Louie Anderson: Big Baby Boomer (2012) Movie Script

[upbeat music]
[cheers and applause]
- Ladies and gentlemen,Louie Anderson.
[cheers and applause]
- Hi, everybody.
Thank you so much.
What a beautiful day,wasn't it?
I almost went for a walk.
I just got backfrom Canada,
you know?
First of all, I had to flyin the tiniest plane,
so tiny they hadto weigh us.
Yeah, funny for you.
The guy says, "We're goingto have to weigh you."
"Well, could I takemy shoes off first?"
I had to lay in the aisle,so we could land.
Canada is something,isn't it?
You know it's onlya matter of time
before they start measuringour butts.
You realize that,don't you, huh?
I suppose it'll be likethat thing you stick the bag in
to see if it'll fitin the overhead.
"Sir, can you putyour butt in there?
We don't thinkyou're a coach seat."
You don't?
You hear your brotherbehind you,
"He's a stagecoach seat."
Then you do thisto your brother.
You ever do this--tiny talk?
[mouths words]
Only other family membersand cats and dogs
can understand it.
You'll see womenin the supermarket
with their kidssometimes--
[mouths words]
Dogs and cats.
You can't bring theminto Canada
unless they havea hockey uniform on.
You have a dog or cat?
Dog?Aren't dogs great?
The dog's always happyto see you.
You're always happy to see--no matter what.
If you come back five timesin five minutes,
the dog is still happyto see you each time.
"Oh, my God,you came back!
"Oh, where'd you go?
"Don't ever leave me again!
Now let me lick you."
Cats don't careif you're home.
"Hey, Fluffy!"
[mouths words]
Cats lovewhen you're fat.
They're always over therewhen you're fat.
They're doingthe elliptical,
working out on your stomach,you know?
"Don't you move.
I'll scratchthe hell out of you."
Have you been to Canada?
Have you?'Cause it's an experience.
First of all, you fill outthe immigration thing.
"Are you carrying$10,000 or more?"
"Are you crazy?
"I'm comingfrom the States.
We don't have $10,000."
"Are you bringingany weapons?"
"Yeah, I got a Howitzerin my hollow leg."
[imitates gunshot]
Does anybody say,"Yeah, I'm bringing weapons in,
and I'm flush with cash"?
How about the walkfrom the plane to customs?
Have you ever done that?
What is that for, to weed outthe sick and infirmed?
Then I get up there,and you know,
even though I don't haveany drugs on me,
I'm still nervouswith the customs people.
I don't haveany drugs.
A doughnut maybe,but no drugs.
And then he says to me,
"Are you planning on visitinga farm while you're here?"
"Well, should I?"
I get there at 12:30at night, you know?
I was starving.
And there's nothing openin Canada at 12:30.
I said to the guywho was driving me--he goes,
"There's really nothing open."
I go, "Take meto the gas station.
I like that food."
Women won't eat it,but men will.
[feminine voice]"I'm not eating that."
[masculine voice]"What's wrong with that?
"It's tuna.
"It's packaged.
"I'll get thatand the apple
they playedhacky sack with."
Don't you think they throwthe fruit around
when no one's there?
Whoever's working--"Hey, Bill."
[mouths words]
And I come out of the store,
and a homeless guycomes up to me.
He goes,"I haven't eaten in five days."
"Well,you're not getting this."
I didn't say it,but I thought it, you know?
You know, haven't eatenin five days?
What's that like?
I went three hours once,but that was just a bad waiter.
I gave him money, so hecould get his tuna sandwich,
and the guydriving me goes,
"You know he's goingto buy dope with that."
"Well, I didn't thinkhe was going to start an IRA."
of course he's goingto buy crack with that.
Why not?
If you're homeless,you buy crack.
If you're on crack,you don't think you're homeless.
"How you doing?"
"I'm president!"
[mouths words]
Everybody has their own crack.Food's mine.
I see those99 McDoubles.
I think, "How can I affordnot to get one?"
For $3, I couldbe sick as a dog.
People talk a--talk about food like it's drugs.
Do you ever hear peopletalk like,
[whispers]"Oh, my God.
"Come on.Come here.
"We went downto this place.
"You gotta go down an alley,and you knock.
"They let you in.
There's food in there."
"Well, where is it?"
[whispers]"I can't tell you."
Food is actually somethingthat haunts me, you know?
That's why I eat it.
