Locus Of Control (2018) Movie Script
1
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Don't build it up.
Andrew, you're next.
Next up we have someone you might
not know but after this you will.
Please welcome to the stage, Andrew Egan.
I got a letter from social welfare.
Think they want me to
do one of those courses.
Just tell them you have
interviews lined up.
Can I use your Dad's business?
Yeah he said you should stop doing that
Plus it might look suspicious if you keep getting
interviews in the same place but don't get a job.
Those courses are so fucking depressing.
Maybe your Dad could give me a real job?
He said theres barely a
reason for me to be there so...
You going to the open mic on Monday?
Yeah I guess
Did you wash your hands?
Yeah
Andrew Egan
OK Andrew did you fill out the form?
Actually I filled this out
the last time I was here.
We don't have any record of that.
Then why did I fill it out before?
Could you just...
Yeah, sure.
OK Andrew, have you been looking for work?
Mmhm, yeah
And you haven't been able to find anything?
No.
Do you have any qualifications?
I've got a degree.
Arts.
You've written here that
you're a stand-up comedian.
Have you been able to
find any work in that?
Well, its ongoing you know.
I have a couple of gigs lined up and
hopefully that will lead to more work.
OK.
You haven't seen any course that would
be of benefit to you in that line?
Like clown college?
No, I'm sorry.
I can't see any courses in that.
Ah! I have a part time job availability
for next week as a replacement teacher.
Do you have any transport? A car maybe?
No.
That's OK its here in town.
I'm sorry?
Its just for the duration
of the course which is...
...Yeah its just I'm not really a teacher.
You're more than qualified.
You'd be teaching a small class to help with
relevant skills to reenter the workplace.
Do I have to?
Is there any reason why you can't?
No.
[PULSATING SYNTH MUSIC]
"Going down."
"You are pressing too many floor buttons."
"Please press only the
floor button required."
"This elevator is full.
Please take the next elevator."
"Good morning."
"You have three new voice messages."
"Received today at 09:01 hours."
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Oh its the answer thingy."
"Andrew, its your mother."
"We haven't seen you in a while and I was just wondering
if you're still coming to your fathers birthday?"
"We're not having a big
do. I know you're busy."
"We'll have some dinner.
It'd be nice to see you."
"Oh come here till I tell
you, do you know who's dead?"
"You have one new voice message
received at 10:14 hours."
"Hey Andrew its Leah."
"Just wondering if you could maybe drop over
the last of my stuff at your parents house?"
"I'll be passing through
on Wednesday and..."
"I just..."
"After all that happened... it
just might be easier this way."
"For now anyway."
"Maybe we can talk another time."
"Thanks."
"Bye."
"To listen to your message again press one"
"To save it and move on press..."
"...message deleted."
[EERIE MUSIC]
Excuse me.
Hello. I was just wondering
where the classes are?
[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
Where are you going?
My name is Andrew. I'm supposed
to be teaching here today.
Stay where you are.
[MUFFLED THUD FROM CEILING]
[CAMERA MECHANISM FOCUSING]
[CAMERA TAKES A PICTURE]
Andrew was it?
Yes, Andrew Egan. Sorry I'm late, had a
little bit of trouble finding the building.
Not a problem.
These are the tests that were supposed
to be completed last week before...
...Well you're here now
and that's all that matters.
Tests?
Personality tests. Tick the boxes.
I'm sure you've seen them before.
Sure.
And after the tests?
Its all in the folder.
Actually I didn't get a folder
Nevertheless, its pretty straight forward
It'll them them on the
tests how to mark them.
They each mark their own and after that you just talk to
them about positive outlook... self esteem... the usual
I don't really have a...
...Listen, I'm going to head off.
You're looking for room two
its upstairs you can't miss it.
Room three is mine.
And like I said.
Don't worry, it'll be fine.
You don't happen to have a
fiver I could borrow do you?
I've got a four and a six.
Six is grand.
I still don't know what to say.
It doesn't matter.
They're not going to listen.
[DARK, DREAMY AMBIENT MUSIC]
There's fifteen names here. Is
there still more people to come?
Does anyone know where they are?
This is nonsense.
Sorry?
We're all just pushed in to this
to get us off the live register.
Now they send us someone else who knows even
less about whats going on than the last one
I'm spending twenty euro a day
on petrol money to get here...
...on top of mortgage repayments and
kids uniforms. How is this helping us?
Em... Whats your name?
Tony.
Well Tony look, how about we start just by telling each
other our names and maybe a little bit about ourselves.
OK.
I'll go first. My name is Andrew
Egan and I'm a stand up comedian.
Are you fucking serious?
My name is Colin Hackett
and I'm a stone mason.
Oh that's really interesting Colin,
how long have you been doing that for?
All my life.
Wow. Any crazy stories?
No.
That's OK.
Chris Mulhern. I'm a marketing graduate and
I've lived in Australia for the last three years.
I'm Kate. I'm on the dole but
I want to be a makeup artist.
Thanks, Kate
Tony?
We've already done this.
Well, for my sake then
That makes me less so inclined.
OK.
My name is Tony Agnew, I'm a carpenter
and I've been unemployed for two years.
Thanks Tony.
I've got two little
girls in primary school.
My wife's a nurse and shes working eighteen
hour days just to put food on our table.
While I have to come in here five days a week
to make sure I still get my social welfare.
And not only does this course teach me no relevant skills
it actually prevents me from going out and looking for work.
And when I finish this they will
ask me have I been looking for work.
Before they strong-arm
me into some other scheme.
Or ask me to retrain again...
...do another course.
Help me get back on my feet.
I believe they're even using
comedians as teachers now.
Its enough to drive you crazy.
Look, one of the things we're going to be doing
is taking a look at how to write a good CV.
I already have a fucking CV.
Lets just try and get a
couple of things done today OK?
and I'll try and find out the answers
to your questions for tomorrow.
Is that OK?
OK well look...
We're just going to
start with a little quiz.
and this will I suppose eh... give
us a better understanding of...
...well, ourselves...
and maybe help us take a
look at how we view the world.
What? So just fill it in?
Yeah, it tells you how to mark it on the
back and each question has so many points.
Yeah.
What if I fail?
You can't fail. Its a personality test.
My dad says my problem is I
have too much personality, sir.
You don't have to call me sir.
Mr. Egan is fine.
Or Andrew... Andrew is good too.
Sorry?
What am I supposed to do exactly?
OK so well you have these statements and you have to answer
them in terms of whether you think they're true or not.
So this one here.
Disappointments are usually
the result of mistakes you make.
So would you agree or would you disagree?
I don't know.
Well that's OK because depending on whether
you strongly agree or strongly disagree...
em... you can actually answer
just right in the middle.
That's grand. So we'll
take this one for example.
How you treat people is what
determines whether they like you.
So, would you agree?
I don't know.
You can just answer in the middle
again. That's absolutely fine.
...yeah just tick that.
OK so we'll try one more.
Do you often feel that you have little
control over your life and what happens to you?
Well, you're getting the hang of it.
Cheers.
No problem.
Sir?
We usually get a break around eleven.
For how long?
Half an hour.
Well, just finish off your tests and you
can leave them up on the desk on the way out.
How are you fixed Colin?
I think that's me done.
Thanks.
See you in a bit.
[EERIE PIANO MUSIC]
Where's your class?
They're on their break.
What break?
Their eleven o'clock break...?
Was that a question?
No?
Why are you eating? You just got in at ten.
Is that a question?
You said that...
...They take lunch from half past twelve to
half past one and then they go home at three.
They're not children.
Well its a good job for you
because you just lost four of them.
I'll tell you what, why don't you go
and wait in your classroom until three
and then let me know what
time they come back at.
Are you serious?
I'm not the comedian.
[EERIE PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
Hello?
oh... hello... ah good
a... nice to meet you eh...
My name is Andrew Egan.
I heard there was a new one in
today so I said I'd introduce myself.
I'm John.
John Lance D'Arcy.
So good they named you three times.
They said you were a comedian.
I thought they were joking.
You're probably sick of this but I
love comedy. I love listening to jokes.
