Little Bitches (2018) Movie Script
Can't believe we brought them,
Marisa.
This is crazy stuff.
Can you guys just trust me?
I've been planning
this all year.
Why are you laughing?
It's not funny.
Okay, you're not cute.
You're disgusting.
Guys, let's never be like that.
No.
Let's just be us.
We're so cool as we are.
I love me.
Man, last year, when
the senior girls caught freshmen
they made them
deep-throat bananas.
What?
Like, unpeeled?
Yes, unpeeled bananas.
Down their throat,
scraping those throats.
Ugh!
It's so deep.
I could do, like, peeled though.
That would... that would,
like, be sexy.
Like, mushy.
Sexy? No, no.
I don't know.
Dude, I can't believe
we're doing this.
We're like the three Amigos.
We're like Charlie's Angels
or TLC.
Oh, my god. Dude, I always
wanted to be left eye.
I love that you said that.
Rest in peace, my nigga.
Ninja warrior for life.
No, she can say it.
I said it. I can.
Let's send these
bitches off right.
God, I'm tired of their shit.
Let's do this.
No. What?
No, no, no.
They're gonna destroy us.
No, when they caught
the freshmen,
the entire year,
they did this to them:
Is that a blow job?
Yes, blow job.
They do that.
Right. For sure. That's so
humiliating for that to be...
Oh, god.
We're gonna be fine.
Stick to the plan.
We're gonna stay low,
hide behind parked cars.
Keep up the pace.
Okay, Annie?
I have to fart, but I feel
like I might shit myself.
Hold it in.
I'm gonna hold it in.
You don't wanna ruin that
with a poop stain.
You keep that in there.
I'll try.
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
I think we just
found this year's
banana-blow-job
bitches, bitches.
Are you ready, bitches?
I've asked you so many times
not to do that.
Hey, Sarah.
I'm Marisa.
For sure.
Uh, I know we just met, but I...
I have a question.
Before or after this is halfway
down your throat?
I'm gonna ask before.
Okay.
Um, congratulations.
You guys obviously
got into unis, but...
Bitches.
But what's up with state?
Did you aim high
and fall a little short?
Or was that the plan?
Of course I wanted to go.
My parents went to state.
Their parents went to state,
and their parents went.
It's really well-known.
Yeah, I'm a legacy there.
No, yeah, totally.
God, I'm... I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to, like,
offend you.
Banana blow job, bitches.
I really don't
wanna blow a banana.
I have, like, three months'
worth of Adderall, ha, ha.
Would you want that?
Okay.
Okay, well, you're gonna have
to catch it first, bitch.
Fuck you, hos!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god. Annie!
It wasn't even Adderall,
you guys.
It was fucking ibuprofen.
Oh, my god!
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
You got this, girl.
You got this.
It's gonna be okay.
Oh, that was so cool!
That was so fucking cool.
It was invigorating.
That was so cool.
I cannot believe we did that.
Fuck, yes.
We are such cool best friends.
What? Let's always
be this way.
Let's always be this cool
and this there for each other.
Oh, my god.
Yes.
Dude, in our senior year,
we're not gonna do
any of that bullshit
either, okay?
And I think we should open
our college acceptance letters
together at the end
of that stupid party.
Really?
Yes.
That's a great idea.
That's amazing.
It'd be so meaningful.
It's dope, I like it.
Right? Aw.
Yeah.
You know what it's time for?
I know what you're gonna say.
You're gonna say, like,
"a group hug"?
It's time for a group hug.
Is it group hug time, Annie?
Group hug.
Get in here.
I love you guys.
Grandma, is this new?
Yes, indeed-y.
And it is fire.
Went to the pharmacy Friday.
Okay.
This one is yours.
Thank you, baby doll.
You gonna open that, sweetie?
No.
All right, stay bad, gram.
Just promise me you'll wait to
smoke that until after school.
I promise.
She gonna smoke it.
Pretty sure your hands are
supposed to be under your butt.
Hey, where's your letter?
I've got a letter v right here.
No, your college letter.
Okay, Annie,
I really don't wanna deal
with the bullshit today.
Like, I'm just trying to chill.
I'm sorry.
Oh.
Yes, please,
give me a hit of that.
What, you woke up with asthma?
I'm pretty sure I did.
I've been just so out of whack.
Why are you doing Kegels?
Do you just know
if you have a tight vagina?
Yeah, it just, like, depends,
I guess, on the day.
I know that, like,
your vagina, like, looks
really messed up
after you have kids,
along with your butthole, so...
How does your butthole
look different?
Sometimes it just rips
and becomes one giant hole.
I'm serious.
I do my Kegels in silence.
You don't have to do that.
You don't.
You can sit
and do it in silence.
You can do it in class.
You look like you're gonna shit.
I am. I'm peeking a little bit.
I do have to poop.
God.
Kelly waited. We're gonna open
our envelopes together.
She waited. It's gonna be
the best moment of our lives.
Annie, okay, look.
I'm gonna give you
until 10 a.m.
To get your shit together
and get this out of your system.
The bitch hasn't talked to you
in two years.
We're not friends. I just...
I don't... I don't have time.
So when you're ready,
you let me know.
Okay. Love you.
Sorry I'm late,
Ms. Walker.
I'm never late,
especially on my period.
I have a uterus
like a wristwatch.
Funny you say that.
I've been told I have a uterus
the shape of a baseball glove
clenching an acorn.
Anyway, how's that application
to Cornell coming?
Well, my parents love it,
but they love everything I do.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Um, when are you gonna
cut the bullshit?
Sorry?
The bullshit, honey.
I'm a college counselor, okay?
A teacher of tomorrow?
Oh, that's intense.
You bet your puffy, little
nipples it's intense, okay?
Puffy, that is totally
what they are.
I have your file right here.
Know what's in there?
Phenomenal GPA.
Test scores through the roof.
You're a concert-level cellist.
And, yet, what did you write
your personal statement about?
On a pledge that me, Marisa,
and Kelly made freshman year.
Oh, right. That hair brained
banana-blow-job pact.
"Look at us.
We made a pact
to open our
college letters together.
What's gonna happen?
Oh, boy.
Even though we got
the letters months ago,
and our poor parents
need to put deposits down
to hold our spots."
It's selfish.
It's a personal statement.
Personal, okay? You wrote about
two other people.
It's important to me.
It's ridiculous.
You should be ashamed.
Congratulations!
Oh, my god.
Wow, that's a lot of balloons,
mom. Thank you.
I know. I know.
Nobody is surprised.
Your dad is making pancakes with
little Stanford S's on them.
He's hungry
after the night we had.
Oh, my god.
That's a good one.
Right?
That's a good one, mom.
You don't have to
give me a high-five.
I'm gonna...
No. Oh, okay.
Why don't we have
your first breakfast
as a Stanford girl?
Oh, don't cry.
"Stanford girl"?
Really,
we're gonna call me that?
We're gonna call you
"Stanford girl."
Don't cry. You can't
I don't wanna call you
your first name.
I wanna call you "Stanford
girl," oh, my goodness.
- I love you so much. I can't...
- I love you too.
Congratulations, seniors.
We've made it through
another school year.
Just remember that
today is your last day
to put your pictures up
on the college board map.
That's where we can see
where you're all going,
so we can all stay in touch.
On behalf of the entire
faculty, I just wanna say
how proud and honored I am
to have taught all of you,
and see you blossom into
the adults that I know you are.
I wanna get your pussy filled.
Okay.
Yeah.
You have so many
questions about sex.
We should get you some answers.
So?
Phil. Philly Cheesesteak!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Legland.
Hey.
What's good with you girls?
Hey.
Y'all chilling?
Chill... yeah. Just hanging out
and talking, you know?
I feel you.
I feel you.
Yo, y'all hip
to this new thug tape?
Yo, gangster shit.
Doesn't come out for a minute.
I got it two weeks early.
So you're, like,
ahead of the curve.
I mean, it's like, you know,
a culture, gangster shit.
You're on the pulse.
I'm sorry, what?
Like you know what's up
before it's up.
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah, you can call me hip.
Got it.
Yeah, that's exactly it.
One hundred, one hundred.
Right, yeah. I dig.
Good for you.
We're just trying to figure out
where the party is tonight.
Oh, yeah, me too.
I asked some dude.
He just called me a boner.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm not...
I'm not mad at him.
Not tripping.
I laugh at bullies, you know?
That's so cool.
Annie's status is "sometimes
my feet smell and my nose runs.
Does that mean
I was built upside down?"
Ugh. Sometimes
she's so stupid,
I think we should
worry about her,
but then I'm like, "nah."
That is so stupid.
It doesn't even make sense.
Like, I don't even get it.
Kelly, I cannot believe
you used to be friends
with those girls.
Yeah, it was a while ago.
You're so much better than them.
I mean, look at them.
They're so ugly
and kind of dusty-looking.
Seriously, Kelly,
how have you not told anyone
where you're going to college?
People are, like,
getting pissed.
You girls gonna be around
this summer?
Yes. Yeah.
Both of us will be.
I will be. She will be.
Both of us.
I'm... I'm
chilling too.
I'd love to hang...
Hang out, if you guys are down.
Sweet. I wanna hang.
I love food.
Me too.
- Sweet, sounds awesome.
- Definitely.
Great. Cool.
Great.
I'm, uh,
I'm gonna roll out, guys.
Sweet.
Awesome.
Good talking to you.
Likewise. Okay.
I'm sorry.
I went for another one.
She is so fucking gangster.
I can't even.
Later.
Annie, dude!
He's got fucking skinny legs.
You know what they say about
guys with skinny legs.
What do they say?
Big old dicks.
Really?
Yeah.
Do you think he has a big dick?
I don't know, man.
I wonder if it has
lots of veins in it.
Dicks have veins?
You haven't applied to
a single college, Marisa.
Yeah.
You literally think you're
too cool for school,
what, 'cause
your parents got divorced?
Everyone's parents get divorced.
We all know you went to go live
with your mom for two years.
Okay, you're back now,
and you're mine.
You wanna know
what I did in high school?
Yes. Please.
Tell me.
I gained 60 pounds in 12 days.
What?
Okay, the doctors were stunned.
I was on the evening news,
which was kind of great.
Listen, you have
to go to college, okay?
You don't have any skills.
Okay. Thanks.
Let me guess, you're gonna start
going by the name "tangerine"?
Start writing,
like, a feminist blog?
Get out of my... go!
Get out of my office.
What...?
Get out!
Really?
No, don't actually go.
Just stay but listen.
Keep your panties on, tangerine.
We've got a couple
of lessons to learn.
Marisa, could I get
a lorazepam, or an ativan,
or even, like, a Tylenol pm?
I just feel really nervous.
I wanna, but, uh, after I
gave something to that freshman,
his mom put him in rehab.
Thinks he's a drug addict.
You kind of did him a favor,
though, 'cause rehab's cool now.
I mean, I wanna go to rehab.
It would give me street cred.
What would you go for?
Not alcohol. That's fucked up.
Drugs.
Here's my star.
There she is.
So which university's orchestra
is the lucky winner?
We're dying to know.
Do we know?
Hey, Mr. Warner.
No, we don't know yet.
Because me, Marisa,
and Kelly are waiting
for a special moment
to open our letters.
Um, we decided freshman year
after I almost had to
suck off a banana that
we'd all do it together.
It's a big thing.
But that was before Kelly was
Xena: cunt warrior Princess
though.
Okay.
Let's not...
Stupid bitch.
Well, let's not go...
Jeez, you know?
So where are you girls
going to college?
You've got such vast skills.
Mr. Warner,
do you happen to know
where the party is tonight?
Well, I'm afraid
I can't help you there.
But I have been listening
to some of the kids.
And I did hear, um,
"don't forget to vote."
So not really
sure what that means.
Wow, okay.
Thank you.
I do remember this night
well though.
What you're doing
is you're wondering:
"Is Rebecca Franklin still gonna
want to make out with you
despite the fact
that you puked on her arm
and you scraped up your knee
on the concrete pretty good.
But, no, no, she's off.
She's chasing Trent Richland
with the rest of the girls
and the boys."
Who's Trent Richland?
This is fucking ridiculous.
Stupid kids.
How'd they even get your
phone number?
From Facebook.
I put it up on Facebook.
Big mistake.
This is officer Richland.
Very funny, you little turd.
I can find you.
I can trace the...
Don't give them
the satisfaction, Trent.
I should've shaved.
Fucking went undercover.
Yeah, that would've helped.
These little shits.
Look at them all.
Oh, yep. Yep.
Sorry. Sorry.
Keep walking. Keep walking!
Sorry.
Idiots. I'm gonna fuck
these kids up tonight.
I hope not.
I'm gonna fuck them up tonight.
I really hope you don't.
When you whisper,
it sounds more menacing.
Do me a favor, and stand down.
They're kids having fun at
the end of the year. You know?
You can turn
a blind eye to a party...
"Turn a blind eye," Joe Paterno?
See where that led him?
You see what happened to him?
You idiot.
You're the kind of guy
that thinks Jared from subway
actually just loves
submarine sandwiches.
No, he loved fucking
little boys, okay?
There's something going on, pal.
So keep your
fucking eyes peeled.
Because this party could be
anywhere and nowhere
at the same time.
Why don't we just let
these kids have their moment?
This is my moment.
Okay?
It smells like asparagus.
Kid, did you piss yourself?
I'm sorry.
We can't keep holding this kid
for texting and walking,
which isn't a crime.
His parents could sue us.
They could sue us.
Your parents gonna sue me?
Oh, t-they won't sue.
They're dentists.
They just...
Just let me go.
They're dentists, huh?
Yeah.
That's a good thing.
They're gonna have
to fix your teeth
when I blow them out
of your head.
Oh, shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let me show you something.
Know what this is?
It's a handgun.
Put a fucking hole
in your chest.
Not on purpose.
Where is the party?
Seems like...
Where's the party?
...unnecessary intimidation.
I'm gonna be honest.
I'm gonna be upfront.
I'm, like, usually the last guy
to hear about
this sort of thing.
Uh, like,
I probably wouldn't even go
if I knew where it was.
You know, parties,
they're kind of intimidating.
They scare me.
You're intimidating.
I see through
this kid's bullshit.
He doesn't... yeah?
He's a liar, okay?
He may be a dork
and a skinny, little pussy
who never gets his dick wet,
but I know he knows
where the party is.
You know where it is, don't you?
You're withholding
information from officers.
Know what that is?
