Lost in London (2017) Movie Script

How'd it go?
Oh, I think the people who
enjoyed it the most...
were the ones who caught up
on their sleep.
Er, Laura and the kids have
started eating.
Where'd they go?
Er... er, La Petit Vrit.
Oh. Man, Jesus.
You're not in the mood
for French food?
No, it's not that, it's just...
Are you are you okay?
No, I I you know,
it's just...
I mean, I don't get the idea
of drama.
I mean, it doesn't make
people happy, right?
Er, and and you know,
like people
I know there's some people who
who, er, feel stuck in comedy...
and they wanna prove themselves
a serious actor.
I don't.
I mean, I love doing comedy.
I love making people laugh.
I I don't feel like I need
to win an award...
for long day's journey into
boredom, you know?
And yet here I am, doing another
You know, like a guy who
who's, er, you know...
addicted to a drug that doesn't
even get him high, you know?
Like a cigarette smoker
who doesn't even...
like cigarettes, you know?
And yet, here he goes, having
another cigarette...
and another cigarette and
another cigarette...
and another cigarette.
I get the idea, Woody.
Have you ever had that...
where you were addicted to
something you didn't even like?
Yeah, my girlfriend.
Oh, no kidding?
Yeah, she just says the most
awful things like...
I brought her to dinner to meet
my parents, right...
and before we started eating my
mum says, "Let's pray".
She goes, "I'm an atheist".
Like she couldn't just
go along with it.
Wow, brutally honest.
Yeah, definitely brutal.
So we bow our heads, close our
eyes, and she just sat there...
staring at us like we're morons.
Well, how how'd you know that?
[WOODY] I mean, if your eyes
are closed...
how'd you know what
she was doing?
Oh, I peeped.
So anyway, we get through the
prayer, we start eating.
It's dead quiet in the room,
uncomfortable quiet.
And then she goes,
"This chicken's overcooked".
I'd rather her choke on that
chicken, than say that.
My god, that could not have gone
over good with the parentals.
No... well, my dad loves her.
He says she's been overcooking
the chicken for 25 years...
and someone's finally called
her out on it.
My mum asks me every day if I've
managed to get rid of her yet.
Well, I'm sorry about that,
dude, you know...
but I feel I feel lucky,
you know?
It's like, er, Laura is so cool,
you know?
I mean, II think that's true,
that statement...
happy wife, happy life.
Um, yeah.
[WOODY] Huh?
[WOODY] What was that?
What was what?
What you just said.
What'd I just say?
Dude, is everything cool?
Um, yeah.
Okay, now that's twice.
Yeah, I said "yeah" twice.
Is there something you're not
telling me?
Are you sure?
Um, yeah.
Hi, Woody.
Heavy play.
Oh, tell me.
I miss 'Cheers'.
Me, too.
You were so young and innocent
back then.
Yeah, be a give a lot to be
either one of those things now.
You're all right, Woody. Would
you sign that for me, please?
Don't sign for paparazzi, Dave.
Apparently, you do pose
for them, though, mate.
Oh, yeah, lovely, lovely, mate.
Lovely, thank you.
Woody. Woody. Woody.
Oh my god, I knew something
was going on, dude.
When when did you see this?
Just this morning.
And you kept it from me all day?
I didn't know you didn't know.
Dude, of course you knew
I didn't know.
What would it have helped to say
something earlier?
Because knowledge is power,
all right?
For one thing, I never would've
had Laura meet me out, okay?
The second she walks out
that door...
the chances of her seeing
it double, quadruple.
Sept... sept
I'm sorry, Woody.
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
Just relax, just relax,
don't get worked up.
Remember your chi,
you taught me that.
It's fine, this is nothing new.
Losing my wife is new, dude.
Yeah. No, no, you're fine,
maybe she hasn't even seen it.
Oh, that's true, I mean,
maybe she hasn't seen it.
Yeah, you'd be able to tell,
as soon as you see her...
if she's seen it or not.
If she hasn't, get her home.
Right, get her home immediately.
And there's a good chance
she never will see it.
Right, right. Yeah, yeah,
that's true.
Stay positive, life's good.
Right, right, positive,
yeah, life is good.
Life's great.
Right, right, life is great.
It's a good day.
It's a great day, man.
Yeah, you got it, Woods.
Alex, you are such a good buddy,
Hey, will you come in there
with me?
God, no, no, if she has
seen it...
I don't wanna be anywhere
near you, mate.
Good luck, though, yeah.
Good evening, sir.
Thank you.
Hi, hon.
Hi, love.
How you doing?
I'm good.
Everything's groovy?
Why are you acting so strange?
I'm not, I'm not acting str
Because it's coming and I
It's cold out there
and my lips
It's coming off as strange,
but I'm just strangely happy.
Er, did you eat?
Yeah, we ate.
Let's get the check.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's
the rush?
Sit down. Look, I got this
for you. You're not hungry?
Well, let's doggy bag it,
you know
No, sit down, tell me how
the show was tonight, come on.
It was it was good. It was
just, er
You know, I, I wanna get
you home and, you know...
er, maybe get you, and run you
a hot bath.
And and maybe give you
a massage...
and then get you drunk and
take advantage of you.
Wow, what has gotten into you?
Nothing, I just I feel so
lucky to be your husband.
You are lucky.
So am I.
And maybe, if you're
really, really lucky...
I might just let you
take advantage of me.
Um, so where's the rascals?
And you know what?
There's still plenty of wine
left in this bottle.
You want me to pour you
a glass?
Let's just cork it, drink
it in the tub.
Where's the munchkins?
They're around here somewhere.
Here you are, sir.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
Can we get the wine and the
food to go, please?
Oh, certainly, sir, no problem.
Okay, great.
I'm just kidding.
No, what's the best tip
you ever got?
To buy Apple.
That's funny, you're funny.
Yeah, people have accused
me of that.
Er, so can I get some
candles, maybe?
Whoa, whoa, what has
gotten into you tonight?
Well, you know, for the
tub, you know.
Er, 'Be Prepared', Boy
Scout motto.
Wait, you were a Boy Scout?
Er, Cub, but highly decorated.
Oh, I wish I could have
known you then.
Honey, that's almost weird,
you'd be way too old for me.
I bet you were a hot,
little Cub Scout.
Honey... I think she's having
a Chinese reaction to the wine.
The biggest tip I've
ever gotten, 500 pounds.
Holy moly.
Is this 'Natural Born Killer'...
making you an 'Indecent
Hey, you can tell me, 'White
Men Can't Jump'.
Oh, that's, that's good.
Oh, oh, right, right.
Hey, yeah... that's sizeable.
Okay, here you go.
That's a little you know what?
I'm not gonna be able to meet
that, er, huge, er, number...
that whoever that guy,
Here, this is okay, that's
for you.
Very kind, sir.
Ah, to whom much is
given, much is required.
Hello, Laura.
Woody, how are you?
Oh, yeah, hey, hey, uh, good,
good. How are you doing?
Excellent, yeah. D'you
remember my name?
Oh, your name, er, let's
see. Don't tell me.
Moo, Moo, Momah, Mohammed...
no, Mu, Musta...
It starts with an 'M', right?
Alan, right, sorry, yeah.
Just another handsome Arab
to you, aren't I?
Right, you really are a
handsome Arab.
I'm Iranian.
Oh, it's a pretty language, huh?
Would you like to meet
the prince?
Oh, yeah, I never met a prince
before, other than Prince.
You wanna meet a prince?
Woody, this is Prince Abu Ali
Adullah Bin Saltan Al Rahmanil.
Oh, hey, nice to...
Oh my god!
Hey, careful, there's
gravity there.
[WOODY] Good one.
You okay, Papa?
[WOODY] Er, yeah.
Oh, no, you tied
other people's shoes?
We tied everybody's.
What should we do, Papa?
Oh, er, well, if I raised you
right, you'll go over there...
and apologize to 'em.
What do we do now?
[WOODY] Run!
That barman needs to cut
these people off.
Nice to meet you.
It's a real pleasure to
meet you.
You know, you have given
me many, many, many...
many, many, many, many,
many, many...
many hours of entertainment.
So many "manys". This is my
wife, Laura.
Wow, you are a real beauty.
Oh, thank you.
You're sweet.
No, no, no, no, no, you're
sweet, like sticky honey.
Er... thank you.
Well, I'm just gonna, er, run to
the little girls' room, Romeo.
Oh, we got we got
a bathroom...
back at the back at the
hotel, Juliet.
I'll be right back.
Okay, I'll meet you back
here in a trice.
And, I don't even know what
that word means.
There's more where that
came from.
Wow, you are really
feeling randy tonight, huh?
"Randy", that's a good
word, too, right?
You scallywag.
Oh, um, you rapscallion.
You scamp. Miscreant.
So, er, how do you know
the prince?
Er, he adopted me.
I was a bastard child and
he raised me like a baby fawn.
He is a fawn in my side.
Fawn in my side.
You'd tell me if I smelled
like BO, would you?
Oh my god, babe, of course.
My god, I thought it was me...
and then I hugged that guy
In the green velvet jacket?
Yeah, he stinks.
His laugh annoys me as
well, I've gotta be honest.
I'm learning to love myself
Yeah I'm learning
to love myself
I'm learn
No, keep going.
My God.
Keep going.
I'm I'm so embarrassed.
Yeah... oh, no.
