Lily and Jim (1997) Movie Script
1
Geez, I don't even know
where to begin.
I just can't figure out men.
Remember how in first grade,
little boys would chase
little girls around the playground?
But whenever they'd catch one,
they'd get all confused and
embarrassed and wouldn't know
what to do with them?
That's... basically my love life.
Um... well, my dating track record
has always been a little, uh...
less than satisfactory, I guess.
Asking girls out has always
scared the hell out of me
because I'd always... you know,
say the wrong things
and get embarrassed and stuff.
I guess I've always had sort of
a self-esteem problem?
I don't think I'm very attractive anyway,
compared to most of my friends.
I'm usually introduced
as someone with...
you know, a great personality
or something.
They said she had a great personality,
so I was pretty excited
about meeting her.
It was my first blind date
and I was pretty nervous that he...
you know, wouldn't like me
or I'd screw up somehow.
I just wanted to make a
good first impression.
I'd never gone on a blind date before,
and I really didn't think
it was a good idea.
But I figured I'd give the whole
relationship thing one more shot.
I really had nothing left to lose, you know?
Noisy restaurant
Um...
A friend of mine recommended
this restaurant.
He said it was really romantic.
Yeah, it... it's nice.
Baby crying
What does your friend do?
He's an economic analyst.
Oh.
I once knew someone
who had a dog.
I don't think she ever ate
at this restaurant though.
Have you ever eaten here before?
Nope! No, first time.
Yeah. Heh. Me too.
I heard the lobster's pretty good.
Mmm, great!
Yeah.
Did... did you see that show last night?
What show?
You know, with that guy,
that funny guy.
Ummmm
What's that show called, you know,
it's on channel four...
You know, that guy...
that guy with the things?
You know, those things on his head?
Nnn..
That show.
No, w-why, what...
what happened on it last night?
Oh... it was really funny.
Oh!...
My cable got shut off last night
so I...I didn't really...
I didn't see much... um...
Well... but I have a neighbor
that does, uh...
it's kinda...
He does sock puppet theater.
It's cool cuz he used to play soccer
so he's got lots of these really
different colored kinda socks.
Have you ever done this before?
Hm? Done... done what?
This whole blind date thing.
No, uh, this is actually my first one.
Yeah, me too.
Loud slurping
loud slurping
Hmmm
Hmmm!
Awkward laugh
Hmmm!
Hmmm!
awkward laugh
So, uh, where do you work?
I heard you were in computers.
Yeah! Yeah, I work for Raytech Systems.
Mmm.
Right now I'm developing new packet
drivers for a binary protocol system
my friend is programming.
Huh.
You see, we've been experiencing
a lot of difficulty resolving the lPs
It turns out that our
ISDN wires were crossed.
So, our network tech thought
that a T1 or T2 would've been too quick
for our C7 chip processor
so we're going back to basics.
Right.
Wow, heh heh, how about that.
Y-yeah.
I read somewhere that most
middle-aged Americans
have ten pounds of undigested
red meat in their colons.
Hmm! Mhm... Hmmm.
You know, that's really interesting
cuz my father has a lot of
blood in his stool.
Hmmm! Heh heh...
Are your parents from around here?
No...
Um, my parents were
incinerated when I was three.
Oh.
Yeah...
awkward laugh
Seen any good movies lately?
Yeah! Yeah I caught the new one downtown
uh, that new, uh...
Holocaust film.
Oh.
Yeaaahh...
Yeah it was...
pretty neat.
I'm not much of a conversationalist,
but I think things were going
pretty well, otherwise.
God, I hate small talk.
Clears throat
Hm.
Loud slurping
awkward laughs
Hmm, heh.
So... heh...
Yeah... heh...
Yeah.... soooo...
clears throat
Do you have any gum?
After dinner, we left the restaurant
and couldn't really think of
anything good to do.
Crickets
So what do you feel like doing now?
Uhhh... geez.
I don't know, um...
W-what do you wanna do?
Um... well, we... we could umm...
Hmm.
I don't know, I...
Yeah...
You know...
I'm really up for
just about anything.
Uh... yeah! Yeah, me too, uh...
Do you drink coffee?
Ummm.
No. Not really.
Oh...
Because I thought maybe we could
go back to my apartment
for some coffee or something.
I would love some coffee.
She had a pretty nice apartment.
After we got there we sat and talked and...
drank coffee. Heh.
I really don't like coffee
and actually I'm extremely
allergic to the caffeine.
But, you know...
I didn't want to ruin
the evening or anything.
Nnh.
How's your coffee?
Heh... strong.
Is it?
Yeah I-it's good though...
I mean, you... you make a
pretty mean cup of coffee, heh.
Awkward laugh
Thanks. Yeah I guess I...
I kind of like it strong.
Yeah.
Heh.
Um.
