Loot (1970) Movie Script
1
More
More
More, more, more
More than you ever see
There's one thing I am sure
Money's what I need
Gotta get some money
Gotta get it right away
Cos I know what money means to me
Gotta get some money
Gotta get it, come what may
More
I want more
And I can tell you why
There is nothing, I am sure
Money cannot buy
There is nothing I am sure
Money cannot buy
Money cannot buy
Money cannot buy
- You're very kind.
- I know, I'm one in a million.
Sit down, McLeavy.
Save your strength for the funeral.
There's no hope, then, Father?
There's no hope for her down here
and even less so up there.
You didn't manage
the conversion, then?
A Protestant she's lived
and a Protestant she'll die.
A good Catholic boy like you.
How the hell did you ever manage
to meet up with her?
Well, it was an informal get-together
run by a Benedictine monk.
She's always been a good mother.
She's never interfered
with our son's religious upbringing.
- Excuse me, Father.
- Has she gone?
She's sinking fast.
She's asking for her son.
- Didn't she ask to see me?
- Just her son.
- She was always very close to him.
- Well, where is he?
'Oh, he went for a walk.
'The doctor advised fresh air.
He was so overcome with grief.'
Go on, then.
Get back on your beat.
I say, do you two always
do everything together?
Yeah, we're a double act.
I like to see him enjoy himself.
Oh, I got a son at home your age.
Bring him along next time.
We'll have a foursome.
Yeah, nice.
Close the door behind you.
That's the first time
I've ever had a copper.
Well, it makes a change.
They've had you enough times.
True.
Here you are, baby.
I'm fed up with this job.
I can't wait to get out of it
and away from this poxy climate.
- Won't be long now, baby.
- I wonder how your mother is.
- She can't last much longer.
- You've been saying that for weeks.
If she don't die soon,
I'll be a nervous wreck.
What do you want me to do?
Help her on her way?
More, more
I want more
I don't want no one to thank
I know I've got to break that law
Cos I'm gonna rob a bank
Anyway, give your mum my regards.
Hang about. I'll get a report.
Morning. Lovely morning.
You just missed her.
She's gone.
To wherever Protestants go.
Yes, it is a lovely morning.
Well, what's this?
- It's a cold collation, sir.
- Oh, but it's Monday.
There's always steak and kidney
pudding on Monday.
Mrs McLeavy died this morning, sir.
Well, staff problems are not my concern.
Unfortunately she was unable
to make a pudding before she went.
I hope this doesn't prove
to be a permanent state of affairs.
Well, it is for her, sir.
They're Mrs McLeavy's slippers.
Yes. She wouldn't mind
my having them.
When are they coming to collect her?
Oh, this afternoon.
I'm having her embalmed.
Embalmed?
She'd enjoy that.
She always used a lot of make-up.
And then the funeral's on Thursday.
You realise, of course, that the death
of a patient terminates my contract?
- Yes.
- When do you wish me to leave?
Oh, stay, for a few hours.
I've grown used to your company.
Impossible. I'm needed
at other sick beds.
You've been a widower
for several hours now.
Have you...
Have you considered
a second marriage yet?
Well, not yet.
You must find someone
to take Mrs McLeavy's place.
She wasn't perfect.
Well, a second wife would be
a physical impossibility.
Nonsense.
My last husband was 60.
He came through with flying colours.
Three days after our wedding
he was performing extraordinary feats.
You must marry a girl
with youth and vitality.
I can visualise her.
Medium height, slim, fair hair.
A regular visitor
to some place of worship
and an ex-member
of the League of Mary.
- Somebody like yourself?
- Exactly.
You must marry again
after a decent interval of mourning.
What's a decent interval?
A fortnight's long enough
to indicate grief.
We must keep abreast of the times.
- Mr McLeavy?
- Yes.
A very sad occasion.
- Yes, it is.
- Words are totally inadequate.
Yes.
May we come in?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yes, of course.
- Hello, Mr McLeavy.
- Oh, hello, Dennis.
A very sad occasion.
Oh, yes, yes, it is.
- Is this your first bereavement?
- Yes.
- Yes, it is.
- May I recommend this booklet?
We find it helpful
to newcomers to these occasions.
You will find comfort
from various sources.
The New Testament, Old Testament,
Talmud and Koran.
Strike out whichever is inapplicable.
- My wife was a Protestant.
- Takes all sorts to make a world.
Yesterday we buried a vegetarian.
Oh, well, it's... it's warm.
Perhaps I could give you
some refreshments.
A thoughtful and generous offer.
All right, boys, drop it down there.
Hello, Father O'Shaughnessy.
Are you doing this one, Father?
No, no, no.
Unfortunately she wasn't one of ours.
Poor, miserable woman.
- Oh, that's enough, now.
- I've only got five minutes.
That's four longer
than you usually need.
Control yourself.
It's not Wednesday night.
But I want you.
- Have you no respect for my uniform?
- Oh, that starched apron.
Those black stockings.
Marry me.
I've no intention of dressing like this
for the rest of my life.
- Oh, but you must marry me.
- I'm old-fashioned.
- I only marry for money.
- But I'll have money very soon now.
- More than you ever dreamed of.
- Well, then, broach the subject again.
I'm engaged.
- You were quick.
- Don't you start.
- Everything all right, baby?
- Yeah.
Come on, let's get on with it.
Right.
We do the job Tuesday night
the day before the funeral.
Oh, and this time no cock-ups.
I'll lose faith if we get nicked again.
Don't go on, baby.
I remember the humiliating
circumstances of past failures.
We wouldn't have been nicked
if you'd kept your mouth shut.
Making us look ridiculous
by telling the truth.
Why can't you lie
like a normal man?
I can't, baby.
It's against my nature.
Anything else I'm capable of
but not that.
This time no mistakes.
The bank.
The undertaker's shop.
The chapel of rest
where your old lady will be stretched out.
We break through the wall
to the back of the safe.
- Take the money out.
- Bring it to the chapel.
- Take the old lady out.
- Put the money in.
- Put her back on top of it.
- And wait for her to be delivered here
for the wake.
Nice, very nice.
- And Hal, this plan...
- Yeah?
Burn it.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
thank you for making me rich.
For what we are about to receive, amen.
Loot's the root
Loot's the root
Loot
If you ain't got no money
Well, you've only got yourself to thank
Why don't you get out
And go rob yourself a bank
Loot, loot
Everyone needs it
Loot, loot
You better believe it
Loot's the root
Loot's the root
Loot
When you got the money
Well, you know
it's gonna be all right
Then it's gonna be fine
Every day and every single night
Loot, loot
Everyone needs it
Loot, loot
You better believe it
Loot's the root
Loot's the root
Mm, baby. Mm, mm.
- Mm, baby.
- Hey, keep your mind on your work.
Nothing personal, baby.
Anyway, it was you
who insisted we work bare-arsed.
Of course.
Brick dust in the clobber,
forensic labs.
It's got to be 15 years.
Have a shower when you get home.
In your ear holes, between your toes,
up your jacksy and blow your nose.
They look everywhere.
She's never looked that well
all the time I've known her.
We do a good job.
Last for years, she will.
- I see she was a member of the WVA.
- Yeah.
That was her dying wish,
to be buried in her uniform.
Here, what are you gonna do
with your share?
I'm gonna realise
a childhood ambition.
I'm gonna open a brothel.
It will be a three-star brothel
and I'll advertise, "By appointment."
Like jam it will be limited to aristocracy,
members of the government
and high-ranking dignitaries
of the Church.
I'll have a spade bird.
I don't believe in the colour bar.
And a Finnish bird.
And I'll make 'em kip together
to bring out the contrast.
A dark bird
who's dyed her hair blonde
and a blonde bird
who's dyed her hair dark.
I'll have a midget
and a tall bird with big bristols.
I'll have a Chinese bird,
a Dutch bird, a French bird,
a Zulu bird,
and, for seekers after the unusual,
an Eskimo bird.
Old-age pensioners half price
and a complete change of linen
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I'll run it like the Co-op
and give them divi numbers.
You can have life membership
and come anytime you want
free of charge.
You'll kill yourself.
Oh, no, I won't indulge.
I'll just be the Madam.
- Why?
- I'm on the wagon.
Trying to get up a sufficient
head of steam to marry.
Marry?
- Have you anyone in mind?
- Your mum's nurse.
My mum's nurse?
She's older than you.
An experienced woman is the finest thing
that can happen to a lad.
My dad swears by 'em.
She's three-parts papal nuncio.
She'll only do it at set times.
No, she does it at any old time.
Typical member
of the medical profession she is.
Have you had her?
Knocked it off?
- Really!
- Under that picture of the sacred heart.
In her room?
Every Wednesday night
while you was training at the gymnasium.
Oh, that's nice!
Thank you.
I'd like to get married.
Well, it's the only thing I haven't tried.
I don't like to see you
living for kicks, baby.
But whatever turns you on
is OK by me.
- I knew you'd understand.
- Yeah!
What was that?
- He's here.
- We're done for.
- Oh, what a balls-up.
- Batten down the hatches.
- Mind her face.
- Well, it's no good.
She won't go in.
We'll have to get rid of some of it.
We can't do that.
That's an indecent suggestion.
- Well, what are we gonna do, then?
- Move.
What, get rid of her?
- Where?
- In the karsi.
Your lovely old mum.
She gave you birth,
washed your nappies.
- Thank you.
- There's no name for this.
We're creating a precedent.
Get the clothes.
Come on!
Ups-a-daisy.
I'm due at work in ten minutes.
I mustn't be late.
What about the old lady?
We can't leave her here.
Get your dad's van and collect her.
Then throw all her stuff away.
And have a bloody wash!
Good morning.
We got the money away
From the people
who said that it was bad
And now they haven't got
what they said they didn't want
And I can see they're getting mad
What are they talking about
It's all their fault
We're just walking about
With the money they didn't want
- It's Inspector, um...
- Truscott. Truscott of the Yard.
- Meadows?
- Yes, sir.
- Search the premises, will you?
- Yes, sir.
Barnes, Thompson,
get on with your fingerprints.
Williams, pop down the road and get me
a cup of tea and a fried-egg sandwich.
- Yes, sir.
- Got straight out of bed.
Um...
Oh, very well, but do hurry up.
We've got work to do.
Yes, sir.
104,000 missing.
And I only joined the branch last week.
Did you, sir?
That's very suspicious.
- What are you implying?
- Nothing, merely an observation
that may or may not
have a bearing on the case.
The point is,
can you get the money back?
Extremely unlikely. Hardly ever do.
Probably out of the country by now.
Ah, Williams. Ah.
Thank you very much.
- So what do you intend to do, then?
- Oh, make an arrest.
You know the guilty parties?
I wouldn't go as far as to say that
but we shall get somebody for it.
Police don't like to fail, you know.
You leave it to us.
Good gracious me.
What's all this?
These men work with me, Inspector.
Would it be in order
if they removed the deceased?
The deceased?
Good gracious me.
Do you mean there's...
somebody in there?
It's the late Mrs McLeavy, sir.
Oh.
Right, well...
Carry on, lads. Carry on.
Fothergill, Williams,
give them a hand.
- Let us pray. "In the midst of life..."
- Morning. Lovely morning.
"In the midst of life we are in death.
"Of whom may we seek for succour
but of Thee
"who, for our sins,
are justly displeased.
"Lord have mercy upon us.
Christ have mercy upon us.
- "Our Father..."
- "Our Father, which art in Heaven..."
We must get the money out of there
and your mother in.
Get all the household up to bed.
"Forgive us our trespasses..."
Give me a ring when you're ready
and I'll come over right away.
"For Thine is the kingdom,
the power and the glory..."
- All right?
- Amen.
'With all that sunshine
forecast for tomorrow
'I'm sure we can all look forward
to a most enjoyable day.
'Good night.'
That's the lot.
- Good night.
- Oh, er, good night, sir.
Would you be wanting anything else
before you turn in?
I want an 8:30 call,
one lightly boiled egg,
tea, toast and marmalade.
Yes, certainly, sir.
It's a pleasure to serve you, sir.
You'd better get to bed as well.
Funeral tomorrow.
I don't like her left on her own.
I was going to say a prayer for her.
- Our Father...
- I'll sit up with her. You get some sleep.
- Not as young as you were.
- Good boy, good boy.
I've always had faith in you.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done.
- Thy kingdom come, Dad.
- As it is in Heaven.
Her spirit must be gazing down
with tears in its eyes.
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses.
- You can say that again.
- Good night, son.
Excuse me, Inspector.
The telephone.
Hello, sweetheart.
My mother says I can't come out tonight.
Hello?
Hello? Truscott here.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Your accomplice hung up.
- Didn't want to speak to me, lad.
- I haven't got no accomplice.
Don't give me that crap or I shall have
to have you thumped again.
- Where's the money?
- Wait till my mum and dad get home!
Oh, yes. Gone to the films, you said.
Mm, nice parents I must say,
watching all that sex and violence.
Probably a case
for running them in as well.
Let's start again, shall we?
Denny, baby.
Er, good evening.
- Mr McLeavy.
- Yes?
These ladies and I represent
the Women's Volunteer Auxiliary
from various parts
of southern England.
