Lloyd the Conqueror (2011) Movie Script
[ SKATEBOARDING ]
ANDY:
It is here where our story begins.
A magical land that knew
peace for many, many years.
The sport of larping,
also known as
Live action role playing,
Was enjoyed across the
countryside by all who played.
(JOYFUL LAUGHTER)
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
But a shadow soon
fell over the land.
The dark one, Derek,
began his study of the larp,
Twisting its rules
to ensure victory.
His success
attracted many admirers,
Who easily became acolytes
in what was known as
The black crusade.
(YELLING AND CHEERING)
(WARRIORS YELLING)
ANDY: And the spirit of the game
was lost with their coming.
Fear replaced fun.
And treachery
replaced teamwork.
Holy shit.
(APPLAUSE)
ANDY:
Derek's grip grew stronger each year,
Until none
questioned his might.
And yet, whispers of change
are heard in the wind.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Can it be that a champion will
stand against the dark one?
And if so, is there
any chance of victory?
Kicking, kicking.
Kicking.
Yes. Good job.
Good job.
Ha, ha, ha.
- Ha!
- Oh!
[SWORDS CLANGING]
Stop it, Patrick,
you're making me lose.
Don't blame me
for your suckitude.
Oh sweet, I have
a gun in each hand.
Hammer brothers.
[SWORD SLASH AND SCREAMING]
You made me die.
I'm just trying
to help you, Oswald,
It's called
negative reinforcement.
Look, if you're not
gonna respect me,
At least have some
respect for the game.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[SWORDS CLANGING]
So check this out,
on my way home,
I happened to pass
where that hot chick
Teaches kung fu or whatever.
You just happen to pass
by that place every night,
You creepy bastard.
Yeah, but this time I happened
to glance in the window,
And me and her
made eye contact.
I'm 90% sure she smiled.
Like a rye, half smile.
Wow, that's like a fairy tale.
You guys wouldn't understand.
Anyway, let's get started
on this presentation.
What presentation?
The Beowulf project
for lit class.
I thought that wasn't
due till next week.
It is due in twelve
and a half hours,
And we've completed
approximately zero percent,
So that's literally putting
it off till the last minute.
I'm pretty sure that you and Oswald
said that you two would write it,
And then I would present
it in front of the class.
We did not.
I distinctly
remember you saying
I didn't have
to write anything.
I did not.
We're all gonna work on it.
We have to present a concise
analysis of an ancient text,
To the harshest
grader at the school
And you guys
are completely-
What is this Oswald?
Agent danger iii, die
dangerously, the video game.
I have been waiting
forever to play this game.
It's got multi-Player.
How about this,
we play one round,
Just to cleanse our palates,
Then we start
working on the project?
No, no way.
Are you shooting with
a gun in each hand?
Yeah.
Check this out, I'm gonna
shoot this guy in the junk.
VIDEO GAME:
Nut shot.
(LAUGHING)
Sweet.
Ok, one round, then
that's it, I'm serious.
[VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE
AND SWORD CLANGING]
Quit looking at my screen.
I'm not.
How are you finding me
every round and killing me?
That's like asking a
bumble bee how it buzzes.
Got ya, got ya, got ya.
I'm not playing
with a screen looker.
You're a screen
looker, dill hole.
It's 4:00 a.m.
Better hit the sack.
Me too.
What about the project?
We need a ten minute
report on Beowulf.
Beowulf?
More like
gay-O-Wolf.
Oh good, now we
have an opening.
Hey, don't stress
about it, Lloyd.
We'll throw something
together in the morning,
And I'll draw a
picture for visual aid.
Yeah, no sweat.
Have you guys even read it?
Patrick has my copy.
It was a little
dry for my taste.
We are so screwed.
[GUNSHOT]
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
Enter.
Dark mage Derek,
sovereign of gremloire,
Chieftain of the orc hordes,
I humbly beseech your audience.
Granted...
I suppose.
Did you have something to say,
Or are we just enjoying
each other's company?
It's the grand larping council.
Look, if I'm to have time
to fail all these quizzes
Before lunch, I need
you to get to the point.
The grand council has
decreed there will be no
Final battle at the end
of this year's season.
What?
They said there's not
enough teams registered.
They said you're
scaring everyone off.
Oliver, can you explain
to me how I will be
Declared champion if
there is no tournament?
Well you won't, there will
be no champions declared,
As there is no final battle.
Well that is the silliest
thing I've ever heard.
Am I to be punished
for excelling
In the deadly art of battle?
Yeah.
The grand council doesn't
want to see me win again.
They want to stop me
before I break the record
Of the white wizard.
It's all gnome politics.
Shut up, stop your groveling.
Well played grand
council, well played.
But you'll find it takes
more than politicking
To defeat the lord dark mage.
What we must do is
recruit a few fools
To register under
the forces of light.
But where does one
find such dimwits?
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
I told you I had
it covered buddy,
Just five minutes.
DEREK:
Whenever you're ready, ladies.
Yes. Oh Jesus.
Um, as you can see,
here's Beowulf, and he was...
well he was the greatest
warrior in the land.
And uh, he was six foot nine,
And had long-
Short black hair.
It's not to
scale, but he's-
LLOYD:
He swam half the time,
And also carried a weapon.
The shield fell off.
And uh...
oh, and he killed grendel.
We will now take questions.
Is this a joke?
This is it,
we goofed around too long,
And now we gotta pay the price.
Your negative
attitude is really
Bringing me down
right now, Lloyd.
Lloyd, all we have to do is just
take the class next semester.
Next semester?
You guys realize we
lose our financial aid
If our grades drop
below a 'c' average.
So?
I have a 'c' in all
my other classes.
Yeah, we're not idiots.
Oh no?
No. Not idiots,
are you sure?
If you take the 'c'
from your other classes,
And you add the 'f'
from this class,
That brings you
to a 'd' average.
Uh oh.
I can't help but feel partially
responsible for this situation.
You guys always do this.
You have one simple task
you have to accomplish,
And you get distracted
by some dumb...
[SIRENS]
Oh man.
Hey, fuck you and
the horse you rode in on!
I know you don't mean that.
I'm so sorry if I inconvenienced
your precious day.
I'm- I'm sorry,
Maybe you have me
confused with somebody else.
I saw the ambulance,
And just wanted to
see if everyone was ok.
Oh, uh, sorry about that.
The neighbors always complain
when the ambulance comes.
I just thought you
were one of them.
No, I'm not.
Lloyd.
Cassandra.
Anyways, I better.
Hey, do you get a lot
of ambulance visits, or?
Well, our training targets
keep getting injured.
I teach a woman's
self defense class,
Sometimes they get
a little enthusiastic.
So do you need to
know karate for that, or?
Not really, he's mostly
just there for me to
Demonstrate different
grappling moves on.
So what, he just puts on pads
and you wrestle for an hour?
Nothing too glamorous.
I was just showing
the girls how to
Choke out a guy using
only your inner thighs.
Um, it's a really weird
coincidence really because
I've been wanting to get into
women's self defense for like,
As long as I can remember,
and now, you have an opening.
There's no pay,
it's strictly volunteer.
It's not about the money.
Oh, that's an
attractive quality.
Identify a problem,
move in with a solution.
Well, you know me.
Well, you don't
like know me, but.
Ok Lloyd, I'll see
you Thursday at 8:00.
Ok, hey, thanks,
see you on Thursday.
I move in with
a problem, no, I-
I move in with a solution,
I move in with a solution.
Guys we have a problem,
If we don't
bring our grades up,
We will lose our financial aid.
The solution is
that we go in there
And ask very
politely for a redo.
Wow. I really like how
you just took charge,
And clearly stated
what you wanted to do.
So we go in there
and be very polite,
And ask nicely for a redo.
If he wants to shave a monkey
and roll it in pine nuts first,
Then we do it. Ok?
Alright.
Oswald here can give him a
hand job, to sweeten the deal.
- No, I will not.
- You damn well better.
If it comes to it, we will
all give Derek a hand job.
Fine.
Are you all three shaft men,
Or will one of you
be working the balls?
(LLOYD SIGHS)
Just so we're clear, gentlemen,
The only reason I'm seeing
you is because student bylaws
Demand I must provide
all of my students
With a minimum of five
minutes of outside class time.
(LLOYD CLEARS HIS THROAT)
Sir, we were hoping
to talk to you
Regarding
yesterday's presentation.
These bylaws, however,
state nothing about
Actually having to listen.
You now have four
point five minutes.
What is all this stuff?
Pussy repellant.
We need to know if we can have
a redo on the assignment.
We really need to
pass this class sir.
A redo?
That would only be fair.
Really?
Well yes, you had two
weeks to do an assignment,
And you did no work.
Aw, come on dude,
it's community college!
What do you mean by that?
It means that you're...
I think what Patrick
is trying to say is that
We know we made a huge mistake,
But we are very sorry.
I don't think that's
what he meant Lloyd,
- I think it's...
- It's not.
There must be some way.
I think there might
be two ways actually,
Slim and none.
We will literally
do whatever it takes.
Not whatever it takes,
I mean, there's a few things
we're probably not gonna...
Oswald.
Whatever it takes.
There might be one way.
Name it.
The infernal accord.
[MUSIC STOPS]
DEREK:
No one?
A literary device, also known
as making a deal with the devil.
A party makes
a deal with Satan,
Knowing the odds are
stacked against him,
But his desire is so great,
He's willing to risk
his immortal soul.
And then he wins
against all odds?
No, in post-Victorian
gothic literature,
The protagonist always fails,
And is thus damned to
the eternal fires of hell.
You want us to sell
our souls to the devil?
I want you to register
in my larping league
Under the forces of light.
Do this, I will
supply you dick weeds
With enough extra credit
to maintain a passing grade.
And if we win the whole
thing, do we get like an
Extra, extra credit?
You would have to
defeat me to win.
Yeah, so what do
we get when we win?
If you manage,
by some magic feat,
To win, I'll give you an 'a+'.
That grade, in my
class, gentlemen,
Is as elusive as the
mythical one thousand sided die.
- We accept.
- What?!
Lloyd, what are you doing?
Where do we sign up?
The den of he,
Formerly known as
the white wizard.
And is that a real place?
The sentry box, in Kensington,
By the discount carpet store.
The entry fee is $50.
(QUIETLY) $50?
Time's up gentlemen.
Now leave me to
my dark studies,
Before I change my mind.
So does this mean that we
still have to come to class?
Alright, ok.
PATRICK: I hope this isn't
what we're expected to wear.
It's just a painting
for the wall.
It looks comfortable.
- Would you do that orc?
- Yes.
With a condom.
I'm sorry sir,
that's not something
That we usually keep in stock,
But uh, I can certainly special
order a loin cloth for you.
Yeah, oh, I definitely
recommend athletic support.
Or you could just
tape it to your leg.
Yeah, oh yeah.
Good day sir.
We are well met, young one.
How may I be of service to you?
The larping tournament thing,
Can we sign up for that here?
Oh, you wish to brave
the ancient lands,
Beyond the gale pass shores,
Where tribes of krakentroll
Slaughter unwary pilgrims
such as yourselves.
If that's where the tournament
is at, then I guess so.
Actually it's usually
out at the park
Behind the old elementary
school, but uh...
DAGMAR:
Foulest treachery!
Yes, no, the
book of rules states
That such a
maneuver is allowed.
You- You side with Jorgen
just to gain flavour.
Sorry about that.
Tempers can get
quite hot around here.
Yeah, well actually
we're not too familiar
With the sport of larping.
Ok, I've seen some pretty
scary stuff in here,
But will someone please give
me a little clarification
In what we're getting
ourselves into.
Live action role
playing, or larping,
Is not easily summarized,
It is many things
to many people.
Don't you guys just bang
each other with fake swords?
I saw an internet video
where a guy with a wizard's hat
Threw tin foil
balls at his cat.
ANDY:
Its not just about sword play,
Or mysteries of the
arcane and incantations.
Larping is more pure,
it's about casting aside
The shackles of the mundane,
Throwing yourself
in harm's way,
For the sake of
something more noble.
Yeah, so like capture the flag,
Except with fake swords.
And you could say that sex is
Wrestling without clothes on.
Dude, have you even had sex?
Trust me, I've wrestled
without clothes on.
My romantic life is not the
topic of discussion here.
He didn't mean any harm.
I am not naive as to the way
That larping is perceived
by the outside world.
And I will not allow
you to joke about
Something that
we hold so dearly.
Please leave.
No, no, you have
to let us sign up.
I am a level 80 wizard!
I don't have to do anything!
Go.
You too moor, go.
Thanks a lot man.
You always do this, why do you
always douche out like this?
Ok, you know what,
look, just chill,
I'm gonna sort it, alright?
Hey, I'm sorry,
I didn't get your name.
I didn't say it.
But I am Andy, son of Chester,
Keeper of this
humble house of games.
It was once known
as the white wizard,
But uh, that was
a long time ago.
Uh, so are you a good wizard,
or a bad wizard?
I serve the king,
And protect those that
cannot protect themselves.
Oh good, because
me and my friends
Signed an infernal accord
with an evil warlord,
Who has beseeched incredible
injustice upon us.
Injustice?
Yeah, horrible.
And the only way is for us
to enter this tournament.
May I ask the identity
of this dark warlord?
His name's is Derek.
Derek?
He teaches one of our classes.
I am aware of Derek the unholy,
Servant of the gremloire.
Really, you know him?
Yes, and I can't sign you up.
Why not?
For your own safety.
But we want to join.
Trust me,
you'll thank me later.
Wait, this is like
a public thing, right?
I suppose, if you want
to lean on a technicality.
Get the forms,
we're not joking around here.
Are you sure I can't
talk you out of this?
No.
I must warn you,
Your entrance fee
is non-Refundable.
Well?
Oh, you mean now?
Yeah, now would be fine.
Oh, sign this,
I'll be right back.
Can you believe this guy?
Yeah, I can.
Never mind, Oswald.
You will need these,
inside is all the information
You will need to lead
yourselves to victory, or not.
Great, thank you.
Your first match is Saturday,
Your opponents are the danes.
What?!
Prepare the camera,
I would like a photo of my
extreme victory for our blog.
They are mighty warriors,
And you must be prepared
if you plan to defeat them.
Awesome.
Good luck, young warriors,
You will need it.
How much for this?
