 50,
100 times anything
you can possibly produce,
especially with your
limited financial capability.
Oh, really?
And how do you know
anything about our
limited financial capability?
We vetted
International Gifts.
What happened?
We checked you out.
What, I'm gonna' sit across
this table from two people I
don't know shit about?
What am I, stupid, huh?
That's debatable.
I don't know.
Well, you
guys have no money.
Why did you come
to see me, huh?
Why are you sitting
in that chair, huh?
You answer me that!
You know, I...
I what?
I...I...I what?
Why did you come to see me?
You tell him, tell
him why you came.
Tell your little snot-nosed
friend why you came.
Because I can move
your merchandise.
Well, that's
because you're the king.
I am the king.
You are the
knock-off king!
All right young man,
that's enough.
That's all.
Not smart.
You boys are out
of your league.
What a goddamn prick!
You're the prick.
I'm the prick?
Come on!
We're not going to
bend over for this guy.
We're gonna' do
it our own way.
I'm fucked.
You gave me your word.
That money was going
to buy watches.
It was.
We... we just...
um... Gina,
I've been trying to
figure out a way to...
When I get
back from this trip,
I'm moving into
Louisa's guest house.
I'm gonna' use
one of her cars.
You can have the Chevy
to drive to work.
Gina, I...
Or drive it
to a car lot
and sell it for
gambling money.
I don't care.
I'm thinking about
myself for a change.
Like you do all the time.
...can we just talk about it?
No. Don't touch me.
What's going on, amigo?
This is sexy, it
doesn't look like you.
You've got some
very cute clothes.
I've never seen these before.
You should let me help
you make some outfits.
I could spruce it up a bit.
I like them.
And you sleep on these, okay?
These are for decor only.
How did it
ever come to this?
Did she call you back yet?
I... I really did it this time.
I'm gonna' share
something with you
that I learned
a long time ago.
They can't stay mad.
They are emotionally
resilient creatures, man.
They're all fucking crazy!
But they're resilient.
She'll be back
before you know it.
You know, buddy, it's not
like you got caught cheating.
You know what I mean?
That's a whole other 12 miles
of bad road and STDs.
You know what I mean?
But you can...
you can lie.
You can forget
You can get drunk, show your
ass in front of the in-laws.
That's all...they'll
forgive all that shit, man.
But do not, you can not
get caught cheating.
Bro, they don't like it.
It'll fuck you every
time, trust me.
So in about probably
26...27 days,
Gina will be back.
You want to bet on it?
I'll bet you on it.
Well, you guys have
been really great to work for.
Oh, Bren.
You've been
really great as well.
I'm so sorry.
Yes, great.
So, what are
you guys going to do now?
Well, listen,
think of the alternative.
I mean, look at my ex-husband.
Forty-seven years old, he's
got the dick of a teenager.
At least Matt's faithful,
you got that going for you.
I like you and Matt
together, you know?
No, stop.
I've had it.
Has he always gambled?
Oh, please.
I met him on a Reno
turn, remember?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
you told me that.
Did I tell you that he
and Sam flipped a coin to see
who would ask me out?
No, I don't
remember that.
I should have run the
other way
as soon as i heard that.
I really should have.
Attention dog lovers!
Now you can show your love for
your dog with the amazing...
...from AmeriDirect.
I always wondered
what he was thinking!
Using breakthrough technology,
The Dreaming Dog Watch
actually reveals
what dogs dream about!
Dog food, a bone,
a fire hydrant!
Fuck me!
Where can I get one?
Uh, I got to have one.
Only $19.95,
The Dreaming Dog Watch...
I'm coming
around the bend.
Who's flexible?
Who's a dancer?
Come on!
Yeah, that's me.
Yeah, you like
that, don't you?
It's me, pick up.
Goddamn in
Fuck! Hold on.
Pick up!
It's Matt. It's Matt.
Yo, what's LIP, buddy?
Turn on channel 28.
I'm really kind
of busy right now.
Goddamn it, turn on
channel 28!
Fuck, give
me the remote!
The remote!
I'm so close!
Okay, hang on, hang on!
I got it.
Hold on, okay.