We've come
to ask your permission
to form a guard of honour
at the graveside tomorrow.
Well, it's a proud man I am
to know she was
such a loved and respected figure.
Your late wife
was well known to us all.
We were shocked
to hear of her sad passing.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Good night.
- Drive carefully.
Oh!
Oh, yes, thank you.
- Good night.
- Thank you.
To put you in the picture
Here is where we stand
Money's in the coffin
Mother's in the van
Here's the only hotel guest
Complaining all the time
And there's the grieving husband
Unaware of crime
Then there is the nurse
who's trying Mother's dresses on
She plans to marry Father
Now that Mother's gone
Here you see a worried man
His name is Hal
Pacing up and down his room
And waiting for his pal
And we don't need reminding
what happened to him
What happened to him
What happened to him
What happened to him,
what happened to him
Ow!
You're late.
I've been waiting for you.
- Have you?
- It's Wednesday.
Weds...
Oh, Christ.
I thought you weren't coming.
Come to bed this instant.
Tell me... Tell me...
Tell me that you love me.
What?
Tell me that you love me.
I love you.
Your responses lack
their usual ardour.
Mm... Ow!
Oh, look, I can't, not now.
- Can't?
- No, I can't.
Can't?
You've been gratifying
your sexual lust elsewhere.
Look at you. You're in a state
of complete exhaustion.
- I've been running, that's all.
- Don't lie to me.
I'm not lying, I swear it.
I'm not interested in other women.
I want you. I wanna marry you.
I've already told you,
you belong to the wrong faith
and income bracket. Get out.
But I'm rich. I got money now.
I shall be going abroad.
Money? From where?
My life insurance has matured.
At 23 and a half?
The sum involved must be trivial.
Unless the premiums
are exceptionally large.
Look, I'm worth thousands more money
than you ever dreamed of.
Very well. I shall give your new offer
sympathetic consideration.
You won't regret it.
What's happened, baby?
I've been scared out of my mind.
- We're in trouble.
- I know. Truscott on the phone.
Turned the whole bleeding house over.
Bastard saw me at the shop.
- Then he twisted my cobblers.
- Not your cobblers!
God, he did make me feel bad.
If I have to wear a dress,
I shall sue.
- Well, why did you let him in?
- I didn't.
- He said he was from the water board.
- "You're the law," I said.
- What did he say?
- Nothing.
He just pushed in and kept on
about looking for the stopcocks.
I asked him if he had a warrant.
He said the board didn't issue warrants.
- Did he mention me?
- He asked who my accomplice was.
- Oh, no.
- That's all right.
I swore blind I never knew
what he was on about.
Then he left.
It's only a matter of time
before they're round here.
- Oh, God.
- Well, might be on their way now.
- Where's the loot?
- Still in the coffin.
- Mum's in the garage.
- Right.
We'd better bung her back in the coffin
and get the money out the house.
Come on.
Er, Mc... McLeavy's hotel.
Room service.
What?
Listen, you'll have to speak up.
I can't hear you.
There are burglars in the hotel.
We'll all be murdered in our beds.
Now, don't panic, sir.
I'll investigate immediately.
Burglars?
- What is it?
- Shh, shh.
Such devotion.
He's never left her side.
Oh, come.
You mustn't give way.
You must compose yourself
for the funeral.
Oh... that, er, nightdress is attractive.
- It suits you, black.
- It's another piece of your wife's finery.
Some people would censure me
for wearing it.
Well, she has no further use for it.
You feeling calmer now?
Er...
Yes, thank you.
I keep thinking of Harold.
I never realised
how much he loved his mother.
My only fear is that the poor boy lacks
the benefit of a mother's guiding hand.
Not for long perhaps.
I shall speak to him for you.
Oh, you're very good to me.
As long as you appreciate
my desire to help you.
My own life has been an unhappy one.
I want yours to be better.
- You've had an unhappy life?
- Oh, yes, very.
All my husbands died,
leaving me nothing but memories.
- All of them?
- I've had seven altogether.
Nearly one a year since I was 16.
Well, the Lord acts in mysterious ways.
Yes, but things are looking up.
Oh? How's that?
Your wife changed her will
shortly before she died,
leaving all her money to me.
What? Oh, it's God's punishment on me
for marrying a Protestant.
- Well, how much did she leave you?
- 19,000.
19,000?
There you are.
Good as new.
Here, her eyes are brown.
Mum's eyes were blue.
That's a bit strange, isn't it?
Oh, well, I expect they ran out of blues.
Aren't they her own eyes, then?
Such an innocent, aren't you, baby?
Not familiar with the ways of the world.
We sold her own for a transplant.
Well, waste not, want not, Hal.
I'll go and get the van.
That surprises me, that does.
Not her own eyes!
Surround the premises.
I'll surround the house.
Surround the premises.
He'll surround the house.
- Harold?
- Yes?
Why did you open the coffin?
Well...
You wanted to make sure
the bank robbers hadn't damaged it?
Bank robbers?
Oh, it was on television
and in the newspapers, all that money.
Your mother's body was witness
to a very famous crime.
Oh, she looks a treat
in her uniform.
It was one of those big gangs
from London, I expect.
What do you know about it?
It was a small gang, see.
One or two men.
And between them...
...more money
than you ever dreamed of.
More money than...
Do you know the men concerned?
Our Father who art in Heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done,
on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us...
Truscott here. Are you all
in position at the back? Over.
'Right, sir. Over and out.'
Right, I'm going in. Over and out.
He's going in. Over and out.
'Emergency.
Which service?'
- Police.
- 'Police.'
This is Hotel McLeavy.
There are burglars in the hotel.
Send constables immediately.
'Right away, sir.'
Now you got the money
Where you gonna hide it,
where you gonna put it
So they won't find it
You ain't got
what you think you've got
Till you've banked the bloody lot
Glory be to God.
What's going on down there?
Thank God, the police!
Arrest that man.
I think you've made a mistake, sir.
I'm from the water board.
I'm on a fact-finding tour of the area
and I want to inspect your mains supply.
Oh, don't move. Don't move.
Oh. Don't move.
Hello, hello, hello.
What's all this, then?
What have I stumbled upon here?
Some midnight sex and drug orgy?
I've been struck down from behind
by an unknown assailant.
I thought you were a burglar.
Protecting my property
at the risk of injury. God bless you, sir.
- I am going to bed.
- A boiled egg,
tea, toast and marmalade at 8:30.
- I won't forget.
- This is a mad house.
I shall write to the AA in the morning.
Might I suggest
that we call a doctor?
Oh, that won't be necessary.
Fortuitously I am a trained nurse.
- And who might you be?
- I might be a lot of people.
At the moment
I'm with the water board.
Perchance I might perhaps
inspect your water mains.
- At one o'clock in the morning?
- Water is no respecter of time, miss.
I really must insist
that Mr McLeavy be removed
to the comfort of his own bed.
Yes, of course.
Permit us to assist you.
Come along, come along.
The water board?
Is my hotel in danger of flooding?
Is tragedy about to strike me again?
Not if we find what we're... looking for.
Yes, very nicely done, miss.
Now, sir, if you'll excuse me,
I'll be about my duty.
- I shall search the house first.
- What for?
I told you, miss.
I wish to inspect your mains supply.
Er, it's outside.
Is it?
Well, now, I wonder
how it came to be put out there.
Most, er...
ingenious.
Perhaps there's an extension
inside the house.
No, it's in the garden.
- Where exactly?
- I don't know.
Well, I suggest you find out, sir.
Any council property
must be available on demand.
The law's quite clear on that point.
I wouldn't like
to place myself outside the law.
Er, I believe it's near
the gnomes' rookery.
Perhaps Nurse McMahon
would show you.
Ooh, well...
I'll just go slip into something suitable.
Well, thank you, sir.
Well, lad,
now let's see
what's inside your cupboard.
Oh! Ow!
Are you familiar
with a lad called... Dennis?
I used to be
but now we're just good friends.
Good. He's not your type, you know.
He's got five pregnancies to his credit.
- Well, anyone can make a mistake.
- He's got a habit of making mistakes.
Where does he commit
these... acts of indecency?
In the back of the hearse.
I see.
"No car of his own."
Where's the money
from the bank job buried?
- Your mate said you buried it.
- He's a bloody...
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
You can't catch me like that.
Clever lad, clever lad.
Sharp mind.
Frightening.
We have vacancies for lads
of your calibre in the force.
Why don't you cooperate with me?
I'll put in a good word for you.
That could only go against me
with an honest judge. Look...
I refuse to answer
any more questions from the police
without my solicitor present.
I am not a policeman.
I know you. You're the law.
You beat my mate up at his house.
And you twisted his cobblers.
I hope you're prepared
to substantiate these accusations.
- What evidence have you?
- His b... bruises.
Are you aware
of the official version of those?
- Resisting arrest, yes.
- Precisely.
Watch it, lad, making false accusations
against members of the water board.
- You know...
- Yes.
Ow!
If I hear you accuse us again
of using violence against a suspect
I'll take you to the station
and kick your eyes
through the back of your head.
Ahem.
Oh! Ah!
The young gentleman
overbalanced, miss.
Well, now... Are we ready?
That bastard's closing in on us.
Ah, don't worry, baby.
Without the loot, he's knackered.
He can't prove a thing.
- Are those your men?
- They are.
What are they doing?
Looking for freshly turned earth.
Of what possible interest is
freshly turned earth to the water board?
We're investigating sabotage
to our pipe lines.
Welsh nationalists
have been reported in the area.
It's bleeding crawling with law.
Harold! Harold!
Go back to bed, Dad.
You're interrupting my novena.
- Hail Mary, full of grace...
- Harold, are you there?
What's going on?
Will you open the door?
Blessed art thou amongst women.
Harold!
Sorry, Dad. I was halfway
through some Hail Marys.
Oh, you're a good boy. I'll join you.
Look, Dad, we'll take it in turns, eh?
Two hours on, two hours off.
You come back at four.
I can't sleep
with the pains in my head.
We'll just kneel down
and have a few quick ejaculations.
- Jesus, Mary and Joseph...
- Assist me in my agony.
- Jesus, Mary and Joseph...
- In their glory for ever and ever, amen.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph,
may I breathe forth my soul.
- Peace with you. Amen.
- Amen.
She looks well, doesn't she?
Ah, the gnomes.
Seven husbands in a decade.
There's something wrong
with your approach.
I find it frightening that,
undeterred by the past,
- you're contemplating an engagement.
- How do you know?
You wear another woman's clothes
as though born to them.
You amaze me. This nightdress
did belong to Mrs McLeavy.
An elementary deduction. The stitching
is of the type worn by elderly women.
- You should be a detective.
- Tell me,
when you propose
to marry Mr McLeavy?
At once. Why do you ask?
Anything done in conjunction
with yourself results in death.
How dare you speak to me like that?
Who are you?
Merely a council employee
who's allowed his imagination to wander.
Forgive me if I've upset you.
I wonder if you'd be kind enough
to sign this chit.
- It's blank.
- That's in order.
I'd prefer you to help me blindly
without questions.
I can't sign my name to a blank sheet.
Somebody might forge a cheque.
- Sign my name, then.
- I don't know your name.
Good gracious,
what a very suspicious nature you have.
Sign yourself Queen Victoria.
No one will tamper with her account.
Come along.
Thank you. I think
that's all I require for the moment.
Queen Victoria.
Very gracious.
Thank you. Thank you.
Ah, have you found
what you were after?
No, sir, I haven't,
but it's my belief that your water mains
are connected with piping in the house.
And unless I'm very much mistaken
the object of my search is...
...in that cupboard.
- Open it up.
- It isn't locked.
Yes, well, that puts an entirely different
complexion on the matter.
Well, there's still a lot
of routine work to be done.
Good morning, sir.
My condolences
on your recent bereavement.
Death can be very tragic
for those that are left.
Thank you, sir. Good night, sir.
I hope he finds
what he was looking for.
I like to be of assistance to authority.
He didn't show any credentials.
I think we can rely on public servants
to behave themselves.
As a good citizen, I ignore the stories
which bring officialdom into disrepute.
Oh...
Oh, she cannot be brought back to life.
Your duty now is to the living
and to those who love you.
Apart from my son
and a mentally deranged sister
in a Dublin convent, I have no one.
All the more reason why my offer
of marriage is a generous one.
Now, you must go to bed.
The vicar will not take kindly
to you nodding off at the graveside.
The coffin must be closed.
The sight of his past wife distracts him
from the anticipation of his future one.
- You're not going to marry him!
- I'm considering it.
But you can't. You know
the way Dennis feels about you.
I cannot marry boys.
With your father we'll start
a second family under my guidance.
A fully productive life is not possible
with a man my father's age.
We shall prove you wrong.
My dad couldn't propagate
a row of tomatoes.
My mind is made up.
I've no intention
of marrying your friend.
I am a woman.
Only half the human race can say that
without fear of contradiction.
Baby?
Baby?
She's turned me down.
She's broken my heart.
Oh, she don't know
what she's missing, baby.
She does.
That's what's so humiliating.
Oh, forget about it.
Look, we don't need her.
But I love her. I love her!
Don't you believe in love?
No, we're too old.
