Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) Movie Script
Right, let's sort the buyers from the spyers,
the needy from the greedy
and those who trust me
from the ones who don't.
Because if you can't see value here today,
you're not up here shopping,
you're up here shoplifting.
You see these goods?
You've never seen daylight, moonlight,
Israelites,
Fanny by the gaslight.
Take a bag, come on, take a bag.
I took a bag home last night -
it cost me a lot more than ten pound,
I can tell you.
Anyone like jewellery?
Look at that one there.
Hand-made in ltaly,
hand-stolen in Stepney.
It's as long as my arm,
I wish it was as long as something else.
Don't think 'cos these boxes
are sealed up, they're empty.
The only man who sells empty
boxes is the undertaker.
And by the look of some of you lot here today
Id make more money with my measuring tape.
Here, one price, ten pound.
- Did you say ten pound?
- Are you deaf?
That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Squeeze in if you can. Left leg,
right leg, your body will follow.
They call it walking.
Do you want one as well darlin?
You do, thats it, they're waking up.
Treat the wife -
treat somebody else's wife.
It's a lot more fun
if you don't get caught.
Hold on, you want one as well?
OK, darlin', show me a bit of life, then.
It's no good standing out there
like one o'clock half struck.
My own youd better buy'em,
these are not stolen -
they just havent been paid for, and we
cant get them again,
theyve changed the bloody locks
Here, one for you. No good coming back
later when I've sold out.
- Nice bit of stuff.
- "Too late, too late "
will be the cry when the man with
the bargains has passed you by.
If you've got no money on you now,
you'll crying tears as big
as October cabbages.
Bacon, cozzers!
# So I said I'm on the roam
So I need a car
# And I know
that I'm getting alive
# And I say I got faith
in a season ##
'Ed can hustle
a few quid here and there.
'But his real talent
lies in cards -
'and gambling with cards.
'Bacon could see that his days
'of selling moody goods
on street corners are numbered.'
'lt's time to move on
and he knows it.'
What you talking about?
I'm bloody skinny, pal.
Yeah, yeah, 'course you are. All right ?
Nick the Greek, always a pleasure.
Tom, what have you been eatin'?
- I've been tellin' him...
- Enough, already !
You two, join me in my office.
So how much is it then, Tom?
You know how much is, Nick.
- And that includes the amp, yeah?
- No.
That does not include the amp.
Shit, Tom. I thought
it included the amp.
Well, it doesn't. I'll throw in one
of these telephones if you like,
but it does not include the amp.
Very nice.
I hope it includes the speakers.
It doesn't include the speakers
it doesn't include the amp.
And it's not supposed to include me getting
the hump with your stupid questions.
Now you want it, Nick, you buy it.
What else do I get with it?
You get a gold-plated Rolls Royce,
as long as you pay for it.
Don't know, Tom.
Seems expensive.
Seems... well, this seems
to be a waste of my time.
That is 900 nicker in any shop
you're lucky enough to find one in
and you're complaining
about 200?
What school of finance
did you study?
It's a deal, it's a steal.
It's the sale
of the fucking century.
In fact, fucking, Nick, I think
I'll keep it.
All right, all right, keep your alans on.
Here's a ton.
Jesus Christ!
You could choke
a dozen donkeys on that,
and you're haggling over 100 pound.
What d'you do when you're
not buying stereos, Nick,
finance revolutions?
100 is still 100.
Not when the price is 200, it's not.
And certainly not when you've got
Liberia's deficit in your sky rocket.
Tighter than a duck's butt you are!
Now come on, let me feel
the fibre of your fabric.
'The skinny one is Tom.'
'And he's the entrepreneur
of the bunch.'
'He's got a couple of
dirty little fingers'
'in a couple of dirty little pies.'
'Nick, here, however,
has made it his business'
'to have all 20 fat
little fingers and toes'
'in every dirty, bent
and stolen pie in London.'
'Between the two of them, there ain't
much you can't get hold of.'
That's my 25 grand.
It's all there, it took me a long time
to earn that, so you treat it with respect.
What about the chef?
What've you come as?
Cupid, stupid.
That's the last time I'm getting anymore
fruit off of you, Tom.
You call that fresh ? There was more small
hairy armoured things in your fruit than it was fruit.
You should open a butchers,
not a grocers.
Well if you will order stuff
from Kathmandu,
don't be surprised if it picks up
a few tourists on route.
Anyway, enough about that.
Where's the money?
Oi! Keep your fingers
out of my soup!
'Soap is called Soap
'because he likes to keep his hands
clean of any unlawful behaviour.'
'He's proud of his job
and even more proud that it's legal.'
'He represents the more
sensible side of the four.'
Are you sure you can afford 25?
It depends on
how you look at it.
I can afford it as long as I see it again,
if that's what you mean.
Got the rest from
the fat man and Bacon?
Fat man, Bacon
and myself.
Looks like it's time
to make that call to Harry.
Who's this fat man, then, ey ?
Ey ?
D'you want a sandwich, Bacon?
'lt's not easy to take
a seat at this card table.'
'The amount of money involved
has to be 100 grand upwards'
'and there's no shortage
of punters.'
'The man who decides whether
you can play or not is this man -'
'Harry, or as some,
including himself like to call him,
'Hatchet Harry.'
You got it all?
Well, If you got it, you got it.
Now, if you don't mind...
- What's this Eddie like then?
- He's a fucking thief!
'Harry has a colleague,
a monster of a man,'
'Barry the Baptist.'
'The Baptist got his name
by drowning people for Hatchet.'
- Are you ever gonna fucking pay ?
- Yeah, I'll pay !
- Are you ever gonna fucking pay ?
- I'll pay, yeah! Yes, I'll pay !
'Barry makes sure
'the administrative side of the
business runs harmoniously.'
The boy's got a rare ability.
He seems to make cards
transparent. He's got...
All right, all right,
so we can say he's good.
Oh no, he's better than good.
He's a fucking liability.
Yeah, hold on, what
do you think of these?
- We're selling hundreds.
- Very nice, Harry.
What's it for?
Oh, don't play innocent with me,
Bazza. Spanking!
There's 25 from me,
Tom, Soap and yourself.
It's a 100 grand to the pound. So why the fuck
are you counting it?
Because I like to.
So a reasonable return should be
in the reason of 120 grand.
As for 25 grand invested,
going on previous experience.
Going on optimism.
Whatever it's going on - it should be enough
to send you on a cooking course.
You're not funny, Tom.
You're fat -
and look as though you
should be, but you're not.
Fat! Who you calling...
Jesus!
It's good in here, innit?
Handy for the tube,
great electrics - I can
see why you moved in.
Don't knock it, it's "CHEEP",
like the budgie.
And nobody wants to live next
to the people we live next to.
- Anti-social to say the least.
- What d'you mean?
He means they're
thieving bastards.
I mean when they're not picking
peanuts out of poop,
they rip off unfortunate souls
of their own earned drugs.
Ssh. Not exactly thick,
these walls.
Nice work, John.
Get yourself a drink.
Is that it?
How many times must
I tell you, Plank?
You'll find a job worth doing, you'll
find your share improving.
Have you got a problem
with that?
# Police and thieves
in the street
# Fighting the nation
with their... ##
You know, Charles, this gear
is getting heavier.
I've a strong suspicion we should've
been rocket scientists or...
Nobel Peace Prize winners...
something....
Peace Prize?
Be lucky to find your penis for a piss
if you keep smoking.
Who the hell's that?
All right, Willie?
Does it look like I am all right ?
Take this.
I'm in danger of breaking
sweat at any second.
Charles,
why've we got that cage?
Security.
That's right.
That's right. Security.
So what's the point in having it
if we're not gonna fucking use it?
Well, I would've used it, Winston,
but this is Willie.
- And Willie lives here.
- Yes, Charles.
But you didn't know it was Willie
until you opened the door, did you?
Chill, Winston. It's me.
Charlie knows it's me,
what's the problem?
The problem is, Willie,
that Charles and yourself
are not the quickest of cats
at the best of times.
So do as I say and keep
the fucking cage LOCKED!
- What is that?
- That's Gloria.
Yes, I know that's Gloria.
What's THAT?
Err...fertiliser.
You went out six hours ago
to buy a money counter.
And you come back with
a semi-conscious Gloria
and a bag of fertiliser ?
Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
We need fertiliser, Winston.
We also need a money counter.
This money's gotta
be out by Thursday.
I'm buggered
if I'm gonna count it.
Oh, and, if you do have to buy
sodding fertiliser,
could you just be
a little more subtle?
What do you mean?
We grow copious amounts
of ganja, yeah?
Yeah.
And you're carrying a wasted
girl and a bag of fertiliser.
You don't look your average
horti-fucking-culturalist.
That's what I mean, Willie.
# "The Boss" #
by James Brown
# Paid the cost to be the boss
# Paid the cost to be the boss
# I paid the cost
to be the boss ##
- How long's he been in there, son ?
- About...20 minutes.
- Is he on his own?
- Yeah, just carrying a bag.
Let's pay him a little visit then,
shall we?
'Big Chris settles debts
for Harry.'
'The only thing he cares
more about than an unsettled debts'
'is his son and heir,
Little Chris.'
# Look at me
# Know what you see
# See a bad mother ##
This is one of them...
high-powered jobs, innit?
Aaagh!
I've got some bad news
for you, John.
What the fuck!
Mind your language
in front of the boy.
Jesus Christ!
That includes blasphemy as well.
Now tell me, John,
how can you be concentratin'
on improving this lovely tan -
and it is a lovely tan by the way-
when you've got more pressing
priorities at hand?
Tell Harry...l mean Mr Harry,
I've been busy,
I'm nearly there.
Check his locker, son.
I don't suppose there's any chance of you
lifting this sunbeam up, Chris, isn't it ?
He's not poor! He's got over a monkey,
and that's just in his wallet!
Fuckin' hell, John, you always walk round
with that in your pocket?
Oi! Use language like that again, sun,
you'll wish you hadn't!
Sorry, Dad.
Right. Put the rest
of the stuff in that.
You can go home
in a plastic bag tonight, John.
You owe what you owe.
And by the time this tan's faded
you wanna have paid.
- You never would've paid.
- Who would pay for shit?
Exactly. I mean we just had to...
What the hell
are you doing here?
What's up?
Let me guess,
my foot in your arse.
Game o'cards - Hatchet Harry?
You're supposed to be
getting your rest in, boy.
You playing cards
tonight, son?
With Harry?
Don't be silly, Dad. I wouldn't
have anything to do with that.
Where did
he get a hundred grand?
He's got adhesive mates -
I mean they're Iike brothers.
They've tossed up
between 'em.
And JD is his dad,
and owns the whole property?
No mortgage, no debts.
Lock, stock - the fucking lot.
Don't you worry, Harry.
I've got it under control.
Good. You can get this
under contol now.
It seems that Lord Appleton Smythe
has run out of money.
and these little beauties
are up for auction.
But I'm not paying a quarter
of a million quid for 'em.
If you know what I mean,
Barry.
Make sure we get everything
from inside the gun cabinet.
I don't want to know who you use,
as long as they're not
complete muppets.
And don't tell 'em
what they're worth, Barry.
# "Spooky" #
by Dusty Springfield
# ln the cool of the evening
# When everything
is getting kinda groovy #
Right, where was we?
Shotguns. What, like guns that fire shots?
Oh, you must be the brains, then.
That's right,
guns that fire shots.
Make sure you bring everything
from inside the gun cabinet.
There'll be a load of old guns.
That's all I want.
Everything else outside the cabinet,
you can keep, it's yours.
Oh, thank you very much.
There'd better
be something there for us.
It's a fucking
stately home,
of course there'll
be something there.
- Like what?
- Like fucking antiques.
Antiques! What the fuck
do we know about antiques?
- We rob post offices.
- We steal cars.
What the fuck do we know
about antiques, mate?
If it looks old,
it's worth money - simple.
So stop fucking moaning
and rob the place.
So who's the guv?
Who are we doing this for?
You're doing it for me -
is all you need to know.
You know
because you need to know.
I see. One of those on a
"need to know basis" things, is it ?
Like one of those
James Bond films.
Careful, remember who's giving
you this job.
Right, I'm off.
Call me when you're done.
Ta-ra.
Fucking northern monkeys.
I hate these fucking
southern fairies.
'Ed has been playing cards
since he could lift 'em up.'
'And he soon discovered
that he had a big advantage.'
'lt's not that he's good with cards,'
'or even good at counting them.'
'lt's that he's good
with reading people's reactions'
'no matter how subtle.'
'And everybody has reactions.'
'Especially when
it comes to money.'
# Love is kind of crazy
# With a spooky
little boy like you ##
- Invitations.
- Invitations?
Yeah, invitations, you know, four pretty
white pieces of paper with your names on.
We got 100,000 bits of paper
with the Queen's head on.
Will that do?
Just you. The others, they can wait
next door in Samoan Jo's.
Samoan Jo's?
You mean the pub? Hold on...
Hold on to your fuckin' tongue
and I'll hold on to my patience, OK, sonny ?
No one in here tonight but card players
and I do mean: no one.
Evening, Fraser. Don, Phil.
It's a bit dramatic, innit?
Is it supposed to be symbolic?
Apparently it's for security.
Yeah? I'd have brought my gloves
if I'd have known.
You must be Eddy, JD's son.
You must be Harry.
Sorry, didn't know your father.
Never mind, son, you just might meet him
if you carry on like that.
Evening, Tanya. Been a while.
All right, Ed.
Right, we call each other Kenny,
OK, Gary?
All right, Kenny.
You gonna put your stocking on, or what?
I spent 120 quid on my hair -
If you think I'm pulling a stocking over,
you're very much mistaken.
You're gonna have to put something on.
This is three card brag, gentlemen.
That means three 3s are the highest,
then three aces,
then running down accordingly.
Then it's a running flush,
a run, a flush and then a pair.
An open man can't
see a blind man.
And it will cost twice the ante
to see your opponent.
Now don't fuck around, fellas.
You know the rules.
And you know I won't stand for it.
What are you doing?