I open my drapes in the morning,and right across the street,
McDonald's, Pizza Hut,Cold Stone, Krispy Kreme.
That's my Mount Rushmore.
That's right.
Those are also my passwords.
McDonald's, Pizza Hut,Cold Stone, Krispy Kr--
And they're buildinga urgent care center
right next to it.
Not a minute too soon.
They startedthe whole thing.
They started feeding uswhen we were kids.
They saidit's like dope.
When you drive by McDonald'swith your parents,
"Dad, McDonald's!
"Dad, McDonald's!
"Dad, McDonald's!
There's a liquor storeby it, Dad."
Those aren't arches.
Those are butt cheeks.
You turn those around.
"Oh, I know her."
I try to order healthy'cause I have thin friends.
They're always happyfor you
when you're fatand you order healthy.
Your thin friends--I don't know why,
they're just happy.
"I'll get the chicken wrap."
"Oh, Louie.
"You're going to get a wrap?
So proud of you."
"Now don't gettoo excited.
I'm going to have themdeep-fry it."
One time I was in there,I go, "What's a Mac Wrap?"
"We took a Big Macand put it in a wrap."
[deep voice]"You're all going to hell."
"You want one?"
McDonald's.they're good.
Pizza Hut.Eh, they're all right.
I hadthat Chicago Pizza.
You ever been to Chicagoand had the deep-dish pizza?
There's still a piece of thatin my colon somewhere.
If you get to a certain age,you can't digest that anymore.
It's like a tennis shoein a dryer.
Clunk, clunk, clunk.
Sometimes I'll just be walkingand go, "Oof, Chicago."
[cheers and applause]
I love Cold Stone.Do you have that?
That's good,isn't it?
So many choices though.
"Would you like a cupor a cone?"
"Crush a cone up,and put it in the cup."
"What size do you want?"
"Grand Canyon."
"You want Butterfingerin there?"
"Yeah, and don't forgethis sister, Baby Ruth."
"You want us to crusha brownie in here?"
"Do it!"
"That'll be $85."
"I'll take it!
Could I geta shoulder strap?"
"How did you hurt your arm?"
"Ice cream."
I try to order healthy.do you ever try that?
There's always, like,one or two things on there.
There's always salmonon there.
"Could I get the salmonon a plank?
Could I get the blindfoldwith that?"
Usually end up orderingthe same thing.
"Could I getthe grilled chicken,
some steamed broccoli,please?"
"You wanted somethingon that broccoli?"
"You want some cheddaron there?"
Could you steam itthough?"
"Could I geta Caesar salad?"
"You want chickenor shrimp?"
"Louie, what is thatyou're eating?"
"Caesar salad."
"Is that a brownie on there,Louie?"
"Well, how is it?"
"Well, the brownie's good.
I don't think I'd orderthe salad again."
I knowI should eat the fish,
but I just--I always want to say,
"Do you have anythingless fishy?
You got any porkthat swims?"
The only timeI want to eat salmon
is duringthose nature shows
where the bearis in the stream and--
[imitates gobbling]
Whenever I see that,I think,
"I should give salmonanother try."
I'm on a food plan now...
You know, where they give youthe whole week.
I'm upto next Wednesday.
You can't give a person my sizethe whole week's worth.
Think about it.
That's likea drug addict.
"Here's your drugsfor the week."
"Thank you.
I love you."
People always want meto smoke pot for some reason
after the show,
and I always tell themthe same thing,
"Listen, I don't needanother reason to be hungry."
I do not.
My friends smoke pot,I get the munchies.
I can't even have foodin the house.
I don't have any foodin the house.
'Cause if I have food inthe house and I'm laying in bed,
I go, "I bet that Cap'n Crunchis lonely in the cupboard."
I do have foodin the house.
I have six rice cakes
that I've been tryingto get rid of for five years.
I have sixof the original rice cakes.
You never--you biteinto that and go, "Ah...
what is that,a styrofoam cup?"
I really wantto be healthy.
Honestly, I do.
I start out--
Like, I'll get upin the morning,
and I'll have oatmeal.
I'll have a banana.
And then around 9:00...
I go,"Did I eat anything?"
So dry here,isn't it?
It's a good ChapStick place.
Couple hours in this weather,you're ChapStick-ing everything.
"What are you doing?""My cheeks are chapped."
"Well, you're gonna needa bigger stick."