Put those nasty, negative ideas
out of your mind.
Baby!
You can buy all the love you want
when we get out of here.
Good, all clear.
Now, go and get the van.
Now, there's nobody out there,
so will you go and get the van?
Go and get the bleeding van!
Hal?
We're trapped.
- Are they still there?
- They must be.
They've camouflaged themselves,
the cunning bastards.
We've got to get this money out of here.
They'll be in the bleeding house next.
- Ooh!
- What?
Oh, yeah! Old lady down here,
money back in the coffin.
Ain't it in use? Can't have her
chuntering up and down all day.
No, we ain't used it in years.
One, two, three...
Hal,
sorry about this, baby, but...
we're gonna have to get rid of your mum.
Yeah, I suppose so.
- Shove her off the pier?
- No. What about the marshes?
That's it,
weigh her down with a rock,
then go to the churchyard,
dig up the loot.
We'll have to get rid of that uniform.
Take her clothes off?
To avoid identification
should the remains be discovered.
Bury her naked.
My own mum!
It's a Freudian nightmare.
Here, I'm sure that would be committing
some kind of unforgiveable sin.
- Only if you're a Catholic.
- Well, I am a Catholic.
Nah, I can't undress her.
She's a relative. I could go to hell.
I'll undress her.
I don't believe in hell.
Oh, yeah! That's typical
of your upbringing, that is.
- You what?
- You had every benefit lavished on you.
Atheism, breastfeeding, circumcision.
I had to make my own way in life.
Thank Christ
he's not having her cremated.
The Ten Commandments.
She was a great believer
in some of them.
Come along now, Dennis. Get moving.
This isn't the only job we have today.
I can't. Mr McLeavy's car
is blocking my way.
Then unblock it, Dennis.
Unblock it.
Now, ask me to marry you.
I've no intention of refusing.
- Now?
- And do it on your knees.
I'm a great believer
in traditional positions.
- Ready for the off?
- One moment.
Your father's about to propose.
You can stay if you like.
Would anyone mind
if we got started?
We'll have the vicar
effing and blinding if we're late.
This is so undignified.
I'm giving no exhibition
in front of my son.
I'll propose on the way
to the cemetery. How's that?
Please don't marry him. Please!
- He's richer than Dad is.
- Has he his bank statement with him?
It's not in the bank.
He's taken it out. Oh!
Will you stop this talk?
Mrs McLeavy is keeping
her maker waiting.
You know how she hated
to miss an appointment.
Well, the funeral's off
as far as I'm concerned.
Back to your driving, baby.
Dennis, where did you get your money?
My auntie left it me.
Is that true, Harold?
No.
You make our life together impossible.
- Lie, can't you?
- I can't, baby. You know that. I can't.
May we leave now? We'll all be ready
for our graves if we wait much longer.
Try and control yourself.
If I find you've been telling the truth
all afternoon, we're through.
Oh, no.
Do you mind backing up a little?
You're rather impeding our getaway.
If you'd like to latch onto us
at the gate.
Crafty bastard.
He's going to the funeral.
Good. I'll bury the money,
you bury your mum.
- I'm sorry, Dad. I can't go.
- Why not?
- It would upset me.
- That's what a funeral is meant to do.
- I, too, have decided not to attend.
- Why? What's wrong?
Your late wife did not
embrace our religion
and my presence at her funeral might
be interpreted as a form of approval.
I'll show my respects from afar.
The number of people staying away
from the funeral is heart-breaking.
And I hired the deluxe model
because they're roomier.
I could have saved myself the expense.
Every mother
Wants to
Help her son
any way that she can
And she's helping Hal
By supplying the getaway van
Yeah?
Is the money your friend has come into
the proceeds from the bank robbery?
Come on, answer.
Don't ask me.
I promised Dennis.
I knew it! And you've hidden it
in there, haven't you?
- No.
- You're lying.
- I'm not.
- What is in there, then?
What is in there?
A corpse.
So, you've added murder
to your list of achievements.
This is unforgiveable.
I shall speak to your father.
She is standing on her head.
Look, I've got to bury her.
Are you gonna help me?
- Help you?
- And I'll help you marry my dad.
I need no help from you
to get a man into bed.
I want the body stripped.
It isn't a thing someone
of the opposite sex should do.
Oh, you intend a country burial?
Yeah.
Suppose a dog were to discover her
while hunting for foxes?
Do not underestimate
the average foxhound.
A perfectly preserved body of a woman?
No sign of foul play?
We'll burn the uniform.
You can have her underwear.
Her teeth can go in the river.
What about payment?
- 20% of the loot.
- 33 and a third.
25% and you can keep
her engagement ring.
- Is it valuable?
- Very.
I shall add it to my collection.
I already have seven
by right of conquest.
33 and a third
and the engagement ring.
- You drive a hard bargain.
- I never bargain.
- Done.
- Done.
- Do you need any help?
- No, I can manage.
In my job I'm frequently called upon
to lift enormous men off bed pans.
Whatever more could Mother
Request in her last will
and testament
Than to be sure
Hal had
Money wherever he went
Yes, to be sure
Hal had
Money wherever he went
Is there no gallant soul
who'll save her from the flames?
She had a mortal fear
of being cremated.
Call the fire brigade.
That's a very expensive coffin.
Oh.
Brave lad, brave lad.
I'll give you 5 if you save the coffin.
You're a good boy.
God bless you, son.
What was that?
I can't see anything.
- Was it one of her rings?
- No, they're on her finger.
Lovely feet your mother had,
for a woman of her age.
Oh, no.
I'm, er, back again, miss.
- What is going on in this house?
- Nothing.
Oh, you admit it?
You must be very sure of yourself.
Why aren't you both at the funeral?
Why aren't you?
I left the procession
on a sudden whim
that I might achieve more here
than there.
I merely wanted
to look around the place.
Have you got a search warrant?
- What for?
- To search the hotel.
It's not necessary.
I've already searched the hotel.
I'm merely looking round as...
a prospective buyer.
I thought you were with the water board.
The water board, madam,
is no place for a man with ambition.
I may well decide
to become an hotelier.
Well, this hotel is not for sale.
- You haven't heard my offer yet.
- What is your offer.
I can't possibly answer that question
till I search the place, can I?
One of your guests
is sitting in the writing room
in the nude.
Oh, er, it must be...
- Lady Normanhurst again.
- Lady?
An aristocrat, much respected
by the lower classes
for their eccentric behaviour.
Go and remonstrate
with Her Ladyship.
Tell her if she wishes to worship the sun
to do so in the garden.
An excellent suggestion.
- I take it the bedrooms are this way.
- You'll find them very nicely appointed.
Oh.
Christ, her eyes!
Yes, there's more in this
than meets the eye.
Your suspicious behaviour
tempts me to believe
that you had a hand in the bank job.
The what?
I may be required to make an arrest.
The water board can't arrest people.
- They can in certain circumstances.
- What circumstances?
I'm not prepared to reveal
the inner workings of the water board
to a member of the general public.
Where's the money?
- It's being buried.
- Who's burying it?
Reverend Pilkington.
Come here, lad.
Come here!
Now, understand this, lad.
I'm gonna ask questions
and I want sensible answers.
None of your mickey-taking.
Understood?
Do I make myself clear?
I'm talking English. Understand?
Yeah.
Right.
As long as we all know.
Where's the money?
By now it should be halfway up the aisle
of the chapel at Durdans Park cemetery.
- Ow!
- How dare you? He's only a boy.
I'm not impressed by his sex, miss.
I'm asking for the truth.
I'm telling the truth.
I always tell the bloody truth.
Understand this, lad.
I'm not having any mickey-taking.
Kids nowadays seem to treat authority
as a challenge,
but I warn you,
if you oppose me in my duty
I'll kick those teeth of yours
clean through the back of your neck.
Is that clear?
Will you excuse me?
Well, of course, my dear.
You're at liberty to answer your doorbell.
That's how we know
we live in a free country.
Where's the money?
In the chapel.
There's been an accident.
- An accident?
- Mm.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Poor man.
Excuse me, lad. We'll finish
the cross-examination later.
Should we perhaps
have a look, my dear?
Very nicely done, miss.
Have you reported the accident, sir?
It's the shock. He can't talk.
- Does it happen often?
- Always in times of great stress.
Well, if he makes a habit of it,
perhaps he ought to learn sign language.
Can you...
Can you understand me, sir?
I shall have to make a full report.
May I have your statement, please, sir?
We...
We set off in high spirits.
The weather was dull,
a grey mist coming in from the sea.
Uh-huh.
The road to the cemetery is downhill.
It was a sad occasion for me.
Along the route perfect strangers
had the courtesy to raise their hats.
We got admiring glances
for the flowers
and sympathetic glances for me.
The dignity of the occasion
was unsurpassed.
- Denny.
- What? Oh, here.
- Was the coffin damaged?
- It's...
It's all right.
Your mother's quite safe.
All right, lads.
Into the bar for a drink.
I think we bloody well deserve it.
I'll have a triple after this lot.
Oh, baby.
Dennis. We're gonna have to get
the old lady back in the coffin.
Why?
The old man may want
a last look at her
to see if she's still in good shape.
- How much have you told her?
- Everything, baby.
I had to. She asked me.
We've never involved a woman
in anything unsavoury before.
Don't worry. My expertise may
come in useful in this matter.
Half of this is mine.
Now will you marry me?
We're splitting it up
one, two, three ways now, baby.
Out of104,000 you'll have...
34,667,
- 13 and fourpence,
- Is that enough?
You have a slight lead
over Mr McLeavy at the moment.
I'm engaged again.
You're too easily aroused.
- Good afternoon, Inspector.
- Good afternoon, sir.
We meet again.
Yes, well, as I was saying, Harold,
I'm afraid the wreaths
have been burnt to buggery.
But I think we might just manage
a repair job on the Friends of Bingo.
- What shall we do for the replay?
- Buy some fresh ones, I suppose.
Always some new expense.
Wasn't Mrs McLeavy insured?
Well, only while she was alive.
We thought it an unnecessary
extravagance to do so after her death.
Not necessarily.
Owing to the amazing advances
made by modern medical science
I've taken the precaution
of insuring myself
for five years after my death.
Why bother with flowers?
We'll get the same effect
with a holy image.
My photo of His Holiness
would enhance it.
Perfect.
Unfortunately
it's three Popes out of date.
Mum won't mind.
She wasn't a woman
who followed the fashions.
Well, go and get it.
Go and get it.
I must ask you to remain here.
No one leaves without my permission.
Why?
I'll ask the questions,
if you don't mind.
Surely she can go and fetch
the Pope's photo.
Only if some responsible person
accompanies her.
You're a responsible person.
You accompany her.
What proof have you
that I'm a responsible person?
If you weren't, you wouldn't be given
the power to behave as you do.
That... is perfectly correct.
In which case
I shall accompany you, miss.
Come with me.
Here, look at the law
turning your bleeding garden over.
At least it keeps them off the streets.
Go on back to work.
Right, let's get your mum.
Where is she?
Out there.
Out there?
Ow!
- Baby!
- Don't baby me. Come on.
A very good likeness, miss,
and of your late husbands too.
Very nice, very nice.
Now you must remain confined
to your quarters until further notice.
The water board has no power
to keep members of the public confined.
Not if they're law-abiding.
- I shall take legal advice.
- That's your privilege, miss.
- I have no power to prevent you.
- I'm going to telephone my solicitor.
I'm afraid I can't allow you
to do that, miss.
That would be contrary to regulations.
We have no case against you.
Now, I must kindly ask you
to remain where you are...
...until further notice.
- Lift it up.
- Left, right, left, right.
Pick 'em up. Left, left.
Left, right.
Out of the way there.
- What?
- Sorry to disturb you again, sir,
but I've reached a stage in my enquiries
when I must have a word with you.
If you'll give me your undivided attention
for just a few moments
I can promise you that we shall have
this whole case sorted out.
Hey!
You two, over there.
Her Ladyship's sunning herself
bare-arsed in front of my constables.
Will you advise her,
with my compliments,
to cover it up.
Right away, sir. I'll tell her.
I'm sorry about that, sir.
You must realise by now
that I am not from the water board.
I knew it. I knew it!
Well, any deception I practised, sir,
was never intended to deceive you.
You are a man of intelligence
if you saw through my disguise at once.
It was merely a ruse
to give me time to review the situation.
In fact, sir, you'll see before you
a man who is quite a...
a personage in his own way.
I am, er...
none other than...
Truscott of the Yard.
I never heard of you.
Never heard of Truscott?
The man who tracked down
the limbless girl killer?
Who'd want to kill a limbless girl?
She was the killer.
Well, how did she do it
if she was limbless?
I'm not prepared to answer that question
to anyone outside the profession.
We don't want a carbon-copy murder
on our hands, do we?
Now, sir, do you realise
why I'm here?
No. Your every action has been
a complete mystery to me.
Good, good, good.
Well, that's how it should be.
I now shall proceed to bring to light
two dastardly crimes,
beginning with the least important.
- Which is what?
- Murder.
- Murder?
- Yes.
Murder.
Your wife passed away
three days ago.
What did she die of?
The death certificate
is perfectly legible.
You're very easily satisfied.
Fortunately, I am not.
