Little Black Book (2004) Movie Script

Question: How does a girl who falls...
No, actually, she jumps...
... eyes open, down a rabbit hole,
plummeting into chaos...
... come out the other end
The answer?
She doesn't.
See, I know,
because that girl is me.
But to truly understand
the predicament I was in...
... i.e., stuck in the middle of chaos...
... you'd have to go back
to that first day at my new job.
Actually, to be fair,
you should go back a little further...
... starting with Mom.
Don't worry. I'm not blaming her...
... entirely.
She believed that all problems could
be solved by listening to Carly Simon.
Greatest Hits.
Side two. Hurry.
Something about her voice,
or her lyrics, or her music...
... helped Mom clear the chaos...
... especially after a fight with Dad.
Or when he left us for good.
People said Mom was better off.
They said she was lucky.
But she believed...
Luck is when preparation
meets opportunity.
You gotta prepare
for the life you want.
And though I knew I wanted
a career in broadcast journalism...
... it took a little Carly
and a lot of time...
... to find the person
I most wanted to work with.
- She is smart and she is learning.
- Diane Sawyer.
- Chic, smart, intelligent...
- And she married well.
Good point.
- She's a little beige.
- No, no, she's taupe.
Taupe is never beige.
Taupe's classic. Confident.
- It says, "I'm elegant."
- "And I don't need color to prove it."
There you go.
I wanna work with her one day.
- You should work with her.
- I will work with her.
With my career decided,
I left for college...
... hopeful I would meet someone
I could be certain of.
- Phillip.
- Bruce.
- Jeremy.
- Noah.
- Trotsky.
- Frank.
- Bean.
- Bean? As in, "How have you...?"
Bean. Yeah.
- I really, really like him, Mom.
- You do?
Yeah, I do. I think I do. Maybe.
Don't over-commit yourself
unless you are absolutely certain.
You've gotta prepare
for the life you want.
Again, I turned to Carly.
And while my roommates weren't
as understanding as I'd hoped...
- Come back to bed. did bring certainty.
I'm sorry, Bean.
We have only but one road
to travel in this life.
And I just don't think
we're on the same one.
So to get more involved,
or for me to over-commit myself...
...would just lead to chaos.
- How do you know?
- I'm certain.
I mean, what if you're wrong?
What if we're supposed to
be together?
What if you just made
the biggest mistake of your life?
Stacy, honey! Smile!
Stacy, honey! Smile!
There are moments in life where
you hope your decisions weren't rash.
Bean! Bean!
And moments where you just know.
- Stacy.
- Derek.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, ditto.
I had met my life-mate.
I was certain.
Yeah! Yes!
- That's good. Yes?
- The bar's closed.
What are you doing?
That first year of our relationship
was amazing.
We were in sync, inseparable...
... and in love.
And though I technically
still lived with Mom...
... I was spending practically
all my time at Derek's.
My life was going
according to plan. Sort of.
- Derek!
- Bob! Bob!
Professionally speaking, I was
the go-to girl in a dead-end job.
I mean, you can only work
your way up for so long, right?
It was time to move on.
And while Diane Sawyer
was still out of reach...
... television personality
Kippie Kann wasn't.
The grande dame of daytime talk
needed an associate producer. Me.
It was a match made in Trenton.
- Which brings us up to speed.
- Ira Nachlis. Follow.
The beginning of the end.
Day one.
Tight on space,
but your desk is right next to...
- Barb.
- Campbell-hyphen-Dunn.
Meet our new associate producer,
Stacy Hoyt.
- Holt.
- Whatever.
Put your stuff down.
I'll take you to the taping.
We got pictures of strippers
he's been with.
Cheating bastard.
They call it "fluffing."
Prepping the guests.
We got proof. Go on, now.
Be strong. And violent.
By the time they're on,
they're ready to go nine rounds.
So there's two shows today,
9 and 3.
Nine is "Cheating Bastards."
My idea.
- I owe you one, Bea.
- Oh, no problem.
That's a great idea.
Why aren't you producing?
I am. Carl just takes credit.
Deep breath.
And showtime.
Pathway, people!
I'm on my way! I'm on my way!
Anybody have tickets
for Thomas Oglestein?
I haven't proofed these yet.
They look okay to you?
Did you use the words "dope,"
"dog" and "stripper"?
- They're fine.
- They're fine.
Is it just me? I think the horse in
Montana is missing his feedbag.
I just got word we're about ready
to start. But before we do...
...I want you to get to know each other.
Turn to the person behind you...
...and shake hands.
That would be great.
You guys are not that bright.
We are really gonna start...
- I lost my scream.
- What?
- Got doorbell, buzzer, beating heart...
- No scream, no show!
- Barb!
- No scream, no show!
Go, Barb.
Run title!
Stand by, DP.
- Nice, Barb.
- And cue applause.
- Standing by.
- Stand by, Kippie.
Go gray.
And cue Kippie.
There she is!
Hey, nice to see you.
She's getting ahead of you.
Stand by, camera three.
- Camera three.
- Carl, what are you looking at?
Welcome to Kippie Kann Do!
Today we're putting the dogs
to the ultimate test.
- Is your man a cheating bastard?
- No!
Then he'll have to pass the
Kippie Kann Lie Detector to prove it.
- Phil, camera two.
- Camera two ready.
- Cue doorbell.
- Full scream.
Better get that.
Yeah! Bring it on, sucker!
What up? What?
- Cue apes.
- Apes?
Yeah, represent!
What? What? What?
Rapper Boy Taye,
why do you think you're here?
I'm here because my woman's getting
a hot hoochie-mama makeover.
- Camera four.
- I'd do her.
There is some kind of critter
under the table.
It's either a rat...
My sister saw you humping
on a dirty-girl stripper.
Dirty-girl stripper?
You crazy!
I never been with no stripper.
That ain't your grandma.
- That ain't me.
- Liar!
- You're stupider than you look.
- No, you didn't!
What are you, crazy?
- You're a dirty dog!
- Now let's not rush to judgment.
- Are you willing to prove it, Taye?
- Yeah.
- What do you say, audience?
- Prove it! Prove it! Prove it!
I got nothing. Lori, what's up?
- Another guest?
- Do we have the right running order?
- Should we have someone?
- Who's up?
- I'm sorry.
- I don't have this.
Hello? Anyone there?
Oh, Jesus! Kippie's gonna...
- There she blows.
- Kippie can't keep covering, Carl!
- Good girl.
- Is anybody in the booth...
...or is it just me down here by myself?
I'm all alone down here!
What are you guys doing?
You're crazy!
- Carl!
- What was the problem, Phil?
Oh, shoot, there it is!
It's a big one!
Okay, people, lots to do.
We got two shows today.
First I wanna say hello
to our new associate producer...
...our little doorbell-ringer herself,
Stacy Holt.
- What's up, girl?
- Just kidding, Stace. Just a little fun.
Welcome to our little thing.
Katie, you wanna show them the...?
Take a look at our new look.
- "Kippie Kann keeps competitors..."
- He's bringing back the hard K's.
- Keep going, Katie. Keep it going.
- It was her thing, like a trademark.
- "Creatively while
keeping keen"...
- But that was a million years ago.
- Nostalgia, folks.
Hearkens back to a simpler time.
They eat it up.
Like when Captain Kangaroo was king
and Casey Kasem was in kindergarten.
- He's nuts.
- Who invented reality?
- We did.
- So keep those hard K's coming.
- Kipp, you should be in makeup, kiddo.
- Cut the K's, Carl.
- It's cute. It's Kippie.
- It's crap! Capisce?
Here's the thing:
That orchid on the desk?
Well, I just got it.
Which can only mean
it's a new picture.
Let me see that.
She's right. This cruelty
cannot continue. Katie.
- Carl.
- Lf somebody has a problem with me...
...just tell me straight up. Otherwise...
- You get canned. With a "C."
Kippie, to makeup.
- Good girl.
- I told you.
I'll do my best to catch
the culprit, Kippie.
Thank you...
Nice to meet you.
I've worked here for three years.
Okay, people,
need you focused right here!
It's all about sweeps.
Give me drama, pathos,
life unfolding.
Make me cry. Ira.
Regurgitate something fresh.
- "Midget Holiday Hell."
- Stinks.
- Come on. Give it to Daddy.
- "Parents Who Party."
- Who do they party with?
- Rejecting the midgets?
