Lil Rel Howery: I said it. Y'all thinking it (2022) Movie Script

[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[crowd chanting]
Rel! Rel!
Rel! Rel!
Rel! Rel! Rel!
Rel, Rel, Rel, Rel!
[synthpop music]

[cheers and applause]
What the fuck is up?
What up?
[cheers and applause]
Shit, this is dope as fuck!
First of all, give it up
Crucial motherfucking Conflict.
[cheers and applause]
West Side's finest.
That's right!
Chicago, this is amazing.
I'm happy as hell to be here.
I'm happy to be outside.
[cheers and applause]
You know what's funny?
I was outside...
this is when I knew
I was back in Chicago, right?
I was walking earlier,
and I was looking at my name
on the marquee, right,
and I'm standing there.
[cheers and applause]
For real, that shit crazy.
So I'm standing there
having a moment to myself.
I'm like... and I'm literally
saying this to myself, like,
"Damn, this shit crazy."
And then a nigga
came out of nowhere, like,
"Hell yeah, it is."
I'm like,
"Who the fuck is you, nigga?
where the fuck you come from?"
He's like, "I don't know.
You got $6?
"That's why I was here.
You gonna give me
the $6 or not, nigga?"
I was scared to come outside.
They bringing back
old diseases, shit.
Fuck all the new shit.
It's the old shit coming back.
You come outside, "Well,
what you mean polio back?"
From slavery?
What the fuck
is that doing back?
How the fuck
they bringing back old shit?
Always got one old nigga
that got the real answers.
I mean, I was on my phone
talking to somebody, like,
"They bringing polio back."
Some nigga turned around,
"Well, hey,
you know why, right?"
He had some deep shit to say.
I said, "Why?"
"Well, you know...
you know, global warming.
"Those glaciers are melting.
"There's been diseases
in there, sitting there
"for years, decades!
"Talking about polio,
VD, measles,
all that shit been in there."
The fuck you talking about?
"Glaciers is melting."
I'm just happy
to be laughing, having fun,
'cause the world
is too fucking crazy.
You remember the time,
you know, your parents
used to love watching the news?
I hate watching the news now.
As soon as the news come on,
I'm like, "Fuck this.
"Nope, I don't wanna see this.
"Watch another episode
of 'Golden Girls'
before I watch this shit.
Fuck this."
Fucking news is too much,
'cause you can't
just watch one news story.
Like, you can't watch
the beginning of it.
You gotta watch that shit
for the whole week
to really understand
what the fuck really happened.
I'll give you a perfect example.
That fucking...
the Brooklyn pastor
that got robbed
on the live stream, okay?
When I first heard that shit,
I was like, "What?
"What is wrong
with these young people?
"You gon' rob a pastor
in front of his congregation
and on a live stream?"
Let me tell you something,
when I first heard it,
I was like, "Fuck them.
Oh, my God!
"They're robbing churches?
No, that is disgusting!
That is sick!"
But then I kept reading shit.
"Wait, wait,
this nigga got a Rolls-Royce
in that storefront?"
I started looking
at this nigga videos.
He playing... he not
even playing gospel songs
while he rolled
in the neighborhood.
This nigga playing 50 Cent.
Like, what type
of fucking pastor is this?
This nigga got a prayer closet
with all them Jordans in there.
I'm like,
"Who the fuck is this nigga?
I ain't seen one fucking Bible
in that prayer closet."
"This my prayer closet.
"You see my suits and my things.
I pray here."
Like, "Nigga,
they gonna rob your house now,
"you dumb motherfucker!
Stop showing shit!"
Some niggas deserve
to get robbed,
shit, you know what I mean?
But that video, I had to go
rewatch the original one.
The reason why,
'cause there was a nigga
sitting in the background,
Nigga wasn't doing shit.
I don't even know
if he knew what was happening.
He just was like...
First of all, he was the one
holding up the little curtain
they had back there, 'cause
they ain't had no real sign.
The nigga had a sheet back there
with the name of the church
on there and the service time.
"Yo, okay, they about to rob us.
Sorry, bless you, brother,
give me a"...
That nigga back there
was just sitting there with...
A handful of thumbtacks,
'cause that's
how they keep that shit up.
He didn't do shit.
He didn't know
what was going on.
Like, "Wait a minute,
is that a praise dancer?
"Maybe it's the mime ministry.
"They ain't wear
no tights no more.
Keep seeing these niggas' bulge
every fucking Sunday!"
I fell in the rabbit hole.
I started following this nigga
on Instagram.
That nigga mean as fuck.
He got on somebody live
and started roasting him.
I'm not even
making this shit up.
But he was rolling.
He still had the pastor voice
when he wasn't cursing, like,
"You better
shut your fat self up!
"With your fat self!
You ain't no prophet.
You pro-fat!"
Like, nigga, you mean as fuck.
Goddamn, brother.
You gon' call a pro-fat.
These pastors are
losing they fucking mind.
I was watching the old nigga
that talked about Beyonc
the other day.
Yeah, he's a bitch about it.
He pissed off.
He... nigga was just mad.
Like, "You know something?
"Let me say this
about Bey-on-c.
She worships the devil!"
That's what he said.
He said it.
"She's a devil worshipper,
"and she's an example
of if you worship the devil,
that is the result."
Nigga, you just promoted
the devil, motherfucker,
if selling your soul
lets you become Beyonc.
You dumb motherfucker.
You sold them to the devil!
It be them old-ass bishops, man.
I like my pastor
with regular outfits.
You still wearing that shit
niggas gotta help you put on.
You gotta put your arms up.
They gotta put it over you.
"Button me up."
There's too much
fucking going on out here
in these fucking streets.