Tell me, did you talk with your wife
towards the end?
Yes, I did, that morning.
Well, didn't she say anything?
No last message
of a mysterious nature?
Yes, she did.
She spoke of a book.
Which book?
Well, she didn't say. Er...
- She spoke of a broken binding.
- Ah-ha.
Ah-ha.
Ah-ha.
I have it.
"The Trial of Phyllis McMahon."
A nurse accused
of murdering her patients.
One of my old cases.
Look at that.
- Oh, it's you.
- Yes. Most unflattering, isn't it?
Why do they always choose
the worst ones?
Is there a photograph
of the nurse in there?
Just a moment.
No, no, no. Apparently not.
Someone must have torn
every picture of her out of the book.
But we have something
more damning than that.
The handwriting of the accused.
And here I have the evidence
on which I propose to convict.
A recent specimen
of the handwriting of the nurse.
The nurse, your late wife's nurse.
Identical in every respect.
But this is signed "Queen Victoria".
An alias she often used
when dealing with elderly people.
Yeah, but if this is one of your cases,
how is it she didn't recognise you?
Two very simple reasons.
One, I conduct my cases
under an assumed name,
and two, I am the master of disguise.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
You've had a lucky escape, sir.
You could have been
the victim of a murder.
We've had our tabs on her for years.
Seven husbands, 13 fatal accidents,
two cases of suspected
fish poisoning.
She's practised her own form
of genocide for a decade
and called it nursing.
- The fiend!
- I think I am now in a position
to make an arrest.
Meadows? Meadows!
- Yes, sir?
- Tooty sweety.
Stand by the coffin.
Don't let nobody touch it.
Yes, sir.
We've reached the rose garden, sir.
Beautiful it is.
Good. Dig the bleeding lot up.
Not the rose garden!
Dig the bleeding lot up.
Now, sir.
Could you tell us, will the funeral
be taking place today or not?
Only we have our Meals on Wheels
to attend to.
All right, baby?
Nice.
I never killed anyone.
I'm an angel of mercy.
Don't lie.
You can't escape me, Phyllis.
I am innocent until proved guilty.
That's the law.
Huh! Who's been filling your head
with that rubbish?
I can't be had for anything.
You've no proof.
I shall say
you've given me a confession.
It could prejudice your case
if I have to forge one.
I shall deny that I've confessed.
Perjury is a very serious crime.
Have you no respect for the truth?
We have an old saying
in the force, Phyllis.
"Waste time on the truth
"and you'll pound the beat
till the day you retire."
The police used to be run
by men of integrity.
That is a mistake
which has since been rectified.
Oh, come along, Phyllis.
I can't stand here all day.
My name is Phyllis Jean McMahon,
alias Faye Jean McMahon.
I am 28 years of age
and a nurse by profession.
On 3 July last I advertised
in the trade papers for a position.
Mr McLeavy answered. He wished me
to nurse his wife back to health.
A task I found impossible.
Mrs McLeavy was dying.
Euthanasia was against my religion.
Instead I decided to murder her.
I administered poison
on the night of 22 September.
The next morning she died
and I notified the authorities.
I have had nothing but heartache since.
I am very sorry for my dreadful crime.
Very good, very good.
Your style is simple and direct.
It's a theme which,
less skilfully handled,
could have given offence.
How could you do it?
Rob me of my only support!
I offered you a replacement.
I never knew
such wickedness was possible.
You knew of my character
when you employed me.
My references were signed
by people of repute.
- You murdered most of them.
- That doesn't invalidate their signatures.
Pack your bags.
You won't be arrested from my house.
Come, sir. Come, sir.
Come, sir, please.
You and I have to make arrangements
to transport Mrs, um...
- Mrs, um...
- Mrs McLeavy.
...Mrs McLeavy
to the coroner's court.
Don't try to escape or commit suicide.
Either will get you nowhere.
My assistant will escort you
to the police station.
Meadows!
I imagine, sir, that the police surgeon
will probably like to have a peek
at your good lady's stomach.
Follow me, will you?
Is the poor woman
never to get any rest?
I heard everything.
I've never seen you in adversity before.
It's an unforgettable experience.
I love you.
I'll wait for you forever.
No, you'll tire of waiting
and marry someone else.
He won't, you know.
He'll be in prison himself.
When they go to examine Mum's body
they'll have us all
by the short and curlies.
We're ready when you are, miss.
Goodbye, Phyllis.
I count a mother well lost
to have met you.
Goodbye, darling.
I'll wait for years.
- Years?
- Years.
- Years.
- Years.
- Years.
- Years.
Years.
Years.
- Years.
- Years.
Oh, years.
Years, years.
Years, years.
- Oh, years.
- Years.
Years, years.
Years. Oh, years.
- Years.
- Years.
Oh...
Years.
Here! What...?
Well, sir, the sooner we get a spoonful
of your wife's... tummy on a slide,
the sooner McMahon faces
a murder rap.
Inspector, I'm afraid
I've got some bad news for you.
Oh? What's that?
Mrs McLeavy is minus her vital organs.
What? What?
- What, what, what, what?
- They were removed during embalming.
Baby!
What? What, all of them?
The lot. All you'll find inside her are
screwed-up copies of the Daily Mirror.
The Daily Mirror?
No slight was intended,
Mr McLeavy.
We just happen to use whatever
the lads are reading at the time.
Could have been
the Jewish Chronicle.
I'm afraid
you have no... evidence.
What an amazing...
What an amazing woman.
She's got away with it again.
- Meadows?
- Yes, sir? Over.
'Meadows, bring her back.
'Look sharp,
or she'll sue us for wrongful arrest.'
Understood, sir. Over and out.
I'm sorry, I'm rather confused.
Is she to get away with this?
Didn't she murder my wife?
Oh, no doubt of it, sir.
No doubt at all.
But I'm afraid that
without your wife's... stomach
we have no evidence
on which to convict.
But surely it isn't normal practice
to use newspaper for such purposes?
I was most reluctant to reveal
the secrets of the trade, Mr McLeavy.
The Daily Mirror!
She only read the Telegraph.
Is there no respect
for a person's political beliefs?
Well, McMahon, you've had
another twelfth-hour escape.
I'll tell you one thing,
you'll be blacklisted.
I'll see you never get
another nursing job again.
Oh, now, now, sir.
Don't let's be vindictive.
Show a little tolerance, please.
Phyllis, perhaps you'd be kind enough
to make us a cup of tea?
Well, Phyllis, there's still a chance
I may get you.
As an accessory
to a far more serious breach of the law
than the mere taking of a human life.
More serious than the taking of a life?
I should say so, sir.
The stealing of public money,
which is precisely what your son
and his accomplices have done.
During the course of my investigation
I came across this.
It's a marble.
No, sir, it's not a marble.
It looks to me like a...
a glass eye.
Well, I think it's a marble
which has been trodden on.
No, sir.
It's an eye.
The maker's name is clearly engraved.
"J&S Fraser."
Eye makers to the profession.
Where did this eye come from?
Answer me!
Where did it come from?
- From Mum's body.
- Hm!
Sacred heaven, no!
We're ready for a serious discussion
but not bad language.
You heard him confess.
My son has stolen the eyes
from his dead mother.
I've raised a ghoul
at my own expense.
The coffin must be opened.
Fetch a screwdriver.
I advise caution, sir.
That coffin's taking quite a pasting.
She may be in pieces.
This is unwarranted
interference with the dead.
Look, she was my wife.
I can do what I like with her.
Indeed not, sir.
Conjugal rights stop
with the last heartbeat.
Yes, well, I'm not surprised.
Serves him right
for tampering with dead bodies.
Equivalent to tomb-robbing.
Kindly replace the lid, lads, will you?
Dad?
- Huh?
- Dad?
Ah, my little darl...
Harold, why?
Why did you do it?
What have you done
with your poor mother?
What?
What?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, that this should happen to me,
a man that was kissed by the Pope.
I'll disown you.
You're no son of mine.
I'll put it about
that I was cuckolded.
Hey, Dad, I'm in a bit of a spot.
I'll confess to Father O'Shaughnessy.
Now, you'd like that, eh?
- You young pup!
- Oh!
Dad, look, don't get stroppy.
I'm sorry I ever begat you.
I'd have withheld
at the moment of conception if I'd known.
Where did I go wrong?
I lavished you with everything.
It's that Dennis. It's his fault.
He's led you astray.
Ah, you're a good boy.
You wouldn't do a thing like this,
not my son.
Where are your tears?
She was your mother.
She's dust, Dad, dust, that's all.
Wicked, wicked boy.
These hairs, the grey.
I'd be a brunette today
if you'd been an accountant.
Wicked, evil boy.
Come, sir. Come, sir. Come, sir.
Fathers discover
greater iniquities in their sons
than the theft of an eye.
How are you feeling, sir?
I wish to prefer charges.
Who do you wish to charge?
I wish to charge my son...
my son...
I wish to charge myself.
Would you mind leaving us
for a moment, sir?
Why, yes, sir.
I must warn you, sir, that
anything you say may be taken down,
twisted, altered and used
in evidence against you.
Now, what crime have you committed?
I have given misleading information
to the police.
What misleading information?
Well, I'm not prepared to tell you.
Then how do we know your admission
of giving misleading information
isn't in itself misleading?
You'll have to take my word for it.
I'm not prepared to do that.
You must be more specific.
Very well. I'm responsible
for the bank robbery.
I'm the real culprit.
Arrest me and close the case.
Nonsense.
You're just shielding your son.
No, he's not responsible.
As God's my witness,
the guilt is mine.
I must atone for my sins.
I ask to be sent to jail.
Your behaviour is quite scandalous.
With a father like you, no wonder
your son took to robbing banks.
- What's up?
- Money in the coffin, right?
- Right.
- Coffin in the van and away, right?
Wrong. My dad's confessed
to the bank job.
Your dad? Why should your dad
confess to the bank job?
He blames himself for my upbringing
and wants to be punished.
I think that's very reasonable.
I think I'll go to confession tonight,
purge my soul of today's events.
It's times like this
I regret not being a Catholic.
Meadows, we're pulling out.
Oh.
Forgive the intrusion.
I'm off now.
My men will be coming inside shortly.
They're capable of causing damage
without my supervision
so I'll take my leave of you.
Aren't you going to arrest my dad, then?
We only arrest the innocent
as a last resort.
We all know
who the guilty parties are.
It's just a question
of my finding the money.
Yes, well, ta-da, Inspector.
Ta-da, lad.
- Cheerio, Inspector.
- Bye-bye.
Goodbye. It's been nice
seeing you again.
Goodbye, Phyllis.
Yes, well, you should have known
you stood no chance
against modern methods of detection.
I want a full statement
from the two of you.
It's no good, Inspector.
You're too clever for us.
Thank you, lad. Thank you.
Hey!
Stop!
Loot's the root
Loot's the root
Now you got the money,
well, you know it's gonna be all right
Now it's gonna be fine
every day and every single night
Loot, loot
Everyone needs it
Loot, loot
You better believe it
Loot's the root
Loot's the root
Loot
Trying to get the money
out the country?
Damn silly thing to do.
Might easily have got
into the wrong hands.
My God, you're in trouble now, lad.
Perhaps I might ask you
to accompany me to the station.
Come along, lad.
And you, Phyllis.
You know what usually
happens in a case like this?
The criminals, in a last
desperate attempt to elude justice,
try to bribe the arresting officer.
Oh, really?
Well, it has happened.
Every man has his price, they say.
- What's yours?
- I thought you'd never ask.
You're fucking nicked,
my old beauty.
We've found the money
so I've decided to arrest you.
Ah, God bless you, Inspector.
You're one of nature's gentlemen.
I want to thank you, sir.
You're a kind man.
I knew the British police force
wouldn't let a father suffer unnecessarily.
- You'll get 20 years for this.
- Oh, God bless you, sir.
Inspector Truscott, what if
McLeavy confesses to his priest?
- We could be exposed.
- I've been exposed before.
- What happened?
- I arrested him, a furrier from Dundee.
- He's doing 12 years.
- What will you charge McLeavy with?
Oh, anything will do
so long as the public's confidence
in the police force is not undermined.
Mr McLeavy will do
a grave disservice to the community
if he reveals
the full facts of this case.
I am left, therefore, with no alternative
but to arrest him for the public good.
- Dad?
- Oh, goodbye, son.
Cheerio. I'm sure
it's the best solution for us all.
It's only right that I pay
for what I've done to you.
Oh, I agree, Dad.
- Bless you.
- Oh, God bless you.
McLeavy, I'm leaving tonight.
This is quite the worst hotel ever.
I phoned the AA and complained.
Kindly have my bill made up at once.
Yes, sir. I will, sir.
God bless you, sir.
- Pleasant holiday.
- What will you do with your share?
I shall put it in my locker
at the station, lad.
We have an old maxim in the force.
"Never search your own back yard.
You may find what you're looking for."
What a nice man.
When we are married,
you'll have to move out.
- Why?
- People would talk.
We must keep up appearances.
Er, I'm afraid that's true, Hal.
Give us a kiss.