You been drinking coffee long...? Uh..
Awkward laugh
You know, I was, um...
watching TV last night?
Uh huh.
And... have you seen that show...
You know, that show with... with the lady?
And she has like this crazy red curly hair?
And she always runs around, like,
and opens doors and slams them
into people's faces
do you know what I'm talking about?
Like, the "I Love Lucy" show?
No,no,no,no,no,
it's like a newer show.
Oh!
Actually I really liked Lucy.
Really.
Yes.
My mom used to kind of look like Lucy.
She did?
Well, not like Lucy when she was like,
crushing-the-grapes Lucy?
Yeah?
But, like...
you know the one with the candy
and she was putting it in her blouse?
Yeah,yeah,yeah!
Yeah my mom ate a lot.
You have very beautiful eyes.
Thanks.
Wanna watch TV?
Sure.
Loud, ridiculous sex noises
Blah blah-blah blah blah, blah
blah blah blah blah-blah blah blah
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Explosions
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
There wasn't really anything good on TV.
I turned off the TV and that's when
I noticed that he looked really sick.
I had a really bad allergic reaction
to all the caffeine I drank, and um...
my face kinda got swollen and bloated.
I was feeling kind of nauseous
and was having trouble breathing.
Are you okay?
Yeah! Yeah I'm fine, uh...
how are you doin'?
It... it's just that your face is all... puffy.
Really?
Yeah!
Huh. I... I feel okay.
You sure?
Yeah I'm... I'm doin' great.
Would you like some more coffee?
I would love some more coffee.
And I... I don't remember too much after that.
He passed out on my couch.
We exchanged phone numbers in the hospital
and, well...
that was that.
I wanted to call her
and ask her out again, but I...
Darn it, I...I just don't think I made
a very good first impression.
He was really cute and I'd
like to see him again, but--
I don't think he liked me very much.
I mean, if she was interested she
would've called me by now, right?
Whatever, I mean, it's not like
we were meant for each other
on some... some cosmic level or anything.
Women just don't understand me.
Come to think of it, this is a problem
that a lot of women seem to have.
He probably would've eventually dumped me
and I'd just realize what another pathetic,
emotional delusion this whole
dating thing was in the first place.
What a jerk!
You know, relationships are a lot like
those little packets of condiments
you get at fast food restaurants.
They're these little magical things
that can last forever on a shelf
but once you open them up
they go bad really fast.
Sigh
I just don't understand condiments.
Piano music
Geez, I don't even know
where to begin.
I just can't figure out men.
Remember how in first grade,
little boys would chase
little girls around the playground?
But whenever they'd catch one,
they'd get all confused and
embarrassed and wouldn't know
what to do with them?
That's... basically my love life.
Um... well, my dating track record
has always been a little, uh...
less than satisfactory, I guess.
Asking girls out has always
scared the hell out of me
because I'd always... you know,
say the wrong things
and get embarrassed and stuff.
I guess I've always had sort of
a self-esteem problem?
I don't think I'm very attractive anyway,
compared to most of my friends.
I'm usually introduced
as someone with...
you know, a great personality
or something.
They said she had a great personality,
so I was pretty excited
about meeting her.
It was my first blind date
and I was pretty nervous that he...
you know, wouldn't like me
or I'd screw up somehow.
I just wanted to make a
good first impression.
I'd never gone on a blind date before,
and I really didn't think
it was a good idea.
But I figured I'd give the whole
relationship thing one more shot.
I really had nothing left to lose, you know?
Noisy restaurant
Um...
A friend of mine recommended
this restaurant.
He said it was really romantic.
Yeah, it... it's nice.
Baby crying
What does your friend do?
He's an economic analyst.
Oh.
I once knew someone
who had a dog.
I don't think she ever ate
at this restaurant though.
Have you ever eaten here before?
Nope! No, first time.
Yeah. Heh. Me too.
I heard the lobster's pretty good.
Mmm, great!
Yeah.
Did... did you see that show last night?
What show?
You know, with that guy,
that funny guy.
Ummmm
What's that show called, you know,
it's on channel four...
You know, that guy...
that guy with the things?
You know, those things on his head?
Nnn..
That show.
No, w-why, what...
what happened on it last night?
Oh... it was really funny.
Oh!...
My cable got shut off last night
so I...I didn't really...
I didn't see much... um...
Well... but I have a neighbor
that does, uh...
it's kinda...
He does sock puppet theater.
It's cool cuz he used to play soccer
so he's got lots of these really
different colored kinda socks.
Have you ever done this before?
Hm? Done... done what?
This whole blind date thing.
No, uh, this is actually my first one.
Yeah, me too.
Loud slurping
loud slurping
Hmmm
Hmmm!
Awkward laugh
Hmmm!
Hmmm!
awkward laugh
So, uh, where do you work?