- Midgets.
- What?
Mixed parents.
Happy mixed parents.
- One normal size...
- One midget?
- Sexy. I like it.
- Those midgets are mine!
You can't corner the midget market!
Yours party during holidays.
- Mine party as a family.
- Are they happy?
- It'd make you cry.
- Kippie is great with sentiment.
- Give me that thing!
- Don't! Don't touch me!
- He has no happy midgets!
- Gentlemen, please!
We combine the segments.
We share the credit and the midgets.
We work together here, people.
We are a team.
- "Grandma's a Hooker."
- You got a grandma?
- Several.
- Run the prep.
- "Penitentiary Porn."
- "Little Black Books."
- Do not follow.
- Electronic little black books.
- As in?
- As in Palms...
...BlackBerries, desk organizers.
Electronic footprints...
...of where your man has been
and with whom.
Under the right circumstances,
they could be a girl's best friend.
Especially a scorned girlfriend,
wife, mistress...
- I think it's a fantastic idea.
- Thank you!
- Since our audience is 90% female...
- Sexy! Run the prep.
Let's go! Come on.
- "Pregnant Strippers"!
- "Black Midgets with Books"!
- "Unnatural Animal Love."
- "Literacy in Inner-City Schools."
Shit! Take it back. Take it back.
She was just kidding.
And I tried to pretend I was.
First the doorbell,
then the staff meeting?
I am absolutely mortified.
Don't worry, no one will remember.
- You can ring my bell
- Hey, stop it!
- Ring my bell
- She's really upset.
Oh, please. I'm the only victim here.
Why should I be forced
to share credit with...?
- Not fair.
- Your midget idea was tired.
- His twist made it different.
- Thanks, I feel so much better.
If you make sweeps even
with shared credit, that's a huge deal.
I happen to know that the people
from Harpo, Oprah's group...
...TiVo every one of our shows.
For what it's worth, I really like
your "Little Black Book" idea.
- Really?
- Yeah. So don't cry in my soup.
- So how does it all work exactly?
- You put your best shows in sweeps.
The most outrageous, the most
provocative attention-grabbers.
- Then they promo it.
- It's about getting eyeballs... get numbers, to get revenue,
to get renewed.
We're beginning sweeps now,
so things are in the can.
- So, what was pitched today?
- June sluts.
Slots. Of which we average
nine a month.
"We" being the drones. The APs.
When an AP gets a slut... Slot.
It's like a credit. You need
so many credits to advance.
- And you have the most?
- Catching on.
He's next. The only way to jump ahead
of him is if you land the live show.
- Please.
- This month?
- A week from Friday.
- APs never get the live show.
- Karen Meskil.
- Urban legend.
Anyway, if you do,
you're instantly promoted.
- Wow.
- Hi, Barbara.
Hey, Kippie. Great show.
Let's not go there.
You must be Stacy.
Wow. I am so unbelievably
sorry about what happened.
Please. Let he who is without sin
cast the first stone.
Hello again.
- Nachlis.
- Yes, you are.
So sorry to hear about you and Neil.
I thought he was a keeper.
- Sorry. Excuse me.
- Bye.
- Who's Neil?
- My boyfriend.
Ex, actually.
"Hi, Barbara. How's Neil?
You must be Stacy."
What's missing here?
Oh, me!
You're right. I should get as many
shows on the air as possible. Be seen.
Noticed by somebody. Anybody.
Okay, so, what I'm about to do should
not be interpreted as groveling...
...hypocrisy, or desperation.
It's merely a loss of personal integrity.
Excuse me. Larry, wait up!
- He's funny.
- Yeah. Talented too.
Okay, I'll do the midgets.
- Too bad he'll never make it here.
- Why not?
He cares too much what
everyone thinks. Especially Kippie.
- And that's bad because...?
- They're shopping for a newer model.
- But she's the boss.
- It's been in the works a long time.
Who do you think leaked
the pictures to the tabloids?
Her ratings are down, and she's got
five years left on her contract.
You do the math.
- So is it always like this?
- I don't know.
I haven't been here
long enough to say.
- No, I thought you were...
- A lifer?
No. A year and a half ago
I was on Wall Street.
And before that I drove a bus.
It's all pretty much the same.
People will tell you who they are
if you just listen.
You can figure them out.
Sometimes you can help.
- Let's help Kippie.
- I should warn you.
I'm uncomfortable
with touching and sentiment.
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
It's all about the bottom line.
- In every business.
- Does she know?
She used to be prime-time
out of New York.
Now she's syndicated in Jersey.
It's one thing to start here, but you
don't climb your way to Trenton.
Nothing we can do,
short of winning sweeps.
- Well, then let's win sweeps.
- Oh, okay.
- We could try.
- Win one for the Kipper?
- Please.
- This is too earnest for me.
You've been teetering,
and you just crossed over.
- Don't you like her?
- I do, actually.
A lot. But that's irrelevant.
That may be so, but does it reveal
who your true friends are?
Are they keeping secrets?
Well, it's not a secret anymore
for someone...
... and we'll tell you why
after these words.
Man, you should have seen
what came out of this animal.
I miss all the good stuff.
- Think you're pretty cute, don't you?
- Well, I'm no Bob.
You better apologize.
I think you just insulted Bob.
- You insinuated ugliness.
- I did not. I did not.
- Apologize.
- Okay, okay! I'm sorry, Bob. I'm sorry.
- Wait. Where are you going?
- I gotta finish packing. Two minutes.
Did I tell you about Nieuwendyk's
cousin? MVP out of Detroit?
Guess who he's seeing
Friday morning. His request.
Yeah, you told me. It's amazing.
Honey, this fast-forward thing
isn't working.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
- Oh, it's the gas.
- Oh, God!
- Bob, get down. Come here, boy.
- Open a window. Honey...
Yeah, plus Robbie Moore,
out of Buffalo?
These guys are, like,
the top two recruits in the country.
And if I can nail them both...
No ifs. You will. I know it.
- Oh, what is the matter with that Bob?
- Burrito.
- Want me to take him out?
- Later.
- I can do it right now.
- No.
Jesus wept! Bob!
No more hot sauce, all right?
- Why are you feeding him hot sauce?
- I don't know.
- What are you watching?
- Oh, Kippie.
- I'm studying the format.
- Tell us how bulimia...
...affected your relationships, Lulu.
- I lost them all.
My agent.
My friends. My boyfriends.
- Lulu?
- Fritz.
- The supermodel.
- I was so ashamed.
I knew it.
I knew she barfed.
- Oh, that documentary.
- No, I mean I heard her.
You heard Lulu Fritz barfing?
Yeah, couple times. Nasty.
You think I'm gonna need
a sweater in Detroit? In May?
You don't feel compelled
to explain further?
We dated. A little.
I told you that, didn't I?
Let me think. No.
Thought I did. Are you gonna be
cool staying here by yourself?
- You'll walk Bob?
- Sure.
Don't let him walk you.
Who's the boss?
- Me.
- Tell him that.
- I'm the boss, Bob.
- You hear that, Bob?
- You never mentioned her.
- Who?
Because we don't sit around
talking about past relationships.
She was a relationship.
- Come on, Stace.
- Yeah, we do.
You told me about that med student
you dated right before me.
And then the girl before that.
What's her name? Joyce.
- I guess you just forgot to mention...
- This is why I hate talking about this.
It's just, you end up
fighting over old ghosts.
It's history. It's over.
The past is past.
That's before the past was
a supermodel that barfed quietly.
You know, I don't pry
into your old boyfriends.
Here's a little tip:
I never dated Brad Pitt.
All right. Shut it off, okay?
Look, I've had
really bad experiences...
...talking about past relationships,
no matter how casual.
If you have to know,
we had problems in bed.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Bob hates it when we fight.
- We're not fighting.
- Tell him.
- We are not fighting, Bob.
So no more Lulu Fritz?
I will never mention the name
"Lulu Fritz" again.
- Lulu Fritz.
- No.
- Lulu Fritz.
- No.
- And he never told you?
- The past is past.
- "Unnatural Animal Love" in five.
- Tell me you're not quoting him.
We made an agreement
not to discuss old relationships.
- Renegotiate.
- No.
Those who do not learn from his
history are condemned to repeat it.
Doesn't matter who he dated.
What matters is why he stopped.
- What's he do?
- He works for the Devils.
- Who doesn't? Kidding.