A fucking felony.
Not in this case. It isn't.
It's a felony.
Know where you'll end up?
I'm gonna go to jail.
"I'm gonna go to jail."
Not jail, prison.
You're not a little bitch.
They're gonna eat you alive.
They're not.
They're gonna eat your lunch
and your asshole.
Oh, god.
That's what they do.
I think that we should
let him be a student.
We're gonna get you out
in just one second.
Hey, hey, hey.
Look, a group of fives there.
Sounds disrespectful.
What do you think?
I'm gonna talk to the fat one.
Fat ones
always leak information.
I'm gonna interrogate
these broads.
I don't think that's necessary.
All right.
Do you hear that?
That's the pace they're
gonna fuck you in prison.
All right.
Oh, Jesus.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Dick in your butt.
And it never stops.
Hey, ladies!
Let's have a chat.
Come here.
Stop right there.
Let's get you out of here,
brother. Come on.
Dude, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry about all this.
That guy is...
Uh, if you can believe it,
he's my boss.
And I think he's a legitimate
psychopath, so...
Ah, I think my left boob
deflated a bit.
Like, I was feeling my tits
this morning.
And it just feels way smaller
than my right.
I mean, I think that's normal.
One's also normally bigger
than the other.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, that's awesome.
Definitely.
Yeah.
Um, problem though, I don't feel
like I'm getting stimulated
by nipple play.
What?
That's not a problem.
Everyone's stimulated
by different things.
Yeah. I've just been,
like, experimenting.
Touching myself, watching porno.
Wait. What?
Are we doing...? Are you
saying we're doing porn now?
Yeah.
Hell, yeah!
You guys, the map's up.
Yeah? Is it? Cool. Kill
yourself, Dora the explorer.
"Map's up."
I don't give a fuck.
Come on.
Come on, god.
Oh, that's slick.
God, you are stupid as fuck.
So, Kelly, what, you just
gonna milk this all day?
Wait. Kelly, um, did you wait
to open your letter with us?
I actually wanted to talk...
Okay, let's just go.
We don't have time
for these losers.
I'm sorry.
What was that, cunt?
Are you guys gonna go
to the party tonight?
Are you guys going?
We'll be there, but you won't.
Because you're really weird.
I mean, did you even remember
to shower this morning?
No, I did last night.
It's the same. Everyone knows.
Marisa, did you even remember
to apply for college?
I know things
can get hard for you.
Yeah, they do.
They're called dicks.
Dicks get really hard
for me, Brooke.
- It's okay.
- Don't beat yourself up over it.
We don't want that whole
situation happening again.
Oh, when you pissed your bed
in middle school?
That did not happen.
But it did though.
Uh, Annie, sweetheart,
we can tell that your boobs
are two different sizes
in that shirt.
What? How?
Can you really tell?
No.
You're wearing a sports bra.
Why would she say that?
Because she's a bitch,
and she probably
has a secret ball sack.
I would shove his dick
so far down
my fucking esophagus, Annie.
Oh, my god.
That would hurt so bad.
All right, guys.
Jesse.
Yo. Yo, J...
Yo!
Welcome to your last homeroom
of the year!
So here we are,
the last day of the semester.
And I promise,
I don't know where the party is.
And even if I knew,
I'd never tell you.
Though, I really don't get
what's the big deal.
I guess some traditions
keep on growing,
no matter how stupid.
I have to say though,
I wish I saw
half of the creativity
I see in your party clues
in your papers.
You're fucking hilarious.
So for the last time this year,
can anyone spell my last name?
Anyone besides Jorge?
Yeah, just what I thought.
Okay, Mexico is your neighbor,
baronesses.
Oh, you know that one? Good.
So you might wanna think
about learning the language.
Oh, and I suppose
we should probably address this.
Oh, yeah.
They're... they're, ah, tits.
Look, whatever.
Dude, the "beeramyd"
tonight is gonna be epic, okay?
It's gonna be like
the most lit night
in school history ever.
The almighty beeramyd.
So that's it,
you finish high school.
And then you create
this weird monument
to celebrate
your future alcoholism.
Yeah, like current alcoholism.
Look, just, like, take a break
from being, like, divorced
and, like, sad and, like, poor.
You should come tonight.
I mean, like, literally,
what else are you doing?
I honestly don't know
where the party is, really.
And I got some finals to grade.
And gotta say, lately,
a glass of Pinot and I'm out.
I'm out too.
I love Pinot.
Pinot. Always.
Oh, no.
What?
Shut up, bitch.
God, your curls are just doing
a thing today that...
Good summer, right?
Have a good one.
Annie?
What happened?
I had a panic attack.
You're my panic attack.
Thanks. Marisa,
I just don't get it.
It was Kelly's idea
to always stay together,
and have each other's backs.
Yeah, well...
Shit happens.
Did you hear what I said?
- I hate this.
- Yes, I heard.
I hate today.
I heard you.
Okay, well,
fuck today, then, dude.
We don't need...
Today.
Let's... let's, uh, go to
the strip club.
I've always wanted
to go to the strip club.
I don't know about that.
It's not her fault, you know?
It is, though, like...
She deleted our pictures
off Facebook.
Like, she didn't
have to go there.
It's super disrespectful.
I was kind of insulted
a little bit.
Doesn't it make you feel bad
that she's not allowed
to be herself?
No. Because you always have
the option to be yourself.
That is solely up to you.
I can't believe
we don't talk anymore.
We used to be so close
before you left.
Hey, don't cry.
I actually thought
today would be different.
Annie.
Come on, babe.
Just wipe up and come out, yeah?
I can't.
Yes, you can.
No, literally, I can't.
I had a thing of Parmesan
for breakfast.
- Why?
- It looked good.
No. Why would you do that...?
That makes me angry.
I don't...
God, I'm spraying shit all over
the sides of the toilet.
It's like the part that the
flush doesn't get. I'm sorry.
Okay. It's okay.
Annie?
I got to go pee too.
Are you there?
Kelly, can you
just leave us alone?
Okay, for just today?
I was trying to
go to the bathroom.
Okay, go in the gym.
- Can we please just talk...?
- Hall passes.
Andy, are you shitting me, dude?
It is the last day of school.
You are not a Navy seal.
Okay, well, that was
inappropriate language.
Offensive clothing.
And the verdict for both
of you is detention.
What?
Fuck you.
Yeah, uh-huh.
And I hope your
computer crashes,
and you lose shit
you didn't save.
Take that back.
No.
Please take that back.
No, I will not.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
You know, it is the very
last day of school.
Andy, you're so cute.
No, I'm not.
You are. Do you think
you could just
let us off the hook
just this one time, please?
Well...
Pretty please?
Sure. Okay.
I don't think so.
The only thing getting
hard today is your lives.
Because your evil voodoo-vagina
magic doesn't work on me.
Because I masturbated
this morning,
and I'm good till
9 or 9:30.
Maybe if it was 9:45
and I was alone in my room,
we could've worked
something out.
All right.
Here you are.
Have a nice day, ladies.
Thank you.
Let's all hang out sometime.
You know, Andy,
I hope you fucking
sneeze and shit yourself
on accident, dude.
And slip and fall
in a puddle of shitty...
What?
...shit-covered rhino dicks.
I don't have a charger.
Thank you.
Okay, if your application
was so perfect, Kelly,
then why do you need
my approval?
I just need your signature.
Must be nice having
it all figured out, huh?
Excuse me?
I know you hired an outside
college counselor to help you.
Probably to spite me.
No, actually.
It's because you seem unwell.
You'll go to Stanford.
Oh, yeah, sure, you'll love it.
An amazing job will just fall
into that creamy lap.
You'll fall in love
with a doctor
with a devastating jawline.
I had a man like that once.
Should I say he had me?
What?
Listen, this doesn't work on me.
I don't care, okay?
Okay, can you please
just sign my application,
so I can turn it in today?
Oh, god. It's not due
for three weeks.
You don't get extra credit
for handing it in early.
Such a you thing to do.
My mother is planning
a going-away party
for the application.
We're all gonna gather
around the mailbox,
and she invited
all of her friends.
What if you don't get in?
Can you please
just sign my application?
No, I cannot.
How's your tummy?
You're looking a little pale.
Killing it, but pale.
Thank you.
I wonder where the party is.
Here.
God, I look pale?
Do you have, uh, like, makeup?
What, have we met?
Yo, I been meaning
to ask you, um...
you been masturbating?
Yeah.
Yeah, how much?
The usual amount.
Why? Did you hear something?
Um...
Well, what's, like,
your average?
Probably three to five times...
A day?
Oh, my god.
What, are you like a guy?
No, obviously not. Like,
three to five times a week.
What? That's it?
Okay.
Look, I don't know,
okay? Honestly.
How many times do you do it?
Whoa.
Annie. Um, personal.
I don't know.
Like 35 times a day.
Fuck. Are you kidding me?
I'm messing with you.
Oh, the whole time.
God.
I rode my bed the other day.
O-oh?
I dry-humped the corner
of my mattress.
Well...
probably gonna do it again.
Good for you.
Yup. It was cool.
How do you know
if you find your clitoris?
I'm touching down there,
feels great, could be better.
You just pop the hood.
Okay. Cool.
Annie.
Let me holler at you for a sec.
Let me spit you
something I wrote.
No, no, no.
You know what,
I'm gonna go off top.
I'm gonna go off top.
I just wanna let you know
that you're beautiful.
That I feel you, you know?
I feel like...
Like we're the same
in a sort of way, you know?
Honestly, if I came here tonight
and I didn't say anything,
I'd be mad regretful,
so here's me saying...
I think we'd be great together.
I just think we'd be lit.
I've always thought so.
So, what's up?
You with it?
Well, this is so unexpected.
Damn. Hot damn.
Oh, hey.
Oh!
Chug-offs aren't fair.
You don't have a gag reflex.
Yeah, I do. I'm a champ.
I'm fucking queen of the world!
Oh, okay.
You ever seen
an uncircumcised penis?
Yeah, um...
you seen those videos of, like,
people giving birth
and the baby's head crowning?
What? No.
Pushing through? No?
Mm-mm.
Uh, what about, like,
those sausage biscuits?
A little, uh, pig in a blanket?
No. I've no idea.
I'm starving.
You hungry?
Not anymore.
Actually, yes, I'm very hungry.
Annie.
Is that Sarah Richter?
- Oh, wow!
- She looks different,
but that is her.
She's the new custodian.
Annie, she's a janitor.
Bet she probably just cleaned
the shit out of the toilet.
No. No.
Yeah.
Oh, I hope not.
Oh, my god,
dude, she's pregnant.
Remember when we egged her
freshman year?
I almost feel bad.
Almost.
You know what?
I would not mind
getting knocked up one day.
What?
I'm just saying, like...
I don't wanna have a kid,
but, yeah,
I wanna get knocked up.
Okay.
I feel like orgasms
are hard to come by.
Probably.
I came close once at a recital.
Yeah?
Yes.
I actually just peed.
But it was really warm,
and it felt really good.
What the fuck?
Okay, hold on.
So you and Phil.
Wait. Wait a sec, okay?
Kelly still loves us.
It doesn't matter,
regardless of the letters
and other girls.
Shut the fuck up about Kelly.
All right?
Just, like, stop.
You don't think
about our future, do you?
Everything's gonna change
next year.
I'm living in the moment.
If you got a foot in the past,
and a foot in the future,
you're pissing on the present.
Sure. Um,
what do I got to do?
Really?
Yeah.
I wanna go to the party.
If our friendship's dying,
then you know I wanna be
at that funeral.
Okay.
I'll go.
But, uh, we gotta do something
I've been wanting to do
for a real long time.
Ha, ha!
Okay. All right.
Okay.
This just feels
a little extreme, Marisa,
breaking the law and everything.
I don't wanna go to jail.
I'm not ready
to be a lesbian yet.
No, baby,
you don't gotta be gay to play.
Oh!
Just testing it out.
Look, I got this.
All right? I got me. I got you.
I got us. I got a game plan.
We got this in the fucking bag.
Okay.
Just breathe,
count to, like, 30.
Got it. Okay. Good luck.
It's fine. I'll be back.
Okay. Have fun.
Don't fucking move, Annie.
Okay.
Fuck.
Okay, okay, okay.
Run, bitch! Go! Let's go!
Go, go, go!
I got the money, bunny.
I am living in this moment!
Oh, my god.
We did it! That's how we do.
That's how we do.
Let's scratch off.
Keep that
high spirit rolling, Annie.
Come on! Dude, shake your hand.
I can't. I'm driving.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, where did he
get a brick though?
Dude, fuck if I know.
He's an old man.
What? Maybe...
He had it, like, sitting around
for exactly this situation
and took it.
He knew what was happening.
Annie, that is fucked up!
I love it!
I love it so much.
Dude, I know old man withers
couldn't catch up with me.
Like, fuck the system.
Corporate America is going down.
I am the conspiracy theory.
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
We do gotta fix the car though.
Dude, we're rich, bitch.
We'll just buy a new one.
I do not want a new one.
I gotta have this car.
I got this
for making the honor roll
every quarter.
Nerd alert.
Stop. Don't dance.
Don't dance.
And you're for sure gonna go
to the party now. For sure.
Yeah, I know. I...
Yeah, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna be there.
We've never even broken 20
on scratchers.
We never had the whole case.
That's true.
That's true. We got it.
Just look at 'em, Annie.
God, so beautiful.
I cannot wait to go shopping
for dresses tonight.
Me too. We can,
like, get manicures.
I think, like, maybe a hike
or, like, yoga.
'Cause, like, my chakras
have just been
really out of whack lately.
Kombucha to open...
I get the joke.
...my chest chakra.
I get it. Okay.
We had a deal.
And we also have to fix my whip.
Oh, are we calling it a whip?
Yes, I like that term.
Just needed to clarify.
Totally. Um...
A deal's a deal.
But I'm wearing this.
You look so good.
Thank you.
I have an idea.
Hm?
So suck on my penis.
Knock-knock.
Hi, how's my girl?
Okay.
Just okay?
Uh-uh. Not today.
It's the day we've
all been waiting for.
Who's "we"?
You know you can be excited
about this, right?
Shouldn't you be getting ready
for the party?
Yeah, um. Mom, I kind of wanted
to talk to you about that. I...
I think I just kind of expected
something different
out of today, and, um...
I don't know, like,
my friends at school...
Honey, just enjoy the ride.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
I mean, that's all
I'm trying to do
is just enjoy the ride.
