Little Fockers (2010) Movie Script

Sweetheart, remember that
you're doing pickup today
and you need to
call the face painter
for the party.
Oh, and Henry
needs more Lactaid.
All right. Got it.
Pick up the kids,
call the face painter,
get Lactaid. I got it.
Also, I'm gonna drop
by the new house
and see how
the work's coming.
Oh, okay, awesome.
Can you make sure
that you measure
the backyard for
the bouncy castle?
We're gonna have
a bouncy castle
at our birthday party?
Do you want a bouncy castle?
Then, yes, we'll have
the best bouncy castle
in the whole world!
Bouncy castle!
Bouncy castle!
Bouncy castle...
And an Ultimate
Fighting Octagon?
Uh... I don't know
about that.
But, hey, you talked to me!
I was talking to Mommy.
Okay, but just now,
you talked to me
by saying that.
Why does she have
such a problem?
It's just a phase.
Don't push it.
Hey, sweetheart,
it hurts Daddy's feelings
when you give him
the silent treatment.
I'm ready for school,
I'm ready for school!
Pick me up, pick me up!
All right. Hey, Henry,
you know
you can't bring
Arthur to school.
But he's my best friend.
Honey, he's your
best lizard friend.
You've got lots of
non-lizard friends.
Not really.
Oh. All right,
have a good day.
I love you.
You're kidding me!
You can't take that
to school, monkey.
Go put that in your room.
Sam, I will see you.
I love you.
What? Yeah,
oh, golly, okay.
See you.
Thanks. Love you.
There he is!
Hey, Randy. How you doing?
Gregory Focker!
How's it going?
Wonderful to see you.
Great to see you.
Listen, I just
came by to check out
the backyard and measure
'cause we want to do
a bouncy castle for
the kids' birthday party.
That's terrific, Gregory.
Okay, you're about
five minutes late.
Yeah, I know.
A Miss Denslow
from the administrative
board called.
She wants to get a list
of the budget cuts.
You have a meeting
in 20 minutes
with John Raider
and some drug rep
from Pfosten Pharmaceuticals
is waiting in your office.
Andi something.
There's a drug rep in there?
Okay, look,
in three minutes,
pop your head in
and tell me I have to
go to my next meeting.
All right?
Sorry, I got to
make this really quick.
I got a very busy morning.
I understand,
Nurse Focker.
I'm Andi Garcia.
Oh, hi.
You have a lot less
stubble in person.
I'm... There's an actor
named Andy Garcia.
Widow's peak.
Sort of tough guy.
I was just kidding.
Of course, I know
who Andy Garcia is.
I get that all the time.
Yeah. You must
get it all the time
'cause you're named
Andi Garcia.
I loved the article
you wrote in the
AMA Journal,
"Putting Patients First."
You read that?
I loved it.
It was so cool getting
a nurse's perspective
on the health care crisis.
Yeah, that was the idea.
I actually started out
as a nurse, myself.
Really? Oh, well, nowadays,
I do less nursing and more...
Annoying meetings
with drug reps you'd rather
not deal with?
Hey, Greg, it's time
for your next meeting.
That's okay,
I'm fine, Kristen.
Thank you.
Yeah, but he doesn't
like to wait.
You know
how he is, you know.
Well, it's John Raider?
Yeah, he's really picky...
He always runs late.
Always runs late. Thanks.
You're swamped.
No, I'm good.
You want to have a seat?
I'll make this quick.
So we are launching
a killer new product
at Pfosten
and, while we usually
hire doctors to lead
our presentations,
I have a feeling about you.
I think you have the potential
to be a medical superstar.
And you'd be perfect
to represent
our new drug, Sustengo.
Ah. Sustengo. All right.
It's an erectile
dysfunction medicine.
It's not just any erectile
dysfunction medicine.
It's the first ED pill
on the market
safe for heart patients.
Because, in addition
to increasing the penile
blood flow...
See that penis?
It acts as
a beta blocker
to keep the heart rate down
during intercourse.
I mean, how dope is that?
That's pretty dope.
Nurse Focker needed
in room 220 B, stat.
I'm sorry,
hang on one second.
Nurse Focker, room 220 B.
Will you get out of my ass?
If you would stop
squirming around...
But you don't know
what you're doing.
It could have
been over, sir.
Hey, hey, hey,
how you doing there,
Mr. Androvsky?
Everything okay?
Well, this nurse
is a barbarian.
Okay, I'm not a barbarian.
He keeps clenching
and I can't make an insertion.
Louis, it's...
It's a natural response
to protect that cavity.
You're right,
it is a natural response.
I would protect
my cavity, too.
And we just got to do it
a little bit gentler.
May I suggest something?
Sir, why don't you
extend your left leg
and put your right knee
right up to your chest.
It'll help relax
things down there.
She's right.
You just do that
and you just grab the side
of the bed there, like that,
and exhale...
There you go.
Nurse, did you sufficiently
lubricate the nozzle?
I did do that.
Good, good, okay.
You got this?
All right.
Take a nice deep breath.
And focus
on relaxing your anus.
Right. That's right.
You just want
to let it dilate,
sort of like
a flower opening up.
Blossoming lotus.
Sort of like
a desert cactus.
It's okay.
Just a little,
friendly visitor
just saying hello.
All right, I'm just gonna
stick it in a little further.
Good smooth insertion.
Thank you.
I'm gonna release the clamp.
And let it flow.
How's that?
That was great.
Nice technique.
That was so fun.
Yeah, yeah.
I was thinking about it
and, honestly,
I just don't have time
to moonlight pitching
a drug right now.
Shot down.
No, it's not you.
It's just...
No, I get it, you know.
Running nursing
in med-surge is a big job.
Yeah, yeah, so big,
I'm making less than I did
when I was in the ER.
Look, we are sponsoring
a convention at the Hilton.
You can make tons of dough
for, like, one speech.
Think about it.
Okay. I will,
I'll think about it.
That was bad-ass,
by the way.
Yeah. Literally.
Dr. Bob.
Jack, my taxi's here.
Oh, honey,
I just got off with Deb.
They are
officially separated.
Dr. Bob finished moving out.
That lowlife.
Yeah. You can
say that again.
You sure you don't want me
to come with you?
No, you know,
I think Deb needs
a little mother-daughter
time, honey.
All right?
Having an affair
with a nurse.
I can't believe
I didn't see
the warning signs.
He was very discreet.
She didn't even know
until she saw
those text messages.
Whatever you call them.
Yeah, but I'm trained
to detect that sort
of behavior, honey,
and the truth is
I was so busy putting
Focker through the wringer,
Dr. Bob slipped
right under my radar.
Oh, don't be
so hard on yourself.
Well, I'll never
let that happen again.
Are you having one of
your little heart palpies
again, Jack?
My muscles are
a little tight!
Yeah, yeah.
From stress.
I can see that.
Okay, will you just,
please, just relax, okay?
Everything is gonna be
all right. Honest.
Oh, I got to go.
I'm gonna miss you.
Hey, Mom.
Hello, my precious prince,
how are you, darling?
Good. How's the TV show going?
Oh, great.
You know what this
week's episode is about?
Using the latest sexual toys
to spice up your love life.
As an early Hanukkah present,
I'm gonna
send you and Pam a box
of these musical condoms.
Don't do that.
You got to hear this, honey.
There's a little
speaker inside.
And the faster you go,
the louder it gets.
You know what?
Mom, Pam and I are fine.
We don't need musical condoms.
Honey, every couple can use
a little stimulation.
Oh, by the way,
interesting episode last week.
Which one? "Masturbation
Through The Ages"?
I thought we agreed
you weren't gonna
talk about me
on the air anymore.
Please, it was just
a little anecdote about
carpal tunnel syndrome
from excessive
I have to connect
your father now, okay?
We need to
tell you something.
Hi! Gay? Roz?
Yeah, I'm here.
Can you hear me?
Where are you?
You won't believe it.
I'm in Seville, Spain.
Where... What are
you doing in Spain?
I'm studying.
your father decided that
he's not gonna make
it to the twins' party.
Gay, you remember
when your mother's show
hit number one
in the ratings
and she signed on
for a second year?
I looked in the mirror
and I said, "Who am I?"
Then I see this
clip on the YouTube
and there is a Spanish guy
and he's dancing the flamenco.
And the sweat is
pouring off of his face
and there is such
passion in his eyes
and I said, "That's it!"
That's what?
That's me. I am flamenco!
I will master this art.
Dad, this is crazy.
What are you doing?
You're in Spain?
You're gonna miss the party?
You picked a hell of a time
to go through man-opause.
Roz, I am not going
through man-opause,
I'm just trying to find
my true north.
True north, huh?
What are you,
a compass or something?
No, but let's face it.
I'm a stay-at-home dad
whose kid hasn't lived
at home in 25 years.
There's an Arthur Murray
studio right here
in Miami Beach.
Why schlep
all the way to Spain?
I can't believe you, Roz.
Why can't you
support my dreams
the way I have
always supported yours?
Guys, guys...