Put that back.
We're here to rob the guns.
Put it back - it's crap anyway.
Come on.
What sort of pub is this here ?
It's a Samoan pub.
What's that?
It's a cocktail -
you asked for a cocktail.
No, I asked you to give me
a refreshing drink.
I wasn't expecting
a fucking rainforest.
You could fall in love
with an orangutang in that.
You want a pint, go to the pub.
I thought this was a pub.
It's a Samoan pub.
Then whatever it is, can you get your man
to turn the TV down?
You can ask him if you like.
If I was you I'd leave him well alone.
Yeah. Get rid of that.
Bring us a Diet Coke.
'Scuse me, can you
turn that TV down?
No.
Oooh!
Whoa, whoa, Kenny.
What are you doing?
I am trying to find out
where they keep their money!
You twat. Can't you see
these people have got no money.
They can't even afford
new furniture.
We've got the guns.
What's the matter with you ?
Every time we do a job,
you have to go burn people's feet.
What's wrong with you?
You wanna be more careful, old fella.
You very nearly took my man's
head clean off with that.
You all right, Kenny?
Kenny?
Ten grand, blind.
Twenty grand, open.
Deep end, eh?
Fold.
Gotcha!
Twenty grand, open.
I fold.
Don't go spending that
all at once, boy.
Bloody 'ell!
What?
I thought you said there'd
be no staff, Barry.
Did you get those guns?
You wanna see
what they did to poor Gary!
Gary, Gary.
I said, did you get those guns?
Yes, we got them!
Good. I'll speak to you later.
Gary, if you can hear me,
get back in the car now, mate, it's OK.
Barry... Barry!
Fucking, sodding,
shandy-drinking bastard!
Gary !
# "Liar Liar" #
by The Castaways
# Liar liar, pants on fire
# Your nose is longer
than a telephone wire
# Ask me, baby, why I'm sad
# Been out all night
Know you've been bad
# Don't tell me different
I know it's a lie
# Come to me, honey
See how I cry
# Why must you hurt me?
Do what you do?
# Listen here, girl
Can't you see I love you?
# Make a little effort
Try to be true
# I will be happy
Not so blue
# Liar liar, pants on fire
# Your nose is longer
than a telephone wire
# You keep on
telling me those lies
# Still going out
with other guys ##
Give me my money!
Give me back my money!
You fucking slags!
Give me my money !
Give me back my money!
Give it back!
Wankers! Wankers!
Come on, you. Not now, please.
Not now, oh you fucking bastard!
Fuck...you bastard.
Oh, my good God!
We'll take you to the cleaners!
Twenty grand open.
Thirty thousand.
Back to you already, Eddie.
Fifty grand.
Eighty grand.
One hundred grand.
Whoa, whoa whoa.
Look, fellas, I know...
I know you're not in,
which means no one cares
what you know.
Two hundred and fifty.
That's quite a raise.
That's one hundred and fifty
on my one hundred.
Yeah, and is there anything else
you want to say?
As you know, this puts us
in an awkward position.
I don't have enough
to continue.
We will have to see both your cards
if no one loans Eddie the money to continue.
It's a loan
or we see both your cards.
I will.
You will what?
I will loan you the money.
No, I think I'd rather
just turn 'em over.
I'm not interested
in what you would rather.
I wanna keep going.
I'm also offering you the money.
So we don't have to turn 'em over
because you can borrow.
I need two hundred
and fifty grand.
No, you need five hundred
grand to see me.
That's if I wanna see you.
Well, you're gonna have a problem
carrying on, ain't ya?
I'll see you.
OK, before I loan you this,
I expect -
- if you lose, of course -
my money back within a week.
Crystal? That's Sunday, OK?
Is that it?
Now let's see his fucking cards.
# "l Wanna Be Your Dog" #
by The Stooges
# So messed up I want you here
# ln my room I want you here
# Now we're gonna be
face to face
# And I'll lay right down
in my favourite place
# And now I wanna be your dog
# And now I wanna be your dog
# And now I wanna be your dog #
# Well, come on! ##
Hello, boy.
Feeling a bit poorly?
I know your friends
are responsible
for most of the cash...
so I'm gonna give you
one week to find it.
Otherwise I will take a finger
of each of you
and your friends' hands
for every day that passes
without payment.
And then when you've
run out of digits -
your dad's bar,
and who knows what then.
All right, my son?
# "Why Did You Do lt?" #
by Stretch
# I've been thinking
about what you have done to me
# The damage is much deeper
than you'll ever see
# Hit me like a hammer
to my head ##
This doesn't look good.
'He then proceeded to explain the unfortunate
position they were in.'
'Harry was going to start sizing up
all their fingers in a week.
'Because he knew there was no way Ed
could settle that debt on his own.'
'Harry saw it
as their money on the table,'
'so it was also their debt
off the table.'
'Ed would hate to admit it, but he could've
kissed the old bastard for that.'
'lf he said he wanted
to settle the debt on his own,'
'it would have been a lie.'
I wish to Christ he would've
let me settle the debt on my own.
- I'm gonna kill him!
- Stop fucking about, Tom.
Now think about what
we're gonna do. Now sit down.
What's all the fuss
about Harry?
Why don't we just
boycott the payment?
Let me tell you
about Hatchet Harry.
Once was this geezer, called Smithy
Robinson, who worked for Harry.
But it was rumoured
that he was on the take.
Harry's invited Smithy round
for an explanation.
Smithy didn't
do a very good job.
Within a minute...
Harry's lost his rag.
Reached out for the nearest
thing at hand -
which happened to be
a 15-inch black rubber cock.
He's then proceeded to batter
poor Smithy to death with it.
Now that was seen as
a pleasant way to go.
Hence Hatchet Harry
is a man you pay if you owe.
Don't worry,
I'll think of something.
# I've been thinking
about what you have done to me
# lmages much deeper
than you'll ever see
# Hit me like
a hammer to my head
# I wonder were you pushed
or were you led?
# Why did you do it?
# Why did you do
that thing to me? ##
Golf - the best way
to spoil a good walk.
Winston Churchill said that.
I say it's a dog-eat-dog world.
And I got
bigger teeth than you two.
I think our friend is trying
to tell us something.
Perhaps not. Perhaps I should take
another swing just to make sure?
Give me a five iron, John.
Certainly, Dog.
Now, keep still.
Yes, Gordon, is there something
you'd like to tell us?
- It's in the fireplace.
- Shut it, you idiot, he'll kill...
Yes, Gordon, you were saying?
It's in the fireplace.
Just pull it out. It's in the bottom.
It's in the fireplace, Frank.
Just pull it out.
It's in the bottom.
Oh, Dog, I think you might wanna
have a look at this!
You gonna let me down now?
No, I'm not
finished with you yet.
Steel.
Help! Help!
Oh, Dog.
Who the hell's that?
It's only 12 o'clock.
Use the cage,
that's what it's there for.
Who is it?
We have got security
for a reason, Willie.
Chill, Winston. It's only Plank.
This weed's getting quite a rep,
you know, fellas, all right ?
Easy.
Jesus!
Never saw you there.
Hello, love,
enjoying yourself?
Is she compos?
What do you think?
Boo!
Fuck me!
Clean that up, Charles.
Sod you, you clean it up.
Sorry, fellas, but that stupid cow
scared the fucking life out of me!
Never mind. Can you just
sit down, stay out the way?
Look, how much is it you want?
I'm...after an half weight.
Right. Well, that's 1,500 then.
Pass the scales, Willie.
Give us some gear, J.
Any chance of actually
seeing the...money?
The odds are 100-1.
All is we need is five grand.
I'd rather put my money
on a three-legged rockin' horse.
The odds are 100-1 for a good
reason, Bacon - it won't win!
- Where's Eddie?
- Where do you think?
The bottom of a bottle,
and has been for two days.
- It's hit him hard.
- Yeah, it's hit us all hard!
Yeah, but he's got to tell his dad
he's about to lose his bar.
Listen to this one.
You open up a company, called
"Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club"
- You what?
- You take out an advert in the back
page of some gay mag,
advertising the latest
in arse-intruding dildos.
You sell it with...I dunno....
"Does what no other
dildo can do until now"
"The latest and greatest
in sexual technology"
"Guaranteed results or money back",
all that bollocks."
Now, these dilds cost 25 quid a pop -
that's a snip for the amount of pleasure
they're gonna give the recipients.
They send their cheques
to the other company name.
Nothing offensive, "Bobby's Bits"
or something, for 25 quid.
You take that 25 quid,
you stick it in the bank until it clears.
Now this is the smart bit.
You send back the cheque
for 25 pound
from the other company name -
"Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club" -
saying "We're sorry,"
we couldn't get the supplies from
America - because they ran out of stock.
Now you see, how many people
cash that cheque.
Not a single soul.
Because who wants their bank manager
to know they tickle arse when he is
not paying in cheques!
So how long do you have to wait
till you see a return?
Probably
no more than four weeks.
A month ? So what fucking good is that
if we need it in six - no, five days?
Well, it's still a good idea.
He may know we smoke a lot, burn a bit
of profit, but he can't have any idea
how much hard currency
we've accumulated.
I don't know. Do you know?
We can just...slice it
off the top.
You guys have got
to realise who this chap is.
He might look a bit silly,
but he's a fucking lunatic.
If he gets the slightest inkling we're not
throwing straight dice,
you and me are gonna know
what the sharp side
of a kebab knife feels like.
So you know these geezers well?
Well enough -
I've been buying gear off one
of 'em for a coupla years.
- So what they like, then?
- Poofs! Nothing heavy.
Four public school boys,
soft as shite.
They ponce around in funny hippy clothes
all day talking bollocks
they're just good at growing weed, that's all.
Business has got bigger
than what they could handle.
They can't all be stupid, can they ?
Think about it, they got a container
load of cash in shoe boxes,
they're selling class A gear -
can't you figure out
there's someone sensible involved ?
What about security?
There's one steel gate as you go in,
but they never lock it.
What d'you mean they never lock it?
Why've they got it for there, then?
I must've been there 50 times -
it's never locked.
They're not suspicious. Everyone
that goes there's a toff.
They're all into that karma crap -
"If l don't harm nobody,
nobody harms me" stuff.
No way they can get back to you?
Even if they could, they'd be too shit scared -
I'm a geezer.
They got no muscle - gutless faggots.
Fancy one?
What's all the flapping about?
You told the old man yet?
Hoping I won't need to.
I've got a plan.
Now listen carefully.
- Hello, boys.
- Harry.
Do you want a drink?
Hello, my son.
D'you want a lolly?
Piss off, you nonce.
Oi, watch it!
No, thanks, Harry.
We're both all right.
Nice shooter.
Yeah, one of a pair -
Holland and Holland.
D'you wanna hold it?
No, not my thing, thanks, Harry.
Business good?
I imagine that's why I'm here.
Four young fellas got in deeper
than they could handle.
They owe me
half a million pound.
- How much?
- Half a million.
I'm game.
Me too.
Oh, God!
Right. We hit 'em
as soon as they come back.
We'll be prepared. Waiting.
And they're armed.
What was that? Armed?
What d'you mean armed?
Armed with what?
Bad breath, colourful language,
feather duster?
What do you think
they're gonna be armed with?
Guns, you tit!
Guns ?
You never said
anything about guns.
A minute ago this was
the safest job in the world.
Now it's turning into
a bad day in Bosnia!
Soap, stop being such a mincer.
- I've thought about that and...
- And what exactly?
And... all we have to do is find out
who's carrying 'em.
Carying them ?
Well, they could all be carrying 'em
for what we know.
No. Only one of 'em carries
them going to the job.
So I assume the same one will be carry 'em
when they come back from the job.
Oh - you assume, dear?
And what did I say about assumption -
being the brother of all fuck-ups?
It's the mother of all fuck-ups,
you stupid!
Well, brother, mother,
any other sucker.
It don't make any difference.
They're still fucking guns and
they still fire fucking bullets!
Soap, if you have a better idea
how to get 500,000
in the next few days,
let us know.
In the meantime, Tom,
you talk to Nick the Bubble
about shifting the weed.
- Weed?
- No, it's not normal weed.
It's some fucked-up skunk, Class A,
"l can't think
let alone move" shit.
Doesn't sound
very good to me.
Oh, neither me - it depends
what flicks your switch.
And the light is on and burning
brightly for the masses.
Anyway, do you know anyone?
I know a man, yes.
Rory Breaker.
Not that madman with an afro?
I don't want anything
to do with him.
You won't have to.
Just get me a sample.
No can do.
What's that -
a place near Kathmandu?
Meet me half-way, mate.
It's all completely
chicken soup.
- It's what?
- It's kosher...as Christmas.
Jews don't
celebrate Christmas, Tom.
No, I never mind that.
I'm gonna need some artillery, too.
Coupla sawn-off shotguns.
This is a bit heavy. This is London,
not the Lebanon.
Who d'you think I am?
I think you're Nick the Greek.
Hold those two.
I don't normally have
anything to do with weed, Nick.
But if it is
what he says it is,
I'll take it off him for
three and a half grand a key.
That is if it is what he says it is.
I don't want to see it
after a sample,
I don't want to touch it
after a sample.
I'll leave you in the capable
hands of Nathan here.
He'll sort out the details.
But just let me tell you
one thing...
If the milk turns out
to be sour,
I ain't the kind
of pussy to drink it.
D'you know what I mean?
- Rory Breaker.
- Rory ?
You don't know Rory. He's not
to be underestimated.
He's a funny-looking
fucker, I know.
But you've got to look past the hair
and the cute cuddly thing.
It's all a deceptive faade.
A few nights ago
Rory's roger iron busted.
So he's gone down the battle cruiser
to watch the end of the football game.
No one's watching the custard,
so he switches the channel over.
A fat geezer's north opens.
And he wanders up
and turns the lizar over.
"Now fuck off and watch it
somewhere else."
Rory knows claret is imminent,
but he doesn't want to miss
the end of the game.
So calm as a coma, picks up
the fire extinguisher,
walks straight past the jam rolls
who were ready for action
and plonks it outside
the entrance.
