Living Will... (2010) Movie Script

They will just ask anybody
to join a war.
I once got kicked off
a carnival ride for crying.
I cried
on a Ferris wheel.
Why am I even here?
This is stupid.
I don't want to be
the bearer of bad news,
but you're pretty much
on your own, bud.
If somebody shoots
at us, I'm running.
Is this a grenade?
I don't even...
this is stupid.
Like, do they want us to lose?
Is that why I'm...?
What side are we on?
Are we the good guys or the bad guys?
I should probably be quiet.
There's probably peop...
I'll be quiet.
Just eat.
Just eat.
I don't care.
Is this loaded?
- Will.
- What?
I'm going in.
All right,
I got your back, buddy.
Cover me.
- You've always been there for me, buddy.
- I always will.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I love you a lot.
- I'm just procrastinating now.
- Go.
- I don't really want to go. Okay, I'll go.
- Go.
- I'm going.
- Go.
Will, help!
Will! No!
No! Help!
I'm in the bathroom.
Yeah, what's up?
I'm seriously constipated,
for real this time.
What the fuck
do you want me to do?
Can you grab me
some reading material?
this one's a fighter.
Anything specific?
Something long.
How about my dick?
Dude, come on.
I'm dying here.
My asshole is locked up tighter
than the Birdman of Alcatraz.
All right, fine.
Here's your book.
Come on, man, can you just
bring it in to me?
I promised myself
I wouldn't get up
until I dropped the kids
off at the pool.
I'm not going in there.
Just get off your ass and get it yourself.
Do you have
work today?
No, I called out
the last four days.
I told work that my mom
had a spastic colon.
But your mom's been
dead for 20 years.
Are you serious?
Thanks for reminding me,
dick fuck.
All right,
I'm out of here.
Dude, come on, Will.
it'll be fun in here.
I don't want
to come in there.
I know you don't want to,
but do what's right.
You know
what's right, Will.
Seriously, we can make
s'mores in here.
You want a s'more?
What are you doing,
having a party in here?
I told you, I'm not
leaving this damn room
until I take the Browns
to the Bowl.
Well, here's your book.
Dude, just stay and hang out
with me for a little bit.
Just take an enema.
I'm not sticking
anything else up my ass.
Nothing good
ever comes out of it.
I think it's pretty stupid you hanging out
in the bathroom all day.
You're stupid.
- Just stay in and drink with me.
- What? No.
I don't feel like hanging out with you
all night in your fucking underwear.
- I'll put pants on.
- That's not the point.
Good. I wasn't gonna
put pants on anyway.
- Right. See you.
- Will, come here, please,
just real quick.
Just feel my stomach.
Go on.
Come here.
Oh, that's...
it's all hard and shit.
What the fuck is that?
It's poop, dude,
a lot of it.
That's disgusting.
I know.
So what about it?
Come on, let Daddy
take care of you tonight.
Just stay in.
Oh, I found something.
Oh, all right.
- Yeah! Come here. Rub my feet.
- No.
- Come on, rub my feet.
- No.
I'm getting comfy. I'm getting comfy
with my body.
This is called
the evacuator.
It tastes like shit.
What are you doing, man?
I'm eating everything I can
until I poop.
You've been in bed
all week?
I thought you were just out.
You didn't poop yet?
What's with the laxatives
and Metamucil?
I don't care
about anything
so I put them
up my butt.
You're not supposed to put Metamucil
up your butt.
Don't judge me.
I'm taking you
to the hospital.
You don't look right.
You're all yellow
and your stomach looks
like a ripe melon.
And you smell.
Look, man,
stop yelling,
first off.
Second off, it's a very
stressful situation in here.
And if this doesn't work,
I'll go to the hospital.
If you don't shit by the time I get back
from work,
I'm taking you to
the hospital, seriously.
You're a hospital.
That's a ridiculous belt.
You smell.
- Yeah.
- A lot.
I don't care.
Over the lips,
past the liver,
come on, grease,
make my colon quiver.
Dear friends, family,
we are gathered
here today
to bid a very fond
to a beloved son
and a trusted friend.
I remember so fondly
Scott as a child.
He had the most
beautiful eyes,
that tousled
mop of hair,
that small,
athletic frame,
the softest skin.
Oh Scott,
this world is
a darker place
without you.
Yo, man, I heard
you found the body.
That's bananas.
Man, did you check out
the chicks at this thing?
They got my pants
extra tight.
There's something about chicks
at a funeral, you know...
just fucking sexy.
Oh, Will,
on my way over here
I was thinking
or wondering maybe
if I could maybe stay
in Belch's room,
because he's dead.
I really need
a place to stay.
And I could help you out
Dude, are you
asking to move into
his best friend's room
at the funeral?
Is it too soon?
Is it too soon?
Sure sure.
You got it.
Oh, man, cool.
Hey, you think Belch's
shit is still in there?
Wait, not his
actual shit... ugh.
But, like, his comb
and his toothbrush
and his callus peeler
and that Jaeger bottle.
I get his...
I get his DVDs. I get his DVDs.
