Long Weekend (2021) Movie Script
Hey, Mr. Waters, this is Jeremy
over in Dr. Andrews' office.
Just calling to confirm
your follow-up appointment
with Dr. Andrews
tomorrow at 2.
Call if you have any
questions. We'll see you then.
Bart, it's Dr. Andrews.
We missed you at
your appointment yesterday,
so calling to check in.
It's important we maintain
contact with patients
for a few months
after they're under our care,
so let's get another
appointment in the books.
Just wanted to make sure
we avoid any backsliding.
Hey, B, it's Whit.
I got a call from
a psychiatrist's office
yesterday.
I guess I must still be listed
as your emergency contact.
You should probably
change that at some point.
Anyhow, um,
they wanted you to call
to set up an appointment soon.
I know it's
none of my business now,
but I just want to make sure
you're taking care of yourself.
So call them, Bart, please.
Okay, I'm thinking about you.
Bart, it's Dr. Andrews again.
It's really pertinent
that you continue to...
Okay, well,
I wish you hadn't done that.
But that doesn't make any sense.
Yeah.
409.Sorry, I dozed off there.
Okay, well,
this is an old building,
so, you know, you have to be
sensitive about the plumbing.
Can I?
Oh, help yourself. Okay, well,
you know,
the rule of thumb is that
if it's bigger than a goldfish,
you don't flush it.
No. No, no.
Okay, no, I'll send
a plumber over later.
Yeah. Bye.
That bitch
tried to flush
a gerbil down the toilet.
Who does that?
Are we allowed
to have gerbils here?
Not anymore. Fuck.
You're having a good day,
aren't you?
You're lucky you have booze.
Thanks for the shot.Yeah.
So we're showing this place
in 20 minutes. Is that okay?
Yeah.
I'm gonna get out of here.
Bart, don't leave me. I wish I could stay,
but unless you want to get them
to lower the rent by...
like, all of it, I got to go.
What am I gonna do without you?
You're gonna be fine.
Yeah, yeah.
So you'll be out
by the beginning of next month?
Yes, ma'am.
I'll miss you.
Oh, 206.
I hate my fucking job.
Eddie, what?
I'm not doing that.
Because I cannot control
when 306 has sex.
Okay, well, I can't tell someone
they have to fuck on their couch
because their mattress
is too loud.
Oh... shit!
Come on in, man. I'd offer
to help, but hands are full.
Also, I don't want to.
That all your shit? No.
Not all, but not much left.
Right on.
We got plenty of space.
Teddy, don't do that.
I'm not Teddy. I'm Naked Guy.
All right, well, Naked Guy,
don't do that.
Jeez. Rachel! Rach!
Jesus, I'm going
to the bathroom.
Eve needs you, and Naked Guy's
fucking up the chair again.
I just want
two seconds of peace.
Oh, my God, I'm just a dad!
Let's get you situated, man.
Come on.
Naked Guy!
Man, are you sure
me staying here isn't too much?
Fuck no, man. You need
to get out of that place.
Besides, it'll be fun
having you around.
It's like old times, you know?
Rachel? Rachel!
You could stay here as long
as you want, dude. Seriously.
The kids love you. RACHEL: Hey, I got her.
Oh.Listen, Teddy has left
something very upsetting next
to the toilet on the floor.
If you could... Hi, Bart.
Hi.Welcome.
So happy to have you.
Don't use the bathroom.
Are you on your way? Oh. Yeah.
Okay. Bye.
I should get this job, so I'll
be out of your hair soon.
Dude, shut up.
All right?
You can stay here forever.
I mean that. Okay?
Mm.
Wow.
So, yeah, man, um,
I read through your samples,
and, um,
I mean, I'm no literary critic
or anything,
but they seem really good to me.
Thank you. For real, dude.
I love this one about the guy
whose fiance left him
and then he has
a nervous breakdown.
I mean, that's...
It feels so real.
Well, it should.
I thought Marley & Me
was sad, but...
Hey, hey, you ever see
Marley & Me?
I-I have not. Oh, you should.
I love dog movies.
But spoiler, the pup dies.
Mm.
I kind of feel like
you're too good for this job.
Oh. Well, thanks for
saying that, but, you know,
to be honest, stories like that
don't really help
keep the lights on.
Well, you won't write anything
super creative like that
for our catalogs,
but, uh, I bet
you'll have fun with it.
Writing is writing to me,
you know, honestly,
so I am happy
to tackle anything.
Okay. Well, it's
pretty straightforward.
We give you a product
and a bunch of research data,
and then you just
write up something
that sounds exciting
to our clients.
Um, like this fella.
Uh, this is, uh, a new catheter.
Yeah, you can hold it.
It's smaller and more malleable.
You barely even know it's there.
Well, probably,
you know it's there
because it's a huge tube
that's going up your penis.
Well, smaller and more malleable
does seem advantageous
in the world of penis tubes. See?
That already sounds better.
Well, we'll let you know.
And, uh, hey, I always
tell new friends...
I'm really into game nights,
if you ever host one.
Hey, one, please.
Bart, Dr. Andrews again.
Uh, still haven't heard
from you.
I would really encourage you
to set an appointment soon.
It's really not a big thing.
It's just to assess
how you're feeling
and make sure the new dosage
is working for you.
So, uh, just call my office,
and we will get you in here.
And it was
the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.
Hey, buddy.
Buddy.
Hey, buddy.
The movie's over.
Hmm?
The movie's over.
Oh, shit.
Thanks.Mm-hmm.
Hey! Hey, bud.
Your jacket.
Oh, shit. Thanks.Yeah.
You left it, uh, on your seat.
Uh... Heh.
I was kind of drinking
a little bit in there.
Yeah, I saw that.
Oh, wow.
I'm really batting
a thousand here, aren't I?
It's okay. It seems like
a pretty fun way
to spend an afternoon.
Yeah. I've had worse.
Thanks. Thanks again.
Hey. Hmm?
Do you know where I could maybe
grab one of those around here?
Oh, you mean go get a drink?
Yeah.
Um, there's two bars
pretty close, actually.
Uh, one is kind of a dive.Uh-huh.
And the other is, like,
a little fancier.
It's one of those craft
cocktail mixology type places.
Okay, cool. Let's go.
I'm sorry. You want me to go?
Yeah. I just... I don't really
know the area that well,
and I've just been
wandering around by myself,
and honestly,
I'm getting a little bored.
You seem like you're
a relatively harmless human.
You don't murder people, do you?
No. Murder-free thus far.
Cool.
So long as you keep
that streak alive,
I think you should come
have a drink with me.
Really?
Really. Come on.
All right. Fuck it.
Let's drink, then.
Lead the way.
Okay.
Hey. I'm Vienna.
Hi. I'm-I'm Bart.
Nice to meet you.
Wait. Really? Yeah.
It's a good movie. One
of your favorite films
and you've seen it
over a hundred times,
and you can't articulate why.
It's just, you know,
"a really good movie."
I guess, uh...
I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm kind of
an emotional person, I guess.
Okay.
And, um, a few years ago,
I happened to catch
Being Thereon TV, and I don't...
I-I don't know why, but...
somehow, watching it
on my couch that day,
like, something just
kind of clicked for me.
Life is gonna be sad
and stressful
and-and-and tragic
and devastating,
and that's just unavoidable,
you know?
But-but that movie is like
a reminder that
it's all a state of mind.
You know, we could make
all that shit
as big or as little as we want.
Uh...
I'm not saying the movie,
like, cured me or anything,
but in that moment, it did
make me feel a little better.
Well, that's something.Hmm.
And did it do that today?
Uh, not really.
Why not? I don't know. Just didn't.
Doing okay, folks?
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're good.
Thanks.
So, uh, what brings you to town?
Wh... Um... Like, where are you from,
and what do you do,
and why are you here?
Let's, uh, get out of here.
Yeah? Yeah?
Mm-hmm.Yeah.
Take me to that dive bar.
Really? Yeah.
This is too fancy. All right, let's go.
I got the check. Um, I can get it.
Just...
Jesus Christ.
Are you going
to the strip club later,
or did you just rob a bank? What?
No, no, no, I, um,
just have problems
with my bank card,
so I-I brought cash for my trip.
Is 60 good?
60? That's way too much.
It'll be like half that, or...
Nice tip. Here.Oh.
Okay. Cool.
L.A. prices, I just thought
it would be more.
Take me to this dive.
All right. Oh, wait.
So is this funky bar of yours...
are they, like,
strict about carding?
'Cause I forgot my I.D.
at home.
Well, you look way over 21,
so I think you'll be fine.
Cool. Trying to be charming.
You're a cute girl.
You'll be... You'll be fine.
Oh, you think I'm cute? Huh.
Well, yeah.
I mean, you look great for 50.
Oh, my God.
Look at those!
Sparklers?
Yeah. Sparklers.
I-I didn't know they-they-they
made those anymore.
You're kind of
easily impressed, aren't you?
I-I've just never done
a sparkler before, so...
I'm sorry. What? Yep.
You've never played
with a sparkler?
Nope.
Did you have a childhood?
Yes, I did.
I just didn't play
with sparklers, I guess.
Okay, hold on.
What? One second.
Okay.
- This is... That looks like fun.
- Can I, can I...
can I buy two sparklers
for one whole dollar?
Okay. BART: All right. Thanks!
What?
How'd you do that?
I gave him a dollar.
To a kid,
that's like a million bucks.
You didn't have to do that.
I did have to do that
because you've never played
with a sparkler,
and that's just weird,
and I don't want
to hang out with a weirdo.
Okay.
I did it for
selfish reasons, really.
Okay, fine.Okay.
All right. Here goes.
What little crooks.
This is really anticlima...
Kind of hurts your hand.
Yeah, that's why you got to
run with it. Run! Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not running alone.
You...
This is not some solo show, bro.
You've got to run with me.
Come on! Aah!
If you want mediocrity
in impressions
or just in life in general,
uh, you've come
to the right guy.
Pacino.
Oh...
Funny. Funny guy.
So scary.
Jimmy Stewart.
J-Jimmy Stewart. I, uh...
I-I don't have... I don't
have your money, Mr. Potter.
I don't... I don't know
where your money is.
These are legitimately good.
Oh, hold on one second.
Wait, what are you doing?
Uh, the-the dive
only takes cash, so...
Yeah, but I-I've got cash.
I know you have cash.
You have, like, all of the cash.
But I can't let you buy
my drinks all night.
I got to pull my weight
a little bit.
And now I've got your pass code.
Hey, ho.
Hey, ho.Oh.
Is that... Is that what you do?
That's how you got
all that cash?
Mm-hmm.
You just sidle up to
handsome dudes...
Yeah.
And charm them till they let
their guard down at an ATM?
Mm-hmm.
And now I'm going to take you
for everything you're worth.
Well, you done picked
the wrong mark, buddy,
because I got...
324 bucks in there.
Feel free to rob me blind. Oh, my God.
You're not kidding. I'm not kidding.
I'm gonna do it. Take it.
Really, it won't matter.
It really won't.
Ma'am, would you like
my bank pass code?
Did you just call me "ma'am"?
Yes, I did. That's my bad.
Apologies.
So sorry. Have a nice night.
He's drunk. Ha-ha. Cute dog.
So it was, like, a hopeful look
at humanity? How novel.
Oh, yeah. It was
a novel idea for a novel.
Not novel enough for anyone
to publish it, but...
Yeah, well, they're
dummies. Yeah, maybe not.
And how'd you come up
with this novel idea?
Um, I don't know.
I-I think...
actually,
mostly 'cause my mom died.
I'm sorry. Don't be.