But I feel like I just need
a moment to just be.
This is your moment
to "just be."
you won.
I don't know
what that means, "I won."
Honey.
I just feel like
I can't catch my breath,
you know
what I'm saying? Like...
I just... I just need to...
Try on this gorgeous dress.
I don't wanna go to the party.
What? No,
you have to go to the party.
It wouldn't be the same
without you.
And you owe it to those kids
that look up to you.
I'm just gonna rest
for a minute,
before I have to go back
to detention.
Detention? What...?
Is this about a boy?
No.
Don't tell me.
I'll find out.
I'll find out.
And besides,
I can't cancel the limo anyway,
and all the girls are in.
You didn't.
Yes, I did.
How rude of me. Shrimp?
The smell is enough for me.
Thanks.
I'd open the window
but they're painted shut.
Rumor has it the last Counselor
leapt to her death.
Oh, my god. Is that true?
I don't know.
I block out a lot.
A lot, a lot.
So about signing my application?
Yeah, okay.
I will sign away, okay,
but I need you to do one thing.
I need you to honor the pact
that you made
with Annie and Marisa.
It's that simple.
How do you know about that?
Annie wrote about it
in her personal statement.
Really?
That little meatball's got
a lot of faith in you.
I told her,
"give up on your dreams,"
just like I did when I married
a sergeant and moved to Wichita.
Little did I know
that I was about to enter
four years of polygamy hell.
My mother told me
I didn't look good in a bonnet,
and I didn't listen.
Wow, you actually have
an amazing face for a bonnet.
You know that?
Can you please just sign
my application?
I promise you if you don't,
my mother is going to call you,
and I really don't think
you want that.
Is your mother single?
Just curious.
No, she's married to my dad.
Okay. Jesus.
A judgment's not gonna
do you well at Stanford.
Oh, wait, yes, it will.
I'm not impressed, babe.
I see one of you every year.
In, out, in, out.
In more ways than one.
We should get, like,
an off-roading Jeep.
We can put our money together.
Whip it, bitch!
That's why
I fuck with you, Annie.
- Oh, fuck.
- Okay, where the fuck are we?
You just gotta trust me.
Have I ever let you down?
No, you haven't.
No, I've never let you down.
This is this guy's business.
- This is his lobby to his office.
- Okay.
And we're just waiting
for his services.
It's strange.
It's a weird business.
I can't get how it works.
No, no. He knows his clientele.
Okay. Right.
Right?
It's gonna be fine.
Okay, cool.
I love you, queen.
I love you.
Thank you. That helped.
Hey, yo, Adrian!
What up, little 'Risa?
Yes. I love this guy.
Hi. Uh,
just the back window.
Dude, get your ass in the back.
I know how to pay you
for your services.
What? Don't do a blow job
with this guy.
I've heard really bad stories
about dicks.
Wait, Annie.
Bad dicks or bad stories?
No, no. Sir, I'm just gonna have
to ask you to leave.
I can't have
sexual relations in my car.
I'm not gonna give him
a "blowgy."
Dude, I don't even
have my stuff.
Are you packing
fucking heat, yo?
Hashtag OG, 80 percent indica,
20 percent sativa,
100 percent dank. Ah.
This shit will
melt your face off.
How did you score this,
you little fucking genius?
Grandma. Neuropathy.
Dude, shit's sad,
but what can you do?
All right.
What else you got for me?
Toss in some scratchies.
All right, deal.
You can pick it up
in a couple hours.
I'll meet you back here.
Yes.
Sounds good.
Great.
Couple hours, great.
Deal.
A couple hours?
That timing
will work out perfect.
You always got my back, dude.
- You knows it.
- I really appreciate you.
Adrian...
Uh, just out of, like,
curiosity. Uh...
Do you have any information
on the location
of the party tonight?
Either of you read Vonnegut?
What?
Religiously.
If you find the party,
if you don't, so it goes.
Yeah. Yeah,
I like that.
Okay. For sure.
Just, uh, give me a call, okay?
Thanks, bro.
God. He is the man.
He's so loyal.
No one has loyalty
like that anymore,
except for you. You're my girl.
I was gonna say. Ha, ha.
Um, sorry. Question.
- How are we gonna get back?
- I'm getting us an Uber.
And I know
where to get you a dress.
So suck on my penis.
- I'm sorry this happened to you.
- What an inconvenient day.
We will get back to you as soon
as we know more information.
Okay? Thank you so much.
I'll call you.
Please don't.
Okay, so we are
looking for two girls
driving a vehicle
with a smashed-out windshield
who have stolen
a case of scratchers.
Great. Great.
I don't care, okay?
It doesn't seem like
they'd be too far.
This just happened.
It should be
easy to spot the vehicle.
And?
This information? Throw it away.
Yeah?
I'll toss it.
Because I just got myself a text
from a dweeb I've got
on the inside.
Okay.
And he tells me he saw
a couple of kids
rolling some kegs
to a dirt lot five minutes
from here.
You have childr...
An informant who's a child?
A couple of high school kids.
Couple of...
I give them burner phones.
Little cricket...
Cricket burner phones.
They text me
when they see something shady.
If you see something,
say something.
I'm saying something about that.
That seems shady.
Our rules are protect,
serve and kill.
Oh, I didn't know
that third one was included.
Thought it was the first two.
Protect, serve and kill.
A, B, C.
Learn to be a cop.
Learn to be a cop.
I'm trying.
Embarrassing.
My queen. I need my queen.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah. Yes.
I feel like I'm in
dancing with the stars.
I'm gonna drop a beat.
I love that one.
That's my favorite one.
It's kind of cool though, right?
Yeah, I love...
The color's beautiful on you,
but it's, uh... turn around.
Is it...? Is it squeezing?
Um, yeah, but I think
that's just my body.
Clothing companies
don't make clothes for my body.
No, it's... do another one.
This might be tough to get off.
If I scream, call the cops.
No, you call me
because I'm your knight
in shining armor.
I love you, baby.
Just slice it right off.
Marisa? We gotta go.
What...? What's up?
No, we're not going.
I wanna see more.
I like this one. This...
We have to go.
No.
No.
Okay. Yeah, all right.
No, go. Go. Go.
It hurts too.
I will meet you.
It's dripping, Marisa.
Man, everyone's waiting
to find out if Kelly got in.
I bet she'll announce it
at the party tonight.
Probably. Sure wish
you didn't give a shit.
Yeah.
I mean,
I get things got messed up.
After you went to gram's,
I kind of freaked out.
Maybe I just care too much
about honoring the right thing.
Maybe I'm a modern-day Jedi.
I'm Mace Windu, you know?
Yeah, you are. Totally.
Remember our strokes cover band?
Ha-ha-ha.
We rocked. We were good.
We killed!
No, Annie, you rocked.
You're like the Michael Jordan
of weird high-school girls
that play cello.
No. You were so good on guitar.
I don't know why you stopped.
Because I'm a quitter.
I'm the quitter.
I'm a first-place quitter.
Yes! Money!
Make it rain.
Uh-oh.
Here we go.
Don't you hate when you shit
and the tampon comes out?
It's like, do I take it out
or do I waste a new one,
or push it back in?
Push it back in.
You know gardeners
do crack in those?
So? It's private.
Shit, dude.
I have detention.
Oh, my god. I wanna come.
I've never been.
Um...
no, seriously, we gotta go.
Okay.
This will be great.
Annie, I never gave you
detention.
Annie.
I'm just here for fun.
Well, this is gonna be
the opposite of fun,
because here are
the rules... hey!
Here are the rules
for Andy's detention,
since no teacher wanted
to take it over, which means:
No speaking, no thinking,
no breathing
no being fat, no being ugly...
Don't be annoying,
and focus on no one
but yourself.
You! No talking.
N-o-o, no.
I... I didn't...
She didn't even do anything...
No. No.
All right. I want all of you
to write me
a very detailed essay
on how to get a girlfriend.
Uh, not that it's for me.
I'm asking for a friend.
And be detailed.
I want, minimum, 7000 words.
All right? Pictures count
as one word.
Annie.
Hey! I don't
see you writing.
Why are you looking at me?
Start writing.
For those of you who are
still here
for detention, unbelievable.
Uh, also,
regarding this party tonight,
guys, please be safe.
Your old Princi-pal
still cares, after all.
Uh, uh, uh.
Turn off your phones,
or if that's a vibrator,
then go use that at home,
you sick freaks.
Phones where I can see them.
Kelly. Kelly.
Have a seat.
What?
Hey, Marisa.
Marisa, I texted...
Annie, check your...
Check Marisa's phone, please...
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
You sound so crazy.
I have a proposition for you.
What do you want, Andy?
I need to know
where that party is.
Marisa!
Marisa, wait!
Kelly texted you?
Yeah.
What did she text you?
I don't know. I deleted it.
You what?
What the hell is wrong with you?
Marisa...
What the fuck
is wrong with you, dude?
You know, I'm starting
to take this personally.
All right?
As your best friend, all day,
we've been talking
about this fucking fantasy world
that you are never
gonna live in.
I wanna know what happened.
You don't know shit.
You're stressing over a girl
that does not give
a fuck about you.
Get it together, dude.
Take the fucking pigtails out.
Put your big-girl hat on.
Because I'm tired of this.
You brought me
to this fucking point today!
People leave you.
They don't care!
I don't think so.
I don't care
what you fucking think,
because I know.
So you have fun at Cornell
with your Ivy league
bullshit friends,
but I'm out.
Deuces.
I cannot believe we did that.
We are such cool best friends.
What?
Let's always be this way.
Let's always be this cool,
- and this there for each other.
- Oh, my god, yes.
I think that we should open
our college
acceptance letters together
at the end of that stupid party.
Really?
Yes.
That's a great idea.
That's amazing.
Dead serious.
It'd be so meaningful.
No, it's dope. Dope.
You know what it's time for?
What?
Do you know what it's time for?
- A group hug?
- Time for a group hug.
Annie, is it group hug time?
Group hug. Get in here.
I love you guys.
Hey. Annie Legland.
Ah.
Hey, Phil.
Grandma?
Hey, baby.
What are you doing here?
What do you mean,
what am I doing here?
I came to see you.
To say hi.
You seen the little sewing kit?
I'm trying to fix
this button on my shirt.
Hot date tonight?
Yeah, actually.
Met her online.
Yeah. Don't need
to know the details.
Marisa, hold up.
Dude, are you really
trying to connect
with me right now?
You came over for a sewing kit.
I'm sorry. I just...
No, but you're not, though.
I have homework.
Isn't it the last day?
Yup.
Congratulations.
Do you mind if I call you
tangerine?
Yeah, I wish everybody
called me that.
Tangy, I know you think
this stuff
is all bullshit, okay?
I do.
I know people
like you. They say:
"Oh, Mark Zuckerberg
dropped out of Harvard.
Look at him now, right?"
That's what I'm saying.
Well, listen up.
To drop out,
he had to get into Harvard,
and to get into Harvard,
he had to apply.
If he hadn't done that
he'd just be
another sex offender
with a website.
Can we please hang out
outside of school?
Not till you're older.
Not till you're 18, or 21
or whatever the legal age
is in this state.
I forget, I move a lot.
You've seen some shit, huh?
Yeah. Okay?
Yeah.
And you could too,
if you'd stop being
this off-brand
version of yourself.
Liz. Come on. That makes me feel
like a generic razor.
Yes! Exactly.
See? You're smart.
Just apply
to a state school, okay?
You're gonna get in.
There'll be girls running around
like, "where's my dad?"
you know, you'll get along.
And, um...
Let yourself
have a lesbian phase.
It makes you
a better person and citizen.
And not that you want to,
but if you wanna be a mother,
it'll make you
a better mother too.
You're all right, Liz.
You're not okay,
but you're all right.
One last thing.
Should the chance
present itself,
please honor the pact you have
with meatball
and Blondie McBonnet face.
Hey, if I ever go through
that lesbian phase,
I'm gonna call you.
Oh, my god. Thank you.
Voil. What do you think?
Oh, my god.
It looks like a cat.
Oh, no.
No, no. This is...
This is horribly wrong.
What? It says "fab" on it?
Oh, lord, no.
There are lips. Ah!
And there's a decal
with your name on it.
It's like Barney or something.
This is all wrong!
This is criminally wrong,
what you've done to me.
Do you understand that?
I have the biggest party
of my life tonight.
I cannot pull up in this.
Everyone will think
I'm a stripper.
That is not okay.
Do you read Vonnegut?
Yes, I do!
You already asked me.
That's not
what we're talking about.
So it goes.
No! No! No!
It doesn't go.
I can't go anywhere in this car!
I'm not gonna go!
Please just, god, stop smoking.
Save us all.
Weed is a gateway drug,
okay? Just...
Namaste.
Smile!
We're going to college.
Yay!
So exciting.
Have fun, girls.
This shit is rigged.
- Hi, sweetheart. It's mom.
- Uh, just checking in.
Hope everything is going
according to plan.
I know it's your big night.
I want everything
to go well for you.
I got you two things for dinner.
I got Italian and Chinese.
I know you like
to have a little bit
of selection
of what you're gonna eat.
Nice whip.
I miss us.
What?
That's what Kelly's
text message said.
"I miss us."
Oh.
Why didn't you tell me that?
Annie, why would I?
Dude, I don't wanna lose you.
You and Kelly, like, applied
to the same schools
and everything.
Places I have
no business being at.
Dude, like, in my mind,
Kelly's the bitch.
But you said
that Kelly turned on you.
Okay, yeah, I...
I say a lot of shit.
God. I thought
you were my best friend.
I am, Annie.
That's the thing. You have me.
You have a family.
You have a long list of people.
I have a very short list.
Kelly doesn't wanna be
on mine. That's fine.
You're my one person.
She can't just, like, jump in
and out whenever she wants to.
She left. She's gone.
Crossed her off.
One less person to care about.
God.
I'm just gonna say it.
I'm gonna go
make something of myself.
You can't stand that, can you?
You can't take it.
You're scared
of what you may feel
if you go
into the real world. Right?
A place that isn't
shocked by your wit.
A world that
actually values talent
and hard work and honesty.
The moment you felt pain
from your parents' divorce,
you bailed on me
and you bailed on us.
You wanna know
why I wanna get so far away?
I wanna go,
so I don't end up like you...
Sad and scared and just
fucking running away.
Cool.
I'm glad I could be
your motivation.
ID, please?
