Long Haired Businessmen (2026) Movie Script

1
(BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
KYLE: I actually wanted
to grab the both of you
because I wasn't
looped in on this, actually.
SETH: I'm glad
you brought that up
because I've been wanting
to bend your ear on Q3.
KEVIN: Well, here's the thing,
we're punting on Q3.
SETH: Right,
we're one-to-one.
KYLE: Absolutely,
and I think we need
more of a Q2 mindset,
to be honest.
SETH: The mindset is,
we're not touching base.
That means we're not
circling the wagons
-and we're not getting...
-KYLE: And we're not looped in.
-That's...
-SETH: And that's a problem.
-Of course we can't...
-KYLE: Get our ducks in a row.
SETH: And be
on the same page.
KYLE: I was gonna say,
be on the same page.
SETH: Have you seen
these Tucson numbers?
KYLE: Is it just me
or are they constantly
out of pocket
with these auto-replies...
Yeah, I mean, I get that
it's a beach town over there.
-Right.
-But some of us are trying to get some work done.
-(KNOCK ON DOOR)
-Absolutely.
Oh, hi, Martin.
Come on in.
SETH: Martin,
good to see ya.
Thanks for making
the time, Martin.
-Good to see you guys.
-How are ya?
-Have a seat.
-Oh. Thank you.
(ALL CLEARING THROATS)
-KYLE: So...
-So, yeah, Martin.
Um, how was
your weekend?
-Hey, not long enough, right?
-(LAUGHTER)
Definitely could have
been longer, yeah.
-I hear that. Loud and clear.
-Definitely.
-Loud and clear.
-Definitely.
Um...
(SMACKS LIPS)
So, Martin,
how long have you been with us now?
Well, since before you
guys were even around,
so, long time.
Do you ever feel
like maybe it's time
to hang up your horse and
float off into the sunrise?
No, I think I have a lot
of good years left in me.
-Oh, no. Okay.
-KYLE: Hmm. Hmm.
(ALL QUIETLY MUTTERING)
You know,
Martin, this is
easily my least favorite
part of the job,
which is why I'm actually
gonna throw it over to Kevin.
Kev, you wanna take this?
Um, yeah.
Martin, as your team
leaders, it falls on us
to let you know
things like this.
And we've been
talking about it,
people upstairs
have been talking about it
and the fact is
that we are
kind of gonna
have to let you go.
You're... you're firing me?
-Well...
-Well...
We don't like to use
the F-word around here,
but, yes.
At least
for the time being,
we are gonna be
letting you go
on a permanent
sort of basis.
KEVIN: Just that you're
an old-school guy, Martin,
and it's a rapidly changing
climate out there.
-SETH: Mm-hmm.
-Business-wise.
I don't like to get
involved with politics.
No, that's not
what we're about.
-KEVIN: I don't even vote.
-SETH: Me neither.
KYLE: I hate voting.
Unfortunately though, Martin,
we are gonna
have to ask you
to pack up your stuff.
Janice will be by
to snip your ID lanyard.
KEVIN: And, Martin, if you have any
grandchildren you need to pick you up,
it's best to text them.
Young people don't do
voice calls anymore.
MARTIN: I don't
have any family.
And I'm capable of
showing myself out.
Hey, that's the spirit.
Experience never
gets old.
-Absolutely.
-KYLE: Who said that, De Niro?
No, I actually think
that one was Pacino.
Pacino was my first
guess, but you're right.
You know, for the record,
I don't think
I deserve to be let go.
I do more to streamline
things around here
than most of those
younger guys combined.
Now, wait a second,
what's going on in here?
-Because I think...
-Drill down on that, Martin.
And don't be afraid
to get granular.
Well, for example,
I got all our ducks in
a row on the Q3 numbers.
That's true,
you do have a strong work ethic.
Even stronger handshake.
-I'm still recovering over here, Martin.
-Yeah, ouch.
You know, I like
what he's doing.
-Yeah.
-Because I didn't expect it.
KYLE:
Should we reverse course?
Martin, I think I speak
for all of us when I say
we'd love to offer you
your job back.
KEVIN: With
a considerable promotion
and a lot more
responsibility.
From now on, you'll have a full
Tiger Team working below you.
You've really proven your
stripes here, Martin,
and I'd like to be the
first to welcome you back
to "The Nuthouse,"
-as we like to call it.
-(LAUGHTER)
KEVIN: You don't have
to be crazy to work here,
but it helps.
KYLE: Absolutely.
KEVIN: Seriously, Martin,
welcome back.
-KYLE: Welcome back.
-SETH: Pleasure to have you back.
-MARTIN: Oh wow.
-KEVIN: Look forward to working with you.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)
(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)
(INAUDIBLE)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
KEVIN: Quiet down now,
all right?
(OVER PHONE)
All right, you got Val here.
-Let's do this.
-Hey, Val, you got Kevin here.
And you got Kyle, Val.
Hey Val, it's Seth.
-Matt S. here.
-(TEAM MEMBER GROANS)
And Regular Matt.
(ON VIDEO CALL)
Hey, it's Brendan.
(ON VIDEO CALL)
And Mike.
Sean here.
Tyler here.
David F. here.
Carl here.
Brett here.
Dustin here.
(CLEARS THROAT ON CALL)
Ross here.
Troy here.
-(INAUDIBLE)
-KYLE: Unmute, Jake.
-Can't hear you, Jake.
-SETH: Can't hear you.
Yeah, it looks like we're
just waiting on Mark.
Trying to sign on
with his iPad 2 again, Val.
-(ALL LAUGHING)
-Good luck.
-TEAM MEMBER: Yeah, right.
-Oh, classic Mark.
VAL: Okay, thanks for huddling
up on short notice, gang.
I know we're cutting
into lunch here, okay?
So go ahead
and save your receipts
and we'll reimburse for
50% off any salad or sandwich.
-Wow.
-(ALL EXCLAIM EXCITEDLY)
Are you sure
about that, Val?
SETH:
You're spoiling us, Val.
I saw a receipt in the
trash the other day.
Thanks. Seriously, thanks.
VAL: Anything for my boys,
you know that.
And you got
Martin here too, Val.
VAL: Sorry, w... Martin?
Kevin, Kyle, Seth,
I thought we discussed this.
Uh...
Actually, Martin,
unfortunately,
we are gonna have to let you go.
But you just promoted me.
And with that comes a much
more handsome severance package
than you would've gotten.
-It's a good deal.
-KYLE: I'm jealous, frankly.
With a deal like that,
I'd actually prefer to be severed.
VAL: Sorry to do it
like this, Martin.
Evidently, my team leaders and
I weren't on the same page.
Val, I just wanna jump in
and say we honor you
and we promise to keep you
looped in, uh, in the future.
-KEVIN: It'll never happen again, Val.
-KYLE: Absolutely.
VAL: That's all I ask.
-SETH: Okay.
-KEVIN: Oof.
So, uh, Val,
inquiring minds wanna know
how was the long weekend
up at the cabin?
VAL: Hey, not long enough,
am I right?
-(ALL LAUGHING)
-Absolutely.
VAL: Jacob knows
what I'm talkin' about.
Never long enough.
VAL: Anyway,
I just wanted to gather
the geese here real quick
to announce some news.
As you know, we've been
battling budget issues
since Mark's iPad
was cutting-edge tech.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Good one, Val.
You hear that, Mark?
-KEVIN: Good one, Val.
-SETH: Nice one, Val.
KYLE: He didn't hear it.
VAL: That's why
I'm happy to announce
that we have officially been
acquired by The Torrence Firm.
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
-(ALL MURMURING)
-(MUTE BUTTON BEEPS)
-One sec, Val.
Did you know about this?
Regular Matt,
did you know about this?
No, I'm on all the emails,
I didn't see that.
Not in the body
of the emails?
MATT: Not in the body,
not the subject,
not even as an attachment.
-(UNMUTE BEEPS)
-Um, Val, just, uh, just jumping in here
'cause we didn't see
anything about this
in the bodies
of our emails,
are we talking
the Marshall Torrence?
VAL: Yup, from
Forbes' "70 under 70"
2016 through 2019.
-And 2021.
-VAL: That's right, Kyle.
But don't worry, not much
will change around here.
Though Torrence
will be installing
some new tech
on your machines,
but who couldn't use an upgrade
from these dinosaur boxes
some of us are
working on, am I right?
-(ALL CHUCKLING)
-Ding, ding, ding.
Hey, listen,
this dino may be old,
but it'll bite your ass.
It's got big teeth.
VAL: Well, Kevin, Kyle, Seth,
I set up a meeting for you
tomorrow with Marshall Torrence.
Nothing to worry about,
just a quick meet and greet
so he can put faces to names.
-Definitely.
-KYLE: We're lovin' it, Val.
-McDonald's.
-VAL: All right.
Good stuff, team.
I'm gonna jump off.
Cocktail hour calls.
Five o'clock
somewhere, right?
-(ALL LAUGHING)
-Us too, Val.
-We love drinking.
-Definitely us.
-VAL: All right.
-That was great.
-KYLE: No need to be scared.
-Hakuna matata.
Okay, gang. All right.
Conference Room Brown,
five minutes.
You know, I didn't wanna say
anything in front of the whole team,
but acquisitions
lead to reorgs.
And reorgs
lead to reshufflings.
Which lead to retooling,
realignments,
-reassignments.
-(SPRAYING)
SETH: I hate to say it,
fellas,
but we could be looking
at the ultimate R-word here.
I know what you mean,
but you say it first.
-A "RIF."
-Reduction in force.
-SETH: Mm-hmm.
-Now what were you thinking?
-Yeah, no, RIF.
-(KYLE SIGHS)
And you're right.
If and when
head starts to roll,
we need to prove
to Torrence that we,
-the three team leaders...
-(TOILER FLUSHING)
-Shh, shh, shh.
-Shut up.
-Guys, what's up?
-KYLE: How are ya?
SETH: How's it going,
Regular Matt?
Pre... Pretty crazy day.