I'll let you know the next
time I'm playing a gig.
Yeah that'd be brilliant.
How long have you been teaching?
All my life.
Here?
Well they move around depending
on facilities and that but eh...
same company... more computers though.
How do you mean?
Theres just more of them.
You're finding everything OK?
Yeah so far fine.
Although I was supposed to get
a folder and Mr. Durham said...
...Don't mind him. I'll
sort you out for that.
There's a load of tapes in the storeroom
if you're ever stuck for a class
just put one of them on
and no one can say anything.
I don't have a lot of experience.
I'm just a replacement.
Yeah... the other fella.
Yeah.
What happened to him if
you don't mind me asking?
Wouldn't be right to talk about it.
But if you had to sum it up.
I couldn't.
I'd never seen anything like that before.
Listen.
There's something I wanted to tell you
before you heard it from anyone else.
I'm seeing someone.
It's only been a couple of weeks.
I just thought I owed you that.
Do I know him?
No.
Well that's nice, I'm really happy for you.
I really hope you're doing OK Andrew.
I'm doing doing fine,
doing absolutely fantastic.
I just started back doing the teaching again
just to get a little bit more money coming in
The comedy is going really good, and I was
talking to a guy who is interested in managing me.
He normally manages bands but he's
looking at branching out into comedy
Talk about maybe doing an Irish tour, and he's
got some connections in the states too so...
Just thinking it over at the moment, I don't want to
jump on the first thing that comes along, you know?
Thats good. Thats great!
I hope it all works out.
Why wouldn't it?
I'm sure it will.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING AND TALKING]
Braille.
How about Braille?
Anyone here use Braille?
Imagine Braille porn?
Whats Braille porn like?
Its probably just like
touching a real dick probably.
Any blind people here?
Anyone who wants to corroborate
my ideas of Braille porn?
Braille porn is just like touching people.
It's just like a load of handjobs and...
It's basically sex but in the dark...
Like what it used to be
in Ireland before 1990.
Thank you very much, my name is.....
[MICROPHONE CUTS OUT]
...Andrew Egan.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING AND TALKING]
[DARK AMBIENT MUSIC]
Hi, I was just wondering if you
have a second before we start?
Sure.
...This is bullshit.
I'm just joking.
I'm not even friends with a Gregg.
Not since that whole beach fiasco anyway.
You've been a great audience
guys. I've been Chris Mulhern
If you like what you saw tonight
check me out on Twitter @ChrisMulhernOz
My Twitter handle is #ChrisComedy
and eh... yeah, if you like what you see just give
us a like, give us a tweet and eh... yeah enjoy
Have a great night. Take care. Bye
...That's it
So... what do you think?
Oh hi there! I'm Andrea Noble.
Welcome to The Centre for Potential
Do you have problems with confrontation
a nd stating what you want?
Or maybe you find yourself in constant
conflict, feeling that others don't respect you?
There is a technique you can
practice to overcome these obstacles.
I'm talking about assertiveness.
But first, lets take a look at the
most common forms of communication.
I need these done by five.
You got a problem with that?
I didn't think so.
Without feelings of respect, what is
there to distinguish man from beast?
Can you get these to me by five?
By five?
Sure.
Great!
Direct.
Be direct.
People can't read your mind. Let
them know what you're thinking.
Image.
Projecting an image of confidence
makes a world of difference.
Stand tall and wear a smile.
End.
Always have an end goal in mind so you
don't loose sight of what you want to happen.
D.I.E.
Its that simple!
But remember, work doesn't
always have to be a chore!
"Andrew!"
[EERIE PIANO MUSIC]
Get a chair.
We've received a complaint
from one of our students.
Was it Tony?
I can't tell you who made the
complaint, it wouldn't be ethical.
There's concerns over your ability to
appropriately cater to the needs of the class.
If you were found to be in breach of your
contract due to negligence or incompetence
then your position would
be terminated without pay.
That doesn't seem very fair...
...No more can be done at the moment.
I just wanted you to know that we
take these matters very seriously.
Can I ask exactly what was said?
The word idiot was used frequently
About me?
About you.
I think you'd better get going.
Very serious, Mr. Egan.
Very serious.
"Good man."
Oh, John. Sorry, I didn't see you there.
Just came down for a bit peace and quiet.
The video did the trick?
Yeah.
For awhile anyway.
How are you?
If it's not one thing, it's another.
Can I ask you a private question?
Do you have any belief in the paranormal?
Like?
Phenomena beyond the
scope of our understanding.
Can't say that I do.
I knew a fella one time.
He'd always be looking at the sky
day and night.
This is the truth. He was a cousin of mine
He used to watch the sky
and he'd tell me what happened
him when he was a child.
He said there was this blinding flash.
Like your man going to Damascus.
A blinding light
and then he came to...
Half way up the mountain. No
memory of how he got there.
Hours had passed...
He copped it when he went home.
He'd been away for hours and
couldn't remember a thing.
He never told anyone...
...but he told me.
And he showed me the scar.
This long thin scar
running down along his neck.
What happened to him?
Disappeared.
Years later mind.
Not a trace.
People think they know it all
but I've seen more than I can explain
more than I'll ever understand anyway.
[MUFFLED NOISES FROM THE CEILING]
Just remember, you can't
take this life too seriously.
I don't understand myself.
Sometimes I think I do
but then I do something
and its just like someone else took
over the controls for a couple of hours.
Then the other guy gets back.
Just popped out for a cigarette
there. OK lets see whats going...
Oh my god why are we crying?
Why are we crying?
Come in penis. Penis come in
Uh yeah whats up?
Any incidents to report?
Nope, it's been all quiet on my end.
But I don't understand the
decisions I make sometimes.
I don't understand the most
basic things about myself.
It seems crazy to me that I might
meet someone some day and get married.
That's like every problem I have times two.
It is, honestly.
And that's obviously assuming that
she understands herself entirely.
OK, how many people here
are in a relationship?
Hands up, come on.
Ah yeah, nobody wants
to put their hands up.
Should have asked the question
before saying all that other stuff.
Just went out to the little boys
room there. OK how're we getting on?
He's after asking the question
before the whole set-up thing.
Oh my god come on! Seriously?
Am I the only one who pays attention here?
Jesus Christ! This poor
man is losing his mind.
Ah fuck.
Fuck it anyway.
[PULSATING SYNTH MUSIC]
[IT'S ALL BLEEDING TOGETHER]
There was a couple of nice looking
girls in the audience tonight.
There was one that really
reminded me of your sister.
Haha.
Yeah, the cute little red head?
Yeah she was pretty cute like.
That's one of my fetishes actually.
What girls that look like your sister?
Yeah.
Or just cute little red heads?
Both.
I've definitely got a think for both yeah.
My sister or your sister?
Both. My sister is a
cute little red head too.
I'm only joking I don't have a sister.
I know.
She died.
Yeah, in that suicide
pact with your sister.
Morbid.
You're so funny.
Heading off at the weekend.
Oh yeah where to?
Australia.
It's a bit of a drive isn't it?
Brother said he'd sort me out
with a job. Paid for my tickets.
You serious?
Fuck.
[AIR CONDITIONER DRONING]
Sir?
What star sign are you?
I don't know. Are you
finished your business plan?
When were you born?
November 1st.
Scorpio.
Great thanks.
Do you want to hear your horoscope?
Not really.
Your heart beats extra
strong today Scorpio.
Realise not everything can be
planned and embrace the unknown.
An impending change awaits.
Does that apply to all scorpions?
Scorpios.
Whatever.
I don't know any Scorpios,
I keep my distance.
Whys that?
Can't trust them.
Everyone finished?
- Yeah.
Self belief is a key component
to succeeding. Remember, you...
...are not important to the task at hand.
Next up we have the bragging exercise -
Meant to jump start our confidence and get
us thinking differently about ourselves.
Would you like to begin?
Well, I'm incredibly intelligent.
Some say a genius.
I'm the funniest person in any room.
Do you have a joke for us Tony?
What did you run out of material yourself?
Will you tell us one of your jokes, sir?