I'm pretty sure
it wasn't your fault.
Yeah, well, you don't know me.
You don't know
what I'm capable of.
Are you the one wandering around
giving everyone cancer? Yes.
Ah.
That's me.
Ah. That's you? I am cancer girl.
Whoa. Crazy.
So you're a real bad person.
So, um, how long ago
did she pass?
Um...
like a year ago.
Ah.
As soon as the doctor
told her that she had
a-a year or so to live,
she became
almost instantly happier.
What?
Yeah.
Wait, how is that possible?
I think it's like,
as soon as she realized
that she just had
this limited amount of time,
she just kind of relaxed
and, like, all the things
that she was worried about
in her life...
Like, what was she gonna do
about retirement?
Uh, would she have to
sell her house?
Was-was her relationship
going anywhere?
All that stuff just didn't
matter anymore, you know?
It was kind of
suddenly inconsequential.
The only thing
that mattered was just
her happiness in that moment
and what was
right in front of her.
And just, like, being alive
while she could, you know?
Anyway,
that's-that's where the...
that's where the idea
for the novel first came from.
Hmm.
Do you want to do shots?
Yeah.
Mm, uh, how about that one?
Oh, F yeah. I'd totally dance
to that shit.
What is that? H-1-4.
What?
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
I'm just, like, are you real?
Or are you, like, one of those...
Um, what do you call them?
Manic pixie dream girls?
What, you think I'm, like,
here to save you?
Is that it? I'm just saying, like,
beautiful strangers don't
usually just walk up to me
and ask me to go out for drinks,
have a great time. Listen, man.
I don't know anyone in town.Hmm.
So, you know, I'd be happy
to find another tour guide.
I mean, I'm sure any one
of these barflies
would love to show me around.
Hey, Slim, do you like
Peter Sellers?
No.
Okay.
We're okay. No, no, listen.
I'm...
Don't get me wrong, okay?
I'm glad you did.Good.
'Cause that theory is dumb.
All right, all right, all right.
Also, I could have
ulterior motives.
I could totally
be using you right now.
Really? For what?
Quarters, motherfucker.
Hand 'em over.
That's all I got.
Okay.
My fiance left me after I had
some emotional problems,
and now I'm broke
and have to take a crap job
and move into
my best friend's garage,
and my life is in
total shambles.
Yeah?
Yeah.
So that's why I went
to the movie today.
Well, then...
I, for one,
am really glad you did.
Me too.
Oh, shit.
Okay. VIENNA: What's our motivation?
Like, frowning faces
or, like, sexy...
Oh, shit. Oh! I think we're winging it.
Here it comes.
No, they're too fast.
They're coming really fast. It's too...
Oh!
Do it. I won't judge.
Come on, let it loose. This is your thing.
It's not mine. I know, but I-I-I let myself
loose, naked,
vulnerable for you,
so please just give it
to me once real fast.
You talkin' to me?
Are you talkin' to me?
Oh, no.Wow.
That is really bad.
That is...
I told you it was bad. It's like...
It's like you're De Niro
but as a slow Saint Bernard.
It's like you're the taxi driver
who had a stroke and...
That's me.
And got in too many
car accidents.
Okay. I will have you know,
I am very good
at animal impressions.
Ooh, that's exciting.
Yeah.Lion. Go.
I wish I could, but this is me.
Oh. Jesus.
Okay.
Um, how do I do this?
Do I take your number?
Is that proper etiquette?
Yeah. Sounds about right.
Okay.
It's just,
I don't have a phone.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Okay...
What's going on here? Shh.
So you're not from around here,
you don't have an I.D.,
you're balling around
with huge stacks of cash,
and you don't have a phone?
I mean, are you
a hit man or something?
Oh, no.
Seriously, what's...? You found out.
Oh, shit.
Do it quickly.
No, I just broke my phone.Wow.
So you have to give me
your number.
Deal.
Oh. Who are those slobs? I don't know.
Who are those weirdos?
Cool.
I'll call you sometime.
Yeah, please do.
Bye.
Bye.
Good night. Okay, good night.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You have to kiss her.
In this situation,
you have to kiss her.
How many fucking chances
do you get like that?
Hi. Uh, just a quick question.
Is now too soon?
Night, buddy.
Night.
I met a girl. DOUG: Ah.
I just watched my son piss
in his own mouth.
You want to come in?
Sure.
Cool.
Yeah, man,
she's pretty and funny
and smart and just awesome,
and I'm-I'm-I'm gonna
see her again tonight.
Hell yeah, man.
That's fucking awesome.
Yeah, it is. It is.
She's a little weird, I guess.
Weird how?
Well, like, uh,
she was walking around
with this huge wad
of cash all night.
So, she rich?
That's not weird.
That's tight.
She also doesn't
have a cell phone.
She doesn't have a...
a cell phone?
Yeah, no phone.
Okay, that is fucking weird.
Is it?
That is truly bizarre. Really?
Everyone has a cell phone. Not everyone.
Literally ev...
Who doesn't have a phone?
I don't know. Uh, members
of the Mennonite community
don't have cell phones.
People in
the Mennonite community?
Yeah. So she's, like,
walking around in a bonnet,
riding on a horse and buggy?
Is that what
you're telling me?
Yeah.
She's not a fucking Mennonite.
It's weird.
Yeah. Even Teddy has a cell phone.
Seriously? Yeah.
Yeah, but I guess I'm wondering,
should I be worried?
I don't know, man.
That's a little
out of my jurisdiction.
Baby! Rachel! RACHEL: Shh!
Oh, my God.
Eve is sleeping, you dum-dum.
Dum-dum doo-doo head.
Yeah. Good one, Teddy.
You go sit over there.
We're gonna make lunch.
Babe, we have
a question for you.
Is it weird that
the girl Bart met...
Bart met a girl?
I did. Oh, my God. That is so awesome.
But is it weird that
she doesn't have a phone?
Like, doesn't have
a cellular phone?
Right. DOUG: Mm-hmm.
Is she, like, a fake hipster
who plays the ukulele
and, like, wears a trash bag
around like a dress?
'Cause I'm too tired for that.
No, she's not like that.
She's a really normal,
cool girl.
Okay. Good.
Who just happens
to not have a phone.
Okay, it's still very
weird. It's rubbing me.
It's just rubbing me wrong.Yeah.
Everyone I know has a cell...
My grandma has a cell phone.
She's deaf.
But should I be worried,
is what I'm wondering.
'Cause she's really pretty
and really fun,
and I just kind of
want something good.
So, what's her deal?
Like, where is she from?
What does she do? Uh... Phew.
Not sure, and I'm not sure.
Oh, so you have
a very special connection.
We had a connection. We did.
We just didn't really talk
about that stuff.
Right. You didn't get into it because...
Were you just staring at her
boobs or whatever it is you do
when you think you're making
a huge connection?
So, what's wrong
with staring at boobs?
A lot.
Look, she's not an object.
This is a woman he's...
He-he doesn't know
where she's from.
Fine. Okay, you're right.
Honestly, I'm just so glad
that you're moving on,
because I really liked Whit,
but that was unhealthy.
Amen. Damn right.Unhealthy.
I'm just happy to see you
smiling again, bud.
Yeah.
But mostly,
I'm happy you got laid.
You got laid?!
Oh, this is fantastic.
Yeah. I'm so happy for you.
Hey, Teddy, Uncle Bart got laid.
Yay! DOUG & RACHEL: Yay!
Uncle Bart got laid.
Uncle Bart got laid.
Uncle Bart got laid.Wow.
Hey, B, I'm sorry
I keep calling.
I'm really trying
to give you space, I swear,
but I just got another
message from your doctor,
and I was just starting
to worry a little,
so, you know,
give them or me a call.
Okay? I just...
Hi.
Hi.
You look great.
Thank you. So do you.
Oh, thank you.
I was totally fishing
for that compliment, so...
Mm. I bet. There's always
something with you.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Shall we?
Yeah, let's.
Hey, you're not a Mennonite,
are you?
What? Nothing.
It's pretty incredible.
I'll say.
What's Beethoven's
favorite fruit?
I don't know. What is
Beethoven's favorite fruit?
Oh, my God. That is
way too big of a laugh.
That is a stupid old dad joke.
It's really funny. You love the dad jokes.
I can't believe
you've never heard that.
That's an old...
That's an old standby.
Well, it just slipped
through the cracks.
Mm.
So tell me stuff.
I feel like I-I didn't really
get the scoop last time.
What do you do?
Where you from?
Why are you here? Okay. Whoa.
Um, oh, man.
I work for
this government agency,
and I am from up north.
Cool, cool.
That's all super vague.
It's just really
freaking boring.
Uh-huh.
Continue.
I came to town to...
I don't know why I came to t...
I came to town to,
I guess, escape.
Escape what?
Ugh. Everything.
Work.
Life. My mom.
Mm. So I take it
you and your mom
have a stellar relationship?
Actually, we do.
Yeah, she's just sick.Oh.
Shit. I'm sorry.
Don't be.
It's not your fault.
It's my fault. Remember?
Cancer girl. Oh, fuck.
Cancer girl strikes again.
Yeah.
Is it... is it bad?
It's not good.
But it's mostly just exhausting.
So I thought getting away
for a little bit might be good.
Look at us having
so much in common
with our cancer moms.
I know, right?
Yeah. I remember my mom
talking about
what L.A. was like
before I was born.
And how she loved it so much.
How it seemed so romantic
and full of opportunity.
So...
I just wanted to see it.
It is awfully pretty.
Yeah.
And so different now.
Different from what?
Just from, like,
how I envisioned it, I guess.
Oh. I got it.
No, no, no, I got it.
No, no, no, it's fine.
Okay, what's going on here?
I'm paying.
Yeah, but that's got to be
like $10,000.
Yeah, I just didn't want
to leave it in the hotel.
But why do you even have it?
I'm sorry.
You're vague with your answers.
You don't have a phone.
I-I don't want to beat
a dead horse here,
but I'm legit getting
a little bit freaked out.
What's going on? It's complicated.
I'm sorry. You have to do
better than that.
I-I'm having
a great time with you,
but I'm just getting back
on my feet, okay?
And I-I can't handle
any crazy shit.
Okay.
I'm serious.
Okay. Let's talk
about it. Like, I'll leave.
I just don't want
to talk about it here.
Okay.Okay.
I love hummingbirds.
Yeah. They're great.
But we're back
in my apartment now,
away from the crowds
of people, so...
shoot.
Uh, well...
Oh, my God. Am I about
to wake up in a tub full of ice
without a kidney? No, no, no.
It's nothing like that.
It's just, um...
Buddy, come on. The suspense
is killing me here.
Just tell me what's going on.
It's just that...
Just tell me.
You're married.
No.
You're-you're on the run
from the law.
No. Um... You killed a man in Texas.
No, it's not...
it-it's not like that. It's...
Just tell me what the
deal is.I'm... No, I'm trying...
I mean, I-I'm here for
you. I'm trying to tell you.
I'm here. This is a safe space.
You can talk to me.
I'm-I'm from the future.
I'm from the future!
Okay. That makes total sense.
I am from...
Oh, my God, you're crazy.
Fuck, man.
Why couldn't you
just have taken a kidney?
I know it sounds crazy,
but I'm being serious.
Cool, cool, cool.
So, what, you're, like,
from the year 4000?
No, no, that's ridiculous.
Agreed. I'm from 2052. I...
Okay, time to go.
Look, I work for a division
of the NSA, okay?
Oh, good for you.
Sounds like a good cool job.
Yeah, it-it is nice, actually,
and I-I have dental and vision,
and that's something because
our health care system
is really fucked.