He then orders an aristotle
of the most ping-pong tiddly
in the nuclear sub
and switches back to his footer.
"That's fucking it,"
says the geezer.
"That's fucking what?"
says Rory.
And he gobs out a mouthful of booze,
covering Fatty.
He flicks a flaming match
into his bird's nest
and the geezer's lit up
like a leaking gas pipe.
Rory, unfazed,
turns back to his game.
His team's won, too. Four nil.
Oi! ls your hair supposed
to look like that?
- All right, short stuff.
- Never mind short stuff.
Listen, the next time we do a job like this
we're gonna want more money, Barry.
Or we're going back
to post offices and cars. Fuck that!
Where's the others?
There was no others.
Stop fucking around.
The others - the old ones.
I don't know what you mean.
There were two old guns there.
Where are they now?
Not in the cabinet, there wasn't.
Oh, there was a couple of old hammer-lock
muskets the butler was carrying.
- But they were ours. We sold them.
- Well you better un-sell 'em, sharpish !
We had to sell them.
We needed the money.
I am not fucking interested.
If you don't wanna be counting
the fingers you haven't got,
I suggest you get those guns.
Quick!
Jesus! lf I pick 'em up,
will they stay in one piece?
Where'd you get them?
I got contacts. Listen, Tom -
you point them at me, I'll shit
myself or do whatever you say to do.
Either way you get
the desired effect.
Oh, they look very nice, I agree, but -
well, they're lacking in criminal
credibility, ain't they?
I might get laughed at.
How much d'you want
for these muskets?
And what's that - a pound for every year
they been about?
I know they're antiques, but I ain't
paying antique prices.
They're a bit long, ain't they?
Sawn-offs are out.
People want a bit
more range these days.
Range ? I don't wanna blow the arse
out of this country grounded,
but I don't want anyone
blowing a raspberry either.
I want to look...fucking mean.
Of course you'll look mean.
You'll look really scary.
Enough about that. What about
this geezer who sells drugs?
Rory Breaker's standing by.
You stand to make a lot
of money, tubby Tommy?
I understand if this has come
as a bit of a shock.
But let me tell you
how this can be resolved
by you, the good father.
Go on.
- He likes your bar.
- Yes.
He wants your bar.
And?
D'you want me
to draw you a picture?
Look, that boy doesn't know
his arsehole from his earhole.
This is my bar. It's got
nothing to do with him.
What, and I care?
Remember, you do have
the luxurious advantage
of being able to sustain
your son's life.
And you do have a reputation -
so I'll choose my words
very carefully.
You tell Harry
to go fuck himself.
Now...
I'll put that down to shock.
Only once.
Only once can l, or shall l,
let you get away with that.
Your son's got three days
to find half a mill.
But make up your mind
which you prefer -
your bar...or your son.
Plank goes in first.
There's a cage, but it's never
locked, is it, Plank?
- Never.
- You don't wanna be ....
All right, once he's got himself set,
he gets the rest of us in.
Now we'll get nasty with a couple of'em,
shit 'em up, ok, or whatever.
Now these wankers shouldn't
give us any problems.
Like any cowboys - there'll
be a few tools lying around.
When the job's done, we come
straight back here and unload.
And Robert's
your father's brother.
Everyone savvy?
Sweet.
Have a look at these.
And what are we supposed
to do with these?
Put them on your head, stupid.
Christ!
If you think I'm gonna
turn up there clean-shaven,
and greet them with a grin on my face,
you've got another think coming.
Now these fellas - they're your neighbours.
I thought it might be a good
idea to disguise ourselves a little.
Right...er, yeah, good thinking,
Soap. Well done.
I brought weapons as well.
Weapons?
What do you mean weapons?
These.
Jesus!
Let's keep 'em covered up.
Couldn't you get
anything a bit bigger?
What, like that?
What d'you think?
I think you need help.
Bar steward, can we have
a coupla drinks, please.
Have you seen your dad?
Hatchet sent
one of his men round.
Oh, shit. When?
Crazy.
Where'd you get these,
a fucking museum?
Nick the Greek.
How much did you part with?
Drachmas, I hope.
I'd feel safer
with a chicken drumstick.
These are gonna do
more harm than good.
Jesus, Tom. Do these work?
I don't know. Look nice though, don't they ?
I rather like 'em.
Oh, that's top of the list of priorities,
is that it?
Ladies, back to more important
issues, if you don't mind.
We've only got two real guns -
apparently that's what they are.
So we find a good place
to hide next door.
We wait till it sounds out the right
time, then we, jack-in-the-box,
Iook nasty and stuff, cocoon 'em
in gaffer tape, nick their van,
swap the gear into the new van
and bring it all back here.
As long as we're all out
of our hiding places quickly,
it's the last thing
they're gonna expect.
Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter
feels like giving 'em a bit of a kicking,
I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Yeah, little bit of pain
never hurt anybody.
If you know what I mean.
Also, I think knives
are a good idea.
Big, fuck-off shiny ones.
Ones that look like
they could skin a crocodile.
Knives are good because
they don't make any noise.
And the less noise they make, the
more likely we are to use 'em.
Shit 'em right up.
Makes it look
like we're serious.
Guns for show,
knives for a pro.
Soap, is there something
we should know about you?
I'm not sure what's more
worrying, the job or your past?
Come on, girls.
Where the fuck are they going?
Shift a piano?
I thought this was meant
to be a robbery.
Where'd they get those outfits?
Not a bad idea that.
All right, it's Plank.
Is Willie there?
No, I'm afraid he's not.
He's out at the moment.
Perhaps you can help.
Perhaps I can't, Plank,
if you know what I mean.
Look, if you could just open the door so
I could talk without shouting.
I can't help you, Plank.
I think you'll find
it's in your interest.
Hold on, OK?
Look, Willie, it's Plank outside for you.
He says it's in our interest.
Listen, I don't care if it's
King-fucking-Kong,
he's not coming in here,
not today.
Hold on. We are in business
and...correct me if I'm wrong, but --
that is business.
Corrected. That's a walking
accident that we can do without.
Jesus. He's OK... He knows
only to buy weights now.
We're looking at at least
a couple of thou'.
What do you think, Winston?
Willie, this is
the last time. All right?
But you and the money
are going out the back.
If he knows you're here,
he'll be all day.
And just clear this shit up!
- What, now?
- Yes! Now!
Just get rid of him quick.
All right. Just coming.
What the fuck is he doing?
Come on, I can't wait
out here all day!
All right. Just coming.
I thought you was gonna
leave me out there all day.
I didn't know you were
a removals man, Plank.
Lives and learns, don't ya?
Keep the gates locked now here?
Ya, sorry. Gotta
do business like this now.
Can't be too careful these days.
I know.
Shut it! You say a fucking word, the right ear goes,
another one - and your left!
- What are you doing, Plank?
- What do you think I'm doing?
Hang on, what are you doing?
Unlock the gate!
Oi! I say unlock the fucking gate!
That's it. Go, go, go!
Fucking move!
What the fuck's going on?
Just hang on, I've got the keys.
The gate's locked! I thought they weren't gonna
let the fucking gate locked.
What've you done to Fauntleroy?
I didn't touch him.
He just passed out.
Don't you stand there. Get the fucking door shut!
D'you want the world to see this?
What's going on down there?
Shit!
Charles, get the rifle out.
We're being fucked.
It must be this one.
Hold that gun. Plank, give me the keys.
Give me the keys, Plank.
Don't point that at my bollocks!
Point it in there!
Planks of wood. I'm working
with fucking planks of wood.
Shit !
What the fuck is that?
- What the fuck's that?
- IT'S ME BREN GUN!
Don't you think you could've brought something
a little bit more practical?
Don't none of you slags move.
I'll kill the fucking lot of you!
Who you gonna kill, Plank?
There's no one fuckin' there?
Aaagh! They fucking shot me!
Well, shoot 'em back.
Jesus, Plank! Couldn't you get
smokeless cartidges?
I can't see a bloody thing !
Aaagh! Shit, I've been shot.
I don't fucking believe this.
Could everyone stop getting shot?
John, sit down and patch
yourself up, you tart!
It's a fucking air rifle!
- What the fuck was that?
- Well, that was the bren gun.
You fire that gun again, you're a dead man.
Understand? Dead!
- No ifs, no buts, you're a fucking dead man!
- All right, all right!
I've got bollock ache with this.
Where's my fucking gun?
All right. Now I've got your attention.
Firstly, I'm gonna blow his toes off.
There go his toes.
Now if you want me out of here,
in five minutes flat,
open the fucking gate
'cause I'm gonna blow his leg off!
They're gonna fucking kill us
if we do, man.
Poor J'll certainly get it
if we don't. He's serious.
I'm losing patience.
Hurry up, girls!
It's all right, all fucking right!
Willie, he doesn't know
you're here..., just .....
Sort something out.
And all your friends,
there's a good lad.
- There's only three of us here.
- I don't believe you.
- Fuck, I'm gonna blow his leg off.
- I mean it. There's only three of us!
- Plank?
- Yeah, one of 'em's out.
Now open the gate.
Up, up, up, there's a good lad.
John, get them tied up.
Plank, where's the money?
There, in those shoe-boxes.
- Where?
- Out the back.
- And the weed?
- Out the back.
- Point.
- With what?
- Your fucking hands, now!
- I'm tied up.
Well, nod your head or something!
Check it out.
Plank, get Paul out that van lively.
Knife.
I'm gonna cut him.
Make sure he knows he's dead.
How you doing, Mick?
How d'you think I'm doing?
He's fucking nearly chopped my arm off.
Jesus Christ.
Gordon Bennett.
What the fuck's
been going on here?
Shut up, you idiot.
It's Hanukkah.
Don't just stand there.
Look at the bags, can you fit it all in?
There's a lot...l can't
get Epping Forest in my van.
'Can't'. I don't hear 'can't'.
Bollocks to 'can't'.
You'll fit it all in
if you have to make two trips.
Bollocks!
You got a ticket already. Now if you
don't move it, we will move it for you.
- I'll only be a minute.
- You've already been 15.
- Look, come and have a look.
- At what exactly?
- Well, the van's half full.
- So?
So, all I've got to do
is fill it up, put you in it...
What?
..and I'm off.
Do you think you can carry
more than one bag this time?
- I can't. My neck, Dog.
- How many more bags ?
- Just a couple.
Mick, you dead yet?
I'll be all right. Once I've
dealt with that lanky prick.
Do it quietly.
It's time to say "Goodnight, nurse".
Where the fuck
did she come from?
That is it. Tie her up.
We're out of here.
Not like that,
you idiot. Give it us here.
What you doing, Ed?
D'you want one?
No, I fucking don't.
You cannot make a cup of tea, Edward.
The entire British Empire
was built on cups of tea.
Yeah, and look what happened to that.
And if you think I'm going to war
without one, mate, you're mistaken.
Going to war with what?
Have you forgotten
those guns, you dozy prat?
You won't get away with this.
- Paul, what's that?
- It's a traffic warden.
I can see it's a fuckin' traffic warden,
what's he doing in the back of the van?
He was gonna call the cozzers.
Fair enough -
we'll deal with him later.
How we doing, Tom?
Right as rain.
I'm just gonna take care of the cabs.
Keep us posted.
All right, mate, do you do airports?
Where the hell are we gonna hide?
Don't complicate things.
Just hide.
We're on.
They weigh a pound or two!
Shut up and back up!
Spin round, big boy.
Fuck!
Stay down. Stay down!
Tie 'em up. Tape 'em up.
Hands and face.
On the floor!
Bend over the fucking desk.
Keys. I want keys, now.
I'll find ya.
'Course you will, sweetheart.
I'll find ya.
What d'you think this is?
Fucking hide-and-seek?
That one. Search that one.
Right, I'll see you in the van,
when you've finished with handsome here.
Jesus. That wasn't
too bad, was it?
When the bottle in my arse has
contracted, I'll let you know.
Bacon, see what we've got.
Let's have a butchers, ey?
We've hit the jackpot, lads.
We've got God knows how much
of this stinking weed.
A shitload of cash.
And a traffic warden.
What?
Jesus, Ed.
We got a traffic warden.
I think he's still alive.
He's got claret
coming out of him somewhere.
What did they want
with a traffic warden?
I don't know.
I don't think we need him.
Knock him out and dump him
at the lights.
Knock him out? What d'you mean,
knock him out? Knock him out with what?
I don't know! Use your imagination.
Don't touch him up.
Knock him out.
I'll knock you out in a minute!
Look, you wanna knock him out,
you knock him out.
I fucking hate traffic wardens.
It's about time you gave my
young friends a visit, Chris.
Tomorrow's the day
and mum's the word.
Now I can't have that,
can l, Baz?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean it's a liberty.
And I can't have a liberty taken,
can l, Chris?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean, it's enough
to give me the arsehole.
And I can't have the arsehole,
can l, boys?
No, Harry, you can't.
All right, that's it.
We're done.
We're off.
Here, Ed, are you sure it's a good
idea taking this back to yours?
Why, it's the only place we can take it,
and the last place they're gonna look.
Anyway, fuck it. The battle
is over and the war is won.
Now, Tom, you take this to Nick the
Bubble and we get rid of it quick.
This skunk
is as good as it gets.
All right.
We'll take it. Half price.
I don't think he'll like that.
And you said three five a key.
And... and you know that's a good price.
That was yesterday I said three and a half.
And now it's today
if I'm not mistaken.
We'll take it tomorrow.
Half price.
If he wants to get rid of it
quick, he'll have to take it.
Now look, I've got a race coming up in a minute,
so if you'd just be kind enough to...
Lenny,
take that round to Snow White
and the three little chemists.
They should have
a gander of that.
I want a second opinion.
Hang on a minute, Nathan,
something stinks.
Yeah, your fucking aftershave.
Fuck you, funny man.
For God's sake, help me.
I'm in pain.
I'm in so much pain, Jesus!
Go in slowly, Nathan.
Fuck you, funny man.
You go first.
Just get the fuck in there, will you ?
