Loud Krazy Love (2018) Movie Script
1
Thank you,
motherfuckers, so much!
Fieldy and Head
from the band Korn
whose album Issues
hits stores today.
And the winner is...
Korn, "Freak On A Leash."
I'd like to thank
this band right here,
the hardest workin' band
in rock and roll.
The band is named Korn
and they are celebrating
in New England.
I wanted to mention one thing
before we get too much farther
into the show.
Korn rules.
I'm Kurt Loder with MTV News
this hour with Chris Rock
on the late comic Phil Hartman.
First though,
there's a baby boom of sorts
going on in the music world
at the moment.
Korn has had to cancel
this Saturday's Ozzfest date
in England in order to allow
guitarist Brian Welch
to jet back to the States
to be with his wife
who is due to give birth
imminently.
And there's the inevitable...
The day Jennea was born
was, like, the most euphoric...
miraculous unconditional love,
like total...
purity in the room.
But...
I think deep down inside of me,
I knew I was incapable...
of being what she needed
and deserved.
"Man on Fire" by Edward Sharpe
and the Magnetic Zeros
I'm a man on fire
Walking through your street
With one guitar
And two dancing feet
Only one desire
That's left in me
I want the whole damn world
To come dance with me
Oh
Come dance with me
Over murder and pain
Come and set you free
Over heartache and shame
I wanna see
our bodies burning
Like the old big sun
I wanna know
what we've been learning
And learning from
Everybody want safety
Safety love
Everybody want comfort
Comfort love
Everybody wants certain
Certain love
Everybody
But me
When you're a kid
and you're serious
about playin' music
or serious about somethin'
in your life,
you have these dreams about,
you know, wanting to do stuff
in your life,
you know, whether to be
a fireman or a policeman
or work with animals
or a rock star.
He was like a normal kid.
You know, if you see the picture
of him in junior high,
you know, he had on Dockers and
a button down shirt and he...
Short hair and...
Then high school came.
I don't think
he thought he fit in.
He discovered fairly early
that hard rock music.
Remember the Ozzy Osbourne
and...
Yeah.
I don't know,
Black Sabbath and...
Some of those posters he had
even when he was 10,
12 years old,
on-on his bedroom walls.
And I used to walk down
the hallway at home
and poke my head in and say,
"Would you, please, play
'Ghost Riders In The Sky'
so I can recognize
what you're playing?"
Oh, hey, dude.
There's no, there's no metal
on this one.
Here we go.
We were just
a normal family, you know.
My mom and dad worked
pretty much at, you know,
8 to 4, 9 to 5 type of job
and, you know, we, uh...
My school was at the end of the
cul-de-sac, so that was cool.
I'm hot
And when I'm not
I'm cold as ice
To, like,
be given that dream...
I mean, it couldn't have got
bigger for us.
It was just like,
"Are you serious?"
"Blind" by Korn
He's like,
"I wanna start a band.
You know, I got a drummer."
He said,
"I need a bass player."
He's like, "Bass is easy,
you just kinda, just ride E."
I'm like, "Cool."
There's always been
a, a back and forth
with our guitar playing.
I mean, both of us are playing
guitar. It's like one person.
He had something
that no one ever heard before.
When Korn came out, I was like,
"What in the fuck is this?"
We hear all the time that
he's a genius at what he does.
I couldn't recognize that,
you know.
Well, partly because of the type
of music they play.
Are you ready?
Big as Korn was,
I would still be
callin' my dad.
"Dad, my album went number one."
He's like, "What? That's great."
Backstreet Boys number two,
NSYNC three,
Britney Spears four,
and I'm like, "How are we..."
I almost thought it was like,
"Are we... Is this conspiracy?
Are we gettin' punked
or somethin'?"
It was a blur because not only
were we partying every night...
A-and you know,
we're at city, city, city, city.
So it just becomes like,
"Do you remember that tour?"
Not even that night.
It's like the, the ultimate way
of everything
you could ever want.
It was fuckin' amazing.
You don't have to wake up
and go to work in the morning.
None of that shit.
It's just having fun.
And plus, I had a life.
I didn't, I wasn't...
I didn't party or do anything
when I was growing up.
I was the outcast kid. Everyone
thought I was a fag and shit.
So I didn't have... I didn't get
to do any of that shit.
So once I got in the band, I was
like, "Oh, shit, here we go."
Go
Fieldy, Jonathan and Head
from the band Korn.
Fight!
Something on the dum na ema
Fight somethings they fight
Something takes
a part of me
And young hip music lovers
are eating up
the Korn's newest album.
I had everything.
I had to make people believe
that I was happy
when I had everything.
When on you're on TV every day,
when you have the checks
rollin' in,
when you have sold out
arena shows, it's like...
They're like,
"Oh, man, you have it all."
"Man, you're like the..."
"You see Brian,
he's doin' so good."
"See the Korn guys, they're
doin' so good, they have..."
"Man."
I had to play that role.
That everyone thought
I had everything,
so I had to act like...
I was happy
and things were okay.
And my dad,
I guess I wanted to show him
that I can make it on my own
and, and be okay and...
My mom,
I didn't want to worry, so...
So I just... It was just...
I lived a lie.
I'm gonna get you, pancake.
I'm gonna get you, dirty bag.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
You and me, pancake, you and me.
Yeah.
Hi. How's it goin'?
Check her out sideways.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thought he was bigger than that.
He's gotta go through that,
is it?
To me,
I knew something was missing
because I was trying
to fill an empty space
with somethin'
that was hurtin' me.
Ice Cube Studio with a fucking
ice chest full of crystal.
You know it.
Oh! You knocked over my beer.
Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, fuck you.
The alcohol, like every day.
Not just a couple of drinks
a couple of times a week
with some friends,
like every day.
There goes, there goes...
Just self-medicating
with drugs and...
Mainly drugs.
No, no,
don't mix Xanax and beer.
Encore.
- You got some?
- Encore.
- You got some?
- Xanax?
- Smells good.
- It does, doesn't it?
We should put it in a
handkerchief and we'll huff it.
There was no sense
of any responsibility, I think.
That's what it was
and, uh, it just enables us
it enables you to just act
however you want.
Let's start the set.
Let's start the set.
You got the meth lined
out,
you roll up your bill,
you lean down,
make sure the hair doesn't
wipe it away like a broom,
snort it...
and then it's just like...
He was so mad.
I went down the hallway,
I was goin'...
I was goin',
"Man, she's in pain again."
Where's the epidural lady?
It was just beautiful
to me, you know.
It's like, this little baby,
this, a miracle came
into the world
and I was there
when she came into the world.
I was there.
She is cute, huh?
I was totally just in love
with the whole experience and
the, and the baby and everything
but when I got home,
it was like...
There was like a fear
that came on me, like,
"Oh, my gosh.
This is, this is a big deal.
There's like another person
that lives here now
and I'm responsible
for this person."
So I'm just like,
I was frightened
and my wife came and she's like,
"Are you in there? What are you
doin'? I need to use that."
or somethin' like that,
and I was in the bathroom,
and I open the door and she
just saw me, just bawling.
My wife just held me there
for a little bit.
I was just scared
that I was gonna screw up
the kid
like I was screwin' up myself.
Make sure I don't suck.
I've only been playing a year,
so all playing playing.
Like, actually...
You might have
genetic advantage.
- I don't think so.
- Really?
I don't, I don't think
that's how it works.
I played that second one wrong.
It's actually...
You told us in the
car the other day
that you wanted, uh,
to be a singer.
Yes.
Because you felt like...
it would give you a voice.
Yes.
What do you wanna say?
Um... what do I wanna say?
Um...
Hm.
It felt like forever,
but I was at home for one month
after Jennea was born.
I'm a new person,
I'm gonna be a great dad,
I didn't drink
and I stopped smoking.
And I was kind of bragging
to my guys.
I was like, "My life changed."
And the next thing you know,
they're like,
"Hey, let's go watch
Rage Against The Machine."
Let's get some beers."
And I was like...
"Hm, I'll just have
a couple of beers."
What I was afraid of...
I was just like...
I was just stepping right back
into those same patterns.
We knew
something was wrong with him,
but we weren't smart enough
to figure it was drugs.
And he was a master
at hiding it,
but I should have known when...
I mean, I feel guilty
about that. When I...
Hindsight is always better,
but I should've seen the signs.
I, I should have too.
But we, we didn't see him
that often.
In our defense,
we didn't see him that often
and when we did,
he was flitting.
You know how he is.
He's just...
And he would crash
when he'd come home a lot.
And I think part of that was...
what he was ingesting.
Mm.
I wanna say that...
there is hope and...
that, like,
life doesn't have to...
be just a drag.
No one is on Earth
just because...
Like, there is,
there is a purpose
for everyone being alive.
Welcome to
the show, ladies and gentlemen.
It's Monday night. I'm just back
from Woodstock and Korn Rules.
Am I right? Huh?
God bless you.
"Blind" by Korn
The day of the concert
was great.
I was clean for a while.
It felt good.
There was no drugs in my system.
I was excited and everything.
"Blind" by Korn
We had an awesome slot.
We went on, like,
right when it got dark.
So, we had
the, like, the lights,
we had the, the sound,
we had everything.
And, you know...
it just crushed.
"Blind" by Korn
Ended up drinkin',
ended up snorting coke.
Me and my wife might have
even took ecstasy.
Got on the chartered jet home
with Ice Cube and Limp Bizkit
and Korn and people snorting
Tylenol Pm
to try to get to sleep
'cause they couldn't sleep
the night before
'cause of the coke.
And I was just trying
to take care of the baby and...
Yeah, Rebekah, she went off
in the deep end
and drank more and more
and got psychotic
and ended up attacking me
and I ended up punchin' her
in the face and...
split her nose open.
Blood went everywhere and...
she ended up passing out
on the marble floor.
My daughter in the next room
sleepin',
my wife on the floor bloody
and, and me, uh...
just bawled up, just... crying.
Just thinking and saying, like,
"Why does the American dream
look like a nightmare?"
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Dear Nea
Happy birthday to you
We were down
for Jennea's birthday...
and that's when Rebekah
basically walked away.
I'd thought she'd just
kind of flipped out.
I mean, it was,
she came to her party late
with, with a couple
of skinheads that she was...
What the hell's goin' on here,
you know, with everyone?
I couldn't believe
it was happening to me.
The punk rock gang of people
that moved into my house
when I was on the road
with Metallica and...
my wife sleepin'
with another man
while my kid's runnin' around
the house.
I was horrified
at what she might've saw
with those skinheads
at that house.
So he flies home...
gets her and takes her back
on the road with him.
I had to take over
and I, and I did.
I took her on the road and
stopped messin' with cocaine.
Stopped takin' Xanax pills
and...
did what I had to do.
"Nothing In This World"
by The Kinks
Met a girl fell in love
glad as I can
Be-e-e-e
Met a girl fell in love
Glad as I can be
Wait, baby bum.
But I think all the time
is she true
To me-e-e-e?
'Cause there's nothin'
in this world
To stop me
worryin' 'bout that
Gi-i-i-irl
I found out I was wrong
she was just
Two timin-n-n-n'
I found out I was wrong
she just kept on
Lyi-i-i-in'
Now she tries to tell
the truth and I just can't
Belie-e-e-eve
'Cause there's nothin'
in this world
To stop me
worryin' 'bout that
Gi-i-i-irl
'Cause there's nothin'
in this world
To stop me worryin'
'Bout that gi-i-i-irl
It's funny.