I'm a man of peace.
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
Come in.
LLOYD:
Open the door!
I said come in!
My hands are full,
open the door!
What did he say?
I don't know, something dumb.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey... buddy.
We couldn't hear you
over the television!
What's all that junk?
Stuff for our
weapons and armor.
We have to make our own?
This is already annoying me.
Why do we need armor?
Come here, I'll show you.
Ow! That was
really unnecessary.
Was it?
What were those warriors
that just fought naked,
I'll just be one of those.
I think you have larping
Confused with the
dream you had last night.
Oh ho ho.
Touch.
Been reading these books,
and it says the first thing
We need to do is to come
up with our characters.
Oh, I'll be agent danger,
that way I get to
Carry a gun in each hand.
We're gonna be fighting
orcs and krakentrolls,
Not ninja terrorists.
What the hell is a
krakentroll anyways?
I don't know, it's like a
Monster or something,
I don't know.
No, no, according to this book,
it says it's a twisted spawn
Of an unholy union
between troll and demon.
This just keeps getting lamer.
I was gonna tell you guys,
I found out that orcs typically
Eat their enemies after
they defeat them in battle.
So?
That's some twisted shit, man!
They eat people, Lloyd!
Shhh.
Dude, we're not gonna
be fighting real orcs,
Just virgins painted green.
You know if we sit around
making clever jokes all night,
Those virgins are
gonna kick our butts,
Because we won't be prepared.
Whatever, I'll just
do mine in the morning.
Yeah, me too, I wanna
finish this chapter.
But we agreed
we'd do this tonight.
You're the one who
wants us to win so bad,
So it only seems fair that
you make all our armor,
And all our weapons.
Ok, 'a', that's stupid,
'B', what about
your characters?
Just pick something.
We don't care.
You know what, fine.
I wouldn't want either of you
To put any effort
into anything ever!
Oh, hey Lloyd,
Can you make my armor
like extra thick?
Ugh.
Thanks.
What am I supposed to be?
You're a fairy wizard,
You cast spells with your wand.
Why do I have to be the fairy?
I thought you didn't care
what your costume was.
So disappointed
in you right now.
You are a warrior.
I wanted to be a hobbit.
Be a hobbit warrior.
I can't even see
out of this thing.
Not my problem.
Good morning, my young
warriors, and fairy.
Hey Andy, we haven't
spotted the danes yet.
Really, they're
usually very punctual.
Orcs have landed.
Come on, let's get them.
Prepare for the horde.
What is the meaning of this?
We have come to make battle
with the sub creatures,
To teach them the
futility of their quest,
And give them a
taste of the future,
Without having to
build a time machine.
The danes were
scheduled for this match,
Not your foul horde.
Yes, it was the
strangest thing,
I gave them exact directions,
But they called an hour ago,
Saying that they
were completely lost,
And going to be late.
Control, we got a
potential situation here.
We are going to
commandeer this steel chariot
To take us to the land
beyond the galepass shores.
We have agreed
to stand in for them,
So they will not
be disqualified.
Wait, we have to
fight him already?
I'm afraid so,
it is within the rules.
Take your positions.
On this spot, over
3,000 man years ago,
Two armies collided in battle.
Really, right here?
The orc raiders,
led by the dark mage,
Derek of gremloire,
attacked the outer
Settlements of
the human's empire,
A trail of bloody
corpses marked their path.
(YELLS)
The emperor foresaw the green
skin incursion, and dispatched.
Who's your leader?
Fairy baron Patrick
von hugen balls,
Slayer of orc scum.
(PATRICK SPITS)
That's really not necessary.
The emperor's edict was simple,
Protect the settlement from
The foul stench
of the orcish horde.
Humans, to win,
you must prevent the orcs
From reaching the settlement,
and pillaging their women.
Or slay them all.
Prepare yourselves.
Hark, the drums
of war beat loudly.
[PATHETIC WHISTLE BLOW]
Let the larp begin.
The baron throws
caution to the wind,
And charges the orc line.
Ow, it hit me in the eye.
The hobbit warrior has been
slain by the cruel orcish arrow.
I'll avenge you Oswald!
I will use your scalp to
make booties for my brood.
You won't.
Ow, ow, ow.
PATRICK:
Orc scum.
Get away
from me you-
Aaaah!
[PATRICK SCREAMING]
I will cast resurrection
so Oswald may live again.
- Thank you Lloyd.
- You got it.
Erectus obsecuis
labitra, pro homo.
A success.
Rise young Oswald.
Is my still supposed to hurt,
Because it does, a lot.
DEREK:
I will counter that spell,
Nexium, orcana,
zethromat, formatta.
(CHEERING)
And the spell
has been countered.
What?
Now please be seated.
Ha. Give up.
I shall cast
teleportation on myself.
My destination
is the park bench.
Lourdes, bombalus,
scenip, valtraxium.
ANDY: And the spell is a success,
unless-
Quick, Lloyd, counter it,
Otherwise they'll win.
I- Shit,
I- I can't find it.
And you never will,
with the basic spell book.
Teleportation is only
in the limited edition
Twelfth anniversary of
the advanced spell book.
That's the lamest
thing I've ever heard.
You are calling me lame?!
Look at me!
Feast your eyes on me,
drink it in,
Look at my cool helmet!
(CHEERING)
ANDY:
Victory to the orcs.
OSWALD:
No! Why?!
(CHEERING)
Well fellas,
what did you think?
You were right, we should
have listened to you
When you were trying to
convince us not to join.
Yeah, we suck.
And my eye still hurts.
I want my $50 back.
Your $50?
No, no, I want my $50 back.
No, no, no,
$50 is my standard fee
For wearing a fairy outfit!
Hold on a second.
You know, the elven kingdom
of gorg was not built in a day.
Your instincts were impeccable.
I have not seen newcomers
with so much potential
Since before
the black crusades.
Yeah, I think we're
just gonna call it quits.
Well, remember, the entrance
fee is still non-Refundable.
I tried to warn all of you.
Whatever.
We'll figure
something else out.
There has to be another way.
You know, I think you're gonna
have to give Derek that hand job.
Shut up.
You shouldn't limit yourselves
to the physical realm.
Look inside, perchance a
heart job is the solution.
Gross.
Do you gentlemen know the
story of the two foot mage?
No.
Ha ha, it's a marvelous story.
Anyway, the two foot mage
was missing two things.
Listen, I don't care.
You know the details of
the story aren't important,
The moral is about having fun,
Which has been a rare commodity
Since Derek and
his black crusades.
LLOYD: Listen,
maybe it was kind of fun,
But if we win we get
an 'a' in Dereks class.
Well, I could come out of
retirement one last time,
And train you.
Why are you retired?
It's a long story,
I swore I'd never
take on another student.
Yeah, but you're like a
level 80 wizard, I mean,
That's pretty good, right?
I can melt faces with
the flick of a finger,
And the role of an eight sided
die, so yeah, yeah pretty good.
Wow.
Do you really think you
can help us win this thing?
Well, it won't be easy.
But by krom,
we'll give it our best.
I demand a cooler costume!
That can be done.
And it wouldn't
be a terrible idea
To think about maybe
adding another team member.
Maybe somebody
more uh, warriorly.
I know just the bad ass.
Alright, throw it like
you mean it, Rosie.
Hiya.
Ok, ok, um, ok.
Just imagine some dirty
pervert is about to
Soil your flower, ok,
he's got his filthy hands
All over you, and the
only way you can stop him
Is to crush his windpipe!
Yah.
Don't worry,
I'm sure when it happens,
You will have the
eye of the tiger.
Alright, girls,
let's partner up
And practice
what we've learned.
You have a real gift.
Oh, for teaching,
yeah I don't know,
I just do it to pass the
time and stay in shape, I guess.
Really?
You're such a natural.
My real passion is
competitive cage fighting,
But I'm banned
from all the circuits
Due to unnecessary cruelty.
What if I told you I had a
Competitive fighting
opportunity for you?
Fuck you man, no, I don't do
that Russian bullshit, ok,
It's not sanctioned,
you guys have fucking
Ripped me off
way too many times.
Ok, no, whatever that is,
This is not that,
this is different.
It may sound weird,
but I actually need some help
Fighting some
wizards and elves.
Oh, look, hey man,
In another time I
used to hang out in
Little Tokyo,
walking the street,
Looking for every
chance I could to bite
The head off the golden monkey.
I would have done anything
for just another toke,
I would have
sold my own cousin.
I was sleeping on the streets,
Using my own shoes as
a pillow, but I kicked it.
Yeah.
I fucking kicked it,
and I found this,
And you can too.
You can, ok, but I
run a drug free dojo,
So get the fuck out of here
until you get your shit clean.
No, no, I'm not
smoking the smack.
I'm actually talking
about a sporting type thing
My friends and I got
involved in called larping,
And it's where you dress up and
pretend to be wizards and hit
Each other with foam swords,
and it's kind of fun, kind of.
And I need it to maintain
my financial aid at school.
Hmm. I guess my
mother was right
When she said I'd regret
not going to college.
Good one.
But I really could use
your help, volunteering,
In much the same way that
I selflessly volunteered
To help you, here at the dojo.
Ok, I need to
practice on someone.
Will it help you say yes?
Practicing helps me think.
Ok.
What do I do?
Punch me.
Ha ha, I'm all into equal
rights and everything,
But remember I'm
a man, and therefore
20 times biologically
stronger than any woman.
Just do it.
Ok, but only because
you're a professional.
Here it comes.
Ow, that was totally awesome.
Do you have to wear costumes?
Yeah, I can help you
make one if you want.
Ya!
I'll pick my own costume.
Ok, yeah, cool.
LLOYD: And then,
she threw me to the ground
With some crazy ninja move.
It was so cool.
You realize you are bragging
you got beat up by a girl?
Yeah, but her boob brushed
against me while I was pinned.
- Really?
- Yes.
Well, it might have been her
knee, but I don't think so.
So hold on, you're saying that
if this girl joins our team,
That we all get
the same treatment?
No, but our team is
gonna be so bad ass.
Wait a minute,
I'm onto you buddy.
- What?
- What?
This whole larping thing
is just one of your
Weird plans to
get with this girl.
No, it isn't.
I read your book you
magnificent bastard.
No, we're doing
this to get the 'c',
So we can keep our financial
aid, and stay in school.
Besides, the other day
was kind of fun, right?
Yeah, it was ok.
Ok, fine, but I want you to
understand something about
This Cassandra chick, you say
she's all into cage fighting,
And seizing the
day and all that.
Right.
Well, mentally she's a dude,
So you need to stop
pussyfooting around,
Just be direct with her.
I'm not just gonna
ask her out, man,
I need to lay some groundwork.
No, don't ask her out,
Just start talking dirty
to her, see how she responds.
What?
Ok, hey look at me,
say hey, Cassandra,
I think your honey pot
needs a hot beef injection,
See how she reacts to that.
My guess is positively.
Wow.
That's some really good advice,
how can I ever thank you?
Hey, Patrick, do you think that
would work with my girlfriend.
That dude off the
internet doesn't count.
ANDY:
Now that we're all here,
Will everyone please make
a circle around me, join hands.
The bond that holds
this circle together
Is the same bond
betwixt all those
Who take part in the larp.
Now tell me, what force
quickens this band of warriors.
LLOYD:
A sort of moderate commitment?
Protein?
Lloyd, commitment,
that was an answer.
And yours was also
an answer, sort of.
But there is a dark side.
King Weiner, aka Derek.
Huh, foolish yes,
but not the darkest, no.
That mantle belongs
to my former protege,
So promising, so powerful.
Andy?
It's still hard
for me to talk about.
What is?
Nothing, uh.
Release the circle.
It's time for you to
choose your characters.
Can I be a robot sent back
in time to battle the orcs?
Huh, it appears that my guidance
is needed, young Oswald.
Give me a word to
describe yourself.
Um, deadly, but happy.
Dwarves are the
happiest folk I know,
Until roused to anger.
I'll be berserker barbarian
dwarf warrior, aroo!
ANDY:
Excellent.
Battle cry needs a little
bit of work, but...
Arooo.
Oh no, I didn't mean now,
work on it later at home.
Later.
Patrick, what quality
guides your foot?
My devilishly handsome face.
Perhaps your wits
match your looks.
Doth a halfling rogue conceal
himself in your heart?
What?
Do you think maybe you
could play a halfling rogue?
- Think about it later.
- Yeah.
Cassandra.
I'm fast, and I
can land a punch.
Yes, and if you
learn to use a bow,
You would be the spitting
image of an elvish ranger.
Cool.
- Lloyd.
- Huh, yes.
I noticed the other day
that your instincts were to
Cast a spell to
protect your friends,
Rather than to lash out
at the enemy in anger.
Yeah, I guess those paladin
guys are pretty cool.
Warrior priests, indeed,
They're very cool.
Well, you have a long
road ahead of you,
It has really just begun.
There is much work
still to be done here.
We have a little something
to assist us in our training.
Oswald.
I did a little research,
and I discovered that
Business type groups keep
up their productivity,
By measuring their
overall efficiency,
Using charts and other graphs.
I call it,
LLOYD AND OSWALD:
The wall of awesome.
I helped.
LLOYD:
Agent danger is at the top,
And lameness
increases exponentially
The further down you go.
PATRICK:
Who's that guy at the bottom?
That's George
Washington carver.
He was my idea.
Isn't that the guy that
invented peanut butter?
Why is the father of
peanut butter the most lame?
Hey, my granddad
died of a nut allergy.
PATRICK:
We should put your granddad down there.
Hey, my ferret was hit by one
of those electric hybrid cars,
So that should be on there.
I'm not saying the wall
of awesome is perfect,
But it's something.
ANDY: This fearless tribe of
warriors possesses many gifts,
All of which
you will call upon,
While facing the
dangers ahead of you.
With the creation
of your characters,
You've all dedicated
your minds to the larp.
Now it is time to dedicate
your bodies, and your hearts.
As we progress, you will
all feel your bodies change,
Your hands will
move more surely,
Your eyes will
see more clearly.
Hair will grow where
it never grew before.
That's actually just a nasty
rumor, Patrick, believe me.
Shall we continue?
There are two types of magic,
The first is
precast battle magic.
These are your lightning
bolts, and arctic blasts.
No, what are you doing?
Those are live
rounds my friend.