I'm not that kind of comedian.
What? The kind that tells jokes?
It's a little bit more
complicated than that.
I actually got one.
Did you hear about your man
that got his left side cut off?
Don't worry he's alright now.
Do your impression.
Ara Christopher cop on to yourself.
Will you cop on to yourself?
You'll hurt yourself. Get down off there.
Your an eejit.
[PERCUSSION MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
[SCREAMING INTERNALLY]
[PETTY RESENTMENT INTENSIFIES]
They're all laughing at me John.
That's great news.
No, I mean here...
The classroom... everyone they just...
think I'm a joke.
I wouldn't mind what people think of you.
There's enough in the
world to be worried about.
I just found out that my
girlfriend is seeing someone else.
Never had much time for women myself.
Complicated creatures.
Wouldn't pretend to understand them.
I think I'm loosing my mind John.
I know the feeling.
Sure if it's not the
government it's the immigrants.
I suppose you have a lot to
say about them in your shows.
Who? The government?
No.
Lads coming in here that don't
speak English. Those fellas.
Hmm?
Especially when they're
getting all the good jobs.
I don't think they are John.
That's not what I heard.
I'd say they'd be up to all sorts
that's we wouldn't know about.
Like what?
I wouldn't know.
If it's not one thing it's another.
Drive yourself mad thinking about it.
I heard this fella on
the radio the other day
said he was convinced that the
world was going to end by Friday.
I couldn't say one way or the other
but I felt awful sorry for him.
Imagine.
The world going to end and he
was the only one that cared.
That's an awful burden to be carrying.
I don't know much about a lot of things
but if there's people laughing at you
people not treating you right
I'd tell them to go and have
a run and jump for themselves.
[EERIE AMBIENT MUSIC]
Did you see a....?
[EERIE AMBIENT MUSIC CONTINUES]
Could you put some money into my account?
Yeah, no I do. Its just I don't
get paid until the end of the month.
Yeah.
No, no. Everything is fine.
Everything is absolutely grand.
Who?
No, no. I don't know them.
Yeah, that's very young.
No... no. I don't know them either.
Sure look, I might see you at the
weekend. I'm just very busy at the moment.
Yeah, I love you too. Bye, bye.
"I'm doing it. My craziest prank yet."
"OK watch this. Let's go, let's go. Shhh"
"What?"
"Hey man can I come in?"
"Come in."
"What do you want?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"Just seeing what you're up to."
"Say hi to all my fans."
"You might need to refresh...
you know get some nice..."
"H20 in for the college... oh oh..."
"oh no"
"oh no"
"Sorry, man."
"Really sorry."
"Here, let me wipe that off there."
[MANIACAL LAUGH]
"Prank. prank. prank. prank."
"Thanks for watching guys."
"Please subscribe and hit
like on all the videos."
"and share. Share. Share. Share."
"What an idiot!"
"Whats up?"
"Today's video
- Why I can not stand romantic comedies."
"Number one."
"They're the same bloody thing every time."
"Boy meets girl. Boy
and girl fall in love."
"Boy screws it up. Girl heads off
with guy that's wrong for her."
"Boy runs down the road and
saves the day at the last minute."
"We know it. Come up with something else."
"Number two."
"They place unrealistic
expectations on me."
"These things are expensive."
"I'm not going to do that."
"Channing Tatum going and you know..."
"cutting down a tree and
making a house out of it."
"I don't know how to bloody
make a house out of a tree."
"And you know, sensitive as well."
"I'm not sensitive. I don't exercise."
"I don't know how building houses work."
"To me, the perfect woman is
someone who's just one of the lads."
"Come in."
I was hoping I could talk
to you about the complaint.
Go ahead.
I didn't want to bring it up but under
the circumstances I think it's only fair.
Obviously, I don't know who it was who
brought the complaint against me but
I have information which leads me to believe that
it may have been brought about by ulterior motives.
Which would be?
There is someone in the
class who is actively working
and I believe that they are trying
to have me removed from the class
to prevent any legal
repercussions on his...
On their end.
Well, thank you for
being so candid, Andrew.
I'll take this into consideration.
Also, it may not be relevant
but I believe the same person may have
stolen my bike as an act of defiance.
You're right.
That's not relevant.
[DARK, DREAMY AMBIENT MUSIC]
No one's listening are they?
"Mr. Egan?"
Yeah.
Mr. Egan?
You don't have to put your hand up Colin.
What is it?
My pen is broken.
Your pen is...
Does anyone have a spare pen for Colin?
It's OK, I got it working again.
[OMINOUS AMBIENT MUSIC]
Just think man. Just think.
How many more complaints
am I going to get about you?
How many more?
I'm sorry, I am. I really am.
No more.
None.
You'll get no fucking sympathy here.
You're useless.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm sick of it.
Next thing you'll be telling me
that it's not even your fault.
It's not all my fault.
What the fuck is up with
you people? Seriously.
Alright. Fuck it. I'm just
going to do some dead baby jokes.
That's what you want right?
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
Andrew Egan, the fucking vegan!
Only messing man, I know you're not.
Unless you are and that's cool.
Come here to me, were you up there tonight?
What are they like?
Are they a bit of craic?
Some of these open mic nights can
be a bit hit and miss you know?
It's like some people don't want to laugh.
I mean I'm all up for a tough crowd but
this country is a breeding ground for cunts.
It's like this one guy
the other night at my show.
He really threw me off.
He was this kinda big heavy
set guy in a GAA jersey.
He came up to me at the
end of the gig in tears
I was all like "what was I supposed to do?"
Not acknowledge that he was shit?
He wasn't even there with anyone.
I was like "what are
you even here for mate?"
And as far as I'm concerned, even though he
didn't say anything, it was a form of heckling.
So, I heckled him back.
I got the whole audience to chant his name
as he was walked out
as he was walking out the
aisle, big glum look on his head
It kinda gained some of the
energy back, if not all of it.
[PULSATING SYNTH MUSIC DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE]
All I want to do is make
his life a living hell.
You know
for a comedian, you don't smile very much.
Anyway, wish me luck
I'll see you out there.
"Just think man. Will you just think."
"Fucking useless."
"Jesus Christ."
"You'll get no fucking sympathy here."
Tony!
It's not even nine yet,
I'm just going for a smoke.
No, it's OK I just wanted to talk to you.
Look, I know we kinda
got off on the wrong foot
and I just wanted to say
I understand you know.
Understand what?
Before I got this job, I thought I was
going to be on one of these course too
and I hate them as much
as you do. I get it.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
I'd like to think I'm a pretty good
judge of situations... of people.
Have you ever had any
responsibility in your life?
Of course.
I mean other than yourself.
Have a wife.
A family.
Having to do a job because you need
to because people are depending on you.
Doing something because you have to.
Not because you like the notion of it.
You've never done a hard
days work in your life.
You're a fucking clown.
That's not fair.
No.
It's not.
I'm going for a smoke.
[EERIE PIANO MUSIC]
Would you not rather read
that in the break room?
Bit more peaceful in here.
Did I ever tell you that I used to paint?
No.
Wasn't bad at it either.
I've a cousin
that'd be on my mother side.
Be a good bit older than me.
He used to do that sort of thing.
Be off in different parts of the world.
Haven't spoken to him in an age.
I think he has a family at this stage.
Father used to say he
was mad, mad altogether.
No money in it, he said.
Sure there's no money
in anything these days
No money in it.
He was a tough man, my father.
It's a different generation.
Great footballer in his day mind.
Mighty footballer altogether.
Not much time for anything else.
Do you have any
recommendations for these tapes?
They're all much the same to me.
You'd never get a kind word out of him.
Always shouting and roaring at you.
But sure I couldn't think
straight back then you know.
They don't do that with children now
I'd say it's against the law is it?
Shouting?
All that kind of craic.
There's a lot more polices...
I wonder is it any better?
Thanks, John.
[DURHAM
- YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO HAVE A FIVER I COULD BORROW?]
[ANDREW
- I'VE GOT A FOUR AND A SIX]
[DURHAM
- SIX IS GRAND]
There's no need for you to
worry about that complaint.
