Little Women, Big Cars (2012) Movie Script

I'm thinking French tips.
Again? Oh, please.
Bake sale next week.
We're raising money
to fund a music special
and some new instruments.
So, what can I put you down for?
I'll make lava cookies.
Kids love my lava cookies.
Well, thank God. And Rocky?
Here's a 20. Knock yourself out.
The girl doesn't step foot
in a kitchen
unless it's for a remodel.
- Oh, did I tell you?
- What?
Dan wants bamboo for it now.
What? He doesn't like
the polished stone?
No, Rhiannon, she dropped
the glass and it shattered
and he's worried about the dog.
CONNIE: You didn't get
booties for the dog.
What about the dog?
Hey, Barb.
I'm in charge of next week's
Music Booster's Bake Sale.
So, um, wondering if you
wanna work a shift or bake.
Another bake sale?
Why can't they just do the math
and give us the total?
I'd gladly write the check
for the full amount
instead of being nickels
and dimed to death all year.
First, it's bake sale.
Then it's gift wrapping
All the auctions
and the raffles.
Wrapping up crap we don't need
and selling it back
to ourselves.
Aren't you tired, Meg?
Doesn't it make you angry?
Why can't we all just write
a check and be done with it?
I'm a lawyer,
not Betty effing Crocker.
You back on the caffeine, Barb?
Donut holes.
Put me down for donut holes.
We have got to get
that girl laid.
Oh, Meg.
We've got mani and pedis at 4.
Can you take Ronnie
and Rhiannon to practice today?
No problem.
I gotta drag Kaitlyn anyway.
So, what's two more?
Exactly. We'll text him,
tell him to look for your car.
- Bags. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Unh, there you go.
Unh, there you go.
- That wasn't big.
- Yeah.
Sigh, I can't believe
you talked me into this.
Oh, Barb, trust me.
Kaitlyn loves it.
Chelsea's gonna love it.
I didn't go to Mount Holyoke
to be a soccer mom.
Neither did I.
Chelsea, just buckle it.
These kids are adults, Meg.
Remember when we were kids,
just give us
an empty refrigerator box
and we'll play it for weeks.
Try it on the other arm.
MEG: Yeah, and
walked a mile to school,
and back then, tomatoes
tasted like tomatoes.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Barb, that's shin guard.
Oh, Chelsea, put it on your leg.
This team is
two days of practice
and one scrimmage a week.
But where will it end, Meg?
It only escalates, you know?
You can carpool.
It's not about the driving.
It's about the principle.
All this subtle pressure
to keep you in your big car
so you don't notice
you don't have a real job.
Raising kids is a real job.
Then where is your paycheck?
It's not always about money.
Yeah, raising a whole generation
of over-scheduled bull sharks.
Have to keep them moving
at every minute or they'll die.
You just don't wanna sit
in the sun.
I think Chelsea needs
more downtime.
And, yes, I do hate sports.
I hate watching them
and I hate playing them.
Yeah, well, why don't you
just pull off the team then?
Chelsea, get out on that field.
- Kick it!
- You guys are awesome.
I'm a soccer mom.
I talked to Barbara
into going to soccer practice
with me today.
Oh, God, don't you think
she and AJ
are gonna be a cute couple?
Well, they're both divorced
and they both live here
and they're both mammals.
Never mind.
You might wanna ease up
on the matchmaking, Meg.
If you screw things up, we can't
sell the house and move.
I just got tenure.
Forget I said anything.
Not that you care
but I finished all those posters
for the auction.
All I have to do
is fill up the baskets.
Didn't you do this last year?
Yeah, and probably do it
the next year and the next year
and every other year
until Emily graduates.
Emily's only 4.
You gotta learn to say no, Meg.
Well, somebody has gotta do it.
It's not exactly
like I'm working.
It's exactly like
you're working.
Only you don't get paid
and you don't get days off.
Yeah, I should take that up
with the Union.
Seriously, Meg, you do too much.
Thanks, honey.
Hey, can you handle pickup
for me today?
Next time we have kids,
I'm the daddy.
I gotta get these term papers
graded, Meg.
And I'm waiting
for a phone call.
Oh, you got a phone call.
Okay, that's fine.
Why don't I do pickup then?
Why should today
be any different
than every other stupid day
in my stupid life.
Hey, did we buy that
at last year's auction?
Yeah, this year
we're donating it.
Well, we're not buying it again.
Meg, hi. Look, I am sorry.
I know how busy you are.
Uh, no, you don't. Ha-ha-ha.
How's the auction coming?
- Is it under control?
- Oh, barely.
I mean,
I've finished all the signs--
please come to the office.
Great, great. You are the best.
Hang on.
Look, uh, after you got
the auction wrapped up,
I was hoping you could run
the yearbook committee for me.
Um, can't you get a fifth grade
mom to do that for you?
I wouldn't come to you
if there's anyone
half as qualified, Meg.
I'm flattered
but, um, Kaitlyn's
only in first grade
so I'd be doing it
for five years.
- It's a lot to ask, isn't it?
- Oh.
Yeah, because I'm already doing
Emily's nursery school yearbook.
And then I've got
my brownie troop
and I'm doing psych counsel--
Mr. Larry.
And I'm the room mom.
And then in November,
Art Dozen starts.
I know you're not
gonna let me down, Meg.
No, I don't wanna let you down,
Mr. Hughes.
- It's Larry.
- Larry, I just think--
You don't have to decide today.
Oh, the thing is--
Mr. Larry--
Come on...
- Move it!
- Oh!
Kick it!
Rhiannon, pull up your socks!
You know,
it comes so naturally to me
that it almost makes sense
that I do it.
Just because something
comes naturally to you
doesn't mean
you have to do it, Meg.
Yeah, you don't see me
doing hair in the parking lot.
Although I can make
every single one
of those little girls look good.
That's it. Grab with your hands.
I didn't use to like
coming to practice.
I'd drop him off
and pick him up but, oh...
- Oh, he is delicious.
- Right?
I love watching him run away.
Who? AJ?
Of course, AJ.
- The man with the golden ass.
- Oh.
Not to mention those abs. Oh.
I wanna lick ice cream
off those abs.
You'd lick ice cream
off pavements.
Hey, Sam doesn't have
six-pack abs, okay?
He got more of a keg.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Barbara.
- What are you doing here?
- Chelsea's joining the team.
Oh, good for Barbara, right?
Oh, have you met AJ?
Oh, we gotta introduce her
to AJ.
Oh, yeah. He's single.
You gotta meet him.
and he won't be single long.
You gotta strike
while the iron man is hot.
- Ha, ha.
- Did you plan this?
- Maybe.
- Oh.
This is exciting.
Pass me the ball.
- My favorite soccer mom.
- Hey.
So did you see Kaitlyn
dribble down field
and ram-run her
back of the neck?
Oh, yes, I did, AJ,
my favorite soccer coach.
Aren't you gonna introduce me
to your friend?
This is Chelsea's mom, Barbara.
Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
- Hi. How are you?
- Hi.
Chelsea needs some work
on her passing skills.
Maybe you can have
her dad be in here
and practice with her
a little bit?
Sadly, Chelsea's dad does not
need work on his passing skills.
They're divorced.
A lot of that going around, huh?
Well, I'll work with her
on passing.
Nice meeting you.
- It's AJ.
- AJ.
Oh, my God.
He likes you.
What are you talking about?
He just told me
my daughter can't pass.
Well, he can and he just did.
- And you just missed it.
- Get out.
What? Oh, Connie,
tell her I'm not crazy.
Oh, yeah, he likes you.
He's gonna ask you out.
- Uh-huh.
- What is this, high school?
- Meg, tell them.
- No, it's not high school.
Because in high school,
my soccer coach was a nun.
Drop the ball.
Come on, you're doing great.
So Barbara was at soccer
practice again today.
I know you had told me
to butt out
but I introduced her to AJ,
You should have seen her.
She was so awkward and shy.
- Maybe it was too soon.
- Uh-huh.
And the minute
I saw them together,
it doesn't feel right anymore
because he's so, I don't know.
- And she's so not, you know.
- Mm-hm.
To you,
I just sound like a parent
in a Peanutscartoon,
don't I, honey?
Mwa, mwa, mwa.
You know,
I have a theory that, um,
men who at least pretend
to be listening to their wives
get laid a lot more often
than men who just lie there.
BARB: And so, I'll do
Discovery Zone on Saturday
and you'll do Chuck E. Cheese
on Sunday.