It's my room, man.
They're my DVDs.
I just called dibs.
You did.
Well, I guess it doesn't matter
if it's in there or not.
It would be nice
to have stuff though.
You know, I don't have
any stuff of my own
since my mom's flood.
Do you remember
the storm of '97?
Do you remember? Do you remember?
Do you remember?
- A hell of a storm.
- Oh man.
And so it, like,
came in the basement.
It was, like,
raising up really high.
I was sleeping
on an air mattress.
Oh, man, it was like a raft. I felt like
I was coming from Puerto Rico.
I didn't know what to do.
I was scared though.
I was probably down there
for, like, two days,
or maybe it was weeks.
I don't know.
So how have you been?
Do I know you?
Scotty's cousin.
Little annoying Krista?
Krista that peed in the tent
on the camping trip
when we were little kids?
You sure know how to charm
a girl, don't you?
Belcher and I called you Pissta
for the rest of that trip.
That shit was hilarious.
Yeah, it was great.
So how long are you
here for?
Actually I moved back
about four months ago.
I'm surprised
Scotty didn't tell you.
Oh, I'm not.
- Why is that?
- Well, he probably would have thought
I was gonna ask you out
or something.
Would you have?
Probably not. I'm not into that whole
golden showers thing.
Ha ha ha. You know, you're so much
funnier than I remember.
Well, I mean, you're a lot cuter
than I remember.
- Don't look now. Will's with a girl.
- Let me get this.
She's pretty, but she's
wearing all black.
Everyone's wearing
all black today.
Hey, Will.
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah.
Thanks, baby.
Can I talk to you
for a second?
Uh, yeah.
Who was that girl
you were talking to?
Why do you care anyway?
Well, I was thinking
maybe we should start
seeing each other again.
I think you might be
a different person now,
a little better.
I should go.
Fuck, that hurt.
Oh, that's not good.
- Hey!
- What?
Are you okay?
What, are you retarded?
No, I'm not okay.
Do you want some morphine?
You know what? Just a couple chewable
aspirins, maybe a Q-tip.
Yes, I want some
morphine, you idiot!
I don't have any morphine.
Oh my God.
Do you want anything else?
You are 110% useless.
All right, this is
what you can do for me...
Don't put your penis
in my cousin.
Don't fuck my cousin.
Wait, no. Hang on. I was looking
the other way. I can't hear.
You know damn well
what I said.
No, I can't hear you.
You should just come over here
so I can hear you.
How can I come over there?
I'm practically dead.
You know damn well
you can hear me, Will.
I can't hear you!
There's bombs.
The bombs... I can't hear.
How can I hear you
and you can't hear me?
You're right there.
Of course you can hear me.
I can't hear you.
Say that again.
Don't fuck my cousin,
you dick!
Will, help!
What are you wearing
cologne for?
Yeah, what, are you going
to the Oscars or something?
Yeah, who do you think
you are...
Daniel Gay Lewis?
He called you Daniel.
Rollo, when I let
Matt stay here,
I didn't know your skeevy ass
was gonna be here every single day.
special, man.
Supply staying
close to demand.
That's not how supply
and demand works.
And anyway, it's not
two-for-one, because
Maurice over here
has been here every fucking day.
- Do you think it's gay that I bake?
- Who the fuck is Maurice?
Furbush, you idiots.
Maurice fucking Furbush.
This waste of space
sitting right over here next to you.
That's Furbush's name?
Whoa. You remind me
of Stephen Hawking.
Oh my God,
your stupidity astounds me.
Are you cooking pot brownies
in an Easy-Bake oven?
We couldn't get
the real oven in here.
Anyway, aren't you supposed to meet up
with that broad or something like that?
Her name is Krista.
She's been here every day
for the past month.
She's got
a sweet rack.
Yeah, a nice
turd-cutter too.
How many of these things
have you guys eaten?
13, man.
You are fucking
retarded, really.
He was calling you
retarded, man, not me.
Oh, the brownie's ready.
- Hey girl.
- Hey, Cam. Bye.
So this is gonna seem
really over the top,
but I was considering
asking you
to move in with me.
You don't have
to answer right now.
Whoa, okay, I haven't even
sampled the milk yet.
Let me think about it.
Sounds good.
The reason I'm definitely
a finer housewife of Cherry Hill
is because I enjoy
spoiling myself.
Did you play hot dogs
and donuts yet?
No, but I think she's
gonna move in though.
Wait a minute.
- Bad move, man.
- What?
Whoa, does that mean
you're kicking me out, man?
No, you're cool for a while,
at least till you get a job.
A job?
This is cause for a celebration,
the only way
we know how.
I don't know, guys. I haven't smoked
since I had that episode.
So that is why I don't
smoke weed anymore.
Were you talking to us?
Yeah, man, 'cause I was,
like, zoning out... in and out.
No, I was talking to the other two dipshit
burnouts on my couch.
There are other
dipshits here?
Listen, man, it doesn't matter
who's where.
We're bros, all right?
It's all about
having a good time.
Live in the moment.