When you
wanted to try
new sex positions
for your research,
I was your guinea pig!
You volunteered.
I pulled
my hamstring...
Hey! Hey!
...doing a reverse cowgirl!
That's because
you did it backwards.
I never went soft on you.
Bernie, do you hear
how you're upsetting your son?
Let me talk.
Listen, will you?
That son of a bitch.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
what's your emergency?
Yeah, my name is Jack Byrnes.
I live at 28
Cherry Blossom Lane.
I'm going into cardiac arrest.
I need an ambulance
right away.
I'm guessing your average
response time at this hour
is between 12 and 17 minutes.
I need you to do
better than that.
Thank you, goodbye.
Stay calm, Mr. Jinx.
I'm going to
defibrillate myself.
Seriously, though,
my dad, he always
sounds a little crazy,
but this was like
a whole different level.
No, I mean they were
really going at it.
She accused him of
going through man-opause.
Is that a real thing?
Your parents have
the best marriage
of anyone I know.
They will be fine.
Yeah, I guess so.
You were talking
about the kids.
Really, their teacher
suggested private school?
Yeah, she said
she was concerned
about them "getting lost"
in the public school
system or something.
What's the name
of this place?
The Early Human School.
I have absolutely
heard of that place.
Sounds like a school
for Neanderthals.
No, it's actually considered
the Harvard of kindergartens.
Mmm. Well, I think
Harvard's cheaper.
I'll go see who that is.
Hey, greetings
from the Black Sea.
You look terrific.
Hi, stranger, thanks.
What are you doing there?
Listen, Pam.
Is there any way
I could speak to Greg?
I want to get his advice
on something,
believe it or not.
Sure, absolutely. Hey, Greg?
Greg, honey,
it's your buddy, Kevin.
Hold on.
Thank you.
How you doing, man?
I was just doing
a little sailing
and living the dream,
You need a refill on that
goji berry smoothie?
You read my mind.
Fill her up, Pak-Man.
Greg, you know
Deepak Chopra, right?
I know of him.
Hi, Greg.
Hi, Mr. Chopra.
Dr. Chopra.
Get out of here,
you rascal.
So, listen, the reason
why I'm calling is
because next week...
Kevin, who do
you Skype with?
I am just talking
to my friend, Greg Focker.
- Come here.
Hey, honey,
what'd you do with
Henry's Lactaid?
Oh, crap, I forgot. Sorry.
Well, okay.
But did you call
the face-paint lady?
No, I'm sorry.
I had, like,
Honey, I asked you
to do two things,
that's all I asked.
I know. Sorry, babe.
Okay, so here's the dealio.
I'm going to propose
to Svetlana.
You're gonna propose?
That's incredible.
I'm gonna have three Russian
MiG fighter jets fly by
and skywrite
"Marry me, Svetlana."
And then I'm gonna hide
a 50-carat super-tasteful
diamond ring
in this tin of
extremely rare beluga.
Then we will
finish the night
with a special performance
that I choreographed
with members of
the Bolshoi Ballet,
dedicated to our love.
Honestly, I'm thinking
maybe it's a little
too involved.
I mean, with Pam,
my whole thing was just
keep it simple,
speak from the heart.
Keep it simple
and speak from the heart.
I like it, hombre.
You know what?
I'd better call off some
Russian MiG fighter jets.
And, hey, by the time
I get to Chi-town,
this old dog here
could be an engaged man.
Hey, Kevin?
The jet skis are ready!
The jet skis are ready?
Well, fire 'em up for me.
I'll be right there.
Jet-skiing monks.
Wow, I cannot believe
that Kevin is
finally settling down.
Well, I think
he's found a soul mate.
Hey, you're gonna
eat some of this.
She seemed nice.
Yeah. I am very happy
for Kevin.
I love him,
especially when he's
not obsessed with you.
Oh, come on.
You're being ridiculous.
Oh, you got it?
Hey, sweetheart,
will you please
take a bite of
the lasagna, honey?
No. Uh-uh.
Do you not like it?
Hey, what's the good word,
Grandpa Jack?
This is Jack Byrnes.
Yeah, I know.
I could tell
from the caller ID.
How are you doing?
Greg, excuse yourself
from the table by saying
these exact words,
"I don't know
if I still have it,
but let me check my files."
If Pam asks you what I want,
tell her that I
asked you to locate
your birth certificate
for my genealogical work.
Just do it.
I don't know
if I have that, Jack,
but let me check my files.
Files? You have files?
Yes, yeah, I do.
I keep files.
He wants me to get
my birth certificate
for that family tree thing
he's doing.
Jack? Everything okay?
Everything is fine, Greg,
I suffered a minor
heart attack,
but I was able to
defibrillate myself
before going into
fatal cardiac arrest.
You defibrillated yourself?
The doctor said
I was a lucky man
and I've just
got to watch my diet
and keep my stress level down.
Wow, okay, so I guess
you guys aren't gonna be
able to come to
the twins' birthday party.
No, Dina and I
will be there
as planned, Greg.
And I was able to keep this
on a need-to-know basis.
And right now,
you're the only person
who needs to know.
Well, come on, Jack.
I mean, I think
Dina needs to know.
Greg, stop talking and listen.
Now, my genealogical
research has allowed me
to track the Byrnes family
as far back as 1643.
Now, I wouldn't be
able to do that, say,
to your family,
what with all
the wandering peddlers
and nameless peasants.
But, as long as there
have been Byrneses,
there's always
been a patriarch
to lead our family through
good times and bad.
And I've finally
come to the realization
that the next in line
to the throne, Greg,
is you.
Yes, you, Greg.
So my question is this,
in the event of my demise,
are you prepared
to lead this family?
You know, Jack,
we're right
in the middle of dinner.
Maybe we could talk
about this, you know,
when you come into town.
If I go down, Greg,
I need to know someone
will be responsible
for the whole Byrnes clan.
So I ask you, Greg,
are you prepared to be
the Godfocker?
The Godfocker?
The Godfocker.
Well, that is a very powerful
turn of phrase, Jack.
And when you say Godfocker,
I mean...
I mean, I think
I know what you mean,
but I'm just...
What exactly does that mean?
It's an attitude, Greg.
It's a confidence.
It's the way
you carry yourself
that lets the world
know that the buck
stops with you.
Yeah, I hear you. Mmm-hmm.
None of this can be achieved
without the basics.
A secure home for your family,
a top-notch education
for your children...
...and last but not least,
having your financial
house in order, Greg.
Is that it?
Are you laughing?
Yeah, no, I'm just...
I was making... No.
Because this is no
laughing matter, Greg.
Good, 'cause
I'm not laughing. Okay?
Are you saying
you have what it takes
to be the Godfocker?
Yes, Jack.
I have what it takes
to be the Godfocker.
I feel like a great weight
has been lifted
off my shoulders.
And an equally
great weight put onto yours.
I like it.
I like the weight.
I want it.
All right. Need-to-know.
Just you and me.
See you in two weeks.
Okay. Bye.
Hey, did you find it?
Find what?
Your birth certificate?
Yes. It was in my files.
You know, I was thinking,
maybe we should
take a look at that
Early Human School.
Great. I'll make
some phone calls
and set up a tour.
You gonna have your lasagna?
No, thank you.
You know,
your mother worked very hard
making that lasagna for you.
No. It tastes funny.
He said he was feeling
kind of queasy, so...
It's okay.
I'm your father
and I'm requesting of you
to eat the lasagna.
- Hello?
Greg? This is Jack Byrnes.
Jack Byrnes,
this is Greg Focker.
I know, Greg. I called you.
Dina and I will be there
in approximately 18 seconds.
Eighteen seconds, got it.
Oh, no,
that's yours, honey.
Welcome, in-laws!
Oh, Gregor.
My goodness.
Dina, Dina Bobina,
Banana Fana Fofina.
I'm so happy to see you.
Lovely Dina.
You, too, Gregor.
Hello, Jack.
Everything okay, Greg?
Everything's great.
renovations on the house,
not quite where
I'd like them to be.
Well, those things happen.
They do. I mean,
never to me before.
And Sam here has done
very, very well with her
tae kwon do lessons.
She's a... What are you?
A yellow belt now?
Yellow belt.
Wow, sweetheart.
Very impressive.
She's lethal.
She is a ninja.
Proud of her.
Now, Henry,
you're going to drink
your milk, aren't you?
You want to hit the same
growth spurt as your sister.
I'm just saying, you know,
it's hard to believe
that they're
three minutes apart.
Henry, do what
your grandpa says.
Aw, man.
For real.
Good man.
Okay. Who wants some turkey?
I do, right here!
Right here!
Sweetheart, you didn't
have to make a whole
turkey just for us.
Why not?
Actually, Greg did it.
Well, I remember
at last year's Thanksgiving,
Jack said he liked
roast turkey so much
and he couldn't
understand why people
only had it once a year.
Excellent memory, Greg.
Plus, it's a wonderfully
lean meat. Healthy.
Good for your heart.
Such a sweetheart.
Grandpa Jack,
can I ask you a question?
