Loch Ness (1996) Movie Script

For hundreds of years,
people have come to our village
trying to solve
the mystery of the loch.
Dr. Abernathy
was one of them,
until the night
he had a terrible accident.
We didn't know it then,
but that night was going to
change our lives forever.
Izzie, bedtime!
Was that a good one?
Oh, very good one, that.
The one-eye, that's the one.
Nice one there.
Are you all right,
Dr. Abernathy?
Dr. Abernathy,
are you all right?
Yeah, yeah,
I just need some air,
clear my head.
Oh, my God.
It's the first
day of the rest of your life!
It's bleeding again.
Right here is good for me.
Uh, yeah, listen,
why don't you tell Eddie
down at the shop
I'll catch up with him
later, all right? Eddie?
Yeah, Eddie. He's the
owner of the place.
We have no Eddie.
All his close friends
call him Eddie.
He's my brother.
You're not listening to me.
Hey, Caroline...
Yoo-hoo, Caroline.
You will get your money.
You look like hell.
Thank you very much.
Aren't you supposed to be
at a class right now?
You know, Mercer is
going ballistic.
He wants to have a word with
you after your next lecture.
You know, the one you're not at.
The dean doesn't want you
around the campus.
Neither do I.
However, all is not lost.
I have a research position that's
perfect for a man of your reputation.
Loch Ness.
Loch Ness, Scotland.
I sent Dr. Abernathy. He
had an accident. Dead.
What's his name is still there.
His research assistant,
Adrian somebody.
You want me to go find
the Loch Ness monster?
Is that what you're
offering me, Bob?
No, John, I want you to go to Loch
Ness and not find the monster.
I want you to take this
state-of-the-art equipment
and prove that it's the
biggest hoax of the century.
What are you doing?
You know, you just...
You're stickin' another
nail in my coffin.
I can't go there!
It'll look like I'm... Like I'm
running after another shadow!
The only reason I'm teaching
freshmen in the first place
is because I chased a no-show
monster for three years!
You know that!
Come on, I won't have any
credibility left at all.
You don't have any credibility.
And now you don't
have any career.
Unless I say so.
What's the problem here?
All you have to do is
run the sonar up the loch,
bring me definitive evidence
that nothing's there,
and then I get
my equipment back,
you regain some credibility,
and you get paid, John.
Screw the money.
I won't do it.
That's brave talk for a guy that
has to hitchhike home tonight.
You know, John,
I've got letters on my desk
from the IRS about you.
Not to mention communications
from the lawyers
of your ex-wife.
You know, I may be broke
and I may not have
any credibility left,
but I do have some dignity.
That's blackmail, you know that?
So why don't you just
take the whole loch
and shove it?
Uh, Helen, make that
reservation for Scotland
for Dr. John Dempsey,
Jonathan Dempsey.
Yeah, in coach, of course.
I don't know.
Hold on.
John, window or aisle?
Dr. Dempsey?
Hello, I'm Adrian Foote.
Your research assistant?
I recognize you from that
picture in Time magazine
when you were on the
boat in Madagascar
with the lemur on your shoulder.
You've lost a bit of
weight since then, sir,
if you don't mind me
saying so. It suits you.
This is an honor for me.
I've read all your
books on biodiversity.
Loch Ness.
In 500 AD,
St. Columba saw the beastie
approaching a swimmer.
"Turn back, beastie, let the man
be!" he's reported to have shouted.
It submerged.
Ever since then, people have
been seeing each uisage,
that's the horse of the water.
But you watch out, beastie,
'cause your man is here.
It is.
It's very comfortable.
And each room is done out
in a different tartan.
I think mine's Hunting Stewart.
Is there another hotel
we can go to?
Not that's open now.
It's after the season.
Sounds like the ceilidh's
in high gear, so...
Wait, wait, wait.
What's a "ceilidh"?
Well, it's a gathering in honor
of all the cryptozoologists.
You're telling me there are
Nessie hunters in there?
Aye, I thought you knew.
They're all very excited
at a chance to meet you.
Didn't Dr. Mercer tell you?
Oh... Oh, that's perfect.
The Danes are here, too.
They're building a giant cage.
They plan to lure Nessie in
with six tons of breadcrumbs.
Dr. Muller?
Dr. Muller.
Dempsey. The John Dempsey, as in Dr.
I think they were
wrong about you.
He also discovered and classified an
unknown species of wasp in South America.
That's all right.
Won the Tyler Award for that
when he was 26 years old.
Extraordinary. He's won
the NSA Award twice.
That was a long time ago. Forget about it.
Everyone else has.
I read the article about you
in Scientific American.
I think they
were wrong, because...
Dr. Dempsey,
such an honor.
Your pursuit
of the yeti was seminal.
Tell me, what is your
method of tracking?
My method of tracking?
See, what I like to do is
locate what I'm after,
then I kind of bend
down here like this,
and then I give it
the old zigzag here...
There is nowhere you can go.
I'm gonna get my rig, do my job
and get the hell out of Dodge.
But at least let me drive...
Hey, Adrian,
chill out, all right? Have some
shortbread or something. Here.
Damn midget's car.
Your car is in the drive.
Oh, no.
You realize you're
blocking the driveway?
I do now.
Well, what do you
intend to do about it?
What do you want me
to do about it?
Move it, obviously.
Did I hear the word
"please" in there?
I guess not.
Thanks for your help.
This is a very important
scientific project.
We've a schedule.