Be one of us.
It's healthy for you,
sort of.
Why monkey around
when you can have
Happy birthday, Stacy.
I see you turned 33.
No, I didn't.
What's up,
Brosef Stalin?
Look at him.
He's cute.
This girl's
in my sorority.
Oh crap, here she comes.
Did you tell her
we were coming here?
Of course I did.
It's my birthday.
We're best friends
in my sorority.
Dude, you're
freaking out, man.
You're acting like
you've just seen a ghost.
Stop screaming.
You're acting like a little girl.
Oh my God, oh my God,
Oh my God, oh my God,
oh my God.
Dude, take a deep breath.
Relax. It's me, dude.
Why... why are you here?
I'm totally seeing shit
and hearing shit.
Ooh, you're crazy.
Relax, dude.
It's me. It's Belcher.
It can't be you, can it?
Are you stoned?
When the hell did you
start smoking weed?
Did you miss your buddy?
Did you?
Are you depressed?
I'm back, fucker.
Quit being such a fag.
Well, I did it.
I really did it this time.
Snap out of it, man.
You've got to accept
the fact that I'm a ghost.
Hell, it took me
five minutes to accept it.
If you're a ghost,
why can I see you?
I don't know.
You're the first.
I guess you're just special.
So if you've been gone
for a month,
where have you been?
You know how in the movies
they talk about how when you die
you get to float over the top of your own
funeral and shit,
see who showed up?
Not so much.
So what did you do?
Well, first I tried
to fly out of there,
but that shit didn't work.
So then I jumped on a bus
and I think I got
an S.T.D. From it.
And it was terrible.
Dude, public transportation
sucks ass.
Well, I just realized
I'm really high right now
and I'm talking to myself.
I'm going to bed
right now,
so you can stay
or go or fuck off.
Fuck you.
Good night, imagination.
Good night, prickle dick.
Can I talk to you?
Go ahead.
In the hallway.
Come on.
I'll smoke
in a minute, Mom.
Don't "what" me.
What are you doing?
What the hell?
Isn't it obvious?
I'm trying to get some shut-eye
in my own goddamn bed.
I didn't realize I was
gonna be up all night
listening to some whiny broad
piss and moan about being stoned.
Oh my God, you're real.
Dude, I thought we went
through this already.
What are you doing?
Are you joking?
Stop doing that.
Oh man.
Hey, man, it's just me...
regular old Belch.
I know it might seem like
we're in the movie "Ghost"
and it's getting all gay and shit,
but it's not like that.
I just want to hang out
like old times.
That's the only reason I'm back here
is to just do this.
It's the only reason
that I can think of.
Don't be all weird, man.
I've got something
that'll cheer you up.
Mm-hmm. Watch this.
Fucking shit.
Oh man, there's
something to be said
about the grace of someone falling
with stuff in their hands.
There's two types of people in this world,
my friend, two types...
one that's gonna
sacrifice their kneecaps
to save one little piece
of canned good,
but the other...
they're the ones that will
throw those groceries
in the air with gusto
to walk away unscathed.
This one's a thrower.
- Want to get out of here?
- Yeah yeah.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
Come on, Will, you've got this.
Knock it down my urethra.
Right towards my dick.
Oh, eat my puss.
Yo, man, this is bullshit.
You can't make no shot like that.
I know, he's been
making them all night.
Hey, you're making it
so obvious.
These rednecks are
gonna kick our asses.
They're gonna kick
your ass, not mine.
That's great for you.
Oh please. Look at
these fucking guys.
They're like
That guy drives a Saturn and that guy
jerks off to Carrie Underwood.
That's gonna be a real comfort for me
when I'm picking up
what's left of my teeth
off of the floor.
Do you want me to get you a napkin
for your vagina,
- you fuck-ass?
- Shut up.
Hey, you see this schizo
talking to himself?
This fruit fucker's been
playing games with us.
What are you doing
over there, fruit fucker?
Fruit fucker?
Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- He just called you fruit fucker.
Hold this.
My God, they're
All right,
you son of a bitch,
this next shot...
all this money
all this asshole money
right now,
because you ain't
making shit.
You can do this.
All right, eight ball,
corner pocket.
Would this be easier
for you, gaywad?
Eat shit.
Eat my shit.
This asshole's
doing magic on us.
Yo, man, it's like he's some crazy
Danger Dopperfield.
Well, whatever it is,
you're doing magic on us.
You know what?
I'm gonna fuck this guy up
upside his head.
Got this.
Not quite sure what just
happened with the thing.
It just kind of... just went
through the doggone air.
I'm just that fast.
I'm Professor Zoom,
- Ha ha!
- Yeah!
Fuck yeah.
Consider that rent,
Mr. Furley.
Take the biggest guy
in the world,
shatter his kneecap
and he'll drop like a stone.
Did you just reference
"Road House"?
- Patrick Swayze at his best.
- Kudos, my friend.
And kudos again,
fruit fucker.
Ooh, that was great.
I think if I wasn't dead,
I would have got my carrot wet.