Yeah. So is ours.
Time to go now.
Would you please listen to me?
Just...
Would you hear me out?
Please.
Fine.
Okay.
No one really knows
about our branch.
It's kind of a secret division.
We're a research lab
supposedly studying
the transference of matter,
but what we really do is
the study of space and time.
And a while ago,
they figured out
how to actually transcend time.
So, since then, we've been
making changes to the past
to slightly alter our present
for the better.
Or that's the goal, at least.
Okay, so what,
you go back and you...
kill Hitler, that kind of thing?
No, you can't do
big things like that.
It's more like, um...
Back to the Future.
Oh, really?
You're from the future,
but you know the movie
Back to the Future?
Yeah, it's a classic.
You know Casablanca, don't you?
Okay, well, that actually
makes sense, but still.
Look, you can't go back
and prohibit your parents
from going to the Enchantment
Under the Sea dance,
or you might actually just,
like, disappear,
but if you make small,
almost imperceptible shifts,
you can change your present
slightly for the better.
Okay, like what?
Like the fact
that anyone gives even
a little bit of a shit
about climate change.
That is us.
So, what...
what are you here to do?
Am-am I, like, super important
in the future or something? Oh, my God.
Someone's got an inflated
ego. Believe me, I don't.
That's just a thing from
Bill & Ted's.
Who are Bill and Ted?
Oh, so that's not a classic?
Look, I am not even here
for that.
Ugh. I'm not technically
even supposed
to be allowed to jump, but...
My mom is really...
She really is sick.
And she's broke, and I don't
have the money to help her.
So the idea was to, um,
buy a few stocks, put them
in a safety-deposit box,
and they'd be worth enough
to help her when I get back.
And I didn't tell anybody
about this,
and it was supposed to be quick,
and I didn't expect
to meet someone,
and then I did, and you're...
great.
And now I don't know what to do.
Oh, my God.
This is just...
This is... Fuck.
I-I'm sorry.
Do you want me to go?
Yes.
No.
I don't know. This is just...
This-this is a lot, you know?
Yeah.
This is from
one of my favorite bands,
and they're called Long Weekend,
and the song came out
when I was in college,
and I just always
sort of loved it.
So...
Hello.
Hey.
Mm...
Um...
So, listen.
Mm-hmm.
Um...
I really like you,
but I can only stay here
for a little bit
before I have to...
get back.
So, can we just...
maybe enjoy this?
Just enjoy this?
Yeah.
Okay.
Great.
So, now that we got that
out of the way, um,
I need your help
with something first.
Okay, so why this place?
'Cause it's not going anywhere.
Just the one
safety-deposit box, then?
Yep. That's right. Yes, please.
And, uh,
will it be in your name?
In my name, but, um,
I'd like to make sure
that she has access
to the box, as well.
Right. Of course.
I'll just need your license.Sure.
Okay.
Now, if you could just
fill this out right here.
Mm-hmm.
All right, and this is yours.
And I'll leave you to it.
Thank you so much.
Well?
Right.
Hyundai?
Really?
Oh, yeah.
So...
you did have
ulterior motives here.
Yeah... Kind of.
Yes, it's true.
I had to find
somebody with an I.D.
Okay, so I'm... so I'm just
somebody with an I.D. to you?
No, of course not.
I could have found anyone.
There's a reason I came to you.
Because I was drunk and sleepy?
Exactly.
You were a very easy target.
But really, why... why me?
Oh, buddy.
There are
a lot of reasons, okay?
But...
just know that I-I was
drawn to you and I still am.
Okay. I can live with that.
Okay?
Yeah.
Okay.
So, what now?
Well, we could... sex?
Okay.
Whoa! Oh, my God.
Uh, okay.
I would like to see a bear.
Mm, this bear is
a terrible kisser.
Ah... Ah...
Keep going.
Keep your eyes closed.
Eyes closed.
And stop.
Now come to me.
Ah, I know you're close.
A snake.
Snake. How do I do a snake?
That's kind of a you problem.
That's how it is, huh?
That's not a snake.
That's for sure a snake.
Push, push, push. I am.
Hard. Hard.Well...
Three, two... Okay, step out.
Just let your arms go.
Oh...
Whoa.
Don't you have doorframes
in the future?
Yeah, but this is gonna blow
their fucking minds.
And... stop.
Oh, oh, shit. You o...
What's that thing?
This is a rattlesnake,
and it is its tail.
Oh.
Okay?
I can see.
Oh, God! Jesus.
So, how long do you have?
Um...
just a little bit.
Not long enough.
It's just, you know,
it gets tricky
if you stay too long.
Right.
The fucking future?
Yeah. 2052.
We have time travel in 2052?Not all of us.
She works for, um,
a secret branch
of the NSA or something.
Dude, that "or something"
is that this chick is crazy.
I thought so too,
but then she-she...
she kind of convinced me.
How? How?
She sang this song
from her favorite band.
And?
And it was a song
I'd never heard before.
I... That's it?
She didn't even try
to do the whole
future Biff convincing
past Biff he was real
by telling him
the outcome of a game?
No, I thought she would do
something like that,
but it was mostly just a song.
Do you understand how easy
it is to come up with a
song? It's not that easy.
It is so easy
to come up with a song.
I will do it right now.
Now I'm from the fucking future.
Worship me.
Okay, it-it was
better than that.
Okay, but that was pretty
fucking good, though, right?
It wasn't bad. Dude, come on.
"Flip-flop," "summer love."
That was off the top
of my dome, bruh.
I know. I know. I understand.
Like, it was catchy.
Like, "I might have missed
my calling" catchy.
Doug, it was more than
just a song, all right?
She was also just
really specific
and, like, really normal
and-and really sane,
and-and...
I can't explain why,
but I really do believe her.
I mean... Heh.
It could be true.
Dude, no one is happier than me
that you're getting
your beak wet.
Okay? I am thrilled.
You know,
with all that Whit stuff.
Don't bring that up, please.
After all the Whit stuff...
and the treatment...
Please, man... and all of that.
It's not that. I'm fine.
I know you are. It's not that.
I'm just saying maybe this isn't
the right thing for you
to get involved in.
Maybe you need something
a little more...
stable, you know?
Timmy Emerson.
Normal response.
What about him? Do you remember him?
Yes, I remember him.
He's the little cancer kid
from elementary school.
Who cares? When we were in fourth grade,
he was diagnosed
with stage IV leukemia.
Yeah, I know.
His Make-A-Wish was
to go to a live taping
of Full House.
I was super jealous of that.
That fall,
the doctors told his parents
treatments weren't working.
He wouldn't live past Christmas.
Christmas came.
Timmy was still here.
And then it was spring.
Timmy was still around.
He seemed fine.
And then his parents
took him for a checkup,
and the cancer was just gone.
You know?
I mean, that's fucking crazy.
Yeah.
If that's a thing
that happened in the world,
then why can't she be
from the future?
Because those are two
completely different things,
man.
But it's not, though.
It's inexplicable,
but it still happened, you know?
It's a crazy fucking thing,
and it still happened.
I mean, it's possible
is all I'm saying.
Yeah.
Okay. You know, they happened.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, buddy. Look.
I get it.
I do.
I know it's hard to recognize
when someone
you care about is sick.
I saw it with you, and...
Oh, my God. This isn't that.
I know.
This is different. I get it.
Okay? But it seems like
something's going on
with this girl.
Right? And I know it's scary
when you see someone
that you know really well
start to come unglued.
Man, she isn't me, okay?
This is very different.
Yes. Can you just sit down?
Don't do that. Don't do that.
Do what? Don't treat me like that.
I... I just don't want
to see you
take steps backwards.
That's all.
God. I don't want
your fucking help, Doug.
Barty.
Bart!
Okay, I'm ready.Okay.
And just keep in mind
I haven't done this in a while.
Understood. No judgment.Okay.
Ready? Yep.
Hit it.
Okay.
That's it.
Wow.
Bravo! Thank you.
Encore!
Okay. No.
That was really something.
Okay, it is your turn.
No, no, I can't com...
I can't compete with that.
Uh, I was never in
a dance recital.
Well, too bad.
You're gonna have to
figure out something to show me.
Yeah, this way.
Okay, so when I was
having my problems,
my doctor said
it would be good to have
a physical outlet of some kind,
so I started doing this.
Is this an exercise class
or something?
No.
What is it?
You'll see.
What?
It's dancing in the dark.
Don't think about anything.
Just dance and sweat and...
go crazy.
Okay, if you're really
from the future,
you're gonna have to
give me some specifics.
Like, are we all doomed?
Does George Martin ever
finish those books?
Do the Pirates win
the World Series ever?
I don't know offhand.
I'm not a sports almanac.
Well, then I don't know
if I believe you.
How about that? Oh, really? Seriously?
Yeah, I mean, you tell me
you've unlocked the secrets
of time travel, but all I have
to go off is a song you sang me
and your wildly charming
disposition.
Look, it isn't a good idea
for me to get into specifics.
But I can tell you
that someone as pale as you
is definitely the minority now.
Otherwise, I don't know.
I guess it's not that different.
It's hotter and drier
in some places,
colder and wetter in others.
There are more extremes.
There's still conflict and wars,
and most think it's worse
than it's ever been,
but I'm not sure
it's so different.
'Cause at the end of the day,
people still want
the same things, you know?
Still want to have good jobs,
go on vacation,
see the world, get drunk,
get married, get a dog,
buy a house, have some kids.
We all still want to feel
valued and happy
but are confused when we get
all the things we want
but still don't.
I guess we're all still messy
and flawed and confused
but just trying to do
the best we can, you know?
Just trying to find love.
Does that make sense?
I think so.
You're not just gonna
give me a little hint
about the Pirates
in the World Series?
Oh, my God, give it up.
That'd be too much.
But I will tell you
about this one time
when I was a little girl...
Maybe 6 or something...
There was
this huge meteor shower,
and it was the biggest one
in over, like,
a thousand years or something,
and my dad really wanted
to watch it with me,
so we drove out
to a desert like this one...
because he loved the desert
when he was alive.
Wow.
I guess he's alive right now.
So we packed up these snacks
and hot chocolate,
and we drove to the desert
and sat on a hill like this one.
And the showers weren't
supposed to start
till the middle
of the night, so...
I felt super cool
'cause I got to stay up late
and drink hot cocoa.
But then, eventually, I fell
asleep on his shoulder, and...
he woke me up.
He nudged me a little,
and he said:
"Hey, sweet pea, look up."
And above us was...
just a brilliant sight.
Thousands of meteors
streaking through the sky.
White and purple.
Blue with some green.
It was like the sky
had just exploded
into this amazing
celestial dance.
And it was just
the most beautiful sight
I've ever seen.
Can you imagine such a thing?
I can.
So don't miss it. Okay?
Okay.
Hello?
Vienna?
There you are.
Hey. Buddy.
You okay?
Yeah. Morning.
Morning.
Hi.
Hi.
Yeah, I'm good.
Do you want to hit the road?
Maybe get some coffee?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
Home sweet home.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hmm?
You okay?
Yeah.
I'm just...
real tired.
Cannonball! Ha-ha! Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Did I wake you?
You might have.
Oh, good, because we've got
things we have to do.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I made us a picnic
and everything.
So let's go. Come on, come on.
Out, out, out, out, out, out.
Up, up, up, up, up.
Go, go, go. Five minutes.
Okay. Well, then I guess
I could always go for some...
butthole.
No! No!
I want that butt. Ow.
Okay, I'm up. I'm up.
The mouse.
No, where? Yeah.