Okay-- No, wait. Switch.
Because Emily's got that
ice skating thing on Sunday,
so I'll do DZ and then
Chelsea can sleep over...
ROCKY: I wanna tell.
CONNIE: You always tell.
Remember when our calendars
are full of days for us?
- No.
- Ha, ha.
Okay. So rocking up
the scoop about AJ's ex.
- Hmm?
- What scoop?
Name's Dorothy. Nickname, Doro.
You've seen her
at soccer practice.
The crazy brunette
who drives the Prius.
She reminds me of you, Barbara.
Only younger and hotter
and with a different head.
Is she dating yet? We don't
wanna rub her nose in it.
Well, my sources say, she was
dating during the marriage.
How good are your sources?
Pretty good. The wife
of the guy she was dating.
- Okay, so we hate her.
- Pretty much.
What are you two doing?
Well, you can't date a guy in a
circle without getting the dirt.
- What circle?
- The parking lot.
The school, the team.
Let's say, it doesn't go well,
it could reflect
on Chelsea's field time.
AJ wouldn't do that, would he?
you gotta consider AJ's ex.
I mean, if he dates too soon
or too close to home,
there could be retribution,
you know?
Like peeing in your own pool.
You're insane.
She's not even dating him yet.
- Meg?
- No, Barb, I'm on your side.
Meg, Barb's a single woman
in the 'burbs.
Who else is she gonna meet?
- No offense.
- None taken.
So, what do I do?
You just show up,
you hang around,
you'll look good.
He'll do the rest. Trust us.
You really think
I can manipulate AJ like that?
Oh, honey. You can manipulate
anyone with a Y-chromosome.
All you need is two Xs
and a WonderBra.
- Right?
- Right.
You should have seen
Connie and Rocky today.
They are so over-involved
in Barbara's love life.
It's like they're obsessed
or something.
Pot calling kettle.
Oh, no. I have a very full life.
You have a very full kitchen.
Promise me you are not
gonna take on the yearbook
after the auction, Meg.
I want my house back.
I want my wife back.
Sorry, Woody. Duty calls.
Which reminds me, I have
a psych counsel meeting tonight.
We're voting for extending
funding on the GATE program.
Gifted and Talented Enrichment.
They test in a few weeks.
Of course, Kaitlyn is a shoo-in.
I mean,
just look at her parents.
- Professor.
- And a super woman.
Wait, they start testing for
gifted programs in first grade?
I thought that kind of thing
started in middle school.
- Ooh, not in this district.
- Oh, I forgot.
All the kids in this town
are gifted.
Yeah, of course they are.
And the ones who aren't have
parents who think they are.
Oh, my God. It's gonna be
such a nightmare.
I mean,
Larry hates this time of year
because as much as they try
to keep it confidential
and kind of low-key,
it just gets nuts.
Yeah, parents
are so competitive.
I don't remember my parents
acting this way.
Are you kidding me?
They still have your SATs
taped to their fridge.
Energy up! Energy up!
Rhiannon, no! Not in your mouth.
Okay, now, remember.
Eye contact.
It's all in the eyes.
Oh, yeah.
Men care about the eyes.
That's one.
Women are always getting
their eyes made bigger.
Work the cleavage, okay?
- Barbara!
- Mm.
- Yeah, go on.
- Right.
- Barbara, hi.
- Hi.
Listen, uh, Barbara,
um, Chelsea's been doing great.
You guys, uh,
have been practicing?
Yeah, we've both been, um,
working on receiving passes.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
Well, maybe we can get together
and talk about it.
Oh, I don't know.
I wouldn't wanna upset
the dynamic of the team
and I don't want things
to be awkward for you
if your daughter's wife shows up
to one of the games
and I might look like her
or not.
Dating is like peeing
in your own pool.
So, no. Yeah, no.
You've been giving it
a lot of thought.
Well, technically,
I didn't say date.
I just said
let's get together and...
Yeah, we would get together
Friday night and...
No kids, no date.
Just talking.
Okay. It's a date.
All right.
Come on, girls! Let's go!
You know, I could never do
a guy with a body that great.
They're independent lovers.
They spend the entire time
trying to catch
a glimpse of themselves
in the mirror
instead of thinking
about your pleasure.
They're worried about how they
look in that position, you know.
Rocky, how would you know
how someone with a great body
would act in bed?
Stan doesn't have a great body.
I have a great body.
Well, I do.
If we were divorced,
would you date me?
No, because if we were divorced,
there would have to be a reason.
While I can't think of one,
I suspect it would have
something to do with you, so no.
No, pretend you married
someone else
and you got divorced
and you saw me, let's say,
on a soccer field or somewhere,
like, would you ask me out?
- Now I see where this is going.
- Or Connie.
- Mm, too high-maintenance.
- Or Rocky.
High-maintenance, low depth.
- Barbara?
- Too neurotic.
- What? More than me?
- Usually.
Are you jealous
Barb's dating again?
Mm, a little.
We can date again.
Hey, put out the right singles,
we can date other people.
People do that, you know.
Right. Cheat, yeah.
I couldn't.
You know,
I got the raffle and laundry
and nursery school yearbook.
I really don't even have time
to shave my legs.
You shave your legs?
Yeah, I shave my legs.
But with you, I could
get away with knee socks.
You know, if I had an affair,
I'd probably wanna do
a little more maintenance.
I haven't dated in ten years.
No, you never forget
how dating is like
falling off a bike.
I only married Richard
so I never had to date again.
Barb, that's why
everybody gets married.
What if I'm only going out
with AJ
because I'm physically
attracted to him?
Yeah, congratulations.
That's the idea.
What do I wear?
You got nothing?
- We're hitting the mall.
- Oh.
Oh, good.
I haven't been there today.
- I don't like shopping.
- No.
why don't you wanna go with us?
Is it the money?
Because I got a solution
for that, sweetie.
You buy it, you charge it,
and then you sneak it
into the house.
Or you can hide it in the mines.
So when Stan asks me,
"Is that new?"
I just say no,
and then I do the bills
and he doesn't have a clue.
- Exactly.
- Rocky.
- Yeah?
- I'm divorced.
So who am I hiding
the bags from?
I pay my own bills
with my own money that I earn.
I earn my own money too.
It's not a picnic
being married to Stan.
Oh, how about this?
I will loan you a dress.
Oh, yes!
Let Connie and I make you over.
You won't even
recognize yourself.
Oh, I kind of like
to recognize myself.
Ha-ha-ha. Oh, now that's funny.
- That is.
- Yeah.
You won't do too much?
Oh, Barb, honey, come on.
It's okay. Trust us.
There's no such thing
as too much.
Barb? Are you in there?
Unh, I was playing dress up
with Rocky and Connie.
They won. I lost.
- Where's Meg?
- In the bedroom.
I told AJ to pick me up here.
I hope she could do
a make-under.
It's not that bad
once you get used to it.
Here's Chelsea's stuff.
Got a sandblaster, Woody?
Uh, no. Maybe
the restaurant will be dark.
Well, wish me luck.
It's my first date in 12 years.
You'd never know.
You look like a professional.
Whew. I can't wear this, can I?
Not in public, no.
With Connie's?
Can I borrow the one you wore
to that thing that time?
I didn't tell Chelsea
I was going on a date.
She just thinks she's having
a sleepover with Kaitlyn
and I'm only...
Oh, they're on their
second video by now.
By the time AJ gets here,
they're gonna be ready for bed.
After a couple of drinks,
I might be too.
Woody. Hi.
This is just really so weird.
Have her home by 11, young man.
- What?
- Nothing.
I was just...
Uh, flashing forward
and flashing back.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Is Barb ready?
I'll check. Yeah.
Don't talk about the divorce.
Don't talk about the kids.
Don't talk about your ex.
Well, what else is there?
My menstrual cycle?
Okay. Just give me a second.
AJ's here.
Yeah, I can see that from here.
- Hi. Ha, ha.
- Hi.
- You're looking good.
- Oh.
Thank you so much
for doing this for Barb.
- So much, thank you.
- No problem.
I wish it was you.
Woody, I think AJ hit on me.
- No, he didn't.
- You weren't here.
- He wouldn't do that.
- Thanks a lot.
- That's not what I meant.
- I know exactly what you meant.
I meant,
AJ's dating your best friend.
Why would he do
something like that?
You think I'm making it up.
I think you might be blowing
things out of proportion.
- Fine.
- What do you want me to say?
"I'll beat him up.