I think I'm just gonna
hit the hay, so...
man, it's so good to see you.
I had so much fun today.
Thanks, man.
I enjoy being here.
Not you, Matt.
My bad.
Hey, Matt, actually
I'm gonna have to ask you to move out
of Belcher's room.
That's cool.
I couldn't afford
rent anyway.
- You weren't gonna pay me?
- No, probably not.
But since we're
on the topic,
could I crash on your
couch for a while,
since you're kicking
me out and all?
Fuck no.
Don't do it.
I guess,
for a little while.
- Cool.
- But no weed.
Sober Sally.
- I'm just kidding.
- Oh, you got me there, man.
- All right, good night.
- You got him.
Dude, that was
some serious drama.
"Gilmore Girls" drama.
Do they ever stop?
Hey, pass me the bowl.
That'll help me.
Yeah, well,
you'll need that.
Thanks, man.
You're welcome.
You guys are retarded.
No, not the cats cats.
The singing animal "Cats."
What is up, buttercup?
You're looking especially
sexy this morning.
You snore really loud
for a dead guy.
Thank you.
That tastes weird.
Dude, do you have
to work today?
What else do you want me to do?
I have alive-people things to do
and alive-people
bills to pay.
Excuse me for not living.
Dude, man,
we can go hustle some
money at the pool hall.
Yeah, 'cause that
went really well.
I thought it went great.
What am I supposed
to do all day?
I don't know.
Do exactly what you did
when you were alive...
Matt's here.
He's gonna want to watch
stupid judge shows
all day.
Put on "Supermarket Sweep."
He'll never know the difference.
- I love that show.
- It's a good show.
Yeah, but Furbush is here
and he hates game shows.
Well, I don't know, man.
I gotta go.
Who works on a Monday?
Be good.
Be gay.
Fucking stickler.
This sucks.
Everything's the worst.
I was kidding.
This tastes good.
I'm taking it.
Good morning, Will.
How was your weekend?
Good morning.
It was good.
Yeah yeah, that's great.
That's great, whatever.
Did you get a chance to go over your part
of the Anderson account?
The Anderson account?
Um, yeah, well,
Mr. Archer, actually...
Don't Mr. Archer me,
What's up, Broba Fett?
Who's the stiff?
What the fuck
are you doing here?
What did you
just say?
Uh, nothing.
I didn't say anything.
Just thinking about
the Anderson account, sir.
Marjorie, come help me
with these papers.
And you, I'm not done
with you yet.
Dude, that stiff you just
knocked over is my boss.
- That dude's your boss?
- Yeah.
- You listen to that dude?
- Yeah, I have to.
He's got eyebrows like caterpillars, man.
He's ridiculous.
What are you doing here?
You can't be here.
- I'm bored as shit, man.
- You have to go back home.
I'm serious.
I'm gonna kill myself.
- All right, that doesn't make any sense.
- Belcher, get out of here now.
Okay, please stop
touching that.
That doesn't even do anything.
It just makes that noise.
I know, but I need
to use it, okay?
- For what? To make...
- For my job.
So Eyebrow can think you're
doing something? There you go.
- He's busy. He's busy doing nothing.
- Shh.
This place smells
- This place smells like period blood.
- Get off here.
Where do you
sleep though?
You know where I sleep.
No, where do you sleep
when you're working?
I'd have more fun on fire.
You've never been on fire.
I'd want to be on fire.
I'm gonna get fired
because of you.
You have to go home.
God, being dead
is retarded.
- What's this over here?
- Come on.
Do you have a pencil?
I want to sharpen a pencil.
No no, please just go.
Just stop touching everything.
- Everything's locked.
- Yeah, I know, for people like you.
- Why is this even...?
- No no.
This doesn't even
do anything.
What, is this wah-wah?
This is retarded.
You're making so much noise. They're
gonna hear you and I'm gonna get fired.
- Like it matters.
- Go.
- Can I check my MySpace page?
- Come on.
- What?
- Just get out. Really, just get out.
- All right.
- Just get...
All right, Will,
where were we?
See you later,
Where the shit
have you been?
Looks like you just got back
from the Special Olympics.
Being dead is the best thing that's
ever happened to me ever.
You should seriously consider
killing yourself, like seriously.
I'm not gonna kill myself.
What's with the dog?
I don't know. Remember
those horrible women
that lived down the street...
the sorority girls?
- Yeah.
- The whores? They still live there.
So? So?
Jesus Christ,
it's like titty town U.S.A.
Down there.
And I've got a free
fucking pass.
Whoa, are they, like,
running around naked,
having tickle parties, and flicking
their beans and scissoring...?
That is 110% precisely
what is happening down there.
- Really?
- No, not at all.
But if you wait
around the house
for, like, 12-plus hours, you're bound
to see something worthwhile,
like them changing
a tampon or something.
That's what you did all day?
You sat around at a house
waiting to catch
a glimpse of a tit
when we have literally,
literally mountains of porn in this house?
I hope it was
worth your time.
Worth my time?
Worth my time?
I'm a ghost, dude.