If we find something
living down there,
it's gonna be very good
for your business!
Aye, and what if they don't?
This is Dr. Dempsey.
Is that a fact?
So, Doctor...
You want to find
the monster, do you?
Yeah... Yeah,
that's correct.
But I don't have
much time, you know.
I gotta get up to Greenland before
winter hits, find Santa Claus.
Excuse me.
So how much for the boat?
Well, I cannot have her
defaced, you see,
with all this, uh,
equipment I see here.
That'll make
a difference again, so...
I'll be wantin' 20,000.
Then I'll buy it back in a week,
less damages and 500 a day.
20,000? You said 10.
Oh, aye. That was for
the Conquest there.
Well, I only got a week
and I do need a rig.
Plus I love what you've done
with the colors. Check okay?
Wait, wait, wait.
You can't pay him
all that money.
Well, I'm not going to, am I?
Mercer is. Didn't he tell
you, "Spare no expense"?
Take care of that, will you?
Ah! Did you come to stay with us, Dr.
I don't know.
Who are you?
Isabel Mary McFetridge.
My mother's Laura
and my dog's Bruce.
He rolled in some fish
and went home.
You'll be in Room D.
Bye for now.
Room D.
They open?
Oh! Sorry. I'm sorry.
Uh... I'm sorry.
I'm looking for a room
for five days.
The season's ended.
We're not taking guests
just now.
Well, can I...
Can I see the manager?
I am the manager.
Could I...
Could I talk to the owner?
I am the owner.
Bruce got into some
dead fish on the jetty.
He likes to roll in it.
Canis Lupus courtship behavior.
Bruce is on the make.
Are you still blocking
people's driveways?
Yeah, I'm sorry...
You caught me off guard.
The little girl said that you
were holding a room for me.
Oh, she's a wee lass,
Mr. Dempsey.
We're not accommodating.
Right. Uh...
Well, let me ask you, ma'am,
when you are accommodating,
what do you usually
get for a room?
70 a night.
Well, let's make it 75,
and I apologize for
blocking your driveway.
I'm sorry,
but we're still closed.
Hey, please. Listen,
this is the only place.
Just for five nights, please.
So you'll be
another beastie hunter?
Yes. Yes, ma'am.
Have net, will travel.
That's me.
80. Please,
come on, overcharge me.
It seems to be the national
pastime around here.
Hello, Mr. Dempsey.
Hey, listen, why don't you
work out a room deal with me?
Your mom's crucifying me.
How much are you offering?
Well, all right.
This is my last offer, though.
90 and no pets in my room.
That's really good.
Oh, gee!
Yeah, see?
All right.
Room D.
It's along the landing.
Come on, Isabel.
Hey, look at that.
Room D.
Oh, hey, could you...
No, you're too late
for breakfast.
Three of these, laddie,
and you might catch
a glimpse of the beastie.
I think I got a pretty good
look at one, don't you?
Some carrots.
Yeah. How many
would you like?
How about four?
Four. For soup.
They laughed at the very
idea of a dragon in Komodo.
And then they found it.
Same with the tree kangaroo.
Right over here.
Same with the mega shark,
of course.
And it was the same
with your discovery, huh?
The Dempsey wasp.
Satellite mapping system?
And that's CP500 sonar!
I thought only the military
has this kind of equipment.
Well, nothing's too good
for Mercer's army.
No, thanks.
Right. Right.
You can see every mollusk.
You can see every inch.
We're gonna see it.
I know it.
How can it not be there?
How can what
not be there, Adrian?
The creature.
You know,
in prehistoric times, the loch was
connected to the sea duct a bit.
It was cut off at some point
during the second ice age.
Now any aquatic dinosaur
living here would have been...
Trapped in an isolated aquarium,
able to sustain itself
and escape extinction.
It's a nice theory.
Oh, come on, man.
We get the Discovery Channel
too, you know.
Look, I don't want
to seem impertinent, Doctor,
but sometimes it sounds like you
believe there's nothing there.
Oh, you're in
the ballpark there.
Okay, so the locals
need a legend
because their livelihood
depends on it,
but what about the evidence?
It's a large pinniped.
It may be a Pleistocene relic.
I believe strongly, Doctor, that what's
down here is not a tabloid monster.
It's a biological phenomenon.
Come on.
Oh, would you give me a break?
Dr. Dempsey!
Nothing on the rear
scanner, Adrian!
No, there's...
There's something here.
I need help to get a fix on it.
It's nothing. Probably just a
chunk of driftwood or something.
Uh-uh, it's too big
to be a chunk of driftwood.
It's moving.
It's moving!
It's propelled by trapped
bacterial gas. Relax.
There, see? I told you.
It was just a log.
It's always just a big damn log.
I'm sorry.
Waves without wind
Fish without fin
I'm so sorry.
And a floating island...
Each uisage!
Each uisage!
He's the water bailiff.
The keeper of the loch.
He's been here since '32.
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily
Merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
Dinner is at 7:30, sharp.
That'll be extra, of course.
Of course.
I suppose the breakfast I didn't have
is included in the price, right?
Well, that makes sense.
How's your room?
Uh, it's nice, yes.
Very nice.
Are you taking over
from poor Dr. Abernathy?
Yeah, I suppose I am.
Ah, he was a good man.
Such a tragedy.
So you're here to solve
the mystery of the loch?
There's no mystery to solve.
Oh, I don't know about that.
You're a believer?
Well, I wouldn't say yes,
but I wouldn't say no.