More
More
More, more, more
And I can tell you why
There is nothing I am sure
Money cannot buy
Money cannot buy
Money cannot buy
Loot
More
More
More, more, more
More than you ever see
There's one thing I am sure
Money's what I need
Gotta get some money
Gotta get it right away
Cos I know what money means to me
Gotta get some money
Gotta get it, come what may
More
I want more
And I can tell you why
There is nothing, I am sure
Money cannot buy
There is nothing I am sure
Money cannot buy
Money cannot buy
Money cannot buy
- You're very kind.
- I know, I'm one in a million.
Sit down, McLeavy.
Save your strength for the funeral.
There's no hope, then, Father?
There's no hope for her down here
and even less so up there.
You didn't manage
the conversion, then?
A Protestant she's lived
and a Protestant she'll die.
A good Catholic boy like you.
How the hell did you ever manage
to meet up with her?
Well, it was an informal get-together
run by a Benedictine monk.
She's always been a good mother.
She's never interfered
with our son's religious upbringing.
- Excuse me, Father.
- Has she gone?
She's sinking fast.
She's asking for her son.
- Didn't she ask to see me?
- Just her son.
- She was always very close to him.
- Well, where is he?
'Oh, he went for a walk.
'The doctor advised fresh air.
He was so overcome with grief.'
Go on, then.
Get back on your beat.
I say, do you two always
do everything together?
Yeah, we're a double act.
I like to see him enjoy himself.
Oh, I got a son at home your age.
Bring him along next time.
We'll have a foursome.
Yeah, nice.
Close the door behind you.
That's the first time
I've ever had a copper.
Well, it makes a change.
They've had you enough times.
True.
Here you are, baby.
I'm fed up with this job.
I can't wait to get out of it
and away from this poxy climate.
- Won't be long now, baby.
- I wonder how your mother is.
- She can't last much longer.
- You've been saying that for weeks.
If she don't die soon,
I'll be a nervous wreck.
What do you want me to do?
Help her on her way?
More, more
I want more
I don't want no one to thank
I know I've got to break that law
Cos I'm gonna rob a bank
Anyway, give your mum my regards.
Hang about. I'll get a report.
Morning. Lovely morning.
You just missed her.
She's gone.
To wherever Protestants go.
Yes, it is a lovely morning.
Well, what's this?
- It's a cold collation, sir.
- Oh, but it's Monday.
There's always steak and kidney
pudding on Monday.
Mrs McLeavy died this morning, sir.
Well, staff problems are not my concern.
Unfortunately she was unable
to make a pudding before she went.
I hope this doesn't prove
to be a permanent state of affairs.
Well, it is for her, sir.
They're Mrs McLeavy's slippers.
Yes. She wouldn't mind
my having them.
When are they coming to collect her?
Oh, this afternoon.
I'm having her embalmed.
Embalmed?
She'd enjoy that.
She always used a lot of make-up.
And then the funeral's on Thursday.
You realise, of course, that the death
of a patient terminates my contract?
- Yes.
- When do you wish me to leave?
Oh, stay, for a few hours.
I've grown used to your company.
Impossible. I'm needed
at other sick beds.
You've been a widower
for several hours now.
Have you...
Have you considered
a second marriage yet?
Well, not yet.
You must find someone
to take Mrs McLeavy's place.
She wasn't perfect.
Well, a second wife would be
a physical impossibility.
Nonsense.
My last husband was 60.
He came through with flying colours.
Three days after our wedding
he was performing extraordinary feats.
You must marry a girl
with youth and vitality.
I can visualise her.
Medium height, slim, fair hair.
A regular visitor
to some place of worship
and an ex-member
of the League of Mary.
- Somebody like yourself?
- Exactly.
You must marry again
after a decent interval of mourning.
What's a decent interval?
A fortnight's long enough
to indicate grief.
We must keep abreast of the times.
- Mr McLeavy?
- Yes.
A very sad occasion.
- Yes, it is.
- Words are totally inadequate.
Yes.
May we come in?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yes, of course.
- Hello, Mr McLeavy.
- Oh, hello, Dennis.
A very sad occasion.
Oh, yes, yes, it is.
- Is this your first bereavement?
- Yes.
- Yes, it is.
- May I recommend this booklet?
We find it helpful
to newcomers to these occasions.
You will find comfort
from various sources.
The New Testament, Old Testament,
Talmud and Koran.
Strike out whichever is inapplicable.
- My wife was a Protestant.
- Takes all sorts to make a world.
Yesterday we buried a vegetarian.
Oh, well, it's... it's warm.
Perhaps I could give you
some refreshments.
A thoughtful and generous offer.
All right, boys, drop it down there.
Hello, Father O'Shaughnessy.
Are you doing this one, Father?
No, no, no.
Unfortunately she wasn't one of ours.
Poor, miserable woman.
- Oh, that's enough, now.
- I've only got five minutes.
That's four longer
than you usually need.
Control yourself.
It's not Wednesday night.
But I want you.
- Have you no respect for my uniform?
- Oh, that starched apron.
Those black stockings.
Marry me.
I've no intention of dressing like this
for the rest of my life.
- Oh, but you must marry me.
- I'm old-fashioned.
- I only marry for money.
- But I'll have money very soon now.
- More than you ever dreamed of.
- Well, then, broach the subject again.
I'm engaged.
- You were quick.
- Don't you start.
- Everything all right, baby?
- Yeah.
Come on, let's get on with it.
Right.
We do the job Tuesday night
the day before the funeral.
Oh, and this time no cock-ups.
I'll lose faith if we get nicked again.
Don't go on, baby.
I remember the humiliating
circumstances of past failures.
We wouldn't have been nicked
if you'd kept your mouth shut.
Making us look ridiculous
by telling the truth.
Why can't you lie
like a normal man?
I can't, baby.
It's against my nature.
Anything else I'm capable of
but not that.
This time no mistakes.
The bank.
The undertaker's shop.
The chapel of rest
where your old lady will be stretched out.
We break through the wall
to the back of the safe.
- Take the money out.
- Bring it to the chapel.
- Take the old lady out.
- Put the money in.
- Put her back on top of it.
- And wait for her to be delivered here
for the wake.
Nice, very nice.
- And Hal, this plan...
- Yeah?
Burn it.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
thank you for making me rich.
For what we are about to receive, amen.
Loot's the root
Loot's the root
Loot
If you ain't got no money
Well, you've only got yourself to thank
Why don't you get out
And go rob yourself a bank
Loot, loot
Everyone needs it
Loot, loot
You better believe it
Loot's the root
Loot's the root
Loot
When you got the money
Well, you know
it's gonna be all right
Then it's gonna be fine
Every day and every single night
Loot, loot
Everyone needs it
Loot, loot
You better believe it
Loot's the root
Loot's the root
Mm, baby. Mm, mm.
- Mm, baby.
- Hey, keep your mind on your work.
Nothing personal, baby.
Anyway, it was you
who insisted we work bare-arsed.
Of course.
Brick dust in the clobber,
forensic labs.
It's got to be 15 years.
Have a shower when you get home.
In your ear holes, between your toes,
up your jacksy and blow your nose.
They look everywhere.
She's never looked that well
all the time I've known her.
We do a good job.
Last for years, she will.
- I see she was a member of the WVA.
- Yeah.
That was her dying wish,
to be buried in her uniform.
Here, what are you gonna do
with your share?
I'm gonna realise
a childhood ambition.
I'm gonna open a brothel.
It will be a three-star brothel
and I'll advertise, "By appointment."
Like jam it will be limited to aristocracy,
members of the government
and high-ranking dignitaries
of the Church.
I'll have a spade bird.
I don't believe in the colour bar.
And a Finnish bird.
And I'll make 'em kip together
to bring out the contrast.
A dark bird
who's dyed her hair blonde
and a blonde bird
who's dyed her hair dark.
I'll have a midget
and a tall bird with big bristols.
I'll have a Chinese bird,
a Dutch bird, a French bird,
a Zulu bird,
and, for seekers after the unusual,
an Eskimo bird.
Old-age pensioners half price
and a complete change of linen
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I'll run it like the Co-op
and give them divi numbers.
You can have life membership
and come anytime you want
free of charge.
You'll kill yourself.
Oh, no, I won't indulge.
I'll just be the Madam.
- Why?
- I'm on the wagon.
Trying to get up a sufficient
head of steam to marry.
Marry?
- Have you anyone in mind?
- Your mum's nurse.
My mum's nurse?
She's older than you.
An experienced woman is the finest thing
that can happen to a lad.
My dad swears by 'em.
She's three-parts papal nuncio.
She'll only do it at set times.
No, she does it at any old time.
Typical member
of the medical profession she is.
Have you had her?
Knocked it off?
- Really!
- Under that picture of the sacred heart.
In her room?
Every Wednesday night
while you was training at the gymnasium.
Oh, that's nice!
Thank you.
I'd like to get married.
Well, it's the only thing I haven't tried.
I don't like to see you
living for kicks, baby.
But whatever turns you on
is OK by me.
- I knew you'd understand.
- Yeah!
What was that?
- He's here.
- We're done for.
- Oh, what a balls-up.
- Batten down the hatches.
- Mind her face.
- Well, it's no good.
She won't go in.
We'll have to get rid of some of it.
We can't do that.
That's an indecent suggestion.
- Well, what are we gonna do, then?
- Move.
What, get rid of her?
- Where?
- In the karsi.
Your lovely old mum.
She gave you birth,
washed your nappies.
- Thank you.
- There's no name for this.
We're creating a precedent.
Get the clothes.
Come on!
Ups-a-daisy.
I'm due at work in ten minutes.
I mustn't be late.
What about the old lady?
We can't leave her here.
Get your dad's van and collect her.
Then throw all her stuff away.
And have a bloody wash!
Good morning.
We got the money away
From the people
who said that it was bad
And now they haven't got
what they said they didn't want
And I can see they're getting mad
What are they talking about
It's all their fault
We're just walking about
With the money they didn't want
- It's Inspector, um...
- Truscott. Truscott of the Yard.
- Meadows?
- Yes, sir.
- Search the premises, will you?
- Yes, sir.
Barnes, Thompson,
get on with your fingerprints.
Williams, pop down the road and get me
a cup of tea and a fried-egg sandwich.
- Yes, sir.
- Got straight out of bed.
Um...
Oh, very well, but do hurry up.
We've got work to do.
Yes, sir.
104,000 missing.
And I only joined the branch last week.
Did you, sir?
That's very suspicious.
- What are you implying?
- Nothing, merely an observation
that may or may not
have a bearing on the case.
The point is,
can you get the money back?
Extremely unlikely. Hardly ever do.
Probably out of the country by now.
Ah, Williams. Ah.
Thank you very much.
- So what do you intend to do, then?
- Oh, make an arrest.
You know the guilty parties?
I wouldn't go as far as to say that
but we shall get somebody for it.
Police don't like to fail, you know.
You leave it to us.
Good gracious me.
What's all this?
These men work with me, Inspector.
Would it be in order
if they removed the deceased?
The deceased?
Good gracious me.
Do you mean there's...
somebody in there?
It's the late Mrs McLeavy, sir.
Oh.
Right, well...
Carry on, lads. Carry on.
Fothergill, Williams,
give them a hand.
- Let us pray. "In the midst of life..."
- Morning. Lovely morning.
"In the midst of life we are in death.
"Of whom may we seek for succour
but of Thee
"who, for our sins,
are justly displeased.
"Lord have mercy upon us.
Christ have mercy upon us.
- "Our Father..."
- "Our Father, which art in Heaven..."
We must get the money out of there
and your mother in.
Get all the household up to bed.
"Forgive us our trespasses..."
Give me a ring when you're ready
and I'll come over right away.
"For Thine is the kingdom,
the power and the glory..."
- All right?
- Amen.
'With all that sunshine
forecast for tomorrow
'I'm sure we can all look forward
to a most enjoyable day.
'Good night.'
That's the lot.
- Good night.
- Oh, er, good night, sir.
Would you be wanting anything else
before you turn in?
I want an 8:30 call,
one lightly boiled egg,
tea, toast and marmalade.
Yes, certainly, sir.
It's a pleasure to serve you, sir.
You'd better get to bed as well.
Funeral tomorrow.
I don't like her left on her own.
I was going to say a prayer for her.
- Our Father...
- I'll sit up with her. You get some sleep.
- Not as young as you were.
- Good boy, good boy.
I've always had faith in you.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done.
- Thy kingdom come, Dad.
- As it is in Heaven.
Her spirit must be gazing down
with tears in its eyes.
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses.
- You can say that again.
- Good night, son.
Excuse me, Inspector.
The telephone.
Hello, sweetheart.
My mother says I can't come out tonight.
Hello?
Hello? Truscott here.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Your accomplice hung up.
- Didn't want to speak to me, lad.
- I haven't got no accomplice.
Don't give me that crap or I shall have
to have you thumped again.
- Where's the money?
- Wait till my mum and dad get home!
Oh, yes. Gone to the films, you said.
Mm, nice parents I must say,
watching all that sex and violence.
Probably a case
for running them in as well.
Let's start again, shall we?
Denny, baby.
Er, good evening.
- Mr McLeavy.
- Yes?
These ladies and I represent
the Women's Volunteer Auxiliary
from various parts
of southern England.
