Lizzy Hoo: Hoo Cares!? (2023) Movie Script
(UPBEAT INTRODUCTORY MUSIC)
EMCEE: Alright,
you know what to do!
Smash your hands together
and welcome to the stage
Lizzy Hoo!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(WHISTLING)
Ohhhh.
Thank you.
We're at the Athenaeum!
What the fuck?
This is crazy.
Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.
Ah, I've got...
I've got big news.
Um, at the end of last year,
I quit my day job
to do full-time comedy.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- Thank you.
Thank you. Yes, thank you.
Ah, but my timing,
my timing wasn't so great.
I quit in November last year,
just before
the Omicron outbreak.
I was hopeful.
You know, I was hopeful.
It was like, 95% vax rate,
100 to 200 cases a day.
I thought, "This is the time
that I quit my day job
"and I do comedy full-time."
But, as we know,
COVID can be such a fuckboy.
(LAUGHTER)
You think you're over him and
then, bam, he's in your DMs.
I'm thinking about your lungs...
...and your grandma's lungs.
(LAUGHTER)
All your friends, they're
sick of you talking about him,
"COVID this, COVID that."
It's like, "Get over him, babe!
"He's only using you
for your body."
(LAUGHTER)
And I do believe
that COVID is a dude.
I do believe that...
...because he's had
two years to fix himself.
(LAUGHTER)
Two years.
Get some therapy, COVID.
Just comes back
with a man bun and a beard,
calls himself Omicron.
(LAUGHTER)
It's like, "We know it's you,
COVID."
Ah, speaking of cool guys,
my dad, Big Chan Hoo.
- Anyone know him?
- (AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
Oh, whoa, a few Chanactics
in tonight. I love that.
A few Chan fans.
He's a cool guy.
Loves to call me.
Loves to call me.
Calls me all the time.
I've got Daddy issues,
but good ones.
Ah, it's FaceTime mostly now
or top-of-his-head-time.
(LAUGHTER)
Just a lot of bare-chested
83-year-old time.
It's never face. Never face.
Our phone calls are
a lot of me saying,
"I can't see you, Dad,"
and him saying,
"Well, I can't hear you."
And then he'll say something
completely sane and normal,
like, "Hey, have I told you
about the time
"I got the monkey drunk?"
(LAUGHTER)
I'm like, "No, Chan,
but please, do tell."
I think my brothers and I,
we've been calling him Chan
since high school
because we are nothing
but deeply disrespectful...
(LAUGHTER)
...of hierarchy and culture.
My mum, my very white mum -
I want you to have
the right picture -
ah, my very white mum...
I'll never call her
by her first name.
I won't even say her name
in this show.
- Ah...
- (LAUGHTER)
But my phone calls
with her, I think,
are equally as entertaining.
I remember last year
I called her and I said,
"Hello, Mum, how are you?"
Fairly standard offering.
And she said, "Good, love.
Just trying not to die."
(LAUGHTER)
That's the spirit, Mum!
She's just over it.
She's lived enough.
There's nothing wrong with her,
she's just... she's just done.
And, to be fair, though,
to be fair,
for seniors, like,
for the last couple of years
it's been pretty tough for them.
We've all been trying not to
die and for seniors, more so.
For seniors, more so.
It was tough.
It was tough.
What were the options?
Go to Coles and get COVID,
or attempt an online shopping
order and have a heart attack?
(LAUGHTER)
They were the options.
Mum said to me, "Well, what
are you up to?" and I said,
"Well, I just quit my day job
to do full-time comedy."
And she said, "Wow!
That's amazing, Elizabeth!
"Life is about taking risks
and living.
"You can be whoever
you want to be."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES THEN LAUGHS)
Said no Boomer ever.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Never.
This is what she said.
"Oh, no!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Oh, no, Eliz-
"Oh, why can't you do
something normal, Elizabeth?
"What about
your superannuation?"
(LAUGHTER)
All very good, boring,
valid points.
But I think I've called my mum
with way worse news
than, "I quit my day job."
It wasn't like when I was 22
and I called her
from an internet caf overseas.
(MAKES INTERNET DIAL-UP SOUND)
It's like, "Hey, Mum.
Yeah, it's me.
"Just giving you a call now
"because you might not hear
from me for a couple of months,
"because me, Liza and Sarah,
"yeah, we've bought a van
for $500
"and we're gonna drive it
from Canada to Mexico."
(LAUGHTER)
I even told her it was
gonna cost us $1,000
but something went wrong
with the car,
so the guy gave it to us
cheaper.
(LAUGHTER)
And she was on board, she said,
"Yes, go and have an adventure.
"Enjoy yourself."
I guess she was younger,
I was younger.
You could say she was
a little too unfazed.
I mean, she did hitchhike
through South-East Asia
in the '70s.
That is how she met my dad.
Yeah.
My dad was a travelling salesman
and his friend
called him up and said,
"Hey, do you wanna take
these two hot Aussie chicks
"to Penang?"
(LAUGHTER)
And he said, "Yeah."
(LAUGHTER)
You know, so having your own car
and travelling through
a developed country
was, by Mum's standards,
pretty lame.
If it's not gonna leave you
with a husband
and three children,
eh, is it really
that interesting?
(LAUGHTER)
I think she'd be scared
if I was doing that today.
I would be scared
if I was doing that today.
I've watched all three seasons
of Narcos.
(LAUGHTER)
But my parents,
they're getting older.
My dad's 83, my mum's 76,
and, look, nobody
really prepares you
for watching
your parents get older.
It happens really quickly.
It's kinda like watching kids
grow up,
but in reverse and not as fun,
you know?
Baby's first steps
and Mum's first fall.
(APPALLED LAUGHTER)
Not really the same
camera-ready moment.
OK, some of you are on board.
- (LAUGHTER)
- It's a room-splitter.
My point is that your parents
get old quickly
and it happens, like, in the
blink of an eye, you know?
And it was only 15 years ago
that Mum and I,
we skydived to her
60th birthday party.
How cool is that? Yeah.
She said, "I wanna skydive
to my 60th birthday party,"
and 22-year-old
Elizabeth's like,
"Well, I can't let my mum
skydive before me."
You know, I was meant to be
the risk-taker
in this relationship.
So I stole some of her thunder
and I went with her.
You know,
other 60-year-olds though,
they might just organise
a high tea
or go on a cruise
with some friends.
My mum thought,
"Get me to the drop zone.
"I wanna jump out of
a tiny plane
"with a dreadlocked guy
they call Dangerous Dan
"strapped to my back,
"yelling at me every 30 seconds
"to do shakas
into a camcorder..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...so he can later sell me
a VHS
"of my cheeks rippling
in the wind."
(LAUGHTER)
That was the main difference
between our videos that we got.
My cheeks, 22, hardly moved,
supple, so good, so tight.
Mum's cheeks... (PUFFS)...
...like an umbrella
in a cyclone.
(LAUGHTER)
I should say too
that our car trip to Mexico,
it wasn't like your #vanlife
that you see on Instagram today.
We didn't have Instagram,
obviously.
We hardly had internet.
We didn't even have
a flip-phone.
We could have, it was 2006, ah,
but we decided
we didn't need one
on our 3,000km journey.
"We'll just go with the flow,
man,
"reverse charge my parents
if we need to."
(LAUGHTER)
The only personal insurance
that we had
was leaving behind
our rogue friend, Tracy.
Yeah, Trace.
Ah, she went out on a bender
the night before
and she didn't turn up,
so we just left without her.
(LAUGHTER)
We didn't have a phone,
we couldn't call her,
we didn't know where she was,
so as soon as she was about
two minutes late, we're like,
- "Oh, yeah, we..."
- (LAUGHTER)
"...we gotta get outta here."
But now I'm at that age where,
if my parents call me
too much, I get scared.
I get scared.
And I remember last year, Dad,
he called me twice
within 24 hours
and even by Chan's standards,
that's too many times.
Like, either something terrible
has happened,
or he's seen one of my
primary school friends' parents
at Carindale Shopping Centre...
(LAUGHTER)
...and he just had to tell me.
But this was
neither of those things.
It was neither of those things.
He called me to tell me
that Mum had given him
a bag of her friend's
recently-deceased
husband's shoes.
(LAUGHTER)
Just some dead guy's shoes
from one of Mum's friends
at aquarobics.
Yeah, we've got tennis shoes,
good going-out leather shoes,
sandals,
the whole spectrum
of what an old man could
possibly cover his feet with
just wedged into this green
Woolies bag.
Chan was calling me. He was
losing his mind on the phone.
He was like, "I don't wanna
wear this guy's shoes!"
I'm on the other end thinking,
"Is this what life becomes,
"hand-me-downs
from the dead?"
Who would've thought that
seniors' fitness
was just Marketplace for widows?
"Come for the arm curls
and chitty-chat,
"stay for the free footwear."
"Does anyone want Ray's shoes?
"Anyone?"
At my gym, someone
got engaged recently.
That's the stage of life I'm at.
And we knew because
she walked in like this.
(LAUGHTER)
And we all gathered round going,
"Oh, my gosh,
how did it happen?"
And she said, "Well, last year,
when we were in Fiji,
"I said, 'Listen, Steve."'
(LAUGHTER)
"'We've been together
for three-and-a-half years
"'and we're in
a tropical island location
"'and you seem to have not
brought a ring with you?'"
(LAUGHTER)
"'What the fuck is going on,
Steve?
"'Do you even love me?
"'If you don't propose to me
in the next six months,
"'I'm gonna lose my down payment
"'on our reception venue."'
(LAUGHTER)
And then, six months later,
"Wow!"
I'm not really that into
marriage, but I love the drama.
You know, fast-forward 50 years
though, same lady from the gym,
she's gonna be asking,
"Does anyone want
Steve's shoes?"
(LAUGHTER)
"Anyone? Gotta get to Fiji
with the girls."
Look, I'm not surprised
that my mum gave my dad
a bag of dead guy's shoes.
I'm not surprised.
She's a very practical woman.
She's from the country.
I don't know, does that make
you practical? I don't know.
She's a practical...
She's a practical woman.
She gives sunscreen
as a Christmas present,
that's how practical she is.
I can just imagine her
giving the shoes to Dad,
being like, "Here's some shoes.
"These will last you
the rest of your life."