Look, ma'am, I just...
Sarah Richter?
I swear, I saw you earlier.
Gotta have more than
one job these days.
Are you serious?
This isn't even fake.
This is your real ID
that says you're underage.
Yeah, I know.
Can you just,
like, cut me some slack?
I just lost my best friend.
Hm.
One of those girls I saw
at that party?
Yeah.
Whatever you did,
don't worry about it.
You're gonna do
a lot of stupid shit,
especially when you're young.
Yeah, who says that?
I'm not even 25.
I'm buried in credit card debt,
couldn't finish college.
My only friend is my alcoholic
and unemployable boyfriend.
Not to mention I have
a real-life baby on the way.
So, yeah.
Shit gets real.
You'll know when it does.
I really fucked up this time.
Apologize, and then move on.
And, you know,
don't even take life
so seriously.
No one gets out alive.
Richter got jokes.
That was a good one.
Can I just...?
If you get caught,
I did not sell that to you.
Yes. You're gonna be
a tight-ass mom.
You going to the party tonight?
No.
Dude, fuck that party.
Oh, god. Fuck it.
Here I come, Phil.
You know what, Annie?
I actually used
to be just like you:
Young, talented,
still a mouth virgin.
Heh. I had dreams too.
And I chased those dreams
all the way down to Mexico.
Despite the weight gain,
I was actually
a very successful dancer.
I'm learning about you today.
Today's not about me.
It's about you,
Anna banana, okay?
The point is, you need
to start living for you, okay?
You can't wait around
for magic to come to you.
It's gonna come in different
forms. It's gonna come to you
in the form of a German juggler
with kind eyes who's a liar.
Annie, he's a liar.
Wait. I think there's
a difference
between magic and a promise.
I have faith
that Kelly and Marisa
are gonna keep their promise.
Oh, god, it's so sad to hear you
just nurture this pipe dream.
"Ma, here's my dream."
Let it die, honey.
You know what, Liz?
This matters to me.
Even if I'm the only one
who still cares,
I'm still gonna finish the job
because we were best friends.
Well, reality called
looking for you.
I said you were in the shower,
but I don't know how much
more time you have,
you sweet little Vienna sausage.
All right.
Well, Liz, I know you mean well.
Fuck.
Sorry. It's just...
It's like holding a clam
that hasn't
been born yet, you know?
Okay. Go.
Go!
I'm kidding. I'm not mad.
Yo, fuck you.
I'm talking to a wall.
Fuck!
Just because they're
on a skateboard
doesn't mean
they couldn't be speeding.
I think it literally means they
couldn't be speeding, but...
This is the spot, buddy boy.
Is it?
This is where I bust 'em.
My little secret spot.
What?
Why?
Gram?
Hey, baby.
Have a cannabis cookie.
Oh, gram, these are raw.
Mm.
Oh.
Okay, and very strong.
Um, heh, how many
of those have you had?
I don't know.
Three? Eleven?
Okay, gram,
let's talk about
what's up with the lawn.
Oh. This handsome
young boy came by
and he had
all these political signs
for some woman
that's running for office.
And guess what her name is.
Bohner. Heh. Get it?
I get it. No, I get it.
Bohner.
Are you sure
that's how you say it?
Yes. Bohner.
Now, you know
that heifer got my vote.
You know it!
Bohner?
Yo!
Don't forget to vote.
He called me a boner.
Gram, you are a genius!
I need to get my Annie back!
No, honey, I'm a baptist.
Okay. Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
"Do you have a condom, Phil?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact,
I do know how to put it on."
"Just don't forget
the reservoir tip."
What?
No, that's not right.
Oh, come on.
Oh. Heh. Hi.
Wow. Annie,
you look beautiful.
Wow, thanks.
You look hot.
I was just practicing
what to say to you.
You're ridiculous.
You don't have to do that.
No? Okay, cool.
No.
This whip is one of the craziest
things I've ever seen.
Yeah?
Yeah. I love it.
It's not how it usually is.
It's a long story.
Really?
I can't wait to hear it.
You do? Heh. Okay.
Great.
So, uh, where we going?
We are rolling to the party.
We just gotta
figure out where it is.
Yeah, I have... I have
no idea where it's at.
No?
Okay, well, you know what?
Fuck the clues.
We're above the clues.
We'll be smarter than the clues.
We're gonna rise above
the clues.
What? Right?
I dig.
Okay. So we know
there's gonna be
a lot of booze
at the party, right?
No doubt.
Why don't you get me the number
for the biggest
liquor store in town.
Where's your phone?
It's right here.
One off top. Here we go.
Okay.
"One off top."
Like you know it already?
Yeah, of course.
That's really cool.
Alcoholic.
It's ringing.
It's ringing? Okay.
Okay.
Uh, hey there. Yeah.
I'm having a big party tonight
and my girlfriend
is a dumb bitch
and she totally doesn't know
the address she gave you.
It's, like, a big delivery.
Does that ring a bell?
Oh. Ugh.
He hung up on you?
Yeah. I don't think
I was slutty enough.
Okay, I don't think that's what
it was, but if you think so.
Let me get you another one.
I got you.
I really think so.
You know what?
Watch slutty.
I'm gonna do slutty this time.
Okay, it's gotta be...
It's gotta be this one.
Okay.
It's ringing.
Oh, my god.
Okay, slutty.
Hi there, cutie.
Hi.
My girlfriends and I are having
a big party tonight
and we placed
a large order of beer.
Okay.
Jessica, you left
your panties in the hot tub.
Oh, your bra too.
You look amazing naked.
Oh, you know what?
This beer talk
is making me so fucking horny.
Oh, my god.
Oh, I'm so...
Heh, oh.
You know what?
That is right.
Thank you so much.
You're so handsome.
Stud.
You're a genius.
Good looks on calling him stud.
Thank you.
Oh, my god.
Maybe I'll call you a stud.
I'd love that. What?
Right? You like that?
We rolling? Start the whip.
Yeah, let's go. Okay.
I've always wanted
to call somebody "baby,"
but I can't pull it off.
Okay. Well, let's practice.
Okay.
Let's go, baby.
Yeah, I'm chubbin'.
Seven, eight, nine,
10, 11, 12, 13, 14!
Yo, that felt good.
Yeah.
It's really great
going down the throat.
Marisa. Oh, my goodness.
Hey. What's up?
You made it.
Yeah. You made it.
Wow. Where's Annie?
Uh...
Annie!
I don't know.
We got in a fight.
Oh, my gosh. No.
I don't know. I feel... yeah.
Tonight? Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
Thank you.
I'm...
Okay. You just... you...
you can't take this stuff
too seriously, you know?
In the end, it's
all farts and cheeto dust.
Heh. Okay.
I like that. Thank you.
Thank you.
Dap it.
Yeah.
I'll see you later.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay...
Let's line them up for Mr. W.
Get in here, boys.
Come on,
who's hot for teacher, huh?
Lift this old man up.
I'm feeling rusty.
All right.
Don't be gentle.
See? If I just put my, like,
mouth over his thingy,
and when he puts, like...
So?
When are you gonna tell
everyone?
What?
Stanford. Your mom told me
you got into Stanford.
When did you talk to my mom?
Today. I mean, we talk, you
know. I text her and stuff.
That's a bummer.
Bummer? No, come on.
Let's get you a drink.
One more shot,
and you won't feel sad.
You know, Trent,
I gotta tell you
I like you clean-shaven.
Are you flirting with me?
I'm not flirting with you.
Just giving a compliment.
You look younger and fresher.
Like a high school kid.
High school?
Yeah. I mean,
you're just like a teen.
Like a freshman?
Maybe not a freshman.
Sophomore.
Well, I was gonna say...
Sophomore makes sense.
Like a gargantuan sophomore.
High school. High school.
Oh, my god. It's...
Right? What do you say?
It was the worst... was it?
So awesome! It was awesome.
Okay.
I was king of high school.
Were you?
The king and the queen.
How does that work?
I was prom king and queen.
Four years in a row.
You took yourself to the prom?
Sure did.
They voted you king and queen?
Sure did.
Don't think
they were making fun of you?
People don't
make fun of me, bud.
Right. I made most of my friends
in high school playing sports.
Oh, yeah? What'd you play?
Yeah.
I was a cross-country runner
and swimming.
Heh. That's good.
That's funny.
Running and swimming.
Those aren't sports.
What are you talking about?
They gotta have a ball.
Baseball, basketball,
football, tennis,
soccer, hockey.
That's what I played.
Hockey's not a ball.
Yes, it is.
It's a flat ball. It's just
a ball that's been flattened.
Thanks. What was
your favorite sport?
Tennis. Loved tennis
more than anything.
Really?
That surprises me.
Yeah, tore my rotator cuff.
Oh, that's too bad.
Hey...
hm?
Shit happens, man.
What did you just say?
Shit happens.
Like, life happens.
There's ups and downs, and...
Shit doesn't happen to me, okay?
No?
Not anymore.
Okay.
Oh, look at this.
We got one.
We got one. Here we go.
That's a real one.
It's a real one.
Yes! Yes!
You are so excited.
Light 'em up!
He he he!
Boy, I'm glad we are going
to this party together.
And you and I are gonna
always have this
to share
with each other. God.
Beautiful.
Man...
Hey, just so you know,
I broke my hymen
in fourth grade riding a horse.
Huh?
- Oh! Annie, Annie.
- What? What?
- You're getting pulled over.
- What? No.
You're going really fast.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
We have to go faster.
What?
No. Pull over.
We have to go faster.
Annie, you have to pull over.
Sorry, Phil.
We gotta get to the party.
Is this how fast
you normally go?
I usually go double this speed.
Please don't.
Don't even go any more...
Do or don't?
Please don't, Trent.
Come on, man...
Oh, come on! No!
I wanna be a lawyer. Jesus.
Yeah, buddy!
Oh, my god. Shit. Slam it.
Best day of our lives.
Slam it. Go!
Best day of our lives!
Best day of our lives.
Okay, okay, okay.
We're gonna get
this big Barney vehicle.
What do you think
about this? This is easy.
"Barney vehicle"?
Barney. It's a deep purple.
That's not purple. That's a...
That's a magenta, right?
That is for sure a fuchsia.
That's not a fuchsia.
Yes, it is. If anything,
it's closer to plum.
What? Are you insane?
Maybe like a pre-ripe plum.
Maybe chartreuse, if anything.
I think you don't know
your colors.
You don't know your colors.
I know my colors!
No disrespect.
I doubt that you do know
your full range
of colors, Trent.
Uh-uh.
Nothing from you.
Have you seen Annie?
Because I can't find her.
No. Why?
Don't act like you give a shit.
Whoa. Okay. I have
a rape whistle in my vagina.
I'll use it.
- I am done with your bullshit.
- What bullshit?
You blaming me
for what happened.
I need you to be a little bit
more specific.
When you left town, Marisa,
you abandoned us,
and you were so sure
I was gonna become everything
that you hated about this town,
but that's
what you turned me into.
You turned me into this,
this bullshit high-school
stereotype.
I didn't create this mess
with Annie, Marisa. You did.
Okay.
And fuck you, by the way
for assuming
that I wouldn't be there
for you when you were gone.
Whoa...
you love acting
like this friendship
has never mattered
to me, Marisa, but it did.
Are you done?
I am not this perfect thing
that you think I am.
I am the same person
that I have always been.
I didn't change
just because you left town.
Shit. The cops.
- Gotta go to the party.
- Fuck. Go.
Where's that house?
We'll have so much fun. Yes!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Yo, they're shooting at us.
They're shooting at us!
What?
What the fuck? Annie, Annie!
Watch out! Watch out!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Annie!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god, the beeramyd!
Holy shit.
Yes, queen! Heh!
That's my, my best friend.
Annie, I'm so proud of you,
dude. Did you get some dick?
Hey, what's up, Phil?
You're hilarious. Hi.
Hey.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you more.
I love you the most.
I love you so much.
I love you the mostest.
Okay. Cool.
Okay.
Kelly.
I'm feeling very confident,
and I request your presence.
Come over here, please.
I gotta pee.
No, you don't gotta pee.
You're staying.
You're waiting right here.
I love you guys so much.
I love you more than anything.
You're my best friends.
There's only one way to do this.
We gotta do a group hug.
We gotta do a group hug.
We got to.
Yes.
Aw.
Shut the fuck up!
Enough emotional shit!
Look who we have here.
Oh, busted. Busted!
Andy.
Over here.
Move, you basic bitches.
I'm coming.
Don't start without me.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Congrats, bitches.
You just got front row seats
to 23 jump street.
Put your gun down.
Okay.
Ladies, you're busted.
I'm gonna write you a ticket
for, let's see,
public intoxication,
underage drinking,
drinking in public...
Um, excuse me.
Well, well, well.
Hello, Sarah.
What are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?
- What are you doing here
partying with all these losers?
I'm actually house-sitting
for Councilwoman Bohner.
Councilwoman Bohner?
Boner. I have that
sometimes.
Andy.
I could call her
if you want.
She knows all about the party.
I didn't know if you wanted
to start on a sour note
with a newly-minted city
bureaucrat.
Ooh.
- Burn!
- Enough. That's enough!
You're still getting a ticket.
You're still all...
you will be arresting
nobody here, Trent.
You got a lot
of nerve coming here.
First, you steal my gal,
then you shit in the jacuzzi
at the graduation party.
That's not true.
None of that is true.
I never shit in the jacuzzi.
You know, I used
to wanna be you.
I did.
But now I got you figured out.
You, sir, suck.
What did you just say?
You suck.
Oh, no. He did not.
Yes, he did.
You suck!
You suck!
He doesn't suck.
He gets sucked.
I get sucked.
You suck!
No. I get sucked. I get sucked.
You suck! You suck!
He gets sucked.
Stop it.
Stop it now!
You suck! You suck!
No! I'm an officer of the law!
You suck! You suck!
You're all going to jail!
You're going to jail.
I'm gonna get backup.
We'll shoot all of you guys.
You suck! You suck! You suck!
Andy!
Oh, my god.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's a dumb-ass.
Yeah!
- Let's go, girls.
- I'm down. What's up?
Oh, my god. All of us.
Guys, this is the best night
I've had in such a long time.
We're back.
We're the three amigos.
You mean TLC.
I should probably apologize.
Just for all the shit
that went down when I left.
No. I get it.
I would've hated me too.
Shut up, you guys.
Let's just enjoy this.
All right.
Let's do this.
Phil and I gotta fuck.