We've come
to ask your permission
to form a guard of honour
at the graveside tomorrow.
Well, it's a proud man I am
to know she was
such a loved and respected figure.
Your late wife
was well known to us all.
We were shocked
to hear of her sad passing.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Good night.
- Drive carefully.
Oh!
Oh, yes, thank you.
- Good night.
- Thank you.
To put you in the picture
Here is where we stand
Money's in the coffin
Mother's in the van
Here's the only hotel guest
Complaining all the time
And there's the grieving husband
Unaware of crime
Then there is the nurse
who's trying Mother's dresses on
She plans to marry Father
Now that Mother's gone
Here you see a worried man
His name is Hal
Pacing up and down his room
And waiting for his pal
And we don't need reminding
what happened to him
What happened to him
What happened to him
What happened to him,
what happened to him
Ow!
You're late.
I've been waiting for you.
- Have you?
- It's Wednesday.
Weds...
Oh, Christ.
I thought you weren't coming.
Come to bed this instant.
Tell me... Tell me...
Tell me that you love me.
What?
Tell me that you love me.
I love you.
Your responses lack
their usual ardour.
Mm... Ow!
Oh, look, I can't, not now.
- Can't?
- No, I can't.
Can't?
You've been gratifying
your sexual lust elsewhere.
Look at you. You're in a state
of complete exhaustion.
- I've been running, that's all.
- Don't lie to me.
I'm not lying, I swear it.
I'm not interested in other women.
I want you. I wanna marry you.
I've already told you,
you belong to the wrong faith
and income bracket. Get out.
But I'm rich. I got money now.
I shall be going abroad.
Money? From where?
My life insurance has matured.
At 23 and a half?
The sum involved must be trivial.
Unless the premiums
are exceptionally large.
Look, I'm worth thousands more money
than you ever dreamed of.
Very well. I shall give your new offer
sympathetic consideration.
You won't regret it.
What's happened, baby?
I've been scared out of my mind.
- We're in trouble.
- I know. Truscott on the phone.
Turned the whole bleeding house over.
Bastard saw me at the shop.
- Then he twisted my cobblers.
- Not your cobblers!
God, he did make me feel bad.
If I have to wear a dress,
I shall sue.
- Well, why did you let him in?
- I didn't.
- He said he was from the water board.
- "You're the law," I said.
- What did he say?
- Nothing.
He just pushed in and kept on
about looking for the stopcocks.
I asked him if he had a warrant.
He said the board didn't issue warrants.
- Did he mention me?
- He asked who my accomplice was.
- Oh, no.
- That's all right.
I swore blind I never knew
what he was on about.
Then he left.
It's only a matter of time
before they're round here.
- Oh, God.
- Well, might be on their way now.
- Where's the loot?
- Still in the coffin.
- Mum's in the garage.
- Right.
We'd better bung her back in the coffin
and get the money out the house.
Come on.
Er, Mc... McLeavy's hotel.
Room service.
What?
Listen, you'll have to speak up.
I can't hear you.
There are burglars in the hotel.
We'll all be murdered in our beds.
Now, don't panic, sir.
I'll investigate immediately.
Burglars?
- What is it?
- Shh, shh.
Such devotion.
He's never left her side.
Oh, come.
You mustn't give way.
You must compose yourself
for the funeral.
Oh... that, er, nightdress is attractive.
- It suits you, black.
- It's another piece of your wife's finery.
Some people would censure me
for wearing it.
Well, she has no further use for it.
You feeling calmer now?
Er...
Yes, thank you.
I keep thinking of Harold.
I never realised
how much he loved his mother.
My only fear is that the poor boy lacks
the benefit of a mother's guiding hand.
Not for long perhaps.
I shall speak to him for you.
Oh, you're very good to me.
As long as you appreciate
my desire to help you.
My own life has been an unhappy one.
I want yours to be better.
- You've had an unhappy life?
- Oh, yes, very.
All my husbands died,
leaving me nothing but memories.
- All of them?
- I've had seven altogether.
Nearly one a year since I was 16.
Well, the Lord acts in mysterious ways.
Yes, but things are looking up.
Oh? How's that?
Your wife changed her will
shortly before she died,
leaving all her money to me.
What? Oh, it's God's punishment on me
for marrying a Protestant.
- Well, how much did she leave you?
- 19,000.
19,000?
There you are.
Good as new.
Here, her eyes are brown.
Mum's eyes were blue.
That's a bit strange, isn't it?
Oh, well, I expect they ran out of blues.
Aren't they her own eyes, then?
Such an innocent, aren't you, baby?
Not familiar with the ways of the world.
We sold her own for a transplant.
Well, waste not, want not, Hal.
I'll go and get the van.
That surprises me, that does.
Not her own eyes!
Surround the premises.
I'll surround the house.
Surround the premises.
He'll surround the house.
- Harold?
- Yes?
Why did you open the coffin?
Well...
You wanted to make sure
the bank robbers hadn't damaged it?
Bank robbers?
Oh, it was on television
and in the newspapers, all that money.
Your mother's body was witness
to a very famous crime.
Oh, she looks a treat
in her uniform.
It was one of those big gangs
from London, I expect.
What do you know about it?
It was a small gang, see.
One or two men.
And between them...
...more money
than you ever dreamed of.
More money than...
Do you know the men concerned?
Our Father who art in Heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done,
on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us...
Truscott here. Are you all
in position at the back? Over.
'Right, sir. Over and out.'
Right, I'm going in. Over and out.
He's going in. Over and out.
'Emergency.
Which service?'
- Police.
- 'Police.'
This is Hotel McLeavy.
There are burglars in the hotel.
Send constables immediately.
'Right away, sir.'
Now you got the money
Where you gonna hide it,
where you gonna put it
So they won't find it
You ain't got
what you think you've got
Till you've banked the bloody lot
Glory be to God.
What's going on down there?
Thank God, the police!
Arrest that man.
I think you've made a mistake, sir.
I'm from the water board.
I'm on a fact-finding tour of the area
and I want to inspect your mains supply.
Oh, don't move. Don't move.
Oh. Don't move.
Hello, hello, hello.
What's all this, then?
What have I stumbled upon here?
Some midnight sex and drug orgy?
I've been struck down from behind
by an unknown assailant.
I thought you were a burglar.
Protecting my property
at the risk of injury. God bless you, sir.
- I am going to bed.
- A boiled egg,
tea, toast and marmalade at 8:30.
- I won't forget.
- This is a mad house.
I shall write to the AA in the morning.
Might I suggest
that we call a doctor?
Oh, that won't be necessary.
Fortuitously I am a trained nurse.
- And who might you be?
- I might be a lot of people.
At the moment
I'm with the water board.
Perchance I might perhaps
inspect your water mains.
- At one o'clock in the morning?
- Water is no respecter of time, miss.
I really must insist
that Mr McLeavy be removed
to the comfort of his own bed.
Yes, of course.
Permit us to assist you.
Come along, come along.
The water board?
Is my hotel in danger of flooding?
Is tragedy about to strike me again?
Not if we find what we're... looking for.
Yes, very nicely done, miss.
Now, sir, if you'll excuse me,
I'll be about my duty.
- I shall search the house first.
- What for?
I told you, miss.
I wish to inspect your mains supply.
Er, it's outside.
Is it?
Well, now, I wonder
how it came to be put out there.
Most, er...
ingenious.
Perhaps there's an extension
inside the house.
No, it's in the garden.
- Where exactly?
- I don't know.
Well, I suggest you find out, sir.
Any council property
must be available on demand.
The law's quite clear on that point.
I wouldn't like
to place myself outside the law.
Er, I believe it's near
the gnomes' rookery.
Perhaps Nurse McMahon
would show you.
Ooh, well...
I'll just go slip into something suitable.
Well, thank you, sir.
Well, lad,
now let's see
what's inside your cupboard.
Oh! Ow!
Are you familiar
with a lad called... Dennis?
I used to be
but now we're just good friends.
Good. He's not your type, you know.
He's got five pregnancies to his credit.
- Well, anyone can make a mistake.
- He's got a habit of making mistakes.
Where does he commit
these... acts of indecency?
In the back of the hearse.
I see.
"No car of his own."
Where's the money
from the bank job buried?
- Your mate said you buried it.
- He's a bloody...
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
You can't catch me like that.
Clever lad, clever lad.
Sharp mind.
Frightening.
We have vacancies for lads
of your calibre in the force.
Why don't you cooperate with me?
I'll put in a good word for you.
That could only go against me
with an honest judge. Look...
I refuse to answer
any more questions from the police
without my solicitor present.
I am not a policeman.
I know you. You're the law.
You beat my mate up at his house.
And you twisted his cobblers.
I hope you're prepared
to substantiate these accusations.
- What evidence have you?
- His b... bruises.
Are you aware
of the official version of those?
- Resisting arrest, yes.
- Precisely.
Watch it, lad, making false accusations
against members of the water board.
- You know...
- Yes.
Ow!
If I hear you accuse us again
of using violence against a suspect
I'll take you to the station
and kick your eyes
through the back of your head.
Ahem.
Oh! Ah!
The young gentleman
overbalanced, miss.
Well, now... Are we ready?
That bastard's closing in on us.
Ah, don't worry, baby.
Without the loot, he's knackered.
He can't prove a thing.
- Are those your men?
- They are.
What are they doing?
Looking for freshly turned earth.
Of what possible interest is
freshly turned earth to the water board?
We're investigating sabotage
to our pipe lines.
Welsh nationalists
have been reported in the area.
It's bleeding crawling with law.
Harold! Harold!
Go back to bed, Dad.
You're interrupting my novena.
- Hail Mary, full of grace...
- Harold, are you there?
What's going on?
Will you open the door?
Blessed art thou amongst women.
Harold!
Sorry, Dad. I was halfway
through some Hail Marys.
Oh, you're a good boy. I'll join you.
Look, Dad, we'll take it in turns, eh?
Two hours on, two hours off.
You come back at four.
I can't sleep
with the pains in my head.
We'll just kneel down
and have a few quick ejaculations.
- Jesus, Mary and Joseph...
- Assist me in my agony.
- Jesus, Mary and Joseph...
- In their glory for ever and ever, amen.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph,
may I breathe forth my soul.
- Peace with you. Amen.
- Amen.
She looks well, doesn't she?
Ah, the gnomes.
Seven husbands in a decade.
There's something wrong
with your approach.
I find it frightening that,
undeterred by the past,
- you're contemplating an engagement.
- How do you know?
You wear another woman's clothes
as though born to them.
You amaze me. This nightdress
did belong to Mrs McLeavy.
An elementary deduction. The stitching
is of the type worn by elderly women.
- You should be a detective.
- Tell me,
when you propose
to marry Mr McLeavy?
At once. Why do you ask?
Anything done in conjunction
with yourself results in death.
How dare you speak to me like that?
Who are you?
Merely a council employee
who's allowed his imagination to wander.
Forgive me if I've upset you.
I wonder if you'd be kind enough
to sign this chit.
- It's blank.
- That's in order.
I'd prefer you to help me blindly
without questions.
I can't sign my name to a blank sheet.
Somebody might forge a cheque.
- Sign my name, then.
- I don't know your name.
Good gracious,
what a very suspicious nature you have.
Sign yourself Queen Victoria.
No one will tamper with her account.
Come along.
Thank you. I think
that's all I require for the moment.
Queen Victoria.
Very gracious.
Thank you. Thank you.
Ah, have you found
what you were after?
No, sir, I haven't,
but it's my belief that your water mains
are connected with piping in the house.
And unless I'm very much mistaken
the object of my search is...
...in that cupboard.
- Open it up.
- It isn't locked.
Yes, well, that puts an entirely different
complexion on the matter.
Well, there's still a lot
of routine work to be done.
Good morning, sir.
My condolences
on your recent bereavement.
Death can be very tragic
for those that are left.
Thank you, sir. Good night, sir.
I hope he finds
what he was looking for.
I like to be of assistance to authority.
He didn't show any credentials.
I think we can rely on public servants
to behave themselves.
As a good citizen, I ignore the stories
which bring officialdom into disrepute.
Oh...
Oh, she cannot be brought back to life.
Your duty now is to the living
and to those who love you.
Apart from my son
and a mentally deranged sister
in a Dublin convent, I have no one.
All the more reason why my offer
of marriage is a generous one.
Now, you must go to bed.
The vicar will not take kindly
to you nodding off at the graveside.
The coffin must be closed.
The sight of his past wife distracts him
from the anticipation of his future one.
- You're not going to marry him!
- I'm considering it.
But you can't. You know
the way Dennis feels about you.
I cannot marry boys.
With your father we'll start
a second family under my guidance.
A fully productive life is not possible
with a man my father's age.
We shall prove you wrong.
My dad couldn't propagate
a row of tomatoes.
My mind is made up.
I've no intention
of marrying your friend.
I am a woman.
Only half the human race can say that
without fear of contradiction.
Baby?
Baby?
She's turned me down.
She's broken my heart.
Oh, she don't know
what she's missing, baby.
She does.
That's what's so humiliating.
Oh, forget about it.
Look, we don't need her.
But I love her. I love her!
Don't you believe in love?
No, we're too old.
Put those nasty, negative ideas
out of your mind.