You surely can.
How come you're afraid
of lizards?
Henry, that's
a very good question.
And I'll tell you why.
When I was stationed
in the Mekong Delta
during the Vietnam War,
a tiny gecko crawled
into my ear one night
and laid its eggs.
And I had to endure
the torturous probing
of our unit's medic
to remove the lizard larvae
from my ear canal
before they hatched
into my brain.
Yes, thanks for
sharing that, Dad.
All right,
gobble, gobble, everybody!
It's turkey time!
That looks good.
That's a work of art.
Thank you very much.
Looks great, Greg.
Thank you, Jack.
And to carve it,
I thought we might use
the beautiful
Irish hunting knife
emblazoned with
the Byrnes family crest
that Jack so thoughtfully
brought back for us
from his ancestral homeland.
Look at that, kids.
- Great.
Look at that.
See that crest?
That was used
by your ancestors
long time ago,
back in the olden days,
to identify their family.
Daddy, can I ask
you a question?
He loves history.
Just soaks it up.
Can a girl poop
from her vagina?
No, she cannot.
They're a little
young for genealogy.
Just a little off topic there.
Jack. Here you go!
Greg. You're
the turkey carver now.
Thank you. I'm honored.
All right. Let's carve
the roast beast!
Let's see. I think
I'll start right side.
Nice and tender.
So, Greg, how are you
liking your new job?
Well, I'll tell you, Dina,
it's a lot of responsibility
on my plate.
But that's kind of
what I love about it.
I mean, the opportunity
to manage an entire unit,
in a way,
it's kind of like...
Why couldn't you just get him
a warm-blooded animal?
- Mom!
Honey. It's okay,
it's okay, honey.
Where is he going?
Are you okay?
Hey, Kevin!
It's Kevin, everybody.
You're in Chicago?
Hey. Hey.
Hey, everybody. Hello.
Oh! Good to see you.
There he is!
The engaged guy!
How you doing, man?
Oh! What happened
to your pointer?
I had a little incident
with the business end
of a turkey. It's cool.
Where's Svetlana?
Or should I say, the future
Mrs. Kevin Rawley?
She broke up with me.
You're kidding.
I'm so sorry.
Thanks, Pam.
You always know exactly
the right thing to say to me.
"I'm so sorry"?
My anchor.
What happened?
What happened?
I don't know.
I'm still trying to
make sense of it myself.
We were having
some street food
outside a government
building in Bulgaria
and I said, "Hey, you want
to get married?"
And I took out
a little piece of string
and I tied the twine
around her finger,
and she just...
She threw it on
the ground and said no.
Or nyet,
'cause she's Russian.
She caught the next
plane out of there.
Adios, Kevin.
Your proposal seems
way out of character.
Why did you put
so little effort into it?
Greg told me to.
What are you...
Kevin, no, no.
What are you talking about?
I didn't...
- Daddy?
I can't sleep.
Still in diapers.
No, Jack, they're pull-ups.
We're weaning him off diapers.
What's up, man?
I can't stop thinking
about all that blood.
Really? All right, well,
how about I read you a story?
Uncle Kevin!
How you doing, tiger?
Are you having
a hard time sleeping?
There we go.
Jesus. Henry?
Are you...
Shh. He's sleeping.
He's sleeping.
I put him in a still-point.
It's a massage technique
that relaxes
the body by gently
easing the flow of
cerebrospinal fluid.
Yeah. Look at him.
He's gonna wake up
feeling so refreshed.
I've been studying
a lot of Eastern medicine
in my down time.
Well, listen,
I just came by
to say my hellos,
so I will head on out.
Hey, Kev, listen,
do you need a place to stay?
No, he doesn't.
You got a place
to stay, right?
And we're pretty full up.
Not a problem.
I volunteer at a South Side
homeless shelter.
So, I'll probably
stay there
and just work
the soup kitchen line
in the morning.
That is so
wonderful, Kevin.
Yeah, it's funny,
I feed them food,
but those vagrants
and drifters feed my soul,
so it works out
pretty good for all of us.
We always need extra hands,
if you guys wanna
come on down tomorrow...
Actually, Greg and I
are taking a tour
of this place called
the Early Human
School tomorrow.
But maybe after...
You're kidding me,
the Early Human School?
My investment group
handles their endowment fund.
In fact,
the director, Prudence,
is a dear friend
and ex-lover of mine.
I'm gonna put in
a good word for you.
That would be great,
wouldn't it?
Oh, of course.
Or not. I mean,
you know, she's an ex-lover,
I think that'd be awkward.
No, nonsense.
I'm on great terms
with all my ex-lovers.
Okay. All right,
well, you know,
whatever feels right.
After the tour, Greg,
I was hoping you'd
show us your new house.
And, Kevin,
when you're done
feeding the bums,
why don't you meet us there?
Okay. I'll be there.
You know what, Jack?
I still have some items
on the punch list
to go through
with the contractors,
so I'm thinking
maybe we should
put it off for a few days.
Ah, no,
let's do it tomorrow.
Well, I think...
We'll meet you
there at noon, Kevin.
I don't know.
At noon?
Yeah, all right.
And we're gonna
get you through this.
Anything you need,
you come to me.
Okay. Thanks, J.B.
Yeah. Or me.
Well, you can come
to either of us.
Yeah, we're here for you.
Careful, yeah.
- I feel like crap.
- Yeah.
You're burning up.
Yeah, I must have
gotten the flu
the kids had last week.
Oh, my God,
the school tour is today.
Yeah, I know.
Honey, what am I gonna do?
I'll do it. Okay?
I'll handle it.
Yeah, and your mom
can take the kids
to school.
But what about my dad?
I got it, all right?
I really appreciate
your including me
on the school tour, Greg.
Oh, Jack, you are
a trusted advisor.
I mean, your words
hit home about
a top-notch education,
getting your
financial house in order.
That's it. That's it.
It's all about
the kids, right?
The next generation.
I'm glad to
hear you say that.
Makes me feel that
I've chosen wisely.
Of course,
children change
everything in a marriage,
and that was the issue
with Debbie and Bob.
They stopped finding
time for each other
once LJ came into their lives,
so Bob sought
sexual fulfillment
outside the marriage.
Dr. Bob.
Dr. Bob.
He really disappointed me.
I'll tell you something.
I'd like to really teach
that bastard a lesson.
I happen to have
his new address.
Perhaps you and I should
sneak in there one night
and plant a tiny
explosive device
in the stove.
Make it look like a gas leak.
Yeah. Yeah.
Or we could,
you know, maybe
find some less criminal way
of teaching him a lesson.
You know, still get him.
I'm only joking, Greg.
But it would be fun.
Yeah, oh,
it would be great.
I'm hoping that you and Pam
are still finding time
for each other.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, are you kidding?
Yeah, no, no,
we're great, we're...
I mean, you know,
it's not easy.
You got to work
at it, but...
Are you still
physically attracted
to my daughter, Greg?
To Pam? Are you kidding? Yes.
Jack, there's never been
a problem with that.
Even after her body's
endured the hellish ordeal
of birthing twins?
Yes. Even after that.
It's still... It's all good.
It's all good under the hood.
That's disgusting.
Welcome, parents.
I'm Prudence Simmons,
director of
the Early Human School.
And at E.H.S., we know.
We know that no two
early humans are alike.
So why should their
educational experiences
be identical? Right?
Makes sense.
It's not about
the 99.8 % of graduates
that go on to the best
secondary schools.
Wow, impressive.
That guy's really been
hitting the Bowflex, huh?
It's not
the overwhelming number
of Early Human alumni
that become civic leaders,
CEOs of Fortune
What's important to us
is that they become
Please welcome
the Early Human Tumblers!
Kids are really good.
I like what I'm seeing
from this place.
And I'm sure
it doesn't come cheap.
You think you can swing it?
Yeah. Yeah,
I got it covered.
And, you know,
if it's not covered
right now,
it will be covered.
It's one of those things
that you cover it.
Do you have the money
or not, Greg?
New friends, hello!
Hi, I'm Prudence. Greg?
Greg. How are you?
Jack Byrnes.
So, Jack and Greg,
tell me what path
you've chosen.
How do you make a "living"?
Oh, okay, well,
I'm a nurse.
He's being modest.
He's actually
the department manager
of the medical-surgical unit
at Chicago Memorial
and I am a retired florist.
What a combination,
a nurse and a florist?
How great.
May I ask how long
you've been
in each other's lives?
Oh, I'd say... Well,
it's about eight years,
hasn't it been?
Yeah, eight years.
I'd say eight years.
Yeah, yeah.
Eight great years. Yeah.
Eight great years.
Well, it started out
a little rocky.
We've had our moments.
Yes, but then
we figured it out.
You seem like
a wonderful couple.
No, no, no.
We're not homosexuals.
Yeah, no.
No, no. No, no, no, no,
this is my son-in-law.
Yeah, yeah,
no, no, no, no.
However, if you're
looking to fill a quota,
we can be flexible.