You see the two ears,
and then its little nose
right there?
You know I'm okay, right?
Okay.
Like, I'm not crazy, unstable.
You know, it's just...
it's just a thing
that happens when you travel.
It's... If you're out of
your own time for too long,
your brain chemistry
kind of shifts,
and then you can start
feeling, um,
untethered.
That's why I can't stay long.
Last fall, I, um...
I became really anxious about...
everything. Heh.
Like, life in general, I guess.
I mean, my-my mom died,
and things with, uh, Whit,
my ex, weren't great,
and I wasn't getting any work,
and I, like, stopped sleeping,
and I stopped going out,
and I stopped, like,
wanting to do anything.
And at some point,
I kind of lost touch
with what was real
and what wasn't.
You know?
Yeah, I do.
So that's when Doug stepped in
and made me get help.
And at first,
I was so pissed at him.
But looking back, I really...
I really needed it.
Just being a person
is hard, huh?
- Hold on. Slow down.
- Mi dispiace...
Mi dispiace, ma non parlo
bene l'italiano.
Mi dispiace, ma non...
Non parlo bene l'italiano.
Ma non parlo bene l'italiano.
Yeah. Oh.
Mm. That's good.
What does that mean?
It means, "I'm very sorry,
but I don't speak Italian
very well."
That's useful.Mm-hmm.
How do you know so much Italian?
Oh, my God. People got really
into Italian after Venice.
What happened in Venice?
What do you think
happened in Venice?
Mm, what else you got? Um...
Io sono un pessimo conversatore
ma un amante eccellente.
Translation?
"I am a bad conversationalist
but a superb lover."
Oh.
Yeah.
Use that one a lot, do you? Uh-huh.
You know, just some basics. Right.
Uh, does this need more salt?
Perfetto. Perfetto?
Si, si, si, si.Okay.
We just need more wine,
and we're good.
It's in the other room.
I'll get it.
Uh, what is the phrase again?
Io sono un pessimo conversatore
ma un amante eccellente.
Io sono un pessimo
conversatore...
Io sono
un pessimo conversatore...
Wha... bella, help me.
I'm stuck in a loop
with the "conversatore."
We need to start with
some basic phrases, I think.
Like, "Where's the bathroom?"
And, uh, "I'm lost."
And, "Thank you."
'Cause I'm-I'm kind of
shitting the bed on this.
Hey, hey.
Buddy, what's going on?
I'm sorry. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's okay. It's okay.
I'm sorry. I-I can't...
I got you.
I can't stop.
It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay.
Take deep breaths.
I've just stayed too long,
and...
I don't want to g-g-go.
Hey, hey.
We'll-we'll figure it out.
Okay. Take deep breaths.
It's okay. I got you.
I just don't know what to do,
because I love y-you.
I love you too.
It's gonna be okay.
We're gonna figure it out,
all right?
It's okay.
It's okay.
You're okay. Okay.
Hey.
It's all right.
Hey. You all right?
Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm fine.
I just, uh...
I'm sorry for being a dick, man.
I'm really sorry.
Barty, it's okay, man.
I just... I don't know...
I don't know what to do, Doug.
Just tell me what to do.
Uh, I don't know, man.
And if you really like
this girl...
I do. I do so much.
Well, then...
help her.
You know better than anyone.
Sometimes we've got to step in
and help the people we love.
Yeah, you're right.
Good advice.
Thanks, Doug.
I'm here, man.
Just call if you need
anything, okay?
Okay. Will do. You're the best.
Yeah.
Perfect.
Thanks-thanks for fitting us in.
Yeah, that's-that's correct.
Morning.
Morning.
Um...
I have something for us to do.
Okay.
Such a pretty day, isn't it?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is.
It's really pretty.
You don't believe me, do you?
I don't know.
I-I-I... I want to,
and I'm trying to,
but...
I don't know if I can.
Either way, I-I...
I don't want to lose you.
And the people inside,
they can help.
They-they... They helped me
last fall when I...
came untethered.
Just talk to the doctor,
and then we can go get
some food or something.
Yeah, of course.
It's no big deal.
He just, like, kind of
refers you to someone else.
You just sort of tell him
what's going on,
and then he makes an assessment,
and then that's it.
Low pressure.
Nice. I like low pressure.
I'll be here the whole time.
We're ready for you.
Okay.
Hey. It's gonna be fine.
Yeah.
Hey, you.
I love you.
And that's real, okay?
So...
you just remember that.
That this will always be real.
Okay, buddy?
Okay, buddy.
I love you too.
Sir, are you okay?
Sir!
Nurse, he's awake.
Can we have someone
in here, please?
Thank you.
Hey, pal.
All right.
Welcome back. How you feeling?
You've been in and out,
uh, for a while now.
I got a bad headache.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Well, if you push
that button right there,
you can get
a little hit of morphine.
I asked for one too,
but they were like, "Nah."
What's going on, Doug?
What is going on?
A lot is actually going on.
Well, I mean, the doctors
will explain this
way better than me,
way bigger words,
but you had a tumor
sitting on your brain, pal.
They, uh, said that
you're incredibly lucky
that you were at the hospital
when it ruptured.
Otherwise, you wouldn't
have made it.
But they...
They got it?
Yeah, they operated on you.
They got it out? Got it all out.
Scooped it out.
They said you'll be good as new
in a couple of days.
Well, that's good.
Yeah, it's really good, man.
It's really good.
Yeah.Jesus.
Yeah, it's a lot.
Um, where's Vienna?
Um...
Uh, okay, so...
so, oftentimes,
when someone has a tumor
pressed against their brain
like you did, um,
apparently, it can affect
the way that
they process information.
Right, but where is she?
Bart, can we wait
for the doctor to get here?
No, just tell me where she is.
I'd rather the doctor explain.
Doug, where is she?
Just tell me.
She's not real, Bart.
I tried to track her down.
I couldn't find anything.
None of her stuff is at
your apartment or at the hotel.
Yeah, yes, it is.
What are you talking about?
I know it sounds impossible,
but the doctor said
that this can happen.
This isn't funny, man.
Give me my phone.
I already checked that.
It's not...
Give me my phone, Doug!
What?
What the fuck?
You erased my pictures?
I didn't erase them.
They were never there.
You're lying.Bart.
Why are you doing this, man?
I'm not lying to you. What the fuck?
Bart.
Come here.
Come on, man.
It's okay.
I'm just happy you're here, man.
Cannonball!
Oh, you got me in the marbles,
Cannonball Guy,
and now you must pay.
It tickles!
Daddy, he's tickling me. I got ya!
All right, let's go.
All right, Booger Monster.
Let's give your Uncle Bart
some space
so he can get settled in.
Bye, Booger Monster.
All right.
I think it looks cool.
Could be worse.
Actually, up close,
it looks kind of gross.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's pretty fucking
disgusting. Yeah, seriously.
Thanks for getting my stuff.
Ah, no problem, man.
Although you might
want to, like,
go back and double-check
just to make sure
I got everything,
'cause I had Eve with me, so...
who knows what I left behind?
Will do.
Yeah. Ah.
You gonna be okay in here, man?
Oh, yeah.
I'll be super cozy.
Yeah, but are you gonna be,
like... like, okay?
Did I ever tell you about
the time I went down to Cancn?
Like, years ago with Whit? Yeah.
On the plane, I was sitting
next to this older Black guy
wearing a head-to-toe
cowboy outfit.
I don't believe this. It's true.
We get to talking,
and he tells me
he's from Maryland.
So I'm like, "What the hell's
up with the clothes?
I got to ask."
And he says that he used to be
a big rig driver
and he would crisscross
the country every week.
This one time,
he was outside of El Paso.
He was getting out of his
truck, and he spilled coffee
all over himself,
just everywhere.
So he goes to a truck stop
to get cleaned up,
but he decides he's just
gonna buy a new shirt,
but all they have
are cowboy shirts.
So, once he gets
the cowboy shirt,
he figures,
"Fuck it. Why not go all in?"
So he gets the boot and the hat
and the bolo tie,
the whole deal.
Goes into a diner
to get something to eat,
and as he walks in the door,
this little 3-year-old girl
just lights up
when she sees him.
Mm.Runs up to him,
gives him a big hug.
Has her dad come over
and take a picture together.
He said it was just great,
made his day.
But that's not it,
because for the next two days,
everywhere he goes
in this outfit,
people just light up
when they see him.
And that's when he realizes
that everyone loves
seeing a cowboy.
And he loved that feeling
so much of bringing
that, like, simple joy
into every room he walked into
that he decided
from that moment on,
he was always gonna dress
like a cowboy.
He seems like
a pretty chill guy.
Yeah.Yeah.
And I remember thinking, like:
"God, I want to have stories
like that when I'm older."
You know?
And now it's like...
well, I'm older, and...
I have stories, but...
I don't know, I just thought
my stories would be different.
I-I just...
I thought they'd be happier.
Come on, Barty.
They will be, man.
They will be.
You just got to give it time.
Just when I...
when I thought she was crazy,
she was still real.
You know, I could still...
hold her and smell her.
But now it's...
Look, man, you know
I don't subscribe to
the whole "everything happens
for a reason" bullshit,
but for some reason,
that girl...
or hallucination or...
I don't know, whatever
manifestation was caused
by that lemon-sized mass
on your frontal lobe
made it so that
you were at a hospital
exactly when you needed to be.
And for the life of me,
I can't figure out
a rational reason as to
why the fuck that would happen.
But it did, and you're here.
I don't know, man.
It's just...
I just know that that girl
came into your life
for a reason.
And that's enough for me.
I'll get you some cowboy stuff
if you want it.
That was actually the point
of my whole story.
Knock, knock.
Hey, Larry.
Hey. Just, uh, dropping by
to see how you're settling in
after your first week.
Oh, good. Good, I think.
Yeah, thanks.
That's great.
And just so you know,
everyone is so thrilled
to have you here.
And if you need
any more time to recover
for your head stuff,
that's totally cool.
I really appreciate that.
Thank you. Nah, come on.
Hey, it's a medical company.
If anyone knows
that medical stuff happens,
it's us, right?
Yeah, I guess...
I guess you would know that.
Keep up the good work, partner.Thanks.
Ah, ah.
Larry, you dumb idiot.
You forgot the reason
you came by... Your first check.
Ah.Yeah.
All right.
Now I'm really leaving.
Thank you.
Pound it.
Yeah, there you go.
That'll be our thing.
Thank God you're still alive.Yeah.
It's gonna take more than some
dumb tumor to get rid of me.
Oh, let me look at you.
Oh... if I was younger
and I would have seen you
across a bar with that...
Oh, yeah? I would've given you
the keys to the kingdom.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Man, you know,
in another life, Patricia,
you and me, we could've
been real destructive together.
I would have ruined your life.
Well, look, I got you something.
Oh, no. Really? Mm. Yes.
That's sweet. Here. For all the times
you saved my sanity,
one parting shot.That's...
Let's do it.Okay.
Thank you. Thank you.
Salud.Salud.
Ah.
Oh, I didn't tell you
who's moving in.
Mm. Tell me. Two EDM DJs.
Oof.EDM.
No.They're a couple.
That is so many
beats per minute.
It's gross.Wow. Love does find a way.
I guess it does.
Oh, you don't have to rush.
Those idiots aren't moving in
until tomorrow.
Oh, here we go.
Mr. Morelli.
No, you cannot keep
borrowing my plunger.
Because you're an adult
and this is disgusting.
Your IBS is not my problem.
This is you right here.
Thank you. Thanks very much.
I love you, buddy.
That's real.
Always yours, Vienna.