Oh, my god.
Marisa.
This is crazy stuff.
Can you guys just trust me?
I've been planning
this all year.
Why are you laughing?
It's not funny.
Okay, you're not cute.
You're disgusting.
Guys, let's never be like that.
No.
Let's just be us.
We're so cool as we are.
I love me.
Man, last year, when
the senior girls caught freshmen
they made them
deep-throat bananas.
What?
Like, unpeeled?
Yes, unpeeled bananas.
Down their throat,
scraping those throats.
Ugh!
It's so deep.
I could do, like, peeled though.
That would... that would,
like, be sexy.
Like, mushy.
Sexy? No, no.
I don't know.
Dude, I can't believe
we're doing this.
We're like the three Amigos.
We're like Charlie's Angels
or TLC.
Oh, my god. Dude, I always
wanted to be left eye.
I love that you said that.
Rest in peace, my nigga.
Ninja warrior for life.
No, she can say it.
I said it. I can.
Let's send these
bitches off right.
God, I'm tired of their shit.
Let's do this.
No. What?
No, no, no.
They're gonna destroy us.
No, when they caught
the freshmen,
the entire year,
they did this to them:
Is that a blow job?
Yes, blow job.
They do that.
Right. For sure. That's so
humiliating for that to be...
Oh, god.
We're gonna be fine.
Stick to the plan.
We're gonna stay low,
hide behind parked cars.
Keep up the pace.
Okay, Annie?
I have to fart, but I feel
like I might shit myself.
Hold it in.
I'm gonna hold it in.
You don't wanna ruin that
with a poop stain.
You keep that in there.
I'll try.
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
I think we just
found this year's
banana-blow-job
bitches, bitches.
Are you ready, bitches?
I've asked you so many times
not to do that.
Hey, Sarah.
I'm Marisa.
For sure.
Uh, I know we just met, but I...
I have a question.
Before or after this is halfway
down your throat?
I'm gonna ask before.
Okay.
Um, congratulations.
You guys obviously
got into unis, but...
Bitches.
But what's up with state?
Did you aim high
and fall a little short?
Or was that the plan?
Of course I wanted to go.
My parents went to state.
Their parents went to state,
and their parents went.
It's really well-known.
Yeah, I'm a legacy there.
No, yeah, totally.
God, I'm... I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to, like,
offend you.
Banana blow job, bitches.
I really don't
wanna blow a banana.
I have, like, three months'
worth of Adderall, ha, ha.
Would you want that?
Okay.
Okay, well, you're gonna have
to catch it first, bitch.
Fuck you, hos!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god. Annie!
It wasn't even Adderall,
you guys.
It was fucking ibuprofen.
Oh, my god!
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
You got this, girl.
You got this.
It's gonna be okay.
Oh, that was so cool!
That was so fucking cool.
It was invigorating.
That was so cool.
I cannot believe we did that.
Fuck, yes.
We are such cool best friends.
What? Let's always
be this way.
Let's always be this cool
and this there for each other.
Oh, my god.
Yes.
Dude, in our senior year,
we're not gonna do
any of that bullshit
either, okay?
And I think we should open
our college acceptance letters
together at the end
of that stupid party.
Really?
Yes.
That's a great idea.
That's amazing.
It'd be so meaningful.
It's dope, I like it.
Right? Aw.
Yeah.
You know what it's time for?
I know what you're gonna say.
You're gonna say, like,
"a group hug"?
It's time for a group hug.
Is it group hug time, Annie?
Group hug.
Get in here.
I love you guys.
Grandma, is this new?
Yes, indeed-y.
And it is fire.
Went to the pharmacy Friday.
Okay.
This one is yours.
Thank you, baby doll.
You gonna open that, sweetie?
No.
All right, stay bad, gram.
Just promise me you'll wait to
smoke that until after school.
I promise.
She gonna smoke it.
Pretty sure your hands are
supposed to be under your butt.
Hey, where's your letter?
I've got a letter v right here.
No, your college letter.
Okay, Annie,
I really don't wanna deal
with the bullshit today.
Like, I'm just trying to chill.
I'm sorry.
Oh.
Yes, please,
give me a hit of that.
What, you woke up with asthma?
I'm pretty sure I did.
I've been just so out of whack.
Why are you doing Kegels?
Do you just know
if you have a tight vagina?
Yeah, it just, like, depends,
I guess, on the day.
I know that, like,
your vagina, like, looks
really messed up
after you have kids,
along with your butthole, so...
How does your butthole
look different?
Sometimes it just rips
and becomes one giant hole.
I'm serious.
I do my Kegels in silence.
You don't have to do that.
You don't.
You can sit
and do it in silence.
You can do it in class.
You look like you're gonna shit.
I am. I'm peeking a little bit.
I do have to poop.
God.
Kelly waited. We're gonna open
our envelopes together.
She waited. It's gonna be
the best moment of our lives.
Annie, okay, look.
I'm gonna give you
until 10 a.m.
To get your shit together
and get this out of your system.
The bitch hasn't talked to you
in two years.
We're not friends. I just...
I don't... I don't have time.
So when you're ready,
you let me know.
Okay. Love you.
Sorry I'm late,
Ms. Walker.
I'm never late,
especially on my period.
I have a uterus
like a wristwatch.
Funny you say that.
I've been told I have a uterus
the shape of a baseball glove
clenching an acorn.
Anyway, how's that application
to Cornell coming?
Well, my parents love it,
but they love everything I do.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Um, when are you gonna
cut the bullshit?
Sorry?
The bullshit, honey.
I'm a college counselor, okay?
A teacher of tomorrow?
Oh, that's intense.
You bet your puffy, little
nipples it's intense, okay?
Puffy, that is totally
what they are.
I have your file right here.
Know what's in there?
Phenomenal GPA.
Test scores through the roof.
You're a concert-level cellist.
And, yet, what did you write
your personal statement about?
On a pledge that me, Marisa,
and Kelly made freshman year.
Oh, right. That hair brained
banana-blow-job pact.
"Look at us.
We made a pact
to open our
college letters together.
What's gonna happen?
Oh, boy.
Even though we got
the letters months ago,
and our poor parents
need to put deposits down
to hold our spots."
It's selfish.
It's a personal statement.
Personal, okay? You wrote about
two other people.
It's important to me.
It's ridiculous.
You should be ashamed.
Congratulations!
Oh, my god.
Wow, that's a lot of balloons,
mom. Thank you.
I know. I know.
Nobody is surprised.
Your dad is making pancakes with
little Stanford S's on them.
He's hungry
after the night we had.
Oh, my god.
That's a good one.
Right?
That's a good one, mom.
You don't have to
give me a high-five.
I'm gonna...
No. Oh, okay.
Why don't we have
your first breakfast
as a Stanford girl?
Oh, don't cry.
"Stanford girl"?
Really,
we're gonna call me that?
We're gonna call you
"Stanford girl."
Don't cry. You can't
I don't wanna call you
your first name.
I wanna call you "Stanford
girl," oh, my goodness.
- I love you so much. I can't...
- I love you too.
Congratulations, seniors.
We've made it through
another school year.
Just remember that
today is your last day
to put your pictures up
on the college board map.
That's where we can see
where you're all going,
so we can all stay in touch.
On behalf of the entire
faculty, I just wanna say
how proud and honored I am
to have taught all of you,
and see you blossom into
the adults that I know you are.
I wanna get your pussy filled.
Okay.
Yeah.
You have so many
questions about sex.
We should get you some answers.
So?
Phil. Philly Cheesesteak!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Legland.
Hey.
What's good with you girls?
Hey.
Y'all chilling?
Chill... yeah. Just hanging out
and talking, you know?
I feel you.
I feel you.
Yo, y'all hip
to this new thug tape?
Yo, gangster shit.
Doesn't come out for a minute.
I got it two weeks early.
So you're, like,
ahead of the curve.
I mean, it's like, you know,
a culture, gangster shit.
You're on the pulse.
I'm sorry, what?
Like you know what's up
before it's up.
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah, you can call me hip.
Got it.
Yeah, that's exactly it.
One hundred, one hundred.
Right, yeah. I dig.
Good for you.
We're just trying to figure out
where the party is tonight.
Oh, yeah, me too.
I asked some dude.
He just called me a boner.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm not...
I'm not mad at him.
Not tripping.
I laugh at bullies, you know?
That's so cool.
Annie's status is "sometimes
my feet smell and my nose runs.
Does that mean
I was built upside down?"
Ugh. Sometimes
she's so stupid,
I think we should
worry about her,
but then I'm like, "nah."
That is so stupid.
It doesn't even make sense.
Like, I don't even get it.
Kelly, I cannot believe
you used to be friends
with those girls.
Yeah, it was a while ago.
You're so much better than them.
I mean, look at them.
They're so ugly
and kind of dusty-looking.
Seriously, Kelly,
how have you not told anyone
where you're going to college?
People are, like,
getting pissed.
You girls gonna be around
this summer?
Yes. Yeah.
Both of us will be.
I will be. She will be.
Both of us.
I'm... I'm
chilling too.
I'd love to hang...
Hang out, if you guys are down.
Sweet. I wanna hang.
I love food.
Me too.
- Sweet, sounds awesome.
- Definitely.
Great. Cool.
Great.
I'm, uh,
I'm gonna roll out, guys.
Sweet.
Awesome.
Good talking to you.
Likewise. Okay.
I'm sorry.
I went for another one.
She is so fucking gangster.
I can't even.
Later.
Annie, dude!
He's got fucking skinny legs.
You know what they say about
guys with skinny legs.
What do they say?
Big old dicks.
Really?
Yeah.
Do you think he has a big dick?
I don't know, man.
I wonder if it has
lots of veins in it.
Dicks have veins?
You haven't applied to
a single college, Marisa.
Yeah.
You literally think you're
too cool for school,
what, 'cause
your parents got divorced?
Everyone's parents get divorced.
We all know you went to go live
with your mom for two years.
Okay, you're back now,
and you're mine.
You wanna know
what I did in high school?
Yes. Please.
Tell me.
I gained 60 pounds in 12 days.
What?
Okay, the doctors were stunned.
I was on the evening news,
which was kind of great.
Listen, you have
to go to college, okay?
You don't have any skills.
Okay. Thanks.
Let me guess, you're gonna start
going by the name "tangerine"?
Start writing,
like, a feminist blog?
Get out of my... go!
Get out of my office.
What...?
Get out!
Really?
No, don't actually go.
Just stay but listen.
Keep your panties on, tangerine.
We've got a couple
of lessons to learn.
Marisa, could I get
a lorazepam, or an ativan,
or even, like, a Tylenol pm?
I just feel really nervous.
I wanna, but, uh, after I
gave something to that freshman,
his mom put him in rehab.
Thinks he's a drug addict.
You kind of did him a favor,
though, 'cause rehab's cool now.
I mean, I wanna go to rehab.
It would give me street cred.
What would you go for?
Not alcohol. That's fucked up.
Drugs.
Here's my star.
There she is.
So which university's orchestra
is the lucky winner?
We're dying to know.
Do we know?
Hey, Mr. Warner.
No, we don't know yet.
Because me, Marisa,
and Kelly are waiting
for a special moment
to open our letters.
Um, we decided freshman year
after I almost had to
suck off a banana that
we'd all do it together.
It's a big thing.
But that was before Kelly was
Xena: cunt warrior Princess
though.
Okay.
Let's not...
Stupid bitch.
Well, let's not go...
Jeez, you know?
So where are you girls
going to college?
You've got such vast skills.
Mr. Warner,
do you happen to know
where the party is tonight?
Well, I'm afraid
I can't help you there.
But I have been listening
to some of the kids.
And I did hear, um,
"don't forget to vote."
So not really
sure what that means.
Wow, okay.
Thank you.
I do remember this night
well though.
What you're doing
is you're wondering:
"Is Rebecca Franklin still gonna
want to make out with you
despite the fact
that you puked on her arm
and you scraped up your knee
on the concrete pretty good.
But, no, no, she's off.
She's chasing Trent Richland
with the rest of the girls
and the boys."
Who's Trent Richland?
This is fucking ridiculous.
Stupid kids.
How'd they even get your
phone number?
From Facebook.
I put it up on Facebook.
Big mistake.
This is officer Richland.
Very funny, you little turd.
I can find you.
I can trace the...
Don't give them
the satisfaction, Trent.
I should've shaved.
Fucking went undercover.
Yeah, that would've helped.
These little shits.
Look at them all.
Oh, yep. Yep.
Sorry. Sorry.
Keep walking. Keep walking!
Sorry.
Idiots. I'm gonna fuck
these kids up tonight.
I hope not.
I'm gonna fuck them up tonight.
I really hope you don't.
When you whisper,
it sounds more menacing.
Do me a favor, and stand down.
They're kids having fun at
the end of the year. You know?
You can turn
a blind eye to a party...
"Turn a blind eye," Joe Paterno?
See where that led him?
You see what happened to him?
You idiot.
You're the kind of guy
that thinks Jared from subway
actually just loves
submarine sandwiches.
No, he loved fucking
little boys, okay?
There's something going on, pal.
So keep your
fucking eyes peeled.
Because this party could be
anywhere and nowhere
at the same time.
Why don't we just let
these kids have their moment?
This is my moment.
Okay?
It smells like asparagus.
Kid, did you piss yourself?
I'm sorry.
We can't keep holding this kid
for texting and walking,
which isn't a crime.
His parents could sue us.
They could sue us.
Your parents gonna sue me?
Oh, t-they won't sue.
They're dentists.
They just...
Just let me go.
They're dentists, huh?
Yeah.
That's a good thing.
They're gonna have
to fix your teeth
when I blow them out
of your head.
Oh, shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let me show you something.
Know what this is?
It's a handgun.
Put a fucking hole
in your chest.
Not on purpose.
Where is the party?
Seems like...
Where's the party?
...unnecessary intimidation.
I'm gonna be honest.
I'm gonna be upfront.
I'm, like, usually the last guy
to hear about
this sort of thing.
Uh, like,
I probably wouldn't even go
if I knew where it was.
You know, parties,
they're kind of intimidating.
They scare me.
You're intimidating.
I see through
this kid's bullshit.
He doesn't... yeah?
He's a liar, okay?
He may be a dork
and a skinny, little pussy
who never gets his dick wet,
but I know he knows
where the party is.
You know where it is, don't you?
You're withholding
information from officers.
Know what that is?
A fucking felony.