Baby!
You can buy all the love you want
when we get out of here.
Good, all clear.
Now, go and get the van.
Now, there's nobody out there,
so will you go and get the van?
Go and get the bleeding van!
Hal?
We're trapped.
- Are they still there?
- They must be.
They've camouflaged themselves,
the cunning bastards.
We've got to get this money out of here.
They'll be in the bleeding house next.
- Ooh!
- What?
Oh, yeah! Old lady down here,
money back in the coffin.
Ain't it in use? Can't have her
chuntering up and down all day.
No, we ain't used it in years.
One, two, three...
Hal,
sorry about this, baby, but...
we're gonna have to get rid of your mum.
Yeah, I suppose so.
- Shove her off the pier?
- No. What about the marshes?
That's it,
weigh her down with a rock,
then go to the churchyard,
dig up the loot.
We'll have to get rid of that uniform.
Take her clothes off?
To avoid identification
should the remains be discovered.
Bury her naked.
My own mum!
It's a Freudian nightmare.
Here, I'm sure that would be committing
some kind of unforgiveable sin.
- Only if you're a Catholic.
- Well, I am a Catholic.
Nah, I can't undress her.
She's a relative. I could go to hell.
I'll undress her.
I don't believe in hell.
Oh, yeah! That's typical
of your upbringing, that is.
- You what?
- You had every benefit lavished on you.
Atheism, breastfeeding, circumcision.
I had to make my own way in life.
Thank Christ
he's not having her cremated.
The Ten Commandments.
She was a great believer
in some of them.
Come along now, Dennis. Get moving.
This isn't the only job we have today.
I can't. Mr McLeavy's car
is blocking my way.
Then unblock it, Dennis.
Unblock it.
Now, ask me to marry you.
I've no intention of refusing.
- Now?
- And do it on your knees.
I'm a great believer
in traditional positions.
- Ready for the off?
- One moment.
Your father's about to propose.
You can stay if you like.
Would anyone mind
if we got started?
We'll have the vicar
effing and blinding if we're late.
This is so undignified.
I'm giving no exhibition
in front of my son.
I'll propose on the way
to the cemetery. How's that?
Please don't marry him. Please!
- He's richer than Dad is.
- Has he his bank statement with him?
It's not in the bank.
He's taken it out. Oh!
Will you stop this talk?
Mrs McLeavy is keeping
her maker waiting.
You know how she hated
to miss an appointment.
Well, the funeral's off
as far as I'm concerned.
Back to your driving, baby.
Dennis, where did you get your money?
My auntie left it me.
Is that true, Harold?
No.
You make our life together impossible.
- Lie, can't you?
- I can't, baby. You know that. I can't.
May we leave now? We'll all be ready
for our graves if we wait much longer.
Try and control yourself.
If I find you've been telling the truth
all afternoon, we're through.
Oh, no.
Do you mind backing up a little?
You're rather impeding our getaway.
If you'd like to latch onto us
at the gate.
Crafty bastard.
He's going to the funeral.
Good. I'll bury the money,
you bury your mum.
- I'm sorry, Dad. I can't go.
- Why not?
- It would upset me.
- That's what a funeral is meant to do.
- I, too, have decided not to attend.
- Why? What's wrong?
Your late wife did not
embrace our religion
and my presence at her funeral might
be interpreted as a form of approval.
I'll show my respects from afar.
The number of people staying away
from the funeral is heart-breaking.
And I hired the deluxe model
because they're roomier.
I could have saved myself the expense.
Every mother
Wants to
Help her son
any way that she can
And she's helping Hal
By supplying the getaway van
Yeah?
Is the money your friend has come into
the proceeds from the bank robbery?
Come on, answer.
Don't ask me.
I promised Dennis.
I knew it! And you've hidden it
in there, haven't you?
- No.
- You're lying.
- I'm not.
- What is in there, then?
What is in there?
A corpse.
So, you've added murder
to your list of achievements.
This is unforgiveable.
I shall speak to your father.
She is standing on her head.
Look, I've got to bury her.
Are you gonna help me?
- Help you?
- And I'll help you marry my dad.
I need no help from you
to get a man into bed.
I want the body stripped.
It isn't a thing someone
of the opposite sex should do.
Oh, you intend a country burial?
Yeah.
Suppose a dog were to discover her
while hunting for foxes?
Do not underestimate
the average foxhound.
A perfectly preserved body of a woman?
No sign of foul play?
We'll burn the uniform.
You can have her underwear.
Her teeth can go in the river.
What about payment?
- 20% of the loot.
- 33 and a third.
25% and you can keep
her engagement ring.
- Is it valuable?
- Very.
I shall add it to my collection.
I already have seven
by right of conquest.
33 and a third
and the engagement ring.
- You drive a hard bargain.
- I never bargain.
- Done.
- Done.
- Do you need any help?
- No, I can manage.
In my job I'm frequently called upon
to lift enormous men off bed pans.
Whatever more could Mother
Request in her last will
and testament
Than to be sure
Hal had
Money wherever he went
Yes, to be sure
Hal had
Money wherever he went
Is there no gallant soul
who'll save her from the flames?
She had a mortal fear
of being cremated.
Call the fire brigade.
That's a very expensive coffin.
Oh.
Brave lad, brave lad.
I'll give you 5 if you save the coffin.
You're a good boy.
God bless you, son.
What was that?
I can't see anything.
- Was it one of her rings?
- No, they're on her finger.
Lovely feet your mother had,
for a woman of her age.
Oh, no.
I'm, er, back again, miss.
- What is going on in this house?
- Nothing.
Oh, you admit it?
You must be very sure of yourself.
Why aren't you both at the funeral?
Why aren't you?
I left the procession
on a sudden whim
that I might achieve more here
than there.
I merely wanted
to look around the place.
Have you got a search warrant?
- What for?
- To search the hotel.
It's not necessary.
I've already searched the hotel.
I'm merely looking round as...
a prospective buyer.
I thought you were with the water board.
The water board, madam,
is no place for a man with ambition.
I may well decide
to become an hotelier.
Well, this hotel is not for sale.
- You haven't heard my offer yet.
- What is your offer.
I can't possibly answer that question
till I search the place, can I?
One of your guests
is sitting in the writing room
in the nude.
Oh, er, it must be...
- Lady Normanhurst again.
- Lady?
An aristocrat, much respected
by the lower classes
for their eccentric behaviour.
Go and remonstrate
with Her Ladyship.
Tell her if she wishes to worship the sun
to do so in the garden.
An excellent suggestion.
- I take it the bedrooms are this way.
- You'll find them very nicely appointed.
Oh.
Christ, her eyes!
Yes, there's more in this
than meets the eye.
Your suspicious behaviour
tempts me to believe
that you had a hand in the bank job.
The what?
I may be required to make an arrest.
The water board can't arrest people.
- They can in certain circumstances.
- What circumstances?
I'm not prepared to reveal
the inner workings of the water board
to a member of the general public.
Where's the money?
- It's being buried.
- Who's burying it?
Reverend Pilkington.
Come here, lad.
Come here!
Now, understand this, lad.
I'm gonna ask questions
and I want sensible answers.
None of your mickey-taking.
Understood?
Do I make myself clear?
I'm talking English. Understand?
Yeah.
Right.
As long as we all know.
Where's the money?
By now it should be halfway up the aisle
of the chapel at Durdans Park cemetery.
- Ow!
- How dare you? He's only a boy.
I'm not impressed by his sex, miss.
I'm asking for the truth.
I'm telling the truth.
I always tell the bloody truth.
Understand this, lad.
I'm not having any mickey-taking.
Kids nowadays seem to treat authority
as a challenge,
but I warn you,
if you oppose me in my duty
I'll kick those teeth of yours
clean through the back of your neck.
Is that clear?
Will you excuse me?
Well, of course, my dear.
You're at liberty to answer your doorbell.
That's how we know
we live in a free country.
Where's the money?
In the chapel.
There's been an accident.
- An accident?
- Mm.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Poor man.
Excuse me, lad. We'll finish
the cross-examination later.
Should we perhaps
have a look, my dear?
Very nicely done, miss.
Have you reported the accident, sir?
It's the shock. He can't talk.
- Does it happen often?
- Always in times of great stress.
Well, if he makes a habit of it,
perhaps he ought to learn sign language.
Can you...
Can you understand me, sir?
I shall have to make a full report.
May I have your statement, please, sir?
We...
We set off in high spirits.
The weather was dull,
a grey mist coming in from the sea.
Uh-huh.
The road to the cemetery is downhill.
It was a sad occasion for me.
Along the route perfect strangers
had the courtesy to raise their hats.
We got admiring glances
for the flowers
and sympathetic glances for me.
The dignity of the occasion
was unsurpassed.
- Denny.
- What? Oh, here.
- Was the coffin damaged?
- It's...
It's all right.
Your mother's quite safe.
All right, lads.
Into the bar for a drink.
I think we bloody well deserve it.
I'll have a triple after this lot.
Oh, baby.
Dennis. We're gonna have to get
the old lady back in the coffin.
Why?
The old man may want
a last look at her
to see if she's still in good shape.
- How much have you told her?
- Everything, baby.
I had to. She asked me.
We've never involved a woman
in anything unsavoury before.
Don't worry. My expertise may
come in useful in this matter.
Half of this is mine.
Now will you marry me?
We're splitting it up
one, two, three ways now, baby.
Out of104,000 you'll have...
34,667,
- 13 and fourpence,
- Is that enough?
You have a slight lead
over Mr McLeavy at the moment.
I'm engaged again.
You're too easily aroused.
- Good afternoon, Inspector.
- Good afternoon, sir.
We meet again.
Yes, well, as I was saying, Harold,
I'm afraid the wreaths
have been burnt to buggery.
But I think we might just manage
a repair job on the Friends of Bingo.
- What shall we do for the replay?
- Buy some fresh ones, I suppose.
Always some new expense.
Wasn't Mrs McLeavy insured?
Well, only while she was alive.
We thought it an unnecessary
extravagance to do so after her death.
Not necessarily.
Owing to the amazing advances
made by modern medical science
I've taken the precaution
of insuring myself
for five years after my death.
Why bother with flowers?
We'll get the same effect
with a holy image.
My photo of His Holiness
would enhance it.
Perfect.
Unfortunately
it's three Popes out of date.
Mum won't mind.
She wasn't a woman
who followed the fashions.
Well, go and get it.
Go and get it.
I must ask you to remain here.
No one leaves without my permission.
Why?
I'll ask the questions,
if you don't mind.
Surely she can go and fetch
the Pope's photo.
Only if some responsible person
accompanies her.
You're a responsible person.
You accompany her.
What proof have you
that I'm a responsible person?
If you weren't, you wouldn't be given
the power to behave as you do.
That... is perfectly correct.
In which case
I shall accompany you, miss.
Come with me.
Here, look at the law
turning your bleeding garden over.
At least it keeps them off the streets.
Go on back to work.
Right, let's get your mum.
Where is she?
Out there.
Out there?
Ow!
- Baby!
- Don't baby me. Come on.
A very good likeness, miss,
and of your late husbands too.
Very nice, very nice.
Now you must remain confined
to your quarters until further notice.
The water board has no power
to keep members of the public confined.
Not if they're law-abiding.
- I shall take legal advice.
- That's your privilege, miss.
- I have no power to prevent you.
- I'm going to telephone my solicitor.
I'm afraid I can't allow you
to do that, miss.
That would be contrary to regulations.
We have no case against you.
Now, I must kindly ask you
to remain where you are...
...until further notice.
- Lift it up.
- Left, right, left, right.
Pick 'em up. Left, left.
Left, right.
Out of the way there.
- What?
- Sorry to disturb you again, sir,
but I've reached a stage in my enquiries
when I must have a word with you.
If you'll give me your undivided attention
for just a few moments
I can promise you that we shall have
this whole case sorted out.
Hey!
You two, over there.
Her Ladyship's sunning herself
bare-arsed in front of my constables.
Will you advise her,
with my compliments,
to cover it up.
Right away, sir. I'll tell her.
I'm sorry about that, sir.
You must realise by now
that I am not from the water board.
I knew it. I knew it!
Well, any deception I practised, sir,
was never intended to deceive you.
You are a man of intelligence
if you saw through my disguise at once.
It was merely a ruse
to give me time to review the situation.
In fact, sir, you'll see before you
a man who is quite a...
a personage in his own way.
I am, er...
none other than...
Truscott of the Yard.
I never heard of you.
Never heard of Truscott?
The man who tracked down
the limbless girl killer?
Who'd want to kill a limbless girl?
She was the killer.
Well, how did she do it
if she was limbless?
I'm not prepared to answer that question
to anyone outside the profession.
We don't want a carbon-copy murder
on our hands, do we?
Now, sir, do you realise
why I'm here?
No. Your every action has been
a complete mystery to me.
Good, good, good.
Well, that's how it should be.
I now shall proceed to bring to light
two dastardly crimes,
beginning with the least important.
- Which is what?
- Murder.
- Murder?
- Yes.
Murder.
Your wife passed away
three days ago.
What did she die of?
The death certificate
is perfectly legible.
You're very easily satisfied.
Fortunately, I am not.