I love you, daddy.
Aww. I love you too.
- Who's that?
- Jennea.
I have plenty of memories
from when my dad was in Korn.
I-I was little, but I...
I don't know why,
uh, they just stuck.
rock music
I mean, if we're gonna be,
like, real here, like...
I mean, I saw, like...
I saw, like, naked chicks,
like, walking around backstage.
Like, I saw, like,
girls making out,
like, in the crowd.
Like, I...
I don't know, I've...
Like, all of that.
Hey, Jennea,
look in the camera.
- Jennea, look at him.
- Jennea!
Jennea, peek-a-boo!
- Never, ever... Jennea--
- Say hi to the camera.
Jennea! Never talk
to a guy that looks like this.
Go that way.
- Jennea.
- Or a girl.
Jennea. Jennea.
It changed my perspective
on how I saw other people
in the world.
How I saw a man and a woman
together in their marriage.
I... That definitely...
It changed
how I saw, like, love.
Whoo-whee,
smoke 'em if you got 'em.
- Hey, Jennea--
- Jennea.
Are you confused?
Are you confused?
She's tired.
But she'll be rockin' on stage,
right?
Tough times for us.
A lot of people watched Jennea
over the years.
A lot.
Oh, look, Jennea, there's...
When they moved to
Bakersfield, we would watch her
and this other couple
came with 'em
and they took care of Jennea.
- When he was out on the road.
- Yeah.
When I think
about home, I think about
the one in Bakersfield.
It was a big house.
Britney Spears!
We had, like, a crazy,
like, a huge pool
with, like, a bridge over it
and I had a huge
Hello Kitty themed room
and I never slept in it.
I always s-slept on the couch
o-or the guest room.
Hey, did I scare you guys?
To be honest,
I didn't know what family was.
I just thought
it was a word that meant
people who were related
to each other.
I didn't think
it meant anything else.
I'm still figuring it out.
Go, Jennea! Woohoo!
She's up on the blocks.
Standin' on her blocks.
- Take your mark!
- She took her mark.
There she goes.
Go, Nea, go! Go, go, go!
Go, Nea, go, go!
Well, my dad was gone.
I didn't think that was right.
I knew something
was missing there.
Go! Go!
Sorry, I need a...
Daddy, I'm...
I'mma got two medals.
Okay.
B-blow your daddy a kiss.
All t-the other kids had
their mom and dad come to,
like, their graduation
or whatever
or, like, Mother's Day
or Father's Day.
Um...
Sometimes,
my dad couldn't make it
or m-my mom was never there.
It was definitely hard
and people would wonder, like,
"H-how come
your mom's not here?"
I think I remember
just saying like,
"Oh, my dad's a rock star.
He's, h-he's away. H's gone."
I think I was like,
I don't think I can change us,
this is life.
But I knew that, like...
Sorry.
Everything in me wanted to do
the right things for her and...
But I just,
I think deep down inside of me,
I-I knew I was incapable...
of...
being what she needed
and deserved.
I get a gulp,
like, in my throat
and, like,
my heart skips a beat
when I come down this road...
because...
pure evil...
was...
in my life
as I traveled these roads.
Had drug dealers
come to the house,
bring me stuff
and, uh, a lot of emotions
when I come...
when I come here, you know.
Brian would play shows
and he'd leave me passes
at the, uh, at the box office.
Have an all-access pass,
I'd show up
with a sack of dope and,
and we'd use and get high.
I'd bring the meth to him.
Um... And that went on
for a few years.
I'd pop in with a sack.
And then I didn't hear
from him after that.
I couldn't stop bein'...
bad to my body.
I couldn't stop
these addictions.
They would always come back.
The thing about meth,
it just like...
It takes you down these roads
where you can...
be someone that you're not.
One was awesome.
You know, I'd go off
and just for hours
and work with music.
It wasn't defiled,
it wasn't...
It just felt pure.
And the other was...
the sexual perversion.
It seemed like millions
of different videos,
different categories
just turned on
by the sickness of it.
It was, it was like
I had become an animal.
Fifteen years.
You just decided to get clean.
- I stopped everything.
- Cold turkey?
Mm-hmm.
I was crazy for a year,
but nothing'.
No AA, no fucking God,
no bullshit.
'Cause everybody's
gotta replace it
and all I did was replace it
with music.
So what was it
like a few years later
when you're watchin'
Munky and Regi and--
It was fuckin' entertaining
as hell.
I mean, you gotta look at it.
I'm in a rock band.
I'm gonna be around drugs
and alcohol 24-7.
So you got either fuckin'...
You could be a dry drunk,
you could be pissed, and be...
'Cause I've seen other guys
that had done that
and they're just miserable,
'cause they can't drink
or you just gotta embrace it,
so...
I was out there makin'
their drinks, choppin' lines,
rolling joints,
doin' everything.
It just... I think
I was more addicted to the...
uh, ritual of doin' drugs
and drinking
than I was actually
partaking in it.
'Cause my hangovers
would get so bad,
I couldn't even play sometimes,
so...
Um, it was fun.
I'd wake up in the morning
and they'd be all hungover
and I'd be... laughin',
watchin' 'em do it again.
I was downstream
in the gutter too.
I guess more and more every day
just hittin' more bottom even
though we're a successful band.
You're just goin',
what is this?
The balance starts
to kind of tip the other way
where it's like,
I feel like shit
because I-I did too much
of this, we partied too hard
and then your dreams
kind of startin' to fade away
in the distance.
I remember I was on a Korn tour.
I was on that two-year binge.
Yo, daddy.
Vegas right there.
All about money, money, money.
And greed, greed, greed,
money, money, money, greed.
Jennea, she came to visit
with some friends of ours
that had kids too.
And those people came
into my room.
It's really hard to say,
but like,
I remember one of the kids
turn on the TV.
Now check out daddy's suite.
No girls in there though.
The porno came on the TV
that I was watching earlier.
All the kids,
like, looked at the TV
and all the adults scrambled,
"Give me the remote!
You guys, close your eyes,
close your eyes!"
I felt the most intense shame.
I just wanted to die,
like, right then.
I was just, like, mortified.
I was like,
"Who have I become?"
That I would do this to myself,
to my body, to my home,
to my daughter?
But I was stuck.
I'd sunk so low
into my secrets.
I couldn't live with myself.
You know, that's when
I would be on my back,
lookin' up sayin',
"What is the meaning of life?"
Like, "What, what is wrong
with my life?
Why can't I have it together?"
- Oh, my God. What...
- How's it goin', buddy?
- What's up, my guy?
- Thank you guys for...
- Look at this guy.
- Oh, my God. Oh.
Dude, I haven't seen you
since, like, '05.
- Good to see you, bro.
- You too.
- Keep missin' you.
- I miss you too.
I never knew the day
you and I met at CoCo's
and I gave you the Bible
and we prayed together
and you're all...
Had your hoodie on,
your glasses on.
I never knew until I read
your book that you were high
as a kite that day.
Yeah, I was high every day.
It was like my, my Starbucks.
The coffee shop
in Bakersfield
where I met Eric Powers
to, uh...
I don't know. I just...
He knew I was searching.
I remember he got me a Bible
and he put my name on it,
you know.
Whatever they...
At the store, they...
put my name on the Bible
and so he said,
"If you have any questions
about all this stuff,
let me know and we could talk."
And he didn't push.
He never pushed.
And that was... I really,
really liked that about him,
you know, and...
You know, I was like, "I can't
pray and ask Jesus in my heart
when I'm on drugs.
I thought I had to like
get off drugs
and then go to church."
You know, it's just,
I was just out of my mind.
And I had no concept
of what God was like, so...
This is it.
I walked in. I had my hood up.
Had a backpack with me
with all the stuff
I could tweak on
if I needed whatever.
Um...
I just, I remember
feeling that peace.
I-it was weird,
'cause I went from, like,
just total gutter
up all night on meth
and not any sleep and just,
you know, trying to hide
u-up here
and just feelin' like...
Just a feeling I never felt
before, you know. Just a...
There was a drawing of God
to his heart.
And it would go away because
obviously I was on drugs, but...
You know, but it was just
God drawing me in.
And I just checked
into a hotel
expecting to be there a week.
I checked out in a day or two.
Walking outside,
lookin' at the trees
and the sun and just goin'...
"Why don't I feel horribly?
Why am I not sleeping?
Why am I not barkin'
someone's head off?
Why am I not in fits of rage?"
Somebody told me,
"God wants you to go home
and clean out your house."
I found a first-aid kit.
I opened it
and the 8-ball of crystal meth
fell out of it.
I dove into that...
like it was the ocean.
So I was like,
"How do I know this is real?"
Like, I was just like...
I was so double-minded
and just scattered
'cause of that last binge
and everything.
And one of the last nights
I was doing drugs, I...
I-I-I started grabbing
my Bible.
I got my Bible out again.
I started reading it
and flippin' the pages
and it was like the scriptures
were, like, goin'
poppin' out at me, talkin'
to things in my, in my life
and I was, like, I'd shut it
'cause it'd freak me out,
then I'd do it again.
And I was just thinkin', I was
like, "How do I know though?"
Like, it just seems too crazy,
like...
How many people call Christians
brainwashed?
What if I'm gettin' brainwashed
and I'm imagining all this?
What if it's drugs
that's makin' me think?
All of a sudden, just...
instant, like, eternal hug
and it was a feeling
of unconditional love
and forgiveness and it was like
God comin' in the room
sayin', "I am real
and I'm the father
of every person on Earth."
And I-I just looked up
and I just said, "Father."
For the first time in my life,
I felt like I was home.
It was like a feeling
of a spiritual beauty
and purity that was so beautiful
that words can't express it.
I'm just trying my best.
The next day...
I threw away all my drugs...
I dropped to my knees
and said...
"God...
did I pass the test?
Am I too late?
I'm yours. This is it."
The music world is buzzing.
Brian Welch AKA Head
announced he was leaving Korn.
Brian's former bandmates
from Korn
declined CNN's request
for an interview.
But in a statement said that
Korn respects Brian's wishes
and hopes he finds the
happiness he's searching for.
One night, I get an e-mail,
a long e-mail...
and I read through it
and I was like,
"This is crazy. Is this,
is this really happening?"
He's like,
"Jennea, I'm quitting Korn.
I-I'm gonna stay home,"
and I'm like...
And I remember my six-year-old
mind, I was like...
"Wait, is that even allowed?"
I'm gonna show
through my actions
how much I love my fans.
I'm kickin' it off next Sunday
a-at Valley Bible.
I'm gonna speak how I got
to this place in my life.
You wanna leave the band, fine.
We gotta do this a way
where you quietly leave
and don't do all this shit,
but he's like,
"No, God's tellin' me to do this
and God's tellin..."
I'm like, I'm gonna...
I fucking hate
these motherfuckers, man.
"God's not telling,
your fucking head's telling you.
Now chill the fuck out."
So he drove his ass down
to the radio station
and just announced it
right in the middle
of our negotiating the deal.
So I wanted to kill
this motherfucker.
I was on drugs
in this church even
couple of times, I was...
I had addiction to... meth.
Methamphetamine.