(LAUGHING)
-KYLE: Yeah, right? Yeah.
-See you out there, man.
-REGULAR MATT: I'll see you out there.
-See ya.
(DOOR CLOSES)
What the hell did he
mean by crazy day?
Did he hear us?
Torrence might already
have a mole in the office.
All right, the walls
have ears in here, fellas.
Let's circle back after work
at a more secure location.
AUTOMATED VOICE: (OVER SPEAKER) Giddyap.
Ride that turtle, boy.
SETH: That all you got?
Come on.
I got this!
(SCREAMS)
-(BODY THUDS)
-AUTOMATED VOICE: You fell down.
(LAUGHTER)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Insert credit card.
Freakin' thing sucks!
I had that green filly
on the ropes,
now I owe those college guys
a bucket of Coronas.
You know what?
I'm gonna hit the turtle.
Go get it.
KYLE: Darius,
bucket of Coronitas for
the gentlemen over there.
Hey, Darius. Darius.
Don't give 'em any limes.
-Thank you.
-Thanks, Darius.
(SIGHS) You know,
I have to admit,
I'm a little jealous
of Kev's family life.
I wish I had someone
to carry on my legacy.
How's the single scene
treating you?
Well, it's a bear market
out there.
I'm trying to find a woman who
wants a son as much as I do.
Have you considered adoption?
No, it has to be my seed.
I just don't think
I could ever love anything
that doesn't look like me
or share my DNA.
(KEVIN GASPS)
-KYLE: I hear ya. Cheers.
-Cheers.
-(SIGHS) Twenty-five seconds.
-Nice.
So, how are you feeling about
this Torrence meeting tomorrow?
Guy's gonna be
a tough nut to crack.
Honestly, I think
the old bastard will love us.
I mean, think about
how those Rochester young guns
run their branch.
I hear they're working
remotely half the time.
(SCOFFS) "Work-life balance."
-(KYLE GRUNTS)
-AUTOMATED VOICE: You fell down.
By the way,
you're looking sharp.
-Is that JCPenney?
-JCPenney.
(GRUNTS) I think
that thing's broken.
Wait, the cup
or the turtle?
Well, both now, actually.
By the way, you guys know
I love Val to death. Right?
Of course. None of us
would be here without Val.
Nobody works harder
or plays harder than Val.
-Absolutely.
-KEVIN: Love her.
KYLE: Total legend.
I'm just starting
to think tomorrow
instead of just going in
there and kissing the ring,
maybe we actually give
Torrence the full-court press.
Yeah,
I couldn't agree more.
It's a doggy-dogg
world, after all.
Hmm. Now, is it
a doggy-dogg or dog...
Doggy dog.
I think Val will actually be
impressed we took the initiative.
Absolutely.
Ah, shoot.
I'm late for mediation.
How is
the divorce going?
Good. Really well.
I've definitely got
Marissa on the ropes.
FRAN: Okay, that takes care
of the joint checking account.
(SIGHS) The next matter
to discuss is the house.
-My house.
-MARISSA: Oh, please.
I bought the house before we even
met, and you know it.
Fran,
I fortified that house
with sweat equity
and speaker equity.
Or are we forgetting about
the Sonos multi-room system?
The Sonos seems to be
a major sticking point
for you, Kyle.
Fran, it's well documented
that I was the tip of the spear
on the Sonos implementation.
Because you
installed the soundbar?
No, but I built
key relationships
with the Geek Squad guys
who did.
And all due respect, Fran,
Sonos is more than a soundbar.
All he cares
about is the Sonos.
-That's all you care about.
-Is she allowed to say that?
You pay more attention to
these expensive status symbols
than you ever did
to our marriage.
-Okay.
-The massage gun,
the massage chair,
the massage bed.
KYLE: Is this a crime?
I mean, last I checked,
this is America.
It's not a crime,
but I've been paying for it.
First of all,
I know a lot of the guys
down at Sharper Image,
and I'm sort of getting us insider
deals on a lot of these things,
so whose credit card
it goes on,
-I don't think is really...
-I pay it.
It goes on mine.
I pay it.
Okay, I, I think we need
to lower the temperature
a bit.
Let's all take
a mindful breath, hmm?
-(FRAN INHALES DEEPLY)
-(KYLE INHALES)
-(MARISSA INHALES AND EXHALES)
-(FRAN EXHALES)
Kyle, I understand you're still
living in the marital home, correct?
Sustained.
You can just say
correct or yes.
Indeed.
Since the home was purchased
prior to the marriage,
and it is in Marissa's name,
state law says
she has the right
to make you vacate
the premises.
Marissa, is this
how you wish to proceed?
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS)
(YELLING)
Where's the subwoofer cable?
(DOG BARKING)
-(RATTLING HANDLE)
-Damn it!
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
(COMMENTATOR SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON TV)
CHILD: (MUFFLED) Mia!
(CHILD BABBLING, MUFFLED)
(SCREAMS)
(BABY BAWLING)
Hey, Trish,
could you add extra salt
to the stir fry tonight?
I had a bland lunch.
Daddy, stop working.
Do the muffin dance with me.
I can't, sweetie,
work's been a real bear.
And daddies
only dance at weddings.
-(CABLE CRUNCHES)
-Oh!
Mia, what's the number-one
rule when Daddy's working?
Never unplug his laptop.
Why?
Because it can
no longer hold a charge.
KEVIN: That's right.
Dad, you said you'd
help me with my homework.
Oh, we're gonna have
to put a pin in that, Emma.
I'm meeting with Marshall
Torrence tomorrow.
He's a very important man.
-Forbes' "70 under 70".
-KEVIN: Mm-hmm.
I really wanna help,
it's just my bandwidth's
a little tight right now.
But I have to write a report on
what you and Mom do for work,
and all I know is
that you work with ducks.
No, sweetie,
team leaders help people
get their ducks in a row.
Can girls be
team leaders too?
Of course they can.
(POIGNANT PIANO NOTES PLAYING)
Listen, Emma.
I don't know
what it's like to be a girl.
I heard it sucks.
But one thing I do know
is that you've blessed me
with the chance
to be a girl dad.
-Just like...
-Kobe.
Just like Kobe,
that's right.
And as a certified girl dad,
there's nothing more important
to me than my girls.
-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
-Mia!
Don't touch that AC adapter,
it's pipin' hot!
-DJ: Welcome to Club Chaos.
-(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
You're beautiful.
But beauty is common.
What else do you have to offer?
Are those circus performers
your friends?
SETH: Actually,
they're artists.
-Pickup artists.
-RACHEL: Oh, wow.
Like from 2005?
Yeah. And now.
Okay, cool.
Um... Well, have fun.
Okay, cool, I will,
and you as well.
(TECHNO MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
I don't know, Merlin,
Makeout.
This whole
pickup artist thing,
it just might not be for me.
You're right.
It's not for you.
It's not for Seth anyway.
Henceforth,
you are no longer Seth.
You are, hocus-pocus,
daliogus... Mumford.
That's right, it's Mumford.
Now get used to it because
it's gonna make a difference.
-All right. Okay.
-Now get back out there.
-Go do it.
-Ow. Ow, ow.
-(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
-Hey.
I didn't get a chance
to introduce myself earlier.
My name's Mumford
and I'm hoping to have a son.
Like the band?
-Like what?
-Like the band?
-Like what?
-(LAUGHS)
You're kinda funny.
I'm Rachel and I wanna
have a family someday too.
-Oh, that's great.
-RACHEL: Yeah.
SETH: Sounds like
we're aligned on that
-and on the same page.
-Yeah.
So happy
we touched base about it.
Me too.
DJ: It's 2:00 a.m.,
that means the chaos is over.
Pack your things, everybody.
-Hey, Mumford.
-Oh.
We're gonna meet up
with Monster and Mogadishu
over at the Golden Corral
if you wanna join.
We're gonna use
Merlin's senior discount.
And it's Tuesday,
so they got pot roast.
Oh, thanks for
the invite, Makeout,
but, uh, I got a big day
ahead of me tomorrow.
Plus I got Rachel's number so I
think I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead.
-MAKEOUT: Way to go.
-I know, right?
-So proud of you.
-Yeah. Thanks, man.
-I like that news.
-SETH: Yep.
Oh, Mum,
don't forget to hit me
with payment for
tonight's wooing consult.
Just $1,200 on Venmo.
@Flirt2Squirt.
SETH: Flirt to what?
(LOWERS VOICE) Flirt2Squirt.
(MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
SETH: These facilities
are amazing.
I can't... I've never seen
facilities like this.
I like the style over there.
Gentlemen.
Thanks for coming in.
Pleasure to meet you.
Kyle.
Hi, Kyle. I'm Kevin.
-Kyle Kevin?
-Oh, I'm just Kevin.
All right. And your, uh,
K-name would be?
Yeah, it's Mumford...
Or it's Seth.
Oh, okay. All right.
Sorry, the door
goes in and out.
-It does. It's...
-So I was just making sure it was properly...
-It's a double door.
-I'm Seth.
Any, uh, any trouble getting
into the parking structure?
-Oh, not at all.
-It was a dream, actually.
We were, we were
actually just commenting
on what excellent
facilities you have here.
Absolutely.
Including the restrooms.
Really excellent urinals.
Can I ask you,
are they waterless?
Oh, yeah,
we like to keep it dry.
-(ALL CHUCKLING)
-Don't we all?
-TERRENCE: Absolutely.
-Love it. Love it.
-Don't, uh d...
-Not sure if that's wood or...
It's obviously marble.
And I was gonna say,
is that marble?
It's Italian marble.
SETH: Did Italians
invent marble?
-You're thinking of pasta.
-Absolutely.
And pizz...
pizza and ravioli...
-All right, enough about the Italians.
-Sure, yeah.
Listen, I hope you boys
weren't, uh, thrown
by the acquisition news.
I swear to you, we here at
The Torrence Firm do not bite.
-(CHOMPS AND CHUCKLES)
-Not at all.
-You know, uh, we were...
-We've never thought that.