I heard you were in computers.
Yeah! Yeah, I work for Raytech Systems.
Mmm.
Right now I'm developing new packet
drivers for a binary protocol system
my friend is programming.
Huh.
You see, we've been experiencing
a lot of difficulty resolving the lPs
It turns out that our
ISDN wires were crossed.
So, our network tech thought
that a T1 or T2 would've been too quick
for our C7 chip processor
so we're going back to basics.
Right.
Wow, heh heh, how about that.
Y-yeah.
I read somewhere that most
middle-aged Americans
have ten pounds of undigested
red meat in their colons.
Hmm! Mhm... Hmmm.
You know, that's really interesting
cuz my father has a lot of
blood in his stool.
Hmmm! Heh heh...
Are your parents from around here?
No...
Um, my parents were
incinerated when I was three.
Oh.
Yeah...
awkward laugh
Seen any good movies lately?
Yeah! Yeah I caught the new one downtown
uh, that new, uh...
Holocaust film.
Oh.
Yeaaahh...
Yeah it was...
pretty neat.
I'm not much of a conversationalist,
but I think things were going
pretty well, otherwise.
God, I hate small talk.
Clears throat
Hm.
Loud slurping
awkward laughs
Hmm, heh.
So... heh...
Yeah... heh...
Yeah.... soooo...
clears throat
Do you have any gum?
After dinner, we left the restaurant
and couldn't really think of
anything good to do.
Crickets
So what do you feel like doing now?
Uhhh... geez.
I don't know, um...
W-what do you wanna do?
Um... well, we... we could umm...
Hmm.
I don't know, I...
Yeah...
You know...
I'm really up for
just about anything.
Uh... yeah! Yeah, me too, uh...
Do you drink coffee?
Ummm.
No. Not really.
Oh...
Because I thought maybe we could
go back to my apartment
for some coffee or something.
I would love some coffee.
She had a pretty nice apartment.
After we got there we sat and talked and...
drank coffee. Heh.
I really don't like coffee
and actually I'm extremely
allergic to the caffeine.
But, you know...
I didn't want to ruin
the evening or anything.
Nnh.
How's your coffee?
Heh... strong.
Is it?
Yeah I-it's good though...
I mean, you... you make a
pretty mean cup of coffee, heh.
Awkward laugh
Thanks. Yeah I guess I...
I kind of like it strong.
Yeah.
Heh.
Um.
You been drinking coffee long...? Uh..
Awkward laugh
You know, I was, um...
watching TV last night?
Uh huh.
And... have you seen that show...
You know, that show with... with the lady?
And she has like this crazy red curly hair?
And she always runs around, like,
and opens doors and slams them
into people's faces
do you know what I'm talking about?
Like, the "I Love Lucy" show?
No,no,no,no,no,
it's like a newer show.
Oh!
Actually I really liked Lucy.
Really.
Yes.
My mom used to kind of look like Lucy.
She did?
Well, not like Lucy when she was like,
crushing-the-grapes Lucy?
Yeah?
But, like...
you know the one with the candy
and she was putting it in her blouse?
Yeah,yeah,yeah!
Yeah my mom ate a lot.
You have very beautiful eyes.
Thanks.
Wanna watch TV?
Sure.
Loud, ridiculous sex noises
Blah blah-blah blah blah, blah
blah blah blah blah-blah blah blah
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Explosions
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
There wasn't really anything good on TV.
I turned off the TV and that's when
I noticed that he looked really sick.
I had a really bad allergic reaction
to all the caffeine I drank, and um...
my face kinda got swollen and bloated.
I was feeling kind of nauseous
and was having trouble breathing.
Are you okay?
Yeah! Yeah I'm fine, uh...
how are you doin'?
It... it's just that your face is all... puffy.
Really?
Yeah!
Huh. I... I feel okay.
You sure?
Yeah I'm... I'm doin' great.
Would you like some more coffee?
I would love some more coffee.
And I... I don't remember too much after that.
He passed out on my couch.
We exchanged phone numbers in the hospital
and, well...
that was that.
I wanted to call her
and ask her out again, but I...
Darn it, I...I just don't think I made
a very good first impression.
He was really cute and I'd
like to see him again, but--
I don't think he liked me very much.
I mean, if she was interested she
would've called me by now, right?
Whatever, I mean, it's not like
we were meant for each other
on some... some cosmic level or anything.
Women just don't understand me.
Come to think of it, this is a problem
that a lot of women seem to have.
He probably would've eventually dumped me
and I'd just realize what another pathetic,
emotional delusion this whole
dating thing was in the first place.
What a jerk!
You know, relationships are a lot like
those little packets of condiments
you get at fast food restaurants.
They're these little magical things
that can last forever on a shelf
but once you open them up
they go bad really fast.
Sigh
I just don't understand condiments.
Piano music