- Think about it hypothetically.
Say Derek's like Neil.
How do you find out before you're
too far gone? He won't say:
"I was screwing my way
through the phone book."
- "And I only got to K."
- He'll say:
- "The past is past."
- Right.
- Your man's hiding something.
- What about his family?
- Good point. They'll always give dirt.
- No, that's not what I mean.
What are they like? You can tell a lot
by studying where he came from.
I haven't met them.
He doesn't bring girls home.
- He just doesn't.
- Can I ask... ever think of appealing
this decision? Meeting the folks?
I don't wanna make him
feel uncomfortable.
Yeah. Let's not do that.
That'd be bad.
- Stop it!
- What century are you in?
You have a right...
Nay, an obligation to find out more.
He's away for, what, two weeks?
Take that time, I beg you.
Learn a few things. Anything.
Information's power.
- Feels dishonest.
- That's because it is.
You wanna keep your man,
you find out why they didn't.
- I thought you stopped.
- I have.
Look, I agree.
There's better ways to do it.
- It'd be great if you could ask him...
- Or the folks.
Since no one argues with the lord
and master, you gotta get creative.
All men should come with letters of
recommendation, or warning labels.
Or little black books.
Does he have one?
- A Palm. Why?
- She may be hopeless.
- She's not hopeless.
- Okay, then open it up. Explore.
Speaking of which,
what was Lulu's last name?
Fritz. Why?
- What's that?
- Vintage. Working Girl, 1988.
- Good movie?
- It's a great movie.
You've never seen it?
Staten Island girl trying to
make her way in the big city...
...on her own terms.
- Melanie Griffith, huh?
- Yeah.
- Has she never heard of call waiting?
And Mike Nichols. He's famous.
He's a genius.
Plus, he's married to Diane Sawyer.
- Who you wanna be.
- Ringing!
I don't wanna be her, Barb.
I wanna work with her.
I will work with her.
I believe I will.
- I believe you will too.
- Hello, Lulu Fritz?
Ira Nachlis. Senior associate
producerlproducer, Kippie Kann Do.
Listen, "I Model,
Then I Barf Quietly"... one of our highest-rated shows.
- What are you doing?
I am trying to give a young innocent
her 15 minutes of fame. Now...
I'm sorry. Lulu...
...we're thinking of having
a special next month.
We'd like you to come in
tomorrow for an interview.
Excellent. We'll do lunch
and throw up... Catch up.
I would love to expose myself
to your viewers.
Okay. Not going there.
So how did the documentary
affect your personal life, Lulu?
Well, it forced Stephen,
my ex, to face his truth.
He barfed too.
Fascinating. And before Stephen?
I didn't date much. I was shy.
And ugly.
Why do supermodels say how ugly
they were when they were young?
Is it because they want us
to know they suffered?
Do they think that it makes them
more deserving?
That we'll forgive them their bounty?
Note to supermodels:
None of us believe you.
- No one invited me to the prom.
- Makes you stronger.
So the only relationship
you ever had ever was Stephen?
No. I mean, I dated a few people.
- Names, please.
- Fabrizio. Renato.
Carmine. Jahni.
- Derek.
- She said his name.
His name came out of that mouth.
Her "Derek" was my Derek.
- But mostly I was lonely.
- How sad.
- Tell me about one of the early guys.
- Oh, say, Derek.
- Derek?
- It was just a casual kind of thing.
- Stace, let her tell the story.
- I am. She is. Go ahead.
I was so young.
I can hardly remember.
- Happens to all of us.
- It was all superficial.
- What isn't these days?
- Completely about sex.
- Completely about... What?
- Sex.
- Sex.
- Sex.
- But you had problems in bed?
- You don't know that.
Guessing! Someone needs to chill.
Actually, the bedroom...
...was the only place
we really connected.
Two, sometimes
three times a day.
Funny how your memory
just snapped back like that.
Anyways, Derek and I didn't
talk much. I just used him for...
- We know.
- Pretty amazing.
Experimental. Wild.
- Sounds great. Why'd you split?
- Oh, same old, same old.
Schedules. Travel. Temptation.
- He cheated.
- No! I did. All the time.
But he stuck around
like a lovesick puppy.
Finally, I asked him to go back
to his old girlfriend.
She called all the time,
begging him, pleading.
- She was desperate.
- Joyce?
- How'd you know her name?
- You mentioned it. She mentioned it.
- You did.
- I did?
Well, Joyce.
He only went back to her out of pity.
I wonder what he's doing now.
Hey, Derek. This is Lulu!
Hey, Derek. This is Lulu!
Just thought I'd give you a call
and let you know I was in town.
Cow. Quietly barfing cow.
And suddenly, my certain world
didn't seem so certain after all.
Hi, Bob. Are you hungry?
I'm not hungry.
Lulu dangled before me
like bait on a wire.
I swallowed it whole...
... and then wanted more.
It was time for the past
to meet the present.
Bob, look. A box.
I just need to clean up some stuff.
He told me to.
Just checking things out, you know?
Oh, look. Pictures.
So this is hysterical Joyce.
You don't look so desperate.
You look athletic.
And pretty. Where was this taken?
New York City Marathon. Okay.
Where you crossed the finish line.
And you were crying.
And so was Derek
while he hugs you.
There's so many neat pictures, Bob.
Rachel Keyes.
You are a podiatrist, I think?
What's with that little
minx-like smile?
Can you just not look at me
like that, please?
It's making me very uncomfortable.
There. See? I'm done. Okay?
And don't judge me. Okay, Bob?
Hey, Stacy, it's me. You there?
Okay, I guess you're out with Bob.
Listen, I left my Palm at home.
I need you to go through it and
get me some numbers. Take care.
Did you hear that, Bob?
Derek left his Palm at home.
Guess we'll have to look for it.
If I were a Palm, where would I be?
If we were Palms,
where would we be, Bob?
Where is it?
Where could it be right now?
He asked for it.
Where could it be?
Luck is when preparation
meets opportunity.
Okay, Bob?
Life's about certainty.
It's about being in control.
Password, password, password.
What would his password be?
Thank you.
Go to your bed.
Go to your bed, Bob!
Seconds before opening
the metallic case...
... I envisioned all the evil
flowing into the world.
I was Pandora.
And then I got over it.
Look at that. Joyce works
at the Kaleidoscope Kitchen.
Brand-new place.
Know what that means?
It's a new entry. That place has only
been open two, three months.
How would he know that
unless they still talk?
- That's ridiculous.
- Ladies.
We could give her a little jingle.
- "Hello, Joyce...
- Where's Leo? Where's Leo?
...Moore? We're doing research
on an upcoming episode...
...'Best Chefs in the Tri-State Area.'
No guarantees, of course,
but I was wondering if we could...
...spend a little time...
...getting to know each other better."
- Not doing it.
Now, how about that doctor he dated?
What was her name?
- Barb.
- You have to admit it's educational.
Look what you learned with Lulu.
He didn't cheat.
- I never thought he did.
- He said they had problems in bed...
...and it turns out the problem
was getting out.
Little lie. Harmless.
Unless it's a pattern.
- It's not a pattern.
- How do you know?
Say, hypothetically,
you get a dog.
- A what?
- A dog, hypothetically.
And you find out his grandfather
and father chased cars.
- Whose father?
- The dog's. In fact...
...all the males in his line,
Chances are he'll chase cars.
Helpful information you can only get
by doing research.
You need to find out,
is your man a car-chaser?
- No.
- Are you sure?
People are creatures of habit.
Last one. Their behavior is patterned.
After Neil slept with half of Newark,
I found out he'd been doing it for years.
So keep yourself dumb and believe
what he tells you, or... Up to you.
- God, I hate this.
- I know.
- I hate doubt.
- You'll get over it.
Now, what was the name
of that chiropractor?
Podiatrist. Dr. Rachel Keyes.
Look, make an appointment. That's all.
See how you feel once you meet her.
If you don't do the whole Kippie spiel,
at least your feet will be happy.
You wanna work
with Diane Sawyer?
You gotta learn how to do research.
In the field.
Health and Wellness Women's Clinic.
Hold, please.
Look under the hood
before you purchase the car.
Thank you for holding.
Health and Wellness Women's Clinic.
Yes, I'd like to make an appointment
with Dr. Keyes, please.
- She's booked through the month.
- Okay.
- No cancellations?
- Oh, wait.