(LAUGHTER)
We're very... We're very open
about death in our house
and, um, I thought all families
were like that
until my boyfriend
said to me one day,
"Hey, can you guys
stop discussing
"the ways in which
you're gonna die?"
I was like, "What?
"Mum said she didn't have
funeral insurance,
"so we said we'd just sling her
off a bridge."
(LAUGHTER)
"That is perfectly acceptable
dinner table conversation."
In the Hoo house,
we walk around saying,
"Oh, Mum, this vintage lamp
here,
"can I have that
when you're done with it?"
(LAUGHTER)
She's like, "Sure, put
a Post-It note on it!
"Let everyone know it's yours."
Very open about death
in our house
and I think I was introduced to
the idea at quite a young age,
um, when I...
It was an OK experience for me,
too.
When I was four years old,
ah, my parents,
they sent me to Malaysia
to farewell my dying grandma.
She was the last
of my grandparents.
The other three died
before I was born,
so my parents really wanted me
to have a memory of at least
one of my grandparents.
And I'm really thankful
for that,
I'm really glad that they had
the foresight to do that.
But I look back on that
occasion now,
as an adult, and I think, "Wow!
"That is a heavy concept for
a four-year-old to deal with."
You know, we'll swap the
sandpit for the hospital ward,
Play-Doh for prayers.
You know, I've heard some
parents even shelter their kids
from their pets' death.
"Oh, we'll just send Rex
to a farm in Queensland."
My parents were sending me
into the epicentre,
like a foreign correspondent.
They're like, "How does that
sound, litle Lizzy?"
And I'm like,
"Yeah, I'm on board."
My favourite show at the time
was Carmen Sandiego,
so popping up in an overseas
location felt like my destiny.
(LAUGHTER)
And there I was, little Lizzy,
living my best
four-year-old life,
sinking Ribenas with my cousins
in South-East Asia
- in my Australia flag shirt...
- (LAUGHTER)
...like the true
Queensland bogan I was.
I was on pre-schoolies.
(LAUGHTER)
The photo album that Mum
made of the trip.
In her handwriting,
on the front cover,
it says, "Chan And Liz Trip To
Malaysia When Nanny Died."
(LAUGHTER)
And then inside it's me,
having the time of my life!
(LAUGHTER)
I'm posing for photos
outside of shops
in my fresh Mickey Mouse
two-piece.
Got my aunties taking me
to actual gold shops
at the request of my grandma
to get some of that
sweet, sweet Chinese gold.
I had Chinese bracelets,
necklaces, earrings.
I was drippin'.
I was like this little
blinged-up Asian Ja Rule,
wandering the mean streets
of Penang,
talking about how
the game's changed...
(LAUGHTER)
...now that Aussie Hoo
was in town.
I was meant to be feeling sad.
I was feeling myself.
(LAUGHTER)
I remember we went
to my uncle's house there,
we stayed there and, um,
every morning this noodle guy
would come to the house.
It was like an ice-cream van,
but noodles,
and I got to eat my
favourite food every morning.
I was reporting back to Mum.
I was like,
"Yeah, she's pretty sick.
"And, more importantly...
"...you can shove
your cornflakes."
(LAUGHTER)
"I'm never eating porridge
again."
(LAUGHTER)
"And how many grandmas
do you get...
"...'cause I want some more
jewellery?"
(LAUGHTER)
Look, that story,
it came up for me recently
in an acting class.
That's right. (SNORTS)
- (LAUGHTER)
- I'm acting.
More classes than acting,
I'll be honest.
But in the class, we had to do
this exercise
where we had to write down
our first happiest
childhood memory...
(LAUGHTER)
...and that's the one
I wrote about...
(LAUGHTER)
...the time my grandma
died.
It's what she would've wanted.
I'm doing...
I'm doing acting classes,
um, so I can work more
as a comic
and, from what I've...
from what I've noticed,
ah, from my experiences
of an acting class,
if you want a really good
comedy show -
I'm really happy that you're
here tonight, but my hot tip
if you want a really great
comedy show
is to enrol in some
adult acting classes.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, my God, delusional!
(LAUGHTER)
Absolutely delusional.
I think the main difference
between actors and comedians,
from my experience,
is that actors
believe in themselves.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, they just sit there
in their linen, thinking,
"If I manifest this
and do Pilates, it will come."
And comedians,
we hate ourselves...
(LAUGHTER)
...but we could work
every single night of the week
if we wanted to.
I will drive an hour to
a shitty pub in Geelong
so that when Gary
looks up from his schnitzel...
(LAUGHTER)
...someone is there
to entertain him.
(LAUGHTER)
I will do that for the community
every night of the week.
No, I'm doing...
I'm doing acting classes
so I can work more as a comic,
because I wanna give this a go.
I need to make some more
money as a comic.
I don't give a fuck
about the craft of acting.
(LAUGHTER)
I give a fuck about the craft
of a contract.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, so I'm doing
acting classes
so I can work more as a comic
because I'm not ready
to log back into LinkedIn
just yet, OK?
I'm not ready.
I've got to give this a go.
I'm not ready to go
back to the office.
I'm not ready.
But even if I was working,
I don't think I'd ever wanna
go back to the office.
I think offices are weird
little ecosystems.
There's a lot of bottom-feeders
and sharks,
all just trying to feed
their families.
And we had to do these
personality tests at my work
so that we could all co-exist
a little bit more.
You might've done one before,
like a Myers-Briggs
or 12 white wines after work,
no dinner.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, that is my favourite
window into somebody's soul.
But we did this test
where you were labelled
a colour at the end.
You could be one of
four different colours
and I was labelled yellow...
(LAUGHTER)
...which I thought was quite
r-aa-cist.
(LAUGHTER)
My boss said to me,
"You're a yellow."
I was like, "Whoa!
"2021, mate."
But, apparently,
being a yellow employee,
according to the report, ah,
means that I'm creative,
a team player.
One of the notes in the report
said that I was a daily source
of inspiration.
I know.
I'm pretty much Gandhi at work.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm all, "Be the change
you wanna see
"in that report, Shane.
"Be the comma, huh?"
(LAUGHTER)
"Let the sentence... breathe."
(LAUGHTER)
But I'd never want to go
back to my office
because it was quite small,
10 to 15 people,
and there were no boundaries
anymore.
- We got too close.
- (LAUGHTER)
No boundaries.
Like my colleague Brad.
He had a value pack
of Metamucil...
(LAUGHTER)
...just sitting on his desk.
A value pack of Meta-
What kind of big-dick energy
is that?
Just 114 doses
of orange-flavoured
psyllium husk...
...so Brad could have
a spring in his step.
(LAUGHTER)
You know, I would go to the
kitchenette and make a Dilmah.
He would come in
and violently whip up
- some stool softener...
- (LAUGHTER)
...and then we'd talk about
what projects we had on.
It's like, "I know exactly what
you've got on, Brad."
(LAUGHTER)
It was unfair.
I have to rifle through my
handbag and get out a tampon
and conceal it in my pocket
and shuffle to the toilet...
...because I'm ashamed.
Brad?
(LAUGHTER)
He may as well be like,
"Listen up, everyone.
"Sue, Carol, I got
something to say.
"I'm gonna do
a slippery shit later..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...and I'm gonna enjoy it."
Oh, man, I'd love to have that
Brad level of confidence,
that level of fearlessness
in the workplace.
I would love to have my
32 bulk pack of Libra supers
just fuckin' there...
...so that I could say to
everyone,
"Hello, I've got something
to say.
"Ah, my spidey senses,
"they're telling me
that my tampon
"has reached max capac..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...and I need to go to the
toilet to get on with my day."
I think... I think, personally,
that is the true measure
of gender parity in the
workplace, you know?
I don't care how many men named
Peter or Paul are on boards
greater than the number
of women alone.
I don't care about
those statistics.
I care if Shane,
your male boss, says,
"Hey, I'm popping to the shops,
do you need anything?"
"Actually I do
"and if you could put those
on petty cash..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...that'd really help me out."
I think the only way...
The only way that I'd get
back to the office,
the only way you'd get me back
into the office,
is if we could commute
via rollercoaster.
(LAUGHTER)
It's a little bit out there.
Hear me out.
Ah, I think that's what
we need in the morning,
a slap in the face to remind us
that life is fun.
You know, you wouldn't have any
of these weird conversations,
like, "Oh, don't talk to me,
I haven't had my coffee yet,"
when you've had the absolute
wits scared out of you.
"How was the trip in,
Pete?"
"Fuckin' sick!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Kid vomited on me, Liz,
but I feel alive!
"Let's take this company
to the next level!"
Can you imagine
that morale in the office?
I'd love that.
Brad would love that.
It'd get him moving.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm a big rides person.
Love rides, love rides.
Done some of
the big ones in my time,
um, Turbo,
Brisbane Ekka circa '94.
Ah, Dreamworld Giant Drop,
Wipeout.
Same day.
Um...
Wish I'd gone to the US
as a kid, done the big boys -
Six Flags, Universal Studios,
Disneyland.
'Cause you remember
that kid in primary school...
...that went to America?
(LAUGHTER)
Yell out their names,
get 'em off your chest.
(LAUGHTER)
OK, I'll go first.
Maddie Myers.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah. And the whole term
we were fixated on this kid,
we were fixated on this kid.
They were going to America.
We knew everything
about their trip.
And on our holidays,
we were thinking about them.
We were like, "Wednesday,
where's Maddie now?
"Oh, Universal Studios, awesome!
"Tomorrow, Santa Monica,
amazing!"
And then after the holidays,
they got to headline
show and tell, obviously,
because they had
the best holiday.
They would get up there
and be like,
"Yeah, my stepdad, Troy..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...took me and my mum
to America.
"I got a snow globe
for everyone."
Boom, primary school Oprah,
just like, "Yeah,"
flinging snow globes
across the classroom.
(LAUGHTER)
I would get up there,
after the holidays,
and say, "Yeah, um, well,
I didn't go to America
"but I did go overseas once,
when my grandma died."
(LAUGHTER)
"Here's the photo album,
pass it round."
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, ah, but last holidays,
we actually just went camping
with my church.
Mum let me have
Nutella sandwiches all week
and I came third in the
sandcastle competition.
You could say
the biggest rollercoaster
at church camp...