Oh, come on, you can tell me.
Have you actually seen it?
Well, uh...
When I was a wee girl,
I saw a great wake
in Urquhart Bay.
Three humps came up
just beyond the castle there.
See, now, that's my personal favorite.
The old triple-humper.
If you don't believe in it,
why did you ask me?
I'm sorry.
Is there a shower?
Oh, thank God. I am...
But there's no hot water.
Why not?
The dog used the last of it.
I'm sorry?
Canis Lupus used the
last of the H2O.
He's clean as a whistle now.
Oh, now, wait a minute,
wait a minute here.
Are you telling me that
I'm paying 90 a night,
that's $140, I don't get
the breakfast that I paid for,
and the dog gets my hot water?
I didn't know you were coming
and I didn't ask you to stay.
There'll be plenty
of hot water later.
There are your towels.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, the towels. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, look at these.
Are you sure that they should
be away from their mother?
I've seen the snow
in wintertime, 5'0".
And my old grandpappy, 4'11",
we never saw him till March.
That's terrible.
Except for his hat.
And my old grandmother,
well, she was quite pleased.
I'll help you with that.
Let me help you with that.
I can manage. Thanks.
Sorry. I was only suggesting
that because you're, um,
a woman,
you're not capable of...
I'm sure you're
more than capable of...
As well as being a woman.
Well, if you want to.
What do you think
you're doing, Andy?
Oh, I'm just
pulling one for Duncan
on the self-serve pump.
I'd be obliged if you'd stay
your side of the bar, please.
Oh, oh, I do apologize,
Ms. McFetridge.
Only trying to help, I'm sure.
Have you
thought any more
about what I said?
Oh, I have, and
the answer's still no.
You do not know what
you're missin', Laura.
I've a good idea
and it'll be no loss.
Hello, Mr. Dempsey. Would
you like to sit with me?
Somebody who doesn't
hate me. Wow.
Actually, I'd love to.
Thank you.
So what do you want to do?
You want to go have
a scotch and a cigar?
No. You're funny.
You think so?
Oh, good. Well, you wanna
hear some of my impressions?
I do Donald Duck
and Mickey Mouse.
Here you go. I used
to do a human being,
but I'm a little
out of practice.
You're a great audience.
Okay, smart stuff,
it's your turn.
No, hey, hey, that was good.
That was good.
You're a professional, right?
What else do you do?
Any more animals?
I can do the water kelpie.
Ah, yes, the water kelpie.
All right, go ahead.
Let me see your Nessie.
That's good, but I think it's
actually a little more like this...
You're silly.
It doesn't sound
like that at all.
Oh, great, great.
A little success and all of
a sudden, you're a critic.
There you go, Tommy.
What's his story?
Mr. Dempsey? He's taking
over, like you said.
Aye, and with more equipment
than I've ever seen on the loch.
Aye, but it's strange. He's not
another starry-eyed looney
looking for a monster. The
direct opposite, in fact.
He says it doesn't exist.
How long is he staying?
As long as it takes him
to prove his point.
He thinks five days.
Did he pay in advance?
Bruce, drop!
Fetch it.
Not for Magnus,
not with his coloring.
Good day to you, Laura.
And how are you today?
Oh, not so bad,
Mrs. McFarlane.
Hello, Mrs. Tait.
And your lovely
Isabel, is she well?
Fine, fine.
She's becoming quite a
handful these days.
Do you have any
spare milk today?
Yes, yes.
That'll be for the guest,
I suppose.
The American. He bought
a bonny pair of socks.
A single man. Very nice,
very good-looking.
I thought you'd closed
for the season.
I had, too. But he made me
an offer I couldn't refuse.
So he'll be staying a time then?
A time, aye.
Is that him out there now?
Heavens, what's he
done to the boat?
Is that some sort of equipment?
Aye. I heard
he had equipment.
It'll be Andy's boat he's using.
It is.
Does Andy not mind you
What's he got to do with it?
Oh, well, nothing. Huh.
Just I heard that you two
had an understanding.
We certainly do not.
And whether or not
I choose to take in guests
has absolutely nothing to do
with Andy Maclean. Thank you.
This loch is 25 miles long.
That's 263 billion
cubic feet of water.
That's more water than all the lakes
in England and Wales put together.
Can't you read?
Why don't you go and invade a
small country in South America
instead of invading my water,
my privacy and
my monster's privacy?
Did he say his monster?
That's Gordon Shoals.
He's a total fruitcake.
He's been here 16 years now.
Beware the Ides of March,
Dr. John Dempsey!
The water never
gives up its dead!
Yes, I know who you are!
And so does the monster!
And you're in a free country!
The only bit of her
you're gonna see
is the inside of
her bloody stomach!
Because she loves me!
She doesn't love you!
I talk to her!
We got company.
You expecting anybody, Adrian?
What are they doing?
I don't know.
They're gonna hit us.
Get out of the way!
They're gonna hit us.
What the hell do you
think you're doing?
They've ruined the whole sweep!
Aye, that's a fact.
Listen, in the old days,
when a man transgressed,
you put him in a barrel
and slid him down the hill.
And when a woman transgressed...
And was it God Almighty himself
deciding the sins, I wonder?
Or maybe some local men
with fish eggs for brains
who acted without thinking?
Don't worry, Laura.
Your business is safe.
So sabotage makes everything just
grand for the community, does it?
And what do you know about
the community, young lady?
Any luck today, Professor?