I'll punch his lights out."
- Yeah, stuff like that.
- Fine.
Because I'm not just some
bored, boring housewife
that has to invent drama
to make it through her day.
I never said you were.
And I am not jealous of Barbara
because she's at
some fabulous restaurant
having dinner
while we babysit her kid.
Good, because I would be sad
and there would be nothing I
could do to make you feel better
except point out
that you're married to a man
who loves you no matter
how nutty you are.
He did say something, Woody.
- Ha, ha, exactly, and I'm in...
- Ha-ha-ha.
Well, um,
I handle family law, mostly.
Custody, mediation,
that sort of thing.
Why did you get divorced?
Wow, yeah, um...
Well, I thought, since
my husband had left our house
and was screwing other women,
it was probably time to let go.
But why?
Have you thought about it?
Beyond blaming him?
- Mm-hm.
- No.
The problem was that he ditched.
No closer?
You mean, did I do something
to make him leave?
No fair. It's our first date.
You can't let all our baggage
out just like that.
Well, I just wanna see if we're
gonna make the same mistakes.
Uh, well, we probably are.
You're nothing like Doro.
Is that a good thing
or a bad thing?
It's a good thing.
We could be saving
a lot of time.
I have got a lot of time.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
So how was the movie?
Uh, the movie was better
than I thought it would be.
And how was the leading lady?
She was a little over her head.
But I don't think anyone
So, what was it like,
rated, this movie?
Uh, PG-13.
Not even an R?
No. No.
No, no.
Do you think
there would be a sequel?
Uh, I think a sequel
would do really well.
Are you gonna tell Chelsea
about the movie and...?
Uh, I don't think so. Not yet.
Maybe later. Much later.
So you think the movie
will still be playing?
Too soon to tell.
Maybe I'll buy the DVD.
Or you might wanna
just rent the movie.
Why do you need to know
the details of my love life?
Because we don't have
love lives. We have husbands.
Uh, not that we would
change places with you
because God knows
we have everything
we could possibly need.
Please tell.
All right, but I'm not really
the kiss-and-tell type.
I'm more of
the don't kiss-don't tell type.
Come on, it's like
playing real life Barbie.
- Just do it.
- Yeah.
All right, at the restaurant,
under the table,
my knee touched his
and it was electrifying.
You go out with AJ
and all you do is knock knees?
We weren't knocking knees.
You make it sound so lame.
My point is,
whenever we touched,
even by accident,
this sensation sent a shock wave
through my entire body.
Ah, oh, you remember that,
The first touch, that tingle?
Oh, better than sex.
You must be doing
something wrong
that knocking knees
is better than sex, all right.
This from a woman
who'd rather go celibate
than give up cherry cheesecakes.
Have you tried
my cherry cheesecake?
I feel so proud
since I got a bitter little
duckling turn into a swan.
BARB: Thank you, Rocky.
ROCKY: I told you'd bank up.
Heads up.
- Oh!
- Here he comes.
- Whatever he does--
- Hi.
AJ: Girls, come on.
Go after the ball.
- Hi, girls.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, uh, busy Friday?
I am now.
- Eight-ish?
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
That was so fabulous.
I need a drink.
- Oh.
- Ha-ha-ha.
And with one minute left...
- What?
- I'm just knocking knees.
- Why?
- No reason.
You, uh, you do me now.
No. Nothing.
- What's supposed to happen?
- Electricity.
Did you talk to Larry
about the yearbook yet?
There you go.
Just say no, like that,
only no knees.
I'll talk to him.
Just turn him down flat, Meg.
It's not gonna go in
your permanent record.
You already got in
the college of your choice.
Oh, you-- All right.
I don't work at the school
for me.
I work at the school
for the kids
so they know how much
I value their education.
Ha-ha-ha. Come on.
You work there so Larry
knows you and owes you
and our kids get
the best teachers.
Wha--? I don't try
to manipulate Larry like that.
You sewed him a tie.
It took ten minutes.
You'd do anything he asks.
No, I don't.
- Since when?
- Since tomorrow.
So while Barbara
was getting ready,
AJ hit on me.
No. Why didn't you tell us
this right away?
Yeah, you know we live
for this kind of gossip.
Ugh, I didn't wanna be
a drama queen.
So, what did he say?
Well, he said he'd rather be
dating me than Barbara.
So, what did you say?
What could I say?
I was so shocked.
What could she say?
She was in shock.
Oh, my God.
What are you gonna do?
Are you gonna tell Barbara?
Do you want me to tell Barbara.
- Someone should tell Barbara.
- Yeah.
You know, men are intimidated
to hit on me.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They're intimidated.
Oh, seriously.
Men don't hit on me because
they know I'm married to Sam.
And everyone knows Sam doesn't
tolerate that kind of thing.
Yeah. Well, Stan likes it
when guys try to pick me up.
- Get out.
- Yeah, absolutely.
Because at the end of the night,
he knows
I'm going home with him.
You know what they say.
- "Little feet, a big wallet."
- Ha, ha.
Oh, it's Larry.
Do not tell him I'm here.
It's a false alarm.
You can't hide from him forever.
You practically live here.
Yeah, just talk to him already.
You know, be direct,
like me and Connie.
Don't think so much.
Well, I'm not as direct
as you two.
- You are.
- Now look.
The thing is, I know what I want
and what I don't want.
Like right now,
I want another cupcake.
That's not gonna happen.
Oh, hey!
- Hey, um...
- Hey.
Barb, I, uh, inadvertently
found out something
about AJ that I...
I just think you need to know.
Well, he might be...
Well, interested
in someone else.
You know, I just...
I cannot stand by and watch
what happened with Richard
happen again.
- Who?
- Who, what?
Who's he interested in?
Oh, you sure
you really wanna know?
Because I don't think
you really need to know.
You don't think I need to know?
Well, you probably
do need to know
that the woman
that he's interested in
would never ever
do anything about it.
Oh, wait a second.
You think AJ's interested
in you.
Okay, to be honest, Barb,
yeah, he, um...
He did say some things to me.
Yeah, he's a flirt, Meg,
just like you.
Um, you think I'm a flirt?
Why haven't you told me
that before?
I never had a boyfriend before.
Oh, my God.
Did I flirt with Richard?
Yeah, but I didn't care.
I mean, it was Richard.
I figured
it was charity flirting.
Yeah, I am so sorry with...
What would you like me to do?
I don't know,
act a little less nice
and a lot less cute.
Less unnecessary touching,
less bluffing, less everything.
I can do that.
Um, and what about AJ?
I'll handle AJ.
Oh, the... Right.
- Hey, Meg.
- Oh, AJ.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
No. I...
Do you have a second?
For you, Meg,
I got a whole minute.
Oh, see that? That thing you do?
"For you, Meg,
I got a whole minute."
You know what I mean.
Not a clue.
What you said the other night,
I was very flattered
by your attention, AJ,
but I just, I don't really
think, um, can go any further.
I'm still not with you.
- Sorry, Meg.
- Oh, and that, see?
That right there, okay.
No. So here's the thing, AJ,
you're dating my best friend.
I don't want people
getting hurt.
What people?
You know what people.
Honestly, Meg, I don't know
what you're talking about.
- I didn't mean to hurt--
- No. Oh, I know that.
I just want you to know I know.
But now that Barbara knows too,
I think that then we just
have to say no, you know?
- No.
- Exactly.
Take it easy.
Oh, Meg.
I thought you were avoiding me.
I was.
Um, I'm gonna have to turn down
your offer to run the yearbook.
Oh, nothing I can do
to change your mind?
Okay, well, I'll just have
to get someone else to make do.
- You can do that?
- I guess I'll have to, won't I?
Right, I can't tell you
how difficult it is
for me to turn down
an offer like this.
I really don't like
letting people down.
I'm such a perfectionist and,
you know...
I guess, what you call,
uh, people pleaser.
There. I said it.
But I have just been
spreading myself so thin
and, um, I really haven't had
time for my own kids
or my husband or me.
So I'm just gonna have
to say no, you know?
- Can I call on you again?
- Anytime.
Oh, God.
It was incredible, Woody.
I mean, the power
of that tiny little word.
It's just two letters,
one syllable: "No."
"No" is a complete thought.
It was amazing. I didn't even
need to use an explanation.
It was just no, you know?
And I was off the hook.
Wow, it really is the most
powerful new weapon
in my arsenal, N-O, no.
Oh, my God. You were absolutely
right about everything, honey.