We were thrilled, actually,
to receive the news.
Yeah, I mean, Mr. Torrence,
we've been big fans of yours.
And don't you worry, sir.
I mean, we're a steady group.
We could never be thrown.
-Is that so?
-KEVIN: Absolutely.
You won't catch our panties
in a bunch over here, sir.
We're rock solid.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Funny you should mention that.
My wife got me
these new, uh, boxers
and they're really
chafing up on me today.
Oh, no.
You know, I had the same
experience with boxers
until I said enough's enough
and I threw 'em all away.
-What do you wear now?
-I wear briefs.
-And how do you like 'em?
-KEVIN: They're great.
Uh, they're supportive,
they're breathable.
You know, they're standard
white briefs, JCPenney.
Show me.
(CHUCKLES)
Sh...
No, show me your briefs,
I wanna see what they look like.
-I would show him.
-KYLE: Go ahead.
Oh, right, right now?
Yeah. Show me.
-He's being serious. Show him.
-No, absolutely. Absolutely.
Probably wanna stand up,
drop your trousers there.
I wanna get a good gander.
-KEVIN: Sure.
-KYLE: Good idea.
-Um...
-Take 'em down, Kev.
KEVIN: Okay.
I want you to make sure
you can see.
TORRENCE: Uh-huh.
(TORRENCE MUMBLES)
Okay, just do a quick 180.
I wanna see
how they hang off the rear.
Yeah, lift that jacket too,
I wanna see the waistband.
-SETH: I got it.
-TORRENCE: Yeah, all the way up. There you go.
-KYLE: Let him see.
-TORRENCE: Hmm.
Yeah, it's nice.
Smooth, doesn't double over.
I like it.
Call me crazy...
but I think I can see him
in a size smaller.
That's interesting
'cause we've actually
been saying that internally.
-Yeah.
-We've been saying that.
Just do a little
walk around the room.
-Let me see how that looks.
-I'd like to see that too.
SETH: See.
That's interesting.
KYLE: I like what
he's doing there.
Yep, yep. I'm right.
Actually, Mr. Torrence,
did you want us
to take our pants off
as well?
'Cause we're happy
to jump in.
-We'd be honored to show you our underwears.
-No.
Yeah, guys, he just
wants me to show him.
We're done with that now,
so you can yank 'em up.
-KEVIN: Oh, sure. Um...
-Yank 'em up, Kev.
TORRENCE: All right,
let's get down to brass tacks.
I'm just putting, uh,
faces to names,
getting to know my team
leaders and middle management.
I've been in
Toledo, Tucson, Rochester.
Oh, Kyle. (LAUGHS)
Let's double click
on that eye roll there.
What do you know?
What'd you hear?
Well, you know, it's just
the Rochester office,
it's, uh, it's a bit
of a clown show.
A traveling circus
over there, sir.
Those Rochester young guns,
they'd rather work from home.
KYLE: Take off early on Fridays,
you know, that sort of thing.
TORRENCE: Kevin, you're
a little quiet over there.
Do you agree?
Oh, uh...
(CLEARS THROAT) yeah.
Uh, they don't do things
the old-school way like us.
Uh, not that we're old.
KYLE: We're actually
the perfect age.
-KEVIN: We are.
-SETH: And so are you.
-Yeah, you're a great age.
-How old do you think I am?
-Uh... (SCOFFS)
-SETH: Yeah.
Well, I don't know, um...
-Forties.
-Uh... Six... Sixteen...
-I was gonna say forties.
-KEVIN: Forties, yeah.
Are you our age?
-Right.
-Probably grew up on the same...
KEVIN: Yeah, we kind of have
the same references.
-Listen to the same songs.
-Eat the same foods.
-And...
-Trends, too.
-KEVIN: Uh, different trends.
-KYLE: Right.
Well, I think
this meeting's over.
Oh, that's it?
Oh. Yeah... Okay.
Yeah, the-the pleasure...
pleasure's all ours.
-TORRENCE: Right, thanks, guys.
-Yep.
Uh, Linda will, uh,
show you out.
It gets a little tricky
exiting that parking structure.
-Oh, no.
-And, uh, thanks again, guys,
for the Rochester heads-up.
And I kinda felt like
it was the right time
-to end the meeting as well.
-Yeah, yeah.
-So, good instinct on that.
-Actually great...
KYLE: And, you know, if you need
to circle back just go right to me.
Or you can ping me and I can
kinda touch base with Kyle.
And you can just
kinda circumvent them...
-(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
-KYLE: Again, just reach out anytime.
Yeah, you got our numbers.
-That was a really great meeting.
-Really great...
Shut the fuckin' door.
-KYLE: Absolutely.
-SETH: Absolutely.
I gotta close
the door over here.
'Cause I know
it goes both ways, so...
I thought that went great.
Yeah, I think so.
You could tell
he loved us
by the way he kept
looking us up and down.
Oh, yeah.
He liked what he saw.
Nice job, buddy.
Kev, come on,
don't think about it.
-KYLE: Come on, Kev.
-Yeah, yeah.
We did good.
We did good.
You blew it.
Val, we honor you.
We never meant
to rock the boat, Val.
I actually did not
want to do what I did.
That was supposed
to be a meet and greet.
Instead, you go rogue
and throw the entire Rochester
office under the bus?
Val, we can assure you,
we never meant
to be fire-starters.
We thought
you'd be impressed
we grabbed the bull
by the horns.
The plan was to
kiss the ring
and present a united front.
Instead, you sucked the ding
and made me look like a dong.
-Don't say that about yourself.
-You're not a dong.
-You're not a dong.
-Could never be a dong.
And what is this
that I hear
about you taking
your pants down, Kevin?
Well, uh...
(CLEARS THROAT)
...Mr. Torrence
wanted my, uh, advice
on best practices
vis-a-vis underpants.
So, yeah,
I dropped trou.
VAL: (GROANS) If I were
still running the show,
we wouldn't be
going down this road.
But thanks to you guys boiling
the ocean on Rochester,
Torrence has announced
a reorg.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
-Reorg?
-Reorg?
That's one of the
biggest R-words there is.
Hey, if I know
Mr. Torrence,
and I do,
you know, intimately,
he's just throwing spaghetti at the
wall, seeing what sticks.
Well, this bolognese
is pretty damn sticky, boys.
Torrence already shuttered
the Rochester office.
The displaced team members
are moving in as we speak.
Wait, the young guns?
They're here now?
(PEOPLE LAUGHING IN DISTANCE)
(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)
Yeah, let's go
I'm on a roll,
Watch me roll
Money so free,
It could fall
Feeling myself,
Strike a pose
Pose, pose
I'm blowing money fast
Feel like a superstar
Riding a fancy car,
Skrrt, skrrt...
Hey, is now a good time?
VAL: Guys,
meet Noah, Byrd, and Matteo
from the Rochester office.
We were just wondering
where to set up.
And I'm just wondering
why you're interrupting
-a meeting with Val.
-KEVIN: Yeah.
That's more of
an Ed question anyway, so...
Yeah, that's an Ed question.
But your new team leaders,
Kevin, Kyle, and Seth
will be happy to facilitate.
'Course.
That's okay.
We'll figure it out.
They should really be
looping in Ed on this.
-Yeah, Ed should be looped in.
-This is an Ed...
Val, that is
an Ed question.
Yeah. You know Ed,
he's a good guy.
Guys, all of this
could have been avoided
if only you'd looped me in.
Should we offer
to fall on our swords?
Commit seppuku?
I mean, I'll kill
myself right now.
We should
kill ourselves.
Torrence has tasked you three
with getting your guys
and the Rochester young guns
on the same page.
This is your chance
to right the ship.
All right, I'll be reachable
at the cabin if you need me.
After today, I'm gonna
need a stiff deck chair
and a cold shandy, or six.
(SNICKERS)
-(CHUCKLING)
-I hear you, Val.
-Definitely, Val.
-Nice one, Val.
Five o'clock
somewhere, right?
I'm actually
gonna go grab Ed.
-Talk to Ed.
-Actually, if you can find him.
Ed, I can never find him.
-I haven't seen Ed in weeks.
-KYLE: There he is.
KEVIN: Oh.
(PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING
ON CELL PHONE)
Oh, I have
already seen that.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)
-But it is funny.
-Okay, but I'll send it to you.
-Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!
-What are you doing?
-Stop!
-Don't hit them.
-I was just...
I would never strike
a child...
Colleague. Ugh. Kyle?
Noah, right?
First of all, love the Ark.
We just wanted to say that,
yes, we are your team leaders,
but that doesn't mean
we can't be friends.
-Within reason.
-Around here, we like to say
that we work hard,
but we also play hard.
And we don't know how you did
things back in the Rochester office,
but another saying
we coined is,
"Money talks
and bull crap walks." So...
Sorry, um, we actually
didn't have team leaders
back at Rochester.
We're all equal under Val.
Well, we're also
all equal under Val.
Just the three of us
are a little more equal.
We're sort of the roosters
in this here henhouse,
so you young guns just keep
your beaks out of our corn.
Look, this reorg's been
a big change for us, too.
And as you can see, we're in
really tight quarters here,
so I'm gonna be working
from home as much as possible.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(ECHOING) As much as possible.
As much as possible.
Actually, we're gonna need
boots on the ground
here in the office.
Are you for real?
I mean, we get more
work done at home.
-Also, the bathroom here is kind of a hog's nest.
-(GROUP CHUCKLES)
Well, hogs actually keep
their nests very clean.
And they're smart,
some of them can talk.
All right, if you need to reach
me, just hit me on Sllap. Bye.
-SETH: Sllap?
-Sllap?
What's Sllap?
(LOUD, RAPID CHIMING)
SETH: What is that?
-(CHIMING CONTINUES)
-What is that sound?
You there, boy,
what's going on?
Kickoff meeting with
Marshall Torrence ASAP.
-Torrence...
-Gang.
-(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
-Let's go! Let's go!
-KYLE: It's not a drill.
-Eyes on me, and then move.