They tell me you're
the law on the water.
Is that right? Huh?
Do you know what happened
to me out there today?
Caught a cold,
by the sound of it.
Very harsh climate
in these parts.
Yeah, you listen up, Scottie.
Don't think you got
some American patsy
to play highland games with.
I'm not gonna be
run off by a bunch of
tight-fisted weenies in kilts.
You got me?
Well, now you listen to me,
you arrogant
young whippersnapper.
The people you are
speaking of are the Celts.
Hung the heads of their enemies
from the manes of their horses.
You'll never solve
the mystery of the loch.
The Creator made it that way
and it is to stay that way.
The Chamber of Commerce is behind
this racket, Mr. Water Bailiff.
This has nothing to do with creation,
this is all about the economy.
Oh, and what told you that? Your
lenses, your lights, your computers?
Well, I'm not a boastful man,
but I'll tell you something,
I know more about these waters
than any of your machines.
I was baptized in them
and I am the keeper of them.
And I'll tell you
something else.
This mystery goes all the way back to St.
Columba himself,
who saw it and stated it
in the name of Kirk!
Uh, let's see. Would that
be Captain James T. Kirk?
You and your puny machines
will never destroy
1400 years of mystery.
I'll tell you what,
come out on the loch
tomorrow and you watch me.
Good morning.
Let's do it.
Fine. Don't thank us.
We liked being here
since 4:00 this morning.
I'm gonna blow this bull... myth
out of the water once and for all.
It's no myth.
Don't start.
Turn the aperture correction
down to three, please.
He must be halfway up the loch.
I don't think
he's found anything.
I've heard he only eats
the whites of his eggs.
Never touches the yolk.
He walks in his sleep, you know.
A lot of Americans do that.
And he sleeps in the nude.
Maybe the sonar activity
has driven it to the far end.
I mean...
Maybe we've got it cornered.
End of loch.
End of the Loch Ness monster.
It's over, Adrian.
If you want to know
what all that means,
it's time to rewrite your
guidebooks, Water Bailiff.
The computer...
The printouts show
cracks alongside the loch.
Something could have been
hiding in there.
Oh, come on, Adrian. If there's a
30-foot dinosaur out in the water,
don't you think
we would have seen it?
But too many people
have testified!
Priests and policemen!
Ten thousand others.
You think that's some sort
of mass hallucination?
That's not my problem.
I did my job as ordered.
I proved it wasn't there.
Signed, sealed and delivered.
So it's over then, huh?
Because you say it is?
What would you know
about it anymore?
You'll not find a dinosaur in
the bottom of a whiskey glass!
Listen to me...
No, no, no, you listen
to me, Dr. Negativity!
I don't know
what you're doing here,
but you're not fit to shine
the shoes of Dr. Abernathy!
"You cannot find something
you don't want to"!
Huh? You remember
those words?
Dr. Dempsey, you should, because
you wrote them nine years ago!
Hey, come here,
let me tell you something.
Hey, you want to
yell at me, that's fine...
You want me to yell
at you some more?
That's fine, because
I'm not finished with you!
Hey, let me just say
something first, will you?
I've been here, Adrian,
I did this.
I'm the guy who blew his reputation
chasing Sasquatch, remember?
British Columbia, 1986?
You found the tracks!
You still don't get it, do you?
I am a joke.
I'm the guy
who chases looney tunes.
And you think I don't want
to find something out there?
If I nailed a dinosaur
in Loch Ness,
I would be vindicated
1,000 times over.
I would have it all back.
And more.
But it's not gonna happen.
There's nothing down there.
There's nothing
up in British Columbia.
There's nothing unexplained
flying around the skies at night.
That is just
a wish list, Adrian,
to make us feel like
there's something more to life
than the shit we got stuck with.
Believing is not enough.
Don't make
the same mistake I did.
Will you sit down, Izzie?
Come on.
I'm just not comfortable at all.
But you have a cushion,
so you should be.
Is there any napkins?
Tomorrow, I'll get some
napkins, I promise.
I promise.
I'll get it tomorrow. What
else do we have to get? Milk.
Pota... Potatoes.
You look sad, Mr.
My mommy asked if you'd
like to come in over
and have dinner with us
before you leave.
Would you like to come
and have dinner with us?
This is very nice.
Mr. Dempsey?
Uh... Isabel said
that you were...
You were expecting me
to join you for dinner.
Right, right.
Yeah, of course.
Maybe I misunderstood.
I tell you... Why don't I just
take this upstairs and...
No, no, no. I wouldn't
hear of it, honestly.
Is there anything wrong with it?
You've hardly touched it.
No, no, it's wonderful. It's
just, uh, I wasn't very hungry.
Mmm. Mmm.
Have you finished on the loch?
Yeah. Yeah,
I've finished.
How come you didn't come
on holiday with your wife?
That's all right.
Number one, I'm not on holiday,
and number two,
I don't have a wife.
No, I did once.
She ran off?
Yeah, she ran off.
Weren't you really nice to her?
Isabel Mary McFetridge!
As a matter of fact, when I wasn't in
the jungle, I was very nice to her.
I even discovered a new species
and named it after her.
Is that true?
What did you discover?
A parasitic wasp.
A wasp!
I named it Protus Carolinus.
The resemblance was uncanny.
You laugh now, but I tell you,
this was one very dangerous wasp.
After it stings you,
it hires a lawyer.
Oh, well, the pub's open.
Finish up as you like.