You're absolutely right.
I can't wait to say it again.
- I'm happy for you, honey.
- Thank you.
You're not gonna use it now.
- No.
- Good.
- Can I help you?
- You're Barbara, right?
Guilty as charged.
- You're a lawyer?
- I am.
When I'm not a chauffeur.
Ha, ha.
Do you know who I am?
You're Doro.
- Dorothy.
- I heard it was Doro.
My friends call me Doro.
Well, I don't really
know exactly
the circumstances
of your marriage
and your exact circumstances.
I do know that it must be
awkward for you
to see me everywhere
you go, knowing, uh...
Well, knowing about... You know.
Your daughter's on the team now.
Is that official?
Yeah, yeah, that's how
I met your husband, AJ.
I mean, your ex-husband.
He's wonderful.
I mean, you must know that,
even if you see things
differently now.
Maybe you used to.
I mean, you must know what...
Oh, God.
If your daughter's on the team,
then you need to bring snacks
to practice twice a month.
What is your daughter's
first name?
Uh, Chelsea.
Um, you do alternate Thursdays
starting next week.
Um, the kids like juice boxes
and bottled water
and a non-sugary snack,
preferably fruit
or cheese and crackers, bagels.
Don't get too creative.
They hate that.
And don't cheap out.
No generics.
Is that all you wanted
to talk about?
For now.
I thought you might...
- Thank you.
- No.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
You will be.
You would've been proud of me.
- You didn't babble.
- No.
Please tell me
you did not babble.
I was strong.
I'm not doing anything wrong.
So I just stood up to her
and looked her straight
in her crazy pinwheel eyes.
I'm proud of you.
I don't even think
she's in charge of snacks.
I think she just wanted
an excuse to take my measure.
- Wow, you showed her.
- Yeah.
- Meg.
- Uh-huh?
If I'm not doing anything wrong,
why do I feel so guilty?
They tested Kaitlyn's
class today.
You know, for that gifted
and talented program.
I still can't believe they have
a gifted and talented program
for first grade.
- They do.
- How did she do?
I don't know.
I'm sure she did fine,
now aren't you?
Well, she didn't say anything.
Well, she's reading.
Yeah, a lot of first graders
are reading, Woody.
Well, she's been reading
for quite some time.
Chapter books.
Yeah, I don't think we should
put pressure on her, right?
I mean, it's not a competition.
- Of course not.
- Yeah.
- But she is reading.
- Yeah.
Over grade level.
Well, I mean, if anyone belongs
in a gifted
and talented program...
I understand that the program
is a once-a-week pull out thing.
What does that mean?
That means, in first grade,
it's one two-hour session
a week.
And then third grade,
it's an after-school thing.
And then in middle school,
if they qualify, you know,
it's, uh, advance placement,
like honors.
Then high school, then Harvard.
Like that's not
where you're going with this.
- It's not.
- Be honest.
Well, I wouldn't stand
in her way
if she wanted to go Ivy League.
But you're not gonna push her
because it's not a competition.
Well, I'm saying
it is kind of a track, right?
I hope she did really well.
I'm sure she did her best.
She really didn't have
good breakfast.
We were late.
She just kind of had a Pop Tart.
She could've crashed
from the sugar
right in the middle of the test.
That's right, Meg.
Blame yourself.
Her life is ruined, community
college, financial ruin,
all because you didn't wake up
in time
to force-feed her an egg.
You see,
I don't ever buy Pop Tarts.
It's your fault. I mean,
if we're laying blame here.
You asked me to go shopping.
You had a list.
I improvised.
Yeah, cost our eldest daughter
her Ivy League education.
Never again, Meg.
You do the shopping from now on.
It's the only right thing to do.
Did you get this letter?
- What letter?
- About the GATE program.
Gifted and Talented Enrichment.
Uh, no.
- Ronnie got in.
- Oh, he did?
I didn't hear anything.
Michael never got any GATEs.
I don't even know what it is.
The letter says something about
confidentiality and privacy
and blah, blah, blah.
Chelsea didn't bring
anything home.
Did Kaitlyn?
Oh, no. Not yet.
Wait a second. Ronnie's smart?
Yeah, I guess. Who knew?
Well, knock me over
with a feather. No offense.
Please, I feel likewise.
She's always been a little
spacier than Michael.
I always thought she was...
You know,
not so gifted and talented.
- Well, yeah.
- No.
I always thought
she was a little slow.
Well, you know what,
she marches to the beat
of her own drum, that kid.
Anyway, the letters
of the GATE program
isn't about the usual
intelligence that they test for.
It's about other kinds.
There's other kinds?
That's what it says.
- Well, congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
I'm sure Kaitlyn will get in.
- Oh, and, and, and Chelsea.
- Oh.
Hey, hey, hey.
Honey, Rhiannon has other gifts
and talents.
- Yeah.
- Sure.
She's gonna break some hearts,
let me tell you.
Oh, absolutely.
Hearts, balls, banks.
- Ha, ha.
- She's gonna break them all.
I have to go through
Chelsea's backpack tonight.
Oh, yeah. It's probably there.
Oh, I'm sure.
I looked through her
backpack twice.
Did you ask her?
Yeah, she said that
Mrs. Lavigne didn't give her
anything to bring home.
I guess Mrs. Lavigne didn't give
her anything to bring home.
I guess.
Someone very wise once said
it's not a competition.
Yeah, someone very wise
is holding a knife right now.
we know she's special.
We don't need test results
to confirm that.
I know.
And maybe Mrs. Lavigne forgot
to send the letter home.
Or maybe Mrs. Lavigne didn't
check her mailbox in the office
because that's gonna happen
all the time.
We're not gonna worry
about this.
- But what do you--?
- We're not gonna worry.
- Whatever you say.
- That's it.
We're just gonna relax,
watch some TV, go to bed.
This will all work itself out
She's gotta be at least smart
as Connie's kid.
- Rocky?
- What?
- What?
- I'm running out of clothes.
Well, what can I do for you,
Okay, so this thing is,
I haven't really dated
since before law school.
My best dressy dress
has giant shoulder pads
and it's a size zero.
Oh, you're not gonna be
a zero again.
That belt's been wrong.
That ship has sailed.
Yeah. Yeah.
I've got a work wardrobe.
I have my mommy clothes.
And then I've got nothing.
And I don't wanna look like I'm
dressing up to come watch soccer
but I can't show up in sweats.
Oh, no, no. You can't, no.
- You got jeans?
- Of course.
- Not mommy jeans?
- Not mommy jeans.
- Some credit please.
- Okay.
How about a nice little camisole
with a man-tailored shirt,
you know.
Opened up with a little lacy bra
poking out.
You know, a little casual.
Oh, I just threw this thing on,
but it's a little seduction.
but I don't have the camisole.
You do now.
Hmm. Nah, you're in winter.
Did you just go shopping?
No, this is where I store
my new stuff
before I decide
to sneak it back.
Before I sneak it
into the house.
Oh. Uh-huh.
Are you sure?
Oh, I'm thinking the Mulberry.
- Yeah, with a denim shirt.
- Well, I...
- Yeah, I like that.
- You got any boots?
I don't know. You got any fixes?
Go fish.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
It's like Christmas.
- Barbara.
- Doro.
Your daughter's improving
every week.
- Thank you.
- No, really.
- She's looking much better.
- Thank you.
And as I may be so bold
to mention, are you?
- Ha-ha-ha.
- What?
You are also looking better.
- Better than...?
- Better than you used to look.
Not that I've been spying
or anything.
It's just that it's hard
not to notice
when someone
that you're used to seeing
suddenly starts
taking care of herself.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, yeah...
I know we don't know
each other very well.
Or at all.
we're practically related.
I mean, through my marriage
and your, well, fling.
Doro, I'm not comfortable
with that characterization.
Oh, far be it for me to make you
uncomfortable. Ha, ha.
There is no reason to make this
into a soap opera.
You're divorced. I'm divorced.
Oh, I'm quite aware
of my marital status.
Thank you very much.
I'm sorry.
Look, I just wanted to tell you
that I like what you're doing
with your hair.
I'm sorry. I mean, thank you.
You're welcome.
- And Barbara?
- Yeah?
You have snacks next Thursday.
Let me talk to her.
I can handle her myself,
you know.
I don't need you running
interference for me.
Not with Doro, not with AJ,
not with anyone else.
- I'm a big girl.
- I know that.
We've been friends a long time.
A very long time.
And I know how much control
means to you.