You were right about Chris, he was working.
Comedian.
I found his humour
quite disarming actually.
Almost tempted to let him off
but it's not my decision to make.
And we certainly couldn't
afford to lose another teacher.
Can I just ask, what
happened to the last teacher?
He was savagely beaten.
By who?
I'd rather not get in to
it I'm sure you understand.
Look, there are some concerns that
your class is no longer viable.
If we were to let you go at this point
your competence as an educator
would reflect poorly on us.
Really, we're trying to
downplay that the class...
that it... ever really
existed in the first place.
You'd still be with us.
Look, what I'm suggesting is
that we find you another title
another role here so that
we can all move past this.
Keep our heads above water.
I can't just leave?
Well if you were to leave you
wouldn't be able to claim welfare.
Now I'm sure comedy is fun but not
enough to pay the cost of living.
Well...
...That wasn't a question.
What do you say Andrew?
Is that a question?
There's that famous Egan wit.
Congratulations.
What?
I'll show you to your new desk.
"This is you."
"Just input the paper
files into the computer."
"You can take things at your own pace"
"but those first twelve boxes will have
to be finished by the end of the day."
You'll be fine
once you know your place.
[WIND BLOWING]
[BUILDING GROANS]
[BUILDING GROANS]
I never heard her say
a bad word about anyone.
That being said, I never heard
her say a good word about anyone.
Actually, I never heard Helen
Keller say a word about anyone.
OK
Speaking of Helen Keller.
Helen Keller once wrote
that security
is a superstition.
That life should be an adventure
or it's nothing at all.
Although, it's pretty easy for her to say
she was probably handed everything.
What the fuck. Jesus.
I finally did it. I reached one
hundred thousand subscribers.
I cannot tell you enough
how much this means to me.
CHRIS: I couldn't have made it
this far without all of your help.
CHRIS: The dream has
finally become a reality.
CHRIS: This has been the best year
of my life and it's all thanks to you.
Well first of all can I just
say, my mam is super proud of me.
CHRIS: But I don't stop
here. I move forward.
CHRIS: Up and on.
CHRIS: That's what I'd say to
everyone struggling out there.
CHRIS: Just look at me.
CHRIS: If I can do it, so can you.
CHRIS: Follow your dreams
and watch where they lead.
CHRIS: Say yes and look to the future.
CHRIS: Be who you were meant to be.
CHRIS: This is Chris Mulhern
CHRIS: signing off.
Thanks for joining me
on this adventure so far.
RADIO PSYCHIC: "...live
full and happy lives."
RADIO PSYCHIC: "But only if they're
found and returned to their families."
RADIO PSYCHIC: "Nuala, I'm here
to help you. Give me more details."
NUALA: "Well, his name is Padraic."
NUALA: "Padraic Conneely."
NUALA: "He was up
playing at the old quarry"
NUALA: "I work during the day
so I leave him there to play."
NUALA: "I came back there"
NUALA: "and he wasn't back and I was worried
and I went looking but I couldn't find him."
RADIO PSYCHIC: "Nuala, Nuala. I'm going
to stop you there, you're rambling."
RADIO PSYCHIC: "You're hysterical."
CHRIS: "It just started with
me making videos in my room."
CHRIS: "and just kind of
spiraled into a career basically."
CHRIS: "Some things just come naturally to
some people. Comedy comes naturally to me."
RADIO DJ: "It certainly does and I've been told
that you have your first DVD in shops from today."
RADIO DJ: "It's a stand-up DVD and
it's called, 'Chris Mulhern ..."
CHRIS: "...Not For Everyone'"
RADIO DJ: "Great title. I loved it."
RADIO DJ: "As someone who has kept
track of your fledgling career to date"
RADIO DJ: "I can't help but feel your
comedy has grown so much in this past year."
CHRIS: "I'm a comedian, yes."
CHRIS: "But I'm also a
social commentator as well."
CHRIS: "I'm trying to address the
nation, I'm trying to address the issues."
RADIO DJ: "Yes and I think that's why
people have taken so much notice lately."
RADIO DJ: "I mean of
course the videos are funny"
RADIO DJ: "but people are saying, and
rightly so, that this Chris Mulhern"
RADIO DJ: "he's not just a clown,
he could be a serious performer."
RADIO DJ: "You must be taking a lot of
meetings. What does the future hold?"
CHRIS: "You know without
getting too ahead of myself"
CHRIS: "five year plan"
CHRIS: "I could see myself with a
Best Actor Oscar at the end of it."
[BUILDING GROANS]
I'm going to sit down.
They call it stand up but
that's not what matters.
It's the comedy.
And I know what you're thinking
- I can't guarantee laughs.
I mightn't even try.
And I'd be worried too but
you don't have to worry about me.
I promise.
Choice.
Choice is the enemy.
That's where all my life goes wrong.
I mean, whose bright idea was it to have me
take responsibility for my own life.
Exactly.
I didn't agree to that.
And I don't really need the pressures of
all these ideas that we have about ourselves
I think the rest of the world does a good
enough job of doing that for us anyway.
All these expectations that need
to be filled without us realising.
I'm serious.
Well, I'm joking
but I'm serious.
Career by twenty-five, marriage by thirty
two kids and then what?
No one knows
and no one can tell you
because that
is as far as they got.
All those people who want to tell you
exactly how you should live your life
they were just as confused as you are when
they thought they had it all figured out.
And that's when you know the
true meaning of friendship.
When you can both bond
over that deep
deep
emptiness
that makes you cry when
you're alone in public spaces.
Thank you.
I'm Andrew Egan.
[NON-EXISTENT AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
Thank you.
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me.
Thank you so much.
It's really funny you know
because I actually used to be a teacher.
Yeah, I used to teach for awhile.
I mean this was a long time ago
But uh...
I remember... well
I remember I wanted to give it all up.
The teaching that is, not the comedy.
I don't think anyone would really
care if I didn't show up to teach.
In fact I think people generally
prefer when I'm not around anyway.
They seem to enjoy
themselves an awful lot more.
Which is a real cross
to bear as a comedian.
But seriously, you know how it is yourself.
It's a vocation.
It's something you have to do.
You don't have a choice really.
You can't just shake it off you know.
You just got to make it work.
Just keep on keeping on.
That's what I'd say.
Just keep working at it.
Just keep doing what you're doing
because it has to work.
Has to.
What else is there?
[MUFFLED GUNSHOT]
[TENSE PIANO MUSIC]
[TENSE PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
[PHONE RINGS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[GASPING FOR BREATH]
What happened?
[BATTERY OPERATED FISH
- DISTORTED GIBBERISH]
"Andrew?"
[DARK, AMBIENT MUSIC]
John.
I think we need to get help for Jerry.
Jerry fucking Durham.
I've seen bigger men on
the top of a wedding cake.
I used to be good at something
but I can't do that anymore.
What use am I?
What use am I, Andrew?
What purpose do I have?
There isn't any.
They've told me.
I hear them.
They've told me.
I'm listening.
I hope they're happy.
It's going to be OK.
It was never OK.
Tell me a joke.
I can't think of any.
Please, Andrew.
A man...
A dog...
Go on.
A talking dog
walks into a social welfare office
and goes up to the counter
and says to the person
"Hello..."
"I'm looking for some work"
And the woman says
"Wow..."
"A talking dog. Amazing."
"It should be no trouble at all"
"Have you tried the circus?"
And the dog
looks at her and says
The circus?
What would I want with the circus?
I'm an electrician.
I don't care what they say.
I think you are funny.
"Andrew Egan."
OK Andrew did you fill out the form?
I've already filled this out.
We don't have any record of that.
I've already done it.
Could you?
Yeah.
Sure.
Tell me Andrew have you
been looking for work?
"If it's not one thing it's another.
Drive yourself mad thinking about it."
And so we come to the end.
Now is a time to reflect on our discoveries
and take stock of what is really important.
I trust you are further on your
way to achieving your goals.
It was my pleasure to
guide you on this journey
and I wish you all the best
in your future endeavors.