Not in this case. It isn't.
It's a felony.
Know where you'll end up?
I'm gonna go to jail.
"I'm gonna go to jail."
Not jail, prison.
You're not a little bitch.
They're gonna eat you alive.
They're not.
They're gonna eat your lunch
and your asshole.
Oh, god.
That's what they do.
I think that we should
let him be a student.
We're gonna get you out
in just one second.
Hey, hey, hey.
Look, a group of fives there.
Sounds disrespectful.
What do you think?
I'm gonna talk to the fat one.
Fat ones
always leak information.
I'm gonna interrogate
these broads.
I don't think that's necessary.
All right.
Do you hear that?
That's the pace they're
gonna fuck you in prison.
All right.
Oh, Jesus.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Dick in your butt.
And it never stops.
Hey, ladies!
Let's have a chat.
Come here.
Stop right there.
Let's get you out of here,
brother. Come on.
Dude, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry about all this.
That guy is...
Uh, if you can believe it,
he's my boss.
And I think he's a legitimate
psychopath, so...
Ah, I think my left boob
deflated a bit.
Like, I was feeling my tits
this morning.
And it just feels way smaller
than my right.
I mean, I think that's normal.
One's also normally bigger
than the other.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, that's awesome.
Definitely.
Yeah.
Um, problem though, I don't feel
like I'm getting stimulated
by nipple play.
What?
That's not a problem.
Everyone's stimulated
by different things.
Yeah. I've just been,
like, experimenting.
Touching myself, watching porno.
Wait. What?
Are we doing...? Are you
saying we're doing porn now?
Yeah.
Hell, yeah!
You guys, the map's up.
Yeah? Is it? Cool. Kill
yourself, Dora the explorer.
"Map's up."
I don't give a fuck.
Come on.
Come on, god.
Oh, that's slick.
God, you are stupid as fuck.
So, Kelly, what, you just
gonna milk this all day?
Wait. Kelly, um, did you wait
to open your letter with us?
I actually wanted to talk...
Okay, let's just go.
We don't have time
for these losers.
I'm sorry.
What was that, cunt?
Are you guys gonna go
to the party tonight?
Are you guys going?
We'll be there, but you won't.
Because you're really weird.
I mean, did you even remember
to shower this morning?
No, I did last night.
It's the same. Everyone knows.
Marisa, did you even remember
to apply for college?
I know things
can get hard for you.
Yeah, they do.
They're called dicks.
Dicks get really hard
for me, Brooke.
- It's okay.
- Don't beat yourself up over it.
We don't want that whole
situation happening again.
Oh, when you pissed your bed
in middle school?
That did not happen.
But it did though.
Uh, Annie, sweetheart,
we can tell that your boobs
are two different sizes
in that shirt.
What? How?
Can you really tell?
No.
You're wearing a sports bra.
Why would she say that?
Because she's a bitch,
and she probably
has a secret ball sack.
I would shove his dick
so far down
my fucking esophagus, Annie.
Oh, my god.
That would hurt so bad.
All right, guys.
Jesse.
Yo. Yo, J...
Yo!
Welcome to your last homeroom
of the year!
So here we are,
the last day of the semester.
And I promise,
I don't know where the party is.
And even if I knew,
I'd never tell you.
Though, I really don't get
what's the big deal.
I guess some traditions
keep on growing,
no matter how stupid.
I have to say though,
I wish I saw
half of the creativity
I see in your party clues
in your papers.
You're fucking hilarious.
So for the last time this year,
can anyone spell my last name?
Anyone besides Jorge?
Yeah, just what I thought.
Okay, Mexico is your neighbor,
baronesses.
Oh, you know that one? Good.
So you might wanna think
about learning the language.
Oh, and I suppose
we should probably address this.
Oh, yeah.
They're... they're, ah, tits.
Look, whatever.
Dude, the "beeramyd"
tonight is gonna be epic, okay?
It's gonna be like
the most lit night
in school history ever.
The almighty beeramyd.
So that's it,
you finish high school.
And then you create
this weird monument
to celebrate
your future alcoholism.
Yeah, like current alcoholism.
Look, just, like, take a break
from being, like, divorced
and, like, sad and, like, poor.
You should come tonight.
I mean, like, literally,
what else are you doing?
I honestly don't know
where the party is, really.
And I got some finals to grade.
And gotta say, lately,
a glass of Pinot and I'm out.
I'm out too.
I love Pinot.
Pinot. Always.
Oh, no.
What?
Shut up, bitch.
God, your curls are just doing
a thing today that...
Good summer, right?
Have a good one.
Annie?
What happened?
I had a panic attack.
You're my panic attack.
Thanks. Marisa,
I just don't get it.
It was Kelly's idea
to always stay together,
and have each other's backs.
Yeah, well...
Shit happens.
Did you hear what I said?
- I hate this.
- Yes, I heard.
I hate today.
I heard you.
Okay, well,
fuck today, then, dude.
We don't need...
Today.
Let's... let's, uh, go to
the strip club.
I've always wanted
to go to the strip club.
I don't know about that.
It's not her fault, you know?
It is, though, like...
She deleted our pictures
off Facebook.
Like, she didn't
have to go there.
It's super disrespectful.
I was kind of insulted
a little bit.
Doesn't it make you feel bad
that she's not allowed
to be herself?
No. Because you always have
the option to be yourself.
That is solely up to you.
I can't believe
we don't talk anymore.
We used to be so close
before you left.
Hey, don't cry.
I actually thought
today would be different.
Annie.
Come on, babe.
Just wipe up and come out, yeah?
I can't.
Yes, you can.
No, literally, I can't.
I had a thing of Parmesan
for breakfast.
- Why?
- It looked good.
No. Why would you do that...?
That makes me angry.
I don't...
God, I'm spraying shit all over
the sides of the toilet.
It's like the part that the
flush doesn't get. I'm sorry.
Okay. It's okay.
Annie?
I got to go pee too.
Are you there?
Kelly, can you
just leave us alone?
Okay, for just today?
I was trying to
go to the bathroom.
Okay, go in the gym.
- Can we please just talk...?
- Hall passes.
Andy, are you shitting me, dude?
It is the last day of school.
You are not a Navy seal.
Okay, well, that was
inappropriate language.
Offensive clothing.
And the verdict for both
of you is detention.
What?
Fuck you.
Yeah, uh-huh.
And I hope your
computer crashes,
and you lose shit
you didn't save.
Take that back.
No.
Please take that back.
No, I will not.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
You know, it is the very
last day of school.
Andy, you're so cute.
No, I'm not.
You are. Do you think
you could just
let us off the hook
just this one time, please?
Well...
Pretty please?
Sure. Okay.
I don't think so.
The only thing getting
hard today is your lives.
Because your evil voodoo-vagina
magic doesn't work on me.
Because I masturbated
this morning,
and I'm good till
9 or 9:30.
Maybe if it was 9:45
and I was alone in my room,
we could've worked
something out.
All right.
Here you are.
Have a nice day, ladies.
Thank you.
Let's all hang out sometime.
You know, Andy,
I hope you fucking
sneeze and shit yourself
on accident, dude.
And slip and fall
in a puddle of shitty...
What?
...shit-covered rhino dicks.
I don't have a charger.
Thank you.
Okay, if your application
was so perfect, Kelly,
then why do you need
my approval?
I just need your signature.
Must be nice having
it all figured out, huh?
Excuse me?
I know you hired an outside
college counselor to help you.
Probably to spite me.
No, actually.
It's because you seem unwell.
You'll go to Stanford.
Oh, yeah, sure, you'll love it.
An amazing job will just fall
into that creamy lap.
You'll fall in love
with a doctor
with a devastating jawline.
I had a man like that once.
Should I say he had me?
What?
Listen, this doesn't work on me.
I don't care, okay?
Okay, can you please
just sign my application,
so I can turn it in today?
Oh, god. It's not due
for three weeks.
You don't get extra credit
for handing it in early.
Such a you thing to do.
My mother is planning
a going-away party
for the application.
We're all gonna gather
around the mailbox,
and she invited
all of her friends.
What if you don't get in?
Can you please
just sign my application?
No, I cannot.
How's your tummy?
You're looking a little pale.
Killing it, but pale.
Thank you.
I wonder where the party is.
Here.
God, I look pale?
Do you have, uh, like, makeup?
What, have we met?
Yo, I been meaning
to ask you, um...
you been masturbating?
Yeah.
Yeah, how much?
The usual amount.
Why? Did you hear something?
Um...
Well, what's, like,
your average?
Probably three to five times...
A day?
Oh, my god.
What, are you like a guy?
No, obviously not. Like,
three to five times a week.
What? That's it?
Okay.
Look, I don't know,
okay? Honestly.
How many times do you do it?
Whoa.
Annie. Um, personal.
I don't know.
Like 35 times a day.
Fuck. Are you kidding me?
I'm messing with you.
Oh, the whole time.
God.
I rode my bed the other day.
O-oh?
I dry-humped the corner
of my mattress.
Well...
probably gonna do it again.
Good for you.
Yup. It was cool.
How do you know
if you find your clitoris?
I'm touching down there,
feels great, could be better.
You just pop the hood.
Okay. Cool.
Annie.
Let me holler at you for a sec.
Let me spit you
something I wrote.
No, no, no.
You know what,
I'm gonna go off top.
I'm gonna go off top.
I just wanna let you know
that you're beautiful.
That I feel you, you know?
I feel like...
Like we're the same
in a sort of way, you know?
Honestly, if I came here tonight
and I didn't say anything,
I'd be mad regretful,
so here's me saying...
I think we'd be great together.
I just think we'd be lit.
I've always thought so.
So, what's up?
You with it?
Well, this is so unexpected.
Damn. Hot damn.
Oh, hey.
Oh!
Chug-offs aren't fair.
You don't have a gag reflex.
Yeah, I do. I'm a champ.
I'm fucking queen of the world!
Oh, okay.
You ever seen
an uncircumcised penis?
Yeah, um...
you seen those videos of, like,
people giving birth
and the baby's head crowning?
What? No.
Pushing through? No?
Mm-mm.
Uh, what about, like,
those sausage biscuits?
A little, uh, pig in a blanket?
No. I've no idea.
I'm starving.
You hungry?
Not anymore.
Actually, yes, I'm very hungry.
Annie.
Is that Sarah Richter?
- Oh, wow!
- She looks different,
but that is her.
She's the new custodian.
Annie, she's a janitor.
Bet she probably just cleaned
the shit out of the toilet.
No. No.
Yeah.
Oh, I hope not.
Oh, my god,
dude, she's pregnant.
Remember when we egged her
freshman year?
I almost feel bad.
Almost.
You know what?
I would not mind
getting knocked up one day.
What?
I'm just saying, like...
I don't wanna have a kid,
but, yeah,
I wanna get knocked up.
Okay.
I feel like orgasms
are hard to come by.
Probably.
I came close once at a recital.
Yeah?
Yes.
I actually just peed.
But it was really warm,
and it felt really good.
What the fuck?
Okay, hold on.
So you and Phil.
Wait. Wait a sec, okay?
Kelly still loves us.
It doesn't matter,
regardless of the letters
and other girls.
Shut the fuck up about Kelly.
All right?
Just, like, stop.
You don't think
about our future, do you?
Everything's gonna change
next year.
I'm living in the moment.
If you got a foot in the past,
and a foot in the future,
you're pissing on the present.
Sure. Um,
what do I got to do?
Really?
Yeah.
I wanna go to the party.
If our friendship's dying,
then you know I wanna be
at that funeral.
Okay.
I'll go.
But, uh, we gotta do something
I've been wanting to do
for a real long time.
Ha, ha!
Okay. All right.
Okay.
This just feels
a little extreme, Marisa,
breaking the law and everything.
I don't wanna go to jail.
I'm not ready
to be a lesbian yet.
No, baby,
you don't gotta be gay to play.
Oh!
Just testing it out.
Look, I got this.
All right? I got me. I got you.
I got us. I got a game plan.
We got this in the fucking bag.
Okay.
Just breathe,
count to, like, 30.
Got it. Okay. Good luck.
It's fine. I'll be back.
Okay. Have fun.
Don't fucking move, Annie.
Okay.
Fuck.
Okay, okay, okay.
Run, bitch! Go! Let's go!
Go, go, go!
I got the money, bunny.
I am living in this moment!
Oh, my god.
We did it! That's how we do.
That's how we do.
Let's scratch off.
Keep that
high spirit rolling, Annie.
Come on! Dude, shake your hand.
I can't. I'm driving.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, where did he
get a brick though?
Dude, fuck if I know.
He's an old man.
What? Maybe...
He had it, like, sitting around
for exactly this situation
and took it.
He knew what was happening.
Annie, that is fucked up!
I love it!
I love it so much.
Dude, I know old man withers
couldn't catch up with me.
Like, fuck the system.
Corporate America is going down.
I am the conspiracy theory.
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
We do gotta fix the car though.
Dude, we're rich, bitch.
We'll just buy a new one.
I do not want a new one.
I gotta have this car.
I got this
for making the honor roll
every quarter.
Nerd alert.
Stop. Don't dance.
Don't dance.
And you're for sure gonna go
to the party now. For sure.
Yeah, I know. I...
Yeah, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna be there.
We've never even broken 20
on scratchers.
We never had the whole case.
That's true.
That's true. We got it.
Just look at 'em, Annie.
God, so beautiful.
I cannot wait to go shopping
for dresses tonight.
Me too. We can,
like, get manicures.
I think, like, maybe a hike
or, like, yoga.
'Cause, like, my chakras
have just been
really out of whack lately.
Kombucha to open...
I get the joke.
...my chest chakra.
I get it. Okay.
We had a deal.
And we also have to fix my whip.
Oh, are we calling it a whip?
Yes, I like that term.
Just needed to clarify.
Totally. Um...
A deal's a deal.
But I'm wearing this.
You look so good.
Thank you.
I have an idea.
Hm?
So suck on my penis.
Knock-knock.
Hi, how's my girl?
Okay.
Just okay?
Uh-uh. Not today.
It's the day we've
all been waiting for.
Who's "we"?
You know you can be excited
about this, right?
Shouldn't you be getting ready
for the party?
Yeah, um. Mom, I kind of wanted
to talk to you about that. I...
I think I just kind of expected
something different
out of today, and, um...
I don't know, like,
my friends at school...
Honey, just enjoy the ride.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
I mean, that's all
I'm trying to do
is just enjoy the ride.