Tell me, did you talk with your wife
towards the end?
Yes, I did, that morning.
Well, didn't she say anything?
No last message
of a mysterious nature?
Yes, she did.
She spoke of a book.
Which book?
Well, she didn't say. Er...
- She spoke of a broken binding.
- Ah-ha.
Ah-ha.
Ah-ha.
I have it.
"The Trial of Phyllis McMahon."
A nurse accused
of murdering her patients.
One of my old cases.
Look at that.
- Oh, it's you.
- Yes. Most unflattering, isn't it?
Why do they always choose
the worst ones?
Is there a photograph
of the nurse in there?
Just a moment.
No, no, no. Apparently not.
Someone must have torn
every picture of her out of the book.
But we have something
more damning than that.
The handwriting of the accused.
And here I have the evidence
on which I propose to convict.
A recent specimen
of the handwriting of the nurse.
The nurse, your late wife's nurse.
Identical in every respect.
But this is signed "Queen Victoria".
An alias she often used
when dealing with elderly people.
Yeah, but if this is one of your cases,
how is it she didn't recognise you?
Two very simple reasons.
One, I conduct my cases
under an assumed name,
and two, I am the master of disguise.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
You've had a lucky escape, sir.
You could have been
the victim of a murder.
We've had our tabs on her for years.
Seven husbands, 13 fatal accidents,
two cases of suspected
fish poisoning.
She's practised her own form
of genocide for a decade
and called it nursing.
- The fiend!
- I think I am now in a position
to make an arrest.
Meadows? Meadows!
- Yes, sir?
- Tooty sweety.
Stand by the coffin.
Don't let nobody touch it.
Yes, sir.
We've reached the rose garden, sir.
Beautiful it is.
Good. Dig the bleeding lot up.
Not the rose garden!
Dig the bleeding lot up.
Now, sir.
Could you tell us, will the funeral
be taking place today or not?
Only we have our Meals on Wheels
to attend to.
All right, baby?
Nice.
I never killed anyone.
I'm an angel of mercy.
Don't lie.
You can't escape me, Phyllis.
I am innocent until proved guilty.
That's the law.
Huh! Who's been filling your head
with that rubbish?
I can't be had for anything.
You've no proof.
I shall say
you've given me a confession.
It could prejudice your case
if I have to forge one.
I shall deny that I've confessed.
Perjury is a very serious crime.
Have you no respect for the truth?
We have an old saying
in the force, Phyllis.
"Waste time on the truth
"and you'll pound the beat
till the day you retire."
The police used to be run
by men of integrity.
That is a mistake
which has since been rectified.
Oh, come along, Phyllis.
I can't stand here all day.
My name is Phyllis Jean McMahon,
alias Faye Jean McMahon.
I am 28 years of age
and a nurse by profession.
On 3 July last I advertised
in the trade papers for a position.
Mr McLeavy answered. He wished me
to nurse his wife back to health.
A task I found impossible.
Mrs McLeavy was dying.
Euthanasia was against my religion.
Instead I decided to murder her.
I administered poison
on the night of 22 September.
The next morning she died
and I notified the authorities.
I have had nothing but heartache since.
I am very sorry for my dreadful crime.
Very good, very good.
Your style is simple and direct.
It's a theme which,
less skilfully handled,
could have given offence.
How could you do it?
Rob me of my only support!
I offered you a replacement.
I never knew
such wickedness was possible.
You knew of my character
when you employed me.
My references were signed
by people of repute.
- You murdered most of them.
- That doesn't invalidate their signatures.
Pack your bags.
You won't be arrested from my house.
Come, sir. Come, sir.
Come, sir, please.
You and I have to make arrangements
to transport Mrs, um...
- Mrs, um...
- Mrs McLeavy.
...Mrs McLeavy
to the coroner's court.
Don't try to escape or commit suicide.
Either will get you nowhere.
My assistant will escort you
to the police station.
Meadows!
I imagine, sir, that the police surgeon
will probably like to have a peek
at your good lady's stomach.
Follow me, will you?
Is the poor woman
never to get any rest?
I heard everything.
I've never seen you in adversity before.
It's an unforgettable experience.
I love you.
I'll wait for you forever.
No, you'll tire of waiting
and marry someone else.
He won't, you know.
He'll be in prison himself.
When they go to examine Mum's body
they'll have us all
by the short and curlies.
We're ready when you are, miss.
Goodbye, Phyllis.
I count a mother well lost
to have met you.
Goodbye, darling.
I'll wait for years.
- Years?
- Years.
- Years.
- Years.
- Years.
- Years.
Years.
Years.
- Years.
- Years.
Oh, years.
Years, years.
Years, years.
- Oh, years.
- Years.
Years, years.
Years. Oh, years.
- Years.
- Years.
Oh...
Years.
Here! What...?
Well, sir, the sooner we get a spoonful
of your wife's... tummy on a slide,
the sooner McMahon faces
a murder rap.
Inspector, I'm afraid
I've got some bad news for you.
Oh? What's that?
Mrs McLeavy is minus her vital organs.
What? What?
- What, what, what, what?
- They were removed during embalming.
Baby!
What? What, all of them?
The lot. All you'll find inside her are
screwed-up copies of the Daily Mirror.
The Daily Mirror?
No slight was intended,
Mr McLeavy.
We just happen to use whatever
the lads are reading at the time.
Could have been
the Jewish Chronicle.
I'm afraid
you have no... evidence.
What an amazing...
What an amazing woman.
She's got away with it again.
- Meadows?
- Yes, sir? Over.
'Meadows, bring her back.
'Look sharp,
or she'll sue us for wrongful arrest.'
Understood, sir. Over and out.
I'm sorry, I'm rather confused.
Is she to get away with this?
Didn't she murder my wife?
Oh, no doubt of it, sir.
No doubt at all.
But I'm afraid that
without your wife's... stomach
we have no evidence
on which to convict.
But surely it isn't normal practice
to use newspaper for such purposes?
I was most reluctant to reveal
the secrets of the trade, Mr McLeavy.
The Daily Mirror!
She only read the Telegraph.
Is there no respect
for a person's political beliefs?
Well, McMahon, you've had
another twelfth-hour escape.
I'll tell you one thing,
you'll be blacklisted.
I'll see you never get
another nursing job again.
Oh, now, now, sir.
Don't let's be vindictive.
Show a little tolerance, please.
Phyllis, perhaps you'd be kind enough
to make us a cup of tea?
Well, Phyllis, there's still a chance
I may get you.
As an accessory
to a far more serious breach of the law
than the mere taking of a human life.
More serious than the taking of a life?
I should say so, sir.
The stealing of public money,
which is precisely what your son
and his accomplices have done.
During the course of my investigation
I came across this.
It's a marble.
No, sir, it's not a marble.
It looks to me like a...
a glass eye.
Well, I think it's a marble
which has been trodden on.
No, sir.
It's an eye.
The maker's name is clearly engraved.
"J&S Fraser."
Eye makers to the profession.
Where did this eye come from?
Answer me!
Where did it come from?
- From Mum's body.
- Hm!
Sacred heaven, no!
We're ready for a serious discussion
but not bad language.
You heard him confess.
My son has stolen the eyes
from his dead mother.
I've raised a ghoul
at my own expense.
The coffin must be opened.
Fetch a screwdriver.
I advise caution, sir.
That coffin's taking quite a pasting.
She may be in pieces.
This is unwarranted
interference with the dead.
Look, she was my wife.
I can do what I like with her.
Indeed not, sir.
Conjugal rights stop
with the last heartbeat.
Yes, well, I'm not surprised.
Serves him right
for tampering with dead bodies.
Equivalent to tomb-robbing.
Kindly replace the lid, lads, will you?
Dad?
- Huh?
- Dad?
Ah, my little darl...
Harold, why?
Why did you do it?
What have you done
with your poor mother?
What?
What?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, that this should happen to me,
a man that was kissed by the Pope.
I'll disown you.
You're no son of mine.
I'll put it about
that I was cuckolded.
Hey, Dad, I'm in a bit of a spot.
I'll confess to Father O'Shaughnessy.
Now, you'd like that, eh?
- You young pup!
- Oh!
Dad, look, don't get stroppy.
I'm sorry I ever begat you.
I'd have withheld
at the moment of conception if I'd known.
Where did I go wrong?
I lavished you with everything.
It's that Dennis. It's his fault.
He's led you astray.
Ah, you're a good boy.
You wouldn't do a thing like this,
not my son.
Where are your tears?
She was your mother.
She's dust, Dad, dust, that's all.
Wicked, wicked boy.
These hairs, the grey.
I'd be a brunette today
if you'd been an accountant.
Wicked, evil boy.
Come, sir. Come, sir. Come, sir.
Fathers discover
greater iniquities in their sons
than the theft of an eye.
How are you feeling, sir?
I wish to prefer charges.
Who do you wish to charge?
I wish to charge my son...
my son...
I wish to charge myself.
Would you mind leaving us
for a moment, sir?
Why, yes, sir.
I must warn you, sir, that
anything you say may be taken down,
twisted, altered and used
in evidence against you.
Now, what crime have you committed?
I have given misleading information
to the police.
What misleading information?
Well, I'm not prepared to tell you.
Then how do we know your admission
of giving misleading information
isn't in itself misleading?
You'll have to take my word for it.
I'm not prepared to do that.
You must be more specific.
Very well. I'm responsible
for the bank robbery.
I'm the real culprit.
Arrest me and close the case.
Nonsense.
You're just shielding your son.
No, he's not responsible.
As God's my witness,
the guilt is mine.
I must atone for my sins.
I ask to be sent to jail.
Your behaviour is quite scandalous.
With a father like you, no wonder
your son took to robbing banks.
- What's up?
- Money in the coffin, right?
- Right.
- Coffin in the van and away, right?
Wrong. My dad's confessed
to the bank job.
Your dad? Why should your dad
confess to the bank job?
He blames himself for my upbringing
and wants to be punished.
I think that's very reasonable.
I think I'll go to confession tonight,
purge my soul of today's events.
It's times like this
I regret not being a Catholic.
Meadows, we're pulling out.
Oh.
Forgive the intrusion.
I'm off now.
My men will be coming inside shortly.
They're capable of causing damage
without my supervision
so I'll take my leave of you.
Aren't you going to arrest my dad, then?
We only arrest the innocent
as a last resort.
We all know
who the guilty parties are.
It's just a question
of my finding the money.
Yes, well, ta-da, Inspector.
Ta-da, lad.
- Cheerio, Inspector.
- Bye-bye.
Goodbye. It's been nice
seeing you again.
Goodbye, Phyllis.
Yes, well, you should have known
you stood no chance
against modern methods of detection.
I want a full statement
from the two of you.
It's no good, Inspector.
You're too clever for us.
Thank you, lad. Thank you.
Hey!
Stop!
Loot's the root
Loot's the root
Now you got the money,
well, you know it's gonna be all right
Now it's gonna be fine
every day and every single night
Loot, loot
Everyone needs it
Loot, loot
You better believe it
Loot's the root
Loot's the root
Loot
Trying to get the money
out the country?
Damn silly thing to do.
Might easily have got
into the wrong hands.
My God, you're in trouble now, lad.
Perhaps I might ask you
to accompany me to the station.
Come along, lad.
And you, Phyllis.
You know what usually
happens in a case like this?
The criminals, in a last
desperate attempt to elude justice,
try to bribe the arresting officer.
Oh, really?
Well, it has happened.
Every man has his price, they say.
- What's yours?
- I thought you'd never ask.
You're fucking nicked,
my old beauty.
We've found the money
so I've decided to arrest you.
Ah, God bless you, Inspector.
You're one of nature's gentlemen.
I want to thank you, sir.
You're a kind man.
I knew the British police force
wouldn't let a father suffer unnecessarily.
- You'll get 20 years for this.
- Oh, God bless you, sir.
Inspector Truscott, what if
McLeavy confesses to his priest?
- We could be exposed.
- I've been exposed before.
- What happened?
- I arrested him, a furrier from Dundee.
- He's doing 12 years.
- What will you charge McLeavy with?
Oh, anything will do
so long as the public's confidence
in the police force is not undermined.
Mr McLeavy will do
a grave disservice to the community
if he reveals
the full facts of this case.
I am left, therefore, with no alternative
but to arrest him for the public good.
- Dad?
- Oh, goodbye, son.
Cheerio. I'm sure
it's the best solution for us all.
It's only right that I pay
for what I've done to you.
Oh, I agree, Dad.
- Bless you.
- Oh, God bless you.
McLeavy, I'm leaving tonight.
This is quite the worst hotel ever.
I phoned the AA and complained.
Kindly have my bill made up at once.
Yes, sir. I will, sir.
God bless you, sir.
- Pleasant holiday.
- What will you do with your share?
I shall put it in my locker
at the station, lad.
We have an old maxim in the force.
"Never search your own back yard.
You may find what you're looking for."
What a nice man.
When we are married,
you'll have to move out.
- Why?
- People would talk.
We must keep up appearances.
Er, I'm afraid that's true, Hal.
Give us a kiss.
More
More
More, more, more
And I can tell you why
There is nothing I am sure
Money cannot buy
Money cannot buy
Money cannot buy
Loot