They are to be used in battle,
against an opponent, like this.
Please cover your ears.
Please, for your safety.
Lightning bolt.
As you can see, quite deadly.
The second type of
magic is spell casting.
Your comrade has been
struck by a poison arrow,
He will die within one round,
unless he can heal himself.
Poison, ok.
Ok, here, general
antidote spell.
By Odins beard,
I banish-
How am I supposed
to recite the spell?
This is your spell book.
Your brain.
In hand to hand combat,
your skills are astounding.
I know.
But the elves' first weapon is
the bow, so please, fire away.
By Odins beard,
that was close.
Sorry.
Try again, but this time,
Focus on the target,
not the weapon.
I have the
highest faith in you.
Oh wait, hold on a second.
Fire away.
You truly have a mighty
warrior within your soul.
I think you're prepared
to go to the next battle.
Charge!
What, are you afraid
to fight me with honor?
The arrow takes ten hit points.
How weak, I have over 30 hps.
Ok.
Ah, oh.
Get back, back to the abyss.
No, we are from Copenhagen.
What?
Yes, it was ranked the most
Livable city by
monocle magazine.
PATRICK:
Aah!
A critical hit.
The rogue has slain his foe.
- Ow.
- Sorry.
But I have much left to do.
Whoa.
JORGEN: You fight not as men do,
more as women and Swedes.
Guys, I need some
help over here.
Can't Lloyd, we're larping.
Wait, did you say you
had a larping blog?
Yeah, we use it to record
our victories and our wounds,
And to show our
badges of honor.
Would you like the url?
Uh sure, do you have it on you?
On me, uh?
Arctic blast, arctic blast,
I arctic blasted you.
You do not care about my url.
So do you want to
do a counter spell?
Magic is for the weak,
I will fight with honor.
Jorgen thunder thighs,
You will remain frozen
for the next 15 seconds.
Dagmar, you should
document my beating.
Maybe it is you who
should record my defeat.
Sorry.
Victory.
We won, I think we won.
You can unfreeze now.
[GLASS SMASHING]
What do you mean that
they defeated the danes
And the white wizard
is training them?!
And don't forget the girl,
she looks really dangerous.
I'm not forgetting
the girl, Oliver.
They actually have
a chance at winning,
And foiling my
plans of breaking
The white wizard's
wonderful winning record.
So what are you going to do?
I'm going to take
a play from your book,
And try to pussy my way out.
Ok.
And he was like, I'll sell your
soul to the twisting nether.
And I was like your
mom's a twisting nether.
Oops.
(LAUGHING)
OSWALD:
Im ok.
So you really kicked
ass out there today.
Yeah, well I'm glad you
invited me to join your army.
You guys are kind of fun.
They're ok,
but I think the enjoyment
You're feeling is
more Lloyd centered.
Maybe.
Alright, I'm taking off,
keep it clean gentlemen.
Maybe I should walk you home.
I can take care of myself.
- Yeah.
- See you later.
Ok. See ya.
[DOOR CLOSES]
You should have told
her to slob your knob.
OSWALD:
Why do you guys keep doing this to me?
PATRICK:
Shhh.
Well...
I kind of like it.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Oh, hello Lloyd, how are you?
I'm ok, just heading to class.
Great, great, listen, I've
been worried about you boys
Getting distracted
from your school work.
Uh, no, um, I think we're fine.
Yes, but I would hate for
any of this larping nonsense
To interfere with
your academics,
It is grades first, you know.
Nah, don't worry, it's actually
going better than expected.
Oh, fantastic.
How about this, you withdraw
From the demons
and dwarves league,
And I will give you
and your friends a 'c',
No questions asked.
We can't withdraw.
I'm offering to pass you.
Just say yes.
Well, see there's this girl,
And I think she might like me,
But I kind of think we
need more face time, so.
Just say yes, Lloyd.
I'm sorry I can't do that.
You think you're so big,
don't you Lloyd?
Just regular size.
With your perfect hair.
It's just hair.
Do you want me to fail you?
Wait a minute, we have
an infernal accord,
You have to give
us extra credit.
I would never consider
breaking the infernal accord,
But I can grade your
assignments extra critically,
Meaning you will
fail this class.
What's your problem, man?
You wanted us to sign up,
now you want us out, what?
My problem is that you broke
the spirit of the contract
By seeking help
from the white wizard.
Drop out now, or
suffer the consequences.
Screw you.
We're gonna win the
tournament, and get the 'a+'.
So be it.
You have fealed your own sate.
You mean, sealed your own fate?
Fuck!
Scratch your name from
the dead man's scroll,
Command to earth
your eternal soul.
Ok remember attackers,
you want to hurt this person.
Go.
Ok, class, we're gonna
try something new.
I want you each to
choose a character,
Somebody whose
abilities you admire,
Be it physical or emotional,
And I want you to
channel their strength.
Can I be Beth, dog the
bounty hunter's wife?
If it helps.
Say aloha to Jesus.
Ha!
- Ha!
- Oh!
Excellent, excellent Rosie.
Now remember, to keep up
the attack once he goes down,
You do not want him
getting back up. Go.
Ha, ha, ha, ha,
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Excellent, excellent.
Alright, next.
DEREK: Leopold, I have come forth
to ask for your assistance.
I'd like you to join
the black crusade.
We are orcs, your favored
race if I remember correctly.
The only thing standing between
us and victory, is Andy.
The white wizard
has re-Emerged.
Indeed.
And he has taken new students.
I've heard him boast
that they will be
100 times more powerful
than you ever were.
Revenge will be
yours if you serve me.
I bow only to the blood gods.
Of course.
I just meant,
surely your blood gods
Would not want to see
the white wizard return.
If your destiny
serves their will,
Then I am yours to command.
As long as you know
who the boss is.
That has never
been in question.
- Ah!
- Oh!
Oh, ah!
Excellent power rose,
I meant Beth,
Dog the bounty hunter's wife.
Go show them.
Ok.
Steady.
I think Rosies
really improving.
I pity the pervert who
tries to take her flower.
You know Lloyd, I need to talk
to you in the back office.
Sure.
You're gonna have to help me.
Thank you.
Look, I just, I wanted to
thank you for helping us,
I know it's not easy.
No problem.
I think I found
my true calling.
No, but I mean, really,
I don't' want the girls
To see me get all mushy,
but thank you.
Ok.
And I wanted to tell
you something too.
And that is that I think
you're a really cool girl,
And I was wondering
if you and I could maybe
Hang out sometime?
Mmmph, we hang out
a lot already.
- Ok. Ok.
- Ok.
Wait!
Yes.
Uh...
just let me finish.
Ok.
Um, I just wanted
to say that, uh...
um, I want to...
I um...
I want to long dick
your quivering sex hole!
I am so sorry.
Shut up!
Oswald, are we gonna
practice today, or what?
Gimme a minute.
Come on buddy, hurry up,
It's not gonna make
you lose any quicker.
I didn't mean to lead you on,
I don't want to give
you the wrong idea.
Aaaaa!
Ah!
Hey, hey, hey.
Oswald, Oswald.
Ah!
Aaaaaa!
Aaaaaa!
(SCREAMING AND GRUNTING)
(OSWALD SCREAMS)
(PANTING)
That was intense.
Was?
We're not done yet.
Yes, we are doing this next.
Uh, I don't think I have the
upper body strength to do that.
Oh, I think with
the right motivation.
Aah!
I'll give it a shot, I mean,
What's the worst
that can happen?
ANDY:
I told you I cannot afford that.
Go ahead,
won't hurt to touch it.
That's it.
Perhaps we can
work something out.
It's mint.
All you must do
is make sure your
New students
fail spectacularly.
Foul temptress, I refuse thee.
Perhaps twenty ducats
will sweeten the deal.
Never.
You still don't understand
what it's all about.
Very well.
Save your applause.
No.
The white wizard.
I believe you two
know each other.
You've grown old and weak.
I draw my strength
not from within,
But from those who larp
and are pure of heart.
If only you knew the
power of the blood gods.
If you're its example,
then color me unimpressed.
I defeated you, didn't I?
Low blow.
Sometimes it is the lowest
blow that strikes the hardest.
Yeah, I don't have
a comeback for that one.
But rest assured, I will do
everything within my power
To make sure that you are
vanquished on the battlefield.
And I will be sure
to taste the fresh blood
Of your new students.
Leave them out of this,
For this is between you and me.
Oh?
Or is it between you and I?
I'm warning you, they will not
succumb to your dark treats.
Ha.
You will protect
them from the shadows,
As you protected me?
You wouldn't dare.
I would dare.
No.
Yeah.
No.
- Yeah.
- Nah uh.
- I'm gonna do it.
- Not gonna happen.
It's happening.
Better not.
- Yeah, I am.
- Nah uh.
I said it, then I
repeated it several time...
For the love of
Odins sack, enough.
To think I almost wasted my
Prince finntor on
a cry baby like you.
Wah.
Cruel destiny.
LLOYD: Andy, what's wrong,
you said you had important news?
ANDY:
I do.
Tell me, what would
you like to hear first,
The good news, or the bad news?
Or the really bad news?
The good news.
No, I think we should
listen to the bad news first,
Then the good, then
the really bad news,
So we break up the bad things.
Why don't we do the good last,
And then we can end the
meeting on an upbeat note?
Yeah, but then we run
the risk of not taking
The really bad news as
seriously as we should.
PATRICK: Why don't we just
start with the really bad news?
Then we'd have the same
problem Oswald brought up.
Ok, shut up.
It's gonna go good,
bad, then really bad.
No, but Lloyd...
I'm the leader,
and that's my order.
Fine, whatever, it's not
even that big a deal.
Good.
Andy, please continue,
good news first.
The final scores
for the season are in,
And Lloyd and the conquerors
Are the highest ranked
team on the side of light.
Yes!
Whoo!
So we won?
And we get to pass
Dereks stupid class?
Not exactly.
As the highest ranked
team in your faction,
It is your duty to
lead the forces of light
In the final
battle of the season.
Say what?
Well, each year,
the larping season ends
With a final battle,
featuring the forces of light
Against the hordes of chaos.
Lloyd, you will be
commanding those forces.
Me?
And I bet I can guess who's
gonna lead the other side?
Derek.
Unfortunately yes.
So that's the bad news?
Oh, young Oswald,
if only it were so.
No. The final battle
takes place this weekend.
And Cassandra will
not be on your side.
Crap in a hat!
LLOYD:
We've seen Derek on the field,
As long as we have
a good game plan,
And work together,
we have a chance.
Yes, we have a chance,
we have a chance.
Andy, why don't you just
come out of retirement
And take my place on the team?
If you had asked
me this morning,
I might have said yes.
But now I see that it's your
path to follow, not mine.
Does this have something to
do with the really bad news?
It does.
This afternoon, Derek
presented himself to me.
He offered me a mint copy
of prince finntor number one.
That son of a bitch.
Yes, indeed.
He offered me the book, if
I would ensure your failure.
And you threw it right
back in his face, right?
Never.
Finntor number one is
an important document
That must be preserved
for posterity's sake.
But you did turn
him down, right?
Oh, of course.
It was then that he
revealed his alliance
With Leopold,
my former student.
My greatest student.
How did Derek get one of your
students to join the bad guys?
It wasn't through
Dereks cunning,
But more through my
failure as a teacher.
When Leopold first
came under my tutelage,
He was the most eager
larper I had ever seen.
He immersed himself
in the fantasy,
Sharpening his mind
and body until he became
The greatest
warrior in the land.
His strength was such that even
the local school children no
Longer harassed us when we used
their playground for larping.
No one stood against him.
And I, of course,
encouraged him,
Thinking that he would
remain our champion of light,
And would forever keep
the forces of evil at bay.
I should have taught him
temperance and patience,
For his quest for power led him
To embrace the
blood gods of chaos.
He fell deeper and deeper,
Until he started to believe
in his own dark fantasies.
It all ended
one terrible night,
When he became
convinced that his family
Was actually a pack of gnomes
Trying to steal
his magic armor.
After he set his
sister's dog on fire,
He was deposited in the
local mental institution,
Where he has
remained until Derek
Summoned him for his dark pact.
So basically what you're
saying is we have to defeat
The darth Vader of larping?
I would never compare
these epic events
To that crude space opera.
But yeah, basically.
Hmmm...
that guy's certainly a virgin.
Maybe there's a way we can
just volunteer, you know?
We don't have to actually
larp and get killed,
We can just help out.
It's fine, guys it's fine,
We'll figure something out.
Lloyd, as their leader,
There's something I must
share with you, alone.
It's been a long time,
But I know it's
in here somewhere.
[CUPBOARD DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
Hah, there it is.
Perhaps you can
find a use for this.
Andy, is this what
I think it is?
Indeed, it is.
If I wasn't out of commission,
I would take this Leopold
clown out in 12 seconds flat.
Believe me,
I wish you could too.
All you need is
a good strategy,
I can still help you with that.
Andy thinks this
guy is dangerous,
I don't want to be part
of somebody being hurt.
Do you know what I teach the
girls in myself defense class?
Predators prey on the weak.
So just use your
perceived weakness
To catch the
assailant off guard.
And then you just
remove his testicles
With a shaolin tiger grip.
Who knew self defense
could be so hot?
Focus.
Half a moon from now,
The combined forces of
light will stand before us.
But theirs is a hopeless cause,
Their mantra is honor
and righteousness,
But there's no honor in defeat.
And it is the victor who
defines what is righteous.
Every year these weaklings
fall under our blade,
And this year shall
be no exception.
Half a moon from now,
what time is that exactly?
Just so I can sync my watch.
I am not required to
explain what half a moon is.
If you do not know
what half a moon is,
You should not be here.
There are tales that we
shall face the disciples
Of the prophet of light,
The white wizard.
Yes it is true, the
disciples of the white wizard
Lead the forces of light,
and if that concerns you
Or anyone else here,
then fuck off!
I live by the ancient
KRAKENTROLL PROVERB:
If your opponent
brandishes a stave,
Then in turn you must
unsheathe your claymore.
Leopold, step forward.
Those of you who choose to stay
Will stand shoulder to
shoulder with none other
Than Leopold the destroyer.
Death to the white wizard!
CROWD:
Death to the white wizard!
Aahh!
Then you just come around here,
And boom, his balls are yours.