P.S. Look for the Pirates
to win big
in the late '20s.
over in Dr. Andrews' office.
Just calling to confirm
your follow-up appointment
with Dr. Andrews
tomorrow at 2.
Call if you have any
questions. We'll see you then.
Bart, it's Dr. Andrews.
We missed you at
your appointment yesterday,
so calling to check in.
It's important we maintain
contact with patients
for a few months
after they're under our care,
so let's get another
appointment in the books.
Just wanted to make sure
we avoid any backsliding.
Hey, B, it's Whit.
I got a call from
a psychiatrist's office
yesterday.
I guess I must still be listed
as your emergency contact.
You should probably
change that at some point.
Anyhow, um,
they wanted you to call
to set up an appointment soon.
I know it's
none of my business now,
but I just want to make sure
you're taking care of yourself.
So call them, Bart, please.
Okay, I'm thinking about you.
Bart, it's Dr. Andrews again.
It's really pertinent
that you continue to...
Okay, well,
I wish you hadn't done that.
But that doesn't make any sense.
Yeah.
409.Sorry, I dozed off there.
Okay, well,
this is an old building,
so, you know, you have to be
sensitive about the plumbing.
Can I?
Oh, help yourself. Okay, well,
you know,
the rule of thumb is that
if it's bigger than a goldfish,
you don't flush it.
No. No, no.
Okay, no, I'll send
a plumber over later.
Yeah. Bye.
That bitch
tried to flush
a gerbil down the toilet.
Who does that?
Are we allowed
to have gerbils here?
Not anymore. Fuck.
You're having a good day,
aren't you?
You're lucky you have booze.
Thanks for the shot.Yeah.
So we're showing this place
in 20 minutes. Is that okay?
Yeah.
I'm gonna get out of here.
Bart, don't leave me. I wish I could stay,
but unless you want to get them
to lower the rent by...
like, all of it, I got to go.
What am I gonna do without you?
You're gonna be fine.
Yeah, yeah.
So you'll be out
by the beginning of next month?
Yes, ma'am.
I'll miss you.
Oh, 206.
I hate my fucking job.
Eddie, what?
I'm not doing that.
Because I cannot control
when 306 has sex.
Okay, well, I can't tell someone
they have to fuck on their couch
because their mattress
is too loud.
Oh... shit!
Come on in, man. I'd offer
to help, but hands are full.
Also, I don't want to.
That all your shit? No.
Not all, but not much left.
Right on.
We got plenty of space.
Teddy, don't do that.
I'm not Teddy. I'm Naked Guy.
All right, well, Naked Guy,
don't do that.
Jeez. Rachel! Rach!
Jesus, I'm going
to the bathroom.
Eve needs you, and Naked Guy's
fucking up the chair again.
I just want
two seconds of peace.
Oh, my God, I'm just a dad!
Let's get you situated, man.
Come on.
Naked Guy!
Man, are you sure
me staying here isn't too much?
Fuck no, man. You need
to get out of that place.
Besides, it'll be fun
having you around.
It's like old times, you know?
Rachel? Rachel!
You could stay here as long
as you want, dude. Seriously.
The kids love you. RACHEL: Hey, I got her.
Oh.Listen, Teddy has left
something very upsetting next
to the toilet on the floor.
If you could... Hi, Bart.
Hi.Welcome.
So happy to have you.
Don't use the bathroom.
Are you on your way? Oh. Yeah.
Okay. Bye.
I should get this job, so I'll
be out of your hair soon.
Dude, shut up.
All right?
You can stay here forever.
I mean that. Okay?
Mm.
Wow.
So, yeah, man, um,
I read through your samples,
and, um,
I mean, I'm no literary critic
or anything,
but they seem really good to me.
Thank you. For real, dude.
I love this one about the guy
whose fiance left him
and then he has
a nervous breakdown.
I mean, that's...
It feels so real.
Well, it should.
I thought Marley & Me
was sad, but...
Hey, hey, you ever see
Marley & Me?
I-I have not. Oh, you should.
I love dog movies.
But spoiler, the pup dies.
Mm.
I kind of feel like
you're too good for this job.
Oh. Well, thanks for
saying that, but, you know,
to be honest, stories like that
don't really help
keep the lights on.
Well, you won't write anything
super creative like that
for our catalogs,
but, uh, I bet
you'll have fun with it.
Writing is writing to me,
you know, honestly,
so I am happy
to tackle anything.
Okay. Well, it's
pretty straightforward.
We give you a product
and a bunch of research data,
and then you just
write up something
that sounds exciting
to our clients.
Um, like this fella.
Uh, this is, uh, a new catheter.
Yeah, you can hold it.
It's smaller and more malleable.
You barely even know it's there.
Well, probably,
you know it's there
because it's a huge tube
that's going up your penis.
Well, smaller and more malleable
does seem advantageous
in the world of penis tubes. See?
That already sounds better.
Well, we'll let you know.
And, uh, hey, I always
tell new friends...
I'm really into game nights,
if you ever host one.
Hey, one, please.
Bart, Dr. Andrews again.
Uh, still haven't heard
from you.
I would really encourage you
to set an appointment soon.
It's really not a big thing.
It's just to assess
how you're feeling
and make sure the new dosage
is working for you.
So, uh, just call my office,
and we will get you in here.
And it was
the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.
Hey, buddy.
Buddy.
Hey, buddy.
The movie's over.
Hmm?
The movie's over.
Oh, shit.
Thanks.Mm-hmm.
Hey! Hey, bud.
Your jacket.
Oh, shit. Thanks.Yeah.
You left it, uh, on your seat.
Uh... Heh.
I was kind of drinking
a little bit in there.
Yeah, I saw that.
Oh, wow.
I'm really batting
a thousand here, aren't I?
It's okay. It seems like
a pretty fun way
to spend an afternoon.
Yeah. I've had worse.
Thanks. Thanks again.
Hey. Hmm?
Do you know where I could maybe
grab one of those around here?
Oh, you mean go get a drink?
Yeah.
Um, there's two bars
pretty close, actually.
Uh, one is kind of a dive.Uh-huh.
And the other is, like,
a little fancier.
It's one of those craft
cocktail mixology type places.
Okay, cool. Let's go.
I'm sorry. You want me to go?
Yeah. I just... I don't really
know the area that well,
and I've just been
wandering around by myself,
and honestly,
I'm getting a little bored.
You seem like you're
a relatively harmless human.
You don't murder people, do you?
No. Murder-free thus far.
Cool.
So long as you keep
that streak alive,
I think you should come
have a drink with me.
Really?
Really. Come on.
All right. Fuck it.
Let's drink, then.
Lead the way.
Okay.
Hey. I'm Vienna.
Hi. I'm-I'm Bart.
Nice to meet you.
Wait. Really? Yeah.
It's a good movie. One
of your favorite films
and you've seen it
over a hundred times,
and you can't articulate why.
It's just, you know,
"a really good movie."
I guess, uh...
I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm kind of
an emotional person, I guess.
Okay.
And, um, a few years ago,
I happened to catch
Being Thereon TV, and I don't...
I-I don't know why, but...
somehow, watching it
on my couch that day,
like, something just
kind of clicked for me.
Life is gonna be sad
and stressful
and-and-and tragic
and devastating,
and that's just unavoidable,
you know?
But-but that movie is like
a reminder that
it's all a state of mind.
You know, we could make
all that shit
as big or as little as we want.
Uh...
I'm not saying the movie,
like, cured me or anything,
but in that moment, it did
make me feel a little better.
Well, that's something.Hmm.
And did it do that today?
Uh, not really.
Why not? I don't know. Just didn't.
Doing okay, folks?
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're good.
Thanks.
So, uh, what brings you to town?
Wh... Um... Like, where are you from,
and what do you do,
and why are you here?
Let's, uh, get out of here.
Yeah? Yeah?
Mm-hmm.Yeah.
Take me to that dive bar.
Really? Yeah.
This is too fancy. All right, let's go.
I got the check. Um, I can get it.
Just...
Jesus Christ.
Are you going
to the strip club later,
or did you just rob a bank? What?
No, no, no, I, um,
just have problems
with my bank card,
so I-I brought cash for my trip.
Is 60 good?
60? That's way too much.
It'll be like half that, or...
Nice tip. Here.Oh.
Okay. Cool.
L.A. prices, I just thought
it would be more.
Take me to this dive.
All right. Oh, wait.
So is this funky bar of yours...
are they, like,
strict about carding?
'Cause I forgot my I.D.
at home.
Well, you look way over 21,
so I think you'll be fine.
Cool. Trying to be charming.
You're a cute girl.
You'll be... You'll be fine.
Oh, you think I'm cute? Huh.
Well, yeah.
I mean, you look great for 50.
Oh, my God.
Look at those!
Sparklers?
Yeah. Sparklers.
I-I didn't know they-they-they
made those anymore.
You're kind of
easily impressed, aren't you?
I-I've just never done
a sparkler before, so...
I'm sorry. What? Yep.
You've never played
with a sparkler?
Nope.
Did you have a childhood?
Yes, I did.
I just didn't play
with sparklers, I guess.
Okay, hold on.
What? One second.
Okay.
- This is... That looks like fun.
- Can I, can I...
can I buy two sparklers
for one whole dollar?
Okay. BART: All right. Thanks!
What?
How'd you do that?
I gave him a dollar.
To a kid,
that's like a million bucks.
You didn't have to do that.
I did have to do that
because you've never played
with a sparkler,
and that's just weird,
and I don't want
to hang out with a weirdo.
Okay.
I did it for
selfish reasons, really.
Okay, fine.Okay.
All right. Here goes.
What little crooks.
This is really anticlima...
Kind of hurts your hand.
Yeah, that's why you got to
run with it. Run! Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not running alone.
You...
This is not some solo show, bro.
You've got to run with me.
Come on! Aah!
If you want mediocrity
in impressions
or just in life in general,
uh, you've come
to the right guy.
Pacino.
Oh...
Funny. Funny guy.
So scary.
Jimmy Stewart.
J-Jimmy Stewart. I, uh...
I-I don't have... I don't
have your money, Mr. Potter.
I don't... I don't know
where your money is.
These are legitimately good.
Oh, hold on one second.
Wait, what are you doing?
Uh, the-the dive
only takes cash, so...
Yeah, but I-I've got cash.
I know you have cash.
You have, like, all of the cash.
But I can't let you buy
my drinks all night.
I got to pull my weight
a little bit.
And now I've got your pass code.
Hey, ho.
Hey, ho.Oh.
Is that... Is that what you do?
That's how you got
all that cash?
Mm-hmm.
You just sidle up to
handsome dudes...
Yeah.
And charm them till they let
their guard down at an ATM?
Mm-hmm.
And now I'm going to take you
for everything you're worth.
Well, you done picked
the wrong mark, buddy,
because I got...
324 bucks in there.
Feel free to rob me blind. Oh, my God.
You're not kidding. I'm not kidding.
I'm gonna do it. Take it.
Really, it won't matter.
It really won't.
Ma'am, would you like
my bank pass code?
Did you just call me "ma'am"?
Yes, I did. That's my bad.
Apologies.
So sorry. Have a nice night.
He's drunk. Ha-ha. Cute dog.
So it was, like, a hopeful look
at humanity? How novel.
Oh, yeah. It was
a novel idea for a novel.
Not novel enough for anyone
to publish it, but...
Yeah, well, they're
dummies. Yeah, maybe not.
And how'd you come up
with this novel idea?
Um, I don't know.
I-I think...
actually,
mostly 'cause my mom died.
I'm sorry. Don't be.
I'm pretty sure
it wasn't your fault.