"Could I getthe Butt ChapStick, please?"
Don't you hate this?You're walking down the street.
Your friend goes,"Can I borrow your ChapStick?"
"Can I wearyour underwear?"
It's a nonborrowing item.
You always give it up.
"Keep it."
I have to be healthier now
'cause my doctor'syelling at me about--
They're the ones who are--This is how he talks to me.
[angry parental tone]"Louie."
Got a microphoneand everything.
A show business doctor.
"Louie,I'm worried about you."
"Well,don't charge me then."
No, I had a heart episode.Do you know what that is?
That's what they call it whenyou have really good insurance.
That even--doesn't even sound bad.
"He had a heart episode.No big deal."
I woke upin the middle of the night,
and I go,"Ooh...I didn't eat tacos."
I drove myself to the hospital,you know,
so I could havethat last cigarette.
Well,if you're going to go...
It's a good thingKFC wasn't open.
"Yeah, they found himin the car.
He kicked the bucketholding a bucket."
"Did he leave a note?"
"Well, there was somethingwritten on the window in gravy.
It was either 'sorry'or 'coleslaw'."
I didn't know this.
If you're a fat personand you go to the hospital
and you say "chest pains,"you're in.
"Fat guy, chest pains,come on down."
"What about the guywith no head?"
"We got a bucket of icecoming out for him."
The nurse takes me in a room,and she goes, "Here, sir.
Put this on."
"On what?"
She puts the, uh,EKG thing on me,
tears it off,you know?
I go,"What does it say?"
"We don't read them."
The doctor comes in.
You're always happy and relievedthe doctor comes in.
Foreign doctor,always thrilled
'cause I knowthey studied.
He goes, "Mr. Anderson,you didn't have a heart attack."
"Oh, so good, could you slidethose cigarettes down here?"
He goes, "But we thinkyou've got some blockage."
"Oh, you know about that?
It's deep-dish."
He said, "We'd like to doan angioplasty on you."
"Oh, no, my breastsare big enough."
I mean, when I heard"angioplasty,"
I'll be honest with you,
I went, "Didn't I have thatat Olive Garden once?
"Could I get the EndlessAngioplasty, please?"
I go,"What's an angioplasty?"
He goes,"Well, we take a wire--"
"A wire?"
I flash back to my dadworking on the car.
"Get me a wire, damn it.I'll fix this damn thing.
We'll getthese brakes working."
"Yeah, we take a wire.
We go inthrough your groin."
"Hmm.Who's 'we'?"
It's notthat Congressman Weiner, is it?
That's a horrible nameto grow up with, isn't that?
You're punched every dayat school with that name.
"Weiner, get over here!"
So I agreed to do it'cause, you know,
they dope you upin the hospital.
You agree to stuff,you know?
Isn't it true?
"You ready to go?"
"I'm ready to go!
I'm president!"
So I get downto the angioplasty place.
The same people who makethe robes make the tables.
One cheekover the line
Sweet Jesus
But what an amazing time,you know?
I lay backon that thing,
and it's amazing.
I look up,
and here is my hearton a monitor.
And I knewit was my heart too
'cause that thingwas wrapped in bacon.
The doctor comes in.
He goes,"You see your heart?"
[pained] "Yeah.
It's a Hormel."
He goes, "Do you knowwhich arteries are blocked?"
"You don't know?
Listen,if you're not sure--"
So he heads towards my groin,and--[clears throat]
You hardly ever say that,do you?
"So he headstowards my groin--"
Sounds like the beginningof a 48 Hours.
"He headstowards my groin."
He was feeding the wirein my artery.
That or a puppet showwas going on.
"You shut up.""No, you shut up."
And the wire, you know,it's got to go up the I-90
and then over the 15.
You get excitedwhen the wire shows up.
"You're in!"
And he's goingto put that wire--
Now they do it, I think,even more amazingly,
but the wire goes in--bam.
The arteryis opened up.
He tried it,like, 30 times.
I finally saidto him, "Doc,
what's going on?"
He goes, "I'm goingto get a colleague."
"I don't careif you get a shepherd.
I hear labsare nice dogs."
So he gets methe head of angioplasty.
He's coming in.
Why didn't I have himto begin with?
He fixedmy heart right up,
and right now,my heart's 100%.
I'm really lucky.I'm really--
Like, that'sthe amazing part,
that they could takea guy like me
and make my heart 100%.