...was probably Mum's menopause.
(LAUGHTER)
Look, now that I'm
"following my dream"...
...ah, the hardest part
of "following your dream"
is telling people about it.
Oh, my gosh, you feel so stupid.
You're like,
"Yeah, I'm gonna, um,
"quit my corporate day job
to do stand-up comedy."
And all your colleagues
will go, "Really?
"You?"
(LAUGHTER)
"I didn't see that for you!
"Really? 'Cause you're not,
like, that funny."
(LAUGHTER)
The naysayers and
non-believers are out there.
You've got to block them out.
I'm sure when Mum said,
"I want to skydive to
my 60th birthday party,"
heaps of people said, "Oh,
that's a bit much, isn't it?"
When we said we were gonna
drive from Canada to Mexico,
so many people told us,
"Oh, you're not gonna make it."
- They'd seen the car, right?
- (LAUGHTER)
"Not a chance."
When I left my office job,
I got one of these big,
giant, good-luck cards
that I had to pretend
I couldn't see everyone signing.
I was like...
(LAUGHTER)
"...just pretend
I'm not here, guys.
"I'm not here."
Part of me thinks,
"Seven years I worked here
"and you just organised the
card in the last 20 minutes."
(LAUGHTER)
"You pricks."
But inside the card
there were these beautiful
messages from my colleagues,
like, "Good luck. Don't forget
us when you're famous.
"We'll come to your show."
One of those colleagues still
sends me job ads on Seek.
(LAUGHTER)
Every week, just flicks me
an email, "Thinking of you."
(LAUGHTER)
I appreciate the concern, I do.
I do appreciate the concern,
'cause I think I'd be
a bit the same.
I'd be a bit the same
because I'm guilty of not
believing in those around me.
You know, I'm all for people
taking risks, to their faces.
"Oh, condiments business?
Amazing idea.
"Awesome.
4am start at the market?
"Woo! Good on you, babe.
Yeah."
Behind their back
I'm telling everyone,
"I've been to their house
for dinner."
(LAUGHTER)
little bit taste.com.au
(LAUGHTER)
That's mean, isn't it?
That's a bit mean.
- And it's meant to be.
- (LAUGHTER)
I'm part-Malaysian,
that's what we do.
We critique our
family's food for fun.
That's why it's the best food
in the world, you know?
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo!
- Yeah.
A few, yes, agree.
Laksa just didn't happen
overnight.
(LAUGHTER)
You know, laksa
probably started out
as some family member
giving another one
a bowl of hot coconut milk...
(LAUGHTER)
...and then that person had
a... (SIPS) ...little sip
and was like,
"That's disgusting!
"Are you gonna do
anything to this,
"put some lemongrass,
some spices?
"What's going on here?"
And then this cycle of
humiliation and improvement...
(LAUGHTER)
...happened over generations
to get the laksa
that we have today.
- (LAUGHTER)
- That is a fact.
No, it's not. I made it up.
(LAUGHTER)
I have to tell you guys,
'cause, ah, one audience I had
- went, "Oh."
- (LAUGHTER)
No, I'm all for people
taking risks, to their faces.
My brother, my brother,
he started a YouTube
travel channel.
That's right. He did that.
He started a YouTube
travel channel.
He left his stable job in
Singapore and he moved to Bali
to start a YouTube travel vlog
during a pandemic.
(LAUGHTER)
Travel vlog mid
global health crisis.
To his face, we were like,
"Yeah, bro."
(LAUGHTER)
"Chase your dreams.
Good luck. Yeah, awesome!"
Behind his back, wow,
family chat spawning.
- (LAUGHTER)
- All the combos possible.
Mum, me. Dad, me.
Brother, me.
We were like, "Is he OK?
Should we go over?
"What's going on?"
My dad, Chan,
was roasting him in the chat.
(LAUGHTER)
He was saying,
"I get more views than you."
(LAUGHTER)
For his little ukulele videos
that he films from, like,
this angle.
And, to be fair, at one point,
Chan was getting more views.
(LAUGHTER)
But now his YouTube channel
is actually doing really well.
It's got like
100,000 subscribers,
he's learnt the language,
he's learnt how to use all this
software and camera equipment,
and now my dad, he's so proud,
he shares his videos
to his 120 followers
and says things like,
"Follow your dreams.
"Keep going, boy."
We only celebrate winners
in the Hoo house.
You really do have to
prove yourself.
Um, my other brother,
I've got two older brothers,
and this other brother,
he's a bit older than me,
he's like 11 years older
than me,
and, um, he also had a dream.
He did, yeah.
Ah, he lives here and during
one of the many lockdowns,
ah, he had a dream.
He started a trout farm...
(LAUGHTER)
...in his backyard...
(LAUGHTER)
...in an above-ground pool...
(LAUGHTER)
...in his rental.
(LAUGHTER)
Everyone else was making
sourdough and doing puzzles.
My brother was thinking,
"Where are you gonna get
your omega-3s, huh?
If you teach a man to fish
in an above-ground pool,
he will last a lockdown.
(LAUGHTER)
I know you have a lot
of questions. I'll answer them.
(LAUGHTER)
He bou-He went to this
trout facility
about two hours from Melbourne
and they were real suss on him.
They were like, "Who's this
new player in the trout game?"
(LAUGHTER)
And he bought about 20 trout.
So think little goldfish
in a plastic bag,
but on a commercial scale.
And then he drove these trout
home and I said to him,
"Did you put the trout in, like,
"an esky or some sort of box
in the car?"
He said, "Nah.
Just put them in the back."
So these trout are just like...
...rolling around the back
of his car for two hours.
Gets them home,
empties his pool,
fills it with some tap water.
(LAUGHTER)
Then he goes and forages
for some river reeds
at the Darebin Creek...
(LAUGHTER)
...brings them back and sort
of places them in the pool,
sparingly, to mimic the trout's
natural environment,
to cover the bright blue
bottom of the pool.
And then he just...
...lobbed these fish in,
hoping that they would procreate
and he would become
the John West of Reservoir.
(LAUGHTER)
- All the fish died...
- (LAUGHTER)
...the next day.
(LAUGHTER)
But this is the thing,
he believed in his dream.
He believed in the world ending
and his food security dream
manifesting.
He had visions of frail,
undernourished neighbours
coming to his house, just like,
"Is this the one?"
"Yeah, this is the one.
"The one with the succulents
and the cat."
And then he would open
his trap window,
and be like, "Who sent you?
Did anyone see you coming?
"OK, come in."
He said to me, he said,
"What about all the kids
"that wanna try fishing
for the first time?
"Something they'd only heard
about in the before years?"
(LAUGHTER)
It's like, "I guess
that's a reason."
So he did the four-hour
round trip again.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)
It's 100% true.
He did the four-hour
round trip again.
He went back to
the trout facility
and this time they're like,
"Who the fuck are you, man?
"Who's this new
trout guy in town?"
He got 20 more trout,
drove them home, thinking,
"Where did I go wrong?"
(LAUGHTER)
Didn't change anything
about the setup.
(LAUGHTER)
Threw 'em in.
Wakes up the next day.
- Dead.
- (LAUGHTER)
One lasted five days, he said.
I'm like, "You've gotta
celebrate your wins."
But if you speak to him
about it now,
he's still
so straight-faced about it.
He's like, "Yeah, well,
I think where I went wrong
"was the temperature
control from farm to pool."
I was like,
"I think there were
a lot of other factors..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...at play."
I don't know.
Maybe he's a visionary.
I think it's a pretty cool idea
if he pulled it off.
You know out of all
my siblings' ideas
the one that my parents
were thrilled about?
Yeah, trout farm.
(LAUGHTER)
They loved it. They were like,
"Wow, what a great idea!
"Oh, my God, we're gonna
have to come and live with you!
"Fish are so expensive.
Wow!
"Trout farm? Woo, yes!
We love the trout farm!"
Oh, and I still have to do
quite a lot of convincing
that comedy is a viable career.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm the only person
who's ever gonna make money
off the trout farm.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
AND CHEERING)
Oh, look, some dreams
don't come true.
They don't. Ah, trout farm?
I don't know,
maybe it'll come true one day.
Some dreams don't come true,
but some do.
I think the most important
thing is that you tried.
Ah, we never made it to Mexico.
(LAUGHTER)
I know. Tracy made it.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, she did.
Caught a plane. Woo!
Smartest one out of all of us.
Yeah, we came very close,
though.
We came four hours
from the border.
The Mexican border, by the way,
ah, not the Canadian border.
We got a fair way
in that $500 car.
We were pretty proud
of ourselves
but my most sensible friend
on the trip, Sarah,
she said several times
throughout the trip,
"Hey, I don't think
we should be driving our car
"into Mexico."
And me and Liza,
the other girl, were like,
"Um, give me one reason
"why we shouldn't be
driving our $500 car
"into Mexico."
And she said,
"Um, drug cartels?"
We were like,
"Um, exciting!"
Imagine that call home to Mum.
- "Hola, Mama."
- (LAUGHTER)
Sorry, my Spanish,
it slips in and out.
(LAUGHTER)
"Yeah, my husband, Pedro,
he needs $20,000
"if you ever wanna see me
again."
(LAUGHTER)
And then it's just Mum
and Dangerous Dan
skydiving in to save me.
Amazing.
It would make a good movie.
The Three Amigas,
an all-Aussie adventure.
My acting classes
could pay off. I could play...
I could play myself.
It'd be amazing.
Or Chris Lilley could play me.
I don't know.
(LAUGHTER)
If he's avails.
I think... I think my parents
are OK with me doing comedy now
because I'm 38 and
they've lost all control. Um...
Thank you, I look amazing.
Um...
No, I think my dad is OK
with me doing comedy now
because, yeah, he's old.
He's 83 and I genuinely
think that, um...
About ten years ago, ah...
...we nearly lost him.
And, um, it was really
touch and go there for a while
and I think he's got
a new lease on life from it.
He had colon cancer.
Ah, we came very close
to packing up his man sandals...
(LAUGHTER)
...and taking them
to Mum's aquarobics class.
(LAUGHTER)
Ah, I was in...
I was in Thailand at the time,
doing my scuba diving licence.
Very important.
And, um, when your mum says,
"I think you should come home,"
you come home, right?