Goodbye and thanks for listening.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Don't build it up.
Andrew, you're next.
Next up we have someone you might
not know but after this you will.
Please welcome to the stage, Andrew Egan.
I got a letter from social welfare.
Think they want me to
do one of those courses.
Just tell them you have
interviews lined up.
Can I use your Dad's business?
Yeah he said you should stop doing that
Plus it might look suspicious if you keep getting
interviews in the same place but don't get a job.
Those courses are so fucking depressing.
Maybe your Dad could give me a real job?
He said theres barely a
reason for me to be there so...
You going to the open mic on Monday?
Yeah I guess
Did you wash your hands?
Yeah
Andrew Egan
OK Andrew did you fill out the form?
Actually I filled this out
the last time I was here.
We don't have any record of that.
Then why did I fill it out before?
Could you just...
Yeah, sure.
OK Andrew, have you been looking for work?
Mmhm, yeah
And you haven't been able to find anything?
No.
Do you have any qualifications?
I've got a degree.
Arts.
You've written here that
you're a stand-up comedian.
Have you been able to
find any work in that?
Well, its ongoing you know.
I have a couple of gigs lined up and
hopefully that will lead to more work.
OK.
You haven't seen any course that would
be of benefit to you in that line?
Like clown college?
No, I'm sorry.
I can't see any courses in that.
Ah! I have a part time job availability
for next week as a replacement teacher.
Do you have any transport? A car maybe?
No.
That's OK its here in town.
I'm sorry?
Its just for the duration
of the course which is...
...Yeah its just I'm not really a teacher.
You're more than qualified.
You'd be teaching a small class to help with
relevant skills to reenter the workplace.
Do I have to?
Is there any reason why you can't?
No.
[PULSATING SYNTH MUSIC]
"Going down."
"You are pressing too many floor buttons."
"Please press only the
floor button required."
"This elevator is full.
Please take the next elevator."
"Good morning."
"You have three new voice messages."
"Received today at 09:01 hours."
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Oh its the answer thingy."
"Andrew, its your mother."
"We haven't seen you in a while and I was just wondering
if you're still coming to your fathers birthday?"
"We're not having a big
do. I know you're busy."
"We'll have some dinner.
It'd be nice to see you."
"Oh come here till I tell
you, do you know who's dead?"
"You have one new voice message
received at 10:14 hours."
"Hey Andrew its Leah."
"Just wondering if you could maybe drop over
the last of my stuff at your parents house?"
"I'll be passing through
on Wednesday and..."
"I just..."
"After all that happened... it
just might be easier this way."
"For now anyway."
"Maybe we can talk another time."
"Thanks."
"Bye."
"To listen to your message again press one"
"To save it and move on press..."
"...message deleted."
[EERIE MUSIC]
Excuse me.
Hello. I was just wondering
where the classes are?
[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
Where are you going?
My name is Andrew. I'm supposed
to be teaching here today.
Stay where you are.
[MUFFLED THUD FROM CEILING]
[CAMERA MECHANISM FOCUSING]
[CAMERA TAKES A PICTURE]
Andrew was it?
Yes, Andrew Egan. Sorry I'm late, had a
little bit of trouble finding the building.
Not a problem.
These are the tests that were supposed
to be completed last week before...
...Well you're here now
and that's all that matters.
Tests?
Personality tests. Tick the boxes.
I'm sure you've seen them before.
Sure.
And after the tests?
Its all in the folder.
Actually I didn't get a folder
Nevertheless, its pretty straight forward
It'll them them on the
tests how to mark them.
They each mark their own and after that you just talk to
them about positive outlook... self esteem... the usual
I don't really have a...
...Listen, I'm going to head off.
You're looking for room two
its upstairs you can't miss it.
Room three is mine.
And like I said.
Don't worry, it'll be fine.
You don't happen to have a
fiver I could borrow do you?
I've got a four and a six.
Six is grand.
I still don't know what to say.
It doesn't matter.
They're not going to listen.
[DARK, DREAMY AMBIENT MUSIC]
There's fifteen names here. Is
there still more people to come?
Does anyone know where they are?
This is nonsense.
Sorry?
We're all just pushed in to this
to get us off the live register.
Now they send us someone else who knows even
less about whats going on than the last one
I'm spending twenty euro a day
on petrol money to get here...
...on top of mortgage repayments and
kids uniforms. How is this helping us?
Em... Whats your name?
Tony.
Well Tony look, how about we start just by telling each
other our names and maybe a little bit about ourselves.
OK.
I'll go first. My name is Andrew
Egan and I'm a stand up comedian.
Are you fucking serious?
My name is Colin Hackett
and I'm a stone mason.
Oh that's really interesting Colin,
how long have you been doing that for?
All my life.
Wow. Any crazy stories?
No.
That's OK.
Chris Mulhern. I'm a marketing graduate and
I've lived in Australia for the last three years.
I'm Kate. I'm on the dole but
I want to be a makeup artist.
Thanks, Kate
Tony?
We've already done this.
Well, for my sake then
That makes me less so inclined.
OK.
My name is Tony Agnew, I'm a carpenter
and I've been unemployed for two years.
Thanks Tony.
I've got two little
girls in primary school.
My wife's a nurse and shes working eighteen
hour days just to put food on our table.
While I have to come in here five days a week
to make sure I still get my social welfare.
And not only does this course teach me no relevant skills
it actually prevents me from going out and looking for work.
And when I finish this they will
ask me have I been looking for work.
Before they strong-arm
me into some other scheme.
Or ask me to retrain again...
...do another course.
Help me get back on my feet.
I believe they're even using
comedians as teachers now.
Its enough to drive you crazy.
Look, one of the things we're going to be doing
is taking a look at how to write a good CV.
I already have a fucking CV.
Lets just try and get a
couple of things done today OK?
and I'll try and find out the answers
to your questions for tomorrow.
Is that OK?
OK well look...
We're just going to
start with a little quiz.
and this will I suppose eh... give
us a better understanding of...
...well, ourselves...
and maybe help us take a
look at how we view the world.
What? So just fill it in?
Yeah, it tells you how to mark it on the
back and each question has so many points.
Yeah.
What if I fail?
You can't fail. Its a personality test.
My dad says my problem is I
have too much personality, sir.
You don't have to call me sir.
Mr. Egan is fine.
Or Andrew... Andrew is good too.
Sorry?
What am I supposed to do exactly?
OK so well you have these statements and you have to answer
them in terms of whether you think they're true or not.
So this one here.
Disappointments are usually
the result of mistakes you make.
So would you agree or would you disagree?
I don't know.
Well that's OK because depending on whether
you strongly agree or strongly disagree...
em... you can actually answer
just right in the middle.
That's grand. So we'll
take this one for example.
How you treat people is what
determines whether they like you.
So, would you agree?
I don't know.
You can just answer in the middle
again. That's absolutely fine.
...yeah just tick that.
OK so we'll try one more.
Do you often feel that you have little
control over your life and what happens to you?
Well, you're getting the hang of it.
Cheers.
No problem.
Sir?
We usually get a break around eleven.
For how long?
Half an hour.
Well, just finish off your tests and you
can leave them up on the desk on the way out.
How are you fixed Colin?
I think that's me done.
Thanks.
See you in a bit.
[EERIE PIANO MUSIC]
Where's your class?
They're on their break.
What break?
Their eleven o'clock break...?
Was that a question?
No?
Why are you eating? You just got in at ten.
Is that a question?
You said that...
...They take lunch from half past twelve to
half past one and then they go home at three.
They're not children.
Well its a good job for you
because you just lost four of them.
I'll tell you what, why don't you go
and wait in your classroom until three
and then let me know what
time they come back at.
Are you serious?
I'm not the comedian.
[EERIE PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
Hello?
oh... hello... ah good
a... nice to meet you eh...
My name is Andrew Egan.
I heard there was a new one in
today so I said I'd introduce myself.
I'm John.
John Lance D'Arcy.
So good they named you three times.
They said you were a comedian.
I thought they were joking.
You're probably sick of this but I
love comedy. I love listening to jokes.