You know, it's a--[applause]
Well, that's very nice of you.thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, I just had a stress test.you know what that is?
Where you have your whole familyover, and then, uh--
No, I love my family,
but it is true with families,isn't it?
They're stressful.
I'm trying to bea healthier person, you know?
I'm working out now.
I go to Anytime Fitnesssometimes.
How many people work outall the time?
I just love America.
I like those people who,every day, get home from work,
"I'm going to run downand do some cardio."
Get down there.
You know,I get home from work,
"I'm going to lay down.
"I'm going to eat somethingfirst though.
I don't want to get woke upby hunger pains again.
Every time I go to the gym,there's that one person running.
I just wantto say to them,
"You can stop running.
"They won't catch you.
There's food in my car."
Yeah, I always end upon the bike, you know,
with the plank seat.
I have to coverthose things up.
There's too much informationon how far you've gone,
how long you've been on,clicking along.
"You're in Europe,riding on a hill."
"I am not."
And you always thinkyou've been on a long time,
and you haven't.
"I'm just going to see.
"It's got to be 20 minutes,right?
"Nine minutes.
"What is that, Central?
"Well, how many calories?Three calories?
"That means I'm going to haveto spit this piece of candy out.
Well, how far did I go?"
"You are still here."
The first week I worked out,I gained 4 pounds.
It was very discouraging.
I yelledat the trainer.
I go,"I gained 4 pounds."
"Don't worry about it, Louie.This is normal.
We're building your core."
"You're building my core?"
"Well, when do wework on the outer crust?
"This core is plenty strong,hauling this ass around
for [mumbles] years."
"How old are you?"
I remember whenmy parents turned 50.
We used to stare at them.
"Won't be long now.
I get the rambler."
How old are you, sir?
- 27.
- 27.Get out.
When I was 27, I could peefrom my bed into the toilet.
[clears throat]
There was a nice arcon it.
There was a rainbowgoing through it.
That's where that expressioncomes from--
"Pot at the endof the rainbow."
Now I just think I peed.
"Did I pee?
"I don't know.
I better try again."
I think we should justeither be under 50 or over 50.
I don't even think we needthat whole 58, 57, 56.
[cheers and applause]
This is all the peoplethat are that age
are going, "Yeah!
Let's get some torches!"
I turned 50eight years ago.
That's what I sayto people.
"How old are you, Louie?"
"I turned 50 eight years ago."
"What did he say?
What is he, 42?What is he?"
I didn't know the signsback then, you know?
My dad used to--we knew he was getting older,
'cause when he'd sit down,he started to go, "Oh, Lord!"
And he'd get up,"Oh, Jesus!"
He was a very religious man,obviously.
"Oh, Lord."
Yeah, I remember that.
You have a meat tooth yet?
That's when you knowyou're getting older.
You're just standing there--[sucking on tooth]
"What's wrong?"
[sucks tooth]"Meat tooth."
[continues sucking tooth]
You'd be talkingto the president.
It wouldn't matter.
"Louie, nice to meet you."
[sucking tooth]"Yeah...
"It's great meeting you,Mr. Obama.
"Oh, Jesus.
You don't have a business cardon you, do you?"
I take business cards.
They fitright in there.
You get that out,you're relieved.
And you have a snack.
What wasyour f[...] name again?
That's what happens too.
You can't rememberanything.
Nick, I want you to come overto the house after the show,
open jars for me.
You can't open anythingafter you're 50.
You got to wait till peoplestop by the house.
"Oh, my God,I'm glad you're here.
"before we eat,could you open this stuff
"here on the table for me?
"Start with the scissors.
"They're in some sortof sick plastic.
"I have cut the hellout of my hand
trying to open them."
Who are they keepingthe scissors from?
They should put my foodin that plastic.
"You are losing weight."
"I can't get it open!
"I'm starving!
Please, help me!"
People don't warn youabout 50.
I'm trying to warn youof a few things.
Time moves faster.
Soon as you hit 50,people start coming up to you--
"Louie,what did you do today?"
"It's over?
I had some soup."
[imitates sobbing]
You're dying for soupafter you're 50.
"Louie, you hungry?"
"Is there any soup?
Could you open it for me?"
Here's what happenswhen you get older.
You open the microwave and go,"When did I have pot pies?
They're still warm."
Kids born today
are gonna live to 1000,they say.