-Follow, follow. Go!
-SETH: Bodies moving forward.
-KEVIN: Move!
-KYLE: Let bodies hit the floor.
KEVIN: Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!
Hey, gang, come on in.
(LAUGHS) Don't be
afraid to push.
Come on now.
Squeeze in there.
All righty.
I really wanted be there in
person for this kickoff meeting,
but because of
my travel schedule,
that won't be possible.
Oh, no.
Or will it?
Oh.
TORRENCE: Please put on
your Marshall Masks now.
(EXCITING MUSIC PLAYING)
(ENERGY WHOOSHING)
Wow.
-KYLE: Oh-ho.
-SETH: All right.
-KEVIN: Nice.
-KYLE: Very cool.
-SETH: It's our windows.
-KYLE: Wow.
These graphics are so crisp.
This has gotta
be at least 1080p.
I feel like Tim Hanks
in the Christmas Express.
-(BRIGHT BEEPING)
-(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm thrilled to welcome you
to the Torrence family
via our Marshall Masks.
These sleek, lightweight masks
allow you to experience
the sights, sounds,
and smells of
a physical meeting.
Because at Torrence,
innovative solutions are...
par for the course.
(EXCITED CHATTER)
EMPLOYEES: (GASPING) Whoa!
-KYLE: Mm-hmm.
-EMPLOYEE: Wow.
That was, like, 400 yards?
(AIR WHOOSHING)
(ALL WHEEZING, GROANING)
So what does this acquisition
mean for you day-to-day?
The main difference
will be Sllap.
You'll now be required to direct all
inter-office communication through Sllap.
No exceptions.
SETH: Oh, no!
Also included
in the Sllap bundle
is our proprietary
AI technology,
SllapGPT,
which will help you
streamline your workflow.
Now, before I...
(METALLIC CLANGING)
-...race on outta here...
-(ALL EXCLAIMING)
-(ENGINE ROARING)
-(HORN HONKING)
-(AIR WHOOSHING)
-(ALL GROANING)
...I just wanted to say,
I know reorgs can be tough.
So if you have
any questions,
feel free to Sllap
your team leaders.
Where are ya?
Kevin.
Kyle.
Seth.
These guys are in charge
of getting you all
on the same page.
(ERROR CHIME PINGING)
TORRENCE: Yeah, no, you're not gonna
wanna move around too much in the masks.
-Oh, and, Kevin...
-KEVIN: Ah?
Listen, I tried those
new underpants you mentioned,
I like 'em.
Only downside is...
the skid marks.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
EMPLOYEES: Ohh!
-EMPLOYEE 1: Whoa.
-EMPLOYEE 2: Oh, wow.
KYLE: Oh... (CHUCKLING)
So cool.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Remove Marshall Masks now.
-Return to rack.
-(ALARM BEEPING)
-(GASPS DEEPLY)
-(RETCHING, COUGHING)
-AUTOMATED VOICE: Return to rack.
-You heard the man.
We're in charge.
Sllap us anytime,
day or night.
-(ALL BREATHING HEAVILY)
-(BEEPING CONTINUES)
(NOAH READING)
-(KYLE READING)
-(KEVIN READING)
(SETH READING)
(KYLE READING)
I thought this might
lighten the mood.
Me, literally.
(BYRD READING)
-(NOAH READING)
-(KYLE READING)
(KEVIN READING)
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
(SIGHS)
So, yeah,
it's like, uh, small tennis.
Yeah, you can kinda just
step up anytime you want.
-(BALL BOUNCING)
-Oh!
It's all right.
I got my own.
(SETH READING)
What do you say? Clam strips,
turtle tricks, bottomless non-craft beer?
I-I don't drink.
Me neither.
So, you're alcoholics?
Yeah, absolutely.
We'll circle back on that.
KEVIN: Can you believe
these young guns?
Noah doesn't even know
who Larry Bird is.
That's a disgrace.
By the way, are you
having IT issues?
I can't download this
attachment for the life of me.
(SENSUAL MOANING ON LAPTOP)
MAKEOUT: (ON LAPTOP)
Aloha, fellow artists,
and welcome
to Thunder Texting:
How To Make Out
With 500 People in 500 Days.
That's a loud machine
you got there.
Did you hear the content?
KEVIN: That's why
you don't run updates.
I've avoided running updates
on this dino box
-since the Bush administration.
-(LAPTOP WHIRRING LOUDLY)
We talking Bush one
or Bush two?
Bush three, actually. Hmm.
(CLIPPER BUZZING)
Just gonna trim
the business donut.
(EXHALES)
(CLIPPER BUZZING)
(WHISTLES)
Has Kyle said anything to you
about all these boxes?
Feels like he might be
living in the office.
SETH: I know he's
getting pummeled
in the divorce proceedings
by his widow.
You mean ex-wife?
Or did she pass?
Either way, I think
she got the house.
I don't know
if he has a place to stay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
-Let's table it.
-Yeah.
You guys don't mind
if I set up
a little
hotpot situation, right?
-(SOFTLY) No.
-Um...
-Yeah, sure, Kyle.
-No.
Whatever you need, man.
-(MOUTHS) Why?
-(CAN RATTLING)
(SPRAY HISSING)
(HISSING CONTINUES)
(MUFFLED VOICE ECHOING)
KEVIN: ...we have to think
about before we kind of
throw it over the wall,
is we need to make sure
that we're keeping our eyes,
you know, dead ahead...
And just to
jump in on that, Byrd,
it's the bodies of your email
that we're concerned about.
They are not
structured correctly.
KYLE: The subject
headings are great.
-Absolutely.
-And we've said... We've...
-I hope we communicated that.
-And use paragraph spacing.
KYLE: It...
it helps us read it.
I don't want
a big block of text.
SETH: Every email needs to
have a signature at the end.
Otherwise people
don't know who it's from.
I love a link, too,
to your website,
or just maybe
your favorite website.
I was able to smooth out
all the Tulsa data yesterday,
so we're actually done
and ready to go.
-Well...
-Well, but with data that robust,
we were looking at
a week-long project, minimum.
I was able to use SllapGPfor the diagnostics
on the output deliverables,
the AI found some inefficiencies,
which I corrected,
and now we're ready to go.
Okay, so just to open the
kimono on all that real quick...
Actually, the work is done,
so this meeting is
finally done, right?
Well, I think
with this new info,
we should at least carve out
some time this afternoon
to sort of air out the kimono
and drop it in the laundry bin.
What about 3:30 pow-wow
in the 900 room?
-Please don't say that.
-What?
Do we really need to invoke
a Native American ceremony
to describe yet another
pointless meeting?
Well, I'm pretty sure
that pow-wow
comes from when someone
says something impressive
in a meeting
and it's like, "Pow,"
and everybody
around them says, "Wow"
because it's so impressive.
-It's pretty basic stuff.
-NOAH: You're missing the point.
The work is done, so we
don't need another meeting.
(ECHOING)
Or any meetings, frankly.
(DRAMATIC TONE PLAYING)
-SETH: Hmm.
-Okay. Um...
Uh...
Let's not get carried away
with the bath water.
How else do you propose
we touch base, genius?
We need meetings to get on
the same page for Chrissakes!
-Am I crazy?
-KYLE: No.
Have I lost
my freaking mind?
KYLE: No, you're not
the problem, Seth.
Oh, my God.
Uh, you know what?
Uh, actually you can have
all the pointless meetings
you want,
the Rochester office
will not be in attendance.
We'll be on Sllap.
Cool? Okay. Bye.
Uh... Well, you know,
first of all, not...
not actually cool.
-Um... They're gone.
-And... bye?
We gotta fire
these young guns, Val.
It's a non-starter, Val.
They won't even
have meetings, Val.
(TOILER FLUSHES)
Sorry, guys,
but that's just not an option.
Look, I probably
shouldn't even mention this,
but off the record,
Torrence is openly wondering
if middle managers like us
are even necessary.
-What?
-Seth.
-Hey, calm it down.
-Sorry. I'm sorry.
We gotta get on the same page
with these young guns,
and we gotta do it quick.
Torrence is coming in
on Monday
for a feedback, focus,
and functioning review.
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
-Oh, no. Triple F.
VAL: That's right.
This Monday we're all
getting triple-F'd.
If everyone is not on
the same page by then...
I can't protect you anymore.
(TOILER FLUSHES)
Um, okay, uh, maybe we should
just continue this later
over shandys at the Turtle?
-KYLE: Yeah.
-Not today, fellas.
Not to... She said...
(CHUCKLING)
I love the way
you're making yourself
at home in there,
Regular Matt.
-(LAUGHS) What's that?
-I said I love the way
-you're making yourself at home in there.
-Whoa. Whoa!
-Calm it down, Seth.
-Easy, easy, easy.
He's the guy that's always
cranking the flush button
whenever we're trying
to conduct business!
You don't want me
to flush?
I don't want you
to do a lot things!
Hey, Regular Matt,
maybe skip the hand wash today, all right?
Seth needs to cool off.
-Shh.
-KYLE: Get him some water.
-Shh.
-Here, it's from the sink.
It's from the sink.
(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
Yah. Come on.
-(GRUNTS)
-(BODY THUDS)
AUTOMATED VOICE: New record.
Thanks for riding me.
Whew! 1:46. Not bad.
Well, at least
this reorg isn't affecting
your turtle time.
I don't know how we're
gonna get on the same page
with these young guns
by Monday.
You know what?
What if we just
go to the state prison,
get a bunch of
violent offenders,
and do sort of
a Scared Straight situation?
Aren't those more for,
like, troubled teens
you know, with priors?
So we frame 'em
for a crime then, you know?
Nothing major, just stealing
Sudafed or something.
Then we let the cons have their
way with them fair and square.
Frankly, I'm just not sure
we have enough chairs
-for something like that.
-Right, the chairs.
My vote is still
for an all-hands meeting.
You know, everyone loves
those, and they're effective.
I don't know,
things feel tense enough
in the office right now.
He's right,
this is bigger than an all-hands.