I think
that was an act of love...
for himself and his daughter.
Mainly for his daughter.
I came to a point, I was like,
I didn't wanna live
and I was just goin',
"Why don't I wanna live?
I got, I got the car I want,
the house I want.
You know, I got everything
I want, don't I?"
Then there's,
that's how God talks to you.
He's like, "No."
But I got everything I want.
Look at,
look at my bank account.
I can't even keep it all
in there.
"No."
And then, um...
And here I am. I'm so happy.
You know, when he did,
we're like it didn't matter.
We're like, "Let's press on.
Let's...
We're gonna be even better, one
guitar player, we're gonna..."
And just had this attitude
t-to still do it and make it.
A long time, I hated his ass.
I was like...
This is just not cool.
What the fuck happened
to my fuckin' band?
"Bad Reputation"
by Joan Jett
I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation
You're living in the past
it's a new generation
A girl can do what
she wants to do
And that's what
I'm gonna do
And I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation
I'm on fire for the Lord
and everyone's
gonna watch me burn.
Burn in a good way.
And I don't really care
if you think I'm strange
I ain't gonna change
And I'm never gonna care
'bout my bad reputation
Whoa no no no no no no
Not me me me me me me me
Whoa no no no no no no
Not me me me me me me me
Pedal boys
Whoa no no no no no no
Not me me me me me me me
Sellin' all of them?
Since he played so good,
um, he won those.
It was from MTV.
They're just awards.
That conversation with Jennea
when I told her
that I was gonna,
that I quit my band
and I was gonna be home
with her
was just like...
Her face just lit up
and she was just, like,
takin' it all in, like...
Never in her life
did she have a parent home.
One that wasn't gonna leave.
I didn't really r-remember
my mom when I was younger.
I...
I knew she was out there,
but I didn't really...
I, I don't know.
I pictured some...
I don't know, some, like,
dirty blond-haired,
like, tall woman
in, like, a cardigan
and like a skirt,
like a long skirt.
I don't know why,
like the ideal mom.
But she came
in her, like, miniskirt
and, like, the tattoos
and she's like, "Ah!"
I love you so much.
So...
So that was that.
You know, you think
you're makin'
the, the best choices for...
for your daughter and everything
and it's just like...
It's just hard, man.
It's just...
'Cause I was, like,
following God.
I was like, I wanted...
I wanted to go
to where I needed to be
to get to my destiny in Him...
and I also wanted
to be a good father.
But I immediately started makin'
bad choices after I quit Korn.
I was like, I hired a nanny.
And I'm like,
"Here, take care of my daughter,
I'm gonna go write music."
That guy was fucked
up on speed and of course,
he's gonna naturally do that.
It's...
He found his thing
to make him stop.
So I'm sure he was gonna go
150 percent into it
because he's just so fucked up
on the other thing.
And it's good.
I-if you use religion
to get off somethin' harmful,
then that's...
Go for it.
Don't think, I just have...
My problem with Christians
and Christianity
is their fuckin'
assimilation tactics.
Everybody's out to assimilate
you into their fold.
You know, "You're fuckin'
goin' to hell
and you need Jesus and..."
It's just fucking irritating.
Nobody wants to hear
that shit.
If they're lookin' for it,
they'll go find it.
- I'm home.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Good to see you again.
I told Phil, "You know what?
I need to go to church
so that I understand
what's happening to him."
Because I don't understand
how can anybody do this.
How can you change so suddenly?
I was really scared.
Brian, pour some chips in there
and we'll just put
a bowl of chips on.
Eventually, uh, Phil started
going to church with me.
And then...
Because of the same reason.
He was bothered by the fact
that Brian, um,
was so suddenly...
a Christian.
I spent most of my life
until Brian's conversion...
as kind of an agnostic.
Maybe there is,
maybe there isn't, I don't know.
God, our Father,
who art in heaven,
we're so blessed to have our son
here for a short visit.
Uh, we miss him,
he's gone a lot.
We thank You
for all of your blessings.
Please bless this food
we're about to eat.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
I feel better about myself.
I don't, I don't get his...
riled up and uptight...
kind of go with the flow,
you know.
God's in control.
I woke up at, uh, at 5:20,
went runnin'.
The watch that Fred Durst
bought me.
From Limp Bizkit.
I appreciate the gift,
but I'm not about diamonds
or money or nothin' anymore.
Man, how do I pay a phone bill?
In other words,
living in the Holy Land
will not make them holy.
Hey, Jennea, get down, please.
Alright, every time
I listen to it, I cry.
He was there with me
when I did it.
So no one can ever...
Can I, can I call
a bunch of friends?
- No.
- Please.
Jennea, just give me someone
you wanna call right now.
Like, I said, when I was up
there, I'm not afraid
of nothin', man.
Today proved it again.
I used to be afraid!
I moved to Phoenix just
to get away from everything.
I wanted to start over.
I was like, "Jesus, I want you
to be my role model.
I want you to take me, do
anything you want to my life."
When I moved from Bakersfield,
I had a few million dollars
in the bank.
I was off on a mission, to help
the world to use that money,
to change the world.
And so in 2009, I lost,
I lost my Beamer.
I lost... It had 22-inch rims.
It was like
I had to relearn everything
with this faith
that I was living with.
I got cheated out
of that Christian guy.
He was actually a gangster
from New York.
And when he did business,
he'd rip people off.
His family was like
in the mafia type of stuff.
I lost everything.
I lost my house.
Every company that I chose
to get involved with
crashed and burned
within like three or four years.
And I got to a point in 2009
where I was looking for quarters
in my drawers to buy my daughter
lunch at school.
He had been physical,
punching holes in walls
and like screaming and like...
saying like, "Eff you, God!
Why did you do this to me?"
I was just irresponsible
for Jennea.
You just give me somethin',
just give me somethin'.
I open my bible
and I land on the scripture,
like if you have food and
clothing, be content with that.
I'm like, "Dang it!"
I wasn't scared.
I was more... sad.
And my spirit's fighting
to live in faith.
So it was like a baby,
you know.
You take away the bottle,
all of a sudden, the baby...
I guess I didn't understand
why he did those things.
I end up puttin' down
my first Christian record,
I start a label
and I'm like,
"I'm gonna get
a Christian band signed
and I'm gonna get
the word out there.
Finally, God,
after all that stuff."
The record company...
You know, it took
a couple of years
to untangle the web
of just knots
and it was just like
a, a world of, like, negativity
that was just...
tryin' to hold on to you
for dear life,
that was just tryin'
to bring me down,
but I was in Nashville
startin' a new life.
It was like a different planet.
It was almost like
a fresh start.
I assumed things
were gonna be different.
But I realized that it was...
it was hard letting go...
of friends and what-not,
so that made it harder to accept
that the change was good.
She just couldn't
connect with anybody and...
and it just got worse
from then on and...
she just became more withdrawn
and...
Of course,
a lot of things did affect me.
Like, my mom being gone
and my dad not being the most...
emotionally-dependable.
Her life was so unlike...
every other girl
in this neighborhood
that it was hard for her
to relate to those girls
and for those girls
to relate to her.
So that brings
about insecurities,
doubt, fear.
It's hard bein' a young girl.
I can only imagine how hard
it is bein' a young girl
of a single dad
on the road on tour.
Things got worse for her.
So why don't I try
takin' her on the road?
She would do her homework
at like 3 a.m. some nights
and just we'd crash at, like, 4.
We are in a van.
People offered her drugs
a couple of times.
It was just like...
I can't win.
Life was awful.
I didn't wanna feel this way,
but I did.
And so I tried other things
that I felt like would feel
better and would help.
But it, like, made it worse.
It sunk back.
The truth was that
I was hurting.
And that I didn't know why,
and I wanted someone to help me.
He called me one day
and I remember his voice.
There was determination,
fear and love, all combined.
And basically, he was, he was
asking for help and guidance,
uh, with his daughter.
I've made a mess out of my life.
Um, I'm reborn.
My daughter is...
is lost in this world
that I've created for her.
Well, I think
it was the shock value.
- I really do.
- Right.
And she was trying
to cover the pain
and the vulnerability
with the, the shock
and the hardness
and the rock and roll
and, you know...
I went from like one
of the biggest rock stars to...
an out-of-work single dad.
I've always struggled
with anger
even after I became a Christian
and I wasn't...
a perfect father by any means.
I almost mimicked my dad.
Like, I, I got physical.
I flipped tables.
I would have bursts
of rage with her,
just with life,
because I was stressed out
tryin' to hold on to faith.
I guess I kind of learned that
he did to take off frustration,
I picked up too.
Because I didn't know
of any other way.
We were home after a tour
and she was just like,
we were fighting
and I was blowin' up.
I ransacked the house.
I screamed, "Eff you!"
"Eff you! I effin' hate you!"
She just started fallin'...
fallin' down a deeper hole
from then on to, uh,
you know, depression...
suicidal thoughts,
sayin' suggestive things that
no father wants
their teenage daughter
to say online
for everyone to read.
I told him
we need to have a plan
and, and we need
a nuclear button.
The nuclear option
was to find a facility
that Jennea could go to
and live in
and learn life skills
with loving people
and peers around her.
One day she got so mad...
she says, "I cut myself
because of you"
and starts bursting into tears.
Puberty,
social media experimentation,
discovering who she was
without having
any consistent friends her age
around.
I mean, she was freefalling.
I just wanted someone
to realize I'm hurting.
I'm here, I'm, I am aching.
What do I do?
It's gonna be tough
because Jennea's still gonna be
on tour with you.
We can do Skype sessions.
And we can do it once a week.
But basically,
it's going to be like...
small cups of water
we're trying to get out
of the sinking boat
when buckets of water
are just being poured in.
I just got out of the
shower and I looked at myself
and I just started crying
and I was bawling.
And I said, "I effin' hate you.
You're a whore."
I had heard if you drink
enough soap, it would kill you.
And so I drink a bunch of soap
and...
Sorry, I need a...
She's like, "I hate you.
I hate you and I hate my life.
I wanna die."
And all of it
was hitting the ground
with her at one time.
We had to stop it.
And I would just be
like at the point,
I'm gonna just like,
"Fuck you, God.
Who are you? Like, why didn't
you let me die from the drugs?
Like, everything's goin' wrong.
Like, I try all this stuff.
I follow you,
I give, I give to the poor.
I, I...
I did,
I gave up everything for you.
And now my daughter's
cutting herself."
I have, like, I can't control
my rage. I'm stressed out.
I have nobody that wants
to come to the concerts.
I'm just like fuck it all.
Stop in the name of love
Before you break my heart
I love you so much,
you know that?
I really, really, really do.
The camera?
I'll tell the whole world.
I'll get on my knees
and tell you
I love you, Jennea.
I'll kiss your foot.
During Christmas 2012,
she cut her arms from here
to all the way up to here.
Shoulder to wrist, both arms,
while we were at my mom's
and it just, like,
freaked me out.
That's when I set into motion
to take her to Awakening Youth
ran by Tiffany and Travis.
She just was broken.
Broken into pieces
and she was just falling,
and it was like,
"Give your dad a hug. Goodbye."
That was rough, man.
She's all he has.
She's all he has.
And so to, um...
to put all that you have
somewhere else...
is really hard.
I cried.
When he said he was gonna
take her to that school
and I knew,
but it was the thing to do.