Okay, I'm gonna ask you
honestly and just the once...
but d'you feel like my
neck has grown?
Look at me, like out, like
the circumference of it?
Well, that's a 'yes', 'cause
I can see it in your face. What?
Babe, babe, do you know what
you should do?
Do this, but with your neck.
Really? How often?
Just like every morning when
you wake up.
I mean, the fat might displace
to another part of your body...
but I'm sure you'll be fine.
I used to hate my nose,
now it's my neck.
Your nose is fine.
Come in sooner with that.
Babe, your nose is fine,
you're being ridiculous.
Okay. So which one do
you want?
I don't know. I think Sayed
is really sexy.
I'm so glad you said
that because, honestly...
the prince is mine tonight.
If I get rid of this neck
I'm gonna sit on that
throne. Am I right?
The prince?
Too much?
He's like four times your age.
And that's your judgement face.
Babe, I'm your friend,
I don't judge you.
Yeah, exactly, okay, so
the prince is mine tonight...
and you can have Seaweed.
Am I saying that wrong?
Babe, his name is Sayed,
it's not that hard to say.
Wait, did you see this?
No, no, no, no.
No, look, and the funniest thing
about this is that...
he's actually upstairs right
now with his wife.
You know, the Asian one?
That's his wife?
And they're okay with this?
Well, she didn't seem upset...
and they actually seemed
quite happy.
Although, Asians are the
masters of hiding emotion.
So true.
Oh, she's so fit, so much fitter
than any of these.
God, so much surgery in
one photograph.
Do I need surgery here?
Babe, just slap it, you'll
be fine.
D'you know what I think?
This is options though, for
you, for tonight.
Come on, they're obviously not
happily married.
If you don't wanna go
for Seaweed, I'd go for him.
I think he's an actor.
I don't do 'married'.
He likes Asians anyway.
Babe, none of these women are
Well, not with those boobs, no.
Okay, you good?
Yeah. I'm just checking
I have it. Yeah.
You good?
Fine, let's go.
Oh, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, check me.
Am I okay?
Okay and me?
Yeah, you're fine.
Are you sure? No Seaweed?
Not yet there isn't.
Can you just check the
bogies for me?
Okay, you're good. Me?
Am I clear?
Clear skies, yeah.
Are you sure?
Wait, is he an actor...
or am I just completely
getting that wrong?
Oh my god, yeah, babe,
he's been in so many films.
I feel like it's TV. Yes.
Oh my god, what's it called?
It's so famous, and it made him.
'Full House'.
D'you know what?
I never saw that.
Woody, I wonder if I can
interest you in, um...
going out with us
for a few drinks?
Uh, no, any other night but,
you know, it's
It's actually 'date' night
for me and the wifeypoo.
You know, we're like newlyweds.
I mean, she's so...
...ravenous for me.
Yeah, I mean, she's like
a jaguar on the hunt.
I can picture her now,
tearing at your flesh.
Whoa, whoa, a jaguar.
Were you just hoping I
wouldn't see this?
I am so sorry, honey.
Three women? How, how does
that even happen?
Well, I mean, they they came
up to me outside of this bar...
and they er, they asked me...
if I wanted to take a walk
on the wild side.
A walk on the wild side?
Honey, I'm so sorry. I
was really, really drunk.
An apology followed by an
excuse is bullshit.
I'm not excusing, I'm
giving context, you know.
Well, you know, maybe I'll get
really, really drunk tonight...
and find myself three
hot, young Englishmen.
Honey, the children might
hear you.
Fuck the children!
Excuse me.
No, excuse me.
Are you okay?
The, um...
the, er, prince is, is leaving.
Woody... I do hope
everything's okay.
Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
Asian women, they are beautiful,
but they are problem.
No, I think I might be
the problem on this here.
No, no, no, no, no.
I can't find the kids.
They're, they're fine, trust me.
Trust you?
Laura, I wonder...
can I steal your husband away
for one drink?
Oh, you wouldn't be stealing.
Take him. Keep him.
No, no, I'm I'm coming
with you, honey.
No, you should go with the
No, no, no, I'm coming with you.
I don't want you.
Excuse us one second.
Take two.
Honey, you have every right
to be angry.
I'm not angry. I am so
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I was just... I, I mean,
I was terrified of losing you.
I don't know if just
being with me...
is ever gonna be enough
for you.
Honey, I promise you, this
will never happen again.
I don't wanna compel you to do
that you don't want to do.
Why am I not enough for you?
Oh, honey, you are,
you are, honey.
No, no, do not touch me.
Stop apologizing. ry. I
Okay, okay.
Maybe... maybe we need some
time apart.
No, no, honey.
I'm gonna get the kids...
...and I am gonna go.
No, we don't. No, honey.
Yes. Yes, we do. I am going.
Honey. Honey, no, no, no.
Woody! Get up.
Please, honey.
Honey, don't leave me.
Get up.
Please don't leave me. Please
don't leave me, honey.
Just listen to me. I can't be
near you right now.
I can't. I need some time
to think about this.
Okay, but I wanna come with
you and we can think together.
It's not about what you want.
Is it?
Okay, okay, okay, look, I'll
go have one drink...
with the prince and then I'll
meet you back at the hotel.
One drink? Well, that will
be a first.
No, no, that's, that's a
hundred per cent guaranz.
I'll just, let's see, it's
10:45 now.
I'll have one drink and I'll
meet you, er, at midnight.
Okay? Midnight.
Just get there when you
get there.
Midnight pumpkin,
midnight pumpkin.
Oh, just a mnemonic device.
I just, I'm, I'm glad we're
gonna talk.
Just call the kids.
Can you spot me a couple of LBs?
Why do you need money?
You're going out with
the prince.
Oh, hey, kids.
Alright, I want you to
look after your mom.
Can you do that?
And I'll see you later.
I thought you were coming
home with us.
Let's watch a movie.
Well, no, remember you guys
gotta get some rest tonight...
because you're gonna meet
Harry Potter in the morning.
Come home with us, Daddy.
I can't.
You won't!
I will, I'm just having
one drink.
You always say that.
I don't always say that.
Then why can't you have
a drink with us?
With you lightweights?
I mean, they're not gonna let
you in to a pub.
They give hot toddies
to toddlers here.
We can drink orange juice.
Come on, Daddy, come on.
Okay, okay...
Hey, honey, I... please,
please let me come home.
You know what? Here.
Don't spend it all on one whore.
Honey, Deni? You have
Here, Daddy, take this magic
Oh, is that a magic feather?
It came from a magic owl.
Oh, really?
With this feather you can
talk directly to God...
and He'll grant you one wish.
Oh, can He make your mom love
me again?
You can't make everyone happy,
You aren't a box of puppies.
Huh, yeah, okay.
Well, thanks for the
feather, kid.
Don't stress or you'll lose
your kid juice, Daddy.
That is good advice.
Very good advice.
I love you.
One wish, Daddy.
Woody, are you ready?
I love you, honey.
Okay. Come.
Let's go.
Hey, hippie, gypsy mobile,
Scooby Doostyle.
Er, I didn't think it was
your best move...
to pop into a limo full of
scantily clad ladies right now.
Is everything okay, Mommy?
Tight squeeze or what.
I'm Sayed.
Oh, hey, Woody.
Love Annie Hall.
You you all right?
Er, I'm a little glum.
Glum? Why are you glum?
Er, just me and the wifey
have, we're just...
we're in a little rut,
you know.
You been with her a while?
Yeah, since '87.
She's the best thing that
ever happened to me.
You know, I think being born...
was the best thing to
ever happen to you.
No, honestly, I wouldn't have
wanted to have been born...
if I hadn't met her.
I mean, she's made my
life great.
This is this is over
the magazine?
Yeah. I wonder if anybody
didn't see this?
No, everyone saw it.
Yeah, it's on every newsstand.
And even the people that
don't buy it, you know...
they see the picture,
the headline.
It's a good picture,
it's proper, sexy.
Oh, thanks.
Not you, the birds.
Why do you buy that filth?
'Cause you're on the bloody
front cover.
You're never on the front
cover of anything.
You think I wouldn't drop
40 pence for you?
Let's go on, boys.
What are you doing?
It's a hippie gypsy party.
Did you really shag
three birds at once?
Bruv, that is more fun than
I ever had.
Well of course, you just
got your own two paws...
to maul at your man clam.
Oh, shut up. Shut up.
He's got six helping hands.
Alright, we'll see tonight then.
Yeah, that's it...
Hey, hey, shut up.
Hey! Shut up!
Can't you see what the man
is going through?
[BOTH] Sorry.
[WOODY] You have very expressive
Bodyguards? If a bullet were
to come...
they would shove me in
front, you know.
They're his sons, you daft
Hey, hey, hey.
Woody, I'm sorry for what
you're going through.
Yeah, man, this has rocked me
to my core, I gotta say.
You know, I used to be
very religious and...
I don't know, I guess I got
kind of sidetracked.
But, you know, I, I feel like...
I need to get more
spiritual, you know.
Like more meditation and yoga.
And all, all signs are
pointing the same direction.
So listen to more Marvin
Gaye, then.
Ah, I see what you did there.
You've gotta laugh to keep
yourself from crying sometimes.
Smile though your heart
is breaking.
Yeah, force a smile, pop a
pill, eat a pizza.
Anything but feel it, right?
You need a drink?
Big time.
Well, I got just the thing
for you, baby girl.
I know exactly what
you're going through.