Okay, that's an
interesting joke,
but I appreciate
levity in a moment
of misunderstanding,
so thank you, Greg.
I will say, Jack,
I hope I didn't offend you.
Oh. No, no.
No. I mean,
I'm not gay myself,
but if I were gay,
I would certainly be proud
to choose a life partner
like Gay Focker.
And that's
his actual name.
It is. Well,
it's my, Gaylord was my name
when I was a kid and, yeah.
Well, I'll complete
the conversation with that.
Gay. Great.
Change that nametag.
You can call...
It's Greg. Greg is fine.
Why don't we just
stick with the truth?
An original
American Foursquare,
Greg, very nice.
Yeah, yeah.
It's got rock-solid bones
and, you know, it's...
Hey! There they are.
Kev-O, that's quite a rental.
- Yeah.
Gustavo, my assistant,
hooked it up.
I guess it's
a Tesla Roadster
or something.
Supposedly eco-friendly,
like that 2003 Prius, Greg.
Yeah, you got it.
Wow. It looks great.
American Foursquare.
Also known as
a Prairie Box.
- It's got
really good bones.
Good eye, Kev.
Look out
for your legs.
That's good.
Randy? Randy,
what is this?
Gregory Focker!
Great to see you.
How you doing, Dad?
Randy, what is this?
We're having the party
here in two days.
Refresh my memory, Gregory.
Are you kidding me?
Randy, the twins'
birthday party, remember?
Yes, of course!
The issue
we're dealing with is
that we had to excavate
pipe back here!
So, of course,
we ran into some
unexpected costs
along with an obvious delay.
Randy, is this yard
gonna be done or is it
not gonna be done?
Jack, I got this.
All right?
All Mr. Byrnes
is suggesting is that
maybe inadvertently
you're taking advantage
of a gentle, trusting soul
who clearly is an amateur
when it comes to
home construction.
No, Kevin.
Thank you, Swami Salami.
That's not true at all.
It is true, Greg.
They're ripping you off.
No, Jack...
Your plumbing excavators
have been on coffee break
for the past eight minutes,
this senior citizen over here
is unfit for active duty
and your backhoe driver's
halfway through
a Sudoku puzzle.
All right.
who is this joker
questioning my honor?
Nobody's questioning
your honor, Randy.
I'm 34 years in the trade!
Thirty-four years, huh?
I got to pump, dump
and hump to get that
backyard whole again!
Well, I got news for you.
You can pump, dump
and hump all you want!
You're sandbagging
this damn job
and you know it.
All right. You know what?
Jack, Jack, Jack!
Calm down!
You're leaving
a big hole, you...
Hey, General!
The Japanese surrendered!
The Japanese surrendered!
That's it!
What are you talking about?
World War Il.
I'll tell you what, Gregor.
I have a timeshare in town.
Why don't we have
the party there?
Beautiful meadow.
It'll be perfect.
No, no, Kevin,
I promised the kids
they're gonna have
the party in the yard.
So, guess what?
We're gonna have the party
in the yard. Okay?
Soon as our
dump truck driver's
back from lunch,
we'll get that out,
bring the backhoe in,
lay down your
base layer of sand.
Wait a minute.
You're telling us that
you can't move that rig?
That's a union job, pops.
Screw it. I'm gonna
move that truck myself.
No, come on.
No, you know what, Jack?
I'll do it, okay?
You just help me
back it out
into the street.
I got it.
Here we go.
All right,
start backing her up.
You're all clear.
Coming at you, Jack!
You're doing great,
you're doing great.
Hey, look,
I'm not in the union, Randy!
I'm backing up the truck!
Come on. Back, back, back.
Doing great. Doing great!
Doing great!
Whoa! Whoa!
Brake it!
You got it!
We're good.
- Emergency brake!
Got it!
Holy shit!
Hang on, I'm with you!
Jack, I'm right here.
Jack, we're gonna get you!
It's gonna be
all right, Jack!
Jack, we're coming!
Hang on, Jack!
I got him!
I got you.
It's Kevin.
I'm right here.
Thank you, Kevin.
Save your strength.
Greg's right here.
He's okay.
Yeah, I see him.
Hey, Jack.
Oh, here, it's starting.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's The Roz Focker Show!
And that means it's time
to sexpress yourself!
Hello, my audience!
Hello, my friends. Welcome.
Today, what do you think
we're going to talk about?
Sex. Sex.
Well, what else is she
gonna talk about?
Sex after children.
How do you find
time to make love
with young children
in the house?
What do you do
if it's not working?
Do you have an affair?
No, you say?
But Roz Focker says yes!
Yes, you do have an affair!
You have an affair
with your wife!
Oh, Roz!
Think about it, right?
You dress up a little nicer.
You meet at a hotel.
You role play.
There is absolutely no shame
in playing out a fantasy,
but with each other!
All right?
Now, he's gonna kill me,
but my own son,
who is the father
of two adorable twins,
he has issues
in this department.
He's busy at work.
She's busy at home.
Their intimacy
numbers are down.
They're not connecting.
And what do you do?
It's called Sustengo.
I got to say, that sounds
pretty cheesy, Greg.
Yeah, well,
I'm looking at these
Randy Weir bills, okay.
And we could definitely
use the money.
And do me a favor.
Don't tell your dad
about this, okay?
My dad? Why?
Just 'cause
he's been all into
me having
my financial house
in order or whatever,
and I just don't
want to worry him.
All right, fine.
I won't say anything
because he's already
pretty upset
about you trying to bury
him alive.
Honey, it was an accident.
Hey. Hey, can you
hang on a second?
I am so stoked
you changed your mind.
You are going to rock
those urologists tonight.
That's always been
a goal of mine.
So, I'll see you
at 8:00 at the Hilton?
And wear a suit.
Wear a suit, got it.
Okay, bye.
Knuckles? Who was that?
That certainly
didn't sound like Kristen.
No, no.
That was the drug rep.
Yeah, Andi.
What does she look like?
She's like a...
No, she's, like,
an ex-nurse.
You wouldn't pick her
out of a lineup.
Yeah, I know that
you're doing this for us,
but the idea of you
and some woman
named Andi
selling boner medicine
at a hotel, it really
kind of icks me out.
Honey, there's nothing
to be icked out about.
Okay, fine.
I love you.
I love you, too, honey. Bye.
Okay, bye.
So, how come
you're not talking
to Daddy?
'Cause he said
you were cuckoo.
He said I was cuckoo?
Well, we'll have
to discuss that.
But what about
Mommy and Daddy?
Is everything okay
with them?
I guess
they fight sometimes.
Mmm-hmm. And what do
they fight about?
Like Mommy got mad at Daddy
because he was going
to the hotel with Andi.
Who's Andi?
I can't say because
I'm not supposed
to be spying.
Like I always tell you,
there's nothing
wrong with spying
as long as you
suspect foul play.
So, who's Andi?
Andi gives Daddy
his boners.
His what?
Andi gives Daddy his boners.
Hey, guys!
Hey, Greg.
How was your day?
How about you, Sam?
What? Come on,
say something to me.
No! I won't!
Ah! You just did.
Hey, Greg?
I'm not so sure
using chicanery
and subterfuge
on your daughter
is the best way
to get her to
communicate with you.
No, no, no. That's not
chicanery and subterfuge.
For whatever it's worth.
Worth a lot. Thank you.
And I will
see you later, okay?
I got roped into this hospital
administration dinner
thing tonight, so...
Work function?
It's the price of being
in charge of the unit, so...
I see.
That last minute, huh?
Department head called
so I gotta do
a little face time and...
Have fun.
Is that you?
What are you doing out here?
Just picking up
some milk
for the morning.
You looking
for a market?
Okay, 'cause there's one
right across from the house.
Oh, is there?
I didn't know that.
Just take a left
on Lincoln. Right there.
Thanks, Greg.
See you later.
Excuse me.
Hey, man.
You following me?
Following you?
Why would I be
following you?
No, I'm just
looking for milk.
Okay. 'Cause, remember,
I mentioned
out on the street there,
there's a store
right in the neighborhood.
True, but Dina likes
the organic stuff
and I heard there was
a natural food market
Amazing, you going
all this way just for
a carton of milk.
You know what?
You should get off here.
There's a really great
natural foods market
about two blocks
south of the station.
Have a good night, Jack.
You, too, Greg.
Oh! Hey.
Everything cool?
You seem a little edgy.
No, I'm good.
It's just my in-laws
are in town, so...
Anyway, I went over
the drug info
and I think I got
the science down
pretty well.
Oh, no, Greg.
These doctors don't care
about that stuff.
If you want to sell
a drug like Sustengo,
you have to make it personal.
Do you know any
sexually frustrated
old dudes with
a heart condition?
I didn't hear you come in.
What kept you so long?
I just got
a little bit lost.
Everyone asleep?
We've got
the house to ourselves.
I'm so happy that you
got away from your wife.
Excuse me?
She's been
very suspicious lately.
Quick, quick, quick.
We only have an hour.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Jack, come on.
You've gotta play along.
Roz Focker said
we have to have an affair
with each other.