Yeah, exactly,
he had to do that.
I was so sad that it had come
to that point.
Because when he took her
to that school,
it was basically
an intervention.
And, uh..
she flipped out, of course.
It was weird
not getting my way,
if that makes sense.
It was...
it was humbling, of course,
but it was like, "Well,
she's not going to give in."
That's weird.
I challenge them.
Like I said with Brian,
you're inviting me
into your life.
Like, you're not, this isn't
a service. This isn't a...
You know, I'm not just gonna,
this isn't a nanny.
This is, like,
a life experience.
We're-we're joining
in this together
for your daughter's benefit,
for her life.
She needed a mother figure...
in her life, and not that
Tiffany's her mother at all,
but, like, it's a female
who is speaking nothing
but strengthening stuff
into her life.
And loving her
with tough love...
and feminine love...
all at once that she needs,
you know,
in order to make her
a stronger person.
She was very
confrontational in the beginning
that we would try to take her
mother or her father's place.
There is a context,
there is a mom.
Uh, there was a love story.
I don't think I-I can read it.
You don't think...
Would you like me to read it?
It's okay.
"Mom, hi.
Dad told me that you have tried
to contact me.
I feel that it's best that
we aren't in contact right now.
There have been many situations
in my life
where I have been disappointed
by you.
And I think that it's best
for both of us
to focus on ourselves
and what we have
right in front of us.
I'm not mad at you and I do not
have hard feelings against you.
I just think that this is the
most beneficial option for me
and you.
Take care of Elanah and you
and focus on being her rock
in her life.
Sincerely, Jennea."
I am, I'm truly at peace,
like, with all that.
Like, I think,
I think I communicated,
like, what I needed to be, so...
This is, uh, kind
of a death-taking place
but like a new life
is birthing, too, and it's...
If you think about birth,
it's, it's always, uh,
messy and painful,
but then afterwards
you get to hold a miracle.
Being away from my dad
is definitely hard.
Like, you can't deny the fact
that it is emotional.
And even right now
I think I'm gonna cry
'cause I kind of miss him,
I don't wanna be away from him.
But for this period of time,
I cannot be... successful
being with him 24-7.
We went through guitar players
and guitar players
and guitar...
No one's ever gonna fill
that role
until somebody can come
that can bring it like Head did
and have moves like a rock star
like Head does,
and have the presence
that he had.
All those things have
to be better than what he was
before anybody comes out
on that stage right there.
Never happened.
It was really hard.
When Brian left the band,
it was...
all joking aside,
I was devastated, I really was.
Really, it was like
a three-legged dog
kind of hopping along the side
of the freeway.
That's how it felt
without him there.
He was just funny as Head,
just...
When he'd walk in the room,
he'd light it up
and he'd just walk
across the room
and not, like, think things over
just like a cartoon character.
I mean, that's the most thing
I missed about him.
Being without him on the road,
I didn't have any of that.
It was just like,
you know, normalcy.
I was on tour
with Love And Death
opening for P.O.D.
They had some shows
at a rock festival
and I was like,
"Let me take Jennea
to the show with you guys."
Korn actually was the band
headlining.
I didn't let that stop me.
All of a sudden, me and my dad
were walking
towards Munky's bus.
Reggie goes, "We're putting you
on Munk's bus right now."
And it was kind of funny,
I was there witnessing
the whole thing
and we're like, "Wow.
Hope they come out huggin'
and not swingin', you know."
At this point, I've been
sober for a couple years
and I was feeling like,
you know, like I could sit down
and talk with him one-on-one
and have a... just a normal,
catch up.
I didn't care about the band,
I-I didn't...
Only thing I cared about
is making sure I had
his phone number, so we could
call each other, you know.
Just asking forgiveness
for everything, you know,
just 'cause we've known
each other so long.
Kind of emotional, you know,
it was crazy.
I understood.
The moment I saw his face,
I was like, "Wow,
it all made sense."
Jennea was with him
reminding me that
she's here with him
because that's why
he had to leave
and-and then, that-that just
stays in the back your mind
when you're sitting there
havin' a conversation.
Then they come out laughing
and that was a huge ice breaker
right there.
- Here we go, boys.
- Does he know?
- No.
- Can I hang out?
Dude, come on. I'm buying.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- You hear that?
- Mm-hm.
Brian Head Welch getting up
to play "Blind" with us.
Over 30,000 peeps
in North Cackalacky.
"Blind" by Korn
I wanna bring out
one of my truest
and oldest
and most beloved old friends.
My boy!
You guys ready to get crazy?
This is where it all began,
people!
Are you ready?
"Blind" by Korn
Oh
There's a place
inside my brain
Another kind of pain
It seemed
it might set him high again,
'cause usually
it's just Reggie there
and now he was up there.
It just felt really good,
it felt right.
It felt like the band is like...
and everything was right.
And, uh, all I can do
was just fucking cry, man.
I don't know, just one
of those things that just,
you just know, you know,
like for some reason,
it was not right
for, like, eight years
and then it just opened up.
God opened the doors up
and it was just right.
God bless you.
Goodnight, people, we love you!
I could tell that there was,
like he just felt... happy.
I went home,
got a phone call from Munky.
He said, "Hey, we're going
to start writing a record."
I... He was, "I don't want to
make this about you coming back,
because I love to see you
as my old friend
and I love to be reconnected
with you, so...
But i-if you feel like
you wanna do this,
door's open, let us know."
I was, like,
"Well, are you gonna do it?"
I finally flew down there
to get together with them.
It was instantly, like, just...
a positive energy in the room.
We went and ate at my
parents' house, all of us.
Like old friends
just eating dinner together,
breaking bread, you know,
and...
Wrote with them another month
and just hung out
and wrote down and...
and it just got better,
and better, and better.
It's just, it's amazing.
We hadn't hung out
in a long time, so...
just being able
to hang out with him,
I could see how he really was.
Then there is no problem.
He's not a preachy motherfucker
at all.
All I can say is
God has a plan
and it could be
the simple thing
of grabbing these five guys
together,
become best friends again.
Now it's, like, it's deeper.
We're stronger when
we're all together, for sure.
And, um,
I don't know what it is,
but this thing
has become bigger than us.
Okay, my life
as I knew it is changing,
and for a teenager,
that's like catastrophic.
Whereas for you and I,
it's like, "Okay,
this is only
for a little while."
An adult kind of wait it out.
For them, it's like,
"Oh, my goodness,
this is this huge
life-changing event..."
I was not for him
going back to Korn.
Like, if this isn't right
for your daughter,
if we tell you that you need
to leave, then you'll leave.
I'm not gonna get attached
to this kid
and build this relationship
and, and all of this
if you're gonna do something
destructive
or you're gonna self-destruct
or, you know...
And Brian very humbly said,
"Absolutely, I left it once,
I'll leave it again."
"I left it once,
I'll leave it again."
I know
you're not a little girl,
but we'll do something fun.
- I just wanted to...
- Thanks.
He has matured amazingly.
Him even managing his emotions
and him learning
how to talk to me
and taking the time to...
That's really important for me,
is that he...
No matter if he's in,
I don't know...
Germany or some other place,
he will make time for me.
T-shirt rolled up
to his shoulders
Six-inch sideburns
and a pompadour
Old lady with a diaper...
A two-pack habit
Pushing a baby stroller
My daddy
was a rock and roller
My daddy was
A rock and roller
Oh, my God!
My daddy was
A rock and roller
Hoo
Hoo
Hoo
Hoo
Or probably driving down
the street
I said we're driving
We're driving driving
driving around the street
Told us that he was gonna start
working with Korn again.
I think we were both happy.
That that's where
he needed to be.
There was some trepidation
about...
can he do this?
So am I picking you up
in my bus, right?
Sorry.
You're gonna see people...
It wouldn't make sense
if I was doing awful
and he was doing good
or if he was doing awful
and I was doing good.
It's like,
this, this works for now.
Like, I'm cool with this.
There's a time
that you have to walk away
and you have to go...
and let God cleanse your soul.
It's like on Halloween,
when we get the, the pumpkins
and we scoop out all the guts
and that stuff, and put
the candle, that light in there.
He-he scooped out all that crap
out of me for eight years
and, and he put that light
inside of me, you know.
That's what needed to happen
and now I'm going back.
By the leading of the Lord
to my people
to hang out with them.
I'll tell you
the truth, I didn't see it,
and I understand
people that are concerned
and stuff like that, you know.
Some people are just hateful
and they're like,
"Oh, I guess the dog's
returning to his vomit."
I'm just being me.
Yeah!
I'll never
Oklahoma City,
you all still with us?
I'm never gonna love again
Oh
Never never never
Sing it!
Aa-aa-aa-ah
I'll never love again
Never gonna have to try
to pretend
Never never never
You, too. Love you, man.
Good seeing you.
You know how girls get
when they're teenagers.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, dude. Heck, yeah.
This is what happened
three and a half years ago.
Lord, this is not a joke,
this stuff right here.
You know, some people walk away,
some people laugh at this stuff,
I know I was one of them,
but you are so real
and I'm asking you right now
in front of all these people
that you'd become real
to these people,
'cause you are
the best high ever.
And it's about, that we are
jacked up, all of us,
and that we need you
to forgive us,
so just, so just come in
and let them feel forgiven,
let them feel brand-new
and give them wings to fly
the rest of their lives
in Jesus' name.
Amen.
Love you, guys. Yeah.
It all seems
to make sense in my mind.
God puts us through things
so we can be prepared
for the next thing.
He's been fathering her
over there
and he's gifting her
and she's blossoming
into this person that...
Yeah, he's teaching her
that he's-he's her father.
God does a lot better than me
as dad, you know.
But I'm her dad, too, you know.
I'm-I'm like little D.
We got the straps, okay?
Ally, dress is taken care of,
it's too big.
Um, straps for Maddy G.
I have always wanted this
in my life.
Normal friends, normal... home,
normal times where I do things.
I finally have it.
Like, I finally got
what I asked for.
So, Jennea, of everything
that's gonna happen tomorrow,
like, what's the one thing
that you're, like,
most excited about?
Oh, my gosh.
Um...
I think what I'm most
excited about
would have to be
seeing my dad.
Um, but...
I'm really excited to dance.
Like any other
young teenager,
I struggled with low self-esteem
and peer pressure.
Those things really took
a toll on me
and I found myself
at a rock bottom.
And words cannot express
how grateful I am
and how much growth
I have gone through
and how much transformation
and healing I have gone through.
God has completely
shown Himself to me
and it's been amazing.
You know, God allows
things to come into your life
to feel like
it's crushing you...
because it squeezes out
all of the impurities.
That's how you get cleaned
in your soul.
I see that now.
It is just like if you could
just hang on there,
just hang to watch what I do...
I'm gonna restore all things.
You guys can go home now.
Promises that I made
You should ignore
The future that I painted
I can't afford
I know that it seems
That I left you no choice
I fell down on my knees
And I begged
your forgiveness
Consequences of a lie
Failed redemption
though I tried
Maybe someday
I'll get it right
So I'm sorry to say
I didn't want it all
Sorry to wake you
I didn't need it all
I never wanted it
To hurt
No
Korn! Korn! Korn!
Korn! Korn! Korn!
Korn! Korn! Korn!
Korn! Korn! Korn!