I'll let you know the next
time I'm playing a gig.
Yeah that'd be brilliant.
How long have you been teaching?
All my life.
Here?
Well they move around depending
on facilities and that but eh...
same company... more computers though.
How do you mean?
Theres just more of them.
You're finding everything OK?
Yeah so far fine.
Although I was supposed to get
a folder and Mr. Durham said...
...Don't mind him. I'll
sort you out for that.
There's a load of tapes in the storeroom
if you're ever stuck for a class
just put one of them on
and no one can say anything.
I don't have a lot of experience.
I'm just a replacement.
Yeah... the other fella.
Yeah.
What happened to him if
you don't mind me asking?
Wouldn't be right to talk about it.
But if you had to sum it up.
I couldn't.
I'd never seen anything like that before.
Listen.
There's something I wanted to tell you
before you heard it from anyone else.
I'm seeing someone.
It's only been a couple of weeks.
I just thought I owed you that.
Do I know him?
No.
Well that's nice, I'm really happy for you.
I really hope you're doing OK Andrew.
I'm doing doing fine,
doing absolutely fantastic.
I just started back doing the teaching again
just to get a little bit more money coming in
The comedy is going really good, and I was
talking to a guy who is interested in managing me.
He normally manages bands but he's
looking at branching out into comedy
Talk about maybe doing an Irish tour, and he's
got some connections in the states too so...
Just thinking it over at the moment, I don't want to
jump on the first thing that comes along, you know?
Thats good. Thats great!
I hope it all works out.
Why wouldn't it?
I'm sure it will.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING AND TALKING]
Braille.
How about Braille?
Anyone here use Braille?
Imagine Braille porn?
Whats Braille porn like?
Its probably just like
touching a real dick probably.
Any blind people here?
Anyone who wants to corroborate
my ideas of Braille porn?
Braille porn is just like touching people.
It's just like a load of handjobs and...
It's basically sex but in the dark...
Like what it used to be
in Ireland before 1990.
Thank you very much, my name is.....
[MICROPHONE CUTS OUT]
...Andrew Egan.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING AND TALKING]
[DARK AMBIENT MUSIC]
Hi, I was just wondering if you
have a second before we start?
Sure.
...This is bullshit.
I'm just joking.
I'm not even friends with a Gregg.
Not since that whole beach fiasco anyway.
You've been a great audience
guys. I've been Chris Mulhern
If you like what you saw tonight
check me out on Twitter @ChrisMulhernOz
My Twitter handle is #ChrisComedy
and eh... yeah, if you like what you see just give
us a like, give us a tweet and eh... yeah enjoy
Have a great night. Take care. Bye
...That's it
So... what do you think?
Oh hi there! I'm Andrea Noble.
Welcome to The Centre for Potential
Do you have problems with confrontation
a nd stating what you want?
Or maybe you find yourself in constant
conflict, feeling that others don't respect you?
There is a technique you can
practice to overcome these obstacles.
I'm talking about assertiveness.
But first, lets take a look at the
most common forms of communication.
I need these done by five.
You got a problem with that?
I didn't think so.
Without feelings of respect, what is
there to distinguish man from beast?
Can you get these to me by five?
By five?
Sure.
Great!
Direct.
Be direct.
People can't read your mind. Let
them know what you're thinking.
Image.
Projecting an image of confidence
makes a world of difference.
Stand tall and wear a smile.
End.
Always have an end goal in mind so you
don't loose sight of what you want to happen.
D.I.E.
Its that simple!
But remember, work doesn't
always have to be a chore!
"Andrew!"
[EERIE PIANO MUSIC]
Get a chair.
We've received a complaint
from one of our students.
Was it Tony?
I can't tell you who made the
complaint, it wouldn't be ethical.
There's concerns over your ability to
appropriately cater to the needs of the class.
If you were found to be in breach of your
contract due to negligence or incompetence
then your position would
be terminated without pay.
That doesn't seem very fair...
...No more can be done at the moment.
I just wanted you to know that we
take these matters very seriously.
Can I ask exactly what was said?
The word idiot was used frequently
About me?
About you.
I think you'd better get going.
Very serious, Mr. Egan.
Very serious.
"Good man."
Oh, John. Sorry, I didn't see you there.
Just came down for a bit peace and quiet.
The video did the trick?
Yeah.
For awhile anyway.
How are you?
If it's not one thing, it's another.
Can I ask you a private question?
Do you have any belief in the paranormal?
Like?
Phenomena beyond the
scope of our understanding.
Can't say that I do.
I knew a fella one time.
He'd always be looking at the sky
day and night.
This is the truth. He was a cousin of mine
He used to watch the sky
and he'd tell me what happened
him when he was a child.
He said there was this blinding flash.
Like your man going to Damascus.
A blinding light
and then he came to...
Half way up the mountain. No
memory of how he got there.
Hours had passed...
He copped it when he went home.
He'd been away for hours and
couldn't remember a thing.
He never told anyone...
...but he told me.
And he showed me the scar.
This long thin scar
running down along his neck.
What happened to him?
Disappeared.
Years later mind.
Not a trace.
People think they know it all
but I've seen more than I can explain
more than I'll ever understand anyway.
[MUFFLED NOISES FROM THE CEILING]
Just remember, you can't
take this life too seriously.
I don't understand myself.
Sometimes I think I do
but then I do something
and its just like someone else took
over the controls for a couple of hours.
Then the other guy gets back.
Just popped out for a cigarette
there. OK lets see whats going...
Oh my god why are we crying?
Why are we crying?
Come in penis. Penis come in
Uh yeah whats up?
Any incidents to report?
Nope, it's been all quiet on my end.
But I don't understand the
decisions I make sometimes.
I don't understand the most
basic things about myself.
It seems crazy to me that I might
meet someone some day and get married.
That's like every problem I have times two.
It is, honestly.
And that's obviously assuming that
she understands herself entirely.
OK, how many people here
are in a relationship?
Hands up, come on.
Ah yeah, nobody wants
to put their hands up.
Should have asked the question
before saying all that other stuff.
Just went out to the little boys
room there. OK how're we getting on?
He's after asking the question
before the whole set-up thing.
Oh my god come on! Seriously?
Am I the only one who pays attention here?
Jesus Christ! This poor
man is losing his mind.
Ah fuck.
Fuck it anyway.
[PULSATING SYNTH MUSIC]
[IT'S ALL BLEEDING TOGETHER]
There was a couple of nice looking
girls in the audience tonight.
There was one that really
reminded me of your sister.
Haha.
Yeah, the cute little red head?
Yeah she was pretty cute like.
That's one of my fetishes actually.
What girls that look like your sister?
Yeah.
Or just cute little red heads?
Both.
I've definitely got a think for both yeah.
My sister or your sister?
Both. My sister is a
cute little red head too.
I'm only joking I don't have a sister.
I know.
She died.
Yeah, in that suicide
pact with your sister.
Morbid.
You're so funny.
Heading off at the weekend.
Oh yeah where to?
Australia.
It's a bit of a drive isn't it?
Brother said he'd sort me out
with a job. Paid for my tickets.
You serious?
Fuck.
[AIR CONDITIONER DRONING]
Sir?
What star sign are you?
I don't know. Are you
finished your business plan?
When were you born?
November 1st.
Scorpio.
Great thanks.
Do you want to hear your horoscope?
Not really.
Your heart beats extra
strong today Scorpio.
Realise not everything can be
planned and embrace the unknown.
An impending change awaits.
Does that apply to all scorpions?
Scorpios.
Whatever.
I don't know any Scorpios,
I keep my distance.
Whys that?
Can't trust them.
Everyone finished?
- Yeah.
Self belief is a key component
to succeeding. Remember, you...
...are not important to the task at hand.
Next up we have the bragging exercise -
Meant to jump start our confidence and get
us thinking differently about ourselves.
Would you like to begin?
Well, I'm incredibly intelligent.
Some say a genius.
I'm the funniest person in any room.
Do you have a joke for us Tony?
What did you run out of material yourself?
Will you tell us one of your jokes, sir?