This could actually work.
You leave in pieces.
OSWALD:
Look at him.
I mean, what do guys like
that do in their spare time?
I mean,
does he cross-Stitch,
Work on cars, or scrapbook?
Really successful guys
like that always have
Some sort of dark secret,
like I bet you he's into
Some weird kind of
porn or something.
Puppet porn?
Yeah, he's definitely
into puppet porn.
That's sick.
[DOOR OPENS]
You guys ready for this?
For what, mister I
didn't show up last night.
To go over the battle plan.
Oh, I've already got one,
first we get surrounded,
Then Leopold beats
the crap out of us,
Then we lose the game
and fail the class.
Your bright outlook
is very inspiring.
Yeah, so is he way
I banged your mom.
So since you just said
you had sex with my mom,
I don't feel nearly as bad
About the confession
I have to make.
And what's that?
Derek offered us an easy out,
And I told him to
go screw himself.
What's he talking
about Patrick?
He said if we dropped out of
the demons and dwarves larp,
He'd go ahead
and give us a 'c'.
And you refused?
Yeah, I did.
Mm-Hmm.
And if we don't win and
get the 'a+', we fail.
What the f, Lloyd?!
Why would you do that?!
Because I wanted to show him,
And all the other
Dereks of the world
That we're not just gonna
roll over and take it.
We will stand,
and we will conquer.
No, no, no, wait a second,
This has something
to do with Cassandra.
No.
PATRICK:
You're right, Oswald.
He puts our grades on the line,
just so he can bang Cassandra,
Then he finally bangs her
and he breaks her leg,
Now she can't even
help us get an 'a'.
It's ok, because
Cassandra and I came up
With a really
great battle plan.
Yeah, does your
plan include this?
Since class has been
disrupted due to my injury,
I've scheduled a very
special training session
For this weekend, it will
give you a chance to
Really utilize the skills
you've learned in class.
MALE IN CLASS:
This isn't another class where we
Fight the guy in the
padded suit again, is it?
ROSIE: I didn't feel
threatened by that guy at all.
I just can't wait till a
pervert really comes after me.
Trust me, this will
be the most intense
Training session
you will ever have.
It'll be just like you're
surrounded by actual perverts.
Dick.
Hey elfy, two questions.
Ok.
First, I want to
register, second,
Why are you dressed like
a science fiction character,
When you're at a fantasy
larping tournament?
For the record,
that was one question, ok?
And to answer
your one question,
Unlike everyone else here,
I like to be creative,
and not follow the crowd.
My character is
from star fleet,
I've been sent back
in time to observe
Primitives like
yourself in an effort to
Refine our
cultured way of life.
So why don't you just
give me your 25 bucks,
And then you and
your primate friends
Can go in and bash
each other over the head.
Come on.
You know what, bite me.
Oh, well,
live long and pro-
Oh wait, my fingers
are falling asleep,
Except for that one.
Oh.
Go drill a hole in the wall.
Come on gimbledorf,
let's go, 25 bucks.
[VIDEO GAME GUNSHOTS]
I guess Lloyd
left already, huh?
Yeah, tell somebody who cares.
Oh sweet, you already
passed level eight.
It was easy,
I just used that map
That Lloyd downloaded
off the internet.
Oh, yeah, I remember that day.
That's where we spent
the whole day laughing
And sharing about our long
forged friendship, right?
That was a good day,
indeed, huh?
It was yesterday.
Come on Patrick,
we need to help him.
I mean, remember how
he didn't even get mad
When you said that
you banged him mom?
Forget it!
He broke the bros
before hoes code,
I'll die before I'm ever
guilty of breaking that rule!
Yeah, by punishing him
for this transgression,
Are you not also
breaking that rule?
You're allowing a
girl to come betwixt
Him and a friend who's
in need of our help.
What the fuck?!
Dude, are you on
his side or mine?
I'm on our side.
I don't think they're coming.
What about Cassandra?
She said she'd be here.
I'll wait here for her,
But you must get to
the marshalling area.
Your army awaits their orders.
Alright.
Wish me luck.
May ullr bless your sword,
and Odin your shield.
Thanks.
I was basically
wishing you luck.
Odin, father of thor.
Jesus, read a fucking book.
What a beautiful sight,
My minions have gathered
from across the land
To come and crush my foes.
You seem more interested
in glorifying yourself
Than in serving the blood gods.
You seem like a dick.
Minions, behold your master.
(CROWD ROARS)
Today, we wipe the
taint of the white wizard
From this land for good.
The one who slays his students
Will receive my
personal blessing.
I spit on the taint
of the white wizard.
(SPITS)
- (CROWD ROARS)
Jorgen, look who it is.
You guys ready
to kick some ass?
(LAUGHING)
Your optimism
causes my laughter.
(LAUGHING)
Yes, it is very amusing.
We are surely outnumbered,
And will receive
many massive wounds.
Our blog will overflow with
images of glorious death.
It is very impressive.
Would you like the url?
Maybe later.
No, here I'll write it on your
arm now, so you won't forget.
Anyhow, I came up
with a battle plan,
So if everybody could
just gather around,
We can go over it.
Everyone just-
He commands no respect.
Dagmar, document his pain.
You know, I've seen
some bullshit before,
But this takes the cake!
Fall in, you filthy fuck faces!
That's funny, you know,
because I don't think I said
Stand there and look
like idiots, I said fall in,
Before I tear off your heads
and crap down your throats!
Come on, come on, come on,
My grandmother moves faster
than you limp wristed fatties!
Fall in, maggots,
and listen up!
Ok, yes.
I can't hear you.
CROWD:
Yes!
Thanks guys, listen,
I'm sorry about...
Hey Lloyd, friendship means
you don't need to say sorry.
This is Lloyd,
the holy paladin,
Commander of the
forces of light.
You will pay very close
attention to his instructions,
And you will follow
them to the tee.
You got that?
CROWD:
Yeah! Yes!
Alright.
Our enemy thinks his advantage
in numbers is his strength.
It's not.
We shall turn it
into his weakness.
We will lure him into our trap,
His overconfidence the snare,
And when we have him
right where we want him,
We'll grab his balls.
What?
And then we rip them off!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Every great leader must ride
to battle on a worthy steed.
What?
Mount him.
He needs to be inside.
Yeah.
Our leader.
You look powerful Lloyd.
You look like shakira, Oswald.
Thanks.
Sir, I beg you to stay open
just a few more moments.
I don't understand
your primitive dialect.
Come on, move along.
Primitive?
You should know that
I am a level 80 wizard,
And I will not tolerate
your troll like behavior.
Hey, I said move along buddy,
Or you're gonna get cut.
Your empty threats do not
phase the white wizard,
My pointy eared space friend.
Ok, I warned you, back off,
Or I'm gonna have to
break the prime directive.
Hah, just like a Vulcan to
bring a phaser to a magic fight.
Andy, we're here.
Where are the perverts?
Uh, I don't mean to interrupt
whatever's going on here,
But they need to register.
Yeah, fat chance.
Your giant sperm friend here
With the purse is
threatening my life.
Sir, you pulled
your weapon first.
Ok, everybody just calm down.
Hey back off.
Hey.
Do not point that at her.
I said back off.
Don't point it at me either.
I'm pointing it, aren't it?
Testicles meet lightning bolt.
Ah!
Arctic blast.
Ah! Ah!
Bring me the heads
of the man creatures!
Charge!
(BATTLE CRIES)
Down boy.
Let's introduce them
to the hammer brothers,
Jack and sledge.
(BATTLE CRIES)
Archers!
Pathetic.
Go and serve your blood gods.
Aaaah!
(ARCHER YELLS)
(LEOPOLD ROARS)
Dagmar, document
my glorious death.
And mine.
Aaah!
Ah!
Ugh!
(LEOPOLD ROARS)
KLAUS:
That was wonderful.
Ok, look, all we want to do
is register for the battle,
Preferably before it's over.
Yeah, well based on
what I'm hearing,
That's just about to
happen now, isn't it?
Ok, so let's get
this ball rolling.
Excuse me, registration
desk is closed.
Dude, all you have
to do is open the book
And write down our names.
I mean, we'll even pay extra.
Wait a minute,
you trying to bribe me?
How about if we show some skin?
- What?
- What?
You register us,
and we flash you.
I am far beyond the temptations
of the flesh, there avatar.
[UNZIP]
Sweet Fulton potatoes.
For a thousand nights
I have dreamt of this day.
Make'em jiggle.
Can we register now?
VULCAN: Yeah, yeah,
come on move,
Put your mark in the book,
go, go, go, go.
I know this may be illogical,
But will you marry me?
We can start with
a Vulcan mind meld
And work our way down.
I can feel your pussy.
[AGENT DANGER MOVIE THEME MUSIC]
I'm a man of peace.
You, leave in pieces.
(WHINNYING)
What did I tell you
about doing cocaine?
I guess Cassandra wasn't the
only tough guy on this team.
Ah!
Stand back Lloyd, I'll take
care of this knucklehead.
Oswald, he's gonna kill you.
Well then avenge me.
No, wait, avenge me first.
I'm a berserker
barbarian dwarf warrior!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ok.
Please.
We're larping,
we're having fun.
Please. Please.
Aaah!
(LEOPOLD ROARS)
Reinforcements!
(LADIES YELLING)
Ladies (REPEATING):
Pervert!
Ladies (REPEATING):
You pervert!
This is the sexiest
tournament ever.
(WHINNYING)
DEREK: I must admit,
you put on a somewhat believable show.
Just wait for the encore.
Why don't you save me the time,
Get on your knees in
front of me, and surrender.
I think you have me
confused with your mom.
Oh that's it, that is it.
Charge!
(WHINNYING)
He's losing.
CASSANDRA: Lloyd, if you win you
can fuck stick my sugar bowl.
Ah!
Get me out of this thing.
Give up.
I could.
Or I could simply
vaporize your sword.
Taum saw, de ecket, flesruar,
caforg, swordus, be goneus.
Oh crap.
Well then, do you
have anything to say,
Before I melt your
face with a spell
Straight from the dark gods.
Well, as a paladin,
I can cast divine exorcism,
Banishing you to
the twisting nether.
Yes, in theory,
you could do that,
But at your level,
You would need the fabled
one thousand sided die
To cast a spell like that
on an unbelievably awesome
Level 60 dark mage, as myself.
You don't mean,
one of these, do you?
It can't be.
What is it?
The thousand sided die is
a rare and powerful item,
Held by only the most
dedicated larpers,
Who even dare to perform
such a powerful spell.
With it, there is only a
one in one thousand chance
That Lloyd can lose.
Lactatus, intoleras, pesneris,
maxitosis matchus leakus.
Ha!
A critical miss.
Damn!
(INDISCERNIBLE SWEARING)
That was the one in
one thousand chance.
The gods of fate have
pre-Ordained my win,
And your loss.
You know what,
enough of this bullshit.
Right now,
right here, you and me,
No spells, no tricks.
Silence, I have to
decide what type of spell
Would be most humiliating
to end this battle.
Shall I turn you
into a buttercup,
Or perhaps a horrible kitten
with little rotten teeth?
You scared?
What?
Are you scared to
fight me man to man?
If you win by casting
some fruity spell,
It will be a hallow victory
because everybody here knows
It's because you were scared.
Your attempt to bait me
into some type of needless
Physical prowess
combat test, it's futile.
It's good, I'm glad then,
because, well I had Patrick
Break into your
place last night,
And take a shit on your copy
of prince finntor, number one.
You liar.
You liar!
The student has
become the master.
Blood gods,
why have you forsaken me?!
Well, I guess
the good guys win.
LLOYD: I have never worked
so hard to pass a class.
Lloyd, watch out!
Wha!
Lightning bolt.
Ah! Ah, it burns.
It burns like, ah!
It burns my
eyes like- Like piss!
Aaah!
I swore I'd never use
my magic in anger again.
I don't think one
relapse is that bad.
PATRICK: You guys should have seen
what those chicks did to Leopold.
OSWALD: Yeah, they kept calling
him a pervert as they beat him,
And I couldn't take it anymore,
I had to stop watching.
You did it.
Well, you helped a little.
Hey, where did Derek go?
Oh, he ran off into the woods
after Andy melted his face.
OSWALD: So those cool gnomes are
talking about getting some pizza.
I'm buying, but don't let that
unicorn shit in my sister's van.
(APPLAUSE)
PATRICK: Make sure to establish
that you're the one in charge.
If you let her take control,
it's gonna ruin your life.
I think they'll
be fine, Patrick.
Lloyd, the key to a good
relationship is compromise.
Oh, and don't forget
to sign a sex contract.
I'll keep that in mind.
What the hell's a sex contract?
How do you think me and
my internet girlfriend
Have been together for so long?
I'm never using
your keyboard again.
Ready to go?
- Are you?
- Mm-Hmm.
Alright Oswald,
take care of this one for me.
- Will do.
- Peace out boys.
OSWALD:
Bye Cassandra.
Hey, make sure to
be back at 8:00,
We got that new agent danger
movie on pay per view.
ANDY: And thus goes the tale
of Lloyd the conqueror.
Everything in our
world was set back
The way it was supposed to be.
Through hard fought battles,
and the bravery of the people,
Our larping league had
found its balance again.
Fun replaced fear,
teamwork replaced treachery.
The forests and playgrounds
reverberated with the whispers
And wonder of magic
and overall good times.
It was like all
the secrets of the larp
Had somehow remained pure,
And were able to show themselves
through us, once again.
That is, until the
shadows grow strong,
And rise to challenge the
forces of light, once again.
To do so, one
would need an object
Of great and terrible magic,
Whose price would be
one's soul and sanity.
No one would dare.
And so it is written, by me.
Anyway, I'm old, and I ramble.
So do you want to buy
a copy of my new book?
I don't know, you just
told me the whole thing.
What if I signed it?
Look, I'd really just like to
sign up for demons and dwarves,
And get out of here.
Ok, the registration
fee is $50,
But I must warn you,
It's uh,
non-Refundable.
I must also warn you,
Don't feed the unicorn tacos.
KLAUS:
For glory.
KLAUS: Oh yes,
yes, good
Jorgen.
Ooohh ha ha.
Oh, you can do more than that.
Come on, let's
see what you got.
Oh!
Oh, that was good, actually.
Hiya!