Their mother gives me no
end of torment.
Always moody.
I want to blow my brains
over her shoe closet.
Yeah, all right, Pops, wouldn't
that make her moodier?
She loves her shoes.
Fortunately, my other
wives are more cheerful.
More, er, youthful.
Yeah, d'you want one?
Sort you out nicely.
We got a spare one, actually.
It's, er, Miss Skegness 1995.
Hold on, boobs or bum? Bruv.
D'you like boobs or bum?
He's got one from
Uzbekistan. Pakistan.
Kazak... all the 'stans'.
Variety is the, the, the
spice of life.
Equal opportunities.
Equal opportunity, yes.
I like it.
Ooh, ooh, you have reached
your destination.
Please mind the gap.
Okay, boys, behave yourselves.
Always, Pops.
I hope I fall into a bowl
of pussy soup tonight, boy.
Give me a second, eh.
Let me, er, go wave my magic
So where is your wife?
Oh, she's, er, she's probably
heading back to the hotel.
Oh, she'll be fine.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I'm gonna meet
up with her later.
Yeah, that's later.
For now, you come with us
and have a few drinks, okay?
Well I told her I'd have
one drink.
One drink, that's all
I'm having.
So we have a drink,
dance, laugh.
Later, you go home, everything
will be okay.
You think so?
I know so.
I like your confidence.
What did you do wrong, eh?
Are you a man?
Well, yeah, I mean, yeah.
Every man deserves at
least three wives.
Well, okay, I mean, I'll talk
to the missus, but
Yeah, that's all good and all
that but what are we gonna do...
about this God awful line?
I wouldn't worry about that.
Oh, yeah, why is that?
TVQ, what's that?
Television quotient.
You know, it's just a read
of how popular you are...
in a given culture and
luckily my, my, er, TVQ...
is pretty strong
in the Mother Country.
Yeah. Right.
[DOORMAN] Green light. Let's go.
Oh, yeah. See?
And it's, Hollywood is almost
like royalty without borders.
I, I hope that doesn't
sound arrogant.
Don't sound humble.
Hey, by the way, I was wanting
to ask you, what country
Prince Abu Ali Adullah
Bin Saltan Al Rahmani.
That's very impressive, though.
[WOODY] Wait, just tell 'em
I'm with you.
Use your TVQ.
Spare change?
Er, no. I don't have it.
Dude, dude, er...
I'm with him.
With who?
With with him, the prince.
Which prince?
The one the one who just
went in. How many you got?
Yeah, the one who just went
in, okay?
Well, you need to get back
down that road there.
Yeah, get to the back, yeah?
Dude, I just came with him...
in that van, right there.
The prince, the prince came
in that, in that van there?
What is the prince's name?
Er... Moham... Mustaf...
Moosh... er, His, His Highness.
You're not getting in here.
Can I speak plainly?
Why are you whispering?
Er, I I'm an actor.
I thought actors were handsome.
I was.
What have I seen you in?
Um, 'White Men Can't Jump'.
What, from the '70s?
Er, 'Indecent Proposal'?
Yeah. You saw it?
No, but my grandmother loved it.
Oh, well, tell her 'hi' from me.
She's long dead.
Not unlike your career.
Anything else in this century?
Um, okay, I'm in a play
on the West End.
You you like drama?
What, pay to be depressed?
Come on, mate, get to the
back of the line.
Oh, just go to The Edge,
alright? Go away from here.
Okay. Er...
Making your way in the
world today
Takes everything you've got
What is wrong with you?
Taking a break from all
your worries
Sure would help a lot
Oi, Sinatra.
Isn't it nice to get away
Sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
stop making noise there.
Just go to the back of the line
now, you daft twat. Rubbish.
That's what happens when
they're off the telly, isn't it?
Yeah, no sense.
Sad, knob jockey.
Woody Allen?
Hi, I'm Zrinka.
Oh, hi, nice to meet you.
Hi, hi.
You don't look like
you're having a good time.
Yeah, well my friends just
went in without me.
Well, some friends are not
very nice.
Do you have the time?
Um, I think it's almost 11:00.
I mean I don't even wanna go in.
I just, I gotta kill an hour.
Whoa, kill an hour?
Can we kill time?
Why are you holding your
breath, Woody?
Oh, yeah, I God, I do that.
I do that when I get stressed.
I just
Well, don't.
Yeah, right.
Just just breathe.
All doors will open.
Yeah. Good.
Woody! Woody, my friend.
Come, come, come, your prince
is looking for you.
Yes, yes, come. Now fine boy,
Okay, the prince wants me, okay.
Yes, yes, the prince that
came in that crappy
Look at the car you came inside
now, eh? Ah, funky, funky.
All right, come on, come on.
No, no, just, just you.
Just you, just you.
Oh, oh, okay, well, er, tell
the prince that I just will...
er, wait out here until
my friend's admitted.
Well, you just met her now.
Yeah, but I find that friends
are easily identifiable...
as are enemies.
See, okay, see I'm not, I don't
want to hassle anybody, eh?
Okay, okay, okay, come, come,
eh, come inside, come inside.
Yeah? Okay.
We're friends now?
Yes, now of course we are
friends. This my number, eh.
Oh, okay.
Any time you want to come...
I'll put you on the list.
Just call me. VVIP,
very, very important person.
Also, er, if you want to come
to my mother's house...
she makes the best
authentic Nigerian lamb stew.
Sweet meat.
Okay, well, I'm a vegetarian.
Why, man? Why?
Wait. My card is there so just,
it's there.
Okay. I got it, so, thank you,
no, no, I got your I got
I'm gonna call you and
then you'll have my digis.
[DOORMAN] Yes, WoodyWoody.
Thanks, guys.
Yeah, yeah.
[DOORMAN] Five boy.
Oh, that's, that's great.
Okay. Butthole.
Whoa... is this your best self?
I'm not sure I own a best self.
Well you need to love
before you can be your best
Well, that's exactly why I
drink. Can I get you something?
No, no, no, I'll get
you something.
Well, no, no, it's on me,
I insist.
Okay. Thank you.
Do you wanna know what I want?
I know what you need.
Hey, TVQ, you made it!
Oh, hey.
I'm just messing with you,
you know that, mate.
Yeah, thanks for your help
on that.
It's all good.
You want a shot of Patrn?
Come on, let's get off our tits
and dance like Tina Turner.
Right, look at me. Look at me.
I love you, baby girl,
and you love me.
And never would I steer
you wrong.
I love you all to the maximus.
Oh, bring it in, come on,
yes, that's it.
Got a lot of love.
Guys, shots all round, yeah?
Hey, Woody, are you okay?
Er, it's just the wifey and
I are having a little issue.
Yeah, I read the news today.
Oh, boy.
I guess these things just
happen, though.
Oh, thanks, babe.
You know, weirdly, a
similar thing happened...
to me and my boyfriend.
Oh, really? Well, what'd you do?
Well, I left him. Shot?
Thank you.
Right, here's to friends...
through thick and thin, Peter
out or Peter in.
Eh, eh, eh, eh, and here
is to Woody, a real man.
A real man!
I don't like it!
Where you going?
Go to the side, mate.
That's it, reel 'em in,
reel 'em in.
Dude, what are you doing
here, man?
I just came in for a
meeting, but dude...
Ah, just who I needed to
see right now.
What happened?
Oh, you see it?
Yeah, I don't understand
how it came out.
Oh, I don't know.
I mean these things do come
I know, but didn't you talk to
Marty? Everybody talks to Marty.
Yeah, I did, I I talked
to Marty, of course.
Yeah, and he wanted 30K.
I mean, that's highway
robbery, dude.
Wait a second, Woody,
you didn't pay?
No, I, I, I tried to negotiate.
No, you can't negotiate
with Marty.
Well he, he's a lawyer,
lawyers do negotiate.
No, no, you, you wanna know who
tried to negotiate?
Peewee and Tiger...
you wanna know who didn't?
Clooney, with Lady Gaga and the
midgets, the little people.
I never heard about that.
Because they didn't negotiate.
I mean, d'you ever hear
about Daniel Day Lewis?
And you never will,
because he paid.
Come on, how can you think you
can get away without paying?
I mean, you know from
McConaughey, if something...
terrible's coming out.
You know from your buddy
if something terrible's
gonna come out
No, dude, wait, wait, I don't
know about McConaughey. What?
You don't know about that?
No, no, what happened?
I don't wanna be the one
to tell you.
Oh, dude, just, just tell me.
They got a picture.
Oh, no.
Dude, he, he's got the
best torso in the business.
El Gordo. Buddha.
That's why he paid, so
you never saw it.
I'm amazed.
Come on, let's get a drink.
Dude, why didn't I pay, man?
Can we get a drink here?
Does Laura know?
Er, yeah, yeah.
You know, we're gonna talk,
er, tonight.
Oh... what are you gonna say?
I don't know.
Yeah, what am I gonna say?
To people.
I mean, it's well known I'm
your best friend.
This doesn't look good for
me either.
And I guarantee my mom's
gonna grill me about this.
I'm gonna be like "I don't
know what Woody's problem is".
It's like, I mean obviously it's
not about me right now, but...
What was Laura's reaction
when you told her?
How did
I I...
You let it blindside her?
Dude, you know what? I I hate
Murdoch, man, I hate tabloids.
He's a cancer.
Hey, wait a second.
No, no, Woody, it's not
Murdoch. Come on, it's you.