We have one for Thursday morning.
- I'll take it.
- Name?
Barb Campbell-hyphen-Dunn.
And what is this regarding, please?
- Warts. Plantar warts. Hurt like hell.
- See you Thursday.
Hey, don't let the chickens out!
I was strangely calm waiting to meet
the woman Derek dated before me.
So calm, in fact,
I never questioned the gown...
... or the need for easy access.
- So when was your last period?
- My what?
- Your menses.
- I don't understand.
Okay, each month you might notice
a change in your body...
I understand what you mean.
I just don't know why
you'd want to know...
- Barbara Campbell?
- Hyphen-Dunn.
- Yes.
- I'm Dr. Keyes.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, what brings you in here today?
- Warts.
- Warts.
- Really painful.
- All the time?
Well, mostly
when you step on them.
Heels, you know. Ouch.
I have a bit of a shoe fetish.
I'm trying to stay away from them.
It's my bad.
Well, maybe you can be more specific
as to where the warts are.
- You wanna use this mirror?
- No, that's not necessary.
I'm very flexible.
They're sort of deep down.
Just look way deep down inside.
You can't really see them
unless you look inside.
Well, maybe not that way.
Why don't you just relax, Barbara.
- Okay.
- That's a good girl. There you go.
Just going to put your feet
in these stirrups.
Gynecologist? Not a podiatrist?
Ten-to- 1 those aren't for the opera.
- And we'll have a little look-see.
- Look-see? Where?
Someone left their panties on.
- Oops.
- Just...
There you go. Good girl.
- Comfy?
- Well, let's see.
I'm spread-eagle for my boyfriend's ex,
who's about to go searching for warts.
Super. Thanks.
you know what they say, right?
You can never be too rich, too thin,
or too far down on the table.
So let's scooch you.
There we go. Perfect.
- I'm going to insert the speculum now.
- Oh, good. Narration.
You may feel a bit of pressure.
Would you take a look at that cervix,
Nurse Kisilevsky?
Textbook. I'm not the first person
who's told you that, I'm sure.
Can't hear it enough.
It was all too horrible.
I had to avert my eyes.
Which made me focus
on a sight more horrific.
Midst what seemed like an unusual
amount of Dr. Keyes' beauty shots...
... stood a picture that jumped out.
Big. Dr. Rachel Keyes and Bob?
Stinky Bob! Why would she have a
picture with him unless he was hers?
Worse, theirs.
I needed to take control. Fast!
Dr. Keyes,
I work with the Kippie Kann show.
You would never be interested
in being on television would you?
Call me Rachel.
I started the vitamin company about a
year and a half ago. It's just taken off.
- Oh? And look. Your picture's on it.
- I fought them on that.
Sure you did. So tell me, Rachel.
What did you have to sacrifice
to get here?
Relationships? Family? Pets?
I never wanted to settle
in order to settle down.
- You know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, yeah. Back to pets.
I noticed a picture of a dog
in the examination room.
- So happy-looking.
- Bob.
He's my ex's dog, but I raised him.
- He was such a cuddler.
- Your ex?
The dog. I could've lobbied
to keep him when we split.
But med school by day,
the book by night.
- You wrote a book?
- Here we go. Second printing.
Take one. I'll just bill you for it.
It's a play on words.
"Keyes to Your Vagina."
Clever. Oh, and there's
that picture again.
- So anyways, Bob, is it?
- Yeah, he's with Derek. My ex.
But I have visitation rights.
- Oh, really?
- Sure.
The photograph in the exam room
was taken a few weeks ago at a picnic.
A picnic? A few weeks ago?
He went on a picnic
with this self-obsessed prodigy?
- My head was spinning.
- Anyway, Barb. Good news.
Your warts have cleared up.
That's good to know.
That's good to know.
Welcome back to
"Grandma's a Hooker, So Handle lt."
Tell me, Grandma,
as a working girl...
- Stand by, mystery guest.
- Standing by.
I pull down about five grand
a weekend.
Ten if I bring a friend.
What do you say, Kippie?
What? Me?
- Talent is in place and ready to go.
- Hey. How'd it go?
- I went to third base with his ex.
- What?
But my warts have cleared up.
She was a gynecologist!
- Doorbell.
- Gyne...
- Mommy, no!
- Oh, shut up!
Ira. Can you...?
A gynecologist? Yikes.
"Yikes" does not even begin
to describe what I experienced.
- Here's your chance. Don't screw up.
- Turkey sausage.
She's an absolute freak of nature.
She's got to be, like, what, 26, 27?
She's publishing books.
She's practicing medicine.
And there's like a zillion pictures
of her in her office.
- Just her. Alone.
- Yeah.
And let's not forget the little vitamin
company that's just taken off.
- Look at the positive side.
- Which is?
He's attracted to extraordinary women.
Beautiful. Talented.
Which is why he's with you now.
The only salient information
you need to know is, did he cheat?
What? No.
She was more in love with herself.
- This is good news.
- Yeah.
It's just that he saw her
a few weeks ago.
They picnicked, which is totally fine.
He's completely free
to picnic with whomever.
- But why wouldn't he mention it?
- Maybe...
- He forgot?
- Maybe.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Who put those damn K's...
... all over the cue cards?
Bob, slow down.
You're rocking the Palm.
- You are so busted.
- What?
You're out with a guy. Two-foot-six.
Loves the lips. Farts a lot.
- You giving him a nice walk?
- Oh, well, actually...
...he's giving me one.
- Honey, don't let him do that.
Oh! Course not! No!
- I feel like we haven't spoken all week.
- I feel like we haven't spoken ever.
Bob, slow down.
I've been kind of busy here,
you know?
Bob. Bob. Bob! Bob!
No! We don't live here, Bob!
Come on! No!
As in "Keyes to Your Vagina," Bob?
- Traitor.
- Stace? What's going on?
- Who you talking to?
- Honey, you're not gonna believe this.
You wanna hear something funny?
Bob just dragged me up the steps
of a brownstone...
...a few blocks away from you.
- Who's the boss?
On Malverne.
You think he has a friend
in the neighborhood?
Dark-haired genius, about 5'4"?
Stace, he's a dog. Okay?
If you let him,
he'll walk all over you.
Wonder where he learned it.
Oh! Honey, I'm sorry.
I've gotta go.
Okay, call you from a hard line.
- Excuse me!
- Sorry.
- Hello?
- Who is it?
- Hello?
- Who's there?
Hello? Bob?
- Bob?
- Oh, come on, man.
- You recognize his bark?
- Stay! Sit.
- And he did.
- I'm coming down.
Bob, come on.
Come on. Down here. Down here.
I need you to be very, very quiet.
As I squatted, holding the snout of
a dog in love with another woman...
... I sadly realized I had reached
an all-time low.
Bob! Oh, come here, sweetheart!
You little pie!
What are you doing out there?
Where's your daddy? Let's go call
Daddy. Come on, little pumpkin head.
I ran out on my mani. Where is he?
In there. With her.
Number two.
- Yes?
- Hi, it's Stacy Holt.
- Don't use my name!
- Holtenfrau. The dog-walker.
- I'm here for Steve.
- Bob!
- Bob!
- Come on up. Number two.
Did she have pictures of herself
in there?
- She was very nice.
- Thanks. That makes me feel better.
- It's vibrating.
- Really?
What are you doing?
- Give me a few minutes.
- Oh, stop that.
This little guy could make me
very happy.
Now you're officially scaring me.
- Lf it turns into a pizza, I'm getting one.
- Take that thing out of your pants.
Oh, wow. So Joyce has freckles, huh?
- All over.
- What?
And she's not self-conscious.
So many women hide their bodies
these days, but not her.
- How did you get that?
- You know...
...that little camera thing
came on against my...
And she... You know, there she is.
- Look at that arrow. Should I press it?
- No.
- Why not?
- Okay. Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- There's so many.
I'm not doing this. I can't. It's like
going through someone's drawers.
Hey, Stace? Would you wear a thong
in front of your boyfriend's parents?
- Repeatedly?
- My boyfriend's parents?
"Mom, Dad, Joyce. Hawaii, '99"?
He doesn't bring girls home, huh?
Oh, look. Christmas, '98.
They went to Aspen.
I can't believe this.
He could have a sister named Joyce,
who he French kisses.
And licks.
Dare you to press the next arrow.
- Shit.
- How bad?