Korn! Korn! Korn! Korn!
Thank you,
motherfuckers, so much!
Fieldy and Head
from the band Korn
whose album Issues
hits stores today.
And the winner is...
Korn, "Freak On A Leash."
I'd like to thank
this band right here,
the hardest workin' band
in rock and roll.
The band is named Korn
and they are celebrating
in New England.
I wanted to mention one thing
before we get too much farther
into the show.
Korn rules.
I'm Kurt Loder with MTV News
this hour with Chris Rock
on the late comic Phil Hartman.
First though,
there's a baby boom of sorts
going on in the music world
at the moment.
Korn has had to cancel
this Saturday's Ozzfest date
in England in order to allow
guitarist Brian Welch
to jet back to the States
to be with his wife
who is due to give birth
imminently.
And there's the inevitable...
The day Jennea was born
was, like, the most euphoric...
miraculous unconditional love,
like total...
purity in the room.
But...
I think deep down inside of me,
I knew I was incapable...
of being what she needed
and deserved.
"Man on Fire" by Edward Sharpe
and the Magnetic Zeros
I'm a man on fire
Walking through your street
With one guitar
And two dancing feet
Only one desire
That's left in me
I want the whole damn world
To come dance with me
Oh
Come dance with me
Over murder and pain
Come and set you free
Over heartache and shame
I wanna see
our bodies burning
Like the old big sun
I wanna know
what we've been learning
And learning from
Everybody want safety
Safety love
Everybody want comfort
Comfort love
Everybody wants certain
Certain love
Everybody
But me
When you're a kid
and you're serious
about playin' music
or serious about somethin'
in your life,
you have these dreams about,
you know, wanting to do stuff
in your life,
you know, whether to be
a fireman or a policeman
or work with animals
or a rock star.
He was like a normal kid.
You know, if you see the picture
of him in junior high,
you know, he had on Dockers and
a button down shirt and he...
Short hair and...
Then high school came.
I don't think
he thought he fit in.
He discovered fairly early
that hard rock music.
Remember the Ozzy Osbourne
and...
Yeah.
I don't know,
Black Sabbath and...
Some of those posters he had
even when he was 10,
12 years old,
on-on his bedroom walls.
And I used to walk down
the hallway at home
and poke my head in and say,
"Would you, please, play
'Ghost Riders In The Sky'
so I can recognize
what you're playing?"
Oh, hey, dude.
There's no, there's no metal
on this one.
Here we go.
We were just
a normal family, you know.
My mom and dad worked
pretty much at, you know,
8 to 4, 9 to 5 type of job
and, you know, we, uh...
My school was at the end of the
cul-de-sac, so that was cool.
I'm hot
And when I'm not
I'm cold as ice
To, like,
be given that dream...
I mean, it couldn't have got
bigger for us.
It was just like,
"Are you serious?"
"Blind" by Korn
He's like,
"I wanna start a band.
You know, I got a drummer."
He said,
"I need a bass player."
He's like, "Bass is easy,
you just kinda, just ride E."
I'm like, "Cool."
There's always been
a, a back and forth
with our guitar playing.
I mean, both of us are playing
guitar. It's like one person.
He had something
that no one ever heard before.
When Korn came out, I was like,
"What in the fuck is this?"
We hear all the time that
he's a genius at what he does.
I couldn't recognize that,
you know.
Well, partly because of the type
of music they play.
Are you ready?
Big as Korn was,
I would still be
callin' my dad.
"Dad, my album went number one."
He's like, "What? That's great."
Backstreet Boys number two,
NSYNC three,
Britney Spears four,
and I'm like, "How are we..."
I almost thought it was like,
"Are we... Is this conspiracy?
Are we gettin' punked
or somethin'?"
It was a blur because not only
were we partying every night...
A-and you know,
we're at city, city, city, city.
So it just becomes like,
"Do you remember that tour?"
Not even that night.
It's like the, the ultimate way
of everything
you could ever want.
It was fuckin' amazing.
You don't have to wake up
and go to work in the morning.
None of that shit.
It's just having fun.
And plus, I had a life.
I didn't, I wasn't...
I didn't party or do anything
when I was growing up.
I was the outcast kid. Everyone
thought I was a fag and shit.
So I didn't have... I didn't get
to do any of that shit.
So once I got in the band, I was
like, "Oh, shit, here we go."
Go
Fieldy, Jonathan and Head
from the band Korn.
Fight!
Something on the dum na ema
Fight somethings they fight
Something takes
a part of me
And young hip music lovers
are eating up
the Korn's newest album.
I had everything.
I had to make people believe
that I was happy
when I had everything.
When on you're on TV every day,
when you have the checks
rollin' in,
when you have sold out
arena shows, it's like...
They're like,
"Oh, man, you have it all."
"Man, you're like the..."
"You see Brian,
he's doin' so good."
"See the Korn guys, they're
doin' so good, they have..."
"Man."
I had to play that role.
That everyone thought
I had everything,
so I had to act like...
I was happy
and things were okay.
And my dad,
I guess I wanted to show him
that I can make it on my own
and, and be okay and...
My mom,
I didn't want to worry, so...
So I just... It was just...
I lived a lie.
I'm gonna get you, pancake.
I'm gonna get you, dirty bag.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
You and me, pancake, you and me.
Yeah.
Hi. How's it goin'?
Check her out sideways.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thought he was bigger than that.
He's gotta go through that,
is it?
To me,
I knew something was missing
because I was trying
to fill an empty space
with somethin'
that was hurtin' me.
Ice Cube Studio with a fucking
ice chest full of crystal.
You know it.
Oh! You knocked over my beer.
Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, fuck you.
The alcohol, like every day.
Not just a couple of drinks
a couple of times a week
with some friends,
like every day.
There goes, there goes...
Just self-medicating
with drugs and...
Mainly drugs.
No, no,
don't mix Xanax and beer.
Encore.
- You got some?
- Encore.
- You got some?
- Xanax?
- Smells good.
- It does, doesn't it?
We should put it in a
handkerchief and we'll huff it.
There was no sense
of any responsibility, I think.
That's what it was
and, uh, it just enables us
it enables you to just act
however you want.
Let's start the set.
Let's start the set.
You got the meth lined
out,
you roll up your bill,
you lean down,
make sure the hair doesn't
wipe it away like a broom,
snort it...
and then it's just like...
He was so mad.
I went down the hallway,
I was goin'...
I was goin',
"Man, she's in pain again."
Where's the epidural lady?
It was just beautiful
to me, you know.
It's like, this little baby,
this, a miracle came
into the world
and I was there
when she came into the world.
I was there.
She is cute, huh?
I was totally just in love
with the whole experience and
the, and the baby and everything
but when I got home,
it was like...
There was like a fear
that came on me, like,
"Oh, my gosh.
This is, this is a big deal.
There's like another person
that lives here now
and I'm responsible
for this person."
So I'm just like,
I was frightened
and my wife came and she's like,
"Are you in there? What are you
doin'? I need to use that."
or somethin' like that,
and I was in the bathroom,
and I open the door and she
just saw me, just bawling.
My wife just held me there
for a little bit.
I was just scared
that I was gonna screw up
the kid
like I was screwin' up myself.
Make sure I don't suck.
I've only been playing a year,
so all playing playing.
Like, actually...
You might have
genetic advantage.
- I don't think so.
- Really?
I don't, I don't think
that's how it works.
I played that second one wrong.
It's actually...
You told us in the
car the other day
that you wanted, uh,
to be a singer.
Yes.
Because you felt like...
it would give you a voice.
Yes.
What do you wanna say?
Um... what do I wanna say?
Um...
Hm.
It felt like forever,
but I was at home for one month
after Jennea was born.
I'm a new person,
I'm gonna be a great dad,
I didn't drink
and I stopped smoking.
And I was kind of bragging
to my guys.
I was like, "My life changed."
And the next thing you know,
they're like,
"Hey, let's go watch
Rage Against The Machine."
Let's get some beers."
And I was like...
"Hm, I'll just have
a couple of beers."
What I was afraid of...
I was just like...
I was just stepping right back
into those same patterns.
We knew
something was wrong with him,
but we weren't smart enough
to figure it was drugs.
And he was a master
at hiding it,
but I should have known when...
I mean, I feel guilty
about that. When I...
Hindsight is always better,
but I should've seen the signs.
I, I should have too.
But we, we didn't see him
that often.
In our defense,
we didn't see him that often
and when we did,
he was flitting.
You know how he is.
He's just...
And he would crash
when he'd come home a lot.
And I think part of that was...
what he was ingesting.
Mm.
I wanna say that...
there is hope and...
that, like,
life doesn't have to...
be just a drag.
No one is on Earth
just because...
Like, there is,
there is a purpose
for everyone being alive.
Welcome to
the show, ladies and gentlemen.
It's Monday night. I'm just back
from Woodstock and Korn Rules.
Am I right? Huh?
God bless you.
"Blind" by Korn
The day of the concert
was great.
I was clean for a while.
It felt good.
There was no drugs in my system.
I was excited and everything.
"Blind" by Korn
We had an awesome slot.
We went on, like,
right when it got dark.
So, we had
the, like, the lights,
we had the, the sound,
we had everything.
And, you know...
it just crushed.
"Blind" by Korn
Ended up drinkin',
ended up snorting coke.
Me and my wife might have
even took ecstasy.
Got on the chartered jet home
with Ice Cube and Limp Bizkit
and Korn and people snorting
Tylenol Pm
to try to get to sleep
'cause they couldn't sleep
the night before
'cause of the coke.
And I was just trying
to take care of the baby and...
Yeah, Rebekah, she went off
in the deep end
and drank more and more
and got psychotic
and ended up attacking me
and I ended up punchin' her
in the face and...
split her nose open.
Blood went everywhere and...
she ended up passing out
on the marble floor.
My daughter in the next room
sleepin',
my wife on the floor bloody
and, and me, uh...
just bawled up, just... crying.
Just thinking and saying, like,
"Why does the American dream
look like a nightmare?"
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Dear Nea
Happy birthday to you
We were down
for Jennea's birthday...
and that's when Rebekah
basically walked away.
I'd thought she'd just
kind of flipped out.
I mean, it was,
she came to her party late
with, with a couple
of skinheads that she was...
What the hell's goin' on here,
you know, with everyone?
I couldn't believe
it was happening to me.
The punk rock gang of people
that moved into my house
when I was on the road
with Metallica and...
my wife sleepin'
with another man
while my kid's runnin' around
the house.
I was horrified
at what she might've saw
with those skinheads
at that house.
So he flies home...
gets her and takes her back
on the road with him.
I had to take over
and I, and I did.
I took her on the road and
stopped messin' with cocaine.
Stopped takin' Xanax pills
and...
did what I had to do.
"Nothing In This World"
by The Kinks
Met a girl fell in love
glad as I can
Be-e-e-e
Met a girl fell in love
Glad as I can be
Wait, baby bum.
But I think all the time
is she true
To me-e-e-e?
'Cause there's nothin'
in this world
To stop me
worryin' 'bout that
Gi-i-i-irl
I found out I was wrong
she was just
Two timin-n-n-n'
I found out I was wrong
she just kept on
Lyi-i-i-in'
Now she tries to tell
the truth and I just can't
Belie-e-e-eve
'Cause there's nothin'
in this world
To stop me
worryin' 'bout that
Gi-i-i-irl
'Cause there's nothin'
in this world
To stop me worryin'
'Bout that gi-i-i-irl
It's funny.