Yeah, well, you don't know me.
You don't know
what I'm capable of.
Are you the one wandering around
giving everyone cancer? Yes.
Ah.
That's me.
Ah. That's you? I am cancer girl.
Whoa. Crazy.
So you're a real bad person.
So, um, how long ago
did she pass?
Um...
like a year ago.
Ah.
As soon as the doctor
told her that she had
a-a year or so to live,
she became
almost instantly happier.
What?
Yeah.
Wait, how is that possible?
I think it's like,
as soon as she realized
that she just had
this limited amount of time,
she just kind of relaxed
and, like, all the things
that she was worried about
in her life...
Like, what was she gonna do
about retirement?
Uh, would she have to
sell her house?
Was-was her relationship
going anywhere?
All that stuff just didn't
matter anymore, you know?
It was kind of
suddenly inconsequential.
The only thing
that mattered was just
her happiness in that moment
and what was
right in front of her.
And just, like, being alive
while she could, you know?
Anyway,
that's-that's where the...
that's where the idea
for the novel first came from.
Hmm.
Do you want to do shots?
Yeah.
Mm, uh, how about that one?
Oh, F yeah. I'd totally dance
to that shit.
What is that? H-1-4.
What?
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
I'm just, like, are you real?
Or are you, like, one of those...
Um, what do you call them?
Manic pixie dream girls?
What, you think I'm, like,
here to save you?
Is that it? I'm just saying, like,
beautiful strangers don't
usually just walk up to me
and ask me to go out for drinks,
have a great time. Listen, man.
I don't know anyone in town.Hmm.
So, you know, I'd be happy
to find another tour guide.
I mean, I'm sure any one
of these barflies
would love to show me around.
Hey, Slim, do you like
Peter Sellers?
No.
Okay.
We're okay. No, no, listen.
I'm...
Don't get me wrong, okay?
I'm glad you did.Good.
'Cause that theory is dumb.
All right, all right, all right.
Also, I could have
ulterior motives.
I could totally
be using you right now.
Really? For what?
Quarters, motherfucker.
Hand 'em over.
That's all I got.
Okay.
My fiance left me after I had
some emotional problems,
and now I'm broke
and have to take a crap job
and move into
my best friend's garage,
and my life is in
total shambles.
Yeah?
Yeah.
So that's why I went
to the movie today.
Well, then...
I, for one,
am really glad you did.
Me too.
Oh, shit.
Okay. VIENNA: What's our motivation?
Like, frowning faces
or, like, sexy...
Oh, shit. Oh! I think we're winging it.
Here it comes.
No, they're too fast.
They're coming really fast. It's too...
Oh!
Do it. I won't judge.
Come on, let it loose. This is your thing.
It's not mine. I know, but I-I-I let myself
loose, naked,
vulnerable for you,
so please just give it
to me once real fast.
You talkin' to me?
Are you talkin' to me?
Oh, no.Wow.
That is really bad.
That is...
I told you it was bad. It's like...
It's like you're De Niro
but as a slow Saint Bernard.
It's like you're the taxi driver
who had a stroke and...
That's me.
And got in too many
car accidents.
Okay. I will have you know,
I am very good
at animal impressions.
Ooh, that's exciting.
Yeah.Lion. Go.
I wish I could, but this is me.
Oh. Jesus.
Okay.
Um, how do I do this?
Do I take your number?
Is that proper etiquette?
Yeah. Sounds about right.
Okay.
It's just,
I don't have a phone.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Okay...
What's going on here? Shh.
So you're not from around here,
you don't have an I.D.,
you're balling around
with huge stacks of cash,
and you don't have a phone?
I mean, are you
a hit man or something?
Oh, no.
Seriously, what's...? You found out.
Oh, shit.
Do it quickly.
No, I just broke my phone.Wow.
So you have to give me
your number.
Deal.
Oh. Who are those slobs? I don't know.
Who are those weirdos?
Cool.
I'll call you sometime.
Yeah, please do.
Bye.
Bye.
Good night. Okay, good night.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You have to kiss her.
In this situation,
you have to kiss her.
How many fucking chances
do you get like that?
Hi. Uh, just a quick question.
Is now too soon?
Night, buddy.
Night.
I met a girl. DOUG: Ah.
I just watched my son piss
in his own mouth.
You want to come in?
Sure.
Cool.
Yeah, man,
she's pretty and funny
and smart and just awesome,
and I'm-I'm-I'm gonna
see her again tonight.
Hell yeah, man.
That's fucking awesome.
Yeah, it is. It is.
She's a little weird, I guess.
Weird how?
Well, like, uh,
she was walking around
with this huge wad
of cash all night.
So, she rich?
That's not weird.
That's tight.
She also doesn't
have a cell phone.
She doesn't have a...
a cell phone?
Yeah, no phone.
Okay, that is fucking weird.
Is it?
That is truly bizarre. Really?
Everyone has a cell phone. Not everyone.
Literally ev...
Who doesn't have a phone?
I don't know. Uh, members
of the Mennonite community
don't have cell phones.
People in
the Mennonite community?
Yeah. So she's, like,
walking around in a bonnet,
riding on a horse and buggy?
Is that what
you're telling me?
Yeah.
She's not a fucking Mennonite.
It's weird.
Yeah. Even Teddy has a cell phone.
Seriously? Yeah.
Yeah, but I guess I'm wondering,
should I be worried?
I don't know, man.
That's a little
out of my jurisdiction.
Baby! Rachel! RACHEL: Shh!
Oh, my God.
Eve is sleeping, you dum-dum.
Dum-dum doo-doo head.
Yeah. Good one, Teddy.
You go sit over there.
We're gonna make lunch.
Babe, we have
a question for you.
Is it weird that
the girl Bart met...
Bart met a girl?
I did. Oh, my God. That is so awesome.
But is it weird that
she doesn't have a phone?
Like, doesn't have
a cellular phone?
Right. DOUG: Mm-hmm.
Is she, like, a fake hipster
who plays the ukulele
and, like, wears a trash bag
around like a dress?
'Cause I'm too tired for that.
No, she's not like that.
She's a really normal,
cool girl.
Okay. Good.
Who just happens
to not have a phone.
Okay, it's still very
weird. It's rubbing me.
It's just rubbing me wrong.Yeah.
Everyone I know has a cell...
My grandma has a cell phone.
She's deaf.
But should I be worried,
is what I'm wondering.
'Cause she's really pretty
and really fun,
and I just kind of
want something good.
So, what's her deal?
Like, where is she from?
What does she do? Uh... Phew.
Not sure, and I'm not sure.
Oh, so you have
a very special connection.
We had a connection. We did.
We just didn't really talk
about that stuff.
Right. You didn't get into it because...
Were you just staring at her
boobs or whatever it is you do
when you think you're making
a huge connection?
So, what's wrong
with staring at boobs?
A lot.
Look, she's not an object.
This is a woman he's...
He-he doesn't know
where she's from.
Fine. Okay, you're right.
Honestly, I'm just so glad
that you're moving on,
because I really liked Whit,
but that was unhealthy.
Amen. Damn right.Unhealthy.
I'm just happy to see you
smiling again, bud.
Yeah.
But mostly,
I'm happy you got laid.
You got laid?!
Oh, this is fantastic.
Yeah. I'm so happy for you.
Hey, Teddy, Uncle Bart got laid.
Yay! DOUG & RACHEL: Yay!
Uncle Bart got laid.
Uncle Bart got laid.
Uncle Bart got laid.Wow.
Hey, B, I'm sorry
I keep calling.
I'm really trying
to give you space, I swear,
but I just got another
message from your doctor,
and I was just starting
to worry a little,
so, you know,
give them or me a call.
Okay? I just...
Hi.
Hi.
You look great.
Thank you. So do you.
Oh, thank you.
I was totally fishing
for that compliment, so...
Mm. I bet. There's always
something with you.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Shall we?
Yeah, let's.
Hey, you're not a Mennonite,
are you?
What? Nothing.
It's pretty incredible.
I'll say.
What's Beethoven's
favorite fruit?
I don't know. What is
Beethoven's favorite fruit?
Oh, my God. That is
way too big of a laugh.
That is a stupid old dad joke.
It's really funny. You love the dad jokes.
I can't believe
you've never heard that.
That's an old...
That's an old standby.
Well, it just slipped
through the cracks.
Mm.
So tell me stuff.
I feel like I-I didn't really
get the scoop last time.
What do you do?
Where you from?
Why are you here? Okay. Whoa.
Um, oh, man.
I work for
this government agency,
and I am from up north.
Cool, cool.
That's all super vague.
It's just really
freaking boring.
Uh-huh.
Continue.
I came to town to...
I don't know why I came to t...
I came to town to,
I guess, escape.
Escape what?
Ugh. Everything.
Work.
Life. My mom.
Mm. So I take it
you and your mom
have a stellar relationship?
Actually, we do.
Yeah, she's just sick.Oh.
Shit. I'm sorry.
Don't be.
It's not your fault.
It's my fault. Remember?
Cancer girl. Oh, fuck.
Cancer girl strikes again.
Yeah.
Is it... is it bad?
It's not good.
But it's mostly just exhausting.
So I thought getting away
for a little bit might be good.
Look at us having
so much in common
with our cancer moms.
I know, right?
Yeah. I remember my mom
talking about
what L.A. was like
before I was born.
And how she loved it so much.
How it seemed so romantic
and full of opportunity.
So...
I just wanted to see it.
It is awfully pretty.
Yeah.
And so different now.
Different from what?
Just from, like,
how I envisioned it, I guess.
Oh. I got it.
No, no, no, I got it.
No, no, no, it's fine.
Okay, what's going on here?
I'm paying.
Yeah, but that's got to be
like $10,000.
Yeah, I just didn't want
to leave it in the hotel.
But why do you even have it?
I'm sorry.
You're vague with your answers.
You don't have a phone.
I-I don't want to beat
a dead horse here,
but I'm legit getting
a little bit freaked out.
What's going on? It's complicated.
I'm sorry. You have to do
better than that.
I-I'm having
a great time with you,
but I'm just getting back
on my feet, okay?
And I-I can't handle
any crazy shit.
Okay.
I'm serious.
Okay. Let's talk
about it. Like, I'll leave.
I just don't want
to talk about it here.
Okay.Okay.
I love hummingbirds.
Yeah. They're great.
But we're back
in my apartment now,
away from the crowds
of people, so...
shoot.
Uh, well...
Oh, my God. Am I about
to wake up in a tub full of ice
without a kidney? No, no, no.
It's nothing like that.
It's just, um...
Buddy, come on. The suspense
is killing me here.
Just tell me what's going on.
It's just that...
Just tell me.
You're married.
No.
You're-you're on the run
from the law.
No. Um... You killed a man in Texas.
No, it's not...
it-it's not like that. It's...
Just tell me what the
deal is.I'm... No, I'm trying...
I mean, I-I'm here for
you. I'm trying to tell you.
I'm here. This is a safe space.
You can talk to me.
I'm-I'm from the future.
I'm from the future!
Okay. That makes total sense.
I am from...
Oh, my God, you're crazy.
Fuck, man.
Why couldn't you
just have taken a kidney?
I know it sounds crazy,
but I'm being serious.
Cool, cool, cool.
So, what, you're, like,
from the year 4000?
No, no, that's ridiculous.
Agreed. I'm from 2052. I...
Okay, time to go.
Look, I work for a division
of the NSA, okay?
Oh, good for you.
Sounds like a good cool job.
Yeah, it-it is nice, actually,
and I-I have dental and vision,
and that's something because
our health care system
is really fucked.