That's why I say
I love being older.
Like, I'm in a fucking old,
grown-ass relationship.
I'm happy as fuck!
[cheers and applause]
Man, I'm happy.
I met me a grown-ass woman!
My fucking age!
Man, I didn't think
that shit was gonna happen,
you know what I mean?
'Cause I got too old,
and I, like, got irritated.
Like, you hit a certain age
where you just be like,
"Look, I don't give a fuck
how fine you is.
"You ain't got
your shit together.
"Get the fuck away from me.
"Don't give a fuck
how fine you is.
"Get the fuck away from me!
"I have children and bills!
"I don't have time to be
with your little young ass
doing all this shit all week."
I'm glad I got somebody
my fucking age.
One of my homeboys,
his girl, like, 25.
Nigga, that nigga look tired.
Every time I see him,
he's tired!
When we went on a double date
with this nigga,
with the new girl,
and, you know,
she telling us about her week.
Our shit was regular shit.
"Oh, okay, what y'all been
doing all week?"
"You know, work.
"You know what I mean?
"Kids good.
School's starting back.
You know, stuff like that."
She like, "Yeah,
we went to karaoke on Monday.
"Tuesday, we did this.
We went to Tulum
on Wednesday."
That nigga just sitting there
like this.
I'm like, "Nigga,
you did that shit all week?"
"Yeah, right after work.
Left the job, went to Tulum.
Nigga looked tired as fuck!
She got that nigga
flying all her friends out.
I'm like, "Nigga, you good?"
"Yeah, you know,
everybody came, you know."
"Right after work,
went to the airport...
right after work."
"And Antigua, I don't even know
what the fuck that is,
"but we was there.
I had to get tested
three times."
Ain't nobody trying to be
with no young motherfucker.
That's too much energy.
Ain't got time for it.
I love being in my
little grown-ass relationship.
We have grown conversations,
you know what I mean?
You know, we wake up,
we both be like,
"How you sleep?"
"You sleep good?
How you sleep?"
I could be honest.
"Oh, you know,
it got a little musty,
"I think, 'cause, you know,
you turned the air off
"like you always do,
but, you know, it's all good.
I slept pretty good, though."
Both of y'all got
y'all waters next to y'all bed.
Y'all got your own little...
Y'all got... you niggas toast
before you go to sleep.
"A'ight, toast."
"Put this down."
You know I ain't lying.
You, when y'all have sex,
y'all go to your own side.
"That was fun, wasn't it?
Have a good night."
Y'all both got y'all robe on
in the bed and shit.
"Good night."
That's some real shit.
Not my homeboy, boy, whew.
He got that young girl nigga.
The young motherfuckers
wanna lay up under you.
That nigga be...
nigga still be woke, irritated.
[mimics frustrated scream]
"Could you please
get the fuck off my chest here?
I gotta go to work."
That nigga got
a drawer full of pills.
I'm 42 years old.
My kids are getting older.
My oldest is 13.
She's 13,
and my oldest son is 12,
and I got a little man that's 5.
Oof, let me tell you something.
When you in your 40s
with a five-year-old,
I don't even give a fuck
no more, for real.
Like, you know what I mean,
you know when you first
had your older kids,
you was, like, jum...
you know, they jump on shit?
You try to catch 'em,
and you do all that shit.
I just be looking
at this nigga like,
"A'ight, well, you up there now.
"Shit, go ahead.
"Go down.
Jump down, nigga.
"You up there.
"I got insurance.
You hurt your leg, I got you.
"You climbed up
the refrigerator, nigga.
"I'm not coming up there!
I don't even know
how you got up there!"
You know, you got
that little motherfucker.
Your fucking oldest kids
become co-parents.
You just sit there,
"Hey, hey, go get him!
"Go get him!
"He running out the door!
Go get him!
Go get him!"
"Go get him!"
Yo, we ain't shit.
Heard my son talking shit
about me one day, though.
He was on the phone with his
homeboys, playing the Switch.
And I was finna ask him
something, but I walked up,
he was already talking shit,
like, "Nah, nah,
that's his motherfucking son."
I ain't know the nigga curse.
I'm like, "This nigga cursing?"
"That's his fucking son.
"I don't know why.
He gotta watch us.
"So who gon' watch us
while he watching him?
You know what I mean?
This all stupid."
Got Brittni cooking and shit.
"Why you over there
watching the Bulls game?
We fucking hungry."
"Got all that goddamn money,
we eating pizza rolls."
"Cheap-ass nigga."
I'm like,
"This nigga getting it on.
He's just going...
And it's just so funny
he was talking like that.
But then, you know,
these little kids are assholes.
They know how to play us.
They talk
in they little kid voices.
So I'm like, "Hey, Judah,
can I talk to you?"
[with high-pitched voice]
"Hey, Dad, what's up, man?
"Just playing my Switch,
talking to my friends,
"having a good time, you know?
When I'm done with the phone,
I'll talk to you, Dad, okay?"
"Little bitch-ass nigga.
"Trying to talk?
Go talk to your other son,
"see where he at!
I know he on the refrigerator."
And Brittni 13.
And she liking boys.
That's a... ugh.
That's a whole nother level,
We was at this pool.
And Brittni has
developed into a person.
You know, y'all know.
You know, stuff is happening.
You know what, fellas?
You know what's funny?
We be chasing these women
with these bodies.
Be like,
"Oh, she thick as hell."
Let me tell you something.
You have a baby by this lady
and you have a daughter,
guess who gon' be
thick as hell too.
Better find you a skinny,
just let 'em start
from the beginning!
And you can see
the little boys...
like, I feel like I be jumping
in the pool, like...