Jesus, you sound hysterical!
Only $19.95.
The Dreaming Dog Watches
available in the top 20 breeds,
and comes with a
money back guarantee!
They've got a Westie!
- Holy...
The Shepherd!
-...what the...
- All twenty breeds.
The Malamute!
I love it, so does he.
Call now!
Supplies are limited!
Call 1-800-555-DOGS.
That's 1-800-555-DOGS.
- Fucking rich... You...
Call now!
- You there?
So did you
have Mr. Newkin sign
a non-disclosure agreement?
No, we didn't.
You didn't?
Well, that's not essential.
By copying your
design exactly,
Mr. Newkin has exhibited
malice of forethought.
What? What does that mean?
Oh, sorry.
You have a case.
Hot damn.
I told you, man.
How far are you willing
to go on this matter?
Like a virgin
on prom night, baby!
All the way!
Let's do this!
Sam, I don't think
that's the question
he's asking.
Would you be prepared to take
this on a contingency basis?
I couldn't do that.
But you said
we had a case.
Yeah, but this type
of case can be protracted.
It can go on
for a long time.
But I might consider going
with a contingent contingency.
Good, I want in
I'm in!
What is it?
I'll write them a letter
If they respond
with a good offer,
I'll take it on contingency.
And I say to the guy,
I say, "Sir, I'm sorry,
but we do not have mints
or gum on this plane."
And he gives me this big
exasperated sigh, he says,
"Do you mean to tell me you do
not have one goddamn mint on
this entire plane?"
Yeah, definitely.
And a jerk.
So Gina, come
outwith us
when we get to Portland.
No, thanks, Randall.
I'm just gonna'
order room service
and take a long hot bath.
I know what
you're going through.
It's not easy.
Tell you what.
I'll bring up a really
good bottle of wine,
and give you a massage.
Have you ever had
a Shiatsu before?
I mean like deep
tissue, just really...
emotions just float out.
The first time I ever
had one, I cried.
Yeah, it's
good, it lets it out
Have you ever had one?
No, Randall.
Sit back.
Just trying to help.
Poor girl.
A cowboy
philosopher once told me,
"If you find yourself in
a hole, stop digging."
This is bullshit.
I know about
these things, bro.
They turn you into
feeling like a
fucking plucked chicken.
I didn't
ask you to some.
Okay, guys,
let's get started.
If you're going to
be a dick, just leave now.
I'm just saying,
it's not even legitimate.
Hey, good crowd.
It's all fucking
propaganda if you ask me.
We're all here
for the same reason.
Our lives have gone
out of control.
We all wanted to be big
shots, be rich, powerful,
but without the effort.
A something for nothing
approach to life.
Sounds good to me.
My name is Kelly, and
I'm a compulsive gambler.
Hi, Kelly.
My name is Glenda,
and I'm a compulsive gambler.
Hi, Glenda.
My name is Matt, and
I have a gambling problem.
Hi, Matt.
Hi, it's me,
I signed you up for the real
estate exam next month.
I hope you're
serious about this.
I just wanted to let you know
that I'm sending you a check
for the payment to
your credit union.
And, well, when you feel
like talking...I'll see you.
I kept telling myself
something Edison said:
"A lot of people don't realize
how close they are to success
when they give up."
The combo, man.
The shooter.
So did Newkin's lawyer
end up saying forget it?
I mean, it starts out the way
they always do,
"Thank you so much for bringing
this to our attention, but..."
Go fuck yourself, right?
Say good night, Sammy.
Good shot, man.
You sell any
LA-Z-BOYS lately?
I am in danger of
being employee of the month.
That's good.
Well, I'm asshole of the day.
I think I could get
used to working there,
and then wake up suddenly
20 years from now...
Oh, please stop
talking about it,
that scares the
shit out of me.
Am I gonna' end
up some pathetic,
lonely sixty-year-old framer?
Hey, guys.
Like another one?
Can't hurt.
Ice cold ones coming up.
Oh, yeah.
It's time for a beer.
Thank you, man.
I'm gonna' go
drop the kids off.
"Oh yeah...
...time for a beer."