I love you, daddy.
Aww. I love you too.
- Who's that?
- Jennea.
I have plenty of memories
from when my dad was in Korn.
I-I was little, but I...
I don't know why,
uh, they just stuck.
rock music
I mean, if we're gonna be,
like, real here, like...
I mean, I saw, like...
I saw, like, naked chicks,
like, walking around backstage.
Like, I saw, like,
girls making out,
like, in the crowd.
Like, I...
I don't know, I've...
Like, all of that.
Hey, Jennea,
look in the camera.
- Jennea, look at him.
- Jennea!
Jennea, peek-a-boo!
- Never, ever... Jennea--
- Say hi to the camera.
Jennea! Never talk
to a guy that looks like this.
Go that way.
- Jennea.
- Or a girl.
Jennea. Jennea.
It changed my perspective
on how I saw other people
in the world.
How I saw a man and a woman
together in their marriage.
I... That definitely...
It changed
how I saw, like, love.
Whoo-whee,
smoke 'em if you got 'em.
- Hey, Jennea--
- Jennea.
Are you confused?
Are you confused?
She's tired.
But she'll be rockin' on stage,
right?
Tough times for us.
A lot of people watched Jennea
over the years.
A lot.
Oh, look, Jennea, there's...
When they moved to
Bakersfield, we would watch her
and this other couple
came with 'em
and they took care of Jennea.
- When he was out on the road.
- Yeah.
When I think
about home, I think about
the one in Bakersfield.
It was a big house.
Britney Spears!
We had, like, a crazy,
like, a huge pool
with, like, a bridge over it
and I had a huge
Hello Kitty themed room
and I never slept in it.
I always s-slept on the couch
o-or the guest room.
Hey, did I scare you guys?
To be honest,
I didn't know what family was.
I just thought
it was a word that meant
people who were related
to each other.
I didn't think
it meant anything else.
I'm still figuring it out.
Go, Jennea! Woohoo!
She's up on the blocks.
Standin' on her blocks.
- Take your mark!
- She took her mark.
There she goes.
Go, Nea, go! Go, go, go!
Go, Nea, go, go!
Well, my dad was gone.
I didn't think that was right.
I knew something
was missing there.
Go! Go!
Sorry, I need a...
Daddy, I'm...
I'mma got two medals.
Okay.
B-blow your daddy a kiss.
All t-the other kids had
their mom and dad come to,
like, their graduation
or whatever
or, like, Mother's Day
or Father's Day.
Um...
Sometimes,
my dad couldn't make it
or m-my mom was never there.
It was definitely hard
and people would wonder, like,
"H-how come
your mom's not here?"
I think I remember
just saying like,
"Oh, my dad's a rock star.
He's, h-he's away. H's gone."
I think I was like,
I don't think I can change us,
this is life.
But I knew that, like...
Sorry.
Everything in me wanted to do
the right things for her and...
But I just,
I think deep down inside of me,
I-I knew I was incapable...
of...
being what she needed
and deserved.
I get a gulp,
like, in my throat
and, like,
my heart skips a beat
when I come down this road...
because...
pure evil...
was...
in my life
as I traveled these roads.
Had drug dealers
come to the house,
bring me stuff
and, uh, a lot of emotions
when I come...
when I come here, you know.
Brian would play shows
and he'd leave me passes
at the, uh, at the box office.
Have an all-access pass,
I'd show up
with a sack of dope and,
and we'd use and get high.
I'd bring the meth to him.
Um... And that went on
for a few years.
I'd pop in with a sack.
And then I didn't hear
from him after that.
I couldn't stop bein'...
bad to my body.
I couldn't stop
these addictions.
They would always come back.
The thing about meth,
it just like...
It takes you down these roads
where you can...
be someone that you're not.
One was awesome.
You know, I'd go off
and just for hours
and work with music.
It wasn't defiled,
it wasn't...
It just felt pure.
And the other was...
the sexual perversion.
It seemed like millions
of different videos,
different categories
just turned on
by the sickness of it.
It was, it was like
I had become an animal.
Fifteen years.
You just decided to get clean.
- I stopped everything.
- Cold turkey?
Mm-hmm.
I was crazy for a year,
but nothing'.
No AA, no fucking God,
no bullshit.
'Cause everybody's
gotta replace it
and all I did was replace it
with music.
So what was it
like a few years later
when you're watchin'
Munky and Regi and--
It was fuckin' entertaining
as hell.
I mean, you gotta look at it.
I'm in a rock band.
I'm gonna be around drugs
and alcohol 24-7.
So you got either fuckin'...
You could be a dry drunk,
you could be pissed, and be...
'Cause I've seen other guys
that had done that
and they're just miserable,
'cause they can't drink
or you just gotta embrace it,
so...
I was out there makin'
their drinks, choppin' lines,
rolling joints,
doin' everything.
It just... I think
I was more addicted to the...
uh, ritual of doin' drugs
and drinking
than I was actually
partaking in it.
'Cause my hangovers
would get so bad,
I couldn't even play sometimes,
so...
Um, it was fun.
I'd wake up in the morning
and they'd be all hungover
and I'd be... laughin',
watchin' 'em do it again.
I was downstream
in the gutter too.
I guess more and more every day
just hittin' more bottom even
though we're a successful band.
You're just goin',
what is this?
The balance starts
to kind of tip the other way
where it's like,
I feel like shit
because I-I did too much
of this, we partied too hard
and then your dreams
kind of startin' to fade away
in the distance.
I remember I was on a Korn tour.
I was on that two-year binge.
Yo, daddy.
Vegas right there.
All about money, money, money.
And greed, greed, greed,
money, money, money, greed.
Jennea, she came to visit
with some friends of ours
that had kids too.
And those people came
into my room.
It's really hard to say,
but like,
I remember one of the kids
turn on the TV.
Now check out daddy's suite.
No girls in there though.
The porno came on the TV
that I was watching earlier.
All the kids,
like, looked at the TV
and all the adults scrambled,
"Give me the remote!
You guys, close your eyes,
close your eyes!"
I felt the most intense shame.
I just wanted to die,
like, right then.
I was just, like, mortified.
I was like,
"Who have I become?"
That I would do this to myself,
to my body, to my home,
to my daughter?
But I was stuck.
I'd sunk so low
into my secrets.
I couldn't live with myself.
You know, that's when
I would be on my back,
lookin' up sayin',
"What is the meaning of life?"
Like, "What, what is wrong
with my life?
Why can't I have it together?"
- Oh, my God. What...
- How's it goin', buddy?
- What's up, my guy?
- Thank you guys for...
- Look at this guy.
- Oh, my God. Oh.
Dude, I haven't seen you
since, like, '05.
- Good to see you, bro.
- You too.
- Keep missin' you.
- I miss you too.
I never knew the day
you and I met at CoCo's
and I gave you the Bible
and we prayed together
and you're all...
Had your hoodie on,
your glasses on.
I never knew until I read
your book that you were high
as a kite that day.
Yeah, I was high every day.
It was like my, my Starbucks.
The coffee shop
in Bakersfield
where I met Eric Powers
to, uh...
I don't know. I just...
He knew I was searching.
I remember he got me a Bible
and he put my name on it,
you know.
Whatever they...
At the store, they...
put my name on the Bible
and so he said,
"If you have any questions
about all this stuff,
let me know and we could talk."
And he didn't push.
He never pushed.
And that was... I really,
really liked that about him,
you know, and...
You know, I was like, "I can't
pray and ask Jesus in my heart
when I'm on drugs.
I thought I had to like
get off drugs
and then go to church."
You know, it's just,
I was just out of my mind.
And I had no concept
of what God was like, so...
This is it.
I walked in. I had my hood up.
Had a backpack with me
with all the stuff
I could tweak on
if I needed whatever.
Um...
I just, I remember
feeling that peace.
I-it was weird,
'cause I went from, like,
just total gutter
up all night on meth
and not any sleep and just,
you know, trying to hide
u-up here
and just feelin' like...
Just a feeling I never felt
before, you know. Just a...
There was a drawing of God
to his heart.
And it would go away because
obviously I was on drugs, but...
You know, but it was just
God drawing me in.
And I just checked
into a hotel
expecting to be there a week.
I checked out in a day or two.
Walking outside,
lookin' at the trees
and the sun and just goin'...
"Why don't I feel horribly?
Why am I not sleeping?
Why am I not barkin'
someone's head off?
Why am I not in fits of rage?"
Somebody told me,
"God wants you to go home
and clean out your house."
I found a first-aid kit.
I opened it
and the 8-ball of crystal meth
fell out of it.
I dove into that...
like it was the ocean.
So I was like,
"How do I know this is real?"
Like, I was just like...
I was so double-minded
and just scattered
'cause of that last binge
and everything.
And one of the last nights
I was doing drugs, I...
I-I-I started grabbing
my Bible.
I got my Bible out again.
I started reading it
and flippin' the pages
and it was like the scriptures
were, like, goin'
poppin' out at me, talkin'
to things in my, in my life
and I was, like, I'd shut it
'cause it'd freak me out,
then I'd do it again.
And I was just thinkin', I was
like, "How do I know though?"
Like, it just seems too crazy,
like...
How many people call Christians
brainwashed?
What if I'm gettin' brainwashed
and I'm imagining all this?
What if it's drugs
that's makin' me think?
All of a sudden, just...
instant, like, eternal hug
and it was a feeling
of unconditional love
and forgiveness and it was like
God comin' in the room
sayin', "I am real
and I'm the father
of every person on Earth."
And I-I just looked up
and I just said, "Father."
For the first time in my life,
I felt like I was home.
It was like a feeling
of a spiritual beauty
and purity that was so beautiful
that words can't express it.
I'm just trying my best.
The next day...
I threw away all my drugs...
I dropped to my knees
and said...
"God...
did I pass the test?
Am I too late?
I'm yours. This is it."
The music world is buzzing.
Brian Welch AKA Head
announced he was leaving Korn.
Brian's former bandmates
from Korn
declined CNN's request
for an interview.
But in a statement said that
Korn respects Brian's wishes
and hopes he finds the
happiness he's searching for.
One night, I get an e-mail,
a long e-mail...
and I read through it
and I was like,
"This is crazy. Is this,
is this really happening?"
He's like,
"Jennea, I'm quitting Korn.
I-I'm gonna stay home,"
and I'm like...
And I remember my six-year-old
mind, I was like...
"Wait, is that even allowed?"
I'm gonna show
through my actions
how much I love my fans.
I'm kickin' it off next Sunday
a-at Valley Bible.
I'm gonna speak how I got
to this place in my life.
You wanna leave the band, fine.
We gotta do this a way
where you quietly leave
and don't do all this shit,
but he's like,
"No, God's tellin' me to do this
and God's tellin..."
I'm like, I'm gonna...
I fucking hate
these motherfuckers, man.
"God's not telling,
your fucking head's telling you.
Now chill the fuck out."
So he drove his ass down
to the radio station
and just announced it
right in the middle
of our negotiating the deal.
So I wanted to kill
this motherfucker.
I was on drugs
in this church even
couple of times, I was...
I had addiction to... meth.
Methamphetamine.
I think
that was an act of love...
for himself and his daughter.