All I have is time, you dipshit.
would you consider
getting to see B.T.B.
Lathering up with a loofah
worth 12 hours of your time?
I know I would.
B.T. B?
Big-Tittied Brunette?
The one and only.
Oh, no way.
I think it would be worth
12 hours of my pitiful life
to see that.
I could die happy.
Shit, I could die
all over again.
I could die, like, four times.
I could die infinity
just to see that fucking
tied race of two zeppelins
chasing at my face.
I wanted to sleep in them,
- if I wasn't dead.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's hard
to sell that to a girl.
Hey girl.
Hey, what are you doing?
Oh, just trying
to figure out
why my breasts are
getting so swollen.
Mine are kind of sore
right now too.
My nipples are getting
really long and hard.
Well, maybe if you touched them...
can you tell me,
do they feel odd to you?
Does this feel odd?
As long as they feel
normal to you ladies.
- I trust your opinion.
- Yeah, nice and bouncy.
You're such good friends.
Whoa, man,
she sounds like
a fairy princess.
Wait a minute, what do you care about
seeing naked chicks anyway?
What do you mean?
Well, I mean,
can you still get a...?
Where are you going
with this, shark bait?
Can you...?
Can l...?
I don't know.
Can you still get a...?
You're making me feel
really awkward.
Awkward? Seriously?
This is the first goddamn
thing I would ask you
if you showed up on my front step
as Casper the Friendly Ghost.
Yes, I jerk off.
Is that what
you're groping for?
Yeah, that's one way
to put it, I guess.
I beat the shit out of this thing.
Are you serious?
This thing's got
miles on it.
Hell, it's got gum
stuck on the bottom;
it's got a cigarette burn;
gravel shoved into the tip;
and my foreskin looks like
it lost a catfight.
So yes, I jerk off.
Are you happy now?
- I beat the crap out of it.
- Ew.
People have stepped on it
and I didn't even notice.
So can you still...?
What happens when you...?
What happens with the...
Now I'm the one
who's uncomfortable.
Yes, I have a triumphant
and glorious end
to all my beatings.
So when all things
you know what I mean?
...when I blow...
- Got it.
- It feels great,
but since I died,
I can't see it.
So it kind of just goes
haywire wherever.
So I gotta focus it and get in
the specific spot. But I can't see it,
so I assume you mortals
can't see it either.
How do you know?
Well, did you take
a shower today?
Did you notice anything
on your towel?
Then you can't see it.
Oh, come on, really?
My towel?
Why? There are so many
other places.
If you had a black light
right now.
It would look like
a dancehall in here.
What's up with the dog,
Belle here is the best
friend I've ever known.
She hangs out with me all day long,
unlike my other friends
who go to their stupid
job and ignore me.
You stole someone's dog?
I didn't steal her.
She's free to go whenever she wants.
Right, Belle?
I'm going to bed.
- Just get rid of it, okay?
- Nope.
Unless it takes ghost-dog shits
and eats ghost-dog food,
then get rid of it.
Why do I like you?
Just get rid of it. I'm going to bed.
Good night.
Do what you must.
The dog's staying.
Good night, man.
Nice tuxedo, man.
He likes your coat.
You want to hear
the strangest part?
I think this lady
must be a freak.
I found some of her ladies' things
in my husband's briefcase.
And I was gonna totally
bust him on it,
but I don't think
I have enough evidence.
Don't break it.
Dude, sorority fucking row...
What are we doing later?
'Cause the Sigmas
are having a 10:00 mixer
and those filthy fucking whores
are sausage wallets.
We are not doing
Seriously, what are
we doing, dude?
there's something
I gotta tell you.
Spit it out, Rain Man.
I'm kind of going out
with your cousin.
What? What cousin?
Your cousin Krista.
Pissta Krista?
I should have
fucking known, man.
This whole time you were
tiptoeing around, acting all weird.
And I just thought you were
out sucking dude dick
or you had some fat broad on the side
you were trying to hide from me.
I don't want you
dating her.
I don't think
you have a choice.
How in the shit
do I not have a choice?
Well, you're kind of dead.
Wait a minute.
Where did you even see my cousin at?
Where was it, Will?
At your funeral.
My funeral?
Did you even take
a minute to mourn me
or did you just stampede your dick
into my family members?
I didn't fuck her, okay?
You didn't fuck her? What, did you
just finger her in the bathroom?
Did you eat her out on top
of the fucking casket?
Fuck you.
All right, well,
I gotta go.
You gotta go.
You've been busy, huh?
Yeah, I have been,
kind of.
You holding up okay?
Yeah, I've been
hanging in there, I guess.
You suck!
Is there
something wrong?
Uh, no no.
I'm just... I was just
a little flustered when you
mentioned Belcher, that's all.
That's bullshit.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
There's just been
so much going on.
I'm just feeling a little
squeezed out lately, you know.
You're a cousin-fucker!
I'm going to the bathroom.
I knew you were here,
you fuck.
I can't believe
you're getting all wah-wah
with my little cousin
at the fucking bar.
Wah-wah? What, is that
supposed to be porn music?