I had jumped in a pool
so hard one day, like...
'cause, you know,
little teenage boys
be doing they little teenage...
well, these little niggas
are weird.
The little... the new niggas?
These little girls love
these slow motherfuckers.
They don't be saying shit.
"Ma, you crazy as hell.
It's hot as hell out here.
"On my mama,
this shit crazy as fuck.
"Shit, we been
in this pool all day.
"Damn, this crazy.
This shit crazy.
Oh, shit."
And they do a little dance
and shit.
They all be going cra...
"Ah, he's so fine!"
"This nigga?"
"You don't like the little boy
over there studying?"
Hate... you know, you meet
the little boyfriends.
They be fucking weird.
You be like, "Hey, little man,
what you wanna do?"
"Shit, whatever."
And I try to be positive.
"Yes, yes, young man, you can
put your mind to anything.
"You can do whatever you want.
But I'm saying,
what would you like to do?"
"I don't know, like,
reading or [unintelligible],
He just throwing out shit.
you know what I'm saying?
"You know what I mean,
get to sell cars,
you know what I'm saying?"
"What the fuck
do your parents do?"
"I don't know.
Shit, we good.
Fuck you talking about?"
I'm like, "What?"
that's a part
of that new parent shit.
We all too cool, niggas.
You know,
40 is the new cool shit.
All my homegirls are,
like, 40 and single now.
They out here living it up.
[cheers and applause]
Living it up.
Y'all just...[chuckles]
Some of y'all doing
too fucking much,
I tell you that shit.
Out here talking about doing,
"Let's go!"
But doing all old dance
and shit.
"Well, you ain't low."
"Let's go!
It's the Tootsie Roll."
Nigga gonna dance to that song.
"Sit your old
40-year-old thick ass down."
"Sit your
40-year fine ass the fuck down.
"Go somewhere else.
"You go to a lounge and listen
to some Bobby Womack.
"You ain't supposed to be
listening to City Girls.
You at
the wrong fucking lounge!"
Hate seeing my homegirls.
They be on these little cruises
and shit,
the little yacht parties.
You only show the good videos.
Y'all don't show the hard shit
on the boat
when the wind blowing
and everybody wig coming off.
Ain't nobody showing that shit.
"Let's go!"
Got to hold that motherfucker
I feel bad
for my single friends.
Single was weird,
especially for the ladies.
I feel really bad for y'all,
'cause it's like,
niggas is so fucking funny,
'cause, like,
you can't go either way.
Like, even if you get a...
like, my homegirl
was dating this young dude.
Not so funny, 'cause I talked
about the other young version,
but there's another version
of it for ladies, right?
You know, some of y'all date
these young niggas, like,
"They ain't got shit."
And you have to make
a decision, like, "Fuck."
You only get irritated
when you see that nigga
playing PlayStation
with your grown son.
Like, "What the fuck?
Y'all niggas friends?
"What the fuck is this now?
What the fuck is this shit?"
You start talking to this nigga
like he your baby.
"Come upstairs and fuck me!
"Stop playing the game.
"You be out here playing
the game with him.
Come up there and fuck me!
That's why you're here."
"Playing some fucking
"Come up here and fuck me.
"I don't pay you to play
the game with my fucking son!
"He already got a daddy,
God damn it!
You are here to fuck, sir!"
Let's go!
That's why I was single
for so long.
I'm like, "Look,
I can't deal with you
if you don't got your shit
together, man."
You know what I'm saying?
You know, motherfuckers is...
I mean, look.
Look, at some point,
you want somebody
who can adult well.
You ain't gotta be rich.
Just know how to adult,
my nigga.
Like, that's it.
Motherfucker can't adult well.
They always got a problem, man.
And I'm one of them niggas.
I used to hate... you could tell,
'cause they try to give you
that weird-ass sigh shit
so you could ask what's wrong.
[sighs dramatically]
[sighs dramatically]
"What... what's up?
What's good?"
"I don't know how I'ma pay
my cell phone bill."
"Me neither, nigga.
I ain't giving you shit.
You hear what I'm saying
to you?"
I can't be one of them
cool old niggas
that don't give a fuck.
Tell you, I went
and got my shit together.
I go to therapy
every fucking Tuesday.
[cheers and applause]
You damn right.
You should clap for that.
Ooh, Black people
be scared of therapy, boy.
But that...
you gotta get the right
therapist, though, y'all.
I got, like, a auntie therapist.
She... she keep it 100
with a nigga.
I was like... like, you know,
motherfucker make you cry-cry?
You're like, "I'ma be like...
like, tell her,
"'Man, shut the fu'...
"I'ma tell her
to shut the fuck up."
She's like, "I'm not."
"Tell me why!"
Shit, I mean, that motherfucker
broke down
the first few sessions.
She asked me some shit
that fucked me up, man.
'Cause I could...
listen, I could tell y'all
truly what happened.
This is a true story.
This is what happened to me.
One day,
everything been going well.
I'm doing well.
I'm sitting in my house,
and one day, I just have
a fucking panic attack.
I literally sitting
on the stairs,
just crying hysterically,
didn't know why.
My sister show up.
I'm shooting a movie
at the time.
I'm running late.
And I remember her
telling me, like,
"Rel, maybe
you should see a therapist."
Like, "Nah, I'm good.
I pray."
"You should see a therapist."
I'm like, "A'ight, whatever."
And I remember the first
session we went to,
and I'm thinking I'm all good,
and I didn't realize,
like, "Oh, shit,
I'm still dealing
"with my mom's death, right?
I'm, like, still fucked up
about that shit."
And I remember her... she asked
me some real shit one day
after we like,
went really, really into it.