Mainly for his daughter.
I came to a point, I was like,
I didn't wanna live
and I was just goin',
"Why don't I wanna live?
I got, I got the car I want,
the house I want.
You know, I got everything
I want, don't I?"
Then there's,
that's how God talks to you.
He's like, "No."
But I got everything I want.
Look at,
look at my bank account.
I can't even keep it all
in there.
"No."
And then, um...
And here I am. I'm so happy.
You know, when he did,
we're like it didn't matter.
We're like, "Let's press on.
Let's...
We're gonna be even better, one
guitar player, we're gonna..."
And just had this attitude
t-to still do it and make it.
A long time, I hated his ass.
I was like...
This is just not cool.
What the fuck happened
to my fuckin' band?
"Bad Reputation"
by Joan Jett
I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation
You're living in the past
it's a new generation
A girl can do what
she wants to do
And that's what
I'm gonna do
And I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation
I'm on fire for the Lord
and everyone's
gonna watch me burn.
Burn in a good way.
And I don't really care
if you think I'm strange
I ain't gonna change
And I'm never gonna care
'bout my bad reputation
Whoa no no no no no no
Not me me me me me me me
Whoa no no no no no no
Not me me me me me me me
Pedal boys
Whoa no no no no no no
Not me me me me me me me
Sellin' all of them?
Since he played so good,
um, he won those.
It was from MTV.
They're just awards.
That conversation with Jennea
when I told her
that I was gonna,
that I quit my band
and I was gonna be home
with her
was just like...
Her face just lit up
and she was just, like,
takin' it all in, like...
Never in her life
did she have a parent home.
One that wasn't gonna leave.
I didn't really r-remember
my mom when I was younger.
I...
I knew she was out there,
but I didn't really...
I, I don't know.
I pictured some...
I don't know, some, like,
dirty blond-haired,
like, tall woman
in, like, a cardigan
and like a skirt,
like a long skirt.
I don't know why,
like the ideal mom.
But she came
in her, like, miniskirt
and, like, the tattoos
and she's like, "Ah!"
I love you so much.
So...
So that was that.
You know, you think
you're makin'
the, the best choices for...
for your daughter and everything
and it's just like...
It's just hard, man.
It's just...
'Cause I was, like,
following God.
I was like, I wanted...
I wanted to go
to where I needed to be
to get to my destiny in Him...
and I also wanted
to be a good father.
But I immediately started makin'
bad choices after I quit Korn.
I was like, I hired a nanny.
And I'm like,
"Here, take care of my daughter,
I'm gonna go write music."
That guy was fucked
up on speed and of course,
he's gonna naturally do that.
It's...
He found his thing
to make him stop.
So I'm sure he was gonna go
150 percent into it
because he's just so fucked up
on the other thing.
And it's good.
I-if you use religion
to get off somethin' harmful,
then that's...
Go for it.
Don't think, I just have...
My problem with Christians
and Christianity
is their fuckin'
assimilation tactics.
Everybody's out to assimilate
you into their fold.
You know, "You're fuckin'
goin' to hell
and you need Jesus and..."
It's just fucking irritating.
Nobody wants to hear
that shit.
If they're lookin' for it,
they'll go find it.
- I'm home.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Good to see you again.
I told Phil, "You know what?
I need to go to church
so that I understand
what's happening to him."
Because I don't understand
how can anybody do this.
How can you change so suddenly?
I was really scared.
Brian, pour some chips in there
and we'll just put
a bowl of chips on.
Eventually, uh, Phil started
going to church with me.
And then...
Because of the same reason.
He was bothered by the fact
that Brian, um,
was so suddenly...
a Christian.
I spent most of my life
until Brian's conversion...
as kind of an agnostic.
Maybe there is,
maybe there isn't, I don't know.
God, our Father,
who art in heaven,
we're so blessed to have our son
here for a short visit.
Uh, we miss him,
he's gone a lot.
We thank You
for all of your blessings.
Please bless this food
we're about to eat.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
I feel better about myself.
I don't, I don't get his...
riled up and uptight...
kind of go with the flow,
you know.
God's in control.
I woke up at, uh, at 5:20,
went runnin'.
The watch that Fred Durst
bought me.
From Limp Bizkit.
I appreciate the gift,
but I'm not about diamonds
or money or nothin' anymore.
Man, how do I pay a phone bill?
In other words,
living in the Holy Land
will not make them holy.
Hey, Jennea, get down, please.
Alright, every time
I listen to it, I cry.
He was there with me
when I did it.
So no one can ever...
Can I, can I call
a bunch of friends?
- No.
- Please.
Jennea, just give me someone
you wanna call right now.
Like, I said, when I was up
there, I'm not afraid
of nothin', man.
Today proved it again.
I used to be afraid!
I moved to Phoenix just
to get away from everything.
I wanted to start over.
I was like, "Jesus, I want you
to be my role model.
I want you to take me, do
anything you want to my life."
When I moved from Bakersfield,
I had a few million dollars
in the bank.
I was off on a mission, to help
the world to use that money,
to change the world.
And so in 2009, I lost,
I lost my Beamer.
I lost... It had 22-inch rims.
It was like
I had to relearn everything
with this faith
that I was living with.
I got cheated out
of that Christian guy.
He was actually a gangster
from New York.
And when he did business,
he'd rip people off.
His family was like
in the mafia type of stuff.
I lost everything.
I lost my house.
Every company that I chose
to get involved with
crashed and burned
within like three or four years.
And I got to a point in 2009
where I was looking for quarters
in my drawers to buy my daughter
lunch at school.
He had been physical,
punching holes in walls
and like screaming and like...
saying like, "Eff you, God!
Why did you do this to me?"
I was just irresponsible
for Jennea.
You just give me somethin',
just give me somethin'.
I open my bible
and I land on the scripture,
like if you have food and
clothing, be content with that.
I'm like, "Dang it!"
I wasn't scared.
I was more... sad.
And my spirit's fighting
to live in faith.
So it was like a baby,
you know.
You take away the bottle,
all of a sudden, the baby...
I guess I didn't understand
why he did those things.
I end up puttin' down
my first Christian record,
I start a label
and I'm like,
"I'm gonna get
a Christian band signed
and I'm gonna get
the word out there.
Finally, God,
after all that stuff."
The record company...
You know, it took
a couple of years
to untangle the web
of just knots
and it was just like
a, a world of, like, negativity
that was just...
tryin' to hold on to you
for dear life,
that was just tryin'
to bring me down,
but I was in Nashville
startin' a new life.
It was like a different planet.
It was almost like
a fresh start.
I assumed things
were gonna be different.
But I realized that it was...
it was hard letting go...
of friends and what-not,
so that made it harder to accept
that the change was good.
She just couldn't
connect with anybody and...
and it just got worse
from then on and...
she just became more withdrawn
and...
Of course,
a lot of things did affect me.
Like, my mom being gone
and my dad not being the most...
emotionally-dependable.
Her life was so unlike...
every other girl
in this neighborhood
that it was hard for her
to relate to those girls
and for those girls
to relate to her.
So that brings
about insecurities,
doubt, fear.
It's hard bein' a young girl.
I can only imagine how hard
it is bein' a young girl
of a single dad
on the road on tour.
Things got worse for her.
So why don't I try
takin' her on the road?
She would do her homework
at like 3 a.m. some nights
and just we'd crash at, like, 4.
We are in a van.
People offered her drugs
a couple of times.
It was just like...
I can't win.
Life was awful.
I didn't wanna feel this way,
but I did.
And so I tried other things
that I felt like would feel
better and would help.
But it, like, made it worse.
It sunk back.
The truth was that
I was hurting.
And that I didn't know why,
and I wanted someone to help me.
He called me one day
and I remember his voice.
There was determination,
fear and love, all combined.
And basically, he was, he was
asking for help and guidance,
uh, with his daughter.
I've made a mess out of my life.
Um, I'm reborn.
My daughter is...
is lost in this world
that I've created for her.
Well, I think
it was the shock value.
- I really do.
- Right.
And she was trying
to cover the pain
and the vulnerability
with the, the shock
and the hardness
and the rock and roll
and, you know...
I went from like one
of the biggest rock stars to...
an out-of-work single dad.
I've always struggled
with anger
even after I became a Christian
and I wasn't...
a perfect father by any means.
I almost mimicked my dad.
Like, I, I got physical.
I flipped tables.
I would have bursts
of rage with her,
just with life,
because I was stressed out
tryin' to hold on to faith.
I guess I kind of learned that
he did to take off frustration,
I picked up too.
Because I didn't know
of any other way.
We were home after a tour
and she was just like,
we were fighting
and I was blowin' up.
I ransacked the house.
I screamed, "Eff you!"
"Eff you! I effin' hate you!"
She just started fallin'...
fallin' down a deeper hole
from then on to, uh,
you know, depression...
suicidal thoughts,
sayin' suggestive things that
no father wants
their teenage daughter
to say online
for everyone to read.
I told him
we need to have a plan
and, and we need
a nuclear button.
The nuclear option
was to find a facility
that Jennea could go to
and live in
and learn life skills
with loving people
and peers around her.
One day she got so mad...
she says, "I cut myself
because of you"
and starts bursting into tears.
Puberty,
social media experimentation,
discovering who she was
without having
any consistent friends her age
around.
I mean, she was freefalling.
I just wanted someone
to realize I'm hurting.
I'm here, I'm, I am aching.
What do I do?
It's gonna be tough
because Jennea's still gonna be
on tour with you.
We can do Skype sessions.
And we can do it once a week.
But basically,
it's going to be like...
small cups of water
we're trying to get out
of the sinking boat
when buckets of water
are just being poured in.
I just got out of the
shower and I looked at myself
and I just started crying
and I was bawling.
And I said, "I effin' hate you.
You're a whore."
I had heard if you drink
enough soap, it would kill you.
And so I drink a bunch of soap
and...
Sorry, I need a...
She's like, "I hate you.
I hate you and I hate my life.
I wanna die."
And all of it
was hitting the ground
with her at one time.
We had to stop it.
And I would just be
like at the point,
I'm gonna just like,
"Fuck you, God.
Who are you? Like, why didn't
you let me die from the drugs?
Like, everything's goin' wrong.
Like, I try all this stuff.
I follow you,
I give, I give to the poor.
I, I...
I did,
I gave up everything for you.
And now my daughter's
cutting herself."
I have, like, I can't control
my rage. I'm stressed out.
I have nobody that wants
to come to the concerts.
I'm just like fuck it all.
Stop in the name of love
Before you break my heart
I love you so much,
you know that?
I really, really, really do.
The camera?
I'll tell the whole world.
I'll get on my knees
and tell you
I love you, Jennea.
I'll kiss your foot.
During Christmas 2012,
she cut her arms from here
to all the way up to here.
Shoulder to wrist, both arms,
while we were at my mom's
and it just, like,
freaked me out.
That's when I set into motion
to take her to Awakening Youth
ran by Tiffany and Travis.
She just was broken.
Broken into pieces
and she was just falling,
and it was like,
"Give your dad a hug. Goodbye."
That was rough, man.
She's all he has.
She's all he has.
And so to, um...
to put all that you have
somewhere else...
is really hard.
I cried.
When he said he was gonna
take her to that school
and I knew,
but it was the thing to do.