I'm not controlling.
I hear you. You wanna make
your own mistakes.
- I do.
- I warned you about Richard.
- So you did.
- And you didn't listen to me.
- I did not.
- And where did that get you?
Well, let's see,
I am a successful lawyer
with a beautiful
healthy daughter
and a very hot boyfriend.
I see your point.
I thought you might.
Unh. Okay.
- The girls are getting better.
- That's the plan.
I mean, I'm noticing
they're stronger, less winded,
running up and down the field.
- They're getting there.
- Yeah.
Kaitlyn loves you,
loves the team,
loves the practices, the games,
loves the games.
- I'm glad.
- Yeah.
So, um, how are you doing then?
Everything-- Everything okay?
Yeah, it's all peachy.
Not a cloud in my sky.
Yeah, and with Barb, it's good.
I don't know.
Not any of my business.
It's kind of your business.
She says the whole thing
was your idea.
Well, no, not the whole thing.
No, I just, you know, I figured,
she's single, you're single,
you're very attractive.
I mean,
you're both very attractive
and she's smart.
Uh-huh. Still waters.
She's just a surprise, you know?
Oh, yeah, of course.
Still waters.
There's something about a girl
with glasses.
She takes them off and...
- Wow.
- Wow.
Yeah, so just, you know,
take it slow and, and just...
Don't let anybody get hurt.
No problem.
I'm all over it.
Good to hear.
You're all alone today.
Yeah, ha, ha. Carpool.
Barbara's not here.
Oh, she's got the...
She's not here.
You don't like me.
Oh, no, I really don't know you
well enough to dislike you.
you're Barbara's best friend.
I'm sure you talk about me.
- No, we don't.
- Yes, you do.
I saw you talking to AJ.
Not about you.
We have daughters,
who are on the same soccer
team, go to school together.
Stuff like that.
We just get along.
Your daughter's
in the first grade.
Leah's in the second grade.
At this age, a school year
is like a dog year so--
Kaitlyn has lots of friends
older than she is.
How old is Barbara, anyway?
I really don't feel comfortable
talking about Barbara with you.
Oh, wow. Ha, ha.
That old. Wow.
Well, this is a lot easier
than chopping off her head
and counting the rings.
I've looked everywhere.
It isn't in here.
It's just an enrichment thing.
They miss recess and P.E.
It's not worth getting nuts
about, Meg.
It don't mean nothing.
I disagree.
The GATE letter says--
I don't wanna hear another word
about what
the GATE letter says.
I'm just trying to tell you.
I know what
you're trying to tell me.
It says you're not supposed
to discuss it
with non-GATE families.
The non-inclusion stirs
of feelings of entitlement.
I never knew what that meant
until just now.
Look, Connie...
I know it comes
as a shock to you
that my kid is smarter
than yours, Meg.
That's not what this means.
Meg's not accustomed
to not being the best, Connie.
I mean, I don't think
that I'm better than you
just because Ronnie's smarter
than Kaitlyn.
For God's sakes,
it's not a competition.
It's not a competition because
Kaitlyn didn't win, right, Meg?
No, Connie.
I mean, what kind of person
do you think I am?
I think you think
you're better than I am
and smarter than I am
and better educated than I am.
And now, your world has rocked.
- Please.
- Oh, please yourself.
I am sure
that Mrs. Lavigne just forgot.
Three days in a row, Meg?
Maybe you should march yourself
in the principal's office
and pull some strings.
- I wouldn't.
- Oh, you so would.
I'd never.
Let's go.
- Mr. Hughes.
- Need a hand?
Oh, PTL meeting.
Just stacking chairs.
We have janitorial staff
to handle that, you know.
No trouble.
Diego doesn't mind?
He has other things to do,
I'm sure.
I, uh, can't make it home,
in fact, you know, for pickup.
And I just feel guilty
sitting still.
- You are one in a million.
- Yeah.
Is something on your mind, Meg?
Um, yeah.
I do have a question.
Um, I don't want it to seem
like I'm asking for favors
or, uh, special consideration
because I do know
how inappropriate
that would be in this situation.
I'm not one of those
"every child is gifted" mothers.
Well, you know that.
And I don't feel like Kaitlyn
deserves a second look
because I work here so much
or because her dad teaches
English Lit at the university.
But, you know, she has been
reading since she was 2
and, um, speaking
in complete sentences.
Grammatically correct sentences
into her 18th month.
I have, um, documentation
on that.
I can show you videos.
I'm sure the testing
was completely standardized
and fair and accurate.
But I was just, well, her,
um, college professor father,
and I were just wondering
if there could have been
any kind of,
I don't know, way
she was overlooked somehow.
Is this about
the GATE program?
Because that's really
a district matter.
Oh, no, I'm not asking you
to pull strings or anything.
Well, that's good because
there's no strings to pull, Meg.
No, I'm just asking
because I think there might have
been some sort of clerical error
or a lost document or--
No matter how we word
those letters, people talk.
I don't know what
to tell you, Meg.
Families who don't get selected
for the GATE program
aren't even supposed to know
about the program.
I know about the program, Larry.
I'm on Psych Counsel.
Well, can you just ask someone?
You're putting me in
a difficult position here, okay?
Every mother in this town
thinks their child is special.
every mother's child is special.
But maybe not necessarily
special enough
to get admitted to GATE.
Right, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to--
It's an enrichment program, Meg.
Nothing more.
She'll be tested again
in the third grade.
Maybe she'll make the cut then.
Don't make such
a big thing about it.
I'm sorry.
All is forgiven and forgotten.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Great.
Well, I asked him.
- And?
- Oh, I wish I hadn't.
After all you do at that school,
I can't believe--
Woody, we know
it doesn't work like that.
We know better than that.
I'm so embarrassed.
We both know
she's gifted, right?
And no standardized test
changes that.
I mean, if the test
doesn't select her,
then it's not looking
for the right indicators.
You know, a lot of people say,
the GATE thing is for kids
who don't fit
into standard education.
Kids who don't thrive.
She's getting straight Os.
Well, O pluses, actually.
Except for, in Music,
you know, that one semester
in kindergarten.
You remember?
She had bronchitis.
She couldn't do the recital.
- So she's thriving.
- Yeah.
Well, maybe the whole
GATE thing isn't for her.
Maybe it's not what she needs.
Maybe it's for kids
who are struggling.
You know, square pegs
and more challenging kids.
You know, I mean,
the more I think about it,
the more sure I am
that the social stigma
attached to a kid
who is identified as gifted,
it's too early.
It's too early.
Besides, I'm sure the GATE kids
are teased and ostracized.
You know, I have heard that.
this isn't sour grapes, right?
Well... No.
This is what
intelligent people do.
They make adjustments.
- They create new paradigms.
- Hmm.
And besides, any program that
wants Ronnie and not Kaitlyn--
Exactly. Ha, ha.
- Oh, my God! Woody!
- What!
She got in.
Oh, she wasn't just--
Stuffed it in her pocket
and forgot about it.
- Our little genius.
- Let's go tell her.
Kaitlyn didn't care.
She doesn't know what it means.
That's good, right?
Maybe we should've let her sleep
and told her in the morning.
Yeah, maybe.
It's good though that she got
into this gifted thing.
A little worrying
that she doesn't remember
putting the paper in her pocket.
Woody, it's official.
She's gifted.
I mean, come on,
she's clearly thinking
about things more creative,
more important than
just bureaucratic paperwork.
Although they could have
e-mailed it to us.
Remember the old days
when you wouldn't tweeze
your eyebrows in front of me?
It never occurred to me
you had to do that.
As if all my unwanted hairs
just magically disappear
and my eyebrows
arched themselves?
Yeah, you were living
in a fantasy world back then.
I was. I liked it there.
Yeah, I liked it there too.
You had a lot more control
over your gaseous emissions
back then.
- I did.
- Yeah.
- Almost killed me.
- Oh, yeah. Marriage is better.
I mean,
lots of gifted kids probably
get lost in the shuffle.
- I'm sure that's true.
- Yeah.
Honestly, this whole thing
had us so tied up in knots,
I really didn't think
that Woody and I
would take this kind of thing
so hard.
Oh, you should have seen us.
We're the poster children
for every horrible
competitive parenting move
that we all just hate
and deplore.
I wish I could've handled things
with more grace.
You know,
I really offended Connie.
I groveled to Larry.
Oh, God.
I made such an ass of myself.
No argument here.
I wish I could handle things
more like you did.