Oh, you got me unaware.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
(EVIL LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
ANDY:
It is here where our story begins.
A magical land that knew
peace for many, many years.
The sport of larping,
also known as
Live action role playing,
Was enjoyed across the
countryside by all who played.
(JOYFUL LAUGHTER)
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
But a shadow soon
fell over the land.
The dark one, Derek,
began his study of the larp,
Twisting its rules
to ensure victory.
His success
attracted many admirers,
Who easily became acolytes
in what was known as
The black crusade.
(YELLING AND CHEERING)
(WARRIORS YELLING)
ANDY: And the spirit of the game
was lost with their coming.
Fear replaced fun.
And treachery
replaced teamwork.
Holy shit.
(APPLAUSE)
ANDY:
Derek's grip grew stronger each year,
Until none
questioned his might.
And yet, whispers of change
are heard in the wind.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Can it be that a champion will
stand against the dark one?
And if so, is there
any chance of victory?
Kicking, kicking.
Kicking.
Yes. Good job.
Good job.
Ha, ha, ha.
- Ha!
- Oh!
[SWORDS CLANGING]
Stop it, Patrick,
you're making me lose.
Don't blame me
for your suckitude.
Oh sweet, I have
a gun in each hand.
Hammer brothers.
[SWORD SLASH AND SCREAMING]
You made me die.
I'm just trying
to help you, Oswald,
It's called
negative reinforcement.
Look, if you're not
gonna respect me,
At least have some
respect for the game.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[SWORDS CLANGING]
So check this out,
on my way home,
I happened to pass
where that hot chick
Teaches kung fu or whatever.
You just happen to pass
by that place every night,
You creepy bastard.
Yeah, but this time I happened
to glance in the window,
And me and her
made eye contact.
I'm 90% sure she smiled.
Like a rye, half smile.
Wow, that's like a fairy tale.
You guys wouldn't understand.
Anyway, let's get started
on this presentation.
What presentation?
The Beowulf project
for lit class.
I thought that wasn't
due till next week.
It is due in twelve
and a half hours,
And we've completed
approximately zero percent,
So that's literally putting
it off till the last minute.
I'm pretty sure that you and Oswald
said that you two would write it,
And then I would present
it in front of the class.
We did not.
I distinctly
remember you saying
I didn't have
to write anything.
I did not.
We're all gonna work on it.
We have to present a concise
analysis of an ancient text,
To the harshest
grader at the school
And you guys
are completely-
What is this Oswald?
Agent danger iii, die
dangerously, the video game.
I have been waiting
forever to play this game.
It's got multi-Player.
How about this,
we play one round,
Just to cleanse our palates,
Then we start
working on the project?
No, no way.
Are you shooting with
a gun in each hand?
Yeah.
Check this out, I'm gonna
shoot this guy in the junk.
VIDEO GAME:
Nut shot.
(LAUGHING)
Sweet.
Ok, one round, then
that's it, I'm serious.
[VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE
AND SWORD CLANGING]
Quit looking at my screen.
I'm not.
How are you finding me
every round and killing me?
That's like asking a
bumble bee how it buzzes.
Got ya, got ya, got ya.
I'm not playing
with a screen looker.
You're a screen
looker, dill hole.
It's 4:00 a.m.
Better hit the sack.
Me too.
What about the project?
We need a ten minute
report on Beowulf.
Beowulf?
More like
gay-O-Wolf.
Oh good, now we
have an opening.
Hey, don't stress
about it, Lloyd.
We'll throw something
together in the morning,
And I'll draw a
picture for visual aid.
Yeah, no sweat.
Have you guys even read it?
Patrick has my copy.
It was a little
dry for my taste.
We are so screwed.
[GUNSHOT]
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
Enter.
Dark mage Derek,
sovereign of gremloire,
Chieftain of the orc hordes,
I humbly beseech your audience.
Granted...
I suppose.
Did you have something to say,
Or are we just enjoying
each other's company?
It's the grand larping council.
Look, if I'm to have time
to fail all these quizzes
Before lunch, I need
you to get to the point.
The grand council has
decreed there will be no
Final battle at the end
of this year's season.
What?
They said there's not
enough teams registered.
They said you're
scaring everyone off.
Oliver, can you explain
to me how I will be
Declared champion if
there is no tournament?
Well you won't, there will
be no champions declared,
As there is no final battle.
Well that is the silliest
thing I've ever heard.
Am I to be punished
for excelling
In the deadly art of battle?
Yeah.
The grand council doesn't
want to see me win again.
They want to stop me
before I break the record
Of the white wizard.
It's all gnome politics.
Shut up, stop your groveling.
Well played grand
council, well played.
But you'll find it takes
more than politicking
To defeat the lord dark mage.
What we must do is
recruit a few fools
To register under
the forces of light.
But where does one
find such dimwits?
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
I told you I had
it covered buddy,
Just five minutes.
DEREK:
Whenever you're ready, ladies.
Yes. Oh Jesus.
Um, as you can see,
here's Beowulf, and he was...
well he was the greatest
warrior in the land.
And uh, he was six foot nine,
And had long-
Short black hair.
It's not to
scale, but he's-
LLOYD:
He swam half the time,
And also carried a weapon.
The shield fell off.
And uh...
oh, and he killed grendel.
We will now take questions.
Is this a joke?
This is it,
we goofed around too long,
And now we gotta pay the price.
Your negative
attitude is really
Bringing me down
right now, Lloyd.
Lloyd, all we have to do is just
take the class next semester.
Next semester?
You guys realize we
lose our financial aid
If our grades drop
below a 'c' average.
So?
I have a 'c' in all
my other classes.
Yeah, we're not idiots.
Oh no?
No. Not idiots,
are you sure?
If you take the 'c'
from your other classes,
And you add the 'f'
from this class,
That brings you
to a 'd' average.
Uh oh.
I can't help but feel partially
responsible for this situation.
You guys always do this.
You have one simple task
you have to accomplish,
And you get distracted
by some dumb...
[SIRENS]
Oh man.
Hey, fuck you and
the horse you rode in on!
I know you don't mean that.
I'm so sorry if I inconvenienced
your precious day.
I'm- I'm sorry,
Maybe you have me
confused with somebody else.
I saw the ambulance,
And just wanted to
see if everyone was ok.
Oh, uh, sorry about that.
The neighbors always complain
when the ambulance comes.
I just thought you
were one of them.
No, I'm not.
Lloyd.
Cassandra.
Anyways, I better.
Hey, do you get a lot
of ambulance visits, or?
Well, our training targets
keep getting injured.
I teach a woman's
self defense class,
Sometimes they get
a little enthusiastic.
So do you need to
know karate for that, or?
Not really, he's mostly
just there for me to
Demonstrate different
grappling moves on.
So what, he just puts on pads
and you wrestle for an hour?
Nothing too glamorous.
I was just showing
the girls how to
Choke out a guy using
only your inner thighs.
Um, it's a really weird
coincidence really because
I've been wanting to get into
women's self defense for like,
As long as I can remember,
and now, you have an opening.
There's no pay,
it's strictly volunteer.
It's not about the money.
Oh, that's an
attractive quality.
Identify a problem,
move in with a solution.
Well, you know me.
Well, you don't
like know me, but.
Ok Lloyd, I'll see
you Thursday at 8:00.
Ok, hey, thanks,
see you on Thursday.
I move in with
a problem, no, I-
I move in with a solution,
I move in with a solution.
Guys we have a problem,
If we don't
bring our grades up,
We will lose our financial aid.
The solution is
that we go in there
And ask very
politely for a redo.
Wow. I really like how
you just took charge,
And clearly stated
what you wanted to do.
So we go in there
and be very polite,
And ask nicely for a redo.
If he wants to shave a monkey
and roll it in pine nuts first,
Then we do it. Ok?
Alright.
Oswald here can give him a
hand job, to sweeten the deal.
- No, I will not.
- You damn well better.
If it comes to it, we will
all give Derek a hand job.
Fine.
Are you all three shaft men,
Or will one of you
be working the balls?
(LLOYD SIGHS)
Just so we're clear, gentlemen,
The only reason I'm seeing
you is because student bylaws
Demand I must provide
all of my students
With a minimum of five
minutes of outside class time.
(LLOYD CLEARS HIS THROAT)
Sir, we were hoping
to talk to you
Regarding
yesterday's presentation.
These bylaws, however,
state nothing about
Actually having to listen.
You now have four
point five minutes.
What is all this stuff?
Pussy repellant.
We need to know if we can have
a redo on the assignment.
We really need to
pass this class sir.
A redo?
That would only be fair.
Really?
Well yes, you had two
weeks to do an assignment,
And you did no work.
Aw, come on dude,
it's community college!
What do you mean by that?
It means that you're...
I think what Patrick
is trying to say is that
We know we made a huge mistake,
But we are very sorry.
I don't think that's
what he meant Lloyd,
- I think it's...
- It's not.
There must be some way.
I think there might
be two ways actually,
Slim and none.
We will literally
do whatever it takes.
Not whatever it takes,
I mean, there's a few things
we're probably not gonna...
Oswald.
Whatever it takes.
There might be one way.
Name it.
The infernal accord.
[MUSIC STOPS]
DEREK:
No one?
A literary device, also known
as making a deal with the devil.
A party makes
a deal with Satan,
Knowing the odds are
stacked against him,
But his desire is so great,
He's willing to risk
his immortal soul.
And then he wins
against all odds?
No, in post-Victorian
gothic literature,
The protagonist always fails,
And is thus damned to
the eternal fires of hell.
You want us to sell
our souls to the devil?
I want you to register
in my larping league
Under the forces of light.
Do this, I will
supply you dick weeds
With enough extra credit
to maintain a passing grade.
And if we win the whole
thing, do we get like an
Extra, extra credit?
You would have to
defeat me to win.
Yeah, so what do
we get when we win?
If you manage,
by some magic feat,
To win, I'll give you an 'a+'.
That grade, in my
class, gentlemen,
Is as elusive as the
mythical one thousand sided die.
- We accept.
- What?!
Lloyd, what are you doing?
Where do we sign up?
The den of he,
Formerly known as
the white wizard.
And is that a real place?
The sentry box, in Kensington,
By the discount carpet store.
The entry fee is $50.
(QUIETLY) $50?
Time's up gentlemen.
Now leave me to
my dark studies,
Before I change my mind.
So does this mean that we
still have to come to class?
Alright, ok.
PATRICK: I hope this isn't
what we're expected to wear.
It's just a painting
for the wall.
It looks comfortable.
- Would you do that orc?
- Yes.
With a condom.
I'm sorry sir,
that's not something
That we usually keep in stock,
But uh, I can certainly special
order a loin cloth for you.
Yeah, oh, I definitely
recommend athletic support.
Or you could just
tape it to your leg.
Yeah, oh yeah.
Good day sir.
We are well met, young one.
How may I be of service to you?
The larping tournament thing,
Can we sign up for that here?
Oh, you wish to brave
the ancient lands,
Beyond the gale pass shores,
Where tribes of krakentroll
Slaughter unwary pilgrims
such as yourselves.
If that's where the tournament
is at, then I guess so.
Actually it's usually
out at the park
Behind the old elementary
school, but uh...
DAGMAR:
Foulest treachery!
Yes, no, the
book of rules states
That such a
maneuver is allowed.
You- You side with Jorgen
just to gain flavour.
Sorry about that.
Tempers can get
quite hot around here.
Yeah, well actually
we're not too familiar
With the sport of larping.
Ok, I've seen some pretty
scary stuff in here,
But will someone please give
me a little clarification
In what we're getting
ourselves into.
Live action role
playing, or larping,
Is not easily summarized,
It is many things
to many people.
Don't you guys just bang
each other with fake swords?
I saw an internet video
where a guy with a wizard's hat
Threw tin foil
balls at his cat.
ANDY:
Its not just about sword play,
Or mysteries of the
arcane and incantations.
Larping is more pure,
it's about casting aside
The shackles of the mundane,
Throwing yourself
in harm's way,
For the sake of
something more noble.
Yeah, so like capture the flag,
Except with fake swords.
And you could say that sex is
Wrestling without clothes on.
Dude, have you even had sex?
Trust me, I've wrestled
without clothes on.
My romantic life is not the
topic of discussion here.
He didn't mean any harm.
I am not naive as to the way
That larping is perceived
by the outside world.
And I will not allow
you to joke about
Something that
we hold so dearly.
Please leave.
No, no, you have
to let us sign up.
I am a level 80 wizard!
I don't have to do anything!
Go.
You too moor, go.
Thanks a lot man.
You always do this, why do you
always douche out like this?
Ok, you know what,
look, just chill,
I'm gonna sort it, alright?
Hey, I'm sorry,
I didn't get your name.
I didn't say it.
But I am Andy, son of Chester,
Keeper of this
humble house of games.
It was once known
as the white wizard,
But uh, that was
a long time ago.
Uh, so are you a good wizard,
or a bad wizard?
I serve the king,
And protect those that
cannot protect themselves.
Oh good, because
me and my friends
Signed an infernal accord
with an evil warlord,
Who has beseeched incredible
injustice upon us.
Injustice?
Yeah, horrible.
And the only way is for us
to enter this tournament.
May I ask the identity
of this dark warlord?
His name's is Derek.
Derek?
He teaches one of our classes.
I am aware of Derek the unholy,
Servant of the gremloire.
Really, you know him?
Yes, and I can't sign you up.
Why not?
For your own safety.
But we want to join.
Trust me,
you'll thank me later.
Wait, this is like
a public thing, right?
I suppose, if you want
to lean on a technicality.
Get the forms,
we're not joking around here.
Are you sure I can't
talk you out of this?
No.
I must warn you,
Your entrance fee
is non-Refundable.
Well?
Oh, you mean now?
Yeah, now would be fine.
Oh, sign this,
I'll be right back.
Can you believe this guy?
Yeah, I can.
Never mind, Oswald.
You will need these,
inside is all the information
You will need to lead
yourselves to victory, or not.
Great, thank you.
Your first match is Saturday,
Your opponents are the danes.
What?!
Prepare the camera,
I would like a photo of my
extreme victory for our blog.
They are mighty warriors,
And you must be prepared
if you plan to defeat them.
Awesome.
Good luck, young warriors,
You will need it.
How much for this?
I'm a man of peace.
[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
Come in.