I'm role playing.
Right, right, right.
I understand.
I just have
a bit of a headache,
sweetheart, tonight.
I know. You've had
that worried look
on your face all day.
I promise you,
the Focker family
is going to be fine.
Now, come on.
Before my husband
comes home.
Then, we'd better hurry,
my illicit lover.
Let me just brush my teeth.
Your father-in-law
did not really put you
in a lie detector machine.
No, that's true.
That's incredible!
Jesus Christ, I thought
my wife's father was bad.
That was
a great speech, nurse.
Thank you.
And hey,
"I'm staring at you."
It was "I'm watching you,"
but that's what he did, yes.
Thank you.
You killed it tonight.
Those stories
about your family
were hilarious.
Thank you.
So, I should be
getting going.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're my fianc.
Hey, gorgeous.
Hello, Dr. Ballard.
So nice to see you.
Hey, can I get you 200 cc's
of anything you want, stat?
Only if you can buy a drink
for my fianc as well.
Didn't know
you were engaged.
Can you
take a picture for us
for my scrapbook?
You know what?
You don't...
He doesn't have to do that.
Yeah, it's for
our scrapbook.
No, you know what, bro?
I'm cool like that.
I'll do that.
You are such a doll.
Here we go.
One, two, three.
Best picture ever.
You look great
and you have, like,
a red-eye problem.
I'll see you later, babe.
I cannot believe
I ever slept with that guy.
Yeah, right.
No, seriously, I did.
At a convention
in Milwaukee last summer.
We were, like,
drinking tequila,
doing rum chasers.
Always a bad idea, right?
Can you get me a margarita
on the rocks, no salt?
You know what...
I'm gonna run
to the restroom.
Gosh. You know what...
All right, cool.
You're the best.
All right? All right.
All right, okay.
Hi. Can I get a club soda
and a margarita
on the rocks with no salt?
Night out
on the town, Focker?
Dr. Bob.
Hey, man!
What are you doing here?
I'm here for the convention.
What about you?
Doing some work for Pfosten
as a medical expert.
But you're a nurse.
You know what?
I don't really have
anything to say to you.
Okay, I get it, Greg.
I screwed up.
But the pressure
of being in that family
finally got to me.
What are you talking about?
You were his golden boy.
More like his golden bitch.
He wanted Deb and me
to get married
in Oyster Bay. Done.
Can we name
our baby after him?
"You got it, Jack."
And he gives me this
whole spiel, right,
about how I'm next in line
to his throne.
He came up with
this name for me,
the Bobfather.
Really? He said that to you?
He pulled the same shit
on you, didn't he?
In that family,
we're all just hamsters
on Jack Byrnes' little wheel.
His Circus of Trust,
or whatever he calls it.
Circle of Trust.
I had no idea
how deep I was in
until I stepped away.
And I'll
tell you something,
once I got off the treadmill,
I've never been happier.
Yeah, well, I think
I got it under control.
Hello, Greg.
Hey, Jack.
You mind explaining this?
What is that? Oh.
Sustengo. Yeah, that's...
You know.
These drug companies,
they give me
all these free samples.
Is that it?
Or do you need
to use this
because you're no longer
sexually attracted to Pam?
You know what, Jack?
That's ridiculous.
Really. You know what?
I'm not even gonna
go there with you.
This is...
Have a good night,
all right?
I'm gonna go sleep.
Don't walk away
from me, Focker.
Jack, is everything okay
down there?
Everything's fine.
Okay. All right.
'Cause you seem
to have a little, I mean...
I know what I have, Greg,
and I'm not concerned
about that right now.
Right now, what I want
from you is the truth.
Jack, did you take
one of those pills?
Well, I was
highly preoccupied
and Dina wanted
to make love,
and the label clearly
states that it's safe
for heart patients.
Yes, but you need
a prescription
after you've had
a thorough examination.
How long have you had that...
The situation for?
Stop avoiding the question.
I'm not avoiding
the question.
If you've had that
for more than four hours,
you could bust a capillary
and have serious
permanent damage.
How long
have you had it?
Been a little longer
than four hours.
How long?
Maybe about five and a half.
Jack, you got to get
to an ER right now
and get a shot of adrenaline
to counteract that drug.
You're a nurse.
Don't you have that kind of
stuff in the house?
Yeah, I have an Epi kit,
but I'm not gonna give you
a shot there, okay?
Focker, there is no way
I'm going to an ER room
with this thing.
Now you need to stick me
and you need to stick me now!
I'm having a dick attack!
Stick me!
Shh. Just relax. Okay.
I'll get the needle.
All right. I need you
to drop your pants.
What kind of sick drug
are you dealing
to your patients?
Jack, I told you,
I took home some samples.
All right?
Maybe read the label
before you just pick up
a drug and eat it.
Let's just do it.
I'm gonna
administer the shot
on the count of three.
Just... All right?
Okay. Just...
Your hands are cold.
I'm sorry.
It's a bit...
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Wait, what's going on?
What happened?
Everything's fine.
Henry had
a little nightmare,
but Greg's got him
settled down, okay.
No, no, Jack,
I thought I heard you
screaming, too.
No, you didn't.
It was all Henry.
Well, let me go
check on him...
Oh, no, no, no.
...and make sure he's okay.
You guys go to sleep.
Everything's under control.
Could you and Dad
keep it down, please?
Here's Sirius Black.
Here's Orange Ninja, okay?
You all right?
How's he doing?
He's all right.
You know, he's
a little shaken up, but...
Greg, I was involved
in some covert
mind-altering techniques
back in the '70s.
I'd like a few minutes
alone with him
just to erase what
he saw from his memory.
You're not gonna erase
my son's memory.
Greg, he saw his father
inject a needle into his
grandfather's penis.
He already has issues.
That's something he might
never recover from.
I'll handle it, okay?
All right?
Okay, thank you.
Hey, buddy.
So, you know how sometimes
you need help when you...
When you make a wee-wee?
Well, when you get to be
Grandpa Jack's age,
sometimes you need help
making a wee-wee, too.
So that's what you
saw me doing.
I was helping Grandpa Jack
because he's old.
Well, why did
he scream so loud?
He wasn't screaming.
He was celebrating,
he was just so happy.
He was, like, "Oh, Focker.
Thanks for helping me
make a wee-wee."
He just...
He was so happy.
Right, right?
Right, Greg.
- Understand?
I think so.
- Good.
Don't think this incident
is distracting me, Focker.
I know
you're up to something
and I'm watching you.
Well, guess what?
I have eyes, too.
So, I'll be watching you,
watching me.
All right?
Fair enough.
So we just watch
each other, all right?
Okay, okay.
I'm watching you right now.
Domsey's Bakery.
How can I help you?
Hello, yes, do you still
have the pineapple
upside-down cake?
Yes, we do.
Would you like chocolate
or vanilla frosting?
Neither. I'm only
interested in merengue.
Please give me
your access code
and releasing ID.
This is Santa.
Releasing ID 7726548.
I need all-source,
derogatory only,
on a person
named Andi Garcia.
Alpha November
Delta Indigo...
Santa, your clearances
haven't been active
for 12 years.
Now, you listen to me,
Young Turk.
I was bugging
Ho Chi Minh's sock drawer
while you were
still in diapers,
so don't tell me
about clearances.
Sir, my hands are tied.
But, I mean,
you could probably
just google the subject
and find out everything
you need to know.
Then I'll do that.
Santa out.
Oh, honey, I can't wait
to see Kevin's timeshare
later today, huh?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
What you doing?
Oh, just checking
the weather.
There's a cold front
coming in.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, how you doing?
Sorry, I'm late.
Hi, honey.
A little emergency
at the hospital.
Kevin was showing us
his magnificent estate.
It's really nice.
So this is where
you rough it
when you're not at
the homeless shelter?
Kind of split time
between the two.
Maybe 60l40 here.
Now that Greg's
finally arrived,
why don't I take you over
to see the meadow?
Yeah, this is perfect.
Oh, this is impressive.
- Wow, nice backyard.
- Yeah, love it.
- Wow, it is.
Thank you.
Let's reserve that
quadrant over there, Kevin.
It's perfect for
the three-legged race,
egg toss,
capture-the-flag game.
Why don't we put up
a ring of bouncy castles
right out there
and we have, like,
a relay race for the kids
kind of intertwined
in between them.
Loving it, Kev-O.
Kevin, is that
a tattoo on your back?
Oh, yes, it is, Dina.
It looks really elaborate.
Could we take a look at it?
Oh, sure.
- Mom.
Well, it's a curiosity.
My gosh.
Is that Pam?
Yeah, it is.
You know,
after the whole
Svetlana episode,
I went on a little bit of
a drunken bender
and wound up in
a tattoo shop in Moscow.
And I asked
the artist to ink me
with the image
of the one woman
who's always loved me
My grandmother.
The point being,
in my drunken stupor,
I must have handed him
a photo of Pam instead.
You carry a picture
of Pam in your wallet.
I do. I carry pictures
of many treasured friends
and loved ones
on my travels.