- Shit!
- Pornographic?
It's out of power.
- Where are we going?
- Gonna put this baby in a cradle.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Hurry up, Bob!
I'll be right back.
All systems go!
I know.
Because you can.
Would I like to sync? Kinky.
Entertainment. Absolument.
Here's the thing... No.
- No. You'll thank me.
- I know.
Wow. Presenting Joyce Moore
and her cheesy music.
Make it stop. Barbara...
- Trying. Trying.
- Please make it stop.
Oh, great. Now it's frozen.
- Hey, if you can do better...
- Later.
Listen. Here's the thing.
If you're happy
with what you know... you deserve explanation
about what you don't?
I mean, hypothetically, you are
in this great relationship with Neil.
- That's his name, right?
- It wasn't a good relationship with Neil.
You get married. You have kids.
You're totally and completely fulfilled.
Then Neil dies.
- Where's that dial tone coming from?
- I don't know. Does he die tragically?
Okay. Then you find out he cheated.
That he had this whole other life.
Now, does that detract
from what you two had together?
- Does it make it all a lie?
- Yes.
- Why?
- Because omissions are betrayals.
- Omissions are...
- Betrayals. They are betrayals.
- Is that your cell?
- Mine whistles.
Hey, there. It's Joyce Moore.
Do the deed after the beep.
What? The computer called Joyce?
- What did you do?
- Nothing! I was standing over here.
Hey, you got Derek's machine. You
know what to do and when to do it.
Derek, you there? It's Joyce.
My caller ID said you just phoned.
Why did you hang up? I've been
waiting for you to call since last week.
- What?
- Okay. Give me a holler.
If I'm not home, try my cell. By the way,
everyone loved your joke. Bye.
His joke?
What joke?
Derek doesn't joke.
Nobody thinks he's funny.
He's not funny.
What does this mean?
I think it means she's not history.
Is it always like this here?
Hey, you got Derek's machine. You
know what to do and when to do it.
It's Derek. He's checking the
messages. He's going to hear Joyce.
- Erase it! Smash it! Do something!
- How? What am I going to do?
Kill it.
Okay. Okay!
- Good! There!
- Yeah!
I've just smashed an answering
machine with a hockey stick.
Damn proud of you!
There were numbers on that machine
that he needed, and I...
I've just smashed it.
I smashed the hell out of it.
God's punishing me.
I hear you, God. You can stop now.
What has happened to me?
- You've discovered truth.
- I've discovered a whole other reality.
They all talk. Dr. Keyes and Derek.
Joyce and Derek?
Maybe they all talk to each other.
Maybe it's just me they don't talk to.
Bottom line is, he's withheld.
- I'm gonna find out what's going on.
- Good!
- Why she was waiting for his call.
- Good question.
- Lf he still sees her, why don't I know?
- Better question.
And if he has nothing to hide,
why hide these old relationships?
- Want me to write these down for you?
- So I guess I need to know...
...what I don't know.
I just need to.
Hi. Joyce Moore?
I'm sorry to call so late.
This is Barb Campbell-hyphen-Dunn
from the Kippie Kann show.
We're doing a segment on chefs
and we'd love to talk to you.
No, I'm not kidding.
Okay. So I'll call tomorrow,
and we'll set something up.
I'd love to talk to you. Bye-bye.
- I'll have a double espresso latte...
- Sorry. No.
- I'll have a double espresso latte...
- Sorry. No.
- What?
- I live in a basement apartment...
...on Malverne. You were hiding in my
doorway last night, smothering a dog.
I was not smothering him.
It's a little game we play.
Double espresso, please.
You already scare people.
- More caffeine will make you a freak.
- Are you trying to upset me?
If I do,
you gonna hold my snout?
I'll get the latte and
you get a chai iced tea.
- We'll switch after.
- Thanks.
I heard that.
Joyce. Hi.
Hi. You're Barb.
How did you know it was me?
Lucky guess.
I'll be watching.
You're a jokester. Yeah.
We have this little thing.
So I've heard amazing things
about you, about the Kaleidoscope.
- From?
- People! Who've been there.
Who know your work.
You have a fan base.
- I'm only on two nights a week.
- Quality, not quantity.
Yes. So tell me about the show.
I haven't watched much, but doesn't
Kippie Kann do more of the...
..."My Wife Slept With My Sister"...?
- "And My Dad."
No, we're trying to revamp
the show right now.
So I pitched this idea,
which is this cook-off.
This is its research stage, where
I pretend that I'm Diane Sawyer...
...asking brilliant questions
while looking chic.
That's funny. You know,
she was in the restaurant last week.
Do you want your latte?
- No. Who was?
- Diane Sawyer.
She was here? In Jersey?
Yeah. The night manager
knows her field producer... they all came in
for this big dinner. She's really nice.
She is?
I've wanted to meet her
my whole entire life.
Then you will.
I believe in destiny, don't you?
I do.
Excuse me.
Coming. Coming. Coming.
- Hey.
- Kipp!
- I'm just in the middle of an interview.
- Okay, yeah, I'm sorry.
Listen, real quick then.
My machine at home is screwed up.
I need numbers.
- Do you know where my Palm is?
- Yep.
That's great. Okay, I need to get...
Could you look up Rafalsky...
- Stace?
- Yeah, yeah.
Can I borrow a pen and a piece of...?
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Rafalsky.
- Rafalsky.
- And Langenbrunner.
And Langenbrunner.
- Is that it?
- That's it.
- I love you.
- I love you!
- You too, Kipp.
- Oh, hey, listen.
Before I forget,
the password is "Bob."
- Gotcha.
- All right. Bye.
- Okay, then.
- Can I ask you something...
...totally none of my business?
Were you just talking to Kippie Kann...
...about Jamie Langenbrunner
and Brian Rafalsky?
- You know them?
- I wish.
I am the biggest hockey nut
this side of Newark.
We're trying to book
them on the show.
We're doing a whole recruiting
segment. I'm their hockey gal.
You should meet my ex. He's a scout
for the Devils. Give me your Palm.
- It's frozen.
- I can fix it.
No, that's so sweet, but thank you.
Okay, well, why don't you
just hold down the power button.
Go ahead.
Power button?
And you should hear a...
- And, fingers crossed...
- Fingers crossed. will reset.
I cannot believe it.
- I can explain.
- You have I Spy.
That's a brand-new program.
Do you mind?
- Having I Spy? No, I don't mind.
- Do you mind beaming it to me?
Here, I can... You want me to
show you there? Just take this.
- Voil what?
- Voil, now I've got it.
- But it's his... Mine.
- I want it back. Please?
- No. We both have it.
You have one, and I have its twin.
- You've never done it before.
- Virgin. Damn proud of it.
You're funny.
So I work next Wednesday.
Why don't you come by for dinner?
I will wow you
with my chicken paillard.
How could I refuse?
She had an ease, an openness...
... and the answers.
She had the answers.
Kippie! Watch it, here! Watch it!
- Cut it! Phil, cut it!
- Cut it. Reset.
Oh, God, she's coming up.
She's coming up.
- Count to 10.
- Katie!
- Take it easy.
- Okay!
She's coming!
- Seven, eight, nine...
- Carl!
What? You were fantastic.
- That was very emotional. Phil?
- Yeah. I teared up.
Trust me. No one does midgets
like Kippie. Like you.
But everyone does them!
Don't you get it?
- I want something fresh, original...
- It was his idea.
- Ira?
- Now she remembers my name.
Get the midgets out of here.
Here comes the numbers speech.
Can you be midget-wrangler today?
My numbers go up,
your numbers go up.
My success is your success.
Jerry Maguire.
Help Kippie help you!
That was very moving. I think
we should all take a moment to...
- Places! Miserable midgets.
- Moment's up!
- Places! Stand by, intro.
- We're back in one.
- We are just about ready.
- Phil, we're reset.
Okay, stand by, Kippie.
"Kippie's Kute Kouplings Kontinues."
Bob, I want you to move in
really tight.
Tighter, tighter, tighter,
till I tell you to stop.
Yeah. Right there.
We have a collection of cute couples
to clear things up. I can't believe this.
What are you so worried about?
Do you think my idea is good?
- I mean, enough?
- For the live show? Absolutely.
I'm convinced
they're going to give it to you.
- Why? What do you know?
- Not much. It's just, after staff...
- When?
- Monday.
- Today's the big day!