LLOYD:
Open the door!
I said come in!
My hands are full,
open the door!
What did he say?
I don't know, something dumb.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey... buddy.
We couldn't hear you
over the television!
What's all that junk?
Stuff for our
weapons and armor.
We have to make our own?
This is already annoying me.
Why do we need armor?
Come here, I'll show you.
Ow! That was
really unnecessary.
Was it?
What were those warriors
that just fought naked,
I'll just be one of those.
I think you have larping
Confused with the
dream you had last night.
Oh ho ho.
Touch.
Been reading these books,
and it says the first thing
We need to do is to come
up with our characters.
Oh, I'll be agent danger,
that way I get to
Carry a gun in each hand.
We're gonna be fighting
orcs and krakentrolls,
Not ninja terrorists.
What the hell is a
krakentroll anyways?
I don't know, it's like a
Monster or something,
I don't know.
No, no, according to this book,
it says it's a twisted spawn
Of an unholy union
between troll and demon.
This just keeps getting lamer.
I was gonna tell you guys,
I found out that orcs typically
Eat their enemies after
they defeat them in battle.
So?
That's some twisted shit, man!
They eat people, Lloyd!
Shhh.
Dude, we're not gonna
be fighting real orcs,
Just virgins painted green.
You know if we sit around
making clever jokes all night,
Those virgins are
gonna kick our butts,
Because we won't be prepared.
Whatever, I'll just
do mine in the morning.
Yeah, me too, I wanna
finish this chapter.
But we agreed
we'd do this tonight.
You're the one who
wants us to win so bad,
So it only seems fair that
you make all our armor,
And all our weapons.
Ok, 'a', that's stupid,
'B', what about
your characters?
Just pick something.
We don't care.
You know what, fine.
I wouldn't want either of you
To put any effort
into anything ever!
Oh, hey Lloyd,
Can you make my armor
like extra thick?
Ugh.
Thanks.
What am I supposed to be?
You're a fairy wizard,
You cast spells with your wand.
Why do I have to be the fairy?
I thought you didn't care
what your costume was.
So disappointed
in you right now.
You are a warrior.
I wanted to be a hobbit.
Be a hobbit warrior.
I can't even see
out of this thing.
Not my problem.
Good morning, my young
warriors, and fairy.
Hey Andy, we haven't
spotted the danes yet.
Really, they're
usually very punctual.
Orcs have landed.
Come on, let's get them.
Prepare for the horde.
What is the meaning of this?
We have come to make battle
with the sub creatures,
To teach them the
futility of their quest,
And give them a
taste of the future,
Without having to
build a time machine.
The danes were
scheduled for this match,
Not your foul horde.
Yes, it was the
strangest thing,
I gave them exact directions,
But they called an hour ago,
Saying that they
were completely lost,
And going to be late.
Control, we got a
potential situation here.
We are going to
commandeer this steel chariot
To take us to the land
beyond the galepass shores.
We have agreed
to stand in for them,
So they will not
be disqualified.
Wait, we have to
fight him already?
I'm afraid so,
it is within the rules.
Take your positions.
On this spot, over
3,000 man years ago,
Two armies collided in battle.
Really, right here?
The orc raiders,
led by the dark mage,
Derek of gremloire,
attacked the outer
Settlements of
the human's empire,
A trail of bloody
corpses marked their path.
(YELLS)
The emperor foresaw the green
skin incursion, and dispatched.
Who's your leader?
Fairy baron Patrick
von hugen balls,
Slayer of orc scum.
(PATRICK SPITS)
That's really not necessary.
The emperor's edict was simple,
Protect the settlement from
The foul stench
of the orcish horde.
Humans, to win,
you must prevent the orcs
From reaching the settlement,
and pillaging their women.
Or slay them all.
Prepare yourselves.
Hark, the drums
of war beat loudly.
[PATHETIC WHISTLE BLOW]
Let the larp begin.
The baron throws
caution to the wind,
And charges the orc line.
Ow, it hit me in the eye.
The hobbit warrior has been
slain by the cruel orcish arrow.
I'll avenge you Oswald!
I will use your scalp to
make booties for my brood.
You won't.
Ow, ow, ow.
PATRICK:
Orc scum.
Get away
from me you-
Aaaah!
[PATRICK SCREAMING]
I will cast resurrection
so Oswald may live again.
- Thank you Lloyd.
- You got it.
Erectus obsecuis
labitra, pro homo.
A success.
Rise young Oswald.
Is my still supposed to hurt,
Because it does, a lot.
DEREK:
I will counter that spell,
Nexium, orcana,
zethromat, formatta.
(CHEERING)
And the spell
has been countered.
What?
Now please be seated.
Ha. Give up.
I shall cast
teleportation on myself.
My destination
is the park bench.
Lourdes, bombalus,
scenip, valtraxium.
ANDY: And the spell is a success,
unless-
Quick, Lloyd, counter it,
Otherwise they'll win.
I- Shit,
I- I can't find it.
And you never will,
with the basic spell book.
Teleportation is only
in the limited edition
Twelfth anniversary of
the advanced spell book.
That's the lamest
thing I've ever heard.
You are calling me lame?!
Look at me!
Feast your eyes on me,
drink it in,
Look at my cool helmet!
(CHEERING)
ANDY:
Victory to the orcs.
OSWALD:
No! Why?!
(CHEERING)
Well fellas,
what did you think?
You were right, we should
have listened to you
When you were trying to
convince us not to join.
Yeah, we suck.
And my eye still hurts.
I want my $50 back.
Your $50?
No, no, I want my $50 back.
No, no, no,
$50 is my standard fee
For wearing a fairy outfit!
Hold on a second.
You know, the elven kingdom
of gorg was not built in a day.
Your instincts were impeccable.
I have not seen newcomers
with so much potential
Since before
the black crusades.
Yeah, I think we're
just gonna call it quits.
Well, remember, the entrance
fee is still non-Refundable.
I tried to warn all of you.
Whatever.
We'll figure
something else out.
There has to be another way.
You know, I think you're gonna
have to give Derek that hand job.
Shut up.
You shouldn't limit yourselves
to the physical realm.
Look inside, perchance a
heart job is the solution.
Gross.
Do you gentlemen know the
story of the two foot mage?
No.
Ha ha, it's a marvelous story.
Anyway, the two foot mage
was missing two things.
Listen, I don't care.
You know the details of
the story aren't important,
The moral is about having fun,
Which has been a rare commodity
Since Derek and
his black crusades.
LLOYD: Listen,
maybe it was kind of fun,
But if we win we get
an 'a' in Dereks class.
Well, I could come out of
retirement one last time,
And train you.
Why are you retired?
It's a long story,
I swore I'd never
take on another student.
Yeah, but you're like a
level 80 wizard, I mean,
That's pretty good, right?
I can melt faces with
the flick of a finger,
And the role of an eight sided
die, so yeah, yeah pretty good.
Wow.
Do you really think you
can help us win this thing?
Well, it won't be easy.
But by krom,
we'll give it our best.
I demand a cooler costume!
That can be done.
And it wouldn't
be a terrible idea
To think about maybe
adding another team member.
Maybe somebody
more uh, warriorly.
I know just the bad ass.
Alright, throw it like
you mean it, Rosie.
Hiya.
Ok, ok, um, ok.
Just imagine some dirty
pervert is about to
Soil your flower, ok,
he's got his filthy hands
All over you, and the
only way you can stop him
Is to crush his windpipe!
Yah.
Don't worry,
I'm sure when it happens,
You will have the
eye of the tiger.
Alright, girls,
let's partner up
And practice
what we've learned.
You have a real gift.
Oh, for teaching,
yeah I don't know,
I just do it to pass the
time and stay in shape, I guess.
Really?
You're such a natural.
My real passion is
competitive cage fighting,
But I'm banned
from all the circuits
Due to unnecessary cruelty.
What if I told you I had a
Competitive fighting
opportunity for you?
Fuck you man, no, I don't do
that Russian bullshit, ok,
It's not sanctioned,
you guys have fucking
Ripped me off
way too many times.
Ok, no, whatever that is,
This is not that,
this is different.
It may sound weird,
but I actually need some help
Fighting some
wizards and elves.
Oh, look, hey man,
In another time I
used to hang out in
Little Tokyo,
walking the street,
Looking for every
chance I could to bite
The head off the golden monkey.
I would have done anything
for just another toke,
I would have
sold my own cousin.
I was sleeping on the streets,
Using my own shoes as
a pillow, but I kicked it.
Yeah.
I fucking kicked it,
and I found this,
And you can too.
You can, ok, but I
run a drug free dojo,
So get the fuck out of here
until you get your shit clean.
No, no, I'm not
smoking the smack.
I'm actually talking
about a sporting type thing
My friends and I got
involved in called larping,
And it's where you dress up and
pretend to be wizards and hit
Each other with foam swords,
and it's kind of fun, kind of.
And I need it to maintain
my financial aid at school.
Hmm. I guess my
mother was right
When she said I'd regret
not going to college.
Good one.
But I really could use
your help, volunteering,
In much the same way that
I selflessly volunteered
To help you, here at the dojo.
Ok, I need to
practice on someone.
Will it help you say yes?
Practicing helps me think.
Ok.
What do I do?
Punch me.
Ha ha, I'm all into equal
rights and everything,
But remember I'm
a man, and therefore
20 times biologically
stronger than any woman.
Just do it.
Ok, but only because
you're a professional.
Here it comes.
Ow, that was totally awesome.
Do you have to wear costumes?
Yeah, I can help you
make one if you want.
Ya!
I'll pick my own costume.
Ok, yeah, cool.
LLOYD: And then,
she threw me to the ground
With some crazy ninja move.
It was so cool.
You realize you are bragging
you got beat up by a girl?
Yeah, but her boob brushed
against me while I was pinned.
- Really?
- Yes.
Well, it might have been her
knee, but I don't think so.
So hold on, you're saying that
if this girl joins our team,
That we all get
the same treatment?
No, but our team is
gonna be so bad ass.
Wait a minute,
I'm onto you buddy.
- What?
- What?
This whole larping thing
is just one of your
Weird plans to
get with this girl.
No, it isn't.
I read your book you
magnificent bastard.
No, we're doing
this to get the 'c',
So we can keep our financial
aid, and stay in school.
Besides, the other day
was kind of fun, right?
Yeah, it was ok.
Ok, fine, but I want you to
understand something about
This Cassandra chick, you say
she's all into cage fighting,
And seizing the
day and all that.
Right.
Well, mentally she's a dude,
So you need to stop
pussyfooting around,
Just be direct with her.
I'm not just gonna
ask her out, man,
I need to lay some groundwork.
No, don't ask her out,
Just start talking dirty
to her, see how she responds.
What?
Ok, hey look at me,
say hey, Cassandra,
I think your honey pot
needs a hot beef injection,
See how she reacts to that.
My guess is positively.
Wow.
That's some really good advice,
how can I ever thank you?
Hey, Patrick, do you think that
would work with my girlfriend.
That dude off the
internet doesn't count.
ANDY:
Now that we're all here,
Will everyone please make
a circle around me, join hands.
The bond that holds
this circle together
Is the same bond
betwixt all those
Who take part in the larp.
Now tell me, what force
quickens this band of warriors.
LLOYD:
A sort of moderate commitment?
Protein?
Lloyd, commitment,
that was an answer.
And yours was also
an answer, sort of.
But there is a dark side.
King Weiner, aka Derek.
Huh, foolish yes,
but not the darkest, no.
That mantle belongs
to my former protege,
So promising, so powerful.
Andy?
It's still hard
for me to talk about.
What is?
Nothing, uh.
Release the circle.
It's time for you to
choose your characters.
Can I be a robot sent back
in time to battle the orcs?
Huh, it appears that my guidance
is needed, young Oswald.
Give me a word to
describe yourself.
Um, deadly, but happy.
Dwarves are the
happiest folk I know,
Until roused to anger.
I'll be berserker barbarian
dwarf warrior, aroo!
ANDY:
Excellent.
Battle cry needs a little
bit of work, but...
Arooo.
Oh no, I didn't mean now,
work on it later at home.
Later.
Patrick, what quality
guides your foot?
My devilishly handsome face.
Perhaps your wits
match your looks.
Doth a halfling rogue conceal
himself in your heart?
What?
Do you think maybe you
could play a halfling rogue?
- Think about it later.
- Yeah.
Cassandra.
I'm fast, and I
can land a punch.
Yes, and if you
learn to use a bow,
You would be the spitting
image of an elvish ranger.
Cool.
- Lloyd.
- Huh, yes.
I noticed the other day
that your instincts were to
Cast a spell to
protect your friends,
Rather than to lash out
at the enemy in anger.
Yeah, I guess those paladin
guys are pretty cool.
Warrior priests, indeed,
They're very cool.
Well, you have a long
road ahead of you,
It has really just begun.
There is much work
still to be done here.
We have a little something
to assist us in our training.
Oswald.
I did a little research,
and I discovered that
Business type groups keep
up their productivity,
By measuring their
overall efficiency,
Using charts and other graphs.
I call it,
LLOYD AND OSWALD:
The wall of awesome.
I helped.
LLOYD:
Agent danger is at the top,
And lameness
increases exponentially
The further down you go.
PATRICK:
Who's that guy at the bottom?
That's George
Washington carver.
He was my idea.
Isn't that the guy that
invented peanut butter?
Why is the father of
peanut butter the most lame?
Hey, my granddad
died of a nut allergy.
PATRICK:
We should put your granddad down there.
Hey, my ferret was hit by one
of those electric hybrid cars,
So that should be on there.
I'm not saying the wall
of awesome is perfect,
But it's something.
ANDY: This fearless tribe of
warriors possesses many gifts,
All of which
you will call upon,
While facing the
dangers ahead of you.
With the creation
of your characters,
You've all dedicated
your minds to the larp.
Now it is time to dedicate
your bodies, and your hearts.
As we progress, you will
all feel your bodies change,
Your hands will
move more surely,
Your eyes will
see more clearly.
Hair will grow where
it never grew before.
That's actually just a nasty
rumor, Patrick, believe me.
Shall we continue?
There are two types of magic,
The first is
precast battle magic.
These are your lightning
bolts, and arctic blasts.
No, what are you doing?
Those are live
rounds my friend.
They are to be used in battle,
against an opponent, like this.