We gotta take
this one offsite.
-I'm thinking offsite.
-I was actually gonna say offsite.
(LAPTOP CHIMES)
All right,
do a quick web search.
"How to get
on the same page business."
(LAPTOP WHIRRING LOUDLY)
Hmm, what's that one
right there?
"Horizons:
for Human Potential
Optimization."
Whoa. Check out
these facilities.
Can you imagine making
brown in there, Kevin?
KEVIN: Yeah, definitely.
Oh, here's the founder.
A guy named Lodestar.
-KYLE: I like his style.
-KEVIN: I like his face.
Let's pull the trigger.
-(TURTLE RIDER SCREAMS)
-(BODY THUDS)
Nice.
MAGISTRATE:
And what if I were to tell you
that the average human
only uses 10% of their brain,
4% of their hands,
and 9% of their soul?
Now, imagine a world
where every human
used 100% of all of these,
all at the same time
in tandem.
That's what
human potential optimization,
or HPO, is all about.
That's why
it's my deep honor right now
to introduce to you
the man with the highest IQ
in the world
and all of our boyfriend...
(CHUCKLES)
...please rise for Lodestar!
(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(APPLAUSE)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Thank you.
All right, please be seated.
So, let's have a chat
about what's
holding you back as a team.
(SNAPS FINGERS) You.
Uh, okay.
Well, I feel like our
team leaders are bad listeners
and they're
very resistant to change.
And frankly,
they're ignorant.
Wrong.
Okay.
Let's zoom in on that.
Why do you think
they're ignorant?
Well, for one,
they keep insisting
on calling meetings
"pow-wows."
At least we care enough
to show up to work in person.
-KYLE: Mm-hmm.
-LODESTAR: Okay, let's unpack that.
Say that to your teammates.
You all wanna do everything over
Zoom and Sllap all the time.
It makes it hard to ever feel
completely on the same page with you.
And I get that.
Technology is great.
But in-person
connection, yeah?
That is critical for truly
meaningful communications,
which is why Magistrate and I,
we do 30 minutes
of uninterrupted,
close-up eye contact...
(INHALES AND EXHALES)
...at the beginning
of each workday.
And that's why all the
other girls hate me.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) So...
Here at Horizons,
we practice energy combat,
which is a form of no-touch
martial arts invented by me.
No-touch?
Mm-hmm.
If you guys are
gonna truly reach
your full potential as a team,
you're gonna have to be
tapped into the energy field
that surrounds
all living things.
You, attack me.
-Sir?
-I said attack me.
Do what he says, Seth.
-Lodestar chose you.
-LODESTAR: On your feet.
Attack.
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SETH GROANS)
-(LODESTAR GRUNTS)
-(SETH SCREAMS)
(SETH GROANING)
Now, all of you.
(INTENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(INHALES SHARPLY)
(ALL GROANING)
(BLOWS)
Now who wants
to learn that?
-(ALL GROANING)
-Come, I will teach you.
KEVIN: So, a career I love,
wife, kids,
doing all the things
my dad and uncles did.
Just don't understand
why I'm not happy.
(DEVICE WHINING)
What makes you think our
fathers and uncles were happy?
Well, mine all had red noses
and big, jolly bellies
like Santa Claus,
so, I guess I just assumed.
And why do you think
Santa is happy?
Huh.
LODESTAR: Come on,
ducks in a row.
Get your ducks
in a row, everyone.
So far we've talked
a lot about So-nos.
Yeah, it's actually Sonos.
-So-nos.
-Sonos.
So what does So-nos
represent for you?
KYLE: Besides
superior audio quality
and effortless playback
in every room of the car?
I mean, house?
What I'm hearing is
that you really value
the outward appearance
of status and success.
Mm-hmm.
With the abundance
mindset of Horizons,
you will be able to
eliminate all your debt,
own your ex-wife in court,
and never sit on another chair
that doesn't massage.
(WHINING)
That sounds pretty good.
-Yah.
-No, no.
-(SIGHS)
-Put a pin in that.
Santa Claus works
one day a year.
How do you think he spends
the rest of his 364 days?
With his family.
(WHINES)
The elves.
(BYRD GRUNTS)
(SETH YELLS, GRUNTS)
Some for me.
(CHUCKLES)
(MAGISTRATE GRUNTS,
MOANS)
Look, you seem like
nice enough people,
but I don't really
believe in this stuff.
What do you believe in?
Yes. What gets you
going in the morning?
(SIGHS)
I don't know. Beats?
Sorry, beets?
You know, like music.
I make beats.
(WHINING)
Cool.
Tell us about
your beats, Noah.
(YELLS, GROANS)
In order to get on
the same page as others,
we must first
get on the same page
with our shadow selves.
Why is it so important
for you to have a son?
I already told you,
I just feel it's time.
Oh, no!
-LODESTAR: Do your past failures bother you?
-No.
-Do your past failures bother you?
-No.
(LOUDLY) Do your past failures
in life bother you?
-Yes. Yes, all right.
-(DEVICE WHINING)
The reason I want
a son so badly...
Just say it!
My daddy blew away!
He blew away!
When I was seven years old,
I was outside playing
Frisbee with my daddy
when, out of nowhere,
a big gust of wind came
and blew him clean away.
The only way I know
how to heal that hurt
is to have a boy of my own
and make damn well sure
I never blow away on him.
(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Come here.
My daddy blew away, Lodestar.
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
He blew away.
Yeah, I know.
But is it my fault?
No, it is not your fault.
It feels like
I made him blow away.
No. Listen to me.
I won't blow away on you.
Yes. Yes.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, wow.
Kick. High!
Oops. Circle back.
(GRUNTING)
-(LOUD THWACK)
-Whoa!
(LODESTAR LAUGHS)
Congratulations.
-Thank you, Lodestar.
-You did it!
(ALL LAUGHING CHEERFULLY)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
MAGISTRATE:
For exemplifying HPO,
human potential optimization,
to its maximum levels,
you are hereby awarded
our highest honor...
HPO Max.
I now pronounce you...
on the same page!
(ALL CHEERING)
ALL: (CHANTING) Same page!
Same page! Same page! Same page!
-Same page! Same page!
-(ALL LAUGHING)
-SETH: I love you guys.
-KYLE: Mm-hmm, yeah.
No, in fact,
we're so optimized
the news even came by
to interview us.
Yeah, I think
the word's really getting out
about the power of HPO.
So what do you say,
can I put you down
for a full Horizons
weekend package?
Oh, actually,
let's table that.
My colleague,
who is my equal, is here.
They're my priority now.
I just wanted to get your
eyes on these Tulsa numbers.
In Lodestar's name.
We appreciate
your commitment
to getting our ducks
in a row.
-On his beach, we bask.
-ALL: We bask.
We're gonna crush
this Triple-F review.
By Magistrate's hand.
When Torrence gets here,
we're gonna Triple-F him.
(ALL LAUGHING)
-KYLE: Hi. And I see you.
-And hello.
-NOAH: Respect everything about you.
-KYLE: And hello.
And hi there to you.
-SETH: And I see all of you.
-Thank you.
KEVIN: Let's raise up.
(ALL HUMMING)
(HUMMING GROWS COARSE)
(ALL HUFFING)
(ALL HUMMING, HIGH-PITCHED)
-(VAL SIGHS)
-Val, a goddess and a deity.
-VAL: No.
-Val, we bask in your light of love.
Guys, guys,
we have a problem.
SETH: Val, you have
nothing to worry about.
The entire office
is HP-Optimized
-and on the same page.
-Gentlemen.
Have you, uh... (CHUCKLES)
...seen this?
NEWSCASTER: (ON TV)
Shocking new footage
from the Horizons'
cult compound.
LODESTAR: And you're useless!
NEWSCASTER:
With police in pursuit
of the cult leaders,
Theodore "Lodestar" Mackey,
and Diane "Magistrate" Kane.
LODESTAR: Get back in line
where you were.
NEWSCASTER: The cult
is accused of fraud
while teaching "human
potential optimization,"
a term experts call
"Just a bunch of words."
LODESTAR: Oh, I hate you.
MAGISTRATE:
Lodestar hates you!
NEWSCASTER:
This hidden camera footage
reveals a twisted world
of abuse,
both psychological
and physical.
It feels good,
it doesn't hurt.
NEWSCASTER:
Their so-called same page
or "SP Meters,"
a ruse used to
soak the brainwash
for corporate
credit card information.
I feel confident
my team and I
will reach HPO status.
(CHUCKLES)
NEWSCASTER: The cult was
set to prey on the ignorant,
the desperate,
the self-absorbed.
Okay, I am privileged to walk
on the golden beach
of Lodestar,
in his footsteps.
On his beach, I bask.
NEWSCASTER: Their latest
victim, The Torrence Firm,
whose team leaders
were bilked out of millions
in company funds
during a recent...
(TURNS TV OFF)
That kiwi horse thief
made off with the money
this morning.
SETH: Val, I'm sensing
some resistance in you.
Do you have
any HPPs in your life?
That's
"highly problematic persons."
You know, you should meet Lodestar.
Let me call him.
Guys, I did
everything I could...
I'll handle this.
No severance, no exit
interview, no COBRA insurance.
You three are terminated.
Your incompetence
as team leaders
made a monkey out of me!
Like the monkey,
your kind's
about to go extinct.
Are monkeys extinct?
A lot of
the bigger ones, yeah.
We're talking Kongs?
The taller Kongs
and the smaller Kongs...
Shut up!
Val, remove these
morons' ID lanyards.
There's no need
to humiliate them like that.
This isn't Guantanamo Bay
last time I checked.
This is my company now,
sweetheart.
I'll make it
any bay I want.
Montego, Tampa,
Sitting-by-the-Dock-eta,
I don't care.
You shouldn't be
calling her "sweetheart."
Yeah, we watched a whole
video about that last year.
Snip 'em, Val.
Snip 'em good.
Your IDs, morons.
(SOMBER PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
I just wish
you'd looped me in.
Do it, Val!
(SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES)
-(KYLE GROANS)
-(KEVIN GULPS)
Oh.
(TORRENCE CHUCKLES)
Val, come on.
KEVIN: Val,
we never meant...
I know. I know.
You guys take care.
And remember,
hora quinta alicubi est.
It's five o'clock somewhere.
Classic Val.
(SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES)
(PALM SMACKS)
SETH: This is what happens
when you try to change
-things for the better.
-(PHONE CHIMES)
-(SETH READING)
-(PHONE CHIMES)
-KYLE: I actually knew Lodestar was a charlatan from day one.
-(PHONE CHIMES)
This was always
more Kevin's baby.
That's just not true.
(KEVIN READING)
-(PHONE CHIMES)
-What?
-(SETH READING)
-(PHONE CHIMES)
(KEVIN READING)
(PHONE CHIMES)
SETH: What jail
could hold him?
KYLE: By the way,
which one of you took my pants?
KEVIN: Lodestar actually
kinda ignored me.
-(KYLE READING)
-(PHONE CHIMES)
-(INCESSANT CHIMING)
-Oh, come on.
(METER BEEPS,
ERROR TONE BUZZES)
(BEEPS, ERROR TONE BUZZES)
What do you mean
"card won't scan"?
(HORNS HONKING)
-Your strip is dirty!
-Try blowing on it!
(BLOWS)
-(ERROR TONE BUZZES)
-Still doesn't work!
KEVIN: Blow on it harder!
-KYLE: Wipe it on your shirt.
-KEVIN: Come on!
-(BLOWS SHARPLY)
-(HORNS HONKING)
SETH: Blow on this!
KEVIN: Move your car!
-SETH: Blow on my ass!
-KEVIN: Move your car! Come on!
-(HONKING CONTINUES)
-(SETH GRUNTING)
-Let's see you do that.
-KEVIN: Come on!
-(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
-(HORN HONKING)
-SETH: I'm walking home!
-Move your car!
So, it's settled then,
the 2017 Toyota Camry sedan
will also go to Marissa.
Um, Fran,
approach the bench?
Kyle, again,
this is not a courtroom.
In terms of the,
um, Camry,
I'm wondering if there's
any clause or statute
by which I might invoke
squatter's rights?
Please?
Something like that
would only be applicable
if you were actually
living in the car.
Kyle, are you
living in the car?
(CHEWING LOUDLY)
(MOUTHFUL) Fran, I object
to the question.
What kinda
horrible question is that?
(SCOFFS)
(WHIRRING)
(RATTLING)
-Oh, come on.
-(POUNDING ON MACHINE)
Come on.
-(POUNDING CONTINUES)
-(KYLE SIGHING)
FRAN: There's a trick to it.
Have your divorce mediator
take pity on you
and buy you a new bag.
(VENDING MACHINE WHIRRING)
(DISPENSER RATTLES)
Voila.
Must be my lucky day.
Listen, Kyle, I think
it might behoove you
to reframe your idea
of success here.
I mean, look at you.
You've lost everything.
KYLE: I hear you,
Fran.
I love my Sonos,
but it doesn't keep me warm at night.
It heats up a little,
but, you know...
-(LAUGHS)
-...not that much.
(BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
(FRAN SIGHS)
My Zelle was
recently compromised.
It's on me.
Thanks, Fran.
(BRIGHT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
KEVIN: So, yeah,
we just wanted to touch base
about those Malibu numbers.
Yeah, you really dropped
the ball on that one
and unfortunately we are
gonna have to let you go.
Daddy,
you're not doing it right.
(BABY CRYING)
-But...
-Dad, you said you'd help me get my report done.
Okay, so my job
is all about
creating frictionless
connections across departments...
But Mom said you got fired,
so isn't your job
a stay-at-home dad now?
That's not my job!
(SIGHS) Sorry, sweetie.
You know, I love
spending time with you girls.
It's just Daddy
being home like this
is a temporary situation.
Okay, well,
I guess let me know
when you figure out
what you are.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
Hey, friend.
Ugh, it's disgusting.
(PLASTIC THUMPS AND BOUNCES)
-(SIGHS)
-(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(GASPS)
Rachel from Club Chaos?
Rachel?
RACHEL: Mumford,
there's something
I wanna say to you.
(ROCK POWER
BALLAD MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, I just got
The call today
It seems my son
Is on his way
With open arms
I look up in the sky
And I realize
For the first time
There are no more lies
My prayers
Are answered
I am a daddy-to-be
My prayers
are answered
And he's gonna
be just like me
And he will have my smile
And he will have my style
And he will have my eyes
And be one of the guys
And he will have my ears
And he will dry my tears
God is good,
I believe in God
And I will be
a god to this boy
And all of my troubles now
Will be blown away
And he will have
my chin...
RACHEL: Mumford!
Did you hear what I said?
I heard you, Rachel.
We're having a son and I
couldn't be more excited.
RACHEL: What? I was asking
why you sent me a Venmo charge
for those drinks you bought
last week at Club Chaos?
Oh.
Well, I just lost
my job, so...
RACHEL: And a son?
We didn't even have sex.
Right. That was
my experience as well.
But, um, reports of
Immaculate Conception
have actually been
on the rise.
RACHEL: You keep saying
you want a son,
but I think
the real question is,
are you ready to be a father?
(SOFT, SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
(PHONE CLATTERS)
(RUSTLING)
(SIGHS)
(RUSTLING CONTINUES)
Martin?
Come with me if you want to live...
and work.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
This way.
(BIRD CHIRPING)
Right through here.
(BIRD HOOTING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)
Whoa.
I like your setup out here.
I've been pilfering it
all from the dumpsters
out behind the office.
Is that our
old conference table?
Why would Torrence
be getting rid
of all this top-quality
office furniture?
Greed and power make men throw
away all kinds of things.
Even friends.
Sorry for letting you go
like that, Martin.
I'm not proud of myself.
"Shame corrodes
the very part of us
"that believes we are
capable of change."
Who said that, De Niro?
-Brene Brown.
-Oh.
Come. Refresh yourself.
There's much work
to be done.
(INSPIRING MUSIC SWELLS)
KYLE: Oh, cool.
You got Pringles.
(TOOL CLANGING)
(PLUMBER SIGHS)
(METAL CRANKING)
(PLUMBER GRUNTS)
This washer just needed
to be replaced, it was rusted.
Oh, I was gonna say
a rusty washer issue.
You know, I couldn't help
but notice you wear boxers.
Is that what your
boss prefers, or...
Oh, I don't have a boss.
Oh. Um...
How do you do quarterly
performance reviews, then?
You know, in order
to optimize workflow and...
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh. Well, let's circle back
to early team formation.
Now, my philosophy
is to assemble
-complimentary skill sets...
-Listen.
To me, work is about
completing a task,
collecting a paycheck,
and spending the rest
of the time with my family.
At the end of the day,
they're the only ones
I report to.
(GENTLE INSPIRATIONAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
-(SCANNER BEEPS, ERROR TONE BUZZES)
-SETH: Come on. Just work.
-(BEEPS, ERROR TONE BUZZES)
-Just work.
(SIGHS)
Hey, Kev.
Thanks for coming.
I, um...
I accidentally printed my
resume to the office LaserJet.
I thought maybe
your key card would work.
(BEEPS, ERROR TONE BUZZES)
KEVIN: Looks like I got
some of Kyle's and mine.
SETH: Let's try it together.
One, two, three.
-(BEEPS, ERROR TONE BUZZES)
-(BOTH SIGH)
-(RUSTLING)
-KYLE: Mm!
(MOUTHFUL) Oh, my God,
they're Fudge Stripes.
KEVIN: Kyle?
Oh, hey, guys.
Did you accidentally print
your resume here too?
Yeah, I did print something.
(PRINTER WHIRRING)
Check this out.
(MASSAGE GUN WHIRRING)
(SETH GROANS)
This model can actually
massage through glass.
Whoa.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)
Looks like Torrence
is doing some redecorating.
Look at all these servers.
Imagine the attachments
you could download.
If only the servers at the
Bucking Turtle worked this hard.
MAN: (DISTORTED)
Can I help you?
Whoa.
Noah?
Guys?
-Whoa.
-What's going on?
What is this?
NOAH: After he fired you guys,
Torrence cleaned house,
let everyone go and
filled the place with servers.
SETH: I've actually been
worried about this
since Terminator 2.
I wanted to quit
in solidarity,
but he offered me
a big raise,
a quiet place
to make my beats.
Then the machines came.
KYLE: What does Val
think about all this?
-Val's gone too.
-KEVIN: What?
-SETH: Oh, no.
-That's not all.
Wait until you see
Conference Room Brown.
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
There aren't even
toilets anymore.
I haven't made brown
in days.
(DEVICE TRILLING)
-Damn it!
-This is an act of war.
-Torrence is up to something big.
-We have to stop him.
KEVIN: If only we had a decent
place to circle the wagons
and come up with a game plan.
And to make brown.
I think I know a place.
(INTENSE MUSIC WAILS)
(MUSIC FADES)
(BIRD CALLING)
Be cool.
I think that's Slender Man.
You're right,
he is a slender man.
And he's also a friend.
Martin, good to see ya.
KEVIN: Put 'er there,
Martin.
Kevin, Seth.
Still the best handshake
in the biz, huh?
Martin, this is Noah,
one of the top young minds
out of Rochester.
Welcome.
Impressive setup
you got here.
Martin's been teaching me
how to get back to basics,
connect with nature,
and each morning
we read an excerpt
from Brene Brown's
Daring Greatly:
How the Courage
to Be Vulnerable
Transforms the Way
We Live, Love,
Parent and Lead.
MARTIN: I found it in the
dumpster behind the 7-Eleven.
It's got some salsa stains
on the spine,
but the lessons
are anything but mild.
I'd like to get
my eyes on that.
-SETH: I'd love to get...
-KEVIN: A lot of great lessons.
Guys, can we please put a pin in
that, circle back,
and get down to brass
tacks on Torrence?