I mean, Chelsea is every bit
as intelligent as Kaitlyn.
You didn't flip out that
she didn't make it in the GATE.
No, I didn't.
I'm really disappointed
in myself.
Meg, could you stop being
so hard on yourself, please?
Things are gonna get
a lot trickier
as the girls get older.
Promise me, okay?
No matter what happens,
we'll still be friends.
Well, duh.
I have to tell you something.
Chelsea got into GATE.
Ah! Ah!
Why didn't you tell me?
The stupid letter specifically
said not to tell anyone.
But I'm your best friend.
And I wanted us
to stay that way.
My God.
You have no faith in me.
To be fair, I saw
what happened with Connie.
Barb, I'm stunned.
But they all got in.
It's over, right?
And happily, ever after.
Let's move on with our lives.
I can't believe
you didn't tell me.
I mean, watching me
spin out of control
without saying a word.
Oh, for crying out loud, Meg.
I didn't tell you to spare your
feelings till you worked it out.
I wasn't gonna keep you
in the dark forever.
Okay. Fine.
Oh, God.
- You're still pissed.
- I am still confused.
Well, get over it.
I tell you everything.
Oh, not everything.
You did it with AJ.
You didn't tell me that.
Wait, what? Who told you that?
Nobody. I just figured it out.
You talked to AJ when I
specifically asked you not to.
No, I just asked him
to please take it slow
and not hurt my best friend.
And from what he said,
I just, you know, guessed.
- Well, you guessed wrong.
- Oh.
Meg, you set us up.
Now you gotta back off.
AJ and I can take it from here
at whatever speed we choose.
And whenever we do
whatever we do,
you'll be the third person
to know.
I am so sorry.
- I've been awful.
- Uh-huh.
Will you forgive me?
Just tell me
you didn't talk to Doro.
Well, she tried to talk to me.
- God, she's scary.
- I know, she really is.
But I can handle her.
- Okay. Wow.
- Mm-hm.
It's you, woman of mystery,
all self-confident and sphinxy.
What did you
with my best friend?
Oh, dolled her up.
To grab for a night on the town
with a hot guy,
it's a freaking magic trick.
Can we talk?
I suppose.
- I owe you an apology.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- Is that it?
- No.
Good. Go on.
I think you're smart, I do.
Yeah, sure.
I do.
Yeah, I bet.
And I like you.
You're this huge life force.
You don't second-guess yourself.
You just are.
You know, I admire that.
Thank you, Meg.
And I am sorry if anything
that I have done or said can...
You know, make you feel
that I don't respect you
because I do.
I appreciate that.
And I know how much
Kaitlyn likes Ronnie.
Oh, God, I would hate to think
that I would do anything
that gets in the way of that
just because of how you,
you know, might feel about me.
I'm not mad, Meg.
I'm just not used to having the
upper hand with you, you know.
And, uh...
I may have overplayed it
a little, so...
I'm sorry too.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
So then, we're good?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
I'm so excited for Ronnie.
And I'm sure
Kaitlyn doesn't need
as much enrichment
as Ronnie does, uh, something.
They must know
what they're doing, right?
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Ahem, there's something
I need to talk to you about.
- Doro.
- Ah, Doro.
She keeps, um...
She keeps talking to me.
What did she say?
She said she likes my blouse.
- Uh-huh.
- And my hair.
And she keeps reminding me
about the snack schedule
even though she knows I have it.
Okay, so,
it's not so much what she says.
It's the way she says them.
I see.
She looks at me...
I mean, even though
I haven't done anything wrong,
and she's not even accusing me,
I feel so guilty.
Look, being married to Dora
was like driving
within the speed limit
and having a cop car
right behind you
with lights going on.
Just waiting for you
to run through a stop light
or hit a pedestrian.
You just have to get used to her
She's not going anywhere.
And neither am I.
Let me know you.
Kaitlyn had her first
GATE thing today.
- Did she like it?
- She said it was boring.
What's a word for what that is?
- Hilarious?
- Mm.
- I don't tell.
- Yeah.
Gifted and talented
runs in the family.
I got a gift and a talent
I'd like to share with you
when you have a moment.
A moment?
Oh, if your gift
was really that talented,
I guess you would need more
than a moment there, buddy.
- Touche yourself.
- I should.
If you want something done
right around here.
No, I mean, touche,
you know, as in fencing,
not touche yourself,
like I would actually
be asking you--
Okay. That works.
Show me, show me, show me.
Oh, my God, you will love it.
Um, that's not gonna fit.
Take it back.
No, it's one size fits all,
Rocky, look.
Uh, it's a sausage casing.
Take it back.
One size fits most.
That's what it should say.
Oh, you're so PC, Meg.
Average American woman
is 5 feet 4, 140.
Come on,
what do you think?
No, the average American woman
is a heifer.
Now, you should never go
shopping without me again, okay?
No, what do you think
about the dress?
Good boobage. What about
the butt? Take it back.
No, no, I can wear Spandex.
There isn't enough Lycra
in the world, Connie.
Come on, forget it.
I don't wanna forget it,
Sam's taking me out for my
birthday, I wanna look special.
And what were you thinking?
Were there no lights on
in the store?
Okay, how about this?
- Oh, that's diya.
- Well--
- You can't wear a caftan.
- No?
Caftans are for beached whales,
and manatees.
You got boobs, you got a waist,
you got hips.
Do you hear yourself, Rocky?
She gained 30 pounds
with each kid.
She's only lost 25.
I haven't lost
my baby weight yet either.
Uh, news flash, Meg,
your baby's 4 years old.
You're unbelievable.
You know what, Meg, sometimes
you got to be cruel to be kind.
I told you before, this cake
is for Connie, not for you.
If you're gonna lick,
you lick the spoon.
No, come on,
I told you, big guy.
It's for Connie.
As a matter of fact,
you are not even invited.
No problem. I got a class.
Good, we'll talk about you.
Say nice things.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.
You don't have to go
through all this trouble for me.
No trouble.
Most women wouldn't bother
to bring food to a restaurant.
Yeah, I couldn't just buy
a cake at a bakery.
Don't look in her eyes,
she's a Stepford wife.
Oh, I really enjoy the baking
from scratch, Barb.
Oh, I almost believe you, Meg.
You made this from scratch?
In that case, we're having
a second piece, right?
What's your excuse
the other 364 days of the year?
Hey, Sam likes me with
a little meat on my bone.
Thank you very much.
- You got bones?
- Yup.
I retain a lot of water, Rocky.
So does Lake Michigan.
Put the fork down.
Rocky, enough,
it's her birthday.
Oh, did I tell you?
Sam's family is meeting us
in Vegas for Saturday night
and we're staying
at the Venetian.
- Are you taking the kids?
- Of course they love the slots.
Kids aren't allowed
to play the slots.
Oh, yeah, a minor.
Sam knows a guy who knows a guy.
Connie, what is it exactly
does Sam does for a living?
- He's a bootlegger.
- Rocky.
He's in liquor distribution
in restaurant supplies.
He puts a wonderful roof over
our heads and food on the table.
You know, Sam's grandfather,
he was a little bit
of a bootlegger.
But Sam's totally legit.
I said don't look a gift horse
in the mouth.
Especially, when it's just
the bloody head in your bed.
Oh, Emily made you an ashtray.
It's, uh, on your pillow.
She left it there
when you were in the shower.
- I don't smoke.
- Yeah, well--
I don't think she knows
what it is.
She called it an ass-tray.
Well, that's pretty good, right?
I mean, her world
is pretty much non-smoking.
Kaitlyn and Emily
don't know any smokers.
Yeah, but you have to wonder
where she came up
with that?
I'll make her a little bong
as a thank you present.
- Maybe it is an ass-tray.
- Hey.
Why did she have
to make you a present?
Why didn't she make me
a present?
Meg, seriously?
Not. Stupid.
But that just doesn't seem fair.
I mean, they love you every bit
as much as they love me, and--
I do everything around here and
you don't have to do anything.
I give them water every night.
And I read them a bedtime story.
I have to ask you to help,
you know.
And you get to say no.
You can have the ass-tray.
You deserve it.
I get it, you contribute
around here, okay?
I mean, you work.
I am the breadwinner.
Not that you couldn't win bread
if you wanted to.
Forget it.
I'm not making myself clear.
No, you are.
You are competitive,
you're working harder than I am,
and you're not winning.
And, when they're teens,
they are probably gonna like me
better than they like you.
I know. That sucks.