I'm not that kind of comedian.
What? The kind that tells jokes?
It's a little bit more
complicated than that.
I actually got one.
Did you hear about your man
that got his left side cut off?
Don't worry he's alright now.
Do your impression.
Ara Christopher cop on to yourself.
Will you cop on to yourself?
You'll hurt yourself. Get down off there.
Your an eejit.
[PERCUSSION MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
[SCREAMING INTERNALLY]
[PETTY RESENTMENT INTENSIFIES]
They're all laughing at me John.
That's great news.
No, I mean here...
The classroom... everyone they just...
think I'm a joke.
I wouldn't mind what people think of you.
There's enough in the
world to be worried about.
I just found out that my
girlfriend is seeing someone else.
Never had much time for women myself.
Complicated creatures.
Wouldn't pretend to understand them.
I think I'm loosing my mind John.
I know the feeling.
Sure if it's not the
government it's the immigrants.
I suppose you have a lot to
say about them in your shows.
Who? The government?
No.
Lads coming in here that don't
speak English. Those fellas.
Hmm?
Especially when they're
getting all the good jobs.
I don't think they are John.
That's not what I heard.
I'd say they'd be up to all sorts
that's we wouldn't know about.
Like what?
I wouldn't know.
If it's not one thing it's another.
Drive yourself mad thinking about it.
I heard this fella on
the radio the other day
said he was convinced that the
world was going to end by Friday.
I couldn't say one way or the other
but I felt awful sorry for him.
Imagine.
The world going to end and he
was the only one that cared.
That's an awful burden to be carrying.
I don't know much about a lot of things
but if there's people laughing at you
people not treating you right
I'd tell them to go and have
a run and jump for themselves.
[EERIE AMBIENT MUSIC]
Did you see a....?
[EERIE AMBIENT MUSIC CONTINUES]
Could you put some money into my account?
Yeah, no I do. Its just I don't
get paid until the end of the month.
Yeah.
No, no. Everything is fine.
Everything is absolutely grand.
Who?
No, no. I don't know them.
Yeah, that's very young.
No... no. I don't know them either.
Sure look, I might see you at the
weekend. I'm just very busy at the moment.
Yeah, I love you too. Bye, bye.
"I'm doing it. My craziest prank yet."
"OK watch this. Let's go, let's go. Shhh"
"What?"
"Hey man can I come in?"
"Come in."
"What do you want?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"Just seeing what you're up to."
"Say hi to all my fans."
"You might need to refresh...
you know get some nice..."
"H20 in for the college... oh oh..."
"oh no"
"oh no"
"Sorry, man."
"Really sorry."
"Here, let me wipe that off there."
[MANIACAL LAUGH]
"Prank. prank. prank. prank."
"Thanks for watching guys."
"Please subscribe and hit
like on all the videos."
"and share. Share. Share. Share."
"What an idiot!"
"Whats up?"
"Today's video
- Why I can not stand romantic comedies."
"Number one."
"They're the same bloody thing every time."
"Boy meets girl. Boy
and girl fall in love."
"Boy screws it up. Girl heads off
with guy that's wrong for her."
"Boy runs down the road and
saves the day at the last minute."
"We know it. Come up with something else."
"Number two."
"They place unrealistic
expectations on me."
"These things are expensive."
"I'm not going to do that."
"Channing Tatum going and you know..."
"cutting down a tree and
making a house out of it."
"I don't know how to bloody
make a house out of a tree."
"And you know, sensitive as well."
"I'm not sensitive. I don't exercise."
"I don't know how building houses work."
"To me, the perfect woman is
someone who's just one of the lads."
"Come in."
I was hoping I could talk
to you about the complaint.
Go ahead.
I didn't want to bring it up but under
the circumstances I think it's only fair.
Obviously, I don't know who it was who
brought the complaint against me but
I have information which leads me to believe that
it may have been brought about by ulterior motives.
Which would be?
There is someone in the
class who is actively working
and I believe that they are trying
to have me removed from the class
to prevent any legal
repercussions on his...
On their end.
Well, thank you for
being so candid, Andrew.
I'll take this into consideration.
Also, it may not be relevant
but I believe the same person may have
stolen my bike as an act of defiance.
You're right.
That's not relevant.
[DARK, DREAMY AMBIENT MUSIC]
No one's listening are they?
"Mr. Egan?"
Yeah.
Mr. Egan?
You don't have to put your hand up Colin.
What is it?
My pen is broken.
Your pen is...
Does anyone have a spare pen for Colin?
It's OK, I got it working again.
[OMINOUS AMBIENT MUSIC]
Just think man. Just think.
How many more complaints
am I going to get about you?
How many more?
I'm sorry, I am. I really am.
No more.
None.
You'll get no fucking sympathy here.
You're useless.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm sick of it.
Next thing you'll be telling me
that it's not even your fault.
It's not all my fault.
What the fuck is up with
you people? Seriously.
Alright. Fuck it. I'm just
going to do some dead baby jokes.
That's what you want right?
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
Andrew Egan, the fucking vegan!
Only messing man, I know you're not.
Unless you are and that's cool.
Come here to me, were you up there tonight?
What are they like?
Are they a bit of craic?
Some of these open mic nights can
be a bit hit and miss you know?
It's like some people don't want to laugh.
I mean I'm all up for a tough crowd but
this country is a breeding ground for cunts.
It's like this one guy
the other night at my show.
He really threw me off.
He was this kinda big heavy
set guy in a GAA jersey.
He came up to me at the
end of the gig in tears
I was all like "what was I supposed to do?"
Not acknowledge that he was shit?
He wasn't even there with anyone.
I was like "what are
you even here for mate?"
And as far as I'm concerned, even though he
didn't say anything, it was a form of heckling.
So, I heckled him back.
I got the whole audience to chant his name
as he was walked out
as he was walking out the
aisle, big glum look on his head
It kinda gained some of the
energy back, if not all of it.
[PULSATING SYNTH MUSIC DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE]
All I want to do is make
his life a living hell.
You know
for a comedian, you don't smile very much.
Anyway, wish me luck
I'll see you out there.
"Just think man. Will you just think."
"Fucking useless."
"Jesus Christ."
"You'll get no fucking sympathy here."
Tony!
It's not even nine yet,
I'm just going for a smoke.
No, it's OK I just wanted to talk to you.
Look, I know we kinda
got off on the wrong foot
and I just wanted to say
I understand you know.
Understand what?
Before I got this job, I thought I was
going to be on one of these course too
and I hate them as much
as you do. I get it.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
I'd like to think I'm a pretty good
judge of situations... of people.
Have you ever had any
responsibility in your life?
Of course.
I mean other than yourself.
Have a wife.
A family.
Having to do a job because you need
to because people are depending on you.
Doing something because you have to.
Not because you like the notion of it.
You've never done a hard
days work in your life.
You're a fucking clown.
That's not fair.
No.
It's not.
I'm going for a smoke.
[EERIE PIANO MUSIC]
Would you not rather read
that in the break room?
Bit more peaceful in here.
Did I ever tell you that I used to paint?
No.
Wasn't bad at it either.
I've a cousin
that'd be on my mother side.
Be a good bit older than me.
He used to do that sort of thing.
Be off in different parts of the world.
Haven't spoken to him in an age.
I think he has a family at this stage.
Father used to say he
was mad, mad altogether.
No money in it, he said.
Sure there's no money
in anything these days
No money in it.
He was a tough man, my father.
It's a different generation.
Great footballer in his day mind.
Mighty footballer altogether.
Not much time for anything else.
Do you have any
recommendations for these tapes?
They're all much the same to me.
You'd never get a kind word out of him.
Always shouting and roaring at you.
But sure I couldn't think
straight back then you know.
They don't do that with children now
I'd say it's against the law is it?
Shouting?
All that kind of craic.
There's a lot more polices...
I wonder is it any better?
Thanks, John.
[DURHAM
- YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO HAVE A FIVER I COULD BORROW?]
[ANDREW
- I'VE GOT A FOUR AND A SIX]
[DURHAM
- SIX IS GRAND]
There's no need for you to
worry about that complaint.