Got a picture of me?
Of course I got
a picture of you.
You recognize this
mensch right here?
Ah. There I am. Kind of.
There you are, yeah.
This is actually
a very flattering portrait
of you, Pam-cake.
Excuse me.
Prudence? Yes! Hello!
Yeah, hold on, honey.
I don't...
Terrific. Okay,
yes, thanks, Pru.
That was Prudence
and she says if you
get to E.H.S. by 3:00,
she can squeeze you in
for an interview.
All right,
that's great!
Way to go, Kev-O.
- Thank you, Kevin.
- Good job.
So great you two
could join us.
Really wonderful
when grandparents
play an integral role
in early humans' lives.
We love them.
Early humans
do need guidance.
Is that your role, Jack?
To guide them?
Yes, I see myself
as something of a shepherd,
guiding our family
through life's pastures.
Yes, I would say
Jack is sort of
an honorary shepherd.
Kind of a shepherd
emeritus, if you will.
Well, when my sheep wander,
I use my prod to keep
my flock in line.
Oh, there are a lot
of family dynamics
at play here.
Why don't we begin
the interview process?
Okay, Henry,
I just want you
to clear your mind
and draw a picture for me
of the first thing
that comes to mind
when you hear
the word "family."
This is just like being
at the eye doctor.
Start at the top
and work your way down.
Why would she
give her an eye test?
It's called
a Heisenreich Experiment.
We used it
at the agency to test
the aptitude of
potential recruits.
All the letters are the same,
so it's not really
an eye test.
Very impressive
cognition, Samantha.
E... E...
E? I need to start over.
Okay, Henry,
let's see what
you've chosen to draw.
What is it?
What did he draw?
Dad stuck Grandpa Jack
in the wee-wee last night.
Because he's old.
I'm sorry?
What did he say?
I didn't hear him.
Something about
Grandpa Jack having a cold.
So tell me about
your parents, Samantha.
Tell me about
your parents, Prudence.
That's my girl.
Wanna tell me
about your family?
My dad is a great guy.
Thank you, buddy.
But Grandpa Jack makes him
really, really scared.
So he acts all crazy
when he's with him.
Like he tried
to cut the turkey
with Grandpa's big knife
and he slipped
and he cut his finger.
And he was like, "Oh, shit!"
Oh, he's blowing
the interview.
She's setting him up to fail
with these questions.
I mean,
Sam's a better tester,
anyway, so...
Well, that's because
she takes after...
Takes after who, Jack?
Let's just say
I've done some
research on twins.
There's a theory that
in certain cases,
one twin gets
an extra chromosome
from the father,
while the other sibling
gets an extra chromosome
from the mother's side.
Sam might be
three quarters Byrnes,
whereas Henry
could very well have
a double dose
of Focker in him.
And what if he does?
My Grandpa Bernie
taught me this.
Pull my finger.
Double dose.
Let's go out to the courtyard
for some free play.
I mean, what is
"free-play test"?
How well they hang
on the monkey bars?
I don't think
you get it, Greg.
You know when
prison guards
learn the most
about their inmate
During rec time
in the yard.
I'm sure Prudence is
in her office right now
watching every move
these kids make.
Can I please go climb
that big rock wall?
Yeah, okay.
Just be careful,
buddy, all right?
All right.
Do you think
he can handle that?
What's the big deal?
I'm just not sure
you've instilled
the physical confidence
for him to shear
a face like that.
Jack, do me a favor.
Just let go of the reins
a little, okay?
I'll let go, Greg,
when you show me,
once and for all,
that you have
what it takes to lead.
I am in control
of my family, all right?
If I give Henry permission
to climb a wall,
he can climb a wall.
If he says
he wants to climb
the Empire State Building
and I say it's okay,
it's okay,
because I'm in charge.
All right?
I'm calling the plays now.
So you just got to step back
and accept the fact
that I have got this.
Oh, he is such
a brave boy, isn't he?
See, it's not so bad.
It's just a slight fracture.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, Henry,
are you doing all right?
Hey, I came
as soon as I heard.
Prudence told me
there was a little bit of
a kerfuffle over at E.H.S.
Oh, that's an understatement.
Thanks to Greg,
we can wave goodbye
to their educational future.
Oh, no, no.
Pru's a forgiving soul.
I think I can
patch things up.
In the meantime,
I got a little something
for Hank the Tank here.
Someone to
keep you company until
you're reunited with Arthur.
What is that?
Thanks, Papa Kev.
Papa Kev?
Yeah, old fraternity nickname.
I told Hank the Tank here
he could call me
by that handle.
You're not Hank the Tank.
Nobody calls him
Hank the Tank.
You wanna be Papa Greg?
No, I am Papa... I'm Greg.
I'm Greg, his papa.
So I don't need
to be Papa Greg.
I don't need to
put a little thing
in front of it.
Paging Nurse Focker.
Pam, we need to talk
for a minute.
Oh, okay. Mom?
Hey, Louis, what's up?
What up, dawg?
Hey, hottie at 2:00.
There's the superstar!
Hey, hi, hi.
Oh. Hello.
I have the raddest
news ever!
Really? Okay.
So our VP of marketing
heard how well you did
on your speech last night
and guess what?
He wants us to lead
the Pfosten convention
in Maui next month.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Honestly, I'm sorry.
I'm just a little
distracted right now
'cause my son just
broke his arm and...
Oh, poor baby.
Yeah, so...
You're a super dad.
No, I'm not a super dad.
It is so cute
how involved you are
with your kids.
No, no, no,
that's just what dads do.
It's not like a super...
Louis! What are you doing?
Is this the book?
What is...
No, go. Come on.
In the back, right?
I got them.
Sorry, it's just...
Somebody's grumpy.
I'm gonna make this
brief, Pam-cake.
I'm not getting
any younger.
No, I want to make sure
there's someone around
besides me who you can
fully count on.
I couldn't help but notice
how you and Kevin
have reconnected
these past few days.
He's financially secure.
He's great with the twins.
Got a heart of gold.
He's a little goofy,
maybe, in his dressing,
but if that body art
is any indication,
I'd say he's certainly
open to the idea.
What idea?
The idea of a simple
course correction.
A course correction.
Greg, Kevin.
Come on, grumpy daddy!
Come to Hawaii.
Okay, grumpy daddy
will think about it.
Okay, okay.
Oh! Hey, honey, hi!
Perfect. Pam, this is Andi.
Andi, this is Pam, my wife.
Hi, it's a...
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
It's a pleasure
to meet you, too.
Your husband
is a freaking rock star,
but I'm sure you know
how lucky you are.
I'm not.
She's the rock star.
She's a rock star mom
and just full-on,
rocking person.
And I'm just a groupie
trying to, you know,
carry her amps.
No, you're... You're...
You're the man.
all right here?
Yeah, Jack,
everything's all right.
Pam, do you wanna...
Oh, my God.
You must be
the famous Jack Byrnes.
Wow. I have heard
so much about you.
I've heard very little
about you, Miss Garcia.
But I do admire
your cheerleading
Henry's doing much better.
We were just singing
an ancient Yanomamo song
about a brave warrior
who falls from a tree
while hunting
for chimpanzee meat.
He's good. Yeah.
Andi Garcia.
Pfosten Pharmaceuticals.
And you're Doctor...
No. He's not a doctor.
Not in the Western
sense of the word.
Not in any sense of the word.
You're an investment banker.
Many hats. Kevin.
Okay, cool.
Well, I'm gonna
mosey on out of here.
All right.
Wow, you told me she sold
boner medicine, Greg.
You didn't tell me
she is boner medicine.
Pam, that's ridiculous.
You also said
you wouldn't pick her out
of a lineup, too.
Wouldn't pick her
out of a lineup?
Greg, that woman
is stunning!
Oh, he's covering, Kevin,
'cause he didn't want
Pam to get suspicious.
Did you see the way
his carotid artery
throbbed when
he looked at her?
Give me a break, Jack.
Come on.
Now this is what
I'm talking about, Pam.
I'm sorry,
but this man
cannot be trusted.
Could you
for once in your life
stay out of my marriage?
Greg, come on,
don't get hysterical.
I'm not getting hysterical.
He's getting hysterical.
Look, it's natural
to get a little tempted.
Nobody's tempted, nobody's...
Look, even our dear friend,
the Buddha,
had to pass through
some sorrow
on his way to enlightenment.
Our dear friend,
the Buddha?
How's he doing?
It's been so long.
Do you ever
listen to yourself?
I try not to.
I speak from the heart,
off the cuff,
like my man, JC,
at the Sermon on the Mount.
I think that's what
you've always
admired about me.
Well, I got news for you.
You're not Jesus.
Well, he may not be Jesus,
but he's a far better
choice for Pam
than you are, Greg.
I'm sorry.
Would you stop
with the
course-correction stuff?
No, that's right...
What's the
course-correction stuff?
It's nothing.
I want to hear
all about it, Jack.
You're leading this family
onto rocky shoals, Focker,
and as captain
of the ship,
I'm steering us away
to safety.