Ah, my brother, YouTube guy,
he was living in Thailand
at the time
and he didn't come home
and Chan never forgets...
(LAUGHTER)
...because I like to remind him.
(LAUGHTER)
I just casually sprinkle it
into conversation.
"Oh, yeah, tell me about
the monkey again, Dad.
"And do you remember that time
Damien didn't come home
"when you had cancer?"
And he says,
"Yes, my favourite."
(LAUGHTER)
"I do."
So I flew in from Thailand
and I went straight
to the hospital.
He'd just had an operation
and I really wasn't prepared
for what I was flying into,
um...
And you'd think I'd cry in this
situation. I'm a big crier.
Nearly cried when I was walking
onstage tonight.
A big crier.
I cry in all the big moments,
like America's Got Talent, um,
Call The Midwife
Christmas Special every year.
I went to a circus show
at Adelaide Fringe Festival...
...and I lost it.
- (LAUGHTER)
- I did.
I lost it when these two
hula hoopers came out.
Let me paint the scene.
Full face of makeup, leotard,
sparkling tights,
just wow, they were giving it.
- They were just like...
- (LAUGHTER)
...ten hula hoops on each limb,
just...
(LAUGHTER)
...giving it.
I was sitting there and I was
like, "Oh, my God."
"These hula hoopers
are bringing us so much joy."
(LAUGHTER)
Luckily, I was wearing a mask
so my tears were getting
caught by the mask.
I was sitting there thinking,
"Oh, my God,
"they haven't been able to
hula hoop...
"...for, like, two years."
(LAUGHTER)
And I was so affected by
the experience that I, like,
I was compelled to tell them.
Like I had to...
Not like a Google review,
like real life.
So I just waited.
I waited outside
their circus tent.
I waited for them to come...
They took, like,
half an hour to come out.
And then they finally came out,
I was like, "Hey!
"It's me from the front row,
yeah.
"I really loved
your hula hooping."
(MOCK SOBS)
"You brought every single
person in that tent
"a lot of joy tonight.
"You should be really proud."
And then they started crying.
And I started crying.
And then I just, like, left.
(LAUGHTER)
I was so embarrassed.
I can never see them again.
So you would think seeing
my sick dad in hospital
would be a time
that I would cry,
ah, but my brother, luckily,
my brother, my trout farm
brother, just as we...
Yeah.
Just as we went in to
Dad's room,
he turned to me and he said,
"Just so you know,
Chan looks like Gandhi."
(LAUGHTER)
And I hadn't even processed
what he'd just said
and we walk in and I see
my dad there.
I'm like, "Oh, my gosh."
The seriousness
of the situation hit me
and I was like, "Oh, my..."
He had tubes hooked up to him.
He was sort of sucking on
this little Sustagen popper,
he's in like
a white hospital gown.
He looked...
He was like 45 kilos.
Like, I hadn't seen him
for a year. He was so thin.
And then I could feel my body
start to react.
I could feel it in my throat,
my face started to burn,
and then I just burst out
laughing.
(LAUGHTER)
Because he did, in fact...
(LAUGHTER)
...look a lot like Gandhi.
(LAUGHTER)
And Chan was like,
"Why are you laughing at me?"
- (LAUGHTER)
- "I just had an operation!
"You can't laugh at me!"
And we were all laughing
and Mum just said,
"Well, Simon just told Elizabeth
"you look like Gandhi."
He's like, "Stop it,
I'm not allowed to laugh."
But we were all laughing.
We were having a good time.
We were all like,
Mum was laughing,
my brother was laughing,
I was laughing.
And my other brother?
(LAUGHTER)
He wasn't there.
(LAUGHTER)
Chan lived before he had cancer,
ah, but post-cancer,
he's living.
He is living and the dark part
of my brain thinks,
"Is that what we need in life,
a little touch with death,
"a little peek at the light,
"a little amuse-bouche
of rock bottom?"
You know, have you ever met
a shark attack survivor
who hasn't turned it around?
Like, Dad, he lived before,
now he's really living.
He found his passion
when he recovered, the ukulele.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Well, Mum found it for him.
She said, "You've gotta
do something, Chan.
"You can't just sit here
all day and watch Parliament."
- (LAUGHTER)
- That's what he loved to do.
So Mum found him
this ukulele class.
Chan loved it.
Now Mum regrets it.
(LAUGHTER)
It turns out your husband
perfecting La Vie En Rose
in a fake French accent can get
pretty fuckin' annoying.
(LAUGHTER)
But he's so into it.
He loves it.
He open-mics
more than I open-mic.
He goes to, ah, Spanish lessons,
so he can sing
Spanish love songs.
He's got vocal class.
He's got guitar class.
He's out. He's all...
He's out all the time.
And he goes to these open mics.
I went to one with him and,
you know, they just sit there,
they have their dinner,
a little ros,
they have their ukulele
beside them.
And there's not even, like,
a list, like an order list,
like a run sheet for everyone
to get up.
They just go up
when they feel like it.
It's like, "How many times
do you go up there, Chan?"
He's like,
"Oh, about five or six times."
(LAUGHTER)
Like, that's too many times.
That's like 30 minutes
of just Chan.
But he loves it.
But I think...
I think when you...
...when you nearly lose
a parent,
ah, you feel like you've got
a second chance with them.
And I remember I said to Dad,
"When you recover,
let's go back to Malaysia,
"me and you."
So, you know, I can get to
know him a bit more,
um, go back a second time,
just me and him,
without the death stuff.
(LAUGHTER)
And I think when Mum expressed
some interest in the trip,
his exact words to her were,
"No outsiders."
(LAUGHTER)
She got the hint.
She didn't come.
But we went.
We had the best trip.
We did, we had the best trip.
We ate what we wanted,
went to see the sights
where they got married,
where my brother was born,
where they used to live,
where they used to get
their car serviced,
you know, all the big...
all the big-hitters.
And we finally, ah, we finally
went to my grandmother's grave,
which was really special.
And, um, in Buddhist culture,
you honour the dead with food,
so every grave looks like
it's just ordered Uber Eats.
(LAUGHTER)
There's food all over them.
Ah, but my grandma,
we didn't bring her food.
She loved drinking
more than eating...
(LAUGHTER)
...so we brought her
two of her favourite beers,
um, just a couple of cans
of warm Carlsberg beer.
(LAUGHTER)
And my uncle was with us
at the time and he's like,
"Yeah, OK. Just open the beer
and pour it on her grave."
And I was like, "What?
"Ah, this feels
very disrespectful.
"Can't believe Chan
survived cancer
"so I could pour beer
on his mum's grave.
"And just like a lad's beer
too, just Carlsberg beer,
"like she's gonna watch
a Premier League game."
I could hear all the other
ghosts in the area being like,
"Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot,
shot, shot."
(LAUGHTER)
But the Asian part of me
was like,
"This is such an important
cultural experience.
"You know, I'm here with my dad
and my uncle and my auntie
"and we get to do this."
It was a really moving moment
and there were many moments
on that trip
that I... that affected me
and I said to Dad on the trip,
I was like...
I mean, there's not a lot that
ties me to Dad's culture.
Food is one of them.
Um, but I said to him,
"You have to teach me how
to cook all the family recipes
"because when you're gone,
how am I gonna eat?"
(LAUGHTER)
And he was like,
"Yeah, good point."
So when we got back to
Brisbane, that's what happened.
I went over to Mum and Dad's house
every weekend for a period of time
and he showed me how to cook
everything that he cooks
and that his mother used to cook
and, um, it was really special.
Well, he showed me.
I wasn't allowed to do anything.
I just had to watch
from a distance.
One time I got to stir
some curry
and a bit of gravy came out
and he called me useless!
(LAUGHTER)
He's like,
"Get out of my kitchen!"
It was very traumatic
for both of us.
But when you're cooking,
that's when memories come up
and that's when stories come up,
and he would tell me
how they used to live
and how when his mum
would come to Australia
she'd go to Dreamworld
and ride all the rollercoasters
and, um, she would start
drinking at 10 am
and she was always drunk
on the plane.
And I'm like, "Wow, these are
really weird memories
"to hand down to me, Dad."
But that's the thing,
you don't know what memories
are gonna be handed down.
You have no control over that.
Like, I'd hate... I'd hate for
someone to get up at my funeral
and say, "Well, she had
a lovely stable job
"and a lot of superannuation."
(LAUGHTER)
If that's you, you do you.
Superannuation, very important.
I know you're not meant to
think about your funeral,
ah, but I have.
Um, I've never thought
of myself in a wedding dress
but I have thought of myself
in a casket...
(LAUGHTER)
...in a wedding dress,
with a bunch of fake flowers
and a microphone
sticking out the top.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Pretty cool.
And I think I'd want my YouTube
brother to do my eulogy for me.
Yeah, he can just
beam it in from Bali.
- He doesn't...
- (LAUGHTER)
...have to come back for it.
I can just imagine him
doing it, too.
He'd be, um, just on the beach,
being like,
"Yeah, I've gotta... I've gotta
go do my sister's eulogy.
"Um, be back to play
the bongos soon, you guys.
Um, do you mind
recording this for me?
Will you be my assistant?
Thank you.
Yeah, sure.
She had no choice.
"Hey, everyone,
I'm the Batik Cowboy
"and in this week's lesson
of Learning With The Locals
"we're gonna check out some
of Indonesia's best fruits.
"But before we get
stuck into that durian,
"let's farewell
my little sister."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
"She was a great person,
"much like the people at Bali's
best day spa in downtown Kuta,
"perfect for those wanting
to rest their weary feet.
"She loved to travel
and she taught me
"to block out the non-believers.
"Nobody believed in me,
especially her..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...and look where I am today,
"at Bali's newest, safest
bungee jump.
"It's just behind me.
How good does it look?
"Come down for a jump.
I'll be here all day.
"Use code R-I-P Sis."
(LAUGHTER)
"Well, I've got to get back
to this fruit,
you've got to get back
to a wake.
"If anyone wants
my sister's shoes,
"they'll be at my brother's..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...exotic fish farm
in Melbourne.
"Free trainers
with every trout purchased.
"Bagus!
I'm the Batik Cowboy.
"Smash that like button,
hit subscribe, comment below.
"Stay safe, stay well.
"See ya next time."