I'll clean it off later.
Well, yes, thank you
very much for dinner.
She's lonely, too.
The winds whistled
down the glens
at 150 miles an hour.
My uncle, Donald, he had one
ear bigger than the other,
and when the winds blew,
it would corkscrew him
down into the ground.
Your good health, sir.
Your good health.
Stuart, the same?
Hello there, Adrian.
What can I get you?
Nothing, thank you very much.
I'm... I'm all right.
Could I just say
that you are looking
particularly lovely
this evening?
Thank you.
Will you marry me?
Oh, no!
Not tonight.
Besides, I make it a rule never to
marry anyone who asks me in a bar.
Oh, very wise.
Well, perhaps you wouldn't mind
passing these on
to Dr. Dempsey
to take back
to America with him.
The hotel still had
a few of Dr. Abernathy's...
Of course I will. But if you
want him, he's in the kitchen.
Um, no, thanks,
I think I've had quite enough
of the great and world-famous
Dr. Dinky for the moment.
I have everything
you wanted, yes.
I have the photos,
I have printouts,
I have sonar readings,
the works.
Yes. Yes, I realize that.
I won.
Yes, I will.
I will see you
in Los Angeles tomorrow.
How do you do that?
Do you realize
that is 12 in a row?
I'll tell you what, here.
Close your eyes a second.
Go on, close them. I just
want to shuffle 'em up here,
so they're a little different.
All right.
Go ahead, open.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.
You give up?
You don't have a queen.
How do you do that?
I saw it in the mirror.
Let me just teach you one
more game here, all right?
Here. All right. Here we go, five cards.
Go ahead, pick 'em up.
No beastie.
No beasties!
That's a fact!
Dr. Dipstick says so!
That's a fact.
All right, I'll raise you four.
You're bluffing again,
Mr. Dempsey.
That is amazing, absolutely amazing.
Good for you.
Look, Mommy. Mr. Dempsey
taught me how to play poker.
Mr. Dempsey says he'll take
me to Disneyland someday.
Yeah, well, forget Disneyland,
we're going to Vegas, kiddo.
Bed, please, Izzie. Now.
May I kiss
Mr. Dempsey good night?
You can.
Good night. Good night, Mr. Dempsey.
Thank you for playing with me.
Thanks for taking my money.
You taught her poker.
Yes. Yeah.
I, uh... I did.
I'm sorry if I did wrong there,
but do you have any idea
the odds against somebody winning
that many times in a row?
She inherited it
from her grandmother.
Grandma was a card shark?
No, it's the ability
to see things sometimes.
They call it St. Columba's
gift around here.
Yeah. Well, whatever it
is, I could use some.
Her grandmother,
she could read tea leaves
and she could tell you whether your
baby would be a boy or a girl.
I didn't inherit it,
but little Izzie did.
The only thing I got from my
grandmother was bad eyes.
Oh, no, I think you have nice...
Uh, what...
What I meant was that
I'm... I'm far-sighted.
Uh, this bag is for you.
It has the rest of Dr.
Abernathy's things in it.
Adrian thought
that you could, um...
Right, right.
...take it back with you.
Right. Good night, Mr. Dempsey.
See you tomorrow.
All right, I'll see you
in the morning. Sleep well.
Will you be hurt very much if Mr.
Dempsey goes home tomorrow, Mommy?
Of course not.
What a question.
Perhaps he won't go.
Why do you say that?
Because I don't want
him to and nor do you.
Isabel, whatever
makes you think that?
You look at him.
I've never seen you do that.
Well, of course I look at him.
What else am I supposed to do?
It's nice to be
pleasant to guests,
but you can't make
them your friends.
I've told you that before.
Yes, Mommy.
Now go to sleep, please.
Yes, Mommy.
Stop "yes-mommying" me like that.
He's a guest, that's all.
And don't give me that
I-know-what-you're-thinking look either.
He'll stay if you ask him.
Good night.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
If they do, use dynamite.
Mr. Dempsey taught me that.
Yeah, uh, yeah, I... I don't
seem to have the knack.
Uh, it has a slight
highlands temperament.
It needs a little
encouragement here.
Need any help?
No, the air just needs to
be taken out of the pipes.
Oh, can you watch the taps and
tell me when the water arrives?
Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.
I'm a PhD.
Yeah, I hear something.
Aye, it's running.
Touch wood.
"Touch wood"?
Back home, we knock on it.
Uh, hmm...
You'll be leaving us
in the morning.
Uh, will you be
requiring breakfast?
No. Thanks.
Well, uh, you know,
it's included in the price.
I realize that.
Well, if you want to, you can
always change your mind.
About what?
We're goin' out again.
Let's go.
You can bring your pillow,
but let's go. Come on.
Tell me something, Adrian, where were you
the night Abernathy got himself killed?
I was at the MOFFAT Arms.
But he left alone, right?
He'd had a few malts,
said he needed some air.
I offered to drive him home,
but he wouldn't let me.
Yeah, but then
he wouldn't have seen it.
Seen what?
That is the last
photo on his roll.
And that is not the tail
of a diving otter.
It's not a vegetable mat.
It's not even a soliton.
I don't know what it is,
but I'll tell you something.
My guess is it's part
of something very large
and very much alive.
Why do people keep doing this?
Oh, some people
don't respect the loch.
They upset the waters.
Somehow it got by us.
Maybe it's hiding.
What are they?
Look at them all.
You notice anything
unusual about them?
Like what?