Well, you know what?
You're not a ship's
captain, Jack.
We're people.
We're not on a boat,
we're in a hospital. Okay?
We're human beings
in a hospital
and you're not the captain.
Well, I may not be
the captain,
Gregory Focker,
but you're not
the Godfocker!
Good. 'Cause
I don't want to be
the stupid Godfocker.
I'm the Greg Focker, Jack!
All right? I am Greg Focker!
And by the way,
Dr. Bob told me you offered
him the job first.
Nice to know I was
your sloppy seconds.
You spoke to Dr. Bob?
Yeah, I did, Jack.
Had beers with him
last night.
He's in town
for a convention.
That's it. You're done.
You're done,
it's over, that's it.
You know what?
You can't tell me I'm done
because I already quit.
You're done.
I'm getting off the wheel.
What wheel?
The wheel!
The little hamster wheel
that we're all running up
to get a little taste
of your little water thingy!
Just, please,
approval! Approval!
What the hell
are you doing?
Please! Give me some
of the Jack... Yeah.
It's like a metaphor
for your approval...
Thank you for
clearing that up!
What are you even
doing here, Kevin?
I'm trying to help.
Why don't you get on
your stupid monster yacht
with your bubble-butt
Russian girlfriend
and do Jell-O shots
off of Deepak Chopra's butt?
Greg, don't drag Deepak
into this. Please, Greg.
Hey, Dina. Jack had
a heart attack two weeks ago.
Adios, folks!
Going down.
You okay?
Need a ride?
Hey, it's Pam.
Leave me a message.
Hey, I'm gonna
sleep over
at the new house tonight,
all right?
I just can't deal
with your dad right now.
Are you sure
you're gonna be okay?
Yeah, I think I just
need to clear my head.
Thanks for the ride.
No problem.
Why am I the bad guy here?
Greg was the one
who was being dishonest.
Oh, please. All Greg
did was downplay
that woman's looks,
so Pam wouldn't be jealous,
and you know it.
You know you did
the same thing
with that gorgeous
double agent in Helsinki
during the Cold War.
Oh, you're still bringing up
Aatukka Kokkonen.
I told you her beauty
was privileged information.
It was a matter of
national security.
Oh, yes.
Like your heart condition?
Listen, Jack.
Greg cares about his family
just as much as you care
about yours. All right?
Don't be mad. I totally
don't want to harass you.
You just seemed so sad,
I had to bring you
some treats.
Oh. Wow, thanks.
Some Chinese food.
Little wine.
No offense,
but does Pam
even realize
how dope you are?
Oh, yeah, no.
I think she thinks I'm dope.
It's just, you know,
it just changes
when you have kids,
you know, because
everything becomes
focused around them.
Totally. And I'm sure
you're like,
"Hello! Can I have
some fun, too?"
Yeah, no. I mean,
it's fun, but it's just
a different kind of fun.
More wine.
It's not like
old single fun,
where you go out.
It's more like wake up
in the morning at 6:00,
make the kids breakfast.
You know, that kind of fun.
I love it. I mean,
they're so cute.
Like, the other day,
Henry came in
and he had his little
top hat on and said,
"I'm the mayor
of the kitchen."
Oh, he's gonna be the mayor?
Just out of
nowhere he got this idea
he wanted to be the mayor.
And then he came in
and he said,
"And here is a proclamation.
You cannot use
the 'frigerator."
And he had a sash on.
I think I have
a picture of it.
Yeah. I mean, I'm biased,
but he's very creative.
I'm going to
step out for a bit
and get some milk
for the morning.
Don't, Jack. We both know
that's not true.
I don't know why
I still think I can
get anything by you.
I'm going to find Greg.
I'm going to bring him home.
You know where he is?
I have an idea.
And for the record,
nothing ever happened
with Aatukka Kokkonen.
And this is
the play that she wrote
called Tropical Seas.
They're so cute.
Yeah. They really are.
That's you!
Yes. I am
an algae-seaweed-type plant.
You know,
I got to go home.
Yeah, I totally get that.
Andi, Andi, no, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Andi, I think I gave you
the wrong idea. No...
Greg, ever since
we tag-teamed
on that enema,
I've wanted you.
It was just an enema.
Really, I think you're
idealizing the enema.
Andi, you know what,
I think you might have had
a little too much wine.
Wine is fine, papi!
I took a few Sustengo.
You took a Sustengo?
Why would you do that?
That's crazy.
I'm gonna call a cab.
Can I see more pictures
of your kids?
Definitely not. You can't...
You got to put
your thing back on.
Don't be a grumpy daddy!
I'm not being a grumpy...
You got to...
No, Andi!
Andi, give me the phone!
You want it?
I do want it.
Come and get it.
I want... I...
Andi, it's not funny.
Let's go swimming!
Andi, no,
it's not a pool.
Is it heated?
Is there a grotto?
No, no, it's a pit!
Andi, don't do this.
Come on!
Put your clothes
back on. All right?
Andi, no!
That's not nice!
You don't throw
people's phones
in pits, okay?
You're mean!
Andi, put the clothes
back on! Come on!
I hate you!
Belly flop!
You really don't know
where Greg is?
Honey, I struck out.
I guess my skills
just aren't what
they used to be.
Look who it is.
There they are!
Hey, Kevin!
Quite a shindig.
Well, you only
turn five once.
Or twice, in this case.
Now, I've got a little
surprise for you, Jack.
Is that who I think it is?
You'd better
believe it.
When I heard about
your health issues
last night,
I knew I had to
fly him out here.
Kevin, incredibly
thoughtful of you.
Thank you.
How come Daddy's not here?
Is it because
I was mean to him?
No, honey,
absolutely not, sweetheart.
It's because
Grandpa was mean to him.
But he's coming! He's coming.
He will be here, okay?
So, let's go
have some more fun.
All right? Let's go.
Let's go see
what else there is.
Just wait one sec!
What's that hole?
Why are you so muddy?
Where is everyone?
They're at Kevin's.
The party's over
at Kevin's.
I got to get over there.
The kids' party's at Kevin's?
I thought you were in Spain.
I was, but I can't miss
my little gazugas
turning five.
How are you?
Hey! Oh, man.
I'm so sorry.
I was so messed up
last night.
Who's that?
That is...
Dad, that's Andi Garcia.
She's a work
colleague of mine.
Oh, hi, Dad!
Yeah. She took
a few too many
prescription pills
and then she
pushed me in the pit.
Total party foul.
My bad on that one.
Garcia? Is that Spanish?
Okay, we got to go.
Yeah. My grandparents
are from Seville.
Are you kidding?
I was just in Seville,
mastering the flamenco!
No way!
What? But I got to
show her a few moves.
Her grandparents
are from Seville.
Dad, no, no!
Dad, I got to go!
Your dad's really good.
The faster you go indicates
an increase in sexual prowess.
Andi, good luck.
It's a good thing
you pulled me away.
I was starting to get a semi.
Oh, Dad, please.
It's involuntary.
It's the parasympathetic
nervous system.
Flamenco's very sexual.
Well, just so you know,
nothing happened with her.
I know that. We're Fockers.
That's not the way we roll.
But I know
something went down
with the family. You okay?
Yeah, just the usual
Jack stuff. You okay?
Your mom was right.
Man-opause. Makes me
act like a lunatic.
You know,
I get a little nutty.
Grandma Roz! Grandma Roz!
My God.
There she is!
My little scrunchie-munchie.
Let me look at you, baby.
Oh, you look so cute.
Do you mind if we
sit down, honey?
Have a little chat.
'Cause Grandma's feet hurt.
So, I hear
you're not speaking
to your father.
Is that true?
Well, let me
tell you something
about men, Samantha.
They... They...
They're told to be
tough and hard, you know?
But inside,
they're quite
soft and gooey.
Kind of like a cannoli.
A knish?
It's not exactly that.
It's more like
peanut butter and jelly
inside burnt toast.
And once you know that,
you can cut them
a little slack.
Besides, you'll have
plenty of time
to aggravate him
in your teens.
Hi, honey!
Look at you,
how big you got!
Hi, sweetheart.
Come here and give me
a Focker sandwich.
Okay, I'm the cheese.
We're cheese!
I'm the cheese.
No, I'm the cheese
and you're the bread.
We're sourdough.
Attention! Attention!
Henry and Samantha!
Today you are five!
This way.
Okay, thank you.
You coming?
Yeah. I just want
to practice the dance
I'm gonna surprise
your mother with.
Go ahead.
Okay. I'll see you
down there.
My two cents.
The way to deal with Jack,
no matter what he does,
just smother
that guy with kisses.
He'll be putty
in your hands.
Love, love, love.
Good, putty, thank you.
Oh, Gay.
You look good.
Thank you.
All right.
Can you do me a favor?
Can you just put
this leg down slowly?
It's an old sex injury.
Like this?
Oh, my gosh.
This performance
is my gift to you!
You are the chosen ones!
I pronounce
this your day!
Oh, what happened to you?
Oh, it's... I...