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS, CHEERS
AND APPLAUDS)
I'm Lizzy Hoo, goodnight.
EMCEE: Alright,
you know what to do!
Smash your hands together
and welcome to the stage
Lizzy Hoo!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(WHISTLING)
Ohhhh.
Thank you.
We're at the Athenaeum!
What the fuck?
This is crazy.
Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.
Ah, I've got...
I've got big news.
Um, at the end of last year,
I quit my day job
to do full-time comedy.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- Thank you.
Thank you. Yes, thank you.
Ah, but my timing,
my timing wasn't so great.
I quit in November last year,
just before
the Omicron outbreak.
I was hopeful.
You know, I was hopeful.
It was like, 95% vax rate,
100 to 200 cases a day.
I thought, "This is the time
that I quit my day job
"and I do comedy full-time."
But, as we know,
COVID can be such a fuckboy.
(LAUGHTER)
You think you're over him and
then, bam, he's in your DMs.
I'm thinking about your lungs...
...and your grandma's lungs.
(LAUGHTER)
All your friends, they're
sick of you talking about him,
"COVID this, COVID that."
It's like, "Get over him, babe!
"He's only using you
for your body."
(LAUGHTER)
And I do believe
that COVID is a dude.
I do believe that...
...because he's had
two years to fix himself.
(LAUGHTER)
Two years.
Get some therapy, COVID.
Just comes back
with a man bun and a beard,
calls himself Omicron.
(LAUGHTER)
It's like, "We know it's you,
COVID."
Ah, speaking of cool guys,
my dad, Big Chan Hoo.
- Anyone know him?
- (AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
Oh, whoa, a few Chanactics
in tonight. I love that.
A few Chan fans.
He's a cool guy.
Loves to call me.
Loves to call me.
Calls me all the time.
I've got Daddy issues,
but good ones.
Ah, it's FaceTime mostly now
or top-of-his-head-time.
(LAUGHTER)
Just a lot of bare-chested
83-year-old time.
It's never face. Never face.
Our phone calls are
a lot of me saying,
"I can't see you, Dad,"
and him saying,
"Well, I can't hear you."
And then he'll say something
completely sane and normal,
like, "Hey, have I told you
about the time
"I got the monkey drunk?"
(LAUGHTER)
I'm like, "No, Chan,
but please, do tell."
I think my brothers and I,
we've been calling him Chan
since high school
because we are nothing
but deeply disrespectful...
(LAUGHTER)
...of hierarchy and culture.
My mum, my very white mum -
I want you to have
the right picture -
ah, my very white mum...
I'll never call her
by her first name.
I won't even say her name
in this show.
- Ah...
- (LAUGHTER)
But my phone calls
with her, I think,
are equally as entertaining.
I remember last year
I called her and I said,
"Hello, Mum, how are you?"
Fairly standard offering.
And she said, "Good, love.
Just trying not to die."
(LAUGHTER)
That's the spirit, Mum!
She's just over it.
She's lived enough.
There's nothing wrong with her,
she's just... she's just done.
And, to be fair, though,
to be fair,
for seniors, like,
for the last couple of years
it's been pretty tough for them.
We've all been trying not to
die and for seniors, more so.
For seniors, more so.
It was tough.
It was tough.
What were the options?
Go to Coles and get COVID,
or attempt an online shopping
order and have a heart attack?
(LAUGHTER)
They were the options.
Mum said to me, "Well, what
are you up to?" and I said,
"Well, I just quit my day job
to do full-time comedy."
And she said, "Wow!
That's amazing, Elizabeth!
"Life is about taking risks
and living.
"You can be whoever
you want to be."
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES THEN LAUGHS)
Said no Boomer ever.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Never.
This is what she said.
"Oh, no!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Oh, no, Eliz-
"Oh, why can't you do
something normal, Elizabeth?
"What about
your superannuation?"
(LAUGHTER)
All very good, boring,
valid points.
But I think I've called my mum
with way worse news
than, "I quit my day job."
It wasn't like when I was 22
and I called her
from an internet caf overseas.
(MAKES INTERNET DIAL-UP SOUND)
It's like, "Hey, Mum.
Yeah, it's me.
"Just giving you a call now
"because you might not hear
from me for a couple of months,
"because me, Liza and Sarah,
"yeah, we've bought a van
for $500
"and we're gonna drive it
from Canada to Mexico."
(LAUGHTER)
I even told her it was
gonna cost us $1,000
but something went wrong
with the car,
so the guy gave it to us
cheaper.
(LAUGHTER)
And she was on board, she said,
"Yes, go and have an adventure.
"Enjoy yourself."
I guess she was younger,
I was younger.
You could say she was
a little too unfazed.
I mean, she did hitchhike
through South-East Asia
in the '70s.
That is how she met my dad.
Yeah.
My dad was a travelling salesman
and his friend
called him up and said,
"Hey, do you wanna take
these two hot Aussie chicks
"to Penang?"
(LAUGHTER)
And he said, "Yeah."
(LAUGHTER)
You know, so having your own car
and travelling through
a developed country
was, by Mum's standards,
pretty lame.
If it's not gonna leave you
with a husband
and three children,
eh, is it really
that interesting?
(LAUGHTER)
I think she'd be scared
if I was doing that today.
I would be scared
if I was doing that today.
I've watched all three seasons
of Narcos.
(LAUGHTER)
But my parents,
they're getting older.
My dad's 83, my mum's 76,
and, look, nobody
really prepares you
for watching
your parents get older.
It happens really quickly.
It's kinda like watching kids
grow up,
but in reverse and not as fun,
you know?
Baby's first steps
and Mum's first fall.
(APPALLED LAUGHTER)
Not really the same
camera-ready moment.
OK, some of you are on board.
- (LAUGHTER)
- It's a room-splitter.
My point is that your parents
get old quickly
and it happens, like, in the
blink of an eye, you know?
And it was only 15 years ago
that Mum and I,
we skydived to her
60th birthday party.
How cool is that? Yeah.
She said, "I wanna skydive
to my 60th birthday party,"
and 22-year-old
Elizabeth's like,
"Well, I can't let my mum
skydive before me."
You know, I was meant to be
the risk-taker
in this relationship.
So I stole some of her thunder
and I went with her.
You know,
other 60-year-olds though,
they might just organise
a high tea
or go on a cruise
with some friends.
My mum thought,
"Get me to the drop zone.
"I wanna jump out of
a tiny plane
"with a dreadlocked guy
they call Dangerous Dan
"strapped to my back,
"yelling at me every 30 seconds
"to do shakas
into a camcorder..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...so he can later sell me
a VHS
"of my cheeks rippling
in the wind."
(LAUGHTER)
That was the main difference
between our videos that we got.
My cheeks, 22, hardly moved,
supple, so good, so tight.
Mum's cheeks... (PUFFS)...
...like an umbrella
in a cyclone.
(LAUGHTER)
I should say too
that our car trip to Mexico,
it wasn't like your #vanlife
that you see on Instagram today.
We didn't have Instagram,
obviously.
We hardly had internet.
We didn't even have
a flip-phone.
We could have, it was 2006, ah,
but we decided
we didn't need one
on our 3,000km journey.
"We'll just go with the flow,
man,
"reverse charge my parents
if we need to."
(LAUGHTER)
The only personal insurance
that we had
was leaving behind
our rogue friend, Tracy.
Yeah, Trace.
Ah, she went out on a bender
the night before
and she didn't turn up,
so we just left without her.
(LAUGHTER)
We didn't have a phone,
we couldn't call her,
we didn't know where she was,
so as soon as she was about
two minutes late, we're like,
- "Oh, yeah, we..."
- (LAUGHTER)
"...we gotta get outta here."
But now I'm at that age where,
if my parents call me
too much, I get scared.
I get scared.
And I remember last year, Dad,
he called me twice
within 24 hours
and even by Chan's standards,
that's too many times.
Like, either something terrible
has happened,
or he's seen one of my
primary school friends' parents
at Carindale Shopping Centre...
(LAUGHTER)
...and he just had to tell me.
But this was
neither of those things.
It was neither of those things.
He called me to tell me
that Mum had given him
a bag of her friend's
recently-deceased
husband's shoes.
(LAUGHTER)
Just some dead guy's shoes
from one of Mum's friends
at aquarobics.
Yeah, we've got tennis shoes,
good going-out leather shoes,
sandals,
the whole spectrum
of what an old man could
possibly cover his feet with
just wedged into this green
Woolies bag.
Chan was calling me. He was
losing his mind on the phone.
He was like, "I don't wanna
wear this guy's shoes!"
I'm on the other end thinking,
"Is this what life becomes,
"hand-me-downs
from the dead?"
Who would've thought that
seniors' fitness
was just Marketplace for widows?
"Come for the arm curls
and chitty-chat,
"stay for the free footwear."
"Does anyone want Ray's shoes?
"Anyone?"
At my gym, someone
got engaged recently.
That's the stage of life I'm at.
And we knew because
she walked in like this.
(LAUGHTER)
And we all gathered round going,
"Oh, my gosh,
how did it happen?"
And she said, "Well, last year,
when we were in Fiji,
"I said, 'Listen, Steve."'
(LAUGHTER)
"'We've been together
for three-and-a-half years
"'and we're in
a tropical island location
"'and you seem to have not
brought a ring with you?'"
(LAUGHTER)
"'What the fuck is going on,
Steve?
"'Do you even love me?
"'If you don't propose to me
in the next six months,
"'I'm gonna lose my down payment
"'on our reception venue."'
(LAUGHTER)
And then, six months later,
"Wow!"
I'm not really that into
marriage, but I love the drama.
You know, fast-forward 50 years
though, same lady from the gym,
she's gonna be asking,
"Does anyone want
Steve's shoes?"
(LAUGHTER)
"Anyone? Gotta get to Fiji
with the girls."
Look, I'm not surprised
that my mum gave my dad
a bag of dead guy's shoes.
I'm not surprised.
She's a very practical woman.
She's from the country.
I don't know, does that make
you practical? I don't know.
She's a practical...
She's a practical woman.
She gives sunscreen
as a Christmas present,
that's how practical she is.
I can just imagine her
giving the shoes to Dad,
being like, "Here's some shoes.
"These will last you
the rest of your life."