Hold on, Mr. Chow,
it's coming in right now.
No battery compartment.
That's gonna' be a
We need room for
the circuit board.
Well, it is too bulky.
Yeah, I know
it looks bad, but...
Yeah, well, get
your engineers on it,
see if you can, I don't know,
reduce the circuit board.
We'll try.
I'll send you a fax.
Okay. Tonight, yeah?
We'll try.
Excellent. And no buttons.
Oh yeah!
Time for a beer!
Where's the fire?
You all right?
Yeah, I'm great.
Jesus, man!
Let me ask
you a question.
We, together, have run
our business into the ground,
my wife left me, we're
working shit jobs,
we're completely broke, and
we're approaching middle age.
It's reason to be depressed,
wouldn't you think?
Do I look depressed?
I don't know.
Look! Do I look depressed?
Is this a trick question?
Bro, we've been
friends for twenty years.
We've been through
a lot of shit.
But I'm telling you, man, we
are on the verge
of living the dream!
All right, look.
Sammy's here, everything's
gonna' be okay.
You need hugs?
Come on, it's Okay.
No, you know,
I don't need a hug.
You know what I do need?
What's that?
I need a beer.
I like beer.
Do you like beer?
Let's have a beer.
Why don't you
get us some beer.
All right.
I'll get you a beer.
All right.
acting weird, man.
Oh, is there not
an opener over there?
That's too bad.
I flaked.
Hey, why
don't you try this.
You sure you're
all right, man?
You seem crazy.
I feel like I should be
concerned about you.
Oh, yes! I like beer!
That is hysterical.
Oh, yes! I like beer!
Wait a minute.
Where'd you get this?
Where do you think?
You son a bitch.
How much?
$6.95 retail.
Well, it
sounds amazing, man!
It's an
automatic sound.
There's no buttons.
But the best thing
about it is it surprises you!
It's a total surprise!
What's the minimum?
Five thousand units.
Oh, shit.
I can sell that in a week!
Bro, this is it!
This is the one!
This is a chain store product!
This goes everywhere, man!
Jesus Christ!
And hey, you know what?
little thing right here,
this is gonna' get
you Gina back, man.
If I can repay her.
Oh, I promise you that.
We gotta' get this out before
Newkin prick-ass
gets a hold of it, right?
Oh, Newkin's not
gonna' find out about this!
We introduce it at
the L.A. Gift Expo.
- L.A. Gift Show, right, right!
- You know what I mean?
We'll kill Newkin!
And hey, look at me!
I'm gonna' get the money
for this, somehow some way!
I just spent the rent
money on this prototype.
Yeah, well, I got it.
I don't care
where, I'll get it.
yes! I like beer!
Oh, yes!
I like beer!
How are you?
You look great.
You, too.
How are you, Sam?
What's going on?
Well, I'm...summer
time, right?
Pounding nails in the desert,
that sucks man.
Something to drink?
Just water, please.
So, did
you talk to Matt?
You know, he's
doing all right.
He's doing his thing.
But my idea man is reduced to
selling furniture
in a strip mall.
Sam, is that
why you called,
to tell me you're
worried about Matt?
Well, look, I
know he fucked up, okay?
But don't we all,
right, you, me?
I mean, you should just be
happy that Matt won that coin
toss instead of me, because
I am the train wreck.
I am the fuck up, right?
I mean, you should just call
him, and say,
"Hey, Matt, how are you doing?"
And he'd say,
"Oh, Gina, you know,
I've been doing a
little bit Of this,
a little bit of that."
Try it.
Oh yes! I like beer!
Did Matt
come up with this?
How's he do it?
Oh, you
know, it's simple.
I think it has to do with like
the metal and the...yeah,
I have no idea.
But ur, Gina, this...
is the one, telling you.
So we've been talking
to some investors and...
I just thought maybe
your sister Louisa
might be interested.
Matt ask you...?
No, he hasn't.
He doesn't know I'm here.
Was this his idea?
No, that would be mine.
Yeah, you know, call me crazy,
but she likes to make money.
She wouldn't
touch this, Sam.
No. Trust me. Listen,
I got to get going.