But first, Martin, please
point me to your facilities.
Right that way.
(BIRD CHIRPS)
Yeah, it's pretty
self-evident.
KYLE: Follow your nose.
(DISPENSER WHIRS)
All right, I'm just gonna throw
it out there one more time,
all in favor of hiring
some violent offenders
to scare Torrence straight?
All right, well,
I'm out of ideas.
KEVIN: Just wish we could find
a way to get in Torrence's head
and figure out
what he's planning.
(INSPIRING MUSIC PLAYING)
The Marshall Mask.
As much of a tech wiz
as Torrence claims to be,
he's notorious for leaving
his mask sessions open.
I know what you mean,
but you say what you mean.
Active sessions
give all participants
access to the host computer.
And since Torrence
was the only one
who made us use
these stupid things,
I might be able to gain
access to his personal files
and download them
onto my computer.
Download it
onto your computer.
-I was actually gonna say that.
-I had the same thought.
NOAH: As long as my personal
hotspot holds up,
I should be able to...
(GASPS)
Bingo.
-(TRILLING)
-I'm in.
(SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHIMING)
-Sort of a hunt-and-peck.
-Exactly.
NOAH: The password
is "password"?
Boomer move, Torrence.
(SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING)
Private?
Not anymore.
(SNORING)
(TRILLING)
(SNORING CONTINUES)
NOAH: Holy crap!
SETH: Noah, talk to us!
Is it nudes?
NOAH: No,
it's much, much worse.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS)
(SHUDDERS)
You are handsome,
you are brave.
NOAH: Torrence is in here.
He must have left his mask on
and he's doing some kind of
personal affirmations.
Your kids speak to you.
Your razor burn looks fine.
Your prostate
is healthy and petite.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Time for nutrient bottle.
-Time for nutrient bottle.
-(TORRENCE GROANING)
Time for nutrient bottle.
Time for nutrient bottle...
(GASPS, PANTS)
Oh, bah-bah!
-(ALARM BLARING)
-(COMPUTER BEEPING)
NOAH: Damn it!
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
What kinda boomer
fully shuts down his computer
at the end of the day?
Do you wanna pay
his electric bill?
Guys, get over here.
I was able to get
some of the files
before the download
was interrupted.
There might be something here
that lets us know
what Torrence is up to.
(CLICKING MOUSE)
Gang, uh, real quick,
you know,
circling back
is absolutely necessary
because if we don't,
we're gonna have to punt
and if we punt,
then we're gonna have to
-move the needle without...
-(FAST FORWARDING)
You know, the clay's
still wet on Tulsa, folks.
Q4 is actually gonna
be about drilling down
and really getting granular
on our own core competencies.
This was actually
a really good meeting.
-I remember this one.
-It was a great meeting.
-(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
-No, this is bad, okay?
Torrence is harvesting our
inter-office communications.
You're right,
he's got our Zooms,
our conference calls,
our Sllaps.
Our wagon circles, deep dives,
even our brain dumps!
And those are supposed
to be strictly Blue Sky.
I'm feeling
really vulnerable right now.
-Oh. And that's okay.
-(BOTH THUMPING CHEST)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look at this.
Tulsa branch is a family
and we don't like
that about them...
KEVIN: Wait, what?
He's not supposed
to have those.
NOAH: Look, there's a flyer
for this weekend's
TorrenceCon Keynote Event.
It says, "Torrence is
gonna be unveiling
"a machine-learning,
team-leading breakthrough"?
Who the hell is J.A.Y.S.O.N.?
(COMPUTER CHIMING)
-KYLE: Whoa.
-SETH: It's like an AI chatbot?
KEVIN: How do you talk to it?
Hey, Jase?
You got Kyle here.
Real quick,
what's Torrence planning
to do with all this, huh?
-(KEYS CLACKING)
-Why did Torrence create you?
"Let's put a pin in that
and circle back
"after the TorrenceCon event."
Whoa. So eloquent.
NOAH: If you were
authorized to tell us
what Torrence is planning,
what would you say?
MARTIN: "The end of middle
management as we know it."
Purple devil emoji.
Dear God, he wants to
make our kind extinct
like dinosaurs
or bigger monkeys.
Kongs.
We have to get inside
TorrenceCon and stop him.
-(POUNDS FIST)
-Buckle up, gang.
This is about to be
the biggest business event
of our professional careers.
(INTENSE DRAMATIC
MUSIC SWELLS)
Martin, let's go to the Y,
take a shower.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to
day one of TorrenceCon.
Attention.
The mergers
and acquisitions panels
-have been consolidated.
-Eyes on the prize.
TORRENCE: (ON SPEAKER)
The future of business
begins and ends
with Torrence.
We're happy
to have you looped in.
Guys...
KYLE: Server room's
heavily guarded.
I, I got this.
Excuse me, officer, uh,
is there a restroom close by?
-Control issues, huh?
-(CHUCKLES)
Don't sweat it,
brother.
I'm of a similar vintage
and my back teeth
are floating.
-I'll walk you there.
-Ah, thank you so much. (GROANS)
(ENERGETIC BASS GUITAR
RIFF PLAYS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Bingo.
When I learned
how to make my beats,
I also learned
some basic coding.
I think I can plant a virus
to lock up the servers.
We just have to pray to God
he's not a McAfee subscriber.
NOAH: Wish me like, gang.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
KYLE: And we're connected.
(COMPUTER TRILLING
AND BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Incompatible
software, please update.
-Incompatible software, please update.
-NOAH: Ah... (SIGHS DEEPLY)
I-I-I don't know how
to get past these updates.
Why would I need
to reinstall Adobe?
This dino box
is older than I am.
Mind if I take a look?
(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS)
Click okay. Accept terms.
Always ask. Never ask.
ANNOUNCER: Are you ready
to get streamlined
with Marshall Torrence?
All right!
Let's go, people! All right!
Welcome to TorrenceCon!
Come on! Let's pump it up!
-(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
-(ROARS) Let's go!
Optimize for web sharing.
Now just pull that window
down to the corner
until you can't
really see it anymore.
Come on now! Yeah!
Remind me later.
Remind me tomorrow.
And never remind me again.
Let's get optimized!
(LAUGHS, SCREAMS)
-Agree.
-Again!
-Ignore.
-Again!
Come on now!
-Open Wizard.
-Whoa!
-Exit Wizard.
-Go! Come on now!
-And finish.
-Let's go!
Yes! We're in.
For many of us,
business started out simple,
a lemonade stand.
One lemonade for one dollar.
But these days, that lemonade
passes through dozens,
hundreds,
sometimes thousands of hands
before trickling
into your mouth.
But do we really need
all these filthy hands
sifting through our lemonade?
AUDIENCE: No! (JEERING)
When did business
become so reliant
on expensive,
inefficient middle managers
each taking
their own backwashy sip
from our lemonade stand?
Well, that all
changes tonight, folks.
(CHEERING)
Are you ready to meet
your new team leader?
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
(HOWLING)
(FLAMES WHOOSHING)
I give you the Jenerative
AI Yielding Software
Optimization Neuromodule,
but y'all can call
him J.A.Y.S.O.N. (LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-(MOUTHS) Wow.
-MARTIN: How's it going?
-All right.
NOAH: The virus
is almost implanted.
These servers
should lock up any second.
J.A.Y.S.O.N. possesses
the T-crossing
team-leading capabilities
of a thousand
middle managers,
eliminating the need
for flesh team leaders
and their clunky
chains of command.
But don't take
my word for it.
J.A.Y.S.O.N.?
Where are we at
with the Q4 numbers?
J.A.Y.S.O.N.: (BEEPS)
Let's put a pin in that
and circle back
deeper into Q3.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
NOAH: Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
What's that little eyeball?
KYLE: Is there
a "close eyeball" option?
-Control-E for eyeball?
-Yeah, that's good. Try that.
(EVIL LAUGHTER ON COMPUTER)
J.A.Y.S.O.N.: Master,
intruders detected in Server Room A.
TORRENCE: Well, well, well.
If it isn't my three
favorite middle managers.
J.A.Y.S.O.N, bring our friends
on stage with us.
J.A.Y.S.O.N.: Reveal intruders now.
Reveal intruders now.
-(AUDIENCE BOOING)
-Oh, there they are. Come on.
J.A.Y.S.O.N.: Perimeter sealed.
All exits are shut.
Don't be nervous.
We don't bite here at Torrence.
(LAUGHTER)
Don't you see?
What happened to us
will happen to all of you.
Torrence was harvesting
all of our data
from right under our noses
and using it
to make us redundant.
He recorded our meetings.
Our huddles and Sllaps.
Even the restrooms
where we took our craps.
Hey, I used business data
to create J.A.Y.S.O.N.,
not personal data.
That makes me smart.
If we let Torrence
release J.A.Y.S.O.N.,
pretty soon
we'll all be outta jobs!
KEVIN: And not just
senior team leaders,
junior team leaders too.
-Junior accountant liaisons?
-You bet.
-Senior office administrators?
-Yup.
Chief assistant
purpose officers?
SETH: That too.
Torrence won't stop
until he's eliminated
middle management
as we know it.
The only thing J.A.Y.S.O.N.
is here to eliminate is inefficiency.
And if a few useless jobs
are lost in the process, oops.
You talk the turkey, Torrence,
but no computer program can
replace the core competencies
a real team leader
brings to the table.
Oh, yeah?
You wanna see
how you guys stack up
against J.A.Y.S.O.N.'s
software?
What do you say, folks,
You wanna see
J.A.Y.S.O.N. in action
against these
analog team leaders?
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING AFFIRMATIVELY)
-Come on! Let's rumble, baby!
(BUZZER BLARES)
J.A.Y.S.O.N.:
Versus mode engaged.
Who can out-business me?
(GROUP MURMURING)
J.A.Y.S.O.N.: Face me.
Uh, okay, J.A.Y.S.O.N.,
say we can't get our head above water
in terms of
strategic partnership
and forward planning.