Yeah, exactly,
he had to do that.
I was so sad that it had come
to that point.
Because when he took her
to that school,
it was basically
an intervention.
And, uh..
she flipped out, of course.
It was weird
not getting my way,
if that makes sense.
It was...
it was humbling, of course,
but it was like, "Well,
she's not going to give in."
That's weird.
I challenge them.
Like I said with Brian,
you're inviting me
into your life.
Like, you're not, this isn't
a service. This isn't a...
You know, I'm not just gonna,
this isn't a nanny.
This is, like,
a life experience.
We're-we're joining
in this together
for your daughter's benefit,
for her life.
She needed a mother figure...
in her life, and not that
Tiffany's her mother at all,
but, like, it's a female
who is speaking nothing
but strengthening stuff
into her life.
And loving her
with tough love...
and feminine love...
all at once that she needs,
you know,
in order to make her
a stronger person.
She was very
confrontational in the beginning
that we would try to take her
mother or her father's place.
There is a context,
there is a mom.
Uh, there was a love story.
I don't think I-I can read it.
You don't think...
Would you like me to read it?
It's okay.
"Mom, hi.
Dad told me that you have tried
to contact me.
I feel that it's best that
we aren't in contact right now.
There have been many situations
in my life
where I have been disappointed
by you.
And I think that it's best
for both of us
to focus on ourselves
and what we have
right in front of us.
I'm not mad at you and I do not
have hard feelings against you.
I just think that this is the
most beneficial option for me
and you.
Take care of Elanah and you
and focus on being her rock
in her life.
Sincerely, Jennea."
I am, I'm truly at peace,
like, with all that.
Like, I think,
I think I communicated,
like, what I needed to be, so...
This is, uh, kind
of a death-taking place
but like a new life
is birthing, too, and it's...
If you think about birth,
it's, it's always, uh,
messy and painful,
but then afterwards
you get to hold a miracle.
Being away from my dad
is definitely hard.
Like, you can't deny the fact
that it is emotional.
And even right now
I think I'm gonna cry
'cause I kind of miss him,
I don't wanna be away from him.
But for this period of time,
I cannot be... successful
being with him 24-7.
We went through guitar players
and guitar players
and guitar...
No one's ever gonna fill
that role
until somebody can come
that can bring it like Head did
and have moves like a rock star
like Head does,
and have the presence
that he had.
All those things have
to be better than what he was
before anybody comes out
on that stage right there.
Never happened.
It was really hard.
When Brian left the band,
it was...
all joking aside,
I was devastated, I really was.
Really, it was like
a three-legged dog
kind of hopping along the side
of the freeway.
That's how it felt
without him there.
He was just funny as Head,
just...
When he'd walk in the room,
he'd light it up
and he'd just walk
across the room
and not, like, think things over
just like a cartoon character.
I mean, that's the most thing
I missed about him.
Being without him on the road,
I didn't have any of that.
It was just like,
you know, normalcy.
I was on tour
with Love And Death
opening for P.O.D.
They had some shows
at a rock festival
and I was like,
"Let me take Jennea
to the show with you guys."
Korn actually was the band
headlining.
I didn't let that stop me.
All of a sudden, me and my dad
were walking
towards Munky's bus.
Reggie goes, "We're putting you
on Munk's bus right now."
And it was kind of funny,
I was there witnessing
the whole thing
and we're like, "Wow.
Hope they come out huggin'
and not swingin', you know."
At this point, I've been
sober for a couple years
and I was feeling like,
you know, like I could sit down
and talk with him one-on-one
and have a... just a normal,
catch up.
I didn't care about the band,
I-I didn't...
Only thing I cared about
is making sure I had
his phone number, so we could
call each other, you know.
Just asking forgiveness
for everything, you know,
just 'cause we've known
each other so long.
Kind of emotional, you know,
it was crazy.
I understood.
The moment I saw his face,
I was like, "Wow,
it all made sense."
Jennea was with him
reminding me that
she's here with him
because that's why
he had to leave
and-and then, that-that just
stays in the back your mind
when you're sitting there
havin' a conversation.
Then they come out laughing
and that was a huge ice breaker
right there.
- Here we go, boys.
- Does he know?
- No.
- Can I hang out?
Dude, come on. I'm buying.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- You hear that?
- Mm-hm.
Brian Head Welch getting up
to play "Blind" with us.
Over 30,000 peeps
in North Cackalacky.
"Blind" by Korn
I wanna bring out
one of my truest
and oldest
and most beloved old friends.
My boy!
You guys ready to get crazy?
This is where it all began,
people!
Are you ready?
"Blind" by Korn
Oh
There's a place
inside my brain
Another kind of pain
It seemed
it might set him high again,
'cause usually
it's just Reggie there
and now he was up there.
It just felt really good,
it felt right.
It felt like the band is like...
and everything was right.
And, uh, all I can do
was just fucking cry, man.
I don't know, just one
of those things that just,
you just know, you know,
like for some reason,
it was not right
for, like, eight years
and then it just opened up.
God opened the doors up
and it was just right.
God bless you.
Goodnight, people, we love you!
I could tell that there was,
like he just felt... happy.
I went home,
got a phone call from Munky.
He said, "Hey, we're going
to start writing a record."
I... He was, "I don't want to
make this about you coming back,
because I love to see you
as my old friend
and I love to be reconnected
with you, so...
But i-if you feel like
you wanna do this,
door's open, let us know."
I was, like,
"Well, are you gonna do it?"
I finally flew down there
to get together with them.
It was instantly, like, just...
a positive energy in the room.
We went and ate at my
parents' house, all of us.
Like old friends
just eating dinner together,
breaking bread, you know,
and...
Wrote with them another month
and just hung out
and wrote down and...
and it just got better,
and better, and better.
It's just, it's amazing.
We hadn't hung out
in a long time, so...
just being able
to hang out with him,
I could see how he really was.
Then there is no problem.
He's not a preachy motherfucker
at all.
All I can say is
God has a plan
and it could be
the simple thing
of grabbing these five guys
together,
become best friends again.
Now it's, like, it's deeper.
We're stronger when
we're all together, for sure.
And, um,
I don't know what it is,
but this thing
has become bigger than us.
Okay, my life
as I knew it is changing,
and for a teenager,
that's like catastrophic.
Whereas for you and I,
it's like, "Okay,
this is only
for a little while."
An adult kind of wait it out.
For them, it's like,
"Oh, my goodness,
this is this huge
life-changing event..."
I was not for him
going back to Korn.
Like, if this isn't right
for your daughter,
if we tell you that you need
to leave, then you'll leave.
I'm not gonna get attached
to this kid
and build this relationship
and, and all of this
if you're gonna do something
destructive
or you're gonna self-destruct
or, you know...
And Brian very humbly said,
"Absolutely, I left it once,
I'll leave it again."
"I left it once,
I'll leave it again."
I know
you're not a little girl,
but we'll do something fun.
- I just wanted to...
- Thanks.
He has matured amazingly.
Him even managing his emotions
and him learning
how to talk to me
and taking the time to...
That's really important for me,
is that he...
No matter if he's in,
I don't know...
Germany or some other place,
he will make time for me.
T-shirt rolled up
to his shoulders
Six-inch sideburns
and a pompadour
Old lady with a diaper...
A two-pack habit
Pushing a baby stroller
My daddy
was a rock and roller
My daddy was
A rock and roller
Oh, my God!
My daddy was
A rock and roller
Hoo
Hoo
Hoo
Hoo
Or probably driving down
the street
I said we're driving
We're driving driving
driving around the street
Told us that he was gonna start
working with Korn again.
I think we were both happy.
That that's where
he needed to be.
There was some trepidation
about...
can he do this?
So am I picking you up
in my bus, right?
Sorry.
You're gonna see people...
It wouldn't make sense
if I was doing awful
and he was doing good
or if he was doing awful
and I was doing good.
It's like,
this, this works for now.
Like, I'm cool with this.
There's a time
that you have to walk away
and you have to go...
and let God cleanse your soul.
It's like on Halloween,
when we get the, the pumpkins
and we scoop out all the guts
and that stuff, and put
the candle, that light in there.
He-he scooped out all that crap
out of me for eight years
and, and he put that light
inside of me, you know.
That's what needed to happen
and now I'm going back.
By the leading of the Lord
to my people
to hang out with them.
I'll tell you
the truth, I didn't see it,
and I understand
people that are concerned
and stuff like that, you know.
Some people are just hateful
and they're like,
"Oh, I guess the dog's
returning to his vomit."
I'm just being me.
Yeah!
I'll never
Oklahoma City,
you all still with us?
I'm never gonna love again
Oh
Never never never
Sing it!
Aa-aa-aa-ah
I'll never love again
Never gonna have to try
to pretend
Never never never
You, too. Love you, man.
Good seeing you.
You know how girls get
when they're teenagers.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, dude. Heck, yeah.
This is what happened
three and a half years ago.
Lord, this is not a joke,
this stuff right here.
You know, some people walk away,
some people laugh at this stuff,
I know I was one of them,
but you are so real
and I'm asking you right now
in front of all these people
that you'd become real
to these people,
'cause you are
the best high ever.
And it's about, that we are
jacked up, all of us,
and that we need you
to forgive us,
so just, so just come in
and let them feel forgiven,
let them feel brand-new
and give them wings to fly
the rest of their lives
in Jesus' name.
Amen.
Love you, guys. Yeah.
It all seems
to make sense in my mind.
God puts us through things
so we can be prepared
for the next thing.
He's been fathering her
over there
and he's gifting her
and she's blossoming
into this person that...
Yeah, he's teaching her
that he's-he's her father.
God does a lot better than me
as dad, you know.
But I'm her dad, too, you know.
I'm-I'm like little D.
We got the straps, okay?
Ally, dress is taken care of,
it's too big.
Um, straps for Maddy G.
I have always wanted this
in my life.
Normal friends, normal... home,
normal times where I do things.
I finally have it.
Like, I finally got
what I asked for.
So, Jennea, of everything
that's gonna happen tomorrow,
like, what's the one thing
that you're, like,
most excited about?
Oh, my gosh.
Um...
I think what I'm most
excited about
would have to be
seeing my dad.
Um, but...
I'm really excited to dance.
Like any other
young teenager,
I struggled with low self-esteem
and peer pressure.
Those things really took
a toll on me
and I found myself
at a rock bottom.
And words cannot express
how grateful I am
and how much growth
I have gone through
and how much transformation
and healing I have gone through.
God has completely
shown Himself to me
and it's been amazing.
You know, God allows
things to come into your life
to feel like
it's crushing you...
because it squeezes out
all of the impurities.
That's how you get cleaned
in your soul.
I see that now.
It is just like if you could
just hang on there,
just hang to watch what I do...
I'm gonna restore all things.
You guys can go home now.
Promises that I made
You should ignore
The future that I painted
I can't afford
I know that it seems
That I left you no choice
I fell down on my knees
And I begged
your forgiveness
Consequences of a lie
Failed redemption
though I tried
Maybe someday
I'll get it right
So I'm sorry to say
I didn't want it all
Sorry to wake you
I didn't need it all
I never wanted it
To hurt
No
Korn! Korn! Korn!
Korn! Korn! Korn!
Korn! Korn! Korn!
Korn! Korn! Korn!
Korn! Korn! Korn! Korn!