- I know!
- Go on.
- I overheard them.
Pardon me? Who, who?
- Barb, Carl, Kippie.
- Kippie? Kippie? Kippie's there?
- Yes.
- Continue.
Well, they thought your
"Little Black Book" idea was great.
They're right.
I mean, it's my time.
I put in the work.
I'm next up for promotion.
- It only makes sense.
- It only makes sense.
Little black books. Little black books.
Little black books.
This season's live show will be...
..."Plastic Surgery Nightmares."
Congratulations, Barb.
Our newest producer.
- Way to go, girl!
- Good one.
Now, people. People, people!
Since we are live, I'm expecting
everybody to pitch in, right?
Right. Now that's a wrap.
Too bad, Ira.
Sorry, Ira. Maybe next sweeps?
Naive, but sweet.
You wanna go to dinner?
Can't. I'm on the committee
for the Kippie Kann Kan Drive...
...Kippie Kares for Kids Koalition.
Catch you later.
- Is he okay?
- He's trying to be.
How about you? Urban legend.
- You said APs never get the live show.
- What do I know?
Come with me.
I've got a surprise for you.
Carl, here she is.
Stacy, Kippie liked your idea too.
For the tri-state cook-off!
So if you could ask...
- What's her name?
- Joyce.
- Lf we could have it at the...
- Kaleidoscope Kitchen.
Oh, love the K's.
And Kippie loves cook-offs... you get those pre-interviews in.
Barb, you co-pilot.
- Katie.
- Carl.
- Was he saying...? Are you saying...?
- Congratulations.
My first show!
I mean, it's not a done deal
or anything, but...
At least I'll have something
legitimate to offer Joyce.
This is perfect. It's perfect!
Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
- That's okay. It's fine. I'm smiling.
Now Joyce could bake her cake,
and the audience could eat it too.
Get that out to table four.
Make sure they still have wine.
Which somehow made me feel a little
less like the lying scumbag that I was.
And voil!
- And this is for dessert.
- What?
What did you do?
- Open it!
- "To Barb, I can't wait...
Love, Diane."
I can't believe you!
The night manager got it for you.
It's just a little thing.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Table 24 left this for you.
- Thank you, Gordon.
- It's Pat Burns.
- Head coach for the New Jersey Devils.
Right, I forgot.
You're the hockey gal.
Oh, my God.
Tickets for the playoffs?
You're beloved.
Come with me. They're for
tomorrow night. I mean, if you can.
These are tickets for the Stanley Cup.
You're a crazy girl.
Well, I don't know anyone else
who likes hockey.
Except my little brother,
and I'd rather go with you.
- And Derek will be there.
- I'm... Who?
My ex.
I told you about him.
He works for the Devils.
We'll meet him after the game
for a drink. It's a ritual.
Oh, really?
The beautiful people have arrived.
They come every
Wednesday night to be seen.
I better call the manager and make
sure the camera crew is cleared.
So we're on? Great.
Call me. You have my number?
- Yep.
- Okay, good.
Those are Manolos, you clumsy...
If I were you,
I wouldn't finish that statement.
Get a shot of us.
She produces the Kippie Kann show.
- Why is she calling you Stacy, Barb?
- That's her name.
No, actually, my name is Barb.
The other woman
you met's name is Stacy.
- No?
- Yes.
- She was Barb.
- No.
No... What?
- Enjoy your meal.
- Join us, Stacy-Barb?
Okay, Phillip.
Bring your camera.
How do you know her?
- We did a show last year on bulimia.
- Oh, why am I not surprised?
She does make you
wanna throw up. Or at least me.
- Sorry, I don't really like her, I guess.
- "I guess"?
She used to hang out with my brother,
and I sort of took her under my wing...
...until she took Derek
from under mine.
- He cheated on you with her?
- No, we had split up.
But one day we're talking
about getting married...
...and the next day
we're dating other people.
Taking space.
God, I hate that expression,
don't you?
Hate it. So then?
So then he starts talking to Lulu,
who totally knows the score.
And then she advises me
to see other people.
- Hideous.
- And she meant nothing to him.
She was a fling. I mean,
he wanted us to get back together.
But, in a way,
we're just closer being friends.
You are? Good. You are.
We are, and if not,
there's always the boomerangs.
- The boomerangs.
- Yeah. You know the kind.
You throw them out there
into the world...
- And they always come back to you.
- Yeah, that's right.
He bought us each one, and we
promised never to throw them away.
So no matter what happened,
if we needed to, or wanted to...
...then we could still end up...
- Together.
Anyway, whatever.
Why were we talking about this?
You know, he probably
wouldn't even remember the story...
...never mind the boomerangs, and
then there's me, the romantic sap...
...who still has hers
framed in the bedroom.
How stupid is that?
Not stupid.
It's just a waste of energy.
There's so many other
interesting guys out there for you.
Joyce, you're gonna meet
the right person. Watch.
Or I could end up with Derek.
Wouldn't that be funny?
Right now I'm not rushing
into anything or anyone.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice...
- Shame on me.
- Exactly.
Something about the way she
believed she might get him back...
... made me believe it too.
Thanks, pal.
I'm home!
Hey, Bob. How you doing?
Come here, buddy. Come here.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey. I heard you from downstairs.
- You did?
- Yeah.
Yikes. Was I that loud?
No, you sounded great.
Kind of sad, though. Everything okay?
Yeah. You know,
work issues, but I'm fine.
- You're home early.
- You say that like that's a bad thing.
No! No, no, no.
I just didn't expect you, that's all.
What happened to the other guy?
A mouse.
- A mouse did this?
- Yeah.
There was a mouse, and,
you know, Bob freaked...
...and forget about it.
- A mouse scared Bob?
Went crazy. You wouldn't believe it.
He chased him onto
the answering machine...
...where the mouse just, like,
taunted and taunted Bob.
So I ran and I got your stick,
your hockey stick...
...and I just smashed it.
- You smashed a mouse?
- Yeah.
No, like I would smash a mouse.
He got away, but I scared him good.
I don't think
he'll be coming back.
- He carry my box down too?
- That's very funny.
No, I did.
I was looking for another phone.
Which you found, in a closed
box marked "personal stuff."
No offense, Derek, but you're
not exactly Mr. Organized.
- You're a mess.
- All right, all right.
Don't go criticizing homie.
Homie just got home.
- Yo, I was defending your dog, yo.
- Thank you.
Who gets very sad when you're away.
Very needy.
- Oh, yeah?
- He missed you.
- He the only one?
- No, Joyce missed you too.
So you wanna know
why I'm home early?
I'm seeing Robbie Moore's
parents tomorrow.
- That means you're close.
- Bringing the contract.
- Wait, wait. Tomorrow's the playoffs.
- Yeah.
- You're not gonna go?
- No.
If I don't close this kid tomorrow,
Terry's gonna sign him.
I can't miss the opportunity.
You know what?
I'm doing this for both of us.
I'm sorry, Bob. All of us.
I felt like a lying sack of fertilizer.
Knowing what I knew
and not knowing what I didn't...
... and knowing more than anything
that I had to know more.
She called all the time,
begging him, pleading, pathetic.
She called all the time,
begging him, pleading, pathetic.
He played me the messages
on the machine. They were hysterical.
She was desperate.
One angry chef, coming up.
I can't show her that.
I'd be purposely hurting a friend.
Knowledge is a terrible
and a marvelous thing.
It just depends on your perspective.
Think of it this way.
If she knew who you really were,
she'd hate you.
Can you blame her?
And, Stace?
She's not your friend.
Have fun at the game.
Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. I was in
the middle of a crisis with Derek.
I'm helping him with something.
Doesn't he have someone
else to help, like a girlfriend?
Probably a bunch. But...
We agreed not to discuss anyone
we date, unless one of us was serious.
Then we have to,
but he's not, and I'm not.
So why torture each other? You know,
it's just too painful for both of us.
Sorry, that's my cell.
Hello? Hey, I was just
talking about you.
So, what happened?
You might think it odd
that I didn't strangle her...
... as I watched her flirt
and coo with my man.
But I didn't.
I was strangely drawn
to their banter.
Curious about this part of his life...
... that I had been completely
dumb to just a few days earlier.
They had a past.
- They had a present separate from me.
- They scored. Listen.
Can you hear?
She didn't know he had a girlfriend,
but she didn't want to.
Suddenly, I knew what I had to do.