Like they weren't
there yesterday.
Like where the hell
did they come from?
Is that more salmon?
No, see, that's
a separate object...
...chasing the salmon.
Three feet.
Eel. Could be
a conger eel.
No, it's still coming.
No, that's a big vertebrate.
A sturgeon, yeah?
A sturgeon maybe.
It's still coming.
Oh, my God, that's nine...
That's 17.
That's 40 feet long!
It could be a submerged
vegetable mat.
Yeah, maybe. No, no, no!
Fire up the strobes.
It's moving this way and it's
coming towards the surface.
Where are the damn cameras?
All recording.
Hold it steady.
I can't, it's moving too fast.
Hold it steady. It's moving too fast!
It's moving too fast!
I've lost him!
I've lost him!
Fifteen knots.
That's 15 knots. That's
coming straight at us!
Get back!
Adrian! Help!
Dr. Dempsey!
Dr. Dempsey!
Is he dead?
Alive! Alive!
Look, he's alive!
I saw it.
It's down there.
Oh, I saw it, I swear to you.
I swear to God I saw it.
I swear to you, I saw it!
I gotta get out there again.
You're going nowhere
until you see a doctor.
Oh, my God, it's true, isn't it?
You said you'd seen it.
You did! You did!
No! I've never
seen anything.
I was just giving you
a tourist story.
Well, I have!
I've seen it!
Oh, God, I feel like...
John! Stop.
No, I'm sorry, I...
Ah, Izzie, did you want
a drink or something?
Ah, Izzie, uh... Water, probably.
Here we go.
Anyway, that's your, uh,
basic mouth-to-mouth method.
It's a good thing that Adrian
was up on his lifesaving.
Could, uh,
help me with this here?
Did Adrian kiss you,
Mr. Dempsey?
You stay right where you are.
I'm gonna call a doctor.
You don't have to do that.
Did you see the kelpie?
Yes! Yes, I did.
I think I did. Yeah.
Oh! What? What?
Would you like to see it again?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yes, I do.
Of course I would, yeah.
Is the entire boat
wrecked, Bailiff?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And all his gear.
Well, I hope the bugger drowned.
No, no, no, he's very much alive
and you'll find him over
at Laura's pub, I'm sure.
I'm not drinking at Ms.
McFrigid's place at present.
She did not look
very frigid to me.
No, he was sitting there
having his dinner and
playing games with the wee lassie,
just like one of the family.
His equipment may have gone,
but there's something
keeping him here.
Oh, well.
It's bloody cold out here.
Dr. Mercer called
about what happened.
I'm sorry, but he's coming over.
Look, to be quite
honest with you,
I should tell you that I didn't
actually see something out there today.
I mean, I didn't see a monster.
I'd like to say that I
had seen something,
but I couldn't honestly back
you up or anything. I mean...
It is going to be a bit
difficult to do any more
without any equipment,
isn't it? Huh?
I mean, it's not
as if we can see...
It's down there.
It's out there.
I know it is.
Go away, you charlatans!
Stay away from my monster!
He's not your monster,
he's my monster!
I saw him first.
Do you hear me?
My monster!
Dr. Mercer,
did you say?
Yes, yes, that's
right, John Dempsey.
I'm sorry, but he
left here yesterday.
I said we're closed
for the season.
Have you tried the Isle of Skye?
Get up, Yank!
Take what's comin' to you.
Whoa, hold on a second, will you?
The boat's insured, all right?
It's not the boat, you pillock.
You just get out
of my woman's house!
Your woman?
Oh, that's great.
Your woman? What, do you think
she's sheep or something?
Give me a break. Okay, are you
thinkin' of movin' in yourself?
Andy, stop it!
Stay out of this. It's
between him and me.
Will you stop it?
You have no right!
John, don't fight him.
Me? I'm not
fighting anybody.
Andy! Shut it, you
sleekit whore!
Oh, come on. You can't
talk to a lady like that!
I'll talk any way I want. Or are
you the man to stop me, huh?
You know what?
I'll tell you...
Give me your best
shot here, Bigfoot.
Hit him again and I'll deck ya!
You wouldn't dare.
Thank you for
standing up to him.
The lights went out
pretty quick.
Did I touch him at all?
Well, aye, you did.
You got a few in.
Now, you stay
right where you are.
I'm gonna put some
camphor on those cuts.
You're gonna live, John.
Touch wood.
What are you doing up?
I made something
for Mr. Dempsey.
That is so sweet.
"The American.
"Very nice, very good-looking.
"He bought some bonny socks."
Laura McFetridge,
you're such a scandal.
"Get well, Dockter Dimzee."
Mr. Dempsey.
Oh, hi.
I'm sorry if I woke you,
I was just, uh...
I was on the way
to the bathroom.
Do you like my get-well card?
Yeah! Yes, yes.
It's... It's fantastic.
It's the perfect Elasmosaur,
right down to the
rhomboid frontals. See?
No, Mr. Dempsey.
It's a water kelpie.
So this is your kelpie?
It's my friend.
Are you telling me
you actually saw...
You're laughing at me. You
don't believe me. No one does.
I shouldn't have drawn it.
No, no, no, I'm not laughing at you.
It's just that...
I have to see it
before I can believe it.
No, Mr. Dempsey.
You've got to believe it
before you can see it.
I believe you.
And I want to see it.
Do you?
Oh, yeah.
More than anything in the world.
Do you know what I want more
than anything else in the world?
Yeah, what?