I've got an early check-in and
I haven't packed yet, so...
All right.
I got it, I got it.
I got it.
It's fine.
We've got a
big show coming up,
so...normally I would
never ask this, you know.
I'd's just
that, you know...
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!
She wouldn't do it.
Take care, man.
All right.
Hey, come on, give
me a hug at least!
Good to see you.
You look gorgeous.
I loved Sam
like a brother,
but he drives me crazy.
You never knew what he was
going to say or do next.
There wasn't a thought that
entered his head that didn't
come straight
out of his mouth.
He acts on every scheme, and
to hell with the consequences.
What the fuck?
This is how we
get Gina's money back.
Sam, is it drugs?
Yes, it's drugs.
No, it's not fucking drugs.
How stupid do you think I am?
All right, this is it.
You know, every once in a
while an opportunity
presents itself
right under our nose.
We just have to reach
out there and grab them!
You're acting
weird, brother.
No, don't
worry about that.
The bartender Carl,
he's got this buddy, J.J.
Now, J.J., he's been going out
to the desert and he's been
making an absolute
fortune swiping saguaros.
Okay, we're getting our
seed money
from committing a felony.
It's a felony!
No, no, not really, man.
You see, because
he's got a permit,
and he goes and gets prickly
pears and the barrel cactuses,
and he swipes, you know,
a few saguaros, man.
Now, these things go for
eight hundred dollars a foot,
and then these arms,
these go for four hundred.
$0 this is like
ten, twenty grand!
It's like
two, three tons!
What do you think
you're doing?
Okay, where did
you get all this?
Here's a shovel.
Look at the
size of that thing!
Let's do this.
A four
hundred-year-old plant
you're going to chop down?
That no one's
gonna' miss, buddy.
Fifty yards off
the goddamn I-191
Come on, let's
get out of here.
The Border Patrol is
gonna' be by, seriously.
Come on, I
need your help!
Look at yourself!
You're a cactus thief!
You're a fucking cactus thief!
Grab your fucking
shovel and help me dig, man!
Come on, man.
We're desperate, we're
not this desperate!
Come on, man!
Just calm
down for a second.
Come on, bastard!
Come on!
This is it, man.
I mean, I got nothing.
You know that's not true.
Come on, we've been worse.
Somethings gonna'...we're
gonna' figure this out, man,
and it ain't gonna'
be with this cactus.
All right.
There you go.
That's nuts!
It's nuts!
And you just reached in there
and all of a sudden there was
this talking...
Beer opener.
I want to show Tom.
No, no, I'm gonna' show...
No, Rita,
it's a secret!
A secret!
Tom, check it out.
What is it?
yes! I like beer!
How cool is that?
Hey, I have got
to get one of these.
Where can I get one?
I've got an Air Force buddy
who would just flip for this.
Yeah my... my husband
invented it, so...
I thought you
two were separated?
We are.
I think people grow up
with an idea about what their
life is going to be, and it's
hard to break out of that.
All it takes is
a little faith.
It's like when the Wizard
gave the Scarecrow a diploma.
It completely changed the
Scarecrow's idea of himself,
and he was able to do things
he never thought he could do.
Your last flight.
It's a little scary.
You think you're
gonna' like real estate?
Well, if I can get past
the paperwork,
and Louisa being
a control freak.
Oh, yeah.
You know it. You're gonna'
be pretty good at it.
I mean, people warm up to you.
I'm going to miss
buddy-bidding with you, Rita.
Don't start. No.
Come down to
scheduling with me.
I want to check
on my trip trade.
Good luck.
And we were
just going to talk.
Well, I'm so
glad to have you back.
I'm not
ready to come back.
Well, you
could've fooled me.
I mean, what's...
I know it doesn't
make sense, but...
Could you call Sam and
see what he's doing tonight?
There's something I'd like
to go over with you guys.
You came up with it.
I might say it, but
you said it too, once.
You would say it again
and again and again
with each product,
"This is the one..."
Yes. Okay, maybe.
Yes. See?
See anyway, who cares?
What's the point, right?
The point is that I think
this is the one
you guys have been
waiting on.