What are you trying to imply
with your shitty sound effects?
You know exactly what I'm trying to imply,
Will, exactly what I'm trying to imply.
And for your information,
that was
a perfectly dead-on
porn recreation.
Not that it's any
of your business,
but I was nowhere near
bow-chicka-bow-bow with Krista at the bar.
And that's how you do
porn music.
You have an ugly penis.
Well, don't fucking look.
Whatever, man. Just stop getting all
with my little fucking
cousin at the bar.
That is "Seinfeld" music,
you dipshit.
And you know what?
For your information,
I'll chicka-chicka-chicka-pow
with whoever I want to
whenever I want to
wherever I want to.
110% with you, huh?
Belcher out.
Did you just say that?
Belcher out?
Get the cum out of
your ears, bitch lips.
Well, maybe
if you stopped sticking your
dainty-cake ghost dick in my ear,
I'd be able to hear
a little better.
Yeah, fuck you too,
Is everything okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.
Where were we?
Well, I mentioned Scotty
and you kind of
freaked out a bit,
so I won't
do that again.
Yeah, let's not talk about
Scotty Belcher anymore.
Whoa, getting a little
frisky there, William.
Okay, easy there, tiger.
Look, I've been thinking
a lot about what you asked me.
But before I answer you,
I want to make sure
that you're
100% over Tammy.
Krista, I am completely
over her, 100%.
Well, if you're
absolutely sure,
then my answer is yes,
I will move in with you.
Great. Great.
This is...
this is great.
God damn it.
Are you fucking
kidding me?
Get upstairs.
Okay, let's go upstairs.
You're a motherfucking
a motherfucking
Is anybody else in this
room related to me?
Well, stand in
fucking line,
'cause this is
a cousin-fucker right here.
He's banging everybody.
Do you share D.N.A. With me?
Well, sit on his dick.
Are you okay?
I just, you know...
I think I just want
to take it slow.
Mm-mm, it's a shame.
That came to
a screeching halt.
It seemed like it was
gonna be fun too.
That looked neat.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Sweaty for no reason.
Oh, it stinks in here,
like a lot.
Oh yeah, let's...
everything is fine.
Let's just get
some sleep.
Mess with an asshole,
you have to deal
with some shit.
All right,
we have to come to some
type of resolution here.
Oh, real mature.
You're ignoring me?
I'm the only contact you have
with the living world
and you're not even
gonna talk to me?
Dude, she's fucking
moving in, man.
I just can't accept that.
Well, you're gonna
have to accept it.
Otherwise I'm gonna call Father Merrin
in here and exorcise your ass.
You wouldn't.
Why wouldn't I?
Krista's really hot.
You're dead to me.
Well, you actually are dead to me.
I'll kill you.
You gotta be kidding me.
You're gonna kill me?
You were just threatening to kill me
by calling that guy from "The Exorcist."
Well, I'm sorry to inform you,
but you're already dead.
Yeah, but you're trying
to make me more dead.
Who knows where I'd end up
if I become more dead?
I could end up in purgatory, hell,
or maybe even
fucking Delaware, dude. Do you want me
to end up in Delaware?
Whoa, nobody is going
to Delaware, okay?
I'm gonna ask you
real nicely.
I really like Krista and I
think we're good together.
Will you please please
try for me?
Come on.
All right, I will try
to make it work,
but I'm not gonna
like it.
Good. Now I won't have to exorcise
your stinky ghost ass.
You'd have to exercise
your fat fucking face to the gym.
Your cousin likes me.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey. Awesome.
Thank you.
Let's take this off.
You gotta be kidding me.
What the shit
is that monstrosity?
- It looks great.
- Well, don't lie to the poor girl.
The damn thing looks like
a retard on a pogo stick
finger-painted it.
Dude, where are
your balls, man?
She just moved in
and already
this place looks like
the Golden Girls live here.
I think
a Care Bear blew up.
I'd rather eat a Band-Aid.
You make me want to vomit.
And any more gay shit like that
and you might as well be neutered.
Don't give me
that stink eye.
- Is this level?
- Sure is, yeah.
Oh, "Desperate
Housewives" is on.
You want
some popcorn?
"Desperate Housewives"?
I'm taking this.
Dude, give me that back.
Do you want Krista
to walk in and see
a remote control floating
in mid-fucking-air?
You can have
this remote
when you pry it
from my cold, dead fingers.
Come on, man.
That's my remote.
Forget you, man.
I'm going to
the sorority house.
I hear Pam's new boyfriend
is coming over.
And if what Gina
and Chrissie say is true,
she's gonna be putting out.
I'm not sure how I feel
about Tom though.
And Gina doesn't seem to like him either,
but what does she know anyway?
She's been screwing around
with Bosworth, and he's a Phi Psi.
The guy is like
a walking Petri dish.
Enjoy your
"Desperate Housewhores."
You're a fallopian tube.
Want me to do a striptease
for you, baby?
You bet your tid-bitties,
I do.
You like these?
- Who put that floor there?
- I don't know.
You want me to give you
a lap dance?