She's like,
"Let me ask you something."
This shit...
this when therapy gets scary,
'cause they say some shit
you be like, you didn't know
you was gonna answer.
You know what I mean?
You, like,
oh, you just sitting there
like, "Yeah, that's...
that's what it is,
you know?"
"Okay, here we go."
When she said, "Here we go,"
I'm like, "Where the fuck
"we going?
Shit, what do you mean,
'Here we go'?"
She's like, "Here we go.
Do you feel
like the wrong parent died?"
I said,
"What the fuck you say, lady?"
She said, "Do you feel like
the wrong parent died?"
And I was like...
"Why you ask that?"
She answered
none of my questions.
"Do you feel
like the wrong parent"...
"Okay, yes!"
And we dove into that,
and it didn't mean
I hated my dad
or nothing like that.
It just meant, like,
how close I was to my mother.
It didn't mean...
and then I learned
a lot more about my dad
because of that shit, right?
'Cause I'm like, "Damn."
So I'm sitting there
crying and shit.
I'm fucked up.
She got me
letting all this shit out,
and I'm like, "Fuck,"
'cause now I'm that dude.
I'm that friend now.
I'm so... I'm like the therapist
to everybody now.
Like, "Hey."
"Like, nigga,
you know what it is, bro.
"You love her.
"You don't want these bitches,
Why you doing this?"
Sit down.
Let's talk, brother."
Niggas hate
hanging out with me now.
They be like,
"It's a therapy session
every time
with this motherfucker."
But you need that.
We should work on ourselves.
Healing is important.
I know we say that, but...
it really is.
You... like, really deal
with that shit.
'Cause at some point, fellas,
you do gotta figure out
which old Black man you gon' be.
It's, like, three choices,
you know what I mean?
You either gon' be the old nigga
that still try to look young,
You know that nigga.
Nigga with all young outfits
with old faces.
Nigga jeans be tight as fuck
with a old-ass face.
"Going to
the Chris Brown concert?"
I swear, it's three Black men.
You got the other nigga,
the cool nigga, right?
The one with the linen outfit
on, hoop earring.
You know,
that nigga overconfident.
He just walk with confidence.
He always got
his hand in his pocket.
Like, "What's up, y'all?
Y'all good?
"Who graduated?
"I got $35 for you, okay?
Before you go to school,
hit me up."
Nigga sit down with his hand
in his pocket and shit.
You know you're a cool old nigga
when you cross your legs
all the way.
"Shit, what time the show start?
Then you got the jogging-suit
old nigga with the braids.
Nigga, what year did you just
get out of jail, nigga?
That's the first thing
somebody do
for they father
when they get out of jail
is give him a jogging suit.
That's too real, man.
It don't be no brand on.
It just a jogging suit.
It just say "jogging suit."
That shit zip
all the way down here.
That's how jogging...
Wait, why's it closing my face?
Y'all don't understand.
Shit, I'd be so fucking
irritated by somebody's shit.
I feel like I'm on the last
leg, watching these "Verzuz."
That goddamn Ray J, man, shit.
I don't...
I don't think he on drugs,
but he doing a lot
of on-drugs shit.
"Tell my baby,
tell my baby
Tell my baby"
What the fuck are you doing,
"Tell my baby"
The baby already born, nigga!
What the fuck you talking about?
These little niggas
are aging now, man... weird.
Only motherfuckers that killed
the "Verzuz" was, like...
Jadakiss killed that shit.
He was fucking amazing.
You know who had a good "Verzuz"
was Ron motherfucking Isley.
[cheers and applause]
That nigga lived his first
85 years without a beard...
no facial hair.
You can't tell that nigga
shit now!
[vocalizing as Isley]
Full beard, oh, yeah
Like, nigga,
I know that beard ain't real.
Nigga, I swear to God it ain't.
You don't grow
no beard that fast
if you ain't have one
for 85 years.
Nigga, you have smooth skin.
I ain't never seen a stubble
on that nigga face.
Then they go home,
take that shit off.
[vocalizing as Isley]
Got a case for it and shit.
[as Isley] Oh, they want
another song? Hold on.
[vocalizing as Isley]

Y'all laughing, shit.
My crazy ass went
to one of the "Verzuz."
I went
to the Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
and Three 6 Mafia "Verzuz."
I was there!
Look, this how I knew
it was gon' be good.
This why I bought my ticket.
When I heard that Bizzy...
they was gon' let
Bizzy Bone participate,
I was like, "Oh, shit!
"Put the money in a ziplock bag.
He's rich!
I was having
a fucking blast at that shit!
Project Pat came out.
I lost my mind.
I was a groupie.
Baldhead scallywag
ain't got no hair
I was losing my fucking mind!
And Three 6
did all they fucking hits!
I don't know what the fuck
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony was doing.
All the language was made up.
Bone, bing,
Bone, Bone, Bone
B-bone, Bone,
Do "Crossroads," motherfucker!
What song is that?
But this is when it got crazy,
though, right?
They was doing, like,
a weird slow song
that none of us
ever heard before.
Bone and slow song,
Bone and slow song
Bone and slow song,
Bone and slow song
Bone and slow song,
Bone and slow song
Bone and slow song,
Bone and slow song
We made a song slow
Let's go,
Bone and a slow song
Bone, Bone, slow song
We made a slow song,
go Bone and slow song
Ah, Bone and slow song
[vocalizes rapidly]

Bone and let's all
So while is this happening,
Gangsta Boo...
this all happened...
started dancing and shit
with Juicy J,
doing, like, a little...
Now, this when I knew
something was finna happen.
Bizzy Bone had on sunglasses,
When I saw that nigga look over
the top while he was singing...