A red bicycle.
It's a deal.
It's a deal.
It's a secret.
You can't tell.
We can't bring Bruce
'cause he barks.
Wait, wait!
Wait for me!
Come on, Mr. Dempsey!
Please be quick,
Mr. Dempsey.
Slow down! Slow down!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Oh, boy.
Okay, the joke's over.
Where are you, Isabel?
Holy moley!
I'm here.
Oh, that's great.
I'm a grownup, how am I
supposed to fit through that?
You can hold your tummy in.
I can hold my tummy in.
Thank you very much.
This whole country
is made for midgets.
Wet frozen midgets!
Ah, jeez, that's great.
Now I'm stuck.
Please be quick,
Mr. Dempsey.
"Please be quick,
Mr. Dempsey."
Oh, this is crazy.
Where'd you go?
Oh, my God,
this place is amazing!
Turn the light off.
It scares them.
Be very still.
Where are we?
Shh! Listen.
Sea otters.
Oh, my God.
Sea otters, water kelpies,
aquatic mustelids.
Come on, Izzie.
Let's go.
I've had enough.
Iz... Iz...
Don't move.
It's okay.
It's all right.
I've got you.
He's just playing.
Oh, boy.
Izzie? Izzie!
Oh, my God! Izzie!
Are you okay?
I told you about the light!
I'm sorry, I...
Damn you to hell.
You had no right.
Oh, no.
Come on, come on.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
This can't be.
Come on, please, please...
Oh, yes!
Yes! Yes!
Oh, God, yes!
Oh, oh, oh!
The head! God, yes!
You bastard!
You could have killed her!
What are you...
You're just for yourself.
That's all that matters.
Use people, as long as
you get what you want.
Using me... I mean, I
should have known better,
but to use a child!
No, it wasn't like that.
Oh, yes? And what was it like?
She nearly drowned!
Oh, Laura...
Don't you touch me.
Don't you dare touch me. All
right, all right, all right.
Look what I have.
Come on, look at it!
Yeah, you got
your precious monster.
You've got your
Scottish souvenir.
I hope you got
your money's worth.
A man's here.
No. No, no, God.
It's a convergent sub-species.
It's a hybrid of
Plesiosaur and Elasmosaur.
You actually saw this?
Now wait a minute, John.
Hold on a minute.
Now you're saying that this is the real...
Real thing. You saw it?
No, I don't believe it.
I can't believe it.
It's not possible.
I don't believe it.
You saw it, didn't you?
You did.
Yeah, all right.
I believe it.
I believe it!
I knew it had to be there.
I knew there was something.
You told anyone?
You sure?
Let's keep it quiet until
after the press conference.
I'll call London today.
We'll have a symposium
at the Royal Academy tomorrow.
You have a suit?
You? You have a suit?
What is this?
Mr. Dempsey.
Your bill is in your room.
Uh, I believe it's as we agreed.
There'll be no extra
charge for the sex.
That's a service
I offer all my guests.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, let me explain.
About what?
This is crazy.
You've solved
your mystery, John,
you found your missing link.
You can leave now.
No, no! I found a colony
of prehistoric animals!
Look at this, they're alive!
I'm very happy for you.
Hey, it's not just for me.
This is gonna be good for all of us.
Don't you realize that?
Come on, Laura, you're gonna have
scientists, marine biologists,
every lab and university in the
world is gonna want to stay here.
You mean when they turn
the loch into Marineland,
with the kelpie performing
tricks for a few sardines?
It's not gonna be like that.
This is science.
But how do you stop it?
Will you be there along with the
other 10 million nature lovers
queuing for a McNessie burger?
What do you want me to do?
You want me to ignore this?
You want me to pretend
that I didn't see this?
That's up to you.
Oh, come... Look, look at this.
Can you see that?
I've waited my entire
life for this.
Oh, come on! You're not
even lookin' at it!
I don't want to look at them!
Don't you get it?
I don't want to know
anything about them!
There are some things that are
meant to be left alone.
I would have thought that you
would have understood that.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Where's Isabel?
She doesn't want to see you.
She trusted you, John.
Have three drams, laddie,
and you might catch a wee
glimpse of the beastie today.
Hi, Izzie.
Why did you do it? You scared it away.
They'll never come back.
Look... Uh,
yes, they will.
I'm sorry, don't be upset.
It's not your fault.
It is my fault.
I did wrong.
No, you didn't.
No, see, I don't think
it's something
that you and I can
just keep to ourselves.
I think it's something we
have to share with everybody.
Why do we? I only
wanted to show you.
I thought you liked me.
I do like you.
And you're going.
I would do anything
not to hurt you.
You've gotta believe me, Izzie.
It's just that I...
I don't know what...
See, there's...
There's nothing
I can do right now.
I know.
By tomorrow morning,
you just may be the most
famous man in the whole world.
I need a drink.
You want anything?
I don't drink. I'm gonna take
up wind surfing, though.
The Royal Academy's too small.
I got the Natural
History Museum instead.
No! No, no, no, no. I'm not
blowing off Larry King.
I'm saying it's fine if we could do
it by satellite,
'cause I'll be here. Adam,
get the phone, the phone.
Oh! Hello? Hello?
Have another.
It's a celebration.
If you're gonna hang my
head from a horse's mane,
I wish you'd get it over with.
Oh, no, sir,
I wouldn't do that now.
Oh, no, you've beaten the loch.
There's no disputing that.
Savor it is my advice.