(LAUGHTER)
We're very... We're very open
about death in our house
and, um, I thought all families
were like that
until my boyfriend
said to me one day,
"Hey, can you guys
stop discussing
"the ways in which
you're gonna die?"
I was like, "What?
"Mum said she didn't have
funeral insurance,
"so we said we'd just sling her
off a bridge."
(LAUGHTER)
"That is perfectly acceptable
dinner table conversation."
In the Hoo house,
we walk around saying,
"Oh, Mum, this vintage lamp
here,
"can I have that
when you're done with it?"
(LAUGHTER)
She's like, "Sure, put
a Post-It note on it!
"Let everyone know it's yours."
Very open about death
in our house
and I think I was introduced to
the idea at quite a young age,
um, when I...
It was an OK experience for me,
too.
When I was four years old,
ah, my parents,
they sent me to Malaysia
to farewell my dying grandma.
She was the last
of my grandparents.
The other three died
before I was born,
so my parents really wanted me
to have a memory of at least
one of my grandparents.
And I'm really thankful
for that,
I'm really glad that they had
the foresight to do that.
But I look back on that
occasion now,
as an adult, and I think, "Wow!
"That is a heavy concept for
a four-year-old to deal with."
You know, we'll swap the
sandpit for the hospital ward,
Play-Doh for prayers.
You know, I've heard some
parents even shelter their kids
from their pets' death.
"Oh, we'll just send Rex
to a farm in Queensland."
My parents were sending me
into the epicentre,
like a foreign correspondent.
They're like, "How does that
sound, litle Lizzy?"
And I'm like,
"Yeah, I'm on board."
My favourite show at the time
was Carmen Sandiego,
so popping up in an overseas
location felt like my destiny.
(LAUGHTER)
And there I was, little Lizzy,
living my best
four-year-old life,
sinking Ribenas with my cousins
in South-East Asia
- in my Australia flag shirt...
- (LAUGHTER)
...like the true
Queensland bogan I was.
I was on pre-schoolies.
(LAUGHTER)
The photo album that Mum
made of the trip.
In her handwriting,
on the front cover,
it says, "Chan And Liz Trip To
Malaysia When Nanny Died."
(LAUGHTER)
And then inside it's me,
having the time of my life!
(LAUGHTER)
I'm posing for photos
outside of shops
in my fresh Mickey Mouse
two-piece.
Got my aunties taking me
to actual gold shops
at the request of my grandma
to get some of that
sweet, sweet Chinese gold.
I had Chinese bracelets,
necklaces, earrings.
I was drippin'.
I was like this little
blinged-up Asian Ja Rule,
wandering the mean streets
of Penang,
talking about how
the game's changed...
(LAUGHTER)
...now that Aussie Hoo
was in town.
I was meant to be feeling sad.
I was feeling myself.
(LAUGHTER)
I remember we went
to my uncle's house there,
we stayed there and, um,
every morning this noodle guy
would come to the house.
It was like an ice-cream van,
but noodles,
and I got to eat my
favourite food every morning.
I was reporting back to Mum.
I was like,
"Yeah, she's pretty sick.
"And, more importantly...
"...you can shove
your cornflakes."
(LAUGHTER)
"I'm never eating porridge
again."
(LAUGHTER)
"And how many grandmas
do you get...
"...'cause I want some more
jewellery?"
(LAUGHTER)
Look, that story,
it came up for me recently
in an acting class.
That's right. (SNORTS)
- (LAUGHTER)
- I'm acting.
More classes than acting,
I'll be honest.
But in the class, we had to do
this exercise
where we had to write down
our first happiest
childhood memory...
(LAUGHTER)
...and that's the one
I wrote about...
(LAUGHTER)
...the time my grandma
died.
It's what she would've wanted.
I'm doing...
I'm doing acting classes,
um, so I can work more
as a comic
and, from what I've...
from what I've noticed,
ah, from my experiences
of an acting class,
if you want a really good
comedy show -
I'm really happy that you're
here tonight, but my hot tip
if you want a really great
comedy show
is to enrol in some
adult acting classes.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, my God, delusional!
(LAUGHTER)
Absolutely delusional.
I think the main difference
between actors and comedians,
from my experience,
is that actors
believe in themselves.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, they just sit there
in their linen, thinking,
"If I manifest this
and do Pilates, it will come."
And comedians,
we hate ourselves...
(LAUGHTER)
...but we could work
every single night of the week
if we wanted to.
I will drive an hour to
a shitty pub in Geelong
so that when Gary
looks up from his schnitzel...
(LAUGHTER)
...someone is there
to entertain him.
(LAUGHTER)
I will do that for the community
every night of the week.
No, I'm doing...
I'm doing acting classes
so I can work more as a comic,
because I wanna give this a go.
I need to make some more
money as a comic.
I don't give a fuck
about the craft of acting.
(LAUGHTER)
I give a fuck about the craft
of a contract.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, so I'm doing
acting classes
so I can work more as a comic
because I'm not ready
to log back into LinkedIn
just yet, OK?
I'm not ready.
I've got to give this a go.
I'm not ready to go
back to the office.
I'm not ready.
But even if I was working,
I don't think I'd ever wanna
go back to the office.
I think offices are weird
little ecosystems.
There's a lot of bottom-feeders
and sharks,
all just trying to feed
their families.
And we had to do these
personality tests at my work
so that we could all co-exist
a little bit more.
You might've done one before,
like a Myers-Briggs
or 12 white wines after work,
no dinner.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, that is my favourite
window into somebody's soul.
But we did this test
where you were labelled
a colour at the end.
You could be one of
four different colours
and I was labelled yellow...
(LAUGHTER)
...which I thought was quite
r-aa-cist.
(LAUGHTER)
My boss said to me,
"You're a yellow."
I was like, "Whoa!
"2021, mate."
But, apparently,
being a yellow employee,
according to the report, ah,
means that I'm creative,
a team player.
One of the notes in the report
said that I was a daily source
of inspiration.
I know.
I'm pretty much Gandhi at work.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm all, "Be the change
you wanna see
"in that report, Shane.
"Be the comma, huh?"
(LAUGHTER)
"Let the sentence... breathe."
(LAUGHTER)
But I'd never want to go
back to my office
because it was quite small,
10 to 15 people,
and there were no boundaries
anymore.
- We got too close.
- (LAUGHTER)
No boundaries.
Like my colleague Brad.
He had a value pack
of Metamucil...
(LAUGHTER)
...just sitting on his desk.
A value pack of Meta-
What kind of big-dick energy
is that?
Just 114 doses
of orange-flavoured
psyllium husk...
...so Brad could have
a spring in his step.
(LAUGHTER)
You know, I would go to the
kitchenette and make a Dilmah.
He would come in
and violently whip up
- some stool softener...
- (LAUGHTER)
...and then we'd talk about
what projects we had on.
It's like, "I know exactly what
you've got on, Brad."
(LAUGHTER)
It was unfair.
I have to rifle through my
handbag and get out a tampon
and conceal it in my pocket
and shuffle to the toilet...
...because I'm ashamed.
Brad?
(LAUGHTER)
He may as well be like,
"Listen up, everyone.
"Sue, Carol, I got
something to say.
"I'm gonna do
a slippery shit later..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...and I'm gonna enjoy it."
Oh, man, I'd love to have that
Brad level of confidence,
that level of fearlessness
in the workplace.
I would love to have my
32 bulk pack of Libra supers
just fuckin' there...
...so that I could say to
everyone,
"Hello, I've got something
to say.
"Ah, my spidey senses,
"they're telling me
that my tampon
"has reached max capac..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...and I need to go to the
toilet to get on with my day."
I think... I think, personally,
that is the true measure
of gender parity in the
workplace, you know?
I don't care how many men named
Peter or Paul are on boards
greater than the number
of women alone.
I don't care about
those statistics.
I care if Shane,
your male boss, says,
"Hey, I'm popping to the shops,
do you need anything?"
"Actually I do
"and if you could put those
on petty cash..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...that'd really help me out."
I think the only way...
The only way that I'd get
back to the office,
the only way you'd get me back
into the office,
is if we could commute
via rollercoaster.
(LAUGHTER)
It's a little bit out there.
Hear me out.
Ah, I think that's what
we need in the morning,
a slap in the face to remind us
that life is fun.
You know, you wouldn't have any
of these weird conversations,
like, "Oh, don't talk to me,
I haven't had my coffee yet,"
when you've had the absolute
wits scared out of you.
"How was the trip in,
Pete?"
"Fuckin' sick!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Kid vomited on me, Liz,
but I feel alive!
"Let's take this company
to the next level!"
Can you imagine
that morale in the office?
I'd love that.
Brad would love that.
It'd get him moving.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm a big rides person.
Love rides, love rides.
Done some of
the big ones in my time,
um, Turbo,
Brisbane Ekka circa '94.
Ah, Dreamworld Giant Drop,
Wipeout.
Same day.
Um...
Wish I'd gone to the US
as a kid, done the big boys -
Six Flags, Universal Studios,
Disneyland.
'Cause you remember
that kid in primary school...
...that went to America?
(LAUGHTER)
Yell out their names,
get 'em off your chest.
(LAUGHTER)
OK, I'll go first.
Maddie Myers.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah. And the whole term
we were fixated on this kid,
we were fixated on this kid.
They were going to America.
We knew everything
about their trip.
And on our holidays,
we were thinking about them.
We were like, "Wednesday,
where's Maddie now?
"Oh, Universal Studios, awesome!
"Tomorrow, Santa Monica,
amazing!"
And then after the holidays,
they got to headline
show and tell, obviously,
because they had
the best holiday.
They would get up there
and be like,
"Yeah, my stepdad, Troy..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...took me and my mum
to America.
"I got a snow globe
for everyone."
Boom, primary school Oprah,
just like, "Yeah,"
flinging snow globes
across the classroom.
(LAUGHTER)
I would get up there,
after the holidays,
and say, "Yeah, um, well,
I didn't go to America
"but I did go overseas once,
when my grandma died."
(LAUGHTER)
"Here's the photo album,
pass it round."
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, ah, but last holidays,
we actually just went camping
with my church.
Mum let me have
Nutella sandwiches all week
and I came third in the
sandcastle competition.
You could say
the biggest rollercoaster
at church camp...
...was probably Mum's menopause.
(LAUGHTER)
Look, now that I'm
"following my dream"...