Bone and slow song,
Bone and slow song
Bone and slow song,
Bone and slow song
Bone, Bone, Bone,
Bone and slow song
Bone, Bone, Bone,
Bone and slow song
Bone, Bone, Bone
and slow song
It ended!
And Bizzy grabbed the mic
again, and he said something
I ain't heard a nigga say
since grammar school!
"Listen, let me say
before y'all go on, man,
y'all ain't gon'
keep mocking me, man!"
I ain't heard a nigga
complain about a mock
since seventh grade!
"Hey, man, you ain't gon'
keep mocking me, man!"
You not gon' keep mocking me,
"Mocking," nigga?
"You ain't gon' keep
mocking me, man!"
So then Bizzy Bone get mad,
and he throw
the water bottle at Juicy J.
The bottle don't even hit him,
because DJ Paul, you know...
look, this is what happened.
So DJ Paul got the little arm,
and he slapped it!
That's what the fuck I saw!
He had that shit tucked away,
like, "Ah!"
And it went back slowly, like...
I'm like,
"What the fuck just happened?"
I ain't lying.
That's the thing about it.
It's not like
I'm being a asshole, no.
That's what the fuck happened.
That's what the fuck happened!
I didn't know that...
I didn't know that's
what that was for,
you know what I mean?
"Don't you dare hit Juicy J!"
"Man, you ain't gon' keep
mocking me, man.
"Put that little
motherfucking off, fam.
Put that little
motherfucking off, man."
There's too much shit going on.
"Ain't gon' keep mocking me,
I can't... I can't not hear it
no more, you know what I mean?
Listen, I'm in Hollywood.
All this crazy shit
is fucking happening,
especially with Black artists.
You know, and I was like,
"Am I gon' talk
about this shit?"
I don't know.
I ain't really said
nothing about it,
but, you know, the whole...
the slap.
You know, the slap,
you know what I mean?
It was... you know,
we all know what it is.
We got...
see, Black people have a quiet
way of, like, talking about it.
Like, "Yeah, yeah, the slap.
It happened."
Yeah, that happened.
You know, 'cause white people
was up in arms.
"Oh, my God!
That was disgusting!"
I'm like, "I mean,
yeah, it was fucked up,
"and Will shouldn't
have slapped Chris,
but I get it."
It ain't right, but I get it,
you know, 'cause I'm from...
look, I'm from
the West Side of Chicago.
You know how many niggas
I seen get slapped?
Sometime when a nigga talk too
much shit, they get slapped.
It is what it is.
This how you know
a nigga about to get slapped.
You hear somebody go,
"Yeah, a'ight."
"Oh, shit."
"You about to get slapped, fam.
"You done... you shouldn't
have said... don't do...
"that nigga finna slap you.
Don't talk
about his wife like that."
"You about to get slapped,
You done seen niggas get slapped
and they had
to talk about it later?
Especially if they
really love that nigga.
You ever see, like,
two brothers slap each other?
Two grown-ass brothers.
One slapped that nigga.
He missed his brother.
"Hit me back!"
"Hit me back!
Get your lick back!"
"Get your lick back!"
This nigga Will Smith,
I didn't even know
the shit was real at first.
'Cause I was watch... I wasn't
even at the Oscars this year.
I was watching at the crib,
and I'm like, "Damn, is this
really happening in real time?"
'Cause it was
such a smooth turn.
Even the way his jacket went.
It was like, "Oh, shit."
But also, Chris Rock is weird.
Let me say this.
This some real shit.
Ain't no nigga approaching me
that I didn't invite
to approach me
and I don't square
the fuck up, like,
"Hey, hey, what's up, bro?
You good?"
You know what I mean, like,
my kids can walk up to me.
Like, "Hey, hey, hey, fam.
What you coming over for?
"What's up, bro?
"Fuck out of here, nigga.
You hungry?
That nigga just walked up
to that nigga,
and this nigga said...
[as Rock] Uh-oh.
What, nigga?
Who the fuck
says shit like that?
[as Rock] Uh-oh.
He leaned in and shit.
I mean, be real.
Have you ever heard a nigga
say "uh-oh" in real life?
I been in danger a million time.
I ain't never said no "uh-oh."
I just always say, "Aw, shit,"
or something like that.
That nigga put
his whole shit out.
[as Rock] Uh-oh.
[normally] And then to watch
that nigga rub his face?
When you get slapped,
you gotta act like
it don't hurt.
You just gotta let the tears
go down.
That nigga was like...
[as Rock] Ah, shit.
I just got slapped
by Will Smith.
I'm sorry.
There's a lot to that shit
that's weird, right?
'Cause you ain't gon' hit me
and just walk off.
If you don't knock me the fuck
out, fam, it ain't over.
I ain't never been in a fight
niggas be like,
"All right, you good."
"Nah, nigga, we ain't,
"I'm about to...
you better not turn
your fucking back."
I could tell you a true story
where that happened.
That happened to me, right?
I used to live
with two other comedians,
my homeys, my friends
Meechie and Wildcat,
my comedy roommates,
my brothers I came up with...
love to death.
I had this girlfriend,
I remember...
I remember...
so this a true story.
We was leaving Riddles.
Y'all remember Riddles,
back on, you know, 159th?
Riddles is still here,
but the one that was out there.
And we in the car,
and I don't know what the fuck
the conversation went to,
but he called her a bitch.
He's like, "Shut up, bitch,"
And so she pulled over
and kicked him out the car.
This nigga like,
"Yeah, Rel, let's go."
I said...
"The fuck I gotta leave for,
"You the one called her a bitch.
That's my girl, nigga."
You know, it's one
of those seats you gotta p...