And when they grow up,
they're gonna blame you
for everything.
- You do understand.
- I do.
If you like,
every now and then,
I can hit them
with a really big stick.
No, thank you.
I'm just gonna ride
this one out
and you can keep the ass-tray.
- Wanna fool around?
- We--
- Now?
- Yeah.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
You would always do it.
I mean, never too busy,
or too distracted, or too tired?
I'm a man.
How about a cuddle,
or have a foot rub,
or a piece of pie.
Is that wrong?
I mean,
do you think that's normal?
How would I know?
I married you.
Move it.
Meg, thank you so much
for yesterday.
My birthday lunch was fabulous.
The least I could since
we made the cheap gifts rule.
It's bad enough
with all the kids parties.
I'm practically tithing
to Toys "R" Us now.
I can't afford fancy
grown-up presents anymore.
Unless you want a Barbie,
because I'm buying them
by the case now.
- Oh, I'd love a Barbie.
- You are a Barbie.
Come on, on this side.
What's the worst birthday
present you've ever got?
Richard gave me
a vacuum cleaner.
Looking back,
I realized now,
that vacuum was the end
of our marriage.
Well, that and the other woman.
Men don't understand
the messages
behind the stuff, you know.
They're simpler than we are.
It's been clinically proven.
If Stan bought me something
that plugged in for a present,
I'd leave him.
Woody bought me a TV
for the bedroom last Christmas.
- I like it.
- Well, I wouldn't stand for it.
You're tougher than I am, Barb.
Yeah, right.
I'm also divorced,
so don't listen to me.
- I won't.
- I like personal gifts.
Like the lingerie and jewelry.
Oh, Sam gives great jewelry.
I like it
when Stan pays attention
when I drop little hints.
You know, like,
when we go shopping,
I say stuff like, "Buy that."
- Hmm.
- Subtle.
I wouldn't send Stan
to the supermarket to buy bread.
I'm not gonna let him pick out
that I'm supposed to wear.
I like it when Sam buys me
the sexy stuff
from Victoria's Secret
or Frederick's of Hollywood.
They make your size?
No offense.
Woody doesn't really like
that obvious kind of stuff.
He likes it when I wear
his old T-shirt
and knee socks to bed.
Does he like the TV on too?
I like the TV.
It's 42 inches,
I don't have to wear my glasses
to watch Jon Stewart .
Well, to me, if a guy buys you
an electronic appliance
for your bedroom,
he could be sending you
a message.
It was a Christmas present.
We both enjoy it.
- Can we just drop it?
- Mm-hm.
Watch the ball.
Woody, do you ever look
at Victoria's Secret catalogs?
I guess I've glanced at it.
Well, uh, I was just wondering
if you ever fantasized
about those women in there.
Meg, I'm sensing
a metaphorical minefield
around this area of questioning.
- Really?
- Did I do something?
Men enjoy looking
at pretty women
and pretty lingerie.
I mean, it's a common fantasy.
- Completely natural.
- Okay.
But you never bought me anything
from that catalog.
Well, I guess,
you just don't seem
like Victoria's Secret type
to me.
Oh, no, right,
because I am the T-shirt
and knee socks type.
You don't think I'm sexy?
- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh?
I blew off a foot on that one.
I didn't even see it coming.
I'm not laughing.
What I'm trying to say is,
I find you sexy
without all the fancy
optic tricks.
You-- You don't have to act sexy
to be sexy to me.
So you don't think
I can act sexy?
No, I'm not saying you can't,
I'm saying you don't have to,
not for me.
- Isn't that a good thing?
- No, Woody.
You never think of me
in a cheap, degrading way,
and I find that extremely
And, kaboom, there goes
what's left of the leg.
I mean, you think that
a married couple with children
would be comfortable enough
with each other to experiment,
and explore all their sexual
fantasies and desires.
- Really?
- Don't look at me like that.
- But you just said...
- Oh, admit it.
You think I'm fat.
Medic. Man down.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I have so much work to do.
I haven't had a chance to do
laundry since last weekend.
Chelsea's going commando.
Why do you always win these?
Not a competition,
but if losing it were a race,
I'd be winning.
Oh, yeah, right.
You and your real job,
and your fancy divorce.
I feel like I should get
some kind of handicap.
I'll spot you.
I'll even change lives with you.
- Barbara.
- Or maybe not.
- Um, you got a second?
- Sure.
- Come here.
- Yeah.
- You're looking good.
- Oh, thanks.
Just a little something
I threw on.
Nice throw.
That's my camy.
So, um,
how's this weekend looking?
I'll have to check my calendar.
Speaking about the weekend,
Does, uh, Chelsea ever spend
the whole weekend with her dad?
- Okay, talk to you later.
- Okay.
Stop staring at me like that.
- Obvious.
- Okay.
He asked when Richard
gets Chelsea for the weekend.
You know what that means,
- What?
- He wants to see me naked.
Oh. Oh.
I haven't been naked
with a new man since the '90s.
You know,
I don't think I'm hot anymore.
I think I was pretty hot
a long time ago.
I sort of whisk the window,
being all self-critical.
And let's face it, I wasted all
my really hot years on Richard.
And now, I'm past my prime.
Oh, Barb, don't say that.
So lucky you have Woody.
Even if you are in a rut.
- Eh.
- It's something.
- That's great.
- Oh.
I don't think I can do this.
that is why God created liquor.
And dimmer lights.
And you could just wear
I'd have to buy all new stuff.
It'd be too weird to wear
what I wore in bed with Richard.
Yeah, yeah.
It's unrealistic expectations
to give birth, practice law,
and have flat abs, right?
Maybe I'll wallpaper my sides
with my law school transcripts.
Oh, wow, Barb.
And this is after how many years
of therapy?
Don't downplay this.
you know how every spring,
when you need
a new bathing suit.
and you're standing
in the changing room
under those fluorescent lights?
Well, being naked with AJ
is like sharing
that dressing room
with a supermodel.
A tan supermodel.
Uh, you know what,
if you're not ready,
maybe, you should, you know,
put the brakes on a little.
I don't wanna slow down.
I wanna get out of neutral
and hang on
for some serious stunt driving.
I've been parked in the garage
too long, Meg.
I just wish I was younger,
thinner, and prettier.
Oh, God, hope grown-up Chelsea
isn't gonna hate herself
this much.
No, all she needs is
a good role model
for mental health
and self-acceptance.
- Where's she gonna find that?
- I don't know.
The only person I know
who's truly comfortable
in her body is Connie.
Happy birthday to her.
So I'm lying in bed
on Saturday morning
before we go to Vegas,
and Sam comes in with the kids,
and they're dragging
this big, big box
and with this huge, huge ribbon,
and I'm thinking,
"So, okay,
it's not a ring, right?"
And, uh, the kids
are jumping up and down,
and they're saying, "Oh, Mommy,
you're gonna love this present."
And, so I'm excited, right?
So you opened the gift?
So I opened the gift,
and I'm heartbroken.
Huh, don't tell me.
It's a vacuum cleaner.
Worse. A treadmill.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
And everyone singing
"Happy Birthday"
which is a song I am starting
to really freaking hate,
you know?
And Sam's kissing me,
and I'm thinking,
where's the freaking jewelry,
you little creep?
What kind of treadmill?
Rocky, I was so bummed.
I mean,
one lousy, stinking gift,
and my whole world's
upside down, you know.
I-- My husband and my kids
think I'm fat.
- Your kids too?
- Yeah.
Micheal and Sam
picked it out together.
So, Ronnie, she was so nice.
She was noticing
that I was gonna start to cry,
so she came up to me,
and she was like,
"Mommy, don't get too skinny,
because I love hugging you,
because you're so squishy."
Oh, Connie.
How was Vegas?
I sat there for two days
with Sam's family
and my sisters.
Everyone's singing
that freaking song
every two minutes,
and I couldn't eat.
I couldn't gamble.
I couldn't even hear
Barry Manilow.
Because all I was thinking
was Sam thinks I'm fat.
All those years, we're doing it
with the lights on.
Never again.
- You did it with the lights on?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
So you think that I should leave
Sam over this?
I mean, I'm not gonna change,
and, I don't know--
Is our marriage based on a lie?
Because if that's the case,
then what do I got
to go home to?
the father of your three kids,
five bedrooms, four cars,
a live-in housekeeper.
Connie, you're in the middle
of remodeling your master bath.
did I tell you about the tile?
- Uh-uh.
- Yeah, okay.