I think we gotta start with
accepting some responsibility.
Yeah, I... I mean I was weak,
I guess, you know, and...
Yeah, and a little bit
of a coward.
Coward for not telling her.
Look, I don't wanna judge
you for what you did.
Clearly it was wrong,
but the thing is...
But that feels like a
judgement, O.
No, no, no, that's a fact.
And right now we gotta face
Fact: you cheated on Laura
with a bunch of hookers.
They weren't hookers.
Fact: you let it blindside her.
Well, yeah.
Fact: you gotta brace yourself
for maybe a big element...
of the public that's just gonna
think you're a scumbag.
Obviously not me, I'm your
I'm gonna support you, but
Thanks, buddy.
How do you support a scumbag?
That's our challenge.
Owen Wilson.
Hi, I knew it was you, dude.
I love you.
I must have seen 'You, Me and
Dupree and Zoolander'...
like 50 times, like everything
you do, you are the man.
I gotta admit, my ears do prick
up with a little praise...
but I got a man
overboard right now.
So let me just shake your
hand and ask you to step off.
Thank you, 'cause we're in
crisis mode.
Yeah, sure.
Thank you.
Okay, where were we?
I'm a scumbag?
Yeah, and what are we gonna
do about it?
Because we gotta do something...
because I can't imagine
you without Laura.
I can imag and I'm not saying
this to be mean...
I can imagine Laura
without you...
but you without Laura
does not work.
Well, that's true, man,
I mean
Right? I mean it's like,
it's just really sad.
Yeah, I mean it's like a, like
a mangy dog...
that no one wants to pat or...
'Cause it smells bad and
you're just like...
"Get this dog out of here".
Yeah, it's like blind in
one eye...
wandering down the road at
night. It's just...
And you know he's never
gonna make it to daybreak...
'cause he's gonna get run over
by a cab or something.
Dude, dude, I can't
I can't lose her, man.
And, hey...
I cannot lose her.
Whoa, whoa, you're not, hey,
we can figure this out.
Look at me.
Yes, okay? Where there's a will
there's a way, all right?
But we gotta change your
because I feel like I'm talking
to a dead man.
It's like you got ghost eyes
right now. Come on, hydrate.
Dude, I feel...
Drink this.
Okay, okay, what is it?
Just down it.
It's a Cosmopolitan,
it's a man's drink, come on.
You gotta get like, loosen up
a little bit.
Okay, come on, roll the
shoulders. Let's start moving.
How do you
Get the blood flowing.
Okay, yeah.
Okay, it feels better to
start moving, right?
You're right, yeah,
I haven't been exercising.
Okay, let's figure this out.
Come on, throw some punches.
Change your energy a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, now I've known you and
Laura for a long time, right?
Okay, now the one beautiful
thing that I've always seen...
between the two of you is...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
No fighting.
No, no, no, we're not fighting,
We're actually saving a
man's life right here.
Yeah, it's cool, it's cool.
It's okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what, what is it
I say to Laura?
It's not what you say, I think
it's what you do, but...
get your energy up, come on.
Okay, okay, I'm like...
Come on, it's like a zombie.
Loosen up, do your Elvis.
You're good at your Elvis.
Give me a smile.
Let me see a little twinkle.
Give me a smile.
Come on, a real one...
both rows of teeth.
There you go, keep punching,
keep punching.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, you ready?
Yeah, I'm ready, man.
Okay, I'm gonna sprinkle you
with some gold dust.
Oh, that's what I want.
I'm gonna lay it on you.
Come on, buddy, what do I do?
Oh, dude, pray? Dude, are you
kidding me?
Jesus, I mean, that's
just begging in disguise.
What, have you been tap
dancing this whole time?
No, no, no that,
that's step one.
You didn't let me get
to step two.
Obviously, prayer without
action is meaningless. Okay?
Now's the action part.
Sometimes we gotta admit we need
something, we gotta be able...
to lean on something
stronger than us, right?
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So maybe you're not the best
person to carry this message...
of contrition to Laura.
Okay, right, right.
Okay, so...
You see where I'm going?
Where are you from?
Er, Texas.
Where am I from?
And who's the Texas Dalai Lama.
[GIRL] Eli Cash?
Come on, you know this.
Yeah, hi.
This is Owen.
No, no, she's talking...
about my character...
She's, she's saying Eli.
from 'The Royal Tenenbaums'.
I love that scene.
Which scene?
Well, every scene...
but what is the book that your
your character writes about?
Is it Geronimo?
Hey, guys.
No, no, Custer.
Old Custer, remember?
Of course, 'cause...
everybody knows that Custer
died at Little Big Horn.
What this book presupposes
is "Maybe he didn't!".
I love that, honestly, it's...
That's a good scene, yeah.
one of my favorite moments, in
one of my favorite films ever.
Yeah, thank you.
But I also love 'Did You
Just Call Me Coltrane?'.
Uh, no, but if I did, you...
..couldn't do anything about it.
You don't think so?
O, Owen.
Oh, no, I don't. Oh, you
wanna talk some jive?
Oh, I'll talk some jive
like you've never...
Owen, Owen, can we get back to
me for a second, dude?!
Sit down! I said sit down!
Hey, whoa.
It's always me, me, me
with this guy.
Early onset narcissism.
No, dude, it's not that.
It's just that I don't have
time to attend a Wes Anderson...
film festival while my life
is imploding.
Okay, but there's a polite
way to say that.
Yeah, there's also a polite,
less vain way to say...
thank you when someone
compliments your film...
as opposed to acting every scene
out for 'em...
like Norma frickin' Desmond.
Okay, take the bass out of your
voice when you're talking to me.
No, no, no, I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have bothered you.
Listen, I know you're going
through a divorce.
That's heartbreaking for you.
No, it's all right, it's jus
You gotta forgive this guy...
Wes Anderson movies go right
over his head.
[GIRL] Okay.
Let's shake it off.
No, no, dude, I get 'em fine.
The fact is, I just don't
Oh, now all of a sudden
you don't like Wes.
You're like a pit bull tonight.
No, dude, it's not that.
It's just that he's just,
he's kind of, I don't know...
No, he's not.
His films, they're just, they're
kind of precious, really.
You know?
When you're talking about his
films, you know, I'm involved...
in some of those, so you're kind
of insulting me also.
No, dude, it has nothing
to do with you.
Yes, it does have something
It's just the way that he...
shoots 'em is a little,
you know...
Precious, I know, you
keep saying that.
No, it's like he's trying
too hard.
You know it's selfconscious,
you know what I mean?
I really don't feel like sitting
here and letting you insult...
my best friend Wes...
especially when I'm trying to
help you and trying to
Your best friend?
Yeah, Wes, my best friend.
I think it's kinda bad taste
'cause I'm...
Dude, what are you talking...
You, you've said for years and
you just said a few seconds...
ago that you're my
best friend.
Yeah, I'm your best friend.
But just because you're the
best man...
at somebody's wedding, doesn't
mean they're gonna be...
the best man at your wedding,
Dude, dude, okay, I cannot
I can't even process this
right now.
But even if I could, why would
you say this to me now...
when I'm at my lowest point
and I most need uplift?
I'm sorry , but I am trying
to give you uplift.
But we were talking about
facing facts...
I mean we're not
in kindergarten.
So what if Wes is my
best friend?
Would you stop saying
that, dude?!
Hey, you need to snap out
of it and face reality...
okay, 'cause in the real
I've known Wes a decade
longer than you.
He's a great filmmaker and
he's my best friend.
Now can we get back to
Oh, okay, real world, real
world? You want real world, O?
That's where I try to live.
Okay, in the real world,
your best friend, Wes...
is a Woody Allen wannabe...
and he hasn't made a good
movie since 'Bottle Rocket'.
And, come to think of
it, neither have you.
That's a dumb line, you know...
that's a really, that's
a dumb thing to say.
Yeah... yeah.
Yeah. You know what?
I've never, er... hey...
Yeah, and you know what?
And here's the thing...
is I got a movie star chin...
and you got a weak,
little, chiaseed chin.
You ever noticed that? Huh?
You know, I've never told
you this...
but maybe now's a good time,
they offered me 'Larry Flynt'.
What? The Ed Norton part?
Er, no, your part.
No, dude, you couldn't play
Oh, I couldn't? "Hey, look at
me, I'm Larry Flynt.
"I'm in a wheelchair.
You're out of order."
Hey, it's a lot more than
just being in a wheelchair.
The fact is it's, it's, it's
a love story.
Yeah, you know what I find
helps to sell a love story...
is having a little sex appeal...
which you haven't had
since the '80s.
I had it well into the
'90s, dude.
Oh, yeah, you were just oozing
sex appeal in 'Kingpin'.
You know Will Farrell
stole 'Wedding Crashers'.
Yeah, and he stole 'Semi Pro'...
but noone saw it probably
because you were in it.
You got out acted by a dog...
in 'Marley and Me'.
No, I didn't.
Oh, Marley, Marley, Marley.
You're... you're a child.
You're a punk.
You're a prick.
You're a dick.
It's like I always say, you're
the world's angriest hippy.
Hey, I'm not angry, asshole.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is
that... he's got TVQ, mate.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Go on, bruv, go on.
Get him, get him. Go on.
Hey, hold on. This bloke,
he looks familiar.
I was just gonna say, don't
he look like that guy...