I want this house searched for bugs,
I mean I want it stripped.
Where is the poin in that ?
Even if there was a bug,
they'd have taken it with 'em.
It's a bit late
for you to start thinking, John.
If it's a possibility,
that's good enough for me.
I want you to strip this place.
I want every slag this side of Ceylon
pulled in.
And tortured...badly.
I want to know
who's responsible for this,
otherwise I'm gonna hold
you all responsible.
Not a bad day.
That pile takes care of Harry.
What's left over?
Give me half a chance
to count it.
What about this gear, then, ey?
Oh, what, you want
a toke on that?
No. I don't think I want any
of that horrible shit.
Can we lock up
and get drunk now, please?
We shot one of them...
in the...er, throat.
What d'you want, a medal?
I'll shoot you in the fuckin throat
if I don't get my ganja back.
The one you shot.
Is he still in there now?
No, it was another one.
That's more like it.
Where is he?
Well, they...they
took him with them.
He's still, still alive.
What did you shoot him with?
An air gun?
Look, we grow weed.
We're not mercenaries.
You don't say.
Who could it be?
Where do we start, Rory?
Mr Breaker.
Today my name is Mr Breaker.
You think this
is a coincidence?
This white shite
steals my things
and thinks that he can
sell it back to me!
He's got less brains
than you, Lenny!
Get Nick - the greasy wop
shistos pezavengy gammore
Greek bastard round here now,
if he's still stupid enough
to be on this planet.
# Come with me,
I'll fill you with desire
# Take my hand and we'll walk
this land together ##
Your stupidity might be
your one saving grace.
Uuh?
Don't uuh me, Greek boy.
How is it your fucking stupid,
soon-to-be-dead friends
thought that they might be able
to steal my cannabis
and then sell it back to me?
Is this a declaration of war?
Is this some white cunt's joke
that black cunts don't get?
'Cause I'm not fucking laughing,
Ni-ko-las!
I know you couldn't
have known my position,
'cause you're not that stupid
that if you did,
you wouldn't have turned up here
scratching your arse,
with that "what's going on here" look
slapped all over your Chevy Chase.
But what you do know
is where these people live.
If you hold back anything,
I'll kill you.
If you bend the truth, or I think
you are bending the truth, I'll kill you.
If you forget anything,
I'll kill you.
In fact, you're gonna have to work
very hard to stay alive, Nick.
Now do you understand
everything I've said?
Because if you don't,
I'll kill you.
Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak...
you may enlighten me.
So we've got a bit
of a problem, don't we?
Er, well...yeah, yeah, we do.
Yea, yeah, we do. In fact, this is a little bit more
than looking a bit of a problem, isn't it ?
On the scale of things, you could say it's the
Mount fucking Everest of problems!
And the reason it's such a
mon-fucking-struosity of a problem is...
you don't have the first idea
who did this to us, have you?
Dog, we've... we've been up all night.
It's no one from round here.
We've had 'em all lined up
against the wall.
If it was a toerag
from round the manor, we'd know.
- We'd know.
- You'd know? You'd fucking know?
You wouldn't know if it was
the next door fucking neighbours!
Now get out there and find them!
I'm sick of the fucking sight of you!
Get out of the fucking sight!
You look shit!
"Scarface" -
I've watched "Scarface".
If you want to know how to do
a drug deal, you watch "Scarface".
That really inspires confidence.
- This guy, Rory Breaker...
- Rory Breaker ?
The psychotic black dwarf with an afro?
That'll be the same man, yes.
I've heard of him -
he's a fucking lunatic.
Well, he can afford to do the deal
at the price we're selling.
It's not worth him
giving us any trouble.
Cause he knows we'll be a pain
in the arse. And who needs a pain in the arse?
I'd take a pain in the arse
for half a million quid.
You'd take a pain
in the arse for air miles.
Tom, the fatter you get,
the sadder you get.
Will you two stop flirting
for a minute?
After we pay Hatchet,
this deal puts us up...
nearly 200,000 pounds each.
That's not bad for a morning's work,
I think you'll agree.
So they had the cash.
And the puff.
Cheeky bastards. Count it.
Shit, Dog. There's a lot.
Do you want to do it next door?
We're not going next door
'til we've flayed
them dead men walking.
We'll count it upstairs.
I don't want them to see you
fingering the money when
they walk through the door...
Dog, look...
Give it us here...dozy bastard.
Check your guns.
Get yourselves well hid.
You wait till they get right inside
the door, then you give it to'em.
Give me them shooters,
you can use your own.
Yeah.
That's no way
to answer the phone.
Is that you, Dean?
No, it's Lord fucking Lucan.
Who do you think it is?
What can I do for you?
You know those guns I sold you,
I need them back.
Not likely I'm afraid. I don't think
I'll be seeing them again.
Look, I've got the money
to pay for them.
I'm sure you do.
But don't think you understand.
I ain't gonna be seeing them
or the guns again.
We can't get them.
If we can't get them,
we can't get them.
Well, you'll have to fucking get them.
We made a fucking deal for
everything inside the cabinet.
Inside, out-fucking-side -
I don't give a shit.
- You get those guns because if you don't...
- Oh yeah, Bazza, or what ?
Have you heard
of Harry Lonsdale?
Otherwise known as "Hack You
Up With an Hatchet Harry"?
Well, this is...
James Bond, need-to-know time.
When you dance with the devil,
you wait for the song to stop.
Know what I mean?
I mean find 'em,
torture 'em and kill 'em.
And bring back
what belongs to me.
Because if you don't,
your family's bang in trouble.
Who was that?
That was Harry Horrible Hatchet.
Jesus, I've heard of him.
Shit, they were
his fucking guns we sold.
We've got to find them.
Now no fucking about now, Nick.
Where can I find those guns?
Six black cocks
and a little white kitten
sitting on the side
of the road.
We're gonna do
a proper decoration job.
I want the grey skies
of London illuminated.
I want that house painted red.
All right, there's this brass
standing on the corner, right?
Dwarf walks up to her
carrying a suitcase...
Winston there
is gonna come along
and see if he recognises
any of them.
Now watch out for these fellas -
they've got a bit of an arsenal
and they don't mind using it.
...and I'm taking down her panties...
Now does everyone here know
what they got to do?
Yeah.
What the fuck is going on?
You got something here
for me, have you?
Come on, chop-chop.
Thank you very much.
- He's got the guns.Go ahead you get them.
- Why me?
You're supposed
to be the hard case...
You go get the guns!
I drive the car!
Good boy.
- Go get the fucking guns.
- I'm not going get the fucking guns!
YOU get the fucking guns!
You fucking big...
All right. Wrap them guns up.
Count the money.
Put your seat belt on.
Fucking guns, we've got to get the fucking
guns or we're dead!
..so I made sure I fucked
the one that was coughing.
Out of the car, you yuppy fucker!
Aaaaaaaagh !
He's the one
we shot in the neck.
Is that right, Mr Botanical?
Jesus!
I don't believe this.
What the fuck has happened here?
Jesus.
The money. The gear.
This is fucked.
No money. No weed.
It's all been replaced
by a pile of corpses.
All right. Don't panic.
Let's think about this.
No, fuck that,
you can think about it.
I'm panicking and I'm off.
How did you get your hands
on these, then?
The boys had 'em.
I know you like
these sort of things -
wondered if you wanted 'em.
Yeah, I'll have 'em.
- Was it hard getting the money?
- Not especially.
Upset a few characters, though.
Have you counted it?
Yeah, it's all there,
to the pound.
- And they were gonna pay?
- Looks like it.
But who knows?
The opportunity was there.
In my experience it's best
to take that opportunity -
if it's there.
Good work, Chris.
We've got to get those guns.
This is dangerous shit there.
We don't even know who lives there.
Listen, I don't care who lives there!
All's I know is that it's preferable
to death by Hatchet.
Fair enough. Let's go.
I don't think
it's the right move.
It's either that
the old boy's place
and we lose a digit daily.
- I'm gonna phone him.
- As if he'll care.
He'll care, all right? That was
supposed to be his money.
Whether he cares about us
or not, is different.
Pass me the phone.
Yeah? That you, boy?
It's Ed,
if that's what you mean.
'Pay day, ain't it?'
Yeah...l wanted
to talk to you about that.
I'll bet you do.
I got half
a million nicker sitting here,
which means
some poor sod doesn't.
You've been upsetin' a few people, boy.
But that really
isn't my concern, is it?
What does concern me...
is the guns you had.
'l want to talk to you
about that.'
So get your arse over here now.
And I do mean now!
Bastard! You fucking bastard!
What the fuck
are you doing here?
What the fuck
are you doing here?
Job well done. We made
a few quid out of that one.
Son...?
Made a few quid, did you?
Where's what I want, now?
You all right down there, mate?
Very fucking funny.
Where's what I want?
I've just left it in the office.
Well, we'd better go to the office and get it,
that is if you want
your son to see his next birthday.
- Now chop-fucking-chop.
- All right. Fair enough.
Where you going?
It's a thirty second drive
or a five minute walk.
I couldn't have parked outside,
I'd have got a ticket.
I suppose that don't
matter now, does it?
Just be careful.
Right.
You and me.
You and who?
You know where
the door handle is, Tom.
# "The Payback" #
by James Brown
# Pay back
# That's it, pay back.
# Revenge, I'm mad
# Get down with my girlfriend
# That ain't right ##
Oh, no. Not again.
That's it. I'm off.
Tom...that is our bag.
- Ed...!
- Hold on.
This is our bag.
That's it. We're off.
- I'll see you in the car. I'm gonna take these guns.
- Tom, don't fuck about!
- I'll see you in the car.
- Tom !
- It'll only take a minute.
What is going on?
I don't know, but what I do know
is there's no more Harry.
Which means
there's no more debt.
And if there's no more debt,
there's no more problem.
And there's no problem with the
neighbours - because they're all dead.
And I think,
if I get this right,
we haven't done anything wrong
and we're in the clear.
Never ever...
has anyone
been as fucking rude...
..to me...
...as you, YOU... FUCKING... BASTARD!
You all right, mate?
Cheeky bastard!
'Now this was an embarrassing
position for Tom to be in.
'But Chris had to respect
the fact that he was holding
'what appeared to be
a pair of loaded shotguns.
'And Tom had to respect the fact
that they were not loaded.
'So without anybody
losing too much face,
'Tom left through a side door
and Chris left with the money.
'And everybody else got arrested.'
He's not one of 'em.
# Sitting in the cheap seats
underneath the stars
# I'm heading back to base
# I'll drop you off
at mars ##
I think your dad would like
a word with you, Ed.
Where are the others?
They got out yesterday.
They're back at the bar.
# I'm a man machine
# Takin' gasoline
# Super-human being ##
All right, Dad?
I'm all right.
How about yourself?
I'm all right.
Could do with a drink, though.
All in good time. All in good time.
So, are you in the clear?
More importantly...am l?
It appears so.
Appears? You'll have to do
better than fucking appears, my friend.
Well, everybody's dead, Dad.
I think that's about as clear
as it can get.
How about that drink?
You know where the bar is.
Eh?
Don't make yourself
too comfortable.
Alan's got to sit there.
Alan!
You're lucky
you're still breathing,
Iet alone able to walk.
I suggest you take
full advantage of that fact.
# 'Cause I'm a man machine
# Takin' gasoline
# I'm a teen dream
# Super-human being
# I'm a man machine
# I'm a man machine ! ##
You took your time.
Where the hell have you been?
Sit down. I'll tell you.
The traffic warden identified
the neighbours' bodies.
Which sort of
puts us in the clear.
The only thing connecting us
with the case...
..is those shotguns.
And Tom took care of them.
You did take care of the shotguns,
didn't you, Tom?
I wanted to talk to you about that.
Well, talk.
Well, actually...no.
I've got them sittin' in the car,
I.. I was gonna sell 'em back to Nick the Greek,
but I am having a bit of a problem
gettin' hold of him.
You dippy bastard.
So...the only thing
connecting us with the case
is in the back of your car,
which is parked outside!
They costed 700 quid.
I'm not gonna throw 'em away.
And they're hardly likely to trace
'em back to us, are they?
Do you really think it's worth taking the
the risk for 700?
Tom, you're a dick!
Now you take those guns
and you throw 'em off a bridge.
And throw yourself off while you're at it.
Now.... Tom.
- Look, all I'm...
- Now, Tom !
Can I have a beer, please, Dad?
I'm busy. Get it yourself.
It seemed Hatchet
underestimated you lot.
And it seems to have cost him.
I ain't gonna make
the same mistake now, am l?
So I've decided
to bring your bag back.
I think the word you're looking
for, gentlemen, is "thank you".
Thank you.
Now you've presented me
with a problem.
I've lost my employer.
So I've taken care
of meself and me son.
Now if you think that's unfair,
you come and pay me a little visit.
But you better be
waving a white flag,
high and clear
so as I can see it.
Or it'll be the last little visit
you ever make.
You understand ?
That's all I've come to say.
There is one more thing...
It's been emotional.
# "Fool's Gold" #
by The Stone Roses
# The gold road's
sure a long road
# Winds on through the hills
for fifteen days ##
We are now officially in
the money-lending business, all right, son?
Put your seatbelt on.
We're out of here.
It's empty.
# The pack on my back is aching
# The strap seems
to cut me like a knife
# I'm no clown
I won't back down
# I don't need you
to tell me what's going down...
What's his number?
Don't! Don't! You'll jam the line!
I'll call him!
My fucking batteries!
- No, you muppet!
- Give me the phone! Give me the fucking phone!
- I'll dial it!
- Tell me the number!
- Now give me your phone!
- You'll break it!
- You give me the phone!
- You'll break it and it'll be fucked!
You shut it. It's fucking ringing!
# "Oh Girl" #
by Mauro Pawloski
# I'm eighteen with a bullet
# Got my finger on the trigger
# I'm gonna pull it
# I've picked a clip now
I'm the son of a gun
# So hold it right there,
Little girl, little girl
# We're gonna have big fun
# I may be an oldie
# But I'm a goodie, too
# I'll last forever
# And I'll be good to you
Oh, yes, I will...
the needy from the greedy
and those who trust me
from the ones who don't.