...ah, the hardest part
of "following your dream"
is telling people about it.
Oh, my gosh, you feel so stupid.
You're like,
"Yeah, I'm gonna, um,
"quit my corporate day job
to do stand-up comedy."
And all your colleagues
will go, "Really?
"You?"
(LAUGHTER)
"I didn't see that for you!
"Really? 'Cause you're not,
like, that funny."
(LAUGHTER)
The naysayers and
non-believers are out there.
You've got to block them out.
I'm sure when Mum said,
"I want to skydive to
my 60th birthday party,"
heaps of people said, "Oh,
that's a bit much, isn't it?"
When we said we were gonna
drive from Canada to Mexico,
so many people told us,
"Oh, you're not gonna make it."
- They'd seen the car, right?
- (LAUGHTER)
"Not a chance."
When I left my office job,
I got one of these big,
giant, good-luck cards
that I had to pretend
I couldn't see everyone signing.
I was like...
(LAUGHTER)
"...just pretend
I'm not here, guys.
"I'm not here."
Part of me thinks,
"Seven years I worked here
"and you just organised the
card in the last 20 minutes."
(LAUGHTER)
"You pricks."
But inside the card
there were these beautiful
messages from my colleagues,
like, "Good luck. Don't forget
us when you're famous.
"We'll come to your show."
One of those colleagues still
sends me job ads on Seek.
(LAUGHTER)
Every week, just flicks me
an email, "Thinking of you."
(LAUGHTER)
I appreciate the concern, I do.
I do appreciate the concern,
'cause I think I'd be
a bit the same.
I'd be a bit the same
because I'm guilty of not
believing in those around me.
You know, I'm all for people
taking risks, to their faces.
"Oh, condiments business?
Amazing idea.
"Awesome.
4am start at the market?
"Woo! Good on you, babe.
Yeah."
Behind their back
I'm telling everyone,
"I've been to their house
for dinner."
(LAUGHTER)
little bit taste.com.au
(LAUGHTER)
That's mean, isn't it?
That's a bit mean.
- And it's meant to be.
- (LAUGHTER)
I'm part-Malaysian,
that's what we do.
We critique our
family's food for fun.
That's why it's the best food
in the world, you know?
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo!
- Yeah.
A few, yes, agree.
Laksa just didn't happen
overnight.
(LAUGHTER)
You know, laksa
probably started out
as some family member
giving another one
a bowl of hot coconut milk...
(LAUGHTER)
...and then that person had
a... (SIPS) ...little sip
and was like,
"That's disgusting!
"Are you gonna do
anything to this,
"put some lemongrass,
some spices?
"What's going on here?"
And then this cycle of
humiliation and improvement...
(LAUGHTER)
...happened over generations
to get the laksa
that we have today.
- (LAUGHTER)
- That is a fact.
No, it's not. I made it up.
(LAUGHTER)
I have to tell you guys,
'cause, ah, one audience I had
- went, "Oh."
- (LAUGHTER)
No, I'm all for people
taking risks, to their faces.
My brother, my brother,
he started a YouTube
travel channel.
That's right. He did that.
He started a YouTube
travel channel.
He left his stable job in
Singapore and he moved to Bali
to start a YouTube travel vlog
during a pandemic.
(LAUGHTER)
Travel vlog mid
global health crisis.
To his face, we were like,
"Yeah, bro."
(LAUGHTER)
"Chase your dreams.
Good luck. Yeah, awesome!"
Behind his back, wow,
family chat spawning.
- (LAUGHTER)
- All the combos possible.
Mum, me. Dad, me.
Brother, me.
We were like, "Is he OK?
Should we go over?
"What's going on?"
My dad, Chan,
was roasting him in the chat.
(LAUGHTER)
He was saying,
"I get more views than you."
(LAUGHTER)
For his little ukulele videos
that he films from, like,
this angle.
And, to be fair, at one point,
Chan was getting more views.
(LAUGHTER)
But now his YouTube channel
is actually doing really well.
It's got like
100,000 subscribers,
he's learnt the language,
he's learnt how to use all this
software and camera equipment,
and now my dad, he's so proud,
he shares his videos
to his 120 followers
and says things like,
"Follow your dreams.
"Keep going, boy."
We only celebrate winners
in the Hoo house.
You really do have to
prove yourself.
Um, my other brother,
I've got two older brothers,
and this other brother,
he's a bit older than me,
he's like 11 years older
than me,
and, um, he also had a dream.
He did, yeah.
Ah, he lives here and during
one of the many lockdowns,
ah, he had a dream.
He started a trout farm...
(LAUGHTER)
...in his backyard...
(LAUGHTER)
...in an above-ground pool...
(LAUGHTER)
...in his rental.
(LAUGHTER)
Everyone else was making
sourdough and doing puzzles.
My brother was thinking,
"Where are you gonna get
your omega-3s, huh?
If you teach a man to fish
in an above-ground pool,
he will last a lockdown.
(LAUGHTER)
I know you have a lot
of questions. I'll answer them.
(LAUGHTER)
He bou-He went to this
trout facility
about two hours from Melbourne
and they were real suss on him.
They were like, "Who's this
new player in the trout game?"
(LAUGHTER)
And he bought about 20 trout.
So think little goldfish
in a plastic bag,
but on a commercial scale.
And then he drove these trout
home and I said to him,
"Did you put the trout in, like,
"an esky or some sort of box
in the car?"
He said, "Nah.
Just put them in the back."
So these trout are just like...
...rolling around the back
of his car for two hours.
Gets them home,
empties his pool,
fills it with some tap water.
(LAUGHTER)
Then he goes and forages
for some river reeds
at the Darebin Creek...
(LAUGHTER)
...brings them back and sort
of places them in the pool,
sparingly, to mimic the trout's
natural environment,
to cover the bright blue
bottom of the pool.
And then he just...
...lobbed these fish in,
hoping that they would procreate
and he would become
the John West of Reservoir.
(LAUGHTER)
- All the fish died...
- (LAUGHTER)
...the next day.
(LAUGHTER)
But this is the thing,
he believed in his dream.
He believed in the world ending
and his food security dream
manifesting.
He had visions of frail,
undernourished neighbours
coming to his house, just like,
"Is this the one?"
"Yeah, this is the one.
"The one with the succulents
and the cat."
And then he would open
his trap window,
and be like, "Who sent you?
Did anyone see you coming?
"OK, come in."
He said to me, he said,
"What about all the kids
"that wanna try fishing
for the first time?
"Something they'd only heard
about in the before years?"
(LAUGHTER)
It's like, "I guess
that's a reason."
So he did the four-hour
round trip again.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)
It's 100% true.
He did the four-hour
round trip again.
He went back to
the trout facility
and this time they're like,
"Who the fuck are you, man?
"Who's this new
trout guy in town?"
He got 20 more trout,
drove them home, thinking,
"Where did I go wrong?"
(LAUGHTER)
Didn't change anything
about the setup.
(LAUGHTER)
Threw 'em in.
Wakes up the next day.
- Dead.
- (LAUGHTER)
One lasted five days, he said.
I'm like, "You've gotta
celebrate your wins."
But if you speak to him
about it now,
he's still
so straight-faced about it.
He's like, "Yeah, well,
I think where I went wrong
"was the temperature
control from farm to pool."
I was like,
"I think there were
a lot of other factors..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...at play."
I don't know.
Maybe he's a visionary.
I think it's a pretty cool idea
if he pulled it off.
You know out of all
my siblings' ideas
the one that my parents
were thrilled about?
Yeah, trout farm.
(LAUGHTER)
They loved it. They were like,
"Wow, what a great idea!
"Oh, my God, we're gonna
have to come and live with you!
"Fish are so expensive.
Wow!
"Trout farm? Woo, yes!
We love the trout farm!"
Oh, and I still have to do
quite a lot of convincing
that comedy is a viable career.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm the only person
who's ever gonna make money
off the trout farm.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
AND CHEERING)
Oh, look, some dreams
don't come true.
They don't. Ah, trout farm?
I don't know,
maybe it'll come true one day.
Some dreams don't come true,
but some do.
I think the most important
thing is that you tried.
Ah, we never made it to Mexico.
(LAUGHTER)
I know. Tracy made it.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, she did.
Caught a plane. Woo!
Smartest one out of all of us.
Yeah, we came very close,
though.
We came four hours
from the border.
The Mexican border, by the way,
ah, not the Canadian border.
We got a fair way
in that $500 car.
We were pretty proud
of ourselves
but my most sensible friend
on the trip, Sarah,
she said several times
throughout the trip,
"Hey, I don't think
we should be driving our car
"into Mexico."
And me and Liza,
the other girl, were like,
"Um, give me one reason
"why we shouldn't be
driving our $500 car
"into Mexico."
And she said,
"Um, drug cartels?"
We were like,
"Um, exciting!"
Imagine that call home to Mum.
- "Hola, Mama."
- (LAUGHTER)
Sorry, my Spanish,
it slips in and out.
(LAUGHTER)
"Yeah, my husband, Pedro,
he needs $20,000
"if you ever wanna see me
again."
(LAUGHTER)
And then it's just Mum
and Dangerous Dan
skydiving in to save me.
Amazing.
It would make a good movie.
The Three Amigas,
an all-Aussie adventure.
My acting classes
could pay off. I could play...
I could play myself.
It'd be amazing.
Or Chris Lilley could play me.
I don't know.
(LAUGHTER)
If he's avails.
I think... I think my parents
are OK with me doing comedy now
because I'm 38 and
they've lost all control. Um...
Thank you, I look amazing.
Um...
No, I think my dad is OK
with me doing comedy now
because, yeah, he's old.
He's 83 and I genuinely
think that, um...
About ten years ago, ah...
...we nearly lost him.
And, um, it was really
touch and go there for a while
and I think he's got
a new lease on life from it.
He had colon cancer.
Ah, we came very close
to packing up his man sandals...
(LAUGHTER)
...and taking them
to Mum's aquarobics class.
(LAUGHTER)
Ah, I was in...
I was in Thailand at the time,
doing my scuba diving licence.
Very important.
And, um, when your mum says,
"I think you should come home,"
you come home, right?
Ah, my brother, YouTube guy,
he was living in Thailand
at the time
and he didn't come home
and Chan never forgets...