There's a fire in the factory
in Italy,
and they can't match the
original gray, don't even ask.
I told you to go with a guy
from the place that I know.
So you don't think
I should leave Sam?
No, keep Sam.
Sell the treadmill.
You could use the money
to join a gym.
Je-- Yeah.
I could also fly to the moon,
flap my arms real hard too.
Right? I don't know.
Exercise queens
who actually join gyms
always seem shallow
and self-absorbed.
- No offense, Rocky.
- Oh, none taken, doll.
Why do we allow ourselves
to be tyrannized by this issue?
We will not truly be free
until we are judged
on the content of our character,
not the perfection of our skin
and flesh.
I can coach you, Connie.
We can work out together.
We could do that,
if we weren't us.
Was it a nice treadmill?
Oh, you'll never understand.
I wouldn't mind a treadmill.
I could read.
not that walking and talking
with you isn't wonderful.
No, when you buy people
exercise equipment,
that's like saying
that they're fat,
you want them to change.
Or it could be telling
the person you love,
you want them to be healthy
and live a really long time.
Sam broke Connie's heart,
and you're refusing
to understand
just to torture me.
Are you sure you're not hungry?
Oh, I really couldn't eat
another bite.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You just had a salad,
you can't be full.
I had the bread.
The bread is free.
The salad was $16. I'm fine.
Look, this place is awesome.
Their soft-shell crabs
are phenomenal.
Check it out.
Whoa, ha, ha.
I do not feel comfortable
ordering a $40 entree.
I'm offering, no strings.
See, the thing is,
I really like having dinner
with you,
but I feel weird
spending your money
in such a profligate fashion.
Seeing as I have no immediate
of fulfilling my obligations,
owing to my particular
with intimacy, and so forth.
Look, I really like this place.
This is one of my favorite
I wasn't insinuating
that you needed
to return the favor in any way.
- Is this too much?
- Yeah.
It's too much
for a good night kiss
on the cheek.
It's probably too much
for a good night tongue
down the throat.
Then maybe you should pick
the place next time.
Well, would you, uh,
feel more comfortable
at something like, um,
Denny's, T.G.I. Friday's,
- Oh, Benihana.
- Yeah.
- I like Benihana.
- Okay.
And then, you know,
we can come back here
in a few months.
A few months.
Okay, weeks.
I'll hold you to that.
I'll mark it in my calendar.
A few weeks.
Soft-shell crabs.
You supply the dessert.
Ahem. Okay.
So I told him we could come back
and have crabs in a few weeks.
Oh, like, wow.
- Soon.
- I know.
I don't even like crabs.
Then don't get crabs.
Oh, God,
I hope I don't get crabs.
So Barbara said, she and AJ
are gonna do it in a few weeks.
Oh, maybe we can do it
in a few weeks
if you let me out
of the dog house.
I'm sorry
that I'm not always in the mood.
You're sorry?
Connie's having trouble,
and Barbara's feeling weird,
I don't know.
I'm just kind of feeling
self-conscious about stuff.
Oh, stop it, you're beautiful
and you know it.
You don't see me the way I am,
you see me the way I was
the way you want me to be.
Well, how do you see me?
That is not the same thing.
You're a guy.
Your gray hairs and laugh lines
and crow's feet,
that just makes you
more distinguished,
and handsome.
I'm not looking at you
and noticing what's different.
I'm looking at you
and seeing the woman I love.
Mother of the children I adore,
the center
of my little universe.
You'll never see
what I see, Meg.
Not in any mirror.
Oh, that was the perfect thing
to say.
Um, Barb,
I can see you're busy there.
I want you for a moment.
I need to talk.
- What about?
- Sex, marriage.
I am madder at Sam
than Connie is.
To think I'm withholding sex
from Woody
because of what Sam did
to Connie.
Or maybe I'm afraid that Woody
feels the same way about me
that Sam feels.
Or maybe I feel like Woody
is judging me,
the way that you're afraid
that AJ might judge you.
Does it make sense?
Who says sex makes any sense?
Let alone marriage.
I guess you never really hear
married people
talk honestly
about what they do.
You always gonna wonder
if other people aren't doing it
as much as you are doing it.
No one's doing it
as much as you think they are.
I don't think.
Although, everyone's doing it
more than I am.
- Well, that could change.
- Oh.
- No?
- Oh, God.
Um, how long has it been?
Well, it's not like I'm keeping
score or anything.
That would be sick.
Seventeen months, eight days.
Lately, I feel fat.
I feel self-conscious and--
I don't know, jealous.
I mean, you've got this new
and exciting relationship.
I miss all that, you know.
I know nothing's perfect.
But Woody's damn close,
don't blow it, Meg.
You're right.
- He's sweet, right?
- He really is.
- And he tries.
- He does.
I don't deserve him.
You do, actually.
Just let him off the hook.
Woody's one of the good guys.
And believe me,
the grass is no greener
on the other side
of the metaphor.
I think I have too much time
on my hands
since I stopped working.
I mean, yes,
two kids are a lot of work.
And I know you think
that I have taken on too much,
and you know me,
I can't sit still,
and I don't delegate.
But I've been jealous
of my best friend,
and blaming you for stuff
that Sam did to Connie.
But after talking to Barbara,
I realized how lucky I am
to have you,
and the kids, and everything.
I love you.
Wait, really? You love me?
I'm sorry. I have been nuts.
I hadn't noticed.
I'm sorry too for whatever I did
to make you nuts.
And for whatever Sam did
to Connie.
In fact,
on behalf of my entire gender,
I'd like to apologize for any
wrongdoing real or perceived
that any male on the planet
may have perpetrated
or contemplated.
Are we okay?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I feel so lucky.
You know, I have you
and we have our little rut,
but this chapter won't last
forever, we should embrace it.
And make the best of it
I mean, right?
Oh, Meg.
I kind of wish
you could have talked this
through with me
instead of Barbara.
I love talking to you,
but my friends understand me.
- I understand you.
- Aww.
It's cute.
I'm sorry, I love you,
Woody, but you're a man.
Yeah, it didn't come out
quite right.
Maybe I should do the yearbook.
- Generic.
- Mm-hm.
Oh, you sure are living
dangerously, Barb.
You're a rebel.
I have it on
excellent authority
that Doro's not going to be
at soccer today.
She'll never know.
Sorry I got you into this mess.
What mess?
I'm having the time of my life.
Chelsea loves the team,
and maybe someday,
I'll get used to dating someone
prettier than me.
I'm happy for you,
but he's got a crazy ex.
Uh, Doro is not
boiling bunnies crazy.
More like I-don't-want-him-
but-you-can't-have-him crazy.
- I can deal.
- Hmm, but--
Still, I mean,
things don't work out,
you could get hurt.
And if I do,
it won't be your fault.
I'm a big girl.
I can make my own decisions.
You opened the door,
I walked through
with my eyes wide open.
Legs, not so much.
Ha, ha.
Yeah, it takes a village.
And I'm the matchmaker.
Don't sell yourself short,
you're the freaking mayor.
I'm dying here.
Come on, Rock, come on.
We've been power walking.
- She's done good.
- Uh-huh.
I want you to know, Barb,
I'm not doing this for Sam,
I'm doing this for me.
- I'm glad.
- Oh.
Oh, I'll show you
the birthday present
that Sam got me.
- Oh.
- Rocky picked it out.
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna show it to him
Uh, keeping it classy.
Let me, doll.
Are these generics?
Doro's not gonna be here today.
Oh, yes, she is.
I saw her Prius
parked in front of the school,
in the red zone.
Well, what could she do to me?
No, really, I'm asking.
No worries, okay?
Bullies and mean girls
like Doro,
they prey
on the psychologically weak
and isolated.
You've got us.
So you put out those cheap-ass
pretzels with pride.
Or you could just hide
the bag.
Yeah, it's not like she's
gonna know the difference.
The woman hasn't eaten
a carb since the early '90s.
Doro cares too much
about this stuff.
And she's a total control freak.
Not that there's anything
wrong with that, Meg.
No, we love you. Yeah.
- I love you too, Connie.
- Yeah.
No, seriously.
These moments in between,
you know,
the picking up the kids
and dropping them off,
and sitting
at those soccer sidelines.
These moments mean everything.
I've looked forward to.
You people get me
through my day.
You keep me sane.
I love you all.
What the hell, Meg?
Did I miss the part
where your house
fell on the Wicked Witch
of the East?
She's having a moment.
Yeah, well, knock it off.