Yeah. So is ours.
Time to go now.
Would you please listen to me?
Just...
Would you hear me out?
Please.
Fine.
Okay.
No one really knows
about our branch.
It's kind of a secret division.
We're a research lab
supposedly studying
the transference of matter,
but what we really do is
the study of space and time.
And a while ago,
they figured out
how to actually transcend time.
So, since then, we've been
making changes to the past
to slightly alter our present
for the better.
Or that's the goal, at least.
Okay, so what,
you go back and you...
kill Hitler, that kind of thing?
No, you can't do
big things like that.
It's more like, um...
Back to the Future.
Oh, really?
You're from the future,
but you know the movie
Back to the Future?
Yeah, it's a classic.
You know Casablanca, don't you?
Okay, well, that actually
makes sense, but still.
Look, you can't go back
and prohibit your parents
from going to the Enchantment
Under the Sea dance,
or you might actually just,
like, disappear,
but if you make small,
almost imperceptible shifts,
you can change your present
slightly for the better.
Okay, like what?
Like the fact
that anyone gives even
a little bit of a shit
about climate change.
That is us.
So, what...
what are you here to do?
Am-am I, like, super important
in the future or something? Oh, my God.
Someone's got an inflated
ego. Believe me, I don't.
That's just a thing from
Bill & Ted's.
Who are Bill and Ted?
Oh, so that's not a classic?
Look, I am not even here
for that.
Ugh. I'm not technically
even supposed
to be allowed to jump, but...
My mom is really...
She really is sick.
And she's broke, and I don't
have the money to help her.
So the idea was to, um,
buy a few stocks, put them
in a safety-deposit box,
and they'd be worth enough
to help her when I get back.
And I didn't tell anybody
about this,
and it was supposed to be quick,
and I didn't expect
to meet someone,
and then I did, and you're...
great.
And now I don't know what to do.
Oh, my God.
This is just...
This is... Fuck.
I-I'm sorry.
Do you want me to go?
Yes.
No.
I don't know. This is just...
This-this is a lot, you know?
Yeah.
This is from
one of my favorite bands,
and they're called Long Weekend,
and the song came out
when I was in college,
and I just always
sort of loved it.
So...
Hello.
Hey.
Mm...
Um...
So, listen.
Mm-hmm.
Um...
I really like you,
but I can only stay here
for a little bit
before I have to...
get back.
So, can we just...
maybe enjoy this?
Just enjoy this?
Yeah.
Okay.
Great.
So, now that we got that
out of the way, um,
I need your help
with something first.
Okay, so why this place?
'Cause it's not going anywhere.
Just the one
safety-deposit box, then?
Yep. That's right. Yes, please.
And, uh,
will it be in your name?
In my name, but, um,
I'd like to make sure
that she has access
to the box, as well.
Right. Of course.
I'll just need your license.Sure.
Okay.
Now, if you could just
fill this out right here.
Mm-hmm.
All right, and this is yours.
And I'll leave you to it.
Thank you so much.
Well?
Right.
Hyundai?
Really?
Oh, yeah.
So...
you did have
ulterior motives here.
Yeah... Kind of.
Yes, it's true.
I had to find
somebody with an I.D.
Okay, so I'm... so I'm just
somebody with an I.D. to you?
No, of course not.
I could have found anyone.
There's a reason I came to you.
Because I was drunk and sleepy?
Exactly.
You were a very easy target.
But really, why... why me?
Oh, buddy.
There are
a lot of reasons, okay?
But...
just know that I-I was
drawn to you and I still am.
Okay. I can live with that.
Okay?
Yeah.
Okay.
So, what now?
Well, we could... sex?
Okay.
Whoa! Oh, my God.
Uh, okay.
I would like to see a bear.
Mm, this bear is
a terrible kisser.
Ah... Ah...
Keep going.
Keep your eyes closed.
Eyes closed.
And stop.
Now come to me.
Ah, I know you're close.
A snake.
Snake. How do I do a snake?
That's kind of a you problem.
That's how it is, huh?
That's not a snake.
That's for sure a snake.
Push, push, push. I am.
Hard. Hard.Well...
Three, two... Okay, step out.
Just let your arms go.
Oh...
Whoa.
Don't you have doorframes
in the future?
Yeah, but this is gonna blow
their fucking minds.
And... stop.
Oh, oh, shit. You o...
What's that thing?
This is a rattlesnake,
and it is its tail.
Oh.
Okay?
I can see.
Oh, God! Jesus.
So, how long do you have?
Um...
just a little bit.
Not long enough.
It's just, you know,
it gets tricky
if you stay too long.
Right.
The fucking future?
Yeah. 2052.
We have time travel in 2052?Not all of us.
She works for, um,
a secret branch
of the NSA or something.
Dude, that "or something"
is that this chick is crazy.
I thought so too,
but then she-she...
she kind of convinced me.
How? How?
She sang this song
from her favorite band.
And?
And it was a song
I'd never heard before.
I... That's it?
She didn't even try
to do the whole
future Biff convincing
past Biff he was real
by telling him
the outcome of a game?
No, I thought she would do
something like that,
but it was mostly just a song.
Do you understand how easy
it is to come up with a
song? It's not that easy.
It is so easy
to come up with a song.
I will do it right now.
Now I'm from the fucking future.
Worship me.
Okay, it-it was
better than that.
Okay, but that was pretty
fucking good, though, right?
It wasn't bad. Dude, come on.
"Flip-flop," "summer love."
That was off the top
of my dome, bruh.
I know. I know. I understand.
Like, it was catchy.
Like, "I might have missed
my calling" catchy.
Doug, it was more than
just a song, all right?
She was also just
really specific
and, like, really normal
and-and really sane,
and-and...
I can't explain why,
but I really do believe her.
I mean... Heh.
It could be true.
Dude, no one is happier than me
that you're getting
your beak wet.
Okay? I am thrilled.
You know,
with all that Whit stuff.
Don't bring that up, please.
After all the Whit stuff...
and the treatment...
Please, man... and all of that.
It's not that. I'm fine.
I know you are. It's not that.
I'm just saying maybe this isn't
the right thing for you
to get involved in.
Maybe you need something
a little more...
stable, you know?
Timmy Emerson.
Normal response.
What about him? Do you remember him?
Yes, I remember him.
He's the little cancer kid
from elementary school.
Who cares? When we were in fourth grade,
he was diagnosed
with stage IV leukemia.
Yeah, I know.
His Make-A-Wish was
to go to a live taping
of Full House.
I was super jealous of that.
That fall,
the doctors told his parents
treatments weren't working.
He wouldn't live past Christmas.
Christmas came.
Timmy was still here.
And then it was spring.
Timmy was still around.
He seemed fine.
And then his parents
took him for a checkup,
and the cancer was just gone.
You know?
I mean, that's fucking crazy.
Yeah.
If that's a thing
that happened in the world,
then why can't she be
from the future?
Because those are two
completely different things,
man.
But it's not, though.
It's inexplicable,
but it still happened, you know?
It's a crazy fucking thing,
and it still happened.
I mean, it's possible
is all I'm saying.
Yeah.
Okay. You know, they happened.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, buddy. Look.
I get it.
I do.
I know it's hard to recognize
when someone
you care about is sick.
I saw it with you, and...
Oh, my God. This isn't that.
I know.
This is different. I get it.
Okay? But it seems like
something's going on
with this girl.
Right? And I know it's scary
when you see someone
that you know really well
start to come unglued.
Man, she isn't me, okay?
This is very different.
Yes. Can you just sit down?
Don't do that. Don't do that.
Do what? Don't treat me like that.
I... I just don't want
to see you
take steps backwards.
That's all.
God. I don't want
your fucking help, Doug.
Barty.
Bart!
Okay, I'm ready.Okay.
And just keep in mind
I haven't done this in a while.
Understood. No judgment.Okay.
Ready? Yep.
Hit it.
Okay.
That's it.
Wow.
Bravo! Thank you.
Encore!
Okay. No.
That was really something.
Okay, it is your turn.
No, no, I can't com...
I can't compete with that.
Uh, I was never in
a dance recital.
Well, too bad.
You're gonna have to
figure out something to show me.
Yeah, this way.
Okay, so when I was
having my problems,
my doctor said
it would be good to have
a physical outlet of some kind,
so I started doing this.
Is this an exercise class
or something?
No.
What is it?
You'll see.
What?
It's dancing in the dark.
Don't think about anything.
Just dance and sweat and...
go crazy.
Okay, if you're really
from the future,
you're gonna have to
give me some specifics.
Like, are we all doomed?
Does George Martin ever
finish those books?
Do the Pirates win
the World Series ever?
I don't know offhand.
I'm not a sports almanac.
Well, then I don't know
if I believe you.
How about that? Oh, really? Seriously?
Yeah, I mean, you tell me
you've unlocked the secrets
of time travel, but all I have
to go off is a song you sang me
and your wildly charming
disposition.
Look, it isn't a good idea
for me to get into specifics.
But I can tell you
that someone as pale as you
is definitely the minority now.
Otherwise, I don't know.
I guess it's not that different.
It's hotter and drier
in some places,
colder and wetter in others.
There are more extremes.
There's still conflict and wars,
and most think it's worse
than it's ever been,
but I'm not sure
it's so different.
'Cause at the end of the day,
people still want
the same things, you know?
Still want to have good jobs,
go on vacation,
see the world, get drunk,
get married, get a dog,
buy a house, have some kids.
We all still want to feel
valued and happy
but are confused when we get
all the things we want
but still don't.
I guess we're all still messy
and flawed and confused
but just trying to do
the best we can, you know?
Just trying to find love.
Does that make sense?
I think so.
You're not just gonna
give me a little hint
about the Pirates
in the World Series?
Oh, my God, give it up.
That'd be too much.
But I will tell you
about this one time
when I was a little girl...
Maybe 6 or something...
There was
this huge meteor shower,
and it was the biggest one
in over, like,
a thousand years or something,
and my dad really wanted
to watch it with me,
so we drove out
to a desert like this one...
because he loved the desert
when he was alive.
Wow.
I guess he's alive right now.
So we packed up these snacks
and hot chocolate,
and we drove to the desert
and sat on a hill like this one.
And the showers weren't
supposed to start
till the middle
of the night, so...
I felt super cool
'cause I got to stay up late
and drink hot cocoa.
But then, eventually, I fell
asleep on his shoulder, and...
he woke me up.
He nudged me a little,
and he said:
"Hey, sweet pea, look up."
And above us was...
just a brilliant sight.
Thousands of meteors
streaking through the sky.
White and purple.
Blue with some green.
It was like the sky
had just exploded
into this amazing
celestial dance.
And it was just
the most beautiful sight
I've ever seen.
Can you imagine such a thing?
I can.
So don't miss it. Okay?
Okay.
Hello?
Vienna?
There you are.
Hey. Buddy.
You okay?
Yeah. Morning.
Morning.
Hi.
Hi.
Yeah, I'm good.
Do you want to hit the road?
Maybe get some coffee?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
Home sweet home.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hmm?
You okay?
Yeah.
I'm just...
real tired.
Cannonball! Ha-ha! Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Did I wake you?
You might have.
Oh, good, because we've got
things we have to do.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I made us a picnic
and everything.
So let's go. Come on, come on.
Out, out, out, out, out, out.
Up, up, up, up, up.
Go, go, go. Five minutes.
Okay. Well, then I guess
I could always go for some...
butthole.
No! No!
I want that butt. Ow.
Okay, I'm up. I'm up.
The mouse.
No, where? Yeah.
You see the two ears,
and then its little nose
right there?