They gotta push you up,
you know?
Nigga pulled that shit
hard as fuck on my back.
"A'ight, cool."
Soon as I get to the crib,
this nigga...
I'm at the crib, chilling.
He show up.
Nigga walking down 159th
for, like, two hours.
He come in the house,
like, ready, nigga.
Like, "Yo, what's up, nigga?"
I said, "What's up, nigga?"
Said, "Man, you a motherfu...
you supposed to get out
the car with me."
Like, "Nigga,
I didn't call her a bitch.
You did, sir."
He's like, "Man, fuck that."
So, you know, we start arguing.
We get to fighting.
This nigga whupping my ass.
Meechie beat the fuck out of me.
He one of them niggas
with the rusty knuckles,
the ones that no matter
how much lotion
they put on that shit,
it's just...
that nigga could fight!
Whupped my ass, but he didn't
knock me the fuck out, okay?
If you gon' whup my ass,
you ain't gon' turn your back.
He had me.
I'm on the ground
and knocked him down and shit.
He just turn around,
like, "Yeah,"
and I just motherfucking...
nigga, little...
I jumped on this nigga neck,
put my legs around him,
and choked.
This nigga went to sleep.
I thought the nigga was dead.
I remember Wildcat.
I'll never forget
Wildcat said this shit.
This is... he said,
"Hey, man, look,
if this nigga dead,
you better get a ride
to the West Side, 'cause
I'm about to call the police.
Verbatim, what that nigga said.
"You better get a ride
to the West Side."
He knew I had to go far
to get away,
you know what I mean, like...
My point of saying that shit
is, you don't fucking just...
that's why, like,
when the white nigga...
nigga walked away and sat down?
Nigga, I'm not saying if that
was me, it would've been...
it really... nigga,
first of all,
even if I stood on that stage,
I'd have just been
yelling at everybody,
saying, "Ain't nobody
gonna say shit!
"Tyler Perry, fucking Denzel...
"Come on, man, you the OG.
Nigga, you ain't gon' say shit?
"The nigga hit me
in front of everybody!
Ain't nobody gonna do nothing?"
That's how I knew it was real,
when Will sat back down
and I saw Lupita's face.
She made them "Us" eyes.
She was like...
Like, "Aw, shit.
That was real!"
Y'all laughing.
Man, this fucking...
these motherfuckers acting
fucking crazy out here.
Everybody losing
they fucking shit.
You think shit get better
once you get a couple dollars
and you move out,
move away and...
hell no.
Even with the...
this gon' sound crazy.
This is random as fuck, but
this is what I going through.
[audience member
shouts indistinctly]
Okay, cool.
Nigga, this ain't Eastside High.
Shit, I ain't Joe Clark, nigga.
[as Freeman] That's why
I threw those bastards out,
and that's all I got to say!
Every time a nigga yell,
I think about "Lean on Me."
That movie is too real.
Have you rewatched that movie?
I know this is me veering off,
but it don't even
feel like it was a movie.
It feel like those
are real students
and, like,
a few actors was there,
'cause niggas
was just yelling out shit.
"He a joke, son!
You ain't gon' do shit!"
what the fuck line is that?
That nigga just yelled that.
Nigga got a mic, said,
"Yeah, boy, who got the crabs?"
I'm like,
"They couldn't have writ...
I know that wasn't written."
That movie made me
wanna be a actor and shit,
because you remember when old
girl got kicked out the house
by her mama
and she was sitting
at the principal's office?
I'ma tell you, she acted...
her and the mama
both acted their ass off
for those two scenes.
Mr. Clark: "What's wrong?"
"I got no place to live."
"My mama don't want me
no more."
And then they go
to the next scene...
one of the saddest songs
I've ever heard.
'Cause I
[singing unintelligibly]
As time goes
Now, I thought she overacted.
Oh, hell no!
We ain't get to the mama.
She should've got a fucking
Oscar for this shit!
She was like this.
[with raspy voice]
Used to come home at night.
Didn't have no light.
So the welfare people came over,
and I was like, "Fine,"
because I didn't want her
to see me like this no more!
[normally] Damn!
I'm like,
"How many fucking takes
did they do of that shit?"
Did she get a aneurysm
She was like, "No more!
No more!"
I watched that movie
like a comedy, shit.
It was like everybody had these
intense moments for no reason.
Remember the piano lady,
the big lady that played...
Mr. Clark: "Who authorized you
to change the school song?
Did I authorize you?"
"No, you didn't."
Even when we get to the end,
she's singing the song.
That shit was intense!
That lady was
sweating her ass off!
This a fucking movie.
They didn't wipe her sweat off
or nothing!
Feel like hair and makeup quit.
You know, "She keep going.
I'm done.
"I'm out.
I got no more
powder things for that."
She sang the fuck out that song.
[with raspy voice]
Time in our lives
We all have faith, we
[normally] And she had
that wig, and it kept moving.
[with raspy voice]
But if we are wise
We know that there's
all: Always tomorrow
Lean on me
When you're not strong
I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean
[normally] And she's like,
"You can, you can, you can!"
[with raspy voice]
Sista, give me your hand
[normally] Like, that wasn't
even in the real song.
Shit, she made that shit up.
Wasn't no
"you can, you can, you can,"
in the original version.
Y'all sang that shit
like it was the movie, nigga.
Niggas start crying back there.
Damn, y'all funny.
Fuck, I love Chicago.
Shit, I talked to y'all about
roaches earlier, but shit.
The reason why I was doing
that...'cause I just...
I just got a house, and, like,
you be thinking, like,
shit get better
with the bug situation.
You just get different bugs
when you get money.