But I feel like I just need
a moment to just be.
This is your moment
to "just be."
you won.
I don't know
what that means, "I won."
Honey.
I just feel like
I can't catch my breath,
you know
what I'm saying? Like...
I just... I just need to...
Try on this gorgeous dress.
I don't wanna go to the party.
What? No,
you have to go to the party.
It wouldn't be the same
without you.
And you owe it to those kids
that look up to you.
I'm just gonna rest
for a minute,
before I have to go back
to detention.
Detention? What...?
Is this about a boy?
No.
Don't tell me.
I'll find out.
I'll find out.
And besides,
I can't cancel the limo anyway,
and all the girls are in.
You didn't.
Yes, I did.
How rude of me. Shrimp?
The smell is enough for me.
Thanks.
I'd open the window
but they're painted shut.
Rumor has it the last Counselor
leapt to her death.
Oh, my god. Is that true?
I don't know.
I block out a lot.
A lot, a lot.
So about signing my application?
Yeah, okay.
I will sign away, okay,
but I need you to do one thing.
I need you to honor the pact
that you made
with Annie and Marisa.
It's that simple.
How do you know about that?
Annie wrote about it
in her personal statement.
Really?
That little meatball's got
a lot of faith in you.
I told her,
"give up on your dreams,"
just like I did when I married
a sergeant and moved to Wichita.
Little did I know
that I was about to enter
four years of polygamy hell.
My mother told me
I didn't look good in a bonnet,
and I didn't listen.
Wow, you actually have
an amazing face for a bonnet.
You know that?
Can you please just sign
my application?
I promise you if you don't,
my mother is going to call you,
and I really don't think
you want that.
Is your mother single?
Just curious.
No, she's married to my dad.
Okay. Jesus.
A judgment's not gonna
do you well at Stanford.
Oh, wait, yes, it will.
I'm not impressed, babe.
I see one of you every year.
In, out, in, out.
In more ways than one.
We should get, like,
an off-roading Jeep.
We can put our money together.
Whip it, bitch!
That's why
I fuck with you, Annie.
- Oh, fuck.
- Okay, where the fuck are we?
You just gotta trust me.
Have I ever let you down?
No, you haven't.
No, I've never let you down.
This is this guy's business.
- This is his lobby to his office.
- Okay.
And we're just waiting
for his services.
It's strange.
It's a weird business.
I can't get how it works.
No, no. He knows his clientele.
Okay. Right.
Right?
It's gonna be fine.
Okay, cool.
I love you, queen.
I love you.
Thank you. That helped.
Hey, yo, Adrian!
What up, little 'Risa?
Yes. I love this guy.
Hi. Uh,
just the back window.
Dude, get your ass in the back.
I know how to pay you
for your services.
What? Don't do a blow job
with this guy.
I've heard really bad stories
about dicks.
Wait, Annie.
Bad dicks or bad stories?
No, no. Sir, I'm just gonna have
to ask you to leave.
I can't have
sexual relations in my car.
I'm not gonna give him
a "blowgy."
Dude, I don't even
have my stuff.
Are you packing
fucking heat, yo?
Hashtag OG, 80 percent indica,
20 percent sativa,
100 percent dank. Ah.
This shit will
melt your face off.
How did you score this,
you little fucking genius?
Grandma. Neuropathy.
Dude, shit's sad,
but what can you do?
All right.
What else you got for me?
Toss in some scratchies.
All right, deal.
You can pick it up
in a couple hours.
I'll meet you back here.
Yes.
Sounds good.
Great.
Couple hours, great.
Deal.
A couple hours?
That timing
will work out perfect.
You always got my back, dude.
- You knows it.
- I really appreciate you.
Adrian...
Uh, just out of, like,
curiosity. Uh...
Do you have any information
on the location
of the party tonight?
Either of you read Vonnegut?
What?
Religiously.
If you find the party,
if you don't, so it goes.
Yeah. Yeah,
I like that.
Okay. For sure.
Just, uh, give me a call, okay?
Thanks, bro.
God. He is the man.
He's so loyal.
No one has loyalty
like that anymore,
except for you. You're my girl.
I was gonna say. Ha, ha.
Um, sorry. Question.
- How are we gonna get back?
- I'm getting us an Uber.
And I know
where to get you a dress.
So suck on my penis.
- I'm sorry this happened to you.
- What an inconvenient day.
We will get back to you as soon
as we know more information.
Okay? Thank you so much.
I'll call you.
Please don't.
Okay, so we are
looking for two girls
driving a vehicle
with a smashed-out windshield
who have stolen
a case of scratchers.
Great. Great.
I don't care, okay?
It doesn't seem like
they'd be too far.
This just happened.
It should be
easy to spot the vehicle.
And?
This information? Throw it away.
Yeah?
I'll toss it.
Because I just got myself a text
from a dweeb I've got
on the inside.
Okay.
And he tells me he saw
a couple of kids
rolling some kegs
to a dirt lot five minutes
from here.
You have childr...
An informant who's a child?
A couple of high school kids.
Couple of...
I give them burner phones.
Little cricket...
Cricket burner phones.
They text me
when they see something shady.
If you see something,
say something.
I'm saying something about that.
That seems shady.
Our rules are protect,
serve and kill.
Oh, I didn't know
that third one was included.
Thought it was the first two.
Protect, serve and kill.
A, B, C.
Learn to be a cop.
Learn to be a cop.
I'm trying.
Embarrassing.
My queen. I need my queen.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah. Yes.
I feel like I'm in
dancing with the stars.
I'm gonna drop a beat.
I love that one.
That's my favorite one.
It's kind of cool though, right?
Yeah, I love...
The color's beautiful on you,
but it's, uh... turn around.
Is it...? Is it squeezing?
Um, yeah, but I think
that's just my body.
Clothing companies
don't make clothes for my body.
No, it's... do another one.
This might be tough to get off.
If I scream, call the cops.
No, you call me
because I'm your knight
in shining armor.
I love you, baby.
Just slice it right off.
Marisa? We gotta go.
What...? What's up?
No, we're not going.
I wanna see more.
I like this one. This...
We have to go.
No.
No.
Okay. Yeah, all right.
No, go. Go. Go.
It hurts too.
I will meet you.
It's dripping, Marisa.
Man, everyone's waiting
to find out if Kelly got in.
I bet she'll announce it
at the party tonight.
Probably. Sure wish
you didn't give a shit.
Yeah.
I mean,
I get things got messed up.
After you went to gram's,
I kind of freaked out.
Maybe I just care too much
about honoring the right thing.
Maybe I'm a modern-day Jedi.
I'm Mace Windu, you know?
Yeah, you are. Totally.
Remember our strokes cover band?
Ha-ha-ha.
We rocked. We were good.
We killed!
No, Annie, you rocked.
You're like the Michael Jordan
of weird high-school girls
that play cello.
No. You were so good on guitar.
I don't know why you stopped.
Because I'm a quitter.
I'm the quitter.
I'm a first-place quitter.
Yes! Money!
Make it rain.
Uh-oh.
Here we go.
Don't you hate when you shit
and the tampon comes out?
It's like, do I take it out
or do I waste a new one,
or push it back in?
Push it back in.
You know gardeners
do crack in those?
So? It's private.
Shit, dude.
I have detention.
Oh, my god. I wanna come.
I've never been.
Um...
no, seriously, we gotta go.
Okay.
This will be great.
Annie, I never gave you
detention.
Annie.
I'm just here for fun.
Well, this is gonna be
the opposite of fun,
because here are
the rules... hey!
Here are the rules
for Andy's detention,
since no teacher wanted
to take it over, which means:
No speaking, no thinking,
no breathing
no being fat, no being ugly...
Don't be annoying,
and focus on no one
but yourself.
You! No talking.
N-o-o, no.
I... I didn't...
She didn't even do anything...
No. No.
All right. I want all of you
to write me
a very detailed essay
on how to get a girlfriend.
Uh, not that it's for me.
I'm asking for a friend.
And be detailed.
I want, minimum, 7000 words.
All right? Pictures count
as one word.
Annie.
Hey! I don't
see you writing.
Why are you looking at me?
Start writing.
For those of you who are
still here
for detention, unbelievable.
Uh, also,
regarding this party tonight,
guys, please be safe.
Your old Princi-pal
still cares, after all.
Uh, uh, uh.
Turn off your phones,
or if that's a vibrator,
then go use that at home,
you sick freaks.
Phones where I can see them.
Kelly. Kelly.
Have a seat.
What?
Hey, Marisa.
Marisa, I texted...
Annie, check your...
Check Marisa's phone, please...
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
You sound so crazy.
I have a proposition for you.
What do you want, Andy?
I need to know
where that party is.
Marisa!
Marisa, wait!
Kelly texted you?
Yeah.
What did she text you?
I don't know. I deleted it.
You what?
What the hell is wrong with you?
Marisa...
What the fuck
is wrong with you, dude?
You know, I'm starting
to take this personally.
All right?
As your best friend, all day,
we've been talking
about this fucking fantasy world
that you are never
gonna live in.
I wanna know what happened.
You don't know shit.
You're stressing over a girl
that does not give
a fuck about you.
Get it together, dude.
Take the fucking pigtails out.
Put your big-girl hat on.
Because I'm tired of this.
You brought me
to this fucking point today!
People leave you.
They don't care!
I don't think so.
I don't care
what you fucking think,
because I know.
So you have fun at Cornell
with your Ivy league
bullshit friends,
but I'm out.
Deuces.
I cannot believe we did that.
We are such cool best friends.
What?
Let's always be this way.
Let's always be this cool,
- and this there for each other.
- Oh, my god, yes.
I think that we should open
our college
acceptance letters together
at the end of that stupid party.
Really?
Yes.
That's a great idea.
That's amazing.
Dead serious.
It'd be so meaningful.
No, it's dope. Dope.
You know what it's time for?
What?
Do you know what it's time for?
- A group hug?
- Time for a group hug.
Annie, is it group hug time?
Group hug. Get in here.
I love you guys.
Hey. Annie Legland.
Ah.
Hey, Phil.
Grandma?
Hey, baby.
What are you doing here?
What do you mean,
what am I doing here?
I came to see you.
To say hi.
You seen the little sewing kit?
I'm trying to fix
this button on my shirt.
Hot date tonight?
Yeah, actually.
Met her online.
Yeah. Don't need
to know the details.
Marisa, hold up.
Dude, are you really
trying to connect
with me right now?
You came over for a sewing kit.
I'm sorry. I just...
No, but you're not, though.
I have homework.
Isn't it the last day?
Yup.
Congratulations.
Do you mind if I call you
tangerine?
Yeah, I wish everybody
called me that.
Tangy, I know you think
this stuff
is all bullshit, okay?
I do.
I know people
like you. They say:
"Oh, Mark Zuckerberg
dropped out of Harvard.
Look at him now, right?"
That's what I'm saying.
Well, listen up.
To drop out,
he had to get into Harvard,
and to get into Harvard,
he had to apply.
If he hadn't done that
he'd just be
another sex offender
with a website.
Can we please hang out
outside of school?
Not till you're older.
Not till you're 18, or 21
or whatever the legal age
is in this state.
I forget, I move a lot.
You've seen some shit, huh?
Yeah. Okay?
Yeah.
And you could too,
if you'd stop being
this off-brand
version of yourself.
Liz. Come on. That makes me feel
like a generic razor.
Yes! Exactly.
See? You're smart.
Just apply
to a state school, okay?
You're gonna get in.
There'll be girls running around
like, "where's my dad?"
you know, you'll get along.
And, um...
Let yourself
have a lesbian phase.
It makes you
a better person and citizen.
And not that you want to,
but if you wanna be a mother,
it'll make you
a better mother too.
You're all right, Liz.
You're not okay,
but you're all right.
One last thing.
Should the chance
present itself,
please honor the pact you have
with meatball
and Blondie McBonnet face.
Hey, if I ever go through
that lesbian phase,
I'm gonna call you.
Oh, my god. Thank you.
Voil. What do you think?
Oh, my god.
It looks like a cat.
Oh, no.
No, no. This is...
This is horribly wrong.
What? It says "fab" on it?
Oh, lord, no.
There are lips. Ah!
And there's a decal
with your name on it.
It's like Barney or something.
This is all wrong!
This is criminally wrong,
what you've done to me.
Do you understand that?
I have the biggest party
of my life tonight.
I cannot pull up in this.
Everyone will think
I'm a stripper.
That is not okay.
Do you read Vonnegut?
Yes, I do!
You already asked me.
That's not
what we're talking about.
So it goes.
No! No! No!
It doesn't go.
I can't go anywhere in this car!
I'm not gonna go!
Please just, god, stop smoking.
Save us all.
Weed is a gateway drug,
okay? Just...
Namaste.
Smile!
We're going to college.
Yay!
So exciting.
Have fun, girls.
This shit is rigged.
- Hi, sweetheart. It's mom.
- Uh, just checking in.
Hope everything is going
according to plan.
I know it's your big night.
I want everything
to go well for you.
I got you two things for dinner.
I got Italian and Chinese.
I know you like
to have a little bit
of selection
of what you're gonna eat.
Nice whip.
I miss us.
What?
That's what Kelly's
text message said.
"I miss us."
Oh.
Why didn't you tell me that?
Annie, why would I?
Dude, I don't wanna lose you.
You and Kelly, like, applied
to the same schools
and everything.
Places I have
no business being at.
Dude, like, in my mind,
Kelly's the bitch.
But you said
that Kelly turned on you.
Okay, yeah, I...
I say a lot of shit.
God. I thought
you were my best friend.
I am, Annie.
That's the thing. You have me.
You have a family.
You have a long list of people.
I have a very short list.
Kelly doesn't wanna be
on mine. That's fine.
You're my one person.
She can't just, like, jump in
and out whenever she wants to.
She left. She's gone.
Crossed her off.
One less person to care about.
God.
I'm just gonna say it.
I'm gonna go
make something of myself.
You can't stand that, can you?
You can't take it.
You're scared
of what you may feel
if you go
into the real world. Right?
A place that isn't
shocked by your wit.
A world that
actually values talent
and hard work and honesty.
The moment you felt pain
from your parents' divorce,
you bailed on me
and you bailed on us.
You wanna know
why I wanna get so far away?
I wanna go,
so I don't end up like you...
Sad and scared and just
fucking running away.
Cool.
I'm glad I could be
your motivation.
ID, please?
Look, ma'am, I just...
Sarah Richter?