Er, hang on. Jennifer Lopez in
the jungle with the snake.
What's it called?
[OWEN] 'Anaconda'.
Yes! He's got the voice as well.
I love this guy.
Yeah, me too, mate.
[OWEN] Yeah, that's me.
Can we get a quick picture?
Is that alright?
I'd like to look a little
bit more presentable.
No, you look great. You look
fine. Come on. Here we go.
Feeling alright? Let's do that.
Alright, let's do this.
Alright? You ready?
Three... two, one.
Yes! Let's get him a drink.
Come on.
What's your Facebook?
Mojito, yeah?
With mint and cocktail sticks.
[MAN IN CROWD] Cops are here!
Hey, hey, in a little trouble,
wake up.
Look, Mommy, there's
an airplane up in the sky.
Come on. Okay, er, you'll have
to come with me, okay?
What, what what happened?
You were fighting, the police
are here.
Where, where, where's,
where's Owen?
Just go, just go. Okay?
Where is he? Oh, no.
I, I have to, I have go back,
I have to go...
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, cops are there.
Come on.
Oh, no, man. Oh, no.
Oh god.
What is it?
Are you okay?
I just got into a fight with...
I, I, I just
why are you helping me?
Because you looked like
you needed help.
I mean, do you always
help people?
Ah, people, birds, dogs,
yeah, that's me.
Okay, okay, okay, hurry up.
Go in there.
Oh my god, what is going
on tonight?
It's just like I'm being
tested or something.
What is going on?
Hey, don't cross your arms...
you're blocking your heart
Oh... yeah.
Can I touch you?
Wh, where? What? Why?
Sshhh, sshhh.
Here you have a problem.
And here even bigger problem.
I believe you.
I need you to close your
eyes now.
Just trust me.
You can open your eyes now.
That was beautiful.
I know.
It says how all the gypsies
want jewelery and horses.
But how she's a gypsy and she
just needs love.
This is how you solve
your problem.
You need to find what you love.
Anyone in there? Police!
Get up on the seat, come on.
Sorry, this one's occupied.
Why can't I see your feet?
Why are you looking?
What are you doing?
[ZRINKA] I am a Moroccan,
we squat on top of the toilet.
Okay, er, have you got someone
in there with you?
No, I can pee on my own.
Hey, bugger off, weirdo!
Excuse me, miss.
He's gone.
Okay, let's go.
Hey, promise me you'll
stop resisting.
Oh, I'm, I'm not resisting.
Hey, you are holding a lot
of fear, my friend.
Yeah, that's true.
Are you afraid of me?
A little.
Just breathe.
This is a weird place
to breathe.
Hey, breathe.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
I can't.
I'm going to help you now.
Take my breath.
Oh, god, I'm so sorry.
You threw up on me.
I am so, so, so sorry.
Oh my god, you threw up on me!
Oh, please forgive me,
I'm so sorry.
Oh my god!
Can I just...
It barely got you. Let me see.
It's not that bad.
Don't, just don't.
No. Let me... just
Oh god.
Oh, please forgive me.
I don't know where that
came from.
What, what are you two
doing here?
I said... can you take
that commotion outside.
He threw up inside my mouth.
Blood of Jesus.
Oh god.
Get out, the police are
looking for
Are you okay?
Oh, please, please forgive me.
I'm so sorry.
[ZRINKA] Oh God, I...
Hey, it, it, it's all vegan
and organic if that helps.
Are you kidding me?!
I, I'm just...
Oh my God.
I don't know, I just got
nauseous, I...
God, this is the worst
night of my life.
Oh God. I wish we could
Where are the cops?
Thank you.
Until the end of darkness
Let the subtle shades
of light begin to play
Excuse me, excuse me, hi.
Sorry to bother you, er...
have you got like a few
quid for a sandwich?
No, no, I don't. Listen,
I gotta go home.
Like three quid, two quid.
I'm so sorry.
Anything at all.
No, no, I don't have
anything, dude.
Actually, actually I don't even
have money for a cab to get
Can you just give me...
Ah, great, I thought you.
Holy Mary, Mother of God.
Oh, thank you so much.
You are such a nice person,
you really are, thank you.
Hold, hold on...
Life has been hard
for you enough.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Hold
it, hold it, that's, that's
You're an angel sent from
God, you really are.
No, no, no, no. I mean,
I'm the angel, dude.
I gave that to her and I need
it because I gotta get a cab.
Well, it doesn't, it doesn't
look like you need it.
I mean, I mean, look, you're
stood there like all smug...
and stuff and like with all
your flash gear on.
I'm like in a wheelchair, mate.
Dude, I, I just, I just
need enough to get home.
Do you, do you have like
five quid or something?
Yeah, well I need a sandwich.
I haven't eaten in like
three days.
Well, what do you need a
fiftypound sandwich?
I mean, do you have any
more money?
Dude, please, can I...
I, I know you have something
for me. I just need five...
Are you begging a beggar
for money?
No, no, I'm just, I need
to get home, okay?
You're getting too close.
No, no, no, dude
I just need to get home.
Don't come any closer, please.
Don't scare him!
Look, just stand back, will you!
How many times do I have
to bloody tell you!
Okay, calm down, man.
I'm so sorry, miss.
It's absolutely nothing to do...
No, it's okay, it's not you.
with you, it really hasn't.
But you're a dick, mate.
I've told you once before,
now bugger off!
Give me that!
Give me that.
No, no! No, stop! Stop!
Oh lovely, lovely, Woody.
Stop it!
Get angry, that's it, lovely,
mate. Lovely.
My camera! He's broken my
camera! Lovely.
Stop it!
Woody Allen, this is not
your best self!
Sloane Hotel, please.
Everything alright there, mate?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fine.
It's fine.
Do you know what time it is?
Er, 11:30. What's going
on back there?
Er, nothing, nothing, it's
all good.
Yeah, well it looks like
a lot of something...
to be nothing, eh, mate?
No, no, dude, dude...
Er, are you bleeding?
Are you bleeding? Are you
bleeding, mate?
You're bleeding!
No, no, no, I'm not bleeding.
I'm fine.
Yes, you are. You're like a
bloody geyser, mate.
No, I'm fine, mate.
Ah, are you being real with me?
I'm not being anything
with you, dude.
Just I'm just...
everything's fine.
Don't you get anything don't
you get anything on my seats.
Dude, d'you have any,
do you have a Kleenex?
Don't you get anything on
my damn seats!
Dude, I won't get any blood
on your filthy seats.
If you give me a Kleenex,
I'll get it...
Or, or you will be paying for
the cleaning of this cab.
Dude, I'm not gonna have
to pay for anything. Okay?
Oh, oh yes you will, mate.
You'll be paying.
If there is the slightest
drop of blood...
anywhere in this cab, you will
be paying.
Okay. Shouldn't you just be
focused on your driving?
Oh, no, you will be charged
a full valet. Right?
You will be steamcleaning
the bleedin' engine...
after this ride, my friend.
Okay, okay, mate. Okay, great.
Just, just focus on
your driving, alright?
Just take that and stop
the blood, mate.
Thanks, mate, that's all I
ever asked you for.
Alright, just, just stop
the damn blood, will ya?
Is this used?
Well, I got sinuses, ain't I?
I'm not pulling out brand new
ones just for you.
Dude, that is disgusting.
Er, er, what's going on back
there? What was that noise?
No, no, it's nothing,
it's just the ashtray.
What, what d'you mean just
the ashtray?
What you done?
Oh, you've, you've broken
it, ain't ya?
No, dude, it, it was like this.
Oi, what the hell are you doing
messing with the ashtray?!
Dude, I don't know, what
is this, like an antique cab...
with, with like ornamental
ashtrays or something?
Oh... I mean, what... what
the... you know what?
Just stop the car.
No, no.
Stop the car cos I'm
getting out.
No, you're not getting out
this cab.
Not until you pay for
the ashtray.
stop this damn car because
I'm getting out now.
You're not getting out
the cab!
Not till you pay for
the ashtray!
Dude, this is kidnapping.
No, you stupid
bastard, destroying my cab!
Dude, you better stop
this friggin' cab right now.
No. No. No.
Stop it! Stop it!
No. No. No.
Stop this damn cab!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Everybody calm down!
Everybody calm down!
Dude, I will break this
fucking thing...
No, don't you dare! I'm pulling
over! Pulling over!
Get out! Out, out!
You silly bollocks!
You're the silly bollocks!
Piss off!
Sloane Hotel, please.
So just, can you, can you hurry?
Just go a little faster.
Go right on, go right on.
Go... shit.
Go through the lights, dude,
just go through the lights.
What's the hurry?
Life is about the journey
not the destination.
No, no, I assure you right now
it is about the destination.
We're in the hands of
the Goddess Kali.
She's a creator and destroyer.
It all depends on the mood
she's in.
Well, I don't think she's in
a very good mood tonight.
The stars can't shine
without darkness.
In the spirit of full
disclosure, I gotta tell you...
I don't have any money on me.
Can you speak a piece
of verse for me?
Something uplifting.
I, I, I memorized this when
I was seven.
I told the sun that I was glad,
I'm sure I don't know why.
Somehow the pleasant way it
had of shining in the sky...
just put a notion in my
head that wouldn't it be fun...
if while walking on the hill,
I said I'm happy to the sun.
That's beautiful. I feel
I should be paying you.
No, no, no, we'll just call it
even, you know, and that's fine.