You were right about Chris, he was working.
Comedian.
I found his humour
quite disarming actually.
Almost tempted to let him off
but it's not my decision to make.
And we certainly couldn't
afford to lose another teacher.
Can I just ask, what
happened to the last teacher?
He was savagely beaten.
By who?
I'd rather not get in to
it I'm sure you understand.
Look, there are some concerns that
your class is no longer viable.
If we were to let you go at this point
your competence as an educator
would reflect poorly on us.
Really, we're trying to
downplay that the class...
that it... ever really
existed in the first place.
You'd still be with us.
Look, what I'm suggesting is
that we find you another title
another role here so that
we can all move past this.
Keep our heads above water.
I can't just leave?
Well if you were to leave you
wouldn't be able to claim welfare.
Now I'm sure comedy is fun but not
enough to pay the cost of living.
Well...
...That wasn't a question.
What do you say Andrew?
Is that a question?
There's that famous Egan wit.
Congratulations.
What?
I'll show you to your new desk.
"This is you."
"Just input the paper
files into the computer."
"You can take things at your own pace"
"but those first twelve boxes will have
to be finished by the end of the day."
You'll be fine
once you know your place.
[WIND BLOWING]
[BUILDING GROANS]
[BUILDING GROANS]
I never heard her say
a bad word about anyone.
That being said, I never heard
her say a good word about anyone.
Actually, I never heard Helen
Keller say a word about anyone.
OK
Speaking of Helen Keller.
Helen Keller once wrote
that security
is a superstition.
That life should be an adventure
or it's nothing at all.
Although, it's pretty easy for her to say
she was probably handed everything.
What the fuck. Jesus.
I finally did it. I reached one
hundred thousand subscribers.
I cannot tell you enough
how much this means to me.
CHRIS: I couldn't have made it
this far without all of your help.
CHRIS: The dream has
finally become a reality.
CHRIS: This has been the best year
of my life and it's all thanks to you.
Well first of all can I just
say, my mam is super proud of me.
CHRIS: But I don't stop
here. I move forward.
CHRIS: Up and on.
CHRIS: That's what I'd say to
everyone struggling out there.
CHRIS: Just look at me.
CHRIS: If I can do it, so can you.
CHRIS: Follow your dreams
and watch where they lead.
CHRIS: Say yes and look to the future.
CHRIS: Be who you were meant to be.
CHRIS: This is Chris Mulhern
CHRIS: signing off.
Thanks for joining me
on this adventure so far.
RADIO PSYCHIC: "...live
full and happy lives."
RADIO PSYCHIC: "But only if they're
found and returned to their families."
RADIO PSYCHIC: "Nuala, I'm here
to help you. Give me more details."
NUALA: "Well, his name is Padraic."
NUALA: "Padraic Conneely."
NUALA: "He was up
playing at the old quarry"
NUALA: "I work during the day
so I leave him there to play."
NUALA: "I came back there"
NUALA: "and he wasn't back and I was worried
and I went looking but I couldn't find him."
RADIO PSYCHIC: "Nuala, Nuala. I'm going
to stop you there, you're rambling."
RADIO PSYCHIC: "You're hysterical."
CHRIS: "It just started with
me making videos in my room."
CHRIS: "and just kind of
spiraled into a career basically."
CHRIS: "Some things just come naturally to
some people. Comedy comes naturally to me."
RADIO DJ: "It certainly does and I've been told
that you have your first DVD in shops from today."
RADIO DJ: "It's a stand-up DVD and
it's called, 'Chris Mulhern ..."
CHRIS: "...Not For Everyone'"
RADIO DJ: "Great title. I loved it."
RADIO DJ: "As someone who has kept
track of your fledgling career to date"
RADIO DJ: "I can't help but feel your
comedy has grown so much in this past year."
CHRIS: "I'm a comedian, yes."
CHRIS: "But I'm also a
social commentator as well."
CHRIS: "I'm trying to address the
nation, I'm trying to address the issues."
RADIO DJ: "Yes and I think that's why
people have taken so much notice lately."
RADIO DJ: "I mean of
course the videos are funny"
RADIO DJ: "but people are saying, and
rightly so, that this Chris Mulhern"
RADIO DJ: "he's not just a clown,
he could be a serious performer."
RADIO DJ: "You must be taking a lot of
meetings. What does the future hold?"
CHRIS: "You know without
getting too ahead of myself"
CHRIS: "five year plan"
CHRIS: "I could see myself with a
Best Actor Oscar at the end of it."
[BUILDING GROANS]
I'm going to sit down.
They call it stand up but
that's not what matters.
It's the comedy.
And I know what you're thinking
- I can't guarantee laughs.
I mightn't even try.
And I'd be worried too but
you don't have to worry about me.
I promise.
Choice.
Choice is the enemy.
That's where all my life goes wrong.
I mean, whose bright idea was it to have me
take responsibility for my own life.
Exactly.
I didn't agree to that.
And I don't really need the pressures of
all these ideas that we have about ourselves
I think the rest of the world does a good
enough job of doing that for us anyway.
All these expectations that need
to be filled without us realising.
I'm serious.
Well, I'm joking
but I'm serious.
Career by twenty-five, marriage by thirty
two kids and then what?
No one knows
and no one can tell you
because that
is as far as they got.
All those people who want to tell you
exactly how you should live your life
they were just as confused as you are when
they thought they had it all figured out.
And that's when you know the
true meaning of friendship.
When you can both bond
over that deep
deep
emptiness
that makes you cry when
you're alone in public spaces.
Thank you.
I'm Andrew Egan.
[NON-EXISTENT AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
Thank you.
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me.
Thank you so much.
It's really funny you know
because I actually used to be a teacher.
Yeah, I used to teach for awhile.
I mean this was a long time ago
But uh...
I remember... well
I remember I wanted to give it all up.
The teaching that is, not the comedy.
I don't think anyone would really
care if I didn't show up to teach.
In fact I think people generally
prefer when I'm not around anyway.
They seem to enjoy
themselves an awful lot more.
Which is a real cross
to bear as a comedian.
But seriously, you know how it is yourself.
It's a vocation.
It's something you have to do.
You don't have a choice really.
You can't just shake it off you know.
You just got to make it work.
Just keep on keeping on.
That's what I'd say.
Just keep working at it.
Just keep doing what you're doing
because it has to work.
Has to.
What else is there?
[MUFFLED GUNSHOT]
[TENSE PIANO MUSIC]
[TENSE PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]
[PHONE RINGS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[GASPING FOR BREATH]
What happened?
[BATTERY OPERATED FISH
- DISTORTED GIBBERISH]
"Andrew?"
[DARK, AMBIENT MUSIC]
John.
I think we need to get help for Jerry.
Jerry fucking Durham.
I've seen bigger men on
the top of a wedding cake.
I used to be good at something
but I can't do that anymore.
What use am I?
What use am I, Andrew?
What purpose do I have?
There isn't any.
They've told me.
I hear them.
They've told me.
I'm listening.
I hope they're happy.
It's going to be OK.
It was never OK.
Tell me a joke.
I can't think of any.
Please, Andrew.
A man...
A dog...
Go on.
A talking dog
walks into a social welfare office
and goes up to the counter
and says to the person
"Hello..."
"I'm looking for some work"
And the woman says
"Wow..."
"A talking dog. Amazing."
"It should be no trouble at all"
"Have you tried the circus?"
And the dog
looks at her and says
The circus?
What would I want with the circus?
I'm an electrician.
I don't care what they say.
I think you are funny.
"Andrew Egan."
OK Andrew did you fill out the form?
I've already filled this out.
We don't have any record of that.
I've already done it.
Could you?
Yeah.
Sure.
Tell me Andrew have you
been looking for work?
"If it's not one thing it's another.
Drive yourself mad thinking about it."
And so we come to the end.
Now is a time to reflect on our discoveries
and take stock of what is really important.
I trust you are further on your
way to achieving your goals.
It was my pleasure to
guide you on this journey
and I wish you all the best
in your future endeavors.
Goodbye and thanks for listening.