Isn't thatan amazing thing?
No one everapplauds that, ever.
'Cause you're always thinking,"When will I retire, 700?"
They say the reason is
is that technologywill catch up.
I just love ketchup.
I can't go out, I'm telling you.I don't go out.
That's another thingyou don't do after you're 50.
"You want to go out?"
"It's 9:30.
I got slippers on."
"We're thinking about headingover to the club at 10:00."
"Is it a sleepover?"
Isn't that funny,when you're young,
you do drugsthat can kill you.
You get older,you just want drugs
that'll keep you alive.
That's full circle, baby.
I don't plop anymore.
I used to plop onto the bed
'cause, I don't know,
I bought a really good bed.
I'd plop right down.
And then one day,I plopped right in,
slammed into the wall,
and went right downbetween the bed and the wall.
I was therefor three damn days.
Luckily, I found an old muffinI had dropped down there.
I read where somebodywas 100--
somebody's grandma was 100.
She was going to bungee jump.
Couldn't she come apart?
"There she goes.Oh, my--there she goes.
There she goes.There--grandma!"
I'm thinkingabout going down to the DMV
and have them takingmy license away.
I'm a terrible driver now.
I was the best driver.
I was the driver who would go,"Look at this guy.
"Look at that guy.Look at that woman.
Look at this--all terrible."
Now I get--
I used to drivewith one finger.
Remember those dayswith those big automatic s--?
"Where we going?"
"We're going wherever we want.
"That's where we're going.
"Hold on,get my knee driving."
You know,to get the sandwich.
Now I get in the car,I'm not even sure it's mine.
"I boughta blue car?"
I grab the wheellike I'm on a ship.
People honk at me.
That's when I knew
it was starting to go bad.
Beep!"What the--
"What was sound?
"What did I do?
"Oh, Jeez, I'm going seven.
Seven seemed fast."
and I'm always apologizingwhen there's no one.
I'll go ten next time."
They've already gone by,given me the finger.
And as soon as you hit 50,you start hitting curbs.
"Did I hit someone?"
"You hit the curb."
"When did theyput that in?"
"When they builtthe street."
"I didn't see it."
I don't back up either.
I don't back up.
I powerright through that curb.
And I lieto people.
"What happenedto your wheel?"
"That damn valet guy."
"All four of them?"
"He's persistent."
Sometimes I'll be out driving,and I'll think to myself,
"Huh...where am I off to?"
I gotta dothe fake call home.
You want anythingwhen I'm over there?"
"At the dentist?"
"Oh, thank you.
"I'ma get you some floss.
The minty kind."
You slow the car downwhen you're older.
"What is that,a new Walgreens?"
Who ever thought drugstoreswere going to be so interesting?
"Look at this thing.
"It keeps your toes apart.
I knew they wouldeventually web."
I'm dumb too.
There's a dumb part of me
when I get in that drugstore
asking the pharmacistquestions.
"So, uh...
"what's the, uh--
"on the Prilosec,what's the--
what's the 'OTC' stand for?"
The pharmacistlooks at me, goes,
"I'm going to beunder the counter right now."
I can't see anymore.
Thinking about gettinga miner's helmet.
"I dropped itdown here somewhere."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm looking for gold,God damn it.
What do you thinkI'm doing?"
I mean,I can see all of you.
I just can't read anything
smaller than these,uh, Egypt signs in red here.
you never have the glasseswhen you need them.
"Where are you, Louie?""I'm at the hotel."
"What's your number thereon the phone?"
"Won of a bitch.
"Just hold on now.
"Oh, here it is.
"Jeez, it looks likethey put a 'W' in it.
Are they putting lettersin the phone numbers again?"
You think technology'sgoing to help you,
like the cell phone,the caller I.D.
"'Adolf Hitler'?
"How did that maniacget ahold of my number?
"Oh, that's goingto voicemail.
He's a talker."
People text me now.I text them back.
Halfway through my text back,they text me again,
"Are you okay?"
I call them,
"I need more time!
"Where's the space baron this damn phone?
And 'thanks' is not spelledwith an 'X.'"
And I don't mindgetting old, you know?
I know how it's goingto go for me.
That's a good thingfrom being from a big family,
11 kids.
I'm 10th of 11th,2nd to youngest.
I go home, I see--it's all played out for me.
It's likethat Darwin chart.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, New York.
[upbeat music]
[cheers and applause]