I'll tell you what...
You, you, you just pull over
right here, this is fine, sir.
Thank you so much.
You're a gentleman.
Stop there! Stop there!
Don't make me run.
Stop there now! Go, go, go.
Suspect is on the playground.
Spread out. He's in here
Come on down. Come on down,
we know you're up there.
I can see you.
Don't. Don't!
Put your hands on your head.
Put your hands on your head.
This is over an ashtray.
Put your hands on your head now!
I can't. If I take my hands off
my knees, I'm gonna fall down.
You have the right to
remain silent.
Put your hands on your head!
Oi, he's a menace.
You don't have to say anything,
but it may harm your defense...
He's an absolute menace!
You're a menace!
He's a raving lunatic.
Lock him up.
Anything you do say may be
given in evidence.
You understand?
Are you who I think you are?
I hope not.
Were you in a fight with
Owen Wilson earlier?
Do you know what the cops
in the US would do to you...
for running like that? Yeah,
they would have shot ya.
And you'd be dead by now and the
world would be a better place.
You see what I'm dealing
with, man?
I think I do.
He kidnapped me. He wouldn't
stop the car.
You were the one running, sir.
[CABBIE] He's off his conkers,
mate. Hang him. Hang him!
You seem kinda young to be
doing this.
You're my first arrest.
Really? I'm flattered.
I'm not sure you mean it.
Listen, is, is it necessary
to go to the station?
I mean, is there any way I could
just pay a fine or something?
Are you offering me a bribe?
Then you're going to
the station.
Oh, that's good, you got me.
You Irish?
Through and through.
Oh, you know, I spent a month
in Galway one time.
I drank a lorry load
of Guinness.
I love Guinness.
Well, my wife says I love it
too much.
Oh, ah, married, huh? Kids?
Son. Seven year old.
Oh, must have had him
in high school.
I did actually, yeah.
What, you did the right
thing, got married?
Yeah... did the right thing,
Isn't that life's great mission?
Were you at the birth?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Oh, man, the greatest feeling
in the world. I had home births.
Er, hospital.
She had a difficult pregnancy.
Oh, the kid's okay?
Yeah, yeah. He's, er, er...
That'll be us nearly there now.
Won't be long.
Oh, dude, I'm sorry to pry.
No, no, he's, er, he's just
special. He's got special needs.
Well you must love him all
the more.
I do. I do, he's incredible.
It must be tough sometimes.
Yeah. Yeah, it can be.
I mean I don't know why
I worry...
he's as happy as can be,
you know.
It's just he's so pure,
you know...
and the world can be a little
bit, er... um...
Oh, hey, um, I'm, I'm
sorry, man.
No, it's alright, man.
I'm a fixer, I wanna fix
everyone's problems. Stupid.
Well, you... my kids are
six and nine.
We should, I mean we should
get 'em together sometime.
You, er, they could use
a playmate.
What's your name?
I'm Constable Hughes.
Yeah, so, er, you, you
like Bono?
Just because I'm Irish,
I'm supposed to like him?
I love him.
Oh, you got me again.
Well, I mean, what you put
your energy into...
tells me all I need to know
about you.
Bono could do anything
he wants...
in a world full of suffering
He just tries to help on
a massive scale.
I quite admire that in the man.
I think he's a poet.
And, yeah, I'm damn proud
he's Irish.
You wanna talk with him?
You what?
Talk with Bono?
Talk with Bono now?
Yeah, right now. Right now.
What like you could just
call him?
Yeah. Yeah, just, er, grab
my Blackberry.
It's right there in my pocket.
It's right there.
Yeah, just grab it and he's
he's he's under 'B'.
Oh, 'B' like 'buzzing'?
Er, 'B' like after 'A'.
All right, here we go...
it's a 343 number.
Yeah, yeah, Ireland.
All right, here we go,
Bono on speaker phone.
Ali, how you doing? It's Wood.
Woody, great to hear from you.
You're not back in Dublin,
are you?
No, no, no, I'm in London.
Well you certainly made a big
impression on your last trip.
What d'you mean?
You told Bono smoking pot
would fix his glaucoma.
Now the tour has been put off,
the album's been put back...
and he tells anyone who listens
the Irish invented Reggae.
I hope you're happy.
Hold on.
Irie man... good vibrations...
all across the nation.
What's up with man?
Oh, hey, hey, buddy.
You know you gotta be a little
bit cautious with that medicine.
It's very strong.
Um, but listen, I, I got a,
a friend here, you know...
er, who wants to say hi,
a fellow Irishman.
Hello, this is Paddy
Hughes speaking.
BONO (OVER PHONE) Any friend
of Woody be a friend of mine.
He's not me friend.
All brethren are friends,
Paddy Hughes...
for the kiss of the serpent
is like sugar...
in comparison to the heart
of a friendless man.
Yeah, okay. Er, but he's broken
the law, Bono.
Are you his cell mate?
More like his jailer. Listen,
sir, I really respect you.
I've always wanted to meet you.
I think you're just brilliant.
Jah, bless you, sir.
I mean I loved your first
album and your second album.
Just absolutely the best.
No buts.
Well, I've just...
Well, I mean after 'October'...
it feels like you just kinda
sold out a bit.
No, dude.
Yeah, it's like you've kinda
let yourself down.
No, er, Bono, Constable Hughes
is a big fan of yours and, and
I mean I quite like Larry.
I mean he's the business.
Tune me into your
thinking there, Wood.
No, I, I just thought that
it'd be good...
for you guys to talk, you know.
I don't, I don't think Larry
would let fame...
get to his head as such,
you know.
BONO (OVER PHONE) Rasta can't
deal with Babylon right now.
Hey, er, Bono, I think that
you guys could be...
very, very good friends,
I really do. Bono?
I think he's hung up.
Why did you tell him he
sold out?
Well someone had to tell him.
Well, I mean, but what happened
to all the good stuff...
he does for mankind?
And, then like you know
he's a poet.
Well, he needed to be told.
He needed to be told.
Well, alright, it's good
that you met.
Listen, dude, is there anyway
you could give me a break here?
I mean, just let me loose.
You ask for this favor...
a little quick off the heels
of making nice. Let's go, sir.
Okay, but... listen, my kids...
they're going to Leavesden
Studios in the morning...
because they're going to the
HaHarry Potter set.
And it's the last day of filming
and we have to be there by 7:30.
Yeah, let's get you in there.
Oh, okay but I mean...
Can I call my wife?
I, I gotta, I told her I'd be
home by midnight and...
er, what, what time can I
be released?
Well, that depends.
On what?
On whether you need to see
the magistrate.
When's the magistrate?
Let's go.
You like Paul McCartney?
Let's go.
Stand behind the yellow line.
Did I tell you to uncuff him?
Uncuff him.
So, you're the one.
Well, yeah, I'm the one
who assaulted an ashtray.
You drunk?
I wish.
Empty your pockets.
Well you're, you're not gonna
strip search me and make me...
spread my cheeks and all that,
are you?
Do you expect special treatment?
Then, no.
You guys are funny.
Er... hey... there you go.
One Blackberry.
One room key, to the
Sloane Hotel.
Dude, you don't have to let
every criminal in here...
know where I live.
Oh, they know where you live,
with them.
One pen.
One Chelsea lighter.
You, you don't like those
overpaid poofters, do you?
No, I mean, someone just gave
who do you like?
Charlton Athletic.
Charlton? Oh, there's, there's a
great group, gang, squad, um...
they're, they're, they're
just, er, they're strong.
And bottom of the league.
Bottom? Well, nowhere to go
but up. That's good news.
One comb. What's that for?
To comb with.
What do you comb? Lice out
your pubes?
What, what, er...
Do you know what time it is?
It's 11:45.
My teatime.
Can I make a phone call?
When's the magistrate come?
9:00 AM.
Dude, 9:00 AM? That's way
too late.
I'm going to Leavesden Studios.
I have to be there 7:30 sharp.
My kids are gonna meet
Harry Potter.
Ooh, lahtidah. Life of a
Hollywood star, eh.
You just seem predisposed
to dislike me.
That was my brother.
Your brother?
In the cab.
In the cab?
Your brotherinlaw was
the guy...
So when he was calling someone
on the phone, that was...
Parlez vous francais?
Listen, if I'd have met your
brotherinlaw under different..
circumstances, we would have had
a pint and a laugh, you know.
We just, just had some
bad luck.
You certainly did.
And tonight, while you're
lying in a cold cell...
on a metal slab where hundreds
of guys have sweated, belched...
farted, pissed, puked, bled,
wanked and defecated...
and you can't sleep from
the stench...
picture me sitting with my
brotherinlaw in a warm pub...
with a pint and a packet
of salt and vinegar crisps...
having a laugh, over you.
What's that?
Ah... nothing.
Is that what I think it is?
No, no, no, it's nothing.
It's just I
It's cannabis.
I don't even know what
it is, dude.
We shall see. Give it to me now.
I I don't know where
Give it to me now.
Give it to him now!
You bastard... you had a
cannabis cigarette...
and that's going in the records,
search him.
Only this.
A feather. What's that for?
Hmm, tickle your balls, eh?
Tickle, tickle, dirty, dirty
little Yankee doodle dandy, eh?
My daughter gave that to
me for luck.
Well, it don't seem to
be working, does it, eh?
Step this way.
Hey, take it easy.
Hey, Woody, how you doing,
Oh, never better.