Because if you can't see value here today,
you're not up here shopping,
you're up here shoplifting.
You see these goods?
You've never seen daylight, moonlight,
Israelites,
Fanny by the gaslight.
Take a bag, come on, take a bag.
I took a bag home last night -
it cost me a lot more than ten pound,
I can tell you.
Anyone like jewellery?
Look at that one there.
Hand-made in ltaly,
hand-stolen in Stepney.
It's as long as my arm,
I wish it was as long as something else.
Don't think 'cos these boxes
are sealed up, they're empty.
The only man who sells empty
boxes is the undertaker.
And by the look of some of you lot here today
Id make more money with my measuring tape.
Here, one price, ten pound.
- Did you say ten pound?
- Are you deaf?
That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Squeeze in if you can. Left leg,
right leg, your body will follow.
They call it walking.
Do you want one as well darlin?
You do, thats it, they're waking up.
Treat the wife -
treat somebody else's wife.
It's a lot more fun
if you don't get caught.
Hold on, you want one as well?
OK, darlin', show me a bit of life, then.
It's no good standing out there
like one o'clock half struck.
My own youd better buy'em,
these are not stolen -
they just havent been paid for, and we
cant get them again,
theyve changed the bloody locks
Here, one for you. No good coming back
later when I've sold out.
- Nice bit of stuff.
- "Too late, too late "
will be the cry when the man with
the bargains has passed you by.
If you've got no money on you now,
you'll crying tears as big
as October cabbages.
Bacon, cozzers!
# So I said I'm on the roam
So I need a car
# And I know
that I'm getting alive
# And I say I got faith
in a season ##
'Ed can hustle
a few quid here and there.
'But his real talent
lies in cards -
'and gambling with cards.
'Bacon could see that his days
'of selling moody goods
on street corners are numbered.'
'lt's time to move on
and he knows it.'
What you talking about?
I'm bloody skinny, pal.
Yeah, yeah, 'course you are. All right ?
Nick the Greek, always a pleasure.
Tom, what have you been eatin'?
- I've been tellin' him...
- Enough, already !
You two, join me in my office.
So how much is it then, Tom?
You know how much is, Nick.
- And that includes the amp, yeah?
- No.
That does not include the amp.
Shit, Tom. I thought
it included the amp.
Well, it doesn't. I'll throw in one
of these telephones if you like,
but it does not include the amp.
Very nice.
I hope it includes the speakers.
It doesn't include the speakers
it doesn't include the amp.
And it's not supposed to include me getting
the hump with your stupid questions.
Now you want it, Nick, you buy it.
What else do I get with it?
You get a gold-plated Rolls Royce,
as long as you pay for it.
Don't know, Tom.
Seems expensive.
Seems... well, this seems
to be a waste of my time.
That is 900 nicker in any shop
you're lucky enough to find one in
and you're complaining
about 200?
What school of finance
did you study?
It's a deal, it's a steal.
It's the sale
of the fucking century.
In fact, fucking, Nick, I think
I'll keep it.
All right, all right, keep your alans on.
Here's a ton.
Jesus Christ!
You could choke
a dozen donkeys on that,
and you're haggling over 100 pound.
What d'you do when you're
not buying stereos, Nick,
finance revolutions?
100 is still 100.
Not when the price is 200, it's not.
And certainly not when you've got
Liberia's deficit in your sky rocket.
Tighter than a duck's butt you are!
Now come on, let me feel
the fibre of your fabric.
'The skinny one is Tom.'
'And he's the entrepreneur
of the bunch.'
'He's got a couple of
dirty little fingers'
'in a couple of dirty little pies.'
'Nick, here, however,
has made it his business'
'to have all 20 fat
little fingers and toes'
'in every dirty, bent
and stolen pie in London.'
'Between the two of them, there ain't
much you can't get hold of.'
That's my 25 grand.
It's all there, it took me a long time
to earn that, so you treat it with respect.
What about the chef?
What've you come as?
Cupid, stupid.
That's the last time I'm getting anymore
fruit off of you, Tom.
You call that fresh ? There was more small
hairy armoured things in your fruit than it was fruit.
You should open a butchers,
not a grocers.
Well if you will order stuff
from Kathmandu,
don't be surprised if it picks up
a few tourists on route.
Anyway, enough about that.
Where's the money?
Oi! Keep your fingers
out of my soup!
'Soap is called Soap
'because he likes to keep his hands
clean of any unlawful behaviour.'
'He's proud of his job
and even more proud that it's legal.'
'He represents the more
sensible side of the four.'
Are you sure you can afford 25?
It depends on
how you look at it.
I can afford it as long as I see it again,
if that's what you mean.
Got the rest from
the fat man and Bacon?
Fat man, Bacon
and myself.
Looks like it's time
to make that call to Harry.
Who's this fat man, then, ey ?
Ey ?
D'you want a sandwich, Bacon?
'lt's not easy to take
a seat at this card table.'
'The amount of money involved
has to be 100 grand upwards'
'and there's no shortage
of punters.'
'The man who decides whether
you can play or not is this man -'
'Harry, or as some,
including himself like to call him,
'Hatchet Harry.'
You got it all?
Well, If you got it, you got it.
Now, if you don't mind...
- What's this Eddie like then?
- He's a fucking thief!
'Harry has a colleague,
a monster of a man,'
'Barry the Baptist.'
'The Baptist got his name
by drowning people for Hatchet.'
- Are you ever gonna fucking pay ?
- Yeah, I'll pay !
- Are you ever gonna fucking pay ?
- I'll pay, yeah! Yes, I'll pay !
'Barry makes sure
'the administrative side of the
business runs harmoniously.'
The boy's got a rare ability.
He seems to make cards
transparent. He's got...
All right, all right,
so we can say he's good.
Oh no, he's better than good.
He's a fucking liability.
Yeah, hold on, what
do you think of these?
- We're selling hundreds.
- Very nice, Harry.
What's it for?
Oh, don't play innocent with me,
Bazza. Spanking!
There's 25 from me,
Tom, Soap and yourself.
It's a 100 grand to the pound. So why the fuck
are you counting it?
Because I like to.
So a reasonable return should be
in the reason of 120 grand.
As for 25 grand invested,
going on previous experience.
Going on optimism.
Whatever it's going on - it should be enough
to send you on a cooking course.
You're not funny, Tom.
You're fat -
and look as though you
should be, but you're not.
Fat! Who you calling...
Jesus!
It's good in here, innit?
Handy for the tube,
great electrics - I can
see why you moved in.
Don't knock it, it's "CHEEP",
like the budgie.
And nobody wants to live next
to the people we live next to.
- Anti-social to say the least.
- What d'you mean?
He means they're
thieving bastards.
I mean when they're not picking
peanuts out of poop,
they rip off unfortunate souls
of their own earned drugs.
Ssh. Not exactly thick,
these walls.
Nice work, John.
Get yourself a drink.
Is that it?
How many times must
I tell you, Plank?
You'll find a job worth doing, you'll
find your share improving.
Have you got a problem
with that?
# Police and thieves
in the street
# Fighting the nation
with their... ##
You know, Charles, this gear
is getting heavier.
I've a strong suspicion we should've
been rocket scientists or...
Nobel Peace Prize winners...
something....
Peace Prize?
Be lucky to find your penis for a piss
if you keep smoking.
Who the hell's that?
All right, Willie?
Does it look like I am all right ?
Take this.
I'm in danger of breaking
sweat at any second.
Charles,
why've we got that cage?
Security.
That's right.
That's right. Security.
So what's the point in having it
if we're not gonna fucking use it?
Well, I would've used it, Winston,
but this is Willie.
- And Willie lives here.
- Yes, Charles.
But you didn't know it was Willie
until you opened the door, did you?
Chill, Winston. It's me.
Charlie knows it's me,
what's the problem?
The problem is, Willie,
that Charles and yourself
are not the quickest of cats
at the best of times.
So do as I say and keep
the fucking cage LOCKED!
- What is that?
- That's Gloria.
Yes, I know that's Gloria.
What's THAT?
Err...fertiliser.
You went out six hours ago
to buy a money counter.
And you come back with
a semi-conscious Gloria
and a bag of fertiliser ?
Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
We need fertiliser, Winston.
We also need a money counter.
This money's gotta
be out by Thursday.
I'm buggered
if I'm gonna count it.
Oh, and, if you do have to buy
sodding fertiliser,
could you just be
a little more subtle?
What do you mean?
We grow copious amounts
of ganja, yeah?
Yeah.
And you're carrying a wasted
girl and a bag of fertiliser.
You don't look your average
horti-fucking-culturalist.
That's what I mean, Willie.
# "The Boss" #
by James Brown
# Paid the cost to be the boss
# Paid the cost to be the boss
# I paid the cost
to be the boss ##
- How long's he been in there, son ?
- About...20 minutes.
- Is he on his own?
- Yeah, just carrying a bag.
Let's pay him a little visit then,
shall we?
'Big Chris settles debts
for Harry.'
'The only thing he cares
more about than an unsettled debts'
'is his son and heir,
Little Chris.'
# Look at me
# Know what you see
# See a bad mother ##
This is one of them...
high-powered jobs, innit?
Aaagh!
I've got some bad news
for you, John.
What the fuck!
Mind your language
in front of the boy.
Jesus Christ!
That includes blasphemy as well.
Now tell me, John,
how can you be concentratin'
on improving this lovely tan -
and it is a lovely tan by the way-
when you've got more pressing
priorities at hand?
Tell Harry...l mean Mr Harry,
I've been busy,
I'm nearly there.
Check his locker, son.
I don't suppose there's any chance of you
lifting this sunbeam up, Chris, isn't it ?
He's not poor! He's got over a monkey,
and that's just in his wallet!
Fuckin' hell, John, you always walk round
with that in your pocket?
Oi! Use language like that again, sun,
you'll wish you hadn't!
Sorry, Dad.
Right. Put the rest
of the stuff in that.
You can go home
in a plastic bag tonight, John.
You owe what you owe.
And by the time this tan's faded
you wanna have paid.
- You never would've paid.
- Who would pay for shit?
Exactly. I mean we just had to...
What the hell
are you doing here?
What's up?
Let me guess,
my foot in your arse.
Game o'cards - Hatchet Harry?
You're supposed to be
getting your rest in, boy.
You playing cards
tonight, son?
With Harry?
Don't be silly, Dad. I wouldn't
have anything to do with that.
Where did
he get a hundred grand?
He's got adhesive mates -
I mean they're Iike brothers.
They've tossed up
between 'em.
And JD is his dad,
and owns the whole property?
No mortgage, no debts.
Lock, stock - the fucking lot.
Don't you worry, Harry.
I've got it under control.
Good. You can get this
under contol now.
It seems that Lord Appleton Smythe
has run out of money.
and these little beauties
are up for auction.
But I'm not paying a quarter
of a million quid for 'em.
If you know what I mean,
Barry.
Make sure we get everything
from inside the gun cabinet.
I don't want to know who you use,
as long as they're not
complete muppets.
And don't tell 'em
what they're worth, Barry.
# "Spooky" #
by Dusty Springfield
# ln the cool of the evening
# When everything
is getting kinda groovy #
Right, where was we?
Shotguns. What, like guns that fire shots?
Oh, you must be the brains, then.
That's right,
guns that fire shots.
Make sure you bring everything
from inside the gun cabinet.
There'll be a load of old guns.
That's all I want.
Everything else outside the cabinet,
you can keep, it's yours.
Oh, thank you very much.
There'd better
be something there for us.
It's a fucking
stately home,
of course there'll
be something there.
- Like what?
- Like fucking antiques.
Antiques! What the fuck
do we know about antiques?
- We rob post offices.
- We steal cars.
What the fuck do we know
about antiques, mate?
If it looks old,
it's worth money - simple.
So stop fucking moaning
and rob the place.
So who's the guv?
Who are we doing this for?
You're doing it for me -
is all you need to know.
You know
because you need to know.
I see. One of those on a
"need to know basis" things, is it ?
Like one of those
James Bond films.
Careful, remember who's giving
you this job.
Right, I'm off.
Call me when you're done.
Ta-ra.
Fucking northern monkeys.
I hate these fucking
southern fairies.
'Ed has been playing cards
since he could lift 'em up.'
'And he soon discovered
that he had a big advantage.'
'lt's not that he's good with cards,'
'or even good at counting them.'
'lt's that he's good
with reading people's reactions'
'no matter how subtle.'
'And everybody has reactions.'
'Especially when
it comes to money.'
# Love is kind of crazy
# With a spooky
little boy like you ##
- Invitations.
- Invitations?
Yeah, invitations, you know, four pretty
white pieces of paper with your names on.
We got 100,000 bits of paper
with the Queen's head on.
Will that do?
Just you. The others, they can wait
next door in Samoan Jo's.
Samoan Jo's?
You mean the pub? Hold on...
Hold on to your fuckin' tongue
and I'll hold on to my patience, OK, sonny ?
No one in here tonight but card players
and I do mean: no one.
Evening, Fraser. Don, Phil.
It's a bit dramatic, innit?
Is it supposed to be symbolic?
Apparently it's for security.
Yeah? I'd have brought my gloves
if I'd have known.
You must be Eddy, JD's son.
You must be Harry.
Sorry, didn't know your father.
Never mind, son, you just might meet him
if you carry on like that.
Evening, Tanya. Been a while.
All right, Ed.
Right, we call each other Kenny,
OK, Gary?
All right, Kenny.
You gonna put your stocking on, or what?
I spent 120 quid on my hair -
If you think I'm pulling a stocking over,
you're very much mistaken.
You're gonna have to put something on.
This is three card brag, gentlemen.
That means three 3s are the highest,
then three aces,
then running down accordingly.
Then it's a running flush,
a run, a flush and then a pair.
An open man can't
see a blind man.
And it will cost twice the ante
to see your opponent.
Now don't fuck around, fellas.
You know the rules.
And you know I won't stand for it.
What are you doing?
Put that back.