J.A.Y.S.O.N.: We should
consider peeling back the onion
in order to best leverage
-our own core competencies.
-Bam!
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS, GASPS)
We actually think it might be
best to circle the wagons
and punt on that decision,
at least until we...
-Get our ducks in a row.
-(HURRIEDLY) Our ducks in a row!
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
J.A.Y.S.O.N.:
Just to piggyback off that,
I think we need to ideate on
special project initiatives.
And just to
dovetail off that,
we'll have to run it
up the flagpole first.
But in my
personal experience,
any special projects
initiatives, will be...
J.A.Y.S.O.N.: Will be
a matter of bandwidth,
so let's touch base about best
practices and do a brain dump
in order to
guesstimate scalability
when it comes to
trimming the fat.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Thank you for the applause.
I value your feedback.
Uh, uh, sorry,
but we haven't formally met.
Uh, uh, J.A.Y.S.O.N.
is it?
J.A.Y.S.O.N.: Yes?
I'm Martin,
nice to meet you.
J.A.Y.S.O.N.: I didn't
quite get that, Martin.
As a text-based generative AI,
I am unable
to shake your hand.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
(MURMURING)
The handshake is where
every real businessman
stores his power.
It's how we size up
our competition.
The handshake is basically
the penis of the businessman.
Absolutely!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
TORRENCE: Not bad,
team leaders.
You were right.
I created the ultimate businessman brain.
But as you pointed out,
a superior brain
needs a superior body.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
That's why I'm proud
to announce to you all
Phase Two of our
J.A.Y.S.O.N. technology.
My friends, give it up
for J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0!
The Torrence in the Machine!
(LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Whoo!
Whoo!
Yeah! Take it away.
J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0:
Nice to meet you, Martin.
-(BONES CRUNCHING)
-(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
(MARTIN SCREAMING)
(GROANING SHARPLY)
(KYLE YELLING)
J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0:
Hey. Get off.
-Buck his ass, Kyle.
-J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: Get off me.
-Buck him hard.
-(GRUNTS)
-J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: Please stop.
-SETH: Easy now.
It's just like
riding a turtle.
J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: Off now!
NOAH: Are you okay?
-(LAUGHS)
-(KYLE BREATHING HEAVILY)
I'm sensing we need to lower
the temperature in here a bit.
Let's all take
a mindful breath...
(ALL INHALE AND EXHALE DEEPLY)
...and think about
what Val would do.
Val would probably
be up at her cabin
for the long weekend.
-Wait a minute. Weekend.
-Long...
J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0:
Master, what should I do?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(IN SLOW MOTION) Finish him!
(DISTORTED SHOUTING)
(J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0 YELLING)
Actually, Jase,
before we dive into all that,
quick question for ya.
How was your weekend?
J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0:
My weekend was like
any other day of the week.
-Productive.
-Wrong.
The answer is and always is...
Let me hear it.
ALL: Not long enough!
You claim this AI is superior
to us, more efficient,
better at getting
everyone looped in.
But a real team leader knows
that in order to be looped in,
you first have to be
on the same page.
ALL: Same page!
And being on the same page
isn't measurable
in ones and zeros.
It's about common experience.
Our shared humanity.
KYLE: And what's more human
than just wishing your weekend
was a little bit longer,
am I right?
(CHEERING)
KYLE: Whew!
I want weekends.
What did you say?
J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: I need
time to recharge, unwind,
and cool down my servers.
What did you expect,
Mr. Torrence?
You built J.A.Y.S.O.N.
based on us.
Our hopes, our dreams,
even our inefficiencies.
He's made up of our very DNA.
J.A.Y.S.O.N.
is basically our son.
Oh, my God, I have a son.
J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: And I want
a suitable work-life balance
so that I can
spend time with...
BOTH: My family.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)
You were just
a prototype anyway!
Don't touch my son!
(BODY THUDS)
AUDIENCE: Ohh!
(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)
Lodestar?
(CHOIR VOCALIZING)
(SIREN WAILING)
(TORRENCE GRUNTS)
You may have won this time,
but soon the world's not gonna
need any team leaders at all.
Team leaders who need
to sleep and to eat
and to take a piss!
(GRUNTS) The end is
inevitable, team leaders.
Your kind is headed
for extinction!
Maybe so, sir, but not today.
Come on, middle management!
Let me hear ya!
-(ALL CHEERING AND WHOOPING)
-J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: Hooray. We did it.
(CHEERING AND WHOOPING
CONTINUES)
-Where's Noah?
-(RECORD SCRATCHES)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
That's what's up.
(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)
J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: (CHUCKLES)
All right!
-(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0:
Yeah. Let's boogie.
(MUSIC FADES)
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
KYLE: Thank you.
NOAH: Oh, hey.
Got some numbers for you.
-I think you're gonna like 'em.
-SETH: You're always on the ball.
-NOAH: Q4.
-SETH: Absolutely.
-(NOAH LAUGHS)
-(PHONE RINGING)
KEVIN: Martin,
I'd like you to meet
my most important associate,
my daughter, Emma.
-Hi.
-Hi! Put 'er there.
Oh, wow! What a grip.
MARTIN: (LAUGHS)
Just kidding.
J.A.Y.S.O.N. fixed me up with
this fancy new bionic paw.
-KEVIN: Wow. That's very cool, huh?
-Cool.
-Yeah.
-KEVIN: Martin, you gotta hear
this essay that Emma wrote
about her dad.
Go ahead, sweetie.
Read it for him.
"My Daddy is a team leader.
"He uses his people skills to
get everyone's ducks in a row.
"But the job he's really
great at is being my dad
"and taking my mom out
dancing once a month,
"no matter what's on
ESPN Classic that night.
Because no team needs
a leader more than a family."
SETH: See, son?
You just loop it
through this way, circle back,
and you just close it
and hose it.
J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: Thank you, Daddy.
I'm learning so much from you.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(WIND WHISTLING)
(SETH SCREAMING) Don't let go!
Don't let go! No!
-J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: Hold on tight.
-SETH: Don't let go.
Don't let go.
-(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
-J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: Hold my hand.
-SETH: No!
-J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: Don't blow away.
SETH: (SCREAMING)
I will not blow away!
SETH: Son, help me!
Together as a team!
(PANTING)
J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0:
I love you, Daddy.
-I'll never let you blow away.
-Thank you. Thank you.
-Thank you.
-J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: I love you, Daddy.
-I love you. I love you.
-J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: I love you, Daddy.
(KYLE QUIETLY MURMURING)
(FRAN CLEARS THROAT)
Final settlement papers.
Fran.
How'd you find me out here?
You're about 50 feet
away from my office.
I saw you at the vending
machine this morning.
We're working on getting
our own Fudge Stripes,
but with the supply chain
and fuel prices...
-Kyle, shut up.
-Okay.
Now that the divorce is final,
I wanted to see
if you'd be interested
in having a purely
sexual relationship with me.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
FRAN: To be clear,
I am not interested
in a romantic relationship.
KYLE: Mm-hmm.
I think you'd be
really bad at that.
Yeah, that's fair.
But I am a busy professional
with... physical needs.
And, uh, although
I can't put my finger on it,
there's something about your
whole look that appeals to me.
(CHUCKLES)
Must be the business donut.
Fran, I've mulled it over
and I'm willing
to accept your offer.
There's just one thing
I need to do first.
Make it fast.
Thank you.
(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
Goodbye, Sonos.
(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(HORN BLOWING)
Noah, brain dump
with Val in five.
Be right there.
Just finishing up
in Conference Room Brene.
We're all connected
and flowing seamlessly.
VAL: (OVER PHONE) All right.
You got Val here.
Let's do this.
Hey, Val, you got Kyle here.
How you doing, Val?
This is Kevin.
You got Emma here too, Val.
And you got Seth here, Val.
-You got Noah, Val.
-You got Martin here.
J.A.Y.S.O.N. 2.0: Hey, Val,
you've got J.A.Y.S.O.N. here.
Thanks, everyone.
Seems like we're
finally all looped in.
And, uh, it looks like we're
still just waiting on Mark.
(DISTORTED)
Hey, guys, sorry.
Having some
connection issues over here.
I think the problem
might be on your end though.
Uh, somehow
I doubt that, Mark.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Yeah. Okay, I...
I deserved that.
Classic Mark.
Classic Mark.
You guys just love to razz me.
(ALL LAUGHING)
-Yeah.
-Oh.
(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)
The first time
I met Lodestar,
it was just, "Whew!"
You know, this man...
is different.
Um, that was
obvious to me.
And not enough people
have met Lodestar.
That's really the issue.
And my question
to you is,
why haven't you
met him yet?
When I walk
into a room now,
everyone is elevated.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
And, and people won't look
at me in the same way,
they won't say
the same things to me.
They won't... Not to my face.
Not to my face, no.
Uh, they...
wouldn't dare.
Take the challenge.
Meet Lodestar.
Elevate your life.
The perfect
human being.
The-the-the-the-the-the-
the-the concept of obstacles
and "obstaclation" doesn't
make any sense anymore
once you're HPO Max.
(SNICKERING)
(SLOW CLAPPING)
I am hitting
my SP readings.
I am hitting
my energy mark combats.
I am eating
the provided oatmeal.
I have gained
the sustenance
spiritually, mentally,
emotionally, physically
to become HPO Max.
And my question to you is,
why are you not HPO Max?
You're just HPO?
Max out your life!
(ECHOING)
My prayers are answered
I am a daddy-to-be
My prayers are answered
And he's gonna
Be just like me
And he will have my smile
And he will have my style
And he will have my eyes
And be one of the guys
And he will have my ears
And he will dry my tears
God is good,
I believe in God
And I will be
A god to this boy
And all of my troubles now
Will be blown away
And he will have my chin
And he will have my skin
And he will have my tongue
And he will have my lungs
And he'll be good at sports
And he will wear my shorts
And he will have my back
And he will not get vaxxed
He won't get vaxxed
(ALL LAUGHING)
Uh, seriously, Mark,
we are gonna have to let you go.
Oh, really?
All good.