Ah, I saw your play.
Oh, great, thanks.
What a load of bullshit.
I thought I'd ask for my money
back but, er, I snuck in.
You ever gonna make us
laugh again?
Well I, I doubt it, dude.
I feel like I'm stuck in a
drama bubble.
What they got you for?
Oh, molesting an ashtray.
Can you mind your own
business, please.
They'll let you go if you pay
them. It's all about the money.
Shut it, Eugene.
Is that true?
Step aside and wait your turn.
Moron. Watch the birdie.
Right hand first, starting
with the thumb...
rolling from left to right.
Er, but, dude, can I get
out if I post, post bail?
Well, if we decide you're
not a flight risk.
Did someone ask you, Paddy?
No, sir.
And are you doing the deciding?
I am not, sir.
Then stay out of it.
But you know I'm not a flight
risk, you know where I live.
The Sloane Hotel...
bail is 1,000 pounds.
Dude, that ashtray was useless.
It was like the cab's appendix.
Just pay it, man.
I don't have any cash, man.
Well, you can use a credit
card, but they don't take Amex.
Shut up!
II don't have my wallet
on me, because
Then I guess you'll have to
wait for the magistrate.
Whoa, pity.
You travel without a wallet?
You're so ghetto, aren't you?
So Hollywood.
Dude, can I please call my wife?
I mean, we've been, we've
been having some trouble...
and, and I I I have
to call her.
I told her I'd be there
by midnight.
Can I please make a call?
After you make your statement,
you can make one call.
Take him away.
Thank you.
I mean, I think you're a
closet people person.
Thank you, sir.
Hey, get a new agent, man.
Are you trying to make
trouble for yourself?
No, no. I mean my wife is
gonna liberate me.
Well that's up to him...
if he decides you're not
a flight risk.
He decides?
Yeah, he's the boss.
Dude, who put him in charge?
I don't know, but he's the boss.
Guy's a maniac.
I mean that's ridiculous.
How long do you think before
I can wrap all this up?
I don't really know, sir.
I'm new here, too. Let's go.
Take a seat.
Oh god.
Detective Sergeant Dante.
Yeah, I I know, I met you.
Remember, you hate me?
You met my twin brother.
What, are you putting me
on, dude?
You had quite an eventful night,
I understand, Mr. Harrelson.
No, no, hold on.
What, did you just change
clothes and it's like...
an interrogation technique
or something?
What drugs did you imbibe
this evening?
I I don't I don't do drugs.
I, I, I'm straight edge...
and I think it's a terrible
example for children.
Hm, and yet you had cannabis
on your person.
No, sir, I did not.
Will you submit to a blood test?
But I I
I don't, I don't...
um, do, er, needles.
We use hair samples.
No, I can't afford to lose
any more hair.
I'm an actor, you know.
Oh, yeah, I'm familiar with you
phoney, Hollywood types.
You do drugs.
You participate in orgies, eh?
You take part in orgies?
Yeah, course you do.
And contribute to the
moral decay in our society.
You don't get your way...
you stamp your feet like
a little baby.
Destroy your hotel room,
or your cab.
You're thinking rock star.
I just make movies.
Yeah, bad ones.
'Money Train', what a joke.
You will not be able to
leave here...
until you've submitted to a
voluntary drug test.
Okay, okay.
First of all, that makes your
blood test far from voluntary.
Secondly, I'm getting treated
like I butt raped Tony Blair...
at the Queen's afternoon tea.
And all I did was make
your brother's ashtray...
Inlaw, inlaw.
Your brotherinlaw's
useless ashtray useful...
and for that I'm getting abused
by you and your twin brother.
What are you guys? Bad cop,
worse cop?
I mean, you know,
I'm an actor, okay.
Voice and physicalisation are
my bread and butter...
so I hate to rain on your
but there's no way that you
guys are the same person.
You're different people, because
you're the same person...
and you're both abusing me
for breaking a broken ashtray.
And I'm gonna call my Embassy,
D'you, d'you think, d'you
think you're a tough guy?
No, no, no.
Are you the natural born killer
or am I the natural born killer?
Which one works for you?
Are you the natural born killer
or am I the natural born killer?
You, you, you
I'm the natural born killer!
Yes, yes!
Thank you. That means a lot.
Tell me, what's the most women
you've slept with in one go?
Dude, I'm not answering that.
I hate you.
What's it like to be with
three birds at once?
Dude, I love my wife.
Of course, but what man
would turn down three birds?
I mean I wanna meet that guy.
I don't wanna meet Tony Blair,
Stephen Hawking, Ted Danson...
but the man who turns down
three birds.
I wanna meet him, buy him
a pint and ask him...
"What's wrong with you?"
Sign this.
What is it?
Your statement.
Uh, responsible for all damages,
injuries, physical, emotion...
Emotional? Dude, I'm not
signing this.
I I don't have a pen.
Just, okay.
Hmm... so easy.
Can I ask you a favor?
Now, tomorrow I'm taking my
kids to Leavesden Studios...
to meet Harry Potter, which
you're welcome to come.
But I we gotta leave here
by, I don't know, 6:45, 7:00...
because we've gotta be
there by 7:30 sharp.
So do you see any way, any way
at all that that could happen?
You just have to pick the lock
to your jail cell, kill me...
and sneak past all these other
coppers and out the front door.
I mean other than a murderous
jail break, is it possible?
No chance. I'm the natural
born killer.
Come on, get up.
What time is it?
It's 11:55.
Time for you to make your call.
Oh... okay.
How'd it go?
Not good, man.
I I I don't think
he's gonna let me go.
Just make your call and let
me deal with him.
All right.
Well, I mean, I don't have this
number memorized or anything.
Well, I just
do you know how to
Are you sure you don't have it?
No, I don't have it memorized...
can you just
Let me see.
Eh... Sloane Hotel.
Sloane Hotel, please.
Here, it's ringing.
Yeah, er... oh, hello, hello.
Hi, er, this is
Can you connect me with
Woodrow Wilson? Yeah.
Thank you.
It's my pseudonym.
Yeah, hi, hi, uh, yeah...
it's just ringing.
Hi, yeah. Hello?
It's ringing.
[PADDY] It's quite late.
Just keeps ringing and ringing.
[PADDY] No answer?
Hello? Hi.
Just ringing.
Maybe she's asleep.
Oh my god, hello?
Are you on the phone?
Yeah, yeah, hi.
Just one second, sir.
Sorry, sorry.
It's just... yeah, can you,
er, can you ring the room again?
Yeah, just ring it one
more time.
It's ringing.
It's quite late.
Ring, ring.
Just, I don't know why she
isn't picking up, man.
Maybe she's sleeping.
Take him to his cell.
No... can you just, just
one second.
Hello? Hang on. Yeah, hello.
Listen, will... ring it
one more time, will you?
No, dude, I I
I can't call back.
No, I I can't, because this
is my only call.
Because I'm in jail, so would
you just please ring the room
What the hell? Why are people
hanging up on me today?
Sir, maybe if we...
Can, can I just call her cell?
You had your call.
Just let me call her cell.
You had your call.
Well that's not fair, man.
Sir, if we mention that we're,
we're the police, then maybe...
Take him, Paddy.
No, please, please, just let
Let's go, sir. Come on.
Take him.
Come on, let's go, now, now.
Can I ask a favor, man?
There's nothing I can do.
This is my first day.
Dude, do you have a pen
and paper?
There's only so much I can
help with, I'm new here.
Please, do you have a pen
and paper?
Okay, look.
I want you to just call
this number, right?
And my wife will come and,
and, and save me, okay?
So just please do this...
because my kids are gonna meet
Harry Potter in the morning.
It's gonna be the biggest
day of their lives.
And I beg you, please,
please to do
You, you, you have any kids?
I just told you about my
son eleven minutes ago.
Were you listening, you fake?
Feigning interest in my kid.
"Maybe our kids could
play together."
Oh, no.
You're a fraud.
Oh I am so sorry, dude, I'm so
Don't try and nuzzle up to
me, you twofaced creep.
I don't talk about me son
to anyone.
That's cre you're creepy.
No, no, I'm not creepy, man
You are, you're creepy.
You twofaced, stoner,
Hollywood creep, let's go.
But, but my, my kids are
not creepy.
They're the most uncreepy
kids in the world.
They deserve to meet
Harry Potter.
Yeah, well, my kid deserves
to meet Harry Potter, too.
Well, bring him and they
can meet, and all of them...
can meet Bumbledore and, and
Harry Potter, and, and Her H...
Look, dude, dude, I I
I'm sorry, okay?
Yeah, you look it, let's go.
No, I mean, I'm I'm a lousy
excuse for a human being.
Well, I couldn't have summed
it up better myself.
I never graduated
from adolescence.
I'm like perpetually, you know
and I I get high all the time.
And I get drunk all the time.
And I'm filling my senses...
and my heart is withering
in my chest.
And and my wife is the
most incredible person...
on this earth and I
Dude, she's, she's gonna
leave me.
And when she leaves me,
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna break up with
myself, man.
I I look I was,
I was manipulating you earlier.
I was trying to curry favor...
pretend that I cared about your
son, hoping you'd help me.
But I don't blame you if
you don't forgive me.
I mean, I've I've actually
grown unsympathetic to myself.
But I, I, I would love to take
you and your son to meet...
Harry Potter tomorrow if, if
You can believe that, man,
even if my family can't come.