We're here to rob the guns.
Put it back - it's crap anyway.
Come on.
What sort of pub is this here ?
It's a Samoan pub.
What's that?
It's a cocktail -
you asked for a cocktail.
No, I asked you to give me
a refreshing drink.
I wasn't expecting
a fucking rainforest.
You could fall in love
with an orangutang in that.
You want a pint, go to the pub.
I thought this was a pub.
It's a Samoan pub.
Then whatever it is, can you get your man
to turn the TV down?
You can ask him if you like.
If I was you I'd leave him well alone.
Yeah. Get rid of that.
Bring us a Diet Coke.
'Scuse me, can you
turn that TV down?
No.
Oooh!
Whoa, whoa, Kenny.
What are you doing?
I am trying to find out
where they keep their money!
You twat. Can't you see
these people have got no money.
They can't even afford
new furniture.
We've got the guns.
What's the matter with you ?
Every time we do a job,
you have to go burn people's feet.
What's wrong with you?
You wanna be more careful, old fella.
You very nearly took my man's
head clean off with that.
You all right, Kenny?
Kenny?
Ten grand, blind.
Twenty grand, open.
Deep end, eh?
Fold.
Gotcha!
Twenty grand, open.
I fold.
Don't go spending that
all at once, boy.
Bloody 'ell!
What?
I thought you said there'd
be no staff, Barry.
Did you get those guns?
You wanna see
what they did to poor Gary!
Gary, Gary.
I said, did you get those guns?
Yes, we got them!
Good. I'll speak to you later.
Gary, if you can hear me,
get back in the car now, mate, it's OK.
Barry... Barry!
Fucking, sodding,
shandy-drinking bastard!
Gary !
# "Liar Liar" #
by The Castaways
# Liar liar, pants on fire
# Your nose is longer
than a telephone wire
# Ask me, baby, why I'm sad
# Been out all night
Know you've been bad
# Don't tell me different
I know it's a lie
# Come to me, honey
See how I cry
# Why must you hurt me?
Do what you do?
# Listen here, girl
Can't you see I love you?
# Make a little effort
Try to be true
# I will be happy
Not so blue
# Liar liar, pants on fire
# Your nose is longer
than a telephone wire
# You keep on
telling me those lies
# Still going out
with other guys ##
Give me my money!
Give me back my money!
You fucking slags!
Give me my money !
Give me back my money!
Give it back!
Wankers! Wankers!
Come on, you. Not now, please.
Not now, oh you fucking bastard!
Fuck...you bastard.
Oh, my good God!
We'll take you to the cleaners!
Twenty grand open.
Thirty thousand.
Back to you already, Eddie.
Fifty grand.
Eighty grand.
One hundred grand.
Whoa, whoa whoa.
Look, fellas, I know...
I know you're not in,
which means no one cares
what you know.
Two hundred and fifty.
That's quite a raise.
That's one hundred and fifty
on my one hundred.
Yeah, and is there anything else
you want to say?
As you know, this puts us
in an awkward position.
I don't have enough
to continue.
We will have to see both your cards
if no one loans Eddie the money to continue.
It's a loan
or we see both your cards.
I will.
You will what?
I will loan you the money.
No, I think I'd rather
just turn 'em over.
I'm not interested
in what you would rather.
I wanna keep going.
I'm also offering you the money.
So we don't have to turn 'em over
because you can borrow.
I need two hundred
and fifty grand.
No, you need five hundred
grand to see me.
That's if I wanna see you.
Well, you're gonna have a problem
carrying on, ain't ya?
I'll see you.
OK, before I loan you this,
I expect -
- if you lose, of course -
my money back within a week.
Crystal? That's Sunday, OK?
Is that it?
Now let's see his fucking cards.
# "l Wanna Be Your Dog" #
by The Stooges
# So messed up I want you here
# ln my room I want you here
# Now we're gonna be
face to face
# And I'll lay right down
in my favourite place
# And now I wanna be your dog
# And now I wanna be your dog
# And now I wanna be your dog #
# Well, come on! ##
Hello, boy.
Feeling a bit poorly?
I know your friends
are responsible
for most of the cash...
so I'm gonna give you
one week to find it.
Otherwise I will take a finger
of each of you
and your friends' hands
for every day that passes
without payment.
And then when you've
run out of digits -
your dad's bar,
and who knows what then.
All right, my son?
# "Why Did You Do lt?" #
by Stretch
# I've been thinking
about what you have done to me
# The damage is much deeper
than you'll ever see
# Hit me like a hammer
to my head ##
This doesn't look good.
'He then proceeded to explain the unfortunate
position they were in.'
'Harry was going to start sizing up
all their fingers in a week.
'Because he knew there was no way Ed
could settle that debt on his own.'
'Harry saw it
as their money on the table,'
'so it was also their debt
off the table.'
'Ed would hate to admit it, but he could've
kissed the old bastard for that.'
'lf he said he wanted
to settle the debt on his own,'
'it would have been a lie.'
I wish to Christ he would've
let me settle the debt on my own.
- I'm gonna kill him!
- Stop fucking about, Tom.
Now think about what
we're gonna do. Now sit down.
What's all the fuss
about Harry?
Why don't we just
boycott the payment?
Let me tell you
about Hatchet Harry.
Once was this geezer, called Smithy
Robinson, who worked for Harry.
But it was rumoured
that he was on the take.
Harry's invited Smithy round
for an explanation.
Smithy didn't
do a very good job.
Within a minute...
Harry's lost his rag.
Reached out for the nearest
thing at hand -
which happened to be
a 15-inch black rubber cock.
He's then proceeded to batter
poor Smithy to death with it.
Now that was seen as
a pleasant way to go.
Hence Hatchet Harry
is a man you pay if you owe.
Don't worry,
I'll think of something.
# I've been thinking
about what you have done to me
# lmages much deeper
than you'll ever see
# Hit me like
a hammer to my head
# I wonder were you pushed
or were you led?
# Why did you do it?
# Why did you do
that thing to me? ##
Golf - the best way
to spoil a good walk.
Winston Churchill said that.
I say it's a dog-eat-dog world.
And I got
bigger teeth than you two.
I think our friend is trying
to tell us something.
Perhaps not. Perhaps I should take
another swing just to make sure?
Give me a five iron, John.
Certainly, Dog.
Now, keep still.
Yes, Gordon, is there something
you'd like to tell us?
- It's in the fireplace.
- Shut it, you idiot, he'll kill...
Yes, Gordon, you were saying?
It's in the fireplace.
Just pull it out. It's in the bottom.
It's in the fireplace, Frank.
Just pull it out.
It's in the bottom.
Oh, Dog, I think you might wanna
have a look at this!
You gonna let me down now?
No, I'm not
finished with you yet.
Steel.
Help! Help!
Oh, Dog.
Who the hell's that?
It's only 12 o'clock.
Use the cage,
that's what it's there for.
Who is it?
We have got security
for a reason, Willie.
Chill, Winston. It's only Plank.
This weed's getting quite a rep,
you know, fellas, all right ?
Easy.
Jesus!
Never saw you there.
Hello, love,
enjoying yourself?
Is she compos?
What do you think?
Boo!
Fuck me!
Clean that up, Charles.
Sod you, you clean it up.
Sorry, fellas, but that stupid cow
scared the fucking life out of me!
Never mind. Can you just
sit down, stay out the way?
Look, how much is it you want?
I'm...after an half weight.
Right. Well, that's 1,500 then.
Pass the scales, Willie.
Give us some gear, J.
Any chance of actually
seeing the...money?
The odds are 100-1.
All is we need is five grand.
I'd rather put my money
on a three-legged rockin' horse.
The odds are 100-1 for a good
reason, Bacon - it won't win!
- Where's Eddie?
- Where do you think?
The bottom of a bottle,
and has been for two days.
- It's hit him hard.
- Yeah, it's hit us all hard!
Yeah, but he's got to tell his dad
he's about to lose his bar.
Listen to this one.
You open up a company, called
"Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club"
- You what?
- You take out an advert in the back
page of some gay mag,
advertising the latest
in arse-intruding dildos.
You sell it with...I dunno....
"Does what no other
dildo can do until now"
"The latest and greatest
in sexual technology"
"Guaranteed results or money back",
all that bollocks."
Now, these dilds cost 25 quid a pop -
that's a snip for the amount of pleasure
they're gonna give the recipients.
They send their cheques
to the other company name.
Nothing offensive, "Bobby's Bits"
or something, for 25 quid.
You take that 25 quid,
you stick it in the bank until it clears.
Now this is the smart bit.
You send back the cheque
for 25 pound
from the other company name -
"Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club" -
saying "We're sorry,"
we couldn't get the supplies from
America - because they ran out of stock.
Now you see, how many people
cash that cheque.
Not a single soul.
Because who wants their bank manager
to know they tickle arse when he is
not paying in cheques!
So how long do you have to wait
till you see a return?
Probably
no more than four weeks.
A month ? So what fucking good is that
if we need it in six - no, five days?
Well, it's still a good idea.
He may know we smoke a lot, burn a bit
of profit, but he can't have any idea
how much hard currency
we've accumulated.
I don't know. Do you know?
We can just...slice it
off the top.
You guys have got
to realise who this chap is.
He might look a bit silly,
but he's a fucking lunatic.
If he gets the slightest inkling we're not
throwing straight dice,
you and me are gonna know
what the sharp side
of a kebab knife feels like.
So you know these geezers well?
Well enough -
I've been buying gear off one
of 'em for a coupla years.
- So what they like, then?
- Poofs! Nothing heavy.
Four public school boys,
soft as shite.
They ponce around in funny hippy clothes
all day talking bollocks
they're just good at growing weed, that's all.
Business has got bigger
than what they could handle.
They can't all be stupid, can they ?
Think about it, they got a container
load of cash in shoe boxes,
they're selling class A gear -
can't you figure out
there's someone sensible involved ?
What about security?
There's one steel gate as you go in,
but they never lock it.
What d'you mean they never lock it?
Why've they got it for there, then?
I must've been there 50 times -
it's never locked.
They're not suspicious. Everyone
that goes there's a toff.
They're all into that karma crap -
"If l don't harm nobody,
nobody harms me" stuff.
No way they can get back to you?
Even if they could, they'd be too shit scared -
I'm a geezer.
They got no muscle - gutless faggots.
Fancy one?
What's all the flapping about?
You told the old man yet?
Hoping I won't need to.
I've got a plan.
Now listen carefully.
- Hello, boys.
- Harry.
Do you want a drink?
Hello, my son.
D'you want a lolly?
Piss off, you nonce.
Oi, watch it!
No, thanks, Harry.
We're both all right.
Nice shooter.
Yeah, one of a pair -
Holland and Holland.
D'you wanna hold it?
No, not my thing, thanks, Harry.
Business good?
I imagine that's why I'm here.
Four young fellas got in deeper
than they could handle.
They owe me
half a million pound.
- How much?
- Half a million.
I'm game.
Me too.
Oh, God!
Right. We hit 'em
as soon as they come back.
We'll be prepared. Waiting.
And they're armed.
What was that? Armed?
What d'you mean armed?
Armed with what?
Bad breath, colourful language,
feather duster?
What do you think
they're gonna be armed with?
Guns, you tit!
Guns ?
You never said
anything about guns.
A minute ago this was
the safest job in the world.
Now it's turning into
a bad day in Bosnia!
Soap, stop being such a mincer.
- I've thought about that and...
- And what exactly?
And... all we have to do is find out
who's carrying 'em.
Carying them ?
Well, they could all be carrying 'em
for what we know.
No. Only one of 'em carries
them going to the job.
So I assume the same one will be carry 'em
when they come back from the job.
Oh - you assume, dear?
And what did I say about assumption -
being the brother of all fuck-ups?
It's the mother of all fuck-ups,
you stupid!
Well, brother, mother,
any other sucker.
It don't make any difference.
They're still fucking guns and
they still fire fucking bullets!
Soap, if you have a better idea
how to get 500,000
in the next few days,
let us know.
In the meantime, Tom,
you talk to Nick the Bubble
about shifting the weed.
- Weed?
- No, it's not normal weed.
It's some fucked-up skunk, Class A,
"l can't think
let alone move" shit.
Doesn't sound
very good to me.
Oh, neither me - it depends
what flicks your switch.
And the light is on and burning
brightly for the masses.
Anyway, do you know anyone?
I know a man, yes.
Rory Breaker.
Not that madman with an afro?
I don't want anything
to do with him.
You won't have to.
Just get me a sample.
No can do.
What's that -
a place near Kathmandu?
Meet me half-way, mate.
It's all completely
chicken soup.
- It's what?
- It's kosher...as Christmas.
Jews don't
celebrate Christmas, Tom.
No, I never mind that.
I'm gonna need some artillery, too.
Coupla sawn-off shotguns.
This is a bit heavy. This is London,
not the Lebanon.
Who d'you think I am?
I think you're Nick the Greek.
Hold those two.
I don't normally have
anything to do with weed, Nick.
But if it is
what he says it is,
I'll take it off him for
three and a half grand a key.
That is if it is what he says it is.
I don't want to see it
after a sample,
I don't want to touch it
after a sample.
I'll leave you in the capable
hands of Nathan here.
He'll sort out the details.
But just let me tell you
one thing...
If the milk turns out
to be sour,
I ain't the kind
of pussy to drink it.
D'you know what I mean?
- Rory Breaker.
- Rory ?
You don't know Rory. He's not
to be underestimated.
He's a funny-looking
fucker, I know.
But you've got to look past the hair
and the cute cuddly thing.
It's all a deceptive faade.
A few nights ago
Rory's roger iron busted.
So he's gone down the battle cruiser
to watch the end of the football game.
No one's watching the custard,
so he switches the channel over.
A fat geezer's north opens.
And he wanders up
and turns the lizar over.
"Now fuck off and watch it
somewhere else."
Rory knows claret is imminent,
but he doesn't want to miss
the end of the game.
So calm as a coma, picks up
the fire extinguisher,
walks straight past the jam rolls
who were ready for action
and plonks it outside
the entrance.