Yes, so badly.
I hate you.
Oh my God.
Oh, Mommy, Mommy.
Take it off.
I dare you two
to make out.
I dare you two
to make out.
And... hey,
I dare you two
to make out too.
My God,
this guy's a genius.
Fuck it.
How is it goin',
Dude, could we get some
more suckers over here
to hustle some money
with cards tonight?
The girls at the sorority
house are on break
and I got nothing to do.
I am bored as shit.
Sorry, man, Krista and I
are going out
for dinner tonight
and maybe some Quizzo.
We're defending champions
from last week.
Dude, come on, man.
Can't you reschedule or something?
Sorry, man.
Why don't you just hang out
with the boys or something?
- I mean, where are they?
- I think they went
to go hang out in houses
that weren't pollinated with vagina.
Good for them.
Sorry, I guess you're
on your own tonight.
Shut up.
You can suck it, Will.
You can suck it.
Krista's probably
gonna suck it.
Ghostfukt. Com...
the finest ghost fucking
on the web.
Oh, Belch, you are
a son of a bitch.
And I'll take
my steak rare.
I like it
"Kill Bill" bloody.
A fine choice.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
After this week
I could really
throw back some wine.
You don't have
to twist my arm.
- How is everything?
- Good.
I hope they got
the steak right.
So few restaurants know how
to cook a steak rare these days.
Oh my God, this thing
is practically alive.
Compliments to the chef.
All right.
Okay, folks, it's our
last and final round.
We need someone
to step up to the forefront
or Floppy Old Man Nuts
are gonna win once again.
Whoo! Yeah!
What's up?
What's up,
Yeah, Floppy Old Man Nuts
all up in your grills.
You'd better recognize.
Our final round topic is
'90s sitcom shows.
What? Oh my God,
you guys are fucked.
You are fucked
fucked fucked.
Floppy Old Man Nuts
are gonna be teabagging
every one of you
people in here.
Fuck off.
I don't feel so good.
All right, folks, our next
question this evening:
A young Matthew McConaughey
and Ben Affleck
were featured in this
all-time stoner flick.
A young Matthew McConaughey
and Ben Affleck
were featured in this
all-time stoner flick.
Well, hi, Will.
How are you?
I've been okay,
I guess. You?
I'm fine, I guess.
Who is she?
She looks familiar.
That's Krista...
Belcher's cousin.
I miss you.
Oh, Krista,
this is Tammy.
All right, folks,
the next question:
Who played crackhead...
I'll be right back.
Who played
crackhead Pookie
in "New Jack City"?
How long are we gonna
keep doing this?
Doing what?
This. How long are
we gonna keep faking it
before we give in, Will?
You know,
we're only human.
Why are you still here?
Are you okay?
You don't
look so good.
You're not one of those
bulimic girls, are you?
No, you're much
too heavy for that.
You'd better end
this game fast, Will.
I'm not waiting
for you forever.
Sir, we need your
scorecards now, please.
Oh, what was
with last night?
I don't know.
I never lost in Quizzo
like that before.
We should have
cleaned house.
Not that. What was with your
slut ex-girlfriend?
She was,
like, stalking you.
Are you sure there isn't something
you want to tell me?
What? Yeah, actually.
You know what? There is.
How about next time
you control your booze
instead of acting like a retarded skank
on spring break?
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I'm serious.
If you weren't in the bathroom
puking your guts out, we would have won.
Oh my God.
I don't feel well right now,
so I'm not even gonna get into this
conversation with you.
Fine. Great.
See you later.
Hey, Rollo, thanks for taking me
to happy hour tonight.
I needed that.
Yo, brother,
you like your party?
I knew you and the skirt
were on the outs,
so I figured get you some new meat,
get your carrot wet...
young girls,
possibly daddy issues.
Sounds like a party to me.
All these girls look like
they're in high school.
Exactly. Hell,
I picked up most of them
at the junior high
No, seriously, they all
think you threw this.
Look alive.
Cut a rug.
Dude, we're all having
a good time but you.
Now check this out... I am rock solid
underneath this.
I've got something
for you upstairs.
Come on, trooper.
Suit up, dick meat,
unless you want me to get
everybody to leave.
- No, let's go party.
- Yeah!
Now let's have
a beer bong!
I'm so glad you finally
came to your senses.
Belcher is gone.
Krista's gone.
It's just us now.
Those emails you sent me
the past couple of weeks
have been driving me crazy.
Emails? What?
Shh, no more talking.
Wait wait.
No, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
- Hey, man.
- Oh.
You set this up,
didn't you?
I knew it.
I knew it.
Fuck you, man.
Get the fuck out of my house.
You're always all about
your own agenda.
Just get the fuck out.
I swear to God.
You know what? Fuck you.
You're the only person who could see me
and you chose not to.
So go crawl your ass
back to your fucking
dick mitt Tammy.
- Get the fuck out, seriously.
- Fuck you.
We just gotta get this
out of the way.
On the count of three.
One, two...
Who does that guy
think he is, man?
That's the K.K.K.