I swear, I saw you earlier.
Gotta have more than
one job these days.
Are you serious?
This isn't even fake.
This is your real ID
that says you're underage.
Yeah, I know.
Can you just,
like, cut me some slack?
I just lost my best friend.
Hm.
One of those girls I saw
at that party?
Yeah.
Whatever you did,
don't worry about it.
You're gonna do
a lot of stupid shit,
especially when you're young.
Yeah, who says that?
I'm not even 25.
I'm buried in credit card debt,
couldn't finish college.
My only friend is my alcoholic
and unemployable boyfriend.
Not to mention I have
a real-life baby on the way.
So, yeah.
Shit gets real.
You'll know when it does.
I really fucked up this time.
Apologize, and then move on.
And, you know,
don't even take life
so seriously.
No one gets out alive.
Richter got jokes.
That was a good one.
Can I just...?
If you get caught,
I did not sell that to you.
Yes. You're gonna be
a tight-ass mom.
You going to the party tonight?
No.
Dude, fuck that party.
Oh, god. Fuck it.
Here I come, Phil.
You know what, Annie?
I actually used
to be just like you:
Young, talented,
still a mouth virgin.
Heh. I had dreams too.
And I chased those dreams
all the way down to Mexico.
Despite the weight gain,
I was actually
a very successful dancer.
I'm learning about you today.
Today's not about me.
It's about you,
Anna banana, okay?
The point is, you need
to start living for you, okay?
You can't wait around
for magic to come to you.
It's gonna come in different
forms. It's gonna come to you
in the form of a German juggler
with kind eyes who's a liar.
Annie, he's a liar.
Wait. I think there's
a difference
between magic and a promise.
I have faith
that Kelly and Marisa
are gonna keep their promise.
Oh, god, it's so sad to hear you
just nurture this pipe dream.
"Ma, here's my dream."
Let it die, honey.
You know what, Liz?
This matters to me.
Even if I'm the only one
who still cares,
I'm still gonna finish the job
because we were best friends.
Well, reality called
looking for you.
I said you were in the shower,
but I don't know how much
more time you have,
you sweet little Vienna sausage.
All right.
Well, Liz, I know you mean well.
Fuck.
Sorry. It's just...
It's like holding a clam
that hasn't
been born yet, you know?
Okay. Go.
Go!
I'm kidding. I'm not mad.
Yo, fuck you.
I'm talking to a wall.
Fuck!
Just because they're
on a skateboard
doesn't mean
they couldn't be speeding.
I think it literally means they
couldn't be speeding, but...
This is the spot, buddy boy.
Is it?
This is where I bust 'em.
My little secret spot.
What?
Why?
Gram?
Hey, baby.
Have a cannabis cookie.
Oh, gram, these are raw.
Mm.
Oh.
Okay, and very strong.
Um, heh, how many
of those have you had?
I don't know.
Three? Eleven?
Okay, gram,
let's talk about
what's up with the lawn.
Oh. This handsome
young boy came by
and he had
all these political signs
for some woman
that's running for office.
And guess what her name is.
Bohner. Heh. Get it?
I get it. No, I get it.
Bohner.
Are you sure
that's how you say it?
Yes. Bohner.
Now, you know
that heifer got my vote.
You know it!
Bohner?
Yo!
Don't forget to vote.
He called me a boner.
Gram, you are a genius!
I need to get my Annie back!
No, honey, I'm a baptist.
Okay. Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
"Do you have a condom, Phil?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact,
I do know how to put it on."
"Just don't forget
the reservoir tip."
What?
No, that's not right.
Oh, come on.
Oh. Heh. Hi.
Wow. Annie,
you look beautiful.
Wow, thanks.
You look hot.
I was just practicing
what to say to you.
You're ridiculous.
You don't have to do that.
No? Okay, cool.
No.
This whip is one of the craziest
things I've ever seen.
Yeah?
Yeah. I love it.
It's not how it usually is.
It's a long story.
Really?
I can't wait to hear it.
You do? Heh. Okay.
Great.
So, uh, where we going?
We are rolling to the party.
We just gotta
figure out where it is.
Yeah, I have... I have
no idea where it's at.
No?
Okay, well, you know what?
Fuck the clues.
We're above the clues.
We'll be smarter than the clues.
We're gonna rise above
the clues.
What? Right?
I dig.
Okay. So we know
there's gonna be
a lot of booze
at the party, right?
No doubt.
Why don't you get me the number
for the biggest
liquor store in town.
Where's your phone?
It's right here.
One off top. Here we go.
Okay.
"One off top."
Like you know it already?
Yeah, of course.
That's really cool.
Alcoholic.
It's ringing.
It's ringing? Okay.
Okay.
Uh, hey there. Yeah.
I'm having a big party tonight
and my girlfriend
is a dumb bitch
and she totally doesn't know
the address she gave you.
It's, like, a big delivery.
Does that ring a bell?
Oh. Ugh.
He hung up on you?
Yeah. I don't think
I was slutty enough.
Okay, I don't think that's what
it was, but if you think so.
Let me get you another one.
I got you.
I really think so.
You know what?
Watch slutty.
I'm gonna do slutty this time.
Okay, it's gotta be...
It's gotta be this one.
Okay.
It's ringing.
Oh, my god.
Okay, slutty.
Hi there, cutie.
Hi.
My girlfriends and I are having
a big party tonight
and we placed
a large order of beer.
Okay.
Jessica, you left
your panties in the hot tub.
Oh, your bra too.
You look amazing naked.
Oh, you know what?
This beer talk
is making me so fucking horny.
Oh, my god.
Oh, I'm so...
Heh, oh.
You know what?
That is right.
Thank you so much.
You're so handsome.
Stud.
You're a genius.
Good looks on calling him stud.
Thank you.
Oh, my god.
Maybe I'll call you a stud.
I'd love that. What?
Right? You like that?
We rolling? Start the whip.
Yeah, let's go. Okay.
I've always wanted
to call somebody "baby,"
but I can't pull it off.
Okay. Well, let's practice.
Okay.
Let's go, baby.
Yeah, I'm chubbin'.
Seven, eight, nine,
10, 11, 12, 13, 14!
Yo, that felt good.
Yeah.
It's really great
going down the throat.
Marisa. Oh, my goodness.
Hey. What's up?
You made it.
Yeah. You made it.
Wow. Where's Annie?
Uh...
Annie!
I don't know.
We got in a fight.
Oh, my gosh. No.
I don't know. I feel... yeah.
Tonight? Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
Thank you.
I'm...
Okay. You just... you...
you can't take this stuff
too seriously, you know?
In the end, it's
all farts and cheeto dust.
Heh. Okay.
I like that. Thank you.
Thank you.
Dap it.
Yeah.
I'll see you later.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay...
Let's line them up for Mr. W.
Get in here, boys.
Come on,
who's hot for teacher, huh?
Lift this old man up.
I'm feeling rusty.
All right.
Don't be gentle.
See? If I just put my, like,
mouth over his thingy,
and when he puts, like...
So?
When are you gonna tell
everyone?
What?
Stanford. Your mom told me
you got into Stanford.
When did you talk to my mom?
Today. I mean, we talk, you
know. I text her and stuff.
That's a bummer.
Bummer? No, come on.
Let's get you a drink.
One more shot,
and you won't feel sad.
You know, Trent,
I gotta tell you
I like you clean-shaven.
Are you flirting with me?
I'm not flirting with you.
Just giving a compliment.
You look younger and fresher.
Like a high school kid.
High school?
Yeah. I mean,
you're just like a teen.
Like a freshman?
Maybe not a freshman.
Sophomore.
Well, I was gonna say...
Sophomore makes sense.
Like a gargantuan sophomore.
High school. High school.
Oh, my god. It's...
Right? What do you say?
It was the worst... was it?
So awesome! It was awesome.
Okay.
I was king of high school.
Were you?
The king and the queen.
How does that work?
I was prom king and queen.
Four years in a row.
You took yourself to the prom?
Sure did.
They voted you king and queen?
Sure did.
Don't think
they were making fun of you?
People don't
make fun of me, bud.
Right. I made most of my friends
in high school playing sports.
Oh, yeah? What'd you play?
Yeah.
I was a cross-country runner
and swimming.
Heh. That's good.
That's funny.
Running and swimming.
Those aren't sports.
What are you talking about?
They gotta have a ball.
Baseball, basketball,
football, tennis,
soccer, hockey.
That's what I played.
Hockey's not a ball.
Yes, it is.
It's a flat ball. It's just
a ball that's been flattened.
Thanks. What was
your favorite sport?
Tennis. Loved tennis
more than anything.
Really?
That surprises me.
Yeah, tore my rotator cuff.
Oh, that's too bad.
Hey...
hm?
Shit happens, man.
What did you just say?
Shit happens.
Like, life happens.
There's ups and downs, and...
Shit doesn't happen to me, okay?
No?
Not anymore.
Okay.
Oh, look at this.
We got one.
We got one. Here we go.
That's a real one.
It's a real one.
Yes! Yes!
You are so excited.
Light 'em up!
He he he!
Boy, I'm glad we are going
to this party together.
And you and I are gonna
always have this
to share
with each other. God.
Beautiful.
Man...
Hey, just so you know,
I broke my hymen
in fourth grade riding a horse.
Huh?
- Oh! Annie, Annie.
- What? What?
- You're getting pulled over.
- What? No.
You're going really fast.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
We have to go faster.
What?
No. Pull over.
We have to go faster.
Annie, you have to pull over.
Sorry, Phil.
We gotta get to the party.
Is this how fast
you normally go?
I usually go double this speed.
Please don't.
Don't even go any more...
Do or don't?
Please don't, Trent.
Come on, man...
Oh, come on! No!
I wanna be a lawyer. Jesus.
Yeah, buddy!
Oh, my god. Shit. Slam it.
Best day of our lives.
Slam it. Go!
Best day of our lives!
Best day of our lives.
Okay, okay, okay.
We're gonna get
this big Barney vehicle.
What do you think
about this? This is easy.
"Barney vehicle"?
Barney. It's a deep purple.
That's not purple. That's a...
That's a magenta, right?
That is for sure a fuchsia.
That's not a fuchsia.
Yes, it is. If anything,
it's closer to plum.
What? Are you insane?
Maybe like a pre-ripe plum.
Maybe chartreuse, if anything.
I think you don't know
your colors.
You don't know your colors.
I know my colors!
No disrespect.
I doubt that you do know
your full range
of colors, Trent.
Uh-uh.
Nothing from you.
Have you seen Annie?
Because I can't find her.
No. Why?
Don't act like you give a shit.
Whoa. Okay. I have
a rape whistle in my vagina.
I'll use it.
- I am done with your bullshit.
- What bullshit?
You blaming me
for what happened.
I need you to be a little bit
more specific.
When you left town, Marisa,
you abandoned us,
and you were so sure
I was gonna become everything
that you hated about this town,
but that's
what you turned me into.
You turned me into this,
this bullshit high-school
stereotype.
I didn't create this mess
with Annie, Marisa. You did.
Okay.
And fuck you, by the way
for assuming
that I wouldn't be there
for you when you were gone.
Whoa...
you love acting
like this friendship
has never mattered
to me, Marisa, but it did.
Are you done?
I am not this perfect thing
that you think I am.
I am the same person
that I have always been.
I didn't change
just because you left town.
Shit. The cops.
- Gotta go to the party.
- Fuck. Go.
Where's that house?
We'll have so much fun. Yes!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Yo, they're shooting at us.
They're shooting at us!
What?
What the fuck? Annie, Annie!
Watch out! Watch out!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Annie!
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god, the beeramyd!
Holy shit.
Yes, queen! Heh!
That's my, my best friend.
Annie, I'm so proud of you,
dude. Did you get some dick?
Hey, what's up, Phil?
You're hilarious. Hi.
Hey.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you more.
I love you the most.
I love you so much.
I love you the mostest.
Okay. Cool.
Okay.
Kelly.
I'm feeling very confident,
and I request your presence.
Come over here, please.
I gotta pee.
No, you don't gotta pee.
You're staying.
You're waiting right here.
I love you guys so much.
I love you more than anything.
You're my best friends.
There's only one way to do this.
We gotta do a group hug.
We gotta do a group hug.
We got to.
Yes.
Aw.
Shut the fuck up!
Enough emotional shit!
Look who we have here.
Oh, busted. Busted!
Andy.
Over here.
Move, you basic bitches.
I'm coming.
Don't start without me.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Congrats, bitches.
You just got front row seats
to 23 jump street.
Put your gun down.
Okay.
Ladies, you're busted.
I'm gonna write you a ticket
for, let's see,
public intoxication,
underage drinking,
drinking in public...
Um, excuse me.
Well, well, well.
Hello, Sarah.
What are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?
- What are you doing here
partying with all these losers?
I'm actually house-sitting
for Councilwoman Bohner.
Councilwoman Bohner?
Boner. I have that
sometimes.
Andy.
I could call her
if you want.
She knows all about the party.
I didn't know if you wanted
to start on a sour note
with a newly-minted city
bureaucrat.
Ooh.
- Burn!
- Enough. That's enough!
You're still getting a ticket.
You're still all...
you will be arresting
nobody here, Trent.
You got a lot
of nerve coming here.
First, you steal my gal,
then you shit in the jacuzzi
at the graduation party.
That's not true.
None of that is true.
I never shit in the jacuzzi.
You know, I used
to wanna be you.
I did.
But now I got you figured out.
You, sir, suck.
What did you just say?
You suck.
Oh, no. He did not.
Yes, he did.
You suck!
You suck!
He doesn't suck.
He gets sucked.
I get sucked.
You suck!
No. I get sucked. I get sucked.
You suck! You suck!
He gets sucked.
Stop it.
Stop it now!
You suck! You suck!
No! I'm an officer of the law!
You suck! You suck!
You're all going to jail!
You're going to jail.
I'm gonna get backup.
We'll shoot all of you guys.
You suck! You suck! You suck!
Andy!
Oh, my god.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's a dumb-ass.
Yeah!
- Let's go, girls.
- I'm down. What's up?
Oh, my god. All of us.
Guys, this is the best night
I've had in such a long time.
We're back.
We're the three amigos.
You mean TLC.
I should probably apologize.
Just for all the shit
that went down when I left.
No. I get it.
I would've hated me too.
Shut up, you guys.
Let's just enjoy this.
All right.
Let's do this.
Phil and I gotta fuck.
Oh, my god.