(LAUGHTER)
...because I like to remind him.
(LAUGHTER)
I just casually sprinkle it
into conversation.
"Oh, yeah, tell me about
the monkey again, Dad.
"And do you remember that time
Damien didn't come home
"when you had cancer?"
And he says,
"Yes, my favourite."
(LAUGHTER)
"I do."
So I flew in from Thailand
and I went straight
to the hospital.
He'd just had an operation
and I really wasn't prepared
for what I was flying into,
um...
And you'd think I'd cry in this
situation. I'm a big crier.
Nearly cried when I was walking
onstage tonight.
A big crier.
I cry in all the big moments,
like America's Got Talent, um,
Call The Midwife
Christmas Special every year.
I went to a circus show
at Adelaide Fringe Festival...
...and I lost it.
- (LAUGHTER)
- I did.
I lost it when these two
hula hoopers came out.
Let me paint the scene.
Full face of makeup, leotard,
sparkling tights,
just wow, they were giving it.
- They were just like...
- (LAUGHTER)
...ten hula hoops on each limb,
just...
(LAUGHTER)
...giving it.
I was sitting there and I was
like, "Oh, my God."
"These hula hoopers
are bringing us so much joy."
(LAUGHTER)
Luckily, I was wearing a mask
so my tears were getting
caught by the mask.
I was sitting there thinking,
"Oh, my God,
"they haven't been able to
hula hoop...
"...for, like, two years."
(LAUGHTER)
And I was so affected by
the experience that I, like,
I was compelled to tell them.
Like I had to...
Not like a Google review,
like real life.
So I just waited.
I waited outside
their circus tent.
I waited for them to come...
They took, like,
half an hour to come out.
And then they finally came out,
I was like, "Hey!
"It's me from the front row,
yeah.
"I really loved
your hula hooping."
(MOCK SOBS)
"You brought every single
person in that tent
"a lot of joy tonight.
"You should be really proud."
And then they started crying.
And I started crying.
And then I just, like, left.
(LAUGHTER)
I was so embarrassed.
I can never see them again.
So you would think seeing
my sick dad in hospital
would be a time
that I would cry,
ah, but my brother, luckily,
my brother, my trout farm
brother, just as we...
Yeah.
Just as we went in to
Dad's room,
he turned to me and he said,
"Just so you know,
Chan looks like Gandhi."
(LAUGHTER)
And I hadn't even processed
what he'd just said
and we walk in and I see
my dad there.
I'm like, "Oh, my gosh."
The seriousness
of the situation hit me
and I was like, "Oh, my..."
He had tubes hooked up to him.
He was sort of sucking on
this little Sustagen popper,
he's in like
a white hospital gown.
He looked...
He was like 45 kilos.
Like, I hadn't seen him
for a year. He was so thin.
And then I could feel my body
start to react.
I could feel it in my throat,
my face started to burn,
and then I just burst out
laughing.
(LAUGHTER)
Because he did, in fact...
(LAUGHTER)
...look a lot like Gandhi.
(LAUGHTER)
And Chan was like,
"Why are you laughing at me?"
- (LAUGHTER)
- "I just had an operation!
"You can't laugh at me!"
And we were all laughing
and Mum just said,
"Well, Simon just told Elizabeth
"you look like Gandhi."
He's like, "Stop it,
I'm not allowed to laugh."
But we were all laughing.
We were having a good time.
We were all like,
Mum was laughing,
my brother was laughing,
I was laughing.
And my other brother?
(LAUGHTER)
He wasn't there.
(LAUGHTER)
Chan lived before he had cancer,
ah, but post-cancer,
he's living.
He is living and the dark part
of my brain thinks,
"Is that what we need in life,
a little touch with death,
"a little peek at the light,
"a little amuse-bouche
of rock bottom?"
You know, have you ever met
a shark attack survivor
who hasn't turned it around?
Like, Dad, he lived before,
now he's really living.
He found his passion
when he recovered, the ukulele.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Well, Mum found it for him.
She said, "You've gotta
do something, Chan.
"You can't just sit here
all day and watch Parliament."
- (LAUGHTER)
- That's what he loved to do.
So Mum found him
this ukulele class.
Chan loved it.
Now Mum regrets it.
(LAUGHTER)
It turns out your husband
perfecting La Vie En Rose
in a fake French accent can get
pretty fuckin' annoying.
(LAUGHTER)
But he's so into it.
He loves it.
He open-mics
more than I open-mic.
He goes to, ah, Spanish lessons,
so he can sing
Spanish love songs.
He's got vocal class.
He's got guitar class.
He's out. He's all...
He's out all the time.
And he goes to these open mics.
I went to one with him and,
you know, they just sit there,
they have their dinner,
a little ros,
they have their ukulele
beside them.
And there's not even, like,
a list, like an order list,
like a run sheet for everyone
to get up.
They just go up
when they feel like it.
It's like, "How many times
do you go up there, Chan?"
He's like,
"Oh, about five or six times."
(LAUGHTER)
Like, that's too many times.
That's like 30 minutes
of just Chan.
But he loves it.
But I think...
I think when you...
...when you nearly lose
a parent,
ah, you feel like you've got
a second chance with them.
And I remember I said to Dad,
"When you recover,
let's go back to Malaysia,
"me and you."
So, you know, I can get to
know him a bit more,
um, go back a second time,
just me and him,
without the death stuff.
(LAUGHTER)
And I think when Mum expressed
some interest in the trip,
his exact words to her were,
"No outsiders."
(LAUGHTER)
She got the hint.
She didn't come.
But we went.
We had the best trip.
We did, we had the best trip.
We ate what we wanted,
went to see the sights
where they got married,
where my brother was born,
where they used to live,
where they used to get
their car serviced,
you know, all the big...
all the big-hitters.
And we finally, ah, we finally
went to my grandmother's grave,
which was really special.
And, um, in Buddhist culture,
you honour the dead with food,
so every grave looks like
it's just ordered Uber Eats.
(LAUGHTER)
There's food all over them.
Ah, but my grandma,
we didn't bring her food.
She loved drinking
more than eating...
(LAUGHTER)
...so we brought her
two of her favourite beers,
um, just a couple of cans
of warm Carlsberg beer.
(LAUGHTER)
And my uncle was with us
at the time and he's like,
"Yeah, OK. Just open the beer
and pour it on her grave."
And I was like, "What?
"Ah, this feels
very disrespectful.
"Can't believe Chan
survived cancer
"so I could pour beer
on his mum's grave.
"And just like a lad's beer
too, just Carlsberg beer,
"like she's gonna watch
a Premier League game."
I could hear all the other
ghosts in the area being like,
"Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot,
shot, shot."
(LAUGHTER)
But the Asian part of me
was like,
"This is such an important
cultural experience.
"You know, I'm here with my dad
and my uncle and my auntie
"and we get to do this."
It was a really moving moment
and there were many moments
on that trip
that I... that affected me
and I said to Dad on the trip,
I was like...
I mean, there's not a lot that
ties me to Dad's culture.
Food is one of them.
Um, but I said to him,
"You have to teach me how
to cook all the family recipes
"because when you're gone,
how am I gonna eat?"
(LAUGHTER)
And he was like,
"Yeah, good point."
So when we got back to
Brisbane, that's what happened.
I went over to Mum and Dad's house
every weekend for a period of time
and he showed me how to cook
everything that he cooks
and that his mother used to cook
and, um, it was really special.
Well, he showed me.
I wasn't allowed to do anything.
I just had to watch
from a distance.
One time I got to stir
some curry
and a bit of gravy came out
and he called me useless!
(LAUGHTER)
He's like,
"Get out of my kitchen!"
It was very traumatic
for both of us.
But when you're cooking,
that's when memories come up
and that's when stories come up,
and he would tell me
how they used to live
and how when his mum
would come to Australia
she'd go to Dreamworld
and ride all the rollercoasters
and, um, she would start
drinking at 10 am
and she was always drunk
on the plane.
And I'm like, "Wow, these are
really weird memories
"to hand down to me, Dad."
But that's the thing,
you don't know what memories
are gonna be handed down.
You have no control over that.
Like, I'd hate... I'd hate for
someone to get up at my funeral
and say, "Well, she had
a lovely stable job
"and a lot of superannuation."
(LAUGHTER)
If that's you, you do you.
Superannuation, very important.
I know you're not meant to
think about your funeral,
ah, but I have.
Um, I've never thought
of myself in a wedding dress
but I have thought of myself
in a casket...
(LAUGHTER)
...in a wedding dress,
with a bunch of fake flowers
and a microphone
sticking out the top.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Pretty cool.
And I think I'd want my YouTube
brother to do my eulogy for me.
Yeah, he can just
beam it in from Bali.
- He doesn't...
- (LAUGHTER)
...have to come back for it.
I can just imagine him
doing it, too.
He'd be, um, just on the beach,
being like,
"Yeah, I've gotta... I've gotta
go do my sister's eulogy.
"Um, be back to play
the bongos soon, you guys.
Um, do you mind
recording this for me?
Will you be my assistant?
Thank you.
Yeah, sure.
She had no choice.
"Hey, everyone,
I'm the Batik Cowboy
"and in this week's lesson
of Learning With The Locals
"we're gonna check out some
of Indonesia's best fruits.
"But before we get
stuck into that durian,
"let's farewell
my little sister."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
"She was a great person,
"much like the people at Bali's
best day spa in downtown Kuta,
"perfect for those wanting
to rest their weary feet.
"She loved to travel
and she taught me
"to block out the non-believers.
"Nobody believed in me,
especially her..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...and look where I am today,
"at Bali's newest, safest
bungee jump.
"It's just behind me.
How good does it look?
"Come down for a jump.
I'll be here all day.
"Use code R-I-P Sis."
(LAUGHTER)
"Well, I've got to get back
to this fruit,
you've got to get back
to a wake.
"If anyone wants
my sister's shoes,
"they'll be at my brother's..."
(LAUGHTER)
"...exotic fish farm
in Melbourne.
"Free trainers
with every trout purchased.
"Bagus!
I'm the Batik Cowboy.
"Smash that like button,
hit subscribe, comment below.
"Stay safe, stay well.
"See ya next time."
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS, CHEERS
AND APPLAUDS)
I'm Lizzy Hoo, goodnight.