You know I'm okay, right?
Okay.
Like, I'm not crazy, unstable.
You know, it's just...
it's just a thing
that happens when you travel.
It's... If you're out of
your own time for too long,
your brain chemistry
kind of shifts,
and then you can start
feeling, um,
untethered.
That's why I can't stay long.
Last fall, I, um...
I became really anxious about...
everything. Heh.
Like, life in general, I guess.
I mean, my-my mom died,
and things with, uh, Whit,
my ex, weren't great,
and I wasn't getting any work,
and I, like, stopped sleeping,
and I stopped going out,
and I stopped, like,
wanting to do anything.
And at some point,
I kind of lost touch
with what was real
and what wasn't.
You know?
Yeah, I do.
So that's when Doug stepped in
and made me get help.
And at first,
I was so pissed at him.
But looking back, I really...
I really needed it.
Just being a person
is hard, huh?
- Hold on. Slow down.
- Mi dispiace...
Mi dispiace, ma non parlo
bene l'italiano.
Mi dispiace, ma non...
Non parlo bene l'italiano.
Ma non parlo bene l'italiano.
Yeah. Oh.
Mm. That's good.
What does that mean?
It means, "I'm very sorry,
but I don't speak Italian
very well."
That's useful.Mm-hmm.
How do you know so much Italian?
Oh, my God. People got really
into Italian after Venice.
What happened in Venice?
What do you think
happened in Venice?
Mm, what else you got? Um...
Io sono un pessimo conversatore
ma un amante eccellente.
Translation?
"I am a bad conversationalist
but a superb lover."
Oh.
Yeah.
Use that one a lot, do you? Uh-huh.
You know, just some basics. Right.
Uh, does this need more salt?
Perfetto. Perfetto?
Si, si, si, si.Okay.
We just need more wine,
and we're good.
It's in the other room.
I'll get it.
Uh, what is the phrase again?
Io sono un pessimo conversatore
ma un amante eccellente.
Io sono un pessimo
conversatore...
Io sono
un pessimo conversatore...
Wha... bella, help me.
I'm stuck in a loop
with the "conversatore."
We need to start with
some basic phrases, I think.
Like, "Where's the bathroom?"
And, uh, "I'm lost."
And, "Thank you."
'Cause I'm-I'm kind of
shitting the bed on this.
Hey, hey.
Buddy, what's going on?
I'm sorry. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's okay. It's okay.
I'm sorry. I-I can't...
I got you.
I can't stop.
It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay.
Take deep breaths.
I've just stayed too long,
and...
I don't want to g-g-go.
Hey, hey.
We'll-we'll figure it out.
Okay. Take deep breaths.
It's okay. I got you.
I just don't know what to do,
because I love y-you.
I love you too.
It's gonna be okay.
We're gonna figure it out,
all right?
It's okay.
It's okay.
You're okay. Okay.
Hey.
It's all right.
Hey. You all right?
Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm fine.
I just, uh...
I'm sorry for being a dick, man.
I'm really sorry.
Barty, it's okay, man.
I just... I don't know...
I don't know what to do, Doug.
Just tell me what to do.
Uh, I don't know, man.
And if you really like
this girl...
I do. I do so much.
Well, then...
help her.
You know better than anyone.
Sometimes we've got to step in
and help the people we love.
Yeah, you're right.
Good advice.
Thanks, Doug.
I'm here, man.
Just call if you need
anything, okay?
Okay. Will do. You're the best.
Yeah.
Perfect.
Thanks-thanks for fitting us in.
Yeah, that's-that's correct.
Morning.
Morning.
Um...
I have something for us to do.
Okay.
Such a pretty day, isn't it?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is.
It's really pretty.
You don't believe me, do you?
I don't know.
I-I-I... I want to,
and I'm trying to,
but...
I don't know if I can.
Either way, I-I...
I don't want to lose you.
And the people inside,
they can help.
They-they... They helped me
last fall when I...
came untethered.
Just talk to the doctor,
and then we can go get
some food or something.
Yeah, of course.
It's no big deal.
He just, like, kind of
refers you to someone else.
You just sort of tell him
what's going on,
and then he makes an assessment,
and then that's it.
Low pressure.
Nice. I like low pressure.
I'll be here the whole time.
We're ready for you.
Okay.
Hey. It's gonna be fine.
Yeah.
Hey, you.
I love you.
And that's real, okay?
So...
you just remember that.
That this will always be real.
Okay, buddy?
Okay, buddy.
I love you too.
Sir, are you okay?
Sir!
Nurse, he's awake.
Can we have someone
in here, please?
Thank you.
Hey, pal.
All right.
Welcome back. How you feeling?
You've been in and out,
uh, for a while now.
I got a bad headache.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Well, if you push
that button right there,
you can get
a little hit of morphine.
I asked for one too,
but they were like, "Nah."
What's going on, Doug?
What is going on?
A lot is actually going on.
Well, I mean, the doctors
will explain this
way better than me,
way bigger words,
but you had a tumor
sitting on your brain, pal.
They, uh, said that
you're incredibly lucky
that you were at the hospital
when it ruptured.
Otherwise, you wouldn't
have made it.
But they...
They got it?
Yeah, they operated on you.
They got it out? Got it all out.
Scooped it out.
They said you'll be good as new
in a couple of days.
Well, that's good.
Yeah, it's really good, man.
It's really good.
Yeah.Jesus.
Yeah, it's a lot.
Um, where's Vienna?
Um...
Uh, okay, so...
so, oftentimes,
when someone has a tumor
pressed against their brain
like you did, um,
apparently, it can affect
the way that
they process information.
Right, but where is she?
Bart, can we wait
for the doctor to get here?
No, just tell me where she is.
I'd rather the doctor explain.
Doug, where is she?
Just tell me.
She's not real, Bart.
I tried to track her down.
I couldn't find anything.
None of her stuff is at
your apartment or at the hotel.
Yeah, yes, it is.
What are you talking about?
I know it sounds impossible,
but the doctor said
that this can happen.
This isn't funny, man.
Give me my phone.
I already checked that.
It's not...
Give me my phone, Doug!
What?
What the fuck?
You erased my pictures?
I didn't erase them.
They were never there.
You're lying.Bart.
Why are you doing this, man?
I'm not lying to you. What the fuck?
Bart.
Come here.
Come on, man.
It's okay.
I'm just happy you're here, man.
Cannonball!
Oh, you got me in the marbles,
Cannonball Guy,
and now you must pay.
It tickles!
Daddy, he's tickling me. I got ya!
All right, let's go.
All right, Booger Monster.
Let's give your Uncle Bart
some space
so he can get settled in.
Bye, Booger Monster.
All right.
I think it looks cool.
Could be worse.
Actually, up close,
it looks kind of gross.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's pretty fucking
disgusting. Yeah, seriously.
Thanks for getting my stuff.
Ah, no problem, man.
Although you might
want to, like,
go back and double-check
just to make sure
I got everything,
'cause I had Eve with me, so...
who knows what I left behind?
Will do.
Yeah. Ah.
You gonna be okay in here, man?
Oh, yeah.
I'll be super cozy.
Yeah, but are you gonna be,
like... like, okay?
Did I ever tell you about
the time I went down to Cancn?
Like, years ago with Whit? Yeah.
On the plane, I was sitting
next to this older Black guy
wearing a head-to-toe
cowboy outfit.
I don't believe this. It's true.
We get to talking,
and he tells me
he's from Maryland.
So I'm like, "What the hell's
up with the clothes?
I got to ask."
And he says that he used to be
a big rig driver
and he would crisscross
the country every week.
This one time,
he was outside of El Paso.
He was getting out of his
truck, and he spilled coffee
all over himself,
just everywhere.
So he goes to a truck stop
to get cleaned up,
but he decides he's just
gonna buy a new shirt,
but all they have
are cowboy shirts.
So, once he gets
the cowboy shirt,
he figures,
"Fuck it. Why not go all in?"
So he gets the boot and the hat
and the bolo tie,
the whole deal.
Goes into a diner
to get something to eat,
and as he walks in the door,
this little 3-year-old girl
just lights up
when she sees him.
Mm.Runs up to him,
gives him a big hug.
Has her dad come over
and take a picture together.
He said it was just great,
made his day.
But that's not it,
because for the next two days,
everywhere he goes
in this outfit,
people just light up
when they see him.
And that's when he realizes
that everyone loves
seeing a cowboy.
And he loved that feeling
so much of bringing
that, like, simple joy
into every room he walked into
that he decided
from that moment on,
he was always gonna dress
like a cowboy.
He seems like
a pretty chill guy.
Yeah.Yeah.
And I remember thinking, like:
"God, I want to have stories
like that when I'm older."
You know?
And now it's like...
well, I'm older, and...
I have stories, but...
I don't know, I just thought
my stories would be different.
I-I just...
I thought they'd be happier.
Come on, Barty.
They will be, man.
They will be.
You just got to give it time.
Just when I...
when I thought she was crazy,
she was still real.
You know, I could still...
hold her and smell her.
But now it's...
Look, man, you know
I don't subscribe to
the whole "everything happens
for a reason" bullshit,
but for some reason,
that girl...
or hallucination or...
I don't know, whatever
manifestation was caused
by that lemon-sized mass
on your frontal lobe
made it so that
you were at a hospital
exactly when you needed to be.
And for the life of me,
I can't figure out
a rational reason as to
why the fuck that would happen.
But it did, and you're here.
I don't know, man.
It's just...
I just know that that girl
came into your life
for a reason.
And that's enough for me.
I'll get you some cowboy stuff
if you want it.
That was actually the point
of my whole story.
Knock, knock.
Hey, Larry.
Hey. Just, uh, dropping by
to see how you're settling in
after your first week.
Oh, good. Good, I think.
Yeah, thanks.
That's great.
And just so you know,
everyone is so thrilled
to have you here.
And if you need
any more time to recover
for your head stuff,
that's totally cool.
I really appreciate that.
Thank you. Nah, come on.
Hey, it's a medical company.
If anyone knows
that medical stuff happens,
it's us, right?
Yeah, I guess...
I guess you would know that.
Keep up the good work, partner.Thanks.
Ah, ah.
Larry, you dumb idiot.
You forgot the reason
you came by... Your first check.
Ah.Yeah.
All right.
Now I'm really leaving.
Thank you.
Pound it.
Yeah, there you go.
That'll be our thing.
Thank God you're still alive.Yeah.
It's gonna take more than some
dumb tumor to get rid of me.
Oh, let me look at you.
Oh... if I was younger
and I would have seen you
across a bar with that...
Oh, yeah? I would've given you
the keys to the kingdom.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Man, you know,
in another life, Patricia,
you and me, we could've
been real destructive together.
I would have ruined your life.
Well, look, I got you something.
Oh, no. Really? Mm. Yes.
That's sweet. Here. For all the times
you saved my sanity,
one parting shot.That's...
Let's do it.Okay.
Thank you. Thank you.
Salud.Salud.
Ah.
Oh, I didn't tell you
who's moving in.
Mm. Tell me. Two EDM DJs.
Oof.EDM.
No.They're a couple.
That is so many
beats per minute.
It's gross.Wow. Love does find a way.
I guess it does.
Oh, you don't have to rush.
Those idiots aren't moving in
until tomorrow.
Oh, here we go.
Mr. Morelli.
No, you cannot keep
borrowing my plunger.
Because you're an adult
and this is disgusting.
Your IBS is not my problem.
This is you right here.
Thank you. Thanks very much.
I love you, buddy.
That's real.
Always yours, Vienna.
P.S. Look for the Pirates
to win big
in the late '20s.