He then orders an aristotle
of the most ping-pong tiddly
in the nuclear sub
and switches back to his footer.
"That's fucking it,"
says the geezer.
"That's fucking what?"
says Rory.
And he gobs out a mouthful of booze,
covering Fatty.
He flicks a flaming match
into his bird's nest
and the geezer's lit up
like a leaking gas pipe.
Rory, unfazed,
turns back to his game.
His team's won, too. Four nil.
Oi! ls your hair supposed
to look like that?
- All right, short stuff.
- Never mind short stuff.
Listen, the next time we do a job like this
we're gonna want more money, Barry.
Or we're going back
to post offices and cars. Fuck that!
Where's the others?
There was no others.
Stop fucking around.
The others - the old ones.
I don't know what you mean.
There were two old guns there.
Where are they now?
Not in the cabinet, there wasn't.
Oh, there was a couple of old hammer-lock
muskets the butler was carrying.
- But they were ours. We sold them.
- Well you better un-sell 'em, sharpish !
We had to sell them.
We needed the money.
I am not fucking interested.
If you don't wanna be counting
the fingers you haven't got,
I suggest you get those guns.
Quick!
Jesus! lf I pick 'em up,
will they stay in one piece?
Where'd you get them?
I got contacts. Listen, Tom -
you point them at me, I'll shit
myself or do whatever you say to do.
Either way you get
the desired effect.
Oh, they look very nice, I agree, but -
well, they're lacking in criminal
credibility, ain't they?
I might get laughed at.
How much d'you want
for these muskets?
And what's that - a pound for every year
they been about?
I know they're antiques, but I ain't
paying antique prices.
They're a bit long, ain't they?
Sawn-offs are out.
People want a bit
more range these days.
Range ? I don't wanna blow the arse
out of this country grounded,
but I don't want anyone
blowing a raspberry either.
I want to look...fucking mean.
Of course you'll look mean.
You'll look really scary.
Enough about that. What about
this geezer who sells drugs?
Rory Breaker's standing by.
You stand to make a lot
of money, tubby Tommy?
I understand if this has come
as a bit of a shock.
But let me tell you
how this can be resolved
by you, the good father.
Go on.
- He likes your bar.
- Yes.
He wants your bar.
And?
D'you want me
to draw you a picture?
Look, that boy doesn't know
his arsehole from his earhole.
This is my bar. It's got
nothing to do with him.
What, and I care?
Remember, you do have
the luxurious advantage
of being able to sustain
your son's life.
And you do have a reputation -
so I'll choose my words
very carefully.
You tell Harry
to go fuck himself.
Now...
I'll put that down to shock.
Only once.
Only once can l, or shall l,
let you get away with that.
Your son's got three days
to find half a mill.
But make up your mind
which you prefer -
your bar...or your son.
Plank goes in first.
There's a cage, but it's never
locked, is it, Plank?
- Never.
- You don't wanna be ....
All right, once he's got himself set,
he gets the rest of us in.
Now we'll get nasty with a couple of'em,
shit 'em up, ok, or whatever.
Now these wankers shouldn't
give us any problems.
Like any cowboys - there'll
be a few tools lying around.
When the job's done, we come
straight back here and unload.
And Robert's
your father's brother.
Everyone savvy?
Sweet.
Have a look at these.
And what are we supposed
to do with these?
Put them on your head, stupid.
Christ!
If you think I'm gonna
turn up there clean-shaven,
and greet them with a grin on my face,
you've got another think coming.
Now these fellas - they're your neighbours.
I thought it might be a good
idea to disguise ourselves a little.
Right...er, yeah, good thinking,
Soap. Well done.
I brought weapons as well.
Weapons?
What do you mean weapons?
These.
Jesus!
Let's keep 'em covered up.
Couldn't you get
anything a bit bigger?
What, like that?
What d'you think?
I think you need help.
Bar steward, can we have
a coupla drinks, please.
Have you seen your dad?
Hatchet sent
one of his men round.
Oh, shit. When?
Crazy.
Where'd you get these,
a fucking museum?
Nick the Greek.
How much did you part with?
Drachmas, I hope.
I'd feel safer
with a chicken drumstick.
These are gonna do
more harm than good.
Jesus, Tom. Do these work?
I don't know. Look nice though, don't they ?
I rather like 'em.
Oh, that's top of the list of priorities,
is that it?
Ladies, back to more important
issues, if you don't mind.
We've only got two real guns -
apparently that's what they are.
So we find a good place
to hide next door.
We wait till it sounds out the right
time, then we, jack-in-the-box,
Iook nasty and stuff, cocoon 'em
in gaffer tape, nick their van,
swap the gear into the new van
and bring it all back here.
As long as we're all out
of our hiding places quickly,
it's the last thing
they're gonna expect.
Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter
feels like giving 'em a bit of a kicking,
I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Yeah, little bit of pain
never hurt anybody.
If you know what I mean.
Also, I think knives
are a good idea.
Big, fuck-off shiny ones.
Ones that look like
they could skin a crocodile.
Knives are good because
they don't make any noise.
And the less noise they make, the
more likely we are to use 'em.
Shit 'em right up.
Makes it look
like we're serious.
Guns for show,
knives for a pro.
Soap, is there something
we should know about you?
I'm not sure what's more
worrying, the job or your past?
Come on, girls.
Where the fuck are they going?
Shift a piano?
I thought this was meant
to be a robbery.
Where'd they get those outfits?
Not a bad idea that.
All right, it's Plank.
Is Willie there?
No, I'm afraid he's not.
He's out at the moment.
Perhaps you can help.
Perhaps I can't, Plank,
if you know what I mean.
Look, if you could just open the door so
I could talk without shouting.
I can't help you, Plank.
I think you'll find
it's in your interest.
Hold on, OK?
Look, Willie, it's Plank outside for you.
He says it's in our interest.
Listen, I don't care if it's
King-fucking-Kong,
he's not coming in here,
not today.
Hold on. We are in business
and...correct me if I'm wrong, but --
that is business.
Corrected. That's a walking
accident that we can do without.
Jesus. He's OK... He knows
only to buy weights now.
We're looking at at least
a couple of thou'.
What do you think, Winston?
Willie, this is
the last time. All right?
But you and the money
are going out the back.
If he knows you're here,
he'll be all day.
And just clear this shit up!
- What, now?
- Yes! Now!
Just get rid of him quick.
All right. Just coming.
What the fuck is he doing?
Come on, I can't wait
out here all day!
All right. Just coming.
I thought you was gonna
leave me out there all day.
I didn't know you were
a removals man, Plank.
Lives and learns, don't ya?
Keep the gates locked now here?
Ya, sorry. Gotta
do business like this now.
Can't be too careful these days.
I know.
Shut it! You say a fucking word, the right ear goes,
another one - and your left!
- What are you doing, Plank?
- What do you think I'm doing?
Hang on, what are you doing?
Unlock the gate!
Oi! I say unlock the fucking gate!
That's it. Go, go, go!
Fucking move!
What the fuck's going on?
Just hang on, I've got the keys.
The gate's locked! I thought they weren't gonna
let the fucking gate locked.
What've you done to Fauntleroy?
I didn't touch him.
He just passed out.
Don't you stand there. Get the fucking door shut!
D'you want the world to see this?
What's going on down there?
Shit!
Charles, get the rifle out.
We're being fucked.
It must be this one.
Hold that gun. Plank, give me the keys.
Give me the keys, Plank.
Don't point that at my bollocks!
Point it in there!
Planks of wood. I'm working
with fucking planks of wood.
Shit !
What the fuck is that?
- What the fuck's that?
- IT'S ME BREN GUN!
Don't you think you could've brought something
a little bit more practical?
Don't none of you slags move.
I'll kill the fucking lot of you!
Who you gonna kill, Plank?
There's no one fuckin' there?
Aaagh! They fucking shot me!
Well, shoot 'em back.
Jesus, Plank! Couldn't you get
smokeless cartidges?
I can't see a bloody thing !
Aaagh! Shit, I've been shot.
I don't fucking believe this.
Could everyone stop getting shot?
John, sit down and patch
yourself up, you tart!
It's a fucking air rifle!
- What the fuck was that?
- Well, that was the bren gun.
You fire that gun again, you're a dead man.
Understand? Dead!
- No ifs, no buts, you're a fucking dead man!
- All right, all right!
I've got bollock ache with this.
Where's my fucking gun?
All right. Now I've got your attention.
Firstly, I'm gonna blow his toes off.
There go his toes.
Now if you want me out of here,
in five minutes flat,
open the fucking gate
'cause I'm gonna blow his leg off!
They're gonna fucking kill us
if we do, man.
Poor J'll certainly get it
if we don't. He's serious.
I'm losing patience.
Hurry up, girls!
It's all right, all fucking right!
Willie, he doesn't know
you're here..., just .....
Sort something out.
And all your friends,
there's a good lad.
- There's only three of us here.
- I don't believe you.
- Fuck, I'm gonna blow his leg off.
- I mean it. There's only three of us!
- Plank?
- Yeah, one of 'em's out.
Now open the gate.
Up, up, up, there's a good lad.
John, get them tied up.
Plank, where's the money?
There, in those shoe-boxes.
- Where?
- Out the back.
- And the weed?
- Out the back.
- Point.
- With what?
- Your fucking hands, now!
- I'm tied up.
Well, nod your head or something!
Check it out.
Plank, get Paul out that van lively.
Knife.
I'm gonna cut him.
Make sure he knows he's dead.
How you doing, Mick?
How d'you think I'm doing?
He's fucking nearly chopped my arm off.
Jesus Christ.
Gordon Bennett.
What the fuck's
been going on here?
Shut up, you idiot.
It's Hanukkah.
Don't just stand there.
Look at the bags, can you fit it all in?
There's a lot...l can't
get Epping Forest in my van.
'Can't'. I don't hear 'can't'.
Bollocks to 'can't'.
You'll fit it all in
if you have to make two trips.
Bollocks!
You got a ticket already. Now if you
don't move it, we will move it for you.
- I'll only be a minute.
- You've already been 15.
- Look, come and have a look.
- At what exactly?
- Well, the van's half full.
- So?
So, all I've got to do
is fill it up, put you in it...
What?
..and I'm off.
Do you think you can carry
more than one bag this time?
- I can't. My neck, Dog.
- How many more bags ?
- Just a couple.
Mick, you dead yet?
I'll be all right. Once I've
dealt with that lanky prick.
Do it quietly.
It's time to say "Goodnight, nurse".
Where the fuck
did she come from?
That is it. Tie her up.
We're out of here.
Not like that,
you idiot. Give it us here.
What you doing, Ed?
D'you want one?
No, I fucking don't.
You cannot make a cup of tea, Edward.
The entire British Empire
was built on cups of tea.
Yeah, and look what happened to that.
And if you think I'm going to war
without one, mate, you're mistaken.
Going to war with what?
Have you forgotten
those guns, you dozy prat?
You won't get away with this.
- Paul, what's that?
- It's a traffic warden.
I can see it's a fuckin' traffic warden,
what's he doing in the back of the van?
He was gonna call the cozzers.
Fair enough -
we'll deal with him later.
How we doing, Tom?
Right as rain.
I'm just gonna take care of the cabs.
Keep us posted.
All right, mate, do you do airports?
Where the hell are we gonna hide?
Don't complicate things.
Just hide.
We're on.
They weigh a pound or two!
Shut up and back up!
Spin round, big boy.
Fuck!
Stay down. Stay down!
Tie 'em up. Tape 'em up.
Hands and face.
On the floor!
Bend over the fucking desk.
Keys. I want keys, now.
I'll find ya.
'Course you will, sweetheart.
I'll find ya.
What d'you think this is?
Fucking hide-and-seek?
That one. Search that one.
Right, I'll see you in the van,
when you've finished with handsome here.
Jesus. That wasn't
too bad, was it?
When the bottle in my arse has
contracted, I'll let you know.
Bacon, see what we've got.
Let's have a butchers, ey?
We've hit the jackpot, lads.
We've got God knows how much
of this stinking weed.
A shitload of cash.
And a traffic warden.
What?
Jesus, Ed.
We got a traffic warden.
I think he's still alive.
He's got claret
coming out of him somewhere.
What did they want
with a traffic warden?
I don't know.
I don't think we need him.
Knock him out and dump him
at the lights.
Knock him out? What d'you mean,
knock him out? Knock him out with what?
I don't know! Use your imagination.
Don't touch him up.
Knock him out.
I'll knock you out in a minute!
Look, you wanna knock him out,
you knock him out.
I fucking hate traffic wardens.
It's about time you gave my
young friends a visit, Chris.
Tomorrow's the day
and mum's the word.
Now I can't have that,
can l, Baz?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean it's a liberty.
And I can't have a liberty taken,
can l, Chris?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean, it's enough
to give me the arsehole.
And I can't have the arsehole,
can l, boys?
No, Harry, you can't.
All right, that's it.
We're done.
We're off.
Here, Ed, are you sure it's a good
idea taking this back to yours?
Why, it's the only place we can take it,
and the last place they're gonna look.
Anyway, fuck it. The battle
is over and the war is won.
Now, Tom, you take this to Nick the
Bubble and we get rid of it quick.
This skunk
is as good as it gets.
All right.
We'll take it. Half price.
I don't think he'll like that.
And you said three five a key.
And... and you know that's a good price.
That was yesterday I said three and a half.
And now it's today
if I'm not mistaken.
We'll take it tomorrow.
Half price.
If he wants to get rid of it
quick, he'll have to take it.
Now look, I've got a race coming up in a minute,
so if you'd just be kind enough to...
Lenny,
take that round to Snow White
and the three little chemists.
They should have
a gander of that.
I want a second opinion.
Hang on a minute, Nathan,
something stinks.
Yeah, your fucking aftershave.
Fuck you, funny man.
For God's sake, help me.
I'm in pain.
I'm in so much pain, Jesus!
Go in slowly, Nathan.
Fuck you, funny man.
You go first.
Just get the fuck in there, will you ?
I want this house searched for bugs,
I mean I want it stripped.