You know, when you poor,
the roaches...
roaches ain't shit.
You know, roaches...
but they aren't organized.
Roaches be all over the place.
They not friends.
Some niggas in the bread.
Some niggas in the cereal.
There ain't no teamwork shit.
Roaches don't give a fuck.
"Yeah, I'm in the bread.
"What you gon' do about it?
He in the cereal.
"So what?
And I'm in your ear.
So what you gon' do about it?"
"The fuck?
There ain't shit to eat
in here, motherfucker!"
You get some money, you be like,
"Oh, I ain't gon'
have no roaches
'cause I'm good now."
Mm-mm, some new shit...
They are worse
than fucking roaches.
They work together, shit.
You know,
ants be marching together.
They be marching
like a choir and shit
all through
your bathroom and shit.
You don't know
where that pathway started.
"Where the fuck y'all going?"
They got 15 fries.
"Where the fuck
y'all find those fries at?"
We're marching
We're marching up
to your bathroom
That beautiful sink of God
Fucking ants!
I ain't never had
to get an exterminator.
You know, that...
growing up, we just...
you know, you just...
[audience member
shouts indistinctly]
That wasn't even real.
Somebody said Orkin.
That's some real shit.
Yes, true.
But if you live
like your Orkin person
was based off
where you lived at... so...
if you...
If you lived in the hood, nigga,
it was a ghetto
fucking Orkin nigga.
That nigga coming in irritated.
He just start spraying
when he walk in.
"Hold on. Let me see."
"Nigga, we ain't even cover
the fucking furniture up yet."
"Well, that's on you, nigga.
Told y'all
I'd be here at 4:30, shit."
He not even use the Orkin shit.
He using shit you can buy.
Like, "Nigga, that's...
I could've bought
that fucking Raid."
"I know."
"You want the roaches gone,
shut the fuck up!"
Either you had that nigga or
the nigga with the fake spray.
It just make a noise.
You don't see shit
come out of it.
[clicking tongue and grunting]
"Let me look at that, nigga.
"Spray it on me.
Let me see if I feel something.
"Come on.
I don't think
you spraying shit!"
Y'all laughing.
That's some real shit.
But some shit
you don't stay away from.
See, I don't give a fuck
if you have money or not.
You still gonna go
to the dollar store.
You gonna pull up
in a Rolls-Royce
at the Family Dollar...
With all types of shit
coming out of there.
Like, you be like,
"I didn't wanna buy
"these fucking lawn chairs,
but they was there.
I just wanted some lotion."
Nah, fuck Target.
They ain't shit
on Family Dollar.
Niggas that work there
look crazy.
You ever see
the Family Dollar workers?
"You need some help?"
"What you want?
What you looking to get, man?
"Come on.
"You trying to buy some Pampers?
"They over there next to the...
"let me see
where them Pampers at.
Oh, they next to the charcoal,
the Pampers."
No, nothing makes sense how
it's ordered at Dollar store.
"You need a birthday cake?
Oh, it's right over there.
Birthday cake and deodorant."
They be trying to ring you up.
The machines never work
and shit.
Nigga gotta call somebody.
They got a regular phone.
Hey, Francine, you back there?
"How much is...
"How much
are these two-liter pops?
"What the brand on it?
Nah, somebody took the sticker
off of it. Let me see."
"You could just take it,
'cause we can't even
ring it up, so..."
Niggas gon' do nigga shit.
Especially in Atlanta...
Atlanta Black as fuck.
When I went to a Black
Benihana, I was like,
"Okay, y'all niggas
going too far here."
There wasn't a Asian person
in that Benihana.
Them niggas all
look like they ain't
wanna work there and shit.
My waitress tried
to use the language,
like, "Konnichiwa.
What you want to drink?"
What you want to drink...
to drink?"
What you want to drink?"
Yo, what the fuck
you saying, nigga?
I could tell them niggas
didn't wanna work there
when the chef came out.
That nigga was
just dragging his cart
like he didn't give a fuck.
Just talking shit.
"I didn't even get
"my fucking check this week.
I'ma cook this shit the best
way I can until I get paid!"
Nigga had a whole attitude.
He like, "Oh, fu...
I forgot the meats."
He reading off everybody order
with a attitude.
"You had..."
"Fuck, you have steak, chicken,
fried rice... extra butter?"
"You had... you don't want
the shrimp cooked next...
"man, nah,
a'ight, a'ight, whatever.
I was like, "Goddamn."
That nigga was
pissed the fuck off.
He didn't give us
a show or nothing!
He was like, "Oh."
He was just doing shit
'cause he's supposed to say it.
"Anybody celebrating anything?"
"Oh, it's my wife's birthday."
"A'ight, well, cool."
"You're not gonna do
the choo-choo train?"
"Nah, nigga,
you gon' get onions."
And the food was good.
That's the crazy part.
The nigga cooked his ass off.
And a couple was like,
"Oh, my God,
"you're such a great chef.
We would love for you
to come to our house."
"No, nigga,
I don't do house calls, nigga.
"You think I cook at home?
This just a job, motherfucker."
This nigga angry, shit.
When he was done,
he done grabbed the cart
with a attitude,
and he dragged it this way.
He got mad and left.
When he was done,
he did it the right way
but pissed off.
"All right, everybody a'ight?"
Somebody yelled out, "You
forgot to clean the grill."
Nigga, that nigga
just threw the water on there.
He didn't give a fuck
it was popping all of us.
Black-ass Benihana.
Then I'm excited too, yeah.
Like, I got...
well, I guess I could say it
on here and edit it out.
Because I be getting
these amazing roles
out of nowhere,
and it's fucking beautiful
and shit, right?