I showed it around
our union meeting last week,
and everybody,
everybody wanted one.
You show it
to your sister?
I did.
She said no.
And she's gonna' freak
when she finds out
what I've done,
but let her.
I'm going to pay for
the opening order.
That's your
retirement money.
I know, Matt, but I think
this is an opportunity.
Listen, Gina,
it's really...
Whoa, whoa, will
you shut up for a second?
Can't you see what she's
really trying to do here?
I mean, I can see it.
She's trying to get a
fresh start for you guys.
That's what it is, right?
Sam, this is business.
Well, who cares?
I don't care.
Cut it.
I'm in!
Thank you.
Don't thank me yet.
So, the opening order,
plus $6400 additional
to pay Bean what you
owe him, and rehire him.
And he controls the checkbook.
Of course.
Yeah, it's fine by me.
The other thing is...
I want one-third
of the profits.
The early-out bonus isn't
enough for a house,
and I'm not sure I'm
cut out for real estate.
That's fine with me.
A third?
What happens if you
guys get back together?
That's two-thirds!
I'm getting railroaded!
Still a third.
Okay, Gina.
You're shrewd, all right.
I'm thinking of a number here,
I'm gonna' throw it out there.
How about it?
A third.
Think about it.
25. How about it?
Look at me. It's a good deal.
A third.
Thirty-three point
three, three, three.
All right, fuck it!
Who cares, man?
Let's do this!
There's enough money to
go around for all of us!
What the hell am I thinking?
I mean, this is amazing!
I love you guys!
Okay, Dave, let
me set the scene for you.
All right.
You just
got home from work.
You're heading in the house,
and you head straight for the
refrigerator, open
the door, and...
Oh yeah!
Time for a beer!
This time...the only
reason you go to work in the
morning is to get to this
moment with the beer at night.
Yeah, baby.
Oh yeah!
Time for a beer!
That's it. That's good.
That's it.
You're amazing.
Thank you.
Maybe try it with a
chuckle on the 'Oh, yeah!'
Okay, sure.
Take two,
Talking Beer Opener?
- Yep.
- Yep.
Oh yeah!
Time for a beer!
Hi, it's me.
Any word
on the container?
Yeah, they're
still stuck in customs.
I'll call the steamship
company tomorrow.
I don't imagine it'll be
more than a couple of days.
Also, this flyer should
go out tonight, so...
It's really
all happening.
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
Listen, I've got to go.
Louisa's here, so..
All right, bye.
Well what?
Did you do what I said and
ask for your money back?
you don't listen!
I told you,
it's a done deal.
The container is
in Long Beach.
Next week, we're
introducing the opener
at the L.A. Gift Expo.
Uh, you're so naive.
What do you know
about business?
What did you know about
real estate when you started?
You're blind!
You've been with him eight
years, and what do you have?
You're going to end
UP With nothing!
No house, no job, no money!
This is my decision. Not Matt's,
not yours. Mine.
This is gonna' bring us some
serious FU money, you guys.
You're damn right.
What's FU money?
Fuck-you money.
Wouldn't that be FY?
FY, Bean.
Who needs a hug?
Come here.
One hundred and
eighty-four cartons.
Five thousand openers.
Hey, guys, what's
a Talking Beer Opener?
Allow my
assistant to demonstrate.
International Gifts
What's it say?
The Talking Beer Opener.
Oh yeah!
Time for a beer!
Oh, that's pretty good!
I've never seen
that before, man!
But why didn't you guys use a
man's voice like,
"Oh yeah!
Time for a beer!"
Yeah, really?
Oh yeah!
Time for a beer!
Checking them!
Damn it!
Check them! Check them!
Check them!
Alvin and the
fucking Chipmunks!
Can't catch a break!
No, I tested them all.
They're all bad!
Listen to it!
Oh yeah!
Time for a beer!
So I mean, what are we gonna'
do about this, Mr. Chow?
Well, you send the
defective ones back,
we'll check them out,
see what the problem is.
No, no, absolutely not.
You fix the problem
right now!
I need samples and stock
available right away
for the L.A. Gift Expo!
Let me talk to him.