Finally I asked him to go back
to his old girlfriend.
Finally I asked him to go back
to his old girlfriend.
She called all the time,
begging him, pleading.
- She was desperate.
- Joyce?
- How'd you know her name?
- You mentioned it.
- You did.
- She did.
I did?
Well, yes. Joyce.
He only went back to her out of pity.
Barb was right.
As soon as Joyce realized that
he'd lied to her about Lulu...
... she'd never forgive him.
Which was, after all,
what I'd wanted.
So why did I feel so bad?
- I shouldn't have shown you that.
- No, I appreciate it, really.
It's just so bad, you know.
I probably did call him a few times
when he was with her.
But I was upset. I wouldn't characterize
it as being hysterical or pathetic.
But for her to know...
...that I called means that he told her.
Even if she didn't hear it,
she knew, and that's just so bad.
Joyce, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- He's in there.
- Where?
Right there, with the orange
sweater and the stupid haircut.
It is stupid.
We stood there...
... both of us sadly in love
with the same man.
Both of us feeling let down by him.
Where are you going?
I'm going home. I'll see you tomorrow
for the pre-interview. Good night, Barb.
Wait, Joyce?
Wait. Please. Wait.
- That tape, the Lulu...
- You know what, it's not about the tape.
It's just...
...talking to you and seeing Lulu. All
that stuff brought up bad memories.
And who am I trying to kid,
you know?
A clean break is easier.
You can reset it...
...and it heals, and you move on.
But if you leave things messy
or things don't get put right...
...then it just hurts.
It's really time for me
to move away from him.
From all this.
I don't even know who he is anymore.
I should have felt happier
at that moment.
I had won.
But the cost was high
and the victory hollow.
I had taken a good friend
from someone I loved.
And nothing about that felt right.
I needed a reality check.
I needed Mom.
But she was out.
So I settled for Carly.
The line between
right and wrong had blurred.
In my search for truth,
I had become the lie.
Perhaps some secrets
should remain secret.
Okay, you guys are not that bright.
Can I have an amen?
Is everything okay?
It's great. Yeah.
- That makes one of us.
- What's the matter?
I'm not feeling so,
you know, good.
You can't go home.
I mean, I need you.
Today's my show.
I'm a nervous wreck. We're live.
Oh, my God. I totally forgot.
Of course I'll be here.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
You are so beautiful,
like a real producer.
Hello. Headset.
And there was something
I needed to tell you. What was it?
- Oh, right. We're live.
- There she is.
- Yikes.
- Showtime.
Great to see you.
- Welcome to Kippie Kann Live.
- Watch this ladder.
I need a running order.
- Who's on first?
- You.
- What?
- It's for you.
- What is?
- Everything.
Let's see who's at Kippie's door.
Just go with it.
Stacy, oh, come on out.
That's right, Stacy.
Make yourself comfortable.
You look a little confused.
- Know the name of today's show?
- "Plastic Surgery Nightmares"?
No. Actually it's called
"Little Black Book."
Let's fill our audience in
on some recent history.
Stacy's a new member of our staff
who's been using resources here... do her own personal research...
...on her boyfriend, Derek.
And three of his ex-girlfriends.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
She went through his little
black electronic book...
...found his ex-girlfriends...
- I don't believe this.
...and interviewed them under the
guise of being a guest on our show.
- That's my idea.
- Wow, man, too bad.
- Barb's upstairs, if you wanna kill her.
- And they will be.
But not for the reasons they thought.
Take, for example,
supermodel Lulu Fritz.
Welcome to Kippie Kann Live.
You used us. You took my idea,
and you set her up.
- How can you just stand there?
- Camera two.
- You stole my idea.
- It's poetry.
- You stole it.
- I'll share credit. Ira...
...there's a bigger thing happening.
Just watch. God, are you watching?
It was all superficial.
Completely about sex.
I'd have to say no.
That's not from my documentary.
That's right, Lulu. It's all a ruse.
A flower?
- A ruse, a joke. This woman...
- How can you do this?
...Stacy Holt, a member of our staff,
got you here under false pretenses.
- Her name's Barbara.
- No, the woman producing is Barbara.
The woman beside you is the current
girlfriend of the man you once dated.
- Stephen?
- Derek.
Camera five. Doorbell.
Camera five. Doorbell.
Another woman scorned,
and she doesn't even know it yet.
Come in, Dr. Keyes.
Welcome to Kippie Kann Live.
Drama, pathos, life unfolding.
- It's good.
- It's Greek. Go to three, Phil.
- Camera three, go.
- Dr. Keyes, you're a gynecologist.
This woman posed as a patient... obtain personal information on her
boyfriend, whom you once dated.
But I examined her.
- Well, that was all a setup.
- Even the warts?
No, it was a joke.
There were none, ever.
Ah, the apex. Joyce. She thinks she's
doing a pre-interview for a cook-off.
That's what you told her, right, Stace?
Come in, Joyce.
Welcome to Kippie Kann Live.
Here comes the tough part.
You can do it.
What's with the audience
and all these...?
- Lulu.
- Oh, that's right.
You two go way back.
But what about you two?
- Barb?
- No, actually, that's Stacy.
- Derek's current girlfriend.
- What?
No cook-off today.
You lied to me?
After everything I told you, you lied.
- Just like she did.
- Are you referring to me?
- Shut up.
- What did you say?
Ladies, please.
Let's fill the audience in, shall we?
We sent our own Kippie Kann crew
to the Kaleidoscope Kitchen...
...posing as a crew for 48 Hours.
- Then that was all a rose, too?
- Ruse, yeah. Roll it.
- Why is she calling you Stacy, Barb?
- Because that's her name.
No, actually, my name is Barb.
The other woman you
met's name was Stacy.
- No, she was Barb.
- No.
- What?
- Stimulating as ever.
I'd say it's nice to see you,
but then I'd be lying.
Enjoy your meal.
I got sick that night,
and not on purpose.
Stay put for more surprises
when "Little Black Book" continues.
Ladies, stay in your seat, okay.
We're still live.
- I'm sorry...
- Don't... Don't say another word.
You wanted me to hate him?
Mission accomplished. I do.
But, as bad as he is,
he is still too good for you.
- Lf you could have a seat...
- This is completely unacceptable.
I'll sue this entire show
for defamation of character.
This is America, and you
are welcome to sue anyone.
But that release
you signed is ironclad.
I was told we'd be discussing
sexually transmitted diseases.
Sexually transmitted diseases.
That's an idea.
- Ninety seconds to air.
- Ninety seconds.
- I love it live.
- You stoop to conquer.
Yeah. I stoop. We all do.
I mean, look at where we work.
We march thousands of Stacys
through here every year.
We uncover their secrets.
We spare no feelings.
But suddenly you get a conscience
because you know one personally.
- You're unethical.
- You're a hypocrite.
- I'm a hypocrite?
- This show is based on hypocrisy.
You wanna call me unethical? Okay.
But don't judge me and then worship
Kippie for doing the same thing.
We're all swimming
in the same cesspool.
We work in reality TV, Ira.
This is reality.
Forty-five seconds to air, Phil.
- Ira.
- Underneath your seats...
...there's a Kippie Kann Live hat
for each one of you. Kippie's a giver.
...there's a Kippie Kann Live hat
for each one of you. Kippie's a giver.
- I gotta get to the control room.
- Carl, you wanna handle this?
- Got it covered here. Thanks.
- You're all in on this?
- Everyone knew?
- There is no conspiracy here.
Just a good idea for sweeps.
- You can fight it. Seems pointless.
- Lame. Really stupid.
Or you could become a part
of something bigger.
Something completely different.
Now, of course I cannot...
But trust me, gonna be big.
- Huge, it's giant.
- I'm talking about a real show here.
Changing formats. Breaking
the fourth wall, and the fifth.
Kamikaze television
without restriction...
...without hesitation, without Kippie.
It's a pretty exciting time
to be on the ground floor.
Thanks, Carl. But being that low
doesn't interest me.
Don't fool yourself. What you did was
lower than anything I've ever done.
By the way, if you leave now,
I will sue you for fraud.
Oh, come on.
It's your 15 minutes. It's not so bad.
- It's my life.
- It'll be over soon.
I meant the show.
Five, four, three, two...
Welcome back to Kippie Kann Live.
And "Little Black Book."
I think it's time to bring out the man
of the hour. What do you say?