Please cover your ears.
Please, for your safety.
Lightning bolt.
As you can see, quite deadly.
The second type of
magic is spell casting.
Your comrade has been
struck by a poison arrow,
He will die within one round,
unless he can heal himself.
Poison, ok.
Ok, here, general
antidote spell.
By Odins beard,
I banish-
How am I supposed
to recite the spell?
This is your spell book.
Your brain.
In hand to hand combat,
your skills are astounding.
I know.
But the elves' first weapon is
the bow, so please, fire away.
By Odins beard,
that was close.
Sorry.
Try again, but this time,
Focus on the target,
not the weapon.
I have the
highest faith in you.
Oh wait, hold on a second.
Fire away.
You truly have a mighty
warrior within your soul.
I think you're prepared
to go to the next battle.
Charge!
What, are you afraid
to fight me with honor?
The arrow takes ten hit points.
How weak, I have over 30 hps.
Ok.
Ah, oh.
Get back, back to the abyss.
No, we are from Copenhagen.
What?
Yes, it was ranked the most
Livable city by
monocle magazine.
PATRICK:
Aah!
A critical hit.
The rogue has slain his foe.
- Ow.
- Sorry.
But I have much left to do.
Whoa.
JORGEN: You fight not as men do,
more as women and Swedes.
Guys, I need some
help over here.
Can't Lloyd, we're larping.
Wait, did you say you
had a larping blog?
Yeah, we use it to record
our victories and our wounds,
And to show our
badges of honor.
Would you like the url?
Uh sure, do you have it on you?
On me, uh?
Arctic blast, arctic blast,
I arctic blasted you.
You do not care about my url.
So do you want to
do a counter spell?
Magic is for the weak,
I will fight with honor.
Jorgen thunder thighs,
You will remain frozen
for the next 15 seconds.
Dagmar, you should
document my beating.
Maybe it is you who
should record my defeat.
Sorry.
Victory.
We won, I think we won.
You can unfreeze now.
[GLASS SMASHING]
What do you mean that
they defeated the danes
And the white wizard
is training them?!
And don't forget the girl,
she looks really dangerous.
I'm not forgetting
the girl, Oliver.
They actually have
a chance at winning,
And foiling my
plans of breaking
The white wizard's
wonderful winning record.
So what are you going to do?
I'm going to take
a play from your book,
And try to pussy my way out.
Ok.
And he was like, I'll sell your
soul to the twisting nether.
And I was like your
mom's a twisting nether.
Oops.
(LAUGHING)
OSWALD:
Im ok.
So you really kicked
ass out there today.
Yeah, well I'm glad you
invited me to join your army.
You guys are kind of fun.
They're ok,
but I think the enjoyment
You're feeling is
more Lloyd centered.
Maybe.
Alright, I'm taking off,
keep it clean gentlemen.
Maybe I should walk you home.
I can take care of myself.
- Yeah.
- See you later.
Ok. See ya.
[DOOR CLOSES]
You should have told
her to slob your knob.
OSWALD:
Why do you guys keep doing this to me?
PATRICK:
Shhh.
Well...
I kind of like it.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Oh, hello Lloyd, how are you?
I'm ok, just heading to class.
Great, great, listen, I've
been worried about you boys
Getting distracted
from your school work.
Uh, no, um, I think we're fine.
Yes, but I would hate for
any of this larping nonsense
To interfere with
your academics,
It is grades first, you know.
Nah, don't worry, it's actually
going better than expected.
Oh, fantastic.
How about this, you withdraw
From the demons
and dwarves league,
And I will give you
and your friends a 'c',
No questions asked.
We can't withdraw.
I'm offering to pass you.
Just say yes.
Well, see there's this girl,
And I think she might like me,
But I kind of think we
need more face time, so.
Just say yes, Lloyd.
I'm sorry I can't do that.
You think you're so big,
don't you Lloyd?
Just regular size.
With your perfect hair.
It's just hair.
Do you want me to fail you?
Wait a minute, we have
an infernal accord,
You have to give
us extra credit.
I would never consider
breaking the infernal accord,
But I can grade your
assignments extra critically,
Meaning you will
fail this class.
What's your problem, man?
You wanted us to sign up,
now you want us out, what?
My problem is that you broke
the spirit of the contract
By seeking help
from the white wizard.
Drop out now, or
suffer the consequences.
Screw you.
We're gonna win the
tournament, and get the 'a+'.
So be it.
You have fealed your own sate.
You mean, sealed your own fate?
Fuck!
Scratch your name from
the dead man's scroll,
Command to earth
your eternal soul.
Ok remember attackers,
you want to hurt this person.
Go.
Ok, class, we're gonna
try something new.
I want you each to
choose a character,
Somebody whose
abilities you admire,
Be it physical or emotional,
And I want you to
channel their strength.
Can I be Beth, dog the
bounty hunter's wife?
If it helps.
Say aloha to Jesus.
Ha!
- Ha!
- Oh!
Excellent, excellent Rosie.
Now remember, to keep up
the attack once he goes down,
You do not want him
getting back up. Go.
Ha, ha, ha, ha,
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Excellent, excellent.
Alright, next.
DEREK: Leopold, I have come forth
to ask for your assistance.
I'd like you to join
the black crusade.
We are orcs, your favored
race if I remember correctly.
The only thing standing between
us and victory, is Andy.
The white wizard
has re-Emerged.
Indeed.
And he has taken new students.
I've heard him boast
that they will be
100 times more powerful
than you ever were.
Revenge will be
yours if you serve me.
I bow only to the blood gods.
Of course.
I just meant,
surely your blood gods
Would not want to see
the white wizard return.
If your destiny
serves their will,
Then I am yours to command.
As long as you know
who the boss is.
That has never
been in question.
- Ah!
- Oh!
Oh, ah!
Excellent power rose,
I meant Beth,
Dog the bounty hunter's wife.
Go show them.
Ok.
Steady.
I think Rosies
really improving.
I pity the pervert who
tries to take her flower.
You know Lloyd, I need to talk
to you in the back office.
Sure.
You're gonna have to help me.
Thank you.
Look, I just, I wanted to
thank you for helping us,
I know it's not easy.
No problem.
I think I found
my true calling.
No, but I mean, really,
I don't' want the girls
To see me get all mushy,
but thank you.
Ok.
And I wanted to tell
you something too.
And that is that I think
you're a really cool girl,
And I was wondering
if you and I could maybe
Hang out sometime?
Mmmph, we hang out
a lot already.
- Ok. Ok.
- Ok.
Wait!
Yes.
Uh...
just let me finish.
Ok.
Um, I just wanted
to say that, uh...
um, I want to...
I um...
I want to long dick
your quivering sex hole!
I am so sorry.
Shut up!
Oswald, are we gonna
practice today, or what?
Gimme a minute.
Come on buddy, hurry up,
It's not gonna make
you lose any quicker.
I didn't mean to lead you on,
I don't want to give
you the wrong idea.
Aaaaa!
Ah!
Hey, hey, hey.
Oswald, Oswald.
Ah!
Aaaaaa!
Aaaaaa!
(SCREAMING AND GRUNTING)
(OSWALD SCREAMS)
(PANTING)
That was intense.
Was?
We're not done yet.
Yes, we are doing this next.
Uh, I don't think I have the
upper body strength to do that.
Oh, I think with
the right motivation.
Aah!
I'll give it a shot, I mean,
What's the worst
that can happen?
ANDY:
I told you I cannot afford that.
Go ahead,
won't hurt to touch it.
That's it.
Perhaps we can
work something out.
It's mint.
All you must do
is make sure your
New students
fail spectacularly.
Foul temptress, I refuse thee.
Perhaps twenty ducats
will sweeten the deal.
Never.
You still don't understand
what it's all about.
Very well.
Save your applause.
No.
The white wizard.
I believe you two
know each other.
You've grown old and weak.
I draw my strength
not from within,
But from those who larp
and are pure of heart.
If only you knew the
power of the blood gods.
If you're its example,
then color me unimpressed.
I defeated you, didn't I?
Low blow.
Sometimes it is the lowest
blow that strikes the hardest.
Yeah, I don't have
a comeback for that one.
But rest assured, I will do
everything within my power
To make sure that you are
vanquished on the battlefield.
And I will be sure
to taste the fresh blood
Of your new students.
Leave them out of this,
For this is between you and me.
Oh?
Or is it between you and I?
I'm warning you, they will not
succumb to your dark treats.
Ha.
You will protect
them from the shadows,
As you protected me?
You wouldn't dare.
I would dare.
No.
Yeah.
No.
- Yeah.
- Nah uh.
- I'm gonna do it.
- Not gonna happen.
It's happening.
Better not.
- Yeah, I am.
- Nah uh.
I said it, then I
repeated it several time...
For the love of
Odins sack, enough.
To think I almost wasted my
Prince finntor on
a cry baby like you.
Wah.
Cruel destiny.
LLOYD: Andy, what's wrong,
you said you had important news?
ANDY:
I do.
Tell me, what would
you like to hear first,
The good news, or the bad news?
Or the really bad news?
The good news.
No, I think we should
listen to the bad news first,
Then the good, then
the really bad news,
So we break up the bad things.
Why don't we do the good last,
And then we can end the
meeting on an upbeat note?
Yeah, but then we run
the risk of not taking
The really bad news as
seriously as we should.
PATRICK: Why don't we just
start with the really bad news?
Then we'd have the same
problem Oswald brought up.
Ok, shut up.
It's gonna go good,
bad, then really bad.
No, but Lloyd...
I'm the leader,
and that's my order.
Fine, whatever, it's not
even that big a deal.
Good.
Andy, please continue,
good news first.
The final scores
for the season are in,
And Lloyd and the conquerors
Are the highest ranked
team on the side of light.
Yes!
Whoo!
So we won?
And we get to pass
Dereks stupid class?
Not exactly.
As the highest ranked
team in your faction,
It is your duty to
lead the forces of light
In the final
battle of the season.
Say what?
Well, each year,
the larping season ends
With a final battle,
featuring the forces of light
Against the hordes of chaos.
Lloyd, you will be
commanding those forces.
Me?
And I bet I can guess who's
gonna lead the other side?
Derek.
Unfortunately yes.
So that's the bad news?
Oh, young Oswald,
if only it were so.
No. The final battle
takes place this weekend.
And Cassandra will
not be on your side.
Crap in a hat!
LLOYD:
We've seen Derek on the field,
As long as we have
a good game plan,
And work together,
we have a chance.
Yes, we have a chance,
we have a chance.
Andy, why don't you just
come out of retirement
And take my place on the team?
If you had asked
me this morning,
I might have said yes.
But now I see that it's your
path to follow, not mine.
Does this have something to
do with the really bad news?
It does.
This afternoon, Derek
presented himself to me.
He offered me a mint copy
of prince finntor number one.
That son of a bitch.
Yes, indeed.
He offered me the book, if
I would ensure your failure.
And you threw it right
back in his face, right?
Never.
Finntor number one is
an important document
That must be preserved
for posterity's sake.
But you did turn
him down, right?
Oh, of course.
It was then that he
revealed his alliance
With Leopold,
my former student.
My greatest student.
How did Derek get one of your
students to join the bad guys?
It wasn't through
Dereks cunning,
But more through my
failure as a teacher.
When Leopold first
came under my tutelage,
He was the most eager
larper I had ever seen.
He immersed himself
in the fantasy,
Sharpening his mind
and body until he became
The greatest
warrior in the land.
His strength was such that even
the local school children no
Longer harassed us when we used
their playground for larping.
No one stood against him.
And I, of course,
encouraged him,
Thinking that he would
remain our champion of light,
And would forever keep
the forces of evil at bay.
I should have taught him
temperance and patience,
For his quest for power led him
To embrace the
blood gods of chaos.
He fell deeper and deeper,
Until he started to believe
in his own dark fantasies.
It all ended
one terrible night,
When he became
convinced that his family
Was actually a pack of gnomes
Trying to steal
his magic armor.
After he set his
sister's dog on fire,
He was deposited in the
local mental institution,
Where he has
remained until Derek
Summoned him for his dark pact.
So basically what you're
saying is we have to defeat
The darth Vader of larping?
I would never compare
these epic events
To that crude space opera.
But yeah, basically.
Hmmm...
that guy's certainly a virgin.
Maybe there's a way we can
just volunteer, you know?
We don't have to actually
larp and get killed,
We can just help out.
It's fine, guys it's fine,
We'll figure something out.
Lloyd, as their leader,
There's something I must
share with you, alone.
It's been a long time,
But I know it's
in here somewhere.
[CUPBOARD DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
Hah, there it is.
Perhaps you can
find a use for this.
Andy, is this what
I think it is?
Indeed, it is.
If I wasn't out of commission,
I would take this Leopold
clown out in 12 seconds flat.
Believe me,
I wish you could too.
All you need is
a good strategy,
I can still help you with that.
Andy thinks this
guy is dangerous,
I don't want to be part
of somebody being hurt.
Do you know what I teach the
girls in myself defense class?
Predators prey on the weak.
So just use your
perceived weakness
To catch the
assailant off guard.
And then you just
remove his testicles
With a shaolin tiger grip.
Who knew self defense
could be so hot?
Focus.
Half a moon from now,
The combined forces of
light will stand before us.
But theirs is a hopeless cause,
Their mantra is honor
and righteousness,
But there's no honor in defeat.
And it is the victor who
defines what is righteous.
Every year these weaklings
fall under our blade,
And this year shall
be no exception.
Half a moon from now,
what time is that exactly?
Just so I can sync my watch.
I am not required to
explain what half a moon is.
If you do not know
what half a moon is,
You should not be here.
There are tales that we
shall face the disciples
Of the prophet of light,
The white wizard.
Yes it is true, the
disciples of the white wizard
Lead the forces of light,
and if that concerns you
Or anyone else here,
then fuck off!
I live by the ancient
KRAKENTROLL PROVERB:
If your opponent
brandishes a stave,
Then in turn you must
unsheathe your claymore.
Leopold, step forward.
Those of you who choose to stay
Will stand shoulder to
shoulder with none other
Than Leopold the destroyer.
Death to the white wizard!
CROWD:
Death to the white wizard!
Aahh!
Then you just come around here,
And boom, his balls are yours.
This could actually work.
You leave in pieces.
OSWALD:
Look at him.