I'll tell you
about it later, okay?
Look, I'm really sorry
about what happened.
I just...
I'm sorry, too.
I let everything
get out of control
and I shouldn't have.
It's just...
It's just your dad.
You know, I...
I know. He's insane.
Yes. Yes.
Listen to me.
We've got our
own thing and it works.
It does, right?
Yeah, we actually
kind of know
what we're doing.
I love you.
I love you.
Hey, Sam! Happy birthday.
Look, I know
you don't want
to talk to me.
I just want you
to know that's okay.
I love you anyway.
I know, Daddy.
There he is!
Hey, happy birthday, man!
Hey, look,
I think you left
something at home.
Thanks, Dad.
It's so beautiful.
Oh, my God.
Oh, gosh.
I'm all right.
Birthday cake! Birthday cake!
Try the birthday cake.
There's 36 different kinds!
What a mitzvah that
you could make it
to the party.
What's wrong, honey?
I wish I knew.
Come. Sit down.
Look over this way
a little bit.
And a little up. Up.
Hey, Jack.
Wow, that's great.
That's a great likeness.
That's really...
It really captured
the intensity
and looks just like you.
All right.
So, look, last night,
I think we both said
some things we regret.
Maybe I shouldn't
have said anything
about Dr. Bob.
But then you did that
whole course-correction
thing. So...
"peace" of cake offering.
What the hell?
Oh, shit.
Jack, you all right?
Jack, I'm sorry.
Jack, you okay?
Okay, Focker.
At least you're going to
make this a little fun.
Jack. Let's not do this.
Come on.
We've had this date
since the beginning, Greg.
All right. Let's dance.
Come on, man.
Where are you? Jack!
Get out of the ball pit!
Get out of the ball pit!
Get out!
Let's go.
Get out!
Get out of the ball pit!
Get out!
I saw you last night
with Andi Garcia!
Nothing happened!
I've been in the wild
for so long,
that maybe
it's time to come home.
But then where is home?
Honey, home is
inside of you.
What you have been
seeking out there
is right in here.
In your heart?
No, in your heart.
In my heart.
Yes, yes, Kevin.
Suck it!
Arthur? Arthur?
Mom! Arthur's missing!
Jack! Nothing happened.
What'd you say?
Jack, nothing happened.
I'm telling you the truth.
Oh, shit.
Jinxy! Jinxy!
Bad cat! Bad cat!
Jinx! Bad cat!
Jinx! Jinx!
Oh, shit.
Kevin, you are
a lovely young man
with a number of unusual
fixations and hobbies.
Thank you.
I know you're
going to find your way.
Trust me, honey.
Because you have
the strength of a lion
and the soul of a poet.
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
The guy has
issues, honey.
Bernard, I swear this isn't
what it looks like.
Your wife was comforting me
in a moment of distress
and my soul just
reached out to her.
Your soul or your tongue?
No. There was
no tongue involved.
There was a little.
Thank you for your honesty.
I thought you were
in Spain, honey.
What happened?
What happened?
I went halfway around
the world to master
the flamenco,
but there was
one thing missing,
my dance partner.
Oh, Bernie.
You're my true north.
I know as long
as we're together,
I'll never get lost.
Oh, what a beautiful line.
Come here, baby.
That's beautiful.
So raw, this electricity...
Will you get out of here
so I can shtup my wife?
Shtup her? Yeah, sure.
Grandpa! Grandpa!
What's wrong?
Jack. Jack.
Honey. Greg, do something.
Okay. Having some
chest pain?
All right. Just relax.
I'm gonna check you out.
What's wrong with Grandpa?
He's gonna
be fine, honey.
Okay, I'm here. Okay.
Jack, you have your
nitro tabs with you?
Greg, he's not responding
to my treatment.
Really? To you waving
your hands over him?
He's not a Ouija board, Kevin.
Pam? Call 911.
can you go up to the house,
see if you have some aspirin?
It's all right.
Thanks, Dad.
Just relax, Jack.
It's going to be okay.
Breathe, breathe.
I promise.
Is he taking
any other medications?
Just the 324
milligrams of aspirin
I gave him about
Thank you, nurse.
You did good.
We'll take it from here.
By the way,
how'd you guys come by
all these bruises
and lacerations?
Oh, it's a long story.
We were in
the bouncy castle,
and then he tripped, and...
I get it.
My father-in-law tripped
through a plate glass window
at my wedding last year.
All right.
Let's get him loaded up.
Don't worry.
We'll take care
of your husband.
We're gonna follow
behind you in the car.
All right?
I know you were
telling the truth
about Andi, Greg.
The pulse on your
carotid artery
remained steady
as you pleaded
your innocence.
Right, of course.
And, Greg.
It was never going to be
Dr. Bob. It was you.
It was always you.
You just relax and
stay quiet, Mr. Byrnes.
I'll see you
over there. Okay?
Why is he cursing at us?
Hey, we are trying
to help you, sir.
What? What?
You're the Greg Focker.
I'm sorry, what?
You're the...
You're the Greg Focker.
I'm the Greg Focker.
Okay. Okay.
Let's get him up.
One more.
I need more. I need more.
One more, one more.
No, I need more.
Another present.
- Here.
Best Chistmakkah ever.
This is a very
special gift, guys.
One more, cool!
What is it,
Grandpa Bernie?
I've had it with me
my entire life.
It's my own original
whoopee cushion.
What does it do?
Are you kidding me?
Jack, lift up your leg.
Jack, come on.
It farts!
Jack, we have to
laugh at the stuff that
makes us human, right?
Gas, burps.
Picking noses?
You kids want to pick
your nose and flick
your boogers, do it.
Hey, Bernie.
But do it only
when it's dry.
Don't do a wet one.
I have something for Jack.
Take that to your room.
It's what makes life, life!
I know. I know.
Here, Jack,
this is a little something
from Bernie and me to you.
Oh, how thoughtful.
Thank you.
It is a very
thoughtful gift.
It was your idea.
I know.
What's this?
- What is that?
That is your own
personal yarmulke!
One of those
little Jewish hats.
We know
that you're into that
genealogy stuff.
So, when I was
nursing you back to health,
I took the opportunity,
when you were taking a nap,
of snipping
a couple of your pubes
and I sent it to one of
those DNA testing sites.
You did what?
We thought it'd be fun
to trace your lineage
all the way back.
And it turns out,
Jack T. Byrnes,
that you are
one twenty-third Israelite!
Welcome to the tribe, Jack!
While I dispute the findings,
I appreciate the gesture.
Thank you, Bernard, Roz.
You're welcome, Ya'akov.
Your Hebrew name.
Two A's.
Well, listen, Greg,
we're in your home
and you're in charge here,
so why don't you
lead us in a toast?
Honestly, Jack,
I have no desire
to try and sound like I am
in any way
in charge of anything
in this house.
But I do love our family
very, very much.
And I'm really happy
that we can all be here
together for the weekend.
Then we'll part ways
and you guys will
return to your homes
in your own
respective states.
Actually, sweetheart,
your dad and I
have a little...
Gaylord, we're moving
to Chicago.
No, we're serious.
We sold Focker Isle.
We just bought
the house two doors down.
Isn't that great?
No, that's not great.
Oh, no,
if they're moving here,
then we're moving here.
We'll live together,
one big happy family.
We should discuss this.
No. No. No. Jack,
nobody's moving because
nobody's moving. Right?
How else are the kids
gonna be Fockerized
if we don't live here?
No. Nobody's going
to be Fockerized.
Why not?
This Google is
a wonderful tool,
Jinxy cat.
Don't tell anyone,
but I'm going to do
a search on myself.
Come on. Who needs
something like this?
Who's the target demo
for a drug like Sustengo?
And I got to say
it's somebody like
my father-in-law.
His name is Jack Byrnes.
You know,
he had a heart attack
and he called me up,
he said, "Greg, I've had
a heart attack."
Now, I said,
"First of all, Jack,
"don't you have
to have a heart to
get one of those?"
First weekend I ever met him,
he said to me, he said,
"Hey, listen,
keep your snake in its cage
for the next 72 hours."
I didn't say it like that.
All right.
Maybe somebody's
had their snake
in their cage for
about 30 years! Okay.
Remix. What's a remix?
You know, the guy is
definitely obsessed...
Byrnes, Jack Byrnes
My father-in-law
My father-in-law
Byrnes, Jack Byrnes
Candidate for the drug
Obsessed with sex
Byrnes, Jack Byrnes
Not getting it up
Jack, Jack Byrnes
Talk about sexual frustration
Obsessed with boobs
He can breast
feed his grandson
Jack Byrnes
Mannary gland
Couple of tugs off
the thing himself
Hey, Focker
I never did that.
Hey, Focker, I got nipples
Hey, Focker, I got nipples
Can you milk me?
Circle of trust
goes round and round
Circle of trust
goes round and round
Circle of trust
goes round and round
Hot little number
he's got named Jinxy
Now, he's talking about you.
Hot little number
he's got named Jinxy
Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat
I love you
The Godfocker.