Shut up!
Absolutely not!
You got to
get over there.
I can get you a pass.
Well, let's see what
the problem is.
Oh yeah!
Time for a beer!
We can put a
gold resistor here,
stabilize the recording rate.
Put in a bigger speaker,
Make it louder.
Great, great.
How quickly can we get,
say, 10 dozen?
Well, we can work hard.
Have it by tomorrow morning.
Huh, great!
Quality control,
sound testing,
No more problems.
That's excellent, Mr. Chow.
We... we're going to need
the rest of the order shipped
air freight at your expense,
so we can have openers in the store
right after the Expo.
The customer always
pays for the shipping.
Yes, but this was
your fault, Mr. Chow.
Well, maybe
some air freight.
We share the cost, yes?
I'll tell you, the
sooner my customers get these,
the sooner you get a reorder.
What are they saying?
Uh, yes!
"Time for Tsing-Tao!"
China's most popular beer.
I see.
What time is it?
10 minutes to noon.
You ready?
This is it, here we go.
It's like
the guy said once,
"Everything that's loose in
this country
eventually rolls to L.A.
And they were all there.
From the Mom and Pop
stores to the big chains.
This is the biggest
trade show of the year."
Would you like to see
a talking beer opener?
That's right,
check it out right here.
Talk to her, she'll
make it happen, right here.
That's right.
Come on over.
Hey, guys.
Check it out.
Happy Hour
just got happier!
Let me talk to you about the
sexiest openers...
me, can I buy a sample?
My husband is a
talking beer opener.
Toys For Men.
Oh, yeah, that's
near San Diego, yeah?
Yeah, right.
Three stores, actually.
And let me tell you, it's so
hard to find gifts for men.
You walk this show,
any show,
it's women's gifts,
women's gifts.
And then finally I
stumble on you guys.
You know, I'll take...
what's 3 times 72?
Yeah, 216.
You can write it up.
These are great.
Love it.
All right, thank you.
Jesus, Larry,
look what's going on!
Are those
the two schmucks
that came to our office?
Guaranteed one show wonders.
My, my, my-
They're getting quite a crowd.
Yeah, but it's
not a product for TV.
Too cheap, $7 retail?
Got to be
$19.95 for TV.
That's the magic price.
If it's not on TV,
who gives a shit, right?
Hey, Newkin!
How 'bout you, man?
How 'bout you?
what an asshole.
Bye now.
What was that?
a gift store in Portland,
ordered at the show,
showed the flyer to a customer,
who just ordered 250
for a wedding reception.
That's exciting, isn't it?
You know,
we've got this going,
but now we got
to keep it going.
I was thinking we got to
diversify the brands,
come up with new ideas.
I was thinking, I don't know,
maybe The Three Stooges?
I love Curly.
What about,
"Mmmm, beer."
"Mmmm, beer!"
"Oh Yes"
Matt, Craig's on two!
Tell him we've just moved in,
we need 3 more phone lines.
What about that stuff
going to Australia?
How about that
order going to Australia?
Brenda, hold my calls!
Oh, yes!
(In Spanish) ...Homer Simpson!
(CER-VEZA ... beer)
(In Japanese)
...Homer Simpson...!
(In Norwegian)
...Homer Simpson!
Take two,
Talking Beer Opener.
A beer, sir?
(Cerveza, senor?)
Yes, Corona!
(Si, Corona!)
Oh, you speak Spanish.
(Oh, habla Espanol.)
Yes, Corona!
(Si, Corona.)
I'm really
happy for Gina.
She finally got that
casita she always wanted,
bought it all by herself.
Sam gave her a plaque to put
over the door
that said "Casa de Homer".
Her sister Louisa
was horrified.
Hi, Sam.
Hey, Sam.
How are you doing?
All right, guys.
Gina, to making your new
house a home, sister!
Here here!
The place looks great.
Yeah, a guy could
get used to living here.
I don't know, Matt.
I don't
Gina, seriously.
Okay, I got an idea.
You got a flashlight?
I'm not crazy, am I?
"I know he's a little off.
Yes, but that's why
you liked him right now.
That's what I always
love about him."