Snowboarder, man.
He can really party.
What the fuck?
Just get out.
You guys just get out.
You're worthless.
You're fucking freaks.
All of you... one, two, three...
get out of here.
I'm serious.
Out out out.
Get out!
Get out of here.
And my best friend...
my roommate...
is fucking my goddamn
little cousin.
I just don't know
what to do anymore.
I just want somebody
to tell me what... can you t...?
Is there anybody
I can talk to?
Krista, I love you.
Yo, what the fuck
are you doing?
Dude, I am so sorry
you had to see this, man.
Karma's a bitch,
huh, Will?
What the fuck
are you doing here?
I came here to try and get you
your girlfriend back.
I didn't know she was getting turned
into Swiss cheese.
I thought you were supposed
to be my best friend.
How can I even believe
anything that you say?
Dude, I know I'm a dick.
I always have been.
I've learned to deal with it.
But do you honestly
think for a second
I came in here to see
these parts of my cousin...
shit, your girlfriend?
I'm upset right now...
not for you,
but for my poor eyes.
I feel like
I was just raped
for being in the room.
Ew a lot.
Dude, I love you, man.
You're my best friend.
You always have been.
There's nobody else.
That's it for me.
I feel the same way.
I love you, man,
like, for real.
You're my best friend,
my soul mate.
Does that "soul mate"
seem too much?
It's pretty gay, man.
It's pretty gay.
I don't care.
You fucked
this white boy up.
I'm out of here.
Fuck this.
Nothing else matters.
No, it doesn't.
Nothing matters at all.
You had a small dick
And you had
a big vagina.
Dude, maybe you should
go check on her.
She's crying her
fucking eyes out.
Fuck her, Belch.
She just turned herself into
a fucking
double-stuffed Oreo.
I mean, where'd she get
those guys from anyway?
That's besides the point, man.
She's still my cousin.
And to be honest with you,
I actually didn't see anything.
I got here a second
before you did.
I kind of exaggerated
a little bit.
You kind of exaggerated
a little bit?
I'd say that's a pretty fucking big
overexaggeration, you dick.
You really think so?
I'm pretty sure
they came here to hide
the sausage, bro.
I just assumed.
Look, I'm sorry I tripped you,
but you gotta admit
that was some pretty nasty
business back there.
Fuck you, Will. Don't you even
start judging me after what you did.
I thought
you were different,
but you're still
the same jerk you were
that made fun of me and called me
Pissta when we were kids.
Are you trying to tell me that what
you think you saw at that party
justifies you having a threesome
with Murtaugh and Riggs over there?
I didn't fuck
those guys, you idiot.
Those are my neighbors.
When you called me,
I had them come over here to pretend
to fuck me just to get you back.
You didn't fuck
those guys?
That's fantastic.
I didn't do anything
with Tammy either.
It was this whole
elaborate setup.
An elaborate setup by who, Will?
By Tammy?
You know, I'd really like
to believe you, but I just...
I can't take a chance that
you're gonna hurt me again.
there's something
I have to tell you.
Whoa whoa whoa,
don't fucking do it.
What? I was just gonna...
I know what you were
gonna tell her. Don't.
Don't even acknowledge I'm here.
Don't talk to me.
You want
her back, right?
Well, she's looking at you right now
like you're Gary fucking Busey.
So just look pretty, dude.
You had something
to tell me?
- Tell her to give you a minute.
- Just give me a minute.
All right, dude,
seriously, listen to me.
I'm sorry
about everything.
I fucked up, man.
But everything we just
said back there...
I meant it.
And I'm pretty sure you meant it.
But I'm a ghost.
You can't keep on fucking
talking to the thin air.
You need something real,
something tangible
in your life,
something that'll
actually love you back.
You need Krista.
That's beautiful.
Will, are you okay?
Tell her you said
she's beautiful.
You're beautiful.
I think
you're so beautiful.
I'm sorry what I said
about your penis, Will.
I didn't mean it.
It's not small.
It's just the right size.
I'm tearing up
over here.
It's beautiful.
It's like a fucking Hallmark
Hall of Fame moment.
But your dick is still tiny.
Seriously, it's really small.
Like, you could fuck
my pee hole.
Good luck.
Argh! Will!
This just in...
flight 769 crashed
leaving Las Vegas
early this morning
due to technical
Most of the passengers
were coming from
the National
Adult Video Awards.
The flight was said to have
over 50 adult actresses from...
- Will.
...the well-known "Ass Wrangler" series.
- Dude.
- No survivors were found.
Can you imagine how much ghost puss
is gonna be down there?
Lt'd be practically impossible
not to fall into at least one of them.
Also in the news,
a small problem or a big plus?
Midget Olympics... could they be coming
to your neighborhood?
More on the story
after the season premiere
of "The Real Housewives
of Cherry Hill."
You gotta kill yourself.
Vegas, baby.
Come on.
God damn, I'm bored.
Dude, I don't care
what you do,
but I'm going to Vegas.
I'm gonna get knee-deep
in some ghost poon.
I'll go with you, Belch.
All right.