I mean, what do guys like
that do in their spare time?
I mean,
does he cross-Stitch,
Work on cars, or scrapbook?
Really successful guys
like that always have
Some sort of dark secret,
like I bet you he's into
Some weird kind of
porn or something.
Puppet porn?
Yeah, he's definitely
into puppet porn.
That's sick.
[DOOR OPENS]
You guys ready for this?
For what, mister I
didn't show up last night.
To go over the battle plan.
Oh, I've already got one,
first we get surrounded,
Then Leopold beats
the crap out of us,
Then we lose the game
and fail the class.
Your bright outlook
is very inspiring.
Yeah, so is he way
I banged your mom.
So since you just said
you had sex with my mom,
I don't feel nearly as bad
About the confession
I have to make.
And what's that?
Derek offered us an easy out,
And I told him to
go screw himself.
What's he talking
about Patrick?
He said if we dropped out of
the demons and dwarves larp,
He'd go ahead
and give us a 'c'.
And you refused?
Yeah, I did.
Mm-Hmm.
And if we don't win and
get the 'a+', we fail.
What the f, Lloyd?!
Why would you do that?!
Because I wanted to show him,
And all the other
Dereks of the world
That we're not just gonna
roll over and take it.
We will stand,
and we will conquer.
No, no, no, wait a second,
This has something
to do with Cassandra.
No.
PATRICK:
You're right, Oswald.
He puts our grades on the line,
just so he can bang Cassandra,
Then he finally bangs her
and he breaks her leg,
Now she can't even
help us get an 'a'.
It's ok, because
Cassandra and I came up
With a really
great battle plan.
Yeah, does your
plan include this?
Since class has been
disrupted due to my injury,
I've scheduled a very
special training session
For this weekend, it will
give you a chance to
Really utilize the skills
you've learned in class.
MALE IN CLASS:
This isn't another class where we
Fight the guy in the
padded suit again, is it?
ROSIE: I didn't feel
threatened by that guy at all.
I just can't wait till a
pervert really comes after me.
Trust me, this will
be the most intense
Training session
you will ever have.
It'll be just like you're
surrounded by actual perverts.
Dick.
Hey elfy, two questions.
Ok.
First, I want to
register, second,
Why are you dressed like
a science fiction character,
When you're at a fantasy
larping tournament?
For the record,
that was one question, ok?
And to answer
your one question,
Unlike everyone else here,
I like to be creative,
and not follow the crowd.
My character is
from star fleet,
I've been sent back
in time to observe
Primitives like
yourself in an effort to
Refine our
cultured way of life.
So why don't you just
give me your 25 bucks,
And then you and
your primate friends
Can go in and bash
each other over the head.
Come on.
You know what, bite me.
Oh, well,
live long and pro-
Oh wait, my fingers
are falling asleep,
Except for that one.
Oh.
Go drill a hole in the wall.
Come on gimbledorf,
let's go, 25 bucks.
[VIDEO GAME GUNSHOTS]
I guess Lloyd
left already, huh?
Yeah, tell somebody who cares.
Oh sweet, you already
passed level eight.
It was easy,
I just used that map
That Lloyd downloaded
off the internet.
Oh, yeah, I remember that day.
That's where we spent
the whole day laughing
And sharing about our long
forged friendship, right?
That was a good day,
indeed, huh?
It was yesterday.
Come on Patrick,
we need to help him.
I mean, remember how
he didn't even get mad
When you said that
you banged him mom?
Forget it!
He broke the bros
before hoes code,
I'll die before I'm ever
guilty of breaking that rule!
Yeah, by punishing him
for this transgression,
Are you not also
breaking that rule?
You're allowing a
girl to come betwixt
Him and a friend who's
in need of our help.
What the fuck?!
Dude, are you on
his side or mine?
I'm on our side.
I don't think they're coming.
What about Cassandra?
She said she'd be here.
I'll wait here for her,
But you must get to
the marshalling area.
Your army awaits their orders.
Alright.
Wish me luck.
May ullr bless your sword,
and Odin your shield.
Thanks.
I was basically
wishing you luck.
Odin, father of thor.
Jesus, read a fucking book.
What a beautiful sight,
My minions have gathered
from across the land
To come and crush my foes.
You seem more interested
in glorifying yourself
Than in serving the blood gods.
You seem like a dick.
Minions, behold your master.
(CROWD ROARS)
Today, we wipe the
taint of the white wizard
From this land for good.
The one who slays his students
Will receive my
personal blessing.
I spit on the taint
of the white wizard.
(SPITS)
- (CROWD ROARS)
Jorgen, look who it is.
You guys ready
to kick some ass?
(LAUGHING)
Your optimism
causes my laughter.
(LAUGHING)
Yes, it is very amusing.
We are surely outnumbered,
And will receive
many massive wounds.
Our blog will overflow with
images of glorious death.
It is very impressive.
Would you like the url?
Maybe later.
No, here I'll write it on your
arm now, so you won't forget.
Anyhow, I came up
with a battle plan,
So if everybody could
just gather around,
We can go over it.
Everyone just-
He commands no respect.
Dagmar, document his pain.
You know, I've seen
some bullshit before,
But this takes the cake!
Fall in, you filthy fuck faces!
That's funny, you know,
because I don't think I said
Stand there and look
like idiots, I said fall in,
Before I tear off your heads
and crap down your throats!
Come on, come on, come on,
My grandmother moves faster
than you limp wristed fatties!
Fall in, maggots,
and listen up!
Ok, yes.
I can't hear you.
CROWD:
Yes!
Thanks guys, listen,
I'm sorry about...
Hey Lloyd, friendship means
you don't need to say sorry.
This is Lloyd,
the holy paladin,
Commander of the
forces of light.
You will pay very close
attention to his instructions,
And you will follow
them to the tee.
You got that?
CROWD:
Yeah! Yes!
Alright.
Our enemy thinks his advantage
in numbers is his strength.
It's not.
We shall turn it
into his weakness.
We will lure him into our trap,
His overconfidence the snare,
And when we have him
right where we want him,
We'll grab his balls.
What?
And then we rip them off!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Every great leader must ride
to battle on a worthy steed.
What?
Mount him.
He needs to be inside.
Yeah.
Our leader.
You look powerful Lloyd.
You look like shakira, Oswald.
Thanks.
Sir, I beg you to stay open
just a few more moments.
I don't understand
your primitive dialect.
Come on, move along.
Primitive?
You should know that
I am a level 80 wizard,
And I will not tolerate
your troll like behavior.
Hey, I said move along buddy,
Or you're gonna get cut.
Your empty threats do not
phase the white wizard,
My pointy eared space friend.
Ok, I warned you, back off,
Or I'm gonna have to
break the prime directive.
Hah, just like a Vulcan to
bring a phaser to a magic fight.
Andy, we're here.
Where are the perverts?
Uh, I don't mean to interrupt
whatever's going on here,
But they need to register.
Yeah, fat chance.
Your giant sperm friend here
With the purse is
threatening my life.
Sir, you pulled
your weapon first.
Ok, everybody just calm down.
Hey back off.
Hey.
Do not point that at her.
I said back off.
Don't point it at me either.
I'm pointing it, aren't it?
Testicles meet lightning bolt.
Ah!
Arctic blast.
Ah! Ah!
Bring me the heads
of the man creatures!
Charge!
(BATTLE CRIES)
Down boy.
Let's introduce them
to the hammer brothers,
Jack and sledge.
(BATTLE CRIES)
Archers!
Pathetic.
Go and serve your blood gods.
Aaaah!
(ARCHER YELLS)
(LEOPOLD ROARS)
Dagmar, document
my glorious death.
And mine.
Aaah!
Ah!
Ugh!
(LEOPOLD ROARS)
KLAUS:
That was wonderful.
Ok, look, all we want to do
is register for the battle,
Preferably before it's over.
Yeah, well based on
what I'm hearing,
That's just about to
happen now, isn't it?
Ok, so let's get
this ball rolling.
Excuse me, registration
desk is closed.
Dude, all you have
to do is open the book
And write down our names.
I mean, we'll even pay extra.
Wait a minute,
you trying to bribe me?
How about if we show some skin?
- What?
- What?
You register us,
and we flash you.
I am far beyond the temptations
of the flesh, there avatar.
[UNZIP]
Sweet Fulton potatoes.
For a thousand nights
I have dreamt of this day.
Make'em jiggle.
Can we register now?
VULCAN: Yeah, yeah,
come on move,
Put your mark in the book,
go, go, go, go.
I know this may be illogical,
But will you marry me?
We can start with
a Vulcan mind meld
And work our way down.
I can feel your pussy.
[AGENT DANGER MOVIE THEME MUSIC]
I'm a man of peace.
You, leave in pieces.
(WHINNYING)
What did I tell you
about doing cocaine?
I guess Cassandra wasn't the
only tough guy on this team.
Ah!
Stand back Lloyd, I'll take
care of this knucklehead.
Oswald, he's gonna kill you.
Well then avenge me.
No, wait, avenge me first.
I'm a berserker
barbarian dwarf warrior!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ok.
Please.
We're larping,
we're having fun.
Please. Please.
Aaah!
(LEOPOLD ROARS)
Reinforcements!
(LADIES YELLING)
Ladies (REPEATING):
Pervert!
Ladies (REPEATING):
You pervert!
This is the sexiest
tournament ever.
(WHINNYING)
DEREK: I must admit,
you put on a somewhat believable show.
Just wait for the encore.
Why don't you save me the time,
Get on your knees in
front of me, and surrender.
I think you have me
confused with your mom.
Oh that's it, that is it.
Charge!
(WHINNYING)
He's losing.
CASSANDRA: Lloyd, if you win you
can fuck stick my sugar bowl.
Ah!
Get me out of this thing.
Give up.
I could.
Or I could simply
vaporize your sword.
Taum saw, de ecket, flesruar,
caforg, swordus, be goneus.
Oh crap.
Well then, do you
have anything to say,
Before I melt your
face with a spell
Straight from the dark gods.
Well, as a paladin,
I can cast divine exorcism,
Banishing you to
the twisting nether.
Yes, in theory,
you could do that,
But at your level,
You would need the fabled
one thousand sided die
To cast a spell like that
on an unbelievably awesome
Level 60 dark mage, as myself.
You don't mean,
one of these, do you?
It can't be.
What is it?
The thousand sided die is
a rare and powerful item,
Held by only the most
dedicated larpers,
Who even dare to perform
such a powerful spell.
With it, there is only a
one in one thousand chance
That Lloyd can lose.
Lactatus, intoleras, pesneris,
maxitosis matchus leakus.
Ha!
A critical miss.
Damn!
(INDISCERNIBLE SWEARING)
That was the one in
one thousand chance.
The gods of fate have
pre-Ordained my win,
And your loss.
You know what,
enough of this bullshit.
Right now,
right here, you and me,
No spells, no tricks.
Silence, I have to
decide what type of spell
Would be most humiliating
to end this battle.
Shall I turn you
into a buttercup,
Or perhaps a horrible kitten
with little rotten teeth?
You scared?
What?
Are you scared to
fight me man to man?
If you win by casting
some fruity spell,
It will be a hallow victory
because everybody here knows
It's because you were scared.
Your attempt to bait me
into some type of needless
Physical prowess
combat test, it's futile.
It's good, I'm glad then,
because, well I had Patrick
Break into your
place last night,
And take a shit on your copy
of prince finntor, number one.
You liar.
You liar!
The student has
become the master.
Blood gods,
why have you forsaken me?!
Well, I guess
the good guys win.
LLOYD: I have never worked
so hard to pass a class.
Lloyd, watch out!
Wha!
Lightning bolt.
Ah! Ah, it burns.
It burns like, ah!
It burns my
eyes like- Like piss!
Aaah!
I swore I'd never use
my magic in anger again.
I don't think one
relapse is that bad.
PATRICK: You guys should have seen
what those chicks did to Leopold.
OSWALD: Yeah, they kept calling
him a pervert as they beat him,
And I couldn't take it anymore,
I had to stop watching.
You did it.
Well, you helped a little.
Hey, where did Derek go?
Oh, he ran off into the woods
after Andy melted his face.
OSWALD: So those cool gnomes are
talking about getting some pizza.
I'm buying, but don't let that
unicorn shit in my sister's van.
(APPLAUSE)
PATRICK: Make sure to establish
that you're the one in charge.
If you let her take control,
it's gonna ruin your life.
I think they'll
be fine, Patrick.
Lloyd, the key to a good
relationship is compromise.
Oh, and don't forget
to sign a sex contract.
I'll keep that in mind.
What the hell's a sex contract?
How do you think me and
my internet girlfriend
Have been together for so long?
I'm never using
your keyboard again.
Ready to go?
- Are you?
- Mm-Hmm.
Alright Oswald,
take care of this one for me.
- Will do.
- Peace out boys.
OSWALD:
Bye Cassandra.
Hey, make sure to
be back at 8:00,
We got that new agent danger
movie on pay per view.
ANDY: And thus goes the tale
of Lloyd the conqueror.
Everything in our
world was set back
The way it was supposed to be.
Through hard fought battles,
and the bravery of the people,
Our larping league had
found its balance again.
Fun replaced fear,
teamwork replaced treachery.
The forests and playgrounds
reverberated with the whispers
And wonder of magic
and overall good times.
It was like all
the secrets of the larp
Had somehow remained pure,
And were able to show themselves
through us, once again.
That is, until the
shadows grow strong,
And rise to challenge the
forces of light, once again.
To do so, one
would need an object
Of great and terrible magic,
Whose price would be
one's soul and sanity.
No one would dare.
And so it is written, by me.
Anyway, I'm old, and I ramble.
So do you want to buy
a copy of my new book?
I don't know, you just
told me the whole thing.
What if I signed it?
Look, I'd really just like to
sign up for demons and dwarves,
And get out of here.
Ok, the registration
fee is $50,
But I must warn you,
It's uh,
non-Refundable.
I must also warn you,
Don't feed the unicorn tacos.
KLAUS:
For glory.
KLAUS: Oh yes,
yes, good
Jorgen.
Ooohh ha ha.
Oh, you can do more than that.
Come on, let's
see what you got.
Oh!
Oh, that was good, actually.
Hiya!
Oh, you got me unaware.
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
(EVIL LAUGHTER CONTINUES)