Are you ready for Derek?
Derek! Derek!
Roll scream, roll doorbell.
Derek, come on out.
What the...?
Derek thought he was coming to
a surprise promotion party for Stacy.
You're in for it now!
Lulu? Rach... Joyce.
What the hell's going on?
What are you doing here?
- You can do it.
- You wanna tell him, Stace, or shall I?
I wanna tell him. I'll do it.
What's going on?
- Tell him!
- They're all here because of me.
They're all here because of me.
See, after I heard
about you and Lulu...
...I interviewed her.
- You did what?
You know, look under the hood first,
she's Lulu Fritz.
Thank you.
- We got around to the sex question...
- Wait a minute. You're not serious.
She said that you guys did it,
like, two, three times a day.
It's funny. I mean,
why would she lie like that?
- What are you doing?
- Purging. You can go next.
Then I went to Rachel. I wanted
to go straight to Joyce, but I couldn't.
Not right away, so I made up
this story about warts...
...and went to Rachel,
who I thought was a podiatrist...
...but it turns out, joke's on me.
You can shut the cameras off,
because it's never gonna air.
We're live in 70 markets.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Mom.
Then Barb and I
browsed through your Palm.
- Barb who?
- Barbara Campbell-hyphen-Dunn.
Who sold me out for this show.
Just like Carl's selling Kippie out.
At least, isn't that what you told me?
Yes, yes, that's it. Turn the tables
on us all. That's real. It's honest.
Phillip, get Carl.
Jay, give me a shot to Carl.
- What are you doing?
- Regurgitating.
Something sexy just for you, Carl.
- Who's Carl?
- Stage left, crooked toupee.
- Philip, on four.
- Camera four, go.
Get that camera off of me. Phil?
- Can't do this to him.
- You hold that shot. Split the screen.
Did you know that Carl
comes in really close... that America can see that tape
you wear on your face right there?
Then he edits it out
of the copy he gives you.
- Back to Carl now.
- And those tabloid leaks.
Nice, really nice.
You're burying Carl.
I'm burying him, her, you, me.
We're all going down.
Go to commercial.
No commercial. I'm still
running things. Stay with me, Phil.
Not you. You'll get promoted.
I'm out of here. I can't top this.
Anyway, Barb and I were playing
with your Palm, and we stumbled...
...across a lovely montage
of Joyce...
...and your folks on holiday.
Which is really odd, because
you never bring girls home.
- I don't.
- You brought her.
She's different.
- Yeah, why?
- Tell us!
You know what? I'm not doing this.
- Why?
- You wanna get out of my way?
Is she better for you?
I guess so.
Maybe I always knew it.
Maybe that's why I had to meet her...
...and when I did, I understood,
because I liked her too.
I liked you so much.
I want you to know that.
Not in a weird kind of way,
but in a way that I thought...
...maybe in some alternate
universe we could be friends.
Yesterday, you told me you were
schmoozing up some new recruit...
...and you're schmoozing Joyce?
No, Joyce's brother.
Robbie Moore,
the recruit, is Joyce's brother.
Joyce hooked us up
because she's trying to help me out.
Then why wouldn't you have
told me that straight up?
- I mean, why lie?
- I never lied to you!
- "Omission is betrayal."
- Yes.
Oh, okay. Now you're gonna
tell me about betrayal?
What the hell do you call this?
I would never do this to you, ever.
Then answer me this.
If we shared our lives together...
...why didn't we share our lives?
You shouldn't have
to tell me everything, Derek.
But why wouldn't you want to?
Unless there's somebody else
you're waiting for.
Someone who isn't afraid to say,
"The past isn't past, Derek."
Or, "I really wanna meet your folks."
Or, "I really, really hate hockey."
- You do?
- Oh, to the bottom of the ninth.
- That's baseball.
- You see that?
I was just too afraid to be honest
with you, with myself, because...
If I was really honest...
...gut-wrenching honest...
...then I'd have to admit...
...that we weren't right
the way you guys are.
Were we?
There's your show, Kippie.
"My Boyfriend Belongs With His Ex...
...and I Just Figured It Out."
Sue me, Carl.
I'm fully aware that you
may never speak to me again.
And I understand. I do.
But before you leave, I want you
to know that this whole idea...
...wasn't planned out.
It wasn't premeditated.
It presented itself,
and then I guided it into this...
...event. Now, granted,
it was dramatic. It was extreme...
...but you dove head-on
into the muck and came out...
...with this masterpiece.
And I hope one day
you can understand...
...that you got
what you wanted, Stace:
Your life back.
I should tear your
eyes out right now.
But how will you ever be able
to look at yourself in the morning?
Looks like we have an audience.
Stay put. Kippie Kann Live and
"Little Black Book"...
...will be back
after these words.
Move it, will you?
The question: How does a girl
who jumps into a rabbit hole...
... plummeting into chaos,
come out unchanged?
The answer:
She doesn't.
No, it can't be closed now.
Stacy Holt. It's Bean.
- King. Bean King from college.
- Bean.
Bean, what are you doing here?
Inventory. We just finished.
Bean There's yours?
The coffee place?
I come here all the time.
Of course it's yours.
Wow, this all makes sense
in some cosmic way.
I get it. I get it.
This must sound crazy to you.
It's just...
I have spent a lifetime
preparing for a lifetime.
And I was beginning to think
it all went wrong somehow.
But maybe you're the reason, Bean.
- For?
- Everything.
Maybe you're the plan
I was supposed to hang on to.
The 8:00 was sold out.
Should I try the 10:20?
Yeah, sure, honey. I'll be right there.
That's my wife, Colleen.
You should come meet her.
Love to, but I just gotta
go jump in the river now.
Hey, come on, now.
Every plan I had for my life
went so unbelievably wrong.
John Lennon said, "Life happens
when you're busy making other plans."
- Then he got shot.
- Right.
You just gotta live.
Stop planning your moves.
Let them happen.
I mean, you might be surprised.
Do you believe in
happy endings, Bean?
Yeah, I think so.
How about you?
I do.
Isn't that funny?
I still do with all my heart.
Even when the girl
doesn't get the guy in the end.
Or, in my case, both guys.
- That's amazing. Congratulations.
- Thanks.
You go find your
happy ending, Stacy Holt.
And thanks
for the continuing patronage.
By fall, I was ready to try again.
A little bruised. A little humbled.
And, hopefully, a little smarter.
I believe we write our own stories.
And each time we think
we know the end...
... we don't.
Perhaps luck exists
somewhere between...
... the world of planning,
the world of chance...
... and in the peace that comes
from knowing...
... that you just can't know it all.
You know, life's funny that way.
Once you let go of the wheel,
you might end up...
... right where you belong.
Wow, that is such an amazing story.
I mean, you went through
all of that, and here you are.
I can do this job, Jane.
I've been preparing my whole life.
It's too bad Diane's gone.
She is?
On assignment.
She'll be back next week.
But before she left...
...she told me, "If you find
someone great for this job...
...I mean, perfect...
...don't let them go."
Welcome aboard, Stacy.
You mean...
...I got the job?
- You got the job.
Stay here.
I'll go check Diane's calendar.
Thank you.
- Hello, Mama? I got the job.
- You got the job?
- You got the job! She got the job!
- I got the job! I got the job!
- She got the job!
- It's amazing, amazing, amazing.
- I knew it.
- What could be better than this?
Mama, what could be better?
Are you Jane?
I'm Carly Simon.
I'm here for the pre-tape.
Jane, Jane, Jane.
- Are you okay? Are you okay?
- Hello? Stacy?
Honey? Honey, are you there?
Hello? Hi, I've just come into the
studio, and I think your friend fainted.
She fainted?
Oh, my God. Who is this?
My name is Carly Simon.
I'm just here to meet with Jane.
Oh, I think she's coming around
again, so I'll give her the phone.
Hello? Mama?
Gone. Are you really Carly Simon?
- Yeah, I just...
- I can't believe this.
- You just really made my life.
- Are you Jane?
- My name is Stacy Holt.
- Stacy.
I just got a job here.
Please don't tell Diane that I fainted.
- You really are Carly Simon.
- You're okay?
This is the most...
Yes, thank you. I'm so mortified.
I hug people when I'm embarrassed.
So do I. I do exactly the same thing.
I think this is just about
the greatest day of my life.
So thank you. Thank you so much.
I love you.