[cheers and applause]
Well, I do.
Like, right now,
I'm shooting a movie,
and I'm playing Santa Claus.
You niggas don't even
believe me, so never mind.
All right.
"How you gon' play Santa Claus,
I am... just wearing
the fat suit, shit.
'Cause I'ma tell you something.
I got my shit together.
I got in shape.
I wanted to look good,
'cause it's easy to be
a bigger motherfucker
than smaller.
But it ain't just
about physicality.
It's about mental health too.
I'm being real.
Like, I go to therapy
every Tuesday.
I'm just a happy motherfucker.
This is what happiness
look like.
[cheers and applause]
Straight up.
'Cause you could always tell
when a nigga doing it correctly,
and you know who ain't
doing it correctly, right?
My shit all match...
my head, my body, everything.
Come on, now.
You gotta see Al Sharpton.
That shit don't go together.
I don't give a fuck
what nobody say.
I can't hear
that nigga speeches no more.
Nigga neck be...
[as Sharpton] And we need
to stand up to the police!
You ought to just do
a podcast, nigga.
I can't watch you talk no more,
That nigga head loose as fuck.
Al Sharpton's
a weird motherfucker, though.
He... I appreciate
everything he's done
for our community and for us,
but, man, that nigga...
I guess when he lost the weight,
he thought he was cool.
He have a new,
young girlfriend and shit.
This nigga
did the weirdest shit.
I'm not gonna tell y'all
what show I was at,
who I was with, but this is
the funniest story of all time.
Okay, went to...
he was backstage,
and he wanted to meet
this young rapper
that's dope as fuck... from here.
He came backstage
to meet him and shit.
But nobody wanted
to talk to this nigga.
You know,
young people don't really
fuck with Al Sharpton like that.
"Man, fuck that nigga
Al Sharpton."
I'm like, "Damn, for real?"
'Cause all the old rappers
was talking to him.
They did the prayer hands
and shit and high fives.
Young nigga:
"Man, fuck that nigga.
Tell that nigga
I don't wanna talk to him."
So they sent my homeboy out.
He was a comedian.
He came out there,
and I'll never forget.
I remember watching.
I didn't know
what was being said.
I just remember Al Sharpton
being kind of cornered,
'cause I could see
his head, like, moving.
And my friend
got his hand on the wall,
like, doing all this crazy shit.
And then this when I knew
Al Sharpton was all bullshit.
This is a true story.
He was so embarrassed,
he tried to act
like his phone rang,
but he had it upside down.
My nigga was like,
"Nigga, you not even
talking to nobody!"
He noticed, and he was like...
"God bless you,"
and he just walked his head.
Oh, man.
It's a true story.
Ah, shit.
I think I'm gon'
get the fuck out of here.
It's been about a hour.
That's what's funny
about the world today.
Nobody wanna work no more.
Motherfuckers is like,
"Niggas is done working."
Like, "Shit, if I ain't gotta,
I ain't gotta.
"Shit, it's a free comedy show?
I'm there, nigga, shit."
"Thank you, Lil Rel, shit.
"I wasn't gonna pay for shit.
I don't work no more.
I don't want to."
Niggas is quitting
while they there.
They be at a drive-through,
"I can't hear you, sir."
"I said I want a"...
"You know, sir, I quit!"
I'm like, "What?
The motherfucker
come walk past your car,
hands you the headset.
"You do it."
"Goddamn, a'ight."
Can't give a nigga
a job no more.
That's 'cause everybody
trying to start a business.
But every business
ain't a real business.
Like, "Man, I'm about to sell
these popsicles, man.
Only grape."
"Who the fuck
gon' buy that shit?"
"Ain't nobody selling
only grapes, though.
Come on, fam."
Only grape.
A'ight, well...
Oh, y'all thought
I was bullshitting.
I know what time it is, shit.
You know what's funny?
I didn't wanna end
on a huge joke, because
I just wanted to take this in.
That's what I wanna do.
[cheers and applause]
This is fucking crazy.
I'm from the West Side
of Chicago.
I went to Crane High School.
Me and my family used to walk
up and down
this fucking State Street...
back-to-school shopping,
Christmas shopping,
going to the Taste.
Looking at this building
and seeing my name
in fucking lights
is insane.
[cheers and applause]
There's a lot of people
I'ma dedicate this show to,
probably in the credits,
but the person I really wanna
show love to is the king,
Bernie motherfucking Mac.
[cheers and applause]
So this show here
is for Bernie Mac, man,
for real.
I had so much fun, y'all.
I love y'all.
I'm Lil Rel.
That's my time, y'all.
Peace out.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
[Crucial Conflict's "Hay"]

Smoking on hay
all: Hay
in the middle of the barn
Smoking on hay
all: Hay
in the middle of the barn
Smoking on hay
all: Hay
in the middle of the barn
Sitting on
a quarter P of hay
Things is
feeling good today
I'm tore up
from the floor up
on some Crown Royal
in a circle of wood
Where everybody
smoke they own bud
Good old hay,
how you feel today
Fine, blowed, and dandy
Silly like
I'm hype off candy
Got a big, thick chick
named Sandy
In the farm
in the middle of the barn
Where everybody's
feeling crazy
I went
to visit Granny's house
Now I see
why don't nobody leave
We constantly, constantly,
constantly smoking Bs
Too blitzed
to even shake it off
But still,
I got my head up
Cold-hard finna go
in the back of the barn
And get my big
Black peter sucked
Pass the hay,
you silly slut
Blaze it up
so I can hit that bud
Get me zoned,
and I'll be on
'Cause I love
to smoke up on hay
all: Hay
in the middle of the barn
Smoking on
[bright tone]