You'd take me and my son
with you to see Harry Potter?
Even if your family didn't come?
Yeah. Yeah, I...
You could be manipulating
me now.
But I'm not asking you
for anything.
Neither am I.
Come on, let's go.
Yeah, but...
Come on, go, let's go, get in.
Pad, Paddy?
Thanks, man.
For what?
You're a good man.
I think that's yours.
Oh, thank you.
Stupid, stupid, stupid...
stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid!
God, it's been a while...
and I haven't been a very
good Christian.
I know, I guess I got lost
in the carnival and I just...
I don't know if you're
up there, God...
but if you are, this is it, man.
I mean, my wife and my, my
best friend on the same day.
I mean, even Job had a week
to adjust, I mean, God...
please, please, God,
don't let me lose her.
Please give me another chance.
Please, God. Please.
Please, please, God.
The streets are dark
and quiet in London
After midnight
But silence is the master
of darkness
And London can sleep tonight
protected by the master
You scream the largest
portion of the day
Rest your lungs
Tomorrow's on its way
Willie, what's going on?
Everything at once, man,
it's freaking me out.
They let you in here?
Yeah, I'm feeling it's a lot
easier to get in one of these...
places than it is to get
out of 'em.
How are you doing?
Terrible, man.
My old lady used to say,
"Don't worry about a thing...
"'cause there ain't nothing
gonna be all right".
Oh, man, I just, I messed
up real bad.
Well, you just did what
other men have done.
I've done it myself.
Yeah, but you've had like
129 wives, Willie.
I just want one, I want Laura.
Well, what do you think
women want?
Well, I don't know... love.
Love, honesty, respect, loyalty.
Oh, yeah, well I should
have thought of those.
Those are the hard ones.
Yeah, well, this ain't about
what you're going through.
This is about what
Laura's going through.
That's what you gotta
think about.
Grow a spine. If you're gonna
be a bear, be a grizzly.
Oh, well that, that is
good advice, Willie.
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Uh, did you miss me?
[WOODY] Huh. You're the best,
Willie. I so appreciate you.
Hey, I'm gonna put in a good
word for you...
'cause you know, I always liked
you just a little bit.
[WOODY] Thank you, Willie,
thank you so much.
You're as welcome as the
flowers in spring.
And if you ever need
a friend, buy a dog.
You're the Texas Dalai Lama,
Wake up, buttercup. Carpe diem.
It's me, buddy.
Oh, did you see Willie?
Willie's on Maui, amigo.
Ah, man, well I dreamed
he was here.
Am I dreaming you're here?
No, I'm here, I just paid
your bail.
Oh, thanks, buddy.
Don't thank me, thank Paddy.
Thank you so much, Paddy.
No worries.
What time is it?
It's time to go meet
Harry Potter.
Oh, yes! Yes!
Okay, so, er, you called Laura?
Called Laura.
Then Laura called you?
[OWEN] Yeah.
And, so, Laura saved me, huh?
Yeah. Laura saved me.
Sorry about that fight.
Oh, me, too, bro.
Oh, gosh, I gotta say,
you are quite the scrapper.
Yeah, you did run into a little
bit of a buzz saw tonight.
You're lucky you're lucky they
pulled me off you when they did.
Well, you know, I was just...
I was getting ready
to crank it up.
pretending to lose consciousness
I was about to stage a comeback.
I could feel that,
playing possum.
I could also feel that Vulcan
death grip that you did...
on my head that just left
me feeling a little concussed.
Dude, tell me I didn't
hurt your moneymaker.
I mean, now that's the
main thing.
No, it's okay.
I mean, is that cheekyboy
smile still there, right?
Please, let's never lose that.
Oh, my god.
Come and meet me son.
Let's go.
Yeah, okay.
You know, you did actually a
pretty good, um, 'Larry Flynt'.
Oh... come on.
Now your free.
Free at last! Free at last!
Where's Laura and the kids?
They're not here.
What do you mean? I thought
they were gonna be here.
I don't know.
Hold it, but you talked to her
on the phone, right?
She called me and asked me
to call Paddy...
and come bail you out.
But, well, so... you don't
know where she is?
No idea.
Hold on, so where's,
where's your son?
Well, we're going to
collect him.
You still wanna go, yeah,
see Harry Potter?
Yeah, I mean, we might
as well.
Be good to, at least for us
to see Harry Potter.
Well, you guys, I'm gonna have
to take a rain check, I think.
You guys can drop me off
on the way.
What do you mean?
What are you doing?
I got that meeting
I gotta go to.
What, at this hour
of the morning?
Morning meeting.
Well, with who?
It's not important.
Dude, who who are you meeting?
Your best friend?
Yeah, Wes, my best friend...
and guess what?
I have three brothers,
Andrew, Luke and Woody.
I feel like I just got demoted
from second best friend...
to third favorite brother...
Hits just keep on coming, man.
Come on.
You want me to tell Wes
you said hello?
Yeah, yeah, you know,
I actually do like him.
You guys get along.
I'm just jealous, because he
never called me for anything.
Hey, what was that thing you
were saying was the...
talking about the beautiful
thing that me and Laura had?
In the club?
Oh, I was kind of just...
scrambling a little bit,
but I mean
What's going on?
Can a police car pull
over another police car?
It's a bit strange, all right.
Well that doesn't make
any sense.
[PADDY] Find out who it is.
But it doesn't surprise me, man.
The way things are going,
this, this night is, er...
just never gonna stop.
License and registration?
Dante... what's going on, man?
You don't think I was gonna
miss Harry Potter, do you?
Sign this.
Oh, great, great.
Wow, just great.
And, er, we might have a
few surprise guests.
Why didn't you come home
last night?
Where were you?
Oh, well, okay, I'm gonna...
er, I'm gonna explain
it all to you, okay?
Um, you got any jokes for me?
Uh, yeah.
When you go into the
bathroom, you're American.
When you come out of
the bathroom, you're American.
What are you when you're
in the bathroom?
Ah, I give up.
You're a peein'.
Okay, there was this zoo with
no animals and just one dog.
It was a Shitzu.
I don't get it.
[PADDY] Woody, this is Billy.
Dumb joke.
Say hello, Billy... who's that?
Hello, Billy.
Who's this?
What you got here?
Harry Potter.
Harry Potter.
Oh, it's nice to meet you.
Put me down.
I'm gonna give you a minute.
Let's go, kids... I'll give you
a minute, come on, let's go!
[PADDY] Let's go and see
Harry Potter!
I thought you left me.
I did leave you.
But the sins of the father...
don't need to be visited
on his children.
They really wanna meet
Harry Potter.
So that's the reason
you're here?
I've been doing a lot
of thinking.
Yeah, so have I.
And, er, I know I cause you a
lot of pain and humiliation.
You do not make it easy, Woody.
And I, I, I can't...
I tell you you're, you're the
most amazing woman in the world.
And you're you're the
one for me.
Just not the only.
I can't imagine this, your, my
world without you, I can't.
But... I think if I'm really
gonna be selfless about this...
I don't wanna see you
saddled with me...
cuz I don't wanna see the person
I love with the person I hate.
And I, I know that the best
thing that I can do for you...
and the only way I can
truly love you...
is to help you get rid of me.
So I want you to go, in
that van, and leave me here.
At least then I'll know
you'll be all right, honey.
No! No, no!
No! No! No!
[LAURA] Woody?!
[LAURA] How's it going down
there, jail bird?
It's been better.
[PADDY] Come on, Woods.
Get him up, kids.
Let's get him in the van.
You know, Woodrow, you're
not quite rid of us.
Does that mean you're not
gonna leave me?
Not yet.
Let's just see how the day goes.
[WOODY] Hello, Billy.
[LAURA] Hey, guys.
[PADDY] Say, "Hi, Woody".
[BILLY] Hi, Woody.
[BILLY] Harry Potter.
[WOODY] Harry Potter!
[LAURA] Yeah!
So I remember when Woody and
his family visited...
the Harry Potter set on, I
believe it was the second film.
Um, so I was about 12 or 13.
And, er, whenever sort of famous
people or actors came out...
to the set, you know, it was
very exciting.
So the crew, everyone was very
excited, I was very excited.
Er, and, and I met him and
he was, they were all lovely.
Um, and then later that day...
sort of news started filtering
through about some weirdness...
altercation with a taxi the
previous night.
And the genuine reaction
around the set was...
"Did Woody Harrelson just come
and use the Harry Potter set...
"as a safe house for a day?"
"And was he just like
coming here to hide out?".
Um, which it turns out wasn't
the case, but if it had been...
it would have been a pretty
cool thing to do.
Um, so, yeah, er, that was, that
was the first time I met Woody.
Been bound up and wound up
Could barely get a sound up
Been cheated mistreated
Don't even care to think
of it
Been wasted basted
Till I could hardly taste it
Knocked down kicked around
Left to hug a cold ground
But I feel every story
Every story you reveal
If love is my greatest
My greatest glory
I cannot conceal
Been greedy and needy
Sinister and seedy
Lost in illusion
I cuddle my confusion
I crawl from my kingdom
to wallow in your wisdom
Listless lecherous
Oh my god I'm such a mess
But I feel every story
Every story you conceal
If love is my
greatest glory
My greatest glory
I'm ready to reveal
My love never let you down
My love never let you down
My love never let you down
I'll always be around
Always be around
Always be around
Always be around
Yeah all right
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
all right