Uh, may I?
Yes, uh, let's see.
1953 was the first time
that I went to London.
I didn't think too much of it.
And I swore to myself that
if ever I went back, it would have
to be for a very good reason.
We both know why you're here,
so let's not play games.
We cannot let
the survival of the last
specimens of the Ice Age
depend solely on
the work of one man.
It doesn't make any sense.
Science can take care
of them professionally.
The sad thing is that you
really believe that, don't you?
Yes. Yes, I do.
It wasn't exactly science that
helped your discovery, was it?
It was a wee girl.
Nine years of age.
And wasn't it
your precious science
that gave us all this
acid rain and pollution
and warming air
in the first place?
These creatures have
survived for 15,000 years
without your help,
Mr. Dempsey.
What makes you think that
you're so special, huh?
This is very hard for me.
I'm a proud man,
and I have never asked anybody
for anything in my life
as I'm asking you now.
Don't do this,
Mr. Dempsey.
Oh, well.
Well, I have a loch to tend to.
Thank you.
Safe journey to you.
Is the mystery
of Loch Ness finally solved?
The world's media
is gathering tonight
at the Natural History Museum
in London,
where a new American
underwater survey
will claim to have
discovered definitive evidence
of the existence
of the Loch Ness monster.
John, John.
Let's go.
Lead on, McDuff.
I've seen two miracles tonight.
One is a man
rising from the dead.
It's good to
be alive again, Bob.
Nice suit, John.
Thank you,
Dr. Binns.
Ladies and gentlemen,
good evening.
When I, uh... When I began
my expedition to the loch,
it was based only on a hunch.
But as we all know, so many
discoveries have been made
by using a little
imagination and, uh,
bending the rules,
like, uh, Newton, Galileo.
And with this in mind, I asked my
colleague, Dr. Jonathan Dempsey,
to concentrate his efforts on the
scientific enigma of Loch Ness.
I'll ask him now to present
you with his findings.
Dr. Dempsey.
I used to dream about
this when I was a kid.
But I have to admit,
this is, uh,
much more overwhelming
than I thought it would be.
I'd like to say that
I wouldn't be here today
if it weren't for the
confidence and the trust
of the architect of this study, Dr.
Robert Mercer.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the mystery of Loch Ness solved.
Nessosaurus Maurus.
A bit murky.
Did they balls up the slides?
What's going on?
Uh, I...
It's getting better to me.
You're right. You're absolutely right.
I'm sorry, I apologize.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Sit down, Bob. Sit down.
You know, I... I canceled
dinner for this.
It's all right, just a mistake.
I hope so.
Ladies and gentlemen,
when you see this next picture,
I hope you have the courage
to ask yourself the question,
"Where's Waldo?"
What's Waldo?
I'm sorry,
I don't know what to say.
No, it's not a hoax. This is not a
hoax as far as we're concerned.
This is purely the Americans...
Who's what? MALE
REPORTER: Who is Waldo?
"Who is Waldo?" I have
no idea who Waldo is.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
The whole thing was
a ridiculous hoax.
I never saw them.
I... I had the pictures made up
by computer before I even came.
John Dempsey, you are either the
biggest bloody fool that ever lived,
or you are the biggest
bloody fool that ever lived.
Thank you.
Thank you for everything.
Where are you going?
Good luck.
Adrian was with me, and we
stopped along the pier,
he saw the pictures.
Will you tell, uh, Dr.
Binns about the photos?
What photos would
they be, exactly?
I'm waiting.
"Arrietty had not been asleep.
"She had been lying
under her knitted coverlet,
"staring up at the ceiling.
"It was an interesting ceiling.
"Pod had built Arrietty's
bedroom out of two cigar boxes,
"and on the ceiling, lovely
painted ladies dressed in..."
What is it?
There's a car
blocking the drive.
Do you realize that
you're blocking the drive?
I do now.
Well, what do you
intend to do about it?
What would you like me
to do about it?
Oh, the rhythm of my heart
Is beating like a drum
With the words "I love you"
rolling off my tongue
No, never will I roam
For I know my place is home
Where the ocean meets the sky
I'll be sailing
Oh, the rhythm of my heart
Is beating like a drum
With the words "I love you"
rolling off my tongue
No, never will I roam
For I know my place is home
Where the ocean meets the sky
I'll be sailing
Photographs and kerosene
Light up my darkness
Light it up, light it up
Light it up
I can still feel the touch
Of your thin blue jeans
Running down the alley
I've got my eyes
all over you, baby
Oh, baby
Oh, the rhythm of my heart
Is beating like a drum
With the words "I love you"
rolling off my tongue
No, never will I roam
For I know my place is home
Where the ocean meets the sky
I'll be sailing
I'll be sailing
Oh, yeah
Oh, I've got lightning
in my veins
Shifting like the handle
of a slot machine
Love may still exist
in another place
I'm just yanking
back the handle
No expression on my face
Oh, the rhythm of my heart
Is beating like a drum
With the words "I love you"
rolling off my tongue
No, never will I roam
For I know my place is home
Where the ocean meets the sky
I'll be sailing
Oh, the rhythm of my heart
Is beating like a drum
With the words "I love you"
rolling off my tongue
No, never will I roam
For I know my place is home
Where the ocean meets the sky
I'll be sailing
The rhythm of my heart
Is beating like a drum
The words "I love you"
rolling off my tongue
Never will I roam
For I know my place is home
Where the ocean meets the sky
I'll be sailing