Where is the poin in that ?
Even if there was a bug,
they'd have taken it with 'em.
It's a bit late
for you to start thinking, John.
If it's a possibility,
that's good enough for me.
I want you to strip this place.
I want every slag this side of Ceylon
pulled in.
And tortured...badly.
I want to know
who's responsible for this,
otherwise I'm gonna hold
you all responsible.
Not a bad day.
That pile takes care of Harry.
What's left over?
Give me half a chance
to count it.
What about this gear, then, ey?
Oh, what, you want
a toke on that?
No. I don't think I want any
of that horrible shit.
Can we lock up
and get drunk now, please?
We shot one of them...
in the...er, throat.
What d'you want, a medal?
I'll shoot you in the fuckin throat
if I don't get my ganja back.
The one you shot.
Is he still in there now?
No, it was another one.
That's more like it.
Where is he?
Well, they...they
took him with them.
He's still, still alive.
What did you shoot him with?
An air gun?
Look, we grow weed.
We're not mercenaries.
You don't say.
Who could it be?
Where do we start, Rory?
Mr Breaker.
Today my name is Mr Breaker.
You think this
is a coincidence?
This white shite
steals my things
and thinks that he can
sell it back to me!
He's got less brains
than you, Lenny!
Get Nick - the greasy wop
shistos pezavengy gammore
Greek bastard round here now,
if he's still stupid enough
to be on this planet.
# Come with me,
I'll fill you with desire
# Take my hand and we'll walk
this land together ##
Your stupidity might be
your one saving grace.
Uuh?
Don't uuh me, Greek boy.
How is it your fucking stupid,
soon-to-be-dead friends
thought that they might be able
to steal my cannabis
and then sell it back to me?
Is this a declaration of war?
Is this some white cunt's joke
that black cunts don't get?
'Cause I'm not fucking laughing,
Ni-ko-las!
I know you couldn't
have known my position,
'cause you're not that stupid
that if you did,
you wouldn't have turned up here
scratching your arse,
with that "what's going on here" look
slapped all over your Chevy Chase.
But what you do know
is where these people live.
If you hold back anything,
I'll kill you.
If you bend the truth, or I think
you are bending the truth, I'll kill you.
If you forget anything,
I'll kill you.
In fact, you're gonna have to work
very hard to stay alive, Nick.
Now do you understand
everything I've said?
Because if you don't,
I'll kill you.
Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak...
you may enlighten me.
So we've got a bit
of a problem, don't we?
Er, well...yeah, yeah, we do.
Yea, yeah, we do. In fact, this is a little bit more
than looking a bit of a problem, isn't it ?
On the scale of things, you could say it's the
Mount fucking Everest of problems!
And the reason it's such a
mon-fucking-struosity of a problem is...
you don't have the first idea
who did this to us, have you?
Dog, we've... we've been up all night.
It's no one from round here.
We've had 'em all lined up
against the wall.
If it was a toerag
from round the manor, we'd know.
- We'd know.
- You'd know? You'd fucking know?
You wouldn't know if it was
the next door fucking neighbours!
Now get out there and find them!
I'm sick of the fucking sight of you!
Get out of the fucking sight!
You look shit!
"Scarface" -
I've watched "Scarface".
If you want to know how to do
a drug deal, you watch "Scarface".
That really inspires confidence.
- This guy, Rory Breaker...
- Rory Breaker ?
The psychotic black dwarf with an afro?
That'll be the same man, yes.
I've heard of him -
he's a fucking lunatic.
Well, he can afford to do the deal
at the price we're selling.
It's not worth him
giving us any trouble.
Cause he knows we'll be a pain
in the arse. And who needs a pain in the arse?
I'd take a pain in the arse
for half a million quid.
You'd take a pain
in the arse for air miles.
Tom, the fatter you get,
the sadder you get.
Will you two stop flirting
for a minute?
After we pay Hatchet,
this deal puts us up...
nearly 200,000 pounds each.
That's not bad for a morning's work,
I think you'll agree.
So they had the cash.
And the puff.
Cheeky bastards. Count it.
Shit, Dog. There's a lot.
Do you want to do it next door?
We're not going next door
'til we've flayed
them dead men walking.
We'll count it upstairs.
I don't want them to see you
fingering the money when
they walk through the door...
Dog, look...
Give it us here...dozy bastard.
Check your guns.
Get yourselves well hid.
You wait till they get right inside
the door, then you give it to'em.
Give me them shooters,
you can use your own.
Yeah.
That's no way
to answer the phone.
Is that you, Dean?
No, it's Lord fucking Lucan.
Who do you think it is?
What can I do for you?
You know those guns I sold you,
I need them back.
Not likely I'm afraid. I don't think
I'll be seeing them again.
Look, I've got the money
to pay for them.
I'm sure you do.
But don't think you understand.
I ain't gonna be seeing them
or the guns again.
We can't get them.
If we can't get them,
we can't get them.
Well, you'll have to fucking get them.
We made a fucking deal for
everything inside the cabinet.
Inside, out-fucking-side -
I don't give a shit.
- You get those guns because if you don't...
- Oh yeah, Bazza, or what ?
Have you heard
of Harry Lonsdale?
Otherwise known as "Hack You
Up With an Hatchet Harry"?
Well, this is...
James Bond, need-to-know time.
When you dance with the devil,
you wait for the song to stop.
Know what I mean?
I mean find 'em,
torture 'em and kill 'em.
And bring back
what belongs to me.
Because if you don't,
your family's bang in trouble.
Who was that?
That was Harry Horrible Hatchet.
Jesus, I've heard of him.
Shit, they were
his fucking guns we sold.
We've got to find them.
Now no fucking about now, Nick.
Where can I find those guns?
Six black cocks
and a little white kitten
sitting on the side
of the road.
We're gonna do
a proper decoration job.
I want the grey skies
of London illuminated.
I want that house painted red.
All right, there's this brass
standing on the corner, right?
Dwarf walks up to her
carrying a suitcase...
Winston there
is gonna come along
and see if he recognises
any of them.
Now watch out for these fellas -
they've got a bit of an arsenal
and they don't mind using it.
...and I'm taking down her panties...
Now does everyone here know
what they got to do?
Yeah.
What the fuck is going on?
You got something here
for me, have you?
Come on, chop-chop.
Thank you very much.
- He's got the guns.Go ahead you get them.
- Why me?
You're supposed
to be the hard case...
You go get the guns!
I drive the car!
Good boy.
- Go get the fucking guns.
- I'm not going get the fucking guns!
YOU get the fucking guns!
You fucking big...
All right. Wrap them guns up.
Count the money.
Put your seat belt on.
Fucking guns, we've got to get the fucking
guns or we're dead!
..so I made sure I fucked
the one that was coughing.
Out of the car, you yuppy fucker!
Aaaaaaaagh !
He's the one
we shot in the neck.
Is that right, Mr Botanical?
Jesus!
I don't believe this.
What the fuck has happened here?
Jesus.
The money. The gear.
This is fucked.
No money. No weed.
It's all been replaced
by a pile of corpses.
All right. Don't panic.
Let's think about this.
No, fuck that,
you can think about it.
I'm panicking and I'm off.
How did you get your hands
on these, then?
The boys had 'em.
I know you like
these sort of things -
wondered if you wanted 'em.
Yeah, I'll have 'em.
- Was it hard getting the money?
- Not especially.
Upset a few characters, though.
Have you counted it?
Yeah, it's all there,
to the pound.
- And they were gonna pay?
- Looks like it.
But who knows?
The opportunity was there.
In my experience it's best
to take that opportunity -
if it's there.
Good work, Chris.
We've got to get those guns.
This is dangerous shit there.
We don't even know who lives there.
Listen, I don't care who lives there!
All's I know is that it's preferable
to death by Hatchet.
Fair enough. Let's go.
I don't think
it's the right move.
It's either that
the old boy's place
and we lose a digit daily.
- I'm gonna phone him.
- As if he'll care.
He'll care, all right? That was
supposed to be his money.
Whether he cares about us
or not, is different.
Pass me the phone.
Yeah? That you, boy?
It's Ed,
if that's what you mean.
'Pay day, ain't it?'
Yeah...l wanted
to talk to you about that.
I'll bet you do.
I got half
a million nicker sitting here,
which means
some poor sod doesn't.
You've been upsetin' a few people, boy.
But that really
isn't my concern, is it?
What does concern me...
is the guns you had.
'l want to talk to you
about that.'
So get your arse over here now.
And I do mean now!
Bastard! You fucking bastard!
What the fuck
are you doing here?
What the fuck
are you doing here?
Job well done. We made
a few quid out of that one.
Son...?
Made a few quid, did you?
Where's what I want, now?
You all right down there, mate?
Very fucking funny.
Where's what I want?
I've just left it in the office.
Well, we'd better go to the office and get it,
that is if you want
your son to see his next birthday.
- Now chop-fucking-chop.
- All right. Fair enough.
Where you going?
It's a thirty second drive
or a five minute walk.
I couldn't have parked outside,
I'd have got a ticket.
I suppose that don't
matter now, does it?
Just be careful.
Right.
You and me.
You and who?
You know where
the door handle is, Tom.
# "The Payback" #
by James Brown
# Pay back
# That's it, pay back.
# Revenge, I'm mad
# Get down with my girlfriend
# That ain't right ##
Oh, no. Not again.
That's it. I'm off.
Tom...that is our bag.
- Ed...!
- Hold on.
This is our bag.
That's it. We're off.
- I'll see you in the car. I'm gonna take these guns.
- Tom, don't fuck about!
- I'll see you in the car.
- Tom !
- It'll only take a minute.
What is going on?
I don't know, but what I do know
is there's no more Harry.
Which means
there's no more debt.
And if there's no more debt,
there's no more problem.
And there's no problem with the
neighbours - because they're all dead.
And I think,
if I get this right,
we haven't done anything wrong
and we're in the clear.
Never ever...
has anyone
been as fucking rude...
..to me...
...as you, YOU... FUCKING... BASTARD!
You all right, mate?
Cheeky bastard!
'Now this was an embarrassing
position for Tom to be in.
'But Chris had to respect
the fact that he was holding
'what appeared to be
a pair of loaded shotguns.
'And Tom had to respect the fact
that they were not loaded.
'So without anybody
losing too much face,
'Tom left through a side door
and Chris left with the money.
'And everybody else got arrested.'
He's not one of 'em.
# Sitting in the cheap seats
underneath the stars
# I'm heading back to base
# I'll drop you off
at mars ##
I think your dad would like
a word with you, Ed.
Where are the others?
They got out yesterday.
They're back at the bar.
# I'm a man machine
# Takin' gasoline
# Super-human being ##
All right, Dad?
I'm all right.
How about yourself?
I'm all right.
Could do with a drink, though.
All in good time. All in good time.
So, are you in the clear?
More importantly...am l?
It appears so.
Appears? You'll have to do
better than fucking appears, my friend.
Well, everybody's dead, Dad.
I think that's about as clear
as it can get.
How about that drink?
You know where the bar is.
Eh?
Don't make yourself
too comfortable.
Alan's got to sit there.
Alan!
You're lucky
you're still breathing,
Iet alone able to walk.
I suggest you take
full advantage of that fact.
# 'Cause I'm a man machine
# Takin' gasoline
# I'm a teen dream
# Super-human being
# I'm a man machine
# I'm a man machine ! ##
You took your time.
Where the hell have you been?
Sit down. I'll tell you.
The traffic warden identified
the neighbours' bodies.
Which sort of
puts us in the clear.
The only thing connecting us
with the case...
..is those shotguns.
And Tom took care of them.
You did take care of the shotguns,
didn't you, Tom?
I wanted to talk to you about that.
Well, talk.
Well, actually...no.
I've got them sittin' in the car,
I.. I was gonna sell 'em back to Nick the Greek,
but I am having a bit of a problem
gettin' hold of him.
You dippy bastard.
So...the only thing
connecting us with the case
is in the back of your car,
which is parked outside!
They costed 700 quid.
I'm not gonna throw 'em away.
And they're hardly likely to trace
'em back to us, are they?
Do you really think it's worth taking the
the risk for 700?
Tom, you're a dick!
Now you take those guns
and you throw 'em off a bridge.
And throw yourself off while you're at it.
Now.... Tom.
- Look, all I'm...
- Now, Tom !
Can I have a beer, please, Dad?
I'm busy. Get it yourself.
It seemed Hatchet
underestimated you lot.
And it seems to have cost him.
I ain't gonna make
the same mistake now, am l?
So I've decided
to bring your bag back.
I think the word you're looking
for, gentlemen, is "thank you".
Thank you.
Now you've presented me
with a problem.
I've lost my employer.
So I've taken care
of meself and me son.
Now if you think that's unfair,
you come and pay me a little visit.
But you better be
waving a white flag,
high and clear
so as I can see it.
Or it'll be the last little visit
you ever make.
You understand ?
That's all I've come to say.
There is one more thing...
It's been emotional.
# "Fool's Gold" #
by The Stone Roses
# The gold road's
sure a long road
# Winds on through the hills
for fifteen days ##
We are now officially in
the money-lending business, all right, son?
Put your seatbelt on.
We're out of here.
It's empty.
# The pack on my back is aching
# The strap seems
to cut me like a knife
# I'm no clown
I won't back down
# I don't need you
to tell me what's going down...
What's his number?
Don't! Don't! You'll jam the line!
I'll call him!
My fucking batteries!
- No, you muppet!
- Give me the phone! Give me the fucking phone!
- I'll dial it!
- Tell me the number!
- Now give me your phone!
- You'll break it!
- You give me the phone!
- You'll break it and it'll be fucked!
You shut it. It's fucking ringing!
# "Oh Girl" #
by Mauro Pawloski
# I'm eighteen with a bullet
# Got my finger on the trigger
# I'm gonna pull it
# I've picked a clip now
I'm the son of a gun
# So hold it right there,
Little girl, little girl
# We're gonna have big fun
# I may be an oldie
# But I'm a goodie, too
# I'll last forever
# And I'll be good to you
Oh, yes, I will...